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danniburgh · 3 years

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Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 23

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Summary: After the fall of Escobar everything starts happening way too fast for Javier; his raise, his new office, his new team, the Cali cartel’s operation, the sudden arrival of a new agent that was transferred to his team for no apparent reason, the way he was falling in love with her almost unintentionally.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +6.4k

Chapter warnings: lmao angst and then fluff, a brief mention of food, and drugs and a dog.

A/N: This chapter is set after season three. // aAAAAAA this is so long i dont even why but it took me like ALL day FUCK FUCK FUCK anyway thanks to all my babies that got me through the desperation of wanting this to write itself lmao, also two chapters and we are DONE with the main story holy shit

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist // fic playlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

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gifs: @pascalsky

Javier groaned when he sat up and moved his legs to get them out of the bed and looked at the alarm clock on his nightstand; three forty-eight in the morning. He turned on the lamp, reached at his nape and scratched with blunt nails and reached for the pack of smokes that he left on the nightstand before laying down to try to sleep with the other hand.

He pulled the last one out of the pack and stood up to throw the empty carton in the trashcan near the door; he eyed the empty pack from the day before in the bottom of the can with the cigarette clinging to his lips thanks to near dry spit making them sticky and let out a deep sigh.

It wasn’t working.

His tongue moved to shift the cigarette from his lips and he let it fall inside the trashcan, knowing it wouldn’t be the last one he put between his lips, but at least he didn’t light it.

Javier thought of getting out of the room and raiding his dad’s bar again, but he knew it wouldn’t do him any good.

It wasn’t working.

He knew it, and it couldn't be denied any longer. He wasn’t getting any younger and his old ways weren’t helping him forget as they used to ten or fifteen years before.

Javier walked back to the bed and sat on the edge, letting his half naked body fall backwards on the mattress and looking at the ceiling, he felt his hand twitch and he felt it empty without a nicotine stick firmly pressed between his index and his thumb but did nothing to calm it down.

Ten or fifteen years before: had it really been that long? Javier huffed at nothing and scratched his chest, leaving his hand there, uselessly wondering what would it be of him if he did something different; incidentally working through years and years of missteps, mishappens, mistakes, and shaping them in some other way that would have saved him from five months of poor sleep and constant drunkenness, five months of chain-smoking and lack of sharpness, five months of only remembering the bad things he had done and the bad things he deserved.

He huffed again because of course his retirement wouldn’t be him sitting on a porch to enjoy the evening Texas breeze and a glass of scotch; even if he had tried it.

It was having nightmares every third night he wanted nothing but to shove deep inside his head, but that then, reluctantly, he had to tell his new therapist his dad had forced him to go to.

It was having to remember all the men he saw dying every time he heard the words war or coke or shooting. Having to remember them changing and fighting and dying for a cause he wasn’t sure if he still believed in. Having to remember Carrillo every time he and Steve talked on the phone.

It was remembering you each time someone sent him a letter congratulating his work or asking for consultation or asking for an interview; because he had an idea of what you had been through and he was sure he didn’t deserve all that claptrap. He did nothing but cause chaos and destruction and death and even though his therapist said it wasn’t his fault he knew it was because he aided for it to happen.

But you? You did everything you could to find yourself a way to recover what was yours, and you still lost it.

Javier sat up again and after six exact seconds of consideration, he leaned forward and opened his nightstand drawer. He took the black tape he had been clinging to for five months and held it in front of him for a couple of minutes.

He chuckled at himself and gripped the small cassette, took from the drawer his tape player, pressed the red button for it to open, let the tape fall in the slit and closed it, turned it on and rewinded the tape, trying to make the calculations in his head of how many times he had repeated that process as the tape ran to the beginning.

He put the headphones on, laid down back on the bed and pressed play.

“Hi, Javi, uhm…”

God, how he missed you.

The phone rang again, fuck the phone, you thought, and hid your face under a pillow, trying to fall asleep again despite the clear signal that you were no longer sleepy.

And the phone rang again, you lifted your head from the cocoon of pillows and eyed the clock on your nightstand, who was calling you at five seventeen in the morning?

Grunting, you got out of the bed and walked out of the bedroom to the small space that made your living room, dining room and kitchen and got to the phone.

“Hello?” your voice was a deep groan, and you cleared your throat.

“Another letter came for you, when are you gonna change your address?” your dad’s voice broke through the receiver and you closed your eyes, breathing in and out the stress it was already provoking in you.

“I’ll get to it, dad,” you replied “are you gonna send it to me or can I go to the house?” you questioned, feeling already your lower lip tremble.

“I’ll send it, your mom doesn’t wanna see you yet,” he let out in a stern voice “sorry, pumpkin.” he whispered and hung up the phone.

You sat on the armrest of the loveseat next to the phone and let your tears fall from your eyes, not even bothering about cleaning them anymore.

You sighed and nodded to yourself, letting your tired gaze roam around your tiny living space and you missed the openness of your family house, the one you had come back to and were expelled from by an angry mother that felt ashamed of the truth you told them.

But you had to give it to her, she didn’t even know you went down to Colombia, or that you’d been having drug issues, or that they fired you.

She had told you she didn’t know who you were anymore.

Neither did you.

So you left, they couldn’t be more disappointed in you than you were in yourself, so you walked out as your mom wanted and tried to find a home for yourself as you still wondered what the hell were you supposed to do. There wasn’t a handbook or a protocol that taught people how to stop being a DEA agent, the government didn’t train people to go back to civility or even offered a program to forget all the shit you had lived in the places they had sent you.

You stayed in your hometown, unknowingly to your old friends and twenty minutes away from your parent’s home and didn’t leave your house unless absolutely necessary; Albuquerque wasn’t a small town, but it wasn’t big, and you were dreading walking past someone who knew you before you had lost yourself and tried to explain all your baggage, you didn’t have the time, or the energy. And you didn’t want people feeling sorry for yourself, with the woman in the mirror you had enough.

Everything seemed pointless, and you felt heavy all the time, as if you were carrying a chain ball in each foot and shackles in your hands while being dragged down by quicksand.

In the kitchen's corner you saw the last two boxes you still didn’t have energy to unpack after moving them across the continent and let out a teary sight as you stood from the armrest and walked to them.

You opened the first box and saw it filled with office clutter; pencils, markers, some notebooks and notepads, the brown journal you had been looking for to burn on your stove; a set of keys you weren’t sure what they opened and in the bottom, folded pieces of paper.

“Oh, no.” you muttered to the air of the warm kitchen and you doubted reaching in for it… The hesitation lasted two minutes but for you it was like two hours, you knew what it was, you knew why it was in that box and when you took it it felt hot and heavy. You were holding feelings in that letter, you were holding hours of shed tears and memories you didn’t want to have anymore. Memories that still haunted you whenever you smelled roasted colombian coffee and saw an ad of Malduros on tv.

You didn’t open it. You knew what was written there. And for a few seconds you thought of burning it on the stove instead.

“Well, I don’t want this, might as well send it.” you muttered under your breath, recognizing it would do you some good to stop holding to it, acknowledging it would do you some good to know he had it. If he wanted to rip it into millions of pieces or burn it or toss it in the trash or eat it, it was his problem.

You bit your lip as you walked to the phone; you hadn’t thought of him in a while. But as you sat on the loveseat all the shit you wanted to bury if not get rid of came back to your mind like a high wave of a rough sea; sharp, cold, gritty.

“Shit.” you gasped, trying to breathe in and out several times because you didn’t want to cry. It was too early for crying.

You grabbed the phone and thought who could have Javier’s address. God, even thinking of his name made your chest flutter and your stomach churn. You had fooled yourself into thinking he didn’t have an effect on you anymore, into even assuring five months was enough to forget him. What a fool.

You dialed the number of the only person you knew for sure knew the address by heart; the phone rang three times before it was answered.

“Hello?” a sleepy nasal voice greeted, and you smiled through the few tears that had accumulated in your eyes, grateful that he still had his embassy issued cell phone.

“Stod!” your smile was making your cheeks hurt, and you wondered in the back of your head when was the last time you had smiled.

“Who’s this? Flor?” he asked and you let out a stiff chuckle. You decided not to be a huge asshole and dump something heavy as your actual name that early in the morning, so you went with it.

“Yeah, sorry to call at this hour, did I wake you?” you played with the edge of the loveseat’s armrest.

“Kinda,” a noise of shuffle was heard “but it’s almost seven here, so I’m not that mad,” he teased, making you chuckle again “how are you? to what do I owe the honor?”

“Uhm, I–‌I’m calling to take advantage of you,” you said, hearing his chuckle through the line and a whisper of of course you did, “by any chance do you know Peña’s address in Texas?” you asked, closing your eyes and crossing your fingers, wishing for him to not ask:

“Why?”

“I–‌I have something of his...” you mumbled under your breath “I just found it and I wanna send it.” you said, which wasn’t technically a lie.

“Uh…” Stoddard hesitated, and you heard a faint of a pouring noise in the back that made you sigh, a cup of coffee would do you wonders, “well I do–I don't know if I’m allowed to just say it, y’know?” you frowned.

“Oh, come on, please?” you pleaded, your leg started bouncing because of the anxiety that was growing in your chest.

“What is it? is something important?” he asked.

“Super important,” you nodded even though he couldn’t see, “he needs it.”

“How do you know?” he questioned again, and you whined under your breath.

“Uhm, I ju–‌I just know, uhm…” since when were you a twitchy, nervous mess? “can’t you just tell me?”

“Not really, no.” he muttered in that voice that made you want to punch him and hug him at the same time.

You let out the air of your lungs and controlled your body.

You had promised yourself to tell the truth when it was necessary. So you were going to.

“Look, Stod, this is long to explain, okay?” you began, and he hummed affirmatively in response, “the only thing you need to know is that the thing I have here is very important that he gets because he needs to know that I kept it for him.” you said, closing your eyes again.

“Flor you just told me nothing.” he let out, his voice was being muffled and it sounded like he had something in his mouth.

“Fuck, Stoddard, I love him, okay?” you let out “and this thing I have is a letter that I need him to have so he knows I love him!” you panted and bit your lip when he didn’t answer.

You just had said out loud you loved someone, you just had said to someone you loved Javier Peña for the first time. Shit.

“Oh,” Stoddard said after a moment and you held your breath, “you have where to write?”

“You’re a fucking king!”

Six hours later, you wanted nothing else but to turn the fucking car around.

“This is a mistake, this is a fucking mistake!” you yelled inside your car, opening the glove box to toss there your sunglasses. The highway 285 was eternal, and you hated driving through it; it was empty, there was nothing but desert landscapes and the occasional tree, but you were halfway, just crossing the state border and there was nothing in the everlasting earth that would make you drive back home, not even your fucking hesitation, not even your self-doubt.

“What the fuck am I gonna say?” you asked yourself again, chewing on your lower lip and gripping the steering wheel, “am I just pulling on his driveway and knocking on his door and saying hi I’m sorry I broke your heart I have a letter for you? Fuck!” you saw the beginning of yet another town and you drove slowly looking for a gas station, “or better yet, I read this shit to him to complete the humiliation!” you turned your head for a second at the letter resting easily in the co-pilot’s seat and you groaned, finding a gas station. You were also hungry.

With the car’s tank full and a plastic bag filled with snacks for the remaining six hours, you sighed to yourself and started driving again.

“You’re doing this because you need closure,” you told yourself, shoving your hand into a bag of salted chips and bringing three to your mouth “if he doesn’t wanna see you, too bad, he’s gonna miss your haircut,” you mumbled, chewing at the same time “you leave the letter and let him decide what to do with it.”

With the highway 285 long behind you and the sky just beginning to turn orange, you had convinced yourself of your own reasons and you even had a plan to go back home as soon as you were done in Laredo. You also had promised yourself and all your Muertos, you wouldn’t react to Javier Peña if he didn’t react to you and as you had learned in your three-year station in México, you can’t break a promise you made to dead people.

“Shit, shit, shit,” you said when the marked map told you you were a block away from the Peña’s ranch house, you were chewing the last bit of a nearly melted chocolate bar you had bought hours ago as your nervousness betrayed you and you started chuckling at your impulses, “holy fuck, I wanna go home!”

But you were already there. The gate was open and there were two trucks parked on the driveway. So you sucked everything you were feeling, and you turned off the ignition. Fuck. It.

You breathed in and out several times before you unbuckled your seatbelt, grabbed the letter and opened the door. You did it again as you walked the gravel path to the house and were grateful it was already dark, so at least the night could help you hide until the last second.

You stopped walking, rationality coming back to you.

“What the fuck am I doing?” you whispered to yourself and turned around, shaking your head as you walked back to the car.

“Mija!” you heard behind you, you froze in place and stiffened at the sound of a thick accent in a rough and warm voice.

“Oh, no.” you said under your breath.

“It’s you!” you turned around, and you saw the face of the man you had only met through an old picture Javier carried with him at all times. “viniste.” (you came) behind him walked a black, large dog that ignored the man and huffed at you.

“I’m sorry?” your voice went out thin and high, and you wanted to chastise yourself for it. You had given yourself a seven-hour pep talk on the way, and you were already breaking.

“I told him,” the man rolled his eyes behind the glasses he was wearing and gestured for you to walk closer “Jesús Peña, nice to finally meet you,” he extended his hand to you and you took it and shook it, the dog got closer to you and smelled your legs, you tried to smile at him and at the dog but tears were already gathering inside your eyes “le dije que ibas a venir a buscarlo.” (I told him you’ll come looking for him)

“I’m sorry, Mr. Peña, I–‌I do–‌”

“Mr. Peña nada,” he interrupted, “call me Chucho,” you nodded and sniffed slightly “ven,” (come) he gestured again and started walking towards the house, “Pepe, métete.” (get inside) he called, and the dog trotted to his side.

“Wait, Chucho, wait!” you called him under your breath as you followed him, he didn’t stop.

“Come on in,” he opened the house door and waited for you to get inside. He nodded his head for you to walk in and you frowned.

“You don’t even know who I am, what ar–‌”

“I know enough,” he said solemnly, walked inside and you and the dog did too and he pointed to an armchair “siéntate, mija, he’s on the back.” he turned around and walked through an archway to what it looked like the kitchen and disappeared through a door, Pepe behind him.

“What the fuck.” you sobbed out, knowing you had little time to leave the letter you were clutching in your hands on the coffee table in front of you and walk out and leave for good. But you couldn’t move, you were in Javier’s house and you wanted to stop being there, but your body was frozen in place and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. You wanted to scream at yourself, at your fucking impulses; you had all the opportunities to turn around and go back home, why didn’t you listen to your logical, rational, always right brain?

“Hi.” you heard behind your back and you covered your mouth with the hand that wasn’t holding the fucking letter.

You turned around and blinked the first two tears of what you already knew was going to be a sea of them.

He was wearing the red shirt. And God, it was his color.

Javier wanted to run away and hide.

He had just made peace with never seeing you again; he had just accepted that the only part he would have of you was that voice mail you had left him months before. But there you were, teary and gorgeous in front of him. Shaking and with your hands holding a piece of paper as if it were your lifeline.

His head was a contradiction, because he wanted to grab you and hug you all the same he wanted to grab you and shove you out of his house and his life.

“What are you doing here?” Javier asked, knowing deep inside him he wanted to tell you how good you looked and how much he liked your new hair. You let out a shaky breath at his deep voice. You had missed it.

It was the first time you saw him in five months, and the weight of your feelings for him fell again on your shoulders like a recently broken off boulder, heavy, rough edged and shapeless.

“I don’t know.” you answered truthfully, he sighed and deviated his eyes from you, you breathed in heavily and the only thing that got into your lungs was his essence. You cursed under your breath and he huffed, putting his hands on his hips and leaning to the side.

“How d'you found me?” he questioned, and you huffed through the tears.

“I have my resources.” you let out on a whisper. Trying to find his eyes, you needed to see his eyes.

“What do you want?” Javier asked again, and you deflated at the tone of his voice. The rational part of your brain yelled I told you so at your feelings and you knew it was right, you were expecting too much of yourself and of him.

“See you,” you bit your lower lip and Javier saw from the corner of his eyes how you scrunched up your nose, and he felt something inside his chest flutter, hating and loving all the same how much of you he still had stored inside his memory, “I have something for you.”

“Keep it.” he let out. You shook your head and raised your hand with the letter on it.

“Read it.” you half ordered, half pleaded, Javier chuckled and then shook his head, mimicking you.

“I don’t want it.” he knew he was lying to himself, he wanted to know what it was, he wanted to grip it and smell the paper and read it over and over but his body wasn’t responding to what his feelings were telling him and only responded, almost in automatic, to his prideful side, to that side of him that still resented you and himself.

“Alright then,” you said, standing straight after realizing you had regained the ability to read him even through your tears, and understanding there was something he was struggling with, “I’ll read it.”

“Stop.” Javier frowned and looked at you, his eyes pleading for you to do something you couldn’t decipher.

“I know, okay?” you said, trying to reassure him and yourself “I know I’m in no position to ask for shit,” Javier dropped his hands to the sides “but I just want ten minutes, just ten of your life, and you’ll never have to see me again if that’s what you want.”

You knew it was a risky thing to say, but you needed him to know, you needed him to understand you because you knew and he knew you did understand him. And he needed to know you. You and your version.

He said nothing, you took it as his queue to start so you breathed in deeply and unfolded the letter.

“Stop.” Javier said under his breath.

“No,” you wiped a tear off your cheek “I wrote this when I went back to Colombia after I got fired,” Javier looked at you and you saw his face quirk in something close to pain “uhm, before I wrote this I drove around Bogotá,” you recalled that last day in the city and how much it pained you to be there, “I went–‌I went to some of the places you told me you liked” you tried to smile and dropped your eyes to your shoes, trying to find something to cling to and compose yourself “even that little cafe you told me about, near the palace of justice, remember?” you sobbed out. And he called your name. Making you gasp.

“Stop,” you looked up at him and saw him frowning, his eyes glistening with unshed tears, “we don’t need this.”

“I do!” you let out, Javier brushed his lips with his thumb and felt his hand twitch in need of nicotine again “I need to tell you all this!” you wiped your tears away again “I need closure!” you cried out.

Javier felt his stomach turn around and all the blood of his body went to his feet. Fuck.

How could he had been so stupid? he got into his own feelings too much and he forgot that you had cried your eyes out to him all those months ago when you handed him everything you were in a couple of manila folders. He had gotten wrapped by his own feelings and the hurricane your declaration had created in his life that he had forgotten just how much you were suffering as well. Because he might have thought about you; all the time, every day; he thought about your past and your reasons and motivations. He even thought of you naked on his bed in Colombia, under his body, moaning and gasping when he needed some release, but he forgot to think about your feelings.

“I didn’t come here to ask for forgiveness because I know I don’t deserve it,” you said and Javier felt the wetness of a tear escaping his eye and making its way through his cheek, “I’m trying to get closure, Javier, please let me try.”

Javier nodded.

You cried more when you saw him brush a tear off with his thumb and chew the inside of his mouth. You wanted to run away; you were sure he was better before you came to his house and disrupted his peace; you were hurting him again, and you wanted to kneel in front of him and ask him for what you said you weren’t seeking. He made you want so much.

You sniffed and dropped your eyes to the open letter in your hand, Javier didn’t move from where he was standing.

“No amount of guilt will or can change the past,” you began, Javier crossed his arms on his chest and saw movement to his side, “that much I know. I kno–‌know that it doesn’t matter,” you sniffed again and Javier turned his head to watch the dog casually walking towards him and sitting next to his boots. You saw it too, and you let out a sad chuckle.

“Ignore him.” he just said. You nodded.

“Uhm, it doesn’t matter how much I apologize, or how many I’m sorry’s I mouth, forgiveness doesn’t come for free.” you didn’t want to lift your eyes to see him, so you continued.

Javier only saw you reading him something he was sure you had poured your heart into, and he wanted nothing but to hear what you wanted to say to him, but he couldn’t focus into listening, because there you were, again in front of him doing what he never dared to do.

Opening your fucking chest, taking your heart out and giving it raw to him.

“...knowing and realizing and acknowledging just how much I love you.”

Javier drowned a gasp, as he fell in love with you all over again, you were doing what he didn’t have the balls to do, because in his sleepless sleep he wanted to look for you, in the middle of his idle nights, just after waking up after a nightmare, he wanted to find you and go to you and tell you whatever the fuck he could to be back with you. But he never did, he never did because he was a coward, because he feared his own feelings so fucking much.

He couldn't hear anything of it after your declaration of love. God, how much he loved you. You were standing there, with your eternally hopeful eyes filled with crystalline tears and several pages of written feelings. And he realized, there, with you in the middle of his living room, shifting to the next page, that even though you were extremely similar, you were also very different.

“...with you I found a reason to give up after all the shit I've lived in…” you muttered and he found the differences inside him; you were braver than him, you were smarter and more connected with what you felt; you weren’t scared of your feelings as he was. You went for what you wanted and even though it had been five months of that dreadful day when he saw his heart squeezed out of his body by your hesitant hand, that day he still replayed inside his head when the day was just over and his brain was floating between sleep and awakeness, he still wondered why you were bothering.

“There were so many things I thought…” you kept reading as he wondered if it was possible for the two of you to connect with each other outside of shared trauma and sympathy for each other’s experiences. But he answered to himself that even if you two weren’t as emotionally available as you needed to be to build a relationship or if you both were having a hard time adapting to be and live out of the system, maybe the love was real.

You stopped reading after noticing he was just standing there with his arms crossed and his eyes on you but not seeing you; you wiped the last of your tears and chuckled bitterly to yourself. Making him blink a few times.

“Fuck this,” you crumpled the pages in your hands and dropped them on the coffee table, shaking your head. Javier frowned, “it doesn’t matter what I read, I shouldn’t have come.” you said, drowning your sobs and gasping for air. He wasn’t paying attention, and nothing about it was making you feel any better about anything.

“What?” Javier whispered, dropping his hands to his sides.

“A’right, then…” you didn’t look at him and tried to control your breathing again “I guess that’s what I wanted to do,” you walked to the door and opened it, Javier wanted to ask what the fuck was happening, he wanted to grab your arm and stop you as he didn’t do it when you were leaving his office back in Colombia “I’m sorry to have bothered you, Javier,” he winced slightly involuntarily at the way you sobbed out his name “I’ll go.”

You walked out of the house covering your mouth with your hand to muffle your sobs, your rational brain was right, it was a mistake; it was a complete and utter mistake, and you were so ashamed of yourself for even thinking it would change anything. You walked to your car feeling the sharp, stinging sensation of a migraine settling in your head. You heard steps behind you and you turned around slowly, not wanting to put hope on the source being Javier.

“Mija,” you look at Chucho trying to catch up with you, “¿a dónde vas?” (where are you going?)

“I’m going home.” you said, shrugging at the man when he stopped in front of you.

“Why?” he asked, frowning.

“Because he said nothing, Chucho,” you bit your lip and looked at the Texan night sky and huffed at yourself, “he said nothing.”

“But he wants you, mija!” he assured you, and you shook your head several times.

“If he wants me as you say,” you pointed towards the house behind him, “then how come I’m not with him?” you reasoned, “he doesn’t want me.”

You dropped your eyes to the gravel path as Chucho sighed and raised his hand to squeeze your shoulder just enough for you to feel less sad. Just how a father would do.

Chucho glared at the house, the door open and Pepe standing in the threshold; his son had been back for months, he had been living next to him, eating next to him, working next to him and breathing next to him just as he did before he went away but he knew, just like a father could, he was not the same man that left.

He reminisced over the muchacho his son was before he left Laredo, so eager to get out of the small town he grew up in and that harbored his family home, so anxious to meet new horizons, so keen to find and explore new places and learn new things; he sometimes found himself missing that boy, he sometimes missed his Javi; the one that helped him build a paddock for his own horse, the one that washed his truck without asking and without failing each friday evening, the one that took care of his Mamá’s funeral at sixteen when himself was too sad to think about coffins or tombstones; because the man that came back to him after almost two decades too far away from home wasn’t the same.

He had seen and done things that Chucho never wanted to to ask about but he imagined, his Javier wasn’t the same. And Chucho knew why, but he also knew about you. Javi had talked about you way too much for his own good, as he did everything. And Chucho also knew why, he wasn’t letting the woman that made his son come back home run away.

“He does want you,” he said, slowly, with a low voice, as if it were a secret, “mijo… es un idiota a veces, but he loves you.” (he’s an idiot sometimes)

“You don’t know that.” you refuted.

“I do,” he gave you a smile that was barely visible under the white mustache “el te ama, y yo…” (he loves you, and I…) “I’m so grateful.” you shook your head as two thick tears left your eyes.

“I broke his heart.” you sobbed out.

“Y me lo trajiste a casa, Florecita” (and you brought him home to me, little flower) you sobbed harder, not able to control it anymore, and he brought you to him, and held you.

“He told you my fake name?” you asked between sobs.

“He told me what you look like.” he muttered.

“I’m so sorry.” you let yourself be wrapped by him and you hid your face on his shoulder.

“Don’t be, without you I would’ve lost my only child.” you held him tighter.

“Please.” you pleaded for nothing and everything at the same time.

“You gotta fight for him, mija.” he muttered to your ear, and you shook your head, still leaning into him.

“I’m fighting for him!” you almost yelled “I’m here, aren’t I?” you lifted your head to look at the man and you gasped for air, dropping your hands to your sides “I drove almost thirteen hours non-stop all the way from Albuquerque just to be here!” you told him and the man stiffened as you lost your shit in front of him, you gripped your head between your hands “thirteen hours to read him that stupid letter and he didn’t say shit!”

“You did what?” you heard and lifted your head to see Javier standing behind his dad.

Chucho looked at Javier and then at you with your cheeks dampened with tears. He squeezed your shoulder again and turned to walk to the house.

“You were in Albuquerque all this time?” he said, and you nodded, noticing he was holding the letter in his hand “when you said you’d go you meant back there?” he frowned in confusion.

“Well, yeah, I have nowhere to stay so I might as well drive home.” you muttered, Javier’s frown deepened, and he stepped towards you.

“Stay here,” he said, “if you wanna leave you leave in the morning.” his voice was thin and low. You looked at his eyes and saw them reddened and wet.

“Did you read it?” you whispered out. He stepped towards you again, nodding.

“Stay.” he whispered back.

“You don’t want me.” you said under your breath as shook your head and he stepped closer.

“Who says that?” he asked, and you looked at the gravel path again.

“I won’t stay.” you felt Javier’s warm fingers graze under your chin and lift your head to him slowly.

“Don’t be so stubborn,” he chastised you with half a smirk forming on his lips “stay with us.” you shook your head again.

“You don’t want me here but you want me to stay,” you said, frowning at him “Javier you can’t have it bo–‌”

“I want you to stay,” he interrupted you “I want you to stay with me,” he whispered as his fingers moved to your cheek and wiped away a tear. “please.”

Javier had read your letter after you walked out and realized, at the prospect of you leaving for what it seemed like forever, at the possibility of you leaving him for good and he never getting to see you or your gorgeous face or your hypnotizing eyes or hearing your voice that did so many things on him, that the balance of his other losses leaned upwards when he weighed the probability of losing you.

Did he care about what you did? of course he did, it still stung sometimes deep inside his chest, it still filled him with something close to grief.

Was he willing to work it out and let it aside because he didn’t want to feel the agony and deep sorrow of not having you by his side he had been feeling for the last five months again? yes.

And the answer to that question inside his head startled him and shook him deeply.

You were there. God, you were there, there was no way he was going to let you leave.

Javier decided you could work it out later, he loved you way too much not to try. He didn’t even plan to love you the way he did, the way he discovered by reading that letter or remembering the man he was without you. He didn’t even plan to love you at all, but he did. He was madly, insanely, deeply in love with you.

Javier moved his hand to your shoulder and let the one holding the letter find its way to your waist. Find its way home.

“Don’t go.” he whispered again. He moved the last step to wrap his hands around you. You let out a low yelp at the feeling of his body so close to you, for a second you froze in place, your eyes closed and his warmth invaded your entire body as he hid his head in the crook of your neck. He inhaled your essence as you hugged him back and gripped him tightly against you.

Javier felt as if all his parts were being glued back together.

“Stay with me.” he whispered against the skin of your neck.

So you stayed.

←previous // next→

*THE LETTER*

Pepe:

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#javier peña #Javier Pena #javier peña x reader #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña fanfic #narcos #narcos fanfic #narcos fan fic #narcos netflix #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #Jose Pedro Balmaceda Pascal #pedro pascal characters #rushingly bittersweet tag

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atinymommy · 3 years

Text

𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒅𝒅𝒔 ༄ 𝒋𝒉𝒔

🍼 ⇢ ˗ˏˋ — JUNG HOSEOK; j-hope

☁️. . . ⇢ happy hobi day! i'm aware that this is a new years au but let's just not talk about it ok? difnfkskdkcj✧ ೃ༄

╰┈➤ cussing; MAJOR teasing;

nipple stim; hickeys; groping;

grinding; pegging;

fingering; slight exhibitionism;

degrading; aftercare;

petnames

(a/n: die is the plural of dice, just to avoid confusion lmao nobody dies in this story wodncnsjsj)

"i hope you're ready." you teased, smirking, as you shook the two cubes in your fist before rolling them over the table. both pairs of eyes hawked over each side the die rolled onto, until it came to a stop. it was hard to miss the smile that quivered at hoseok's lips.

both of you were intoxicated. the intention was only to celebrate being roommates for a year while it was moments before the clock struck into 2021. this had started two hours ago and ended up being a lot more than just two people rejoicing in abiding under the same roof.

hoseok had started talking about this game his friends had bought him for his birthday, with the biggest flush of red marking his cheeks and ears. you've always thought he was the cutest. he was the best roommate you could've ever asked for, and honestly a really good friend too.

which is how you both had ended up on the floor, snacking on some junk food and sipping on some alcoholic beverages. tonight you two had gotten as honest and open you probably ever will. hobi told you that he didn't date much because he didn't like the pressure of being the one to take charge. you nodded, agreeing with him about how frustrating the role men have to play in relationships are. two opposites ranting over the same topic.

"okay, got ahead." hoseok giggled as he removed his sock and wiggled his toes in your face. if you weren't under the influence, you would have found this less comedic and definitely wouldn't have popped one of his toes into your mouth for a mere millisecond. "that was by far the weirdest sensation i've ever felt." his face was red with laughter.

weakly you reached for the die and strewed them over the tabletop.

the laughter died out and the both of you just stared at each other - the die engendering a thick room as either of you processed the outcome. "w-we don't have to play anymore if you don't want to..." hobi's usually stentorian voice thinning at the end of his suggestion.

possibly it was his sudden shy behaviour around you or the lack of sincerity in his voice when he spoke those words but you drew closer to him, bringing your face directly in front of his. "why? are you scared, hobi?" you taunted, observing his eyes widen and the air caught in his throat. slowly you brought your lips to his ear, whispering, "unless you want to stop..."

hoseok closed his eyes and went for it. your taunting tone mocking him into acting on his true desires in that moment. he did as the die had dared him and he began nibbling on your neck, hearing you gasp lowly in his ear motivated him. when you ran your fingers through his hair was when he began to suck harshly, causing you to tug at his roots and moan as he brought blood up to the surface.

he pulled away, needing to refill his lungs and to evaluate the marks against your skin. you, yourself, wanted to see so you looked for your phone and opened your camera. smirking, you touched the area along your pulse. "not bad for someone who didn't want to play."

you put your phone away and hobi was already throwing the dice again.

the male gasped when he read them. lick + nipples.

"i-i don't kn-ow, y/n..." the male seemed unsure and fidgety, but the hard on in his pants betrayed him.

"i'll show you mine if you show me yours?" you suggested, to which he nodded in agreement to. both of you folded your fingers under the hems of your shirts, anticipating. "one.."

"two... three." you lifted your shirt over your head, throwing the clothing item aside, and looked over to hoseok. your eyes took him in for a moment. your heart was racing at the thought of him eating up every crevice and bump on your body but, thankfully, your mind was too fogged and occupied at the moment. instinctively you reached for him, feeling his heart beat under your hands as you roamed his chest slowly, and he just gazed up at you.

you took his face in your hands, locking eyes with him and seriously informed him, "if you want to stop, tell me." he only smiled at you and lightheartedly replied with, "don't ruin my fantasy now."

this ignited you. hobi openly admitting having sexual thoughts about you made you go feral.

hastily you pulled him down onto the floor until he was under you and you brought your lips down to his collarbone, you littered kisses along it before making your way to his buds. your hand massaged his side as you flicked over his nipple. his made him gasp.

hoseok shut his eyes and allowed you to do as you wanted with him. he lay there, whimpering when your flattened your tongue against the sensitive nub. he bit his lip when you blew cold air over the now wet area before you teasingly kitten licked the other nipple. he moaned, throwing his head back and began squirming under you. you sat up, straddling him, with a smirk. "did you like it that much?"

"too bad it's over." he heaved, trying to catch his breath again.

smiling, you got off of hobi and found your way back to the die. you rolled them once again. you could sense the boy's relief with the probability that had played out as he went back to sitting on the couch.

massage + ass.

you crawled onto hoseok's lap, placing your knees on either side of him and he cupped your ass. he lightly rubbed over your jeans, feeling unsure of himself and slightly awkward.

"c-could you take your jeans off? you can s-say no." he looked away from you, glancing to the side at a low angle. his cheeks felt numb with all the blood rushing to them.

you stood, reaching for your button and removing the bottoms. he only stared at your feet, where you kicked away the clothing, and felt too shy to see you. just his imagination was enough to build this tent in his pants, he couldn't imagine how his body would react if he could eat up every inch of you.

unfortunately for him, you weren't having it. "look at me," you scowled, folding your arms and leaned onto your hip. hesitantly he obeyed and ran his eyes over your figure. hobi couldn't help himself when the whimper left his lips and his cock twitched. "shit..." he whispered lowly to himself in awe.

you inched onto his lap again, comfortably avoiding his boner, and his hands naturally traced up your thighs.

"this is by far the most uncomfortable thing i've done this year." he mentioned as he began to knead your ass. rolling your eyes, you leaned towards him and captured his lips with yours. while running your fingers over the nape of his neck, you pushed down onto his heat. hoseok moaned into you, squeezing you harder.

he felt a tingle in his body and your movements fogged his mind. his thoughts had left him. all the knew was you.

you waited until his eyes shut to pull away. smirking, you casually walked back to the table where the die lay. hobi groaned loudly, flexing his thighs in frustration, "you are the biggest fucking tease!"

chuckling, you threw the die. butterflies fluttered in your stomach when they land on suck + thigh.

"hmmm, i'm going to enjoy this." you taunted, watching him read over the two words etched into the plastic cubes. hoseok gulped, for the tenth time in the last half-hour.

his hands trembled as he took off the last item of his outfit — only leaving him in his underwear, just as you were. he only sat there, blushing aggressively, as you oogled over him. you appreciated his sculpted legs, softer tummy and broad shoulders. "so that's what you've been hiding under there this whole time, angel?" he was taken aback by the petname. it made him even more excited.

"p-please touch me, mommy." hobi pleaded, biting his lip to hold back tears. he was so overwhelmed. he just wanted to be yours in this very moment. all he could think was you.

slowly, you crawled over to him on the floor. "since you asked so nicely, i think i might." you could see the relief on hoseok's face.

you pushed his knees apart, getting a full view of the lewd sight before you. he mewled and tried to cover himself up but you swatted his hands away. "don't hide my property from me," you snapped. "this pathetic cock is mine. you are mine." the male felt weak; just from a few words he felt as though he could cum right then and there.

he moaned when you began placing hot kisses along his inner thigh, lightly brushing your nose against his heat before moving away again. hoseok's muscles contracted under your touch while you sucked on the inner most sensitive area and he let out a throaty moan as you massaged his bulge. "ah~ yesss- t-hank you-"

you removed his boxers. his cock straightened out and met his abdomen with a light slap. hobi pulsed between his legs, and you were about to lick his flared tip when he called out, "no! wait! ah~ i-i neeeeed you. let me f-eel you mommy! p-please! i've been a good boy!" he was whiny and desperate.

this was a sight you never thought you would have seen in a million years: your roommate spread out on the couch in front of you, naked, and begging you to fuck him. you weren't complaining either.

"stay here." you demanded while you made your way into your room and scratched for your strap in your drawer. the few minutes it took for you to put it on and return, the time felt twice as long for hoseok.

you spun the male around, pushing him forward and telling him to lean onto the back of the couch. obediently he got into position, rolling his hips back to show you his puckered hole. grabbing the lube, you lathered your strap and fingers in it before slowly sliding one finger into him. he sighed in bliss, wrapping himself around you as you reached your knuckle. "m-more!" he cried out to you.

adding another finger, you began to finger him. he moaned and hunched over the furniture. "yes~ ah- it feels so good mommy." he panted.

you scissored your fingers until you felt him stretched enough. he whimpered with how empty he felt without your fingers. it wasn't long until you eased your strap into his tight hole.

hoseok arched his back and curled his toes as he swallowed you up. you snapped your hips into him suddenly, resulting in the the loudest and most unholy sound to emit from hobi. his whole body fell forward as you pounded into him. he had to hold onto the couch as you railed him.

you felt sympathetic towards your neighbours since the walls weren't soundproof at all but that didn't bother hoseok. his moans filled the whole floor probably.

your nails dug into his hips as you pulled him back while your hips rocked forward. hobi felt so wonderfully out out control as he surrendered his body to you — to use, love and bruise.

out of the blue, his phone buzzed as namjoon's caller id popped up. smirking, you passed it to him without losing your pace and dared him, "you should answer it."

"y-you're lit-erally fucking railing m-me! no!"

"be a good boy and try not to let him know what a slut you are." you sneaked over his shoulder and tapped the answer button. alarmed, hoseok put the phone to his ear, trying to keep his breathing far from suspicion. he bit his lip in an attempt to hold back his moans.

"hello?"

"hey! look, the clock is about to turn into the new year and i just wanted to say i love you man..." hobi tried his best to focus but his body betrayed him as a knot began to form in his stomach. he wasn't listening to his friend anymore. he shut his eyes as his high approached, and moaned softly enough for it to not be picked up on the phone.

"i- i- fuck!" hobi tried to talk to him but his thighs were trembling as you continued to hammer his prostate. he unexpectedly moaned the loudest he had that evening, as his cock spewed all over the couch. "mommy!"

you leaned over and whispered into his ear. "you couldn't help but let everyone know who's fucking you this good, could you, kitten? couldn't even ask for permission?" he whined in reply, too weak to answer you.

"hello? j-hope are you okay? hey!" you snatched the phone from the lump of a man hobi had been turned into and pulled out of him gently as you walked away. "hey joon, hoseok isn't feeling too well. he had too much to drink. sorry about that."

"oh okay, i'll call again tomorrow. i mean later." you glanced at the clock and it was true. hoseok came into the new year.

(a/n: don't come for me😭😭😭😭 that was an impeccable joke right there🤡😎)

"alright then, happy new year joons." you greeted.

"happy new year, 'mommy'." he teased before hanging up.

immediately you rushed to hoseok who was still in the same position you left him and carried him into his room. "shhh you did so good. i'm so proud to have an angel like you. what did i do to deserve you, hm? i didn't mean it when i called you those names. you mean so much to me."

hobi smiled at you, half asleep, and whined for you to cuddle him. and you did just that.

#sub!hobi #sub!j-hope #sub!hoseok #sub!bts #fem!dom #bangtan seonyandan #bangtan boys #sub!male #mommy kink #smut #new years #jung hoseok #hobi #hoseok #j-hope #kpop #kpop bg #bts

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sortasirius · 3 years

Text

Programing The Winter Soldier

Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, heavy angst, this is seriously big sad hours

AN: This is so very sad and I definitely cried writing it lmao. I love Bucky Barnes so much.

Pairing: Steve/Bucky

Words: 3873

Read it on AO3 here

January 23, 1945

General,

Sgt. Barnes has undergone an initial mind wipe. Dr. Zola has succeeded in attaching the weapon to his shoulder. He has been put in the cryo-chamber as a test, and after some initial pain it looks as though it has worked.

We will begin reprogramming shortly.

Longing

Bucky wakes up in pain. His arm hurts. After a few moments of long, deep breaths where he decides he’s not, in fact, dead, he tries, experimentally, to move his fingers. To his relief, he finds he can, but something feels different, wrong. The clicking in his index finger, from where he had broken it when he was twelve defending Steve from some guy he had tried to fight in an alley after the creep had tried to grab at a woman on the street, was gone. The pain is gone there too, in fact he can’t feel anything below the burning where his shoulder meets something cold, something foreign.

He tries to look around, but it’s pitch black wherever he is. It’s also brutally fucking cold. He shivers violently, trying to get away from whatever cold metal is touching his skin, but no matter how far he leans, he can’t seem to get away from it.

Suddenly, without warning, fluorescent lights above him burst into life, and Bucky screws his eyes up against the sudden brightness. Blinking away the mild pain, he sees a man he vaguely recognizes coming toward him. He’s a shorter man, wearing round glasses…

Like another switch flipped, Bucky suddenly remembers this man, remembers a saw taken to the shattered remains of his arm, remembers being tied down, with a rag stuffed in his mouth to keep him from biting off his own tongue. He remembers the arm that doesn’t belong to him attached to his left side. He remembers throwing someone across the room as though he was weightless.

“Sergeant Barnes,” the man looks him up and down, ignoring the way Bucky shied openly away from his gaze, “Let us begin.”

They don’t release Bucky from the restraints while the doctor, Zola, measures him from head to toe, has him flex his new arm, takes his blood pressure and heart rate, checks him for infection. He only occasionally stops to speak to an assistant, who all keep their distance from Bucky, or say something in German to a soldier watching everything. He makes Bucky watch a grainy video of ever-changing shapes, and sticks him painfully with a needle whenever he tries to look away.

“Now Sergeant,” Zola addresses him after nearly an hour of poking and prodding, “Can you tell me a memory of yours?”

Bucky doesn’t even consider, just says the first thing that comes into his brain. Whatever this guy wants, it’s going to be easiest to just give it to him.

“Steve and I were walking along Rockaway beach two years ago. I remember it was nearly dusk, summer, we were watching the sunset and Steve brought some bread to feed the birds. I remember they were swarming us, you show them any kind of food and they all come swooping in. Steve kept laughing because they were trying to land on me. I remember the smile on his face and his eyes matched the water. It was the first time he really laughed since his mother had died. He told me later that he really needed that laugh.”

Zola looks at one of his assistants and gestures to the red book on the table next to him.

“First word: Longing.”

March 10, 1945

General,

We have had limited success reprogramming Barnes so far. Zola has been working extensively with him, and while we are now seeing less incidents of outward aggression to staff or soldiers, his rate of noncompliance has skyrocketed.

Please advise on any alternate methods we should attempt.

Rusted

Bucky tries not to think about his new normal, but the repetition of each day makes that difficult.

Each morning, he’s awoken by a prison alarm and the instantaneous switching on of all the lights in his cell, followed immediately by his first meal of the day served through a slot in the door. Steel door, reinforced, at least four feet thick. Even the new arm doesn’t make much of a dent in it, though he’s tried. God knows, he’s tried.

After breakfast he’s led to the combat cage where he meets with Zola, before being led through drills that he must comply with. Noncompliance leads to pain. Stepping out of line leads to pain. Not eating leads to pain. Not answering a question leads to pain. His whole life revolves around inflicting pain and trying not to get pain inflicted on him.

On bad days, when he’s been too slow or asked one too many questions, they wipe him before lunch. He wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy. There is nothing else to say. It’s beyond unbearable.

On good days, they’d give him lunch and Zola would run his usual tests. Ask him about a memory, ask him about his family, his parents, his sister, his friends. For some reason, it always came back to Steve. Every time, no matter how Bucky tried to steer his brain away from him, it always came back to Steve.

This time he tells Zola about an old motorcycle they had rescued from the junkyard one summer. It was more scrap metal than anything, rusted out from the wind and the rain and the New York winter it had suffered through outdoors, but they had scraped together pennies from odd jobs and had gotten it to run again. It was a blast, to go zipping through the streets of Brooklyn in the dead of night, looking for trouble or whatever they could find, having to stop what felt like every ten minutes to fix some part that had fallen off or sprung a leak. A total hassle, but totally worth it.

After his tests, Zola would send him back to the unnamed soldier who was responsible for his physical activity, this time to put him against enemies. In the beginning, Bucky would refuse to fight them, but in his new quest of not putting himself through more pain if he could help it, he had started obeying the commands given to him, even if that meant using the strange attachment to his body that he hated looking at, that was welded to his skin, the burned and tortured flesh above it just a reminder that he used to be fully human.

After his second round of drills, they either send him to bed and give him dinner an hour later, or they put him in cryo. He longs for the cold metal of the room they keep him in on the nights when he goes to cryo.

It’s the same every single day.

Zola starts saying a new word to him: Rusted.

May 7, 1945

General,

After three weeks, Barnes’ hunger strike has ended. He can barely stand anymore, let alone lift the arm, but he is willing to eat. Zola has suggested that we put him back in cryo and get his weight up so he can at least stand. Your suggestion of a controlled shock each time he refused to eat worked perfectly, we always appreciate your input in the construction of our new weapon.

Seventeen

They let him out of cryo after what they tell him is four weeks. When he looks down at himself, he can’t see his ribs or the sharp definition of his hipbones anymore. They make sure he can stand, that he can punch, that he can shoot a gun. They work on the strength of the punch. Zola is angry that it’s been weakened.

The hunger strike was a stupid idea, it was too much like what Steve would have done, and Bucky would never be Steve, or be with Steve, no matter how much he would like to.

His body is littered with burn marks from the shocks they gave him when he wouldn’t eat, and Bucky winces at the memory of the pain, the memory of his body seizing up and being outside his control. He supposes he should be used to the out-of-control thing by now, but he isn’t, he can’t, because then he’d really have lost.

Bucky hates cryo, he hates cryo almost more than he hates the mind wipe, because at least when his mind was wiped he could still dream. They couldn’t control what he dreamed about, and they didn’t know what he dreamed about. Rather, they never asked him what he dreamed about, therefore they didn’t know.

Bucky thinks about his last dream, the one where he and Steve were on a beach somewhere. Not the Northeast, somewhere tropical, maybe California. They have their toes in the sand and Steve remarks that the sand is so hot here, how do people walk on sand this hot?

“Sergeant Barnes,” Zola breaks him out of his thoughts, “Tell me why you stopped eating.”

Bucky looks up at him, he’s so tired. He doesn’t want to fight anymore but he has to, the skinny little kid from Brooklyn with blue eyes and a blinding smile would want him to.

“When I was seventeen my family couldn’t afford food for the week,” the words pour out of him of their own volition, and he’s too tired to stop them, “Dad was out of work, we were desperate. Steve and his mom brought over dinner and made us keep the leftovers. It was a pot roast, best thing I’ve ever eaten.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I don’t want to be a weapon. I don’t want to be your weapon.”

Zola leans back and considers him. A smile spreads across his face.

“What you want doesn’t matter. It never did.”

Bucky wants to hit him with the weapon on his left. He wants it more than anything. But he can’t. He’s not allowed. He really just is a lapdog for them now.

Zola adds a word the next day: Seventeen.

June 15, 1945

General,

It has been noted recently that Barnes is unwilling to lash out or attack any combatants that fit the following profile: blond, blue eyes, male. Zola has insisted this weakness is an asset in his reprogramming and that it will not last. We have brought in two soldiers that match this profile at Zola’s request, I will report any findings.

Daybreak

He’s not Steve, Bucky tells himself over and over as the handsome blond solider smiles at him when he brings him his dinner. They open the door now, just so Bucky can see the man clearly, just so he can see his smile and the slight edge to his light blue eyes. They’re lighter than Steve’s but something in Bucky simply doesn’t care anymore. The eyes were wrong but they were something he could cling to. The hair was just a shade too dark but it reminded him of a different time. The smile was just a little too wide, but he remembered one that was a little softer, a little more slanted.

“I remember watching the sun rise in Germany during the war,” Bucky tells Zola blankly in their meeting that day, so used to the stab of the needle in his skin that he doesn’t even feel it, “Steve told me his favorite time of day was this early in the morning, right at daybreak. He told me that before, too, before he was Captain America, but we got to just sit quietly and watch it, watch the colors. I don’t remember them.”

“Very good,” Zola stands, beckoning to the blond solider to take Bucky to his next assignment.

Bucky walks along silently, head held high as he approaches the cage, where a larger soldier is waiting for him, outfitted head to toe in combat gear. Shouldn’t be a problem.

“Soldat,” Zola stares through the bars of the combat cage minutes later, where Bucky has paused, fist raised above the quivering man in front of him, “Don’t hesitate, you wouldn’t want to disappoint your audience.”

Bucky looks over to Zola, the blond soldier who smiled at him the night before is watching.

Zola’s right, he can’t disappoint him.

“New word,” Zola mutters as Bucky straightens up, shaking his hand to get rid of the red on the metal knuckles, “Daybreak.”

July 4, 1945

General,

Barnes had an unfortunate breakthrough during today’s training. He seemed to remember something from prior to his fall and was unable to complete the mission set in front of him. I am becoming frustrated with Zola, he insists that this is all part of the process, that to break a man down there will be moments of pure weakness, but Barnes is looking less and less like the man we thought he was.

Furnace

Steve is the only thing he thinks of when he has a clear mind anymore.

He doesn’t remember little details of his memory anymore, but he remembers Steve. He doesn’t remember his birthday, but he knows when Steve’s is. He doesn’t remember the smell of spring in Central Park, but he remembers the way Steve wore newspapers in his shoes. No matter what, he knows Steve.

Zola knows this, he uses it against him. Every day, the talks get longer, the punishments get more painful, and the amount of times he’s wiped go up.

“Tell me a memory,” it feels like Zola’s asked this a thousand times now.

“Steve’s furnace in his building broke last winter. We had him over for two weeks until the landlord could be bothered to fix it. Mom loves him so much, she would have him around all the time if he’d let her. He always thinks he can do everything himself.”

“You speak of him as if he’s here. Why?”

“I don’t know.”

That’s the truth.

Zola adds Furnace to the list of Bucky’s words. He can feel himself slipping away every time they’re uttered.

August 12, 1945

General,

Thank you for your visit last week. Your insight into our project is much appreciated. I agree that we must continue to press on, we have no put so much man power and energy into the project it would be a shame to shut it down now. Zola believes that we are close to a breakthrough, despite occasional noncompliance by Barnes.

Nine

It’s starting to get harder and harder to fight against the constant onslaught of change they were forcing on his mind.

He can’t dream anymore, so the cryo chamber at least lets him rest, because the only dreams he has are dark and shadowy. He’s losing his already tenuous grip on himself, his memories becoming indistinct, with only a few bright spots left to cling to in his mind.

“Tell me a memory.”

It takes him a second to think of one. He cowers as Zola stands over him.

“When I was nine we went on a field trip to the Met. Steve made me read all the little cards next to the paintings, even though it made us lag behind everyone else.”

“Do you still think of him?”

Always.

“No.”

“Good. Add Nine.”

September 1, 1945

General,

Zola chose to move forward with giving Barnes the news of Steve Rogers’ death last week. So far, it has proven an excellent tactic in breaking his resolve. After an initial disruption in his usual pattern of behavior (consisting of a violent outburst that left his entire holding cell destroyed followed by a complete emotional collapse), Barnes has been much more compliant in the process.

I believe we may be close to a breakthrough.

Benign

Bucky has been unmade, strand by strand, bit by bit, atom by atom, he has been unmade and put back together for the purposes of following orders, of being a human weapon of mass destruction. There has been so much pain in his unmaking, so much unrelenting physical and mental pain from being ripped apart and put back together over and over and over again.

And yet, none of that pain was like the pain of knowing that Steve Rogers was dead.

Bucky would take it all over again, spend a thousand lifetimes in this room, in the cell, in the combat cage, in the cryo chamber, having his mind wiped like a problem on a chalkboard just so he could unlearn that Steve was dead.

Zola is the one that tells him. He shows him a newspaper in English, then Russian, then German, all with the same headline: Captain America Dead!

Bucky feels like a feather caught in a windstorm, torn to shreds by the whipping downdraft of mother nature’s power, by the power of his own grief.

Bucky knows better than to move while Zola is in the room, but the second that he leaves, the rage, red, blind, hot, overtakes him, and he uses the weapon attached to him, which has become a part of him, to destroy everything he can. The metal table, reinforced with steel, comes apart like wet paper in his hand. He destroys the sink, leaving nothing but powdered ceramic and plumbing hookups behind. He gouges marks into the walls with his fingers, he slams his arm onto the floor. And then? He collapses in the middle of the cold metal room with his cold metal arm, just a cold metal soldier who’s lost the only reason he wanted to get out of here, to stay who he was.

“Come on Buck, we don’t have to do this.”

“When was the last time we snuck into a Dodgers game? It’ll be fun, I promise.”

Steve rolls his eyes, pausing as they waited to cross the street to cough into his jacket. Bucky, almost subconsciously pats his jacket pockets. Good, he’s got an extra one of Steve’s inhalers in case it’s a bad night for his asthma.

“Come on Steve,” Bucky nudges his shoulder as they approach the stadium, “I know it’s been hard recently, but hey, at least we have baseball.”

Steve laughs at that, and gives Bucky an almost radiant smile. Whatever it was, it makes Bucky feel like he has the sun in his chest.

“You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say this was a date,” Steve jokes as they sneak in behind an older couple, heading up to their favorite spot to watch the game.

“Who says it isn’t?” Bucky is glad his face is hidden in shadow as they make their way up the stairs of the stadium to the very back row, “But don’t think I’m gonna buy you a hotdog or anything.”

“Come on, what kind of girl pays for her own hotdog?” Steve winks at him, and Bucky can’t hide his wide smile at the words that settle themselves right in the middle of his beating heart.

“Soldat. Stand up,” Zola’s voice comes through the speaker, and Bucky can’t comply, he tries, but he’s crushed by the weight of the loss of Steve Rogers, the only person that could pull him out of this, that could undo the work of HYDRA that had been inflicted on his mind and body.

He hears the stomping of boots outside the door, but he still can’t stand, he still can’t make himself be the good lapdog he’s supposed to be. He’s broken, empty, unusable, unloveable.

“Steve,” Bucky gasps, not even thinking about fighting as the soldiers pull him up to standing.

Zola’s voice comes over the little speaker they have in the room, the one that Bucky couldn’t reach to rip to pieces.

“Next word: Benign”

October 29, 1945

General,

Zola had a long conversation with Barnes today. The loss of Steve Rogers is still affecting him. Zola tells me he has a plan, that our work is almost finished.

Homecoming

They take him to the combat cage again. There’s someone waiting for him.

“We have a test for you today,” Zola swings the door open, and he sees that it’s the blond soldier who reminds him of Steve, tied up and bound and already bloody.

Bucky takes a step forward, staring at the terrified man. He feels something, he can’t identify what it is.

“Tell me a memory.”

Bucky doesn’t take his eyes off of the soldier as he speaks.

“When Steve brought us back from the HYDRA base, they called it our homecoming. I wasn’t used to him yet, him being taller than me, being okay with being the center of attention. I wasn’t used to him being different. But sometimes I saw flashes of the old Steve, when he looked at me, when he was drawing on a scrap of a napkin, when he made a joke that everyone laughed at. And then, sometimes I thought he forgot about me. He didn’t need me anymore.”

He looks down at the soldier.

“Kill him, soldat,” Zola tells him, “You don’t need him. You never did.”

The cowering blond soldier might as well be Steve, Bucky can’t tell the difference anymore. He snaps his neck anyway, pretending that he doesn’t feel the shattered remains of his heart split just a little bit more.

“New word: Homecoming.”

December 15, 1945

General,

Only a few more weeks I believe, Barnes has become more and more compliant, completing missions with ease and without hesitation. We put him in front of a live target yesterday, the man captured at the border three weeks ago. Barnes did not even seem to hear his pleas, even though we have been assured he can hear and understand them.

One

He kills easily now. He does it without thinking.

“Tell me a memory.”

“I don’t have one.”

“Good. Add One.”

January 23, 1946

General,

Congratulations. The asset is ready to begin service.

Freight Car

The Winter Solider does not hesitate. He does not disobey orders. He pulls the trigger as easy as breathing. He’s a ghost story, a legend, the new fist of HYDRA.

Zola speaks to him, he answers. A soldier speaks to him, he answers.

“There is one last word to add,” Zola tells him, walking around where he stands, straight, like a steel rod. He’s more metal than man now, anyway, “Tell me about the day you fell.”

“I ziplined onto a freight car. I took out the targets. I fell. I was found by HYDRA.”

Steve was there. He tried to save me. We joked about Coney Island. I miss him, I wish I was with him. I wish I had died when I fell. I wish I could just be Bucky. I don’t want to be a weapon, I just want to be Bucky.

“Very good, soldat. Final word: Freight Car.”

As each word is read, Bucky departs his mind, taken over by The Winter Solider. Each word takes away a layer of memory, a layer of who he was, who he had fought so hard to stay. Now it doesn’t take weeks of time, or months, to unmake him. All it takes is ten words, ten words that connect him completely to Bucky Barnes, yet somehow, ten words that remove him altogether.

Zola finishes the list. Bucky Barnes is long, long gone.

“Ready to comply.”

#stucky #my writing #stucky fanfic #mcu #not spn

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asterism-os · 3 years

Text

hello! this is a... memory dump? canon-call? little bit of both, i think i really miss my family and i dont wanna forget anything, so im gonna dump it here and also tag it this technically isnt a canon-call, but if you recognize it PLEASE dm me on this acc or @asterism-of-spades so we can chat! (also i have an enderman typing quirk normally, someone’s helpin me type this so nobody has to translate) So I’m Origins!Ranboo! Well... sorta? My canon is a mix of DSMP and OSMP, but I’ve found myself more comfortable with saying I’m OSMPBoo. I used to use he/him prns, shifted to he/void, and pretty recently, outside of my canon, I completely omitted he/him, using voi/void as well as a few other ender-related neoprns. I was married to Tubbo, who was a shulker/bee hybrid, and our relationship was really dubious, nobody but us knew whether we were romantically involved or not (I don’t even remember lmao). We would call each other Bo and Boo! We had 2 kids! I remember we had Michael, and we had another kid but I can’t remember anything important about them, I’ll update this when I do. As of right now, I’m pretty sure they were either another zombie piglin or a child enderman. I have a few small memories, like the sound of their laughs, Michael holding flowers up to Tubbo, and the feeling of two kids laying on me while I told them stories. They would usually call Tubbo Dad or some variation and they’d call me Boo. We also had a dog that Tubbo brought home, even though he was super allergic, and had named... Ray, I think? I had really bad memory issues and derealization episodes in my canon (I do now as well) and I remember Tubbo waking me up every morning and making sure I knew the important stuff (where I was, who we were, that we loved each other, stuff like that) Also????? Tubbo was super strong??? Like. He could EASILY pick me up and just fly into the air with me. He also liked to gross me out by making super cursed noises when we walked through flower fields.... All he Needed to do was touch the flowers but he liked to make gross noises to accompany that- Tommy was a raccoon/shulker hybrid, and Tubbos biological brother! Don’t ask me how that worked because I’m not sure myself! I don’t have many memories with Tommy, but I do remember that he would stay with us a lot. Shroud was there as well, he was Tommy’s son (spider/human hybrid) and Tubbo and I were his uncles! Hmmm.... Phil! Phil was basically everyone’s dad, even though Ghostbur was his only Actual kid. He was a safe space, and he practically radiated peace! He had really cool wings, the outer layer of feathers were like a metallic blue and waterproof, and the inner layers were a super deep black and really soft. When he gave hugs he liked to wrap his wings around people as well, and it was just really cozy and safe. He’d protect me from the rain, and knew basic Enderian so he could communicate with me when I had bad anxiety. Dream was in my canon, and he was a real jerk to me. Uh... I’d go into more detail if you ask, but it’s not really something I’d want to post. I also have a Lot of food-based memories I remember eating Blaze rods, and there were two variants! One was more yellow, and that one tasted like licking a metal spoon after eating apple pie (so a cinnamony-sweet metallic taste), and then a more reddish one that tasted more like cayanne pepper! I’d put the powder from the reddish ones on chicken every so often. Glow berries had the texture of grapes, but tasted like what a glowstick looks like All of the gold-infused foods (gappes, glistening melons, golden carrots) made me really sick because they were so sweet, I really only ate them if I needed to.I would give golden carrots to the kids every so often though, and they’d be bouncing off the walls for the rest of the day I also remember eating chorus fruit! I rarely had it because we never really went to the End, but it had the texture and visual of a dragonfruit (but purple), and tasted like grape juice! The leaves on nether vines tasted like pasta spices, so Jack once got the idea to try and take the bases and make pasta out of it, since nether vines had thick bases It... didn’t go well, we’ll just say

I also have some more smaller memories with people: trying to high-five niki and her hurting me on accident because she was wet jack and i scrambling to find shelter during a sudden thunderstorm and laughing once we werent actively getting hurt anymore ghostbur showing up behind me randomly and scaring the crap outta me also! heres some more memories about me! i had a Really bad stutter when i was speaking english lmao, it was definitely a struggle the enderspeak in my tl was really similar to the language that people are learning irl! eye contact was only uncomfortable if the person was a stranger/a threat! in my culture, eye contact was viewed as a threat unless it was from someone who you cared for! I had a Victorian-esque aesthetic! My eyes used to both be green, but my red eye got damaged. I’ll talk more about that under the cut! CW/TW for blood and injury

So my eye is red because I got shot with an arrow like... directly above my eye. My blood had a chemical reaction with the fluids in my eye and turned it red! Also my blood is purple, looks like grape fanta.

#so idrk how to tag this #uhh #dsmp fictive #canon calls #origins smp fictive #spades memories #🗝

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suekre · 3 years

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So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense. It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

„I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this - I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE:

#ocd #rocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #relationship obsessive compulsive disorder #mental disorder #sanne rambles

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apenapaperandadoofus · 3 years

Text

A Starry Night (Jihyun x MC fluff!)

Here’s something for all of you Jihyun fans, I’m sure y’all were heart broken with the AE and I wanted to cheer y’all up a little bit :D

It’s been a while since I’ve written like this, and for V too, so uh- I’m sorry if it’s shitty lmao it was made at 4am by a very tired Amanda ✌️

Anyhow hope you enjoyyy~

“That’s not fair!” You cried as you looked at your husband’s gingerbread house. Jihyun only smiled humbly and glanced over at yours.

“Y/N yours isn’t bad, I actually think it’s really ni-”

´´Jihyun the roof literally collapsed and massacred all of my gingerbread family!!” You groaned as you tried to fix your broken gingerbread house.

It had been your idea for the two of you to bake some Christmas themed stuff that afternoon, and Jihyun happily agreed to do it.

You had been pretty confident about your cooking skills, granted neither of you had ever made a gingerbread house before, but you had seen enough videos and tutorials to feel as if you were going to emerge victorious in making one!

Yeah, no.

Everything was going fine at first. Both you and V were having fun mixing the dough, listening to Christmas music and dancing around the room, playfully. Sometimes Jihyun would suddenly grab you by the hand and spin you around, giving you a peck on the cheek whenever you finished dancing. There was also this mini food fight the two of you had, where you had wiped a bit of flour off in Jihyun´s cheek smirking mischievously. He smiled and then before you knew it, the two of you were head to toe covered in flour and icing.

It was really fun, and the two of you were really enjoying yourselves!

While you waited for the dough to bake, the two of you helped each other clean yourselves from the flour. Jihyun would gently take a towel and wipe your face, smiling lovingly at you while you also got bits of flour off from his hair.

When he was done, he cradled your cheek and rubbed his forehead against yours, making you giggle. He didn’t pull away for a few minutes, and then he started leaning his face closer and closer to you. He stopped just inches away from your lips with his eyes half closed.

´Can I kiss you?’ he asked.

You slowly nodded and let out a satisfied sigh as Jihyun cupped your neck and gently pulled your lips to his, enveloping you in a chaste kiss. You leaned closer to him and wrapped your arms around his neck, making him smile. The two of you held each other, your kiss eventually becoming hotter, faster, more desperate.

You didn’t exactly know when, but at one point Jihyun gently pressed you against the counter, still kissing you, and you rubbed your hips against him, making him let out a moan.

Before the two of you could go any further though, the oven let out a loud ding! That startled the two of you. You shyly pushed away, and smiled at Jihyun, cupping his cheek.

´Welp, we can continue this later. Now I am going to beat your ass in making gingerbread houses!´you said playfully, as you softly pushed a laughing Jihyun aside and got the oven mitts out.

The dough was perfect! You let out an excited squeal and the two of you began working on your houses.

At first everything was going well. You had the structure planned out, and the icing was ready! All you had to do was build and decorate the house, which you believed was the easy part.

Oh how wrong you were.

First, you had built the walls and put inside your little gingerbread people! It was a cute little family you had made, and they were all sitting around the place, some where even looking out the window! You thought it was absolutely adorable, and got ready to put on the roof.

Jihyun meanwhile, was still working on his walls, and you stuck out your tongue. “All I have to do is decorate and I’m done! This is another win for Y/N!!” You celebrated.

Jihyun smiled and shook his head, concentrated on steadily building the walls.

You had to admit he was really cute. So before putting the roof on your house you decided to sneakily take a picture of Jihyun.

He was sticking his tongue out, just like he always did when he was focused on something. There was also a bit of flour on his face and hair which was messily sticking to his forehead.

After you took the picture and sent it to the RFA chat, you put your phone back in your pocket and began the procedure of slooowly putting the roof on the house.

Slow...sloooooow...aaaand done!!!

You let out a small whoop as you took a few steps back to admire your work. It was looking really good, if you could say so yourself.

Jihyun laughed and told you that you did a great job! You waited for him to finished and then started decorating your gingerbread houses, making little comments or making up stories about your gingerbread people while time passed.

You did not enjoy decorating.

It was so friggen hard! You didn’t even know how to do it! Meanwhile Jihyun was beside you, making beautiful designs for the roof, the walls,the windows.

Well he WAS an artist after all. Still it made you a bit pouty that your own house wasn’t turning out how you wanted it to be.

“Ahh Jihyun! How are you even doing this? Decorating is really haaaard!” You whined as you stood behind him, watching him work.

He chuckled and then shrugged. “Well...I honestly don’t know. I can help you with yours if you’d like.”

You shook your head and went back to your gingerbread house. “I’ll just add a bunch of sprinkles or something to make it look better.”

You took some chips and started spreading them around the roof.

It wasn’t that bad honestly.

That was...until all hell broke loose.

All of a sudden (you didn’t exactly know why, though you were suspecting the amount of chocolate chips you had put on the roof had been the cause) your roof collapsed into the house and you let out a pained cry.

“NO MY HOUSE” you cried, as the roof collapsed and slaughtered all of your gingerbread people.

The two of you stood in silence for a few minutes.

Then, Jihyun, oh sweet Jihyun, started laughing. At first he tried to cover it up with his hands, but eventually he couldn’t hold it in anymore and laughed, hugging his stomach while bending over and sometimes looking up at you to see if you were actually mad.

“I’m...I’m so sorry Y/N, it’s just, hahahaha, it’s just- oh god! Was it the sprinkles??” He asked between fits of laughter.

You tried to glare at him, but eventually a smile formed on your face. “I do think it was the sprinkles..but Jihyun! You can’t laugh about this tragedy! All of them all dead!” You pouted . Jihyun gestured towards his house and gave you a small smile. “Why don’t we both work on mine then?”

“Really? You were doing such a great job and I might...I dunno screw it up?”

He shook his head. “Nonsense. Besides, your touch will make the house more special. Whatever you do will look like a masterpiece in my eyes. Except no sprinkles. Please.”

You blushed and chuckled as you walked closer to Jihyun and started working on his, no, your gingerbread house. It was something the two of you did together, and when you were done, you took a picture and sent it to the RFA. Then you decided to eat!

You were laying on the couch, holding each other.Jihyun was checking his phone and talking to the RFA members for the two of you, while you ate parts of the house and sometimes fed a few to V. It was calm, and beautiful. Until V let out a surprised gasp and you jumped, wondering what was wrong.

On his phone, you could see the picture that you had sent to the RFA of him bulding the gingerbread house. You couldn’t help but laugh at V’s expression, his eyes wide and his face all flustered. You only bopped his nose and said, “that’s what you get for being so adorable you beautiful man.”

To that, Jihyun blushed even more, but he smiled and told you it was fine. Although he would have liked to take a picture of you too later.

And so, a few hours passed, and the two of you made your way out into the balcony. You had one of those hanging chairs that you would always use, so V sat on it and then you quickly got on top of him and held him close. It was nighttime already, and the stars were beautiful.

Eventually V nuzzled his head on your neck, and whispered something.

“Jihyun....?” You asked.

Shyly, he looked up at you and nuzzled closer.

“I love you Y/N. I love you so much.” He said.

“I love you too Jihyun.” You smiled and kissed his forehead, but V shook his head.

“I just...I love you so much. You don’t understand how much you’ve changed me, how much you’ve helped me. I just want to thank you for everything. For being by my side, for...for actually loving me. I’m so lucky I get to be with someone like you, love. Sometimes I wonder how I got to meet someone as amazing as you, I don’t...I don’t deserve you, yet here you are, waking up by my side every morning. Thank you, Y/N, and merry christmas.”

You softly smiled and gently made V look up at you. “You silly little man. It’s me who should be thanking you. Jihyun...you deserve the best of the best, and I promise I will always work hard to give you whatever you want. You’ve also changed me, so much. And I’m so grateful that I’m with you. Thank you Jihyun. I’m glad I get to spend Christmas with you.”

And with that, you both kissed, and held each other, looking up at the stars and whispering words of love.

The end!

#mystic messenger #jihyun mysme #saeyoung choi #mysme #yoosung kim #jumin han #jaehee kang #saeran choi #choi bois #mysme zen

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #451

“taste the waste of their god’s grace & spit your hate upon your young”

Who are you subscribed to on YouTube? A shitload of people. Do you like to go to the farmer's market? Yeah, sure. What will (or was) the color of your wedding dress be? Probably black. What's your favorite melon? I don't really like melons, actually. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy. :( When was the last time you wished the day would just get over with? Literally every day. Seriously. It's funny, I dread fighting to sleep at night, but I also just want it to be time to sleep so time will pass. My life is just so fucking boring that I just... wait for something exciting to happen. Name one person you've never had a fight with: Tez. What are you currently listening to? "Sex Metal Barbie" by In This Moment. What would you rather have: cat or dog? I prefer cats. Who is your least favorite person in real life? Probably my sister's husband. Do you ever watch anybody's live stream of... anything, really? I'll sometimes watch live let's plays. Does your house have security cameras? No. If you go grey as you age, would you dye your hair or let it be? I'll be dyeing it. What was the last establishment you stopped going to due to bad service? What happened? I'm not sure. What soundtrack do you listen to the most? Silent Hill 2's, definitely. Was there a family secret you weren’t told about until you were an adult? I don't know if it's really a secret, but I didn't know until this year that my dad did some really dangerous drugs before us kids were born. Do you have an opinion most people you meet seem to disagree with you? Yes. What’s something you like to have many options to choose from? Food, ha ha. Feels great to have a full kitchen after a grocery trip. What’s the strangest decorative object you own? Nothing "strange" to me. What’s a thing you couldn’t imagine doing with your life right now? One biggie is having a baby. I just... could not imagine. My life would plummet. What’s been your proudest moment? Graduating in the top percentile in my high school graduating class. What’s the filthiest non-pornographic movie you’ve seen? Omfg, Sausage Party. That movie was so gross. Do you know anyone who doesn't seem to be fond of animals? Thankfully, no. I don't even think I could befriend someone who doesn't like animals. Are you planning any outings or trips anytime soon? Whereabouts? No. Do you know anyone who has a phobia of a certain animal? Yeah, like me with whale sharks. Is there a particular brand of technology/electronics that you prefer? Not really, no. Is there a singer whose voice gives you goosebumps/chills? Amy Lee's. And is there a singer whose voice you simply can't stand? Yeah, such as Bob Dylan. Are there any authors that are particularly dominant on your bookshelf? Tui T. Sutherland, but only because I read their series Wings of Fire. Have you seen any photographs or videos that made you smile today? I'm sure on Facebook at some point. Which item in your fridge are you most looking forward to consuming? Does the freezer count? If so, this Healthy Choice grilled chicken pesto bowl I have in there. I am like addicted to them. Has anyone you know got into a new relationship lately? I don't know. If you menstruate, do you experience much PMS prior to it? It varies month-to-month. Have you ever had a tattoo covered up or added to? I had my Markiplier tattoo essentially redone by a better artist. I also plan on getting my "ohana" tat covered, as well as my "how rare and beautiful it is to even exist" one (I adore the quote, but it's not an original design, which I don't like having anymore), and I want to move and redesign my "perfectly flawed" one because I want a bigger tattoo in its location. Can you remember the last time you had a sudden change of mind? Yeah; I'm pretty sure I like-like my friend Girt now, something I was never entirely sure about. When was the last time you did something on a whim? *shrug* Were you raised by both of your parents? If not, then who raised you? Well, I guess both, but Dad didn't do a lot of the teaching part about life and stuff. Have you ever began a relationship with someone you knew for less than a week? No. Has one of your friends ever tried to ‘hook you up?’ Yes. Colleen tried that with me and Girt and only succeeded in making us very uncomfortable. She said something I wanted to slap her for that I won't repeat. What is your card game of choice? Magic: The Gathering. What is your favourite books series? I think my favorite series of all time was the Shiloh trilogy. I adored both the books and movies. Do you prefer landmarks or street names when being given directions? You'd better give me landmarks, ha ha. Do you read the prologues in the beginnings of books? Of course. What was your favourite gym class moment? There're such things as GOOD gym memories in school? Do you think that ocean boardwalks are fun? Yes. Do you dread when people ask you to sign their yearbooks? No, I always thought it was very flattering that they even wanted mine. Do you have a favourite Scooby-Doo movie? The Phantom Virus one. I had the video game as a kid, too. Could never beat the damn thing. Do you think it’s cute when toddlers try to run away and fall down? No? I don't like seeing children - or anyone - fall. Do you enjoy listening to your grandparents tell stories of their past? So, this really only happened once, and it was coincidentally the day I learned of her pancreatic cancer, but before Mom told me. I had an assignment to interview someone of an older generation about how various sources of media affected their lives, like the development of TV and such, and she really got into it. It was very interesting to learn about. Do you have a crush on someone? I guess I do idfk. If so... what does his/her name begin with? "D." What attracts you to them? More than anything, the fact he's been there for me without fail. Both single and when I was with Jason and he was interested in me, he's just... been there and has made an effort since high school to be in my life in one way or another. Do they know that you like them? Not anymore, no. We dated for a few months, but I broke up with him because he felt more like my brother, so I would assume he doesn't think I do. Maybe he still is family to me. I really don't know what I feel. If they don't know, why didn't you tell them? I might at some point, idk. We just haven't talked in a while. Name two people that you miss: Jason and Megan. Have you ever seen Titanic? When I was in the hospital, yes. Everyone was crying, lmao. Have you ever swam with dolphins? No, but I would. When was the last time you had a stomachache? Now. Mother Nature finally visited me after three whole fucking months and is v angry. What's going to bed early for you? Like 7:00. Do you want to have a big family in the future? Of pets! Human kids ain't for me. What was the last thing you did that gave you a rush? Hell if I know. Favorite Nicholas Cage movie? Ghost Rider. Have you had your Covid vaccine yet? Which one, if you have? Yes. I got Moderna. If you've had your vaccine, did you experience any side effects? I did on my second dosage. I was OUT of it the day afterwards, but then I was fine. What's the next item of clothing that you intend to buy for yourself? I need new bras badly. What Facebook groups have you found the most helpful? It's called "Not Just A Pet Rock (Python regius)" and is a group for advanced ball python husbandry. It is very informative, but I will say there is a SHITLOAD of very rude elitists. Do you like your butt? Why or why not? NO because it's a PANCAKE and I want CAKE. Have you ever personally been a victim of homophobia? I personally think so. When Sara visited and we were trying to go to my older sister's so she especially could meet her, Ash entirely ignored Mom's messages. I know her homophobic husband well enough to nearly be able to guarantee he didn't want us coming over because the kids "don't need to see that." Ash kinda does what Nick says, so... you know. Do you think you’d be happier if you had a pet? I know I'm happier with pets. Who was the last person you went on a date with? Sara. Were you ever hospitalized as a little kid? No. What’s your favorite way to curl your hair? It's too short to do that. At what age did you start swearing? However old I was in 7th grade. What is something you physically can’t do? Clean up vomit lkdsjal;sdkjfa;lkwd. I can't clean up my pet's or even my own. I literally can't. My mom has to. What do like better, apples or oranges? Apples. I don't like oranges. Around the holidays, do you hope for snow? Yes!!! What are your top two favorite bands? Ozzy Osbourne and Metallica. How many people do you 100% trust? Like two. Maybe. Do you care what others think about you? Way too much. Has anyone ever called you a bitch? My grandmother has. Did you watch Teletubbies when you were younger? Omg yes, I was obsessed. Do you have any licenses other than your driver's license? I don't even have that. Could you live the rest of your life without eating meat? No. Not because I don't want to, because I do, but I would have an extreme protein deficit if I did that. Besides meat, I don't like enough protein-rich foods. Have you ever had a rolling backpack? Yes. Did you make any money today? I haven't made any money in a very, very long time. I'm only ever paid when someone hires me to take pictures for them. What was the highest place you've ever jumped from? I don't know. Definitely not very high. Have you ever gone swimming in a river? Yes. What was the last souvenir someone got you? I have zero clue. Do you have a favorite remix of a song? Hm. Perhaps this techno-y remix of "Psychosocial" by Slipknot. I don't know for sure, though. What do you think is the most saddest sounding instrument? Either the violin or piano. Do you really pay attention to the ratings on movies? Nope. Do you have a favorite species of wild cat (tiger/lion/cougar/etc.)? Probably clouded leopards aesthetics, but I think lions overall. If you had $500,000, what would you do with it? Pay off school debt as well as help Mom with various financial issues, buy new glasses, buy Mom and I a new house and car, get Venus a great tank with all the optimal supplies, get LOADS of tattoos, donate to various charities, adopt a few specific pets, travel to Yellowstone, get laser hair removal on my legs and teeth whitening... There are a lot of possibilities. Did the last person you touched lips with have a kid? Just scaly ones. :') "First loves are never really over." Is this true for you? Yeeeep... Did you like Michael Jackson before he died? I didn't really have an opinion on him. I know/like a couple songs, sure. What are some things that would make you break up with someone? If they became abusive, started doing drugs, acted arrogantly, didn't understand my mental conditions and were unwilling to be emotionally supportive, stuff like that. What was the worst breakup you've ever had? Ha, the one with Jason. For. Fucking. Sure.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''degrade'' by 3teeth

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espinosaurusrexex · 4 years

Text

Hater

In which Y/N tries to convince herself that she does not have any feelings for Jeff and miserably fails.

warnings: cursing, a really bad apology (like damn I’m sorry im bad at conversing and it shows lmao)

a/n: For the really nice @ilsolee, who requested something from my Drabble List. Thank you for requesting this. I loved this concept and even played with the thought of breaking it into a series (I ended up not doing that but if you want me to next time, to make it a little longer or even more detailed, just tell me).

As always, I’m open to feedback :)

4. Right now, you’re just being really annyoing.

6. How come you’re still so stubborn, Sugar?

21. Can I kiss you?

word count: 3.8k

She hated him. She hated his dumb smirk and his overly attractive body. She hated the way he talked to her and how he didn't seem to care about people when he interacted with them. His cringy beard triggered her and the muscles on his body intimidated her. There was nothing on this man that could attract her to Jeff Wittek.

Well, those were the points. And Y/N wasn't going to change her mind about this awfully handsome man. At least she didn't want to and found herself relaxing every time she dug a little deeper to find more reasons, why she could hate him. As if him being an ex convict wasn't enough reason to keep a distance, Y/N was intrigued by slipping into his past to be a step ahead for every comment he spat her way. That way she could tell herself that, no matter what he would say to her, she knew something about him that nobody else did. And that gave her the feeling of superiority she seeked a little too often these days.

“What do you think about that, Y/N”, Jeff questioned and raised his eyebrows at her, who had yet to answer his question. There it was again: that stupid smirk. God, she wanted to smack it out of his face every time she saw it. And not the gentle way. The way that would leave a red mark in the form of her hand for several hours. Though it was really hard for her to resist that urge right now, she settled for a snarky comment instead.

“I think that right now, you're just being really annoying.” A low hush went through the room and Y/N noticed Jeff’s face scrunching up in a faked, pained one. He continued to place his hand above his heart before relieving a loud cry.

“You're so mean! Oh god, I think I have to kill myself now.” The rest of their friends laughed, which made Y/N feel quite uncomfortable.

“Bohoo, you gonna call your mom now?” Y/N scooched deeper into the cushions as she noticed how childish her behavior had been the whole day.

“Honestly, doll. If you want to upset me, you have to come up with some better roasts. That shit was weak. I feel like I’m arguing with a fifth grader.” Y/N groaned. Another thing she hated about Jeff: him calling her ‘doll’ in that dumb Jersey accent of his.

Sending a growl over to Jeff, Y/N stood up and headed towards the kitchen. She rummaged through the cabinets until she found something to snack her anger away on and proceeded to snatch a water bottle from the fridge. She sat on the counter of David’s kitchen and stared at the white tiles a little longer until she felt a hand on her shoulder and a whiff of strawberry entered the room. Carly. Honestly, Y/N didn't want to talk right now. Drowning her anger in food and tv shows seemed far more appealing to her than engaging in a discussion about her well being or a certain other person she didn't want to think about right now. She knew she had embarrassed herself. Not only today, but all the other times she would start to bicker with Jeff about the most random things.

“Hey Y/N/N…” Carly pushed herself up on the counter next to her and took a cookie from her friend's hand. She knew that Y/N didn't want to talk, but she also couldn't help but wonder what fed the deep hatred her best friend had for Jeff. A man, who had actually been pretty nice and funny to Carly during the time they had known each other. Sure, he wasn't the nicest to Y/N, but that was mainly, because her friend never had anything nice to say towards him, either. Carly would have reacted the same way, if somebody would greet her with such an attitude from day one on. She couldn't bring herself to ask Y/N, though. Knowing deep down that she probably had a good reason to behave the way she did.

A nudge ripped Y/N out of her trance. “Jeff is actually pretty nice, you know?” The platine blonde murmured while glancing back to the living room in which most of their friends gathered at the moment. Jeff shared a short glance with her before turning his attention back to the discussion that was going on.

“Carly, I’m not magically going to love that guy just because you say he’s ‘pretty nice’.” Y/N chuckled in a mocking manner and turned her head towards her best friend. “I don't like him and that’s final. I find reasons to not like him every day and that is ok. I don't have to like everybody you're friends with. If you want to hang out with a former convict, then do it, but don't expect me to join you again.”

Carly sighed before hopping down from the counter to stand between Y/N’s legs. She looked into her eyes, trying to find a hint of sorrow in them, but nothing. Not even a little bit of dishonesty glimmered in her orbs. She let her head down, shaking it in the process.

“If you say so…” Carly went back to the common area and Y/N was left to sit alone again. She stared at the ceiling for a while and then at the walls. After a couple of minutes, that got pretty boring, so she just decided to leave. She didn’t need them to have fun. And she definitely didn't need to show them how bothered she was by her friends hanging out with people that didn't appreciate her.

It had been a week since her last encounter with Jeff and Y/N couldn't help but feel pretty good about avoiding any situations regarding him. She occupied herself with paperwork and her dog, Dax. Fully ignoring the fact that she felt a little lonely inside, she watched her friends’ Snapchat stories daily. The restaurant she was working at had not been that busy the last couple days, which lead to Y/N getting off early and left to spend even more time in her Apartment, alone, with Dax, of course.

Another week went by and to say the least, Y/N was bored. Her daily routines had consisted of eating, working, and sleeping. She had finished pretty much every series existent on Netflix and there was nothing else to do. She found herself sitting on her phone again. This time, almost envying the fun her friends had without her. But she couldn’t bring herself to text them. She needed to prove it to herself and them that she didn't care if they hung out with people she didn't want around. Mainly, she needed to convince herself, but that facade began to falter with every minute that went by.

A sudden knock on her door echoed through the room and Y/N got up quickly. Too excited that something was happening, she sprinted to the door and basically ripped it open. The handle rammed into the wall and left an evident hole, but Y/N didn’t care.

“I’m done with your shit ass attitude!” Carly stormed into the apartment with heavy steps and came to a stop at the dining table. The confusion was clearly written over Y/N’s features as she watched her best friend stand in front of her with crossed arms.

“What do you mean?”

Carly scoffed. An action she had perfected over the years she had known Y/N. “I will not stop hanging out with Jeff, just because you don't like him! Accept that for God’s sake!” Her chest was heaving and Y/N had not seen her friend this furious in a very long time.

The tension between them began to rise, but Y/N wouldn't break. “Well then you have a problem, because I will not ‘hang’ with the devil himsel-” But she was cut off by the blonde.

“Jeff. It’s Jeff! You know, you could actually say his name for once! He’s a human being just like everyone else. And it's not fair that you treat him like shit just because of his background. I didn't think that I was friends with a person that is so selfish and shallow that they would reject people based on the things that happened in the past. We all know what he did! And it's not like he is a killer or psychopath! Especially the people in our group of friends should be able to rely on each other and not be scared that there will be talking behind their back. Because you know what?! That’s exactly what happened with Trisha and now everyone hates her! Do you want that?! Then just say it because I need to know!”

Her words were like a wake up call. One that hit deep in the gut and spread through the body in hives of pain until it reached the brain and it could actually register what had just been said. Y/N trained her eyes on the floor. If Carly put it that way, it did sound like Y/N had grown into a horrible person. A person, she most certainly didn't want to be. Not in her or anyone else’s eyes. It pained her to see, how wrecked her friend got by the thought of Y/N being like the person Carly had described seconds before.

“Y/N! Fuck! Say something! … God damn it, I need by best friend back and I need to know if she’s still here.”

With that, Y/N couldn't hold it anymore. A loud sob escaped her lungs and the tears followed soon after.

“I’m so sorry, Carly.” , she sobbed as she tried to stop the tears from falling, “I’m so sorry, I’m a horrible person…”

Through blurry eyes Y/N could see her friend trying to prevent some tears from falling as well, but she kept quiet. Waiting for an explanation on her end.

“I don’t hate him. I don't hate him for his past or his humor I don't hate him at all. God why is this so hard?!” Y/N kept wiping away the salty wetness on her cheeks and proceeded to talk. “I just thought that… if I told myself that I didn't like him, I would believe myself, eventually. I don't care if he went to jail or prison or whatever. I don't care at all… I just wanted to protect myself and I guess, I went a little too far…”

Silence. It was crushing and if silence had a sound in this second, it would have been something that would make your ears explode. Carly knew, what her best friend meant when she said ‘she wanted to protect herself’. It had been a secret between the two of them, but Y/N didn't exactly have the best relationships in the past. In fact, Y/N and her ex-boyfriends all ended on bad terms. And it had taken at least three month and about five pounds of ice cream or chocolate to make her leave the house again, every time. Y/N didn't seem like it, because of her sassy attitude, but she got attached too quickly and fell way too hard. Carly should have suspected it, seeing that Jeff checked pretty much all of the boxes Y/N’s ex’s did, too. She felt regret rushing through her for throwing those words at her, but she was fairly desperate herself, being without her best friend for over two weeks. They had both been too stubborn to text each other and now they saw what it did to them. They were both devastated and exhausted. It didn't do anyone any good if those two were not together at least once a day.

“You have to tell him.” Carly spoke after ten minutes of remaining silent.

This made Y/N snap her head up again. “I can’t! Not after everything, I have said to him!” Her eyes were wide in shock and she stepped closer to the blonde girl leaning on her table. “Besides, we both know that the last weeks were just foreshadowing of what would happen if Jeff and I would… “ She didn't speak any further, noticing that she had actually said his name out loud for the first time.

“Well, you have to at least say something to him! Apologize. Because whatever is happening right now, is just childish.”

Carly was right. Y/N hated when her friend was right. And even though it was probably going to be more embarrassing than her fist time, she knew that she had to talk to Jeff.

Believing that nothing would change her mind about said man was probably a stupid thing to do. To say she was nervous to talk to somebody, she had spent the past year insulting, even more so. The whole time, she was so focused on his background and things magazines and haters wrote about him, she had never even considered to investigate further into his personality. Not that she had thought it was going to be any better than her assumptions, anyway. Though, she never had a friendly conversation with him, she had to admit that she had always been the one starting the snappy comments and he probably just followed along.

With that in mind, Y/N stood at a balck door with the number 703 printed on it in gold. How was she going to approach this? She didn't know, either. But she knew that she had to fix it somehow. Y/N wasn't a bad person after all and seeing that she had the opportunity to at least try and fix things, cleared her conscious a little.

She knocked on the door gently, secretly praying that noone was home and she could just push this event to another day, but her hopes were shattered after a few seconds. The door opened and behind it was the man himself. Shirtless, of course. He had a toothbrush in his right hand and was holding the door open with the other. The light from the window behind him made his body glow in a sunrise-orange tone and Y/N had to scold herself for comparing him to an image of Adonis right there. His questioning facial expression changed to a cocky one as soon as he registered who had been interrupting his morning routine on this day and he moved his body to the side to motion for her to come in. Y/N followed his demands, inspecting his home. Even though she had known him for several months now, she had never even seen his apartment complex before. And looking at the plane walls surrounding rooms that were provided with a minimum of furniture, she decided that she had not missed out on anything. It was the typical man cave. With its lack of decoration and the fminine touch that made every home a home, it appeared rather unwelcoming and cool to her.

Jeff returned from the bathroom without the toothbrush and went to the fridge to get some water.

“What did I earn your company with on this fine morning?” Jeff cocked an eyebrow at the woman standing in his living room. It was pretty relaxing that she had not started this morning with an argument and Jeff didn't know it yet, but Y/N was about to surprise him for the second time today.

With that, Y/N turned to him and took his body in one more time before shrugging her shoulders and continuing to look around his apartment. The apology she had planned was weighing on her chest, but now that she was actually standing here with him, alone, she didn't know if ‘I like your shirt’ was the best entry into this conversation. Apart from the fact that he was not even wearing a shirt, it was the best Y/N had come up with for an icebreaker.

She noticed some dog toys on the floor and decided to settle with that for the start.

“I Have a dog, too.” Y/N motioned to the water bowl next to her and forced a smile on her face to try and hide the humiliation that spilled over her in a giant wave.

Jeff looked into her eyes intently and answered with a frozen expression. “Yeah mine died last week.”

“Oh.” ‘I like your shirt’ suddenly seemd a lot less stupid. Y/N escaped a nervous laugh as she tried to come up with something to say, but Jeff just chuckled after noticing her puzzled expression.

“Just kidding, Nerf’s at the groomers.” A rush of adrenaline filled Y/N veins by those words. He was a dick, but she had to get this over with, somehow. Otherwise, Carly would whoop her ass and send her back to his door, right after and Y/n was not planning on this event to happen.

“Why don't you just tell me something you hate about this place and we take our separate path’s again?” Jeff was serious. He couldn't figure out, why she was here, or what she could possibly want from him, other than a battle of words, he would win anyways. So when Y/N fell silent again, he couldn't help but wonder if this was about something bigger than just another snarky comment.

“No.” Y/N looked away. Too big was the embarrassment she would face in the next minutes, if she was really going through with her plan of apologizing.

They had come so far already, not being caught up in an argument about something inconsequential for the whole time they were in his apartment and jeff could sense the conflict in her mind from a mile away. He was a pretty good liar himself and that subconsciously helped him to read people fairly well.

“How come you’re still so stubborn, Sugar?” A smirk snugg onto his face, again while he approached her from behind, trying to turn her focus to him.

Y/N had shivers running down her spine with those words. There was no denying, anymore. Jeff was an attractive man, but the fact that he knew it, gave her enough reason to not let him know how she felt about him. It was tough, and seeing that he had a dog, left her wondering if there weren't many more things they had in common.

She turned around and stared up at him. Jeff was dangerously close to her, but Y/N did not attempt to increase the distance between them. It was uncomfortable to say the least, but the things she would say next were uncomfortable, too. Where was the point in changing anything about their current situation when she knew that it only got worse from here on? Exactly, there was none.

“What I’ve been meaning to say is that… I’m sorry. I have been mean to your for the sake of keeping you off my mind and it didn't even work. I just started beef with you, because I was scared. I was scared to face the fact that you are a pretty nice guy and on top of that someone I could actually fall for. You have been nothing but nice to all of my friends and even me. That is, until I started to open my stupid mouth. I’m incredibly sorry, Jeff. I hope you know that everything I said to you was not to be taken seriously. And that I’m not mad at you for the things you said to me. I honestly think, I deserve for those to be tattooed on my forehead for my shitty behavior. I’m… ugh… I’m just sorry and I hope that we can start over. I would love to be your friend if you want that, too. Though, I would understand if you don’t. I’m sorry, I truly am.”

That was a much needed release of pressure, which was crushing Y/N’s soul with every second she had to hold it in. The hardest part was over. Now, she just had to deal with the consequences. And those were something Y/N surely did not expect.

“Can I kiss you?”, was all he said as he searched for her eyes in the glimmer of the morning sun rising outside his windows.

A shocked expression covered her face. She had just overcome the most embarrassing thing she could imagine and Jeff had totally ignored her. Rude.

“What?”

Jeff chuckled. “It's just, what you just said was pretty hot and I would just like to kiss you right now.”

Noone had ever initiated a kiss this casually and Y/N didn't care anymore at this point. She knew that the second Carly had told her to talk to Jeff, her mission of protecting herself from him and the eventual heartbreak, would be cancelled. And she was a 100% right.

“I guess I have a thing for people apologizing. Especially if they are as pretty as you.” Y/N shivered. That was, in a weird way, the sweetest thing she had heard in a long time and she couldn't help but nod her head ‘yes’.

Jeff didn't hesitate for another second. Too strong was the longing he had felt for her from the second she introduced herself to him months ago. He pushed his lips against hers, forcing her to stand on her tippy toes and locking her hands on his shoulders for support. They shared a closed mouth kiss for a couple of seconds before Jeff grabbed the back of her head with one hand. The other sneaking down her spine and stopping at the small of her back to push her even closer to him. A small whimper escaped Y/N’s lips and Jeff took that opportunity to slide his tongue in her mouth to french kiss. He explored her mouth, not leaving one corner untouched or unappreciated. Jeff was good at it. He was so good at it that Y/N just let herself fall into the kiss and let him take the lead, not even ringing his tongue for dominance. After a couple of seconds, she snuck her hands up his neck and buried her fingers into the buzzed hair on the back of his head. The stubbles tingled her skin and she just melted farther into his body.

They broke apart after what felt like hours. Both panting, they looked at each other still wrapped into one another. There was a comfortable silence and tension between the two of them that was buzzing in their heads like electricity.

“You know, I always liked you, Y/N. I knew you would drop your act, eventually and just be mine.” Jeff grinned down to her, knowing he had finally won her over.

“Keep up that attitude and I can't promise anything.” Y/N smiled, too. She was willing to see where this was going, but for now she would just live in the moment and enjoy the time, in which no one gave her a reason to worry about anything. Especially not Jeff.

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neo-culture-taste · 4 years

Text

Subscribe! - I Want a Baby Now

Pairing: Kun x Reader (fem)

Genre: AU, romance, comedy, fluff

Word count: 2403

Summary: A YouTube inspired drabble series where you and your boyfriend upload videos catering to the couple tag.

For other members, see masterlist.

The video began with you standing very close to the camera as you adjusted it into position. Once it was sitting how you wanted it to be, you took a few steps back to check how it appeared from afar, and revealed the rest of your apartment's living room with the camera in perfect view of your couch. You smiled to yourself and clapped your hands at your handiwork.

"Perfect!" The clip changed to you standing close to the camera again, this time so you could speak directly to your audience. "Hi and hello, everyone! Welcome back to my channel! Today I have a little treat planned for all of you. Since you keep requesting over and over for me to make another video with my boyfriend," you said. Screenshots of some of the comments you received from your viewers appeared on the screen around you, "I'm finally giving in. But why not make it fun, right? So as you can see, today," you clasped your hands together and shook them in front of you as you spoke," I'm going to prank Kun into thinking that I want to have a baby right now. I hid my camera inside my bag on this little table thing I have," you said and the accompanying picture displayed on the screen. "So it just looks like I tossed my bag here after coming home from vlogging. Totally inconspicuous." You laughed to yourself a bit maniacally, a little devil emoji appearing next to your head. "Kun's on his way over with some food and when he gets here I'm going to purposely put on a show with babies in it so it won't be random when I bring it up." You stepped away from the camera again and held your arms out wide. "Now let the show begin!"

The clip changed to your boyfriend walking in with the bag of food and then greeting you with a kiss before he set the bag down onto your coffee table. He took the seat next to you, playfully pushing you over with his butt so he could fit next to you and the arm rest. Why he couldn't just sit on the other side, you didn't know. As he took out the food and handed you your order, he asked you what you were watching. Trying to suppress the grin that was threatening to form on your face, you told him the name of the show and then began eating your food.

The video cut to a couple minutes later. You had finished eating your food fairly quickly and Kun had only a few bites left to his. Now was a good time to change the direction of your conversation. " Aw, it must be so fun to have a house full of kids like that." You shifted in your seat and turned to face him, doing a little bounce on the cushion to add some enthusiasm to your facade. “Hey, babe?"

"Hm?" he answered you with a mouth full of food.

"How many kids do you want to have?"

He turned away from the TV to face you and smiled as he finished chewing. "This show giving you baby fever?"

You smiled back at him, but yours was underlined with mischief. "Maaaaybe," you said and a laughing emoji popped onto the screen.

"How many kids do you want?" he asked you instead.

"I asked you first."

Kun chuckled. "Maybe about three or four. I like the idea of having a big family."

You looked genuinely surprised. "Yes! Me, too," you said happily wrapping yourself around his arm. "It's going to be so great. Just think of all the cute family photos."

"And the college tuition."

You rolled your eyes at him, but then pressed your chest more onto his arm. "Let's start now."

"Eh?" He looked at you a bit confused.

"Let's start our family now," you said and rubbed your hand across his chest. "Put a baby in me, Kun." You couldn't help but smile after that and three crying laughing emojis appeared on the screen. It sounded so raunchy but you needed to say it for the effect it had on your boyfriend--who of which was looking at you like you had just grown a second head.

"Woah, there. What's gotten into you?" His brain obviously went to the direction that you were on some new bedroom kink. And although it was sudden, he wasn't opposed to playing along.

"I want to have a baby." You let go of his arm and swung your leg over him so you could straddle his lap. His hands automatically went to hold your thighs and yours held onto his shoulders. "Will you help me?" you asked then leaned in to kiss him.

Not fully distracted by your sex appeal, Kun was still in a rational head space. "We don't even live together yet."

"Doesn't matter." You kissed him again, it was still short but more heated than the first.

"And we're not married," he added when you pulled back a bit.

"Doesn't matter," you repeated. Instead of kissing his lips again, you decided to go for the weak spot on his ear.

Kun's hands slid up and around your thighs to lay purchase on your ass. "And we're still in school. We're not financially or mentally ready."

You knew this wasn't going to be easy. You rolled your eyes again and let out a sigh as you moved away from his ear, pretending to be annoyed. "It takes months for a baby to arrive. I can move in with you and save all the money I would be paying on rent here. And we don't have to get married right away or even have a wedding."

The camera zoomed in on your boyfriend's face as it twisted into a look of absolute disbelief. "We don't have to have a wed--you have like five Pinterest boards dedicated to your future wedding!" Oh shit, you forgot about that. "And normally the baby comes after the wedding."

"Who cares if we do things a little out of order. I want to start my family with you now." You leaned to kiss him again but he dodged you at the last second by turning his head away. "Whaaat? Come ooon," you whined and moved your hips a little bit against his. "Come in." You threw your head back in laughter at your dirty joke, but Kun didn't find it very funny at the moment.

He gripped the sides of your hip and pushed you a little further back on his lap. "This is something we seriously need to sit down and talk about."

"We can talk about it after you put the baby in me. Now, come on!" You went to undo his belt but he stopped you at lightning speed, accompanied by the sound of a whip cracking. Right afterwards the video played an instant replay of what he did in slow motion.

"Y/N stop. You might think we can handle a baby right now, but this decision isn't just yours. It's mine too and I don't want to have a baby right now."

"But baaabe--"

"No, now get off me. We can talk about this seriously if you want to but it's not going to happen until much later from now." He grabbed your wrists as your hands tried to make their way to his chest again. "And I can't talk to you properly about it like this!"

"Because your body is telling you to go and make a baby!"

"No! It's just reacting to what you're doing right now! We can go and practice but we're not going all the way until we plan this out for real."

Okay. It was time to try a different tactic. You thought that maybe tugging on his heartstrings a little bit would be able to convince him, so you put on a frown and pretended to get upset. "We don't need to practice or plan because I'm completely serious right now. I've been thinking about this for a while and I can't wait anymore. I want to start a family with you. Do you not want to have one with me?"

Kun's eyes widened in panic. "No, no, no! It's not that!" He pulled you back closer to him then wrapped his arms around your waist. "I do. But just not right now, babe. There's so much we need to accomplish before we have a baby. If we do it now then it's going to be hard trying to juggle taking care of a baby and doing everything else."

"It won't be hard cuz we'll be together and our families will be around to help us." You gasped in excitement. "Just think how excited your mom will be." Kun was quiet as he thought it over, searching your eyes for any hint of reluctance. You knew talking about his mom would get to him. "Everyone will be so happy and we'll be the happiest." He remained silent. "You'd be an amazing father," you said softly and ran your fingers through his hair "Come on. Have a baby with me."

Your boyfriend sat there in silence for a little bit longer, his hands caressing your back as he thought through all his options. "But..," he finally said, "you're still on birth control. So it's not going to happen now even if we tried."

You smiled at him, thinking to yourself that you'd won. "I didn't take my pill today," you said and put your forehead against his. "And if it doesn't happen now then we will just have to keep trying until it works." You closed the distance between your lips and captured him in another kiss.

He reciprocated without any hesitation, but once you broke away he had something else to say. "I want to. I really do. But I really don't think this is a good idea for right now." Dammit, Kun!

It was time for Plan C. You pulled back away from him and scowled. "If you don't want to have a baby with me right now, then I'll go find someone else to do it," you said and got off his lap to stand up.

"WHAT?!" Kun shot up from his seat to stand next to you. "Who the hell are you going to go to?!"

You turned away from him so he would see you smiling. "I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'll take the first guy that wants to have a baby right now since you're so adamant about not having one."

"NOT HAVING ONE RIGHT NOW. NOT RIGHT NOW." Oh gosh, you wanted to laugh so badly.

You fixed your face into looking angry again and turned back to him. "It's now or never, Kun! I really really want this!"

"You want this bad enough that you'd leave me?" He sounded a bit hurt. You were starting to feel a little bad now.

"I didn't say I was leaving you, just that I would get someone else to put a baby in me."

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE." Lmao, it didn't.

"Yes, it does. So if you want to be the one to do this with me, then let's go!" You pointed in the direction of your bedroom and stomped your foot.

"Fine! If you want one that badly, then come here." He grabbed you by your shirt to pull you towards him then he kissed you roughly. You giggled against him and tried to pull away, but he wasn't letting up. He curled his fingers underneath the hem of your shirt and was about to put it up, but you managed to break away from him and took a step back.

"Wait!" you yelled through your laughter.

"You just said you didn't want to wait and now I can't wait," he said and reached out his hand to pull you back. But you ran away from him and went closer towards the camera. You reached inside the bag it was in, trying to uncover it, but Kun came up behind you and captured you by the waist, pressing his body against your backside as he planted kisses along the side of your neck.

"It's a prank!" you yelled. "This was a prank! Babe, look!"

Kun stopped his actions and looked up to see the camera out of your bag and the red light that indicated that it was currently filming. His face went slack and he slowly let go of you. You could tell he was absolutely ticked off, because he then closed his eyes and turned around while taking a deep breath. You stood beside him and continued to laugh at his expense, laughing harder when he shook his head and peered up at the ceiling in an attempt to calm himself down.

"I knew you were acting weird," he said and ran his tongue across his teeth.

"I'm sorry, baby. They really wanted to see you again." You tried to hug him but he rejected and push you away.

"You are not uploading this."

"I have to!" You went to hug him again and laughed when you got the same reaction as before. "I put so much work into it. Don't you think I was a good actor?" He answered you by looking at your face angrily, but he failed and looked away from you again as soon as his smile began to spread. He wasn't that mad at you. It probably would make an entertaining video. He was just super embarrassed that he fell for it.

"Come find me when you're done playing tricks," he told you and walked away and out of the frame.

"Aw, Kun! Come back!" He said something the camera's microphone didn't fully pick up, but it made you laugh before you decided to focus it on you. "Well, I hope you all liked this video. I have to go cheer up Kun and make it up to him. Follow me on all my accounts listed below, like this video, and click the subscribe button if you want to see more videos with my boyfriend. But maybe I should hold off on tricking him for a little bit, huh?" You switched the camera from holding it in one of your hands to the other. "Thanks so much for watching! And I'll see you later! Tootles!"

- D

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jubilantwriter · 4 years

Text

Heart Shaped like Sea Glass

(First) (Previous) (Next)

Part 5: Slow Sort of Burn

Summary: Quiet moments never sat too well with Jasper. Perhaps that’s why he finds himself discussing the art of cooking with the siren.

im gonna be spacing these out so that i don’t spam the tags lmao sorry about that last week. there should be a new one every friday or so! it’ll be incredible to see how long i can keep this up

// // // // //

The shack is quiet. It's been quiet since that day on the beach. The siren barely makes a sound as he shuffles about the shack, slowly gutting a fish with his talons.

Jasper remains where he's curled up on the bed. It's... odd. Normally the blonde is huffing and grousing about Jasper's refusal to get up. On better days, they even have a semblance of conversation.

But...

The siren stabs a stick through the fish and lays it to roast by the fire. He grabs another and starts his work on the second fish. And all the while, he remains silent.

He's been like this since the last time he's sung. Jasper remembers the vision clearly - David, smiling with arms held open for a hug, only to have the forest framing him from behind.

The same forest that killed and took David away from him.

It's strange, how comforting a siren's song can be. Jasper could reach out and grab David, save him from the forest and hold him close until the delusion ends. A dreamlike delusion that he wishes would never end. That's why he hopes the siren will sing again, just so he can hold David in his arms and pretend that everything is okay. That's why he hopes the siren will kill him before the delusion ends, before he's forced back into the reality where he failed his David.

A reality in which the siren that's supposed to be preparing him to be a meal is... preparing him a meal.

The warm breath against his neck that day was just a reminder of what could have been. He was more than ready for the siren to bite in and bring his miserable existence to an end.

But.

He didn't.

Instead, he pulled back and borrowed David's voice to suggest that they go inside.

Since then, the siren hasn't spoken much but a few words a day. And now, they remain in silence as the fire's crackles fill the air.

The silence is haunting. It reminds Jasper too much of empty cottages and pitying glances. He thought that maybe running to the ocean would fill his empty life up with constant noise. But no.

Here he is again.

The fire crackles, and Jasper's joints creak as he pushes himself up. The siren's wings shift a bit at the bed's creaks, but he doesn't turn to look at Jasper. Instead, he wraps his arms tight around his legs and stares deeply into the fire. Jasper settles down next to him and watches the fish roast.

The skin of the fish looks crispy as the siren reaches forward to pull it from the fire. He offers it wordlessly to Jasper as the other one cooks. Jasper takes the fish, his appetite nonexistent as he turns the stick between his fingers. Even without the feeling of eyes on him, he knows that the siren is waiting for him to take his first bite. Sort of like a reassurance, maybe, that Jasper is willing to ingest some food for the day. There are days when he can't bring himself to eat a sliver of food, and the siren doesn't leave until the next afternoon, only to return at night with some other creature he believes is edible. The blonde thought maybe roasted worms would do the trick, but all he did was burn the poor creatures. The smell of roasting worms however convinced Jasper to at least take a small bite of his food to calm the siren.

It's what he does now, taking a nibble of the roasted fish and wondering what kind it is. The siren used to tell him all sorts of names for the fish he takes back to Jasper. Now, he sits in silence and stares into the flames. Jasper sighs as he spins the fish between his fingers. He thinks he knows why the siren won't speak to him. It's how he refuses to look at Jasper, how his fingers twitch against his arms, how careful he is with his voice.

The quiet guilt reminds him of David, how the ginger would stare at his feet, shuffling nervously as he wrung his hands and bit his lip as he tried to find the right moment to say, "I'm sorry". Jasper takes a steadying breath.

The siren isn't David. No matter how much he resembles or reminds him of David.

And it's almost like instinct that Jasper knows what to say to get striking blue eyes to look at him.

"I'm not mad." Shock colors the siren's face as he looks to Jasper. "I'm really... not." And he's telling the truth. Because every time the siren sings, he gets one more moment with David.

One more chance to tell him sorry, to save him, to hold him in his arms.

For a handful of minutes, the siren lets Jasper live in a fantasy world where David is still here, still alive, and still so very vibrant. Like the trees he loved to dance under in the spring, or the grass they used to tumble over as children. Vibrant like the blooming flowers in the summer. Vibrant like the singing songbirds that lived in the forest.

Vibrant. Like red, silky hair and a smiling face dusted with freckles. Vibrant. Like the love they shared, turning every day into an endless summer of warmth and affection.

He takes a bite from his fish and notes the salty, wet taste. And he smiles.

"I'm not mad."

The siren studies him, a mix of emotions swirling in eyes not green, before uncertainty settles on his face.

"You... are a strange human."

"Yeah." Another bite. "I guess so."

"...You should be mad."

"I can't be." Jasper shakes his head, laughing hopelessly. "Your songs are the only way I can see Davey again and I- I guess I just have to take my chances."

The siren's eyes narrow. "Are you using me?"

"And aren't you?" Jasper gestures at his fish. "You're pretty much fattening me up. One of these days, you're gonna kill me for food. It's only fair that I take what I get."

"Which are my songs."

"Righto." It's only fair. If he has to die, he wants to do it in a fantasy where David holds him one last time. It doesn't matter anymore.

Nothing matters anymore.

"So what, this is... permission? To lure you out with my songs so that you can have your depraved little fantasy?"

"We already have a fucked situation, birdy." He gestures between them. "I'm your food. You help me see Davey. In the grand scheme of things, I think you still get to come out on top."

"Hmph." Despite his words, the siren looks oddly... irked. "That kind of talk will make you taste disgusting."

"...Excuse me?"

"What, you think feeding you fish is how I make your flesh taste better? Please." The siren rolls his eyes as he tugs a wing around him, talons running through his feathers carefully as he gets comfortable. "There's more reason to luring humans with temptatious bait than just easily catching humans. It's the emotions, the feelings that surge through you. The way that you are right now, you'd taste no better than the sand collected in clams."

"Wow." Jasper scoffs and tosses his fish at the blonde. The blonde snaps it out of the air and growls at Jasper, no doubt annoyed that Jasper would try and waste the food. "Tell me more about how nasty I'd taste, please. It really does wonders for my sense of self."

"Think of it like this-"

"I didn't actually mean it-"

"-take, for instance, this fish." He holds it up for Jasper to see. "It's fine by itself, but the black nasty bits here," he points to the burnt skin, "are awful to taste. Siren songs are like that fire," he points once more to the flames, "meant to add a little something more to the fish. But all it's doing to you now is turning bits of you black and distasteful." Nevertheless, the siren pulls the fish off and drops the entire thing into his maw, chomping down noisily before swallowing it quickly.

"Can't you just, remove the burnt bits?" Jasper watches as the siren takes out the remaining fish and shoves it into Jasper's hand. He holds it, but doesn't eat. "Then you wouldn't taste the bad parts."

"That's wasting food, and you know how I feel about that." The siren looks at the food and to Jasper, huffing when he doesn't take a bite. "And seeing how my songs are... turning you bad, I'd rather not sing anymore."

"Okay but, consider this." He takes a bite to appease the siren and keep his attention. "The fire also makes food good... if you're careful with it. Maybe, if you're more careful with your songs, it could help me rather than hurt me."

The siren blinks. Considers. And frowns.

"And how would that work?"

"...What if I asked?"

"...Asked?"

"Yeah." It's a long shot in the dark. But, but. He closes his eyes shut, and he can see David's face so, so clearly. "It wouldn't be sudden, or surprising. I'd expect it. It wouldn't be as bad." He opens his eyes and stares at the fire in front of them. "The flames won't be so bad if we both watch them."

"I..." The siren pauses, looking everywhere but at Jasper. "I'll.. think about it."

"Alright." It's not like he can force the siren. It wouldn't sit right with Jasper. But at least he gave it a shot. "Just... it's fine. To sing around me. Like that. If you want."

The fire crackles as they sit in silence. Jasper manages two more bites before giving up. The siren takes the fish and eats it slowly. Finally, with the stick clean, he gets up, wings slowly curling around him.

"Get some rest." The siren avoids looking at Jasper as he walks towards the door. "I'll be back in the morning."

"...Okay." The door closes with a bang, and Jasper is left alone in the shack.

The fire crackles as he sits in silence, and he hugs his knees to his chest.

Alone.

Again.

#camp camp #cc jasper #cc daniel #siren au #drabble #this is getting to be quite #the collection of drabbles #uhh if you guys want this on ao3 let me know #and now im gonna go and reformat the previous parts #to make them easier to navigate #do i have anything to say about this?#yeah i guess so #jasper is Not taking David's death very well #grief is Not treating him well #help him

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doyouever-daydream · 4 years

Text

Since we’re alone

A/N Hello lovely humans, this is my attempt to write what I wish would have happened in s13ep12, I’ve had this idea in my mind for a while and at the end it turned out to be more, uhm, cheesier? intense? Something like that, and I blame this song because I was in the middle of writing it when it came on my Spotify and boy, did it change the direction of this fic lmao. But seriously tho, I love the song and it’s beautiful and if any of you already know it, I love you too. Anywho, let me know what you think and enjoy! GIF is not mine.

This is another oneshot for my BAU does blind dates series for the blind date prompt for my @cmbingo card

Summary: When blind dates go wrong and the universe conspires Penelope and Luke end up spending their evening together, bonding over french fries and burgers.

Pairing: Penelope Garcia x Luke Alvez

Warnings: Language (Luke says fuck once lmao)

Word count: 2801

Masterlist

“Since we’re alone, show me all that you are and if you get lost in the light, it’s ok, I can see in the dark”

“Everything happens for a reason”

Penelope stood outside the restaurant repeating those words to herself and feeling different things at once: disappointment, annoyment, sadness and hunger. She never even got to have dinner. She took a deep breath and started walking towards Esther, thanking God she had decided to meet her date here and not having him to pick her up.

Despite what everyone might think, she had other friendships at work, not only the BAU, and one of those friends, Betty, had offered to set her up in a blind date. Penelope was unsure if she wanted to be set up but her friend insisted she could find someone good for her but oh, what a mistake that had been. The guy was not only super late but incredibly rude to her. She held back the tears, but with her blurry vision she bumped into someone.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying atten- “ She couldn’t finish her sentence when she saw who was standing in front of her.

“Penelope? Hi, uh, what are you doing here?” Luke asked surprised but glad to see her.

“Uh, I was supposed to have dinner, what are you doing here?” For a moment she forgot the date gone wrong and was having mixed feelings about Luke Alvez being there wearing a black sweater and looking extremely handsome.

“I had a blind date” He replied with a blank expression on his face.

“Funny coincidence so did I” She looked less excited than him and he wasn’t that much excited.

“Was it bad?” He asked with a sympathetic look.

“Bad is an understatement, he was almost an hour late for starters” Her voice was full with frustration, she reminded herself to keep calm or she would end up crying in front of Luke and that wasn’t what she needed right now “Then when he arrived, he made it clear I wasn’t what he expected, he criticized my outfit, I won’t go in to many details but he made me feel like crap, now here I am, having wasted my Friday night with a guy who was not worth not even a minute of my time” Penelope closed her eyes and sighed, feeling less frustrated now that she had said everything out loud, maybe Luke wasn’t the ideal person to vent, but she was glad he was there.

“What the fuck is wrong with him? You should’ve left before he even arrived, he kept you waiting” He felt angry at the man who had done that to Penelope, she was so sweet to everyone she, out of all the people, didn’t deserve that kind of treatment.

“I know, I sat there longer being alone than with him and I am so mad at myself for not leaving before he got here it’s just…” She suddenly stopped, Penelope didn’t want to vent her insecurities in front of him.

“Just what?” He placed a hand in her shoulder, while searching for her eyes. “You need someone to talk and I happen to be here, please, tell me”

“It’s just I don’t date much, I’m not like, well other people, who have dates every weekend, I don’t get asked out a lot and I foolishly set my expectations too high and this clown, he was awful, he made fun of the way I dressed and…” She couldn’t keep the tears inside anymore and they silently fell on her cheeks, the whole scene had Luke feeling like finding the asshole and telling him off, but also he wanted to reassure Penelope that she was beautiful and deserved the world.

Suddenly Luke’s mind went somewhere he had been trying to avoid. Ever since he met Penelope, he knew she was special. As much as she tried to give him a hard time about being the new guy, she was really sweet. She cared so much for her friends, tried to see the silver lining in every situation and did anything she could to help others. Not to mention she was incredibly beautiful, more than once he had to force himself to stop staring at her, her eyes, her smile, her curves, her lips. Her lips were always a huge distraction for him whenever she was close, the times she presented a case, he focused on the casefiles rather than her.

But he was almost certain Penelope couldn’t see him in that way. She only saw him as a friend and he wanted to treasure that, it was the most he would have.

“Penelope, don’t pay attention to whatever he said about you, none of what he could have said is true, I’m sure” He wanted to lift her chin so she could see in his eyes he meant it.

“How could you know? You weren’t there” She tried to smirk, while dried her cheeks.

“It doesn’t matter, I just know, now, you said you left, did you have dinner?” Penelope looked at him with soft eyes and Luke just wanted to take her in his arms and wash away the sadness.

“No, but it’s ok, I have food in my apartment” Penelope held her bag and started to feel self conscious about being too sensitive in front of Luke.

“I’m not about to leave you like that, what would you like to have for dinner? We’re gonna get it” He stood in front of her with both of his hands in her shoulders.

“I honestly don’t know” She said in a small voice.

“Come on, there’s something you must want to eat right now” Luke was trying to cheer her up.

“I don’t know, you choose” Knowing Penelope was willing to spend some time with him made his smile grow bigger.

“French fries? I love french fries” Luke had already eaten but he was always willing to make space for french fries.

“Sounds good, yeah, comfort food to makeup for the awful date, I’m in” The mood was lighter between them now.

Penelope agreed to follow Luke so he could take her to the “best diner in town” according to him. When she got there, she was unsure if the feeling in her stomach was because she was hungry or she was about to spend one on one time with Luke Alvez and his brown eyes and killer smile.

“Here we are” He opened the door for her and guided her to his favorite booth, close the window and far from the people, not that there were many people but he wanted to have a nice conversation and didn’t want the fuzz to get in the way of it.

“There’s a burger I think you should try” Penelope cut him off.

“I’m vegetarian, Luke”

“I know, this is a vegan burger, I’ve tried it before, it’s really good” His expression made him look like an excited kid, she was unsure why he seemed to be that happy but she brushed it off.

“Ok, I’ll try it”

The waiter took their orders and he went off to tell her how he knew this place and why he liked it so much.

“You sound like a food blogger, Alvez, are you sure you’re not one?” She asked while taking a french frie into her mouth.

“No, I’m not, but I really love it here, besides it’s open 24 hours so sometimes after a case, this place saves me from starving to death” He took a sip of his soda.

“So dramatic, Luke, now tell me how was your date?” She was genuinely curious to listen about her friend’s night.

“Phil set us up, she’s really nice and beautiful but there wasn’t a spark, you know?” He stared at Penelope thinking how this felt more right than the date he just had.

“Maybe you should give it another try, have a second date” There it was again, her kind heart, Luke thought.

“I don’t think I’ll do it, I mean I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her and Phil but just that, nothing else” He spoke as if he was trying not to get into trouble.

“Ok, but don’t miss out on someone just because you’re afraid or something”

“What are you trying to say, Penelope?”

“It’s just, sometimes people prefer to run away before trying to see if there’s a future there, you know? You said she is really nice and beautiful, that sounds like a catch” He almost fell as if she was scolding him, which put a playful smirk on his face.

“Oh, come on, now I have to marry her just because of what I said?” He joked.

“No, listen what I’m saying, I say it out of experience, don’t give up on something that could be good just because you’re feel unsure at first”

“I’m not gonna argue with you, I’ll try to call her and see if she wants to go out some other day, alright?” He lied just so she would stop insisting.

“Alright, if you end up marrying her and having children, I want to be godmother” She winked.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, now let me show you how french fries should be eaten” Her eyebrows shot up in amusement at the sudden change of subject.

“What are you gonna do? You have a reputation that precedes you, you know?

Luke gasped feigning hurt. While he put barbecue sauce and caesar salad dressing on the side of the plate of fries they were sharing.

“That doesn’t look good” She admitted while scrunching her nose.

“Maybe, but it tastes really good, come on, try one” He put up the plate with one hand and with the other he took some fries dipped them in the mix and the ate them.

“Ok, just because you’ve been a great company tonight” She tried them and was pleasantly surprised it tasted good.

“See? I was right” He had a cocky smirk and Penelope rolled her eyes.

They ate the rest of their food in a comfortable silence, that was until Luke noticed Penelope was too deep in thought and the look on her eyes gave away she was still thinking about the earlier encounter she had.

“Watcha thinking about, chica?” He carefully watched her getting out of her thoughts.

“Should I be less… Uh, colorful? Wear less patterns?” She said in a serious voice.

“Not if you don’t want to” He replied with the same tone.

“I know I say I’m eternally young but does the way I dress or talk makes me look or sound, I don’t know, ridiculous?” She looked at him pleading honesty.

“No, no” He replied within a second she had finished speaking “Penelope, you are… I don’t even know how to describe it, you’re you, and that’s beautiful, you are beautiful and whoever doesn’t see that or tries to change the way you see yourself is an absolute moron, I cannot begin to explain how wrong they are” He licked his lips, knowing he was about to come out and say much more than he intended to.

“I am not lying when I say you are everything that is good in this world, and in my world, you are the light at the end of the tunnel, the color that brings my days to life, and I know I sound incredibly cheesy but it’s true, the whole reason why Phil set me up tonight was because I told him I had feelings for you and I needed to get over them because I know you won’t feel the same way, and seeing you beat yourself up over what some dickhead said is not ok with me, you are your own person, with your clothes and the way you talk and you’re million different glasses and your optimism, your way of loving people, your intelligence, I could go on and on if you wanted me to just so I can prove to you, how incredible you are, Penelope Garcia.”

Penelope was speechless and very touched by what Luke had said, never in a million years she would’ve thought he thought that much of her. He felt that way towards her.

Luke was also surprised that he had said all of that out loud, after trying to lock it in the back of his head for the past few months. He held her hand across the table and squeezed it.

“I-I-I don’t know what to- what…” Penelope was unable to speak coherent sentences. She wasn’t sure if she was dreaming, so she just stared at him wide eyed and open mouthed. Luke had a feeling that maybe he wasn’t going to be turned down so he continued pouring his heart out now that he had finally dared to do so.

“Ok, since you’re not going to talk just yet, would it be crazy of me to ask you for a chance? A chance to see if something can go from here? Please” He pleaded with his eyes, not letting go of her hand.

She swore he could feel her heart beating faster and faster, for the second time in her life, she felt it was going to come out of her chest.

“Luke, it’s me you’re talking about” He looked at her trying to make sense of her words “I can be me, with all my quirks and my-” He cut her off.

“Didn’t you listen to me? That’s what I want, you, all of you, if you feel the slightest willing to try, let’s do it, I’ll do everything I can to not break your heart” She was still at loss of words and Luke’s confidence was wearing off but he had one more thing to say “A friend told me I shouldn’t give up on something that could be good just because I’m afraid”

“I told you I said it out of experience and that’s because I’m good at running, running away from relationships and commitment”

“It’s ok, I like the chase” And with that he leaned over the table and kissed her. If any of them needed proof that there was electricity between them, that was it. The feeling that went down their spines when their lips touched could not be compared to anything they’ve ever felt before.

When they pulled apart, it was Penelope’s turn to squeeze his hand.

“Alright, let’s try it then” Her smile and her eyes made him almost feel dizzy.

A month later, Penelope and Luke were feeling more than happy with the way things were, it had been a month of getting to know each other even more over date nights whenever they weren’t on a case. The team was ecstatic learning.they were together, everyone had a feeling they were good for each other.

“Penelope!” Betty, her work friend, called out to her and Penelope regretted coming down at that time.

“Hey Betty” She tried to be nice, it wasn’t her fault that her friend was an asshole.

“How are you, little liar?” Betty said with furrowed eyebrows.

“What do you mean?” She was surprised at the accusation.

“You stood up my friend, that wasn’t very nice, Pen” Her friend’s face softened.

“I didn’t stood him up, he was an idiot, I’m sorry but he was” She felt bad saying that about Betty’s friend but it was true.

“How could you know that if you never showed up?” Betty’s confused look mirrored Penelope’s.

“I did show up and your friend Ben was not only late but rude to me”

“He told me you didn’t show up, that he waited almost an hour for you” Betty knew something wasn’t right, neither of them lied “Are you sure it was Ben? The Ben I sent you the picture of?” Penelope hadn’t seen any picture.

“What? I didn’t see a picture, you told me his name was Ben” Penelope unlocked her phone and there it was, below the text that read Remember his name is Ben, was a picture of a man that wasn’t the one she had the misfortune to meet.

“Oh, Penelope, who the hell did you have dinner then?” Betty was now laughing, unaware that the first date she had that night went terribly wrong.

In that moment Luke walked by and saw Penelope, she also looked at him and smiled.

“It doesn’t matter, say sorry to Ben for me, ok? I have to go” She never took her eyes off Luke while he looked curious as to what she was saying.

She approached him and her smile grew bigger.

“What is making you smile so big this morning, Penelope?” He asked with his own smile adorning his face.

“Everything happens for a reason, Luke, everything happens for a reason”

#cmbingo20 #cmbingo #garvez #garvez imagine #garvez fanfic #penelope garcia #luke alvez #penelope x luke #songfic #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds imagine #lizzie writes

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eldritchsurveys · 4 years

Text

1090.

Can you say you are fully happy right now? >> Some surveys have such standard and generic questions that I can’t rightly tell if I’ve already taken it. This is one of those, and because it’s so long I’m hoping to god I don’t get to the middle of it and be like “oh. I did this literally last week” lmao. Fingers crossed. I don’t know what “fully happy” means. I took my walk like I promised myself, and I made an offering and am now drinking it (it’s delicious, a dessert stout called Big Luscious), so I’m on track for how I wanted my day to go. And I’m not triggered or having any kind of episode, so I’m okay there. Which means I am currently stable, which is a great place to be (considering the alternatives).

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? >> It’s possible, I guess.

Is there someone who stopped talking to you for no reason? >> I mean, probably, at some point. Ghosting is a common thing these days, for some reason.

Did you ever get called horrible names like (whore, skank, bitch)? >> Sure.

Where did you sleep last night? >> In my bed.

Ever slow danced with anyone? >> Yes, outworld and Inworld. Inworld is obviously the best, though. ~

Ever cried in public? >> Yes. Privacy and solitude was a rarity and a luxury for most of my life, so I had no real choice.

Ever feel safe in someone’s arms? >> Inworld, yes. I don’t know what that’s like outworld.

What would you do if you were pregnant? >> Die.

Are you afraid of letting anyone in? >> So, I have disordered attachment, am a product of CEN and CSA, and have resultant CPTSD. You do the math. (*makes some kind of joke about how it’s probably gonna be algebra because of all the acronyms--*)

Do you like cuddling? >> I love it Inworld. It basically gets me through everything. I would basically remain glued to Can Calah at all times if I could (and on some bad days, I do). Outworld is a completely different story because of the things mentioned just above.

Ever cry in school? >> I’m sure I have.

Who is the last person to send you a message on facebook? >> Probably Casey, like a month and a half ago.

Do you look decent when you wake up? >> Why am I paying attention to how I look when I wake up? I’m in bed. Who the fuck am I performing for? -___-’

Have you ever been given roses? >> No.

Had a long distance relationship? >> Yes.

Does it bother you when people never answer their cell phones? >> Why would that bother me? I am also one of those people. Oh, I guess you mean, like... I call a person, they never answer... hah, as if I would ever call a person. This is totally outside my experience.

Do you care what happens in politics/your government? >> I mean... here’s the thing. I care in the sense that I’m not totally disconnected from the effects of politics on people like me. But the realm of politics, specifically, is so alien to me that I have no idea what to do about it except halfheartedly vote and hope for the best? I don’t know how much more I’m supposed to care. I hate the political system, period, I want nothing to do with it. People assume that anyone that feels that way must be privileged and unaffected by politics, but I guess their shortsightedness about how different people can experience and feel about things is not my problem.

Ever been called babe/baby? >> Sparrow says “babe”.

Have you ever witnessed someone else engaging in a sexual act (not necessarily sex)? >> Yes.

Where did you get drunk last? >> I don’t remember. I don’t get drunk anymore, I just like to drink a beverage and enjoy the taste and slight buzz. Like right now, it’ll probably take me the next hour or two to finish this stout, but that’s the way I like to drink. Slowly and comfortably.

What’s your relationship with the last person you texted? >> I’m married to her.

If someone went through your pictures, would they find a dirty one? >> Nope. The only time I ever took nudes was just for the fun of it, not to be sexual or anything. Just enjoying having a human body (god, I wish that were me now...). But that was a long time ago and none of those photos are available anywhere anymore.

Do you want to see anyone right now? >> No.

Have you ever fell asleep in someone’s arms? >> Inworld, yes. Outworld, no.

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night? >> About a half-hour after laying down, usually. Some nights a little longer, but then I just catch up on my reading.

How many pillows are on your bed >> Two.

When’s the last time you cried? >> Yesterday.

Is it cute when a guy buys you flowers? >> I mean, I’d require more context than that. If I’m friends with a guy and he’s like “I saw these flowers and thought of you!” that’d be adorable. I do love flowers, thanks for thinking of me! Also, I’ll probably use them as an offering, so double win. If some random guy sent me flowers, I’d be a bit disturbed and put-off.

Will things change in the next month? >> I mean, yes. That’s how it works.

How did you do on the last test you took? >> ---

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? >> I mean, yeah. Are you afraid to grow up? >> ---

Are you busy tomorrow? >> Probably not, unless something really unpredictable and abnormal happens. I might be plenty busy playing FFXIV, though, considering I can’t today because it’s patch day.

How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing? >> It’s an undershirt, idk how long I’ve had it.

Do you give out second chances way too easily? >> Er, I assume not? I’m not usually in this kind of situation.

Has anyone told you that you’re amazing? >> Yes.

How many black shirts do you own? >> Like 15. For reference, I own like 20 shirts total.

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? >> I don’t see why I wouldn’t be. A lot of weird and sudden shit would have to happen to change that.

How come you’re not going out with the person you like? >> ---

When you feel cold does eating warm food help you feel warm? >> I don’t know. I do feel warmer after eating, just in general, probably because of the blood moving around to start digestion.

Do you want to diet? >> No. No I fucking do not. Don’t even suggest that to me.

Are you unsure about your feelings for someone? >> I’m not unsure about my feelings for anyone. I know how I feel about people. It’s other people whose feelings are a complete mystery to me.

Who did you last hang out with? >> Sparrow, because we live together.

Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car? >> I mean, obviously the money, since I can’t drive and don’t want to...

What song are you currently listening to? >> None.

Are you happy with your relationship? >> It’s fine.

Who was the last person to smoke something other than a cigarette or weed in front of you? >> Other than a cigarette or weed?? So, like... crack???? I really couldn’t say. It’d be years ago.

Does anything on your body hurt? >> Not right now.

If the last person you kissed were calling you right now, would you answer? >> I would, because if she’s calling me, then it must be a real ass emergency. Or probably like an EMT using her phone to find an emergency contact. So yeah, I’d answer. One of the very rare times I’d answer my phone.

In the run of a week, how many times do you straighten your hair? >> ---

Are you mad at someone right now? >> Nope.

Last thing someone gave you? >> I don’t remember.

Who woke you up this morning? >> Just me, naturally.

Who is your favorite family member on your mom’s side? >> ---

What do you do in your spare time? >> All my time is "spare” time, by other people’s standards, so, uh...

Who was the last person you were under a blanket with? >> Just Can Calah. :B

Where is the last person you kissed? >> Inworld.

What was the last thing you ate? >> Veggie burger and chips, breakfast. I’ll probably grab some lunch and queue up a movie after this.

Which of your friends is the most likely to get pregnant right now? >> ---

Do you remember the meanest thing the last person you kissed ever said to you? >> I don’t think she’s said anything particularly vicious to me. Just... kind of thoughtless things, I guess, earlier on.

What does your last outgoing text say? >> It was a link to a TikTok of a cute dog.

Have you ever been called prince/ princess? >> No.

Waiting for something? >> No. Well, the Dinnerly box, which is gonna get here eventually and which I’ll have to go downstairs to retrieve and then unpack.

Have you kissed anyone when you’re single? >> Yes.

What are you doing this weekend? >> I imagine the same things we do every other weekend in these COVID times.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? >> I imagine so.

Have you ever kissed someone who was in a relationship? >> Yeah. Where is your biological father right now? >> ---

Where is the biggest scar on your body? >> Probably the one on my face. How late did you stay up last night? >> Not very. I think I went to sleep shortly after 11. Have you had your birthday this year yet? >> Yeah, in May. You had to kiss the last person you texted, would you? >> I mean, I have. What would you call your body type? >> I don’t want to call it anything. Are you a morning person? >> Yes. Have you ever been to Target? >> Yes, many times. Do you like iced coffee? >> It’s okay. When is the next time you’ll be at work? >> --- Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? >> Not that I can recall. Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? >> Probably not. I take that kind of shit super fucking hard. Ever made a prank phone call? >> No. Does your mom vacuum early in the morning, when you’re sleeping? >> --- Have you ever been in a car accident? >> No.

Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? >> Yes.

Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? >> Physically? I assume not. Have you ever had stitches? >> Yes. Name a time when you had to be strong. >> Like... all the time? I don’t really know how to answer this. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home? >> The first two, no, because my parents were not together. The third, yes. Have you ever lost someone close to death? if so, how many? >> Once. Have you ever had any volunteer jobs? >> No. Have you gone through a lot emotionally growing up? >> Obviously. Has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you? >> I really would not want anyone to do that. Anyone that can disrespect the rules of their current relationship so flagrantly is going to disrespect me next. Also, that’s a messed up thing to do to the third party, too. Do you want to see someone this very minute? >> Not especially. Unless it’s D. :)

Are you happy with the way things are going? >> Some things, sure. Are you a forgiving person? >> Sometimes, I guess. It’s not what I’d call a character trait of mine, though. Do you have to check in with your parents before you go someplace? >> --- Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? >> --- Describe how you feel about your life in the past month using one word: >> I cannot do that. Would you like to go back and change any part of your life? >> I mean, I don’t know. I am who I am, and that’s because of what I’ve experienced. I don’t know who I’d be otherwise, and I do like myself and I want to continue being myself, so... I have to take the bitter with the... less bitter. When will your next kiss be? >> I don’t know, whenever I want it to be. Last person you saw other than your family? >> --- Will tomorrow be better than today? >> I mean, today was pretty okay, so if tomorrow’s even better than today, boy howdy. Are you feeling guilty about anything right now? >> No. What’s going through your mind right now? >> I’m just taking this survey, dude. That’s all I’m thinking about. When’s the last time you had fast food? >> Day before Thanksgiving. Do you believe that there’s good in everybody? >> I mean, I guess, if we have to put it that way. I just think that people are largely alike, and that if I can see the “shadow self” in me and everyone that is capable of many of the evils of the world, then I don’t see why I can’t also see the “higher self” in me and everyone that is capable of the beautiful things that people do for and with each other. These divisions always make me twitch a little because I think making it a dichotomy misses the real point a bit, but I haven’t run into better words for this yet so I’m doing my best with what I’ve got. Is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single? >> ... When was the last time you saw someone attractive? >> I mean, I can see Can Calah or King Crimson whenever I want. :B What was the first thing you did when you woke up? >> Probably reached for my phone to see what time it was. Think back eight months ago, were you single? >> No. What do you carry with you at all times? >> Myself :) Are you okay with the life you live? >> I’m okay with a lot of it. Way more okay with the lives I’ve had to lead before.

Do you have a Tattoo? >> Yes. What other piercings would you get other than the ones you already have? >> I’m not sure. I haven’t really thought about it because I’ve been so focused on tattoos in recent times. I’d just rather have ink. Did your last kiss take place on a bed? >> Probably. Have you ever been to Disney World? >> No. If so, how many times have you been? >> --- Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you? >> Meh. Like, here’s the thing -- even if I don’t capitalise proper nouns or use dialect grammar as opposed to “proper” (don’t get me started on the connotations of that term) grammar, I can still be understood. And that’s the whole fucking point. I use the social standard for grammar and capitalisation when it’s necessary, and for some reason I’ve been taking surveys with the social standard of English for so long that it’s a habit by now, but I’m not obsessed with it. I love being able to code-switch and I love using vernacular and I love “Internet dialect/grammar” and all of that. Language in all its forms, unrestrained, is just so. fucking. cool. Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? >> Sure, I like the orderly origami-like process of wrapping. Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room? >> No, it’s in Sparrow’s (bigger) room. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? >> I enjoy big dinners and small dinners. I assume by “big” you mean “lots of food”, not... “big” as in “lots of people”, because that I do not enjoy. Is your vision good? >> Yes. Is your present hair color, natural? >> Yes. What was the last thing you ordered online? >> A crystal. Fuck, that reminds me, I gotta poke around on Etsy for some stocking stuffer type gifts. Have you ever worn color contacts? >> Yes, quite often back in the day. If you have a significant other, how long have you been together? >> Almost nine years or something, idk. I’m bad at time math. Where are your parents as of now? >> --- Do you follow a certain religion? >> No. Do you have any family members who live out of town? >> --- Do you consider yourself short? >> Not really. What room are you in? >> Mine. Do you listen to any country music? >> Sure. Do you ever watch Lifetime? >> No. I don’t have cable, but I wouldn’t watch Lifetime even if I did. Would ever consider having children in the future? >> Probably not. Have you ever lived on a farm? >> No. Do both of your parents have jobs? >> --- If you had the chance to move to a completely different state, would you? >> Yes. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? >> Clean my house. IDK, lol. What do you wish you had more knowledge about? >> Oh, stuff. What food are you craving right now? >> I’m not craving anything, even though it’s lunchtime. I have no idea what I want to eat. ...Hmm, egg, rice, and roasted veggies sounds really good but idk if I want to make eggs right now... How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? >> I never was told about him. I kind of vaguely knew he existed from just... cultural saturation, or whatever, but yeah. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? >> A lot. Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you’re sure they won’t tell? >> --- Would you ever get someone’s name tattooed on you? >> You know, every time I see this question I totally fucking forget that I already have a person’s name tattooed on me. My X-Files tattoo that matches with Sparrow’s says “scully, it’s me”. Scully is a name lmaoooo So, yeah, I guess the answer is yes.

Does your family have family picnics? >> --- If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you say? >> “That’s not a funny joke, so please stop”, I mean, what else would I say? That’s literally impossible so the doctor must be trying to pull a funny. A really fucking bad one, too.

#surveys #survey #random survey #not for reblogging *glare*

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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Does anyone know your bank pin number other than you? Who? My mom does.

Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed? Yeah.

Would you be able to climb out your bedroom window to sneak out? No. That would be very difficult for me to do no matter what, but to add to that my dresser and TV are in front of my window.

What would you do if you found out the last person you called was pregnant/got someone pregnant? My mom can’t get or get someone else pregnant.

Can you taste the difference between brand name food and store brand food? With certain foods, yes.

Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? I don’t have to buy any of those things, but I just know I would. I’m weird about that kind of stuff for some reason. If a stranger went in your bedroom, would they be able to tell what gender you are from just looking at it? I’m sure they’d guess I was a female.

Are your parents gullible? No, I wouldn’t say that.

Do you still own a VCR? Nope. We still have our Disney VHS tapes, though.

About how much money have you spent on food in the past two weeks? The only thing I bought recently was Wingstop, which was only like $12 bucks. If you were in a car accident would the last person you kissed care? He’s not heartless, but I mean he wouldn’t rush to the hospital or anything. I doubt he’d even reach out. He probably wouldn’t even know, honestly. We haven’t talked in years.

If you were looking for a new pair of shoes where would you go? I’d go to Adidas.com

How much was the last pair of shoes you bought? I actually haven’t bought a pair of shoes myself in several years. My parents have gotten my shoes for birthdays and Christmases. Sometimes just cause. My dad is a total shoe guy himself and gets excited about buying them for my brother and I, too.

What color is the computer/laptop you’re on? Did you buy it yourself? It’s gray and I have a rose gold case on it. No, my dad bought it for me a few years ago.

Do you have a second home? No.

Would you be surprised if you saw the last person you texted smoking? That would come as a total shock. My can’t stand even being near someone smoking, so yeah. I’d be very concerned if she just picked up smoking all of a sudden.

Does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you? The smell of cigarettes does. It actually really messes with me. I get a bad headache, feel lightheaded, and my heart rate goes up.

Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? A year younger.

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you? Probably.

Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? Yeah, many, many times. I was also a Girl Scout myself.

Do you like waffles? Yes.

Do you watch birthing videos on a day-to-day basis? I never watch birthing videos. Ew.

Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive? I don’t mind a few, but they’re not really my thijng.

Would you talk to someone you don’t know on the internet? I’ve talked to many people online. I’ve had an internet presence since like 1999.

How often do you drink Monster? I haven’t had a Monster in like 10 years. The only energy drink I drink are Starbucks Doubleshots. I’m obsessed with the white chocolate one.

Have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? Yeah, a few. One of my friends and I actually had a YouTube channel lmao. We only uploaded a few videos, though. One of which was our reaction to 2 Girls 1 Cup lmao. Those videos will never see the light day again.

Do you like to buy those Warped Tour compilations? I’ve never bought one.

Do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? I don’t like booths, but whenever I sit at one I just stay in my chair.

Do you own a nightgown? Nope.

Have you ever made a house out of a giant cardboard box? I don’t think so.

Have you ever made a tent out of sheets in your bedroom? Yeah. My cousins and I made forts all the time when we were kids.

Do your grandparents know how to operate a cell phone? Yeah, they each have one.

Have you ever had sex or something like it? “or something like it” lol that sounds weird. Anyway, no.

Have you ever read a George Orwell book? Nope.

Have you ever worn fishnets? Yeah.

How many piercings and tattoos do you have? Just my earlobes. No tattoos.

Is someone in your family affected by Asperger’s? Not in my immediate family. I’m not sure about my extended.

In a hotel do you always nose through all the drawers and cupboards? Nah.

Would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? Uh, wow.

Do you always wear your seat belt? Always. Ya’ll better wear yours, too.

Have you ever liked someone much older than you? Just celebrities.

Have you ever been in a play? Actually, I was in one in like the 3rd grade.

Do you have any secrets that nobody knows about? Yeah.

Is there ice cream in your freezer? I think so.

Have you ever started to laugh but played it off as a cough successfully? Haha yeah.

Have you ever liked the lyrics of a band but hated the music? Yes.

Does your bathroom have a window? Nope.

Do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? Nope. I only went to get my eyebrows done once, and that was when I was like 13.

When you were younger did you read the A Series Of Unfortunate Events books? Yes.

Who was the last band you saw live? Green Day.

Do you believe prayer really works? I absolutely do. That doesn’t mean it’ll happen right away or when you want it, how you want it, or even at all. But it definitely could. It might be awhile or it might happen in a way you didn’t expect.

Are you a fan of the band Gym Class Heroes? I liked a couple of their songs.

Frosted flakes or frosted mini wheats? Both are good, but Frosted Flakes are better. They’re dare I say, grrrrrrreat.

Have you been on a date in the park? Nope.

Ever dated someone you were best friends with first? Yeah, that’s how it happened both times.

Are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? Yes.

Do you have asthma? No. Are tongue piercings slutty? No. It’s a piercing.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? Alexander Skarsgard.

Last person to take off your pants, besides you? Just me. Do you remember those cool highlighters that smelled like popcorn? No? I recall scented markers, but not a popcorn smelling highlighter.

Might you enjoy hanging out in the woods for day or two? No.

Have you ever written something on a bathroom stall? Nope.

Least favorite alcoholic drink? All of them. I don’t drink.

Have you ever kissed someone named Paul or Luke? Nope.

How did you meet the last male you texted? He’s my dad.

Have you ever had an embarrassing email address? Nah. I like the old email addresses I had from childhood and teen years. Especially the ones during my emo days, ha. Lots of X’s.

Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? Right. Do you have a bull ring through your nose? No.

Do you and your dad get along? Yeah. We’re not as close as my mom and I, but it’s not that we don’t get along. It’s just different.

Can you see your purse right now? Yeah.

Are you wearing any perfume? What kind? No.

Are there products in your hair? No.

When you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy? I have, but nah not usually.

Do you actually like sneezing? Uh, no. I like when it happens so the feeling of having to sneeze goes away, but not the actual sneezing itself.

Have you taken a shower yet today? Not yet.

Do you have one best friend who is always there for you? I have my family. Do you wear skirts a lot? No. I haven’t worn a skirt in years.

Do you wear sweatpants a lot? No, but I live in leggings.

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? I think I have 3 or 4 now. I got rid of a few pairs recently. I haven’t worn jeans in like 3 years, so.

Do you like hoodies? I love hoodies.

Big ones or the form fitting kind? I like oversized ones.

Do you wear polo shirts a lot? I don’t wear polo shirts ever.

Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? Yes.

Are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets? Ha, nopeee. I have a lot of regrets.

Do you love your computer? Yes.

Do you drink coffee? Coffee courses through my veins.

Do you basically like all of your clothes? Yes, that’s why I have them. I recently went through my clothes and got rid of a lot of stuff that I just wasn’t wearing anymore. I still liked them, but I wasn’t wearing them and they were just taking up room. I was finally able to get the mountain of clothes I was storing on my bed for a long time into my dresser.

Do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself? I do my shopping online. I used to go grocery shopping with my mom before the quarantine/lockdown, but we’ve been doing that online as well now and she just goes to pick it up.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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