#i can forgive that but that doesn't mean i don't wish the season had given a little more y'know? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mr-ghost-face · 7 months

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ok wow people care about my jamie tartt lyric symbolism in kyoto by phoebe bridgers way more than i thought so buckle up buttercups

"i dont forgive you, but please dont hold me too it"

jamie is angry at his dad, he's resentful, we know this from the scene with his mother's boots, "i actually fucking hated that", he's past the point of realisation that his dad is a prick. but he is still far from the point of being stable enough to do somehting about that. he gets sent back to man city and suddenly his father is back in his life, his father who tries to make jamie feel bad for who is is, who he is becoming, what he is doing, what he isn't doing. in the end, jamie is always the one who feels bad for trying to distance himself from his father. he really can't be held to his anger because he is always being manipulated into guilt.

we see it in the finally shot of him and his dad. his is expected to forgive and forget by others, be the bigger person, be the good son. he is pushed into this role by people like ted who don't understand the severity of his situation (even we the audience only know snippets and assumptions, verbal abuse, very likely physical abuse, sexual abuse with amsterdam). in the end, jamie doesn't want to forgive, he wants to craddle his anger and keep his safety, but he is never allowed to do this by others.

"to tell me you're getting sober and you wrote me a letter, but I don't have to read it"

i think this is part of that guilt that jamie has about trying to distance from his father, because as of the final season he is seemingly sobering up and by social standards imporving. but jamie, who grew up with this angery and drunken man, knows that everthing doesn't stop when the glasses are only filled with water. it is important to note that james tartt snr is an angry and drunk man, he is not an angry drunk, his abuse is not the direct result of his alcoholism, though that might worsen it in the moment. right now, his father is playing the role of 'superdad' in everyone else's eyes, he's trying to improve. once again jamie is left in a state of guilt and assumption that he must forgive his father. he shouldn't have to, he should be allowed to distance himself, but in a culture ruled by forgiveness he is stuck.

jamie doesn't have to read the letter, he doesn't have to pick up the payphone, he doesn't have to visit his father. but with the advice everyone has given him about forgiveness, what choice does he really have. a person who has never had stable male role models in his life will not suddenly ignore what is being said by the role models he now has.

"i'm going to kill you, if you don't beat me to it"

this is essentially jamie's inner dialouge. or rather, what he wishes he could say. he knows he wouldn't ever be able to say it so his face. he also knows that eventually his father will die, either of alcoholism or not, and either with jamie still wrapped arond his finger or free. he knows which he'd rather, but he also knows which is more likely.

this lyric also screams roy on jamie's behalf. after wembely and amsterdam, roy probably has one of the clearest understandings of what james tartt snr is like, and he also (begrudgingly) cares about jamie. roy can be an anger man, but not like jamie's dad is. roy gets mad and he wants to protect jamie, he wants to take away everthing his father had ever said to him. he wants to climb out of jamie's childhood poster and fix it all. he can't though. roy gets mad and promises violence. he promises violence in the name of protection. and jamie deserves that.

"25 felt like flying"

jamie is a young hot fit footballer, he's ontop of his game, one of the leaugues tops scorers. he is 25 and he is flying. but within the song this also means 25mph, a slow speed, felt like flying. with his father even the slow and safe suddenly feels dangerous. 25mph is dangerous. jamie's life is dangerous with his father around.

guess i lied, i'm a liar

the stress of being a victim who physically can fight back. jamie is physically stronger than his dad, escpeccialy drunk, but that doesn't matter. so sometimes jamie sees himself as a liar, letting it all happen to him. this is obviously not true, but, it's what jamie believes.

but he also knows he's a lair about forgiveness. he wants to forgive because that is what others want him to do, but deepdown its not what he wants. he just wants freedom and safety. two things his father has denied him. so yeah, jamie lies about wanting forgiveness. and he wishes someone would see through him and realise what he really needs is distance while he still has the urge to run.

thank you to @antitheticallyargumentative @jamietarttdodododododo and @fanficfanattic for hyping me up to write this because it was good to get out into the world

#jamie tartt #ted lasso #roy kent #tw abuse #jamie tartt as quotes #jamie as quotes #jamie tartt as songs #kyoto #phoebe bridgers #sobbing anyway

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thegeminisage · 5 months

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readers i am so thrilled to report that tng this evening absolutely ATE. i thought tng was bad but as it turns out tng is good sometimes??? we did "a matter of honor" and "the measure of a man" which are proof of fucking concept: tng CAN BE GOOD!!!

a matter of honor: this is the first time i've been really, really fond of riker. his go-with-the-flow attitude is fantastic. yeah i'll wear the slut costume on the woman planet. sure i'll eat these worms to please the klingons. absolutely i will fuck two of their women at once. good for him. i get it now. I GET IT NOW. he is not only down to fuck is is down to do any and everything. when it rome. so true, buddy. he would've eaten those worms in the conspiracy episode fr

i was just noting how pleased i was that wesley only basically had secondary lines this season ("aye sir" and the like) when they called him to the transport room, but luckily it was just to be racist to that one guy...like, it was stupid, but obviously they were just explaining why they were re-using the prosthetic which turned it around into being funny

picard turning his nose up at the klingon food. WHAT A LIMP NOODLE OF A MAN. IF RIKER CAN EAT IT YOU CAN EAT IT. kirk would've eaten it. don't worry i'm only ragging on picard for this episode he's gonna get his time

whatever worf and riker had going on in this episode was gay. ok gayboys!

riker on the klingon ship...chefs kiss...he was so good. effortlessly parrying the challenge to his authority. conniving to become captain. the word phrase "who's your daddy now" may have been uttered by one or both parties during these scenes, among incredulous laughter. i can't believe he had it in him.

oh and HOW can we forget the klingon women. i actually forgive them for not only the threesome joke but also the breastfeeding joke because they were: fucking hilarious, actually, and felt more like they were punching down at riker instead of women. also i now 100% believe he is prepared to fuck his way through any given spaceship at any time and GOOD for him.

the measure of a man: FINALLY SOME GOOD FUCKING FOOD

still flying high on the endorphins of riker doing All Of That we got to view the poker game, which is apparently the first of many. it was wonderful. i loved data's little visor

episode started to drag when picard's lawyer ex turned up (toscore) bc i dont (didnt?) care about him or his love life, but when maddox showed up i was on high fucking alert bc i knew the name but couldnt remember why

LISTENNN every time he called data an it i gasped. i did call him a bitch several times in a row sorry to catherine. i knew obviously that data was going to be fine but i went on this ENTIRE journey

where do i even start. data resigning rather than submitting to the procedure, his goodbye party, his goodbye to geordi specifically AND THEY SHOULD HAVE HUGGED, augh augh augh

i think it was dumb to make will be the prosecuter if he wasn't going to more actively convey his regret to the audience. all of his goodwill from the klingon ship episode was used up sooo quickly especially when he used data's off button. data doesn't like that!!!!!

i did LOVE however the conversation picard had with guinan...which is bonkers bc apparently it was a last minute addition. but her like oh yeah they're gonna make more datas. entire generations of disposable people and his lightbulb going on OH YOU MEAN SLAVERY and she's like no thats a little harsh and hes like ACTUALLY NO IT ISN'T. it was so good. for the first time tng excelled at something that tos doesn't - like it wasn't too on the nose or pointed the way grand speeches in tos were. it was JUST subtle enough and coming from a black woman who is on tng because of the black woman in tos legitimized it in a way that it couldn't have been as much if, say, picard had come to it on his own. david cage WISHES

PICARD'S EXAMINATION OF MADDOX AND SPEECH IN THE COURTROOM. DID YOU GUYS KNOW HE COULD ACT? hey. did anyone know patrick stewart can act??? he was so fucking pissed off this whole episode and it was kind of nice but like did you guys KNOW he could ACT. when he got in maddox's fucking face about it. GO the fuck OFF i have been waiting and WAITING for him to do this

i loved data's packing things coming back, esp his hologram of tasha yar...she literally took his virginity lol i miss you queen

"does data have a soul? i don't know. i don't know that i have" I LOVE WHEN STAR TREK IS ATHEIST

data forgiving maddox in a sense at the end and maddox switching to calling him he...EYE certainly don't forgive maddox but his shock was so good. realizing something you thought was an inanimate object was like, alive.

also i really like that he forgave riker...i was so relieved they had a scene at the end together and so moved that data could find compassion for him after everything he did that EYE forgave riker...data is genuinely the most loving soul wtf i'd fucking die for him. anyway that made me well up a little bit. what a great episode 10/10 this is gonna be my first "must see" i think

ok! next i do "the dauphin" on my own and then tomorrow we do "the contagion" together

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb #literally an alternate dimension where tng is good..........

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nellie-elizabeth · 8 months

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What We Do in the Shadows: A Weekend at Morrigan Manor/Exit Interview (5x09/10)

Oh boy. Lots to discuss.

Cons:

The biggest con I have here is... well, if Guillermo was going to be made back into a human at the end of the season, I wish we'd gotten to see more of vampire Guillermo. I actually don't mind narratively this turn where he goes back to being human, but why couldn't we see a whole season of him getting to be a bat and go flying and do all the other vampire things, in full-swing? That way the fact that he's not ready would hit a little harder: he can't bring himself to drink human blood, which is the only way he can continue to be a vampire, even though he's experienced all the perks. I just think that would have been a more fun way to play it. Instead, we spent a whole season waiting and waiting to finally actually see vampire Guillermo, and we... never fully got that at all. He did look good with those fangs, though.

Pros:

The Morrigan Manor stuff was so charming and fresh and different. I truly had no idea where this episode was going to go, from the invitation, to the amazing fencing choreography with Lazlo and his large group of combatants... I even thought the Guide's role in the story added something fun.

All season I've been complaining that they haven't done enough with the whole vibe of her being an outsider, but in this episode, when she finally takes matters into her own hands, I did feel the weight of her relative insignificance all season, finally coming to bear. I realized pretty soon she had to be behind all the disappearances, but it was still fun to see it play out. And I like how she acts as a contrast to Guillermo, who now feels included in the group in various ways. One good moment is at the beginning, when the recording says "six of you" and they're confused about the number six, because they were forgetting to count the Guide. Which means they think of their family as being five people, and that includes Guillermo. So sweet!

And the moment of truth... everyone else trying to distract Nandor form realizing the big secret... Nadja: "I like this cage." That was so funny. The reason that a ridiculous show like this works is that when they want to play up something other than the laughs, they don't shy away from that. All season we've been told that once Nandor learned the truth about Guillermo, he'd kill him and then himself. And then he finds out, conveniently locked in a silver cage, and what does he say? That he's going to kill Guillermo. It's not funny, his rage is played 100% earnestly.

It's also cut up really humorously with Nandor instantly figuring out why Guillermo is only a half-baked vampire. His slayer blood from his Van Helsing family is interfering with his transformation. Everybody else is just like "ohhhhh" but I think this is such a great detail to include, that Nandor actually pays attention and knows enough about Guillermo, has given all of this enough thought, that he instantly knows what's going on.

Lazlo remembering the right tape to play to get the Guide to forgive them was also really funny. I knew instantly there would be a punchline where they undercut their kindness towards her right after Lazlo has the tape cut off, and I like that the Guide doesn't see the mid-credit bit like we do, where it turns out they're trying to get Colin to fall in love with the Guide so they become a couple and move out and leave the rest of them alone. Lazlo continues to get my season MVP award, for being clever enough to manipulate the Guide!

The second episode is full of so much great Guillermo goodness, I don't even know where to start. I think the big thesis of this season is that Guillermo is family with the other vampires in the house. He already achieved that closeness, and in fact it was sort of in spite of becoming a vampire, not because of it. We see it in the way that Nadja, Colin, and Lazlo all sneak off to say goodbye to Guillermo, as they believe he'll be dead soon at the hands of Nandor. The episode with the Guide reminded us that these vampires are never necessarily going to be open about their feelings; they'll care about each other on their own terms, and it doesn't mean they don't treasure those relationships. Guillermo has learned that now, and that being a vampire, something he still greatly wants, isn't the only way to connect with his chosen family.

I love that Nandor just straight-up murders Patton Oswalt, like, he's dead within the What We Do in the Shadows universe now and it's so fucking funny. Especially the fact that he gives good advice, Nandor kills him in punishment, and then is like "he has a good point, though..."

And again with this show knowing when to play something dead sincere, I love how Nandor's grief and anger is over-exaggerated but one hundred percent earnest, too. He says that he can't imagine anything more painful than having to kill his friend. And then he makes a promise to Guillermo, holding a stake to his own throat, in his original language of Persian, that he will spare his life. It was... well, it was charged, to say the least.

Also played entirely sincere was Guillermo's grief and discomfort over the thought of killing people. It's rendered comedic by the fact that he's killed so many vampires, and lured so many innocent humans to their deaths, but it makes sense that the actual drinking of innocent human blood would feel different to him. Nandor knows him well enough to understand that this isn't what Guillermo really wants.

There's something so narratively satisfying and also funny about Nandor being the one in the dark all season, having no idea what's going on, and then once he's in the know, he has sole custody of the only damn brain cell in the whole group. He figures out how to forgive Guillermo, he figures out what his friend really needs, and even guides him into discovering that for himself.

Even Derek gets a happy ending, hopefully to make friends with his new zombie brethren, where he might fit in the way he never did among vampires!

I've seen a lot of people online disappointed with this finale, calling it an anti-climax and a letdown that Guillermo and Nandor didn't kiss on the mouth or whatever. On some level I do understand that disappointment, in the sense that I wish we'd gotten to have more fun shenanigans with vampire!Guillermo while we had him, instead of this half-assed version of it all season. But at the same time, that's the nature of this kind of comedy show. If you divert from the status quo, the show kind of... ends. And we've seen such huge development this year for Guillermo, in the way he is now given the kind of respect from his chosen family that he's long pined for.

And that's that for season five! I really deeply love this show, all the crazy shenanigans of this bizarre cast of characters. I'm ready for season six whenever they have it prepared for us!

9/10

#review #wwdits #wwdits review #what we do in the shadows #what we do in the shadows review

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celestialgreen · 1 year

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A Winter Wonderland

-Chapter one: Goodmorning-

-Summary: This is a fanfic I wrote on Ao3 btw! My user there is VicktorGreen0330. Once Neil doges death ever so slightly, but lands in a coma, Todd can only but blame the incident on himself. Meeks and the others have different plans though. They barge in and tell him of Neil ready to wake up! Now Todd just has to figure out what to do with that information. Love will bloom in this season of a newfound fresh start, what will Neil do with it? Follow the path of his fathers or create his own?

Todd sits at his desk in disconsolateness, wallowing in self pity but the thought that he could've tried to stop Neils attempt. Now he knows he truly couldn't have, but this is the Todd we know, also somehow putting the blame on himself.

He reasons with himself in a time of sorrow that if he had only stood up to Neil's father, he might have prevented this.

No, Neil had not died. Yet he had been so close to. Just before he could pull the trigger, his father rushed into the office, offsetting the young man's aim, in which it skims the brain. Still, Neil lays in a hospital, in a bed, sleeping. And Todd sits at his desk, praying that he will wake. He begs himself, god, anyone for forgiveness for an act not taken. The hours sat in his room became days, weeks, but sitting and pondering his own existence.

Though staying on task and finishing his homework, he tells himself it is to put his mind off the wrongdoings of his ‘actions’, though he knows he only wished he could have done more than save Neil.

Ever since he met Neil, he just knew. Knew he was the one he would have spent the rest of his life with if he could. He could never tell Neil, oh of course he couldn't. If he did Neil would laugh, or even worse, give him such a look. A look of disgust, and regret.

The look he’s seen on a boy before, on a cold winter day. He had confessed his feelings, not knowing he had done any wrong. But of course, the only thing the boy sees in him is a no good heathen as he pushes Anderson to the ground and runs to prattle on such an incident.

But leaving the boy to cry in the snow till the night falls, to run home and never think of speaking up for what he truly feels ever again. Whenever he does, people don't listen. They always choose to defy and fight back. Todd never had a voice that screamed righteous, he just could never find the right words. But the thought of doing, writing anything for Neil just makes it easier. At first he thought it was Keery that made this miracle possible, but he pondered till he founch Neil had given him a voice.

He was a truly inspirational boy, and he would have found more words to dear him with if Charlie had not burst into the room.

“Allright Anderson, this is enough. You can’t just sit in this room until you die.” he sighs as he closes the doors and inches closer to todd. “I mean great, you stood for the Cap once after the… incident, but you have to do more. I'm sure Neil will wake up soon, and I want you to be there, he would want you to be there-” Todd cuts him off with a cry, “But what if he doesn't, Dalton! What if he lays in that bed forever and it's all my fault…”

Before he could continue, Meek burst through the door, revealing all the other boys from the club.

“How could you ever think that, of course it's not your fault! You couldn't have done anything to stop Neil from doing what he had done.” “but if I had only stood up to his father before he left-” Todd tries to continue but, “you couldn't have… none of us could. Todd it's really alright we couldn't have known any of this would happen.” Pitts continues with, “Just visit the hospital, the doctors say-”

Knox yells over him, “He might wake up!”

Todd then sits there in shock, a tear forming and rolling down his cheek. He chokes up and mummers, “this better not be a joke.” Cam chuckles and remarks, “i can assure you it's not.” Todd then straightens his back and asks as many questions as he possibly could, “Wait which hospital is he at again, when did they say he would wake up, is he ok?!”

Charlie chuckles and says, “oh no worries, he’s waking up soon, and as the great Nuwanda I am, I packed everyone's bags for the journey!”

Meek backs away in a joking manner, “Oh that's ever so scarily kind of you to do Dalton” And as everybody starts to leave the room and grabs their bags, Charlie shouts, “It's Nuwanda!”

Now this leaves Todd to sit in rather high hopes.this is the best he’s felt in a while, i mean, Neil is waking up! But wait, what will he say, will Neil really want to see him there? What if he blames him for his attempt, oh everythings just going to go downhill-

“Hey!” Knox shouts from his doorframe, and Anderson shoots his head to the side. “Don’t overthink it, everything's going to be alright. To that Todd gives a slight nod and stands up to leave.

Later…

All the boys are at the front step of the hospital, and Todd just stands at the step, unsure whether to enter or not…

#dead poets society #anderperry #neil perry #steven meeks #charlie dalton #gerard pitts #john keating #knox overstreet #Mlm

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sunflower-butch · 1 year

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Пчелка, if i can forgive you for a little late response then you'll have to forgive me for completely forgetting this blog exist. (I feel like me joking about being a dumb of ass has never been truer)

Here's where you're wrong though because chocolate that is just a little bit bitter is the best. (opinions on pickles?)

it is pretty old! I got it from my favourite little book store. I have a bit of a thing for buying old books and they have such a good selection (second hand book stores wooo!) I have to keep myself from coming home with the whole store!

aye me too! same with Legally Blonde and Scream being on the list. I think i'm gonna watch scream soon with it being spooky season, I might even use it for my Ronancetober prompt (which means i'd be watching it in like 1-2 days so i'll probably stick to my original plan)

do you have a favourite horror movie? or just movie in genera?

You're always welcome to send me more songs for me to put the random ass colour/place association my brain gives me into words. I do gotta share one song i've been obsessed with for the last couple days or else i'll explode. Two Weeks by Grizzly Bear which sounds like a very clean but not empty (which probably makes no sense but bare with me i'll give picture reference) anyway it's a mix between a clean but not empty black, white, and gray. and even though it's not a Christmas song it reminds me of one, thus the immediate memories of me, all my siblings driving around at night looking at the crazy Christmas light decorations, it was always so peaceful and very pretty I wish I could just like... take the memory out of my head show you Giver style. Disclaimer: the only photo I took out of all of the one's i'm about to show you is the sunbeam one.

MAY I PRESENT TO YOU! CLEAN BUT FULL COLOURS

is that last one the floor is Costco? Possibly.

goat milk ice cream sounds so good? Even though i'm lactose intolerant i'd risk it all for ice cream.

I laughed a little when you said you only get a little snow because winter last from November until March which I don't really mind until March since I was Not Built For The Sun, it only get annoying in March then i'm over all the snow that's still sitting around.

wait dude congradulations (or however you spell it) on doing something about your crush very cool of you! like a week ago I seen a cute girl, tripped in front of her then hid in the bathroom for 15 mins. nothing weird or awkward friendly flirting only *thumbs up emoji except i've already mentioned my computer is old as fuck and doesn't work properly so no emoji's for me unless i'm using mobile* I love talking to you too! you can be my weird american internet friend. Not to sure about the dm thing maybe eventually (not that I don't comfortable i'm just hella shy and scared of rejection (though I don't even know how'd since you're the one always replying lol)

i'm feeling a lot better even enough to actually bake cookies!

cookie pictures as a thank you for being so nice when I was sick <333

your weird Canadian friend who's totally not freaking out about Alvvay's new album being released tomorrow

-el

HELLO

Let me start off with I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY FOR NEVER ANSWERING

I had every intention of doing so and then October put me through the RINGER and my brain decided my inbox was a cursed place and ignored it so bad. I did NOT mean to just never reply, I swear <33

I’ll give you that! A little bitter is good! I like mine more sweet, but there is such a thing as too sweet! Also, I feel like this is the wrong answer, but I really do not like pickles 💔

That’s such a cool hobby!!! The only used bookstore we have local is… Well it’s a religious bookstore and I’ve not felt like checking it out 😅 But I love old books! My dad has given me a few of his own. I love my yellowed, falling apart, old book smell LOTR trilogy so much. I should sit and read them sometime

I still need to watch Scream!!! I did, however, finally watch Legally Blonde, and that was an EXCELLENT decision, 11/10, highly recommend. We love intelligent, badass women in this household.

Admittedly, I’m kind of a big baby when it comes to horror, less so in a blood and gore way and more in an I have anxiety and jump scares might send me into cardiac arrest ajdkdkdkksks. That said! The best horror adjacent thing I’ve watched is probably Ginger Snaps!! I have a feeling Scream might top it, just a vibe, but I have to watch it first lol. How about you?? Do you have a favorite horror movie? 👀

OH OH OH I LOVE THAT SONG!!! You are so so so right, I can see it!! If you’re interested, here’s a trio for you: “Sports Car” by Valley (became a recent favorite!), “Infinitely Ordinary” by The Wrecks, and “The View Between Villages” by Noah Kahan (I love this man!!!). Also!! That sunbeam photo is so lovely!!! That belongs as the photo on someone’s playlist for sure

It is! I am also lactose intolerant, so goddamn worth it dude 😋

That’s wild!! I honestly wish we got snow more often, I just wish it didn’t come with ice ajskdkkdkd. We have… Winter? It’s like Christmas through mid February. We get ice storms and sleet and MAYBE like three snow days 😭

Thank you so much! It’s very exciting. I have discovered I am in fact hopeless when not behind a screen. It’s easy to flirt when you’re not stuttering and red in the face. I am SO MUCH MORE CONFIDENT here, it’s wild. But I guess I’m doing something right ahdkdkkddk.

Weird American friend is fun! You can be my cool as fuck Canadian friend!! I know nobody there, though oddly enough my grandparents lived in Alberta for several years! No worries/no pressure as far as DMing, this is fun too! <333 Also!!! I’m still 100% down to watch LOTR with you, and I promise not to be obnoxious and spout off facts that everyone already knows (did you know the riders of Rohan were all women in beards—[GUNSHOT])

Those cookies look delicious!!! Perfectly chewy, by the looks of it! I’m guessing you enjoy baking?? <33

THE ALBUM I NEED TO GO BINGE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW SHIT I GOT TOO WRAPPED UP IN NOAH KAHAN

- your very, very sorry, weird American friend Max/Lo

#writing this with my head hung and tail between my legs #feel so so so guilty #I swear I did not mean to leave this unanswered so long 😭#elmax anon #please forgive me 💔

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jaytodd1129 · 2 years

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A lot of post-season 2 fic is like "Jaskier. I'm sorry about what i did on the mountain. u_u" and Jaskier is a bit angry about it for a while, and then goes "i forgive you", and everything is resolved, when i don't think the struggle between them should be whether Jaskier forgives him or not in the first place. Personally, I think Jaskier forgave him the second he saw him back in that jail cell. He can't help it, it's Geralt. And he knows him, he knows despite his rough edges he is still the best man he's ever known. He understands the man and the reason he does things better than even Geralt does himself. So no, the struggle for them is not whether Jaskier forgives Geralt for a couple of things he said on a mountain top. The struggle for them post-season 2 imo should be that Jaskier HAS forgiven him. Jaskier KNOWS he didn't mean those words. He KNOWS about what happened with Ciri and that Geralt had to put her first, which meant he couldn't look for him for a long time. But despite having forgiven him and despite being aware of all those things and despite understanding, there's still something inside of him that will not let things go back to the way they were before. And this is disturbing to both of them. The problem is not that Geralt was mean one time--the man has been saying all manner of things that could be perceived as mean since the day they met--, it's that what he said, coupled with the fact he then abandoned him on the mountain, has made Jaskier question EVERYTHING he thought he knew about his place in Geralt's life and his relationship with Geralt. He's wary of Geralt now, in a way he's never been before. In the back of his mind, there's a voice asking what if he annoys him again, and he gets left behind once more? So he can't completely relax and be himself around him. And he wishes he could, he WANTS to, because he doesn't want to punish Geralt on top of everything else that's happened to him, but he can't help it. You can't force trust. And Geralt on the other hand, thinks that saying sorry and being forgiven is all that will take for things to go back to what they were, so he's confused and frustrated that they haven't. All he can think of is "Jaskier is still mad about the mountain. He said he forgave me, but he didn't. i must make him understand", so he tries to have The Conversation with him again, but they just end up going in circles, cause Geralt keeps asking for his forgiveness, keeps trying to explain himself, Jaskier keeps insisting he's given it, that he understands, Geralt insists he hasn't and doesn't because otherwise it wouldn't feel this way between them. But the truth is, it's not as easy as that. The problem runs much deeper, because the problem is in Jaskier's heart, with the fear that has taken root there. There's trust that has been broken that is going to take a bit longer to rebuild. And there's nothing to do from either part, but to let time mend it, with all the pain that will come with it.

#i decided to give kinthinia a break from ranting at her about my nonsense and instead ranting at everyone at the same time about it #geraskier #geralt of rivia #jaskier #the witcher s2 #dandelion #twn #the witcher netflix #the mountain #the witcher #geralt x jaskier

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matchstickdolly · 3 years

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Lucifer 5B: Cutting off Touch to Spite Your Fans

Spoiler warning: This post assumes you've watched all of Lucifer, season 5, part B.

CW: There's plenty I like about season 5, but this is a negative post. I know not everyone is up for negativity about the things they love. I also generally avoid it and (try to) keep my mouth shut about things I don’t like in most spaces. It’s good etiquette. But this is my space, and I have thoughts specifically about purity culture and the treatment of sexuality and trauma in fiction. You’ve been warned!

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I'm a professional writer (not in TV). I've worked with enough bad clients, editors, and other writers to recognize some hallmark behaviors in how both Fox and Netflix gave Lucifer's writers incredibly difficult, unfair, and frankly weird situations to create through.

Fox did them dirty, interfering and ordering too many eps in S3. Netflix did them dirty, ordering 10 eps for S4 when it clearly needed ~13. Then Netflix ordered 10 "final" eps for S5—then, just kidding(!), 6 more after they'd done their writing for the 10. (What the fuck?) And then Netflix ordered 10 more for a "final-final" S6 after the writers had done their best to tell their whole story in S5. (MORE what the fuck.)

Talk about whiplash for creators, and half of those who consume content don't even care to understand such creative pain.

So, there are problems on multiple fronts. There's much I'll forgive writers, accordingly. I go into most shows expecting plotting/pacing issues. I look, instead, for characters and relationships that will triumph over those issues.

Heart is what the show Lucifer has always had in spades, both in its characters and in the immensely committed, wonderful ways the actors have tried to realize the characters' humor, love, trauma, and—most importantly—struggle to find healing. Yet, when given the opportunity to show health alongside another in a relationship, the writers/directors of 5B chose to remove most sexual humor and physical intimacy from their female lead and bi/pan characters to, I feel, sanitize them and troll fans. What happened?

Well, for one, say hi to showrunner Joe Henderson bragging about how the writers decided to be colossal dicks to the fans who helped secure their jobs:

From CBR's 'Lucifer Showrunner Joe Henderson Dissects Season 5B's Chaos'

Have we not suffered sidelined/repressed female characters, "bury your gays," and, oh, Chloe fucking a serial killer enough? Must we also say hello to neutered relationships once characters find stable love (whether same or opposite sex)? The result of withdrawing more sexual humor and physical intimacy from paired characters is an uncomfortable suggestion that they're reformed by "pure" love—more chaste and aloof, more acceptable in polite society. This is only done to end-game committed relationships.*

The writers seem to think they're edging the viewers, but the reality is they're taking traumatized minority characters who rejoiced in sexual freedom, but lacked and craved an emotional connection, and showing they can't have both, or, if they find both, it will never last. They've taken hypersexual characters and said, here, even they can have the love and commitment they desire, but some physical intimacy, especially sexual intimacy, is what they must trade for it.

There's always one more case, phone call, or coincidence interrupting intimacy. Traumas or deaths deserving emotional and physical comfort go on to receive none or only one aspect. Done sometimes, it's fine. Done always, it's sick. Dan dies, and there's no hugging? Really?†

Don't craft characters who crave a full range of emotional and physical intimacy, only to rob them of related scenes every chance you get. That's not complexity. That's bad writing. To even achieve this in 5B, they must squash banter and sideline their female lead yet again.

What a gift to purity culture, which tells us to be more palatable by bottling and buttoning up. That sex should be taboo, but violence glorified. That there is no heated desire among "Good Women," that sexual minorities of all genders shouldn't experience it much at all.

5A is so good. At the very least, it's on the right path (clearly, since the plot payoff from 5x01 to 5x16 is great). It shows a couple working through difficulties and trauma, toward each other emotionally and physically. It even pokes fun at people who think an established relationship means the death of romantic and sexual appeal (a tired and hugely sexist trope). And then... And then 5B reverses that, pretending established relationships are barely physical during emotional struggle and that the honeymoon phase doesn't exist. It robs characters of joy and comfort through physical intimacy when they need it to move through or push beyond trauma.

It's telling that so many fan wishes for Deckerstar are about healing touch and existing in each other's spaces: amending Chloe's spicy PDA history with Cain, Chloe caring for Lucifer's wings, soft family scenes a la Monopoly night and shared meals, morning-afters, etc. Reasonable fans aren't asking for porn; they're asking for connection and humanity. They're asking for writers not to forget characters (and, yes, including hypersexual characters) on their way from Point A to Point B.

That 5B lacks these things isn't a "tee-hee frustrating" slow burn or a cockblock. It is, in so many scenes, excising from characters a core part of what nearly every human and fictional monster craves. And it's a slap in the face to the "found family" trope. When you remove or tamp down a casual physical intimacy that was previously there, characters and their relationships fall flat, even if only partially. They become blunt weapons creators wield against watchers or readers begging for scraps of warmth.

Minorities shouldn't be killed off with ease, and they shouldn't be stifled with ease, either.‡ And maybe there shouldn't be deep trauma driving a wedge in a romantic relationship if you're not going to explore it through that relationship, too—physical intimacy included.

I'm still reserving some judgment. I loved the family drama and the end. (Although, again, where was the physical intimacy? No intimacy when Chloe or Lucifer return from the dead? Really?) I see where they could do awesome things, and could have done more if not for network BS.

But I no longer trust Lucifer's writers and directors. They thought S5 was the end. And what they gave us of Deckerstar, of the relationship that symbolizes health and healing in their fictional world, is this: cold distance. And they got a kick out of doing it, apparently.

If this is a "love letter" to me as a fan, I'm burning it. I can only hope S6 course corrects. If not, the writers who made these choices shouldn't write sexual minority and/or traumatized characters again. If you don't understand most of us, you should stop fucking using us.

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* If you don't believe me about the differences between casual/short-term relationships and end-game relationships in Lucifer, go back and look at how Lucifer and Maze are with strangers in all the other seasons. Look at Chloe's sex dream, her propositioning of Lucifer in a library, her sex with Pierce in the evidence closet. Look at how much physical intimacy there is between Lucifer and Eve, and then between Eve and Maze (if only as a ploy). Across seasons, there are sex/kink jokes and scenes galore.

Compare this to how these same characters are portrayed when with their end-game loves. Notice the gentle pecks on the lips and the huge general drop in sexual humor between 5A and 5B. How boring. Where's the spice these characters had? Also, give me a damn break. Buttoning up in a relationship is contrary to four and a half seasons of emotional character work that's been communicating security in our relationships is personally freeing.

† I'm not just talking about sexual intimacy in this post, though that is a big part of it because of the characters. 5B lacked crucial found family scenes, too.

Chloe should have been at God's family dinner, but being so would have prevented more ham-fisted angst. Chloe never even has a one-on-one with God, probably because that would demand a straight answer about her miracle status, which I would guess will be used to drive yet another wedge between her and Lucifer next season, but we'll see.

In multiple before- and after-work scenes, there was no reason for Lucifer and Chloe to be apart more, even, than they were in S1 and S2. Monopoly night was in S3, for crying out loud. Most horrifying of all? No one touches Chloe after Dan's death, but Trixie. Meanwhile, Linda, Amenadiel, Ella, Maze, and Lucifer all receive physical comfort. No wonder Chloe's tired of being strong.

‡ If you don't think it's offensive that they stuffed all their wlw content for two hypersexual characters into a few clunky, irrational, and chaste scenes that rushed I love yous, a marriage-like proposal, and the mention of soulmates, I don't know what to tell you other than get off my lawn.

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rpmemesbyarat · 3 years

Conversation

DISNEY'S "GARGOYLES" SEASON 2 QUOTES RP MEME

Why do you read that stuff?

I like a man who brings me weapons.

Nice wake up call.

We won't have to find them. They'll find us.

Revenge, as they say, is a sucker's game.

I'll settle for tearing this jerk IN HALF!

Want to see me use both hands?

That's no way to treat a lady!

That was no lady.

Thanks for saving my bacon before it got fried.

Look, just promise you'll call if there's trouble.

Go ahead, try something!

I'd love to do that again!

That wasn't a tranquilizer dart.

It was loaded with a mutagenic formula!

You don't know anything about her!

Why are you stomping on my friend here?

I was particularly proud of my death scene.

You never let me drive.

The important thing is, you're alive.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Something's not right here.

Then you leave us no choice!

How are we supposed to find them?

Please, I beg you, be quiet.

This isn't a good idea.

I'm best qualified to go.

My memories are clouded.

Why should I trust you?

If you can't trust me, then trust your heart.

Why do you fight me, my love?

We are destined to be together for all eternity.

I will choose who I love!

Now we'll see what this creature looks like up close.

Why stare at marks on a page when you can rent the video?

Well, I can't read and I don't think I'm missing anything.

Harrier jets! They can take off and land like helicopters. When your life's this exciting, who needs books?

Are you all right?

I had a little trouble.

This beach isn't safe after dark.

Do you need a doctor?

Come on in. I've got a fire going.

There's little I can offer in return, except my thanks.

You understand, I don't get any real pleasure from this. Well you've got courage, beastie. I'll give you that.

Funny, something about your voice made me think you were a soldier, once.

You were there.

I'm old, but I'm not that old.

I'm glad you came back.

I'm afraid I can't stay, but I think I left something on the terrace this morning.

Have you come across a large canister?

The name sounded phony.

I do know him, but he's not a friend!

A magic book?

They're worthless. No magic at all.

The written word is all that stands between memory and oblivion.

Without books as our anchors, we are cast adrift, neither teaching nor learning.

Books are lighthouses erected in the dark sea of time.

Is this how you welcome all your guests?

They have a sense of humor. You have none.

Yeah, I know, you're as relieved I am that everything's back to normal.

Wouldn't it be great to be a shapeshifter?

Well, let's just get this over with, shall we?

How can I be of service, hmm?

Out with it. I haven't got all night.

I'm sure you'll fit right in.

What is it you really want?

This just might be fun after all.

I thought everyone knew this.

Shapeshifters, elves, fairies, you mean they're real?

You mean, you thought I was ugly?

I want you to get rid of the humans. ALL of them.

Does this look like Aladdin's lamp? I have limits, after all.

Humans love a battle hearty.

I'll never get the hang of jumping off rooftops.

I'll always be there to catch you.

Do it, and you win your freedom.

It will be my pleasure. But afterwards, I'm going to need a very long nap.

There. You're free.

The sun, it's glorious! I never thought that it could feel so good.

I'm sorry about the bomb. But it proves how dangerous this case is.

When someone messes with your partner, you're supposed to do something about it.

You still haven't learned that crime doesn't pay.

A trade?

Let's just say, I don't trust you with it.

So, now you know my weakness.

Only you would regard love as a weakness.

A momentary lapse, I assure you.

Halloween! Tonight is the night!

Come on. I've wanted to stroll down a city street with you for a long time.

Marry me.

Are you serious?

We're genetically compatible, highly intelligent, and have the same goals.

You could've been hurt. I should've been with you.

Oh-well, spilt milk. Let's move on to plan B.

Don't listen to him. It's a trick! He couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it!

Even if what you say is true, why should I help her?

Because you know what it means to lose some you love.

Not a good night for you.

You can't believe anything he says.

If someone like him can love, perhaps there is some hope for this world.

Take this as token of my love.

Upon this I pledge my heart to you forever.

Why do you need all this?

I wanted it, so I took it.

It's so unlike you to attack first.

I simply invited you here to talk.

Our past encounters have not inspired me to trust you.

It's crazy to even consider going!

I'm not interested in reminiscing!

Have you no respect for anything?

Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

I will never be like you!

I do not wish to hurt you.

I do not wish to be you!

What am I to do?

Do nothing.

Do not worry.

Live in the moment.

Attend the petty angers and jealousies that fill your heart.

Fortify yourself with love and trust.

Fulfill the vows of love you make, for they can surely save you.

Time travel's funny that way.

Get away from me, you sentimental fool.

It's a pretty good likeness.

You know more than you're letting on.

T'was your handiwork.

very life is precious.

Take care not to become what you fight against.

Vengeance begets only a further cycle of more vengeance.

Do you want vengeance or a solution?

This is bigger than either of us has ever faced.

We'll have to work together to stop her.

Truce?

You are the cause of all this.

Humans will learn to respect you.

I would rather they fear me.

What are you doing to help?

That's one way to settle an argument.

I thought I'd rid myself of you long ago

You've forgotten about me.

You're too late. You can't save them. No one can!

I'm not here for them. I'm here for you.

I want it over between us!

I wear this as a reminder of your treachery.

Let's not start that again. You blame me, I blame you. Aren't you tired of talking about it?

I'm not here to talk.

Killing me will gain you nothing but your own death.

Death is never the answer. Life is.

I'm just so tired

Your thirst for vengeance has only created more sorrow.

I offer you one last opportunity for forgiveness and mercy.

I merely offer a sample of what you planned for me.

You have learned nothing.

I will still have my revenge!

What do we do with them?

You come in handy now and then.

I'm quite glad the plan worked.

I'm no hero, I just do my job, and my job for tonight is over.

All I want to do is hit the sack.

Why would you want to hit a sack?

How long was I out?

Even shadows must be true to their shade.

We don't need to wait for sunset.

Is it supposed to hurt that much?

Just get on with it.

Recognize the woman?

She seemed familiar, but I just couldn't place her.

You're getting real good at bypassing alarms

Don't give me credit.

It was too easy!

Maybe misery loves company.

If you're human, then you're subject to human laws.

Either way I win!

I fear no human!

There are forces at war within me.

I will return some day, if I can.

You sound like every human employee I ever fired!

Crush all of them together and you couldn't squeeze one iota of personal integrity from the lot!

No excuses, creature!

Learn to take responsibility for your own actions! And STOP whining!

Oh, I am trembling in my chair.

You believe I am not responsible. Yet I remain your prisoner?

Who said you're not responsible?

It doesn't matter that you were tricked, you know now that your actions inflicted grievous damage. Do you take responsibility for them or not?

Well, what are you going to do?

You seem distracted, having second thoughts?

We'll celebrate over breakfast.

No more excuses. I accept full responsibility for my actions. I was wrong.

Integrity is never easy. It's a daily struggle, a costly struggle.

I know I owe you a great debt for the mistake I made a year ago.

If the text wasn't new to me, it was at least worth revisiting.

All I know is I'm about to be wiped out!

It doesn't have to be that way.

I can break these chains. But only you can get me past the bars.

Automatons know nothing of betrayal or honor. They know only what they're programmed to know.

Only living beings possess the ability to change, and make new choices.

You've given me much to consider.

We are friends.

I'd rather not have your death on my conscience

You'll never reach the bridge!

You have two minutes until impact, one minute before I detonate.

I don't want any innocents hurt!

If it goes down, I'm going down with it.

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Yes, well, you have that effect on people.

I built this company for you!

I'd probably give it to you, if you'd just stand up and ask me for it honestly!

Asking for it wouldn't be any fun at all.

'Fun' is still more important to you than honor. I can't understand that.

Well, maybe you'll have better luck relating to the next generation.

You should've heard him laugh.

Made my hair stand on end, if I had any.

Surely you know I am not in the habit of playing childish pranks or laughing maniacally in the dark.

Do you even know how to laugh maniacally?

Don't tempt me.

Typical. You do and do and do for them, and what happens? They twist the knife in you!

I think I've created a monster.

Have you ever considered the bounties of genetic engineering?

Or maybe cybernetics is more your style?

Save the horror show for Halloween.

I'm sure tired of taking punishment, and I'd love to be able to give some back

That's the source of the trouble.

I hope you not planning to eat your catch.

Now that I'm in charge, I'm not taking any more of your cracks!

You're barely our species!

I'm in charge, here!

I find him very attractive.

Well, that's sicker than usual.

I'm a partner in a freak show!

I should'a figured it was crazy to stick with this crew

And if you play it smart, there'll be plenty of lettuce for everyone!

I should get my own cable TV show.

Oh, me and my big mouth.

It is the cure! It has to be!

Of course it's the cure! You must trust me!

It was you all along! I trusted you!

You turned me into a monster and I defended you!

I'm sorry it had to turn out this way.

You always overplay your hand

Tell me something' Why me?

You're old, and getting older.

I thought you might even appreciate the opportunity.

Growing old terrifies you, doesn't it?

Nothing terrifies me, because nothing is beyond my ability to change.

True immortality isn't about living forever, man; it's about what you do with the time you have.

When all your scheming's done, what will be your legacy

You're still alive! It's a miracle!

Boy, the city sure is different when it snows.

Not a bad life, all things considered.

There is a cure. There must be!

You can't keep me in here forever!

I'll get out! Do you hear? I'll get out!

About time you came back.

Why did you kidnap me? What do you want of me?

See, it wasn't as hard as you made it sound.

Ah, you wish to be immortal.

If the procedure is successful, I'll release you.

This is just a sculpture's model. The real thing is life sized, and lifelike.

What's in this for you?

Service is its own reward.

I wouldn't even know where to start looking.

You may as well be of some use to me.

Open this cage, and I'll show you how 'useless' I am.

It's hard to top that.

What you seek demands a heavy price.

Death and old age have their price as well. And it's too expensive for me.

Without your sword, you're helpless.

Swordless? Maybe. Helpless? NEVER!

What you choose to do with your life is your own affair, as long as it's got nothing to do with me.

You're just full of surprises.

No, let him go. He's earned it.

I wish it hadn't turned out this way.

I was so close to finding out if the legend was true. Now there's no one to test it on.

Throw down your weapon!

Is this a whole city of fools and lawless ruffians?

I'm the law here, pal!

You are a guardian, like myself.

I will submit to your law.

You are learning.

It will take some time.

Prepare to do battle!

I have no fight with you.

What is this, merit badge test night?

Oh well, better make sure it's an uneven fight.

The weak are to be protected, not exploited.

Aaah, who died and made you king?

If you don't know anything, why were you shooting at us?

Do I really need an excuse to have a good time in my own home?

They say a man's home is his castle, and what fun would a castle be without a dungeon?

If it gets any more saccharine in there, I'm going to put a finger down my throat.

I'd sure like to know how you got here, but I'm programmed to shoot first and ask questions later.

I demand a favor.

Death is always pointless. That is the point.

I demand reparation! My son was cruelly and unfairly taken from me!

Death is the ultimate fairness. Rich and poor, young and old - all are equal in death.

Our planet cannot support so many lives at once.

I apologize for any trouble I caused in my efforts to reclaim it.

It seems I'm out of practice dealing directly with mortals.

It seems I am unaccustomed to dealing with a god

We have all gained rare enlightenment this night

Mmmm, what a peculiar sight.

Now, that's odd.

Do you often go wandering about at night, young lady?

My dear, are you saying you don't remember your own name?

I can't seem to remember anything. I feel lucky I know how to talk.

How did I end up in the middle of the Pacific?

I guess I could use a ride

I thought you looked familiar. We've met before.

Do you know what a scroll is?

Get your claws off me!

You might want to reconsider your request.

We're gonna die!

I will not let anything harm you.

You win. I'll behave.

I cannot believe you pulled the trigger on me.

Just shut up and land.

I just don't remember! I'm not even sure I want to remember!

I understand your words, I simply do not believe them.

You have been long expected.

This trough is filled with acid. In about ten minutes its going to do a very nasty job on that soil carving, not to mention your rugged good looks.

It's my first real stab at clichéd villainy. How am I doing?

How are you doing this? No machine can hold me!

I should sue you for trademark infringement.

I've always considered myself a trickster at heart.

History cannot be changed.

You will not win!

What are you going to do? Bite my kneecaps off?

I know from experience the transforming power of a child's love.

The future is not written yet.

I have a sunny disposition and I'm always kind to animals

I've always respected you as a fellow inmate

He's a fool, but he may be useful.

I can work with that!

Now, now! That's your friends' genetic make-up you're insulting.

You are master now?

I should've known. But why this subterfuge?

Hey, I live for subterfuge!

I do not want escape, I want vengeance!

There's no such thing as "a little" vengeance.

No catches. No tricks. No strings.

So, things have come full circle.

You know how I feel about you, right?

#rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay memes #roleplay meme #roleplay starters #disney's gargoyles #gargoyles

62 notes · View notes

adventurousrecovery · 6 years

Conversation

You Wish

I was beaten and I let him. By the end of our relationship I was being called names, accused of doing things I hadn't done, constantly put down, and anything I did was never good enough. Our relationship ended and I had no idea who I was. I fell apart only to put myself back together. Five years later my ex contacts me via my artist page. I had recently changed the name on my personal page, making it difficult for clients and weirdos to find me. I am glad I did so. I finally enter into a relationship after 5 years and shortly after am contacted by my ex, who is now married with a kid.

(December 11, 2017)

Ex: Hey, Caitlin! How are you!?

Me: I am doing well. It's been a tough year with changes and losses, but has drastically taken a turn.

(December 12, 2017)

Ex: I'm sorry to hear you've been through some stuff, but I'm thankful things seem to be getting better! Listen...I was going through some stuff and stumbled upon your old gameboy. I thought you might appreciate getting it back.

*sends picture of the gameboy*

Me: Yes!

Ex: Awesome! Well I'm not sure what your schedule is like these days, but just let me know and we'll figured something out.

Me: I live in Terre Haute, but occasionally come south for the weekends and appointments. I will be down south this weekend, but not sure if I will make it to Eville on Sunday. I have numerous things in Evansville Monday and plan on attending AOC.

Ex: Ok that's fine. Just send me a message when you're in town and we'll work something out!

Me: Sounds good!

Me: Did you happen to find any cartridges that went with it?

Ex: Pokemon Special Pikachu is in it. If there were any other cartridges you had that are missing I'm more than happy to replace them. The kids used them...so there's no tellin where they may be at this point!

Me: Naw, that's fine.

( I only wanted my Pokemon cartridge because I was obsessed with it as a child and the most important of the few I had. I never contacted him. My weekend was so overwhelming with the introduction of my dog to my family while being reminded as to why I limit visits. I was so upset and anxious by being home that I thought it best to return to Terre Haute. I did not inform him. I didn't have to. I owed him nothing. I spent the week reflecting on how far I had come since he had broken up with me. I needed to remind myself of the person I had become.)

(December 23, 2017)

Me: I will be in Eville this evening. Is there a time that works for you?

Ex: Shouldn't matter too much. I have a house over by UE off walnut. Where will you be?

(Why mention the location of your house? Attempted bragging? Did he expect me to stop by, alone? Pffft....please.)

Me: I will be at AOC. I may also be somewhere before or after that depending on my sister and her choice place of meeting for Christmas exchange.

Ex: Ok just let me know when you're in town and we'll figure it out.

(His grammar and punctuation became sloppy compared to when he first messaged me. I did not respond, but 3 hours later he felt a need attempt to gain control.)

Ex: I'll just plan on meeting you over at AOC if that's ok

Me: Sure, before or after? The parking lot is jank because it is under construction so parking is on the side streets.

Ex: Probably before. What time will you be there?

Me: Hahaha no clue because I am currently making Christmas treats and it is not going well.

(The treat making not going well was true. However, I did know what time I would arrive, 6:30 when it started at 7:00. I needed time to compose and center myself.)

Ex: Lol it's all good. Whatever works for you is cool with me.

Me: I will try to be there 15 min early, but it is in the big building not the small.

Ex: Ok when does it start? 7?

Me: Yes

Ex: Cool

(3 hours later)

Me: I'm here. The entrance that faces Lincoln is open with the flag pole

Ex: What are you driving?

(Why did that matter? I kept my description minimal. The lack of lighting and parking on the side streets would make it difficult for him to locate my car.)

Me: My Pontiac, but I'm inside.

(I wanted it to be clear that I was not stepping outside. If he wanted to meet he had to put forth effort. I had contacted other members and informed them of his history and that we were meeting. They were there for safety. He arrived 10 minutes before the meeting. He brought his son and wife. Members acknowledged his arrival, greeting him with hugs though he hadn't been to a meeting there since we dated. I know because I was terrified I would see him there after we broke up. He avoided eye contact. In fact, he handed me my gameboy while having a conversation with someone else, not even looking in my direction. I thanked him. His family left. I expected more, but was happy it was over. I thought maybe he had changed was going to make an amends considering it is a 12 Step program. Nope. During the meeting, he further messages me and it took a completely different direction of weird while confirming his narcissistic personality.)

Ex: Hey listen...I wanted to stay and talk with you a bit, but you seemed upset. I didn't want to ruin your night or anything. Since I had the family with me I didn't think it would be best to stick around...especially if you feel any animosity toward me. I just wanted to give you your gameboy. Thought it might make you happy to have it back after all these years. If you're upset with me about something please let me know so I can do my best to fix it. Praying for you...and I sincerely hope you have a wonderful Christmas, Caitlin.

(He assumed I was upset, creating a situation that doesn't exist so he might wiggle his way into my life and feel better about himself. My happiness is not nor was it ever dependent on the return of my Gameboy. Therefore, there is nothing to fix. I mended myself.)

(Minutes later)

Ex: Can I call you or you call me when you leave there? I don't want there to be any unresolved issues anymore. I can feel there are. *gives me his number*

(That's a fuck no. I will not provide a means of further harassment.)

(2 hours later)

Ex: It's been 5 years. That's a long time to hold onto something. I can't make it better if you don't let me. I'm here when you're ready to talk.

(He thought about it for hours. What makes him think he has the power to "make it better"? It is clear that it is bothering him more than it has me. I was given 5 years of being single to rebuild my life and become the woman that I am. I am aware of his manipulative, sneaky, and narcissistic games. I have the advantage. I worked through the emotions surrounding our relationship. He jumped into another relationship before ours was over, distracting himself from whatever core issue is now currently eating at him.)

(December 24, 2017)

I received a message from my ex's wife via my artist page and personal page.

Wife: Good morning Caitlin. I hope this message finds you well. I read your blog and am saddened by the picture you've painted of (insert Ex's name here). He is a excellent father and husband, nothing like what you have depicted. (Insert ex's name here) has never spoken badly of you and only said that he ended the relationship between you and him because he didn't see a future with you and didn't want to lead you on. This was before I met him and I understand people make mistakes. But he is not the monster you make him sound like. The time you had with him was a fraction of the years we have been together. I have been in a relationship with him since August 2013 and while he has flaws like everyone, he has grown into a wonderful, god-fearing, hardworking man. You do not know who he is. While you were in his life for a season, you cannot possible know who he is now. I'm not saying that he didn't do anything to hurt you. What I am saying is he is not the same person he was when he first started recovery. We recently moved into our first home and while we were moving one of the kids found your gameboy. The only intentions Abe had were to do a kind deed in the spirit of Christmas. In no way was he trying to be malicious or cause you pain. (Insert ex's name here) is a changed man from what you knew. I urge you as a sister in Christ to forgive as Christ forgave us. He has moved on and is happy and that's all he wishes for you. I pray you find happiness and wish you all the best. Merry Christmas.

(While viewing this message I accidentally highlighted the conversation, emojis popped up while I attempted to scroll and hit the thumbs down. I did not know how to take back, but I assume it did not go over well for I received another message.)

Wife: Obviously you aren't at a point in your life where we can handle things like mature adults. I'm sorry to have wasted your time and mine. Either way, I hope you have a good Christmas.

Me: Due to the holiday I had the intention of waiting to respond, but because I am not technologically savvy, I accidentally hit a thumbs down and it was misinterpreted. I have and had every intention of responding, but due to the holidays I request that out of respect and consideration for all involved, we each take time to spend time with our families. Merry Christmas!

(First of all, why am I of any concern to his wife? Second, why is my blog of any interest? Third, for one to assume I have not healed or endured such a painful process is quite judgemental. Determining my happiness based on your life aspirations and experiences judgemental and close-minded. Healing, happiness, and truth are dependent upon the perspective of the individual to whom it matters most, myself. Lastly, my words are not untrue because they come from a different perspective. All that I have written is based on my personal perspective and experience in the time I spent with him. I would like to think he is a changed man and I hope to God he is, but the abuse happened. He did not lay a hand on me, but physical touch is not required to meet the criteria for abuse. I continue to see him as the person he once was for I never saw who he became. Why would I? Our relationship ended and there was no reason to reconvene and share stories. Abuse is a form of trauma and it took its toll on my mentality and I admit I am still affected by those past experiences. For example, I was driven by fear, paranoia, and convinced everything had an ulterior motive and that returned in my writing of this post. It doesn't mean it is wrong. I was shown what was not to be tolerated in a relationship and for that I am thankful for I have refused to settle for less than what I deserve. I did not deserve him. I deserved much better.

I spoke to my sponsor, as one does when such an issue might arise in recovery, and saw my part. I should clarify this posting is not a form of retaliation or intended to do harm, but is a personal perspective of true events. I know what I want and how I would like this to be "fixed" assuming that it can be or needs to. However, my request to my ex is recovery based without the influence of others and should be left at that. That request cannot be guaranteed and for me to take action in an attempt to force things to be "fixed" is handing my problems to God only to snatch them back again. I pray for God's will and his timing, that should the opportunity arise I be given the words to speak that others may hear to reach resolution.

#recovery #addict #addiction #drug addict #drug addiction #drug abuse #cutting #cutter #self harm #self injury #mental health #abuse #domestic violence #dating abuse #dating violence #abusive relationship #ex

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