The fish rots from the head

March 17, 2023

i haven’t written in a while. I haven’t felt this bad in a while. I cant really put my finger on it. And to be honest now that i should be writing about it i find myself too tired to even dive in. Im tired of being tired. Im tired of being upset. Without even discussing the issue, the buddhist way would sound like this: Be less self centered. Everything that happens, happens. We are the creator of this reality that is in pain and anguish. We paint this landscape we feel. i feel bad at my job. I feel attached to this identity of my job. I tally my mistakes and reason with my own myself- why don’t you just quit? I feel tired and burnt out. I think to myself. Is that just an excuse for your mistakes? Or are these just excuses. Maybe, you are bad at your job? Maybe its ok to be bad at your job. Maybe if you accepted that you were bad at your job that you would be happier. Free-er. 

Maybe if you let go of this. You could finally be happy doing a half ass job at your work. I ask myself why cant I be an effective person? Why do i make the mistakes i make. What self help books can I get. Or am i just. not good. at this. job. IT pays well. I bought a house. Im sitting here on my rug with the fire. alone. Was it all worth it in the end??

IS this a millenial soul reaching out for some sort of unordinary lifestyle? Should i be doing something i really love doing? What are all the answers, where are all the fucking answers. 

Ive never had the confidence to do something unconventional. Ive always been so scared. So scared that if i didnt have it all, i wouldnt be happy. So now that i have it all, am i? 

I feel pathetic. and i find myself hating myself. I think im tired. Tyler says im always tired. He says ive been tired for as long as ive known him...

What does that say? Is that even related to this job?

I think im getting better though. at dealing with the dissapointment.

Today me and tyler were both hanging on a string. I think i was doing ok and he snapped at me. and then we were both not ok. He had a bad week and all his plans fell through so he was upset and moping around the house. I tried to go somewhere with him but then we both lost it in the car. I found myself feeling very similar to how it was in the beginning when i worked at dominican. When he had (and still doesnt really have) the capacity to deal with me being so upset. We could not be more opposites in terms of dealing with work, and stress. I needed someone to council me to sooth me. To want to understand. I wanted someone to ask me what exactly happened and what the situation was. I wanted him to tell me it was ok- but to actually take a look at the situation.

I know he thinks he doesnt need to look at the situation, because he believes in me and thinks im over reacting overall. But i just see him brushing it off completely. In fact, he probably is cause he fucking hates talking about work. IT triggers him into some sort of spiral. talking about my work, his work. Hed rather not address it at all and act like it doesnt exist. All these work problems.

In many ways hes right though. It doesnt matter. If you treat it for what it is.. it shouldnt make me worried. In fact, i shouldnt even be talking about it right now. I shouldnt bring it up because its not importaint in our lives. Unfortunately for me i still think work is importaint to me.

Maybe i need to put efforts in something more personal. Something that could actually help me feel good about what i do. I said this today but im having hard times remembering it. We count all our mistakes but none of the good things we fix. I think maybe i could count on my fingers all the mistakes ive made this year and last year. but i never even counted all the good things ive done in my job. I dont give myself that ever. 

Midoriya Izuku - Future kids I

Midoriya Izuku's day just got turned upside down. MIdoriya is slightly ooc, and I'm dissapointed with the quality of this work. I lost inspiration sorry, but here you go anyways.

Midoriya Izuku x f!reader

Warnings: none, maybe slight cussing

It had been a normal day, so far. Class 1-b and 1-a had a joint training session, and everyone was giving it their all. Iida was using his recipico burst against their team's opponents, giving Midoriya time to think up a new plan now that they had been discovered. They had previously planned to use Aoyama's navel laser to lure their opponents to a specific spot, before using Iida to get him away so Midoriya and Todoroki could apprehend them. The plan had unfortunately backfired, since they had captured Aoyama before Iida could get to him. The solid air user from 1-b had gotten him in his hold, and only after Todoroki had gotten him back did they realise how much the rest of the plan would fail. So now Midoriya was tasked with coming up with a new plan.

Todoroki was occupied with holding the others at bay, and Iida was running out of fuel so they wouldn’t be much help. Aoyama was on the brink of his usual stomach ache that followed with overuse, so he was also pretty useless. Even if he wanted too Midoriya knew he was out matched, a 4 v 1 would not end well for him, besides he had to look out for Monoma and his copy quirk. He was so in his head planning that he didn’t see the Copycat sneaking up on him, not before it was too late. He should have felt an impact, Monoma had pointed one of Bakugou’s explosions towards him. But the impact never came, instead he felt himself float in the air hovering over the remaining smoke from the explosion. “Don’t you dare hurt my daddy” A loud girly voice proclaimed, effectively gaining everybody nearby attention.

Turning his attention towards the girly voice, he felt himself freeze up. In the middle of their training field stood a girl around the age of 10, if he had to take a guess. But that wasn’t what caused him to freeze up, no not the fact that this young girl had somehow managed to bypass UA’s security. Which should have been impossible, considering all the improvements that had been made to it after all the villain attacks that had happened. No, what caused him to freeze up was the fact that before him stood this girl, who looked like a carbon copy of him. It seemed that way from this distance. “Who is responsible for holding Midoriya in the air?” Aizawa’s gruff voice rang out. “Oh right, I forgot about that,” The curly green haired girl exclaimed, catching the attention of the slowly increasing crowd. Slowly Midoriya could feel himself being lowered to the ground again, once his feet hit the cement the quirk that had previously held him in the air deactivated making him feel 10 times heavier.

“Who the fuck disturbed the exercise, I’m gonna kill who ever did it” a familiar angry voice yelled out, making Bakugou’s presence noticeable. Everybody was a little on edge, they had enough experience with villains to not foolishly blindly trust anybody. It didn’t matter that it was a 10 year-old girl, or that she looked like a carbon copy of the resident green haired cinnamon roll. “Man, Uncle Katsu you really were loud back in the day” This statement from the green haired girl left everyone speechless. ‘Does she have a death wish’ was the thought on most of 1-A’s minds, nobody was so casual with Bakugou because it was a serious health hazard.

Well everyone except maybe his two best friends, Kirishima and y/n. It was common knowledge in class A that Bakugou had a soft spot for his two best friends, they had honestly been shocked the first time they met her. She had walked into the classroom, blank faced, walked over to Bakugou’s table, smacked him upside the head with a book before leaving it on his desk, and walked out the door with only a quick “don’t forget it next time, Idiot”. Miraculously she had lived, and Bakugou hadn’t even begun yelling. An impressive feat in itself. Not long after Midoriya had begun noticing you around school, and found out you were a part of the support course. He came to know you a bit, his observation skills made that almost too easy. Slowly but surely he began falling in love with you, the way your hair frames your face, your sharp tongue that never held back. How you would stand up for anybody, it didn’t matter if you knew them well or not if they were in trouble you would help them.

“Hah, what was that you brat?” Bakugou’s loud yelling and heavy footsteps approaching snapped him out of his thoughts, and back to the situation at hand. “ W-wait a minute Kacchan, I’m s-sure that there is a logical explanation” He found himself saying before he could even register what happened. Midoriya was hit with an immense feeling of protectiveness, similar to when they had rescued Eri, but stronger. Without knowing he had subconsciously stepped in front of the girl, pushing her behind his back. “Don’t worry dad I can handle myself, besides it’s only uncle Katsu” she spoke up behind the protective cinnamon roll. “Explain now” Aizawa cut in before they could get side tracked again. It was like the fact she hadn’t introduced herself, only hit her now.

“ Right, allow me to introduce myself” Bowing slightly she continued. “ My name is Midoriya Izumi, I am 10 years old and from the future” Aizawa sent her a raised eyebrow, wanting an elaborated answer. “ My friend was being teased by the others in class about how he was quirkless” Izuku tensed slightly but continued listening to Izumi “ Since my friend’s parents each has a quirk related to time, his mom could speed up herself for only a couple of minutes and his dad could slow down others a bit. This made it really hard for my friend to know if he had a quirk or not, so I helped him research and test different theories. Our last one must have worked, which is time travel by the way, but I have no idea how long his quirk will last” Izumi rambled slightly, reminding them of another curly green haired individual. Difference is Izumi talked loud enough for them to hear, and a bit slower making it understandable.

“Wait, you said your name was Midoriya Izumi. Does this mean that you are Midoriya’s daughter” The ever stoic, conspiracy theory thinking, dual haired boy pointed out. “ Yep, sure am uncle Sho, Don’t tell me you don’t see the resemblance.” She stood next to Izuku hugging his waist with one arm, before continuing” I’m dad's younger copy but female, mom always says there is more wholesomeness in him than there is in her. I remember her asking dad one time why his genes were so damn strong. Luckily for her Haru looks a lot more like her, he’s her younger copy but male” The people present looked between the two Midoriyas, it was true nobody could deny that she was her fathers daughter. The only thing that was different was her eyes, they had specks of y/e/c instead of being fully emerald like Izuku’s were. Also she talks a lot, just like their classmate. They shared the same green hair, both were curly in texture and the classic Midoriya freckles. Though it seemed that she had gotten more of her mothers personality, at least they assumed so. I mean she stood up to Bakugou, without even flinching at his tone.

“Oi, squirt what’s your quirk. And quit rambling like shitty Deku” Bakugou asked, interest evident in his tone. “ Right, my quirk is called Telekinesis, so I can move stuff with my mind. It was also how I was able to keep daddy in the air” Izumi responded, puffing her chest out comically in pride. “Huh so it skipped a generation, and your quirk is stronger than my mom’s. But you also have a different approach so maybe that helps. I wonder why yours is stronger, is it because of your mothers quirk. But then again my quirk is also powerful maybe an aspect of it ties to the genes maybe that’s why your quirk is stronger than moms” The older green haired individual began mumbling on, and he probably would have continued if he hadn’t been cut off by his lowly daughter hitting him in the head. “ Daddy stop mumbling,” Izumi stated sternly.

Bakugou grinned, he liked this kid's spunk and she seemed to have a strong quirk, even if she was shitty Deku’s kid. “Oi squirt fight me” He loudly proclaimed, earning all his classmates attention. Almost everyone began yelling over each other, what the hell dude and she just a kid another one was so not manly bro. Instead of being happy her dad’s old classmates were defending her, stopping her uncle from fighting her she got annoyed. So what if she was a child, this wouldn’t be her first time fighting her dad or her uncles. Before everyone could attack Bakugou even more a voice piqued up “ Sure, if that is alright with you sensei” she directed her attention towards Mr. Aizawa.

It wasn’t rational to challenge a child to a fight, but he couldn’t deny she had a great fighting spirit in her eyes. So he allowed it, he was curious himself to see how it would end. The control she displayed earlier was phenomenal, and she was only 10 but she had a lot of potential in his book. He shooed everuýone a bit away from the hothead and the young Midoriya, and so then created a ring of sorts acting a the line of confinement.

3…..2…...1…...GO!

Bakugou charged straight in with his usual right hook, only to have it swiftly caught by Izumi. She grabbed his right hand, squatted down a bit, then swiftly pushed her shoulder into his rib. The momentum of that allowed her to, even with some difficulty, flip his much larger body over her shoulder and into the ground. There was a small second of silence where Bakugou just laid on the ground in shock, a girl over 5 years younger than him just flipped him over her shoulder like it wasn’t even that hard. However Izumi didn’t give him time to think as she sent metal bars towards him. They had been fried earlier, before her arrival. Bakugou used his explosions to evade the metal projectiles, sending another one straight towards her face. Die squirt die, his colorful vocabulary re-entered the scene. She used her Telekinesis to command the explosion to change course and hit Bakugou square in the face instead. Slightly dazed Bakugou didn’t have time to move before a heel connected to his temple, effectively knocking him out.

Everyone who bore witness to this fight was shell shocked, Bakugou lost. The fight lasted only around 8 minutes before the winner of the 1 years sports festival got knocked out by a 10 year old girl. “Huh, that was easier than expected,” the panting girl exclaimed. Izuku could feel his chest swell with pride, that was his daughter. Strong and smart just like her parents. She walked over to Izuku and slumped against him “ I’m tired daddy, carry me” She looked up at him with those doe green eyes, and how could he say no to his little warrior princess. Blushing, he picked her up, and she let out a sigh of contentment. Using her quirk to command things on a molecular level, like Bakugou’s explosions always took a toll on her.

“Midoriya take Izumi to the dorms to let her rest, the rest of you come with me for our next exercise” Mr. Aizawa commanded the frozen teens and teacher. Izuku then began making his way to the dorms, asking his sleepy daughter a tornado of questions. Do you know about my quirk, how does your quirk work, how old is Haru, am I a good dad, who is your mom? Even in her sleepy state Izumi answered his questions to the best of her abilities, though she refused to reveal who her mother was.

When they arrived at the dorms he put her on the living room couch, and went to leave to grab her some old All Might merch that could fit her. Before he could leave she grabbed his cheeks rather harshly, looking him straight in the eye she said “Don’t worry about who mom is, she loves you for you so it's gonna be fine. Also don’t screw this up so I’ll still be born.” Izuku sweat dropped nervously, before getting out of her hold to go find that old merch of his.

When he returned to the living room after finding what he was looking for, he looked around only to find that it was empty. He walked over to the couch and coffee table where he found a note, picking it up and sitting down on the couch to read it. Dearest daddy, I felt tingly so I think the quirk is gonna wear off now. I just wanted to say that you are awesome and the best daddy out there, I love you so much. I’ll see you again in the future - hugs Izumi Midoriya. Izuku’s heart fell, she had only just arrived an hour or so ago and now she was gone. He didn’t get to know his daughter better like he had hoped, and he didn’t get to see her adorably dressed up in his old All Might merch. He read the note over and over again, trying to satisfy his heart. He would see her again in the future, and then it clicked. his heart swelled, yeah he would see Izumu again some day.

Yeah he would see her again when he was married and happy. Yeah he could wait for that, as long as he has too.

@rainypeachbakerygoth

“See, it really doesn't matter to me if you cum or not, you're the one who wants to. So you'll have to work for it very hard,” he inhaled a deep breath underlining the indifference in his voice, “and I don't think you're trying at all right now.”

I edited the previous version a lot because I wasn’t happy with it. Hope you’ll enjoy the new one. Ship: Viktor/Female V Contains: Orgasm Delay/Denial, Praise Kink, Voice Kink Word count: 3.9k Ao3

This contains spoilers for the "Path of Glory/The Sun" ending!! The ending is alternated but the spoiler is still there.

It was late, the sun has long set leaving the city in the neon lights of the signs and billboards, streets crowded with the cities night dwellers. Usually the clinic was supposed to be closed by now but an emergency had Viktor stay in late tonight, not that this was any surprise to the old Ripperdoc. This was Night City after all and if he was honest, the nights without emergencies and late shifts were the ones that worried him more. There was always some gonk who needed some patching up or an implant fixed, not that he really had much room for complaining. Having finished his work a while ago, Viktor has still not yet left the clinic, albeit for an entirely different reason than the merc who had been chewing his ear off about a malfunction in his optic implants earlier. No, Vik was sitting at his desk, tapping away on his screen to finish up a new order of cybernetics, deliberately slow if the impatient whimpering at the other end of the phone call was any indication. V's reactions forced a soft and barely audible chuckle from his throat. Her current state of impatience and desperation did interesting things to his body, the uncomfortable strain in his pants being evidence enough. V had called him after his last patient left, wanting to check in and know if he was coming over once his work was done. Not that he needed any invitation, but it was sweet of her to call just to make sure he wasn't overdoing it with his work. With her now 'running' the Afterlife and him running his clinic, time was a luxury they could not always afford, making the act of calling him a gesture he cherished deeply. How this call led to her currently working herself towards a release under his torturously slow instructions, however, he could not quite muster. Not that it mattered anyway, not with that beautiful whimpering plea of his name that just left her lips. “Vik... please...” Oh she was going to be the death of him. ______________ The noises from the city outside her window were drowned out, if not by her own uneven breathing and soft whines then it was by Viktors firm voice at the end of the line, giving her clear instructions on how and where to run her fingers along her body, when to press them down, to pinch and when to drag her nails across her skin ever so lightly, leaving goosebumps in their wake. It was the sweetest kind of torture as Vik had not yet given her permission to touch where she desperately needed it. Heat building up under her skin at every caress, every drag of her fingers, the tension almost unbearable. This was clearly not what she expected when she decided to call him earlier, between gigs and work at the Afterlife she barely found time for herself and it has been almost a week since she's last seen Vik. To say it was exhausting was an understatement, times like these she understood why the Ripperdoc gave up on being a legend. A private life was almost impossible. She was tired and desperate for a few hours of sleep but when she glimpsed into the mirror and her eyes were drawn to his necklace in her reflection she just had enough of missing his warmth and decided to give him a call. Now she was sprawled on her bed in nothing but her underwear and an old shirt clearly meant for someone bigger than her small frame, his scent faintly clung to it. V's fingers were now drawing tantalizing circles around her slit, still covered by the now soaked fabric of her underwear. Still without the okay to touch where she needed it, to relief some of the ache she was all but left panting his name softly, faintly aware of the plea that left her lips. “Didn't quite catch that kitten, gotta speak up.” His reply was hoarse and V swallowed a moan at the nickname he used, among all the names he had for her, this one was probably her favourite. She wriggled on her bed, pressing her thighs together slightly, trying to get any kind of friction. “Please let me touch myself...” Her voice was merely more than a soft mewl at this point, weak and desperate, much to Vik's delight. “You are touching yourself sweetheart, not sure I understand your request.”, he purred with that absolutely sinful voice, had anyone told her that a voice would one day make her feel the way his voice did, she would've laughed and shrugged it off as nonsense, yet here she was. His voice coursing through her body like liquid fire, pooling at her core, her cunt throbbing now. A pathetic whimper left her lips and she swallowed thickly. “You... know what I mean... ” “Oh do I?” His voice was going to be her demise. “Please...” “Kitten you know I love to hear you beg but you really gotta tell me what you want here, I'm old, can't read your mind y'know.”, it was a challenge, one that left V panting his name in a breathy moan. He knew exactly what she wanted but of course he would not make it easy for her. Ass. Viktor seemed to take some pity on her because the next thing she knew was the change of his tone, now cooing her with a fabricated softness. “What a poor girl you are huh, how about you stop with the slow circles then. I want you to really touch yourself now. I honestly don't care how, just do what works for you, get yourself nice and close to the edge and tell me when you're there.” She did not need to be told twice, her fingers now moving past the drenched fabric of her panties to rub circles into her clit. She was embarassingly close from all his teasing alone so when she moved her hand to push two fingers inside her she could already feel the coil in her stomach tensing. “You're close, aren't you sweetheart?”, Viks sounded more winded than just a couple of minutes before, clearly not unaffected by their game. The thought of her obeying his every command, of V completely at his mercy, if his pants hadn't been uncomfortable before, they certainly were now. V whimpered a quiet yes, the coil tightening closer and closer, ready to snap at any second. She inhaled a sharp breath, about to tumble over the edge, in what promised to be an intense orgasm, “Now stop.” With a frustrated whine V removed her hand from her aching cunt, stifling another groan at the sudden loss of friction and the almost-orgasm that was already fading back into nothing. “Listen to me, darling, this is very important.”, the control in Viktors voice was back, despite him talking down to her like that, V couldn't help the shiver that crawled down her spine and fueled the fire in her core. “What I want you do now is continue your work. Get really into it. But you will not cum. You'll keep yourself right on that edge until I'm with you and tell you otherwise. Think you can do that for me?” His voice was overcoming her in an inferno, lulling her into absolute obedience as she swallowed another moan. They may have had similar games before, he may have denied her orgasms before but never to this extend. No, the other times it was mere teasing, dragging it out for her mostly so they could climax together. Besides, Vik knew that a bit of edging made the orgasm so much more intense for her. This time he seemed content on testing just how far he could push her limits. With the sense of security coming from the safeword they've agreed on very early into their relationship Vik seemed to enjoy pushing V's boundaries just to see how much it would take to get her to yield. The feeling of having Night Cities best damn merc, this powerful woman who's easily crushed men his size before, fully at his mercy, obedient and begging for him was more of a turn on than Vik cared to admit. The quiet “Yes” left V's lips in a shaky breath, struggling to keep her voice even. “Good girl.”, the way he purred this particular nickname was borderline sinful and the only response she got before she heard the rustling of his clothes as he undoubtedly got up from his chair and left his clinic, now making his way to her apartment. She half expected him to hang up the call so his low voice took her by surprise when he growled softly, “Can't hear you. What are you waiting for?” Without further encouragement she continued her ministrations though she worked herself slower now, not wanting to reach that edge too quickly again. That was until she could hear the dissapointment dripping from the sigh that just left Viks lips. “Sweetheart I don't think you're really trying here.”, his voice was firm but low, hushed even, not wanting to draw any unnecessary attention from bypassers likely. A pathetic whimper from V as she brushed her fingers over her aching clit. “See, it really doesn't matter to me if you cum or not, you're the one who wants to. So you'll have to work for it very hard,” he inhaled a deep breath underlining the indifference in his voice, “and I don't think you're trying at all right now.” With a frustrated groan V applied more pressure feeling herself getting closer to the edge again, that familiar coil in her stomach tightening while moans of Viks name left her lips like a prayer. Her entire body felt like it was on fire, set ablaze by the sinful coaxing of Viktors voice, guiding her every move. She felt this raw want, need, and she knew that this need was not just for her release but for him. It was music to his ears really, part of him urging him to hurry up and watch her come undone beneath his body while screaming his name but she was not yet where he wanted her to be. Whether or not she was aware how much this was testing his self control, he didn't know. But it took everything to keep his composure, to continue playing his role and not just rush to her place and bury himself deep inside her. A week without her close to him and he felt how every inch of his skin craved her with such ferocity that he feared he might not be able to hold onto his control for much longer. Of course she would not object if he gave in, but this game was as much for her benefit as it was for his. He wanted to drag this out, the rare moments they had together, he wanted to savor them. After everything that went down with the Biochip, that moment of sheer and raw panic when he heard the shot that night she almost flatlined and Johnny dragged her into his clinic and his entire world froze. When the elevator door opened and she was standing in front of him, still alive, gun in hand, ready to march down Arasaka and take her life back... This woman has seen more shit than most of Night City and she was still kicking. There was nothing else he could do other than admire her raw will to live, her determination. She was a force of nature. And she was his. He was the one currently heading towards her place, his name was the one still hanging on her lips like a silent song. The thought filled him with so much desire that he had to focus on slowing down his steps. A bright neon sign catching his attention. “Maybe we should check out this place sometime, looks like they got some nice stuff”, with a low chuckle he halted in front of a store, deciding to ignore V's groan of protest. His alone and he knew exactly how to play her. “Viktor... pleaseee”, whether she intentionally dragged out the words or she was just too far gone, he couldn't tell but he smiled at her reaction regardless. The way his full name rolled from her lips shot straight to his cock. “Please what, sweetheart?” Oh his tone was absolute agony now. Feigned sweetness coaxing his every word. He was straight up driving her mad. “Hurry up please...”, between her rasped moans and whimpers it became increasingly difficult to form coherent sentences, much to the Ripperdocs amusement. “Why the rush doll?”, he didn't bother hiding his amusement as he continued walking down the road towards her apartment building. It wasn't far from his clinic so he took every opportunity to drag things out a bit further. “Want to... cum”, V managed between sharp breaths, she's certainly not been on the edge for this long before, now alternating her ministrations between getting her right onto the edge and slowing down enough to not stumble over it. It was blissful torment. It still became an increasingly difficult and agonizing task and with her next whimper as she slowed down enough to stop herself from reaching her peak, all she heard was Viktors deep laugh for a second. “Aww poor poor girl, is the big man being mean to you and not letting you finish?” V hated him in the best possible way for the patronizing tone he was using on her, if alone for the fact that it just pushed her closer towards tipping over. Before she could reply however his chuckling stopped and he continued, “Oh that's right, I don't fuckin' care. You're here for my amusement.” The merc whined in response, at this point she had to remove her hands from her body fully, she was certain a single breath would be her end now. As much as Viktor enjoyed the torment, his impatience was growing and his pants were unbearably tight at that point, he was lucky enough that the bulge was barely obvious. Or the bypassers were just too busy with their own world to really notice. Either way, he was growing feverish for her skin on his, her cunt wrapped tightly around him. Once he arrived at the Megabuilding and stepped into the elevator his tone shifted ever so slightly. “What a good, obedient girl you're being. Think you deserve to cum?”, his words were still teasing but coaxed with a level of fondness that made her heart melt as much as it set fire to her entire body and she clutched he thighs together at the sensation. “Yes please”, she whispered into her phone. “God you sound so perfect like this, so desperate to cum for me like a good little girl.” “Please.. Viktor please”, the words coming out in a pathetic whine. “Patience darling, just stay right on the edge, you're doing so well.”, Vik knew that she needed the encouragement now, he could tell that she was close to her limit. The elevator came to a stop at her level. Viktor no longer wasted any time and took quick long strides towards her apartment. Once he finally arrived at her apartment he had to bite back a groan at the sight that he was greeted with. V was draped across her bed, shirt rolled up revealing most of her stomach and her panties discarded likely a while ago. Her head was tossed back and she was biting her bottom lip hard, thin sheen of sweat glistening in the neon light from outside her window. Her hands were gripping the sheets next to her thighs which she was currently pressing together hard. Vik was not sure what he was expecting but the image beat everything he could've imagined, sending another sharp pang down his cock and he had to adjust his pants just enough to stop the strain for the moment. “Now that's a sight to behold...”, he started teasingly, every intention of going at a slow pace thrown out the window the moment her eyes opened and met his, pupils blown with unhinged desire, bottom lip still sucked between her teeth, her expression a silent plea for mercy. “Fuck...” Whatever it was he wanted to say, it was now stuck in his throat, low groan all he could muster before quickly discarding his own clothes and leaning down on the bed, arms on either side of her head, to capture her lips in a heated and sloppy kiss. He barely wasted any time before trailing his lips down her neck, biting down onto that sensitive spot at the same time he grabbed her knees to wrap her legs around his waist. V had her arms wrapped around his shoulder tighly and when he ground his hips into her, dragging his length deliciously slow along her soaked folds, she dug ner nails into his skin and deep growl rumbled in Viks chest. Feeling his length pressed against her slit after the delicious torture she endured was pure gasoline thrown into the fire of her craving body. Unwilling to wait any longer Vik mumbled something about how wet and perfect she was for him before positioning his tip at her entrance and slowly pushing himself into the silky wetness between her thighs. The stretch was heavenly and with her being absolutely drenched from their game, she didn't need any time to adjust to his size, instead he started at a slow and steady pace, giving long and hard thrusts. Capturing her lips again, tongue tracing her bottom lip before she granted him access. His movements were slow, calculated, but hard, snapping his hips forward with a force that reminded V of his former boxer career. His left arm coming down under her waist, lifting her up ever so slightly, the new angle making him hit that spot deep inside that sent sparks through her entire body. V eventually broke the kiss to gasp for air, Viks face now buried in her shoulder, deep growls rumbling in his chest. He held her so tightly and she clung to him just as much, the emotions running through her, she could feel his heartbeat and every last bit of tension from her daily life, every fear, every uncertainty faded into nothing. She was not only feeling her own pleasure, she was feeling his, it made her heart hammer in her chest. How did she ever get so lucky? Out of all the people in Night City this man had chosen her, a kid from the street merely trying to survive, she may have reached the top but she knew that she would have never gotten this far without him. A sharp bite on her neck pulled her out of her thoughts and she could feel his lips move when he spoke onto her skin “Stop thinkin' so goddamn much.” Vik had her moaning his name again with a particular hard thrust. “Better.” His movements quickened and before long he was slamming into her with a brutal pace. “Vik I can't hold-”, V cried out unable to finish her sentece, she was so close to her climax, she desperately wanted to cum and just when it seemed like he would let her, he halted his movements entirely. V whined in protest, head thrown back into the pillows and eyes shut, she bucked her hips for any kind of friction but Viktors hands held her hips in place and with a smirk he leaned in to trace his lips along her neck again, he could feel her pulse racing. “You're doing so well kitten, come on, beg for it.” He continued his movements, slowly at first, dragging his full length out before slamming back in, hitting that perfect spot that made her cry out his name. “You can do better, come on, let me hear you”, he continued mumbling into her neck, getting close to his own release while he increased his pace, no longer holding back from slamming into her with a force that almost knocked the air out of her lungs. V no longer having any reservations about her volume, chanted his name with strings of “please” like a prayer, neighbors be damned, let them hear whos doing this to her, hear who she belongs to. Her nails digging into his back hard enough to leave bloody trails, not that he seemed to mind, if anything it just goaded him on as a sharp hiss left his lips. Another bite to her neck, sure to leave a mark, and he grabbed her face. “Look at me.” V struggled to keep her eyes open. “Look. At. Me.” Viktor briefly slowed down his movement enough so V could open her eyes and look at him. Whatever people saw in her in the streets, this view was his and his alone,  pupils blown wide with lust and pure longing, longing not only for release but all of him, he wished he could save this image forever. “Good girl”, he smirked at her before picking up his pace again. “You ready to cum with me?” V just nodded. “Use your words sweetheart”, despite the command, his voice was soft, tender, his thumb tracing along her cheek. “Yes, please”, was all she managed to gasp before he moved his hand to the back of her head, grasping her hair in a tight grip. “Then cum for me.” With a shout of his name the coil finally snapped and her orgasm crashed over her in an inferno, ever nerve of her body on fire as she rode out the most intense climax she's ever had. His name clung to her lips and she felt herself clenching down on Viks cock tightly. That was all it took for him to follow her, with a loud groan of her full name he thrust into her a few more times, spilling his release deep inside her Coming down from their high together they stayed in place like this for a while, catching their breaths  before Vik leaned down to press a soft kiss to V's forehead. “Good girl, you did so well.” A kiss on her lips, slow and thoroughly to come down from their high. Pouring their emotions into each other. V wished she could just stay like this forever. No responsibilities, no clients waiting for her, just this. Content. Peaceful. When Vik broke the kiss he cupped her cheek with his right hand, looking at her like she was the only damn thing that mattered in this world. It made her heart ache. “I love you”, he whispered, breath tickling her lips. Her heart now felt like it was going to leap out of her chest and all she could muster was a smile as she leaned up to capture his lips with her own. Nothing else mattered in that moment, not the noise and crowds of the city outside her apartment, not her clients, not the Afterlife or even her role in it. It all faded into the background. Everything she wanted, needed, was here. This felt like home, he felt like home, and she finally understood.

Have some cheesy but imho cute fluff with Tsukki. I wanted to post it on his birthday but like... I couldn't wait.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

It is September 25th. 2 days before Tsukishima’s birthday. You were dating for almost an year and it was finally time to celebrate his birthday. Just the two of you. As lovers. Last year you two were with Yamaguchi, also a very good friend of yours, and you and Kei were still only friends. It wasn’t until a week later that he confessed. You begged Yama to not come on the 27th because you are doing a surprise for Kei. You promised to let them two go out and you will pay because you know how important it is for Yamaguchi. Now for the recepie. You will be making some shortcake. First you need to look at the best way to make in and you’ll do it tomorrow. Now it is time to wrap the gift you got him. It’s something only you knew he wanted. Well he didn’t tell you but you saw over his shoulder that he was looking at the thing you got him – a dinosaur onesie. You got him a custom one because all of the ones on the internet were all to small for him. The other thing you did was buy one for yourself. You could imagine the look on Kei’s face when he saw you with a present and shortcake in hand dressed in a dinosaur onesie. You get some wrapping paper and put the garment in the center. You cover it and tie a bow. But the other thing you need to do is write a card. It needs to be perfect. After some thinking you made up the perfect wish

Dear Kei,

Happy birthday! I hope you have the best birthday ever! Always be happy and healthy, have a lot of success and luck and never forget that I love you with all my heart!

*nickname*

It wasn’t much but it’s right from the heart. You couldn’t wait.

The next day

Today you’ll be making the perfect shortcake. There aren’t a lot of ingredients in the recepie and it was easy to follow. Well not that you had trouble. When the quarantine happened a couple of months back you occupied your time with cooking and baking. It was fun. You even cooked for and with Kei sometimes. You mentally slapped yourself because the desert won’t make itself. You mixed this and that, put some other things and put it in the oven. 30 minutes later and the whole apartment/house smells like cake. You swear that your parents were looking straight at the oven. At least they knew that the confections is for Kei. Because if not, it would be gone in an instant. You take it out and let the cake cool down so you can decorate it. You bought piping bags just for the cake. After you finish you stick it in a pretty box you decorated yourself and put it in the fridge. Only a bit left untill you actually gave him his present. You are too excited.

27th of September

You wake up and get right out of bed. It’s the day. You will be meeting with your boyfriend at his house. He didn’t want to go to a restaurant or something really public so you agreed to stay in. He thinks Yamaguchi is also coming and he will probably be a bit dissapointed. The next day will make it up to him. The top priority now is to get in the onesie and get the presents. And also go to Kei’s house.

At his house

You ring the doorbell. The one that opens the door is Akiteru. You greet him and tell him to not say anything because he made it a habit to shout “KEI, YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS HERE TO SEE YOU” when you come to their home. He is doing it on purpose. As time progresses it’ll get easier to deal with. But now it’s still a bit embarrassing, given you met his parents as his girlfriend a month ago. This time Akiteru complied, seeing what you look like. He even held the cake for a moment. Kei was waiting in his room. It was time for the surprise. You kind of kick the door to act like a knock. When you saw the handle going down it was showtime.

You wished that you had a third arm to take a picture with. You knew that Akiteru was probably around the corner though. You need to ask him for the pic later:

- Happy birthday, Kei!

The look on his face was priceless. You thought that his jaw woud drop to the floor and his glasses would fog up because of how red he is. He grabbed your hand and pulled you gently in his room. He probably saw his brother. Kei is still speachless but you go on and give him his gift after you put the cake on his desk:

- I got this for you.

He looked like a child on Christmas but his hands screamed a middle aged person because his arm was so slow. It was probably so he doesn’t rip the paper. You did put a couple of tape praces here and there. No need to ruin the secrecy of a present with a bad wrapping job. When he open it finally, his eyes lit up:

- Thank you, *nickname*. You didn’t have to. And it probably won’t fit.

- You can only be sure if you try it on.

- *sigh*… OK.

He came back with a weird expression. He was frowning a bit, probably because you were right, but also there was some hint of a smile. You were glad he liked it:

- So… how do you like it? I got myself one too so we can match.

- I love it. You were right though. It fits.

- I told you. OK I have one more thing. – you grab the box – open the little envelope on the onsie while I open this and light up the candles.

He looks shocked again. Then he looks at you and you feel the tease coming. Was it too short? Too sim- before you can continue he hugs you tightly. You drop the lighter you were holding because it is dangerous to have basically a flame in your hands. And you hug back. You saty like that for a bit but you need to do things.

- Kei, I need to light the candles.

- I know.

- Then can you let go. We can hug later.

He reluctantly let go of you with a scowl. You finally open up the box and it reveals the cake with the words Happy 16th birthday Kei! ILY SO MUCH! And two little dinosaurs drawn on the bottom. They have their heads together and a heart is drawn on top of them.

- It’s shortcake. I wanted to make it for your birthday, that’s why I didn’t want to before. Now let me light up your candles. Look at you! – you whipe off a fake tear and sniffle a bit – They grow up so fast!

- Just light it up already!

- OK, I will. So impatient.

You sing him “Happy birthday” and tell him to make a wish. He blows out the candles and you clap.

- Now to cut it.

You take a knife and a plate. The pice you give to Kei is really big. For a second you thought that he won’t be able to eat it all but then you remembered it is him. He probably could eat the whole thing, even though his appetite is really small.

- Here you are! Just please eat slowly.

- I will see.

He didn’t. It was around 30 seconds and the whole pice was gone:

- That was really good, *nickname*.

- Thank you, Kei! I’m glad you like it. It took me hours to find the right recipe. I’ll make it for you when I can. It is actually really easy.

- Sounds cool but… where is my last present?

- What do you mean?

- You said we woud cuddle!

- Oh, that is what you were talking about. Well let me get small pieces for your family. I’ll bring it to them. In the meantime put something on so we can watch. Maybe a movie?

- OK, I’m waiting.

When you returned, you found him on his bed with his laptop on the side. He is waiting for you there.

- So, what movie are we watching?

- We’re not watching anything.

- Why?

- Just come here, *nickname*.

- OK…

He scooped you up into his arms and put some music on. It’s the playlist you two put together. There are songs that alternate – one from your library, one from his and so on. You have similar tastes so it doesn’t mater anyway. You two stay like this for an hour or two, enjoying each other’s company, dressed in dinosaur onsies. The one that broke the silence was Kei:

- Hey, *nickname*are you sleeping?

- No, I’m awake.

- I just wanted to thank you again. This is the best birthday ever. – he kissed the top of your head.

- Always for you. – in return you took the hand he had around your waist and gave it a kiss. – I wanted to make it special for you.

- It really was. This is literally the best gift I’ve ever received.

- As I said, I’m glad you like it.

- I also wanted to ask… where’s Yamaguchi?

- Oh… I kinda begged him to saty home today. I was going to ask you if you wanted to go somewhere with him tomorrow. I will pay for everything you do if I have to. You know.. With today being your birthday and him being your best friend.

- It’s ok, no need to worry. I’ll go out with him. He will understand all of it and you know it.

- You are right. I shouldn’t worry too much.

- Yes, now lay your head back down and calm down. – you didn’t realize when you turned your head toward him.

- Fine… - you do lay your head on his chest again but also reach for his hair. – Thank you, Kei.

- I should be the one to be thanking you. Now shut up.

The rest of the day you did this – cuddle and sometimes talk about anything and everything.

Make Kei’s birthday special for him – mission accomplished.

Have you made any less glamorous experiences at Oxford, maybe some that have discouraged you? I love what I'm studying and most of the time I am successful, but sometimes I fall short of what was expected and I am really bad at dealing with those feelings (when it comes to academia). Do you have any pieces of advice for me, going forward? 😔

hey anon! i have, and know exactly how you feel. i’ve always been a bit black and white when it comes to academia; if something goes even slightly wrong or i slip up i feel i’m stupid, i’ll never understand anything, i don’t deserve to be where i am, my past successes are invalidated, etc. i’ve also always had a habit of comparing myself to others, which worsens these feelings. however, i’ve worked hard at dealing with this over the year, and i feel that i’ve improved tenfold at coping. so advice-wise i’ll split my general process of responding to disappointment in academia into two. it’s not as logical and stark as this obviously but this is the clearest way i can think to explain it:

i) reflection

this is the most important part, as without it ii) can’t happen. it requires both being kind on yourself and being strict with yourself - don’t beat yourself up about what’s happened, but also keep enough of a firm hand over your emotions to prevent yourself from spiralling. it’s about being realistic, too, which is hard, but also freeing. from being realistic comes the comforting thought that EVERYONE slips up - even the smartest people i know at oxford don’t deliver perfect essays every week, or even very good essays. it also gives you space to move and grow (hence bleeding into ii)) - if you don’t restrict yourself to absolute perfection all the time and allow yourself to make mistakes then your mind can end up more flexible. the teacher or tutor may say to you (or you may realise during the process of, e.g., writing an essay, something similar yourself) ‘so x isn’t quite there, but it could lead to a very interesting exploration of y’, thus taking you in a new direction a ‘perfect’ (paradoxically limited by virtue of being ‘perfect’) essay would never have expanded out into.

you haven’t directly said that you have an issue comparing yourself to others (so feel free to ignore this if you don’t!) but since this is often linked to intense feelings of dissapointment in academia i thought i’d mention it here just in case. it’s helpful for me to internally repeat growth mindset to myself, almost like a mantra. i keep reminding myself that i’m extremely privileged to be in an environment full of such extraordinarily intelligent people, and that some of these people will be smarter than me - great! that means i still have things to learn, both from them and more generally. the most boring thing in the world would be to run out of things to learn - there’d be no progression.

the only other thing here is to ask whose expectations you are falling short of. are you inventing the disapproval of teachers, parents, etc when really it’s only you who’s so harsh on yourself? is a teacher who knows what you’re capable of really going to change their opinion based on one bad piece of work? if teachers and/ or parents are that harsh, then shame on them, but it’s your expectations of yourself you should be working on - that’s what matters, and that’s what you can control.

ii) action

embarrassment and shame can make moving forward hard. there’s always the fear that you’ll slip up again, or the suspicion that people (tutors, peers) are judging you. panic and/ or dread can affect the next essay, problem sheet, exam, etc. it’s often thought that the solution is to work harder, and maybe it is. but usually those who deal with the feelings you are experiencing already work extremely hard, so ‘working harder’ can actually just lead to burnout. instead, be honest with yourself and ask which of these is needed to improve:

• taking a step back: e.g. giving yourself much needed rest, putting things into perspective, relaxing a little more, recognising that it’s a marathon and not a sprint and acting accordingly, taking baby steps.

• taking a different angle of approach: e.g. do you have shaky foundations and need to restart completely, working from the ground up? would slightly adjusting the way you study and/ or write help? reading more criticism/ watching online lectures can really help to open up new avenues to you.

• working smarter, not harder: e.g. making useful but difficult adjustments to study patterns and/ or specific pieces of work, working 5 hours a day without procrastination rather than a tiring 8 hour day without focusing properly, not listening to music if you know you work better without it, not taking loads of time doing the easy stuff and not the hard stuff because it makes you feel good.

if you’re asking for a specific example: when i started old english at the beginning of the year i was terrible at it, which i struggled to deal with as i was doing well with the victorian paper also being taught during that term. i was the only one in my class who’d never studied a case language before and i didn’t even know what cases were, i’d fail all the grammar tests and struggle through all the translations (my modern english renderings were totally incomprehensible). i thought the solution was just to work harder (i.e. more) and would try to do way too much, churning out 10,000 word essay plans and pulling an all-nighter before each essay deadline without ever finishing the essay, having to ask for many many extensions. i’d read all the articles on the reading list when we’d only been told to read 2, and didn’t really take them in as i was skimming to try to get them all read. with prelims (first year exams) approaching, i figured something had to change. i took a step back to breathe, figured out exactly what i had to do and worked on that (success is just as much about knowing what’s superfluous and what you don’t have to do as much as what you do have to do), didn’t procrastinate, went to the appropriate lectures (which i’d skipped the terms before to work more on my essays for little payoff!) tackled the hard bits, stopped before the point of exhaustion. when it came to it i went into the exam feeling calm and not trying to do too much. i got my results back a few days ago and old english was my best paper! throughout the year it got me down a lot and made me question my place at uni, but i forced myself to be optimistic (with a dose of realism - you do have to make it happen). i tried to look at things long-term, and the only way was up.

i hope this helps! 💕 you’ve got this, just be as optimistic and honest with yourself as possible.

Birds of Prey

By Kenshiro

Going into this film, I went in with an open mind.  Sure, I wasn’t a huge fan of the trailer, or the posters, or the character depictions.  Fact is, I had a LOT of problems with the way this film was being presented.  A film titled “Birds of Prey” in my mind, should be focused ON said Birds of Prey.  A badass female superhero team originally consisting of Oracle, Black Canary and (eventually) Huntress.  The original run, written beautifully by longtime award-winning comic author Gail Simone is quite fondly remembered by many fans.  However, none of that was being represented in this film.

Fans were ticked for a couple of valid reasons: 1. No Barbara Gordon, Oracle, Batgirl or otherwise; 2. Cassandra Cain a mouthy pickpocket???? 3. An old Renee Montoya? 4. and this is a big one…HARLEY WAS NEVER A BIRD.  Okay so that’s more than a couple, but it was a new take, and new takes rarely go over well with comic fans.  They are tied up in their fondness for what they remembered, so how in the heck did this movie have a chance.  Well, it didn’t get off on the right foot with them, or me…yet despite that I always go in willing to judge it for what it is. Glad I did. Because I REALLY enjoyed myself.  More than I ever expected to.

DO NOT DOUBT MARGOT ROBBIE.  PERIOD.

Lets put something to rest here: Margot Robbie GETS Harley.  You thought she was good in Suicide Squad?  Nah…she’s EXCELLENT as Harley.  You may as well pencil her in as right up there with Arlene Sorkin and Tara Strong (Harley’s original and successor VAs).  She personifies Harley much like Christopher Reeve is Superman or RDJ is Tony Stark/Iron Man. She owns it.  End of Story.  This is the Harley leapt right from the pages of her monthly.  She clearly did her research and she’s not playing a token version of Harley.  She was everything any Harley fan could’ve hoped for.  She’s worth the price of admission alone.

Which is good really when you think about it because that nagging thing about the film’s name will keep bugging you.  Had they named it The Fantabulous Emancipation of one Harley Quinn it would’ve been way more on the money.  It’s Harley’s story to tell clearly, and she tells it so freaking well!

IF YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT BLACK MASK…DON’T BE

Much has also been made of Ewan McGregor’s portrayal of Black Mask/Roman Sionis.  Mostly because of the apparent homosexual overtones.  While certainly some of the more insecure males in society will cringe at some moments, there’s absolutely nothing to be concerned for.  McGregor nails it.  Roman is, putting it bluntly, an unhinged individual.  McGregor certainly plays that up, dynamically shifting from cultured mafia boss to raging mafia boss on the drop of a dime.  The guy you loved seeing in Batman: Under The Red Hood?  Yeah, he’s in there for sure.

Some may feel some kind of way about Rosie Perez as Renee Montoya, the seasoned GCPD Detective. Despite her not being the age range many fans were hoping for, she definitely handles herself well.  Huntress/Helena Bertinelli, played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead features prominently in the story and I quite liked her take on Huntress, even if its not exactly what I expected.  Jurnee Smollet-Bell as Black Canary? Yeah, she was great in the role.  She was kickass when she definitely needed to be, and I have zero issue with her being cast.  Some may get their panties twisted about her ethnicity, but it doesn’t bother me none.  The writers did an overall great job weaving the story elements together but there’s still that one nagging thing about it.

CASSANDRA CAIN….WHY?

Okay, many fans are most upset with Cassandra Cain, and with good reason.  The character’s classic origin is that of a girl born from the genes of two of the deadliest assassin’s in the DC Universe’s Earth, David Cain and Lady Shiva.  Lady Shiva, being THE mistress of martial arts. She could hand Batman his ass without little trouble at all.  This was her daughter and boy did she earn her rep as the best martial artist in Batman’s related family.  So one can emptathize with the dissapointment that you were not going to get that.  Sorry to say, your fears are warranted.  Unfortunately, even though her character moves things along and is certainly a central cog, she could’ve been named literally anyone other than Cassandra Cain and it would’ve mattered nothing at all.

Similar to my feelings on Joker, there is little point in bringing this character to the screen if you’re not making them in essence who the fans would recognize.  So if there’s a flaw in the armor of this story, its certainly her.  Taking nothing away from Ella Jay Basco, the young lady who played Cassandra, but I would’ve like to see her be anyone OTHER than a kid named Cassandra Cain.  No, that’s not a small gripe either.  There’s so much potential that could’ve been had, that is now absolutely squandered here.

Photographer Selects; Cassandra Cain-ELLA JAY BASCO; Dinah Lance/Black Canary-JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL; Harley Quinn-MARGOT ROBBIE; Helena Bertinelli/Huntress-MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD; Renee Montoya-ROSIE PEREZ

FINAL THOUGHTS

So if you have any reservations about seeing this film, unless you’re just predisposed to hate it, you shouldn’t.  This film is a TON of fun.  It’s funny, its comically violent, and is easily one of the best DC films released recently.  Oh, and if you’re wondering if this does take place in the DCEU, pay really close attention to Harley’s recounting of her history in the first act of the film.  It’s all right there for you to interpret for yourself.  My money is YES it does.  By the end of the film, you’ll be satisfied with the end point both the Birds of Prey are established, and Harley is fully striking out on her own.  You’re going to have a great time at the movies this weekend.  Its definitely worth seeing in the theater.

Let’s Start Again | I.M

Reader x Changkyun

Genre: angst, fluff

Warnings: strong langauge, cheating

A/N - I still don’t have my own computer, so I’m not going to start posting scenarios but I just wrote it and wanted to share it. lol. btw im sorry about mistakes, I’m too tired to check it. lol

"What the hell, (Y/N)?" I heard a familiar voice and suddenly everything was going in slow motion. I felt a shiver going down my spine, as I felt fear, guilt and some other feelings that I couldn't describe, wash over me. I looked up, seeing Changkyun with his hand on a doorknob. His face was painted with shock, pain, saddness and dissapointment. And now, at that very moment, I've came to my senses, understanding what I've been doing, and where I've been. Fuck. I heard a guy below me talking to me, asking me about something, but I totally ignored him and kept looking at Changkyun. "Changkyun..." I said. It came out more as a weak whisper, but I knew he heard me. I saw it on his face. He just smirked, but it wasn't something that I knew. It wasn't cocky but really, really sad. I knew I broke his heart and it broke mine. He looked at the scene for the last time and turned away and walked out of the room. I stood up, taking the covers out of the bed to cover my naked body and left after him. "Changkyun, I'm sorry... Changkyun!" I shouted after him as tears started to run down my cheeks. He turned away, looking at me with disgust and anger. "What the fuck do you want from me (Y/N)? What do you want? Do you want me to listen to all of your pathetic excuses? What are you going to tell me? I'm sorry, that's not what it looks like? Or what? Because that's exacly what it looks like, (Y/N)! I'm not fucking stupid, you know?" He shouted, and his eyes started to get teary. "You fucked a guy in our bedroom, in my fucking bed "he pointed at his chest a couple of times. "and I fucking caught you." I stayed quiet. I felt horrible. I felt like trash and he was right. I cheated on him and he caught me. I was shameless. And I didn't even tried to defend myself. I just stood there, with my head hang low. "I loved you, (Y/N). No, I still love you. But I can't handle it." His voice cracked in the middle of the sentence. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, brushing through his hair with long fingers. "Just tell me, for how long? How many?" I looked at him surprised, not fully getting what he was saying. He must've see it on my face since he sighed deeply. "Don't play dumb with me right now, (Y/N). For how long have you been seeing this guy? Or maybe it was just a one-night stand? Or maybe, just maybe, he was one of many others? Tell me, (Y/N), how many guys have you fucked with behind my back in my fucking bed?" "No, Changkyun!" I said with a shaky voice. "It was a mistake, it's my first time, I promise you. Changkyun..." A chuckle escaped his mouth, as he was looking at me as I was the most pathetic person on the whole Earth. "Just stop, (Y/N). I don't believe you anymore. I'm fucking done with you. We're over." He said and walked out of our shared apartament, shutting the door behind him.

"How can I hel...." Words stuck in my throat as I heard a very familiar laugh echo through the place. Suddenly all of our memories appeard in my head. When we first met, our first date. First kiss. Moving in. Laughing together because of the stupidest things. Our all-night long conversations, sharing our biggest fears. Planning future toghether. I looked in the direction from where the sound came. There he was, standing in a lane, ready to place an order. I felt a sting of guilt in my heart as I remember the look on his face when I saw him for the last time. He haven't changed almost at all but he did look somehow different. He was still the same height. He had a white t-shirt on and a cap on his head. He had a wide smile on his face, the one that I had loved so much. He looked happy, really, really happy and I felt almost relived. Changkyun lowered himself, wraping his arms around small figure. Only now I've noticed her. That's the only thing that had changed about him. He wasn't alone. He was with another girl, and that's what was different in him. His eyes were sparkling, he was almost glowing. I looked at the girl. She was short, way shorter than him. She looked like a totally opposite of me. Different hair color, eye shape, figure. Everything was different. I felt a wave of jelousy wash over me as I noticed that she had his hoodie on. The one, that was my favourite, the one that I stole from him when we weren't even daiting yet. I knew he had a girlfriend and I knew that he had been doing good. I mean, we have the same friends, but seeing him here... I would've never guessed that we would meet again. At least not like that. "One espresso, please" I heard and snaped myself to the reality. I placed and order and recived payment from the customer. He was next in line. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I wanted to run away, hide, just dissapear. But that wasn't an option so I just decided to act like an adult. "Hello" I said shyly. Fuck. I slapped myself mentally for sounding like a five yeard old girl asking for a candy before dinner. He looked at me and I noticed a quick change on his face, but I couldn't exactly say what it was. "Two iced americano please." He said with the coldest voice I've ever heard. "Kkyunie" His girlfriend said, clinging onto him. He never liked it when I was like that. "Should we order a cake? I'm feeling like eating something sweet." Changkyun looked at her with so much love I wanted to punch him. He used to look at me like that. "What cake, sunshine?" He asked and I felt another sting of jelousy. "Carrot cake?" She asked with the sweetest voice, it almost made me throw up. I couldn't help, but shake my head lightly. He doesn't like carrots, I thought and slaped myself mentally once again. That was my fault, I've done this. I shouldn't be like that. "And one carrot cake please." He looked at me and I just nodded my head, placing an order. "I'm going to pay with card." "Okay, no problem." I said. I took his card and swiped it, finalizing the payment and he just walked away, not looking at me even once. It hurt me that he was acting like we've never met. But that's what I asked for, so I can't be bitter about it now. It was 9pm now and my shift just came to an end. I was incredibly tired, but not only because of working late. No. Today was and emotional roller coaster and that exhausted me. I took my belongings from my locker, and went out to say goodbye to my co-workers as they were staying longer than me. "(Y/N), someone was looking for you." I heard as I approached Nana, a girl my age that was working with me. We quickly became friends, since our personalities were similar. I looked at her confused, but she just shrugged her shoulders and pointed at a person with her chin. I looked at the direction she was showing me. And there he was. Sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in his hands, glancing through a window. I took a deep breath and walked up to him. Well, we shoul've done it long time ago. "Have you been waiting long?" I asked him and he jumped surprised. I sat down in front of him, giving him a sad smile. He didn't answer, just slided second cup of coffee in my direction. "Thank you." I said, wrapping my fingers on a mug. We sat in a awkward silence for awhile, neither of us knowing how to start a conversation. I shifted myself lightly, feeling his eyes on me. I was extremly uncomfortable, but I could handle it. "I'm sorry." He said and I looked at him confused. He was sorry? For what. "If I knew you are working here, I would never come with her." I furrowed my brows. "I don't know why are you apologizing? I was the one who did a terrible thing. You have nothing to be sorry about." I said. "Yeah, but I acted like a jerk. I was pretending that I don't know you. And I'm sorry for that too." I chuckled. "Why are you always worrying about others? I deserved it, to be honest, so I wasn't even surprised." He just nodded his head and we were sitting in a silence once again. I took a mug in my hands and took a sip out of my coffee. It started to get cold. "Is that why you came here? To tell me that?" I asked, trying to look as much relaxed as I could, but I guess it didn't go too well. He shook his head. "No. I mean, yeah, but it wasn't the main reason, though." Now, he took a sip out of his cup. "Honestly, I wanted to talk to you for awhile now, but I just didn't have the guts. And today, I don't know, I felt brave, I guess." He chuckled. "Why do you want to talk to me? I broke your heart, after all." I said quietly, not sure how will he react. I didn't know if the memory of that night still hurt him, but it sure did hurts me. "I know that. But I just don't want to have any hard feelings between us. You know, I forgave you." I bit my lower lip, trying to stop the tears from running down my cheeks. "I'm okay with it now, you know. And I actually feel bad that I didn't let you explain yourself." I looked at him and chuckled. "You're ridiculous, Changkyun. I fucking cheated on you and you're feeling sorry for me. What the hell? I already feel really pathetic, you know? I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't deserve your understanding." At this point I just gave up and let the tears flow. I didn't care that I was in my work place, I didn't care that my co-workers were watching me. I didn't care that I was pathetic. I just didn't deserved it. "I know you cheated on me. But I loved you, (Y/N). You were the first person I've ever loved, and the fisrt person that broke my heart." "I'm sorry Changkyun. I can't do this." I said, standing up. It took my stuff and walked out of there, ignoring him calling my name. As soon as I stepped outside, I brusted into tears. I was such a shitty person, but he still wanted to make up with me. "Can you fucking wait? Or even react when I was shouting after you?" I felt a sharp tug on my arm. Changkyun was now standing in front of me with his hands on my shoulders, that I tried to shake off. "Can't you see it, Kkyun?" I said, looking at him with sad expression. Now he was confused. "Can't you see, that even if you forgave me, I haven't forgave myself? Can't you see it?" I almost shouted. "I don't deserve this. I don't fucking deserve you. I never did. I should be the one apologizing, not you. I should be the one to feel sorry. I should've find you two years ago to explain, but I'm a coward and I was afraid to look you in the face. Don't you get it?" He stood there surprised at my sudden behavior. He wasn't the only one, but everything that I kept burried deep inside of me, suddenly came out like a bomb. But if felt good, in a way. "(Y/N)..." He whispered. "Do you know how miserable I was for the past couple of years? I ruined us with one mistake, Changkyun. And I still can't get over it. I regret that night everyday. I regret it so fucking much that it almost breaks me from the inside. You are the love of my life and I lost you." Because of all of the emotions I started talking without making any sense, but I could finally tell him how much I regretted cheating on him. I knew I would want to bury myself in the ground in a few hours, embarresed, but it didn't matter now. "Can you shut up for a second and let me tell something, please?" He said, shaking my shoulders lightly. I nodded my head, wiping away tears with a sleeve of my hoodie. "I came here not only because I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry." He took a deep breath. "Honestly, when I saw you today... I felt it all over again. I've never forgotten about you. I've missed you everyday. I wanted to see you, I wanted to touch you, to hug you. I wanted to hate you, but I just couldn't. Everytime something good or bad has happened to me, I wanted you to be the first person to know about it. I was miserable too, you know? I just can't forget about you, no matter what you've done. Today I finally realized how much I loved you. How much I love you, (Y/N)." My heart started beating faster. I didn't know what was going on. Was he serious or maybe he wanted to take a revenge on me?  I couldn't quite get it. "Stop messing with me, Changkyun. I know you have a girlfriend." "I don't have a girlfriend though" He said with the most serious expression. Liar. "You came with her today, remember? I saw how you look at her. She even had your hoodie on." I said with a shaking voice, taking a fabric of my hoodie in my fingers. I looked at my shoes, not wanting to see his face.  He chuckled lightly, taking my chin into his two fingers and making me look at him. "For real, I don't have a girlfriend." "But Minhyuk told me awhile ago that you do..." "Oh that.... Yeah, I had but we broke up few weeks ago. She was too clingy. You know I don't like it." A light smile formed on his face. "Okay, so who was that girl? You looked at her like you were in love." "Yeah, she's my little cousin. She came from Busan on holidays. We used to be very close. But not THAT close, you know. Wait" He took out his phone out of the pocket and started searching for something. After a minute he showed me a picture on instagram. It was him with the girl I saw today. Under the picture was written "With the best bro in the whole world." I looked at him confused. "I told you I don't have a girlfriend." I smiled, but became serious almost instantly. "Still, I don't  understand what are you trying to do." He sighed. "I want us to get back togehter, (Y/N). I can still see that you love me. And I, for sure, still love you." "Changkyun... I don't think if that's a good idea. Aren't you afraid that I'll break your heart again?" "No. Because I know you, (Y/N). I know that you were having a hard time back then and I wasn't there for you, so it was also my fault. I trust you, (Y/N)." His words made me feel good but also really bad. "No, Changkyun. I don't think that's a good idea. How can you trust me when I don't trust myself? What if I'll be having a hard time and you'll be busy? No, I don't want to hurt you again." "So you won't be daiting anyone for the rest of your life, because you're afraid of cheating again?" He asked, staring at me that it almost made me uncofortable. "Maybe" I whispered, playing with a fabric of my hoodie. "I don't know." "(Y/N), let's start again. From the beginning. Let's start slowly." "Changkyun...." I said, but he cut me off. "Listen to me, (Y/N). I'm not saying that we have to move in together right away. I'm saying that we should try again. Have a fresh start. We'll work things out together. We won't make the same mistakes again." "But what if I do it again? What then? Are we going to go through the same things all over again? Because if yes, I don't want to. It hurts too much, Changkyun. I can't." "Why are you so afraid? Can't you just trust yourself? Because I trust you and I know you won't do it again. I see how much you regret it." He said, wrapping his arms around me and it felt the same as few years ago. I felt safe, loved. It felt right. "Let's give it a shot. If it won't work, then let's just break up." He buried his face in my hair and took a deep breath. "I want to try again because I know if I won't do it, I'll regret it for the rest of my life." "Changkyun..." I swallowed my tears. He backed himself away from me a little bit but he still had his arms wraped around him. "Won't you regret it?" "I'm afraid I will." I said and he smiled. I saw in his eyes sparkle, as he took my face into his hands and lowered himself. My heart was beating like crazy, as I closed my eyes. Few seconds later I felt his soft lips on mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck, trying to bring myself closer to him. The kiss was sweet at the beginning, his toung touched my lower lip, as if it was asking for premmision. His lips still felt the same on mine, he still tasted the same. It telt like home. And then kiss has turned into more intimate, we wanted to show each other how we missed the other one. Finally we parted our lips and Changkyun rested his forehead on mine. Our breaths were shallow, but we were happy. He wiped my cheeks with his fingers. Right, of course I was crying. "I've missed you so much, (Y/N)." "I love you so much." He smiled, kissing me once again. This time it wasn't as long as the previous one, but still really sweet. He took my hand and looked at me. "You have a snot hanging from your nose." he said, laughing. "Oh for fuck sake, you know how to ruin a moment." I laughed, taking a tissues out of my bag and wiping my nose. "But that's why you love me, right?" "Ew, you're so cheesy." I said, looking at him. "But I love it".

Abandoned and hopeless

Hello, I don't even know where to start. I guess I should just start from the beginning.I am 21 years old and from Germany, I've always been a sensitive child that had problems connecting with others and suffering from anxiety and social anxiety since I was little, which made it a problem for me to go to kindergarten and school. I often cried and stayed at home, getting sick, suffering from stomach ache and nauseous which not even my doctor back then understood was out of fear. As I got older the problems got worse, I got in trouble because I often stayed away from school which nobody understood, not even my own mother, because I was good at school, best of my class and finished as one of the school best.

 After school I tried something similar to college here in Germany, which didn't work out and wasn't at all what I wanted but I thought going there would make others happy and not dissapoint them, I always had such a fear of dissapointing everyone. And then there was another school, my mother had to pay for it but then my health got in the way and everything got to much and I stopped going there. Ever since I was young I wanted to be an actress and I tried a few small things that weren't successfull but also not a failure about it either. Anyways, even in school I noticed small signs that would later get bigger and turned out to be OCD, at 18 it had fully developed and had control over my life. Rituals, that often involved my mother, made my days a nightmare and my mother would often blame me for behaving that way even though my therapist, I got one a few months after I got OCD, tried to tell her that I am not doing it on purposebut that it was an illness. My mother and my relatives still blamed me, saying now that I am 18 I am using OCD as an excuse to do what I want and that I looked up the symptoms online to pretend that I was sick. That didn't help, instead it made things worse that I even tried to take anti depressants to help with it, it helped a little but what helped the most was therapy.

2017 was the year I finally had hope again, I still had depression and OCD but I managed to get it mostly under control. Even though my mother pretends that didn't happen. I lost a lot of weight and felt and looked better, I had hope again and even got a job later that year, at a small bookshop that didn't pay much but the work was nice and not too many hours so it wouldn't be ovewhelming. I even tried acting at the local theater for a while and did like it. It wasn't perfect but that year I felt better than I hadn't in a long time. But then it all crashed down.

2018 came. The first months of the year were alright, I still did my job and worked on myself as best as I could. But then my beloved cat got sick, at first the vet told us it was harmless, just an injury but I got worried. I felt that something wasn't alright and in August I took him to a hospital that told me that it was possible he had a tumor, after my researches I had it in the back of my mind that this was a possibility but hearing it from a vet is something nobody likes to even imagine. I promised him that I would take care of him when my mother and I drove home with him that day, and I would have, no matter the cost I would have done everything for him. My beloved cat who I had for 16 years, who I got when I was just four years old and he was just a baby, he died the next day with my by his side and not able to safe him. He was always there for me, he allowed nobody else to get close to him the way I did and I felt like I died with him that day.Everything went wrong after that, I lost my job, my OCD got so much worse. My grandmother was in the hospital for a long time and my mother ignored my suffering for the most part, like she had always done it. She would watch me get bullied by my aunts for being not normal because I was such a quiet kid, she'd insult me for my OCD and always try to force me get into a mental hospital, no matter if my therapist tried to tell her that ambulant therapy was the better option because I needed my home as backup. I felt so alone the entire time and whoever of my relatives noticed that my cat wasn't around any longer would bully or make fun of me for griefing this long. My grandma tried to support me a little, she's 91 and starting to suffer from dementia, but it didn't help. I had agressive outburts and thought about killing myself every day after he died, my therapist later telling me that I suffered from PTSD, my mother and I did hurt each other with either of us having bruises, not in a dangerous way but still. And I was the one getting blamed for everything. The one kicked out for a few days to be forced to go to hospital. I needed support, support from my mother so I could grieve, support from her to tell the relatives to leave me be. I told myself I'd try to make it a year without killing myself but nothings had gotten better. In February 2018, not long after my birthday, of of my two bunnies died. Another loss in my life,

September 2019, my mother tried getting me a legal guard and making it seem like I am insane so I would get one, the person that had to question me about it came this September, telling me my mother had put my grandmother in a nursery home and she was going to move out and that I had to move out, too because our landlord wanted the apartment for himself. It turned out my mother had been looking for a new apartment for months, without telling me or my grandmother, and that she was abandoning her in the nursery home and me to find a new place within a few weeks. I just couldn't believe it, she left that day and only coming sometimes with relatives to get her things and throw away things from our home, including many of my things. My relatives bullied me every time they were there and even telling me to kill myself so it'd be easier for everyone. And I have thought about it, about ending this suffering. I haven't left the apartment, instead I got a lawyer and I am trying to fight the landlord. First of all, I don't believe he needs it for himself, instead wants to renovate it and then get more money for it, and I found some hints that he has a own house and uses that he wants to move in himself just as an excuse. Second, all my health and mental problems making it impossible for me to move out, I have been living her for 21 years and everyone just dismisses this, yes the man bought that house three years ago but I gew up here, I've spent my life here, my life with my beloved cat and my mom and grandma. Everyone acts like him buying the house erases that fact that because of him a 91 year old has to be in a nursery home and a 21 year old with mental problems would kill herself if she also loses her home. And he doesn't have a legal judgement yet that I have to move out, my lawyer wants to go the way that I can't move out because of my mental problems. Instead he tries everything to bully me out of it, changes the lock of the front door, so I can't leave there when it's locked and can't get back in once I am out, tries to enter the apartment door without permission, removes the name on the letter box so I don't receive anything, changes the lock of the basement door so I can't get to my laundry machine and can't get to the heater and look why it doesn't work, it's freezing cold by now in the apartment. The people living above are friends with the landlord and help him bully me at every option. 

Since September my mother basically ignores me, it feels like i am dead to her. I was only allowed to visit my grandma once and I am not allowed to even call her. I am being ghosted by my own mother and it really feels like I am not going to survive the end of this year. What makes it even harder is that I love my mom, still. And I love my grandma. No matter what happened. And the people telling me I should move forward... I am 21, but I am also only 21. I am not ready to build a live for myself and I still need my family. As my therapist told me, she's proud of me how I managed to survive the past months but I shouldn't have to get through this alone, I shouldn't be abandoned by my family. I don't really have anyone else because being ill the past years isolated me to go out like a normal person my age would.

 It's Christmas soon, and I can't even bear the thought of not spending it with my mom and grandma in our warm, decorated home and instead sitting here alone in our cold apartment and wanting to die.I know it's a lot to read and messy but thanks to everyone who tries to read it and maybe has advice or just kind words.

Summary: Abandoned 21 year old with OCD, anxiety, PTSD and depression fighting for her home and wanting her family back, after too many losses because she got nothing left on this earth.

Tmi - scroll past if you don't like body, family and emotional talk

I'm getting worse. Much worse.

I'm starting to suspect that my uterus might be the cause of all my problems. My body is starting to slide back to the way it was before I started taking birth control to balance my out of control hormones.

It would all make sense. My physical issues started only about six months to a year after my first menstruation. And before the pills, I would go anywhere from skipping a month, to going almost four months between cycling. And if it wasn't that I would have cycles that lasted anywhere from two entire weeks to over two months.

My body has never known how to operate. Even after all this time, my father who knew nothing of the female body before being married, still thinks this is all still normal. But it's not normal. Not in the slightest.

It doesn't help that my body isn't happy with the amount of hormones it's getting. This is the second time the hormones needto be upped, but I don't know if I can ask for more. Anything I ask about regarding my body is treated with defensive suspect. My dad acted betrayed when he found out I needed them. He's also 20x more paranoid about me being around the opposite sex. And it... hurts that he has no trust or faith in me. Yet somehow I still OWE HIM, my mom, and family kids? Why is it dissapointing that I want to do something with myself. Why is it wrong for me to be broken?

It's not like I'm takeing all Chance of grandkids away from them, my brother has a serious girlfriend of almost three years, and has always been a total ladies man. My brother even said he wants a lot of kids! The worst part? I am GARANTEED to have unhealthy, kids who WILL have mental illness. Especially if I ever had a girl.

I've also never seen the appeal of marriage or kids. And when ever anyone asks me that they can't believe it? Is it really that hard? It's always they can except one but not the other. I've been told everything from "You can always marry a sterile man!" To "well you can just go to a sperm bank and raise a baby by yourself!" For heavens sake, my mother almost died giving birth to both me and my brother! We were both pre mature by a month and a half, her and my dad had a one in two million chance of being unrelated, but having such similar genetics that her body thought we were dying organs that needed to be rejected.

Yet even after this I am TERRIFIED of even mentioning a hysterectomy to my family. They blew up on me for wanting a breast reduction when I was 13. Not only would a hysterectomy take away the only purpose they see in me, they consider it an "unessisary" surgery. And to top it all off a tattoo?? Even though my brother has two, I can't joke about being inked up without getting a 'look'.

I'm so tired. I just want to rip this stupid organ out.

It's also the one thing that's never been tested to see if it was causing issues.

That temporary solution

1.

That temporary solution that was her to my temporary human problems, that came, mostly with age, was afeter all. a very permanent one.

As we say, the temporary is the most permanent. She was after all, someting that was becoming encrusted into my life. Something hard to remove. Something useful, cheap and comftarble. Maybe all the middle life commons and commodities were embeded into her. And the most difficult part was to overcome that conftarble side of life. That low flight of tought, and desires, and needs.

My brain at the time was becoming like crystilized, of so much depression, and for that I cannot blame her. But crytalized it was, and my imaginations just ceased to emanate, they didn’t came, natural, as they were in my twenies, which was a very ftuitful time, and which I thought was the commons for me, for myself. 

No, instead ife was coming to me, into this shape absent of the things that I thought were part of me. This intelligence, as i liked to think of it, of my self and my mindfulness. Even books started to become more of a lenght. That did not started any more fires. In othe times each word would trigger intellectual or pseudo intellectual responses of me myself. But in this period, the end, final, utter end of my twienies, I wont let any thoughtful trigger to happen. 

Maybe because of what I have seen what the triggers are about. If they do not conduce to action. To any form of result, it was pretty meager to let them happen. So if I do not want to come into the spectrum of doing, its pretty lame to have this intellectual triggers. 

Afterall, if you are not able to change yourself, to socialize them. I mean. This triggers were to throw stones into a pond. This beautiful placce in which I would come to trhow some precious things, ravaged from lands of inmense wealth and beauty, lands of games and visual performance, and narrative. This universe, you go as this warrior, as this murder, killing them for good, killing the carachters and anything good about them, and go back to your pond, that place that is your own discovery. You have discovered yourself in it. And throw those treasures into it. But then after what felt like many many years, this version of self had paled. and bleached. Were was this adventurous prophet, or magician, or delusional investigator, was he becamed dissapointed. All those misteries, or promesses of  misteries were not fulfilled. Were decoded into information. And information I did took back. 

But because the pound is ssomething that does not include any method, any form of system to construct a nation, if for example, I was to build this natios, I would, after had built the castle, and the first places, come back to it, in sarch of answers of what the search was about, and go back to the othe natios or the world itself to search. 

But the pond had remained as a pond, and no nation was built arround it, and perhaps what I craved all along was a method and discipline, to sistemitize the information, and build with it something portentous, multiple and complex but it had yet to happen. 

2.

So my job was something temporary aswell, a rite of passage that as a medium would lead me to my true fulfilment, to my own personal illusion of creating these scenes. This story with momentum, this comic, animated series, videogame, for adults but with no comedy but tragedy, and no drama. Just the coming into knowledge of something tragic, as is not anymore seen on the screens, there are thillers, and there are no contry for old men, and there is nocturnal animals. And those kind of imply of a tragedy, of somethign of porportions that we as always cannot digest without sffecting our psyche, and lets say it inmediatly, is the tragedy a extatic state, it is compulsive, it is aggresive movements of the  (animo). Will it led to a dimishment of faculties of the imagination and the knowledgement. 

This insight of what gefüll will bring with it to the tragedy, which inner movement will bring could be me thesis. Will the insides of the character that has been confronted to a tragic knowledge be changed, feel pain, and what this pain will impulse him/her to do next. Walk the streets pregoning his madness, gibberish incompresibble gibberish that no one can understand because none has lived the same exact thing.

And I kind of get why we have left this dramatic expression from our common culture repertoire. We do not experience tragedy anymore. We experience conditions, historic demands, imperativs over the subject that are not quite the same as a tragedy in the great sense of the word. 

And of course we have this common denominator called jobs, and you can settle for a job a women, and basically you have settled for your whole life, that simple. 

You expect someday to do what you like, seeing others do their thing, their call on life, and I can only think, maybe its this creative process somethingwere jobs are not everywhere to grab, maybe you have to  have a very distinctive line or list of desirable traits, and you have only played videogames and masturbated trough your twenies. God. 

So the job is also settled. 

3. 

Nmae three hobbies that does not include an screen. 

Electronic music.

Drawing. 

Electronic music. 

Of those three name the ones that can be enjoyed in the same or similar way with a screen. 

None. 

All of them could very well be performed with screens in between. 

I need to do exercise.  

At least, at very least. 

4.

Bring that that you want into your context, it will be thousand times better than working in disney, and it may open you doors. 

5.

On finishing stuff (already strugling to finish this one). 

So the main differentiator fo the depressed person and anyone else, is probably finishing up stuff that in theory matter to you, and could bring you any happines or joy, and doing so for the sake of making yourself happy. So me asa  depressed person would rather search and in searching there is in fact a lot of doing, and life coming to me, in the mere acting of lloking out for something that will make me happy. And that would be to live, a search for something. 

So, if I can pu myself to finish stuff I can say I would be in my own path, not anyone elses, but dammn it is hard to make your own path, it is quite easy to follow some one elses path. 

Disicpline could be the big differentiator. So I do  not have to live this mere living. 

6.

Pending subjects. 

It is too painful to think of my mother not living her life at her own will because of my father. I truly hate that thought and to say that my family does not interest themselves for me doing what I like, would be painful in the sense that my mother would, and I would overall trust her advice. 

I kind of feel that I would like to help her get out of there. She should not be constrained on how she manages her life, at this stances of life, its almost like waiting for my father to die, so she can be at ease, but with my fathers death most probably the conflict with my brother will be unleashed.