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lightlycareless · 11 months

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OUGH CHAPTER 33,, this ones RICH theres so much here all of y/ns letters,, i wonder how hinata would feel if she actually got to read them?? not that she'd get through all of them before trying to break in there herself to get y/n out i imagine

NAOAKI,, calling y/n cute straight up now?? we're just straight into it there's no denying anything anymore. full on flirting out there-- good for them. and the GRAPE,, feeding her the grape,, im obsessed. hinata turning naoaki away bc of his resemblance to naoya-- i get why girl but also MAN you are missing out on the sweetest man in the world. n also the possibility of the zenin's getting pissy over hinata and naoaki talking to each other?? they are DERANGED for real its unbelievable.

mariya and tatsuro,,, i really do think she COULD tell hitomi i like to think she'd understand. and also backing herself into a corner w lying about to everyone i just can not imagine that ending well at ALL somewhere down the line

THE BOXES FULL OF RECORDS MY GODDD,,, naoya is going to give y/n a HEART ATTACK. its a thoughtful gesture but she is so (understandably!!) put off anything to do with him she just finds it creepy as fuck. it is so funny tho "there has to be another reason for his actions,, but what,," girl,,, hes trying to be nice for once this is not a murder attempt,,

and the idea that naoya's gonna eventually try to ask how she liked the gift oh MAN-- he's already gonna be torn up beyond belief over that last chapter ending (must be why we don't see him this time he's too busy crying) and to see her respond cold to like... what's probably the first real big thoughtful gift he's tried to get her?? devastating. obliterated.

this chapter is driving me insane and up the walls (in a good way) i am SO ready to see whats coming.. ur setting up for somethin big i know it,,,

Hello!!!! I’m glad you liked the bit of… lore I guess? I don’t know how to call it lol regarding Y/N’s letters! I only went through them briefly, in the aspect of what she must write and what not to keep a low profile, but never really showed what she was writing… and boy, was it sad.

Hinata would be very, very sad. Definitely. She’d first be upset, angry, quickly identifying that her letters are to set up a façade that everything is right, when it’s not. She’ll also be able to find some traces of Y/N being genuine whenever she speaks of the twins or her staff… perhaps. But overall, those clues end up being irrelevant to the fact that Y/N is in danger and needs to be taken out of there as soon as possible.

And her not caring for Naoaki…. Hahahahahah it made me laugh and a bit frustrated tbh, but how is she supposed to know?! yet OMG he's RIGHT THERE.

I did think on various occasions that her acting that way with him might’ve been... reckless, like it could’ve raised some red flags from him and be like “Hinata is acting weird” subsequentially, leading the clan to be further vigilant of her. However, Naoaki doesn’t know what’s up with his clan, and his priority is to help Y/N above anything else so… yeah. I wish she would’ve given him the benefit of the doubt and approached him, doing so on any other occasion I think, when she isn’t there for work and isn’t overworked either lol.

But yeah, she’s tired of all she’s been put through and couldn’t care less of engaging with other people as of right now. To Naoaki’s defense… Hinata didn’t talk to anyone else either, so there’s that 🤭

I’m still surprised the Zen’in weren’t lil bitches about it, they probably didn’t consider their interaction to be that important anyway—since their secrets are safely guarded… at least for now. Kind of. Hinata is still not out of their radar. Hmm. They’re probably thinking on how to not get involved in the crisis since they think so little of non-sorcerers lol.

Now onto Mariya…. I just love causing conflicts with her lmao. You could argue that she’s not doing anything… wrong per se, but man, lies and lack of communication can lead to some pretty terrible misunderstandings and that’s the least of the things I want happening between Y/N’s staff 😭 But essentially Mariya is afraid that speaking out loud of this situation might lead other members of the staff overhearing this, rumors begin to circulate around the house, and she loses her job 💀 It’s not that she doesn’t trust Hitomi, but she’d rather keep it hidden from everyone to avoid these risks. (also, the pain of having disappointed her is too much for her to even contemplate 😭 she cares too much for the sisters, and already gone through something like that with Y/N... no, I can't have her suffering 😭😭)

As for Naoaki… that freaking scene with the grape was like omg…………………………………………………… I wanted to go heavier on the subtle implications, but I was like no ma’am, Y/N pulled away from that one and I don’t think Naoaki would insist after seeing her reject his advancements sooooo maybe for another time 😊 This was also a way to show just how… bold the two had become after the whole Naobito/Naoya/Y/N thing went down, had this been before that, Naoaki would’ve never done something like that.

I can imagine Ranta watching the two from some undisclosed corner frantically hoping that Naoya won’t come out and see them lmao.

Finally… the mystery of whatever Naoya was shoving inside his pocket the chapter before is revealed!

Guess he was listening to what Y/N was telling him, however, for him to suddenly go out and buy them implies another motive behind them… or at least that’s what I intended to write 🤭 Naoya is trying something, to be nicer I guess, but without him taking accountability I don’t think there’s going to be any advancements soon. 😫 He’s still out there having some kind of war with Naoaki, when he should be focusing on Y/N and his marriage!!!!! Well, best wishes to him I guess lol.

Now… I won’t say much outside of that hehe because it will be expanded on the next chapter, it's a Naoya-centric one where we'll see what he was doing while this went down, as well as a bit of—

Anyways, thank you so much for tuning in for a new update!! The build up for the next chapter has me at edge, nervous… but excited too and I can’t wait to show you!!! (let the hype be appropriate) But for now, I shall take it easy, I got my birthday to enjoy (and this annoying cold out of the goddamn nowhere!!! To overcome)

Have a wonderful weekend, take care, and hope to see you soon!!!

#ask #ask series: first it hurts—#naoya zenin #naoya zen'in #naoya x reader #naoya zenin x reader #naoya zenin x your #jjk naoya #naoya zen'in x reader

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mandareeboo · 3 years

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ok now im curious what your most petty thing is (regarding the dp post)

Oooh boy, here we go! Buckle up fuckers this is gonna be a longer one.

My senior year of high school, I took a creative writing class. Partially because I needed to fill the slot, mostly because I wanted to improve my writing (spoiler: I did not). Now, my high school was a three floor building- first was mostly gym, second was general, and the third was senior lockers and art classes. I spent a good chunk of my schedule senior year on the second and third floor, going between an art class to my earth science (I took that one entirely as filler, but also bc I like science) to my locker and so on.

Creative writing? Creative writing was in the fucking basement. Go to the first floor, go to a corner generally used for health and development classes, to another corner, follow a ramp and some stairs, and boom there it is kind of basement. (Side note but this teacher was REALLY into attendance and would get you in trouble if you were late which was really annoying since basically no other class was in that part of the building).

My creative writing teacher wasn't bad, per se. I've had worse teachers. I had an algebra teacher who delighted in making freshman girls cry and mocking them for it. I had a journalism teacher who would use her class time reporting how Hilary was secretly ill during the election. I had a history teacher say trans people weren't real to an openly gender nonconforming student (I didn't know them well enough to ask for specifics on their alignment, but they were using they/them at that point) and set up assignments just to mock students on the take they were told to make. It was more that she was uncreative and took it out on the kids doing creative writing.

She gave us two books to read. Basically “how I write” by published authors. I don’t remember the first one well enough and I donated it ages ago, but the second was Stephen King’s “On Writing”. It was 3/4′s personal stories about his life and 1/4′s “also write a bit every day”. I mostly remember the first author bc she had those fake dreadlocks white people do when they destroy their hair and she gleefully told a story about making her son have a meltdown at a party or wedding or something bc he got overwhelmed and she wanted him to learn that “sometimes you don’t get what you want”. So. You know. Not much there.

She also instructed us to write in a journal every day, which she would check every few months or so. It had to be at least half a page. She would leave little comments in every one else’s journals when she checked them, but not mine- I realized pretty quickly she was a bit uncomfortable with LGBT+ content, so I made it my mission to make every journal drabble as gay as possible bc I was bored and she couldn’t mark them WRONG when she just stated we needed to write.

But it doesn’t end there! Through the entire class, we got exactly five writing projects. Stories that follow very specific guidelines that we would then read in front of the class, group proofread, and then have the teacher give final grades for. These things were approximately like a thousand words a piece, and I was writing out my 10,000 word “It Starts off Small” story in class when I got bored, so it wasn’t difficult.

Our first project was a character going through a difficult decision. Or... something? I honestly forget the criteria. Anyway, I was HYPE. I’d had this idea for a long time now a human choosing between peaceful death or reincarnation, and this gave me the push to write it! I had a whole thing planned with death being a deer and reincarnation being a wolpertinger (bc reincarnation leads to many possibilities, ed boy, so a Frankenstein bunny made sense to me). Anyway I poured my heart and soul into this bastard and, bright eyed and bushy tailed, handed it in. My classmates all thought it was pretty good. Not to toot m’own horn, but there was some pretty bad ones going in, so I thought I’d get a solid B or something.

I got a D. I guess the struggle was too metaphorical, or it didn’t perfectly fit her criteria. I was devastated. Then I was mad. Bc I was a bored senior who thought they’d made something pretty decent for this completely optional class and her refusal to see that really hurt me at sixteen (I was always a year younger than my other classmates, so despite being a senior I didn’t turn eighteen until almost a year after graduation)

Well, fuck it, I decided. I’m going to parody the shit out of this class.

Our next project was a fantasy story. I was bitter and grumpy. The other fantasy stories read aloud were stuff like “yeah this dude fought a wizard and got a girl, then they went home and banged” (this was not hyperbole, he would’ve written and read the smut if allowed, I knew him personally) and “this girl that NO ONE UNDERSTOOD was called CRAZY but this S@!$ cheerleader who Stole Her Boyfriend so she killed them all” (fun fact: the girl who wrote that was my age and a sort of half-friend from middle school. She was a yaoi fangirl who didn’t mind lesbians as long as they, you know, didn’t FLIRT with her or something.)

So I get up there. It’s the last day of presentations. And I present with a polite cheer. My story is about two magical shepherd type figures who are called Sister Brighten and Brother Dick as they chase down a werewolf who was drunk off his ass and accidentally bit someone else. They then revealed they were basically supernatural designated drivers for the whole town. I made Brighten mention that Dick’s name wasn’t even Richard. I titled it “His Favorite Brand is Grayhound”. It fit every single criteria. I got an A. I could tell she didn’t want to, because there was no comments or anything like everyone else’s, but she had to follow her own criteria.

Our third was a conjoined effort thing so I didn’t pull any fuckery there, but the fourth one was about common myths and spinning them into real or fake. One girl did the hook-handed door handle thing and the boyfriend ended up above his truck hanging (somehow???). I think someone did the age-old adage of a haunted wedding dress? I kind of read through those presentations.

Now, I’m salty-salty at this point. I wasn’t expecting His Favorite Brand is Grayhound to get me a good grade. I half-assed a lot of it. I am in full Not Happy Teenager at this point. I grab a daddy long leg and settle in.

My fourth story of the year is “Paperskin.”

Paperskin is about a boy named Billy with the thinnest skin membrane ever. Just full on body horror. You could see his teeth behind his lips. Billy gets bored one day and wanders out of his house, tries to kick a soccer ball, and breaks a leg. As he’s laying in the grass a daddy long leg bites him- and his skin is so flimsy the fangs sink in and he dies. I’m actually still pretty proud of Paperskin. It’s a horrifying, Edgar Allen Poe of a monstrosity, but it made people squirm, which was the point. The teacher is clearly a bit unnerved at this point, but she gives me another A.

I wrote a more “normal” story after that of a contentious objector forced to house kids going to see if any confirmed soldier deaths were any of their parents as my final one and I could feel her spite as she gave me a B.

So, yeah. That’s the story of when I tormented my creative writing teacher with The Gays and my weird ass sense of humor after she called one of my best works at that age a piece of shit.

Here’s a google drive of these bad boys, because yes I do still have these things. I turned these fuckers in for grades, people.

#Ask #Anon #Question Mandar #Life #Humor #Writing #I was a good kid I swear #I didn't make much noise and I didn't argue much #It was just this one lady

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cocogukkie · 3 years

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2020 in review: kdramas (the heart fluttering, the disappointing, the saviors of 2020)

it’s december 31st! the new year is quite literally upon us (some of y’all are already in 2021) and my procrastinating self has chosen to upload this today. i’ve always loved these rec lists and I wanted to do one for 2020! this year was a rollercoaster for kdramas with some excellent ones and some not so excellent ones. i watched all of these in 2020 but not all of them were released in 2020.

if you want to use my questions to make your own list please do!! or give your favs in the tags, i’d love to read them. (fair warning, some of these have multiple answers bc i just can’t choose one!!)

drama that made me laugh

When The Camellia Blooms (2019)

i finally got around to watching when the camellia blooms this year and it. was. so. funny. oh my goodness, the comedic timing in so many scenes was pure excellency and im kinda mad at myself that i didn’t watch this last year. this isn’t just a comedy for those who are interested, its a thriller/romance but its also so fucking funny. definitely watch this if you want to laugh (and be touched bc the emotional scenes in this one are beautiful)

drama that made me cry

Sweet Home (2020)

hahah….. um this one is gonna go to sweet home friends. i went into this one with zero expectations and the first couple episodes didn’t really wow me? but i kept watching and holy shit fam. this show really picks up story-wise around ep 4 and makes the viewer love a lot of these initially unlikable characters. all i can say is that the end was devastating for me and i cried quite a bit. (warning, there are a lot of mature themes in this one so make sure you look for trigger warnings or send me an ask and i’ll list them all out for you)

best OST

Itaewon Class (2020)

i loved the ost for itaewon class!! the music is just so inspirational and pump up music, its so good. my favorites are ‘you make me back’ by woosung and ‘start’ by gaho.

drama with chemistry royalty (aka the best couple)

i have three for this one because i just cannot choose one.

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay (2020)

we recognize this one as one of the best things to come out of 2020. go moon young and moon kang tae have some of the best chemistry i have ever seen in a drama couple. i waited on the edge of my seat every single week for the next couple of episode just so i could fawn over these two. they work so well together, lift each other up, and so fucking funny together and support one another. while they’re not the chillest couple (lmao) they’re most certainly one with the most personality. they’re so cute and bicker and they just get each other. who could ask for more.

Flower of Evil (2020)

our badass mom and dad 😭😭. this was another peak drama that came out this year and our married partners-in-crime-but-not-really had amazing chemistry. baek hee sung and cha ji won were so cute as a married couple but they were even more precious later on in the drama after certain things unfolded (no spoilers). they both just get each other and protected one another as well as on the most precious kdrama children this year, their daughter eunha. they were so wholesome, flower of evil is so very worth a watch.

Into The Ring (2020)

this was one of the more underappreciated kdramas of the year but hoo buddy was the main couples chemistry top notch. they were so friggin cute and i just couldn’t. goo se ra is highkey one of the best female characters i’ve ever seen, she’s absolute chaos, lawful chaos, but chaos nonetheless. her other half, seo gong myung is opposite from her as lawful neutral. he’s just along for the ride that is se ra and loves her. they’re both so very fond and protective of each other and back each other up!! very very cute and you’ll definitely replay more than a couple of their scenes together.

most disappointing

Record of Youth (2020)

it’s sad but true… i went into this one with so much hope and excitement (i was riding off that ‘psycho but its okay’ high) and i was vastly disappointed. the plot mostly focused on the male lead, and there wasn’t much characterization for the female lead which i didn’t like. honestly, i only cared about maybe 3-4? characters in the whole drama. the rest were absolutely terrible or plain boring and i ended up skipping eps 14 and 15 and just watched the finale. i would not recommend tbh.

drama you can’t really get through

Crash Landing on You (2019)

this one is absolutely on me, i want so badly to love this one. but i just… can’t seem to get past ep 2? i’ve tried!! i swear, but i just cannot get through it. maybe in 2021, i can try again and i’ll enjoy it more.

drama everyone else liked but was meh

Kairos (2020)

i though kairos was a bit predictable tbh. i know those of us who did end up watching it really liked it but maybe its because i watch so many crime/mystery shows that this one didn’t really do it for me. the writing is quite solid and everything connects well, i would recommend that those who don’t really watch thrillers, to watch this one. (also the friendship between the female lead and her two friends is suuuper cute and worth it alone to watch kairos)

favorite romance

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay (2020)

yeah… this one wins again lol. what can i say, i just loved it so much and the main theme of the show is romance (its also a comedy and a mental health/healing drama) all i can say is watch this if you haven’t yet, its definitely worth it!!

favorite mystery

Memorist (2020) & Watcher (2019)

i really enjoyed these two mystery dramas. both were super fun to watch and very kinda unique in their own ways. i liked memorist because it was lowkey funny and i liked the relationships between the characters, but most importantly i couldn’t guess the main antagonist by the end! i really thought i knew who it was and then i was completely wrong lmao. watcher was also very good, the main trio had really good chemistry and i really cared about all the characters. (also i’ll never say no to watching seo kang joon) plus the plot twists threw me a bit at the end which is always a feeling i welcome, i love being surprised and wrong (as long as it makes sense)

favorite slice of life

Hospital Playlist (2020)

oh my goodness, i was late to the hospital playlist party and i regret it because this show is so. so. good. its just a slice of life following 5 friends who are doctors and work at the same hospital together but its so much more than that. this is honestly one of the first shows i’ve seen that are optimistic? in the show, every time i thought a plot was going to play out a certain way (usually negatively, as tends to be life unfortunately) it surprised me by taking the more optimistic wholesome route. characters in subplots changed for the better, became more understanding, chose to do the right thing, etc. if you want a feel good drama where the main characters have wonderful platonic chemistry and just care about each other but is also super funny, watch hospital playlist!! (season 2 is coming out early 2021 and im so pumped)

favorite fantasy

The Untamed (2019)

this one is a cdrama but i watched it in 2020, mostly because of how many people on the internet were adamant that the rest of us watch this and ngl they were v right. the untamed was very very good and im really glad i gave it a chance and watched it, its also my first cdrama ever. the chemistry between the male leads is honestly what makes this show and its worth the 50? i think? episodes. to be completely honest the fanfiction for the show are peak and if you do watch this, go straight to ao3 and you will not be disappointed.

dramas that saved 2020

The Uncanny Counter (2020) & Run On (2020)

these two dramas are among those that started airing at the end of the year and will go into the beginning of 2021 and absolutely saved the end of 2020 for me. while neither of these are finished, both have been excellent so far and worth starting. uncanny counter has the best use of the found family trope i have ever seen. i fucking love the four counters and their relationship with each other, how protective they are of one another. they all have amazing chemistry and the actors have amazing chemistry in the making films.

run on has one of the cutest couples that will definitely make my best chemistry list for next year. i didn’t put them on this list bc they actually haven’t gotten together yet but once they do, they’re gonna be freaking adorable, i can already tell. there’s no specific grand events propelling the plot forward, but just following the lives of these unique, interesting and relatable people who have casual yet entertaining conversations with each other. the show is super soft and the main couple are so straightforward and honest (plus theres mutual pining!!)

best dramas of the year

here are my best dramas (and one movie) watched this year, no further explanation given lolol. just watch them and enjoy because these are fucking excellent in the feels department. trust me 💞

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay (2020)

Flower of Evil (2020)

Itaewon Class (2020)

Hospital Playlist (2020)

One Spring Night (2019)

Midnight Runners (2017)

Hot Stove League (2019)

I hope this gives you some fun stuff to watch!! or convince you to start that drama in your watchlists!

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manchesterau · 3 years

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my thoughts after reading my policeman: SPOILERSS of course!! (ignore spelling or grammar mistakes) (this is very ramble-y and not as in depth as it could have been sorrryyy lol, if you want specifics send me an ask after reading this)

okay...so i read the book in 3 days....which....im very proud of myself bc it takes me so long to finish books but that’s not why you are reading this.

im not going to lie to you...i liked the book. i love angst, and this had plenty of it and i liked it. if you like books such as: harry potter, six of crows, red queen, red white and royal blue you will not like this book. i know many people found it boring, which yeah i can see that, but i didn't find it boring at all. but mostly because i love boring books but that's beside the point.

the book flowed easily, there isn't a bunch of raunchy sex scenes that ive seen people say it has (i...the things ive read idk what book they even read????) and Tom does has backward views on marriage and what it means to be a wife. but he is not overtly sexist or misogynist or abusive, or subvertly those things either. to be frank he's a scared gay man in the 50s trying to not get caught and thrown in jail. that's literally it. (ill go more into detail on him later). but if you want to read this book i recommend you go in knowing that there will be homophobia (the word queer is used as a slur....3 times or 4 but no more than 5), expect outing, expect not supportive characters, and remember to have some compassion (more on this later).

next i want to go into characters: starting with tom, then Marion, then Patrick, and then the other characters. so if you are planning on reading this book or just dont want to be spoiled them....don't read the next bit.

Tom:

I'm going to get this out of the way.........Tom (who we never get to know outside of the two-point of views we are presented with, and who is being played by Harry) is a police officer in the 50s UK. to be frank when the rumors first went around I was mad like a lot of people were, which is funny because when we got those pictures of harry reading the book before all the speculation we were....happy, that he was reading a book about a gay man. now...I don't care honestly. I could call out the hypocrites (i won't) and honestly I'm hypocritical myself. I use to watch shows like svu (if you were to turn it on right now I wouldn't turn it off) and I enjoyed watching svu. I know and have seen a lot of mutuals, people on my dash enjoy cop shows like b99, or who like actors who have played the character of police before. so it would be hypocritical of me to be mad at him (this is just my single black opinion) and then go and turn on svu (which I don't do anymore).

I'm not saying that no one can be mad, I'm not saying that the anger people have at him playing this role is bad or not needed or valid. all I'm saying is.....is that I don't care. I got angry over this months ago, and all that anger I felt I don't have anymore, and I can't tell you why. Harry is playing an abusive demented husband who traps his wife in a simulation, and then he will play a gay policeman trying not to face persecution..........and that's that. nothing I can say will reach him, he's playing these roles and there is nothing I can do. will I watch them (pirating of course) yes.

anyways let's get back to tom's character (do not use my opinion to silence other black people I will find you....don't do that shit weirdo): tom is......tom?? like I literally was expecting the worst when I read this because of what other people had to say. but as I'm reading him through the eyes of Marion (his wife) and through the eyes of Patrick (his...true love, fuck the 50s I hate the 50s) one word came to mind constantly: scared. Tom is very scared that he will be found out and his life will be ruined. His family knows about him, which is why I think his father (more on him later) pushed him to be in the national service (where he was a cook, which disappointed him). you don't realize his family knows and then his sister says something and then you go 'wait....THEY KNEW???' and then you will go 'oh so that's why-'

tom does have old fashion views that you would expect of any man at that time (gay or not it's the 50s and gay men are still capable of saying sexist shit). when asked by Patrick if women should still work after having a kid he said no it's the men's job to provide, Marion said she would like to keep working, he said no when they do have a baby (they literally never did, and idk why he thought he could be intimate with her for that long to produce a baby lol). that's....the most sexist thing he said in the whole book (there maybe some small things im forgetting but nothing that really stood out). that's it. I know it's not small and that was a legitimate issue in the 50s but yeah. Just in case you were apprehensive about Tom's character being a raging woman-hater, no,....he just wasn't a true feminist yet (???? I don't know that's like..the most this book says about an issue women were facing at this time). It's still bad what he said (you'll see how Marion justifies it in the book and both Patrick and her don't agree and try and challenge him on his view).

i dont want to go too in depth but it is very obvious from the beginning he has no and i mean ZEROOOO interest in her at all (you can tell when it hits him that he needs a wife and he starts to act a littleee different but it's not romantic at alll).

i feel like my review on tom is shit but like!! we don't really get to know him without bias from Patrick and Marion. I think Harry will play a wonderful Tom (even tho he doesn't not fit the description for Tom...at all....like at alllll).

To summarize Tom: very scared gay man from the 50s who is trying to do everything he can to not be found out. his family knows, even he knew at a young age, and yes he does quit being a police officer but it doesn't happen as soon as id like but then again he wasn't one for that long if you pay attention to the years.

Marion:

😑

i just...if yall could see the notes i made on her.....

To summarize Marion: SHE IS LIVING IN LALA LAND, TOM LITERALLY SHOWS HER NO ROMANTIC INTEREST AT ALLL, AND WHEN SHE METS PATRICK FOR THE FIRST TIME SHE FREAKING NOTICES THAT HE'S ALL BLUSH-Y AND SHIT LIKE...GIRL.....

this is a note i wrote that sums up her and tom's relationship (which is more like friends then anything romantic i mean god their honeymoon was horrible and he proposed to her....nvm 😑)

listen...i can't lie and say i didn't feel sorry for her up until the end when she (spoilers: she outs patrick to his employer which ends up with him getting arrested). after that...ive never hated a character more in my fucking LIFEEEE like oh my god i was pissed

all she does is have fantasies about him being romantic with her (holding hands, hugging, etc) and none of them come true...BECAUSE HES GAYYYYYY i really....the author could have done a better job because there were so many damn red flags.

she's fucking annoying and whiny and yeah it sucked to be a woman in the 50s but you literally outed someone your husband was in love with and thought that you could just go back to being married like he's not devastated and instead of telling what you did you stayed unhappy and made your husband thing that at any point they were coming for him too.......*****

Patrick:

PATRICKKKKK

Patrick and tom deserved a fighting fucking chance i hate the fuck 50s fuck you 50s!!!! I absolutely LOVEDDD his pov and seeing Tom through his pov like it was just so damn refreshing seeing the world through his eyes and how he navigates his queerness in the society they live in. (the dichotomy between a proud gay man and a scared maybe proud but fear overrules that (talking about Tom here) gay man).

There was a lot more to say on how gay men were being persecuted at this time than how women were treated in this particular book. There were some little things here and there about what was expected of Marion as a wife and of a girl/woman at that time but it wasn't the focus.

I loved seeing the way Patrick navigated through his world of art and creativity. And how Tom seemed to fit right in with him.

I hate the things the author made Patrick go through (outed, sent to prison, stripped of his job, and later on in the present day he has had 2 strokes in his 70s). it felt a bit much but it's not too distracting (Patricks pov takes place in the past as he writes in his journal).

Patrick and Julia (more on her later) are my two favorites in the whole book (Tom is third bc he's a very multi-facted character, Marion is not even on the list) and I wish we got a lot more of Patrick's pov.

Other characters!! (speed round bc this is wayyy too long):

Syvlie (Tom's sister): SYVLIEEE IM MAD AT YOUU I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WHYY WHYYY

Julia: JULIAAAAA QUEEENNN (you'll see why i love her at the end)

Tom's parents: his father is abusive point-blank. or at least i think he's abusive (verbally). as im writing this i am now realizing that the way Tom's mom reacts to him (sometimes crying) is bc they knew he was gay omg wow.

tom's dad is very much a man's man guy?? Picture a sexist man from the 50s....now picture him with a gay son.....yeah, I'm not surprised Tom went into national service then to the police force. you can tell he didn't want anyone to find out about Tom so he pushed him to do what he thought best and Tom went with it, scared.

overall: please do not go into this book expected things to be all flowers and rainbows...this is a book about two gay men in the 50s yall.....

there is something to be said about the tragedy that is in a lot of queer stories, I'm more interested in how white these stories are (that's a rant for another time). but I don't mind my policeman, and i think stories like this should be told. because this actually happened (here is a link to em forster's story where the author takes inspiration from, he really had an affair with a policeman!!! who had a wife!!!).

the ending is bittersweet, and i couldn't help but curse for what could have been. Marion could have not outed Patrick (which she instantly regretted), she could have gotten a divorce (she even contemplated it), they could have been more secretive, Julia could have not said what she said. I think Patrick and Tom were sadly doomed from the start, I just wish they had more time together because I loved seeing their love (the little glimpse we got) bloom into something bigger than them.

thank you for reading!! here are random screenshots of my notes as i read this lol enjoy!!

can’t*

#*#my policeman #godd this book...i cant wait for the movie #mp

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horde-princess · 4 years

Note

What are your thoughts on what Catra said while being chipped, specifically the "you broke my heart" and "but you have already hurt me" bits?

“what are my thoughts” 😭😭 bro..its just incoherent screaming how do i even talk about thiskljdf

first i guess lets finish the lines bc what she says is

-“you broke my heart, but prime has made it whole again.”

-“but you have already hurt me. prime has set me free of that pain.”

she’s repeating what horde prime put in her head because earlier we heard him say “i saw her mind, so ensnared in rage, and grief, and pain... and i brought her to the light.”

its clearly intended to be reminiscent of conversion therapy i.e. using religion to manipulate someone into denying their sexuality. i dont think ive ever actually talked about this specifically but .. oh my god i cant even articulate this.... fuck ok its like, catra had just sacrificed herself in 5x03 and that was her big moment of “i’m done denying what i feel, i’m ready to be a better person and face the fact that ive loved adora this whole time” .. its an amazing achievement for her character, and what’s her reward for it? for finally opening her heart back up after a lifetime of abuse and abandonment? she gets stripped of her desires completely.

god it’s so devastating. its a culmination of everything she’s been through, one final trial where she’s given what she thought she wanted, freedom from her heartbreak--she gets to taste what that feels like--and now she has to fight against it. she has to fight for love and all the pain that comes with it because she’s seen the alternative and its terrifying and now she knows what she truly wants.

ldkjf sorry making myself cry anyway.. what was the question. oh yeah

it was necessary for both adora and the audience to hear catra straight up say that the reason she “hated” adora was that she broke her heart. it puts the show and their relationship back into perspective bc otherwise youd be like “why is adora even willing to forgive her” but its because all adora ever wanted was to protect catra and now she’s being confronted by the fact that she is the one who hurt catra the deepest. not just that but she’s hearing catra say that she’d rather give up her free will than continue suffering the heartbreak adora caused her. and even if its not true it’s just so.. AAHHH . it’s adora’s worst nightmare. not least because catra’s passion and individualism is what i believe really drew adora to her in the first place.

similar to how this was a culminating ep for catra, it is for adora too, because though she doesnt often show her emotions her guilt about leaving catra behind was an ever present motivation for her and here she faces the full consequences of that..... its like. she first left catra because of she-ra, bc she was manipulated into being a hero/martyr for evil people, and its only when she finds her way back to catra that she discovers her true identity, a hero who gets her power from love not self-immolation. and in order for that to have happened she had to face her past mistake of leaving catra behind unthinkingly.... i’m. i just. im blacking out goodnight save the cat deserves an oscar

#asks/replies #she ra #meta #noelle tweeted that they rewrote the script for it like 800 times and i for one?? would like to see the other 799?????

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littlebigafterdark · 3 years

Text

patton's asthma attack and finally agreeing to try therapy

content warnings: hurt/comfort, detailed description of asthma attack, very brief mention of past eating disorder, crying (i always hav that tho)

i copy pasted this from mine and livs discord convo so thats why it might be formatted weird and i swear a lot also if you see "hhh yeah" then thats liv commenting hshshsh

patton has had a cough the past few days because BASICALY since priscilla (remys cat) visited hes been more breathless with his asthma but he didnt tell anyone bc he doesnt want to worry them or make it so vee never get to see priscilla again if she cant visit anymore

so his asthma is acting up but he ignores it - and hes had asthma cough for a couple days (which is a sign of an incoming asthma attack) but again hes ignoring it, hes so used to brushing off symptoms he doesnt click what it means and he diesn ttake his inhaler when he needs it

WAAAHH oh fuck oh my god oh god wait fuck i just realised

the moment patton gets his asthma attack its saturday afternoon, roman is little and playing with logan and vee isnt quite little yet but fae's on faer way there, fae is very giggly and playful and patton says "okay babygirl, lets go get you changed!"

and when he gets up from the couch he takes a moment to cough and just stand still a sec bc he got suddenly dizzy but he pushed through it to not worry vee, and he actually usually lifts her onto his hip straight away, but this time he very subtly is like "okay hold daddys hand while we walk to the stairs"

so they get to the stairs and patton of course lifts vee up, and theyre only a few steps up when pattons breathing gets really heavy. it makes vee frown and look at him and say "daddy am i heavy?"

and patton smiles and shakes his head, because hes too breathless to speak. but he pushes through and hurries up as fast as possible

once theyre at the top of the stairs, patton is wheezing. his chest is rattling and whistling and he suddenly loses his smile and quickly hurries away from the stairs to place vee gently on the hallway floor, and as soon as vee is safe patton wobbily sinks to his knees and leans his head against the wall. his eyes shut tight trying so so hard to breath but its realy whistly now

and vee of course panics. "dady? papa are you okay??" and whimpers when patton doesnt react and clutches at his chest

and it throws her out of her semi regression. she jumps up and hurries downstairs, a little wobbily but ultimately fine. and she speints to where logan and riman are and yells "daddys h havin a panic attack!" and instantly starts crying

logan and roman were in the middle of a game and smiling and laughing but as SOON as they hear that they jump into action. logan runs out of the room to go to patton and roman grows up and runs to vee and lifts her up to shush her cries and calm her down - they dont even share a single look before they do this, they both just instinctively know what to do

and logan of course finds patton and realises its an asthma attack not a panic attack - he goes into his emergency like emotionless mode where he just gets the job done. he asks clearly where patton keeps his inhaler and patton just shakes his head. so logan alarmed asks "you dont have a reliever inhaler??" and patton winces and shakes his head again.

logan sprints to his room into his bedside drawer to find tthe inhaler he keeps for emergencies double checking it hasnt expired

he sits with his legs around patton, patton leaned back agains his torso, and puffs pattons inhaler for him and times the attack and the puffs (knowing that if it isnt better after ten puffs and fifteen minutes they have to call an ambulance) and using his own deep breaths against pats back to help him recalibrate his breathing

luckily it only lasts 8 and a half minutes and 8 puffs - but logan is so so shaken about the fact that that was very close to requiring medical assistance, he had his ohone out ready to dial 911

once pattons attack is over he's finally breathing, short and deep at first gasping in the oxygen, but within a few more minutes of sitting against logan it slows down and is much calmer. hes very shaky because the reliever inhaler does that to you, and weak from the tax on his body, so logan helps him up into their nearest bedroom (pattons)

at first he calls roman to swap places with him and watch over patton hust so logan can change vee into a diaper since she regressed from fear as soon as roman picked her up and obv he cant change her diaper

so roman sits with patton while logan does that and roman is actually really quiet and awkward and nervous, just looking wide eyed at patton and hugging himself.

and patton feels bad abt that and whispers "its okay little prince, daddys not hurt. im sorry for scaring you, honey" and roman just chews his lip and nods and looks down and they dont talk again until logan is back and roman goes out to take care of vee and logan comes in to lie with patton and rub his chest soothingly

logan is distressed and frustrated and shaken at that point but he knows not to have their conversation until the next day bc patton will be emotionally and physically exhausted

but the next day they have a serious talk - logans pretty ANGRY that patton was so ignorant of his wellbeing that he didnt refill his inhaler, patton brushes it off but logan says its a good thing he secretly kept one for patton (bc he almost suspected this might happen)

it rly hits patton when logan tells him if he had needed anymore puffs than he took they wouldve had to phone an ambulance - like patton not wanting to worry his family by admitting his asthma was acting up backfired way more and has made them worry even more because he had a full attack that could have gone so much worse

the whole conversation is VERY stern and serious even at the start when patton smiles and chuckles and jokes and brushes it off logan just gets frustrated and upset. logan is SO angry literally he is glaring at patton when patton brushes it off and makes jokes abt it and he snaps.

logan actually very seriously tells patton this is self harm and patton goes WHAT nonono no its not i dont know why youre getting so worked up

and logan fucking SNAPS like "Youre not giving your body what it needs to survive because you dont think your worth that!! you're neglecting your basic needs to the point of needing urgent medical care, doesnt that sound familiar??? doesnt that sound like something we've both been through before???" clearly referencing his eating disorder

and pattons eyes go wide and he profusely apologises hes like im so sorry oh my gosh logan honey im sorry did i trigger you im sorry and logans just like STOP APOLOGISING this isnt about me its about you!

and he sso angry bc he thought they trusted each other but the fact that patton didnt tell him when he literally couldnt breathe is so scary to logan

but that is basically an argument bc logan was so fucking worried and devastated that patton has ignored his health to such an extent and vee gets nervous bc both her and roman can hear them yelling and she thinks the cgs will breakup bc they "had a fight"

but once theyre finished talking and vee shakily asks if theyre not gonna be a family anymore they'll of course comfort faer and talk abt it, its not a fight its a disagreement and mummys and daddys have those sometimes. theyre still a family and they still love each other very very much. they all soend their family day together as usual, though patton isnt as able to get up and play with roman understandably

also the fact this all comes around the same week patton and logan tell vee that janus wants to babysit, thats why patton has been absent from the blog recently i guess bc hes been keeping busy trying to work through his feelings of janus wanting to come in

hhh yeah... the way it lines up to patton's other insecurities abt janus coming into the family and it all just piles on too much all at once

so on monday morning logan goes with patton to get more inhalers and they actually stay out for while like they go to a forest or smth just to be alone and help patton recenter a little - he's always loved being in nature, it really brings him a lot of peace, being in nature is really the best way to keep patton grounded from his dissociation, thats why hes always gardening

and logan doesnt want to be angry at him and he knows patton needs support and comfort atm even is patton doesnt think he does so they have a calm day just being together and logan trying to remind patton that hes there for him

HHH stop bc they YEAH bc they kinda had a fight even though it did get 'resolved' but they needed to take time to reconnect their energies and like show each other (and specifically logan show patton) that their love is still secure and their friendship is still strong - just the quiet care of logan taking patton somewhere they can just be alone without responsibilities

secretly patton was rlly upset that logan got angry with him but he didnt show it but logan KNOWS him and he knows he needs to fix it with queality time (pats love lang) because pattons been alone a lot recently, its just been that he keeps busy and accidentaly distanced himself bc the others would all be busy and hanging out in some way and he fet a bit abandoned but yeah logan is dedicating the whole day to him

and patton does end up talking abt his inner turmoil a little but not until theyre like in the middle of the forest and hes a lot calmer and theres no one around, he just feels so much calmer and safer in nature to open up like that.

and this is when patton tells logan about his worries about janus becoming closer to vee, and how its lovely for them but what if it hurts vee, what if they dont get along, what if they DO get along and vee wants to move back with janus. Logan doesnt say anything to the worries, he knows patton just needs to blurt them out while he can, while it mixes with the sounds of nature.

then patton mentions quietly that dr picani phoned him a couple weeks ago and told him that he would like to offer patton a trial session of therapy - not with vee, just patton. logan very calmly asks if that sounds like sometnging that might be helpful for patton and patton just giggles nervously "um i dont know. Vee has therapy"

logan frowns. "yes she does. but that doesnt mean you cant have it too, if you would like it"

patton goes quiet and looks anxious, scratching at the moss on the log theyve sat down on. so logan takes his hand and looks very earnestly at him and says gently "i would like you to at least accept the trial session. It is your decision but... i think it might be worth a try"

patton nods a little, just looking at their intertwined fingers. and after a long silence where they can just hear the birds tweeting and the wind rustling the leaves and small animals scurrying along the grass, patton finally looks up at logan and breathes "i'll go to therapy"

and when patton says that out loud suddenly his eyes well up and he sees logan smile at him - a little sad and a lot proud - and feels his hand squeeze and the tears just dont stop coming and he hides his eyes but laughs nervously like haha dont know why im crying this is so silly! but logan doesnt say anything to it, he just pulls patton into his side and rests his head on pattons head...

and patton keeps trying to laugh and joke but its so choked and sad and nervous and wet and logan wraps his other arm around patton too and just grntly whispers "pumpkin, its okay if youre not happy right now."

and patton just starts sobbing into logans shoulder and logan holds him so tight as they sit on the log

patton cant cope with silence when its about him yknow, he couldnt handle logan not laughing or tutting at his jokes so he just kept joking until logan insisted its ok to be sad

so once they get home logan sits with pstton while he phones dr picani and books his first solo therapy session for friday morning

#papa patton #asthma attack tw #do not reblog #little big after dark concepts

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bfkunimi · 3 years

Text

♡ helloo, so i said i was feeling better but i got sad again and ended up writing a long chapter lol hope you guys are liking this series, it’s been ironically comforting for me to write this so please love it a lot!

pairings: Kuroo x Tsukishima, Tsukishima x Yamaguchi, Kuroo x Kenma

genre: angst, hanahaki disease au, pain

warnings: will make you cry, made me cry lol, hospital setting, cheating, thoughts of suicide

notes: hanahaki disease: a fictional disease born from unrequited love, where the patient’s throat will throw and cough up petals and flowers. but this isn’t a typical hanahaki au, in this story.. the main character (in this case it’s kuroo) finds out that his partner (aka tsukki) doesn’t love him anymore because he started developing the disease.

if you want to be added to the taglist just send me an ask! ♡

𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯 | 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟒. 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝, 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬, & 𝐩𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐬 | 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭

kenma was right when he said he’ll be with me always. he hasn’t left my side ever since i was brought here, and it’s already been two weeks.

luckily he brought all his chargers for his phone and game consoles, so at least he wont be bored. but im sure he’s sick of this.

who knows how long i’ll be here in the hospital, im honestly not getting any better. everyday it gets harder to breathe, every time i cough it feels like my throats being ripped off my neck, and there’s always this heavy feeling in my chest. almost like there’s a gaping hole in it.

there’s still no sign from kei. but i know when kenma thinks im asleep, he calls him to give him updates everyday. most of the time kei doesn’t answer, but kenma still always leaves him a voicemail.

that thought. it still hasn’t left my mind.

as more days pass, the more i want to do it. it’s so tempting, the thought’s so addicting. maybe this is my cure.

the sweet relief of death.

these past two weeks, i’ve been thinking of how i’ll do it. it’s kind of impossible because kenma never leaves my side, he doesn’t sleep much but when he does it’s a small window. i have an idea bu-

“tetsu..”

me and kenma look up at the same time, seeing kei at the door.

“kenma, can me and kuroo talk privately?”

“mhm” kenma looks at me sincerely, squeezes my hand, and mouths “i’ll be back” while smiling at me. i smile back at him and he then steps outside.

kei looks so good. i fucking missed him so much. i'm glad he’s finally here.

but as sits where kenma was, the first thing i see is a ring on his finger.

my heart stopped. god can this get any worse?

he catches me staring at it. he meets my eyes and says, “that’s actually why i came today.”

“kei.. don’t.. please.” i'm begging him to not say it.

he takes my hand, sighs, looks into my eyes and says...

“im here to say my final goodbye to you.. me and tadashi got engaged recently and i think it wouldn’t be fair to you to keep you hanging or lead you into thinking we still have a chance to be together again. this is why i havent been visiting or contacting you.”

im starting to feel that hole in my chest again.

“i know i’m a dick for doing all this, but i know you’re already suffering enough and i don’t want to make you feel any worse. that’s why i asked kenma to take care of you for me, i know you two share a special bond since you were kids and that kenma would do anything for you. so i thought it was perfect. he’s been giving me updates on you everyday but later im gonna ask him to stop. me and tadashi decided to move back to miyagi and start our life together there. im sorry for saying this tetsu but this will be the last time you’ll see me.”

it’s getting emptier.. and emptier..

“i want to start fresh with tadashi and being here in tokyo, won’t help any of us. even you. i want you to be healthy and recover from this, so please forget about me. find someone new or just focus on yourself and your goals, but don’t hold on to me. it will only make you worse. but thank you for everything for these past five years. thank you for loving me wholeheartedly and for always being there for me. i’ll never forget our time together. just please take care for me okay? do everything you can to overcome this hanahaki disease, recover and live happily, it’s the one thing i ask of you.”

it feels like he’s stabbing me.

he pulls me in for a hug, and i grab onto him tight not wanting to let go.

but i love the pain.. i love him. fuck I can't live without him..

“i love you kei, please.. don’t go..”

he pulls away from the hug and looks at me for the last time.

“goodbye tetsu, im sorry.”

he leaves and tries to find kenma.

blood, tears and petals scatter the bed, as i cough and bawl my eyes out.

- kenma’s pov -

(bolded italicized is kenma’s internal responses to tsukki)

“can you just leave and live your life the way you want?” god im so fucking pissed, how could do that to kuroo?

“leave kuroo alone. and don’t bother coming back to his life because you’re the sole reason why he’s suffering right now. if you care about him even a little bit, don't lead him on, don’t give him hope, just cut him off.” he’s probably devastated right now, ah i gotta check on him.

“it’s what's best for him.” right after i deal this shithead.

he grabs my hand and says, “okay i will, but please do me a favor.”

“take care of him for me? don’t ever let him go.” i will never be like you

“never. i would never make that mistake.” bc unlike you i love him so much

he finally left.

ugh kuroo doesn’t deserve that jerk, he threw him away when he needed him the most. i cant leave him alone, i need to stay by his side. but...

he’s gone. as i walk back into his room, all i see is an empty bed, nothing but blood, tears, and petals.

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transgaysex · 3 years

Text

actually i have some thoughts. but im putting them under a cut bc idk how to feel abt them.

since my grandmother passed away monday night ive been talking to my gay cousin and my siblings and just reflecting on some stuff and im a bit lost on how to feel.

my gay cousin as well as a few other cousins of mine have had some. thoughts that i guess is their way to experience grief and ive just been upset at them a bit. and im not sure how to feel about it because maybe its the way ive been trying to aim my mentality in general in a more positive direction but im still ! upset ! at what theyve been saying !! like i know people can feel anger with grief (and considering i dont let myself feel anger maybe thats why i dont get it) but i still think theyve. been really mean.

like i understand. i loved my grandma dearly. she raised me until i was 4 and moved to canada and she and my grandpa have protected me and loved me the way i wish my parents did, and im very upset that she passed. im very much so devastated and heartbroken and its taking me everything i have not to cry right now but. that doesnt excuse putting hateful messages on ur facebook page blaming your parents and uncles for your grandmothers death. which is what my cousins have been doing. and it makes me so angry. my own father, even when he didnt have covid anymore, risked getting infected again just to go and take care of my grandma in her last moments. as much as i detest my aunt V with my whole being, she also traveled to Peru in order to take care of my grandma for the nearly 6 months she would spend there. its cruel to try to pin my grandmas death on them when theyve done their best to help her get better and did everything they could to accompany her last moments and let her not die lonely. my cousins love talking big shit but what did they do ? being there, in peru, living minutes away from my grandma and completely capable of going to visit her, why didnt they ? why do they have the audacity to say that those who tried their best to save her made it worse, or that they did nothing at all ??

who are they helping feel better by saying cruel words like these ? do they even feel better themselves saying that ?

i dont know. i really just dont understand. i know i dont feel emotions normally because im just fucking ill or whatever but this whole time i havent found it in me to be angry. and i know im no better than my cousins. but i just. i just hope they can heal soon.

#wind howls #death #covid #idk these thoughts have just been circling around my head these past couple of days.#i kinda expected that some of my cousin might start throwing blame and shit because theyve been raised competitively #but we arent really like that in my family so i guess thats another reason why i dont understand why they do.#idk i still dont understand this whole situation and it hurts to think about so i dont. i really just hope they heal soon #i know i started my own healing. and i know slowly but surely im making progress even if its just distracting myself #and i can only hope the best for the rest of my family. because this all just fucking sucks for everyone

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akaeijis · 4 years

Text

last olympian thoughts

i reread this last night so my thoughts are a bit messed up but i have to mention how BEAUTIFULLY intertwined all the stories / character arcs in this book are

as a kid i loved this book bc i was just. styx. battle. percy telling the gods to be actual parents and realizing he's not important. i was like this book is genius BUT upon reread... its even better than i remembered? it combines percy annabeth luke nico rachel hermes may hestia hades ethan and the oracle SO profoundly...

percy and his self-importance (lol) and coming to terms to trust annabeth / truly understand the story / realize he is not the true chosen one

luke and hermes; how hermes cares for luke and may and how much he wanted for percy to trust luke AND may’s story

ethans eventual sacrifice as well

nico and him finding more about his mom

annabeth’s struggle with luke and her decision at the end to stop percy with janus hinted at (also hints abt hera hating her which leads to HoO)

percy and nico’s meeting of hestia and eventually prometheus and hope

rachel saying that percy isn’t the hero

ALL lead to the climax at the end; percy giving the knife to luke who was the true hero at the end, percy had to understand nico, luke, ethan, annabeth TO understand what to do at the end; give the knife to luke and give the gods their oath

im kinda sad that thalia didn't have a big role in the end bc i believe her and luke were the solid connection, but ig annabeth had to play the role bc of the knife

i loved the battles and the descriptions fdkasf i love the ingenuity the seriousness in this essay

SILENA AND CLARISSE ahhh i weep everytime it was so good and clarisse w ares’ blessing and chris just watching his gf and going ‘she’ll get tired eventually’ lol

and every death was... so sad and sacrificial? beckendorf, michael, and silena were the biggest ones and it impacted me so much?

parts i cried were with nico’s mom, silena, michael, beckendorf, and luke, and nico in general

ALSO nicos sense of humor and happiness :( i just... love nico sm and my moments of peace was nico playing w mrs oleary

AND AHHH percy and annabeth’s fight when they were in the room and eventually annabeth says ‘YES, you’re a coward percy jackson’ i just. i felt so. strongly about that. i loved how their relationship was an undertone during the war . i just. loved that conversation bc annabeth didn't know if percy would tell her bc she thought percy was going to die...

also when they were talking by the boardwalk i was just so :,) ahh i got emo ... percys descriptions abt annabeth.... WHEN percy said they saved olympus but all that mattered that she was next to him i cried a little... anyway... the underwater kiss his differently... when i was little the most romantic part of the book was when annabeth touched percys achilles heel and they were talking abt the poison but as an adult i loved their first argument, saving olympus, and the boardwalk talk more... :(

anyway the most important part of the book is luke luke is good i don't care what u say i think luke made me cry the most which is why again the luke-annabeth-thalia unit was important .. and yah bc as an adult i sympathize with him more and i just. love him. i understood him from the start more now as an adult and reading his arc and hermes’ statements... in this essay luke is very important bc the gods ARE shitty

percy and his self importance lol like. he thought nico was going to kill him in the battle of labyrinth and then he was the hero in the last book and got devastated i think its funny he's so dumb

i loved that it was percy and luke (parallels), annabeth, and grover at the end battle just like the first book as they were the only heroes truly introduced and it ended that way sad tho that thalia wasn't there

anyway i love this book... percy.. annabeth... luke... nico...

i love this series and it was so fun to reread idk if i can say the same abt hoo but i miss leo so :/ but im starting a draft for my rewrite

anyway i love this book

#the last olympian #pjo #percy jackson #luke castellan... very important to me #things i didnt pick up as a child?#especally the culmination of nico rachel percy luke #chefs kiss #all the percabeth esp the fight ? i think the fight #may be my favorite moment

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brokenhayatim · 3 years

Text

exhale

idk how long this is gonna be but it goes a little something like this. you ever been so afraid of failing that you just procrastinate and avoid for so long? each day you tell yourself you’ll finally suck it up and push through but the fear and anxiety are almost so paralyzing you don’t even wanna go near the task.

i’s just been months..like maybe even five at this rate. i tell myself to start the clock the day i graduated but i know the truth. the last year-ish was my idkwhatimdoingwithmylifeohmygod era and i just thought i passed it with a bit more advice and options. but it’s like it was all almost pretty bubbles and they just popped so long ago that i’m lost and confused and afraid and nervous and all of that is so ridiculous, it embarrasses me. i’m not really that lazy but i say it to try and explain alot, i think. or i say that i’m just relaxing or something, when i know everyday my thoughts are always on this same thing and never being good enough to get through the rut. it wasnt till i was on a walk, voice memo-ing a friend and the anxiety just peeked through a bit and i was hearing my own thoughts aloud like ....thats true? and i’m told to not be afraid and to just let whatever happens happen if it’s best for me and i know that but i also dont?

everyday i constantly think about deleting every single social media app i’m on bc i feel this heavy weight of uselessness and incompetence. why couldn’t i have learned things like this person or been more out there like that person?what’s wrong with me? and i begin to rationalize it with my childhood and how i was raised and it never is fulfilling. it’s constantly not enough, nothing about me is. i’m not creative at all and what i can do, so many can do better and so why would anyone actually pick me? even the things and issues i’m passionate about, what do i really know? even my knowledge seems so below average and it’s confusing and stressful. i feel like if someone asked me a question about anything right now that i’ve just forgotten everything important and couldn’t even articulate a proper response. and i wanted to be an activist??? since i have to interview for jobs online now bc the pandemic it’s made me so nervous. i feel most in my element during in person interviews and i say that as someone that’s also awkward and nervous in the room. but i’m more anxious of the constant string of rejections i know i’m gonna receive now bc i can barely speak english and there’s nothing special about me at all. at least in person, i can smile and make it less weird. and i connect so much better that way, which loosens me up .000009% more. it’s really babyish i guess bc everyone is adjusting and i’m just not. and i thought i was with everything but i guess i really wasnt. and coming home everytime makes me fall back into this person i dont like ad i get so sluggish (my sister says its the trauma) and i dont know bc one day she’s waking up in florida and being a good semi productive human and the next she’s back in new york and its many low days and nerves. honestly the way this house sucks the life out of me, i dont even think i’d be good at any remote job. it’s kinda the reason half my brain is pushing the dead part bc i want to leave. be more self-sufficient and alone again. but where and how, you know? obvs im gonna need a job for that. it’s just this domino effect and i’m scared to push the first one and it’s annoying and i hate it goddaammit. the moment i came home, i just have always felt unworthy and other to my family. like they don;t care, like they’re not proud, like i’ve done nothing these past years and that’s my fault for not being an open book like the rest.

i’m gonna have to edit this bc i will not remember 87 months worth of pandemic thoughts into this post right now but. i tell myself i came home and decided to take a break for a bit, or focused on my health and appointments, but really..i dont know. i think i say it to justify all these hollow days of disappointment, which it never does. i’m afraid to ask for help or even a nice job recommendation from my last employer bc all i can think about is that it’s been months and what have i been doing this whole time? and i think they’ll ask that or think ??? now ??? and i get in my head. i know its not illogical and the worst anyone can say is no and yada yada but ugh this is why i hate my mind and just overthinking ... or not thinking?? who knows. i’m constantly letting myself down but .., i dont want anyone to know that. does that make sense. maybe i have this need to be superficial and make my life seem so nice and good and right bc i never see myself as that and i worry of people’s opinions and crave affirmations.

the first appt i had coming home was my neurosurgeon one and my dad and him sort of just had this rushed timeline in their heads of how i would go into the ER one day soon and bam its done. i didnt wanna think about that so i tried to focus on my job stuff .. then got stressed so i just started scheduling the appointments i needed. then stopped and did more work stuff. then the secretary called me like ???? u havent done these exams yet and i was like yeah uhhh. bc when i do them it’s one step closer to doing the surgery and i know i want the surgery i’m just getting in my head again and don’t want it to be now. my sister told me to make sure i let her know when i choose a date and i was like mhm i wanna finish the job stuff and get my life sorted first and she was just ???? what ?? this is clearly more important. but here’s the kicker. i went on a walk the other day and just cried coming to terms with it all bc honestly i still dream of not making it out alive and a part of me thinks, at least if i did this one thing right and found a job and all that, that it would okay what happens next. like at least i was successful in that one thing. i think about how unworthy and unproud i am of myself and for months now, just felt like this would be a beautifully cowardice way out. and i think about the after, and cant even imagine strong devastation and sorrow. is that strange? like i expect everyone to just go on. bc i’m a simple buffer with no real purpose left. i walk and think about dreams and hopes and what i would miss and just one thing that make me call this entire fantasy completely insane and i just draw blank. so i cry because, of course. this fantasy isn’t new either, since last year i’ve been speaking to my therapist and writing about it. we would speak of suicide and i always respond like that’s a huge no bc of my religion but i say, i think about if something went wrong and that was it, how i want it to be like that. take the pressure, take the blame, take it all off me in a way. and some days i’m scared that i’ll wake up in the hospital bed after and be in pain and coddled and annoyed by the attention i’m only getting bc of that pain. and i dont want you to be here just because of the pain but i feel like you’re here only because of that. that you came, that you’re seeing me, that you care only because of it. so what am i without it? just back to nothing? the headaches were lonely but i feel less lonely with this diagnosis, like i have something good about me, worthy about me. something that makes me important to someone, even if it’s the neurologist that wants my money. to be real, i dont even think i care about the pain leaving as much as the fact that i can’t label myself as this person with chronic pain. like even if i was cured and oo lala all better, a part of me would still want to have this neuro condition. like ?? i was thinking: imagine beating cancer and feeling better but wanting to say .. and then realized the key difference. with that you survive, you are survivor. even if it’s gone that who you are. when this leaves me, i’m nothing and i’ll just go back to being nothing. no one says u survived brain surgery or survived a brain condition. it’s just done and forgotten. there’s nothing exciting about my life other than my mri visits i swear. i decided to do the surgery bc it would be stupid of me not to, and i’m still holding back, still unsure of even a set month. i just know i didnt want to follow covid rules of 1 visitor bc i know it would be one of my parents and i would jump out the window myself. but covid isnt rlly going away so is that the best excuse i have? i havent thought past these appointments and its almost like im doing it all for the wrong reasons, like enjoying it rather than wanting it to help me. i dont know.

unrelated but a song that always makes me cry and is actually the song i was listening to when i had that panic attack on the plane: finally by james arthur around 2:30. always brings out the hollowness in me hm.

**** i’m coming back to this but i got all my plaguing thoughts outish so

#asiya's thoughts

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thattaekwondoblog · 4 years

Text

My Martial Arts Story (TKD)

2020.04.26

today i miss my dojang extra... i woke up from a dream where i was supposed to spar but didnt have my dobok?? and one of my instructors handed me a.. dobok skirt?? and i was like? and he was like yeah u right this isnt gonna work sdbsmdfjsdd i dont really ever have tkd dreams (i think bc i usually am always doing tkd) but since i stopped for a bit the dreams are coming out. it made me miss sparring so much :( so below i wanted to talk about my tkd story in more detail. Enjoy!

i've actually always been a martial arts nerd, but moved around/focused on studying too much to commit to one until recently. I was talking to my mom the other day and neither of us can really remember what got me into it. I just remember wanting to be able to defend myself and be/feel strong from a very young age, and i knew martial arts was a way to do that. As a girl I also received a lot of messages that my gender was ‘weak’ and needed ‘protection’, which i really didnt like (it made me hate being a girl for some time). This is why i wanted to try martial arts. I discovered taekwondo when I was around 10 years old at a small dojang in my hometown. I loved the school & the master, who I remember always had a bamboo stick he would play around with when the kids started being rowdy (he never hit anyone, it was just his way to say ‘dont fck with me’ haha). but had to stop going after yellow belt because i was the oldest out of all the kids and i tried to go to adult classes for a while but i remember not liking it because it was ‘too slow’ for me and my mom couldnt drive me to late night classes. I was swimming a lot at the time too (fun fact i almost competed in synchronized swimming as a kid but had to stop due to illness (am totally fine now and it wasnt bad dont worry)).

I didn’t do any martial arts in middle school, and only had brief encounters when i started high school. I dabbled in kick boxing (which i still love) through an intense week long training while i was on holiday with family, and then did a bit of karate, for which sadly i had not such a great experience with the instructor which made me distance myself from the sport. The instructor brought up a heavy personal life event during class and i broke down (what did she expect i was like 15 and that event was really hard). When my mom picked me up, she shook her head to her and said ‘girls...’ in a very demeaning way, as if me crying because she re-awoke trauma was a result of ‘feminine weakness.’ i have not forgiven that person for that comment yet. she shouldn’t be a teacher if she treats students like that in my opinion. High school was very competitive and intense so i focused on studying and didnt really do sports then.

In college I really want to do more martial arts, but the lack of proper clubs or instructors made it difficult. I then went to study abroad in seoul and thought to myself if i dont try tkd again in the literal birthplace of the sport what am i doing with my life. i had good experiences with classes at uni; the two masters i had had very different personalities (one was very outspoken and funny while the other.. you could FEEL the power of tkd when he touched your arm slightly to place it correctly sdhfskdj he was very nice though). I had to stop because i was focusing on my academic projects though.

i then graduated and moved to the city, where finally there were plenty of martial arts opportunities! the first thing i did after moving to the city, even before moving into my apartment, was to visit my current dojang. i audited a class and in my head was like ’oh my god i MUST join them right now give me a dobok let’s GO’. I signed up for classes that day. The dojang master (my dad. my father, the love of my life (in the most platonic way)) was a seoulite (we bonded over that) and realized I hadn’t started my job yet so he gave me a discount, which i felt incredibly surprised by and grateful for. I started lessons the next day. at my dojang beginners usually get 3 private classes at the beginning to get the basics down before joining the group. after my first, the instructor said that i was probably ready to go with the group if i felt comfortable doing so bc i already had basics. i went every day until i moved into my apartment, when i had a mental and physical breakdown and got really sick for a week (like.. i dont remember feeling this weak and sick my entire life).

But thankfully i got better and pushed myself to go to dojang again. and it was hard. it was the summer and i hadnt used my body really in years, if ever at that level of practice. three times a week as Difficult for me, physically. i remember being frustrated that my ego wasnt satisfied haha (i thought i remembered a lot more than i did). but i loved the instructors a ton and practice was a great safe space/stress relief for the other sht that was going on my my life. I do remember that i was ready to graduate from white belt and start feeling better about my moves by the end of that summer (i was pretty frustrated that i couldnt do higher level moves, though mostly at myself).

i finally got yellow stripe and tkd things went uphill from then. i got to know ppl at my dojang better, started to go to practice more progressively. I got my yellow belt and decided then that i wanted tkd to always be in my life as much as possible. I started going to practice every day or almost every day. my tkd friendships were developing, there were small disagreements too but overall i fell more and more in love with my instructors, the dojang master (again, my dad) and the sport. we laughed so much, sweat so much, lived well.

after green stripe, my self consciousness during practice spiked a bit more than usual. this is probs bc my life outside of tkd was stressful and i was looking at my friend fellow tkd members who were higher level more. i wasnt jealous of them, far from it, i just felt small compared to what they were able to achieve and felt bad that the instructor had to stop to explain the technique to me Again. in case it wasn’t clear, i am no prodigy; i learn slowly and with long consistent practice. the two disagreements i had with my closest member friends (two separate very different reasons; we kept things civil on both sides but having to deal with that was a new experience for me so i wasnt great at it haha) didnt help my anxiety shut up during practice. i still kept at it. in january my school has an attendance challenge where you win prizes if you go every day or more than 20 days out of the month. I almost made it, but got really physically tired & kinda sick 3 days before then end of jan and had to miss one session. i was also mentally drained by life stuff so i decided to prioritize grad school applications and did less tkd in february. but that experience of going every damn day was so fun; i realized I needed to do this so much more. if there was a tkd seminar where they send you off somewhere to to tkd for like 3 months i would be down. that is when i realized my love for the sport, and the significant changes in my body that had been occurring over the past months really revealed themselves. i hear you thinking there’s no way i could fall more in love with my instructors but guess what... spending every day with them really made the love Explode dudes. In jan and fed i also really started loving sparring, even though im not great at it.

and then... march came. i got lucky to have been able to celebrate my birthday a few days before they decided to close my state down. at first i was still able to go to my dojang with smaller classes and different format of classes that respected health guidelines, but eventually everything was moved online. during that week of limited classes, i got to hang out with friend members and instructors for what would be, unbeknownst to me, one of the last times. one night after (6 feet no contact) starring, me, 2 friend members who also went very frequently and an instructor had a beer on the mats just talking and chilling. we said that we would do it again the week after. and then the state decided to shut down small businesses. i was helping the dojang transfer their classes to an online format with another student for a week (we two were the members with the highest attendance in the recent times), but then the instructors decided they should not let students come in anymore.

i was angry, i was sad, i was devastated. it was the sound solution to take and all these closings are essential and needed for public health safety, but emotionally i was not ready to let go of the dojang. i was angry at the circumstances for taking away the one thing that i truly loved and kept me going all those months of less than ideal job situation and lost of existential questions. the dojang had been my challenge, my rock, my family. i was especially angry because i had to mourn the loss of it a lot earlier than i wanted; i was already supposed to leave in june of this year. the closer june came the more teary eyed i got when i thought of leaving the dojang, but after the news i had to stop going now... i broke down. i cried so hard and loudly, alone in my room. i realize now it was the first time in my life that i cried because of love. pure, unaltered love. i thought to myself ‘how lucky is it that i felt this amount of love for something and some people’. ive moved a lot in my life but rarely felt sad when leaving a place; i often had made my goodbyes and knew it was just time to go. there were few or no things keeping me back, or i knew i would find those things somewhere else. it was also the first time i had let myself fall in love with something and people only for me. i love studying and learning for example, but when i started doing it it was mostly to make my mom and family happy, not for me. i didn’t feel like i had had a passion that i completely gave in into, a truly ‘me’ thing no one asked me or expected me to do but i just did not to have a better resume or be perceived better by society. until tkd.

now, i am still following online classes but mostly have my own training routine because it’s still hard to deal with the emotional stuff; i dont really do to live classes cause it hurts. it probably sounds strange but ive already done the emotional work of distancing myself to make the leaving less difficult. i also didnt really like the the idea of practicing in my room in front of the camera. seeing the other students on zoom would also make me feel v sad. im slowly getting out of that state of mind though and might start taking online classes again in a bit when i can’t do my regular training routine. im not sure when things will go back to normal but before i leave i will definitely send them gifts and goodbye messages, probably by mail. but yeah as of now i mostly follow my dojang’s videos, do my practice routine, and scroll through tkd tricking videos on instagram to keep motivated.

it’s kind of a sad note to end on but my tkd story does not end here. wherever im headed next I will find another dojang where i will continue to practice. i can only hope it is half as good as the family i found here. and of course now I have this blog! and will continue nerding out about kicking endlessly hahaha.

thanks for reading if you made it this far! you can ask me questions if you’d like! also tell me your tkd story!! its so cool to hear how life lead people to kicking.

#tkd #taekwondo #life story #story #martial arts #kicking #sports #tkd story #me #mind #origin story #lol #taekwondo story #martial arts story #budoblr

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snapitseventeen · 7 years

Text

best friends to lovers!woozi

I’m suffering real post concert depression right now and overwhelming love for my boy lee jihoon

alright let’s be real

jihoon’s a v shy person

and he also has no time for socializing and making new friends bc svt’s real busy

and he also produces and practices like 24/7

actually when does this boy sleep???

but alright let’s get to it

you and jihoon have known each other your whole lives

your parents and his parents both are high school sweethearts and best friends so of course they planned to get knocked up the same time and have kids the same time

t o tally norm i mean i would

he was born first so he automatically has the ‘seniority’ card my ass it was 2 weeks

there hasn’t been a day that you haven’t spent with him

of course i mean until he goes to seoul

b ut im just getting started so not yet

it was natural for you two to become friends honestly

everyone knew you were inseparable

you lived next to each other so when one of you woke up, you ran outside next door to wake the other ass up

usually u waking him up bc he’s a rock my head rock my head ok bye

you guys went through everything together

first fight

first grounding

first period if you’re a girl

first detention

first time you made one another cry

first family vacation

that one time jihoon beat up the dude who bullied you at 7????

and then he got accepted to be a trainee at pledis

you were devastated as fuck!!!!!

you two almost parted ways in bad terms

when he found out, you were the first one he told bc hello best friend!

you were honestly at shock like you knew he was talented and loved music like hell he sang and played for you all the time

but lowkey although you supported him 10000%, you never thought he would actually get in!

so your congrats was just sorta like “y-yay?”

jihoon was so disappointed at your reaction like he thought you would be screaming and bouncing off the walls like usual

so our bub got a bit sad and then you noticed and was like

“n o no noooonooo jihoon I’m so happy for you!!! you gOT IN YAY!!”

and then he did that eye smile and your insides just melted thank you

so you were helping him pack but you felt just like empty a bit??

like it didn’t hit you yet that your best friend of forever was leaving you and home for god knows how long

and so you just blurted it out one night like a few days before he was leaving

you two were playing video games when you put down the controller like “don’t go.”

jihoon was like “what????”

“to seoul, don’t go.”

he was flabbergasted like ????

and then you just started pulling things out of your ass

“what are the chances of you actually pulling this off???”

“jihoon this is dumb”

“just stay here”

oh and then this one triggered him

“what if you’re not good enough”

hiS FACE GOT SO COLD, he never looked at you that way before you were honestly a bit scared

he started yelling at you about his dreams and how you were supposed to support him and how he felt so betrayed and then

“you’re not my best friend. get out.”

and that’s how you ran out crying back to your house

you didn’t talk to him the next day, you actually couldn’t face him

but the day after that he was leaving and as much as you were scared to see him, you couldn’t let him leave without saying goodbye so you woke up and ran to his house in your pjs to see him eating breakfast with his parents

“oh y/n, jihoon was about to see you” his mom said with a smile

“make up already, we all know you two can’t stay mad at each other for long” his dad said as you and jihoon were walking upstairs to his room

it was quiet at first but then both of you started saying sorry at the same time and you kept talking so just like honestly it was a relief

you ended with a hug and a few tears saying how much you were both going to miss each other and how you’ll text and keep in touch

sadly you couldn’t accompany him to the bus bc you had a school thing so you said goodbye at his house

you guys did keep in touch of course but as the days weeks months and years went on with him not coming back home bc practice you eventually stopped texting and calling each other

you began pursuing your own thing - highkey you were a really talented volleyball player and you were happy your parents were your biggest fans and you actually thought you could do this for a career

when jihoon debuted you were so excited you were keeping tabs on him and his group bc hello you were his best friend!

you literally burst out laughing at his pink hair but you were also like “aw he looks so different nice job puberty”

you sent him a text on his debut day and he responded so fast you were a bit shocked tbh

“CONGRATS JIHOON I SAW YOUR VID ITS SO GOOD I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY MADE THIS SONG ITS SO GOOD I MISS YOU I SUPPORT YOU ALL THE WAY FROM BUSAN I ADORE YOU LOVE UR BEST FRIEND Y/N”

“I MISS YOU TOO YOU ACTUALLY LIKE IT??? THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER I GOTTA GO BUT I MISS YOU AGAIN BEST FRIEND :)”

“oh by the way nice pink hair”

“shut up”

you guys didn’t talk to each other again for a while bc hello he’s a hot idol now

bUT THEN YOU FOUND OUT you got accepted to the most competitive volleyball team in seoul so ofc you had to go

the first couple months you were so caught up with practice that you never even thought of texting jihoon

and then he called you one night like

“you’re in seoul??? what the heck man why didn’t you tell me?”

“what how’d you know?”

“one of my members watches volleyball and we were all watching and i saw you and yeah”

and that’s how you ended up setting up a date and time to meet up with jihoon at his dorm with the other 12 members of seventeen????

you were honestly a bit scared like you knew his group, you knew enough about the members to know who all of them were, you actually really liked their music and it still amazes you every time you think your best friend produced this song???? but like whAT IF THEY DON’T LIKE YOU

and then you rang the doorbell dressed sorta nicely like -> (girl / boy)

and this one really tall guy with dyed hair opened the door

“oH YOU MUST BE JIHOON HYUNG’S BEST FRIEND? HE TALKS ABOUT YOU A LOT!! IM MINGYU!”

and then jihoon comes out and tells mingyu to let you in and to stop being annoying and

yOU ALMOST HAD TO DO A DOUBLE TAKE BECAUSE brO

LEE JIHOON

YOUR BEST FRIEND SINCE BIRTH

LOOKS SORTA REALLY FUCKING HOT

and like you saw his pictures from his comeback BUT

him in person WOW and he got taller than you so like ;)))

and likewise he’s like in his head shiT WERE THEY ALWAYS THIS ATTRACTIVE????

but you two greet each other in a big hug and his busan accent came out while talking to you and his members are just like :)))) “we’ve never seen him so hyper :))))”

and so you meet all his members and you guys eat for a bit and honestly you hit it off with them thEY LOVE YOU and when you and jihoon go to his room for some best friend catch up time some of the boys start pouting and whining and it’s really cute but jihoon pulls you towards his room with jeonghan mingyu and cheol and just locks the door

you two talked for the longest time it was like you were back in busan in his bedroom and that made you tear up a bit like you missed him a lot like the first year or two coping without him was absolute hell for you

you were the only person that he felt so easy to talk to like words flowed out endlessly and without that comfort in the beginning he was so lost

sadly you had to go back to your own dorm and so you said goodbye to jihoon and seventeen (not before you got their numbers and snapchats)

you still didn’t see jihoon very often, but you certainly did communicate with him a bit more

every time one of you had a break, you would send a snap and a little “hey loser good luck with adsfgfdj today”

you honestly didn’t know when you began to catch feelings for jihoon and same with him

like the rare times you two hung out together, the first thing you noticed was how good he looked no matter what he was wearing

you just like began noticing every little thing he did

you especially loved seeing him work at his studio or seeing him dance

his body just moved so fluidly??? like he wasn’t in the performance unit or anything but he was so good at dancing!!!

and his seriousness when working at his computer like you were in awe how did you not notice this handsome face since idk your birth?

when he caught you staring at him yOU BLUSHED SO HARD and he did that little smirk like “you okay there?”

you almost smacked him

that night you were in your bed just thinking about him like you were making theories and everything

“alright if he liked me this could honestly be the best thing ever. I know a lot about him and he knows a lot about me okay we grew up together we uSED TO BATHE TOGETHER alright mom and dad love him and hello aunt and uncle basically adopted me already-wait not adopted, that would make him seem like my brother hell no okay so-”

the day you both found out you liked each other was a wild ride

you got hella scolded by your coach bc you kept making mistakes at your game and you were just not having it so you went to their dorm a bit uninvited just like hoping they’d be okay with having your company for a bit bc you needed some lovin

you were literally about to cry and all the boys were like “y/n no!!!”

so they kept trying to make you laugh and that really made you feel better

and then they started being sly with you and jihoon bc you sure as hell know that they know about jihoon’s crush on you

“y/n who’s your favorite member???” jeonghan ha

“oh that’s an easy one!”

jihoon just expecting it to be him

“minghao!”

“yES!”

“what the hell???” jihoon accidentally said out loud

everyone was laughing like hard crore even you

and then baby just left to his room and you’re like ??????

cue seungkwan “u made him jealous y/n oh no!”

so of course you go after him and try to talk but he’s just in his room all stoic and a bit irritated just at the mere thought of you and minghao together

so you’re like “jihoon what the heck? it’s just a harmless topic”

“why don’t you like me??”

“don’t be dumb, we’re best friends-”

“exactly, that’s why I should be your favorite”

“stop being a baby”

“I’m not! just thinking about how you like minghao makes me wanna punch him”

and you like cross your arms and sigh bc even when he’s overreacting he’s still so fucking cute!

“it’s not like I wanna date him”

and he’s just like “whatever”

so you’re just pumping yourself up like thiS IT IT PERFECT TIMING DONT PUSSY OUT

“I mean, if they asked me who I would wanna date, I would definitely say you”

“what”

“what?”

he would be so shocked but also like :))))))

“-and I know this would potentially ruin our 19 year long friendship but-”

“shut up and come here” and he would pull you in and hug you so close like you would feel lightheaded a bit in a good way

and then he looks at your face and looks at your lips and your heart is beating so fast like you’ve been wanting to do this since you first saw him again and

boom boom

“hey is everything-oH HEY!”

you and jihoon as a couple would be the cutest thing ever

jihoon hates pda with the guys but he LOVES it with you it sort of offends the boys a bit

he always holds your hand he loves being connected to you

really likes it when you give him back hugs tho

really appreciates when you force him off the computer and you two just lay down on the couch in his studio cuddling and you’re just stroking his hair

sort of addicted to kissing you too especially on the shoulder

it’s honestly perfect because you guys are just so comfortable bc hello again you’ve known each other since birth

the boys love you and they always count on you to take care of him when they can’t and vice versa

support 100000% he streams your games and you his performances

you’re his muse to everything you’re the reason he gets up every morning

tours are hell bc all jihoon wants to do is hug you and sometimes facetime is hard bc time zones but you both somehow make it work

you guys barely fight at least not big ones, you both understand it won’t be easy but you love each other so it’s okay

there’s a huge amount of trust which is so important when he travels

when he announces you to the public you get a fair amount of hate and he got so sad but you’re like “eh”

eventually the fans accept you and love you bc like you’re jihoon’s best friend and who better to be with him than someone he’s known his whole life???

omg when both your parents found out

your dad to his dad

“you owe me a car”

jihoon makes me so warm and this was longer than I thought it was gonna be but !!!

#lee jihoon #jihoon #i love him so much #woozi #seventeen woozi #seventeen #seventeen scenarios #seventeen au #woozi au #woozi scenarios #seventeen imagines #seventeen snaps

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mysme-hcs · 7 years

Note

Heya! What about MC getting really insecure about her appearance and falls into clinical depression. Sorry im just having a bad day about my face T_T. Sending Lots of love! Xoxo

Heya; I’m sorry I couldn’t get to this until today, I hope you’re feeling a bit better since you’ve sent in the ask!! I get really insecure about my face too ;-; Sending lots of love to you too

This got long very quickly so I only did a few characters, I hope that’s okay :)

V-he’s an artist who photographs beautiful things, of course that made you insecure-when you told him how you were feeling, you weren’t expecting him to cry-V just gets right into it, taking you to a mirror and pointing out each tiny thing he likes about you-then all of the sudden he’s showing you pictures of paintings??? like yeah babe those are great but it’s not helping???-”The painting wouldn’t be complete without the small details you see,” he explains with a giant smile on his face. “the small details make up a big picture, love. Just because you don’t like the big picture right now doesn’t mean there aren’t still beautiful things about it.”-Somehow he always knows the right words to say and what to do when you’re sad or upset-Because it helps him clear his head, he drags you out of the house and onto a walk-he promises the clean air will make you feel at least a tad better-V also packed a picnic from scratch with all of your favorite foods-the next hours are spent under the shade of a pretty tree, talking about life and cuddling-if you still don’t feel better or want some space, he’ll respect that-all in all V just wants to see you happy

Zen:-he’s absolutely devastated-after over twenty years of hating himself and his appearance, he’s heartbroken that you have to experience the same thing as well-At first, he thought it was just casual insecurity.-“What are you talking about? I think you’re too harsh on your body. You’re beautiful enough so don’t worry.” actual quote from the game bc Zen is such a pure bean-but he sees your face and can see that you’re absolutely serious about it-”Jagiya, come here.”-Zen is quick to keep you away from your mirrors and hands you your favorite outfit even if it doesn’t match -he seriously believes that the key to stop feeling insecure at least for a few hours is to feel comfortable & good-he tries to take you to the gym at first bc that’s how he feels good omg Zen please no-he helps you start a bubble bath and relax for a bit (if you want he’ll even jump in with you), then takes you shopping-Whatever you want, he’ll get in a heartbeat-it doesn’t matter if it’s a subtle change in your appearance/shopping or just a large pizza, if you want it he’s got it-Zen’s almost at Jumin’s level with the spoiling you sometimes-Your happiness is way more important than his acting, it’s canon that he’d stop acting just for you-and if that’s not an indication that he’d give up his entire life or do anything to make you happy…idk what is-”Babe, please don’t hate the body I love so much, okay?”-he knows it’s not that easy, but he’ll run you through the things he learned while he was insecure and would try to help you through it the best he canYoosung-You both were supposed to head to some family event that his mom was holding-You’ve never met his family before so it was a huge deal, you absolutely had to look your best-but as you got ready and looked in the mirror, all you could see was your insecurities-your heart sunk deep in your chest and begun to ache but you ignored it, getting dressed and brushing your hair anyway-Yoosung can tell what’s wrong almost immediately-he knows what you act like on a daily basis and This Is Not It despite you telling him you’re okay-he straight up drags you back to bed for a nap/cuddles, dressed up and all-you try to convince him to get ready and leave you behind, but Yoosung physically cannot do that-he can’t leave you while you’re so sad, it’s against everything he stands for as a boyfriend-the Men of Monogamy club taught him what to do in these situations, you better believe he’ll use all of the techniques-Cuddles? Absolutely.-he covers your entire face in kisses and makes you laugh in any way he can-”Don’t say that. Even if you feel bad I’ll always be there for you. Make sure to come to me so I can help you next time, okay?”-he tells you his main goal in life is to make sure you’re protected and happy-Rika was special to him as well and suffered from depression among other illnesses so he just doesn’t want you to feel like you have to get through this alone-he Noogles “self-care things” and takes a quick trip to the store-he read that doing puzzles and crafts can help take your mind off of insecurity and that having a mini-spa day is a good way to help you feel better physically-he doesn’t know what kind of skin/body care products to get so he just gets whatever looks nice-Yoosung even paints your nails for you, even though it looks horrible and the polish is all over the sides of your nails and cuticles-once he’s certain you’re feeling a bit better, he takes you back into the bathroom and makes you point out every flaw you think you have-he tells you how much he loves every single part of you, no matter how ugly you think your flaws are-nothing about you is ugly in Yoosung’s eye(s) tbh???

Jaehee-you helped her so much and showed her happiness, she wants to return the favor-she likes to curl up on the couch and binge on sweet foods so she’ll make an entire day out of it-the two of you buy new fluffy & matching pajamas and an insane amount of junk food-Jaehee just really loves movies in general so she has around a hundred of them in all different genres-she won’t complain about anything you want to watch, instead she’ll just hold you in her arms and stroke your hair, cooing about how beautiful you are-when she thinks you’re asleep she smiles and kisses your forehead, telling you how much you mean to her-she has extreme insecurities too but it’s all because of you that she was able to overcome most of them-honestly Jaehee just hopes to do the same for you, to be someone you can lean on and trust

#jihyun kim #yoosung kim #jaehee kang #zen #mystic messenger #mystic messenger headcanon #mysme #mysme headcanon #v #hyun ryu #mystic messenger v #mystic messenger yoosung #mystic messenger jaehee #mystic messenger zen

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simkjrs · 7 years

Text

chapter 6 asks that are people in distress about shinsou

SPOILERS FOR THE FIC, so it’s all under the readmore

** before i start, i just want to say, the sheer number of people who have guessed that it’s himiko impersonating shinsou is frankly alarming and equally hilarious. thanks yall

Anonymous said: OH MY GOD SHINSOU MY SON, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM??? HE DOESNT DESERVE THIS????? (for real, tho, that chapter was?? So good??? I'm so happy to have read this)

you’re absolutely right he doesn’t deserve this and im doing it to him anyways, which objectively proves that as an author i am not and never have been trustworthy. im sorry if i ever tricked you into thinking otherwise. im crying as well

Anonymous said: holy crap that chapter. where do i even start. i knew the kidnapping was coming up but that scene still managed to punch me in the gut. shinsou doesn't deserve this he just wanted to be a hero you guys. also the scene where izuku brought mitoki flowers was really great and i'm so happy that conversation happened. and the paintball fight? best thing i've ever laid my eyes upon. sorry this wasn't very coherent, i'm gonna go fling myself into the sun. thank you for this amazing chapter.

thank YOU for the feedback, i’m really glad you enjoyed the mitoki conversation & the paintball fight because those two scenes were the ones i was most nervous about. as for shinsou, you are very right. he doesn’t deserve this and im sorry

Anonymous said: WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! that was so intense!!!!!!!!!!!! that chapter was amazing you lied sorry ://// (izuku has a crush on shinsou and i couldnt be happier. sweethearts, the both of them.) SO MUCH HAPPENED AT ONCE IM FU KCIFNSICIAJX!!!! WHAT HAPPENED WITH SHINSOU??? MY BOY WHO THREATENED HIM. WHO HURT HIM??!?!?!!?!??!!??!?! i got so emotional all throughout this chapter i almost cried like 26 times that was wild af!!! NOW HOW DO I RECOVER FROM THIS!!!! (im so worried about shinsou. about everyone.)

hfjldksf thanks!! glad you enjoyed it!! im sorry for making you emotional. its the unintended side effects of tryin to convey izuku’s state of mind

i know this won’t ease your suffering much but for a while i intended for chapter 7 to be from shinsou’s point of view, and it was quite literally just titled “what happened to shinsou.” this may still happen. im not sure yet. stay tuned next for,

Anonymous said: *twitch twitch twitchy twich* omg suddenly i understand those comments from your betas. like. i'm legit speechless???? why. why would you do this, you evil writer from awesome land. like i just. im in like. the all caps state of shock. that FREAKING LAST LINE AKDJKLADSLKAJDSKLJLKJ. like. *squeezes air* i dont even know where to begin???? I MEAN CLEARLY I STARTED AT THE END BUT LIKE. so much. to talk about. like. the smile bits of gaming and cats and pics then THAT KAST KUUSJDFHSKJDHFSKJDHSJDF

i bait in readers with cute fun shenanigans and then i go in for the kill

(thank you for writing in, i’m glad you enjoyed the chapter <3 )

Anonymous said: no, but like, ur saying that chapter 6 is the worst one YET (which is a HORRIBLE LIE. this chapter was great. even if it let us all devastated afterwards. but whats a good fanfiction if it doesnt affect the reader tho heh(and your certainly is a great fanfiction. one of the greatest)) is it because of the giant clusterfuck that 7 and/or 8 is gonna be? (kamino ward, all might reveal, kidnappings+ SHINSOU) im legit worried haha ( btw "(accidental) dad might: Stealth Style" is my favorite tag now)

i cultivate my tags with pride. im glad you enjoyed that one in particular :3c and also... thank you... i was super insecure abt ch6 so it’s really nice hearing ppl liked it! i really appreciate it <3

the next chapter(s?) are going to be a clusterfuck so you are probably wise to be legit worried. preemptive apologies. i don’t know why im doing this and im sorry also

Anonymous said: I don't actually believe that Shinsou did it, naturally. Maybe the villains pin the blame on him cause it's easier to do it to someone that everyone is already wary about? I honestly have no idea, you're too unpredictable with some of these things

u have a good nose anon... but also when have i EVER been unpredictable about anything. my taste and storytelling is incredibly predictable in that it is always The Worst and Incredibly Self Indulgent. all you have to do to pick out the path im taking is think “what path allows simk to pander to their own interests the most?” and thats the path i’ll take. this is exactly what is happening with the entirety of this fic and especially with this next arc

Anonymous said: is shinsou being blackmailed?? controlled by someone else?? someone stole his face?? was he used as a hostage bc he interacted with class I-A more? or is someone threatening izuku again or.. ahhh idk what it is but I really feel he is not a traitor so: my current theories about shinsou. am I close??

yes to all of the above

Anonymous said: Pretty sure you didn't get many theories yet cause we are still in shock. Send help pls. (Loved the chapter btw that chapter was legit a roller-coaster of feels.)

theres no help to be found. i did this irrevocably and now theres nothing we can do about it

(thank you! i’m really glad to hear that, and hope that you have recovered from your shock :p )

Anonymous said: thoughts on shinsou's reasons: bakugou is a abusive shit who is undeserving of being a hero and made him lose all faith in heroes, blackmail, threats, brainwashing, some other type of convincing, he has been the traitor the whole time and you just want to kill us with angst, the LoV is threatening deku and if he doesn't help them they kill him, rage against society has reached its peak (same tho), or he wants to get back at bakugou, or the Cat Cafe is being threatened. please stop killing me.

this is a really impressive laundry list of unconventional reasons for shinsou to join the villain alliance. i love it. i too would become a villain in order to save my favorite cat cafe and spite a person i don’t like

@armcontrolnerve said: it was himiko in the study with the candlestick

d...does this make shinsou the murder victim

Anonymous said: I JUST READ THE NEW CHAPTER AND JUST WANTED TO DROP BY AND SAY YOU'VE UTTERLY WRECKED ME. I have tears in my eyes, I am currently flailing about like a fish while my brain goes into overdrive trying to dodge the reality of that ending. Shinsou was helping Izuku not two scenes ago, he was probably kidnapped and forced to do it against his will via torture or something. I refuse to believe that Shinsou is a villain and you cannot tell me oTHERWISE

good instincts. hold onto that feeling

Anonymous said: My guess: shinsou was kidnapped by Villain Alliance. Himiko Toga is using her quirk to impersonate him. But...why

bad pr image for yuuei

Anonymous said: all im thinking is that girl with the quirk that lets her shapeshift into people if she gets their blood and im just. oh no. shinsou. how could u do this to the poor sweet gay boy. meet me in the pit for a fight, and also a round of compliments for ur fucking writing skills. u made me cry. i love this fic so much but unfortunately i still have to challenge u to a duel, for the sake of these poor children, and their mental health,,, (ps i love ur writing and ur fantastic!! byeee)

if you kill me youll never get these children back alive

(thank u though... this made me laugh. rest assured that i will promptly apply all my writing skills to elucidating the mystery of what happened to shinsou)

Anonymous said: Shinsou probably got his quirk stolen by Sensei or someone is impersonating him I guess. Or his classmates are jerks and framing him or something. Smh

his classmates threw him under the bus

@sunslammerdown said: hi i am a person who reads your very extremely good fanfiction... thanks very much and also Wow Rude How Dare You. you said you were surprised at not getting more shinsou theories so heres my two: 1) It Was Toga, shinsou is kidnapped its not good 2) It Was All For One who can take quirks and use them on people and shinsou has a mind control quirk, its very not good still

what if its... 3) both, for maximum suffering, and the ultimate very not good happenstance

@viperofsand said: I am sure I had something in mind when giving my review while I was reading chap 6, but after the final part my mind was all 'WHAT THE HELLLLLL', so, there is that. Also, I am inaugurating #ShinsouIsNotAVillain2017 for this fic starting now.

this is a good hashtag. i’m behind it. i have no right to be but i am

Anonymous said: ok i'm trying not to panic bc of the cliffhanger but just tell me, will we know /why/ shinso is doing what he's doing ?? i'm trying not to spoil for ppl

no worries! we will find out exactly what happened to shinsou...

@auspiciouswhiskers said: How much do I have to pay for a Shinsou redemption and/or Shindeku endgame because pleeease you have responsibilities

you don’t even have to ask. its already under way...

(more specifically: you just don’t even need to ask. there just isnt a need. hold that thought for a shindeku endgame though bc who KNOWS where im headed with that)

Anonymous said: Izuku's gonna lure Shinsou with cats and everything will be just fine. Izuku holding up fuku, taka and isao: you know u can't harm them Shinsou: defeated

this is the ultimate villain shinsou ask. nothing is ever going to top this. you dont even need to fight shinsou you just have to appeal to him with cats and he’ll crumble instantly

Anonymous said: Eh, I don't know if I'm angry, but I am a tad disappointed if it actually is "what it looks like" with Shinsou. I mean his whole deal is that while his power seems like one that a villain would have, he doesn't actually want to use it that way. If he really is a villain in your story, that sorta defeats the purpose of his character, you know? But I guess I'll just wait and see what you plan to do with it.

that aspect of his character is probably what makes what im doing 100% more awful so i guess what im trying to say is: don’t worry it’s not what it seems, but also, i should not be allowed to touch a computer

Anonymous said: ok ok i have an idea about why shinsou provided inside help(i hope im at least a little right or im going to cry): he was threatened by the league? they saw him hanging out with deku and probably knew that he didnt know he was Hella Strong or smth and were like "look, if u dont want ur friend to die ur gonna have to Cooperate" and shinsou being an amazing friend was like "U LEAVE HIM ALONE U COCKROACH" and he did That. it probably happened in That One Stupid Horrible Month (please. PLEASE)

shinsou became a villain for deku confirmed. be gay, turn to the dark side

Anonymous said: honestly while i'm still Actually Dead over the latest chapter Izuku having his Gay Awakening over someone who stabs him in the back is Relatable lol

h...hold that thought...

also. i’m really sorry to hear that, and i hope you’re in a better place now. may your future gay relationships be blessed

Anonymous said: It's Mamoru. The ending to your new chapter is definitely a twist that I didn't expect at all. But oddly I'm not angry. Is Shinsou really going to be a villain? Because it kinda goes against he is fighting for. Or is he threatened?

spoiler alert...

@chocowl said: holy fuck simk

A theory: was Shinsou kidnapped by the VA and Himiko used her Quirk to look like him? That would explain the silence towards Izuku and would heal our tormented souls Q-Q

the truth is, the entire villain alliance is conspiring to fuck over shinsou, specifically

#chapter 6 #ask #ask compilation #anonymous #chocowl #auspiciouswhiskers #viperofsand #sunslammerdown #armcontrolnerve #the number of asks is...so much #spoilers for the fic ///

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markleetrashh · 7 years

Text

Fool;Jaehyun

Genre: extreme angst im ready to make y'all cry

Request: I'd like to request an angsty Jaehyun scenario where he starts dating you bc of a bet he made with his friends and you find out and breakup with him but he actually truly loves you. Sorry if this was confusing.

A/N: okay so i used fool by winner for this scenario because it's one of my favourite songs and it fits this scenario perfectly so!! and this is quite long and im proud of myself for writing this so i hope y'all like it too!

------

I was a fool

Nothing is gonna change

Even if I’m sorry now

I know

He hesitantly looked at you, remorse and sorrow filling his eyes. Your cold and intense gaze was set on the book you were holding in your hand, as you tried to ignore his presence.

But a part of you wanted to be back in his arms- even after 4 months.

You miss him.

And you loved him.

Out of all places, you had to coincidentally meet him at the small little cafe down the street.

It's not like he had not been clinging on to you and trying to win you back for the past few months.

But you resisted.

You didn't want to be with someone who didn't love you as much as you did.

"Y/N... Um.. How are you?" he asked in a soft tone.

You ignored him and flipped the page of your book.

He sighed, then bit his lips. But not giving up, hs asked again, "Are you busy these days? You haven't been replying my calls or texts"

Your heart ached a little.

But you pressed on.

You ignored his words again, your eyes fully focused on the words on the page.

Jaehyun ran his fingers through his hair, then took your hand in his. You tried pulling away, but he held it tightly, and you could see clearly the eyebags that formed under his eyes and amount of weight he loss as you struggled to pull away.

"What are you trying to do right now?" you asked him sternly, keeping a straight face.

He flinched a little, then sighed, and you saw his eyes becoming teary. "I'm really sorry, i only just realised how much you mean to me and i know i shouldn't have done it but i really do love you and-"

"It's already over anyways, is there still a point in saying all these?" you cut him off, a look of frustration on your face.

He bit his lips again, "I just really hope you can forgive me and i just... really love you"

You shook your head and scoffed, "If you really did you should have put in more effort, but you didn't. It's too late Jaehyun, you need to let everything go"

You grabbed your book and bag, the shot him one last glance, "If i can, then you can too"

But in fact, you couldn't, and didn't.

But you had to lie and convince yourself.

Jaehyun sat back in dejection on the back of the seat, his tears rolling down his cheek.

He knew it was going to turn out this way.

He took in a deep breath as his hands rubbed lightly against the screen of his phone, where a picture of the both of you shone brightly.

He misses you.

If only he didn't do it

------

Stupid bastard, foolish bastard

I know now that it’s all my fault

Jaehyun had his arms all around you, as he lazily gave you a peck on your forehead. You giggled softly to yourself. His chin was resting on your head, as he used his phone, humming in response to your words.

"How cute would it be if we stay together till we die?" you asked innocently, your fingers in his soft locks, as you admired his beautiful skin and features from below.

He let out a small laugh, his dimple showing evidently. "That would be very cute" he replied with almost no sincerity, but you ignored it anyways, since all you cared about was being with him.

He made you happy.

Never did you think that you'd be together with him, considering the fact that the both of you had total opposite personalities and interests.

One fine day he started hitting you up and talking to you at the library, the place you like to go to.

And all his friends were so supportive of his actions, it seemed to you like his feelings was sincere.

After two long months of getting to know each other even more, you realised you had already fallen for him.

Only he had the power to make you happy.

Small dates at cafes and carnivals led to lazy cuddling and movie marathons at each others' house.

And it was not until when you realised Jaehyun's lips was on yours, his hands under your as your legs wrapped around his lean body, that you realised the both of you were madly in love with each other.

At least you thought so.

Until that one day you heard everything, which left you in devastation and pure agony. But you said nothing about it, because you loved him too much.

You were helping him to fold his clothes and laundry at his house, waiting for him to come back from his short meeting with his friends.

At the side of your eye, you caught a glimpse of a family leather black wallet sitting on his bed top, and it occured to you that he had forgotton to bring his wallet- which had almost everything he needed inside.

He didn't pick up your call.

You remember him telling you the name of the restaurant they were going to meet up at, and knew that it wasn't far away from his place.

In hopes that he'd smile and and thank you upon seeing how you made your way down to pass him his wallet, you were faced by another sight.

"So... How's she? Dude i didn't know you could last more than 3 months, are you starting to have feelings for her?" the brown-haired man asked Jaehyun with a big smile, hitting your boyfriend's back lightly.

"Honestly not yet? But she's really nice and sweet though, do you think it's right to do this?" Jaehyun asked, then shook his head.

Was 'she' referring to you? What was happening?

You frowned as you stayed well hidden, as you pressed on to continue listening.

Another man spoke up, patting Jaehyun's head, "Who was the one who was so hard up on this bet three months ago? Don't regret your decisions Jae"

"You're right Johnny"

"Oh, someone even set her as your lockscreen, you sure you don't have feelings for her?"

You saw Jaehyun blush a little, but kept his cool and scoffed a little, "I have to let her know i love her right?"

You knew that his lockscreen was you.

He had taken it while you were doing your work.

"You look cute"

You wanted to break down so badly.

So all of these had been a lie?

You wanted to confront him, and you had many questions.

But you couldn't do or say anything.

Something was pulling you back.

You didn't want to lose him.

So you acted like you didn't know anything.

You lied to yourself and told yourself he would at least have the slightest feelings for you.

If not, why was he able to give you a big warm hug and a long kiss everyday without fail? Why would give you small little compliments and pecks on the cheeks after, and blush everytime you called him cute?

------

I’m selfish, I’ve always been

I only think about myself

I think I’m crazy

The person who pushed you away is me

After the 6th month, he became to grew distant.

Skinships became lesser and he spoke to you even lesser now.

It was as though he wasn't interested at all.

And you knew why.

You engulfed him a big and tight hug in your arms as soon as he stepped into the house, but his arms didn't wrap around yours like they used to, his head simply just resting on yours.

You tried to ignore the aching pain in your chest, the one you had been feeling for the past two months.

At least seeing him everyday made you happy.

But it killed you internally too.

"How was work?" you asked lovingly, your hands making their way to his. He moved slightly away, and you looked at him as your heart sank.

He replied with almost no emotion, "It was fine"

His eyes were glued to the television screen, and he didn't look at you even once, as compared to when he would always stare at you with those doe-like eyes, lighting up as you smile.

"Had a bad day? Or..? Can i do anything to make it better-"

"No, thanks"

You couldn't deal with this anymore.

A rush of anger ran up your body as you threw the pillow on the floor, as you watched Jaehyun stare at you in confusion.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Can you at least show me that you care for me? Jaehyun i'm already suffocating and hurting on my own everyday, can you please make it better for me?"

Jaehyun scoffed, and he gave you the most intense glare he had ever, "What do you mean? Why are you pushing everything to me right now?"

You bit your lower lip as you rolled your eyes, "You know best Jaehyun. Here i am trying my best every single day for you, hoping that you'd share the same feelings i have for you but your actions right now clearly shows it isn't working."

"I'm just tired, of course i love you, what do you mean by 'share the same feelings'?"

You scoffed, "The bet. I know everything, stop pretending."

His eyes widened, "Y-You knew...? How did you-"

"I'm done with this bullshit Jaehyun. I hope you had fun on this bet while i was here suffering alone for 6 months, being fooled by you and your bunch of oh-so-great friends for dating me, thinking that you actually had genuine feelings."

And with that, you walked out of the house, and never once looked back.

You needed to let go.

------

If I can see you once more

A last glimpse of you even for a short moment

But Jaehyun only got worst.

The night after he found himself missing your presence, the familiar and comforting hold around his body as you would wrap yourself tightly around his body.

The day after that he found himself staring and looking at all photographs and pictures of the both of you, as he'd smile and laugh, reminiscing all the memories of the both of you. But would start tearing up and crying unknowingly when he realises what he had done.

He found himself texting and calling you constantly, trying his best to apologise and make it up to you.

He realised how happy he was throughout the months he was with you.

And he realised that unknowingly, he had started to have genuine feelings for you.

He loves you.

You found his waiting at your doorstep one day, his arms behind his back, head hanging down as he waited patiently for you.

"Y/N... I-"

But you walked past him and unlocked the door to your house, and without saying anything, you slammed the door in front of him.

You heard his breath fasten a little, and you heard his soft and small little cries, but still tried to say a few words to you,

"I really do love you and i'm sorry, i know it's hard but please give me a chance?"

Upon these words, you broke down as you fell weakly onto the floor, pulling your legs closer to your body.

You wanted to forgive him, but at the same time, you wanted to forget him.

It was too much for you to handle.

You’re radiating and you go far far away

I try to feel the scattered memories

I miss you every every day

Yes I know I’m late

Come back to me like nothing ever happened

Jaehyun grabbed onto the piece of cloth in front of him and brought it up close to his face, as the comforting and warmth scent of you caused his tears to roll down again.

It was the only piece of you he had left.

"I'll be leaving for a few years, don't bother finding me anymore. Please let go"

He clenched his heart tightly as the last few words from you rang through his mind, as he took even bigger breaths as his crying got worst- he was a mess right now.

"Jaehyun.. Please call us when you see this, we're all worried... and sorry"- taeyong hyung

Jaehyun felt a pain in his chest, as he let out a frustrated yell, then threw punch to the wall beside him.

He hated himself.

Why didn't he cherish you while he could?

He threw another punch, and soon enough, his knuckles and hands were filled with scratches and cuts, as small bits of blood started to be more visible.

He didn't care.

The pain in his heart hurt more tham anything else.

He wished everything was back to before.

He wished he hadn't done anything at all.

He wished he could turn back time and make up to you.

He regretted everything.

And it was already too late to realise that he genuinely loves you,

because you were already gone.

You are such a fool, Jaehyun.

#jaehyun #jung jaehyun #jaehyun scenarios #nct scenarios #nct jaehyun #nct #nct 127 #nct u #jung yoonoh #nct angst

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