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kcatta-wodahs · 3 years

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Making Lore Out of the Angel Event

Im the definition of 'its not that deep but I'm going to dig a hole to make it that deep'

In this case its me making it that deep because otherwise this event is upsetting so I'm making some dark lore theories to make it make sense to me.

I'll have a lot of spoilers below. For the event and everything I know, which is up to like lesson 32 I think.

Basically, TLDR; this was an attack by Michael/their Father on Devildom. Simeon and Diavolo have successfully negated the threat by turning it into a game.

TLDR Thesis; The Celestial Realm is governed through careful mind control. The Demon Bros are not "avatars" because of being demons- they have been cursed by their Father to suffer as no other demon nor angel has to.

First we hear direct from Michael, and he's giving these bangles that appear to brainwash the main cast.

This was an attempt by their Father to bring them back under his control. By control, I mean this literally.

I've felt for a long time that the way the Celestial Realm seems to be run is... shady. It's a utopia to outside appearances only, and those who have been most deeply embroiled in the Great Celestial War know this.

The Great Celestial War was over free will, rather than the specifics of Lilith's situation. She was the catalyst for a long-time-coming revolt against the rulers of the Celestial Realm.

My logic for this:

The reason for Lilith's expulsion goes against the current action plan of the Celestial Realm. Peace between the realms? Sure, but their Father is bound to realize that you put angels, humans, and demons together you're going to end up with more angels like Lilith, who fall for other races. Why would he accept this truce if he lost his favored children over an issue that is very similar? Did he have a change of heart? Heavens no.

Luke's behaviour towards the demon's seems case-and-point. Luke is not the strange one out of the angelic transfer students- Simeon is. Not only that, Simeon is chosen not in an attempt to promote peace, but to protect Luke from being influenced. (Which is, again, the whole point\of the exchange program.)

That time we went to the Celestial Realm for real - Lucifer was worried. Scared, even. This can be explained by, you know, the War and Lilith.. but I wonder if it may be more sinister. Like perhaps being brainwashed.

Diavolo and Barbatos weren’t required to wear bangles to become less “demon-like” for the “party”. This is because the bangles were a ploy to get the brothers back.

My theory is that when an angel begins to show signs of rebellion or questioning the divine order, they are forcibly stopped. Michael is that enforcer, and these 'gifts' are a method of stopping them.

The bangles cause a person to act *perfectly angelic* against their free will. The people affected become all smiles and sunshine, so clearly nothing could be wrong with it, right? They’re happy, right?

No. Very not right, and we can see that through Satan.

Poor Satan is always the exception to the rule of the Brothers, as his circumstances are different from everyone else's.

In this case though, he's the one who provides insight on this mind control.

Let me remind you of the quotes Satan gives us during this time:

“I feel worked up.” “I don’t feel like myself at all.”

“It feels like something foreign is forcing my heart to be calm.” “Like my heart... becoming tranquil.”

Satan has never been an angel. He has never experienced this before. He has something the other brothers don’t: self-reflection. Satan can tell the difference between his feelings and feelings that are being imposed upon him. He tells you what he feels - “worked up” and “not like himself” and he is not smiling during this. He’s clearly unhappy, even though an angel might say he should feel unburdened by losing his anger.

He even mentions this.

“Normally, that wouldn’t seem like something bad, right?” “Something isn’t right.” “Maybe you shouldn’t come near me when I’m in this state.”

Satan is under the effects of the bangle, being forced to act angelic, but he can tell something “isn’t right.” He clearly shows that he thinks this is a “bad” thing, not because being calm is bad, but because it’s not “normal”. And can I remind you that he’s the Avatar of Wrath? The Sin that is most likely to be dangerous to be around - and yet it’s only when his anger is forcibly quelled that he thinks you should stay away from him. He knows that this is not something to desire. He knows that it is not happiness.

“I can’t concentrate on reading today.”

I mean, he’s obviously going through a lot, so that’s fair. But I have the theory that if he were to try and research this condition he wouldn’t be able to either. I have a theory about the Garden of Eden. My theory is about Paradise.

Remember when Eve ate the fruit? Do you know what that fruit was? Sin?

No. That fruit was knowledge.

Specifically, knowledge of good and evil. Now, why would this knowledge be something to keep from those under the control of the Celestial Realm? It sounds rather like they might be able to then make their own decisions of what is right and wrong.

Satan has known this from the beginning. Knowledge is power. The Ruler of the Celestial Realm, the other demons’ Father, knows this, too.

Why are there no other Avatars?

Sin was not something inherent to Devildom. Sin is a judgement sent from the Celestial Realm. There are no other Avatars because they are a wholly angelic creation. There are other posts that have examined the Sins as outlets, and how each of the brothers are attempting to find ways to allow themselves to express their sin so it does not overtake them.

From the get-go, we are shown that these Sins are a defining point for the brothers, but we’re also shown that they cause more trouble than anything else. Again, part-and-parcel of being a demon, right?

So why aren’t other demons like this?

Look at Diavolo and Barbatos, or even just the background demons who work across Devildom. Look at No. 2. They are all far more complex, and could even be considered normal. No. 2 is specifically meant to be based off of Mammon and his greed, but is much more rounded when we interact with it.

If Diavolo is meant to be the ruler of demonkind -- the paragon of what a demon should be -- then why would he not be the epitome of all of these Sins in one? What is Diavolo, instead?

Diavolo is accepting.

Hold up a moment here. What? Sorry y’all but it sounds to me like Mr. Demon Daddy King trusts his son enough to pass the kingdom on to him... so that must mean that Diavolo is behaving as a demon should.

Barbatos doesn’t question Diavolo’s choices. Nobody does. He’s an all around popular ruler. Devildom seems to be quite.. the opposite of what we’ve been trained to expect, huh? Trained by who exactly?

What are the Demon Brothers?

Cursed. They don’t act like other demons because they’re not like other demons. When they rebelled against their Father, they were punished for this act, but I posit that the punishment and the exile were two different acts. Their Father knew that leaving the Celestial Realm was not punishment to those who desired free will. So instead, he gave them Sin. Something that Demons are not normally bound to.

But how would the brothers know this? They only know what they’ve been taught by angels about demons. Surely these new, pressing desires come from turning into demons..?

So, why was this not taken seriously?

Short answer: it was. But in the way that aligns with Diavolo’s ultimate goals.

Diavolo wants peace.

Let’s Talk About Simeon

Simeon is an enigma and a half isn’t he?

Simeon is close with Michael, closer than Luke in any case. Now, I’ll be honest, I can’t remember if it was a fanfiction I read that said this or if it was canon so uh - forgive me. But Simeon was chosen to accompany Luke as an exchange student so that Luke would get some education. Simeon says this is to help relations, as Diavolo wants, but of course that’s what you would say as a sleeper agent?

Now, don’t get sad. Because we love Simeon here and we support him.

Simeon is wise and neutral. He seems to support the brothers, and even still wishes to foster a relationship with them. This could be seen as an attempt to bring them back, or some such, but I like to think that Simeon knows what’s wrong with the Celestial Realm.

Simeon, however, doesn’t think that a revolt can solve it. Simeon is working with Diavolo to create a form of peace - and has been transparent about the fact that Michael chose him to prevent Luke from being corrupted. I like to think he’s also been transparent with Diavolo about Michael’s actual goal.

Simeon believes that the races should co-exist and love freely. How could love be evil, after all? Whether or not this is a new concept to him (because of his falling for you) or if this is just who he is, I’ll leave up to you and your preferences, but since he is now no longer undateable, it is established that he does not believe love between angels and humans to be bad - as his Father did with Lilith.

What happened, then?

My theory is that Simeon told Diavolo that Michael had given him a task - to give these bangles to the brothers to remind them of the joy they were missing by disobeying the Divine Order. Either that, or to brainwash them into coming back home.

Simeon’s position would be revealed to Michael if he didn’t give the brothers the bangles, but he does not want to instigate another war either. So he told Diavolo Michael’s plan.

Diavolo wants peace, and he knows that with time, the brothers can overcome this mind control as they had in the past - especially with his help.

So thus comes the “party”.

An excuse to make the bangles seem like a “harmless” gift, that had only gone wrong because of strange magical interference, when really they had done exactly what they were supposed to.

And a wonderful way to maintain peace while leaving the Celestial Realm to stew in their own pots.

Simeon gets to maintain his facade for everyone - and put on a show for Michael as being loyal. He also gets to show Luke that perhaps being wholly angelic isn’t the way for some people, letting him learn a little more about peaceful coexistence. Nothing happens to ruin Diavolo’s grand plan for peace, and he gets to learn more about the curse that is set upon his friends - One that he hopes to be able to break someday, so they can live their lives unfettered by their Father.

#okay this has gone on long enough #i have other ideas about satan in this whole situation but this is my canon now okay #the celestial realm is shady af #Our group of friends are the ones trying to rebel against it #but also are the victims of what happens if you do #man i wish that they would go into deep lore and plot like this in the game #but its an otome so i can't really expect that #anyway this is how im going to treat the whole thing #obey me lore #lore #bast babbles #obey me event #angel event #obey me angel event #obey me #obey me shall we date #obswd #headcanons

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mariaiscrafting · 3 years

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ahhhh ty ty ty <3

ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.

he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:

• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.

let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo

my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.

• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)

(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2

pt. 2:

Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2

Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):

Speed of Dream's rise to fame

The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase

Post-MCC HBomb stream

Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans

Manipulation & RSD

Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand

The “just a dude” argument, flipped

First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.

Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.

Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.

Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues. My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.

Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way. Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.

Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand. Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.

I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.

Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.

Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.

#ive been writing this on and off since 830 am est SHEESH #dreamwastaken #dream critical #eh i think im relatively lenient of him here given my past posts ab him #but still just in case the blacklist tags for yalls convenience:#discourse #/neg #asks #long post #long posts #this a LONG one bois #morango

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pilted · 4 years

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unprompted. / always accepting !!

@hamartio said : "color me surprised," the herald's tone just isn't half as poisonous as it should be because of his augments, because of the metallic tone underlying his words. "but i did not expect to see the defender of tomorrow in zaun. not even in the entresol." there's no threat in his tone, just a bitterness typical to whatever interactions they have had the past many years.

PRIDE'S EVERY SHADE DEEPLY WOVEN INTO HEART, swelling & aching, incessant beat promoting growth from scarred past // such does intact intellect state, deriving answer from mundane concepts that heart could never begin to understand ———— constant opposition, clashing at every opportune moment, ideological differences at center of conflict, forced to antagonize one another for sake of progress. forsaking prior notions of cooperation to pave way for those beneath them ( oh, how they must pursue guiding lights of tomorrow ! how collective gaze of masses fixates on battered mind & heart, whose goals remain in eternal conflict !! ), this was now how it was meant to be. // growth comes not from every beat. in lieu of desired progress, shard of eternal reminiscence at each heart's bump against chest, replaying fatal moments of their downfall, where heart & soul, conjoined under teachings of free will, advocate for law of nature, clamor that to be bounded by law of nature & not law of man is only possible means to move forward !

& he still stands by it.

sought light not a blinding one ; rather, it is virtuous in design, it is correct, it is still the best possible solution. to relinquish control is to forego sense of self. to be blessed with opportunity to make smallest move, minute act, curling of digits for one, it is to be granted liberty through nature's law. safety priority, always has been, but not at expense of innate control over one's own actions.

& yet, he is here.

foggy mist over head fails to mask darkness of night, inky canvas above head, blessing of light not yet bestowed upon. supposed twinkling stars did not gleam, for each star's fate known : bright light approaching inevitable dying ember, marching towards end of time, extinguished by her merciful hands. natural light shall not be offered on this descent, no, no, for varied lights of buildings around compensate what illumination drapes over city of zaun ; intensity without limits at some corners, marking each step a natural flow that did not necessitate any prior musing where each foot must land, no worry, no worry. vestiges of guiding light now more apparent with each further step, treading towards entresol with meticulous steps, every move slow & hesitant as doubt's lingering whispers plague every thought, every step. instilled in mind ... fear of falling ? or shall it be demons of the past, their endless conquest seizing each untouched corner, cooing placid sonatas with every intent of bringing to fruition seed of doubt lying at root of heart ? no, NO !!!

he can't back down now. not when he's already here. ( why are you here ? ) to talk to him. ( nothing will ever be the same ) at what cost ? to remain in silent at stalemate where neither dared entertain thought of confrontation ? are they to be land & sea, destined to never meet over theoretical differences ? shall stifling air caught in throat never experience flight ? gods. resolute may heart's senses be, mustered strength cannot be found.

he stands before his door. one minute. two minutes. five. ten. lavenders commit to naught more but gaze at frame, at unopened entrance, eyes shifting slightly to own gloved hand, contemplating success of this ———— whatever this is. there is no time for sustained interaction, for the days where they conversed from dawn's rise to dusk's fall are but honeyed memories that do not reflect current truth, the objective truth which he so pursues to understand. fate dictates such : strain in relationship continues to exist, a malign factor that must be ceased to return to far gone glory days. to speak to him again. ( oh, how foolish he for conjuring the thought, but to dream is to feel, to feel is to be ) here to instigate first step, courage's blessing facilitating his descent to mezzanine of zaun. to leave behind comfort of city that acclaims him as hero. to descend into town he'd sworn to never visit at prime of his youth. to mend what an inventor's hand cannot hope to fix by own means : a friendship he yet yearns for !!

he does not knock.

deep inhale, exhale, & he resolves to leave, nearly turning on own heel 'till that door opens before him, rendering jayce speechless for few moments at that familiar voice. his voice. deeply ingrained into each vocable a metallic tone, a bitterness of the past revived yet again through mere reminder of all that happened. resentment binded itself to both hearts, coiling 'round organ, for the woes & sorrow both inflicted on each other, for the aching pangs at chest that wished for the past, to return to simpler days, to again have partner at his side. he must not falter. he must not falter. not before him. not if very moment was key that conjoined separate paths. not if future can be crafted to have both at each other's side, two minds of superior intelligence resolute to seek dulcet middle ground for each theory, each invention they created.

❛ viktor. ❜ foreign. movements of the mouth, drop of his name, feels so foreign against own tongue, rising cacophony at heart from slight utterance. silence ensues, lights around them dim, shadows accentuated on jayce's personage ———————— fortune favoring oncoming bravado, lilac orbs betraying donned veil. all for the sake of pride. ❛ what can i say ? i just wanted to take a stroll. ❜ hearty, nearly convincing chuckle, lacking any heart or passion whatsoever. curve of his lips upward into grin is faux. it's fatiguing. this façade shall not be the foundation for brighter future. it won't. ❛ found myself here. ❜ truth is difficult. it is an obstacle as much as it is a virtue. brows furrow, no vestiges of prior grin as lips press into fine line. for a man acclaimed as light of tomorrow, there is no light in those eyes who have since then lost their spark upon past's folly. doubt inhibits progress through perilous journey. he must eradicate it. ❛ viktor, ❜ so comes forthright query, foot conscious pressed betwixt frame & door, cautious prevention of letting of them escape this. it's time to stop running. ❛ can we talk ? ❜ he blinks. once, twice. laced in his tone a melancholic bitterness.

❛ i'm not taking no for an answer. ❜

#* IC.#* ASK.#* VERSE / MAIN.#hamartio #[ god this turned out to be so long i. am so sorry. LFJHLFJDK ]#[ IM STILL EXPERIMENTING W/ THIS STYLE OF WRITING NOX!!!!! ]

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angrylizardjacket · 6 years

Text

And All The Queen’s Men {Roger Taylor}

A/N: 5486 words. Okay wow. Please bare with me, this is a long one and also a bit of a different one. Written in the style of a Rolling Stone article. Finished it at 7am. Prompt & support from the lovely @ginghampearlsnsweettea

[And All The Queen’s Men ‘verse masterpost]

Warning: Minor character death, in both senses, it’s a baby, it’s not graphic it’s just mentioned, but just thought I should let you know.

And All The Queen’s Men: how the lines blurred between Queen and and the Queen of Jazz Rock.

An article almost two years in the making, after their last tour, which I was invited along to in order to write the initial article, the rock sensation Queen split, a decision, I am lead to be believe, was instigated by front man Freddie Mercury, and though Giselle Jones had continued to make music, even before her very public, on-stage breakdown, her lawyers had me keep the article to myself. Now, with the band’s reunion, and Live Aid having been a massive success with both powerhouse musical names coming back into the public eye, I’ve invited them back to my office for one last interview, but mostly to beg them to let me publish this article.

Which, obviously, they allowed.

It’s 1985, and with them all sitting in front of me, I feel a sense of deja vu. There are some changes, of course, Roger Taylor’s hair is shorter, Giselle Jones is wearing jeans and a sweater rather than her well-known cocktail dress, but John Deacon’s still smiling at me, Brian’s looking about the room, perhaps seeing if anything’s changed, and Freddie Mercury’s draped casually on the left of the only non-Queen member of the bunch.

But before I get into the past two years, maybe I should take you back a bit, to when Giselle and Queen began collaborating.

Giselle Jones began in the late sixties as the front-woman of a swing band in a thirties theme pub known as Modern Glamour. Tall, elegant, with a voice like honey, she had a small following of regulars that frequented the pub, but had kept her passion from music from her family, claiming she was merely a waitress at the establishment, since her father was an executive at EMI, and she didn’t want to seem like the subject of nepotism.

However, one fateful day, her father brings music industry giant to the pub for lunch, hoping to catch Giselle at work and introduce her, but as you know, they both got a lot more than they bargained for. Foster sees potential in her, and offers her a contract if she’s willing to modernise her act, and as we all know, she does.

When Giselle releases her first album in 1970, Velvet Roses, which would be the first and only “Jazz” record to hit the Top 40 charts for that year, Queen are still playing pub gigs around London, though they’re looking at recording their first album, which would eventually get EMI’s attention, but that’s still not for a while. At this point, they’re the biggest fish in a very small uni-pub pond, and they need the means to grow. So out goes the band’s van, for one night in a recording studio.

“Like, in retrospect, of course it was the right decision.” Taylor leans against the back of the sofa he’s sitting on in my office in 1982, voice contemplative and fingers locked together as he looks into the past. “But I was twenty-two at the time, selling my van was a big deal.”

“A big enough deal that you wrote a song about it.” Giselle adds, sitting beside him in the middle of the sofa. Deacon hides a smile though May doesn’t hide his snort of laughter.

The smirked remark is at odds with her look. While the boys are all in various states of brightly patterned shirts and jeans, looking casual and comfortable; Giselle wears white, sequinned, off-the-shoulder gown that hugs her figure and hits the floor, a slit in the thigh where her leg crosses, dark skin a stunning contrast to both the white fabric of her dress, and the leather of my sofa. Hands folded in over her knee, there’s not a singular hair out of place where she’s got it slicked back; I can’t look at her directly, she’s so focused and well put-together that it’s like staring at the sun.

The contrast has always been apparent in their various works, though Mercury has, in the past, cited her as an early inspiration for his desire to add a certain classical gravitas to rock and roll, and though she hasn’t publicly stated anything, the amount of covers Giselle has performed lived could fill an album. And now, here they are, about leave for a double-billed tour of the US, which I have been asked to join.

But their connection goes back much further than this, all the way back to 1975, to the release of the smash-hit single Bohemian Rhapsody That very same year, Giselle releases her fifth single, Dinner and a Show, a lyrically dissonant, heart pumping anthem that’s a metaphor for the way any type of review fuelled her, since it meant people were talking about her work.

You serve yourself on a platter; your putrid delights, / yet how can I refrain? / You don’t come to flatter, you don’t want to go / so come on baby, / don’t you know? / You’re treating me to dinner and a show.

Giselle’s usually silky performance is turned into a masterclass of vocal gymnastics as she slides easily from the rough intensity of rock and roll, to the smooth purr of jazz as she sings about eating critics for breakfast.

They say a free mind makes the meat so tender / now you’re on the menu and I’m a big spender

The song itself comes as a response to her former manager about how her “aggressive” move to music that more stylistically rock and roll was alienating older audiences, though Foster, still her producer at the time, was pushing for her to skew to a younger audience, and it seemed as though he had gotten his way.

The real change, however, was the B-Side of the record. After speaking to Jim “Miami” Beach, Queen’s lawyer, regarding potentially covering one of the band’s songs, Giselle reveals that she was eventually told to just ask them directly.

“I gave Miami a letter that basically explained that I’d like to cover one of their songs for my new album,” Giselle gives me a thin smile, and I feel like I’ve done something wrong, even though I’m assured by Brian that her public persona “is just like that sometimes”.

“- and I thought it was a joke! I said ‘yeah, sure, what’s the worst that could happen’.” Mercury laughs, leaning forward elbows on his knees and eyes shinning with amusement. “I did not believe for one second that Giselle, Giselle-” repeating her name for emphasis, his hand comes to quickly rest on hers where she still has them perfectly still on her knee, a moment of solidarity, “wanted anything to do with us. Hand Held Heart had been at the top of the US charts for almost three whole weeks the year before.” Letting out a long, wistful sigh, Mercury sits back, still grinning, though he’s got this far away look on his face now.

“So we’d been stuck on a farm, recording A Night At The Opera for weeks with no outside communications, ” May fills in where Mercury’s faded into his own memories, and Taylor slings arm around Giselle where she’s actually relaxed somewhat, hands now in her lap. Curiously, she doesn’t shrug him off. “And when we get back, it turns out that she’s put a jazz cover of Jesus, yeah, that song from our first album, on the B-Side of her newest single.”

“Freddie practically had a heart attack.” Deacon adds, patting Mercury’s shoulder fondly.

In her own way, she was continuing the trend that Dinner and a Show had started, and that seven-inch single would bestow upon Giselle the title of Queen of Jazz Rock. It hadn’t been the first time she had acknowledged the band publicly, by the time she had released the single, her public persona had gained enough traction that, a few months prior to her recording of the cover, a reporter had asked if Killer Queen, Queen’s biggest hit at the time, had been written about her. The question had been caught on camera by the reporter after one of her tour stops in the Midwest of America; the footage is a favourite of fans, including myself, of the way she doesn’t even turn, simply calls over her shoulder, ‘they should be so lucky’, and she gets into her waiting car.

“I never took offence,” Mercury tells me, both in 1982, and 1985, as I bring it up both times to consolidate the origins of their musical partnership.

“You wouldn’t, you were all starry-eyed for her back then.” Taylor leans back to address Mercury behind Giselle’s head, but only when he says it the first time, in 1982.

“It was a bit of a dig at us,” Deacon agrees with the drummer, nodding before shrugging. “A lot of good came out of it, though.” The others seem to agree, but Giselle herself has stayed quiet. For the first time since the interview started, she looks away from me, gaze dipping as she seems inclined to speak, though she takes her time to weigh up her words before she says them, wondering exactly what will and will not be printed.

“It was a bit of s**t thing to say. I was twenty-four and I panicked, I had to keep up my... this persona.” She gestures now to herself, breaking the entire physicality as she lets herself lean back, and I feel like I can breathe, seeing her act so human. Adjusting, she lets herself rest of the slightest of diagonals, shoulder to shoulder with Taylor’s arm still around her, now with Mercury petting her knee in solidarity.

Once in the tour bus, the difference between Giselle Jones, the woman, and Giselle, the singer and personality, becomes almost jarring to see. As soon as we get into the bus, she strips off the gown she was wearing, I turn away, though the others don’t seem to be bothered by it, May takes the dress to a waiting assistant by the door, and when I turn back, she’s in a pair of sweat pants and Taylor is tossing her shirt several sizes too big for her. For the first time since I’ve learned about her, Giselle looks comfortable, looks approachable and, for lack of a better word, non-robotic, taking a hairbrush from a drawer and flopping onto one of the beds as she brushes out the gel, apparently not bothering with a shower just yet.

“I showered this morning.” She seems to have caught my confused look, and explains herself. With her guard lowered in the familiar situation, her natural voice shines through, a rich, yet feminine alto, reminiscent of her singing voice. It adds to the list of things that add character to her beyond what her “persona” could ever convey. Or perhaps that’s the point.

The bus itself is almost too small for the five performers, and I’m certain it won’t fit me, but Giselle and I watch as they cram a blow up bed onto the kitchen table. It looks stable, and for the opportunity to experience living in such close quarters with such big names, I’d take anything.

“Sorry, darling, Paul takes the only spare bed.” Mercury informs me as I shimmy up onto the bed to test if it would hold. I had thought that the vehicle was at capacity, though it does make sense that the band’s day-to-day manager, Paul Prenter, would be travelling with them. That being said, I hadn’t realised there was even a spare bed, there was only five, perhaps none of them had wanted to be subjected to the blow up bed and decided to share instead.

When we finally get on the road, I get to finally see their true dynamics emerge. We all know the Queen dynamics by now, brotherly yet volatile, at times. I had worried for Giselle at times, the concept of living with four men (five if you count Prenter, who Giselle does not seem to, when I ask her about it, though I don’t think that’s a subject I should pry about, judging by the look on Taylor’s face where I can see him lounging at the back of the bus). However, I should have not have been worried; first of all, despite the youthfulness of their appearances, performances, and spirit, these are all men in their 30s, Giselle herself being 31 at the time of writing (1982), and they all have experience living with women, and with each other.

“First tour was a nightmare.” Deacon’s joined me on the blowup bed, is sipping tea as we travel along. “We learned real quick how disgusting close quarters can be.” He’s a quiet soul, but observant, and honestly I really enjoy his company. Anyone who can weather over a decade of rock and roll and come out as calm as him deserves some sort of recognition. “It’s much better now. Mostly.” He smiles like it’s an inside joke, but won’t elaborate. Giselle and Taylor refuse to clarify what he means by that, May just laughs when I ask him, directing me back to ask Taylor and Giselle, and Mercury calls them all gossips.

It’s something about the tour lifestyle that must bring out the childishness in them all, which comes out strongly during dinner. They shove my blowup bed into the sleeping quarters when dinner is served, and the five of us manage to cram into the tiny booth the bus allows. May, Deacon and Giselle are in charge of cooking dinner, sausages, potatoes, and peas, since apparently Prenter and Mercury have taken lunch duties, and Roger has put himself in charge of getting coffee and tea for everyone in the morning.

“We should really eat breakfast.” Giselle muses through half a mouthful of food.

“I do!” Deacon, next to me, comes back with, pouring some more peas onto his plate.

“You just eat cereal from the box, Deaky, that’s not breakfast.” Taylor counters him, which just causes the rest of the table to devolve into an argument about what counts as breakfast. Prenter, who has joined us for the meal, looks like he’d rather be napping or still driving, and makes quiet work of his meal.

Roger Taylor goes to sleep after me, and wakes up before I do, and I’m not sure how he does it. Or where he sleeps, the other beds seem taken. He wakes me up on the first morning by shoving my bed, which slides a few centimeters, but isn’t about to fall off it’s perch.

“You want coffee?” I’m barely functioning at this point, and his question baffles me. “Tea? Coffee? Deaky’s cereal? We got some left over sausages.” He lists off, probably due to my clear confusion, he seems exasperated, even though he’s definitely wearing pyjamas too. He’s still scowling a little when I tell him how I like my coffee, but he doesn’t complain, and it tastes exactly like I like it when he hands it over. The bus is stationary, so he can put the cups by the bedsides of those they are for, but interestingly enough he joins me on the table/bed.

I know the origin story of Queen, I think everyone does at this point, so I ask him instead about the subject of my article; how Queen got involved with Giselle.

“You wanna know how I met Giselle?” It’s not exactly what I asked, but he’s already thinking about it, looking past me to the sleeping quarters with a frown. He plays absent-mindedly with the chain around his neck, and with the ring attached to it. “I thought everyone knew about that, the whole thing where we hated each other from the start?” When I ask if it was true, he actually laughs, though it’s more a snort of derision, if I’m being honest. “Of course not. Mostly.” They all seem to like that word, I hadn’t taken them all to be vague.

“I told him to take a long walk off a short pier.” Giselle will clarify for me later that day, joining me as I take a smoke break at one of our bathroom stops, not that there isn’t a toilet on the bus, they just try to avoid using it as much as possible. She doesn’t smoke, claims she never has, but enjoys the company, while the boys are buying snacks at the gas station. I ask when it was, she gives me another thin smile, but not like it had been in the office. Here it’s the punctuation to an earlier joke rather than a judgement.

She tells me about how she actually met them all, recording her second album, after her 1972 performance on Top of the Pops, you know the one. It had cemented Giselle’s now iconic aesthetic of an off the shoulder, floor length sequinned gown, silk gloves, and bold red lipstick, dark hair falling victory curls, the whole look reminiscent of an old Hollywood star, though there was red glitter trailing from her lips, and on her gloves in a theatrical fabrication of blood. It had been a look inspired by her musical roots, and the theatricality of the then-popular glam rock, a movement which would inspire many of Mercury’s tour looks also.

She was twenty-one at the time, still “developing her persona”, when she found that the in-house recording equipment at EMI was being used by the then-still quite unknown Queen. Or rather, according to Giselle, just Taylor.

“He was packing up the last of his equipment, and he makes a pass at me, thinks I’m an intern.” We can see the boys leaving the gas station, Taylor himself heading the pack. “So yeah, told him to take a long walk off a short pier.” She laughs, seems to hold the memory quite dear. “That b******d has the gall to look me in the eyes and ask who I am.”

“Did he know who you were?” When I look at her, she’s still smiling, tipping her head to the side as the boys draw close. She seems to be paying attention to me, but not a lot.

“Yeah, told me later he was just pissed I didn’t throw myself at him. That’s why I said that, ‘they should be so lucky’ thing, actually, that motherf****r right there.” The way she says it, raising her finger to point at him, makes me think it’s a story she’s told before, one that he knows about.

“You talking about me?” Taylor yells, and Giselle is quick to answer that she is. “Don’t spill all my secrets.” It sounds like an order, but his smile says it’s not, it’s weirdly playful, a dynamic I didn’t expect from them, especially considering their history. I raise the point. She laughs at me.

“You’re kidding, right?”

Prenter calls for everyone on the bus, and Giselle doesn’t think to clarify once we’re back on board.

The tour, I should have mentioned earlier, is a double feature; Queen is promoting their album Hot Space, while Giselle is promoting her own, The Bend Before the Break. When I ask her about the album itself, she talks happily about a few of the songs, however when I bring up my personal favourites, Ache and Heaven Sent, she turns very quiet.

I will end up watching most of her performances, and to this day, I have never seen something as raw and spiritual as Giselle performing Ache.

The lights dim as the joyful Meant to Be finishes. On the studio recording, a double bass starts the song, long, grieving and angry notes that pick up in tempo as it’s joined by drums and a piano, and finally, her voice, low, bitter and seductive in equal measure. Here, there’s silence, as she gently croons the open lines, face illuminated by only a single gold light, as swirling red and purple lights move about the stage.

While saying you were sorry, / you burned me from the outside, in. / Now I’m calloused all over, / And too tired to feel the sting. / But I feel the ache, / feel the ache / feel the ache. / I’ll still let you back in.

She plays the piano herself for this song, a skill, I later learn Mercury had taught her many years ago. It’s a song that tugs at your gut, gets you thinking about how you keep people in your life who aren’t the best for you. She ends the last chorus with a long, mournful wail that you feel in your bones.

I’ve never heard a crowd so quiet as when she finishes Ache, the penultimate song of her set list, unless you count encores.

The final song of the night is always Heaven Sent, a bright, headbanging anthem with the musical gravitas of a full jazz band. It was her single from the album, it topped most charts. You know the one. The radio won’t stop playing it.

Divinity with a neon glow / it hung above his head, / promoting his next show. / Didn’t even try to find my light, / just the darkness he’d bestow. / Heaven sent me the Morningstar.

“I was cheated on.” Was all she will say about the songs.

The others steer clear of those songs as well, when talking about the album, as well as the titular song, The Bend Before the Break, though Giselle claims she has moved on from the feelings associated in all three songs.

“I wrote them first on the album, I’ve moved on.”

Each of the boys seems very protective of Giselle at times, though Taylor is by far the worst. If I’m being honest, was weird to me, they’d been at each other’s throats publicly and professionally for almost a full decade after Giselle’s initial comment, however the vitriol had died down in the past few years, so I enquire about that about halfway through the six week tour.

“We set them up.” May is the first to answer, sipping tea with myself, Deacon and Mercury. Since both Giselle and Taylor adjourned to the sleeping quarters. I ask him what he means.

“They tell it better.” Mercury interjects, but May argues that they’re asleep anyways so it’s not like it matters. Deacon agrees with Mercury, but quiet enough that May ignores him.

“So by ‘79, we’ve collaborated together, us and ‘Zelle, I mean,” the nickname is mostly used by May and Taylor, though Deacon uses it on occasion, “a couple of times, and we love her, right boys? We love her-” looking around, both Mercury and Deacon are nodding along, responding to a story they’d both heard before, though it was interesting for my first time hearing it, “but Rog is about ready to stab her with his drumsticks, but that’s just how he is.”

“Threatened to stab me once.” Deacon adds the unnerving information with complete serenity, focused on his cup.

“Me a couple of times.” Mercury shakes his head, as if it were some schoolboy prank rather than a stabbing threat.

“Like I said, just how he is. So we decide to send them to a place where they can bond over complaining about everything else, apart from each other.” I asked how it worked out for them and I watch as their faces fall. This terrible blind date idea must have gone horribly. “They hate the restaurant, which is good, but he goes to leave and bumps the table, spilling beer all over her dress, which is bad,” well, obviously. He pays me no mind, “and she elbows him in the face when she’s putting her jacket on - still don’t know how that one happened - but he still says he’ll take her home because it’s late, except-”

“To preface,” Deacon jumps in here, adding a little more milk to his tea, “she hates I’m In Love With My Car.” The song? Deacon nods. “Rog wrote it.” I can connect the dots, but I’m still confused as to how that lead to them being friends.

“Friends.” Mercury actually laughs into his cup.

“He takes her home anyways, she tells him the song’s s**t bu the sentiment wasn’t far off.” May finishes, shrugging.

“It was a real nice car.” Deacon shrugged, before looking straight at me. “And she still hates the song to this day.” There’s an air of finality to his words that is entirely unwarranted. That isn’t the point of the story; how are they friends now? Did they hook up in his car? Is that what they’re implying, I feel like such a gossip asking these questions.

“Did they ho- ? Yeah, of course.” May laughs, and though it clears some things up, I’m still rather confused. It’s probably reading on my face, because it looks like something else is dawning on him. “You know they’re married, right?”

No. No I did not know. Now I feel like an idiot.

I wonder if The Bend Before the Break is about Taylor? I can sense I’ve touched a nerve when I ask, and Mercury abruptly changes the subject, though the air still doesn’t feel right. When I head back through the sleeping area to get a new pen from my luggage, I catch a glimpse of Giselle napping in her bunk, Taylor too, asleep with his arm around her. She’s even wearing a wedding ring. I’m kicking myself for not noticing sooner. The chain with the ring around Taylor’s neck makes sense now. A lot of things make sense now.

For the next four days I feel like I’m being shunned, I’m the last to be told about dinner and have to eat the leftovers, Giselle barely says two words to me, Taylor just keeps glowering, and someone let the air out of my bed on the second night. It’s childish, but it’s in line with what I expect from them, regarding this sort of issue, I’m just glad Taylor hasn’t poured my coffee on me in my sleep, or spat in it. He just didn’t make it, which I suppose is probably the safest option for me.

The only apology I can think of is to offer to buy them all drinks, but it works well enough, and the next morning I wake to a fresh cup of coffee, and a very hungover Taylor. At least he’s dedicated to his job.

The rest of the tour passes without further incident. I still stand by Ache as one of my favourite musical performances of the decade, though I don’t mention it to Giselle, and now that I know the dynamic between her and Taylor, I can’t stop seeing it. Honestly, readers, they’re all over each other, which is expected from a man of Taylor’s reputation, but it’s still a little jarring to see the two of them so cozy. I must have been blind not to see it before.

When we part ways, Giselle is a little stiff with me.

“You brought up some feelings that I just... hadn’t actually dealt with at the time, which f******d me up.” She tells me in retrospect, sitting in my office with the rest of the boys in 1985. Live Aid was a few weeks ago, and since they all returned to the spotlight, I asked if they wanted to come and reflect on the past few years. The one thing that hasn’t changed is the fact that Giselle still swears like a sailor.

“A lot’s happened in the past few years.” Taylor’s still very protective of her, and after everything that’s conspired, at least from what I know, it’s warranted. We talk about the band splitting, how it had hurt the band as a whole, and even Giselle, who was at the time seeing a counsellor with Taylor. I’m hesitant to broach the topic of their relationship, though they seem like a solid until now, sitting before me, holding hands and leaning against one another.

I ask if Giselle’s breakdown was due to the band splitting, though I’m hesitant if I’ll get a response. Her smile is sad, which is mirrored by the rest of the band. I can guess her response before she says it.

“No.”

You all know the moment I’m talking about, the last concert for her last album, as of this publication, Finally, Sunlight where she had receive pleas from the audience for an encore. When she came back out, part of her makeup had been smudged around her eyes, and you can hear her sniffle over the microphone. (”I’m so sorry, I lost someone close to me, I thought I could keep it together for one night.” Dabbing at her eyes, she sits at the piano and laughs, but there’s no heart in it. “But I’ve got five more minutes left in me, let’s go, Atlanta.”) The song she plays is Somebody to Love, a slow, soulful cover, and the audience is almost unanimous in their raised lighters and slow swaying. As she goes on, she just starts crying harder, missing notes, hands shaking; the extended ‘Looooord’ before the chanting becomes a desperate wail, a plea to the heavens, and she collapses onto the piano, sobbing audibly as the instruments all come to uncertain halt and lighters go down in confusion.

From the crowd, a single voice begins to chant ‘Find me somebody to love. / Find me somebody to love.’ and a single voice turns to a theatre, full to the brim, as they sing when she can’t, still crying against the piano. Lighters go up, and together the audience and the band finishes the song where words have failed her. It was televised locally on the night, and still brings me to tears when I watch it now.

“We lost our daughter.”

For those of you reading this who are shocked, I am too. Sitting there like a fool, not saying anything.

“I was on tour, and Rog was at home with her,” even now, Giselle is getting a little teary-eyed, not that I blame her. Both Taylor and Mercury have an arm around her, and May has a hand on her shoulder, Deacon sitting on the back of the sofa right behind her. A unit. A family. “I wanted to go home, she was getting really sick, and I know he was doing everything he could, but I just- I wanted to be there... but my label threatened to sue me for... millions.” It sounds like it’s hard to say, and she’s wiping a tear from her eyes. I offer her the tissues on my desk. “But I should have gone home. I should have been there by her side, I should have done more.” Taylor whispers something to her and she leans against him, taking comfort in him.

“I had to call her, tell her that... that she’d passed. The day of the show. She’d been so upset for week, ‘Zelle that is, and everything just-” Taylor manages to get a great handle on his emotions, despite his misty eyes and shaking hands. “We’re alright now though, see? Nothing can tear us apart.” Though his voice does drop, so I think he’s saying it more for Giselle’s benefit. I give them all time to collect themselves, stop to get hot drinks for everyone, and everyone finally seems happy enough to answer when I ask what’s next for them.

“Music, of course.” Mercury says, now holding what was Giselle’s free hand. The rest of the gathered musicians agree. I ask if we’ll be hearing any sort of collaboration between Queen and the Queen of Jazz Rock. Taylor snickers, pulling Giselle close.

“Yeah, but not in the way you mean.” He ignores the rest of the men’s shouts of disgust, as well as his wife’s own gagging noise, which I can see on her face she regrets as she covers her mouth with caution, before giving the okay.

“No, we’re okay, we’re good.” She assures everyone, before looking at me. “What he meant to say is that I’m pregnant.” She clarifies. Taylor is still grinning.

“Don’t be gross, Rog.” May calls from the other side of the sofa, and Taylor has the gall to look accosted.

“What’s next for me, after everything that’s happened, is family.” Giselle says over the sounds of her husband’s indignant huffs, though his expression turns soft at her words, and they ignore the ‘boo’s of everyone else as they kiss.

“Could you be less gross around company?” Deacon asks, still mild-mannered as ever. This seems to be the cue for the interview to end, as Taylor of Giselle-

“It’s Giselle Taylor, by the way, I’m sorry I hadn’t corrected you earlier.” She corrects me now, as [Roger] Taylor leads her out of the door. The rest of the band seem mildly exasperated at their antics, but still ready to answer my questions. After everything that’s happened, I’m a little overwhelmed, I’m not sure where to go from here.

Perhaps my next article will be on Live Aid.

#roger taylor #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor x oc #queen #bohemian rhapsody #borhap #bo rhap #queen imagine #freddie mercury #brian may #john deacon #the angry lizard writes #bohemian rhapsody imagine

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clairekatswritingcorner · 6 years

Text

Where Do We Go From Here?

Word Count: 2,104

Summary: Alexys is the only one who believes in him, and part of that is only because she believes in herself. Despite the warning signs, she refuses to accept that there isn’t something redeemable in the alien overlord that was once a formidable enemy to she and her crew. Can her hope prevail over his malevolence?

*Author’s Note*: Another commission for @bad-blue-moon-rising, this time featuring her bad timeline canon AU for her selfship with Ug! Just by that description you should expect that it’s sad, and if you don’t, I’m telling you that it’s tragic and makes my heart hurt jfielshge BUT never fear, somewhere in there a happy ending can still be seen. I hope you enjoy!

A few weeks had passed since they’d managed to put the chaos to rest, but things were still pretty tense. Alexys was the one who shouldered the brunt of the burden, considering the integral role she’d played in creating this situation in the first place. Thanks to her, the fallout had caused less damage than expected, which was a relief no one took for granted. But she’d also convinced the crew to allow her to bring the TerraCor head back with them, alive and in one piece. Not everyone was keen on the idea from the beginning, and it had taken all of Alexys’s skill and persuasive power to convince them that this decision wouldn’t end up coming back to bite them. Their circumstances already couldn’t get much worse, which was probably why the team ended up caving to her proposition with minimal fuss.

Part of her was still in denial about the fact that she’d fought for such a cause at all. She had every right to be just as bitter as everyone else, to take her frustrations out on the man at the root of the nightmare they’d just barely managed to survive. He was ruthless and stubborn and unappealing…well, that last point was a little bit debatable in her eyes. Eyes whose opinion she wished she could have ignored, that she regretted letting sway her feelings in the first place. The man they’d captured and taken into their care was stoic and calculating and harsh, but Alexys was still able to see something more in him. She wasn’t entirely sure what that “more” happened to be yet, but she’d already decided that such information wasn’t essential for her to come to a conclusion.

It should have been, though. She should have used her head, listened to the others, taken their advice. She should have seen what they did, followed the thoughts and feelings they exhibited that were rationally guarded and judgmental. This alien tyrant didn’t deserve a second chance, didn’t deserve an opportunity to be rehabilitated, if such a thing was even possible. Something in Alexys desperately wanted to discover that it was, that she would be able to pull it off. She didn’t know the first thing about reforming someone’s bad habits, especially ones that were as nasty as his. Stampeding through the star systems and imposing his will on any and all that stood in his path. All he cared about was the wellbeing of his business—the entity, not the people.

He’d cost the crew members more than they cared to remember, but also what they swore they’d never forget. They couldn’t afford to, because they felt it was necessary to cling to the blame and rage that they’d cultivated towards this man who had become their natural enemy. So much conflict and confusion and pain…he’d instigated all of it, and yet Alexys wanted to keep him like a pet. She wanted to nurture him and help him see the error of his ways. The rest of the crew figured that receiving just punishment would be adequate enough to teach him a lesson, but the girl was insistent on not treating him with violence. To her, yielding to the encouragement of such malicious spite would only end up making them as bad as him.

They had a lot more to deal with upon their return to Earth than just the problems they brought back with them. That was another reason everyone had reluctantly deigned to agree with Alexys, because they didn’t have the energy or the focus to try to argue with her, knowing that in the end they still wouldn’t be able to change her mind. She was firm in her beliefs, and if she really wanted to be the one responsible for babysitting the heathen that’d threatened their lives, then what was the point of trying to stop her?

Well, it was the principle of the thing, really…none of them wanted to be forced to see the face of the man that’d caused them so much grief ever again, who had stolen so much from them, especially in Ethan’s case. Despite the close relationship he and Alexys shared, she wasn’t going to let it alter her conviction. Unfortunately, as a result, it seemed a rift had formed between them. Ethan rightfully felt betrayed, while Alexys felt guilty and confused about whether or not she’d actually done the right thing. She didn’t like knowing she’d hurt her friend, the boy who felt like family to her. He was still family in her eyes, but she wasn’t sure if he saw her that way anymore. As depressing as it was, they’d all lost someone, and if she could move past it and end up helping the culprit improve his ways and atone accordingly, then the extra suffering she was currently enduring would be worth it.

On the other hand, if he truly did end up changing his ways, Alexys wasn’t sure what she’d do. What could she do with someone like him, an alien with a merciless disregard for anything that didn’t suit him or his goals? He’d been somewhat cooperative with her so far, which was a good sign, but there was always a hint of caution in the back of her mind that was ready to pounce the moment something started to go wrong. She was sure she wouldn’t be able to fight or detain him on her own, which was an objective truth due to his strength. She’d seen what he could do with and without a weapon, and she was confident he’d be more than formidable in defending himself against even a group of trained athletes or soldiers. In a way, she supposed he could be seen as a soldier for his own cause. But he was going to have to let it rest, because that ship had sailed for him. Here on Earth, she was going to do whatever it took to impress the reality of his situation upon him.

They were sitting across from one another in the living room, her leaning against the armrest of her chair while he sat tied up in his own. A couple of her friends had made sure to tie him up tightly, and maybe even a little painfully. The alien didn’t mind, and for now neither did Alexys. His comfort wasn’t what was important, but his comprehension, his understanding. If she could get him to see things the way she and the rest of her friends did, maybe she’d have a better shot at convincing him why he needed to change. Whether he thought he’d done anything wrong or not, she was sure he had to have some sense of morals crammed in a dark corner of his subconscious, just waiting to be dusted off and put to good use again…if he’d ever even used them before, that is.

“Are you just going to sit there and stare at me all day?” His tone was thick with the implication that she was the one offending him. With a defiant huff she crossed her arms and settled back in her chair. “If I knew this is what I had to look forward to when I was brought to this bore of a planet, I would have put more effort into my escape.”

A bout of incredulous laughter burst forth from Alexys’s mouth. “Oh please. As if you have the means to try to escape now. How long are you going to keep this pompous leader complex up, anyway? Because I promise no one’s buying it anymore.”

“It’s not an act, it’s simply who I am,” he replied with a sneer, and Alexys shrugged.

“Well, you’re going to have to get over that eventually. Because no matter how much you want to be, that’s not who you are anymore. The people you controlled, the power you had, it’s all gone. Dust in the wind, never coming back. So, if you’re still interested in having some kind of meaningful future, you’ll stop being so arrogant and at least try to listen to what I have to say. What I’ve been saying for the past couple of weeks. I’m honestly getting tired of having to repeat myself.”

“Then you could just give up,” he challenged with a smirk, and Alexys was just a few seconds away from lunging over the table and punching him.

Instead, she stood up and made her way around the table in a much more civil, sensible manner. She leaned in close to his face, examining it for any trace of something salvageable she could work with. It was pretty hard, almost impossible, and the girl was starting to think maybe he was right. So much time and energy wasted on a lost cause, someone whose viewpoint wasn’t going to be influenced or budged no matter what she tried. But she couldn’t give up, not yet, maybe not ever. She’d vowed to make bringing this man back with them worth it, to have something to show after how hard she’d fought to make it happen. It was like they were caught up in an endless game, and somehow, he was playing it better than her without even knowing the rules. She wasn’t going to let him make her give in, though. If she ended up calling off this little arrangement, it would have to be on her terms.

He tried to shuffle away as she approached, but due to his restraints his movement was impaired to the point of immobility. He gritted his teeth in dissatisfaction, trying to overcome the urge to turn and look at her. There was something wrong with him every time he saw her face, something distracting and unpleasant. And the one thing that made it so unpleasant to him was that deep down…it actually wasn’t unpleasant. It wasn’t something he was trying to feel or think or do, but it seemed his mind and emotions had other plans, and they were running wild inside him with reckless abandon. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do if such things persisted…he wasn’t sure what he could do about them as they stood now.

What happened next startled them both beyond belief. Without warning or even really meaning to, Alexys reached out and ruffled his hair. Usually smooth and slicked down, she’d done away with any and all remnants of the utilitarian style. Now his hair was sticking up in all directions, naturally fluffy, curly, and voluminous. There were lingering traces of whatever product he’d used on it here and there, but for the most part she’d rubbed it all out. Or at least, she’d given his hair the opportunity to return to its original state as opposed to being forced into boring flatness by his hideous air gel.

“What in the—what are you doing?” he was simultaneously annoyed and astonished, and he also wasn’t sure which reaction was more potent. “Don’t touch me, what were you thinking?”

“I like it.”

That simple phrase shut him up in a heartbeat. He looked at her out of reflex, and the moment his eyes fell upon her face, he swore his heart stopped completely. She was looking at him with such affection, such tenderness…the softest expression he’d ever seen anyone make in the entire universe. No, those unwanted feelings couldn’t be coming back, she couldn’t be doing this to him…but she was. He was helpless to her charm, a charm that she didn’t even know she possessed, and that she probably would have denied if someone tried pointing it out to her. But it was this charm that kept him here, convinced him to be as accommodating as his pride could tolerate. Every time she used it on him, he felt another piece of his resolve being chipped away, making room for the feelings that seemed to never stop expanding deep within him.

“So, Counselor—” The way she said his title made him shiver. His real name was Ug, the name he’d been christened with at birth. He preferred to be known by his official title, Counselor Tetra, head of the recently disbanded TerraCor. A name that had once struck fear and respect into the hearts of anyone who heard it. He didn’t plan on giving into his captors easily, granting them access to information as personal as his true identity, but even his skepticism was getting difficult to cling to. When she said it, or really anything addressing him, all he could think about was how much he wanted her to do it again. “Where do we go from here?”

#self insert #selfinsert #self ship #selfship #oc x canon #self insert fic #self insert fanfiction #selfship fic #selfship fanfiction #self insert commissions #selfship commissions #my writing #claire writes #one shot #bad-blue-moon-rising #commission

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frustrated-writer-skyeknight · 3 years

Text

My OCs I'm still struggling to rewrite in my original story.

Here’s the plot so far and in a hiatus lol

🔥

“Thank you for your patronage!” Kyl beams, accepting a payment. “please come again.”

The woman smiles back in response, giving her own thanks before leaving the bakery. As soon as she steps out the shop, the boy sighs in relief, thankful that the last customer he had to deal with today was a mild elderly.

Kyl lets his smile fall with a heavy sigh, massaging his jaw with a hand. He huffs, running a hand through his hair, still peeved about a particularly irksome situation from the morning. He does what he can to give courteous and fair treatment to all customers, but that didn't make it any less aggravating to be polite to the brutes who intentionally made his job difficult, just to mess with him, for spending most of his time inside the bakery.

He knew he was different from most boys his age. Even his friends back home has ambitions of becoming knights or mercenaries in guilds, any job that meant action and adventure. Some of them don’t necessarily have a goal, but are still keen on mastering a weapon of sorts to be able to see the world as a wandering explorer.

As for Kyl, it wasn't that he found it completely satisfying to be a baker, and while he does see the appeal of the excitement that comes with the lifestyle aspired by his friends, compared to his own repetitive routine as a baker, he considers the peace it brings comforting enough. Kyl figured that if he was going to settle with being a baker for the rest of his life, he might as well learn how to deal with a wider range of customers.

Right now, he was assisting his uncle Teodor in his branch.

Teodor was like any typical Hearth family man. He was devoted to his craft, which only came second to his family. Even if it means being short on help, he wouldn’t let his wife, Myrah, lift a finger when she wasn’t in the best condition to do so. He did his best to replicate Myrah’s special recipes for some of their regular customers, but he wasn’t having much luck. The next person who could come close to baking them was his youngest nephew, Kyl. That was why he was here.

Kyl has a lot of relatives and they handle their own branch in their respective hometowns. Although not famous to get nationwide recognition, each was doing well. This was the first time that he was away from home for a long period. Because of a recent brawl which resulted in Myrah’s bad back, they were short staffed. Even though they were just three, they got by well enough. And it wasn't like there were never instances in the past that only two of the three would be the ones working the shop. It was especially the case back when Dru was a young toddler and prone to fever every now and then. Teodor had his fair share of moments when his blood pressure was too high and he needed rest to relieve his stress. But that never took a while, and they'd recover in a few days. This was the first time there needed to be a full month of resting for recovery, and neither Teodor nor his son could compete with Myrah in baking particular products even if they follow her recipe. But somehow, Kyl can come close.

Asides from lending a helping hand, Kyl was curious to find out the different challenges his relatives here faced, since they reside in a larger town. In a way, it was a welcomed change of pace from his dull routine back home. Since his hometown seemed more like a small, remote village than anything else, with a grand total of twenty houses, everyone was a regular customer, and it seemed like they had a fixed time when it came to making a purchase. But Kyl could also see the downside working where business had to be fast-paced in some parts of the day.

On his first day working with them, Kyl was overwhelmed by the number of customers alone and how fast they expected him to serve them. The orders and deliveries almost made him break down. If it wasn't for his cousin, it might have actually happen.

Dru was older than Kyl, and to an extent, taller. His height wasn’t the only thing big about him. Because of the sacks of flour he regularly carried to and from the storage, plus the dough kneading he does daily gave him well-developed biceps and he maintained an admirable muscle tone. That, with his dark, brown hair, and warm chocolate eyes, reels in the young ladies into their shop, sometimes mostly to gaze upon him than to buy bread. With his gangly physique and awkwardly tousled light brown locks, Kyl was envious and can only hope to grow into the same built. His only noteworthy quality in terms of appearance were his green eyes.

Kyl wonders if body size affected temper because his dad had a similar large build, and they both tended to be a bit of a hot-head at certain times. Kyl figured it could also be due to because life in a bigger town being more stressful in comparison to remote villages like his own. His dad said that he used to live in a bigger town in his youth, and he had violent tendencies back then. His cousin wasn’t necessarily violent though, and was nice enough when it mattered. For instance, even when he made a show of how it peeved him to have to pick up after him, Dru made sure Kyl got some learning experience out of it and guided him through it so he could do better the next time around.

He had claimed, “I don't want to keep doing your workload for you, brat, so get it right next time.”

But Kyl realized that his cousin guided him during his entire time with them, at least more than Teodor even when he was present to take over anytime if Dru really didn't want to. Just like this morning with those troublesome guys. While he was given an idea what to expect from difficult customers they usually encountered, he didn’t think handling patrons like those guys would be as irksome as it had been. He almost snapped back at them before Dru showed up and took care of it himself.

His cousin didn't even go about lecturing him about proper work etiquette afterwards, didn't push the point about treating customers nicely at all times like Kyl expected him to.

“People can be jerks without being aware of it,” Dru had said, ruffling Kyl's hair. “don't let them win by showing them how affected you are.”

In the end, Kyl found that he enjoyed the experience in spite of the hardships and difficulties. Plus, he enjoyed spending time with these particular relatives again since the last time had only been a three day visit when he was a toddler. He was almost sorry that he would be returning to the repetitive routine of his small village life soon. But at the very least he would be comforted by how peaceful it was compared to all this.

“Good work today, boys.”

Teodor comes out of the kitchen with Dru, each carrying two small baskets of bread. One basket seemed to have more bread than the other. But while they differ in quantity, their contents remained similar. Both contained , flat leaven manchets, rounder oatcakes known as clapbread made by Dru who can bake them best with a little spicy flare to it, the usual staple white cockets and powdered biscuits, Kyl version, because it didn't exactly capture the taste Myrah manages and only came close. Still, the youngest Hearth felt accomplished that it still sold well, even if it wasn't sold out the way Myrah's batch would've been.

I'm still not done preparing the batch for the local orphanage, but I can take care of it myself. You two handle the priorities for today.”

At the end of each day, the Hearth family always make it a point to give out their leftovers to the less fortunate. It was what Kyl's great grandfather always believed in, that kindness and acts of it goes a long way.

Kindness is the most hopeful provocation, He used to say.

Teodor hands them two sheets of paper. One sheet had a family name written down along with the name of their members plus an address. Then as Kyl looks over his cousin's shoulder, he noticed that the other piece of paper was a slip more than a sheet. It wasn't constructed the same way the other was either. There was only a single word written.

Kean.

There were only two reasons why a person would not have a last name. Either he was a grown orphan, or beings called a Mana user. Humanesque creatures with a questionable place in society. Kyl has never met one before, but from what he can gather by the gossips heard at the town square and the opinions of his family was that they do not contribute much to society, but at the same time, they did not require anything from it either. They seemed to exist for the sake of existence itself. However, since society cannot get anything from them some people find it meaningless for them to exist at all. Until much recently, a law regarding no tolerance for discriminatory acts did not extend to Mana users. Closer study implies that most riots arise due to the instigators’ acts of reproach towards the mentioned Mana users. Therefore, for the sake of holding the peace, a proposal to revise this law was underway.

By this provocation, the instigators are making the most of the time left that they can mistreat the Mana users without consequences.

“Kean...” Kyl mutters, finding that the name was familiar. He mentioned his musings, ‘did he come to the shop recently?’ he wonders. “Did I write a receipt for him, or...”

Dru makes a look. “Yes, because Mana users carry money despite not having jobs.”

“Do they?”

Dru gapes, checking if Kyl wasn't just pulling his leg. He forgot that growing up in a small village had the tendency to make people ignorant of common knowledge in larger areas. Plus, this was Kyl. While he didn't live in the province and just at a small village he could be pegged for a country bumpkin with his level of ignorance.

Teodor smacks his son upside on the head in reprove. “Druant, be nice to your cousin.” he scolds, and Dru realizes he said that out loud by the way Kyl is glaring at him. “Anyway, the answer is no. They don't. It's unlikely because Mana users don't seem to need the same bare necessities that we do. That being said, they don't require money. And the name should be familiar because I mentioned him to you once when we talked about your aunt's case.”

“Oh yeah,” Kyl says. “You said there was a fight. Was this Kean guy involved?”

Teodor nods, “You could say that. While your aunt was the unintended victim, Kean was the targeted one.”

“Except mom seemed have gotten the worse of it.” Dru scoffs.

Theodore frowns at his son. “We don't know that for sure. The fighting stopped when they realized they’ve injured someone else as well.” He says. “We haven’t seen Kean after so we don't know how he came out of it. That’s why he's a priority tonight. It occurred to Myrah and she wants to have it checked out.”

“If we find him,” Dru quips. “Come on, Kyl. Let's get going.”

Teodor calls out after them, “Don’t stay out too long,” he says, “the last thing I need is to tell Myrah you guys were found dead on the streets chewed on by some wild animal.”

“Wait, what?” Kyl blinks, turning back. “what wild animal?”

Teodor laughs, and Kyl figured he was teasing him. He scowls while Dru snickers, “How simple.”

🔥

Once they were outside, Dru opens his mouth and tries to say something. But figuring out what it was, Kyl beats him to it.

“Yeah, I can take Kean’s basket.” He says.

“I, uh…” Dru blinks, his mouth moving wordlessly before he simply nods. “Yeah… okay, thanks.” He gives Kyl the basket with the lesser bread.

Kyl pauses, as if in thought, before speaking once more. “You don't happen to agree with those who beat up this Kean guy, do you?”

“H-huh? Oh…” Dru mutters, worrying his lower lip. “Um, well, of course I don't like it that they started that whole fight because of it. I mean, mom got hurt and…”

Kyl narrows his eyes, “You know that wasn't the question.” He says. “Do you hate their kind, too?”

Since he hasn't really encountered one yet himself, Kyl doesn’t have any real sentiments towards Mana users. However, if they weren’t actually hurting anyone he didn't see how it was justifiable to hurt them or anyone, generally speaking, just because they weren't actively involved in society. He can understand getting annoyed, but anger was a little extreme for him.

“I…” Dru starts before sighing, “look kid, don't get me wrong. I don't hate Mana users, if that's what you mean. At least… I don't think I do. But if you've seen one up close, with the blank look in their eyes as if they weren't even alive… I don't know. It's creepy.”

“I see. But you know, it's okay to be scared. Pretty sure even Knights get like that, I'd be surprised if they didn't.” Kyl says. “I don't think you’d be disqualified just for that.”

“Huh?” Dru's eyes widens. “what are you—”

Kyl rolls his eyes, “Dru, I'm not as simple as you think. I've seen you training late at night when you're supposed to be sleeping like the rest of us. And the bulletin board at the square mentioned needs for recruits.” He says. “It doesn’t take a genius to figure things out.”

“Kyl, you can’t tell dad or mom about this, you hear?”

Kyl frowns. “If I wanted to be a rat, I would’ve mentioned it the first time I saw you training after taking a piss. You really could’ve picked a better, more hidden place to do that if you didn’t wanna be caught, by the way.” He says. “but they’re gonna find out what you're up to anyway, especially once you sign up. And sure, maybe he'll be a bit sad that you're not interested in baking full-time, but I don't think uncle would forbid you if that’s what you really want.”

“Yeah. If. That’s the key word.” Dru sighs, shaking his head. “I’m not really sure what I want either. But I do know there’s more I want to do than be a baker for the rest of my life. I mean, maybe I wouldn’t mind retiring as one. But that’s definitely not all I want to do. You live in a small village, maybe you’re happy with how simple that is. But come on, you can’t tell me that you never thought about it.”

Kyl shifts his weight absently, not sure what to say. “We better get going, don’t you think?” He didn’t wait for a response, already turning and walking off.

Forgetting about one minor detail.

🔥

Kyl groans, berating himself. He forgot that he had no idea where to even look for this Kean fellow. These were the moments that Dru could be justified for calling him simple. Even having a vague description of this guy might’ve been helpful, seeing as those he was asking didn’t care much to give him any useful leads. All he got so far for his efforts were either questioning looks or scorn. He gave up asking when he got the latter, and settled for just winging it. Stopping once more to rest, he leans against a wall of some random home. He’s pretty sure he searched the entire town, at one point he even got lost because some of the houses look the same: two-storey, beige cedars with mahogany doors and red roofs. He had to back track towards the main square to get his bearings.

At the moment, all he can assume was that this guy was homeless with the lack of address, maybe even a hermit if he was the only Mana user in town—or out of town, if that were the case. Kyl definitely wouldn’t want to stay in a place where he was treated poorly. Earlier, somebody did suggest that he ask the last people to have an encounter with him, but the boy had suspicions that they were the cause for his aunt Myrah's condition in the first place and also made her concerned for the guy’s well-being and he definitely didn’t want to have a run in with those types himself.

Therefore, he settled for walking all over town and hoping he gets lucky.

The sun was setting and each step Kyl took was getting heavier. He wasn’t any closer to finding his priority assignment than he was hours ago and it was already passed supper. Certainly, he could’ve just taken some of the bread from the leftover basket but since it wasn’t meant for him, all the more for someone less fortunate than him, it didn’t seem right to Kyl to do that even if he was feeling rather unlucky at that moment. Yet he was exhausted. Still, he didn’t want the bread to go to waste but he wasn’t going to consume them himself. He figured he probably had time to search for someone else before it got too dark.

Just when he turns to the next corner, he finds himself falling forward. Kyl yelps as the contents of the basket were sent flying. The boy groans, pushing back brown fringes from his eyes. He huffed, brushing his hair back.

“Ow…” He winces, getting up slowly. He’s pretty certain he had a scratch or two. ‘I should really watch where I’m going.’ He thought. He gets back on his feet and pats what dirt he can from his trousers. ‘what did I even trip on? It felt thick…’ he muses. He scans the area and a scream catches on his throat. “AH!” Kyl breaks into a cold sweat under a second, and he was legs suddenly felt boneless. Nevertheless, he was about to make a run for it when his conscience caught up with him.

It was a dead body.

As much as he was tempted to do so, he couldn’t just leave it there. Slowly, he approaches the body, making sure there were actually no wild animal that, in hindsight, his uncle might not have been completely joking about. As he got nearer, he realizes that it wasn’t a corpse. At least, the body still felt warm. It was easy to think the person was dead, though. The guy, as it seems to be, was completely motionless that even his chest seemed like it wasn’t moving. The indication that he was, in fact, still among the living was the low moans that escaped his mouth.

Kyl sighs, running a hand through his hair. ‘Well, he’s alive. Now what?’

He couldn’t very well leave this person lying here. He could take him to the nearest clinic but that was right across from the East side square, which was on the other side of town. He considers taking him back with him. His aunt was almost fully recovered so he wonders if his uncle would appreciate another patient to care for.

‘Well… as dad always say, "you’re not a Hearth if you’ve got no heart…."’

Decided, Kyl hefts the guy up, slinging his arm carefully over his shoulder, and wraps his own arm around the stranger’s waist. There was a sound of thunder and the skies grew darker by the time he saw the roof of the bakery.

🔥

Despite their collective surprise, and forgetting their worry on why he was late, they didn’t make much of a fuss when Kyl brought in the guy he found. Teodor didn’t mind caring for another infirm but he was a bit upset about the bread but he eventually got over it.

“Can’t do anything about it anymore, after all.” He says.

Dru was fine with it as long as he didn’t have to share his bed with the guy. Kyl figures it was only fair and he wasn’t oppose to sharing. The guest room wasn’t his own room, after all. After that matter was settled, Kyl went to take a bath and have something quick to eat since it was late and he didn’t want to sleep on a full stomach. Myrah was finished giving the stranger a sponge bath by the time Kyl returned to his borrowed room.

“Hasn’t he woken up yet?”

Myrah shakes her head, “No, but I've taken care of his injuries. No broken bones, which is a relief. He’ll be fine after some rest.”

Kyl smiles. “That’s good to hear,” he sighs. “I’m just glad it wasn’t a dead body mangled by some random wild animal.”

“Your uncle said something again?”

Kyl blinks, “Again?” he repeats. Myrah just chuckles in response and the boy decides to drop it. “Anyway, I’m sorry to have bothered you with this while you’ve just recovered, auntie.”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Myrah says with a careless wave of her hand, “my back doesn’t even hurt anymore, and I couldn’t leave this to your uncle or Dru. Those two are hopeless when it comes to tender care.” She rolls her eyes.

Kyl smiles slightly, “Is that why you keep calling me specifically for those massages?”

“Bingo.” Myrah winks, “You know, it’s a bit funny that I had your uncle make sure you get Kean some bread and you ended up bring him home without the bread.”

Kyl cringes, thinking that his family really valued their bread. Then, he starts. “That’s Kean?!”

“Oh goodness, you didn’t know?”

Kyl shakes his head, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah… not at all.”

“Didn’t the hair tip you off? I mean, it’s blue.”

Although there was no explanation, at least none publicly known, all Mana users seemed to have unnatural hair color. In the back of his mind, Kyl did question it once he returned. But since it was dark out earlier, he didn’t notice it at first. He thought the guy had black hair, because the hue was of a darker shade, almost like cobalt. Still, that was the notable difference. When it came to physique, they were similar except Kyl may be more well-toned in comparison, as a result to hours baking.

“I’ll remember that next time.”

“Nnh…”

Kyl and Myrah turns toward the bed. “Oh, he’s waking up.”

Eyes opens slowly, and Kyl understands now what Dru meant earlier. Their eyes really did have an eerie feeling to it, but for some reasons, this made the boy intrigued rather than scared.

“Where am I?”

🔥

Kean’s bleary eyes finds two individuals standing before him, and he recognizes the woman. She had been there when those townsfolk attacked him, but he has never seen the boy before.

“Miss Myrah, hello.” He sits up.

Myrah smiles, walking over to comb his hair back. Kean just continues staring, even while she examines some remnants of wounds that, he notices, were treated. He figures that those needed more time to heal. She didn’t seem to mind Kean’s lack of concern with that way she pokes around his injuries, already expecting the stoic response. Most Mana users, if not all, seemed to possess the quality.

“It’s good to see you awake, Kean. I wondered what happened to you after our last meeting.”

Kean’s expression remained blank. “I am sorry to have caused you worry.” He says with a curt tip of his head. “May I ask how I was brought here though?”

“Ah, that would be my doing, mate.” Kyl answers, “I found you passed out and decided to bring you home.” He grins. “Perfect timing, too. Just before you got caught by the rain and end up sick with the cold.”

Kean replies, “Oh, Mana users do not get sick the way humans do. So it did not really make a difference,” he says. “you could say it was pointless.”

Kyl stares at the Mana user, not having a response for that take on his act of kindness. Myrah watches her nephew, trying not to smile. She may have an idea what was going through his mind.

“Thank you, anyway.”

“Um, wow. Okay,” The boy feels like he should be irritated or something akin to that. However, he found himself just wondering what was the matter with the guy. “Can you say it like you mean it, at least? I mean, with more... conviction.”

Kean’s tone remained as is when he responds. “Oh, okay. I am truly grateful for the unnecessary aid to my predicament even while I was unaware of the needless attempt.”

“Er,” Somehow, Kyle felt even worse than he was with Kean’s first response. “‘Truly grateful’ is not shown on your face at all…” his shoulders sags.

Myrah couldn’t help it this time. She laughs.

🔥

The following day was definitely an interesting one.

During breakfast, Kean was refusing a big portion of the meal Teodor was insisting on him because the man found Kean simply too thin for a boy his age. The Mana user reminded him that they don’t age the way humans do. In addition to that, they did not require an intake of nutrients gained from food consumption since, according to him, 'Simple meditation to be one with nature' was sufficient to keep them going. Both Kyl and Dru shared the same expression; their eyebrows were furrowed, and they had creases on their forehead, staring at Kean first then at each other as if trying to make sense of that explanation. Nevertheless, Teodor still made Kean eat with the notion, 'As long as you can eat, eat. We get food from nature, too.'

Kean had no argument for that.

Afterwards, when Myrah found the poor condition Kean’s clothes were in she had him try on some of Dru’s old clothes. The one closest to his size and proportions was still slightly big on him so she had it adjusted. After putting it off long enough, they finally opened shop an hour later than usual. Teodor said it wasn’t really a problem since the month was almost up and they already made their quota. Kean offered his help since they did delay on his behalf.

That’s when things turned eventful.

Kyl knew that Mana users had strange abilities, but like most things about them, he never really understood exactly how strange. While he didn’t have to mention it out loud, Dru wasn’t wrong in his thinking that living in a small, almost secluded village tended to result in a certain degree of ignorance. Kyl’s first time witnessing these abilities happened by watching Kean all throughout the day.

First, it was with the wooden stove they used for baking. Since it rained last night and they forgot to cover their firewood, Dru and Kyl had a difficult time getting a fire going. Kean decided to lend a hand and ended up overdoing it. Dru and Kyl did stand a little too close, curious to see what Kean would do. He burned the wood a little more than what was necessary, and the fire quickly rose. It consumed the stack of wood and due to the water, the crackling of wood also came with bursts of ashes. Fortunately, no one was hurt and Dru managed to close the steel door to tame the flame before it could escalate. Because of that though, he ended up covered in ash himself. Kyl couldn’t help but laugh even while he was a mess himself, since it wasn’t compared to Dru who almost resembled some kind of gigantic charcoal. The older Hearth didn’t know whether to be more upset with Kean or Kyl. But since the Mana user was giving his apologies, no matter how bland the tone, while his cousin was just laughing his head off he decided that Kyl would be doing most of the dough kneading for the day.

After the initial rush hour, they took a break. While Kean and Kyl were passing by the foyer when they saw Myrah frowning and nagging Teodor over some Orientalis out the back door. Apparently, the flower patches were all wilting because, according to her, Teodor didn’t water them as constantly as he was supposed to. Seeing her distress, Kean steps forward and, with a wave of his hand, he revived the dead flowers, regaining their pinkish vibrancy along with a translucent glow, as if they were freshly bloomed. Myrah widened her eyes before running towards Kean to embrace him in gratitude. Teodor sighed in relief, mouthing his own thanks.

The next event transpired shortly after Teodor declared that they no longer have to bake more bread to replenish their stocks for the day. Kyl and Kean was given the task of organizing the kitchen and take inventory of the remaining ingredients while Dru helped his father in the shop. The ladder was misplaced when the boys went into storage so Kyl had no way of checking the top shelves. Before Kyl could ask Kean to look for it while he double checks the lower shelves to make sure their listings were accurate, the Mana user brought his palms together and blew on them. Kyl eyed him questioningly before he felt light all of the sudden and the next thing he knew, he was floating weightlessly off the ground and higher into the air. Kyl freaked out when his hands reached the ceiling and forgot all about taking inventory; when Dru went to check what the noise was about, he almost had a heart attack. With his attention diverted because of that, Kean ended up dropping Kyl on his cousin.

Finally, Kean and Kyl were sent out to give the day’s leftovers to the chosen priorities. As a precaution, Myrah gave Kean a cloak to wear so those fellows who beat him up before wouldn’t be able to recognize him. Just when they were on their way home, it started to rain once more. Kyl managed to find a tree to stay under, and while they were still being rained on, it wasn’t as bad as when they were out in the open. He suggested waiting it out but then, he saw Kean out there and on the spot he stood, the rain seemed to go around it. He beckoned for him to step out, and after a brief moment of hesitation, he stepped out. The hand outstretched towards Kyl glowed and now, the rain avoided Kyle as well. With that, they made their way back.

However, Kyl was certain that the cloak didn’t serve it’s purpose of concealment after that stunt.

🔥

Kean and Kyl were resting up when they got home, just waiting for supper to be ready. Kyl decided he would work on his swordsmanship since he was returning home tomorrow.

Arriving was simple, since he had a special transportation to get him there directly. At home, despite not having much to brag about, they did have farms that specialized in breeding Aero Aves, large birds that have a gentle nature and have impressive homing instincts. Licensed agencies train these birds to carry passengers along with their packed belongings to long or short distances. But at the time, they only had money for Kyl to take a one-way trip service. There were additional fees if the traveler wanted to have the Aero Aves to come back for a return service. Furthermore, since he was journeying home on his own this time around, he would have to leave town. In spite of it’s large size, the town didn’t have its own port. Therefore, he would have to travel on foot first to the nearest town his uncle said had one so there was a chance Kyl would be running into some trouble.

Myrah wanted to request for an adventurer escort from the local guild, but Kyl refused. For one moment in this trip away from home, he wanted the accomplishment of doing something independently. Still, he did hope that the road to the next town didn’t have wild animals or, worse, strong monsters. He knew that monsters do not normally attack humans unless provoked. As long as he kept to the main road, he would be okay. However, he also needed to consider robbers. Although, in between baking and deliveries, he couldn’t find time nor energy to train regularly so he hoped he wouldn’t be having any of those encounters at all.

“Kyl, are you heading outside?” Kean speaks up just as Kyl was half way out the door, “has the rain stopped?”

“I think so,” Kyl replies, “I just wanna train a bit to prepare for traveling tomorrow. But auntie would kill me if I use my sword inside.”

Kean tilts his head to the side, “I do not believe miss Myrah is capable of such atrocious acts, such is not compatible to her kind nature.” He says flatly.

“Atro…” Kyl frowns, brows creasing before shaking his head. “No, uh, I mean… well, it’s cramped up in here as it is. I’m gonna need more space to move around better.”

Kean nods in understanding, “I see. An open area is optimal for such actions. I’ll accompany you since, yes, I agree. It is cramped inside.”

“Uh... huh?” Kyl was lost for a moment, giving the Mana user time to walk pass him and towards the back exit of the house. “Well, okay then.” He shakes his head before following Kean out.

When they got to the back of the house, just a few feet away from the storage. Kyl starts by working on his stance and repeating basic movements to warm up. After which, he tries to envision possible scenarios, recalling the common wolves that would attack travelers and thinking of the tips his dad gave him on how to handle such an encounter. When he was satisfied enough, he went on to wielding his sword and hitting his imaginary enemy with the blunt side. If he ever did encounter robbers, he didn’t feel good about killing them. He did not believe it was his place to decide who should die. He keeps this up until he his attention was finally drawn by Kean, settled on top of a water barrel. By his still position, Kyl could guess that this was him in meditation, the breathing seemed to follow a rhythm as well. That was when he recalls the conversation from breakfast.

“Is that really filling for you?”

Kean pauses, mid-exhale. He slowly blinks his eyes open, finding where Kyl stood.

‘Er, maybe I shouldn’t have interrupted?’ Kyl winces, rubbing the back of his head. ‘It is meditation, after all…’

If Kean was perturbed by being broken out of his concentration, it didn’t show. “For something to be filling,” he starts. “there must be a containment variable. I am not a container.”

The boy finds that he was getting used to the way Kean spoke, “No, I mean…” he pauses to think, “does it make you… well… not hungry?”

“Mana users do not really experience hunger.” Kean replies, “For humans, food is necessity for the recuperation of energy and nourishment along with water. Internally, my body does not require those intake. However, similar to you, I do require hydration as do all living things in nature. What I am doing now is sufficient in terms of sustenance, if in any circumstances I neglect my meditation practice I would feel sluggish till I am able to do so again.”

Kyl frowns, scratching the lower part of his chin. 'Isn't that similar to hunger in essence?' he wonders, “But then, you're still able to eat food, so...”

“That's because, as sir Teodor stated, food came from nature after certain alterations so I am able to consume them, similar to how I can consume water the way you do. In addition, our anatomy are similar except we do not possess cells and the like.”

“You really need to use small words, Kean.” Kyl sighs, suddenly losing energy to train. “It's hard to keep up with you. How are Mana users different from humans when we look the same?”

Kean pauses, as if in thought, before responding. “You know what Mana is, right?”

“Uh,” Kyl thinks about it, “it's like magic, right?” he says, sheathing his sword.

Kean shakes his head, “No. Mana is considered the power of the elemental forces in nature. Fire, water, wind, and Earth. It is easily understood that Mana users are able to manipulate this power. But what is not known by most humans is that Mana users are Mana themselves.”

“Huh?! You're Mana?”

Kean nods, “Humans possess a certain type of acid that connects them to their roots. Consequently, as we do not possess the same substance, the concept of family does not exist in our kind.” he explains.

“No family?” Kyl frowns, “Then how were you born?”

“I was not born, as such would require a mother and father role. I was formed.” Kean corrects, “Mana users come to be when there is a large amount of Mana force in a given area. Sometimes, we rise from the sea. If that happens then the user would be limited to manipulating water elements. Alternatively, if we come from a volcanic area, then fire elements would be the limitation. In addition, we would have corresponding nullifying effects to their elemental adept. A fire adept are incapable of being burned, and a water adept would be capable of breathing underwater.”

“Huh, well, I guess that makes sense... somehow. I mean, I got the gist and all.” Kyl hums, “But wait, how are you able to control all four elements?” he questions, recalling the events of the day. “Are some specialized Mana users like that? Is there a name for that?”

At this, Kean says nothing. Instead, he looks down in contemplation.

“Uhm, did I say something wrong?”

Kean shakes his head. “No, I just do not have an immediate answer so I was thinking how to respond,” he says, “To be honest, I cannot know the exact area where I came to be. This is one of the things about myself I do not have knowledge of. Most Mana users are able to recall where and that is usually the optimal place for them to meditate. Considering what I told you earlier as well, I do not possess any nullifying qualities either. On some occasions, some areas produce Mana users quite often. If they so wish, those users reside there therefore making themselves into a tribe.”

“Oh,” Kyl mutters, frowning. “does this bother you?” He would be worried himself if he didn't know where he came from, or if he was different from others to that extent; the way Kean seemed set apart from his kind.

“To be bothered implies that I feel apprehension or discomfort, which are somehow manifestations of fear. I am not inclined to emotions so no, I am not bothered.” Kean replies, “I go by survival instincts alone, so I suppose it does not matter where I come as I do not possess that knowledge yet am still be capable of living.”

Kyle frowns, not certain he would actually call that living. His uncle was right when he said that Mana users seemed to exist for the sake of existence alone. He couldn't wrap his mind around it.

'What was it like,' he wondered, 'to be without emotions?' Before he could think up a response, Dru calls them for supper.

🔥

Later, Kyl was preparing for bed when Kean mentions something.

“Huh? You're leaving?”

Kean nods, “I decided to stay here for this day to help out, to give my thanks for their kindness. I would like to leave right now, but miss Myrah insists I stay one more night. I do not really wish to trouble them, but I agreed,” he says in his usual manner. “I will depart come morning, I apologize in advance if I am gone before you wake.”

“Uh, no, well... You don't really have to apologize for that.” Kyl says, “But... you mentioned not having a family, or a tribe. So that means you don't really have any home to return to,” he frowns. “where will you go afterwards?”

Kean shrugs, “Mana users do not require a dwelling. It is inconsequential, as the weather do not normally bother us as much as it does to your kind. Even those in tribes usually do not establish such things.” he tips his head slightly. “I thank you for your concern on my behalf, however.”

Kyl scrutinizes this individual that he has come to know, and he doesn't know how to respond. For some reasons, he didn't want to see him go and never know what would become of him afterwards. Kean seems like a nice guy in spite of his somewhat detached tendencies, which was now explained to him. Still, it didn't seem right to him. It was like having a nice feeling after doing a kind deed that makes it all the more worth doing. For that reason, Kyl always wanted to offer his helping hand whenever he can. But for Kean, it seems like he only saw every single act he does as a form of obligation or the like.

Then, something occurs to him. “You said that you're not inclined to emotions, right?”

“That is correct, yes.”

“But does it also mean you're incapable of it?”

Once more, Kean didn't respond immediately. “I never considered the thought. I suppose it is possible, but it seems inconsequential to surviving.”

“And you're just fine with that?”

Kean tilts his head to the side, “I apologize, may you be more specific?”

“It's just...” Kyl hesitates, “I think it would be better if you were able to feel something every now and then, you know?”

Kean replies, “No, I believe I do not. As I said, such is irrelevant to my kind.”

“It's got nothing to do with relevance.” Kyl says, “I know, I'll show you how it's done!”

Kean just stares blankly, “Show me… How to finish what?”

“No, no that kind of 'done.' I'll show you what it means to feel, how to say 'thank you' with conviction.” Kyl grins, “maybe even teach you how to use simpler words, too.”

Kean continues to stare. “I do not comprehend.”

“Yeah, now you know how it feels.” Kyl rolls his eyes, smirking. “I figure since I'm also leaving tomorrow and you don't really have anywhere to go, why not we just go together?” He beams, “Believe it or not, even if I live in a smaller area, we have more to do since we also got a farm to manage along with the bakery.”

Kean nods, as if in understanding. “I see. So, you require my company for temporary assistance in this endeavor. Very well.” he says.

“What? Wait, no. I mean, I guess your help would be appreciated. But no,” Kyl shakes his head, gesturing with his hands as if to dismiss the idea. “I just... I enjoy your company, I guess you could say, and it would be nice if you could get something out of it as well.”

Kean tilts his head once more, “I have. The quaint accommodations here is well appreciated.”

“Er, not exactly what I meant.” Kyl sighs, “But this is why you're coming with me. Just... Stick with me, okay? Like a 'from now on' thing than a temporary one.”

“Hm,” Kean hums, “I must decline.”

“Huh?”

“This is what you humans call a 'proposal', is it not? I understand that it is something done between a man and a woman, also with the binding emotion of love. I am neither a woman, nor do I feel any such emotion towards you. Also, are you not a little to young to engage in such a thing?”

Kyl’s face feels warm, and he waves his arms dramatically. “No, no, no! That is not what this is!” he protests. “Sheesh, why do you have to make it weird?”

“I see. Sorry for the misunderstanding.” Kean tilts his head forward, “You are red."

Kyl gives him a certain look, "Wow, wonder whose fault that is..."

"I believe it's mine; I apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable." Kean said, "I am not accustomed to any human asking for a long period of companionship with me; you are quite strange, Kyl.”

Kyl glares at him, “You're the last person I want to hear that from, mate.”

“All the same, I must decline.” Kean tells him, “I do not wish to trouble you, and a long term connection, which you are requesting, can prove bothersome.”

Kyl raises a brow, “What do you mean?”

Suddenly, they heard some vague noise that later turned into disturbing racket. “This is what I mean.”

🔥

“What on Gaea...” Kyl trails off as he and Kean reach the ground floor, the noise only getting louder.

They follow it, and head towards the bakery kitchen then through the threshold leading to the shop's counter. Kyl walks towards the windows and find a group of men swarming their main entrance, their outsize arms flexing as they visibly attempt to push pass the double, oaken doors. He even notices that they were the same guys who messed with him the day before. Dru pushes against the force to keep them at bay, his corded muscles ripples under the strain.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

Dru's head jerks in reaction, but he keeps his focus on the door. “Maker's name... Kyl?! Please tell me Kean's upstairs!” he grunts.

“I am here.”

“Damn it!” Keeping his weight against the door, he turns around in favor of looking at the other two, “you're the last people I wanted coming over. Where's dad?!”

Before Kyl can answer, Myrah steps in the room next and Dru almost cries in dismay till she opens her mouth. “Your father's making sure our other entrances aren't being broken into. He escaped afterwards to look for the local knights.” she says.

“What's going on?” Kyl repeats, frowning. “Why are those men trying to get in at this hour?”

Dru glares, not in the mood to be answering any questions. “Search me! Whatever it is, it's definitely not for our bread!” he grumbles. “Now get back in your room with mister magic there!”

“That is not my name.”

Dru lets out a long-suffering groan.

“Are those the guys who beat Kean up?”

Dru huffs and in-between grunts, answers. “Kyl, for eternia'sake, you really are simple. Can you not understand the situation?! Now, help me or shut up!”

Kyl huffs indignantly, but goes over anyway and helps Dru push back. Kean raises a hand and ask if he could do anything to help, to which the cousins collectively responds with a loud, 'No.' Kean puts his hand back down and walks away, most possibly back to their room like earlier instructed.

Eventually, the weight on the door suddenly lessened, and the shouting ceased while a stern, authoritative voice was heard. A knock comes from the door, along with the familiar voice of Teodor.

“It's me, Dru. Open up.”

Sighing in relief, Dru rolls his shoulders to stretch out the kinks. Kyl opens the door in his stead, revealing his uncle on the other side speaking with an unfamiliar man. His hair was slightly below shoulder length tied back by a black cord, its pale golden color shines against the dim light of the bakery, he was also dressed in an Adventurer's garb; he wore a long, deep blue inner tunic, a scarlet sash wraps around his waist with a scabbard secured against it. There, the man sheaths his weapon, a two-handed Claymore, which may indicate that the adventurer was left-handed. Kyl wonders if he actually used it earlier, or if it was just to intimidate the men.

The man exchanges a hand shake with Teodor before he pauses, and looks over to Kyl who stiffens at the sudden attention but he relaxes at the stranger's easy smile. His jaw was defined, almost as well as Dru's, maybe even more so. It was also clean-shaved, as if the man grew a beard frequently and had to shave as much.

“I couldn’t find any knight,” Teodor explains, “Thank the reapers, I ran into this fellow.” He says, gesturing to the man.

The adventurer bows his head, “Always a pleasure to lend my services,” he says, “My name is Lyxander.”

“Thanks for your help, sir.” Kyl says, “I’m Kyl.”

The man nods towards him, but diverts his attention to Dru. “And your name is?”

“Me? I’m Dru, short for Druant.”

Lyxander hums, sizing him up carefully. “You seem to have the makings of a great swordsman,” he muses, “How’s your training, Druant?”

Something about that catches Kyl’s attention. It wasn’t any doubt that Dru had an impressive built, but most men didn’t necessarily acquire that physique only through the training of a knight and such, all the more was it how one would be identified as a swordsman.

“Actually, he’s a baker.” Teodor interjects, “What he knows of such a thing is enough to get him by a journey from one town to another.”

Lyxander looks between Dru and his father, the former seems be fidgeting quite a bit. “Oh, I apologize. I didn’t realize that…” he pauses, “well, never mind. If you are ever interested, I am looking for companions to accompany me in a… well, let’s call it an undertaking for now.” He smiles, “I will share more, should you choose to express interest; I will be at the guild. Have a good night, now.”

“Well,” Teodor hums, scratching his backside. “that was an odd exchange.”

Dru takes a breath before speaking, “Dad,” he starts, “can we talk?”

“Hm?”

Kyl looks at his cousin, and understanding dawns on him. “I’m going to check on Kean.”

🔥

A few minutes later, the conversation moved inside with Myrah now included. Dru explained his intentions of exploring the world, as he did not find the fulfillment in being a baker all his life. Teodor listened all through his ramblings, which Dru didn’t expect at all. Finally, the man sighed when his son promised he would remain long enough for them to find a suitable replacement.

“No, son.” Teodor says, “there’s no point, the Hearth bakery is run only by the Hearth family, and those married into it. That’s how it’s always been. We’ll keep the shop going as long as we can manage, but if it’s time, then we’ll close it down.”

Dru widens his eyes, “You don’t have to do that,” he says, “I won’t be gone forever, I’ll come back, once I’m ready to settle down.”

“Are you sure?” Myrah asks, her tone mild, “you just said you do not find fulfillment in being a baker. If you don’t find it fulfilling now, it can’t be certain that you will later on.”

Dru frowns, his eyes now downcast. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“Don’t feel guilty, son. I’m not doing this out of spite,” Teodor promises, “All things must reach its end, even those things that we’ve found solace in for so long. Such is the nature of life.” He says, “what’s important is that you find what it’s worth. May the Maker guide you in this path, son.”

Dru looks back up, smiling at his parents. He stands and goes over to wrap them in his arms, “Thank you...”

The small family remains that way for a short while, when Kyl comes running into the room in haste. The three breaks contact, and turns towards the young lad who seems out of breath.

“What’s up?”

Kyl frowns, shaking his head. “I think Kean left.”

🔥

Kyl and Dru made preparations to leave the following morning. All the while, Kyl couldn't believe Kean actually left without a proper good bye. It may have something to do with him being a Mana and not having the courtesy to do so, but he had enough of that to return the favor by helping them run the shop yesterday. Plus, Kyl did say he wanted Kean to accompany him when he returns home. It's true that they were still talking about the matter, and Kean had yet to give a confirmation. In fact, the Mana user did imply that it would be an inconvenience for Kyl if he were to keep him company. However, since it wasn't settled Kyl had hoped Kean would reconsider.

"Why do you even care so much?"

Kyl looks towards Dru, pausing in his task of checking if he was all packed, "Huh?"

"About Kean," The older Hearth clarifies, "You said you guys got interrupted before anything was settled, but the guy did say it wasn't a good idea. That's pretty much his say on the matter. Taking it in face value, he declined."

Kyl frowns, shaking his head. "But it wasn't going to be any trouble for me, and he left before I could explain that to him."

"Kyl, he's a Mana user." Dru reiterates, "He managed this long without emotional attachments, he can do without it. Now come along, I need to walk you out town before heading to the guild."

Kyl frowns as he watches Dru making his way out. He should've known better than to explain his case to him. While they were as close as they can be, considering their age gap, they didn't share the same ideals most of the time. Moreover, Dru did give his sentiments regarding Kean's kind and while he didn't detest them to the extent of wanting to hurt them he also didn't sympathize with Kean the way Teodor and Myrah do, the way Kyl does. Resigned, Kyl double checks his things before following him out.

Dru walked Kyl out town before heading to the guild to talk with Lyxander, and most probably get his adventurer certification. With a backer, he would be able to acquire it within the day. Kyl wished him good fortune even as he didn't know how to feel about his cousin's decision; that it could mean the Hearth Bakery closing shop in this town in the later years. He considered talking to his parents about moving in with them officially; his relatives weren't getting any younger and while Dru promised to visit whenever he was nearby Kyl wanted to make sure they're checked on regularly.

Before that, he needed to get home.

So far, staying on the path was working well for him. The only encounters he had were the regularly rabbits and fawns, who scurries away at the mere sight of him as he was more likely to predate on them than they were to him. Before he could think he would arrive to the next town with no trouble at all, he encountered said trouble though not in the form he expected.

There was a creature caught in a net, suspended off the ground. It growled, trying to claw its way out. Kyl notices that its tail was short, its hind legs were longer than its front legs. With this, he figures it was some kind of lynx. But it was strange because, as far as Kyl knew, this region of Gaea didn't have packs of wild felines roaming around. Bears and wolves were more common if he wasn't mistaken, and while he usually is, his father made sure he knew and remembered what kind of wild animals he would most likely run into heading back home. The second thing that bothered Kyl was the fact that it wasn't hunting season, so it was only tolerated to attack wild animals if they attacked first, making this lynx a victim of poachers considering that it was caught and now hanging in a net.

This brought Kyl to his third problem. 'How do I free it without getting attacked myself?'

He frowns, wondering if he should return to town and report the issue. But then if the offenders were on their way back to collect their prize, they would be able to get away before the local knights would be able to do anything about it and take the lynx with them. Then, Kyl remembers the packed lunch his aunt gave him before he left.

"Okay, here goes."

Kyl walks towards the trapped lynx. As expected, once the creature sees the brunette approaching, he starts to growl and snarl at him. Kyl flinches a bit, his hands going up instinctively. He bends over and lays a pair of underwear—one he was looking for a reason to get rid off for a while since he really didn't like how itchy it was. He places pieces of meat on top of it and looks up at the lynx.

"All right, I'm not going to hurt you. See? You can even have this after I free you."

The lynx stares back at it, and for some reasons, Kyl thought it was giving him an a certain expression and he could picture Dru giving it to him. He shakes his head and climbs up the tree and the lynx actually stops snarling, and was just observing him. He sat on the branch that the net was tied on before cutting it with his sword. He hasn't sharpen it in a while, so it took a few seconds before breaking through completely. The lynx drops to the ground and, with remarkable precision, untangles itself from the net easily enough. It walks towards the offering, swiping it off the garment before devouring the meat and jumping towards the bushes and away from the area.

Kyl narrows his eyes and jumps to the ground, picking up his underwear with the tip of his sword. "Guess it didn't like you, either." he places it back inside his bag, before turning and continuing on his way.

When he saw a group of men running towards him; familiar men, at that.

"You—" The one at the front, the self-proclaimed leader whom Kyl thinks goes by the name of Jinn aims a glare right at him, casting side glances at the ruined trap. "a scum-lover, now a rotten vandel? You just love pissing us off, don't you?"

Kyl frowns, "Scum lover? Are you talking about Kean?" he grumbles, clenching his fist. "a scum for something he is, as oppose to hunting animals off season and going against the law?"

"You really love to test my patience, don't you?" Jinn glowers, stepping forward.

[Narrative plot of Kyl being rescued by the lynx, now in a humanesque form. I haven’t written it yet lol. I’m bad at action scenes.]

"You're welcome, and before anything else I would like to highlight that when you're offering food, don't put it on top of your underwear."

Kyl cringes at that, "It's clean."

"Not the point," Lynx made a look, "How would you feel if someone served you a meal on their underwear?"

The brunette rubs the back of his head, "Well, I thought you were an animal so..."

"That's an offense to animals everywhere; most pick their food off the ground, not where your genitals have been."

Kyl's cheeks turns flush, and he decides not to reiterate that it was, in fact, clean.

#Myart #OC #Original story

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lupinepariah · 4 years

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Why I’m Otherkin

This is going to be very trigger-y so... to be forewarned is to have four arms, yeah? Wonderful. So, let’s rap.

My mother died last week.

Amongst most of my family I’m the “know-it-all ass-burgers r-word.” I object to this as I really don’t know a lot and I don’t know how I’d weigh my intelligence. If pressed, I’d likely say that I’m not very smart as admitting to intellect makes me feel guilty. I don’t know why. Why do they do it, then? It’s because I have a strong propensity for being right.

You see, I have a strong propensity for doing something they never do. Thinking.

My mother is the only one in my family I’ve ever cared about. I admit, we’re a little distant but I did love her and I cared for her, I never wanted her to suffer. A friend of the family had a mother die not long before my mother died and they wouldn’t listen to me for the aforementioned reason, I wanted to tell their mother about an experimental treatment that was at least worth trying. No no, I’m just talking out of my arse.

That’s how it often is. I don’t think it’s especially difficult to not be stupid? You just have to think first. Is there really so much difficulty in that? I mean... I recall not so long ago when I was screaming at “medical professionals” to stop faecal transplant tests. There’s so much stuff we can’t screen for well and all you’d need is the combination of a superbug and a compromised immune system for people to start dying. It had to happen for them to stop, of course. They did it until people died for exactly that reason.

No one wants to listen to an r-word with ass-burgers.

What frustrates me with my mother though is that the solution to keeping her alive was so simple.

She started new medication recently. It turns out everyone in my family was told about this except for myself, which is dandy. The first thing I advise anyone to do is to check the side effects to make sure that there aren’t any co-morbid effects with any other drugs they might be on, or any instigators of underlying health problems they might have. Fat chance. My family got my mother popping meds without even bothering to read the documentation that came with them.

The first thing I do with anyone is tell them to check the side effects. Always check the side effects. Always check the side effects.

The truth is? I have loads of life experiences like this. I’ve been abused in every way you can imagine. I’ve been through the ringer. Physical, mental, sexual, emotional, and everything else. No matter what could happen to me these days, I’ve felt worse. That’s why the situation with my mother just leaves me feeling cold and angry, and little else.

The truth is is that my experiences with human beings that actually want to be human beings is that they can be monsters. I admit that this isn’t all of them, I’m sure it can’t be, but it is true for the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast... you get the point, the vast majority. They’re monsters.

I was raised by dogs due to parents that were either neglectful or abusive. The dogs died because of abuse, missed vaccines, or other reasons... they were replaced with other dogs because it was the only thing that kept me sane. After all, you have to keep up appearances and make it look like it’s the problmeatic child’s fault rather than the alcoholic, violent, dysfunctional parents. Isn’t that always the way of it? Very relateable, yes?

The truth is is that I’ve had so many bad experiences that I... I don’t feel like I’m a good fit with this species. I’m too kind. I’m too considerate. I think before I act. I actually care. I help people even if they’ve hurt me so, so badly that all I feel for them is hatred. All I want for anyone is to not have to suffer as I do. So while most humans look like monsters to me, I don’t want them to suffer.

This gives one a... unique outlook on life.

As a coping mechanism I started thinking of myself as, well, not human. It helped. It helped so much. And over time I became mentally healthy, even well-adjusted, I’m certainly a lot less angry these days. I even have a partner! They’re non-binary and they’re absolutely lovely, I couldn’t ask for a better partner, so very supportive, creative, and clever. And then my mother died.

It’s hard not to feel set back by it. I feel like I’m teetering on a razor’s edge. I feel that the only way I can cling to my sanity is by more deeply embracing these very strong feelings I have of not being human. The human species—so overly obsessed with itself—brings me great shame. I feel shame and pain that I’m to share this species until the day I die, in body if not in heart and mind.

There’s an autistic community called Wrong Planet because it’s not unusual for autistic people to feel this way. It’s just that for some of us the alienation is so much more profound and extreme than it is for others. We feel it so deeply that we could never be “human,” not in the sense that most would understand that word. I mean, we could certainly never be normal and we’d never want to. It’s a horrible word, isn’t it? Normal. It suggests a binary state where one is the innate default and correct, whereas the other isn’t. How could that be anything other than pathological by design?

Being Otherkin is my coping mechanism.

It isn’t spiritual. I’m not an animal. I don’t have an animal living inside of me. I don’t have an animal spirit. I just really want to be something other than human, thanks.

So I think of myself as a lycanthrope. I’ve an imaginary support dragon who’s there when I’m alone and I have to handle things myself. It’s only by the merit of these two factors that I stay sane. If I had to think of myself as human, if I lost my support dragon, I’d be bouncing off the walls and chewing the furniture to pieces because I’d have no means to handle all of the unimaginably awful things that had been done to me, all of the suffering I’d endured.

No matter how bad something makes me feel, I’ve felt worse. I could only really go up and Otherkin was my way up. It’s a comfort, a small one in a world so bent on destroying itself as this one is. I mean, depletion of the rainforests and a huge hole in the ozone layer and people are still breeding like bunny rabbits. This is what scientists refer to as The Great Filter. Frankly, if not for SARS-CoV-2, humanity likely would’ve gone extinct within the next century.

I feel that SARS-CoV-2 has given the human species a chance to pull back from the brink.

It’s funny because I’ll never know anything other than hatred. I know that. It’s almost impossible for an Otherkin like myself to find any allies other than fellow Otherkin. I mean, I tried to reach out to trans people and they thought I was a meme created to hurt them because that’s what the Alt-Right very successfully brainwashed them into believing. So much for that, right?

I don’t hate trans people for this. That’d be stupid. They’re suffering too. No, I get that they were hacked and it’s not their fault. If you aren’t acting with full agency then you can’t really be blamed.

Every time something happens though that keys into my personal support mechanism I can’t help but latch onto it. I feel included, for once. It’s actually really nice to feel included. This is why I’ve been fixated upon Guild Wars 2 and why it’s been so important to me. I’ve been getting very clingy with it since my mother died because I love being charr and there may just be a good therapy dragon in the latest content. I’d love that.

If ArenaNet wants to do something for one person who’s suffered way too much? Don’t make Jormag evil. I’d really appreciate that. It’s going to hurt like hell if they are. I hate it when dragons always have to be evil because I’m Otherkin. I love dragons.

It’s a perspective thing, yeah?

I don’t really know how to explain it. I don’t think you’d really be able to understand without having gone through decades of torture and abuse. It just shifts your perspective. If I were to show you a picture of five scantily clad humans facing off against a dragon, you’d know for certain that it’s a depiction of heroes versus an evil draconic beast. What I see, however, is a bunch of thieves, burglars, and freebooters looking to slaughter an innocent dragon so they can steal the poor thing’s belongings. The dragon? They’re a mother protecting a clutch of newborn children.

Dragons don’t look like monsters to me. Humans do, though.

That’s unlikely to ever change. I hurt too much for it to.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I hate humans or anything. I don’t really have it in me to hate anyone as that would mean I’d have to want someone to suffer and enjoy it, which I couldn’t. I’d vomit. I’m as diametrically opposed to suffering as anyone could be. I’m really sick of how forced to suffer so many of us are already. It’s just that I can’t look at a human now and not at first see a monster because I have so much trauma to deal with and work through.

So, yeah. I’m Otherkin. It helps. It helps a lot. I love werewolves, dragons, robots, aliens, sapient fungi, and lots of other non-human stuff. It’s great. Sadly, humans being innately narcissistic tend to demonise anything unfamiliar to them, the human species has been doing that since the dawn of time with factors as trivial as skin colour or the shape of one’s nose. It’s tiresome. That’s why whenever something is special enough to have truly non-human entities as forces of genuine kindness opposed to suffering? It wins my heart.

I feel in love with Aurene in Guild Wars 2 for that reason. I feel that that game has been part of my ongoing therapy. I... do worry about being hurt by how they handle Jormag but I do hope. I really do.

So, yeah. That’s why I’m Otherkin. That’s the long and short of it. if you aren’t? I don’t hate you. It’s just that if we met, you’d probably want to hurt me. That tends to be how it goes. I don’t find comfort in the presence of humans. I do find much comfort though in the dreams of being a werewolf protected within a dragon’s shadow. That’s about the only way I can be healthy.

#otherkin #feelings #trigger warning

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tinamaetales · 7 years

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The “rebel” Prince

“Rather than a sun that shines alone, he’s a ruler who shines brightly when among his people, like the moonlight—I believe the king is that kind of person.”

Fourth K Drama: Moonlight Drawn by Clouds/Love in the Moonlight

I’m not fond of history dramas mainly because the “ranking” of the people confuses me; however, Moonlight Drawn by Clouds changed that. In fact, because of MDBC I’ve become interested with Korea’s history. What I love the most about this drama is its plot for I find it very timely and relevant (the political stuff) to my country. The romance aspect was executed properly as well. And also, they were able to deliver the scenes perfectly; not once did I ever feel like they’re dragging the scenes along or they are forcing the story. It has a smooth transition of scenes and the story is as great as I expected it to be. Overall, I loved it! The cinematography, acting and OSTs too are all great. MDBC is a great show that you surely would not want to miss! You will love it to the moon and back!

And btw, Park Bo Gum is so perfect for his role I feel like he’s a legit Prince in real life!

Synopsis:

Set in the Joseon Era, Moonlight Drawn by Clouds (Love in the Moonlight) is a story about a young Crown Prince, Lee Yeong, who seems to be not so liked by the ministers because of his unique leadership skills and no nonsense attitude. His goal is to make Joseon a good country for the benefit of its people….something that the corrupt officials do not want to happen. He was labeled as the “rebel” Prince.

On the other hand, there’s Hong Sam Nom, a relationship counselor and romance novel writer who is disguising herself as a guy. Her real name is Hong Ra On. Because of the extraordinary twist of fate, she eventually became a eunuch for the Crown Prince and as time goes by, she became a favorite.

With the Crown Prince finding out that she’s really a woman and developing feelings for her, more secrets are being revealed and more complications arise… will love still shine through?

The romance aspect of this K Drama is great. It made me feel kilig and it was heartwarming – you know that kind of love story that has the “us against the world” theme? It was something like that but not too over the top since it was executed in a charming and lovable way, but what I would like to discuss more in this blog post is the kind of leader Crown Prince Lee Yeong is and has become. For me, the kind of leader that he is should what a leader should be.

Oh btw, the bible verse from Mark 3:24-25 “If a kingdom is divided against itself, it cannot stand. If a house is divided against itself, it cannot stand” is what I always think of every time the political aspect of this drama is being shown.

Let’s talk about the situation of Joseon first (the one in the drama):

They are being ruled by a fearful and weak King that the ministers can easily manipulate. It seems that despite him being the King, it is his ministers that always have the final say in things. The Crown Prince is aware of such situation that’s why he plans to change it. What he wants is to make Joseon a country for its people and not a country for the privileged. And because the Crown Prince wants to bring real change, of course there will be people who will try to stop him and bring him down.

What I like the most about Crown Prince Lee Yeong is that he’s a “modern leader” He knows that he’s young and has to learn more but he is very determined and willing to learn in order to make himself the King that Joseon really needs. Unlike the ministers and the King himself, Yeong is determined to get out of the palace to know his subjects better. He goes out (of course, disguising himself as an ordinary man) to mingle with people so he can get to really know them and to see the real problems of Joseon….something that he will never know if he keeps himself locked inside his palace. He wants real change so he needs to see the real problems. It is Yeong’s determination and willingness to improve his self as a leader that makes him truly deserving of his position.

Yeong had shown time and time again how much he wanted Joseon to be a nation for its people and that’s what I would like to discuss further. Perhaps one of his best scenes (and one of the best awww moments from the drama hihi) is how he handled the case of a ten year old girl being accused of rebellion. The officials and even the King himself wanted to kill the girl right away but Yeong insisted that they have to do further investigation first. I love how he seems to be the only one in his right mind during this scene for it shows how greedy and heartless the so called “respected” officials of the country. He reasoned out, “If it is true that a ten-year-old child has learned to be a spy before learning to read, then the people who deserve stern rebukes are myself and you all.” Because who else to blame but the ones who rule the country right? If they are really effective and efficient leaders then why do the people are suffering to the point that they became hungry for change and the only way they know is to start a rebellion? Also, there’s a scene where they celebrated the evil stepmother/Queen’s pregnancy and the celebration was interrupted by the rebels’ sending of a message through an arrow. The message says: citizens are innocent of crime, and that poverty is the real culprit. Moreover, the poverty is the government’s doing. Yeong gets it. The officials didn’t. That’s why he became more determined for change while the officials became more determined to maintain their hold to their “powers”

As I’ve mentioned, Yeong has that determination and willingness to improve himself for the sake of his nation (something that the ministers do not have for all they care about is power) so he seeks advice too. He looked for the great teacher Dasan so he could learn how to handle things. And I love the conversations that they have. Teacher Dasan didn’t make Yeong feel like he’s some kind of a special person because he was born a Prince but instead gave him words of wisdom to ponder upon. When Yeong asks for his advice on how to eradicate the evil forces inside the government he just told him to kill the head in which at first he didn’t understand. Teacher Dasan then further explains that “Why would you need poison when you could kill with sweet honey?” meaning that he does not need to use violence and instigate fear (something that the officials are doing) in order to fight and become victorious, he just needs to be wiser than the enemies. Teacher Dasan also added “First the right arm, and then the left. Until you can cut off the head, you must not let down your guard.” Furthermore, he also reminded Yeong of the real purpose of his fight, “Is he fighting to win, or is he fighting for change?” It should be the latter. The fight should be for the benefit of the nation, of the people and not for Yeong’s personal gain.

What makes the officials/ministers hate Yeong more is that he’s witty and can’t be “tamed” by them. He has a mind of his own; you just can’t manipulate him that’s why they’ve become determined to dethrone him since he’s a threat to all their ambitious plans. But, Crown Prince Lee Yeong being CROWN PRINCE LEE YEONG, he knows how to outsmart them. When the King decided to make Yeong as a regent, the officials disagreed *rolls eye* but the Prime Minister (thinking that he has the upper hand in the situation) stated that they should just get the approval of the ambassador (who will be visiting and joining them in the celebration of the King’s birthday) and the other officials agreed in an instant for they plan to ruin whatever plans Yeong has for the King’s celebration in order to embarrass him and make Yeong look like someone who can’t handle the responsibilities of being a regent. Too bad, Yeong knows how to play the game lol. At the end of the final dance performance (in which they tried to destroy but failed) Yeong announced that the Prime Minister would deliver the message of the people’s devotion to the King – something that shocked them all. The Prime Minister being caught in the trapped has no choice but to read the message that Yeong really prepared himself (ha, smart boy!) cause otherwise he will be considered a traitor. Another example is when Yeong asks to investigate the abuses in their taxation system for he found out that names of babies and dead people are being registered in order to force the peasants to pay extra taxes. He also demanded that the taxes unfairly collected must be given back to the people but the ministers informed him that it would put the country’s economy to collapse. So, Yeong thought of a better idea – cut the salaries of the ministers. That statement gained him protests from the ministers however, Yeong reasoned out that the people are suffering already because of so much corruption in the government that force them to pay extra taxes and yet the officials are whining over their salary cut. He said, “How can you aristocrats, who call yourselves the roots of this nation, whine over this much? And you think you have a right to take a salary from the country?” they were silenced after that. Yeong – 100 Officials – 0!

Joseon is being ruled by a fearful and weak King and the reason for this is that he has not moved on from the rebellion that happened ten years ago and they’ve also found out that the leader of the rebellion, Hong Gyeong Nae, is still alive. While Gyeong Nae is yet to be found, the King’s anxiety worsen; he’s afraid that once Gyeong Nae comes back, he will have a stronger force. Hong Gyeong Nae, however, is not really a rebel. He was just tired of the officials taking advantage of their position and keep on making the poor poorer; what they want is for real change to happen in Joseon. Such situation is what the officials are taking advantage of. While they are doing their dirty deeds, they keep on putting all the blame on the rebels and they also keep on feeding the King’s anxiety and fear. They wanted to find Gyeong Nae to use him to their advantage however, the Crown Prince is also looking for him but for a different reason – he wants to communicate in order to know what kind of Joseon the rebels are fighting to see and he wants to know if the Joseon he envisions is the same. The Crown Prince is determined to hear the “rebels” side of the story. Again, it is his determination and willingness that makes him worthy of his position. I just really love this Crown Prince!

The conversation that Gyeong Nae and Yeong have was filled with statements that will somehow create an impact even to the present society that we have. I think government leaders should learn from this. Anyway, here are some of the line from their conversation that are totally worth the read:

HGN: “I think there’s an error in that thinking. A leader who is for the people is not put there by the heavens. A leader who is for the people should be put there by the people themselves.”

Yeong: “But why do you think that getting rid of the king is the only method?”

HGN: “Because there is no king who can lay everything down on his own. You and I, noblemen and butchers, girls and boys, traitor’s children and king’s descendants. If you were to become king, could you allow for them to be equals?”

HGN: “What we want is not only politics for the people but by the people. You were born to be King, considering yourself the sun – absolute and shining. But a person – a chosen King differs… He considers himself equal to the people as a person. A person dreams of being a person – isn’t it ironic?”

Yeong: “The world I dream of and the world you dream of are not different. The only thing is how far we are from it now. I will come see you after the interrogation. It’s possible we may be able to find it without shedding blood—that path where we match our steps, heading toward the world we both dream of.”

And I guess Yeong’s right, the Joseon he envisions and the Joseon that the people wanted aren’t different. They just have to work together in order for that to become a reality. And also, Gyeong Nae was right when he said that what the Joseon need is a King who considers himself as one of the people in order for him to be the King of the people for by only that can he fully understand his role. Yeong, can be that King. He was raised by his mother to be that kind of King and he possesses the traits of being a good King. And, as I keep on mentioning in this post, Yeong has the determination and the willingness to become the best for his people, for his nation.

In the end (spoiler alert! Sorry!) Yeong becomes the King. He didn’t sit on the throne though; he sat down on the floor right in front of the throne. And when ask about it, he said “The highs and lows between me and my people, the distance between me and you—I hope that you will understand my wish to be one step closer.” Aww, my baby has grown into a great King that he is destined to be. I’m so proud! <3

Before I end this article, I would like to share some more quotes from this amazing drama:

“I wish you would be a king with good eyes because if you’re too high up, you tend not to see people below you. I wish you have good ears – you must not listen only to those who yell before you… Please protect every single person for they’re all your people. Will you promise me to become a King like that?” –Yeong’s Mother

“I knew it (back) then that I had to become strong to protect those who are precious to me” –Crown Prince Lee Yeong

“Does wearing the Crown Prince’s robe makes me a Crown Prince?” –Yoon Sung

“No, but it makes us understand each other better” –Crown Prince Lee Yeong

“How does it feel to wear my robe?” –Yoon Sung

“Your robe is as heavy as mine” –Crown Prince Lee Yeong

“‘Moonlight drawn by clouds’ – do you know it?’ –Byung Yeon

“Draw clouds to make the moon shine'” –HGN

“Rather than a sun that shines alone, he’s a ruler who shines brightly when among his people, like the moonlight—I believe the king is that kind of person.” –Byung Yeon

So, if bringing real change to society by means of implicating modern techniques/unconventional ways and making oneself a leader instead of a boss that puts the country and its people first before anything else would mean being a rebel then by all means Lee Yeong is a REBEL PRINCE.

Go watch this drama now! You won’t regret it! You will love it to the moon and back! I promise!

TinaMae

#personal #kdrama #k drama #moonlight drawn by clouds #mdbc #love in the moonlight #litm #park bo gum #kim yoo jung

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fe8meta · 7 years

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Desire vs. Responsibility: Eirika and Ephraim

Saw this tag on a reblog of my response meta (on my personal blog) about Eirika and Ephraim’s personalities.

Desire versus Responsibility is actually a huge theme in FE8! It’s one of those things where once you see it, you’ll see it everywhere when you look closely. (As a story analysis, this will obviously contain spoilers.)

Ephraim’s primary struggle is balancing his responsibilities with his desires. Before the game’s plot starts, and for around half of the story, he mainly indulges his desires and thinks little of his responsibilities. In a flashback, he expresses an interest in ditching the palace altogether in favor of being a wandering mercenary, which Eirika chides him for; the second the opportunity to fight in real battles shows itself, he runs off with some vassals without a single word back to his family. His father dies without knowing where Ephraim (or the knights accompanying him) are, whether they’re alive or dead, whether he can help them in any way. Some of Hayden’s Pegasus Knights entered Grado territory in search for him and managed to at least spot him, or perhaps even came in contact with him, but “at a great price.”

The only reason why he didn’t go all the way to Grado Keep before Chapter 8 was because he heard that Eirika was making her way to Renvall, and realizing that Orson must’ve helped set up a trap for her, went back. On that note, the fact that Ephraim doesn’t realize that Orson isn’t with them until after he, Forde, and Kyle already already escaped is another cue that he isn’t incredibly responsible. He can’t even keep count of the three men he took with him into Grado: what makes him responsible enough to rule a nation?

In contrast to Ephraim, Eirika’s desires and responsibilities tend to align with each other. In the beginning of the game, her desires and her responsibilities coincide: she wants to save her brother, who continues to fight in the heart of enemy territory, and it’s her responsibility to ensure his safety with their father’s passing. After they return to Frelia together, her desires and her responsibilities once again align: to restore peace to Magvel by ending the war. To this end, she volunteers to travel to Rausten with a warning about what Grado's plans; knowing that Ephraim and her retainers wish her to be safe, she embarks on a route that they believe to be safe, through Carcino. When she finds Councilman Pablo of Carcino has betrayed Frelia and has trapped Innes and his forces on their way to Jehanna, she immediately rushes to his aid. There is no conflict between her interests and her duties. She is not only rescuing her allies, but also preventing Grado from eliminating one of the key figures on the anti-Grado side. Everything that she does is in line with what she wants and needs to do.

In the first two-thirds of the story, there are only three times where her desires and her responsibilities shift. In chapter 6, she hands over her bracelet to save the hostage’s life in a peaceful way (a merge between her desire for peace and her responsibility over her people). When Novala goes back on his word, she basically goes “Bitch you thought” and shifts from a desire for peace to a desire to roast his sorry ass, and once again merges her desires (to make him pay and save her people) and responsibilities (to protect her people and get to Ephraim) by bringing the fight to him. The second time is when Glen confronts her en route to Caer Pelyn. She tells him that while she has no desire to fight him, she’ll fight back if he instigates one. He chooses to back off, so she doesn’t have to act on her word even though she was prepared to. The third time is when Lyon encounters her Jehanna Hall. Here, she should have been with Innes, L’Arachel, and Seth in search for Queen Ismaire. When Lyon appears before her (in her path, no less), she immediately drops even to see if Lyon is alright, despite knowing that Lyon is the prince of Grado and suspected to be behind the war, never mind that he conveniently appeared right after everyone else left. Her desire to talk with Lyon and see if he is alright overpowers her responsibility to find Ismaire and to be suspicious of her potential enemies... and the Demon King takes full advantage of this later.

My in-depth analysis of the Demon King’s emotional manipulation of Ephraim and Eirika will be reserved for another post, but he tugs on their senses of desire and responsibility in Chapter 18. With Eirika, he imitates Lyon in order for her to drop her guard and believe that Lyon’s in there somewhere. He already knows that if it’s Lyon, or who she thinks is Lyon, she’ll drop everything for him. To drive it even further, he even gives her a convenient way to save Lyon: giving him the Sacred Stone. Even though L’Arachel already warned her that saving Lyon is nigh impossible even with a Sacred Stone, he essentially guilt-trips Eirika into handing it over. By presenting her with an almost-too-easy solution, he makes it feel like it’s her responsibility to hand over the stone if she wants to save Lyon, which she does. And she falls for it.

With Ephraim, he has Lyon pretend to be possessed, giving Ephraim a sense of hopelessness for Lyon’s redemption after the events of Chapter 14. Ephraim, who has been striving to live up to his responsibilities after the events of Chapter 16, rushes after the “Demon King” because killing the possessed Lyon is his “responsibility” as a friend, even if he didn’t desire it. As a result, Ephraim charges after Lyon, heedless of the fact that his allies couldn’t keep up with him; he is then trapped alone, giving Lyon/Fomortiis the opportunity to take and destroy the Sacred Stone. To rub salt into the wound, Fomortiis allows “Lyon” to come to the surface and make Ephraim believe that what he has done in the name of “responsibility” has been a lie all along.

In spite of the Demon King’s manipulation of them, the two overcome the setback for the final battle.

Eirika: Shut your mouth. I won’t allow you to desecrate Lyon’s body any further. You will not return to this world. I will stop you myself if I must.

Evil Lyon: Ah, is that so… And do you honestly think yourself capable, wench... You once prayed for this fool’s salvation. Can you bring yourself to kill him...

Eirika: I can and I will. I made a promise to Lyon, and I intend to honor it.

In her ending, Eirika briefly contemplates using the last remaining Sacred Stone, which contains Fomortiis’ soul, to revive those who were lost to the war, but then turns around that says that it isn’t right. It was because Lyon lost himself to both his desires and his responsibilities that the war happened. While it’s important to be the best ruler that she can, she also cannot let her desire for it cause her to go to extremes like Lyon did.

Ephraim: Lyon. Is this... Is this my fault? Am I responsible for how much you’ve changed? I haven’t seen you for two years now... Have you...hated me that entire time?

Lyon: No, Ephraim. I was never dishonest. I liked you both. I still do. But I was envious of you, too. That’s why I...desired this. You may not believe me when I tell you this, but... Even now, after all this, I still consider you a friend.

Ephraim: Lyon... You know that I do, too. I spoke the truth to you... I truly thought that we would always be friends. That’s why I... I have to stop you.

In his ending, Ephraim immediately sets off for Grado upon hearing of the terrible earthquake that occurred, knowing it is the one that Lyon had sought to prevent. Because of his desire to honor Lyon’s wishes to save Grado, Ephraim chooses to take responsibility over Grado for the time being. If he was the one who ended the life of Grado’s prince and the last known member of the royal family, then he’ll step into Lyon’s shoes and do what Lyon couldn’t.

#fe8 #sacred stones #meta #eirika #ephraim #spoilers #story analysis

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understandingchaoss · 7 years

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My New Diagnosis and What It Means for Me

Personality disorders have got to be one of the most stigmatized mental illnesses in today’s day and age. When I say personality disorder, the first thing you probably think of is multiple personality disorder. What you probably didn’t know is that there are at least 10 known personality disorders. What you also probably didn’t know is that there is no such thing as multiple personality disorder these days. Multiple personality disorder is now known as dissociative identity disorder, which is typically brought on by trauma. I have a minor case of this disorder. But that’s another topic for another day and another post. I however haven’t had much of a problem coping with that diagnosis.

But then there’s borderline personality disorder aka my new diagnosis.

During my time in the psychiatric unit, I was terrified that the psychiatrist there was going to give me another diagnosis. But my assumption was that he would misdiagnose me with bi-polar disorder; which is something that I do not have, but is something that many people believe I must have only because it seems to be so common these days. He told me that all of the diagnoses that my current psychiatrist of 7 years has given me are spot on. Although, he stated that he felt strongly that I had borderline personality disorder, and felt that if I speak to my current psychiatrist about it, he would probably agree. The only reason my current psychiatrist has never given me the diagnosis is because he’s never performed an evaluation for it; which is something that must be done upon diagnosis of BPD.

Before we go any further, I’d like to say something about labels. Many people consider a diagnosis a label, something that can be dangerous, because these days, there is a label for anything and everything. If I were evaluated, I would probably be diagnosed with another 5 mental illnesses. But I don’t need a diagnosis for every single little behavior or emotion in my life. However, I will admit that having this new diagnosis has helped me tremendously because it’s a very unique disorder. It has very unique characteristics and behaviors. Many of which I have, but for a long time, none of it made sense. I wasn’t educated on BPD, so it wasn’t something I ever thought of. But there are so many things in my life that make perfect sense now, and I am so thankful for that.

Now, borderline personality disorder is defined as a pattern of feelings and behaviors that seem appropriate and justified to the person experiencing them, even though these feelings and behaviors cause a great deal of problems in that person’s life. It typically includes several symptoms like, inappropriate or extreme emotional reactions, highly impulsive behaviors sometimes associated with inappropriate and intense anger, and a history of unstable relationships. Other symptoms which aren’t as common, include, frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting, intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days, chronic feelings of emptiness, having stress-related paranoid thoughts, and having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

I’d like to walk through each symptom and explain what each one is like for me personally, as this disorder varies so much from person to person.

Inappropriate or extreme emotional reactions Upon explanation by the psychiatrist, I learned that this does not always mean that I’m going to lash out and react like a 5 year old; screaming at the top of my lungs because I was told no. He explained that it also means that I am highly sensitive and react with great emotional intensity. My feelings and emotions related to my interpersonal relationships are very intense, so when difficulties and conflict surface, it can cause me to feel extremely anxious, angry, or sad. In my case, I feel more anxious and sad more than I feel angry. During these conflicts, I begin to feel extremely overwhelmed very easily, and the intensity of my emotions feels much greater than normal. As a result, my anxiety becomes much greater and I have a very difficult time trying to calm down once I am upset. However, there are also times where I can do a complete 180 and instead feel disconnected, empty, detached, or numb. I have yet to figure out why it is that I can feel one way during some conflict and the complete opposite during other conflict. The psychiatrist also explained that different types of self-injury are common during the times of feeling numb. I haven’t cut myself in years, but I have an extreme addiction to food, so a lot of things about my eating disorder make a lot more sense now.

Highly impulsive behaviors Most people with BPD find themselves in fights, extreme conflict, or verbal arguments. They do not act before they speak, and it can often land them in jail or the hospital. I do not have those kinds of impulsive behaviors, thankfully. But the psychiatrist did explain that my addiction to food is all based a lot on impulse. Impulse occurs as a reaction to an event that has caused you to have an emotional response. My eating disorder is often triggered by specific events, causing me to have an abnormal emotional response. For some people, impulsive behaviors can include spending sprees, unsafe sex, reckless driving, and substance abuse.

A history of unstable relationships The psychiatrist explained that the abusive relationship that I endured is a perfect example of this symptom. People with BPD often intentionally - but sometimes subconsciously - pick fights with the people close to them. This can lead to abusive relationships, and extremely rocky friendships. Someone with BPD will sometimes intentionally pick a fight to “test” the person. They use those fights as a way to see if the person that claims to love them will actually leave them or not. While I was not the abuser, I did instigate a lot of the fights to see if he would actually leave me. This is where I have a hard time with guilt. Because I instigated a lot of it, I feel as if I asked for it to happen.

This symptom stems into; Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment Someone with BPD experiences intense fear of abandonment. A good example of this symptom in my life is when someone is only but a few minutes late to plans that we have, but my immediate thought is that they forgot about me, hate me, or had something better to do. The longer I wait for them, the more intense the thoughts get. The read recipients setting on the iPhone is my own worst enemy. If I am in the middle of an intense, emotional, or in-depth conversation, and the person clearly reads the message but takes a few minutes to respond, or doesn’t respond at all, my immediate thought is that they hate me and can’t stand to continue the conversation. In my mind, the “abandonment” implies that I am bad; almost as if the abandonment is my punishment for being bad.

Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting This is where part of me feels as if I’ve had BPD since my childhood or teen years. One symptom does not mean I’ve had it all along, but this particular symptom was very dominant for me for many years. Along with my unstable relationships, and extreme emotional reactions, I would not be surprised if I’ve had BPD for years without knowing it. I began cutting myself at the age of 14. Almost immediately, it became a full-blown addiction. I’m talking about the kind of high that drug addicts experience, I experienced. Not from the drug itself, but from the psychological high. It has been scientifically proven that the same hormones and chemicals that are released in your brain during a drug high are released when you cut yourself. It became an everyday thing for me. It was almost as if I HAD to do it. It wasn’t even a choice at that point. Eventually, I began having extreme suicidal thoughts and a few tendencies as my depression got worse. Because I was hospitalized only a week ago, it is clear that my suicidal thoughts have not subsided. Even after being discharged, they seem to be recurring.

Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days This is a big one for me. Everyone experiences changes in their mood. Sometimes they’ll last for a few hours to a few days, just like someone with BPD. But the one thing that sets those people apart from those of us, who have BPD, is the fact that the mood swings don’t usually interfere with their everyday life. A person who does not experience other symptoms of BPD, can still generally function during a mood swing; they can still interact with their family, go do to work, and still be successful. For those of us with BPD, the mood swings can interfere with every single aspect there is in life. What defines this symptom, according to John Cloud from an article in TIME Magazine, “is the sufferers’ inability to calibrate their feelings and behavior.” I am unable to adjust my feelings and emotions - and sometimes even actions - to properly fit a reaction to a “normal” situation. I have days where the mood swings feel so intense that they feel uncontrollable. I have called into work because the mood swing I experienced that day was much too intense, and I just couldn’t bring myself to function correctly.

Chronic feelings of emptiness For those of you who read my previous post about my time in the psychiatric unit last week, you will recall that I talked about the void, and how I felt this overwhelming feeling of nothingness. Nothingness - to me - also means emptiness. When something is empty, you have nothing. This is exactly where I feel my feeling of reaching the void came from. The void is what caused me to have suicidal thoughts to begin with. So when I was told that I had BPD and the psychiatrist explained all of this to me, it made perfect sense as to why I felt that overwhelming feeling of nothingness.

Having stress-related paranoid thoughts We all hear that stupid saying of “You’re so paranoid. Stop it.” Trust me, you would know it if you were paranoid. And trust me when I say that you would not throw that phrase around if you really knew what it was like to be paranoid. I personally feel like this symptom and the symptom of abandonment go hand-in-hand. Paranoia is usually only brought on during times of stress for people with BPD. Whereas people with schizophrenia or paranoid personality disorder experience paranoia to the extreme; i.e. belief that the government is listening in on your phone calls, or that your spouse is having an affair. Paranoia related to BPD is very different. A good example would be if you were in a store and ran into some people that you know. You have a brief conversation with them and then say your goodbyes. For someone with BPD, that’s a stressful situation alone. But then you suddenly hear them laughing as you walk away, and you immediately feel paranoid that they are laughing at something you said, something you’re wearing, or by the way you walk. This causes you to feel as if they are belittling you or are planning to humiliate you the next time that they see you.

Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality For years, I have associated my dissociation with my PTSD/panic disorder because it is brought on by trauma. Within the last year, the dissociation has become much more frequent and much worse. While it still is associated with my PTSD/panic disorder, I had no idea it could be associated with BPD until I began my research, just as I do whenever I receive a new diagnosis. Dissociation is my least favorite thing about PTSD and BPD. Everything feels unreal. I could be at home or somewhere that is very familiar to me, and everything will still look strange, feel strange, or seem unfamiliar. I often have a “zoned out” look that I feel sometimes makes me look psychotic, even though I’m not. Dissociation is defined as a disruption of the normal integrated functions of your consciousness, identity, perception of the environment, or memory. There are several different dissociative identity disorders which is another topic for another day. Dissociation is often used as a coping mechanism to cope with past trauma. But the dissociation associated with DID and BPD differ because of the severity levels. The dissociation found in BPD is not as severe as that found in DID, which explains lot for me.

They say that the name for borderline personality disorder is misleading. I agree, to an extent. But in a way, it also makes sense because so many things about the disorder are borderline to other things. If I have learned anything by receiving new diagnoses, it’s that I cannot allow the label to become my identity. BPD is not my identity, but it surely brings a lot of things to light, and so many things make sense for me now. Mental illness is confusing. I am not the kind of person who can be diagnosed with something and move on from it. I have to know about the diagnosis, I have to know the ins and outs of it. I have to understand something before I can move on from it. This post is mostly for my own understanding, unlike most of my other posts. This illness is still new and fresh to me, and breaking it down bit by bit for myself helps me to understand why I am the way that I am. But my hope is that this will also help others. Borderline personality disorder isn’t very common. But it’s common enough that you likely know one person with it. The best thing anyone can do for someone like me is to learn why I am the way that I am. Being educated on mental illness is the best way to learn.

The symptoms listed in this post should not be used for self-diagnosis. The only way to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder is to see a mental health professional and undergo an evaluation.

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

#understandingchaos

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soberbobmonthly-blog · 7 years

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Neurotypical Body Positivity

TW: Discussion of dysphoria, body hate, disabilities and medical stuff

Without trying to make claims as to the state of mind of the artists I mention, I must simply say that this is not necessarily about the artists themselves, so much as the people who rampantly espouse body positivity without giving clear thought as to what goals it tries to achieve beyond feeling good in the moment.

Through both Tumblr and Instagram, I have been exposed to great body positive artists, whom are often incredibly inclusive and thoughtful. An example is Francis Cannon with their depictions of trans folk, PoC, and disabilities, in beautiful and often realistic ways. Pimples on the butts, fat folds… they are not considered things to be edited out, but as parts of the art to accentuate the beauty.

However, through seeing these pieces and the ardent followers of them, who use these images at the very base value they have of making a person temporarily feel better as opposed to throwing down the systems that make unrealistic bodies the norm, I’ve encountered a hive mind that reacts badly the moment you say you don’t identify with these images.

One piece of work, by Francis Cannon, I’ll concentrate on as it accentuates my point as a whole, and is the piece I find the most problematic when it comes to the body positive movement. The ‘This is My Body” piece, depicting a lovely nude woman, with natural hair and normal body features in a graceful pose, comes adorned with the phrase “This is my body and I love it. Why are you afraid of loving your body too? All your body bits are worth love and care and attention!”

The depiction of the nude woman is not problematic at all. Cannon consistently depicts bodies that, although stylised, accentuate points many mainstream outlets seem to ignore, such as body hair, tummies, rolls, moles, and scars. In this, she begins to deconstruct the aspects of art that seek to ignore these very normal parts of humans, and choses to place them as the centre decorative pieces of the art, drawing attention to them.

The words next to it, however, are where my problem began to lie. Upon seeing this picture on instagram, the only thing I felt was this dread in my heart, that maybe I am not loving myself that much… WHY am I not loving myself that much? She clearly was, she was depicting other people doing so, and the people commenting all seemed to feel the same way. But no matter what I felt, that one piece of art has stuck with me in my mind, making me wonder why on earth I must constantly feel good about myself in such a way.

While I in no way choose to identify with the mainstream idea of constantly needing to fight my body in order to fit into the norm of being a clean skinned, straight toothed, tall, white, cis woman, I in no way am every entirely ok with my body just the way it is. And this is where the body positivity crowd begins to show their weakness; in rejecting the idea that those who have suffered bodily or mental trauma are allowed to manifest their issues in their own way.

“Why are you afraid of loving your body?”

Coming from the experience of having a disability that causes my body to kill itself upon consumption of certain foods or inhalation of spores (or fuck it, for no reason sometimes), in order to give something love, I must feel safe within it. I must feel as though I have acted gracefully towards it and it helped me back. And as much as I can bitch and moan about the issues I must suffer through, the final nail in the coffin of keeping me away from body positive art is to demand that I wholly and truely love something which has caused me so much grief and suffering. I will reach out to any medical claim that might fix my issues over all, no matter how much pain it may cause. I will physically change my body, exercise it, train it, cut it to pieces, just to feel as though I can do something to it that matters, that will fix it.

Why should someone whose lungs fill with fluid every day, drowning them, suddenly fall in love with every aspect of their bodies? Why should a trans guy feel ok with the mammory glands that provoke severe dysphoria and cause distress?

There are so many examples I could rattle on about, but I’ll try and keep these things within my own experiences. I have long since struggled with trauma done to my body due to disabling medical issues, physical violence in institutional settings, and the resulting drug abuse to mentally handle the trauma. I do think that the movement towards bodily love will prevent others from suffering some of the things I did, but there are many issues many people can not suddenly prevent. Scaring from an operation or accident, being born the wrong gender, abuses instigated against us by others… are we not allowed the bodily autonomy to be dissatisfied with the results of what was done to us?

“Why are you afraid of loving your body?”

Because I am afraid of my body. I’m afraid of its reaction anytime I eat. I’m afraid of every rash that it brings up that might get infected. I’m afraid of the moles that mutate into potential cancers… I can love my aesthetic, my “cute” little double chin and the armpit hairs that tumblr and other places keep telling me to love. But I am gaslighted by not only my own body, through half or psychosomatic reactions, but also by other people who either ignore my medical issues altogether, or who tell me they are a part of me. That its a part of me to want to kill myself. That its me that causes pain and trauma.

So to all those whom have sent me messages or feel as though I am unappreciative of “progressive” art that does, all in all, try and break down walls, remember that you’re not on the right side here. Rampant body positivity and love simply serves as an easy way to get people to feel better for a short period of time, like a feel good headline. It grabs your attention, while you leave all the small detail of what the art is actually about in the background, out of your focus. The rest of Cannon’s art does not make me feel the same way. It is very clearly there to break down the barriers that cause people to fall into the trap of hurt and hate. But when someone who has suffered trauma tells you “This isn’t something I can identify with”, you don’t get to tell them that they are wrong.

#BodyPositive #neurodivergent #neurotypical #transgender #trans #art #love #disability #disabled #disphoria

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maximuswolf · 4 years

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Applying the Satanic Rules of the Earth to my life - a success story via /r/satanism

Applying the Satanic Rules of the Earth to my life - a success story

TL;DR: Actively applying the 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth has greatly improved my life. If you’re thinking about it, give it a serious try. Go all in and I’m sure you’ll see results too.

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This is a rather long post, but my goal is just to give people a “real life” example of how you can apply Satanic principles to ones daily life. Everyone’s life is different, but this is how LaVeyan Satanism improved mine.

BACKGROUND

After denouncing my evangelical upbringing (homeschooled, extremely conservative) and during many months of searching for the right path, I happened to read the Satanic Bible. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I didn’t expect it to resonate with me as deeply as it did.

Even so, it took many years to leave the Christian brainwashing behind. I was conditioned to forgive and forget, to be passive and compliant, to bend over backwards for people who didn’t deserve it, and to feel guilty for instigating confrontation of any kind, even in self defense. It took many years for me to really embrace the Satanic Rules and begin putting them into practice, including employing rituals as a psychological method to achieve my goals.

For those unfamiliar, the 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth as written in the Satanic Bible are:

Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

Do not harm little children.

Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

While the writing clearly reflects LaVey’s quirkiness, the message here is solid. I personally don’t have any issues refraining from disrespecting someone in their own home, committing sexual assault, stealing, hurting children, or killing animals for sport, so I won’t get into numbers 3, 5, 6, 9 or 10. However, many of the others don’t come naturally to most people of Christian upbringing. It’s taken active effort to apply these principles to my daily life.

RULES 1, 2, & 8

I started out focusing on the rules that deal with keeping my mouth shut. It’s second nature to many of us to just spill our guts to random people throughout the day, participate in the constant bitching and moaning people do about everything, or give advice where it isn’t wanted. This just creates unnecessary drama and emotional labor. After working on this a while, I really noticed a huge difference in my friendships, my working relationships, and my home life. I no longer freely offer my opinions unless requested, I don’t complain to people unless they want to hear it (AND if it is constructive or will benefit me), and I don’t choose to insert myself into situations I know I’ll complain about. Basically, I keep my mouth shut about things that aren’t my business unless I’ve been invited to make it my business. As a result, I notice that I don’t get pulled into drama I don’t want to be involved in. It’s easier to stay out of things that aren’t worth my time and are really none of my business. I also get to choose what is worth getting involved in. It’s really freeing, mentally and emotionally, so i can invest time and effort into other areas of my life. Some aspects of social anxiety I struggle with were lifted, and I was able to put more distance between me and people I don’t care to associate with. At home with my partner, I learned to ask when to listen, when to give advice and when to sit back and just offer support. And I stopped contributing to the constant cloud of complaints that just hovers over my workplace. If i have constructive comments or opinions that will benefit me, I write them up in a professional manner and send them to my boss. I don’t bitch about it to my coworkers, which often doesn’t do any good. If I’m in a situation I feel the need to complain about, I take the initiative to change my situation rather than just idly wish it was different. This has actually helped me progress in my career as I’m seen as a problem solver who brings ideas to the table, rather than just pointing out flaws or starting drama.

RULES 4 & 11

So these rules are similar in that they lay the foundation for expecting respect and removing people from your life who do not give you the respect you deserve. These rules were hard for me because they deal with treating other people in a manner I was taught was “mean”, “disrespectful”, and “rude”. I used to bow my head to everyone. I never made eye contact. This stemmed from having low self-esteem and low self-respect. I grew up with an abusive mother and my father enabled her behavior. I was used to being treated like trash. It was normal, I expected it, and it’s hard to unlearn things than have been ingrained since childhood. I spent a lot of time thinking about what it meant to be an independent being with inherent worth and value. I needed to learn how to replace the respect I once had for a non-existant god with respect for myself because I am essentially my own god. I make the rules for my own life and no one has the right to impose themselves on my life, for which I have complete control and responsibility over. Then I got angry... and then I got therapy. In the process, I found a level of respect for myself and established a “no tolerance” policy for behaviors towards me that perpetuated my old mindset. Also, the introduction of regular self-empowering rituals (see the next point) have greatly improved my mood, my motivation, and confidence in myself to demand the level of respect I deserve from the people I choose to let participate in my life. After that, adopting rules 4 and 11 was easier than I thought. “Treat them cruelly” and “destroy them” sounds like strong language, but for me, this means “remove them from your life”.

For rule 4, I define “lair” as being my personal space. My home, my car, and anywhere I am privately. I don’t tend to invite people over, so I don’t leave myself open to this often. However, last year, I was sexually assault after a gig with my band. He was a friend of the drummer (who was also my friend and coworker) and had too much to drink to drive. His home was on my way home and I offered to give him a ride. Had I been the person I used to be, I would have blamed myself. I would have just let it go, not wanting to stir up trouble between this guy and our mutual friend. However, being the person I am now, I immediately made a police report (which is a whole story in and of itself) and pursued an order of protection (because he indicated intent to see me again at our shows etc). The male officers I spoke with told me that I should just “bring a cousin or brother along” if I was afraid for my safety. I told them I wanted to see their supervising officer. I reported them both and I got my police report. My assailant didn’t come to the first, second or third hearing and the judge said a single assault wasn’t grounds for an order of protection. However, at the fourth hearing, he showed up and signed a consent judgement, which essentially admits fault and agrees to the order being put into place. It is now visible on his public record and he has been removed from my path.

For rule 11, I interpret “open territory” to mean any public space where I am in contact with other people (work being the main example). I have encountered so many so-called “strong personalities” in my field, ranging from an openly racist boss, to an incredibly passive aggressive supervisor, to a verbally abusive staff member. In every case, I was personally and negatively affected by their behavior and it was impeding my happiness at work and my productivity, either directly or indirectly through negative impacts on other coworkers. The person I was would have kept my head down. The person I am now made a well thought out and professional HR complaint, all of which were taken very seriously and corrective action was implemented. Each individual was removed from immediate contact with me and I have progressed in my career in their absence. In addition, I have used these rules to remove my parents from my life. My mental health has exponentially improved since going no contact with them. I can’t even explain the level of emotional stability I have achieved through taking actions like these.

RULE 7

The use of magick.... this is the rule that needlessly trips everyone up. Ive heard some people say this is absurd and proof that LaVeyan Satanists believe in the supernatural. Magick is the act of causes change to occur in accordance with your Will. The only change that can occur is chance that occurs in accordance with nature. Ritual is a psychological method of manipulating your own mind to achieve something you normally wouldn’t. A basic example is your morning routine. Every morning, I have a choice. I can wake up early, take a shower, grab a cup of coffee, and plan my day, or I can snooze my alarm, roll out of bed, skip the shower and coffee. Personally, I am more likely to be productive and in the right mindset for the day in the first scenario. This is ritual. This is magick. My behavior affects my mindset. The physical motions I choose to go through have an impact on my future actions and the outcomes. If reading tarot or using special essential oils or performing elaborate rituals by candlelight help you achieve a mindset that allows you to achieve your goals, go for it. I performed “lesser magick” in various ways to increase my focus, decrease stress, increase motivation, and bring about change. I have also used a personalized version of the “ritual for destruction” included in the Satanic Bible in many cases to help me achieve the changes I want to see in the removal of people from my life. If it doesn’t work for you, it’s ok. Rule 7 says if it DOES work for you, go with it. Everyone is different and everyone will have different psychological ways of helping themselves succeed.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I hope it’s helpful for you. Always happy to chat with new (and seasoned) Satanists.

Hail Satan.

Submitted September 01, 2020 at 12:19PM by SubjectivelySatan via reddit https://ift.tt/2ED0IBR

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ah17hh · 4 years

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Applying the Satanic Rules of the Earth to my life - a success story via /r/satanism

Applying the Satanic Rules of the Earth to my life - a success story

TL;DR: Actively applying the 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth has greatly improved my life. If you’re thinking about it, give it a serious try. Go all in and I’m sure you’ll see results too.

————————-

BACKGROUND

For those unfamiliar, the 11 Satanic Rules of the Earth as written in the Satanic Bible are:

Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

Do not harm little children.

Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

RULES 1, 2, & 8

RULES 4 & 11

RULE 7

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I hope it’s helpful for you. Always happy to chat with new (and seasoned) Satanists.

Hail Satan.

Submitted September 01, 2020 at 11:19AM by SubjectivelySatan via reddit https://ift.tt/2ED0IBR

#IFTTT #reddit

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inuashnar1 · 5 years

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EVP 2017 NOTES

*these notes are transcribed from a series of graph pages I had written on in random order during the month of December 2017. In no particular order, but in relevance to who I am now, here are the scripts that I find most interesting RELEVANT to re-read in August 2019.

EVP NOTE PAGE 1

Intentionally performative ---> or forcibly performative.

Is the contract different as a body practise or a performance practise

Choreographic the affect of the knowledge of the room.

---> mistrust my own checks and balances.

Do I recognize my practise?

What is the right language to bridge the gap btwn what you see and what you want

others to see

How do I take responsibility for this thing I made

Inverting my own desire. Stepping back.

Not drowning in the accumulation - fresh eyes

Ethical reflection - language in a manifesto on what should reflect?

Sometimes it is good to follow the lighter path verses the dark path

It’s not arbitrary - leaving you to your own desires.

All that matters is the ‘how to integrate’. You can only push yourself to the place where you can integrate to create new sensation - recognizing you need support to be on the edge.

Practicality and all other things feel slippery - awareness to the most obvious - it exceeds itself

There is no extra

Banal -----------Fantastical

EVP NOTE PAGE 2

Thinking Practise - Benden. Confident proposition in all aspects of ideas.

Success in all choices - because everything is a success

Discontent in content in discontent in content

Content in discontent in content in discontent

The expectation of yourself when others are around resulting to old habits as comforts within performance.

Bringing out a performance that is authentic at a high velocity.

How do you achieve a proper direction in directing or drawing out prose in theatre?

Prose i mean text or score from an organic state

Organic in a sense of calm brevitas and charm in the present moment at hand.

How do I practise> By physically doing - by creating certainty through searching. Practise of performance. How do I compose my own values of dance and maintain a desire of ‘the sake of function’

I am interested in sacrificing to assist the desire of curiosity.

Jesus on le crosse

EVP NOTE PAGE 3

EVERYBODY’S SELF INTERVIEWS - ELEANOR BAUER

Is dance concerned with universal truths? When everything is accessible, everything is treated as cultural currency, and appropriation (rather than belonging or not) is the common mode of relation to what exists, everything is doubled, imitated, transmitted virtually, stimulated, represented….

We no longer seek shared values by agreement or consensus, but individual truths by positioning in relation to each other within an infinite fractal horizon of others.

Any values or truths previously considered universal are thrown on the menu of free for all, mix & match, choose your-own-adventure. Assimilation of cultural codes, values, and ref. With which individuals invent, define, situate themselves today.

Lara ebata

How to re-invent the ingredients of our recipe of self construction. How to overcome these codes to reflect upon and challenge our relationship to dance and our position in it as well as an audience’s.

What happens when dance is not viewed via the body to body, but through participating mechanisms of globalization i.e. youtube, TV, documentaries.

DOES THIS ALTER OUR SENSE OF UNIVERSAL TRUTHS IN DANCE?

DO WE NOT CARE???

-everyone dances primarily for pleasure or satisfaction // in watching we are attracted to the, and satisfied by the, believable visible pleasure of the performer/dancer.

AUTHENTICITY

Eleanor’s purpose - not to make generalization, to deliver universal truths, but to allow a multiplication of answers to create specificity and mobilize positions FOR THE AUDIENCE to move through

THE DANCER MUST CHOOSE

-personal taste, attractors, detractors, desires, own process of individualization, as a way to set limits of the “research” to not act lost in all options available to as when we decide we will make it our work to learn new dances from other contexts provides for...

HOW THE INDIVIDUAL REMAINS CRYSTALIZED AND SHARP AROUND THE EDGES.

IS QUESTIONING THE ACTUAL PROCESS?

YES.

“Is this a process where the question vaults as looking for an answer, or a set of answers and delivery to them, or is this a process where the question continues to motivate a search?

DOUBT ??// in terms of: when we ask about ‘ the position/role/purpose of dance’

Do we concern ourselves only with affirming it, or are we allowed to say ‘dance is boring and worthless’ for instance?

Maybe the latter is preferred and that we construct a position out of that, that can be utilized and materialized.

*the process as one where returning to the basic question continues to produce further possibilities and gives the piece A GRAVITATIONAL CENTRE around which a very broad and inclusive range of positions can be taken up, including doubtful ones.

IRONIC - by allowing doubt and including doubt, allowing ourselves to not only search for the affirmative and motivational answers;

“We diminish doubt as a dead end and mobilize doubt as a position to pass through.”

---as a maker, there is no part of my collaborators brain or political interest that has to be left outside the studio doors, but that all modes of of criticality and distance are instruments to strengthen the work but also to BROADEN ITS PERSPECTIVE --- a choice that is consequent to the motives of the work itself, which tries to achieve a

VIRTUAL KIND OF AT-LARGENESS

Via inhabiting/assuming a multiplicity of possible

Perspectives

If you put something ontop- we read insecurity

Putting it into your body - what we feel is confidence?

EVP NOTE PAGE 4

I fear

Myself- I have the capacity to harm others

Life - has the capacity and capability to harm me

Others - have the capability to harm me and themselves

Koko be good - Examining goodness. What does it mean to be good? How can you achieve goodness? Is it achievable? Do I already have it?

I like the idea of knowing. I know so little. When I know more, it opens up reasoning for knowing even less. I am small. I want to feel big. So I yell. But I also yell because I can.

How did I start yelling? Was I always this brash> Do other’s sense my brashness?

How does someone become unkind? Un-good?

Kind? Good?

Everyone desires something. So far a desire to be seen is prevailing. We all scope into varieties of niches to project ourselves.

Ame said coding. Coding is clever. I think. I’ve never heard anyone say it before, so to me, and my experience, it’s very clever.

To be able to take pleasure in something to then feel compelled to continue to do it.

That is dance.

Pleasure for me.

Pleasure for you.

Pleasure for them.

Pleasure for good.

EVP NOTE PAGE 5

Whether or not your question becomes the audience’s question, OR if this question is the gravitational centre of the process of the gravitational centre of the piece.

Are they not looking at something else than your questions when they look at your materials?

-they are in a way, looking at answers; however they may all be spin-offs of the same questions?

Do they appear as symptoms of the same crux or failing.

Do they all lead back to the same issue

Do they rather produce several sub-issues?

Our thinking about dance itself does not produce a reflection on dance itself. But rather makes more visible the values, and perspectives that we take up in relation to dance - entertainment, pleasure, technicality, virtuosity, oppression, communication etc.

Rather than putting the viewer in the position of understanding, accepting or disagreeing with some statement that we or I deliver about these versatile perspectives on, and receptions of the medium, it can be optimal if we manage to produce a state of questioning and reflection in the viewer.

The performer hopefully becomes the direct instigator of thought and experience

WHAT THOUGHT & WHAT EXPERIENCE PRODUCE A STATE OF QUESTIONING AND REFLECTION OF WHAT IN THE VIEWER

The how becomes the what → not just in virtuous performing

If the what is dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance and more dance.

PEOPLE STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT DANCE WE DO

Which is the point in Elanor’s reality. If I lift my arm, do a triple pirouette, Krump, the viewers just want to get underneath that material to the WHY we do it, by looking at HOW we do it.

The way we frame, perform, order, deliver, connect, relate all those different ‘dances’ is therefore responsible for content

The very breadth of the movement that we choose to make available and possible for ourselves in it

How to make a piece which is not schizophrenic, but flexible.

EVP NOTE PAGE 6

Staying with an idea that appears to be failing → doing it more intensely, or less intensely

The desire to complicate → shuts down the work

WE CAN ONLY MAKE OUR WORK

Through ineptitude sounding emerges.

(trying to copy someone else through your failings)

How do you recognize your work? - choreographic signature - reason for making choreography.

BOUT THE HIP REPLACEMENT

Diminishing of physical involvement

Huge effort to be interested in choreography because there was not an urge, no empathy due to injury.

WORKING with restricted vocabulary.

Nikola

Burlesque each other’s most iconic work. Make available your signature, throw what would be the body of work to be handled.

What do other people interpret you as?

Find something else that you can do with it within someone else.

FIND A BEGINNER

A book. A trip. A slip.

A wind. A plane. A banana.

A fish. A door. A bruise.

What type of essay are you writing?

Do you think of your mom much?

How many times have you tripped today?

Can you buy me an expensive piece of cheese?

What do you think about your knees?

Is black a common occurrence in your mind?

If there were 17 hours instead of 12, what would you do?

Heels are complementary to any outfit.

EVP NOTE PAGE 7

#1 h

-working on lots of fabulous things in ⅔ inverts → everything turns into a wash of white noise.

Urdang. JazZ.

Audience, gets overwhelmed by the density of invention.

If the rate of change is change, it can become like a drug when certain things are in the background or fore-ground. About spec. Adjacency, juxtaposition. Accepting what comes easily.

Stay with a failing idea.

Thinking is not doing

A concept is not choreography

An idea is not a piece

Engagement with the idea is the piece/work

Relationship of music to your world and then questioning the assumption. Support? Used to it? Needed?

Is this me or you?

Let me know when you can.

No rush.

Well.

Let me know by Tuesday

Xoxo

2017

EVP NOTE PAGE 8

Dance is always a political entity & point of view

You think -----you plan ----- what happens?...

→ does it really matter? Is it a concern or an interest? What comes off as affect for the viewer.

No rules in the context of the world. With the limitation & possibilities, formulate a situation that informs the work.

PROCESS VERSUS PRODUCT

THROUGH NOT TO

*crucial to not make assumptions about “what is dance?”

Resist the idea that there is a singular way to make dance. There are infinite ways.

Being in control - defiance of submission to individuality - pressure to have a point of view that defines you. Building a practise around articulating what it is what we are doing.

Practising HOW as opposed to WHAT

HOW is it to be always in a practise of HOW we are doing it

Every little thing affects the whole.

I don’t want to give up myself as fuel for others

THINKING is PERFORMATIVE

Wanting to engage in humor but you can’t

Agree or disagree

I’m not necessarily invested in the truth.

The truth is always there.

Maybe misinformation is good.

Does it make you sad? Is it too dangerous?

0 notes

dailyaudiobible · 5 years

Text

12/27/2018 DAB Transcript

Zechariah 10:1-11:17, Revelation 18:1-24, Psalms 146:1-10, Proverbs 30:33

Today is the 27th day of December. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I'm Brian. It is a pleasure, it is a joy, and an honor to be here with you now, two day's removed dry from Christmas, right? And we’re marching towards the end of this year and the beginning of the new year as fast as we possibly can and as slow as we possibly can because we have no control over it. It's coming towards us but we do have control over how we finish this year and we have had a rhythm all year long, of allowing the Scriptures to speak into our lives in community among friends knowing that we’re not on this journey alone, not in the Scriptures, and not in life. And, so, that's what we will continue to do, and we will finish this year strong. And, so, the next step forward leads us back into the book of Zechariah and today we will read chapters 10 and 11 of the book of Zechariah before moving back into the book of Revelation in the New Testament. And we’re reading from the Christian Standard Bible this week. Zechariah 10:1 through 11:17.

Commentary:

Okay, so, how, fast Christmas comes and goes, right? A couple days removed and it's like, you know, maybe you leave your Christmas lights up all the way through the new year, maybe you leave them up all the way through January, I don't know, but a lot of us are thinking, “I just want to get thus stuff down, I want to get myself prepared, I want to get everything clean, you know, I want to go to the new yeur right.” And, so, how quickly it comes and goes, but just like we mentioned yesterday, there's one thing that’s unique during the weeks between Christmas and New Year's. It’s that our hearts naturally sense that a new beginning is coming. And that's partly brought about because of the Advent season, because of the waiting and the longing for Christmas to arrive and for joy to be felt and for goodwill toward men to be felt all around the world as we rejoice together. And then we naturally sense that something new is coming. And, so, we start to consider the trajectory of our lives more than any other time of the year and that's partly because our pace is disrupted. And, so, you know, this is the time we renew the gym memberships, this is the time we start to contemplate spirituality, this is the time we start thinking the deeper things, like, you know, we need to work harder at our marriage it. It's…that…we start thinking about what we’re gonna do next year and what we’re gonna become and achieve, what we’re gonna withdraw from. And one thing that we really should have noticed all year long, but one thing that we can deeply notice right now is that the book of Proverbs can be invaluable as a resource in figuring that out, in figuring out where we’re gonna go and what we’re gonna do, like what comes next with this next season that is upon us is going to look like, because Proverbs leads us deeper. Like, it leads us down toward the essence and the source of our desire for change. Because a lot of times, you know, like our New Year's resolutions are balanced into our exterior lives. We want to lose some weight because we want to look better, right? And it's less about, we want to lose weight because we want our organs to function more properly so that we can live longer. So, it's like this balance where things are skewed to the exterior. We want a promotion at work or want to de-clutter our houses. But, Proverbs…Proverbs speaks to the deeper matters of the soul and it's like the age worn wisdom of all time. And, so, it helps us to expose the motives of for why it is we want to make some sort of change, why we want to do something to improve ourselves. And the fact is that the wisdom of Proverbs has stood the test of time through lots and lots and lots of New Year's days, way more New Year's days then we get to experience upon this earth. And it stood the test of time. So, like, for example, what we read in Proverbs today is, you know, is short and compact but it's direct and full of truth in the way that it tells us what’s obvious, but we usually ignore it. So, we were told the beating of cream will yield butter and striking the nose is gonna can cause bleeding, and so stirring up anger will cause quarrels. So, yeah, it's like dah, if we churn cream butter will happen it. It's true. Like, I can remember doing that as a kid once. And, yeah, you stir it and you stir it and you stir it and you stir it and it starts to get thicker and thicker and thicker and pretty soon you have butter. And, so, yeah, and also if you get punched in the nose you’re probably gonna get a bloody nose and it’s not gonna be a good scene. So, we would agree, like, yeah, that what happens. But we usually aren't considering that the proverb has attached something else that is supposed to be obvious, like just as obvious as if you churn cream it will make butter or, if you punch someone in the nose it's gonna bleed. Stirring up anger causes quarrels. So, let's think about it. What do we want in the new year, more conflict or less conflict? Because Proverbs is telling us how to achieve either one of those goals. So, like, if we just thrive on turmoil and chaos well then, we should stir up more anger because that will get us where we want to go. But if we’d like to kind of reduce the chaos and the quarreling and the strife and the tension that just lingers like a cloud in tumultuous relational times, then we need to stir up less anger, right? Proverbs is just telling us what is obvious and true without any prejudice or any nuance, just the truth. We usually hear the stark truth and will start formulating why it has to be the way that it has to be. Proverbs just like cuts through the crap and says, this is your choice, right? So, you want more conflict and strife, then stir up more anger and you will get it. But if you’re trying to reduce those things in your life, those stresses, and actually find something more harmonious then you gotta stir up less anger. And, so, to be clear, like, there are times we have to step into critical situations that may be confrontational, right? So, like, eliminating all anger isn't gonna eliminate all conflict, but Proverbs is talking about our intentionality. So, like, churning cream is an intentional act and the outcome is butter. A punch in the nose is an intentional act. And deliberately stirring up anger by provoking somebody, whether your spouse or your child or your coworker or the by the person that might cut in front of you at the 75% off sale today, right? That’s an intentional thing and it's nothing more than picking a fight. And if we’re gonna instigate a quarrel then, I mean, then we’re gonna get a quarrel. But we’re gonna get…we’re gonna get what we want. So, if we’ll incorporate this wisdom into our lives, this can become a rescue from so much unnecessary conflict as we move into the new year. And so, if we would achieve this, then we’re gonna have a lot more peace in our lives in the coming year, right? There’s gonna be a lot more harmony and continuity in our relationships, which is gonna allow us to pursue more meaningful and fruitful goals, which means that our New Year's resolutions can be bigger than what….like…we can raise the bar…we can look higher…we can go farther. So, let's remember, let’s remember Proverbs as a guide toward the changes that we want to shift into in the new year.

Prayer:

So, Holy Spirit, we invite You into that. What's next Lord? What You seem to be speaking through Your word is that…that’s it’s deeper…it’s deeper than just what we can rearrange. Like, we can rearrange the furniture in our lives, but that's all we’ve done is just move things around to make them look different when You are inviting us to do the deep work of the soul that will fundamentally shift us because we are then collaborating and cooperating with the work of sanctification. We are being transformed into Your likeness, we’re becoming Christlike, we’re becoming like You. And, so, when we do this work inside all these other things, this furniture moving around in our lives becomes unnecessary or we’re just moving things around naturally to accommodate a bigger life. So, come Holy Spirit as we contemplate what comes next, we pray. In Jesus’ name we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website and it's we’re you find out what's going on around here.

And I have something to tell you that's going on around here. And I did really good. Like, I didn't cry during any readings or anything today. And I didn't…like…I kept the main thing the main thing, which is the Bible, but I am giddy to tell you this…and I would've told you yesterday, but everybody that needed to be told hadn’t been told and I’m not driving this ship, but now I'm told that I can tell. So, in a very, very well executed plan our daughter China’s boyfriend Ben, yeah, the boy did everything right and he completely kept his girlfriend off from…and she can figure out just about anything. It’s like really, really hard to surprise me and it's really, really hard to surprise my daughter, but he did. And, so, on the evening of Christmas after everything was over and everyone was gone a little story was told in our living room and it ended up with…it ended up with Ben on his knees asking for China's hand and her acceptance of his proposal. And, so we announce the engagement of our daughter China who has been a voice around here for the last decade, reading Daily Audio Bible kids and Daily Audio Bible teens and now Daily Audio Bible Chronological. And, so, new seasons are upon us and we couldn't…we couldn't be more happy. She’s found her match and he's found his match. And we think they're a good match. And you can be a good match if you’re willing to put the work in and they seem to be willing to do that. you So, Jill and I are, of course, you know, bringing up all the memories of her entire life that we can think of that…I mean…I don’t know…we look at a flower outside and it's a memory of China, we look up at the sky and it’s a memory of China, we look at our car and it’s a memory of China or we look at the pavement and its memory of China or the sidewalk or…because everything right now is just reminding us…all those memories are flooding. Like, wow, how did it happen that this girl grew? She was…she was just little…how did this happen? Which is kind of how it works. Here we are at the end of the year. How did this happen? It seems we just started this journey and we’re like, right at the end of this journey as we’re going through the Bible. It just happens. And it happens pretty quick if you’re not paying attention. And, so, here we are, but we are very, very excited and truly overjoyed for what the future will bring. And, yeah, we always wondered, you know, what kind of man will capture this woman's heart. And she found, you know, she’s been wise. She's been a wise young lady her whole life and she's done well. And we’re very, very excited about this coming year and what it holds and all that is out in front of us. So, together we [clapping]. I should get like some sort of…some sound effect. Hold on. [applause sound effect]. It's always nice to…I should have let that play for a while. It’s always nice to share good news and we’ve shared all the news. You know, our families been in this Daily Audio Bible and committed to it for…well…we’re in the 14th year. And it's been a seven day a week thing. And, so, that has profound effects over time. When you’re doing something every single day it becomes part of the rhythm of life. And, so, we've shared hard news among this community and difficulties along the way, but it's always a joy to share welcome news, happy news and this is truly happy news. So, we congratulate China and Ben on their engagement. And, so, what do you say after that other than to say, you know, I love you and thank you…and thank you for sharing in this joyful moment with us as a part of this community as we move into the final days of this year.

If you have a prayer request or comment, 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Love never fails. Father, thank You for Your mercy this day. Father, thank You for our sister in Christ, Janelle, a warrior of God, a blessing to her family, the loved ones You gifted her with. We are all a witnesses to Your glory as she demonstrates the power of the living word of God in her life and this prayer wall. Father, I stand ready with them, fully armored, learning, listening, loving, growing together, connected in the body forever, here, right now, today, this day You have made in love. Indeed Father, love is the greatest of all, Your love, breathing the breath of life in her for all those You bring into her path today, truly a light, bright and clear in awe of You, Your power, the fear of God. Father, You are pure love that is more that we can think or imagine good, yet we are given each moment we choose to receive, a growing understanding. Each moment we seek You finding You the love that You’ve made in us in Your image from the beginning. Love is who we are, seeking You, finding You as You said in Your word, finding light everlasting You gave us through Your son, Your only child, Your love to believe, to become whose we are, children of the most high God, royalty of the King of Kings, whose blood covers us, whose DNA is inside us, and the Holy Spirit given to us the moment we choose to believe the living word. Father, thank You for Your love that cannot fail. Father You said You will not will not will not fail us three times most high God, three times. In the name of the Father the son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Hi Daily Audio Bible this is Eben in Tallahassee. I’m calling for the first time today. I’ve been listening all year and I’m in the October month right now but it’s December and I’ve been listening because I’m trying to become a minister and part of my process includes taking exams and one of them is what is in the Bible. And, so, I found you and I discovered a brand-new universe of connected Christians. And, so, I’m so thankful for all of you and for your prayers and for the Scripture and for the daily activity. And I just wanted to share that with you today. I’m on my way to a meeting that is part of my process and takes me to a next level to become a candidate and that from the is a game changer. And following this, I take the Bible content exam. So, I have you guys in my mind and in my heart and my soul as I take a step forward and I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being there and thank you for listening to me and to each other and for having an open heart to God. Blessings to all of you. Amen.

This is Bobby It Is Well. I’m calling actually for confession. I know that the Lord…if I want to work on a weakness…I need to confess it, and this is one of the best places I know to do that. My confession is of fear of what others think of me. I know that this is a fear that we all struggle with. What do I say to people? How do I look? Do I look okay? Do they like me? And this is a weakness because I need to trust in God because it doesn’t matter. I need to trust in God that He is the only one who can help me. So, dear heavenly father, please help me as I repent of this sin of fear, a fear that led Peter into trouble into denying Christ three times, a fear that led Saul into no longer being your anointed. Dear heavenly father, help me let go of this fear, that you are the one who needs to know what I am doing and how I am. And if I am pleasing you than I am pleasing anyone else. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Hi, my name is Angelique and I am from the Pacific Northwest, Washington state and I am calling in regard to a prayer request I heard from Sharon from Southern California over a week ago or so. I have been praying for you, Sharon, and I just wanted to share that my mom, who’s now with Jesus, she passed away a year ago, she suffered from manic-depression. And, so I am familiar with the highs and lows and the pain that’s caused from that chemical in balance. But I’m just praying for you that her meanness will be turned to kindness, and anger will be turned to love, and her heart for you so that you’ll be able to see your grandkids again. I’ll also be praying for your relationship with her to be whole and healed, restored. That happened for me with my mom. And the last 14, 15 years of her life she didn’t want to hurt me anymore. She __ and she told me she was going to take her medicine consistently, which she did. And she was open to…just my comments when I noticed her behavior…her personality was changing she would go get checked out at the doctor and get her medicine adjusted. And, so, I’m hopeful and I saw God do amazing things in her life, actually all throughout her life. Her life is a testimony to God and I am so grateful that God gave me…

Hey, this is PG from NC, I’m calling, literally, I had to pull over the car and stop. I just heard Brian share the word of the year being “Maintain.” And I think it’s easy to think, maintain, that’s kind of a bland kind of blah kind of word, but when you said it Brian, I mean I literally had to stop the podcast of listening to the Christmas party because it exploded in me. And I’m not one who get alliteration. Like I don’t hear…I don’t think that way. And, so, I just want to really quickly tell you what I really believe I heard the Lord say. If we we’ll maintain our path He will our place. If we will maintain our pace He’ll maintain our priorities. It we’ll maintain our perspective He’ll maintain our purpose. If we’ll maintain our purity He’ll maintain our progress. And if we’ll maintain our prayer He’ll maintain our power. I don’t know about you but I’m really excited about 2019.

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