#how am i supposed to sleep when all i think is this
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intelligence is attractive | s.r x fem!reader
ꨄ requested: anonymous
ꨄ genre: smut
ꨄ summary: spencers always had a crush on you but the way you show your intelligence does him in like nothing else.
"you're avoiding me." spencer's sitting on the edge of one of the queen beds in the crappy hotel room. he's watching as you come out of the bathroom, your bag in one hand and the other taking the hair tie out of your hair.
you glanced at him before walking to your side of the room, you set your bag down on the floor beside your bed. spencer calls your name as you climb into bed and turn your lamp off. you wanted to just close your eyes and go to sleep but you knew to think that would be happening, would be reaching.
"what, spencer? you've been giving me the cold shoulder so what else am i supposed to do?" you let out a breath of annoyance and turned to face him. you could've just turned over and ignored him for the rest of the night, not that you would have been able to get a good night's sleep with all the tension in the room.
"¡ have not been giving you the cold shoulder!" spencer's voice went up in pitch, a tell that he was lying, and he turned his head. you scoffed and got out of bed, walking to his side of the room and standing directly in front of him so he would look at you.
"you have. ever since i figured out that code at the station you've been giving me the cold shoulder. you're upset because, for once, you don't get to show everyone how smart you are?"
spencer's face was turning redder by the second, his eyes seemingly glued to the wall with no intention of looking at you. you stood there for a moment to see if he would say anything but when he didn't, you let out a scoff and turned away. his hand twitched on his leg, he couldn't figure out if he should grab your arm to stop you from walking away or just leave you alone.
before he had a chance to properly think his actions through, he was standing up and catching your arm in his hand. he gently pulled you back closer to him and, again, before he could properly think his actions through, he pressed his lips to yours. when he hadn't felt you start to kiss back, he quickly pulled back and let his arm drop back down to his side.
"i'm not- i wasn't upset at you, i was just-" he quickly stopped himself before he said too much. as he stared down at you, your eyes wide and lips parted, he wished he could just turn back time to before he kissed you and just have dropped the entire situation. of course, he couldn't. spencer took a step back and turned his back to you, his face flushed a shade of red with embarrassment. you weren't going to just drop the situation like he'd hoped.
"spencer?" taking a step forward, you placed your hand on his arm. your voice was gentle as you spoke to him, trying to show him that you weren't upset with him. its true that you weren't upset with him, you were just shocked and still trying to wrap your head around things. "spencer, look at me. please?"
you gave him a moment but when he still didn't look at you, you stepped around him and guided his face back towards you. spencer let out a shaky breath, his eyes meeting yours for the first time since he kissed you.
there was a moment of silence before you leaned up and pressed your lips to his, to show him that you weren't upset with him and just because you wanted to feel his lips on yours again. you ran your hands down his arms until you got to his wrist, you moved his hands to rest on your waist. the small movement brought a sudden wave of confidence over him.
spencer walked forward until your legs hit the edge or bed, he gently pushed you back onto the bed. he hovered over your body, his fingers skimming over your bare skin from where your shirt had risen up.
"y/n," your name fell from his lips in a soft manner, almost coming out as an inaudible whisper. you wrapped your arms around his neck and pushed your fingers through the short hairs at the nape of his neck. "do you want to do this?"
you wasted no time in telling him that you wanted him, even arching up into him to accentuate your words. spencer untangled your bodies and moved off of you, you sat up as he stood in front of the bed.
you tugged your shirt over your head just as he did. his hands fell down to tug at the strings that kept his pants secured to his waist but you quickly stopped him, looking up at him for permission to remove them yourself.
spencer shivered under your touch as you trailed your fingertips over the thin line of hair that disappeared into his pants. you wanted to memorize every part of his body, every mount and valley.
finally, you tugged at the strings of his pants until they loosened and fell down his legs. you bit back a whimper as you got a good look at his cock straining against his boxers, your fingertips brushed lower, feeling him think and hot through the cotton that hid him from your sight. a gasp fell from his parted lips as you flattened your palm over him, his hips pushing up into your hands.
"¡ want to take this slow," he breathed out, his voice wavering as you continued to palm him. your gaze was fixated on his bulge, fixated on how hard he was, how you could feel it twitching under your palm. "but i don't think i can."
"then we won't," you mumbled, finally tearing your eyes away from his cock and looking into his eyes. "we don't have to go slow this time, spence."
spencer reached down and hurriedly pushed his boxers down, sighing in relief at the feeling of no longer being restrained. you moved further up the bed until your head was rested against the pillows, spencer stepped out of his pants and boxers and crawled up onto the bed.
he hooked his fingers into the waistband of your panties and looked up at you for permission to take them off, which you granted almost immediately. he tossed them behind his head and pulled your legs up until they rested on his waist. leaning over your body, he captured your lips in a searing kiss.
spencer reached between your bodies and wrapped his hand around his cock, his hips rocked against your core, the tip sliding though your slit until he reached your entrance. he pulled back just for a moment to ask for permission again, which you granted, before placing a kiss on your collarbone and pressing into you.
in one slow, deep thrust, he filled you completely, knocking the air from your lungs. he paused for a moment to give you both some time to adjust to the new feeling of each other.
"oh god." you whimpered, your hands finding their way back into his hair and tugging on it as you got used to the feeling of being so full. spencer grunted as he gave an experimental thrust, his hips retreating and sliding back in with more force once he knew you were good.
eventually, he had gotten comfortable with being inside you, he'd gotten a pace set that both you and him enjoyed. spencer nuzzled his head in the crook of your neck as he rocked into you harder, the bed was starting to rock against the wall with the force of his thrust. luckily, the next pair from the team was a few more rooms down.
"need you." you whimpered, body arching up into him.
those two words washed away all remnants of control he had left. he panted against your burning skin, his hips snapping into yours harder than before as his cock started to pulsate. "say it again." he whined and reached between you to rub at your throbbing clit.
"¡ need you, spencer. please!" your cried in pleasure, your fingers had a death grip on his hair at this point. spencer's hips stuttered and his pace began to falter, he gasped against your skin as he started to cum. shockwaves shot through his body as he continued to thrust into your the best that he could, he pushed through the sensitivity of his cock to bring you to your release.
with his fingers toying with your clit and his cock pushing into you hitting all the right spots, you found your release not long after him. spencers hips slowed to a stop as did your orgasms, he pulled out with a whine and rolled over onto the bed beside you. you rolled over with him, placing yourself back in his arms.
no words were exchanged as you both laid there, suspended in time. pretty soon the beating of each other's hearts against your skin lulled you right to sleep.
#spencer reid#spencer reid smut#spencer reid x fem!reader#criminal minds#spencer reid x fem!reader smut#soft dom spencer reid#spencer reid x you#spencerreid smut#spencer reid fandom#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid fanfiction#criminal minds fic
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A Lady Made of Snow
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own The Hunger Games franchise, the images above, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, or any of the characters in this fic other than Bellova. I also do not condone the beliefs or actions of Coriolanus or Bellova.
SUMMARY: Bellova becomes Mrs. Snow.
⚠️Warnings⚠️: THIS IS A VERY DARK CHAPTER. It contains violence, verbal/physical abuse/domestic violence, mention of death and suicide, misogyny, Coriolanus being horrible, HEAVY ALLUSIONS TO SEX, NONCON, swearing
A/n: This was painful to write🥲
𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐌𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐬 𝐋𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫
No matter what she did, Bellova couldn’t stop the silent screams that echoed throughout her mind.
This was supposed to be the happiest day of her life.
She’d fantasized about it as a little girl, laying in her bed wide awake when she was supposed to be sleeping, thinking about a beautiful, luxurious wedding held in her honor. How she’d carefully pick her bridal party, and go dress shopping with them, and pick out a gorgeous white gown to walk down the aisle in. How she’d meticulously write out her passionate vows, and how she’d recite them to her future husband while the entire audience struggled to hold back tears of joy. Perhaps she would shed a tear or two, but her blinding smile would distract from that. After kissing her groom, a large reception filled to the brim with all of her favorite foods and drinks would be held. She’d have the first dance with her new husband, and then take the dance floor with her beloved father, who would undoubtedly be hesitant to give her away. But he would, because he loved her, and wanted her to be happy.
As she stared at her reflection in the full-length mirror of her dressing room, she knew that all of those dreams would never be fulfilled.
Half of them had already been crushed.
She had no bridal party. She didn’t get to choose her wedding dress. Her vows were generic and lacked any honesty. If she shed any tears while reciting them, they would be ones of despair. The kiss she shared with her husband would be for show, not because he really loved her. The reception and the first dance would be for the cameras and newspapers only.
And there would be no father-daughter dance.
Her husband-to-be had ensured that.
“You’re all set, miss,” the makeup artist said, setting down the brush that had been dusting powder across Bellova’s cheeks. “Do you feel comfortable in your gown? If you need anything adjusted, please let us know now. The ceremony will be quite long, and it will be less enjoyable if you are in any kind of pain.”
‘I am,’ the repressed voice inside of her wanted to scream. ‘I have been for almost a whole year.‘
Instead, she shook her head. “I’m fine, thank you. I require no adjustments.”
Bellova looked at her reflection once more, and an invisible string forced her lips to smile.
The white silk wedding dress was a custom design, made specifically for her and only her to wear. The neckline, which was an off-the-shoulder cut, was lined with faux white roses. They were itchy, and in Bellova’s opinion, they looked extremely tacky. They were beautiful, but she knew they were only there to remind her who she belonged to. The dress laced up in the back, giving her waist a “snatching” effect. If it was tightened just a centimeter more, she was sure it would crack her ribs.
Besides the roses, she hated the ridiculously large bow at the bottom of the corset laces the most. It looked far too girlish for a grown woman.
But she had no say in the making of the dress. And she knew by now that protesting would only make her miserable life worse.
Her mind was dragged through hell and back every moment she was awake. Most of the time, she was morphed into a completely new person. She felt like a puppet being controlled by the devil himself, doing and saying things against her will. She only came out of this trance-like state at night, when the curse Dr. Gaul had planted on her was lifted temporarily. She would unleash her rage as quickly and violently as she could, throwing things and screaming profanities. Her captor had to make her bedroom soundproof, because her piercing cries would alarm the staff of the Reginelle estate.
One night, Enolio had burst into her room after hearing a loud bang and a scream. Bellova had thrown a punch at her fiancé but missed, giving him an opportunity to lift her up and slam her to the ground.
The next morning, when she awoke, she was back under the influence of the serum. A small voice suppressed deep in her brain screamed for her to ask what had happened to the butler, but she couldn’t get the words out. It was as if an invisible gag was stuffed into her mouth.
She never saw Enolio again.
“Could you give me a moment alone, please?” Bellova said to the makeup artist. “I’ll make my way to my designated place in a moment so the ceremony can begin.” The woman nodded, and left the room promptly.
As soon as she was alone, the tears that had been threatening to spill over for the three hours it took to prepare for the wedding finally came. She sunk down to the floor, shaking like a leaf.
It took all of her mental strength to fight against the hypnotizing drugs that had infected her brain. They threatened to take away any ounce of autonomy she had over herself, and if she allowed that to happen, she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be able to regain it. It was if a thick fog had settled over her mind, and she had to constantly strain her eyes to see through it. If she let her guard down, she’d start believing she was truly the submissive girlfriend of the Snow heir.
She had to get out of here. By tying the knot, she’d be tying herself to him forever. That would mean that he won. That she had given up, and accepted her fate as his wife slave.
She longed to make a run for it, escaping the venue and heading for the Capitol border. But where would she go? She had nobody to seek shelter with. She wouldn’t make it far, anyway. Her dress was heavy and long, greatly restricting her ability to move. Peacekeepers or one of the guests would catch her before she got very far.
And after her fiancé got through with her, she’d be utterly, completely doomed.
She’d rather die by her own hand than his.
But suicide would mean that he had won. And she’d suffered for so long that she couldn’t bear to give him that.
No, she would live on. She would play along, for the sake of her own survival.
And when the perfect opportunity arose, she would strike. She would make him regret ruining her life and her future. She would laugh as he pleaded for mercy, and then bring him immeasurable pain.
But at the moment, she had a wedding to attend. Her wedding.
Bellova sighed, plastering a smile on her dolled-up face.
It was time for her to officially become Mrs. Coriolanus Snow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bellova’s head spun.
Her dress was feeling more like a straight jacket every minute. Her high heels were digging into her Achilles, and she was sure they had broken the skin. Between that and the never-ending turmoil inside of her mind, she felt like she was going to faint.
She gasped for air as subtly as she could, as not to alert the hundreds of guests attending the reception. She didn’t want to cause a fuss and pay the consequences in private.
After all, she knew that Coriolanus wouldn’t hesitated to “discipline” her. He’d made that very clear during the past several month.
Her husband was seated mere inches from her, sipping a glass of champagne. A silver ring glistened on his left hand. It had been custom made, and matched Bellova’s perfectly.
She looked down at her own wedding band. It was borderline obnoxious, but it was fitting for a family as pretentious as the Snows. Each of the stones was clear with a slight blue hue, and they were arranged to resemble a snowflake.
It was her another way for Coriolanus to declare her as his.
Bellova finished her glass of wine. It was her third of the night, and she was starting to feel extremely foggy. She knew it was not the smartest idea to become inebriated on her wedding night, but it helped ease the physical and mental pain.
She kept her mouth sealed, only speaking to guests who approached the newly wedded couple to congratulate them. Even then, she only said a few words, giving them a polite “thank you for coming”. She did her best to look elated.
Part of her conscience, which had been overtaken by that wretched serum, truly was happy. It tried to convince her that she’d just tied the knot with the love of her life.
But deep down, she was fuming.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Coriolanus glance at his watch. It was nearing midnight, and most of the guests were beginning to retire to their homes. Soon, it would be time for them to leave as well.
But they wouldn’t be going back to the Reginelle estate. No, they would be taking a limousine to District Four, where their honeymoon suite was waiting for them.
Bellova’s stomach churned unpleasantly. She knew all about what usually happened during the first night of married life.
She knew she couldn’t resist Coriolanus without being tortured or drugged again. He’d just inject her with her nightly dose of the serum, and then she’d have little to no control over herself.
Should she try to enjoy it? She’d be lying if she claimed she’d never fantasied about sleeping with Coriolanus before.
But this wasn’t how she’d imagine it would be. Not in the slightest.
In her daydreams during her Academy days, she had imagined it would take place once Coriolanus finally stopped bitching at her. He’d realize how perfect she was for him, and would beg her to be his girl. And when they were both ready, they’d take things to the most intimate level.
But Bellova was fully aware that Coriolanus didn’t love her. If he did decide to sleep with her, it wouldn’t be out of love. It would be yet another of his acts of dominance, to reassure him that he was in control.
Bellova looked down at her lap to avoid her husband’s gaze, her heart sinking deeper into her stomach by the second.
Though she couldn’t see it, she could feel Coriolanus give her a cold, cruel smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Bellova thought she was anxious before the wedding, she had no idea what to call her current state.
Coriolanus had a vice-like grip on her left hand, and there was no indication that he’d release her anytime soon. This had started as soon as their driver announced that their destination was only ten minutes away.
He hadn’t spoken a word to her since they’d gotten in the limousine. Bellova had been slightly offended hurt by this. Shouldn’t a husband be happy to be in his wife’s company?
‘Stop being stupid,’ the small voice whispered. ‘He doesn’t give a fuck about you, he’s not going to even pretend he cares while you’re in private.’
Bellova slumped against the back of the car seat. She was still dizzy from all of the alcohol she had consumed, but refused to fully let her guard down.
Coriolanus could wreak unspeakable terrors on her if she stopped resisting.
.
.
.
As soon as she was alone with Coriolanus were alone in their luxury oceanside suite, Bellova felt the serum start to wear off.
Coriolanus picked up both of their bags and headed towards the bedroom. Bellova followed suit, metaphorically dragging her feet. He was still ignoring her, which forced a small pout into her lips. She couldn’t help but feel disappointed that her beloved wasn’t paying her any attention.
The bedroom was lavish, but not nearly as nice as her own. The king-sized bed had white silk sheets, and the walls were decorated with oil paintings depicting ocean scenery. There was a large balcony overlooking the sea, which held two plush lounge chairs and a small glass table. Everything was so picturesque that it could’ve been straight out of a romance novel.
Alas, her life was anything but love story.
As soon as Coriolanus tossed his blazer in a hamper in the corner and began loosening his tie, Bellova felt her stomach constrict.
Was he actually going to fuck her?
Bile rose in her throat. She wasn’t a desperate little schoolgirl anymore, clinging to hopeless dreams. She was a victim, a victim of Coriolanus Snow’s unrelenting apathy.
No. She wouldn’t let him have his way with her.
The searing pain in her temples told her that she was now in full control of herself. She had to act before she was dragged back under again.
Bellova kicked off her designer heels, not caring in the slightest if they broke, and prepared herself for yet another grueling fight.
But before she could lunge at her enemy, Coriolanus’s head snapped towards her, making her freeze on the spot.
His shirt was already halfway unbuttoned. This didn’t phase her, she’d seen him naked several times before, but purposefully chose to forget those moments.
It was the hungry gaze in his eyes that made her blood turn to ice.
“You’re really going to do this now?”
The nonchalance in his tone made Bellova want to scream.
“What are you talking about?”
“Are you going to fight like a rabid animal during the first night of our honeymoon?”
Bellova sneered at him. “A broken nose would match perfectly with your crimson tie, if I do say so myself.”
Coriolanus laughed humorlessly. “Hilarious. Now get undressed.”
Bellova’s fists clenched instinctively. If it wasn’t for the fact that he had a stash of syringes full of that dreaded in his briefcase, she would have decked him in the jaw.
“No.”
Coriolanus rolled his pretty eyes, stepping towards her. She backed away, but her spine quickly hit the wall of the room. “We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Mrs. Snow. Though it’s not like you have much of a say, anyhow.”
The way Coriolanus had spat out her new title made her flinch. It sounded so wrong, being called Mrs. Snow instead of Miss Reginelle.
“I don’t want you, and you don’t want me. Therefore, we don’t need to do anything tonight. It’s simple, really.”
“Don’t talk to me like I’m fucking stupid,” Coriolanus barked. “If we don’t sleep together, people will talk. It’ll look bad for both of us. The press will say-“
“That’s all you care about these days,” Bellova said harshly. “And you’re assuming that the press will somehow know whether or not we fuck.”
The paranoia was evident in Coriolanus’s eyes. Clearly, this was a very important matter to him. Not because he actually wanted her, but because his shining reputation could be tarnished with rumors concerning their bedroom life.
“If you stop being a bitch for once, maybe I’ll let you stay off of the serum while we’re in bed, and I’ll consider making this enjoyable for you.”
Bellova rolled her eyes. He sounded like such an asshole, it was a wonder how he didn’t realize it. Or perhaps he did, and just didn’t care.
“What will it be?” Coriolanus asked sharply. “I’m not going to stand around waiting for much longer.”
An eerie silence filled the bedroom as Bellova weighed her options. She could attack him and do as much damage as possible before he drugged her. Or she could give in just for one night, and give herself a break.
She swallowed, and steeled her nerves. She knew exactly what she was going to do.
“Fuck this,” Coriolanus growled. His hand shot to her throat, squeezing so hard that Bellova could already feel the bruises forming. The familiar coldness of a needle poked at the skin on her neck, making her shudder wildly.
She hated it, but she was afraid.
“Please…” she croaked, clawing desperately at his arms. “Don’t do this…not again.”
A horrid scream escaped from her lips as Coriolanus inserted the syringe. She collapsed almost immediately, her face quickly becoming slick with salty tears.
Coriolanus carelessly lifted her up by the arms and tossed her on the bed. Devoid of any passion or desire, he flipped her onto her stomach and started unlacing the corset of her reception gown.
There was no gentleness in his touch.
There was only possessiveness and pure madness.
Bellova squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the pillow beneath her face becoming damp. The more skin Coriolanus revealed, the more disgusting she felt.
As much as she wanted to kick, scream, cry, anything to get away from him, she knew it was useless. The serum was already consuming her, swallowing her true self whole.
By the time he finally got her dress off, she was completely gone.
.
.
.
Coriolanus sucked in a breath, his fingertips ghosting over his bride’s bare thigh. She was already asleep, her body exhausted from everything that had happened throughout the day.
In their later Academy days, Coriolanus had briefly wondered about what Bellova was like in bed. There were quite a lot of rumors that circled around her regarding her sex life, but he knew most of them were fictitious. However, he knew she was no virgin. Bellova had admitted that at her seventeenth birthday party.
However, technically, he had been virgin. He didn’t count what had happened in the alley behind the train station years ago.
Coriolanus stared up at the ceiling, replaying the lustful activities he’d just partaken in in his mind.
It had felt…nice, he supposed. Bellova was pliant and sweet while he was on top of her, thanks to the serum. She had constantly begged for more, and initiated several kisses. He found the pleading quite annoying, and elected to ignore it. Still, she seemed to enjoy herself. He did as well, but found the power he could exert much more thrilling than any physical pleasure.
Coriolanus pulled Bellova’s sleeping form closer to him. He shuddered at the contact of her bare body pressed against his. She stirred slightly, but didn’t wake. She sighed contentedly, and fell limp again.
Coriolanus smiled.
He would ensure that this was part of their nightly routine.
And if Bellova didn’t like it?
Too fucking bad.
✧ ‧˚₊ ❆ ‧ ₊ ⊹˚✧ ‧˚₊ ❆ ‧ ₊ ⊹˚✧ ‧˚₊ ❆ ‧ ₊ ⊹˚✧ ‧˚₊ ❆ ‧ ₊ ⊹˚✧ ‧˚₊❆ ‧
TAGLIST: @daenerysqueenofhearts, @squidscottjeans, @euphemiaamillais, @gracieroxzy, @effectwalker, @vxnilla-hxrddrugs, @mystargirl-interlude
Author’s Note: Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think in the comments! This chapter was truly heartbreaking to write. The next chapters won’t be this depressing, I promise. The next chapter will skip ahead to when Coriolanus is an office Gamemaker.
Also, let me know if you want to be added to the tag list! (I had to add some of y’all to a comment instead becuz tumblr won’t let me tag more people for some reason☹️)
#coriolanus snow#the ballad of songbirds and snakes#tbosas#coriolanus snow x oc#the hunger games#coriolanus snow x reader#original character#thg prequel#dark!coriolanus snow#suzanne collins
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all the things I shouldn't.
| W.M -> N.R
Undeserving of a Love Like Yours, Chapter 9
Chapter Warnings: sleeping problems, this chapter somehow contains going to sleep three times in detail and R raving over sea animals (aka me writing and raving about sea animals) half not proofread
Summary: After dealing with the appearance of a memory you once thought had been long gone once ago, you get a message from the redhead, asking to go out once more.
Series Summary: When you're stuck in a complete hole of confusion and hurt with the one you thought you loved most, a certain redhead finds her way into your life.
Word Count: 6.3k
Category: Fluff! (teensy hurt/comfort)
A/N: I feel like I'm making these way too long? but the chapter would feel like it has holes without it having the small little details so :') just tuck yourself in cozily and enjoy<3
Series Playlist
| Started on 13/04/2024, 1:39 PM |
| Finished on 29/04/2024, 12:26 AM |
Masterlist | Series Masterlist | N.R Masterlist
<- Chapter 8
"take the risk. who knows what lies ahead of your path?"
|——————————— ⴵ ———————————|
-- a week later...
The bedroom was bright from the open windows, air flowing in naturally through the space. It was quiet, other than from the distant gentle snoring of Kate sleeping in the living room, your door being mindlessly open.
You were not in bed, but reorganizing your closet, having gotten home from the mall with Kate and some new clothes. The gentle fabric of each shirt brushed against your skin with your touch.
There were music playing in your ears, making you nod your head slightly to the beat and hum, making sure not to sing too loud or something so you wouldn't wake up the sleeping archer.
You were about to finish up, but a box in the corner of your vision catches your eye. Just above all the clothes.
It had been sitting there for days, yet you somehow hadn't noticed until now. It was brought with you when you arrived, but you didn't put much thought to it, thinking it was just your old belongings.
Upon closer inspection with a step forward, you knew it wasn't the box you were supposed to grab. You push open the closet door further, then push yourself on your tip-toes to reach it. With the pull of your fingers, it soon goes into your hold.
The top was slightly dusty, so you brush it off with your hand, about to open it, but then taking a pause to sneeze. Your face contorts into a slight grimace as your eyes trail up, tilting your head so you can peek to see if Kate woke up.
The only movement visible was Lucky shifting slightly in his own sleep, while Kate had her arm hanging off the side of the couch, Lucky's fur just tickling her hand. She was still asleep.
With a soft sigh of relief, you look back down on the box. There was nothing written down on it anywhere, so it only made your curiosity grow.
You walk to your bed, opting to place it on there. It made sounds of clunking and was just a teensy bit heavy. When your fingertips gently grasp the lid, you hesitate, but go in for the dive anyway.
Once it was opened, your eyes widen slightly, and it confirmed your suspicions of it not being yours. Or...half yours. Inside, held stacks of custom CDs, writing, and paper on the cases and within them. Some, not even having anything but a case.
Your heart raced as you read some of the writing, but you try your best to ignore it. Beside all the CDs sat an old portable player, one that was yours. Technically you didn't get the wrong box, but you were supposed to only grab the cd player.
A flicker of your eyes makes you stare at the discs once more. It was nearly getting to your nerves with how much she was following you around. But...something about it only wanted you to linger.
You shouldn't play one.
Yet, you couldn't help but grab one of the cases and open it. The writing was on the disc for this one. Blue marker on the front with a smiley face. It wrote, 'Roadtrips!' and your initial with Wanda. The disc had rainbow rays, reflecting back light from whichever way you angled it.
The lid of the player opens with a bit of fiddling, and you insert the CD. With the earphones plugged in and placed in your ear, you click play.
...Nothing.
You check the player, flipping it and clicking play again.
Ah, the batteries. Too bad, you should just turn around now by putting it back and never touch the box again. Yes? No, instead your eyes catch exactly two batteries, hiding between the cds and the wall of the box.
The world was tempting and teasing you, its almost making you crazy. Your hand reaches in and grabbed them to then place them into the battery compartment.
A breath goes out from your lips, your fingertip atop the button before you press on it. The white noise and the sound of the disc moving quietly sounded out.
As the starting melody played, it was like a knife first poked at your chest, then utterly, slowly, goes in to stab your heart.
This one, you would sing at the top of your lungs with her while you were in the car, going anywhere in the world. Just you, and her, and nothing else mattered. God, you missed those moments.
Your fingertips traced the others, moving them with a few noises as it hit against one another. The others, baking...dancing, some albums...and just playlists of songs you both loved, mixed together. What were you doing?
Quickly, you pull out your earphones, making it fall down to the bed. The music was now distant, quiet. But realizing you could still even hear it, you pause it.
A breath you didn't even know you were holding left your lungs. You shouldn't have done that. When you heard some sounds from the living room, you try to be fast with putting everything back in the box except for the player.
But the movement was only Lucky, your eyes watching him pad off to his bowls in the view of the doorway.
Your eyes falter of any panic and your shoulders relax as you went to store the box of memories back in the closet.
A few steps took you to your door, leaning yourself against the frame to peek and see if Kate was still sleeping. She was indeed. You supposed she had gotten tired, either from laughing, joking and simply having fun, or she was exhausted from doing her archery practices and going out with you.
Nonetheless, you check the time, having noticed the windows showing the sky going into a gradient, and the clouds evaporating.
It was 7:15 PM. You nibbled on your lip as you thought it over. You'll deal with everything else later. The task of organizing of your closet was finished anyway.
You close the bedroom door with a gentle shut, turning back around to face your room and go fall into the comfort of your bed.
As time went by, a yawn from you passes with it, and you switched your position all you could, picking up a book, or even tried to focus on your phone, but then you give up on everything and just decided to simply lay against the soft mattress.
Soon enough, your eyes grow heavy, and your vision grew darker. The daylight was also starting to fade away, and it added further to the luring sleepiness. Your fingers curled up and you closed your eyes, slowly falling into deep sleep.
As you were unaware, the sleep that was expected to be a few minutes of a nap, turns to hours, and you didn't even get to see the moon for the day.
Sometime later, you open your eyes in a half-awake state, noticing it was still daytime. Well, to you. It was actually now morning rather than afternoon as you checked your phone. A sigh leaves you.
Your eyes linger on your closed bedroom door. You only curled up further. You don't want to get up yet.
No one had texted, called, or gone in your room, so what's the point? Your tired eyes close once more as your breathing stayed soft, slowly going back to sleep while the house was quiet.
The hand of the clock moves slowly, yet the hours went like nothing as your mind rested.
"Y/N. Hey, you have to wake up." A gentle voice said next to you as you felt a shake on your shoulder. You groan, getting your peaceful time disturbed.
Kate watched as your splayed out arms moved as you shifted yourself to see her for a split second, your eyes barely open.
"What time is it...?" You murmured, the words barely even making sense to Kate, but to you it did.
"What?" She asked softly, confusion obvious in her voice while you yawned, turning to rest your cheek on the bed. She notices the sleepiness in your eyes when your face appears in her view.
"What time...is it?" You repeated slowly, trying to be clearer and raise your volume just a tad more. Your eyelids fell back to a close, too. Kate raises her eyebrows, crossing her arms as her concern grows.
"Its eleven. Come on, wake up, shower." She gestured with her hands, but you couldn't even see her. You made a sound that only convinced Kate it was going to take her more than that to get you to wake up or even get out of bed.
When she waited for a few seconds and you didn't answer or move, she offers with something that could hold more interest. "I'll make some waffles for you. You want some?"
Still, quietness came from you. You've gone back to sleep.
Gently, Kate reaches out and places her hand on your shoulder once more. "Hey." She swipes her thumb in a gentle motion, not wanting you to get mad at her for bothering you or something.
She then sighed softly.
Kate's eyes roam around the room, trying to see what could have possibly made you like this, but found nothing. Maybe you really were just tired. But the afternoon time staring back at her on your clock told her the chance of it being the latter, was starting to go down.
"If you don't get up, you're gonna lose the chance to have some tasty waffles." She says melodically as she leaned one hand on your bed. Her constant talking and gentle movements had you rousing from your sleep, and with the smallest step forward of getting you up, her concerns went lighter, but it was still there.
"...Did you get more messages?" She asked, her tone more serious now. You had a feeling if you didn't answer this time, she might just drag you all the way to the kitchen.
Kate knew about the countless messages from the brunette you once knew. The many times she's said to just block the contact were millions, but you didn't have it in you to lose the connection completely.
You roll over to lay on your back, your arms above your head as you blinked slowly, taking in a breath to come up with a reply. She waited patiently, although her eyebrows were furrowed.
"No, it's..." You trail off quietly with a sigh, your voice groggy from the morning. Kate pauses her thumb's movemensts on your shoulder, and you look at her more properly.
"I don't wanna get up." You go for a half lie. Kate thinks it over. Technically, if she needed to, she could bring a plate to you as you sat in bed, but that would only encourage you to stay in bed further on.
She also didn't want to force anything out of you, so she treaded carefully, but it didn't stop her from her determination to at least pull you out of this thing you entrapped yourself in. Even if its only been a few hours.
"Well, you're gonna have to. Unless you want me to carry you to sit at the dining table." She said plainly, but you didn't budge. The thought to even move slightly felt like a work on your energy.
Kate then slowly took steps backwards, getting farther away from you, and instead closer to the door. "Okay, I'm gonna have waffles without you! The sweet, soft, and crunchy ones that basically melt in your mouth!" She said, slowly turning around.
You shouldn't stay in bed.
And you decided you wouldn't.
"No, wait!" Your voice finally comes out slightly higher in volume than the barely audible one, but with a soft tone.
Kate turns around and raises an eyebrow, a smile playing on her lips. You, on the other hand, pouted.
"...Don't finish without me." You whispered now, and Kate just about heard it, but it still had her smile widening. Her eyes watch you deflate on the bed before you push yourself up with your hands and slowly getting out of bed.
She walks to the kitchen with you following behind her, your fatigue visible within your movements. You hear Lucky's collar clinking gently that came with the brush of his body spinning around your legs.
Kate already had the meals ready, her hands only holding the drinks to place on the dining table. Your hand met Lucky's head for a moment before you join Kate at the table, looking to see what she had.
The plates held waffles with some fruits on the side. At the mere sight, your stomach was already grumbling.
You took your seat, getting comfortable. The plastic chair didn't help much with the ache in your body from sleeping in bed for too long, but the atmosphere of how the sunlight was gently going through the windows while the birds outside made shadows put up a peaceful feeling.
"Here," she hands you a fork, and you took it, about to dig in your meal, but your eyes brightened when you realize she had gotten another fork than only keeping a single one at her apartment, your head turning to look at her.
"Yeah, I got another fork, all your problems are solved now, I know." She said playfully, lightly nudging your shoulder. You giggle, starting on your waffle.
The breakfast-- Or brunch, as it was afternoon, goes smoothly with comforting quietness. You were finishing the last bite of your toast as you had your cheek rested on your other hand, your elbow on the table.
Kate turns off her phone, setting it aside to put her focus on you. She leaned closer to the dining table, looking at you closely.
"Are you sure you've been okay?" She asked gently, scraping the last of her waffle and putting it in her mouth, pulling you out of your spaced out state.
You nod, taking in a breath before responding. "Yeah, it's just a lot on my mind." The words came out like a breath, your eyes fixed on the table as you think it over.
"Well, it won't hurt to share. Come on." She folds her arms, pushing her empty plate forward gently as she waited for you to continue.
The crows ledged on another building within the view of the window cawed, and you stared at it, trying to come up with words while you did so.
"I...met someone," you said quietly, your eyes slowly meeting hers. You decided to give her the more positive news first, not wanting to mention the CDs you found just yet. Kate raises an eyebrow, curious as to it being someone new, or someone the two of you knew.
"Who?" She asked, eager due to your face lightly coming with a reddish tint. If she didn't focus much on your face for the sake of the conversation, she would've thought it was the sunlight.
"She was the person I bumped into when I was on a walk with Lucky...and at the airport," you said slowly and quietly, analyzing the look on Kate's face to then flick your gaze away. She stayed silent as she listened on to you, her mind searching for anything especially significant.
"Her name is Nat. She's...nice..." You shrugged, trying to play it cool as Kate slowly smiled. If you didn't look away, you might've thought to have to comment she looked like the cheshire cat from alice in the wonderland.
Not wanting to share much more with her, knowing she might get too excited, you only said, "And she's cool." You then purse your lips, your eyes going down to your plate.
"Cool? Just cool?" A smug grin replaced the smile growing on her face, but she didn't push further, already satisfied that you were still somewhat open to other people.
"Well, if that's all you're going to say, okay, but I need to know more later." She tilted her head, playing around with her fork and pushing the bit of syrup on her plate.
You nibble on your lips, thinking if you should give her the information you found out earlier, but you also wouldn't want to see it every times you opened the closet.
"I also found a box from Wanda's house I accidentally brought," you started, nearly not wanting to say it as Kate's eyes flickered to you, her form perking up slightly to sit properly. Your eyes flashed a moment of pain at the mention of her name, but it faded away.
"A box?" Her face scrunches up in confusion, trying to remember the day she helped you grab your things out from the car. There was a single box she remembered picking up, but she was unsure if it was the one you were talking about.
She inhales gently, and when you didn't continue, she asked. "What'd it have?" Her face held concern, preparing herself for whatever could be coming next.
"CDs. They're custom...I don't know what to do with them." You let out a gently, and quiet sigh. That mostly explains why you've been in bed for so long. Kate placed her fork back down, looking at you.
"Well, if you don't want them, we can sell them." She suggested with a gesture of her hand, trying to help you get rid of them.
"Or, if they have good songs, give some to me." She said plainly with a shrug, a small smile on her face. You laugh softly, and she thanked everything that you were at least somewhat fine...for now.
"Yeah, it's a good idea. And...I don't know about you holding my ex's old CDs." You narrowed your eyes, to which Kate's eyes widens.
"I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to!" She shook her head and moved her hands back and forth, adding to her expression, and you only giggled.
"I'm kidding, you can have some, but just don't play it in front of me." Kate's face and posture relaxes, and a smile wasbon your face as you pushed your chair back and grabbed your plate, going to the kitchen to place it in the sink.
She followed behind you, doing the dishes with you. The rest of the day went by peacefully, laughs shared as the two of you taught Lucky some new tricks.
You've also put up the CDs in a store somewhere with Kate's help, some of them lended to her when she found some of her favorites.
Then days, weeks, turn into months later, filled with small teary nights, movie nights with ice cream, meetups with...the redhead here and there, and your world slowly brightening.
As of late, your mind couldn't help but drift back to the redhead, the memories shared with her that was somehow growing rather than stopping at all.
In a cafe, the two of you sat, enjoying each other's company as the smell of coffee and baked sweets filled the air. You can see her glancing over every now and then, taking in the sight of your profile.
Oftentimes you would end up accidentally looking into her eyes a little too long within the car, and the both of you catch it, but you never took it too far than that, or even perceived it as actual feelings.
At the beach, a lake. She had the same color of eyes as her, her eyes luminescent from the glowing sun. But hers...hers are different. They hold a greener look with a tinge more brown at the iris, and oh, so soft.
The night was quiet other than the tapping of the water somewhere in the bathroom and the humming of the AC. You didn't feel a sense of sleepiness. Really, you just wanted to stare at the darkness.
The comforter around you kept you warm, and the position you were in was as comfortable as you could get. You tried putting your hand out to the edge of the bed, letting it rest hung over the side...you probably shouldn't do that.
As you realize you were too close to the edge, you exhaled slowly and pulled your hand closer to your body once more, moving yourself to the middle of the bed.
Your eyes stare at your phone, the screen facing down.
You shouldn't.
But you picked it up anyway.
Your fingers found the messages to Nat, your eyes seeing the old messages as you searched your thoughts for some words.
Are you still up?
You sent the message with a bite on your lower lip, leaving a mark. Thinking you shouldn't have sent a message so late in the night, you gripped your phone tighter and decide to leave it on the bedside table, nearly regretting disturbing her.
But then your phone lights up on the nightstand beside you, and your eyes widen in surprise, quickly going to grab it.
Yeah. Why?
I can't sleep, and I'm bored :(
Well, I have good news for you.
good news?
Are you free tomorrow?
I think so
Do you wanna go to an aquarium with me? :)
Your eyes blinked at the screen for a moment, trying to make sense if your sleepiness invaded your brain and you imagined it or if it was actually real.
Then, after a few seconds of registering it and deciding, you quickly type your response, a smile on your face.
YES?!?
Now, go to sleep.
okay, okay
you too.
Now, you almost couldn't sleep at all, your last drops of energy fueled by the excitement for tomorrow.
But it soon dies down, and with no warning as you close your eyes once more, you fell asleep easily. The room was quiet, and if you were still conscious, you'd notice it would only be white noise and your gentle breathing.
You slept peacefully, Kate doing the same in the other room with Lucky. The room grew in coldness with the night, causing you to curl within your sleep. Slowly, the moon fades away and the sun starts to rise.
The stir of your body and waking up was fatigued and hazy, a big yawn coming from you as you rolled on your back. You stared at the ceiling for a moment before your eyes widen with a realization dawning on you, the memory of last night reminding you of the aquarium.
You jump slightly to a sitting position, and then regret it at the fast pace, making you dizzy. You absolutely did not let the blood in your brain flow back naturally.
After gently shaking off the daze and letting it fade away with a couple of blinks, you sit for a few seconds before now slowly moving to get out of bed.
You followed your morning routine, showering and everything, but this time with excitement filled in your veins. You forgot you even struggled to sleep last night. Some messages were exchanged with the redhead for the plan of how you'll get to the aquarium, and you agreed on her picking you up.
Kate was already out the house, having told you the day before that she was visiting a friend and possibly even doing a sleepover. She did invite you, but you weren't interested.
As you start to put on your shoes, your phone dings, and your hand goes to grab it, turning it over so the screen was visible. The notification shows a message from Nat.
Hey, I'm in front of the apartment.
Your eyes widen and you finish up quickly, standing up to open the door. The light outside hits you, making your eyes squint, but it spots the black car pulled up near the side of the road when you went out the apartment.
You wave at her, and the corner of her lip raises up as she rolls the window down, sliding her sunglasses down to look at you more clearer.
"You ready to go?" She nodded towards you and you mirror her movement, being more than ready to go to the aquarium.
Nat's eyes look over your appearance for a moment. She was about to close the window but then remembered to ask, "And you got everything?" Her head turned to look at you more.
"Yup." You nodded once more as you went to round the car from the front and sit in the passenger seat. She had closed the window back up now, glancing at you to make sure you had your seatbelt on.
"Seatbelt," she murmured, putting the car in drive. You smiled and grabbed the seatbelt, clicking it in for your safety.
Her eyes focus back on the road once she saw you safe and comfortable in the seat, her hands firmly on the steering wheel as she made her way through traffic and turns on the road to get to the destination.
The drive was quiet, filled with gentle music. You can see the sunlight casting the warmest glow over everything in the car, including her striking orange hair that honestly only seemed soft now.
When you arrived, she opened the door for you right as your fingertips barely even brushed against the car door handle.
Getting in was easy, the line not being awfully long seeing as it's not their busiest day of the week. They gave free packets of yogurts to each ticket holder, but you already had yours open, while Nat was saving it for later.
Her hand held a camera, and you noticed it in the corner of your vision, your lips tugging up as you realize she was reviving the old hobby she had. She took pictures and videos of the sea animals, while also sneaking in some memories of you.
You start walking through the big spaces. In the corner of the room, held a big map of the entire aquarium, from sea animals that live in the colder regions, a shark zone, the exotic section, and the small fishes.
There was an ongoing show of the otters, the staff member in the enclosure feeding them fishes and having them do tricks as they excitedly move to snatch their food or swim in the water.
They talk about facts of the otters through the segment, making many other kids and people in the room beside the two of you captured in the moment.
After that was done, you were headed to the more colder region first, seals sitting on the right side while on the left held bunches of adorable penguins.
Nat smiled gently at you, her eyes all focused on your beaming face instead of the penguins.
"Nat, look!" You gently shook her shoulders, making her turn her attention to the penguins more properly, her eyes watching as they jumped and swam, while others waddled.
"Yeah, they're adorable." Just like you. That's what she wanted to say. Just like you, the penguins were adorable. But she only chuckled softly as you gently leaned into her from the side.
The footsteps and sounds of talking echoed through each hall and room with the gentle sound of some water going down a made up waterfall.
You gasped as you saw the sharks, swimming around gracefully. They were swift with their tails moving back and forth gently.
Black tip reef sharks, nurse sharks, lemon sharks...it held most of the more known ones, but nonetheless, you were more than happy to see them.
Nat kept you close, maybe even a little protectively as you both looked through the shark zone, watching as some of them circle around in their tanks until you make it to the end of the area.
"Whoa..." You slowly walked over to the stingrays, where you can watch them from above. At least, the small baby stingrays. The bigger ones were on the sides, accompanied with some turtles.
Nat was also admiring them, seeing how the stingrays moved across the floor and slid on the rocks. Some were even camouflaged within the sand, while others hid within plantation.
You were now in the more exotic section, and Nat had to hold back a laugh when she sees you getting scared at the sight of a huge japanese crab, although she was smiling, she also would not want it near her either.
The neon lights inquired with each animal of their color, the jellyfish being a pinkish purple as it majestically floated around in the dim lighting. It was aglowed, within a circle tank.
Sometime in the big trip of exploring the aquarium, you and Nat went to the diner that was marked on the map, grabbing something to eat and drink so you wouldn't get tired.
Afterwards, your journey continues, and Nat had to change her camera's battery to her backup one, thankfully having remembered to bring it.
You were seeing the smaller tanks now, seahorses, baby crabs, shrimps and starfishes on the entire wall. Each held their names and types, giving facts of what exactly they are.
"That one looks like you." You point at a orange starfish, sitting on the rocks. It nearly seemed like it was hiding. She was expecting a cool looking fish or a shrimp, but when she follows where you were looking and your pointed finger, she gasped and lightly slapped your shoulder.
"No, it does not!" She exclaims, staring at you. You giggled, finding her reaction to be amusing.
"The hair, come on." You gestured towards the orange starfish then to her, your eyebrows raising in question for her agreement, while hers raised in a challenge.
"Just 'cause it's orange?" Her voice was nearly more higher pitched, but her face was scrunched up in utter disbelief.
The moment passes by lightly with a few more laughs and distractions of the other fishes showing off their unique colors.
You pass by some eels too, octopuses, and a giant gar that shocked you. You followed it while its long body swam forward, and Nat shook her head gently.
Soon enough, you reach to the end of the aquarium, the end of the journey a little bit saddening, but the amount of things the place held was satisfying. Nat had just the right amount of batteries for the entire trip, too.
There was a souvenir shop at the end, as always. Within it had keychains, plushies, and some snacks available to take home. You had to run your finger through some of the plushies. They seemed to fluffy and soft not to touch.
Nat had bought you a keychain of a mini plush orca, and your heart melted at her memory of remembering your first proper meetup.
Outside, the sky was orange, the clouds dissolving as the both of you made your way back to her car. You had really been in there for that long?
Nat gets in the car with you, setting her camera safely in the center console. Your eyes follow her movement, and you went to reach for it.
"No," she gently pushes your hand away while at the same time, wearing her seatbelt, and you pull your hand back to your body with a pout.
"You'll be able to go through it later." Her lips ghosted the smallest hint of a smile, and you tilt your head in curiosity, but you didn't question it as she started driving. Maybe her battery had died entirely? But you had seen her turn it off earlier with some energy still left.
After minutes upon minutes of staring out the window, watching the skies fade deeper into darkness, the car soon arrives to Kate's apartment once more.
You stood in front of the door as Nat waited for you, making sure your surroundings were safe so she knew you went inside intact.
"Ah..." You sighed gently as you look through your pockets, trying to find the house keys. Nat curiously looked to you, her expression growing with concern.
"I...forgot to bring my keys." The words were said quietly as you turned back to her. She had made sure you had everything before the two of you went too, but none of her face had any judgement.
"You don't hide a spare one anywhere?" She asked gently, looking towards the carpet in front of the door or any other places that could have the key. You purse your lips, putting your hands in the pockets.
"My keys are the spare keys." Your shoulders go down in defeat, now your mind definitely remembering how empty your pockets felt aside from your phone.
Nat paused and stepped back in front of you, her quietness being in thought while her eyebrows furrowed.
"Well...isn't Kate home?" She knew it was a low chance with how you had not reached for your phone at all, and the apartment being dark.
"No, she's at a friend's..." You shook your head, biting your bottom lip gently as you stared off at her car with the engine on behind her.
"...Do you want to hang out at my place until we can grab the keys or when she comes back?" She asks nearly hesitantly, yet in very high hopes that you'll accept, especially not wanting you to be alone or anything.
"Uh...well, I mean..." You stutter slightly for a moment, your eyes meeting hers as you thought over. A gentle cold breeze flowed against your body from the night air, causing you to shiver.
Then, you took a breath in, "I don't really have any other choice, so, if it's okay with you, yeah." Nat's eyes soften and she nods, turning to her car once more, making sure you were following behind her.
The car doors close with a gentle shut, and you settle down in the seat once more, getting comfortable as you didn't know where or how far her place was.
She turns down the AC, having noticed your shivers, and also turned up the gentle music so it wasn't entirely silent.
Your eyes grew heavy though anyway as you rested your head against the backrest, and the streetlights that passed by was starting to blur and fade into what was bothering, to now something that lured you to sleep.
The red light makes her stop the car for a moment. When she looked over to you, her eyebrows raise, but she wasn't surprised.
She gazed at your sleeping form, her eyes trailing over every feature your face held. The red light and the streetlights even added on to your face.
She shouldn't stare. Especially not when you were asleep. What if you had woken up? When the light turns green, she continues driving, shifting in her seat slightly to gather herself together.
It wasn't actually much of a long drive, only 20 minutes or so until she arrived to her place. Nat unclicks her seatbelt and took a deep breath, looking over to you once more.
She doesn't want to pick you up or anything, knowing all too well it might just be too out of your comfort zone together. Instead, she goes to reach her hand out and gently shake your shoulder.
"Hey," she whispered softly, making you slowly stir in your sleep before waking up, a small noise coming from you. You look at her in a haze of sleep, and she smiled softly.
"We're here," she unclicks your seatbelt for you before turning down the music so it didn't bother you, but being patient for your response.
"Sorry I fell asleep." You whispered, your voice quiet and husky from your rest. She shook her head, dismissing your apology as she turns off the car.
"It's fine. You were tired." She said gently with a reassuring look before opening her car door and going out to get your door for you.
When she did, she also helped you out, not wanting you to trip or anything within your sleepiness. With you out, the car door closes.
You yawned softly and closed it with your hand while Nat grabbed her keys out from her pockets.
The lamppost's light illuminated your faces, the streetsign just barely even showing 'Sixth Avenue'.
"You know, you do really look like that starfish." You said quietly, blinking away sleep as you took in the streets of her place, to then your eyes landing back to her.
"Nope." She said softly with a gentle pop of her lips and a shake of her head, going through her keys to find the one for her apartment.
"Mmhm." You hummed and nodded, urging her to agree whilst you took some steps and leaned forward. She leaned back slightly, but paused her movements.
Her hand then falls, the keys falling back all over on the keyring but still between her fingers. She turns to you, her eyes searching your face.
She takes a deep breath, "Well, I think we can both agree on one thing." She said in a whisper, but even if she spoke in a low volume, the quiet area had your voices being audible. Even the noise of the gentle wind or a loose poster hitting something being hearable.
Your eyebrows raise in question for her to continue. You stood up more properly with your brain fully waking up, but now you saw how close you were.
"That our eyes see the same thing." She said, taking a step forward. Your breaths could be seen from the cold air, and you felt her warmth, making your cheeks flush just slightly.
"...And that is?" your words were quiet under your breath, almost not even audible as you gazed at her with your heartrate going fast as if you were in a high speed chase.
Her eyebrows furrow as she searches a word in her mind for an answer to the feelings swirling in her. She found a simple, obvious one, but pushed the word away.
She decides on "...Something," As her lips were just a whisper away from yours. You shouldn't lean in closer...it was too soon. But why shouldn't you anyway?
end of chapter 9. <3
Series Masterlist <- Chapter 8
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[BAD DECISION #10] Blonde
warnings: b is in her bleach era. love that for her!! jaykay is in the chapter for like 1.5 seconds and still manages to be the best thing about it. also if u think wow holly sometimes your chapters end very similarly, uhhh yes. ur right. mainly because my brain is smooth but also because jungkook is a creature of habit! it’s within his character traits! not because im stupid! even if i am!
soundtrack: space - audrey nuna; blonde - maisie peters
wc: 3.5k
bd total wc: 540k (on-going)
minors dni | AO3 | series masterlist
You suppose you really shouldn't be surprised when Seokjin leaves you on read. It happens as soon as he escapes the city, just like it always does.
It's always the same; he'll come back to town for a few days - to visit friends, his family, or maybe for a haircut with the only barber he trusts - then leaves just as quickly as he comes.
The predictability of it all would be funny, you think, but your knees are getting worn out from how many times you fall for it; his charm, his deception, his pretty lips that soothe the burn of his selfish choices.
He'll be radio silent for a while, and then suddenly, as if he's finally changed the batteries in his walkie-talkie, he won't be. It'll most likely be when he's on his way back to town in a few months time.
The saddest part is that you know you'll want to see him when he does. Will have the burning desire to show him just how well you've been; how well you've coped without him.
Most of all? You'll want him to know just how much you don't need him.
Inevitably, he'll end up in your bed, and you'll end up all in your head - again - overthinking and underestimating just how easy it is for him to drop you. Forgetting just how badly he fucked you up, only for him to remind you in the most callous of ways.
When Danbi comes home on Thursday night - three days since Seokjin's last message - she knows exactly what's happened. You've got a special kind of pout reserved for Seokjin-related upsets. It's always a little soft yet incredibly hard to break.
"You gotta stop letting him in," she says over a glass of red. She hates the taste, but loves the soft buzz in the pit of her stomach. Though she's much better suited to Moscato, Danbi will never turn her nose up at free wine.
If she knew why you were drinking it, she might consider rejecting it.
Seokjin's favourite. You'd bought it on the way home from work. Just couldn't help yourself.
Had figured that at least when you hugged yourself to sleep that evening, your lips would taste like his used to do, on the nights when he'd tell you that you're the most delightful thing he's ever laid his eyes upon. Would be all giggly. Wine drunk. Happy. In love.
But it's been a while since he did that. Feels like a lifetime ago, now.
You shrug as you let the ruby red liquid swirl in your glass. Fighting against your feelings feels like swimming against the tide.
Always struggling to breathe. Never winning. Failing. Falling.
"I don't know how to, Dan."
"But you do," she insists.
And she's right. Of course you do.
His number has never been blocked, but a simple restriction of access to you would solve so many of your problems.
Thing is, you kind of like him still being your problem. At least that way, on a technicality, he's still yours. Kind of.
Every time he comes back to the city, it's still your bed that he ends up in.
Never for the night. Just for an hour or two - but for long enough for you to convince yourself that he can't stay away.
The lies you let your mind whisper are insidious. You're irresistible. He's still just as affected by you as you are by him. He can't possibly leave you.
And yet he does, each and every time.
He doesn't ever let you go. Not fully. Whenever you think you're getting over it, he shows up just to get you under him; his thumb, his spell, his body.
You're halfway through the bottle of wine when Danbi tells you once more that you need to get Seokjin out of your hair.
You've reached the end of it by the time you're grabbing your purse and heading for the closest Olive Young.
It's just down the street, by the crossroads that lead into town, and the staff there have seen you in worse states. A little tipsy has nothing on the mascara-stained eyes they used to be greeted with during the worst days of the breakup.
"Sure about this?" Danbi asks just to check before you take the boxes in your hands to the counter.
"Absolutely not - but he always hated me blonde," you grin a little sardonically. The happiness that comes with this change will be temporary, but you have to remind yourself that so was he. "At least even if I can't resist him, he'll resist me."
Peroxide and perhaps a little fried, your blonde hair had caught his attention in the early days - but you had dyed your hair dark in a bid to keep it.
He'd said some bullshit in a conversation amongst friends about his preferences, and how he favoured the 'natural look'. You weren't together at the time, not officially - but everyone there was a friend of his. They all knew you'd be going home with him. It only took two boxes of dye to get him asking to be exclusive. A week later he was introducing you to his friends as his girlfriend.
Funny what a little bit of conformity can do for a man who loves playing by the rules.
You assume his desire to tick the boxes and do what is expected of him is also why he was such a bellend when it came to the glitter you liked to dust yourself in.
Nobody's perfect though, so he was willing to overlook it. Was just one of the flaws he perceived in you. When you love someone, you accept them.
He ultimately never grew to love it, but for a while, you thought he might.
Bleach boxes in one hand, another bottle of wine in the other, you waste no time and head straight for the bathroom. Danbi follows you right in. She's always there to lend a hand or at least provide a Spotify playlist to get you through your woes.
Folding the powder into the developing lotion by the sink, you know your bleach-induced bathroom antics could get you a spot in a Brad Mondo video.
All a little haphazard, you're without a mixing bowl and brush, so are having to use an old takeout container and a plastic spoon, instead.
It's not quite how the instructions suggest you should mix it all up, but no good ever comes from following the rules.
You'd tried for Seokjin, and look where that got you.
Unlike him, trusty Tupperware has never done you dirty before. No reason why it should now.
Danbi sits on the closed toilet seat, legs crossed, a small bottle of bubbles in her hand. The bubbles had been a Christmas party favour from the office job she'd quit four months ago. Rediscovered when she'd been cleaning her room earlier that day, Danbi had taken to blowing pretty little bubble flurries your way all afternoon.
Your reflection is captured in the peacock sheen of the bubbles while you study your rapidly developing hair in the mirror.
You haven't bothered to change out of your shirt. It's not yours. One of Seokjin's. It's navy, and you hope the bleach ruins it.
"I think I've fucked up," you say all rather calmy, talking about your hair and not the shirt. It's not the end of the world if you have. Just hair, you always think.
Danbi shrugs. Has clearly spent too much time in your company, because she echoes exactly what you're thinking: "Just hair, babe. It'll grow."
That's the joy of your friendship; you both encourage each other with the same dumb remarks whenever you feel like you've reached the point of no return.
After all, if you can't go back?
Go forward.
"Plus," she adds, blowing more bubbles instead of taking a breath. "You can just chalk it up to being your hot mess era."
"Been in that for months already," you smile at her in the reflection of the mirror. You prod a little at your roots, and know that you definitely should have waited a little longer to work the bleach up to them. Bollocks.
You've done this enough times to know you'll end up with a gold band haloing around the top of your hair thanks to how easily your roots always lift. Nightmare.
"Exactly, so you may as well look the part," Danbi encourages. Worst influence going, she is. Also the best at times, too. You find comfort in the fact she won't always say what you want to hear, but what you need to hear instead.
The conversation dissolves into empty chatter, gossip about Danbi's dog walking clients, mentions of Taehyung and how he's still trying to talk her into a mates-rates discount despite the fact they aren't actually 'mates'. She asked you about your Bartender That Smiles, and you say he's all good - before you have to insist there's nothing going on there.
"He's got issues with his ex," you explain.
She rolls her eyes. "Don't they all? Boys and their first loves, I swear to God."
"Not sure she was his first," you defend, though you're not sure why. The thought lingers as you rummage around for an old tube of toner that you know you have hiding in the bathroom cabinet somewhere. It's been a while since your hair was pale enough to take toner, so it's been pushed right to the back.
Danbi is shooed from her perch on the toilet seat and into the living room as you let the shower run to heat it a little.
The first crash of water against your skin is lukewarm. Tepid. Unappealing, but necessary.
You hate anything other than boiling-you-alive degrees Celsius, but know you need to be kind to your hair after the torture you've put it through. The water runs cloudy until the bleach is rinsed out, and then it runs purple thanks to your silver shampoo. It pools around your feet and seeps into the drain. Wishful thinking has you hoping memories of Seokjin will do just the same.
It's just to preemptively tone it, but you can't help but worry about the pigment taking too strongly on your roots.
The ash toner you found in the cupboard is in a box by the sink. You plan on putting that over the top of whatever mess your hair is anyway, but it doesn't hurt to get a head start on the process.
The water glistens a deep violet, briefly coating your skin - and for some reason, all you can think about is Jeongguk, and how you'd really like to be downing a Purple Starfucker (or five) with him right now. He really is the perfect distraction.
Still, you have a task at hand. You rinse your hair; ring it out. Sigh as you frown at the mess that greets you in the mirror - lilac roots, a yellow band haloing just like your thought it would, and silver ends. Brilliant.
It's as you're sitting with Danbi in the living room a little while later - body wrapped in a towel that isn't half as fluffy as Jeongguk's favourite, ashy toner smothering your peroxide blonde hair - that you notice your phone flash on the coffee table.
Danbi clocks it first, and stifles a laugh as she reads the screen. "Isn't that the guy from the club?"
You assume she means Jeongguk, and are a little perplexed to see it's Jimin's name on your screen instead.
"Yeah... Jimin. Smooth talker, shit shagger."
"A glowing review."
"Hey, I still let him think he was good," you say as you reach for your phone to read his message out loud to Danbi. "You guys out tomorrow night?"
Sipping on her wine, Danbi raises a brow. Shakes her head in confusion. "He hoping for round two?"
"Fuck knows."
It's just gone midnight, so you consider maybe he's thinking about his desire for a hook-up, and is hoping for a safe bet in the form of you.
And so you don't reply. If he double texts, you'll just lie and say you've fallen asleep.
The scent of your toner is beginning to give you a headache, so you go to rinse it and bid farewell to your final day as a brunette.
Sleep evades you. Doesn't want to let go of who you were, apparently. Wine makes you sleepy, and yet you're wired as if you've just had a triple shot americano.
But then it's three in the morning, and all you can seem to smell is the deep conditioner you bathed your hair in that evening.
Somehow, when you look to the empty space beside you - delicately ruffled, a dent prevailing in the pillow - you convince yourself that you can smell fig leaves and coconut. The notes of his favourite aftershave linger like the ache in your chest. It's hollow, and you can't work out why it hurts quite as much as it does.
If there's nothing there, how can it be so painful?
You sniff back tears that fail to truly form and pull your phone from beneath your pillow. It's hard to move your fingers when they're tangled up in puppet strings that Seokjin is refusing to let go of, but eventually you manage to tap through some Instagram stories in a bid to distract yourself from him.
Inspirational quotes don't do much for you, nor do the engagement pictures of people you haven't given a second thought since graduation. There's an abundance of them. Smiling faces. Diamonds, or maybe just cubic zirconia. Fresh sets of nails, hands that are pink and warm from the heat of whoever's been holding them.
It's a curious thought; what people who haven't spoken to you in years must think of you now.
You were the one who was going to succeed. Going far in life, made for a boardroom, would look incredible in a pantsuit - and yet you're working in a cafe, first-class degree of no more worth than the tissue paper you flush down the toilet.
See, you switched out life goals for glitter. You wear it like armour; protect yourself from the world around you. Who cares about seriousness and success when you're a constant disco? Not you. Could never be you.
Or at least, you hope that's what people think. Hope that no one realises you're covering yourself in artificial shine; like a canvas in acrylic because you were too impatient to watch the oil paint dry.
One day you'll glow. Glow for real.
For a while, you thought you had been with Seokjin.
All you see when you look in the mirror these days is tarnished silver; copper alloy pretending to be much more than what it really is. Your skin will turn green eventually.
There is, however, one person you've managed to fool.
When his story pops up - a repost of tomorrow night's paint party event at Dionysus - you find yourself clicking through to your DM thread without much thought. You know he's at work. Know it's a 50/50 whether or not he'll get back to you before your mind begins to berate you again for how miserable you feel.
It's a simple message - hey - and you're pleased that it's met with an equally simple reply not even a minute later.
JustJK: To what do I owe the pleasure?
You decided that 'I'm about to cry over my shitbag ex so chose to message you instead' probably won't be Jeongguk's favourite thing to hear, so you opt for a little white lie.
You: Just wondering how the kids are <3
Part of you worries he won't understand what the fuck you're on about - but of course, he does. He's Jeongguk. Gets you better than you get yourself, these days.
JustJK: Missing their mother.
JustJK: Perry the Pigeon almost fell earlier.
JustJK: Roger the Robin looks like he has a broken wing.
JustJK: Must be one of yours. Inherited his mother's wonkiness <3
With each message that comes through, your smile grows wider in the midnight darkness of your bedroom.
You: Careful or I'll file for joint custody.
You: Get poor Roger away from his father's cruel remarks </3
There's an ease to how you joke together, both aware of how unserious you are. There's no second-guessing, no worrying about saying the wrong thing. If you do, you'll say sorry and move on. No harm, no foul.
JustJK: Your appeal won't hold up in court, Byeol.
JustJK: You've neglected them ever since you spawned them.
JustJK: Haven't even paid them a visit!!!
Laughter stifles in your throat as your body curls up into a more comfortable position. The audacity of this boy, you think, ignoring the way he manages to get you entirely focused on something that isn't your own despair.
You: You've got full custody!!!
JustJK: And you're still allowed to come for supervised visits!!!!!
JustJK: smh and to think you call yourself their mother.
JustJK: I'm their mother now.
You pout at your screen, and whine a small little 'nooo'.
You: They need me :(
JustJK: Come and see them, then. They miss their mother.
You: Tomorrow?
He reads the messages instantly, but takes a little longer than usual to reply. It worries you slightly. Makes you more aware of your surroundings. The scent of Seokjin's aftershave begins to permeate the air once more.
Until, all rather suddenly, it doesn't anymore.
JustJK: I'm not working tomorrow night, but Jimin's insisting on going to the paint party - you coming?
You: Will Perry the Pigeon be there?
JustJK: If he falls before I leave for the club, then yes.
It's not a bad proposition. One that quite intrigues you. One that has you agreeing, and him telling you to fuck off and go to sleep. He's got work to do, he says.
It's actually quite quiet at the club - Yeonjun just caught him looking at his phone with a dumb smile a few too many times for Jeongguk's liking. Doesn't wanna get caught out again.
Especially doesn't want him catching onto the fact that there's a reason Jeongguk's eyes light up like Disco Balls when he looks at his phone.
Yeonjun doesn't really have friends who are girls, Jeongguk reasons with himself. Won't understand that he's perfectly capable of having a little flirt without it meaning anything more than that - after all, isn't that just what banter is? Friendly flirting? He does it with the boys all the time. Doesn't mean fuck all. Just fun.
Jeongguk's a couple of years older than his cerulean-haired coworker, and has learnt the hard way that you really shouldn't escalate friends above the level of purely platonic. One day Yeonjun will realise this.
For now, though, Yeonjun'll shag anyone who looks at him in the right direction. Has probably already ruined a few good friendships. Doesn't even realise he's done it.
Jeongguk trusts himself not to make the same mistakes he's made in the past with you. Thinks that he's pretty happy with how things are. Has missed the dynamics of friendships with girls. Is looking forward to Monday movie night with you and Danbi again.
And yet when he gets home to find Perry the paper pigeon on his bed, he can't help but smile.
You wake up to a picture of the fallen bird in your DMs - and even though you'll whine and complain about it when you see him that evening, all you can do is smile, too.
JustJK: Looks like we're having a wholesome family trip to Dionysus tonight.
You: Mummy and Daddy reunited at last <33 Perry will be so happy.
JustJK: It's okay, you don't have to lie.
JustJK: I know you're talking about yourself, not Perry.
Jeongguk doesn't send the message where he tells you not to call him Daddy. Knows you'll read into it; tease him about it. It's not like he's got a thing for it, or anything, he just... maybe wouldn't be opposed to it, and so he'd rather not be called it when he's having casual conversations with you. Wouldn't wanna get flustered.
Part of you already knows this. Is precisely why you'd said it. It's not really your style, not the kind of thing that gets you going.
But it is also exactly why you choose to end your next message with, 'See you tonight, Daddy x'.
You're laughing as you send it.
And as he receives it, Jeongguk groans. Buries his head into his pillow. Crumples Perry a little in the process. Whines.
"Don't fuck this up, Jeongguk."
AO3 | MASTERLIST | NEXT
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Au idea I'll probably never write:
Steve as seven au, BUT he escapes at the same time as El in season 1. They get separated after Benny's, when seven tells eleven to run and definitely kills a couple government agents to give her more time.
So the a plot of will being missing and Mike finding El? Standard canon except El is ALSO looking for her brother and is worried about him. She sees that he's mostly safe and tries to help find will but also insists she go to her brother soon.
B plot of barb and Nancy...idk I haven't really thought about how that'd work without Steve's kickback. Maybe they go to a party (like actual party not the five person hangout) together and get separated and no one notices barb disappear from the edge of the lawn. Idk
The C plot is seven, kinda bloody and definitely cold, wandering out into the middle of the street, and one Robin Buckley almost running him over with her bike. She immediately clocks "guy who seems pretty fucked up" about him, and offers him a ride to her house. But Robin has never been the most coordinated of people and biking with a(admittedly probably too skinny) teenage boy sitting in her package rack is hard, and combine that with a guy driving like the devil's after him, they end up swerving of the road.
Eddie steps out, apologizes profusely, and offers them a ride. seven is sceptical, especially when both of them pause when he tells them his name, but does end up in the van. He finally gets a chance to breathe once they get to the Buckleys', and Robin gets him some leftovers.
He sits in front of the tv set to a blank station, tucks his head into his shirt instead of blindfolds, and tries to see El.
He sees her older, with flowers braided through long hair, laughing. Too far. He sees her with short curls, a patterned button down, eating something in a cone beside a mustachioed man. Too far again. He sees her tiny, scared, holding his own small hand. Not far enough.
Finally, finally, he sees her as she knows her now, mostly, standing beside a group of children and in front of a monster in a large room.
Eddie and Robin have no idea why their new friend? Has turned the tv on to static and is hiding in his shirt, but figure he's had a rough day. He pops his head back out, blood dripping from his nose, and grins, telling them he knows where his sister will be.
Anyways blah blah blah El sees where people ARE Steve sees where people have been/will be (based on where/who they are right now. Futura is constantly in motion etc).
Idk season 2 would happen very similar as canon minus stancy break up (they never date and are just friends) (also Steve tells Robin and Eddie he and El are safe and they pass it on to the kids) El finds Kali, Steve fights demodogs, etc etc.
But I want a (pre?) season 3 scene where Robin and Steve are hanging out as soulmates do, door closed because they are discussing Sensitive Subjects (gay shit) and giggling like schoolgirls. Hopper, in all his disappointed dad glory, opens the door and starts in on a rant about keeping the door open three inches.
Steve, bitch that he is, just tilts his head to the side and says "but that is for when we are with people we date. I am not dating Robin."
Hopper, not yet picking up what's happening, sighs. "Kid. It's about propriety. You can't be alone with Robin, because what if you do start dating. Then it's. You have to set an example for El!"(it would be a nice move bringing up Older Brother Responsibility, except...well.)
"but we aren't. I am dating someone else?"
"still need the door open three inches, pal. When El is home, at least"(El is almost always home)
"we do! And you complain about the loud music!"
"wait. Who are you dating? I thought Nancy was dating Jonathan still. She barely comes over." Hopper please pick up what Steve is putting down oh my god.
(hop has forgotten Robin is there and she is trying very hard not to make noise but Steve keeps meeting her eye sometimes because dear god. truly an iconic moment in friendship history.)
"yeah obviously. Eddie comes over all the time, though."
"what does Ed- oooh. Ah. I see. That's why you keep the door open even though he complains."
Steve nods like Hopper is the dumbest man on the planet. He might just be. "Yes. Because you said El had to and she asked why I didn't have to so then I started to leave it open when Eddie was over. At least Eddie doesn't laugh at you to your face"
"Eddie laughs behind my back?"
"he said you didn't know we were dating but I told him of course you knew, the door is open three inches."
Hopper clasps Steve's shoulders and looks him in the eye. "Steve, I need you to keep telling him that. And not mention this very awkward conversation we had."
"because he was right."
"he doesn't need to know that."
That's all I got lmao (also check the tag ramble I added lol)
#steve Harrington#robin buckley#eddie munson#el hopper#platonic stobin#steddie#steve and el#steve and hopper#steve is seven#finda writes stuff#hopper versus his childrens' boyfriends and his ongoing mission to have SOME authority over them#but anyway i love steve is seven aus but only really see ones where he escapes before el so thought this would be nest#*neat. also i love hopper adopting steve fics hehe#hop goes to joyce after this and is like. okay so he didnt tell me but thats because he thought i knew am i a bad dad#'hop. what are you talking about' 'steve and eddie are dating' 'yeah. what about it' 'i didnt know'#'theyre all over each other' 'so are him and robin! i thought they were just affectionate!' 'oh my god' 'no one else can ever know joyce'#'eddie sleeps over all the time' 'robin does too' 'the nicknames' 'robin calls steve babe' 'the whispering?'#'once AGAIN he and robin ALSO do that. how was i supposed to know he was dating eddie when he and his best friend also do that stuff?!'#'okay. thats fair jim. but what about the kissing' 'joyce.look into my eyes. he also. kisses. robin.' 'are all three of them dating?' 'no'#'huh. on the lips?' 'sometimes. its a playful smack.' 'and eddie?' 'okay admittedly. now that i think about it. very different than Robin
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im so tired of being a sleepy boy
#i napped for 2 hours bc i was so sleepy and still am. why.#i hydrated enough im not having an episode im not sick and no meds are causing it (i think) and the sun is not out so why!!!!#what am i supposed to do aaaaa!!!!!!! sleep for an entire day until i had sm sleep im sick of it?? 😭#i dozed off in the middle of sketching like cmon!!!#looking it up will tell me i have some rare kind of deadly disease and i dont wanna go to my doc and tell him im a sleepy googoogaga#this man is funnily enough my childhood doctor i went to before my adoption so he knows well enough how sleepy i am#considering my grandparents always tell i was fhe quietest baby ever and never screamed or cried they thought i just passed away or#was sick bc i just slept all day#so yss hes well aware of youn and his chronic sleepy sleepiness since baby times#actually thats over 20 years ago and my doc still looks the same#meaning super hot#which is confusing#this man did check ups on me when i was like 6 and 20 years later he kneads my popped out vertebrae back into place like im an old man#and he just looks exactly the same#this messes wifh my brain i think i need to nap on this#personal#tbd#idk why i rambled so hard while in the process of waking up my condolences if anyone read this far#im not even sleepy anymore bc i thought so hard about my doctor and his secret immortality my brain is actually working#🤔 ah
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it's so funny when I rewatch a show but with a new/different/additional crush. like I'm rewatching the librarians with my partner right now and it just feels soo different lol
#anyway. Jenkins 😍#on a completely unrelated note...#I need to learn more about pocket squares and ties.#because it's already driving me insane when they don't go together on night court but it's much worse on the librarians where I can actually#like. see stuff lol#I don't mean 'oh no the colour isn't an exact match'. more like 'these patterns and/or colours look fucking bad together'#but maybe there's like. reasons for that. rules that my silly little brain isn't smart enough to figure out#because all I'm basing that on is. my eyes and my opinion lol#anyway he's so baby. 🥰 and I definitely like him better now. very very huggable.#he takes that suit jacket off and I'm like 🥵#man I feel so weird about this :') but I must talk about it anyway or I will never get over that :)#like it just feels like. ohh this is weird I'm not supposed to think he's hot because he's old 😬 but he just. is 🤷#anyway touching his ears would fix me man it totally would#*with my mouth also. but whatever it's cool I'm not thinking about that#no haha why would I be thinking about it that :)#or when he sits on that table sometimes and I totally don't think about how I absolutely need to sit in his lap :)#haha noo I'm not thinking about fucking him at all who even brought that up#anyway i am very tired & have already taken my sleep meds so I am extra stupid rn :) and the dumb thoughts just keep coming out
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Me when i remember im not a grown man
Me when i remember everyone sees me as a girl even my friends because they cant help it because even tho they except and love me nearly all of them (or atleast the cis ones) cant see past the fem appearance and they do the thing where they try to affirm me by saying "the right things" but it feels fake and awkward and i just want it to be real i just want to be real. and i get to the point where i cant even remember my own personality because im trying to please everyone.. but that's probably more autism related and idk why i would try to please everyone because
*stops because im not gonna allow myself to call myself an asshole bad person etc*
Anyway i hate self improvement wdym lucie you're not gonna call yourself bad names? congrats
🫠🫠🫠🫠😭😭😭
HOLY SHIT I REACHED TAG LIMIT IM BONKERS
#its bed time#i go sleep now 😕😕😕#lucien talks#and sometimes i hate all my names because i can not be contained i can not be contained by a name but the name becomes your brand and every#one has there impression of you that they think of when your name is said#and the impressions people have of you cling to the name and they cling to the name and weigh it down until its a stranger#and i was not ment to be put in a body. not any body. im not saying i wanted to be amab im saying i dont want to have a body#and i do not hate my body. i just dont want one im not supposed to be here im not supposed to be here#and i do not hate my mind but i do not trust it and i wish i knew my soul because i think then i would be free and i would just be light#light.. like my names mean#i was ment to be light#im not supposed to be here#and i know i sound incoherent and insane but i was not made for this. there is more there is more there has to be more#please understand please tell me i dont sound insane please tell me.this is fine and i am fine and i am loved please#and please know that while i started this rant with something about gender it truly has everything to do with just being perceived and#truly not really about gender#that i can never explain me and noone can ever truly know me and there's no special telepathy#and you love me so tightly but we will be completely understood#and thats all anyone wants#that is all anyone wants#*you can love me so tightly#and i dont know why i feel so alone no matter how hard everyone tries to love me#these friends i know so well!! and love and they love me! but there will always be an aspect of superficiality#and it cant be helped#but gosh i love i love i love#and i love too much for this body#let me be light#and i dont want to be remembered for they what if they remember the body what if they remember the superficiality#what if they do not remember the light
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Misc. photos from the past year or so ~
#image commentary in tags once again since they don't allow captions anymore and I feel weird using the alt text for that --#1. napping bapy boye sneeping on his own foot as if it were a pillow#2. The little primrose that I have seems to bloom sporadically all year around as long as I bring it inside and don't let it freeze#in the winter. This was a flower that came up randomly like mid november lol#3. Rainbow where you can see a little bit of a second rainbow near the bottom of it :0#4. CHILDREN.... love to see them.....#5. Halloween Candy ranking tierlist. not important enough to post on it's own. so throwing it in with one of these I guess lol#I am also not really a candy person at all and prefer bready stuff like cakes rather than chocolate bars (if I even have to have sweets#at ALL which usually I prefer savory food). I suspect the apple is controversial but.. I do love apples .... huzzah#actually am having applle and peanut butter snack right now as I'm writing this lol#6. Various bowls/cups/etc. that I got from a store at COMPLETELY different times like.. years apart from each other#yet at some point realized that they all mostly match in paint color and seem to be part of the same pattern#But I totally didnt make that connection until a few years ago when I was putting up dishes. I just bought them all invidually because it's#like 'oh cool! a cat' *1 year later* 'oh cool! a cat!' etc. lol.. I guess it must be a popular design if it's been around being sold that#long.#7. carne asada burrito and matcha bubble tea... oughhgh.... again one of my very rare meals where I actually go and get something..#probably my favorite meal currently. Something about the Chronic Anemia makes me crave beef burritos madly despite only having one#maybe twice a year or so ghjbhj.. plus the beans.... onions.... many of my Diet Forbidden foods... Also of course the little aishas#are there.... somehow they shall split the meal together even though it's like 10x bigger than their bodies.. they are also hungry#and vastly anemic... huzzah to them...#8. I've had this shirt for a long time but it fits very weird so I can never find a way to use it in outfits?? But I recently had#an appointment where a doctor needed to be able to look at my back and it's one of the only actual Shirts that I have (mostly i just own#long robes or tunics or jumper dress type of things that would be hard to lift up or etc. like... I dont even own a single normal 't-shirt'#or anyting aside from one giant tshirt that I sleep in in the summer lol.) So I wore this there.. I forget how much I love the pictures on#it.. how pleasant... little hummingbird... AND I think one of the flowers is supposed to be columbine ... !#photo diary
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sometimes i forget that being depressed isn't normal honestly
#bambi's rambling#i mean like it's normal for me and has been for years#possibly always#like i remember crying myself to sleep and thinking no one loved me at like age five#i just didn't really understand the concept until like. fifteen or sixteen i think#at one point i looked up an online 'are you depressed' quiz#even before my mom put me in therapy cause she was concerned#but it said i had 'mild depression' so i was like oh well that doesn't really count obviously#(the ironic part was that it was the same test that the therapist used to see if i was depressed. so apparently it was legitimate)#but like i dont know how not to be depressed#i know its getting worse lately but like. what do i do about that#i'm so horrendously uncomfortable talking about this kind of thing even in online settings#like there's a 50/50 change imma delete this instead of posting it it's that bad#prolly gonna delete this even if i do post it#how am i supposed to get help when i can't even ask for it. that kinda thing#not like it matters all that much anyway lmao#it's just my brain being stupid like normal#vent#tw vent#tw depression#tw mental illness#cw depression#cw mental health
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for those of you who have listened to the album, what’s your fav track !!
#y’all already know mine’s bills#i cant stop listening to it anymore sksjsk#how can they come out with all of these incredible songs#how am i supposed to listen to each of them when i cant stop listening to one on repeat 🧍🏻♀️#i don’t think that made any sense djdndjdj i ended up getting like an hour of sleep djdndj so hopefully you at least got what i was going#*for there 😭#omg i have to shut up#and go back to sleep#😭😭😭😭😭#em speaks
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I can tell i am now experienceing actual real sleep deprivation and not just the omnipresent idiopathic hypersomnia fake sleepiness that my stupid lying body never shuts up about. I can tell because I am fallijng asleep in class regardless if I take my medication and I feel like everything is so, incredibly stupid and horrible, and everyone giving me homework or telling me to do anything is attacking me. And I can;t hold a conversation. And people are noticing my strange manner and pointing out that I seem wrong. And yet here we are AGAIN I have AGAIN stayed up late AND not gotten any work done. And on top of that I broke my fucking glasses tonight because I left them sitting on my fucking bed. And I'm freaking my parents out by crying over the phone and also I think I actually injured my shoulder last week its been hurting for four days now. and I'm so sad and mad at myself for not sleeping and not working but I can't work because I havent slept and I cant sleep because I havent worked. And every single time I get in a bad time like this my dad worries im going to die because i was suicidal for like a week in 2019 and then he gets mad at me for worrying him and I feel so so so guilty. Im so so sad.
#and I dont want to fuckign sleep even though i really need to and I spend every fucking seconf of every fucking day being sleepy#because even when I get enough sleep im still FUCKING sleepy so what is the FUCKING point. Why not just NOT FUCKING SLEEP.#Im so fucking sick of myself and my body and my pain and my stupidity.#AND ITS SO STUPID BECAUSE HERE I AM MISSING ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS SCARING MY FAMILY WEIRDING OUT OTHER STUDENTS AND MAKING MY PROFS HATE ME#BECAUSE IM FUCKING SLEEPY. stupidest fucking sounding reason on earth to have a fucking crisis.#no one ever hears me say im sleepy and thinks oh thats really serious i really want to help you now its literally just annoying to ppl#haha wait til you have kids or get older or a full time job ha ha#cool I am fuckign terrified of the future because I know how mad everyone gets at me when im too disabled to do what im supposed to#and I know its going to get to a point where I can't and there will probably be no one left to help me. I'm almost certainly going to outli#outlive my parents and my sister and even if i ever get married ill probably also get divorced so I'll be all alone#friendships aren't safe becuase you can love someone so much for 5 years and she just tells you one day she doesn't want to be burdened#by you anymore and you never hear from her again#its a dark scary fucking world and you want me to be passionate about a field of study or something?? jesus christ can you all just fuck of#I dont want to go to grad school i dont want to work i dont want to live alone i dont want to live with my parents forever#my head hurts so much goodnight guys sorry for ranting its literally fine im literally just really sleepy sorry for being melodramatic
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hadn’t really regressed in a While and i didn’t realize how much i missed/dareisay needed it until i had the free time and ability to do so over the last few days and i have to say. i’m feeling a bit better
#imagine that! the coping mechanism… helps!!! wow#Seven’s Small Thoughts#not tagging this as anything else bc this blog is really just a not-so-secret public diary#and im not really trying to gain any sort of following or participate in the community very much#i just wanna talk to the void abt regression every once in a blue moon y’know#i also feel like i don’t really belong in the community much/am not a Good Example of sfw agere since i’m very n/ s/ f/ w everywhere else#which is a double standard that i don’t hold others to but i feel like others will hold it against me??? and i’m just shy anyways#and not looking to interact. just wanna keep all this stuff tucked away in a side-blog#i also feel like a lot of the community likes to blog while actively regressed and i don’t wanna step in there as someone who isn’t#nothing wrong with it! at all! i just don’t have the capacity to since i go nonverbal when i regress. no thoughts head blissfully empty#anyways this wasn’t supposed to be a vent post let’s change the topic!#anywhooo what else did i come on here to say. oh yeah#i lowkey forgot how much regressing has helped me in the past until i was able to really indulge myself in it again recently#it’s so nice to just be small and hand someone else the reins and forget abt everything other than doing something you enjoy#maybe one day i’ll be at a point in my life where i can fully regress more freely and more often but for now i’ll take what i can get#i’m also excited because i’ve been thinking abt ordering a paci from this one specific seller#and yesterday saw that they’re dropping a new batch of fall/halloween themed ones today!!!#so now i’ve gotta make myself stay awake until 6pm so i can jump on it when they’re available#which is a small struggle considering my nocturnal sleep schedule but i will do it nonetheless#that crescent moon patterned one Will Be Mine#trying to decide between buttercup yellow and schoolbus yellow for the clip#i think i’m more drawn to the vibrancy of the schoolbus yellow honestly#eeeeeee i’m excited i’ve been wanting to treat myself to ordering from this shop for a g e s and im finally gonna do it
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being chronically ill fucking sucks man how am i supposed to live the rest of my life like this
#rant#on top of that i have severe issues w socialising#as in. i cannot talk to people for more than an hour at time otherwise i start feeling physically ill#i have a very low tolerance for that#so man how am i supposed to like. work#i had to get up to open the front door for my father today and by the time i reached the door i was already panting#(i was laying down before that)#i have uni + internship on mon and tuesdays and by the end of the day i cant feel my face. literally.#my cheeks are numb. my feet are numb and hurting. every inch of my body hurts all the time. my hands don’t move properly#my blood sucks!! my nerves suck!! my brain sucks!!!#not even sleeping makes things better. my muscle tone is sooo bad that i wake up w/ everything hurting even more!!! what!!!!!!!#how am i supposed to go on like this for more like idk 50 years? if i’m lucky#every day and again and again and again and again and again#i’m not going to type out what i think of doing when i imagine a life like this but it’s not good!!!!!!
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#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted#and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i#think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god.#and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind#and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind#splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt#and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d#some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard#as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not#and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and#more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this#and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make#things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill#laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop#with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out#itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄#unrelated
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(:
#someone please explain to me why I had a damn meltdown every time I had to sit down and write shit for my thesis#and now I'm sitting here writing three damn pages of (I don't know what the hell it is) about the leverage team#no it's not fan fiction no it's not anything coherent it's literally just all the stupid words in my brain puked out via my keyboard#who cares about sleep who cares about doing anything productive I need to talk about how much they love each other before it makes my heart#explode#that was supposed to say head but yeah heart fits too I guess#I was beginning to think I might be getting slightly more normal about them but haha no guess I was wrong#maybe it's the sleep deprivation maybe it's the mental illness maybe it's just life but damn I am really not okay about them#anyway I have to go write more unhinged shit about them.#and maybe also sleep at some point but nah who needs that when there's characters to cry about#literally and figuratively
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