The Studio

“Hey Nineteen” (1980) Steely Dan MCA Records (Written by Walter Becker and Donald Fagen) Highest U.S. Billboard Chart Position – No. 10

"From noon till six we'd play the tune over and over and over again, nailing each part. We'd go to dinner and come back and start recording. They made everybody play like their life depended on it. But they weren't gonna keep anything anyone else played that night, no matter how tight it was. All they were going for was the drum track.”                                        - Jeff Porcaro, Musician

Like a python wrapping itself around the beating heart of Rock and roll more and more tightly, this was the last charting single for the last album in Steely Dan’s classic period (it would be 20 years until they would release another album, Two Against Nature, in 2000).  The stories of their recording methods reinforce this metaphor: what was once a real touring band of musicians had whittled itself down to just Becker and Fagen rehearsing the best artists in the world over and over and over again to achieve an exactness and fidelity that has never really been matched.  I remember “Hey Nineteen” charting in 1980; it was right there on the radio beside Blondie’s “Call Me” and Olivia Newton-John’s “Magic”, playing nice but certainly not fitting in.  They played it over and over again, a kind of spiritless meditation on something my teenage brain could never parse (The Cuervo Gold?  The Fine Columbian?).  Even today it is the kind of song one can never get to the center of, the smoothest track in the middle of the road: slick, perfect, and eternal. Like all of their hits it stuck around to sell a lot of copies but never really went to the top of the charts (one of the most successful bands ever to have never achieved a No. 1 anything).

Today some folks call this Yacht Rock (a term I mildly dislike as generic) which is ironic considering it is hard to imagine these two city slickers anywhere near a boat, or even in the wild.  I can only ever see them in the studio playing mad scientist with the idea of fidelity.  This much I know: I have a decent turntable setup and nothing touches Gaucho for sound quality—1979 is at the top of the top for the old idea of a great studio record.  The only vinyl record that may top it is Fleetwood Mac’s Tusk or Dan’s own Gaucho.  This is the result of all that squeezing: what starting out at a very high level with Can’t Buy a Thrill (their debut in 1972) only got more and more refined with every album.  By the time one gets to Gaucho (after the lush but boozy hangover and strung-out feeling of Aja) there is a kind of plateau-ing, a linear quality, to all of the rehearsing and perfecting and playing every note until it almost fails to exist.  Don’t get me wrong, this is a record I love—but at a distance, because it was constructed to keep you there.

There are so many legends surrounding the LP: that it was (up to that point) the most expensive ever made (over a million 1979 dollars); that it was heavily delayed by the band’s perfectionism (it took well over a year to record); that is was surrounded by tragedy and drug use (a terrible car accident for Becker, 6 months of hospitalization, his heroin addiction, and the death of his girlfriend).  The hyper focus of Fagen and Becker, rehearsing musicians to exhaustion to get every note perfect, included their famous engineer Roger Nichols (formerly a nuclear physicist!) who was given $150,000 of the budget to create a computer that could process the live drum sounds for them to manipulate exactingly (he named it Wendel and the RIAA bestowed the machine its own framed, platinum copy of Gaucho in acknowledgement).  There was the three-way legal battle between MCA, Warner Brothers and Steely Dan to actually release the thing (their original label, ABC Records, had been acquired by MCA).  Lastly there was the sign of the times in the new “Premium Pricing” by MCA, a hike in album prices from $8.98 to $9.98 for the more expensively-produced records (I guess) which included Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers Hard Promises and the soundtrack for Xanadu, although I am not sure it ever went into effect after a lot of bad press.  One legend that seems plainly true is that this year was one of the last for huge, expensive, lavishly-produced studio records.  Like the old Hollywood system, it simply could not hold any more, and something leaner was right around the corner; if not inevitable, then necessary to move the art form forward.

Maybe this is the reason that “Hey Nineteen” sounded so anachronistic that year: it was by then a hologram from that ever-distant land of the 70s long player, richly produced, genre-defying, Empyrean, graceful.  Go on to an internet message board or read any history of Steely Dan and you will find there the endless jabber about their relative goodness or badness in the great cause of Rock Music, by jazzing it up, or slimming it down, or mellowing it out, or squeezing it too hard in rehearsals (Gaucho is deliciously given one star by Dave Marsh in The Rolling Stone Record Guide, 1983) but trust me: pay them no mind.  Just drop the needle, rejoice in the cleanest sound in stereo ever attempted by anyone anywhere, and spend time with some of the best musicians who have ever lived. 

-

Roger Nichols, after being with the band as a peerless sound engineer for over 30 years (and on all of their 7 classic-period albums), was unceremoniously let go during the middle of recording of Everything Must Go, right after the disaster of 9-11.  His wife Connie described it as an “emotional dagger to his heart and soul” and him as heartbroken.  No definitive reason seems to be well known. Nichols sadly passed away in 2011 of pancreatic cancer at the age of 66.

Right before the pandemic Connie found a clear cassette in Nichols’ things marked “The Second Arr” in black Sharpie pen (she had never had the heart to throw away anything with his handwriting on it).  This turned out to be a copy of a very famous lost master track from Gaucho, “The Second Arrangement”, which after months of recording and $80,000 invested, and complete, was accidentally taped over by a second engineer (whew - poor guy).  This tape was from the night before that event.  Fagen and Becker considered re-recording it, but being absolute perfectionists, they realized it was hopeless and moved on. 

Connie Nichols waited out the pandemic to have the tape professionally converted, fearing it would fall apart.  Later, another (even better) copy, a DAT tape, was discovered by her.  It can be heard here (most clearly in the second post, clocking in at 5:46) from the substack Expanding Dan.  It is rather wonderful.

● FIFTY EIGHT ● VAMPIRE ● CIS FEMALE ● BANKER ●

“None of us really changes over time; we only become more fully what we are.”

Biography: 1985, things were interesting in a weird way in 1985- Robert Downey Jr. was in the middle of a small stint on Saturday Night Live, New Coke was introduced to the world to an alarmingly negative reception, and America had pulled out of the energy crisis of the 70’s to usher in a new age of earning- investing. Torrance Katz was like many New Yorkers at the time, working her ass off at one of New York’s most profitable brokerage firms. It was the golden age of Wall Street and the brokers were on the top of the world, everyone wanted to be them, Torrance included. She was an intern, and working her way up to being a junior member of the firm, the twenty year old was a wunderkind; having already graduated from Columbia University with a degree in finance with a minor in business administration; by day an aspiring broker, and by night a regular new yorker with a very active party life. Aside from being the Golden Age of Wall Street, the 1980’s were also the Golden Age of cocaine, and Torrance, like many other brokers in the firm, relied on cocaine heavily.

After moving into New York she fell into the club scene and began to date a man, Drake, who was a fairly well known drug dealer in the tri-state area, the two were quickly inseparable, Drake got really intense really fast and he clung to Torrance, demanding as much of her attention as she could give. He was definitely not her usual type, he was a goth, he was always extremely needy and within a month was begging her to quit her internship to be with him forever. Torrance could handle his needy behavior, thinking that he was just real intense real fast, but as long as he kept her well stocked in her drug of choice she didn’t care. She continued her life, working, partying, dealing with Drake, it was what it was in her mind, and eventually Drake did continue to work on building himself as a more prolific drug dealer. Until one day he brought home a new drug. She had found her way into his stash and finding it she thought it was just cocaine so after cutting herself a line she got ready to go out for the night.

When Drake came home he found Torrance half dead on the living room floor, having snorted a lot of heroin, he panicked and after realizing if he took her to the hospital they would call the police, he finally made a decision. Drake was a vampire who had only been turned fifty years ago by his maker who was in the process of turning a lot of vampires to join his nest. Drake turned Torrance and when she woke up, he explained to her that he had turned her to keep her from dying. Torrance was happy to be alive, but was dismayed to find out that Drake expected her to be with him forever after he’d saved her. She spent the next year with him, but eventually told him to take a hike, and since he was still bound to his master, who was furious at Drake for turning a human without his permission, he ordered Drake to release Torrance, under the condition that she stay away from Drake and the rest of his nest.

Torrance left Manhattan and moved down to Florida where she worked as an office admin at a few different places, but seemed to find her calling working at a funeral home- all that blood was just going to waste, so she compelled the funeral director to give her as much blood as she could drink from the corpses, and it worked for awhile, until one night a family member brought a different dress for their mother to wear before the autopsy and the two walked in to find Torrance draining the body of blood. She killed them out of panic before she had to leave Miami and bounced around from job to job for a while before the Great Announcement. Now, not having to live in the shadows anymore, Torrance moved to Saintes where she could live a normal, productive life, and get back to the thing she loves most: Finance.

Torrance is an open character, if you think he looks right for you, feel free to fill out the application and submit it here!

● FIFTY EIGHT ● VAMPIRE ● CIS FEMALE ● BANKER ●

“None of us really changes over time; we only become more fully what we are.”

Biography: 1985, things were interesting in a weird way in 1985- Robert Downey Jr. was in the middle of a small stint on Saturday Night Live, New Coke was introduced to the world to an alarmingly negative reception, and America had pulled out of the energy crisis of the 70’s to usher in a new age of earning- investing. Torrance Katz was like many New Yorkers at the time, working her ass off at one of New York’s most profitable brokerage firms. It was the golden age of Wall Street and the brokers were on the top of the world, everyone wanted to be them, Torrance included. She was an intern, and working her way up to being a junior member of the firm, the twenty year old was a wunderkind; having already graduated from Columbia University with a degree in finance with a minor in business administration; by day an aspiring broker, and by night a regular new yorker with a very active party life. Aside from being the Golden Age of Wall Street, the 1980’s were also the Golden Age of cocaine, and Torrance, like many other brokers in the firm, relied on cocaine heavily.

After moving into New York she fell into the club scene and began to date a man, Drake, who was a fairly well known drug dealer in the tri-state area, the two were quickly inseparable, Drake got really intense really fast and he clung to Torrance, demanding as much of her attention as she could give. He was definitely not her usual type, he was a goth, he was always extremely needy and within a month was begging her to quit her internship to be with him forever. Torrance could handle his needy behavior, thinking that he was just real intense real fast, but as long as he kept her well stocked in her drug of choice she didn’t care. She continued her life, working, partying, dealing with Drake, it was what it was in her mind, and eventually Drake did continue to work on building himself as a more prolific drug dealer. Until one day he brought home a new drug. She had found her way into his stash and finding it she thought it was just cocaine so after cutting herself a line she got ready to go out for the night.

When Drake came home he found Torrance half dead on the living room floor, having snorted a lot of heroin, he panicked and after realizing if he took her to the hospital they would call the police, he finally made a decision. Drake was a vampire who had only been turned fifty years ago by his maker who was in the process of turning a lot of vampires to join his nest. Drake turned Torrance and when she woke up, he explained to her that he had turned her to keep her from dying. Torrance was happy to be alive, but was dismayed to find out that Drake expected her to be with him forever after he’d saved her. She spent the next year with him, but eventually told him to take a hike, and since he was still bound to his master, who was furious at Drake for turning a human without his permission, he ordered Drake to release Torrance, under the condition that she stay away from Drake and the rest of his nest.

Torrance left Manhattan and moved down to Florida where she worked as an office admin at a few different places, but seemed to find her calling working at a funeral home- all that blood was just going to waste, so she compelled the funeral director to give her as much blood as she could drink from the corpses, and it worked for awhile, until one night a family member brought a different dress for their mother to wear before the autopsy and the two walked in to find Torrance draining the body of blood. She killed them out of panic before she had to leave Miami and bounced around from job to job for a while before the Great Announcement. Now, not having to live in the shadows anymore, Torrance moved to Saintes where she could live a normal, productive life, and get back to the thing she loves most: Finance.

Torrance is an open character, if you think he looks right for you, feel free to fill out the application and submit it here!

➤ MEET TORRANCE: 57, MISTRESS, VAMPIRE

Full Name: Torrance Katz Nickname(s): Torr, Kat Pronouns: She/Her Birthday: August 16, 1965 Age: 57 Status: Mistress Occupation: Administrative Staff Species: Vampire Special Powers: None Sexuality: Bisexual I am a: Dominant/Switch I want a: Dominant Turn-Ons: Hair pulling, blood play, oral (receiving), rough sex, biting Turn-Offs: Scat play, DD/lg, oral (giving)

➤ BIOGRAPHY

1985, things were interesting in a weird way in 1985- Robert Downey Jr. was in the middle of a small stint on Saturday Night Live, New Coke was introduced to the world to an alarmingly negative reception, and America had pulled out of the energy crisis of the 70’s to usher in a new age of earning- investing. Torrance Katz was like many New Yorkers at the time, working her ass off at one of New York’s most profitable brokerage firms. It was the golden age of Wall Street and the brokers were on the top of the world, everyone wanted to be them, Torrance included. She was an intern, and working her way up to being a junior member of the firm, the twenty year old was a wunderkind; having already graduated from Columbia University with a degree in finance with a minor in business administration; by day an aspiring broker, and by night a regular new yorker with a very active party life. Aside from being the Golden Age of Wall Street, the 1980’s were also the Golden Age of cocaine, and Torrance, like many other brokers in the firm, relied on cocaine heavily.

After moving into New York she fell into the club scene and began to date a man, Drake, who was a fairly well known drug dealer in the tri-state area, the two were quickly inseparable, Drake got really intense really fast and he clung to Torrance, demanding as much of her attention as she could give. He was definitely not her usual type, he was a goth, he was always extremely needy and within a month was begging her to quit her internship to be with him forever. Torrance could handle his needy behavior, thinking that he was just real intense real fast, but as long as he kept her well stocked in her drug of choice she didn’t care. She continued her life, working, partying, dealing with Drake, it was what it was in her mind, and eventually Drake did continue to work on building himself as a more prolific drug dealer. Until one day he brought home a new drug. She had found her way into his stash and finding it she thought it was just cocaine so after cutting herself a line she got ready to go out for the night.

When Drake came home he found Torrance half dead on the living room floor, having snorted a lot of heroin, he panicked and after realizing if he took her to the hospital they would call the police, he finally made a decision. Drake was a vampire who had only been turned fifty years ago by his maker who was in the process of turning a lot of vampires to join his nest. Drake turned Torrance and when she woke up, he explained to her that he had turned her to keep her from dying. Torrance was happy to be alive, but was dismayed to find out that Drake expected her to be with him forever after he’d saved her. She spent the next year with him, but eventually told him to take a hike, and since he was still bound to his master, who was furious at Drake for turning a human without his permission, he ordered Drake to release Torrance, under the condition that she stay away from Drake and the rest of his nest.

Torrance left Manhattan and moved down to Florida where she worked as an office admin at a few different places, but seemed to find her calling working at a funeral home- all that blood was just going to waste, so she compelled the funeral director to give her as much blood as she could drink from the corpses, and it worked for awhile, until one night a family member brought a different dress for their mother to wear before the autopsy and the two walked in to find Torrance draining the body of blood. She killed them out of panic before she had to leave Miami and bounced around from job to job for a while before hearing about a school in the Caribbean where she wouldn’t have to hide who she was and would be able to work in administration while living as a vampire openly, so she applied and was overjoyed when she got the job.

➤ PERSONALITY

✚ Tenacious, dependable, motivated ▬ Aggressive, materialistic, tactless

➤ ESTABLISHED CONNECTIONS

None

➤ FACE CLAIM & OOC INFO

Torrance's faceclaim is Maya Hawke. // Dakota, 30, She/They, PST

Hospitals, Heroin, and Hikes

Requested by: @sej1983

Request: Can we get a Conrad x reader where maybe she gets attacked and Conrad has to protect her or save her?

Fandom: The Resident FOX

Pairing: Conrad Hawkins x Reader

Warnings: Slight cursing, slight mentions of drug use

*******

    Opening your eyes, you realized little made sense to you. You couldn’t go more than a couple seconds without blinking, and everything around you was too blurry for your liking.

    Suddenly, Conrad came into view. He was saying something, but you had no idea what. You noticed he looked terrified. You assumed it had something to do with the fact that you were probably dying. You tried to reach out to him, to tell him not to worry, but you were too weak for it. All you could pull from your throat before it filled with blood was a strained, “Con--” Finally, you blacked out.

    The world came back to you slowly and painfully. When you opened your eyes, the lights were too bright, and it was too hard to breathe. You groaned.

    That’s when you realized Conrad was next to your hospital bed. He called out your name and squeezed your hand.

    “Conrad?” you rasped, “What happened?”

    He went on to explain that one of the patients you were with was going through heroin withdrawal. The patient freaked out, grabbed a scalpel, and stabbed you multiple times in the stomach. Conrad was the first to get to you, and he was able to stop the bleeding long enough to get you into surgery. Conrad saved your life.

    “Connie...” you mumbled, getting the resident to lean in closer, “...thank you...”

    Dr. Hawkins just chuckled, “Anytime. We couldn’t lose the best doctor at Chastain, could we?”

    That got you to laugh, too.

    Conrad grew serious, “...And I couldn’t lose you either.”

    A watery smile grew across your features. “Conrad...”

    He looked up from his hands to meet your eyes. “You scared the hell out of me.”

    “If it makes you feel any better, I was pretty scared, too,” you smiled when Conrad barked out a laugh. Biting your lip, your heart sped up at the thought of what you were going to say next. “How about, once I get healed up, we go out and get something to eat or something?”

    The resident grinned, “I’m looking forward to it. But just so you know, I’m not going waste someone as beautiful as you on some ordinary restaurant. Give me some time, I’m going to come up with a date that will blow your mind.”

    “Alright, but don’t get too many ideas. I have a feeling my Dr. Hawkins won’t want me to move around too much in the first couple weeks after I’m out of here. So no hikes.”

    Conrad smirked, “Yeah, I also have a feeling Dr. Hawkins will feel that way. No hikes. Deal.”

    “Deal,” you agreed.

    The two of you shook on it.

*******

Author’s Note: Thank you for reading! Fill up that heart and reblog if you liked it! If you would like to read more, I have more fics on The Resident over on my page. You should go check it out. Also, REQUESTS ARE OPEN. I take requests for one-shots, multi-chapters, headcannons, and preferences. No smut, please. I write for a variety of fandoms. If you’re wondering if I write for a specific fandom, please ask me. Have a nice day, night, or whatever time it is for you.<3

Not So Sweet

It was 2014 and 25 17-year-old students, including myself, were in AP English reading Wild: From Lost and Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed. Not many of us knew what a Pacific Crest Trail was or knew how to hike but our teacher was adamant that we read this book. For those of us who haven’t read the book or at least seen the movie, Wild is about a young-woman named Cheryl Strayed who at the age of 26; hikes the Pacific Crest Trail from the Mojave Desert in California all the way up to Oregon by herself. The reason for her journey is that after the death of her mother at the age of 22, she turned to a life of promiscuity and drugs to help her cope with her grief.

           As a 17-year-old reading the book, I did not quite understand the concept of grief and trauma. I just knew bad shit happened and when it does, go cry your river, build your bridge, and get over it. I didn’t understand that grief and trauma can manifest itself in the ways that it manifested in Cheryl Strayed. My images of grief always included people in black crying into handkerchiefs at a funeral; not a woman injecting heroin into her ankle and sleeping with random men. So, like most teenagers I wise cracked about how she used the death of her mother as an excuse to be a hoe.

           Back on Friday, October 5th, I went on a hike with a friend of mines on the Sugarloaf Mountain in Dickerson, Maryland. It wasn’t anything huge or grandiose like the Pacific Crest Trail or the Appalachian Trail, but it was quite a feat for someone out of shape such as me. Most of the time I was alone running into brush and/or slipping down rocks because my partner was an adept hiker and trails like this were just mere child’s play to him and in this alone time, I remember Cheryl Strayed. I remembered the story I laughed at 4 years earlier and in the middle of the Blue trail, I took off my pack and sat on a rock. I listened to the sound of birds, the rushing of the stream down the mountain, and the wind rustling the leaves of the tree. I took a deep breath of the crisp, mountainous air, and I thought, “I am her.”

           Like Cheryl Strayed, I experienced grief and trauma. I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I grew up in a home where I witnessed domestic violence, and my mother early in my childhood was very neglectful and would abandon us for weeks on end. I am also a daughter that was left behind due to parental suicide. At the tail end of 2017, my life started to spiral out of control. On top of the grief and trauma that I was trying to work with; my grandmother, aunt, and uncle died all within a month apart from each other which prolonged the dark cloud that was hanging over my head. Around this time, I also had a horrible habit of drinking profusely and putting my happiness into the hands of men hoping that they will nurture my aching heart back to health but, I always ended up being hurt and back in the bars and on Tinder.

           Two weeks after my Uncle’s funeral in January, I thought I met the man of my dreams. He not only took my heart and nurtured it but, he showed me what love is supposed to look like. He showed me that love was not supposed to hurt and betray you and that it was supposed to empower and uplift you. There were many red flags in the beginning but, I willfully ignored them because I so desperately wanted him to be the answer to my prayers. Unfortunately, in June I drunkenly called him after a happy hour turned into a happy night propositioning him to let me come over for a night of sex only to hear another female’s voice on the other end of the phone. This sent my spiraling down into a suicidal psychosis. I flirted with the idea of suicide throughout my life, but I had had enough of the pain and my ex’s cheating was enough to drive me over the edge.

           I was walking down Southwest Waterfront hysterically begging and pleading for him not to do this to me with him just offering rebuttal after rebuttal. I had a suicide note in my purse and I had a box cutter that I used on the train earlier to slit my wrists to get me to calm down. It was my intention to slit my wrist and drown myself in the Anacostia River that night but, something told me to live. I called 911 and told them that they had one minute to get to me before I turned the corner which led to the Marina in which I was going to make my last stand. At the grace of God, there was a car already on patrol and they arrived and took me to George Washington University Hospital to get treated.

           Now four months later, I was on the Sugarloaf Mountain realizing the power that I had within myself. It’s something about being on a mountain looking down that makes you realize how badass you are. You feel like a giant looking out and seeing how small and insignificant the world is. You start to realize that everything that happened to you leading up to that point was nothing but a test that you needed to pass before you reach your full potential. Like Cheryl Strayed, I dealt with grief, trauma, substance abuse, and promiscuity and like her, nature helped me to start the process of healing. Once I got my ass off the rock, I was determined to summit that mountain. This was a test that I MUST pass.

           As the hike continued, each incline became symbolic of all the adversities I overcame. Every cut and scrape became a reminder to not get too ahead of myself and to stay focused on the path ahead. I blazed that mountain determined that from here on out there was nothing that I couldn’t overcome. I was a goddess who is strong, beautiful, intelligent, brave, and deserving of love from others but most importantly herself. As we got closer and closer to the summit, I was starting to feel accomplished. A wave of emotion started to overcome me. I was finally about to complete this task that was going to kick start my journey to wellness but, shit started to happen. My hiking partner and I got lost and the sun was starting to go down. When we finally found the trail that lead to the summit, we were exhausted, hungry, and hiking up and coming back down would eat up most of the daylight that we had left.

           On the way down the mountain, I grew discouraged. This one task that I set out to do, I couldn’t do it. That same negative voice that nagged at me for years and years was screaming, “Failure!” “Alcoholic Slut!” “Fat Ass!” and for a second, I believed her and that’s when I remembered Cheryl Strayed. She did not hike the full trail. The Pacific Crest Trail extends all the way from the Mojave Desert into Canada. She stopped in Oregon. I picked my head back up and looked at my step calculator on my phone. That day I walked 8.1 miles! I walked the full length of the White Trail (the longest trail on the mountain) and then some. When we finally came out of the forested mountain onto a paved road leading back to the car, I saw the beautiful sunset that painted the blue sky with hues that ranged from magenta to orange and this lush, green field with a pond next to it that had geese dutifully lined up along its edge. I finally saw the sunshine.

           I spent most of my life looking at the bad that I forgot the good that was within me. Looking out onto that sunset made me realize that my goal in life was not to be perfect at everything but, it is to give life the best that I got. It is to try and try and keep trying until I succeed in what it is that God has planned for me. It is going to take some time but, I must be humble and patient. The Sugarloaf Mountain taught me that reaching the summit is not the most important thing, it taught me that giving it the best you got is what counts. On the ride back to the hustle and bustle of Washington, D.C. I told myself that I was going to summit that mountain by any means necessary and I will train and condition everyday if I must. I also told myself that I will take my life back into my hands. I will finish school, be successful, cut back on my drinking, and stop relying on men to make me whole.

           My journey on the Sugarloaf Mountain can be described by the words of Cheryl Strayed that I read when I was 17 years old “Uncertain that I was as I pushed forward, I felt right in my pushing, as if the effort itself meant something. That perhaps being amidst the undesecrated beauty of the wilderness meant I too could be undesecrated, regardless of the regrettable things I’d done to others or myself or the regrettable things that had been done to me. Of all the thigs I’d been skeptical about, I didn’t feel skeptical about this: the wilderness had a clarity that included me.”

           I AM WILD.

           -Tiana Minter 2018

Blossoming Pear Trees

🎼Breakfast at Tiffanys by Truman Capote, A Tree Grows In Brooklyn by Betty Smith and The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton, are a few of my favorite books based in New York City. In each, I learned about the charms, qualities and history of the port town bordered by rivers and saturated with hopes, dreams, ambitions, adventures and ideas, each framed within its unique time and context. These books careful plots, characters, storyline, setting and subtexts offering a sliver of knowledge, into the eras thinking, behaving, cultural nuances, as well as the animated energies and perspectives, that shaped and influenced such a complex and captivating town.

In Breakfast at Tiffany’s, I was struck by the fathomless quarters of the heart, the vivacious and inimitable character of Holly Golightly, and the sumptuous homage to the renowned Manhattan nightlife, rife with its glamorous habitués, black silk Givenchy dresses, cocktail soirées and scintillating repertee. I read The Tree Grows In Brooklyn, while living on Roosevelt Island. Within the pages of this delightful rendering of childhood memories, I was gripped by the historical flavor of Brooklyn, the memories of life as a small girl in a lively neighborhood, and the universal experience of being a child tempered heavily with the backdrop of a multicultural new land. The Age of Innocence, portrays another world within the five boroughs, it spotlights, the heady world of upper east side mansions, park avenue town homes, sea escapes to Newport and Long Island, the closely knit and highly structured world of the old New York elite, and the inevitable barriers that plant themselves, in the purest love stories. The book is strewn with references and symbolic meanings of flowers; ‘His eye lit on a cluster of yellow roses. He had never seen any as sun-golden before, and his first instinct was to send them to May instead of the lilies. But they did not look like her- there was something too rich, too strong, in their fiery beauty.’

Having studied and lived in NYC for eight years during my early twenties to early thirties, I often miss the alchemical rush, fearlessness, possibility, dreamlike and magical qualities of living and experiencing one of the great world cities. Thus, a setting in Manhattan brings back the memories of my own time in the city, whether in the faint refrain of notes of music drifting from long ago nights dancing, flirting and imbibing cocktails in Soho with my dearest friends, remembering the anticipation of getting ready for nights out, in short, white, party dresses, also sprinkled with hazy recollections of ending up at somebodies apartment watching the sunrise over the east river, or rainy, rose and iris strewn June walks in Central Park, or hot chocolate from a café near the Met Museum, or of teetering in four inch hot pink stilettos to law firms in midtown or Wall Street, or even further, back to my first night of Law School, crying myself to sleep in a dark dorm room in Greenwich Village, to the day I left, unsure of the journey as the cab carried me across the midtown bridge to the airport, Manhattan lit up behind me, my passage barely dimming its intensity or power. My first stop was to spend a few weeks in the South of France before moving to Vancouver. While those trillion and one lights in the epic skyline glittered farewell, I didn’t know that I would create homes soon, in Vancouver, Los Angeles, Toronto and in my current home in palmy, light saturated and desert bewitched Phoenix, all within half a decade of leaving New York.

Of course, when I miss the city and its aphrodisiacal properties, reading a lighthearted, expressive and engrossing book, such as Sweet Bitter by Stephanie Danler, is transportive and thoroughly entertaining. In this book, I follow the hectic, hedonistic, raucous, fast paced and party filled days and nights of Tess, the small town heroine who moves to the city with hardly any money, to work at a celebrated and iconic NYC restaurant. The most riveting elements of the narrative beyond the illuminating yet relatively common premise of being young, confused, riddled with anxiety about the future, driven to the edges of exploration and self discovery, are the careful and considered details that are painstakingly layered, by the author, like nacre accumulating on a shell, to create a picture of one persons bewildering unfurling of time and space; of developing a crush and falling in love, of connecting with other people through post work hours of heavy drinking and drugs, of everyday group camaraderie, of obstacles and of the costs of taking a chance, of being hurt by the many thorns, blind spots and fractures within reality and of times reluctance to reveal the truthful bitter notes of existence to the untried and uninitiated. Along with the protagonists evolving ability to understand her own capacity for work, of her desire to party, and to chase the object of her desire at the risk of rejection, we are gifted with a rich, informative, luscious, compelling and beautifully conveyed dialogue, steeped in knowledge, brimming with anecdotes and lush with poetic names of revered wines, sherries and champagne. Readers are granted an epicurean education into the sybaritic realms of hospitality, of torn figs, marcona almonds, black truffle laced risotto, of fine cheeses, of terroir, of perfumery and of the effervescence, of those who chase the ephemeral, whether in briny winter oysters, mornings commenced with espresso and closed with half discarded bottles of celebrated wine, in rootless love affairs and in risking everything for the intoxicating New York City moment.

Sometimes nostalgia hits in painful ways, like a cut, tearing skin when scraping against a jagged wall, yet when I see my little son who was born in the city, or my husband, whom I met therein, or my daughter, who might one day visit my favorite museums such as The American Museum of Natural History on the Upper East Side, I don’t miss it that much, I become lost in my current adventure, in baking the family walnut, chocolate chip banana bread, in cutting shell white roses from my balcony garden, in hiking in the charged desert and realizing with the grace of hindsight, the I found both heartbreak and love, from a storied place, and that it is as close to me as my breath and as dear as the Callery pear trees that bloom in the early spring along the proud avenues and reverie misted streets.

Dwelling here in the present, I vow to write more about flowers. For a petal and dew drenched reality accumulates hope, positivity, happiness, reveries, ideas and inspirations. One is potently healed by the generosity and brilliance of blossoms, from witch hazel sprays, to lavender soap, to jasmine and vanilla perfume, to dried rose petal dipped madeleines to countless other floral injections. To be among flowers, is our most natural and exhilarating state, whether it is a summer picnic by a meadow of chamomile and violets, or a October harvest of basil blossoms and cosmos, or a spring seaside hike bordering a swell of wild lilies of the valley. Yet, no matter the climate, reading about flowers provides a season-less joy and bliss to those who might stumble upon a pressed peach pink peony, laid lovingly in the pages of The Painted Veil by M. Somerset Maugham, or to the person who receives a catalog of old roses, featuring Chateau De Malmaison from David Austin, or the person that seldom tires of dreaming about flowers, lost in the liminal botanical sphere, content with the written words about these delicate creatures, no matter the coordinates of the sun, or the exact location of ones own heart, beyond the garden.

In between the hours of work and play, sleep and wakefulness, dancing and being still, writing and reading, planting seeds and cutting flowers, I conduct a search for signs from the universe, fully aware, that there may be many that we are sorely deficient in sensitivity, imagination and consciousness to perceive. Perhaps these subtle jewel boxes of illumination render themselves mute, appearing as the earliest streaked lavender, roasted sweet potato orange and bleeding pink dawn in the morning, the horizon appearing as we are struggling to rise and challenge the random slights of the work week, or it could be the jasmine flower you discover on the desk by your computer, turning striped royal purple as it dries slowly, learning later, that it was left by a fellow attorney who has knowledge of your love for flowers, or maybe, proof of grace may arrive, as innocuously as the black holographic star decals, a gift sent along with the romper room nail polish you purchased in the mail, or it could be from the positive occurrence of an overdue text message from your beautiful, talented and successful law school roommate in Los Angeles. However, they appear, the ones that please you the most, are the ones you should carry closest to you, for these may be the keys to unlock your dreams, discover your nature and decipher your heart.

Though I often encounter unbounded bliss, dwelling in my garden by candlelight, under the mist laced stars, calmed by the analgesic dance of the palms and the steady flow of the water fountain, I have discovered an equal passion for delicate, fine or potent pieces of jewelry. My earliest memories of jewels are of tiny, delicate, faceted gold bangles, from my grandmother, that I wore on special occasions or events. I remember them mostly from old pictures of when I was four or five living in Sydney, but also recently, when my mother gave them to me, collecting them from the locker, for my little daughter to wear. Other reminisces include the memories of the joy, ceremony and fanfare when my parents gave my sister and I, little opal earrings as gifts, or when my mother lent me petite ruby and diamond flower studs to wear before a party, reminding me of their preciousness and to return them to her for safe keeping later. Perhaps, just as the energy, vibrations, subtle magic, healing and alchemical qualities of trapped fire, air, water and earth exert their influences over us, working in tangent with the myriad other cosmic objects that comprise reality, the wearer of these exquisite, handcrafted and artistic pieces also alter, influence and change the mystical qualities of the jewels. For after, I wear a piece, whether an heirloom, a vintage piece, or a newly commissioned trinket, I sense a change, both in my self and in the inanimate stone and metal. The jewel and the bejeweled act in concert to chase and trap the light, the anklet bells drifting into the music, the diamond engagement ring quietly drawing two souls closer and the emeralds earrings annotating the laughter and erasing the tears. 🎹

A few years ago I stumbled upon a post written by someone who claimed she had been a friend of Layne that also happened to have a crush on him. It’s probably – almost certainly – a fake, but at the time it really struck me and inspired me to write a piece from the POV of this girl named Koa. I still have to translate my fanfiction but, in the meantime, I’ll put her original message under a “read more”, so I can link this to my writing and have this on my blog for me to read every once in a while. If anybody wants to read it: it’s long and there are a few passages that can annoy people who adore Demri or Jerry, so you’ve been advised.  I know that in my heart I just really hope this is somewhat true, that Layne could experience some kind of closure with an individual who didn’t want to exploit him... that’s all.

“First of all, please forgive my anonymity. I was anonymous when I knew Layne and there were lots of reasons for that. I don't know why I chose here, maybe I need to vent or maybe I just want to share a little bit of the truth as I perceived it. (Doubtlessly there are some people who were there at these times and knew things differently. It's the nature of things and I think that this is dictated by how we feel about certain people.)

I knew Layne circa '94 - '99, Demri circa '96 right before she died. I see a lot of conjecture and guessing about the nature of these relationships and it’s bugged me for years. I’m not jumping on this now just because our wonderful Layne is gone as much as because of the conjecture.

Back in '93 - early '94 Layne was seeing this dipshit model who did more harm to him than good. She was wicked to him but Layne was being a dumb kid and he just wanted to date a model, he said to himself when it was over. She wasn’t making a lot of money back then, but she did manage to get a lot of his. She had talked him into putting a lot of big purchases in her name. They broke up around spring - summer '94, or maybe even earlier. It was hard to tell because as many times as he said it was over, she was still going around town telling everyone that they had gotten married.

Layne later said that Demri wasn’t too bothered by this, but I didn’t know her then. Actually I was bothered by it though. ;) I was only then getting to know Layne and I liked him a lot. I was jealous of the model dipshit and I hated her. *sigh*

When they cancelled the '94 tour it was because Layne was afraid. He really freaked out over Kurt a few months before that. He’d had a close call and he didn’t think that he’d be able to stay clean on the road with that lifestyle. At the time, Jerry was very understanding and more than supportive to Layne. They were less like brothers than like a weird married couple. I’m not saying they were gay, lol! But they just often acted like a married couple.

Jerry was REALLY different back then. He loved Layne more than anything, I think even more than Courtney sometimes (Courtney as you all know was Jerry’s on - off gf.) At least, Layne came first. I think Jerry really was sincere, too, at least back then.

I’m not totally sure when that started to change. When they began the KISS tour, Layne had been clean for a (relatively) long time, but I remember he was very scared to leave. He didn’t seem to want to do it because he had a bad feeling about it. He fretted and fretted. One of his friends told him that he’d had an image of Layne trapped in an airplane as it filled with smoke (what a thing to say!) and Layne almost backed out then, but the others talked him into it. He had someone call a psychic for him to make sure that he would be okay.

Layne was okay until the last night of the tour. Personally, I have no idea exactly what happened, but I got a lot of stories. Layne was always really quiet about it. One of his more moronic friends told me that he had actually died, but what little I did get from Layne told me this wasn’t true. He always kept saying that he had “slipped”. Most of what everyone heard then was nonsense. I know he did get an infection because of his very, very stupid way of not looking after things. He became sort of ashamed and let it go longer than he should have. That’s where all the “gangrene” rumors started. He went into rehab after that. Then there was some stuff with his mother that I just can’t share here. Suffice to say that she got the wrong ideas about some things, Layne was hurt by her assumptions and they parted ways for a while.

I understand that Jerry started doing cocaine again around this time. Mind, I never knew him entirely well and I never saw him do it, but it’s what people were saying. Layne was trying to quit EVERYthing at this time (he even attempted quitting smoking) and Sean was still bringing pot around everytime they would get together. Jerry started to stay away from Layne though.

By '96 or so, Jerry was fed up with Layne’s fear of touring. Layne had admitted that he was mostly finished with show business. From then on, he said, he just wanted to do art and make music for his friends. Jerry loved the rock star lifestyle and didn’t want to give it up and he was pissed at Layne. But he never said so outright. Jerry would make these stupid, hazily spiteful remarks like “we’re standing by Layne” and “I love him anyway”. Who wants to be loved “anyway”? And the thing was that Layne was really bouncing back at this time. In spite of all the rumors he WAS clean. He was getting more and more into one of his favorite hobbies too, which was anime (which he helped get me into. Thank you again, Layne. :D ) His anime of choice back then was Vampire Princess Miyu.

Late '96, Demri started backsliding and this was around when I finally met her. Now whether or not Layne ever knew just how much I liked him, I don’t know, but Demri knew. We got along at first. Demri was sweet and helpful and fun. Then she moved in with Layne because she had nowhere else to go. They weren’t dating at the time, just sharing the apartment. Layne had told her that if she started using drugs again he’d have to make her leave. But Demri did start using drugs again, and instead of asking her to leave, because then she would really be in trouble, Layne took a hike. I don’t know where he went though, and even the people who he rented from thought he was still living there. He just didn’t tell anyone that he was leaving.

Demri made a mess of the house and the living situation in Layne’s absence. She turned really different, and believe me when I say that she was not truly the person that she was becoming. When she was herself she was a very sensitive and fun girl. Around October 20th or so she made some phone calls and wrote some letters to some people. Sparing the details, I ended up having a stupid fight with her about Layne. I was somewhat envious of her because Layne always seemed to forgive her each time, and there is something TO that, but at the same time I felt I was right; she was making a mess of things and she was in big trouble. She said something to me, I said something back, and that was it. When I spoke to Layne I was pissed off and crying, and told him what was going on at the house, but he pretty much already knew. That’s when he came back and Demri left.

Demri died on Oct. 29th of '96 of a heroin overdose. She was made weaker by the fact that she’d contracted heart problems from the use of dirty and used cotton when she used heroin. At 26 she was wearing a pacemaker. I remember a few months after she got the pacemaker that certain “friends” of Layne’s were blaming her illness on him. Why? Because she’d been staying at his apartment at the time that she got sick (when he had gone on tour) and, according to them, he hadn’t thought to leave her enough money to buy new bags of cotton for, what, ninety nine cents? Just how much sense does that make? She had her own connections for buying heroin and she could afford that, but it was LAYNE’S fault that she got sick b/c he hadn’t bought her cotton before he left. This is the kind of ridiculous talk he put up with from people who claimed to like him.

Right before Demri died she had been about to move to Hawaii with her father (or stepfather, I forget which.) She was also seeing this new guy that her family hadn’t met. He was a coke dealer. She went out one night with the new bf of hers and she had shot heroin before they left. They went down to QFC and he asked her to wait in the car while he ran into the store to buy a few things. When he came out, he assumed that she was asleep. He drove around town for a while after that not even aware that Demri was dying in the passenger seat. By the time he tried to wake her she was in a coma. That was the night of the 28th. Demri didn’t die till the morning of the 29th, in her mother’s arms at the hospital. I think that Layne always sort of blamed himself for not looking after her, because she did need looking after. Nice she was, but not very independent. Demri never grew up. I have some copies of her poetry. She once called herself “an alien waiting for a ride home”.

Around '97, Layne had moved to the U Dist. He hardly ever saw Jerry anymore, but Mike Inez was still kind of close with him. As for Mike Starr, if you’re wondering, he was living in a crappy old apartment (same building that I used to live in) with his father. One night he and his father were shooting heroin together and his father OD’ed. He lived through it, but they were kicked out of the apartment. Gah, Mike Starr was a weird one. I never met him, but that’s according to people who did. (At the time, Layne didn’t know what happened with MS. I’d heard it from one of the people I knew who also lived there.)

Jerry was totally dogging out then. He seemed to think that because he never shot heroin he was better than Layne. Jerry did do some heroin but he was all about coke, girls, money and fame. I started to dislike him then. You know what he was like? He was like Layne’s pimp, only he couldn’t get Layne to work. Layne was tired of it and didn’t want to do it anymore, and Jerry became very devious in his words and his actions. He’s a different person on coke. He walks around flipping his hair and trying to hump everything he thinks might have a vagina. He’s got this “I’m Jerry Cantrell and you’re not” sort of attitude. He started doing this whole big martyred thing in the press – “I’m standing by Layne, even though it’s making me sufferrrrrrr!” but in private he was slipping the knife in. God. Just thinking about it. >:(

Around '98, Mark Lanegan was living with Layne. Mark and Layne were really cool together. Lanegan was struggling to quit heroin and I would swear to this day that he’s here because of Layne. Layne helped him a lot in a lot of ways. He was always fighting someone else’s battle when he thought he had his beat. Lanegan was really sick for a while and Layne was like a Florence Nightingale. Oh lord, the jokes... ;D They would go out together and a lot of people thought they were gay. Which didn’t bother them though because they took it like one big joke. “Yeah we're gay, wanna join us?” LOL!

I just don’t know what happened after '98 - '99. Things were mellow, Layne was doing really well. He had his cats and a nice place to live and his art and his hobbies. I know that he was at Jerry’s '98 Halloween concert, and had thought about making an appearance there. He was dressed as a monster that night and no one recognized him.

I don’t know what happened after '99. I left Seattle because I was very stupidly stuck on Layne and I knew that probably nothing was going to come of it. I looked a little bit like Demri back then and I always had the feeling that Layne was a little weirded out by that. He only ever made one reference to the fact though, and that was after she was gone.

I moved thousands of miles away, he changed his email address and, though we spoke on the phone a few times since then it was only about little things. During this year I hadn’t heard a thing. But then I was never much more than a witness.

For Layne to die was just sad and wrong, but for him to die alone was just an abomination. By blaming Jerry and the rest of Layne’s “friends” I also have to blame myself for moving so far away and losing touch. On the other hand I also don’t flatter myself that I could have done something for him; I just don’t know if I was that important. But I will say this: Jerry saw this coming. Now you may say that he was just fed up with waiting for Layne to find solid ground once and for all, and I could totally understand that, but you’d be missing the point. Jerry’s almost entirely about money, or at least he was 3 years ago. I’m sure that he’s sad, I’m sure he feels it. But god, if he isn’t just a little gratified also. Jerry always had this “I told you so” thing going on. When Layne would relapse or even admit to weakness in the last few years that I knew them Jerry would get very patronizing and very smug. I’m sorry, but I just can’t stand the man. I hate the way he made people feel, so worthless and small.

I’m sorry, Layne. I made myself get over my stupid feelings for you because I had to, and when I did that I also got over my frustration with the fact that everytime I defended you I had to hide behind anonymity and lose credibility. I never told anyone that I knew you and you used to tell me “don't let it bother you. It’s just talk.” And things like that. I always had faith in you though.

I remember looking out your window at the docks one time while you were on the computer, and I was making you listen to some stupid old song because I thought it was cool. You were making fun of it and you crooned the line “you are so superduper bravissimo” to me like the big goofball that you were. Layne, I was yours for the asking, but you never asked.

That’s all I wanted to say. Maybe I’ll find a little peace now even without credibility, just like you always thought was possible. Don’t forget me though and please continue to be my angel; I know there’s enough of you to go around for everyone.

I love you still, sweetheart, and I’m so sorry.

Always, your brave Koa.”

In 2020

-

I Am I am a university student. I am a cuddler. I am an okay dancer. I am a huge fan of lists. I am a morning person. I am a perfectionist. I am a republican. I am allergic to something deadly. I am an only child. I am catholic. I am content as of this moment. I am currently in my pajamas. I am currently pregnant.

I am currently single. I am embarrassed to be seen with my mother or father. I am currently suffering from a breaking heart. I am okay at styling other people’s hair. I am left-handed. I am married. I am obsessed with my Tumblr. I am online 24/7, even as an away message. I am procrastinating by filling out this list. I am resentful that I have to grow up. I am very shy around the opposite sex. I am, or was, pigeon-toed. I bite my nails. I can be paranoid at times. I carry a weapon with me everywhere I go. I collect picture frames. I currently have a crush on someone. I consider myself to be a ‘nerd’. I currently regret something that I have done/am doing. I curse frequently. I don’t hate anyone. I enjoy country music. I enjoy jazz music. I enjoy smoothies. I enjoy talking on the phone. I have a car. I have a mobile phone. I have a hard time paying attention at school. I have a hidden talent. I have a hobby. I have a lot to learn. I have a pet. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal. I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy. I have all my (real) grandparents, none of them have died. I have at least one brother and/or sister. I have avoided work to play with my Tumblr. I have been in a real relationship. I have been in a threesome. I have been rejected by someone. I have been the “psycho ex” in a past relationship. I have been to another country. I have been to an anime convention. I have been to Europe. I have been to Las Vegas. I have been told that I am very smart. I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor. I have broken a bone. I have caller i.d. on my phone. I have changed a diaper. I have changed a lot over the past year. I have cheated on a significant other. I have counted down the days until the summer. I have dated a best friend’s ex. I have done something illegal. I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color. I have gone scuba diving/snorkeling. I have had major/minor surgery. I have had my hair cut within the last week. I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with. I have had the cops called on me. I have snogged someone I knew I shouldn’t. I have snogged someone of the same sex. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past. I have mood swings. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months. I have rejected someone before. I have seen the lord of the rings trilogy. I have seen the television show the o.c. I have swum in the ocean. I have tried a drug that is illegal. I have tried sushi. I have watched sex and the city. I have watched the television show SpongeBob SquarePants. I know how to shoot a gun. I like being the center of attention. I like eating ramen noodles. I like my handwriting. I like Shakespeare. I like the taste of blood. I like to cook. I like to sing. I like to vacuum. I love learning foreign languages. I love Michael Jackson. I love my friends. I love olives. I love rain. I love sleeping. I love to play computer games. I love to shop. I miss someone right now. I own 100 CDs or more. I own a home. I own and use a library card. I play a musical instrument. I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream. I read books for pleasure. I shave my legs. I sleep a lot during the day. I strongly dislike math. I think Britney Spears is pretty. I think long strings of Html code look cool. I think that pizza hut makes the best pizza. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often. I was born in a country other than the USA. I watch more tv this year than last year. I watch soap operas on a regular basis. I wear contact lenses. I will try anything once. I work at a job that I enjoy. I would classify myself as ghetto. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. I like orange kool-aid. I can name all 7 of the dwarfs from ‘snow white and the seven dwarfs’. I like being at school. I always love wearing sweaters. I love water polo. I am currently wearing socks. I am being nostalgic right now. I hate summer. I am tired. I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt

i have…. been drunk. smoked pot. done ecstasy. done coke. done crack. done heroin. done opium. done pcp. done LSD. done ccc’s. done prescription narcotics for recreational purposes. huffed air-duster. been to a rave. been to a real party. kissed someone. ridden in a taxi. jumped a ramp with a bike. been dumped. been used. shoplifted. ran from the cops. been in a room of your school that you could get suspended for being in been fired. been kicked out of a movie theater. snuck into a movie. been in a fistfight. got hit by a car. fired a real gun. snuck out of your parent’s house. been arrested. gone in a mosh pit. stolen something from your school. celebrated new years in times square. gone on a blind date. lied to a friend. had a crush on a teacher. celebrated mardi-gras in New Orleans. been to Europe. skipped school. thrown up from drinking. played ‘clue’ had a sleepover party. gone ice skating. cheated on a bf/gf. been cheated on. had your tonsils out. been exposed to laughing gas. had a car. driven a car. totaled a car.

do you… feel loved. feel lonely. feel happy. hate yourself. have a dog. have your own room. sing along with your music. dance around the house in your underwear. listen to Hawaiian music. listen to underground hip hop. listen to rap. listen to classic rock. listen to new rock. listen to country. listen to reggae. listen to techno. listen to hardcore punk. listen to pop. listen to r&b. listen to jazz. listen to crooners. listen to bands that can’t be put into a category. have hobbies. skateboard. do aggressive inline. snowboard. ski. surf. skimboard. have more than 1 best friend. get good grades. play an instrument. have slippers wear boxers wear black eyeliner. like the color blue. like the color pink. like the color red like the color green like the color black like the color purple like neon colors like to read. like to write. have long hair. have short hair. have a laptop. have a pager.

are you… bored. happy. bilingual. Hawaiian. blonde a brunette a redhead a darkhead samoan. filipino. Korean. British. white. italian black. inuit mexican. Asian. a christian a muslim a jew a hindu a scientologist an atheist satanist short. tall just right realistic an emo kid sick mad lazy. talking to someone. iming someone. scared to die. buzzed high caffeinated sleepy. annoyed. hungry. thirsty. on the phone. in your room. drinking something. eating something. ticklish. listening to music a virgin.

-

How Girlie Are You?

My toenails are almost always painted. During the summer pretty much the only shoes I wear are flip flops or go barefoot. My favorite toy as a child were Barbies. My favorite color is pink or purple. I did gymnastics. I love skirts/skorts. Hollister is my favorite place to shop. Tight jeans are the only jeans I’ll wear. I love chocolate. TOTAL SO FAR: 4

I straighten my hair. I have at least 8 Facebook pictures. I usually go shopping once a week. I love to hang out with friends. I have a real diamond ring or diamond necklace. I’ve gone to a tanning salon. I’ve gone to the beach to tan - not to swim. I have at least 10 pairs of shoes. I watch(ed) either The OC, Laguna Beach OR Desperate Housewives. I change my profile weekly. I have worn a shower cap. TOTAL SO FAR: 7

I would NEVER step foot into Hot Topic. My cell phone might as well become a part of me. I wear mascara every day. I’ve been or am on a diet. Bathing suits are adorable. I don’t know the difference between a sheep and a goat. Big sunglasses are hot. I have gotten my nails done. I own over 10 purses. Music is one of my favorite channels. TOTAL SO FAR: 11

I like to talk about boys. I like to have other people do my hair. I like to give and receive hugs from all my friends. I hate bugs. Carnivals are so fun! Summer is THE best season. My swimsuit has 2 pieces. I’m waiting for my knight in shining armor. Musicians are hot. You write me a poem and tell me I’m beautiful and I’m all yours. TOTAL SO FAR: 16

I’m self-conscious. I cry often. My room smells like vanilla. My dishes get washed more than once a week. I don’t do sports. I hate to run. I squeal when I am surprised. I eat dried fruit as a snack. I love romance novels. Drew Barrymore is so cute. TOTAL SO FAR: 22

I dance a lot. I usually spend over an hour to get ready to leave my house. My hair is important. I love to get dressed up. Every part of my outfit needs to match. I talk on the phone at least once a day to my friends. I’d love to have a photoshoot of myself. The price of clothes hardly matters. I apply lipgloss 50 times a day. I wish I looked like a model. TOTAL SO FAR: 27

I wish I could meet Paris Hilton. R&B is the best music. I pop my collar. Guys with Mohawks are GROSS! Horses are beautiful. I never pay attention in school. Cats are adorable. TOTAL SO FAR: 29

I write my own music. I would love to visit Hawaii. Valentine’s Day is so cute! White is better than black. I wouldn’t be caught dead in all black. My closet is STOCK FULL of clothes. I hate the grunge look of a beard. I love to read magazines. TOTAL SO FAR: 31

I love to gossip. I love Celine Dion. My baths are 2 hours long. My wedding only needs a groom because it’s already planned. My friends and I are in a strict group. We mostly only hang out with each other. I like kids. Diet drinks are the best. I have been a vegetarian. I refuse to eat at McDonald’s. TOTAL SO FAR: 32

I check my Facebook every day. I have a lot of jewelry. Claire[s] has cheap jewelry. My screen name[s] have X’s in them. Either one of my MSN names has/had <3/♥’s in them. I would never want to be the opposite sex. I have more than 3 pillows on my bed. TOTAL: 34

Below 40 = Not girlie. Above 40 = Girlie. Above 55 = Paris Hilton.

Feminist film recommendations?

Hmm interesting question anon. I will list some of my personal favorites (in no particular order) hopefully you enjoy them.

1. Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

I felt like there was fire in my veins walking out of the cinema. Not only is Charlize Theron’s Furiosa a total badass, but the best thing is that it’s not just her. To have such a range of women portrayed equally and beautifully was so uplifting. Women caring for each other, lifting each other and fighting hard for what is right. We need more of that, both in Hollywood and in life.

2. The color purple (1985)

Read this book in high school, about a sisterhood of women, all standing together against the racism and sexism that they face and somehow coming out on top. It’s an inspiring story of women coming together in the face of adversity.

3. Gone With the Wind (1939)

Scarlett was the most coveted female film role of all time. Despite the films obvious flaws as a result of the time period in which it was made, overall this is a feminist parable. Scarlett is above all else–a survivor. She never gives up, digs her heels in, rolls up her sleeves and does it. She faces adversity with admirable courage. Despite the fact that she is a terribly flawed human being, you can relate to her. She sets her mind to something and she does it, whether it’s dragging her family out of poverty or eating as much BBQ food as she damn well likes. Her flaws make her human, which adds richness to the overall story. Scarlett has inspired me to persevere at the darkest of times. When all hope seems lost, “tomorrow is another day.”

4. Erin Brockovich (2000)

I love Julia Roberts, and this movie stands out as one of her best in my opinion. A single mother, fallen on hard times, but somehow holding everything together. Making the best of a bad situation, an eternal realist. Portraying a woman as much more than she appears. She uncovers some dark secrets (chemicals leaked into the sewer systems) which led an entire community to develop terminal illness. She works tirelessly to expose those responsible and find justice for those who can’t help themselves. My favorite line is when this bitchy secretary says: “maybe we got off on the wrong foot here.”“Yeah lady because that’s all you got, two wrong feet and fucking ugly shoes.” Bahahaha

5. Suffragette (2015)

Tells the story of the women’s right movement at the turn of the last century. It taught me to stand up for myself, and for women everywhere. Very proud to have that as a part of our history. Incredibly grateful to all the women who fought tirelessly, endured persecution, humiliation, incarceration to ensure my right to vote.

6. Pocahontas (1995)

Pocahontas is VERY loosely based on the true story. Disney took a lot of liberties here which mask the horror of early American history and its impact on the native Americans. HOWEVER, what I like about her characterization in this film… Is that she was strong, rebellious, bold, adventurous, and wise. She went wherever the wind took her, a true free spirit. She was graceful, and kind in ways other Disney princesses were not. The purity of her heart and the message she had to bring, stopped a war. She is a warrior, but not one that fights with weapons, she fights with love. In the end she chose herself and her duty to her people over a man. I wanted to be just like her when I was a little girl watching this in the theater, and she still inspires me today, nearly 20 years later.

7. Fried green tomatoes (1992)

I watched this film when I was in high school, with low expectations and was very surprised to discover how moved I was. A story of two women, finding empowerment within oneself. The main character listens to a story from an elderly woman and learns how to love herself. I believe it’s important to encourage other women and learn from each other.

8. Obvious child (2014)

Jenny Slate’s character has an abortion after a one night stand with a guy she actually really likes. However, she knows she isn’t prepared for it and chooses to terminate the pregnancy. There’s great friendship and family in the film and it really helps to destigmatise abortion.

9. Wild (2014)

The book is arguably better, but the film is worth watching. A woman goes out and hikes one of the worlds longest trails, on a mission to find herself and to prove that she can finish what she starts. Finding herself on the elements, and getting clarity. Very freeing and inspiring.

10. Kill Bill 1 & 2 (2003)

Uma Thurman is a boss, and everyone knows it. She is so vice tally connected to her inner life as an actress, always enjoy watching her. These films are what she is most known for nowadays, and for good reason. It’s a story of revenge. A woman is almost murdered by the man she loved, pregnant with his child. Wakes up in a hospital, having been in a coma for years. Suffered all kinds of indignities, she willed herself to walk again. Dragged herself by her fingernails until she could rise up, strengthen her skills as a warrior, and set out to settle old scores. She takes each person down one by one, yet you still find the humanity behind each character and the reasons why they did what they did and became who they were. It’s about survival, perseverance, and ultimately in the end–forgiveness. Leaving the past behind, to start over again.

11. She’s beautiful when she’s angry (2014)

It’s a documentary about the feminist movement in the 1960s and 1970s, with interviews with many of the women who were part of it. Sure, it makes you angry to see injustice, but it’s also highly uplifting to see what these women did, and how it paved the way for equality forty to fifty years later. These women were, and still are, amazing figures who haven’t stopped fighting.

12. How to make an American quilt

A group of older women reflecting on their lives around a quilting table. Each of their stories are so inspiring, and the way they all come together to heal from their traumas is very powerful. Winona Ryder’s character (Finn) is experiencing a late twenties crisis of identity, and is unsure about wether or not to get married to her long term fiancée. Listening to the lives of all these women helps bring perspective and clarity to her. Life is never black and white, life is like a quilt. You build as you go along.

13. Frida

This Selma Hayek-fronted, Academy Award-winning biopic of the feminist icon portrays the artist in a whole new light. It’s amazing to watch the story of any incredible historic figure succeed against the odds, but double if said figure is also a woman and shot so beautifully by Julie Taymor.

14. The hours (2002)

This film follows three women as their lives weave in and around the narrative of Virginia Woolf’s Mrs. Dalloway. The multi-generational movie shows how people are connected through time by similar angst, anxieties, and personal struggles.

15. The Stepford wives (1975)

What happens to women when things are too perfect? The answer might make their husbands happy, but the truth behind what is happening in this ideal-seeming suburb is nothing short of horrifying.

16. Miss Representation (2011)

A documentary on the way women are treated and portrayed in the media, this film broke open the truth behind the images women and young girls are force fed on a daily basis. Start your watching here, if you can, and then continue on to these other films to see how much has and hasn’t changed.

17. North Country (2005)

A fictionalized account of the first majorly successful sexual harassment case in the United States, this film follows the female miners who fought for their right to work without suffering the abuse their male coworkers heaped on them because of their gender.

18. The Headless Woman, Lucrecia Martel

New Argentine Cinema figure Lucrecia Martel draws connections to the country’s dark political/class struggles, transposing its “disappeared” from the mid-to-late ‘70s into a sedate, challenging story about a woman’s fractured state following a fatal accident and its ensuing cover-up.

18. Princess Mononoke, Hayao Miyazaki

A thread of feminism weaves itself through the work of Hayao Miyazaki. Perhaps his most mature film, Princess Mononoke features a memorable and tenacious heroine, San, who subverts feminine stereotypes and is written without the fanciful quirks commonly found in animation. She is serious and single minded. Grounded to the earth, living in the moment. She is totally present, and pure. Even her rage comes from a pure unadulterated place. Wolf-goddess character Moro deserves attention as an unlikely mother figure that is fierce and, well, totally pissed off (you would be too if people were destroying your home), but also wise and nurturing. Fighting for what’s right, against impossible odds. Being humbled by nature, the ultimate female reclamation. So many layers in this film.

19. Dogfight, Nancy Savoca

A rare film set during the Vietnam War and told from the perspective of a woman, Nancy Savoca’s Dogfight reveals a different kind of cruelty people inflict upon one another, off the battlefield — in this case, a group of misogynistic Marines using women in a contest of looks. Lili Taylor’s peace-loving Rose, who becomes one of the targets in this game, soon realizes she’s being courted by River Phoenix’s Eddie for the wrong reasons — though his guilt and seemingly genuine interest in Rose is apparent. Rose confronts Eddie about the game, defending the honor of all women involved, which winds up bringing them closer together.

20. Alien, Ridley Scott

She’s not a sidekick, arm candy, or a damsel to be rescued. She isn’t a fantasy version of a woman. The character is strong enough to survive multiple screenwriters. She was lucky enough to be played by Sigourney Weaver,” said Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America President John Scalzi of Ellen Ripley from 1979’s Alien. Defying genre cinema’s gender clichés (she is gender neutral, really) as the clear-minded, intelligent, and capable officer of the ship Nostromo, Ripley is more resourceful than the men who employ her and steps in to take over when all hell breaks loose.

21. Orlando, Sally Potter

Our own Judy Berman recently highlighted Tilda Swinton’s performance in Potter’s adaptation of Virginia Woolf’s satirical text that explores gender and artistic subjectivity, a project that was ambitious in both form and content:

“Although it’s far more straightforward a narrative than most of her work, Virginia Woolf’s Orlando still presents one major challenge for the big screen: its protagonist is a nobleman in Elizabethan England who lives a life that spans centuries, and is suddenly transformed into a woman midway through it. Tilda Swinton may be the only (allegedly) human actor equipped to play the role of such a regal, mysterious androgyne, and her performance in this adaptation — also a breakthrough for director Sally Potter — became her signature.”

22. The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, Jacques Demy

Celebrated for its vivid milieu, Jacques Demy’s sensitively characterized film is a superior look at an independent woman (Catherine Deneuve) in a romantic narrative who makes difficult choices about marriage, children, and survival that sometimes leave her alone — but she is never lonely because of that.

23. Daisies, Vera Chytilová

The young women in Vera Chytilová’s Czech New Wave farce “construct fluid identities for themselves, keenly aware of their sexuality, toying with the men who pursue them. It’s an exhilarating, surreal, anarchic experiment, framed by the turbulent 1960s.

24. Daughters of the Dust, Julie Dash

Julie Dash directed the first feature film by an African-American woman distributed theatrically in the United States in 1991 — a stunningly captured look at three generations of Gullah women off the coast of South Carolina and Georgia in 1902.

25. Meshes of the Afternoon, Maya Deren

The bar for avant-garde female filmmaking, born from personal experiences and anxieties. Maya Deren’s 1943 experimental classic builds its interior female perspective and constructs of selfhood through dreamlike imagery.

26. The Passion of Joan of Arc, Carl Theodor Dreyer

Critic Jonathan Rosenbaum on Carl Theodor Dreyer’s crowning achievement, released in 1928, that still painfully echoes contemporary cases of female oppression — the film’s silent context taking on an unintentional resonance:

“Carl Dreyer’s last silent, the greatest of all Joan of Arc films… . Joan is played by stage actress Renee Falconetti, and though hers is one of the key performances in the history of movies, she never made another film. (Antonin Artaud also appears in a memorable cameo.) Dreyer’s radical approach to constructing space and the slow intensity of his mobile style make this ‘difficult’ in the sense that, like all the greatest films, it reinvents the world from the ground up. It’s also painful in a way that all Dreyer’s tragedies are, but it will continue to live long after most commercial movies have vanished from memory.”

The Resident (FOX) Masterlist

  *CoNic (In show ship, Conrad x Nic)*

Stupid Spelling Bee ~ ☁️Conrad misses date night.

  *Conrad Hawkins*

The Broken Fall ~ 📬☁️Can you do a Conrad x reader about when they break a bone and he gets worried some how idk

Doctor And Patient ~ You’re one of Conrad’s patients.

Hints ~ 📬☁️Can you write with reader being a nurse and conrad always flirts with her but she does not take him seriously until he confesses in a cute way.

Hospitals, Heroin, and Hikes ~ 📬☔️Can we get a Conrad x reader where maybe she gets attacked and Conrad has to protect her or save her?

I Came Into This Hospital... ~ ☔️Warning: Major Character Death

Missed Phone Calls ~ 📬☔️Can you do a Conrad Hawkins one where him and the reader are married or dating and when he's at the hospital the readers appendix ruptures or something where they get hurt and is taken into chastain and Conrad freaks out and then fluff after their surgery

Thank You, Doctor ~ 📬☔️Could you write a story where Conrad has either a panic attack or a flashback in front of his co-workers, and he starts hyperventilating?

To Get Better (1/2/3) ~ 📚☁️Platonic!Conrad x Child!Reader. Conrad helps you to get better.

Together ~ 📝☁️Max Goodwin (New Amsterdam) x Reader x Conrad Hawkins. You’re in and out of a lot of hospitals because of your condition. Throughout your life and your many trips to hospitals, you’ve gotten close to many doctors. You wake up to two such doctors in New York City.

Waiting ~ 📝Conrad is waiting for you to come out of surgery.

Water ~ 📝☔️You wake up in your hospital bed after more attacks from your illness.

When All Seems Lost, Turn To Your Husband ~ 📬☔️ I was wondering if you could write something where the reader and Conrad are married and they’re both residents and the reader just lost a patient she really cared about and he tries to comfort her but she keeps denying it but in the end she finally needs him?

When He Worries ~ 📬☔️Can we get a Conrad x reader where maybe she gets attacked and Conrad has to protect her or save her?

Why Are You So Nervous? ~ 📬☁️Could write with reader being a paramedic and conrad falls in love with her

You Just Wanted A Nap ~ 📬☔️Could you write an imagine with Conrad Hawkins x reader? Maybe something about the reader being a total badass and they work at the same hospital?

  *Devon Pravesh*

Bet On It ~ 📬☁️Hey! could i request a devon pravesh x reader? anything really goes but maybe them bonding over nic and conrad having their tongues stuck down each others throat and finding an unpredictable love? thank you!

Flirting, Flowers, and Forgiveness ~ 📬☁️For devon x reader? like the reader gets jealous of someone flirting with her boyfriend and he teases her about it?

This sums up pretty closely how I feel about going back to my birth country of the USA after 17 years of living in Europe.

Some years ago, I faced up to the futility of reporting truths about America’s disastrous wars, and so I left Afghanistan for another mountainous country far away. It was the polar opposite of Afghanistan: a peaceful, prosperous land where nearly everybody seemed to enjoy a good life, on the job and in the family.

It’s true that they didn’t work much–not by American standards, anyway. In the United States, full-time salaried workers supposedly laboring 40 hours a week actually average 49, with almost 20 percent clocking more than 60. These people, on the other hand, worked only about 37 hours a week, when they weren’t away on long paid vacations. At the end of the workday, about four in the afternoon (perhaps three during the summer), they had time to enjoy a hike in the forest, a swim with the kids, or a beer with friends—which helps explain why, unlike so many Americans, they are pleased with their jobs.

Often I was invited to go along. I found it refreshing to hike and ski in a country with no land mines, and to hang out in cafés unlikely to be bombed. Gradually, my war-zone jitters subsided and I settled into the slow, calm, pleasantly uneventful stream of life there.

Four years on, thinking I should settle down, I returned to the United States. It felt quite a lot like stepping back into that other violent, impoverished world, where anxiety runs high and people are quarrelsome. I had, in fact, come back to the flip side of Afghanistan and Iraq: to what America’s wars have done to America. Where I live now, in the homeland, there are not enough shelters for the homeless. Most people are either overworked or hurting for jobs; the housing is overpriced, the hospitals crowded and understaffed, the schools largely segregated and not so good. Opioid or heroin overdose is a popular form of death, and men in the street threaten women wearing hijabs. Did the American soldiers I covered in Afghanistan know they were fighting for this?

10 Essential Episodes of Anthony Bourdain’s ‘Parts Unknown’

Over the last five years, Anthony Bourdain brought TV viewers to the most interesting places around the world on his award-winning, game-changing CNN show Parts Unknown. And now, following Bourdain’s death last June, the show is sadly coming to a close. The final season of Parts Unknown will wrap up at Bourdain’s old stomping grounds — the Lower East Side of New York City — this Sunday, November 11, in an episode that will explore the people and places that shaped Bourdain as a young adult.

Parts Unknown had a monumental impact on food and travel TV, most notably because it eschewed coverage of tourist attractions, and focused, instead, on artists, thinkers, and doers around the world, with special attention paid to disenfranchised communities and their hopes for the future. Some episodes were intense, others lighthearted, but the show was always essential viewing.

Here’s a look back at 10 episodes that defined the series, in chronological order:

“Peru”

(Season 1, Episode 7; original air date June 2, 2013): Anthony Bourdain and Eric Ripert let their bromance blossom on camera throughout the filming of Parts Unknown, and, tragically, they were actually shooting a new episode together when the Kitchen Confidential author died in France over the summer.

The Peru episode from Season 1 sets the tone for future adventures to come: The friends eat amazing meals while discussing the great mysteries of the human experience, all the while pushing each other outside of their respective comfort zones. In this case, Bourdain brings his gentlemanly pal to an ancient erotica museum, while the chef coaxes his sarcastic friend into participating in a ceremonial blessing from a local shaman. Along the way, the friends eat Amazon-inspired cuisine at Amaz, sizzling beef hearts on the streets of Lima, and a rustic hen soup at a market in the mountains.

Bourdain and Ripert actually have a bit of business to accomplish on this trip: They hike up to the Andes to meet farmers who are harvesting the cocoa that’s used in the duo’s gourmet chocolate bars. The friends are clearly inspired by working with the farmers, but this experience only leads to more questions. “Do I wanna be in the chocolate business?” Bourdain remarks at the end. “That’s something I’m gonna have to figure out.”

“Lyon”

(Season 3, Episode 3; original air date April 27, 2014): While visiting France’s second largest city, Bourdain and his pal, New York City chef Daniel Boulud, eat their way through tiny bistros, learn the art of sausage-making from a charcuterie expert, and spend a weekend in the company of a proper culinary legend.

The duo’s visit to Paul Bocuse’s eponymous restaurant, where Bourdain, Boulud, and the late Bocuse dine on the legendary French chef’s greatest creations, is arguably the best food sequence in the entire series. Tony refers to this feast as “the meal of my life,” emphasized by his reactions on camera. Later, Bourdain and his chef friends go duck hunting and enjoy a hearty lunch in Bocuse’s lodge out in the country. The episode ends with another rustic family meal, this time with Boulud’s parents at their home just south of the city.

The Lyon episode shows Tony fully enjoying himself in the company of a great friend, while also offering a concise history of the last century of French cuisine.

Read Eater’s full recap here.

“Iran”

(Season 4, Episode 6; original air date November 2, 2014): Throughout its 12 seasons, Parts Unknown often showed audiences what life was like in places that aren’t often featured on Western television: The Iran episode is arguably the most important one in that regard. “All I can tell you is, the Iran I’ve seen on TV and read about in the papers, it’s a much bigger picture,” Bourdain remarks. “Let’s put it this way: It’s complicated.”

Bourdain is immediately surprised by the warm welcome he receives everywhere he goes, and he’s delighted by the hospitality that his hosts extend toward him, especially in their homes. He visits bustling markets, centuries-old places of worship, and parts of Tehran where the locals unwind. Tony also memorably chats with married journalists Jason Rezaian and Yeganeh Salehi about the local way of life. As noted at the end of the show, Rezaian and Yeganeh were both imprisoned shortly after filming this episode in 2014; Salehi was released after a few months, but Rezaian was kept in an Iranian prison until 2016. Bourdain remained a vocal advocate for Rezaian until his release.

After the TV host died, Rezaian told CNN: “The show actually had nothing to do with us being arrested, and if anything I think our appearance there — with really one of the most beloved television personalities, and people, of our generation — raised awareness in a different kind of way that nothing else could have.”

Read Eater’s full recap here.

“Massachusetts”

(Season 4, Episode 7; original air date November 9, 2014): A large chunk of this episode features Bourdain visiting his old haunts from when he was a young, aimless chef bumming around Provincetown. “[I] pretty much had my first everything on the beach,” he says while standing outside of a boarded-up seaside apartment in P-Town. But the real heart of this episode is its second half, when Tony heads west to learn about the opioid epidemic devastating small towns throughout the state.

Tony meets with an undercover narcotics division cop and one of his anonymous sources, as well as a young woman who has stepped back from the brink of heroin addiction and is constantly looking out for addicts in need of help. Tony knows these struggles all too well: One of the episode’s last scenes shows Bourdain talking to a group of recovering addicts about his own past drug use. “I’ll tell you something really shameful about myself,” Bourdain remarks. “The first time I shot up I looked at myself in the mirror with a big grin.”

Read Eater’s full recap here.

“Hanoi”

(Season 8, Episode 1; original air date September 25, 2016): Bourdain clearly loves the capitol of Vietnam, a city he says “grabs you and doesn’t let you go.”

On this very special episode, Tony gets to introduce President Barack Obama to one of his favorite Hanoi activities: eating the pork and noodle dish bun cha and drinking local beer from the bottle. During their convivial meal at a small noodle shop outfitted with stools and tiny tables, Bourdain and Obama discuss the sensory elements of travel, the dining habits of their children, and whether or not it’s ever acceptable to put ketchup on hot dogs (Obama deems that it’s “not acceptable past the age of eight”).

Elsewhere in the episode, Bourdain eats streetside snails in the Old Quarter, and freshly caught squid aboard a steamer ship. The host also chats with a family in a floating fishing village about how the culture and economy in Vietnam are always changing.

Read Eater’s full recap here.

“Houston”

(Season 8, Episode 5; original air date October 30, 2016): Bourdain enters Houston with a goal of ripping up the white-washed image of the city that often finds its way on TV — the one that leans into cowboy hats, the oil industry, NASA, and football. “Close minded, prejudicial, quick to make assumptions about places different than where we grew up,” Bourdain says in the episode’s intro. “I’m talking about me and people like me who are way too comfortable thinking of Texas as a big space filled with intolerant and variably right-wing white people waddling between the fast-food outlet and the gun store.”

During his stay, Bourdain meets with the owners of the Acapulco Ballroom, a popular quinceañera venue for the local Mexican-American community. He visits high school principal and Vietnamese refugee Jonathan N. Trinh, who oversees a student body that hails from 70 different countries. He hangs out with local hip-hop star Slim Thug and learns about local “slab” car culture. And he ends his trip by visiting the Houston Indian Cricket Club, where the game day snacks involve tandoori chicken and “some spicy, tender, and totally delicious curried goat, and made-to-order potato masala dosas.”

Read Eater’s full recap here.

“Rome”

(Season 8, episode 9; original air date December 4, 2016): In a clear homage to filmmaker Pier Pasolini, the Rome episode showcases the working-class neighborhoods of the Eternal City. “This is about people, often extraordinary ones, living their lives in the Rome you don’t see much in the travel guides or TV shows,” Bourdain says at the start of the show.

It’s here, on camera, that Bourdain meets his future girlfriend, filmmaker/actress/activist Asia Argento. They go to a boxing arena where spaghetti is served to attendees during the match. Argento brings him to her home, where they enjoy a rustic meal with her family. And later, they go ambling among the Brutalist ruins of the Mussolini area. Like many of the best episodes of Parts Unknown, Bourdain seems creatively charged by the people and places he meets along the way.

“Rome is a city where you find the most extraordinary pleasures in the most ordinary things,” Bourdain says while dining in a trattoria, “like this place which I’m not ever going to tell you the name of.”

Read Eater’s full recap here.

“Los Angeles”

(Season 9, Episode 1; original air date April 30, 2017): The first Parts Unknown episode to air during the Trump administration is a passionate celebration of LA’s Latinx community, and the immigrant workers who drive so many of the city’s industries. “Los Angeles, like much of California, used to be part of Mexico,” Bourdain says in the intro. “Now Mexico, or a whole lot of Mexicans, are a vital part of us.”

Bourdain meets with community activist Elisa Sol Garcia, tattoo artist Mister Cartoon, actor Danny Trejo, and MMA fighters Nick and Nate Diaz. Throughout his LA sojourn, the host samples some of the city’s myriad Mexican specialties, from tongue tacos to traditional Oaxacan moles to Ray Garcia’s modern cuisine at Broken Spanish, all the while emphasizing the importance of Latinx chefs in the American food scene.

“I worked in French and Italian restaurants my whole career, but really, if I think about it, they were Mexican restaurants and Ecuadorian restaurants, because the majority of the cooks and the people working with me were from those countries,” Bourdain remarks. “That’s who, you know, picked me up when I fell down; who showed me what to do when I walked in and didn’t know anything and nobody knew my name.”

Read Eater’s full recap here.

“Laos”

(Season 9, Episode 4; original air date May 14, 2017): Although he eats some terrific local delicacies in this episode — including steaming bowls of khao soi and charcoal-grilled squid skewers — the majority of Bourdain’s visit focuses on the tragic story of how Laos became “the most heavily bombed country per capita in the history of the world.”

Tony spends a lot of time in Hmong villages discussing the bomb clean-up from the war, and sees, first-hand, why it’s so difficult to remove the unexploded ordnances. Bourdain also explores the country’s complicated relationship with the United States, and meets the aid workers trying to help the country bounce back. “Here, on one hand, we have Americans dropping bombs that at the time blow this child up, and then there are American doctors to put them back together,” Bourdain says.

Read Eater’s full recap here.

“Kenya”

(Season 12, Episode 1; original air date September 23, 2018): A big part of Bourdain’s appeal on Parts Unknown is that he seemingly lived an enviable life, bouncing around the world, surrounded by fascinating people and delectable things to eat. And the joy of this episode is seeing a bona fide Bourdain fan — fellow CNN host W. Kamau Bell — join him on one of his adventures for the very first time.

Tony is a benevolent traveling companion, imparting various bits of wisdom to Bell on his first trip to Africa, and the United Shades of America host seems thrilled to be rolling with Bourdain and experiencing the local culture for the first time. While sitting atop a mountain on safari, with a drink in hand, Bell turns to Bourdain and says, “The idea that I’m sitting here with you doing this now, knowing where my life and career have come, it’s pretty cool.”

The Kenya episode was the first to air since Bourdain’s death, and the last to feature his full participation. It’s a great way to remember this TV legend, particularly because Bell’s commentary highlights the reason why audiences loved Bourdain so much throughout his career: He kept exploring, never talked down to anyone, and always brought us along for the ride.

Read Eater’s Full recap here.

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Source: https://www.eater.com/2018/11/10/18079924/anthony-bourdain-parts-unknown-cnn-best-episodes

Teacher killed himself over crippling anxiety after trekking Himalayas

A teacher killed himself months after suffering a bout of crippling altitude sickness during a trekking trip to the Himalayas with his wife, an inquest heard.Paul Connell, 33, was found dead at the bottom of cliffs near his home in Ramsgate, Kent, after struggling with anxiety following the incident, leaving his family a note reading 'Voices in my head. I'm sorry. Love you all x'. He was travelling through Asia with his wife Lisa last September when he was struck down by the illness at 10,000ft on the Annapurna range in Nepal, which affected him so badly he texted his mother Donna Ayres telling her he wanted to 'throw himself off the mountain'.Although he was airlifted to hospital and appeared to have recovered, Mr Connell and his wife returned home to Kent months later due to his homesickness.He was taken straight to hospital by his mother after landing at Heathrow after she described him as 'looking like a heroin addict'.The inquest was told he was in and out of hospital between February and March and had tried to contact his GP 21 times the day before he died on March 26. Paul Connell, right with wife Lisa, killed himself months after developing altitude sickness while the couple were trekking the Annapurna range in Nepal in October 2018, picturedThe former teacher, 33, pictured with his wife in Vietnam, began to suffer from anxiety following the incident and while awaiting treatment in Nepal texted his mother Donna to say he wanted to 'throw himself off the mountain' Mrs Connell, pictured with Paul, said she wants to warn others of the dangers of mental health problems after her husband struggled to get treatment when back home in KentMr Connell, pictured left with Lisa on their wedding day in 2014 and right in Sri Lanka, was described as a 'really happy guy' before the altitude sicknessIt is not the first time altitude has been linked with mental health problems, with Olympic gold medallist Victoria Pendleton previously revealing she suffered depression after attempting to climb Mount Everest last year.She said oxygen deprivation up the world’s highest mountain left her feeling suicidal.Meanwhile research published in the Harvard Review of Psychiatry in 2018 found people living in high-altitude areas of the United States are more likely to commit suicide and suffer depression.Mrs Connell has now spoken out to warn others to watch out for the signs of mental health decline.The 35-year-old said: 'Paul was a really happy guy, he had a great life and he wasn't suffering with depression or anxiety.'It was something that happened really fast, really intensely over such a short space of time.'This can happen to anyone, it can happen to the strongest of people physically and mentally.'Someone can change, something can suddenly snap in someone's head. You just never know.'Mr and Mrs Connell were travelling on a trip-of-a-lifetime to Nepal and set out in September last year. The couple met in Australia, pictured, in 2012 and married two years later. They previously lived in Vietnam where they worked as English teachers An inquest in Canterbury heard Mr Connell, pictured with his wife in Nepal, had not displayed mental health problems before the trek The 33-year-old, pictured in Thailand, initially recovered after being airlifted to hospital, but became homesick after several more months travelling in AsiaThey were due to spend two months in the area, but Mr Connell suddenly began suffering panic attacks and severe anxiety and was unable to sleep.While he was up there, he texted his mother to say he wanted to jump off. WHAT ARE THE LINKS BETWEEN ALTITUDE SICKNESS AND POOR MENTAL HEALTH ? Altitude sickness is when breathing becomes difficult because there is a lack of oxygen at high altitude.  Altitude sickness, also called acute mountain sickness (AMS), can become a medical emergency if ignored.It normally develops between six and 24 hours after reaching altitudes more than 3,000m (9,842 feet) above sea level. Victoria Pendleton struggled with depression after developing altitude sickness and signs of hypoxia while trying to climb Mount Everest, picturedSymptoms are similar to those of a bad hangover, according to NHS, including headache, nausea and vomiting, dizziness, tiredness, loss of appetite and shortness of breath.At high altitude, the body is trying to compensate for the lack of oxygen in other areas of the body. A lack of oxygen leads to deterioration and eventually death of cells. This is referred to as hypoxia.Hypoxia, a condition is known to affect Everest climbers, can initially cause confusion and poor decision and is linked to poor mental health.According to scientific literature, the initial mood experienced at altitude could also be euphoria, followed by depression. With time, individuals may also become quarrelsome, irritable, anxious, and apathetic. Research has found that rates of depression and suicide are greater for those living in high altitudes. In 2018, Victoria Pendleton, a former British Olympic, said she had suffered severe depression and had contemplated suicide after her failed Everest expedition. She later split from her husband.Her expedition in April 2018 ended when Ms Pendleton showed signs of hypoxia.     Mrs Connell said that her husband became so unwell so quickly that he paid for a helicopter to take him back to the foot of the mountains.The Annapurna Range is one of the most hazardous to climb in the world.The peaks - which include the world's tenth highest mountain, Annapurna I Main, kill almost a third of those who attempt to climb them with 61 deaths out of 191 summit ascents.In October 2014, at least 43 people died as a result of snowstorms and avalanches on and around Annapurna, in Nepal's worst ever trekking disaster.After leaving the Himalayas Mr Connell rapidly improved.He recuperated for several months as the couple moved on to travel in India, before he slipped into a spiral of depression and insomnia from which he never recovered.Struggling to sleep, Mr Connell flew home to Ramsgate in the first week of February, where he was rushed straight from the airport to A&E at the QEQM Hospital in Margate by his mother.She told an inquest into his death he looked 'like a heroin addict' when she met him off his flight.Mr Connell had counselling but struggled to get a grip on his anxiety and doctors were left baffled by his case because he had never suffered from mental health problems before the Himalaya hike. The inquest at Canterbury Coroner's Court found Mr Connell killed himself on March 26.Mr Connell met his wife in Sydney in January 2012, while both were working in Australia.The pair bonded over a shared love of travelling and adventure, and went on to travel around South East Asia before settling in Hanoi, Vietnam, working as English teachers.They married in July 2014, in a small ceremony on a beach in Vietnam, which Mrs Connell described as 'perfect'.They made their home in Vietnam but came back to visit family during Christmas 2017 after Mr Connell's elder sister Aimee was diagnosed with cancer.She died on Christmas Day, but Mrs Connell said her husband had been coping with the death.It was this that inspired the pair to go travelling once again - and tick some places off their bucket list including Nepal and India.But it was about six weeks into their trip to the Himalayas that Mr Connell became ill.Mrs Connell said her husband returned home in February after struggling to sleep. His mother Donna then took him straight to hospital after claiming he 'looked like a heroin addict' Although he tried to get treatment for anxiety and depression, he was unable to get a bed at a private treatment facility and was not recommended for specialist NHS services after an initial assessment Mrs Connell, pictured with Paul on their wedding day, said her husband continued to suffer from panic attacks despite being given medicationMrs Connell, of Derry, Northern Ireland, said: 'Once he came off that mountain he was the same normal happy Paul again.'He embraced the first few months of India, he was happy.'But when the pair were in Bangalore in January, Mr Connell stopped sleeping once again.Mrs Connell said: 'He just become so frustrated and anxious. Paul woke up at 4am one night and said he needed to go home.'I thought we could just go somewhere really quiet, but he just had it in his head he wanted to go home.'Mr Connell returned to the care of his family, but had said he would try and get better so he could rejoin his wife.However she was so worried about him, she ended up flying back to the UK five days later.When she saw him she was shocked by his condition.Mr Connell, pictured in Nepal, even tried to injure himself with a rock while in and out hospital earlier this yearShe added: 'I could see that he was still having panic attacks, and this is the point he started talking about dark thoughts.' Mrs Connell took him to hospital again, and said he began crying and pleading with doctors: 'If you have to sedate me, sedate me, just please make me sleep.'They carried out physical checks on Mr Connell, but could not find anything wrong.Mrs Connell said: 'We were hoping something physical would show up. Something which would explain Paul being like this, because this person was no longer the Paul we all knew and loved. It was like a different person.'While in hospital he tried to injure himself with a rock.He was given anti-depressants and sleeping pills, but the inquest heard that although he had seen a counsellor the day before his death he was not recommended for further mental health assessments from specialist services.Mr Connell said he wanted to go to a psychiatric treatment centre called The Beacon in Ramsgate, where patients are monitored closely, but there was no space.The couple went to Mrs Connell's sister's house in Newcastle, Northern Ireland, in late February, in the hope a change of scenery would help. The couple, pictured in India, also went to see Mrs Connell's family in Northern Ireland to try to benefit from a change of sceneryMrs Connell said: 'We thought it would be good to come back here and relax and have some quiet time with my family.'It was the first time my sister and her husband had seen him in a long time, and they couldn't believe the change in him.'It was like a completely different person, Paul was really anxious.'His whole demeanour had a really nervous energy, an uncomfortable look. His eyes were kind of glassy.'He had to leave early, as a counselling space had come up.The pair continued to speak every day on the phone, while Mr Connell took his medication, saw his therapist and spent time with his parents. However a month later he took his own life after making 21 attempts to call his GP, but his calls failed to connect.DS Paul Deslandes investigated the circumstances surrounding Mr Connell's death and told the inquest that two dog walkers found Mr Connell lying face down on the beach 50ft below.Members of the public attempted to revive him for 15 minutes before paramedics arrived and took over CPR but he died 25 minutes later. The inquest at Canterbury Coroner's Court ruled Mr Connell, pictured with his wife in India, took his own lifeCoroner James Dillon ruled that Mr Connell had taken his own life.Mrs Connell said: 'I think the biggest thing is to listen to someone who is starting to speak out about it.'And listen to what they are asking for, because they know themselves what they are capable of dealing with.' Helen Greatorex, chief executive of the Kent and Medway NHS and Social Care Partnership Trust, said: 'We were so very sad to hear of the tragedy of Paul's death.'Our thoughts and sincerest condolences are with his family and those who loved him.'We have, as everyone would expect, commenced a detailed review in to what happened in the lead up to the tragedy and are doing this in partnership with other agencies who knew Paul.'We will ensure that in particular, Paul's family are able if they wish to include questions to which they would like answers.'We will share the final report with both Her Majesty's Coroner and Paul's family.' For confidential support call the Samaritans on 116123 or visit a local Samaritans branch, see www.samaritans.org for details. 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Trisha McFarland for A Year of Theme Posts

Trisha McFarland from The Girl who Loved Tom Gordon (1999) by Stephen King for May 27, 2017 May, 2017 Heroine Theme.

In The Girl who Loved Tom Gordon the main character Trisha McFarland is on a hike with her Mother and older brother and after getting sick of listening to them argue (Trisha’s Mother is divorced from her Father and most of the arguments steam from that) she breaks away from them to go pee without anyone seeing. When Trisha tries to find her way back to the trail she only gets herself further into the woods. 

After her initial panic passes Trisha begins to look for a way back to the trail, but like her first attempt only gets herself further away. She does have a basic knowledge of what is safe and unsafe to eat and after going through her meager supplies (the egg, Twinkies, chips, and other snacks were supposed to be lunch) and manages to keep herself alive by rationing her food and getting lucky with finding more water after her bottle empties. The first time she finds water though it does make her violently sick until her body gets used to it. 

Trisha’s luck with finding food and water doesn’t go as far as protecting her from her own fear or from getting her out of the woods quicker. She believes that a creature she calls the God of the Lost is following her through the forest and sees evidence of it being nearby in the form of a disemboweled deer and a torn apart fox. 

After being lost in the woods for ten days Trisha emerges in New Hampshire (she started in Maine) and is found by both a hunter and the God of the Lost wearing the shape of a bear. Using her Walkman which was the only thing keeping Trisha tethered to the rest of the world through the Red Sox games she throws it at the bear hitting it in the nose before the hunter can shoot it. She then passes out. 

After the hunter gets her to the hospital Trisha wakes up to find her Mother, Father, and older brother with her and attempts to tell them how she survived the woods, but falls asleep before she can get too far.  

Life story

I was born in Syracuse, NY on July 23,1993. My first memories are with my family at get togethers or birthday parties. My childhood was good Id say. The first real influential events that happened to me were breaking my femur playing football and my parents getting divorced. Both happened around the same time. I broke my leg and was given Vicodin to come home with. I wouldn't take them more than prescribed but I remember really liking when it was time to take them. Then I healed from my injury and continued playing sports which gave me friends that were popular. I didn't ever feel like I had much else in common with these popular kids besides Im good at sports. In 9th grade I went to a party with girls (big deal) and I was offered marijuana for the first time. I said yes I would like to and that was the first drug I tried. I had been shown some very high quality weed in computer class which was 9th-12th grade. After smoking it for the first time I immediately fell in love with it. I bought some myself. It was nothing like what I was shown by the senior who sat next to me. But the saying was “Dirty town dirty brown” in reference to scummy people who sold people dirt weed. But none the less I started regularly smoking marijuana, listened to grateful dead and grew my hair long. I had a fairly serious girlfriend at the time who hated when i smoked weed and I became seriously depressed, put on anti depressants and took about 25 Codeine/Tylenol pills that were my mothers, then about 10 tylenol pms and advil. I was taken to the hospital with an overdose. I had a psychiatric evaluation and they said I needed to go to the Psych Hospital across the street. They strapped me to a stretcher and took me to where would be my home for the next 42 days. I recovered physically after a day or two but was still severely depressed because of the lack of communication with my girlfriend and seemingly imminent break up following. This was my first treatment environment. I made friends and had a fun break from school while playing videos games, gin rummy, and basketball (no one would play with me which made me look like i was “Improving” to the staff which I knew were writing notes on all of us.) I was discharged and went back to school. Tried to keep up on work and play lacrosse (my favorite sport) again. In December of that year I smoked weed again with my friend and had two or three beers and played mario kart. His dad got mad at him because he didn't want me to go crazy and kill myself. I wasn't as depressed but became verbally and physically abusive to my dad and there were incidences where police had to intervene and I was trying to run away weekly. At the end of the school year I was smoking as much weed as before the suicide attempt. I asked my friend if I could sleep over and smoke weed with him and he said my mom called his mom and said i couldn't stay over which seemed really strange. I awoke at 3 am with two large men and my mom and dad in the same room (something i hadn't seen in 3 or 4 years) and they said to come with them. The drove me to the airport and we flew to washington dc. then las vegas, then we drove to Kanab Utah and they gave me clothes and a backpack and let me out on the trail with a bunch of other kids with wilderness hats and clothes and giant backpacks. I felt like I was in the movie Holes. I started hiking with them and kind of liked the freedom. But I was having severe hallucinations (some as bad as seeing the devil in the middle of the night) and couldn't control my bowel movements. I was in the desert for 70 days when my dad picked me up and it was great to see him, my family had visited me for a day and it was a beautiful experience for us I think. We had a long drive and a long talk on the way to Discovery Ranch, a place for troubled boys and girls mostly coming out of wilderness. Here I went to school, raises calfs. Did lots of cleaning and chores and played basketball on saturday. I was here for almost a year and when I turned 18 it was time to move to the next place. This one being in Idaho. Here I graduated high school and volunteered at thrift stores and ate organic food and started smoking cigarettes. I got to go home Dec 12, 2012. When I got home I was walking to the store for cigarettes when I saw an old friend and he invited me to a party. I went and had a few beers and smoked weed. My parents bought me an apartment to live in by myself. This summer I went to a lot of parties one which got broken up by the cops and i almost got arrested. Then I asked my friend if he could get me heroin, which he did and that was the first time I tried heroin. I was 20. Then in the fall I went to college and smoked a lot of weed and got hammered and did minimal school work. It was an unsuccesful attempt to lead a normal life. That summer my friend came home from school and we decided we were going to do heroin again. So thats what we did and we had a connect and a dealer and I used heroin almost daily and at this point i was still snorting it which i was ridiculed about. Him and I delved into heroin as deep as we could go and did hopeless desperate things to get heroin. I asked him to shoot me up and he did, it was december and I could see the Christmas tree in the park in Syracuse just a block or two from where I was born, and the pysch hospital. Him and I continued to shoot up almost daily and I met another friend who could get me cocaine as well as heroin and knew the ins and outs of the life. Something that i felt i was above, directly buying it, going into homes. I never did that, I drove where they said to go and gave people rides for free heroin. In Febuary I went to inpatient rehab for the first time. I threw up 7 times before they decided I needed suboxone. I did the full 30 days and was sober now for the first time since coming back (3 years). I was landscaping making a fair amount of money when I relapsed. I quit my job and started shooting heroin again. I had a dishwashing job once a week where i made 80-100 dollars one night a week which was enough at first with the money from landscaping and scamming and giving people rides. I was in very rough shape when I went back to rehab. I did 12 days and came up to New Hampshire where I was in an intensive sober house where i could re enter society safely. I went to meetings, got a sponsor and did all 12 steps. I worked hard at my minimum wage jobs and I gained my love for life back. I felt better than I had since I was playing sports with my friends in middle school. I got a girlfriend and hung out with her as much as possible after I got out of the house. I deliver pizza now in the town I went to the sober house in and I am very happy with my life. I have two sponsees, my family back, a girlfriend whom I want to grow old with and close to two years sober from EVERYTHING. If this isn't a testement to the twelve steps I dont think anything could convince anyone to seek help. I am very eager and excited to see where life takes me in the future and I love my life today.  THANKS FOR READING.