#holding myself accountable for being lazy
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i will b writing soon i promise
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The time is now
So I know a lot of y’all have prob been in the manifestation and/or shifting community for a hot minute, most of us a year or more. (Trust me, I’ve been in the shifting community for 3 years and the Law of Assumption community for 2 years, 3 if you count the horrible yet canon event of Law of Attraction 💀). So it’s been a while and I know how you feel. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. But at one point or another, you need to get out of the victim mindset and own up to why you haven’t manifested your desires, entered the void state, or shifted after a year or more of having a plethora of knowledge at your disposal. I’m applying this to myself as well, so don’t think I’m attacking anyone or being hypocritical. But in all seriousness, when is the last time you really tried? Be honest. And I don’t mean when’s the last time you said affirmations here and there for a few days and didn’t persist or live in the end for a substantial amount of time. Or that time you “thought” about shifting right before you rolled over and went to sleep without setting so much as an intention. But here’s the thing, I’m not telling you to try harder or do more, not in the slightest, because shifting and manifesting and entering the void state is supposed to be simple and easy if you accept that fact and let it. No, the advice and wake up call I’m trying to give is, put in a little more effort, have an INTENTION, and stop being lazy. Like seriously. Aren’t you TIRED???? Aren’t you done living this bullshit life and circumstances and not having your manifestations you dreamed so hard for? Aren’t you tired of not shifting and living in your dream desired reality doing whatever the hell you want?? Aren’t you tired of not waking up in the void state and waking up to the same lifestyle? Aren’t you sick of it? Then do something about it. We are almost done with 2023. 2024 is right around the corner. No way we’re letting YET ANOTHER year pass us by without accomplishing what we’ve been trying to do, and what we came here to do. Enough is enough. You are manifesting your dream life, you are shifting, and you are waking up in the void state or all of the above if you’re like me. I don’t care what you have to do. I’m so tired of y’all not living your dream lives like in what universe do you think that’s okay or acceptable bc it’s not. I know for some of you it’s been so long you don’t see the point and it’s hard to stay disciplined or motivated. So in the comments section anyone that needs to be kicked in gear daily until you get your shit needs to comment and I want all of you to hold yourselves accountable. Someone commented they want to shift to their Hogwarts DR? Okay, remind them every single day to shift and not stop until they do, and let that serve as a reminder to you as well. Ofc if you need to take breaks you always should do that, but if you’re in the right frame of mind to keep going and not stop, do it. The time is now. No more procrastinating. No more “I’ll wake up in the void tomorrow” no bitch DO IT TODAY. Goddamn it. This is your LIFE we’re talking about not a game and you think it’s okay to postpone your desires for another minute??! Hell no. Get off your ass and do what you need to do. Hold yourself accountable to the best of your abilities. Stop complaining about it bc all that time you used to complain could’ve been used to affirm or focus on your shifting or void state self concept, whatever steps it may be to lead you closer to your end goal. I know you’re tired and drained fucking trust me I know how hard the journey has been, but maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard if we had just buckled down from the start and done what we needed to do and figured out what worked best for us and stopped listening to people that are close minded with limiting ass beliefs. So from this point on, starting IMMEDIATELY, you are not going to waste another day. Haven’t tried to shift in over a year and a half like me? (I took a “shifting break” in May 2022💀), or however long it’s been?
Idc, looks like tonight’s your night and every single night after until you fucking shift. Haven’t tried to enter or wake up in the void state for a hot minute? (I stopped in July bc it was low key ruining my mental health the way I was obsessing over it). Oh, cool, looks like you and I are attempting tonight no ifs ands or buts. NONE. Consider this a challenge. It’s called “Get your desires before 2024” if you’re manifesting, “Tap in the void state before 2024” if you’re trying to enter the void state and manifest your dream life that way, or “Reality shift before 2024” if you’re shifting. It’s early November and if we really persist the entire time this is more than achievable. So, the only rules for this is to either in the comments section of this post or in your own separate post you’re going to document your journey from here on out and update once you’ve finally done it. Every single day (unless ofc like I said you need a break or life happens and you for whatever reason can’t, I get it shit happens lol). I’ll even be doing it with you, so stay tuned for that. No more over consuming info you already fucking know. Use all your free time you possible can or just utilize night time wisely if you only do shit before bed. We’re done. We’re getting our shit. And if you don’t participate I will personally come over and beat your ass bc YOU DESERVE TO LIVE YOUR DREAM LIFE not daydream about it, not sit around wising and hoping for it but actually fucking living it. And idc what I have to do to get the message across. So with that being said, do the “challenge” or however you want to view it and I love you and you got this. 💕
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Hello. I know this will sound super weird and probably rude because why tf would I come to a stranger with my personal problems? But I wanted to ask for advice, if that’d be okay? I remember you saying you suffered from depression, and managed to deal with it and work on it enough to get somewhat past it. Depression ruined my life completely. I’m 30 with absolutely nothing to show for it, not even a degree. I have tried so so many things, but nothing seems to help me. I promise that I keep fighting with all I’ve got, and I’m not really asking about what to do or something like that, but I want a sincere opinion, if that’s okay. Do you think I can still turn my life around somehow? Do you think I can still try to start over at this age? Start going to uni again even with the pressure that I need to have kids soon as well before it’s too late? With the pressure that I might fail again if my menthol eelness gets too bad again? Is it too late for me to have big dreams of ever living up to a potential I could’ve had if not for this stupid disease?
Hi anon, I think you're completely fine. Life is not a race, there is no medal at the end of it for all the XP maximizers. You're not gonna get a Goodest Girl award for doing uni at 20 or for not having Being Sad Debilitatingly DiseaseTM. It's really OK. Your pace is your own and the amount of progress you can have with yourself in 1 month can be equivalent to the progress a 20yo girlie has in 5 years, it's all good. Time is not the most important factor in the Happiness and FulfillmentTM equation.
That being said, I'm sensing a lot of fomo/expectations stress(?) from ur text. What do u mean "I NEED to have kids"? That's not something you "need" to have, it's something you should WANT to have. You shouldn't feel pressured by time (or anything else) to have kids, you can have them later in life if that's something you aspire to, it's fine. iirc nowadays around 25% of births are by women who passed the age of 35 (and the rate+age is increasing), you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
You can turn your life around at any given point in time. You can do it at 20, at 30, at 50, it doesn't matter. Again, the universe won't hand you an award for getting your shit together sooner than later, we're all going to die as the same, medium quality slab of meat. Will you maybe feel like you could've done it sooner and save yourself the time and misery? Sure, but that isn't going to get u anywhere, yesterday is over bestie there's only now and tomorrow, and that's plenty of more time!
From my experience, depression is informed by both internal and external factors, and, most annoyingly, the internal factors are informed by the external factors as well. You feel the way you behave and live. If you treat yourself like shit you're gonna feel like shit. If you behave in ways that encourage negativity (angry, resentful, spiteful, selfish, lazy etc) it'll affect you negatively. Depression also encourages you to be comfortable with yourself (ironically) in a way that inhibits growth and learning: I don't have to hold myself accountable to doing chores or taking a shower or eating well or doing homework or working on my project or even going to work, I'm depressed! This doesn't happen consciously imo, you don't actively decide "I'm not gonna take a shower cause I'm depressed", you sort of slip into the mood of not taking a shower, and the excuse your brain gives you for that is "oh well, that's depression for ya" and the cycle continues. The uncomfortable zone is the place where YOU ACTIVELY catch yourself doing that, and doing something else, uncomfortable, instead (like taking a shower despite feeling like you REALLY don't wanna). This ofc applies to literally everything in life, not just showers. Depression actively keeps you in your comfort zone, where you don't have to do anything that makes you feel anxious, nervous or UGH-y, and provides you with a wonderful excuse.
Your life will start taking a turn for the better once you free yourself from the prison of comfort your brain put you in, and start actively seeking out and completing activities that make you uncomfortable. Start taking care of your skin daily. Put those moisturizers on your face. Clean your place, declutter your surroundings. Dont eat food straight from the fridge like an animal, put it in a bowl and sit down and eat. Cook for yourself, stop relying on the comfort of instant trash. Move your body more, take walks outside, preferably around nature/parks, even if it requires a bit of travel to get there. Invest in your own fucking stocks, your looks, your health, your well being. Nothing will ever happen if you won't actively make it happen, and you will never feel good about yourself if you don't start taking yourself seriously. You give your Sims the best lifestyle with food, health, clothes and hobbies, why not yourself?
Make a routine for yourself and stick with it. Eat your meals at the same time every single day. Wake up and go to sleep at the same time every day. Give yourself a structured framework to live by so that your brain can feel like there's order in the chaos, trust me it's a big deal. Start working out, and make it a routine. For the love of God, PLEASE start working out! It doesn't have to be super long or complicated, but moving your body is essential for both your mental and physical health, and if ur so worried about the time "wasted" on being Sad SickTM then the solution is in prolonging the time and the quality of time you have left, and that can be done optimally through exercise and good food habits. You have no idea what kind of physical and mental changes a well structured workout program (that you stick to as part of your routine) can bring, at any age. It can also count a hobby and give you measurable little goals to reach.
In short: taking responsibility over myself and owning up to my (in)action, having a set routine and bedtime/waketime, a good diet, working out and taking care of myself are what eviscerated years of depression for me. I obviously don't know your personal situation but I (and the field of cognitive behavioral therapy) feel like these factors^ are the most common denominator in all of us feeling like shit, and play such a huge role in every human person's wellbeing and they're universal across the board.
I highly encourage you to watch this, and take notes:
youtube
Hope I helped somehow and Goodluck anon! There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, I promise.
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Champagne problems | Dawson Mercer x Fem Reader
Summary: Dawson and Harper(you) get in a heated argument, but you have a past in being left alone. Dawson makes it up to by dancing in the kitchen at night, and it ends up leading to something else.
Warnings: makeup s*x, unprotected, crying, language, not proof read
PLS NOTE: I don’t think Dawson Mercer would ever LIKE EVER make someone feel this way (and idk why he would get angry abt this but he did so yuhh)
I got kinda lazy towards the end- sorry in advance🫶
You book the night train for a reason
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME HARPER!” Dawson yells out from our room. I hear his Newfie accent pop out. I think it’s so cute. Then. I hear pound stomps from upstairs in our home. He comes running down the stairs. He turns to face me as he scurries over at me.
Dawson throws my phone that was once in my hand and now is on the other side of the white couch, which I was comfortable sitting on. He never screams at me. I’m scared.
I’m scared.
I run for our dog, Mila. I grab our black lab and pick her up. Mila holds onto me as I run up the stairs with her. I don’t care about my phone, I need to lock myself away. I don’t even know what I did. But I’m is I’m terrified.
I dropped your hand while dancing
I run into the bathroom without a word said. I hear soft foot steps walking towards the bathroom. It’s not just a bathroom, it’s the place where we would take baths together, or when I get to drunk and he would hold my hair back when I throw up, or when he would get sick and I would shower with him.
This isn’t a home, not right now atelast. It’s a madhouse.
I’m not ready. It’s been a strong 2 years together, we have never been through a big fight where I felt I was threatened. I’m so scared I hold on to Mila, I feel like I’m going to throw up.
“please, Harper, open up. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that. But I’m upset, you pulled out like $200 out if the shared account.” Dawson has a good point to be mad at me. But he has to understand that it’s for bills. I just bought the house, it’s under my name.
“I’m sorry.” I say, and there I go. A tear is shed. Not only one, but it turns into many. I’m now bawling my eyes out. He bangs on the door. I know he’ll get mad if I don’t open the door, but I’m not ready to see him, because I truly feel guilty, but I cannot pay for the bills and in general everything on my own.
“I’m not mad anymore, I’m going to be upset if you don’t open the door baby. Are you hungry?” Dawson says in absolute despair.
My stomach dropped about 12 minutes ago, and I still can’t seem to grab it and put it back in place, my heart is doing somersaults- in a terrible way, not in a lovestruck way, more of a numbing pain. My head is pounding. I hear birds chriping through the bathroom window. I unlock the door taht im sitting against. I let Mila walk out, and I grab air. Then I walk into our bedroom. I open windows.
Love slipped beyond your reaches
And I couldn’t give a reason
Champagne problems.
I change into Dawson’s boxers, they have SpongeBob patterns on them, I picked it out. I throw on my sleep shirt. I tie my hair into a messy high bun, I let my neck hit the cold outside breeze. It’s offseason, Dawson and I are getting ready to travel back to his family’s home in a week. Right now, I’m not sure if I wnat to go.
I hear sizzling from the kitchen downstairs. And the smell of cheese, and toast. Is it Grilled cheese?
“BUBBA?!” Dawson yells out for me.
He walks up the steps with a green plate, and he steps into our room, he sees me against our bedroom wall that faces the entrance of the room. The window is above me, he come towards me. Grabs the grilled cheese and splits it.
“Did you know you look gorgeous.” Dawson says, not in a question format, but more of a statement. He opens my mouth and wipes the tear that had fell from my eye. He sticks the grilled cheese into my mouth and he looks at me, and smiles. I see his toothless corny smile. I love him.
“Come here. Baby I didn’t mean to get at you like that.” He says as he grips onto his blue t-shirt and wipes my mascara away.
“it’s my fault.” I say. I don’t want him to leave me.
We finish eating as he explains how it’s okay to take out money,but he should be able to pay, not that I should sneak the payment. He grabs my hand and he takes the plate that he placed the delicious grilled cheese on and placed it into the clean sink. He turns me around and he’s sits me on the cold counter.
“You look sexy.” He says and again, I hear his newfie accent pop out. I’m head over heels for him.
“In SpongeBob boxers?” I say sarcastically and I laugh away my sadness.
“Yes. Anything that you’re in, makes you extra sexy. And..” he says as he trails off as he nibbles at my neck. He kissed my index finger and trailed up to my left ear. I can feel his stubble.
He pushed up against me, and he kissed me. He then picked me up from the counter and twirled me down to the floor. And he continued to French kiss me. He tugs at my waist as he he tucks his head onto my neck. He’s 6”0 body leans into my 5”2 figure.
“I love you.” He whispers into my ear as he sucks into me, I’m sure there is a big bruise awaiting to be seen by his fellow teammates at holding tomorrow. Dawson is missing a tooth, but he’s still really good at giving hickeys. He starts to sway. Ironically, he starts to humthe words of champagne problems. He’s such a girl dad- not yet.
We dance in the kitchen for like an hour as we just talk. The beautiful daylight blue sky turned into a black sky lit by stars. He grabs me and sits me down on the couch that we met at earlier today.
Mila has her own bed in our bedroom, but for today she sat in her own room that she has in the main level right next to the kitchen. Dawson locks Mila in her bedroom and he sets her asleep with her night time water. He grabs me and carry’s me up the stairs. It’s like we are re-living our day.
He pushed me down the bed. He has one hand on my mid torso. And he slides his hand up, up toward my cleavage. He takes a hold of his SpongeBob boxers and slides them off. He smoothly takes my shirt off. He apply little pressure on my shoulders, an my bra is off my chest. He looks at my breast like it’s the first pair he’s ever seen. His face lits up in an eager smile. And once again I see his toothless expression. He takes my nipple into his fingers and twist them.
My breast is really tender from crying earlier today so I let out a little wince. Dawson looks down at me ready to study every little mark I have on me. He takes his shirt off. In a swft motion his shorts are also off. I see his face black boxers, but it’s accompanied by a large tent in the middle of his legs. He’s getting off by me in pain. Wierd kink.
“Daws.” I say, I’m letting him know I’m ready to take him. Dawson holds my hands up above my head and he opens his boxers, I can’t stop thinking off how that’s where he opens his pants to pee, but I take him in my mouth and he’s steady leaking everywhere.
I lick the tip of him and he screams in excitement.
He’s so easy.
He lets out a sigh as he finished inside my mouth, not letting me do any work.
“Okay pillow princess, show me how it’s done.” Dawson says as he flips me on top of him and we roll over to the other side of the bed. He lays down and he pulls off his boxers. He’s bare, I’m bare. I touch myself as I stand on top of him. I look down at him as I decide to squat down. I look at his face, he’s ready to be please, but I just took him inside of my mouth. I swalllow, but I forget… can he?
So I take his jaw in my hand and I tell him to open his mouth, he does so. He is expecting a kiss. But for me, I wnat to make him cum first. So I straddle his face, and I take his hard friend, into my mouth, once again.
Im laying on top off him, he has my clit on his mouth, and I have his dick into my throat. He’s tasty, very salty. He locks me out, and I feel like I need to piss everywhere. So I focus on my job. I need to make him cum. He goes faster on his tounge, he lifts his hips up to my face, he’s about to fall out of his momentum. He thrusts into my throat. And again, and again, he thrusts. He lets out a groan, and he starts to stick his large fingers into my hole. He sucks and fingers at my bottom half.
He’s going to play dirty, so am I. So I grab his large balls and start to rub. He starts to slap my ass, and he runs up and down my waist line. I grab his leg, and he thrusts into my mouth again, he lets out an exasperated groan, he drops his bridge down, and he slides me over.
He arrived, and I haven’t. Maybe I am better.
“No, I know what you’re thinking, you aren’t better than I am.” Dawson says as he walks over to grab a condom.
“No, I like it raw.” I say as I get up from feeling like peeing.
“Easier on me then.” Dawson says as he lifts me up and I wrap around his figure. My boobs are pressed up against his abs, my nipples are sticking straight into him. He lays me down gently as he sticks a finger inside of me. He licks his finger clean.
“You’re still pretty wet for me.” He says, “but I haven’t cummed yet.” I said, impatiently.
I push his anatomy onto me. His cock is pushed up against his abdomen. He kisses me and he did infancy swallow.
He leans back up from our special kiss, and he licks his hand, and pump onto his cock once. He grasps onto my thigh, he spreads my legs apart.
“DAWSON!” I scream out in enjoyment. I’m exhilarated. His shaft ponds into my hips. My pelvis is now perked up into his hands. I need more, but I cannot fit much more. He has so many inches inside of me,I feel like I might puncture ny uterus.
“He shushed me and started to bounce. He thrusted about 4 times before I begged him to stop. And I cimmed right there. He grabbed a tissue that sat on our nightstands, specifically for this reason.
“Okay baby. You wanna shower, or do you want to wait until tomorrow morning?” Dawson says and he always knows the answer. He made sure I wa clean and the bed sheets weren’t wet and sticky for our semen.
He wraps his legs around me, I’m little spoon, and he’s big spoon. We are skin to skin. And I feel safe in his arms as he kissed me goodnight. And I feel ready to see his family on our trip next week. And I’m glad that his friends will see my “burn mark” I got. Which we all know that Dawson took his kisses to strong and he bit and sucked on my neck to leave territory marks.
#hockey#jocelynscrazyideas#nhl#dawson mercer#hockey fics#njd#nj devils#new jersey devils#nhl players#nhl fic#smut
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WIBTA for removing my roommate from my accounts?
I live with my partner (A) and someone (B) who was a mutual friend of ours (all 20sX). I've been unemployed since the before the pandemic due to needing surgery and having a weak immune system (multiple infections). I managed to get the surgery last year. They both came to pick me up from hospital and helped me through my recovery process. I'm very thankful for this still. B moved in knowing about my situation and A was honest about the rent split.
It's been over a year now; I'm still not totally recovered (the infections are officially chronic now), but I can usually walk and go to the park so I've stopped being as candid about my health. I figure it's probably TMI at this point or just boring.
Last month was me and A's anniversary! We had a great first half of the day, but before our celebration dinner, A had to go pick-up and drive B home from their job (B's car was broken). So they dropped me off to wait (I didn't mind since it was a nice day out).
After they picked up B, they told A to pull over in the next parking lot. A was concerned and did so; B proceeded to say that I insulted them 3 days ago by making a joke about being unemployed, and that while B "understood it" when I was recovering from surgery, it had been long enough and we'd be in real financial trouble if I didn't get a job "ASAP". B made a point of saying "There's no excuse for the house not to be spotless if [I'm] home all day" and that they wanted to "see [me] paying 1/3rd of the rent" .
This hurt because I've been trying my best to keep our shared living space clean and to not be a drain on the finances. B also made a mean remark about how often I show up as "in-game/online" on Steam when I "should be cleaning/working". (I will admit I like having it on the in background, I like games with idle/calm mechanics or good music.)
A came home and told me this ("ASAP" at B's request), I started crying. I texted B an apology and was honest about my current situation/limitations, and that I couldn't remember the joke but that it was likely directed negatively at myself and not B (I do feel horrible about how much I've had to put on hold or miss out on because of my body). We didn't have our anniversary dinner that night.
B ended up admitting it wasn't really me but that they were in a bad financial situation and felt "trapped". They never explained the joke or communicated with me beyond one "I'm sorry" DM.
I've started trying to clean more often, I removed a lot of my things from our shared living spaces (90% of the furniture/tech is from my parents so I can't totally clear out), I stay in my room, and I try not to be loud/cook smelly things/etc.
B's started going out with their other friends to gaming events/cons and using things like Doordash more frequently. This makes me worried B might get tight on money and lash out at me again if I'm visible in the house. I'm fine because I'm used to living primarily in one room and B isn't talking to me or being passive-aggressive.
The problem is that I still have B on most of my online accounts; we used to play games together. It makes me anxious to be online and visible because I know they can see me, I don't want them to think I'm being lazy again.
WIBTA if I quietly removed them from everything but my phone contacts? (I still want to be able to communicate in case of emergencies)
What are these acronyms?
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“I’m Scared”
TW-None
Master List
Keegan Russ
-a/n- this one is visibly in view and does let me know @ave661 tumblr account. This was pure laziness on not crediting the artist. I apologize again.
Credit to @ave661
“I’m scared Keegs”
*clinging to his arm and breathing heavily and tears falling down her cheeks*
“Kid? Look at me?”
*he sighs and gathers his thoughts before speaking again to her*
I’m so sorry baby look at me. We’re gonna make it out together. Me and you.”
The sounds of gunfire getting louder and closer. Sounds of explosions getting closer as well. He looks out the window looking for a way to escape and he tries to call Hesh and Logan on his radio. It’s all static. He looks back at (y/n). Seeing how scared she is makes his heartbreak and he starts to tremble with fear. He knows they can’t be captured.
Looking at his beloved trembling face. He walks over to her grabbing her face in his hands he kisses her passionately. Soft moans escape her lips and his lips.
“Baby look at me, you have to trust me okay?
*he presses his forehead against hers looking down at her*
She trembles with fear. She nods her head to him.
“Okay”
She sighs and bites down on her lower lip looking at him.*
“Baby you see the building right there?
He points to the building across them. He holds her close to his chest. He smells the rose shampoo smell from hair. The smell makes him calm down and think of her safety more then his.
“Yeah?”
She trembles and answers his weakly. She clings to his vest with desperation.
“I’m gonna throw you across okay”
He looks around, he has to make a decision quickly. Time is running out.
“Baby don’t leave me alone. I want you to be with me I’m not going alone.”
She realizes he only mentions her. And that he’s not gonna be joining her.
“(Y/N) I love you okay!”
He grabs her gently holding her face so she can look at him and listen to him.
“Please don’t fight with me on this?”
“I will find my way around, I can’t have you here if they find us. These men will not treat you with respect. They will do horrific things to you. I don’t want them to touch you. I will do anything, anything in the world to protect you my love. You mean everything to me. Your my moon to my night sky, the stars that light up my entire sky. Without you, being my stars I have no way on navigating my way back to you.”
He gets shy but he finally allows all of his emotions out to her. He starts to speak from the heart.
“I will always find my way back to you (y/n). I know you’re scared, I’m scared too. But I’m more scared of losing you. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”
His eyes start to water up.
“I would never forgive myself for that.”
He wipes the tears from his eyes. Smearing the black paint on his face.
She blushes at his response. She starts to cry, she grabs his and holding him in a tight embrace. She cry’s into his vest.
“Keegan Russ I love you. I love you so much. My love for you is like all the worlds beaches. Every grain of sand is how much I love you.”
“Keegan please come back to me. I won’t be able to survive without you in this life if I lose you.”
“I will always come back to you. I will always find my way back to you and to hold you in my arms.”
He hugs her tightly. Holding her close he feels her warmth.
Keegan opens the window looking around to see if any of the federation soldiers are near by. He quickly gathers his things and her stuff. She nods to him that’s she ready.
“I’m sorry about this baby it’s gonna hurt like hell.”
He throws her to the building next to them. She lands hard on the roof and scrapes her arms and elbows I’m the process. She rolls over and see Keegan standing there. She hears the sounds of someone trying to break open the door where Keegan is at.
“Keegs jump now!”
Keegan looks around him and he nods to her. He turns around and gets a running start. He jumps across to her. She runs to the edge she grabs his arms and catches him.
He dangles from the side of the building. She gasps with fear and pain as she caught her lover.
“Baby hold on, I’m not gonna let you go, hold on!”
She gasps and panting heavily as she pulls him up.
She pulls him up and they hide together on the roof top. He uses his body to shield her in case someone starts to shoot. The static on her radio crackles with the sound of Hesh voice. She perks up to the familiar voice.
“Baby it’s Hesh”
She passes the radio to him. She sighs with excitement.
“Hesh this is Keegan do you copy over”
He takes the radio and answers with relief.
“Keegan hear you loud and clear. What’s your twenty?”
“We thought we lost you? Is (y/n) with you?”
Hesh is relieved to know Keegan is alive but he worries for (y/n).
“Yeah she’s with me we’re okay. We need help we’re trapped on a rooftop. We don’t have enough ammo to get us out of here without a fight.”
“I can give a description of our location”
Keegan describes the location to Hesh over the radio.
“Sit tight we’re coming”
Hesh ends his call.
The federation search team walk pass them and they continue their patrols and advance forward. The others a ghosts show up be rescue Keegan and (Y/N). As they are leaving she holds Keegans hand as they make their way to safety.
-A Few Days Later-
“Keegan I love you more then you know. I will always be there at your side no matter the cost. If I have to sacrifice myself to be with you I will do it in a heartbeat. My life isn’t complete without you.”
“I’ve always been honest with you. And this is me being honest to you.”
She smiles to him. Looking up to him.
“Yes! Yes Keegan I will agree to be Mrs Keegan Russ. I know you asked me before and I had cold feet at the time. But this time yes, yes, I want to be with you forever. I want to be Mrs Keegan Russ.”
She holds out her hands to him
Keegan smiles to her pulling the wall blue box from his pocket.
He takes the ring out to place it on her finger.
She starts to cry. She hugs him tightly.
Keegan looks at his fiancée. He smiles to her kissing her forehead.
“(Y/N) we have a wedding to plan now.”
She looks at her engagement ring and jumps into Keegans arms. He picks her up bridal style and carries her to the ghosts to announce their news to them.
#cod keegan#keegan russ x reader#keegan russ#cod fandom#cod fanfic#keegan cod#keegan russ fanfic#keegan p russ#cod ghost#cod fanfiction#call of duty ghosts#keegan p russ x reader#cod#Keegan Russ one shot
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Journaling
Why journal? I am pretty sure by now, you have heard a thousand influencers tell you that you SHOULD journal because it is magically going to clean up the mess that is your brain, organize your life, make you happier, richer, prettier, and solve world hunger. And if you are not journaling, there's probably something wrong with you.
And they're right. Not the world hunger part, unfortunately. There is prolly something wrong with you and that something is Being A Human Being. It is a the most widespread condition with a 100% of the population being chronically affected and the only available cure is Death. But let me not digress.
Unless you are one of those gifted people blessed with mounds of motivation and crates of consistency, it can be very difficult to start and even more difficult to continue a habit such as journaling.
I am definitely not one of the chosen ones and Heaven knows I have more dead unfinished projects than I have pages of New Year Resolutions but allow me to audaciously claim that I have cracked the code! The trick is....Just Journal.
Hold on hold on, do not click away yet even though Yes I am going to say the exact same thing all the ‘motivators’ before me have said. Seriously, JUST DO IT! What stops us is the thought that it is not going to be 'perfect' or 'aesthetic' enough but puhleeeezeee, Life is Not a Pinterest board, even though I sure wish it was. Just write something. Anything! My first journal entry ( just like this article I am currently writing ) was written in the middle of a boring class. It went something like this ;
25 March 2019
I'm bored.......I could cry or die srsly. Should I just sleep?? What are they gonna serve in the dining hall today?
How original eh?
I was in boarding school then, thus the strange reference to a dining hall. That was all I needed to get started.I realized I did not need to make every sentence perfect and pretty and I could use abbreviations and unconventional punctuation. I was not accountable to anyone but myself!! I just put all my rambling messy unconnected thoughts as they came into my head. No one is going to check your spelling or punctuation or if you are using enough active verbs, whatever those are. So seriously just write.
You find out stuff you did not even know about yourself. For example I found out that I do not hate writing, as much I thought I did. What I hate is the physical activity of moving my hand. It makes my hand hurt, not that I'm lazy, although that could also be true, don’t judge me......
So please, just write. It really is an interesting pastime and writing is such a useful skill. I could talk for days on end how useful writing is for your brain, your social life, your development both personal and intellectual. Pick up a pen ( one that doesn’t make your wrist hurt, please ) and scribble awayyyyy !!!! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡
PS: I just got the greatest idea. Reblog with your first journal entry! It doesn’t have to be a physical journal. It could be on your phone; a notes app. Google docs, A journal app. Heck you can chisel your entry on a piece of rock, just make sure to write something!!
#rant post#litblr#journal#quote#personal#dark academia#cottagecore#books#quotes#writeblr#writers on tumblr#writers and poets#writblr#writing#poemblr#poetry
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Thoughts on Where Astarion is From
Going to be a long post. Because there are definitely spoilers for the game in general and probably for Astarion's quest, I'm putting this under a read more.
I've seen in several places now that Astarion is commonly headcanon'd to not be from Baldur's Gate originally. Personally, I really think this makes sense since he's an elf, his parents in theory would still be alive, and - if you stick to the idea he originally was noble/patriar born - he would be recognizable to a lot of people even after being turned. Not only in the city in general but I imagine he helped 'entertain' at Cazador's palace since Cazador did host parties.
An aside, I think this holds true for all of Cazador's 'house' spawn. I know Dalyria formerly was the Physician General to the Parliament of Baldur's Gate but I have a feeling she - like Astarion - probably wasn't in that position terribly long before getting turned so may not have been around long enough for people to really recall her face.
But back to my actual thought: The common thing I see when people headcanon about Astarion's origins before he lived in Baldur's Gate is that he is from Waterdeep, or the surrounding area, because the area used to be home to most of the elves in Faerûn. Just as a note for anyone unfamiliar with where cities are: Waterdeep is 750 miles North of Baldur's Gate, Elturel is officially 200 miles East of Baldur's Gate.
I have an alternate theory: Astarion is from somewhere East of Baldur's Gate. Possibly along the Chionthar.
Why?
Because sometime before the story, at least 100 years ago - and honestly, I think it'd be before he was turned so 200+ years ago - he was in Reithwin Town (the town in Act 2) - and got banned from The Waning Moon.
And this isn't just me making an assumption or coming up with a headcanon. Now, I was too lazy to go find the in-game screenshot that I took and it's on my gaming computer, so this is from the BG3 Wiki - Here's the text when you read the BAN LIST at The Waning Moon:
The text (bold emphasis mine) reads as:
BARRED FROM ENTRY
The following EX-customers are UNWELCOME. Do not let them in, even should they beg. ESPECIALLY should they beg.
Martin Doughty - human? - chug-and-run
Adam Smythe - lascivious behaviour, also known as 'The Pickle Incident'
Gerringothe Thorm - SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE DID
Kavin Ort - tall dwarf - exceedingly boring
Syrah Bee - short half-elf - vomited on the waiter (purposefully)
Unknown elf - pale skin, snide mouth - referring to master distiller as 'the porcine publican'
Rochelle Kwark - halfling - groin-punching
Yon Von Don (suspected alias) - grotesquely tall human - underpants on head
End screenshot text.
And a second screenshot where the wiki states that the pale elf is Astarion with a link to the source of Kevin VanOrd's twitter. Granted, I do not have an account on twitter so I can't see any posts on twitter and can't confirm the tweet, but I'll post the plain text (no hyperlink) links down below because Tumblr is picky about stuff.
Screenshot Text:
The names on BAN LIST are the writers of Baldur's Gate 3 poking fun at themselves, as confirmed by writer Kevin VanOrd[1]:
'Martin Doughty' (Martin Docherty)
'Adam Smythe' (Adam Smith)
'Kavin Ort' (Kevin VanOrd)
'Syrah Bee' (Sarah Baylus)
'Unknown elf' - Astarion[2]
'Rochelle Kwark' (Rachel Quirke)
'Yon Von Don' (Jan Van Dosselaer)
[1] VanOrd, Kevin. 2023. "As the book's writer I can confirm it was a juicy act indeed. All the names (aside from Gerringothe's, of course) are based on Larian writers. I can literally tag myself as Kavin Ort, the boring dwarf!" [@fiddlecub, Twitter]. 14 Oct 2023. Available from: https://web.archive.org/web/20240329212133/https://twitter.com/fiddlecub/status/1713103283026383083
[2] VanOrd, Kevin. 2023. "And yes the unknown elf is who you think it is." [@fiddlecub, Twitter]. 14 Oct 2023. Available from: https://web.archive.org/web/20231017062203/https://twitter.com/fiddlecub/status/1713103448516812817
End of screenshot text.
Supporting screenshots out of the way, here are my assumptions so far:
He probably did not have lots of time to dedicate for traveling pre-vampirism days just because law school then actually being a magistrate (yes, I am assuming that law school is a thing in Faerûn).
If he was a noble pre-magistrate days, Reithwin wouldn't be a normal destination choice since nothing in the game makes me think it really was anything more than a normal town that just happened to have fallen to horrific events.
Related to first two bullets: my personal thought is that he was probably sub-30 when this ban at The Waning Moon happened.
Cazador didn't/doesn't travel much himself (Astarion calls him 'reclusive' at some point).
I really doubt Cazador lets any of his spawn travel on their own.
What makes most sense to me personally is that he was traveling from home - wherever that is - to Baldur's Gate. Unfortunately the 5e map of Faerûn only list 4 cities along the Chionthar: Baldur's Gate, Fort Morninglord, Elturel, and Scornubel. It shows none of the towns/settlements shown in Act 1 or Act 2 in BG3. Just for reference:
Which probably is just so there is some vagueness for D&D players to add in their own towns since D&D is a giant sandbox. So that's kind of what I'm doing here. Somewhere between Reithwin and The Reaching Woods is a town that Astarion once called home.
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The alt-right pipeline is so easy to fall into and I’m absolutely devastated to finally realize there isn’t anything I can do to help my parents out of it. My living situation makes me reliant on them to live, and my relationship with them has always been rocky and abusive. But I really had hope that when I was older and had more words and skills to deal with things that I could have an actual relationship with them. Now I realized that it’s just not possible anymore.
This is so devastating to understand, because even through everything, I love my parents. I had so much hope that things would get better when they finally come out of the Mormon church. But now that hate/fear is just pushed onto other things.
The beliefs they have now are just “vaccines cause autism” “chem trials are real” “systemic racism/oppression isn’t real” “if you aren’t someone with a visible disability or don’t have high support needs you are just lying and making excuses” “there is a higher order controlling things” “climate change isn’t real” “the government is putting fluoride in the water to control you” “taking psychedelics will help you break out of the matrix” “oppressed people aren’t actually oppressed they are just lazy” “trans people aren’t real and taking hrt is actually worse for you” etc.
If I try to challenge them I’m met with “you aren’t living in reality, you are closed minded to my side, you are just not educated enough to have a say, you are too emotional to have anything valid to say.” Or they get offended and think that I’m calling them personally Nazis and racists that are actively going out and causing harm.
I feel that I’m yelling at a brick wall. There’s nothing I can say to help change their mind. There isn’t anything I can say to defend myself or question them that doesn’t make them think I’m some stupid, ignorant, or an over sensitive snowflake. I can’t hold them accountable or try and reframe things without them disregarding my validity/perspective.
Realizing my parents will never respect me as a person or fully love me as their child because of these conspiracies is devastating. I understand that sometimes people just need to be in the presence of a different perspective or way of life to come to an understand it. Like sometimes people need to be challenged and taken out of the echo chamber to get a different idea on a topic. Was me being their kid and gay, help them to understand that gay people aren’t bad, yes probably, but at this point I feel there isn’t nothing I can do anymore. My existence doesn’t make me obligated to be your teacher of respect and understanding. I’m no going to risk my sanity to maybe push them into a different mindset anymore.
Anyway, what I want to say to people is, choose your battles. Please don’t risk your safety to question a brick wall, love yourself and understand you aren’t at fault here. It’s okay to grieve that relationship and move on. I understand that not everything is easy but just be aware of your safety and sanity. Try to pivot conversations to different topics or physically leave the conversation or set topic boundaries with them. Just stay safe please and take care of yourself in situations like these.
Oof. So sorry you have to deal with this. And you're right, you really do have to pick your battles and look out for yourself.
#answered#new age to alt right pipeline#conspiracy theories#conspiracy theory#conspiracism#conspiracy theorists#radicalization#abuse
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Hello I saw your post about your breakthrough with ADHD and art and!!! Yeah!!! Similar hat!!!
Something I think that goes into it as well is the idea that ADHD people are undisciplined, like 'oh they're so smart in class but just don't apply themselves' but it's because (at least in my experience) our 'applying ourselves' looks different than what the typical (capitalist) school system demands! I work in short bursts of like 10-30 minutes and break doing nothing and do this for Hours, and this extends to working on a project for days and then not doing anything for weeks before picking it up again. The rhythm is chaos and there is no predicting it but to me it's important not to force myself into doing something I don't want to because it literally will not work and will ONLY make me miserable!!
I tried to be a semi-freelance artist in my gap year and early uni years, and had schedules for myself for how much to draw and practice and especially post down to the week and guess what happened? Literally nothing, I didn't follow that schedule at all, I procrastinated and didn't do much and felt incredibly guilty for not being productive or a proper artist, and ended up burning out within a couple years and did basically no art last year, I've only got back into it this year because I've let myself do it because I Want to and not force myself to, it's no longer a Priority task in the sense of 'this has to be done' and now more a priority in the sense of 'i do this because it makes me happy'.
It was interesting reading your post because yes! I resonate! And feel like I've been in that position and have now come to find ways that I can still draw that work for me and mean I enjoy it and don't fight my brain because doing that for my entire childhood (when you're told you're inherently just lazy and need to work harder than oh boy do you run yourself into the ground) made me absolutely miserable and unable to do anything. Part of my getting back into art was accepting the chaotic and strange way I worked and just letting that flow and not fighting it, as Frustrating as it could get sometimes and as unhelpful it was to a 'traditional' model of work that industry demands.
Idk if this is helpful but you mentioned being unsure how to go from where you are after this revelation and I guess all i want to say is: figure out your workflow and Do Not Fight It. ADHD brain is distracting, yes, but it is also the most stubborn bitch ever and fighting it will just make you unhappy and tired. Figure out how you work best in a way that keeps you content and happy and work with it.
Of course there can be discipline aspects there too; I do find pushing myself to get up and pick up the sketchbook when I am feeling lazy is good, there's definitely elements where you can push yourself just to do a little bit more or work a little bit harder - but only to the point it still works for you. Once it gets hard, stop fighting and let yourself flow naturally.
Ajdhjsja idk if this makes sense I've just done a lot of thinking about this over the years and hoped it might be a bit helpful
I feel you man. Schedules are foreign things to me, and trying to make one for myself is both physically and mentally painful. When I was doing my webcomic, holding myself accountable day in and day out to pump out page after page after page made me so ill. Even when I tried to take it slower and make it easy on myself, I would just get laden with guilt. I had to put it down for my own health and figure out what was wrong with me.
I have received the "Don't Fight It" advice from other ADHD friends before, and i'm STILL FIGURING OUT HOW TO APPLY IT TO MYSELF ... like i said, there are always gonna be external factors that impede your ability to do what you love, even without ADHD (living situation, general mental/physical health, etc).
I definitely wanted to post this ask though, because I hope other people can also benefit from this advice. It's definitely helpful, and after reading everyone's responses to that post, I think it's something I should start being more mindful of too. Thank you for sharing your experience!
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I think one of the biggest reasons why I don’t feel any usable or long-lasting passion or motivation for socializing, promoting myself and/or taking care of my body is the logical conclusion that I have no future that is sustainable to look forward to.
What happens when I can’t work anymore? Capitalism demands money to pay for medical treatment.
What happens when I already know my issues are incurable and logically treatment is a moot point about survival…for what future?
What happens when the issue is that the only marketable advancement is social media prowess? And the above things make dealing and putting effort into that unmanageable?
There are days/weeks/months where I vaguely feel this need to take care of myself but it never lasts because there is no end game. It’s always about doing more and more to not lose everyone’s attention.
And the more and more that we spiral into this future of being marketable and visible the more I do not want to be perceived.
Logically I know that I already hold some aspects of social power in certain settings, and if I put back the effort I did in 2014-2020 I might actually fix my entire outlook. But for that to happen I need capitalism to let go of me and my bank account. So instead I just get to exist in a spiral of impending failure.
Or accept that I truly am just lazy.
What will it be?
#torquetalks#or can I just talk about anything other than capitalism#maybe if I stop isolating myself the algorithm will perceive me again
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Where I’ve been.
TW: talk of self harm, attempting. Extremely long and depressing.
Hiiii, it’s been a while, surprised to see so many people still interacting with this account after me being gone for so long, just wanna say that you guys are super cool and I don’t deserve to have you guys still around.
Now to talk about what you all wanna know, where I’ve been. I’m not going to get into detail about some of these topics because some things are too much to go through right now.
A lot of things has happened to me in this year and, I don’t wanna jinx it but, this has probably the worst year of my life, from my grandmother dying of cancer, my parents ongoing divorce, and getting kicked out of our apartment. One after the other, they just kept coming when I least expected it.
I had to move back into Chicago and live with my mom’s friend and it has not been good. For the first few weeks I wasn’t working because I had to transfer from my old job to another one closer to where I am living at now, but they weren’t hiring just yet so I had to wait. But just know, I wasn’t working right away so most of the time I just laid on the bare mattress that I brought with me to Chicago. I was a husk of a person at that time, nothing felt real, I never thought I would have to move back into Chicago, with so many bad memories that I wanted to forget.
I felt disgusted with myself, that I was just sitting around not doing anything while my mother was still in Aroura (which is where we were living at the time) taking care of the kids by herself. She couldn’t afford to quit her job yet because she was our only source of income, she had multiple mouths to feed, including mine. And my dad wasn’t any help like always.
I felt powerless, like I was burdening everyone around me. It had gotten to the point where I wouldn’t shower or eat and if i did eat I would just throw it up and beat myself up for wasting food.
I felt like a little kid again, and I hate feeling that way, it reminds me too much of living with my asshole dad, I’m not going to go too much into detail with him because there is so much to say but I hate him, I dislike him with every fiber of my being. He has done things to me and my family for years that I cannot excuse and I wish he burns in the darkest pits of hell.
ANYWAY, I was and still am at a very dark point in my life. I have contemplated taking my own life a lot and I almost did, I am not going to lie to you, I had a gun in my mouth before, the safety was off and I was ready to go, I felt like my life had no point and that I will forever and always be a lazy good for nothing person, that whatever I did was never good enough. I was ready to see what would happen after a person dies, but I never pulled the trigger. I don’t know why but I hesitated and I started thinking; I can’t kill myself, I didn’t want to be the reason my mother had to mourn for the nth time this year, I didn’t want her to do this all by herself because even though she tries to hide her struggles, I see all the pain she has to endure. I didn’t want to leave this earth knowing my mom had to do it all on her own, I didn’t want my mother to give up too, so here I am, still breathing, holding onto that little bit of hope I have that things will get better. Hopefully they will because I cannot guarantee what will happen if it doesn’t, but we are all trying.
Anywho I am going to be gone for a while but reckoned I could give you guys an explanation as to why I was gone for so long, love you lots. 🫶
#tw: mental health#tw: depression#tw: sucidal thoughts#sorry for being inactive#love you#I didn’t section the last part good because I was tearing up#idk#this feels dumb I might delete later#first time in a while I came back to tumblr
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I was delusional to think this year would be different. TW:SH/ED
why are moms so toxic? i cant remember one birthday in which everything went smoothly ansd i truly felt loved by her. she has always made it clear to me that im not enough, she has sacrificed too much for me, im a waste of space, im a lazy sack of shit and she wished she never had me or my sister.
I just woke up a couple hours ago really excited because she stayed out late last night so I didn't get a chance to talk with her (we were starting to get along weirdly) and my birthday is tomorrow so I wanted to hear what her plans were and instead she yelled at me for not getting up earlier, for not having a job yet, (even though I had to quit my last one because of her and I've been applying for jobs ever since) she said I should stop using being autistic as an excuse because I'm "not really autistic", I'm "completely normal, I'm just a giant asshole"
why would she say that??! and then to make matters worse, a family friend is planning to make me food for tomorrow and so my mom said the least I could do to earn such a gift that I don't deserve, I should go swimming with her in her pool, although I cannot because I recently relapsed heavily and have sh scars all over my arms and legs and I would rather politely decline a swim rather than worrying everyone I know and love. so anyway, I couldn't tell my mom why I couldn't swim so I just said I'm really not feeling up to it and she replied with "okay well then, you're dead to me" and strangely as punishment forbid me from using her shower ever again?? I have a shower, but it's infested with mold, and we didn't find that out until I passed out after a shower, so I think that means I really am dead to her?? ouch!
I'm really sad though, more so because we just bought groceries and now, I may be wasting food because I'm fasting. how can I be a good anorexic though when my fear of wasting food overpowers my fear of gaining?? idk maybe I'll just cook for everyone else on my bday, that is, if I knew anyone to cook for. I also feel bad for not swimming with our friend especially because she is cooking a whole feast for me! something my mother would never be caught dead doing. a lot of my issues with food come from having no structure nor comfort in my household growing up, i went from eating too much to never eating enough. i love it though when i see family friends and they are always telling me that ive gotten too skinny and i need to eat more, and as a result always cook food for me and lecture my mom for not paying attention to me, not that shes obligated to, as im almost 20, but as long as im stuck with her due to finances and just a tad bit of codependency, she should be a little nicer to me right??
am I crazy for thinking that regardless of my age or life situation, when I'm home it should feel like home?? if I were going to college no one would question me for still being here, I'm just trying to save up some money but every time I do, my mom demands to borrow it and then threatens me that she won't pay me back if I don't do this or that for her. did I mention that she always plays the victim too?
she genuinely believes that the world owes her something. she thinks because of her disability, people should bow down to her and cater to her every need! that is so immature! its every man for themselves, if you can't hold yourself accountable, how do you expect your life to improve? doing the same thing over and over with no result gets you nowhere! that's insanity, its naive. I don't want to waste my life catering to her when I spent the first 19 years of my life being the adult and her being the child. I deserved better.
now I just want her to see how terrible of a job she did by rotting away. I don't care anymore, I know that's selfish but I just don't care about anything anymore, I want to starve, I don't want to eat anymore. I know better than to starve myself, but it feels so damn validating when I'm losing weight.
#ed bllog#ed relapse#tw ana diary#tw ana shit#tw ed diet#ed vent#i only harm myself and no one else#i wanna be weightless#starv1ng#starv3#tw ana fast#ana trigger#ana and mia#emotional abuse#mommy issues#tw sh related#i wanna be perfect
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doing a silly little writeblr intro bc I can't let go of this blog but am primarily focused on horror genres in terms of fandoms and fanfics now, and when I let this blog go there will be claw marks forever indented into every single post, including this one:
I'm 19, I work in a nursing home, and I love coffee and energy drinks more than I will ever love myself. I'm saving up for a new laptop right now and my commissions are currently open! I'm too lazy to dig it up now but my ko-fi is linked somewhere on this account.
I bounce between which genres are my favorites but right now I'm completely enamoured by contemporary, historical fiction, fantasy, and horror.
I have a few WIPS on the go right now. Two of them are historical fiction, one being a Gatsby rewrite set in a separate time period (it's gatsby but gayer and set in the late 80s), and the other being a piece set in 1925, central Manhattan, with lesbians, the glitz and glam of the era and some of the mafia. I have a few others in the planning process and one that I hold very near and dear but never work on because working on it makes me sad lol.
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20 questions for fic writers
tagged by @ashleyfanfic !
1. How many works do you have on ao3?
21 on neallo, 5 on blondiest
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
212k: 121k on neallo + 91k on blondiest
3. What fandoms do you write for?
death note and (allegedly) stranger things
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
i'm going to exclude my stranger things ones or i will only have one death note fic listed lol.
there's nothing i hate more than what i can't have
hot soup on a cold day
i want to hold you (hostage)
engaged
there's nothing i want but you
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
on neallo, yes. every single one. i reply bc it's a nice way to connect with the readers :-) i am really really behind on blondiest comments but there are also fewer since it's been so long since i updated anything 😭
6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
probably nothing hurts like you do, though idk if that counts bc it's a prequel to holdyouhostage. shot in the dark has a not-happy ending, but it's meant to be very open-ended.
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
hmmm!!! most of my fics have happy endings, to be honest. i think i would perhaps say it's you and me, that's my whole world bc that's my most indulgently hurtcomfort story 🥰
8. Do you get hate on fics?
i have! but only on one occasion (though it was a decent number of comments). i was told that i was an example of why modern fans can't write mello and near lmfao (<- was into death note in 2008. if i suck at writing them, i come by it honestly 😇)
9. Do you write smut. If so, what kind?
hehe. yes. i have written a pretty good variety of types of smut. i tried listing out the various acts here and then was like... let me not do this to myself. “what kind” ? hopefully the kind that is at least kinda hot 💋
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
no not really! i wouldn't rule it out but i've never had an idea for one. i did once write a fic loosely based on ‘this is just to say’ by william carlos williams, but it is not on neallo or blondiest and isn't for a fandom i have posted about on here.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
lmfao yeah, very recently
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
yes! i had a very short fic translated into french on the aforementioned mystery account lol
13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?
yes!!! voted most likely is a collaboration with my darling friend dee, and i have several fics with the beloved @empressofthewind
14. What's your all-time favorite ship?
meronia. it hit me so violently and has not let go for a full year. it's so over for me forever
15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
hmmmm. honestly, i have my doubts about finishing voted most likely, sadly. i feel like the major, real conflicts were already solved, and the plans i had for the rest of the plot feel very drawn out now. i just want to let them be happy immediately lol. maybe i need to brainstorm a new ending 😔
16. What are your writing strengths?
i think my dialogue skills are pretty strong :-)
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
i am not, i don't think, particularly strong at descriptions of locations or of physical appearances lol
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
i prefer to have it in english and italics rather than including actual full phrases from the other language, bc i don't want to fuck up the grammar in another language and i also don't want to confuse readers. occasionally i will use individual words from another language (ingerasul meu lol), but i try to always provide in-text cues for what it is being said.
19. First Fandom you wrote for?
lmfao...................... time princess
20. Favorite fic you've ever written?
oh god. i want to hold you (hostage), hands down. it's not close. i spent so much time on that story, and i became very fond of it.
i am soooooooo sleepy so i'm doing the lazy bitch thing and saying that if you see this you should consider yourself tagged 💋
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I think I've finally struck a point with Cursey + social media where I realize it's just not worth the hassle of making it "work." I think the fact is that fetish writing is always going to be undercut on modern social media so it's not even worth the effort of trying to tag everything just right, or include the exact right SEO, etc. because ultimately the moment the algorithm detects that my post is about weird porn, it's going to dump it into an irrelevant category and make sure as few people have their feeds clogged by its presence. Even porn-"friendly" places will put huge censors, blocks, and shadowbans on fetish posts, it's kind of torture trying to figure out what exact words are allowed and won't get your account hidden without any warning or clue whatsoever, while also trying to put in enough words to reach your target audience + describe the contents within so they know what they're getting into.
So basically my strategy going forward is to probably be as lazy as possible with social media lol. Trying to hold myself to this professional standard is just not something I can have on my plate right now, not when social media is also actively working against me. If you see my posts getting sloppy or less consistent... I guess just know that I don't care as much! Because it really is such a waste of mental strength trying to make social media work for me.
I'm here on Tumblr for now and don't foresee myself going to any of these new places. Every single new social media spot seems to be making the same exact pitfalls as its predecessor, and I don't want to waste my time setting up new accounts and learning about new ~algorithms~ just so I can get maybe five extra pairs of eyes on my fetish writing.
If you aren't seeing my posts or updates, don't be surprised! Tumblr might very well decide to shadowban me without any explanation or heads-up, just like every other social media site. It's highly likely my posts will end up hidden. If you want to stay up to date with my writing, there's no better way than subbing to my Patreon and turning on alerts, so that whenever there's a new post, you get a notification about it immediately. It's the only reliable method of actually seeing my posts -- anywhere else has a vague but real chance of just being made invisible to the public.
For now, I'm going to try and keep this tumblr alive by reposting some of my older/now-public stories, mostly because I think I have to "prove" to tumblr that I'm not a bot account and that I actually have a human soul. I love social media! So be aware you might see some "new" stories that aren't actually that new if you've already been following me~
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