#he knew someone who had NPD and how the person who had it had an addiction and died from the addiction in a horrible way and he
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Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I'm screaming underwater.
NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.
I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it's factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it's harmful, and the changes I'd like to see. But to keep this concise, I'll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.
The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent "safe" spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I'm willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.
Because it's so hard to exist in this world.
My disorder already makes me feel as if I'm worthless and unlovable, like there's something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it's so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:
Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I'm lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word "narcissist" to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil "people with narcissistic personality disorder" are. (Seriously, you don't know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you'd hate them if you knew.)
Trying to look up "mental health positivity for people with npd", "mental health positivity cluster bs", only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.
Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.
Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they're supposed to be helping!) that there's no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.
Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I'm not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.
Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s
I could go on for a long time, but I'm scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.
So please. Stop using the word "narcissist" as a synonym for "abusive".
Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! "Hey, I'm autistic." "Oh... my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn't understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you're self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you're okay I guess, maybe." ...See how offensive and ignorant that is?)
Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it's trendy to use us as a scapegoat.
If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.
NPD Criteria, re-written by someone who actually has NPD
Stigma in the DSM
Common perception of the DSM criteria vs how someone may actually experience them (Keep in mind that this is the way I personally experience these symptoms, and that presentation can vary a lot between individuals)
"Idk, the stigma is right though, because I've known a lot of people with NPD who are jerks, so I'm going to continue to support the blockage of treatment for this condition."
(All of these were written by me, because I didn't want to link to other folks' posts without permission, but if you want to add your own links in reblogs or replies please feel free <3)
#actuallynpd#signal boost#actuallyautistic#mental health awareness#narcissistic personality disorder#people also need to realize that mental health professionals aren't immune from bias#(it really shouldn't come as a shock that the mental health field has a longstanding pattern of misunderstanding and mistreating ppl who ar#mentally ill or otherwise ND)#the first therapist i brought up NPD to like. literally pulled out the DSM bc she could barely remember the criteria. then said that there'#no way I have it because I have low self-esteem lmaoooooo#anyway throwback to being at work and chatting with a co-worker. and the conversation turning to mental health. and him saying that#he tries to stay informed and be aware and supportive of mental health conditions & that he doesn't want to be ignorant or spread harmful#misinformation. and then i mentioned that i do a lot of research into mental health stuff and i listed a bunch of things. which included#several personality disorders. one of which was NPD.#and after listening to my whole ass list he zeroed in on the NPD and immediately started talking about how narcissists are abusive and#he knew someone who had NPD and how the person who had it had an addiction and died from the addiction in a horrible way and he#was glad he did#fun times#or when i decided to be vulnerable and talk abt my self-criticism/self-hatred bc i knew my friends also struggled w that and i wanted to#support them by sharing my own coping methods. and they both(separately!) started picking and prodding at my npd through the lens of stigma#bc i'd recently opened up to them abt having it. they recognized self-hatred as a symptom and still jumped on me for it. despite me#trying to share hurt vulnerable parts of myself to help them and connect with them.#again..... fun times
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Hi, so, I made a lil quiz on controversial opinions and one of them was that narc abuse isnt real and someone disagreed and gave a response that I thought was intriguing, however I am an egotypical so I figured I'd go to this blog to see your opinion on it?
The response was "Know a lot about this topic (got really deep into the NPD) and i gotta say it's fine to say narcissistic abuse. The whole pointttt is that we're all trying to help folks with NPD, narcissistic abuse is real and should be talked about but that doesn't make narcissists evil/unredeemable. Individuals w/ NPD greatly affect those around them, unlike stuff with most cases of like, existential OCD since that's most internalized rather than externalized. I don't have any issue with the term narcissistic abuse and y'know, it's like, not something you're gonna care about in 50 yrs."
i do not know a single person with NPD who felt at all "helped" by narc abuse truthers. no, 99% of narc abuse truthers are not "trying to help folks with NPD," i've never met or seen one who wasn't passively ableist at BEST. most narc abuse truthers are not trying to help, they are not trying to understand, they DO in fact think we're irredeemable and a good portion of them wish to actually wipe us off the fucking planet. multiple times i have seen narc abuse truthers just straight up spew eugenics. most narc abuse truthers don't even actually know what NPD is beyond abuser disorder.
it is true that people with NPD can affect the people around them, but that is not at all a trait unique to people with NPD. narc abuse as a term makes it sound like there is something uniquely abusive about people with NPD. all narc abuse describes is patterns of emotional and psychological abuse, nothing more and nothing less, and those patterns are not unique to us. i have been abused in ways that narc abuse describes by people did not have NPD. if you want a term that literally just means "abused by someone who had NPD," you would need to apply that same logic to every single disorder out there that could possibly have an externalized affect.
even if a term like "narc abuse" worked in theory, the communities that are fostered around it are horrendously and disgustingly ableist. it is the nature of a term like that. blaming the abuse you suffered from someone soley on their disorder not only takes responsibility off of them as a person, but also inherently subconsciously creates negative associations with that disorder and everyone else who has it.
i am going to get a bit vulnerable about something i'm not proud of. i have had a very similar mindset narc abuse truthers have about NPD but with bipolar disorder. i grew up knowing my extremely abusive father had bipolar disorder as he was diagnosed when he was younger. i blamed the majority of his actions on his disorder, it made me scared and paranoid of people who had the same disorder. i even had an old friend who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder while i knew him who explicitly told me he was afraid i'd start to hate him or be afraid of him. and a part of me was afraid of him for it. i was miserable and made other people around me miserable. i had to at some point confront the fact i could not blame his disorder for all his abusive actions, i had to make the disconnect, i could not hold innocent people with the same disorder responsible for what he did to me. it was not their fault, and they did not deserve to be held accountable by association of a disorder they did not ask to have.
i could not imagine how much worse it would have been if i had something like a "bipolar abuse" community. i maybe never would have undid my ableist views. these "[disorder] abuse" communities always inherently create an environment that is extremely negative and hostile towards people with said disorder. you can absolutely have conversations about how your abuser's mental illness and trauma affected the relationship you had with them, as mentioned before my father's untreated bipolar disorder absolutely heavily impacted our relationship even outside of his abusive behavior, but these kinds of communities are not the way to do it.
and actually, this is something i will still care about in 50 years if i have to, but hopefully i won't because hopefully it won't still be an issue in 50 years. though that may be wishful thinking.
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Do you have any like actual tips for pro-socials who have antisocial loved ones, like friends or partners? So many sites are like “dealing with a [x]? Here’s ten ways to handle it!” and then it details abusive tactics (which is blatantly stupid, IMO, pwaspd/npd already expect the world to do this to them so idk where they’re getting the idea that pwaspd/npd wouldn’t expect this behavior because their upbringing TRAINED them to expect this behavior but hey, nobody said ableists actually knew what the fuck they were talking about).
I personally struggle with an aspd trait here or there alongside a bigger bpd/npd comorbidity so I get the pathological aspect of this disorder but truly, it is hard to like. believe them when they say they care or whatever because even though I know, mentally, that the bare minimum is pretty much their way of trying to care when they don’t get anything out of it like I do, a small part of me wishes for the mask back where I got the effort and adoration I used to. It sucks but I also don’t think pwaspd should also be left behind in society just because their relational instincts got fucked up before they had a chance.
Idk. I feel like there’s a lot of ableism that people without aspd need to unpack (myself included) but it’s also like, what do you do when someone quite literally admits to manipulating you (in an effort to hold themselves accountable) and frequently lies to make their lives easier? Like I get it Mentally and I can pinpoint why their actions Are them trying to care and show care, especially if they actually do care and well, aspd innit? but the mental understanding is one thing and the craving for the emotional connection with them is another.
I hope this is cohesive and I hope I’m not imposing or being an ableist dick or anything, I just. Don’t think it’s fair to hold the disorder against them and a grand majority of people who think “HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE” about mental illness advocacy is almost always punitive and withholding and expecting an exorbitant amount of groveling or self-flagellation on part of those with “scary” disorders and idk how to approach this with sensitivity and nuance that it deserves and requires.
Ok, so first part of your question asked for tips for prosocials who have antisocial loved ones. Here I go into how to support someone with ASPD (suspected or diagnosed).
Following the tips further down in this post can avoid conflict as well as help you communicate in ways that are effective to pwASPD.
As for dealing with someone telling you they are manipulating you, try and remember that much of the socially acceptable (and even some mandatory behaviors) are manipulation. Manipulation is just trying to affect someone's feelings, thoughts, or actions, or trying to change the end result of a situation. This includes flirting, job interviews, college applications/essays, pay raise negotiations, court proceedings (on the part of everyone in that room except the judge and jury), etc etc etc. If you have ever apologized with the hope or expectation that you will be forgiven, you have manipulated for your own gain. If you've ever bought someone dinner before asking them a favor, you have manipulated someone. One of the most romantic things someone can do - an elaborate proposal where you take them on a lovely date to their favorite places and make them feel special and then list all of your favorite things about the person before asking them to be with you forever is MASSIVE manipulation. It's just not malicious manipulation. Have you ever tried to convince someone to get out of an abusive relationship? That's manipulation for the purpose of sabotaging a relationship because you believe it is what is best for another person, even at the expense of what they think about it and what they want. Does that make it wrong? Of course not. There is such a thing as being manipulative in neutral and/or positive ways - society just doesn't like calling all of that stuff manipulation because the word manipulation has been given a nasty connotation.
As for the lying, though, if they are lying to *you* consistently and not making effort to change despite communication about it (including reassurance that you will allow them to explain themselves fully without interrupting and do your best to remain calm even after that no matter what they tell you - people with ASPD need that if you expect us to give up a coping mechanism as big as lying in a close, vulnerable relationship/friendship that we don't want to lose), that is a problem. It is not acceptable for them to lie to you. You are entirely in your right to make boundaries and separate yourself if they can't be honest with you, especially about big/important things, but honestly about anything. If they're lying to other people in a way that doesn't affect you, though, why is that a problem? They are dealing with their symptoms and making certain they are doing so in a way that doesn't harm you. That is very difficult for someone with ASPD, as it would be for anyone with any personality disorder, and that effort should be respected and appreciated.
Also who *doesn't* do things to make their lives easier? If you were being asked by a creep at a bar for your number, would you give it to them? Would you maybe lie about having a partner or give them a fake number or say you had to go for a pretend emergency to get out? Yes, those lies are for your perceived safety because that situation could be dangerous, but for pwASPD (people with ASPD), every interaction with other people has as much potential for danger as the situation I described. It is understandable to not be used to seeing things that way, but that was our life during vital stages of development and there are things we had to do to adapt to that reality. ASPD literally changes how your brain is wired, so there is only so much that you can expect us to change, and one thing you cannot expect from most of us is to get rid of that belief that we are in danger. Trying to only really makes us see *you* as a danger trying to get our guard down so you can hurt us.
I also don't think "the bare minimum" is a fair way to describe the way pwASPD show love. It not being what you're used to is not the same as it being the bare minimum. It takes an exceptional amount of work on the part of someone with ASPD to try to understand, accommodate, communicate with, and avoid hurting prosocials what with all the extra effort that requires for us. We literally work more than a prosocial does to be "extra" in a relationship just to manage what you call the bare minimum. What is caring about someone if not inconveniencing yourself purely for the sake of understanding them and making them happy? What is love if not effort?
I do understand wishing for the mask to come back, but as someone who has disorders you mentioned in your ask, I'm hoping you understand why asking them to do that would be unfair, unrealistic, and ableist. However, it is none of those things to privately miss that time, and it sounds to me like you're doing the latter which is in no way problematic in my opinion.
There are ways to ask for some of their previous behavior and treatment back without asking them to mask again, if it's things that aren't symptoms of ASPD themselves. For example, if they initiated hangouts/dates more often before, it's completely reasonable to ask them to do that again. If they no longer are expressing interest in your emotions, you can address that concern. Things like that don't have to be asking them to mask - it can just be asking them to do some things within your love language. That's not unreasonable if you're being kind, communicating with them, and making sure your requests are made within reasonable expectations with their symptoms.
You're allowed to have needs and most pwASPD will respect you much more if you can effectively communicate exactly what they are, rather than a generic "I don't feel like you care about me as much anymore" or expecting us to read social cues we aren't wired to understand/look for. I have given (and stick by!) more than one pwASPD the advice to not engage with guessing games and make boundaries expecting their partners to communicate in a way they can understand easily - and thus to not adjust behavior unless they have been told that it is causing harm unless it is *blatantly obvious*. When I say that, I don't mean obvious to prosocials; I mean things like physical or sexual abuse. Even raised voices are pretty normal to plenty of pwASPD, to the point where it isn't obvious that that would scare or hurt someone.
However, if no amount of simple behavioral changes or verbal reassurance can convince you that someone with ASPD cares about you without them basically not having the disorder or letting you cherrypick allowed symptoms, then I feasibly see two choices for you. This isn't me trying to be a jerk, just being objective to what I think makes sense for you and them. The first is that you can put in the work yourself to unlearn the ways that you're used to care being shown to allow you to accommodate your loved ones with ASPD without feeling hurt. If that isn't something that can work for you, that's okay. It's okay to have boundaries and be honest with yourself about what things you are incompatible with. However, at that point, the only thing to do that would be fair in my opinion is to separate yourself from the people with ASPD that are in your life.
I'm not suggesting you never speak to them again (although you are certainly allowed to make that choice for yourself). I'm suggesting you may need to restructure your relationships with those people such that feeling like they don't care (so long as they are doing their best to show they do) won't negatively impact you. In other words, for example, if you can't handle a partner showing they care the way they do because of their ASPD, then it's your job to end that relationship with them and either entirely remove yourself from their life, or just be friends.
If that's the choice you need to make for yourself, then I think it's important that you stress to them that this is not anything they have done wrong or need to work on - that it is an issue with how you are able perceive people caring about you. It's hard to say this in a way that won't sound ableist, because admittedly the issue would be rooted in some societal ableism (not really ableism on your part, just that the way children are taught to perceive love is incompatible with ASPD and even other disorders that can affect empathy and such).
It is very important to note that most of this does not apply if what you are dealing with is abuse - meaning for the purposes of this that they know they are hurting you, they are in control of the behavior that is hurting you, and are choosing to continue it without making any effort to change despite you clearly communicate your pain and what exactly is causing it. To evaluate that, you need to be objective and really ask yourself if you're coming from a reasonable place or not. Are you asking this person to either not have a disorder or allow you to pick and choose what symptoms you find acceptable? Or are you communicating boundaries to protect your wellbeing and making compromises that work for both of you while respecting their past and their symptoms? Those are two very different things, and there are shades of gray inbetween. Asking another prosocial who has not intentionally worked to unlearn their ableism against ASPD and done their research into its symptoms or a pwASPD who has not taken reasonable steps to heal their trauma and not hurt those close to them is not going to be truly objective. If you have a therapist who is aware of and respectful of ASPD, they would be a relatively objective place to evaluate what is abusive vs symptoms they can't be expected to control, assuming you could keep your language neutral (moreso than in your ask, which while not disrespectful or ableist, was definitely not entirely neutral). However, as a person with ASPD I would always prefer my partner speak to me about their concerns over my behavior before they ask anyone else - so if you haven't done that, I would certainly advise you to start there.
Even if any of the things I said are ableist or are rooted in ableism apply to you, it's worth noting I'm not saying or implying you are ableist yourself. Evidently, you came to a blog to get help with this situation from someone who understands the perspective of your loved one as much as possible, and that shows you likely aren't ableist - but as you mentioned one can have ableism to unlearn while not being ableist themselves. Please do not take any of this post as aggressive or attacking. It was all written in a neutral tone, I promise. I am aware how my text tone can come off to prosocials, which is why I specify this. If I was upset with the ask or thought you were just an ableist person or that the ask was disrespectful/not in good faith, I would just delete it.
I hope this helps and if you have or need any clarification, have any other questions, etc. you are more than welcome to submit them to me./gen
#aspd-culture-is#aspd culture is#aspd culture#actually aspd#aspd#aspd awareness#actually antisocial#antisocial personality disorder#aspd traits#anons welcome
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what are your neurodivergent headcanons for hq characters?
asdfjhgfds sorry this has been in my askbox for a few days ive been busy w/ Life Stuff TM but anyways ND haikyuu headcanons lets gooo
hinata:
ik bc hes Sunshiney and Loud lots of ppl read hinata as adhd, which i can deffo see, but personally i read him as autistic
hes extroverted and good at adopting introverts (kageyama, kenma, yachi, tsukki) but when u stop to think abt it hes also actually kinda bad at social ques and 'normal' behaviour?? i think ppl dont notice bc hes also rlly nice but hinata is actually pretty blunt lmao
his special interest is literally volleyball cmon now
its canon that he dislikes being in classes too long or doing homework bc he finds sitting still for too long difficult, both me and my autistic older brother used to get up and pace around our classrooms when we were younger
even though hes rlly athletic and has insane reflexes obviously, hes also pretty clusmy and especially bad at judging distances which to me looks like dyspraxia which is really commonly comorbid w/ autism
ive also read a few fics where he has tourettes syndrome w/ body tic and i can deffo see why ppl would hc that
idk hes just reads as autistic so well in my mind like idk why its not a more common take
kageyama:
this one is less of a headcanon and moreso just interpreting the text correctly; hes definitely autistic
like its my belief that furudate either knowingly wrote kageyama as autistic or like based his personality off of an irl autistic person they knew or SOMETHING bc its actually insane how well he reads as autistic
the lack of social skills? the anger issues? the deep special interest in volleyball? the just wanting to express your feelings/opinions but coming off as rude but not knowing how to fix that? middle school being a living hell? having that one family member who Got you? the high level of skill in one particular area? hes literally the texboox definition of autism
even the little things like how he files his nails and jokes go over his head and he accidentally insults ppl bc hes calling it how he sees it and how he basically had no friends growing up bc he was too focused on volleyball and how he struggles to smile on command like!!! thats autism babe!!!!!!
oh also hes dyslexic bc im dyslexic and i say so
ushijima:
same as kageyama i bet he was either knowing written as autistic or based off of an irl person who is
blunt as all hell, monotone voice and facial expressions, volleyball as a special interest, bad at social interaction, accidentally rude, the list goes on and on
like his whole thing about how his left handedness makes him different but is also a gift that benefits him in some ways? thats a metaphor for neurodivergency dont @ me
oikawa:
i hc him as having narcisstic personality disorder, not in the ableist reddit-user 'all ppl w/ npd are evil manipulative abusers' way but in the ' i have npd and know what it actually looks like' way
hiding massive insecurities by acting like youre amazing?? that fuckin marina lyric thats like 'i feel like im the worst so i always act like im the best'?? that was abt oikawa tooru and npd
feeling threatened the second someone as good or better than you shows up? fixating on one specific thing that you have to be the best at? those are npd as fuck traits
the way he can basically get along with anyone and adjust his play style to suit them but only has a few close friendships where he can let his true personality rlly shine through
hes literally so npd coded augh <3
bokuto:
i read him as adhd and having cyclothymia
i think he was unmedicated in high school and unknowingly had depressive and hypomanic episodes which affected his play
he also very much reads as having rejection sensitive dysphoria if u ask me
and the way he talks and bounces around and has All That Damn Energy gives me adhd vibes, esp pared w/ his poor volume control ad the way he ignores social cues lol
okay quickfire round bc im getting tired of typing
atsumu is autistic, so is osamu for that matter, theyre just at very different points on the spectrum and rub each other up the wrong way a lot of the time bc of it
kita is also autistic bc no neurodivergent person is that particular about doing things the 'right' way
hoshiumi is autistic and adhd
asahi and yamaguchi read like they struggled w/ anxiety and depression
sakusa has ocpd and ocd (contamination ocd specifically) and mysophobia
kyoutani has aspd, again not in a 'aspd = violent agressive psychopaths' way but in a 'i actually have a cluster b personality disorder' way, and adhd also
kenma is autistic and has social anxiety
yachi has social anxiety too bc cmon now
tsukki reads to me as having chronic depression, i think i could also make a case for him being autistic too ngl
tendou is some flavour of neurodivergent, probally audhd, probably some other stuff, idk but hes definitely not neurotypical
like hinata, lev reads as autistic to me even tho hes got that goodball energy thatd make lots of ppl read him as adhd bc like,, he just fuckin sucks at social interaction like he is accidentally rude all the damn time lmaoo
fukunaga and aone are both autistic w/ selective mutism and/or partial to moderate non-verbalness
obviously its none of my business and i think having headcanons abt irl ppl is Fucking Weird but i wouldnt be surprised if furudate themself was autistic bc truly so many characters in haikyuu can be read that way if u ask me, although maybe im just projecting lol
#haikyuu!!#haikyuu!! headcanons#q and hey hey hey!#tumblr: akiraetzchen#og post //#theres prolly more im missing but these r off the top of my head#obvi theyre just hcs tho ppl are free to have different interpretations#except kageyama being autistic. i KNOW im correct abt that one.#also i promise this blog isnt dead i do still love haikyuu v much im just also super obsessed w/ bluelock rn
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Anyways, I also wanted to say. You’re doing wonderful work having this blog up and running.
My first encounter with this kind of ableism was about schizophrenia. My uncle, the sweetest most gentle person I knew, had schizophrenia. When he passed away, my aunt (extremely ableist despite formerly working with disabled kids) made all kinds of nasty comments and assumptions about him in front of me afterwards, even trying to bait me and my sister into talking bad about him. It made me feel horrible, as I had the same symptoms as him, and I thought“how could someone be so horrible to someone just because of a disorder, even to someone they knew?” It really made me reconsider everything I’d been told about different mental illnesses, and led to me debunking and stopping my belief in things like “narcissistic abuse”.
Without accounts like yours, and people willing to stand up for others like you, that wouldn’t have been possible. With all the ableism everywhere, it’s more important than ever to keep fighting for stigmatized and demonized disorders. It makes me feel a little better, knowing that for every nasty Psych2go video or dangerous npd abusé article, there’s someone who will stand up for narcissists, or narcissists that will refuse to be quieted by the stigma.
So thank you very much! For everything you do on this account.
That's wonderful to hear, anon. I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle, and about your mother's behaviour towards you following his passing. I can't imagine how hurtful that must have been.
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I dreamt about the First T last night, L. I can't remember the story-line, but it felt real. It felt like how I felt back then - in complete awe of her. She felt like a shining light. She opened the door to a whole new world, in which there were (relatively) competent adults who actually cared. Just like the narrative I had about Bf, it felt like she saved me. She taught me about different emotions people can have. She was strong and funny and thoughtful at the same time.
Sometimes she wasn't, of course. But that's not how I saw her. I really idolized her and fantasized about what her life must be like. Sometimes she let things slip about her other workplaces. She worked in a facility for juvenile delinquents, as a teacher for budding therapists, and used to work in child protective services. She clearly had tons of experience with boundary-pushing, difficult children and teens. Experience with building unlikely alliances. And I'm still impressed by how she helped me, way before I knew how to help myself. It was by no means perfect, but she did have a sense of what I needed and how to approach me. Even when she was maybe scared about it, because she looked like a deer in headlights relatively often (lol). Ending treatment was a different story. She had no idea on what path she put me - budding discovery of parts and trauma stuff that couldn't be ignored anymore. She made lots of mistakes at times.
And she met Bf once. I really wonder what she thought of him. He told me later that he'd wanted to fuck her, that she was good. Such a bizarre thing to say, let alone to a 16 year old. I didn't even notice the weirdness.
Bf got diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder when we were in a relationship. He received schema therapy and talked a lot about his past, how it was caused, the different sides to him.
Last night I watched a documentary about forensic mental health care and it was like both of these elements came together. There she was, my L. Reflected in the caring and thoughtful staff. In the patients I saw Bf everywhere. Smooth talking, good intentions - sometimes horrible actions. The journalist said that he felt like his inner compass didn't seem to work in the facility.
I have this one colleague that we will have to confront about (likely unintentionally) crossing people's boundaries. I wonder if my inner compass also didn't work with him. How did I not see this?
Sometimes I worry if my strategies for dealing with my dad give me a massive blindspot. I can handle "scary" colleagues and build rapport with them. They usually end up respecting me and there is no problem. But other people feel unsafe and guess what, maybe they are. I may be the outlier that didn't feel that and I'm really sorry I didn't see it.
My dad got suspended and eventually fired from his job for crossing people's boundaries. He said some really fucked up things, but I suspect that it mostly was because he behaved like he did at home at the dinner table - going on and on until people break.
He didn't notice that there was a colleague who really was even more malicious. I'm sure it was someone like Bf. Someone charming and oh so dangerous. I do know he was also diagnosed with NPD. I hope it was someone that L would have sniffed out - maybe. I wonder if she realized about Bf or if he also succeeded at charming her. Either way, I failed to see it with Bf and I really hope that one day I will learn to see it, even with my colleagues.
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Have you heard about Kohakus?
I am so normal about Kohaku.
I have already written multiple essays on her and how she makes me feel understood in a way no fictional character has before, for reasons that go beyond the obvious too. I feel a strange kind of connection to her to the point where I might even feel empathy for her (though it may just be projection) and she has started to voice some thoughts of mine in a way.
First, the more obvious reasons why I might feel this way.
There are the similarities in backgrounds. I also grew up with an abusive, authoritarian, dangerously short-tempered, violent, and very wealthy man. He didn't keep me confined to a single room or hurt me every single day, it wasn't quite that bad (and in my case it was mostly non-sexual as well), but it still left me in a hopeless state and damaged my brain in ways that I can't deny.
And, like her, I found a little bit of comfort in just deciding to stop caring about my problems and ceasing to feel things so I can just dissociate through those kinds of events. Even now after a lot of recovery I still find myself "going cold" when under stress even without trying to.
But there are other points that connect me to her in ways that I consider much more important than these broader areas. I don't relate to every character who endured child abuse this much after all.
What makes her stand out to me is not that she was abused, or even that she disconnected from her emotions as a result of it. It is that she became deceitful and manipulative as a result of the abuse and then used that against her abusers, creating a long-term plot.
My own "Kohaku Arc" (if we can call it that) was the single most dramatically life-changing and character-defining period of my life and lasted from late 2011 to around the middle of 2015. I was even posting for most of it so people who knew me from my previous blog probably saw what happened live.
The summary is that I manipulated my family into sending me to Canada "to study", only to run away and apply for asylum. I succeeded completely and to this day they still don't know what it is that I did.
This really felt like it was the "main quest" of my life. It was the climax of everything I had planned for literal years. In hindsight, it is entirely unsurprising that I'd connect with and root for a character who is using similar tools (deception, patience, emotional self-control, etc.) against her own abusers.
But there's so much more than that as well.
There is the way in which she is really good low empathy representation despite being a villain with a 100+ indirect death toll. I don't think she is a perfect fit for NPD or that she was written with NPD in mind, but there are definitely lots of obvious things about her that resemble the way people with NPD are described. For example:
There's also the way in which she also put more abuse on her own plate for the sake of protecting someone (although in my case it was my mother rather than a younger sibling).
The way she lost her identity and struggled to find something to live for at all due to the void created by the abuse.
The way she decided that being a human was painful and it would be best to become a doll (something I also expressed very literally many years ago).
The way she re-created herself as a cheerful and energetic person despite it all, and eventually truly became the kind of person she wished to be.
It all feels very real and I have already written a lot about it in other posts too.
Though, as I said above, my own route is already all done and the good ending has been achieved so I'm more of an Epilogue Kohaku with a real smile by now if anything.
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@big-d-little-i-big-n-little-ozzo
He barely got any sleep, and if he did, it was mostly the side effects of the pain killers he took to deal with the pain of his last case before the towers fell. Since then everything feels like a blur. Trying to report what happened had been hell that day. He couldn’t leave Grace’s side yet there was the horrid tension of something grander happening all around them. Finally getting through using a personal number of his captain, he got some help sent his way. He was seen just briefly enough to get things cleaned, bound, set, and then he was discharged.
Every pair of hands was needed as details came in. He barely managed a phone call with Rachel to check in and make sure she and Gracie were okay. NPD told him to take a day or so after what happened to him and he could have used that time to be with his daughter. Things with Rachel lately have been cold and for as much as he wanted to be in denial, he knew that their one year old and adjusting to new routines wasn’t the majority of their issues.
Instead he reported to his father’s firehouse and asked where he could be sent to. He joined his dad’s squad as a volunteer as they tried to tackle the chaos and destruction befallen their country.
Danny lost count of the hours. Adrenaline soared through him keeping a lot of his pain away. It wasn’t until he was barked an order from his father that he stepped away for a bit. Instead of going home, he found himself in a dive bar that was opened and not over packed.
He got lost in thought more than a few times, some of the events that happened barely sinking in, if they even were. Trying to keep his mind sharp and be ready for whenever he was called in again, he looked around and spotted someone else who looked like they’ve been out and in the thick of it just like him. Hailing one of the servers, he asked them to send the man a drink on his behalf. If situations were far different, he could have taken more time to marvel at how handsome the man was. Currently...he was just trying to fight off the confusing emotions and thoughts that laid under a thin layer beneath the surface, while also sending a show of appreciation to someone else. There was as much of metaphorical smoke as there was literal...when it cleaned, god knows how much they’ve all lost.
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Oh, I’m deeply sorry! I never intended to cause any sort of trouble, I just didn't want you to come off as something you weren’t. It was never my intention to bring any sort of mental health discourse into your blog, I just wanted to help.
[referring to this conversation]
All good Nonnie. No harm, no foul.
I think this is a good reminder for all of us to be careful about the assumptions we make when engaging with people online.
For the record, I’m more than happy to be fact-checked when I’ve posted or shared incorrect/ outdated information - I try to do my own basic checks where I can but that doesn’t mean I’m always going to get it right.
The reason I was confused by (and also pushed back on) your first ask was that it seemed to be based on some pretty unfounded assumptions.
Your ask implied that the Vlad post was reinforcing harmful stereotypes about NPD, which was very baffling because I could cite sections from the post where I had said that Narcissism wasn’t inherently villainous, that it wasn’t the sole cause of Vlad’s villainy, that he was capable of change, and had even given some examples of heroic characters with narcissistic/egocentric traits. It was like you had somehow assumed the direct opposite of what I’d actually written.
Your ask also talked about how there weren’t “subtypes” of NPD in the context of the term “malignant narcissism”, but that wasn’t even a claim I had made. I was using the term to specify a subset of problem behaviours and thought patterns - similar to how we use terms like “toxic masculinity” and “exclusionary radical feminist” to avoid tarring whole demographics with one broad brush. Granted, I may not have been super clear about this (although in context, it was a fandom character-meta-post, not a dissertation on NPD) but your assumption still seemed to come a little out of left field.
Then there was the assumption that did bother me. I said the following to contextualise the position I was speaking from:
This might be coming from personal experience - I’ll spare you the details but there are some abusive malignant narcissists in my extended family and I’ve observed this kind of behaviour and its consequences in real life.
Your ask seems to have extrapolated this to an assumption that 1) I was claiming that all abusive people have NPD; 2) that I had “automatically” decided my relatives had NPD just because they were abusive and that I was the kind of person who would do that, and; 3) made some indirect assumptions about the nature of the abuse my family had experienced. Even though 1) I never said or even implied that and had actually refuted the “all narcissists are villains” thing earlier in the post; 2) you had no information on which to base this, and; 3) you again had no information on which to base this. Just as a general rule, if someone is talking about their personal experience with abuse, it is not a good idea to automatically assume you know things that haven’t been shared with you, and it is a very bad idea to act on those assumptions without checking. Even if you have had experience with abuse yourself, you should not assume your experiences are comparable. In this situation you knew very little, and your assumptions came dangerously close to putting words in my mouth (as well as feeling more than a little dismissive).
I also want to mention the nature of anonymous asks. When you send me something on anon it’s as though we are strangers speaking for the first time. The only way for me to recognise you as a regular or returning visitor is for you to deanonymise and send me things using your handle. I can’t even guarantee that the person I am responding to now is the same person who sent the first ask (reasonably I would assume so, but I have no way to confirm).
I believe you when you say you had good intentions and were trying to help. But from my end what this looked like was that a stranger had come onto my blog, made a number of largely unfounded (and in one case easily disprovable) assumptions about my intent, my experiences and my personal character based on a single post, and had then concluded from those assumptions that I was “slightly ableist”. In this context you might be able to understand why I pushed back the way I did and why it would have raised a light warning for potential bad-faith discourse.
And look, Nonnie, I’m not mad at you. It’s hard to communicate tone via text but I’m not angry and I’m not spelling this out with the intent to shame you or make you feel bad. I just want to make it clear how things went awry here and how it felt from the other side.
I can’t speak to your experiences (literally: you’re anonymous). I don’t know what your corner of the Tumblr community looks like, what its conventions are or how long you’ve been there. I can’t know your relationship to mental health or abuse. It can be an emotionally fraught topic, with a lot of potential stigma and trauma attached. I don’t know what mindset you were in when you read my post, or how it made you feel. And I certainly don’t expect you to know information about me when I never made that information available.
All I know is that it’s a good idea to be conscious of the assumptions we might be bringing to our own engagement. Confirmation bias can be a heck of a thing, especially for stuff we’re already hyperaware about. Before we decide to confront someone, it’s good to take a breath (if we can) and check that we’re doing so based on what’s actually there, not what we think we’ve seen (or in some cases maybe even wanted to see). And even after that, it helps to consider exactly what we hope to achieve.
The best intentions are only as good as their execution. As they say: to assume is to make an ass of you and me.
In this case, execution could have used a bit of work. But no hard feelings. We all mess up sometimes. Just, maybe be a little more careful in the future?
#apology accepted#just be more careful next time#3WD Answers#3WD Responds#loads a bucket of sugar cubes into the trebuchet and launches them across the river to placate the Disk Horse#hopefully it is gone now#this is a messy topic and it’s challenging to have conversations about#(not emotionally for me - this is a part of my life I’m pretty fine with - it just… requires SO MUCH delicacy to handle)#for the record my family has had multiple toxic/abusive people across different generations#Some of them showed behaviours consistent with NPD. Some showed signs consistent with other assorted conditions. And some were just wanke#you couldn’t have known that Nonnie#but you also shouldn’t have assumed to know.
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Anon who’s dog had a seizure. I wanted to be able to give a positive update, but I won’t be able to. I was woken up by a call at around 1:30am from my mom and the first thing she said was “[my dogs name] died”
I don’t know all the details, I was in a full fledge panic attack and was overcome with despair when it was either explained to me or I overheard (frankly, I don’t remember) but apparently at some point either last night or veryyyyy early this morning my mom let the dog out to use the restroom, and he collapsed again similarly to how he did two days ago. My mom rushed him to the emergency vet (a thirty minute drive) but he didn’t even make it there.
I think I was dry heaving at some point because my panic was so bad. I ended up going to the vet with my dad so I could say goodbye (he had before my mom left with the dog) and ngl, going with him did not help in the slightest. My dad has NPD and he kept making the situation about himself and I stg I was ready to throw myself out the car window in the middle of the freeway and walk the rest of the way there OOP—
I was afraid we wouldn’t be able to because of Covid, but we were allowed to all head into the vet and hold him and give proper goodbyes before they took him to be cremated (they have a partnership with some place that does all that jazz). It was rough. He’s a small dog, only 18 pounds, but just holding him felt so different. There was no resistance when I picked him up (I’m not his favorite person lol, so he’d always deadpan and shuffle away a little from me before giving in whenever i’d make grabby hands hahaha) and it was just rough.
A year and a half ago my old bird passed away in that same emergency vet, so I just felt like I was suffocating the whole time. It was basically history repeating itself and I had a ✨mental breakdown✨ while cradling the pooch. My mom almost had to drag me out 2.5 hours later because I didn’t want to leave him. I tried to be strong, he was her dog in the end and they had an unbreakable bond. I should’ve been the one comforting her, not the other way around. I totally failed lol.
Thank god I was able to go home with my mom and not my dad. I wanted to be the one to drive home so she could rest, but I didn’t have the energy to protest when I saw she was already in the drivers seat.
We’ve had him since he was a few months old. I was in first grade at the time, and despite us having a very rocky start (young me didn’t like all the attention he received bc it used to be mine) he was my lil buddy and I would have done anything for him. I was looking forward to taking my senior and graduation pictures with him soon, but it seems like that won’t be happening. I just wish I did more with him.
Sorry for rambling and being so depressing! I haven’t gotten much sleep over the past two nights so I’m really out of it.
If it’s not too much to ask for, could I have a part ii of my previous request but have it involving what I wrote above? Asdfghjkl my depressed ass needs comfort and all of my friends are in school LOL. (Thank god I was called off from school this time) Plus, I don’t wanna make my mom feel worse by adding my grief on top of her own (I hope that made sense)
Part 1
(A/N): anon, I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. From what you sent me about him, he sounded like an absolute delight to be around and a very good boy. You deserve to grieve too, even if you don’t think you should. Grieving is healthy and it’s something that shouldn’t be ignored. Everyone grieves differently, so maybe you and your mom could reminisce on the good times with him? Only if you both feel comfortable doing so of course. Please get some sleep, drink plenty of water, and eat some food if you haven’t already. My DMs are always open if you ever want to talk <3
Warnings: death of a dog and bird (mentioned), panic attacks, NPD parent mention
You were jolted awake by a loud ring from your phone laying on your nightstand. It was the ringtone you specifically set for your mom. Blinking deliriously, you answered with a raspy, “mom?”
You were only met with her choked sobs on the other end. This woke you up completely as you turned on a lamp and sat up fully in your bed, “mom what’s wrong?”
“(Dog name)...” She was unable to say your dog's name before she broke into more harsh sobbing. Worry and fear pricked your gut at the mention of your dog’s name. “What about (dog name)? What’s going on?”
“He d-died, (y/n). He isn’t suffering anymore.” You felt as if ice cold water was poured onto you as you sat staring at the wall in shock. Faintly you heard your mom telling you how it happened, but you didn’t register her words. The words that came out of your mother’s mouth were nearly incomprehensible anyways due to her distress. You didn’t know when she hung up, but the next time you looked at the phone screen your homescreen met you: a picture of you, Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy at an amusement park.
Your panic attack had escalated to you dry heaving over the toilet after puking up your dinner. You felt like you were suffocating as you remembered the techniques Techno used a few days prior. You stumbled up from a crouch and scrambled over to the sink. Your hands could barely grab the faucet and turn it on as you lost most of your sense of spatial awareness and everything you touched felt distant, like every single synapse in your body was both simultaneously working in overdrive and failing at the same time. The water was as cold as it was going to get, so you plunged your hands into the liquid and felt your body jolt at the temperature. After a while, your hands turned numb after regaining some senses back so you shakily cupped your hands under the faucet and gathered water into your hands. You splashed it at your face and felt yourself becoming more grounded as time passed.
By the time you left the bathroom, your dad gathered you into the car and started to drive you to the emergency vet. The entire time he was ranting about how you needed to pull yourself together because the dog was closer to him than to you. That definitely did not help in any way, it made you want to jump out of the car and walk the rest of the way to the vet. It would be better than having someone constantly belittling you for grieving. The ride was hell, but you persevered for (dog name). You needed to say goodbye to him.
When you left the car and walked into the building, it felt as if you were walking through the nine rings of hell with blazing infernos licking at your skin with every step. Dread and despair filled and overwhelmed you with every step.
When a nurse escorted you to the room, she offered you her condolences and left you to say goodbye. With wide eyes, you slowly walked over to your mom and saw the motionless bundle of fur in her hands. It looked like he was sleeping, but you knew better. She looked at you with so much heartbreak and sadness as tears slipped down her cheeks that you remembered that he was her dog in the end and they’ve always had an unbreakable bond. You needed to be strong for her.
Your stony facade broke the second your mom handed you (dog name). He was cold and stiff as he laid unmoving in your arms, not even trying to wiggle out of your embrace like he always did. You were never his favorite person. He felt so… different. So wrong.
Time passed around you as you held him and cried into his fur. This situation was very similar to your previous one that happened about a year and a half ago when your bird passed away and that was what finally sent you over the edge. Before you knew it, your mom was dragging you out of the building so he could get cremated. Your dad had long since gone home so he could get ready for work, so that left you to ride home with your mom. Not that you were complaining, it was certainly better than riding home with your dad. You just wished that you could drive so she could get some rest.
By time you got home, it was about the same time you would leave for school. As you were driving down your neighborhood, you saw a very familiar car pass you. It was Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy’s car. They were probably going to school. You kept your head down and stared intensely at your tightly clasped hands.
The second the car was in park in your driveway, you made a beeline for your room. For the rest of the day, you hid underneath your covers and ignored the incessant buzzing of your phone on the nightstand. You spent that time alone having a panic attack. This was your longest and most intense one yet, by the time it finally calmed down it was 10:30 at night.
You smacked your dry lips together and feel absolutely drained. The buzzing still wouldn’t let up, so you reached out with a shaky hand and opened your phone. You had at least eighty combined missed texts from Wilbur, Tommy, and Techno.
Tuesday, Innit?
Yo, the fuck’s goin on?
Why the hell did you ignore us when we passed you???
Music man take me by the hand lead me to the land
Ignore that dumbass
What’s going on? You weren’t at school today
(Y/n)?
Technology Sword
You don’t have to tell us what happened if you’re not comfortable
Just tell us if you’re okay
That was only the start of the messages in the group chat. Granted it was mostly Tommy spamming your name and Wilbur and Techno trying to get him to chill out, but some of the messages managed to calm the swirling panic inside of you slightly. Your phone buzzed as you got another text. This time, it was an individual one from Technoblade.
Technology Sword
Look out your window, grab your notebook
You raised your eyebrows slightly as you read the message. Your window was right across from Technoblade’s, so when you saw Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” music video and showed it to Techno, you both decided that this would be your primary communication before you eventually got phones. It wasted a ton of paper, but you both felt like the main characters in a story so you kept doing it. You hadn’t done this since you got your phone and he got his.
After you grabbed your spare notebook and a sharpie, you sat up in your bed and turned on your lamp. When you opened your curtains, you saw Techno smiling at you before he grabbed his notebook and wrote ‘hello’.
You uncapped your marker, wrote ‘hi’, and shakily raised it to him. You saw him frown at your shakiness, he wrote ‘you okay?’
You stared at your paper for a bit contemplating whether or not you should tell him the truth. It was no use in lying to him, he knew you better than you knew yourself. After a moment, you wrote ‘no’.
You watched as he frowned and his eyebrows crinkled together in an upwards slant. ‘Discord?’
‘Sure’
You closed your curtains once more and opened up your PC. You could already see that Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy were in a separate voice channel. When you joined, you were startled by Tommy’s loud screaming and Wilbur’s hysterical laughter.
“WILBUR YOU PRICK WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT I WORKED SO HARD GETTING THAT NETHERITE!”
They were interrupted by a knock on Tommy’s door, “Tommy for the love of god it’s almost eleven at night kiddo. You can keep playing but please just keep it down.”
“SORRY DADZA!”
“Good job dumbass,” Wilbur chuckled.
“Hey (y/n), how’re you?” Techno’s somewhat pointed voice interrupted them. “(Y/N)! Please tell Wilbur that it’s not cool to borrow my armor and ‘accidentally’ fall into a lava lake.”
“It was an accident I swear!” Wilbur’s slight chuckle told you otherwise. “Wilbur,” your croaky and wobbly voice scolded him quietly, “not cool.”
The voice channel went silent as you logged into your shared minecraft server. You immediately spawned in the main lobby at spawn that you built the last time you logged in. You got to work gathering wood for walls you were going to build around the city. You saw Techno’s character run to you and help you gather wood.
“...You good, (y/n)?” Tommy’s voice took on an uncharacteristic level of gentleness and concern.
“‘M fine.”
After a while of silence, you heard keyboards start to click again. Gradually conversation started back up and everything felt lighthearted once more. Though, you only talked when you were prompted to. After gathering the correct amount of wood, you and Techno went back to your house so you could craft some slabs. However as you approached the crafting table, you passed your bed. Next to your bed was your pet dog, barking slightly and looking at you with it’s pixel eyes.
You could feel tears well up in your eyes at the sight of the pixelated dog. With a lump forming in your throat you struggled to breathe through it, your breaths coming out shuttering. You made quick work of muting yourself on Discord and started sobbing, the white dog staring at you sitting on top of your minecraft bed. This wasn’t a panic attack, you knew that. But you still felt overcome by a massive wave of grief.
After a bit, you saw Techno’s character pop in front of you and start hitting the air. In chat, you saw that he private messaged you ‘vc 2’
You clicked off the main voice chat and was immediately greeted by Techno’s gentle voice. “What’s goin on buddy?” He was only met with your sobs, “deep breaths.”
“I’m not having a panic attack.”
“Still, deep breaths are good. Follow me.” With that, you two worked on getting your breathing back to normal and your tears slowly stopped. The entire time he was giving you praise and gentle reassurances whenever you tried to apologize to him. By the time you stopped crying you felt almost completely drained.
“You okay now?” You hummed in confirmation, too tired to say anything. “Thank you Tech, I-I’m sorry-”
“Stop apologizing for feeling emotions. They’re one hundred percent valid… Do you feel comfortable telling me what happened?”
“I…” You trailed off as you couldn’t bring yourself to say the words out loud. “You don’t have to tell me, ya know.” Technoblade gently reminded you.
“I’ll PM it to you.” With that, you PMed him on minecraft explaining that your dog died this morning. “Fuck, I’m so sorry (y/n). I’m sure he isn’t suffering anymore. Did- did they ever find out what caused the seizures?”
“No, but… he had tons of health issues that I’m glad he doesn’t have to deal with anymore.”
“Do you wanna talk about the good times with him with Wil and Tommy? If you don’t want to we can just talk about them here.”
“Let’s rejoin the main voice channel.”
“Hey (y/n), how’re you doing?” Wilbur gently asked you. “I’m alright, do- do you guys know what happened?” They both said yes. Technoblade must’ve told them what was happening.
“(Y/n) come outside. We built something for you.” Tommy was uncharastically gentle.
When you moved to go outside of your minecraft house and Wilbur and Tommy led you to an empty spot in the city you four were building, you stopped in your tracks. In front of you built in various types of stone was a dog statue. In front of it stood a sign that read ‘in loving memory of (dog name)’.
“We aren’t done with it, but we can finish it in a couple of hours,” Wilbur mumbled into the microphone.
“No, it’s perfect as it is. I don’t know what to say guys…”
“You don’t have to say anything, just know that we’re here for you.” Tommy said, his minecraft character walking over to your own and hitting you.
“Oi, don’t hit them!” Techno punched him back and that started an all out brawl between the two. It quickly ended when Techno pulled out his fully enchanted netherite sword named ‘Orphan Obliterator’.
“Get fucked, nerd.” You could just tell Tommy was holding in screaming at his brother. “I’m not the nerd here, you’re the one that reads for fun.” Tommy retorted. You heard shuffling on Techno’s end and him walking away from his PC. You were about to ask what was happening before you heard Tommy silently scream in terror. “Oh fuck he’s coming!” You assumed that Tommy ran to lock his door. Not long after that you heard a knock, “I just wanna talk.”
“No! You-”
“I just wanna talk.”
“Let him talk, Tommy!”
“NO WILBUR.”
You heard Philza’s groggy muffled voice, “it is midnight on a Friday. I don’t care what happens or who fights who, just do it in your own rooms and do it quietly.”
“Sorry Dad,” you heard Techno’s retreating steps before he returned to his chair. “You’re a douche, Technoblade.”
“I just wanted to talk, Tommy.” At that, Techno started beating Tommy to death once more. Each time he would kill Tommy, he would give Tommy a small head start before he would find him again. While this was happening, Wilbur PMed you ‘wanna prank Tommy and Techno? I’m thinking we put chickens under their houses’.
You looked at his player and nodded. You and Wilbur got to work luring chickens into holes you dug around their bases and burying them so that they were close enough to hear, but deep enough for it to be mildly inconvenient finding them. After you two were done with that, you met at spawn again.
“Techno stop killing Tommy. We want to tell stories about (dog name).” You saw Techno’s character sprint to your group and Tommy’s come up from a hole in the ground. “I was just about to find him.”
“Thank you! God, I hate it when he does that.”
The rest of the night you four spent reminiscing on the funny things that (dog name) did over the years. At some points you even laughed along with them. After you told them that you wanted to take your senior pictures with him, Techno offered to edit him into your photos. You didn’t know when you passed out but when you woke up, you had a crick in your neck and your PC monitor was off. You could hear three sets of soft snoring on the other end of the call. You felt yourself drifting off to their gentle breathing and smiled slightly; with them, everything felt better.
#sbi x reader#sleepy bois x reader#sleepy bois inc x reader#technoblade x reader#wilbur soot x reader#tommyinnit x reader#mcyt x reader#dream smp x reader#sbi family au#requests#hellion's requests#tw: panic attack#tw: anxiety#tw: animal death#tw: animal injury#tw: swearing
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The Vil Essay(tm)
Vil Schoenheit, the dorm leader of Pomefiore and a 3rd year at Night Raven College. He is a character that people seem to mischaracterize often, which is a shame. People like to write him off as narcissistic and vain and that’s about it, but these people miss every other aspect about him and only focus on the parts openly apparent due to his association with Snow White’s Evil Queen. He is such an interesting character, and it is a shame people dumb him down to his want to be beautiful as his only personality.
Throughout the 19 character stories he appears in (at the time of writing this), he is shown to be a much deeper and thoughtful character than some people make him out to be. Out of the 57 notes made from every story he appears in, Vil has only shown the stereotypical nature that fanon has given him in 9 of them. So yes, while the traits are there, they are simply a small part of a greater, more complex personality.
His strictness and attention to his appearance aren’t out of narcissism though, he is in no way narcissistic. The definition of a Narcissist is, according to Merriam-Webster definition A of Entry 1, “an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance,” and yeah, if you take Vil at face value, you could assume this is true of him, but if you look more into him and read the stories he appears in, you would quickly see that this is not the case. Another thing is that Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), according to Oxford, is “a personality disorder characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for other people.” That last part, “lack of empathy,” is a big thing, as it is seen that Vil does have empathy. He knows that he is strict, and he knows that the routines that he makes the students of Pomefiore go through can be hard and stressful for them, and he understands that not everyone can keep up with it, which is why he looks for effort overall. If the students he looks after put at least some effort into trying to keep up with the skin and hair routines Vil puts in place, he will be happy.
Moving on from that, it is seen that Vil is rather observant. For example: In his lab SR story, he is able to tell the slight difference in the color of the potion he and Rook were trying to create, and in Jamil’s Fairy Gala SR story, it is seen that he can accurately pick out the issues in 3 separate people that he was coaching at the same time, telling Leona, Kalim, and Jamil the flaws in their practice. To elaborate on this, he was able to tell Leona wasn’t motivated just by watching him practice, he noticed all of Kalim’s mistakes in his dancing, and how Jamil’s dancing fails in being able to captivate an audience. He watched the 3 of them practice at the exact same time and picked all of these out, informing them of their shortcomings.
Now, for the idea that Vil is self-centered and doesn’t care about anyone but himself… There is much evidence that shows this is not the case. One of the biggest is the entirety of his Ceremonial Robe SR story. The story is focused on him and Jack for the most part, to the point he makes a cameo in the Groovy art for the card.
If you haven’t read the story, the basic summary of it is this: At the Entrance Ceremony at the start of the school year, Jack, a 1st year, sees Vil in the crowd and calls out to him. Vil responds, remembering Jack from their home is the Land of Pyroxene. He comments that Jack was one of the few people who weren’t prejudiced against Vil because of his choice of career and expression, and they spoke for a while, Vil noticing that Jack’s robes were messy but deciding to not comment on it. Later they ran into each other once more. Jack makes an offhand comment about how his ears make the robe’s hood uncomfortable, and Vil questions him on it, commenting on how the entire Robe was put on sloppily, making Jack let him fix the uniform for him so that he wears it correctly, commenting on how Jack’s build and how he should wear the robes for it to be most comfortable all while looking nice, giving him a small lesson about how the Ceremonial Robes are the most formal uniform they have.
With this story in mind, it is clear that Vil cares quite a bit for the appearance of others, and not just himself. And if his entire Robe story wasn’t enough, Leona’s uniform R card story also shows this, where Vil comments on how one or two of Leona’s buttons are loose, though he doesn’t fix it for him, given that Leona is a 20-year-old man who should know how to fix a button, until Leona annoys him enough that he just does it for him. Vil will take note of other people’s appearances, telling them the issue with their appearance and possibly how to fix it, though he has no intention of fixing it himself most of the time. And how could I forget Vil’s strict beauty regimen that he wants his entire dorm to do? He says it is in place simply to keep up Pomefiore’s beautiful image, but in reality, he wants his dorm members to become better. One of Pomefiore’s biggest things is becoming comfortable in your own body, which is, in all honesty, probably why Epel, the small, feminine-looking boy who wants to become physically strong and more like Jack, was placed there.
And speaking of Epel, one of the reasons people seem to dislike Vil is his treatment of Epel in Epel’s robe SR story, where Vil almost crushes Epel’s head in his hand and forces Epel into speaking “properly,” having good table manners and posture, and generally not letting him act like a “mud-covered potato” as Vil so lovingly referred to Epel. While yes, this behavior from Vil is a valid reason to dislike him, he has his reasons for this. Epel is considered to be extremely beautiful by nature, with his small frame and feminine appearance, and Vil knows this, which is exactly why he is so strict with Epel. Vil knows Epel hates his body for being small and frail, he knows Epel wants to be stronger, and while the way he is going about it certainly isn’t the best, Vil does want Epel to become comfortable with himself, and looking at the Ghost Marriage event, which is set after the Pomefiore chapter coming this September, it can be assumed that, during the events of Chapter 5, Vil does become laxer with how he treats Epel, given that he seems to ignore some remarks made by Epel towards him getting slapped by Eliza for not owning a large dog.
To go on a small tangent, speaking of Ghost Marriage (GM), In this event, we saw a new side to Vil, one probably coming out after he Overblots in chapter 5. He seems less forceful than he has been shown to be, especially with Epel, but for sake of not repeating information, let’s look at another detail; Vil’s use of personal pronouns. In Japanese, the terms used to refer to oneself are gendered, and Vil uses Atashi (あたし), which is a more feminine term, as opposed to using Boku (ぼく), which is generally more masculine, and for the first time in GM, we heard Vil use boku to refer to himself, specifically when he had to act like the perfect prince for Eliza, the ghost bride. Leona had specifically made a remark about Vil while he was in his act, basically saying that he knew Vil was uncomfortable referring to himself using such language and that he should stop, but for the sake of the act, he kept it up, until he got slapped that is. What can be taken from this is that Vil prefers to use feminine terms for himself, but over all he is still a man and refers to himself as such, even if he uses feminine personal pronouns
Vil is a character who is and does many things. Vil is strict. Vil is punctual. Vil critiques others. Vil points out their strengths and weaknesses. Vil helps others, in his own roundabout way. But above all, Vil cares about other people’s opinions. In most of the stories he appears in, he listens to what the person he is speaking to has to say, albeit with varying levels of patience depending on the person. He may seem forceful, yes, especially with how in Leona’s Gala SSR he ran to Savanaclaw and banged on Leona’s door demanding he came out after Leona ditched practice for the Fairy Gala, but as explained earlier, Vil has good intentions with this and he knows how Leona can get sometimes, and as such he knows that some force is needed, though there are times he can get too forceful and cause an issue.
There are so many aspects about Vil that can be taken just from his personal stories, and the way people normally portray him is definitely there, but those traits are just a few of many that create Vil’s personality. As a character he is complex, and until Pomefiore’s chapter comes out, we cannot be sure as to his true motives for wanting to achieve true beauty, but even without that, we can still look at his character and make speculation. Before the release of Chapter 5 mid September, it should be said that, whatever happens and whatever Vil does in it is going to be him at his worst, as is the trend with the Overblots. It is perfectly fine to dislike him for his actions and criticize him for them, but ultimately he is just a character. Don’t berate someone just because he is their favorite, even if you yourself don’t like him; this can be said for any character in any series, not just Vil.
#twst#twst vil schoenheit#vil schoenheit#twisted wonderland#twst vil#pomefiore#I am ready to get cancled for vil stan crimes#and for excusing epel abuse
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I had already told my bf about DID, aspd, cptsd, anxiety, and adhd. Mainly because I was having symptoms that needed explanation. Like my switches have been a bit noticeable lately with differing opinions and fluctuating personality which he's been able to notice. I got triggered. And really the aspd was more of a test to see how he would take personality disorders. I figured it was safest since he fit criteria and thinks he probably had conduct disorder as a kid.
Yesterday I talked with him more in depth on aspd. He asked me if that was why I wore a mask so much on our dates. He commented he only saw my face once for a very short time last time. Bc if I'm tired (which chronic illness flair means I am a lot) it's a lot harder for me to mask and put on an expression. I said yes and that usually I can only manage to put on expression in my voice. We talked about how I managed that in areas of life with no masks and what excuses I used. Later on I felt comfortable enough to unmask completely around him and let myself go mostly flat. It was very relaxing and he did ask if I was tired but once I told him I was just being my default he happily carried on with what he was doing as if nothing was different. He always encourages me not to put on a mask around him.
I also told him about my npd which was scary for me. Bc of how much people associate npd with abuse. Well he lives sort of in a bubble. He's not on any social media and has few friends. So he was never exposed to this idea. He barely knew what the word meant. We talked about how I was once abusive and not a good person (which he already knew) and am in therapy now. He asked why it was associated with abuse and so I forwarded him the dsm criteria along with aspd bc why not at this point. He looked it over and thought about it. Then went on a bit of a rant on how it sounds like people with npd are a group of very unliked people who have been used as a scapegoat for other peoples problems and blamed for things they didn't do. That he wasn't going to pay attention to anyone making such negative statements about a large group of people. He also found aspd made a lot of sense to him though he didn't like what criteria they included vs didn't include.
It's very nice to meet someone who is this supportive of everything
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What is your opinion on fir sibs relationship
Oof.
Alright, let me see if I can handle this as tactfully and respectfully as possible.
I should start by clarifying that I’m lucky enough to have never personally experienced domestic abuse. I do, however have some experience with kids who have, and that **** messes you up.
(I’m talking about a preteen who was so parentiated they believed they were literally the only person allowed to tell their younger sibling what to do, and would freak out at anyone who so much as suggested that little sibling clean up after themselves-- and yet they had to be kept in separate bedrooms because it wasn’t uncommon for older sibling to try to choke or be otherwise violent with younger sibling when they were left alone. I’m talking about a toddler who’d been so malnourished they couldn’t recognize their own hunger signals, and therefore had to be fed constantly, because when they were hungry, they wouldn’t eat-- just get angry-- because they were only processing this sensation as pain, not as a suggestion that “hey, now is food time.” I’m talking about a five-year-old who could barely talk, had constant panic attacks and night terrors, and whose eyes literally didn’t reflect light. (That expression about how someone’s eyes “lit up” actually means something to me, because I know what it looks like when they don’t.))
And even then, I have absolutely zero experience with victims of narcissism. (The people I knew had parents who were neglectful, who were physically violent, who were alcoholic, who were mentally disturbed to the point they couldn’t handle children-- but as far as I know, none of them had NPD.) I imagine that’s a whole ‘nother level of trauma.
In short, Zuko and Azula have both been through some serious stuff.
And their relationship with each other is toxic.
I absolutely, vehemently disagree with this idea that it’s Zuko’s responsibility to try and help Azula through her trauma, for many reasons.
First off, I hear people say that if Team Avatar was able to forgive Zuko, he is obligated to pass this onto Azula. This is so wrong on so many levels. Zuko’s issues with Aang and the others was that they were enemies fighting on opposite sides of the war. This is not a toxic relationship. This is not any sort of relationship. It’s a completely different dynamic from the one between dysfunctional siblings, and cannot be equated in any way, shape or form.
Second of all, I see a lot of talk about how Zuko should try to be for Azula what Iroh was for him. I’ve talked about this before. It is also very wrong on so many levels. These two relationships are not at all equatable.
I love Azula. I love Zuko. I really hope that someday they’re able to build a healthy relationship. But not right now, and not one that involves any sort of power dynamics. They spent their entire lives playing power games with each other, and it needs to stop. The answer is not to shift the balance of power over to Zuko’s side.
#avatar the last airbender#thoughts#fire sibs#zuko and azula#zuko#azula#toxic siblings#toxic family#cycle of abuse#cptsd#power dynamics
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May I request Alucard comforting a reader with a mother who has NPD? Cause I'm hurting a lot right now. - 💙
Firstly, I understand how you feel...my mother has PTSD and it does get very hard to deal with most of the time. Things will get better anon, I promise. It takes a step at a time.
Secondly, I’m happy to write this for you and I hope you reading this helps you feel just a little bit better. And I hope that this does not offend you or your mother in any way. If it does please let me know and I will take this post down.
This will be set up in a modern AU
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You knew she couldn’t help it, you knew that she didn’t mean what she said. But, sometimes it was too much to bear, her saying those things to you really did hurt you and to her, it didn’t seem that way.
She was always so worried about her vanity and every time she would see a flaw on you she was always quick to judge and say something that would make you feel bad about yourself.
It hurt. It always hurt but, what could you do?
Before you were alone whenever your mother’s words hit a bit to close to home. There were times you were beginning to believe the words she would tell you, that fighting back didn’t seem like an option anymore. Walking away? What good would that do? Taking it head on? Is it even worth it anymore to stand and listen to it even longer? You didnt want to continue crying alone, you didn’t want to have her words swirl in your mind, breaking you down, you wanted to tell someone-talk to someone about this.
You were done. Done with it all. It seemed almost impossible to escape it and being alone didn’t help the cause either.
That is until you met Alucard. He was the first to comfort you. To tell you to keep your head up. That the words you hear from your mother shouldn’t get to your head.
Yes, there were times you snapped at him when you couldn’t take it anymore but, Alucard didn’t take it personally. He was willing to listen whenever you were ready. And he did keep his word.
Every time you would come over, and all you gave him was silence, Alucard knew what was wrong. He would escort you inside, make sure you were comfortable on his couch, make some tea and just wait for you.
He was too good of a man, so patient, loving, and willing to give you his shoulder whenever you were feeling down. You were blessed to call him yours and he the same with you. His hugs were always warm and welcoming, his kind and gentle words swayed you to be more uplifting, and his kisses...you treasured each one.
The phone calls you both had after that was the ones you cherished. After your rant, Alucard was always willing to tell you all the positive things about you. You knew you loved your mother, and you knew she loved you but, you hated the words she would spew at you.
You could even say that Alucard was your safe haven whenever you had a bad day he was either a ten minute drive away or a phone call away. Whatever the case, he was there for you. And you wished for nothing more than just that.
*******************************************************
Again, anon, I hope this piece helps you a bit better, I wish you a great rest of the year along with happiness, peace and love. Each day gets better, and each day is a chance for a new adventure whether it be small or large, its a change worth seeing.
Thank you.
~Blackreaderstation
#fanfiction#inbox requests#adrian tepes x reader#adrian tepes#alucard castlevania#alucard tepes x reader#netflix castlevania#reader x castlevania#castlevania!alucard x reader
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A few months ago, I saw a post that still breaks my heart to this day. It was a post that said that a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is emotionally immature because maybe he was abused or not taken care of by his mother. It said that because of this, the man wanted the wife to be more like a mother to him, and it made him attention seeking, and have other extreme behaviors. The post talked about how the writer basically thought this man was a scumbag, and that the writer needs to set boundaries because she thought the man’s behavior is wrong.
Then, a few days ago, I saw another post. It was about how another man’s daughter died, and he relapsed on his kratom addiction because he just couldn’t cope. He didn’t tell his wife, but one day, his wife asked him, quietly and somberly, “Have you been taking kratom again?” The man said yes, and his wife held him and told him that everything’s gonna be ok and that they’ll get through this together.
I nearly cry every time I even think about that post. Because I am so desperate to be loved like that. Even though I don’t see my kratom use as a weakness, I’ve had many weak, shameful moments where I didn’t do the right thing. I want to be held for those moments.
It just feels like my mind goes to the extremes with my starved heart wanting what it never had. So extreme that it makes me feel like I would want to have a child and for it to die, just so I can experience what it’s like for someone to love me. I have never had the experience of being loved by anyone before.
Sadly, I feel like I’m the female version of this narcissistic man. Even though I’ve never been diagnosed with NPD, the way this man was described felt like the post was actually describing me.
Because I was horrendously abused by my parents. Even my basic needs were like asking for a million dollars. And I still live with them, stuck in survival mode, just trying to make it through each day. I am not loved by my family, or by anyone. I am treated like my life has absolutely no value, like a mouse caught in a trap. And I can’t talk about this with anyone, because I don’t know anyone would actually care. It’s not like I haven’t tried to reach out. It’s that when I do, people try to discredit me.
I don’t think I want kids of my own, ever. Because imagine if I ever get lucky enough to meet a husband that loves me. If we have kids, he will love the kids more than me (which is what’s supposed to happen). All the attention that I never got from my family will go towards our children. This would absolutely break me for the millionth time. And I wouldn’t be able to handle that. I want my trauma to have an end date. I just want this to be over, and if I have kids that will never happen.
What I would want from my husband is to give me the love parents give to their children. The love that my parents never gave me.
My parents never faced any form of consequence for what they did to me. And I never got any sympathy, because those who knew what happened said that I was “playing the victim” and that the abuse was caused by my behavior which I need to own up to. My parents were the ones who got all the sympathy, people told them “My heart breaks for you that your daughter is like this.” And my parents are seen as amazing, loving people by everyone we know. They have happy, full lives, and are very loved.
So what I also would need from a husband is to love me as much as I love my parents. Because even though I was horrendously abused and hurt in ways that leave me forever broken, I still love my mother and father. And if I were to do to my future husband what was done to me, I would need his love for me to not change. I can’t heal if I continue to be treated as less of a person than my parents. And since my parents did what they did to me and faced no consequences, there is nothing in this world I could ever do that would make me feel like I deserve a consequence. I don’t think I can ever heal in a world where I could get in trouble if I did something bad, because nobody ever got in trouble for harming me.
So yeah, maybe I am emotionally immature. And maybe I am a narcissist. But treating me like a scumbag for that would be punishing me for being punished. Because everything I’ve survived in only 21 years is punishment enough.
#actually neurodiverse#actually autistic#autistic experiences#being autistic#autistic women#trauma#traumatic experience#trauma therapy#traumatic events#literally traumatizing#love#npd stigma#npd
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