#he had trust issues put the fucking door and Didnt Like People and he *still* put her cards out there during bftc to ask tim to work
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☆Gavin/Freelancer☆
Adiuva me.
tw: depictions of bpd/ptsd (you can chose but this is kinda personal so it's both), alcohol use abuse/mention, unhealthy coping mechanisms, mentions of hospitalizations and past traumatic experiences in a/n and fanfic, specific depictions of mood swings, self harm, bodily injury, depictions of needles/ivs, recovery, physical hurt/comfort, does result in happy ending tho
a/n : slay uhh, I've had alot of things happened to me as of late (in author fashion), so I've been writing this to give myself a situation I could imagine for comfort. I had respiratory failure which led to alot of mental issues and was put into the Pediatric ICU which was... traumatic. I was sedated half the time and was also under heavy tranquilizers to avoid the doctors having to deal with my mood, which is not something I like hearing because I already deal with feeling like a burden. My parents left me alone half the time which ultimately led to me hallucinating and other stuff. I was alone figuratively and literally. I'm pretty open about this because I want to be what i didnt have. I want to be able to show people that they aren't alone. This world has almost 8 billion people and you are never alone. <3
It's too quiet.
At least to Gavin.
Ever since the Inversion, Gavin had not trusted Freelancer to be by themselves for long periods of times. He knew of their self destructive tendencies that would appear in the silence.
Whenever Gavin had to leave nowadays, he would inform the friend group. Most days, Lasko would bring his entire office into Freelancer's apartment in order to distract them with random knick knacks and piles of unnecessary paperwork that was easy to fill out. Other days, Damien and Huxley would make sure they were still alive. Damien would find himself in charge of medications, food, and overall the physical well-being of Freelancer, while Huxley focused more on how he could distract their emotional well-being. He would bring all the games he owned and would talk for hours about nothing specific.
Gavin appreciated the boys and their attempts at cheering up his Deviant, but in the end, he grew used to the fact that Freelancer's knots were there to stay.
No matter how much happiness, pride, and good feelings would arrive, Freelancer would always have to carry that heavy bag of trauma, sadness, and guilt. No matter how much Gavin fixed up the apartment, or how much he could fixup pretty words to form beautiful speeches, Freelancer would always hear the whispers of the past.
He would feel the knots that appeared at their core, pulling tightly at their heart. He would feel the fleeting whispering of lies from the past, both working together to plot the Freelancer's downfall.
It works, he'll give them that, but he's determined to give them the same light they have him during his times of need.
Which was why when he arrived home to nothing but silence, he attempted to work quickly.
"Freelancer? Are you here?", he asked into the air. He reached out with his aura and began to search. He recited the same traits he loved waking up too.
Determined.
Strong.
Beautiful.
Delicate-
Crying. Freelancer's crying.
He could tell it was them from a mile away. He let his magic surge and guide him to his lover. It wasn't until he drifted on top of bloody broken bottles and empty intact bottles that he realized that he should've stopped outside the bathroom door.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OR I'M FUCKING LEAVING-"
"GET OUT!"
Screaming filled the apartment again and again as Gavin attempted to diffuse the situation. He didn't want to call the department. The last thing Freelancer need was less control of their own life.
He rifted out of the small bathroom and dialled all 3 elementals at once. One by one, he merged them into a big call.
"Freelancer's place. Right now. Bring first aid."
He quickly hung up after that and rifted back into the bathroom, quickly dodging to avoid an empty bottle as it violently crashed against the wall. He looked at the wall and then back at Freelancer as he felt their magic wrap itself around another bottle, ready to throw. He very swiftly made the bottle dissolve to sand in their hands, yet it didn't stop them.
Freelancer continuously wrapped their magic around any object they could find as every part one of them was rifted into the cabnit by Gavin an an attempt to save most of their belongings. In the end, they just screamed in frustration.
Gavin felt so guilty. He should've been more careful with them. He should've seen this sooner. He should've hidden the bottles. He-
"Gavin! What happened?! It's almost 10pm if this a joke I swear to-"
The incubus rifted to the front door and hurriedly opened it and pushed the three elementals inside. Lasko held all sorts of bottles that were labeled as antiseptics for first aid, Damien held a box of what he assumed carried gauze and other bandages, and Huxley carried bottles of water and dehydration serums.
After Gavin was sure that they were all inside he pulled them towards the living room than left to go check on Freelancer.
They were a mess. There they laid, among broken glass and the cold tile, shivering. Tears stained their cheeks as they stared hard into the empty wall. Gavin slowly approached them, his head outstretched in front of them, and sat down carefully next to them.
"Honey... are you okay?", he asked quietly. He knew Freelancer would be overstimulated which made him lower his voice in an attempt not to add on to their stress. They responded to a quiet huff and ultimately brought their eyes up to look at him.
In that moment, his Freelancer couldn't have looked more vulnerable. Their eyes rimmed with tears, every knot in their core blurring over the other, their swollen eyes. Everything about them at that moment screamed at him, begged him, to help. In a sudden moment, they broke. Just like the glass they laid upon, their cover broke. They began silently sobbing as they attempted to look away from him, obviously trying to hide themselves in shame. Gavin did not like one minute of it.
"Hey, hey no, its ok. You're safe. You're okay, just let it out," he whispered quietly. With a nod of permission from the Freelancer, he slowly brought them closer to his chest. Gavin didn't care that the glass that was dug into their side was also digging into his. He didn't care about any of it. All he could do was hold them close and whisper comfort.
Eventually you have to move.
In the span of only 5 minutes, Freelancer had passed out from what he could only tell was exhaustion. He stared at their broken form.
Shards in shoulder. Arm. Their wrist is bad. Are those their ribs? Oh gods. Okay no white. Just lots of-
Gavin shook his head. He couldn't let himself spiral here in the bathroom. He needed to take them out of here so the boys could help heal their external injuries.
Freelancer weighed nothing to him. As a demon, he would pick up a building and not be fazed. So it was no surprise to any of the three elementals when he effortlessly entered the living area holding them bridal style and settled them on the couch.
Lasko's eyes widened, "O-oh god, t-t-that's-"
Damien on the other hand, quickly got to work. He rummaged through his box and was quickly able to find a needle needed for an IV. He opened an orange tourniquet and quickly, but carefully, wrapped it around their arm in order to find a good vein to use. After a minute of searching, he got one. "Huxley give me one the IV bags."
"On it."
Gavin watched as Damien hurried tried to hook up the serum to Freelancer. He and Lasko had been taking turns healing some of the deeper cuts to the best of their abilities. Now all they could do was wait.
After the IV was stabilized and some of Freelancer's more complicated wounds were taken care of and properly bandaged, the group final was able to sit on the floor in relief. Damien leaned against Huxley as the latter leaned his head onto the table, whereas Gavin and Lasko were each leaning into their hands.
"What in hell happened-"
"Dames-"
A soft breath came from Freelancer which made the group stopped and cautiously looked over at them. After that, neither of them wanted to speak. At some point, Gavin didn't know how much time had gone by and softly said, "I came home to them screaming surrounded by bottles. I don't know what happened."
Damien, Huxley, and Lasko all stared at him as they listened. They didn't know what to say. They all knew Freelancer could get this bad, but every single experience caught them by surprise. This wasn't something you could prepare for. It was like an unexpected war call. The floods gates would open and you'd have to hang on to the nearest thing, all while hoping it's stable.
Gavin looked over to his Deviant. They looked so peaceful sleeping there on their couch. If he could ignore the context of his they got there, it would've been cute. But it wasn't.
Damien spoke up, "It's fine Gavin. It's not your fault for not knowing. What matters now is that they're safe and well." He probably heard Gavins mind screaming at itself, it's words twisting with guilt. Damien could always tell.
"Yeah dude. Sometimes we don't know what's gonna happen, but that's okay! We had solutions and we all worked together to help", Huxley said tiredly. It was late. Almost midnight.
Lasko quietly rambled, "Y-yeah, it's not your fault Gavin. D-d-d-don't beat yourself up ab-bout it."
Gavin softly huffed, "You're all right. It doesn't help to sulk in guilt. What matters now is how we can help moving foward."
After long discussions, they found solutions. Someone will be with Freelancer for a handful of days. That way, someone will always be available in case or an emergency.
Although Freelancer was unconscious, Gavin hoped they could feel this. The soft feeling of sincerity. He hoped they could feel the love each one them had for the amazingly, loving Freelancer they had all met.
He hoped that the stars would write them happy lifes, and happy endings. In the end, he hoped the River's current wouldn't dare take his Freelancer away.
a/n : lol i made myself fucking cry. umm, I'm not really this emotional when doing angst. usually its really easy and quick but I wanted this to be genuine. I know that frustration of seeing a fanfic or book and the problem being resolved with a simple kiss or some cheesy shit. I know all of that. The anger, the disappointment. I hope I was able to depict a situation that not only I but others can relate to and find comfort in.
If you suffer with anything, be it big or small, reach out to someone. It doesn't matter whether people say it matters or not. You have a voice and you deserve to be heard. My dms are always open for anyone.
Hope you enjoy. <333
#redacted asmr#redacted audio#redactedverse#redacted freelancer#redacted gavin#redacted damn#divine fanfics !
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4 times Leonardo was a dork and the time he wasn’t
Heya! I adore the "strong stoic character does something embarrassing or dumb" trope, and Leo has been left behing from that one. Also, my fervent Leo Simp Friend said these were all good ideas and I trust his judgment completely, so it's also for him. Enjoy, you Dork-ass Looser (affectionate) @weird-flex-but-ok
I have one of these "4 times ______ and 1 time ______" stories for each of them, I just got really inspired by him all of a sudden. But they're coming!
There might be a few typos here and there, but I really don't wanna wait any longer to post it :3
Requested: No
Pairing: None, platonic
Word count: 2500 +
Triggers: cursing, injuries, blood, intrusion
Summary: You were always sort of intimidated by the leader in blue, but a series of events shows you he might not be as serious as he wants you to think.
__________________________________________
First time
It took you a while to get along with all of them.
Not because you didn't trust them, or because they made it difficult, and certainly not because they're mutants. You're just not that good with new people, and you tend to shy away. Especially when you have New York's heroes in front of you.
So yeah. It took a while. But soon enough, you warmed up to your new friends, and you had a great time. Mikey was the first who made you feel welcomed, always asking questions about you and insisting you came to the lair in the first place. Donnie followed soon, after you started asking about what he was working on. It took a bit more work to get closer to Raph, but it turns out sarcasm was the way to go.
If only their leader was as approachable.
He never made you feel unsafe or unwelcomed, don’t get me wrong, he just kept a professional distance with you, which started to become quite painful as time went on. You tried not to take it personally, thinking he maybe was as shy as you were.
You had time anyway.
It was early in the evening when you made your way to the lair. For the first time since you met the turtles, you went there alone. You were a little nervous, thinking you might get lost in the maze of tunnels under the city, but figured you could just call someone if anything happened. Lucky for you, you found your way to your friend’s place, but not without hustle.
As you entered, you realized it was uncharacteristically quiet. The only sounds you could here were the faint music and the not so faint curses from Donatello’s lab. The smart decision seemed to be leave him alone, which is exactly what you did.
You haven’t been here long enough to know where to find the others, and as you didn’t exactly felt like staying alone in the living space, you tried finding your way to the dojo, as it was one of the other places you knew well.
Of course, now you got lost. Venturing into the sewers was fine, but walking into your friend's home wasn't, apparently.
You found something else, however. This particular tunnel led to a room you could identify as someone's room. You could see the large bed in the middle of the room, a small table with a bottle of water, a book, and a makeshift alarm. A set of twin swords were hanging on the right wall, just above a small bookshelf.
On your left was another table with a (healthy, you noted) bonsai tree, and next to that was Leonardo, facing a mirror. He had his right arm lifted up to his head, and was looking right to you through the mirror.
He looked absolutely horrified.
What the fuck.
He slowly rubbed his face in his hands, let out a long sigh, and turned to you, more tense than you've ever seen him. He cleared his throat as you pince your lips in a thin line to hold back a smile.
"Hello, Y/N. I... didnt think you'd come in so early."
Despite the badly lit room, you can see him bite the inside of his cheek.
"Yeah, uh, I didnt mean to... interrupt you," you say. Your voice is slightly shaking as it takes all of your willpower not to burst out laughing. And he definitely notices.
"You didn't! I uh, wasn't doing anything anyway. So, tell me- what brings you to the lair?" He asks, avoiding your eyes.
"Oh, Mikey invited me, he said I wasnt allowed to skip on movie night. You know how strong willed he is," you smirks, unable to handle it much longer.
Stiff as a board, you see the corner of his mouth twitching and hear him whisper, "... I wasn't flexing."
Silence.
You snort laugh hard enough to choke on it as you quickly turn around to hold yourself against the wall, the insanity of the situation crashing on you. Leo sat at the foot of his bed, head in his hands, and you could see him shake in repressed laughter once you wiped your tears away.
You sit next to him after finally calming down from the hysteria. He sighs, straightens his back and gives you a side glance.
"I'm not judging."
"You're still laughing, though."
"Yeah, but like, I guess I just wasn't expecting that. Still not judging."
He nods, still smiling. His voice is at least 3 octaves higher when he asks, "Please, don't tell the others."
"And what, give them the privilege of knowing about your little... ritual? Nah, don't worry about it."
_______________________
Second time
The second time your assumptions about the leader were subverted happended only two weeks after the... incident.
You had invited the whole crew to your place for the very first time, and they were all excited to come. You made a copious dinner: a few veggie cakes, chicken wings and a bowl of roasted potatoes. They were supposed to bring the drinks and movies, and April and Casey were in charge of the desert.
A perfect night, it seemed.
And it would have been if they could decide what to watch first without jumping at each other's throats.
"You guys need to grow up."
"Leave me out of thi-"
"Donnie's suggesting Velocipastor of all things and you think we need to grow up? Come on, Y/N, I thought you were better than that."
"Okay, first of all, how dare you. And second, this movie's a masterpie-"
"Yeah, because everyone knows that his supremior intellect means he's the only one who gets to choose a dumb movie. Why won't you guys watch Sharknado?"
"Supremior isn't a word. And it's because unlike you, peasants, I have taste." A devilish smile creeps up Donnie's face. The bastard is doing it on purpose.
"Peasants?!"
"You ugly-ass son of a-"
"Hey! Leave Dad out of this!"
"We could watch Shrek instead?"
You decided to go get some glasses in the kitchen, leaving the children to their stupid fight. Searching through your cupboard, you hear a crashing sound, quickly followed by utter and complete silence.
Oh no.
In insight, leaving them alone was maybe not the best idea. You were reconsidering bringing glasses into the mess as you made your way to the origin of the sound. And what a mess it was.
Your friends were all expressing shock in some way, Casey (surprisingly) being the most dramatic of them all with his hands right in front of his face and his jaw hanging open. They were all looking back and forth between you and another direction near the table.
The really cool bowl that held the delicious potatoes you made was broken on the floor. There was glass and potatoes everywhere, but the biggest shards were in a neat pile, right behind Leonardo, who looked like a deer in headlights.
"... nothing happended."
"I'm... starting to think it's a habit of yours," you say as you watch him not so discretely try to hide the broken pieces behind his foot.
"Look, if you keep putting your foot in there you're gonna hurt yourself. Just, step away a bit, will you?"
"I'm sorry I broke it. Let me help you clean up, I don't want you to cut yourself."
"It's okay! Don't touch it, I'll get a bag," you say as he starts to gather the biggest shards.
Won't even listen for one second, will he?
Raph was already picking up the untouched potatoes to put them in the plates on the table, and April went to the kitchen with you to retrieve the bag and cleaning supplies.
"Ew, Mikey don't eat that."
"Thirty seconds rule, baby."
"It's five seconds, you moron. And it's way over thirty anyway. Spit it out."
The rest of the night went on without further issues, but Leo still looked apologetic during the movie. Which is probably why he was standing before you as his brothers were leaving.
"Thank you for the evening. And I'm... sorry again for the bowl."
"Hey it's okay, man. Don't worry about it. As long as no one gets hurt it's not that big of a deal."
"I'll get you a new one." He doesn't wait for your answer and ruffles your hair before taking off.
"Text me when you guys get home!" You scream into the night, hoping one of them heard you.
______________________
Third time
It's surprisingly easy to mess with Fearless.
You were in the living room, getting your ass beat on Mario Kart by Mikey, when you decided to take a break for your stomach (and ego)’s sake. You made your way to the kitchen, where Leo and Raph were in a heated discussion. Raph looked
“I’m telling you, 4 inches is too small. What do you get from 4 inches ? Nothing. But 10 inches ? It really makes you feel something.”
…
What?
You looked down on the table and saw multiple ingredients lined up on the table, with a long piece of bread on the side.
Oh, sandwiches. Got it.
Leo’s back was facing you, but Raph gave you a knowing glance, one that said ‘do it’. So, you did. Not without a smirk, first.
“Oh, wow, Leo ! I didn’t think you’d be so open about that kind of conversations.” You open the fridge, hoping you can hide your smile behind the door.
“What ? What do you m-” His face falls. Raph starts chuckling next to you and it looks like Leo’s brain is rebooting.
“I mean, I’m not judging. You do you, buddy, I’m happy for you. Just surprised you choose lunch time to talk about it.” And in other circumstances, you’d mean every word. But right now, messing with your friend is too good to pass on.
“No, hold on- I didnt mean- It’s not what you think ! I’m talking about sandwiches !” He tries to show you the ingredients currently on the table, but Raph decides it’s time to join the fun.
“Lying isn’t vey Bushido of you, Honor Boy,” he winks at you and you can’t repress a giggle.
He puts his face in his hands, knowing very well that the both of you ganged up on him but unable to save face. He just smiles, goes back on his chair and hides his head in his arms, hoping you won’t see how embarassed you made him.
“Hey, you like what you like. Have fun with your sandwiches.” You give him an innocent smile, pat him twice on the shoulder, and join Mikey back on the couch with a plate of grapes.
You could hear Raph’s light chuckle from the kitchen.
______________________
Fourth time
Mornings are hard.
And they’re even worse when you spent the whole night sewing an arm back together after a sword gave it a nasty cut. And getting glass shards off of your friend’s shell. And putting a bone back in it’s rightful place after a particularly bad fall.
Yeah. Long night. And a tense one, too.
Because with the physical pain came the chock and residual fears, the anger and blaming. Everyone was stil on guard, and all that tension was exhausting. You barely slept, too worried that one of your friend’s state would degrade if you didn’t keep an eye on them at all times. Which didn’t really help you get the rest you needed.
If you were hoping the morning would be kinder on all of you, you quickly realized that it was a mistake. While, luckily for the turles, the mutagen was already healing their physical wounds, the emotional exhaustion of the previous night was still heavy. Of all of your conscious friends, not one dared break the eerie silence.
It was weird, seeing them like this. But you couldn’t force yourself to say anything, strangely scared of what could happen. You resumed to making breakfast for everyone and bringing clean towels to the still sleeping feverish turtle in the medbay. Splinter and Mikey were at the kitchen table, quietly accepting your offering, when Leo came into the room from the medbay.
He was still half asleep, and in his drowsiness didn’t see the wall he accidentally ran into.
“Oh, sorry. Didn’t see you there.”
Everyone turned to Leo, who it took a solid minute of staring blindly at the wall to realize what just happened.
Donnie was the first to laugh. It didn’t take long for april and Mikey to join, soon followed by Splinter affectionately patting his son’s arm. Leo smiled and shook his head, as their lighthearted laugh was contagious.
The leader in blue was more of a goofball than what you first expected, and you were grateful for it in the fading tensions of the morning.
______________________
One time he wasn't
When someone intrudes your home, especially at 4 am when you were sleeping in the next room, a lot of things go through your head.
Did they take anything?
Yes. Your bag with your wallet, some cash, your credit card, your ID, and a few fidelity cards from various stores. Your laptop. A set of keys. That one blanket Raph made you (probably to carry everything without making too much noise).
Why you?
Why not? Your apartment isn't isolated, but it's not exactly on a main street either. It was probably practical for them.
Were they armed?
Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. Probably. Statistically, most likely.
What could have happened if you had tried to confront them?
A lot of things. Maybe, if you let them know you were awake and knew what was going on, without necessarily confronting them, it would have been enough to make them run away. Or maybe there were multiple armed people, and they wouldn't hesitate to use force if necessary.
Who knows.
Can the police find this person?
Statistically? No. At least, that's what Casey told you when you asked him. Unless they got really lucky, they won't find anything.
Or at least the stuff they stole?
Again, unlikely. Unless they can trace your laptop back to the guy, or someone can give a physical description and a direction, there's not a lot they can do.
What can you do now?
Call your bank. And your insurance. And your landlord. Let them know what happened and follow their directive, they'll guide you through their procedure and help you soften the blow.
Casey was the first person you called when you woke up this night, and he was at your place within minutes with two other colleagues (the closest he could find). He spent the rest of the night reassuring you, helping you with the phone calls, asking around for witnesses, but nothing.
It's weird, feeling unsafe for the first time in a place you had called Home for years. It's disturbing. You can feel the nausea your anxiety is giving you, and a headache starts to grow at the back of your skull.
You don't really like this feeling.
So when your turtle friends dropped by the next evening without telling you and you welcomed them with a swing of your favorite pan, let's just say reactions were split.
"I can hack into your computer to find its location if you want. Wouldn't be the first time."
"What?"
"What? I mean, I didn't do it for your location last time. I know all about your search history, though."
"We're gonna have a talk about boundaries and privacy once we're done dealing with that," you sigh. You crash down on the couch next to your friend and mindlessly watch him work.
Leo comes up to you and gently nudges your shoulder. "Hey, do you have a toolbox somewhere? We brought locks to put on your door and windows. You know, just in case."
You nod, quiet, and lead him to your room where you keep most of the most useful stuff you own, including but not limited to a toolbox and a first aid kit.
Your movements were almost mechanical as you retrieved the box and handed it to him, and you decided to help him put up the locks to keep your mind occupied.
He was concerned. You looked like you were still in choc, which he could completely understand. Getting robbed is awful in itself, but getting robbed while you're sleeping in the next room? Horrific, in his mind.
He was also furious. He couldn't be there for you. This person had the nerves to go after his friend, and what if you got hurt? He wouldn't have been able to do anything about it.
He noticed he was staring when your eyes met his.
"Hey. We're gonna do whatever we can to find them. We're also gonna focus our patrols in your neighborhood for at least a few weeks, until you feel better," he puts a hand on your shoulder. "It's gonna be okay Y/N. Trust me."
You look up to him, and when you look into his eyes, you know he means it. You let your head fall against his plastron as he holds you against him, a silent promise for safety.
"Hey shorty," Raph pulls his head into the crack of the door to address you. "Wanna learn how to fight? I can turn you into a death machine."
You heard the faint "Raph, what the fuck" coming from Mikey who was still in the living room.
You gave a small laugh as you got up, Leo following you closely to the living room.
"Hey! Fighting isn't for everyone. But I could make you a really cool taser, if you want."
"What's with you and tasers?"
"They're efficient."
The bell ringed and April came in holding 4 boxes of pizza, that Mikey assisted her with as soon as she set a foot inside.
You looked around at your friends as April brandished the pizzas like a trophy while Raph and Donnie went back and forth trying to decide who, between man power and electricity, would win in a fight.
And you realized that yes, Leo was right.
It's gonna be okay.
#bayverse tmnt#tmnt#tmnt x reader#tw: injuries#tw: blood#tw: break in#tmnt leonardo#tmnt donatello#tmnt 2k16#tmnt michelangelo#tmnt raphael#tmnt casey#tmnt april#tmnt splinter#OOOOOOOF#took me a while#hope you like it!
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Stand Still.
Geto Suguru x F!Reader Angst!
Synopsis: Geto allows his insecurities to take over his mind resulting in him hurting your feelings when you show a little too much interest in Gojo.
Please read the notes at the bottom uwu ❣️
Warnings: ANGST! Swearing???? DIDNT PROOF READ LOL
PT. 2
❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌
You stood in the living room you shared with your boyfriend, the usual loving and welcoming atmosphere was no longer there. The reds and oranges you felt when you spent time with him was now replaced with emotions that felt like muggy shades of blues and grays. *
Everything felt like it was slowed down, like you had just witnessed everything in slow motion.
You looked into Geto’s eyes filled to the brim with bewilderment. Chest heaving as the remainder of adrenaline rushed through him. You couldn’t tear your gaze away from him, You've never seen him this worked up. You have never seen him this...mean.
Every last word he spat out was Accusatory. Harsh. Unfiltered. All the words came from a place of insecurity, an insecurity even he didn’t know he had.
It took you a minute to process everything that was said, well rather spat, to you. It was like your mind couldn’t fathom the fact that your sweet boyfriend stood before you in the aftermath of an emotional bomb he just dropped.
You knew this would happen at some point. You knew that relationships came with obstacles that you would have to face together. You knew that, but you were so hopeful that you would be able to talk things through like adults.
You two were always so adamant about communicating, and speaking up when something is bothering you, promising each other to put pride to the side and speak up and compromise on whatever the issue may be.
All it takes is one to fuck it up.
You finally processed what he said to you, the weight of his words crushed you into a million pieces. The heat reached your face and the stinging in your eyes was what made you finally look away.
You plopped down on the couch giving yourself a moment before you looked back up at him.
“I...” You approached with caution as you spoke, afraid he would cut you off as he has been since the argument started. Spewing Words as sharp as a knife not allowing you to get a word in edgewise and raising his voice over your calm one in order to try to get his point across, and oh did he get it across.
“You……..it’s…….Uh….” You lifted a finger up. Silently asking Geto to give you a moment to gather your words. Quickly you looked away ,your tears beginning to flow, not seeming to stop anytime soon. But still, you couldn’t talk, the lump in your throat stopping you, words only coming out in hiccups.
You cursed yourself for not being able to hold them in long enough to explain how you felt about the situation. About his accusations. Cursed yourself for not being able to speak freely, or be upset without looking like a crybaby.
Getos anger diminished the instant he saw the tears roll down your face. His knitted brows relaxed and his eyes softened at the sight of you, shaking as you tried to speak your mind. Unaware of the weight his words had.
He has seen you worked up and upset like this countless times, but never because of him. To say the guilt hit differently was an understatement.
You took a deep and shaky breath and held it for a few seconds. You were quite surprised at the fact that Geto didn’t move or say anything to interrupt you the entire time.
How long have you two been here?
“I tried so hard to avoid this, Suguru..... I looked past my insecurities….pushed the doubts to the side and all of that so you could receive my love without obstacles….without me projecting my fears onto you and the relationship.” You somehow managed to speak shakily of course, voice cracking almost the entire time.
He internally cringed at the formality, the lack of pet names made his heart wrench in pain, reminding him how bad he really messed up.
“And to know that you feel this way about me...and to know that my efforts are evidently not reciprocated...hurts like a mother fucker..”
You covered your mouth, eyes on the wall beside you, still unable to look at him.
“But honestly Geto… what hurts the most is that I already know you could do better…” you rolled your eyes upwards, dropping more tears and shook your head, your own insecurities laying themselves out on the table.
Geto’s eyes widened then immediately his expression turned to a pained one, remembering the words he spat in the heat of the moment. **
‘If I would’ve known that you would turn into Satoru’s little cheerleader, ready to kiss his ass whenever he came around, then I wouldn’t have asked you to be my girlfriend!! I could’ve and should’ve done wayyy better I swear!’
For someone who was talking so much shit five minutes ago, he found himself at a loss for words.
There was a lump in his throat , and when did his mouth turn dry?
Was it when he recalled the things he said after that? Mentions of how many opportunities he had in the duration of your relationship in order to hit you where it hurt most?
Or was it when he mentioned that ‘Gojo wouldn’t date you anyway’ in attempts to mask the underlying jealousy he had at the very thought of you falling for the man who could quite literally do anything.
Who could have everything.
Who had the world crafted specifically for him.
“and I always wondered…” he snapped out of his thoughts and his brows furrowed once again, creating a displeased look. He was disgusted with himself, disgusted that he selfishly ran his mouth without considering your feelings.
“Like….what I could have possibly done to have been chosen by you? Geto Suguru….chose me? Of all people.” You wiped tears away from your face, you looked so small doing so, Geto wished he was the one wiping those tears, but he couldn’t move. His feet betraying his commands. Knees weak knowing he did this to you.
“And for you to even think that I would betray you and break your trust.” It was your turn to speak now, holding in so much up until this point, however you did not raise your voice, nor did you cause a scene. You loved him way too much for that.
“Geto Suguru, a man the gods have blessed not just with looks but with a heart of gold..dating me? And you think I would throw all of that away to be with your best friend?” You choked on a couple of sobs, continuously wiping your tears away, seriously wondering if you have ever cried this hard in your life.
The fact that you still somehow managed to praise him while scolding him made his blood run cold. Guilt through the roof, enough to make his fingers cold and shake slightly by his sides. A stark contrast compared to his words.
‘What have I done?’
It was no surprise to him that you were still somehow being kind despite your anger. You were kind, not nice. ***
The love was there and he knew it, he felt it. Because if it were anybody else the results would’ve been different.
“I’m...sorry if I make you feel that way...but please know it was not in my intentions to hurt you ..” You finally looked at him while apologizing, you made sure he knew you were being as genuine as possible.
You pushed yourself up from the couch and made your way to the bedroom. Geto’s eyes followed you, but still he couldn’t not move.
‘Move you fucking idiot!’
A Switch in his brain went off as soon as you were out of his sight. He sped walked in your direction, but he was a little too late. You locked the door behind you just before he was able to put himself in between the door.
“Y/n! Please let me in! I’m sorry!” The knob shook as he tried the door. He knew it would be locked but he’d be damned to let you go through this alone. He already did enough damage, he was determined to at least try and fix this.
The knob shook harder and soon the whole door shook. He slammed his hands against the wood and called out your name desperately begging you to let him in.
You ignored the cries to the best of your abilities, stepping away from the door. The sounds of his voice begging for you made you want to throw up, it hurt so much.
“Y/n please...I just want to talk..” his voice cracked and you began to sob quietly just at the mere sound. You wanted to open the door, you really really did, but at the same time you didn’t want to see him.
He was adamant though. He could hear you try to muffle the sobs on the other side and that’s what put him into overdrive.
“Move away from the door!” He commanded, kicking it down easily, startling you in the process. Thankfully he gave you time to step away before doing so, and his heart broke again at the sight of you.
Your eyes were dull but still streaming tears, but the duffle bag slung over your shoulder full of your items made him feel so powerless.
“Hey hey hey……what are you doing..” his eyes desperately scanned your figure, moving from the bag to your eyes then to the room, noticing drawers were left open and things tossed around the bed.
“...W-Where are you going…?” His voice was small but he stood his ground in the doorway, blocking the exit unintentionally but intentionally.
You didn’t look at him, but more so past him. Your eyes were on him but they weren’t on him.
“I’m going home for a little bit, until I’m-“
“What do you mean? Home..is here..”he cut you off. Again his voice was small, not matching with his towering form that slowly began to deflate when he noticed how the love in your eyes was nowhere to be found.
You sighed and placed a hand on your temple. He cut you off again, and you didn’t want to do this anymore. You didn’t want to fight him anymore.
“Suguru. You know what I mean. I’m going to my paren-“
“No!” He yelled, causing you to flinch. “You’re not leaving me!” Geto snatched the bag from your grasp and unzipped the bag, he made his way into the room and dumped the contents into an already opened drawer, a majority of the clothes and items dropping to the floor but he didn’t care. He wasn’t going to lose you.
His breathing was heavy again, and tears threatened to drop. Oh how you wished you hadn’t seen the way his eyes looked at you.
“Suguru...please…” you cautiously approached the bag he flung on the bed, and repacked the bag slowly, afraid of him snapping again.
“Can we Please just talk about this?” He forcefully grabbed you by the forearms, pulling you away from the duffle bag and pushed you up against a wall, not in a harsh way, but in a way that felt desperate.
“Please let me explain myself, I didn’t mean anything I said I-“ he tried spilling out what he had to say before you tried pushing him away, but now it was his turn to be interrupted.
“I know, Suguru…I know..but before we talk about this...I really need to clear my head..Otherwise I won’t be able to do things in a rational way...and you know I can’t do that if I have you around to influence my thoughts.”
Your eyes searched for his and you regretted it, you were feeling so many things but your eyes held no emotion. However, seeing the way he looked down at you, hair messy and in his face from going awol earlier, his face flushed from the raw display of emotion brought life back into your eyes.
Tears dropped on your cheeks when you looked up at him. That was enough to get the waterworks going again.
He never realized how afraid he was of losing you until now. It never occurred to him that this would even be something to happen in your relationship until this very moment.
He realized how much he fucked up, allowing his emotions to have snowballed into this big ass mess. You were always so open to talk about things, but he never took the opportunity because of his pride, and now the consequences of his actions are coming to bite him in the ass.
“I gotta go..” you whispered and easily got out of his grasp, he didn’t fight back, he knew he couldn’t change your mind once you had your mind set on doing something. Another reason he fell in love with you , another wave of regret.
He watched your form as you left, eyes never leaving your body.
You didn't look back and that was a sight that would haunt him in his dreams forever.
—————
**** notes:
* - in the paragraph where it talks about feeling colors
When I think of memories and how I felt, I associate them with colors, reds oranges, pinks, yellows green = warm/ happier memories
Shades of blue = cold, more depressive moments
So when it talks about y/n feeling the blue, gray atmosphere, it’s because the tension was so thick, the usual ‘red’ atmosphere was now ‘blue’ at the flip of a switch.
Lol super self indulgent
**- this fic is so self indulgent, I do this. Well used to, but when I used to get mad and things would get heated I won’t remember what I said or what I did because I was so upset.
***- to me, Being nice is superficial and being Kind comes from within.
——-
Hello! Welcome to my new blog!
I was GOJOSGLASSES
But something happened to my account and I think I’m being shadowed and I’m sooo sad cause I had a whole theme and master list (a short one but still) now I have to start over )^:
Anywho! Welcome! Requests are open and hopefully I’ll get around to moving the fics here or maybe just linking old ones but I think I may transfer them over here )^: big sad!
—————
Hello babies! Thank you for taking the time to read this!
This fic is super super self indulgent
I love Angst so much. I don’t know why LOL
Of course this is an Angst to fluff type stuff and I’ll get to part 2. When I feel like it
(Or if it’s highly requested) but I just felt like being extra dramatic.
Also LOLOLOL I love angst but please don’t leave your partner in the dark like this, communicate please. I’m just being extra dramatic because I love hurting myself with fics.
BAHAHA Also this Drabble thing was inspired by the song:
Stand Still - Sabrina Claudio
Very angsty and I feel like I’ll make more drabbles and stuff based off this song because I love love love it so much omg very sensual very sexy!
Thanks for reading!
#drabbles#fanfic#jjk headcanons#jjk x reader#jjk geto#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen x you#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk x y/n#geto suguru#geto x reader#suguru x reader#saturo gojo
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'The Dance of the Celestial Orb' liveblog!
for real this time lmfao
book and show spoilers below
I'm ✨nervous✨ please let our children be okay
0:10 this Sticky arc hurts me so kuch
1:35 this music is BUMPIN
2:22 I just wanna know how she got under there without the dude seeing her
2:47 "all systems go" for the Improvement.... yikes 😬😬😬
2:55 she didn't wait even 5 seconds after they left, the door was still closing when she popped up 😂 can you imagine if one of them doubled back right at that moment
3:18 they look like the dudes from that veggietales movie, I think it was Esther- the island of perpetual tickling?? Anyone??? 😂😂😂
4:00 Kate vented.......
4:51 "not a rat" yeah no shit
5:07 if not for the suspense, I would be jamming out lmaooo
6:10 Mr. Benedict is looking at the shoreline, is he about to watch Kate dive in???? Because I mean that's where she's gotta be going
6:20 "memory challenges"? Is Rhonda talking about Milligan's amnesia, or has short term memory been affected as well??
6:29 .....thank you for answering so efficiently 😂
6:42 "I buy it. I completely.... buy it." RHONDA THAT'S NOT HELPFUL AHSKSHDJKD
6:56 can you imagine seeing your friend go down in a sub then hours later seeing the sub float up in fucking PIECES
7:06 KATE! KATE! KATE! KATE!
7:06 please let it be reunion time
7:25 oh hello that's a drop
7:38 *to the tune of Bezos I* come on Katie u can do it pave the way put ur back into it
7:51 she craves that mineral
8:06 Sticky, my child
8:20 oh my gosh they went out and LOOKED FOR HER I care them 😭😭😭
8:23 SHE KNEW HIS DREAM SHE KNEW HIS DREAM TELEPATH TELEPATH TELEPATH
8:34 STICKY STOPPPP
8:40 "jumping to conclusions is a failure of character" wow that really is something Curtain would say
8:52 angry Reynie. He is in rare form
8:54 "and you helped put her there!" OOOOOOOH I SCREAMED
9:03 "I shouldn't have yelled" okay but you kinda should have Sticky needs a wake up call
9:06 "dont apologize. I like this side of you." IS THIS THE START OF REYNIE AND CONSTANCE HAVING THE BEST SIBLING RELATIONSHIP
9:22 "if you really cared about me, you'd want me to be happy instead of standing there telling me who I am" oh Sticky my dude I am NOT digging the manipulation
9:36 Reynie pulling out the BFF card!!! Also Reynie digging in his feet because he knows he's right!!!! That's great setup for his arc as a strategist later
9:48 "I'm telling you, Kate's fine." Narrator: Kate was not, in fact, fine.
10:03 "they'll notice." Sticky has made one (1) good point.
10:11 oh dear god are they fingerprinting this bitch
10:19 all this equipment, has no one walked up to the cliff and looked down???
10:23 HAHAHAHA WAIT THEY ACTUALLY HAVEN'T
10:27 "we've been out here all night" that means Kate has been clinging to a cliff by her fingers and toes ALL NIGHT????
11:04 babe I know it's been a long night but maybe wait a second for them to actually leave before you climb back up
11:15 BUCKET NO
11:22 she has to go get it. There's no way someone wouldn't find that shit, it's in plain view
11:37 "WAS"???? WHY ARE WE SAYING WAS????? NO PAST TENSE HERE MILLIGAN'S FINE
11:43 "I only wish we could've known him better" NOOOPE NONONO WE'RE NOT DOING THIS
11:47 Rhonda back at it as the voice of reason!!!!!
11:59 "I have never met a more competent swimmer" throwback to "the baaAAAYYYY"
12:10 MR. BENEDICT'S FACE HAHAHAHA HOLD ON LET ME TAKE A PICTURE IM DYING
12:11 NUMBER TWO, NOT HELPING
12:14 RHONDA'S FACE HAHENDJDKDN
12:33 "we will go rescue him" because of COURSE he would
12:36 Rhonda is his best wingwoman omfg she's so consistent
12:54 MISS PERUMAL??????
12:56 MISS PERUMAL!!!!!!
13:00 SHE KNOWS HE'S RIGHT GAKSHDBDHEKSNND
13:09 "how hard can it be? It's an island!" PFFFFT
13:16 oh SQ baby boy please get out of there
13:25 "I certainly have my own suspicions" he said, looking at SQ why are you looking at SQ like that
13:31 SQ GET OUT OF THERE PLEASE IS2G
13:36 here we fuckin go
13:43 the captions have the f in forest capitalized like it's this special place
13:43 new hc that the Forest is a magical place like pixie hollow
13:57 TWO THINGS: 1. YES stand up for yourself baby!!!! 2. Shepard Quaid? Interesting! I don't think we ever got SQ's full name in the books, I hope TLS made that decision!
14:08 your "father hat"??? Oh my gosh shut the fuck up right there don't even continue
14:16 oh yeah real fuckin cute put on your "steward of this institution hat" and call that a good reason to be a shit person
14:43 "No." GOOD FOR HIMMMM GOOD JOB SQ
15:03 Kate's struggling right by the shore where a certain someone would be returning after a very hard swim, it would be a great time for a meeting wouldn't you think
15:09 KATE THE GREAT
15:11 "THE TRAPESE GODDESS" I WILL REFER TO HER AS NOTHING ELSE
15:26 sorry but that green screen of her falling was kinda funny
15:28 soooooo is someone, a very certain someone, gonna catch her...??????
15:36 YEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
15:43 IS THIS IT????@?@?!?
15:46 awww poor baby girl you can tell how tired she is
15:46 just putting this out there- they look so good in frame together
15:46 the actor who plays Milligan is fucking huge in stature so I wasn't sure how that would go but it looks so good
16:00 THE WAY HE'S LOOKING AT HER WITH HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER I CANT DO THISSSSS
16:20 "keep going." 😭😭😭😭😭
16:23 "you dont understand." Ohhhh I think he does
16:25 "I think I do." What did I tell you, he's got your back babygirl
16:45 I'm so glad she's talking this out, and with Milligan of all people
17:01 it makes so much sense for Kate to feel alone in that situation, and when Kate feels anything less than positive she goes and does something, whatever that something is.
17:05 "So.. I...." "fell off a cliff and nearly died." Thanks for putting things into perspective Milligan
17:05 Milligan is such a good dad stop
17:19 "most of the way" is an understatement LMFAO
17:29 I'm so glad we know the intimate details of Milligan's illustrious swimming abilities 😂 out of all the new things wfrom the show that one wasnt on my radar
17:52 leave it to Milligan to come up with an escape plan off of an island with no water vessel with four kids in tow
18:08 THEYRE SO CUTE 😭😭😭😭
18:08 lowkey I'm super surprised they didnt take this opportunity to have Milligan's arduous swim force his memories out and have the father daughter bonding time they deserve. I hope they give that moment ample time to flesh out.
18:13 BUCKET!!!
18:13 wait that shot is so artsy hold up lmfao
18:13 this looks like someone's photography final hahahaha
18:26 THE TENDER MUSIC STOPPPP 😭😭😭
18:41 Sticky is still on that jumping to conclusions bs he got from Curtain
18:44 WETHERALL'S WIDGET 😭
19:31 "Kate... she's in danger..." NO SHIT SHERLOCK
19:36 "and it's all because of me." Not just because of you but love to see you taking responsibility
19:52 once again I am asking WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS IN THE OPEN
20:26 "Kate. She has changed." "Not really. She's always been who she is." "Her clothes. She changed clothes." PFFFT HAHHAHA they really took a moment of self-reflection and made it so much better
20:55 AYYYYY KATE'S DEPENDENCY ARC CONTINUESSSSS
21:35 yikes yikes yikes
22:16 I love that Mr. Benedict got closure in telling Miss Perumal that her words stuck with him
22:40 the way she just knows Reynie took the position of leader 😭😭
22:54 SHE WROTE HIM A LETTERRR
23:02 "Would it be possible to get this to him?" Ma'am what part of undercover spy don't you get
23:54 it's still really weird that we are now in a position where Reynie is the one who is not trusted and Sticky is the one in Curtain's favor
24:13 and here we see Curtain's thinly veiled anger issues shining through
24:21 "the little things matter. Every minor detail, it all matters!" CALLBACK TO MR. BENEDICT TELLING THE CHILDREN THAT THEY ALL MATTER
24:55 "I can tell with complete accuracy when a person is lying." first of all, no. second of all, I cannot wait for him to talk to Constance.
26:33 why is Mr. Benedict graphically explaining the children's potential trauma so funny to me
26:40 "you're catastrophizing." "Yes. I am. Quite severely. Thank you." WHY IS THIS FUNNY
26:58 MADGE!!!!
27:16 she's so prettyyyyy
27:33 GOOD JOB MADGE!!!!!
27:36 wait did she just take the LETTER??? she's delivering the LETTER?????
28:05 WHAT DOES "OKAY FINE" MEAN??? REYNIE??????
28:22 it's sad because it's true 🥺
28:24 "I miss my teacher from the orphanage" the best lies are the ones rooted in truth 🥺🥺🥺
28:48 roll credits
29:16 Reynie honey Orion's Belt isn't on the ceiling
29:29 the way he was so confident that he had it right 😑 Curtain Stop Being a Pretentious Fuck challenge
29:52 our babygirl is so smartttt
29:55 did Milligan plant his prints 😳 oh no OH NO
29:57 MARTINA???? WHATSUEJHDKD
29:57 is this the replacement for when they pin cheating on her????
30:03 THE KEY CARD!!!!
30:11 MADGEEEE
30:21 "one attacked me as a small child" honey you are a small child
30:24 "it did not win," she said, smiling menacingly
30:40 "so we dance again" WHY DID THE MUSIC REV UP WHEN SHE SAID THAT HAHAHAHA
31:01 ✨woodworking is a passion✨
31:58 "was it functional?" "Well I guess that depends on how you define functionality" RHONDA'S FACE IN THE BACKGROUND HAHAHAHA
32:10 OH HEY MARTINA
32:17 wait 🥺
32:22 that has to be SQ :)
32:28 hi sweet boy
32:34 please tell me they did that shot of the sandwich because Madge is about to take it
32:39 LMFAOOOOO
32:44 hi good girl!!! Enjoy your snackies
32:50 oh god oh no the LETTER
33:25 oh wow we're doing this NOW??
33:52 and here we see another example of Curtain's thinly veiled anger issues bubbling to the surface
34:10 hey what if you uhhh weren't such an asshole
34:33 that man's voice is buttery
34:52 REYNIE'S TRYING TO TELL SQ????
35:02 and they're talking about this right in front of the office door, WHY??
35:24 AND THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE OFFICE DOOR, WHY????
35:55 he's letting him go 🥺🥺🥺🥺
36:14 why does that look like a body bag
36:17 oh my gosh it definitely is a body bag, hey Martina
36:25 yep, that's about what I expected
36:36 "whoever did this to me, they're gonna pay" oh girl do I have some bad news for you
37:12 ahhhh, so Martina is the burnt out gifted kid who keeps going out of spite and sheer force of will
37:12 everything makes much more sense now
37:30 ohhhhh my gosh feelings time
37:44 "I think it's awesome." "Yeah. I know you do." THE SHIPPERS ARE THRIVING
37:54 THEY REALLY WANT TO MAKE THIS AS PAINFUL AS POSSIBLE HUH
38:10 "it's the least I can do" that's an understatement 😬
38:14 AAWWWWW SHKSHSLSBDK
38:20 "I don't know what I'd do without you, Wetherall" STOPPPPP
38:30 HEY BUD UH MAYBE CLOSE YOUR DOOR???
38:38 he's been writing letters to her every night and now he finally gets one back 😭😭
39:34 so Miss Perumal wrote this letter with the intention of it being sent to him, right- why did she write it like that?? 😂
39:34 they've gone to such lengths to communicate in code but the letter kind of undermines that- it was written in such a way that an onlooker would know Reynie was a spy but wouldn't know what he was doing or why. No wonder SQ was pissed
39:41 KATE!!
40:10 BREAKING NEWS: local bastard man treats everyone like shit
40:15 ohhhhh SQ bud please be careful
40:30 "always have time for my son," he said in a clipped voice that implied that he does not have time for his son
40:35 ohhh he's getting RIGHT INTO IT HUH
40:41 you mean to tell me he's never asked about Mr. Curtain's work?? Ever???? Somehow that doesn't seem right to me
40:57 hey uh what if you didn't talk down to SQ at every opportunity
41:02 "would you care to reconsider that answer, son?" "No." DIG THOSE HEELS IN SQ!!!!
41:22 I'm really not digging that Curtain is using the guise of openly expressing his feelings to communicate his anger and his unasked question. Not cool bitch head
41:33 the fact that he didn't answer SQ's spoken question kind of also answers his unspoken question
41:45 "I knew there was something off about that girl. But espionage?" "How do you so convincingly fake a tetherball obsession?" I love that this entire conversation could be about Martina or Kate interchangeably
42:34 WELL THAT'S NOT GOOD
42:36 IF IT WAS THAT EASY TO FIND WITH BINOCULARS HOW HAD THEY NOT BEEN SPOTTED UP UNTIL THIS POINT?!!?#? HOW????
43:05 Kate advocating for Martina with the Society 🥺🥺 the interaction I didn't know I needed
43:58 "I definitely don't like to leave anything unfinished." "That's true, I've seen you eat." PFFFFT
44:05 YESS YOU GO STICKY USE YOUR ACCESS FOR PRIME INTEL
44:19 "well, you can't succeed without me, so..." baby girl you have no idea how right you are
44:28 please let that be Milligan PLEASE LET THAT BE MILLIGAN
44:32 YEAAAAAHHHHH
44:35 I simply adore him
44:45 "would you mind helping me down, please? I'm stuck." Your honor I would die for this man
44:54 oh shit, Martina's tryna sleuth it out herself.. this can't end well
45:04 is she about to find Kate's marbles or something?? Callback to the book?
45:26 the absolute MURDER in her eyes
45:31 FUCKIN YIKES
45:41 "the clothes of someone who had given up" ASEJDGEIDNDLFK
45:47 well that's not good
46:00 WELL THAT'S NOT GOOD
46:04 PLEASE let them be on their way already, please
46:14 THEY MADE A BLIMP????
46:17 Goodyear is QUAKING
46:35 why the fuck is Number Two in red, that's upsetting on principle
THEYRE JUST ENDING IT THERE???? goddamnit!!!!
How surreal is it that next week is the finale?? Idk if I'm ready for that????
#mbs disney+#mbs liveblog#the dance of the celestial orb#the mysterious benedict society#charity's talkies
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Chapter 37: I trusted you
words: 1307
tw: general violence, blood,
One observation can sometimes unpack a whole mountain of issues, and when people are under a mountain they try to dig their way out, that was gonna be hard for you conjuring you boyfriend was crushing your arms to your side
“LET ME GO NOW!” you said trashing your arms, katsuki holding you in a backwards bear hug
“(name) JUST CALM DOWN!” Katsuki yelled like that was going to work
“NO LET ME GO RIGHT NOW BAKUGOU!” you yelled, what did that self defence video say to do again, stop on the person foot as hard as you can, one second having a conversation and the next Katsuki was grabbing you and trying to drag you towards the back room, you tried stopping on his foot but he was was to tall and him suspending you in the air at the moment wasn't helping, so the inner child of you came out and you bit down on his forearm as hard as you could sinking your teeth into his amr, he let out a yelp.
“STOP THAT YOU ARE JUST MAKING IT WORSE FOR YOURSELF.” he yelled, he wasn't listening, and so help you, you would rip out a piece of his arm if he didnt let go of you, you kept sinking in the metallic taste of blood flooding your mouth, still katsuki had a strong grip on you, you swung your feet back kicking him the knee cap
“You...argh aren't gonna go easily huh.” he said “Don't make me use my quirk on you.”
You swung your headache as hard as you could and smacked him in the chin, physically you could never win against him, not in this lifetime or the next one. You smacked him so hard you also hurt yourself but the adrenaline was kicking in so the small stars you were seeing were not doing much, Katsuki let go for a brief second and you slipped out on his arms you stopped as hard as you could on leather boots that just happen to add a layer of protection, katsuki easily grabbed you again as you kept trashing, and he just through you into the back room quickly slamming the door as you ran for the exit.
“YOU SON OF A BITCH LET ME OUT OF HERE!” you yelled banging on the door
“STAY IN THERE TILL YOU HAVE CLAM DOWN!” Katsuki yelled back wondering what the hell had gotten into you, i mean sure all he was doing was planning to keep you up here to keep you safe from all those damn idiots in the city, you didn't need to lash out that bad. He kept his back to the door keeping it shut so you couldn't ram yourself though the door, who knew you were such a fighter. Katsuki kept a hand on the door keeping it close while his new freshly bitten arm was bleeding everywhere.
“Shit dammit, fuck.” Katsuki said as he put a door stopper in the way, that should hold you as he went to the bathroom and washed his wound and put a shit ton of antibiotics on it then wrapped it up, wasn't the first time someone had bitten him trying to escape, but it hurt even more that it came from you.
He went back out and still heard the banging
“Okay calm down Katsuki, once she settles down we can explain everything to her and it will be fine.” He thought as he heard you kick the door
“You are only gonna hurt yourself doing that.” He said
“Fuck you.” you said “I can't believe you would do this, i trusted you.”
“(name) you can still trust me.” Katsuki said
“After this how the hell could I ever trust you, going behind my back to try and keep me in the cabin while you go back to the city living your life while I have no choice but to stay here like some sort of pet!”
“You aren't a pet!” Katsuki said as he slammed his fist on the door “and without me where would you be right now, alone in that small shabby apartment living from paycheck to paycheck with no friends, or family is living in a cabin that bad to you.”
“I loved the city Bakugou, that's why i decided to stay there, you-you don't even know me, haha and here i thought you were different and would listen to me.”
“I DID LISTEN TO YOU, I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU!” Katsuki yelled back, you felt familiar heart palpitations in your chest, deep breaths deep breaths, now was not the time for a panic attack thinking about that old bastard that was six feet under, you didn't need Katsuki using this as an excuse to confront you.
“You have been pulling the string behind my back for so long, finding me a new apartment to be nice only to have me move in with you, putting my highschool life that I put in the past all over the internet, threatening my old bully with your quirk, how many more things have you covered up-”
“Also being there for you when your arm was destroyed, and who was the one who got it back to normal for you, me I just want to protect you (name), you will be safe up here!”
“YOU MADE THAT DECISION ON YOUR OWN, AND WENT BEHIND MY BACK AGAIN TO TRY AND KEEP ME HERE!”
“You still aren't understanding, stay in there till you calm down and can't think straight.” Katsuki said, walking away.
You were trapped whatever was on the other side wouldn't let you open the door, no matter how much you pushed or kicked it, no window either you looked back at the phone cord and got to work rummaging through the office door, your father was a horrible man but at least you remember him teaching you how to fix wiring.
You found an old computer mouse and stripped it of its copper wiring and got to work before wrapping electrical tape around it, you dialed up the number Kirishima gave you.
“Hello Kirishima speaking?” he answer
“Hey kiri it's me, I need you to speak quietly, look Katsuki has gone off the deep end, he isn't acting like himself, or he is I don't know, look I'm in trouble, he took down the checkpoints to get back on the main path and he cut the wiring on the phone here, also he took down the Wi-Fi.”
“Okay (name) stay calm that is...very very weird, me and Denki are actually on our way there right now i thought something was fishy, look hang tight.”
“I will and please hurry. I don't know what is going through his mind, I'm not sure if he is dangerous or not. He threw me in the backroom and locked me in-beep beep beep.”
“Shit signal gave out.” Kirishima said
“What happened?” Denki said
“I was right, Katsuki is not himself and has trapped (name) in his cabin.”
“Shit shouldn't we call the police.” Denki said
“ Denki, if the police showed up to a location and Katsuki was there, the number one hero they would think was a prank call, also the last thing Katsuki needs is more bad press. Something is wrong and we need to figure out what it is.”
“I can't believe you.” Katsuki said now standing in the doorway
“Same here.” you said still holding the phone in hand “I can't believe you turned off the circuit breaker.”
“I'm only doing this for you (name).” he said “just think about it dumbass, how many times have you been hurt or pushed around there, you are safe here.”
“...I don't feel safe around you anymore.” you said, That felt like someone had just punched Katsuki in the stomach.
“Okay...fine be that way.” Katsuki said
#yandere katsuki bakugo#yandere katsuki bakugou#yandere bakugou#yandere bakugo#yandere katsuki#yandere boku no hero academia#yandere my hero academia#yandere
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amore?
michael gray x italian american male reader
wc: 1.5k
warnings: mentions of death, scars, you know the drill
request: My gay italian ass self would LOVE a Micheal Gray fic, but like, not sure he would like a guy who's italian after that fucking Luca incident.. and I dont know if you write for mlm..
a/n: I hope you enjoy! idk why i made it so long but when i get a plot in my head i mean,,,,,
also i always try not to describe the readers features so everyone can be represented and i full mean for that when i say early on that michael sees him as italian. I personally dont look italian besides my nose- somehow the like 2% irish overrided it- so obviously this is a little off but i didnt know where to fix it
1927
Michael sat in his desk chair facing the window.
He was in New York City, he was the head of this branch of the company.
But he still felt like something was missing. Naturally, part of that feeling was from the fact that he had been exiled from his home. But the other was something else, boredom maybe, depression, loneliness.
He sighed and turned back to his desk, where his meetings planner was open to the days page.
His first meeting was a clandestine one, booked under a guise of what it really was. It was always intriguing, Michael thought, running a company that was a front.
What he knew of this client was they were attached to one of the city’s hundreds of speakeasies, what these prohibition inhibited Americans called their secret pubs. And he assumed the client was coming to purchase some quality booze from the Shelby Company Limited.
What he he didn’t expect was who they were going to send.
Normally the heads of the pubs sent someone to broker the deal in their place, a tall weasel faced man usually, who reeked of alcohol from every pore.
Instead, when his secretary opened the door, an incredibly striking Italian lad strode through.
-
You weren’t expecting to see a man like that behind the desk. You figured it’d be some slimy old guy getting rich off of the illegal cash. Not a charming and incredibly handsome British boy.
-
“Uh hi, I’m Michael, Michael Gray.” He held his hand out to you and you shook it.
“I’m (y/n) (l/n).”
He offered you a seat.
“You’re not from around here are you?” You said.
He chuckled, “What gave it away?”
The deal was done in barely a half hour. But somehow you both found yourselves at lunch.
“So how did you find yourself in, well, this line of work?” Michael asked.
“Well it’s pretty simple, there’s always work for people who don’t mind taking risks.” Michael smiled at that. You continued,
“but I could ask you the same question.”
“Well lets say that this is one of the less illegal ventures of my family. And as you put it, risks are lucrative.”
“Ill cheers to that.” You smiled and raised a glass.
-
The lunches happened again, and then again.
Soon you were meeting daily, making up further excuses for getting to know each other.
-
“My family is, well, its complicated...” Michael chuckled one day as you were at lunch.
You smirked, “Michael, i’m Italian. My family is fucking nuts, trust me, your’s is no worse than mine.”
With people who had said that to Michael in the past he had laughed along and said sure, he was sure you meant it. Probably not in the same way, but he was in no position to argue.
“I might work in the illegal pub world, but some of my family is fucking nuts,” You began. “My parents are fine, they came over from Italy before the war and brought my grandma, who i’m convinced my grandma used to be a spy or something in Italy. At least 3 of my cousins are working for the mob. It easy work for us, we’re all connected to one family or another between here and the old country.” You noticed a dark look on Michael’s face, a typical reaction “Dont worry, not the big guys like the Black hand, we don’t mix with Sicilians, they think they’re better because they live on an island.”
You went on for a bit more, just basic family outlining. And then it was his turn.
Michael went into the abbreviated version of his past (how he was taken and adopted) and the Shelby’s endeavors- the betting to drugs, smuggling, alcohol. Eventually he got up to the Changretta execution and John.
“John was killed by the Black hand in December ‘25.”
“Stronzi, I’m sorry.” You cursed.
He rubbed his right shoulder, “Yeah, after that my cousins decided to take down the boss, unfortunately I made some stupid decisions that could have ruined the plan and ended up exiled here.”
He took a weak bite of food. You tried to lighten the mood.
“Well, you weren’t kidding when you said you’re family was complicated.”
You both laughed.
Shortly after this lunch you were both walking back to his office when a group of black clad men passed by on the street. They passed by without issue, but you saw that Michael paled and clenched his jaw. They were blatantly Black Hand. You saw he was rubbing his right shoulder again, nd you now figured it was a nervous habit. You endeavored to take his mind off it and started a new conversation.
-
About a month following this, you had brought Michael to the bar where you worked. You danced to the jazz and drank heavily, both getting caught in the energy of the decade.
You ended up back at his office, now the only ones there, and he cracked open a hidden bottle of Shelby malt.
Now both of you were on several glasses of liquor from the night, you found yourself floating in and out of conscious perception. Though you came to, suddenly, when you realized your lips were quite incriminatingly interlocked with Michael’s.
Your inhibitions lowered, you continued gladly. And before anything progressed you both passed out drunk on his office floor.
-
You didn’t talk to him the next day. Mostly because your hangover was so severe you thought you would have permanent brain damage, but also because you were not sure how to proceed.
It would be easy to pretend like nothing had ever happened. To blame it on the booze, or just claim you didn’t have any recollection of the night. That was also gnawing at you, what if Michael didn’t remember?
It would be easy to just move past it, but did you want that?
-
Michael still felt the slight pressure in his head after 2 days. He rubbed his eyes and put the cigarette back to his lips. He was sitting in his apartment contemplating. He knew what he wanted, but did he want to risk it.
The door buzzer rang as he stumped the cigarette out. Who was calling at this hour? He took his pistol from the table.
He walked along the passageway to the door, he unlocked it and looked through the crack.
His heart skipped a beat and he released his grip on the gun.
“I got your address from your secretary.” You said. “I hope that’s o–”
Michael cut you off by pulling you inside and kissing you against the shut door. You gave in to surprise and kissed back, pushing him through the hallway.
Without breaking you unbuttoned your shirt and let it fall in your path. He broke for a breath of air.
You kissed him again and began to unbutton his shirt. He pulled back quickly to say something, but it was too late. You had already seen them.
Two knotted scars on his right shoulder.
“Michael what-”
“I didn’t want to tell you.” He looked down. “I was scared.”
Still in shock you watched as he finished unbuttoning his shirt. Low on his abdomen were two more scars.
Suddenly in your mind you connected the signs, talking about john, the Sicilians, and the instinctive rub of his shoulder.
“They shot you too.” You said in a barely audible whisper.
Michael only nodded.
You walked forward and reached a tentative hand out to one on his shoulder. Tears prickled your eyes. You walked around to his back, you hand trailing over the soft skin before finding the exit scars from 3 of the bullets.
Michael turned to face you.
“I didn’t think you’d ever find out.”
You nodded.
He put his hand behind your head and guided it back to his.
-
“What do your parents think?” Michael asked later.
Your head was tucked in the curve of his neck, your arm laying over his bare chest, playing carelessly with the sheet draped over it.
“My dads not really invested around to care, i think he knows but it’s just brushed over. Ma still thinks that maybe if she pushes the right Italian girl at me i’ll change. But honestly?” You laughed. “You’re catholic, she’ll be over the moon.”
Michael smiled and threaded his fingers through your hand.
“What about you?” You moved back a little to see his face better, “Does anyone know?”
Michael let out a deep breath, the one that normally proceeded any talk referring to his family.
“There was always so much going on that i didn't have much time to process, much less let anyone else see it. There were girls, i wont lie. That may have thrown them off. Even now, i think there is so much actual bad going on that what i do wouldn't make any of them bat an eye.”
“Is this what you want?”
He looked at you,
“I didn’t know until now.”
You breathed.
“And?”
“More than anything.”
And he kissed you again.
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#michael gray#michael gray x reader#Michael Gray imagine#michael gray x male reader#male reader#peaky blinders x male!reader#Peaky Blinders#mlm#michael gray x male!reader#ididnt know how to fucking end thissorry fdlgksjdflgkjdflkgd
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was gonna try and do multiple characters in one post but nope! i have too much to say. also the pictures are all different sizes so its rly hard to get the photoset to look appealing, so we’re starting w/ blue. and also a colored pic of what adam looks like when he’s not a deer. boy’s tryin not to stand out. which goes great up for him right up until it doesn’t. lmao. i’ll talk a bit about him too w/ stuff that didnt get mentioned in the starter post about him and gansey, but this is mostly gonna be about blue.
SO.
there’s this fey entity, right? i don’t have a name for them, but they’re not...they didnt START the fey/human conflict, but they are benefiting from it, politically speaking? and when maura was younger, despite other witches being like “girl dont choose sides, we’re witches, we guard boundaries but we don’t choose sides,” was hotheaded and brash and went “ok but fuck that though” and one thing led to another and she ended up getting a curse on her firstborn. Oops. that’s where the kissing curse comes from, here; i’ll get into that much later in a text post probably but gansey’s survivor’s guilt thing doesnt come from him actually dying in this au it’s from something Else, but blue will still kill him if she kisses him, just, for different reasons, it’s an actual curse this time and not something to do with the nature of who they both are.
her father’s still a tree light, but like, she actually knows that from the outset? because. they live in cabeswater. the tree lights are all around and accept her as one of their own even if she can’t turn into a tree, and as a result of that, she’s got some cool perks.
a) extremely resistant and/or outright immune to a Lot of fey bullshit
b) still boosts psychic energies and magical powers like in canon
c) the absolute safest person to be traveling in cabeswater ever, because the forest itself loves her, and also if you mess with her within the borders of cabeswater a bunch of tree lights will physically manifest and be like “hey buddy wanna think twice about that”
but she can’t use magic herself, still, which actually works in the favor of herself and the coven--witchcraft is in a sort of weird spot, culturally, where it’s both feared and often hated, but also understood to at times be necessary, especially by rural peoples like those of the village. im taking a very discworld spin on the witchcraft, because i love discworld and you can’t stop me, and so the attitude is, like. its frightening ancient magic and the church hates it but when there’s an emergency and someone’s on the border between life and death, or something is trying to pass into this world from another, etc etc etc, then you gotta suck it up and call on a witch because they’re the only ones who can deal with those things. so. the coven is tolerated, both because it’s too big and powerful to actually fight but also because it’s extremely needed when you live in a village right next door to fey lands. you NEED someone watching the border. however that doesn’t mean anyone wants to be seen publicly talking to a witch--but blue’s not a witch. she’s a witch’s daughter, but she’s not a witch herself, which is a step removed enough that she can go into town and run errands and also people will maybe pull her discretely aside and tell her if something’s coming up that the coven should know about, and it all works very neatly with her acting as a sort of liaison. very important role she plays, which is why gansey tries talking to her after his initial attempt to speak with the coven directly fails.
speaking of the coven itself: i’ve been calling it the fox way coven, even tho it probably wouldn’t be called that because there’s no road called fox way that the coven is built on, it’s a big magic house out in the fairy forest, BUT they do have a fox theme because i love foxes and this is a gift i have been given. if people have familiars in this coven, they’re foxes rather than cats, because as wonderful as cats are u cant have them and foxes in the same house that will go bad. but also there’s a v small number of them, like maybe three or four total out of the much higher number of women living there, who are fey blooded like adam, but who become foxes rather than adam’s deer. persephone is one of these! (it’s worth noting the reason why they become the same animal is because of a combination of coincidence, intentional theming, and mostly just because like, virtually all of the residents there aside from persephone are related to either maura or calla)
anyway the point is, because of this, blue’d seen enough feyblood transformations that when, one day when she was 9 or 10, on a visit to town, she saw the most distressed, disoriented fawn wobbling around frantically and was able to very quickly recognize that that was, in fact, a person who had probably turned into a deer for the first time, and responded by very calmly informing him that she knew who could help and leading him home. this is where those last two pictures come from, and how adam’s apprenticeship started.
like, there was a lot of arguing from the witches immediately--of course we’re going to teach him how to become human again but we aren’t really going to take him on in the coven are we? he’s a boy, he’s some local kid we know nothing about, what happened to keeping it in the family, he’s the wrong animal and we’ve got a whole thing going on--at which point persephone parted everyone like the red sea, took one look at adam, went “mine now” and despite a lot of grumbling that was the end of it. she took him on a bit of a tour of cabeswater a few days later, after he’d had time to think it over, and he felt so drawn to the forest that he agreed to the apprenticeship.
so he’s technically persephone’s apprentice but like in actual practice he’s being taught by the entire coven lmao, ANYWAY
adam being adam also had a backup plan for trying to get out of the village--even at ten he figured witchcraft might be a first way out of there, he was already thinking about it, but by thirteen when the good ole abuse started (and at which point the last whispers of dissent died out very quickly amongst the coven, nope, adam is one of us now, do you want us to very threateningly hang out in your front yard sometime because we can do that--what do you mean no, let us do this,) he was also like. i dont think this is a guarantee of getting out of here i need a second job. and the thing is, as was mentioned in the original post, the fey blood also means adam’s got issues with iron; it’ll poison him if he’s stabbed with it but it also reacts to his skin touching it like a hot stove. he’s fine if there’s a layer between his skin and the iron, but if he touches it directly, it’s Bad. so ofc this headstrong idiot takes an open spot a t a metalworker’s in the village because adam is the king of making bad decisions. the witches have a betting pool on how long it’ll take him to out himself. “its fine i’ll wear gloves,” he says. “it’s the perfect disguise no one will expect someone with fey connections to work near so much iron,” he says. “i have everything perfectly under control,” he says.
anyway he totally forgets to wear gloves before grabbing an iron tool while his dad and his boss are both in the store and in clear view of him and that’s why he was getting chased by hunters when gansey rescued him
also he and blue tried dating when they were like 13-14 and it ended about as badly as in canon and they made up later and by the time the story starts they’ve settled into very much being weird siblings. adam starts hanging out with gansey initially to try and basically spy on him, figure out why he’s here, but ends up rly liking the guy and deciding his reasons are sincerely to try and help people, and he tells this to blue who starts immediately accusing him of having a crush on the lordling and being a class traitor, because she does NOT like gansey at this point and really the nobility all prefer wizards to witches which is a stupid idiot decision and frankly the fact that this lordling is apparently enamored by some random deer is hilarious to her, but even moreso is the fact that adam actually defends the lordling to her, like, “wow adam its hilarious that the lordling’s friend thinks that you have charmed the lordling because from my perspective it looks the other way around” “shut uuuup you’re not listening im serious, like, yeah ok he put his foot in his mouth really hard when he talked to you but im telling you i dont think the whole i-wanna-understand thing is an act” “idk if i can trust you through those rose tinted glasses buddy. tell me again about that time he called you princely?” “oh my god”
this is turning into rambling but. thats the gist of the witches and blue esp thank u for coming if u made it this far here’s a bonus persephone fox
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Moceit/found family Superfamily AU
(Tw: mention of panic attacks, depression, anxiety, death, kidnapping, human trafficking. Nothing is shown in huge detail at all but be warned)
Also this is a long plot so bare with me:
Okay so Janus Trần was a 20 year old law student by day, world famous super hero named Deceit by night
His power was that Janus had the ability to mind control people if they looked him in the eyes
And while Janus had always used his powers for good, most people (especially the media) still feared Deceit for what he could potentially do
But that was fine, right? I mean he didn’t really have any friends as Janus and as Deceit the world hated him, but he worked better alone! He was definitely not suffering from crippling loneliness... definitely not...
Everything changed when, while stopping a back robbery, another hero named Morality thought Deceit was the one robbing the bank and tried to fight him
And even when after the mixup was cleared up, Janus was still pissed
Except staying mad at Morality was kind of hard. Because instead of trying to justify himself, Morality told him he was really really sorry and insisted on taking Deceit out for lunch to make up for it
During lunch Janus learned a couple of things:
1) Morality had no concept of keeping secrets. He revealed that his real name was Patton Saleh, he was 22, he had two moms and worked at their bakery, and his powers were to manipulate the weather around him based on his emotions
2) Patton was one stubborn SOB. He payed for the meal (despite Janus’ arguing), he gave Janus his number and started texting him later that night, and decided that they were going to be friends, whether Janus liked it or not
3) Janus was already falling in love with this human ball of sunshine... well shit
The two began hanging out as heroes almost daily (Janus swore that he was annoyed by this) and even began teaming up together to fight together
And that actually worked out really well! They both had way better success rates when they fought together, and Janus really felt happier then ever now that he finally had a friend
The issue was that Janus still didn’t want to give up any of his secrets. About a year after they first met (a year of keeping his growing and growing crush on Patton hidden) and Patton still didn’t know Deceit’s real name, age, occupation, or literally anything
This caused a wedge between the two of them that eventually turned into a huge argument. This ended with Patton screaming that he refused to give his heart to someone who won’t give anything back in return and storming off
The two didnt talk for months and the depression and loneliness hit Janus way harder then ever. He even considered not being a hero anymore because of it
Then one day he saw on the news that Morality got hurt in a battle. Badly hurt. And it was a fight that the two of them could have easily won together but because he was alone, Patton was hurt. Because of him, Patton was hurt
Janus booked it over to the Storytellers’ headquarters (Thomas had the ability to heal wounds and acted as the superhero medical assistance for anyone who needed it)
Storyteller explained that Patton would be fine but he would probably be unconscious for a while and that Janus could sit by his bed to wait
While there, seeing the love of his life so pale and lifeless, Janus broke down and told Patton everything. He confessed his name and his whole backstory- how his parents kicked him out when he was 16 because of his powers. He confessed that he had been scared of opening up ever since then and getting hurt again. And he confessed that he loved Patton so so much, even though he didn’t feel worthy to love someone as wonderful as Patton
Three days later, Patton woke up. And the first thing he did is ask for Janus; not Deceit though, he asked for Janus. Meaning Patton had heard everything while he was out. Once Storyteller gave him the all clear to go into his room, Patton immediately pulled Janus in for a kiss and said that he’d been in love with Janus since that first lunch
Janus wasn’t crying. He was not sobbing hysterically and holding Patton’s hand like a lifeline thank you very much.
Once Patton got back on his feet, the two started dating for real. And sure, they still occasionally fought about Patton not putting himself first or Janus hiding things, but they worked through these things each and every time
Half a year later and the two moved in together
And a year after that and they finally got married
Fast forward to when Janus was 31 and Patton was 33. Patton owned his own restaurant, Janus was a very successful lawyer, and the hero thing was going great
One day while Janus was in court, Morality was patrolling the city when he noticed a figure in black hood and mask graffitiing a building. He went to stop the person but as soon as he touched them, he started having vivid, graphic hallucinations of his worst nightmares until he collapsed on the ground screaming and crying
Eventually Janus got a call saying what happened, and he rushed downtown to pick up his husband and take him home
The hallucinations didn’t end until twelve hours later and the first thing Patton said when he was able to speak was that they needed to find the person who did that to him. But not to get revenge like Janus thought, but to help them
Janus tried to appeal to his husband but Patton was deadset that before the person lashed out, he saw their eyes and they looked like a scared child that needs help rather then a villain
After a week of searching the duo tracked down the kid and found him robbing a 7/11. The kid was hesitant to explain anything, but he didn’t attack them. Before he ran away though, he told them to call him Anxiety and that he was sorry he hurt Morality. Patton considered the interaction a win
Over the course of a year, they continued to reach out to Anxiety. They bought him food whenever they saw him, got him warmer clothes in the winter, they even invited him to sleep over at their house when he got sick or too tired to go home. But he still refused to give his name or take off his mask, even when Janus or Patton trusted him enough to reveal theirs
And Janus found himself getting attached to this sarcastic, introverted little kid. He taught Anxiety to better control his powers (turned out that that first day with Patton was an accident because Anxiety was stressed out) and how to defend himself without powers
The breaking point was reached when one day, Anxiety came to them in the middle of a panic attack. They calmed him down enough for him to explain that, when he was eight his powers manifested, and his mom started abusing him and calling him a monster- and now she has been threatening to kill him
Janus and Patton felt their hearts’ break for their kid so they promised they wouldn’t let him go back to her. Finally Anxiety took off his mask and told them his name was Virgil Brown and he was 15 years old
Thanks to Janus’ lawyer skills, getting Virgil’s mom thrown in jail and obtaining custody of Virgil was easy (when they asked Virgil if he wanted to live with them, he started crying because no one had ever made him feel as safe as Patton and Janus had)
The family got Virgil a therapist and continued to help him with his powers and everyone was content with their perfect little family
Until one day two years later Janus got intel that a local gang was transporting a dangerous weapon to a new location and him and Patton went to intercept the gang before they could
The bust went well but when they went to break down the door of the transport van, they were shocked to find not a weapon, but a seven year old kid chained up and giving off waves of electric energy
Patton flashed Janus the puppy dog eyes so of course they took the kid home with them. The kid was scared out of his mind but with some gentle coaxing from Patton, he told them his name was Roman, he was actually ten but he had been starved his whole life so he was quite small, and when he was five his mom, dad, and twin brother were killed and he was kidnapped to be used as an energy source
Janus and Patton already mentally signed the adoption papers in their heads at this point. And Virgil saw this scared child and saw his past self in him so of course Virgil immediately decided he would die for his new brother
They slowly worked to get Roman back to a physically healthy point and to open up about what happened to him while he was kidnapped, and it turned out that Roman was actually a very talkative, excitable kid when he was not fearing for his life
And each detail Roman gave about how he was beaten and locked away just cemented the fact that Janus and Patton were going to give this kid the childhood he deserved
Life had been going well. Virgil graduated high school and started both med-school and going out on patrol with his dads on occasion, and Roman thrived in school as one of the most popular kids
Of course that was not the end of the story because their lives have never been that simple
Fellow hero Mindmeld died in a building collapse and in his will, he asked someone to go to his apartment and get all his affairs in order
Janus decided he would and lawyers up to go over to the given address. And when he got there, he immediately freaked the fuck out because why was there a kid in the apartment?
Turned out Mindmeld had a four year old son named Logan whose mother died years ago and who was now an orphan with no other relatives. A four year old who also had his late father’s telekinetic abilities that made his toys fly around the air and attack Janus when he tried to pick Logan up
You get the picture by now, of course they adopted Logan
And at first Logan was super uncomfortable and closed off to these strangers and kept asking for his dad
But then one night he had a nightmare and when Patton and Janus came to help him, he sleepily called the duo Dad and Papa and they knew they were making progress
Roman and Virgil were both kind of jealous of Logan at first because to them it looked like he was the favourite of the family as the baby, but Logan was such a curious, sweet little kid that no one could really be mad at him for very long
So Patton and Janus had three kids. Three super powered, traumatized kids.
Except that number soon went up to four. One of the members of the gang that had kidnapped Roman- who was now twelve- confessed from prison that they had never actually killed Roman’s brother
Instead they had sold Remus across the country to a supervillain organization that dealt in trading superpowered kids. Apparently Remus had the ability to manipulate soundwaves
So the parents left Virgil in charge and hauled ass to this organization.
Through some potentially illegal interrogation techniques, they managed to find out which warehouse Remus had been kept in this whole time
They found Remus- who had been locked away in a soundproof cell alone for years- and Remus immediately freaked out and lashed out with his powers when they freed him
The sound wave he released knocked down the buildings around him and ended up temporarily deafening Janus and Patton
Remus started freaking out because he thought they were going to hurt him but both of them were only concerned with this poor, scared kid’s safety
Patton told Remus that they had Roman in safety and immediately Remus calmed down and started sobbing and begging to see his brother
They brought Remus home with them and as soon as the brothers saw each other, they were both hysterical. They refused to even let go of each other for a whole week
Remus took even longer then his brother to adjust. He outright avoided being around anyone in the family other then Roman
Finally Remus confessed that he felt horribly guilty about what he did to his new dads and that he was scared he’d hurt someone again
But then Virgil sat down with his new brother and talked to him about the first time he met Patton and how he hurt him too. He tells him about how he knows what it feels like to think that no one could ever love you unconditional, but assures that with Janus and Patton it’s possible. They all have a group hug afterwards, and Remus soon blossomed around his family
And that where the story ends off: a long, long way away from the silently suffering Janus from the beginning who kept to himself, because he thought that no one would ever love him for who he really was.
Because sometimes a family is
a nine year old kid genius who skipped two grades and is in the habit of recreating the Matilda scene for fun
two sixteen year old twin boys that are known citywide as Deceit’s former sidekicks turned solo heroes named Lightning and Thunder
a twenty-four year old nightmare bender who now mentors under Storyteller as the newest superhero healer
and two forty/forty-two year old retired heroes that love their kids and each other to the ends of the Earth and back
#may writes#sanders sides#thomas sanders#ts sides#janus sanders#patton sanders#virgil sanders#roman sanders#logan sanders#remus sanders#ts family#ts character thomas#character thomas#moceit
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THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / SEPTEMBER 28-29, 2019 // the bonny scot
posting this a day later than normal because this is one of the rare episodes that shows a passage of time from one day to the next yayy love that for them
-wonder what filming these beginning sexy scenes is like for them in real life
-sooooo can lucy see nancys sexy dream? is she judging? does this mean she likes nancy with owen or nick more? or is she trying to tell nancy that her sex dreams are irrelevant to the mystery at hand and she needs to focus?
-seeing people in the ✨prison chair✨: gomber, carson, karen (voting for josh s3 just saying)
-completely ignores carson's question about herself typical nance
-"or maybe i did stumble across a knife" its like hes trying to make the case against him look plausible while attempting to maintain innocence. this is a slippery slope for carson to try and encourage her to keep her pacified + hide the truth while also trying to keep her from getting involved bc hudsons
-"genetics gets you in the door" aaaaand then she walks in to everetts office to meet him and crashes their family dinner
-ok who tf is dawn and why is she in charge here
-this guidance counselor of nicks is my favorite person
-"i admire your allergy to pleasantries" bess and nancy both have reveals to big families but nancy does not have the graceful, accepting reveal to her rich family like bess does at this lunch. nancys reveal is messy, cold, bloodstained and sticky-fingered, not nice in any way whatsoever. and this little chat with everett (bit of a parallel to lucy's) just highlights how nancy is always bad at bargaining with her grandparents*- always trying to fight on their level but giving up her equal hand bc she doesnt know how to hide it when they bring up something she doesnt know. like confronting celia at the masque: she was so confident with her theory and what she knew, but then we got a "what does that mean?" like. the instant you say that, you lose. and she walked right into the "yes i do have someone, hes in jail" 🤦🏼♀️ even in the car with ryan at the end of s1, he literally just fucking leaves her there. like 🤷🏼♀️ what did u think was gonna happen sis?? for all she can predict how past things lead to present circumstances shes fucking awful at seeing the direct future *(grandparents except for patrice bc her dementia makes her inaccessable)
-lmaooooo this awko ass portrait...i get the empty space is for nance but who on earth thought this was a good pic??
-LISBETH 🥺💙
-"will u help the claw for me?" george struggles financially to keep her livelihood while nancy is somehow shown as being taken care of even when her parent is incarcerated; both nancy and george live in single parent homes now with mention of both medical debt and george being breadwinner yet nancy has no struggles while george does. (i wonder if ryan had been able to help george here how the story would have changed)
-"when it comes to following people around without their knowledge or consent i am somewhat of a repeat offender" 😂😂😂
-"he wasnt endgame after all" BESS lmaoooo
-"...okay." lmaoooo i fuckin love owen
-i was hoping the girls' faces would be more shocked like with a glance to owen but they just....werent
-"we're the good guys" <---- this statement is soooo interesting in terms of how they structure the show and how the characters see themselves (its an interesting contrast with the more definitive good vs evil with things that are both clearly good and clearly evil but theres also a lot of moral grey area here, the show is kinda swamped in it. are nancy and crew the good guys? are they the bad guys in someone else's story? concerns.)
-"i'd call it more than just stuff" like why did u concede that??? and then the shit about oof that didnt sound like a compliment lmaoooooo why does she suck at arguing?? she and owen wouldnt work long term bc theyre so similar (as mentioned later on)
-i LOVE george slowly falling in love with nick here- hence how upset she gets when nick bails on her for nancy later (which is totally justified!!!)
-i am LIVING for the little nod this driver guy gives bess when she turns back around all nervous 😂
-"i do like buying things" i would so say that too tbh
-"you'd have plenty to talk about" LMFAOOOOOOO SHE KNOWS "marvins dont marry drivers" so diana is totally fine with the gay its just the poor she has a problem with 😂💙fuckin love that
-love how nancy just casually ruins everything for nick/george lmaooo
-"i have seen you at your best, nancy, and there is nothing like it." 🥴😳 i love this still-in-love look nancy gives him thats so strong he had to change the subject
-so is haunting time 11 pm? from that clock of bashiir's?
-how do NO neighbors notice this fucking water and shit
-these are TOTALLY AWFUL fake screams from the bonny scot crew 😭
-"i know well enough not to get involved when he's in play" both carson and ryan avoid engaging with everett even though nancy is willing to do so armed with less info and more balls/ but "could i trust him" and ryan says yes lmaooooo NO honey + that makes ryan 0/2 for helping the girls when they ask this ep
-"find a project of your own" and he does, with his youth center 🙏🏻💙 what s2 foreshadowing!
-"god i wish i still drank" 😂😂😂
-"she is darling." 💙👌🏻
-okay wtf is mirror bay??
-i really wonder about the extent of celia x sebastians relationship here. did she truly care about him or was it just secret and exciting sex? also would love more hints of diana vs celia moments like these. celia doesnt even look upset. i mean shes had time to deal but like wtf. and who exactly is sebastian to diana? not her husband? like damn what if he was. somehow i doubt she'd talk about him diddling celia if diana was disrespected also
-i wonder if celia being so invested in dna testing nancy was bc everrett dna tested ryan to make sure he was his bc of sebastian / other men (which would be totally valid on his part!! but wouldnt it be funny as fuck if ryan wasnt his 😂)
-what a neat hiding place in this frame lmaooo who put that in for them tho? like how do u go about ordering that
-"you certainly are your fathers daughter" this quote is doubly ironic and foreshadowy bc theyre referencing carson here as being a useful hudson attaché but nancy is playing everett just like ryan played celia about putting his house up (but TRIPLY ironic bc carson pulls off the long con of hiding nancy from the hudsons right under their noses this whole time!) the one time nancy is successful against them
-that bess/lisbeth look while lisbeth does something badass (+diana reassessing now that lisbeth has been revealed to be useful)
-"almost as fun as a real fight" why do i believe him? lmaoooo a bit weird that he would enjoy a fight w a partner, but i also think this is an acknowledgement of nancy being an "opponent" who exists at his level. but i also love the "let me take you out" as a direct mirror of her relationship with nick, where she avoids the public acknowledgment/"going out" but prefers the more subtle/hidden arrangements of staying in. but as shown with later eps, owen is way more capable of meeting nancy where shes at, which is so important to her + the only way of getting close to nancy. (the only foil is ace who somehow is able to do both)
-"not always about a guy" <---- this could have been such a powerful statement if the show had thought having nancy end up alone/choose herself instead of pitting her between love interests (nick, owen, gil, even potentially ace, in only 2 seasons) was a more worthy stance to take ; as an aro/ace person i cant tell you how much i would kill to see just one female protag choose herself over a man. and its more realistic to end up alone than have a happy ending anyway, for all that these shows try to be as "real" and gritty grimdark as possible
-"is that what you want?" this is an interesting question to his mother- like maybe he senses her unhappiness? combined with his issues with his father- still trying to look out for his mom? either way it's sweet. (it could also potentially work as foreshadowing of something happening to her, but i think that was played with but then diverted when it was revealed who really killed her) "i think its time i steer this ship" still kind of patriarchal tho. i get that its him coming into his own as a dad technically but still. i also like how he calls her "mother" and not mom
-love that old white people thumbs up at george asking about his clams 👍🏻
-okay fuck dawn tho lmfaoooo
-"stressful dinner huh?" 😂 i fucking love lisbeth so much why didnt they bring her back (wouldnt it be Fucking Hilarious if they brought lisbeth back to bounce bess on her expired visa since the marvins kicked her out and didnt fix it lmaoooooo)
-BESS IS A TOP lmaooooooo i fuckin knew it
-nick says "you can pay me back" wonder if thats gonna come back in s3 considering their "marital problems" (also, those bonds are sosus lmfaoooo if any single person cashing those was looked at sideways they'd confess in 2 seconds that some random guy is handing out bearer bonds they dont even make anymore with absolutely zero proof as to how he got them)
-"you wanna finish what you started?" 👀 (dont mind if i do)
-"i need my dad back" parallels s2 when she asks him to come home
-parent politics: "you are taking your life in your hands / no, i'm putting it in yours" vs "i know well enough not to get involved when hes in play" both carson and ryan try to dissuade nancy from pursuing her pulling this con on everett but go about it different ways: carson is wildly concerned with nancys physical wellbeing but ryan appears to be leaning more towards weighing the odds for her/ like a "you cant win so cut your losses/dont try" scenario which interestingly might have more weight with nancy; its easy for her to brush aside carson's worrying like second nature but nancy has been established to be a determined winner, and ryan speaks to her here like shes a beginners luck prodigy at a blackjack table by encouraging her to keep her record clean by not dealing in this next round. of course she herself admits shes incapable of not dealing in ie "you know me better than that" but i have lots more thoughts on how effective ryans approaches to nancy can be sometimes (saving for the reveal ep 🙏🏻)
-wonder what all carson knows about the hudsons? + that look on his face when he hangs up... wonder if he was just lying to her about knowing anything or just ashamed at having to admit bad things hes done for them
-love nick & bashiir waiting together 🙏🏻💙+ nicks very strong and pointed "good night" as a means of ending his convo w nancy on his terms (gotta reinforce those boundaries man!)
and lastly
-celia + that gossip girl moment when she just throws the whole phone away 😂(wonder if she was just talking to "gus" or whoever that guy was. keep forgetting the bobbseys' dad is in prison too, wonder if he'll feature in s3)
#brooklyn's ND primer#nancy drew cw#the Great Rewatch of 2021#you best start believing in ghost stories miss drew - you're in one
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Damn right you should be embarrassed Selin! Walking out that door was the smartest thing you've done!
Thank god she finally knows the truth!
As much as it hurts him that she's in pain and furious with him, she's right.
He knew telling her the truth would lead to something like this. 😢😢
Go Eda, go after the man responsible for this mess!
*side note* Damn that is a 🔥🔥🥵🥵 jacket (I have a weakness for men in jackets) and the jeans 🥵🥵🥵🔥🔥🔥 Don't get me wrong I love the suits, but mmmm there is just something about a well fitting pair of jeans!
Damn straight he isn't responsible for his father's actions! Make him see that Aydan!
Ugh it hurts Serkan so much to see her in this much pain 😢😢😢
He doesn't deserve forgiveness Eda, don't try and ease Alptekin's guilt.
Ugh the thunder and rain as both their hearts break, perfection!
Yes girl time is exactly what Eda needs, she needs the support and love from them.❤❤
Lmao at Fifi being Ayfer's favorite and Melo being offended🤣🤣
Aydan speaking the truth, and being supportive of both Serkan and Eda 😭😭🥰🥰
Serkan is not pulling his punches with Alptekin and I am 100% here for it!
Yaaaas Serkan finally laying into Selin too!! OMG I literally gasped when he told her they are not friends! *standing ovation* It took him long enough but he finally said what needed to be said all along to her!
Of course Seyfi is on Eda's side, he's always been.
I love that despite all their issues Aydan and Ayder are friends, they're hilarious together and they're good for each other.
Melo still wanting Eda and Serkan together and believing in true love🥰🥰😭😭
The fact that Alptekin just gives up so easily and walks out the door proves he is not worthy of Aydan or Serkan!🤬🤬🤬🤬
The fact that Serkan sleeps on the opposite side, because Eda sleeps on the right side. 😭😭😭
Poor Serkan, a week long inside being depressed 😭😭😭
Random Selin haircare commercial 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Bless Leila's heart she's so loyal to Serkan, I love her!!!
WTF Selin? You don't want him to be happy while you're unhappy? Was he not fucking clear enough? He doesn't want you, he has never wanted you, and your behavior has made it impossible to even be friends.🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 You've now officially entered psycho ex territory.
Even Piril is wary of what you are saying!
If it didnt work with you it shouldn't work with Eda? Narcissistic bitch!Serkan and Eda are going to need file some restraining orders!
Seyfi and Aydan are all of us fans 🤣🤣🤣
Lmao Piril and Engin need some popcorn if they're going to watch the Eda/Serkan meeting.
Ugh the way he looks at her🥺🥺🥺🥺
The fact that he signs it without reading it because he trusts and loves her so!😭😭😭😭
Making him take off the ring that he hasn't taken off since the engagement😭😭😭😭😭 Very cruel Eda.
She's going to trust and like you even less Efe since you're setting her up for a meeting with her grandmother....🤬🤬🤬
I love Leila and Serkan's relationship!🥰🥰
Don't get any ideas Selin, they are only temporarily off their fingers!
Are you fucking kidding me Selin? Way to burn all your bridges and show your true colors🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
Lmao at Engin and Piril's reaction to Serkan signing Eda's contract without reading it!🤣🤣🤣🤣
Those rings are going to constantly be in his pocket🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭
Oh Serkan, don't worry your mom will do everything short of locking you two in a closet (because of Eda's claustrophobia) to make sure you end up together!
I'm curious as to what Eda's punishments for Serkan are😉😉😉😈😈😈
Damn Ferit's aunt just won some points for that take down of Selin
Seyfi and Melo spilling the tea! Give us more of them together!!😍😍😍
Serkan sweetie you are too obvious with your ploys!🤣🤣
Lmao Leila trying to be sneaky by putting the paperclip on the wrong side as a way to signal and talk to Serkan 🤣🤣🤣 007 she is not, but I love her!
"The whole situation is here now"🤣🤣🤣🤣 Their whole interaction is gold!
Lmao Engin no one ever wants Erdem 🤣🤣
I don't know how much more of Selin I can take!🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
Omg Serkan slipping her ring into her pocket 🥺🥺🥺🥺😍😍😍😍
The look on his face when he asks what happens if he intentionally violates the contract🥵🥵🥵🥵🔥🔥🔥🔥 That smirk *swoons*, he's already thinking of the best ways to tease her!
And Eda can tell because of that slight hitch in her breath
I knew he'd have to apologize to Erdem 🤣🤣🤣
Eda looking like she just got the world's best gift!🤣🤣🤣
Serkan's face, throughout this whole scene 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I almost woke my husband up laughing. I'm crying! His hand during the hug 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I love Eda's idea for the school desks ❤❤❤
And as always Serkan is in awe and impressed by Eda🥺🥺🥺🥺
Not so unaffected by him are you Eda?
Melo working for Engin🥰🥰🥰🥰 Yes let's get all of the pro EdSer people together!!
Selin deserves to be miserable🤬🤬🤬🤬
Whenever he scoops her up *swoon*🔥🔥🔥
Serkan always wants to take her to the doctor because he cares so much, and even Eda knows.
"You were always there for me. This time I'll be there for you."😭😭😭🥺th🥺🥺
I'm so glad Ayfer has Fifi to help her with the business stuff.
Ferit you messed up, not as bad as Selin but still pretty bad.
Eda needed to have that moment and I'm glad she did, hopefully it helps her heal.
Serkan desperately wanting to hold her while she cries, and Eda wanting him to hold her.
Oh Ayfer you don't know how much worse these women are than Aydan.
Oh Ferit, you are helping for the right reason, but also hoping that Ceren will hear about it.
Um Selin your job is literally to do PR, which is all about image!!
Lmao Leila saying she would definitely leave Erdem if he got fired and had no money.🤣🤣🤣
Fifi watching the video of Eda and Serkan and even she can't deny how much he loves her.
Eda finding the ring and smiling❤❤❤
Seyfi assuring Aydan that she has him at least🥰🥰
No Selin you won't do anything, big difference!
Ayfer is so happy to be cooking, doing something she loves!🥰🥰
Yaaass Sirius is there to see his Mama!!!
Ugh he just loves and cares about her so much😭😭😭😭
Go meet them in the park Eda! Do not let your 4 legged son down!!
Oh Efe you are going to be the next to face Eda's wrath!
Serkan always giving Eda rides, because he wants to make sure she is safe.
Fuck you Alptekin, as if we needed more reasons to hate you.🤬🤬🤬
Lmao Fifi and Ferit's interaction.
"There is nothing that I would not do for you,"😭😭😭😭😍😍😍😍🥺🥺🥺
Serkan is not sorry to see you go Efe and neither am I!
Serkan watching and being so proud of Eda during her speech, and giving him hope🥺🥺🥺
That look in the mirror🥰🥰🥰
The passing of the ring 🤣, this will continue until it's back on her finger, where it belongs!
At least Ferit knows he messed up.
Melo refusing to give in to Ayfer's hypnotism 🤣🤣🤣
You know Melo is right Ceren! Ferit messed up, and much like Serkan he is trying to make up for his mistakes!
Oh Eda don't write it now, Ayfer will show up and make a scene!!
You know he is right Eda! You shouldn't be so rithless.
So many Pride and Prejudice parallels with Serkan and Ferit doing it only for the women they love.
Aydan knowing Serkan can't say no to Eda🤣🤣🤣
Uh Eda you need to come up with the $$$ and fast!!🤣🤣
Seyfi you've been working for Aydan for so long that you still question her schemes?
Yaaas Serkan with the grand scheme!! You know you need to go to dinner with him!!
At least we know where Serkan gets his subtlety from 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Tell me Serkan is going to also buy this dress because it is only worthy of Eda!!
You will stumble and fall if Serkan looks you in the eyes?😍😍😍😍
Of course he'll be there to catch you, he always does😭😭😭😭😭
The fact that Piril thinks Selin is being ridiculous says something.
You don't think you deserve Eda's scorn Selin? Are you really that stupid?🙄🙄🤬🤬
Damn Fifi and Melo🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Engine's face when he sees Piril😍😍😍😍😍
Oooooo Ferit you know you're gone!
Serkan can't breathe watching Eda🔥🔥🔥😍😍😍😍😍
Seriously Selin? I'm so beyond done with this crazy woman!!🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
Do more stuff like this then Serkan, its good for you and everyone ekse.
Just drive her to the restaurant with you, that will guarantee that she is there with you!
I'm going to murder Selin because you know Eda wants to go!!🤬🤬🤬
Aydan showing no mercy to Alptekin! He deserves every inch of her scorn!🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
Nooooooo!!!! Of course she goes to the one Selin put in the envelope!!😭😭😭😭🤬🤬🤬🤬
They had better talk to one another about this misunderstanding!!!!
Call him!!! He would never stand you up Eda!!!!😢😢😢😢😢
Ugh my heart hurts for them!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Throw some water on Selin and see if she melts that witch!!
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just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !
im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical.
i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.
and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.
and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery
and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...
and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.
and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.
so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.
i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.
it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.
over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.
but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class.
and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other.
n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.
and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.
we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.
it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh).
he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else.
but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove.
for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.
but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.
i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around.
its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.
and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.
and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was.
it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.
but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL
it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.
and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.
and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.
but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.
and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.
and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.
its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.
and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.
but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.
#shut up mega#this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL#a summary of my 2020 i spose#also there's some kinda detailed talk of#suicide ment -#self harm ment -#IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO
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Waiting In Vain : Chapter 16
Bad Day.
Months had passed by. And the duo’s relationship had only went up from the beginning. Marley was surprised that she was not tired of Erik, there was never even a point where she wanted to be away from him. Of course they both had to live their separate lives , but being together was euphoric . Marley had never felt quite like this before , even with other man that she loved . This felt different.
Yes, she knew that it was love .
That’s what she told him, and even though he hadn’t said it back yet , she felt content . Marley couldnt hold how she felt about him in . She had to let him know she loved him one night , while there were laying on her couch . “We good , Marley” was all he said . He just held her tight until she fell sleep in his arms.
Erik showed her how much he cared for her every day. Flowers because it was Wednesday , foot massages when she was tired . Food whenever she was hungry and he even helped her find a new job . Marley was no longer faced with irritable complaints from consumers over the net . And no more slaving for the drunk men down at the bar with Becky.
Marley was now a proud employee at Steinway. Steinway was a global company . A trusted billion dollar business who created technology that controled security systems for some of the worlds most prestigious places . Mass museums, federal reserve, and most of all, protected government agencies .
Marley had a degree , but her major in Liberal arts she knew, would not get her in the door. Erik made her apply anyway .
“They might not even know they need you, always go for the job you think you won’t get” He encouraged her one night , while eating those famous tacos and watching Game of Thrones.
One resume, an exceptional cover letter written by Erik, and two interviews later...Marley was hired to assist the head of public relations. Her duty was only to serve the person who protected the brand of the company . Marley had been there for a while now, and was making a good amount of money.
It was her birthday on this day. She never made a big deal about it . Marley hadn’t had a party since her mom died . So to her , it was just another day . Most people in her life didn’t know when it was, just the few who were close to her . Becky knew and called her early in the morning with a long drawn out version of the birthday song . In the past , Tiana and her aunt didn’t even acknowledge her birthday. Trey would always buy her something expensive, but nothing memorable or noteworthy.
Erik knew that it was her birthday. Of course he was away for work, or whatever he did . Erik admitted... or hinted that his job wasn’t exactly what he told her before . She didn’t press him, but at times she questioned if what he did was legal . The gun was still in his dresser . “It’s not necessarily illegal” he’d toy with her mind whenever she asked him . She was no stranger to crime, seeing as Trey was the poster child for that . But he wasn’t as secretive as Erik . Nor was he as well paid .
Marley hadn’t talked to him all day . After numerous attempts at calling him, she figured he was busy . Until it came to the end of her work day . Her stress level was through the roof , constantly staring at her cellphone. Hoping that the next notification would be from Erik. That’s all she wanted . No party, no gifts , just Him.
Marley had received a birthday card signed by most of the employees . She knew it probably was company policy, but she was thankful . Marley had been there a little under two months , so most people didn’t know her well . To who she assumed was the head of the employee committee, walked by and wished her happy birthday . Marley had just finished typing the notes from the meetings her boss had. It was almost five , and she was off at four thirty .
The days leading up to her birthday were always filled with anxiety . She knew she would cry , she cried on her birthday every year . From loneliness, feeling like she was aging and yet so far behind in life . Most of all, she cried because it was another year without her mom. All day she had been fighting back her tears with fake thoughts of being happy . It was working, for now but she knew that eventually she would break . Becky begged Marley to come to the bar around seven that night . Before the sports crowd packed the bar . Becky wanted to give her gift before her work shift . Marley figured she’d eat fatty bar food and take a few shot alone. Or with some of her old co-workers. Ones who actually knew her and would be semi-genuine .
Since she was leaving later than usual, she was in a rush . The Steinway building was half an hour from her apartment . With traffic she would get home around six, that didn’t give her much time to get ready . Marley logged out of her work computer , gathered her belongings and rushed the halls to the elevator. She dashed through lobby to get to her car . Her phone buzzed in her hand , excitedly she glanced at it , praying that it was Erik . Marley didn’t even see the burly white guy walking towards her . She ran right into him and almost fell to the ground . He seemed to be in a rush much like her . All Marley could see was the back of his red slick hair and the flag of the Netherlands on his arm. Marley knew that because her old college roommate was from the Netherlands and had a flag on her side of the wall .
“Excuse you, fucking jackass!” Marley shouted . The rude guy was already outside of the building. Being the only black women in the lobby, everyone’s eyes were drawn to her already . Even more now since she shouted. She wanted badly to yell at them too for not addressing the man who almost knocked her down .
But , it was her birthday. She had some place to be.
She made it to her car , but she was still boiling with anger . Especially after she gave calling Erik one more shot . He didn’t pick up. “Fuck it!” She screamed , then punched her steering wheel . It honked abruptly, scaring an old woman who was walking by. A groan escaped her lips and she rested her head on the seat . She took a breath, the lump in her throat wanted for her to cry badly . Her lip trembled . Marley missed her mom right now , more than ever . She would make it better . Probably go fight the man who knocked her baby down. Marley laughed at the thought of it . Of those people thought Marley’s outburst was bad , they probably couldn’t have handled her moms .
Marley got herself home, late but it was nothing she could do about it now . She got ready to go to the bar , nothing special but she was cute enough. Her phone buzzed when she walked out of the door . It was nothing but a message from Team Snapchat , probably wishing her happy birthday . She giggled a little because that happened every year . Marley didnt bother to call Erik again, him not answering would only make her more upset.
She made it to the bar . A few cars were parked in the lot. The lights werent on. The windows were tinted but there was a small window space at the top of the building where light would shine through . Which wasn’t odd . Marley had worked shifts when the bar opened late . It was a family owned business and sometimes they were unprofessional and opened when they wanted to . Customers still came though . Marley would even get paid under the table some weeks , so they could avoid tax issues and healthcare costs .
She yanked on the door. It wouldnt budge , it was locked . She knocked on the door hard and announced that it was her.
“I’m coming!”
Becky’s voice rang through the closed door . Marley could hear the tampering of the lock . Becky opened the door wide , exposing the few co-workers who were waiting for Marley to come inside.
“Surprise!” They all shouted at the same time. She couldn’t believe it. A party, for her? She was important enough for them to go out of their way and do this. Becky walked towards her , holding a small chocolate cake with lit candles .
“Chocolate, my favorite, thanks guys!” Marley Jared chocolate cake, but she wouldnt tell them that . Everyone looked so pleased .
“Please don’t cry” Becky playfully rolled her eyes at her friend . Who seemed to be getting emotional
“It’s just-“ Marley began to speak, but got choked up . Her voice shook . She didn’t want to cry in front of everybody, so she quickly sucked it up with a deep breath. Becky couldnt help but laugh . She took her into her arms and hugged her . “I just hate my birthday, that’s all”
Not being able to cry was killing her . She looked around at everyone , overwhelmed at everything . Surrounded by people, she still felt alone . Nobody who loved her was there . Yes , these people cared but not in the way Marley needed .
“Do you want us to stop this ?” One of the other co-workers asked . He could tell by the look on her face that something was off. Marley shook her head quickly
“No, I’m thankful for everything” Marley put forth effort to place a smile on her face.
Marley took the time to hug everyone and thank them individually. They all started off with a shot of dark and they sang the birthday song to her . Which was always awkward. Then Becky did her renditioned version of the birthday song , where she twerked across the bar to brighten the mood .
Marley made a wish in her head, something she thought was so silly . When she was a teen she always wished that her mom would magically come back from the dead . Now that she was older , she knew it was impossible . But she still made that same wish . Then she wondered , if she could do two . There were no actually birthday rules because all of it is fake... right? She thought about something that would make her happy . Erik. He was real . And she wished that he would remain that way . Marley blew out the candles and they cheered .
“I’m sorry he’s not here” it was as if Becky could read her mind “And I had no way to tell him , I figured he would be with you” Marley ignored her. She gave Marley a small gift box , with a bow on top . It was from her . She opened it right away .
“No you didn’t” she said quietly. It was a pair of AirPods . She had just told Becky that she wanted a pair but didn’t want to spend the money on them. The fact that she was such an attentive friend really meant a lot to Marley . She could not stop hugging her .
“Tonight is not about him, it’s your birthday” Becky didn’t want the absence of Erik to ruin her special day.
“What if he’s dead?” Now Marley was being dramatic . Becky raised her eyebrows, she figured Erik couldn’t make it because of work stuff . Not anything this serious . “I haven’t heard from him all day”
“Doubt that” Becky casually handed Marley an envelope with a card inside . She figured it was a card from the bar staff.
“But still, this is not like him” she managed to rip it open while holding eye contact .
“He’ll call “
Marley pulled the card out if it’s envelope. Shockingly it was from Trey . She looked at Becky who was purposely avoiding eye contact . A few twenty dollar bills slipped from the inside before she caught them in her hand. They had not spoken since that last week of her living in the hotel . And when she found out about his child , she was completely done . “Trey came by before you got here, he wanted to catch you but I told him it wasn’t a good idea” Becky aligned a few shot glasses on the bar and filled them with Tequila . That always got Marley drunk , and her plan was to get her friend wasted .
Happy birthday beautiful
I miss you , call me.
He had hand written those simple words in the card. Along with some passage about how important the birthday person was. Marley skimmed through it, then slipped the twenties in her purse and put the card in the trash .
“No thank you” Marley spoke just how she would if Trey was actually standing there .
It took Becky pouring six shots to get Marley to finally stop checking her phone . And then seven shots to make her start talking about Erik. He always left the toilet seat up and in the middle of the night she would fall in. No matter how many times she told him not to, he would always forget . He always thought he was right , and could never admit that he had gotten something wrong . Marley was not the type of person who yearned for the last word . And it didn’t kill her if she didn’t get her point across. Not even knowing that it was what made them a match . He snored loudly when he slept, so if Marley didn’t fall first ... there would be no sleep . Then when he woke up , he never ate breakfast. Which freaked Marley out because she couldn’t function without breakfast each morning . Marley started to drag on about how much he worked out and perfected over his body . But at the same token, he’d scarf down a whole family sized meal of carbs . She was about to rant about his messy home but Becky stopped her . Even Becky couldn’t help but think about how Marley felt when she talked about her husband .
Becky had listened for long enough , the bar was now open to the public and she had to work . “Sounds to me like you guys have no real problems” she slapped the bar counter twice , Marleys head flew back .
“What!” She slurred, then swayed to the sound of Sicko Mode playing from the bars speakers . Drunk was exactly what she was now.
“Don’t sweat the small stuff , Erik is all you have... besides me of course”
Marley pondered on that statement for a while . She seemed to get lost into the view of her feet for a long time . The floor was spinning, she held on to the bar stool so she wouldn’t fall . She blinked a few times to try and sober up , it didn’t work well enough. Then , she got back to thinking about what Becky said . How Erik was all she had . Marley looked up to ask her what she meant by it, but Becky had walked away . Marley figured she had been out of it for a while . She was uncomfortably drunk , and really needed to go home .
Everyone was back working , and she didn’t have the strength or good balance to say thank you to everyone again . Maybe she’d send out a mass text in the morning, or maybe she wouldn’t. Marley just needed to leave. She snuck out of the bar . Becky would have stopped her from leaving if she saw her . Refusing to allow her to drive home drunk. Marley just knew that if she drove really slow, she’d make it .
So she sat in her car , took a deep breath and started the ignition . Thanking god that she lived close enough . Even though she knew god was not happy about what she was doing . Marley pulled out of her parking space slowly and made her way on to the street . She was doing great at pretending to be sober . Until she couldn’t , swerving in other lanes and unnecessarily pumping her breaks with caution. Tonight would have been a great night for the police to pull her over and actually do their job. They were probably harassing innocent people Marley thought, Insted of handling true crimes ... like the one Marley was committing in this moment .
She made it home safely , by nothing but pure luck . Her car was crooked , and slightly crossing the line of her neighbors spot . Marley would deal with it in the morning. Her apartment light was on. Since she was intoxicated , she didn’t see this as cautionary. Struggling with getting the key in the door, she managed to let herself in . It wasn’t until after she closed the door and began walking towards her room , that she seen Erik sitting on her couch . He stood up , holding a bouquet of flowers . Marley stepped back with her mouth wide open.
“Happy birthday baby” he smiled and walked towards her . She wanted to speak . She wanted to yell at him for not being there all day . She wanted to ask him how he had gotten inside of her apartment. But as soon as she felt his strong arms wrap around her ... she finally let out the cry that she had been holding in all day . Marley’s tears seeped into the arm of his shirt . He let her cry . “You had a bad day?” He asked her calmly. He felt Marleys head nod . The hand that was flower free rubbed against her back . He was trying his best to calm her down.
“I hate my birthday” her voice cracked , tugging on Erik’s soft side .
“I got you , and I’m gonna take care of you”
He pushed away from her , allowing the space between them . He kissed her forehead twice , then took a chance on her lips . “Wanna talk about it?”
Marley drew away from him and walked to the kitchen for a paper towel . She released with a deep sigh and giggled shortly.
“Nah” she wiped hers tear stained face then tossed it in the trash . Erik told her that he lost his phone this morning , and couldn’t find time to get another one today .
“How did you get in here?” They settled down on the couch. Close enough for Marley’s left thigh to wrap around his lap . She faced him .
“I’m from the projects . Breaking in to shit is like a right of passage” he admitted, nonchalantly he massaged her thigh.
“You broke in my house” she stated what was obvious, there was no reason for her to be upset . She knew Erik to be a man that did whatever he wanted to do.
“Ain’t nothing I can’t get into” he observed her for a second , she rested her head against the couch . Her eyes fidgety and unable to focus on one thing . “You drove home drunk like this ?” He asked , seemingly worried about her .
“I see you do it all the time” her fingers toyed with his dreads . He was so cute to her when he got serious. He was cute to her when he did anything honestly.
“Yeah but you ain’t me”
“The hypocrisy!” She shouted in dramatic form.
“So you using big the words tonight”
“Hypocrisy is not a big word, you’re just from the projects” Marley braced herself for his rebuttal, she knew he would have a comeback to match her witt.
“Don’t forget who helped you write that letter to get you that job. A nigga from the projects”
“You right , daddy” she gave in, even though they were only joking .
“I know I’m fucking right”
Marley rubbed her thumbs against his cheeks and moved in closer to him . “Just a minute ago , I was crying my eyes out” she mumbled , so close to his lips that he could feel her words . She kissed him , sweet and soft . “Make sure I never cry on my birthday again”
“That’s a lot of pressure” Erik told her .
“Can you handle it?” She toyed with him but Marley was being completely serious.
“I can handle you”
Erik yawned , and like clockwork Marley yawned too . It was contagious. Somehow his position changed to him laying completely on his back . Marley beside him still, one leg wrapped around his waist . They liked it that way . No matter where they were , they always came back here . Erik thought Marley had eventually fallen asleep, on account of her hard breathing . Until she spoke again.
“All you got me was flowers?” She thought back to when she first cake in. Marley eyed the beautiful bouquet on her coffee table . He busted out laughing , so hard that Marley had to laugh too .
“I was waiting for that question”
“So answer it then”
“I got you shoes”
“Where they at?” She pouted like a bratty child . Erik kissed his teeth .
“Where the birthday sex at?” He asked , as if she owed him and it was his birthday.
“I’m too tired , how about birthday morning sex?”
“I’ll give you your shoes after that” he rubbed her butt gently , in hopes to turn her on . It just made her more comfortable with the idea of sleep .
“I’m not a prostitute” she yawned again .
“You’re my prostitute”
“You know I am” she boasted proudly .
“The best one I got” he yawned too .
“The thickest one too”
“You such a bad bitch”
“Good night Erik , I love you”
#im still here#sorry this wasnt a good comeback#erik killmonger fanfiction#erik killmonger fanfic#erik killmonger imagine
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the truth hurts but secrets kill | shawn mendes
chapter 8/?, university au, shawn x goth oc
AN: lol the taglist didnt work on my last chapter so if you havent read but i’ll show you my teeth pls do eet. anyways this chapter is an angsty buildup full of angst. my specialty.
***let me know if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist
masterlist | playlist coming soon
"Where do you live?" Annalise asked for what felt like the thousandth time.
"Do you even think she's capable of answering?" Patrick said, his arm supporting Alessia's waist as he helped her stumble down the university road.
The Lyft to campus went without any major issue. Alessia did not puke in the car, she merely leaned against the door in the backseat. Annalise had gotten annoyingly chatty with the driver, talking about childhood trauma and the inevitability of death. She claimed it was practice for when she's a real therapist, though the driver was trying to focus on the road. Patrick left the driver a generous tip through the app.
The three of them were left just close enough to the dorms, but there was still a walk to be had, and it felt like it was taking centuries with how much Alessia slowed them down. Annalise kept looking around at the dark surroundings as they paced with her pocket knife in hand. Alessia mumbled something incoherent, her head lolling from side to side.
"I've never heard of that building, where is it?" Annalise asked her.
"Dude, you're gonna have to take her back to your place," Patrick told her. "I don't even think she knows her own name."
With a reluctant sigh, Annalise closed her pocket knife and wrapped her arm around the smaller girl's waist. They were approaching the corner where she and Patrick would typically part ways. Alessia noticed the shift and leaned all her weight into Annalise, mumbling under her rancid breath. It wasn't her first time babysitting a drunk toddler, but that doesn't mean she likes doing it.
Patrick was kind enough to walk the two girls up to Annalise's dorm. Alessia was swaying ominously in the elevator, like she wanted to be cradled like a baby. She was definitely ready for bed.
"Ya casi, mi vida," Annalise said as they stumbled down the third floor corridor.
"Why do you call her that?" Patrick asked. "’Me veeda.’ Isn't that what you would call your boyfriend?"
"It's the same thing as a waitress would call you sweetie or something," she replied. "Or the way you'd talk to a toddler. A drunk one."
She managed to pull her key from her back pocket and give it to Patrick. He unlocked the appropriate door, and the three of them were met with more people and more loud music.
Apparently, Stella hadn't planned on staying alone this Saturday night. She was on the armchair, with Camila squished in right next to her. They weren't alone, either. Shawn and Brian were on the couch, each holding a beer. All four of them stared at the two goths holding the short normie up on two feet.
"Oh my god, you're right on time!" Stella exclaimed. "Shawn's working on an EP! He's giving a us a preview! And he made another duet with Camila!"
"Este guey se puso peda," Annalise said with mild snark, gesturing to the girl on her arm. "I'm gonna put her down."
"You're gonna kill her?" Patrick asked, his blue eyes wide. "Damn, I didn't know you hated her that much!"
"Shut up, I brought her here, didn't I?"
She did not look at the guests on the couch as she carefully led Alessia to her bedroom. She ignored Patrick starting up a conversation with everyone. She had things to do, and it was hard enough with her fluffy mind racing.
"There we go, my dear," she said as she sat the intoxicated girl on the bed. "Acuestate, mija. Tomorrow's gonna suck, but you can rest now."
She patted Alessia's head before moving to take off her sneakers. Then, Annalise took her phone from her jacket pocket and plugged it into the charger on then nightstand. Before she could sigh in relief that they all made it back alive, she heard a voice at the door.
"Hey, you."
When Annalise turned to face him, it was like a million fireworks went off at once. Her entire body froze in the best way, and the air in her lungs was knocked out of her. He's even prettier in person.
"Someone have too much fun?" he asked, nodding towards the now sleeping Alessia.
Annalise could not tear her eyes away from his face long enough to think of an answer. All she wanted to do was stare at him for the rest of eternity.
Then, Patrick came up from behind Shawn, an amused grin on his face. "Bro, she's high as a kite right now."
Shawn looked confused for a moment and then turned to him. "Ann doesn't smoke."
"She used to all the fucking time last year." Patrick was still grinning. "She wanted to have fun tonight, so I gave her a hit of my pen."
"So you drugged her up, eh?"
"Bro-"
"I'm not your bro. Don't you care about her health at all? Don't you remember she was in the hospital a couple of months ago?"
The grin faded. "I care about her and her freedom. Not that I have to explain that to you." Patrick excused himself.
Annalise heard every word, but her wide eyes were still on Shawn. She was stepping towards him before she even realized, and then her arms were going around his middle. He was still warm and soft and he smelled good. It was like personified crack. Annalise smiled as her head rested on his chest. "I love you, my baby."
Shawn hesitated, but he hugged her back. "Love you too." Then he pulled back, his hands on her shoulders. "Where are you gonna sleep?"
"The couch." Annalise's fingers were gripping the back of his t-shirt.
"You sure? Wouldn't you rather come stay with me? I'm leaving soon anyway."
Annalise giggled so much her voice squeaked. But she frowned almost instantly. "Don't be like Chad."
"Who's Chad?"
"No one important. I think sober Annalise is gonna be mad at you."
"What? Why?"
She pointed to the sleeping girl on the bed. "That one told high Annalise some things. Sober Annalise might not even remember, but if she does, she'll probably talk to you on check in day. Like, actual talking this time."
"Why can't we talk now?" Shawn asked. "I think high-you will be more understanding than sober-you."
"High Annalise is stupidly in love with you. We'll get nowhere, my dear."
He chewed the inside of his cheek as he gazed down at her. "Yeah, you always call me cute names when you're on drugs. Like that time in the hospital. And all those times you got high with me. Oh wait…" he trailed off. "Every time I asked you to smoke with me you said you didn't trust me enough. But tonight you trusted somebody else, eh?"
She giggled. "I knew you'd be mad at me too. We have much to talk about, baby boy."
~
In theory, the reason for Alessia's disappearance the following morning would be that she remembered the tea she spilled upon waking up and now she wanted to avoid the wrath of the goth girlfriend. In reality, she wouldn't be entirely wrong.
Even after sleeping for twelve hours, Annalise couldn't get those bits of forbidden information out of her head. She had dreams about catching Shawn and Alessia having really loud sex, but she woke up to hear her roommate doing exactly that. Then, she had a recurring dream of Shawn admitting to cheating on her, except this time he had twelve versions of Henry the orange tabby surrounding him. The last dream she remembered having was one where she ended up back in the hospital, and that she was given no anesthesia for her surgery. She had her stomach removed, and she watched every drop of blood and guts come out of the gaping hole in her body.
She woke with a start after every one of these vivid dreams. Maybe it was the after effects of being stoned, but she felt uneasy for that whole day. She typically binged to her heart's content, but the hospital dream was still on her mind. She allowed herself to have a Lunchables, but not much else.
Then, Monday rolled around and Annalise found it difficult to act like a person. She got out of bed, had an unsatisfying breakfast. She did it, and that's the only thing that matters right? Screw all the other feelings. The paranoia she felt after the Abnormal Psych lecture about eating disorders doesn't matter. The impending embarrassing discomfort from sitting alone at a table in Bio Lab doesn't matter either. Who cares about the sad ache in her chest after seeing Shawn and Alessia leave their class together? Who cares if they're still in high spirits even though they knew that Annalise knew? Who cares?
Annalise doesn't, that's for damn sure. She was perfectly fine. She pushed herself out of bed today even though she wanted nothing more than to induce a coma on herself. Who cares if she still felt shitty after?
Although, she was putting off the impending chat with Shawn until check in on Saturday. He had to know it was coming, why else would he just stop texting her?
Unless he's already with Alessia, and therefore playing me like a violin. Maybe Shawn was just ignoring me to make me go crazy.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Annalise whispered as she put on her headphones. She was glad she caught herself slipping, she didn't want the wide-eyed crazies on display as she walked out of the Social Studies building.
Her steps were slower and more careful as she picked a song to play from her phone. After settling for Halsey, she pulled out her black, round sunglasses and put them on. Gotta hide them nightmare eyes.
Maybe… perhaps… I need to check in earlier than normal?
"Don't be stupid," she told herself.
It wouldn't hurt though, would it? Maybe he would be happy to see me since I would be breaking my own rule. Unless, of course, he's hanging around Alessia again. Perhaps he doesn't care anymore.
The only solution Annalise had was to dump herself on the couch in the dorm and play Tetris 99 until the thoughts and feelings sorted themselves out.
When Stella came home, she knew the drill. She sat on the couch and ranted about her day. She rambled on about her fascist history professor and the lack of a GSA club on campus. Then, she mentioned a Halloween party coming up at one of the frat houses, and that she needed a hot costume.
It was the month where Annalise and all her spooky darkness was socially acceptable, and she couldn't even be excited about it. A different type of darkness was taking over, and it was stupid that it was over a boy. Why did she have to be so dramatic? Why was she so goddamn crazy?
"I'll pick your costume," she said over Stella's rambling.
She paused, her brilliant hazel eyes wide. To say she was surprised that Annalise cracked so fast would be an understatement. But she smiled. "Would you? Ooo, can I pick yours?"
"Ah, I don't think I'm gonna do anything for Halloween this year."
"What? But it's your favorite holiday! You need to come to this party with me! Buddy system, remember?"
"Is that the only reason-"
"Of course not, you dummy! We haven't spent enough time together since the semester started! Let's go find some costumes, yeah? I'll even let you dress me up as scary as you want!"
Stella's a good friend. Annalise should really try harder to spend time with her. Why didn't she try to be a good friend in return?
They went to the local costume store that Friday. It gave Annalise a wonderful excuse to not go to the gaming club meeting. She really did not want to reflect on the Bart adventure, or see just how bad she fucked up Chad's nose.
After returning to campus with a dark but still cute witch costume, Stella was summoned to Camila's dorm. She thanked Annalise for the lovely costume choice and practically abandoned her. Annalise couldn't find it in her to really care. It was only a few more hours until Saturday.
She had barely settled herself on the couch when her phone buzzed. For the first time this week, Shawn had texted her. Annalise held her phone up, staring blankly at the screen. Her heart should be pounding right now, shouldn't it?
"Hey, I know check in is tomorrow but I can't make it at our usual time. I have a gig tomorrow night. You should come and we can talk after."
The next text was the address to the lounge he would be performing at.
Any other time, Annalise would have been happy to know Shawn was performing again. But he cancelled on her, knowing that he was in trouble. Is that what it took for him to start booking shows again? Was this just an elaborate way to avoid Annalise? Perhaps this was just some form of reverse psychology so she wouldn't go to the gig.
You can't psych out a psychology major. Of course Annalise was going to this gig.
However, she had a mostly sleepless night, really unable to shake the fact that Shawn was probably avoiding her. When she finally did sleep, she slept too much. Annalise woke up in the afternoon and was late for work. She had planned to ask if she could leave early, but she didn't dare try anything now. The gig was at eight, when her shift ended. She ended up going to the lounge in her work uniform, a button up with the dealership name on, and baggy slacks. Not exactly the sexy outfit she had planned during the late hours of insomnia.
The show had already started by the time she got there. As she was showing her ID to the bouncer, she heard Shawn's voice over the mic, and she felt something for the first time in days. Her stomach felt tight as she slowly stepped into the lounge.
The turnout was decent. Every single table and bar stool was occupied, and all eyes were on the band performing on the stage. Annalise looked around for any empty space; She wasn't dressed her best but she did want to be anywhere but against the wall opposite the stage. Her eyes spotted the group of people standing directly in front of the stage.
It was the normal group of girls who swooned every time Shawn blinked, but there were also three other girls that Annalise knew all too well. They were jumping and singing along to Lost in Japan, not a single care in the world. Annalise wondered why Stella didn't tell her that she was going to this event, but the way she looked at Camila as they sang to each other said enough. Maybe they chose Alessia to be their new third wheel too. So Alessia was too embarrassed to face Annalise, but not Shawn?
Annalise always stood in the back of every one of Shawn's shows, knowing she would stick out like a sore thumb in the midst of the usual fangirls. Not that that's a bad thing, it just wasn't her usual place to be. She figured that showing up at all would be enough.
Perhaps Shawn already had enough. Three of his friends were already cheering him on, and surely he had more of them scattered in the audience. Not to mention, the people here that didn't know him were going to adore him by the end of the night. Besides, Shawn most likely invited her as a ploy to get her to turn it down. She wasn't needed here. Annalise chewed the inside of her lip as she back up towards the exit. She stepped outside, away from the people trying to get in, and she pulled her phone out. She composed a new text:
"Hey, I'm drowning in work so I won't make it to your show. I'll meet you at your place later so we can talk🖤"
_______
taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @poppyshawn @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @ruinhoney @someoneunimportantxx @calyumthomas @yourdeflightfullyleft @havethetimeeofyourlifee @shawmndes @wronglanemendes @chillingbythesea
#shawn mendes#shawn mendes fanfic#shawn mendes imagine#shawn mendes blurb#shawn mendes smut#shawn x goth gf#yaint ready for the next chapter lol#im not even ready#it was so draining to write omg
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i am very excited for refactoring!! i already love the characters. can you tell us more about the main cast? like personality and interests and stuff.
AW YES IM SO GLAD THAT YOURE EXCITED!! i got this ask this morning and it seriously made me want to stay home from school and just infodump. im putting this under a cut since it will probably get a bit long i just kind of wrote down some fun tidbits and etc
mavis
absolute jock-passing nerd. she dresses like she Does Sport even though she did like quiz bowl and whatnot instead.
shes quite chill and thoughtful (its the taurus rising) but gets easily bored and needs constantly new forms of stimulation to stay motivated. she loves a challenge and basically feeds off of that kind of stuff. this really only cancelled out when its something deeply stressful (like being teleported to an entirely new dimension and all that). she CAN settle down into one spot and feel comfortable with that so long as she isnt BORED because GOD FORBID SHES BORED.
mavis likes science but especially astronomy, and despite everything shes actually really into horror movies and the paranormal too. a definite Halloween Enthusiast and also listens to lemon demon dare i say.
whenever shes stressed or frustrated or anxious her knee jerk instinct is to try and joke about it and move on. she isnt really direct about how she feels and whatnot and when she IS its usually via punchline.
silas
silas is probably one of the easiest people to read in the cast. its basically impossible for him to lie or say that hes doing well if he isnt. hes a very honest person and expects that kind of honesty from others also, and it becomes really frustrating for him when people arent direct about how they feel
BECAUUUUSEEEE hes also very empathetic. both of the hao siblings are but he goes about it in a very different way than catriona. hes much more like “I have to know everything about why you are upset or else ill die” because if he sees someone sad and doesnt know why it basically eats him up inside until he knows.
hes also a bit of a jokester not about his feelings or anything but just in general! rather than using it as a defense he just really enjoys making people laugh. silas is very sociable.
sometimes he can be a bit of a try hard.... he is really doing his best and i love him. him and lea and mavis all share a need to establish themselves as something greater than they are and his mainly stems from Youngest Sibling Syndrome with a side of boredom with his own life too. mavis and silas really bond over that but silas didnt really take on any escapist tendencies like mavis did. he pushes himself to take action and try many things and considers many paths.
catriona
she has a teddy bear in her room that she hides in a reading cubby because its still important but she feels that her image as Mature and Put Together matters too much to really share that soft side with others. and i think that basically sums her up as a character.
really just needs some fuckin sleep. she is fueled by various caffeinated beverages (her favorites being an overly elaborate coffee order and arizona green tea). shes articulate, but because shes usually running on 4 or 5 hours of sleep she can sometimes miss small details or starts talking faster than her own thoughts+stumbling over her own words.
shes a bit suspicious of other people because shes had her trust tested a lot. catriona is very like kind and warm still though its just that like... you know. if you wrong her its very hard to win her back and she likely wont trust you with anything again.
shes also much more of a “fix it” kind of person when it comes to problems. she will absolutely provide a shoulder to cry on when you need it but at the end of the day she provides very practical support by trying to provide options. she takes the same approach with her own feelings too.
kirabo
basically like “*softly* dont”. they are very cautious and dont take a lot of risks unless theyre absolutely sure that it will work out and there will be a benefit. however, theyre still optimistic and theyre always able to see the best in other people and in any situation. not really in that toxic kind of positivity way... but as in like they are able to appreciate the small things and whatnot
^ that world view is basically why they are so into botany. its very precise but its something small that you can really appreciate and see your own success in little by little. they also like arts and crafts.
they are incredibly diplomatic despite their initial virgo stubbornness. theyre really open to other perspectives and theyre very patient/understanding. kirabo and catriona are basically opposites in this respect and so they balance eachother out a lot here.... they are like bestest buds.
they are very big on like Emotionally Productive Self Care. kirabo WILL put on a face mask and will be like “dont @ me i am chillin”. and they will be like “enough is enough i am going to knit a fucking scarf a second”. they just have a lot of little hobbies to keep them busy like that because they are super fidgety. anxious energy... the mercury-ism
minka
absolutely hates being underestimated in any capacity. minka is fully aware of her intelligence and capabilities and expresses no qualms with it whatsoever. alot of her insecurity ends up lying in her social life and etc. shes just been through a lot and really just wants to share her passions with other people.
really likes to decorate and APPEARS messy but is super organized. she has that sort of “chaotic order” thing going on where she can locate something even if its under a huge pile of random stuff. she has lots of stickers and lots of color-coding methods too.
will do the “are we there yet” thing and the “why? why? why?” thing. mostly out of curiosity to see how far she can go. she is always so curious about how far she can go with everything. so once she finds company she basically never wants to be alone. shes very talkative and inquisitive.
a baby bi.... she is still figuring it out a little though
lea
a little >:3c and i like love that for her. she has a lot of charisma and energy and those are things that she really NEEDS TO HAVE with being a video game streamer and all but deep down shes just really mischievous and playful too.
i consider her a vriska by technicality. she has a lot of issues revolving around her identity and how people perceive her because so much of the time she deals with people projecting an idea of what shes like onto her. so alot of her thing is allowing herself to just be rather than feeling like she needs to put on a show.
^ shes actually probably one of the hardest people to read in the cast because of that. its not that shes not being herself... its just that she feels like she needs to be a pretty altered version of herself. the neptune in 1st struggle. she also kind of tends to have one foot out the door on everything but it makes her very adaptable. pretty much opposite to mavis in that its hard for her to settle down in any sense.
has a scorpio mercury but a libra venus so basically like “good luck my deep lovecore affections for you will be hidden behind several proxies”. also it just makes it to where she comes off very Intense at first as is the scorpio placement way. but really its fucking great and i love her.
trinity
well theyre a scorpio sun AND a scorpio moon aka theyre like “i will know everything about you but you will never know anything about me ever” and also theyre like *rebirth* *rebirth* *rebirth*
despite what the emotional constipation and capricorn rising may tell you they are seriously A Lot. they make very quick decisions based on any instantaneous assumptions that they have so deep down theyre just very emotional and impulsive. AND intuitive which is partially because they are analytical of others but all around theyre mostly guided by like Vibez.
their precognition is kind of like if you randomly started having dreams during the day and only saw them through your left eye. so more than anything they get kind of like... weird deja vu when they talk to people or go to places that theyve seen in their visions.
really they are just like. okay in theory by first impression they would be a vriska but in actuality they are a rose lalonde because like. come on. theres a certain self-aware yet chaotic and dramatic and repressed je ne sais quoi here
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so recently one of my friends almost got upset with me and gently accused me because i never talk to anyone when i go through a rough patch with myself, i just up and disappear for a few days and almost basically go off the grid.
he brought it up from a viewpoint of concern and everything so im not upset that he did at all, but what i told him is i physically dont have the capability to contact anyone at all when im in that kind of mentality. and he advised me that i need to snap out of that habit and at least text to prevent concern from rising and stuff. and then the door on that conversation closed.
it feels like im about to fall into that kind of disappearing mood again but while my head’s still clear enough: it just occurred to me (read: i thought about it for .7 seconds by mistake) that it’s because it got conditioned into me that 1. i dont have anyone to talk to (that’s how it was in hs, further explanation to come) and 2. im too choked up, not necessarily physically, to put it into words and 3. talking about it will have consequences (whether it’s external judgement, my own regret, or shaming)
the further explanation on 1 is that, yeah sometimes i had people around me, and in the beginning i did tell people things, and being the naive child that i was i felt they understood (found out a few years later that they didnt and that i brought bad moods which is where part of my insecurities about being a burden came from but thats another story). plot twist: no one understood, nor were they open-minded enough to try. or if they did, they’d bring their preconceptions about the issues in and make excuses about my situation to justify it and not take it as im giving it, basically personalsplaining it.
so, i stopped telling people. i came to uni and apparently people open up and ask for help or cheer-ups! what a fun concept! and what a fucking terrifying thing of you to ask me to do what the fuck. it’s horrible and exposing and gives people a bargaining chip or black mail material to use against you. no matter how much i trust the people around me i just. cant. open myself up. directly related to my intimacy (platonic) and trust issues, along with the mental block on my issues and general traumas that im still actively ignoring.
yeah, sometimes i feel lacking because im not even allowing people to try to form the kind of close relationships that i crave myself by not opening up, and it gets lonely in my head sometimes, even if im sitting with the people i love. and yeah it’s like 80% my fault. but i cant. i just cant because of the idea that someone might either judge me or not get me or the issue because of what they think or their on experiences, or theyre just not deep-minded enough to get how serious it is and try to put a bandaid on it out of inexperiencem or or or or or or or
i could fucking go on for pages. i hate it all.
#suma talks#this was supposed to be something else#not a rant#but an acknowledgement about something#which i forgot halfway through and it turned into a rant about my flaws#yay me#personal
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Bleeding Red
Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.
TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.
Time for the thick and thin of it.
Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.
The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.
With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.
The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.
Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.
I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.
I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.
Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.
The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.
I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.
Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.
Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.
People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.
I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.
I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.
Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.
This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.
The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.
OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.
On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.
I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.
Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.
You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.
My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.
The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.
Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.
Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.
Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.
I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.
#Long post#tw: suicide#TW: Depression#Trigger Warning#TW#OCD#Anxiety#Chronic Depression#Bipolar Disorder#Bipolar#Mental Health#My mental health
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