#have fun with my weird medical history
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we still need to clean the house (still doing basement maintenance) and i need to find adhd friendly ways to clean frequently enough to eliminate all my OTHER environmental allergies first bc i am allergic to cats technically but if/when i get a new cat i cant just LEAVE THEM smh
@vergess does this sound like mcas to you
brief allergy history overview for context:
allergic to dust, pollen (esp ragweed), cat and dog dander, mold, cigarette smoke apparently?? a couple of other things supposedly idr i got dx'd in 1999
was on allergy meds of various kinds from age 5 to present plus allergy shots starting every 2 weeks graduating to every month. meds i REMEMBER taking (remember i started at age 5.): zyrtec twice a day rx until it went otc (idr dosage), rhinocort (idr if rx or otc). stopped that at some point idr when or why. rx patanol twice a day. saline nose spray twice a day. allergy shots never make me react more than some itchiness.
got the cat in 8th grade. allergist was NOT happy about it. reaction was itchy eyes for like 2 weeks that eventually stopped.
went to college in early 2010s. allergist said i dont need shots anymore. no access to allergist meant i stopped using the patanol unless my eyes got SUPER itchy because at the time it was rx only. continued to take otc generic zyrtec 10mg twice a day. (i was on liquid until like high school bc i couldnt swallow pills so when i switched to pills i continued the same dosage which...is HONESTLY pediatric now that i think about it, but even at 18 it still worked? i was still very skinny though)
then 3 years into college i started getting acid reflux so bad i couldn't eat plain lettuce. got an endoscopy done. got dx'd with eosinophilic esophagitis. got put on 40mg sodium pantoprazole (insurance would not cover nexium.) once a day. (COINCIDENTALLY GAINED A LOT OF WEIGHT AFTER THIS HMM)
went back to same allergist i have been seeing since i was 5. got a skin test done. was told i was MORE reactive (especially to cat :() than i was in 1999...all from 3 years without allergy shots? at least on the skin test. started shots again. got blood tested for food allergies. results seem to fluctuate whether i ate that thing before testing (ie whether it comes up as higher than what the bloodwork calls "level 0/equivocal") two constant and consistent results are hazelnuts and carrots (which have ALWAYS given me acid reflux)
i go back to gi with these results. they tell me i might have GERD. (allergist, when told of my eosinic dx, says "ugh i hope not, you need a liquid diet to deal with that."). second endoscopy after a month on the proton pump inhibitor. acid damage is healing. they tell me its safe to stay on pantoprazole long term.
fast forward to today, 9 years later. i take 10 mg of zyrtec otc twice a day. i tried flonase, did nothing. allegra is too hard to swallow. getting monthly allergy shots. rinse my nose out with saline when i remember to. take otc patanol extra strength once a day (package says to and its easier to remember than twice a day). i skip pantoprazole until the acid reflux gets very bad because 1. makes me gain weight 2. unsure about how safe it is long term 3. i just forget sometimes. i stopped eating all food allergens EXCEPT dairy because whether whey shows up as an ige allergy seems to fluctuate and also i love cheese. i am working on it.
SYMPTOMS, though: constant post nasal drip. (no change from childhood.) nose is stuffier but managed with saline. general constant low level cold symptoms (stuffy nose, very rare slight cough) eyes water only if i forget to use eyedrops. sometimes i get itchy but no hives, no redness. acid reflux when i skip the ppi or eat carrots. i gave up nutella entirely because nut allergies can apparently get worse out of the blue very fast. ragweed season gives me watery eyes and stuffy nose almost 24/7 but no wheezing or breathing issues. ANIMAL DANDER, my biggest concern, gives me itchy watery eyes DEPENDING on how clean the environment is. (i was completely fine in a small house for 12 hours with 4 cats and 3 dogs, fine in my sister's house for 6-8 hours with a shibe, but not fine in a house with 3 cats thats never vaccuumed, and not fine in my sister's car that had no shibe in it.) (not fine is still just minor eye symptoms)
cat died in 2017 so i no longer have long term exposure but dander supposedly stays in the house right? towards the end of his life, we let him in my previously off limits room that had a knockoff hepa filter running 24/7 with no issues. he was not in my room 24/7. currently i have a purezone i think??? hepa filter running 8-6 hours a day because the blue light is required for it to function. i try to change it every 3 months but sometimes i forget.
i really want another cat...even though my allergist is of the "you shouldn't be exposing yourself to any allergens on purpose" mentality. she DOES think mcas exists. she also said its safe to take 10mg cetirizine hcl 4x a day. people tell me allergies can get worse with exposure over time but then how would allergy shots work?
things i wonder about and will ask her next appointment: i am no longer 18 and 90lbs soaking wet- is 10mg of zyrtec once a day enough? did i build a tolerance? should i go back to twice a day?
my current goals:
i will use saline more often. vaccuum and dust more. keep my air filter running 24/7. IF i get a cat, no access to my room ever. i will feed it that purina food scientifically proven to lower the amount of allergen in their dander.
my big fear is 1. i have mcas which makes any allergy exposure a risk 2. people are correct unfortunately and allergy exposure DOES make it worse and that getting a cat now will give me anaphylaxis in the future :( (but then how do allergy shots work???)
i have never experienced anaphylaxis. i have never needed an epi pen. i never needed benadryl.i still don't react to the allergy shots. reactions to pet dander are mild annoying itchy eyes that depend on how clean the area is and also don't always last for the entire time i am exposed anyway. but my bloodwork shows inflammation a lot but no doctor has ever been concerned.
is this mcas??? it kind of looks more like i got sloppy with cleaning and med taking and also possibly built up a tolerance to zyrtec/gained enough weight that 10mg/a day is not enough anymore? allegra did nothing when i switched but i was also taking it 1x a day
my PLAN was get on top of every other allergen so that cat dander is the only thing i am exposed to on a daily basis BUT if this looks more like my allergies overall are just getting worse, i don't want to risk getting a cat just to have to rehome it.
lol sorry this adhd ramble was prompted by pc advice
i am NOT asking for medical advice! i am asking 1. what to ask my doctor in a way that wont make her fire me as a patient for getting a cat (right now she just says "its different when you own one" but i had one for 11 years with no issue so???) 2. does this match your experience as somebody with mcas
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I have no idea what I'm going to do for NaNoWriMo this year. I feel very uninspired lately.
I just want to do well in my class and my energy has been low lately (season change on my new medicine, I'm guessing???). I need some energy because it's Shakespeare and I need to keep my grades up to stay in the honors society (no pressure lol).
Much More in the tags as per usual... :P
#also it's grad school so C's are effectively F's which is fun#I got into the honor's society this term but wow I don't know how I managed that (truly)#I switched medications half way through grad school so I feel like a different person wrote that Anne Bronte paper even though it was me!!!#sorry but Shakespeare is not my favorite but he's better than other stuff I've read lately#I'm more of a Romantics/Victorian reader but I like the history aspect of the middle ages and renaissance so I can probs get INTO it#I read A Little Life right before class started and yikes yikes yikes- it's the worst thing I've read in a while :(#I try to read some popular literature as well as the classics#I try to understand why certain books are popular but sometimes it misses me entirely#maybe my taste is really bad but that book could have been better if Jude's suffering wasn't so drawn out (800+ pages...)#it became too much for me tbh#the best book (play) I've read in a while is Richard III#again probably my bad taste but so far Richard III is the top Shakespeare play#I am reading 8 of his plays for my class so we'll see how they all compare- if anyone is interested in that?#King Lear was not as good imo and I have to rewatch/reread Henry V before I can offically give my opinion of that one#my paper is going to be on Richard and Henry so you will probably get shit posts about them and their plays#you're welcome I guess?#maybe I'll post some pictures of the new (used) books I bought off my beloved thriftbooks? It's been a while since I've done that#I feel like I haven't posted any updates in a while so here they are#hope everyone is doing at least okay if not great- it's a weird season#irl updates#grad school#mychatter
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I have learned a lot of. weird shit. in the process of researching for this fic. for instance, before normal saline, the fucking fluid of choice to rehydrate someone who lost a dickload of blood was milk, fuck you if you were lactose intolerant. also sockeye salmon have eight different blood types and cows have at least fucking ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY
#emmy shut up#wilderness medicine is hard bc I'm used to all my fun tech at work so#I'm doing a lot of history of medicine and modern wilderness medicine/isolated first aid research#also hearthians evolved from fish/salamanders so had to research some weird shit for THAT physiology#fucking ended up being sorta useless anyways bc THEY BREATHE OXYGEN#WITH LUNGS#I do have a ~hearthian medical compendium~ going bc this will be an ongoing issue#maybe if it gets ridiculous enough I'll publish it for the masses#I still can't place their medical tech#like tektite has a prosthetic so they have the means to a) survive limb amputation traumatic or otherwise#and b) a good enough understanding of physiology to make a pretty kickass prosthetic that lets tektite continue their job in the mines#also there is a first aid kit and vague ~syringes~ on the ship#which like yes video game shorthand whatever I need every scrap I can get#they also have yknow FLIGHT CAPABILITY#I think it's time to look back at like nasa inventions that ended up being helpful in the public sphere#like velcro n shit that's the famous one. I know there were medical applications of nasa shit as well#but I don't remember which ones anymore#this is for like a 2k word fic by the way#because I hate myself
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am I having a negative and possibly dangerous reaction to one of my prescription drugs or am I just being dramatic and anxious? not sure if I'm willing to pay a lot of money to find out
#literally WHY does this kind of shit happen when only the hospital is open???#can't i have something medically weird happen to me during normal business hours so i can just call a doctor and ask if it's something#to worry about or not#fun times in the usa 🙃🙃🙃#like i will go to the hospital if anything changes but i'm not experiencing anything life threatening rn#it's just confusing. if my symptoms correlate with my newest prescription then even these non life threatening symptoms are considered an#emergency#and i think it is due to this medicine but the symptoms i'm having line up with overdose rather than just severe side effects which???#im taking a small dose of it???#hope my liver is ok if so good god#then again i do get so many side effects from practically every medicine i take. don't know what that means about me haha 🙃🙃🙃#gonna try to not think about the implications of that and my cursed family medical history 🥴🥴
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sorry if you've answered this before, and i hope you don't mind me asking, how do you know so much about computers and what seems to me like everything in the world? how did you become so knowledgeable? it's amazing
i just know a little about a lot of things and I probably have a fair number of things that I've dug into more than most people and less than people who actually focus on that stuff! It's kind of an illusion!
I do know a lot about computers and that's because I've worked at a computer company for 12 years and have been deep into a computery subculture for about 20 years - I do genuinely know a lot about consumer computers. That I'll own and that's experience.
I know a fair amount about literature because I've got a degree in it!
I know a fair amount about journalism because I've got most of a degree in it and I worked with journalists for a long time!
I know a fair amount about nutrition because I've got most of a degree in it and because I've been focused on reading a lot about nutrition for more than a decade because of my own food issues!
But mostly I'm just someone who falls down rabbitholes and has a decent ability to recall what I find when I run down them.
Also I get curious about things and will just go. Experience them.
Like at some point i came across a site for people who own and use RealDolls and I got interested in learning more. The site required an application because they didn't want people just trolling so I applied and I ended up reading through the whole site and reading the magazines they sent out for years after because it was just interesting. The way these guys bought clothes or compared repair techniques and cleaning techniques, the way they constructed identities for their dolls - it was all interesting! So now I know about the proper way to store a RealDoll and how their skeletons are put together and the best way to prevent rips or clean inserts.
Now imagine that with everything.
I got interested in quack medicine so I ended up reading the entire back catalogs of quackwatch and science-based medicine.
I got interested in the history of aspartame as a scare-word and I ended up reading a couple of books, SEVERAL entire blogs with decades-long runs, purchasing a military magazine from the 90s, and submitting a FOIA request.
But, like. I don't own a RealDoll or work in that industry. I am not a medical professional. I am not a chemist who works with aspartame. So I get these weird little collections of information where I know what *seems* like a lot to someone who hasn't looked into it but I know a lot less than someone who has taken the time to actually dedicate themselves to that topic.
And sometimes it's a years-long dive and sometimes it's a months-long dive and sometimes it's a few hours of me digging online until I feel satisfied with what I've learned and I never come back to it, but I've got three more talking points than your average joe at a party would.
(Also though I've attended various colleges at various levels for ten-ish years now and I've taken probably more college-level classes on a lot of subjects than most people have because I've now spent several years just kind of kicking around at community colleges and deciding that a cartooning class sounds fun or that a mesoamerican art class fills certain transfer requirements or that I might as well brush up on spanish, french, and german. Access to low-cost college classes in california is a big part of this, and having the time and money to take classes while i'm working is something that I've been very lucky with)
I've also worked pretty much continuously since I was 18, sometimes holding multiple jobs at once, and I know a lot of interesting people who do a lot of interesting things and I ask them about their interesting experiences and if they offer me a chance to go do cool shit with them, like launch a high altitude balloon or blow up some dynamite that's about to expire or join a band, I do it!
I was also one of those kids who had no friends and spent too much time at the library so I'd do things like read through medical textbooks or pull a book of home chemical formulas out of the trash and read it or take it into my head that I was going to read all of Shakespeare before I got to high school so I was a really annoying twelve-year-old and that kind of thing never really let up.
I don't know! I don't think it's that unusual and I think most people do this kind of thing I just happen to have less focus than a lot of people and talk a lot more.
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aita for calling my roommate crazy?
I (28f) live with 2 other people, a former college roommate who I’m pretty close with (29f) and 2nd roommate (28nb) who we both met when we moved in together 2 years ago.
Let me start this out by saying, this isn’t a fandom aita, it’s going to sound a bit weird at first, but bear with me.
I have a medical condition (relevant later) which stopped most of my bones from maturing past puberty (growth plates closing, cartilage not hardening into bones, ect.), so my skeleton is basically stuck somewhere between 13-19, (I look about 17-19, but the last time I tried to buy hard cider, the cashier thought I was 14, so that’s how young I can look). I also have very pale skin (unrelated to my disorder, just a ginger), and (related to my disorder) lack some liver enzymes so I need eat meat or I get sick (the same reason why cats need to eat meat), I ended up in the ER when I lived with my vegan sister for a week and ate the same veggie diet as her.
Trouble is, Roommate 2 is really into conspiracy theories and other fringe stuff. Nothing alt-right or anything, just like, (for example) they fully bought into that Mermaids: the body found show, and wouldn’t be dissuaded, even when Roommate 1 googled it and showed them solid proof that it was fictional. Wholeheartedly believes the US government preformed 9/11, does alternative medicine (homeopathy, ect), wishes there were ‘all natural’ vaccines (still isn’t an anti-vaccer though, just needs to be persuaded that Bill Gates didn’t put microchips in them).
Anyway, Roommate 1 and I have a recurring joke that I’m a vampire because of the meat thing and the pale thing and the not aging thing. Roommate 2 overheard us and laughed, but weirdly. She kinda joked along with us, but she seemed...odd. About a week later, they start asking me stuff about being a vampire. But they seemed friendly and not nervous then and I was hoping they were just joking and I also sincerely thought they were just asking me about how vampires work on one of my shows (I’m a big fan of Carmilla and the Originals), so I tried to explain, but I cited each show when I’m explaining a thing. This continued for several weeks, but getting worse and more weird every time, eventually culminating about 2 and a half months later into them asking me more stuff about life as a vampire and I really realised that they were serious. Bear in mind, Roommate 1 and I were trying to be very clear that we don’t believe in vampires this whole time because we both know how Roommate 2 is about this. As a result, this was the first time I really registered that they seriously seemed to genuinely believe I was a vampire. I firmly told them that I am not a vampire and that vampires aren’t real, they’re fun to joke about, but they aren’t real. They implored me ‘to be straight with them about being a vampire,’ and that ‘I could trust them,’ and I’m ashamed to say, I kinda freaked out at this point, cuz I was afraid that they would be scared of me and maybe try to hurt me, since they seemed kinda unstable because of this.
This is where I think I was an asshole, I am usually very sensitive to mental health issues. I have some c-PTSD myself and there are a lot of mental health issues in my family (unfortunately, I think some history with my own mentally ill father may have made me react this way, since he has very similar issues to Roommate 2 (vaccines, alternate medicines, specifically involving me in his delusions) and I had a very bad experience in my early teens where he thought I was a demon and ‘sent to destroy him’). Anyway, I got very upset and I yelled at them, I told them they were completely crazy and needed to get mental help and said I thought Roommate 1 and I needed to move out because they might try to stake my heart or something. I feel really bad for calling them crazy, especially because Roommate 2 has some very mental health issues and words like crazy make light of and stigmatise that and I’m very big into not blaming people for their mental health problems, but this was very triggering and in this moment I was very distresssed.
So, aita, all things considered here? I’m still gonna feel like the asshole no matter what, since mental health problems aren’t to be taken lightly or blamed on the person, but I’m curious what the internet thinks.
What are these acronyms?
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Frozen Out
Another phic phight fill, another day; this one's for @akela-nakamura. No one is allowed to say anything about my need for Far Frozen fics.
(Sister fics are Snow Day and Snowdrift Sanctuary)
Breakfast comes, and breakfast goes. Frostbite cooked last night, so it’s leftover soup.
There’s some kind of bird meat in it that Danny’s vaguely aware of, and a root vegetable that’s basically a hardy onion. The grain in it is a wild rice that’s virtually identical to the one in the human world, supposedly; Danny never had wild rice while he was eating at his parents’ house, though, so it’s new to him.
It’s interesting how it cracks and breaks apart on his tongue. The food’s different here, but the Far Frozen has food that mostly matches human cuisine in far climates. Sure, it’s made of ghost birds and ghost vegetables and ghost grains, but they’re at least recognizable as sea birds, vegetation, and grain. It’s not weird for him to eat food that looked like food.
If Danny had moved in with Princess Dorathea the way she’d offered, he’d be eating ghosts that looked like people.
Yeah. This is better.
Danny likes his soup. It’s reheated on the stovetop so that it’s warm.
His bowl goes beside the door— he’ll scrape the dishes in the snow later— and goes for his coat and boots. There’s gloves that Neuschnee, Tundra’s mom, knitted for him, on tiny needles that would have been hard for him to manipulate even without her huge clawed hands.
They’re very warm. They have little green and blue stripes and little blue snowflakes spun on yeti-fur yarn. He likes them a lot.
Danny leaves the warm interior of the cave, takes a big breath, and wanders out towards the center of the settlement.
There are lots of occupied caves in the Far Frozen. Some of them are constructed in ice, but many are formed from natural rock— or whatever passes as ‘natural’ in the Infinite Realms. Early history of yeti society is rocky; there’s apparently debate as to whether the yetis found the land while wandering the zone, whether the land spawned the people to occupy it as a deterrent against wanderers and interlopers, or whether they all came into being together.
“Aren’t you immortal? Or, you know…long-lived? Long-dead?” Danny had asked, confused. “Weren’t you here the whole time?”
“Yes,” Frostbite had agreed easily.
“So…shouldn’t you remember?”
“There are theories about that as well,” Frostbite had pointed out, amused with Danny’s frustration. “As it is, we do not.”
So. There’s that.
That being said, Danny knows there’s a lot of history; Arctic can recite cycles of songs for five hundred seasons back, and he’s not over a hundred years old.
Probably.
Danny stops beside a snow drift and scratches his head through his thick hood. Is Arctic a hundred years old?
…Anyway, Danny continues, trucking onwards, if he is, he has to adjust his worldview on teenage yetis. If he’s not, then that means that Danny’s right about part two of his plan, which includes the vague idea that a society of yetis with an advanced medical techniques and application probably has a library somewhere.
Or. You know. So he hopes. Man, if they pass down the entirety of their medical knowledge through oral tradition, Danny’s going to be screwed. Either way, he’s just in time to wander into Pritla’s glacial alcove before they’re finished with their own breakfast— a fish, apparently, devoured by sharp teeth and a huge maw.
“Morning,” Danny greets, because he’s polite that way. He knows Pritla knows he’s here. Everyone so far has made fun of how loudly he walks.
“Good morning, Phantom,” Pritla greets back, blue tongue licking bits of fish out from between huge fangs. Danny’s human right now, but for some reason, using his human name is culturally weird to them. It must be less intuitive, or something. It’s not like they can’t recognize him either way. “Is there something you’re missing?”
“No, thank you.” Last time he was here, it was because Jazz had sent over his workbooks and worksheets with pencils and no sharpener. Once the tips had snapped, it had all been over. “Is there a library?”
Pritla’s furry eyebrows rise up over their brow ridge. “Did you expect there not to be one?”
Danny’s nose squishes. “No. I assumed there is one. I just don’t know where it would be.”
The yeti’s eyes roll up to the ceiling; honestly, Danny knows that they do hard work for Frostbite, but they’re kind of annoying. “Have you tried downstairs?”
“...Downwhat,” says Danny.
So. It turns out. Far Frozen goes down.
Like, there’s a hole in the ice, and it goes down— down long steps carved straight out of the ice, into blue-glowing tunnels woven with streams of rock and salt.
“...Huh,” Danny observes. “Down.”
“Indeed,” Prita rumbles. The yeti turns, their bulk and form imposing as they head back up the stairs. “Everything is etched into the walls; feel free to make any copies of the writings you find. The farther down you go, the newer the writing becomes.”
“Thank you!” Danny hollers back, finally feeling some sense of burgeoning accomplishment. He’s almost there; all he has to do is take something impressive down, and get it copied onto something portable. He has old blank scrap paper stuck into his pockets. This should be easy. He feels very confident in reading into the yetis’ written cultural knowledge…
…And then notices that it’s written in an entirely different syllabary.
Right. Danny wants to bang his head on the ice wall. Universally spoken ghost language, entirely different societal interpretation. Shoot.
Interpreting this will take him ages.
Still, Danny settles in; there’s no rush. He wasn’t supposed to have lessons today, since Tundra caught a wheeze and now he’s being all whiny about it, so he has all the time until dinner to copy and to get some graphite rubbings off the wall.
Danny pulls up one of the carved stools, sits his butt down, and writes.
*
“Frostbite?”
Frostbite looks down. Danny smashes his face into the yeti’s fur; it’s hardly even a blow to his guardian, and it’s apparently instinctual for cubs to do something similar anyway. So. It’s a very affectionate gesture, even if it feels like playing rough to Danny.
And Danny gets petted by a giant yeti hand. There are many advantages to living in the Far Frozen.
Frostbite rumbles something, but Danny can’t actually hear him through the fur. He pokes his head out to get a listen.
“—Good day?”
“Mmhmm.” It had been productive, anyway. “I saw the library.”
“The hall of records?” Frostbites ask, his voice a gentle rumble. Danny leans into the sound. “Ambitious of you. Did you learn anything new?”
Danny had. So he talks about the loss of the rainy seasons for snowy ones and The Year That It Rained Upwards, and about drifting too far against the edge of the Infinite Realms until they smashed into another kingdom and were forced to fight. He talks about the process of washing starlight moss until it becomes food instead of vegetation, and he talks about what it says about birthing traditions, and what it means to be Never-borne in a people that had probably never once lived in the human world.
Or maybe they had? There were some theories downstairs that speculated that they were the ghosts of real Yetis. Danny hadn’t known what to think. He’d taken the notes down anyway, because…well…what if they are? What if they’re all that’s left of the human world’s yeti population: ectoplasmic imprints and non-living beings??
Frostbite knows everything Danny tells him about. Obviously. He was there for almost everything, too. But he lets Danny ramble on in a way that his parents never had, letting Danny explain his own history to him with new eyes and new words. It’s cathartic. Danny clings to Frostbite’s fur as the yeti walks around their living space, skinning and deboning Sky Whale meat to add to tonight’s meal. An adolescent human really weighs nothing to him. It’s so funny.
“I am glad to know that you are able to take advantage of the histories,” Frostbite rumbles. Danny preens. “What encouraged you to seek them out?”
Danny goes quiet.
Frostbite looks over his shoulder to look at Danny, but lets Danny resolve his silence on his own terms.
“...I wanted to see. If.” Danny licks his lips. Frostbite hums, showing that he’s listening. “If…if there’s records of a real ghost society, with its own language and culture and everything…they’ve gotta listen, right?”
The round knife in Frostbite’s hand stills.
“They always say that…that ghosts are just pretending, that there’s nothing to ghost consciousness, that there’s nothing to anyone’s existence in the afterlife. But there’s records.” Danny’s throat tightens. “There’s known history. There’s language and a syllabary and…and there’s political conflict and agriculture and advanced medical care and weather charts. That has to be enough proof. If I show it to them, then they should be able to see.”
The knife gets set down. Frostbite wipes his hands on a towel. Danny can’t see his face.
“It’s gotta be enough,” Danny tries again. His throat hurts. His eyes itch. But he thinks he could be right. “So if I show it to them, and they see it, and they see how far back the knowledge goes, and how careful everyone is to take care of each other and how nice everyone is and how good, and…and…”
Frostbite’s hug is soft, and warm. It’s amazing, and it’s not his Dad’s. Danny’s Dad is never going to hug him again.
Danny cries.
“Oh, little one,” Frostbite hums, and his face looks just as pained as Danny feels. “Little Phantom, it’s not safe for you to return to them, even to drop off records. If they had wanted to know more of the Infinite Realms, they would have tried to search them. I do not think that they are willing to listen, and I am too afraid to risk your health to see if they would change their minds when confronted with evidence.”
He sobs. “But, but,” Danny cries, his throat torn with emotion. The hug pins his arms so his sides, so he just ends up snotting into his guardian’s fur. “...But I need them.”
“I know, little one.”
“They loved me,” Danny cries, because he knows that it had been true— that, once upon a time, there had been a family made of Jazz, Danny, Mom, and Dad. “They… Frostbite, I miss them so bad!”
Frostbite’s arms tighten. He lowers himself to the ground, until Danny is in a nest of yeti fur and pain and devastation and little else.
“I know, little one,” Frostbite says, because there’s no other reassurance he can give.
“I won’t… They’ll never want to see me again!”
“...I am so sorry,” Frostbite murmurs, endlessly patient with him. His ears are pulled back, his eyes taut with stress.
He can’t help it. He breaks down.
Danny clings. He cries— long, and loud, because pretending that he had a home to go back to had only worked until it stopped. He wants to go home. He wants to pretend to be all-human again.
He’ll never go home. He’ll never pretend to be all-human again.
He’ll do his lessons and Jazz will ferry his schoolwork to and from Casper High but he’ll never live with her again— never do his homework on her bed, never watch Dr. Phil with her on the couch, never eat lazy breakfasts with her or spend nights wondering if she’d come home safe from her date.
Sam and Tucker can visit, but they’ll never be able to stay; every trip will be stolen, surreptitious, since they don’t have a reason to be in his house anymore. No more Tucker and Sam gaming nights. No more trips to catch dinner together at the Nasty Burger.
No more Ops Center. No more house.
No more of Danny’s bedroom.
Because otherwise, Mom and Dad would know. And they would get him.
Mom and Dad don’t love him anymore. And…that’s the end of it.
So Danny cries himself out. Wipes off his nose with his undershirt sleeve. Resolves to get over himself. It hurts, because everything hurts, but there’s still life to be lived, kind of. Probably.
Presumably.
He doesn’t let go of Frostbite, though, who doesn’t let go of him; so Danny ends up eating his rare Sky Whale stew on a furry throne made of guardian yeti, blearily shoving food in his mouth until his stomach stops cramping.
Frostbite puts him back into his coat, one arm at a time. Frostbite carries him out of their cave, even though it’s usually time for a bright night’s nap after dinner. Whatever. Danny doesn't have the energy to ask what’s happening to him.
In the end, though, Danny does recognize Tundra’s Mom’s glacial ice cavern, since no one else has such carefully carved walls.
Frostbite doesn’t ask, and Neuschnee doesn’t disrupt; she sits, calm, carving a soapstone block, as Danny gets laid down on their woven carpet.
Danny blinks.
Frostbite goes, and comes back— and Neuschnee smiles wryly as Tundra gets placed down beside Danny, fast asleep and dreaming of cars.
Danny’s never been in such a huge, furry cuddle pile before, but as Frostbite lays down, his huge shoulder pushing him into Tundra’s smaller form in a cascade of ghost dominoes…
It’s nice.
Danny will never have back what he had, but he has this.
…That can be enough. Right?
Danny doesn’t know the answer for sure, but he falls asleep still thinking about it, the scrape of knife on stone all that he can hear.
…Sure. This can be enough for now.
#everyone say BOOHOO!#phic phight 2024#phic phight#danny phantom#far frozen#frostbite#shhhhh it's FINE I'm VERY NORMAL about this burgeoning au#faer fic#whoops almost forgot to sign my work#this is part of my “frostbite is a good Dad” agenda
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You've Got Email (König x OC: Medical Student!Snow) PART III
Summary: When the Colonel from some Private Military Corporation group accidentally send KorTac's secret file via email to a random civilian girl and now they develop some weird relationship.
or
Snow now overthinking about how fucked up her situation can be
TWs: Slow burn (not really), Implies stalking behavior. I just wrote this for fun.
Words Count: 1.9k (The email contain 1.3+ words while the rest was Snow's 4Chan post)
----
From: [email protected]
To: Colonel_Kö[email protected]
05/13/23 at 01:38 am
Subject: A late night conspiracy ramble…
Hey!
Once again it’s a late night and these weary med student brain cells are firing off all kinds of…interesting theories and connections, to say the least.
For example, okay hear me out, but what if Big Pharma is actually run by ancient shape-shifting lizard people from the center of the hollow earth who feed on human adrenal gland fluid harvested during rituals conducted at Bohemian Grove, and they started the pharmaceutical industry just to get us all addicted to medication so we’re docile little cash cows?!
I know, I know, it’s utterly ridiculous…buuuuut it would explain a few things haha! Anyways, somehow my winding thought process led me back to pondering your own doubtless intriguing backstory, oh mysterious Colonel.
You’ve given mysterious snippets here and there, but never a straight history lesson, you sly dog. Care to unravel some of those shadows for this thirsty student? Like how’d you get into this line of work anyway?
Maybe share something to take my mind off lizard people conspiracies before this insomnia kills me. You’ve got me curious now!
Conspiracizing but also bedridden,
Snow
----
From: Colonel_Kö[email protected]
05/13/23 at 02:01 am
Subject: RE: A late night conspiracy ramble…
You’ve a vivid imagination, to be sure. As for my own history…it’s nothing so fanciful, I’m afraid.
I grew up isolated, with only books as company. Social skills proved…challenging. The bullying was constant. All I wanted was to disappear into the quiet of nature, far from the incessant noise inside my head.
By 17 I was desperate to escape, and the military offered just that. I dreamed of being a sniper – controlling chaos from afar through calm precision. But my frame and restlessness didn’t suit remaining still for long. They saw potential elsewhere. They assigned as an insertion specialist instead. It was difficult, but taught discipline. In time I learned to turn noise into focus, chaos into strategy.
Now I protect others as I wished to be protected then. It brings…solace, of a kind. Purpose, where once was only turmoil.
Get some rest, Snow. Sweet dreams.
König
----
From: [email protected]
To: Colonel_Kö[email protected]
05/13/23 at 02:14 am
Subject: RE: RE: A late night conspiracy ramble…
I see.
Thank you for sharing that with me. I can’t imagine how difficult those experiences must have been, but I’m grateful you found your calling in spite of them. It takes real strength of character to turn trauma into purpose like that.
Also, I should say the bullying says far more about their weakness of spirit than anything about you. Their loss, as it brought you to where you’re meant to be – helping people in your own way. I can’t help but smile thinking of a tiny bookworm König dreaming of sniping lizards in the woods! Well, you may not be in the trees anymore but it seems your aim is truer than ever.
Thinking on childhoods, mine wasn’t all sunshine either as an awkward kid. Let’s just say blending in was…challenging, to put it lightly. Between moving a lot after my parents split and living with various relatives, school was an escape into study. Seemed the safest route to gain some footing and make the family proud, at least. Kept me busy avoiding the realities outside books for a while too, I suppose. Somehow I suspect lonely bookworm me and you may have gotten along splendidly if our paths crossed back then!
Anyways, not sure where I’m going with this aside from reflecting our younger selves may have found solace in one another, strange as that sounds now in these roles. At least we’ve come into our own in the end, in our own ways. Small favors and all that.
Just a light note before sleep – rest well, König!
Your friend,
Snow
----
From: [email protected]
To: Colonel_Kö[email protected]
05/28/23 at 08:27 pm
Subject: Essay Woes and Cadaver Flashbacks
Ugh,
My apologies for this incoherent word vomit you’re about to endure. I’m approximately 5-7 days into an all-nighter essay crunch and my last two brain cells are DANCING.
This final assignment is killing me dead but at least after it’s over I can finally be done with med school! *insert jubilant celebration emoji* Of course that’s if I don’t starve to death first living off instant ramen. I’m positively wasting away without a decent meal. At this rate they’ll be teaching anatomy lectures using my lifeless body.
Whoever invents a magic food delivery service that beams freshly cooked meals directly to overworked students is getting a freaking Nobel Prize. A girl can dream, right? At this point I’d kill a man for a good pizza. *hideshypotheticalmurderweaponbehindback*
Anyways, in my spiral of delirium my thoughts keep wandering back to that fateful day months ago when I randomly received your classified KorTac email out of nowhere. Still bewildered how you even had my address to begin with…were you watching me, Colonel? *pretends to be frightened but is secretlyflattered*
Getting that file was kinda scary at first, not gonna lie. Reminded me of the first time we received our cadavers – that creepy feeling of being watched even after leaving the lab. Is that what it’s like being you, always paranoid someone has intel on you? :)
Anyways, enough gibbering – just wanted to share my pain and also wonder again how our wacky email friendship began! Stay safe out there in whatever shady places your work takes you. And send help – I mean, good luck with all the classified stuff!
Tired and Hangry,
Snow
----
From: [email protected]
To: Colonel_Kö[email protected]
05/28/23 at 08:40 pm
Subject: WHAT DID YOU DO
KÖNIG I SWEAR TO GOD
I LITERALLY JUST GOT A DELIVERY AT MY DOOR. IT WAS PIZZA AND IT WAS ALREADY PAID FOR
DUDE TELL ME YOU DIDN’T HACK INTO MY LOCATION OR SOME SHIT. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE??
I’M FREAKING OUT A LITTLE NOT GONNA LIE. I KNOW YOU HAVE ACCESS TO SHADY TECH BUT PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN’T TRACK ME DOWN
I was joking in my last email! Sort of! Please say this was all just a coincidence. I don’t need some extra secret stalker on top of everything else ;____;
Explain yourself soldier man!!! My paranoia can only be quelled with answers.
Sending mildly panicked regards,
Snow
----
From: Colonel_Kö[email protected]
05/28/23 at 09:12 pm
Subject: RE: WHAT DID YOU DO
Snow,
I assure you, any capabilities related to surveillance are reserved strictly for operations.
As for your delivery, consider it a small kindness from one overworked soul to another. Now eat, regain strength, and get back to that essay. You’ve proven quite resourceful in pulling secrets from shadows. But some mysteries deserve to remain.
Worry not and carry on with your studies.
König
----
From: [email protected]
To: Colonel_Kö[email protected]
05/28/23 at 09:25 pm
Subject: Spill. Everything. Now.
I appreciate the pizza bailout, don’t get me wrong. But my paranoia has now reached DEFCON 1 levels and it WILL NOT stand down until I get some answers. So spill. Just how much do you actually know about me? Do you have my address on file somewhere? Photos? Socials? Pet peeves? Middle name??
I understand need-to-know for operations, but this is need-to-know for my own peace of mind. Please assuage these frazzled med student nerves and assure me you’re not some mysterious stalker Colonel (unless that’s just part of your charm). I’ll even send new Luna's pics in return! Consider it a debriefing – you give, you get. Otherwise the wheels will keep spinning in my head…
Sincerely (and only mildly obsessively),
Snow
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>>Anonymous
05/29/23(Mon)22:37:10 No:132926391
Colonel Stalker Dude is freaking me out
Image: [Confused pepe scratching head.jpg 230kb, 400x400]
>Be me, a totally tired out and broke student
>Remember getting those shady files months ago
>Thought Colonel dude was cool and weird pen pal
>Even started to like him after long talks
>But NOW he knows my address???
>WTF how long has he been watching me
>On one hand it’s creepy AF but kinda flattering a high rank dude cares
>Other hand I don't want a secret stalker or to get disappeared
>Free food is nice but feeling stalked is not cash money
>Used to have bit of crush but now I'm skeeved TBH
>What do? Can't go to cops cuz questions. No close friends/fam
>Too broke to move or change info
>Maybe he’s just lonely but also maybe he climbs in my window ;____;
>What if he takes my organs in the night like some human harvester?!
>Only protection is my cat Luna and she's useless in a fight ;_;
>Try to be positive and asking him how much he know
>Currently waiting for his replied while I was writing this post
>Anons pls help, should I keep talking to possible stalker man?
Don’t want my organs harvested but also don’t wanna waste a free food connection
Very conflicted and slightly paranoid this girl is in DIRE need of advice
Anonymous 05/29/23(Mon)22:45:19 No:132926405: >>132926391(OP)#
Sounds like a thriller romance novel lol! He probs just cares in his own intense way. Keep talking but be safe, maybe feel him out more? Could be nnothing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Anonymous 05/29/23(Mon)23:16:08 No:132926439: >>132926405#
IKR it does sound like a book! But what if it’s a prequel to a snuff film?! I’ll try to subtly find out wtf he knows without pissing him off…
Anonymous 05/29/23(Mon)23:37:12 No:132926502: >>132926391(OP)#
LOL girl chill no one climbin in ur windows. He prolly just admires ur spirit. Keep lines of comms open, set boundaries if needed but relax!
Anonymous 05/29/23(Mon)23:45:01 No:13292623: >>132926502#
You’re right, I do overthink! I’ll calm my farm. Thank u stranger, maybe he’s just a bored soldier man and not a psycho (´。＿。｀)
Anonymous 05/30/23(Tue)00:25:31 No:13292684: >>132926391(OP)#
Change ur info anyway, maybe he won’t go to ur new stuff. And get some locks/alarms jfc. Play it safe.
Anonymous 05/30/23(Tue)00:42:44 No:13292692: >>13292684#
Can’t change anything, I used my student email! And too broke for moves or upgrades, these loans gotta last :’( but self defense is a must, thanks!
Anonymous 05/30/23(Tue)01:28:19 No:132922735: >>132926391(OP)#
Send Luna pics. Also tell col u feel weird, set ground rules like no stalking. Maybe he just wants friendship. Be safe!
Anonymous 05/30/23(Tue)01:46:31 No:132922757: >>132922735#
[sleepy_Luna.jpg 1,3mb 1000x1000] You’re so right, communication is key. I’ll lay it all out clearly and see how it goes. Thx fren <3
Anonymous 05/30/23(Tue)01:59:36 No:132922805: >>132926391(OP)#
Maybe he liiiiikes you ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) whatever happens keep us posted! We’re invested now lol
Anonymous 05/30/23(Tue)02:08:55 No:132922822: >>132922805#
omggg don't say that!! Now I'll be paranoid AND flustered X_X But I definitely will update y'all, this is quite the melodrama unfolding
Anonymous 05/30/23(Tue)02:15:36 No:132922811: >>132926391(OP)#
Girlll tell that stalker if he wants a piece he gonna have to pay your tuition first! Then maybe you’ll reconsider the organ harvesting. Gotta respect your worth sis 💅
Anonymous 05/30/23(Tue)02:23:12 No:132922834: >>132922811#
Omg you genius!!! If he’s really interested he can sponsor my broke ass med student life lol. Alleviate my debt and he gets unlimited Luna pics, win-win!
Anonymous 05/30/23(Tue)03:01:46 No:132922839: >>132926391(OP)#
Lmao girl you been reading too many thrillers! Military guys have ways of finding people, changing email won’t do shit. Just ask him wtf is up like a normal person
Anonymous 05/30/23(Tue)03:39:44 No:132922926: >>132922839#
Ugh you make a good point, confronting is smarter than hiding. But what if he locks me in a dungeon for being nosy?! I have no one to turn to if I disappear ;-;
------
From: Colonel_Kö[email protected]
05/30/24 at 03:45am
Subject: RE: Spill. Everything. Now.
Snow,
Let’s just say I know more than you think. But rest assured, your privacy and safety remain my priority here.
As for debriefs, some questions are best left unanswered, even between…friends. Maintaining mystique has its place too, no?
Focus on your studies. I’ll focus on ensuring no more interruptions are needed.
Now get some rest. You’ve an early lab tomorrow if I’m not mistaken.
Sweet dreams.
König
----
From: [email protected]
To: Colonel_Kö[email protected]
05/30/23 at 03:47am
Subject: DUDE.
HOW.
----
This one was short because I've been busy with other stuff hahah. It sure took some twisted turn hmmM? or maybe poor Snow just over reacted ;)
Also love, comment and reblogged are really appreciate! 💖
#könig cod#könig call of duty#könig mw2#könig x oc#könig#cod oc#cod x oc#konig call of duty#cod fic#cod mw2
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well hell. wip wednesday and i havent written much of anything so im just gonna share what I've got for chapter 2 i guess? poor reader is very tired and uh. exhausted to say the least.
Morbid below!
You just level a very tired look back to muttonchops, "is this the part where I'm taken out back like Ol' Yeller?"
The big one tilts his head a bit, your gaze tracks the movement and you just sigh, "what? Bullets are cheap. I'm sure you have an allocated training amount for range days, I'm an easy target," at this you gesture inward, nobody would accuse you of being Small or Petite or any of that bullshit, "and it's not hard to move the brass from whatever secondary location to the range. Hell, knives are even cheaper," as you say it you know you have a goddamn preference.
You don't wanna die like this of all ways but you don't exactly know how many rights you have since you are very publicly dead. Like in a perfect world you somehow get slipped back to your bedroom, you're fine, there's no bruising and you just had a wild dream. Second best you'll take a weird sleepwalking incident- mortifying in it's own way but a fun anecdote for later.
You don't want to be talking about how easily they can kill you. How even if they let you off base what the hell could you do? You're entirely at their whims and that's sixteen levels of horrifying.
"Don't think from the article there was enough left of me for uh, an open casket," you nervously fiddle with your hands, kinda all you could do with them, "and hell, cremation isn't exactly the hardest thing. Makes me more portable than I ever have been in life."
You huff as you lean back, meeting the eyes of mutton chops and just. Matching his gaze. You know exhaustion is written in every line of your being.
You just keep his gaze as long as the three of you sit quietly. You're half convinced there's some level of scent warfare you're still missing, but you can't find yourself to give half a damn.
"Medical's initial assessment is back."
You blink, that's not where you were expecting this to go, "okay? Can I talk with her about them or-"
"You don't have scent glands. They want to do x-rays to analyze your sinuses-"
"Wait aren't there laws about healthcare information privacy-"
"- among other select tests, and we will make decisions upon further results."
You go to jerk your hands up in exasperation, "awesome. I've been voluntold for more needlework. Joy of joys, is it a dissection or still a vivisection if I'm only legally dead?"
He levels an unimpressed look at you, and you level your own right back. You can't help yourself from grumbling, "need to know just how much of my medical history gets to stay private with this bullshit."
"I get access to records as your alpha-"
You scoff, "I didn't vote for you."
The big one shifts from foot to foot, but muttonchops continues as if you hadn't spoken up, "-assigned to your case and determining how to classify your presence on this base."
Your brows furrow, "why would you need to be my assigned alpha for that, or granted my medical information. The way someone smells is no basis for a system of-"
"Are you quite done," he sounds like he's at a resigned tired stage- which, fair- and the big one is looking at muttonchops… expectantly?
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More Kortac:
König gets along really well with Askel and Klaus for obvious reasons. If any of them heads home, they’ll bring back the good beer and treats that they all know
Everyone will eat whatever is in the fridge, nothing is safe. Maybe if it has a not from a family member will some of them leave it alone. But that is no guarantee.
Horangi, in an attempt to ‘chill Oni out’, slipped marijuana drops into his tea and got him high as hell.
Oni laid on the common room couch for 6 hours without moving and said the weirdest shit.
Horangi was there the whole time and loved every moment, unfortunately, some others didn’t agree
Declan, Stilletto, Askel, Klaus, and Horangi openly laughed while Calisto and Zero were the only ones who didn’t find it funny at all
Oni quickly got Horangi back by replacing some of his nice kimchi with weird cheap stuff he found for online. He mixed it together to blend the flavors
At dinner that night, Horangi got half way through before leaving to throw up. Oni laughed the whole time
Horangi quickly returned to dinner and tackled him over the table, attempting my to shove some of the bad kimchi down his throat.
The yelling foreign languages at each other was funny. Mostly since it was Oni mocking Horangi and Horangi yelling rather than vice versa.
Horangi has seen everyone’s face, mostly because he doesn’t knock and has weird hours
This includes Ghost, even if they only worked together for a week
Fender is the only one who’s seen almost everyone’s face because they showed it to him willingly, König will wear a medical mask but won’t show his face
The medics know a lot of secrets about everyone, not important ones though, very stupid ones
Know Roze stole a loaf of bread from her family’s kitchen when she was 8 and felt bad so she tossed it in a lake
Know Zero once a had a crush on a middle school girl when he was in elementary and tried hard to get her attention but failed miserably
They won’t tell anyone because of Patient-Client Confidentiality and consequently become the secret keepers of the group
König only one who has seen Fender’s face.
KorTac tries to have dinner together and push the tables into a square, it’s really fun and they have game night (without gambling)
König has the highest tolerance and is has never gotten past drunk before.
He doesn’t really get drunk, he just gets wobbly and that’s all. No one knew the first time til he tried to get up and immediately tripped over his own feet, stayed on the floor and groaned, saying ‘damn, drank to much’
No one could remember how much he drank that night.
Everyone once saw him have like 14 beers (he has his own stash from home that’s strong and no one else likes) and said he felt tipsy and didn’t know his limit
Declan and Oni come in close second and Declan will brag about this to anyone who listens
Stilletto and Horangi are third but they don’t really care. Calisto, Zero, and Gromsko are the same way but have a lower tolerance
Zeus is really bad at drinking games and refuses to play, so they don’t really know his limit
He has admitted to being in the third place group, much to Declan’s amusement
Hutch has hacked into devices with weird search history’s. He doesn’t talk about it but if drunk enough he will tell some of the weirder non sexual ones.
Though, there are a few he will never speak of because thinking about them makes him shiver.
#headcanon#kortac#könig#Horangi#rozlin roze helms#calisto allard#cod hutch#declan o'conor#hiro oni watanabe#cod zeus#fender takacs#cod askel#cod Klaus#cod zero#I love them#crack#pry them from my cold dead hands#cod Stilletto#kortac operators
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every time i go to the doctor it seems like there’s always one (1) thing about my blood work/exam/medical history/whatever that confuses and upsets them. there’s always something SLIGHTLY wrong. i for one have accepted the fact that my body is weird and doesn’t make sense, so it’s always kind of fun when they’re like “wow. you shouldn’t be like this, but there’s no explanation for it, and you’re not dying, so. carry on i suppose”
#on today’s episode the nurse called my symptom bizarre and i watched the doctor pause to google something twice#fhsjfhd#it’s just an allergy problem i’m not dying#nothing will ever be as funny as the time that my blood pressure was so weird they did an ekg#and the ekg was so weird that they sent me to get an echocardiogram#at which point they were like nah you’re just Like That#i was originally at the doctor for a routine checkup ghsjfhdjdh
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few of my aziracrow hcs throughout history:
in the 16th century crowley started the rumor that dead bodies could cure disease just for fun and it got a LITTLE out of hand when the rich actually starting eating that shit. he got a commendation for it and not only was it weird as hell but aziraphale didn't talk to him for at least two decades bc of it so it wasn't worth it
crowley was exclusively fem presenting in the 1970's and tried therapy that decade in hopes of getting her head screwed on right might make her enough for a certain angel. she ended up only going to 3 sessions and wiping her therapists memory of everything
aziraphale joined the army in ww1 as a medic and healed mostly in france till he was called away to an assignment (keep some promising young priest safe and make sure he ascends to sainthood) which took years and the war was over when he got back
crowley was a plague doctor in the 14-15th century bc he was originally supposed to tempt ppl into death but he could never actually bring himself to do it so he ended up lying to hell and healing/comforting people in their last moments of death. got found out eventually by hell and was kept Downstairs for a few decades in the 1400's. the black death and the famines that followed it after is the reason he despises the 14th century so much (also he just hated seeing aziraphale so skinny and so worried)
crowley invented the flat earth theory and the 'sun revolves around the earth' theory. hell gave him several commendations
crowley was on the titanic and has held a grudge against every single body of water ever since
crowley was friends with mary magdalene
crowley was forced (by hell ofc) to marry one of the lords she was tempting in the late 1500s and she did, reluctantly, until she got so tired of his bullshit she was like 'nah fuck this' and ran away. that got her a few decades of paperwork in hell but really, it was worth it. (the whole time aziraphale wrote her letters and was trying to figure out why he felt so heartbroken everytime he thought of crowley being married to another)
crowley helped put out fires in the great fire of london and when hell reprimanded him for it he made some excuses about helping the rebellion rise among the citizens and everyone hated lord bloodworth, even hell, so he reasoned he should've gotten a commendation alone for annoying the man. ALSO he did NOT lift a finger for the St Paul cathedral so they should be happy with him, really! aziraphale was in france at the time, watching Molière's newest comedy, even tho he barely understood a word.
crowley bleached her hair ONCE in the 1980's and immediately regretted it and miracled it away before anyone could see
crowley tempted one of the man working on the first translation of the bible and added spelling mistakes for shits and giggles
crowley would have married aziraphale in rome
aziraphale used to give rides to crowley back when they rode on horses cause horses canonically hate crowley and aziraphale might've been a smug bitch about it but he still liked helping crowley out. (crowley sat there like a block of salt the entire time and did not think of anything but his hands on aziraphale's waist for months after)
somewhere between 1941 and 1967 crowley confessed or TRIED to confess his feelings for aziraphale but was immediately shut down (even tho az felt the same) bc aziraphale was scared that heaven would find out and that crowley would be in danger. they parted on shit terms after and that's the reason they were so tense with each other in 1967 bc there was already a rejection between them
after the flood aziraphale saved every injured animal that he found bc he couldn't bear the thought of 'wasting' god's 'mercy'
crowley wanted to be a highwayman in the late 1700s but they heard it involved horse riding so they settled for being a footpad (travelled and robbed on foot) for a while and aziraphale disapproved, obviously, but he was no snitch
crowley rescued aziraphale from pirates once (aziraphale refused to part w his books and they were just about to execute him before crowley showed up) with a shitty fucking getaway boat and everything. aziraphale kissed his cheek in thank you and crowley promptly fell out of said shitty fucking getaway boat
in the early days crowley tried to convince himself that what he felt for aziraphale was simple jealousy or obsession with what he couldn't have but sometime after job he gave up
crowley invented jesters. aziraphale was a jester for an assignment (looking after a promising king and making sure he ascended to sainthood) and crowley laughed her ass OFF when she saw aziraphale in his little jester outfit. she still brings it up sometimes and aziraphale ignores her everytime
aziraphale kept bees in the 18th century and, following tradition (i kid u not) gossiped to them about crowley in exchange for honey
when crowley learned of what god asked abraham to do with isaac he was like 'oh absolutely fucking NOT' and 'kidnapped' him (politely asked isaac to come with him somewhere safe). aziraphale came to 'demand' him back until crowley explained the situation, after which he hemmed and hawed until he was like 'well... WELL!!' and stayed to 'watch' over them (make flower crowns with isaac)
aziraphale found crowley asleep on noah's ark with her arms warped around every animal she could reach and felt an emotion he wouldn't name for another 3000 years
aziraphale invited himself over to crowley's to celebrate 1999's new years eve and crowley did the littlest tempting they've ever done so aziraphale would hug one of their pillows all night and after he left crowley miracled his scent to never leave the pillow and still sleeps with it every night and pretend they have everything they want
#yes im history nerd and insane#im not normal about them and exactly 1 person asked to hear my hcs so i had to make a post#good omens#good omens s2#azicrow#crowley#aziraphale#aziracrow#good omens headcanon
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A big silly idiot (Kai Havertz x Reader)
**I got a request by an account that has now change the name and I can’t find it, so I can’t tag it. Sorry 😔 But the idea was to write some jealous Havertz where the reader is a physio. And…I know he moved to Arsenal but not in this story 😅 or the little cameo wouldn’t work. Always fun to write jealous characters and I hope you guys enjoy it!! ❤️**
Word count: 1022
Masterlist
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"And because of the new coaching staff, there are all these new people working here. Some for the medical team. That'd be weird. I was so used to my previous colleagues".
"It'll be fine".
"I hope so. For a moment I worried they'd fire me too".
"How could they fire the best doctor in the history of football doctors?"
You rolled your eyes at your boyfriend's comments and turned to kiss him goodbye when you reached the infirmary. But when you were leaning against the door with your eyes closed, the door opened before Kai could kiss you.
You would have fallen to the floor had it not been for the arms that caught you.
"So sorry. Are you ok?"
Kai was looking at the young man who still held your arms, not wanting to make a scene but slightly glaring at him. There was no need to touch you for that long.
"I'm fine, yeah. Note to self: don't lean against closed doors".
The mystery man laughed with you before noticing there was someone else there.
"Oh, hi! Are you here for your treatment?"
"No, I'm with her".
You frowned at his words and tone.
"He's on his way to training. Treatment for the players that aren't injured usually comes after they train. Unless you've changed that already?"
"No, that's fine. I just need an updated list of who’s fit and who’s not".
"I'm going now", said Kai, making you look at him. He was acting so weird.
"I know. Have a good training. I'll see you after".
"My kiss?"
He was being so obvious. "Who do you want the kiss from?"
When Kai rolled his eyes, you moved closed and pecked his cheek. "But…".
"See you later".
You got inside the room, closing the door and leaving Kai to be moody outside of your little place of work.
"So, what's your name?"
"Sebastiano. But you can call me Sebas".
"Right, you're the manager's son".
"I swear I know how to do my job and didn't just get it because of him", he joked.
"I'm dating a player. I get how it feels to be judged because of personal connections so you won't get that kind of comment from me".
"Nice. It's hard to find someone who gets it, you know?"
You nodded. "Anything you need, let me know".
Kai also learned who the new medical team member was very soon since everyone was talking about the new staff. And he also kept glaring at him during training.
"Why does he have to be here?"
"What?", Enzo looked at who his teammate was pointing. "Well, he's learning the dynamics of the team from someone who knows all about it…".
"It's not that hard, is it? We train, we get injured, he treats the injury and hopefully doesn’t make it worse. He’s just here because of daddy so maybe he won’t even know how to put a plaster on a wound".
"Why are you so annoyed by him…wait. Are you jealous?"
"Jealous of what?"
"Of a young good looking guy who has to work with your girlfriend".
"I'm not", said Kai, kicking the ball and leaving to find a new training partner.
But he was jealous. He was used to you being surrounded either by other women or by dudes so old they could be your dad…or grandad. And Enzo was right. This new guy was good-looking and seemed nice too. What if you liked him? And he was smart like you, not an idiot who earns a living kicking and heading a ball.
He tried to concentrate on training but hearing you giggle at whatever the new guy was saying didn’t help his case.
“Ten minutes left”, you said, “now it’s when we leave and get everything ready for those who need more treatment. Most will just need some massages and similar”.
“Ok, let’s go”.
Kai saw you both leaving and when he noticed the new guy putting his hand on your back when you walked in front of him, he lost it.
“Ahhh!”
Everyone turned to look at him after his very unnatural scream and he fell to the floor holding his ankle.
“You ok?”
“I twisted my ankle. I think I need to go to the infirmary to get it checked”.
“Sure”, said one of the physios helping Kai to stand up and walking with him to where you were.
When the door opened, you lifted your head to see who was coming in. Your head that was very close to the new guy’s, who was looking at the same documents you had placed on the table.
“Kai, what happened?”
“I twisted my ankle”, he said and you were immediately by his side to guide him to one of the stretchers.
A few people surrounded you two, since there was no one else to attend at the moment. You took Kai’s shoe off and then his sock too to check the foot…but there was nothing to check.
“It’s not bruised or swollen…”.
“That’s good, right?”
“Yeah”, you said, giving him a funny look. “Does it hurt when I touch it?”
“No”.
“Does it now?”, you asked, applying way more pressure than necessary.
“Yes! Don’t do that”.
“Just checking. I got this, guys. Go get everything ready for the rest of the players”.
Kai could tell you weren’t happy by your expression. He knew you too well but that went both ways. You knew him too well too.
“Did you fake an injury?”
“What? Why would I…”.
“You’re jealous. No, don’t say anything. I can tell. And you’re so stupid for it”.
“It’s just…he’s young and smart, like you”.
“And about to marry someone”, you said and Kai closed his eyes and let his head fall back before he started to laugh. “I really am an idiot, huh?”
“A big silly idiot. But even if he wasn’t engaged to someone else…come on. It takes more than young and smart to win me over”.
“Sorry”.
“I wish I had seen you faking the injury on the pitch, though. It must have been hilarious”.
“Yeah, I’m not winning an Oscar anytime soon”.
#kai havertz#kai havertz imagine#kai havertz one shot#kai havertz fluff#kai havertz x reader#footballer imagine#footballer one shot#footballer fluff#footballer x reader
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𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐅𝐞𝐲𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐑𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞
⤷ female, ambiguous race, and any size reader. Requests are open, thank you for reading!
ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳˡᶤˢᵗ
SFW🌿
⭑ They had been married for many years when they met you. Amren and Nesta had formed a new group for young women that were interested in magic and witchcraft.
⭑ You were eager to join and had grown close to the women. You were taught how to heal, how to defend and attack; physically, emotionally, and mentally.
⭑ Amren was especially interested in your abilities and how well you connected with the materials. Like this is what you were meant to do.
⭑ She would talk her High Lord and Lady about you. It was only in passing; the army could use good medics, as well as the realm.
⭑ I think it would be Feyre’s idea to have a poly relationship and Rhys was a tad hesitant at first, but it was so natural when they met you.
⭑ Like the cauldron had blessed their union with a third mate.
⭑ You got along so well with both of them. Feyre did most of the talking while Rhys sat back, a loose arm around his wife.
⭑ Their children had big days - training, learning, etc. So they didn’t know about you until Rhys and Feyre were sure about you
⭑ Feeling protected at all times - you always felt safe because you were associated with the most powerful people in the realm.
⭑ Feyre loves showing you her art - particularly the paintings that she’s made of you.
⭑ You and Feyre gang up on Rhys a lot; and you have strong opinions that you aren’t afraid of sharing
⭑ Being targeted at one point or another, but the Inner Circle always has your back
⭑ Mor loves you. She loves the idea that Rhys and Feyre brought in another person into their marriage.
⭑ Elain is strongly against it, but after a few years, she would get over it. After all, they have eternity.
⭑ Bonding with Rhys over history, your love for magic, and what he’s done with Velaris.
⭑ Having sad days and you don’t want to get out of bed, so Feyre curls up behind you and strokes your hair, while Rhys flutters about, making you tea and a hot bath.
⭑ Rhys taking you flying
⭑ Date nights are so fricken FUN. Dressing up and going out to dinner, dancing, or going to the cabin ...
⭑ Rhysand orders are very VERY large bed so the three of you can sleep comfortably
⭑ But you usually sleep in the middle with Rhys spooning you and Feyre facing you, her soft breath tickling your face
⭑ You bond with the High Lord and Ladies children, who have grown up at this point. Nyx is the eldest, who understands the dynamic and finds it interesting. But also very weird because duh, it’s his parents.
⭑ Being really good friends with Azriel, Amren, and Nesta. You understand their reserved nature.
⭑ Cassian loves throwing you over his shoulder and Nesta calls out, “YOU BE CAREFUL WITH HER!”
⭑ Feyre is usually the last one to wake up each morning
⭑ Rhys leaning against the doorway, his hands in his pockets and his eyes twinkling, “Hello Beautiful,” he purrs.
⭑ You and Feyre get tipsy together and Rhys comes home and he’s like, “oh god...” while pinching the bridge of his nose. And you both see him and squeal, “Rhyyyysssssss!!! We missed you!” And you both run and jump on him.
⭑ Feyre’s pet names for you are, ‘love,’ ‘my heart,’ ‘honey,’ and ‘sweetheart.’
Relationship Tropes:
Wild Chaotic (Feyre) x Awkward innocent (You) x Calm and Collected (Rhys)
Moon (Rhys) x Eclipse (Feyre) x Sun (You)
Tall (Rhys) x Smol (You) x Slightly Taller than Smol (Feyre)
NSFW🔞
minors dni!
⭑ You would be in the center of a lot of sexual encounters
⭑ Rhys and Feyre had dabbled in nearly every kind of sex over the centuries. So, they were excited to try it with a newcomer
⭑ Feyre was insatiable whenever you were around; her hands finding their way under your shirt, groping your breasts
⭑ They always respect your boundaries and want to hear what you want, what you like, and dislike.
⭑ Standing and Rhys is on your right side, Feyre on your left. They’re both kissing either side of your neck, your shoulders, your chest.
⭑ They never leave you out, or make you feel like you’re the third wheel. You’re the center of attention. They’ve lived with each other for centuries, so now you’re the highlight in their marriage.
⭑ You and Feyre like to get on your knees in front of Rhys and kiss, suck, and lick his cock and balls.
⭑ Rhysand loves sloppy head; where spit, and cum are smeared over your face, dribbling down your chin.
⭑ Nipple play. Both Rhys and Feyre like their nipples pulled and bitten. Especially Feyre.
⭑ Bathing together. Wedged between Feyre’s legs as you clean Rhysand’s wings, she massages your back, while Rhys rubs her knee.
#acotar#a court of thorns and roses#a court of thorns and roses fancast#a court of silver flames#a court of frost and starlight#a court of wings and ruin#feyre archeron#feyre archeron fancast#feyre#feyre archeron x reader#feyre archeron headcanons#feyre headcanons#feyre x reader#rhysand x reader#rhysand headcanons#polyamourous#poly#feyre x rhysand x reader#feyre x reader x rhysand#elain archeron#nesta archeron#amren#amren fancast#amren headcanons#the morrigan#cassian x reaader#cassian headcanons#azriel fancast#azriel spymaster#acotar moodboards
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Pen Pals
Chapter One: Welcome to the Internet
I feel like most girls who claimed they loved world history either had a hot history teacher or a Percy Jackson obsession. Well, I'm not like most girls. I had both. I may have been failing math, but when I tell you I was passing history with flying colors...
It was 2009: I was a freshman in high school and at 14 years old, I was very impressionable. Full disclosure: I was not groomed. Well, by my teacher at least. My history teacher wasn't like that weird, over-friendly coach with the students. He was just hot. Very incredibly boring, but hot by my standards as a 14-year-old who up until that point had only kissed two boys, but read some very questionable fan-fiction.
Our semester closed on the unit about World War II. It was the week of Christmas, we just finished our finals and we watched a movie I highly recommend called 'Pearl Harbor'.
That movie just kind of fueled my obsession with World War II. It's like those little kids who had a really nice nurse when they were sick and they grew up wanting to be nurses. I saw Ben Affleck in a WW 2 uniform and was fucking SET.
Now don't get me wrong, I actually enjoyed it besides the hot actors. I loved the stories. I loved the heroes. Second Lieutenant Audie L. Murphy: The most decorated soldier of the war. He was credited for killing over 200 Germans. Corporal Desmond Doss was a medic, never picked up a weapon and saved 75 men by lowering them down from a freaking cliff. I cry every time I watch his interviews and if you want to know his full story watch Hacksaw Ridge. Then there was Private Steven Grant Rogers. Started out as an E-1 and then promoted to a O-3 (or a Captain) and was renamed Captain America.
Just like how people think of Tom Brady when they think of the Super Bowl, I did the same thing when it came to Captain America and the war. Now, I don't want to say I idolized the man, but I did admire the hero.
My obsession made me major in History and later get a Master's in Conflict Management. Now, I was applying to one of the biggest companies in the nation: Stark Industries. Now, that was partly because I could not find a job anywhere and someone that I went to college with started working in HR and was able to get me an interview. It didn't have to do with anything pertaining to my degree, but it had been a while before I was able to find a job that paid this well.
I felt like I was running my sponsor dry with his support and I had applied several times to multiple colleges in the city. I mean I had a freaking Master's degree with intentions of pursuing my Doctorate for crying out loud and the best I could do was be a personal assistant.
I was going to be a secretary. Nothing important, but the pay was more than exceptional.
Stark Tower was intimidating to say the least. Over 90 floors and reflective glass windows. It hurt my neck to look directly up at it.
When I walked into the building, security instructed me what floor to go to. When I got there, I was greeted with an empty desk. I waited several minutes downstairs before a strawberry blonde woman with cute freckles came down to greet me. "Hi, you must be the secretary applicant." She smiled. "I'm Pepper Potts. So you're resume here is quite impressive and Harrison in HR highly recommended you."
"Yes, I was so excited when he told me you had a position available."
"Usually, I would be doing the interview, but I'm afraid I have to head out on some other business, so if you want to take the elevator to floor 82, Mr. Stark will be waiting."
"Of course." I said holding a folder that contained all the documents he requested I brought in.
"Hello, Mr. Stark." I greeted.
"You must be Pepper's replacement."
"Oh," I said. "Is she not-"
"She's been made COO." He clarified. "She can't leave that easily."
"Oh, good." I said. "She seemed really sweet."
"To you, yes. To me, I can't do anything. Don't put your life in danger, don't challenge terrorists." He mocked. "She's no fun." He walked further into what I assumed was a common room of sorts. It gave no indication that he lived on that floor. There was a full bar and it looked more of a place he hosted parties. "So tell me a bit about yourself." He began to pour himself a drink. "Something that isn't on your resume."
"Um, well, I'm taking a course in French and Greek right now. Just online classes, nothing too time consuming. I prefer dogs over cats because I think that its important if you die, for your pet to at least be sad and I am the first one in my family to live in New York, that I know of. I'm the first girl to graduate with their Master's. I plan on eventually getting my Doctorate, but not for a while. I don't like hot coffee and I'm terrified of snakes."
"Who would actually prefer cats over dogs?"
"Pepper?" I asked to which he laughed, even though it wasn't that funny.
"I like you." He took a sip of his drink. "It's not liquor. Pepper has this rule that alcohol should only be consumed during certain times of the day."
"I think 9:30 on a Monday is acceptable. I was debating on getting Mimosas after the interview if it went well."
"And if it didn't?" He asked.
"I would say tequila, but I got food poisoning from the limes once."
"Really?" He asked.
"Yeah," I said. "I had about 15 limes and felt terrible the next day."
"I prefer a good scotch myself."
"I like anything that doesn't taste like alcohol. I'm really impressed that a bottle of wine can cost thousands of dollar, but I guarantee it can't be as delicious as a Moscow mule."
"I haven't had a Moscow mule in forever." He said. "They were my go-to in college."
"Where did you go to school?" His response was to point at a wall that was covered in awards and accomplishments. "You went to Andover?" I asked looking at his degree.
"Seven years." He said. "I really liked the science department."
"I've given a few guest lectures there. It's a lovely school."
"What was the topic of discussion?"
"The North African campaign during World War 2, but specifically the Battle of Ramree Island."
"History nerd. Nice." Mr. Stark replied sarcastically when the elevator door dinged. "Speaking of historical nerds."
If my legs could have physically turned into jelly at that moment they would. None other than Steve Rogers walked in with a blonde following dutifully behind. "Tony."
"Capscicle and the ice queen." He whispered too low for them to hear.
"Rogers, meet our new secretary." Tony introduced and started to head toward the elevator.
"It is such an honor, Captain Rogers." I said taking his outstretched hand.
"Please, call me Steve." He insisted. The blonde beside him remained quiet and eyed me up and down with a stoic expression.
"Not that I'm trying to cut you off, but I'll let you two old ladies reminisce on the glory days." Tony clicked the elevator door and waited until it dinged opened. "I have somewhere to be. Congratulations. You got the job. Blah. Blah. Blah. Monday at 9, don't be late." He pressed a button I couldn't see and the doors began to close. "Or do. I really don't care, but if you're late, bring coffee."
"He's..." I began, but couldn't quite pick the right word.
"Arrogant." Steve finished.
"I was going to say interesting." I said.
"So what 'glory days' was Stark referring to?"
"Oh. I gave a few lectures about a few battles at the University he went to. Nothing exciting."
"Well Mrs.-"
"It's just Miss." I said. That was stupid. Why did I say that? That was rude to cut him off like that. "Sorry." I apologized. Why was I apologizing?
"Well, Ma'am. It looks like we'll be seeing you Monday morning. If you're late Tony gets a triple shot of espresso and a disgusting amount of sugar in it."
"Being late isn't really my style. My mother always said if you're not early, you're late." Why was a quoting my zealot mother right now. Jesus, stop it. Not like Jesus Jesus. You know what, never mind. "I think I can find my way out." I said.
The walk back home I felt my cheeks burn the entire time. I haven't even started and I'm already flustered. Jesus, get a grip.
Suddenly my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was him.
*So how did it go?*
*I got the job* I replied back.
*That's wonderful. I'm so proud of you* I couldn't deny the pride that swelled inside of me at his praise.
*Thank you, although I did make a complete ass out of myself*
*How so?*
*Well, my new boss introduced me to one of his partners and I felt like I made a fool of myself.* I typed. *Not partner in the sexual way, but someone he works with. He called Mrs. and I corrected him and said 'no it's just MIss' like it didn't even matter, he was just being polite. Then I quoted my mother. I was just flustered, but I start Monday.*
C didn't reply after that. We were supposed to have a date tonight so I'm sure he would just finish the conversation later. I had a caprese salad, but ate mostly the mozzarella. I showered, shaved and waited until I got a notification.
*Sorry. Something came up. Regardless, I think you'll do great.* I smiled at his message, but was disappointment that he was cancelling our date tonight. Well the closest thing we came to date nights which usually ended in me being in an unsavory position.
Initially, C and I met on a chat forum in 2016. I was working on my senior seminar and had sort of an open ended question regarding the war. It was something along the lines of taking the notion that if a war on that scale were to happen in today's world in what ways would American citizens contribute to the war effort at home? Back in the 40s most companies like Ford made strictly military equipment. It was an honor to have a government contract whereas now it's more like any other business deal.
I received a lot of interesting responses, but a user named CR0876 replied that shifting the current American ideal of self-preservation to what we had before which was sacrificing for your country was the only way in which today's America could possibly aid in a war. I messaged CR0876 to further discuss the topic.
He wrote me: All I am saying is we now live in a day and age where you have people who won't vaccinate their children simply because they choose not to. They don't have an issue with you vaccinating your kids, but not theirs. We eradicated some of the deadliest diseases that are still present in some third-world nations and you have entitled people who don't trust science to preserve the health and well-being of not only their children, but everyone they come in contact with. The reason that our life expectancy has shot up isn't because of ground breaking medical break throughs like chemotherapy, it is for preventative measures. Getting vaccinated. Getting checkups. Wearing sunscreen. Washing your hands after wiping your ass.
A few minutes later he sent an apology for getting so riled up in his rant and I told him that no apology was needed and I completely agreed with him. From then on our friendship started to blossom.
Most of our conversations had something to do involving the war, but then it got more personal. I felt comfortable with him. I talked about my time at college and what I was studying. We went from a few messages a week to communicating everyday. Eventually when graduation came around, I offered him a graduation ticket. I was a little disappointed to find out it was too far for him to travel. He asked for my mailing address. That he felt guilty for missing such a big event and he wanted to make it up to me. I was a little apprehensive. I mean, we were taught to never give your stranger your address, but I was an RA in a college dorm. I would be out into the real world soon and he wouldn't know my room number or what I looked like.
So I sent it.
A few weeks passed and I got a pair of beautiful pearl earrings with a card that read. A beautiful girl always needs a set of beautiful pearls. Congratulations on all of your hard work. -C
Four and a half years later and I still have that card. We still talk about the war. I recommend him movies, while he recommends books then we both point on the inconsistencies. It was stupid, but it was fun. Now, I just sort of tell him about my day to day life and he tells me small tidbits about his. It was earlier in 2020 when the pandemic hit that things started to get... well things just changed.
I had just moved to New York in early February to start teaching at a local college. I was going to start with May-mester classes, but then Covid hit and the world stopped.
I had moved in with little to nothing. I had a few pieces of stuff for the kitchen and a bed. It wasn't much, but it was mine and I was damn proud of it.
My pride was short lived when I got the e-mail. In a panic, I sent him a message.
Hey can you talk?
Sure. What's up?
Is there anyway you can call me? I'm kind of in a bad place right now and I really don't have anyone else to talk to. I felt guilty as soon as I hit the send button. I'm not like going to hurt myself or anything I am just super stressed and if you have the time and energy, I just need to unload some stuff.
Seconds later my phone began to ring.
"What's wrong?" He asked. I took a deep breath. I can't believe this was the first time hearing his voice. It wasn't what I was expecting. I expected almost a pompous scholarly tone in his voice. But instead he was borderline on being batman. His voice was deep.
"They rescinded my offer." I took a deep breath. "I just spent all of my savings literally to move to this stupid freaking city and they told me over an e-mail 'we are sorry to inform you that your offer for employment has been rescinded until further notice due to the impending pandemic and the unforeseeable circumstances it holds. We deeply apologize for the inconvenience and wish you the best in your future endeavors.' They said sorry and good luck."
There was a pause and I heard him sigh. "Sweetheart, I am so sorry."
"Thanks." I rubbed the back of my neck. "Looks like that chapter closed before it got any good. I guess I can see if maybe I can do virtual learning for a high school, but I don't know if my degree is enough. I think you need an education degree to teach."
"But you always wanted to teach college..." His disappointment matched mine.
"I know..." I looked down at nearly clear streets of New York. "But I need a job, C." I sighed. "It's either that or call my parents and I would literally rather be homeless than ask them for help."
"How much?"
"What do you mean?"
"How much was your job going to pay you?"
"80k a year starting." I said and felt another wave of nausea wash over me. 80k wasn't much to some, but it was a lot for me and it would be doing something I loved.
"Tell you what, that is about 6 and a half grand a month. I will pay you 7 grand a month if you promise me not to give up."
"What?" I couldn't believe this. "There is absolutely no way I could ever accept that kind of money."
"It's not like I don't have it, Princess." He can't be serious. That's crazy. He never mentioned having money or being well off.
"And what do you want in return?" The butterflies in my stomach began to churn. God I hope he wasn't wanting to do anything... unethical. "Surely you wouldn't do that just because you want me to be a college professor."
"Nothing." He said. "Absolutely nothing. I just want you to be taken care of and pursue your dream."
"I really can't let you do that."
"It's only temporary." He tried to assure me, but I still felt guilty.
"C-" He was always so argumentative and authoritative over messaging and he matched it over the phone.
"I promise." He interrupted. "It won't put a dent in my wallet."
"Only until I have a full-time job." I tried to say.
"Until you become a professor."
"No," I said. "As soon as I get a job and can support myself."
"Sweetheart, it's not polite to argue."
"I appreciate it." I said. "I really do."
"So does that make your day a little bit better?" He asked.
"It does."
"Anything else gone wrong you need help fixing?"
"No." I responded and felt like a child and and adult came up to fix the mess I had made.
"Good." I heard him sigh. "I'm glad that was easy to fix and now, that I got you on the phone... it's nice to finally hear your voice."
Chapter Two: Confessions
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this is a really long post and you dont have to read it, its more of a word vomit towards the end but its really detailing my experiences with 5sos c: (its kind of sad but it means a lot to me that i finally put this into words)
i love 5sos. like a lot more than i could put into words. i have such a long and extensive history with this band that its just so much, like.
ive been a fan of 5sos since july 15th, 2014. i was 5/6 years old sitting on the front porch of my grandma's house with this girl i was friends with. she showed me some of their songs and i was in love.
i didnt stop listening to them for years, they were my everything. idols, best friends, family, everything. and the only reason i stopped listening to them ever is because of some really heavy traumatic events that happened to me when i was 8-10 years old.
fast forward a few years, i start dating this guy. this guy really liked 5sos, he got me back into 5sos. my brain was so traumatized, it blocked out most of my memories with this band, with the fans of this band, etc. and him getting me to listen to their entire discography? yeah that brought them flooding back.
yet i still stayed, with him and the band again. this guy became really toxic. we argued every night, he blatantly ignored my needs, he got mad at me for getting more 5sos streams than him, he made fun of me for only listening to their old stuff. he acted like i hadnt told him, "hey, some really fucked up things happened to me in 2014-2016 and i forgot pretty much everything from those years so i kind of obsess over them"
but me and this guy were ldr, my mom took my phone, i texted him through a friends' phone. he starts cheating on me. i come back, my mom is having heart surgery, and he tells me i have to break up with him.
so i do.
i break up with him, i go through the shit, i get pissed off, i get upset, i cry. i cry a LOT. and for a bit i didnt listen to 5sos. and then i get back into 5sos, because im not gonna change who i am at my very core because some idiot guy who was 'there first' made it about him. i'll make it about me again, i will obsess over it, i will go back to being six years old crying on the front porch with my best friend. i will go back to being a kid who didnt know why people didnt like her.
and i did. im back there, im who six year old me dreamed of being. sure, i have my days where the only thing i can do is cry and try not to hurl myself down a flight of stairs, but im still here arent i? ive made it to the age i always dreamed about being, havent i? im still absolutely in love with the same exact bands, the same exact places, the same exact aesthetics.
5sos is why im me, like that is such a beautiful and poetic thing to me. im still here because of a band, im still here because some guys that at the time were across the world gave me some motivation to keep going? of course im gonna love them. of course im gonna advertise the shit out of them. of course im gonna know every detail i possibly can about them.
like, i mean yeah, i took a little break. but i was forced to by my own brain. and even then, what helped me start healing form that trauma? 5sos. what helped me start healing from that breakup? 5sos.
tw for s/h + suicidal stuff under the cut! its nothing bad bad, just mentions attempts and stuff but its talking about getting better :3 tl;dr in bottom of the cut!
its so weird to say that "this guy who doesnt even know i exist, saved my life" but its true sometimes. like i was in such a bad place when i was younger that i couldnt function. yearly, i was being checked into psych wards. they never helped. i tried therapy, i tried medication. nothing worked.
and then 5sos came back into my life and i finally felt whole again. i finally felt like i was me again. i had been self harming since i was in the third grade, and once you cope like that for so long, its really hard to stop.
but i finally made the decision to get clean, i finally said "enough is enough, i dont want to be like this anymore. i wanna live and be healthy, i wanna live and be happy, i wanna wear shorts, i wanna wear skirts, i wanna wear short sleeves and tanks, i want to wear dresses without sleeves that show my thighs a little. and would ashton or luke or michael or calum really want me to do this to myself? no, no they wouldnt, get your shit together era."
and so i did? i got it together, i made my life work. i started looking for the good again, i started behaving like a little kid that knew no bounds again, i started acting my age. i started loving me again. and thats powerful? thats metal as fuck.
the app that i use to track my clean streak has a section for "reasons to stay clean" i have pictures of my friends, my animals, and most importantly, the guys that finally inspired me to pick myself up off the floor and put myself back together.
because i did, i really had to scrounge up the broken pieces. i really had to dig deep and try and piece them back together. and it took work, and im still working on it. and even though ive been clean from s/h for three months, the urges are still there and every time theres just that little voice in my head that takes on ashton's that goes "hey dont, its not the right way." and every time i feel like the world is over, like i dont have anything else, it's always just a reminder.
there will be something else, no matter what theres gonna be something else. no matter what, the suns gonna rise again. no matter what, something good will come of all your pain, all your struggles, all your heartbreak, all the tears. the sleepless nights, the trauma, the guilt, the anger, the fear, the sadness, all of it. it means youre human, it means youre alive. it means good things are gonna happen, you just gotta wait for it. you gotta pick yourself up and keep going. keep fighting, keep running, keep walking. hell if you have to, keep crawling. keep crawling while youre crying. dont look back, youre not going that way. think of how far your faves have come, think of how your younger self wants to know what theyre gonna grow up to be. think.
its not over, it will never be over. pain is human, youre human. youre experiencing life as it was meant to be experienced, its okay to have off days.
tl;dr 5sos + me have been together since i was six and ashton irwin has quite literally kept me alive and from destroying myself mentally and physically for nearly ten years. cool beans bro
#5sos#5 seconds of summer#5sosfam#luke 5sos#ashton 5sos#calum 5sos#michael 5sos#luke hemmings#ashton irwin#calum hood#michael clifford#word vomit#stream of consciousness#late night thoughts#era talks about 5sos saving her life for the second time#era's blog#era posting#-era
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