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0nlythrowharrybeaux · 3 months

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Wonderful World - Part 21**

Thanks for your patience with this one! Finally got around to finishing it! Series Masterlist

Warnings: Mentions of grief, different topics relating to pregnancy, disowning, unprotected sex, oral (fem receiving), fingering, cum play

WC: 10.1k

The Christmas holiday had been wonderful with Harry’s parents, Paul and Catherine. They were both so kind and warm towards her, Celeste, and Damian. Harry’s mom, Catherine, absolutely loved Disneyland, she even left with a pair of ears on her head that matched with Diana and Celeste’s. She had also taken a lot of care in getting to know Diana better, she would talk to her more than Harry at times. But Diana understood that she just wanted to get a feel for her and what her intentions were with her son. She did mentioned to Diana how much she loved to see Harry with Celeste; she brought a side out of him that she loved to see from her son. It brought a closeness between Catherine and Diana and even Damian, who had served as the sole paternal figure of sorts for Celeste until Harry came along into their lives.

Harry’s instinct about Celeste and his dad getting on well was correct. He, Celeste, and Paul did have a jam session or two during their visit. Paul was so smart and gentle, like Harry. It was evident to her that he really wanted to nourish his relationship with Harry and they spent a lot of time together when they didn’t have plans with Diana and her family.

Harry shared with her that he had of course explained to them how they were proceeding with sharing their relationship with Celeste soon. They had decided to do so after the New Year, they’d have breakfast and talk about it with her. And he told Diana that his parents were very insightful and offered him some advice about how to proceed in this relationship, which Harry took to heart because he truly wanted the relationship to succeed with Diana.

************

Damian had started to join Harry for his workout sessions while he was in town and it gave them a chance to get to know each other better as well. Harry had learned a lot about Damian and Diana’s family, their dynamic, and of course with her permission, Damian shared a lot of the things that were a bit harder for her to share with others about her family life growing up. Damian of course, wanted to ensure that he wasn’t giving Harry the lowdown on his sister for nothing at all, so as they had some coffee after their workout he decided to bring this up.

“Hey, so obviously I think you’re a great guy and you’ve really come through for Di and Celeste.”

“Yeah, it’s been wonderful to do so.” Harry assured.

“Yeah? Not too crazy?” Damian asked with a smile.

“I mean, a little crazy at times…” he confessed, “But not in a bad way at all.” He smiled.

“Well thank you for sticking around.”

“I said I’d do my best to.” He reminded and Damian smiled.

“So this whole thing with Di? I mean you think it’s the real deal?” He asked and Harry nodded.

“Oh definitely.” He smiled, “I’ve never felt more complete or happy with the way things are going with her. And now that Celeste is more or less wanting this to happen between us, it seems like the perfect time to give it a real shot. We’ve talked about it, what we want, and we’re on the same page.”

“And what is that?”

“We want to have a life together eventually. We want our relationship to progress as normally as possible, no rushing into anything just because the feelings are there, you know?”Damian nodded, “Obviously, her life is already established with Celeste and we also don’t want to make abrupt changes. Like we’re still gonna have our own places, keep our relationship as private as possible so that we can work on things together without any pressure from Celeste-”

“Good call. She is eager for you two to get together.” He chuckled and Harry did as well.

“I know…we’re going to tell her after New Year’s. Just going to have a proper chat with her about it and share what we want. What boundaries we’re going to have, that sort of thing.”

“Good. She can be real meddlesome…” Damian chuckled, “Especially if she’s invested.”

“Oh, I am aware…” Harry smiled. “But yeah, this is not just a placeholder for me. This is what I want. I mean, I didn’t know it until it was happening that I was…missing something, you know?”

“I ummm…I don’t actually. Not yet, at least.” Damian admitted with a bit of embarrassment.

“That’s alright. I mean, is it something you want?” He asked and Damian smiled.

“Not yet…or like, I haven’t felt that yet. Ever.”

“You’ve never had your heart broken?” Harry asked and Damian shook his head.

“Nope, never…”

“Really?” He asked in a bit of disbelief.

“Yeah…” Damian chuckled, “I have had a lot of relationships and it’s not like I never cared about those people but I just don’t…want everything else. And of course, the women I’m with think they’ll change my mind if they take good care of me and all…and when it comes up and I tell them that nothing has changed for me, they get hurt and so I…feel like an ass.”

“Some people are just meant to be alone, you know?”

“Well, I’m the heir to my parents’ empire, they expect me to have an heir of my own so…that’s where it gets a bit weird.” He chuckled and Harry nodded in understanding.

“And Di is just, completely out of the picture?” He asked.

“Oh yeah…I mean, after what happened at your practice my mom said herself that she would always hold that against her. She’s never broken a promise to me in my entire life so…”

“Fuck…I’m so sorry.”

“No, don’t be. You were right in what you did. No one as ever stood up to her or ever called her out for any of it except Diana. My dad isn’t like that but he…he’d rather not go up against her. She’s the boss.” He chuckled.

“Women are always the boss.” Harry smiled.

“They are smarter…” Damian confessed, “There’s this woman from our branch in Spain? Lola.” He smiled and Harry nodded, “She’s just an assistant but man is she fucking brilliant.” He smiled, “Her boss, our chief marketing strategist for that branch, runs all his ideas by her. I overheard it once before a big board meeting. She was explaining to him what it was he needed to say. After the meeting, which he totally rocked, I approached her about it, she played dumb…I told her I saw and overheard it as they were prepping and I offered a new job and a raise and she turned it down. Said she was happy doing what she was doing. Says it every time I bring it up to her.”

“Do you like her?” Harry asked.

“She’s fascinating but no. Kind of reminds me of Di, so I look out for her a lot.” He explained, “She’s fucking brilliant, you know? Diana got into Columbia all on her own.”

“Yeah, she told me about that.” Harry smiled.

“I know she’s been through a lot of shit but sometimes I wonder what her life would be like if none of it would have happened, you know? Where would she be? Where would I be?”

“Where do you think she’d be?”

“In Mexico City, buried beneath a mountain of HR paperwork at our corporation’s HQ.” He said and Harry couldn’t envision that. “She got accepted into the Business Management concentration at Columbia, very competitive as an undergrad. She minored in psychology, wanted to do things along the social psychology area though and then do graduate work in HR Management. She didn’t want to be in the business. But there was a whole fucking plan, obviously, it wasn’t really her plan…” Damian explained, “It’s what she was expected to do. So she had to spin it in a way in which she could still do something she cared about so that she could…survive. I mean, she’s always loved and cared for people, so I think she would’ve been alright going down that route for a bit. But I think she would’ve been put in challenging situations that made her choose things that in her eyes weren’t right. And I don’t know if I’m awful for saying this, but as much pain as she’s experienced, maybe it was for the best? Because she would be so miserable. Absolutely hate her life if it were anything other than this…” Damian said, “She’s happy now, doing something she loves.”

“How’d she get into the whole Spanish thing?”

“Well in terms of our culture, she’s always loved it, since we were kids. She was taking a class at Columbia about Latin American culture as an elective and well, when she transferred to another school she just stuck with that because she really liked it. I supposed it was also a comfort thing for her. There was so much pain and uncertainty in her life at that time that it was easier to stick to something she knew well and was familiar with, you know?”

“Yeah, that makes sense.” Harry hummed, “But I think you’re right, she’s much happier doing what she loves, free to choose for herself than to be stuck doing something she hates. And well, we would’t have Celeste…” Harry said.

“Exactly. I think everything happens for a reason. And well, my sister’s life had gone according to my parents’ plan until she refused to terminate her pregnancy. She lost a lot, but she gained her freedom and found herself and I think that’s the most important thing to her anyway. And well, ultimately all of those things led you two together, which also has been great for her and Celeste. So I have to believe it all happened how it was supposed to.”

“Who knows, but I assure you that as long as she wants me in her life, I will be here and I will take care of her and Celeste.”

“I know you will. I trust you with them, that’s big for me.” Damian shared.

“Well thank you for trusting me.”

“You’ve earned it.” Damian assured. “If I knew that my family could be…different, I think I would be more open to marriage and kids…but my parents are just great at…sucking the life out of everything. I don’t want to bring anyone into that. Seems very irresponsible to me.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Harry nodded, “It’s why I never wanted kids of my own.”

“Your sweet old parents traumatized you?!” Damian asked in surprise and Harry chuckled.

“I think all of our parents traumatize us in a way. They’re wonderful people, don’t get me wrong, but when you’re a child you just want them around. And I grew up feeling like they loved their work more than me. And being the child of two renowned psychiatrists brings a crippling self awareness at a very young age.” He chuckled, “I viewed my parents exactly as they are from a very young age. Just regular, flawed people who made good and bad choices, like everyone else…” he sighed, “And I was resentful for a long time. The idea of coming to America, not wanting to have kids, that was initially born out of spite for them. Like Diana, I wanted my freedom. But as I got older and I fell in love with the field for myself I realized that my plan to leave and not reproduce was still what I wanted, just my intentions were wrong before. I didn’t and still don’t want to take on the legacy of what they’ve built across Europe. I think it’s great, but they hardly get to practice, which is where my heart lies. I’ve poured myself into my work and that wouldn’t be fair to my partner or my child, you know?”

“Exactly!” Damian agreed with enthusiasm, “I felt like my work with the family was an obligation before but when I delved in I fell in love with it. And I’m good at it, better than my father is. I want to make it better and that requires a lot of my time and dedication.” He said, “So, did your mind change about what you wanted? Like do you want to have kids now? With my sister?”

“Oh no, I also just don’t like babies.” Harry confessed and Damian chuckled but nodded. “Diana and I are on the same page with that. We’ve checked in again about it because well, we’re not getting any younger.” Harry shrugged, “But ummm, yeah she doesn’t want that and I don’t either. Celeste is enough for the both of us.”

“I think Di might also be a bit…traumatized about pregnancy and babies and that kind of thing. I mean, she did it all on her own, I was there when I could be, which she overestimates. I should’ve just moved back here t-to help her out more…I’ll always regret that.” He said and Harry frowned but nodded, “She just had such a hard time that I think if she did it again, even with a partner it would just fuck her up for a bit.”

“Yeah, understandably so.” Harry agreed, “I mean, at the end of the day I think we just want to make each other happy and we both agree that we don’t need that to be happy. We’ve not chosen ourselves for a long time, so this is for us. Just for us.” Harry smiled.

“Good. That’s good…” Damian smiled.

****************

The New Year came and went and Diana got a bit too nervous about telling Celeste about her and Harry. So she spoke to him and they postponed it and gave themselves one more week, and boy was that week becoming very challenging for Diana…

Specially after spending the holidays with Harry’s family, Celeste was more pushy than ever. Diana’s anxiety was getting even more out of hand. She had never known Celeste to be this defiant with her over something, but she was constantly having to ask her to please stop meddling in what she wanted for her future. But it seemed that Celeste wasn’t understanding the havoc it was wreaking on Diana’s emotions. To Celeste it seemed like playful teasing or something, but to Diana it felt suffocating.

Diana was aware that she had major abandonment issues, not just because of Wesley’s passing, but from the way her parents distanced themselves from her so suddenly, and then from Wesley’s parents as well; the people who had loved her so much and treated her like their own with such warmth and kindness. She hoped to find comfort with them, to be able to grieve with them and to count on them for support with Celeste. After all, she was their grand daughter, but his parents never really recovered from the loss and also cut off all contact. All of Celeste’s persistence was making her feel trapped and afraid of what she wanted with Harry. What if something happened to him too? That was the fear that prevented her from letting people in for all these years and it had been growing steadily and had just reached it’s boiling point.

“Baby, what’s the matter?” Harry asked Diana as he pulled her into his arms as she sobbed hard. He walked them back inside her house where it was warm. It was nearly 2am and freezing cold outside and he didn’t want her getting sick right before school started. But she just cried and cried for several minutes in his arms. Celeste was gone at a sleepover at Geri’s, so thankfully, no one was home but them two and she could say everything she wanted to say, so she did.

She told him how Celeste kept pushing her and it was making her nervous about her not respecting the boundaries they wanted to set. She told him about how she considered backing out and staying alone instead of being with him how she wanted to because it would just be easier. She told him how she feared for her heart, how she feared another loss, how she feared letting their lives entangle even deeper. She shared the internal war she was at with her head and her heart. She shared her anxieties, her hopes, and her desires. She had poured her heart out to him in a way she never had before. It was chaotic and painful, but it was also extremely vulnerable and motivated by her need for love. Not just any love, his love. She needed to know that he could still love her through all of this and most importantly, be patient with her.

It was essentially a verbal brain dump, he couldn’t take any of her feelings too personally. All of her fears were valid and he couldn’t even guarantee to her that he wouldn’t abandon her in the way she feared, that was completely out of his control. Of course, voluntarily, he would be there for as long as he could be, but sometimes shit happens and accidents happen and there’s no way to prevent that, as she had experienced already. But Harry could see that she didn’t want to give up, she was just feeling so pressured and overwhelmed. Obviously, Harry knew that Celeste didn’t intend to be badgering her mom, she just wanted to know, to be let in, probably even to gush over her love life with her the way Diana had done with her over Ben. Diana also expressed that she just couldn’t blow up on Celeste over this, she wasn’t being rude or anything, but even as Diana kindly tried to emphasize that she just needed privacy to deal with this for a bit, Celeste was stubborn.

“-it’ just feels like a lot emotionally, you know?” She sighed before inhaling shakily and he squeezed her had, his thumb running over her knuckles soothingly.

“Yeah, it is, love.”

“I just don’t know if it’s fair to you that I’m so…flighty.” She frowned and he smiled.

“Love, the last thing you are is flighty.” He assured, “You are so consistent and responsible, and on top of your things. And this is an area of your life which you haven’t really explored or prioritized in a while, you know? So it’s going to take some getting used to, yeah?”

“Yeah.” She mumbled, “You make me so happy. But I’m still terrified of just getting it out there.” She explained.

“I’m scared too.” He confessed, “But I trust you with my heart. I don’t know what life will throw at us at any point, but I do believe that you will always have my best interest at heart. And I promise I too have your best interest at heart.”

“I do and I know you do too.” she confirmed, “I feel the same about you. I’m just afraid to really let myself feel happy about this because I…I just don’t want our time t-to be cut short.”

“Oh my love, c’mere.” He hummed and she nestled herself into his arms. Her back rested against his chest as he kissed the side of her head. “You can’t think like that all the time.” He advised, “Think of all the time we’ll have instead versus the time we won’t have. Better to enjoy everything now, day by day, yeah? Focus on the memories we get to make and how our relationship will grow and keep getting better?”

“You’re right.” She responded. The feeling of his chest rising and falling with his breaths made Diana feel more present. “Thank you for coming over and listening to all this. It can’t be easy to hear it.”

“I’ll always listen to how you feel, Di. Love you.”

“I love you too.” She responded and he kissed her head again. They just sat like that together in the silence for a little bit, “Wanna stay with me?” She asked quietly, she was a bit shy to ask but she didn’t want him to go now that he was here.

“Yeah, baby. I’ll stay with you.” He smiled through his confirmation.

Soon enough they were heading up the stairs and into her bedroom. It was a bit colder in her room with the big glass doors not providing too much insulation, but that was alright with him, if they got cold they could just cuddle up closer. He climbed into the side of the bed opposite she slept on and soon they were facing each other, her face was buried in his neck. Her soft breaths were tickling his skin as he smoothed his hand up and down the curve of her hip. Then Harry felt her lips pucker up right at the base of his jaw and he smiled. She then did it again before sucking gently.

“Is this alright?” She mumbled into his heated skin and he swallowed.

“Yeah, baby.” He barely got out before her soft sucks against the sensitive skin of his neck started to make all of the excitement swirl up in his tummy. His fingers were now holding tight to her as her sucks intensified. She was leaving a mark and that made him run absolutely wild. After a few more seconds she pulled off and kissed up his jaw, pecking right at the corner of his lip.

“Cheeky girl.” He hummed and she smiled.

“I’ve missed you.” She whispered. Diana was still a bit timid to fully initiate sex with him, she was working up to it, hoping he’d ask first.

“Really? It’s only been a few days…” he teased and she grinned.

“I can’t help it.” She shrugged and he chuckled, “You didn’t miss me?” She asked and he hummed playfully, “Be nice to me…” she mumbled which made Harry kiss her forehead.

“Course I did, baby. You’re constantly on my mind if you’re not close by.” He confirmed softly and she nuzzled closer to him, “Mmmm baby, how do I say ‘kiss me’ in Spanish?” He hummed inquisitively and she grinned as she reared back a bit to try and get some sort of a glimpse of him despite the darkness.

“Se dice, ‘bésame’.” She said quietly, her lips nearly skimming his own. Harry grinned and in a quick and smooth movement he had her under him. One of his big, warm hands was holding her face as he dipped down. His lips tickling and skimming against her own from how close they were.

“Bésame.” He whispered. She could practically taste him saying the words and forming them with his lips.

Diana let out a breathy exhale as she arched up while tugging him down to allow their eager mouths to meet. From the get-go the kiss was intense. His hips were pressing against hers, she could feel him steadily growing in his pants as they continued smearing their lips together with the same urgency of two teenagers who could get caught at any second. Her hands were roaming the expanse of his back, feeling up his muscular physique to her heart’s content.

“Get this off.” she muttered as she tugged at his shirt and Harry knelt up and stripped it off his body swiftly. She raised her arms up and he pulled her top off as well. He dipped down and pecked her quickly before sinking lower and sucking one of her nipples between his lips as his hand came up and grabbed her other breast. He kneaded her soft skin in his hands before sucking over that nipple as well. He loved to hear her whimpering beneath him, humping up against his muscular thigh in desperate need of some friction.

“Want me to inside you?” He asked gruffly.

“Yes, baby. Please…” she moaned and he kissed her deeply and rolled off of her to get undressed the rest of the way. He then helped her out and right before he could get his mouth on her she was pulling him up by the hair. “Do that later.” She panted and he grinned before kissing her as she reached down to find his erection and line it up with her entrance.

“Damn baby, so fucking wet f’me.” He panted and he felt his cock basking in the slick warmth between her legs. “Shit…Can I put it in, love?”

“Yeah baby, put it in.” She sighed with urgency.

With her confirmation, Harry snapped his hips up and his thick head pushed into her entrance and she inhaled sharply as her fingernails dug into his bare back. Harry groaned in response and breathed in her shaky exhales as he rolled his hips down against hers. His cock was sliding through her tight walls at the perfect pace. In and out. In and out. Delving in deep and reaching spots that were making her tingle and then moan his name. He gradually started going a bit harder and deeper with each thrust; he loved the sound of their bodies meeting, soft wet sounds that he wanted engraved into his memory forever and ever.

“Shit, you feel so good around my big cock…” he grunted and Diana whimpered and clamped her walls down around him, “You want more, don’t you?” He grinned and she nodded and he took that as his cue to fuck into her harder than before. He was pounding her so deep that her bed frame was creaking beneath them. And soon a rhythmic thumping against the wall in perfect time with his deep grunts joined in the symphony of their gentle and desperate sin. His moans and soft sounds of satisfaction were making Diana’s brain melt to mush. She gasped and her back started arched up when Harry rubbed into her clit, it was all swollen and slippery with a blend of their arousal. He was enjoying watching her eyes roll back and then squeeze shut; he loved watching her lose herself in him. “Fuck baby, you’re right there, aren’t you? Gonna come on my cock?”

“Yeah, Harry…fuck ju-just a little bit faster!” She mewled her request and he picked up the pace and in moments he felt her walls suffocating his cock, creating the most wonderful feeling around him. It felt as though he was being pulled deeper into her and he moaned and even went a little lightheaded as he allowed his hips to move however he needed to get him off. Harry’s desperation for his own orgasm was pushing her over that coveted precipice. And finally, she tipped over the edge. Her entire body was vibrating with ecstasy as the rush of pleasure crashed over her and rolled her in its currents. Her skin was covered in goosebumps, her inhales were shallow, and her moans melodious as the feelings pumped through her veins. She felt her ears ringing as the pleasure reached the top of her head, her body was completely tense as she hung on to the feeling for as long as she could.

“Oh fuck, baby…shit, I’m gonna come!” He groaned. He pounded away into her a couple more times, feeling her writhing beneath his body as his pulsing balls drew up tight, getting ready to unload his hot cum deep inside of her, “Fuck baby, there it is…Fuuuck yes.” He moaned as he pressed deep inside of her as he filled her up with gush after gush of his sperm. She grabbed his face and kissed him deeply as he fell over her. They kissed until they started getting all hot and bothered again.

Their make out session was heated and needy. He didn’t dare pull out of her yet, he wasn’t even going completely soft, so he was tucked into her, keeping them connected until he mumbled that he wanted to go down on her. He kissed all the way down to her swollen and glistening folds and licked at her clit and made her come a couple times with his fingers nestled against her g-spot. He was fucking his load of sperm back into her pussy with them until she was trembling and nearly incoherent, begging him to stop. He kissed back up her body and locked lips with hers, letting her taste the lovely mess they’d made together. They were both sweaty heaps catching their breaths on Diana’s bed. Her fingers were raking through his sweaty, brown curls while he kissed up and down the inside of her fore arm.

“You’re so hot.” She whispered with a grin and his lips twitched up in a smirk.

“Thank you. So are you, baby.” He hummed back.

“You’re too good at what you do, Harry…why are you so good at sex?” She asked and he chuckled.

“I’m only interested in being good at everything I do, not just sex.” He said smugly and she smiled. “But I’m glad you think I’m good at it. Want to be good for you.” He hummed and she smiled as she kissed his damp curls.

“Should we have a shower?”

“Yeah, baby.” He hummed and he told her to go ahead while he stripped the bed and put everything in the washer before he joined her. That had at least given her time to wash her hair. She was able to finish up before him and get some new sheets out. He soon joined her and helped her set up the bed again before they got dressed and cuddled against each other, both of them shivering as they adjusted to the temperature.

“I think we should talk to Celeste tomorrow. You can pick her up from Geri’s and I can make us some early dinner. Or vice versa.” She said and he nodded.

“Yeah, we can do that. Can I bring Misty tomorrow? Don’t want to leave her alone all day.”

“Yeah, fine…as long as she doesn’t come in here, cat hair’s the worst.” She said and he hummed.

“Well you’re in luck, she’s hypoallergenic!”

“They still shed…”

“Minimally, love.” He said and she sighed, “You still scared of her?”

“I always will be.” She admitted and she chuckled and kissed her shoulder. “She can be around though, Celeste loves her.”

“OK, love.”

“So how are we gonna do this, logistically speaking? Maybe Celeste must have plans at least once a month so we can have a couple days during the escape room weekends.”

“Oh, that’s brilliant…” he mused.

“I know, huh? I’ve had lots of time to think about it.” She smiled.

“My parents really loved you and Celeste, you know?”

“Yeah?”

“Mhmmm, but now my mom’s even more bummed about the no babies thing.” He said and she giggled, “Said they’d look like little angels…I think she’s right, they’d be real cute.” He hummed and she smiled.

“Yeah, I think so too…” she hummed.

“Do you think you’d ever change your mind?” He asked and she hummed.

“Maybe…but just pregnancy is not something I want to do again. I think it was just such a dark time in my life that like…I feel like it would emotionally make me or break me.” She explained. “I know before I mentioned just not wanting to have a baby again…but it’s more complicated than that. I think…I mean, I have thought about it, if we had kids. I think we’re both mature enough and of sound mind…” she explained and he smiled, “And I know it would be very different this time around in terms of the level of support I’d have. But physically I think I would have a hard time with it, just because of before. I think my body would react badly to a pregnancy, like I just feel it in my gut.” She explained, “And I mean, I feel like I have everything I want and need, so I would hate to put myself and risk and not be there for Celeste. You know?”

“Yeah, of course. And I mean, pregnancy was very emotionally traumatic for you. I get that, love.”

“D-do you see yourself changing your mind about this?” She asked him nervously.

“I could, but only if you really wanted it. I don’t think we would be missing out at all if we don’t have a baby. Besides, if Grace gets pregnant then we’ll have a baby around for quite a while…we could share with them, they’re such going-out types, I’m sure we’d be the default babysitters. And I’m certain a few hours with the baby would be more than enough to keep us set in our decision to not have our own baby.” He shared and she laughed a bit.

“Yeah, that’s true…I just don’t want to make you not have something because of my bad experience, you know?”

“Well thank you for thinking of me, but I assure you, we both make that decision here, but you hold the most weight to it. Honestly, I have what I need with you and Celeste, I don’t need anything else.” He assured her.

“What if we get a dog? A small one though? They can play with Misty.”

“Yeah, I like dogs.” He smiled.

“More than cats?” She asked and he chuckled.

“Admittedly, yes. Cats can be very temperamental, but I got so lucky with Misty, she’s such an easy one.”

“She really is…she’s quite similar to you actually, even tempered, easygoing, energetic, a little clingy…”

“Am I?” He smiled and she giggled and nodded.

“Yeah, but I like it.” She assured him, “It’s nice to have someone around who wants to be around, you know?”

“Yeah, definitely.” He smiled.

“Can I ask you something? We don’t have to talk about if you don’t want, but ummm, what about Rebecca? Like is that something that still bothers you? Or is it fine now?”

“Like the cheating or the baby?” He asked.

“Both, I guess…”

“Well, the cheating I got over. I think if I had been a lot more in love with her it would have been a lot harder to deal with. But like, we were trying really hard to make it work and to be happy, almost forcing it to work, you know? By then I had already…started to be interested in you, I mean, well you know that.” He smiled bashfully and she hummed. “So yeah, I was just more upset that she was feeling the strain and never said anything to me and let it get to that point. I mean, I was trying to make it work, but maybe I should’ve said something first?” He explained and she nodded. “And with the baby…I mean, I’m happy for her. It seems that Eddie brought out a more relaxed side of her, which is good.” Harry said. “It did kind of send me into an existential spiral at first…made me wonder if maybe I just wasn’t good enough for her. Like I personally don’t prefer to have kids, but I thought I was gonna marry her so I was like “sure, if you really want ‘em with me”. But ummm, I just felt a bit inadequate for a minute there.”

“Have you talked since?” Diana asked him.

“Yeah, a couple of times. Mostly to refer some of her clients for evaluations or services, or to be an expert witness…have that coming up soon.”

“Ooh, have to go to court?”

“Yep.” He chuckled. “But yeah, we talk from time to time. We’re on good terms.”

“That’s really good to know. My mom always said that only bad partners are on bad terms with their exes.”

“Oh…I quite like that…” Harry hummed and she smiled into the silence.

“Yeah…do you have any questions for me?” She asked and he sighed.

“Yeah, tons…when I was talking to your brother he said that like, even though all of this was really painful for you to attain, that this was your best outcome. And I guess I’m wondering if you…agree with that?”

“Yeah, I do.” She answered quickly without any hesitation. “I don’t regret anything about my life now, I mean…I do wish my relationship was better with my whole family. But say I listened to my mom and terminated my pregnancy, the judgement would still be there from everyone. Probably even worse as my extended family is still really influenced by Catholicism and they’re very intolerant of abortion or divorce for really any reason. So even if I assumed the position my family wanted me in, I would still be an outsider. But ultimately, I think I am where I need to be. I love the life I have with Celeste. I love teaching, so much. I love getting to make my own choices. I love not having to be around all that pressure; I would surely break.” She chuckled dryly.

“Oh I don’t think you would break, baby. You’re one of the strongest persons I’ve ever met.” He said with certainty, “But I think that eventually you would have to get out. Not because you aren’t strong enough to deal with. Quite the opposite actually. You’d have the strength and courage that it takes to walk away from all of it. I don’t think that life was meant for you, you know?”

“Yeah, definitely not. I am very happy with what I have going on now.” She confirmed and he smiled. “I’m happy with you.”

“Good. I’m happy with you too.” He whispered.

**************

The following morning Diana was a little more on edge. She had woken up before Harry and had a body shower. She had her coffee and then made breakfast, which woke Harry up. He was quick to wash up as well and join her. There was some music playing softly from her phone that had her slightly swaying her hips as she did something over the sink. Harry walked up quietly before hugging around her hips. She froze in surprise before melting into his touch.

“G’morning.” She greeted sweetly as he smushed a big kiss to her temple.

“Morning, baby.” He mumbled. “What can I do to help?” He asked lowly, his voice still raspy from its lack of use over the night.

“Can you dice those peppers up for me?” She said shooting a glance to the cutting board with a red and green pepper already laid out.

“Sure.” He smiled and headed over. She glanced over a few times but stopped when she saw him properly dice the first little bit. “Am I doing something wrong?” He asked her when he caught her final glance.

“Nope. You’ve got it.” She smiled and he chuckled.

“S’this a good size?” He asked and she glanced back over with a grin.

“Yes, chef.” She winked and he chuckled and proceeded with his task. “Do you like the potato skin or nah?” She asked.

“I do.” He responded.

“Perfect!” She exclaimed, “Saves me the trouble of peeling…” she mumbled quietly to herself and he smiled, “Mmmm nope…c'mere.” She mumbled and Harry glanced over and giggled.

“Who? Me?” He asked glancing back in confusion.

“No, sorry.” She giggled, “A potato was rolling away.” She explained and soon came up beside him and set up to chop the potatoes. In moments she was flawlessly dicing up a potato. Harry stopped his own task just to watch how gracefully she worked, swiftly and silently. When she realized he was just staring she cracked a smile and then stopped to glanced up at him. “What?”

“Nothing, keep working.” He hummed.

“Okay…?” She said and he cocked his head to the side.

“M’no, you’re supposed to say “yes, chef” when I tell you to do something.”

“Oh, OK. Ask again.” She played along.

“Keep working, Di.”

“Yes, chef.” She said with a pleasant smile and he chuckled.

“You’re cute.”

“Thank you.” She smiled and he chuckled and then continued his own chopping.

It made them both so happy that this is what every day could look like in the future. This was lovely and peaceful and comforting. It was worth working towards and with this in mind Diana decided to stop being afraid of Celeste. She knew that she was supportive of her and Harry dating now so that made her feel easier about the conversation. After breakfast Harry went home to feed Misty and then get showered and changed. Diana did a similar thing, she tidied around the house before getting some lasagna going because Harry had really liked it last time and Celeste also really loved it. She was just about preheat the oven when Celeste’s call came in and she wiped her hands on her apron before picking up.

“Hi, mamita!” Diana greeted cheerfully.

“Hey, just wondering what time you were planning on coming to get me?” She asked.

“Actually Harry’s gonna go pick you up. He was planning on being there around 3 and he’s gonna come over for dinner, is that good?”

“Oh yeah, perfect! We wanted to go to this new boba place real quick!”

“Yeah, you guys have time. Just get a small size though, I made lasagna for dinner.”

“Yes!” She cheered lowly and Diana chuckled a bit.

“Alright. Be safe. I’ll tell Harry to text you when he’s heading out.”

“Okay thanks, mom. See you later!”

“See ya, love you.”

“Loveyoubye.” She said quickly before hanging up.

Diana finished layering the lasagna just in time for the oven to reach the designated temperature and she got it inside and set the timer on her phone before hurrying up to have a shower and get changed. She was mentally rehearsing how she wanted to share this with Celeste and when. Should they eat and then talk, or talk first and then eat? Or talk while they ate? Diana was getting on some light makeup on her as she considered these things. Time seemed to fly by because the unmistakable whir of their property gate opening pulled her from her thoughts. She quickly finished applying her mascara before hurrying to her closet and picking out what she wanted to wear. After settling on some jeans, a white t-shirt and an oversized baby blue cardigan, she got into her slippers just as the front door was opening.

“Mom, we’re home!” Celeste called loudly and Diana exhaled before heading downstairs. She could hear them sayin how it smelled delicious and how they needed to find a good place to put Misty’s food and water bowl. She was about to reach the last few steps when Misty stopped at the staircase and then peered up at her expectantly.

“Oh please, don’t.” Diana mumbled to herself lowly as Misty put a paw on the bottom step and sniffled at it. She made a move to head down but with a heavier step to try and startle her away. The cat recoiled a bit and then glanced up at her with curios eyes. She was about to ask one of them to come get her when Harry came around from the kitchen and she sighed in relief. “Thank god.” She sighed and he laughed.

“How long have you been standing there?”

“Just a few moments.” She said and he hummed. “Can you tell her to move or just grab her.”

“Di, I think you ought to face your fear. Just step down and she’ll get out of the way.”

“You don’t think I tried that already?”

“Come on, love. She’s real sweet.” He assured and she glanced down at the cat now rubbing up against Harry’s legs. Suddenly Celeste walked over and her eyes lit up at the scene before her and then started to laugh.

“Wait, how long have you been there?” She questioned.

“Not long.” Diana sighed at yet another question about her being stuck on the staircase.

“You guys match!” Celeste observed with a smile and then you glanced over at Harry and he chuckled.

“Great minds, kid.” He said to Celeste and she chuckled and nodded in agreement. “So are we having dinner on the staircase or are you gonna come down?” He asked and Celeste smirked at her, awaiting her response to Harry’s question.

“Tell you what, I need to go to the bathroom. When I’m out, you need to be down here by whatever means possible.” Celeste said and Diana rolled her eyes.

“OK, you go do that. Please, take your time.” She insisted and Celeste smirked as she kept on walking to the bathroom and disappearing from their line of sight.

“C’mon love, she’s not going to hurt you. I promise.” Harry appealed to Diana once more.

“I just don’t want her anywhere near my ankles. Just pick her up please. I will even put her head! I just need her away from my ankles.”

“OK, deal.” He said crouching down and easily picking Misty up in one hand by her tummy and then settling her against his side and Diana descended the rest of the steps.

“Do we tell her before or after we eat?” Diana asked as she reached out slowly. She flinched a bit when Misty’s cool, damp nose nudged at her fingertips, sniffing her out a bit.

“I think so because she told me she had the medium sized bubble tea.” Harry chuckled and Diana sighed and then reached up and touched the soft fur in between Misty’s ears and then scratched a bit which made Misty relax into Harry’s hold and she closed her eyes. “She’s purring. She likes it.” He told her and Diana smiled a bit as she started to hear the very soft and low hums herself. “Are you nervous?”

“Of course.” She said quietly as her eyes met Harry’s, he looked calm, the kind of calm she wanted to be right about now, “What the fuuu-?!” She gasped and pulled away startling Misty. She shook her hand and Harry laughed.

“What?”

“She licked me! I was not mentally prepared to feel that texture on my hand.” She said through her laugh and he joined her as well.

“Why are you nervous?” He asked her and she bit her lip.

“I don’t know…”

“You do.” He insists.

“What if…things just…”

“Don’t work out?” He asked and she nodded.

“I don’t want to…open this up and give her hope that we can be a family one day and then something goes wrong and she loses you.”

“Love, I mean this with so much care and love, but this isn’t about Celeste. Pain and disappointment are a sad reality of life, you know that.” He said and she sighed, “But the wonderful thing about life is also that when you have people to share those hard times with, it makes them more tolerable. I can’t promise that I’ll be perfect or that I won’t hurt and disappoint you every now and again, I’m only human.” He chuckled, “But I can promise to do everything I can to ensure that we have open and honest communication and that we set realistic expectations of what we can do to make each other feel happy and safe with the time we have together.” He said and she nodded, she was petting at Misty’s head again, her eyes focused on her sweet little face as she took in Harry’s words, “Di, look at me.” He insisted and she glanced up at him, “I love you. And I love Celeste. So we’re all gonna be okay.” He said with a soft and sincere smile.

“I love you too.” She whispered with a smile. “Thank you for being so patient with me.”

“Of course, always.” He responded and then they headed off to the kitchen. Misty was now exploring about and Harry was opening a bottle of wine when Celeste walked back in.

“Did she touch the cat?” Celeste asked Harry and Diana whipped around quickly.

“I did.” Diana confirmed with a small smile.

“Dang it…” she mumbled as she hopped up onto one of the stools under the kitchen island and Harry chuckled.

“Di, do you want a glass?”

“Please.” She responded.

“Mamita, do you want anything before we eat?”

“No, I’ll wait. I didn’t get the small boba.” She confessed.

“So I heard.” She smiled at her briefly and Celeste glanced to Harry.

“Traitor.” She said with a small smile.

“She’s not mad is she?” Harry asked as he poured Diana her glass of wine.

“Fair.” She mumbled as she watched Diana just looking at Harry, waiting for him to finish up. Once he handed over her glass Diana grabbed it and brought it to her lips before starting to drink it down. Harry was serving himself so he didn’t see, but this was surprising to Celeste and her eyes widened as she finished the glass and then set it down. “Ummm, mom are you alright?” She asked her and Diana glanced up at her looking slightly embarrassed at being caught by her young daughter as she guzzled down some alcohol. At this Harry glanced over to her too and she started to feel nervous again.

“I am, but ummm, I do need to talk to you about something.” She said and Celeste nodded, “It’s a more or less a serious conversation which I am feeling a little nervous about,” she admitted, “so ummm, that’s why I did that. Sorry, if that worried you.”

“Well, seems like I should be worried.” Celeste said, her demeanor visibly more tense as the uncertainty of the topic at hand settled in.

“It’s not a bad thing.” Diana said and then glanced to Harry for some help and he was currently having some of his wine as well. His own nerves getting the best of him. Celeste looked between the two of them waiting for more information.

“Ummm…okay…” she said as she looked between them some more.

“Do you want more wine?” He asked her.

“Please.” Diana hummed and Harry came over to the island and grabbed her glass and served her some more and she glanced down at it and exhaled shakily, she was struggling to breathe in again until she felt Harry’s warmth closer than before and she glanced to her side to see him giving her a small reassuring smile as he nodded. She then inhaled and turned back to Celeste.

“You’re freaking me out.” Celeste said with concern and Diana groaned softly.

“I’m sorry, I’m just bad at this and I’m a bit nervous.” She confessed, “But ummm, I know that you’ve been ummm… interested a little more in my love life as of late.” Diana started, “And ummm, I just wanted to tell you that…well ummm….” She said as she glanced up at Harry who just nodded, “We’re ummm…Harry and I-” as soon as she heard this her mouth widened in a surprised smile and her eyes widened.

“You’re gonna date? You two?” She interrupted and Diana glanced back at Harry who was smiling at her already before looking back to Celeste and they nodded.

“I-is that alright?” Harry asked and she grinned. And grabbed her phone and started typing something in quickly and moment’s later Handel’s Hallelujah chorus came through the speakers on her phone as she sang along goofily, “Fi-na-llyyyyy!” She groaned dramatically after a few seconds and Diana and Harry laughed at her theatrics.

“Alright, alright the serious part of the conversation still needs to happen.” Harry said and she paused the song and nodded, but she was beaming, anxiously waiting for the next part. “So ummm, as you know, this is something new for your mum, and well you too.” Harry started, “And I know it can be…exciting,” he said and she nodded, “but ummm, for y-your mum it’s also quite nerve racking. So we’ve decided on having a few boundaries about what we want to share w-with you for the time being.” He said and she looked to Diana for more explanation on this.

“Mamita, I just need you t-to be a little patient with me now.” Diana said, “Like, over the last few weeks we’ve been trying t-to build up to telling you, but you were a little too…pushy with the topic and it kept making mer nervous and postpone the conversation with you and I guess we just need privacy to settle into this before we are more comfortable being together openly w-with you.”

“So I’m too…nosy?” She asked and Diana frowned, “And if I stop you guys will keep dating?” She added, her lips curled up a bit and Diana sighed.

“Y-yes.” She admitted with a tinge of hesitation and Celeste let out a laugh.

“Okay! I can mind my business!” She said and Diana and Harry chuckled, “As a matter of fact,” she said as she hopped off the stool, “I don’t even care. I don’t at all. I’m just a selfish teenager who worries about her friends and stupid problems.” She said as she backed away from the kitchen. And they laughed and called her back so that they could actually finish up and she leaned on the counter now wearing the biggest smile, “OK, go on.” She insisted.

“Well, I know you don’t care or whatever,” she started with a small smirk and Celeste giggled, “but I just want you t-to be comfortable. I mean, neither of us is super big on PDA, but I mean, we might hold hands sometimes or even kiss quickly or something like that,” Diana blushed, “and like, while you might be happy about this, it can also be a little weird. So if you ever do, just let me know.” She said and Celeste nodded.

“Okay. Thanks.” She said. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Ummm, let’s hear it.” Diana decided.

“When did this start?!” She asked.

“Like when did we start to like each other or when did we first go on a date?” Harry asked.

“Both? I-if that’s allowed.” She added.

“Well, I started liking your mum since you two first came t-to the practice.” He admitted and Celeste’s jaw dropped in shock at this. “Yeah, I know…” Harry chuckled. “I don’t know, I just thought she was so beautiful and sweet and she was just stuck in my head.” He said and then she glanced to Diana awaiting her response.

“Oh, me.” Diana chuckled a bit nervously, “Ummm…w-we ran into each other one night after our classes and that girl from your class was following you?” She said to Harry and he nodded.

“You had a stalker?” Celeste asked and Harry chuckled and turned to her quickly.

“No. She just had a crush on me at the start of the semester and was trying really hard to have more time with me.” He explained. “Either way, you noticed I was looking rather uncomfortable so you approached us-”

“Yeah, I pretended to be his girlfriend that was running late.” Diana said, “And that was the girl that approached us at Cafe Flores, remember?” She asked Celeste and she nodded.

“Oh…”

“Yeah, so that’s when I realized I liked him.” Diana said and Harry’s brows furrowed suddenly.

“That conversation didn’t end well if I recall correctly.” He said with a frown.

“Yeah, it did not.” Diana chuckled, “But I felt so crumby after you said that we should just keep it as professional as possible that it hit me then that I…had a crush on you.” She confessed.

“It can’t be anything else? A better moment where I wasn’t a prick to you?”

“I can’t choose when my feelings happened! That’s when I confirmed that I liked you.” She giggled and he hummed.

“Fine.” He hummed and she smiled and then turned to Celeste.

“And I asked Harry out on a date during the summer but ummm, things were going well with you in therapy and you were saying that you wanted to keep him around as your therapist for as long as possible and well, we can’t do that while he was working with you so we decided not to continue with that -er us then. But that was technically the first date…”

“You were not going to be together because of me?” She asked with a small frown.

“Yeah, but just because ethically it’s frowned upon t-to have what is called a dual relationship with a client and their family or friends. So if someone else in my field were to find out that I was dating a client’s parent I could get my licenses revoked and it would be quite bad for all of us. And well, also you had expressed some hesitation with your mum dating before to me in session, and well, you didn’t react well when you thought we were dating that one time, so I think we both just felt that…not being together was the best thing to do for all of us.” He explained.

“Oh…now I feel bad.” She pouted a bit.

“No mamita, don’t feel bad. It really was our bad. I mean, those kinds of rules are there for a reason. And I think that you’ve even experienced some of that with Harry in terms of wanting him around for more things in your life. Its quite a fine line to walk but everything is working out now and ummm, w-we want to give it a real shot now that we can without risking his entire career.” She said and Celeste smiled a bit.

“Okay, well I am fully on board with this.” She said and Diana chuckled.

“Don’t we know…” she mumbled and Celeste grinned.

“Well, at the end of the day I just want you to be happy too.” Celeste said to Diana, “And well, I trust Harry and I know he’ll take good care of you and be nice and supportive and all the stuff you’ve told me you wanted if you ever dated anyone so…yeah.” She smiled and Diana smiled and then glanced up to Harry who just pulled her into his side and she relaxed in his hold and hugged him back as he planted a quick kiss on the top of her head.

“So cute.” Celeste hummed and Diana laughed as she felt her face warming as she blushed.

Their dinner went well, Celeste monopolized the conversation and only talked about what she had going on and then what she did with Geri at their sleep over. It was nice though, to be able to look over at him and catch him staring without worrying about Celeste catching them. If she wanted to, she could actually reach for his hand and hold it if she wanted to. She was tempted to, but she didn’t want Celeste to make a huge fuss about it. But then she also wanted to show Celeste that she could be warm and affectionate in a way she had not seen before. And well, she also wanted to show Harry that she was putting in some effort to get over her fears of letting her walls down.

Well, she had basically let every wall down but there was just a little bit of resistance in her still. That fear that she couldn’t shake completely was constantly swimming around in her head. And then he smiled wide and said something to Celeste, something she didn’t even hear quite honestly, and that annoying little remainder of fear just melted away. And there was no hesitation as she slid her hand across the table and grazed his pinky and he just glanced over and smiled for a second before turning his hand over as he continued chatting with Celeste. Diana felt so relieved when his fingers clasped over hers and then she turned her attention back to the conversation. She could see Celeste smiling wide but she made no commentary and just kept telling her story. After dessert they played a quick round of UNO, which Diana won both rounds much to Celeste and Harry’s annoyance. But soon Celeste was heading up to have a shower and get her things ready for school the next morning. Harry had just gotten Misty into her little travel kennel when Diana came down the stairs with a little pot of concealer for him.

“Here you go. That should fix that.” She said eyeballing the far too orange canceler splotch covering a love bite on his neck.

“Thanks.” He chuckled. “You feeling good?”

“Yeah. So happy.”

“Me too.” He smiled and grabbed her face in his hands and she tiptoed to let their lips meet in a soft kiss. They smiled against each other lips and pecked once more.

“I love you so much, Harry.” She whispered between them and he kissed her again quickly.

“I love you too.” He smiled, “It’s gonna be so good.”

“I know.” She smiled.

---TAG LIST---

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yellowhollyhock · 14 days

Text

Rise Future Leo is so important to me

I just. It's just.

Like on the first watch through it sticks out a lot how much he's changed. But the thing is the thing is

"Hope is a ninja's greatest weapon" and then young Leo being like "ooh new catchphrase" like I know it's a time travel joke but listen. He lost everything. His entire family, his entire city, literally even parts of his body, and ultimately his entire timeline. Do you know how much grief can change a person fundamentally? Do you realize how hard it is to hang onto the little things that used to make you happy? Sometimes you just have to find new little things, and let go of who you used to be. Sometimes that's better.

But the fact that after every one of these losses, for all the things he let go of, Leo held onto his one-liners and catchphrases--I can't I can't he's so. Like the strength that takes? The deliberate choice that had to be? And the way he's using it more maturely to lift others up instead of to mask his insecurities, but also the way it's both and has always been both. GAH

And it's just it's just like. It really emphasizes the strengths that Leo had in the show all along, because. At first when I first watched the movie, I felt like they kinda nerfed his character? Why is he acting all irresponsible, sure he presents that way but rise Leo usually is actually pretty careful and aware of himself. Like especially his family's safety. But then it makes so much sense because he's just been given all this responsibility and he's trying to figure out how to deal with that.

And it's the moments. It's. When he says something or looks at someone and infuses that hope into them, like he's literally handing them a weapon. It happens in the show too (Donnie in the basketball episode comes to mind, and of course the classic "where are my brothers"), but the movie really builds to focus on those moments. And that's so very at the core of what makes a character Leonardo. It's that reservoir of inner strength that he learns how to share.

That ability to hang onto hope when it doesn't make any sense, and then persuade others to feel it. 87's corniness and charging into all kinds of dangerous situations, 03's sappy speeches and dangerous level of trust in everyone ever, the way 12 grows from pushing and demanding to encouraging and believing. Even 07 Leo, the Worst from what we saw of him--it's the changes in Donnie and Mikey when they see him again that make me believe that guy is in there. He's been the one putting hope in their hands when they couldn't find it anywhere else and that's why they felt so betrayed and abandoned. Splinter literally says to Donnie "if you cannot learn to recognize [where your brothers are weak and how to be strong for them], all hope is lost for our family." Honestly I think Raph is the only one, including April and Casey, who actually did keep that weapon in his hand after Leo left. He's the one who still believes he can save the city, ya know? And maybe also never really gave up on Leo coming back, which is why he also couldn't let go of the anger that it took so long.

It's like this okay: hope is a sword, love is a shield. It's Leo and Raph. Hope and Love bro ❤️🩵

And the Rise turtles brought this into focus because of how they flipped around some of their superficial traits.

I don't know you guys the fact that 'you are not alone' became Raph's big moment and 'hope is a ninja's greatest weapon' became Leo's just makes me insane a little bit. I don't think my brain was designed for this many emotions.

#tmnt #rottmnt #rise leo #rise future leo #character analysis #tmnt 2007

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allthelittlecreepycrawlies · 6 months

Text

Another mixed concept and scene snippet post from twitter. This one I actually hammered out a quick ending to!

Nie Huaisang is the insecure one of the relationship for a change.

Even though they’ve been together from the end of lectures all the way through the Sunshot Campaign, even though Jiang Cheng always turns them down, even though Jiang Cheng chased off the matchmakers, there's always someone drawn in by Jiang Cheng’s pretty face or the allure of the Jiang-furen.

And, eventually, Jiang Cheng will have to find himself a wife.

An actual wife.

Nie Huaisang can handle dealing with merchants and accounts and stuff like that, he’d even force himself to do it for the rest of his life if he has to, but there's so much more that would be expected of a wife and even if he were to learn it all, the etiquette and everything, he's still not a woman. He can’t give Jiang Cheng heirs of his own bloodline, and he knows how important that is.

So even though he does his best to help out with rebuilding the Pier, Nie Huaisang makes himself scarce if there's even a hint of flirting because if this is going to be the one that Jiang Cheng reciprocates, he doesn't want to be there to see it.

He even stays through the fallout and the first siege, only for a new problem to pop up as the dust settles.

On top of everything else, Jin Ling can’t stand him. Even at that age where babies are upset about everything, it's clear Nie Huaisang is his least favorite adult, even though Nie Huaisang is doing his best, and is actually doing things correctly 95% of the time.

It's absolutely crushing. It's worse than the flirting, worse than the proposal letters, because he knows more than anything, Jiang Cheng needs a partner who can do right by his nephew.

As Jin Ling howls angrily in his arms, only to immediately quiet as soon as someone else takes him, Nie Huaisang finally starts contemplating throwing in the towel and letting Jiang Cheng find someone who actually deserves to be by his side.

And eventually… he does give up and break things off.

Not wanting to leave Jiang Cheng feeling like he's in the wrong, he explains everything before he quietly goes back to Qinghe.

Unbeknownst to him, Jiang Cheng takes this as a challenge.

Nie Huaisang left because people wanted him to marry better? Fine! He finally accepts the matchmakers' attempts to set him up, and then purposely bombs the dates. When rumors start getting out, he pays the matchmakers to support them.

He can't do anything about the fact that Jin Ling doesn't like Nie Huaisang, and that guts him, because his nephew comes first. But Jin Ling's a baby, surely his opinion will change as he grows?

Right?

He can make this work. He will make this work.

It's been a year and a half since he and Nie Huaisang have seen each other in person, but they've been tentatively exchanging letters.

When Jiang Cheng arrives at the conference in Qinghe, he takes the first day to gather his nerves. On the second day, he thinks he's ready.

And then the screaming panic erupts in the courtyard.

---

From there, it goes as canon did. Nie Huaisang grows distant as he sinks into grief and revenge and Jiang Cheng throws himself into running the sect and raising Jin Ling.

(Neither of them ever tells Jin Ling about their history together, so he grows up having never known they were even an item, just that Nie Huaisang is that weird annoying guy who's always pestering shushu. Ironic that he ends up remaining completely disdainful of Nie Huaisang his whole childhood, but for totally different reasons.)

It's painful and bewildering to see the way Nie Huaisang acts around Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao, because Nie Huaisang wasn't that clingy with him even when they were lovers.

(Once the final confrontation at the temple concludes, Jiang Cheng realizes that Nie Huaisang might have been shielding him from All Of That, but he's still kind of hurt and confused.)

Something forces them to talk: Jin Ling eventually does find out about their backstory.

Not the actual backstory, of course, but during a 'friendly' night hunt, Wei Wuxian offhandedly muses about the fact that Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang aren't together anymore.

Wait, when were they ever together????

"Oh, it ended before you were even old enough to remember?" Wei Wuxian asks. "Though I guess that's not surprising, since you were only three when Chifeng-zun died."

"It was probably because even they couldn't stand each other for long," Lan Jingyi says, earning a swat from Ouyang Zizhen.

But Wei Wuxian just grins and says "Yeah, that's probable, too," or something like that. Jin Ling doesn't really hear it clearly because he's already mad and stewing in his own thoughts.

His jiujiu-! With that guy-!

And he's going to get to the bottom of this. Since his jiujiu never said anything about Nie-zongzhu all those years, good or bad, he knows he won't get any information that way, and even though he grew up seeing Nie-zongzhu as a silly harmless annoyance, recent discussions mean he doesn't feel comfortable going to the Unclean Realms either.

Time to start asking the Jiang sect’s second-in-command some questions.

---

Jin Ling doesn’t get much, but he gets enough that he knows he’s going to have to press Nie-zongzhu for the full story.

So he sucks up his nerve and heads to the Unclean Realms.

He’s received with little fanfare, but when Nie Huaisang offers tea, he can tell by the smell that it’s his jiujiu’s favorite, and he can’t help but wonder which of them loved it first.

It throws him off guard enough that rather than the snippy confrontation he had been planning on the way over, the first question out of his mouth is “Do you regret any of it?”

Nie Huaisang tilts his head, expression uncomfortably probing. Jin Ling braces himself for the usual deflections and protestations of ignorance, but whatever Nie Huaisang sees makes him simply sigh instead. “Your shenshen. I never predicted she would react the way she did. I thought she would go home to her parents.”

“What about the cu- Mo Xuanyu? Did you make him do it?”

“No. It was his idea to begin with, actually. But there was a possibility, however small, that I could have stopped him, and I never tried.”

Jin Ling is… not sure exactly how he feels about the answers he’s been given. But he does believe them. So he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, lets it out… and without any of the irritation he’d been carrying with him on the way, asks the question that has really sparked this visit.

“Did you break up with jiujiu because of me?”

Nie Huaisang chokes on his tea. “Where did you hear that from?” he wheezes after getting the coughing under control.

“Not any one person in particular. I heard you’d been together from shijiu, and started putting the pieces together after talking to some others,” Jin Ling only partially lies, not wanting to put his jiujiu’s second in any possible line of fire. “Did you?”

Nie Huaisang rubs between his eyes, and it looks like he won’t answer at first. “It wasn’t your fault,” he finally says. “There were over a dozen different issues that probably would have sunk us eventually. We’d been keeping the relationship quiet during the rebuilding, so there were potential wives being tossed in his path constantly, none of which I could measure up to.”

“He would have picked you anyway,” Jin Ling says, eyes narrowed. “So tell me the real reason.”

“I did. Choosing me would have only put more stress on him, especially since-”

“Since what?”

“Since nothing.”

“So it did have something to do with me.”

“Jin-zongzhu-”

“Tell me,” Jin Ling insists, practically leaning over the table.

Nie Huaisang scrubs his face with his hands. “Fine. Fine. I hated seeing how miserable he was having to split time between us because you screamed yourself blue if someone tried to hand you to me. I wasn’t going to make him choose, and I wasn’t going to make him feel guilty when he inevitably chose you. It was better for both of you to just take myself out of the running.”

Jin Ling sits back down and processes this, remembering all the times he’d heard his jiujiu absolutely shut down a dinner date with anyone. How he always changed the subject when Jin Ling brought up the question of why he hadn't married yet.

He must have been missing Nie Huaisang the whole time, and it’s clear just from watching Nie Huaisang during this discussion that he’d been hurting too. And yet they’d never breathed a word about it around him because they didn’t want him thinking he’d ruined things for them.

“Okay,” he says finally. “I’m summoning jiujiu here and we’re discussing this in full.”

“What?”

—

Things finally seem to be going well. With Jin Ling's blessing, Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang are tentatively mending the bond between them.

And then a night hunt goes horribly wrong, with Jiang Cheng taking a blow that would have killed his nephew and once-shixiong. Much to everyone's surprise, including his own, he ascends.

As a god of devotion.

He laughs until he realizes the other gods are serious, and then he's bewildered and angry because why him?

Worst of all, he can't leave the heavens without permission for literal years because he has to 'settle in' first, which just seems like a lot of bureaucratic bullshit to him.

—

Of course he goes to Jin Ling first, who's now fully-grown and well-established, but still greets him with tears and a fierce hug like a kid. After they've spent almost the whole day catching up, Jin Ling suddenly gets very quiet and serious. "You might want to go see Huaisang next. Before it's too late."

Jiang Cheng stiffens. "I was already planning on it, but what the hell do you mean 'too late'?"

"He's... really not been doing well since you ascended. I think the only things still keeping him alive at this point are his promise to his brother and the fact that the disciples insist on taking care of him even though he abdicated."

Jiang Cheng feels sick, because he knows.

He knows why.

He thanks Jin Ling and, in a blink, he's at the Unclean Realms. Ignoring the stunned reactions, he turns to the man he recognizes as having been the head disciple the last time he visited and is likely the sect leader now. "Where is he?"

He's guided to a set of rooms deep in the side of the mountain, where the only light is from torches and lanterns and candles. When he enters the door indicated for him, the sight inside makes his stomach drop.

Nie Huaisang is sleeping on a bed of furs and soft pillows, an array Jiang Cheng can't identify stitched over the chest of carefully arranged robes. Despite the fact that his face is still smooth and unlined, there are silver streaks among the braids in his hair. He's far too thin and just... looks ill.

Kneeling beside the low bed, Jiang Cheng reaches out to touch his cheek, his hair, something, but his presence rouses his former lover before he can make contact.

Nie Huaisang blinks at him, then smiles, but his gaze isn't focusing right. "Ah, Cheng-er, look at you," he murmurs, barely audible. "Always knew you were too good for a monster like me."

—

Nie Huaisang only lives long enough to complete the purification ritual.

Jiang Cheng decides to remain on earth, waiting. He passes the time by occasionally checking in with the sect, or with Jin Ling, or even with Wei Wuxian, the shock of his ascension having forced them to have some very weighty conversations.

It takes another fifty years, but eventually he crosses paths with a young man who has familiar green eyes and an even more familiar infectious laugh.

#mdzs #sangcheng #jiang cheng #nie huaisang #jin ling #ideas #fanfic...sort of

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zvtara-was-never-canon · 18 days

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i'm not a zvtara shipper in any significant way, but sometimes i can't help but see aang as slightly hypocritical. i get that he managed to let go of katara in CoD, but i don't understand how exactly he let go of her but was still super into her in all of s3. what does "you need to let her go" even means? also, i get that he doesn't want to kill ozai at the end of the series, but what about the times he hurt people in ways that would result in deadly injuries? (i don't hold the end of S1 against him since he was being used as vessel by the ocean spirit, i'm mostly talking about the avalanche he caused on the northern air temple episode)

When Aang leaves the Guru, despite knowing he won't master the Avatar State at all if he left at that point, he did it because he literally ahd a vision of Katara being in danger. When he is letting go of his attachment in that season finale, he gives one last glance at Katara, who is in the middle of a battle, because he knows that the only way to truly help her would be to trust that she will be okay and focus on preventing the Fire Nation from winning.

On the episode "The Awakening", when Aang is panicking and wanting to reveal to the world that he is alive and fight the Fire Lord without a plan, he goes alone. On the day of the eclipse, he kisses Katara, but they go their separate ways in the battle, instead of him being close by in case she needs him.

The "learn to let her go" thing has NEVER been about him no longer being allowed to be in love with her, or even a close friend, and it was never a fully black and white issue either - that's why we see IROH, the guy who lost his son because he chose his quest for power over thinking as parent and thus keeping him away from the battlefield, telling Aang that he is right to choose love above everything. Why we have Katara be the one to literally bring Aang back from the dead. Why the Guru himself explicitly uses Aang's love for Katara as a way to make him strong enough to deal with the grief of losing his people, and why he says "Learn to let her go" not "Forget about her" (there's a reason the cliche of all cliche lines is "If you love someone, set them free" - attachment existing, by itself, it's not a bad thing, but holding onto it ALL the time can get toxic).

Hakoda let his children go when left to fight in the war, doesn't mean he no longer cares or shouldn't care. Iroh let Zuko go in book 3 because at that point he had understood that his nephew needed to follow his own path, doesn't mean he no longer cared or shouldn't have cared anymore. Why is Aang the only one being held to an absurd standard of "If you understood that you can't always be with the people you care about because you got other responsibilities besides just being their friend, that means you're supposed to never want them around even when that wouldn't negatively affect anything"?

As for Aang's supposed "fatal victims" - this is a cartoon that operates on cartoon physics. The Omashu slide/mail system on episode 5 should have left the heroes permanently paralyzed from waist/neck down, assuming they didn't full on die because the human body simply can't survive a fall like that. Firebenders don't burn themselves when practically holding the flame they're generating, nor when they literally breathe fire. We've seen some of the bad guys survive falling down from an airship and hitting the ocean, in full armor, and be completely unharmed.

The show had casualties - but it was always highlighted a fatal injury instead of glossing over it. There's a reason the showrunners were surprised fans ever thought there was even the slightest chance Jet had not died. In a world where people survive absurd stuff, the show suddenly changing the tune to go "Actually this one screwed over some people" is the ONE way to know there actually was a death, and these situations are still the exception, not the rule.

"Oh but Nichya, it was an avalanche!" yes, much like the one in Mulan - a cartoon that is famous for going "Ya know what, the bad guys didn't die despite being buried in the snow long enough that all the good guys left, and only after a major plot event." It's almost like animation does that kind of stuff all the time...

You can't apply real world logic/physics to a cartoon, and it's very weird that the fandom only feels like doing so in the explicit attempt to create a reason to hate on Aang because they don't like that a pacifist remained a pacifist.

#anti zutara #pro kataang #pro aang #aang deserved better #aang defense squad #respect aang or die by my sword

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fishyyyyy99 · 9 months

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OK, I seriously can't believe someone actually thinks this about season 4 of Never Have I Ever:

"In 2023, the message of the show suddenly turned into *"racism, white supremacy, patriarchy, and class inequity doesn't exist anymore. Devi did a Bollywood dance, got into Princeton, and a racist white guy said he loves her at the last minute, so everything is going to be okay (for Gen Z)."*

This is the opposite of the premise that the show started with in 2020, which acknowledged the brutal unfairness in the world."

Firstly, it wasn't a Bollywood dance. They danced to the Tamil dubbed version of a song that is originally Telugu. Tamil cinema is known as Kollywood, and Telugu cinema is known as Tollywood. Maybe people who comment so much on racism should learn a little more about not clubbing all of Indian culture together. As a Telugu woman who lives in Tamil Nadu, I'd like to say that I was really happy with the dance number. I was especially happy because it wasn't a Bollywood dance (season 1 just used Hindi songs, and that really annoyed me because Devi is Tamil).

The show literally acknowledged that Devi ("our little hothead from the valley") was happy in that moment. There was no claim about everything being okay forever. It's just that she is better equipped to deal with problems now. She will continue to grow non-linearly, just like she did throughout the show.

Of course, the show became less about dealing with intense grief as it went on - time heals. But they did portray that grief still lingers, despite that.

Also, the portrayal of familial relationships was great - Devi talking about how it's cool to live with three generations of women in her house, Nalini having to deal with empty nest syndrome, Nalini talking about her own struggle with having to start over in the US after being a top resident in India (but of course, the last season does not acknowledge how brutally unfair the world is /s) and how she was just trying to protect Devi from being devastated, Devi setting her mother up (showing how much she had healed and grown since season 2), Kamala being too attached to her family to move away and Nalini telling her that change is good (and even Kamala's coping mechanism of becoming overprotective of Nirmala), Kamala and Devi's sweet moments, the family's acceptance and joyous celebration of Nirmala finding love again, Nirmala calling Nalini out for being mean to Devi, and of course, the heartwarming scene of Nalini helping Devi pack and telling her she's proud of her. Devi's final monologue focused primarily on how much she cares about her mother. Did all of that mean nothing to some people?

Never Have I Ever is not an unproblematic show. But I still can't believe it's being reduced to this. I. Seriously. Just. Can't. Devi was so much more comfortable in her skin than when the show started, and was no longer obsessed with external validation. Her relationship with Nalini had improved greatly. She embraced her culture so much more. She was okay with not getting into Princeton, and realised that she'd always be connected to her father no matter what. I don't mind that she didn't completely give up on her Princeton dream. I don't think she needed to, to show that she had healed. She was able to tell her dad's story in a way that felt true to herself, and did not feel exploitative (she reclaimed her power from a racist white guy). She was truly happy when she prayed to the gods before leaving to Princeton. She was surrounded by people who cared about her and loved her, as she said. And she was happily in the middle of a fun game of Never Have I Ever before Ben showed up. She had learned to love herself and her life. The show having a happy (for now) ending does not equal them saying that everything is going to be okay forever. The world is still brutally unfair. Devi is just a little better at dealing with it.

I don't know who needs to hear this but Never Have I Ever had a TEAM DEVI ending! Just because Devi was not single at the end of the show/ended up with someone you dislike, it doesn't mean that the ending wasn't a win for team Devi.

TEAM DEVI FOR THE WIN! AND THAT'S WHAT WE GOT.

I'll acknowledge that there were issues with the show throughout all four seasons. But I can't see such an empowering show being dismissed in such a ridiculous way.

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inbarfink · 7 months

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If there will be a season 2 of Fionna and Cake, I wish they show us some resolution between for Finn and Marcy in their friendship with Simon. Especially for Finn, as he is resorting to go from adventure to adventure to avoid thinking about Jake’s death and his feelings about it, that mirrors in some way Simon’s struggles to move on from Betty that resulted in trying to bring her back with the Golb ritual. Maybe by using the same approach Fionna did with Simon, asking about his best moments with Betty, Simon might help Finn to start processing Jake’s death better.

Hmmmm.... okay, while I would like more Simon and Marcy and Simon and Finn content (and I do find it very curious that we didn't get to see them in Simon's Happy Ending Montage. Just Astrid, TV and Dirt Beer Guy), I dunno if would get my hopes up for something like that, cause:

The series is called "Fionna and Cake". So I'm kinda wondering if Simon's inclusion as a main character isn't meant to be just, like, a one-season thing. And the upcoming Seasons will either focus more exclusively on the Fionnaworld Cast or will focus on them teaming up with a different Mainworld Character. Like, either way I'd expect to see some Simon content in there (cause he and Fionna have developed a bond and he's her one contact point with Mainworld Ooo at this point) - but I'm not going to expect him to be as central as he was in this season.

With Finn in specific, it's important to remember that we've seen Finn's future in "Together Again". And that special established that... he never quite learned process his grief about Jake while in life. So while there's still some wiggle-room to show Finn dealing with it better, but not so much that it contradicts "Together Again" - you would need to be careful as to not to step on that Special's metaphorical toes.

Now, I am fully-ready to be proven wrong on this. We don't even know if there's even going to BE a 'season 2' so I'm very hesitant to make predictions. The main reason why I think I could be wrong is... well, like I said at the start, it is a very odd decision to not show Simon hanging out with Finn and/or Marceline during his Happy Times Doing Better Montage. Like, on some level, there might be the thematic undercurrent of "it's good for Simon's mental health if he widens his social-circle to people who haven't known him when he was Ice King"

but considering how important Finn and Marcy are to him and how much they care about him - it still feels SO weird we've gotten no real specific closure for them in this series/season.

But I still just... don't know how much Simon content to expect in a hypothetical F&C Season 2 and I want to be careful with my expectations.

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feroluce · 2 months

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Thinking tonight about Caelus, and the nature of his loss and his grief after the Everything that went down in Penacony during 2.0.

Because Acheron, Black Swan, and Misha kind of knew of Firefly, they at least met her, but they didn't like really know her, and Caelus never even got the chance to introduce her to the rest of the Astral Express Crew. The only person who would have talked to her much was Sparkle, who is. Probably not really someone Caelus is interested in grieving with skznmsks

Anyway, all this to say, I like thinking about how alone poor Caelus is in his grief, because he was the only one who knew Firefly. He's the only one really mourning her. There's no one to talk about her with. There's no stories to trade or memories to reminisce with anyone over. It's not as though he knew her for long, but still. No one else knew her at all.

And I love the thought of all of this coming bubbling up, hot and acidic and bitter, during a conversation with Sampo, who Caelus just so happens to run into in the Golden Hour. Poor Sampo is kinda blindsided, he knew shit was going down in Penacony, but yeesh. And he just. Isn't quite sure what to say about it all, because he's never really encountered this before. His feelings about the Masked Fools are...a mixed bag, but he's been a part of them for a very long time, and when you're with a close organization like that, it's hard to feel alone, in grief or otherwise.

So Sampo sits there on their little bench that the two of them have occupied, and he thinks of his old friend April, how she'd died in his arms cackling and spitting her own blood after a heist gone wrong, and how after he'd dragged himself back to the World's End Tavern they'd all held a Fool's Funeral- which is basically just a big party where everyone gets really really drunk and reminisces and toasts the dead and celebrates their life.

He still thinks about her a lot, and he remembers how the time he'd most keenly felt her absence was on Jarilo-VI, the one place where he couldn't talk about her because he couldn't say anything to give himself away as an alien. The Fools still tell stories about her every time he goes back to the Tavern. His first toast of the night is always in her name. Even now, all these years after she'd died, Sampo is still learning new things about her. He's never had to grieve her alone.

Caelus doesn't have any of that.

He might never have that. As they speak, Caelus has no proof that Firefly was even her real name, or if she dreamt with her true appearance. He might not ever find out who she even was.

And just imagining that kind of loneliness hollows out a strange little pit, right behind his sternum, deep between his ribs.

So Sampo claps Caelus' shoulder and offers him a deal. Come find him outside of the dream. He knows a guy who can get them a lot of beer for really cheap-

("Is that guy you and your five finger discounts?" "Whatever do you mean, dear friend, I don't even know the meaning of the phrase, hehee.")

-and they can hole up in a bar or a hotel room or something, and get completely shitcanned. Tell him all about Firefly, tell him everything, and he'll tell Caelus about April and everyone else he's ever lost. Sampo will carry Caelus' memories of Firefly with him, and at least this way, Caelus will be a little less alone in remembering her. And the next time they cross paths, Sampo will be the one to bring her up, and to tell her stories, and Caelus can get to be the one listening. He won't have to be the only person to talk about her anymore.

Caelus rolls his eyes when Sampo avoids another remark about sticky fingers, but...ok, yeah. That sounds good. Nice, even. Thank you. Caelus bumps his shoulder against Sampo's. Sampo bumps back.

(They find each other again the next day, and true to their word, get themselves completely and utterly shitcanned. Caelus talks more than Sampo has ever heard him; every minute detail, every word choice, Firefly's every odd little mannerism and habit. Because Caelus wants to make sure this will outlive him, that even if the Stellaron dwelling within him finally burns him to a crisp and he really does up and kick the bucket, or even, godforbid, if he forgets, he wants to make sure someone remembers her. She deserved that.)

((And it takes quite a while, after that. Caelus doesn't see Sampo again until after everything has settled down. On his last day in Penacony, he finds the guy slinking out of a seedy back alley and all but runs right into him. Sampo happily leads him to some dive bar in an even seedier back alley that Caelus has never even heard of, and Sampo raises his glass. "To Firefly! Who sounds like she probably would have hated me at first, but I would have liked to have met her anyway."

And Caelus stares at him, almost looking startled, long enough that Sampo worries that he's read him wrong and brought this up too soon. He's halfway into planning how to talk himself out of this situation when Caelus finally throws back his head back and laughs, tells him that yeah, Firefly would have politely called him out on every lie he told, and all their conversations would take twice as long with the way Sampo is so full of shit.

And he can see it, the same way he watches and sees through everyone, that Caelus' eyes have a tightness to them, his knuckles are nearly white around the handle of his mug. But he smiles. He hits his glass against Sampo's far too hard and throws it back and gets foam everywhere like he does every time they drink because the guy's about as elegant as a raging bull, but those things don't lessen the genuineness of his smile.

The grief is there, but so is the elation, and those emotions aren't a sliding scale between one or the other. It is all of both and both at once, and that's what contents Sampo enough to throw his own mug back when Caelus makes a toast of his own, "to April!!".))

#caelus #sampo koski #hsr caelus #hsr sampo #sampo & caelus #sampril #honkai star rail #hsr #my fics #me a few days ago: my favorite silly little guys uwu #me today: ANGST #honestly I feel like this isn't even a super strong angst though #it's more just. bittersweet? melancholic? something.#I JUST. REALLY LOVE STORIES ABOUT THE NATURE OF GRIEF #and 2.0 laid the groundwork for that beautifully woohoo #I just remembered this probably isn't common knowledge oops but April is the cute red haired girl in Funny Bone #her name was revealed by the creators on twitter. she's named April like April Fools!#anyway I ship it hardcore now thanks bucket boi & studio #but anyway yes I love and adore the loneliness of the trailblazer's loss and grief after 2.0 #because we know from Sunday that Firefly is “spiritually dead” but the trailblazer wouldn't have that knowledge #and they wouldn't know her identity or about any of her connections to other people #and I love that juxtaposed against Sampo and the possible strange nature of his own grief-#-given how the Masked Fools operate and how they see Elation in everything and everywhere #Sampo is no saint- like at all lol- but I do like him and Caelus getting along and being bros #and I don't think it would be terribly ooc for him to care about someone he sees as a genuine friend #he maybe rarely considers someone a genuine friend. but still dmxjjdjdk #listening to Sam's boss theme as I tag this... have been listening to it a lot ever since I finished 2.0 tbh #it's probably what inspired a lot of this haha #because it does sound strong and intimidating and imposing #but you can hear it

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havin-fun-imagining-twd · 10 months

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Still beating

What - dealing with grief as the dust finally starts to settle. Dealing with grief regarding one specific character's death in particular. You know the one.

Genre - heavier, but we get devoted husband/father Daryl out of the mix. And we don't end the chapter on a bummer, never fear. This ain't a French movie, slowpokes

Relationships - wife Reader and husband Daryl as well as your baby. Familial affection with Rick, and that balance between friend and clergy for Father Gabriel.

Perspective - 3rd POV Daryl, and 2nd POV You

Pronouns - she/her

When - time jump! we've briefly hopped to post season 8, pre season 9 (but before The best kind of damn weird). This chapter takes place during the earlier phases of recovery and rebuilding after the war. The previous chapter, Scary as a sleepy kitten, took place during season 2.

TWs - grief, PTSD (including after SA), depression, self-loathing, and some cussing. This chapter is also kinda lengthy, friends, and had to have exposition. (Might should've sliced the chapter in half, but then we'd have another two-parter on our hands :P)

But how long though? - ...20 minutes or so?

Story references and Masterlist link? - under the cut

And is there a pic at the end as a prize for finishing? - yes :D

Have fun and happy reading!

References to other chapters - what we learned in The Interview. There is also grieving/anger as seen in The first Christmas 'without' Part 2 and its conclusion in I don't hate you, a happy reference to Happy 8th of July!, reference to those lovely tugging strings as found in Invisible Tugging Strings, Part 1 and Part 2 (Part 2 I reckon is still glitched and showing as labeled mature, the poor thing's been cleared about 7ish times via help ticket XD ).

There are a lot more details you might recognize, pop on by to the Official Masterlist here, or for those who prefer linear over non-linear, the Chronological Slowpoke Masterlist here

-----------------------

Still beating

She was doing real bad. The past few days had been especially bad. Grief has nasty ways of settling in and rearing its ugly head.

He didn’t know too much about what to do to help her, he’d never been good at that stuff. And there was no fixing all that happened, especially not when the last thing that happened was the worst thing that could’ve.

Other than if TJ or Judith died, it was the worst thing. And part of his wife died right alongside Carl.

Hell, she’d been the one to wait after Carl died, then turned, to pull the trigger.

Now, she felt dead, too.

Gabe had to suggest that she check her pulse when it got bad enough.

Just then, TJ started to wriggle and hum in an attempt to root at Daryl's bicep, which pulled him out of his worry for a second.

Gently, he began to bounce to try and keep his baby lulled. He knows Y/N wanted to breastfeed only to get her production up (and so TJ’s suckle could get stronger after the surgery), but Y/N was finally asleep.

Beginning with when Denise was killed, Y/N hadn’t been making as much as she first had. Then, the Saviors stopped the RV and surrounded them, and Negan did what he did. Then Daryl himself got taken away, then there was all the fighting.

And then Carl died.

Getting her milk to come back had been proving damned hard.

A handful of not-very-good times, they’d supplemented what milk she did make with watered-down formula and/or watered-down goat's milk.

One very bad time, they’d used sugar water to fill the babies’ bellies until Jesus got back with goat's milk. Just the one time they had to use sugar water, everybody made damn sure of that.

For now, Daryl could crack into what was still left of the goat's milk in the cooler, right? The two women in the Kingdom who had little guys had sent over actual breast milk with Carol a few days ago, but it was used up yesterday. That stuff had been a God-send, he couldn’t thank the ladies enough.

Between the two babies in Alexandria, TJ and Gracie, everyone had to be smart about using what formula was left. And given that the power got cut, keeping the goat's milk fresh was another problem, hence the cooler.

There was still a shit ton of clean-up had since the Saviors nabbed Alexandria’s storage, then firebombed the town. To make things worse, those assholes had their own compound destroyed, and Hilltop and the Kingdom got screwed, too. Even the beach women took another beating. Hell, and them junkyard people were literally all fucking gone except their leader chick.

So, Y/N breastfed the two babies as much she was physically able because there was no other option right now, all while working as the only other doc left standing in all five communities; she was running herself into the ground.

And with Carl gone…

It ain’t fair that she couldn’t make enough — it was Negan’s goddamned fault.

Which leads to what just went on: so Mich had told him, Y/N’d lashed out at Negan and the new doctor kid with the facial hair, what was his name, Sidney?

Daryl hadn’t been at the infirmary when it happened, but, according to Mich, she’d had to pull her out of the room. Once out, Y/N asked her about TJ, Judith, and Gracie to make sure they were safe, then disappeared after Mich had turned around. Straight up and bolted.

Daryl had checked the escape-closet first, but she wasn’t in there or the attic it connected to, wasn't on the roof that lead to.

He’d then checked the burned church. She’d been there, he recognized her boot prints, but she'd moved on. From there, he was able to follow her sooty tracks in the direction of the place he should’ve known to check first.

Sure enough, Y/N'd been at Carl’s grave.

His wife could barely look at him when he approached. He'd simply kissed her on the head and quietly walked her back home. Once home, he'd cleaned and bandaged her hand while she, again, tried to pump enough for TJ and Gracie.

Mich had told Daryl she’d get Rick for her, so he’d be here soon.

Daryl wracked his brain, he even prayed to learn what do to try to help carry Y/N through this shit.

At first, Y/N’d been pacing around the room, crying but trying not to, arms wrapped around her picture frame with a photo of Carl in it as if it was the only thing keeping her afloat.

He'd been able to persuade her to lay down, and ended up laying in bed with her and holding her tight, TJ next to them in little bassinet.

Initially, him holding her and pressing kisses to her neck had made her feel worse. More guilty, that is. A handful of days ago, something got into her head that she needed to give him a damn "annulment."

Nah, for real, she’d even said (to Gabe) that the two of them not having ever done the deed yet was "grounds" to give him one. “Grounds to free him,” were her exact words. It was a whole thing, and the couple of failed attempts at trying to do the deed after getting hitched some months back probably made her feel worse.

Father Gabriel had Daryl's back the whole time during the conversation, though, decent dude.

And no, Daryl wasn’t angry or even real hurt that she’d thought she had to ‘free him’ and shit, he knows it was the grief and physical exhaustion that got her to that point. His woman had full-on blacked out and hurt herself that day, which is why he'd brought her to Gabe in the first place.

But the, um, the walls were thinner than Daryl had expected, which is how he overheard from the person that he was gonna love and stay with and stay faithful to until he dropped dead softly confess that she was “selfish” to keep him “stuck” with a “batshit m-mess” like her and “a baby that ain’t his.”

The fact that Y/N kept maintaining how much she loved him and how she didn’t want no annulment helped it hurt less when she’d sounded just about convinced that it was “loyalty to me ’cause we’re close, loyalty to Rick,” and because of “he’s got so much shame. He feels responsible for what the Claimers did,” that made him marry her those months ago. "He loves our ch—my child, and might love me, but it's not fair to him. He deserves better, h-he needs better, the man's been trapped all his life. I-I don't want him trapped, I want him happy!"

Gabe never played into her fears. He been no nonsense about all of it, told Y/N that she needed a damn rest, and asked her to tell him what she thought about it when she woke up.

The good thing was that after a 5 hour period of uninterrupted sleep (during which they used some of the goat's milk for TJ and Gracie), she woke up in a daze at why she’d thought an annulment was something Daryl needed or wanted.

The bad thing was, she was then socked in the gut with more unearned guilt for it, then with worry that she was too far gone, or crazy, all that.

Been a bad, bad few days.

Been a lot of Daryl showing her love that she felt not worth being shown. So that she fell asleep in his arms today was such a damn win!

After getting up to take a leak and finding that Y/N was miraculously still asleep, he thanked whoever was up there, then tried to figure out what else he could do to help her get through today…and right at that moment, TJ started to rouse, so he got his answer: keep their baby comforted. More shut-eye could only do his woman well.

Deftly lifting the little bundle into his arms, he'd kissed the scar above the baby’s upper lip and tiptoed out to the hall, where he was now.

Lightly he bounced, softly he shushed. He held TJ like a football and moved back and forth, back and forth. Babies smell so damn good, and make the cutest damn noises!

After a couple minutes, through the open door, he peeked at his Y/N.

Shit. She was already sitting up and blinking off the sleep.

Whatever it was she did and said today, she felt low as hell about it, that much was clear. Without looking, she grabbed the now-broken picture frame and clutched it to her middle.

"You're supposed to be asleep, slowpoke," he tried to tease.

Her clothes had ashes from where it looked like she’d knelt down then sat down in the burned church. There was some dirt on them, too, from when she’d been at Carl’s grave. Daryl made a note to shake the sheets out later and pick the tissues up off the floor.

That's when the front door opened downstairs.

Was that Ri—good, that was Rick’s voice, he was finally there. There was a second voice, too, was that Father Gabriel’s? It was soft like Gabe's voice was.

Daryl looked downstairs.

Yup, it was Rick with the rev.

He waved them upstairs, but it must’ve been the clunking of the Gabriel’s new cane that got Y/N stumbling out of the room.

“Rev! I would’ve come to you, y-you need to be takin’ it easy.” She hugged the picture frame in one hand, gripped the banister in the other and started to go downstairs, asking Gabe how he felt, urging him to sit down, had his vision worsened, all that stuff.

“Y/N, more rest won’t stop me from losing sight in this eye,” Gabriel responded in his quiet way, remaining on the second step, not going up or down the stairs. He smiled. “You could say I’m the one making a house call to a patient this time."

She held back a sob and bowed her head. Then, she subtly slipped two fingers around the inside of her wrist…

Rick stepped the rest of the way up the stairs and put his hands on her shoulders. “What's going on, weirdo?”

“Ricky, I'm s-sorry."

He leaned closer and took her in for a hug. “Heart still beating?” he murmured.

Her inhale was shaky. “Mmhm. Yours?”

“Beating strong.”

TJ perked up and began to whimper upon hearing her voice. Y/N unzipped her hoodie to—she still had a gun on her?

Okay, that'd been stealth as fuck, it hadn't even been printing. He'd been literally holding her, how had he not noticed?

Daryl shared a glance with Gabe. Minus her screwdriver, she'd turned in her weapons after what happened the other day.

Y/N handed the small gun to Rick, who looked wary, but accepted it without question. She hesitated before reaching into her boot to hand over her screwdriver, too.

Daryl slid his hand around his wife’s waist to guide her back to the room. Without looking him in the eyes, she cupped his cheek and told him he was a good father. Then, frame still gripped under one arm, she took the baby into the other.

“Let’s try havin’ a snack before I go with Uncle Ricky awhile, okay, chickpea?” she murmured, then unbuttoned the top of her shirt.

Daryl took off his vest to give her some more coverage. When he draped the vest around her, she turned her head to kiss his hand. He felt his cheeks warm when she did that.

Walking into the room again, she softly told Daryl that he and Rick could sit on the beds. First, she placed the picture frame on one of the mattresses. Next, she took TJ and went beside the end table at the window to sit down on the floor beside it. The way she sat, it was kinda as if she were using it as a shield.

“Rev, please take the chair,” she mumbled to Gabriel with a glance at the only piece of furniture in the room at the time, other than the bassinet, a nightstand, and the end table. Negan had specifically left the rocking chair as a 'gift' for her. The piece of shit...

Anyway, Daryl had got them their two twin mattresses back (hey, squish them together and you get a big-ass bed) the first trip to and from the Savior’s compound after the war ended, once the Alexandrians had begun to move back from the Hilltop. Only, no bed frames yet.

“And sweetheart, I’ll-I’ll take the pumps with me for while I’m in there. Wanna make sure you and Aaron have enough for them,” she said to him, voice still raw. Y/N turned to him and gave him a wobbly smile. “Sorry I used up so much of the tissue supply,” she tried making light, but got close to tears again, so stumbled through asking “Can I, um, Rick, m-might can I bring my pillow? Is that okay?”

Go with Rick where, and take the breast pumps and her pillow, why? He made eye contact with Gabriel, who looked just as puzzled. So, he turned to Rick.

Rick lowered his eyebrows as if he didn’t know what she meant, either. He squatted to sit down on the mattress beside Daryl, and looked at his sister. “Y/N, where are we headed?”

Glancing up from the baby to him then to Daryl, she adjusted TJ’s position on her breast while she figured out how to answer, by the looks of it. Another glance at her husband as if she were worried about his reaction...

“Rick, I thought you was here to…escort me?”

Daryl had no clear idea what she meant, it was the rev who understood first.

“No,” Father Gabriel told her gently. “Y/N, you aren’t under arrest.”

Under arrest? Daryl fought between the urge to get angry or dead-ass laugh. 'Under arrest??'

It was for real, though. His wife’s tears started flowing again as she turned her attention to Rick and began to stress, “There can’t be no special treatment—”

“—Is this why you handed me your weapons? Why would you be under arrest?” Rick cut her off to question.

She stared as if he’d grown antlers. “I s-struck a patient, and, and—”

“—And I slit his throat open, which is why that 'patient' is in there in the first place,” he cut her off again, firm.

Thankfully, TJ let out a wail the same time mama wailed, “Ricky, y-you weren’t his medic!” pausing any further arguing.

Y/N gulped, pressed down on one breast, then the other. “I know there’s not much in ’em, Teddy-bear, but it-it’ll get better. It’ll come back,” she shushed, lifting him up and tucking herself back in. With a few kisses, she shushed, “You’ve gotten so much faster at drinking, babycakes”

Daryl got on the floor with her and took TJ back.

She avoided eye-contact again, and her lip wobbled again as she pulled the top of her shirt higher. That told him there’d been not much milk in there. And he could see all over her face that it was switching her on the legs with more false-ass, unearned guilt.

The familiar string in his chest suddenly tugged in her direction—next thing, he was resting his forehead on hers. “Hey. You’re makin’ more every day, angel,” he whispered in her ear. "And you're a damn good ma."

The way her expression softened and her body relaxed toward his felt better than fireworks going off on the Fourth 8th of July.

And as if he were back in that Georgia-in-July heat, Daryl just about melted right there on the floor when he saw his TJ, neck lifted high, making a face-scrunching, gummy smile at him. "Look how strong your neck is getting, ’lil badass, you’re rockin’ it!”

Shit, their kid was the best damn thing.

Y/N leaned against him and reached to lightly fluff their baby’s hair and rub their baby's teeny feet.

Gabriel sat in the rocking chair quietly, hands resting on his cane. He caught eyes with Daryl and nodded his head toward Y/N, glad to see her no longer convinced she needed to ‘free’ her husband.

Absorbed in the photo, Rick exhaled, then spoke up. “Y/N, how about we start from the beginning? What happened at the infirmary?”

She pressed tighter against Daryl as a pained noise left her throat. “Did you talk to Siddiq yet?” sounded very small.

“I want to talk to both of you.”

“And Michonne?”

He nodded. “She told me some.”

The big watch she’d kept from Dale tick-tick-ticked on her wrist. Then came the sound of light metallic clinking. Daryl didn’t have to look to see that she must’ve pulled out her brother’s necklace and was tugging on it.

“What I did ain’t excusable,” came out raspy and thick.

“It is," Rick answered.

“It’s not, especially not what I said to Sid—” a sob choked her response. She used Daryl's leather vest to hide her face before hugging it around herself like a blanket.

“Walk me through what happened first, kiddo, before you hit Negan with this?” Rick subtly gestured to the broken picture frame.

So she had smacked Negan in the face? Hot damn, Daryl was more in love with her already.

Y/N swallowed and shook her head. “They’d been lookin’ at it, the both of 'em.”

“At the picture?”

A tiny nod. “I’d left the room, and when I got back, they was looking at it. Siddiq brought it over to him. Tried to make like Negan was sad, too. Fuck that!”

TJ started rooting on his bicep again, but Daryl was on it. “Sorry, pipsqueak, I don’t got the right parts for that.” He started to massage the baby’s belly, and TJ quieted.

“It’s okay to let ’em cry a little, it-it helps restock these,” his wife tried joking, nodding down at her chest.

“Y/N.” Rick was delicate about coaxing her for more details. “You got back into the room, Siddiq and Negan were looking at the picture.”

“Negan’s filthy hands were on it,” she grit. "Lookin' at Carl and me, you with Shaney." The sounds of the pendant being pulled across the chain filled the room along with TJ’s soft cooing.

“Is that when you hit him with the frame?” Rick asked.

“No. I told him not to look at it again or touch it, and if he did, I’d hurt him.”

“Angel, slow your breathin’,” Daryl interjected at the same time that he figured out why those words sounded familiar: it was similar to how she'd warned the last Claimer fuckhead, the one who’d had Carl pinned down and was gon——Daryl shut down this brain for a sec, it was best not to think about that night.

He turned his head to see Rick, red-eyed, tracing his thumb along the photo of Carl, Y/N, Shane and him. Seems as if Rick had recognized her words, too.

“And when was it that you did hurt him?” Rick pressed on.

Y/N swallowed. “About half a minute later when he tried to act like it wasn’t his fault.”

Rick’s composure staggered and collapsed. His voice was hoarse when he managed to say, “It’s not his fault.”

But Y/N was fast to shut it down. “Don’t for one more second make like it’s yours, Ricky, you get that monkey off your back,” she comforted and somehow scolded both at once. “Negan was doing what Negan does when he, when he told you that. It was manipulation, nothin’ real. How C-Carl—” another choked-down sob, more tears.

Daryl noticed her press her fingertips to the spot under her chin, beside her jaw, checking her pulse to prove it was still beating.

“Negan had nothing to do with how Carl got bit,” Rick whispered. “You know it’s true, kiddo.”

“No—our boy wouldna ended up out there, w-with-with Siddiq, if it hadn’t been for Negan.” Her tone got louder and angry, her stress stutter became more noticeable, the way she tugged the necklace turned rougher. “He and his followers was why we weren’t able to trust no n-newcomers like Sid, which is why Sid was still out there alone, and, and, and why Carl went to him! It, it was because of Negan and his, and his, his-his cult!”

TJ seemed freaked out by the louder voice, the baby’s dark, blue-black eyes grown big.

Daryl spoke Y/N’s name to try and bring her back to herself, but she seemed to have very suddenly calmed.

She was blinking at her hand.

Daryl looked, and then saw the two halves of her brother Shane’s chain, broken.

“How many times did Carol warn me that this would happen when I tugged it,” she muttered to herself. "Good thing I didn't decide to tug on the rosary, huh?"

Inhaling, she leaned her head against the wall behind her, staring into space, fingers to her wrist to check her pulse again.

From beside her, he covered her hand in his. Then, pressing his lips to her fist, Daryl took the necklace from it. He could fix it.

“I lost my temper again, I’m sorry,” she spoke to all in the room, her hand cupping Daryl's cheek a moment. Then, more quietly, she looked at Rick. “How many days’ll I be in there?”

Which sent Daryl straight back to disbelief he was hearing those words, what absolute bullshit. “Y/N, you ain’t going nowhere.”

“You’re not going to a cell, Y/N,” Rick echoed.

“No special treatment,” she softly repeated. “If I were anybody else—”

Rick interrupted her “—It’s not about who you are.”

Father Gabriel had gotten up and was making his way to Y/N by then.

Y/N shook her head at the conversation, tired. “If I were anybody else or had any other orle, and if he were anybody else,” she caught her breath, “there’d be reper-re-rep—” a few more tries, and she had to choose a different word, “consequences. Assault and battery on an un-unarmed person—a patient—from their medical provider, that’s serious.” Her hand was back to covering her face. She sat pressed against the wall, knees at her chest.

“You and Siddiq are the only doctors left. We couldn’t just put you in a cell even if you had earned it.”

“I ain't a doctor, at best, I’m a medic,” she grunted. “And I did earn it, just ask him and Michonne. As for my,” she made a shaky inhale, “my duties, I can be escorted out.”

“And TJ? Gracie?” Daryl put out there, hoping to guilt her out of insisting she get jail time, like, what the fuck. What kind of conversation was this?

Screw this, he couldn't even sit. He stood, shaking his head and pacing around the room, still holding TJ.

The expression on Y/N's face should’ve been enough to calm him down, along the defeated, quiet way she reasoned, “I’ll pump and y’all will visit. It’s—no, sweetheart—it’s only for a few days,” when he started to dead-ass leave. As if her being in there ‘only for a few days’ would help this bullshit make sense.

But that’s when he ended up snapping, “This is goddamn bullshit! You bopped a sick fuck on the nose with a picture frame, who the fuck will care? Rick, why you even entertainin' this shit?” and he regretted doing so as soon as he barked it out.

The old, invisible knee rammed him in the nards harder when Rick cautioned, "Brother," and Gabe finally opened his mouth, and louder than Daryl had ever heard him speak. “She cares, Daryl. So do I.”

And to make it all worse, their baby had given a start in fear when he’d shouted, and now the poor kid was screaming—and TJ doesn’t scream, shit, shit, he blew up while holding his child?

“M’sorry! M’sorry," he hushed to his baby, "I love you so much, kid, I’m so sorry I scared ya. I ain’t gonna hurt ya.” With a kiss on TJ’s wild head of hair, he murmured, “Pipsqueak, your old man is an idiot.”

Y/N rushed over when TJ screamed, but she didn’t take the baby away from Daryl. Instead, she caressed her husband’s forearm and the tricep and spoke to their child. “Your daddy’s got you safe,” she soothed.

He knew she was trying to look him in the eyes, but he couldn’t return it. He’d just scared an infant because he couldn’t check his temper. Their infant.

His wife’s quiet assurance cut through the rushing in his head. “Daryl? TJ ain’t hurt, sugar, and you’re not a bad father. Do some skin to skin, okay?” She pecked a kiss on his cheek. “And that's a dollar for cussing, pay up later.”

She then sat back down on the floor next to where the rev had made his new seat. Daryl took the now-empty rocking chair, unbuttoned his and TJ’s shirts, then nestled the kid on his chest.

Y/N then told the room the rest of what happened, how after Negan croaked out with what voice he had left, saying it 'wasn’t his fault Carl was dead', that she’d turned around and whacked him across the face with the frame.

Siddiq had reacted by grabbing her shoulders from behind to pull her away from Negan — so she had shoved back and kneed him in the dick plus rammed her head against his, dropping the frame in the process. The frame broke as a result—and when it broke, she'd lost her cool, said some shit, and threw some shit. Mich heard the hubbub and intervened, then Y/N hid herself away cause she 'knew' she was 'gone crazy.'

As far as Daryl was concerned, the new doc was lucky all he got was a shove, a knee to jewels, a clunk on the head, and some words and maybe a clipboard thrown at him, because Y/N could fight damned well. She'd had it drilled into her how and when to do it. Freely taught others moves, too.

When she’d showed Carol some techniques, way back, it was one of the things that sent him falling for her.

And…Y/N might’ve not said it out loud, but when she described how Siddiq grabbed her from behind to pull her away, everyone in that room got why it caused her to react strong.

What she described herself as doing would’ve been instinct.

Siddiq wouldn’t know why. Negan might, the fucker had watched the tape of her Deanna interview.

“See?” Y/N blew her nose again, sniffed, and stared at the floorboards. “It’s not right to Sid or the community to, to have what I did go unchecked. And what I said to Siddiq was so cruel. What’s worse is I meant it. Fuck, I still do.”

What she'd said was basically that she wished he’d gotten bit instead of Carl, and that it was just as much Siddiq's fault that the boy was dead as it was Negan’s. That 'he should be dead.'

She grimaced, then caressed the watch on her wrist. Must’ve been thinking of Dale. “Ain’t fair to…Negan, neither. If there’s anything Carl taught us, it’s that,” she whispered.

Rick lifted the frame to kiss his son’s picture, wiped a couple tears away. “When I talked with Sid, he was…alarmed. Worried. He thought it was off-character.”

Y/N went rigid where she sat. “Siddiq wasn’t there two years ago.”

Daryl lifted the baby higher on his chest and snuggled closer.

Rick shook his head. “You wishing someone dead, or, dead instead of another, is very off-character, it’s not you. No—don’t shake your head, Y/N.” Her brother maintained, “Even back then, after what happened, you didn’t wish me dead. You wished that Shane was still alive, not that I was dead instead. Even if you did say those things, it wouldn't have been the truth, just the hurt speaking.”

“I attacked you and told you I would kill you. And I-I meant it at the time, you know that.”

“And for a couple days, you left, because you didn’t actually want that. You knew it was wrong.”

“Which is why I need to get put away for a couple days. I decided to hurt a patient and his doctor, my own fr—” She wasn’t able to say what was probably the word ‘friend.’ Y/N bit her lip, and continued, “Then hurled words at him what nobody should get hurled at them.” She swallowed a cuss and grabbed another tissue.

“You’re exhausted, Siddiq knows that.” Rick pointed out. “We’re not ourselves when we’re—”

Y/N wasn’t having it. Probably too exhausted, to tell the truth.

“We’re all exhausted. C’mon, man, you just lost your son!” A sob left her and she tried to breathe through her nose. Checked her pulse again.

“You were also reacting to how he yanked you back, kiddo. That's not nothing.”

Daryl gave Rick a warning glance.

Rick saw, nodded, and held up a hand, which made Y/N turn to see what Daryl was doing. But Daryl simply kissed TJ on the head, not saying nothing.

She wasn’t fooled. When Y/N looked back at Rick after giving her husband a look of it’s okay, Daryl gave Rick another warning glare, then a nod.

“You didn’t react like that without reason, Y/N. There’s no shame to admit it was a trigger.”

She grumbled at the word. “Trauma ain’t an excuse to traumatize others.” After exhaling, she ran her hands over her face and took a moment. Hardly louder than a whisper, she challenged, “Ricky, not all my problems stem from the rapes. I’ve always been too hot-headed.”

At that moment, Daryl wanted to scoop her and TJ up and drive them away from everything, keep the two of them safe and unbothered for a month or two or four.

“Getting grabbed like that m-might, y’know, might could’ve reminded me of it—when they—" She ran a hand through her hair. "Okay, it did get me going. But, I,” she paused. “It wasn’t that I saw red or blacked out, I chose to keep goin’ once I’d started. I threw stuff because I was raging, I didn't want to stop because I thought he deserved it.”

Y/N fiddled with Dale’s watch, and turned to Father Gabriel beside her and almost smiled at him, close to the way she used to smile at Glenn, as if he were in on a joke. “Here I’d hoped I was re-domesticated by now.”

“Let us give thanks that you’re still housebroken,” he responded, taking Daryl by surprise. "You're...still housebroken, are you not?"

The way Y/N then cracked up and grinned woke up the butterflies in his stomach.

“Y/N, you’ve come miles since I first met you,” Gabriel told her softly, smiling back.

“All the way from Georgia,” she joked back, then grew more serious. “You’ve grown a whole lot, too.” She wiped her eyes, and Gabe closed his.

“And Y/N,” he shook his head. “You aren’t losing your humanity. I know you’re frightened of that, after what you told me happened to your other brother.”

It hadn’t even registered in Daryl’s mind that Shane’s memory would be scaring her. She loved her brother like hell, but she was always terrified of going down the same path he did.

He looked to Rick to see what his reaction was. His reaction was tear-rimmed eyes and a nod of his head toward TJ, silently asking if he could hold the baby awhile. Daryl nodded, Rick stood, and returned Y/N the frame as he walked by to pick up the little one.

Hands empty, Daryl took out his army knife and the broken chain from his pocket so he could fix his woman’s necklace. Wasn’t gonna be hard.

He heard Y/N whisper, “Hey, punk. Miss you. Miss you, too, loser.” He let his eyes travel to where she sat under the window, and watched her kiss the picture and well up. It was the old one of her and preschool-age Carl photobombing Rick and Shane, after one of them got some kind of cop award.

Clutching it once more to her belly, she and Father Gabriel then started to talk in low voices with one another.

“The red haze in your right sclera is so close to begin' clear. Did you talk to Rosie today? She’s been seeming less depressed.”

“I thought this was me visiting my patient, not the other way around,” Gabe gently hinted. “Y/N, please talk to me.”

Daryl heard her sniffle. “Rev, but I don’t want to have meant those words. I’ve been workin’ on it. It-it might be his fault, but I know he’s innocent, he’s humane—Sid even counts walkers like I do, man, yet still, I—” her breathing shuddered. “After whatever this mess is kicked in, every time I see him now, I hate him. Why do I hate a decent person?”

“Grief,” he offered simply. He gave her another shrug and small smile. “Keep doing what you have been. It will get easier every day, the same way your, um,” he was careful about his wording regarding her tits, “that you have more for the little ones every day.”

She huffed but didn’t raise her voice again, she stayed quiet as could be. “It don’t feel like none of that’s happening.”

“Our perception of things doesn’t always equal the truth, Y/N.” Gabe seemed to take a moment. Maybe he was praying.

Y/N’s fingers found her pulse again.

“We are all healing,” Gabriel next said, and smiled again. “Your heart is still beating, is it not?”

Y/N stared for a few moments, caught in the act. Eyes meeting Daryl’s for a moments, she removed her fingers from her neck, and inclined her head at the reverend. “What about yours?” she asked softly.

“Still beating. And that’s the proof,” he assured her just as softly. “Y/N, as for the way you understand your actions and your emotions toward him as not being right, I would like you to take it as a comforting sign. And, you just handed over a weapon you plainly wanted to keep concealed, you didn’t use said weapon to hurt Negan, either,” he pointed out, for which Daryl was grateful. “Perhaps, if you begin to make excuses, begin to feel no sense of having done wrong when you have, I will worry.”

Weirdly enough, he next grinned up at the ceiling. “But I am not, because you are simply broken and in need of healing. You’ll get there, as will I,” he held his hand out to the room. “As will your brother, your husband. All of us.” He sighed. “So long as our hearts are still beating.”

Daryl looked back at his wife in time to see her bit her wobbling lip and nod. Her gaze turned to Rick with the baby. He was kissing TJ’s scrawny little feet.

Her face softened seeing them, and as Daryl’s stomach fluttered again, she turned to look at him. His stomach full-on did a happy flip (and, yeah, he lost his grip on the necklace’s broken link and dropped it).

Y/N said to Rick, “Well, we still need to show ’em that Alexandria—that you—are accountable and fair. How many nights will do, you think?”

Rick shook his head. “Zero. But, because you have a point and won't take 'zero' as an answer,” he quickly added, “how about one?”

“For a piggy, you’re actin’ awful chicken.”

He was unmoved by the cop joke. “Bawk, bawk.”

And Y/N laughed, for what it was worth. And it was worth everything, hot damn was that laugh the best sound.

Daryl figured he might as well check, “What about bail, that still a thing?”

“Not with you owing a whole dollar. That’ll take weeks to pay off,” she said, back to doing her best to lighten up things. He loved her so fucking much, goddamn.

“Supervision when outside the cell,” she stated to Rick.

He shook his head again. “I have a better sentence in mind. When I saw you wearing Lori’s belt earlier today, it reminded me of it. See, and you left this at the infirmary.” He reached into his jacket pocket.

Recognition swept across her face when he held it out. “Do you think he’ll feel safe?”

“The headphone cord is too thin to choke him with, it’d snap.”

“Ricky, that joke was very dark,” she lightly chided.

He squinted, kissing TJ’s feet one more time first. “I hereby sentence you to one night—”

“—Three.”

“One in lock-up,” he spoke over her, then was fast to tack on, “with Daryl and this one as guards.” He motioned to the baby.

"Women shouldn't have male guards," she dryly droned.

"Overruled. You'll also get supervised outings for your duties tomorrow and the day after, including the trip to the Hilltop for Maggie’s prenatal visit. And,” he held up the music player, “you’ll need to listen to music with Siddiq on this. We know it works.” He cocked his head. “Let’s start with 20 minutes per day, like you and I had.”

Some tears slipped out even though she was smiling. She mouthed I love you to him, then asked out loud, “How many days?”

Rick squinted. “Fourteen.”

---------------------------

You

“You pick the songs. Whatever you like,” you told him, staring at the photo and rubbing the ‘22’ pendant over your lips. Daryl fixed the chain for you shortly after you’d broken it. You really love him.

Sid accepted the mp3 player out of your hand.

You and he each had one earbud in, one apple beside you, and Michonne sat nearby with Judith. Supervision was your stipulation, yet being proactive about ensuring it had done nothing for how humiliating it was.

Still, you took an objective look and figured Siddiq should know that his safety mattered, that your people were fair and held themselves to standards.

Just looking around the place, it looked as if standards were a given here. That Alexandria’s power grid and some panels were already repaired within three weeks of Negan’s razing was almost unbelievable.

Sucks for the Saviors Cult that the community had been built to withstand up to magnitude 4.1 earthquakes and be fairly fire-safe as part of its self-sustaining (and for-politicians) model, so in the least, a good number of the homes were still standing.

Carl's gazebo was another story, as were other similar structures, like the church, but the ash had been washed off by the rain, and the communities' walls were back up.

Next to you, Siddiq asked you how to work the mp3, citing, “Carl had been the one to…”

Had been the one to work it when he borrowed it to visit you out there, in order to show you some kindness. Before he got himself bit because of you.

The words festered inside of you. Whatever. Let them fester, you felt dead anyway.

As you went to point to show him, the picture hung from your outstretched, bandaged hand. The pic you'd chosen this time was another older one from the before-times, not one of the newer polaroids. You'd been the one to take it, actually, using a disposable camera about five and a half, maybe six years ago.

It was blurry, Lori and Carl had been being silly and stopped posing, Rick was mid-comment. You loved this one.

It felt so unreal now, felt fake.

Felt dead.

You checked your pulse. Still beating.

“The, um, just use-use those two buttons there for up and down to search,” you mumbled, tucking the photograph into your shirt pocket. “That one is for back, that one for options. Press down on the middle to click.”

He went huh. “Here’s the Indian music playlist,” he chuckled. Appears he’d found the Desi Party! playlist. Carl told you he’d played it for him.

Before he’d gotten fucking bitten.

How could your heart rage and ache so much if you were dead?

“It’s got all sorts on it,” you replied blankly to Siddiq. Remembering your oldest sister who’d made all the playlists before handing her mp3 down to you, it felt like she was made up. Felt like everyone was made up, fake. Dead.

“My mother was a big filmi fan,” he shared.

But you simply repeated, “Pick to whatever you like, you’re in charge of the songs.”

There was no emotion in your voice. You didn’t want to chat with him, didn’t want to nerd out about Bollywood music, and also didn’t want to face him after saying such awful things to him early today.

Hating him felt right. It felt "deserved," which is a word you'd learned to not use, thanks to Dale.

Granted, hating Siddiq felt wrong, too, which invited shame to take a seat on your lap.

So, you followed the rev’s advice and took comfort in the shame because it meant your conscience was still ordered in a good direction. It meant you weren’t fully dead yet.

You checked your pulse again to remind yourself that it was still beating. Life was still going.

Father Gabriel had also told you that feeling dead didn’t make you a bad mother or a bad wife or bad person, it simply meant you were broken and grieving.

“Y/N?”

“What?” you growled — and immediately wished it hadn’t come out that way. In your head, you told Carl you were sorry, you’d do better next time. Then, you prayed to stop hating the sight of Siddiq, the sound of his voice. Wished Dale or Hershel or T-Dog or Deanna or Denise or Sasha were there for, for—advice, support, you don’t know…

And because the rev has enough on his plate and needs to rest, maybe later you’d risk everyone’s ire and sneak away to visit Mr. Jones at the junkyard. At least he wasn’t dead yet, too. Maybe visiting him would convince him to move back to Alexandria.

“I never apologized for pulling you backward like that,” Siddiq said to you, a little short. Couldn’t blame him.

In truth, you had done all you were going to do to Negan after smacking him the once, but Sid wouldn’t have known that. Wouldn’t have known how grabbing you like that would flip an alarm, either.

No use moping, if your positions were reversed, you’d have wrangled him back, too.

And yet, you just caught yourself licking your teeth and sneering in response to his apology.

But it wasn’t out of anger or hatred so much as…you still aren’t certain what the emotion was. Grief, depression, shame, all three. You supposed it didn’t make a difference. Didn’t feel like much of anything.

Briefly, you put two fingers to your neck to check your pulse again. Still beating. Still alive.

Alive, and needing to eat some crow, as it were.

“Don’t apologize, you were protectin’ our patient. What I did was wrong,” you recited. “I-I threatened a patient and then whacked him across the face.” Your conscience then prompted you to apologize again for what you’d said to him. “And, just—Siddiq, what I said to you was bullshit and lies and m'sorry I said it. Cruel bullshit, naught else. Don’t go believing a word of it.”

He wasn’t clicking through the playlists and songs anymore.

Appearing uncomfortable, he peeked at you before he put his attention back on the mp3. “Michonne said pulling you like that was a trigger, which is why you, um…I’m sorry,” he said again. “I didn’t know.”

First, you relaxed your jaw. “Ain’t your job to know. It’s mine to learn past it.” Next, you spackled on something of a smile and added quietly, “It’s good that you, that you stepped in. Thank you.” You did mean it, for what it was worth.

How many minutes until the twenty was up, you wondered, and tried to not be obvious about checking the time on your wrist. Eyeing Michonne, she seemed more preoccupied with Judith than with being punctual regarding your penance/sentence.

“PTSD is serious. That’s why I’m sorry, I, um,” Siddiq faltered. He went back to clicking through the music choices.

“We all have at least a little PTSD, bud.” With a light nudge to try and convey camaraderie or something, you attempted to tease, “C'mon, you chosen at least one song, yet?”

“Sorry, let me just, uh…” and with a few more clicks, the first song started. It was Bohemian Rhapsody.

“You chose the playlist ‘Songs Everyone Likes.’”

He chuckled awkwardly. “Yeah, figured I couldn’t go wrong with that one.”

The memory of belting out this song with Carl, Glenn, Beth, and Maggie before your group even found the prison whooshed back and you started to smile—until you remembered that Carl was gone now. He was dead.

You’d forgotten all of that for hot second, but your Carl was dead. So was Glenn. So was Beth. So was Lori, who'd joined, so was T-Dog, so was...

Maybe you were dead, too. You felt dead—so, you pressed your fingers to your neck to feel for a pulse.

Still beating.

The lyrics of the song began to register. You know, the early parts like ‘I don’t wanna die,’ and ‘carry on, as if nothing really matters.’ Sounded a little too personal, tell you the truth.

And just like that, the song was skipped. You glanced at Siddiq.

He shook his head. “Not the right mood for it.”

“Mm.”

The intro to the next song in the shuffle was very bouncy, and ‘Dance to the Music’ started to jive through the earbuds. You didn’t sway along like you naturally would have. No urge to.

The song played, finished.

“First time I heard this was in Shrek,” Siddiq made small talk while munching on his apple. “Love that movie.”

You might’ve hummed in acknowledgment, you aren’t sure. He handed your apple to you, you took it. Held it.

The next song started, ‘Young Hearts Run Free.’

The song played, finished.

Siddiq made more small talk. “I remember that one in Romeo + Juliet, the one with, um, Leo DiCaprio. We watched that version in high school after we finished reading it.”

You hummed again. Pressed your fingers to your wrist, just in case. But no, your heart was still beating.

The next song started, ‘Jumpin’ Jack Flash.’

“A lot of oldies,” he commented once the singing began. He took the final nibble off his apple.

“But goodies,” you responded, willing yourself to sound less stiff and monotone. “Modern stuff is on this playlist, too, don’t worry.”

The song played. Finished.

The next song started. ‘Another One Bites the Dust.’ Siddiq promptly skipped it once the refrain started and the lyrics sank in.

“Good call,” you grunted.

The next song started. ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.’

“Oh n—please skip this one, too." You loved that one, but you’d queued it up for Glenn at his and Maggie’s wedding, and it was not the time to go reminiscing. You swallowed the lump in your throat. Checked your pulse. Still beating. "Please skip 'Thunderstruck' if it comes on, too?”

The mp3 player clicked as Siddiq skipped the song. Next on the shuffle was ‘Under Pressure.’

He adjusted his seat and coughed. “This one fits.”

A combination sigh/groan was your contribution, because he was right. The two of you were the only doctors major medical personnel left standing.

The song played. Siddiq’s knees and wrists bounced to the rhythm where he sat beside you. You stared at your boots. Where’d all the soot and dirt on them and your clothes come from, you couldn’t remember…

…

It was when a strong gust of cold wind blew that you noticed that the music had stopped, your earbud was out, and the sky wasn’t as cloudy anymore.

When did that happen?

You sat up and blinked a few times, your apple still in one hand, Shane’s necklace in the other.

“Hey,” you heard Siddiq call.

What, why were your cheeks wet? “S-sorry, I,” you dropped the necklace, wiped your eyes with your sleeve, and put the apple down, “must’ve, um, checked out.”

“I’m not sure how long it was after it began when I noticed the change,” he let you know. “Is…this what happened earlier?”

You closed your eyes and shook your head. “Earlier was somethin’ else. This was just—” ‘Dissociation,’ was a misunderstood word, so Denise taught you. And you didn’t want to use the word for that reason.

You really wanted to keep a shred of dignity for yourself in the eyes of that guy. He didn’t even know that you’d hurt yourself when you’d ‘blacked out’ the other day…so, you decided upon a white lie highly euphemistic layman's term. “I spaced out.”

He nodded, but his brows sunk, as if he weren’t buying it.

And when he did that thing where someone slightly opens their mouth because they’ve put together a response, you changed the subject. “Listen to anythin’ good while I was in space?”

Siddiq wasn’t swayed. “Do you still feel detached?”

“A little,” you answered truthfully, breathing deep and checking your watch to try gauging how long you’d been out. Except, you had no recollection of what time it had been earlier, so it was a bust. God save you, you were a mess.

“Sid. I’m sorry you’re trapped dealin’ with this shit, it ain’t fair to you. If, if you wanna bounce early, don’t feel obligated to stay, and, and—like, if you don’t wanna do this whole music thing, it’s fine. W-we don’t want you feelin’ unsafe.”

“Unsafe? Y/N, I…” he paused. “I forgive you for what you said earlier. And I’m not scared of you. Hitting Negan wasn’t okay, but…” another pause. “Compared to the way most others are baying for his blood and how you defended saving his life, I mean—you helped me save him, Y/N—” He lifted his hands, palms to the sky. “You’re my friend, we work together, it’s not like I can’t see that you’re drowning.”

Nothing prepared you to hear that.

He was calling you a friend and was still trying to be understanding, after all that…

You wanted to slam your head on a hard, rough surface and cry from the shame and simultaneous relief. You also didn’t want to accept it, and so pushed back: “You were alone out there too long. Friends d-don’t tell friends they wish they were dead.” And mean it, you did not confess.

But of all things, he merely raised one shoulder and snorted. “I’m a really good friend?”

Tears spilled at the same time that you almost laughed. No, it's true, you almost laughed. Things felt a little unreal again, but in not a bad way. The most you could do right then was send up thanks for the mercy that came out of the mess. You pinched your wrist first, then felt for your pulse.

“Compared to a few minutes ago, do you feel more like yourself now?” Siddiq made sure.

Huh. You used to ask Shane a very similar question, when he was forgetting his goodness.

You kept feeling the small beats at your wrist, reminding you that you were indeed alive, therefore capable of healing and growth.

“Heart’s still beating,” you sniffled, making yourself smile at him. The hatred and disgust you’d felt earlier seemed to you less like a fact and more like a bad dream.

Then, from the far right of the oak tree, you heard Aaron’s voice saying, “Not yet, man, they’ve got four minutes left.”

Aaron and Daryl then came into view. They waved to you as they walked by with the babies, another reminder that you that you weren’t fully dead inside. Gracie was in a stroller, TJ was bundled in Daryl’s arms. Your husband lingered behind, eyes on you as he absently pecked a kiss to your baby’s covered head.

Something stirred, and your chest fluttered and tugged in their direction, reminding you again that your heart was still beating. So was Maggie’s, so was her and Glenn’s baby’s, so was Rick’s, so was Aaron’s. Life was still going. You had a child, a husband; lifelines. Their hearts were still beating, too.

The unexpected wink and the way Daryl’s gaze softened as he looked at you made you feel as if you’d been freezing and someone just handed you a cup of cocoa with mini marshmallows. The way he next moved his lips to pronounce ‘troublemaker,’ however, you ought to have seen coming a mile away.

The heaviness in your body eased a bit. A smile started prodding the corners of your mouth. Shyly, you returned the wave and mouthed ‘mangy hick,’ your wrist bumping against the photograph sticking from your shirt pocket.

Aaron noticed him acting like a dope lagging and gestured for him to keep up. “Four more minutes and we’ll come back to get her.”

Daryl called out "slowpoke," and waved your baby’s little arm to the two of you as they walked away. He kept peeking behind him, too, it warmed you. When they reached far enough, you once again took the photograph out from your pocket.

With a final peek at Carl’s picture, you sent up a prayer and reaffirmed the promise that you’d made to him. That you’d live for him, do him proud.

So long as your heart was still beating, you’d try to do him proud. “Seems you and I got four more minutes, Sid. What’ll we pick?”

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