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heyitsyn · 4 years

Text

Enough

a/n: your sensei has come bearing gifts!!! hope you like my gift and happy 100 follower milestone everyone!!!! thank you for the ultimate support and love you’ve given me despite being only in this writer community for only about a week!! i hope to share more milestones w yall and hopefully more stories!!! byeeee

oikawa tooru x reader

(this is the full and last part of the oikawa angst)

Strangers.

That’s all you were.

Years of memories that were created before you could even walk, gone and forgotten for a relationship that didn’t even last a year.

Your parents have stopped asking for you both to interact during dinner, eventually getting used to you both not showing up to joint family meals, and there were no longer interactions shared for the next 3 years.

Until that fateful phone call.

It was about 2 in the morning and you were woken up by the loud and strong vibration from your phone that laid on top of your pillow beside you. You groaned at being woken up at such an ungodly hour on a school day so you didn’t budge and went back to sleep. But it continued for how many times and you made an irritated noise before finally opening your eyes and snatching it up to shout at who was calling you so early and why they needed you so badly.

“Hajime, I swear-”

“y/n, thank God,” he breathed out. “I know, I know, Tooru, she answered and I’m talking to her right now. You’ll be okay, alright? Here, just squeeze my hand.”

There was a bad feeling in your gut and when you heard him talking to, apparently, Tooru, you were already putting on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt over your sleeping shirt before running downstairs to get your shoes and almost ripping the fridge door to get ice packs on both hands.

“Hajime, it’s his knee, right?” You asked urgently, rummaging through the closet to get your emergency bag.

You had a sigh of relief when you found the old thing and bolted out of the house.

“H-How-”

“Practice match with Karasuno. I saw it. So, what’s wrong?”

“The shitty bastard called me because he was hurt and he couldn’t move since he messed up his knee and ankle.”

“Seijoh gym, right?”

Then there was a cry in the background.

“Yes. Now, please hurry, y/n. I know, Bakakawa! I’m telling her to hurry-!”

But you ended the call, focusing on biking faster, as fast as you could, because the longer he was hurt without medical attention, the riskier and bigger consequences were going to happen. His injuries were no surprise to you but hearing that pained shout from the other line got you to jump into action, regardless your feelings or your past.

Your bike was carelessly dumped to the side as you ran all the way to where you could hope was the gym building and you sighed in relief when you saw the bright light and the buff body of Iwaizumi Hajime pacing at the front.

“Haji!” You shouted and his eyebrows reduced from its intense furrowing before pointing behind him.

“I was already on my way to check on him when he called about being hurt but I had no ice or meds. You were my only option.”

There laid, Oikawa Tooru, clutching his ankle and knee with tears streaming down his face and his eyes tightly shut to block out anything from his sight.

Your knees slid across the floor as you quickly went to his side before you gently pried his hands from clutching his right knee and his ankle.

“Tooru,” you softly called out. His eyes flew open at your voice and his face crumpled up as a sob ripped through his throat and echoed through the gym. “It’s okay. I’m here now, it’s okay.”

You kept mumbling those words as you took off your sweatshirt and bundled it up so he could rest his knee on it. Iwa offered his jacket to elevate his ankle and you were hurriedly placing ice packs on his injured parts to prevent the bleeding in his tissues while taking out elastic tape so you could compress his ankle and knee.

“Tooru, listen to me, I know it hurts right now and I know you’re in so much pain but I need you to be strong okay? I know you hate taking pills but you need to be brave and take these so that the pain will be gone. They’re tiny little things so it won’t be hard but I’ll hold you as you take them, alright?”

Oikawa could barely register what you were saying as he was just focusing on your voice and the way your lips move.

God, has it been so long since you’ve last spoken a word to him that he completely forgot how your lips looked like as you pronounced each sound?

Only when you sat behind him and pulled him to your chest did he figure out what was happening. Iwaizumi forcefully shoved a bottle of water and gave him two white pain medicine pills.

He looked back at you to protest but once he saw your gentle smile did he breathe harshly before taking both pills at the same time and chugging down the water. You were about to scold him with the harm of taking more than one pill but quieted down when he made a hissing sound after he finished drinking.

“Breathe in and out,” you soothed.

He coughed and grimaced when it throbbed again. “But it hurts!”

Your brain began to race a thousand miles an hour to try and figure out a way for him to calm down but you were so worried that you couldn’t come up with anything. Then it struck you.

You haven’t done this in years due to the lack of interaction but this has worked every time he had a panic attack. By the looks of this, he was on his way to another one.

“Tooru, give me your hand, okay?” You laid out yours, only for him to shakily put his hand on top of it.

You turned it over so his palm was up and your other arm wrapped around him so you could reach his hand. Then you began tracing.

“Star!”

“Cloud!”

“Moon!”

He shouted every answer as you drew shapes into his tan skin and you proceeded into using simple addition problems to get his mind off of the pain and into something more practical like numbers.

“4!”

“18!”

“26!”

Iwaizumi watched in amazement as you were able to keep Tooru from jumping over the edge by simply writing characters on his palm and his olive eyes only widened as his best friend reduced the volume of his voice into whispers.

“Monkey.”

“Turtle.”

“Bread.”

“Milk.”

“Tree.”

Then he fell asleep.

The poor thing must’ve exhausted himself from training and the pain and crying.

His slump form remained against you and you tightened your hold around him, your own tears finally falling.

“I was so afraid this would happen,” you whispered out, noticing Iwa’s worried stare at you. “When he started this bullshit in middle school, all this obsessive behavior for defeating that dastardly Ushijima, I was so scared he would break himself. And he did.”

You choked out a sob.

“Haji, he hit me, did you know that?” You whimpered, not wanting to see his reaction with the thought of his best friend hitting the girl he has been crying and whining about for years. “Actually, he was about to hit Tobio but I pushed him away and took it instead because I was responsible for him as his manager.”

The words continued to spill out and you didn’t give a damn that you were spilling this out on your ex-boyfriend/best friend’s best friend.

“He felt so inferior to everyone, against Tobio for his genius ability, against Ushijima for being able to beat him for years, everyone. And there was nothing I could to prevent him from feeling so.” Iwa has now sat on the floor, noticing the melting ice pack which was making water roll down the bag.

“Instead, I was selfish and complained about not spending time with him because he was so obsessed with volleyball. For winning. But I really think I let go because I didn’t want to see him in any more pain. I didn’t want to see him torture himself anymore.”

Your fingers swept through Tooru’s damp forehead to push back the hair that stuck on the skin from his sweat.

“Then when he told me that I was actually a distraction and that he didn’t need me anymore, I saw it as the perfect opportunity. So I took it. And dammit, I feel so horrible. I will forever regret that I couldn’t help him and cut off all contact just because I was scared of what would happen next. Don’t you see, Iwa? I did this to him. This is my fault. All because I wasn’t there to stop him.”

Your tired, sad eyes finally met Hajime’s surprised olive ones.

“I wanted to talk, to rekindle at least friendship. But I knew that once I do, I’ll fall in love all over again and I’d be forced to watch him break and kill himself just for a damn trip to Tokyo. To hell with that. So I stayed away. I called him selfish but you see, I was the selfish one. It just sucks that I was able to realize it once it was too late.”

“Patellar Tendonitis.”

A normal person would’ve been confused with those words if it was directed at them but you knew what they meant, knowing they were directed towards the boy in your arms.

“Messed it up during training camp over the summer. Then his ankle got sprained. Shit went down from there.”

Your entire body trembled at the pain and suffering this boy went through and your tears flowed faster as he was so desperate for everyone’s approval that he covered it up with a smile and continued practicing.

Oh what a peculiar boy Tooru is.

“I shouldn’t have come-”

“No, you needed to.” Iwa cut you off. “For three years, he’s done nothing but mope around and cry for a girl he broke up with in middle school. During an age where you don’t even know what the hell love is, he sure got a pretty solid definition of that. And that definition, is you.”

“Iwa, you’re making me cry more!” You whined and brokenly laughed.

“It’s true,” he reasoned while leaning on his hands behind him. “This might sound creepy but he checks whenever your bedroom light is off at a certain time so he was sure you’d be able to sleep enough. If not, he secretly complains to your mother and she tells you to stop studying, right?”

You mutedly nodded, shocked at what you were hearing.

Was all that really true?

Has he been doing this since first year and throughout now?

“And this makes me feel more like shit.” Your voice cracked. “I want to just graduate and forget about this idiot and live my life. But I just can’t! Not when he’s doing this to himself.”

Iwa sighed, annoyed at his best friends’ stupid dilemma. “You know what, this thing Shittykawa is doing to himself, it’s always going to be like this. I’m sorry, y/n, but this is going to be our reality for the next few years. He’s already got his sights on playing professionally and that means more training for him to feel like he’s on the same level as those foreign players. But you need to accept him for that.” He chuckled and ran his hands through his spiky hair. “It took me a long time to accept it but he’s always going to be this shitty person who will continue to break himself just to earn a single point in a match. But to him, it’s worth it, right? As much as he pisses me the hell off, he’s still my friend and I’d just have to continuously check in on him and make sure he’s still able to walk.”

Wow, that was the last thing you would happen. Iwaizumi Hajime talking about Oikawa Tooru, the boy he always punched and threw around, with such pride in his voice.

“Just remember that, kay?”

It was a silent walk back home as you carried the boys’ and your bags while Iwa had the unconscious Oikawa on his back. Upon reaching his front door, you realized it was locked and you knew if his mother found you at the dead of morning, she’d give him an earful and that was the last thing you needed. So you offered your place, instead, taking his sleeping body straight to your room.

“Go home, Haji. He’s not going to school tomorrow so you can come over and keep him company so you don’t miss him too much,” you teased.

He grunted quietly before ruffling your head. “Like hell I would. But remember what I said, y/n. Don’t expect a change. Just accept what you have right now.”

When he finally left, you sat on the floor beside your bed, holding the hand of the currently wincing Tooru. He was having a nightmare and if you could guess, it was probably him being beaten by Shiratorizawa in a game.

“Look at me, years later from ignoring you, letting you sleep on my bed and trying to accept you. I’m truly pathetic, right, Tooru?” You whispered, leaning against his hand which was encased on your own. “During the practice match, you said you were being unfair, right? Well, I’m the one not being fair. After causing you years of confusion and pain, a mere few hours has caused me to accept you all over again.”

“Why?” His groggy voice startled you and made your grip loosen but he snatched it back up, squeezing it. “Why now?”

Your face twisted as new tears would emerge and you gave him a sad smile, “Because I just realized something. I realized that you, Oikawa Tooru, deserve to be loved. Just as you are.”

A sleepy smile appeared on his beautifully child-like face, “I’m glad.”

When you fell for him, you expected him to catch you or at least help you up. But no hand reached out for you. Then you realized that Tooru fell and landed the exact same time as you did so there was no way he would’ve been able to catch you or help you.

“Breathing the same air, in the same space, is enough to fall in love. I realized that it’s enough, actually more than enough.”

Despite just waking up, he was now able to fully process what you said and with the pain of his injuries and the lack of sleep, he was overly emotional and cursed as he started sobbing and crying.

You were finally going to take him back. You were finally going to be his again.

Your eyes softened at this and you delicately held his face in your hands, cupping it so he could look at you and boy, did his heart do a weird jump kick.

Your eyes were so warm, so full of love, that he felt naked under your gaze.

No cover, no mask, just love.

And it is enough.

“I will always regret those three years, Oikawa Tooru. But if you’d let me, I’ll willingly and diligently spend the rest of my lifetime making it up to you and helping you stand whenever you fall.”

He playfully glared at you then opened his arms for a hug, which you immediately accepted.

“You already gave your entire life to me once you promised to fall in love with me forever, baka.” You cringed at the nudge of his finger on your forehead but you smiled at him.

“I was, like, 10, Tooru.”

“But right at this exact spot, I started to fall for you and I knew there would be no one else that I’d love.”

“I’m still angry that you wanted to hit Tobio but I will have to punish you once you do something like that again, right?”

“Hah?! Stop talking about Tobio, y/n-chan!”

“He was a literal baby, Tooru. Actually, if you try and hit any of your underclassmen, I’ll hit you. And there would be no milk bread for a month.”

“HAH?! MILK BREAD?! NO FAIR, Y/N-CHAN!”

“hm? But it’s totally fair, though?”

…

In the end the author completely lied regarding a sentence from earlier.

Actually a few sentences, but that’s besides the point.

There was no ending, no final farewells, just happy beginnings and hopes for the future with a few bags of milk bread.

Because years later, those same exact words were written on a different photograph. However, there wasn’t that much of a difference because it still held a smiling and happy family. But this time, it was you and Tooru, just with an additional baby boy and baby girl.

a/n: i teased you guys too much and im so sorry!!!! but i couldnt resist not giving them a happy ending and i was getting a lot of asks for at least a part 2 so i do what the people wants!!!! now i think i might take a day or two for a break but idk i might end up posting something tomorrow probably

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alarriefantasy · 3 years

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Hi, all! So it seems that the wonderful AO3 user - objectlesson - aka on tumblr as - horsegirlharry - has sadly deleted their fics. I have only a few saved in my files, but there are some I would really love to possess, if anyone has them? I would really appreciate it if you would message me and let me know! :)

Also, I am posting the whole list of amazing stories they shared for our fandom, and I am marking (with an asterisk*) the ones that I have myself, in case anyone else would like them too! <3

Silver White Winters

by objectlesson

In which Louis catches a cloud and pins it down.

Words: 5106, Chapters: 2/2, Language: English

I Must Confess (I Still Believe)

by objectlesson

Louis shrugs, eyes on the road. “You look cute in the blazer, too,” she says nonchalantly, and what the fucking fuck, what is Harry supposed to think?

“You probably do, too, but I wouldn’t know because I don’t even think you own one? Do you ever actually wear the entire uniform?” she asks, deflecting.

“Not since freshman year!” Louis boasts proudly. “They stopped giving me demerits because it’s, like, a lost cause. I literally haven’t seen my blazer in three years, I just borrow Veronica’s when I walk into Mass.” Her grin is very cheeky and bright, and she’s squinting in the sun, aviators pushed up into the overgrown auburn shag of her hair. The horizon is hazy and pink-orange as dark sneaks up on them, the air smelling of sprinkler water and BBQ smoke from people leaching the last warmth of October before summer’s gone for good. Harry feels alive with possibility, eyes watering as she smiles at Louis, unable to stop. She wrinkles her nose like it’ll somehow hide the way it looks on her face to be in love.

Or, Harry is the new girl at an all girl Catholic Girl’s School, and Louis is the unattainable, dashing senior who changes her forever.

Words: 44304, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Powerless (and I Don’t Care It’s Obvious)

by objectlesson

“Oh no, Lou, don’t make me laugh,” he whimpers. His Ribena-purple mouth twists into a glorious, breakable shape, and Louis’s heart stops. He should not be getting turned on by Harry’s full-bladder discomfort, his little twitches, his hips-stuttering. And yet.

Words: 4090, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

The Pink Ghost of Princess Park

by objectlesson

The thought of the vibrator does not go away. It’s sitting there collecting dust all through January, and every time Harry and Louis have to leave town for a press event or a show or to record or what have you, they come back home, and it’s still there, the Pink Ghost of Princess Park, the fucking glittery haunting that Harry cannot stop thinking of Louis stuffing up his arse.

Words: 7556, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

*Life Saver

by objectlesson

Nerd Boy’s giant, dorky, adorable hand shoots into the air. Louis notices he has chipped red polish on a few of his nails and some tattered friendship-looking bracelets, like the sort you make in camp, and he might hear the distant chime of wedding bells. He thought he didn’t even believe in marriage because it’s, like, oppressive and heteronormative or whatever, but that was before Styles, Harry (Harry Styles!!! What an absurd, wonderful name! What a perfect thing to scrawl in the margins of all his notebooks surrounded in hearts!) appeared in the bio lab at his new school and ruined all his principles forever.

or, Louis is a sweetheart punk with a theater background and a heart of gold, Harry is an inexperienced nerd who plays by the rules. Classmates, lab partners, and eventually friends, what happens when Louis knows he’s in love, but doesn’t know how tell Harry?

Words: 14809, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Even Your Honey Dew

by objectlesson

It probably says something about Harry that he’s so obsessed with another omega’s arse.

Words: 9512, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

What a Heavenly Way To Die

by objectlesson

She’s thought about it a lot, and two big things seem to be holding her back, aside from the uncontrollable paralysis that overtakes her body every time she so much as tries to sneak a hand under the waistband of Harry’s knickers.

Or, Louis is afraid to do stuff to Harry, who has done a lot of stuff to her.

Words: 8052, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

A Firm Believer and a Warm Receiver

by objectlesson

a few months ago, Louis had his first heat. It was no big deal, aside from it being awkward and weird and all the other things it was supposed to be. He figured he would present as an omega, so he wasn’t exactly surprised or anything.

But then, last week, Harry had his first heat, too.

Or, the omega/omega sleepover fic no one asked for but y'all really, really need.

Words: 10895, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

You’ll Know What Makes The World Turn

by objectlesson

Sometimes, when things are messy and they have more than a few weeks apart, they need the reminder. It’s comforting to have stars to map your course by.

or, Harry’s blue bandana is a day collar.

Words: 4624, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Sing You Butterflies

by objectlesson

Louis stares for a moment before some primal sympathetic force in him activates. He has to help this boy. He can hardly walk, and he seems so young (yet ageless, beyond age, like a sea turtle or a parrot or a tree or something else odd and magical), and on top of all that, he has body glitter clinging to his skin, like that roll-on stuff his sisters used to use as preteens, only pink-gold and twice as thick. It’s, like, professional grade. He’s also wearing grass- and dirt-stained pink silk women’s underwear, so maybe he’s from London. Maybe he’s a drag queen who crawled all the way from a nightclub in Soho just to save Louis from his horribly mundane and woefully heterosexual neighbours out here in the middle of nowhere.

or, Harry’s a clumsy unicorn who accidentally stomps on a witch’s garden and is turned into a human as punishment, so he wanders into a nearby village covered in glitter, still figuring out how to walk on two feet, and meets the fairy-tale-fine Louis, who has to teach him how to live as a human and stop him from eating soap.

Words: 22701, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Holy

by objectlesson

She deserves not to be so goddamned put together all the time. Being in the world’s biggest and highest exposure girlband means she’s never seen without a flat stomach, a spray tan, contouring, eyelash extensions, the whole of her body inescapably toned and plucked and waxed so frequently she genuinely forgot what fucking color her own pubes are. Louis wants to eat burgers and smoke weed and be twenty three. She wants to wake up with Harry and spend the whole day in bed fingering each other because they finally don’t have to have goddamn acrylic nails for once. She wants to grow her pubes out. She wants to lounge around in a posh, red-velvet High Hefner robe.

Or, Louis is dressed like a fucking queen, Harry’s begging please.

Words: 6608, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Only One I Dream Of: A Drabble Collection

by objectlesson

A collection of all the m/m One Direction drabbles and timestamps I’ve written on tumblr, so my readers on here aren’t missing out!

Words: 5164, Chapters: 5/13, Language: English

Diamonds in the Moonlight

by objectlesson

The 70s au where Harry is a rich girl stuck in the suburbs who thinks she loves Shaun Cassidy, and Louis is the skater who breaks into her backyard and changes everything forever.

Words: 16136, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

In the Heat of the Night

by objectlesson

“You’re sleeping with me, obviously,” Harry says then, pausing to regard Louis with a funny expression, nose wrinkled and brows drawn tight. “Don’t tell me you thought that I’d let you freeze out here!? Absolutely not! C’mon, the bedroom’s cozy, I dragged a space heater out.”

Louis wants to protest about as badly as she wants to sleep next to Harry Styles, which is a lot. Too much.

Or, Louis is the only butch in London with a truck and Harry needs to move a couch.

Words: 7726, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Once Upon a Dream

by objectlesson

“M’not gonna half-ass our fake relationship,” Louis almost snaps, voice sharp with a defensive edge, like Harry wandered too close to a bruise with needy fingers. “Now kiss me again. We’re gonna make every shitty tourist here wish they had stayed in the Midwest. We’re gonna burn Disneyland down with our gay. ”

Harry shuts his eyes and opens his mouth, because he can’t fucking say no to Louis.

Or, a fake dating AU where everyone is lying and they happen to be at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Words: 16643, Chapters: ½, Language: English

From Now Until Forever

by objectlesson

The girls go to Britney Nite and Louis wears Juicy track pants and Harry is not ok.

Niall takes the pint glass back from Harry and takes a swig, regarding her over the rim knowingly. “You’re nervous,” she observes with a grin. “Because you’re gonna get drunk at a gay bar with Louis, and you haven’t told her yet that you wanna marry her.”

“Oh, my god, stop,” Harry scolds, hiding her face in her hands, everything suddenly hot and shivery. “It’s not that,” she adds, even though it most definitely is.

“Then…you’re excited to see Louis in a schoolgirl skirt and bra? Covered in that body glitter that smells like cotton candy?” Niall presses, waggling her eyebrows, making Harry blush at the mere thought of Louis’s golden skin shimmering and sticky under club lights.

Words: 9223, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Hello, Heaven (you are tunnel-lined with yellow lights

by objectlesson

“Oh, yeah?” Harry asks, playing dumb as he helps Louis out of his coat before hanging it up. “A new phone charger? Mine’s still broken, the electrical tape didn’t work.”

Louis makes a face at him, all arched brows and tongue pressed into cheek. “Oh a phone charger? Is that what you need?” he quips lightly, voice high and lilting in this sing-song way that’s so, so high and gentle that it’s scary. He’s putting on a show for Harry, and Harry’s thrilled with it, already shivery and hot-cheeked because Louis got him something naughty, and they’re talking about it without really talking about it, wrapping it up in layers of mundanity and domesticity, still so excited to play the role of two Adults living in their new Adult flat in London that they bought with their own money from the X Factor. Harry’s living an unimaginably glamourous life so suddenly, and Louis and his gifts are right in the middle of it, the heart of his every dream.

Or, Louis buys Harry things sometimes.

Words: 2988, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Dream About That Casual Touch

by objectlesson

And that was the first thing Louis noticed about her. Not her nipples, or not only her nipples, anyway, but the fact that she was so confident with her body and didn’t seem to care that her tits were sort of soft and floppy and uneven or that she had a little roll of pudge around her hips that poked over the top of her jeans when she wore crop tops. She wore what she wanted to wear whether or not it was in fashion or technically even flattering; her hair was always messy, she only wore makeup half the time, and she seemed to like heeled boots even if she was already fairly tall and they made her tower over the boys. Louis always thought it was so fucking sexy how unconcerned Harry seemed with what people thought of her, how comfortable she was in her own skin. That by itself seemed like a sort-of gay thing, so Louis kept a remote, careful eye on her, hoping to one day see something else that blipped her radar.

Or, Louis and Harry fuck up two dates before they finally get it right.

Words: 7678, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

*Smoke Dreams from Smoke Rings

by objectlesson

“When I get a craving?” Louis says, “You have to help me chase it away. Distract me”

Oh. Harry can think of about one hundred different ways to distract Louis Tomlinson. One hundred better uses for his mouth, for example. “Erm,” he squeaks, well aware of the fact that he’s grinning and dimpling and blushing all at once, his whole face a suddenly mortifying warzone of transparent emotion. “How?”

“By hitting my arm as hard as you can,” Louis announces, holding out the arm in question. It bridges the gap between them, stiff and expectant, and Harry stares, not entirely sure if Louis’s being serious, if this is some prank that he isn’t clever enough to understand, or if the promise of touching Louis under any circumstances is so titillating that he just can’t process it. Louis rolls up the sleeve of his hoodie then, revealing his pale inner arm in maddening increments, pushing Harry somewhere between drooling and vomiting, he isn’t sure which. He just knows that his mouth is flooded, and the barely-there ghost of Louis’s veins through his skin is the prettiest thing that he’s ever seen. “Go on, hit me,” Louis orders. “Don’t be shy,”

or, Louis enlists Harry to help him with his bad habit.

Words: 18116, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Black Stars and Endless Seas

by objectlesson

Or, A Star Trek Original Series AU where Lt. Styles is a young science officer on his first away mission, and Louis is the headstrong ensign assigned to his security detail, and maybe they would be able to function together professionally in a normal setting, but not when their shuttlecraft crash-lands and they end up marooned together on an improbably and unfairly beautiful planet.

Words: 32246, Chapters: 3/3, Language: English

Rose Garden Dreams

by objectlesson

Harry thinks it’s a fever-induced delirium, at first. After all, she’s been sick in bed for a full forty-eight hours following the Best and Most Important beach trip of her entire life because fate is a cruel and jealous bitch who doesn’t want Harry to go on a date with the girl of her dreams.

or, Harry is sick and Louis comes to visit her.

Words: 9464, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Palms Reflecting in Your Eyes

by objectlesson

Harry visits Louis at his campus and finds a crop on the wall.

Words: 6496, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Wrap You Up in Daisy Chains

by objectlesson

Ten minutes later, an awkward, long-legged, curly-haired, so pale she’s reflective, and so obviously gay-looking Harry Styles is sitting shotgun next to Louis in a bikini, denim cut-offs, and heart-framed sunnies.

Or, Harry and Louis and a too-small bathing suit.

Words: 10613, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

To Keep the Night From Ending

by objectlesson

It doesn’t always feel real to kiss in the dark, Harry guesses. He wants it to feel real. He wants it to be the realest thing, burnt indelibly into his skin.

Or, Harry and Louis take a night swim.

Words: 5036, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Good Enough to Eat

by objectlesson

“Fuck,” Harry mumbles, shuffling. “You won’t give me shit for it? It’s sorta weird.”

“No,” Louis breathes. “Promise.”

“Okay. I just…fuck, I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” Harry whimpers, and he must be blushing because Louis can feel waves of heat coming off him, his embarrassment a hot, palpable thing. “So, like…I love rimming videos. Nothing makes me come harder,” he admits, covering his face with his hands so his voice comes out muffled and strangled.

It takes Louis a few seconds to process, to mentally rifle through his Pornhub search history and remember what rimming even is; Harry has him so stupid he can’t keep stuff straight. His ears ring, and then it hits him, and, oh, fuck. His stomach turns and tightens so quickly he’s gasping, an audible and shameful scrape of air in the dark. “You…really?” he chokes out.

Or, Harry is convinced he’s never gonna be able to try his favorite porn fantasy on a real boy, and Louis offers to remedy this.

Words: 6722, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Grenadine Sunshine

by objectlesson

Harry’s only sixteen, it shows right now, and Louis wants…he wants so many things. He wants to taste the faint, sugary ghost of lip gloss, he wants to cup Harry’s face between his palms and swipe the shimmery wet shadows from beneath his eyes. He wants to show him everything he knows, even though he doesn’t know anything about this, about kissing boys or flirting with them or doing their makeup or even showing them it’s okay to want to wear makeup in the first place. Still, Louis just wants, wants and wants and wants. It’s what Harry does to him.

Words: 18067, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Only Angel

by objectlesson

Louis pops his hip out, looking down at Harry from beneath the cut of his fringe sassily. “How do I look?”

Harry…Harry doesn’t have words, not really. He sits there on the floor with a half-hard cock, gazing up at this taller, scarier version of Louis with wide eyes. “Like I want you to spin-kick me in the face,” he admits after a moment, shakily inhaling. “You look…really good.”

Or, Louis finds a pair of heels that fit, and Harry wants to be ruined, as per usual.

Words: 6599, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Someone Who Knows How To Ride

by objectlesson

Harry gives Louis a lap dance. Or, at least, he tries to.

Words: 5114, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Copper Kiss

by objectlesson

Harry’s not allowed to fly back to the UK without marks to remember Louis by.

Words: 4604, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

You Drive Me Crazy ( I Just Can’t Sleep)

by objectlesson

The first time Louis ends up in Harry’s bed is a total accident.

Words: 18520, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Christmas Without You

by objectlesson

It’s Christmas Eve and Harry misses Louis so badly he might be going little crazy.

Words: 5639, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Vinyl and Lace

by objectlesson

Harry tries on a skirt in the X Factor dressing room as a joke. Louis doesn’t think it’s very funny.

Words: 7541, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Touch of My Hand

by objectlesson

Words: 3104, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: One Direction (Band)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: M/M

Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson

Additional Tags: Tour Bus Sex, Bus Sex, PWP, Up All Night Tour, Uan era, Canon Compliant, baby boyfriends in love, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Established Relationship

Born to Make You Happy

by objectlesson

Harry makes a quiet vow to himself that he will be the very best girlfriend Louis has ever had, even if he never actually gets to be Louis’s girlfriend.

Words: 25662, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Taste of a Poison Paradise

by objectlesson

Louis notices Harry’s mouth right away.

Words: 9894, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

A Little Love (is better than none)

by objectlesson

It’s supposed to be no strings attached sex, but Harry’s in love with beauty and tragedy and Louis Tomlinson so there might actually a few strings they’re not talking about.

Or, alternately, the four times they fuck and don’t kiss, and one time they fuck and do (with a few more times thrown in because I’m a mess and know how to write short fics).

Words: 15074, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

*Take Me Under the Blue

by objectlesson

Louis hasn’t even seen his legs yet. He doesn’t know how they work or how long they’ll be. Maybe they won’t suit the rest of Harry at all, and he’ll have to grow into them or something. It doesn’t matter; Louis has loved Harry for a year with scales, so he can’t imagine wonky legs putting a damper on his attraction.

He supposes he’ll just have to find out. In the meantime, he wonders how the fuck he got here, in his squelching wellies about to save the love of his life from the sea and take him to bed and bang him for the very first time.

It’s sort of a long story.

Words: 19011, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

#deleted fics #objectlesson #horsegirlharry #larry fics #larry stylinson #larry fic rec

84 notes · View notes

thinkingback-movingforward · 5 years

Text

2017

Sunday. May 21, 2017.

I'm here again. I'm finally here, it took a while, but I'm back. I've felt alright a few times, but this time it's different. I honestly feel good vibes emitting from my personal aura. There's no exact reason for it either. I can't pinpoint a moment within the past two days that changed my mood around drastically, but I'm not complaining. I want to stay like this, if not forever, at least for a little while longer.

Monday. May 29, 2017.

*news update

This past week I reconnected with Jean Urbano. It's honestly been a great week. The best week of the year, by far. Fun. Laughs. Drinks. Bikes. Sweet. Drunk. Bittersweet. These are the words that come to my mind right now; also, "strictly platonic".

I keep thinking to myself, what if? What if I wasn't being weird and stupid and we became close before? We're literally neighbors, like 4 houses down. I probably would've seen her every day or every other day. I regret that. Maybe we could've been something. Maybe not. Maybe she would've pushed me to be someone great. Maybe not. Maybe she would've ended up being the one. Maybe not.

But she is a catch. If you have someone like her, keep her.

I've always had a crush on her. I've always liked how she dressed. Her laugh is cute. She fucking bikes, like come on fam. She's still the same as before. Just better, obviously.

At least we're friends again.

Thursday. June 1, 2017.

You're the only reason I'm regretting this move. You're the only reason I want to stay on this block, three houses away. I've had all these years, but only realized how good I could've had it, now that's it's too late.

Friday. June 2, 2017.

I'm trying to find solace in romantic films, but I think it's having the opposite effect.

*update*

After hearing Jean's amazing surprise story, I'm starting to feel a bit better. She is an amazing woman, and an amazing girlfriend and Jose is lucky to have her. They are both lucky to have and, they definitely, deserve each other.

Wednesday. June 7, 2017.

Technically, it's the next day as I'm writing this.

She came over, exhausted from the night before she rested after we talked a little bit. We were supposed to do work.

She said she could feel herself starting to get sick. Her throat hurt and her body ached. All I wanted to do was take care of her. I wanted to cuddle with her and rest with her, but I can't.

I made her some tea, got her water, and put on music. I thought listening to her favorite band would make her feel better. And as much as I tried to, I couldn't sleep.

As we lay, at one point she woke up. We started talking again. About life and us and little jokes here and there. When I'm with her, I have all this energy. I have to be completely exhausted to fall asleep with her there.

I tried my hardest all night. I didn't touch her. I didn't comfort her. I stayed my distance. She would turn to her side, head rested on her arm and look at me as I did the same. I can't help but smile when I look at her. That image, what I would do to wake up to that very same image of her every morning. If she could be the first and last thing I see every day and night, I would be the happiest guy in the world.

If I could ever have her, I would never let her go.

At the very last half hour before she left, it happened. Nothin wild or sexual, she moved closer to me and as our elbows overlapped, we got closer and I spooned her. I was trying to contain myself all night, but I'm glad I got to embrace her again.

I finally got to feel the warmth of her body again. I got to feel our fingers, intertwining and mingling. I could feel my heart race, just by being closer to her. I wonder if she could feel my breath on her neck, or how nervous and excited she makes me feel. I wanted to kiss her so badly. I don't even think she knows I didn't particularly mean on the lips either. That whole night, I was thinking when would be a good time to kiss her forehead, but I never got to do it.

I wonder if this is real. Is this love?

I've only ever felt like this one other time.

Then why do I feel like I don't fit in to her story.

I want to say, I love her. But how can I even say that? I wonder if she feels the same way... how can I love someone when we just reconnected two weeks ago. Why is this so natural. Why do I feel so at ease around her. Why is she so fucking awesome. Why am I not?

It's hard for me to feel confident when she is an adult, has a degree, and a career? I don't even have my license... I haven't graduated... and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

I feel I need to up my game a lot, even though I know deep down she doesn't care about all that, and she does care about me. Obviously she would want what's best for me but you know what I mean.

She never judged me.. how did I lose such an important person? I'm glad she's back. I'm glad she's back in my life, regardless of how bittersweet she makes me feel at times. I like grabbing food, and drinking, and playing games, and staying up late with her. I like her presence. I like her petite body, and thin hair. I like that she bikes and can keep up, or even be way ahead of me. I like how adventurous she is, although she is sometimes reckless. I like her awkward turtle posture, and her cat smile; which is funny because she has turtles and cats as pets. I like her banged up legs, she works hard and goes hard. I like that she's so charming, as you can see from all the people around her. I like her.

I love her.

Thursday. June 8, 2017.

How did she quickly become one of my favorite people? 10 years later, how everything has changed, yet nothing changed between us.

Saturday. June 10, 2017.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate that I love you.

I HATE YOU

is what I want to say,

But I love you. Fuck me. I actually do love you.

Friday. June 16, 2017.

She dropped me home after a long day and had a great dinner. We were so full. I want to throw up.

But, she dropped me home and we stayed in the car a little bit. I stared at her as she stared at me. It sucks. I felt like she wanted to kiss me. I felt like she actually wanted me to kiss her, but I knew it wouldn't happen. I would've loved to kiss her. I wanted to brush her hair back and grab her head and kiss her. I wish she was mine, but at the same time I don't feel she belongs with me. Maybe it's my lack of self confidence. I feel like I'm not good enough for her. I wonder what she even sees in me, if she sees anything at all.

Regardless of everything, I love her, and I want her to be happy.

Saturday. June 17, 2017.

I'm not mentally strong. At all.

Why am I sitting in my closet, surrounded by darkness and faint music, tearing up at thoughts and feelings that I chose myself.

I'm hurting myself, actually. I can't blame her for anything.

I'm crying and I can't really pinpoint the exact reasons why.

"No matter what lies you tell yourself, you can't fool your own heart."

Sunday. June 18, 2017.

I guess, who I want is, someone that can make me be goofy and carefree and not care about what everyone else is thinking of me, as I laugh with her and we're caught between each other's gazes, living in the moment.

*update

I invited Jean over to a family friend barbecue. I'm not really sure what I was thinking haha. Obviously the only reason you invite someone else over of the opposite sex is if you're seeing them and that's not what is happening here. I see her, a lot actually, but I'm not dating her. I would love to though. I maybe even love her. I just know I can't deny how I feel when I look at her. I feel bittersweet, parts of happiness and parts of sadness.

Monday. June 19, 2017.

It suddenly started pouring and thundering. All I'm picturing is us running through the rain, laughing and having fun; then showering together, and then getting all cozy on the couch wrapped up in a big comforter.

You. I wish I could do that with you. I wish you would have these thoughts of doing cute shit with me also, but...

I'm starting to reach that point where it does bother me when she mentions his name and shit, but that's her boyfriend so.

Tuesday. June 20, 2017.

It's technically Tuesday, it's 12:37 AM.

I wish you would call me, and even if we run out of things to say, you would lay there in the silence as we fall asleep.

Jose is lucky, or maybe I'm unlucky, or maybe this is God's plan. Maybe he thinks she can impact me in a non significant other type way, or maybe he is cynical and wanted to show me what I missed out on.

I hate you because I love you.

Thursday. June 22, 2017.

I didn't get to write about it, but Tuesday was an awesome night. I think it was greatly contrasted by my terrible day, leading to a more awesome night.

My friend, Juan, invited me to be part of ENI's entourage. ENI is an upcoming star! Her single Kissing in the Dark Is already so popular, but I digress.

By going to the event, I met a lot of cool people, such as Laura, Arthur, Pat, and ENI herself. I think it's cool what creatives do and how they're all so different, but all hustle to do something more with their lives. I want to be like them. I want to be part of the creative world. All I need to do is act upon what I want to do.

Tuesday. July 18, 2017.

It's been a while. I guess things are okay. I still love her. My feelings are there. Every time I see her. Every single small conversation we have, even the meaningless ones aren't meaningless at all.

I guess I'm more understanding and I just don't want to be hung up on someone that I can't end up with. But I love her, and I love that she is back in my life. She's a great person, and an amazing friend.

Thursday. July 27, 2017.

Jean. Why are you at my house?

Why did you call me and drive to me just because Jose was already asleep? Why didn't you just go home? Why did you sleep here? Maybe because to 'get some work done' which you didn't do since you were drunk from Angelo's birthday dinner.

I just want to know why.

Why am I not trying to lay down in bed with you right now? Why am I forcing myself to not kiss you right now? These are questions with answers. I don't have any for my questions. (Well, I'm lying. I know you said if you went home you would not have gotten the papers graded, but to be fair, I wrote this whole thing before we graded the papers)

Do you like me? Do you like our friendship? Do you like taking care of me? Do I love you?

I do. I love you.

Sunday. July 30, 2017.

Party. Biking. Fountain. Ticket.

I love her.

I kind of know she doesn't, and I can't help but think I'm fucking weird.

It hurts.

It's been a while since I laughed and had fun in a fountain, I think two years. Was it worth freezing afterwards and getting a $30 ticket because I didn't realize I was supposed to say no to having my ID? It was worth every second and every cent.

*update

"Everyone has had hard experiences in their life. We have to go forward, loving ourselves as a whole, including our weaknesses."

Wednesday. August 9, 2017.

It's been a while since I wrote anything. As of right now I'm currently facetiming with Jean. We do this from time to time, just facetiming whenever she has the time to; either when she's driving or late at night or shopping at Walmart.

I enjoy these times with her. It's hard not to look at her and just want to smile.

Bury these feelings deep down, and love her as a friend.

Thursday. August 10, 2017.

24 inches. 18 inches. 6 inches. Those are the different amounts of distances between both of our lips as we lay on the couch watching the movie.

I so badly wanted to just grab her hand, or grab her face and kiss her. I want to so bad. But...

She just left. Last night was great. It was the first time we rode our new bikes together. I missed biking with her. I miss the feeling. I miss living closer to her.

We saw The Lobster, which was a lot more surprising than I thought. It was definitely an unexpected movie in a good way. I like sharing a couch with her, there's something about having her next to me.

I am lowkey, probably not lowkey for her, trying to win this challenge. I want to go out with her for dinner and drinks, if she lets me redeem that prize.

I wish I could at least have the drumroll. When the mood seemed alright, I would grab her and look at her and go for it, but slowly, as I approach closer and closer to lips, and right before they touch, we stop.

Friday. August 11, 2017.

It happened. I didn't expect it to be like this or for it to happen like this, but it happened. We need to stop talking.

Jean told Jose I was in love with her, which after reading my previous notes, is fair. I am in love with her.

But now we can't talk. I'm not really sure yet how I feel about it besides that it's shitty, and this sucks and I FUCKING HATE IT.

I love talking to her, even about miscellaneous things. I like telling her about my day. I like hearing about hers. I like being emotional with her. I love that I'm about 97% always smiling when I'm with her or talking to her. I feel like I'm losing a big part of me, and our silence hasn't happened yet.

I don't know if I'll last. I don't think my feelings for her will ever go away. They will always be there. I wish my feelings weren't an inconvenience, but to be honest, I like that she knows how I feel about her.

I shared my notes about her over the past two and a half months, after some

nagging and persuasion. I don't regret sharing them, although I thought I would at first. I simply watched her as she was reading through my notes. I'm not entirely sure how she feels about all of them. All I saw were tears and that it's all so heartbreaking.

I'm currently facetiming with her, but she fell asleep. Honestly I'm surprised she even lasted this long. She deserves a good night's rest.

She is beautiful. She always looks beautiful. It's not even my skewed vision of how I see her, she is just naturally beautiful.

I know she feels Jose is her grand finale, but then why do I feel like she's mine? Is is wrong to feel that way? If I ever, ever, EVER, had a chance to be hers. I WOULD NEVER FUCKING LET GO.

I feel like this is all just my bullshit selfish brain talking now.

I'm glad she's happy. I'm glad she feels Jose is her 'one' because it's not everyday that people feel that. If you're ever lucky enough to have that feeling, go for it. I want her to be happy and I know she wants me to be happy, which is probably why she blames herself and she feels selfish and sort of an asshole. I don't blame her at all, for anything. These feelings are my feelings and I love her.

But what can you do?

Also, since I shared my notes with her. I kind of want to move them back, but I kind of also want to leave them there, incase she wants to go back and read them anytime, during our silence.

I don't think she knows the power and effect she has on me, not only physical and emotionally, but mentally.

I don't think anyone that I truly care about knows how much they affect me.

I have no energy. I had no real appetite earlier. I had no motivation to go to the gym. I hope it's just today. I don't want to let Jean down, but I also don't want to let myself down. I want to prove that she has made a positive impact. She won't be like everyone else in my life. I knew she this would have to come eventually, not being able to talk all the time, I just need to try my best and not let it affect me too much.

I'm stronger now, and I'd like to think she has affected me within these past few months.

Saturday. August 12, 2017.

I got a photo from Jean. That surprised me, but I was so happy. First of all, I don't have any pictures of her, like at all. Second, she looks so bomb! Oooo that blue velvet (?), I always forget what type of material that is, dress is fire! She got cuuuuurves!

*update

I wake up and get a text from her saying, "I broke my arm."

LIKE, WHAT? YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT AND NOTHIN ELSE.

I hope she's okay.. how did she break her arm?! What..

I hope she's okay...

*update, she's fine

*update

I just left Nina's Body and Pole party. It was great, and definitely a different experience.

I don't know why I'm like this, but so can't seem to be normal. I tried, but I felt like I was trying to avoid Jean and Jose. I hate when I can feel and notice what I'm doing. She probably feels the same way, knowing that I was kind of avoiding them.

It's hard. I knew it was hard before, but I guess I didn't reallly see them together, that much, before. But it makes sense, the two don't really know Nina so it's obvious they would stick together.

(Side note: Jose and Jean were killing it out there to be honest!)

I kind of wanted to stay with them and have fun, but I also kind of wanted to leave the group. But here I am now, on a train to Edison.

Monday. August 14, 2017.

I don't feel all there, I feel like I'm mentally regressing again...

I feel like I'm struggling, with something inside me. I just don't know what it is.

P.s. the rug was obviously sold out. I'm stupid.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm here in the middle of the food court in Jersey Gardens, eating this combo that I shouldn't have bought, and I feel like crying.

What is wrong with me..

Tuesday. August 15, 2017.

Yesterday was a great night. I actually had a heart to heart with Alfredo, finally. I also opened up a bit more to Jean, I feel like, emotionally. I feel that she's getting to know me more and more on a personal level from all our interactions, talks, and my notes. I'm not the best at confrontation, but it does feel nice to be bare and vulnerable, especially to someone that truly cares about you.

I cried, a bit much actually. I truly do appreciate my friends who let me cry, because sometimes I just can't hold it. I was always made fun of by my dad about how easily I cried when I was younger, so I try not to. Sometimes I get deep in my thoughts and they just come out.

We went out for drinks, and it was great to hang out with our trio again. I did miss Alfredo. We also met some cool people throughout the night. The rain killed our bike adventure, but I don't know if Jean would've lasted to be honest. (lol)

But she dropped me home, and I always like it when she stays over. I love when we're gazing at each other. I never know what she's thinking as she does, but I enjoy the moment.

I also got to hold her hand while we layed, not together obviously, I'm on the ground, but that got me happy as fuck.

Any physical touch we share, I appreciate. Whether it's a light hit when I mention her white frames or olympics, to her light caress of my face.

Sometimes I feel she's so close to me, yet so far away.

Wednesday. August 16, 2017.

I'm so impulsive lol.

I just bought a Saturday Afropunk ticket for Jean. This time I get to be with her the whole time! I'm excited.

Saturday. August 19, 2017.

I miss her.

I wonder if she misses me too.

It's only been a few days though.

What qualifies as needy?

I wish she would've just said to come downtown at 12. I would've gotten ready and came downtown so fast. Then she says she was denied permission...

Whatever that means.

I want to see her. I want to be in her presence right now. Not some awkward small talk presence, but our regular good vibes presence.

*update

Why don't I feel good right now?

I feel kind of...

I'm losing energy. I feel weak. I need a recharge.

*update

Who would have thought a nail cutter would make me upset? I guess it's just my low energy and stress right now contributing to the situation.

My dad was cleaning and I thought he put everything in my room, even this nail cutter, but it wasn't the right one. I ask him where's the nail cutter with the giraffe part and he says he didn't see it.

I get upset as I'm looking everywhere for it. Why do I even get upset? I would say it's because it's Jean's. She let me borrow it before, and I just never returned it. I guess, seeing as I don't have her, I like to hold on to anything that's a part of her.

At least I found it.

Am I going crazy?...

Sunday. August 20, 2017.

I'm eating McDonald's... I guess it's fine to back track once in a while. If I had a choice I wouldn't have but it's fine.

I hope she's having a fun time upstate! It sounds like a really fun time.

*update

I still think about her all the time. I wish we could go out into a sunflower field and dance under the sun.

Monday. August 21, 2017.

I don't know how to express into words how I'm feeling.

Wednesday. August 23, 2017.

I biked home in the rain, again. This time was a bit harder than the previous one. I hope I don't get sick again.

The thing is, I don't even mind the rain. I guess it's the fact that I'm still alone under this rainfall. It feels cold, and even colder when I know I'm coming home to nothing.

But one day, she'll be there. Whoever she may be. Making every trip under the rain full of laughter and smiles, and we'll find comfort and warmth in each others' presence.

My dad.. I feel like he has no care for anything that's ours anymore, as long as the house is fucking clean. I'm not missing anything major, but they are things I fucking use. I hate not knowing where my own shit is in my own house.

My parents didn't fuck up or anything, I'm just not mentally strong enough.

But I do promise, to my future children, I will do such a great job, along with your mother. Love will flow throughout our family, along with honesty and forgiveness. I promise to do my very best.

Thursday. August 24, 2017.

She is so beautiful, and she doesn't even know it, or at least doesn't want to accept it.

I know, whoever I marry, when I see my future wife come out and walk down the aisle. I will cry, without a doubt.

And whoever she ends up with, if not me, then I would like to be invited to her wedding to at least be able to witness her in all her glory. She will be so beautiful, and happy, god she better be happy.

No matter what, I'll love you. I'll always love you.

Friday. August 25, 2017.

I think, I'm starting to get over my feelings; or at least just realizing that I shouldn't have them and it's stupid hurting myself.

I can't rely on her for happiness. I should create happiness within myself. I don't even know who I am.

I'm sorry. Do I regret everything that has happened this summer? Not at all, but I'm sorry.

They look great together.

I don't even want to feel hopeful. I'm not even trying to, but part of me still is. I just want to not be hopeful and forget those feelings and just be okay with them two. I want to be able to hang out with her without it being a problem, on like some gay best friend type shit.

Plus, like I said to myself, I don't FIT IN with her life. I just don't. Things should stay how they are now, except with maybe a bit more talking lol.

Saturday. August 26, 2017.

Afropunk: Saturday was a success! If I do say so myself. I'm hella lit right now, she's knocked out, and definitely full as fuck lol.

My dad loves Jean, (why wouldn't he?!) and I have other relatives over too, what a great situation lmao.

She's amazing. I'm glad she spent the day with me. Even though she couldn't say no anyway.

I'm happy.

Part of me was like, I want her so bad right now. Part of me was like, come on man what are you doing? Part of me was like, ah I'm sorry. Part of me was like, kiss her, KISS HER!

It's been a while though, since I got to sleep next to her, or since I got to embrace her body. I could feel the warmth of her breath, as I inhale her air. I spooned her, and it was great. I miss the feeling of our bodies touching.

I don't even know if I mentioned that we ate $40 in churros at Afropunk, 15 churros each, 30 total. I'm pretty sure we spent a lot of money, but I'm reckless. I don't even think about money when it comes to her.

THANK YOU FOR AN AWESOME TIME ❤️

I'm not ready to give her up. I don't know how that sounds. I'm not ready to give up these feelings for her. I want these feelings to remain as strong as they can be for as long as possible, to be honest. Am I crazy? Yes. Am I stupid? Yes. But that's me.

Sunday. August 27, 2017.

WORTH IT. EVERY SECOND OF THIS WEEKEND WAS WORTH IT. EVERY FAT INCREASING FOOD AND DRINK, THE SORE KNEES AND FEET, MY LOSS OF VOICE, EVERYTHING WAS WORTH. THANK YOU.

Monday. August 28, 2017.

Sometimes, I'm up at night and I don't know what I feel like doing. I don't feel like sleeping, I don't feel like watching YouTube or a movie, and I don't feel like eating, so I waste time doing whatever, and I don't even really know what I'm doing but actually wasting time.

I should just sleep.

I wish I had a recording of her voice. Not of even anything specific, just talking. She should record herself reading a book. Just the audio would be fine too. I would love to listen and fall asleep to her voice every night. It would be awesome if she did some ukulele covers too. Hearing her sing every night, I would sleep great all the time.

I hope when she reads this note, whenever that is, this gives her some ideas. Wink~

Please?

lol

I laugh because I already know your answer

*update

... nevermind

*update

I can't wait to reach that point where I fully understand Jean and I are just friends and Jose let's us hang out and she can come over whenever she pleases, and she'll be my best friend.

If that could ever happen. I wish.

Tuesday. August 29, 2017.

I want to do random or spontaneous things with you.

A DIY succulent date, how awesome does that sound?

But what are the chances, we can't even play tennis together...

I'm sorry that every time there's an event or I want to do something, I want to experience it with you.

Thursday. August 31, 2017.

Note to self

Jean's first day/night in Miami. She said "Craziest thing ever happened I gotta tell you the whole story".

Nevermind, she just told that crazy coincidence of a story. It just seems like she's always lucky. Gods are shining down on her haha.

I haven't slept yet, and it's 6:00 AM.

I highkey wish you were here with me, just staying up, smoking and laughing, while helping me fold my clothes.

*update

God! I'm just trying to see this fire ass two piece picture of Jean. LIKE COME ON GIRL, SEND IT TO ME. You read all my notes and my vulnerable side. I'M TRYING TO SEE THIS SEXY MOTHAFUCKIN' PICTURE OF HER!!!!!

Just send it to me so I can heart eyes emoji all over that motherfucker and drool a little bit.

*quick update

She sent me the photo. For some reason, I thought it'd be more scandalous lol.

I find her extremely attractive. She's like a perfect mix of cool, sexy, and derpy.

Wednesday. September 13, 2017.

I'm sorry. I'm so selfish...

Saturday. September 16, 2017.

Arveen and Thai are going to Surf City tonight for the last night of it's opening.

I only want to go because of the small chance that I may see you after your baseball game, but I have a feeling he'll just give you a ride home or both of you will come down and I won't be able to talk to you.

I ended up going downtown to hang with the boys anyway. It's 12:23 AM and I am currently in an uber. I also have a double shift at work later today. Kill me.

I lowkey highkey hope I run into Jean downtown. That would be the best added bonus of my night.

Thursday. September 28, 2017.

I've actually been meaning to write for a while now. Things like, what I'm stressed about, how I feel physically and mentally, being sick and small anxiety moments, and feeling unfocused and unmotivated.

I'm not going to tell you I loaned Joe $160 so his wife could buy a nice dress and shoes for his sister's wedding on Friday.

I'm not going to tell you that I bike home with him because, timing wise, I missed the train and I had a lot of energy from winning those Vic Mensa tickets.

I'm not going to tell you I biked to our block because I honestly miss it. I miss Alfredo, I miss you, I miss being close by.

I'm not going to tell you that your latest Instagram post was super sweet, and that I feel some type of way.

I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to try hating you. It's probably for the best. I won't really text you for a while or maybe I'll be bland, and this should help. I lied. I probably will tell you this part, maybe, if it comes up; or I'll play it off and just keep saying "nothing's wrong", or "I'm fine". Which, technically, aren't lies, because I am fine, and nothing is wrong.

I'm happy for you, but I want to be truly happy for you. I want it to reach that point where we can hang out together with no problem or I can hang with you guys and me and Jose are actually friends, as much as you don't want that.

P.S.

I didn't meant to write this much.

Thursday. October 12, 2017.

I should've just stayed on the couch with her downstairs. The whole upstairs got me confused on what to do and I just can't fucking sleep. I mean I shouldn't do anything. Why am I so fucking weird? I don't fucking know.

Sunday. December 3, 2017.

I'm kinda sad

and I want a pizza.

I miss Jean.

I feel like I'm losing her

as a friend, again..

I know I'm not

a priority,

But I wish I was;

even a little.

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starellas · 6 years

Text

Voltron S6 Review/Thoughts/Venting? XD

So I’ve finished watching s6 a while ago and my emotions are all over the place. I saw a lot of Tumblr users writing their impressions/thoughts, so I decided to do the same. Right now I’m a mess with feelings all over the place so this will also be a mess (sorry).

The post is long so be warned.

Ok so before I get into anything, right off the bat I want to say that the animation was absolutely gorgeous and stunning. I’m not knowledgeable in animation or anything like that but I was honestly blown away by the small details. I also noticed some mistakes here and there like Lance pushing Kaltenecker into the Blue Lion instead of the Red one, but i think that at this point the VCrew are also confused about the whole lion swap just as much as we are.

Music was stunning, especially during the Keith vs. Shiro fighting scene. It’s so powerful and beautifully goes along with the feelings the characters feel. It portrays their inner conflict but also hurt they’re feeling. We, as audience, can feel all of that in the music alone and honestly, the music made the feeling of that moment all the more powerful. I know it’s something people tend to miss a lot so try listening for yourselves. If you re-watch the season and pick out the music, you’ll see what I mean.

Now I’ll separate my points because if I don’t, it’ll get a bit messy. One thing that got to me is that most fans are talking about ships and about Allurance. Are you guys serious? You’re going to talk about ships while there is some powerful shit going on aside from romance?

Don’t get me wrong, romance plays a huge role this season. We got our very first kiss and then the words “I love you” being spoken. It was a shocker and especially with the kiss, however, before I get to all that, I want to admire the masterpiece that is Keith and his development.

Keith’s arc

Keith was absent from the team for 2 seasons and we were all complaining how badly we want him back. Well, I can officially say that this makes it up to me for all the seasons he missed. His actions were so fucking powerful, and his words were so sincere that it made me cry on multiple occasions. Keith has grown tremendously and his journey of self discovery has really helped him achieve all that, giving us this masterpiece of a finale.

Keith’s selflessness

Keith is the most selfless person on Voltron and nobody will tell me otherwise. I know that we have the other paladins who are just as willing to sacrifice themselves for their teammates but it’s noting quite like Keith.

From s1 we always saw Keith running into danger and in s2 he even went and infiltrated a Galra ship by himself. While his intentions for doing that may have been different (for the mission), this time he’s putting himself in danger for the ones he loves. He jumps into danger for Shiro but also for the rest of the team. We can see Keith’s love for Shiro when he follows him persistently, and even faces a whole fucking fleet of Galra cruisers on his own. That single scene shows how desperate Keith is, and to what lengths he would go for the ones he loves. That scene was so powerful that it left me breathless and that was just the beginning of it.

When Keith got back into Black, we could see his maturity there right away. After taking a hit, the first thing Keith does is ask “is everyone okay” and that one sentence just tells us so much because it shows how much he cares about his team. He also returned to help everyone instead of chasing after Shiro and the pod. Remember when in s1 Allura was captured? Keith was against going to save her, thinking that it would be the best in order for Voltron to not fall into Zarkon’s hands. And now? He’s fucking doing everything he can for his team, placing their wellbeing before his own. That is some quality character development and I’m so proud that words can’t express it.

Keith’s leadership

In s3 Keith has been struggling to accept his role as the leader of Voltron, but now by the end of s6 we see a completely different attitude.

First Keith was placed into the Black lion without a choice.

Then he rejected the Black lion altogether.

Lastly he made the decision to go and pilot Black by himself.

And this decision to pilot the Black Lion again shows so much of his development since s3. Keith isn’t the insecure leader anymore. He’s learned from his past mistakes and doesn’t intend to repeat them again. He realises that being a leader comes with responsibilities and he knows that team comes above anything else. If his time with the BoM taught him anything, then it’s the importance of teammates and teamwork. That’s the main part of his story arc and honestly I think he finally learned this lesson fully. It’s something that’s been with him since s1 and finally seeing him change to a mindset where he values his teammates over his mission is so satisfying.

Keith’s relationships

First I’d like to address his relationship with Krolia. While I noticed that many fans are pissed about the way Keith and Krolia were stuck on the space turtle creature, I personally think it was something he absolutely needed. It gave him the family time he missed with Krolia and gave him an opportunity to bond with her. Since Keith and Krolia just met, I think that gave them the perfect opportunity to get to know one another (without it requiring too many episodes to do). Also, you can imagine the many flashbacks of the past they must have had while there, which means that they got to learn everything about each other whether they wanted to or not.

Not to mention that Keith’s wolf is adorable and him having the wolf while living with Krolia gave me a true sense of a “family home” which is something I think the writers were intending to do.

Keith’s past with Shiro was finally revealed and oh god... Wow... Episode 5 is easily my favourite episode of the entire series. I have no other words but to say that it’s a literal masterpiece. There were so many emotions put into it and so many things come to a resolve in their relationships that it made he cry over and over again.

While watching the episode, you can practically feel Keith’s love for Shiro in his actions, words, and everything he does. If Keith was an orphan and Shiro was the one who raised him instead of his parents, then I fully understand why their relationship would be so deep. Keith loves Shiro as his brother, his only family he had.

Keith’s words “You’re my brother. I love you.” Are so powerful and full of emotion, conveying all of their feelings and their relationship thus far. Those are some powerful words, and they hit you right in the face when you hear them. It’s not subtle at all but it’s out there and in our faces. Not in a bad way! But in such a powerful way that it shows Keith and Shiro’s relationship perfectly.

Shiro has been Keith’s only family, the only person that didn’t give up on Keith. Even if Keith gave up on himself, Shiro never did. “I’ll never give up on you. But most importantly, you can’t give up on yourself.” And those words hit me so hard because I personally do give up on myself a lot. This scene made me realise that and I feel like this will resonate with a lot of you as well.

“And I should have abandoned you, just like your parents did. They saw that you were broken, worthless. I should have seen it too.” Is what Shiro says but despite these strong words, Keith still says “I’m not leaving without you.” And then after that he says “I love you”. I don’t think I need to say anything to this. It speaks for itself.

And just as he cuts Shiro’s arm off, he looks like he’s about to cry.

For the entire fight the animation was done so perfectly and we can see the care the staff put into this scene. They wanted to portray how Keith feels here and they did a fantastic job with it. Keith is beautiful and seeing him like this after all this time of isolating himself is just... so fulfilling.

Keith’s Galra side

Keith suddenly turning part Galra during his fight with Shiro was totally unexpected but at the same time it kind of was? We know that Keith is a hybrid but so far he wasn’t seen with any Galra traits on him. That is except for his sword of course, but other than that, nothing much. Not even purple skin.

After watching this, I feel like we’ll be seeing more of this Keith in the future. I’m going to theorise a bit and say that Keith may be having a problem with his Galra side in future seasons, something he might need help controlling.

But then again at the same time, Keith’s emotions may have been so strong that they triggered him to turn Galra when facing Shiro. It adds to the portrayal of Keith’s feelings towards Shiro, and further strengthens their fighting scene. It is meant to show how strongly Keith is feeling towards Shiro, aside from his words and actions.

Also, is it just me or do you feel like Keith was onto Lotor for the entire s3, s4, s5 and s6? The rest of the paladins were played by him while Keith was the one running around and uncovering the hidden truth. Just a random thought.

I could go on and talk about Keith forever because his scenes were so perfect and beautiful. However, I also want to focus on other things I noticed and I’ll fist tackle another big part of the season; and that is Allurance. But most importantly I want to focus on Lance’s character arc

Lance’s arc

So we know that Lance will have an endgame lover by the end of the series and I think that they’re finally beginning to push Lance towards that direction. Lance’s crush on Allura was there since the very first episode, and I personally believe it is something he will have to get over in order for his character to develop. This development will be essential for him and will push him forward to better things. Allura will be the one to push Lance into this direction because she is his friend, and they’ve undeniably grown really close during these past seasons. There is development and I’m not going to deny it. However, I do not think it’s romantic in any way shape or form.

This part will be ship heavy but I’m conscious that I can’t approach this unless I address the ships. I’ll admit that I’m a klance fan so I’ll approach this from a biased point of view. Then again, nothing is really unbiased so I’ll just go ahead and explain how I feel about this.

For me, Allurance is a ship that died this season. Right from the get go we get a scene where Lance saves Allura and then Allura saves Lance in return. However, for me, these scenes aren’t romantically coded at all and rather portray the closeness between the two as friends. The moment in ep 1 also shows the growth of Allura’s powers (which in my opinion are too op).

But we see Lance struggling with his unrequited feelings for the whole duration of the season and in the end they’re not addressed. It will be brought up again in future episodes since we were left hanging like that without a closing.

Allura rejecting Lance and telling him how she really feels will set Lance on the right path to his character development. Allura has always been something he wanted, a crush, but not what he needed. Sure they may have grown closer during the seasons, but Allura still isn’t returning Lance’s feelings. At the beginning I was super happy about everything that was happening because that means that Lance will finally get over his crush and I really believe that Allura will reject him at this point.

Lauren and Joaquim pointed to Lotura’s relationship affecting another character and that was undoubtedly Lance.

Lance isn’t dumb, he knows what’s up. He realises that he’s the third wheel and that Allura may not have feelings for him (he even says it in episode 2). Yet he’s still here, trying to win her over. But I think that now his feelings got the wake up call they needed and the scene where Allura embraces him is the moment where Lance realises that he’s chasing an impossible target. Allura doesn’t love him back, and I think he realises that much this season. Now we just need Allura to tell him herself before he can fully move on from her.

Also, remember this quote from Lauren?

Lance will end up in a completely different place then he expected, and that will undoubtedly be with Keith. I can go on and on why Klance will become canon, but maybe it’s better if you all read about the reasons here. (yh, good luck with that btw XD)

My prediction for future episodes is simple. Allura will reject Lance and then Lance will realise that he had a crush on Keith all along as well. It may take time, but I believe it will happen. That’s when his sexuality arc kicks in. Remember the drawing by Lauren as well? We have Shiro standing next to Lance here, and since Lance missed to act on Shiro’s warning that he was a clone, I can imagine that Lance would want to make it up to him somehow. Shiro will tell him about Keith and maybe reveal a little something about Keith that Lance didn’t expect. (I’m a firm believer in the fact that Keith is gay, so Shiro telling Lance subtly could make him realise that Keith had been hitting on him since the very beginning).

I still can’t believe that they did nothing with Lance and Shiro this season. I can only imagine how guilty Lance feels for doing nothing, even though he knew something was wrong with Shiro.

Also, Allura’s face when she found out about Lance tells us everything. She has feelings for Lotor and by the end of the final battle, she still feels something for him. Love defines all logic and reason, and I believe that at some point, Allura will forgive Lotor for what he did. She may not fully forgive him, but she may be willing to be with him again. This is a stretch and I don’t know how confident I am in this, but I’m keeping everything on the table thus far.

Keith and Lance’s arcs

Ok so we were all confused about this Klance thumbnail for the trailer. And they put it during pride month of all times. However, hear me out on this one. The thumbnail wasn’t meant to show Klance, but show that this season focuses on their arcs.

Keith’s arc was beautiful and showed so much of character development that it was breathtaking and we’ll probably end up talking about it for months to come until s7 hits us. However, apart from Keith, Lance also had his own arc explored in this, and it’s heavier than in any other seasons thus far. Lance’s character development was always shown in the background, however now, it’s out there in broad daylight.

Keith’s arc is about being there for the ones he loves. He understands the importance of a team and values his team over the mission.

Lance’s arc is about... love as well. He had decent development in s5 where he unlocked a new bayard form, and him becoming Red’s paladin overall was a huge step up for him. He understands the weight of war now, and isn’t goofing around like he used to in s1 and s2. However, apart from all that beautiful development, Lance’s character arc is all about love.

We know that Lance will get an endgame lover by the end of the series and I think that the VCrew are slowly beginning to address that. Love is complicated so it needs time to be solved. Lotura is a perfect example of how complicated love is, and even though Lotor fought against them in the end, Allura still feels something for him.

This season didn’t give us any klance but it did give us Keith and Lance’s character development. It was separate but done in the same season, and that’s what the thumbnail is showing. Both of their character arcs focused on love.

Lotor & Allura

Lotura was strong this season, that is until it all came crashing down in the end. But did it really crash? I mean, I can’t deny that Lotor did some terrible things but I still feel like Allura has some feelings for him. In the last episode when they fought against Lotor, she expressed her hesitation at not wanting to leave him behind. The team had to push her to the right direction, begging her to leave even though she didn’t want to. Allura’s emotions were all over the place, and they mirror Lance’s own perfectly. Both of them had their hearts broken this season, and I think the VCrew portrayed that perfectly.

You can see it in both her expressions and her words that she is pained, and didn’t want to leave him. They kissed this season, and a kiss portrays so many strong emotions into one. The VCrew could have chosen to take this in a different route but I firmly believe that they were aiming for Lotura to kiss and that it was a must in this season.

I’m not going to lie, I’m torn about Lotura. A part of be believes that Allura will never forgive him, but there’s also a part of me that thinks she might.

Lotor didn’t have evil intentions, and nothing is black and right. His cause was just, and I believe that he really wanted peace. However, his methods of achieving that peace were wrong and that’s what broke his and Allura’s relationship at the end. Perhaps a part of Allura knows this, knows that Lotor really meant what he said, but her finding out what he did to achieve that broke that trust and made her love for him crack.

There is still hope for Lotura, at least in my opinion. Lotor will appear once again, and judging how Haggar was protective of him ever since she fond out he was her son, I can see her coming back to get him.

Also Lotura mirror Zarkon and Haggar’s relationship so I can see Allura taking on Zarkon’s role of saving her lover from overexposure to quintessence. Possibly?

Other random thoughts

This post is already getting too long so I’ll wrap this up. All of the characters got screen-time and a moment. Even Coran! And him finding his grandfather’s toolbox was very sweet. Then when he had to let go of the Castle, that was a big step of letting go for him as well.

As my friend @msbluebell said, this season is all about letting go of the past and focusing on the future. The destruction of the castle ship showed that, as well as Lance’s arc where he slowly understood that he had to let go of Allura. Keith, and everyone else for that matter, also changed for the better.

And now that the team is going back home, we are told that things will get more “personal” by the VCrew. I can only imagine that the issue of Allurance will be carried over and that there will be even more focus on ships. Also relationships will be explored, whether it be family, platonic or romantic.

I’m expecting Hagar and Sendak to return as well now that Lotor is gone. Also, I’m not giving up on Alteans from the alternative reality because we know that they have a comet as well. The one Team Voltron found was a second one, meaning that they could very well cross over realities and find Lotor. It may be a stretch, but it is possible. I think we’ll focus more on the Alteans in the future, since now we found out that there are living Alteans in the universe.

(Also, I can imagine that Allura will make Romelle a princess while she sleeps with the rest of the paladins. We know because of a spoiler leaked by Kimberly that the paladins will sleep for a very long time. So what if during that time Romelle becomes a princess?)

Either way, there are still mysteries that are left unsolved and a lot of potential as to what direction the VCrew might take this in. I can’t wait to see what s7 has to offer. I loved all of the season, despite Lance’s arc leaving me a bit unsatisfied by the way it was carried out. Keith’s arc was stunning though and by far the best moment in the entire show thus far.

I probably forgot to mention a million things by the time I post this but the post is already too long so whatever.

(Thank you for reading if you made it till the end)

#klance #voltron spoilers #voltron season 6 #voltron season six #vld #allurance #sheith #keith kogane #vld keith #venting #thoughts #my post #Voltron legendary defender #review

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authorracheljoy · 6 years

Note

Toni Ask 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 14 15 16 17 18 19 21 22 23 24 25 28 29 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 43 44 45 47 50

1. What is your OC’s favorite color?

Blue!

2. Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect?

Toni collects postcards from the places she visits ^^

3. What kind of things is your OC allergic to?

Nothing! She’s not allergic to anything!

4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear?

Leather jackets, tank tops, leather boots, skinny jeans, did I mention LEATHER??

5. What is your OC’s first memory?

A visit to Coney Island with her family~

6. What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite?

Favorite: Turtle

Least Favorite: Shark (and for good reason!)

7. What element would your OC be?

Fire! ;)

8. What is your OC’s theme song?

Clarity by Zedd feat. Foxes

9. Do you have a faceclaim / voiceclaim for your OC?

Nope, neither!

10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC?

Envy~

11. What are your OC’s hobbies?

Vampire hunting (it’s not a hobby, it’s her JOB) aaand going clubbing! She also has an appreciation for music and wants to learn how to play piano so does that count as a hobby? No? Well I’m counting it! anyway >:D

12. How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they?

Mmmm Toni’s pretty impulsive aaand I’d say she’s the biggest hothead in the Agency!

14.What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods?

Toni likes fruity things, like strawberries and cream

Actually, I take that back, she likes various kinds of foods! Especially pizza, though :)

Honestly, I don’t think she has a least favorite food.. she likes food in general!

15. If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why?

Cats are pretty nice ;3c

They’re essentially carefree~

16. What does your OC smell like?

… Vanilla.

17. How do they make a living? What kind of job do they want / not want? What is their dream job? What do they think of their current job?

Toni is a vampire hunter, plain and simple. She has no other real career that she might want (other than maybe a teacher?) I dunno… she tolerates her current job!

18. What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths?

Fears: Avoiding spoilers, I’ll say that Toni has a fear of drowning and losing loved ones!

Weaknesses: She can be extremely reckless! Ya know, rush into things without thinking about the situation first? Kinda bad!

Strengths: Very firm in her beliefs, can be bold and confident at times. She’s definitely not the strongest or smartest hunter of the Agency, but she has her moments, of course :)

19. What kind of music do they listen to? Do they have a favorite song?

She likes alternative pop, and her favorite band reflects my own actually XD Anything by Imagine Dragons!

21. What personal problems/issues do they have? Pet peeves?

Geeze… haven’t I answered this already??

Ehhh whatever.

Personal problems/issues: SPOILER TERRITORY

As for pet peeves? Annoying people/vampires! Oh, and arrogance in general!

22. What kind of student were they/would they be in high school?

Likely Teacher’s Pet!

23. What is a random fact about your OC?

I’ve probably said this multiple times but Toni wants to learn how to play the piano! Her Mom played it occasionally and so it really connects them at times :)

24. What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think in general about living?

Her outlook is pretty good, I’d say. She doesn’t seek death even though she seems so reckless to a lotta people :/ As for life and living, Toni honestly cherishes it

25. What inspired you to create them / how did you create them? Were they originally a fancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you first made them?

Hmm Toni is so much like me when I was a teenager, and I connect with her so much while writing/rewriting so… it’s hard to see if her personality has changed over time? I’d like to think her character has MATURED but what do I know??

28.What kind of nervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds of addictions?

She tends to fidgets and might bite her nails on or after certain stressful situations.. No addictions at all, though!

29. If they could choose their epitaph for their grave, what would they choose?

Some Shakespeare quote probably XD

32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be?

Peace and security!

(oh wait that’s TWO things.. oops well..)

33. Would they ever kill someone? What would someone have to do to push them to kill someone? If they would kill someone, why?

As I said before, Toni cherishes life to the max. If she killed someone, it would have to be a vampire who wasn’t alive anymore and had no humanity left inside them! If that makes sense at all? But.. then again… even Toni isn’t perfect so.

34. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually?

God, Toni’s a hermit so no.

She has no life besides vampire hunting, I’m sorry to say.

She’s effing BORING!

35. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories?

Toni isn’t as much of a daydreamer as her friend Clary is.. but she still has a rather vivid imagination! Which could be a good thing, or very VERY bad-

And she’s the epitome of living in her memories/the past (sometimes literally! not that that’s a spoiler or anything… SHHH)

36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

OK, I’m sorry to say that I’m drawing the line this time. SPOILER ALERT and I’m not breaking it! Toni’s future in the books is under LOCK AND KEY ‘kay??

37. What’s something that your character does, that other people don’t normally do?

Ehhh I can’t think of anything, whoops!

38. What would your character do with a million dollars?

She’d probably donate it to a good cause/charity since she already gets enough money/grants from the Agency/Order! Hey, they gotta be good for SOMETHING!

39. What is in your characters refrigerator right now? On their bedroom floor? Nightstand? Garbage can?

Refrigerator: Orange juice and a cake that Hannah baked just because~

Bedroom Floor: Boots and worn jeans (has Toni heard of a waste basket? ehh NOPE)

Nightstand: Her Mother’s necklace and (big surprise) a lamp!

Garbage Can: Some Chinese Take-Out that she shared with Ethan~

40. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with?

Toni’s likely going on a mission (since she has no life, seriously), probably going to a club or bar or something supernatural-related. She wears her Hunter gear and, more often than not, she’s alone! But sometimes she goes on missions with Ethan and/or Clary so~

41. What does your character do when they’re angry? Why?

Easy: she’ll blow up!

Toni is easily frustrated, and anger is even worse.

42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from?

A coupe of vampire bite marks/scars, especially the one that changed her fate forever and destroyed her family life ;)

Where’d she get it from? I think you KNOW!

43. What was the most offensive thing your character had ever said?

God, she has no filter, so probably something that almost got her killed??

44. How does your character react/ accept criticism?

It really depends on the person giving said criticism.

Like, say that it was Henri? She’d blow it off. What does HE know, after all!

But if it was Ethan? She might actually listen~

Then there’s Stephen, and that situation would never end well. That’s all I’m gonna say XD

45.If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (or something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKE pineapple pizza?

Fuck yeah, she likes pineapple pizza!

What idiot DOESN’T!

(it’s probably because I myself like that kind of pizza?)

47. Can your character draw? What do they like to draw? Do they doodle?

Toni has very little artistic talent, so NO XD

She might doodle for a bit, though~

50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count?

The answer to this kinda reflects my answer for Ethan? Like.. Toni would accept it for sure.. unless it ended in vampirism? Then fuck that shit!

Wow… you know I’m tired when I start swearing in my asks XD Sorry, Friendo.. thanks for the ask, though

#Rachel Writes #ocs #my ocs #Toni Drake #RJ City #RJ #The Hunters Saga #Friendo #peaceonwheels #oc asks

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medicinemane · 6 years

Text

This is why I never tell my mo anything. I mentioned the angina when I’m sleep deprived. She’s going on about how oh my god we need to get you in to see the doctor and it’s just like... I never thought it was good. I don’t know if it was obvious from the post where I mentioned it, but it’s worrying. Finding out your heart probably isn’t getting enough oxygen, that’s something I want to take care of

But for one thing it only happens when I’m sleep deprived. I’m not saying that like it means nothings wrong, it’s clearly a sign of weakness in the heart, it’s just... it’s not an er visit. It’s a lot like something like sleep apnea, it’s kind of a big issue. It’s not going to kill you tomorrow most likely, but it needs to be dealt with

Here’s the thing though, honestly I won’t deal with it. It’s not so much a matter of won’t as much as can’t. Half the time I have trouble making myself make food. Sometimes I wind up not eating all day even though I do actually have food around just because I can’t muster it with in myself to make anything. I am historically terrible at being compliant. Even things like vitamins I fall off with because I just don’t end up taking them. When I had that cough so bad I really do think I pulled a muscle, I just kind of stopped taking the cough syrup

She freaks out and tries to brow beat me, which doesn’t change anything, then freaks out some more. Actually, though other people don’t tend to freak out, a lot of people don’t listen to me. I’ll say historically this is how I behave, and they say, “well just don’t do that.” Cool. Hadn’t thought of that. People don’t end up offering suggestions of how I can alter myself, things like a different approach that will reframe it and cause me to interact differently. They just say to be different, and much as I... I honestly can think of few things I want more, it doesn’t happen

An example of the reframing things, my previous therapist pointing out my depression being cyclical helped. I still feel like shit, but somethings I go, well Kiara was right and it is cyclical. I don’t want to go on but if I ride it out I’ll probably be doing a bit better in a week. Which doesn’t change things much, but it at least shakes up my point of view a little

I just don’t take medications. It’s not even anything moral or about pride, I just can’t manage that maintenance. To be blunt, I have a hard time even managing to brush my teeth. There’s plenty of times it’s a week before I do. That’s not what I want, it’s not what I shoot for, but if you asked me what happened it’s what I’d have to tell you. It’s just a fact. It’s not that it can’t change, it’s not that I’m doomed or totally incapable of proper oral hygiene; it’s just true that right now that’s not what happens. If you want to make things better you have to acknowledge how things actually are

My last therapist helped me because we’d set reasonable goals. When I wanted to help that hotline the first goal was just for me to call. It took months, but I did it in the end. It would have been insane to try and start planing a schedule before I even called, and I mean that’s so obvious I feel a bit stupid saying it, but I feel like a lot of people don’t get it that they’re asking me to do something similar. Asking me to have the doctor look at things is neglecting the fact that just getting to the doctor is difficult right now, that I’m going to have a hard time following through on whatever they recommend. I’m not saying that to be difficult, I’m saying it because I want things to fucking work this time, and if they for instance give me blood pressure medication I probably won’t even fucking pick it up and if I do that I’ll probably miss it for 3 days take it 1, skip 2, take it 5, skip 1, take it 2 on and fucking on. Which in case it’s not obvious, that’s bad shit to do with medications

Also I need to find a doc who’s not a hour away from me and who’s a good fit. Current doc is my mom’s, and he’s a legitimately good person, but he’ll always ask me stuff about jobs, and then since I don’t have one what I’m going to do with myself, and how do I get my money, and well what does you dad do? So I wind up just turtling up and I don’t want to bring up any of the stuff. Like TMI (((anything in these pareses is TMI, skip to the end of the three closing ones ((I have minor bleeding when I wipe sometimes. It’s not internal because it’s cherry and it’s after everthing’s clean. Don’t think it’s even hemorrhoid, think it might be tearing, but obviously I’d like to get it fixed because it’s a) not good and b) a little painful)) end of TMI))) Stuff like that concerns me (and if it’s TMI in medical context you can guess whatever it is I probably want to get it checked). That’s been going on for probably more the 2 years minimum. Never brought it up to him because... he’s not a bad doctor but he’s a bad fit for me

So that’s my rant. People always seem to think I’m just not worried about things and they need to point out how bad it is. Truth is this stuff keeps me up at night, all kind of things keep me up at night, and somehow I just can’t manage to fix them. It’s like being in a room that’s filling with water, but it’s only up to your ankles. It’s unpleasant, you know you can’t leave it like that forever because eventually your head will be under; but I don’t know where the leak is, or how to stop it, or how to drain things, or how to dry things out. I’m paralyzed in a bad situation. I try to as plainly as possible explain what’s going on, or explain that I don’t understand certain things but know that they result in certain things

Then people just tell me not to be like that. Cool. I mean I know I’m difficult to deal with, I really do. Feel like I’m just stubborn, and stupid, and lazy, and obtuse, and cutting off my nose to spit my face, and just being a contrarian, and just don’t want to put in the effort to fix thing, and that all of this is just my fault and if I just put the work it it would all go away, and that I have so much I’m lucky with and I’m squandering it, and that all the things I care about are falling apart around me and I just can’t mange to take care of them like they deserve to be taken care of, and if I was a better person I could do so much more to fix this stuff, and that because of how badly I’ve failed I’ve permanently screwed myself in a number of ways, and that if I have something like cancer it would be my own damn fault for not dealing with it, and that I have dreams all the time where all my teeth fall out, and that would be my fault too, and that I’m too picky, and that I just need to get my shit together, and that one of these days it’s all going to fall apart, and that I don’t know what to do with things now, I don’t know what to do when things fall apart, and that the only useful thing I’ll ever do is be a statistic, and that I need to get on with it, and that I’ve wasted so much time and so much money other people could have used, and that I’m too damn stupid to deal with all this, and that I literally have no redeeming qualities

and it’s my fault for wallowing in this instead of fixing it. how the hell is anyone else supposed to help? they’re all working so hard just to make their lives work, work unlike me. I don’t want to bother them. Maybe I would if I could give them something concrete, but I can’t and I’m greedy, and I just want to leave them alone if I can’t even ask for anything. I just want to do better, to be a better person, and no matter which way I try and turn myself I don’t seem to be able to be. It’s like trying to fit a couch through a door, but it’s not going to fucking fit. I’m just clogging the hallway for everyone else. I talk too much and say too little and just want to shut up forever. I just wish I actually listened. I wish if I’m not going to listen then I’d do the right thing already

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indigo-streaks-in-her-hair · 7 years

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500 Follower Ask Celebration :)

welp, here we are with 500 beautiful lovelies reading our fics. when we first started this blog, we never imagined such a wonderful response. everyone is the nicest & we both can’t express how grateful we are for every one of you.

thank you so much for sticking by us, even during our rough times. your support means the world to the both of us, & you all keep us going more than you think. you all inspire us every single day, & never fail to make us laugh.

you, yes all of you, are the best followers in the whole damn universe. you’re all irreplaceable & extremely dear to us. we love you guys so much. words can’t begin to describe how we feel.

and so, since we literally can’t come up with anything else to do on this momentous occasion, our original plan for 500 was to reblog a long ass ask list for you guys to send in numbers, but since that would all be complicated on the matter of the two of us answering, we decided to just answer all these 45 questions.

you’ll find the questions and our answers under the cut! enjoy!

um she’s really lovely and sympathetic and true and magnificent and her name is summer and the most annoying thing about her is that she’s not annoying at all. -v

pretty much the fact that vic is better than me at e v e r y t h i n g . she’s so much more caring and generous and beautiful and she’s always there for me whenever i’m having a bad day or if i’m just lonely or whenever i need someone to talk to. she’s also super polite and hilarious as hell. -s

2 • least favorite tv shows?

oops sorry if i offend some people but i really don’t like vampire diaries, thirteen reasons why, gossip girl, or the uk version of the office. -v

i don’t, like,,,,, watch tv much so all honesty, i can’t really have an answer for this? sorry?? -s

3 • favorite moment with your best friend ( s ) ?

oh omg i was texting summer a few weeks ago discussing and finalizing which fic requests we were each going to be taking and we had that one request asking for a connor imagine in which him and the reader take zoe to get her wisdom teeth out so i said something around the lines of “i can take connor and the wisdom teeth” and i literally froze before following that up with “omg that could be a name for a band”. summer freaks out and we’re both laughing hysterically over text and we stop everything and just spit out crappy band names that include connor and various body parts like “connor and the tonsils” and “connor and the funny bone” and even “connor and the fractured pelvis” and we’re absolutely dying because we can’t stop cackling at this stupid thing i brought up which made me laugh out loud a hundred times and i ended up scaring my own grandmother when she saw me giggling crazily with my phone. she ended up cutting me a slice of pie because she thought there was actually something wrong and the pie might help me calm down. so if the person who requested “connor and the wisdom teeth” is reading this right now i just wanna say thank you for requesting and your idea is amazing and your fic will forever be iconic ily. -v

oh my god, i was literally going to say the exact same thing vic did, but i guess i can choose a different memory. one time vic posted a pic of a turtle on her sc story and i was like “girl omg” and she remembered that time she played the character Turtle in her school’s production of The Westing Game play and then we started reminiscing on our old nerdy memories like when a projected video didn’t work for her and she had to just say all the audio backstage, or the time after my school’s cheap ass production of the Wizard of Oz during curtain call i tried to quickly change from my farmhand costume to my tin man costume and i forgot to put my shoes on and i slipped and fell on my ass during curtain call (i also forgot to bow but unimPORTANT) and it was just so sweet and cute but honestly every moment with vic is the bEST. -s

4 • what’s one quality you would like to have?

hm i’ve always wanted lighter eyes, mine are this boring brown color. whenever i’m in sunlight, they become shot through with these bits of gold and amber and it’s super pretty and that’s the only time they really lighten up. it would be really nice if they were like that all the time. -v

my big nose and thin hair have been the #1 qualities i’m most self conscious of, so i would really like to either have a smaller nose, or thicker hair. my face is already super oily as is, but my nose is the worst part, and i’ve always hated how my nostrils are almost as big has my eyes. as for the thin hair, you always have to be cautious about what you do with it, because there’s so little of it. like, i’m hella prone to sweating, which sucks, so if i sweat too much, my hair can easily build up enough grease to look like i just got out of the shower in a matter of minutes. or if i sleep on it the “wrong way”, and portions of are crinkled awkwardly or sticking out, then that’s how it’s going to look the entire day. and i can’t do any cute hairstyles with it because it all will fall out. -s

5 • name three people of the same sex you would kiss, marry, or fuck.

kiss rachelle ann go, marry pippa soo, and fuck laura dreyfuss oops. -v

kiss pippa soo, marry eva noblezada, and as for the other one,,,, i’ll get back to you on that.. -s

6 • do you like your full name?

hell no it sounds so boring and standard. -v

hahahahahah, no way. -s

7 • tell me your most embarrassing memory.

erhm so many? how do i choose? i’ve tripped in front of crushes hundreds of times, i spelled a word wrong in a spelling bee that i really did know how to spell but my anxiety acted up and i panicked so badly, i ran into a sliding glass door literally yesterday, when i was little i sang in a public bathroom and everyone heard, i also fell out of a tree? does that make me evan hansen? -v

oh n o. there’s too much there, i swear. um, i got so nervous when someone asked me what my name was, i told them i was “helen”, but i think that was because i accidentally said “hell” too loud and tried to cover it up. i’ve tripped so many times on a flat ground. once i was crying in a public bathroom and a kid started banging on the door and told his mom that no one was in there, so before they got the staff to open the door, i panicked and hid my face in my sleeve as i ran out of there. omg there was also one time, a long ass time ago, someone asked me who my favorite member of one direction was and i didn’t know who they were because in my house we don’t listen to (at the time) contemporary music. not to mention anything in english?? but anyways, i’d heard of them but nothing about them, so me, trying desperately to fit in said “i like all four of them”. and they told me “there’s five”. there was also a time i was invited to this girl’s retreat thing in her youth group when we took a field trip to this pumpkin patch and they had this corn maze and we tried to go through it, but i got lost and nobody was around me and for some reason i thought everyone just left so i was terrified and crying and just started running straight through the corn. but then one of the other kids saw me and called me out to everyone and i was too embarrassed and anxious to say “i got lost”. there’s probably so many more memories and probably worse ones too, but in short, my life is a huge embarrassment. -s

8 • favorite color to wear?

pastel baby blue is my number one. i have this off shoulder blouse that’s this pretty sky blue color and white and i think it’s my favorite item of clothing. -v

i can’t make a lot of colors look good on me so usually i turn to black, gray, or any dark shade. -s

9 • favorite restaurant?

there’s a vietnamese place called “saigon diamond” in my city and it’s absolutely wonderful and i would go there every single day if i could. -v

i love this little place, it’s called “cafe vie” where they have boba tea, spring rolls, phở, all sorts of vietnamese food and it’s just so quaint and the food is the best there, honestly. i’m so hungry now. -s

10 • what would be a good first date for you?

take me to a broadway show and then dinner and i will be the happiest girl in the world. -v

vic pretty much took it away at “broadway show” for me. and dinner is hella important, food is so good. i don’t have high standards, but if you really want to make an impression on me, then i’m literally the biggest sucker for romantic gestures. -s

11 • are you a good wrestler?

thumb, yes. arm, no. full body contact, idk about that but i do know karate so i will fight you. -v

lmao, no. -s

12 • are you allergic to something?

up until the time i was five or something i was allergic to grass and i had to wear pants whenever i went outside and it was honestly horrible because i couldn’t play tag or run around like other kids my age. -v

i honestly don’t know but most bug bites i get can get hella blisters and really gross even if i don’t touch them. -s

13 • would you be a good singer?

i’ve been singing pretty much my entire life but it was only this year that i started gaining confidence with my voice so i guess i consider myself a good singer? i’m not completely there yet, though. -v

i really hope so. i’ve been a big choir nerd since i was 7 or 8 and i’m really passionate about singing, but that really has nothing to do with skill, i guess? i don’t really like the sound of my voice, but i’m pretty decent at harmonizing. -s

14 • who’s the last person you said “ i love you ” to?

summer aka the shining light in this dark world. -v

victoire aka the actual light of my life?? love you, vic -s

15 • what car would you buy if you had enough money?

um a porsche obviously because that shit is prime. -v

literally any car that doesn’t break down. as long as it can transport me from point a to point b without any troubles, then i am set. -s

16 • favorite cover of a song?

currently it’s that cover of ben platt singing “ stay ” that’s floating around tumblr rn and i think i had an eargasm when i listened to it the first time i was so shook. -v

i can’t pickk a favv omg. everyone is so frickin talented it makes me actually want to curl up and yell. -s

17 • what was your last conversation about?

coincidentally it was summer telling me we hit 500 and me proceeding to flip out. -v

hah, i don’t remember who it was with but i went around telling a couple people that my dad took my phone and i can only contact them from my crappy chromebook. -s

18 • where were you born?

good ol’ michigan in the usa where i still live today. come visit us because we have chocolate fudge, cereal, and eminem if you like that kind of shit. we also have lots of lakes and pretty places and we’re so cool we’re shaped like a fucking mitten. -v

kansas, where i also still live today. maybe i don’t get out much, but it’s kinda boring here,, -s

19 • least favorite app?

there’s this app on my uncle’s phone called “ chicken scream ” where this chicken has to jump onto platforms but to do that you have to scream and the octave of your voice determines how high the chicken jumps. seriously fucked up and i hate it but it’s hilarious watching people play it. -v

anything that can’t entertain me for more than two minutes. i have such a short attention span -s

20 • tell me two facts about the country of your birth.

um we have the largest air force in the world and we sell enough pizza every day to cover one hundred whole acres and no i am not lying i read this in a book ok bye. -v

uhhh… its abbreviation, “USA” stands for the United States of America, and it’s made up of 50 states. -s

21 • do you like wearing sunglasses?

actually i hate wearing sunglasses because they get tangled in my hair but if a pair looks good with my outfit then i will wear them for the sake of fashion. -v

i don’t wear sunglasses really at all, so i guess i can’t really have an opinion on them? -s

22 • when’s a good moment for a first kiss?

goodbye kisses are the best, do not tell me otherwise. walk me home and then kiss me goodbye at the door and i will be thinking about you all the damn time and i’ll can’t wait to see you. -v

i think for a first kiss it should be a very important thing, so whoever you have it with should be really close to you, and someone you know that even if things don’t work out, you can always look back on it as a positive memory. but what would i know? -s

23 • what are your nationalities?

i was born in america to immigrant parents who came from the philippines. along with the filipino blood, my great grandmother on my dad’s side was chinese, and my great grandparents on my mom’s side were spanish. -v

i was also born in america to immigrant parents, but they were from vietnam. my great grandparents on my mom’s side were chinese. -s

24 • what would make you drop college / university?

ha are you kidding me if i ever dropped out of any sort of education my strict asian parents would probably disown me and mushu the dragon would appear out of nowhere and give me that whole “ dishonor ” speech. -v

^damn vic, i couldn’t have said it any better. -s

25 • a crossover between two shows ( any shows ) you would like to see?

idk about any of you but a crossover between riverdale and doctor who sounds hella awesome. i’d definitely watch that. -v

frick;; i don’t watCH TV at like,,, all?? -s

26 • long or short hair?

on me? honestly i prefer to have long hair but i’ll go shoulder length if i’m really feeling brave or something. when i was little i had super short hair with bangs so i was basically an asian dora the explorer. -v

short hair, for sure. i used to have hair down to my waist when i was younger and that was probably the grossest thing about me because it was so disproportionate to my head/face and made me look like if E.T. had two long strands of black yarn on its head. but even before that ofc i had a bowl cut. what asian kid doesn’t have a bowl cut, honetsly. although, over the summer i don’t cut my hair so i can dye the ends, then have it cut when school starts. the farthest it goes down is barely past my shoulders. -s

27 • a character from a book / tv show that shouldn’t of died?

max lightwood from the mortal instruments book series was the purest bean, and he wasn’t even ten years old yet and that definitely broke my heart. as for tv characters, i sobbed for days on end when arthur from the bbc show merlin died. -v

um,,, crap idk. -s

28 • favorite movie scene?

pitch perfect two where ben platt’s character benji musters up the courage to kiss emily before the bellas go on. idk why but it’s so cute? maybe it’s just ben? -v

sidenote: vic, i love that scene. anyways, maybe that final scene in heathers where martha gets her one line. idk. -s

29 • do you ship more fictitional characters or real people?

fictional characters of course. who would i be without my otps? -v

definitely fictional characters. -s

30 • favorite country song?

i seriously despise country music. i just don’t like it. it’s bleh. i don’t really know half the artists or their songs so i can’t have a favorite. -v

frickin “your man” by josh turner. i’m seriously kidding. i don’t listen to country music efiouhadjhdsilvb -s

31 • favorite john green book?

it’s tied between “ paper towns “and ” looking for alaska “ because both are equally cryptic and beautiful at the same time and i love when books are like that. -v

heck, i really like “looking for alaska” -s

32 • least favorite ed sheeran song?

oh come on. i love ed. you can’t expect me to pick a least favorite. but when it comes to the song i skip over most of the time it has to be ” even my dad does sometimes “ from multiply ( x ). -v

uhhhhmmmm… hell if i know -s

33 • favorite ship?

malec from shadowhunters will always be my otp until the day i die. the ship is so diverse and has so much chemistry and if you read the books magnus and alec are so in love i can’t handle. -v

i don’t frickin knowwww. i’m honestly feeling so attacked right now. i’m so sorry if all of my answers are like this, i’m literally the most indecisive person in the actual world. -s

34 • how do you deal with sexual tension?

uM -v

uM -s

35 • name a celebrity who died that you miss.

our queen carrie fisher. i grew up with star wars always on my tv and when i heard of her passing i cried and rewatched ” the force awakens “ with blankets and two boxes of tissues. -v

there’s really too many to choose from, and thinking about all of the happy memories they’ve brought to me and everyone is just getting me so emotional. -s

36 • favorite harry potter spell?

i’m really fucking basic but ” lumos “ is the best. it’s so simple. it’s light. and idk why that resonates with me but i just think everyone needs a little light these days. -v

i literally said “lumos” too, but now i’m going to choose “riddikulus” because turning boggarts into something funny proves that anyone can find humor in their biggest fear. -s

37 • something you are scared of losing?

my family. there’s no way in hell i’d make it through life without my little brother or my grandparents who are there for me. -v

i’m terrified of losing the few friends i have. everyone i used to know didn’t have a single hesitation in forgetting me or even trying to lose contact with me. -s

38 • someone you regret meeting?

i could make you a list and tell you what each one did to make me regret even looking at them but i don’t wanna go out on a full on bitch rant about these people who ended up wasting my time. but i’ll just say i’ve met my share of shitty human beings. -v

too many. there have been too many people who’ve hurt me or betrayed me or have honestly made me feel like a horrible person, and i really wish i could forget every last one of them. little tip: it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known a person, it doesn’t excuse any sort of bullshit or betrayal they’ve done. -s

39 • have you ever been hurt by someone you thought was your friend?

yes and it’s caused a lot of emotional and mental issues. i’ve been backstabbed and used so many times and i just wish i could stop being stupid and blind for not seeing it in the first place. -v

god, yes. i wish it didn’t take me this long and this much damage to realize i shouldn’t have been throwing around my trust or my yearning to be accepted so lightly. getting hurt by the people you thought cared about you most is the most awful feeling, especially knowing that every single act of kindness and sympathy and love to them meant nothing. -s

40 • do you easily open up to people?

yes and no, actually. it ultimately depends on the person and whether i have a connection with them. -v

it’s really hard to open up to people in real life because i don’t know if they’re confidently lying to my face or will use my own words against me to people who also know me irl. but online it’s easy to open up to my friends there because i can find people who understand shit i go through and actually take the time to give a crap. -s

41 • what is a gift you love receiving?

hugs. i love hugs. gimme all the hugs you got, boo. -v

damn, v knows exactly what i’m going to say. i love hugs so frickin much, but honestly any sort of affection is all i need, like, smooches? yes?? compliments? absoLUTELY?? cuddles??? MARRY ME?!?! -s

42 • what is something you could leave easily?

erhm maybe my notebooks? i usually journal in them but not that often anymore. -v

probably hair clips. i really can’t do anything with them, and on me they’re really tacky. -s

43 • rant about what’s eating you up.

i’d really rather skip this one if anyone doesn’t mind, i’m sure i’d go on for a hundred paragraphs about my stressful life plus i’m sure it would annoy you. and my problems are the kind of personal ones i’m not comfortable putting out in public yet. -v

i really agree with vic here, i don’t want to be a huge bother to y’all and it’s really a touchy and personal subject here. -s

44 • if you could make a phone call to anyone right now, who would it be and what would you say?

i’d call ben platt, tell him how much i love him and how much i love the show and whole cast, all while screaming and shaking. -v

i was going to freaking say ben platt too, seriously. i wish i could thank him for how much his representation of evan and the build up of his character has made me find something to relate to and learn to appreciate myself more, even in the slightest. i’d also love to tell him that he shouldn’t have to feel apologetic for doing the things he does to take care of himself physically and mentally, and his fans should be more than supportive of him taking care of his well-being. i’d also ask him to tell the rest of the cast, creative, and standbys how much i seriously appreciate them, but honestly i’d be speechless if i knew he was on the other end of the line. -s

45 • are you easy to love?

aw yes. people say i’m lovable. i’m been compared to a teddy bear before. it’s happened, trust me. -v

i should hope so, but not very many people like to stick around me. i mean, i try to be someone worth loving and i’m more than happy to spill out all of my love to anyone who just asks politely <3. -s

#violate victoire #stalk summer

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ohimesama · 7 years

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2.28.17 Tuesday

2.24.17 Friday!!! 12:08 noon... Hi Turtle! I need a lot of spare ribs!!! I'm hating the wind blow... They are whispering the name of "Carmela Vizconde" ... Oh! my dear friends I can't think of her all the time coz I'm thinking of my future Turtle and the unfair wind blow. I told you I couldn't be "Carmela" first how I wish I'am coz it's A is liking her and they don't like me. Everything is just misinterpretation... Second, I'm only so small... It's not for "Carmela". I told you " Carmela" is 5'5" to 5'7"... It shouldn't be ... Aside from I'm liking Bhorjhey or BMM!

So,I'm better now... I'm just hating "soul interference" ... It uses my body energy! So,yesterday I was watching news and seeing someone there... I was watching L, I couldn't believe that " De Lima" will be in prison coz of drug trading. I'm thinking if it's forever or if it will be forever. What else???

So, I'm seriously feeling fat and ugly. I'm liking the song about "butt and smiles". I badly need a make-over and I wanted attention. So, I wanted Bhorjhey and to have new circle of friends with Bhorjhey. I told you I wanted to be cool and to have a cooler than this flat life of mine.

I'm still wearing the living dead "Aria"... I'm dying guys... I need a make-over!!! I just feel weak coz of my self-pity and depression. I wanted or I needed badly to have an active lifestyle. I need a make-over and I need to swim... I guess, I have to swim. Can Bhorjhey uplift me???

2:13 pm... I'm actually having depression but I'm trying to control my system. I feel that I'm having a hard time breathing. I feel that something is closing inside my body. I need to relax myself.

3:27 pm... Out of Shellane today... Waiting for a "not enough spare ribs" of Tita Karen and Tito Didie!!! 3:46 pm... I'm thinking it shouldn't be not enough coz they're handling clubs! I'm thinking of that... I'm thinking and doubting...

4:09 pm...I still wanted to have a dimple on my cheeks and my make-over!!! I wanted to leave this place CAVITE and if I can have a change of identity. I'm praying on that... I wanted a make-over. It's really sad here...

5:02 pm... I'm hating the wind blow and I can say I'm hating as well my old religion but I don't have the heart to do things unfairly. I believe on being a children of God you must be fairly good and fairly bad. It's really shallow if you put a blame on a particular religion or if you guys take everything personally in spite of everything from the past and whatever...

I'm seriously switching into "Roman Catholic" for Bhorjhey Manotoc/ MARCOS!!! I'm praying to have him guys!!! It's my personal decision!!!

8:28 pm... I'm still hearing the blow of the wind in CAVITE. I'm praying CAVITE wind blower will die and their wind mate. I'm hating them so much!!! I miss going out and super self-pitying! I'm needing of attention!!! I feel so bad... I feel ugly... I went to the bakery awhile ago and I'm super self-pitying. How I wish I can have a new identity. Is that difficult to do? How I wish I can be a rich woman? I'm not a kid guys but I'm having complexities coz of being stuck. I wanted to leave this place if I can have Bhorjhey. I don't feel comfortable being here in CAVITE...I hope he can save me. I'm needing of attention. I'm super self-pitying!!! I'm hating the wind blow!!! I'm hating the wind blow...

I'm hating the doggies on the streets. How many times I was always reminding the people of CAVITE to get those street dogs or to report it on a dog catchers. Out of fire,remember??? What else?

As I saw the building that was bought by the MARCOS'es at the side front of our house, the development was good, it's really fast. When something is fast it means they have enough or more than enough of papers...I saw the new door at the side of the building on the upper part, a new chocolate brown door with a new sliding brownish tinted window. The door caught my attention early this morning coz the design is just like a chocolate bar.Deep inside me I'm seeing a very delicious door... It's sincere!!! My deep inside this morning was wow! It's yummy, I wanted to have a bite on that chocolate bar door...

9:27 pm... It's crazy I'm hearing a song from outside the house " We found love from where we are"...Or you will find love on the same place but I don't believe on that... Love is a matter of decision and agreement and deal and attraction!!!

2.25.17 Saturday!!! 11:24 am... Rose!!! I'm having self-pity turtle! I'm hating the wind blow. Still, wanted the CAVITE people be dead.

2:30 pm... I'm hating the wind blow.... And I'm praying sincerely to let the CAVITE people die. Give me the unique glow of beauty... Make me yummy on the eyes of my beloved. I badly need a make-over and I couldn't have it. I'm sincerely feeling fat and ugly and self-pitying!

2:40 pm... I'm still wearing the living dead "Aria"... It's not really good. I want me going out and dressing- up... I dream of better life than this,remember???

4:49 pm... I'm hearing the unfair wind blow here in bullshit Cavite!!! I'm done watching the usual coz it's Saturday!!! I watched about a man killed a woman coz of misinterpretation??? The man was always there in the house of a woman. The house was owned by the aunt of the adored woman who was killed by the man. The man was calling their aunt as aunt also. It's really crazy... I don't know coz it looks that the man mentality is not really mature. I mean is it really a misinterpretation?

When a woman is simply nice the man perhaps will think differently. So, on the tv program the man was expecting something from the woman. He mentioned something that the woman likes it too and I'm tired of waiting,something like that... He grabbed the woman and the man got a knife and the woman ran away from the man and chased by the man inside the bathroom and stabbed and killed her.

It's really a sad twist... So, in my part guys... I'm telling the guy my real inner emotion. I'm saying "I like you or I really like you or I'm liking you" or will tell to other people that "I'm actually liking him or I'm liking him now..." I guess it's important to let the man know your inner emotion or your real feelings toward them coz it's really difficult to give a misinterpretation.

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shababyj · 6 years

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It is almost Thanksgiving day and I have yet to even post on social media my “thankful list”. I usually always post something I am thankful for each day of the month of November. I have been slacking this year on Facebook and all other media sites. I usually put picture collages together and have a wonderful little saying to go along with it…but not this year. I am too busy stopping myself from hurting people due to the stress they put on me and I have yet to show my thanks until now. I have a friend and fellow heart mom that post daily for her thanks and she has been using a picture to give some ideas for each day. Since it will probably be a busy and stressful week, I am going to do all 30 now and try to reflect on all the things I have and am thankful for instead of all the holiday stress.

#1. What smell are you grateful for today?

I can list about a thousand different smells that I love and I am thankful for but the ones I am most thankful for is the smell of the Fall. The leaves falling and swirling around in the cool air and releasing a fragrance of the earth that brings the senses to life. I love the smell of a cool Autumn day. This scent makes me think of the Fall leaves and the smell I am referring to

#2. What technology are you grateful for?

I love some of the new technology like computers and smart t.v.’s but I am most thankful for the cell phone. I love that I can get in touch with anyone at a moments notice. I can know for sure if my husband and family members have made it safely to their destination and also be able to video chat from wherever and whenever. It makes life a little less stressful when you can call for help, get verification, and see someone while chatting at the drop of a hat. I love my cell phone. I have the Galaxy S7 Edge and I love how you have an SD card option because I take TONS of photos all the time.

#3. What color are you grateful for?

If you have read other blog post and know anything about me as a mom and what I have been through with my daughter having a heart defect; you will understand why I choose this color….PINK! It is the color my daughter was when she was born and after her diagnosis of Tetralogy Of Fallot. She was considered to be a “pink tet” until her open heart surgery. Most babies with Tetralogy Of Fallot have what the call “tet spells” or “blue spells” or they can be born blue (cyanotic) or pink. Pink indicated oxygenated blood is good throughout the body and blue mean poor oxygenated blood and could indicate low O2 saturation. My daughter was pink and that is why I am most thankful for the color pink 🙂

#4. What food are you most grateful for?

I am most thankful for chocolate! Most importantly I am thankful for a candy called TURTLES!!! It is the best thing to eat when you are happy, sad, mad, excited, miserable and depressed. It has to be the ultimate choice of chocolate candies when “flow” is in town….if you know what I mean.

#5. What sound are you grateful for today?

Easy peasy!!! My daughter’s voice. Nothing compares to the sound of your child saying “I love you” and “you’re the best mommy in the world”. Nothing holds a candle to hearing the sounds of her words and to know I made this little human and have the honor and privilege to be her mother. She loves to sing and make up her own songs and it is the most beautiful sound in the world!

#6. What in nature are you grateful for?

I will have to say the wind. Nothing compares to the feel of it, the sound of it and the smell of it. It is invisible but it is so strong and beautiful in all its ways.

#7. What memory are you grateful for?

The birth of my baby girl. Seeing her for the first time and knowing this is my little person. The beautiful and gentleness of that sweet little baby in my arms and everything about her is just breathtakingly sweet. I will never forget the moment you entered this world and I finally got to meet you and know you once and for all.

#8. What book are you most grateful for?

The book of life…The Bible. The words of truth and wisdom from a loving God and Saviour to guide us through life and help us lead us back to an eternity with our Father.

#9. What place are you most grateful for?

This one is tough! I am most certainly thankful for the arms of my husband and my parent’s house to have a place to run to when the world is burying me but I have to say I am most thankful for Heaven. A place that is for the sanctified and for rest after this life on earth is done. A place full of peace and a forever home to go to when the world says its done with you and there will be no more pain.

#10. What taste are you grateful for?

Easy!!! Margarita’s (I am currently having a text conversation with my lifelong friend Brandy about margaritas and how badly we need some.) That is a taste of sweet relief and it relieves tons of anxiety and stress. I’m in desperate need for this taste to be in my mouth soon!!!!!

#11. What holiday are you grateful for?

Christmas!!!!! The birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ!! A time of hope and cheer with so much good times and memorable moments to share. All the beautiful decorations and lights to bring a special holiday of gift giving and family to life.

#12. What texture are you grateful for?

Bumpy! Like the scars that remind me of the trials in life that gave me insight and meaning. Like the scars of a surgery that was scary and yet wonderfully created to save my baby and all the other CHD children out there across the globe.

#13. What abilities are you grateful for?

I am MOST grateful for the ability I had to become a mother. It is an honor and privilege to be able to carry a human being…life inside your body! The ability to conceive and carry a child is one that some women do not have and can only hope for. It is a superpower and a gift that should never be overlooked and ignored.

#14. What sight are you grateful for today?

My daughter and husband…the sight of them is one of reassurance and love that I need to make it through each day. I see love and grace and so much beauty when I see my little family.

#15. What season are you grateful for?

FALL!!!! Autumn!!! The best time of year and most favorite season of all!!! There is no comparison to the feel of a beautiful Autumn sunrise and sunset. To feel the breeze blowing and hear the rustling the leaves all around you is magical.

#16. What about your body are you grateful for?

That although fragile and weak it can still sustain a lifetime of pain and still keep going. It can go through so much and endure the most mentally and physical struggles and still survive.

#17. What knowledge are you grateful for?

I am grateful for the knowledge of forgiveness and love. To have one is to have the other. Both are easy and yet hard all the same and vital in our daily lives. The struggles to love someone unworthy is sickening but justifiable as well as forgiving them to free yourself of the burden of yours and others mistakes.

#18. What piece of art are you most grateful for?

My daughter’s thankful drawing 🙂 Too cute and shows her gratitude for her sister Gypsy (aka Gi Gi) our 10-year-old toy poodle.

#19. What touch are you grateful for today?

Hugs! My daughter’s hugs and little hands in mine are my favorite. To have those little arms locked around my neck, my waist, and her little hand in mine is what makes life worth living and keeps me fighting for every breath I can get.

#20. Who in your life are you grateful for?

My husband, my daughter, my parents, sisters, and brothers, my pets, and friends. Above all today and every day I am MOST thankful for my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I am unworthy of so many blessing and yet he died so I could live. Thank YOU, Jesus!

#21. What song are you most grateful for?

Hard one here…..ugh! So many I love and am thankful for. Today and always I guess I would have to say Bon Jovi’s Living On A Prayer. It has been one of my all-time favorites since I was a young kid and it still is one of the best songs by the band and one that is loved.

#22. What story are you grateful for?

The story of Jesus and His life and death. It is the foundation of everything to me. It brings hope to those who have faith.

#23. What tradition are you grateful for?

Going to church on Christmas Eve and then going home to watch Home Alone and A Christmas Story for 24 hours and drinking hot cocoa and eating beignets with the loved ones. We snuggle in for the night and wait for Santa to pass.

#24. What challenge are you grateful for?

Motherhood and survival. They teach you everything you will ever need in this life. You learn how to love unconditionally and completely all the while trying to maintain your sanity and survive the hard times and protect your kid.

#25. What moment this week are you most grateful for?

Getting to sleep late with my baby girl and waking to her telling me how much she loves me and I’m the best mom in the world. School’s out this week and I have plenty of time to spend with my daughter and have fun with her.

#26. What form of expression are you most grateful for?

Writing or speaking…both are kind of the same but different. They both say something and tell a story in its own way.

#27. What small thing that you use daily are you grateful for?

My wedding band 🙂 It is used daily to show a sign and token of my love and marriage to my husband. It is a symbol of our love eternal and our bond to one another through the Father.

#28. What small thing that happened today are you grateful for?

I got to wake up and be alive. Nothing more than breathing and existing with those I love most.

#29. What friend/family member are you grateful for today?

My daughter for giving me the strength and courage to wake up and face the day when the world just makes you want to run and hide.

#30. What talent or skill do you have that you are grateful for?

Determination! No matter what I am determined to be better for my husband and daughter and to give my all and get away from the areas that bind me and my family and get to a better place of peace and happiness.

I am grateful and so thankful for so many things in my life that I take for granted sometimes. I am so very thankful for the people in my life who have my back and make sure I and my little family have some sort of peace away from the storm. I have great parents and siblings. I have a loving husband who is also my best friend and the best father in the world. I have so many friends and only see a few but they have all been so great to me growing up and still now. My daughter is my most treasured and valuable gift God could have ever given me. I do what I do because of who you are and what you have made of me.

I hope everyone has a great and fruitful Thanksgiving Day and a safe Black Friday shopping trip if you are going to be out and about. I hope you all have a wonderful day filled with laughter, family, and of course turkey. Don’t forget to bring the little Elf On The Shelf back for the kids this week 🙂 God Bless!

30 Things I Am Most Grateful For This Thanksgiving POST CONTAINS AFFILIATE LINKS It is almost Thanksgiving day and I have yet to even post on social media my "thankful list''.

#Autumn #Grateful #Gratitude #List

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