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#oikawa tooru angst
strwbrryeyes · 2 months
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𓆩♡𓆪 haikyuu boys as my breakup playlist
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⟡ featuring: suna, oikawa, tsukishima, atsumu
⟡ cw: angst, idk still bad at these
⟡ an: i found my old breakup playlist from three years ago and took inspiration from that so these songs are old lol. writing this was silly because im in a loving relationship but it was like i felt all the pain of a breakup again </3
⟡ part two (osamu, ushijima, sakusa, bokuto)
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⟡ suna rintarou: you broke me first - tate mcrae
suna would be the one to break things off with you. when you first started dating he genuinely thought he loved you but as time went on and he became more distant, you started to feel like he was losing feelings for you so you asked him about it. in his words, "i think you were just the first girl to give me attention after my last relationship" and "im not ready for a relationship". a week later, he starts talking about all the girls that have come to him after the breakup and started talking about his hookups to you. this bothered you and hurt you deeply so you decided to cut things off with him completely and he was not a fan of this. so he tried everything to try to get you to talk to him again saying that he misses you and that he wants to get back together. you couldn't care less though, he's already broken your heart too many times for you not to notice his pattern of wanting your attention just to make you jealous or upset. in the end, it actually did end up hurting him and made him realize what he lost. he knew he fucked up but there's no going back anymore.
⟡ oikawa tooru: over breakfast - ellise
it's been a few months since oikawa left for argentina. it's been hard for the both of to be apart for so long and in completely different timezones. you could feel the connection fading but neither of you wanted to admit it because you both loved each other so much. but the longer you guys try to keep the relationship afloat, the more frequent you end up arguing over text or facetime. but you both decided that it could be something to figure out when oikawa visits for the holidays. well, the holidays come around and you finally have time to see each other and talk in person. from the moment oikawa entered your apartment, you both knew it was over. you could tell so many things have changed over the course of the last few months but instead of facing it, you just decide to spend one more night together just to have one final time to say that you tried. it was bittersweet and it hurt a lot but you didn't want the night to end. maybe you could fix this over night? in the morning everything will be better and you can set aside your differences! unfortunately, that morning, nothing had changed and you and oikawa finally came to terms with the fact that maybe you two just maybe weren't meant to be.
⟡ tsukishima kei: high definition - waterparks
when tsukishima was still part of the sendai frogs, he traveled a lot. it's not like he was off in another country like some of his old teammates and rivals, no, you lived with him. even though you two had been dating for quite some time by this point, tsukishima still had trouble expressing his love for you. he tended to push you away whenever he was stressed even though the one thing he wanted the most was your comfort and loving. he was just worried he would end up snapping at you and making you hate him. he didn't know that you'd end up upset with him regardless. you loved him so much but you don't know how long you could going on like this. i mean come on! tsukishima was always away for volleyball matches and even when he's home...it's like he's still not even there. tsukishima knew that you were starting to slip away from him so one day he sat you down and explained how he was feeling and it was finally then that you understood why he acted the way he did. you tried protesting his decision to break up with you but he kept insisting it was for the better. by the next week tsukishima had moved out leaving you alone in the once shared apartment, wishing and hoping he'd come back one day.
⟡ miya atsumu: better off - ariana grande
everyone knew that atsumu could be hot headed most of the time when it came to volleyball but what they didn't know is that it would sometimes affect your relationship with him. much like tsukishima, he would close himself off from you whenever he was mad at the world or whatever else there is that could make him upset. it was starting to get tiring for you. you felt like you had to walk on egg shells around him just so he wouldn't snap at you (wether he meant to or not- his mind would always fog up). towards the end of your relationship, you could feel yourself start to get numb in regards to your feelings towards atsumu. atsumu couldn't really tell at this point that you were losing hope for the relationship. if anything he thought everything was normal but that was only because half of the time he was too much into his own thoughts to notice any flaws between the two of you. it wasn't until he came home one day after an away game on the other side of japan and found that all of your stuff was gone along with you, that he realized nothing is what it used to be. he found a note from you that explained that you weren't happy in the relationship anymore and that you felt trapped. you also stated that you hope he figures out his issues and that you'll always be there for him if he needs but that right now you just needed space. atsumu spent that night crying and angry at himself for letting your relationship get to this point.
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294 notes · View notes
teamatsumu · 8 months
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good enough.
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Pairing: Oikawa Tooru x reader
Word count: 2,578
✎ Soulmate AU, Angst, Hurt comfort
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You had always been a meek child. And it shocked everyone you would meet.
It had a lot to do with the fact that your parents were both extremely outgoing. They were loud, adventurous types who loved trying new things. It wasn't difficult to see how they were soulmates. They were practically cut from the same cloth. But you, you often made people lose the plot. You didn't act like your parents' daughter at all.
You had always been very shy. It had taken you forever to make friends in daycare, and even longer once you entered kindergarten. Kids were too loud and too messy. So you preferred to keep to yourself. The few friends you had were because someone else would take you 'under their wing' somehow.
You got better as you grew up, though you could still technically be considered an introvert. You hated that word. Hated how limiting it was and how it put you into a box. You weren't an introvert. You had friends that you loved hanging out with and spending time with. You didn't prefer being alone. You loved companionship.
You just didn't think you were interesting enough to deserve it.
So you stayed in your little circle of dedicated friends, girls you had met as a little kid and stuck by all through elementary and middle school. But towards the end of middle school, something happened that changed your life forever.
You met your soulmate.
Well, 'met' was a strong word. You saw him, from afar. You laid eyes on him, felt that electricity shoot up inside you, the mantra of 'soulmate, soulmate, soulmate' repeating in your head. It was the same pattern of feelings you were told your whole life that you would feel. Down to every last detail. Yet your brain couldn't accept it. You couldn't believe the obvious signals your body was sending you. It just couldn't be.
Your soulmate was…… Oikawa Tooru?
The Oikawa Tooru. Kitagawa Daiichi's star setter. The best player their school had seen so far. You had seen him while he was receiving the award for best setter. When your eyes had settled on him for more than 5 seconds, signaling to your body that you were looking directly at your soulmate. You were frozen in your spot, obscured in the crowd of students seated for the ceremony. Watching as Oikawa accepted his medal and his shield. The center of attention, the smile on his face bright and warm.
You in the bleachers, clapping mechanically, no different from anyone around you. Blending into your surroundings like you had your entire life.
It took you many, many weeks to get used to the idea that Oikawa Tooru was your soulmate. Your other half. It just didn't sit well with you. You had seen soulmate couples your entire life, including your parents. People with similar tastes, more or less matching personalities, so in love and so in sync.
You and Oikawa were worlds apart.
He had a gentle charm to him, easy going smile and bright, bright brown eyes, hair so casually wind swept, the color of warm chestnut. He was tall, lean, enough to command a room the second he entered it. It almost seemed like he had a spotlight on him at all times. As you watched him from afar, cracking jokes and laughing loud, annoying his friends and greeting his fans, you realized just how different you two were.
You were, in every sense of the word, average. You weren't confident, but you could speak your mind when you wanted. You weren't ugly, but you weren't exactly a head turner. You were so….. mediocre. Especially compared to someone as rare and wonderful as Oikawa Tooru. There's no way you could match up to him.
You didn't deserve him. And more importantly, he deserved so much better than you.
You never dared mention to anyone that you knew who your soulmate was. Your friends would hound you forever and your parents would be flabbergasted that you didn't tell him yet. You didn't have it in yourself to explain to them why you didn't. It made sense in your head, but you had enough awareness to know that other people would say it's utter bullshit. You didn't want to deal with that. Someday, Oikawa would give up on finding his soulmate and settle down with someone else. Someone who could fit into his shiny, busy world. All you had to do till then was stay out of the way. This was for Oikawa's own good.
You knew fate was testing you when you unintentionally ended up at the same high school as Oikawa. You had nearly done a double take when you saw him in the halls, talking to that spiky haired boy he was friends with, basking in the admiring looks of multiple girls that walked past him and waved at him. It made you sigh. It's like every time you saw him, you were reminded how much better he was than you. And all it did was strengthen your resolve to stay miles away from him.
You managed to successfully avoid Oikawa for many months, which wasn't hard considering your straightforward routine. You didn't like leaving class for no reason. You had lunch at your desk. You weren't part of any clubs so you would go straight home afterwards. Also owing to the fact that Oikawa appeared to be the busiest person in the world, it made your life much easier.
You should've known it wouldn't last long. It seemed the entire universe was conspiring to get you closer to Oikawa. And the universe had sent Matsukawa Issei to do the job.
Matsukawa was in the same class as you. He sat next to you in the back row and dosed off during most of the lessons. You thought he was incredibly amusing. Especially when he would sneak food into his mouth during classes and try to chew it without the teacher noticing that his mouth was moving. When you would try to hide your grin, he would wink at you and offer you food too, and both of you would munch on it while you waited for lessons to be over. He was very laid back and easy going, yet had a lot of confidence. In an ideal world where you weren't so anxious, you liked to think you would be a lot like him.
You never would've dreamed that someone so naturally lazy would actually be part of a sports club. Especially not volleyball. The thought never crossed your mind. Had you known, you wouldn't have touched him with a ten foot pole. But you made it a point to stay as far away from Oikawa and volleyball as possible, so you didn't know. Big mistake.
The midday sun was beating on your head as you stood waiting at the school gate. You tried leaning against the wall but the brick was burning up, making you yelp and jump away. You scowled at your phone, staring at Matsukawa's name before hitting Call. He picked up after only two beeps.
"Y/N-?"
"Where the hell are you, Issei? I'm getting cooked in this heat!" You whined, feeling your scowl deepen. You watched students bustle out of the gate, eager to get home and away from the sun. There was a short pause on the other end of the line before Matsukawa spoke again.
"Oh shit."
You groaned out loud at the words, knowing exactly what he meant.
"Issei, I need those notes! We have a quiz tomorrow and you promised me you would give them back after school."
You could hear Matsukawa panting on the other end, making your eyebrows furrow. Was he running?
"Listen, Y/N. I left my bag at the gym. The team is out on a run right now and I think we will be back in maybe ten minutes? Why don't you go wait at the gym and I'll give it to you when I come-"
"Wait," you cut him off. "What gym? What are you talking about?"
More huffing. "Oh yeah, you don't know. I'm in the volleyball club. Go wait for me at the gym."
You stilled, blinking once, before the implication of his words sank in and panic gripped your chest. "No, no, wait! I can't go there. I'll wait for you at the gate and you can just come give it to me-"
"Coach won't let me leave the gym during practice time. What's the big deal? It'll take two minutes-"
"No Issei!" You cut him off, feeling cornered. "Keep the notebook. I'll get it from you tomorrow."
"But what about the qui-"
You hung up.
Your heart was beating a mile a minute, thoughts racing. That was so close. So close. You had unintentionally become friends with Oikawa's teammate. And you had no clue. Panic gripped you as you realized what this meant. At any given time, Oikawa could've seen you. He could've walked into your classroom to talk to Issei about something and laid eyes on you. Then he would've known.
The walk home was shaky and disorienting. You felt frustrated with yourself at this game you were playing. Trying to stay away from the boy this universe was begging you to be with. Someone your heart also desperately wanted, but your insecure, anxious brain was constantly yelling at you to stay away from.
He's too good. His future is too bright. You'll ruin him.
You were so tired.
The quiz ended up being pretty easy, considering the fact that you didn't study for it at all and spent most of your evening crying, then watching some shitty comedy on Netflix that didn't make you laugh at all, going through your snack drawer like an madwoman and finally falling asleep, where brown eyes plagued you in your dreams for the rest of the night. You thanked the gods that you had nothing good to do in your life and hence spent most of your time studying. It meant you did pretty well on your test despite doing nothing to prepare for it.
If there was one thing about you that was way above average, it was your brain.
Issei was looking at you weirdly throughout the day, and he finally spoke up at lunch, something you had been dreading.
"You wanna tell me what the hell that was yesterday?" He crossed his arms, staring at you so hard you were afraid he could take a peek into your soul.
"What the hell was what." You deadpanned, avoiding his gaze.
"Don't be daft. You nearly had a panic attack when I told you to come meet me at the volleyball gym."
You cringed at the word 'volleyball', sighing deeply. "I just didn't want to make the extra trip, it was really hot outside-"
You stopped talking when Matsukawa abruptly sat up, eyes narrowed at you. "You're bullshitting me. Tell me the truth."
You felt your cheeks heat up in embarrassment. "I am telling you the-"
"I'll drag the entire volleyball team here if I have to." He drawled, a challenge in his voice. "You freaked me out yesterday. And it has something to do with my club. So tell me, or I'll find out somehow."
You felt your heart race. Dammit. You couldn't think of anything else. You couldn't think of a lie to placate him. And as you stared into his dark eyes, you knew you had lost.
Matsukawa Issei became the first person to know who your soulmate was.
He had dragged you out of the class after lunch break. There had been too much to unpack in that short amount of time. You hid behind the school overlooking the grounds, telling Matsukawa everything, like word vomit that you couldn't stop. You realized as you talked just how desperate you were to tell someone about all this. You had kept it in for so long that just saying it all out loud seemed to lighten your load.
A thick blanket of silence fell on you two when you finished, nearly out of breath. You watched Matsukawa intently as he stared out at the grounds, one leg pulled up to his torso and resting his arm on his knee. He sighed heavily, running a hand across his face.
"For someone who gets the best grades in our class, you have got to be the dumbest person I have ever met."
You blinked at his words, shocked. "Huh?"
He scowled deeply at you, shocking you even more. He looked almost angry.
"You think you know better than the universe? You think you're smarter than fate?" He raised his voice, looking pissed. "How can you think the gods were wrong when they paired you with Oikawa? And to make this huge decision, without even considering how Oikawa might feel-"
"How dare you." Your voice trembled, feeling tears prick at your lash line. "All I did was consider how Oikawa might feel. I put my own feelings aside-"
"What the hell makes you think this is what Oikawa wants?" Matsukawa raised his voice even more, nearly swelling up in frustration. "You don't know him. You don't know if he wants you. You can't make this decision for him!"
You reeled at his words, blinking your tears away furiously. What the hell was Issei implying? That Oikawa could actually make any alternative choice? It couldn't be. Why would he want you?
Issei's face was softening, watching the emotions flit over your face.
"Y/N," he continued. "You're my friend. I'd like to think I know you. And from what I've seen, I guarantee you that there is not one thing about you that Oikawa won't like."
"But I-" You drew in a trembling breath. "We're so different."
Issei snorted and shrugged. "Trust me, he needs that. Or his head would get too big for his own body to carry."
You two stayed silent for a bit, letting Issei's words wash over you like a cold shower after a hot day. Your heart was screaming at you to believe him, but your mind wouldn't let up. You heard him sigh and stand up, stretching his arms above his head. How long had you been out here anyway? It felt like hours. Was school over? What time was it?
"Alright, let's go." You snapped out of your thoughts at his words, blinking owlishly up at him.
"Go where?"
He didn't answer, waving your question off like he was swatting a fly before he grabbed your arm and pulled you up to your feet, not giving you a moment to breathe as he led you away.
"Issei-"
"Shut up. I've heard enough outta you." He didn't look back at you. You felt a sting of indignation, falling into silence and letting him drag you. You felt so burnt out.
You only tuned back into the present when you heard the squeaks and thuds on hardwood floors, tensing up when Issei climbed the three small stairs leading to the open volleyball gym doors. He tugged your arm when he realized you had stopped, turning to look at you. He gave you a soft look, almost pleading.
"He deserves this. Please."
You felt your shoulders slump in acceptance, mind stilling and slowing in its tirade of thoughts. With one last deep breath, you stepped inside.
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Let me know what you think!
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dimepdf · 1 year
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𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐔𝐏 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐘𝐑𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐃. + 𝐊𝐄𝐍𝐌𝐀 𝐊𝐎𝐙𝐔𝐌𝐄
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masterlist. / taglist. / any request? synopsis. when your high school boyfriend broke your heart and destroyed your sense of self-worth, the last person you expected to mend it was some awkward scrawny gamer and his four-year-old son. video link inspo~
pairing. dlif!kenma kozume x fem!reader
word count. 4.1k
genre and warnings. +18 nsfw under the cut. minors dni, dilf!Kenma, ex!Oikawa, strangers to lovers, pwp, but the plot is holding on by a thread, black-coded reader, fluff, kid fic, cheating, toxic relationship, trust issues, Harue being an Ipad kid, hurt/comfort, clothed sex, biting, spanking, spit as lube, rough sex, light choking, finger sucking, underwear ripping, unprotected sex, creampie, slight nipple play, praise kink, whiny Kenma, slight femdom at the end, mentions of pregnation, domestic vibes, eye contact, not beta'd sorry bae | —  first anime piece, feedback is always welcomed & don't forget to reblog 🤍
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You and Oikawa had been high school sweethearts up until the second year of college.
 You were a headstrong yet deeply hopelessly romantic type of person, the type to wear their heart on their sleeve, which was probably why you had fallen hard and fast for Oikawa’s charming charisma the moment you first met during your first year of high school.
 It was also the reason it took you six years to realize your boyfriend had been cheating on you with several different women behind your back since he left for college, and another year to realize he was not going to change after you had to officially let him go.
You discovered that during your relationship, you were constantly competing with other women who were just better than you at holding his attention.
Starting with transferring universities just so that you two could spend more time together, hoping that without the distance, he would pay you more mind or even fully pay the rent to your shared apartment in hopes that maybe, just maybe, he would come back home to you at night.
You had fallen to rock bottom trying to rekindle that light that you two once shared together, holding onto the dearest memories hoping that he would see how hard you were trying to change just to please him. 
To no avail, the night you came home early during your lunch break to find him in your bed with another woman had been the final nail in the coffin that buried all hopes of mending your love life.
 The first thing you did was kick him out, throwing all of his shit from the balcony window, and leaving him on the curb in nothing but his underwear trying to defend himself. In the same week, you decided it was better to just drop out of college and move back in with your parents, giving up on love completely.
Leaving your bedroom only to go to work or feed yourself, you had settled nicely into the single and bitter lifestyle for merely two years. Becoming an expert at dodging your family's questions that start with that special someone.
You had to admit that you had purposely not been seeking any type of inmate relationship with anyone since your ex. Discovering the still hollowing pit in your stomach seeing pictures of Oikawa seemingly with a new, different , beautiful girl on his Instagram account every month. 
You also understood that stalking your ex’s account was everything but the first step to moving on and going through acceptance, but your curiosity would just get the best of you every time you would scroll through your feed and flinch at seeing his posts.
It didn't help that while he was so busy living through his peak in adult life, you were stuck working the night shift, stocking up just to keep your side of the rent afloat.
At the prime age of twenty-one, your life felt so meaningless at the prime age of twenty-one even your parents nagged you about needing to stay out more and for better hobbies that didn't involve staying up for long periods of time with a PS4 controller in your hands. 
While most women your age were out doing hot girl shit, you were trying not to get back pain from squatting down to self things. You were lucky enough to get scheduled for the night shifts, only having a minimal amount of customer interactions at the twenty-four-hour Target.
The only people that would step foot inside the store around where you worked were usually guys looking to buy condoms or high school students looking to buy snacks.
The last thing you expected to see walking down your aisle was a lone child taking a look around.
Being in the book aisle, you had half expected the kid to have taken a wrong turn trying to get to the video games section, but to your surprise, the child seemed interested in the arranged literature that was stacked in front of him. 
Only being able to reach to the second shelf, standing on the tip of his shoes, reaching for a book, you couldn't help but smile at the adorable sight, side-stepping closer and grabbing it instead to help him.
"Here you go kid," just as you were about to hand the book away you froze at the bold printed title; Wine, Dine and 69 ways to get some: A Locker Room Guide to Scoring with the Beautiful Women of the World. Your smile dropped as your face fell neutral, glancing at the doe-eyed boy that came up to your hip in height in concern.
"Thank you, Unnie," he replied politely, taking the book from your hands with a slight lisp in his voice as his front teeth were missing, not being able to properly pronounce symbols yet still being able to shock you completely in how to handle the situation.
 "Don’t you think you're a little too young to be reading something like this?" You ask him with a quirked brow.
The little boy doesn't seem to understand the oddity in his choice of literature, holding out the book with both hands as his eyes scanned over the cover, not fully able to process some of the letters before nodding his head as if he had figured out something.
 "Oh, it's not for me, it's for my dad. I’m trying to help him get some." As if it were surprising enough, something about the child openly indicating that his father needed to get laid made you smack your hand over your mouth in the habit of holding back your laughter, struggling to keep your professional adult composer. 
"And just where is your dad?" You had just now realized how huge and bright the kid’s eyes were, almost a golden yellow shade as they widened, turning their heads frantically looking around the isle, finally realizing that he was without his guardian.
His lip poked out, his arms crossed with the book between him. You hadn’t got much of the ocussicanal baby fever hype. The need to want a clone of yourself was not really something that you had much in mind since breaking up with Oikawa, ruining your entire perception of growing up and starting a family with some other man.
"What a dick," He spouts harshly, "He left me again." as if it weren't the first time he had to call his father out; you weren't as lucky as the last time out, backing your reaction with a small "oop." passing through your lips before you could stop it.
"How about we go find him before he starts to get worried?" You offer to take his hand and abandon your station, starting to walk down the main aisle towards one of the intercom phones.
You hadn’t even fully made your way up a different section of the store before the kid jerked his hand away, passing by the video game section, his little shoes pattering against the tiled floors before engulfing an older man that was browsing the Nintendo games in a hug. "You said you wouldn't leave me again, you liar."
"I’m not a liar; you're the one who wandered away first." The man’s eyes glance at his son, seemingly unbothered by his frantic state, even grabbing the child by the top of his head and pushing him away to grab another Nintendo controller box from the shelf.
"You're supposed to look for me. What if a bad stranger tries to kidnap me?"
"Bad strangers only kidnap cute kids," he says blandly. The child, taking huge offense to his father's teasing, his dramatic gasp, and head turn, eyeing you in disbelief, made you stiff. Having both of them notice your existence while standing just a few feet away made you stiffer still.
You watch him stiffen up, completely clearing his throat and awkwardly setting aside the controller box before picking it back up once he realized that he needed a new one. 
From how easily he turned skittish, you were starting to understand why he needed a bit of help talking to women, to the point where even his son was struggling to find outside advice on how to help his dad score.
That had been your first introduction to the single father, the second time coming around that falling week when you had caught the pair during their day out.
The little boy was chewing his father out in the middle of the GameStop for murdering his Minecraft dog, so in revenge, he made him return the game entirely, claiming to be "scared for life." Then you were able to formally introduce yourself and have since formed a pretty odd relationship with the two boys.
Harue called you almost every day from Kenma’s iPad, just to tell you how his day went or ask if you wanted to come over and play games with him. Much to Kenma’s muttering protest, telling his son how you had more important things to do than come over, much to his surprise, you hadn’t.
During your first visit, you quickly realized how truly loaded Kenma was, meeting Harue outside in the lobby of the penthouse, the kid rambling the entire elevator ride up to the top floor.
It was also around that time that you found out they had been set financially for life because of Kenma’s microcelebrity status as a gaming review channel that harbored around six million subscribers as well as owning a huge percentage of big company stocks.
But despite their being extremely wealthy, the main reason you always came around was that they were genuinely charming because you thought the two had the most entertaining and most positive personalities that you've ever met.
You loved to spend time with the two, enjoying their constant bickering and debates on which game character was better than the other, which fast food place they should order dinner from that day, and even being the middleman on which sports car they should drive just to go to their local game store.
You have also learned that Kenma’s baby momma didn't even claim Harue. The two weren't even together when she showed up on Kenma’s doorstep crying about being a few months pregnant after ghosting him the night after their first date.
Once he had gotten comfortable around you, Kenma was very open about regretting having a one-night stand with the woman, but always made it clear to Harue that he would never change a thing if it meant he would end up being his dad.
As the year continued, you quickly realized the feelings you had for Kenma were more than friendly, and that fucking scared you. 
But Harue, being the master matchmaker that he was (along with using his dad’s credit card to purchase dating advice books), would always set up you and Kenma to fall into some scheme that would always leave you two alone and flustered in each other's company until you had gotten tired of the whole awkward talking phase and bit the bullet, leading to a shared confession between you two.
You had to admit it was odd getting back into the dating scene, but you were also a very petty bitch and made it known to everyone that you were practically dating a millionaire.
An evil smirk would always spread across your lips. Oikawa would always be one of the first people to swipe through your Instagram stories of Kenma and you spending the night at a fancy restaurant or view your Tiktok videos of you and Harue failing to attempt some new trend online.
Your lives had changed drastically in just a year of knowing Kenma. Spending another year dating each other felt like a dream waking up next to him every day.
★  .  .  .    !
As you continued to poke and prod at your braids, cursing yourself for thinking the thirty-inch locs were anything but practical for the poor, plain eight-dollar pack of hair scrunchies you had purchased from Target.
Some strands had managed to peek through when you were molding the bun into place on your head with two elastics. No matter how many times you huffed and leaned down, convinced you were going to pass out just trying to tuck them away. 
Leaning in closer to the mirror, humming at the sight of your hairstyle, your lips pouting as you tilted your head to the side before your eyes caught sight of your boyfriend through the glass, wanting a second opinion on how you looked.
Swaying towards the bathroom's wide door frame, you gave a small pose that had caught his attention, turning away from the YouTube video that played from the flatscreen mounted across the room.
Kenma’s brow arched in confusion, his eyes gliding down your figure before meeting your eyes once more, expecting him to at least compliment you, your arms failing, gesturing towards your hair. "Does this look?"
"It looks fine." He shrugged his shoulders, his face as neutral as the first day you had first met him.
Since you two had started dating, Kenma’s walk-in closet had gone through a drastic change, his usually neutral color shades expanding to warmer and brighter colors that were still in his comfort zone. 
It was like you had become his personal stylist, the way you would have to pick out his outfits for any occasion that was remotely close to formal in any way.
On the night of your anniversary, you had to convince him to take a shower and wear a dark gray sweater vest despite his claims of it making him look like a fucking nerd. You had paired it with a white collar button down that peeked from the bottom and covered the belt of his black slacks.
You could already tell he was itching to remove the layers, already yanking at the neckline of his vest and eyeing his gaming console from across the room.
In addition to trying your best to make the night as perfect as possible, you had to physically peel Harue away from his VR set with the bribe of McDonald's and make him spend the night at one of his friend's house just to secure as much time alone with Kenma as possible.
"Just fine?" you asked once more, earning a side glance from Kenma, his expression now blank as his arms crossed over his chest. You had known him long enough to understand every expression and gesture that the grown man made. You had considered it a curse at this point to be able to understand him so clearly.
"Ah!" you shout, snapping your fingers out towards him as if he were a dog caught doing something wrong. "Fix your face, you're too damn old to be whining about having to go outside." Then, you returned back into the bathroom to examine yourself once more, your fingers flattening the creases in your black cocktail dress as it stuck and shaped all of your curves perfectly.
"Now come make yourself useful and help me zip this please." Your request was quickly followed by a dramatic sigh, Kenma dragging his feet until he approached from behind you, with his hands guiding your hips still in place.
Your eyes rolled as he held eye contact through his thick lashes, teasing by biting into your shoulder. "We don’t have time for you to be kinky right now." With a hitch of your breath, you had managed to distract yourself by rummaging through your jewelry box, eyeing the different assortment of gold and silver necklaces that you thought would work well with the low cut of your dress.
Kenma didn't seem to mind your distaste, only continuing to trail small kisses up your neck, your thighs pressing together, his hand wandering down to the plump of your ass, winding his hand back and smacking it with an open palm as if he had owned it. "How do you expect me not to act up when you look so good?" he whispered in your ear, recognizing the dark gaze in his eyes.
You ignored it, holding up a single golden hoop earring to see if the design would clash with your dress as Kenma continued to fondle your ass through your dress. "You said I looked fine," you scoffed, smacking his hand away.
Kenma only chuckled, "So fucking fine," his long fingers reaching around to fondle your breast instead of guiding your hips back into his crotch, pushing against his erection. You allowed him to manhandle you into place, only sighing as you were quickly wrapped around his finger, caught in the web of his dorky charm that always left you leaning in for more.
"In fact," he hummed, using the hook of his fingers to drape the straps of your dress down your shoulders. "Let me show you how pretty I think you look." Already he had started to strip you, holding eye contact when his hand pressed against the middle of your back, bending you against the cold marble sink. 
His fingers trailed under the hem of the ass, yanking it over your ass, exposing your lace panties, and looking down at you like he had unwrapped the best present ever. With the sound of his belt struggling to get loose, you couldn't help but peek at his fingers eagerly trying to shake loose from the metal belt.
The sound of your chuckling reaction makes him glare up at you, yanking the leather from the belt loops and zipping his pants to release his cock, his fingers making quick work of your lace thumb, tracing over the material against your clit before hooking them to the side and tearing them. "My bad," he says half-heartedly.
"I’ll buy you another pair." Spitting in his hand and lathering his length in a mix of your wet arousal thrusting himself against your lips with a breathy sigh. 
His hand reaches out to grab around the front of your neck, forcing you to stand with your back pressed against his chest. "I want to see you." He mutters in your ear, a shiver running up your spine as he curved his thumb to tilt your head up to get a better look at your reaction in the mirror.
Your knees are almost bucking into the counter, smacking a hand against the surface to keep yourself from falling forward from the feeling of his fingers spreading apart your lips to press his cock inside of you with little to no ease.
His pace started off mercifully, as with every thrust you chased after the feeling of being stuffed so fully, "so pretty ___," Kenma sighs, his fingers pushing past your lips and into your mouth, your tongue instantly wrapping around the digit as his rhythm sped up into deeper strokes.
The squelching noises and the sound of skin on skin echo through the bathroom. Every thrust Kenma had to hold as you felt light-headed every time the head of his cock would rub against the spot that made all your muscles feel like jelly.
Practically an expert at knowing every nook and cranny of your body, "Ken, just like that–" you whine around his finger. He only replied in a low hum, his eyes focused on your body, entirely convinced that he had known your body more than you did from the way he would leave you feeling dizzy and your legs wobbling from an orgasm. 
His hands let you go free as you slumped against the counter in the new position. Kenma raises your thigh up by the hook of your knee to angle himself inside deeper, his fingers leaving an indent in the plush of your skin.
Even before you two were comfortable with having sex, he would always be too touchy. His fingers played with the bud of your nipples, grinding against you while spooning and even forcing you to crawl into his lap whenever you made out.
Much to Harue’s disgust, he walked in many times just trying to find where you had run off to, only to see his dad with his tongue down your throat.
To Harue’s luck, you had a strict "no sex while the kid is around" rule to keep any embarrassing and potentially scary childhood memories from forming at a young age.
But you had somehow gotten the worst end of the stick. His son seemed to have gotten the same homebody trait when he was always stuck in the home office with his private tutor.
After he had completed all his work, he never seemed to show any interest in leaving the comfort of his gaming setup. Kenma was left high and dry, usually for weeks until Harue’s friends would invite him over. Kenma suspected that their partners had caught on to his suffering and were practically throwing his son out when they came to pick him up.
He would always make up for the time that you two would spend alone together, eating you out to the point where you had been begging to take a break from how sensitive your cunt was, or making it a goal to fuck on every surface around the house that he possibly could.
"Shit," Kenma yanked the material of your dress away from your ass, his fingers spreading you apart to get the mouthwatering view of his cock sucked in, his length covered in a creamy white coat from your arousal. 
His controlled pace makes your thigh tremble, "you look so gorgeous like this angel." His compliments were almost tormenting from the way he had fucked even the gel from your edges, grasping onto your hips tightly as if you’d turn into putty and slip away if he weren't too careful.
"I’m so close," you plead as mascara-covered tears stream down your cheeks, the tightening feeling building in your gut.
The pleasure was unbearable as Kenma made it a point to fuck you like you were a personal sex doll custom made just for him to ruin. His name is constant on the tip of your tongue, moaning and gasping it like it was your favorite word. 
Your legs were wobbly like you had just figured out how to use them, planting them both back on the floor, leaning into Kenma’s front, too preoccupied with being fucked stupid to care about how your hips were smashing into the edge of the sink with every thrust.
It wouldn't be the first time Kenma had been the reason you would find questionable bruises on your body in the morning.
Your cunt clenched at the disheveled sight of Kenma who had been completely pussy drunk, his normally pale skin now flushed a light pink hue. 
His eyes squeezed tightly shut, with his canine teeth pointing from his lips as he bit in your shoulder to keep himself from whimpering out your name every time your pussy clenched around him so desperately. 
Leaning in and grabbing his chin to place a kiss on his mouth, like your lips were a reward. Kenma’s tongue was already poking from his mouth into yours. His fingers naturally gravitated towards your chest, as if he had found comfort in playing with your hardened nipples.
As his thumbs ran across your hardened buds, you shivered, your cunt clenching around him in response."You make me feel so good, baby," His hands gripped tightly against your torso.
His nails dug lightly into your skin, chasing his high, nuzzling his forehead against the back of your neck as he choked on the moan that threatened to pass from his throat.
"I wanna see your face, Ken-ken," you say, even with him plowing into you. You had still managed to sound so demanding.
Kenma was quick to melt into the little obedient boyfriend that he was, revealing his hazel eyes that glistened from the threat of shredding tears from how pussy drunk he felt. "Gonna cum in me, huh—ah, wanna get me all knocked up, pretty boy?" The praise affected him as expected, and Kenma grimaced at it, even ducking his head away as if turning away would be enough to hide his flushed reaction.
With the courage of a racing horse, he had delivered one more smack against your ass, which you thought was a nice finishing touch, apparently too nice as your end tumbled out of your walls, making his hips stutter, struggling to stay in sight at the sight of your orgasm.
The marble countertops were only being used to stabilize you as Kenma tugged out of you and released you on your backside with a low grunt.
There was a moment where clarity had settled in pulling away from his hands that groped at your ass. "I can’t believe your socially awkward ass just fucked me to get out of going to dinner." You hunched over the counter, trying to catch your breath as Kenma wiped your behind clean with a piece of tissue.
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next part.
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zorosprincess · 1 year
Text
Textbook Definition of Disappointment
Pairing: Oikawa Toru x Reader
Word Count: ~1.4k
Genre: more comfort than hurt
Summary: The textbook definition of disappointment. The unhappiness or discouragement that results when your hopes or expectations have not been satisfied. When someone or something is not as good as you had hoped or expected.
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The textbook definition of disappointment. The unhappiness or discouragement that results when your hopes or expectations have not been satisfied. When someone or something is not as good as you had hoped or expected.
The textbook definition of disappointment. You.
Or at least that’s what you believed.
It was easy to forget when you needed to do what. When there were so many things to do and the list kept growing. It was easy to forget what was the most important.
You were supposed to be the successful one in the family. The biggest pride. To get your life together first. First in the friend group to get their career on track. The first in the family to finish college. The first to make everyone proud. But here you were.
You wanted to do something with your life that brought you joy. But to do that you needed a “real job”. To get that you needed to go to school. And to go to school you needed to have a job to be able to afford it. A cycle you felt stuck in. One that was overwhelming. One that made you think that if you were to ask for an honest opinion. Honestly… would anyone be proud?
No. You knew you weren’t living up to expectations.
You weren’t caught up on any of your classes. The work was piling up but all you could do was ignore it. Every time you even thought about it, it felt like you were going to collapse in on yourself. Like you wouldn’t be able to finish if you started. Or you wouldn’t be able to do it as well as you wanted. If you couldn’t do it as well as expected then why try? Why prove that if you tried it would be a disappointment?
If you didn’t try then they would never know.
If you didn’t talk to anyone about it then you could pretend like everything was all fine. Right up until the point when the most observant person in your life could tell that you were lying.
Oikawa Tōru. Who unfortunately knew more about you than you knew about yourself sometimes. You hated it with your entire being whenever you were trying to hide something.
He’d invited you over to his dorm today for dinner and a movie night. A celebration for the end of the week. A tradition you both held whenever the week was really stressful and you wanted to remember that you survived and could do it again.
Tōru had been quieter than usual tonight. Still was giggly and flirty and trying to toss you into the air when he saw you. Sweet kisses and sweeter words twisting on his tongue like they were meant to live there. He’d grown quieter once you’d both settled into the couch with your takeout and had a movie running. You were starting to finally relax, to sink into the couch against him and it seemed like his muscles were finally relaxing too. Body melting against yours, he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you into him.
He nuzzled his nose into your neck softly and took a deep inhale, breathing you in as you giggled lightly at the tickle of his breath. “You know you can talk to me right?” He whispered softly, innocently, but the tone made you freeze. Your smile slipping off your face slightly, knowing he couldn’t see it fall, and your throat squeezing. He sounded worried. Like he knew something he shouldn’t.
“Of course I can talk to you.” You tried joking, pushing a smile back into your voice. “I’m doing it right now silly.”
He sighed and pulled back slightly, drawing you forward and turning you slightly so that you were forced to look at him. You were right. Worry etched itself as lines into his stupidly perfect face. His eyebrows were scrunched together lightly, just visible below where his bangs hung messily in front of his face. “You know I mean talk about what’s going on.”
“What’s going on?” You tried playing dumb, like if you tried enough you could fool one of the smartest people you knew. Not that you would ever admit that as a fact to him.
“Y/n.” He started and you winced at his use of your name rather than a pet name, without any honorifics attached. “How were your classes this week?”
“They were fine.” You lied through your teeth. You hadn’t gone. Not to a single one. Couldn’t bring yourself to face your professors whose homework you hadn’t done and the classmates who you were sure could tell that you did not have it together. “I mean it was class so it wasn’t amazing and I wasn’t -”
“There.” He finished, cutting you off and watching as your mouth hung open for a second. You opened and closed it a few times before finally finding what you wanted to say, but he started before you. “You didn’t go to your classes this week, did you?”
“Tōru-”
“I went to pick you up Wednesday. Wanted to surprise you and take you out for some boba and maybe some ice cream but you weren’t there. And then I tried again yesterday. And then today finally I asked a classmate of yours if maybe you’d been leaving early and she said you hadn’t been in any classes all week.” You stared at him silently. The feeling of dread filling up in your chest, preparing yourself for the inevitable reveal that you were disappointing him just as much as you were everyone else. “So do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
“Its nothing.” You mumbled, trying to turn your head but he brought it back to face him again. “I just had a lot of work to catch up on so I figured I could get some done if I didn’t go.”
“Y/n. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”
“Please let’s just watch the movie, Tōru.” You begged, glancing towards the movie playing in the background. “Its your night to relax, let’s not worry about me.” You sighed when he refused to look away or let you turn away. “Please don’t make me talk about this, Tōru. You don’t want to have to tell me what you’ll have to.”
“How behind are you?” You jerked your face out of his hands and turned it away. Forcing yourself to not look at him, to not watch the disappointment that you knew was filling his features right now. You could feel the tears welling up in your eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He sighed, brushing his fingers softly across your cheek trying to gently get you to turn back. “We could have turned these movie nights into study nights, homework nights, I could help you.”
“I’m sorry.” You whispered, still refusing to look at him. Refusing to see the look you were sure was there. “I didn’t want to let you know how much of a disappointment I was.” He took your face in his hands then, fiercely and jerked it back to look at him.
“A disappointment!” He exclaimed. “How would you be a disappointment?”
You scoffed lightly and shook your head. “I’m the textbook definition of a disappointment, Toru.” You swallowed the lump in your throat and ignored the tears ready to spill over. “I’m never as good as what’s expected of me. And I’ll never live up to what people hope I’ll be.”
“Disappointment? You could never disappoint me. You make me the textbook definition of proud. Proud to know you, to be around you.” He sighed and wiped the tears that were now freely coming down your cheeks. “You’re allowed to be overwhelmed.” You swallowed harshly and tried to shake your head but he kept you in place. “You’re allowed to be overwhelmed, you can talk to me about it and I’ll help.” You sniffled slightly and he pulled you into his chest, letting you collide into his warmth as he wrapped his arms around you. “Lets do this together. We’ll make a list and work through it together.” He pressed a kiss to the top of your head.
“Can we do it tomorrow though?” You asked, the words muffled by his chest and you could feel the vibration as he gave a soft laugh.
“Yes. We can do it in the morning, you can just cuddle with me tonight.” You nodded a teary thank you and melted again into his touch. Because the overwhelming feeling of not being able to succeed pressed on your mind still, but Tōru was always there to remind you that you could do things as long as you didn’t try to do it on your own.
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a/n: not my best work but I still enjoy it
a/n2: please remember that, no matter how you think you’re failing, no matter if you think you’re disappointing people, there’s always people proud of you for what you’ve accomplished and what you’re trying to overcome
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akimind · 1 year
Text
oh, captain, my captain.
a/n: vague orz
content: angst
word count: 1.4k+
[ oikawa x reader ]
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“Why am I never enough for you?”
The question is drowned out from your lips by the sobs wracking your body through the waves of turmoil like a boat in a storm.
The water is deep, and you are sinking.
You bring one hand up to uselessly cover the wetness on your face, falling from your eyes and nose like a downpour that you cannot stop. You are a barrel of gunpowder poured too full to the brim, sealed air-tight for too long than can be counted, and the pressure has been lit tonight by a match.
Fire.
You let your voice tremble, if only just a smidge, just because you’ve held it in this far. Because you realize you’ve gone too long without notice, and it’s too late to keep hiding it away. The barrel is weakening, and now, after so many nights of keeping your voice steady and maintaining the illusion that everything is going okay and nothing ever brings you down and life is a movie where love interests end up married with a house in a perfect neighborhood, white picket fence and all…after so many nights of wearing the porcelain mask of that, you feel the cracks seep into your skin.
As gunpowder sparks to life, there are flames within your words.
“I put all of my dreams aside, I left everything I knew and loved for you, and yet you act like there’s still more I can give.”
The scent of the sea drifts in through the open window just then, a reminder by chance that the breeze you’re breathing in is Argentinian, a breeze Tooru’s known long enough to not be swayed.
But it is that precise distinction—the difference between a sea breeze paired with eccentric night life on a beach you’re unfamiliar with versus the scent of grass in the still and calm air you remember from home, from a field near the banks of the river in Miyagi—that has brought you to this point.
After so long of standing your ground, you allow the winds to force your stumble.
“There’s nothing more, Tooru…I’m spent.” Your bottom lip trembles, and you choke on your words but force them out of you. “Everything I have, I’ve spent on you. For you. For us.”
His chest heaves and his jaw visibly clenches.
You ask brokenly, “What more do you want from me?”
Tooru’s face is taken by distress, and he steps forward and grasps your hands in his. “There’s nothing more I want,” he assures, insistent like he always is. “I have you.” 
You want to believe him. Oh, you so want to believe him and the lines of worry etched onto his face, and you want to smooth them out because Oikawa Tooru is an icon; that pretty face of his and that velvet voice of his…neither should be marred by pain because of you.
But the cause of your pain is him, and the circle is endless; between you and him, it goes round and round.
You take a deep breath in an attempt to speak without hiccuped sobs. “Do you know how many times I have to put up a farce and pretend I’m not stupid when I talk to your friends?” you say, peering up at him. “To the people who approach us when we go out, people who I don’t even know, who don’t even know us? They know you, but they don’t know us. Not us together.”
Tooru’s grip gets tighter.
“And yet they somehow ask little things from me…what do I do for you, how do I keep you, why am I not more like you…” You sniffle and exhale shakily.
“Y/n…don’t listen to them.”
“I knew it’d be hard,” you mumble, tracing back the lines of the pages in your head that were supposed to be the story you and Tooru wrote. The story you thought would be your lifelong tale, would end the way all people want their stories to end. “It shouldn’t be so hard when you’re with me, though, right? It shouldn’t…”
You shake your head like you’re trying to convince that of yourself, that it’ll undo what you now know—have always known—to be the truth. Then you look him in the eyes because maybe, just maybe, he’ll be able to tell you how to believe in denial.
But Tooru just blinks at you, searching.
And your shoulders drop as he gives you no answer.
“But then we go through days like today, and you treat me the same way that they do.”
He rubs his thumbs into your skin. “Baby, I’m so sorry.”
They’re three words Tooru never gives up lightly, but by now you’ve heard them too many times, and this one has lost all heartfelt feeling.
“I just wanted to do something nice for you, Tooru,” you say quietly. “I thought I put my intent and meaning into today, and you’ve just thrown it all in my face.”
Just one day was all you wanted. One date on one day with Tooru and nobody else, nothing to distract him or break his attention away, just one day where you could be the way you were before, unadulterated and vulnerable and real. You wanted your Tooru who you thought was real. The one who made you feel like being happy was being real, not an illusion like people so claim.
But he was just a golden idol, a temporary happiness to your seeking of love, shrunk too far in his jeweled shell his admirers molded around him, too hollow to realize his fleeting words of inadequacy, inferiority, were more than enough to shoot you at his feet.
To make you feel so unqualified, so unfit, so lacking in everything compared to him, that you didn’t even know why you ever thought your mere humanity could tame him in all his godly presence in the first place.
You’ve made it clear we’re worlds apart…so what am I even doing here then?
“I thought you were the one person I could come to and be myself around. The one person I thought I could relax with, didn’t have to pretend to be perfect with. You were supposed to be my comfort, Tooru.” You forcibly tear your hands out of his. “You were supposed to be my home.”
“I can be your home—”
“So why does it feel like you’re some kind of a deity I have to keep my guard up around? Why does it feel like every time we get closer, I have to remind myself not to think it’s anything deeper because you don’t feel genuine underneath it all?”
His arms drop to his sides and he offers no answer to your questions.
You swallow. “There are times that feel like you could flip a switch and just act like we never even happened.”
He looks at you and your heart tugs, a Pavlovian response you wish so badly to unlearn.
“I never meant to make you feel that way,” he tells you wearily.
You close your eyes, just as worn through as him. “Just because I don’t perfect things…doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” you reason with an aching sigh. “Your expectations for things—you do things grandly, Tooru. And I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful you make elaborate gestures and go above and beyond without being asked, but…I love in different ways. I can’t show it as grandly as you do.”
He bows his head like he’s ashamed that you’re right, and you know he thinks you’re right because he doesn’t say anything in protest, his mouth sealed shut for once in his life.
It solidifies the fact that this is all real.
Your heart breaks at the thought.
“I…I thought you accepted me, that I wasn’t like you. I can’t be exactly like you,” you whisper. “But I thought, despite that, I was still enough.”
Your throat grows tight again as you feel the emotion race up your body, from the ends of your fingers to consolidate against your heart, pounding on it like a weakened door, the wood waiting to be broken in.
It splinters.
You let one sob escape. “After everything I’ve done, I thought it’d be enough for you. I thought that finally, I would be enough for you.”
And Tooru finally looks up too, dejected and tears trailing down his own face, wiping his cheeks and his nose with the back of his hand as he silently cries because he can’t even fight it. He can’t fight you when he knows that you’re right, when you ask out loud what doesn’t need to be answered. He’s asked it of himself his entire life, and has never found or made peace with his own truth.
Now, too late, he realizes that peace is you.
“But nothing is ever enough for Oikawa Tooru, is it?”
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nicohii · 1 year
Text
in my room.
Pairing: Oikawa Tooru x Reader
Genre: Angst. Slice of life. Roommates to mutual pining. Timeskip. 
Tags: Oikawa haves a fit but works his way through it. 
Summary:  you're an exchange student. he's a foreign athlete who decided he needed a roommate. 11 months with oikawa: staring at ceilings and communicating through nods and heads buried in shoulders. inspired by in my room - chance pena and that one tiktok edit of fleabag confession.
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You came into his unit sometime in the last month of the year. From a different country, with her suitcases and baggage. You both didn't really pay each other so much attention. Just enough to be civil roommates. The normal exchange student and her host spiel, the common tenant finding his unit a little bit colder and lonelier that he put up a lease for a new housemate kind of thing.
You tell him your name. A distinct accent in the last syllable. Something that you both differ, since his accent made it sound like slang, considering he, himself, came from a different country. But it’s your name all the same. He called himself Oikawa Tooru.
"Whatever feels best with you works." he smiles.
"Tooru sounds nice. Can I call you that?"
"That can work too." He offers a kind smile. A comforting one to a foreigner in a different land, scared to be alone for the first time. His smile is attractive. You can tell that it’s one that makes people fall to their knees with hands clutching their hearts and heat crawling up their cheeks. But to you, at that time, it was a warm welcome associated with a new home.
Shake hands. That is that.
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The apartment's wall was cream. A cozy off-white unit, with brown carpeting. Heavy black doors that made a distinct bang and latch sound when you let them close by themselves.
His studio -- which he was mostly in half of the day when he was not training, (he was an athlete, apparently – in the national team no less), had black walls. You just saw it once, when he asked for your help to set up the wiring under his table. He was too big to fit under it. His fingers though elegant and slender yet calloused from his years of battery as a setter, were still a little bit chubbier to fit in the small spaces between the edge of his table and the wall.
Your room had the same color as the apartment itself. Cream. Off-white. Bland. It often reminded you of your room from home, it's white though. With gray sheets and golden curtains. A hole in the window screen with uneven floors. This room though-- in Tooru’s unit, is smooth. Cream walls, white blinds, fluffy floors.
His room had blue walls. With silk sheets, sometimes they were cotton when the others were on the washer— with a white and teal jacket draped on one of the chairs. Aoba Johsai.
It's funny he said, he used to have red walls back home.
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Most of the time he was funny without even trying. There was one time he bought a television set and it took him three tries to get a functioning one.
You were not so sure, and maybe Tooru was too. When you started calling him not by his name but just a soft and sweet hey, or when he started hanging out with you a little more. When the soreness of his muscles or the homesick feeling in his stomach becomes a little less when he comes home to see you rummaging through the fridge, arranging the leftovers from your cooking in chronological order so he could take some with him in training or eat it in the morning.  When his usual alone walks during his day offs became linked arm slow walks with you in silence. Sometimes talking about which pubs to try next, which kind of liquor in your country fucked you up the most that you can’t wait to have him try. Or talk about the food he could not stand.
You were not sure how you found yourself in his room when he was having a fit. You learned that he had this thing when he gets frustrated, he explodes. In the times when he finds it unbearable and tiring to play the part of the loveable pretty boy and just wants to unleash all his frustrations and anger in the world, and when overworking himself isn’t enough, he just goes boom.
Yelling but not asking you to leave. He hates it, he thinks it’s an ugly part of him. Something that he had locked up for a long time even back at home. Only to be unleashed behind closed doors and shared with just his closest friends. He expects you to leave in the middle of it all. To pack your bags or to keep yourself in your side of the house.
But you look at him not with any tinge of what he expects. Not even with pity. You look at him with what looks like relief. Of what? He tries to ask. You just shrug, I would be more surprised if you didn’t, Tooru. C’mon, nobody’s that perfect. Besides, that rage deserves to be let out. And you don’t leave his side while he’s at it. You listen to all his angry musings, and you just sit there until he finally spends his energy yelling in rage, and he'll calm down. He'll curl up in bed and you'll leave, quietly with no judgment. Put the kettle on and make tea. He will drink it later when he’s feeling better.  For now, you will leave him with his well-needed space. You retreat to your room.
There is a fresh pot of coffee when you come out that night. Black, no sugar – just how you make it. With your favorite mug cleaned on the side.
Thank you.
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Most of the time, you wear black. Regardless of the fucking Argentinean heat. It is cold. Compared to your hometown’s heat--and even then, you drink piping hot coffee. It is a story that somehow comes and goes in his mind. It’s random, but somehow, he keeps on remembering that.
It is rare that you find yourself like this, in an outdoor café in the middle of the town square. Pouring rain, with Oikawa Tooru silent in the seat in front of you. Something is wrong you can tell. He likes telling you stories. Likes telling stories about this show he's watching, this new game plays the team is trying, upcoming games, crazy fan stories, his mom, his dad, and his friends –not today though. But it is fine, you'll wait until he is ready. For now, you'll settle with observing that he also likes wearing gray.
A gray sweater, in a gray café, in gray weather.
He moves to sit next to you, before the both of you decide to leave. It’s your umbrella, your sure. You can tell by the color. The heat from his arm seeps into you, you can feel it despite the layers of your coat. He does not want to talk, but he wants to stay close.
It's fine we can stay this way, you try to tell him as you nudge him with your arm. You doubt he knows what it meant, much less even feeling it in the first place. Given the size difference.
There is a light smile on his lips, and he nods.
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Most of the time, Oikawa Tooru is horny. A little bit oversexualized, but normal nonetheless. He makes sex jokes, and shares his experiences and you can only listen in shock, wonder, intrigue and sometimes in amusement.
But there are times... there are times you can tell when he's trying to pretend everything's fine. Because Tooru is your friend, and you know that you are far from what gets him going-- what gets him hard.
So, you know that something is wrong when the silent walk ends up with you in his room, his sheets in disarray. And the both of you sit together on the edge of his mattress. He is silent, in deep thought. He can't even look at her before he makes a move to take off his shirt and you grab his arm.
His shirt is never taken off, his lips never kissed, but his eyes teary.
"You know you can talk to me, Tooru Whatever it is, I can listen."
And you are reminded that the ceilings as well are colored cream. Cream with a light bulb and white cornice. You recount the details as you let him sob on your shoulder. Wrapping both of his long arms around one of yours.
Right. Right arm. So small compared to his.
You can't help but think how at this moment, he feels so small. You can't help but think that not even when she can feel his tears on her shirt. When it's bleeding into her skin. When he sobs, his deep voice in broken hiccups. Saliva almost mixes with snot. But it's fine.
The tears in his eyes become prominent against the collar of your shirt, cloth wet that it sticks to your skin. You just stay there and let him sob his heart out against your shoulders. He wonders how in the world did that happen, to find this deep level of trust to share this level of vulnerability between two beings coming from different ends of the world, meeting in the middle.
We can just stay like this, you try to tell him again...with a nudge.
The hug on your arms grows tighter; a nod against your shoulder.
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You are in the same town square as the café, on a bright day. When it's not too hot, not too cold. Not too sunny, not cloudy either.
And Tooru is doing better. You can tell. He smiles better now. And you know that even if he may have his fit every now and then, his smile tells you he can handle it now. Alone.
And maybe that is it.
Maybe that is why as you approach him, with snacks in your hand that you bought from a store that sold snacks from your country, ones you wanted him to try... you can't bring yourself to look at his eyes.
Even if he looks so happy and at peace now.
How can 11 months feel like a decade? How can you know someone for a while and feel like you've been with them for a lifetime?
It's a shame, really. Could have been a year.  You scoff at your idea. You deny it. It’s easier than telling him that what would happen next is hard for you too. Even more than him.
There is a suitcase beside the bench. He keeps looking at it the way you look at him. A forced smile, but understanding knowing.
Ah. We both can't look at each other's eyes.
"Want to go for a short walk?"  You try to ease the silence. Try to start a light conversation between two friends, praying out there that he does not hear the crack in your voice.
We can just stay like this, he tells you through a nod. Like those silent nudges before. No words. Both of you just seem to know.
He wears black now too. Similar to the ones you wore all those other times. A black coat, a black shirt, black jeans, and black boots. Well, would you look at that? This is the first time you saw him wear black... at a party... he was also saying goodbye. Was it a teammate who was switching teams? A retiring coach? You couldn’t remember. All you know is that he asked you to come with him because he didn’t want to be alone and he didn’t want to go with some random partner either. So, he brought you.
...and it finally makes sense.
Whose suitcase is it.
You sit on the other end of the bench, a space between. Just a suitcase in between. The gray cobble road, the black lamp post, and an alleyway in front between two establishment walls. The both of you just stare ahead.
Oikawa Tooru makes no attempt to move and touch you, you don't either.
"You can make it now." You say staring at the floor. Apparently cobbled stones look like their bursting, their convex tops embossing themselves.
"Yeah." Oikawa Tooru responds. Staring at the wall in the alleyway. He remembers this is where he took a picture and used it on his profile on a specific social networking site.
"I think...I loved you." You whisper. You almost don’t want to say it. Don’t want to admit it. But that's the thing, isn’t it? You don’t get to heal from something without first admitting that you're sick in the first place. You don't get to let go without admitting you had it.
You finally try to look at his eyes. Their brown. With thick brows and almost like a scar in between. His stubble and mustache are starting to grow again, not that thick but enough to make a silhouette of where they were before. But you— you know where they are even if they aren’t there, he let you shave them in the first place.  There's a faint smile on his lips.
"It'll pass," he says so softly. And you want to fool yourself if he's tearing up too, but you know that truthfully, you don’t know.
Because by the time he told you it'll pass, it's a blur. He is right.
You take the suite case.
The ceiling is white.
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shisnhou · 2 years
Text
MEMORIES.
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pairing: oikawa tooru x gn! reader
genre: angst, heartbreak
cw: hints at a past toxic/unhealthy relationship, might contain errors
wc: tbc
an: i wrote this half asleep
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you‘ve dreaded for this moment to come.
you‘ve tried to drag it out for as long as you possibly could have. but one can only do so much when something, had already been written down on your faith book. all that dodging goes down the drain when his brown eyes look you up and down while he stands by the door way.
"hey."
"oh,"
just by looking at him, you can feel all the memories hit you like a truck. all the things you‘ve done just to drag this moment for so long, falls straight to that hole, dragging you by your ankles.
"how‘re ya?" he smiles so sweetly as if he had not just broken your heart merely months ago, as if he hadn‘t ripped it into shreds right before your very eyes, speaking so casually as if he had not just left you there as a broken piece.
"what’re you doing here, oikawa?" you hate that you easily allowed him to walk into your life again just by ringing your doorbell. you hate how easy it is for him to walk back into your life and act so casually. you hate how easy it is for him to see your protective barriers dissolve into thin just because you saw him.
in short, you hate him.
"i just want to talk." oh, there he goes again, seducing you with his tongue as he did before. those words of his, they fall so easily from his lips. whether he knows it or not, it surely makes an impact on you. an impact you wish would not sway you.
"i don‘t want to. goodbye." is your stern reply before you shut the door out. there is no desire in you, nor does you brain allow you to talk to him. however your heart, it so deeply wants it, no matter how irrational it may seem.
and as if he had heard your heart‘s desire, he sets his foot between the frame and the shutter. his hand on the wooden door as he looks at you with his pleading brown eyes.
"please," he pleads. you hate it. "i‘ve— i‘ve got no one else to walk to. you‘re the only one i‘ve got left. i— i can‘t hold it in anymore."
you hate him.
you hate this situation.
you hate it all.
you hate it so much because you allow him to walk into your home with his face falling into the crook of his neck. you swallow thickly as you shut the door with your foot, feeling his tears fall unto your skin as his hands clutch your waist ever so tightly; like you‘d run away if he doesn‘t.
as you lead him to the kitchen with his sobs falling past his lips, you also feel your tears brim your eyes. all your efforts are gone, simple as that, within the blink of an eye, gone as if it had never existed in the first place. you tried so hard to move on. for months and months on end, actively distracting yourself so hard to get over him.
it was stupid of you to think you‘re actually over him when you know deep inside you‘d let him so easily walk back into your life like this.
"i can‘t do this anymore, (y/n)!" he cries. a bottle of wine in his hand as he curls himself on the corner. you wish to yell 'so can‘t i!' at him as well, but you can‘t. if you do so, you feel like you‘d break your fragile heart even more.
time passes just like that. and now it‘s quarter past three. you‘re intoxicated, and so is he. he‘s a sobbing mess, and you‘re no better.
"c— can‘t we just go back to the way it was? before.. before it was all so complicated..?" he cries, looking at you with pleading eyes. with those words, you only feel more tears bleed from your eyes as your skin grows warmer.
"tooru—" you stutter, clenching your fists as you wrap your hands around yourself. "we- we can‘t keep doing this, okay? i— i can‘t be your friend, we— i— we‘ve just gone through so much! and i feel that if we become friends again, it would just through away everything we had had. everything we kept so sacredly would be nothing."
"no! i— we can try again—!"
"no we can‘t!" you finally exclaim. fat tears are dripping harshly from your eyes as you put your hands on your head, clenching the roots of your hair tightly. "no matter how hard we fucking try it‘s never going to work out! the ending will always be the same because— for fuck sake— you and i were never meant to be in the first place!"
as much as it hurts you to say so, you have to say it. the truth hurts, and it always will.
"so please… don‘t make it harder than it already is. we can‘t keep doing this anymore, tooru." you mumble through your sobs and he looks at you with his tears already down his neck, flowing harshly like a river.
silence wallows you both. only the sounds of tears, sniffles, and sobs echo throughout the room. the smell of heartbreak reeks harshly in the air, evading the once cool air, causing it to go stuffy.
"i guess— i guess we‘re never going to be it, huh?" he bitterly says to himself, looking at the ground as he swallows hard. "there really is no going anywhere with what he had, right?" he grits through his teeth, looking up and swallowing as he holds back the sobs stuck in his throat.
"tell me, did me showing up ruin things for you?" it seems like he has become sober, as if all the alcohol he had downed went out of his body. "because when i came here, i couldn‘t get a grip on myself. i wanted to maybe see, see if you would still take me in. i wore the things you like so that i‘d make even the slightest appeal. but i guess— i guess it won‘t do shit." his voice falters with every line due to the emotions stuck on his throat.
you have no idea as to what you should say, because in truth, you‘re no better than he is. there is not a single bone in your body that‘s not telling you to run to back to him, but your mind seems to freeze your movements, saving you from the heartache.
"we- we never really went anywhere else, tooru." you shakily sigh, looking down at him as you bite your lower lip. "so, we shouldn‘t be eachother‘s reason as to why we can‘t fall in love with someone else."
you feel like dying as he nods, showing that he‘s agreeing. you don‘t want him to agree. no matter how much it hurt you and traumatized you to be with him, you can‘t just put him in the back of your head to be eventually forgotten.
"if— if this is then— let me— i—" he can‘t even comprehend a proper sentence. hands in his hair as he bawls his eyes out right there. you don‘t even notice it, when he runs up to you and hugs you so tightly. his hands are on your waist as he cries on to you, head above yours as he smells the familiar smell of your shampoo, hugging you tightly as he kisses your head. "i— i‘m sorry. we— i broke us off. i‘m sorry i broke your heart. but i can‘t let you go. my heart leads to you all the time, no matter where i am."
"tooru—"
"but if me clinging unto you will hurt you more, then so be it." he sadly whispers, giving you one last squeeze as he kisses your forehead lovingly, tears damping you up. "i won‘t drag this further. i‘ll set you free, set me in the past, and move on. i‘ll just take what i have left here so that you move on and forget about me."
you can‘t even respond, unable to move as he walks past you, straight to your room. it breaks your heart worse, hearing him rummage through the closet you both once shared. it‘d been left untouched, you left it be. maybe because a part of you really hoped to let him back in. yet it with the turn of events, it won‘t happen anymore.
you stand there for as long as he finishes. he finally has everything he owns. the book you both read, the stuffed toy of him that he gave you, his highschool jersey that you loved so much, the shoes he owns that matches with yours, and lastly, the photo album you had made for him.
"i— i‘ve got it all." he whispers, looking down as he clenches his full hands hard. "i‘m— going. i won‘t hurt you any longer." his eyes never failed to meet yours as he speaks and he doesn‘t dare take a step towards you, in fear that if he does, then maybe he won‘t be able to leave after all.
"so maybe, this is goodbye." he chuckles grimly with a forced smile, yet you cannot seem to return to him. not the chuckle. not the bitter smile. yet instead, the goodbye.
as the old saying goes, saying goodbye entails that you‘ll never see them ever again. you can‘t even bring yourself to speak as he walks away with a heavy heart, sobbing quietly before the door closes so loudly yet so quietly behind him. silence envelopes you as you fall to the ground before loud wails of heartbreak come from you.
now that he‘s gone, said his goodbye, he‘s no longer coming back, and now you‘ll be forced to let him stay merely in your memories.
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yeahthatwouldbedark · 9 months
Text
Yen per second
tropes: death trope, friends to lovers (if you have won a golden medal in squinting really hard), rivals to lovers, bully romance bestie, college au, friends with benefits, Oikawa and reader have known each other since childhood.
trigger warnings (for the entire series): child abuse, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, bullying, depression, child neglect, terminal illness at some point, broken home, mental breakdowns, panic attacks, anxiety, death, injuries (Oikawa’s bad knee for example), substance abuse. 
Chapter 6 
22.9k words 
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December 15th
Her hands sting as she applies soothing cream on her palm on which there lies a network of channels of dry, inflamed skin. December is anything but kind. But is the weather to blame for forgetting to care for her body and appearance? Yet, it seems she is not alone in her suffering because the moment Rin starts rubbing his hand together after she has squirted some cream onto the back of Rin’s hand, he winces and cusses out loud. There is no one to hear them anyway. She doubts anyone would stumble upon them if they were to run around naked.
Y/n almost wonders why it was that they chose to sit down here of all places; on the grass when the sidewalk is right up the hill and a few kilometers to the south there is a convenience store where they could slurp some spicy ramen. I suppose they wished for the privacy of utter solitude, ruptured occasionally only by the cars rushing by, few and far between. They need the sporadic interruption to bring them down to earth when their conversations have soared too far above. There goes another car, the passengers utterly oblivious to their existence.
“So…” He starts, grimacing as he spreads the cream between his cold fingers. “You’ve made up your mind then.”
At first, she doesn’t understand what he’s getting at. But there’s only one thing she could be contemplating, that they would have caught wind of from Ayame.
Y/n shrugs and thrusts the tube inside her backpack among her books and pens.
“Pretty much.” She confirms. Beside her, Suna glances at her before looking forward to avoid being caught. “Why?”  
Rin sighs just as a gust of cold wind blows their way. Both of them shiver and look at each other as if to confirm they are not alone in the agony stemming from their unfathomable stupidity.
Successfully suppressing a smile, he says, “Not gonna tell you what to do but…
His trailing off has her staring intently as he expects her to simply guess the remainder of his sentence.
“But what?” Y/n tilts her head and places her fist near his mouth. “Speak into the mic, Suna-sama.”
Sighing, Rin rests his forearms on his knees. “You could move into an apartment in the building where I live.”
“Why?” She asks, lowering her fist on her lap.
“To keep an eye on you?” Upon meeting her gaze, he adds, “Someone has to.” 
Y/n rolls her eyes and is about to respond with a light-hearted jab at his irresponsible nature being far worse than hers, when his ringtone beats her to it as he fishes it out of the pocket of his black padded coat (they’re matching by the way) and grimaces at the screen. Breath coming out in puffs of steam, he brings the device to his ear.
“I’ve been busy.” He says.
In the meantime, Y/n pulls out blades of grass and starts dividing them into strips as thin as she can make them. She often does this when the silence is too loud, a silence that asphyxiates instead of alleviating the unease of the person that dwells in it. One by one, bit by bit, the blades of grass are as thin as individual strands of hair, something in which she finds comfort. Now the grass is something she can relate to.
Next to her, Rin tenses and presses his knuckles against his thigh, cracking them as if to provide some relief for the discomfiting conversation he’s been thrust into. At least, Y/n deduces it is discomfiting by the frown that has his face contorted in an expression of barely suppressed frustration. He could explode at any moment, Y/n thinks, and might go as far as to catapult the poor phone further down the hill.
“Yeah.” He speaks again. “Yeah, I’m coming.”
When she glances at him, Y/n meets his eyes. A small smile rises triumphantly on his lips. But it is gone as soon as it appears, leaving her less than two seconds to enjoy it, to respond to it with a tilt of her own lips.
“No.” He responds with a deadpan face, and the voice on the other end becomes louder, nearing a shrill cry, and Rin pulls the phone away from his ear as if to lessen the blow. “Because I don’t wan- okay fine, fine. Don’t yell. Your blood pressure’s gonna skyrocket. Bye. Yes, I will. Now, bye. See you.”
Rin makes no effort to conceal his discontent with how he sighs, grunts, shoves the phone in his pocket and viciously zips it up to the point where he has to check he hasn’t accidentally ruined the zipper. As soon as he calms down, Y/n abandons the blades of grass, leaving them at the mercy of the wind, wraps her arms around her bent legs, and lays her head upon her knees. She’s glad for the padded coat, as it serves as a cushion. Were it not for Rin seething with malcontent she would allow her consciousness to be swept off its feet, carried away by the wind. The cold be damned.
“Your grandma?” Y/n asks, knowing only his grandma could force him to do things he normally would never care to do.
He nods. “She wants to parade me to her circle of friends in hopes of getting me to settle down with one of their nieces.”
At this, Y/n makes a sound resembling the lovechild of a snort and a snicker.  
“Good luck to her.”
Only a few moments pass after which Rin turns to her with an expression bordering on… pleading? He reaches for her and sinks his fingers into her frizzy mane (the cold isn’t doing her any favors). The sensation of ice-cold fingers gently pressing into her scalp has her almost wanting to lean into his touch and trying to escape the soothing contact in equal measure.
When his words reach her ear, they sound just as pleading and annoyed as his bearing appears. “Can you do me a favor?”
Y/n’s eyebrows join in confusion.
“What kind?” She inquires.
Before every uncomfortable revelation, comes the comical pause.
“Come with me and pretend we’re dating so I can get my grandma and those hags off my back.”
Seeing as he has, for years, pretended to be her “boyfriend” during gatherings, his shouldn’t come as a surprise to her. Yet, she sits there, stunned and rooted to the spot. Even she can understand that what he’s asking of her is vastly different from pulling pranks or joking around. His grandma is not one of the douchebags at random parties or the waiters they lie to in order to get free couples’ desert. If he takes this thing a step further, it would be as if they are truly together. It wouldn’t matter that they knew the truth, because the person who raised him would be living in a separate reality.
She racks her brains for a satisfying response. All the while, Rin’s eyes roam her face in search of a definite answer.
“I think you’d have better chances convincing her you’re dating someone else.” Is what she settles for.
Exhausted, Rin presses on, “Because the people I’m fucking definitely wouldn’t start deluding themselves.”
For some reason, Y/n finds his exasperation funny.
“No, I just think they’re better actors.” She says, pausing for effect and watching as his curious gaze sweeps over her, “Seeing how they have to fake their orgasms nightly.”
Just as she predicted he would, Rin scoffs and laughs it off, letting go of her. On the other hand, Y/n is overcome by the desire to indulge him, to make good on her promise to him and herself; no more outside looking in. This is so far out of her comfort zone that nausea builds up in her throat at the mere thought of him being seen with someone like her. Because what if an acquaintance of hers spotted them roaming the streets? What would they say of Rin? Would they embarrass her in public, thus humiliating him? Suddenly, the cruelty of the cold seems unbearable. Around her legs, her arms tighten.  
“I don’t mind coming with you if you don’t.”
Her answer lightens the mood. A tilt of his lips is more than enough to light up his entire face. Contentment bleeds through his glittering irises. Y/n wishes for nothing more than to chase the sparkles in his eyes like fireflies, and she is given the chance to do just that when his fingers find shelter in her hair once more, pulling her ever so close.
Face less than three inches from hers, he whispers teasingly, “My favorite person.”
If she had any inkling of the ferity of his thoughts, she might be able to understand that the atmosphere is that of sexual tension. But she’s neither high, nor drunk, so this state of sobriety renders her incapable of playfulness of that degree. This and the fact that she doesn’t believe he would flirt with her with the intent to seduce her. It’s just to tease her, she convinces herself.
That’s why, when another gust of wind depletes the last remnants of warmth, Y/n finds herself rolling her eyes.
“Your favorite person is about to freeze to death.” She mutters, burying her face further into her knees.
His grip on the roots of her hair tightens for an instant before he lets go. “Better take you home then.”
And all of a sudden, she’s being hauled to her feet by two strong arms, and the hood of her padded jacket is thrown over her head. Feeling stupid for having forgotten to cover her head, she instantly buttons up the front, securing the hood so the wind can’t knock it back. Of course, Rin gives her small teasing smile, joining her in their journey up the hill.
“Yeah, before Ayame and Haru come back.” She mutters, hoping Rin won’t hear.
“I’m taking you to mine, baby.”
Her head snaps up at him. He merely takes her hand in his and begins walking faster to work up their muscles and generate warmth. Lord knows why he even brought her here. Rin himself is at a loss for how fucking stupid he can be to be honest. If she gets sick, he’s bringing her to his dorm and feeding her shrimp pizza to make up for it. Opportunistic and proud.
“We gotta rehearse all the possible scenarios my grandma could hit us with.” He can tell they’re close to the top by the sound of a car whooshing by. She tries to keep up but slips more than once, and each time he helps her back on her feet. “Let’s hope we don’t slip up in front of her.”
  December 20th
It should be noted that… Rin doesn’t like going home. By home I mean the place where he was raised by his grandma. All she does is pester him, smother him, and tell him he should settle down now that he is an adult. Her views on what constitutes virtue, a noble way of life, and a decent human being differ from his. In the end, they quarrel. He goes to his childhood bedroom as she begs him to listen to her because she only wants what’s best for him. Rin always refuses.
Yet, there is only so much running he can do before he once again succumbs to his grandmother’s wishes and returns to the hearth. Every time, he has been alone, listening to the other hags badmouth him to his face with a smile as his grandma watches on, eyes cast down. This time, however, he has an ally, a ride-or-die whose presence will surely make them hold their tongues. After all, he’s now “taken”. They can no longer force him to date their granddaughters.
During the train ride, Rin is aware of her flitting, anxious gaze that settles on a random part of him before once again relocating. Her behavior reminds him of the mannerisms of a skittish animal in a small cage, fighting against the slim metal bars, forever distrustful of the human observing it, fearing that the next moment will bring a fate close to death but far crueler. And Y/n is nothing if not distrustful of everyone around her. The only things she doesn’t seem to regard with dread are natural phenomena. Cloistered inside her room beneath at least four layers of blankets, there is no storm so rancorous as to shake the foundations of her peace. Even now, she sits in front of him, her gaze at last settling on the hail laying waste to crops as the train flashes past them. The sky darkens, and the sweat on her forehead gradually evaporates. The storms ravage the fields, and her breathing slows to a rhythm as serene as Christmas lights turning on and off at a drowsy pace. Without Rin noticing, his chest mimics hers.
They’re hauling their luggage out of the train when Rin decides to make a promise wholly unusual of him.
“One of these days I’ll take you dancing in a snowstorm.”
Fixing her scarf so it covers her pink nose, Y/n says, “Is that a threat or a promise?”
“I’ll make you dance until you fall.”
He takes hold of her suitcase before she has a chance to protest and leads them both away from the tracks and to where taxi drivers have parked in search of potential passengers. The trip is long enough to allow them some time to take in the sight of the buildings, the frozen buckets filled with water that has frozen entirely, people scurrying to find shelter in cafes and convenience stores… until the sky runs out of rain so that snow can pelt the streets again. Nothing impresses Rin (he grew up here anyway). What eats away at him is the possibility that Y/n might not like his childhood home, however slight it may be. To cope with these thoughts, he takes to scrolling on his phone before his eyes shift to where she sits with her head angled toward the glass, gloved fingertips trapped between her lips. A picture wouldn’t hurt, right? Not if she’s in the dark about it.
His childhood home is by no means small. In fact, his grandmother was so successful as a sex worker back in the day that she was able to purchase a home that could comfortably house four people. As a child, Rin had always found it odd that there were so many rooms when relatives rarely visited and never stayed the night. The two of them were, for lack of better circumstances, alone in the world. Now he understood, as best as he could, that there had always burned an inextinguishable yearning for a family within his grandmother. His mother and the rest had always looked the other way and let it burn alone. Rin was the only one who stood before it, soaking up its warmth.
So why is his voice nearly trembling as he wraps his arms around his grandmother’s shoulders? Why is he shivering inside a home so warm?
“How have you been?” He asks her, not having the courage to pull away from someone who is overjoyed to see him after months of being absent from home. So, he lets himself float in this uncertainty, glancing at Y/n. Their eyes meet. “You’re not overworking yourself, are you?”
His grandmother pulls away first. Her smile lines deepen as she cradles his face in her callused palms.
“I’m better now that you’re here,” She tells him and he could swear she sounds out of breath, “And that you’ve brought your girlfriend with you.”
To be clear, the entire world and their mothers know that Rin is not a shy person. Truth be told he’s perplexingly blunt and unapologetic about plenty of things. However, having a girlfriend and Y/n being that supposed girlfriend is nothing short of uncharted territory, especially when being labeled as such by someone other than the two of them. This is part of the reason why he is momentarily stunned upon hearing those words mentioned in the same sentence.
Shaking it off with a slight smile, Rin places his palm on his grandma’s shoulder.
“Grandma, this is L/n Y/n.” He introduces, watching the glint of contentment come back to life in the old woman’s eyes, “Y/n, grandma.”
Y/n gives a 90-degree bow. “It is a pleasure to meet you.”
This time, his grandmother’s teeth can be seen as she finds it impossible to suppress a grin. Y/n takes the time to study her features. She can’t help but compare them to Rin’s. Kobayashi Tadame and Suna Rintaro, she determines look nothing alike. His features are angular whereas hers are round, be it their eyes or their cheekbones. His eyes are green while hers are brown like tree bark. His lips are full with a slight sharpness to the cupid bow and hers are small and pouty. He has to lean down to hug her for she is shorter even than Y/n. Where he is slightly unruly and direct, she is all ironed shirts and propriety. Overall, there isn’t much likeness to be found between Rin and his grandmother.
“The pleasure is all mine. You look lovely, dear.” The grandmother turns to Rin as if to help him remember what he could never forget, “She is lovely.”  
The compliment is received with a whispered gratitude on Y/n’s end. “Thank you, grandma.”
“Come on, the living room is warm. I got it all ready for you.”
Without further ado, his grandmother starts ushering them forward, the suitcases rattling from behind as they speed walk down the corridor. On the walls hang pictures of his grandmother and him throughout the years; the first time he ate cotton candy after his mother passed away, that one time he made a snowman out of dough, his first volleyball match, him and his teammates the night before they all set off to college, and so on. Y/n takes it in like wine, already drunk on the evidence of his experiences. One could say she perceives the world through the memorabilia of other people’s lives.
She is pulled back to the present when Rin points out the kotatsu in the living room, all but running toward it to sneak under it like a toddler being left off the parental leash at a playground. To Y/n’s surprise, grandma gently guides her to where Rin is currently lying on his back, scrolling through his phone. Unbeknownst to her or his grandma, he’s hyperaware of every bit of interaction between the two and is willingly excluding himself from the narrative. If he intervenes, he fears it will only be for the worse.
“My grandson has come home with the girl he loves.” His grandmother says, now making her way to the kitchen, “I want you to be warm and comfortable.”
Once the elderly woman has disappeared behind the curtain that separates the two rooms, Y/n occupies the space in the kotatsu next to Rin who puts his phone down and speaks in a low voice.
“I guarantee she’s made shrimp pizza from scratch.”  
Curious, she turns to look at him, “Why?”
Rin shrugs. “Because I told her that’s your favorite. Look.”
As if on cue, grandma pushes aside the curtain and enters the living room carrying two plates of steaming slices of godliness.
“She’s hell-bent on making you stay.” He elbows her on the arm. “You can’t leave me now that you’re being spoiled rotten by my granny.”
“Watch me.”
“Uhuh. Gonna give you a head start.”
After placing both plates on the table along with the two cans of coke, grandma relishes the two of them as they dig in.
“Here, are you two warm?” The kind woman asks, “Do you need me to bring you some more tea?”
The two of them shake their heads.
If you wish to know, I could tell you what is running through her mind at present. How could she be thinking about anything other than the fact that her grandson has finally found someone to care for in the way she wishes she had been cared for in her youth? Both the boy and the girl are deserving of these slivers of joy that companionship can grant them, far and few between though they may be. She can see it… the slivers coming to life as they trade slices, shoving them into their mouths, licking their fingers one second, and snickering about it the next. The moment turns turbulent when a knock comes at the door.
Their mirth dies down as the rapping of the knuckles at the door becomes more insistent. Rin looks at his grandma, trying to glean a response from his grandma. In turn, she avoids his gaze as if meeting it would brand the truth on her eyelids.
“That’ll be Mrs. Nakamura and Mrs. Fujimoto.” She mutters instead, wiping her hands on the midnight blue apron. “They insisted to know when you were coming. I will go let them in.”
She’s barely out of the living room when Y/n hears Rin groan exasperatedly.
“Fuck!” He curses under his breath.
Before she can ask him if these guests are the ones who insult him every time he comes home, she gets her answer as Rin takes to just punching random apps on his phone the moment the two women peek inside. Like most old women middle-aged women do when presented with fresh meat whose insecurities they can identify and exploit, these women are not even two introductions in, when they do what they do best.  
“She’s so petite.” Mrs. Fujimoto, a woman of stout build, chortles as she takes a seat next to Y/n. “Are you sure you can handle him?”
Frowning at the woman, Y/n shifts closer to Rin.
“Handle him?” She asks, conscious that her thigh is pressing against his.
“Oh, you know,” Laughs Mrs. Nakamura, waving her confusion off as something negligible. “When he gets angry at you, can you hit him back?”
No, I can’t. That is the first thing that pops into her head, her involuntary response. Ashamed that she would think to respond with that, she looks everywhere but Rin, whose gaze is trained on her side profile. It is as if he’s waiting for her to speak, to defend him, to make good on her promise. Yet her lips are sealed and her throat is clogged as if with blocks of cement. Now aware of the situation, Rin takes matters into his own hands.
“What kind of person do you think I am?”
Mrs. Nakamura’s eyes narrow with feigned mirth.
“Oh, come on,” She “jests”, “You’re young and you’ve always been an impulsive boy. It’s only normal that you would get angry from time to time.”
As if the insinuation that Rin is abusive wasn’t cruel enough, Mrs. Fujimoto picks up where her friend left off.
“My granddaughter is still heartbroken, you little rascal.” She says with just as much forced amusement, laughing as she reaches out to “playfully” smack Rin on the arm.
Finding her touch repulsive, he instinctively retracts his arm and hides it under the kotatsu, where he tries to erase her touch with the scrape of his nails. I shouldn’t have trimmed them, he thinks.
“What does that have anything to do with this?” He groans, “I never hit her.”
Mrs. Fujimoto doesn’t take kindly to being defied, “Do not-
“Rin doesn’t get angry at me.”
The words have passed the threshold of her lips before Y/n can think to stop them. She can feel Rin ceasing to rub his arm raw beneath the thick blanket, his gaze trailing up to her face once more. For the first time, she’s glad for the stubbornness of her thoughts.
“He asks how I’m doing even when I want to be alone, hugs me even if I can’t always do the same.” The more she speaks, the bolder she feels, “Only people who don’t understand him would assume he’s a violent person.”
A tense sort of silence settles in the living room. Each second is viscous, stretchy, refusing to fall down or clatter by all at once. The five of them are submerged in a substance akin to amber, preventing them from forging ahead, preserving the audacity of her words in their original state. Yet for her words to fossilize, they must first die in their ears.
“How rude.” Scoffs Mrs. Nakamura, her face turned up in distaste.
Before Y/n can say anything to make things escalate, Rin gently takes hold of her hand.
“Let’s go upstairs, angel.” He says, helping her to her feet.
So, they leave the two women to their incessant, ill-intended murmuring, as the desperate calls of Rin’s grandmother follow them up to his bedroom. He can only sigh, ashamed that Y/n had to witness all that, had to become part of the schemes of bored middle-aged women so dissatisfied with the life they have made for themselves (or the lack of it) that the most interesting topic they can bring up is the sex life of a soon-to-be nineteen-year-old. Truly, he wishes he could dig a grave and lie there naked in the snow, eaten raw by the winter storm.
The key is turned. Stars spill into the hallway from the aperture in the door before it opens wide and everything inside is awash in starlight. Inside they go and the door clicks shut behind them, dulling the sound of conversation in the living room downstairs. Mouth open in awe, Y/n gazes up at the ceiling, engraving the sight of fluorescent galaxies in her brain⸺ magenta, aquamarine, bottle green, silver, sapphire, neon pink, and baby blue. She swears she can feel the breath of the universe on her cheeks, the fog, and the clarity of it surrounding her. Her eyes swim in it.  
She thinks about how Rin must have stayed awake as a child to look at them. Ensorcelled by them. He must have been so adorable.
“Did you or your grandma paint this?” She says, her eyes glued to the ceiling.
“I did. First year in high school.” Answers Rin, who fishes his phone out of the pocket of his padded coat and places discards it on the bed. “Before there were only stars up there. The kind you see in cartoons. The moon was in the center.” Only when his finger comes into view, pointing up at the center of the ceiling, does Y/n notice him standing next to her. “Right there.”
As difficult as it is to tear her gaze from the work of art, she does so in favor of rendering her words as sincerely as possible.
“It’s ethereal.” She tells him.
In turn, Rin regards her with a look of bewilderment and amusement.
“That look.” He begins, hand tenderly resting on her shoulder as he leans down to her eye level, “It’s just like the first time I saw you.”
She can’t know in great detail how it felt for him to catch sight of her for the very first time. She’d been sitting on the front steps of her aunt’s house, scratching her ankle from time to time after a mosquito had bitten her. Summer shit. And he was looking from his cousin’s balcony, thinking that she looked high enough to invite a stranger into her home and stare at them until they confessed to having committed war crimes. To this day he doesn’t know how he was able to perceive her as anything but a Roblox character with him having just woken up from an afternoon nap. But he’d known then, that her eyes were piercing, scrutinizing, and so soft. Upon meeting her he’d decided that her lips must feel as soft as her eyes looked.
Even now, as she returns his gaze and cracks a small smile, he is glad to be proven right once again.  
“Leaving my mark on the world I see.” She jokes, moving toward the bed.
He follows right after, taking his shirt off. “And you weren’t even high.”
“Achievement unlocked.” She pulls the sweater over her head, giggling.
After changing into their pajamas which for Y/n involved more than simply putting their clothes on, meaning that skincare was mandatory and an absolute non-negotiable, they both sneak beneath the sheets. Instantly, Rin is the first to get close enough that Y/n can count the fleck of stardust in his eyes. Rin can tell… he can tell she wants to hold his face in her hands, more so because her hands twitch where she rests them on the pillowed space between them. Consequently, he decides to be the one to, once again, put himself forward like a sacrificial offering to an entity of unpredictable disposition.
“I think…” He whispers, resting his forehead against hers, “I think I would’ve been much happier had I brought you here sooner.”
A beat later she whispers back, her voice rife with nervousness, “Why?”
Her mint breath fans his lips and it makes him smile.
“We would have been able to do this every weekend if we’d lived in the same neighborhood.” Feeling more audacious than usual, he angles his face so that she can feel him too, “Even if your parents didn’t let you.”
Bold of you to assume they would notice I was gone. “You would’ve let me steal into your bedroom?”
Rin hums in affirmation, “And my bed.”
The way that line is delivered, teasingly and humorously, would have made anyone laugh. But Suna Rintaro is in no way joking. So, it is at once relieving and disappointing when he feels her breath on his parted lips and her precious giggle in his ears once more.
“You know?”
Her voice has his eyes fluttering open. Rin doesn’t have to try his hardest to look into her eyes. That soft, intrusive gaze is all that is required to transfix him.
The boy manages to get two words out, “Know what?”
“Your eyes sparkle.” She doesn’t miss a beat, “Like there’s this type of glitter in your irises. It makes your eyes look even prettier.”
This isn’t the first time Rin is complimented about his eyes and it won’t be the last. But he wants to hear it more. Wants her to look into him and gather all the glitters she sees in his eyes so that he can be as much in awe of them as she is. He wants that glitter scattered on her eyelids. He wants it painted on her lips. To help her understand, he takes her hand and rests the thumb on the corner of his eye. As if pulled by some gravitational force greater than that of Earth, his eyelids droop until he can see nothing and feel everything. The coldness of her skin. The light scrape of her nails as she runs her fingers across the lid and then his lower lashes. Her breathing as it slows down so it matches his.
 The following day, December 21st, they do nothing of importance except for helping Grandma around the house (things are still a bit awkward after the mishap of the night before but she always smiles at them) and run errands here and there. Other than that, the two of them spend their day lying on his bed wearing pajamas, scrolling through Pinterest for aesthetic pictures, listening to Lana Del Rey and The Weeknd, and watching movies on his laptop, namely the Avatar movies. It’s not like they haven’t watched the first Avatar movie before but it’s just one of those movies you don’t tire of revisiting time and time again.
Outside, it is dark when Rin drops an enlightening thought.
“Imagine if humans could do that too.” He says, pointing at Jake and Neytiri connecting through their hair, “Orgasms everywhere.”
Y/n nods, “Especially on all fours.”
Rin doesn’t let that shit go until they both fall asleep, his chest pressed against her back. Being her friend, he can’t help but want to be near her always, stuck to her skin like hardened wax. Isn’t it convenient that it’s December? Now he can sling his arm across her middle as they drift off, which she doesn’t seem to mind given that her fingertips lazily dance across his knuckles. Then they rest.
 It's December 22nd and they’re headed to Miya Osamu’s restaurant just 30 minutes on foot. Both of them are in their padded coats (since the other kinds just won’t cut it if the snow painting the sidewalks white is to be used as a criterion for judgment), thick scarves, and gloves so thick that neither of them can feel their fingers. Both of them are also lost because Rin claims to never have been to this part of the town.
“Are you sure you know the way?” Y/n asks for the seventh time (I’ve counted).
Rin groans and tries to figure out the bullshit on the screenshot of google maps he took prior to leaving the house.
“Cut me some slack.” The picture refuses to be zoomed in as he is wearing gloves. The snow isn’t helping either. “This is my first time visiting his place.”
Y/n mirrors his groan. “Well, now I’m embarrassed for both of us.”
“This isn’t a doctor’s appointment.” He peels off his right glove and wipes the screen on the inside of his pocket. “He isn’t expecting us to be there by 6 PM sharp.”
“But what if he’s upset because we ruined his schedule?”
Rin raises an eyebrow at her. “He isn’t like you.”
Scoffing, Y/n adjusts the scarf so that not even a quarter of an inch is exposed to the cold.
“I expect nothing less from an Aquarius headass.” She mumbles.
Confident that he finally got it right, Rin puts his glove back on and then grabs her by the shoulders, spinning her so they’re both facing the road.
“It’s right across the park after that condo building.” His mouth is right at her ear, “Do all of you Cancers mumble what you want to say or is it just you?”
“Shut up, what would you know about astrology?”
“Just your entire birth chart.” He shrugs. “Cancer sun, Virgo rising, Aquarius moon, Cancer venus, Virgo mercury, Cancer mars. That cancer stellium in 11th house isn’t doing you any favors.”
Y/n skids to a halt. “Stellium? What? How and when did you learn all this?”
“Heard Atsumu’s girlfriend talking about astrology while they were eating the ice cream I bought. So, I asked her to explain the fuck she was talking about in exchange for eating my food.” To piss her off, Rin links their arms as he whispers the following, “That’s how I learned why you’re the way you are.”
Scoffing, Y/n makes to kick him in the shin but he skillfully avoids her boot. “Shut up with your Aquarius sun, Scorpio rising, Aries moon, Capricorn mercury, Pisces venus, Aquarius mars ass.”
By the time they reach their destination, snow lays thick on their shoulders (they should’ve just taken a taxi or something, but Rin wanted to show her around while he could.). They dust the frost off their padded coats before they step inside the brightly lit restaurant so that it doesn’t thaw on the fabric, resulting in them reeking of wet dogs. Once inside, the warmth of the sizeable fireplace at the center hits them like a heatwave in July. Their nostrils fill with the smell of delightful food.
One of the waitresses leads them both to their reserved table, which stands by the window, neither too close nor too far from the entrance yet close to the fireplace. Osamu promised to book them the best seat there was and he delivered.
After shrugging off their coats and unwrapping their scarves, the two of them try to make boats out of tissue paper until Osamu joins them at the table. They take turns doing so, both failing equally miserably. The paper just won’t hold. It tears at the edges and then the fissures reach the heart of it. It frustrates them to the point that they just tear it in half.
At that moment, a voice can be heard that unshackles them from this annoyance.
“You look fried, Rin.”
His height is the first thing Y/n notices about the boy. He is almost as tall as Rin, with bleached hair dyed grey and an undercut that would look very Karen on someone whose head isn’t shaped like his. Unlike Rin’s, his arms are not inked with designs of any kind, at least none that she can see with how little upward he has rolled the sleeves of his black uniform. Most importantly… his eyes are equal parts tired and soft as he stares at Rin.
“Good evening to your greasy ass too.” Shoots Rin and the other boy pulls him into a hug.
And then… it’s her turn to greet and be greeted. It is her turn to be scrutinized and have her appearance and mannerisms dissected by this stranger, one of Rin’s closest friends and former teammate.
“Is this her?” He asks, bowing.
His voice is even; as if any and all personal judgment has been ironed out.
“L/n Y/n. Pleased to meet you.” She bows and then, as she and Rin sit back down and Osamu occupies the seat opposite them, she gestures at their surroundings. “I like your restaurant.”
He seems glad to hear that. Who wouldn’t be, really?
“What do you like most about it?”  Osamu asks, crossing his arms as he leans forward.
Y/n swipes her finger on the table. “Great hygiene and the whole place smells great.”
Osamu thanks her and they get to talking about random things. They’re in a world of their own and she’s locked out with no way of understanding its rules and inside jokes. Seeing as it is useless to understand anything at the speed that the conversation is flowing, Y/n takes to studying her surroundings; the light goldenrod yellow walls, the snow piling up on the sill outside, and the pictures on the wall. The subject of one of them is the Inarizaki High volleyball team.  
“Guess he’s always looked like Barry the bee.” She mutters. “Look at that smug asshole smile.”
Y/n doesn’t exactly try to hide the fact that she’s talking about his brother but she hadn’t thought his twin would actually catch her calling him Barry the bee, seeing as how he’d been so immersed in his conversation with Rin. So, it’s a bit of an amusing predicament when he turns to her, tilting his head. Well… amusing for them because for her she’s sifting through the million anxiety-born scenarios in order to choose the least devastating. What if he's upset? She had meant for it to be a joke gone unnoticed but what if?
“How do you know my dick of a twin?” Asks Osamu.
Somewhat relieved, Y/n straightens up but it’s Rin who speaks first.
“I lost a bet to him once,” He throws his arm around her shoulders and rests his head on hers for a second, “And he used my phone for an entire day.”
Staring blankly at Rin, the boy speaks in a low voice, “Don’t tell me he called her.”
“Rin knows I don’t like surprise phone calls,” Y/n says, glancing at Rin’s hand, fingers tracing lazy circles on her collarbone. “His name popping up on my phone screen at 9 PM was a clear indication that something was up.”
“Basically, he video-called her to mess with me. The entire time I thought he was just downloading porn to piss me off.”
“Instead, he kept pestering me until I stopped declining his calls.”
The state of the boy sitting opposite them is a curious blend of shame and being entirely unfazed. In every timeline, being born as Atsumu’s twin came with built-in emotional stamina, patience, and preparation for the unexpected. A full-time job really. Yet at last, Osamu lets out a sigh of exasperation, sweeping a hand over his face.
“So fucking embarrassing.” He drones, then casts her a glance, “Did he do anything inappropriate?”
“Honestly, I thought he would at first.” She nods, the weight of anxious thoughts now shaken off her shoulders. “But he was just asking for tips on how to talk to this extremely shy girl and telling me embarrassing stories about Rin.”
“Apologies for not boiling him like the egg that he is while I had the chance.”
Y/n shakes her head. “No, he was really nice when I visited.”
Osamu regards her with what can only be identified as doubt.
“Really?” The word ends more like a statement than a question.
“Even ordered food for us all. Besides,” Her fingers drift to Rin’s, the soft flesh of the tips pressing against his. “If it hadn’t been for Atsumu calling then I would never have learned that he dared Rin to wear his cumrag shirt or answer with truth.”
A grimace passes over Osamu’s face at the memory of that party and the events that preceded it. Rin removes his arm from around her shoulders and brings it to her lap, fingers laced with hers.
“Go big or go home,” he says proudly.  
Osamu doesn’t miss a beat, “Should’ve gone home.”
“And be grilled about my whorish ways by my grandma? No, thanks. Cumrag it is.”
While Rin has taken to idly caressing her thumb with his, Osamu takes a few moments to study the boy’s demeanor; how he seems most in his element around her, shoulders brushing, a hint of mischief glazed over his yellow-green eyes to mask the longing.
“Well,” Osamu starts, recapturing their attention, “At least now she has no reason to cross-examine you.”
  They’re walking side by side, hands in their pockets and scarves around their neck, when his voice comes out in puffs of steam, all the more visible as they leave one of the many lampposts behind.
“Why are people obsessed with the idea of setting people up with other people?”
The question has Y/n coming to a halt, only for a moment, then catches up to him before Rin can notice. She doesn’t know he already has.
“Beats me.” She shrugs. “Maybe influence. Power.” A car speeds by, then silence settles once more. Until she adds, “The satisfaction at seeing someone you love fall in love as well.”
Maybe it’s that they’re spent from all the talking they did back at the restaurant, engaging with Osamu in the most ludicrous debates over trivial matters from the past and the present. It could also be that the quiet of this area feels too innocent to pollute with nonsensical talk. Maybe they’re afraid words could poison whatever they cherish. No matter the reasons, the fact remains that they walk side by side, arms brushing, snow crunching under their footwear, and the biting wind mocking their attempts to warm their own breaths underneath the scarves.
Yet the words striving to be heard challenge the silence, and win.
“There’s something elusive about it,” Y/n says, just loud enough to be heard.
Rin turns his head to look at her. “About what?”
She expertly dodges his gaze, staring ahead into the traffic lights as they switch to green.
“The fascination with love.” Y/n breathes.
Well… he didn’t expect that from her. And he didn’t expect or appreciate himself feeling green with envy at the thought of him not being even a small part of the image at the front of her mind right now. Because, to his knowledge, there is only one person she’s had romantic feelings for, and that person is vile vermin that she never speaks of. He’s in the past. Rin is here, beside her. Still, he feels the need to vomit the words that have the contents of his stomach turning to poison.
“Didn’t you have feelings for that guy in high school?”
They cross the road.
“My personal sentiments seem… impersonal to me now.” She confesses, shutting her eyes for a second. “It wasn’t me. I must have imagined it for sure.”
“Imagined it?”
“Yeah, you know,” Y/n removes her hands from her pockets to paint some abstract concept in the air, “Hallucinations.”
She can’t see his lips curve upwards in that distinct smile of mischief he always uses to playfully taunt her with, but the round curvature of his cheekbones, as they peek above the scarf, tells her that he, at the very least, finds the conversation slightly amusing. The truth is… she doesn’t know whether to feel relieved or disheartened.
“Y/n I’m like 98 percent sure you aren’t doping up on psychedelics and shit.”
“And…” She wavers, eyes flitting between him and the pavement beneath their feet, “The other 2 percent?”
“That’s where this convo is headed.”
Well… that’s it, isn’t it? Every bit of her is like injecting drugs straight into your vein. An ephemeral, translucent, gossamer-like being, woven from ghosts and wraiths, she never feels real. Her words are odd. Each utterance is made obsolete by the sole fact that it is her lungs breathing life into them. Even Rin thinks so, doesn’t he? He cannot believe that she of all people would speak of love. Remember, this is all in her head.
“Yeah, it’s getting weird,” she mumbles, staring straight ahead.
For his part, Rin doesn’t think it’s odd that she’s speaking of love. Surprising? Without a doubt. But there is no way she could ever speak of love and sound like anything other than the flesh in which it resides. And he can feel it in the deepest layers of his skin, goosebumps beneath the padded coat, in his chest as it is weighed down by the regret at his choice of words, and in the way he has to swallow that same regret.
“Did he fuck around?” This is what he asks instead.
It’s almost comical how she almost breaks her neck to look him in the eye. He doesn’t break eye contact, and neither does she. Slowly, she nods.
“Was he any good?”
This time looking down, she nods again.
Sighing, Rin mutters, “He’s just like me for real.”
Y/n side-eyes him until neither of them can suppress the mirth. Eventually, the laughter dies down and they settle back into the quiet as they wait for the light to turn green.
“My bedroom and his were… they were separated by a wall.” Y/n can feel his gaze boring into her, “So, I could hear them going at it. Free lessons really.”
Rin’s eyes go wide. Then, gradually, they soften upon witnessing the emptiness in hers, how the blankness of her expression is betrayed only by the involuntary fluttering of her eyelashes as if she can bear neither the present nor the past. Having a mind of their own, his hands reach for hers. Slowly, he shelters them in his pocket.
But Rin, being too inquisitive and possessing little tact at the moment, inquires the following:
“Between him and I, who do you think is the best?”
Scoffing, Y/n makes to untangle herself from Rin but his fingers become a gauntlet around hers. She can only groan and submit.
“Well,” She begins, “It’s not like I know what it’s like to be fucked by either of you to be able to compare.”
That can be fixed, is his knee-jerk impulsive thought. If he were anyone else, Rin would lower his head in shame at the filth that infests his every imagined scenario involving her and him, especially at a time such as this, when she’s stripping layer after layer of vulnerability. But he’s the same boy he was at the age of 15; clueless as to how to connect with people in a way that isn’t carnal, careless, and crude in the way friends ought not to be. He has to justify the epithets he’s given, doesn’t he?
Wasn’t he being irrationally jealous some minutes ago? What was it that triggered his sexual urges out of nowhere? The boy can only look at her with slightly narrowed eyes as her lips start to move once again.
“But you’re not like him.” Her voice is soft. “You’re the sort of person who is pleasant to be around. It’s subtle. Understated. Like, if I were to compare… I’d say you’re like this intoxicating scent that you eventually get used to. Like when you enter the room, you know it’s safe to be there, to close your eyes, or to just exist.” She pauses and inhales deeply before continuing, “What he has is overwhelming charisma. He is the leader of his friend group. People flock to him, listen to him, believe in him… trust him. His every word is received wholeheartedly.”
She doesn’t need to keep going, firing arrow after arrow, but she does. Rin listens.
“He inspires devotion.” Each word is a letter of resignation.
Pulling up his scarf to hide the blush dusting his cheeks, he swallows his pride.
“This entire time you’ve been talking like he still is all those things,” Rin points out.
“Because I’m certain it’s true still.”
It’s the immediacy of her response that shuts him up. Rin has never dreamed of being someone else as much as he does right now. It’s like her portrait of him has been washed out by the corrosive agent that is her description of a man that Rin doesn’t know yet loathes.
“Your charm is just as powerful.” She continues, fingers tightening around Rin’s. “True, people don’t bully certain people just because you harbor some sort of dislike for them. But they can rest assured that you won’t lead them astray. You put others at ease without realizing it. Like, if you asked me to play truth or dare, I’d probably say yes because I know you wouldn’t cross the line.”
Rin can’t help the lazy smile that takes over.
“Probably?” He teases.
“Who knows? Might make me make out with the toilet seat.” She answers honestly and Rin laughs because he knows it’s true. “Point is, you don’t weaponize your presence to hurt.”
Y/n gives him a small smile and then checks both sides of the street.
“You’re a good person when you’re not breaking hearts.” She jokes, intending for him to hear.
He laughs but it’s the kind of laugh that only serves to distract oneself from their most urgent thoughts and desires. Right now, Rin doesn’t care about the rumors, malicious remarks, or the hearts broken over the years. His only concern lay with how to best help her understand his gratitude towards her. How does he let her know she’s the first to have an understanding of him that exceeds his sexual escapades or smoking? How does he make her understand he feels the most cared for when in her presence?
“Y/n?”
Rin’s voice has always had that drowsy quality to it, like waking up from a nap on a Sunday evening, and it still is. Even if he swiftly pulls her toward the other side of the road without elaborating any further.
She can’t help looking up at him as he lowers his scarf.
“Yeah?” The scarf muffles the word.
His free hand finds itself on her cheek, slowly pulling down the worn fabric to reveal rosy cheeks. A bit lower and her upper lip peeks above the piece of cloth. As he contemplates whether to succumb to this gnawing need, his focus flits between her curious gaze and her lips. In the end, he decides to play it safe, convincing himself that this is a step forward.
The boy presses his lips against her cheek. It burns… having her so close, having his lips touching a part of her. It’s not the first time. He’s pecked her cheeks time and time again, be it under the effect of alcohol or drugs, sober, or hungover (when he wants no one to as much as breathe within a square kilometer as him). He’s held back for so long. So why does it hurt so bad trying to keep his lips from straying?
“For defending me.” He clarifies, still struggling not to kiss her very breaths, “I owe you one.”
What Rin doesn’t know is that her cheek burns too.
  December 27th
There is nothing quite like academic validation. Because when it’s all said and done, the numbers will be there to remind you that this is how much you’re worth, whether you deserve to eat and enjoy that movie, whether you deserve to step out into the balcony and just breathe in the chilly 3:00 AM air and the view of the bustling city. All of it is determined by how well you do in your classes, and how pleasing your opinions are to people whose words matter infinitely more than yours.
So why not be worthy of those numbers and wear them like a badge of honor? Why not toil away when others are putting their plates away? Why see yourself as remotely human, as if you have any right? How could Y/n give a second thought to the rumbling of her stomach when the buzzing doom in her head kept vibrating in all the wrong crevices of her mind?
“Hey.”
Being the narrator, I hear it. Not Y/n, though. Speaking to her right now is no different from trying to converse with an animated corpse in a tomb; the soil and the casket tune everything out.
Just as Chiharu is about to change her mind, her friend’s stomach decides to summon fire from the pit. Of course, Y/n still doesn’t notice she needs sustenance. Now Chiharu knows what to do in order to get the girl’s attention without having her draw further into her shell; dinner. It’s about 9 PM but it will be a welcome change of pace for both. Chiharu buys herself some more time to think and Y/n gets to eat something she didn’t “waste” time making.
Setting the plate beside the laptop, Chiharu tries again.
“Hey,” she says.
This grabs Y/n’s attention, who almost recoils at the sight of the sandwich, Caesar salad, and the girl hovering above her.
Removing her headphones, she responds, “Sup.”
In a room as devoid of lighting as Y/n’s bedroom, the only way for Chiharu to see is to squint. But she’s not about to do all that. Instead, she switches on the light.
“I know you don’t like wasting time so I’ll just cut to the chase.” She takes a deep breath, “Come to the New Year’s Eve party.”
Fingers tensing on the keyboard, Y/n answers, “Don’t know if I can make it.”
“We don’t have classes ‘till January and I know you took extra shifts before winter break started to make up for the hours.”
“Yeah, but-
“Ayame feels really bad, you know?”
And Y/n feels like painting her sight black and flattening the sounds that Chiharu is producing. The thought of someone feeling any manner of discomfort, anything remotely negative because of her absence, is foreign, a cryptid. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t understand. Therefore, she is as much afraid as she is intrigued. Looking back at the screen, she absentmindedly types “a” after “a”.
“She can’t look you in the eye without feeling like bursting into tears.”
Well, that sounds familiar. It isn’t like Chiharu to guilt trip others into bending over backward to fulfill her wishes. However, the girl has known Kuroo for a long time. They’ve been at each other’s throats, tussling since they were toddlers barely on their feet, and adopted traits of each other over the years they have spent making fun of those same traits. Kuroo is a phenomenal guilt-tripper. Full stop. The worst part is that in most cases his way is the way that works best, even if he has to seek Y/n’s input beforehand.
“Is it guilt-tripping I detect?” She asks, already knowing the answer.
Chiharu smiles sheepishly.
“Maybe? Look,” She says, shaking her head, “I just think it would be a nice change of pace. Beneficial for everyone, not just me or Ayame or that obnoxious hellcat.”
Y/n’s fingers come to a halt, the cursor still pulsating on the screen.
“Who else is coming?” She inquires.
“Tooru gave a vague answer so I don’t know if he’s planning to join us.” Chiharu answers and Y/n hopes that the girl isn’t able to detect the small relief washing over her, “But Rin is and so is Kenma. Kenma, if you remember him, has been asking about you by the way. Haven’t you gotten his texts?”
Rolling her eyes, Y/n mutters, “You know I have. I just don’t know what to say.”
“Bingo!” Chiharu exclaims, “If you come with us, you’ll be halfway there. Once you see each other I’m sure conversation between you two will flow like period blood.”
That’s enough for one night, Y/n decides as she turns to properly face the verbal massacre on her screen. Chiharu’s similitude of choice was simply too out-of-pocket even for her.
“I’ll come if you promise never to use that comparison again,” she says.
“Great!” She can feel Chiharu raising a triumphant fist. “Finally, I did something right. Okay, so I’ll leave you be now. Night- night!”
Shutting the door behind her, Chiharu lets out a sigh of contentment. This might just be her greatest achievement of the year.
“Chiharu,” She whisper-yells to herself, a smile on her face, “You dumb fucking bitch. You made it.”
On the other side of the door, Y/n carefully picks up the sandwich. She brings it to her lips and the first bite tastes like food that is neither exquisite nor too bland, merely meant to stave off the hunger while not tasting horribly too much like hay. The second bite is a log in her throat, hard to swallow. The third tastes like ‘loss’.
“Mama, your belly is so pretty,” she says.
They’re sitting on the sofa in their old apartment, the fabric of the cover soft to the touch, like the fuzz of the peaches that her auntie has just sliced nicely and placed on a plate for them to enjoy. It’s summer but the evening is caressed by a beautiful breeze. The day is hot enough to remind everyone it’s still the hottest season of the year but not so much so that they have to wipe off their sweat every two minutes.
Her mom is near her, gently rubbing her belly and smiling down at it. Y/n thinks her mom is very beautiful. Her light brown eyes are always so much prettier when she smiles and sunlight adores her hair. How Y/n wishes she could be like her.
“It’s true, baby.” Her auntie lifts her up and sits Y/n down on her lap, “Mama is so pretty.”
Her mom laughs and kisses Y/n on the cheek. The little girl can’t help but giggle. Then her stomach rumbles; a noise that can’t go unheard in a house as quiet as theirs, especially with the TV turned off. Her mom and auntie look at one another before shrieking with laughter.
“Is my little girl hungry?” Her mom asks.
Y/n nods and quietly says, “Yes, mama.”
“Okay, sit here, baby. Auntie will make you a sandwich.”
Just as her aunt is about to lift Y/n off her lap, her mom gets up, one hand supporting her back and the other on her belly still drawing soothing circles.
“No, stay there.” She says, making her way to the kitchen. “You must be tired of cooking and cleaning since dawn.”
Her aunt sighs. “It’s nothing. You’re the one that’s pregnant.”
“That doesn’t mean I can’t make my little girl a sandwich, does it?”
While her mom prepares her sandwich, which will undoubtedly make her eat less at dinner, her auntie takes to tickle the life out of her. Tears pool in her eyes as she tries to wriggle out of the woman’s hold, giggling all the while. Then, finally managing to do so, she throws her arms around her auntie’s neck and asks for a piggyback around the living room. So, the woman does and Y/n feels safe and content at the speed at which her auntie is marching and with her head buried in the crook of the woman’s neck. She could just doze off.
“It’s readyyyyy!” Her mom calls as she walks out of the kitchen.
Instantly, Y/n asks to be let down (which her aunt doe) and dashes across the living room to where her mom is, wrapping her arms around her legs. She feels her mom’s hand rest atop her head as they both head toward the dining table. Y/n climbs on the chair, eager to taste the sandwich.
It has everything in it that she likes; ham, arugula, pesto sauce, peanut butter, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and walnuts. Her mouth is assaulted by the flavors all at once. Every bite is a bit of worldly joy reserved for her alone, even the crumbs. She listens to her mom and auntie talk about the dinner planned for tonight, one in celebration of her dad’s promotion at work. An invitation has been sent to her dad’s superior, who is also his friend.
There is too much happiness in her heart because everyone is happy and she’s just had her favorite meal. I guess the universe decided she’d had too much of it. A few months later, they were on their way to a different prefecture. And the fault, they had decided, was hers. No longer was the sandwich made for her. Her mom didn’t kiss her cheek, whether she was blissful or blue.
But years down the line she’d make this sandwich for her friends at her auntie’s house during summer break. For one month, she’d take a bite out of joy with them, have her fill then starve again.
Even now, with that awareness in mind, Y/n devours it all.
   December 31st, New Year’s Eve
Her eyes cannot stand the light that bleeds from the lampposts so she squints, hoping to catch a glimpse of Kuroo’s apartment. Chiharu and Ayame walk ahead of her, careful not to leave her too far behind. The elevator is filled with their giggles and the mirror is a movie. Y/n watches on with a smile as they tug on each other’s arms and reapply their lipstick. Then they’re out and walking towards Kuroo’s apartment (a penthouse really).
The door swings open and there stands the host in all his rabid glory. He pulls Ayame in for a kiss then wrestles Chiharu for a hug. At Godspeed, his eyes land on Y/n. A maniacal smile that would incense anyone that isn’t his friend grows on his face at the sight of her.
“Y/n!” He exclaims, crushing her in his embrace, “Where have you been loca? It’s been ages!”
Patting him on the back, she immediately starts to tease him.
“Do I discern the absence of a comb, Jacob?”
Kuroo kicks the door closed. “I am ever so poor, Y/n!”
“Positively destitute.” She shoots, rolling her eyes.
He laughs and leads the way to the living room.
“Without you around to bully me lovingly?” He whines theatrically, “Of course, I’ve been destitute! Forlorn even!”
He hugs her a bit tighter before finally letting her go.
“Kenma’s in his room.” He tells her. “The sly bastard promised he would join the party. I should have known his words were but sweet deceit.”
Y/n laughs softly at his words. She’s always loved Kuroo’s theatrics. He never means for his jokes or dramatic displays to be malicious. Though, he does lack the tact to say the right things on a day-to-day basis. Nevertheless, he always apologizes, practically begging on his knees for forgiveness. Kuroo is someone everyone needs in their life. Y/n realizes she wants to make him feel like a friend that she wants in her life. It’s time she stopped treating him like a stranger.
So, she keeps the conversation going. They talk about their health, studies, movies they’ve watched, and books they’ve read. They gossip about everything and everyone, laughing at each other’s jokes until Ayame joyfully pulls him away to dance. Y/n waves at them before heading toward Kenma’s ‘hideout’.
Rapping her fingers against the door, she waits for the sound of his voice. After the second time, she hears him yell ‘I’ll be there in a bit, Kuroo!’. She hasn’t been here in a while. The atmosphere is one she’s not used to and usually, it wouldn’t be something to shy away from. But it’s Kenma and everything about him used to be familiar, like every time they talked their planes of existence found a common solution.
Grabbing the door handle, she tries to silence all the chastising voices in her head. In his chair, Kenma remains unmoving, clicking away with his mouse. This leads her to believe that he’s still unaware that it’s her standing in his room, not Kuroo. Did they forget to tell him? Could it be that he’s purposefully acting like she’s not even here? Is she overstepping by entering? Has she ruined everything?
Then, something seems to snap in him. Maybe it’s the silence that follows the pattern of her footsteps as she halts in the center of the room. It might be the hope that she hasn’t flaked on her promise to show up for her friends. It could be the hope that his friend is finally back. Kenma spins in his chair and his eyes widen at the sight of her. Before she can even raise her hand in a greeting he springs from his seat and wraps his arms around her shoulders.
“Missed you.” He breathes.
Her chest feels heavy as if loaded with stones and there’s a noose around her neck as she says, “I missed you too.”
Somewhere between her being scared of being turned away and him lunging for her, the fear of rejection had turned into confusion. But it’s okay because as she and Kenma sit at one of his desks, what came seems like a foggy memory. The first thing he asks about is whether she’s okay, whatever that means. Y/n responds with a shrug and a ‘better’, recalling the past few weeks; her fight with Oikawa, her departure from his apartment, and the visit to Rin’s childhood home. She asks him the same question, which he answers with a slight smile and a ‘better now’. After that they talk about random things; the plant they ‘adopted’, how Kuroo keeps blasting phonk music through the speakers at 7 in the morning, how Chiharu talked to Kenma about wanting to make things right, and so on.
“How are things going with your company?” Y/n inquires while munching on a tangerine.
“Smoothly for now.” Kenma takes another tangerine from the bowl and peels it. “We’ve been developing this game but we can’t seem to get the designs right.”
“Can I take a look?”
“Sure.”
He clicks on the file the designer emailed him. She scans the entire document, tilting her head in thought.
“A bit repetitive.” Y/n concludes, popping another slice in her mouth, and Kenma nods. “Tell me more about the lore within the game. I know you kept what we discussed at the beginning but Rin told me you’ve expanded on it.”
He tells her all about it, fishing the old sketches and diagrams out of the drawer. They go through it one more time before he tells her about the additions to the lore. She, in turn, offers advice on how to apply these changes to the characters’ dialogues and designs. If things remain as disjointed as they are at the moment then it will only be detrimental down the line.  She jots down everything for him to keep in mind and discuss with the designer when at their next meeting.
Just as the dust of their efforts begins to settle, Kenma hits her with a most befuddling question.
“What would you do if your best friend confessed to you?”
Y/n frowns. “Best friend? Confession?”
“Yeah, like…” His Adam’s apple bobs up and down and his nervous gaze flits between his feet and the screen. “How would you react if they disclosed their feelings for you?”
“As in… romantic feelings?” Y/n asks and Kenma nods shyly. “I haven’t given it much thought.”
Kenma turns to her, eyes roaming her face. “But you’ve had feelings for someone before.”
“He was never my friend. Never wanted to be.” She shrugs. “Sorry, I can’t help you.”
There’s a beat of silence, during which Kenma can’t decide whether to look his friend in the eye or zone out. Ultimately, he decides to tell her the truth of it.
“The guy I like is in a relationship with someone else.”
Confessing is like cutting of the straps of a bag loaded with stones and letting it fall to the ground. His shoulders feel light and his lungs can finally fill with air. It’s not like coming out is a big deal in their friend group. Chiharu is asexual and Y/n, Rin, and Oikawa are bisexual. Only Kuroo and Ayame seem to be straight (Kuroo not so much lol).
Y/n’s frown deepens. “Why would you fall for someone who looks like he has hellcats style his hair on the daily?”  
Kenma holds back a gasp. He hadn’t imagined she’d figure him out so easily.
“How did you know it was him?” He groans in embarrassment, dragging his hands down his face.  
“Kenma, you and I barely go out.” Y/n points out. “I don’t think people in relationships, other than Kuroo, are a common sight for you.”
Defeated, he mouths. “Brutal.”
After gorging on tangerines some more, Kenma decides to make good on his promise to Kuroo and the party. The hellcat wastes no time in dragging the unwilling gamer to the dance floor. If the taller boy takes notice of how his friend at once flinches at and melts under his touch, he doesn’t give it away. Instead, he spins the boy around and gather’s the boy’s hair in a ponytail. Before Kenma can make his escape, Kuroo throws his arm around his waist and pulls him toward a group of guys dancing their worries away, 100% under the influence.
In the kitchen, Y/n finds Chiharu shoving a rolled slice of pizza in her mouth with zero concern for the choking hazard she has created and Ayame encouraging her in true cheerleader fashion. The latter waves Y/n over and hands her a slice of the shrimp pizza she’s been keeping an eye on since it was delivered. For the next 20 minutes or so, the three of them chatter by shouting over the music and can only manage to grasp about half of what the other is saying.
“Tooru-kun is coming, isn’t he?” Ayame asks at one point, having had to repeat the question for the third time.
Y/n notices how Chiharu slows down, only taking a small bite of the pepperoni after the daredevil atrocity she swallowed before.
“He said he’d think it over.” She says, blowing a wisp of neon green and black hair away from her face. “He’s been really busy with practice lately. Which is fine, I guess. As long as he’s not drinking.”
Ayame’s face twists with concern, “Is he getting any help?”
“Don’t think so.” Chiharu sighs. “He’s so stubborn, claiming it’s just a passing phase. That he can quit whenever he wants but just chooses not to.”
Y/n looks away from the two. This conversation couldn’t be further from what she wanted it to be. It only serves as a reminder of how insensitive she was with regard to his alcohol dependency the last time she saw him, how she’d cornered him because of how cornered she’d felt herself.
“What about you?” She asks Chiharu and when she turns to look at them the girl looks almost surprised to hear her ask.
“I’m tired, to be honest,” Chiharu answers with a sigh, the beginning of a smile detectable in her voice. “I just want to fly to Iceland and sleep for a year. So many fucking assignments piling up that I can’t see over them.” She shakes her head. “I almost asked for your help.”
Y/n holds back a scoff. “As if I would have been of any help.”
“No, but you would have been there to listen to me ranting while I look for the brush I’m holding.”
“I would have let you look for hours until you finally realized.”
Ayame and Chiharu laugh at that, already drunk off their wits. Y/n briefly wonders whether the jolly and spirited girl would remain as such if Kenma’s feelings for her boyfriend. Their friend group would certainly crumble. Nothing would be the same. There was no reason for her to be in the know since Kenma had no intention of confessing to Kuroo anyway.
Suddenly, Chiharu nudges her with her elbow. “Rin was looking for you before he decided that hotboxing in Kuroo’s bedroom was a good idea.”
Y/n looks at the crowd in the living room, past which lay the stairs to the second floor where Kenma’s and Kuroo’s respective bedrooms are.
“Is he still there?” she asks.
Ayame nods. “Yeah, I think so.”
Y/n nods and finishes the slice of pizza in her hand.
“Tell him to get his ass over here!” Chiharu yells over the music as Y/n heads out of the kitchen. “There’s pizza!”
None of them are coming down to eat and Chiharu knows that.
Y/n navigates around the sweaty bodies and takes the stairs. Once she’s in front of Kuroo’s bedroom, she knocks, then knocks again. Before she entirely surrenders, the door is thrown open and the face of Suna Rintaro looms over hers. The smile is slow to grow but once it does, there is nothing quite as inviting. Though even if he were frowning that wouldn’t change how he tugs her into the room, turning the key so that nobody dares disturb their peace. In but a few seconds, she finds herself in his embrace as his arms wind around her shoulders. Fabric softener and the earthy tones of his perfume curl inside her lungs and, in turn, her insides curl with a feeling that isn’t altogether unfamiliar.  The same is happening on his end.
I hope you can understand my frustration when I tell you that they each believe themselves to be utterly alone in this flurry of sensations. But it gets bearable, both for them, me, and you, once they plop down on the bed beside each other, ruffling Kuroo’s silky bedsheets as they get comfortable.
Y/n turns her head to the right to look at him only to find him already gazing.
“I was expecting to find you passed out,” She confesses.
Rin crosses his arms beneath his head. “Felt like lying to people for fun tonight.”
“Finishing the year strong.”
“Now that you’re here looking like this? Yes.”
As if his words weren’t enough to fluster and confound her, he turns and, supporting his weight on his elbow, brings his other palm to her face. Rin has always been observant. Always scrutinizing. Always picking up on what others can’t be bothered to spare a second look at. It’s no surprise that he’s able to tell she didn’t do the makeup herself, save for one thing.
“Did Ayame do your makeup?” His thumb rests on her cheek, careful not to press too hard on the artwork.
Y/n’s eyes try to search his but they’re someplace else. “Not all of it.”
“Figured. Your eyes have your touch.” Rin’s eyes shoot up to meet hers. Picking up on the bubbling self-consciousness, he adds. “In a good way.”
He wishes he could kiss her eyelids, the glitter painting his lips with the same brilliance that it has bestowed upon her eyes. Rin thinks that she looks much like what he imagines the universe to feel; the galaxies scattered above and below, within and around it, feed something lonely, and a black eye that beholds and consumes them. Her gaze feels like the joy of adolescence come to life, only better, more thrilling, and intimate. He wishes he could kiss them because he desperately wants to. Because he can’t look into them for too long without losing himself completely.
“I was kinda afraid to enter.”
Rin’s eyebrows shoot up. Then they furrow. His hand, on the other hand, stays still.
“Why would you be afraid?” He asks.  
She shrugs. “Thought you might be with someone.”
His chuckle, though inaudible to everyone else, bounces inside her skull. Not even the music coursing through the veins of the entire building (Kuroo has paid good money for the neighbors to tolerate this level of acoustic pollution) can drown it out. Y/n can feel his chest vibrate. It’s as if each gulp of air has him drawing closer.
“That’s not a reason, angel.” He finally says.  
“What would constitute a reason then?”
“You’re the only one that doesn’t need one.”
Her reluctance comes out in the elongated but fading. “Why?”
Well, what should he say to that? What would be considered a response that wouldn’t have her shutting down right before his eyes; face turned away, lids shut tight, feed padding across the floor as he watches her leave? How can he prevent that from happening while telling the truth? Because you’re the only part of me I can’t reject. Suna Rintaro is observant but words often fail him when it matters most. The stronger he feels about something, the more excruciating it is for him to express it. If I had to describe it, it would be; the truth of his soul is the flesh beneath all the misperceptions and alter egos. He never bares it, never lets it bleed.
“If you hadn’t shown up,” He leans down to whisper in her ear, I’d have spray-painted 2012 Tumblr poetry on your bedroom door.”
Y/n groans and pushes him away, face scrunching in disgust at the stupid tilt of his lips. “That’s torturous, Rin. I’d rather you choked me.”
If she weren’t too busy cringing at the flashbacks of 2012 Tumblr poetry, she would see his eyes darken by small degrees until the final sparkle in them is replaced by a glint of mischief and lust. Never before has he felt the urge to tease someone so primally. It’s either he gets to touch her in some way or his dick hardens in his jeans and he has to look for some stranger to spend the night with.
His breath catches in his throat as it occurs to him that this might be it. If this worked, it could end up with them kissing. Worst case scenario, he could play it off as teasing.
“Like this?”
Bringing his fingers to her neck, he watches her questioning eyes flit from his hand to his eyes. The pad of his thumb relaxes on her vein, feeling it pulsate. Slowly, his gaze travels upwards to her lips. They part with a sigh just as he applies a bit of pressure on both sides of her neck. He alternates between slow caresses, teasing, little scratches, and using ‘force’, a combination that builds up anticipation even amidst puzzlement. It’s a rhythm he doesn’t care to create with anyone else truth be told, as it is too intimate. But she is aware of none of this.
Then her hand clasps around his wrist, putting a stop to his ministrations. For a moment, he thinks she’ll tell him he’s getting ahead of himself.
“Why do you touch me like the people you sleep with?” She asks instead.
There it is… obliviousness. He can take confusion. He can understand not being used to having your friends kink-choke you. What he won’t stand for is mentioning others while he’s literally dying to get a taste of her mouth.
“You don’t know how I touch them.” He states.
Her grip relaxes around his wrists but his touch doesn’t abandon her neck. The skin tingles from his earlier attentions, sending intervals of want straight to her lower regions.
“Maybe not while you fuck them.” Y/n adds, “But I’ve seen you flirt.”
“Is that so?” Rin raises a brow. “Tell me how I touch them then.”
The encouragement isn’t all that convincing. So, she hesitates at first. But the expectant hum coming from him urges her to try and describe to him how his sexual encounters are filtered through the perception of the one person that mattered.
“You rest your hand on their thighs. Rub your thumb in circles.” She begins, “Like this.”
Before she can even lift her hand off the covers, Rin’s fingers have already left her neck in favor of her thigh, making sure to slide smoothly across her torso. If only she wasn’t wearing tights, he thinks, I could feel the warmth of her skin seep into mine so much faster.
“Go on.” He says, rubbing circles on her covered thigh, just where her black corduroy skirt ends.
“Then, when you pull them toward the dance floor, your hand goes around their middle.” Her breath hitches as his actions follow each gasping word, “Sometimes your fingers press into their sides.”
Getting above her, Rin uses his knee to part her thighs. Her skirt rides up a little as he does so, though not nearly as much as he wishes it did. Therefore, he takes matters into his own hands and lifts her thighs off the bed enough for his fingers to slide the skirt further up a few more inches. His nails then dig into her supple flesh only to abandon the area for her waist, settling there as he leans ever so close. Barely 3 inches stand between their lips now.
“And when you kiss them…” Y/n trails off, unable to decide whether to stare at his lips or into his eyes.
Rin hums, nodding. “When I kiss them?”
“You wrap your hand around their neck, lifting up their chin.”
Having been desperate for an opening, Rin doesn’t hesitate to make his way up to her throat, ‘forcefully’ cupping her jaw, eliciting a small gasp from her. One hand on her waist, the other on her face, he goes in for the kill, his own lips parting in response to hers. Fuck’s sake he can’t wait to have her at last, to feel her all around him, be intoxicated by her touch, drowning in her sighs and whimpers as he takes from and gives to her again and again and again. With the way her hands come up his shoulders, holding on for dear life as if he’s about to turn into thin air. As if he’d so much as think about replacing the feeling of her around him for the mindless snogging with someone random.
Rin has always imagined he could take it slow with her when the time came. But the present is unfolding quite differently. Two seconds in and he can’t handle the way their lips are simply touching, as if his mouth isn’t dying to devour hers, as if his teeth aren’t suddenly sharper in want of her lips. So, he initiates a deeper kiss by being the first to introduce his tongue, sliding it into her mouth and waiting for her to reciprocate. Y/n does so soon enough, getting to feel it toying with hers just for a second or two before it draws back to get a taste of her lips. After flicking her lower lip, he starts to nip at it, tugging and releasing as she moans in response. Then he adds tongue again, this time bringing the hand resting on her waist up to her chest, fondling her breasts as she leans forward for more.
The moment he stops the kiss to smile down at her with his eyes closed in bliss is the moment Y/n unwittingly spoils the mood.
“Then you disappear.”
Rin peers down at her in confusion but doesn’t draw farther from her.
“Do I disappear when I’m with you?”
“No.” But it comes out more as a question.
“I see no crowd here.” His jaw flexes. “For all our friends know, I’m currently fucking the shit out of you right now.”
He wishes his dick didn’t twitch at his own words and so does she. But more than horny, Rin is frustrated and, somehow, hurt. That’s why he can’t help but draw back, kneeling between her thighs as he contemplates asking an extremely risky question.
“Why do you think I don’t disappear with you?” He asks instead.
She looks to the side before he cups her jaw to redirect her gaze to him.
“Because,” She says, swallowing, “You don’t see me that way.”
There it is, Rin groans internally, that stubborn need to assume everything about me. If only she could stop thinking I don’t desire her, just because she believes no one else ever has. If she were to ask me straight-up, I would tell her. But how can I convince her that I want to kiss her, fuck her, and be with her, if she hasn’t understood it by now? I literally had my tongue inside her mouth two seconds ago. Even now, I’m kneeling between her legs with a boner I can’t tame.
“You don’t understand how I see you.” He mutters, relinquishing her.
Her chest burns as he moves to sit at the edge of the bed, seemingly in thought as he stares at the door.
“Are you leaving?” Why is her voice suddenly so small, she wonders.
“The party? No.” Rin answers, getting off the bed and heading for the door. “Just this room.”
Rin knows he feels the most cared for in her presence. What he doesn’t know is the feeling of being that one item at the store that is no one’s first, second, or final pick because it’s at the very front. The item is some random person’s final resort when there is no one they can turn to. Then discarded without a second thought. He doesn’t know that speaking his mind would put an end to this agonizing wait for his feelings to be perceived in their purest form. He doesn’t realize that he wouldn’t be disposed of by someone who knows what it’s like to be treated as such. And because none of this occurs to him, he shuts the door behind him and joins the mindless mayhem in the living room, feeling none of the joy and excitement, and all of the disdain and exasperation for himself and the way things turned out.
Y/n’s chest still burns, even as she rubs her palms raw over her thighs to make her brain think it’s her hand that hurts.  
   Tooru is one lousy bastard to come here unfashionably late, knowing well and clear that he’s about to slink away from the party just 30 minutes after his arrival. Even that’s being generous. This is neither the time nor the place for him to be all smiley and shit. All he wants to do right now is pop a can open and drain his poison of choice. It’s the final night of the year after all. Aren’t they all supposed to get irrevocably wasted and make decisions they would loathe to make while sober? At least, that’s what he tells himself as he turns off the engine and steps out of the car with a sigh.
He doesn’t catch the anxious murmurs at first as he locks the car doors. But as he takes to the steps a voice, small and whispery, seeps into his ears. If it were anyone else, he might have hurried over and asked if they needed any help. But it’s her voice and the thought of her turning him away once again is daunting, to say the least. Reluctant, however, he makes for the benches among the trees lining the perimeter of the apartment building. Here, Tooru notices, the wind beats the earth much more gently.
“Fuck, I messed up.”
His eyebrows come together in confusion. Because there she’s standing, crouching with her palms planted on her face as if she wishes she could skin it alive, one strip of skin at a time. Tooru has no time to take in her outfit⸺ the knee-length gray wool coat, the black corduroy skirt from before, the iron-grey turtleneck, and the black shoes⸺ because her tirade goes on, becoming more hurried by the second.
“Hey.” He says, making his way to her. At the sound of his voice, she flinches and immediately stands, wiping at her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Hey, what’s wrong? Why are you out here in the cold?”
Tooru tries to sneak a peek at her face, but she pushes him away.
“Leave me alone.” She mutters, waiting for him to leave.
But Tooru is nothing if not stubborn.
Taking hold of her elbow gently, he asks, “Y/n what happened?”
Y/n groans and shakes him off of her.
“You happened.” She bites out and pushes against his chest, forcing him to stumble back a step. “Go away.”
“Y/n-
“No!”
The breath catches in his throat, and for a few wintry moments, in which she glares at him with incomparable loathing, Tooru dares neither to inhale nor exhale. He can only stand still, wishing he could reshape the course of time, remodeling history so she didn’t have to hurt. But he only waits for her to carry on.
“Ever since-” She begins, eyes shut tight and words cut short as it physically pains her to speak them and look at him as she does. With a newfound ache, she glares at him again, forefinger digging into his chest. “Ever since you showed up everything is all wrong. It’s all wrong! I was okay. Everything was okay. It was over. I was- I had left you behind! And now you won’t disappear! Why won’t you disappear? Go away.”
It's clear to Tooru that he has absolutely no right to be hurt, and that he deserves every manner of abuse in existence. But he’d be lying if he were to claim that her wanting him out of her life isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to him for quite some time. The Tooru from before, the one always in denial and going around laying waste to everything in search of refuge from his fears, would have been ecstatic. Right? Yes… and no. But that is a matter reserved for later.
The concern of the present is her breaking down in front of him, face crumpling like a wet shirt as her eyes fill with tears and she crouches again, covering her ears as if doing so will lessen the gravity of what she believes to be true. Unable to take it anymore, Tooru crouches before her, wrapping his fingers around her wrists. But she shakes her head and continues.
“I messed up. It’s my fault. I messed up. Messed up. I’m sorry. I messed up. I’m-  
“Hey, hey, look at me.” He soothes the girl, rubbing circles on her skin. “It’s fine. Here, sit with me. Let’s regulate your breathing. Breathe with me, won’t you.”
They stay like that for some time, 10 minutes or so, until she finally opens her eyes and slowly removes her hands from her ears.
“Can you speak now?” Tooru asks when he feels it is safe to do so. She doesn’t answer so he tries a different route. “Do you want to?”
She stands and, too ashamed to meet his worried gaze, looks at her shoes. By now, he’s released her wrists and she’s free to run away if she so wishes. Though he can’t promise he won’t follow her as he’s worried sick her state of mind might be too muddled to trust her to look at both sides of the road before crossing.
“Do you not want it to be me who listens?” He tries again. Y/n nods and he glances up at the building. “Let me go get Suna or Kenma.”
Before he can bolt for the entrance, she grabs onto his coat.
“No, I, ngh.” She turns her face to the side, wiping at her nose with her coat sleeve (which would be disgusting if she hadn’t just broken-down minutes before). “I just- I hate that you found me.”
Tooru takes in her facial expressions. The way she averts her eyes, utterly ashamed of what he had witnessed and the way she was holding onto him. He places his hand on hers and her eyes shoot straight to where they touch.
“Do you hate that you want to tell me?” He says, all too aware of the answer.
Again, she looks away, this time nodding slowly.
“It’s okay. I understand.” Tooru faces her fully, acting as if he doesn’t want to crawl into a hole and eat dirt. “I’m not leaving unless you’re leaving with me.” He smiles even though she still refuses to look at him. “I would flip the coin again but I’m not certain I’ll be able to accept whatever fate the coin chooses for us. I’d end up sitting here, by your side, until the very end.”
She looks at him now. It’s nothing more than fleeting glances at first. Then their gazes lock and Tooru has to fight the urge to dust the snowflakes off her cheeks and melt the frost, which is steadily settling on her lashes from all the crying, between his gloved fingers.
Instead, he takes her by the hand and leads her toward his car and for the first time Y/n doesn’t question his motives. Tooru drives them to a quiet café that has yet to close as it wants to milk whatever customers might be wandering about the city of Tokyo at this hour. She doesn’t seem ready to speak yet so he takes the liberty to place both of their orders. Coffee would be downright catastrophic to her mental state at the moment. It was known for worsening symptoms of anxiety and the last thing she needed was a repeat of what had happened not even half an hour ago. So, he orders tea for both; peppermint for her and chamomile for himself. He pays and joins her at the table near the air conditioner.
After the waiter has served the tea, it takes a long moment for Y/n to look up from the crumpled napkin currently being picked to shreds.
“I messed up.” It comes out like a whimper and her face crumples up again. “I really did. Like I always do.”  
Tooru doesn’t know where to begin. Truly, he doesn’t know.
“Why do you say that?” But this question seems like a decent place to start.
Her fingers work faster at picking apart the napkin and she says, “I went there, thinking it would be like nothing had happened.”
“And it isn’t?”
How could it be? Kenma had only stopped texting under the assumption that she needed a break from what had happened, not because he’d thought the damage irreparable. Kuroo missed the way she would argue a point to the finish line (the line being Kuroo either smiling at the depth of information or admitting defeat with a theatrical sigh of exasperation). Chiharu and Ayame were wicked anxious about how things might turn out between them if she decided to go through with the whole moving-out thing. Which was more than likely by this point. Suna would do anything for her, that much was clear to anyone. And Tooru… he would do anything she wanted. He’d be anything she wanted him to be. Even if that meant he’d be gone.
All any of them wished for when it came to Y/n and her relation to the rest was for her to let herself be cared for. But as he watches her try and fight back tears, Tooru says none of this and just hears her out to the end.
“Kenma has been trying to meet with me and this is the first time I’ve seen him since then. And none of them will ever forgive me for that night.” Abandoning the napkin, her hands come up to her ears scratching at the skin behind the shell. “I ruined everything. I want to run away. Never see anyone I know ever again.”
Suna won’t forgive her. She is sure he won’t because she’s repulsive, stupid, and cowardly. If only they knew each other’s hearts and their own the way that I do.
“Iwa-chan said he hopes you see none of us again.”
His voice, a careful and soothing voice, is filtered through the scratching noise that so provides her comfort. But the words are as confusing as this version of Oikawa Tooru, the one that doesn’t seem to mind her presence.
“Although now it’s impossible since we’ve already crossed paths.” He lets out a humorless chuckle. “But yes. He feels responsible for your situation even though he knows it’s not his fault. He thinks of you like family, the same way he considers me his brother. So, it’s complicated for him.”
Noticing the crinkle in her brow, he smiles a little and clarifies. “I think he’d love to see you again, to know you’re not going to run away because of mistakes that aren’t his to bear.”
Her hands relax but stay put.
“Why are you telling me this?” She asks.
Tooru wastes no time providing ample evidence.
“Kuroo made sure to buy your favorite snacks.” He begins counting on his fingers. “Ayame and Kenma picked your favorite songs. Chiharu convinced you to come. And Suna… I trust I don’t need to explain.” He ignores the grimace that passes over her face at the mention of the boy. “You’re mistaken in thinking you’ve laid waste to everything. They may not know and therefore not understand everything fully, but they wouldn’t let your absence dictate the way they see you.”
But that makes zero sense. She isn’t there, hasn’t been part of their lives for weeks, and hasn’t deigned to ask what has happened in her absence. Even then, that doesn’t explain how Iwaizumi is in any way related to the new life she has made of herself and her convoluted relationships if you could call them that.
Y/n brings her hands to the table, toying with the napkin before shooting a glance at the steaming cup of peppermint tea.
“How could Maki, Mattsun, and Iwa not hate me?” Her gaze snaps to him. “You do.”
His chest tightens. His throat constricts. All of a sudden, the air conditioner is bringing his lungs to a boil and the high-quality fabric of the turtleneck makes him itch. He wants out. But that would mean failing to succeed in being let in by her.
Tooru pulls at the fabric around his neck to let the skin breathe.
“Even if that were true, that doesn’t mean it should be their truth.” He hopes he sounds reassuring but knows he doesn’t. Seeing the distrust in the way she slightly purses her lips and the barely noticeable narrowing of her eyes, Tooru tries to plead his case. “I am trying to make up for what I did. Please, believe me. I’m aware it might prove futile. Still… it’s not the only reason why I’m in this café with you right now.”
Her expression tells him that he has yet to make himself understood or appear trustworthy in her eyes. Tooru leans back in his chair and places his left hand on the table, drumming his fingers to a ghostly beat.
“I’m here because you shouldn’t have to turn your back on everything a second time.” He says in one breath. I don’t ever want to look at your back while you run away again. “Because I don’t want you to think it’s your fault.”
The thing about blame and guilt, Tooru begins to understand as her face scrunches once again and she looks away in shame, is that they’re obsessive lovers. Please, have me. I’m all yours. I won’t ever leave you. Everyone says we’re meant to be. What would people think if you divorced us? Please, don’t let go.
Tooru’s fingers still and he reaches out and takes her left hand in his. Y/n flinches but doesn’t pull away.
“It isn’t your fault.” He repeats.
The young man doesn’t expect his words to be the cure, however much he wishes that were the case.
“You’re here trying to lie that I’m not to blame.” She uses her coat sleeve to wipe her eyes, now all red and swollen, with traces of mascara on her waterline from the smudging. “But it’s easy for you to say because you’ve always known that if not your mom, then your friends would have your back. And if your friends abandoned you, you’d still have a place to crash-land softly into.”
His thumb traces the outline of her knuckles. Once Tooru has fully processed her words, a thought occurs to him. He decides to be brave.
“From now on, each time you make mistakes let me be the one you crash-land into.” He looks at her with hope and sincerity in his eyes. “Second by second, I’ll try to make it all better.”
Y/n sniffles. “A part of my brain keeps telling me it’s too soon to trust you.”
“And the other part?” He smirks. “What does it whisper?”
“It says that you are kind.”
His breath hitches. Her dark eyes are too honest, too straightforward for him.
“Which one are you going to put your faith in?” He asks, slowly but playfully still.
Y/n tucks her hair behind her ear and looks to the side. “I don’t- I don’t know.”
While vague, the answer is decidedly honest. Tooru can’t ask for more than that.
“Can I be honest with you?” He says, pulling his chair a bit forward so he can comfortably rest his elbows on the table while still holding her hand.
“Might as well.” She mutters. “Since you already brought me here.”
Tooru clears his throat.
“I had planned on asking you to move in with me. But then.” He smiles sheepishly. “Then I thought about how delusional I was being, how illogical it would be for me to assume you would even consider my offer. I thought ‘Are you that selfish’, ‘Are you that stupid’. Yet, when I told the others, they immediately thought I was being strange but kind.”
Y/n tilts her head as if considering him and everything coming out of his mouth, then looks down. She doesn’t seem surprised, almost as if she’s heard of this before.
“You say that as if you think they’re wrong.” She points out the distrust in his tone. “People have always believed you to be considerate… generous.”
He lets out an awkward chuckle. “I was just desperate. Selfish too.”
The good thing about the silence that ensues is her hand in his. There is no protest as he caresses the back of it, following the curve of her bones. They’ve always been thin, delicate. Each time he had yanked and pulled at her, the fragility of those bones had filled him with instant regret. Yet, every single time, he’d managed to hold on a bit tighter, anxious to keep her there at any cost. Now, he can’t help but shoot furtive admiring glances at the slope of her nose, the delicate arch of her eyebrows, and the dainty cheekbones. All too afraid to so much as gaze at them for too long, lest she catches on and perceives his presence as threatening.
But he wants to say so many things, and they’re all locked in his chest like one big sigh begging to be released.
For more than a year, I’ve been thinking about how it must have been for you when you helped Emiko paint those posters for my games, only for her to follow my lead and hurt you in the end.
When you took care of your little brother after he got scraped his knees playing outside, only for him to emulate my behavior toward you. When you got Maki’s number for that one girl only for her to laugh when I said that you ate disgustingly. When you helped that guy with the chemistry problem only for him to purposely smash his ball into your face. And countless other cases such as this.
I was always the enabler. It fills me with rage.
Tooru shuts his eyes and says, “I’m sorry I ever let the world believe I am the kind one of us two.”
He wishes she would speak, say anything, only not subject him to that unforthcoming silence that follows his apology. Her hand, which until then had remained still and soft under his hands, stirs to life once more. Tooru feels her fingers clench and, instinctively, he gently drags his digits across the back of her hand.
Then, she begins.
“But you are kinder than me. You’re nice to people.” Y/n says with a voice that betrays no uncertainty. “You’re just not kind to me.”
Tooru winces, and when his eyes trail up to her face, the breath in his throat turns to stone. The look on her face is one of resignation as much as it is of self-loathing. It makes him want to shatter something, makes him want to drive his car off a cliff and drown at the bottom of the sea.
Careful not to startle her, he eases her fingers and threads them with his as he moves to sit on the chair to her left.
“I am so, so, sorry.” He confesses, “So sorry I let you believe it was your fault.”
He means every word. He wishes he could make her believe them.
Y/n eyes him skeptically. “How can I be sure this isn’t a long-term prank?”
All Tooru can do is chuckle and offer her an apologetic smile.
“I would beg you to have faith in me,” He says, “But that would be blasphemy.”
Before she can digest his words, an idea blooms in his head. His fingers tighten around hers, which catches her attention; dark eyes flitting from where their hands are touching up to his grinning face.
“What if we treat this as a little experiment?” He proposes with a mien that is almost hopeful. “A project. Treat me like a test subject. Dissect my intentions. Lobotomize my conscience. Bring everything to light and do what you think is best.”
Y/n considers his proposition in silence, holding his gaze as she does.
“Projects have a due date.” She points out.
It doesn’t take Tooru long to think of a deadline. What matters is that she’s taking him seriously.
“How does one year sound?”
“Are you sure you can make up for twelve years in just one?”
His faith in himself wavers at her words. “Do you think it will take longer?”
“I want it to take less. I don’t like-
“Wasting time on things doomed to fail. It’s inefficient.” He nods. Then, as if injected with a lethal dose of dopamine, Tooru makes a gesture as if flipping his hair. “I, however, am unfortunately enamored with what you call failures. I can’t help but want to tend to wounds. So,” He says, leaning closer so that their knees are brushing against each other, “Is a year fine with you?”
Nervous, Y/n brings her other hand to her wrist, scratching at the soft skin.
“A year and a day from tonight.” She tells him.
Tooru fake pouts, “Are you so certain I am going to fail? You wound me, pretty.”
“I don’t think it’s possible for me to hurt you. But just in case… you know.” She shoots him a look as if everything she’s saying is supposed to make sense. And, surprisingly, it does. “I don’t want to ruin New Year’s Eve for you. For all I know, that could be the first time you find yourself on the receiving end of rejection.”
Tooru makes as if to swoon. “So, you do think I’m doomed to fail.”
“Well, yes.” Her response is so deadpan it makes him bark out a laugh.
Though, on a more serious note, this is her trying. Just the fact that she’s willing to go through with this says enough about her commitment to what she had previously agreed to do with Rin. But he hates her now. He doesn’t want to experience everything as it happens in the continuum of a moment. All of it is her fault. But if she can have it with someone else, someone that, until a few hours ago, she would much rather steer clear of, then so be it. What she doesn’t understand is that she doesn’t have to choose. She doesn’t know that Rin could never leave her behind.
The two of them take their tea with two packets of sugar. Over the years, they’ve picked up on each other’s taste; Tooru all the more oblivious to his penchant for observing her whenever she was in the room. He takes in the sight of her as he urges her to talk about random things. He breathes in her scent as she wraps the green scarf, all frayed and spotted with lint, around her neck.  
“Why won’t you throw this thing away?” He asks when they’re out in front of the café.
“Listen, Oikawa-
He tuts, shaking his index finger. “Not if you keep calling me by my last name, I won’t.”  
He sounds playful and his brown eyes sparkle with childlike curiosity. So, she thinks, he’s not being malicious?
“I was supposed to give this to you on your birthday. Well, not supposed to because nobody made me buy it.” She hesitates in divulging the rest to him but ultimately decides to go with it. Her fingers feel the cloth around her neck. “I heard you say you prefer winter over summer because in summer it’s harder to practice, and… I thought you’d like it. And that it would make you hate me less.”
But she hadn’t given it to him and he had continued to believe that for him to be at peace she needed to disappear. Even if she’d chosen differently, Tooru is almost certain he would have found a way to trample on her attempt to befriend him. It would have been no more than wasted effort.
He speaks her name softly, so tenderly that even Tooru himself can barely hear it. But Y/n catches it and looks up at him. She recoils when he takes hold of the scarf and looks away.
“Trust me.” He angles his head so she can see him without having to look up.
Slowly, Tooru unwraps the worn-down fabric and does the same with his thick midnight blue scarf. He then wraps the thick, expensive (believe that it is) cloth around her neck. He can feel her gaze on him as he does the same with her scarf. He can tell she’s more than confused.
“There,” He says, patting the soft material that conceals her lips from view, “Now this feels right.”
Unable to formulate a proper sentence, Y/n simply nods and follows Tooru who immediately heads for his car. The scarf smells too nice for her to argue with him and have him yank it off of her. She breathes him in the entire car ride to the nearest park. His scent settles in her lungs like oxygen and Y/N loathes the moment she’ll have to remove it once she returns home.
Leaning against the railing, they watch the fireworks light up the sky and their reflection in the water mirroring the Big Bang of the New Year.
  Age 17, the night of Tooru’s Birthday
“You should sleep here tonight sweetie.”
Truly, Tooru’s mother shouldn’t have said that. She should have left it well enough alone so Y/n could have worked out some plan of how to evade her mother’s blows and, most importantly, prevent others from bearing witness. But now… now that the offer has been made, it’s like a shroud has fallen over every piece of furniture and every speck of thought.
It shows plainly on Tooru’s face; his stare, the way he sucks in his cheek, his arms crossed over his chest. It would be ridiculous to presume he is anything other than displeased. She’s learned to read him to an extent. Without a doubt, that stance promises that nothing good would come out of staying the night.
“No.” Y/n asserts as politely as she can. She can spy Tooru raising an eyebrow at her words, “I don’t need to. I can just climb from his balcony into mine.”
Yuiko sighs and rubs her soft hands up and down Y/n’s arms. “Sweetie, we already discussed this. That’s extremely dangerous. Just sleep in Tooru’s room tonight. Okay? In the morning we can have breakfast and you can go home after that. Hm, how does that sound?”
“It’s fine.” Y/n insists, placing her hand above the one Tooru’s mom is gently holding her arm with. “I can do it. I’ll be careful not to slip.”
“See, that’s exactly what I fear, sweetie. What if your carefulness isn’t careful enough?” Y/n makes to respond when Yuiko cranes her head in Tooru’s direction, who looks infinitely more cheerful than he was five seconds ago. “Tooru, help me out a little. Convince her that it’s dangerous.”
And that’s the final nail in the coffin. How she wishes something would pulverize her where she stands, that her ashes would be scattered by a storm. Because there is no way Oikawa Tooru, the same person who told her just hours ago that she’d be lucky enough to die while scaling the building before her mom learns of her mistake, would be able to feign any utterance in favor of her continued existence. “Just sleep in my room tonight.” Those words, coming from him, shock her and it shows candidly on her face. He pushes himself off the wall with a smile and reaches for Y/n’s arm, separating her from Yuiko, who returns his smile with one of relief and gratitude. “It’s dangerous to do what you’re thinking of doing.”
As she steps from the security of the living room into his domain, Y/n is the only one not smiling. He releases her the moment the door clicks shut and heads toward the mini-fridge beside his studying desk without casting even a glance her way. The entire time she stands in the center of his bedroom like a stupid bitch, Tooru drinks from a bottle of water, pulls out two cans of beer, and then turns on the TV.
She takes the opportunity to sneak out into the balcony. She tries to make as little noise as possible yet he catches on anyway.
“In a bit, mom will bring you clothes to sleep in.” He stares her down as if to challenge her. “Do you want her to realize you’ve risked your life despite her begging you not to?”
Refusing to back down, Y/n says, “Don’t you want me to leave?”
Before he can answer, there comes a knock at the door. He gestures with his hand for her to answer it. She opens the door just enough to smile briefly at Yuiko.
“Here you go, sweetie,” The woman hands her a baggy, short-sleeved white shirt and a pair of grayish purple shorts along with panties to match. The last item has Y/n’s eyes flitting from Yuiko to the side to make her understand she can’t undress with her son in the same room. “Oh, I don’t think Tooru will mind. He can just turn the other way as you change. Besides,” Yuiko opens the door a little wider and motions to the wall next to the shelves where his numerous figurines stand, “You can use his bathroom. You can even take a shower if you want. Tooru always keeps spare sponges on hand.”
“Alright.”
That is all Y/n says and Yuiko smiles and wishes the two of them goodnight, leaving Y/n with the obvious choice to change out of her garments in the bathroom. Tooru says nothing but she can still perceive the tension emitting from him; penetrating her skin, crawling under it like maggots, rushing through her blood vessels like a substitute for blood. It has sweat pooling at her brow and along the length of her neck. Yet her goosebumps rise all over her arms like rashes that refuse to go away unless treated with some poultice. It’s a disease, this tension. No more, no less. So, she enters the bathroom in order to alleviate the symptoms, if only for a short while.
The clothes don’t exactly fit her. Tooru’s sister, Sayako-san, was much curvier than Y/n when she was her age. But that’s not the issue here. The problem is that Y/n, like any sane person, never wears a bra when she sleeps, and she doesn’t know what he’ll have to say about it. But, like her aunt always says, the need for comfort should always surpass the need for approval or the fear of prejudice.
Obviously, she exits without taking a shower. That would only make him angrier at her and all she wants to do is sleep and pretend he’s anything but furious.
“Out already?” His voice startles her just a little, “Why didn’t you take a shower?”
Walking towards the foot of the bed, Y/n looks at him (seated on the small blue couch and wearing glasses that would look ugly on her). He pauses whatever he was watching before her emergence and makes his way to her. She can hear the gears turning in his head at an inhuman speed, and dread drops in her stomach like a boulder into the sea; heavier than anything she feels when not in his presence.
“I didn’t think you’d appreciate me using your stuff.” Y/n answers.
Stopping less than a meter from where she’s sitting, Tooru scoffs.
“You’re already using my room. Might as well clean up after yourself. Besides,” He draws nearer and she instinctively stands as if to defend herself from any manner of attack. Before she can move out of his way, he yanks her by the arm so that she’s standing in front of him once again, “You’re used to lusting after everything that’s mine.”
“I don’t want to take anything away from you, though.” Her response is bland yet immediate, like a knee-jerk reaction. It’s all she can do to convince herself that she doesn’t need to convince him of anything, to make him understand that she’s not the enemy. “Your mom is just ni-
He clamps his palm over her mouth and grins while leading her to his closet.
“If you want me to treat you better than you deserve even for just one night, you have to stop acting so innocent around me.”
Y/n tears his hand off her face as gently as she can so as not to arouse suspicion that his actions fluster and terrify her.
“You’re wrong.” She says, and he glares down at her. “I’m not-
Tooru shoves two towels in her hands.
“Go shower.” She looks at the back of his head as he sits on the couch, “Hurry. I need to shower too.”
That makes her feel even worse about staying the night; such a burden, a useless log that is tossed from a home that is dismissive of her existence to another that half-wishes she didn’t exist at all. To escape the turmoil, she does as he says; showers using his imported shampoo, shower gel, his extra blue sponge, and spare toothbrush. She’s like 1546385% certain he’s going to chuck it straight into the bin the moment she’s out of his house, perhaps even earlier.
He pushes past her before she’s even completely out of the bathroom.
She scans the bedroom for any place to sit that wouldn’t displease him. If she were to sit on the couch, that would undoubtedly leave room for remarks such as ‘What makes you think you can watch TV with me’ or ‘Why aren’t you asleep’. As for the latter, she doesn’t know where she’s going to sleep. She very much doubts he’s letting her sleep in his bed. Should she sit on the chair beside his desk? Should she stand with her shoulders against the wall? Y/n opts for the last option.
He's towel-drying his hair when he says, “What are you doing?”
Y/n doesn’t bother answering and instead asks a question of her own, “Where am I going to sleep?”
Tooru doesn’t tear his eyes away from her face as he approaches her, brushing his damp hair all the while. She can either hold his gaze and irritate him, or she can look literally anyplace else. The outcome will remain the same. Obviously, she opts for the latter.
“Where do you think?” He asks, no emotion detectable in his voice.  
“Any spare sheets?” She asks, “Since I’m taking the couch-
“Ever the martyr, aren’t you?”
“But you don’t want-  
Tooru no longer bothers to veil his displeasure with frayed niceties. He takes a step in her direction. She stays rooted in place as if his words have cast a spell on her.
“Why?” He sneers, “So that you can tell mom about how mean I’ve been to you? Is that it?” Y/n makes to answer him honestly. He tilts up her chin as if to urge their gazes to lock. “Fucking look at me while I’m speaking to you.”  
She does no such thing, choosing instead to speak with her stare piercing his collarbone.
“I’m not a martyr and-
This time he grabs her jaw and forces their eyes to meet. “I said look at me.”
Now, it’s not like she doesn’t try to yank herself free of his hold, and pry his fingers off her face until she’s no longer tormented by the deprecation and doubts swirling in his brown irises. But admittedly, it would be unrealistic for someone of her physique and athletic ineptitude to overpower someone of Oikawa Tooru’s caliber. Not to mention that he seems to meet her efforts with resilience. Determination makes his eyes gleam with something so feral in nature, so unlike his public image, that she ceases her attempts to liberate herself.
“I’m not a martyr and I’m not going to tell your mom.” Trying not to let on how defeated she feels, Y/n holds on to his forearm (a futile gesture of defiance), “I just want to sleep.”
To keep her mind off the fact that the space between their bodies keeps diminishing, she focuses on literally everything else; the almost imperceptible birthmark on the left side of his jaw, the slope of his nose, the wet strands that are beginning to lose some of their wet-glisten, the curve of his parted lips, and the breaths slipping in and out from between them. It doesn’t work out well. His presence becomes even more overwhelming.
“Well then,” He says, putting some distance between the two of them, “I think this is the right time to tell you I am no brute. You can sleep in my bed, especially now that you’re clean. But if you think I’m going to let you sleep so early,” The look he gives her, as he removes his hand from her jaw to pull her toward the sofa, is nothing short of a warning, “You’re severely mistaken.”
What happens after seems unreal to both of them. Tooru is baffled at himself when he pushes one bottle of beer after another her way at the same time that he’s draining his own. He doesn’t know why he trusts her at this very moment, nor why their hushed laughter makes him feel the vastness between their faces so severely. Their bodies reel from the sheer stupidity of the people in YouTube compilation videos making a fool of themselves in public. At one point he has to stop himself from laughing because he’s afraid he’s going to piss his pants right then and there.
He can sense her hesitation when he offers to microwave some pizza, but he doesn’t understand why that could be. It doesn’t occur to him that it might be because of him or the fact that the noise could wake his mom. Putting his finger in front of his lips in a shushing gesture, he assures her that his mother sleeps like a log and that, for good measure, he’s going to stop the microwave before the beeping sound.
It becomes obvious that she’s starving when he sets the plate on the low table and she all but inhales a slice. At first, he’s worried that she’s going to choke you know. But then she looks closes her eyes and smiles as though she’s having the nicest of dreams. Tooru leaves it be.
It's in the early hours of the morning that they have calmed down somewhat, each of them staring off into space as though the trophies or the buzzing TV screen will provide answers that they cannot get from having a sincere conversation.
As usual, Tooru is the first to speak.
“How do you manage to be alone?”
Under normal circumstances, they would be holding their breath. But they are so… lethargic and drunk that such behavior doesn’t even present itself as a possibility.
Depending on the dose of sincerity and the form it was served, her answer could be either poison or medicine. Even in her inebriated state, Y/n takes a few seconds to answer him truthfully.
“Silence is a good amplifier.” She tells him, and his eyebrows comically climb up on his forehead. “I can hear my heart beating, and everything around me and about me comes alive. I remain invisible to anyone but myself.”  
Sensing that there is more that she wishes to express, he waits for her to finish.
“In silence, I find the strength not to die.”
Her words send tremors right through Tooru’s core, so much so that the can of beer almost slips from his hands (it doesn’t help that his palms have gotten clammy). So, a good minute passes until he’s ready to elaborate on his understanding of her perception of solitude.
“By your logic, the will to live can only be found in solitude.” He settles for looking at her arms as he asks the following question, “People make you want to die?”
“No,” Her answer isn’t immediate but neither of them pays any heed to the belatedness. “Not all the time.”
Resting his head against the couch, Tooru groans.
“Solitude would kill me.” He confesses and takes a sip, “I want to be around the people I care about and never be parted from them. I want to be surrounded by those that adore me, admire me, and never see the end of their idolization of me.” The silence that ensues puts a strain on the otherwise peaceful atmosphere. Still refusing to spare her a glance, he says, “Go on. Say what you have to say.”
This time her response is prompt.
“Sounds a lot like you’re desperate for belonging.”
Tooru’s eyes go wide and he scoffs to emphasize his incredulity at her assumption. His hands are now clammy from the bottle sweating in his hold and itching to search despairingly for some reprieve.
“I do belong. With my friends, my mom, my sister, and my nephew.” His gaze settles on her shoulder as he continues, “Where do you belong?”
Y/n chuckles and Tooru can tell she would rather avoid answering his question.
“Not here.” She answers.
His gaze slowly travels up her neck and cheekbone, finally meeting her eyes in a room where the only source of radiance is the TV screen and the moonlight barging in. What is there to say, he wonders, about her? What is the best thing to say at this very moment? While she sits beside him⸺ cheek propped up on her folded right knee as her left foot rocks back and forth almost imperceptibly, her face tinged a mellow shade of red from the alcohol that just an hour ago used to fill the many bottles that now stand hollow⸺ he doubts he should say anything whatsoever.
But he does so either way.
“Is that how you feel?”
Because not speaking to her feels like a crime against his nature.
She shoots right back. “Isn’t that what you think?”
Now they’re both engaging in a battle of gazes that they are trying to saturate with some manner of temerity. It takes an absurd amount of courage not to flee his own home in search of something insignificant, vulgar, and utterly deplorable just to get the chasteness of the moments spent in her presence to flee from him. It takes several moments of breaths scarcely drawn for him to set his foot down and tell this urge ‘tonight I’m going to stay’.
While he’s mustering the courage to stay where he’s happiest, his hands have a mind of their own; slowly inching in the direction of her left hand until the tips of their fingers are touching just barely. It is stronger than Tooru, the desire to flip their worlds upside down. So, he settles for her hand, his fingers now caressing the hard skin camouflaging the softest of flesh.
Unsure whether to smile or solidify his poker face, Tooru tells her, “Your hands are callused.”
She isn’t far behind. “So are yours.”
Being the narrator has its perks and curses. I get to witness the gradual growth of their affection, which is still too great for their bodies; it spills through the cuts and cracks, bleeding light into a room otherwise washed by the dark. I get to watch him smile as though he’s found the one home that truly feels like one, that ephemeral thing called comfort that slips through the gaps of time, from one heartbeat to the next, that singular thing humans call belonging. I get to see the tremulous dawn of something similar peek above the curve of her lips, as if she’s a little afraid, a little nervous, and a little bit overwhelmed. I get to register his intangible regret and her contented confusion. I get to remember this night as it slips from their minds entirely, the defective record player refusing to let the joy take root… bloom. I get to regret remembering while time flies by, content that it has conquered their misery.
But for now, in the dead of night, he clings to the feeling of familiarity⸺ the scent he adores and forgets time and time again, the rhythmic pattern of her breaths and the rise and fall of her chest⸺ like a child clinging to his birthday balloon. He lets the warmth of her balance the shivers of the 3 AM breeze, because it is, as he slowly begins to understand, the easiest thing to be in her presence. He doesn’t have to pretend, to set his standards for himself so high that he sprains every aspect of his being in the climb to reach it. He can… exist.
He can show her all the memes he has on his phone and she can do the same. He can let her in on jokes his friend group cracks on the daily, revel in her laughter, muffled though it is. He can, in his drunken stupor, twirl strands of her hair around his forefinger, relish the smoothness of it, and let it fall only to repeat it over and over and over again.
She, too, can bask in his beaming smile. The gleam in his brown eyes is genuine, as pure as a candid picture of a raindrop about to plummet into the earth. As if the joy she’s experiencing was not crafted for her, a pang comes where her heart resides, and then another.
“I’m sorry, you know,” Her words invite confusion, but she does not allow him the opportunity to give voice to it. “For being here.”
Tooru knows not how to respond, so he lets his smile speak for him. And when she falls asleep at 3:52 AM, he allows himself the luxury to lie with his back turned to her.
You should know, reader, that the day he learned she’d left home for good wasn’t the first time he’d curled up in bed like a small child afraid of the dark. This isn’t the first time either. If it’s to hold back guilty tears, to suppress apologies that he thinks are either beneath him or above someone as vile as him, he’s more than willing to assume the demeanor of a four-year-old. He’s much too stranded on the mud-like admixture of arrogance and self-loathing to say things like ‘It’s fine’ or ‘Goodnight’. Every bit of his cowardice replenishes his strength to send a drunken prayer; that he might forget he ever felt at home with her.
In the afternoon, when his mom questions him about her whereabouts, she is nowhere to be seen. He thinks he is glad she has gone, so in a way, he got his wish. He believes himself relieved that the evidence of her warmth on his sheets has given way to coolness. But I know how dismayed he is to see her at the playground, sitting on a swing as she converses with Iwaizumi next to her, looking every bit like the girl that he has alienated yet toward whom he keeps gravitating. I know that the discomfort roiling in his chest is nothing but a mixture of fear and shame wound around his lungs like pythons around their prey.
  The music is a drowned thing. Utterly insignificant in comparison to the scream jammed tight in his throat. Barbed wires press insistently against his muscles, shredding his skin. Rin needs someone he can share them with, wrap them in his hurt so they can both be secure within the sky-high fence. What better person to do this with than a stranger? They wouldn’t mind if he were to leave, never to show his face again. They certainly wouldn’t care if he was thinking about anything else while pleasuring them.
As he wraps his fingers around the girl’s neck, angling his head for better access to her lips, he forgets to factor in that people aren’t cutouts of one another.
She breaks away slowly, taking in the distressed look on his face as she asks, “You’re not thinking about me, are you?”
Rin scoffs and leans in once more.
“What does it matter?” He says, lips merely an inch away from hers.
“It doesn’t to me.” The girl shrugs, placing her hands on his arms, which has him halting to look where she’s touching him and then back up at her face. “But you’re not enjoying this.”
Shaking her off, Rin seethes, “How the fuck would you know?”
The girl rolls her eyes.
“I’m just saying you’re not present.” She leans in. “No need to be a little bitch.”
In a second, they’re making out again, but this time Rin is strangely stiff, rigid in his movements. This has never happened to him before. She breaks away, putting some space between them.
“See?” She says with a soft laugh, but Rin refuses to open his eyes. The girl pats him on the arm. “Happy New Year.”
Rin doesn’t say it back because she leaves. Although, there’s a very small chance he would have actually mustered the patience or ability to speak. It’s only after the song ends and ‘house of balloons’ starts playing that gathers the courage to tear his own eyelids open. Everything is painted with splotches of color and it takes a few seconds for him to see clearly. As clearly as he can see in a room lit only by an imitation of a mirror ball.
His mission is to search the house for her. Maybe she’s still where he left her?
“Out.” He tells the couple that’s about to hotbox in Kuroo’s room. “Only Kuroo’s close friends can be here.”
They do as he says, apologizing before stepping out of the room with blunts between their fingers. Rin’s search doesn’t stop here. He trawls the crevices of the penthouse and hounds everyone for any possible sliver of information that they might have on Y/n’s whereabouts. To no avail. She’s no longer here. And if he were to bet on something, it would be that she left almost immediately after he left her there alone and would probably rather not lay eyes on him for the time being.
So, Rin returns to Kuroo’s room and sits on the right side of the bed, feeling the place where she had lain before.
“It was meant to be you.” He mutters, his throat wound tight around the words. “This year was supposed to start with you.”
He watches the fireworks pain the night into day, all the while trying to resist the urge to text or call her. He lies to himself saying this is what has to be done if he wishes for them to remain as tightly knit as they’ve been since they met. His lips throb with want for the feeling of hers as he deceives himself into cowardice because doing otherwise would mean risking everything all over again.
Remember when I said they’d never kissed before? Yeah, I lied so they didn’t have to. 
Taglist: @kurookinnie​ This is so late I’m sorry! 
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satoujo · 7 months
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!disclaimer none of the works featured on this blog belong to me. all reachable creators were asked for permission to have their work linked on here
main directory
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OIKAWA TŌRU
➵ series: story consisted of multiple chapters
➵ one-shot: a single piece of standalone work; can be any length, such as from 1k to 80k words
➵ drabbles: short piece of writing; typically under 1k words and usually around 100 words
➵ blurbs & others: small short description, headcanons, etc.
❀ = fluff ⋆˚ ✧ = angst ⋆˚ ♡ = smut ⋆˚ ✄ = crack
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SERIES
tba
ONE-SHOT
tba
DRABBLE
tba
BLURBS & OTHERS
HEADCANONS
oikawa with a sibling dating ushijima // dating kageyama (❀) by @luvring
PROMPTS
first fight (❀) by @augustinewrites
updated: dec 02, 2023
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spir1tfar3r · 2 years
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summary: while you wished for the regular high school experience with your boyfriend, tooru oikawa was way too focused on his volleyball career and you finally stand up for yourself
words: 877
a/n: hiiii this is my little fic for the meant to be yours collab <33 i procrastinated so fucking badly with this but I like how this turned out!! I’ll try to be more active whenever I can but work is stressful as hell </3
© kodzurin 2022– plagiarism, reposts, or anything related or copying isn’t allowed.
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Dating Oikawa was nothing close to easy. Sure he was a great boyfriend when he wanted to be. Other times, however, he was too focused on volleyball to acknowledge your presence or do “couple” things anymore. You didn’t mind at the start of the relationship. You both spent time with each other and even though some of that was going to visit him at practice, you still got to see him. Though, as this year rolled around he gave you a heads up that he’ll be more focused on his career since this was his last year of being able to go nationals. And, as months pass you start to see your boyfriend less and less. Many thoughts flooded your mind like “maybe he doesn’t care for me anymore” but the one that came up the most was simply “why can’t we be teenagers in love?”.
Sitting on his bed, you watched as he paced back and forth, talking on the phone with Iwaizumi about how all they have to do is beat Karasuno and Shiratorizawa to get to nationals. He’d occasionally look at you and mouth an “I’m sorry” with a smile as if he could feel how impatient you had become. You’re not sure when it became enough but soon you found yourself taking his phone and hanging up on his best friend. His smile had been replaced with a frown as you handed his phone back to him. “Y/n! We’re trying to—”
“Talk about going to nationals. Yes I’m aware. That’s all you ever talk about anymore, Tooru.” You replied, sighing as you sat back down on his bed. “You know I support you and I’m so proud of how far you’ve come but sometimes it feels like you don’t care about us anymore. I mean, when was the last time we did anything together?” You asked and he looked confused, not sure if this was some sort of trick question.
“We’re doing something together now?” He answered and you rolled your eyes with a shake of your head.
“You were on the phone when I got here and you’ve been on it for an hour now.” You’re sure you sounded harsher than you had attended by the way he, in a way, winced. “I want to be able to be a normal couple with you, Tooru. Please don’t think that I’m asking you to stop doing volleyball or you can’t be worried about your career but when you blow me off everytime, it hurts. I don’t think we’ve had an actual conversation in months, even though we walk to school together.”
“I have one last real chance of being able to go to nationals, Y/n. I can do “couple things” after. My team needs me to be focused and do whatever I can to get them there.”
“No, your team needs you to take care of yourself and not focus so much on a game where you’re tiring yourself out by staying god knows how long after practice and injuring yourself.”
“You don’t get it. I can’t just stop doing this because you want attention.” He snapped.
“I want attention? Are you kidding me?” You asked with a frown. “I have been supporting you and your volleyball career since we started dating. I went to games before because I wanted to see you guys get far and maybe make it to nationals. I have asked you to what? Go shopping for summer clothes, go camping with my family, go freaking bowling when I know you didn’t have games and you had down time? You picked your game over me, Oikawa. And it genuinely feels like you don’t care anymore.” You weren’t even sure when you started crying during that but the way Oikawa’s face fell and he gently took your hand and pressed a kiss to it.
“I’m sorry, y/n. I didn’t mean to make it seem like I don’t care about you or our relationship. I want to be able to do things with you. Tomorrow is more than likely my last day playing volleyball in high school and I promise, whether we make it or not, I’ll do whatever I can to remind you that I love and care about you. I want to be with you and I want you to know that I’ll always choose you over something as silly as volleyball.” Oikawa didn’t expect you to believe him, especially after he’s acted like this but when he saw you nod and lean your head onto his shoulder, the breath that he didn’t know he was holding was finally let out.
“I’m holding you to that, Tooru Oikawa.” You said, looking up at him and he gave you a small smile, kissing your forehead.
“Do you want to make brownies and watch a movie?” He asked and you raised an eyebrow.
“Don’t you mean popcorn?”
“Nope.” He replied, making the “p” pop. He stood up and took your hand, pulling you up with him. “I’m in a brownie mood and I don’t have popcorn so we’re going to make those instead.”
“You’re an idiot”
“But I’m your idiot.” He corrected as he walked towards the kitchen and you laughed.
“That you are, Tooru. That you are.”
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❥ Taglist:
@volexis @anejuuuuoy @akugyu @astro-pioneer @amarinthe @tendous-queen @6sakusa
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kurosukii · 2 years
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𝐛𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐚
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a/n : surprise 👁👁 i just had to because when this song was released, this idea was all i could think of 😩 (dw this o&e oikawa au has a happy ending i'm just too lazy to write it HHHH) um yeah pls accept this offer of my return-ish here 🫶
☀︎ MINORS DNI 18+ ONLY — angst (shocking i know 👀), loss of virginity, pregnancy (not super explicit and detailed but still not meant for below eighteen). 519 words. (really just testing if i still got it tbh)
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oceans and engines was made for you and oikawa tooru as he was about to leave you and everything behind for argentina.
it was the song that was playing in the background, where it was just the two of you and no one else mattered—pretty big feat for sendai international airport that carries the weight of thousands of footsteps on the daily.
two things were very blurry that day—both yours and oikawa’s eyes that were caused by the tears and the whole ordeal of walking him to the entrance of the departure area, him leaving you with one last salty kiss as he walked away from you and what you had, his back ramrod straight as he dragged his feet through the doors.
you could feel him returning everything to you in that kiss. all the memories, pain, laughter, kisses—his love.
your last night together was as cliché as it can get to any two eighteen year olds who have to end their relationship—not because they want to but because distance and uncertainty required you to.
memories of his lips tracing over every inch of your skin, deft fingers holding you as if you were the one leaving him for a country across the globe, leaving him for a future he wasn’t—isn’t a part of.
it was bittersweet, in all honesty. the sharing of two bodies, all entangled in between the sheets as you held on to his shoulders, pulling him towards you, for him to melt into your body so he wouldn’t leave, leave you and everything that was ever familiar—safe—to him.
but you’re brought back to reality when he thrusts one last time, his groan lost to your lips as his hands squeeze yours so hard that you whimper both from the pain and pleasure, legs squeezing his lithe waist as you orgasm around him.
the tears cascading down your cheeks are hot, as hot as his cum that’s filling you up. but the thrilling sensation of being careless isn’t enough to deter you both from knowing that this is the first and last time that you’ll be doing this—basking in each other’s love and pain and wonder.
not when he reluctantly pulls away, not when he cleans and wipes you down, not when he’s kissing your thighs and belly with a gentleness that’s only meant for you, and certainly not when you see his silhouette disappear amongst the throng of nameless people.
you’re only deterred by what you and oikawa have done when the answer is given to you in two weeks, in the form of two glaring red lines, and the sense of dread as the sky practically falls over your head and entire being as you slowly sit yourself to the floor, the feeling of the cold bathroom tiles being the only thing piercing through the numbness coursing through your body.
when both of you said that you’ll always be a part of each other, you didn’t think that fate would play her sick and twisted game—weaving yours and oikawa’s threads so tight and coiled that the end is the same as the beginning.
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spencerrxids · 2 years
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moonlight
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pairing : kuroo tetsuro x izumi akari (oc), past! oikawa tooru x izumi akari (oc)
summary : in which izumi akari was supposed to be the star player in women’s volleyball history. she was a prodigy. she had her future set in the stone or so she thought. the once player from kitagawa daiichi ended up being a manager for the team she have found family in, karasuno. just when she thought her story was ending, a certain orange-haired boy appears along with a very familiar face as the new addition to the team.
or in which akari meet faces that once was a part of her past along with the ones that would become a part of her future. the story of the second year manager of karasuno.
tags : slowburn, fluff, there will be angst too, friends to lovers type of beat, kuroo being a chemistry nerd, akari being an older sister figure for everyone (more tags will be added as the story goes on)
a/n : hi! so i’ve been writing this one for such a long time but just recently rewriting the whole thing and do it the right way(?) so yeah it would eventually cover all of the seasons. this will be a slowburn since i don’t wanna just focus on the progress between kuroo and akari but also her dynamic with almost everyone in the show. i hope you’ll enjoy this.
masterlist
chapter 01 : waxing crescent
posted on 23th april
in which akari meets the new addition to the team. one that she is already familiar with.
chapter 02 : three plus three is one
posted on 23th april
the three on three game between tanaka, kageyama, hinata and daichi, tsukishima, yamaguchi.
chapter 03 : pluto
posted on 25th april
in which akari finally meet faces from her past during the karasuno-aoba johsai practice game
chapter 04 : his name is tokyo
posted on 2nd may
in which a certain boy with a weird hairstyle finally makes an appearance
chapter 05 : a serotonin fact
posted on 9th may
the nekoma vs karasuno practice game but let’s add an awkward fluffiness between akari and kuroo
chapter 06 : peace means i love you
posted on 20th may
a late night interaction between the two past lovers
more chapters to be written
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rosze-v · 2 years
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birthday boy
pairing: Oikawa Tooru x Reader
synopsis: Celebrating his birthday all alone, or so you thought
tw: fluff, MANGA SPOILER (but only like a place spoiler), slight suggestive theme but really minor, little bit of angst
w.c: 1.3k
a/n: Halu! I don’t really know what to feel about this one, but I was just bored, and needed to write something. I don’t think I did well here but, its okay! I’ve been playing Valorant a lot lately, and it has been fun, I wish I have someone I can play with. Anyway! have fun reading this!
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text: happy birthday tooru, take care of yourself.
And sent. You stare at your phone, head empty, and not believing you just sent that. It has been 3 months, since you broke up with the volleyball player. 3 months of living in auto pilot in the morning, and complete breakdowns at night. You have loved, and maybe if you weren’t ignoring your heart, you could admit you still love him.
You met Oikawa when he came over to Argentina, and walk into the bakery you work at. What you noticed from him first was the proud smirk on his face, and his tall build. You immediately knew to steer away from him because the first thing he did when he saw you at the counter was to say, hi pretty can I get your number?  
But what you didn’t know at the time was that he had been watching you for so long. He had his eyes on you the first time he saw you giving out bread samples outside of the bakery. Oikawa thought you were so cute, but he didn’t want to mess it up by being greedy, so he observed you. Yet the result of his observation was replied with how can I help you today sir.
And ever since that day, Oikawa had tried his hardest to take you out, and you gave in. You gave in, and said yes to the best date you have ever went. Oikawa brought you to a beautiful restaurant for your first date, and you guys talk so much, the restaurant have to chase you guys away. You never expected the flirty, cocky-looking man you detest so much, had so much in common with you.
So that was the story of how you dated Oikawa, the man who kept your heart in cages.
Remembering your time with him send a striking pain through your chest. The beach was quite cold, but the starry night is comforting enough for you. You glance at the clock in your phone, and realized that its 12.10. You turn to your right, and take the box of cake, placing it on your lap. When you open the box, you could see a simple white cake, with blue writing of Happy Birthday. Birthdays were always special to you; well, it became special when Oikawa introduced it to you. Growing up, you didn’t celebrate your birthdays much, because no one really cares. So, when Oikawa found out that he missed your birthday because you couldn’t care less to tell him, and he found out the reason why, he made sure that all celebrations be it birthdays, Halloween, whatever it is, will be celebrated.
So, here you are, trying to place the candles in the cake, trying to celebrate the birthday of your ex. You were trying to lit up the candles when a voice startles you.
“You’re gonna burn yourself that way”. You immediately turn around, eyes wide, and body freezing. Though your body relaxes immediately when it was the birthday boy himself.
“Tooru…”. You whispered as Oikawa sit down beside you, taking the cake into his lap, and lighting up the candle himself. He was silent, and you were silent as you take in the sight in front of you. Oikawa’s hair was much longer now, he had it tied. There were stubbles, and little moustache. He looked thinner than before, and yet you couldn’t help but breathe him in. He still smells the same, his voice still sounds the same, and you could only stare at him.
He turned around to face you, placing the cake back into your lap. He was trying his best to not meet your eyes, but he couldn’t help it, he missed the way your eyes misses his. Slowly, Oikawa looks up, and immediately his heart thrums loud in his ears. He misses you so much, it took everything in him not to squeeze you in his arms. It was silent again, the both of you gazing into each other, wondering, what the hell happened.
“happy birthday to you”. You sang suddenly, as you lift the cake up in front of Oikawa.
“happy birthday to you”. Oikawa’s lips who were straight, and emotionless before, curled up slowly.
”happy birthday to my Tooru, happy birthday to you”. Oikawa blew the candle, closing his eyes, pretending to make a wish, when in fact, he was trying his best to hold onto his tears because you called him, my Tooru. When he opens his eyes, he notice your wet cheeks, and you trying to wipe away your incoming tears.
“I'm sorry (y/n)”. Oikawa blurted, and you could only shake your head.
“It was my fault Tooru”.
“No, it wasn’t your fault! I was just not listening to you.” Oikawa admits, as he slowly took your hand into his.
“But I wasn’t understanding enough.” You said, remembering the reason the both of you broke up. It was just something silly, you realize that you and Oikawa have not spend any time together, and he was ignoring your texts, and calls. When you demand answers, he got angry at you, and telling you that he’s too busy. You, of course, apologized first, but then it continues happening, and eventually, the both of you broke up.
“No, baby, I was just…”. Oikawa sighs, rubbing his face in frustration. “I was only looking at myself, and thinking that you will be alright”. He whispered.
“And, I was such a dick to you, and I…, I let you go”. Oikawa couldn’t hold in his tears anymore, he was feeling such intense emotions, and he just wants, no he needs you back so much. Seeing him so broken claws into your heart, as you squeeze his hand. You were going to speak up when Oikawa continues again.
“Please (y/n) … I really want you back. These 3 months were utter hell, I- I need you. I’ll do anything for you to come back”. You peer into his eyes, honesty, and determination were clear in his eyes.
But you can’t help but think of how lonely, and terrible it felt when he ignored you. “But Tooru… what happened was a huge problem you know”. Oikawa nodded in agreement.
“I completely understand that you’re busy, but I really don’t like it when you just ignore me, and the things I said. It felt like my words, and feelings don’t mean anything.” You whispered, looking down at your lap.
A hand extended in front of you as Oikawa places his hand on your chin, and held it up, so you were looking at him again. Gently, he places his hand on your cheek, rubbing circles on it. It felt so soothing, and you could feel yourself melting into Oikawa again.
“I’ll change for you. I’ll learn to listen, and I will learn to communicate better. Please… just give me another chance”. Oikawa pleading voice shakes your weak judgement, and after a few seconds you nodded. Immediately, Oikawa hug you, tight and strong as he sighs in delight.
“Fuck, I miss this baby”. You could only chuckle as you rub his back, and inhaling his scent.
“I miss you too my Tooru”. Oikawa unlatches himself from you as he shows you his grin.
“So, I’m your Tooru?”. Oikawa said, pulling your hand up to his cheek, as you rub his cheek, and then his head. You pull his head to you gently, letting your foreheads touch.
“You’re my Tooru”. He giggles, elated at your words, and getting you back. He stares at your lips, a desire burns in him, but he shakes his head, which confuses you. He quickly pecks your lip, wanting to hold onto his desire, that’s for later, he thought.
“Can we eat my cake at home?”. Oikawa stood up, holding onto the cake box in one hand, while the other held out for you to reach.
“Who said that cake is for you?”. You teased, as Oikawa pout, his lips jutted out, and eyebrows scrunched. You laughed, as you held onto his hip while he naturally places his arms around your shoulder.
“Yeah, yeah, that’s your cake birthday boy. I made it for you.”
“Hell yeah! We boutta get cake wrecked baby!”. The both of you laughed out loud, hearts connecting once again, and under the stars of July, you celebrated another birthday.
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zorosprincess · 1 year
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Dirty Laundry
Pairing: Oikawa Toru x Reader
Word Count: ~0.6k
Genre: Angst
Warnings: crying, healing from a breakup
Summary: You returned my shirts to my mailbox fresh and clean. I don’t know if you did so to be nice or to be mean. To be a good guy, give back what’s mine, fold my dirty laundry or with your detergent wash my clothes and your hands of me.
Part Five of Desiderium
A/N: If dialogue is in blue, this is irl something that was said to me or by me. Thank you for being here live for my therapy.
PLEASE READ ALL WARNINGS AND THE AUTHORS NOTE ON THE MASTERLIST ON MY BLOG BEFORE READING
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Swapping things like jackets became commonplace between Toru and I while we were dating. I never wore the right size jackets so he tended to leave me with his and steal mine in their place. A constant swap. I never was lacking a jacket that smelt like him.
He made me a promise, early in the relationship when he realized that I found comfort in the way he smelled, when he noticed how no matter how stressed I was, I would feel better when I buried my face into his chest and inhaled deeply, finding myself surrounded with him. He made me a promise to always have a jacket of his, no matter what. To have a shirt of his to sleep in. As long as he could steal a jacket of mine in return.
It was like that until the end. Like how it was now. Two weeks later. Crashing in a friend’s spare room. And staring at the small box in front of me. He’d left it on our friend’s doorstep for me to find. A few items of clothing that had gotten mixed into his in the move. One week after I’d seen him last. A jacket of mine laid neat on top.
I glanced over at the jacket of his in my closet, the white fabric burning my eyes from its spot there. He’d let me keep that one too. And the shirt of his that I used to sleep in the most.
I’d already packed all of my jackets by the time he’d broken up with me. The day after, I sat staring at the vacuum-sealed bag with the pile of my jackets stuffed inside of it. It was going to be cold soon and I’d made a conscious thought the day before to pack all of my jackets, assuring myself that I’d be able to just use one of his for a week or so until I could unpack mine in a new apartment.
He’d walked into our room quietly, trying to not disturb me more than he had already. Watched me glare at the jackets, building up the energy to open it, unseal the bag and dig out the one I wanted before doing it again. It was like he could read my mind. I always hated that about him. He knew more about me than anyone else. More than even I did sometimes.
“You were going to use one of mine. Right?” I winced at the implication that I’d assumed that I would be able to.
“I’m just building up the energy. It’s okay.” My voice was quiet. Scratchy from the crying, the sobbing and begging and screaming. I winced at the sound of it.
“You can still use one.” He sighed and walked over to a box of his things. “Here.” He opened the box and revealed the contents to be his jackets. “Pick one to have.”
I was hit with another wave of sadness that I couldn’t quite explain. “I can’t.” I shook my head and tried to keep myself from crying. I didn’t need to force him to give me something of his.
He sighed and dug around for a little bit. The white sleeve he tugged on revealed the rest of the hoodie easily. “Here, take this one.” He piled the fabric into my arms and I couldn’t help the hurt that panged through me. He meant it to be nice. A comfort. But the fabric wouldn’t even smell like him, he- “I never wear it anyways so you can keep it.” I knew that fact, which is why the sinking feeling was in my stomach.
It was backhanded assistance. The help that hurt the most. I would rather freeze.
The box I was staring at now had the same effect. A box with things of mine that had been caught up in his things. Some of my clothes. Washed. I didn’t know if he was trying to be nice, to be the good guy and give back what was mine. Fresh and clean and folded. Washed with the last of the detergent I’d had. None of it even smelt like him. Not even like his detergent.
I knew he meant it to be nice. But it felt mean.
It was all me. Like he left no trace of himself.
Like he wanted to wash his hands of me.
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A/N: free therapy yk…
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theglitterypages · 2 years
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A major (?) Spoiler for next chapter of Fly High
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satoruii · 2 months
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TELLING YOUR BOYFRIEND THAT YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM // HAIKYUU SETTERS
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summary: you act like you're confessing to them for the first time. HAIKYUU SETTERS ft. KAGEYAMA, OIKAWA, KENMA, ATSUMU
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