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thinkingback-movingforward · 5 years

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2017

Sunday. May 21, 2017.

I'm here again. I'm finally here, it took a while, but I'm back. I've felt alright a few times, but this time it's different. I honestly feel good vibes emitting from my personal aura. There's no exact reason for it either. I can't pinpoint a moment within the past two days that changed my mood around drastically, but I'm not complaining. I want to stay like this, if not forever, at least for a little while longer.

Monday. May 29, 2017.

*news update

This past week I reconnected with Jean Urbano. It's honestly been a great week. The best week of the year, by far. Fun. Laughs. Drinks. Bikes. Sweet. Drunk. Bittersweet. These are the words that come to my mind right now; also, "strictly platonic".

I keep thinking to myself, what if? What if I wasn't being weird and stupid and we became close before? We're literally neighbors, like 4 houses down. I probably would've seen her every day or every other day. I regret that. Maybe we could've been something. Maybe not. Maybe she would've pushed me to be someone great. Maybe not. Maybe she would've ended up being the one. Maybe not.

But she is a catch. If you have someone like her, keep her.

I've always had a crush on her. I've always liked how she dressed. Her laugh is cute. She fucking bikes, like come on fam. She's still the same as before. Just better, obviously.

At least we're friends again.

Thursday. June 1, 2017.

You're the only reason I'm regretting this move. You're the only reason I want to stay on this block, three houses away. I've had all these years, but only realized how good I could've had it, now that's it's too late.

Friday. June 2, 2017.

I'm trying to find solace in romantic films, but I think it's having the opposite effect.

*update*

After hearing Jean's amazing surprise story, I'm starting to feel a bit better. She is an amazing woman, and an amazing girlfriend and Jose is lucky to have her. They are both lucky to have and, they definitely, deserve each other.

Wednesday. June 7, 2017.

Technically, it's the next day as I'm writing this.

She came over, exhausted from the night before she rested after we talked a little bit. We were supposed to do work.

She said she could feel herself starting to get sick. Her throat hurt and her body ached. All I wanted to do was take care of her. I wanted to cuddle with her and rest with her, but I can't.

I made her some tea, got her water, and put on music. I thought listening to her favorite band would make her feel better. And as much as I tried to, I couldn't sleep.

As we lay, at one point she woke up. We started talking again. About life and us and little jokes here and there. When I'm with her, I have all this energy. I have to be completely exhausted to fall asleep with her there.

I tried my hardest all night. I didn't touch her. I didn't comfort her. I stayed my distance. She would turn to her side, head rested on her arm and look at me as I did the same. I can't help but smile when I look at her. That image, what I would do to wake up to that very same image of her every morning. If she could be the first and last thing I see every day and night, I would be the happiest guy in the world.

If I could ever have her, I would never let her go.

At the very last half hour before she left, it happened. Nothin wild or sexual, she moved closer to me and as our elbows overlapped, we got closer and I spooned her. I was trying to contain myself all night, but I'm glad I got to embrace her again.

I finally got to feel the warmth of her body again. I got to feel our fingers, intertwining and mingling. I could feel my heart race, just by being closer to her. I wonder if she could feel my breath on her neck, or how nervous and excited she makes me feel. I wanted to kiss her so badly. I don't even think she knows I didn't particularly mean on the lips either. That whole night, I was thinking when would be a good time to kiss her forehead, but I never got to do it.

I wonder if this is real. Is this love?

I've only ever felt like this one other time.

Then why do I feel like I don't fit in to her story.

I want to say, I love her. But how can I even say that? I wonder if she feels the same way... how can I love someone when we just reconnected two weeks ago. Why is this so natural. Why do I feel so at ease around her. Why is she so fucking awesome. Why am I not?

It's hard for me to feel confident when she is an adult, has a degree, and a career? I don't even have my license... I haven't graduated... and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

I feel I need to up my game a lot, even though I know deep down she doesn't care about all that, and she does care about me. Obviously she would want what's best for me but you know what I mean.

She never judged me.. how did I lose such an important person? I'm glad she's back. I'm glad she's back in my life, regardless of how bittersweet she makes me feel at times. I like grabbing food, and drinking, and playing games, and staying up late with her. I like her presence. I like her petite body, and thin hair. I like that she bikes and can keep up, or even be way ahead of me. I like how adventurous she is, although she is sometimes reckless. I like her awkward turtle posture, and her cat smile; which is funny because she has turtles and cats as pets. I like her banged up legs, she works hard and goes hard. I like that she's so charming, as you can see from all the people around her. I like her.

I love her.

Thursday. June 8, 2017.

How did she quickly become one of my favorite people? 10 years later, how everything has changed, yet nothing changed between us.

Saturday. June 10, 2017.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate that I love you.

I HATE YOU

is what I want to say,

But I love you. Fuck me. I actually do love you.

Friday. June 16, 2017.

She dropped me home after a long day and had a great dinner. We were so full. I want to throw up.

But, she dropped me home and we stayed in the car a little bit. I stared at her as she stared at me. It sucks. I felt like she wanted to kiss me. I felt like she actually wanted me to kiss her, but I knew it wouldn't happen. I would've loved to kiss her. I wanted to brush her hair back and grab her head and kiss her. I wish she was mine, but at the same time I don't feel she belongs with me. Maybe it's my lack of self confidence. I feel like I'm not good enough for her. I wonder what she even sees in me, if she sees anything at all.

Regardless of everything, I love her, and I want her to be happy.

Saturday. June 17, 2017.

I'm not mentally strong. At all.

Why am I sitting in my closet, surrounded by darkness and faint music, tearing up at thoughts and feelings that I chose myself.

I'm hurting myself, actually. I can't blame her for anything.

I'm crying and I can't really pinpoint the exact reasons why.

"No matter what lies you tell yourself, you can't fool your own heart."

Sunday. June 18, 2017.

I guess, who I want is, someone that can make me be goofy and carefree and not care about what everyone else is thinking of me, as I laugh with her and we're caught between each other's gazes, living in the moment.

*update

I invited Jean over to a family friend barbecue. I'm not really sure what I was thinking haha. Obviously the only reason you invite someone else over of the opposite sex is if you're seeing them and that's not what is happening here. I see her, a lot actually, but I'm not dating her. I would love to though. I maybe even love her. I just know I can't deny how I feel when I look at her. I feel bittersweet, parts of happiness and parts of sadness.

Monday. June 19, 2017.

It suddenly started pouring and thundering. All I'm picturing is us running through the rain, laughing and having fun; then showering together, and then getting all cozy on the couch wrapped up in a big comforter.

You. I wish I could do that with you. I wish you would have these thoughts of doing cute shit with me also, but...

I'm starting to reach that point where it does bother me when she mentions his name and shit, but that's her boyfriend so.

Tuesday. June 20, 2017.

It's technically Tuesday, it's 12:37 AM.

I wish you would call me, and even if we run out of things to say, you would lay there in the silence as we fall asleep.

Jose is lucky, or maybe I'm unlucky, or maybe this is God's plan. Maybe he thinks she can impact me in a non significant other type way, or maybe he is cynical and wanted to show me what I missed out on.

I hate you because I love you.

Thursday. June 22, 2017.

I didn't get to write about it, but Tuesday was an awesome night. I think it was greatly contrasted by my terrible day, leading to a more awesome night.

My friend, Juan, invited me to be part of ENI's entourage. ENI is an upcoming star! Her single Kissing in the Dark Is already so popular, but I digress.

By going to the event, I met a lot of cool people, such as Laura, Arthur, Pat, and ENI herself. I think it's cool what creatives do and how they're all so different, but all hustle to do something more with their lives. I want to be like them. I want to be part of the creative world. All I need to do is act upon what I want to do.

Tuesday. July 18, 2017.

It's been a while. I guess things are okay. I still love her. My feelings are there. Every time I see her. Every single small conversation we have, even the meaningless ones aren't meaningless at all.

I guess I'm more understanding and I just don't want to be hung up on someone that I can't end up with. But I love her, and I love that she is back in my life. She's a great person, and an amazing friend.

Thursday. July 27, 2017.

Jean. Why are you at my house?

Why did you call me and drive to me just because Jose was already asleep? Why didn't you just go home? Why did you sleep here? Maybe because to 'get some work done' which you didn't do since you were drunk from Angelo's birthday dinner.

I just want to know why.

Why am I not trying to lay down in bed with you right now? Why am I forcing myself to not kiss you right now? These are questions with answers. I don't have any for my questions. (Well, I'm lying. I know you said if you went home you would not have gotten the papers graded, but to be fair, I wrote this whole thing before we graded the papers)

Do you like me? Do you like our friendship? Do you like taking care of me? Do I love you?

I do. I love you.

Sunday. July 30, 2017.

Party. Biking. Fountain. Ticket.

I love her.

I kind of know she doesn't, and I can't help but think I'm fucking weird.

It hurts.

It's been a while since I laughed and had fun in a fountain, I think two years. Was it worth freezing afterwards and getting a $30 ticket because I didn't realize I was supposed to say no to having my ID? It was worth every second and every cent.

*update

"Everyone has had hard experiences in their life. We have to go forward, loving ourselves as a whole, including our weaknesses."

Wednesday. August 9, 2017.

It's been a while since I wrote anything. As of right now I'm currently facetiming with Jean. We do this from time to time, just facetiming whenever she has the time to; either when she's driving or late at night or shopping at Walmart.

I enjoy these times with her. It's hard not to look at her and just want to smile.

Bury these feelings deep down, and love her as a friend.

Thursday. August 10, 2017.

24 inches. 18 inches. 6 inches. Those are the different amounts of distances between both of our lips as we lay on the couch watching the movie.

I so badly wanted to just grab her hand, or grab her face and kiss her. I want to so bad. But...

She just left. Last night was great. It was the first time we rode our new bikes together. I missed biking with her. I miss the feeling. I miss living closer to her.

We saw The Lobster, which was a lot more surprising than I thought. It was definitely an unexpected movie in a good way. I like sharing a couch with her, there's something about having her next to me.

I am lowkey, probably not lowkey for her, trying to win this challenge. I want to go out with her for dinner and drinks, if she lets me redeem that prize.

I wish I could at least have the drumroll. When the mood seemed alright, I would grab her and look at her and go for it, but slowly, as I approach closer and closer to lips, and right before they touch, we stop.

Friday. August 11, 2017.

It happened. I didn't expect it to be like this or for it to happen like this, but it happened. We need to stop talking.

Jean told Jose I was in love with her, which after reading my previous notes, is fair. I am in love with her.

But now we can't talk. I'm not really sure yet how I feel about it besides that it's shitty, and this sucks and I FUCKING HATE IT.

I love talking to her, even about miscellaneous things. I like telling her about my day. I like hearing about hers. I like being emotional with her. I love that I'm about 97% always smiling when I'm with her or talking to her. I feel like I'm losing a big part of me, and our silence hasn't happened yet.

I don't know if I'll last. I don't think my feelings for her will ever go away. They will always be there. I wish my feelings weren't an inconvenience, but to be honest, I like that she knows how I feel about her.

I shared my notes about her over the past two and a half months, after some

nagging and persuasion. I don't regret sharing them, although I thought I would at first. I simply watched her as she was reading through my notes. I'm not entirely sure how she feels about all of them. All I saw were tears and that it's all so heartbreaking.

I'm currently facetiming with her, but she fell asleep. Honestly I'm surprised she even lasted this long. She deserves a good night's rest.

She is beautiful. She always looks beautiful. It's not even my skewed vision of how I see her, she is just naturally beautiful.

I know she feels Jose is her grand finale, but then why do I feel like she's mine? Is is wrong to feel that way? If I ever, ever, EVER, had a chance to be hers. I WOULD NEVER FUCKING LET GO.

I feel like this is all just my bullshit selfish brain talking now.

I'm glad she's happy. I'm glad she feels Jose is her 'one' because it's not everyday that people feel that. If you're ever lucky enough to have that feeling, go for it. I want her to be happy and I know she wants me to be happy, which is probably why she blames herself and she feels selfish and sort of an asshole. I don't blame her at all, for anything. These feelings are my feelings and I love her.

But what can you do?

Also, since I shared my notes with her. I kind of want to move them back, but I kind of also want to leave them there, incase she wants to go back and read them anytime, during our silence.

I don't think she knows the power and effect she has on me, not only physical and emotionally, but mentally.

I don't think anyone that I truly care about knows how much they affect me.

I have no energy. I had no real appetite earlier. I had no motivation to go to the gym. I hope it's just today. I don't want to let Jean down, but I also don't want to let myself down. I want to prove that she has made a positive impact. She won't be like everyone else in my life. I knew she this would have to come eventually, not being able to talk all the time, I just need to try my best and not let it affect me too much.

I'm stronger now, and I'd like to think she has affected me within these past few months.

Saturday. August 12, 2017.

I got a photo from Jean. That surprised me, but I was so happy. First of all, I don't have any pictures of her, like at all. Second, she looks so bomb! Oooo that blue velvet (?), I always forget what type of material that is, dress is fire! She got cuuuuurves!

*update

I wake up and get a text from her saying, "I broke my arm."

LIKE, WHAT? YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT AND NOTHIN ELSE.

I hope she's okay.. how did she break her arm?! What..

I hope she's okay...

*update, she's fine

*update

I just left Nina's Body and Pole party. It was great, and definitely a different experience.

I don't know why I'm like this, but so can't seem to be normal. I tried, but I felt like I was trying to avoid Jean and Jose. I hate when I can feel and notice what I'm doing. She probably feels the same way, knowing that I was kind of avoiding them.

It's hard. I knew it was hard before, but I guess I didn't reallly see them together, that much, before. But it makes sense, the two don't really know Nina so it's obvious they would stick together.

(Side note: Jose and Jean were killing it out there to be honest!)

I kind of wanted to stay with them and have fun, but I also kind of wanted to leave the group. But here I am now, on a train to Edison.

Monday. August 14, 2017.

I don't feel all there, I feel like I'm mentally regressing again...

I feel like I'm struggling, with something inside me. I just don't know what it is.

P.s. the rug was obviously sold out. I'm stupid.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm here in the middle of the food court in Jersey Gardens, eating this combo that I shouldn't have bought, and I feel like crying.

What is wrong with me..

Tuesday. August 15, 2017.

Yesterday was a great night. I actually had a heart to heart with Alfredo, finally. I also opened up a bit more to Jean, I feel like, emotionally. I feel that she's getting to know me more and more on a personal level from all our interactions, talks, and my notes. I'm not the best at confrontation, but it does feel nice to be bare and vulnerable, especially to someone that truly cares about you.

I cried, a bit much actually. I truly do appreciate my friends who let me cry, because sometimes I just can't hold it. I was always made fun of by my dad about how easily I cried when I was younger, so I try not to. Sometimes I get deep in my thoughts and they just come out.

We went out for drinks, and it was great to hang out with our trio again. I did miss Alfredo. We also met some cool people throughout the night. The rain killed our bike adventure, but I don't know if Jean would've lasted to be honest. (lol)

But she dropped me home, and I always like it when she stays over. I love when we're gazing at each other. I never know what she's thinking as she does, but I enjoy the moment.

I also got to hold her hand while we layed, not together obviously, I'm on the ground, but that got me happy as fuck.

Any physical touch we share, I appreciate. Whether it's a light hit when I mention her white frames or olympics, to her light caress of my face.

Sometimes I feel she's so close to me, yet so far away.

Wednesday. August 16, 2017.

I'm so impulsive lol.

I just bought a Saturday Afropunk ticket for Jean. This time I get to be with her the whole time! I'm excited.

Saturday. August 19, 2017.

I miss her.

I wonder if she misses me too.

It's only been a few days though.

What qualifies as needy?

I wish she would've just said to come downtown at 12. I would've gotten ready and came downtown so fast. Then she says she was denied permission...

Whatever that means.

I want to see her. I want to be in her presence right now. Not some awkward small talk presence, but our regular good vibes presence.

*update

Why don't I feel good right now?

I feel kind of...

I'm losing energy. I feel weak. I need a recharge.

*update

Who would have thought a nail cutter would make me upset? I guess it's just my low energy and stress right now contributing to the situation.

My dad was cleaning and I thought he put everything in my room, even this nail cutter, but it wasn't the right one. I ask him where's the nail cutter with the giraffe part and he says he didn't see it.

I get upset as I'm looking everywhere for it. Why do I even get upset? I would say it's because it's Jean's. She let me borrow it before, and I just never returned it. I guess, seeing as I don't have her, I like to hold on to anything that's a part of her.

At least I found it.

Am I going crazy?...

Sunday. August 20, 2017.

I'm eating McDonald's... I guess it's fine to back track once in a while. If I had a choice I wouldn't have but it's fine.

I hope she's having a fun time upstate! It sounds like a really fun time.

*update

I still think about her all the time. I wish we could go out into a sunflower field and dance under the sun.

Monday. August 21, 2017.

I don't know how to express into words how I'm feeling.

Wednesday. August 23, 2017.

I biked home in the rain, again. This time was a bit harder than the previous one. I hope I don't get sick again.

The thing is, I don't even mind the rain. I guess it's the fact that I'm still alone under this rainfall. It feels cold, and even colder when I know I'm coming home to nothing.

But one day, she'll be there. Whoever she may be. Making every trip under the rain full of laughter and smiles, and we'll find comfort and warmth in each others' presence.

My dad.. I feel like he has no care for anything that's ours anymore, as long as the house is fucking clean. I'm not missing anything major, but they are things I fucking use. I hate not knowing where my own shit is in my own house.

My parents didn't fuck up or anything, I'm just not mentally strong enough.

But I do promise, to my future children, I will do such a great job, along with your mother. Love will flow throughout our family, along with honesty and forgiveness. I promise to do my very best.

Thursday. August 24, 2017.

She is so beautiful, and she doesn't even know it, or at least doesn't want to accept it.

I know, whoever I marry, when I see my future wife come out and walk down the aisle. I will cry, without a doubt.

And whoever she ends up with, if not me, then I would like to be invited to her wedding to at least be able to witness her in all her glory. She will be so beautiful, and happy, god she better be happy.

No matter what, I'll love you. I'll always love you.

Friday. August 25, 2017.

I think, I'm starting to get over my feelings; or at least just realizing that I shouldn't have them and it's stupid hurting myself.

I can't rely on her for happiness. I should create happiness within myself. I don't even know who I am.

I'm sorry. Do I regret everything that has happened this summer? Not at all, but I'm sorry.

They look great together.

I don't even want to feel hopeful. I'm not even trying to, but part of me still is. I just want to not be hopeful and forget those feelings and just be okay with them two. I want to be able to hang out with her without it being a problem, on like some gay best friend type shit.

Plus, like I said to myself, I don't FIT IN with her life. I just don't. Things should stay how they are now, except with maybe a bit more talking lol.

Saturday. August 26, 2017.

Afropunk: Saturday was a success! If I do say so myself. I'm hella lit right now, she's knocked out, and definitely full as fuck lol.

My dad loves Jean, (why wouldn't he?!) and I have other relatives over too, what a great situation lmao.

She's amazing. I'm glad she spent the day with me. Even though she couldn't say no anyway.

I'm happy.

Part of me was like, I want her so bad right now. Part of me was like, come on man what are you doing? Part of me was like, ah I'm sorry. Part of me was like, kiss her, KISS HER!

It's been a while though, since I got to sleep next to her, or since I got to embrace her body. I could feel the warmth of her breath, as I inhale her air. I spooned her, and it was great. I miss the feeling of our bodies touching.

I don't even know if I mentioned that we ate $40 in churros at Afropunk, 15 churros each, 30 total. I'm pretty sure we spent a lot of money, but I'm reckless. I don't even think about money when it comes to her.

THANK YOU FOR AN AWESOME TIME ❤️

I'm not ready to give her up. I don't know how that sounds. I'm not ready to give up these feelings for her. I want these feelings to remain as strong as they can be for as long as possible, to be honest. Am I crazy? Yes. Am I stupid? Yes. But that's me.

Sunday. August 27, 2017.

WORTH IT. EVERY SECOND OF THIS WEEKEND WAS WORTH IT. EVERY FAT INCREASING FOOD AND DRINK, THE SORE KNEES AND FEET, MY LOSS OF VOICE, EVERYTHING WAS WORTH. THANK YOU.

Monday. August 28, 2017.

Sometimes, I'm up at night and I don't know what I feel like doing. I don't feel like sleeping, I don't feel like watching YouTube or a movie, and I don't feel like eating, so I waste time doing whatever, and I don't even really know what I'm doing but actually wasting time.

I should just sleep.

I wish I had a recording of her voice. Not of even anything specific, just talking. She should record herself reading a book. Just the audio would be fine too. I would love to listen and fall asleep to her voice every night. It would be awesome if she did some ukulele covers too. Hearing her sing every night, I would sleep great all the time.

I hope when she reads this note, whenever that is, this gives her some ideas. Wink~

Please?

lol

I laugh because I already know your answer

*update

... nevermind

*update

I can't wait to reach that point where I fully understand Jean and I are just friends and Jose let's us hang out and she can come over whenever she pleases, and she'll be my best friend.

If that could ever happen. I wish.

Tuesday. August 29, 2017.

I want to do random or spontaneous things with you.

A DIY succulent date, how awesome does that sound?

But what are the chances, we can't even play tennis together...

I'm sorry that every time there's an event or I want to do something, I want to experience it with you.

Thursday. August 31, 2017.

Note to self

Jean's first day/night in Miami. She said "Craziest thing ever happened I gotta tell you the whole story".

Nevermind, she just told that crazy coincidence of a story. It just seems like she's always lucky. Gods are shining down on her haha.

I haven't slept yet, and it's 6:00 AM.

I highkey wish you were here with me, just staying up, smoking and laughing, while helping me fold my clothes.

*update

God! I'm just trying to see this fire ass two piece picture of Jean. LIKE COME ON GIRL, SEND IT TO ME. You read all my notes and my vulnerable side. I'M TRYING TO SEE THIS SEXY MOTHAFUCKIN' PICTURE OF HER!!!!!

Just send it to me so I can heart eyes emoji all over that motherfucker and drool a little bit.

*quick update

She sent me the photo. For some reason, I thought it'd be more scandalous lol.

I find her extremely attractive. She's like a perfect mix of cool, sexy, and derpy.

Wednesday. September 13, 2017.

I'm sorry. I'm so selfish...

Saturday. September 16, 2017.

Arveen and Thai are going to Surf City tonight for the last night of it's opening.

I only want to go because of the small chance that I may see you after your baseball game, but I have a feeling he'll just give you a ride home or both of you will come down and I won't be able to talk to you.

I ended up going downtown to hang with the boys anyway. It's 12:23 AM and I am currently in an uber. I also have a double shift at work later today. Kill me.

I lowkey highkey hope I run into Jean downtown. That would be the best added bonus of my night.

Thursday. September 28, 2017.

I've actually been meaning to write for a while now. Things like, what I'm stressed about, how I feel physically and mentally, being sick and small anxiety moments, and feeling unfocused and unmotivated.

I'm not going to tell you I loaned Joe $160 so his wife could buy a nice dress and shoes for his sister's wedding on Friday.

I'm not going to tell you that I bike home with him because, timing wise, I missed the train and I had a lot of energy from winning those Vic Mensa tickets.

I'm not going to tell you I biked to our block because I honestly miss it. I miss Alfredo, I miss you, I miss being close by.

I'm not going to tell you that your latest Instagram post was super sweet, and that I feel some type of way.

I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to try hating you. It's probably for the best. I won't really text you for a while or maybe I'll be bland, and this should help. I lied. I probably will tell you this part, maybe, if it comes up; or I'll play it off and just keep saying "nothing's wrong", or "I'm fine". Which, technically, aren't lies, because I am fine, and nothing is wrong.

I'm happy for you, but I want to be truly happy for you. I want it to reach that point where we can hang out together with no problem or I can hang with you guys and me and Jose are actually friends, as much as you don't want that.

P.S.

I didn't meant to write this much.

Thursday. October 12, 2017.

I should've just stayed on the couch with her downstairs. The whole upstairs got me confused on what to do and I just can't fucking sleep. I mean I shouldn't do anything. Why am I so fucking weird? I don't fucking know.

Sunday. December 3, 2017.

I'm kinda sad

and I want a pizza.

I miss Jean.

I feel like I'm losing her

as a friend, again..

I know I'm not

a priority,

But I wish I was;

even a little.

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