#genuinely this will sustain me
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yeah yeah, yellowjackets this, succession that. you are all sleeping on the REAL important premiere this weekend
#genuinely this will sustain me#time team#!!!!!!!#haarping on#every time i wear a rainbow jumper i am like: for mick ashton :).
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coming out as a massively obsessive digital circus fangirl,,these little freaks have leeched onto my brain and I will be rocking in a corner mumbling to myself waiting for the next episode...
anyways here's the three stooges featuring my sister's jax design because it is super cool and awesome
plus some zoobie doodles because they r my fav 🫶
#nothing to sustain myself but content farm brainrot#I've watched an embarrassing amount of brainrot videos I'm lowkey entertained by them#a couple made me laugh so hard i almost puked but my sense of humor is sOOO bad I'll laugh at anything 😭😭#but yeah tadc got me genuinely tweaking i lovooeoee drawing all of them 🫶#the amazing digital circus#tadc#tadc pomni#tadc jax#tadc ragatha#tadc zooble#my art
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obviously "man who 'pretends' to be a woman so he can sneak into women's spaces and have sex w all of them" is a horribly transphobic thing ppl say but i think it's rly funny that it's an actual thing among cuttlefish with the addition of "and also the ladies are rly into it bc his amazing disguise skills and tenacity (sneaking into a much larger male's territory, willingness to bottom to keep up the disguise) show that he's a genetically superior mate" like there are many things humans can learn from the animal kingdom. i think Shapeshift/Crossdress Cuckolding is one of the things we should be looking into
#*furious pecking*#i mean this genuinely#i love it when animals do '''weird''' s*x stuff#i love how diverse the world is#i love it so much#the fujo bird has been sustaining me all day
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Y'all ready to be WRECKED about Petrigrof and/or Simon possibly getting destroyed by his Super Satan wife
#im so nervous/excited about tomorrow#i was seriously considering staying home to watch it but no#if simon leaves this series unscathed i would be genuinely shocked#i am expecting the cycle of saving the other and losing yourself to continue and if that doesnt happen. one of them probably die#fionna and cake#fionna and cake episode 9 and 10#fionna and cake finale#simon petrikov#betty grof#petrigrof#my toxic yuri is sustaining me#fnc
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i struggle to talk about this sometimes cause i feel like i sound like an entitled and spoiled piece of shit, but i think these are real problems that happen when ur life stops being a dumpster fire and its important to talk about how to navigate them
because my life right now is extreamly stable. i have a home i dont have to worry about ever being evicted from, i dont have to work in order to affort to live, i have the time, space, freedom, and support to do absolutely anything i want right now
and yet i find myself doing absolutely nothing. im so used to using stress and external threats, the threat of starvation, homelessness, abuse, being kicked out or fired or flunking, to motivate me that now that those things are gone and im in a safe environment that asks nothing of me, im just at a loss. i struggle to even wake up everyday without some kind of big consiquence as a motivater
and even when i do have ideas or inspiration as to what i want to do with my now endless hours of the day, i just. dont really know how to execute them. i dont know how to do things if its not in a crunch time manic haze.
i think my big goal this year is going to be to try and figure out how to navigate that and retrain my brain to be able to set more long term objectives and then follow through on accomplishing them. because i can feel myself becoming a more flakey and unreliable person who gets nothing done and just kind of Exists with no real reason or purpose and i reallyreally hate that
i finally have a life i dont want to kill myself to escape from and i just feel like im wasting it by not actually being present in it, u know?
#jack.speaks#i feel like the last 3 years happened in a depressed haze where weeks went by like days and i just kinda floated thru them#i havent accomplished something i was really genuinely proud of in a reallyreally long time#i know getting fired and not working has really contributed to that#i always get more depressed when im unemployed#but normally id have been forced to get a shitty job that makes me want to kms to get by already#but i didnt have to do that this time and i dont wanna just do that just to have a job#i want to do something thats like#actually sustainable and long term for me#but im. so bad at long term goals
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Cover construction for The silent isle imbowers, July-Aug 2023.
Finished binding here.
Materials shown: metallic gold and matte black heat transfer vinyl with cricut-cut designs, cricut-cut paper stencil, acrylic paint, bookcloth made of cotton + drawing paper backing + Lineco PVA glue. Calligraphy by quillingwords, flower art and cover construction by me.
————-General tips on how to make smth like this:
Steps in order were (1) have bookcloth, (2) cut and paint stencil, (3) cut and weed both HTV layers, (4) apply black HTV, (5) apply gold HTV, (6) add paint detail with paintbrush over the vinyl, (7) apply bookcloth to cover board.
This is not a beginner-friendly design LOL. Be like me and try most of the steps by themselves on other projects first.
I drew this design knowing how the sections would be layered, and which materials (and therefore colors) would go with each layer. Achieving a similar result with a premade design will likely require editing in a digital art program.
Test how your materials will layer before committing to a complex design. In this case I discovered that the type of bookcloth I made actually helps conceal the adhesive spread under the black HTV.
Layering HTV over small sections of acrylic paint works! Cannot confirm the result if you were to use large painted sections.
PSA This black layer with many very small pointy bits is at the extreme limit of what I think is possible to weed from machine-cut HTV. A different material might work better, and I got a lot faster at weeding the second copy than the first one, but some of this is just a technical limit. The gold section worked great but I would not recommend this for the black.
Layering HTV is much easier to do uniformly with a heat press! Check if your local library or maybe an art class studio has one you can use before doing smth like this with your iron.
Paper stencils are easy to make with the cricut but don’t try to use them for anything with small details. The above example is pushing it despite being very simple shapes. Stick-on stencils are better.
Tiny HTV design tip: designs with jagged sections and very thin lines are hardest to weed successfully. Smooth curves are much easier.
Scale all pieces of a stacked design on the same drawing program and within the same canvas in cricut so they layer precisely.
Cut tiny HTV designs with the washi paper setting on a cricut. I did not find this out myself but I can confirm the results! Using the HTV setting will cause the blade to catch on and pull up small sections of the design while cutting, ruining parts of the design.
—————-Tiny HTV design weeding tips:
For the love of cheese do not try anything this complicated the first time you use a cricut. or the second. you will cry
Seriously consider trying both HTV and cricut stencils before doing anything complicated like this. I wish I had at least attempted the black layer as a stick-on stencil.
This isn't a weeding tip but again you better cut this with a washi setting.
Use a very sharp weeding tool, good lighting, and consider a magnifying glass
Be prepared for this to take several hours, especially if you have never done a tiny piece before.
Important! The cricut does not perfectly cut out designs, leaving very small connected sections around the design at various locations. This is almost unnoticeable on large designs but can ruin tiny designs very easily. Be prepared to hold down the “keep” sections of the design with tweezers or a fingertip while pulling or trimming off some of the “remove” negative space.
Do NOT attempt to pull off all the negative space in a single piece. Either add dividing lines to your design for the machine to cut, or use a sharp tool to scrape them yourself. You are much less likely to accidentally remove part of your design if you weed the design in distinct sections.
#my art#bookbinding#work in progress#fanbinding#art tips#artists on tumblr#here there be fandom#long post#weeding the black layer was so. lol. I started the first one and was like I may have made a terrible mistake#renegade chat lighting candles for me#worth it!! also would hopefully come up with a more efficient stencil strategy instead next time!!#I normally post wip stuff on my side blog but figured this might be worth going on main#also the first wip photo looks neat so#only the vision of this fic being a Really Hecking Badass Book could sustain me thru 12 hours of weeding those black layers#my Learn Bookbinding Skills strategy is basically to choose an extremely ambitious project that excites me enough to keep me motivated#and then to just work on it for months because I am stubborn as all hell and genuinely find this fun instead of frustrating :D#tailfeather binding#id in alt text#described#update I have added ids!
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For dinner I made a ceasar salad, steak, and baked potatoes with butter, sour cream, chives, and rosemary asiago cheese. And for dessert I made cream puffs with raspberry whipped cream from scratch.
#me#food#tw ed talk in tags#there was a time when i was surviving off of cigarettes and one meal a day#so the fact that im currently eating 2-3 well rounded meals and encorporating 30 minutes- an hour of movement 6 days a week#is really something that im proud of#im doing what makes my body and mind happy and not punishing myself for sustaining my body#and i actually am starting to genuinely love myself#fucking wild#also im a really good cook/baker
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you put into words my same thoughts on the subject of aaron bushnell really well, thank you - its something i was struggling to conceptualise, as im both of the opinion that suicide is never a good thing and shouldnt be glorified, and that this is another life lost and is something tragic, whilst also not wanting imply that what he did was wrong or meaningless or to take away from his own autonomy, so i appreciate the way you went about explaining your thoughts on the matter
thank you so much for this ask! yeah it's something that's very painful imo, and i don't find it encouraging that so many people are cheering this on. what does that say to people like who i was, who felt like the only good they could do in the world would be after they die? i think instead of celebrating this tragic death, we should talk about hopelessness and regret, how people fall for propaganda that valorizes state violence or are forced by their material conditions into doing things that are against their morals, and what we as leftists can do to support those people. i think we also need to look at how death has (understandably) become the driving force of most leftist movements and uprisings in modern history, and that's not without merit of course, but we need to have a conversation about the effects of the fact that we only "say their names" after they've died or have otherwise had their autonomy stripped away. i think we need to talk about living people more, rather than only (mostly, you know what i mean) talking about palestinians, black people, jews, queer people, disabled people, poor people when they've become bodies to prop up, to add weight to our slogans
i was gonna put more here but i realized this is something that i could genuinely write a paper about, so i'll just sum it up like this: i believe it's the same obsession and valorization of martyrs and martyrdom that makes people doomscroll and traumatize themselves thinking they're doing good that also leads to self harm and suicide being used as protest tactics, and it's the same reason why so many people only know how to be politically active in reaction to a murder that made them learn racism still exists or a large-scale slaughter of civilians that made them learn that colonialism still exists, and then they burn themselves out and abandon long-term projects until the next visible tragedy. judaism states that we are to live by the torah, not die by it, and in my mind that applies here: live to fight another day
#it's especially hard bc. i can't think of a time when self immolation as protest actually directly caused tangible change? like a climate#activist did it in dc a few years ago and everyone talked about it for a few days and then it was business as usual. oil barons still run#the world. and we have one less climate activist to show for it. idk i think if your activism is done with the mindset of “i'm going to die#by my own hand before i see this done” it's not.... great#it seems to me that this was more an expression of anguish and regret than any genuinely informed hope to create change. which is sad. i#wish he had gotten the help he needed. now instead we have one less activist. warmongers don't care. thousands of people have been dying.#it's a tragedy and i wish so many people weren't applauding it#anarchist#activism#martyrdom#sustainable activism#mental health#aaron bushnell#asks#anonymous
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I'm never going to judge someone for what they read, write, or draw.
I am going to judge you if you're mean to them about it. Block. Report if you think it's necessary. Blacklist. Move on. Those are the only appropriate actions for you.
Wishing harm on an actual person is far worse than anything they could ever create.
#I'm not in a good mental place so i can't be as protective as i want#and i haven't found arguing to be productive#but if you dislike something i enjoy i just unfollow.#if you like something that hurts me i just unfollow.#that's usually about it!#I'm not above having a spat and I'm still a little concerned about real world implications of certain fans' media analysis abilities#but genuinely. let's go put this energy into educating about palestine#or hounding companies until they adopt more sustainable practices or something#I'm not saying feelings about words aren't valid I'm saying the energy seems better used elsewhere#you are not helping anyone. you are hurting people. full stop.#vent about it if you need to but purity culture does not help.#I'm gonna add this to my pinned post#i think this is why I'm on a few blocklists and it took me actual years to realize that
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Hi Pia!
You’ve probably had to explain this a hundred times already, but I’m new to your fandom so I’ve likely missed previous explanations. I was just wondering when will you be posting Underline the Silver?
I haven't needed to explain this much at all! But you also might not like the answer I'm afraid, because it's: 'I have no idea' but also 'really not very soon at all.'
It will likely start around the time that Underline the Blue or Underline the Gold come close to finishing, or Underline the Black finishes, which almost certainly puts it into early or mid 2024 at the earliest.
Underline the Red and Underline the Silver will both kick back off around the same time.
I currently have an extremely full slate which is nuts even by my standards. I wrote it out for a friend tonight and:
Underline the Black - 4-5 chapters a month (every Thursday)
A Stain that Won't Dissolve - 2-3 chapters a month (every second Sunday)
The Nascent Diplomat - 1 chapter a month
Constellations - 1 chapter a month (will eventually replace The Nascent Diplomat)
Palmarosa - (god help me) 3-4 chapters a month (this is so unsustainable, this is my fault for wanting to write a BG3 fic)
Underline the Blue - 2 chapters every few months
Underline the Red - as above (but on hiatus for my sanity)
Underline the Gold - as above (they all just cycle with each other)
I don't know how to tell you how incredibly nuts this is, but I think I can sum it up as '2-3 stories at the same time used to be where I was most comfortable.'
And this is not 2-3 stories.
I am really really just not going to be able to write anything outside of this, at least until some of these stories finish (and some of THESE stories are on hiatus or minimalistic schedules already), because like...
as much as I like to treat myself like a words machine, I am unfortunately a human person, and I've reached the point of thinking about crying when it comes to keeping even this up.
So yeah Underline the Silver can wait for when I'm excited about new stories again and not dreading them because my current writing slate is 'oh god oh god WHY IS EVERYTHING BURNING' dsakljfdsa
#asks and answers#pia on writing#it was sustainable until it suddenly wasn't#underline the silver#palmarosa has a lot to answer for but i also genuinely love writing it so i'm not going to stop#the tl;dr here is 'i don't know and i will be excited for it when it's time'#'but it almost won't be soon enough by anyone else's standards'#'because they're not seeing the bigger picture probably in the same way'#most serials take me 1-3 years to complete#i cannot start those commitments lightly#and i hate - i HATE - putting things on hiatus once i've started#the fact that i've already had to do it with like two stories#(smoke in autumn and underline the red)#fills me with tiny and sad noises#asklfjdsfdsa i'm sorry anon#i both don't know and know enough to know it might not be for a good long while#i would say *at least* two of Black / Blue / Gold have to be *completely finished*
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im going to be so fr.... i hate it when im shopping for something, perusing online or in person for stuff in my size and approximate measurements... and a skinny woman says to me “you should try poshmark instead” 🥺. u should look on there for stuff because it’s second hand 🥺 u should go to good will and thrift stores bc it’s more ethical 🥺 like i really wish u would be quiet bc u know damn well poshmark doesn’t do returns and that goodwill rarely carries good shit in my size. like ma’am, i’m fat and that transforms the ENTIRE way i shop for clothes compared to you. clothes are made for bodies like yours.... i’m expected to make do.
#i hope im making sense i just..#sorry it is simply my BIGGEST pet peeve#like... it's already hard to shop in regular stores for things my size bc of my measurements#and to have a skinny person come up to me and say 'use poshmark to buy pants ' like they have just...#opened the doors of fashion for me... like no you have not.#i will still have the same exact problems as i do with every other store... except on poshmark i can't return the clothes#idk i just.... sometimes i think that a lot of thin people think that shopping for clothes as a fat person is the same as shopping-#when you're thin#when that is.... simply not the case#literally.... everything is different#and the fundamental difference is that clothes are made for skinny shapes whereas fat bodies have to compromise#idk i just... i have a lot of thoughts about this#but i genuinely hate being told that bc miss do you think i haven't already looked??#like i use poshmark for t-shirts and like... big jackets#everything else i need to be able to return#and i also think that they don't consider... what it's like to try and consume ethically under capitalism..#when you don't fit the general group that clothes or those sustainable options were made for#like any fat person can tell you how FRUSTRATING it is to try and thift for pants or shop for clothes#because all of those sustainable brands RARELY carry things in inclusive sizes#so to already STRUGGLE with that while shopping... and then to be told 'use poshmark instead... go to good will'#when those options... do not function the same for fat bodies... will never not be irritating#vent#tw: body image#tw: fatphobia
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quietly getting more & more annoyed at my housemate & her bf as the evening goes on. thought they were at his house this weekend but they showed up unexpectedly to have loud sex here, left for a little bit, came back in the middle of a fight, and are now watching tv really loudly in between continuing to totally-not-fight-everything's-FINE.
#ctxt#shit chat#they're both rly nice people who genuinely love each other a lot & have been together like 7 years#but in the time i've known them they just keep playing out the same maladaptive patterns together and it's painful to watch#one of them will be irritable for some reason and snap at the other; other responds by airing a deep-seated grievance they've been sittin on#and instead of just. having a conflict about it to its conclusion to resolve the issue they just both fall over themselves apologizing#and spend several hours being really touchy & reactive to little things but overwhelmingly gentle/reassuring/affectionate#person A: *snaps* im sorry baby i didn't mean it i'm just stressed i love you so much can i do anything for you?#person B: no no my love you're fine i'm not mad i understand can i do anything for YOU you're so special i care about you so much#*make out in the kitchen about it a bit. swap roles rinse & repeat*#like i know turning towards a loved one after conflict instead of giving them the cold shoulder is a sign of emotional maturity#and is generally a healthy communication habit#but like. you gotta actually HAVE the conflict first instead of glossing over it the minute difficult emotions come up???#and when they get in these loops i really think they should just. agree on a mutual time out to do their own thing for a day#calm down sort themselves out and then come back together to mend things#instead of just reflexively drawing closer together immediately to try and smother discontent#which just results in them still being upset and now tripping over each other bumping elbows exacerbating things#while being obnoxiously saccharine to cover it up#i mean. 7 yrs is nothing to sneeze at but imo this is. not a sustainable way of relating & building a life together#and it sucks to watch it play out. reminds me of my parents who were blissfully incompatible in a similar way for like 30 years#before it finally blew up spectacularly with a lot of collateral damage earlier this year.
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so confusing how test results for one thing came back positive but treatment for it doesn't really work, but test results for another thing came back negative but altering my diet in a way that would assume i do have that thing is somewhat effective . i'm just not at all doing it wisely because i have no one on the medical side to help me due to those results so figuring out a way to do this long-term is not going well. :/
#txt#i guess there are overlaps im justttt#ughhh#im getting tested again for the one that was positive soon bc theyre sure i have that but we'd need insurance to approve#another treatment attempt#which i dont think they will at this point bc those meds are really fucking expensive and ive been on them a few times already#AND THE ONE MEDICATION I AM ALLERGIC TO. HAPPENS TO BE THE ONLY ALTERNATIVE.#and. i think there's more wrong with me than just that particular thing 2 be honest#i might ask to get retested for that other thing too or at least some more specific things in-line with it if i can#bc it just ! helps to have definites and without definites i have no idea wtf i'm doing#or like. i kinda do! but only so far as trading symptoms off for having no fucking energy bc i have no idea how to do this sustainably#and having these issues for the majority of my life means i really never learned enough of how normal people deal with food#to have much of a chance of figuring that out without a nutritionist which my insurance does not cover >:(#(except under very specific circumstances which i fell under as a teenager and they were incredibly unhelpful bc they#just wrote me off as an attention seeking anorexic and gave me a generic packet that you'd give anyone underweight without#any recognition of the additional reasons behind why i couldn't eat or gain weight.#like yeah i WAS an attention seeking anorexic but i also genuinely could not eat for other reasons!!!!!#and since ive mostly fixed the mental side i'd like to fix the physical now please!!!!!)#medical tw#disordered eating tw
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exams really just go on forever and ever and ever and ever
#sorry about this one but it’s just hit me that i’m literally not getting a break cause of the german listening#3 days between them i guess and then that’s it we’re back with 6-7 hour school days#how the hell do they think this is sustainable we just don’t get to stop ever#what’s the line like. it keeps happening it fucking keeps happening and i just want to lie down without needing to be doing something else#hghhhgvhnbgghhbghnbghvvbvav#the biggest break it’s possible to get is one school week. 5 days without exams or revision sessions jesus christ what are they doing#and i know i know it’s not their fault and that ultimately it’s an inherent flaw within the way exams work#and that actually they probably don’t want this either. but could they at least say that to us at some point#if they just went hey this sucks but this is what you’ve gotta do and offered a shred of sympathy rather than just shitty#seemingly non genuine positivity i would feel so much better#ok. ok i’m more normal having said all those words probably still gonna post this but then like delete it later or something#i’ll be fine i’m just so tired and will apparently be so tired for the foreseeable fr#but then there’s the future beyond what’s foreseeable and it’ll all get better then. it’ll be fine#ezra’s real life rambles
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literally just stop a tes fan lmao...there are other fantasy games out there, or like. literally just make your own world, it's really easy if you hate the games so much (I say this as an ex-tes fan)
HA. this is the first time I've gotten an ask like this... I feel Important. thanks lmao
as a serious answer - less for whoever asked this and more for anyone else who doesn't understand the way I interact with the media but whose lack of understanding is actually in good faith - if I hated the games and everything about them, I wouldn't have continued to play them, much less made a blog about them and dedicated so much of my creative energy to fan content. We both know that I don't view this franchise as in all ways awful and irredeemable; we both know that there are things about it I like. I would not be here if there weren't.
However - and again, I dearly hope that we both know this - deriving enjoyment from a piece of media does not make it flawless. This is the case for everything, from the works of Shakespeare or Austen to the D&D web show I've watched religiously since I was fourteen. Consuming media critically - learning to recognise the flaws of something you enjoy and accept that those flaws and your enjoyment can coexist - rather than simply receiving its messages unquestioningly and refusing to consider nuance is so crucial, especially when fictional media is so central to how people interact with one another.
There is a lot I dislike about TES. Its handling of sensitive topics is often hamfisted at best and feeding heavily into dangerous narratives at worst, and refusing to acknowledge that would be irresponsible and cowardly. But at the same time, I derive a lot of joy from this world, its stories and lore, and most especially the pockets of genuinely lovely communities that have sprung up around it. I've met some very cool people through being active in this fandom space. I've seen some absolutely incredible ideas and fan creations working to refute the bigoted undertones (or just blatant overtones, as the case may be) in canon. I've written pieces that aimed to provide a counter-narrative to the harmful ones presented by the games' reductive portrayals and been told that they really touched people (which was so deeply heartening to hear). It isn't that I believe my amusement is more important than the bigotry its source upholds and perpetuates, but that I believe that by acknowledging that bigotry and working constructively and in tandem with the beautiful fan community to rectify it in our own space, maybe I can produce more caring, sensitive narratives and offset the harm a little bit.
(Also, I don't know you and I can play video games however the fuck I want.)
#genuinely ecstatic to get this ask. I'm a small-time tesblr celebrity now. if you want to talk to me you can go through my entourage#also like... why do you assume I don't play other games or interact with other media??#I can like more than one thing!#besides at this point my special interest in tes is self-sustaining. it's not even about the games anymore#it's about the cool shit that cool people have to say about them#and the stuff I've made up in my head#truly so much of my enjoyment comes from the nice sides of the fan community at this point. what's a video game#I thought this was a collaborative worldbuilding project#I thought we were all doing the video game setting equivalent of house flipping#and to reiterate. anon. darling. you are a stranger whose opinion has no bearing on my behaviour#the manner in which I engage with my interests could not be less of your concern#fay talks#ask
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Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by
#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about#but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were#and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat#as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like#a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain#it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot#i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds#i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh#political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore#they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get#but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk#i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers#here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now#it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths#i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how#burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that#i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up#could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me#coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage#you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao#i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now#bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will#i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail#also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e#no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it#i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course#idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do#anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand#shai speaks
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