I guess I never had much of a chance.
I just started watching Jessie Gender on Youtube's essay about masculinity and... it hit like a goddamn truck. So much of what she talks about in her past so closely mirrors my own, it's downright eerie. Down to the fact that I was an Eagle Scout. Although, to be fair, it sounds like she had a much better time in it than I did, considering I never really made many friends in my boy scout troop, and I never worked any of the camps.
But to the point... I really did echo a lot of her experience. I tried my hardest to be a man. To live up to the ideals of masculinity that society enforces. But I was never going to be anything close to that. I was always too fat, too sensitive, too emotional, and too unathletic to ever be anything close to Western Masculinity (tm).
I did try though. I was desperate to be seen as something close to approaching masculine, but it came out in such strange ways.
For those who don't know me in person, I grew up in the United Methodist Church, quite literally. My dad was a pastor all his life, and that's the only life I knew growing up. As such, we lived life "in a fishbowl," as we'd call it. That means we were supposed to be the Model Family. Above all reproach, under all scrutiny. If any of us stepped out of line, we were going to be reprimanded for it. Do you folks on here have any idea what that does to a kid? My parents loved me, to be sure, and I bear them little ill will. They did their best under the circumstances. But we were a religious family in Texas. There's very little non-conformity afforded to us. My mother, God bless her, she already bucked tradition. She wasn't exactly feminine, mostly. Sure, she wore dresses, wore makeup, even went square dancing with my dad. But she had little time for the trappings of femininity, and only wore them under obligation. She did not enjoy being a pastor's spouse, for the most part. She endured it, for my Dad's sake, but she made no secret that she wasn't going to pretend to be some Stepford Wife bizarro Tammy Faye Bakker. Not her.
So I grew up with my dad, a uniquely anxious person, stressed about how me and my brother were going to make it. My dad was a pretty old-school guy, but at heart he was a bleeding heart liberal, as much as one could be in Texas in the 80's and 90's in religious circles. There's not a single Democratic president he didn't vote for. He was Democrat til he dies. Yet... that could never be public knowledge. Not in the church. Not in Texas. So already, we became bearers of secrets. Mom isn't a pastor's wife. Dad isn't a Republican. And so we were taught to bear our own secrets.
I'm neurodivergent. I have ADHD. And I am almost entirely incapable of telling a lie. (Ask my partner, she knows!) But little secrets... that was a matter of survival. Little secrets, for the benefit of the Image. Everyone has them, I learned. But God help you if your secrets ever got out.
So I learned, and learned, and learned some more. I'd ask questions, and to their credit my parents answered most of them truthfully, if they could. But there were some things you do not question.
One of them was gender. But I did not know that word.
How could I?
Not in that environment. Not in the fishbowl. Not in Texas. Not in the church.
Girls did x, boys did y, and that's that. Girls were x, boys were y, and that's it. End of discussion. Black and white.
There were signs I did not conform. I loved the show Barney and Friends... until I overheard kids at school call it a show for girls and little babies. Not a show for boys.
Overnight I stopped watching.
I used to sleep with a blanket every night. I loved, adored that little blanket. I found solace in Linus from Peanuts, and his little blue blanket. But my father chafed at its ever-presence. He never said anything against it, but he didn't have to. I could tell. So my mother, God bless her, she stitched me and my brother some pillows with fun animal designs on them. They substituted for the blanket. Father approved, as they had things like tigers and killer whales on them, which were Boy Approved (tm) things to like.
But then there was the ladybug puppet. It was a cute little stuffed ladybug that fit on my hand, and it even had an extra leg so as to be anatomically accurate. I slept with that every night.
Until my mother told me that dad didn't want me to do it anymore. He was worried it was too "feminine." And she said it in a very sing-song voice, a teasing tone I grew all too familiar with.
So into the closet the puppet went. And me with it.
I became hyper-vigilant about what could be perceived as "feminine" from there on out. I watched what I did like a hawk, trying never to ever raise the annoyance or ire of my dad or my peers. But it was never enough. As anyone who has ever had to play that game of gender chess, there was never going to be any chance for someone who is a trans girl to ever be anything but, even if they didn't know that was what they were.
I didn't hear the word "transgender" until I was in grad school. By then, I had already felt a call to ministry. By then, I had long ago locked up all gender nonconformity in a closet back when I was in grade school. I had lost an entire childhood, teenhood, early young adulthood. And by then, I felt like they described what being trans was like, as if it was for someone else. Glad I didn't deal with that issue!
But I did. I simply did not allow myself to question things. Did not allow myself to break the box I was put in as a child. Because I was a white guy, going to be a pastor. I figured I would just be that all my life.
Life has changed about three times since then. I only allowed myself to ask myself the hard gender questions in October of last year. I was 35. I'm turning 36 this next month.
I'm starting my life over again, a fourth time. But I'm actually looking forward to the future, for the first time in my entire life.
Because now it actually exists.
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Finally some common sense news
TAIPEI (Taiwan News) — Transgender women are not eligible for menstrual leave as they do not have uteruses and do not menstruate, the Ministry of Labor (MOL) said on Thursday (Feb. 10).
CNA reported that after a transgender woman recently applied to take a menstrual day off at her company, the company was unsure of whether she was eligible and asked the local government. The local government passed the question on to the MOL, which consulted the Ministry of Health and Welfare (MOHW).
The MOHW responded to the MOL with an explanation from the Taiwan Association of Obstetrics and Gynecology (TAOG), that transgender women who have received gender reassignment surgery and officially registered their changed sex do not have uteruses and do not menstruate. Since the purpose of the menstrual leave is to provide relief to those who may suffer physical discomfort at work while menstruating, the policy does not apply to transgender women as they do not go through the experience.
According to the Act of Gender Equality in Employment, female employees may legally apply to take one day off for menstrual leave each month if they experience menstruation-related discomfort that prevents them from working. The employees do not need to provide any documentation to apply, and employers may not refuse, issue a penalty, or deem the day off as an absence that affects the employee’s attendance bonus or performance evaluation.
CNA cited the MOL as saying that there is no age limit to employees eligible for the menstrual leave, therefore older women may also take a day off each month as needed. Meanwhile, for women whose uterus or ovary has been removed due to health concerns, as long as the employee still ovulates and experiences discomfort due to hormonal changes, she is eligible for the menstrual leave.
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PRE-QUALIFICATION OF SUPPLIERS FOR SUPPLY/PROVISION OF GOODS AND SERVICES FOR FY 2024/2025 - MINISTRY OF GENDER
MINISTRY OF GENDER, CULTURE, THE ARTS, AND HERITAGE TENDER JANUARY 2024
TENDER NOTICE
DATE:
30/01/2024
REFERENCE:
MGCAH/SDGAA/02/2023-2024
TENDER NAME:
PRE-QUALIFICATION/REGISTRATION OF SUPPLIERS FOR SUPPLY/PROVISION OF GOODS AND SERVICES FOR 2023-2024 & 2024- 2025 FINANCIAL YEARS
The MINISTRY OF GENDER, CULTURE, THE ARTS, AND HERITAGE, State Department for Gender and
Affirmative Action…
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Officially the Palestinian death toll has passed 30,000. As this article will tell you, the official count is far below the actual death count
Gaza's health ministry said Thursday that the number of Palestinians killed in the war has surpassed 30,000. The official number now stands at 30,035 deaths. The figure is widely viewed as the most reliable one available.
The health ministry provided NPR with one of its latest reports on the death toll, 38 pages long, to analyze. A close look at how Gaza's health ministry counts those killed in the war reveals a system that is buckling under the weight of war and unable to keep an accurate toll of the dead.
Thousands remain unaccounted for — either missing under the rubble, buried hastily in side streets or decomposing in areas that can't be safely reached.
The Gaza health ministry says its daily tally now relies on a combination of accurate death counts from hospitals that are still partially operating, and on estimates from media reports to assess deaths in the north of Gaza, where Israeli forces control access. Its detailed daily report shows that its electronic system for counting the dead was disrupted on Nov. 12, when communication was lost with three major hospitals in the north, soon followed by more in other parts of Gaza.
In the early days of the war, as the wounded and dead streamed into hospitals, Gaza's health ministry kept a detailed daily count of the number of people killed. Public and private hospitals were recording into an electronic database the names, ages, genders and ID numbers of the dead.
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