#fuck big duke personally/j why does he WEAR THAT
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@zankydraws your silly post about them worked
#incredibox#incredibox fanart#incredibox v9#big duke#asap bee#the idea of bee being obsessed with honey is so fucking funny to me#he WILL eat an entire jar with a spoon in 1(one) sitting#FUCK these guys were HARD TO COLOR#i was going to add simple shading but i forgor#got too caught up in their dumbfuck clothes#fuck big duke personally/j why does he WEAR THAT#what even is it#sparks creations
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J. Vesey - You Like Making Me Wait For It
Author’s Note: This was supposed to be done for Valentine’s day but uhhh, about that... So here it is, almost a month late. The premise for this story is that Jimmy is actually a BIG FUCKIN’ SOFTIE and not the sarcastic little shit that I constantly make him out to be. This can be proven by the attached tweet. As always this is fiction, so don’t get carried awayyyy :)
“It’s not a real holiday,” he texts his mom, in regards to her message to him, bright and early, on February 14. He follows it up with a heart emoji and tells her he'll see her tonight though, because she’s his ma and he’s not a complete mutant, but he pulls the blanket over his head and rolls onto his side and tries to fall into the warm feeling of sleep again.
As cool and standoffish as Jimmy tries to come off, everyone who knows him would jump at the chance to tell you that in reality, he’s soft as shit. A quick scroll through his recently played on Spotify would give him right up if he tried to deny it.
His icy indifference to Valentine’s day was never the norm. He used to look forward to it, liked it even, but after years of disappointment the shine has worn off and he's really had enough of it.
_____
His first Valentine’s memory is fond. He put on his best clothes and walked into school, chest puffed out and chin raised proudly, the little red and pink valentines he worked on with his mom tucked away in his backpack, heart-shaped lollipops carefully taped onto each one.
He didn’t understand the point of it until his mom patiently explained to him, “Sometimes we’re so busy everyday that we don’t tell people we love them like we should, so on Valentine’s day we spend the whole day letting everyone know we care about them.” He snaked his little arms around her waist and promised his mom he’d never be too busy to remind her he loves her.
She hugged him back tightly and brushed away a stray tear on her cheek before she opened up the box and had him start listing off the kids names in his class so she could neatly write them on each card. He spends his time taping the lollipops gently to the cards that declare “Have a sweet Valentine’s Day.”
As the class walked around dropping a card into each other’s decorated shoe-boxes, Jimmy couldn’t help but be filled with love for his friends. Tipping over the box afterwards, he was a little glum when he found out Tommy was the sole recipient of a card from Ashley, the pretty blonde with pigtails who sat 3 seats in front of him.
When he walked home from the bus stop with Jess later, they talked about their favorite ones, in particular the heart shaped erasers the teacher gifted each of them. She didn’t get a card from Ashley either. His mom told him not to worry about it and quickly diverted his attention to the pile of valentines with pencils and stickers attached, ooh-ing and ahh-ing as he explained who each one was from.
_____
In highschool Valentine's day is marked (like everything else during those awkward teenage years) by a rush of hormones and snickers.
The week leading up to Valentine's day the cheerleading squad hung signs up all over the halls detailing how to purchase a rose to be delivered to the person of your choosing during classes. All of the proceeds go to a local charity, so each morning the voice over the speaker reminded the student body to buy a rose for a good cause before listing off the lunch of the day and signing off.
Jimmy fills out a few; a pink one for his little cousin a few grades down from him, a yellow one for the librarian who helped him submit his college applications, and an orange one for Jess who just got a rejection letter from Duke and could use some cheering up.
On the 13th he finds himself with $2 extra dollars and some time to kill before Jess is done with extra help and ready to walk home. He goes to the office and fills out a slip for a red rose to be delivered to Molly, a girl he's helped in Chinese class a few times; she's popular and cute. He can't help his heart from quickening when they go over characters that have been giving her a particularly hard time during the spare period they share once a week.
He writes her name clearly in black ink, trying his best to keep his penmanship even and neat.
"There you are!" He jumps, but luckily his pen is off of the paper, having just finished scribing the Y in his name. Jess walks up to him, braids trapped under her backpack straps; it looks uncomfortable. "I've been looking everywhere for you, dude."
He slides the scrap of paper into the slot of the box in front of him. "Sorry, last minute love, you know how it is."
He feels his cheeks get warm at the thought of Jess catching him in the act. She is much more pragmatic when it comes to love. She hasn’t dated at all in high school, laser focused on her grades and soccer. He knows she thinks he’s a sap for caring at all when it’s unlikely anyone will find lifelong love in high school, but he's a romantic, sue him.
"Yeah, I know. You're a sucker for this stupid holiday," she rolls her eyes at him and adjusts her bookbag, swinging the tails of her braids free. He shrugs a shoulder but smiles, because she’s right and he can’t deny it.
“C’mon Romeo, my mom said she’d pick us up out front, it’s freezing today.” He follows her, excited about the prospect of tomorrow. He’s not sure, but he thinks Molly may feel the same way, and there’s no time like the present to find out.
_____
When he quietly places his lunch tray down next to Jess she knows something is off. He usually bounds over to the table, chatty and excited to talk about his morning classes and who said what stupid thing that made the class groan, but he’s downright meloncholy and she can feel it roll off his body in waves.
Jess twirls the stem of her orange rose between her pointer and index fingers, “Thanks Jim. Made my day.” She bops him on the head with the flower. He smiles a little but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Rough day?” He nods and starts picking at the crust of his pizza.
“I didn’t sign my fucking last name.” Jess doesn’t quite understand, so she kicks him under the table to get him to look up from his pizza and make eye contact. She raises her eyebrows in question and he finally continues, “I sent Molly a rose.”
Jess hums for him to keep going, she heard a rumor going around about Molly and James Jordan getting together, but she hadn’t heard anything about Jimmy.
“We study together every week. Chinese. She has a hard time with the-" he waves his hand to clear the subject, "anyway it’s not important. We have a free period together every Tuesday and I help her with it. I thought maybe she noticed.” Jimmy sighs and squishes his water bottle in his hand, “You know I get nervous around her, so I thought maybe she knew. Anyway, I sent her a flower, but I just wrote ‘Jimmy.' No last name. She thought it was Jordan and she walked right up to him in between classes and kissed him. They have a date Saturday night.”
Jess winces, “That blows. I’m sorry, Jim. Maybe it’s not meant to be for a reason. I heard that she…" she pauses because she's never actually heard anything bad about the other girl, but desperately wants to cheer up her friend. "I heard that she… snores?" Jimmy finally rolls his eyes and laughs.
"Oh yeah, cross her off the list. That's a deal breaker." He smiles for the first time in hours and he's sure Molly isn't the one he's been waiting for.
_____
In college his fervor to have a nice Valentine’s day led him to ask out the brunette from his Public Finance class, she said yes and seemed excited, but then text him to cancel 2 days before that she "forgot about a big paper that's due on Monday." His buddy John is in the same class and didn’t say anything about a paper, so Jimmy takes the hint and decides to go home for the weekend, tail between his legs and heart heavy from the rejection
He heads to the laundromat with a veritable sack filled with, what feels like, every piece of clothing he's ever owned, downtrodden and pissed off. He's loading his clothes into the machine when someone jabs him in the side with a boney digit.
"What the hell are you doing, Jim?" Jess beams up at him. She's wearing pink lipstick, but is otherwise dressed in all black, like always.
“Laundry. My mom had too many loads at the house ‘cuz Nolan brought his home too, so I’m just going to do it here quick.” He keeps shoving his clothes in the washer machine.
Jess nods at him, “Cool… cool. So, your mom still does your laundry?” She shoves her hands deep into the front pockets of her jeans and leans back on her heels with a shit eating grin.
Jimmy stops and looks up at her, “Uh, usually. Yeah, why? Can you tell?” He stands up, back sore from being hunched over the front-loading washing machine. She looks up at him and grins wider.
“You’re supposed to separate the colors. Let me help you.” She starts pulling all of his clothes out of the washer and dumping it into her orange pop-up hamper. “Come over here, I’m using this machine.”
“Why are you here,” he attempts gentle conversation since, apparently, he’s domestically useless. Jess opens a machine and starts pulling out all of his light colored clothes, basically pairs and pairs of socks and a few t-shirts here and there.
“My stupid comforter is too big. It takes forever at my house, so I just bring it here instead of drying it 6 times,” she pauses, pinching a lone sock and holding it out in front of her swinging it in his direction before throwing it in the washer, “lucky for you, James.” She helps him sort the other colors and shows him where the detergent goes and lends him some fabric softener that smells nice, she even advises him against washing his suit pants and the one nice sweater he owns, saying that he’d be better off dry cleaning them.
An hour later when their stuff is all folded and packed back up, he’s got no other plans and he hasn’t seen Jess since the summer, so he helps her bring her comforter and sheets to her car and stands there awkwardly trying not to make this weird.
“Jessie,” she turns around, scarf half wound around her neck, death glare pinned on him.
“Did you want me to kill you? Don't call me that,” she swats at him and opens her trunk so he can drop her cottony smelling bedding in it.
“Let me buy you dinner, this was really nice of you to help me.” She smiles and agrees without any cajoling.
“Oh god, yes. I’m starving. Chipotle?” There’s a reason they’ve been friends for so long.
They order and he pays while she fills up their cups and finds an empty booth. When he drops the trays down on the table and slides her the burrito she ordered, he smiles and reaches his hand across the table, “Jessie, will you be my Valentine?”
She rolls her eyes, but it’s warm and laced with affection when she kicks him under the table, “You fucking sap. You’re lucky you bought me food or I’d say no.” She takes a bite and chews, but Jimmy keeps needling.
“So you’re saying the way to your heart is through your stomach.” He nods, “Noted.”
They chat over dinner, discussing college and what people from high school are up to. She’s in an accelerated program at BC and should graduate a year early. He’s reserved, but hoping to get drafted.
It’s not long after they're done, still taking up space in the booth, when his mom calls, “Hey ma.” Jess mouths ‘tell her I said hi!’ and gets up to throw away their garbage and heads to the ladies room.
“Jess said to tell you hi,” it’s barely out of his mouth before he regrets it.
“You’re out with Jess. On Valentine’s day?” Her tone is accusing, but soft. “I always liked her. I didn’t realize you were seeing each other. You don’t tell me anything anymore.” Before she can get too deep in her pity party he stops her.
“It’s not like that. We just ran into each other, we didn’t plan anything” Jimmy scratches at a scuff on the table, wishing he just waited until he got home to have this conversation. The last thing he’d want to do is make Jess uncomfortable with this. His mom prattles on about how she’s always liked Jessica from down the block, but Jimmy mostly tunes it out. It’s not until she’s walking back to the table, smiling softly at him that he rushes his mom off the phone the best he can.
“I’ll tell her you said hi. I’ll be home soon, see you, love you, bye!” He hangs up before she can get a word in.
Jess plops down across from him, “Did you tell her I said hi? I love your mom.” He assures her he did, and stands up, stretching.
“We should get going,” he grabs his keys off of the table, and Jess stands too and follows him out to their cars.
“Thanks, Valentine,” she unexpectedly hugs him around the middle. “I usually hate this fucking day, but you made it pretty bearable.”
He can’t help the laugh that escapes him; she’s such a pessimist. “Yeah, I get that a lot after dates. Bearable.”
His heart stutters when he realizes what he said, his hands get clammy. He feels dumb, hanging up on his mom so she didn’t make Jess feel like tonight was anything that they didn’t intend it to be, and then he sticks his foot straight into his stupid mouth.
Jess doesn’t flinch though and just follows him out the door to their cars. “See ya later, Jim. Don’t be a stranger. Cambridge isn’t that far, yeah?”
He laughs and hugs her goodbye again before getting in his own car and driving home.
When he unlocks the front door his mother is on him like a hawk. “Where’s Jessica? Why didn’t you bring her here? I just love that girl.” He has to remind himself to calm down before he opens his mouth, because she means well and loves him.
“She had some stuff to do, but she said hi,” he grabs a cookie off of a plate cooling on the countertop and prays his mom doesn’t need to go out, lest she catch sight of Jess’ car in her driveway and ruin his lie.
She takes his half eaten cookie from his hand and takes a bite, chewing slowly. “What you’re saying is that I shouldn’t get my hopes up,” before she pins him with a glare only a mother could muster.
“Still single, ma.” He grabs a cookie in each hand and hustles up the stairs to his room before she can pepper him with more questions.
He lies on his bed and flips on his tv, clicking channel to channel until he finds a hockey game that will keep his attention. By the end of the 2nd, the Bruins are up 4-1 over the Leafs and he mutes the intermission report to scroll through twitter uninterrupted.
His timeline is filled with photo after photo of happy couples and gushing declarations of love. He can’t help but sigh and be a little jealous. After watching the rest of the beating Boston lays on Toronto, he shuts the TV off and lies awake, staring at his ceiling. The jealousy has faded, and now he’s just a little sad, slightly disappointed, with a pinch discouraged mixed in.
He’d blame his next action on hopelessly romantic desperation as he opens Twitter back up and drafts his tweet.
Spending another Valentine's day without having found “the one.” Hope she is out there somewhere safe and sound.
Jimmy taps the button to send the tweet and rolls over onto his side before the day catches up to him and he falls into a mostly dreamless sleep.
_____
Valentine’s day as a Ranger finds him alone in the city once more, begrudgingly texting his mother back and pretending this holiday doesn't make him feel like Steven fucking Glansberg.
At least he's back in Boston tonight, starting an away stretch down the eastern seaboard. He has two whole days to spend with his friends and family in his home state before the game against the Bruins and before they leave for Carolina and two more down in Florida.
He takes his parents out for dinner soon after he lands, and then hits up a few friends to go to the bar. They’re all happy to hear from him, but only Tommy can come out, everyone else is busy with their girlfriends. He can’t blame them. He’d rather be courting a pretty girl than third-wheeling with his parents, but he’s not there yet in his life, so a few beers with Tommy will have to do.
They’re chatting through their second round of Guinness and watching the basketball game when his phone vibrates in his pocket. He leaves it, the game is getting good and it’s almost the half. A three-pointer closes it out and Tommy excuses himself for the bathroom, so Jimmy signals the bartender for two more and finally pulls his phone out of his pocket.
Jess: Jimmmmmmmmm
He smiles in spite of himself.
What’s up Jessie?
But then Tommy comes back from the bathroom and he puts the phone back into his pocket, because he’s a good bro and that’s rude.
He almost forgets about it, laughing with Tommy through the rest of the game and catching up with a few kids from the neighborhood that walk into the bar and spot him, but then he takes his phone out to order an Uber and he sees the notifications.
4 unread texts from Jess
He orders the Uber after putting in Tommy's address as the first stop and his parent's home as the second before he swipes back over to his texts.
Jess: I'm at a galrnyinrd day party
Jess: Galrntinrd*
Jess: GALENTINES*******
We were playing text or delete and I didn't want to delete you 😭
She's obviously had a few. Jess was never one for overt emotion. But it's always fun getting it out of her, so he hopes she hasn't sobered up in the hour that's passed since she text him last. He climbs into the Uber after Tommy and types out a careful message to her. Eyes struggling to focus since he had a few beers himself.
Didn't know you cared, Jessie.
He finally looks up and says goodbye to Tommy with a handshake that turns into a hug when the car comes to a stop, before settling back into the backseat for the rest of the ride to his childhood home.
He doesn't get another message from her until the driver stops at the final destination and wishes him a good night. Jimmy leaves a tip when the app pops up asking for a review and sits on his front steps in the cool night air, trying to sober up before he walks inside and wakes the whole house up.
Jess: You're a big dummy.
The message is quickly followed by another.
Jess: When are you coming home next?
Jimmy doesn't know what to say to that, so he stands up next to his house number and snaps a selfie before sending it off to Jess.
Jess: 👀👀👀👀
Jess: I'm walking to you now
He hears her front door slam from 6 houses away in the quiet stillness of the late night. The next thing he hears echoing are her giggles followed by heavy footsteps as she runs over to him.
"I misssssed you." She's a little tipsy still, he can tell by how tightly she wraps her arms around him.
"Missed you too, Jessie," he winds his arms around her too. She buries her face in his chest and he can feel her cold nose through his shirt.
"Let's go hangout in the basement. It's freezing out here," he unlocks the front door with his Patriots key, the same one he's had since middle school; the paint chipping with use over the years.
When they walk through his mom's kitchen, she opens the fridge and grabs two water bottles before following him down the steps to the basement where they'd spent much of their youth watching movies, doing homework, and playing Mario Kart. He feels calm and at home here, sunken into the old couch with her by his side.
"So, Galentine's?" He swipes one of the water bottles from her and takes a sip before switching on the TV to whatever is on TBS, it looks like The Notebook.
"Don't make fun. It's a nice excuse to drink some wine and have a good night with your friends." She sniffs haughtily.
"Yeah, yeah. Any excuse to drink and gossip," he's just picking on her a little. It's what they do.
She swigs her water and looks at him with a little distaste coloring her face. "Stop acting like you and Tom didn't do the same thing earlier; I saw his insta story."
Her eyes open wider as she realizes what she said, and he's a little taken aback. If she saw Tommy's story, that means...
"So you knew I was home?" He presses his knee against hers on the couch.
She looks anywhere but at him, finally focusing her attention to the water bottle in her hand- unscrewing and re-screwing the cap back on.
"I mean..." She rolls her eyes in that careless way she has about her, and he notices her sweater is pink, as are the socks peeking out of the tops of her boots. "Kinda." He feels her move imperceivably closer into his side.
He can't help the smile taking over his face, "You just wanted to spend Valentine's day watching chick flicks with me, you can say it."
"Shut up," she hits him with a pillow, firm across his chest. "Maybe."
It's the closest he's ever gotten to a mushy declaration from her and it warms him up. "You're an ice queen," he wheedles gently, wrapping his arm up and over her shoulders along the back of the couch.
She sighs and leans her head on his shoulder, he's happy to sit here watching Noah hang from the ferris wheel, just like this, but Jess is apparently not.
"Not feeling so icy right now," she whispers, so low he's not sure if he imagined it, but then she's right up in his ear, "Feeling a little warm, actually."
She places her hand flat on his chest and sucks gently on the skin under his ear behind the tendon in his neck and he's feeling a little warm too, as a matter of fact.
"Jess," she doesn't pause at the sound of her name, "Jessie," he pushes, a little more firm, he can't bear to physically remove her because it feels too good, but he's just, not sure she wants this.
"Jimmy," it's mumbled against his neck, and she barely pauses sucking into his skin to pant out his name.
"You don't really…" he stutters, not sure how to go about this. "Are you sure you…" She bites gently at his neck and he can't help the groan that leaves his lips, "Jesus Christ, stop that for one second. I can't think straight when you do that."
He gently pushes her shoulder to give himself room to breathe and collect his thoughts, but when he looks over at her she looks downright chagrined.
"I'll just… go," she starts to stand up and he grabs her wrist and pulls her back down to the couch.
"No you don't." She falls to the couch ungracefully next to him, red in the face and eyes glassy. "What the hell is this about, Jess. You can't just do… that and then leave without a word."
"Don't make me say it." Jess looks down at her hands. Her face gets impossibly redder and Jimmy is sure he's going to like this next part very much.
"Gotta tell me your feelings, Jessie." She refuses to look at his face and he can't stop the grin from forming.
Deciding to put her out of her misery, he nuzzles his nose against her neck, gently exhaling into the sensitive skin there.
"You… I… ugh!" She grasps at the back of his head and tilts her own to give him better access, but he refuses to take the bait until she says it.
"Say it," he whispers, pulling away just enough so his lips don't graze her skin.
He can feel the sigh she releases before she steels her body, spine going straight and takes a deep breath.
"I want nothing more than to watch cheesy chick flicks with you. Both on Valentine's day and every other single day of the year. You're the only person that has ever made this day worthwhile and I…"
He's not sure how the sentence was supposed to end, because he's so proud of her that he can't wait and stops her mid-sentence with a kiss on her mouth.
She doesn't really have much to say after that, and he knows she's not great with feelings, so he's just being merciful.
_____
Mrs. Vesey makes her way down into the basement on February 15th, a basket of laundry propped up against her hip. She screams once, startled by the unexpected lump she finds on the couch in what she thought was an empty basement.
She screams a second time when she realizes who spent the night.
Jimmy could have done without either.
#jimmy vesey fic#jimmy vesey imagine#hockey fic#hockey imagine#buffalo sabres fic#buffalo sabres imagine#nhl fic#nhl imagine#jimmy is soft soft soft#this is the first time I did a third person narrator#help#someone tell me if this is okay?#VALIDATE ME I HAD A ROUGH WEEK
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Batfam halloween costumes? (Well, it is october :p)
- Dick Grayson has had a tradition for years now: Spin the wheel of traditional Halloween costumes, and go full slut - He takes great pride that the only person in the batfam who can out strut him in platform stilettos is Cass. He's torn between nurse and police officer this year.
- Jason, the eternal asshole that he is, has worn the same costume every year since he started doing Halloween with the fam again: Whatever clothes have the most wear and tear from patrol, an old hockey mask, and a fake machete. Everyone always gets mad when he shows up like that again. "It wasn't even that funny the first time J."
He has momentarily however entertained the idea of Pennywise for this year, just for the laughs and morbid humor, but tradition will probably win out in the end... also, fuck clowns.
- There are only two extremes with Tim: All-in fully committed, or 'fuck it, I'm too tired". On the one hand, he been collecting different pieces he needs for a full Newt Scamander costume (including wand and Pickette)... but most likely he's going to end up in whatever logo tee he grabs first as he's headed out the door.
- Damian is another all or nothing personality. It's just another day, why should he be wearing anything other than his mini-Bruce black turtleneck and slacks.... However, if he does decide that he's going to buy into this all hallows eve thing, babybat is going full Prince. Boy looks like he just walked straight out of an Arabian fairytale.
- Duke was never big on dressing up for halloween, given the choice he'd much rather stay home and watch scary movies. But, he can't pass up such a prime opportunity when it's practically gift wrapped for him.... though he is mildly concerned by the amount of people telling him his Signal costume is incorrect...
#batfam#batbros#batman#dick grayson#nightwing#jason todd#red hood#tim drake#red robin#damian wayne#robin#duke thomas#signal#halloween#halloween costumes
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The Semi Quotable 2017 Part 5
“applebee’s is literally begging to give away their food.” – Christine Teigen
“In the car w/husband, I offered $20 and a blowjob immediately if he could guess the official title. He did not win.” – @SteelyDanRather on the title announcement for Solo: A Star Wars Story
“280 tweets look like serial killer manifestos” – Scott Aukerman
“Dick Versace had two goals in 1989: guide the Pacers to the playoffs and beat Ricky Steamboat as many times as possible.” – Super 70’s Sports
“It’s D-Day and (Robert) Mueller secured the beaches before noon. Run Nazis.” – Mark Frost on the indictment of Michael Flynn
“The Rebellion is reborn today. The war is just beginning. And I will not be the last Jedi.” – Luke Skywalker
"The answer is either ass, boobs, or dick." -Jordan
"For the sake of salvaging whats left of the positions dignity for President of the United States...can someone in his staff please for the love of God delete Trumps twitter account? Its now gone from one of the most prestigious positions to "worlds most cringe worthy Twitter handle" in less than 6 months." -Steve
"Plague!!!!!!" -Block
"Donald Trump deals in bullshit the way a bovine fertilizer salesman deals in...well, bullshit." -C
"Sometimes you're the Galactic Empire, sometimes you're the Rebel Alliance." -Heather
"Leave it to us to make 'The Little Mermaid' SUPER awkward." -Q
"Ted Cruz...trippin'?" -Molly B
""Live your life in such a way that Donald Trump tweets mean things about you" -David K
"I remember reading so many posts immediately after the election from people who were absolutely terrified of what was going to happen once Trump was sworn in and Republicans controlled both houses of Congress. As evidenced by the fiasco that's unfolding with the health care bill, it should be clear that you folks had nothing to worry about. Even if they had some sort of nefarious purpose they were trying to carry out in their agenda, it seems as though these guys couldn't find their ass with both hands and a GPS." -Tim
“Well then get your shit together, get it all together and put it in a back pack, all your shit, so it's together. And if you gotta take it some where, take it somewhere, you know, take it to the shit store and sell it, or put it in the shit museum. I don't care what you do, you just gotta get it together. Get. Your shit. Together.” -Morty Smith (Justin Roiland)
"Alright, I'm now willing to admit there is a downside to everyone wearing yoga pants in public: I can't tell which of the adults milling about at the gym are here for adult gymnastics and which are just waiting to pick up their kids." -Pam
“Byron Allen’s got me all confused.” -me whenever “Happy” plays on the radio.
"A teacher in the school is selling Girl Scout cookies. The teacher got my order. In related news, someone's daughter is going to Camp Sugarbush this summer. Also in related news, after I eat these cookies, my nickname will be Sugarbush." -Klauss
“Like THAT’s safe!” -Michael, on Quisla’s... erm, safe.
"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that people die of natural causes." -Rammson
"Donald Trump doesn't understand climate change because he lives in perpetual shade." -Laura
"A close friend referred to this before and after as Exponential Degredation. He said it and he's not taking it back." -The Perfesser
"This would be the equivalent of opening up a Cracker Jack box looking for the prize and seeing it in the bottom ox a box filled with sludge. There's some cool things but do you really want to go through the sludge?" -Gordon, on "Hip Hop Squares"
"You're not minimalist. You're broke." -some guy
"Okay, so we have watermelons.... why aren't there earthmelons or airmelons or firemelons? What happened to the rest of the elemelons?" -Emily Ann
“Thanks for making me confused about my sexuality, Adam Driver. You talented douche.” -Laura
"Unicorn Frappuccinos are what happens when you try and make too much of a good thing for profit. Its the answer to a question nobody asked. It's a Bar Rescue gone horribly wrong." -C
"(As Craig Ferguson) Now he used to be a wrestler and now he's going into politics. Now the two are highly different of course. One involves people with larger than life personalities who make grandiose claims and attack their opponents constantly and the other involves spandex tights." -Brian
"Dang it, PWC! Where were you in November? We could have had Emma Stone as President!" -Clint
“Feelings are real, but they are not reality.” -Dan Harmon
"It's like you've inherited a baby alligator. He was cute for awhile and now he's a big alligator who's threatening to destroy everything but still hangs around you and calls you daddy." -Gordon
"If one of those interchangeable Kardashian chicks dressed as a stewardess interrupted Sean Spicer's press conference by handing him a Pepsi, we as a nation could begin the healing process." -Kevin
"Opened Emma's recital costume and IT WAS COVERED IN GLITTER AND NOW I AM COVERED IN GLITTER AND EVERYTHING I OWN IS COVERED IN GLITTER OMG WHYYYYYYYYYYYY" -Molly B
"It's not terrible, but you can see terrible from where we're standing." -Q
"WHERE ARE MY PANTS!!!" -Michael
"Ladies and gentlemen, my sister, the one-woman Greek chorus." -C
"I have designated February 14 as 'Catch Pokémon, Not Feelings Day'." -J-Ho Boy-Type
"Because that's what ABC thought. This party needs more Lucy Hale." -C
"If I were Samsung I would make my keynote address one sentence. "Samsung galaxy S8… This one won't light itself on fire"." -Brian
"We are not going to let another demon monster take hold and grown and run wild. We are going to nip this problem in the bud. WE ARE GOING TO KILL HITLER AS A BABY!" -Q
"To quote the great Panamanian philosopher Roberto Durán, 'No más'." -C
"I broke my banana." -Q, re: an actual banana.
"Los Angeles has two football teams, two baseball teams, two basketball teams, and two hockey teams, but no curling teams?" -Kevin
"I have to wait for the Luther breakdown to finish!" -C
“Ugh. I really wish I had something cool to say.” -Johnny Yong Bosch
"Less Donald Trump! More techno music!" -bus random to a Bop It!
"Someone told me that being verified on Twitter “really doesn’t do anything” but that person is 1) wrong and 2) head of a social media dept." -Cory
"How did you know Carolina was going to beat Duke?" -Q
"Quisla... its U.N. motherfucking C. They handle shit. Consider this shit handled." -C
"my most-recent counseling appointment had me reaching the following conclusion: i fully acknowledge that i am a jackass, and my attempts at keeping myself from being a jackass has stifled what people like in me as a consequence of not wanting others to think badly of me. so what am i to do? just be a jackass and shoulder the consequences no matter when and where it happens? not entirely -- if i am to have my moments of jackassery, i will make better efforts to steer those spells towards being a jackass for the right reasons. sometimes it takes a jackass christian speaking up when someone claims to be a christian but whose words and actions are far from the basic command of 'love one another.' sometimes fighting for the weak and powerless means being a jackass towards the mighty and powerful. sometimes only an absolute jackass would punch a nazi in the face. i'm josh eldridge. i am a jackass. i hope this admission doesn't effect our friendship." -Josh
“Kylo Ren is like a sullen, resentful jungle gym.” -Laura
"I'm going to make a screwdriver because it's cold as shit outside." -Shelly
“I’m Regis Philbin! Welcome to night 24 of Who Wants To Get Impregnated?” -Jordan
"I just can't girl right." -Shannon
"Our long national pasttime is over." -Jessica, on overlong baseball games
"You may have a problem if the Target cashier recognizes you, knows you by name, and asks if everything was good because you didn't come in on your 'normal' day. Yay! I'm a regular!" -Aryn
"I read my bed all the time! It's a Serta!" -Kitty Carrion
"Does Baby Jojo need a binky?" -C
"I sense a great migraine in the Force...as if millions of white people were trying to get woke at the same time." -Laura
"Well the inauguration is over, finally after two years we can all get back to normal and... *boots up facebook* ...and I'm going to stay off Facebook until January of 2021, cheers 🙂" -Brian
"What fruit is the state of Georgia famous for? ... Todd Chrisley." -C, at quiz night
"So, apparently as an instructor, referring to the start of a new semester as "hazing" is frowned upon." -Heather
“2017 in a nutshell: You see “Mario Batalli :(“ as a Facebook status and you say to yourself, “Dead or pervert?”” -Adam
"Fun fact: staying sane is hard." -Jordan
"If I performed my job with the same razor-sharp precision with which meteorologists perform theirs:
Boss: Is this the data you promised me three weeks ago? Because it looks like completely wrong information.
Me: Yeah, but, as you can see, I've color-coded it in lovely hues of blue, purple and pink where I thought it would make it look nice.
Boss: Yep. Looks great! Keep up the good work.
I am clearly in the wrong profession." -Molly B
"😂😂😂 if I was meant to behave, I wouldn't have been born so good at misbehaving 😛" -Emily Ann
"Seen on a group page tonight:
Everything Kirk Cameron touches turns to patriarchy." -Shrub
"In other news, 30 oz of ribeye can be converted to 0 if you just believe in yourself." -Justin S
"Bacteria gets me so hard." -Jordan
"Oh REALLY..." -Q, reaching for Jordan's pants
"Who here loves animals but hates that Sarah Maclachlan commercial?" -Sweet Tea Shakespeare guy
“Hey... I run them miles. I’m slow as fuck, but I run them miles.” -C
"Trying to stay positive in a world full of assholes is like trying to shovel hot jello from a wheel barrow using a pitch fork with only one prong!" -Sheila
"If there's one thing I learned in college, it's: never underestimate the power of an icy, cold shower beer. Thanks guys!" -Dahlia
"No, no, no. I can't have penises all over my car tonight. Tomorrow night, maybe, but no penises tonight." -Nicole W
"Maybe for Lent Trump should just give up." -George Takei
"She wanted someone to take the pickle, so I did." -C
"Too... many... JOKES!" -Brian
"Saw the Barca result. Ah, so that is why folks riot." -Steve P
“I can’t have weird Chico. I live with him.” -Q
"Yay sports! Spoooooooorts!" -Milana Vayntrub
"You're at a bar. Playing bar trivia. Against an IQA ranked quizzer and his sister who would also be IQA ranked if she made the trip to Raleigh with me that morning. We are naturally expressive people within our family. That comes from being the children of Carlos and Olivia Alexander. We laugh together, we love together, we cook, fight, and emote together. And when we win, we emote like hell. If you don't like it when we win, next time bring smarter friends. Until then, get the fuck over it." -the son of Carlos & Olivia Alexander.
"This is my face when I find out some epically old karma has been served." -Shannon
Okay, one more oughta do it.
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