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valdomarx · 3 years

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Lost in Translation

McShep + fake relationship, for @lamberts <3

John glances around warily. The people of this planet seem friendly enough, but with Teyla and Ronon off visiting another village, he feels acutely vulnerable.

“Will others be joining you?” The village elder gives him a inquiring look.

“Just McKay. He’s my scientist.”

The elder frowns. “What is scientist? We do not know this word.”

“Oh.” He looks around the mud hut and contemplates how to explain it. They clearly don’t have a frame of reference for astrophysics or computer programming here. “He’s part of my team. He travels with us and, you know, gets us out of difficult situations. Opens doors. Fixes things when they break. That sort of thing.”

“Ahh.” The elder smiles beatifically. “This we know. He is your chap’tah.”

“Sure, I guess.”

“It is good for one who travels to have a chap’tah.”

John grins. “He has his uses.”

Some of the villagers raise their eyebrows at that, but it’s soon forgotten as they move onto the trade negotiations.

“I brought you food.” One of the village women smiles at him shyly as she hands over some kind of bread and fruit. “Should I bring more for you to give to your chap’tah as well?”

“Thank you.” John waves her off. “But don’t worry about McKay. I’m sure he’ll track down the food himself soon enough.”

The woman draws back in horror. “You do not feed him?”

“What? No?” John boggles. “I mean. He’s allowed to eat. Does so a whole lot, actually. But I don’t typically oversee that personally.”

“In our culture, we honor our chap’tahs by providing them with food. Is it not so where you are from?”

“It’s not.” John thinks about the last time the Daedalus came by to restock Atlantis and the frankly incredible volume of snacks that were distributed among the scientists. “Not officially, anyway.”

“Perhaps you should try it.”

He thinks about the way Rodney’s face lights up when he brings donuts to the lab. “Perhaps I should.”

“We have prepared a hut for you and your chap’tah.”

“Great.” John isn’t crazy about staying the night here, but the gate is a long hike away and they clearly aren’t in any immediate danger.

The villager, a young man with broad shoulders, leads him to a hut on the edge of the central meeting place. “We hope you will be comfortable.”

John sticks his head inside. It is exceedingly small, barely enough space for one person. It was going to be cramped as hell with both him and Rodney in there.

But they are guests, and he doesn’t want to be rude. “Lovely. Thank you.”

The young man gives him a knowing wink. “We know that a man likes to keep his chap’tah close.”

And that was… weird. But okay, having a scientist close at hand was pretty useful.

Rodney storms up to him and John laughs so hard he nearly chokes. He’s wearing some kind of elaborately tied white tunic and has flowers woven into his hair. His face has turned a furious puce color and he is fuming.

“Fun day?” John asks when he’s regained enough breath to speak.

“They insisted on dressing me like this and it’s all your fault.” He waves a finger in John’s face.

“How’s that?”

“They said I had to be presented handsomely. As if my usual attire is anything but! And the more I argued, the more they insisted I had to because of you. ‘When one is chap’tah, one must be at one’s most agreeable.’” Rodney does a mean impression of one of the village elders. “What the hell did you tell them?”

“Honestly, nothing! Just that you were my team scientist. Maybe they really love celebrating science here?”

“Oh, right, because this is a bastion of forward-looking experimental thinking!” Rodney gestures wildly around the village. “I feel so celebrated.”

John suppresses a smile. “I think you look very nice. White suits you.”

He keeps a straight face for all of two seconds before Rodney tries to throttle him.

That night, there’s a celebration in honor of their new trade alliance. The villagers build an enormous bonfire and smoke meats and vegetables over it like the galaxy’s biggest barbecue. After the food, they hand around gourds full of sweet mead which leaves sugar on John’s lips and tingling in his throat. And then the dancing begins.

Dancing has a long tradition in this culture, he learns: dances in the hope of a good harvest, dances to give thanks, dances to celebrate births and to commemorate deaths. Every family seems to own a drum or pipe of some kind, and they bring them out to play relentless, rhythmic music to which they twirl around the fire.

The mead must have been stronger than he thought, because when one of the villagers invites him to dance he takes her up on the offer, letting her show him the steps. He catches sight of Rodney watching him from the other side of the fire with a frown, and he’s compelled to pull him to his feet and to wipe that frown away.

Neither of them have the elegance and agility of the others, but that doesn’t seem to matter. John does his best to show him the footwork, but they mostly end up bumping into each other and laughing. At one point they collide so hard that Rodney nearly goes sprawling, and John catches him around the waist to hold him upright.

The firelight paints them both in hues of orange, and a red flush is spreading across the tops of his cheeks, the way it always does after more than one drink. John longs to trace it with his fingertips.

If I kissed him now, he catches himself thinking, he'd taste of honey and wood smoke.

They make it until dawn before staggering back to their hut. The villagers are still dancing, and they fall asleep to the sound of drumming.

John wakes up far too hot, with something fluffy tickling his nose and something soft and appealing pressed up against him.

He blinks, stretches, and realizes the tickling thing is Rodney's hair, which his face is buried in, and the heavy weight is Rodney's ass, which he's grinding up against.

Erm.

“Jesus, Sheppard, you could at least buy me dinner first.”

John stills, embarrassed. Though Rodney sounds bleary but not exactly adverse to the idea.

Interesting.

"How about once we get back?"

"Huh?" Rodney is not at his sharpest first thing in the morning.

"Dinner. You. Me. Atlantis."

"Oh." Rodney snuggles back into him. "Yeah, alright."

Nice. "Okay. Good "

There's a quiet moment, and John enjoys the warmth of his arms around Rodney.

Rodney never could appreciate quiet though. "Why did you stop?" He sounds almost petulant. It's kind of cute. "With the -" he gestures vaguely, "- you know."

"Technically I didn't buy you dinner yet."

"Ehh, I'm pretty easy. I'll put out for a potential dinner."

Really nice.

He smiles into Rodney's hair. "If you insist."

It’s several hours later that Teyla arrives. John is sat on a muddy bank playing a game involving balancing piles of sticks with some of the local kids, and Rodney has been hustled off to have more flowers braided into his hair. When the village women tugged him out of the hut, giggling and waving flowers, he’d thrown his hands up and barely even complained, so he must be in a truly good mood.

“John,” Teyla gives him a polite nod as she approaches, flanked by two of the villagers. “Caton and Sar’ai tell me that negotiations went well.”

He stretches lazily. “They did. I think we can get enough food to keep Atlantis stocked for several months.”

“Good. Well done.” She comes and sits by him on the bank. “They also told me that you were here with your husband.”

He blinks at her.

She’s hiding a smile. “Is there something you would like to tell me?”

“Erm.” John thinks back over the last day. The chap’tah. The food. The flowers. The shared hut.

Ahh.

“There seems to have been a misunderstanding about me and McKay. Though, on reflection, I can perhaps see how they might have got the wrong impression.”

Teyla nods sagely. “It would be best if you, how shall we say, play along for the rest of the visit? No need to risk a diplomatic incident.”

Very well. If he must, he must.

When Rodney comes back, this time dressed in a fetching blue sheet with violet flowers tucked behind his ears, John pulls him close and kisses him. Rodney makes a happy humming noise and none of the villagers seem perturbed, so he’s going to count that as a win.

As they collect their gear and begin the walk back to the gate, John takes Rodney’s hand in his own.

Teyla inclines her head knowingly. “I am glad your mission was successful,” she says.

"Just doing my part,” he replies, giving Rodney’s hand a little squeeze, “in the spirit of intergalactic understanding."

#mcshep #stargate atlantis #lamberts #my writing #avia this was so much fun to write #i love this prompt thank you :D

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trolloled · 4 years

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Quadrant Masterpost

time to rip off my homie rai like i do at least 60% of the time

Inspired by rai’s inspired post about quadrants, I decided it’d be fun to write something similar. Contained within this readmore is a vault of open quadrants for the trolls I usually have the most energy to write for and what they seek.

Part 2: Here

Damath Zannar - 11 Solar Sweeps, Pan

♥ - Damath wouldn’t say he wants a matesprit, but he’d certainly not turn down the idea of someone listening to him and being close emotionally. He’d prefer someone who shares his quote unquote ‘highbrow’ tastes but without getting too full of themselves about it. A self aware noble, a little like himself, if you will. He’d heavily prefer they be able to defend themselves adequately, he’s too paranoid to be comfortable with having to protect someone himself. Oddly enough, he doesn’t particularly care that much about caste. Though he’d be a little distraught inwardly at the lifespan difference.

♦ - Damath is actually fairly stable for the most part, but he could use someone who can tone down his paranoia. He might not look it most of the time, but he’s a bundle of nerves stretched extremely taut. There’s a reason he hired a personal bodyguard, and his paranoia isn’t entirely unfounded. His moirrail would have to be able to keep his head straight without talking down to him like he’s out of his gourd. On the flipside, he can be quite protective, if not a little coddling, and strongly approves of self-improvement. Getting your troll to be Their Very Best would be his top priority.

♠ - A kismesis is far from out of the question, the only real hard pass coming straight for anyone of the seadweller caste. He doesn’t need the constant reminder of his loss of fins and amphibious ability that would be sure to come from it. The ideal kismesis would be someone that wouldn’t resort to crass violence or stupid pranks, someone that would find a more subtle way to get under his skin.

Deviex Ovidio - 10 Solar Sweeps, Ace

♥ - Deviex vaguely knows he needs to get a matesprit but he’s utterly clueless when it comes to dating. Even he’s not really sure what he’s looking for in the red quadrant, only that it’d have to be someone who is very okay with the Weird Shit he does in the basement of his hive. Preferably, someone very hygienic.

♦ - The Good Doctor badly needs a moirail who can slap sense into him, or at least keep him from sticking the local village collectively with hypodermic needles filled with sedatives when he decides he NEEDS a new subject. Someone who accepts his bizarre personality but still works within it to keep him from lashing out. It can’t be someone who settles for ‘you’re acting crazy bruh’. What he has to offer a moirrail is questionable, though it could be said that keeping someone like him on a metaphorical leash might be so draining that it’d stop the other party from doing anything crazy themselves.

♠ - Being Deviex’s kismesis is just asking for trouble. He has a hard time with not going over the line in several regards. It would need to be someone who’s totally fine with being chased (The thrill of the hunt!) but also able to drill through the man’s battered psyche into realizing he doesn’t just want this person as an experiment - he wants this person.

Kormut Ridgar - 9 Solar Sweeps, Pan

♥ - Kormut is a kind and caring troll, which is terrible. Fortunately he’d be a good matesprit, or at least he’d like to hope so. Unfortunately whoever is matesprits with him will almost certainly share in his horrible luck. This may be why he does not have one. Still, he’d like to have one some night (that’s what he whispers to himself, staring up at a distant star before it resolves into a meteorite that takes off the tower of his hive).

♦ - Someone who can toughen him up, quite frankly. While he’s not socially anxious, Kormut is an absolute wuss. He can’t stand to fight, can’t hold his own in a struggle, and cries at the drop of a hat. It’s a little embarrassing. At least he can offer to his moirrail someone who will listen to their problems and help them work through what’s bothering them emotionally.

♠ - Kormut? A kismesis? You must be joking. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. He’d definitely need a moirail first before he could even consider filling his black quadrant. He certainly wants one, he thinks, but he doesn’t have the faintest clue how to get one. Or why anyone would even hate him.

Xrumon Arigah - 12 Solar Sweeps, Pan

♥ - Xrumon can’t really envisage himself getting a matesprit. He doesn’t even think he’d be a good one himself for multiple reasons. He’s utterly confused by someone even admitting they like him in this one.

♦ - Again, of all quadrants, Xrumon probably needs this one the most. He’s bitter, cynical, and depressed. He complains almost constantly and very rarely has anything purely nice to say. He’s good at keeping someone grounded and focused, but he is not the lovey dovey type that will hug someone to cool them off.

♠ - Kismesisitude might actually work for someone as mean spirited as Xrumon... except he also doesn’t think anyone would want him as their black quadrant. He has plenty of spite, but none of it romantically inclined. He pushes people away to get them away, not bring them closer. His kismesis would have to be utterly determined.

Portec Hejira - 9.5 Solar Sweeps, Pan

♥ - Portec needs a fellow daredevil, no question. You can’t be his wingman (or woman) unless you’re ready to live life on the edge. On the plus side, they’ll get free rides on his helicopter. That, however, is also a downside. At least he’ll be very excited to see them every time!

♦ - Someone who can keep Portec from breaking both his arms on a regular basis would be nice. His moirrail would have to drag him down to Alternia and remind him he’s not immortal. Conversely, Portec would be great at pulling someone out of their shell - he’s all positive energy and confidence. Social Anxiety? He gets it, dude, and he’s totally ready to be your backup when you feel like you can’t manage this party (But he really thinks you should try and stick it out bro, it’ll be fun).

♠ - Before we go with the obvious and say ‘oh duh of course a rival pilot’, they don’t have to be someone who flies. It just needs to be someone who basically one-ups or tries to one-up him constantly in whatever ridiculous macho thing he tries next. It’s a classic competitive kismesitude.

Deveii Belmul - 10 Solar Sweeps, Pan

♥ - Deveii doesn’t really do ‘lovey dovey.’ He can be caring, but he will absolutely not be some sickening sweetheart with someone. He basically needs someone to match his ‘don’t give a shit’ attitude about most anything and his complete lack of tact and aggression.

♦ - This has to be someone who can keep him reasonably calm and curb his more homicidal tendencies, which is fairly generic for a moirail let’s be real. But he’s a simple man with simple problems. He gets really pissed off at people failing to take proper care of themselves, but it’s a real toss up as to whether that’ll be enough for him to feel pale.

♠ - Deveii is filled with so much piss and vinegar you might think the whole world is his kismesis, but it’s not. In truth he’s not really sure of who will actually get under his skin in the right way. He offers lots of shouting, screaming, and menacing with both axe and traps, and is extremely competitive and dominant.

Gaveyo Deyloc - 10 Solar Sweeps, Pan

♥ - Gaveyo insists he’s a strong independent yellowblood who doesn’t need a matesprit beyond the conscription requirement, and that’s the truth. What he’s looking for in a matesprit is someone who will go along with his antics with good humor and takes his ribbing in stride. He will never admit this to a soul, but he’d be extremely protective and helpful to the one soul that manages to eke their way into his red quadrant - y’know, in like a friendly ribbing sort of way. It’s hard to judge what sort of troll would make a good matesprit for him, but it should be noted that as mean spirited as he can be, he doesn’t kick really pathetic people while they’re down.

♦ - What Gaveyo needs is someone to tell him when he’s gone too far over the line or when he’s just being an asshole and it’s going to get him killed. However he’s convinced he doesn’t need a moirrail at all, so there. The only thing he can offer to his potential partner-in-crime is that he’s filled with so much confidence that it’s almost infectious, and he won’t stand for his moirrail to be some limp wristed nervous nelly who runs from their issues. He WILL make them deal with their god damn problems and he WILL insist on breaking into their hive until they sit down and deal with them. He’s very insistent like that.

♠ - An extremely difficult ship for Gaveyo have, considering he treats almost everyone with a mild amount of disdain. It’s really hard for him to feel blackrom hatred. It’d take someone who can manage to actually piss him off without actually pissing him off, if that makes any sense.

Yarrex Fissaa - 10 Solar Sweeps, Pan

♥ - Yarrex is an enigma, and so too would be anyone willing to date him in the red quadrant. What he wants is someone in perfect ‘balance’ (whatever that means) but he knows such a thing may not even exist. It’d have to be someone who really gets him, man.

♦ - As a moirrail, Yarrex is a stabilizing element. He can be a calming force while still slipping inside the more deranged of troll society, working from within their strange points of view to get them to settle down. Someone being his moirrail would need to get him to stop being such a weirdo and freaking people out. And maybe get him some help with that balance thing.

♠ - Far from just anyone ‘unbalanced,’ this black quadrant would have to go to someone who goes as far as possible in the opposite direction of peaceful serenity while still retaining their sanity. This isn’t just simple destruction, mind you, it has to be something more than that, and what that is, Yarrex isn’t sure.

Argumi Varsan - 10 Solar Sweeps, Pan

♥ - Ideally it’d be someone too high of a caste for Argumi to read their emotions unintentionally. He’s already ruined several relationships because he can tell when a lowblood was developing something for him or otherwise not doing so. Turns out, not being able to keep secrets from your partner is a bad thing. He’s willing to give almost anyone a shot, but to tell the truth he’s a little jaded by this point - and most people don’t like knowing that their matesprit insists on trying to help other people.

♦ - Argumi is already the city’s moirrail, didn’t you hear? On his radio show? In all honesty he’d need someone who can deal with his empathic abilities and help keep him from losing himself in the thoughts and feelings of other people. Someone who can remind him that he’s still him no matter what, especially in his darker moments. As a moirrail himself, Argumi can offer empathy like no other person truly can. He probably wouldn’t mesh well with any violent trolls, but people who need someone to hear them out would work well with him.

♠ - Probably his most difficult quadrant. Argumi’s ire can be easy to earn, but hard to keep when he can see your every thought. He’s not really sure if he’s even ready to handle a kismesis without a moirrail to keep him centered.

Gerrel Mitius - 10 Solar Sweeps, Pan

♥ - Gerrel is now trying to actively move on from his past, horribly ended relationship. He’s still plagued by regret and doubt about himself from it, but thanks to therapy, and his moirail probably telling him he should ‘deffo find someone else to make out with or whatever,’ he’s doing his best. He’s trying out online dating, and he likes people who are self motivated, enjoy nature, and won’t complain too much if he tries to really go all out on Acts of Service.

♦ - Fulfilled by Callan Ranpoe (raitrolling) #the prince and the pauper

♠ - Don’t tell Eichio this, but Gerrel almost certainly has a burgeoning blackrom crush on him. He won’t even admit it to himself, because workplace fraternization is sure to be frowned upon. This quadrant is as good as taken - though who knows, maybe Eichio won’t reciprocate and further destroy Gerrel’s self-esteem! The redblood servant strives to be orderly and complete, and it drives him nuts that this stupid optimistic yellowblood who thinks it’ll all be okay while also competing with him is supposedly his superior.

Platar Hacalo - 9 Solar Sweeps, Ace

♥ - Platar’s not really sure he can even have red feelings. He’s certainly never had one in his memory. It’s likely he’d feel red towards someone who could match his devotion in some way, but even that’s a tossup. An inscrutable, somewhat irritable man, Platar’s feelings are a mystery even to him. All he really knows is that asking to see his face more than once is an immediate turn off.

♦ - This one is possibly required before he can even take any other quadrants. Someone needs to get him to stop being such a zealot in regards to his beliefs, before he accidentally incinerates the troll who could have been his matesprit. Someone able to ‘defuse’ his naturally homicidal nature would be helpful, in whatever way that manifests. As a moirrail, Platar can only really offer his program of constant improvement: forcibly dragging someone out from being a sad, pathetic wreck into tackling problems head on.

♠ - Similar to the red quadrant, Platar can’t distinguish his usual hatred for blackrom hatred. His moirrail will have his hands full indeed.

#damath things #deviex things #kormut things #xrumon thinngs #portec things #deveii things #gaveyo things #yarrex things #argumi things #gerrel things #platar things #quadrants post #text post terror #shipping quarterly

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drblueneck · 4 years

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Building Suna (fanfic headcanon)

Maybe you remember my post about “Customs of the Lands”. Weeeell, I couldn’t stop thinking about Suna, and this happened.

Frankly, the making of Suna was a bit accidental. It was never meant on purpose, following a set of asinine actions that eventually led to a full-blown village.

It all started with the rumours of what happened in the East with the warring clans of Fire Country.

They had come to a truce, the rumours said. They talk about building a whole village, came the whispers.

There had never been the same tensions in this side of Wind Country, the desert being the common enemy. Day to day life was a game of survival: food was scarce, and sometimes, you were the food; the scorching sand was unmerciful during the day and taunting at night, sheltering venomous critters that would love to touch human flesh. If you were enough of a fool to wander around the desert, you soon learned to channel chakra to the sole of your feet to avoid directly touching the sand and its inhabitants.

The desert gave as much as it took, it was the well-known rule, but when it gave... it was always plentiful, and that's why so many families kept striding along dunes, the fear of the desert swallowed by the gratitude they had for it. But when they heard about Fire Country and the united clans... wanderers grew envious.

This was how Sato ended up looking for an elusive red-haired man said to thrive in the deepest part of the sand-covered land. Some went so far as to say that he was born from the desert. "He's a yokai," someone once told him at a travelling outpost. Sato had laughed, not really caring about this superstition. "I wouldn't mind the protection of a yokai!" was what he had said, and the statement was still true.

Not much was known about the Yokai wanderer apart from the fact that he never went out of the desert and seemed to disappear in sand storms when someone approached him. It didn't stop Sato from seeking him, following chakra tracks as best as he could on the scattered grains of sand: if it was time to seek alliances, what better way to start than with the one wanderer who could whisper to sand? Oh he'd heard all about that! He didn't know if it was the so-called shinobi arts or the power of spirits, all he knew is that nobody wanted to cross the path of a man who could bury you in seconds under the dunes. With him, Sato's safety would be ensured and he could offer his services as a snake tamer and doctor - he was proud to say he knew most species in the desert and had an antidote for all venoms.

It took him weeks to finally find the Yokai, and it was all an accident. Oasis were rare, and though his camel seemed to do alright, it wasn’t the case for Sato. Sweating under his turban, he leant forward, trying to put his forehead against his camel’s neck to perhaps doze off a little. Instead, he slid right off his mounture and tumbled all the way down the gigantic dune the camel had been traipsing along. He was abruptly stopped by a foot roughly trapping his body against the sand as though he was a ball. Coughing a mouthful of sand, Sato blearily opened his eyes, blinking as the sun burnt his retinas, and took a look at the shadow hovering over him.

This had been his first meeting with the red-haired wanderer. Since then, Sato never left, following the reluctant red-head around. He never got a name, and the man outright laughed at the one he was given.

“Yokai? That’s a new one... I’m just a glassmaker.”

“Really?” Sato had enquired, dubious. He didn’t look like a merchant at all. All he had on him was a fat gourd where he kept his “special” sand, though he did demonstrate his skills at glassmaking and Sato had been awed by the delicate sculptures that came to life. “But people say you disappear with the sand!”

Then, leaning towards the red-head, Sato made an exaggerated whisper, “You can tell me, I won’t repeat it to anyone!”

But the man just smiled and continued to pour sand in his right palm before breathing fire and wind on it.

He did get a name in the end. “Call me Sabaku,” he had said with humour as they strode in the desert. “After all, I am born from the sand!” Sato didn’t appreciate the mockery, but at least he could stop calling him a Yokai.

I really don’t know why I did this. It just stuck with me! I can’t help but imagine Sato and Sabaku just encountering people by chance and ending up with strays following them, then they’re just a huge group gallivanting in the desert thankful for Sabaku’s protection, and they end up just making a permanent camp, then a fucking home village, and hey, why not becoming ninjas so we can bring money to sustain the village? And yeah. I’m already in love with this headcanon.

Anyone interested in more? lmao

#Suna #Headcanon #naruto fanfic

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petty-crush · 4 years

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I had a particularly wonderful viewing-rewatch of “Ninja Scroll” (already a long time favorite) that I’m compelled to do a deep dive dive dive.

I’m very drawn towards the original Japanese audio. There is a guttural weariness in those voices that so fit the film. The deciding point was when Jubei finally sees Gemma and screams his name. The original is like a man ripped out of of his gourd. The English dub is a man slightly irritated. No comparison for me.

As far as action antagonists-there can be only one films, this is one of the most dexterous and well paced story structures I have ever seen. It has the lone hero, buddy team up, sensei, band of outsiders, uneasy alliance, old comrades scenarios; and it juggles them all perfectly.

Every character’s wants and reasons are perfectly communicated. Every bit of information given pays off later.

Consider; after a especially tough battle(with a blind samurai) Jubei casually confronts Kagero about (what he considers) her reckless actions and utter lack of value in her own life. Kagero pushes back, saying that her life has no value cause of her loneliness. An isolation caused by her poisonous body. She teases him to kiss her and die by her lips. Several scenes later Jubei is tender with her as she lies dying, and he gives her a soulful kiss, that gives her the joy of real connection while curing him of the toxins put in his body.

There is no line of dialogue to remind the audience at the moment of affection, the director Yoshiaki Kawajiri trusts his audience to pay attention and notice the subtle acting of two vigilant loners eventually lowering their guard.

Fucking magnificent.

[There are other small details; we the audience knows Jubei is poisoned but Kagero does not. When he leans in to mock kiss, she pulls back. We wonder if Jubei will be cured this way. He asks if the poison twisted her heart. She reacts with angry, knowing it is the truth. Jubei does it out of respect for her.

That same respect continues when Kagero learns he is infected and offers her body. Feeling it is out of pity, Jubei hugs her then walks away. Throwing away his life(it seems). Surprising Kagero and us. Only after professed love happens does he become tender]

This is —one reason—why I feel this film is so endlessly rewatch-able and great. There are codes of conduct each character follows, but their behavior, their emotions, their desires seep through. There is a beating vulnerable heart under all the blood, staying strong in a world of trials and tribulations.

Another reason is the utterly high craftsmanship and visual line of actions that move this film. It is alive. It retroactively gained the subtitle “the motion picture” (after the tv show) and it fits perfectly. This film has a frame that is bursting with energy, barely contained on the screen. Even during quiet moments.

After all, no story is worth a damn as a film unless it moves. And this film balances both harmoniously, like a piece of music.

The stone warrior killing ninjas, their bodies falling from trees, while the blood rains on them and stains the grass. The snake tattoos oozing into the water. The reflection of hero in the blind man’s sword as he rushes him. That headbutt as Jubei alters Gemma’s biology.

To my eyes, “Scroll” has a legit reputation as a masterpiece of trashy violence. Of sleazy cinema. Which is frankly beautiful and worthy enough. That it shows a humanist heart under all the distilled chaos is even more awe inspiring.

And the extras-

A matter of fact way sexual freedom and fluidity is shown between warriors. That the woman in this film not only has something to do but saves the male hero multiple times and makes it possible for him to actually survive and beat the otherwise unstoppable villain. That a rapist’s actions proved to be his ultimate undoing. Lover’s quarrels among villains. The fucking bees.

These are all details, little cherries atop of of a meticulously orchestrated tale of honor and violence. Utterly unpredictable and resonate.

I stand by it as an all timer. In any category.

#ninja scroll #yoshiaki kawajiri #long reads #film #anime #rewatch thoughts #great film

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precuredaily · 5 years

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Precure Day 148

Episode: Futari wa Precure Splash Star 49 - “In Top Form! Forever Friends Under the Starry Sky!” Date watched: 29 July 2019 Original air date: 28 January 2007 Screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/LingrF5? Project info and master list of posts: http://tinyurl.com/PCDabout

words don’t do this justice

note: I may revise this later if i look back and think of more to say. I probably will, bit i wanted to push this out now for personal reasons.

This is it. The finale. We finally made it! From November to now, Splash Star has been a long road plagued by personal difficulties and stubbornness and some lost sleep along the way, but I made it! And boy do we have a lot to discuss!

The Plot

When we left off, Saki, Mai, Michiru, and Kaoru, were infused with the power of spirits and transformed into Cures Bloom, Egret, Bright, and Windy. Gohyaan mocks their resolve and points out how all life is gone and there’s no light, no wind, nothing. It’s a world of ruin, except for the four of them, and he’s about to fix that. They battle, and as the girls again try to explain why they consider life so valuable, Gohyaan explains his backstory. He is an existence predating the universe, and he doesn’t like the commotion of life, so he wants to go back to the quiet. The girls won’t let that happen, because they have so much to live for. Gohyaan destroys the entire Earth, and thinks this is the end for them, but no! Saki explains how she needs to lead the softball team to victory. Michiru wants to try baking bread, because Saki’s is so delicious. Kaoru wants to draw with Minori and Mai, Choppi wants to live in the Land of Fountains, Flappi wants to confess his feelings, and Mai wants to keep drawing everyone’s smiles. They stand up, gather their power, and all together they perform a brand new four-person finishing attack: Precure Spiral Heart Splash Star!

This is too much for Gohyaan to handle and as the girls proclaim the strength of their hopes and futures, he is blown away.

The spirits of the various fountains and the Fairy Carafe reappear, and they restore everything to its original, beautiful state. We see all six fountains one final time, as the girls stand in front of the Sky Tree as they realize that it’s connected to the World Tree in the Land of Fountains. Princess Filia is fully restored to power, and Korone returns to being a normal, non-talking cat. However, Michiru and Kaoru have exhausted the last of their remaining energy, and they begin to fade away. Saki, Mai, Flaapi, Choppi, Moop, and Foop all cry deeply, not wanting to let their friends go, and even Filia seems sad but unable to do anything. However, a miracle occurs as the spirits of the Land of Greenery flow into the two, and Filia deduces that the spirits themselves want to live with the Michiru and Kaoru. They’re restored to life, and Princess Filia finally returns to her place in the Tree of Life.

At this point the first ending theme begins to play as we get a montage of events: All four girls visiting the Fountain of the Sky at long last, fulfilling that promise. Waving a tearful goodbye to their fairies. Mai and Kaoru drawing in school. The girls sitting on Gourd Rock in the spring. Saki and Michiru baking. And then, the softball tournament. Kaoru and Minori have drawn a picture to support Saki, while Michiru baked some bread in the shape of Saki’s head. Kaya, Miyasako, Kenta, Hitomi, Yuuko, and Mai are all in the stands anticipating the game. Saki looks into the stands and sees Izumida, the former captain, and suddenly gets nervous. She walks out of sight, and Mai walks up to her. They hold hands and Saki comments about how holding hands lets Mai’s energy flow through her, a callback to an earlier episode.

Then Saki walks out onto the field. Next thing we know, we’re treated to a few of Mai’s drawings: Saki holding the championship trophy, indicating they won. Everybody gathered together with Saki: Mai, Michiru, Kaoru, Kenta, Miyasako, Kaya, Hitomi, Yuuko, Izumida, Ms. Shinohara, Saki’s parents, Mai’s parents, Minori, Kazuyua, Korone, and all the fairies. Basically, every major character in the series. How nobody saw the fairies is not answered, and I have to assume it’s actually a photograph that Mai copied but details aside, it’s a great picture.

We zoom out to see Saki and Mai sitting beneath the Sky Tree, closing the sketchbook, and the real credits roll.

The Analysis

I absolutely love every minute of this. Even with the powers of all four spirits, Gohyaan is a formidable opponent, but the girls hold their own and manage to overcome him in the end. What is the power of destruction next to an indestructible will? He underestimates the power, the value, of life, and that is his ultimate undoing. He gets the peace and quiet he wants.... at the cost of his existence. And, indeed, this explains the Uzainaa’s name. It’s derived from “Urusai na”, which means “it’s annoying”. Gohyaan is an existence that predates the universe, and he doesn’t like the commotion created by life. It’s a darkly mundane reason to want to try to destroy everything, and frankly he should find a new hobby, but maybe in the end he learned that life is precious. Doesn’t seem like it, though. Honestly I don’t have much to say about the battle itself. There’s some good scenes, like this part where the cures all flip Gohyaan, but it’s more of an exchange of wills than a physical fight. Both are important aspects, as I’ve commented many times, I just want to note that the physical stuff was done last episode.

Let’s talk Michiru and Kaoru. Officially, they don’t get new designations even with the powers of Moon and Wind, because the idea at the time was still that Precures were only ordinary girls, but I think they deserve to be called Cure Bright and Cure Windy. Their journey is heartbreaking, even if their death was an inevitability and they were given a new lease on life very quickly. They never deserved what they got, but their tragedy is a part of this show I honestly forgot about, and I think it makes it more powerful. I knew Splash Star was an underrated gem but I had forgotten the depths of tragedy the Kiryuus were in, I kind of thought everything was pretty hunky-dory when they got back. Their journey escalates this show to a higher tier in my view, and I’ll have to remember that when making recommendations.

Obviously, they already had powers from being Dark Fall denizens, and getting Cure abilities doesn’t make them innately better, but it’s a great next step for them, epitomizing the journey they’ve undergone from mindless servants of Akudaikaan to friends and sisters who have a network of people who care about and support them, discovering their own interests, and getting to live life. They are every inch heroes in the way that Saki and Mai are and they have been done dirty by the franchise writ large.

The epilogue gives us a lot of things I really wanted. Michiru and Kaoru finally get some casual clothes, and they are really stylish.

Also, we fast forward to spring and see them in spring outfits and Michiru’s outfit is extremely similar to Nagisa’s spring clothes.

I’m happy to see them living normal lives, practicing baking and art and getting to experience life, finally. They seem so happy and I’m sure they have a bright future ahead of them and GOD DAMN IT TOEI WHY DO YOU IGNORE THEM. They were lucky to get Figuarts.

The softball championship game is something else I honestly forgot happened. I commented back in the last softball episode (35 I think) that we would never see Saki lead the team to victory the next year, because the show didn’t get a second season. Well, they took care of that here, and Saki did live up to her promise to Izumida by winning the championship.

In general it’s a lot of tying up loose ends that I really appreciate. Flappi finally confessed his feelings to Choppi and they’re a couple now, Kenta and Miyasako are still going strong as a manzai duo, Yuuko feels inspired by his encouragement even if they don’t seem to be a couple, and... well, the last closure we got on Saki and Kazuya was in the Christmas episode, but that’s just as well because Saki’s only love is Mai. For real though I love that the episode closes out on them being close, and you can choose to interpret their friendship any way you choose. It’s just perfect for this show.

Oh and there’s a little epilogue after the ending theme. On the TV broadcast it was probably a preview for Yes! 5, but we don’t get that here. Instead we get , some stills of Saki and Mai thanking everybody for watching, and saying that Precure will continue for a long time! And boy, truer words were never spoken.

Next time on precure Daily, I’m going to revisit a little Splash Star something that I forgot to do sooner. After that, I’m going to try to push out a retrospective on the entire Futari wa era, before we change up the formula big time with Yes 5. My goal is to finish Yes 5 by the end of 2019, but if I’m really good I might even be able to start GoGo this year. I don’t want to drag another show out for 8 months, so we’ll see where we end up. I hope to see all of you again soon!

Pink Precure Catchphrase Count: 1 Zekkouchou Nari!, in the title of the episode.

#Precure #Pretty Cure #Futari wa Precure Splash Star #FWPCSS49 #PCD148

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the-coconut-asado · 5 years

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Crazy for Kiwi Crickets

When it comes to eating out in Fiji, you are only as good as your last success.

Consistently get it right and the punters will flock. Anything less than excellent and it’s ‘Maaan that place has gone downhill – but the duck soup at Harbour Centre is the Bomb!’ You can’t actually get duck soup at Harbour Centre, but anything with duck in Suva is a sure-fire winner as they are in constant short supply.

Fiji is always in pursuit of the New Big Thing. That duck soup place I mentioned was actually the New Big Thing once, so was The Guava Café (doorstep griddled toast and Land of the Giant-sized portions); Singh’s burn-your-ring curry house and the Chinese restaurant at Samabula where you got a decent takeaway and a ringside seat at a sailors’ punch up.

There are some classics that never go out of fashion. The cream buns at Hot Bread Kitchen – the ‘cream’ is actually buttercream and they sell them in sets of six like monkey bread so yeah, good luck with just eating one; Cardo’s Steakhouse in Denarau – they claim their cattle are descendants of Argentine castaways from the 19th century (kind of yarn that could spark a punch up in that Samabula Chinese restaurant, but the steaks ARE consistently good); Friday seafood lunch at Suva Bowling Club (you may not recognise half the seafood on your plate, and that’s a good thing); And, sadly closed now, The Cottage – tucked behind the main drag in Suva, serving the best local Fiji food and only open at lunchtime. And didn’t we all wail when the owner retired and shut up shop after decades of top-quality chow.

Anyway, it’s quite something when the New Big Thing is your sister-in-law’s café. Weta (Coffee) Fiji, the fifth child of Mue and her husband Darran, opened its doors in March this year.

The café gets its name from a gerbil-sized cricket native to New Zealand. A quick google search and you can watch a film of a weta fighting a foraging pig, so maybe not exotic pet material.

While the lion’s share of daily sales will always be the coffee (and we returned with bags of beans to London, it’s that good), it’s the food at Weta that’s getting the lion’s share of hype. World Health Organisation apparatchiks would probably advise not have more than one Honey Butter Waffle a month, yet people are spectacularly carb-loading these Weta signature goodies daily on their way to work. Take a look at the picture below and you could so easily join them.

Aside from the waffle-fest, Mue and cousin Cherie (whose aunt founded that other Fiji café classic Bulaccino) have entered into a kind of foodie face-off with each other, competing to see who can come up with the most mouth-watering innovations. The Honey Butter Waffles already give 1-0 to Mue; but ever thought of combining crispy nuggets of bacon with a rich mayonnaise, slathering it on a chicken schnitzel and sandwiching it all in a toasted mini baguette? Then check out their Chicken Baconnaise Panini and Cherie evens the score. How about a teal-green smoothie that tastes fruity and delicious but you don’t know why? Place your order for their Ugly Green Juice - a joint invention so let’s call it a draw. I assiduously worked my way through most of their menu over two weeks and couldn’t find much that was less than evil genius.

Because this is a family concern, and Mue does a lot of her experimenting in her own kitchen, I got caught up in the whole entrepreneurial swirl when we were there this summer. Watching while Mue, with apparent carelessness cloaking a keen cook’s eye, tossed ingredients for her Marsala Chai muffins into the food processor at 5 in the morning while simultaneously whipping up a vegan version of her waffle mix. Slavishly watching her EPOS app to see if the sales dial had moved to kerching! levels – in short, generally starting to catch the fever of the hospitality business owner. Is Suva ready for Kava Hot Chocolate? (Kava is the ceremonial drink of Fiji with delicate overtones of mud). Apparently yes, and at least 10 people on the first day of sales had a dreamless sleep that night. Another invention marked up to Mue and another profit stream.

Having eaten our body weight in tropical breakfast patisserie, we left Suva for a few days to head to our own New Big Thing on Fiji’s Other Big Island.

Savusavu is a picturesque town with a bay big enough to host a fistful of yachts and a marina to moor them. Even though it’s popular, the road to Savusavu – which nestled on the South coast of Vanua Levu - is one less travelled compared to the resort islands of Western Viti Levu. It has a reputation as a millionaire’s playground and we were told ‘be careful, you won’t want to come back’ (do people wrongly assume that we are at home in the company of dicks with yachts?). Anyway, they weren’t wrong about the beauty of the place, and I can now tell them a few tales about some unexpected food epiphanies.

The first was thanks to Sarah, the owner of the Gecko Guesthouse. It said in our Airbnb blurb that she would throw in a cooking lesson if we asked nicely. Which we did, and she obliged, if a little reluctantly at first. We spent one chilled-out evening learning her techniques for snake bean and bitter gourd curries (be sparing rather than slavish with your spices), a-ma-zing fish madras (although we can’t get fresh walu in the West, swordfish would be a decent substitute) and clever hack for cooking rice (err, use an electric rice maker).

However, the piece de resistance of Savusavu is a ‘dive’ (my friend Ije’s word when he saw the Insta post) called Arun’s Hidden Taste of Paradise.

The name felt a bit at odds with its appearance, which is a little grubby and dishevelled, but don’t be fooled. The clue is in the word ‘hidden’ because if you make it through their mesh-covered door you will taste cassava chips which are meltingly creamy on the inside and quadruple-cooked crispy on the outside and, hands down, the best butter chicken I have eaten in my life. The eponymous Arun, both owner and cook, seemed frankly scared when I asked for a photo, so I didn’t push on asking for the recipe – but kept the flavour profile running around in my head for the rest of the trip.

Obsessed as I was, I hunted down ingredients lists for butter chicken on my bookshelves and I think I have found a pretty good match in Vivek Singh, who based his Cinnamon Club classic on a 1950’s recipe from the Moti Mahal in Old Delhi. But then I saw a recipe for a curry pie in last month’s Delicious Magazine and had the brainwave to make this pie with the butter chicken. And while you might have to make the trip to Suva to get Mue’s original and best Honey Butter Waffles TM, I have slightly adapted her Chai Latte and Choc Chip Muffins and Ugly Green juice here.

So raise your Ugly-Green juice-filled glass to New Big Things. And watch out for the next one - the launch of Mue and Darran’s Writers Lodge guesthouse with Kava Bar and Weta Café later this Autumn.

You can follow them on @wetafiji.

Butter Chicken Pie

You can just make this butter chicken straight with pilau rice and all the trimmings, but turning it into a pie takes it to the next level. This pastry is super short and crispy, thanks to a mix of butter and lard. Don’t be put off by the long list of ingredients or the processes. It’s dead easy over a lazy Sunday and the flavours are so worth it. Serves 4.

Ingredients:

For the butter chicken:

800g boneless, skinless chicken thighs, cut into bite-sized pieces

One red chilli and some coriander leaves

1 large red pepper, seeded and cut into strips

For the marinade:

120g Greek yoghurt

5 garlic cloves, grated or crushed

1 inch piece of ginger, peeled and grated

1 tbsp sunflower oil

Juice of 1 large lemon

Kosher salt and pepper to taste

3 tsp chilli powder

1 tsp ground cumin

½ tsp garam masala

½ tsp turmeric

For the sauce:

8-10 tomatoes

1 in piece of ginger, half grated and half chopped finely

4 garlic cloves, grated or crushed

4 green cardamom pods, 2 cloves, 1 bay leaf

2 tsp chilli powder

80g salted butter, diced

2 green chillies, split lengthwise but still joined at the stem

80ml single cream

A few dried fenugreek leaves

1tsp garam masala

1 tbsp. sugar

For the spiced butter:

1 Tbsp. ghee

1 tsp black mustard seeds

1 tsp. crushed chillies

For the pastry:

230g plain flour

1 tsp kosher salt

65g salted butter, and 50g lard, both chilled and cubed

4tsp. soured cream

1 tbsp. apple cider vinegar( or use white wine vinegar as a substitute)

4 tsp. water

1 egg., beaten

3 tbsp. lime pickle (I like Pataks)

2 tbsp. sugar

How to make:

First marinate the chicken. Mix all marinade ingredients, stir in the chicken, cover and pop in the fridge for at least 2 hours, or preferably overnight.

Heat the oven to 220C/ Gas 9. Spread the chicken pieces out in one layer on a large baking tray, leaving a margin on the side to say out the strips of red pepper, tossed in a tsp. olive oil. Cook for 15-20 mins, turning the pieces halfway through so that they cook evenly. Remove from the oven and set aside while you make the sauce.

Slice the tomatoes in half and put in a large saute pan with 125 ml water, grated ginger, garlic, cardamom, cloves and bay leaf. Simmer, covered for about 25 mins until the tomatoes are mushy (the aroma from this simmer will already be driving you wild with desire). Remove the whole spices, add the chilli powder and simmer for a further 10 mins (Vivek likes to push the tomatoes through a sieve and just use the resultant puree, but I prefer my sauce to be a bit more rugged, a little less refined).

Add the chicken pieces and the red pepper slices and all their juices and give it a good stir. Slowly stir in the butter, a couple of cubes at a time, and simmer for about 8 minutes until the chicken is cooked through. Add the chopped ginger, chillies and cream and simmer for a minute or two longer. Stir in 1 tsp.kosher salt, crumble in the fenugreek leaves and the garam masala. Adjust the seasoning if necessary then add the sugar.

In a separate small pan, warm up all the ingredients for the spiced butter until the seeds start to pop. At this stage you can serve the Butter Chicken with the spiced butter spooned over the top, but if progressing with the pie (which I urge you to do) , then set both the chicken and the spiced butter to one side.

Now make the pastry (you can also make this ahead and chill, just bring back to room temperature before rolling out). Combine the flour , salt and a generous grind of black pepper in a food processor. Add the butter and lard and blitz until it has the texture of fine breadcrumbs. In a separate bowl, mix the soured cream, vinegar and water then add to the flour and butter mix and just blitz until the mixture starts to come together (don’t overwork it). Turn out onto a floured surface and bring together into a smooth ball. Wrap in cling film then chill for at least 30 mins.

Heat the oven to 200C/ Gas 6. Brush the rim of your pie dish with the beaten egg, then fill the dish with the butter chicken and drizzle the spiced butter all over the surface. Roll out the pastry in a circle big enough to cover the pie dish, then lay over the top of the dish, crimping the edges to seal and trim off any surplus pastry to neaten the edges. Cut a small cross in the middle to let the steam out during cooking and make some pastry leaves with any pastry offcuts.

Brush all over with the rest of the egg glaze then pop in the fridge for 10 minutes.During that 10 minutes, make the lime pickle glaze by mixing the pickle with 2 tbsp. boiling water and the sugar. Set aside.

Bake the pie for 40 mins then brush all over with the lime pickle glaze and bake for 15 mins more. Serve garnished with the chilli (dipped in a little oil to make it glisten) and a few coriander leaves.

Mue’s Chai Latte Choc Chip Muffins (and some variations)

When I asked Mue for the recipe she had to quantify her instincts on ingredients, (and thanks for leaving out the eggs first time round missus) but the results were judged by those who ate them as ‘the best they have ever had’. I have slightly adjusted the recipe, using chai latte mix instead of masala chai and used my favourite buttermilk instead of sour cream. (makes 12 generous muffins)

Ingredients:

3.5 cups flour (about 350g) plain flour

3 tbsp. baking powder

1 tbsp chai latte powder

Pinch kosher salt

125g butter, melted

200g sugar

2 tbsp. Coconut oil, melted

2 tsp vanilla

2 cups buttermilk and maybe a tbsp of milk

2 eggs

1 50g packet of chocolate chips plus a few extra for serving

For the streusel topping:

20g plain flour

10g sugar

10g butter

1 tsp. Chai latte powder

How to make

Heat the oven to 220C/ Gas 7-8. Line a 12 cup muffin tin with muffin holders (I like the tulip-shaped ones in the photo).

In a large bowl, mix the flour, baking powder, sugar, chai latte powder and salt. In separate bowl mix the melted, cooled butter and coconut oil with the beaten eggs, Buttermilk, splash of milk (1 tbsp) and the vanilla paste. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and mix with a wooden spoon until a thick, gloopy consistency. Add a little more milk if the mix is too stiff. You want it not quite falling off your spoon. Then fold in the chocolate chips.

In a third bowl, rub the butter into the flour until you have fine breadcrumbs then mix in the sugar and chai latte.

Fill the muffin cups evenly (about 2 tbsp. Mix per cup), then top with the streusel and pop in the oven, turning the heat down immediately to 180C/ Gas 5. Bake for 30 mins until a skewer comes out clean from the centre, then remove from the oven and dot each muffin with a few more chocolate chips cool and serve.

Variations

For Blueberry muffins, omit the chai latte powder and choc chips and stir in 3 oz fresh blueberries into the muffin mix. Bake as before.

For Apple, Pecan and Golden Syrup muffins. Melt 2 tbsp golden syrup with the butter and coconut oil, then add all the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients as before. Fold in 1 grated apple and 50g coarsely chopped pecans into the muffin mix then bake as before. Dot each muffin with a few more chopped pecans when out of the oven and before they cool.

Mue and Cherie’s Ugly Green Juice

This is the colour of verdigris but tastes delightful. Just shut your eyes and drink (or colour match with your nail polish, like here).

Ingredients:

½ cup frozen strawberries

2 tsp acai berry powder or lingonberry powder

2 tsp Splenda or Stevia sweetener

4 tsp. Spirulina

1-2 Cups nut milk (try to get a nice think consistency, so start with 1 cup and add more to taste

How to Make

Put all your ingredients into a blender, blitz till smooth and serve.

It’s that simple.

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transboygenius · 5 years

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SE4SON: Chapter 18

[*Meanwhile, in the modern world*]

A sleep deprived, messy Judy Neutron was screaming at the RPD (Retroville Police Department) through the phone, accompanied by a sane, and frightened, Mrs. Dean.

"What do you mean there's still no lead?! I don't care how early in the morning it is! Shouldn't you boys be doing your job?! Whatever happened to serve and protect?! It's been a week since I've lost my Jamie!" "Jimmy." Mrs. Dean corrected. "Jimmy, I mean! My son Jimmy! For being gone that long, who knows what has happened to him?! He's got a gourd shaped head, and an ice cream cowlick hairdo! How is that hard for you to miss?! Yeah? Well then, search around the globe if you have to-"

The RPD then hung up. Poor Judy. It was 5:00 in the morning. She literally won't rest until she finds her son in one piece. She hasn't bathed in five days, and tried using perfume instead. Sleep meant nothing to her no more, so she drinks at least three cups of coffee a day. Possibly more. She hasn't cooked in awhile, either. Just ordering takeout and reheating frozen foods. It isn't like Judy to not prepare a home cooked meal for more than one day. She's been pulling all nighters, circling the whole town, or country, in her car, stapling posters everywhere, and searching for her Jimmy. She's like a detective on a stakeout. All this lack of rest has turned her mind loopy. For some unknown reason, she keeps accidentally addressing "Jimmy" as "Jamie." Apart from the fact that Nick is gone too, Mrs. Dean is also there as Judy's emotional support.

"Judy, you need to calm down. Here, have some warm tea." "Calm down? Calm down! There's no time to calm down, now that I know that the RPD isn't any help!" "There's always time to calm down. Wherever your son is, he's probably fine for now! He's smart enough to take care of himself." "How would you know?! Your son isn't lost!" "Technically, he is." "Oh... But are you even making an effort to find him?" "I'm doing what I can to find him! The reason I came up to you to begin with was to figure out what my son has in connection with yours!" "Shouldn't you be able to know that yourself? You are his mother, right? A mother always knows her child best!" "If I could! Nick is easy to read as a closed book. We don't communicate so often. I think it has something to do with his father being so unpleasant." "You can save me the sob story for later! I gotta phone the next police department!" "No! Stop!" "I must find Jamie!" "Jimmy!" "My name is Judy, dammit!"

................................

[*That morning*]

Jimmy fell asleep with the diary laying on his face. While both him and Nick usually wake up by the rooster's cry, Nick removed the diary and shook him awake.

"Nick? Is it breakfast time?" "No, not yet. You gotta help me." "*Looks at the broom in his hands* You need help cleaning?" "I need you to help me from HER."

Nick was then surprised by a hard smack on the back, by a mop. Sally was trying to fight with him, in hopes to help the "Silver Knight" regain his memory. All Nick has done so far was block out her attacks. Not that he would make a lousy swordsman, he just can't bring himself to hit someone much younger than him. Instead of actual swords, their using cleaning implements. The battle begun when Sally woke Nick up with a smack on the chest. No matter what he told her, she just wouldn't believe him.

"Fight back, Nick! Trying knocking the weapon out of my hand! It might give you some nostalgia!" "Little girl, we're not a pair of enchanted cartoon characters! We're just two lost boys from the future! I'll prove it to you! Cageflix! Ramen Bowl! Internet!" "Stop making up excuses to back out and fight me!" "You're four years younger than me!"

Jimmy then broke up the fight.

"Hey, Sally?" Asked Jimmy. "Yes?" Replied Sally. "Wouldn't you like to meet our friends? You know, the ones who illegally inherit this ranch?" "But we're in the middle of something!" "You must meet them now, cuz if you don't, they might think we're holding a hostage captive." "Yeah. And we already have this mean Christian fanatic who thinks we're the devil's spawns." Said Nick.

Rolling her eyes, Sally then put down her mop, and decided to let Jimmy and Nick lead her into the hut. To make a good impression for keeping a stranger, Nick began to make breakfast: Moose sandwiches, blueberry strudels, and freshly squeezed orange juice. He also put on some coffee. Sally began to drool from looking at Nick's fine art.

"It looks great! Guess you learned something while under amnesia! Although, it'd really be fun to see Jimmy, here, turn a morsel of meat into a whole cured ham before my eyes." Said Sally, clutching a knife and fork.

Jimmy got annoyed by her comment, since he doesn't exactly believe in magic. Just in time, a weary Diana, Rodent Girl, and Benson entered the kitchen. Sally was intrigued by Diana's appearance. She has never seen a woman that large before. Rodent Girl went over to the cupboard to fetch her coffee mug. Being so drowsy, she spoke in her usual, monotone morning voice, and greeted Sally like she was a regular to them. Diana and Benson were both shocked to see a little girl, they've never seen before, in their kitchen. The two stood in silence for a few seconds, and frankly so did Jimmy, Nick, and Sally.

"Morning, Jimmy. Morning, Nick. Morning, kid I don't even know." Greeted a tired Rodent Girl. "Uhhhhhh, Miss Oona... Aren't you the slightest surprised at the unexpected guest?" Asked Benson. "I'm too tired to emote."

Diana looked Sally straight in the eye. Sally was frozen from the buff lady's eye contact, despite that she didn't look ominous.

"Hello?" Asked Diana. "H-hi?" Replied Sally. "HOLY, MACARONI! THERE'S A KID WE DON'T KNOW SITTING RIGHT HERE IN OUR KITCHEN!" Screamed Rodent Girl, after drinking her coffee.

Jimmy then decided to explain the whole thing, and Nick served as his second voice. The two boys told them about how this little girl followed them due to some misidentification for a Wise Wizard and Silver Knight ("It's not a misidentification! It's true!"), how they welcomed her into their hospitality since her parents were caught victim of a penalty, and how she's under no one's care because it's illustrated by king's law that orphans must serve their entire youth in laborism. Diana was so moved by Sally's backstory. She started sobbing, her eyes watered, and she swept the little girl off the ground.

"*Weeping* How can any man be so cruel, as to separate a child away from their family?! They may never experience the warm embrace of a mother or father ever again! That is so INHUMAN!" Said Diana. "I'm terribly sorry for your loss, young lady." Benson spoke casually. "I second that." And so did Rodent Girl. "That's it?! What on Earth is wrong with you two?! This child's parents have been hanged, all for the greater good! Could you try showing at least a small dose of your sympathy?!" "I find that very difficult, since my parents have always neglected me." Benson replied casually. "And I was abandoned at birth." And SO did Rodent Girl. "You heartless brutes!"

Diana then put Sally down.

"Little girl...!" Said Diana. "This little girl has a name, you know." Replied Sally. "...I don't care if I have to steal overtime to feed another mouth around here! Consider us your new family!" "Uhh, thanks! Very much! (That's neat! A buff mom, a mousy older sister, and a girly uncle!)" "Let me introduce everyone! I'm Diana! This is Rodent Girl, Benson, *Points out the window* Butterscotch, and there's Mitzi, but she's currently at work right now. You can meet her later! She's real nice! She may be even nicer to you. You've already met Jimmy and Nick!" "The legendary Wise Wizard and Silver Knight!" "What now?" Asked Rodent Girl. "No, we're not! It's just a coincidence! I don't even believe in magic!" Exclaimed Jimmy. "The Wise Wizard and Silver Knight. I thought their warm, loving relationship reminded me of some pair." Quote Benson. "HA! See?" Bragged Sally. "Wait a minute. You mean to tell me they were real?" Asked Nick. "Mm! I was just a tiny lad at that time. Although I've never really met them, I did follow them around among tall crowds, trying to get their autograph, since they were quite popular to the youngsters. I had no success, however. But witnessing the Silver Knight in battle, and the Wise Wizard with his gifted sorcery, that was about the happiest memory of my childhood." "You can meet them officially when I help them regain their memories back!" Suggested Sally. "Oh, these two young gentlemen can't possibly be them!" "I know it's hard to believe by first glance, but trust me! What you see here is a spell gone wrong! Heck, it's probably the cause of their amnesia!" "Nonsense! Besides, if that were them, why would they want to return here?" "They're here to rid us of our pain once again! Although they can't remember anything, they still hold their heroic instincts within their hearts, and their brains!" "We're not here to relieve anyone of their pain! Just Diana and her crew! (Minus Mitzi)" Said Jimmy. "And the reason we're risking our butts out there is because they were kind enough to offer us food and a roof to sleep under while other Middle Age folks just wanted to burn us at the stake!" Nick spoke through gritted teeth.

.............................

[*Back in the modern ages*]

Carl looked through his magic supplies one last time. He doesn't feel like performing again since Jimmy is still gone. Jimmy would've been the only person who would sit down to watch him, since he wasn't a very good magician. At all. He hasn't even found that darn rabbit yet. The guys on TV sure make it look easy. Suddenly, he heard the doorbell ring. As Carl went to answer it, he found it was Sheen, holding a pink paper box, with a grin on his face. Sheen was just about the second last person he wanted to see right now.

"What do you want?" Carl asked in displease. "Well, I just happened to walk by a local bakery downtown, and my sweet tooth just urged me to walk right in! While looking through the selections, I started thinking about you. So, I picked up your favorite pastry!" Replied Sheen. "Goat milk matcha pound cake?" "Nope! Cwaaaaaaaasonts!"

Sheen opened the box to reveal a baker's dozen of golden croissants. Carl was still unamused, and just decided to close the door. Sheen, however, stopped the door by sticking his foot out!

"Wait, Carl! I've spent $30.95 for the baker's dozen! I was gonna use that money to purchase a VespaGirl body pillow online!" "You think you can just buy my friendship back with some baked, buttery, crispy, delectable... *Mouth starts to water* But you can't! What you had said broke my heart! Jimmy is important to my life just as you were!" "I am important to your life?" "I said 'were!' Now get off my doorstep!"

Carl then went to close the door again, but with all strength this time to keep Sheen from getting in, since he was holding a box. Sheen had to drop the croissants to force the door open.

"Carl! Carl! At least let me tell you something!" "I've heard about enough from you!" "But I came here to say I'm sorry!" "What?"

Carl opened the door wide.

"I'm sorry. Taking back everything I've ever said to you. I didn't know Jimmy meant that much to your life. You two were very close together more than any pair I knew. Possibly even the romantic ones. Also, I miss you, buddy. I'm lonely. I have Libby, but I can't be disgusting and foolish around her now, can't I? Look; Just because Jimmy can't be my friend, doesn't mean he can't be yours. We could still hang as pals, even with Jimmy around. I mean, we never liked Cindy, but we still tolerated her presence. *Gets down on his knees* Please, take me back. All those degrading words were just my invalid opinion. Nothing I say is even true."

Carl hesitated for a bit, while Sheen looked up at him, sweating. The allergy boy just closed the door. Sheen, being so heartbroken, hung his head down. Way before Jimmy came into their lives, him and Carl were the best of friends. Although Carl didn't like Ultralord, and Sheen thought llamas were too weak and soft, they both spoke to each other on the same mindset. The two were goofy and idiotic. Carl became friends with Jimmy after feeling sorry for the big haired misfit. A few months later, Sheen also became Jimmy's friend after he helped him pass the math test his grade depended on. The boy genius was more generous and considerate back then. Also, he discovered the cool gadgets he built. As they officially formed a trio, Carl and Sheen were more closer than ever. Jimmy was a bonus addition. That didn't mean he loved Jimmy less. Except maybe right now.

What's he gonna do without Carl in his life? He loves Libby, but he feels he doesn't have that much in common with her. She dedicates her life to fashion and music. Sheen dedicates his life to Ultralord and gross stuff. Around Carl, he feels that he can truly be himself with. Who else could want Sheen as a friend? Sheen seems to annoy everyone. That kid with the shades kinda admires him? Nah! He was probably just being polite. There's his dad. Awww, who is he kidding? You can't have your own father as a friend! Just then, Sheen heard the door reopen. Carl was back, but now clutching an old llama plush, that's missing an eye.

"If you're truly sorry, then how 'bout apologizing to Lucy the Llama as well?" "C'mon, Carl! That was five years ago!" "Well. I guess you're not sorry at all-" "Wait! I was only kidding! I love Lucy!"

Sheen then seized the plush toy out of Carl's hand.

"Lucy; I'm sorry for ripping your left eye out. My Triclops figurine needed it so badly, and it would've been embarrassing to face off Ultralord with only two eyes."

Then, Sheen planted a kiss on the toy's forehead. Carl was quite astounded. He didn't think Sheen would go that far. Sheen hates Lucy the Llama. As Sheen gave Carl his plush back, the allergy boy embraced his friend into a hug. Sheen returned it by folding his arms around him.

"Apology accepted. But you can't say anything mean about Jimmy no more!" "Promise! Now let's go find that whippy dip head son of a gun together! Sorry, that wasn't suppose to sound mean." "Right on!"

Just as they were about to leave the Wheezer doorstep, Carl picked up as many croissants he could hold. Even though they've been on the dirty ground, Carl didn't mind taking a bite out of them. He thought they were still good. Sheen cringed in disgust. A kid named Creg suddenly rolls by on his skateboard, gets himself into an accident, then breaks his leg.

"Why are so many of these kids breaking their legs?!" Screamed Sheen. "Probably because Nick's not here to do it?" Replied Carl.

.............................

[*At the Neutron household*]

Mrs. Dean finally got Judy to calm down. All she had to do was request her to tell her stories about her son, as many as she wants. She figured she would get Judy to relax with anything Jimmy related. She even managed to get her to drink the tea she made. For the last two hours, Mrs. Dean grew bored listening to Judy's stories all day, about Jimmy's tangled situations. If she listens to any more, she fears she'll also go insane in this mad house.

"So on that Sunday, I was there doing my weekend cleaning. Jimmy was watching his favorite philosophy program. He suddenly got hungry, and asked me, a woman with her hands full at that moment, to fetch him a snack. I said, 'Well, there must be something wrong with your arms if you can't get it yourself.' He then pulled out one of his wacky inventions from under the sofa, a robotic arm of some sort, and attempted to reach for his needed snack. Unfortunately for him, the controls were infirm, resulting in reckless steering. He knocked down potted plants, china, Hugh's duck collection, etc. My perfectly clean house. Then there was this night, that happened two years ago. Mr. Vortex, I know his forename I just don't care, delivered me my son, wrapped in a toilet paper cocoon. His daughter also brought back one of his invention, some cannon that launches TP rolls, and she claimed he used it to foil her slumber party. I can't believe I punished him for it. I never even liked that Cindy. Jimmy sure had the right idea breaking things off with her. What did he even see in that ungrateful witch anyways? Why were they even dating at such a young age?! They're not even in middle school yet!" "There was this other time-" "Hugh, get back down!" "Okay!"

Mrs. Dean was finally put into relieve as Libby ran straight into the house, with news. Carl and Sheen were behind her.

"MRS. NEUTRON! MRS. NEUTRON! Hello, Mrs. Dean. MRS. NEUTRON!" Libby came in screaming. "Not now, Libby. Can't you see the grown ups are talking?" Said Judy. "It's about Jimmy!" "MY JIMMY?!" "And Nick!" "HUH-?!" Mrs. Dean fell off from her seat. "I can't take the credit though! I owe it to these two companions! Especially you, Sheen. *Blows kiss*" "What did we ever do? We see the famous pop star, Rioona, pull up in her limo to cut the ribbon for the new RnB themed cafe. Libby starts getting jumpy, squealing 'OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! IT'S RIOONA! PULLING UP JUST WHEN WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN IMPORTANT INVESTIGATION! I DON'T WANNA LEAVE! I WANNA STAY FOR A MINUTE! MAYBE A FEW HOURS!' And then I said, 'Why not just take a picture? It lasts longer.'" Said Carl. "By just those words alone, that gave me a brain blast of my own! (Oooooooh, I just rhymed) By the way, I've got about 164 shots of Rioona opening the cafe! I even got myself in some of the shots! Look!"

Judy just slapped the phone out of Libby's hand. Everyone was intimidated, except Carl, who was in love with her more. What a woman.

"Just tell me where my baby is!" "Okay... You see, by just the sheer mention of 'picture,' that's when it hit me! I forgot, we all forgot, Jimmy had his security cams activated, and they were still working by the time I revisited the lab! ...which looked like either a tornado hit it or Cindy got her revenge again. I managed to extract the footage onto my hard drive! Look!"

Libby opened up her laptop, then inserted the hard drive. The footage began to play on media player. There was Jimmy and Nick, handcuffed together, trying to find a solution to undo the chain. Nick touched the keyboard, despite Jimmy's warning. The security breach got triggered, weapons engaged, and the two boys ran into a police box, which is supposedly the boy genius's time machine. The machine vanished, and all was history. We searched all around Retroville for nothing?

"So... It was your son's fault that my Jimmy is gone." Said Judy. "What?! I'm pretty sure Nick didn't know about this installed security system! If only Jimmy took the liberty to tell him!" Replied Mrs. Dean. "Oh, so you're saying it is Jimmy's fault?!" "WHO CARES ABOUT WHOSE FAULT IT IS?! We've lost them both and there's possibly no way to get them back. None of us is a secondary Einstein, and it's not like you could purchase a time machine on the web!" "Apparently, yes you can." Said Libby. "What?!" Both mothers.

While Judy and Mrs. Dean were arguing, Libby pulled up Cbae.com on her laptop and searched "time machine." You can surprisingly buy anything off of Cbae. But, just their luck, it costs $500,000,000, plus $100,000 for shipping. No use in trying to search a cheaper deal, because that's the only one available.

"But none of us have that kind of money!" Said Judy. "Maybe if we put together all of our money, we could make it work! *Starts digging into his pockets* I have $16, 42¢, a wrapper from a Chuckles bar, some bobby pins, lint, hey, it's the key to the handcuffs!" Spoke Carl, trying to help. "Oh, like that's gonna help us now!" Whined Sheen. "Calm down, y'all. I know where we can get that money. But, it may involve something we're going to regret." Said Libby. "*Gasp* You don't mean..."

............................

[*Elsewhere, in Eustace Strych's living room*]

"So you want me, formal enemy of Jimmy Neutron, to lend you a total amount of $500,100,000?" Said Eustace. "So none of us is selling our bodies? What a relief!" Sheen blurted. "I think you should stay off the internet for awhile." Libby suggested. "What's the catch?" Eustace continued to question the adults. "You see, it's for a very, very, important cause, young man." Judy answered. "And how important may that be? Hmmmmmm?" "Well-" "My son, Nick, needs an operation! He's broken his legs numerous times, but eventually both of them have ripped out from their sockets! Gruesomely! Blood everywhere! The hospital is charging me that much to reattach his legs back, plus to get him out of his coma! The prices are so high because of the evil greediness of capitalism! They don't even care about children! Please have a heart! He's Jimmy's friend, too!" Mrs. Dean butted in. "Ha-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, what makes you think I'd even care to support a charity cause for some washed up has-been? Like anybody would care anymore. I don't support any charity cause, for that matter. Giving to the needy means less for me. Besides, me and Neutron don't exactly have the best history together. On second thought, if you want that money so badly, you're gonna have to bring Neutron right here, have him beg to me, and apologize for underestimating my superiority to his genius!" "We can't!" "Why not?" "Because, h-he's trying to invent a new life saving device!" "Well, No Neutron, no money! Guess I'll have to buy myself a third water park!"

The squad then went to the hall to talk.

"What are we gonna do now?" Asked Judy. "Does he know Jimmy is missing?" Also, asked Mrs. Dean. "Frankly, not. But if he ever does, we may never get that money." Replied Libby. "We're not gonna get that cash anyways. How are we gonna bring Jimmy out here?" Carl whined. "WAIT! There was something useful Jimmy actually taught me, a long time ago!" Sheen had an idea.

He then requested Goddard to project a life-like hologram of Jimmy, just like what happened at his tenth birthday party. Judy felt like crying, seeing that the hologram looks exactly like her son. She even wanted to touch it. Sheen then told her to stay focused, and handed her a voice moduling microphone. Goddard ejected a hand sized camera drone and displayed his teleprompter. He then got the hologram to march to Eustace's location. It then met with him in the living room.

"Ah, Neutron! I thought you'd show here eventually. What's wrong? Did that lifesaver of yours turn out to be a failure?" "Yes, indeed. I don't know what could've happen, but maybe I'm not as smart as I used to." "Like you ever were." "You're right. And I'm here to say I am sorry for getting in the way of your plans. I'm sorry for looking through your integrity. You have showed me that it's not about the brains. It's about what you can buy. I am selfish. I'm a loser. I suck and you rule." "The sweet sound of music!" "I'm not worthy of friends and that's probably why Cindy broke up with me for." "Didn't know you two were actually dating. You don't strike me as a boy who has a way with the ladies." "You're absolutely right! Now, will you please, please, lend me the money, so I can help my poor, hurt, dying reject of a friend?" "Well, I suppose you have amused me enough." "*Judy accidentally whispers into the microphone* What a spoiled little brat." "Excuse me?!" "I said I soiled my pants cuz I'm a brat." "Oh. Hurry up and take your money before you start leaking onto my carpet!"

Eustace ordered his butler to fetch the money. He then came back with a huge sack of cash. The hologram wouldn't be able to hold it, so Judy and Mrs. Dean quickly entered the scene to grab the sack.

"Thank you very much, kind sir! *Looks at the hologram* Jimmy, I am both proud and disappointed in you, my son! C'mon, we have a has-been to save!" Said Judy, then they took a run for it.

#Jimmy Neutron #Boy Genius #Nick Dean #Cindy Vortex #Libby Folfax #Carl Wheezer #Sheen Estevez #Season 4 #fanfic #romance #adventure #TVverse #TVEE

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heartslogos · 5 years

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newfragile yellows [502]

“Are you an idiot?” Ellana asks, turning to Bull. “An absolute buffoon? Did you…did you lose your entire gourd?”

“I’m a genius," Bull deadpans. “And you’re going to thank me.”

“How much did this table cost?”

“You don’t need to worry about it,” Bull says, “Because I already paid for it.”

Ellana gestures at the table, just shy of hitting it but somehow managing to hold herself back as she gesticulates. “Listen. This table? It needs to go back.”

“What’s wrong with it?” Bull says. “I’m not sending it back. I like this table. I really like this table. I want it in our house. Tell me exactly what’s wrong with it.”

“What’s wrong with it is that we already have a table,” Ellana says. “We do not have room for two tables in our home. I cannot stress this enough. This is an eight seater. We have a table for eight people already. A table which we frequently use. A table which we probably use too frequently considering it’s supposed to be for special occasions or whatever a formal dining room is for.”

“But that table is not this table. We can get rid of the other table,” Bull protests. “This table has a special panel that you can take on and off for tabletop games. Ellana. We don’t need to take apart our maps anymore.”

“Bull. There’s a limit to how far we can take our general geek and nerdom. Buying a table specifically for DND is past that limit,” Ellana says. “Now how much did this table cost? Including the delivery?”

“Ellana,” Bull puts his hands on her shoulders. “Babe. Listen. You aren’t going to like the answer. You really shouldn’t be pressing the issue. Okay?”

“Not okay!”

“Good to know that you two have limits to being ridiculous,” Mahanon says. “Did you know your doorway is being blocked by a table and two idiots arguing? I want to go inside. I want to be inside the house I’m paying rent to live in. Now, preferably.”

“Well, Mahanon, we don’t all get what we want,” Ellana says. “I want this table gone.”

“I want this table in the house,” Bull says. “You don’t even like the table we have. We literally picked it up from someone’s driveway. It’s warped, crooked, and has a weird creaking wobble. We’ve been thinking about replacing it for ages.”

“Sure, with a better table.”

“And this isn’t a better table?”

“Bull, it’s a table for DND. It’s a table. It’s a table with perks. But it’s not the table for us.”

“And why not?”

“Because,” Ellana says, “That cover you’re talking about? It’s never going back on. You’re going to put a map on that table. And then you’re going to be so fucking obsessed with that map and planning all the little tricks you can do that you’re going to be just rooted to the spot staring at the table like a maniac. You aren’t going to let me or anyone else put a cover over that map. You’re going to build a damn tower on that map as high up as you can go. You think I don’t know you, the Iron Bull? Think I can’t get inside your head? You think I haven’t lived with you for literal years? That I don’t now how your mind works? If this table enters our lives it’s not going to ever be a dining table or a party table or a working table. It’s going to be the map table and god help me if we ever need to have more than three people over because we’ll have to eat on the goddamn floor of our living room. Either send this table back or start parking your precious car on the street because it’s going in the garage. And yes, we’re buying a new — different — table that’s not going to be consumed by your passion for building maps to throw our party into.”

“If you leave now, you lose everything.”

“Well, frankly, the odds are that we’re going to lose everything anyway. Our game plan is to somehow convince someone to spot us one million gold pieces,” Dorian pauses for dramatic effect. “One million. Not one thousand. One million gold pieces. Our game plan for somehow preventing the assassination of the Archduke, thus catalyzing the necessary components for a bloody coup and a weakening of the nation’s armies priming it for invasion from an army of undead, is to convince possible legendary boss level arch fey boss with a charisma stat of a billion — “

“He does not have a charisma stat of a billion.”

“ — to part with one million gold pieces. And our party consists of a fighter, a paladin, a rogue, and an arcane trickster. Not one of us has a charisma stat that could come close to giving us what we need on a persuasion check. Not a single one of us. You could add all of our charisma stats together and all the penalties therein, and you could not get us a modifier that would bring us in the realm of possibility.”

“Trust in the heart of the dice, Dorian,” Ellana says. “Let me roll.”

“You? The orc fighter? You and your charisma stat of negative what now?”

“It isn’t negative! I put points into it.”

“After your already abysmal stat got you cursed four sessions ago? Because you rolled a two and your negative modifier brought you down to a zero? And then you were cursed to have even worse persuasion rolls?”

“Do we have someone with a really good deceit stat?” Cullen says.

“Won’t work,” Bull says. “I’m going to tell you now. Deceit. Will. Not. Work. You will be fucked over if you attempt it. I’m going to tell you now. Because I’ve invested too much into this story arc for you dip shits to fuck it up by trying a deceit roll. I’ve grown attached to my antagonists.”

“You are the central antagonist,” Sera says.

“Let me roll,” Ellana says.

“Literally anyone but you would be a better choice for this roll.”

“Yeah, but my character’s the only one who’s been talking this entire fucking time. So someone either cast some magic that might help me or shut up and trust in my dice.”

#heartsfic #gather your party and venture forth

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itsconditional-blog1 · 5 years

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terrible-tentacle-theatre · 6 years

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The Bestiary Revamped: Vampire Squid (HALLOWEEN SPECIAL)

Disclaimer: While this article is founded in scientific fact, it contains hyberbole and conscious exaggerations for the sake of comedy. Do not take my ramblings at face value. You can find the sources at the end of the article and tools for scientific fact-checking under the “Learn more” link on my blog.

The old article can be read here.

(I intended to post this yesterday but stuff came up. Anyway.)

Ahem.

Cue the spooky music.

*threatening organ music plays at unbearable volumes*

That’s right, dear readers, the Spooky Gourd Day has finally, finally come, and with it the nigh-endless Halloween shitposting that permeates this website every October like the smell of pumpkin pie did my house just a few hours ago, immediately before I ate most of it. (I still have like half of it left, but it’s cold now so it doesn’t have that mouthwatering smell unless I reheat it. And I was too busy watching old Betty Boop Halloween cartoons to reheat it. Anyway, I’m getting off track.)

Frankly, the obsession of internet culture with this innocuous holiday has always fascinated me. What it is about a day when you get to dress up all funky-like, go from house to house acting like an idiot, horf down all the candy you can get away with and watch scary movies all night that is so attractive to them youngsters? I simply cannot wrap my head around it.

However, it is a day of great significance to this blog, since this is the day when we celebrate the utter freakiest of the freakiest that can be pulled up from the stygian waves of the planet’s oceans. This is the third Halloween of the Terrible Tentacle Theatre, and for this notable occasion, I have decided to give one of my earliest poster children a much-needed revisit.

Back in the early days of the blog, when it was still called Hectocotylus and my content mainly consisted of spicing up Wikipedia and Cracked articles with swearing for the sick enjoyment of some 30 followers, the article in question was my first big hit among the people of the Digital Blue Hills of Hell. In the days when most of my articles didn’t go above 20 notes, this beast gathered up 300 notes by using its nebulous tendrils to reach into the deepest corners of the ole ‘web. Not only was this creature my first big hit in my career as a marine biology blogger with tone moderation issues, it would also fit in great as the main monster in a theoretical Universal Horror/Syfy teamup, which would be the Halloweeniest shit ever.

Ladies, gentlemen and other fellows, the vampire squid.

Before you even see this thing in full detail you can already gather that I didn’t choose it for this year’s Halloween special for nothing. Everything from the ghoulish dark red color scheme to the bat-like webbing between eldritch tentacles screams “cheesy Hammer Horror movies written by good ol’ Howard Philips”. And it will become even more evident when you see it in its full, glowy, betentacled glory.

This is how it looks like when you stare down a squishy, floppy incarnation of doom. This thing looked so freaky that the dude who discovered it, a certain German biologist called Karl Chun, decided to name it Vampyroteuthis infernalis. That’s Latin for “vampire squid from Hell”. Yep, that’s right. Remember the part where science is hard fact unaffected by emotion? Well you can throw that right out the window, because this fucker freaked its discoverer out so hard that he named it the vampire squid from Hell.

“The shit I’ve seen, kiddo. You wouldn’t believe.”

Even descriptions of this guy sound like they escaped straight from a 19th century gothic horror novel. For example, in 1925 the Arcturus expedition caught one near the Galapagos Islands and described it as “a very small but very terrible octopus, black as night, with ivory white jaws and blood-red eyes.” Even in the years of the Roaring Twenties, merely seeing the vampire squid was enough to bring out anyone’s inner Poe or Bram Stoker, apparently, which isn’t very surprising considering that it looks like Béla Lugosi had an illicit affair with one of the Star-Spawn of Cthulhu.

You’re welcome for that mental image.

While calling it a vampire is more than appropriate, the names “squid” or “octopus” are much less fitting. While intially appearing to be something of an octopus, it’s actually not one of them; and it isn’t a squid either, which left the confused scientists to place it within its own little private taxon, the order Vampyromorphida. If you know a little bit of Latin, that means “vampire-shaped”, which would imply that this is the general shape for vampires. So next time you read Twilight, imagine Edward as a vampire squid flopping around on the ground the entire time and I guarantee you’ll have a blast reading through several hundred pages of sweaty bloodsucker romance.

Unlike Edward however, the vampire squid doesn’t actually feed on blood. Dashing from shadow to shadow in the cover of a snappy opera cape and hunting for innocent young maidens in the night is the kind of energy expenditure that this malevolent mollusk cannot afford. Mainly because it lives (you guessed it) in the darkest, deepest excesses of the oceans, where the eternal darkness creates an all-year-round Halloween mood. In these waters, even beginners have a hard time finding the tiniest scraps of food, and have to resort to drastic measures to get by. But the vampire squid looks at those beginners and goes “yall are scrubs git gud lmao”. Compared to the vampire squid’s lifestyle, virtually any other denizen of the deep sea lives right in the middle of a goddamn cornucopia.

See, the vampire squid doesn’t just live in the deep ocean. It specifically prefers places called Oxygen Minimum Zones (OMZ), which sounds more like the hardest Sonic level ever than any serious place which can support life. OMZs are vast sheet-like expanses of water in the deep sea which barely contain any breathable oxygen. Some of these zones can contain as little as 5% of the oxygen that saturates air, and barely anything survives here.

And guess what? The vampire squid lives here. Not only lives, but thrives.

This is the game the vampire squid plays, every day of its life. On hard difficulty.

Obviously, living in a dead wasteland of suffocating water has required the squid to adopt some nifty tools of survival. Do not do so would be like entering the final dungeon of a video game with early game gear.

First off is a pair of sensory filaments, which the vampire squid extends through the water much like a spider does its web. They are super long and flexible, and probably the source of so many dick jokes that the squid will choke a bitch if anyone tells one more.

“No, I’ve never heard that one ever. Ha ha ha. Real fuckin’ original.”

Next up is a pair of membranous wings, used by the squid to travel through the aether of space to “fly” through the water, it’s cape-like arm web billowing behind it. The vampire parallels are getting more and more accurate.

Interestingly this wing isn’t the same in adults and juveniles. At one point in their devlopment they start growing a second pair of fins which eventually fully substitutes the first pair, which then atrophies back into the flesh. Thus if you’re lucky enough to catch a vampire squid, it’s not impossible that it will have four fins. The biologists who first found these four-finned squid nearly went insane trying to describe it (and several other developmental stages) as separate species. It was such a mess it took years to sort out, and nowadays the vampire squid is the sole surviving species of its order. He’s standing in the darkness. Alone.

WAKE ME UP INSIDE

The fins and the filaments aren’t just decorative elements the squid picked out at Hot Topic, either. Used in tandem, they’re a fearsomely effective netting tool and the way this crafty cephalopod earns its daily bread. You think spiders are cool with their webs? Nah, Spiders ain’t shit. They’re lazy idiots and their web does all the work for them. the vampire squid’s filaments is where it’s REALLY at.

See, the vampire squid’s main diet is thankfully not blood but something called “marine snow”. This is basically the shower of discarded tissue, shit and corpses that rains down upon the lower layers of the deep ocean from the upper layers all year round. Having this fall from the sky for “White Christmas” would probably be quite traumatizing.

DECK THE HALLS WITH BALLS OF FECES SHALALALALALALALALAAAAARGH

The vampire squid, however, has had its resolve steeled by years of isolation in the darkness of the deep ocean, and is willing to chug down anything to survive. Bear Grylls is a picky gourmet chef compared to this guy.

That said, it needs to eat something that’s actually of some nutritional worth. It could spend its life scarfing down every chunk of marine snow it comes across, but that would be a waste of muscle movements since most of it does exactly nil to fill up its stomach. That’s where the filaments/fins combo come in, turning the vampire squid into an angry little tripwire trap ready to snap at any moment.

Note the filament. That’s not a parasite, that’s legit a part of the animal. Nobody knows where it evolved from, it’s not a modified arm or tentacle and it’s a fucking enigma.

Mystery tentacles: the quintessential Terrible Tentacle Theatre experience.

Extending its filaments (one at a time) into the mucky waters around, it waits more still then I do when I go to the kitchen for a glass of water during the night and I hear a sudden noise. The filaments come with a plethora of sensitive nerve endings, ensuring that anything bigger than a flea’s asscheeks landing on them will elicit an immediate response from the squid. And if said asscheeks touch the filaments, responds the squid it does. Specifically, it exhibits a surprising burst of speed (considering it just drifts around all day and it is effectively the consistency of Jell-O), pulled entirely by its fins to perform an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle, whipping around in a loose loop and catching its own filament. Millions of dogs around the world enviously sigh in unison.

After this, the squid pulls off its prey from the filament using its arms, which generate a solid slime-like material. The collected chunks of edible whatnot are rolled into a ball of slime, and horfed down by the squid at once. You probably cannot tell but there’s a Michelin star underneath its mantle. “Slimeball à la Vampire Squid” is one gourmet-ass dish.

Molto bene!

Of course, all this fine dining makes the vampire squid itself tasty as all hell. You are what you eat, afterall. But in the deep sea, you do NOT want to be tasty, because everyone is hungry on top of being the most light-deficient gourmet motherfuckers on the planet. So naturally, our subject needs some sort of way to evade the raving food critics hunting him in the deep. And he has this way in the form of a very unlikely tool: bioluminescence.

“But Admin”, I hear you say, “didn’t you just get done telling us last week that glowing in the deep sea will attract everything around you?” That I did, young padawan, and it still stands. However, just like last week’s subject, the vampire squid uses its built-in glowsticks with a very express purpose and doesn’t just flash into the sunset willy-nilly. The glowy parts of this beast have very well-defined places and usages, exquisitely located and timed, just like a laugh track in a sitcom. Underneath its dark-red skin the vampire squid carries clusters of glowing photophores mainly on the tip of its arms as well as in two fake eye-spots on the top of its mantle, ready to flare up in a blue burst of light on demand. The fake eyes even come with their own built-in eyelids, opening and closing as Dracula Jr. sees fit.

Imagine you’re a predator and you see this glowing collection of random bullshit. Now figure out where to bite. Good fucking luck.

These lights are used with great care and consideration in order to troll the fuck out of anybody who is foolish enough to make an attempt on the vampire squid’s life. Upon attack, the squid whips its arms around with the lights on full luminosity, creating a confusing dance of light spots in the otherwise total darkness and messing up the predator’s perception. The false eyes only make things worse, finally creating the illusion that the vampire squid possesses unlimited godlike control over space and time, which may damn well be true.

Question: What way is this vampire squid going? Hint: It’s not facing toward you.

The appearance of the squid as a godlike psychic is surprisingly in line with the whole vampire angle, since Dracula has reknownedly had the ability to charm and hypnotize people. The effect is further accentuated by the squid’s eyes, proportionally the largest of any animal ever discovered. With a diameter a whopping one sixth of the animal’s whole body, this thing's oculars are like if you were walking around with eyes the size of your head. Each.

And for added effect, they glow and change color depending on which angle you’re looking at them from.

DISCO CTHULHU

And finally, if a spooky vampire-looking-ass dark red glowing octopus-squid-thing with hypnotic powers isn’t Halloweeny enough for you, the vampire squid has a final trick up its sleeve that catapults it right into the realm of body horror. This is suspected to be a defensive tactic but who the fuck knows, really. Deep sea creatures are enigmatic as shit, and they guard their secrets jealously.

Alright, I’ll quit beating around the bush and say it outright. Basically the final defensive measure of the vampire squid is turning itself inside out.

Yep.

Of all the stupid shit that Mother Nature could have come up with, she went and decided “alright, it just up and turns itself inside the fuck out. What are you gonna do about it?”

This behavior is known to science as “pineappling” or even more Halloweeny-ly “pumpkin posture” (no, seriously) and it involves the squid taking the webbing between its arms and turning it upside to shield its head and body from harm. Now folded comfortably into a spiky little footbal, the vampire squid knows itself free from harm. The webbings are thin enough for it to see through, but also don’t let its lights to shine around, so doing this effectively means the vampire squid switches into stealth mode. Plus it looks stylishly similar to Dracula popping the collar on his cape.

The vampire squid is every Monster Mash horror cliché come to life and smushed into a vaguely cephalopod shaped package for best user experience. When the stars are right and Cthulhu and his Star-Spawn emerge from the sunken city of R’lyeh to bring the world to ruin once more, these guys will be the first living things they encounter. And then they’ll fuck off back to their stupid city, mumbling things like “what the hell man, that’s plagiarism” and “that’s way too extra, even for us”. The apocalypse is postponed once again, thanks to the vampire squid’s vailant efforts of looking weird as fuck.

Happy Halloween, everybody! I was a day late due to the length of this article, but I hope you don’t mind. Until next Tuesday’s article, have a wonderful time with the aftermath of the day of cheesy horror and confectioneries.

Sources:

Encyclopedia of Life

Tree of Life Web Project

Animal Diversity Web

Ocean Biogeographic Information System (OBIS)

Ellis, Richard. “Introducing Vampyroteuthis infernalis, the vampire squid from Hell”. The Cephalopod Page. Dr. James B. Wood.

Seibel, Brad. “Vampyroteuthis infernalis, Deep-sea Vampire squid”. The Cephalopod Page. Dr. James B. Wood. Retrieved 3 July 2011.

Hoving, H. J. T.; Robison, B. H. (2012). “Vampire squid: Detritivores in the oxygen minimum zone”. Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences.

#bestiary #bestiary revamped #halloween #halloween special #cephalopod #deep sea creatures #bioluminescence #marine snow #vampire squid #spoopy #bela lugosi is spinning in his grave somewhere

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maggieisalarrie · 7 years

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Happy almost Halloween! There’s only one week left until the big day so here’s a little something to get us in the spirit (ha, spirit. get it?) 👻 Anyway, please enjoy these fics and happy reading! - M

a long way down (to the bottom of the river) by MediaWhore (24k)

“ Most people would call Harry silly for believing in curses. Childish would also be a probable insult thrown his way. In their little town full of little people, Harry’s whimsical nature and beliefs mean that he’s subjected to frequent judgemental looks and whispers. It doesn’t usually bother him. Most people don’t know about the magic thrumming through his veins or about how powerful words can truly be. Most people don’t carry around their ancestors grief like a burden. They don’t have to pay for deeds hundreds of years old like Harry and his family have. They get to love freely without fear.

Harry and his kin aren’t so lucky.”

a practical magic au in which Harry and his sister accidentally kill her abusive boyfriend with magic and Louis is the D.I working the case.

All you can eat. by harrysprostate (18k)

“You didn’t deny thinking about me while watching porn either, though.” Harry smiled and brushed his curls to the side before leaning over the desk so he was closer to Louis. “Do you stroke your big cock to those corny student teacher porn videos? Do you get mad when you watch? Because god, it’s so fucking cheesy. But you can’t help the way you start to come when the student starts moaning, ‘Ugh fuck professor fuck me.’ Because somehow it’s hot, and maybe it’s hot because you want to hear a certain student moaning professor while you fuck them over your desk. Now isn’t that right, Professor Tomlinson?”

~ or the one where human harry seduces his hot teacher professor tomlinson, who happens to be a vampire ~

amaryllis by hattalove (148k)

"Where are we?" "Um. A little while out of London?" Niall tries, seemingly the only one willing to not be mysterious and provide Harry with information, and. Oh. "London London? As in, the capital of England London?" he asks, just in case he'd misheard. "No, the other London," Louis laughs, low and biting. He comes closer finally, the moonlight just enough to reveal a sharp-cut jaw and pale skin. "Sorry, Pup." Nobody's ever called Harry a "pup". Frankly, he finds it quite insulting, but he lets it slide to try and comprehend his current crisis.

or the one where harry gets bitten by a werewolf. louis is the mysterious not-quite alpha, liam and zayn have Things going on, niall is their token human, and together, they watch a lot of TV.

Among the Humans by thecheshirepussycat (129k)

A gothic, modern day vampire romance between a young human named Louis Tomlinson, and Harry Styles, ancient vampire and gentleman.

Creatures of the night come with more trouble than they wish to make it seem.

domestic monsters series by g_uttertrash (234k+) *THIS IS MY ALL TIME FAVORITE FIC/SERIES. Literally. My favorite. Please, please, please read this. It’s perfect.

Harry is a witch from a long line of power, an ancient line that’s one of the strongest left alive in their hemisphere. He can cast spells without a word if need be, fly on a broomstick, and has a black cat (a kitten, really) named Felix that is his animal familiar. He can shape galaxies in his cupped hands and can destroy them just as easily. He can choose exactly how to use his power, for encouragement and support, or for more nefarious causes if he wishes to.

And as fate would have it, he’s scared of haunted houses.

(Harry is a witch who carries around a stuffed pumpkin, Louis is a vampire with too much time on his hands, and their best mates Zayn & Niall aren't exactly what they seem...)

feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream by togetherwecouldbealright (123k)

“Alright, alright. No need to bite,” Harry says, holding his hands above his head in a general gesture of surrender.

Louis quirks an eyebrow and his foot nudges Harry’s as he moves to sit straight. “If that’s what you think biting is, you’ve got another thing coming, Styles.”

Harry blinks at him before he feels his face flush and inside the marrows of his bones there’s pulses of heat, pulses of fire spreading through him. “Is that a threat, your Highness?”

“That’s a promise,” Louis answers just as the car halts to a stop. “One I intend to keep.”

Harry is a journalist with a lot of secrets and Louis is the future king of the United Kingdom; they live together for 60 days.

Float Down Like Autumn Leaves (Stay Now) by hopelesswriter (17k)

Sometimes life plays more tricks than treats on us. Sometimes we plan our future and hope for the best but our world is turned upside down. Sometimes the crispy air of October brings the smell of pumpkin spice candles instead of dead things- and sometimes, when it’s meant to be, there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it.

The AU in which Louis has a 6 year old daughter with a costume emergency that puts her school's annual Halloween party at risk, Halloween decorated cupcakes are hard to find and tall men look absolutely ridiculously cute in giant vegetables costumes. Co-starring Harry, who makes really good food for the kids. Featuring Niall, who works in a bakery but has a part time job as a babysitter. And as much as he doesn't believe in love at first (or second) sight, Louis is really infatuated and really wouldn't mind seeing Harry again.

I Would Follow You (To the Moon and Back) by Dick (20k)

Everyone has baggage, some people sleepwalk, some have obsessive exes, and others turn into anthropomorphic wolf-like monsters that destroy furniture and run rampant in the forest. Perfectly normal.

Or the one where Harry and Louis have been dating for six months, Harry is a werewolf, and it's a full moon. This time they're going to get it right.

it’s only you that matters by togetherwecouldbealright (11k)

“I never used to care for Halloween, but now it’s my favorite holiday and, fuck, there’s no one else to blame except for you. You’ve made not only Halloween, but every day of the year better for me because I get to spend each and every one of them with you.”

The one where Harry and Louis meet on Halloween and Halloween somehow becomes their thing.

like how your hands feel me up and down by ballsdeepinjesus (8k)

“How do I look?” Harry asks lowly. He turns around and gestures towards the unzipped back of his skirt for him to help. Louis stumbles forward and places a cold hand on the exposed side of Harry’s stomach, steadying him while he pulls the zipper up the rest of the way. He pushes Harry back into the dressing room and stands behind him in front of the mirror. “It’s -- you’re tight,” Louis chokes. “It’s tight, I mean. It’s. Yes.” His hand is curved around his hip now, squeezing lightly.

“Tight’s good, right?” Harry murmurs, batting his eyelashes. He almost can’t believe himself.

“Very good,” Louis grunts.

[louis works in a halloween shop and harry needs a costume]

lightning before the thunder by delsicle (29k)

Harry came from one of the most powerful lines of fire mages in the country. He was supposed to be a natural at magic, a prodigy, even.

But instead he was in the X-Factor contestant house kitchen at two in the morning, wearing only his pants, and he had just set the stove on fire while making snacks for his bandmates and the boy he was in love with.

Or, just another X Factor fic featuring dumb boys with dumber crushes, growing pains, random fires, and a dragon.

Messtival by FullOnLarrie (4k)

Just a bit of fluff for Halloween!

Harry is a history teacher, Liam is the assistant principal, Niall teaches something unspecified, Louis is the new drama teacher. Story takes place at the school's annual fall festival.

The Importance of Body Language by zimriya (12k)

Harry really has no idea how he’s going to get out of this one. After the little incident with the fishing wire, he’d been told that under no circumstances was he to visit the surface of the water, as he is the heir to the throne and his safety is essential to the continued existence of their underwater society. Or something. Harry loves his mum, but there’s really only so much talk of royal duty a prince can take before he does something drastic. Like purposefully disobey her strict instructions to stay under the sea for the rest of his natural life, and instead swim too close to a human ship and get himself spotted by none other than the unfairly attractive Prince Louis Tomlinson, for example.

Needless to say, Harry is fucked.

A Little Mermaid AU. Sort of.

the kitten’s got your tongue tied in knots by ballsdeepinjesus (4k)

“Oi, you alright?” Louis asks, stepping closer to the tree and craning his neck upwards painfully as he looks at the boy fifteen feet up in the branches. “Could you please climb down before you hurt yourself?”

“You’re supposed to save me,” the boy answers, his voice slow and molten in a way Louis isn’t sure is just from the alcohol. “Come save me, please.”

[it's halloween, harry is a kitten in a tree and louis is a (fake) firefighter.]

The Sweetest Incantation by smittenwithlouis (41k)

Harry has been alive for decades, and yet he's never been as confused and dumbfounded. He's a witch, for God's sake. Can't get much weirder than all the magical things he's experienced throughout his lifetime. Never in a million years, however, would he have expected to be mere inches away from a hybrid.

Or: Harry is a witch who's still working on developing his powers and Louis is a werecat who falls into his life and turns it upside down.

You Are the Moon That Breaks the Night by supernope (4k)

Harry doesn’t realize he’s been squeezing Louis’ hand until Louis nudges him in the hip and laughs, “They’re just pumpkins, Harry, calm down. Let’s go have a look.”

Harry lets Louis drag him off toward the closest pile of decorative gourds, then tugs him down into a crouch so they can begin to search through them all. He wants carving pumpkins, but he also wants little ones for decoration and a couple of ripe ones to bake with.

Louis does not understand the art of selecting a pumpkin, Harry discovers, and he has to give him a hands-on tutorial that involves way too much touching for such a public, kid-friendly place. Harry wants so many pumpkins that they end up making it into a contest to see who can choose the best ones, both drifting from pumpkin pile to hay bale, turning pumpkins over and pressing on the bottoms like they’re pumpkin experts.

And here are lists other people have made!

Friday the 13th Fic Rec by @domestic-harry

Halloween Fic Rec by @alarriefantasy

Halloween Fic Rec by @nottooldforthisship

Halloween Fic Rec by @softhie

Halloween Fic Rec by @writing-about-larry

Halloween Fics by @blouisparadise

Magical Realism by @nottooldforthisship

Magical/Superpower/Supernatural Fics by @nottooldforthisship

Sci-Fi Fics by @softhie

Supernatural/Fantasy Fics by @lads-laddylads

Vampires by @hrrytomlinson

Vampires by @nottooldforthisship

Vampires by @thelarryficrecplace

Witches by @hrrytomlinson

Witches by @nottooldforthisship

Witches by @writing-about-larry

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these lists or fics! If you own one of these lists and don’t want it to be included here, please let me know so I can take it down! Alternatively, if you’d like me to include a list you’ve made or a fic you wrote, please let me know!

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