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piratekane · 1 year

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3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?

So many questions! Let me overshare!

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed? I do my best writing in the gremlin hours, after everyone has gone to sleep and it's just me, my dog, and my Spotify playlists featuring [redacted]. I don't use a desk, only a small laptop table and the couch. I always have a blanket, no matter the weather. And I use split screen - one side to write and one side to shuffle through all the chats I screenshot that has pieces of the story I'll eventually tie together. And no matter the time, I always have a cup off coffee. It's 10:20PM and I'm finishing the pot right now before I go make a half one that'll carry me over until I go to bed. If no one got me, I know my coffee maker got me.

14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back? In 8th grade, I let a girl named Alexandra - not Alex - borrow my brand new copy of The Slippery Slope, the 10th book in the A Series of Unfortunate Events run. She was very nice. She wore her hair in braids. I remember this because I used to sit behind her and wonder how long it took to get her braids like that. But more importantly, to the story at least, I was in love. She saw me reading it at recess, hiding behind the big tree so the nuns (Catholic school survivor over here) didn't yell at me and she told me that she wanted to read it too. Being in love, I did not even hesitate. In fact, I didn't even finish reading it. I gave it to her, right in the middle of the story, and told her she could give it back when she was done. She was a slow reader, but she brought it to recess every day and we sat under the big tree and she'd flip through the pages at an excruciating pace and I kept telling myself, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine - she'll be done soon and then you can finish it. The Baudelaires can wait. But then she was absent one day. And then the next. And for a whole week. And at the end of three weeks, I finally found out that she moved. And she took the book with her! Or at the very least, left it behind where I could never find it. The heartbreak. The devastation. I vowed to never let anyone ever borrow a book again. I made my wife buy her own copy of a book she wanted to borrow from me. Good thinking, too, because she left it behind when we went on vacation to the coast. It's probably someone's odd choice for a beach read now.

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud? My organization skills extend to page breaks and applying title formatting to my gdocs. Sometimes I do handwritten notes that I scribble down during Very Important Meetings, but they tend to look like one of those whiteboards coaches use in football games to dictate the play. Like this:

And by the time I get around to using the notes, the X's and O's don't make sense anymore. I tried Scrivener for a bit but it's... too organized? I like going through my phone's camera roll to find all the chats I've screenshot with small fic notes or big ideas. Somehow, that makes the most sense to me.

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Maybe it's just because I'm Really In It Now, but Ava Silva is a goddamn delight. She gets to be charming and thoughtful and funny and I'm really just having the best time with her.

#this was really fun!#thank youuuu

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uh-velkommen · 4 years

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I still remember the first time I found Skam.

Everyday during 10th grade Theater class I'd sit in the back on a Laptop and just scroll through YouTube because we never actually had a real teacher for that class. Then one day I got recommended a clip. I don't remember which clip it was but I do remember the week because when I went to the person's YouTube channel, the clip where Isak was playing soccer in the gym and Even was hiding in the locker room kept going on Autoplay.

It's funny because after I checked out a few random clips, not understanding the storyline at all, I saved them all in my watch later so I could get back to it once I got home. And when I did get home, every video in my playlist had been removed due to copyright. That was something I'd soon become very familiar with 😅 I remember ranting to my mom like, "I found this show on Youtube and it seemed super interesting so I saved it for later and now every video is deleted and I dont even know what the show was called so I cant look it up and I dont even think it was in English!!!"

I think about a week and a half went by before I found it again. Everyday in Theater class I would be expecting a new clip to be up and translated and as I watched Isak and Even's storyline, recommended after that was a new clip of Philip and Lukas's storyline from Eyewitness. It became routine and it wasn't until after the season ended where I found and watched Seasons 1 and 2. Then, when the trailer for season 4 dropped I spent everyday scrolling through Tumblr and the Skam tag. I never made an account or made posts until after the first season of the first remake aired. (Definately dont remember which one that was though)

I wanna say that that was the first time I ever found a show and joined a t.v. fandom that I became completely obsessed with. Now it's been 5 years and I'm still raving about this show so I think it's safe to say that either Skam has changed me or completely made me who I am today. 😂

#skam #skam remakes #Eyewitness

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clericbyers · 5 years

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okay but present day byler listening to chasing cars together and laying on wills bed and that’s where mike realizes he loves him

“I made a new playlist if you’re down to listen,” Will points out one day while he and Mike are lazing about outside on the porch. Mike’s kicking his Vans through the dirt before him and coughing out the dust that catches in his throat.

“Yeah, sure,” he wheezes out, “you always have the best song order in your lists than anyone else.”

Will laughs. “You only like my ordering because your favorite songs are almost always first.”

“You know me too well.” Mike grins up at his friend and feels his heart do that funny flip thing it’s been practicing recently. If recently could be at least the past five years or so, sure.

Mike kicks dirt again and climbs fully to his feet. “You know you’re lucky Lucas isn’t here and you’re wearing just Vans.”

“Why’s that?”

“He’d murder you for kicking your feet around with Air Maxs on, especially the 270 React.”

Mike sticks out his tongue playfully, which makes Will roll his eyes before motioning for Mike to follow him inside. It’s just them today; Joyce is out working, Hopper is at the station, Jonathan got hired to take photos all day for some Instagram influencer in Indianapolis, and Elle is out with her girlfriend Max in the city. Mike always feels a little nervous being alone with Will these days. It’s mostly anxiety in his head brought by silly daydreams of maybe holding his best friend’s hand as they sit on the porch, or of kissing him every time they see each other, small pecks and long hungry kisses that each encapsulate everything he’s wanted for a long time.

Mike often wonders if he’s projecting in some fashion, taking out all his gay feels and pressing them on Will since they’re the closest in the Party. It’s no secret where Mike’s interests lie (if the rainbow pin he wore everywhere didn’t broadcast it enough, the rainbow flag in his room was a big, well, flag. Plus, Mike almost always referred to himself as the secondary gay in town, only second to Will), but absolutely no one knows how he feels about Will. Mike’s not even sure either and that’s the worst part.

If he can get a handle on what exactly all his thoughts toward Will mean, if he’s sure he’s not taking out his celebrity crush on Jake Gyllenhaal on Will, then maybe something could be done.

Will plops down onto his bed and starts scrolling through his phone. Mike stands in the doorway for a second longer, watching Will’s fingers grip the sides of his phone before one hand reaches up to brush freshly cut bangs from his head. Mike’s heart catches on a beat and gets lost in the rhythm of Mike’s turbulent emotions.

“Aren’t you gonna sit down?” Will asks with a small chuckle. “I don’t bite.”

“Oh good,” shoots back Mike as he makes his way to Will. “I thought you were a cannibal.”

Will leans over and nips lightly at Mike’s bare arm. His tongue dances across Mike’s skin for just a moment and Mike’s face turns vibrant pink. Will though makes a face and pulls away with a groan. “If I was a cannibal, I wouldn’t eat you.”

“Am I too stringy?”

Will shrugs. “If I ate you then I wouldn’t be able to hang with you every day. I can hold off the temptation for eternity as long as you’re still here.” Mike is going to combust. “Plus, you taste gross.”

“Haha.” The curly haired boy tightens the scrunchie holding his hair back in a loose ponytail—courtesy of Elle—before laying down beside Will. “C’mon, let’s listen to this playlist of yours.”

Will turns on his Bluetooth speaker and then starts up the music. He settles in next to Mike and they both stare into each other’s eyes until Will starts giggling and then closes his eyes as he hums along to the music. They both alternate between humming and singing along, butchering lyrics on purpose and Mike belting out whatever he can when Mr. Brightside and 19-2000 plays.

“Oh,” Will perks when an unfamiliar guitar riff starts playing. “This is the last song; I found it recently. I think you’ll like it.”

Mike opens his eyes and clears out his head enough to take a listen.

We’ll do it all; everything, on our own.

“The melody is nice,” he replies somewhat distractedly. The calmness of this opening has him a little by the throat, and he’s anticipating a rise in energy once the drums start but he still takes in the simplistic instrumentation this far in.

We don’t need; anything, or anyone.

Fair enough.

If I lay here, and Mike snorts to himself given he and Will are just laying around themselves, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Mike feels his throat clench at that. That hits a little too close to home. He chances a glance at Will, who has his eyes closed and oh, oh, there goes Mike’s heart again doing those dumb cartwheels in his chest because Will looks so content and happy being here with Mike.

I don’t quite know; how to say, how I feel.

Mike feels the bottom drop out his stomach. Fuck.

Those three words are said too much; they’re not enough.

Those three words…those three words. Oh. Yeah. Mike stares up at the ceiling and takes in a deep breath. Yeah, it’s—it’s not enough is it? Not really. Will knows Mike loves him, everyone knows Mike loves his friends but this…emotion that consumes Mike unwillingly when Will just glances at him? Those three words really aren’t enough after all.

If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Will fidgets and peaks open an eye before sending Mike a sleepy smile.

Forget what we’re told, before we get too old.

Mike thinks back to their younger years, when all the adults in town admonished him for being so close to Will, for daring to show interest in other boys outside of friendship. How they told him he couldn’t like boys, that it was wrong and evil even now in this century despite what big city life promoted. So he came out in 8th grade, wore rainbow pins and socks and anything he could, went with Nancy into the big city to buy a pride flag in 9th grade, went to prom with his (very short term) boyfriend in 10th grade, and promptly ignored everything he had been taught before about it being wrong to like who he liked.

He won’t grow old enough to be unable to escape the rhetoric. None of the Party will.

Show me a garden that’s bursting into life.

Will opens his other eye and scoots in just a bit closer. Mike can feel the heat from his leg even though they aren’t touching at this distance. He thinks he might passing out if he can’t get his breath back.

Let’s waste time chasing cars around our heads.

Mike feels a little fuzzy now, almost punch drunk from Will’s closeness. He scoots in too, turns on his side to face Will a little better. Will turns as well and now they lie so close, knees knocking together and barely enough space between their faces. Will’s bed is far too small for two people, but right now it seems just about the perfect size.

I need your grace to remind me to find my own.

“Mike?” Will whispers, too gentle in the rising beat of the song.

Mike can’t stop thinking; he can’t shut off his brain, it’s only processing one thing and it’s putting a label to those stupid emotions that have been consuming him since they were kids. The emotion that he knows is more than friendship for the past five years. But now…

“I’m in love with you.”

If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Will is crying. No sobs, no messiness, just one of those uncontrollable smiles framed by sweet wetness dripping from his eyes. Mike leans forward to brush the tears from his best friend’s face, no, not just his best friend, someone he loves more than any words could detail.

Forget what we’re told, before we get too old.

“I’m in love with you, too.”

There’s something so liberating about saying it aloud, something so freeing about hearing something known since they first sat on the swings together and decided to become friends. Mike feels like his life is starting all over again now that he’s basking under the rays of Will’s returned affections.

Show me a garden that’s bursting into life.

The garden, it’s his heart, tended to by the only boy he’s ever truly loved.

All that I am, all that I ever was, and Mike takes Will’s hands in his own as the other boy blushes slightly, is here in your perfect eyes.

Perfect green eyes that go soft at the edges and look blue under the right lighting, expressive big eyes that echo everything Mike’s ever felt like twin mirrors reflecting his soul.

They’re all I can see.

Mike can’t look away now, if ever. God, he’s so in love, huh. It took him this long to realize it.

I don’t know where. Confused about how as well.

How did Mike fall anyway? He doesn’t know. It wasn’t much of a fall anyway, more of a sink, a slow dip into deep rich waters lavishing the beaches of his mind. Gentle waves of reminders about how much different Mike feels toward Will, but never a label until now. Now, there’s only love crashing to shore and Mike accepts the waves with the ease of a Californian surfer.

Just know that these things will never change for us at all.

Nothing’s changed. Nothing has ever changed really.

“If I lay here,” Will whispers with the last verse of the song, singing just enough to keep the pitch but breathy with emotion he can’t contain. “If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?”

Mike smiles and he knows it’s the dopey one, he can’t help himself, but Will is going pink and he’s so lovely. Mike’s sure Will knows his verbal answer so he shows it instead, closing the gap with a kiss that should have happen years ago. But things happen for a reason, and now, Mike decides as Will clamps his fists into Mike’s shirt and deepens the kiss until only the sound of their slow but needy kissing takes the room after the song ends, is the perfect time and reason for it all.

#yams answers #yams writes #byler #byeler #pleasseee im a mess!!!!!#anon i cant believe youve done this!!!!#i canntttttt!!!#also look up the 270 reacts those kicks are fly #saw them in person and fell in love uhhhhhggg #otp: palaric

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onigarbage · 5 years

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did

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. In response to trauma, my core personality separated and eventually I came along. I’m not what people would call the core, I just happen to be the current host. I have 10 alters currently, alters are the different personalities. There are Persephone and Jasper, a married couple. Up until last month, Persephone went by Percy. There are Marc and Lily, brother and sister. There are Jake and Nero, a couple, both dormant, however. There’s Alistair, a fictive from my own writings. There’s also James a member of the vulture culture community who loves bees. Then there’s Mars who’s also dormant, and finally, there’s Salem.

“It’ll take some time, but somewhere down the line, we won’t be alone.”

I watched my fingers type as if it were a film, words popped up on the screen. “I feel like we're dying out here sometimes, it’s like no matter where we go we're dying.” Persephone was right. We were dying up here. Here I was, trapped in my own body once more. Watching someone else take control. I was fine with it, I had become used to it.

“The ocean washed over your grave.”

When I was little, I was very tall. I was 4’7” by the time I was 5. I was also ahead of my time. Adults loved me, my peers, not so much. Up until 3rd grade, I was very talkative, even through the abuse I had suffered. I was fine. I won’t divulge that trauma, at least. But the Summer of ‘08 changed me. It must’ve been the year the stock market crashed because my family moved from a nice home in Romeo to a trailer. A trailer that had a leaky roof, a trailer that had smoke leaking from a socket one night, a trailer that doesn’t have electricity in parts of it. It was home. It was also the year my mother attempted suicide.

“I want a cutscene, I want a cut from your face to my face, I want a cut, I want the next related video.”

After that, I began to have “imaginary friends.” The only thing was weird about them was that they could sometimes “possess” me. That’s not exactly how it works but honestly, that’s how my child-brain worked. This is called dissociative identity disorder, formerly called multiple personality disorder. I had only 4 alters then, now I have 10. I also coped by lying, I tried to make myself more interesting than I was. I grew out of it by the time I hit high school, I had lost and regained friends. My closest being Peter. I loved my friends dearly more than anything, but soon things turned sour.

“I didn’t like you anyways. You always spoke so quiet.”

It was by 10th grade when I started hearing voices again. It was by 10th grade when Peter and I began dating. It was by 10th grade when everything began crumbling. In 10th grade I had started going to therapy, I wanted to figure out what these voices were but I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. So instead I developed a relationship with my therapist and focused on my ADHD. I started taking a plethora of drugs, against my fears of becoming like my parents. They made me very tired, every day after school I began sleeping. During the week I would see myself fighting with Peter. It was all an out of body experience. I found out his name was Marc, he left notes for me. While on a date with Peter I discovered Lily, Peter thought I had age regressed. It was in the shower when I discovered V, he changed me that day. V was a bad person at the time. He’d terrorize Lily, who was only 9. He’d terrorize me in disgusting ways that I dare not tell anyone about. But when he changed we welcomed him. V no longer took the form of a demon but a man with long white hair and big blue beautiful eyes and an even bigger nose. He changed his name to Klaus. My friends soon found out about my alters. Thanks to a then stranger, now good friend Jaden. Jaden found out first, he knew from my Vent profile. Then Peter and Jason found out, but I was most scared to tell my friend Stevie. I felt I had betrayed her in the past and didn’t want to do it again.

“I was up late last night!!” Klaus said talking to Stevie as we walked to our math class.

“Yeah I know,” she replied then paused, realizing her mistake. Klaus smiled to himself, so she knew? He thought.

"I saw you again last night you were hiding in a poor man's body. But I saw your soul slip out of his fingers”

Things turned sour fast. I remember being in my history class when everything started. Stevie had posted on Vent that I was abusive. Panic had flooded my chest, my cheeks burned, and tears welled up in my eyes. To think that I was abusive. She then later posted that she would pretend to be uncomfortable if Peter and I had any public displays of affection. I went to the bathroom and sobbed that hour. Then the rest of the day, I don’t remember. Lily had fronted to save me from having to deal with it all. Peter and Stevie began spending more time, I turned nasty from all the stress. From walking on eggshells out of fear of being called abusive to dealing with constant voices who occasionally “possessed” me. I even had to deal with homework and abuse at home. I was stressed back then, and I took it out on him. I accused him of sleeping with Stevie even. By the time we reached 11th grade Stevie started avoiding me, Jason grew apart and Peter broke up with me. By 12th grade I had finally turned things around with Jaden, we stopped being strangers and became friends. We bonded over memes about our deteriorating mental health and the passion we had for the stories we worked on. This was the year I met Ms. Bourlinghaus, who became a mother to me. At the start of the year, seeing Peter gave me panic attacks and made me want to rip my flesh off.

“Don’t worry! You and me won’t be alone no more.”

I fell in love, twice that year. I don’t remember who I dated first. DID does that to your memory, in fact, I don’t remember anything really before 9th or 10th grade except for my mother’s suicide attempt. But I digress. I fell in love twice that year. I fell in love with a boy named Elliot and a girl named Eve. Both were amazing even though both lasted what I estimate to be a week. Mars even made a pizza with green peppers that were made into a heart for Elliot. We went to see End Game together. Eve and I only talked about kissing, planning to do it where nobody saw us. We joked about kissing by the Chuck E Cheese car ride. We were weird teenagers, well, normal teenagers actually.

Elliot broke up with me because of my age, we’re only a year apart, however, it made him uncomfortable. That’s okay. We still talk to this day. Eve realized that she was a lesbian part way through our relationship, or at least that’s my theory. We also still talk to this day. I consider both of them to be two of my closest friends.

“You never stopped smoking, but I forgive you. My words and my heart were not enough to give you”

I was 17 when I started vaping. My friends Luke and Zack were doing it so why not me too? I started at 50 nic, which is about 3 and a half cigarettes. Or at least I think, I don’t know anything about cigarettes. Or vaping for that matter. When I turned 18 I became more firm in who I was. I came out to my parents as transgender, my mom had always shrugged it off as me pretending to be someone I’m not, my stepdad has always accepted me but didn’t see why I cared about the surgeries.

"I wish I was sober, I can’t get off the ground."

A revelation, I am killing myself. With all the weed and smoking. We aren’t dying up here of loneliness but of ourselves. Night after night I’ve induced manic episodes from getting too high. Each night I think of myself as a god. Mostly I’m a fire god, able to feel fire without burning myself. These manic episodes started a few weeks after I was diagnosed with bipolar. My life goes up and down it seems. Caffeine doesn’t help, sugar doesn’t help. Nothing I ate really helped with the mood swings. I feel broken. I want my story to end with hope, not despair.

“Apologies to future mes and yous.”

I sometimes wonder if I can be better than I am now. If I’m destined to smoke forever. If I’ll always have manic episodes on the weekends. If my life is a constant back and forth between depressed and manic with no balance between both of them. It’s been raining all week, but just now as I type this there’s the sun shining through my window. Everything exists in cycles after the rain comes the sun. Maybe this is just my rain, maybe this storm will last for a few more days or even a few more years. I know now that someday the storm will end and I will see the sun. Then again, I’ve always loved getting caught in a storm.

“This is a version of me and you that can exist outside of everything else, and if it is just a fantasy, then anything can happen from here.”

A final note:

All quotes separating text are lyrics from Car Seat Headrest. I’ll include a playlist of songs that I’ve sampled these quotes from. Thank you for reading. http://bit.ly/2WAlYMW

#writing #writers on tumblr #DID #car seat headrest #dissociative identity disorder #memoir

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momentsinsong · 5 years

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Moments In Song No. 021 - Tromac Pineapple

“Moments In Song” asks people one simple question, “What are you listening to?” For every installment we ask someone to make a playlist of 10 songs they’re listening to, whether it be something new they stumbled upon, or a song they’ve always loved, and explain the story behind their choices. We aim to show that no matter where we come from, what we do, or what we look like, music has the ability to bring us together.

DMV producer/rapper/DJ Tromac Pineapple reaches every corner of Hip-Hop and brings it together in his playlist. We talk to him about digging through Bandcamp for music, what makes a good DJ, and his new project the Velour Vandal EP.

Listen to Tromac’s playlist on Apple Music and Spotify.

Words and photos by Julian.

_________________________________________________________

Julian: First thing I wanted to ask you is what the thought process was behind making your playlist? People always say it’s hard picking 10 songs to squeeze into it.

Tromac: Well I wanted to spread across my taste as wide as possible. I actually had a hard time once I got to like 7 songs because I was like, “Damn, I can only put in three more of those joints, but I know 5 that I could pick.” I pretty much just wanted to touch on the different types of music I like. I still didn’t even get across all of it.

I noticed that a majority of the playlist was Hip-Hop, but different types of Hip-Hop. You have some boom bap stuff with “Free (Type Shit),” Dilla, and Anderson. Then you have more turn up stuff like WiFIGawd and Ghostie. That Ghostie song caught me off guard. It has a little house feel to it that I wasn’t expecting.

Yeah see I had to add that, because Ghostie is one of the most versatile artists I know. As versatile as this playlist is, he’s six times as versatile as that. As a fellow producer in this area, I have a whole lot of respect for him. And that’s my mans, so I’ll be listening to it anyway. Shit be cranking, no matter what genre he tackles. And then I also have the “Free (Type Shit)” joint because it’s just so smooth and it hits. The beats, the boom bap. That’s one of my favorite things in Hip-Hop. It’s just so powerful. That’s also why I got the J Dilla joint on there. That’s like my favorite Dilla beat of all time. Straight slap, the drums, the snares. The whole thing. It's just hard. Classic. Undeniable.

When did you first really start listening to music and developing your own taste, instead of just listening to what was on the radio?

Pretty much when I was in 9th or 10th grade. Back then my main taste was just mixtapes and shit. The first favorite rapper I ever had was Lil Wayne, and he’s still like top 5 to me to this day. I would just listen to endless mixtapes, because before I graduated High School I just loved to listen to underground shit. I literally didn’t listen to albums and would only listen to mixtapes. I would listen to the first three Droughts, Sorry 4 the Wait. That was my favorite mixtape of all times for like 18 years (laughs).

Were you on DatPiff and all those sites?

Oh bruh, I had a DatPiff account, LiveMixtapes, Sprinrilla, all of that.

So how did listening to mostly mixtapes branch off into listening to other types of artists and other types of music?

Well basically every now and then I would look into what was new that week…

Still on the mixtape websites, or is this on something else?

Yeah still the mixtape sites but at this point I also got into Bandcamp, and that was some real underground type shit. When I got into Bandcamp I was also making my own music at this point and was posting it on there. I would hashtag that shit and then click on them to see who else was posting music from Laurel, MD, or PG County, or just Maryland in general. That’s how I found a bunch of other local artists, like my homies Fonlon and Kente from NASA8, Tek.Lun and other guys. They had the same hashtags because we were all from Laurel. And then from there I would look at other hashtags like #HipHopBeats, and I would discover artists like Madbliss. Searching through hashtags led to me finding a bunch of random bands on Bandcamp, and I feel like that really opened the door for me to be on the lookout for other genres of music.

You said earlier this is when you started making music?

Yeah I started making music in 10th grade.

So is that writing rhymes? Making beats? Both?

Making beats. I mean I was freestyling with my friends all the time, and writing rhymes down in my notebook, but I wasn’t rapping on beats until 11th grade, which was around 2013. I didn’t rap on my own beats until 2014 because I knew my shit wasn’t good (laughs). But it eventually got to a point where I could hit my own stuff instead of YouTube “type beats.” I knew early on “type beats” wasn’t the wave. It is the wave for some people, but it wasn’t the wave for me. And I knew that early on because you can’t really build a solid body of work just taking random beats. Even if you get a bunch of random beats from different producers, it’s more that needs to go into a project than that.

When you first started making music, who were some of your influences when it came to producing? I would assume Dilla is one, or did that not come until later?

I knew about J Dilla because I would hear my parents listen to Erykah Badu and Common, so when my Dad found out that I was making beats he would be like, “Oh so you wanna be like Dougie Fresh and J Dilla?” and I was like, “Who the hell are these people?” All I knew was like Mike WiLL Made-It because that was what I was hearing. I wasn’t too keen on producers at that level. The producers I did know were like Flying Lotus, Tek.Lun, Kaytranada, Sam Gellaitry and that was all through Soundcloud. Some of my favorite producers would be the ones I randomly found on Soundcloud.

Can you talk more about how discovering these local artists’ music on the internet led to you linking up with them, and not just working with them but them becoming your homies.

Literally just through showing love and support through the music. I started coming out here to Baltimore for events and chilling with the homies as a way to immerse myself in the scene. Of course, you met people, you tell people you do music, and eventually the link forms itself. And if you’re good the link grows with a lot of people. When you’re genuine, genuine things happen for you. I’ve never been a “clout chaser” or anything like that. It’s always been, “This dude is really dope. He’s the homie of my homie.”

I agree with that 100%. I feel like every connection or relationship I’ve made with someone in the arts scene has been on some person to person type stuff. Not even like artist to artist, or creative to creative type stuff, but just like as a person. And I feel like you were saying it just grows from there.

Definitely. People who are just creative in general. Photographers, painters, dancers, even like fucking bartenders. Athletes, anyone who’s mind moves faster than the normal individual. I remember when I was learning how to drive my driving instructor told me that people who are athletes and artists tend to get adapted to driving easier, because their brains work more than the average individual because they have a craft they need to constantly focus on. Whatever activity you’re involved in, your brain works harder to adapt to that.

So beats came first, and then the raps. Where does the DJing come into that?

So the DJing came in because I had probably performed 3 or 4 times rapping, but then I was really confident in my beats and I wanted to start performing my beats. By this time, 2015/2016, I would be seeing videos of dudes like eu-IV, j.robb, other producers I looked up to, random Boiler Room videos, and was thinking, “Why can’t I perform my shit?” So I started creating mixes in FL Studio, and learned to DJ through that. It was tedious as fuck, but I had time because I was kid and didn’t have shit to do (laughs).

I feel like that shows in your sets now. The last one I saw from you, you had a transition from some house song to a Gucci Mane song that was crazy. Never would I have thought to put those two tracks together.

Literally when I DJ, I just play the music that I like. That Gucci Mane song just came back into my rotation like a week ago and I was just like, “Damn I don’t remember this shit being so hard. I gotta play this at a show!” A lot of it is on the fly. I don’t really plan too much outside of downloading the music. I always go off of the crowd and how I feel. Sometimes I’ll download 30 songs for a set and only end up playing like 13, and the rest of the set would’ve been made up of songs I’ve played at other shows.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a show, and have been practicing the week before, and had a playlist ready, and you go in and the crowd is totally different, the energy changes, so you have to play off the cuff. I feel like as much emphasis you put on practicing and preparing, you also need to have the skill of being able to be on your toes and change on the drop of a dime.

I feel like if you’re a good DJ, that should already be a thing. You should know. You pick up on things like that automatically. The shows are practice. You’re not gonna get the same experience at a show, practicing at home. That’s why I feel like if you’re just starting out you should take as many opportunities as you can, and get a feel of what your lane is. I used to take any show I could. I would DJ baby showers, college pools parties, everything. You gotta find your lane, figure out what type of crowds your best in, and switch it up every now and then.

What can you tell me about the new project you got coming up? What kind of sound and themes can people expect from it?

So the new project is called the Velour Vandal EP, and it’s basically establishing myself as a rapper in the game. I’ve had rap projects before, I’ve had beat tapes, but this is my first official EP. I want people to hear this and think, “Ok, Tromac is actually trying to make it type shit.” It’s really just a lot of crank on this joint, but it’s not like I was in this joint like, “Fuck your bitch…”

You put some thought into it.

Yeah! There’s some lyrics that you gotta ask about. I’m trying to make something that’ll hit, stick, and has good content. All the people I’m working with on it are people I know care and are passionate about music. The intro is produced by me and Koleco, I’m recording all of the songs with Martin J. Ballou, I got Vlad on a song, I got Ghostie. Pretty much have all people I know are serious about music. I want this project to be something.

Yeah it’s like your introduction as a whole artist.

Yeah. And the whole thing behind the title is for like the last year or so, I’ve become really fond of velvet and have been buying a lot of it. People would always tell me I’m a bear, because I’m big and shit, soft and cuddly, just a cozy ass nigga. I have a thing where I give myself a bunch of alisas, and Velour Vandal just happen to be one of them, and I was like, “Hmm. I can do something with that.”

Any last words about your playlist and what you want the people to get from it?

I want people to go into it with a blank slate. Almost pretend like you’ve never heard music before, be reintroduced to all the different genres and aspects of these songs, and cultivate a new taste from that.

Connect with Tromac Pineapple:

https://twitter.com/TromacPineapple

https://www.instagram.com/tromacpineapple/

https://soundcloud.com/tromac

Connect with Moments In Song:

https://www.instagram.com/momentsinsong/

https://twitter.com/moments_in_song

https://tinyurl.com/MISAppleMusic

https://tinyurl.com/MISSpotify

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shitthehousessay · 6 years

Text

85 QUESTIONS TAG

thanks for the tag @fizzypop315

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people

— What was your last…

1. Drink: Lemonade.

2. Phone call: My babe.

3. Text message: My friend @more-zero-than-ace.

4. Song you listened to: Actually it was a mashup between House of Gold and Gasoline (21 Pilots and Halsey).

5. Time you cried: Bro it was literally like an hour and a half ago .

6. Dated someone twice: Yeah I have during freshman year. It was a bad decisions tho and it’s the only ex I’ve ever gotten back with.

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Ouch. IT’s been a while and I wasn’t the one who kissed them.

8. Been cheated on: Like a year and a half ago. It was the guy right before Cody and he cheated on me while I was in the hospital.

9. Lost someone special: It’s been a pretty frequent thing so it’s hard to pinpoint just one person, but recently it was brought to light that I unintentionally hurt someone I care about a lot and right now I’m trying to fix it but it may be a while.

10. Been depressed: Very recently. I have a severe depressive disorder so it’s frequent and not always in my control.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Haha never.

— Fave colours

12. Blue.

13. Red.

14. I guess black or grey.

— in the last year have you…

15. Made new friends: Haha well it’s hard not to when you change schools, so yes.

16. Fallen out of love: Not at all.

17. Laughed until you cried: Oh yeah, last night in fact.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes.

19. Met someone who changed you: Maybe. The first person who comes to mind is my boyfriend which is a year and a half not just a year but I’m sure there are others.

20. Found out who your friends are: I kind of already knew. I have realized that there are some people who are real friends even if we don’t talk all the time.

21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list: My boyfriend lol.

— General

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl: I know all of them except for 1 or 2 maybe, even if I don’t know them all personally.

23. Do you have any pets: 2 dogs and assorted fish.

24. Do you want to change your name: Only my middle name. My first one is fine.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: Nothing. I don’t really make a big deal out of my birthday.

26. What time did you wake up today: 9:00 am.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Practicing calligraphy because I couldn’t sleep.

28. What is something you can’t wait for: Summer vacation for sure.

30. What are you listening to right now: A mash-up playlist I created.

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Probably at some point.

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves: My physics teacher for sure. I swear I’m gonna strangle her one of these days...

33. Most visited website: Tumblr, Buzzfeed, or YouTube.

34. Hair colour: Dark brown naturally, but red right now. (About to be *very* red since I’m dying it again soon.)

35. Long or short hair: Shoulder length, but I’m working on growing it out.

36. Do you have a crush on someone: My boyfriend lol.

37. What do you like about yourself: I have pretty eyes, I like my curves, and I can make people laugh.

38. Want any piercings: Second piercings in my ears and maybe a side labret.

39. Blood type: Not sure, but it’s O something. Negative I think.

40. Nicknames: Mel, Melty, and Mellie.

41. Relationship status: Basically married.

42. Sign: Taurus.

43. Pronouns: She/Her.

44. Fave tv show: Riverdale and Criminal Minds.

45. Tattoos: Not yet, but I want sleeves on my left arm and both thighs and a few other small ones.

46. Right or left handed: Right.

47: Ever had surgery: Yup. 2 actually.

48. Piercings: Just my ears right now.

49. Sport: Sport? I know not this word.(All disclosure I used to run track but that’s it.)

50. Vacation: Just went to Washington for winter break and am going again for summer vacation.

51. Trainers: Like trainers as in shoes? Cause in that case Converse high tops are king.

— More general

52. Eating: Pizza right now.

53. Drinking: Water.

54. I’m about to watch: Criminal Minds for an ungodly amount of time for like the 10th time this week.

55. Waiting for: Summer vacay yo.

56. Want: A lot right now. Most of all tho, i just want to see my boyfriend again.

57. Get married: Definitely.

58. Career: Writer or profiler for the BAU actually.

— Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses: Hugs. (Unless it’s a kiss from my babe.)

60. Lips or eyes: Eyes.

61. Shorter or taller: Taller.

62. Older or younger: Older. (Guys my age usually suck tbh.)

63. Nice arms or stomach: Ooooooooooh. I love tummies, but nice arms are like actually my weakness. Like if I have a thing for anything it’s nice arms.

64. Hookup or relationships: Relationships.

65. Troublemaker or hesitant: Depends on the day tbh.

— Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger: Nope.

67. Drank hard liquor: Haha I plead the 5th.

68.Turned someone down: Yup.

69. Sex on first date: No.

70: Broken someone’s heart: Sadly yes.

71. Had your heart broken: Yeah. Not in a romantic way, but yeah.

72. Been arrested: Haha no.

73. Cried when someone died: Yup.

74. Fallen for a friend: Yeah.

— Do you believe in

75. Yourself: Sometimes.

76. Miracles: Usually.

77. Love at first sight: Kind of. Since the first moment I saw Cody- in 8th grade y’all- I knew he’d be important to me at some point. And he is.

78. Santa Claus: Haha not anymore.

79. Angels: Nope.

— Misc

80. Eye colour: Hazel. Sometimes more gold, sometimes more brown, and sometimes more green. Depends on the day and the lighting.

81. Best friends name: I have a few close friends but I’m not sure who I’d actually call my best friend.

82. Favourite movie: Not sure actually.

83. Favourite actor: Hmmm. Also not sure tbh.

84. Favourite cartoon: I’m pretty partial to Avatar and Phineas and Ferb actually.

85. Favourite teacher’s name: Mrs. McGowan or Mrs. Burleson.

I tag: @more-zero-than-ace, @mikaylajpg, @bleeding-fandom-heart, @sarahthehappygiraffe, @spuperpoop, @pixiesinthevoid, @definitelyatransboy, and anyone else here who wants to do it.

-Mel (the Slytherin)

#minor announcement #mel #about me #about mel #asks #shitthehousessay #long post #tldr #sorry for the tldr #bordom

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kxlebcross · 4 years

Text

hippity hoppity here goes the long ass rant about my cousin

for context - i was a kid when i started liking kpop, like 13-14 yrs old? i was still collecting plushies, reading magazines for young teens, enjoying some music and playing sims. yes, i may have had my emo episode back then with some heavy music too, and that never went well with my mum’s older sister and her heavily religious husband, but oh boi, the worst was my cousin. she is 6 yrs older than me and that was around the time she started picking out an university to go to, so the focus HAD to be on her, the important future student and her boyfriend and this and that... she was always going on about going to art school and she was really fucking talented so she had all chances to be a really great artist, getting married to her boyfriend, wanting a family and all her future, while i was just a middle school kid dressing in all black, who suddenly started enjoying some fun kpop song on their otherwise heavy metal/rock music playlist.

when she find out, she was GIVING ME HELL for it. do you remember 2013 kpop? adtoy by 2pm, ringa linga by gd & taeyang, gentleman by psy or fantastic baby by bigbang? i fucking loved those songs. i was a kid in a really bad place in life after moving 2 countries away from the place where i was born, from all my friends, my school, my life... listen, it’s 10 years hitting this year since my mother decided about moving and i’m still not over it, so just imagine, how bad i must’ve felt back then, when it wasn’t even a year after the move? i was a devastated little kid who found a little joy in some fun, jumpy kpop tones in contrast to the usual heavy music i was listening to usually (do you remember the oldest bring me the horizon songs, all the screaming and anger? think of it as my regular playlist, my mother hated it haha). i was never a diehard fan, never had posters of idols on my walls, i only have like 2 merch pieces (and those aren’t even original cuz we were poor and could never afford it, so i looked up the merch online and my mum had a similar thing done in a local, cheaper workshop for my birthday one time, please don’t judge me for that) and it was just music for me, as well as the english, american, japanese, polish and hungarian music was just music too.

and i got terrible shit for it from my cousin, who pretty much criticized everything about me: my clothes (we were poor, i was mostly dressing out of second hand shops and surprise - her hand-me-downs), my shitty phone (and old samsung model i got for my 9th or 10th bday), my taste in books (i really REALLY loved king’s books to which one of my classmates introduced me back then), my inability to perfectly speak the language (though i was raised in a bilingual household, the main language in my house was hungarian, and i was a stubborn kid who rarely ever wanted to speak polish at home, so when we moved i could barely speak the language, had to take extra classes every day in school for almost the entire first school year i spent here because i had to learn to write and speak properly), but the biggest shit i always got for kpop, that it’s garbage, that i don’t even understand it, it’s just shitty party music with extra steps... i resented her for that A LOT, which probably had smth to do with the age difference too, but hey, whatever. i always closed up when we visited them and my mum was understanding about it, she pretty much allowed me to just hang around the place and listen to my music, play on my phone or just read a book, and my aunt hated it - but it was at least peaceful, i occasionally got the kpop jab from my cousin which i shrugged off, but that was it... until one time i spoke up.

i can’t remember what it was about - but we were all having lunch and it was easter or christmas maybe, and at a certain point i got called out for something, maybe using my phone under the table? anyway, i spoke up about treating me like shit because i was already 15 by that and i had a big fucking mouth and no tolerance for their bullshit after listening to it for two years, which ended in my mother almost going into a shock after hearing my vicious remark, my aunt’s husband going into a raging fit and my aunt telling my mum that she’s a terrible mother and raised a terrible kid. we left after that and i didn’t return to them in the following years - i just heard from the grapevine that my cousin ended up dropping out of college because “it was just too tiring and too much”, broke up with her boyfriend and then was just sleeping around with some random dudes, and generally just misrailed her life and had to move back in with her parents who were devastated after all their hopes about my cousin went to hell.

i haven’t seen them for years - we sort of reconciled a few years later when my mother forced me to do it; my cousin probably forgot by then whatever shit she was giving me earlier and we hanged out a bit, caught up and shit... i’m pretty sure it was only because she was to get married to her boyfriend and wanted the whole family there? not important.

the boyfriend is a pretty awful person imo tbh - he has some nationalist tendencies, not once spoke up in a very homophobic and derogatory way about all kind of lgbtq+ people, which in the end resulted in me removing him from all my social medias, because miss me with that nationalism babe. anyway, they got married and moved into their own place and into the family spotlight again, while i finished school and then years after their wedding my mum announced very proudly that i finished school with good grades and got into university - which immediately stirred the shit in the old shit bucket our relations were. my own fucking aunt dared saying that i’ll never succeed in life and will drop out than her own daughter would because i’m not made for a successful life. she never said it to my face - said it to my mother, who gave up a job she loved just so she could send me half a country away from my home so i could study where i wanted. i mean, i have my own issues with my mother too but i can’t not admire her sacrifices she made for me - so that sort off hit it off again with me and i once again burned bridges with them when moving out 3 years ago. seen them maybe two times since then? i mean, i never tried reaching out to them - they only ever got some happy birthdays and merry christmases on facebook, because my mother insisted i do that. they never called or wrote back, not for my birthday, not for christmas, not for anything else. i only found out in the last few months that on that christmas 2 yrs ago, which i spent alone, they were asked by my mum to please invite me over at least for a coffee. they never even called and my mum was heartbroken over it, because she was literal thousands of kilometres away, working and counted on her sister to invite me... my mum’s friends, basically strangers, ended up inviting me over for a christmas dinner in the end. i spent a family holiday with people i’ve literally seen five times in my life and they were more than joyful to have me in their company and they even got me a present, while my technically closes family couldn’t even spare a phone call.

now i’m 23 and my cousin is closing on 30 - and she’s suddenly overcome with that kpop obsession she has, spamming both instagram and facebook with mv links, fantaken photos, band-related posts and news articles, all heart emojis and “OmG i LoVe ThEm” kind of bullshit captions, she’s intensely drooling over certain members she’s posting a lot about, i’m seeing at least 15 posts daily about her bad drawings of members of the band.... listen.... if an artist doesn’t practice for 7+ yrs, the skills they had just start to fade away even if they were really talented (trust me, i know it from my own experiences, i used to know how to draw, sing and play a few instruments when i was young but then i stopped practicing and now the most i can draw in a stickman, i can’t play any instruments for shit and i’m a low average in singing too), but she thinks she’s some motherfucking superstar of drawing portraits (trust me, shes NOT) and keeps spamming all those pics and posts and shit.... and just seeing that sort of brought the memories back, of her treating me like shit over a thing she’s now obsessed with and i’m just sitting here like.... gag.

i could absolutely understand being a fan and being a group stan but there is a certain limit after which being a fan turns into that gross, twisted thing. do you know all those memes that go along the lines of “i don’t hate kpop because of the music, i hate kpop over the r*tarded fans it has”? that’s a whole ass mood. i’m sure that everyone who’s at least interested in kpop heard of the insane psychofan part of the fanbase.... and she’s turning into it. she’s fucking drooling over some famous strangers while she’s like... 30. and has a husband. would it be so hard for her to “keep it in her pants”? i’m super NOT interested in seeing all that crazy fan shit she’s pulling and honestly she’s grossing me out and you know people like her are the reason i can’t even fucking enjoy kpop anymore the way i did earlier - because it’s being fucking pushed down my god damned throat every-fucking-where i look. just calm the very fuck down, please. behave like a god fucking damned adult.

#kush speaks #rant #personal #listen... im not gonna name the band #lets just say its not a rookie band so its not like shes a paedo drooling over literal children #its just mainly about the crazy fan behavior shes presenting #from what i know she started being a fan in january #and she went batshit crazy in like 3 months??? cuz ive been seeing those posts since march i think??#or april? smth like that #i earlier didnt pay much attention tbh #but now that were in lockdown she probs has way too much time on her hands #and shes spending it being a psychofan lol #and its just making me uncomfortable #REALLY uncomfortable #supporters of that behavior pls do not interact #cousin hate tag

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idekwidcfo · 4 years

Text

chapter one part two

And I didn��t do it! Months passed and I had the same issues-- I wanted to ask her out! I planned on asking her out! But I didn’t. Every time I tried-- still!-- I chickened out.

It got to be a few days before prom and suddenly Mar was approaching me. We were in the halls after school; I had been putting textbooks in my locker. “Hey,” she said, casually.

“Hi,” I said, hoping I sounded casual but paranoid that I sounded terrified, since I was.

“So, Billie and I had a really interesting conversation earlier,” she told me, in the same casual tone.

“Oh?” I asked, all I could get out since my thoughts had frozen to a complete halt.

“Yeah, something about how you were supposed to ask me out but never worked up the nerve so now she had to tell me about it since she had told you that she was going to tell me if you didn’t do it? And uh, yeah, you didn’t ask me out, so her story checks out.”

I felt my face get hot and looked at the cuticles on my thumb instead of her. “Um,” I said, because it seemed like I had to say something. Mar didn’t say anything but I could feel her looking at me and supposed that meant I had to say something else. “Yeah, that’s a thing that happened, I guess.”

She sighed. “You know, being too scared to work up the nerve to ask me out isn’t a very attractive trait.”

“Yeah, I figure,” I said, deciding my shoes were more interesting than my nails.

“You’re lucky you have a lot of traits that are attractive.”

I looked up to check whether she was teasing me or not. It didn’t look like she was. “You have so many traits that are attractive that it’s intimidating.”

She smiled at me. I was dazzled by it. I think my heart might have stopped for a moment. “You’re really cute, you know. What a bummer you never got the stones to ask me out.”

“Oh. So you aren’t asking me to prom? You’re just calling me out for being a pathetic scared jackass?”

“Why should I ask you out if you’re the one that has a crush on me?” she said.

“Oh. Okay. That’s fair,” I replied, hoping my face wasn’t giving away the fact that I was devastated.

Mar sighed again. “Look, dude, I’ll make you a deal. Ask me out, and I’ll say yes. Not to prom, it’s way too late for that and I’m taking a couple of my friends as friend-dates. I’m not going to dick out on them a few days before prom. But ask me on some other date. The only thing is that you have to actually do it, okay? And not right now. My mom is going to get pissed at me if I don’t go meet her at the car immediately. My AIM screenname is ‘ohshititsmar’, all one word. Hit me up,” she said, then literally skipped away. I loved it. Conspicuous weirdness was definitely one of the reasons I found her so attractive.

I wasted no time when I got home-- I went straight to my computer and added her on AIM, though I was disappointed to see she was not online. Had she really been suggesting that I ask her out over internet chat? I hoped so. That would be so much easier than asking her out in person. And it would still be asking her out, so it fit the ‘deal’ she made me.

I tried to focus on some homework, with a bit of success. It took me an hour to add one paragraph to a research essay I was writing for World History, but that was better than not adding anything. Eventually, Mar did log on, but I didn’t message her right away. I didn’t want it to be obvious that I had been waiting for her to sign on. But I didn’t want to give myself the opportunity to not message her at all, so I was sure to wait only five minutes.

The problem was that I struggled for another five minutes or so about what to actually say. I eventually decided to send her something short and simple: “hey”. I felt kinda dumb for overthinking it so much, but I had really wanted to say something clever and interesting. When I hadn’t been able to think of anything clever and interesting, I figured saying “hey” was better than nothing.

She responded, and we got a pretty decent chat going.

OHSHITITSMAR: hey! Wasn’t sure you’d message me lol

Cows_IV: lol why you think I’m that much of a pussy? >_>

OHSHITITSMAR: well, sort of? the whole reason we’re talking is because Billie telling me you were too much of a pussy to ask me out lol

Cows_IV: okay, that’s fair. but it’s a lot easier to message someone online to talk in person, you know?

OHSHITITSMAR: yeah, also fair. I’m totally interested in getting to know you a little better you know.

Cows_IV: same to you, obviously! I think you’re super attractive and awesome but I guess I haven’t really talked to you one-on-one.

So we started talking. We had a lot of favourite musicians in common, but still had plenty of recommendations for each other. We sent each other mp3 files of our favourite stuff, and I added the songs she sent me to the playlist I was listening to. Some of her recommendations were local bands, which I was stoked about. It turned out she liked going out to see live music, something I had always wanted to do but never actually ended up doing.

Hours passed, and before we knew it, it was 2am.

Cows_IV: Holy shit, it’s past 2am >_>

OHSHITITSMAR: hahaha, so it is. It’s been really fun talking to you ^_^

Cows_IV: glad to hear! I was so nervous lol. you’re so cool, and I’m just the weird little trans boy whose never got the courage to ask anyone out :(

OHSHITITSMAR: and why is that? if u don’t mind my asking

Cows_IV: because I am a trans boy, mostly, I think. I don’t think anyone wants to date me because of it. Most people like to date dudes with dicks and chicks with vaginas, to be blunt.

OHSHITITSMAR: so you’ve just been denying yourself even trying to date anyone?

Cows_IV: well, not no one. I dated some boys in 9th and 10th grade. But they kept insisting they were straight and i was “really a girl” and I couldn’t take it any more.

Cows_IV: I said “they” like it happened a bunch lol just two guys

Cows_IV: I know I like girls too but before transition guys would actually ask me out and girls don’t usually do the asking out so never dated one before

Cows_IV: aaaand now I’m just going on and on and on about myself lol

Cows_IV: how about you you have a dating history?

OHSHITITSMAR: uhh no worries, that’s interesting lol

OHSHITITSMAR: I would say tell me more but I guess we’ll get there someday, right?

Cows_IV: [grinning emoji]

OHSHITITSMAR: I dated one dude in 9th&10th grade then he met someone he liked more than me [shrugging emoji] I have not gotten back into the whole dating thing since.

OHSHITITSMAR: partially because i also like boys&girls and girls do suck at asking people out… you got that so right lmao

Cows_IV: but you do like boys

OHSHITITSMAR: yeah duhh lol why do you think I gave you my AIM sn?

Cows_IV: a lot of people don’t think I’m a boy, sadly.

OHSHITITSMAR: that’s dumb yr literally growing facial hair and did you have top surgery or are you just really good at smooshing yr titties down?

Cows_IV: [laughing emoji] no I’ve had top surgery lol. thanks. That was very Validating lmao

OHSHITITSMAR: well it’s true anyone who wants to look at you and call you a girl is clearly a dumbass with yr little mustahce and all that

Cows_IV: Well, I guess it’s time

OHSHITITSMAR: for what, us to go to fuckn sleep? It is almost 3am now >_>

I looked at the screen, struggling with myself a bit. I had wanted it to be time to ask her out, but she had a point that it was actually probably time to go to sleep. But for some reason, maybe because it was 3 am, maybe because I felt bad about not asking her out earlier, maybe because I’d had such a nice time chatting with her for the past, what, 9 hours? I decided to go through with it.

Cows_IV: no, silly, it’s time for me to ask you out before I get the chance to chicken out again.

I kept typing, and was both relieved and a little freaked out to see Mar was not typing. I imagined she was waiting for me to finish, but I was also scared she actually hadn’t wanted me to ask her out over instant messenger and I was making a fool of myself.

Cows_IV: I know it’s not, like, the most impressive thing to ask someone out over AIM but I’m really scared if I tell myself I’ll do it tomorrow in person, or Monday, or whatever, I’ll just end up not doing it again. I am feeling brace enough to do it now and am going to go ahead and do it

Cows_IV: SHIT *brave lol

I kept an eye out for the little “OHSHITITSMAR is typing…” notification on the bottom of our chat window and didn’t see it, so I continued to type.

Cows_IV: ANYWAY to make it, like, official and asking you on a real date or whatever. Dear Mar, would you like to go with me to Electric Avenue next Friday to check out the local bands and have a First Date?

I hit enter, and watched closely again for the little “OHSHITITSMAR is typing…” notification. It didn’t show up for a while, just long enough to get a little knot in my stomach. Luckily, it did show up a few moments later, but it didn’t ease the stomach knot.

Finally, a message from her replaced the “OHSHITITSMAR is typing…” notification.

OHSHITITSMAR: okay, I’m totally down. I was worried you wouldn’t even get the nerve to ask me out over AIM, but you did and I’m glad. So, it’ll be our first date? You and me at Electric Avenue moshing to local bands? :smiling emoji:

I fucking screamed. A terrible shrill sound that was pretty much “eeeeee!!!” came out of my mouth. I remembered it was 3am and my dad would tear me a new one if I woke him up, so I made myself shut the fuck up as soon as possible, but the giant smile on my face was nice and quiet and stuck around for a good ten minutes.

Cows_IV: yes! I just got my license a few months ago so I can even pick you up. Wanna make it a ~~real~~ date and get food first?

OHSHITITSMAR: sure! I see doors open at 8, pick me up at 7? I’ll give you my address in person at school.

Cows_IV: wow! Sounds great! Anywhere in particular you’d likne to go for dinner?

OHSHITITSMAR: you’re buying lol, so fast food is fine. Maybe steak n shake? Cheap but sit down? Also i fckn love Steak n shake lol

Cows_IV: it is a date! So, uh, do you want to go to sleep now? It is … three hours until school starts :s sorry to keep you up so late.

OHSHITITSMAR: eh, why bother at this point? Wanna stay up and pull an all-nighter together?

Cows_IV: :grinning emoji: that sounds fun. I pull all-nighters by myself often enough, it’ll be nice to sort of have some company.

And so we stayed up until it was time to get ready for school, chatting, sharing our favorite songs, getting to know each other even better, and sending each other links to funny memes.

#original fiction

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arosenst · 4 years

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Researching & Analyzing an Arts Encounter: Pinkerton

My parents have such good taste in music. They knew it was important to incorporate music into my life while I was growing up and for that, I’ll be forever grateful. My dad, like most dads, is really into Rock. If I had to guess, I’d say his favorite bands are The Who and R.E.M. Something I really respect about him is how he doesn’t close off his taste to what he likes the best. He makes an effort to listen to taste-breaking stuff in order to broaden his library of music. This came in handy when he downloaded songs from Limewire to burn onto CDs for me and to make playlists for my Ipod. These mixes were the launchpad for what has become my music taste today. I worshipped them like they were gods. Among the bops and bangers that these playlists had to offer, like “Hey Ya” and “Let’s Get it Started”, my dad made sure to culture me with some edgier tunes. Weezer had just come out with “Pork and Beans” and 8 year old me became enlightened. Over the next few years, I’d go through a huge One Direction phase, an emo phase, and an Odd Future phase, which, oddly enough, would lead me back to Weezer.

I hit 10th grade and discovered Pinkerton, Weezer’s 1996 sophomore album. At first, I just loved the songs for their melodies and sounds. For a long time, I thought this was the only reason why the album is so good. The production is imperfect, which made the album feel edgy and rebellious. Being an angsty teenager, I thought that was amazing. Eventually, I realized the importance of the lyrics in the album. The song “El Scorcho” was particularly fascinating to me. Rivers Cuomo, the frontman of the band, sings about a girl who he thinks he would be good for and who would also be good for him. It reminded me of the boy I had a crush on. In the song “The Good Life”, Cuomo thinks back to a time where he was truly happy and dreams of getting back to that lifestyle. Listening to that song makes me reminisce about the best parts of my life and how I wish I could go back and live in those moments. There are tons of songs on the album that I found incredibly relatable, which is why I think the album is so popular among Weezer fans. It is easy to envision oneself as the protagonist of the story told throughout the album. The album was already 20 years old by the time I discovered it, yet the themes are timeless enough to have reached me.

Up until I got to college, I was convinced that Pinkerton was Weezer’s best album. I’d studied their entire discography and came to the conclusion that anything they did after 2008 sucked and that they peaked in the ’90s. I still stand by that opinion but I recently realized that Pinkerton might not be as phenomenal as I originally thought. In reality, from an unbiased, non-angsty-teen perspective, The Blue Album is far superior. Pinkerton consumed me because I wanted to be different. The lyrics tell the story of someone who thinks they are unique in a weirdly depressing and lonely way. The irony is that everyone who canonizes this album has that in common, invalidating the eccentricity we all thought we had. I thought I was cool because I listened to taste-breaking music like my dad does. It took me a long time to figure out that my personal taste doesn’t equate to what is objectively the best. In other words, Pinkerton < The Blue Album.

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undeterminedintentions · 7 years

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2:3:17:12:26

Eh, it’s late, but it was a late night and I’m in a good mood and I’m not super tired so I’m gonna write. We made eye contact this morning. I was studying for a Spanish test we ended up not taking, and you walked down the hall towards the cafeteria. I try not to look at you, but it’s getting easier to. I guess it doesn’t quite hurt me as bad now that I know you’re hurting too. Saying you hurting makes me feel better sounds bad, but it’s the truth. You hurt me, and I guess this is the karma for that. Feels good to know that for once I’m not the one hurting you. You hurt me and now you feel bad about it.

I hung out with my best friend tonight. I know how much I mean to her. She talks to me about a lot of stuff and I make her feel better. Been through thick and thin. She’s cried on my shoulder and I’ve always been there for her. I don’t talk to her about my problems, and she knows that I don’t want to and respects that. Best best friend I’ve ever had, dunno what I’d do without her.

I’ve come to realize that I’m an extremely jealous person. Both towards the girls I like, and my close friends. They are MINE and I don’t like sharing. It’s unbelievable how much anger I can feel towards the guys you talk to, even if I don’t know them. I HATED B. back when I was in 10th grade, but now I’ve learned that he’s a kinda cool guy. He did bad things to you and that’s horrible, but I hated him before solely because he was talking to you. I hated M. when he started talking to you. He was my best friend and I cut him off like it was nothing. He’s tried to apologize to me but I turned down his apology. I do not want to be friends with him ever again because of what he did to you. We had to clean the band room together one day last week. He had to ride in my car. Was awkward to say the least, but I made it work. He tries to talk to me now and then, but I always keep my responses minimal. Now I hate R. because he’s talking to you. Don’t know the kid, and he might be a super cool guy, but I hate him because he gets to talk to you and I don’t.

C A N W E T A L K first off, you only put 8 songs on the CD, not 9. The other I had to look up on YouTube. I made those 8 songs into a Spotify playlist so that I didn’t have to put in the CD to listen to them if I wanted to. Buuuutt the songs and the thought of you making it for me is super depressing, so I doubt I’ll listen to it much. Can we talk? Really? You ask me can we talk, but YOU don’t even ask me. You made my best friend do it, and even then it was a hidden message. Like I told my best friend tonight, it sure doesn’t look like you want to talk to me considering you’re still talking to him. Sonic was hella awkward. I started shaking as soon as I saw Justin pull up because I knew y'all were with him at the party. Dyl sent me a snap with all of y'all in it. I blamed the shaking on me being cold (which I was), but I think you pulling in really ramped up the shaking. C. was like “this is gonna be hella awkward” and I was like YEEEEEPPPPPP. And then you had the audacity to come over to my car, have me put down the window, and you talk to me best friend that’s sitting right beside me…. Ballsy. I made eye contact with you and literally gave you the biggest eye roll in my entire life. I thought my eyes were gonna get lost in the back of my head. I just don’t understand you. It’s like you’re a hypocrite. A hypocrite afraid to commit to anyone. You think I’m going to talk to you and you still continue to talk to R…… Not gonna happen. If you want to talk to me, throw him back where you found him and hmu. Until you’re willing to do that, I don’t want to talk to you. I’m not desperate. I don’t NEED to talk to you. I want to, sure. I miss you, of course. But it’s not time yet. I’m not going to make it easy on you. I’m not playing hard to get or anything, but you deserve to hurt for a little longer. If you want to talk to me, TALK TO ME. Not through my bestfriend.

You’re posting on your other account now too, trying to get my attention. Well done, it’s working, but I’m not compelled to reply to you on my main account. I can vent on here and that’s all I need. One tumblr is plenty. I only use tumblr when life isn’t super happy, when I need to repost things to tell how I feel. Now I’m writing how I feel. And this probably works even better. I’m beginning to think you don’t know about this account after all, or you would be responding to more of the stuff I’m saying (I think, anyway). Which is weird that you gave me that CD then, but I guess a lot of things are weird in life. Anyway, I had a good time with my best friend tonight. I’m in a good mood tonight. I’m not feeling depressed tonight. I’m okay with you being on my mind tonight. I need more nights like tonight.

#venting

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ajyoung-dp · 7 years

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Developing the Look of The Watchman’s Canoe

“God, I wish we could shoot this on film.” I remember Barri Chase, the director of The Watchman's’ Canoe, lamenting over the reality of tiny budgets for indie films. Funds were forcing us to shoot the feature on digital, but we still wanted the aesthetics of emulsion. The question became, how can we make digital look like film?

Before landing on a camera, I researched what makes film look like film. Long story short, I discovered an inverse relationship between digital and film.

Film holds highlight detail incredibly well, while digital holds shadow detail. This is because the two mediums record light on a fundamentally different level. Silver halide in the film stock require a certain amount of photons (aka, threshold) to activate the chemical process for recording an image. Conversely, digital starts with a maximum threshold of photons and keeps reading less and less photons until the next exposure.

Film has grain, digital is clean. A no brainer, but definitely a distinguishing quality of emulsion that naturally occurs within film. At optimal settings (IE: native ISO or less), digital is clinically clean.

My sources of research were: How Video Works by Weise and Weynand, ASC Manual 10th Edition, Cambridge in Color, and working colleagues.

The inverse relationship between digital and film gave me an idea to use it to my advantage.

Colleagues recommended I check the work of Harris Savides, specifically Birth and The Yards, and of Jody Lee Lipes in Martha Marcy May Marlene. Both cinematographers severely under-exposed the negative and pushed them back in the lab. The resulting effects were seamless highlights and quick to black shadows. As a viewer, it gave an unsettling experience (Birth) and a worn old feeling (Martha).

We originally wanted to shoot on film because the story took place in the 1960′s. We wanted the image to look like an old home movie found in your grandmother’s attic. Little care to the emulsion with grain, milky shadows, and soft highlights. I figured, based on the work of Savides and Lipes, I could play with underexposure to make my digital camera mimic film.

Our budget allowed for the Alexa Mini. The ARRI series of digital cameras looks like film straight out of the box which was an incredibly helpful starting point. However, I didn’t believe the camera at base settings was enough; I wanted more of a filmic response to light. I decided to play with the ISO.

ISO (International Standards Organization), ASA (American Standards Association), or gain (measured in DB) are simply arbitrary units of measurement for a camera’s sensitivity to light. Most digital cameras are rated in ISO, but ASA is the same measurement.

For many new cinematographers and filmmakers, changing ISO means the camera is more/less sensitive to light; great for dark locations that low budget films are forced to use. Changing ISO may be save the day on set, but can be deadly later in post.

The native ISO is determined by the camera manufacturer to be the most equal distribution of detail above and below proper exposure (18% grey). Theoretically, a camera with 12 stops of dynamic range at native ISO will have 6 stops of detail in the shadows and 6 stops of detail in the highlights.

The camera is only sensitive to a certain amount of light, whether it is a lot or a little. The dynamic range is based on this, which then the native ISO of a camera is determined.

When a DP deviates the ISO from the native ISO, they’re not making the sensor more sensitive, but interpreting the data differently. For a rough example, if I decrease my ISO by two stops, then I lose two stops of detail in my highlights and gain two stops of detail in my shadows. The following graph is a visual representation of what I’ve described (assuming 800ISO is the native ISO for a hypothetical camera):

Film is the same way; pushing/pulling the film stock in the lab doesn’t make the emulsion see more, it just interprets the latent image differently.

I entered the camera tests with a clear direction: how can I best shift my dynamic range into the highlights?

Testing was done at AbelCine Burbank, who supplied the camera package for the entire feature. I shot a grey card and color chart at various under exposures at various ISO’s. (For a control group, I recorded the native ISO as well) Then, on site, I threw them into DaVinci and pushed the images back up to proper exposure. In comparison to the control group, I chose six different under exposures to take with me out into the field with my actors.

I couldn’t get the original actors for the camera tests (because both were in two separate states). Instead, I got the help of two friends (Kelly and Zak) who closely matched the look, skin tone, and hair color of the main cast.

You can watch the test results here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu4QCg_xGCQOvOaSmzkhGfNdUVoYwo3qa

The following are some stills of the test results:

Full shade

Sun as edge light

Sun as key light

On location, I seemed to favor the 1600ISO under exposed by two more stops, effectively under exposing the image three stops in total. It looked great in complete shade and when the sun was the edge light, but completely fell apart when the sun was the key light. That was to be expected, however, because the contrast between the highlights and shadows is extreme. Having little to no information in the shadows renders VERY milky blacks in such a high contrast situation.

I also tested at night with my friend Chris. Some scenes feature candle light:

(NOTE: Theses stills have a 1/2 BPM Filter on)

(NOTE: These stills have a 1/2 BPM Filter on)

Barri and I screened the results on a DCP projector and agreed that 1600ISO -2 would be the be ideal look for the film. Needless to say, the end results were fantastic when we entered production. I LOVED the images we were getting.

There were some downsides to this look that essentially was baked into the image:

Little to no shadow detail - Naturally, in the color grade some shots (or parts of a shot) were too dark. Pulling exposure from the shadows yielded a lot of noise. It was also sometimes impossible to pull anything from the shadows if it was beyond 2 stops under exposed from our settings.

Color bounce - Because of the shooting ISO of 6400 (1600IS - 2), I generally needed to use less lights. However, the sunlight bounced a lot of green color onto my subjects’ faces. It’s not because the color information fell apart with such a look, it’s because the green colors of the forest were bouncing green light when the sun hit them. This happened a lot.

IR Pollution - The high ND filtration needed for the daytime shooting could result in IR pollution. Thankfully, the Alexa Mini’s built in filters were designed for this, but became a concern during the sand dune scenes.

Noise - Inherently, this method creates a lot of noise. It looked perfect for us because we wanted a filmic grain, but could be troublesome for other filmmakers. The color of the noise was noticeable, so my colorist Nicole and I desaturated our shadows to try and eliminate the color from the noise

S16 Mode - The Alexa Mini offers S16 mode, which crops the sensor to be S16 size. However, this made the noise BIG in the frame because the pixel elements were bigger in comparison to the normal 4k sensor.

I want to thank Zak Stonemover, Kelly Mis, Sara Clouse, Mike Stanislawski, Gabriel Mays, Jayson Crothers, Tai-lynia Jones, The Egyptian Theatre in Coo’s Bay, and AbelCine for helping me develop this look in prep and proceed with the testing.

I can’t wait to share the final results with the world! Stay tuned!

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