there’s this rush and this pressure, sometimes, for huge, mind-blowing numbers on ao3. thousands of kudos and comments and ppl obsessing over ratios, but like - there’s something so incredibly wonderful about, idk, even ten kudos. ten? you mean ten people, TEN total strangers, found something I wrote and clicked on it and read it and liked it? ten comments: you mean ten people took the time to tell me what they thought about my work, took the time and energy to write about MY WORK in their little comment bubble? ten people?? fifty?? one hundred???
but even just one - if one single person took the time out of their day to tell me how much they appreciate the little bit of my soul I just put out into the world - idk, it just means everything, doesn’t it?
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it shouldn’t be glossed over just how empathetic Joel is. he expressed empathy towards Ellie given her dire case of being a child within the confines of a cruel, unforgiving-apocalyptic world that supplants what should have been a habitual childhood for her. he offered an apology for scolding Henry and calling him a rat without initially reconciling the benign intentions behind his actions. he pleaded for the elderly sniper on the outskirts of kansas city to put down the rifle so he didn’t have to kill him. it all accentuates just how against his nature he must be to survive in this world. he can’t always spare people, he can’t always shed sympathy. but he wishes he could, and even on occasion tries. it’s the very context he once stooped to the level of the hunters in his past that makes this point pang all the more. he isn’t apathetic. he isn’t exclusively selfish. he isn’t rigid. he is open-ended. Joel is more than a hammer that sees all problems as a nail to be forcefully struck without finesse. He values compassion and preserving life, and any ultimatum that cements the opposite only elicits a last resort of violence and numbness. the silver lining is more desirable than conforming to cruelty
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Ellie is 14 years old. And while she's, in some ways, mature for her age, she should not be asked to sacrifice herself for the whole world. "She should have been given a choice and we all know she would have been fine with dying if that meant there is a cure." Absolutely not. You do not ask a 14 year old to make a choice like that. Hell, I'd argue that it's not even a choice. The fact that it's adults that would tell her that makes it even more messed up. These cool adults who are out there trying to save people tells you that you are special, that you're the key to save humanity. Of course you're going to listen to them. Especially if you've gone through the things Ellie's been through. If she as an adult wants to make that decision, sure. But not when she's a scared, vulnerable child.
Should Joel have told her that he killed all of them to save her? Probably. Then he could have explained that she's valuable, not because she's possibly the key to a cure. But because she's a human being that has feelings, that deserves to live. And you could argue as much as you want that she's old enough or mature enough to make that choice. But I don't agree. Yes, she seems to be like that, we see her being snarky and tough but the more Joel shows that he cares about her, the more she lets that mask slip. And she acts like a child would act with their parents.
If her only goal was to reach the fireflies so that she could give herself to them to do whatever with her so that they could find a cure. She wouldn't have been so angry/upset that Joel didn't want to take her, why would it matter who took her there? Because Joel cares about her, and having him let her go hurt her. She could have left Joel to die and gone to find Tommy so that he could take her, like Joel asked her to do. But she didn't because she cares about him. The way she clings to Joel when he finds her and he calls her baby girl should tell you that she isn't ready to make a decision on whether she should sacrifice herself or not. SHE IS A CHILD. And Joel allows her to be a child.
I honestly have no problem with him killing them all to save her. "He took the choice from her!" What choice? They didn't give her a choice, they didn't tell her what would happen to her. And do you really think that they would ever give her a choice. If she'd said no, do you actually believe that they would go "Ah, well. Nothing we can do then, off you go with your new dad. Bye!" Don't make me laugh. They would have just done what they did now. Sedate her and begun to harvest her for what they needed. That's not a choice. She NEVER had a choice, Joel didn't take the choice from her because it was never there. It would have been an illusion of choice. She's also traumatised, most recently from her run in with David. And you want her to make a literal life or death choice?? I completely understand why Joel decided to go on a killing spree, he's protecting a vulnerable traumatised CHILD from people who doesn't care about her, who just wants to use her body for spare parts.
It's not about choice or not having a choice, it's about being valued as a person and not having your life taken away from you by vultures.
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Firefly Wedding is so…
It’s so
It’s them. It’s "It’s just a firefly, they’re meant to die soon. Why should I care about the sick, or the poor?"
It’s "I was purposely trying to scare you and push you away to see how far you were willing to go with your act, how desperate you were to play with my feelings as if I was a fool, but it didn’t work."
It’s "I know you’re just using me but now I care. Please keep using me. I need you to need me."
It’s choosing to give her her freedom anyways. Because your love is no longer all about you, no longer selfish. Because this love isn’t just a shallow balm to soothe your complexes anymore.
It’s being betrayed, finally facing the lies and no longer pretending you both don’t know that this is a farce, but desperately wanting to keep it going anyways. It’s "I should hate you now. Why don’t I? Hey, tell me we’ll go through with the plan, tell me you’ll marry me after all. Otherwise, why am I still here? Why don’t I want to leave? You act like you don’t need me but I still need you."
Like that’s so revolutionary for a yandere story. The self-delusion is strong, denial that things have changed despite it being impossible to truly believe, BUT HE STAYS. It’s no longer selfish 😭😭
"I don’t care about you anymore, I won’t help you. Get yourself killed for all I care." <- Jumps to her rescue 3 milliseconds later when she almost falls down a ladder/roof. It happens twice. The ‘lying and trying to emotionally distance yourself from something to protect yourself and not get hurt’ defense mechanism is blatant and it’s failing really bad.
It’s "My sense of duty and goals to have accomplished something useful in my short life are making me do this, but I do want you to stay with me." The yandere stuff here gets turned on its head because what he says is empty where it matters and meaningful where it matters. It’s knowing that if Satoko asks him not to kill anyone he won’t, but knowing that he won’t give up on her no matter what, even if she’s unattainable, even if she’s sickly, even if she pushes him away like just before. It’s so thinly veiled for "I’m determined to see my goal through, but that’s not what I want. If you just so happen to take me away and I don’t try to run away hard enough then we can elope and be free. I want to have an excuse to leave with you. Please give up on marrying me. Please don’t. I want that, but I can’t."
It’s "If I didn’t burn brightly in my short firefly life, then what was the point?"
Except that burning brightly doesn’t have to mean making big achievements, or being useful to your family.
It can be living happily, living for the ones you love, fighting for them. It can be worth to risk it for things that actually matter to you.
It’s giving your heart to someone, figuratively and literally. To lend it to them even if it might get used or battered, for as long as it beats to use your body to protect them, even if you have to sacrifice yourself. A love that burns bright into a bonfire before they both turn to ashes. Unwise but wholehearted.
It’s despite even that, needing grandiose gestures to be able to trust that this is real. It’s needing external cues that prove it to feel safe in their love existing, other people to confirm that he’s not crazy, that this is happening and this is how they both feel. Their love has been fake, both being a warped love and being a lie, only being out of necessity or because the other was the only one willing to offer it to them, offering comfort, safety, support and care. And showing that they care is the most loving of all
It’s despite everything falling back into old habits that "Oh if she was miserably worried for me then that means she’s not indifferent to me! That’s good!" And then once again being taken aback by her, by her earnestness and by her will. Because oh, no, this goes deeper than that. She cares. It’s love.
It’s opening your heart up to love, and both being punished and rewarded for it.
But most of all it’s
And it being the most loving thing he’d ever heard
Firefly Wedding is so…
And yet it’s also
The complicated and hurtful nature of love and the joy and light it brings are two sides of the same coin, because that’s what inevitably happens when you care about something. But caring about a firefly isn’t a waste even however short lived it is, or how hard the loss will inevitably hit you. Isn’t their light just such a wonder to witness?
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