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becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys · 2 years

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The Adventures of Big Dog the Clown, 11th February 2022

I want you all to know that I’ve buried my inbox. I’ve buried it. I held funeral rites. I gave a speech, in Welsh and English. I sang songs. I gave a beautiful eulogy. It is dead. It is gone. It has been buried, but not in dirt - it has been buried under the weight of the 657 unread messages held within.

Anyway, WELCOME BACK TO THE CIRCUS! This is the longest update I’ve yet written, because I am busy and important and haven’t had chance AND YET the clown show has been trundling on in the meantime so the tricks have piled up, lads. As ever, don’t @ me if the dates aren’t 100% accurate, I am not a trained professional and also don’t care.

So! Where did we leave off! If you’re just catching up, the original saga is here, and the last update is here. Also, @welpnotagain made a primer here for anyone confused by all the names which I hope will help, although Tumblr is a broken and barren place for coding and working links and it suddenly won’t let me go there on this laptop so soz if that doesn’t work. And, here is an extremely brief description of the political parties, if you aren’t British and don’t know what a Tory is.

ON WITH THE SHOW!

Monday 31st Jan

Let’s begin with some fun whimsy! Remember the m a s s i v e lorry convoy at Dover thanks to Brexit? And how lorry drivers are being forced to wait like... 14 hours in their lorries? Which has obvious enormous welfare issues because food and toilet facilities don’t exist on lorries?

Chairman of the Select Committee on Transport, Huw Merriman MP, goes to Dover and steps in human poo.

MEANWHILE, the major milestone arrives - Sue Gray finally finishes her report, and regains her work-life balance, unlike me. This is a mixed bag, actually, because we had been waiting for it with baited breath after the Met Police refused to investigate so it was going to be the only actual investigation we got; but, then the Met changed their minds when it became clear that people were starting to view them as being about as powerful as one of those paper chains of people holding hands draped in front of a charging bull, and THEN they said Sue was only allowed to make “minimal reference” to stuff they were investigating. So the report is published and you can read it yourself! But it’s diluted, and now we’re waiting for the official legal investigation.

But it did still come with Consequences. Pippa Crerar, still doing the Lord’s work, announces that Sue Gray has revealed a “gathering” (lol) in BJ and Carrie’s Downing Street flat on Nov 13th 2020 is being investigated by police. And then Scotland Yard, who should probably put our Sue on the payroll at this point, reveal they’ve received more than 300 photos as part of Partygate. More than 300! What a party! Boris going to regret his cute idea of putting disposable cameras on the tables.

So, shit’s heating up! How does Big Dog respond?! How will he handle the reveals?? What will the leader of the country do to salvage his rapidly tarnishing reputation? Let’s check what he does in the House of Commons!

Boris accuses former lawyer Keir Starmer of letting notorious paedophile Jimmy Saville avoid justice.

This classy and dignified response is obviously an interesting tack to take, for multiple reasons; chief among them, of course, being the two pronged rejoinder that it was Margaret Thatcher, former Tory leader, who knighted Saville in spite of knowing about the paedophilia, but also, crucially one might say, that Keir Starmer had literally no power or say in the Jimmy Saville case and it therefore isn’t true. But ah, Big Dog has long been undaunted by concepts such as truth or integrity.

People are not happy though, Tumblrs.

Ian Blackford is so incensed by this and also... you know, everything else... that he actually accuses BJ of lying, which is bigger than it sounds because you are absolutely Not Allowed to accuse people of intentional lying in Parliament. The Speaker asks him if he wants to correct himself to say the PM is mistaken. “Nah,” says Blackford, “fucker lied,” and promptly gets thrown out. I presume if asked, his stance is “Lol worth it.”

Meanwhile, journalists are suddenly inundated with messages from multiple Number 10 staffers saying “We told him not to say the Jimmy Saville thing”, because it turns out that it wasn’t a panicky off-the-cuff remark. BJ thought of it as a zippy little zinger, suggested it to advisors, and every single one of them unilaterally told him it was a very bad idea. And then he did it anyway. “He doesn’t listen to advice,” said one insider, presumably through tears.

Over on Twitter, Nazir Afzal (former Chief Crown Prosecutor who worked with Keir Starmer) strongly refutes the Jimmy Saville thing, and confirms that Starmer had nothing to do with the decisions taken; on the contrary, he “supported in bringing 100s of child sex abusers to justice”. And thus begins a weird path in which, by referencing a far-right conspiracy in a bid to smear his opponent, Boris has now caused Keir to be painted as the singular enemy of paedophilia in this country, lionising him to the nation. This is a spectacular mis-fire and also very strange for everyone who understands that Keir Starmer is, in fact, A Bit Wet.

Anyway, between the Gray Report and the Starmer Smear, Tory MPs and ministers have a big emergency meeting in Portcullis House, described as ‘packed’. Liz Truss attends without a mask, and promptly tests positive for covid.

To round off, the Daily Mail (the only paper still blindly supporting Boris Johnson apparently, although they did support Hitler back in the day so not a shock) puts a picture of Keir Starmer having a beer through a window on their front page for the third time in the past two years, trying to get it to gain traction and take the heat off Boris. Because, you know. A man drinking a beer alone in a house is the same as a man having about six hundred orgies in his own flat during a pandemic. Obviously.

WHAT A DAY let’s move on!

Thursday 3rd February

Woo, look at that! We’ve jumped so many days! MAGIC, there’s a MAGICIAN in this circus, it’s not at all that I didn’t keep track properly because I was writing up a research report on badgers, don’t @ me.

The Secret Barrister (fantastic Twitter account, if you Want In to the politics fandom I recommend you follow them) tells us that the Met suppressing the Gray report is actually the first thing they’ve done right, possibly ever but certainly during this whole debacle. This is because the Report being published in detail could actually help the Tories corroborate their stories and make it easier for them to lie their way out of the whole thing when it comes to the police investigation. Unfortunately, because the Met is, y’know, a bunch of bumbling hypercorrupt slug-like fascists, everyone has assumed this is just the Met being the Met lol. So the dancing pigs continue.

Anyway WHO WANTS TO SEE HOW THE KEIR STARMER/JIMMY SAVILLE THING IS PLAYING

Elena Narozanski, Education Policy Specialist, resigns.

Martin Reynolds, principle private secretary to the PM (he sent out the BYOB invites), resigns.

Dan Rosenfield, chief of staff at Number 10, resigns.

Munira Mirza, Head of Policy, resigns.

Jack Doyle, director of comms, resigns.

OH THE HUMANITY

Five resignations! In one day! Munira Mirza is especially punishing because she’s an utter dickblistering mouldy turd who has proudly worked with BlowJo for 14 years, and she actually published her resignation letter for all to see.

Still. Never mind! Thursday was a bad day, but hopefully Friday will be better.

Friday 4th February

Sensing that things are Bad, and that the mass exodus of staff members as a direct result of his smear campaign is maybe something that needs halting, BJ holds meeting that he calls a “half-time pep talk”. Oh boy! It must have been so stirring and motivational! How did he do?

Well, here’s a literal quote from him: “As Rafiki in the Lion King says, ‘Change is good, and change is necessary even though it’s tough’.”

Lion King quotes, cool cool.

Then he goes to the press and claims the resignations were actually him firing people as a result of the Gray Report.

WHAAAAAAAATTTT

YEAH THAT’S RIGHT

WE HAVE MUNIRA MIRZA’S RESIGNATION LETTER, BUT NO, BORIS CLAIMS HE FIRED HER, TOTALLY BELIEVABLE, ALL GOOD

So how are senior Tories handling this? Well, let’s ask the Chancellor! Rishi Sunak, a man who is super careful at all times to never criticise the PM, distances himself from the Saville thing and directly tells journalists “Being honest, I wouldn’t have said it.”

Holy shit! What will he say when asked if BJ should apologise?

“That’s for the PM to decide,” says Sunak, proving that he didn’t grow a whole spine after all; more just two and a half vertebrae.

He then looks journalists in the eye and claims we’re only struggling with heating bills because it’s a colder winter than normal (it’s not) and we’ve used up more of our gas stores (the Tories shut down three quarters of the UK’s gas storage in 2017) so Sunak be Sunak-ing I guess.

Meanwhile, former Labour leader Ed Miliband calls Boris Johnson “a stain on our politics.” It’s such a fabulous quote, isn’t it? Don’t look up him saying it, though, Ed Miliband has the whiniest voice you’ve ever heard and it will definitely detract from the incredible savagery. But WHAT a line.

SO, remember how the BBC had found a definite 7 MPs who had sent a letter of no confidence in Boris? We just need 54, remember! Anyway now they reveal they are aware of 17. The numbers climb...

But, of course, this whole thing has been dragging on for a while, and is really starting to overspill into reveals of other scandals! This is exciting because everyone has been just hand waving awful Tory acts! Like that time Boris Johnson prioritised evacuating animals from Afghanistan over people! But now everyone is starting to care about things like Boris Johnson prioritising evacuating animals from Afghanistan over people! Let’s see what else has come up.

First, the government is forced to release private messages sent between Matt Hancock and Owen Paterson about Randox (the firm that Paterson worked for that won £600m+ in covid contracts). Sorry - I haven’t mentioned Owen Paterson before. He used to be Minister for the Environment and doesn’t believe in Climate Change. That’s not relevant here, but Provides Colour. You’re welcome.

Second, Private Eye publishes a story revealing that the government gave out £600m to private company Unispace Global Ltd for PPE from April-June 2020. That money is now just… missing. No PPE. No trace of where it went. This, by the way, is a Sunak Thing.

Thirdly, Boris is revealed to have flown to the north west of England in a private jet, and everyone is furious because Environment. Also Liz Truss was found to have done the same thing in Australia, so everyone now thinks this is a new Thing Tories Do.

Fourthly, Jacob Rees-Mogg claims the morning after pill is an abortion (not sure Jacob Rees-Mogg knows what century he’s in, he’s very confused).

Fifthly, UK Statistics Authority chair Sir David Norgrove rebukes BJ, Priti Patel and the Home Office for misusing crime figures by claiming offences have fallen when they actually increased.

And then SIXTHLY haha okay I love this one

Comedian John Finnemore posts quotes on Twitter from an article about Tony Blair in 2006, when the country was baying for his blood and he was refusing to go. The excerpts:

It is a wonderful and necessary fact of political biology that we never know when our time is up. Long after it is obvious to everyone that we are goners, we continue to believe in our “duty” to hang on, with cuticle-wrenching tenacity, to the perks and privileges of our posts.

We kid ourselves that we must stay because we would be “letting people down” or that there is a “job to be finished”. In reality, we are just terrified of the come-down.

No more outriders, no more adrenaline, no more do-or-die Dispatch Box jousts; no more staring soulfully into the camera, with the little red light on to tell him that he is now going live to every house in the country; no more feeling out pain, no more watching us watching him feel our pain.

Oh no, he thinks: he can’t face that loss. He can’t face that endocrinal cold turkey, and so he postpones...

All politicians are masters of procrastination, but there is no day they find easier or more natural to postpone than the day of their own resignation.

Stirring stuff, eh? Almost poignant. And you can really see why it’s being shared now, for all that it was actually about Tony Blair, except no, Tumblrs, no, you aren’t seeing why it’s being shared now, because the real reason is IT WAS BORIS JOHNSON WHO WROTE THOSE WORDS.

Quoth my husband on that day, sending me all this info: “Trying to find details about specific Tory scandals is like trying to eat a GBK burger.”

Seven Days Ago

Michael Fabricant in da house! That’s right, BlowJo’s stunt double is back to Help. He agrees that all those resignations - including Munira Mirza with her resignation letter - are actually BJ firing people and taking action to remedy the problems flagged up in the Gray report. It’s at this point, actually, you need to start asking yourself - when Boris started Operation Save Big Dog, because he didn’t understand that people were angry with him specifically, who exactly was he intending to fire to save his own skin? And if those people found out that they were considered expendable, would they hang about? And if they then all quit anyway, how likely would Big Dog be to claim it was intentional after all...?

Meanwhile, remember the plan to put the army in the Channel and send refugees back to France?

The Ministry Of Defence tell Priti Patel they will NOT be policing the Channel and sending refugees back to France when they take over crossings next month. So, uh. Sucks to be you, Priti.

And then CRERAR’S BACK and OH MY GOD okay okay

The Mirror reports that Sue Gray has handed to the police a picture of Boris “I was ambushed by a cake that didn’t exist for a mere 10 minutes before returning to work” Johnson holding a can of beer at his lockdown birthday party.

Beside him stands Rishi “I was not at the PM’s illegal birthday party because I am deeply unpopular and wasn’t invited” Sunak, holding a soft drink.

And the photo was taken by the official state photographer.

FUN FACT! That means it’s subject to freedom of information legislation, which means anyone can ask to see it and the request must legally be honoured. Perhaps you’d like to ask for your own copy?

Six Days Ago

I swear I am not making this up. Mohammed Amersi, major Tory donor, demands his £200K back because he wasn’t invited to all the illegal parties.

Rich people.

Nursingnotes.co.uk reports that the money wasted on unusable PPE would have been enough to double the salary of every NHS nurse, so the scandal dominoes yet continue to fall.

Then Rory Stewart, remember him? Fella who ran against Big Dog for Tory party leadership and left politics (but not spiritually). He pops back up again and dunks on Fabricant and his stupid “they didn’t resign, they were fired” claim.

Meanwhile, the Met are having a bad day. No one likes them anymore, and also, a watchdog has been conducting an investigation against them, unrelated to this particular circus. Today, the investigation concludes! And finds “a culture of disgraceful misogyny, discrimination and sex harassment.”

Ruh roh, Raggy.

And then, more clowns!

An unnamed cabinet minister (it is clearly Nadine Dorries let’s not piss about), FURIOUS at the lack of blind simpering sycophancy for the mighty Big Dog, accuses Rishi Sunak as being “on manoeuvres” for criticising the PM’s attack on Keir Starmer about Jimmy Saville. The unnamed cabinet member (you will never convince me it is not Nadine Dorries) calls on BJ to sack Sunak.

WHICH IS THE DUMBEST FUCKING SUGGESTION IMAGINABLE (IT IS CLEARLY NADINE DORRIES) because Sunak is literally the biggest contender for Boris Johnson’s role. He’s the favourite. It’s going to be him. If fired, he’d be ruthless, with nothing to lose. He could openly gun for the position. He would wipe the floor with Johnson. It would be a bloodbath. There would be a final party on the Ides of March, BYO knife. Sales of ear poison would soar. Red Wedding, Welsh-history-then-used-by-George-R-R-Martin style.

Then Nadine Dorries does the dumbest fucking interview anyone has ever seen that makes it look like she’s fucking Big Dog. (That is the link to the Michael Spicer coverage, who is of course an excellent journalist of true integrity, it’s a treat.)

And then she suggests new laws to prosecute streaming sites for airing programmes like the Jimmy Carr one in the most cynical attempts to cash in on unrelated outrage to make yourself look good I’ve ever seen.

Two round off, a seven year old girl (not Josephine, a new one called Isobel) asks BJ for an apology after her own birthday parties were cancelled. I feel you, Isobel. March baby, me. No birthdays for two years. Fuming.

Five Days Ago

Martin Lewis, the Money Saving Expert founder, reads Rishi Sunak to fuck over his proposed solution to the energy cost crisis, continuing the trend of Sunak not... quite... entirely getting away with all this.

Meanwhile, Lord Ashcroft is currently writing a book! And he reveals some extracts. For example:

A Downing Street aide turned down a major new role because they didn’t trust Carrie Antoinette. BJ’s response? Verbatim?

“Fuck Carrie.”

Apparently, he would regularly make excuses to avoid heading back to the flat he shares with her. He said to one colleague, “You don’t understand what it’s like upstairs.”

Which is interesting, isn’t it??? Because another story is resurrected that BJ went to a dinner party in a gentlemen’s club with journalists for the Telegraph and other right-wing papers in 2021 (he left COP26 to go to it! In a private jet! So serious about the environment!) where he willingly and without prompting told them all that he had “BUYER’S REMORSE” over Carrie and the new baby, and the bloodthirsty right wing journalists were embarrassed. When they ran the story in the New European, BJ tried to sue them.

Filed under: people I have no sympathy for whatsoever.

Four Days Ago

Remember Sunak and the energy cost crisis? It’s revealed that Britain’s two biggest energy companies make £4.5 million of profit per hour. Fun fact! That’s also how often a person in the UK dies of living in a cold home.

Dominic Grieve! Of all people! defends Keir Starmer over the Saville thing, and affirms he wasn’t responsible, AND that it’s a fascist conspiracy theory anyway, which is just INCREDIBLE.

And also timely, because then, Keir Starmer has to be rushed into a police car as a mob of protestors swarm him outside Parliament over the Saville thing. Piers Corbyn is among them! Jeremy Corbyn’s brother! Christ. What an experience. Man’s a lunatic.

Yvette Cooper joins in over the whole “Boris lies and claims the crime stats have fallen when they have literally risen thing” and demands the PM correct the record. Astonishingly, he does not.

And then remember the picture of Keir Starmer drinking a beer through a window? That the Daily Mail were desperately trying to turn into a Thing?

The Met Police reveal that they have determined that no laws were broken over the picture of Keir Starmer having a beer. Trololol. Swing and a miss, son.

Meanwhile! Remember how one of the resignations was Jack Doyle? Director of Communications?

We have a replacement! It’s Guto Harri, a man who has spent most of his time making an appalling tit of himself in Welsh politics so I am very excited to see the rest of the UK discover how a large potato could do a better job while also mispronouncing his name, probably, I foresee a lot of “Gooto” being said.

But also this happened:

Oh also Dominic Cummings called BoJo a clown. Bit rich.

Three Days Ago

Downing Street finally break their silence over the constant requests for a comment on the Saville thing. Excellent! It was a bald lie, and Keir Starmer has now been attacked by right wing nutjobs over it! Let’s see their official stance!

They will not be apologising for the Saville thing. “He has got other stuff to get on with today,” says the official spokesperson.

(The polls reveal, meanwhile, that 69% of the country believe that BJ is responsible for Starmer being harassed by right wing nutjobs over the Saville thing. Just looking at the opinions of 2019 Tory voters, 54% believe it. This has not gone over well as an assertion.)

But let’s see what other stuff Boris Johnson has to get on with today!

Well, now that we have the Gray Report, and Sue Gray can finally get back to her actual job and enjoying things like wine and sunsets and the laughter of babies again, obviously the Tories now solemnly understand that Changes Must Be Made. They fired/accepted the resignations of five people, of course. Totally intentional. Definitely planned. But what else? Surely there are some Big Name Resignations coming?

Step forward: the Cabinet Re-shuffle! Ministers get shunted about like a particularly determined juggler auditioning for a new circus, except the circus in question is the UK Government and the juggler is a clown, so there are only two balls and both get dropped and one turns out to be a custard pie which gives an audience member anaphylaxis and the children cry.

No one is actually sacked. Only two women get new roles, a move that even, of all fucking people, THE DAILY MAIL are pissed off by, triggering them to coin the term the “he-shuffle”, which is a really shit pun that took me half an hour to work out but JEEsus when even the Mail turns on you...

Fun fact! The new minister for housing is a landlord who once defeated a law to make homes “fit for human habitation”.

Even more fun fact! Jacob Rees-Mogg gets a demotion to Brexit Opportunities Minister that somehow gives him an extra £35K a year for less work. In the words of John Elledge, major UK journalist, it’s a bit like trying to keep a small child occupied, so you put them in charge of keeping the garden free of goblins or something.

The funnest fact! He may actually have a serious conflict of interest according to anti-corruption experts (he’s a major shareholder in a multi billion pound fund specialising in emerging markets.) Tories be Torying. Here’s a fun cartoon.

Two Days Ago

The Mirror reveals photo from the Number 10 Christmas quiz showing BJ with an open bottle of bubbly. Pippa Crerar, a one-woman government killing machine at this point, tweets it during PMQs, meaning Boris has zero time to prepare.

So he’s asked about it there and then by Labour MP Fabian Hamilton, who describes him in the photo as “surrounded by alcohol, food and people wearing tinsel”. Oh no! What a disaster! But it’s irrefutable! How could you get around this? It’s a photograph! The camera cannot lie!

Boris’ response: “It’s not true.”

IT’S A PHOTOGRAPH YOU UNGODLY SHITKNUCKLED BLIMP

Then the Education Secretary says pupils shouldn’t be allowed to criticise BJ in class, and tries to get some teachers fired for allowing it. This is because the teachers were doing a civics and politics exercise with year six pupils, where they teach them about British political systems and due process, and then tell them about current political events. They then got the children to write letters to the Prime Minister.

The children were not kind. The grown-ass Tories are Very Hurt about it. So, let’s end freedom of speech I guess.

And then, Scotland Yard announce that they are reviewing their previous assessment that the Christmas Quiz did not meet the threshold for an investigation (remember that? When they said they don’t investigate past crimes?)

The Met begin contacting over 50 Downing St party attendees, including Big Dog.

Yesterday

John Major returns to the public consciousness, like getting an abnormal result on a smear test.

Yes, I know, sorry to remind you all of John Major. But! He, too, is here for his pound of flesh! He tells the BBC that Borry J broke the law over the parties! No word on whether Nadine Dorries tried to demand his sacking too, she’s dumb enough to try.

Martin Lewis pops back up to stick the boot in again over Sunak’s stupid fuel bill loan scheme, because a YouGov poll shows most people want to opt out. It seems the golden touch is a little less golden, Chancellor?

Meanwhile, the Russian Foreign Secretary met with Liz Truss, a woman with all the talent and charisma of an old and faded hot water bottle who is the second favourite to take over from Boris Johnson. He described the meeting as “like talking to a deaf person”, by which I presume he means ‘intentionally not listening’, because the Deaf folks I’ve known have always been very attentive, I thought (except Amy Jenkins in Sixth Form who was quite honestly a massive dickhead, but that was unrelated to her hearing status. This is again not really relevant, but if you’re reading this, Amy, fuck you and give me my pencil sharpener back.)

BUT THEN THE BIG NEWS!!! :D :D :D

Remember that watchdog investigation into the Met that found it was a gross nest of misogyny and discrimination?

Cressida Dick tells the BBC she is “seething angry” about the findings of all the misogyny and that, and that she has no intention of quitting.

Immediately after, she meets with Sadiq Khan, mayor of London, who tells her he has no faith in her leadership.

Two hours post-interview, CRESSIDA DICK MYSTERIOUSLY RESIGNS!!!! :D :D :D

What the fuck did Sadiq say to her???

Anyway this is actually fantastic news. The sordid tale of why Cressida Dickhead belongs in jail being spat on by inmates and passersby alike would take a much longer post and this one is already 8.5 fucking metres, but if you’re feeling brave, here is a Twitter thread by Simon Edge that explains it. Warning: it’s extremely upsetting, and covers police corruption around the murder of a man of colour in good detail. But DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD, crack open the good cheese, lads.

Sadiq Khan publicly says he will now work closely with the Home Secretary to replace her with the aim of restoring trust. This is very funny because the Home Secretary is Priti Patel, who will be furious about this, and I dearly wish I could be a fly on the wall.

Then the leader of Lib Dems (it’s Ed Davey, it’s okay, no one knows who it is, you aren’t alone) says Boris should have no influence over Cressie D’s replacement. Well, it’s nice for the Lib Dems to get a line.

And then Nadine Dorries decides to do some politics! Now, back in 1981, Margaret Thatcher allowed Rupert Murdoch to buy The Times and the Sunday Times. Previously, monopoly regulators wouldn't have allowed it. She managed this with one compromise: legally, Murdoch wouldn't be allowed to interfere with the Times' editorial independence.

Yesterday, Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries removed this restriction. The Times is now free to do Murdoch propaganda just like the Sun does, and, crucially, to publish Boris support pieces. Nadine Has Helped!

Even Tories are furious about this, interestingly. Including Tory voters. They quite liked the Times, and it’s about to become swamp water.

Meanwhile, Hailsham South holds a by-election. The Tories lose another seat to the Lib Dems.

And then international experts say Britain is edging closer to a Flawed Democracy so that’s Super Fun.

Today

John Major is back, and calls for the gift of the head of Boris Johnson on a silver platter.

In fact, cannibalising his own party is not exactly a new move from Major, so no surprises here.

Then, a “senior ally” of the Prime Minister warns Scotland Yard to be “very certain” that he breached lockdown rules. “There is inevitably a degree of discretion here,” they tell the Times. “Do you want the Met deciding who the Prime Minister is? They have to be very certain [before issuing a fine].”

Cool cool! Message received, if you come at the king you’d best not miss, a totally normal and completely legal and acceptable thing to say to the police from the government, totally fine.

Fun times!

Meanwhile, let’s see how Jacob Rees-Mogg is getting on as Brexit Opportunities Minister.

He has asked people to tell him what possible benefits they can think of from Brexit, because he cannot think of any. Fantastic. What a politician.

We get a gift, from r/ukpolitics! A tracker, to see which Tory MPs have sent letters of No Confidence. Fun!

I write my notes for this update. They are five pages, and over one and a half thousand words. They are 42% as long as the Sue Gray report.

Pls buy me a Ko-fi, this took seven hours to write up and I'm a shadow of my former self.

#the adventures of Big Dog the Clown #politik #long post

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daemoninwhiteround2 · 3 years

Note

I’m sorry earth 3 au of Lex, Kon and Tim? Please do tell (if you want), I must know!! (Please let it be Kon x Tim with panicking parent Lex, please let it be Kon x Tim with panicking parent Lex….)

Whatever it is, I gotta know your thoughts!

Ah. Hmm. Soz, bud. It's not nearly that nice.

So, this universe isn't precisely canon E3, it's more just borrowing the alignment swap/mirror verse aspect of it. So Lex is still a scientist/person who funds largely illegal scientific research for the end goal of taking down Superman, only in this universe it's Ultraman and he's actually a threat.

Lex is still the face of Luthor Corp and so outsources the creation of a being capable of taking down a Kryptonian to Cadmus.

The Cadmus scientists create Kon, but they have to train him/stress test him/condition him so that he a) won't hurt humans and b) will be obedient and c) will take down Ultraman

And these people are morally dubious at best, and they've lost a lot and continue to lose so much to Ultraman and the Syndicate.

And they have this weapon. That looks just like Ultraman. Who they've conditioned to never hurt humans.

Who they feed, house, educate, train. Who they have complete power over. The Cadmus labs are Kon's entire world and they have all the power over him.

And power reveals, as they say.

Yeah, Kon doesn't have a fun time. A lot of the stress testing they do to him isn't done to see if he'll be able to stand up to Ultraman's attacks but just to hurt something that looks exactly like the being that's hurt them so much.

Then as a training mission the Syndicate's junior members destroy the Cadmus facilities, and although the scientists attempt to use Ultraboy to protect themselves, they've conditioned him to never hurt humans. And he can tell that Talon is a human.

So he does what he's been trained to and doesn't hurt humans and obeys what they tell him to do.

#Talon gets himself a mindlessly obedient pet with the powers of a god #poor Kon doesnt even think of himself as a person #he's just a weapon #dae talks #there's some extremely fucky stress relief that he's also used for as well #in Lex's defence he's unaware of this #Cadmus cooked the books so to speak #dc #batman #superman #earth 3 #Tim Drake #Conner Kent

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synthczoid · 2 years

Photo

( lucas bravo. appears 40 bc he can. he/him. male synthezoid. ) are you a HERO? something tells me that you’ll fight for what’s right without thinking twice, warm to the touch despite your vibranium structure and protective until your very last breath make you who you are, VISION. with the powers of SYNTHEZOID ABILITIES, you’re sure to have a selfless, know-it-all personality — and you definitely belong to UNAFFILIATED. were you listening to TO BUILD A HOME BY THE CINEMATIC ORCHESTRA FT. PATRICK WATSON on your way to the subway? it suits you. we can’t wait to see what you do next! ( lyndsey. 24. she/her. gmt. )

ok ok so ,, if this confuses u or fucks with ur head, message me because it took me days to figure this out lmfao

character name: vision !! he is introducing himself as victor shade to other people though age: appears 40 in human form - he’s a synthezoid who isn’t all that old though lbr JSDJFGIEHDJ faceclaim: lucas bravo voiceclaim: paul bettany skill set: synthezoid physiology, superhuman strength, durability, speed, agility, stamina and reflexes, flight, energy blasts, body manipulation, density manipulation... everything yall affiliations: the avengers ,, mostly family: he isn’t aware of any family as of right now !! though you’ve got daddy bruce, daddy tony, daddy ultron ... i could say daddy hank but nOPE zodiac: google says taurus so ,,,, taurus ig wiki link: he’s mostly mcu based (x)

was your character “blipped” out? if so, what did they return to and how is it affecting them? if not, who important to them was blipped out, and what has it felt like after those five years have passed? ( if your character is a dc muse: what were they doing when they passed through the portal? )

uhhhhhhh he was dead SO thats a YIKES !!

where are they living? are they living with anyone?

he’s honestly just arrived ,, he’s been looking for wanda for a few weeks now - so he hasn’t found a place to stay, really. he’s just been travelling between countries and searching !!

why is your character affiliated with who they’re affiliated with?

the avengers are his family .. its as simple as that. they’re the ones he practically idolised, helped him adapt and he watched their every move to see how they as humans interacted with the world and in turn, with each other. he protected them, they protected him .. he loves them all a lot, that’s for sure.

who are their major friends, allies, and foes?

major friends are the avengers, allies are anyone good tbh ,, foes? self-explanatory.

whose hands do they believe the country should be in?

his whole philosophy really revolves around protecting lives. life is precious to him — it’s something he has always believed in. and that’s before dying twice. his job was to protect people, save people... defend. anyone who can protect life should absolutely be leading the country but also taking responsibility for it.

what’s their current mental state at? their physical state?

honestly? he’s just been looking for wanda, trying to locate the other avengers and make sense of everything that happened. he woke up in a shield facility ( shhhh, white vision’s body was just a replica of vision !! not his actual body so this works !! ), and immediately set off to wakanda to make sense of everything. he died there. twice. so naturally that was the best place to start. he’s definitely confused more than anything and LOOKING FOR ANSWERS !!!!

okay ,, i got a few lil headcanons to drop here :))

he definitely has a scar where the mind stone was RIPPED from his skull ,,, twice :)

while he was in wakanda, miss shuri ( soz if we get a shuri i will run this past them or scrap it !! ) made him something similar to the mind stone ,, kinda like white vision’s lil blue stone

it has similar powers too so thats fun - mostly bc im lazy and dont want to think rn

he walks around more as human vision rather than vision-vision ,, honestly? over the years, he understood humans more and more and he definitely feels more human than synthezoid tbh !! he’s learned to love, learned how to function like one of them so ya

still doesn’t change the fact he never will be human even if he wants to be womp womp

but he did cry so ,,,,, WHO KNOWS YALL THIS WHOLE VISION MCU CONFUSES ME SM

but since he basically came back to life ,, he doesn’t remember/know anything about westview ,,, has no idea about that mess and anything else that basically happened after iw

so he has no idea about everyone who died during endgame so that’ll be some fun threads of him finding that out - he’s been too busy so hasn’t done any research. his main question was if the whole thanos thing was over and once he found out that the avengers saved the world, he set off to find wanda :)

he's still as selfless as ever ,, he'd still let the woman he loves destroy him if it meant saving millions and millions of people all over again lol he doesn’t have to think twice about that

so he’s still such a pure soul !!

but also he was without wanda for a few weeks once he was basically resurrected again ,,, maybe he imagined his own family ,,,, maybe viv and vin are somewhere ,,,,,,,,,

he will definitely want to be affiliated with an org once he’s caught up with everything too,, for obvious reasons i think

#daddy's home !!!!!!!!!!#me throughout this: TWICE :)#well.. three times if he knew about hex vision #reshielded:intro #bio #( * | a memory made real !! ╱ * vision musings .#( * | the vision . character study !! ╱ .#pinned.#i'll add more to this tomorrow/the weekend #ya girl is TIRED #meaning i also didnt read over this soz for any dumb mistakes

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whumpiary · 3 years

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I really want to get into your Cass stories but I'm having trouble picking the best place to start. Do you have suggestions?-@outofangband

@outofangband

Oof this is a tough one because I haven’t fully figured this out myself, yet. There’s an internal plot in my head (which in reality I have only written scraps of) that makes it hard for me to recommend a good shape. But here are a couple ways of going about it:

You can start (more or less) chronologically. The Bergen Estate is more or less where Cass’ story begins. It heavily features his first whumper, Christopher, and is mostly plotless because I’ve just... never gotten around to the plot points lmao. It’s all whump and complex trauma response. From there work your way down the masterlist!

You can start where I started. I started writing this story from The Present Timeline arc and then worked my way out. Pros, it dumps you smack bang in the middle of the story and gets you invested in Cass and Josiah and it has the closest shape of a “plot” than any of the others. Cons, it’s the section of story I update the least regularly and it stokes a LOT of questions that I have never fully gotten around to answering (soz everyone 😌). From there, you can jump to The Facility to find out how Josiah and Cass met and what their lives were like before they met, and then jump up to The Bergen Estate to meet Christopher and find out more on Cassius.

You can start with the tropes you like the best. I’ve just added little summary descriptions to each sections of the masterlist outlining some of the major vibes that go through each arc so you can have a squiz at those and see what appeals! For you specifically, based on what you’ve said in previous asks, I’d recommend Bergen Estate. It mostly focuses on explorations of sexual and emotional abuse and the complex things that may come alongside it.

#answered #about mine #what I wouldn’t giVE for a functional way of presenting this story

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admdmrtn · 3 years

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DO ALL THE QUESTIONS FOR INGRID PLEASE THANKS 🤩

PLEASEKJSDHFLKAJSDHF the way i wanted to write a short fic for her before the list comes out and i didn’t LMAO but that’s okay teehee maybe One Day i’ll do up her profile and that fic :-)

so anyway ingrid’s full name is ingrid giulia vo, and she’s my oc for farah! i say oc because originally, she’s not supposed to be a detective - not at first anyway! instead, she’s only just turned 21 (i need her young and reckless but not too young obv bc we don't condone minor/adult ships in this household), of vietnamese descent, still struggling in uni as a business major (secretly wants to switch into an arts course bc that’s what she likes to do in her free time), has a pet gray parrot named simon (who also likes to say “simon says ___”) and is involved with some shady family operations even though she really, really doesn’t want to

under the cut is a little rundown on her backstory but it’s loosely made up on the canon provided through twc so KJHDSFKHSDF soz if some parts sound like bull

her first meeting with farah (or UB for that matter) is not exactly a pretty one (because i’m not me if i don’t think of an angst plot) and not only will that leave the two of them in quite the rocky standpoint, but it’ll also lead her to being on house arrest at the facility before being under edith’s watch at the station. it’s in between those two moments where she’ll find her art skills useful and pick up a thing or two from vieno on rune magic

i’ve been reading up on sera’s ask responses on witches and how humans can be born as one or can be turned as one too (or they can be all-round witch without any human in them) but since there’s no lore behind how one can be turned into a witch, i’m really just imagining that anyone can learn witchcraft and magic - and it’s easier for those who are attuned, which ingrid apparently is for some reason

in following edith’s guidance, and playing to her natural instincts to hunt suspects down (this is tied to her previous role in the family business) ingrid soon becomes a valuable asset to both the station and the agency, esp with her growing affinity with magic. she’s closest with nat who is the most forgiving after the whole accident, and works hard to amend her platonic relationship with farah first before they progress romantically as time goes by

overall, ingrid’s usually sarcastic, intimidatingly blunt and impulsive to no end, but she’s also someone who’s been forced to grow up too fast and is insecure about where her true talents lie so now that she’s finally out of her family’s shithole, she’s slowly learning how to be her own person instead of just following orders blindly

#detective ingrid vo #super detailed oc asks #mutual chrisha #ask alicia #the real reason why i made a whole oc instead of a new detective is because i want them all to exist seamlessly in one universe big Sigh

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shadowsblades · 4 years

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WHERE IN THE WORLD IS VALEERA SANGUINAR?

Although Valeera plays a substantial role in defeating Onyxia and restoring Varian to Stormwind’s throne, she seems to disappear almost completely from canon after that, briefly appearing in the Battle for the Undercity with Varian, Broll, and Jaina during Wrath of the Lich King, then not again until Legion. Her model appears in Stormwind during WotLK lamenting hostilities between the Alliance and the Horde distracting them from the Lich King, and Varian implies during Stormrage that Valeera has been at least around (though is currently MIA in that period). Obviously, Valeera did take up Varian’s offer to live in Stormwind with him and Anduin following the conclusion of the comic. She also seems to be occupying herself with activities Varian has no knowledge of, including carrying correspondence between Anduin, Perith, and Baine as is revealed in Before the Storm.

I can think of a few places throughout the lore than Valeera should have been if Blizzard actually cared about her and places she was in my canon. I should point out that Valeera’s presence at these events has very little if any impact on the way they transpire ------ it’s just me saying she was there, and potentially guiding interactions with other characters also present during those events that Valeera could have had contact with.

Wrath of the Lich King: There is no way Valeera spent this entire expansion just hanging out uselessly in Stormwind when she could have been fighting her “eternal enemy” in Northrend with Varian lmao. The comic seems to end at some point during WotLK (but the end of the comic is also super weird and not completely canon, making it even more confusing), so I’m not sure when she turned up or how, but she went and killed Scourge and froze her naked ass off because I say so.

The Shattering: There is also no way Valeera wouldn’t have gone with Varian and SI:7 to rescue Anduin from Moira in Ironforge js

Wolfheart: Valeera attends the Alliance summit on Darnassus between WotLK and Cataclysm with Varian and Anduin. Varian was being dickish throughout the entire ordeal and Valeera presents a further opportunity for him to antagonise the other Alliance leaders by rocking up late with a blood elf, and it makes sense that he would invite Valeera when he was also anticipating reuniting with Broll during the summit.

Valeera was probably in contact with Anduin during his time with Velen in the Exodar. Her letters were likely brief and not returned in a timely manner in comparison to Anduin’s because she’s Like That, but there’s no way they ghosted each other just because Varian’s an asshole.

Mists of Pandaria: Valeera facilities communication between the Alliance and the blood elves as the latter plan to rejoin the former, until it is sabotaged and the blood elves are purged from Dalaran by Jaina and Vereesa. She probably badgers the hell out of Varian to do something to the two of them for their crimes.

War Crimes: Valeera attends Garrosh’s trial. She does not travel to the temple in the same cart as Varian because she would have ripped Jaina and Vereesa new assholes and given everyone a major headache, and she sits with the other spectators rather than the racial leaders and other Important people, but she nonetheless camps with Varian and Anduin throughout the trial. She may or may not have managed to avoid Varian’s fury over Jaina and Anduin’s affiliation with Baine, depending on whether her own involvement is revealed. Before the Storm doesn’t make it clear when Valeera became involved except to say it had been years, but she was probably at least aware of it prior to War Crimes without disclosing what she knew to Varian (soz bro).

Valeera is likely with Varian and doing other stuff than what I have here, but I’m not familiar enough with Alliance side stuff outside of the books to comment on them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . I might come back and add more to this later, and I am open to suggestions!

#❛ the demon is writhing within me; fighting to emerge. ❜ ❪ headcanon ❫#i think i'm funny with that title djehfjkah #i wrote this half seriously and half not and i don't care to fix it

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silverwoodequestrain · 5 years

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Soz for not posting on here a lot, I been posting more on my FB page, account and equestrian communities but now Silverwood Equestrian is back on tumblr <3 <3 Here a sneak peak of our re-build of Silverwood Equestrian Facility #2 <3 <3 Coming soon

#roleplay #equestrian #SilverwoodEquestrian #horses #building #sims3 #barns #equestriancenter #sims3building

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ao3-feedshance · 6 years

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Atlantis

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2ECIScg

by eugyne (AreteNike)

All Lance expected to find, as a marine biologist, was a lot of fish, maybe a new kind of squid or something if he's lucky; instead he finds an underwater bioweapon development facility and his high school crush.

Written for the Aphelion fanfic zine!

Words: 10014, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Voltron: Legendary Defender

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Lance (Voltron), Shiro (Voltron), Sendak (Voltron), Coran (Voltron), Matt Holt

Relationships: Lance/Shiro (Voltron)

Additional Tags: Canon-Typical Violence, needles (very brief), near drowning/suffocation, mild body horror, i dont fucking remember what happens in this fic so im probs missing some tags soz

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/2ECIScg

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #voltron #vld #shance #shiro #lance

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dappledpetals-blog · 7 years

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Villain Izuku Midoryia- BNHA Meta

All right, so I finally caved in and started watching the series. I’m about halfway(?) through season 2 and I have no previous knowledge of the manga, so everything is from the anime lmao sorry.

As I was watching the series, I stumbled upon an AU that I really liked (a cookie if you guess it lmao)- An AU wherein Izuku does not become a hero a UA, but rather a villain. And I wanted to talk about that.

So, first of all, the setting of the series is that it’s like Earth, but some people have superpowers. The whole world’s hierarchy has shifted to accommodate these changes, placing a certain bias on people with ‘quirks’ and slightly against people who don’t. People who are quirkless are often seen as less powerful, mundane, more of a spectator or a watcher. They can’t do all of the things that people with quirks can do, and are often slightly looked down upon because of this.

Because of this bias, I feel like if we’re going to go with this au, Izuku would go with this much like in canon. He’s All Might’s biggest fan, wants to get a quirk, doesn’t have a quirk, and spends the rest of his life up until the series being relentlessly bullied by kids who do have quirks. Just like in canon, Izuku will go about his day, taking notes of various superheros and their various superpowers, being bullied by Katsuki- etc.

However, I feel like the pivotal point wherein Izuku’s path is decided- villain or hero, is when All Might saves him. He transforms back, Izuku learns his biggest secret, and then All Might tells him he can’t be a super. Imagine, your biggest hero telling you you can’t do it because you’re not special. You’re too ordinary, you can’t do it.

I feel like Izuku would struggle at first with these thoughts, trying to understand why this would happen. He’d try and convince himself that All Might didn’t understand- but he’d fail. He can’t come up with an excuse solid enough to try and rationalize what All Might said. He can’t be a hero.

But.. No one said he couldn’t be a villain.

All Might would be able to gather enough strength without Izuku trying to save Katsuki, so there’s that. Izuku would continue to feel this way until he decides to do something about it.

Now, here’s where I feel like it would differ from what a lot of other people do. In a lot of villain! Izuku head-canons I’ve seen, there’s a large amount where he’s given a kind of quirk- like fire manipulation, the ability to take other’s quirks, or stuff like that. I mean no offense to anyone who’s thought up an AU, but I feel like Izuku doesn’t need one.

Like, we’re talking about the boy who can think his way out of a situation. Who’s memorized every fact about every super, who knows his bullies’ fighting moves like the back of his hand. The boy who can match and even outmatch supers with nothing more than his ingenuity and resourcefulness. The boy doesn’t need a quirk! He can beat them up on his own!

Now, I feel like Izuku would less try and seek out the League Of Villains and more like..accidentally stumble into it. They’d accept him after a while because holy SHIT does this boy know supers, and he'd become like their planner. He knows supers and he knows people, so it’d be really easy for him to do. He’d still use Deku as a villain name, just to spite Katsuki.

From this it becomes speculation, but I feel like Izuku would still try and get into UA. I don’t think he’d get into Hero course (rip poor bad bean child, just wants people to respect him), but I feel like Marketing would be a really good job. He’d have a legitimate reason to scout out new quirks and people, a legitimate reason to jot them all down and take notes on them. I feel like it wouldn’t be just a really good job for him, but also for his nefarious, villain-like purposes.

No one would really notice the nice, green-haired, freckled boy in Marketing. No one would really think that someone that..ordinary would be a villain.

Izuku’s costume would be a lot like his original, only a hood and a mask because he’s like a kid and his mom didn’t make a cool suit for him. Bonus points if he got the mask from like some random costume shop lmao.

He’d stay (mostly) out of the fighting, probably sitting on some rooftop and helping out the rest of the villains from a comm set. He’ll just be parked up there with his notebooks and homework, binoculars as he jots down more notes as he helps the villains. Lmao I can see that rn.

It all comes to a head when the villains attack the off-campus facility. It’d happen pretty much like the original, but Izuku would be there, kind of observing from one of the taller structures of the place. He’d help them beat up Eraser Head but wouldn’t let Nomu kill him, because he’s still a bean child and doesn’t want anyone to necessarily die (Bonus points if the villains are only using him for his knowledge and totally plan to kill all the supers later and he just doesn’t know that rip).

At the end, the villains would escape and one of them would call out, “Deku!” And Izuku would just like answer and run away with them. Katsuki would recognize that name and be like, “wtf??”

After a few more confrontations with the villains (I dunno I haven’t finished watching the series don’t fucking judge me okay), I feel like the supers would finally figure out that someone’s feeding the villains information. They’d look around the tallest buildings until they found some random kid in a hoodie, parked up on the edge of the roof with a snack, a notebook, and a device in his ear as he spoke to the villains. (Bonus if it’s like Iida and Uru {I forgot the rest of her name soz})

They’d be like, “who the fuck are you why are you feeding the villains information?” And Izuku’d like freak, like spit out his food and scramble to get his mask on and hide behind a gravely voice. They’d wonder, “who the fuck is this kid?” And Izuku is inwardly dying because he never planned for them to confront each other and it just occurred to him that he’s a very small, weak child against two powerfully trained supers.

Iida would totally try and find out what his name is in very probing questions as they sort-of fight, and he’d be like, “My name is Deku!” They’d fight for a bit, cue Izuku outsmarting the two and using their quirks against them and then dramatically escaping, leaving nothing but one of his notebooks behind.

Cue all the supers reconciling back at the school and trying to figure it out until Iida slams the book down and is like, “will this help?” Katsuki would totally recognize the book because he’s spent so long teasing Izuku about it. Maybe he reveals it to the class, maybe not? I dunno.

And that’s as far as my thought process goes so yeah lmao. Did you like it? Tell me, I’d love to hear your feedback! Don’t be shy to shoot me an ask or an instant message and I’ll get back as soon as I can!

-DappledPetals

#BNHA #Izuku Midoryia #katsuki bakugou #iida tenya #ururaka ochako #All might #BNHA Meta #Dappledtalks #Villain!Izuku #Villain!Deku #Evil!Izuku #Evil!Deku

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doyouthatknow · 5 years

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What is ExoSkeleton ?

Exoskeleton skeletal system is designed to increase proficiency and Nov that we have and is a general term for technologies that increase human endurance in every sense. Today, Space Exploration Technologies exo skeleton from military technology, medical treatment, workers in the industrial area extending from a very wide range of support equipment to be used and continues to be developed. Leading U.S. technology companies that are suffering, especially for electronics and automotive industry already has become a major competitive factor. The ExoSkeleton Of The History Of Technology

ExoSkeleton

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Exo-Skeletal Technology Future A super human exo skeleton or as a project from DARPA to the present day numerous technology companies continues to be an area on the running clothes today. The success of these new devices and abilities is regarded as a source of great hope for humanity while in some circles " that considers humans to be invaded by robots the first step to be fast and amazing achievements. 20 hour battery life with the Japanese company Cyberdyne, the neural commands that are sent by brain directly with running has developed into a suite of. Need exo skeleton developed by DARPA in the field of technologies by other companies designs projects as well as an office printer from almost quieter running. Named the Raytheon XOS 2 exo skeleton design Sarcos DARPA is equipped with GPS at the same time as, the soldiers give information about the location. Soz 2 Nov instant the soldiers with the help of sensors that are integrated into the nervous system and blood pressure, vital information can also be displayed such as the frequency of breathing. Designs Exoskeleton war is extremely beneficial civilian purposes in time of peace, when designed in accordance with the capacity for strong opportunities.Designed by Berkeley Bionics e-leg system and the spine of people who have persistent problems with neuromuscular diseases, enabling them to perform daily life activities smoothly. To continue development work in this area, especially in the lives of individuals with disabilities has provided great convenience already. Again, the Ekso Bionics Robot developed by the brand called Hyundai tech is a great innovation in the field of industrial automation systems claim to give. This is also possible to prevent occupational accidents of the workers who fucked with EXO technology, the performance is expected. Exo-Skeletal Technology Future

Exo-Skeletal Technology Future For the moment, technologies exo skeleton is still in the development stage, also will take the place of these technologies in the near future, it is obvious that in all areas of life. This technology currently stands as the biggest obstacle to production and development costs. On the forehead with the expansion of 3D printer technology, this high cost, it is stated that the barriers would be overcome. https://www.orak11.com/index.php/types-of-simple-machines/ Read the full article

#exoskeleton #exoskeletondefine #exoskeletondefinition #exoskeletonhand #exoskeletoninsects #exoskeletonrobot #exoskeletonsuit #whatisexoskeleton

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atalldrinkofwater · 5 years

Text

101 Thoughts

You will soon notice that there’s much fewer than 101 of these, but it’s growing. There will be a special illustrated *eBook released at completion.

chicken chips (/ crisps for the Poms out there) don’t taste like any piece of cooked chicken I’ve ever eaten.

are dogs talking about their food?

potential pupper conversation between two doggos in the same street.

Graham: bark, bark. (anyone out there?) Fido: woof, woof! (yeah. that you Grae?) Graham: bark, bark, bark. (yep. just got a bowl of chum) Fido: yap. bark. yap. (you prick. I bet I’ll get dry food) Graham: bark. howl. (suck shit. LOL)

*fifteen minutes later*

Fido: yap, yap, yap. (yep, pedigree pal dry) Graham: howl, bark. (LOL. I just got a smackos. soz)

we know they’re communicating. and they love food. it is very possible. (it’s the only thing I want to verbally communicate to humans about).

between the hours of 6:30pm and 8:00pm every vehicle on the road is food transportation.

ie: - UberEats, deliveroo, menulog drivers / riders. (large proportion). - unhealthy person driving to fish and chip shop. - healthier person driving to get noodles. - parent driving to pick up take away phone order with child in passenger seat ready to run in and collect / pay. - parent driving to pick up groceries. - commuter still on way home swinging in to grab something.

learning a language is a waste of time and energy.

there’s already ear bud-esque devices that can translate to your ear in real time. the technology will only get cheaper.

this could be good. no confusion over what foreigners are saying in the news, or on television. particularly as race relations seem to be stretched in times of terrorism, etc.

wouldn’t you like conflict riddled middle easterners be able to hear your support for them, and not just media driven propaganda? it would be nice to hear their views, and not just VO or captions from the agenda setting news providers.

get into the drone industry.

seems like fun. plus, it’s still in its infancy.

outside the aesthetic uses for film, tv, TVC production, there’s any number of uses for them that aren’t yet understood.

I heard of a guy who’s making a packet flying his drone over energy facilities, doing inspections on plant and power stations , that previously had to be done by an individual in a harness or on scaffolding at a major cost (insurance and otherwise) to the companies.

even the Manchester City coach, Pep Guadiola, wants his assistants to learn how to fly drones so he can watch training from a different angle (the sky).

there’s got to be a big opportunity for the same in Australian Rules, NRL, etc. to name just a couple, seeing as blokes like David King get major stiffies over the terrible down the ground, behind the goals, vision they currently get.

it won’t be long before a wealthy family buys a spot for their son / daughter into a sporting franchise.

take the AFL or NRL for example. while big domestically, the money involved isn’t astronomical, and sponsorships for big brands are quite small. $2million bucks probably get’s you naming rights on the playing jumper.

so, if I’m a wealthy family and my child is semi-decent at the sport, it wouldn’t be out of the realms of possibility that I say, here’s $1,000,000 “sponsorship”, all you need to do is offer one of the spots on the list to my boy / girl.

when there’s forty-something spots on a list, it’s not that much for a club to give up, for a nice earner, and we know there’s plenty of spoilt kids out there.

ps. this kind of thing famously has happened in Formula 1 for decades.

*eBooks likely to be superseded by brain widgets at this eventual time.

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fanfics-await-you · 7 years

Text

Rules Are Meant to be Broken

Pairing: Cassian Andor x Reader

Prompt: this

Summary: You’re a hot-head and it’s Cassian’s job to keep you in check.

Tags: fluff, bit of angst

Notes: This is fluffy. I decided to pass on the cruelty I was going to commit in part 2. I’ll probs do it at another point as a standalone. Also, soz if there’s syntax errors; it’s past midnight and i’m sick :/

Word Count: 1,532

“We can’t just storm an Imperial facility, Y/N!”

“Why not?!”

“Because those are not our orders and you know it!”

“Your orders can go fuck ‘em selves for all I care.”

Cassian gives you a look that conveys enough that you can fill in his next comment. You just roll your eyes and shoulder your rifle; he mimics your actions.

“I know you have to keep up your ‘cool guy’ appearances because you’re ‘the Rebel’,” you find the air quotes he adds completely unnecessary, “but I do not and it’s my job to keep you in line.”

He ends this all by crossing his arms and regarding you like he’s won. You’ve been working with this guy for three months and he still doesn’t know how to deal with you properly. For fuck’s sake, he expects me to stand down or something when he’s looking at me with that shit-eating grin? Yeah, sorry to disappoint. You turn away as if you’re standing down as you check the status of your blasters; all are working and raring to go (brilliant). You take them from their holsters and turn back. Cassian knows that he’s messed up immediately.

“Y/N-“

“Catch me if you can!”

You burst into a full sprint and weave as he lunges at you. You let out something akin to a cackle as you hear him swearing fervently and at the subsequent pounding of his feet meeting dirt.

———

Not your best mission but by far not your worst.

Cassian is piloting next to you with a stony expression to match his determined silence. Occasionally he throws in a pointed stare for good measure but you are happy to ignore him. You don’t know why but blowing up fascists always puts you in a good mood, and you’re not going to let some stickler, pain-in-the-ass Captain get in the way of that.

“There’s gonna be consequences for this, you know.”

“Oh yeah, the Empire’s going to start hating us more. Like we haven’t done anything to annoy them up until this point.”

Only because you’re looking (and Cassian doesn’t think you are) do you notice the smile flicker across his face before he remembers his irritation. Idly, you notice he’s almost handsome when he’s not scowling.

“That’s not what I meant.”

You sigh, “I know, but it had to be done.”

“No it didn’t, there were no orders t-“

“No, it had to be done. Not because of orders but because sometimes you need to do things. If you can’t understand that then I really think we should stop working together.”

There is silence and you think you’ve pushed him too far. Cassian follows rules and orders and is basically the Rebellion’s wet dream; you are the opposite. You won’t be bossed around by anyone, but you can fight tooth and nail, and are very good at what you do (this is probably the only reason you’re kept around). They assigned you two as partners in the hopes that he would calm your ways. That plan so far had been less than successful.

“I understand that sentiment more than you think I do,” Cassian’s voice is muted, almost hesitant.

You look up and he is staring right back. His defences are gone for a moment and there is a grief that is very familiar to you hiding behind his eyes.

“I want to blow up every Imperial fighter and droid and building I can get my hands on as much as you but that’s not the way it works. If we all did that then the Rebellion would be dead within the year.”

You continue staring and silent for a moment before you nod. Yes, you understand and appreciate what he has said but no, that does not mean you will be following his advices. From the way he quickly cradles his head and sighs, you know he comprehends this.

———

“You’re telling me that you snuck an Imperial droid in here because you reckon you can reprogram it?”

…

“Yes!”

Cassian covers his eyes with one hand as you attempts to look as innocent as possible. This is a difficult task as you are covered in motor oil with the disassembled parts of an enemy droid at your feet. You and Cassian have been working together for eight months now and have gotten life down to a somewhat manageable science. The plan to civilise you has been all but abandoned as far as you’re aware. In fact, you think Command is starting to worry that you’re rubbing off on him, which is probably true. They won’t break up the team though because somehow, in the madness of polar personalities, you and Cassian have the highest mission success rate on base.

“How did you even get it in here? This is the residential district!”

“Well, I had to bribe Yo-“

“Never mind, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.”

“Cass, you were the one who was dumb enough to ask in the first place.”

“Ah yes, because I am in the wrong in this situation.”

These back-and-forth repartees have been know to continue endlessly if someone or something doesn’t intervene, so you speak bluntly, “Enough, Cass, are you snitching or not?”

He regards you for long enough to make your skin feel hot before he just closes the door to your chambers. You’re unsure what this is supposed to mean until he rolls up his sleeves.

He smirks at you and you know it’s going fine, “I’ll help you.”

“Why?”

“Because I’ve seen you program a unit before and after last time I’d like to make sure this one doesn’t try to kill me. Who knew a cleaning droid could be so violent?”

He ducks as the spanner flies towards him but there is a light feeling in the room that settles itself in your chest.

———

In the name of the Maker and everything Mighty, blaster wounds hurt like a bitch.

“You just had to go in, guns blazing, didn’t you?”

“You wouldn’t love me any other way, Cass.”

Cassian gives you a concerned look but continues to silently apply bacta patches. Your sentiment is light-hearted but causes your already tight throat to constrict. You had sworn to yourself that over your dead body you would tell Cassian your feelings but it seems that predicament was drawing closer with each breath. You decide you don’t want to go out with any regrets.

“Cassian look-“

“Stop right there. Don’t you ‘Cassian’ me. Don’t say it like goodbye.”

“We’re soldiers and we’ve seen wounds like this before. Goodbye is realistic.”

“This is not the time for you to start being logical, Y/N!”

His eyes are glistening and your heart breaks a little.

Cassian clears his voice and continues, “So don’t be. That’s my job. You’re supposed to be the one who comes out unharmed, no matter how unlikely.”

You smile a little, “I guess everyone’s luck runs out eventually.”

At this, he stops and takes your head in his hands. They leave blood trails on your cheeks but you don’t care.

You can’t help yourself, “I love you, Cass.”

You don’t have to clarify; he knows exactly what you mean. He leans back on his heels and yells into the air. There is an anguish in this complete release of emotion that causes tears to well in your eyes. When he runs out of air, he collapses and folds in on himself a little. His forehead meets your’s.

“You had to wait ’til now to tell me,” the smile that accompanies the words is watery and forced.

You nod some, grin, and let out a sob. In this chaos of water and blood, he leans forward and for what you feel like will be the first and last time, you kiss Cassian.

———

You are exhausted and the lights are shrouded in halos. The world is too loud, too bright, too much.

“Let me through!”

“Captain, she needs rest!”

Instantly your eyes are open and you’re smiling.

“But she’s awake?!”

“Yes bu-

“Then let go!”

You know that voice; too well, in fact. Cassian bursts through the door and an entourage of medical staff quickly follow suit. Seeing as you’re already awake and he’s made it through, the doctor stammers out threats of official reprimands but trickles out the door with the rest. Cassian is smiling and rushes towards you. He reaches forward to embrace you and you’re prepared to take the pain that will come but he suddenly remembers why you’re in hospital in the first place. He withdraws sheepishly and sits next to you, a huge grin still adorning his face. For lack of other options, you use your hand to touch his face, to reassure yourself that this is real, that he is here. When you have finished tracing the lines of his cheeks, Cassian takes your hand and places butterfly-soft kisses on your fingers. You feel light-headed, though you think this only has a little bit to do with the painkillers.

“So…”

You respond, “So…”

“I had an idea.”

“Yeah, Cass?”

“We should definitely continue what we were doing before.”

“Cass!”

#cassian andor #cassian andor x reader #cassian andor fanfiction #rogue one #rogue one fanfiction #star wars #star wars fanfiction #reader #my works

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