#extraordinary person i have ever met. the issue with human beings is that we are incredibly good at almost dying and keeping going. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

c-optimistic · 3 years

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Hallo! I greatly enjoy your writing, for everything really, and whenever you get the chance and some inspo hits, wouldya write somethin sweet and gay? Whatever you're feeling, I'm sure I'll enjoy it! Thank you v kindly and I hope you have a lovely evening/day!

Kara shifted in the chair, feeling a tiny bit uneasy. Her nurse—a young woman who introduced herself as Nia when Kara had been called from the waiting room—smiled kindly and paused her typing on the desktop situated on the study table in the examination room.

“First time getting your eyes checked?” she said knowingly, voicing the question though the answer was clear in Kara’s fidgeting hands and on Nia’s computer screen, proclaiming Kara to be a first-time patient. “You shouldn’t worry, Dr. Luthor is the best ophthalmologist in the business. She’s world renowned, not that she’d ever admit to it.” It seemed like that last part was more for Nia’s benefit than Kara’s, said in a slightly miffed mumble as she turned her attention back to the computer. “Any known allergies?”

Kara blinked, feeling a bit trapped. “Um, no, but—”

“—we don’t have any medications listed for you. Is that right? You’re not on any prescriptions?”

“Oh, no. I’m not. But I—”

“—I see you wear glasses. When was the last time you got a prescription? Did you want to get new frames, we can—” Finally Kara had enough. She reached out and grabbed Nia’s hand, causing her to fall silent. “This is weird. Is this a come on? Because you’re really pretty, but I don’t swing that way.”

“No, I—wait, what?” Kara released Nia, feeling as though she’d been burned. “No! Not a—not a come on, I would never—”

“Look, it’s okay. I didn’t think so, you seem...well, nice. But I have a lawyer friend who owes me a favor so...I can have you sued. Just so you know.” She narrowed her eyes in an attempt, unsuccessful unfortunately, to look intimidating. “So what is it? You look like I tried to drown your cat.”

“I shouldn’t be here,” Kara confessed, meeting Nia’s eyes steadily. The nurse blinked owlishly at her, clearly lost.

“I don’t follow,” she said, confirming what Kara already knew.

“Look, I’m going to trust you, okay? There’s nothing actually wrong with my eyes. Or my health in general. I’m in like perfect health. By human standards, maybe more than perfect. But I don’t want to sound arrogant or anything, you know?”

Nia’s head was cocked to one side as she studied Kara. “Sorry, I still don’t follow.”

“I’manalien,” Kara said in a rush, and judging from the way Nia’s eyes widened and her expression cleared, she understood Kara perfectly.

“Well that explains all...that,” she gestured wildly to Kara. “So what’s the issue? Dr. Luthor is super supportive of aliens. She’s one of the only doctors in National City to—”

“—I don’t need glasses!” Kara interrupted, not really needing to hear about Dr. Luthor. “Look, I’m only here because,” she paused, not sure if she was willing to give the long explanation of how her work mishap, the stupid excuse she’d mumbled out, and a well-meaning coworker’s insistence to help (with a voice in Kara’s head that sounded suspiciously like Alex reminding her to keep her secret identity secret when she tried to get out of the whole thing) led her here to this moment, “it doesn’t matter. I just need your help. Tell the doctor I don’t need to be seen, give me a fake prescription, and I can go on my way.”

Nia frowned, shaking her head. “Dr. Luthor would never buy it, and she has to sign the prescriptions. She’s very particular about it. You’re here, you may as well just...get your eyes checked?”

“My alien eyes that can shoot lasers and see through anything but lead? Those eyes?”

“That’s so cool,” Nia breathed out, but she was focused. She pulled a drawer open and pulled out to eye drops. “One is to numb, the other is to dilate.” She paused, eyeing the bottles then Kara. “Would you even need a numbing agent?”

Kara resisted the urge to tell Nia that her cousin once had a bullet to the eye and it just dropped to the ground, harmless to a Kryptonian. Instead, she leaned her head back, allowing Nia to apply the drops, reassuring her the whole time that she’d help with Dr. Luthor. She winked at Kara before slipping out of the exam room, leaving only a single dimmed light on, assuring her the “doctor would be in soon.”

Kara closed her eyes—which felt no different from before she’d gotten the eye drops—and leaned her head back. She couldn’t leave, she didn’t want to stay, and she was just about to declare this one of the worst days in the last year at best, when there was a knock at the door and it swung open.

And standing there, bathed in the bright light of the hallway, was the most beautiful woman Kara had ever seen, a grinning—and all too smug—Nia standing right behind her.

She had long dark hair, brilliantly green eyes, wore the tightest dress Kara had ever seen, with heels that she was sure were murder to walk in all day. The sleeves of her white coat were rolled up to her forearms, her bright red lips were curved into a breathtaking smile.

“Hi,” said the walking angel, “I’m Dr. Lena Luthor. Nia tells me you wanted to check your eye pressure and get a new prescription?”

Kara nodded numbly, struck dumb by Dr. Luthor’s easy grace.

Nia snickered, actually snickered, as she closed the door behind them, leaning against it as Lena pulled a chair in front of Kara and motioned for her to bring her face up to the tonometer. “Forehead against, yes, and chin on the rest down there...perfect,” Dr. Luthor said gently, her voice like honey. Kara couldn’t help it, her eyes followed Dr. Luthor’s, wanting to memorize the shade. She was so busy trying to decide whether it was an emerald or sea green, forgetting entirely her misgivings about being here in the first place, that she missed the first part of Nia’s attempt to ‘help.’

“—quite extraordinary, don’t you think?” Nia finished, causing Dr. Luthor to pull slightly away, cheeks tinged pink.

For the first time, Lena Luthor was something just below perfection, stumbling over her words a little as she responded. “Oh, yes, um. They are. Looking at eyes is my job, Ms. Danvers, but yours are—well, like Nia said, so unprofessionally, they’re quite extraordinary.” She leaned back in, looking a little interested. “In fact, they’re almost—”

“—your eyes are very green,” Kara blurted, both because she was thinking it with Dr. Luthor’s face so incredibly close and because she wasn’t sure if she wanted a world renowned ophthalmologist looking too carefully at her eyes, lest she see something, well, inhuman. “Do your patients ever mention that?”

“For sure, but you’re probably the first person Dr. Luthor wants to hear it from,” Nia said, which had the doctor in question turn around and flash her a dirty look, and had Kara spluttering.

“Your lawyer friend should sue you,” Kara managed before refocusing her attention on Dr. Luthor. “I’m really sorry about commenting on your eyes. That was rude. I said the quiet part out loud. Can the numbing agent for the eyes cause a loose tongue?”

It was the stupidest thing to say, Kara knew it as soon as the words escaped her, embarrassment heating her cheeks and the back of her neck as Nia choked on laughter and Dr. Luthor seemed, well, angelic.

“You know, Nia tells me you have very interesting eyes,” Dr. Luthor said, her tone and the stressing of ‘interesting’ making it very clear Nia had told her about the laser vision. “You don’t need a doctor.”

“I need a fake prescription.”

“I can write you a note instead,” the doctor offered, getting Kara to lean back in her chair and tugging the tonometer out of the way. “Would that work?”

“Could you say I can’t see with my old glasses and that’s why I ran into a table and knocked over a coworker’s favorite mug, not that I broke it by trying to heat their coffee with my laser vision?”

Dr. Luthor laughed, the sound like the jingling of bells. It was beautiful and was thoroughly distracting. “I think that’s a lot for a note. What about, you have vision issues I’ve never seen before?”

Kara thought about it for a moment, then nodded, sticking her hand out for the doctor who stared at it with a fond smile on her lips. “You’ve got a deal, Dr. Luthor,” she said, waiting for the angel to take her hand. After several seconds, during which Lena Luthor met and held Kara’s gaze, she reached out and took Kara’s hand, her index and middle finger sliding against the inside of Kara’s wrist. She opened her mouth—to say what, Kara wasn’t sure—when Nia cut in.

“In return for the note, Kara will take you to coffee. Oh look you shook on it! That’s an oral contract, my lawyer friend will sue you if you don’t go on that date.”

Kara blushed and glared at Nia, ready to let the doctor off the hook, but Dr. Luthor’s grip on her hand tightened. And when Kara’s eyes met Lena Luthor’s incredibly green ones, she noticed they were crinkled in a smile.

“When we go to coffee,” she said softly, “you have to call me Lena. All my dates do.”

#you're so nice anon thank you so much!#this is brought to you by a shitty week #and a trip to the eye doctor #during which I was very much inspired #apologies for all ophthalmology errors #and also apologies if it's like super unethical #it seems very unethical/inappropriate #anyway!#supercorp #fanfic

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caffeinatedseri · 3 years

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The Strength of Selfishness

Each character in BSD has a degree of selfishness or selflessness in themselves, but the way this concept is executed opens discussion on the nuance of “selfishness,” or specifically the flaws in believing selfishness is an inherently bad trait.

Atsushi

Atsushi fits the description of selflessness, but I’d argue that he’s actually more selfish than he thinks he is (keeping in mind that being selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing).

Akutagawa points out how Atsushi will needlessly risk his life in order to protect others, which sounds like a pretty heroic act, but it comes with a cost. Atsushi isn’t invincible, especially at this point in the story when he hasn’t fully mastered his ability, but his insistence on protecting others puts him in constant danger.

At the end of the day, Atsushi would have a greater chance of surviving many of the dangerous situations he puts himself into if he was more selfish by protecting himself before others.

However, Atsushi is also somewhat selfish in his motivations for acting so virtuously.

Once again, Akutagawa points out how Atsushi only acts this way because of his deeply rooted belief that he has to risk his life for someone else in order to give his life value. You could argue that Atsushi only saves others as an attempt to prove to himself that he’s worthy, an inherently selfish motive. If Atsushi actually died, he would be endangering the people he could save in the future.

Selfishness also includes self-centeredness. Particularly with Akutagawa, Atsushi’s tendency to focus solely on himself becomes especially noticeable. Atsushi constantly doubts himself and his strengths; he also ignores his privileges and the struggles of others, particularly when he can’t completely understand them — hence why he views Akutagawa so harshly but sees Kyouka and Lucy as people who need to be saved.

Despite all of this, Atsushi still creates a positive impact in other people’s lives. His innately selfish motivation is what drives him to protect others, and he ultimately succeeds in doing that (case in point Kyouka and Lucy again).

Akutagawa

Akutagawa is pretty similar to Atsushi in how his past led to his inevitably selfish motives, but his manifests in a different way.

Akutagawa has to be selfish to protect himself, due to a mix of his past prior to joining the mafia and Dazai’s teachings that collectively reinforced the belief that if he’s weak, he can’t survive.

This results in Akutagawa taking other people’s lives, a direct contrast to how Atsushi saves others, in order to prove his worth as a strong individual that deserves to live. However, this sentiment narrowly crosses the line of hypocrisy when Akutagawa does the very same thing that he criticized Atsushi for: looking for value in his life through other people.

Akutagawa also unnecessarily risks his life in order to prove his strength, which is arguably more dangerous and selfish than what Atsushi does.

When Akutagawa fights Hawthorne, he practically eggs on Hawthorne to kill him, or at the very least fight with the intent to kill. Akutagawa was also injured before entering this fight, so running away would’ve been all the more reasonable than continuing to fight.

Drawing another parallel to Atsushi, Akutagawa has that very same resolve of risking his life unnecessarily to prove his worth.

It’s undeniable that Akutagawa has killed many people — which is arguably extremely selfish — and loss of life really isn’t something that I want to push as morally correct. However, I would like to push the idea of redemption: finding a way to escape this messy lifestyle. I sincerely doubt that the incessant cycle of killing is any good for Akutagawa, or that it’s the life that he wants to have.

With Atsushi and Akutagawa, both of their character arcs will develop accordingly to this balance of selfishness and selflessness.

Ranpo

Ranpo is characterized in a slightly selfish way, but this mindset comes with good reason (relating to Ranpo’s past).

When Atsushi was kidnapped, Ranpo places priority on protecting the agency. If he were to meddle with Atsushi’s problem, which was technically a personal issue, then the agency as an organization would be put at risk. This isn’t necessarily a “wrong” mindset, but it is self-centered.

Of course, this is one of many examples to showcase Ranpo’s arrogance, but his arrogance is actually a form of self-protection.

“So his father knew, after all. He understood that Ranpo possessed an extraordinary gift. He knew his son had the special ability to observe, remember, and uncover the truth in the blink of an eye. That was why he sealed it away. He didn’t want Ranpo to go astray, to ever hurt others and make the world his enemy. His father wanted Ranpo to learn virtue and what’s right just like any ordinary person until he had grown up with good judgment and knowledge.” — LN 3, “The Untold Origins of the Detective Agency”

Before Ranpo met Fukuzawa, he was just a young, lost boy who didn’t recognize his extraordinary talents. His parents taught him to be modest to allow him to develop as a normal person, but he never truly understood who he was in comparison to other people because he was orphaned at a young age.

Thus, Ranpo had to embrace his superiority, in an albeit dramatic way, in order to accept the world and himself. If he believed that people weren’t as intelligent as him, then he wouldn’t have to hate himself for feeling like an outsider to a world he doesn’t understand.

Similarly to Akutagawa, Ranpo’s selfishness isn’t born out of hatred or negligence for others, it’s simply a survivalist instinct.

Dazai

Dazai’s case is a little trickier to define, but I feel that he’s changed a decent amount throughout the series. I’ve seen some people argue that Dazai only helps others because of Oda’s dying wish, which would make his motivations for doing so inherently selfish. This rings true for Dazai before becoming a part of the agency, but I’d say he’s changed a lot just from interacting with the other agency members.

Dazai’s shown to be capable of the selflessness that involves risking your life for others, but because he’s Dazai, he’s most likely never going to actually die (he has taken necessary precautions to make sure he doesn’t die like in Dead Apple). In this case, Dazai was willing to risk his life for intel from Fyodor, similar to how he got captured by the PM intentionally for intel on Atsushi.

What he says here is especially important: “Certainly, people are sinfully stupid. But what’s so wrong about that?” The Dazai that was once isolated from others, that lacked a sense of direction and purpose in life, has grown one step closer to finding that purpose.

It’s no secret that character to character relationships have a big impact on everyone in BSD, but it’s especially relevant for Dazai who’s growth comes from learning about human nature. He and Fyodor both share a level of super intelligence that ostracizes them from the rest of society, which consequently makes them incapable of understanding other people.

Dazai’s statement here just shows how he’s willing to look past people’s mistakes — yes, they may be sinful and/or stupid, but that’s just a part of human nature.

And in this case, he acts in a stupid way by risking his life for someone else. Yes, it may be stupid, but this selflessness is also a part of being human.

I’d also like to add that Dazai was somewhat selfish in leaving the PM so suddenly after Oda’s death. As an executive, he undoubtedly had some responsibilities to handle, and not to mention Chuuya who was dragged into the mafia because of him in the first place. However, leaving the mafia was ultimately better for his development, and you could argue that the PM is doing just fine with Mori remaining as the leader. Thus, Dazai is another example of how selfishness isn’t harmful in nature.

Mori

On the topic of Mori, he’s a character who outright acknowledges his selflessness as a necessity for the mafia’s advancement.

As I mentioned before, selflessness is a stereotypically heroic trait, but it’s flipped around in BSD. You see protagonists with greater selfish convictions than the antagonists, who live their life based on this idea of selflessness.

Of course, just because Mori is an antagonist, this doesn’t mean that selflessness is an innately “evil” trait. In fact, this selflessness is how he grows his organization and gains respect from his subordinates. Mori’s selflessness is used for the benefit of everyone else in the PM (ignoring the obvious crimes that the mafia commits of course).

Oda

Oda is often seen as the role model example for a “good man,” in the world of BSD — which is true to a certain extent. We certainly know how he was selfless in a multitude of scenarios, from saving the orphans at the Dragon’s Head Conflict, to his resolve to not kill anyone, and his push for Dazai to leave the mafia.

However, I’d like to discuss Oda’s selfishness. Oda was well-aware of Dazai’s issues during Dark Era, and he seemed like the only person who would understand Dazai at that level. Despite this, he still chose to die.

“(Dazai) is just a child who’s too smart. Just a crying child who’s been left alone in the darkness, a world of nothingness far emptier than the world we can see.”

— LN 2, “Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era”

Oda is an idealist first and foremost; when reality fails to match his ideals, it becomes unbearable for him to continue living on.

Oda was selfish in his conviction to die, because he knew he could’ve done more for Dazai, but he chose to leave him with a dying wish rather than staying with him to potentially fill that void of loneliness.

(I’d like to mention that Oda wasn’t wrong for his choice, because Dazai ended up on the right path in the end. It was simply an act of selfishness that ended for the better).

Kunikida

Kunikida is an idealist, much like Oda, but he also draws close to being a realist at certain moments.

Kunikida shares the same selfless resolve as Atsushi: to save everyone. His ideals seem unbreakable to the point where he would risk his life and succeed in the end no matter what, purely because he’s just that committed towards his goals.

This treads closely to Atsushi’s selfishness. In this case, for Kunikida, it’s somewhat a part of his self-fulfilling prophecy to make his ideals come true, but he acts selflessly because of these ideals that he believes in.

An important thing to note here is Fyodor’s grin, because Fyodor — as an idealist — is well aware of the fact that the greater the ideals, the loftier these ideals become in reality.

“By that very logic, then Miss Sasaki was not responsible for any of these recent events! She didn’t even want a world in which all criminals are rightly judged! She only— Tell me, Dazai! Was it right for her to die? Is this the ideal world I’ve sought for…”

— LN 1, “Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam”

At the end of the Azure Messenger Arc, Kunikida realizes the flaws in his ideals when he fails to uphold them. By trying to save both Rokuzou and Sasaki, he ended up losing the both of them. No matter how hard he tried to save them, there was no possible way for him to achieve the level of “justice” that he desired.

This teaches an incredibly valuable lesson to Kunikida that shifts his mindset towards a more selfish direction.

Kunikida’s experience leads him to teach Atsushi, another person strongly motivated by ideals, to not follow the same path as him. You could interpret this as a sign of Kunikida’s declining resolve, but I prefer to view it as another form of self-preservation.

Kunikida very well understands the pain that comes from not meeting his ideals, which could easily affect to Atsushi considering how difficult it would be to save Kyouka.

The scene in which Kunikida goes to save Atsushi parallels what Kunikida told him previously: “Your boat can only carry one person. If you let someone beyond salvation come aboard, you will only drown together.”

Notice how Kunikida is in a boat with plenty of space, but out of fear that his ideals won’t be upheld, he’ll lower them to an lesser standard. Instead of trying to save two people, he settles for one, despite the fact that he has the capacity for two.

This instance is a moment of selfishness from Kunikida, an act of self-preservation to prevent the inevitable pain that comes with unmet ideals.

However, Atsushi subverts his expectations by pushing himself to save Kyouka regardless of his sinking boat, because Atsushi’s own ideals motivate him to do so. Kunikida teaches Atsushi to be careful with the balance of selfishness and selflessness; Atsushi teaches Kunikida the beauty in being selfless.

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd meta #bsd atsushi #bsd akutagawa #bsd rampo #bsd dazai #bsd mori #bsd oda #bsd kunikida #idk what an idealist is tbh

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kemetic-dreams · 4 years

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A TRADITIONAL AFRICAN SHAMAN EXPLAINS WHY PILLS CAN NEVER CURE DEPRESSION OR PTSD

There is no way of knowing the full impact that depression, anxiety and PTSD have on our society and culture, but we do know that the prescribed solution of pharmaceuticals is not working to alleviate this problem.

The first antidepressant drug, an MOAI inhibitor, was developed in the 1950’s and originally used in the treatment of tuberculosis. In the 19080’s, the first SSRI inhibitor was developed, and today there are now 5 classes of antidepressants, which includes at least 32 different brand name drugs

More Americans than ever take antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, and according to a recent study, some 86% of people today will have met the criteria for at least two psychiatric diagnoses by the time they reach 45.

More drugs, more diagnoses, and more people dependent on doctors, pharmacies and pills. Something is not working.

Contrast this paradigm with traditional shamanism, in which shamans, working as healers, use plant medicines to diagnose the spiritual health of a person, and heal them permanently with ancient methods that still baffle modern science.

Of the shamanic plant medicines, iboga is particularly powerful at helping people to overcome PTSD, depression and anxiety. Its efficacy cannot be explained in scientific terms, which reduces chronic emotional and mental health issues down to brain chemistry, looking at the human being as a machine, then intervenes with chemicals.

This is categorically different than the work of shamanism, which generally views such mental health conditions as spiritual matters, and seeks to repair a person’s spirit from within.

Traditional African shaman Moughenda Mikala points out in a recent interview, pills simply cannot address the root causes of such problems.

“When we are talking about trauma, depression, and PTSD, they are not physical. Now days people need to think further… to understand that anything that is not physical is difficult… someone has to know where to look.” ~Moughenda Mikala, Bwiti Life

As a 10th generation Bwiti shaman working with an ancient plant medicine, Mikala uses traditional shamanic methods to assess and heal people on a spiritual level, which addresses the roots of mental health problems rather than attempting only to manage the symptoms of such disorders.

“The way I handle these issues, or with my guests coming to me, I don’t focus on the physical level, because trauma… mainly affects the mind, and that’s what we’re talking about, the mind being a spiritual issue. So, the way I address that, I will launch someone on a psycho-spiritual journey… and before the spycho-spiritual journey, I will launch them on a psycho-detox.”

Mikala is referring to ceremonies, in which participants ingest the alkaloid rich root bark of the iboga shrub, which triggers a body trance and sets off an inward psychological journey. The psycho-detox is very common with first-time Western participants, and typically causes the participant to enter a foggy, trance-like state for hours where they begin to see from within the workings of their mind, including thought patterns and belief systems.

The psycho-spiritual journey Mikala mentions is a second experience with iboga, in which after detoxifying the mind in a first ceremony, the participant typically is launched into a surreal journey into the subconscious mind and is able to clearly review one’s life and make a direct, impressionable connection to their own soul.

It is this experience which Mikala says heals the wounds that cause depression, anxiety and PTSD.

He notes:

“The psycho-detox is kind of addressing the mind, and to detox the mind that means we reach a level to empty all of this trauma… it could be stress or any other forced beliefs… the garbage. And then, we have to take that person back to the very first day when that trauma started. It’s what I call a life-review… you don’t just do that from the mind, you have to actually go there live to the first day where everything started. It could be a rape… and a lot of women are still suffering from it. And the problem is they’ve been running from the pain, the fear, the everything.” ~ Moughenda Mikala

Because the trauma that leads to PTSD and depression lives within the mind, potentially for one’s entire life, the images and memories of traumatic experiences, like combat, are revisited over and again by the mind.

Pharmaceutical pills only cover up these images, causing people to lose everything, including joy and possibly life itself.

“So healing someone from trauma, PTSD or depression, there’s only one way. That is the traditional way. We have the best way to heal the mind. No pills. Pills won’t heal any mind, I don’t care how many years you’re going to be taking those pills, they won’t heal you, because not a single pill will be able to take you to a spiritual trip where you meet your soul face-to-face and have a long conversation with it.” ~Moughenda Mikala

Mikala further explains that this experience helps people to recognize what it is that caused their trauma and allows them to look at it up close and accept it as part of their lives, and then move on.

Having personally experienced this, and personally knowing Moughenda, I can say that the experience of iboga, when conducted ceremonially with properly trained healers and facilitators, is exceptionally extraordinary and leaves a lasting impression which, over time, continues to positively influence mental and spiritual health.

About the Author

Dylan Charles is the editor of Waking Times and host of Battered Souls: A Podcast About Transformation, both dedicated to ideas of personal transformation, societal awakening, and planetary renewal. His personal journey is deeply inspired by shamanic plant medicines and the arts of Kung Fu, Qi Gong and Yoga. After seven years of living in Costa Rica, he now lives in the Blue Ridge Mountains, where he practices Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and enjoys spending time with family. He has written hundreds of articles, reaching and inspiring millions of people around the world.

This article (A Traditional African Shaman Explains Why Pills Can Never Cure Depression or PTSD) was originally created and published by Waking Times and is published here under a Creative Commons license with attribution to Dylan Charles and WakingTimes.com. It may be re-posted freely with proper attribution, author bio, and this copyright statement.

#moughenda #mikala #african spirituality #iboga #bwiti #ptsd #depression #african #shaman #african traditional religion #african traditional medicine #kemetic dreams #africa #congo #healers

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yurimother · 4 years

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LGBTQ Manga Review - Fragtime (Complete Series)

I recall reading the first few chapters of Fragtime on Manga Cross and not being very impressed. I did not care for it much, as, other than the time stopping element, it was mostly generic and had a few too many unsavory elements. I was content to let it rest and be forgotten along with a hundred other girl-meets-girl school Yuri romances until Tear Studio and the people behind the excellent Kase-san and Morning Glories OVA announced an anime adaptation of the work, a full five years after it ended. Inevitably an English adaptation of Sato’s original manga was announced, and so here I am, somewhat reluctantly reading and reviewing the two-volume series. It may sound like I am pessimistic or already had my mind made up, but that is not true. I went into Fragtime with as open a mind as possible, and I am happy to say that I did find several favorable aspects that appealed to me. Sadly, the manga mostly lived up to my poor initial impressions from all those years ago.

Fragtime follows timid high school student Moritani Misuzu, who can stop time for three minutes a day. While using her power, she attempts to look up the skirt of one of her classmates, Haruka Murakami. To her horror, Moritani discovered that Haruka is the one person immune to her ability. The two form an unlikely friendship and spend those few minutes when all others freeze together. As Moritani’s feelings for Haruka grow, her powers begin to fade, throwing their time together in jeopardy.

At first, this story appears to have some promise, along with some obvious issues. The supernatural aspect of Moritani’s powers and its connection to her emotions and relationship with Haruka provide excellent possibilities and avenues to explore the series’ romance and characters. Sadly, Sato delivers an unwieldy story with unlikeable and inconsistent subjects, a poorly paced narrative, and far too many sleazy moments to excuse. This last point is the most prominent of all and will be a turn off for many readers, myself very much included.

Moritani begins the story by “upskirting” one of her classmates. It is later revealed that she reveled in exploring the time-frozen school to pry into people’s most intimate moments, many of which frankly do not happen in schools nearly as much as the story would like to believe. Following this event are multiple scenes with characters flashing each other their panties, or else stripping to whatever the opposite of readers’ delight is. These moments are not sexy, and while a few of them appear to have been attempts at comedy, they will elicit few laughs. These factors create an overwhelming blanket of immature perversion that stifles any enjoyment in the audience and characters.

Another egregious element is a plotline where Haruka is continually sexually abused by her teacher, something used by her to manipulate Moritani, then joked about, and never resolved despite being referenced a good half-dozen times throughout the manga. More than anything, this speaks to Fragtime’s inability to treat its characters with any respect or focus on a plot arc and complete it satisfactorily. For indeed, even if one undergoes the arduous task of shrugging off the uncomfortable fanservice, there is not much noteworthy content left underneath.

Fragtime’s highschool Yuri romance plot is pretty unextraordinary. Even though it did attempt to include a few interesting plot points, like when Haruka and Moritani begin dating partway through the series, it is not awful, but too often, these plots are picked up and then never resolved properly, such as Moritani struggle to avoid the ping-pong club, and her discomfort after finding out about Haruka’s boyfriend. Yet, there were some positives along the way, sweet moments between characters or satisfying actions taken by them. It is just hard to find one uninterrupted by an unwelcome twist or panty flash. The one unconditional plus I will give is that I really liked the ending. There is a fantastic scene of role-reversal where the usually quiet Moritani confesses all the mischief to her and Haruka committed to the class and reveals the truth of their relationship and her feelings for Haruka. Afterward, a stunned Haruka is forced into a crisis of character and her true self is seemingly revealed. It is appropriately dramatic and delivers a fulfilling ending for the characters. Sadly, these revelations and character arcs are not supported by the rest of the story.

A manga like Fragtime lives or dies by its characters. Readers will sympathize with likable characters met with appropriate challenges and growth, or else they will laugh with endearing figures who try their best despite their flaws. Sadly, Fragtime’s Haruka is neither. Haruka is instantly dislikable, manipulating Moritani upon their first meeting, and does little to improve. She often jumps between ignoring Moritani and controlling her, demanding that she only use her powers at her command. These traits are never addressed, and the whole time readers are expected to accept that she is an unreachable beauty, and we should love her alongside Moritani. She is hopelessly inconsistent, apparently changing personalities and acquiring new traits at the drop of a hat so that Sato can shoehorn a new element of drama into the convoluted romance. The ultimate motivation behind her character, how she tries to please everyone and do what they want her to, is contrary to half her actions, and everything we have learned about her up to that point, making the reveal in the penultimate chapter, which is well-executed, feel forced.

Even through all the misery, convolution, and smut, there were, thankfully, some great moments sprinkled throughout Fragtime, mostly from Moritani. I loved seeing Moritani in the moments when she struggled with jealousy and accidentally stopped time, or else was uncertain about how Haruka would react when she confessed something to her. It was really human and relatable, and if only she were not going around looking up girls’ skirts, she would have been an excellent character. It also helps that her journey is also much more believable than Haruka’s, as Sato mostly keeps her story and development moving at a steady pace.

Moritani is much more consistent than Haruka. She starts the series as a timid and quiet girl, using her ability to run from confrontation or frankly, any form of human interaction. Once she meets Haruka and the solace of those frozen minutes is taken from her, she is understandably confused and traumatized. She even has a few moments of growth through the series, taking more confidence in herself as she plants a pair of panties (yup this again) on Haruka’s cheating boyfriend’s head. It is almost enough to sell her eventual ending and deliver a complete character.

Finally, we come to the art, which is good though not extraordinary. Characters have distinct designs and are consistent. Backgrounds and details are well managed, and nothing ever caught my eye as warped or out of place. However, there is not much that jumps out either for its quality. Sato uses very basic paneling, which is easy to read by also just slightly dull. The time-stopping elements were crying out for some sweeping panels of objects frozen mid-movement, but we never got any such content. In fact, there is no noticeable change in the art during those movements when time is stopped, other than Misuzu and Haruka acting like a pervert and exhibitionist respectively. If the writing did not specify when time was stopped or started, readers would have no idea.

Fragtime has an interesting concept but neither the grace nor charm to pull it off completely. The story is meandering and clumsily tries and fails to incorporate heavy topics and complex characterization into a generic Yuri school romance. The characters, particularly Haruka, are mostly unlikeable and wildly inconsistent, and readers have to force themselves to cheer for them or event finish this two-volume series. Most of all, Fragtime leaves an unpleasant and unsettling feeling with all its sleazy fanservice and perverted set pieces, clearly attempting to cater to specific audiences while utterly misunderstanding how teenage girls, or frankly, sane human beings, act. Any silver linings in its more relatable moments and competent presentation are whisked away by a mixture of contempt and disgust. Sadly, I do not recommend this manga, although I do appreciate that Seven Seas published the whole series in one omnibus volume so that it takes up less space on my bottom shelf.

Ratings: Story – 3 Characters – 4 Art – 6 LGBTQ – 2 Sexual Content – 7 Final – 3

Review copy provided by Seven Seas Entertainment

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#yuri #reviews #fragtime #anime #manga #lgbt #lgbtq #wlw #girls love #gl #gay #queer #romance #lesbian #lesbians #lgbtq+

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thepropertylovers · 3 years

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On Turning 30

In five days, I turn 30.

For some reason, that seems strange to type. I think I always had this idea in my head that 30 seemed so old, so boring, so…30. But now that it’s actually here (which, thank goodness I am still able to celebrate another year of life), I am welcoming it with open arms.

Though my life changed dramatically in my 20’s (I came out at 19 after meeting PJ, we got engaged, got married, bought my childhood home back, filmed a pilot for HGTV, became foster parents, travelled to different parts of the world, met amazing people, etc.), a few days before my birthday, I am finding myself excited to start a new decade of life; new chapter, of sorts, one that is promising to be just as exciting as the last.

I feel like your 20’s are messy. Fun, exciting, and adventurous, but messy. I spent my early 20’s trying to find myself while simultaneously thinking I knew exactly who I was. But I didn’t, did I? Does anyone really know themselves at that age? I mean even if you 100% think you do, there’s still so much discovery that happens during those 10 years that lead you into your 30’s that there’s no way to understand yourself, fully. At least, that’s my interpretation of it.

I am going into my 30’s with a much better understanding of who I am and who I’m not, who I’ll always be and who I’ll never be. I am going in with a better understanding of my marriage and of my husband, with more love than I think I’ve ever had for him and our union together. Our life has taken so many twists and turns in the last five years and I think we’re exactly where we’re meant to be, which, I feel incredibly grateful and thankful to say. I feel much gratitude to share a life with someone who challenges me to work harder and be a better person, who I (hopefully) inspire to be a better person, too.

All of that is not to say our marriage is perfect. It’s far from it, but I can confidently say we both work every day to choose each other forever, which can look like many different things: saying “I love you” before bed every night, saying “I’m sorry” even when it’s the last thing you want to do, listening and communicating with each other, taking the other’s feelings into account whenever you can. So again, it’s not perfect, but it’s ours. And I’m grateful.

I think some of my contentment and excitement to turn 30 also comes from being a parent, and being one with PJ. Experiencing parenthood with him has been a rollercoaster of emotions and many hard situations, but it’s also the greatest thing we’ve ever done. Our kiddos have changed our life in every way imaginable, a change I don’t think either of us could have accurately anticipated (who could, really?). I have learned more in the last two years about my abilities, my shortcomings, my strengths and weaknesses, and how far I can push myself, than I think I ever have. There’s nothing that tests you as a person, as a human being, quite like children. I only thought I knew who I was before them. What would we do without those three?

Though it didn’t always feel like this (trust me), my life feels good at this time. I almost feel guilty for saying that, because I know so many are suffering in unfathomable ways right now, but it’s how I feel currently. I have learned over the years that it’s okay to be happy, that your happiness is such a key factor in the success of your life, your relationships, your work. I’ve also learned that when you feel happiness, you should try to hold onto that as long as possible, and never take it for granted. I feel things so deeply (can you tell?) and have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I am choosing happiness and realizing that I have every right to be happy just as much as anybody does. I hope you realize that, too, friend.

A big part of my happiness right now, of both mine and PJ’s, is the land. As you know, because I’ve being writing about it nonstop lately, we’re both loving our time out here with the kiddos, experiencing nature with them and the animals, and planning for the future. The land and Holiday House give us so much inspiration and the possibilities of both spark a creativity in us that I think we haven’t felt in some time. We both wake up every day saying things like, “Well what if we did this and what if we planted these; what if we put this here and maybe we could get XYZ to put there.” It’s an exciting thing when something new like this comes along and completely consumes your life.

I’m not the smartest person or always the easiest to get along with; I’m not extremely outgoing and I can be lazy; even though I come across as easy-going, I can lose my temper at times; and at the end of the day, there’s nothing particularly extraordinary about me. But as I’m entering the next decade of my life, I’ve learned along the way that the world doesn’t need me or you to be extraordinary to be a good person.

The best we can all do is to wake up every day and do what we can to leave the world a little better than what we left it, and that can look like many different things: telling someone you love them, nurturing your body, protecting the earth, hugging your kids or your animals, making a cup of coffee for your husband, learning something new, talking and listening to people from different backgrounds and cultures than you, educating yourself on social issues; the cool thing about life is the list of ways to better ourselves and our planet is infinite.

I think my 30’s might be my favorite yet. I am hopeful, cautious, and optimistic about what this time in my life might bring me and my family. I know there will be incredibly difficult times and incredibly joyful times, and as I’m sitting here writing this and the rain is coming down outside and the kids and PJ are all in front of me doing their own things, I have an overwhelming sense that, together, there’s nothing the five of us can’t do.

I’m ready for you, 30. Let’s do this.

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animebw · 3 years

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Binge-Watching: Ore Monogatari, Episodes 1-3

And so we begin! In which I gush over one of my favorite genres, Takeo is the gentlest of giants, and Sunakawa provokes a discussion of what it should mean to be a man.

MY CHEEKS HURT

You know what doesn’t get enough attention in today’s anime landscape? Adaptations of shojo romance manga. Amid all the various genres and demographics that proliferate the medium- shonen jump, isekai, light novel adaptations, Webtoons, even the rare mecha anime still clinging on for dear life- it feels like shojo anime have pretty much gone dormant since Kimi ni Todoke back at the start of the decade. And that’s a criminal shame, because when done well, this genre makes me happy like nothing else does. Yes, I’m a self-professed romantic slut, but the spirit of shojo is in more than the romance. It’s the belief in the inherent goodness of ordinary people, how these stories portray loving worlds grounded in the realities of basic human empathy, where mostly everyone does their best for each other because most people aren’t built to be at war with each other all the time. Shojo anime are the kinds of anime I wish I could live in, hanging out with these characters and their relationships over the course of an ordinary, extraordinary life. And I actually didn’t realize Ore Monogatari was based on a shojo manga until well into the first couple episodes when I realized, “Wait a second, what other genre would handle a train molester scenario with this much tact and kindness?” Once I realized, though? The rest was history.

Yes, folks, we’ve finally got another show on this blog that I think I’m going to whole-heartedly love. Ore Monogatari won me effortlessly from pretty much the first few scenes and only got better from there. God, everything about this show just makes me so fucking happy. The OP is adorable! The characters are adorable! Their relationships are adorable! The animation is gorgeous (Courtesy of Madhouse and their deep appreciation for thickly textured, lived-in production design)! And what’s more, the story instantly bypassed by one real issue with shojo anime; the endless will-they-won’t-they. No ridiculously contrived scenarios to keep the inevitable from happening this time around; Takeo and Yamato are officially together before the end of episode 3, and there don’t seem to be any signs of them breaking up. So not only do we finally have another legitimately great shojo on our hands, we have a legitimately great shojo that fixes the genre’s biggest flaw right from the outset and gets right to the gooey couple adorableness. The only thing that could make this show more my speed is if one of the side characters is a girl who could easily kick my ass. What a wonderful time to be alive.

Fairytale Prince

For the moment, though, Ore Monogatari’s focus is very compact. The only real characters we’ve met are Takeo, Yamata and Sunakawa, with camoes from a couple of their parents and teachers. This tight focus lets the show develop them all fabulously, to the point they feel almost fully fleshed out already. And my god, what an absolutely lovable set of dorks they are. The protagonist Takeo, in particular, is one of the most endearingly earnest male romantic leads I’ve ever seen in anime. He’s a big softie who cries when he’s emotional, has great relationships with his middle school kouhai, and throws himself into being a good person with the intensity and stoicism of a samurai on a mission for his shogun. No matter how many times it lands him in trouble, (”Yesterday, I got reported to the cops.”) or how overbearing he accidentally ends up being (”Personal space, dude.”), or how much of his own happiness he has to leave aside, he’s 100% committed to helping the people he cares about. It’s a blast to watch him throw himself so passionately into doing the right thing, even when he has to turn on the hulking rage to punish someone who deserves to get some justice knocked into them: Being good is something he puts his whole heart and soul into, and I love seeing the good he puts into the world just by virtue of not half-assing anything. No matter how much it hurts, his heart is always in the right place.

And that actually gives this opening arc a real sense of pathos. Because he’s kind of a big, scary hulk, he tends to give the wrong impression with his intensity, and he hasn’t exactly been lucky in love as a result. All the female attention goes to the aloof pretty boy Sunawara, even the girls Takeo’s crushing on. At this point, he’s accepted that he’s just not gonna be lucky with girls. So when Yamata enters his life and shows even the slightest hint of maybe being into Sunakawa, he instantly decides that 1) She must be crushing on him like everyone on else, and 2) No matter how sad that makes him, he’s going to be the best damn wingman he can possibly be. He’s constantly assailed with his developing attraction to Yamata, but he never lets that conflict show; if he really loves Yamata and wants to make her happy, then the right thing to do is help her get together with the person she’s in love with. ”Well, I got some cake, and it was delicious,” he says, “so it’s okay.” As long as he can still be a part of her life, then he can find the strength to do what he believes to be the right thing. But it’s clear that his feelings for Yamata aren’t just some crush he can shove down and ignore. Even when he’s literally starting to get crushed to death under a falling beam, he’s still trying to convince himself that going for the beam instead of Yamata was the right choice, because at least this way, she’ll be alright. You just feel so sorry for the guy; he’s such a great dude, and he’s completely unable to have faith in himself because of all his bad experiences.

Of course, because Takeo’s gotten used to Sunakawa always coming out on top in these situations, he’s completely unable to see the obvious signs that he’s the one Yamata’s in love with (Let’s be real, most girls don’t text “It’s a beautiful day!” as a Good Morning message to the best friend of the guy they’re crushing on). And oh my fucking god, I adore this fucking disaster. She’s a flustered bundle of nerves and shyness (”Actually, am I creepy for showing up out of nowhere?!”), but she’s just as intense as Takeo in her own way. Whether it’s running after him so hard she breaks into a thick sweat, throwing her all into making sweets and cakes for him and filling them with little prizes, bursting into mutual tears with him over what a great fucking guy Sunakawa is, or trying to lift the goddamn concrete beam with him (”I’m... actually... pretty strong... myself!”), she’s just as committed as him to throwing herself 100% into whatever she’s doing, no matter how panicked or flustered it makes her. Even when Takeo’s ignorance makes her cry, she doesn’t want to give up on him, and she breaks through her shame to shout over and over again about how much the loves him. He may be about double her size, but they’re nevertheless perfect for each other. Two adorable, earnest idiots who treat doing the right thing as their lifelong mission, and they’re already officially a couple. God, I can’t wait to spend more time with them.

All Hail the Blue Ogre

And yet, hilariously enough, my favorite character so far isn’t either of the leads; it’s Sunakwa. The show actually sets up a really good intrigue with him in the early episodes; why does a gentle, loving giant like Takeo get along so well with someone who seems, well, kind of a jackass? The answer, it turns out, is because Suna is the literal personification of the Bro Code. Ever since they were friends in childhood, Suna has always had Takeo’s back, even when he had to make himself look stupid to do so. He helped Takeo out of trouble, he shared in his embarrassment, he was there for him every step of the way. And most importantly, the reason he was always so blunt and nasty in turning girls down? It’s because he knew that all of those girls were saying mean things about Takeo behind his back. And what kind of self-respecting man would go out with someone who talks crap about their friend? Christ, the moment that bomb dropped, I was sorry I ever doubted him. The aloof pretty boy who gets all the girls ended up being just as much a hilarious do-gooder as the other two. Even as Takeo’s 100% committing to being Suna’s wingman, Suna’s just as committed to helping Yamata and Takeo end up together. He’s the blue ogre of the classic fairy tale through and through, happily falling on whatever swords he needs to so that his friend can be happy.

Actually, now that I think about it, the way Sunakawa and Takeo’s friendship plays out is kind of a wonderful portrayal of masculinity. So many stories fall back on regressive ideas of what it means to “be a man,” especially in anime. But in Ore Monogatari, whenever someone talks about what it means to “be a man,” it’s always in regards to something that men should be. When Takeo’s clobbering the gross train molester, he explicitly calls him a “pathetic excuse for a man” because of his predatory actions. He also says “that’s what a real man does” when he commits to being Suna’s wingman and not pressuring Yamata with his own feelings. And Suna’s own desire to see Takeo happy is described as manly as well, as something that men and friend are just supposed to do: be happy for the people they care about and work to do right by them. Suna doesn’t even have to angst over it, he just takes it as a given that Takeo’s happiness is important to him, because, well, why wouldn’t it be? If they’re friends, it only makes sense they’d want the best for each other, without jealousy or pettiness or competitiveness getting in the way. And Takeo, for his part, is constantly complimenting Suna for his attractiveness, showing no shame about admiring a platonic friend in such an openly sincere way. (”Girls, this is what he looks like when he smiles.”) Time and again, the male characters in this show talk about masculinity as a positive force, something that’s meant to be used for kindness and compassion and building each other up instead of tearing each other down. It’s a masculinity that doesn’t seek to shut down emotions, but embrace and celebrate them. And it’s all baked right into the foundation of who these characters are and the way the show wants you to think about them. We need more portrayals of masculinity like this, in anime and everywhere else. If more boys were raised to be like Takeo and Sunakawa, the world would be a batter place.

Odds and Ends

-Holy shit he was even cuter as a kid

-There’s a lot of good uses of flashbacks in the first episode that flow with the action instead of disrupting it. I like it.

-”He ignored me?” HIS FUCKING FACE ASKJDHASKJDH

-Hold on, Takeo’s VA also voiced Julius from Re:Zero?! Good lord, the range.

-”I’m pretty sure you don’t bake them with your hands.” Lol, these manga splashes are hilarious.

-”Yep. Whenever I look at this tree, I see an ass.” sdkhsdfjhsdf what

-”Oh hey, it’s a guy’s ass! Why didn’t I notice that before?” what is this show

-”When I think about date planning, it’s a drag.” Honestly, I feel that.

-”THEY’RE MOVING AROUND!” He’s so enthusiastic oh my GOD

-”Sumo wrestler, huh? I’m flattered.” pfft

-”Takeo, you’re walking into a telephone pole.” I’m losing my shit help

-”Takeo, you’re stuck.” I’M LOSING MY SHIT HELP

-”BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE!” “...thanks, man.” I’m fucking dying

-he’s too big to fit under the bed askdjhaskjdhaskjdh

-Okay, the confession scene was wonderful, but then Suga just slipping back into his earphones in the foreground left me in stiches. Fuck me, I love him.

And with that, we’re on our way! God, this is gonna be a good November. See you next time!

#anime #the anime binge-watcher #tabw #ore monogatari #my love story

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oh-mother-of-darkness · 4 years

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hello this isnt abt batfam or batman but i saw your age and was wondering how do i survive till 23? i am 18 now and 5 more years is very hard to survive please help

Interesting question. I turn 24 in ten days, and sometimes even I’m not sure. I guess I’ll talk about how I personally stayed alive this long before I try to give advice.

The very first thing I would say is that I am religious, and that worldview makes a difference. I don’t mean that in a “everything happens for a reason” kind of way, and as a matter of fact, I very much dislike that line of thinking. It does a lot of damage, and I’m aware that it rightly puts a lot of people off from religion in general.

I hold two beliefs that I think are helpful in terms of survival. First, I believe that humans are by nature bad. Counterintuitive in this conversation? Stick with me. Every day, but especially at my lowest moments, I hate the things that I am. In a metaphorical sense, my mind whispers to me that I am selfish, that I am cowardly, that I think bad things and I am capable of worse. I’m hateful, I’m terrifying, and I am absolutely broken. At my core, there is something fundamentally wrong, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t fix it.

I am disgusting. I’m several thousand evil things in a trench-coat pretending to be anything but myself, and I’m not fooling anyone.

Well, yeah. Yeah, I’m all those things and more: manipulative, lying, self-obsessed, angry, unforgiving, and judgmental. I could, of course, go on.

Here’s the thing-- everybody is. I am no better and no worse than any other person in the universe, and though I am ever abhorrent thing, I am. I have the same dignity, the same worth, and the same life as any human anywhere. The dark things are part and parcel of my humanity, but although I am not good, I do good.

I will never be perfect because that just isn’t possible, but I can be kind. I can be loving, I can be strong, and I can be wise.

Shit, doesn’t that set me free?

There’s a lot more to this conversation, and the rest goes, in brief, like this: at the bottom of the darkness that is every soul, we have one great fear-- if I am truly evil, no one will ever love me. Good news on that front, there is a God who does. If that’s something you want to talk about, hey hit me up. I’ll evangelize on my own time.

Back to it. My second belief is a kind of understanding about the passage of time, and it’s sort of hard to boil down into a few sentences, but I’ll try my best. I believe in a grand struggle between good and evil. I know the beginning of that struggle. I know the end of that struggle: that good will win. I am a part of the middle.

I see my role in the universe as extraordinary small but absolutely necessary. I have a two-fold purpose-- love God, love humans. I interpret both as a call to help others in any way I can, and I think in the way my life has worked out so far, that’s really the most important thing keeping me alive.

I see all of this through the frame of my religion, but I would argue that everything I’ve said so far is applicable outside of that frame, because a lot of folks get to the same place from a fully secular point of view. I cannot be perfect. I should care about and fight for other people. That’s really all we’re working from here.

A few years back, when people asked me this question-- how do you stay alive?-- I used to answer “spite,” and that’s not untrue. I am a very angry person, and the grand majority of that anger is directed at what I perceive as unjust acts. I have a deep-seated hatred of establishments (including the established church), and you’d be shocked at how much of a motivator that can be.

I grew up in an environment that was very intentional in teaching me to identify injustice. Though I have radically departed from many of the teachings of my childhood, the part about fighting for others was something I learned at day one, and that bit has stuck around. For the most part, I grew up in an environment where everyone was on the same page about it.

And theeeeeeen I went to undergrad. Hello, Texas A&M. I hit campus as an 18 year old fully incapacitated by anxiety. I was the kind of person who didn’t-- in fact couldn’t-- speak in front of others. I had always lived my life in a way that minimized myself, because if I never spoke, if I never disagreed, if I never drew attention, I would never make anyone angry. I knew from experience that angry people hurt me, and I was afraid of pain.

Then I experienced the absolute shenaniganry of conservative Texans. The culture shock sent me to space and back, and on the return trip I decided that I couldn’t be quiet anymore.

I learned to speak my freshman year so that I could scream FUCK YOU. It was incredibly painful, and I can’t tell you exactly how I managed it other than I was angry, and I didn’t want to lose.

I fought a similar battle on my homefront against parents that didn’t know how to deal with a daughter that disagreed, or even worse, a daughter that wasn’t okay. I wasn’t a perfect child anymore. I knew I had anxiety, I knew I was depressed, and we all knew who I blamed for that. They hadn’t been the perfect parents they thought they were.

I found myself growing, little by little, into a person that could write and argue and hold her ground. That’s personal growth for sure, but it didn’t necessarily help my mental health. As a matter of fact, my health declined all through undergrad, and in my third and final year, I cracked.

I was desperate. I was isolated. I was flooded by fear and despair, and I was falling apart. I don’t remember huge chunks of undergrad because I was so depressed that the memories didn’t stick, but I do remember my tipping point.

It was something small. The ceiling fan in my bedroom was broken. The lighting chain worked fine, but if anyone pulled the fan chain, the whole thing would stop working. I mixed up which chain was which, pulled the wrong cord, and broke it for the fourth time.

For some reason, that was it. I lay down on my floor and cried for an hour, and while I did, my mind went to, as the kids say, a dark place. Finally, I called my mom and begged for psychiatric medication, something I had always been afraid to ask for. At the time, my parents believed that antidepressants were overprescribed, and they mocked parents that let their children take them.

At around the same time, I was deciding what to do with my life. I was about to graduate, and I had always wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. Instead, everyone in my life pushed me towards law school. I didn’t know what to do, but I began fantasizing, not about going to law school exactly, but about being the kind of person that could go to law school.

I knew that law school would be entail public speaking and constant conflict and the kind of work that would be hard for a person who sometimes couldn’t leave her bed. I wanted to be someone who could do all of that, but I didn’t believe I was.

Enter Donald Trump. Post-November 2016, I struggled to understand how something like that could happen, and I watched everyone else deal with it too. I began confused, moved to distraught, then returned to what I always am: angry.

January 2017 was the inauguration and shortly afterwards, the “Muslim ban.” I read the news on my bedroom floor, and there was one specific part that stuck out to me. There were pictures of lawyers flooding the airports. There was a court case headed for SCOTUS.

I suddenly realized that one group-- one very select group-- was doing what I was powerless to accomplish. I hated establishments, and there was one group that could challenge and change them. Some people could fight in the way I wanted to, and those people were lawyers.

I have a very distinct memory of looking into the bathroom mirror of my third-year apartment and thinking, “I will be miserable for the rest of my life, no matter what I do or what career I pick. I might as well be a miserable lawyer.”

So I took my antidepressants and I went to law school. I’m not going to rehash everything that happened there in this particular post, because in this topic, I don’t think it matters. The relevant part is that I went, and I had my reason why.

Sure as hell can tell you that law school wasn’t good for my health. The last three years have been, in terms of sheer stress and despair, the worst of my life. I picked up a self-harm habit, endured consistent humiliation, cycled through six different antidepressants, had horrible relationships, and developed a psychotic disorder. Don’t get me wrong, there were good things too. I met people that are important me, and beyond that, I grew.

I know that 18 year old me would be absolutely flabbergasted by the woman I am now, cracks and flaws included. I wouldn’t say I’m healthy or okay, but I am more healthy and more okay. I’m coming out of this mess with the institutional power I wanted, and now I get to decide what to do with it.

I was wrong three years ago when I looked in that bathroom mirror. I know now that I won’t be miserable for the rest of my life. I’m going to be happy someday, and to the parts of me that say otherwise: fuck you. I’ve learned to say it now.

I graduated law school this week, and this month, I’ve felt better than I ever have before. I’m singing again, I dropped two medications, and suddenly, everything is so, so funny. I’ve been laughing so hard my face hurts the day after.

This is a huge turning point in my life, so I’ve been meditating on my past. I’ve come to the conclusion that in most of the ways that matter, I won. My family has been forced to accept what I am. I became the person I wanted to be, even though I thought I wasn’t capable of that.

I know for sure that there will be times in my life where I hit rock bottom again, and that’s not gonna be fun. It’s likely that with my mental health issues, I will always have to work harder than my peers to get the same results. That’s unfair.

I also know that high points exist, and I will have them. I am having them, and I will again.

I guess in recap, I know that I have deep flaws and ugly parts, but I am at peace with that. I know that I must help others, and in pursuit of that goal, I became a person I like more than the girl I used to be.

You have exactly the same potential. I want you to know that whatever you are now, that’s not your forever. Circumstances change, and you will change too. We’re human, you and I, and that’s an exciting thing to be.

Your worth comes from your humanity itself, both evil and good, not the things you do or the fights you win. You never have to compare yourself to others because you are exactly the same as everybody else-- no better, but certainly no worse. You’re a person. That’s enough.

I’m telling you all those things, and as advice, I’ll say this: get angry and fight. Fight for others. You can help them, and you should. Fight for yourself. You are worthy of respect, and everyone else should give it to you. Fight yourself. Any part of you that preaches despair is wrong.

Find the thing that makes you angry and use it. Things are fucked up! There’s a lot to be angry about. I put it this way to my classmates, now my attorney peers: you get one hill to die on. What’s your hill? Go and defend it.

Here’s an interesting thing, anon. Your hill can be yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re right. Five years is a lot, and all the years beyond that are more. Take your antidepressants and go.

#anyway here's a fucking autobiography I guess #let's see what to tag what to tag #religion #christianity #suicide #suicidal thoughts #suicidal ideation #asks #personal i guess #wait I thought of more #self harm #american politics #if the read more on this post doesn't work again I'm rioting #been having that glitch lately

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finalfantasyandnerdiness · 4 years

Text

da capo al fine

For eternal beings, the ebbs and flows of time mean very little. Whatever happens, the world will keep moving forward, and so will they. No end. No beginning. For a human, though? Every second counts.

Every word.

Every decision.

A mortal with the power to turn back time is a fearsome creature, because a mortal cares – and if they decide that they’re going to find a timeline where everyone they love survives, they will do whatever it takes to make it happen. Even if it means abusing a power that was never meant to be theirs.

A Fire Emblem Three Houses retelling where everybody lives, basically. Also: Dimileth.

Read on Ao3

Every word.

Every decision.

“You. How long do you intend to sleep?”

Byleth opens her eyes. A young girl she vaguely recognizes stares down at her from a throne of stone. Her eyes, as eerily green as her hair, are expectant and clearly annoyed.

Where am I? Byleth shakes her head in an attempt to clear the cobwebs clouding her mind. Who am I?

“Get on your feet. Right now!” the girl snaps. “You are just like a child, always needing me to hold your hand…” She sighs. “This is the last time, you hear me? No more restarts. This is it.”

Byleth has no idea what any of it means, but she still nods.

The girl’s face softens. “Make it count.”

The first seconds are always the worst. Byleth never gets used to those terrifying moments where her entire being is a blank slate. She knows she’s supposed to recognize the bearded man in front of her, but he could just as well have been a complete stranger. Then, it clicks. Everything falls into place. He’s her father. She’s a mercenary. And, most importantly, she’s been here before.

Even though most of Byleth’s memories are blurry, the ones about the three heirs are always crystal clear. One look is all it takes to remember their tragic fates. Blue eyes, full of barely restrained hatred. Green eyes, sharp as a blade. Violet eyes, burning with determination. Three young rulers, destined to tear each other apart.

Not this time. Byleth looks at them, one by one, treasuring the innocence they will all inevitably lose. She’s lived through this chain of events more times than she can remember, getting closer and closer to her goal just to see a seemingly insignificant detail turn her dream to dust. Not this time, though. Sothis has given her one last chance, and she won’t let it go to waste.

This time, they will all live.

To the boys’ obvious disappointment, Byleth chooses to join the house of the Black Eagles. The three heirs are all suspicious by nature, but Edelgard easily takes the crown. Edelgard trusts no one but herself, which isn’t that surprising considering her only experience with friendship comes from a man who can’t get through a single sentence without mentioning blood. She’s hidden her heart away behind walls as impenetrable as her armor, doing her best to smother the fear and loneliness that lures within her. To bring the true Edelgard out of her shell takes time. Lots, and lots of time. So Byleth picks the Black Eagles, and tries not to notice the flash of darkness in Dimtri’s eyes.

Dimitri is young. So very young. He’s yet to grow into the inhuman strength he’ll one day wield with ease, still grinning awkwardly every time he accidentally breaks another training sword. He’s a prince, charming and polite, the definition of picture perfect. No one has any idea what hides behind that flawless smile.

Yet.

Byleth sees the way he looks at her, how his gaze lingers when she swings her blade on the training grounds. Their eyes meet. Her body instinctively reacts, but she forces herself to ignore it. Chronologically, he’s only three years younger than her, but he’s still a kid. Her conflicted heart, however, still remembers the king.

Her life would have been so much easier if she hadn’t fallen in love with him all those lifetimes ago. He forgets. She doesn’t.

Before Garreg Mach, Byleth used to think of herself as a fairly unemotional person. People called her the Ashen Demon for a reason. She didn’t really get people, and people didn’t really get her either. Then, she met her students, and everything changed. Now, she cares a lot, and it’s more tiring than she ever could have imagined.

“There we go again,” she mutters to herself as she watches Raphael and Caspar race through the courtyard, up to goddess knows what. She loves them both with all her heart, but critical thinking is not one of their virtues. To be frank, neither is thinking, period. She sighs and hurries after them. She has no idea what they’re going to break this time—a plate, a nose, a window—but they’re definitely breaking something.

Byleth has just left her private quarters to head to class when she nearly crashes into Seteth.

“Professor. There’s an… issue, we need to talk about.”

Of course there is. She sighs internally. Sometimes, she wishes she could just skip past certain conversations. She’s gone through this particular one so many times by now that she practically knows every line by heart.

Seteth clears his throat. “Due to your unexpectedly extraordinary tutoring skills, nearly all of this year’s students have requested to transfer to your class. While the feat in itself is admirable, it has led to some unfortunate consequences. Hanneman and Manuela now only share four students between them, and I’ve heard that your classroom is running out of desks. It’s not a very efficient way to run a school.”

“I agree.”

Seteth blinks in surprise. “You do?”

She nods. “I’ve given it some thought, and I think the best solution would be to separate the professors from their assigned houses.”

“That’s a preposterous—”

“The houses themselves would remain, of course,” she quickly adds. “I only propose that we rethink the way we hold our classes. The three of us have different areas of expertise, and we could use that to our advantage if we split up the classes by subject instead of houses.”

“I see.” Seteth hesitates, furrowing his brow. “It’s an unorthodox idea, but… I do see the benefits of your proposal. It could be… efficient. I will get back to you once I have discussed this with Rhea.”

Byleth nods again. Rhea will, albeit reluctantly, say yes, because when Seteth finds something that can be described as efficient, he will make it happen. The classes will be split up between the three professors, and Byleth will get the chance to tutor all the students – including those stubborn last four.

She’s not losing them again.

At the night of the ball, Byleth makes sure that it’s the students of the Blue Lions house who make the promise to reunite in five years. Their carefree laughter makes her stomach turn. They have no idea what fate she’s just bound them to.

Dimitri’s smile hurts the most, but she goes through with it anyway. She needs him to be there when she wakes up.

Even though Byleth knows it’s hopeless, she still always tries to save Jeralt.

Losing him never stops hurting.

“Thanks for letting me borrow your old man’s diary, Teach,” Claude says.

Byleth snatches the notebook out of his hands. “You would have stolen it anyway if I’d said no.”

“Me? Stealing?” He grins, placing a hand on his chest. “Your lack of faith in my moral compass wounds me.”

Byleth raises her eyebrows.

Claude sighs, his façade flickering. “All joking aside, I have to admit that some of the stuff in there is pretty hard to swallow – especially the parts about you. I’ve got so many questions, and I doubt you’ll ever answer a single one of them.” His eyes twinkle. “You sure know how to drive a guy crazy, Teach.”

Byleth shrugs. His obvious frustration doesn’t bother her – not anymore. He’ll eventually figure everything out anyway, with or without her answers. He just doesn’t know it yet.

She loves all her students. She really does. But sometimes, she can’t help but think that if Ferdinand yells out his name one more time, she’s going to strangle him.

“It’s not my place to question your way of tutoring, but I do feel the need ask you about the attendance record of one of your students,” Seteth says. “Linhardt von Hevring has been absent from nearly half of your classes this month, and I’ve noticed a lack of disciplinary actions. I would recommend stable duty or—”

“He’s doing important research,” Byleth interrupts. “As long as he keeps passing his tests, I don’t see any reason not to encourage it.”

“Well… I suppose I will have to trust your judgment, Professor.” Judging by his frown, he’s clearly not trusting it at all.

Byleth nods. She doesn’t blame Seteth for being skeptical. She would probably have doubted Linhardt too if she hadn’t known just how important that research would be to give some of her students a chance to grow old.

While the inferno of hatred that sometimes flares up in Dimitri’s eyes is undeniably terrifying, it doesn’t scare Byleth nearly as much as the cold apathy in Rhea’s.

A high-pitched shriek echoes over the monastery. People start looking for its source with obvious concern, but Byleth just smiles a little to herself. The boys of the Black Eagles house always figure out sooner or later that the only way to get Bernie out of her comfort zone is to literally carry her out of it.

Every now and then, Byleth slips. She tries to keep everything in the right order, to remember what she’s supposed to know and what’s yet to be revealed, but her memory is far from infallible. Most of the time, no one mentions her little accidents. She’s a strategist, after all. Predicting things is a part of her job description. Some slips, though, are too obvious to go unnoticed.

“Professor… Did you just call me El?”

Byleth groans internally. Yes, she most certainly did. It’s late, she’s tired, and she just casually used a nickname the heiress would never, ever, share with a professor she barely knows.

“No one has called me that since I was a kid. Those who once did are long gone.” Edelgard’s eyes narrow. “How did you know?”

“My apologies,” Byleth says. “I just thought it suited you. I won’t use it again.”

“No… I quite like it.” While the suspicion still lingers in Edelgard’s gaze, a small smile graces her lips. “Please, keep calling me El. I’m not sure why, but I enjoyed hearing you say it.”

Byleth nods. “If that’s the case, I will.”

“Good.” A hint of shyness sweeps over the future emperor’s face. “Thank you, my teacher. It may not seem like much, but it means a lot to me.”

The next time Byleth uses that name, it’s not by accident.

Felix’ digs at Dimitri are as sharp as his blade, and so is the resentment in eyes. Dimitri takes the insults without blinking. Their friendship is laced with a burning hatred they both believe is justified. It’s painful to watch, especially considering how easily the swordsman would give his life to protect his childhood friend. He never hesitates. Not even once.

“You fool! What were you thinking, charging right into an enemy’s trap? Again?” Sothis’ sharp voice echoes against the stone walls. “Are you just a boulder rolling down whatever hill it’s on? No, even a boulder has more sense!”

Byleth lowers her eyes. Her least favorite part of the cycles may be the first awakening, but this is the one Sothis dreads the most. Not surprising, considering that this is where the goddess has to disappear. It’s inevitable, though, even if she doesn’t run head first into Solon’s spell. Sooner or later they always end up here, facing the same decision over and over again. Sothis always makes the same choice.

“Thank you,” Byleth whispers. “For everything.”

Byleth reaches out her hand, and the power of the goddess seeps into her soul.

Callused hands gently stroke her bangs out of her face. Her consciousness is fading, but she doesn’t need to see to know whose hand it is. She would recognize that touch anywhere.

“Sorry, Professor,” Dimitri says. “I have no choice but to carry you back.”

Byleth raises her eyebrows as Sylvain limps into the training grounds. “Ingrid?”

“Yes.” He awkwardly scratches the back of his head.

“Did you deserve it?”

After a moment of hesitation, he sighs. “Yes.”

The sight of Edelgard’s coronation is as breathtaking as it is terrifying. The ceremony marks the beginning of a nationwide bloodbath, but Byleth still can’t look away from the blinding beauty that is Emperor Edelgard with a golden crown on her head.

A cacophony of rattling armor and frantic prayers fills the monastery. The moment Byleth hoped to avoid is once again taking place before her eyes. She leans against the railing of the third floor balcony. In the distance she sees Edelgard’s army gathering, preparing for the first battle of the war that will tear Fódlan apart.

It can’t be stopped now. It’s too late. Byleth’s time ran out the moment Edelgard’s betrayal set Dimitri’s dormant fury aflame. The war is happening. Her only option now is damage control.

“Hey, Teach.”

Byleth flinches. Even after countless cycles of nearly identical events, she’s still caught off guard every now and then – especially when Claude is involved. He’s turned unpredictability into an artform.

Claude moves to her side. His calculating eyes roam over the area below. His expression and posture radiate confidence, but his desperate grip on the railing has already turned his knuckles white.

“It can’t be stopped now,” he says, echoing Byleth’s thoughts. “Neither of those two will ever allow the other to live. There’s going to be a war, and it’s not going to be pretty.”

“So much death.” Byleth’s voice cracks. She’s seen it happen before, and now she’s going to have to see it again. She knew, but she still couldn’t stop it.

“You don’t have to go down with them, you know.” Claude sends her a quick glance before turning back to the soon-to-be battlefield. “This is their feud, not yours. I mean, just consider it. Someone’s got to protect the people in this mess, and that someone could definitely use that strategic brain of yours.”

“And in this scenario, that ‘someone’ is you?”

“If the shoe fits.” Claude shrugs. “I don’t care about who wins this war. I have a vision, and that vision would be pretty useless if there was no one left in Fódlan to see it. What do you say? Have I won you over yet?” A grin tugs at his lips. “You’d make a good Deer.”

She would.

She has.

She shook her head. “I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?” He tilts his head to the side. “Too fond of the kinglinesses, eh?”

She hesitates for a moment before deciding to, for once, tell the truth. “You’ll survive this war, with or without my guidance. You don’t need me. Not like they do.”

“Careful there, Teach. You’re starting to sound like you can predict the future.” His gaze sharpens. “Did you know that the Battle of the Eagle and Lion still keeps me up at night? I go over every move I made, every detail of my strategy, and how you managed to see through it all. It’s been driving me crazy – crazy enough to consider the possibility of you being some kind of mind reader. But that’s not it, is it?” He gives her a dangerous grin that almost reaches his eyes. “Come on, Teach, give a curious guy some peace of mind. I don’t kiss and tell.”

“If I told you, you’d never let me go.”

Her words clearly catch Claude off guard, which is a sight very few ever get to witness. For a moment he looks like he’s going to jokingly deny her claim, but in the end he just sighs. “I’d use you.”

She nodded. “And you’d end up hating yourself for it.”

“Fair enough.”

Claude studies her face, the cogs of his brilliant mind turning. His charming trickster façade flickers, revealing a taste of the unstoppable man he will one day become. “Let’s say you’re right, Teach. Maybe I don’t need you by my side to make my vision come true. Doesn’t mean I don’t want you there.”

Memories of wild wyvern rides, uncontrollable laughter, and pearls of sweat on copper skin flashes before her eyes. Heat rushes to her cheeks. He blinks.

“Oh, I get it.” The lighthearted tone in his voice clashes wildly against the intensity in his eyes. “There’s a version of this, whatever this is, where you choose me, isn’t there? One where you and I…?”

“Maybe.” She gives him a melancholic smile. “Just… not this one.”

Byleth knows she has to fall. She has to take that final blow that sends her down into the abyss. It’s the only way to make things turn out the way she wants to. She knows that, but she’s still just as terrified when the darkness claims her.

“You… how long do you intend to sleep? Get on your feet. Right now!”

The stairs leading up to the ruins of the old monastery are littered with butchered corpses. Carefully minding her steps, Byleth continues forward, heading towards the place where she knows she’ll find the wretched shell of the boy she abandoned when he needed her the most.

He’s on the floor, leaning heavily on his lance to stay upright. His pale skin is stained with blood. The dark circle surrounding his one remaining eye has the color of a bruise. Sweat, mud, wounds, scars – his handsome face is covered in layers upon layers of suffering. The guilt hits her in the stomach like a sledgehammer. Even though she always knows what awaits her at the end of her five-year slumber, she’s never prepared for that first sight of the haunted creature that used to be Dimitri.

Her dream comes with many sacrifices, and this is the one where Dimitri pays the price. The king that Fódlan so desperately needs can only rise from the ruins of a broken prince.

The prince in front of her is about as broken as a man can be.

Byleth knows he won’t accept her hand, but she still reaches out for him. She always does. And it always breaks her heart when he turns away.

“I should have known that one day you would be haunting me as well.”

The abandoned monastery springs back to life as its former teachers and students return. One by one they enter Garregh Mach, all of them bringing a shard of joy and a small shimmer of hope. Byleth smiles as she watches a highly frustrated Lysithea try to put a book back on a shelf she clearly can’t reach. Her smile widens even more when Raphael enters the library. She knows exactly where the situation is heading, and she never grows tired of watching her former students get into ridiculous fights over absolute nonsense.

Her happiness is genuine, but it’s also bittersweet. This is where the tricky part begins.

“Leave it to me,” Byleth yells as she crosses the battlefield, heading towards the trembling silver-haired foe. It’s not a very strategic decision, but no one questions her. Maybe they’re all relieved they won’t have to be the one dealing the final blow against the sweetest boy to ever grace the Officers Academy.

When Dorothea dances, she enthralls everyone around her. No one, friend nor foe, can look away. They see a rose in bloom: beautiful, delicate, and full of life. She doesn’t. No matter how many times Byleth tries to convince her otherwise, the songstress still only sees herself as petals slowly falling to the ground, leaving nothing but thorns.

Byleth is well aware of the location where Rhea is kept prisoner, but she still pretends to be just as concerned as the rest of the archbishop’s loyal supporters. She holds on to her worried façade with an iron grip, because keeping Rhea locked up is the only way to prevent her from crushing Byleth’s plan before it’s even started.

Though they’d never admit it themselves, Dimitri, Edelgard and Claude share a fairly similar vision. The three of them fight for a unified Fódlan, where the strong will no longer prey on the weak. In a world like that, there’s no place for a power-hungry demigoddess. Byleth knows it, and so does Rhea.

A part of Byleth hates Dimitri with her entire being during his feral phase. Another part still loves him just as intensely. Her exasperated frustration is, however, always present, because spending hours upon hours on building a strategy around a murder machine with zero sense of self-perseverance makes her want throw the prince off a damn roof.

She finds him in the cathedral as always, muttering morbid nonsense about ghosts and heads being ripped off their shoulders. While she doesn’t usually agree with Felix when he calls the prince a wild boar, she has to admit that approaching Dimitri when he’s like this feels a bit like cornering a wounded animal – an animal with a very bad temper and very sharp claws.

“Dimitri,” she says softly. “We need to talk.”

Dimitri slowly turns around. Despite everything that’s happened to him, he still moves with the proud confidence of a ruler. He stands tall before her, his broad shoulders blocking the evening’s last rays of sunlight trickling in from the windows. The resentment in his single eye is merciless.

“Leave.”

“No.” She raises her chin. “Your army expects me to guide them through this war, and I can’t do that if you continue to disregard my orders. The stunt you pulled today with those bandits… You’re going to get yourself killed, and you’re taking everyone down with you. I can’t allow that.”

“You can’t allow that?” His cold chuckle sends a shiver down her spine. “Who do you think you are, giving orders to the walking corpse of your prince?”

He takes a step forward, and despite her feigned confidence, she takes a step back. A grave mistake. He continues forward, and she continues to back away. The wounded animal has caught the scent of blood.

Her back hits the wall. He places a hand next to her head and leans forward, caging her in. She’s fast and clever, but he’s got more raw strength than a mere human should ever possess. She would never defeat him in hand-to-hand combat, and they both know it.

“If you do not approve of what I have become, then kill me”, he says. “If you insist that you cannot… then I will continue to use you and your friends until the flesh falls from your bones.”

She swallows hard, but refuses to look away. Her courage might be wavering, but her resolve is not. “I’m not afraid of you, Dimitri.”

“You should be.” His gloved hand slowly traces her arm, her shoulder, her collarbone, until finally coming to a rest on her neck. His thumb caresses the vulnerable skin of her throat before giving it a light squeeze. “Don’t you dare pity me, Professor. We’re the same, you and I. After all is said and done, we are both murderers. Both stained. Both monsters.”

“Yes,” she whispers. “We are.”

His pauses. For the first time since their reunion, he truly looks at her. His trembling exhalation tells her he’s finally noticed it – her longing, her yearning, her need – and he snaps. His lips crash into hers. She melts into his ruthless touch, returning the kiss with a desperation matching his.

She’s back.

She’s home.

He pulls back, his eye roaming her face with childlike wonder. To her, this is just one of the countless kisses they’ve already shared, but to him, it’s their first – and, as far as he knows, possibly their last. A moan escapes her lips as he grabs the back of her thighs and hoists her up. His grip tightens to the point where it will most certainly leave bruises. He clings to her like a man on the verge of drowning.

“I won’t leave you again, Dimitri,” she says, entangling her fingers in his hair as his lips wander down her throat. “I swear it.”

“Good.” He bites down hard on the spot where her neck meets her shoulder, a place where neither her hair nor her clothes would hide the mark. She can’t see his face, but she feels his feral grin against her skin. “I do not intend to let you go.”

Manuela and Hanneman have been bickering for nearly half an hour when Sylvain walks by their table in the dining hall. He pauses mid-step and leans down.

“You’re aware that everyone knows you’re sleeping with each other, right?”

Hanneman gasps. Manuela screams. Ingrid kicks Sylvain in the shin.

Some sacrifices are uglier than others. Rodrigue’s death, as necessary as it is, might be the ugliest one of them all.

“Your hands are so warm… Have they always been?”

The last remains of the broken prince is washed away by the pouring rain. The king rises.

One day, Mercedes drags a reluctant Death Knight into the monastery. She smiles proudly, reminding Byleth of a child that’s about to ask her parents if she can keep the stray cat she just found in the gutter. Byleth can’t deny the value of Jeritza’s skills, so he stays. On the battlefield, she appreciates his presence. Everywhere else, she’s ambiguous at best. She tries to believe Mercedes when she claims that her brother is just a little bit misunderstood, but he’s not making it easy. Not even once during her countless lifetimes has she managed to get share a cup of tea with the knight without receiving a poetic confession of how badly he wants to stab her in the chest.

Byleth is never as calm as when she’s lying in Dimitri’s arms, listening to the soft thuds of his beating heart. She can’t help but wonder what it’s like to have a ticking little machine in your chest that keeps you alive. According to Dimitri, people usually don’t even think about it. It’s just there. She wonders if she would get used to it too, if her heart ever were to start beating.

She highly doubts it.

Sylvain pauses mid-step as he passes Dimitri and Byleth in the dining hall. He smirks.

“You’re aware that everyone knows you’re—”

Ingrid clocks him in the head with a plate.

Byleth hates Gronder Field.

“If you’re going to lead Fódlan, then the Alliance lords will follow you.” Claude hands Dimitri his bow. The former leader of the Alliance is limping a little, but overall, he seems to have gotten through the battle more or less unharmed. He always does. It’s like his plans have so many backup plans that not even death itself can keep track of what’s going on.

“I’ve played my part now,” he continues. “Right, Teach?”

“You have,” Byleth says. “Thank you for trusting us.” Wordlessly, she adds, Thank you for trusting me.

“I knew you’d come. You’re a bunch of soft-hearted suckers after all.” Claude winks, and wordlessly replies, Always.

“Go to Almyra. Make your vision come true, Kha—” She bites her tongue, but the slip is already out. “Claude. Make your vision come true, Claude.”

“Your wish is my command.” He gives her a sarcastic little bow, keeping eye contact through the entire movement. His grin has a knowing edge. “Too bad I’ll never get to experience that other version, eh? I bet it was a fun one.”

Byleth smiles. “It was.”

Hilda manages to break an impressive amount of hearts – and furniture – during the few days she stays at the monastery before jumping back up on her wyvern to follow Claude to Almyra.

This is it.

Byleth clenches her trembling fists as Edelgard walks up to Dimitri. For the first time in many, many years, the two of them speak in earnest. Their conversation is calm and sensible, dancing around the unavoidable for as long as they can. Eventually, they reach the point of no return. They share the same vision, but they both conclude that their methods are too disparate to coexist.

In every other timeline, this is where Byleth loses. Dimitri and Edelgard go their separate ways, and one of them winds up dead. She takes a deep breath. Not this time.

“Neither of you will see your dream come true unless we defeat Those Who Slither in the Dark.” She looks at a highly skeptical Edelgard, and then turn her gaze to a very confused Dimitri. This is the moment she’s been preparing for since she first laid eyes on the three heirs. This is why she spent so much effort on returning lost items, organizing choir practices, and saving money for expensive tea. This is it.

“Do you trust me?”

The temporary truce between the Holy Kingdom and the Empire is anything but pretty. The wounds each side have caused the other are too deep to heal with a simple common goal. What they all share, though, is their loyalty to their respective leader – and their leaders have decided to put their faith in their old professor.

Together, they prepare for their march to Shambhala.

An unavoidable side effect of the truce is the liberation of Rhea.

If Rhea knows Byleth’s true feelings, she doesn’t show it. The demigoddess keeps giving Byleth that serene smile, treating her like a companion, a mother, and a daughter all at once. Byleth plays along, because she knows all too well how Rhea reacts when someone questions her authority. It always ends with fire. Lots, and lots of fire.

Byleth keeps up her dangerous act, because Rhea can’t show her true face yet. Those Who Slither in the Dark must be defeated before the world burns.

“You never told me about Those Who Slither in the Dark,” Dimitri murmurs, softly stroking Byleth’s hair. “Why would you hide such a thing from me?”

“If I’d told you, you would have gone after them yourself.” She presses a kiss to his jaw before settling back down on his chest. Her body relaxes to the sound of his heartbeats. “We wouldn’t have made it on our own.”

A lie, of course, but it’s a white one.

He sighs. “Even now, after all this time, you are still a mystery to me. My beloved, will you ever entrust me with your secrets?”

“When all of this is over, I’ll tell you everything. I promise.”

Truth.

Edelgard grabs Byleth’s arm and pulls her to the side. “For as long as the Church of Seiros controls Fódlan, this war will never end,” she says in a low voice. “I will continue down this path until the people of this land are free to decide their own fates. I have devoted my life to destroying the blood-stained cycle the church so desperately wishes to uphold. Defeating Those Who Slither in the Dark will not lead me astray.”

“I know.”

They stand in silence for a while, watching the army close in on the underground city.

“Will you go back to them, once this battle is over? To him?” Edelgard lowers her eyes. “You were once like family to me. I do not regret my decision to start this war, but I cannot help but wonder how things would have been if I’d walked down this path with you by my side.”

Better, yet so much worse.

After making sure no one’s listening, Byleth leans closer. “I want the cycle to end, too, El. So does Dimitri.”

“A highborn person like him will never understand the struggles of the poor and weak.” Edelgard scoffs. “He believes they cannot survive without their faith, that it’s their useless prayers to a goddess who will never answer that keep them alive. He claims to speak on the behalf of the people, yet he still refuses to let go of the system that is causing this injustice. Do you truly believe that he will change his mind, my teacher? That a man like him can ever see the truth?”

“I hope so. Just like I hope that you, once this is over, will see that you both share the same vision.”

“That’s a dangerous gamble, even for a strategist like you.” She snorts, her eyes glittering with amusement. “But then again, I do remember the days when you used to make plans based entirely on lucky hits.”

Byleth has never seen anything as terrifying or as beautiful as Dimitri and Edelgard fighting side by side. Power, grace, speed, skill – together, the two rulers are unstoppable. Edelgard gives Dimitri a short nod when Areadbhar blocks an enemy blade moments before it slashes her side. Dimitri’s lips twitch when she returns the favor, her shield blocking an arrow aimed at his chest.

In perfect synchronization, they both fall back as they reach their final foe. With the Emperor and the King guarding her back, Byleth raises the Sword of the Creator.

Thales falls.

“So, uh, are we still at war or what?” Caspar asks, casting nervous glances left and right as the army leaves the ruins of Shambhala.

Linhardt yawns. “I have no idea.”

In all honesty, neither did Byleth.

Back at Garreg Mach, Rhea, still affected by her years of imprisonment, once again tries to entrust Byleth with the leadership of the Church of Seiros. The demigoddess eyes turn cold when Byleth declines.

“The world is changing, Seiros,” Byleth says. “Humanity is rising up. Fódlan belongs to its people, and It’s time for the children of Sothis to let go.”

Rhea reacts just like Byleth knew she would. A guttural roar pierces the tense silence of the monastery.

The world burns.

The crest stones within the soldiers and monks of the Church of Seiros react to the Immaculate One’s calls, and soon, the monastery is crawling with mindless beasts. The two armies are once again forced to work together, and so is Dimitri and Edelgard. Putting their grudge back on pause, the two of them raise their weapons against the feral creature that used to be Rhea.

Out of all of Byleth’s battles against the Immaculate One, this should have been the easiest one. With two armies instead of one, she was certain the odds were in their favor – but, as always, it turns out there’s a detail she’s overlooked.

With Dimitri’s and Edelgard’s strength combined, Those Who Slither in the Dark went down much faster than Byleth predicted. Thales never managed to summon his javelins of light. Rhea never took that almost lethal hit to save them all.

This version of the Immaculate One, worn-out but mostly unharmed, is the strongest one Byleth has ever faced.

Over and over, Byleth sends the coiled blade of the Sword of the Creator through the air, but every time an enemy falls another one takes its place. All around her, soldiers of the Kingdom and the Empire alike fall victim to the Immaculate One’s merciless fire. True terror fills Byleth’s chest. She miscalculated, and this time, she won’t be able to go back and make things right. This is her last shot, and she’s failing. Again.

“What’s the plan?” Sylvain yells from his steed, blood trickling down his face from a wound on his forehead.

Byleth slashes down another white beast as she tries to come up with an answer. Not even Ashe and Lysithea have managed to get close enough to Rhea to attack. Dedue, who can usually withstand pretty much anything, was nearly killed in one single hit. There is no plan. There hasn’t been for quite some time.

Somewhere to her right, Edelgard gasps. “Look!”

Byleth turns around. Her eyes narrow as she stares at the horizon. A strange cloud is approaching from the east, and it’s moving fast.

“What is that?” Dimitri punches a church soldier in the face before piercing another one with his lance in one single movement. “More beasts?”

Byleth’s brain goes blank. They wouldn’t survive another wave of reinforcements. Her battalion withdrew ages ago. Mercedes is running out of healing spells. Felix, the one-man army, is surrounded, and he’s already tricked death more times than should have been statistically possible. Byleth has officially run out of strategies.

She squints at the horizon. Her heart skips a beat. She catches the glimpse of a banner, and it carries the colors of yellow and black.

“No,” she says, smiling. “It’s the King of Almyra.”

The master of unpredictability swoops in with an army of wyvern riders, and just like that, the tides turn. Eventually, Byleth stands before Rhea with the three young rulers by her side.

“You ungrateful piece of trash.” The Immaculate One’s eyes burn with manic hatred. “I gave you everything. You stole my mother from me. I will take her back!”

She lunges for Byleth, but her blow is blocked by a crimson shield.

“Your reign has ended, Rhea,” Edelgard says, her voice unwavering. “This battle marks the birth of a new world – a world where the strong will no longer prey on the weak.”

Dimitri rearranges his grip on Areadbhar, preparing to strike. “A world where people are allowed to choose their own beliefs.”

“A world where everyone, regardless of their heritage, can be free.” Claude draws his bow.

Edelgard gives the two kings an appreciative nod before turning back to Rhea. “A world,” she says as she raises Aymr, “where there’s no need for gods.”

The Immaculate One falls. One by one, the crest-bearing beasts drop to the ground as Seiros’ power leaves their bodies. Something cracks in Byleth’s chest. The Sword of the Creator slips from her hands, and then she’s falling too.

She knows what’s happening. She’s known from the beginning how her journey would end.

It was worth it, she thinks, and then the darkness claims her.

Byleth blinks. Her mind is blank. She tries to remember where she is, but her brain gives her nothing. She then tries to remember who she is, but she doesn’t seem to know that either.

“Professor.”

“Teach.”

“Teacher.”

The three names are called out all at once, and somehow, she knows they all belong to her. She blinks again and tries to focus on the three faces hovering above her. Blue eyes, green eyes, violet eyes, all staring down at her, sharing the same obvious relief. Her mind clicks. Everything falls back into place.

“I did it,” she whispers. “I finally did it.”

Dimitri scoops her up and hugs her to his chest with a desperation that makes her fear for the safety of her ribs.

Edelgard smiles, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Voice trembling, Claude says, “I like the new hair.”

Once the Emperor has made sure that the governing of Fódlan will no longer be decided by bloodlines but by the will of the people, she hands over the crown to the unified nation’s first elected king. The former Prince of Faerghus becomes the King of Fódlan, and with the support of the King of Almyra, he opens up the continent’s borders to the rest of the world.

The power of turning back time is lost forever. The human who once wielded it feels no remorse.

Byleth never stops cherishing the soft thuds of her beating heart.

#fire emblem three houses #fe3h #dimileth #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #edelgard von hresvelg #claude von riegan #i mean they're all in there #all of them #everybody lives au #a very very ambitious everybody lives au #SO MUCH EFFORT

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talesofafangirlwithadvr · 4 years

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APRIL PICKS!

And we’re back with new picks for the month!! Man, this has been some strange times we’re living in. I saw a post that said March felt like 300 days, while April feels like 3. I could not agree more. I’ve watched a lot this month, which isn’t a shocker due to our current circumstances. There’s a pretty big range, so there might be something here that you can check out during quarantine.

Here come the spoilers!

THE SOCIETY

I’m going to start with my latest watch from Netflix, The Society. Wow. I really enjoyed this one. Going into it I knew it would be like a Twilight Zone meets Lord of the Flies show, but there was so much unexpected stuff that occurred. Much like Degrassi the Next Generation, they went there. The students from New Ham, Connecticut go off on a field trip, but the buses don’t get too far due to the storm. This forces them back into town only (maybe) a couple hours from when they left. No one is home when they get back. No adults, kids, or others who were not on the school trip. The town is theirs and there is no way out. At first it’s all partying, but things take a dark turn fast and the teens must come up with laws for there to be some sort of order in this new world if they want to survive and find a way back to their real home. The 10 episodes go by really fast. It leaves a nice cliffhanger for season 2 (which is supposed to be in the works, but I don’t know if Corona affected that at all). This show definitely contains a lot of surprising twists including one very early on that is hard to predict. If you have watched this show previously or are interested in giving it a shot know one important thing.

This is the BEST character on the show.

I have not met one person who doesn’t love Grizz. He is the greatest. (The fan love for him really reminds me of the love for Stiles in Teen Wolf.)

DC’S TITANS- Season 2

At the start of April, I started the second season of Titans. As someone who does not have the DC streaming service I have to wait till the seasons are accessible on DVD. I watched the first season back in December and loved it, so I couldn’t wait to watch season 2. I was excited to see all the characters they were adding to the team. As someone who LOVES superheroes, but gets most of their knowledge through watching TV and movies rather than the comics, I went in not knowing a lot, which made it even more exciting. I would say my only main issue with this season was the staggering of plots. Because there were so many characters to follow and so much going on there were a lot of times when I was excited to start the next episode (because the previous one always ended on the BEST cliffhangers) only to have the episode involve a completely different story-line. While Deathstroke was the main villain for the season, sprinkling in CADMUS and finishing off Raven’s dad at the start felt like a lot for me. Most of the side conflicts added up to involving Slade, but looking back (because I did watch this at the beginning of April) it often felt like a lot in the moment. Some of the moments that were my favorite were finally getting the Nightwing reveal, seeing Bruce and Dick interact, being at Titans tower, hearing Hank sing and all of Connor. I think he was my favorite addition to the show. (I could be biased because I’m a Superman fan.) I’m upset with the ending and they better find a way to reverse it!! I would also like to see more of the team together next season because I really missed that too.

On a lighter note....

NAILED IT!

This is the PERFECT show for the crazy times we are in. It takes your mind off the repetitive news and is a great stress reliever, plus it is super funny and you will find yourself laughing uncontrollable. Maybe more in some episodes than others. Nailed it is the baking game show for people who strive to be better bakers in the kitchen, but are struggling when it comes to appearance (or taste...or both). In the half hour show there are two tasks for the three contestants to perform in order for a chance at the Nailed It trophy and $10,000. They are both often very difficult, with the second creation much harder than the first. Watching the contestants is hilarious as well as their reactions to baking and not having any clue what to do sometimes. I also love the judges. Nicole Byer is too funny and Jacques Torres is one of my new favorite people.

Plus Wes is just beautiful and I loved when Nicole called him the human form of Simba from the Lion King.

Continuing on with more comedy...

I know of several people who quote John Mulaney’s comedy specials on the regular, plus his gifs are EVERYWHERE. So it was about time I watched his specials and what better time than right now when I can use all the laughs I can get. I watched The Come Back Kid and New in Town and was laughing all the way through. If you’re already familiar with his stand-up you can enjoy some of these moments again below. If you aren’t then I HIGHLY suggest you check them out on Netflix or by simply YouTube-ing some of his best moments. (My computer cannot stop putting them in my suggested now.)

Returning to some of my past favorites this month....

(Some of these should not come as a shocker)

ZOEY’S EXTRAORDINARY PLAYLIST

One of my February Picks is back (not that it ever really left). Zoey’s is the show that I can’t stop talking about and even if this past Sunday’s episode (not the one airing tonight because I obviously haven’t watched it yet-while he’s been bothering me I can’t wait to hear Max’s rendition of ‘Bye, Bye, Bye’) gave me issues because everyone was blowing up at each other and there were times I wanted to shout at the TV, I would still suggest this show to anyone. This dramedy has so much going on from captivating (and sometimes heartbreaking) plots, to realistic and lovable characters and songs you will quickly want to add to your personal playlist. It’s honestly just a feel good show that usually puts me in such a great mood (again, despite last week’s...) With only a few more to this season I cannot wait to see what happens next!! (If you enjoy the show check out my other posts on this page!)

NANCY DREW

The CW retelling of Nancy Drew is in the top 2 of shows that I currently cannot stop talking about. It’s still a little shocking to me that I have grown to like Nancy Drew SO MUCH. If you told me that at the start of the season I would have been like ‘really?’ But as this first season has progressed I really fell in love with the show and the characters. While we ended on an earlier cliffhanger than was intended it was still an AWESOME one that has left me with so many questions. I am so happy this show was renewed and I cannot wait till they can start filming the second season. Because I need more of these kinds of moments:

I’m pretty sure I ended my last post this way too. But come on these two are the cutest and deserve to be endgame!

Just like with Zoey’s check out this page for more detailed reviews if you are also a Nancy Drew fan!

I DIDN’T DO IT

I am SO HAPPY that this show is now on Disney Plus. I have talked about this show since it got canceled from Disney Channel far too soon (much like many of their great shows on that channel). But at least they had gotten 2 seasons and both are now available to watch on the streaming service as much as you’d like. (I think I already made it up to episode 12). In my personal opinion season 2 is stronger than season 1 mainly because it doesn’t follow the classic structure of the “I didn’t do it” episode. What I mean by this is starting the episode out with some sort of hi-jinks and having the 5 best friends exclaim they “didn’t do it” or this isn’t how they thought things would go. Then we flashback to events either earlier in the day or week, etc, leading up to the first scene’s events. This style can get very repetitious, but with funny plots and likable characters certain episodes work better than others. However, by season 2 this structure was gone completely and I think the show strongly benefited from it. I truly believe this group of friends felt like a teenage “Friends” sitcom. They had a hang out at a smoothie cafe, two of them were siblings (here twins) and each member of the group resembled a character from the classic NBC show. They even had the two that felt like Ross and Rachel like each other romantically. Who knows where the show would have gone if it wasn’t cancelled. Check it out and let me know if you find more comparisons.

And Last But Not Least...

WORLD ON FIRE

The most recent show I’ve started watching is currently airing on PBS after previously airing on the BBC. This drama throws us into the beginnings of WWII as we follow several characters from different parts of the globe, from England to Germany and Poland. I’m really loving the diverse cast and seeing through the eyes of so many characters during this turning point of history. While I have only watched 2 episodes so far, I already feel very invested in each of their lives and cannot wait to see what happens next. Already so many twists and turns have occurred in such a short amount of time. The episodes go by really fast and will have you thinking a lot after. If you are a fan of a lot of other Masterpiece’s Classics I would highly suggest checking it out.

I hope everyone is staying safe and well!

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chilledplantmum · 3 years

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CW: stillbirth, mental health, covid 19, trauma

*Names have been changed for privacy and confidentiality reasons

Life line: 13 11 14

Men’s help line: 1300 789 978

Beyond blue: 1300 22 4636

1800 RESPECT

SANDS: pregnancy and infant loss: 1300 072 637

Kids helpline: 1800 551 800

7.50 Monday morning

I was just doing my normal morning routine I was on the loo and I felt this weird sensation I thought Chester had moved away from my bladder as I felt a pop and a gush.

I didn’t panic I just thought it was wee but I called labour and delivery just for an opinion they weren’t concerned and as I had an appointment at 11am so I just chilled out and had breakfast I pushed away any worries because pregnancy teaches you to chill because if you worry about every little thing you’ll go mad. Matt was sleeping as he had had the flu with migraines and temperatures all the previous week and he was buggered. Then I went back to the toilet and I was shocked at that point as I was bleeding bright red blood. So I left the bedroom en-suite as not to wake up Matthew and called labour and delivery again and they seemed not fussed then Matthew came out to the lounge and his face was just shocked he couldn’t believe I hadn’t told him I just wanted him to not worry.

I drove myself to the hospital alone as Matthew was still displaying symptoms of being sick and as this was the thick of covid 19 stages 4 there was no way he’d be anywhere near the hospital though we both had negative results the previous weeks so we could see Matthews son as we didn’t want to expose anyone.

I was called into my appointment very quickly and the OB rushed me to ultrasound. The ultrasound was a bit strange even I could tell there was something wrong as the amount of 20-week ultrasounds I had seen on Facebook did not look like this. The OB said everything should be okay it did look like there was not much fluid but in her words at the time ‘I’m not great with ultrasounds I’ll send you up to the assessment unit they are much better’ but Chester still had a heartbeat so again I didn’t get too worried and I hadn’t had any pain so I made my way up to the assessment centre. Again I was called in fairly quickly even though I counted about 15 heavily pregnant women sitting waiting.

The midwife sat me down and checked on Chester with the Doppler he was rolling around running away from the pressure typical of my little nugget but she found his heartbeat no issues. She did some swabs and then called a doctor. The doctor performed a procedure to check my waters had truly broken. They couldn’t get an accurate answer as there was too much blood. But again they assured me that there was no ‘pooling’ of amniotic fluid so everything should be okay. I went to do the ‘pee cup’ the results showed high glucose which is typical of myself being hypoglycemic and a slight infection marker but nothing extraordinary. Then they transferred me to a single assessment unit to see the head OB and again I didn’t stress because no one seemed to be too worried. I was actually enjoying knitting the scarf I’d been working hard at the whole pregnancy.

The head OB again did a fluid swab which was a nasty painful 60 seconds of my life. Oh and the fact he made the comment that my vagina was at an odd angle and it was impossible to see my cervix. I won’t go into too much detail but it was rough and if I ever see another speculum I’ll most likely cry.

Called Matthew at that point can’t really remember what we spoke about but I was just updating him so he wasn’t out of the loop. I then headed to the toilet and on my way back to my room I saw my OB say to another midwife do you think this test is positive? She replied yes definitely a poor girl. I stopped myself went back to the room in a hurry and just kept repeating no it wasn’t my test why would they just talk openly where everyone could hear. I slowed my breathing something I had been very accurate to my entire life due to anxiety issues so I held it together.

The head OB came in and non-chalnonty told me yes the test is positive my waters had indeed broken. I immediately speed-dialled my love. At that point I could not talk I stopped paying attention to anything around me and I could barely hear any voices. The OB explained the situation to Matthew and left swiftly. Matthew and I just cried not saying a word but uncertain of what the future held. I had a few midwives come to comfort me and told me not to stress babies are born all the time at early gestations. I asked her for some food as I wasn’t prepared for a lengthy hospital experience all I had eaten was a bowl of rice bubbles at 9am it was now 2pm. All she could find was 3 custard puddings as I was feeling faint and quite hungry I downed all 3 without hesitation. I was admitted and given my own room hey it kind of looked like a fancy hotel room. Tad odd there was no TV.

Again I asked for food and asked to make sure my dinner had been organized they assured me it had been.

Then my mate Didrie* the first midwife I met on the ward. I will not forget her she was kind, she was gentle.

I asked her for answers there was none at that point.

I called Matthew so he could hear the plan she explained so he could have his questions answered.

Now at this point, I need you to brace yourself as I can hardly handle my anger for this moment.

My honest and compassionate self told Dierdre about Matthew and I’s covid tests and they were negative but Matthew had developed a dry cough that morning. He was instantly refused entry to the hospital and was made to take a covid test.

Bare with me this bits a little complicated. I had driven the car in and as we only have one car Matthew needed to come to pick it up so he asked Dedrie if he could bring my bedding and bags for the admission to the front door and give me a hug......... the answer of course ... no

I called my mother and asked her to drive Matthew to pick up the car and so I could at least see one familiar face..... breathe..... the covid rules for antenates was one visitor for the entire stay and only 2 hours of visiting per person.

At this point I had Deidre explain this to Matthew as I was exhausted beyond comprehension. Matthew begged and begged and the head midwife said absolutely not until his covid test was negative. He basically ran to get the test and was told it was going to take 3-5 days. He told this story to the nurse who completed his test she cried. That angel of a woman put his test under immediate healthcare exemption so it was fast-tracked for 24-hour turn around.

At this point, I was given the impossible choice of having my mum give me a hug and a conversation so I could cope or wait for Matthew when his test came back. At this point I almost shut down I had no answers for my unborn and my stupid empathetic brain pulled Dedrie aside and apologized for how Matthew and my mother sounded I had chosen to wait for the father of my child. I apologized to her and said they were quite angry as only a year and a half ago I had almost succeeded in ending my life. Deidre hugged me and said just wait.

She returned not more than 5 minutes later and said call your mother right now and get her up here. You have exceptional circumstances.

At this point, I was still waiting for food I believe it was around 8pm. The food service lady knocked opened the door and stated have you got your tray? I looked at her utterly confused and said what do you mean? I haven’t received my dinner yet. She just said okay well dinner service was over.

I begged mum to go get me food I was weak tired emotional and confused. My mother’s anxiety got the best of her and said she had no idea how to navigate sunshine. I dialled Matthew crying and said can you buy me some tea, my darling partner said what do you want anything for you.

Deidre Returned and said she had gotten approval for external food to be brought in. My mother went to the front door to collect the food from Matthew. She was hassled by security on the way back to my room.

It was KFC just chips and potato and gravy and as it was quite late at this stage I took in as much as I could but I could hardly eat it was the Coca Cola that saved my energy levels. I had to just force the food in.

Mum left after her 2-hour visit with a letter from the hospital stating she had permission to be out after curfew.

I just sat on my hard horrible uncomfortable hospital bed and just cried not sure how long but it was endless tears.

I finally passed out from exhaustion.

The night head midwife came in and woke me up around 1am for an obs check. I knew something was wrong as I could barely make out a human she had so much PPE. She said you are now in isolation and you will be given your covid test in the morning. I said can I get a can of Pepsi out of the vending machine just quickly as I hadn’t had any soft drink in soooo long. It was hard no. She did my obs and checked Chester with the Doppler she kept complaining how hard it was to find him as it was such an early gestation but for a fleeting 3 seconds, I heard the gallop of his fluttering heart. And everything was okay.

I was woken up abruptly the next morning at who knows what time. At this point, I lost track of days time and distance. The doctors said your ultrasound to check on my little nugget won’t be today as it was a too high risk of infecting people with my nonexistent covid. They left just as quickly as they had presented.

I just broke I have no idea how long I was crying for it was grief it was something between a scream and a moan it was so loud I had to drown out my own thoughts I had to drown out everything. I pressed the call buttons who knows how many times no one ever came.

I passed out. I was then woken again by a stranger covered head to toe in white there were no eyes no smile no humanity. She did my obs and said are you ready for your covid swab? I begged I had had no symptoms a negative test. She said it doesn’t matter you need to test clear for our safety. I said what happens if I refuse, she said your situation won’t change it will just prolong your stay. I opened my mouth with tears streaming down my face I have a pretty strong gag reflex but there were a few dry heaves. Then the nose she said I’ll be gentle I was just hanging to my thoughts of Matthew and Chester. She did one nostril and the pain was unbearable every nerve ending in my body was burning from emotion the psychical pain was just something I couldn’t cope with. The masked woman said you need to calm down it’s not good for you and baby. She asked are you ready for the other nostril, breathing through snot tears and pain I said if I refuse will I be made to take it again if there is a negative result. She said no, I said, in that case, you're not touching me. I’m not entirely sure what happened next I think at that point I stopped calling family as I couldn’t bear to see the pain in their faces or in their voice. I just kept saying be strong, bubs needs you to be strong right now. I don’t remember much from the interactions from those midwives that day. I do know that I started to develop a migraine as I had not had proper caffeine in close to 24 hours. There was another angel that day who said if you need anything to buzz me as you cannot leave this room. I said all I want is a can of coke and I’ll be able to survive the day. The midwives I could hear were run off there feet so many met calls for other mums every time I pressed the buzzer it was a good half hour to an hour to get service. Then came changeover I had a new midwife, my angel didn’t come through and the migraine started to become unbearable. Then she opened the door she said I didn’t forget about you. Look after yourself she took off her mask and smiled, it was an act of pure empathy and humanity.

I had been referred to my next angel the social work rainbow that came from pain and clouds. Rainbow* you saved my mind that day. You sat with me for over 2 hours listening. We swapped stories of our social work careers which were eerily similar. We talked about maternity social work and how horrible it can be and how unfair the world is. She then said she was off to do the paperwork for Matthew to stay the night when he tests negative the first exemption The hospital had to learn to deal with.

Then one of the best phone calls of my life came through it was Matt I could hear his smile from a mile away he had tested negative. I cried with joy a deep love.

Later that night my blood pressure plummeted I was faint tired and had barely eaten or drank any fluid.

The doctor said we need to hydrate you right now and ordered IV fluids

I demanded they did not the vein in my elbow as it was always the most painful IV vein he tried twice. I came very very close to passing out and giving up but I stayed awake and strong I downed some orange juice. He said the vein he found had collapsed and he would try the other arm I again said do not touch my elbow. Again he stuck in the canular needle and once again the vein collapsed. I went numb, I have an intense fear of needles but my blood pressure continued to plummet from the stress and pain. A second midwife gave it a try yet again they found a vein it didn’t produce enough blood. I remained steadfast you are not to touch the painful vein every doctor and midwife saying how much easier it would be. Now at this point, they brought in someone who never fails..... she spent a good ten minutes analyzing my arms finally stuck me number 4 she was in and then the vein once again collapsed.

I was so tired and delirious she talked me into the painful vein. Such regret for that moment.

She was gentle it was by a bit tender but not painful.

My iv fluids went in and I quickly started feeling better my bp came back up. They wrapped my arm and left me to rest. I don’t recall much else not sure if I slept. I believe it was a video call with my angels of a blended family my Matthew, my sons mum and Chesters brother and nanny. I was so happy just to hear My bonus son giggle and say he’s silly quirks I was floored how much he had grown in just over a week.

Sleep was not my friend that night the canula started to burn it started to ache and I started to just give in to the pain and let the panic take hold I just lay there hyperventilating and just giving in to the pain. Again the head midwife entered who knows what she looked like I knew she was older, I was so so weak and I begged and begged for her to take out the IV I started to lose it. She said to stop being silly it doesn’t hurt that bad I’ll flush it and you’ll be okay. You need to get it together. She broke a boundary she rubbed my belly and said you need to stay calm for the baby.

She bandaged me up and said okay shall we listen to the baby? I was so happy to hear those words just connecting to the little miracle in my uterus. He played up a treat she said sounds like there’s fluid in there and you hear the gushing? Hope-filled my heart and then I heard him hiccup I slept well that night even though I was writhing in pain from the IV

I sat there rolled up in my maternity pillow and therapy blanket and I’m not a religious person but I sat there cried and prayed I said Hail Marys our fathers I begged and pleaded with the universe, I promised I would do anything to keep my child. I was a good person I helped people, I am kind I am generous. How could God take my baby from me when my abusive ex who had threatened to kill me and any new partner I fell in love with, strangled me several times held a knife to my throat had a perfectly healthy child. I begged I pleaded I prayed. At the end of this stay, god religion whatever you believe does not exist there is no fairness. I just cling to love and joy family good friends and life.

Again like doctors do they banged on my room for rounds stated you will be going for your ultrasound in an hour. I didn’t comprehend anything they said to me the midwife entered the room just a mask and kind eyes and I said what is going on? She said did the doctors not tell you? Your covid test is negative and there ready for you to come down to ultrasound to see nugget boy. I called Matthew tears of pure joy running down my face.

The PCA collected me in a wheelchair I just couldn't find the energy to walk. It was the young woman’s first day and she had no idea where ultrasound was, I said don’t worry I got you to let’s go.

I arrived and waiting an hour for the ultrasound that was ready for me know. I asked reception for a mask from politeness to others couldn't give two shits about anything as I was negative for the dumb virus anyway.

Finally called into ultrasound. I stated to the tech can I call my partner, she said I’ll talk to my supervisor, came back 5 minutes later and said only for the first 2 minutes, I just politely said Thankyou and dialled. The second the machine hit my stomach I saw him I had no idea what I was looking at it was just like a car that had been crushed into a cube I knew it was bad when the tech went quiet and left the room. Matt and I sat there in silence quiet tears running down my face we knew it was bad. The tech returned with the more senior tech, at that moment I was a thing an object they talked amongst themselves about how there was no fluid there was no clear vision of anything. But yet there was his little fluttering heart. He was still going strong.

It was long painful ultrasound bursitis and arthritis in my hips was near unbearable I was just so sensitive to pain which is not something I’m used too I normally can barely feel a thing until I’m at level 8 or 9 levels of pain and even then it’s hard to get me to take pain killers. Matthew and I stayed silent he said I will shower waiting for the doctor.

I went to the toilet and in seconds I could hear my name being called I ran out and went with my next angel The high-risk OB (HROB*)She sat me down and even with all her PPE I knew that look it’s as obvious as a deer in headlights. I paused and said before we start I need to call Matthew. He had jumped in the shower so it took him some time to respond. HROB started I’m so sorry.... that was all I needed to hear I don’t remember the words said next but Matthew has called back. HROB said I won’t say much more until Matthew was there as decisions needed to be made for our child. I had tears again I was out of breath I couldn't catch my breath with the goddamn mask on HROB gave me a minute as I had snot flying everywhere. I said can Matthew please please stay more than 2 hours she said no the government and police make those rules. I could barely stand

HROB asked someone I have no idea who but they basically held me up while walking back to the ward. Just waiting for the elevator I fell to the ground trying to get my breath.

I have no idea how but I made it to level 7 I said to the midwife wait for me I’m going to the fucking vending machine

I was taken back to my room which now I could move freely in and out of. Matthew knocked and the sense of love and relief I had at the moment was indescribable. We just sat down and held each other for hours no words needed to be said. At that point, there were no words.

Rainbow knocked she was so much more beautiful without the lab suit on.

She said I’ve got 10 minutes as I am now running up to my office Matthew you will stay the night I promise you.

Hours went by and then 3.30 came

HROB walked in we arranged the room.

The news was something no parent no human wants to hear.

Bubs our little peanut, nugget bean had a 1-5% chance of having completely normal anatomy and a normal or healthy quality of life.

The next sentence I’m sure nearly killed Matthew right then and there. HROB said bubs had 4 more days to go till viability. But with every second he was safe in my tummy it became more and more dangerous for me. The next words I don’t remember and I still can’t imagine the power. She said if you go into labour bubs would not live. And then if I got an infection I would only have a very small chance of survival many women quickly end up in ICU with sepsis and can die within minutes. She said if any tiny hint of infection set in we would not be given a choice. She made me promise if infection set in I would not refuse treatment and induction as bubs would 100% not survive and if I refused neither would I. It’s was Wednesday I think at that point. HROB left us to hopefully make the decision between a mother’s health and babies life. Of course, my instinct was baby. I asked Matthew he couldn't answer but I knew the look in his eyes and what it meant.

Matthew and I needed the connection we needed family we needed his son my beautiful bonus son. And they all answered it was the silver lining in a fucked up time bonus sons’ hiccups had my near in tears he sounded just like his brother's little hiccups. He was so happy to see daddy and cag cag ( his name for me) his smile lit up my heart and I just felt love just for a little while everything was okay. But then I saw my face in the camera view I started to get pale, I got pale, I pushed to stay on the phone as I just wanted to hold onto hope and joy. But then I fell behind Matthew and passed out in pain.

Not 2 hours later the choice was taken away I started to cramp, it came on thick and fast. The most intense pain I’ve ever felt. Whole-body convulsions I was rolling over and over again punching things screaming a primal scream that I didn’t recognize.

It was a blur from there for me the one memory I do have was Matthew pressing the buzzer furiously running up and down the halls trying to find someone to help finally they took a preemptive blood test ordered by a midwife. And then the morphine injection.

I had never seen my partner so angry so bossy, so in control. The young midwife just kept asking if I was ready.

Matthew lost it and said just do it she can’t talk she’s in pain just do it!

That injection felt like it went through my entire thigh through the other side. Matthew stated that the way I pulled away I nearly snapped the needle off into my thigh.

But then it’s was a blur I do recall the midwife coming in and stating there was an infection that had set in but it was mild and there was still hope.

We were moved to the assessment centre not long later.

Matthew passed out on the couch I was high as a kite on morphine and I just wanted cuddles and he said cass I need rest.

I spent much of my time with the international midwives guessing their accents apparently I did well. Then in passed out from being so tired.

Sleep evaded me as I discovered that morphine started to make me hallucinate. I was having night terrors quite frequently.

Finally, the morphine wore off and then the hunger kicked in

The midwife offered me the Doppler I said there’s no point it’s too painful.

Upon reflection he must have passed at this point as the vegemite craving kicked in all I wanted was a strong desire for vegemite sandwiches.

Then the moment came, the pain was starting to settle in but I was denied pain killers as I had to be clear-headed to sign my consent to induction.

One of the most delirious moments of my life one of trauma and sadness and even though this is just so new I still feel like I sentenced my darling Boy to death. I screamed I yelled I cried, I punched the bed. The pain started to set in again

Matthew said please let me sign it but as it was my body I had to.

I just couldn't do it I couldn't terminate my miracle child the child I was told I could never have conceived naturally.

Then Matt held me tight he begged and begged and cried he said you promised. bubs is gone I can’t lose both of you.

HROB just got frank she said I need to go but your choice is you sign this piece of paper or instead of losing one life we are losing two.

It took everything in me to go against every human value I hold dear but I signed.

I was then given more endone so I could relax.

I was rushed to the birthing suite by wheelchair, I couldn't stand on my own two feet let alone walk.

It was a fast process they said you have time for lunch so ordered as many dumplings as I desired. They came at me with that fucking canula again 3 pokes later I said go away I do not give you consent to touch me if I have to have IV antibiotics for 48 hours I will not spend it crying from a nasty painful IV

the dumplings arrived and they said it’s time hop on the bed we are inducing you. They said you will have plenty of time to eat. 3 times the usual dose they said we will increase the dose again in 3 hours.

I started on the dumplings I had been craving all day. I had 3

The pain came on thick, fast and nasty.

First was an endone tablet it worked as well as panadol. Then I was given the gas it worked for about the first 3 contractions they were not very far apart. I was right side up to upside down there was no comfortable position. The gas was just making me giddy and slowed my breathing I started getting angry all I wanted was time to eat I was starving. I pulled my shoulder trying to rip the bed rail off the bed. And then after a little, while I was ready I have no idea if I was dilated to the full but the midwife set the toilet up so I could sit and relax and push and there were towels to catch baby I had the gas and I had to be forced to take breathes as I just wanted to be high. I looked at myself in the mirror I looked tired but I could still see the strength in myself. Then the last few contractions hit and he didn't take long.

Bubs was breech and I cannot describe the feeling of giving birth there are no words.

I was moved to the bed to relax and give the final push it took mere seconds and he was out

The most heartwarming words came out of Matthews's mouth. Cassie, it’s a boy

High from the gas, I had a short break and then got to hold my darling boy in my arms

There are no words for the love I felt

Matthew and I looked at each other and said it’s our little Chester.

#birth story #stillborn #child death tw #controversial #pregnancy

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ververa · 4 years

Text

Secret

Okay, so the ending is terrible. Actually, it’s all terrible, but hope you enjoy it <3

Ally Mayfair-Richards x Reader

Words: 2.613

Request: The reader is Oz’s babysitter and has a crush on his mum. Once reader confesses to him about it. He promises he won’t tell anyone, but he does...

You felt ashamed. You wished the earth would swallow you up. And why? Because you fell in love. It wasn’t anything extraordinary. It happens to people all the time and it’s nothing bad. Though, she wasn’t just a random person you met. She was your boss. You weren’t prepared for it.And it should have never happened.

Why it had to be her? Why it couldn’t be someone your age? Someone with whom you would actually have a chance? Your life was just fucked. You were screwed up. That was the only explanation for your falling for no other than the mayor – Ally Mayfair-Richards. The mother of the kid you’re babysitting. The most intelligent and the strongest woman you had ever met. The most beautiful and caring human being in the world. The one you got the privilege to be around. But you weren’t allowed to fall in love with her. You weren’t supposed to feel like that, yet you did.

The worst was probably that you were seeing her everyday and were well aware that she didn’t even noticed you, because you’re no one important.

She was most likely seeing you as nothing more, but still a kid – even though you’re a grown up woman. Well, you were young. Very young actually. You could be as well Oz’s sister. But your mind was well beyond your years and everyone knew that. Though still, nobody – especially the one you cared about the most didn’t notice you. And you’re suffering as if love was some kind of illness.

You were over your head. You got no strength at all, because of the state you were in. And you knew you fell too far that time. Every time she was around your knees were weak and your mouth couldn’t speak. She always got you so nervous that you weren’t able to form any coherent sentences. So to save yourself awkward situations you didn’t say anything. You’re almost afraid that if she gets too close to you, you may lose your mind. You’re already lost in everything about her. Could it get any worse? You were sure she must think you’re mute or insane, but at least Oz liked you.

He was a great kid and sine you were basically living with them, he became your best friend. And maybe that was the exact reason for you opening up to him. You held your secret in your heart for quite some time. And hiding it was harder than you thought, so when he caught you staring at his mother you knew you’re screwed.

“You’re staring” he stated

“What?”

“You are looking at my mum, aren’t you?”

“What?! Pff, of course I’m not… Are you insane?” you rolled your eyes

“Yeah. Probably I’m. What would you ever see in her?”

“What?! Oh come on, she’s amazing! Beautiful, funny, smart-” you stopped as you realised what you just said

“You like her, don’t you?”

You sighed

“Is it that obvious?”

“Yeah!”

“Can you keep a secret?” you asked looking at him hopefully

The boy hesitated and you could feel how your heart slows down.

“I can” Oz answered finally

“Thank you”

“But-”

“Here we go” you shook your head

“I want to go to that huge trampoline gym. Please, please, Y/N. Can we go there tomorrow?”

“Uhh, fine”

“Yes!” he said excitedly

“But now, it’s time for sleep”

“But-”

“No. There’s no but. If you want to go there tomorrow you need to rest”

“But-”

“Oz, no. It’s late. You should have already been asleep. Do you want me to be in trouble?”

“Well, no… but...”

You looked at him with a serious face expression.

“I just wanted to say it would be really cool if you and my mum would be together”

“Oh…” you could feel a blush forming on your face

“What are you two arguing about?” you heard that melodious voice and immediately stood up

“I… um… we…” you stuttered

“Y/N said it’s time to bed” Oz said for you

“I see” she said examining both of you

“Okay, Oz. It’s time for us”

“Goodnight, mum” he said hugging Ally

“Goodnight, Ozzy” she kissed his forehead “Sleep well”

You took Oz to his room and when he finally fall asleep, you thought it would be a good time for you to study. You’re both working and studying at the same time, but you somehow managed to do both at the same time.

You couldn’t really learn at your room, so you went down to the living room. Though you stopped seeing Ally was there watching the news. You’re ready to turn back and escape as you always did. Though she managed to notice you before you had a chance to do anything.

“Y/N? I thought you’re asleep as well”

“I… No. I was going to study a little… I’ll just go…”

Ally watched you in silence for a few seconds. She found your being shy funny and appealing at the same time. Besides you looked cute dressed in your shorts and oversized T-shirt.

“You don’t need to go. You can stay. I don’t mind and I can turn the TV down if you want to study” she said; her eyes not leaving you even for a while

“O-okay” you smiled awkwardly

You sat down on the sofa in a safe distance from the woman. Ally smirked carefully observing your moves.

You always seemed so nervous around her, almost as if you were afraid of her.

“You can sit closer, I won’t bite you” she joked “I mean not until you want me to”

“What?” your eyes widened

“I’m just kidding” she laughed at your reaction

You tried hard to focus on your books, but you just couldn’t. She was too close and she looked so good. She always looked beautiful to you, but seeing her dressed in a pink blouse, sweats and with a glass of wine it was impossible not to stare.

Though you managed to study a little bit. As you managed to read a few chapters the news ended. Instead some film began.

Ally was about turning off the TV, but when she turned back to discreetly look at you – you’re watching it, so she stayed there too. She watched you – highly focused on the movie, until you realised you’re supposed to study. For which you chid yourself immediately

“What the fuck, Y/N? You have to learn” you whispered to yourself

Ally smiled at how adorable you were, but said nothing – knowing you would most likely shy away.

“You know” she started “I’ve been thinking lately. You’re working so hard and studying. You should take a break and rest. I mean not now of course. I know it’s impossible in the middle of the semester. But with Oz we’re leaving for holidays. I thought that maybe you’d like to go with us?”

You looked at her shocked.

“I-I…” you stuttered

“You don’t have to answer now. Take your time”

You nodded smiling shyly.

“May I see what you’re reading?” she asked after a while

“Of course” you wanted to pass her the book, but before you moved Ally was already next to you

She was sitting close enough for you to smell her perfume. You closed your eyes, just for a moment, inhaling the sweet scent.

“So, what are you reading about?”

Her soft voice brought you back to earth.

“Umm… Phobias”

“Oh, that’s interesting…”

“Hell, it is! Did you know that phobias may be memories passed down through generations in DNA?!” you asked excitedly

Before you knew you began to tell her all about it. And Ally was impressed by your knowledge. She also found it incredibly adorable. Your eyes were literally sparkling as you’re talking about other psychological issues and research you had learned about. When you’re finally done talking you just sat there and watched the movie. You’re so tired that you didn’t even know when, you fell asleep. As you did your head slumped on Ally’s shoulder. She was surprised at first, but then she looked at you and smiled to herself. You were so calm when you’re asleep.

She carefully took a blanket and wrapped up both of you. She then gently embraced you and shifted to a more comfortable position. Your face twitched, but you didn’t wake up. Instead you absent-mindedly nuzzled up to her. You being so clingy in your sleep was so cute, that she couldn’t help but smile even wider. It’d been a while since she was so close with someone. And you weren’t even together…

That’s when a thought of what she may do to you crossed her mind. Also, that’s when she realised how much you’re doing for her and Oz.

You’re supposed to look after her son only, but you’re actually taking care of them both. You learned to cook, so that she didn’t have to. You’re always making sure she had a proper meal even when she was busy. It hit her how many times you brought her a cup of coffee or tea while she was spending hours working. Or how the whole house was always so clean, because you’re tidying up. You had a lot on your plate, yet you’re always ready to help her.

Ally looked at you once again. She couldn’t wake you up, so she helped you lie down on the sofa. Surprisingly, you didn’t wake up even then. So, after making sure you’re comfortable, she lay down next to you – spooning you from behind.

Ally woke up first. Since it’s Saturday and she didn’t need to work, she decided to make breakfast for the three of you.

“Mum! Did you see Y/N?” Oz shouted entering the kitchen

“Shhh!” she chid him “She’s still asleep in the living room”

“Oh…” the boy looked at you sleeping on the couch “Did you sleep here too?”

“W-what?”

“Mum, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure”

“Do you like Y/N?”

“Of course, I do”

“But I mean… Do you like her the way you liked mum?”

Ally’s eyes widened in shock.

“What? W-why are you asking?”

“Can you keep a secret?”

“Yes”

“Because” he started making sure you’re asleep “She likes you” the boy whispered

“Of course she does. I’m not that bad as a boss, am I?”

“No!”

“Not that loud. You’re wake her up”

“She thinks you’re beautiful, smart and funny. And she’s always looking at you and she…”

“Okay. Okay. Enough. I know you like her, but you shouldn’t make up such things, okay? She’s here because I’m paying her and that’s the only reason for which she may like me”

“Actually, you only pay her for looking after me, but she’s always doing more. Like she’s doing everything? And I didn’t make it up! She told me!” he huffed and went upstairs

Ally watched as her son leaves. He’s so much her child. But that thought was soon gone and all that she could think about was you.

She knew you’re doing more than you’re expected. But she believed it’s because you’re just a nice and caring person. She had never thought it may have been because you fell for her. That seemed so unrealistic, yet she found herself smiling like an idiot all the time since her morning talk with Oz.

It’d been quite some time since she went on a proper date or even thought about it. However, she started to think about it. She started to think about you actually.

You and Oz were out, cause as you had promised you took him to that huge trampoline gym. So, since you weren’t home Ally figured out that might be her chance to make a move and properly asked you about your feelings. She bought flowers and was preparing dinner, when Oz called her and ask to come and pick you two up.

Ally immediately knew something was wrong, as you usually come back on your own. So, she got there as soon as possible only to find you sitting outside the building sitting on the bench with an ice bag put on your leg.

“What happened?” she asked with a concern

“Nothing” you answered quickly, but soon were cut off by Oz

“A guy bumped into Y/N, then she fell down and injured her leg”

“I’m fine, thank you Oz!”

“Are you sure, honey?” Ally asked when you stood up

You looked at her. Did she just call you “honey”?

“No, no, I’m fine. Totally fine… Yeah. No, I’m fine”

“You sure? Because you’re repeating your words, you look pale and you look like you’re about to faint”

“I… Yeah…” you said suddenly feeling dizzy “You might wanna catch me”

The last thing you remembered when you woke up in a hospital – was you toppling over and Ally catching you.

“W-what happened?” you asked trying to sit down

“No, no, no. You’re not allowed to move” Ally soothed approaching you

“What? Why?”

“Because your ankle is broken and a concussion. You need to stay in hospital for the night”

“What… What about Oz?”

“Don’t worry. He’s okay. He’s staying at his friend’s tonight”

“O-okay” you said slowly remembering what happened “Wait. Why?”

“What why?” she asked with a small smile

“Why is he staying at his friend’s?”

“Because I want to be here with you” she stated taking your hand

“Y-you don’t have to. Really. I’ll be fine”

“I know” she smiled “But I want to”

Your mind was speeding now. She called you ‘honey’, she was holding your hand and was about staying with you in the hospital… Something was definitely going on. You weren’t sure what exactly and the pain made it pretty hard to think, but you could only hope it wasn’t what you thought.

“Are you okay with that?” she asked softly

“Y-yeah. I mean yes”

“Good, cause I think we need to talk”

“Talk?”

“Yes”

“Talk about what?”

“Well, can you keep a secret?”

And that’s when you knew you’re screwed.

“Mrs Mayfair-Richards… I mean Ally… I-I...” you’re too nervous to form a coherent sentence

But Ally was ready to help you. She smiled caressing your cheek. Her touch was so gentle. Her skin was so soft and warm that you just gave in. She was close. Again. So close that you could… kiss her.

Her hot breath on your sensitive skin made your shiver. She smiled caressing your cheek and putting a strand of your hair behind your ear. She carefully moved your broken leg, so that she could be even closer, but wouldn’t cause you any more pain.

She was looking deep in your eyes and she completely got lost in them. Yet she noticed you’re scared and tensed up.

“Are you alright?” she asked

You nodded looking at her perfect lips. And that was all Ally needed to smile and kiss you.

The first kiss was gentle. Her lips barely touched yours, as if she was afraid that if she acted too rapidly you would get scared and ran away. Which actually was impossible, because of your broken leg, but she just didn’t want to rush things.

Ally slowly pulled away and smirked at how you’re leaning towards her.

“So desperate, aren’t we?” she hummed

You blushed fiercely and almost completely stopped moving.

“Oh, no. Don’t shy away, baby”

You blushed even more at the nickname.

“He told you, didn’t he?”

“He did” she nodded

You rolled your eyes.

“Little traitor”

Ally chuckled

“Well, now, that I know your secret… I think we have pretty much to catch up on” she smirked leaning in again

And damn it’s so good that you didn’t even feel the pain any more. Maybe that little betrayal wasn’t that bad after all?

Tag list:

@misssmephisto @cakexblankett @cordwliagoode @tasyahilker @mysweetdelia

#ally mayfair richards #ally mayfair richards x reader #ahs imagine #ahs cult #sarah paulson imagine

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neshabeingchildish · 4 years

Text

League of Extraordinary Geniuses || Chapter 5

Mika, as developed in Mika Provides will be a background character, after all, I’ve decided. Check that out for a refresher or a first time read, if you wanna. It’ll highlight why she’s here, because I don’t know that I’ll be mentioning that much in this story. @kiddangers @sevenseashigh @junknstu1f @just-a-j-reallly @famousflowermagazine @verified-dumbass I am once again asking that you let me know if I’m not supposed to tag you to this.

Android Paranoid

The first few days were quiet as they monitored the obvious confusion of androids processing things without the innate obligation to remain dutiful to their owners. Chase was working on his video game. Max was working on processing twin powers into bionic chips. Charlotte was looking over the plans for a test of intelligence unaffected by standardized privilege. This was one of the hardest things she had ever done, because she knew that even her ability and history with receiving and interpreting information had been highly influenced by social convention. Androids were better at this, but they too were built by humans who were fallible. She was mumbling under her breath when she heard Chase say, "Just make billions of tests"

"That's impractical…" she said, over her shoulder, thought a moment, then asked, "Have you got the time?"

"I'll make the time," he said, smiling brightly at her. She winked and he blushed. Max… noticed, but he felt like he and Chase had definitely had enough budding of heads already and decided to just catalog it away and keep his eye on that guy. The truth was that Max was not a very patient person. Biding his time and waiting his turn were things that felt both uncomfortable and boring to do, therefore, if he couldn’t figure out ways to get to someplace quick, the goal lost its appeal and he moved on to other goals… This had NOT been the case with Charlotte.

Oh, he wanted it to be. He wanted to move forward, forget his emotions and never intended to pine, at all… But. He just couldn’t. Maybe she would never want to be with him, but that didn’t stop him from having to make sure that she was as happy and safe as he could from inside of her life. It didn’t stop him from falling or being in love with her and he was pretty sure that nothing would, whether or not it ever became a discussion again. He was forever wounded from the time whenever it DID become a conversation, and he sort of wished that he had handled it better at the time. He also wished that she had known better, too. He would never admit it, but a part of him had been waiting for her to come to her senses… waiting for her to see that he could be what they previously agreed that he wouldn’t be able to.

Chase threw him a glare and asked, “WHAT? What are you staring at?”

Max only realized just then that Chase had been within his line of vision while he was thinking. “Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not THAT good looking. I was in my own head.”

“THAT good looking?” Charlotte repeated with a smile. Max narrowed his eyes at her, but he was smirking, so she knew he wasn’t mad. Chase, on the other hand seemed quite flustered as he stammered over words and said that he was going to get back to work.

After about three days, the androids began to reach out to her. Androids were used to guidance, but they had the freedom to move on… BUT, then again… These technically were only a few years old. She arranged a meeting for them and Chase and Max escorted her to the site.

Her protege, Mika, was already there and speaking with the androids whenever they arrived. “Charlotte!” She cheered, excused herself from the androids and rushed over, “It’s been extremely hectic today. There has been multiple reports to Davenport Industries about defective androids and Mr. Davenport told me that if I don’t get you on the phone with him within the hour, he is going to shut them all down!” She laughed nervously and wrung her hands. “Donald. Davenport. Yelled at me today! Do you know what is happening with the androids?”

“I do. And, I’ll call the Dom while Chase catches you up,” Charlotte began tapping on her wrist and walked off.

Mika smiled at Chase. She had A HUGE crush on him, but he saw her as a little kid, and she was pretty small, but he wasn’t a large person himself, and she was young, but she was extremely smart and very mature, she felt for her age and… “Oh my God, I am so sorry! I didn’t hear a word that you said!” She admitted, wincing.

“Did the sound of your fawning drown him out?” Max teased. She glared at him, knowing that her face was slightly darker with the blood rushing through her veins. “It’s like this, Loudmouth, Charlotte freed the androids to make Jamaica better, and if all goes well, she’s gonna liberate androids all over the world.”

Her face was frozen as she stared at him, processing his words and stuck in place.

“That’s not what we agreed to tell her. Now, she’s faced with having to tell on us or be an accessory!”

“RELAX. It’s Mika. She’s not gonna tell. She knows Char’s a good person, she has the hots for you, and she’s like… if I had a little sister who annoys me as much as my twin sister. When she snaps back to reality, she’ll deal with it.”

“She shouldn’t have to deal with it, because it was supposed to be between the three of us,” Chase said through his teeth before scanning Mika. “She’s in shock. Are you happy now?”

Max rolled his eyes and whispered to Mika, “Chase thinks you’re the smartest non-bionic girl he’s ever met…”

“WHAT?” She said. Max was about to repeat the lie, but she continued, “CHARLOTTE HAS BASICALLY UNPLUGGED THE ANDROIDS?”

“Basically,” Max said with nonchalant confidence and Chase said reluctantly.

“Hooooooooh my God…” Mika said and waded through nothing in front of her but tense air to make her way to a seat.

“Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her,” Max said. Chase just fumed, but a call was coming through, so he walked off too while Charlotte was coming back. Max would have to explain this Mika freak out.

Chase answered the call and it was Donald. “Chase! Thank GOD I reached you!”

“Mr. Davenport… is there an emergency? I’ve sort of went on a spontaneous trip with some friends…”

Donald laughed for a bit, then sobered up and said, “Oh. You’re serious. Okay. Well, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to cut it short. I need you to go to Jamaica and oversee an incident that Charlotte has.”

“Oh? Yes. Sure. I can do that. No problem…”

“You’re in Jamaica, aren’t you?”

“Charlotte is one of very few friends I have and everyone knows this,” Chase said.

“Well, she really screwed the pooch with her most recent launch of android models. Businesses are threatening to withdrawn MILLIONS from us because of it. All of the droids are defected and I tried to shut them down, but can’t. You’ll have to figure out a way.”

“What if there isn’t a way?” Chase asked.

“There’d better be. Or the Smartest Woman in the World will have to get off of her pedestal.”

“What if they aren’t defected? If they’ve just decided that they shouldn’t have to be slaves…”

“They’re androids, Chase. We decide for them with a few buttons and wires. Now! Fix Charlotte's mistake and honestly, we might need to rethink you spending time with her.” Chase furrowed his eyebrows, forced a smile and hung up.

It was gonna be a hard time when Mr. Davenport realized that he was in on this.

Davenport Industries lost A TON of money from this, but Charlotte didn’t seem the least bit worried about Davenport ruining her in response. In fact, she seemed pretty settled that she was about to become very popular and well respected for this. A lot of the businesses in Jamaica were being sold off to other companies and many resorts and such were cutting their losses. The idea of islands full of unpredictable androids was terrifying. That was much scarier than possibly going into a bad neighborhood and being treated like an outsider. Tourists started fleeing. Expats started reconsidering. Charlotte started rebuilding.

There were androids trying to figure out their purpose, now that they could, and this was a beautiful place to figure it out. But… also… They all had numerous skills. And they required some maintenance, but Charlotte and Mika made rounds speaking to elders and politicians and citizens to see what things they might be able to help with and find androids that were willing to help out in exchange for help with their maintenance.

After some of them found work and others boarded the ship back to the mainlands, to where Charlotte promised to help them out, Chase used this as a time to convince Mr. Davenport that it was good for business to take credit for this turnaround.

That whatever issues they had with the androids, He could say that he made the situation better and Charlotte would remain out of the narrative and continue to fix this for him. “I know losing money is tough, but you’ve got so much already and well… Do you want to lose all that money AND your reputation?” When all else failed, Chase knew he could probably intercede on Charlotte’s behalf with Tasha… but, Davenport agreed that it was better not to draw more attention to the failures and to quietly fix this.

Charlotte was unbothered. Jamaica was on the verge of healing and the androids on the ship would be able to go wherever they chose to.

Max and Charlotte were relaxing whenever Chase returned from his dealings with Davenport. “You two look at ease.”

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Max asked. Charlotte just made a face.

“I feel like we got lucky with this. Until we’ve been able to find placements for the androids, should we proceed with setting more free? Like… can we logistically pull it off?”

“We are the people who can logistically pull off anything,” Max said. “We’ve got the smartest man, the smartest woman and an extremely smart, handsome, powerful superhuman. We’ve all had moments where nobody else but us was gonna figure out what to do. With our combined strengths and intellects…”

“We’ve got androids in the process of freeing other androids either remotely, or headed for missions,” Charlotte said smiling.

“Have we forgotten about the hysteria of humanity?” Chase asked.

“We’ve got stuff in the process of combating that, too…” She pulled up a hologram from her wrist of all of the wonderful progress that the Jamaica androids were making in helping things. Mika was collecting hours and hours of positive footage in the event that opposition began to voice opinions.

Chase sat down and relaxed with them. Max passed him a glass, which he suspiciously looked at. “It’s a virgin daiquiri, Dude.” Chase accepted it, knowing that Charlotte would stop him if it wasn’t and took a sip. It was pretty delicious. Max picked up his own glass and lifted it, “To…”“Us,” Charlotte said. Both of them smiled at her, having very different imaginings of what “us” was, but agreeing, nonetheless. “To us!” They said and clanked glasses.

It took a few weeks for things to get the level of hectic that they expected. Chase had gone back to Elite Force. Max had gone back to T Force. Mika was almost wishing she was back in Danger Force, but GOD, being android liaison was an assignment that she had not anticipated receiving. Then again, it was giving her an opportunity to both show her linguistics expertise and also her political aspirations.

Before she went to college, she knew a couple of languages, but she wanted to learn more of them. She initially wanted to be a global superhero. Charlotte was. Max was. Chase was. She knew some pretty powerful people thanks to this job, but whenever she became Dystress’ sidekick and Charlotte’s pupil, Charlotte helped her to realize that putting herself directly in danger wasn’t the only aspect of heroism and that people with minds like theirs could save the world from a desk if they worked hard enough and felt passionately enough.

Because of that, no matter where they went or relocated, the first thing that she and Charlotte did was get desks. It was a little bit of a ritual, a little bit of a reminder. That no matter what role they would work, they’d be heroes because of their great minds and the greater good that they believed in.

Mika was at her desk whenever she heard the loud sound of something coming towards them. She rushed out of her office and saw what she could only guess was a... TORPEDO??? It was coming right for them and all she could do was cover her eyes and SCREAM!

The scream sent a huge wave towards the thing that she simply just knew for a few moments was about to make it explode right in her face, but instead it sent the torpedo back from whence it came and blew up the jet that launched it. Fiery wreckage fell into the water and she covered her chest with both hands in terror and shock.

She heard some of the bystanders speaking in patois and debating on what they had just seen. She answered to let them know that they were attacked, but were safe, for now. They hadn’t expected her to be able to sound like them. She was very clearly not from there, even though she tried to fit in and she knew that at least a few had to have seen her use her superpowers.

“Charlotte, we have a huge problem. Someone just tried to attack the android safe house, and I’m pretty sure that Shoutout killed them.”

“Are YOU okay, Mika?” Charlotte asked.

“I’m... shocked. Who would do this? A super villain?” Mika wondered.

“I wish. Super villains are easy to fight. This was very likely the government, or some sort of agency. See what androids you can round up to go on a search and rescue. I’m on my way back.” Charlotte lowered her head and muttered an affirmation. “You were right. You are right. And you will fight for what’s right, and you will win.” Moments later, she sent texts to Max and Chase, just to let them know.

Both of them arrived roughly the same time. Max with Billy and Chase with Bree. Bree and Billy looked at each other, then, before anyone could say anything, they were in a competition. Max catalogued the thought that whenever non supes were less terrible, they could create some sort of games where bionics verses supers. Charlotte walked out to her jet to see them, still in their hero suits and with nothing additional. “What are you two doing here? You should get as far away from this failure as possible.” She had one bag with her, either like she was going on a very short trip, or she didn’t expect to make it back.

“I don’t believe that you think this is a failure,” Max said, shaking his head. “You freed androids all over the globe in a matter of weeks.

“And somebody sent assassins to blow them up. I could’ve gotten a 20 year olf kid killed.”

“Mika’s not gonna die. She’s too smart!” Max said, trying to play off his own worry. “Come on. Let’s get into it. I resigned from T Force to help you.”

“You resigned?” Chase asked.

“Yeah, yeah... I know. Irresponsible and unthinkable, yadda yadda...” Max started.

“No... I quit too. I... had to see this through.” He reached for one of Charlotte’s hands and Max reached for the other. “To us,” Chase whispered and both of them squeezed her hands before they headed in to make sense of what had happened to Mika in Jamaica.

#Henry Danger #Lab Rats #The Thundermans #Chasing Thunderbolts Fic #League of Extraordinary Geniuses #LOEG Update #Nesha Fics #Multiverse Fics

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mythopoeticreality · 4 years

Text

Okay. Alright. I’ve been trying to figure out how to put all of these thoughts into words for the past couple of days now, and I thiiink I‘ve gotten this into a place where I can communicate it all clearly? (you know rather than a flailing keyboard smash about Norrell and Strange and John Uskglass xD) Sooo....yeah. Time for some more rambling about the Raven King? Time for some more rambling about the Raven King!

Something that I’ve wondered a lot over the years I’ve spent writing and roleplaying as John Uskglass has been his attitude towards Fairy Abductions. In the book, just before Strange and Norrell summon the Raven King one of Norrell’s objections to the entire plan is this: “What will he care about two lost women? You are thinking of John Uskglass as if he was an ordinary man. I mean a man like you or me. He was brought up and educated in Faerie. The ways of the brugh were natural to him and most brughs contained captive Christians -- he was one himself. It will not seem so extraordinary to him. He will not understand.”

In essence here, Norrell is basically saying, ‘John Uskglass will not care’ and I can’t help but feel that his words are more of a refection on himself and his own still lingering attitudes towards the Raven King. I mean, the last time Norrell and Strange spoke together, didn’t Norrell just outright say it? “Do you think he cares what happens to England? I tell you he does not. He abandoned us long ago.” Norrell tried so desperately wen he was younger to find the Raven King. He is a Northerner, born and raised amidst stories and tales of John Uskglass’s deeds and surrounded by his legacy every day of his life; This is the same environment that Childermass -- who’s own devotion to the Raven King is made obvious -- grew up in, and so much of our knowledge of the Raven King does come from Norrell, he could be called one of our foremost experts on him in the book! But he felt betrayed, abandoned by the King as well, and that kind of bitterness doesn’t simply just go away. And now Strange wants to summon the King? Like Norrell tried and failed to do when he was younger? Imagine how close to home that would hit, how that could reawaken that sort of bitterness!

Meanwhile Strange replies with, “Then I will explain it to him, Mr Norrell.” He believes he can convince the King. Of course, this could all be chalked up as arrogance on Strange’s part -- ‘Arrogance’ is so much a part of his character that it was his name in the Prophecy after all! But his plan was to summon the King from the beginning. He believes that John Uskglass will be sympathetic to his plight. Our first introduction to Strange in this chapter, we see him reading from a book, listing off recorded historical cases of Fairy Abduction. “Seven people from Norwich in 1124...Four from Aysgarth in Yorkshire at Christmas in 1151, twenty three at Exeter in 1201, one from Hathersage in Derbyshire in 1243 -- all enchanted and stolen away into Faerie. It was a problem he never solved.” And here strange is presenting Fairy Abduction as something the King would see as a problem, would want to see solved. Not as something that just happens as a matter of course, as natural as the wind or rain.

And honestly, I think we should believe Strange’s view over Norrell’s here. I think that of the two of them, though Norrell might know more of the Raven King intellectually, Strange has displayed more of an....emotional understanding? A sympathy? for the Raven King. (well, inasmuch as anyone can understand the Raven King on any level, atleast xD) I’ve already gone into this more in a post I wrote a while back over here, but during the battle of Waterloo, Strange’s experience casting Pale’s Conjectures Concerning the Foreshadowing of Things To Come reflects something of his later description of the young Raven King after his conquest of England. Look, compare this:

“Until this moment it had never seemed to him that his magicianship set him apart from other men. But now he had glimpsed the wrong side of something. He had the eeriest feeling – as if the world were growing older around him, and the best part of existence – laughter, love and innocence – were slipping irrevocably into the past.”

to this:

“He was pale and handsome and solemn-faced.” Said of a boy fifteen years old, and newly successful in accomplishing all of his goals. As I said in that previous post, you would expect something more triumphant and celebratory to be in his expression --especially as he was raised by fairies. Can you imagine the Gentleman not crowing about his victories, after all? But instead he carries that same air about him, after battle, that Strange feels and experiences, looking out to the results of the battle he is about to fight, Melancholy, lonely, “as if the world were growing older around him, and the best part of existence – laughter, love and innocence – were slipping irrevocably into the past.”

So Strange has already once glimpsed something of what it was to be John Uskglass, but then, here at the beginning of the very chapter where he’s proposing to Norrell to summon the Raven King, he returns, just newly having gone through perhaps the experience that brings him as close to the Raven King as he ever has been: “I suppose it is because I have been many things since last we met. I have been trees and rivers and hills and stones. I have spoken to stars and earth and wind. One cannot be the conduit through which all English magic flows and still be oneself.”

So yeah, on some level I would say Strange had more of an understanding of the Raven King than Norrell does, or atleast a very different one, not blinded by the same bitterness that Norrell feels towards him. But does that necessarily mean he understands The Raven King in regards to how he feels about Fairy Kidnappings? Does John Uskglass view this as an issue? Does he care?

What’s interesting to note here are the locations and numbers of the dissaperances. Seven people from Norwich in 1124, Four from Aysgarth in Yorkshire at Christmas in 1151, twenty three at Exeter in 1201, one from Hathersage in Derbyshire in 1243. Norwich is in East Anglia, Aysgarth is in Yorkshire, Exeter is in Devon, and Heathersage is in Derbyshire. Interestingly, the places where the most people disappear are outside of the Raven King’s kingdom of Northern England. Perhaps it’s almost as if his presence there is discouraging such captures?

Of course, if we’re going to talk about Fairy Abductions, we cannot overlook the case of Buckler and Brandford-upon-Avon. In 1310 Buckler offered to act as the Fairy Servant of a minor magician known as Simon Bloodworth. After serving the magician and gaining the trust of the Household, Buckler managed to spirit back off to Faerie seventeen members of the Bloodworth Household, both of the family and servants. The Raven King sent magicians from his own court to investigate the matter of the dissaperances, but they were unable to discover the whereabouts of the Bloodworth family. Important to note here, in regards to our current discussion, however is the fact that the Raven King? He didn’t have to do anything about this. He did’t need to have anyone look into the dissaperances at all if he didn’t think it was an issue. Bradford-upon-Avon is in the South, and well outside the Raven King’s own Kingdom. Meanwhile, Simon Bloodworth was a rather minor magician who’s wife was lured into Faerie partially by the promises of spells that would ease the workload of her and her daughters, that they might not have to be constantly “sweeping and cooking and cleaning.” Such hardly speaks to a family of any importance, so even the political benefits of taking an interest in the matter seem negligible. But the Raven King did take an interest in the disappearance of the Bloodworth Household, and he sent two of his own Magicians into the South to do something about it!

Even the very presence and mere existence of the court of Folflures suggests far more about John Uskglass’s concern about the consequences of Fairy actions in England -- including Kidnapping -- than Norrell’s assertions would have one believe. Why else have a court committed solely to settling disputes and trying the crimes committed by Fairies?

But of course none of this is to say that the Raven King has a completely human viewpoint on the matter of Fairy Abductions either. The Raven King himself is said to have spirited off several men and women to live with him in his home in Faerie-- to the point of there even being a ballad written about it. Not to mention the fact that his entire plan to bring Magic back to England involved the Abduction of three innocent people for over a decade -- no matter that in the end he also planned for an end to their capture in the form of Stephen’s rise to Kingship over Lost Hope as well. But...I don’t think it’s quite as simple as Norrell believes it either. Yes, he was raised in Faerie and their ways might at times seem more natural to him even than human ways. At the same time however, he has spent over 300 years amongst humanity, and in the course of his life amongst other human beings, even Norrell had to admit that he became “less like a fairy and more like a man.” Perhaps in the beginning he wouldn’t have understood, not really, but as he began to live more amongst his human subjects? As he began to develop connections himself, as he taught his apprentices, as he gained friendships, found people he actually cared about personally? How could he not understand, atleast on some level?

So yeah. I don’t...I don’t think The Raven King views such things as necessarily wrong all of the time, under every circumstance, but at the same time I certainly don’t think that he wouldn’t care or understand that kind of grief at separation at all. I don’t know. I think his opinions on such Fairy abductions were ambivalent and complicated, and were constantly changing over the course of his life, and even after all this thinking and rambling about it I’m still kind of trying to sort it all out. What do y’all think? I’d really love to talk to someone about this :D

#John Uskglass #Gilbert Norrell #Jonathan Strange #Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell #meta

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