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kemosabeko · 11 months

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RE Actor AU!

I thought I could hide it but I really can't anymore

*this is mostly about wesker but will I apologize? Nah. Imma do my own thing.

A/N: these are very, VERY self-indulgent

Warnings: None, just fluff and crack

Also this is my first post in Tumblr so idk how do texts/posts works in here :p

This was created because my current hyperfixation rn is wesker (YES)

You'd think with his role he'd be uptight and quite the serious actor. Yknow those types.

Oh boy oh boy would you look at that. He just brought another coffee for everyone on set.

MF LITERALLY IS ONE, IF NOT THE MOST, KINDEST PERSON YOU'LL MEET.

Always there to help crews moving their things, especially the heavy ones like camera.

Helps fellow actors with their script and scene.

But the most noteworthy trait of his is being a family man.

WOFJWISHJS GODDD HOLD ON

He literally SHOWS OFF his twins to his co-workers.

Everyone is a victim

"Chris look at this. They're walking"

"Yeah you showed that to me like five times alr-"

"they're WALKING"

Okay biggest victims are Chris and Leon

Jill and Chris are people who entered the industry the same time as Albert and has worked on multiple projects with each other. Hence, their closeness.

Now back to the general cast

Chris and Claire are literally siblings in real life

This franchise is actually Ada's first acting role in the industry! Which immediately became a huge boom to her career, which she didn't expect.

She was actually originally working as a stunt woman, but one time a manager suggested her to do acting after seeing her try to double a character since the original actor was sick, and she couldn't be more thankful that she took the risk.

She's very skilled in martial arts!

She and Albert are some of the few casts that don't do double-stunts.

Leon is a child actor starting from the age of 7.

Came from a very wealthy (aristocratic) family

ABSOLUTELY IDOLIZES ALBERT

Y'know that one story of Tom Holland when he talked about RDJ and was absolutely stunned when he entered the set?

Yep. That's literally Leon on his first day on set.

Look. He's worked with a lot of big shot names. Cate Blanchett, Robert De Niro, Morgan Freeman, Nicole Kidman, you name it!

But has he ever worked with this man with basically a face and body carved by the greek gods themselves, slicked back hair, and possibly the smoothest and healthiest skin ever, who's basically his entire fucking idol and goal to work with? NO!

So why, should he NOT FREEZE UP when he finally met him on set?

Albert saw a blonde, handsome boy sticking out like a sore thumb from the entrance of the set. He quickly realizes that this is the actor they cast for the protagonist. He walks up to them and smiled warmly.

"Hey! we got a new face around here. You must be Leon Kennedy right? Nice to meet you! I'm Albert Wesker"

He stretched out his hand to shake with him, but all Leon could think was

"oh my god... it's ALBERT FUCKING WESKER"

Poor blondie basically stopped working for a few seconds, before he realized how stupid he looked and was on his way to ruin his first impression.

He quickly snapped out of his shock and went to shake his hands and OH MY GOD THEY'RE SO SMOOTH AND WARM AND HIS SMILE--

Had to take a breather when he went to his tent after that encounter.

After that and throughout the shooting, they became closer and eventually became close friends

Which is how Albert met you but that's for another story.

Carlos has a HUGE and I mean, simp level of huge, crush on Jill.

This man really was the real smooth operator cause when he heard that Jill, together with a male character, will be the MC for the third franchise? Oh this man was on a MISSION.

Immediately auditioned and prepared for the role like his life was on the line (on his defense, it was)

The first to hear about this was Chris.

Which he then gossiped to Albert.

To which they both supported Carlos by giving him tips about what Jill likes, hates, her fave foods, her favorite movies, all of that and etc.

CHRIS AND ALBERT #1 VALEVEIRA SHIPPER 💯

Literally had them plotting the most insane shits for a date

Thankfully, their shenanigans bear fruit after a year when Jill finally accepted him as her boyfriend.

Man was so over the moon, he deadass called the other two in the middle of the night to talk about what happened.

Albert was NOT happy being interrupted in his sleep, but decided to let it slide hearing the joy in the younger man's voice.

After all, he wasn't so different when the same thing happened to him with you.

Oh also, did I ever mention that Albert ADORES children?

Which is why he found Sherry so cute! Even though she plots pranks with Leon and Claire occasionally.

Throughout the years, they have become absolutely close friends that they consider each other as family (I'm starting to hear Dom Toretto)

Leon and Ada also eventually became a couple after years of painful pining (the rest of the cast and crew had to suffer witnessing their years of pining for each other)

They often do a late night chats with each other, sometimes they do IG live together when everyone's free.

The fans ABSOLUTELY eats them up because it's their source of meme and crack content from the cast.

The Behind The Scenes were filmed by almost all of them, or whoever wants to.

Tons of them are Chris tripping over almost everything.

Claire trying her stunts and being extremely proud when she successfully does one without her double.

Carlos just playfully punching and having beef with the camera.

It also includes Albert teaching Ada some stunts on how to do them better and more safely, and vice-versa.

And then you got Luis, Ashley, and Leon straight up doing a mukbang ASMR for one of their BTS (they failed horribly cause they, especially Luis, can't stop laughing)

Luis tries teaching Ashley spanish but eventually gave up. But after a few months, Ashley came up to him and said in almost perfect spanish "soy un raton rubio"

Loverboy felt like a proud parent he started singing out of nowhere.

*I feel like I really have so much more to put but maybe I've finally exhausted my ideas so here they are!

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raesnovelsblog · 7 months

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Synopsis from IMDB:

Two witch sisters, raised by their eccentric aunts in a small town, face closed-minded prejudice and a curse which threatens to prevent them ever finding lasting love.

My synopsis:

Sisters have to evade the police after killing an abusive man with the help of their aunts, the mom’s that shunned them, and magic.

My review

I adore this movie. I haven’t watched it in awhile and there were parts I either completely forgot about or didn’t get upon initial viewing. All the actresses brought their A game. I especially loved seeing Margot Martindale. She makes everything better. It’s one of those movies that barely passes the Bechdel test, but is still a strong female centric movie.

Rating : 9/10

Haven’t watched this movie in a long time.

Love the nod to witches just being misunderstood ladies that knew how to have a good time.

Ah the look of fear on their faces, warms my heart. What did they think would happen when they messed with a witch?

The little versions of them are adorable.

I remembered they lived with their aunts, but I forgot it was because their mother died too.

That poor little bird. It didn’t do anything.

Young Nicole Kidman looks like fun.

Why do they always cut their hands like that? That has to hurt and feels like it would take a long time to heal.

Faith Hill! I loved this song.

I’m obsessed with Sandra’s outfit. Minus the rain boots.

So is the family line also cursed with twins and/or only having girls? Because that wasn’t mentioned.

Digging this soundtrack.

I don’t see what Gilly sees in that guy.

Her pleases are breaking my heart.

Oh my god, that’s little Evan Rachel Woods.

If you have to drug your boyfriend to go see your sister, that’s probably not a healthy relationship.

See Sally picked up on it too.

Margo Martindale! I love her.

“The nudity is completely optional, as you well remember.” Ha.

He really is a bad guy.

Jilly came up with the plan. Of course it failed.

The man held a gun to your head and that’s the best slap you could give him?

“My wife.” Damn, that movie ruined that phrase.

Digging a grave in the rain has to make it extra difficult.

Midnight margaritas sound like an awesome tradition.

I used to think it was just because they were drunk that they said all of that, but now I get that it was the dead guys' influence.

The aunts singing that song is beyond creepy.

Someone left the bottle on the porch and you drank from it? The townies hate you. I’d be afraid one of them left it with something inside.

Has no one noticed how fast the rose bush is growing?

Poor little girl. I’d be traumatized if I saw a man that no one else could see. Witch or no witch.

Her not being able to lie to him is adorable and awkward.

He murdered another woman? I didn’t remember that part at all.

The townsfolk are truly awful.

If that boy has chickenpox, should he be around the other children?

Her and the cop have good chemistry.

He went from interrogating to making out really quickly.

The cop has seen a few magic related things, but seeing a ghost rise out of a woman is hard to brush off as something else.

He’s having a hard time adjusting, but he didn’t hesitate with the badge and I give him props for that.

“I wished for you too.” I actually awwed.

I love her using the phone tree.

I love the look of awe in the daughters’ eyes when she lit the candle with magic.

Margo looking around trying to figure out the words - priceless.

Gilly hitting that invisible wall was a good effect.

The power of women.

So she’s not afraid that he’s only there because of magic anymore?

I want her dress.

When the town thought they were witches, they were scared of them. Now that they know they are witches, everyone’s cool?

I love that the littlest one jumped up into the cops arms. At least you won’t have to worry about the kids not liking the new guy.

#horror #horror movie #horror movie review #practical magic #ghosts #magic #witch #witches #witchcraft #family dynamics #90s films #romantic #romcom #romance

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mandala-lore · 18 days

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The subtle Hitchcock references in Stoker *chef's kiss

creepy uncle Charlie & the whole twin uncle/niece incest bond - Shadow of a Doubt

Nicole Kidman looking like Grace Kelly in Dial M (wait, is that Hitchcock?)

strangling people and keeping them just under the nose of a party, near where food is stored, plus male erotic violence via strangling - Rope

the focus on shoes and glasses and all that they symbolize, especially as (unwelcome) gifts and doubling - Stranger on a Train

I know I'm forgetting a couple too because I didn't write them down as they occurred to me.

#stoker #original #hitchcock

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tabloidtoc · 3 years

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Us, January 11

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Diets That Work -- Julianne Hough

Page 2: Red Carpet -- Stars flex their right to bare leg in high-slit dresses -- Dua Lipa, Cynthia Erivo, Kristin Cavallari, Bebe Rexha, Sydney Sweeney

Page 3: Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lopez, Ariel Winter, Hailey Bieber, Shay Mitchell

Page 4: Who Wore It Best? Olivia Wilde vs. Natalie Portman, Ashley Greene vs. Rachel Zoe

Page 6: Loose Talk -- Barack Obama joking about quarantining with his daughter Malia’s boyfriend, Pink revealing she broke her ankle and had a staph infection in addition to testing positive for coronavirus, Amal Clooney joking to husband George Clooney about the time and effort she put into her new 1000-page legal book, Miley Cyrus on feeling like she really made it after Cher slammed her 2013 VMAs performance, Anderson Cooper on being a dad to 8-month-old Wyatt

Page 8: Contents

Page 10: Hot Pics -- Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani stopped at the music studio together in Pasadena

Page 11: Tiger Woods and son Charlie teamed up for the PNC Championship in Orlando, Vivica A. Fox during a tropical getaway in Tulum in Mexico, Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner took a stroll around the village and did some shopping in Mammoth Lakes, California

Page 12: Paris Hilton and Carter Reum in Sherman Oaks, Niecy Nash showed support for Regina King at a drive-in event for her film One Night in Miami in Malibu, Candice Swanepoel in a white bathing suit in Miami

Page 13: Duchess Camilla held a virtual royal engagement in London, Dancing With the Stars couple Sasha Farber and Emma Slater were in a great mood while out and about just days after becoming American citizens in L.A.

Page 14: Stars They’re Just Like Us -- Matt James hit the golf course in Jupiter in Florida, Renee Zellweger with an armload of packages in L.A., pregnant Emily Ratajkowski sipped on a beverage during a beach day in L.A.

Page 15: Molly Shannon hopped on her bike after withdrawing cash from the ATM in L.A., Sandra Lee taking out the trash at her new place just days after moving out of the N.Y. home she shared with her ex Gov. Andrew Cuomo in Malibu

Page 16: Seeing Double -- mom match with their mini-me’s -- Serena Williams and daughter Alexis Olympia Jr., Sutton Foster and daughter Emily, Gabrielle Union and daughter Kaavia, Kylie Jenner and daughter Stormi, Cardi B and daughter Kulture

Page 17: Kourtney Kardashian and daughter Penelope, Tamera Mowry-Housley and daughter Ariah, Eva Longoria and son Santiago, pregnant Kelly Rowland and son Titan

Page 18: Lady Gaga’s hair looks great in all hues

Page 20: Love Lives -- Lauren Burnham and Arie Luyendyk Jr. welcoming twins

Page 21: Kevin Jonas commemorated his 11th wedding anniversary with wife Danielle by sharing a photo of the two posing at the very spot they met, Chrishell Stause is defending her new romance with Keo Motsepe against all of the conspiracy theories, Jamie Lee Curtis and Christopher Guest’s love was built to last

Page 22: Just days after Shia LaBeouf was sued by his ex FKA Twigs for sexual battery and assault and emotional distress Shia was spotted making out with Margaret Qualley at LAX airport -- they’re very much in the honeymoon phase and Margaret’s totally smitten and she trusts he’s not the bad guy people say he is but Margaret’s loved ones are concerned about her new beau especially her mother Andie MacDowell who’s keeping an extremely close watch on the situation and if Shia so much puts a foot out of line she’ll come down on him like a ton of bricks -- Shia insists he’s a changed man and that he’ll never go back to those dark days ever again

Page 23: Life behind bars hasn’t been easy for Mossimo Giannulli and he’s having a rough time -- he’s in Covid-19-related protective custody and spending almost all of his time in his cell has been very mentally taxing but he’s doing his best to stay positive by reading, writing letters to his family and planning future business ventures and turning to prayer when he feels weak

* After relapsing in December John Mulaney is hoping to make 2021 a better year and he’s committed to a total change of lifestyle -- John who has been vocal about his decades-long substance abuse struggles and he had been on a really long run of bad habits that had turned his life upside down but his family and friends are standing by his side and they’re proud that he’s finally getting the help he so desperately needed for quite some time

* Keeping Up With Us -- Maren Morris has officially cancelled her upcoming tour due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic and is in the midst of working on her third album, Rachel Zoe was scarred for life after her 9-year-old son Skyler fell 40 feet from a ski lift, TikTok star Charli D’Amerlio and her family are getting their own reality series, Wilmer Valderrama and his fiancee Amanda Pacheco are expecting their first child, six months after The Weeknd put his Hidden Hills mansion on the market for $25 million his asking price has been slashed to just under under $22 million

Page 24: A Day in Our Life -- Sistine and Sophia Stallone

Page 25: Ariana Grande and Dalton Gomez are engaged -- she’s beyond excited and they are so in love and committed to spend the rest of their lives together and her loved ones approve of the real estate agent

Page 26: What Leah Remini Knows -- actress and Scientology critic Leah is calling out Tom Cruise for his on-set freak-out

Page 28: Reality Bites -- these stars got their first moments in the spotlight appearing on unscripted TV shows -- Lady Gaga, Cardi B, Laverne Cox, Kesha

Page 29: Aaron Paul, Josh Henderson, Emma Stone, Jamie Chung

Page 31: Cover Story -- Survival of the Fittest -- how the hottest stars get and stay in shape -- Halle Berry

Page 32: Julianne Hough, Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood

Page 33: Weight Loss Winners -- Rebel Wilson, Tiffany Haddish, Adele

Page 34: Jennifer Aniston, Gal Gadot

Page 36: Kaley Cuoco, Jennifer Lopez

Page 37: Power Couples -- Thom Evans and Nicole Scherzinger, Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade, Mark Consuelos and Kelly Ripa, Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes

Page 38: My Healthy Routine -- Kristin Cavallari, Miranda Kerr

Page 39: Reese Witherspoon, Vanessa Hudgens

Page 40: Style -- shades of glory -- Pantone’s Color of the Year for 2021 is actually two defining hues -- wear Illuminating Yellow and Ultimate Gray in myriad ways

Page 42: Entertainment -- Gina Torres on her role on 9-1-1: Lone Star

Page 43: 2021 movie preview

Page 46: Fashion Police -- Gwen Stefani, Ashley Roberts, Lily Collins

Page 47: Saweetie, Gavin Rossdale, Bella Thorne

Page 48: 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me -- Brian Austin Green

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jadelotusflower · 3 years

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March 2021 Roundup

Reading

Benevolence by Julie Janson - One of those books that caught my eye at the library (I’m a sucker for the “top picks” shelf) and I’m glad I picked up. The story of Muraging, given over in 1813 to the Parramatta Native School, but always trying to find a way back to her family and culture in the brutal early days of colonisation - resilient in the face of so much hardship. Janson is a Burruberongal woman of the Durag Aboriginal Nation, and Muraging is based on her great-great grandmother and Durag oral histories. An engrossing but often difficult read, about a period of history not often told from this perspective.

One Day by David Nicholls - A book that has been sitting on my bookshelf for so long I don’t even remember buying it. I vaguely recall seeing the movie adaptation on a plane once so must have enjoyed it, but can’t say I would recommend this book. Depicting St Swithin’s Day every year in the lives of two absolute character cliches, from one night stand, to friendship, romance and marriage. The concept is neat and the writing has wit, but I just couldn’t bring myself to care about Dex (insufferable twat) and Emma (not like other girls) or their love story. Okay, it’s not that bad. It kind of grew on me by the end.

Watching

Superman and Lois (episodes 1-5) - I’ve had reservations about this show because of this but am giving it a shot. I have not followed the Arrowverse/Crisis but a friend did her best to explain it to me, although honestly I found it this show works just as well as a standalone. The premise is simple - Lois and Clark return to Smallville with their twin sons for teen superhero angst part two. To be honest, it feels so much like a Smallville revival that...I kind of wish it was?

Tyler Hoechlin makes a good Clark, but that padded Superman suit is an embarrassment - get rid of those fake muscles and show us some super collarbones! Elizabeth Tulloch is growing on me as Lois - she’s very...subdued, but imo lacking that spark Kidder, Hatcher, and Durance had. Honestly, subdued it how I would describe the show overall. Also the colour palette is sooo drab because gritty realism I guess.

I enjoy the family drama aspect of it, although I wish one of the kids was a girl. I mean, I understand why they’re twin boys - the son becomes the father and the father the son and all that - complete with both sons being named after both of Clark’s fathers (is there a name for the trope of the hero’s kids being named after his dead family/mentors as if the mother had no input??). The Captain Luthor/Morgan Edge plots are still in the setup stage so hard to comment on them.

I sound harsh, I don’t dislike the show overall (and there’s some really good elements there). We’ll see, I guess.

Man of Steel/Batman v Superman/Zack Snyder’s Justice League - I’ve never really been a huge fan of the Snyderverse, and have been trying my best to avoid the Discourse about the Snyder cut over the past few years (from both sides). I have however been following what Ray Fisher has had to say, and can’t deny my interest was piqued by the idea that there was an entirely different film out there that did right by its characters. So I went back and revisited MoS/BvS before embarking on JL to give the franchise another shot.

While I still don’t really vibe with Snyder’s aesthetic (it’s just a bit bleak and muddy for me) I think these films are actually better when viewed together as one long story. I can appreciate that he made an effort to step away from the Donner nostalgia, and tell this epic modern myth of gods among men, and can enjoy it for what it is. The Snyder cut was entertaining enough, and I quite enjoyed aspects of it - Cyborg is indeed the heart of the film (but I honestly wish it had been explored in his own movie), and Wonder Woman, Aquaman, and the Flash break up the dreary tone.

It was nice to see the Amazons again (and I loved “Amazon’s, show your fear”/“we have no fear”). I like this take on Clark and Lois, even if most of the relationship happens offscreen, and there’s certainly more in the Snyder cut - even if I wish there was greater depth to Clark’s arc in particular, less of the god and more of the man.

I did however notice a pattern in these films in that I was interested/compelled by the first world building/character half, and having my eyes glaze over in the endless action cgi-fest of the second half (I have this issue with Marvel too). And the Snyder cut is indeed endless - it rivals Return of the King for number of endings but is much less cohesive, like Snyder was throwing everything at the wall since this might be his last chance. There’s a nice montage at the end with a bit of hope, and I was thinking well this is a nice uplifting note to end on, thank you! But nope, twenty more minutes of grimdark prophecising (in isolation, an interesting scene, but felt so out of place to show the team torn apart again immediately after we’ve just seen them come back together).

I also lol’d at David Thewlis getting a front credit for what amounted to his cgi face behind a massive helmet. Collect that paycheck, my man!

Coming 2 America - I watched the original as a teenager more times than I can count, truly iconic. Look, I dislike the sequel/reboot/remake merry go round when it dominates the scene, but to be honest I am a sucker for a sequel that’s lovingly made and really just an excuse to get the band back together and have fun. Worth it for the costumes and dance sequences alone (especially the En Vogue/Salt n Pepper/Gladys Knight mashup), but I really enjoyed this overall. There’s nothing groundbreaking and it doesn’t try to be. Was it necessary? No. But did I enjoy it? Absolutely.

Actually, scratch that. The costumes and hair are absolutely necessary.

The Prom (dir. Ryan Murphy) - Now I love a movie musical and this was...fine. It’s sweet and I enjoyed Meryl Streep doing her best Patti Lupone, and Nicole Kidman clearly having fun (even if she can’t Fosse to save her life) although I can’t say I found any of the songs memorable. James Corden, however, is pure cringe for reasons outlined here. But overall it’s light and fluffy, and not a terrible way to spend two hours of your life.

Superstore (seasons 1-6) - I’ve been binging on this for a while, and it’s a fun little show about the employees of a big box store - it’s nice to see America Ferrera back on screen (with producer credit). A great, diverse cast, but MVPs for me are Lauren Ash as Dina (you may recognise her voice as Scorpia from She-Ra), and Kaliko Kauahi as Sandra. While it did touch on some real-world issues - corporation malfeasance, unionisation, etc - ultimately it’s lighthearted and pleasant, especially the series finale that just goes full happy ending with a nice break from grim reality.

Allen v Farrow (dir. Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering) - I’ve never watched a Woody Allen film, and the clips I’ve seen of Woody Allen films haven’t changed my mind on this point. But what struck me seeing the clips of Manhattan in this documentary is just how young Muriel Hemingway was - this is not the Hollywood standard 22 year old playing 17 (which is problematic in other ways) but an actual teenager with a baby face and childlike voice, in bed with a 40+ year old man and I am baffled that this film is so highly regarded - if nothing else it’s right up there on the screen.

But of course there is so much else, which makes this documentary hard to watch at times. To those who have followed these events there’s not much new here, but it does an excellent job of compiling the sources together and giving a timeline of events, as well as refuting many of the pro-Allen arguments, and giving Dylan a chance to speak for herself. There’s also a companion podcast which is worth a listen for added perspective.

Writing

I actually finished something, finally! Posted Debrief, a Smallville one-shot (3920 words). 1670 words done on my other Smallville wip.

Posted chapter 41 of Turn Your Face to the Sun (1865 words). Now that the Obi-Wan show is actually happening, I need to get this finished before it all becomes moot.

Total: 7455 words this month, making 23,962 for the year.

#monthly roundup #reading watching writing #long post

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whinemcm · 4 years

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so info dump i guess abt handmaid’s tale verse.

life before gilead was very close to the same as before. both chris and the twins were born before everything and mary didn’t work much as she had her hands full taking care of the children. aware of the sons of jacob, the two mostly tried to remain neutral in goings on. their status and circles that they ran in however seemed to be more and more involved.

with the changing political tide there was simply one thing that had to be done; survive. involvement in helping gilead was sparse, but they did what had to be done to be considered important. joseph’s postion of a man of faith also proved well for their standings. thus joseph became a commander and mary a wife. in his field joseph mainly sticks towards the same as he did before, encouraging children and their faith.

because the birth of her twins were near fatal for her and the twins, mary and joseph decided to stop having kids. because of the children they had already, they were never assigned a handmaid. eventually best laid plans fall apart and few years after gilead, mary becomes pregnant with crish.

mary and joseph did their best to keep to themselves and not try and cause any trouble. she was thankful that she was able raise her own kids which gave her some purpose. still she befriends wives and keeps up with the goings on in town. she does get close to serena especially, and feels for her situation.

largely mary likes having influence and power. she likes being comfortable. while she may not agree with practices in gilead she’s smart enough to never say anything to not lose her position. she and joseph behind closed doors tend to look the other way on certain things if they come up, mary sometimes helps joseph look over things for work. there largely is an unspoken agreement between them on sticking together. joseph’s sexuality is never discussed, but it is a known issue. as long as he doesn’t fall to sin, mary says nothing on his past behavior. she will cover for him and he will cover for her to survive in this world if need be.

following within canon of the series crish is now almost 2 years old now while the twins are 7 and chris 10.

also i think i will exclusively use nicole kidman for this verse??? because i don’t get a chance to use her as my alt fc enough ok.

#« ✞ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱɪᴛ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ & ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴛᴏɴɢᴜᴇ ɪꜱ ᴛɪᴇᴅ ✞ » « v: handmaid's tale. »

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genderfreezone · 5 years

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Do you like the Evil Within 2?

Yeah! Certainly not as much as the first one (i was not immune to being sad they left out fan favorites Jojo and Ruvik's Cube)

The rest of this post is me rambling about things i didnt like about the game, and then things i did like (most of my issues are how they treat the female characters tbh)

Its missing kind of the action-noir-gone-horrifically-wrong feel of the first game. The scare factor also suffers bc our player character has been through this before, hes a veteran at dealing with this crazy shit, it doesnt phase him anymore and by extension it doesnt phase the player. They really like tripled down on the Evil Corporation thing and both the intrigue and horror suffer for it.

This game did not drink its respect women juice (the first one didnt really either, case in point: Everything About Kidman) Sebastian is surrounded by 5+ female characters and only 2 of them survive (and one of them is his 7 year old daughter hes spent the whole game trying to rescue... and yet they never bothered to give her any kind of characterization or agency. A highly empathetic and supernaturally powerful little girl in a monster-infested hellscape?? HELLO???? Lily really had the potential to be the most interesting, sympathetic, and complex character--especially as she slowly lost her innocence--in the WHOLE GAME, but she was just sort of relegated to Plot Device McGuffin) The rest of the female supporting cast are killed off for Sebastian's Man Pain. In fact, THIS ENTIRE GAME IS CENTERED AROUND SEBASTIAN'S MAN PAIN. Torrez is a walking stereotype, shes literally just Vasquez from Aliens. Hoffman was the most likeable and believeable, except when it Turns Out She Was In Love With Liam Or Whatever (psst, guess what, i dont care. Also O'neal was kind of a dick anyway? I dont care x2)

And you know who i SUPER dont care about? Bland-White-Bread-And-Mayo-Sandwich Myra. Where's the no-nonsense firecracker of a police lieutenant Sebastian married? Not here, thats for sure. Her entire personality is "mother" and "worries about stressed-out husband". We got more characterization of Myra in seb's jornals from the first game, where she never even made a physical appearance! Horror media does this SO MUCH, women are either A. Sexy Lamp B. Hurts Men (Sexily) C. Mother or D. Innocent Virgin. It sucks. Do better.

The story lacked the "digging up old buried memories" and "theres more to this than meets the eye" of the first game. It felt too...... Straightforward. Everyone told Sebastian the truth. EVERYTHING WAS EXACTLY WHAT IT SEEMED. It all felt too simple, too easy, like there SHOULDVE been something else beneath the surface. And yet there wasnt. (I watched markipliers playthrough and i loved his theory that Kidman was actually Lily. It had such potential. Kidman's entire resume for the police station was fabricated, who's to say the rest of her past wasnt fabricated as well? It would retcon a lot of stuff and like 80% of her backstory from the DLC, but you know games like this arent above retconning important shit, and at least it wouldve been sacrificed for something with actual intrigue. Maybe it wouldnt even retcon anything! Consider: tiny Lily is taken by Evil Corporation and dropped off in a non-nurturing environment that would lead her to become the kind of person who would willingly join & work for an organization like Mobius. At least wouldve been a nice excuse for why Kidman and Lilys face models looked so similar... other than... yknow.... "WomEN ARe hArD tO DRaWwwwwee")

Okay okay ive been ranting for long enough. It probably makes it sound like i kinda hate this game, but i dont! It certainly doesnt hold the same place in my heart as the first one (which i still have very glaring issues with lmao Kidman deserved WAAAAAAY better), but i do like it! It brings back salty, grizzled, tsundere Sebastian Castinellos. It brings back spooky monsters that kill you dead. It brings back having a fun theatrical over-the-top villain who takes himself a litte too seriously.

I love Stefano. Probably not in the way some other fans do, but i love him as a ridiculous theatrical over-the-top villain. He sucks! And i love that he sucks! I love him BECAUSE he sucks! Hes terrible and exaggerated and completely up his own ass and ITS GREAT. He isnt as ACTUALLY THREATENING as Ruvik was (even in his bad assassin's creed cosplay. I could go on and on and on about why Ruvik is simultaneously a ridiculous AND frightening antagonist and how much i love it but uh..... maybe later) but hes such a FUN villain! Hes the kind of pretentious art snob shitheel i cannot STAND irl, but in this game i LOVE to HATE him. Hes just SO over-the-top you kinda wonder if he actually subscribes to the pretentiousness he spouts, or if hes just being Exceptionally Extra.

The other villains? Theodore was.... forgettable. His monsters were forgettable. (Its like how i completely forgot that Frank Manera was a character in Whistleblower for like... 5 years lmao i guess this game also kinda followed that "having multiple named/characterized antagonists in one game" thing that Outlast did) Myra, i just didnt care. Her final design was kinda cool, i liked the red clusters of insect eyes. Her monsters werent really gross enough to be memorable. The only reson theyre gross at all is bc they kinda look like theyre made of semen. (I checked the wiki and apparently Myra's white goo is "psychoplasm" and her monsters lost 99% of their gross factor. I just dont care.) The Administrator literally just looked like a 3D human model of Maxwell from dont starve, and i have to laugh every time i see him. Hes not terribly threatening, all he does is threaten characters to work faster and doesnt actually follow through on those threats. He doesnt even make fun threats like HABIT or anything. He thinks hes so powerful and ominous that his mere presence will frighten the player but hes just kinda all bark and no bite. Hes The Big Bad Company Man so you know hes gonna get whats coming to him, and you know Kidmans gonna be the one to do it to him, so hes not even that much of a threat. Hes whatever.

Stefano definitely got all of the coolest monsters. Many Arms Buzzsaw Lady was terrifying and i love her. And OBSCURA was just *Chef's Kiss* Anima was cool, she kinda looked like a mix of Laura and Samara. The Harbingers were neat, but really only bc ive got a thing for gas masks. The rest of the monsters werent really unique or weighty/threatening enough to be memorable. Now the first game is a fucking TREASURE TROVE of unique monsters *muah* you got Sadist, Sentinel, Keeper, Amalgam, Heresy, Laura, Shigyo, the Twins, Alter Egos, and im probably forgetting some!! But holy FUCK!!!!! And if we're includong the DLC?? MOTHER FUCKING SHADE. SPOTLIGHT LADY. LIGHT WOMAN. SEXY LEGS. Whatever you call her, i fucking love her. Her design is so simple. Helmet. Sheet. Legs. Her voice? Unnerving as hell. Love it. (Also i just personally love the diving helmet. Also like you know how a lot of games have a spotlight mechanic where you have to avoid the light and if it lands on you, you're fucked? LET'S MAKE AN ENTIRE MONSTER OUT OF THAT. She's PERFECT.) Oh and also those weird crawling exploding dudes. They made gross sounds and it was great. (Tbh Keepers still probably my favorite, if only for horny reasons)

TATIANA HOW HAVE I NOT FUCKING TALKED ABOUT TATIANA. Shes like the ONE female character that i fucking LOVE in the sequel. I love how they finally gave her a personality, and that personality is literally just "fuck you, Sebastian" Oh GOD its great shes SO FUNNY. I just.... god i love Tatiana lmao. I love how she makes you kinda uncomfortable too, like she knows something, but she wont tell you bc youre stupid. I didn't like the kind of "all-knowing guide" thing they did to try and make her creepy (like she's a "guide" but then also turns around and is like "no i wont tell you what you need to know bc you """have to discover it on your own""" or whatever") it serves no purpose since she never gave you any actual information, and it didn't succeed in making her creepier, all it did was frustrate me. She was at her creepiest when she IMPLIED she was doing something behind the scenes or knew something you didn't know and then didn't elaborate (not REFUSING to elaborate, just... stopping talking and leaving the statement to hang in the air, like the "getting her nails done" and "its been a long time, detective" and the "now what makes you say that" from the first game) and she was at her funniest when she was interacting with Sebastian from the sidelines, her snide little comments and sarcastic clapping cracked me the fuck up. Tatiana not treating Sebastian seriously was a fantastic touch for a game that otherwise would probably take itself so seriously it would double back around to being silly. Without Tatiana, it would've been just another male-centric gun-toting "survival horror" game, and for the most part, it was just that. She was definitely a much-needed source of slightly derisive comedy and a definite high-point for me, even if they didn't so a great job of making her creepy or fulfilling her "purpose."

Oh I also really love the COLORS in TEW2. The first game fell into the trap of having the colors be totally washed out that a lot of horror stuff does, but it also kind of worked for it. Especially with the color pallette of our main villain and how the whole thing was His World. The saturation of the colors in the second game is a breath of fresh air and gorgeous to look at, and you can even see the color motifs of the game change with each new villain: the game starts out with Stephano has lots of blues and purples and dark reds, when Theodore takes over we get bright orange and yellow contrasted with black and brown, and in the climax with Myra the game goes back to having washed out colors and white (and with her villain design? Let's face it: they were kinda just trying to do Ruvik again) We did get portions that were still kind of wahed out whites and greens and greys, but it wasnt the ENTIRE game, even the big blood-and-brains splatterhouse sections of the first game kinda had their colors weirdly muted for that "Horror Aethetic."

In conclusion, i do like the evil within 2, but i also had a lot of problems with it. And i complain about these problems because i like the game and know it couldve done better, tried harder, and been a LOT more than it was (the wasted character potential is my real overarching pet peeve, probably becuase i loved the characters in the first game, and character development is kind of my whole jam) . But all in all, it was still a fun monster-zombie romp with at least one entertaining villain and fun-to-look-at designs and environments. It wasn't character or horror or even REALLY story driven in the way I know it COULDVE been, but i still had a fun time and enjoyed myself.

#long post #875asks #anonymous #the evil within 2 #i couldnt put a readmore on a mobile post so you all have to suffer with me #my paragraph about stefano got cut out so i put it back in lol

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thisguyatthemovies · 5 years

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About a boy

Title: “Boy Erased”

Release date: Nov. 2, 2018

Starring: Lucas Hedges, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Joel Edgerton, Cherry Jones, Flea, Joe Alwyn, Xavier Dolan, Troye Sivan

Directed by: Joel Edgerton

Run time: 1 hour, 51 minutes

Rated: R

What it’s about: A young man in Arkansas comes out as having gay thoughts to his minister father and mother, who send him to a religious-based conversion therapy facility.

***

Title: “Beautiful Boy”

Release date: Nov. 9, 2018

Starring: Steve Carell, Timothee Chalamet, Maura Tierney, Amy Ryan, Christian Convery

Directed by: Felix Van Groeningen

Run time: 1 hour, 52 minutes

Rated: R

What it’s about: A young man struggles with drug addiction while his father tries to help him.

How I saw them: We should get used to seeing Lucas Hedges (age 21) and Timothee Chalamet (age 22) in great movies for many years to come. Hedges (“Manchester by the Sea”) and Chalamet (“Call Me by Your Name”) already have Academy Award nominations in acting categories to their credit, and those probably won’t be their last. They seem to show up in a lot of great movies. In fact, both played key roles in 2017’s critically acclaimed “Lady Bird.”

Now they have starring roles in similar movies released within a week from each other, Hedges in “Boy Erased” and Chalamet in “Beautiful Boy.” Both give us the kind of powerful, movie-carrying performances we have already come to expect from them in movies that are important if less than flawless.

Both films, based on true stories, center on young men whose fathers are trying to help them, but in starkly different ways.

Hedges plays Jared Eamons, an 18-year-old in Arkansas who throughout high school lives the kind of life his father (Russell Crowe) has set up for him. He plays sports and has a cheerleader girlfriend. He works at his father’s car dealership, and it is made clear that he will be taking over the business someday. And he attends the church where his father preaches.

But his father’s plans are derailed when Jared goes off to college. He makes friends with another student, Henry (Joe Alwyn), and they become running partners. But one night, Henry stays the night in Jared’s dorm room and forces himself on his friend sexually. This leaves Jared confused, and the confusion worsens when Henry, in the guise of a school counselor, tells Jared’s parents that Jared was the perpetrator. Jared, pressured by his father, admits that he “thinks about men.”

The father, citing his faith, can’t accept this, and his wife (Nicole Kidman) dutifully goes along with a plan to send their son to a religious-based conversion therapy facility. It is, in many ways, a horrible place, and Jared struggles with whether to rebel against the facility’s leaders (actor/director Joel Edgerton and Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea, in a truly creepy role) or “fake it and make it” so that he is not admitted to the facility on a long-term basis. He also has been told by his father he will be disowned if he lives a homosexual lifestyle.

The conversion process is difficult to watch, as the young people face mental and physical abuse and seem generally unhappy. If you have never questioned the purpose of religion, you might after viewing “Boy Erased.” Fourteen states in the U.S. have banned conversion therapy, but it still happens, with parents and religious leaders subscribing to the theory that you can “treat” homosexuality the way you can treat mental health issues and drug addiction. Edgerton does a good job of not overtly condemning the process or the people behind it, but what happens on screen speaks for itself.

Chalamet, as Nicolas Sheff, also has a father who wants to “cure” him, but in “Beautiful Boy” the issue is drug abuse. Sheff is a popular, attractive and talented young artist who also is troubled. At a young age, he starts trying drugs and finds he prefers being high to reality. His drug use quickly overwhelms him, and while still in high school he is admitted to a drug treatment facility. A pattern familiar to those who have dealt with addicts is established. Nicolas gets clean, says his drug-using days are behind him but then relapses. He keeps hitting bottom, but his bottom keeps sinking lower and lower.

Unlike Jared’s father in “Boy Erased,” Chalamet, at least at first, has the unconditional loving support of his father, David Sheff (Steve Carell, in a strong performance that matches Chalamet’s). In fact, David Sheff, by all measures a loving and sympathetic father, tries too hard to help Nicolas. His efforts begin to smother Nicolas, and they become a detriment to himself, his wife and their young children. He eventually learns what everyone trying to help an addict must accept: You can’t fix the addict.

Like Jared’s “conversion” in “Boy Erased,” Nicolas’ downward spiral in “Beautiful Boy” is tough to watch. And while “Boy Erased” gives us at least some resolution and hope in the end, the only semblance of a happy ending in “Beautiful Boy” comes after the final scene fades out.

Both movies benefit from strong leading performances that help cover up shortcomings. “Beautiful Boy” director Felix Van Groeningen takes a page from Christopher Nolan’s playbook with a series of flashbacks and flashbacks within flashbacks, to the point that following along can be difficult despite the repetitive nature of Nicolas’ relapses. The movie also has an odd but sometimes obvious soundtrack, with artists ranging from Neil Young to Nirvana to Sigur Ros to Aphex Twin. “Boy Erased” stacks its most emotional moments on top of each other toward the end of the movie, perhaps lessening the impact of each, if only slightly. It also starts veering into predictable territory as it heads toward its ending.

But those are minor complaints given each film’s impressive performances. Especially those of their young leading actors.

My score: “Boy Erased,” 85 out of 100; “Beautiful Boy,” 71 out of 100

Should you see them? Yes. Both can be a difficult watch, but they are important films that likely will lead to much thought and discussion.

#movies #movie review #movie recommendation #Beautiful Boy #Boy Erased #lucas hedges #timothee chalamet #steve carell #russell crowe #nicole kidman #conversion therapy #drug addiction

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lilmajorshawty · 6 years

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Mercury〽️ the celestial buzz.

Mercury Aries or mercury in the 1st:

they are loud! Aha they talk with what seems like there whole body and can be very animated speakers. The love to argue and aren’t really hardheaded persay but they do like being the head honcho in charge of the conversation. They’re goofballs and are little bullies. Have abrasive and kind of rough/raspy voices. Low in tone and sounds like a growl.

-Jesus Christ, Hilary Clinton, Scarlett Johansson, Katy Perry, Keanu Reeves, Selena Gomez.

〽️ Miguel shockandawe

Mercury in Taurus or mercury in the 2nd: slow talkers. Not huge on “changing their minds” once it’s been made. They’re hard people to convince and have a very deep moral code that they live by. They can be extremely perceptive and hyper aware of their surroundings and little nuances of others(chewing, breathing ect) very sensual and erotic sounding voices that can seem like they’re only talking you even if there’s a crowd. It can at times feel like they’re looking right through you.

-Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Elvis Presley, Cameron Diaz.

〽️leisure money

Mercury in Gemini or mercury in the 3rd:

They just have a way with words. They can easily talk there way through a crowded gathering and have met every single last person in under a minute. They are the original charmers and can easily seduce with how detailed they are. Fast talkers and can stutter from time to time do to their mouths not being able to keep up with how fast their minds are moving. Time means a lot to them and they do tend to have a sad Gemini twin living in their minds! They are either bubbly and optimistic or melancholy and self deprecating depending on which twin is present in the mind at the time.

-Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, Lana del Rey, Russell Crowe, Jared Leto.

〽️sinead harnett so solo.

Mercury in cancer or mercury in the 4th:

Slow and kind of you speak and I answer types. They spend a lot of their interactions feeling their way through the convo and usually reply in response to the emotions they’re feeling from you real or otherwise. They seem to be reminiscing a lot or talking about things that have already occurred. “I feel” and “how do you feel” are repeated often. They don’t forget anything. Ex. Jennifer Aniston.

-Bill Gates, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, jay z, Drake, Harry styles

〽️drake over my dead body

Mercury in Leo or mercury in the 5th:

Aha man loud voices and dramatic story telling. They often embellish or exaggerate stories and make them 100x more interesting then it really is. They easily attract a crowd with how charismatic and entertaining they can be! They can have intimidating and deep voices that can echo in a room. Tend to be naturally positive without trying.

-Steve Jobs, Amy Winehouse, marlon Brando, Jake Gyllenhaal, Tyra Banks.

〽️Jessie Ruthford born to be blonde

Mercury in Virgo or mercury in the 6th:

Ok I mean this in a good way but they are sooo critical and it’s to a point of which it’s cute and hilarious because they honestly just “talk” like that. They hate stupidity and tend to read people a lot. They are extremely high of mind and can see things most people don’t. Dry humor and dark humor describe them! They’re very solid in thought and don’t like to speak without knowing.

-Barack Obama, Michael Jackson, Kurt kobain, Adolf hitler, Mikey Cyrus

〽️disclosure jaded

Mercury in libra or mercury in the 7th:

Cute! CUTEEEEE. They tend to be extremely low toned and can often speak in a compassionate and caring way even if that’s not their intention. The manners are peak here. They tend to not speak over you and usually let you speak out of a genuine interest in what your saying especially if they have romantic feelings for you. Can be hard to read in a conversation unless they like you as well because of how detached they are from there words.

-John Lennon, Ariana grande, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, Whitney Houston

〽️Maggie Rodgers split stones

Mercury in Scorpio or mercury in the 8th:

Slang! Can talk with Rhythm or with a sort of swagger. Dry humor and in a way mean confrontational manner of speech. Can have deep voices that make you stare at them or look them in the eye. The types of people you talk to and spend the whole conversation thinking you know them only to realize all you know is their favorite color. Not as blood and gore as they’re made out to be lool but do see life for what it is.

-Emma Stone, Matt Damon, Mark Zuckerberg, Sylvester Stallone(piece of shit/excuse my language)Adam Levine, pink, Kylie Jenner.

〽️tove lo struggle

Mercury in Sagittarius or mercury in the 9th: boisterous and carefree manner of speech! They can talk in a slurred and sort of “different” way not in a Aquarius different but they sound a bit “not from here” they also can fluctuate a lot when taking between really excited to really chill. Naturally philosophical way of talking about things. They tend to make things deep and trail on into deeper topics from out of nowhere. Aha things get blown out of proportion

-Nicole Kidman, Uma Thurman, Al Pacino, Jessica alba, Gwen stefani

〽️London grammar non believer

Mercury in Capricorn or mercury in the 10th: the types to speak when it’s necessary or when the situation calls for it. Can be a bit somber when taking and talk in a sort of mature way even if everything else about them isn’t. They have a heavy mind and can refrain from taking to people that they feel are too childish in nature-so in that sense they’re not overly open minded aha. Extremely well spoken-but can self restrict themselves from using their mind to its highest octave.

-Marilyn Monroe, Johnny Depp, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther king, Shakira, Lady Gaga, Christians Aguilera.

〽️mr twin sister meet the frownies

Mercury in Aquarius or mercury in the 11th:So ok. These natives usually have something strange about their voice and can have minds that work on a fundamentally different mental capacity than the rest of us. They think quickly and can see things most of us wouldn’t because of how oddly there brains put things together. Speech wise they can swing you in circles because of how theatrical there manner of speech is aha. They jump from concept to concept quick so if you can’t keep up you might get frustrated. Similarly to libra they aren’t connected to what they say but they get passionate if you don’t see things the way they do.

-Angelina Jolie, Donald Trump, Rihanna, Kim Kardashian, Eminem, David Bowie

〽️Foster the people pay the man

Mercury in Pisces or mercury in the 12th:

Nervous talkers. Can stutter a lot only because it can be hard for them to put what they feel or are envisioning into words. Can have very sensitive voices and be easily emotionally aroused by specific triggers. Extremely nostalgic and can remind you of the past when you talk to them. Very warm natured minds and can seem to talk better when alone then when in front of people. They don’t like eye contact and unless they’re deeply in love with you they avoid it! They look all over the place so to speak. Natural poets and can talk in a very vivid way like something not of this world.

-Madonna, Beyoncé, Heath ledger, Vladimir Putin, Kristen Stewart, Mariah Carey.

〽️JMSN addicted pt 1-2

Note: I only put celebrities with the house placements not the actual sign itself Incase anyone was wondering aha!

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televinita · 2 years

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I have somehow seen seven?? movies this month -- all of them good, even! -- but I went through the Roku Channel to compile some options earlier today and honestly, what if I just spent 80% of my free time in November continuing to watch movies, because I found SO MANY that appeal to me one way or another.

THE LIST:

(in whatever order I came across them)

Where The Heart Is (I was semi-interested in this back when it was new just because Natalie Portman, but now that I've read the book I'm fully interested)

Grace of Monaco (forgot about this one, but truly Kidman, channels everything this portrayal needs and I want to gaze upon her in admiration)

Up Close and Personal (I've never really gotten to enjoy Robert Redford in a movie a the romantic lead and I wanna, because he truly is like if Brad Pitt were as handsome as all the adults around me kept saying when I was a kid)

Picture Perfect (ft. 1997 Jennifer Aniston, from the era before all her movie choices were terrible)

Happily ("a dark romantic comedy" with Joel McHale and Kerry Bishe, a pairing that is really activating my "but you're so OLD" radar, but which I'm game to try anyway)

Sahara (Treasure hunt movie?? and also apparently a bunch of other topics so...I'm very confused but it looks fun and ridiculous; also 2000s Matthew McConaughey has good screen charisma even though I don't really find him attractive or like him as a person)

Standing Ovation (listen I just watched Bring It On: All or Nothing and I am very much in the mood for more brightly colored, ridiculously OTT teen competition stories, especially if they're rated PG or lower)

+ Did You Hear About The Morgans? (rewatch -- like, at least my 5th)

MEANWHILE, ON TUBI:

True Heart (oh hey 90s family film I somehow failed to run across in childhood! “ When their plane crashes in the Canadian wilderness, twin siblings are thrust into a quest for survival and must rely on a native man and his bear” yeah that sounds like 11-year-old Me’s kind of film and sometimes I’m in the mood for that. also, baby Kirsten Dunst and one of the Home Improvement kids that isn’t JTT)

Vacancy (oh hey hotel-horror movie terrorizing Luke Wilson!)

Not Without My Daughter (maybe...could be slow, but also, I trust Sally Field)

Undiscovered (aspiring model meets struggling musician, the latter’s star begins rising soon after? feels like a movie I’ll enjoy more imagining with a recast, but also, can’t mentally recast til I’ve got the base material)

Jack & Jill vs. The World (looks like a serviceable romcom)

Still Breathing (oh hey! Brendan Fraser was so good back in the day, and when I went on a bender about 10 years ago to watch as much of his filmography as I could, this was one the library didn’t have)

Brightest Star (romcom with Chris Lowell, that’s all I need to see)

The Road Less Traveled (love me a movie that’s based on a song, especially if it’s one I already own/love and the movie stars the singer)

Disclaimer: All of the above are based entirely off initial impressions, with no more than 45 seconds of a trailer if any, and I refuse to do a lick of research to see what critical/audience reception has to say about them. I’m comfortable with my risk-taking; nothing can be worse than Titanic II.

Although you’re welcome to chime in on any that you also watched...or have opinions on anyway.

#meanwhile I've got A Quiet Place II out from the library and just put in a request for The Forever Purge #I am at 50 movies for the year so farw #which isn't quite a record but is also only 12 away from tying the record so...

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mshelenahandbag · 6 years

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2017 - Year of the Laura Dern

Laura Dern is having the best year of her career, or anyone else’s for that matter.

I could just end this article here, but you know I have to tell you WHY. Laura Dern has, for me, been constantly impressive with her acting prowess from a young age. My first memory is seeing her as Dr. Ellie Sattler in Jurassic Park, and even back then, little didn’t-know-I-was-gay-yet me loved the cool female paleontologist. (Looking back she also had THE best lines (“we can discuss sexism in survival situations when I get back!”), most famous of them all being during Goldblum’s “Man creates dinosaurs” soliloquy – “Dinosaurs EAT man….woman inherits the Earth.”) She’s always played interesting characters, but, for me, has never really had her breakthrough with mainstream television and film.

Until this year where Laura Dern has excelled in four projects and netted her first Emmy victory!

Sure, she’s had her accolades with David Lynch’s Blue Velvet and Wild At Heart and her notable appearance as the woman Ellen DeGeneres came out to on Ellen. But never anything truly concrete to make a large cross-section of people go “wow.” She’s always, at least to me, been good for niche groups. Her last Golden Globe win was for the HBO series Enlightened where she played self-destructive executive Amy Jellicoe, and she got an Oscar nomination for 2015’s Wild as Reese Witherspoon’s mother.

Wild director Jean-Marc Vallee is one of the main reasons we’re buzzing about Laura Dern’s 2017 renaissance. He definitely saw something in Dern, and her chemistry with Witherspoon, because the two would reunite and butt heads in HBO’s Big Little Lies – exhibit A in her best year. While everyone was obsessed with the performances Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman and Shailene Woodley gave as the main trio of Madeline, Celeste and Jane (as they rightly should because the series is just that flawless), my focus was on Laura Dern embodying Renata Klein, queen of the helicopter moms in Monterey.

Dern’s Renata had me shouting EMMY long before others jumped on the bandwagon. There’s a scene in the second episode where the birthday party for Amabella, Renata’s daughter, is derailed by Madeline - out for blood when Renata didn’t invite Ziggy, Jane’s son. So Madeline comes back and gets plenty of comped tickets for Disney on Ice so everyone cancels on the birthday party. Renata hits the ceiling, calmly, telling her friend Harper (who bears the unfortunate duty of informing Renata) “Ok. Thank you.”

Harper tries to mediate with “Let us all get along-”

But Renata comes back with the AMAZING over the top…well…this.

“I SAID THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

Whether ad-libbed on the spot or script, this moment of hilarity, for me, from Renata made her one of the best characters this year on any show. Showing perfectly poised Renata lose it time and time again, especially when threatening her husband (“I will take my hands and put them around your throat!”) or Madeline (“I’ll even get Snow White to sit on your husband’s face. Maybe Dumbo can take a squat on yours”) was a highlight week after week. The entire series was worth of every Emmy it garnered and survived a potential shutout from FX’s Feud: Bette and Joan but if anything, Laura Dern was the only one out of those nominated that truly deserved to win.

From here, Laura Dern turned from psycho mom to plain old psycho in Netflix’s Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt as Wendy Hebert – who’s set to marry Kimmy’s old pastor. It’s a brief guest starring role, but Dern adds so much in those 20 minutes and delivers a fully-formed character. Wendy starts off so innocent, but the more we spend time with her and Kimmy (Ellie Kemper), the more we realize how unstable she is. Plus she helps Kimmy to confront some real traumas the reverend has inflicted on her, and she also delivers one of my favorite lines in the three seasons of the show as she confides in Titus (Tituss Burgess): “If we only see each other one hour a week, he’ll never realize what a useless piece of crap I am and he’ll love me forever, and that’s what I deserve!” In short, Dern’s portrayal of a woman with absolutely zero self-worth is hysterical.

And from here, Laura Dern’s year hits its zenith with Twin Peaks as she plays long-heard-about-but-never-seen Diane: Agent Dale Cooper’s secretary to whom he has dictated all of his many tapes. Laura Dern’s work with David Lynch has always been fantastic: whether in Blue Velvet, Wild at Heart, Industrial Symphony No. 1, or Inland Empire – it’s clear that Lynch knows how to get the best results out of her craft. And that’s the reason why her work as Diane is probably a role we will be talking about for years to come.

We meet Diane Evans as a chain-smoking foul-mouthed goddess who was my favorite part of the mindfuck of this 18-part opus. I seriously loved every time Dern, in her platinum bob wig would take a drag off her cigarette and generally her conversations would consist of “Fuck you [insert name here].” She played so well off her director Lynch as FBI agent Gordon Cole and the late Miguel Ferrer as FBI agent Albert Rosenfeld. But one of my favorite moments came when newbie Tammy Preston (Chrysta Bell) tries to thank Diane for helping them, only to be met with this-

Diane: “What did you say your name was again?”

Tammy: “Tammy.”

Diane: “Fuck you, Tammy.”

I laughed way too hard at this, for way too long. Diane’s modus was basically this for a few episodes but about halfway through the series, her mood changed. We saw her visibly uncomfortable speaking with Mr. C, Cooper’s evil doppelganger BOB created. She revealed that Cooper (Mr. C) had come to see he years ago, but refused to elaborate. We later her she and Mr. C were in cahoots, via text. Was THAT why Diane was so crazy? Diane seemed to be cool when Gordon Cole offered her a slot on the infamous Blue Rose team – investigating supposed paranormal encounters.

“Let’s rock.” Diane said, her index and middle fingers down.

Here is where I said “Something’s up.” You could easily explain her wayward associations with Mr. C, but those two words were uttered by The Man From Another Place in the original series. It’s not just a nudge-wink happenstance, it’s a deliberate clue from Lynch that something is off with Diane. And that comes to fruition twice as the series comes to a close. In part 14, we learn that Dougie Jones’s fingerprints match Cooper’s, and Diane reveals that Janey-E, Dougie’s wife is Diane’s half-sister. No simple coincidence, again.

In part 16 when the actual Cooper emerges from a coma (long story….), Diane receives another text from Mr. C. She goes to meet with Cole, Albert and Tammy and finally reveals what happened the night Mr. C came to see her. He raped her – and it affected her. Dern’s face telling this story is so genuinely pained and she just nails this. Then Diane begins to act odd….really odd, even for this show. She convulses and says “I’m in the sheriff’s station. I’m in the sheriff’s station. I sent him those coordinates, because…I’m not me.” Diane eyes the gun in her purse, Albert’s on edge and Diane pulls hers out only to be shot by Albert and Tammy before being whisked away by some unseen force. Tammy remarks she’s seen a real tulpa (a manifestation) and we cut to the Red Room in the Black Lodge. Yep, Diane was “manufactured.” But what about her cryptic statement “I’m in the sheriff’s station”? Well as luck would have it, we wouldn’t have to wait long to find that out.

In the finale of the series, we learn that the eyeless Naido who helped Cooper out of the Lodge and who Andy rescued, was actually our Diane. A quick fight took care of Mr. C and once the genuine article Dale Cooper lays eyes on Naido, she becomes our Laura Dern again and they kiss.

Then it gets weird.

Cooper pulls a Back to the Future Part II seeing the events of Fire Walk With Me play out – only this time he stops Laura Palmer from being murdered. We cut to the Black Lodge and Cooper and Diane are both there. Then they’re driving on a highway for 430 miles, cross over an electrical grid and check into a motel to have sex.

This is Diane’s final scene of the series and I love how Dern hearkens back to what she told Cole and the FBI earlier about her rape. You still see the pain and confusion on Dern’s face, especially because we’re unsure if this is OUR Cooper, Mr. C or a hybrid of the two. It’s such a fitting end for her work on one of the best shows of 2017, and her exit opens a whole new mystery.

The next morning, Diane’s gone and a note from “Linda” to “Richard” is left for Cooper and leaves us wondering if in a world where Laura Palmer has been saved – has absolutely everything changed? Is Dale Cooper now Richard and is Diane Evans now Linda? (Way more to say on this for a Twin Peaks fan theory thesis later, especially with the role of Carrie Page.)

I didn’t even need to see Laura Dern in Star Wars Episode VIII-The Last Jedi in her role as Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo to know it will be amazing. I knew that from the casting, from her stills with the late Carrie Fisher (something I’m eagerly looking forward to) and the gorgeous Annie Leibowitz photos in Vanity Fair revealing that gorgeous lilac hair. But upon seeing Rian Johnson’s masterpiece that has become the crown jewel for me and many other (but not all) STAR WARS fans, I got to see Dern cap her banner year off in the most fabulous and wonderful style.

When General Leia Organa is unconscious from a First Order attack on the Resistance, command falls to Holdo. Dern and Oscar Isaac’s Poe Dameron immediately clash, and it’s breathtaking to watch. Holdo wants to load unarmed transports to try and escape to nearby Crait – home of an abandoned Resistance base – and Poe so strongly disagrees with her that he mutinies and relieves her of command (only for himself to be relieved by General Organa stunning him). Holdo remains on ship while the remaining Resistance flee to Crait, and as the First Order begins firing on transport ships. Holdo decides to make a stand and engage the ship to lightspeed, directly at the First Order’s ships. Hyperspace jumps only work when a ship is totally free and clear to maneuver. So if a ship’s in the way, it’s not gonna be pretty.

And it isn’t. Rian Johnson shows the devastation in a soundless scene that cements Holdo’s beautiful and poignant sacrifice. Dern’s time in the Star Wars universe may have been brief but Holdo is a character anyone should be proud to look up to: willing to step up when it matters and sacrifice everything for the needs of the many (…Wait that’s Star Trek…)

Laura Dern’s 2017 is something that won’t be duplicated any time soon, and it’s a career testament to one of Hollywood’s best actresses finally getting the recognition she has beyond deserved.

#Laura Dern #Star Wars The Last Jedi #Amilyn Holdo #Twin Peaks #Diane Evans #Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt #Big Little Lies #Renata Klein

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ammapreker · 6 years

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IS YOUR CHARACTER

[001] the face of any products: her team is currently working on a deal with burberry that should be finalized shortly.

[002] open about their private life: no. not even slightly. she’s intensely reserved and prefers that her private life remain exactly that — private.

[003] an advocate for any charities: yes, specifically st. jude’s children’s research hospital, unicef, and various environmental causes. more recently, she’s become heavily involved in the #metoo and time’s up movements.

[004] involved in a relationship for publicity: not at present, but who knows. if she truly believes that it would benefit both her and her career, sylvie’s not going to say never. but she is incredibly picky about who she dates, and that would like extend to “fake” dating as well.

[005] where they are because of dishonest / shady moves: not due to her own. what her mother might have done or been willing to do in order to make them famous... sylvie doesn’t want to know.

WHO DOES YOUR CHARACTER

[006] @ / retweet regularly: willow, former and current cast mates to support their projects, and the charities that she supports.

[007] mention most in interviews: probably her twin sister, willow. after seeing them together for so many years on their variety show, it’s hard to separate the two from audience’s minds. additionally, after the rather public break with her mother, sylvie tends to get asked questions about that particular relationship, which she evades to the best of her ability.

[008] go to when they need some help: again, willow. nothing like having a twin sister.

[009] idolize / adore more than life itself: nicole kidman. if sylvie met her, she’d probably freak.

[010] want to end up with (in their dreams): young sylvie would have said cartoon aladdin or dimitri. current sylvie is more comfortable being by herself and waiting for the right person instead of guessing who it might be.

WHAT WAS

[011] the first thing they tweeted: @sylviehugo welcome to my universe, twitter!

[012] the first event they got invited to: likely the premiere of whatever film the twins first cameoed in. sylvie likely doesn’t remember much of it, only being bored and uncomfortable in whatever dress her mother picked out.

[013] the last (non work related) vacation they took: she’s a frequent flier to paris and london, and she’s been known to spend vacations there after long shoots.

[014] the first thing published about them on lounge: probably that she was incredibly snobby, very demanding during her variety show. it probably listed “events” and “reasons” that never actually happened.

[015] the project that made them want to act / write / sing / etc.: acting was more or less forced upon her, but during one of her first cameos, sylvie caught a peek of a scene between the two lead actors that took her breath away. she’s desperately wanted it ever since.

WHY

[016] do they put up with all of the bs that comes with the business: at this point in her life, pushed into the industry as a child and having grown up in it, sylvie simply can’t see herself ever doing anything else. so it’s less of a choice, more something that she’s been saddled with and forced to face with no alternatives.

[017] did they pursue the career they’re currently in: acting was very much forced upon both sylvie and willow from a young age by their mother, who sought the fame and — even more importantly — money that she could get out of her two golden cash cows. she got her wish and, even after the twins separated from her after reaching the age of eighteen, acting had become too ingrained as a part of sylvie to try anything else. she loves it, she does, but even if she didn’t, sylvie can hardly imagine doing anything else.

[018] did they choose the media persona they did: her media persona is slightly more open than she allows herself to be in public. it reveals a bit of her life — stories about her cats, pictures of her and willa — while always ensuring not to reveal anything too deep. at the very least, it helps to satiate the curiosity.

[019] do they hate gossip magazines so much: sylvie hates them because of the lies that fill them, guessing at the truth of her private life and never failing to cause her problems.

[020] would they ever make a sex tape: yes. there’s still a big part of sylvie that wants to completely distance herself from the reputation her mother built as a darling. it was — and, really, still is — incredibly restraining. in her more impulsive moments, sylvie would certainly see a sex tape as being a perfect tool to eliminate that image and absolutely go for it.

WHERE

[021] did they hear their first song on the radio: she hasn’t. though her mother did force her to see a vocal coach and her talent will be put on display in the upcoming anastasia adaptation, sylvie has never before recorded songs that could be heard on the radio.

[022] did they find out they’d landed their first project: their mother’s one bedroom apartment, likely eating leftovers.

[023] did they go on vacation after their first big project: while living with her mother, most of the money went to obtaining a more luxurious lifestyle. after her first big independent project, though, sylvie travelled to paris.

[024] do they live when they want to get away from it all: her home in la? it’s... hard to get away from it, but at least she’s got the comfort of home.

[025] was their first big press conference: in utah, after the first feature she filmed independently premiered at sundance.

WAS THEIR FIRST

[026] project embarrassing: her first project was some baby commercial that her mother got the twins into. so, probably.

[027] talk show appearance a wreck: it was with willow, the better spokesperson of the two even at a young age, so not as much as it could have been.

[028] public relationship heavily followed: sylvie was “too busy” for many relationships during her teenage years. her first public relationship was directly after the split from her mother, which meant that it got more attention than it likely would have gotten otherwise.

[029] fan encounter awkward / nice / sweet / etc.: yes! their childhood consisted — post variety show — of a lot of cute fans who would come up to sylvie and willow, telling them that they wanted to be exactly like them growing up.

[030] relationship (while famous) talked about at all: since it was right after the start of her career move, which was getting attention, it unfortunately was.

WILL

[031] they ever open any sort of business: perhaps? right now, sylvie’s thinking long-term in regards to acting and not much else so she’s hasn’t given that much consideration.

[032] they ever win a major, prestigious award: currently, sylvie has been nominated for a golden globe and won an emmy for her portrayal in a limited series in 2017. she hopes that she’ll continue to be recognized for her work, especially after she begins to put more distance between herself and the reputation her mother fostered.

[033] they ever host the smn version of saturday night live: i imagine that with her child star popularity and the attention anastasia will receive, that’s certainly likely to happen shortly.

[034] they ever work tirelessly for years to get a project going: yes. now that sylvie can make her own choices regarding the projects she takes on, she is completely and utterly committed to them. her passion knows no bounds and her tendency to commit herself whole-heartedly to them would push her to make them succeed.

[035] they take pictures with fans who approach them on their off time: occasionally? if they can read the room? there are certainly times where sylvie expects to go out and be bombarded by fans or the press, which means that she’s more likely to accept when someone asks for photos. the rest of the time, especially during private dinners or heading back from the gym, she’s unlikely to agree.

DOES YOUR CHARACTER

[036] invest their money wisely: she tries to be incredibly frugal. her home is the largest purchase that she’s ever made, but she does have a penchant for buying expensive shoes.

[037] work only on projects they love: nowadays, yes. if sylvie doesn’t connect with the script or the character, then it’s unlikely that she’ll pursue it.

[038] care more about the fame than anything: it’s not so much the fame as the job. despite the rough beginning, sylvie really loves what she does. the fame is just what — sometimes unfortunately — comes with it.

[039] often find they’ve put their foot in their mouth: absolutely. of the hugo twins, sylvie is the least able to speak professionally. somehow, too often when she opens her mouth on camera or in front of paparazzi, she ends up either saying something or cursing them out. because of this, willow more or less became the spokesperson for the twins and sylvie couldn’t be more thankful for it.

[040] hide things from the public because they are afraid / ashamed of what the reaction could be: if sylvie chooses to hide things from the public, it’s not because she’s afraid of what people will say — though that certainly has affected her in the past — but because she wants to maintain some semblance of a private life.

DO YOU HONESTLY THINK YOUR CHARACTER

[041] is a good person: she really, truly tries to be and uses her platform to help others.

[042] will have career longevity: i truly believe so. sylvie’s passionate, talented, and her devotion to her projects is easily seen both onscreen and off.

[043] deserves the career they have: heck yeah. she works her ass off.

[044] can remain unjaded by hollywood: she’s already pretty jaded, but it’s up in the air whether or not that will get better or worse.

[045] will spend the rest of their life with the person they marry: if it’s up to her, absolutely. she commits herself completely to those she’s with and her perfectionistic tendencies leave her unable to quit much of anything, even if it would be better for her in the long run.

GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY WOULD YOUR CHARACTER

[046] date / marry a fan: possibly, but unlikely. sylvie is committed to finding deep, genuine relationships that help her form an emotional connection. while that’s certainly not impossible with fans, she considers it to be unlikely and knows that wading through that particular pool of people would be incredibly difficult.

[047] star on any type of reality show: as said above, sylvie is an intensely private person and that doesn’t tend to match with the reality tv set up. but, if it happened to be the best decision for her career... there isn’t much that sylvie wouldn’t do for that.

[048] donate to charity / do good deeds without publicity: yes. she does always sign her name to the donations, but she doesn’t do so to bring it to the attention of the public. most of what she does use her platforms for are to bring attention to the causes rather than her involvement in them.

[049] say exactly what they think about the ins/outs of fame: yes and no? if she’s asked a specific question about it, sylvie’s likely to be candid. but she won’t volunteer the information in fear of seeming like she’s complaining (another of her mother’s voices in her head).

[050] walk comic con without any security (in or out of disguise): i doubt it.

#smnrp #smnrp contest #oc: sylvie hugo #m: development

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01sentencereviews · 6 years

Note

Top 5 hair moments in film this year?

laura dern’s multiple wigs in twin peaks: the return (i’m partial towards the red bob)

laura dern’s purple wig in star wars: the last jedi (especially seeing her do THAT thing that she does…!!)

nicole kidman’s eyes wide shut hair in the killing of a sacred deer

robin wright’s wet af slicked-back professional look for blade runner 2049

saoirse ronan’s greasy red hair in lady bird (cause i love a redhead)

“ask me unconventional/random “TOP 3/5/10″ end of the year lists!”

#zednanrefkcaj #thank you for this hahaha #laura dern #twin peaks #star wars #the last jedi #nicole kidman #eyes wide shut #the killing of a sacred deer #robin wright #blade runner 2049 #saoirse ronan #lady bird #q&a #hair #best of 2017 #lists

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mrenterta1nment · 6 years

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M1ndful Predictions: 2018 Golden Globes TV Limited Series Categories

Competitive awards season is officially here! It is my favorite time of year and what better way to kick off the New Year than by diving right in to predictions for the first major awards show, the Golden Globes. The Globes, governed by the Hollywood Foreign Press, are notorious for their wild, irreverent nominations (and wins!) as well as being the biggest party of the year.

I’ll start with the limited series television categories today.

Best Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Big Little Lies Fargo Feud: Bette and Joan The Sinner Top of the Lake: China Girl

This category has been locked down for a while now and I fully expect that HBO’s Big Little Lies will continue its very much deserved sweep. The show was amazing on ALL levels and this should be another bullet on its stellar awards resume.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Robert De Niro, The Wizard of Lies Jude Law, The Young Pope Kyle MacLachlan, Twin Peaks Ewan McGregor, Fargo Geoffrey Rush, Genius

The Globes love rewarding big names and, while this is a pretty starry category, I’m picking De Niro. Keep an eye out for a possible upset by MacLachlan though, especially if nostalgia fever sets in.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Jessica Biel, The Sinner Nicole Kidman, Big Little Lies Jessica Lange, Feud: Bette and Joan Susan Sarandon, Feud: Bette and Joan Reese Witherspoon, Big Little Lies

I would love to see Lange and Sarandon tie for this prize because their performances were the stuff legends are made of. However, this is Kidman’s race to lose. Raw, emotional and completely vulnerable, she gave us the goods and will continue her victory lap.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Alfred Molina, Feud: Bette and Joan Alexander Skarsgard, Big Little Lies Daid Thewlis, Fargo David Harbour, Stranger Things Christian Slater, Mr. Robot

So one of my biggest beefs with the Globes is this catch-all category which can be ridiculously abundant in top talent; in any given year, any of these guys could win this award because the performances are THAT strong. Skarsgard played the hell out of a villainous role and has been the favorite since the nominations were announced. However, Harbour’s show may be more recent and more hip in the minds of voters. I still give Skarsgard the edge but it’s pretty thin.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Laura Dern, Big Little Lies Ann Dowd, The Handmaid’s Tale Chrissy Metz, This Is Us Michelle Pfeiffer, The Wizard of Lies Shailene Woodley, Big Little Lies

Can we just soak in the star power of this category for a few seconds? Like the lead actress category, this one is loaded with talent and it’s downright criminal that any of these ladies walk away empty-handed. Dowd and Dern are flying high off of last fall’s Emmy wins, with many considering them the frontrunners. However, I’m going with Metz - This Is Us’ second season has been stronger than its first and this should be her time.

Come back tomorrow to see my picks for the television comedy and drama categories.

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thatshighlyoffensive · 6 years

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That’s Highly Offensive: 2018 Golden Globes

Y’all know I only wear all black all the time, so I find the fact that Hollywood is "uniting" against whatever tonight by wearing all black to be kind of a stupid way to pussy foot around the issue, but who asked me? This should have been a night when the carpet looked the way I think it should at all times, but honestly, a lot of stuff looked makeshift and cheap to me. And WHAT was with all the skirts-over-pants nonsense?? I thought that was over. Also, forgive the overuse of the funeral garb schtick but what choice did I have?

Wow. It's rare that the first look I see ends up being the worst dressed of the night, but Debra Messing has just taken the cake, eaten it, made another cake, eaten that, made another one, and took that too. I know it's cliché but MESSing says it all. #thefacesofmeth That emerald eyeshadow and those Elvira for Family Dollar false lashes!! And WHAT is that dent in her forehead?? I’ll tell you what it is… bad Botox. Or Juvaderm. Or whatever expired baby bunny cartilage her dermo found in Karen Walker’s dumpster. Oh and also, she’s wearing the dress version of Liza’s putty kkk hood shoes and it’s all HIGHLY offensive.

Kelly Clarkson- "From Justin to King Midas" if King Midas was a lizard...

Kristin Cavallari went as 1999 Oscars Angelina Jolie but with a ballerina's bun and I'm not ok with it.

I honestly have nothing bad to say about Tracee Ellis Ross’s outfit. The phrase ‘Charmin Noir’ comes to mind, but let’s not bc you know how much I love a turban/wrap!

Meryl Streep: You bore me to tears. I like your glasses.

It seems to be literally KILLING Giuliana Rancid that she can’t ask “Who are you wearing?” bc she is incapable of NOT pointing out the fact that she’s not asking that question to every person she's interviewed. And as always, she looks like the Queen from Antz but this year her skin is a particularly orange shade of Oscar Meyer all beef frank. She also has one of the most bulbous horse hair dino ponytails I’ve ever seen. She's like the anorexic version of Starla from Napoleon Dynamite. AND HER TAN LINES! I didn't know you got those from bottled self tanner...

Catherine Zeta Jones: I am still obsessed with CZJ even after recently rewatching Ocean’s Twelve for the first time since Cat and I fell asleep in the theater. Her face, her body, her dress, her earrings, her love for her thousand year old father in law… I am fully behind all of it!

Penelope Cruz: See above. #stunning

I don't know who this woman from Outlander is but I do know she better be on her way to audition at Tweetsie Railroad.

Connie Britton: NO.

Jessica Biel and J. Tim- don’t NO ONE CARE. I don’t know one person who watched ‘The Sinner’ (most people didn’t even know what I was talking about when I asked if they’d heard of it), so the fact that she is nominated is a testament to that Sexy Back money and nothing more. Just her talking about being a producer of the show is like… We get it…you’re the only one who would pay you to be an actress anymore. PS, your arms are fabulous.

Mandy Candy Moore: Olé!

Holy shit Diane Kruger looks amazing.

Unfortunately, Sarah Paulson is one of those I feel looks like she's in something cheap. Really cheap. Like she stole a leotard from the Xanadu Mourning collection and wrapped a table cloth around herself. And I can't say I love the choppiness of her bob.

Michele Williams- I’m still not over how ridiculous you looked on Dawson’s Creek, but your pixie has grown on me over the last few years but OHMYGOD what is that shelf in the back? Lloyd Christmas called…

Seth Myers looks like the singing sword and a foot had a baby and named it Cheremy.

Jamie Chung- First of all, why are you here? Secondly, you look like the winner of a ‘Grunge Bride’ themed stripper contest sponsored by Hefty in 2002. Those shoes….

Alexis Bledel- Let’s get this out of the way: I can’t stand you. You’re a mumbler with creepy Kewpie doll eyes and mouth. But as for what you’re wearing, GASP you’re not wearing solid black so you obviously don’t care about women!! But also, you must not care about yourself either because you look like one of Ariel’s sisters and Dionysus had a baby and it came out haunted.

Why is Dave Franco wearing so much rouge????

Alison Brie- Ok, you can channel Audrey Hepburn, I guess. Although her dress does resemble my senior prom dress from Cache. Oh wait- there’s a pants leg. You’re trash.

William H. Macy: Did Grubby die? That’s the only reason I can think of for Teddy Ruxpin to show up to the Golden Globes in all black…

Gal Gadot is clearly going to an audition for "A Chorus Line" after the Globes. Why else would she steal a maitre'd's jacket and cut it in half?

Saoirse Ronan looks perfect all around. I need all of it immediately, even though I’d look more like Bruce Villanche dressed in drag doing a David Bowie tribute than her svelte awesomeness…

Eva Longoria looks like a pregnant Sharpie.

It took me a solid 3 seconds & a glance at the caption to figure out I was looking at Halle Berry and not some mixed berry bag of Skittles from a prom themed episode of the CW’s Gossip Girl revival. And her bangs look gross and ridiculous. #whywontsheage??

I take it back: Reese Witherspoon looks like the pregnant Sharpie. Or maybe her daughter has decided to become a fashion designer and this was her first foray into an origami—inspired collection? #blacktobasics

Nicole Kidman (or Nicky Kickin it in the Moulin Rouge, as Jack McFarland calls her) looks flawless, as always. The one negative thing I will say is that I find flutter fly cap sleeves to be among the most offensive things in adult female fashion (mainly because the only humans that can pull them off are pre-teens, anorexics and Kate Moss (not that she’d ever wear them).

Viola Davis wins everything. Omg that hair and makeup and jewelry and dress. ⚰️⚰️⚰️

Did Zac-without-a-K Efron want people to mistake him for Milo Ventimiglia? Is that the reason for the mustache? Why is he even there? GASP! Are they already remaking High School Musical (because you know that’s in the works…) with him starring as Troy again?!? #prayerhands

Why exactly is Naomi Campbell at the Golden Globes, must less in a piece from the never-to-be-seen sketches Vivienne Westwood did for Guy Richie’s new pandering remake starring Madonna as Herlock Holmes?

Lily James- You are gorgeous perfection and I mean that because anyone that stars in a live action Disney remake is automatically on my shit list (I’m looking at you, Emmas Stone and Watson…) but what the actual hell are you wearing? You look like a Project Runway contestant’s submission on the theme “Maleficent’s entrance to the party.”

Octavia Spencer looks like the teacher who got to play Glinda’s role in a #metoo fundraising, high school production of Wicked after the lead was stricken with mono.

Greta Gerwig- I’m tempted to allow it, but only if you’re intentionally channeling Marchesa Luisa Casati.

Angelina Jolie- oh. my. god. I know I’m biased (as one of her long lost, adopted children she’s never acknowledged or heard of) but I cannot say one bad thing about this, especially since I’ve been in 100% Bombshell Manual mode lately and anything with feathers or frills or femininity is giving me LIFE. #bestdressed

Elizabeth Moss: from Polly to Pollyana. Anyone that gets that is my lifelong friend and anyone that doesn’t please never talk to me again. But seriously honey, that waistline is not your friend.

Jessica Chastain- I think I love everything about this but am i crazy or does it make her look a little bulky? Tell me I’m crazy. I’m crazy. (Narrator: She was definitely crazy.)

omg Maggie Gyllenhaal is wearing the same Castle Greyskull, droopy-sleeve of wizard-vagine garment as Debra Messing! Is this a thing?? Gross. And those earrings are stupid too but I don’t know why.

Emilia Clarke is perfection (minus the bow but moving on) and I don’t even love GOT.

Geena Davis stole one of CZJ’S costumes from Chicago and i can’t say that I’m angry. I will say that I’m angry that the head designer at LOFT got hold of it and added a few of those filthy lace panels before she walked the red carpet, but since she still looks pretty flawless…I’LL ALLOW IT.

As always, Lena Headey looks like the drunk, badass aunt who was a groupie before falling into acting so I love her even more than when she gets drunk and sets people on fire on tv. The dress does look like something a goth would make to wear to a Renaissance fair, but who cares when she looks that cool in it?

I love Margot Robbie more than almost anyone in Hollywood today (even though she stole my life’s dream of playing Tonya Harding. Seriously, I’d started writing a short right before they announced that movie and I’m not even kidding), but I can’t say i know exactly what she was going for with this look… an Elsa-possessed mistletoe over her womb to subtly announce she’s expecting? A tribute to the portion of Fantasia where fairies ice skate to ‘Waltz of the Flowers’ as a nod to the ice goddess she plays in ‘I, Tonya?’ I’ve been staring at it for a few minutes now and can honestly say I have no clue.

Gwendolyn Christie- I have no idea what you are wearing but I do know that I am obsessed with your GOT character so you have my permission to do whatever you please.

Kerry Washington unfortunately looks like some anorexic basic at her junior prom. And those floral net booties are what a leprechaun wears to a funeral. wtf. Oh but her hair is on point.

Kate Hudson- Je refuse.

Chris Hemsworth can do no wrong even in a suit made from a brocade table cloth and VELVETEEN shoes so don’t even worry about it, honey.

Michelle Pfeiffer- omg i am heartbroken over how matronly you look!! As anyone who knows me knows, my mother could pass as your identical twin, so I take it kind of personally when you show up on the red carpet dressed as Marian the librarian’s widowed sister, Ovarian.

Zoe Kravtiz- Sweetie, it’s already been done and its name was Natalie Portman. A chunky, funky emerald earring does make you look like Audrey Hepburn's edgy cousin though. Whatever- you still look gorgeous and I love you.

Kendall Jenner- There are so many things wrong with your look, much less your existence, but I’ll just sum it up with this: T. STRAPPED. POINTY. TOED. SHOES. Also, lay off the brow botox before you look like Debra Messing, or worse, Kylie Jenner. #gasp

Sarah Jessica Parker literally went as her character from Hocus Pocus attending a funeral.

Isabelle Huppert wins the night! Nope, spoke too soon. Her dress has those damned flutter sleeves on it too! What IS that? It’s trash, is what it is…

Roseanne Barr forgot to put a dress over her Spanx…

Ok, that's all I got. I barely watched any of the actual show bc I can't with most of those self important a-holes, so I can't comment on anything "exciting" or "interesting" that might have happened. Let me know if I missed anything highly offensive🥂

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