What an awful way to start my Saturday

vent

tw: sh and ed mention

I'm a terrible person.

all I want is her attention and love more than she gives it to others and I don't normally get this jealous. I don't even know if it was jealousy, if so it isn't the kind I normally feel. I felt nauseous and lightheaded and now do each Time I think about it.

one friends has been going through a lot recently and I guess she told П some stuff and П requested to see her in the afternoon. she sounded really serious and has done similar things for very insignificant moments- that is just how it is with her a lot -but there was a tone with her voice that I could tell was different

so my friend went to her in the afternoon, into her office and closed the door. a lot of others were outside in the hall and classroom waiting for directions to start rehearsal and ready on stage and I had been okay before this, but they closed the door? I knew something was wrong from comments before, I could see my friend's face through the little square window and they weren't laughing I can tell you that.

I shouldn't feel like this! I don't think I could put the word "jealousy" to this feeling. I am also worried. my closest friend (which isn't saying much) and I have told each other a lot about what has been doing on in our lives, with our mental health, and I asked her "hey, are you alright." and she brushed it off and then said "I can't say". we haven't known each other for more than a year if im being honest, I shouldn't expect her to tell me everything. why do I feel so nauseous?

now my mind also went to П having said something about herself, but I can't see her doing that with this person. but maybe I am just being self centered and thinking she mostly only mention things to me. but my friends "I can't say" makes me think ???

why can't I open up to П? I have wanted to for so long especially in October and then again quite recently. my mother (after many months of not noticing at all but saying she knew me so well and knew everything that I thought) found out about my sh and said "you can always tell me everything" but continue judging me and making me feel bad. she sent me to therapy which I can't talk to this poor woman about anything other than Viola and orchestra to save my life. I just nodded and shook my head to all the questions she asked me relating it. I can't talk to her about anything and I think she thinks im getting better but I don't feel like I am.

but I have told П so much already why can't I come to tell her this!? she can't and won't "report" me for self harm if I tell her people are already trying to help and already know, I just need to get things out and I don't have anyone to tell. why can't П see how much im struggling when she can see tiny things in kids she hardly knows.

and maybe she does see how much I am struggling and all the tiny bits of love she's given me is just pity. does she just hate me but feel bad enough to make sure I don't kill myself. I mean, its not fully her job but it is her job, you know. its her job to make sure her students grow and she is a naturally kind person. so maybe I have just made all of this up? maybe I really am just another student.

why can't anyone see that I'm struggling? my grades have dropped so much over the past year and a half, its hard to complete assignments and then I will wake up in the middle of the night and lose sleep over them?! I have lost a lot of weight and hardly eat one meal in one day, i'm sure people have seen scars by now, seen changes in my mood, and nobody says anything. maybe they have noticed, and I guess i'm fine that most people don't "notice" (??) but my own mother and few close friends do nothing either.

I just want to tell her everything. in some ways she deserves to know but I don't want to be a burden on her. she has so much on her already and I know she is stressed to the point of making herself sick about competitions and performances. so why would I tell her? and I don't think I will have a chance to tell her after everything.

do I just want to tell her because I may never see her again?

why am I such a shit person? I shouldn't feel like this about my poor friend that just wants help. but I want help and love too.

different causes of sickness

a friend had asked me for some advice on how I write differences between different types of sickness or reasons someone could get sick! so I typed up a reference of details I try to keep in mind in my writing. not by any means meant to be comprehensive but these are some of the more common things I see used or use myself!

eta: if you found this interesting or useful consider tipping me on kofi (/jallyns) or getting a $5 commission so I can fix my computer

drinking related:

drank too much: everyone’s threshold for this is going to be different obvs both in terms of how much alcohol they need and how wasted they’re able/willing to be before getting sick. also ime you have to be QUITE drunk for being drunk alone to make you sick, to the point where it may be dangerous, so personally I like this combined with something else - motion, something not sitting right in their stomach, etc - but it can be good otherwise too. probably the first thing the character will notice or be aware of if they have any warning is that being drunk stops feeling good at this point. they might feel flushed and/or clammy and will probably feel dizzy, their mouth might feel really dry depending on what they’ve been drinking. this is probably also the point where they recognize they have limited control of their body, feet might feel too heavy to move or head might be spinning, may feel very clumsy and suddenly become AWARE of it.

they might FEEL motion sick even if they’re not moving too because their motion sense is fucked at this point. might feel heavy but this is likely to be a whole body heaviness NOT just their stomach (though they might be very aware of it); might or might not be able to place the feeling of nausea. maybe burping but it depends on what they’ve been drinking (carbonated or not, mixed with soda, etc) and what else they ate! they MIGHT feel okay after throwing up but their friend probably shouldn’t let them drink anymore even if they do.

also this might come with very little warning, they may go from feeling fine and giggling with their friends to suddenly feeling Wrong to hurling all over the floor in a matter of minutes or even a few seconds. if they have friends with them who have been with them drunk regularly, depending on who’s more sober their friends might notice they look unsteady and/or queasy before they realize they don’t feel well.

other good things here: alcohol that tastes so strong it’s all they can taste when they throw it back up, feeling dizzy but not placing it as nauseous right away, feeling like their head is too heavy to lift. reeling on their feet when a drink hits them too hard and feeling the whole room spin.

drank too quickly - more likely to come on SUPER suddenly, but they’ll probably recognize it right away (unless they’ve already been drinking) because the alcohol hasn’t had time to get to their brain yet. so with gradually drinking more than they should they will get drunk first and THEN get sick, but if they drink too much too fast right off the bat they’ll start to feel some effects probably but they’ll also know pretty quick that their drinks aren’t gonna stay down.

hung over - throwing up from a hangover is a combination of a buildup of alcohol byproducts in the stomach, and the stomach lining being irritated + producing more acid. a headache is also a significant part of the misery of a hangover but (unlike a migraine, where the pain directly leads to vomiting) isn’t necessarily related to any queasiness, so the headache might get worse with sound, light, or movement, but their stomach likely won’t. they might feel a little like they have heartburn (or actually GET some acid reflux) from acid buildup, and their stomach might be sore or feel too warm as well as being upset. 

the only real cure for a hangover is slow sips of clear fluids and bland foods to help settle the stomach and reduce the acid, but lots of people swear by other things - certain kinds of foods, drinking more alcohol, etc, so that’s something you can have fun with! depending on how much alcohol is still in their bloodstream, they might also still feel a little drunk/tipsy and have some issues with their balance, thinking clearly, etc, which could make the nausea worse; also some people might always get sick from hangovers but others might not so consider how your character deals with that! They also might wake up sick, or feel sick right away, or might not feel sick at all until trying to get some fluids or take meds for their headache (especially since ibuprofen/aspirin also irritate the stomach lining).

food related:

ate too much -  character will likely feel bloated and tight, food might feel heavy in their stomach. depending on what they’re stuffed with there might be burping esp if there’s a lot of gas in their stomach, or a lot of gagging and unproductive dry heaving if it’s very heavy/solid. might need to drink something to get anything up, or have help from someone, or might just take a while to finally puke as their overstuffed stomach struggles to break down their meal enough that their stretched out muscles can get anything moving. any firm pressure on the stomach is gonna feel worse and likely to make them gag even if they’re not ready to throw up yet. maybe weak strained tummy noises as they try to digest. (side note if a lot of their stomach contents are liquid like soup, drinks, etc they’ll throw that up a lot faster; also a good excuse to discuss sloshing/jostling/swirling around in their tummy)

ate too quickly - ties in well to eating too much since it’s easy eating in a hurry to not realize you’re full until it’s already a little late - eating or drinking anything too fast can also make some people’s stomachs hurt or get upset in general, and is an easy way to end up swallowing a lot of air which can obviously lead to feeling much more full and tight with lots of burping that could easily bring up more!

ate something bad - this could be rotten, poorly prepared, or just something that upsets their stomach but what it is might change the feeling of it so there’s definitely variety here. probably also feels heavy but more localized, like they can feel the specific food they ate and where it’s settled in their stomach. might also be painful and cause cramping and tenderness. imo nausea from this is more likely to come in waves and recede but might also be more readily recognizable as nausea. some things I like in this scenario - character thinking about what they ate and feeling worse, imagining they can feel individual parts of their food in their stomach, burping and tasting what they ate (possibly noticing the taste having gone sour / etc in their stomach). good place to describe stuff like how greasy smt was/feeling the grease coating their stomach, or otherwise talk about the specific way the food feels in their tummy and how much it makes them want to puke. unlike with eating too much, they’re likely not to feel better until ALL of the offending food is out of their stomach (while with overeating, they may throw up a few times and then start to feel better once there’s less pressure on their stomach).

general notes - if something the character ate is what’s making them feel sick, a lot of focus on hyperawareness of how much food is in their stomach/how heavy it feels are gonna be big sensory things (as well as maybe taste, pressure/tightness, stomach contents moving around)

illness

appendicitis - if you’re looking for something more serious than food poisoning or a stomach bug, this is sure to end up with a character in the hospital as they’ll need surgery! the big distinguishing thing is pain, which will be sharp and located on the lower right side of the abdomen (or may start near the navel and move down). any kind of exertion or sudden muscle movement can make the pain worse. if the character or one of their caretakers is knowledgeable and suspects appendicitis, they might do the rebound test, which causes pain to get drastically worse AFTER placing pressure on the area and releasing it. sickness usually begins after the pain starts and may get worse when something exacerbates the pain as well.

in addition to nausea and vomiting, other symptoms can include fever, bloating, and bowel issues (either diarrhea or constipation), which will usually get worse over the course of the infection. if the character is treated soon enough (within 2-3 days) they’ll usually feel better after surgery and recover relatively quickly, but if they’re not seen by a doctor and the appendix ruptures they’ll likely need more extensive treatment including antibiotics and a longer hospital stay to make sure they won’t develop sepsis. (in some cases, symptoms could seem to suddenly go away when the appendix ruptures because it releases pressure, but worse symptoms would rapidly develop!)

rarely, there’s also such thing as chronic appendicitis, where milder symptoms may appear and recede over the course of weeks or months before developing into acute appendicitis and prompting surgery.

coughs, colds, strep, etc - can all cause vomiting as secondary symptoms thanks to postnasal drip, throat irritation, or forceful coughing. serious enough throat irritation or buildup of mucus can make a character gag, or feel the need to, and so can coughing up phlegm from their chest. if they’re sniffly and have their sinuses draining down the back of their throat, they may end up swallowing a lot of mucus too which can make them feel nauseous as their stomach gets full of sticky snot. I think these work best as emeto scenarios for characters with weak gag reflexes!

food poisoning - separate from eating something bad because food poisoning from a virus or bacteria is a longer lasting illness with a later onset; the character may first get sick within a few hours of eating the contaminated food, or it may incubate and make them sick within a day or two. like stomach flu (also frequently foodborne) many types can cause both vomiting and diarrhea, but symptoms vary depending on specific cause. characters also might puke early on and then develop more symptoms and become sicker later as bacteria multiply and produce toxins, and may take several days to recover from the later onset where they could have persistent nausea, or might feel okay and even regain their appetite if they don’t try to eat  but be unable to keep much or any food down. most types of food poisoning also cause pain, swelling, bloating, and cramping, usually in the lower part of the stomach and upper intestines, so those are other symptoms your character might have to deal with in addition to puking!

stomach flu - character may be feverish or achy as well as nauseous while their body fights the infection, which is an additional great source of hurt/comfort fuel! can cause both vomiting and diarrhea, so even food they manage to keep down might still sting them later. because it directly causes irritation and inflammation in the stomach and lower GI tract, character might throw up frequently or after every meal, or might be able to handle clear fluids but no solids, or some bland foods but nothing with significant sugar, spices, or fat. they also might only be able to drink or eat in very small amounts without bringing it back up. their stomach may hurt and feel like it’s cramping even if they haven’t tried to eat, and they may get only very brief relief of nausea after each time they’re sick because it reduces the immediate pressure on the stomach but not the inflammation; they might feel nauseous constantly or end up dry heaving even when there’s nothing in their stomach, and might need to keep a basin of some kind nearby for a couple of days since they can’t be sure if they’re done. dehydration is a common complication and can cause headaches, weakness, and dizziness in addition to other symptoms! the most common stomach virus, norovirus, is also EXTREMELY contagious, and virus particles can aerosolize and scatter widely during vomiting, so the caretaker may not be safe either.

injury, other medical

anaesthesia - people react to this in all kinds of ways but getting sick is really common so it can be combined with just about any reaction. character might be disoriented or dizzy and have trouble with balance, walking, other coordinated movement. some might be really confused and have trouble communicating their ideas clearly or say things that might not make any sense to other characters. from the anaesthetized character’s perspective though they’re  probably making total sense so it can also be fun to include their muddled thought process and what they’re feeling or thinking that they express in weird ways! other characters might feel pretty clearheaded and be able to communicate clearly though. they might feel “light” or like they're floating, or very  detached from their body; this may cause more dizziness and vertigo. they may also be cold they might feel nauseous right away and persistently from the anaesthetic irritating their stomach, or might only get sick from moving that makes the “floating” feeling worse. general anaesthetic is usually used for surgery so if they aren’t immediately nauseous the character can also wake up really hungry from fasting before, so eating too much or too quickly might also make them realize they’re nauseous and end up with them puking.

concussion - there are a lot of reasons someone might get sick from a concussion, but the most common (non threatening) are vertigo / vestibular disturbance and headaches! the character might  get nauseous or throw up when they turn too quickly or stand up too fast if their balance center is disrupted, or might have head pain similar to a migraine that makes them sick and can have similar sensitivities. mild concussions without other complications can still last up to a week after the injury, but the character should get sick less and less often as time goes on, so the most intense phase for sickness caused by a concussion is shortly after it happens! Frequently repeated or prolonged bouts of vomiting are often signs of more serious injury though, so if you’re keeping it mild they should probably be brief and a little spaced out even early on, though a character might have intermittent nausea between them. other symptoms of concussion are important too here - big ones are short term amnesia, loss of coordination, difficulty concentrating, and confusion. they might also hear ringing in their ears or sometimes have visual disturbances like in migraines! 

migraine - the pain from migraines can directly cause vomiting, especially when it’s at its peak, but it might also be caused by aura effects on balance and vision! (some people get tunnel vision or “kaleidoscope” vision with migraines, some just get dizzy, some people even hallucinate strong smells or tastes which could also lead to nausea!) for some people, the headache gets better after throwing up, but not everyone; they also might or might not feel the buildup of nausea or persistent nausea throughout their migraine, or alternately might retch or throw up almost IMMEDIATELY when any trigger makes their pain worse (common triggers are bright or flashing light, loud or high pitched sounds, strong smells, and sudden movement, but people have lots of different triggers so they can be a lot of things!) many people can’t chase off a migraine until after they’ve slept so you might also include them trying to get comfortable only to have their head start hurting worse or their stomach get upset and make them scramble to get over the trash bin.

motion sickness - anyone can get motion sick but some people are more prone to it than others! so you might have characters who always get motion sick in any moving vehicle, or who are okay in cars but can’t travel on water, or who only get sick with intense movement like on roller coasters - or characters who aren’t prone to motion sickness in general, but discover they get it when fatigued, anxious, etc. different characters might also experience it differently - for some there may be a cycle of gradual buildup of nausea until it becomes unbearable and they throw up, while for others it might come on suddenly, or they might have low level nausea throughout a trip but only puke when there’s a more sudden or violent movement. some people also only get motion sick after a period of time, and might be fine on short trips but get sick if they’re traveling longer.

other notes: many people who get carsick don’t get sick if they’re driving! being able to get fresh air also helps many people, as well as focusing on the horizon if possible. some people prone to motion sickness will also experience the opposite when sitting still but watching movement onscreen like in a video game. likewise, reading or looking at a still object for long while moving can trigger motion sickness, even in people who are less prone to it otherwise.

hii i just read all of your masterlist and i loved it kdjzjsj. Could i request a scenario where Asahi has been working long hours and never gets to see his wife. And his wife is secretly pregnant :o so they get into a scrabble and all is revealed but happy ending coz i cant do sad ending ny heart might shatter

Baby Daddy

hey, bub. thank you so much for requesting! here's an asahi angst to fluff with a pregnant wife. i hope you like it ❤️ stay healthy and hydrated!

genre: angst to fluff

warnings: mentions of nausea, mentions of monthly period, suggestive content

ft. asahi azumane

reminder 1: lashing out on your wife is not a good practice, especially if you're unaware that the said wife is carrying your child inside her womb

reminder 2: never slam the door shut on your wife

With shaky hands, you stared at the pregnancy test you were holding. Tears of happiness were streaming down your cheeks as you took in the two lines signifying that you are indeed pregnant.

You've been feeling nauseous these past few weeks and the moment you noticed that you skipped your monthly period, you immediately bought a pregnancy test to confirm your suspicions.

And so, there you are, now holding the positive test as you let the feeling of hope and happiness embrace your being. You smiled and reached down to place your free hand on your nonprominent baby bump. Sure, it was too small to be noticeable yet but the fact that you knew that there's a life forming inside you made you happier than you could've ever expected.

"Hi, baby. I know you can't hear mommy yet, but I want you to know that she already loves you very much," you whispered while rubbing small circles on your skin.

Once you finally calmed yourself down from the exciting news, you took a shower and put on some presentable clothes, the red silk of the dress you're wearing shaping your body perfectly.

You stared at yourself on the mirror and smiled in satisfaction. Despite how the dress accentuated your curves, it wasn't too tight to suffocate your lower belly. You put on some light make up and kissed your wedding ring as you finished.

The next thing you did was proceed to the kitchen to prepare some fancy dinner for both you and your husband, giving the table a finishing touch with a bottle of wine for Asahi.

You glanced at the clock and noticed that it was already 9 in the evening yet your husband was still out. You decided to send him a message but only frowned when you received no reply. Sighing, you instinctively placed your hand on your lower belly as you felt a sudden distress.

What if he didn't want the baby?

What if he leaves you?

What if he realizes that he no longer loves you?

What if-

The sound of door opening interrupted you from your thoughts and you immediately stood up to welcome your husband.

Lately, Asahi had been coming home late, always overworking himself to the point of exhaustion. To be honest, you were seriously starting to get worried but everytime you tried to confront him, he would only grunt at you and head to sleep.

You made your way to Asahi and helped him with the stuff that he was carrying, making sure that you only took the light stuff in your arms. "Welcome home, love," you said affectionately and pressed a lingering kiss on his lips.

Unlike the usual, Asahi didn't wrap his arm around your waist nor buried his face on the crook of your neck. You frowned at the lack of affection but decided to let it pass.

"What's the occasion?" he asked, finally taking notice of the food you prepared. The smell of steak was still lingering in the air and despite how it slightly made you feel lightheaded, you held it in knowing how much Asahi loved it everytime you cook steak.

"Nothing," you said as you placed some of his stuff down. "I just wanted to make you some nice dinner since we haven't been spending that much time lately."

Instead of answering, he only sighed and flashed you an apologetic smile. He made his way to his seat and waited for you before eating.

Silence enveloped the two of you and you can't help but feel your palms starting to get sweaty. The way he seemed to rush his food made you feel as if he was only eating as to not offend you. As you were about to speak, he downed his glass of wine in one go before standing up.

"I'm finished. I'll go ahead to bed, okay?" your husband said as he placed a kiss on top of your head, the sweet gesture doing nothing to soothe the negative feeling bubbling inside you.

You stood up and wrapped your arms around him from the back, hands gripping each other to lock him to your embrace. "Love, I missed you," you murmured against his back.

"Y/n, I don't have time for this. I'm tired, okay?" Asahi tried to uncoil your arms around him and groaned when you won't let him.

"Don't want to let go yet. I know that if I do, you'll go to bed again and when I wake up, you'll be gone. Can't I have even just a little bit of your time?" Your voice almost cracked at the end as the toll of his absences finally made its way to you.

He applied a little force to remove your arms before turning around to face you, a deep scowl now present on his face as he stared down at you. "Time? You want time? I'm sorry if I don't give you enough. Unlike you who just stay at home and do nothing, I have work. I have priorities so I'm sorry if you think that I'm not giving you enough attention. Geez, y/n. I'm your husband, not your damn babysitter."

"You call yourself a husband when you can't even prioritize your own wife?" you spat angrily at him.

You knew that you offended him by the way his jaw clenched yet you stood your ground because you knew that the problem wouldn't be resolved unless you confronted it head on.

"I wasn't aware that it's a wife's job to nag at her husband nonstop," he spat back. "Stop being childish and maybe then you'll do something productive and not just spending your time sitting pretty."

Asahi didn't let you speak and opted on turning his back on you. Within a few seconds, you were left alone as the door of your bedroom slammed shut.

You felt your blood run cold as you stared at the door in front of you. "I'm sorry," you whispered, not to yourself nor to your husband but to your baby.

Quietly, you began to clean up the table and wash the dishes. You groaned as you felt an upcoming headache starting to form, no doubt due to the stress you're currently experiencing.

You dried your hands and turned off the lights before making your way to the guest room. Your husband basically slammed the door on you which means that he didn't want you to disturb him, right? So if it's space that he wants, it's space that he'll get.

You curled yourself against the bed, the empty space beside you making you feel lonely. You were used to sleeping beside Asahi. Despite him always coming home late, you never missed the feel of him pressing apologetic kisses on your skin.

It wasn't long until a sob escaped your lips. Your fingers gripped the pillow beside you tightly as you burried your face against the soft cotton, silently wishing that it was your husband you're embracing instead of the white material.

Unbeknownst to you, Asahi was just as distressed as you were.

He couldn't stop himself from tossing and turning as he anxiously waited for you to open the door and fit yourself in his arms. He didn't mean to slam the door at you. He only applied a bit of force not knowing that the impact would be that much.

God, he didn't even want to fight you.

But the feeling of stress and exhaustion from his work along with the expectations of people made him irritable which then resulted to him snapping at you.

Not being able to resist you anymore, Asahi swallowed his pride and made his way to the bathroom to splash his face with cold water to wake himself up before he talks to you.

But he guessed that the cold water was no longer needed.

Because there sitting on top of the toilet seat are two pregnancy tests with both positive results. He carefully picked up one of the tests and stared at it with shock evident on his face.

You're pregnant.

You're carrying his unborn child and he just shouted at you, called you childish and disregarded your feelings.

Instant regret made its way to him and he felt his heart rate picking up. "Shit," Asahi whispered to himself as he paced left and right inside the bathroom, hands gripping the pregnancy tests tightly.

Asahi quickly made his way to the living room, eyes widening in fear upon seeing you nowhere. He surveryed the whole house while calling out for your name and only stopped when he saw your curled up form inside one of the guest rooms.

He sighed in relief and made his way to you, gently scooping you in his arms to carry you back to your shared bedroom. He removed the few stray hair from your face and placed a small kiss on your forehead and both of your swollen eyes, obviously the result of crying.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered as he showered your skin with kisses.

"Azumane," you called out with a raspy voice as you woke up from the light feeling of lips trailing on your skin.

Your husband stopped what he was doing and looked at you. "You're pregnant." It wasn't a question, no. It was a statement, one that was enough to bring tears into your eyes.

"I am," you said with a nod and took his hand, placing it on the spot where your bump will soon make its appearance.

Despite being cover by the dress you're wearing, he leaned down and kissed your lower belly lovingly. Pulling away, Asahi shifted himself to lay beside you, his hand reaching for yours to bring it to his lips.

"Im so sorry for what happened earlier," he whispered. He took your lack of response as a signal to continue speaking, one hand sliding around your waist to pull you closer to him.

"Im sorry for shouting at you and for neglecting my job as a husband. I was too focused on proving myself to my co-workers that I forgot the person waiting for me at home." He let go of your hand and wiped your tears with his thumb, his hand cupping your face as you leaned to his touch. "Please don't cry, my love. You know I hate seeing you cry."

"It's your fault," you mumbled with a shaky voice. "It's just... It's so unfair that I'm your wife but I still have to ask for your time and attention when in reality, you should be the one to give those to me without me asking."

"I know. I know, love." Guilt and regret were evident in his voice and the more Asahi watch you let everything out, the more he hated himself for being a bad husband. "But I promise you it won't happen again. I'll be a better husband and the best father to our child. So please..."

You nodded and buried your face to his chest, his scent helping you calm down as you cried everything out. Your hand gripped the back of his shirt tightly as you sobbed in his arms, warmth enveloping you as he rubbed your back soothingly.

"You're okay, we're okay," Asahi whispered, pressing a kiss on top of your head as he held you without any intent of letting you go. "We're okay, right?"

You looked up at him with tear stained cheeks. "We're okay," you said reassuringly.

After a few minutes of enjoying each other's embrace, Asahi slowly pulled away. A whine escaped your lips making him chuckle slightly.

"You dressed up for me?" he asked as he raked his eyes down your figure.

"I wanted to look good for you," you said shyly. "I haven't got the chance to change since you basically slammed the door on me."

"I already apologized with words." Asahi gave your lips a peck before settling himself between your legs, eyes looking up at you as he slowly hiked your dress up, a gasp escaping your lips as his fingertips grazed your thighs.

"Now let me apologize with my actions."

likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated ❤️

question: do you prefer the plain divider or this pink one?

[ ! ] About Zuho’s health

Hello fantasy! Normally I don’t really make posts like this but I felt like this is a topic we need to talk about, let’s get it out here once and for all. 

This is mainly regarding Zuho’s mental and physical health, but the current issue also contains other SF9 members. Let’s start at the beginning and talk about his waist problem. This will be a long post so please read it all.

Everyone now probably knows about Zuho’s waist injury. It’s the reason why he couldn’t participate in Narcissus promotions even after having been practicing the choreography, recording songs and joining the album shooting.

The first time we all saw how bad his injury really is was during the second story fancon when SF9 was performing Go back in time and Zuho fell and couldn’t complete the performance // he had to get [dragged] off stage by the other members.

Keep in mind, the second story fancon was June 2018. He still promoted for six months with this injury through Sensuous, and before.

However, Zuho assured Fantasy later on fancafe that while he was hurt, he got treatment and we shouldn’t worry about it a lot.

Obviously this isn’t really true, and Zuho ended up on hiatus from February 20th till~ March 17th. The doctor told him to rest for at least a month and Zuho’s back promoting ever since.

However, Zuho’s still not been completely healthy since he had to sit out a few performances during the current Unlimited world tour and, practically speaking, a waist injury barely heals in three months, let alone one month.

The second issue is Zuho’s eyes. Some of you might’ve noticed that in yesterday’s SFMuVi Zuho looked like he was in pain the entire 30 minute video, and basically at any point he’s squeezing his eyes shut or lowering his head.

Today in Zuho’s vlive fantasy was concerned and asking about what was wrong. From what I could understand he answered that his lenses have been bothering him lately and he got some sort of infection to his eye, so he had to go to the hospital in Korea to get it fixed. Again he tells us not to worry though... There might be more to this as I couldn’t understand everything he said but he kept assuring us nothing was wrong.

The third issue is what came to light especially today, and what made a lot of fansites/fantasy really upset.

SF9 are currently the face of the brand ‘Toreore Chicken’. You can find their commercial here. The problem with this company is their chicken is made with corn. Some of you may know Zuho has a corn allergy.

Zuho said this in his vlive yesterday: 

However, only a year ago even smelling corn made Zuho feel nauseous [the entire video he keeps pointing out the smell of corn], so this seems unbelievable. Zuho had to apologize for what he said in this vlive [about not liking corn] by FNC, which he did in today’s vlive. Some Fantasy have also sent Zuho hate comments because of this for some reason. Which leads us to the current issue of FNC not taking care of their artists in general.

The vlive has been deleted by FNC because of Zuho saying he doesn’t like corn. 

Fantasy are sending in complaints to FNC for mistreating their artists. I contacted a fansite to ask if they could explain the entire situation and this is basically what’s happening right now: 

basically it says "if you're a fantasy you would know that Zuho is allergic to corn and that Hwiyoung and Chani are the only members who really like corn [the other members dislike it]." im not sure whos blaming Zuho for what since i dont think it would be the members so maybe thats fans,,, "today in the vlive broadcast Zuho said that it was difficult to do the commercial because the smell of corn makes him want to die // because he has food allergies he thinks he could die smelling the food. because he's an idol it was a mistake for him to speak up about not liking corn" im not entirely sure here either "but FNC takes money for the ad without checking the health condition of SF9 first" because Zuho has a corn allergy it means they shouldnt have taken this ad "FNC deleted Zuho's vlive in which he said he didn't like corn and scolded Zuho, making him apologize on vlive today. he shouldnt have to apologize for that"

To sum it up, it seems like only Chani and Hwiyoung thought positively about this brand before doing a commercial. FNC is getting money from Toreore Chicken while Zuho in particular has to suffer through a corn allergy, and they’re not taking his health into account at all. 

My final point is Zuho’s mental health in general. In “Together with Zuho”, a series he had on vlive a few months back, every week he told us how he wasn’t eating well. Zuho said he barely slept and took one meal a day, if he ate at all. He gained a little bit of weight during Mamma Mia but SF9 members teased him a lot about it and some kfantasy asked him to lose weight which he did back then. However now he looks so skinny it’s becoming a little bit concerning. 

Zuho is also always thinking he’s not good enough, feels apologetic very quick and touches upon sensitive thoughts during these vlives. I’d recommend you watch them [they’re partly subbed] because it also gives more insight to Zuho’s mentality. He just seems... Very mentally unhappy and insecure about himself, and I never talk about this seriously but it’s actually a concern we should have.

↳ the mental health part is something im personally worried about and obviously not confirmed // i just always get particularly sad when i listen to Zuho’s vlives because he seems so sad and mostly exhausted himself

I just wanted to update everyone on what’s currently happening since I feel like Fantasy on tumblr aren’t really aware of how bad the situation has gotten. 

I'm beginning to think I might have celiac. Do you have any tips?

Well, first of all, go to your doctor with your concerns. Yes, even if it’s the USA, because celiac is a... kinda complex illness at times?? And will need a doctor’s verification, which you can only get while still on a gluten diet. You’ll get a blood test (and there’s also a panel thing you can do, because false negatives are a thing, but the names of all of them get me confused, so I suggest googling them for the names in case the doctor doesn’t know), and if it’s a positive test, they’ll want you to get an endoscopy (a super simple procedure where they put a tube with a camera down your throat to check your upper intenstine—it literally took me maybe a couple hours from check in to check out).

But like, most importantly??

Don’t freak out. If it’s celiacs, it’s gonna be fine. If it’s not, it’s still gonna be fine.

It may seem that you’re by yourself until you find more people with celiac, but there’s so many of us!! So even if you don’t interact much with the community, maybe follow the tags (if only to see everyone groaning and moaning about labeling... I am one of those people, haha).

But as for quick tips and tricks for the (potential) celiac

-first of all, until diagnosed, you have to stay on a gluten diet. So, I mean. Not to sound like a doomsday preper but if any time is the time to just eat every damn thing you’ve ever loved that has gluten in it, now is the time to eat it. (I personally gained like 5 pounds in two months I waited for the diagnosis tests to be done, I regret nothing. And if weight is a concern... well, first of all that’s about to get weird because celiac is weird, but I also _lost_ that weight quickly after.)

-Always know what gluten is. And don’t be afraid of that word. Just because everyone else doesn’t have to be concerned about a certain protein in wheat, barley, and rye (also watch out for oats, they are not your friend), doesn’t mean they get to be mean about it. This is literally your health—if there’s anytime you can snipe at someone, it’s regarding that.

-start looking at the things you already eat to see if they have gluten free (gf) labels. Gushers, for example-gluten free!!

-start saving for new cookwear. Yes, you’ll probably need new ones. Do NOT cross contaminate them, aka, use your new gf cooking supplies to make something with gluten. ESPECIALLY IF ITS WOODEN.

-people will forget, constantly. Be firm but polite until it’s ridiculous and it’s obvious they aren’t making an effort to learn. Then you may destroy them.

-also get a gf cook book.

-and check all the stores near you for different gf sections. I used to just do my groceries at a Walmart, now I also (and in fact usually/have mostly switched to) Kroger’s and Food Lion. If you have those stores, I suggest either. They’re usually (usually) good with labels.

-food is now even more expensive, but apparently if you track _your_ food costs versus _non gf foods_, you can get a tax break by claiming the extra cost is essentially your medicine. Don’t... quote me on that I know fuck all about taxes.

-most gf frozen pizzas suck. You’re gonna try them anyways but let me just go ahead and tell you. Freschetta is the best, I will fight someone on this, and Kroger brand is actually pretty good (add on garlic, oregano, parsley, and basil along with extra cheese for Even Better Pizza, to every pizza ever). Sadly, say goodbye to rising crust.

-you will have cravings for the most random things. Including foods you DONT LIKE. Because you can’t have them. But gradually your palette will expand for your new... selective diet.

-you will both hate gf fad people and love them. Mostly hate though.

-people ARE looking for a cure, but be patient, it may be a while. But it’s good to be hopeful—just be realistic about how it might not be up to how you want it.

-no, there is no pill you can take. Surprisingly, this will irritate the people around you more than it will you.

-if you can’t cook—yeah maybe learn. If you don’t make, say, mozzarella sticks using gf panko and rice flour, no one will. No, seriously. No one. (Unless you live in a gf haven, in which case—share your location I just waNNA KNOW-)

-you will be fine. In fact, you’ll feel better!!

-rice is your friend. Just go ahead and get a rice cooker.

-if it’s not labeled gf, you’re at your own risk.

-even if it is tbh because labeling laws are Awful.

-did I mention labeling annoyances because—

-people will call it a gluten allergy. It is not a gluten allergy. You will still need to list it under allergies in every paperwork thing you do for the rest of forever. Including the DOCTOR’S OFFICE.

-you may loose weight. You may gain weight. You might do both. So long as it’s not a severe or dramatic drop/gain, do not be too alarmed

-you will find random things about your body that you didn’t know was off due to celiac that will suddenly present itself. For example, my _feet shrunk half a size_ because of water retention.

-your search history will be weird.

-vitamins. If nothing else, vitamin b12 just TRUST ME ON THIS.

-find restaurants near you with gf things. Ask hard questions. Don’t be afraid to err on the side of caution and not eat there.

-some celiacs report having a higher sense of smell. This is... a thing.

-you will, at some point, go through the bread aisle and feel kinda disgusted, maybe nauseous. Surprise, airborne flour.

-love how your body is getting better and healing, even when it’s... really weird about it.

-pack your own food. Constantly.

-gf soy sauce. It is also your new friend.

-no but seriously, rice rice RICE. I didn’t even like rice until a year before diagnosis but liKE.

-everyone will have questions every time you tell someone. You do not have to be their personal search engine on this illness. We have smartphones. We have public libraries with computer internet access. You are not responsible for the education of someone else regarding your body.

-... people will ask what DO you eat. You can be honest, or you can just say you eat nosey people. People forget that that’s not... a normal question, for the most part, and that it’s actually not their business. (That said, people will ask kindly sometimes!! Or they’re trying to make sure they don’t gluten you by accident—and yes, gluten as a verb, this is more of an experience than something explainable. So don’t be mean just to be mean—but you also don’t HAVE to deal with Quincy Question getting up in your business.)

-people will say they could NEVER do it. They would. I did. You mighty have to. _They Would._ it sounds like a compliment at first. It quickly stops being one.

Essentially.... there’s a million and one inconveniences, I’m not gonna lie. But do NOT go back on yourself, no matter what food you miss, it is not worth it.

Most importantly though—breathe. Celiacs sucks but I’m honestly glad to found out. I mean I’d drop it in a heartbeat if there was like, a cure or a medication, but I was very sick—didn’t even know how much until later—it’s much better that I know. And if it is celiac, you’ll begin to feel better soon.

Also im not kidding, go join some gf and celiac tags and communities. It makes all the little annoyances better.

And celebrate the little things!! Gf cake is a THING THAT EXISTS.

Some Day One Day (Brian May x Reader); part 12

I’m sorry this took a while to post, I was unhappy with how it originally turned out and had to rewrite it a couple of times. Hope you enjoy it, next part will be up very soon, hopefully by tomorrow. The series is almost over :,)

tag list: @brighter-thanthe-sky @im-a-sheerheartattack @fruityfreddie @discodeakygotmorerhythm @killer-queen-xo @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen @alfinaldelarcoiriss @warren-lauren @kazzish @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @avengerraven1023 @imgonnabeyourslave

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They lived happily ever after since then.

At least, that's what I’d like to tell you, but we both know that’s not how it’s going to go, don't we?

However, things did go perfectly right for quite some time and everything in Brian and Y/N’s lives was amazing, especially their relationship. As soon as Y/N started her master course she got right into it, arriving at every lecture on time and with all her work done and ready to hand in, much to Brian’s happiness. All he wanted was to see her succeed, after all. At first he had offered to help her do her school work, but she obviously refused to let him do so, her pride taking over her rational side which told her that getting help wouldn't be such a big deal after all. Even when she did have classes with him she always rejected any help Brian offered, which kind of frustrated him, but he was even more proud of her when she got things right knowing she did everything by herself.

Then, right after school, he would drive her back to their apartment and they would spend the afternoon together, sometimes baking cookies for Emily and sometimes having sex for hours on end, depending on their mood. 

Mostly the ladder, though.

Y/N was in the second trimester of her course when something started feeling off.

She started waking up feeling something within her bugging her and she went to sleep feeling the same way.

She had been vocal about it with Brian, but even though he was keen on having a doctor visit her, she kept pushing her visit back, not wanting to cause any trouble to anyone and figuring whatever it was that made her sick would soon disappear.

knowing how easily she was affected by stress, she also figured that that could be the reason behind her sickness, after all she was still going through a hard time with her family and such, none of her relatives were particularly happy to find she was living with a man who was twice her age and had a daughter with another woman, but she couldn't be bothered to hide it either although she’d never told anyone that he was in fact her university professor, that was way too risky for anyone to be aware of. Still, most of her family were totally against it and a huge part of them had stopped talking to Y/N altogether, not that she was too sad about the loss, it was mostly just disappointment making her upset.

It could be the stress of knowing everything in your life is going great, cause that is in itself a reason to be stressed out, especially when you're used to dealing with constant chaos and people trying to mess you up.

It could be the immense love she felt for Brian moving around in her body everyday, which she often though would make her sick because she truly loved that man more than anything and anyone else.

It could be some of the things that little Emily offered her to eat when she played cook, they could absolutely be toxic for all she knew (she immediately felt silly for thinking something like that, knowing damn well how obsessed Brian was with double checking anything that came close to his daughter’s mouth to make sure it was safe).

It could be anything in the world and it was probably temporary anyway, so why would she worry the people around her? There was no need for it.

And maybe Y/N could have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for her body giving up on her, quite literally.

It all started on a foggy winter morning, Y/N woke up feeling rather ill and couldn't bring herself to have anything for breakfast. Brian had tried to convince her over and over again, but there was no point in forcing her to get food in her system if she felt like she couldn't keep it down anyway.

She felt extremely nauseous and lightheaded, and Brian was worried knowing she was most likely not telling him just how sick she was really feeling, so he tried to convince her to stay home from school, even promising to collect all the worksheets she would need to catch up on her homework, but to no avail. Y/N was very stubborn and sometimes Brian wished she could just give into his requests when they came from a place of worry and care, but he knew it would be pointless to argue so he just forced her to take whatever medicine he had at home and got in the car with her and Emily.

The whole ride he kept an eye on the two girls in the backseat (Emily didn't like sitting by herself back there, so whenever Y/N was around she would always offer to keep her company) and soon realized Y/N seemed to be moving in slow motion, like she was too tired to react to what Em was talking to her about. Not that the little girl would notice anyway, she was rambling about something that had happened at daycare the day before and she had her usual bright smile taking over the features of her face. She was way too young to realize how pale Y/N looked and how distracted she was, especially because she tried her best to keep up with the conversation, mostly so she wouldn't worry Brian.

She even offered to walk Emily into the building where her daycare was, which Brian begged her not to do as a lot of people there knew who Emily’s mom was and he knew they wouldn't keep their stupid mouths shut.

He tried once more to convince his girl to get back home right before they got into the school parking lot.

“I can tell you're not feeling great, why do you do this to yourself? Just take a goddamn day off Y/N, you're not gonna miss that much anyway”

“Brian, you know how I feel about days off when they're not necessary”

“But right now it IS necessary! It’s basically written all over your face that you're sick, I've never seen you look this pale before and you haven't even had anything for breakfast, which is not only unhealthy but very unlike you. Please, I am begging you, just let me drive you back home, I don't care if I'm ten minutes late to my lecture, I'm sure everyone will understand”

“I’m not having this conversation with you again, Bri. I’m fine. I’ll see you in third period” was all she said before angrily stepping out of the car and slamming the door behind her, leaving Brian in his car to curse himself for pushing her too far. He should have just listened to her, if she needed something she would tell him without being forced to.

He pushed himself to get out of his vehicle and to stop thinking about Y/N, he had more important things to focus on: papers to grade, lessons to go over and his students’ questions to answer. He couldn't afford to let her distract him, no matter how much he cared for her wellbeing, after all she was a responsible adult.

They both went on with their day as normal, even though Y/N kept feeling worse by the minute. All the people who had seen her that morning could sense that something was going on, but only a few of them pointed it out to her, not wanting to seem rude. She had sighed deeply and ignored everyone’s questions, wondering if she really looked so bad that everyone in school seemed to be so interested in knowing how she was doing. 

She almost got into an argument with Joe because he too tried to convince her to go back home. After their ‘date’ at the cinema, Y/N had tried her best to distance herself from him, not only because she knew Brian didn't love the idea of them hanging out, but also because she was almost positive Joe was crushing hard on her, and she didn't want to lead him on or have to deal with any jealousy issues. Still, he tried to talk to her almost on a daily basis and didn’t seem to get the memo that she just wasn't interested, so Y/N dealt with it and stopped complaining, knowing there was not much he could do once school was over. On that day, however, he had gotten so much on her nerves that she couldn't help but slightly lash out at him, it was none of his business how she was feeling and she didn't want to admit how seriously worried she was starting to become for her own health.

So, she just isolated herself until third period eventually came, and she made a mental note to herself to apply some makeup before entering the lecture hall so that maybe Brian wouldn't be too worried about her if she didn't look sick.

However, she never actually made it to the bathroom as she felt herself slowly slip out of consciousness right as she was getting there and her body fell limp on the hard floor. 

this is a massive fucking rant about all the things I’m currently angry about. most happened within the last 3 days but some of it is from before that

I’d recommend not reading this especially if we’re friends because I’m a very very angry person. I’m not sad just constantly fucking enraged so this is super long and just for the purpose of me like writing it before I explode also most of these are incredibly fucking petty and not worth being mad over but here we fucking are

a few days ago my mother refused to get my cats food despite the fact that they were completely out because she didn’t feel like getting up. she told me they could go without food for a couple of days and that if I kept arguing she would wait more days taking me  

my fucking internet never fucking works so I can only watch youtube videos in like 144p and youtube videos are literally my only reason for living so what the fuck

I got so angry and frustrated after that cat thing that I got unbelievably nauseous and had a headache so bad I couldn’t see so I just had to like put on headphones and listen to the rt podcast then my mother got pizza but I was like dying so obviously I didn’t want any so then I was frustrated because I couldn’t eat and also they’d gotten pizza without even asking what I wanted and they didn’t even know I wasn’t feeling well so that was fun 

 my moms fiance doesn’t believe in evolution and I still cant fucking believe that and my mother yelled at me and said I was being judgmental and selfish for being exasperated and annoyed at him when he repeatedly brought up the subject and said evolution was a government conspiracy and a bunch of other shit 

they always put on shit they know I won’t like and if I ask them to change it I get told to just go to my room but if I spend all day in my room I get yelled at for not socializing 

her fiance always makes me watch baseball and I fucking hate baseball I hate it it’s so fucking boring and even if we’re watching smth else he’ll put the game on super loudly on his radio or phone and when asked to turn it off he grumbles abt it or fuckin leaves without telling anyone 

I really do not fucking like this guy he’s annoying as shit 

they were watching this movie heaven is for miracles and my mother and I only caught abt the last 20 minutes but I HATE those types of movies because most of the time the “true stories” they’re based on are entirely falsified for the purpose of gaining money so I just find them to be hypocritical and overall frustrating but I didn’t care that much because they said we could watch Bones when it was done. so my mom started crying and I didn’t understand why because it’s not real and we’d only been watching it for like 5 minutes so I asked why she was crying and she said “because I’m a parent so it’s more real for me” or something and I was like ok fair enough I guess I wouldn’t get that as I am not a parent so then I just kind of sat there and didn’t really say anything besides at one point my mom said like she couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to have a sick dying kid and I said smth like “well to be fair we’re all dying” which wasn’t meant as a “fuck you you can’t be sad bc everyone dies” but just as a general observation I guess and my mom kind of rolled her eyes and said you know what I meant and I said like yeah im just kidding or whatever bc I was then we sat in silence again for several more minutes until my mom saw her fiance crying and said “see franks crying too” which like ?? ok cool I don’t really care so I said “what’s that supposed to prove to me” and this fucking asshole turns and says “I hope someday you have a kid and that kid dies like mine did so that maybe you can learn some sympathy and respect” or something to that effect which is so fucked up on so many levels to the point that I nearly stood up and punched him. a) what the fuck is wrong with you that you’d wish for someones child to fucking die b) me not crying at a fucking movie doesn’t make me not sympathetic I’m fucking autistic I don’t cry at shit like that and I got the shit beat out of me enough for it in school c) I don’t have to fucking be sympathetic d) I’m fucking not now I’m just pissed e) if I had a child who died I’d be empathetic not sympathetic. I’m so fucking pissed about this. the only plus side is that for the first time in memory my mom actually stood up for me kind of instead of just letting me get shit on or doing it herself for my symptoms of autism. all she said was “it’s not that they aren’t sympathetic they just don’t cry at stuff like this” which isn’t much but hey at least she didn’t call me disrespectful 

today my mom told me to make dinner which like ok my main issue with this though is she never makes dinner by herself she expects me to at least help with the prep cooking and cleanup which again ok I’m ok with doing this but it’s expected of me no matter how I feel but if she even has the sniffles I have to make food and clean up entirely by myself and her fiance never does shit so all I asked was that she help me make dinner and she said I was being selfish. so then she decided to act like a fucking child by just making dinner and refusing my help entirely then not telling me she even made the food til it was already cold and had been 30 minutes. so I got my food and thanked her (she ignored me) and went upstairs because they were watching some movie I didn’t want to watch and I knew they’d throw a fit if I asked to change it so I went to my room so I could watch what I wanted then got a message that said “frank doesn’t want you eating in your room because it attracts bugs”. like first off I don’t fucking care. if you want me to eat down there then say it before I’m all the way upstairs and watch things that everyone can agree on not just whatever movie frank chooses without anyone else’s approval. 

all my friends keep leaving me on read. which like if ur not gonna answer at least don’t look at the message dude. and I got incredibly fucking irritated about no one but me ever responding to whether or not they can play dnd and I just want to fucking play and its so fucking rude not to at least say “I’m not sure if I can I’ll have to get back to you” but no one else really gives a shit I just get really annoyed about stuff like that and also about like everything. everything angers me. literally everything pisses me off

 the book I’ve been looking forward to isn’t very good I can’t fucking read it. It’s too all over the place and I’m mad because it fucking let me down

I’m really annoyed that everyone thinks it’s so appalling that I don’t like taz and that i can’t possibly have valid reasons. I just don’t fucking like it. and no one fucking watches heroes and halfwits which is good so why do I have to listen to taz

I saw this fucking stupid post that was like “game grumps: releasing an mlm dating sim made by queer ppl to support their queer fanbase roosterteeth: here’s a rainbow logo shirt for us to profit off of”. or something to that effect and oh my god there are so many things wrong with that. not least of which is that the game grumps did not fucking make that game. they are voice actors in it and to give them credit for a game someone else made is an incredible disservice to the actual fucking creators of the game. you also have to fucking pay for the game it isn’t free???? rt also did an event this year at rtx in which all the proceeds from their tickets went to a fucking local lgbt charity. the shirt also was made by and for not just the lgbt+ audience but also their fucking employees as discussed at the lgbt+ only panel at rtx. also when the shirt is released they may end up donating some of the money to a charity who fucking knows and who fucking cares. if you dont like it dont buy it. but to compare the dream daddy game to rt making a shirt to show support for their fans AND EMPLOYEES is absolutely fucking ludicrous especially because the game grumps didnt make the fucking game. both are cool things you dont have to fucking compare them and put one down in favor of the other jesus fucking christ

theres a spider on my fucking ceiling so I cant sleep

we ordered my glasses weeks ago and I told my mom not to have them ship it to our house and what do u know its been 3 weeks and apparently they never even shipped them so I have to get up in 6 hours to go get them 

I’ve wanted to be an animator since I was a child but in 6th grade I stopped drawing because my ‘best friend’ passed around my art at lunch so everyone made fun of me so my skills haven’t progressed at all and now I’m 18 and it’s too late. I don’t now to draw or how I’m supposed to develop a style. I just want to be an animator and I fucking can’t because of that girl and I just want to tell her how much I hate her but I can’t 

i want to eat cereal but cereal hurts my mouth 

there’s probably more but maybe this is it so anyway these are a few of the things im angry about because i get angry about everything

My dads a bully and an asshole. I cant raise my voice when excited and talking to mom about something without getting yelled at for yelling. Mom tells dad to hush im not yelling just empathic - actually true. Dad yells back that he doesnt care if its mothers day or that she has a broken leg - she needs to shut the hell up. Just for Christ sake if you can raise your voice and growl and throw things that displease you onto the floor - and expect me to pick it up - then you can deal with me being happy talking about shit you dont give a shit about a little but louder than my " inside voice " . For god sake you expect me to talk to you about anything? Like the other day we go out to dinner for whatever fucking reason - i dont want to go but i get told to stop complaining because theres something in it for me (i e the food I'm not hungry for and would rather not eat rn when there are left overs) - and we start talking about star wars. I like TFA better than Rogue one. Even aside from the fact they tanked all the cannon outside the movies (dad is all the salt about btw) he doesnt like TFA because to him its the SAME story, at least Rouge one was NEW. I disagree. "Defend yourself" like he LIKES arguing about fun stuff too but I mean not liking i dunno fandom drama online let alone irl aside this man has made damn sure throughout my entire life up to present day making sure I want to cry ( reguardless of intention thats what he did ) when i THINK hes upset let alone disagree or back talk or be disrespectful... So you really think I'm going to get into even a "friendly debate" with you when you ROUTINELY tell me my opinion is wrong, that other people are stupid or ignorant or... Just not no but hell no. I mean seriously just since Friday anytime we've disagreed with something he's said its "when are you going to learn I know what I'm talking about" and moms "lied" to him by ommission which IS a thing I grant you but you know what lies take fucking intent and mom was a bit distracted what with feeling stupid over falling down a mountain and breaking her god blessed leg. Maybe she SHOULD have thought more before letting herself be bundled into an ambulance when we could have gotten her but again kinda not at her best right then - more to the point I'll bet you dollars to donuts youre REALLY more mad at yourself you didnt ask more questions when she said she fell. And now youre TRYING to start fights for me Im honestly assuming because Ive somehow managed to strike a lovely balance of "im tired and letting your bs sweep by me as I treat you like an obstacle" attitude without actually quite crossing into being disrespectful. I mean we both know that by your standarda im being disrespectful but i havent given you anything to really work with so go me and heres hoping i can keep it up. I mean seriously. Moms dresser is coveres in things to be put away. Dad calls me cause moms legs broken and he's on the bed with hed cause back pain. So i pick up a sweater. Mom: that gets hung up Dad: well how tf fuck are yougoing to do that when you have no hangers Me: thats what you think **leaves to get hangers from my closet** Dad: when the fuck are you people going to learn I know what I'm talking about **leaves in an obviously upset state** A) had hangers. Maybe mom didnt but i did. B) isnt it YOU always on about asking stupid questions and thinking before i speak and paying attention? C) WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOW AM I GOING TO HANG UP THE SHIRT OBVIOUSLY ID GO GET ONE FROM THE LAUNDRY ROOM IF THERE WERE NONE UPSTAIRS WHY ARE YOU PICKING A FIGHT WHEN I'M DOING WHAT YOU WANT And its like that with EVERYTHING. We are all hard headed and stubborn and want our way. Welcome to the fucking Hyde family. But its only okay when its YOURE dumb ass pride that gets us into trouble? Fuck that. Youre a grown ass man. Youre married which is a partnership not a DICKtatorship. But fine. Youre both adults and if mom doesnt want to fight and let things slide FINE thats yalls business. But I'm a grown ass adult how you treat and act and speak to me and my mother is disrespectful as hell and im tired of being threatend everytime my tone and temper get away from me. Im tired of you saying my shits unacceptable when its only a fraction of your own behavior thrown back at you and not only did i learn it from you youre the one driving me to it with your bs. I am tired. And yeah I'm not in a good place financially rn. But I've been homeless before and did paasibly well for myself. And I've noticed that since I've come back you havent said a word about your house and the door. You do and I'll leave. You grab me ever fucking again and I'll leave. Your behavior gets a smidge worse and maybe Ill fucking SHOW you yelling and then leave. Hell the only reason I'm putting up with you is because of mom and I DO want a functioning relationship with my family. And i know thats what you want too so why the fuck are you doing everything possible to.make me hate you? Why cant you pull your head out of your ass? I CANT fucking tell you what youre doing to your face because youve ensured youre never fucking listening when ive tried and turned it into a lecture about something else. Or gotten a stick up your ass about my tone when YOURES is what goaded mine. Youve made sure i feel weak for getting upset and crying or having any issue at all with you. I feel guilty because I should "know better" than to get upset and show it or tell you anything because youll turn it around and use it against me. I didnt magic up these fears and issues. Im not playing the victim. Im not making them out larger to be than they are. No you havent actually abused me. Yes youve helped me out. Yes youre not charging me rent or anything and let me live here and just need me to help out. But youre attitude and behavior and just... I get sick, literally nauseous with anger and upset and fear and guilt and everything just being in the same room with you for too long - especially if there isnt an active chore to be done. Im so fucking done. Youre a grown man you need to fucking act like it.

from for the dreams i want to catch https://ift.tt/2qv0SzV See More

some general tips for people with executive dysfunction

1. invest in a can of dry shampoo!!! they’re not particularly expensive (mine is batiste brand, i got it for $8).  showering a lot can suck for low energy people, esp people who are trying to get their hair to adjust to getting washed less offten (hair gets oily very quickly after long periods of being washed every day) and this can save lot of time while also making you feel clean!! 

2. BANANAS ARE A GODSEND. i get very sick in the morning, and im also perpetually low on energy, which usually makes me opt out of breakfast. but bananas are quick, easy, filling, and (fun fact) make you less nauseous somehow? idk. they’re great. if you never eat breakfast like me, try to start buying bananas more often as its a really good backup 

(this one’s kind of big so ill break it down so its easier to read) 

3. clean stuff as soon as possible rather than waiting for it to build up. it doesn’t have to be huge, time consuming tasks. just small steps to save yourself from some stress in the future. 

pick up clothes from the floor the second you take it off and put it in the washing machine. you don’t have to turn it on or do the washing now, but now its off your floor which is great!

throw stuff in the trash can the first time around instead of having it pile up. take empty cups/plates into the kitchen right away (you can go around the house, or even just your room and pick up dishes whenever you need to take a break from working or studying)

quickly do your bed first thing!! it doesn’t have to be extremely neat, honestly just dust off your covers, fold it at the foot of your bed and fluff your pillows a bit!! it took a minute but now your room looks a lot cleaner!

4. break up everything into small tasks/create routines that are very specific! my example will be showering.

when i shower, i break it up into very very specific parts. the first thing, probably the hardest, is getting myself in the shower. focusing on how showering is not a stressful activity, how it feels good and how good you feel after can definitely minimize the amount of time i spend psyching myself to get up, as overtime the idea of showering becomes an intrinsic part of your day rather than a task or chore. 

after i get myself in, the hardest part’s done, and i can relax. i do my routine, which at this point, has become a no brainer. my routine is: shampoo, conditioner (but i dont wash it out), body wash/soap, face wash, brushing my teeth (yes i brush my teeth in the shower fuck off two birds with one stone), and then finally i wash the conditioner out! this is weird but if im done extra quickly, i’ll let myself just stand there until the water runs cold bc idk i really like showering?? 

starting a new routine is always difficult but just stick with it. you can start introducing a routine one task at a time, you can remember to just wash your hair and then get out if thats all the energy you have today. and dont be ashamed about music in the shower!!! i played music on my phone in the shower every day for a year maybe? ive stopped now bc my last phone’s headphone port broke bc of water damage but anyway thats not relevant 

5. keeping a calendar and planner is great in feeling good and organized. you dont have to get a super expensive bullet journal, just start small. i got my current calendar as a christmas gift (theres food puns every month i love it) and my school provides planners. dont feel obligated to use it EVERY DAY and constantly have the best handwriting. just keep it on your desk in class and at home for whenever you need it

6. music and podcasts are good for any time. waking up but feeling super anxious and you dont want to get up? music/podcasts drown out your thoughts and can help you start your day in a nice way. studying and feeling really bored and annoyed?? listen to your favorite songs. trying to go to sleep but your annoying brain wont shut up? nice chill podcasts, or even just longish youtube videos help. 

music (especially instrumental music) is best for when you need to think and focus on a task. podcasts are good for menial tasks that dont require you to think that much, as podcasts are more engaging and have you focus on something so you feel less bored/procrastinatey!!! 

my favorite songs to listen to when studying are actually playlists ive made! (here and here) and my podcast/video recommendations are off topic and grumpcasts/long game grumps videos, but i understand that this isnt for everyone (cw: lots of swearing, dark humor, stupid casual racism/sexism/transphobia/ableism but its just something i put up with bc i really like michael jones)

i can’t really think of anything else right now!! these are just all the things i do that actually do help a lot

i see lots of sentiment in the studyblr community that basically says “your future self wont be pleased with your pathetic excuses right now :)” and stuff like that and just…please remember that executive dysfunction is never “just an excuse”, it is a legitimate reason for not being able to complete tasks. feeling frustrated with yourself is normal, but you should never be made to feel guilty for not being able to do something, no matter how menial or how crucial. you’re great and you can do this <3

from for the dreams i want to catch https://ift.tt/2qv0SzV via See More

some general tips for people with executive dysfunction

1. invest in a can of dry shampoo!!! they’re not particularly expensive (mine is batiste brand, i got it for $8).  showering a lot can suck for low energy people, esp people who are trying to get their hair to adjust to getting washed less offten (hair gets oily very quickly after long periods of being washed every day) and this can save lot of time while also making you feel clean!! 

2. BANANAS ARE A GODSEND. i get very sick in the morning, and im also perpetually low on energy, which usually makes me opt out of breakfast. but bananas are quick, easy, filling, and (fun fact) make you less nauseous somehow? idk. they’re great. if you never eat breakfast like me, try to start buying bananas more often as its a really good backup 

(this one’s kind of big so ill break it down so its easier to read) 

3. clean stuff as soon as possible rather than waiting for it to build up. it doesn’t have to be huge, time consuming tasks. just small steps to save yourself from some stress in the future. 

pick up clothes from the floor the second you take it off and put it in the washing machine. you don’t have to turn it on or do the washing now, but now its off your floor which is great!

throw stuff in the trash can the first time around instead of having it pile up. take empty cups/plates into the kitchen right away (you can go around the house, or even just your room and pick up dishes whenever you need to take a break from working or studying)

quickly do your bed first thing!! it doesn’t have to be extremely neat, honestly just dust off your covers, fold it at the foot of your bed and fluff your pillows a bit!! it took a minute but now your room looks a lot cleaner!

4. break up everything into small tasks/create routines that are very specific! my example will be showering.

when i shower, i break it up into very very specific parts. the first thing, probably the hardest, is getting myself in the shower. focusing on how showering is not a stressful activity, how it feels good and how good you feel after can definitely minimize the amount of time i spend psyching myself to get up, as overtime the idea of showering becomes an intrinsic part of your day rather than a task or chore. 

after i get myself in, the hardest part’s done, and i can relax. i do my routine, which at this point, has become a no brainer. my routine is: shampoo, conditioner (but i dont wash it out), body wash/soap, face wash, brushing my teeth (yes i brush my teeth in the shower fuck off two birds with one stone), and then finally i wash the conditioner out! this is weird but if im done extra quickly, i’ll let myself just stand there until the water runs cold bc idk i really like showering?? 

starting a new routine is always difficult but just stick with it. you can start introducing a routine one task at a time, you can remember to just wash your hair and then get out if thats all the energy you have today. and dont be ashamed about music in the shower!!! i played music on my phone in the shower every day for a year maybe? ive stopped now bc my last phone’s headphone port broke bc of water damage but anyway thats not relevant 

5. keeping a calendar and planner is great in feeling good and organized. you dont have to get a super expensive bullet journal, just start small. i got my current calendar as a christmas gift (theres food puns every month i love it) and my school provides planners. dont feel obligated to use it EVERY DAY and constantly have the best handwriting. just keep it on your desk in class and at home for whenever you need it

6. music and podcasts are good for any time. waking up but feeling super anxious and you dont want to get up? music/podcasts drown out your thoughts and can help you start your day in a nice way. studying and feeling really bored and annoyed?? listen to your favorite songs. trying to go to sleep but your annoying brain wont shut up? nice chill podcasts, or even just longish youtube videos help. 

music (especially instrumental music) is best for when you need to think and focus on a task. podcasts are good for menial tasks that dont require you to think that much, as podcasts are more engaging and have you focus on something so you feel less bored/procrastinatey!!! 

my favorite songs to listen to when studying are actually playlists ive made! (here and here) and my podcast/video recommendations are off topic and grumpcasts/long game grumps videos, but i understand that this isnt for everyone (cw: lots of swearing, dark humor, stupid casual racism/sexism/transphobia/ableism but its just something i put up with bc i really like michael jones)

i can’t really think of anything else right now!! these are just all the things i do that actually do help a lot

i see lots of sentiment in the studyblr community that basically says “your future self wont be pleased with your pathetic excuses right now :)” and stuff like that and just…please remember that executive dysfunction is never “just an excuse”, it is a legitimate reason for not being able to complete tasks. feeling frustrated with yourself is normal, but you should never be made to feel guilty for not being able to do something, no matter how menial or how crucial. you’re great and you can do this <3