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tellerluna-stories · 2 years

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episode 04: a faint chime heard by sunshine

CONTENTS: 01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. m.list!

TW/CW: none

A/N: bet you thought you'd seen the last of me. SIIIIIIKE anyway this chapter will be uploaded a little sooner than my usual sched bc I haven't updated in a while. irl stuff is slowly settling but my schedule is still super iffy so don't expect too much HAHA

Ever since that day, the atmosphere between you and Thoma had changed. You no longer tried to avoid him, and his little antics somehow shifted from being unnerving to endearing. The change was subtle and unspoken, yet it felt as if he was slowly bridging the gap between the two of you now that he knew you wouldn’t turn him away. Perhaps you could even be bold enough to say you were friends.

That sense of learning something new about Thoma never really went away, for every day became filled with a new colour that only he could bring— whether it was walking, eating lunch, or studying, the tasks that were dull and lifeless suddenly became things to look forward to.

One of the first things you learned was that number one: Thoma always took his parents’ advice to heart.

Every morning you walked to where your respective paths to school intersected to be greeted by the sight of Thoma leaning against a telephone pole, rubbing the sleep from his eyes while he waited for you. When you had asked him why, he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly and replied, “My dad told me it was the gentlemanly thing to do.”

And just like that, the dull commute to and from school was now coloured with a gentle shade of rosy-red. He told you stories and listened to yours, matching your pace as he walked on the outer edge of the sidewalk. (Another word of advice given by his parents, no doubt.)

You discovered another fact, one that revealed a soft yellow in its discovery: Thoma firmly believed in never allowing a friend to eat alone if he could help it.

Prior to hanging out with Thoma at the bakery, your lunchtimes had been mostly spent alone at the table in the furthest corner of the cafeteria. But now he had started the strange habit of sharing his meals with you; every lunchtime, he would whisk you off in order to have lunch up on the rooftop, complete with home-cooked food courtesy of Thoma. Yes, home-cooked.

He could cook practically anything under the sun if he just had the recipe— it didn’t matter whether it was Western or Eastern cuisine, or if it was some sort of complicated pastry, because Thoma would somehow manage to replicate the dish successfully. Of course, the amount of time it took him to master a dish varied greatly depending on its difficulty, but whatever he presented to you was always delicious. (Even if it was food that you normally despised with all your soul, which in itself was an uncanny ability. Just what sort of black magic did he put in his cooking?)

At first you had tried to pay him for the food, but he always refused— apparently it was leftover food from when he cooked his lunch, and it would be a waste if it didn’t get eaten. Not that you minded eating it, because Thoma’s cooking was divine.

Warm orange was the colour of your next revelation, a hue that mirrored the fading sunset that shone brilliantly through the open windows; Thoma was always, always ready to lend a hand.

He was one of the best students in his class, yet he never seemed to let it get to his head— Thoma was the type of person who didn’t care about where he was ranked academically and was always willing to lend his notes to others even if it cost him his ranking. Sometimes he stayed after class to tutor other students, though he always made sure to leave on time so that he could walk you home. Thoma was always a little too willing to volunteer for the jobs that nobody liked to do, which left you with no choice but to help him with them so that he wouldn’t be overburdened. (Well, you told yourself that you had no choice, anyway.)

But there was another unexpected development that accompanied the change; there was something different in your behaviour that made you nervous. It started out as an uncomfortable fluttering that started in your stomach and rushed through your bloodstream when Thoma did practically anything, and from there it only escalated further into weirder and weirder impulses. The first time he’d offered to feed you some of his food (with his personal chopsticks, no less), you’d nearly launched yourself off the rooftop in an attempt to calm yourself. And you normally didn’t have a hard time keeping a lid on your emotions.

(Alas, those shining puppy-dog eyes of his just also happened your mortal weakness, so you had no choice but to meekly open your mouth and allow him to feed you like a baby-bird. Really, it was unfair of him to have such an effective weapon in his artillery.)

There were too many signs for you to miss— the strange rush of adrenaline in your veins when you accidentally brushed against Thoma, the shortness of breath when he said your name, the unexpected fever that burned when you made eye-contact with him…

Nope, it was best not to think about it.

Of course, all of this had nothing to do with the fact that you were lying wide awake at three in the morning on a school night. You were certainly not thinking about it. At all.

(However, the search results on your phone screen said otherwise.)

“What am I even doing…?” With a groan, you threw your phone into a pillow and curled into a blanket-burrito of misery. The dim light of the screen glowed gently, as if to mock you with all the questions you wanted to ask.

SEARCH HISTORY:

[symptoms of arrythmia and fever around certain people]

[what does it mean if I get really nervous and flustered around someone]

[difference between platonic and romantic attraction]

[romantic feelings definition]

[how to tell if you have a crush on someone]

[i want to launch myself directly into the sun whenever this person approaches me what does it mean]

[how to directly launch yourself into the sun]

Alright, maybe the phone had a reason for mocking you, but still.

You buried yourself even further into your blankets and drowned out the existence of your embarrassing internet searches. Who’d have ever thought that you’d end up just like one of your clients, losing sleep over something as petty as this?

Suddenly Thoma came to mind, a mental image of him with his hands planted firmly on his hips as he scolded you. It’s not good to stay up late. Rest is important if you want to have a healthy life.

“You’re the reason I’m still awake, you absolute menace.” You said aloud, raising a threatening fist at the ceiling. The audacity of that stupidly pretty puppy-boy, for him to invade your personal headspace like that. Though it wasn’t technically his fault— if anything, you were the one lying awake and thinking of him.

And you didn’t want to be.

There was nothing wrong for people to have crushes; but for you to have one… it was something you wanted to avoid at all costs. No, it wasn’t just something you wanted to avoid— it was utterly impossible for you to feel this way. You weren’t the type of person who had the privilege to fall in love, which is why you locked those feelings away in the deepest part of yourself a long time ago, resolving to never acknowledge their existence again.

Burying your face into your pillow, you screamed. This was no time for you to deal with your unresolved angst! You needed to wake up early and go to school!! You could answer these questions tomorrow!!!

Perhaps it’d be a good idea to ask Thoma about it after school, a small part of your brain suggested.

Fat chance, said your common sense.

We get to see Thoma tomorrow! Another part of your brain cheered.

Sighing, you only pressed your face even further into the pillow. All of you, shut up and go to sleep.

(However, that didn’t stop you from delving even further for answers till the sun came up and having a near-meltdown over it, because according to the search results you were either madly in love or you were going to die in the next three weeks. Woe befalls those who blindly trust WebMD.)

“Thoma, what does falling in love feel like?”

The puppy-boy stumbled, just barely avoiding falling flat on his face. “E-eh…?”

The trees rustled in the wind, the rays of the setting sun painting the world in a watercolour wash of red, orange, yellow. For some odd reason, you couldn’t help but think that it reminded you of Thoma.

“What does it feel like to fall in love?” You repeated, a firm grip on the straps of your backpack (as if it could convince yourself that you had a grip on your emotions). “Or to have a crush… I don’t know, something like that I guess?”

“Wha- hey, your backpack looks pretty heavy! Why don’t you let me carry it for you?”

“You’re avoiding my question. And no, you can’t carry my bag.” Your eyes narrowed into a glare, lasering in on the overloaded backpack that he already carried. “I told you to stop trying to carry my things when you’re clearly overloaded. If you want to help me, then help me by answering the question.”

Thoma’s ears turned scarlet, his eyes remaining firmly fixed on the ground. “Well, you see… um- I really don’t know if I’m the right person to ask for this kind of stuff…”

The dead leaves under your feet crunched noisily as you walked, face conveniently turned away as you said, “…I’d feel awkward if I asked someone else.”

Or in other words, 'I don't have anyone else to ask.'

You didn’t mean that in a self-pitying manner, because it was only the truth; it would be awkward if you suddenly just walked up to one of your classmates and asked something like that out of the blue. Not to mention it would keep you up at night for years to come with the sheer embarassment— forget telling the waiter to enjoy his meal too, asking a near-stranger to help you with your love-life was a whole new level of wanting to wipe your memories.

Oh, and none of this has to do with the fact that Thoma is the only person you feel you could trust with a question like this. That small, annoying part of your brain hummed. No correlation at all. Totally.

“Ah, I guess you’re right.” He rubbed the back of his neck with an awkward smile, staring up at the sky as if lost in thought. “Well, if you’re asking me… I’d say it feels like you’re flying and falling at the same time, but at the same time you feel safer with that person than anywhere else in the world.”

“…Hah?”

“Okay, okay, wait— that sounded a little vague, so let me try and find a better way of putting it. I did tell you I wasn’t the best at this.” Thoma scrunched up his nose in concentration, cheeks slightly puffed out as the gears turned in his head. It took all of your willpower not to pet him the way you petted Taroumarou.

The wind picked up, sending dead leaves rustling down the street and tugging playfully at your hair— the way it whistled in your ears sounded familiar, almost as if it were humming a song that you had heard once upon a time.

At the same time, something in Thoma’s voice changed, a note that changed the entire composition into a tune that sounded even more tender and warm. “You’re nervous that they won’t like you and you’re afraid of showing the uglier parts of yourself to them, but you want to stay with them more than anything else— even if they end up seeing what you’re trying to hide.”

What you’re trying to hide, huh…

How did that apply to you, then? The feelings that you tried to stifle so badly, yet they bloomed within your chest all the same— was this what he was describing?

You didn’t even realise you had been staring till Thoma coughed, his cheeks flushed almost as red as his ears. “Well, this may sound a bit cliche… but I’ve also heard that part of falling in love is realising that they’ve become such a big part of your life that it’s almost impossible to live without them. I guess another way of putting it would be…” He pondered for a moment. “They become a home for your heart, without you even realising it?”

Your head swirled as you tried to comprehend the meaning of his words, but somehow all you could think of was memories of time spent with Thoma; the weekly trips to the bakery where all you did was to eat bread and laugh at Taroumarou begging for crumbs, sitting on the school rooftop and watching the clouds drift by. Trivial, everyday moments like listening to all of his stories and eating the food he cooked— they all felt familiar and comforting, just like…

Home.

The realisation sank in with an earth-shattering crash, and it was at this point you realised that you were absolutely done for. There was no saving you now, no way for you to turn back. Because somehow, somewhere down the line, Thoma had become a place of comfort for you, someone to whom you could show your true heart without fear of being misunderstood or judged.

You didn’t know when or how it had started, but now… now…..

Your heart ached wildly in your chest, beating as if it had finally been freed from all the restraints you had chained it down with.

"I see." You said quietly, eyeing a stray leaf that landed in your palm. "But if you really can’t live without that person, then…”

Then what? How would you be able to live if they left a gaping hole in your life when they were gone?

You had watched the rise and fall of many relationships, where both parties cried for a period of time and then moved on with their lives as necessary. But they had more experience than you in this area; what if he didn’t like you that way? What if you had been right the first time and he was toying with you? What if you confessed and ruined everything?

You were finally getting a taste of how the other people felt, but unlike them, you had nobody to turn to for advice other than Thoma. It was both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time— you were finally experiencing what you had thought you could never achieve, and that thought scared you to no end.

“Then?” He prompted, an inquisitive look in his eyes that made you want to melt into a puddle and right into the nearest sewer drain.

“Then- then…” Your mind raced for something, anything to answer him with; you couldn’t exactly tell him what you had really been thinking. “How did you live your whole life before you met them? It doesn't really make sense."

Thoma laughed, a warm sound that rang like wind-chimes in the breeze. "Romance doesn't always have to make sense. I think that that's part of- y'know? The whole appeal?" He tugged on your arm, pulling you to walk on the side of the pavement away from the street. “Mind your step, now.”

Well, he did have a point— you admitted that much to yourself. But it still felt too far away from reality for you to grasp, the whole… idea of someone just finding so much happiness with another person, just like that. It was still difficult for you to even process that you currently had romantic feelings for someone.

(There, you said it. Just admitting it to yourself made you want to run away into the woods to never be found again.)

But to like- no, to love someone enough to discard all logic and rules of reality for them— maybe it was something that could happen to other people, but for someone to feel that towards you? Someone like Thoma?

...Highly improbable.

"I don't really understand, but sure." You scuffed a tiny pebble towards Thoma. "I can sort of get what you mean when it applies to other people, but trying to see it from a first-hand perspective is beyond my capabilities."

“I’m sure you’ll experience it sometime in the future,” He replied, kicking the pebble back towards you.

“You don’t have to comfort me, Thoma.”

Thoma stopped in his tracks with an unhappy look on his face, and your heart clenched— it was at times like this that he looked most like a puppy. All he needed were a pair of droopy ears and a tail.

But instead of giving a scolding like you had expected, Thoma simply pointed ahead and said, “Look.”

Turning to look at the road in front of you, you squinted your eyes and tried to look at what Thoma was seeing; it was just like any other road that you had travelled, completely empty except for a bunch of fluttering dead leaves.

“Wow, um. A road. Such an amazing stretch of concrete.”

Thoma sighed and drew a hand over his face, though it did very little to hide the smile growing behind it. "It's not just a road. This is where we first met."

Wait, what?

“Didn’t we meet outside of our classroom…?” Your brain went completely blank as you frantically tried to recall meeting anyone here in this area— no, surely you wouldn’t have forgotten someone like Thoma. There was no way, especially with that blindingly bright aura of his that was the delight of all dentists and the enemy of opticians everywhere.

(Then again, you couldn’t exactly account for how little you paid attention to your surroundings prior to befriending Thoma. He could’ve waltzed right up to you with a rose between his teeth and you wouldn’t even have noticed.)

“You might not remember because you were probably distracted, but this was where I saw you for the first time.” Thoma continued, his smile growing bigger as he recalled what was hopefully a pleasant first encounter. “After that day, I really wondered who you were and tried to find you. Who would’ve known that we had been in the same class this whole time?”

Your fingers twitched nervously— the soft look on Thoma’s face was dangerous, too dangerous for your heart. The sight sent unleashed a swarm of nervous little butterflies in your stomach, all of them fluttering with one burning question: just what about your first meeting made him smile so much?

All you could do was pray that it was a good memory that he was talking about.

Though you did not remember your first meeting with him, Thoma certainly did, for it was something he could never forget. It had been the first day of the new term, when he was still unfamiliar with the route going to and from school.

That day he had stopped by the side of the road to try and figure out where exactly he had gone off-course, peering at the directions his dad had written for him on a scrap of paper— if he was going to be honest, it would've been easier to decipher hieroglyphs on an ancient, crumbling relic than to read his dad's writing.

“Are you headed for the school near here?”

He then turned and saw a stranger, one who stood on the opposite side of the road and gazed up at the sky with a faraway look in your eyes; the uniform you wore had the same school colours as Thoma’s, so it was safe to assume that you were also a student at his ever-elusive school.

“Ah- yes, I am.” Thoma said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “But I think I may have gotten lost…”

“No, actually.” Your reply was blunt but polite, a sense of no-nonsense that gave the impression that you were used to dealing with situations like these. “Just turn left at the crossroads and head straight till you see it.”

Thoma’s gaze followed to where you were pointing, and suddenly he remembered the directions perfectly— yes, this had been the right way to go after all. He heaved a sigh of relief and said, “Thanks for helping me out... I think I remember the way now.”

“No problem.” You returned to as you were, gazing at the roof of tree-branches overhead.

As he walked away, Thoma had suddenly felt the strong urge to look back, though he didn’t know exactly why. Perhaps it was fate, or maybe it was his gut feeling telling him something; either way, he wasn’t one to ignore his instincts.

He glanced behind him and did a double-take, freezing in place like a pillar of salt.

A faint humming of a song filled the air, the tune familiar yet alien to his ears. For a split-second, Thoma’s entire world held its breath in anticipation and waited— he watched breathlessly as you reached up with one hand, admiring the way the sunlight filtered through the leaves. The faintest of smiles worked its way up your face, the sound of soft laughter sending his heart crashing and racing tumultously in a way it had never done before.

The sound of his heartbeat slowly grew louder, drowning out your song with a deafening pulse— Thoma’s world turned hot and cold at the same time, everything sent into chaos at the presence of a strange new feeling.

He hesitated, lingering on the edge of the sidewalk like a fool who had lost his tongue; part of him wanted to call out and ask for your name, but at the same time Thoma did not want to disrupt the beautiful scene before him. In a daze, he slowly stepped away and crossed the road, the sound of your laughter painting itself into his memory like a bright, colourful melody.

(Said laughter also inadvertently had sent him crashing into a nearby signpost not long afterwards, but he deliberately chose to forget this particular detail in order to preserve the memory. )

And so Thoma spent his first day of school with an ice-pack glued to his forehead and a strange fluttering in his stomach that didn’t seem to go away, no matter how hard he tried.

“Thoma. Hoy, earth to Thoma.” You waved a hand in front of his face, but Thoma remained unmoving. “What are you doing, having a flashback sequence?”

He snapped out of his daze and smiled apologetically, making you even more puzzled than before. “Sorry, got caught up in my thoughts there.”

“What were you even thinking about…?”

“Hehe, that’s a secret.” Thoma tilted his head with that almost-sly look in his eyes, sending your pulse into overdrive all over again; it did not help that his hair did its usual habit of flopping to the side and making it appear as if he had puppy ears. “Let’s hurry up and cross while there are no cars.”

“You’re stingy.” You scoffed and continued walking— it seemed that you wouldn’t get an answer from him today. You’d probably have to wrestle it out of Thoma at another time.

Well, at least you learned two more useful things today: Thoma actually remembered his first meeting with you, and that you were…. probably in deeper trouble than you had initially anticipated. How wonderful.

But all the same, it felt as if a weight had been lifted off of your shoulders. The very fact that Thoma cared enough to remember where you first met (even if you didn’t remember, much to the pricking of your guilty conscience), to be able to get dragged around by him to places you’d never been…

This is enough for me, you assured yourself. To remain at this distance from Thoma, close enough to warm your hands without getting burnt— if you didn’t make a wrong move, you could remain happy forever.

Unbeknownst to you, Thoma smiled as he lifted your backpack by the handle. As long as he didn’t make a wrong move, you wouldn’t find out about him lifting the extra weight off of your shoulders. And if the burden was lighter, than perhaps…

He recalled the faint smile, the chime of your laughter that still echoed in his ears like wedding-bells, and promptly flushed red. Someday, he’d answer your question when he was ready.

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delightfulemerald · 6 months

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get to know me ask game

This is the first time I've ever been tagged on here, so thanks @lelephantsnail!

RULES: bold the ones that are true and tag 15 people to do it.

APPEARANCE

Blonde hair // I prefer loose clothing to tight clothing // I have one or more piercings (2 on each ear) // I have at least one tattoo (upper back and left side of chest) // I have dyed or highlighted my hair (currently it isn't dyed, but I've probably spent around half my life with my hair dyed) // I have gotten plastic surgery // I have or had braces // I sunburn easily // I have freckles // I paint my nails (they aren't currently painted but I prefer them painted) // I typically wear makeup (I rarely wear makeup, though I have a big makeup collection) // I don’t often smile // I am pleased with how I look // I prefer Nike to Adidas// I wear baseball hats backwards

HOBBIES AND TALENTS

I play a sport // I can play an instrument (I played piano for my entire childhood, and though I don't really play now, I still feel like I can if I really want to) // I am artistic // I know more than one language // I have won a trophy in some sort of competition (sort of, I have a trophy from the local theatre awards for Outstanding Ensemble) // I can cook or bake without a recipe (I guess I can cook without a recipe but I rarely cook anything) // I know how to swim // I enjoy writing // I can do origami // I prefer movies to tv shows // I can execute a perfect somersault // I enjoy singing // I could survive in the wild on my own // I have read a new book series this year // I enjoy spending time with friends // I travel during work or school breaks (sometimes, it's depends a lot upon what my husband and our 2 kids want) // I can do a handstand

RELATIONSHIP

I am in a relationship (married for 22 years!) // I have been single for over a year // I have a crush // I have a best friend who I’ve known for ten years (I have 3 best friends, one I have known for 32 years, one for 16 years, and the other for 9 years) // my parents are together (they divorced when I was already an adult) // I have dated my best friend // I am adopted // My crush has confessed to me // I have a long distance relationship // I am an only child // I give advice to my friends (try and stop me, but seriously I don't understand not being interested in advice) // I have made an online friend (I have made some online acquaintances but not sure that any of them have ever truly developed into friendship) // I met up with someone I have met online (we had mutual irl friends but she reached out to me online (through LiveJournal! Ha!) and we did eventually meet in person at Burning Man! Haha!)

AESTHETICS

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell // I have watched the sun rise // I enjoy rainy days // I have slept under the stars // I meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // I enjoy the smell of the beach // I know what snow tastes like // I listen to music to fall asleep // I enjoy thunderstorms // I enjoy cloud watching // I have attended a bonfire // I pay close attention to colors // I find mystery in the ocean // I enjoy hiking on nature paths // autumn is my favorite season (I love all of this except sleeping to music, those couple non-bolded things I feel like I have to try now)

MISCELLANEOUS

I can fall asleep in a moving vehicle // I am the mom friend (yep, since I was a kid) // I live by a certain quote // I like the smell of sharpies // I am involved in extracurricular activities (is this meant for kids? I have hobbies, is that the same thing?) // I enjoy Mexican food // I can drive a stick shift // I believe in true love (I think different people mean different things when they talk about true love or love in general. I certainly believe in something that could be called true love, but I feel like most people do?) // I make up scenarios to fall asleep // I sing in the shower // I wish I lived in a video game // I have a canopy above my bed // I am multiracial // I am a redhead // I own at least 3 dogs

That was a delightful diversion. Even though I loved being tagged, I feel weird about tagging other people, but if you want to do this, just act like I tagged you!

#me #tag game

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transannabeth · 1 year

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would you mind if i ask how you have the energy to do all you do? you stream games, do art, run and participate in zines, go to cons, podcast, and work irl??? (i think i may have missed a few there lol) where do you find the energy to learn all these things, and make time for for all these things? i can barely think at the end of the day, let alone learn new things lmao

i got this the other day while i was freaking out about deadlines which honestly makes it so funny. because one of those deadlines was a button that says 'no spoons' on it

so like a very important part of this answer is that i just started working full time, and before that, i was an online college student—even before the pandemic. i spent most of my college experience doing online schooling which genuinely left me a lot more time because i wasn't commuting or walking to class

my workload is shifting because i now work a 9-5(:30), but i have a hybrid job where i'm in-office one day a week. it's a long commute, but i only have to do it once

on top of THAT, i'm incredibly privileged to live at home with my parents, and they don't require me to pay bills or rent, so i can focus on student loans and personal bills / payments

those things have given me a LOT more free time than most people have. but you'll also notice that i post way less writing than i did in high school and my first year of college. that's because i don't have enough energy to keep that up

i procrastinate pretty hardcore, which all my friends will tell you, and i absolutely overwork and overload myself. i don't really "take breaks" from things, but when i do, i crash hard. (you'll sometimes see me talking about extreme fatigue and vertigo.. yeah....) i always need to be doing the most, which is how i ended up doing so many zines—if projects are at a slow point, i'll feel like i'm not doing enough and sign up for a ton of stuff to feel something and then have 8 deadlines at once and panic

(in that regard, i'm very lucky to have worked with many understanding teams that give me generous extensions)

and yet i STILL spend a lot of time lying around doing nothing, and struggling to get things done. i put off a lot of more important things sometimes (self-care, sleep, cleaning) to mostly do nothing

how do i get things done? deadlines stare me in the face and i panic

i am trying to get better about this, but the fact is i deal with a weird combination of needing so many things to be happening or i get even more depressed, but also relatively common fatigue that makes it a struggle to do anything so

i wish i had a better answer for you, but it's genuinely a struggle day to day to get things done and i've had to sacrifice other things i want to be doing so i can follow through on my other responsibilities (you'll notice i haven't talked a ton about original writing lately......)

most of my motivation is anxiety induced, even though these are things i really enjoy doing. the podcast and streaming are generally really nice because i am forced to slow down for a bit and get to hang out with friends. but you'll notice they're delayed in uploads and vods because i hate doing that part

this answer makes no sense because i don't know how i do it and i do not think i'm doing it well. but you're not alone in being unable to think, that's for sure

#not pjo #answered #anonymous #thanks from the argo!#writing this gave me anxiety SLJKLJFLKSJFLKDF i need to take anxiety meds now #thats mostly a joke im holding onto them bc im almost out

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ghostietea · 3 years

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Furuba autistic headcanons

With it being April, or autism acceptance month, I wanted to finally drop my list of characters from Fruits Basket that I read as autistic! This is based a lot on my own experience, as well as that of other autistics I know or have seen talk online. I hope some people can get something out of it, feel free to tell me what you think 😊, though please refrain from getting upset that I would dare suggest your fave is autistic.

Hanajima

Before becoming able to better control her powers, she would be constantly overwhelmed by the things she heard to the point that she couldn't even really go out in public. This reads a lot like sensory overload.

Constantly picked on in school because other kids thought she was weird. Eventually reclaimed this weirdness and turned it into a whole persona.

Seems to talk usually in a relatively flat tone.

Had trouble socializing with no friends outside her family until middleschool.

Has a very funny, dry sense of humor that I find very similar to a bunch of autistics I know, including myself.

Hatsuharu

Listen. You have seen the funky little man, you have seen the way he talks, the way he acts around others. He is, and I mean this in the best way, a weirdo. I do not know how you could look at him and see a neurotypical.

Once again, like Hana, Haru is funny in a way that feels very autistic.

Very flat, dry, tone delivery. Sometimes just Says Things that make everyone else go huh??? Suuuuper blunt. Doesn't emote facially a lot of the time.

When this man sees a social norm he doesn't get he WILL NOT follow it. Pierces his ears just because his hair got flak, defends Momiji wearing whatever he wants because sometimes y'know the social rules are just dumb and don't make sense. Especially dress codes.

Sometimes says things not befitting the current tone of the situation.

Represses (masks) a lot of his emotions, leading to outbursts that seem uncharacteristic.

His main childhood trauma revolves around adults branding him as "dumb" and ridiculing him. Haru, however, is super smart and wise!! Just in an offbeat way that not everyone may get.

Machi

Reads as very "flat" emotionally to the point that others would call her boring. Also has a flat vocal delivery.

Relies on specific habits or ways of doing things or else she gets super upset (her hatred of imperfection.

Has trauma surrounding adults completely misconstruing her intentions and thinking she's doing something malicious when she's not.

Generally behaves in a way that's hard for others to understand, one of her formative moments with Yuki was him saying he wanted to "see how the world looks" through her eyes.

Once again, trouble socializing.

Tries super hard to please her parents but in the end they still see her as somehow inherently "defective."

Listen. A lot of this one and the last two are mostly vibes, hard to verbally define. You just have to look at them and trust me.

Tohru

Displays behavior very reminiscent of masking throughout the story, a huge part of her arc is about how she hides a lot of herself and has a very controlled persona. I think it would fit very well if she had other autistic behaviors that she suppresed also it helps explain why she is relatively socially adept, it's learned behavior to make people like her more.

Yes she is very good at saying what others need to hear, but especially early on she is pretty blatantly imitating her mother's words. She only gets better at getting through on a more personal level later on (see her with Rin and Akito v. early series Tohru). She does this by relating her own experiences, a very autistic way of showing empathy that often gets us written off as self centered. The way she relays things her mom said could also be seen as this, and she even worries at a few points that she's being insensitive for going on about things like that.

While emotionally repressed she is hyper empathetic and feels other's emotions so strongly she cries.

Her speech patterns are all imitated from her father and she often copies verbal things from others (see Ritchan-san). Noted in canon that people think her way of speaking is slightly off/not befitting of someone her age. Additionally, her father was polite more sarcastically, while she plays it straight and sometimes takes things very literally or fails to get the message, indicating trouble with reading tone. Has numerous strange verbal tics, including saying parts of her internal monologue out loud without context.

Very expressive with her hands including waving them around and flapping them up and down.

Does have a bit of trouble with accidental insensitivity in social interactions, like how she constantly fixates on her mom and realizes that might bug the Sohma.

Has trouble paying attention in school since it doesn't have much to do with her interests

Her only friend until she was a middle schooler was her mom

Has a pretty unique outlook on things compared to others, people seem to think she's pretty eccentric. There's always a "this girl is nice but in an odd way, she's our weirdo and we love her" vibe.

Sometimes has an "inappropriate" emotional response to situations

Has a lot of trouble with change, similar to Akito. Which oh, look at the time, next hc coming up.

But first, a disclaimer. It is cathartic for me to read Akito this way, but with that reading comes the baggage that she would, mayhaps, be showing a more negative side of things... It doesn't bother me since it's a joint hc with other characters and she does develop at the end but yeah, general villain hc baggage. This is in no way me trying to excuse her being The Worst being autistic doesn't absolve you of being able to do wrong . Also, a lot of these points can and do have other explanations related to her upbringing, but things can be for more than 1 reason. With that said, she really strongly comes off as autistic to me, in a way that's sorta hard to explain. I wrote a lot more for her than the other, both because I felt I needed more to convince people and that this headcanon was more sensitive and I needed to be careful in my explanation. Also hey! She's my special interest within a special interest.

Akito

Shown to have a dislike of summer weather due to heat and brightness, could be due to sensory issues in tandem with sickness things. Also covers her ears when people raise their voice sometimes which is partially her trying to shut down opposition but also 🤔 can read a different way. She'd also avoids louder Juuni like Ritsu and Ayame because she can't handle them.

Wears pretty much the same outfit every single day. Said outfit is also pretty loose fitting.

Always seen sitting in a pretty unconventional way. Evidence:

Of course this is also the isolated in a cult thing and there is a level of her purposefully doing things to intimidate but: doesn't follow a lot of social rules (overly touchy with strangers, legit doesn't get that what she's doing is wrong, ect.). Repeatedly confused when people indicate she should act otherwise without explanation. Has a breakdown when this comes to a head and approximately says that "they" shouldn't expect her to know "common sense" if "they" never explained it to her, that the way that she was was her "common sense."

Often talks in a way uncharacteristic of her age when shown as a child in a more faux mature/pretentious way. Might just be the translation and idk how to explain it but her speech as an adult also seems off from what one would normally use in conversation. Additionally, when she tries to fake being friendly in her intro chapter, it comes of as extremely stiff and unconvincing.

Generally displays behavior that could be thought of as childish as an adult, but a lot of this behavior could also read as autistic (covering ears, emotional deregulation and meltdowns, ignorance of basic social norms, ect.). It's also important to note that she knows that this behavior makes her seem younger and more helpless to the older zodiac and uses it as a manipulation tactic. Has issues regarding people treating her like a child or only hanging out with her because of pity. While she does weaponize it, we can tell that this grates on her, as seen with her finally blowing up on Kureno, which is partially triggered by the maids saying some sorta infantalizing stuff about her. Irl, a lot of autistic adults and teens struggle with being infantalized for our behavior generally or treated as little babies that can do no wrong. Even in fandom, you see people doing stuff like jumping to call autistic adult characters, such as Entrapta from Shera, "minor coded." It is also common for us to have at least one bad experience with someone hanging around us out of pity. This is something that really gave me a similar feeling in Akito's arc. She's not a baby and she can understand and do better if she is given the chance to learn and break from all the freaky cult indoctrination she's been subjected to instead of just being constantly enabled. In the end, a lot of her growth is represented by her showing that she is capable of changing and being independent.

Shows particular difficulty with socialization, often sits by herself spacing out at social events. A lot of her fear is rooted in the fact that she doesn't know how normal relationships work, becoming overly reliant on the curse because she doesn't know how to make friends.

Clings desperately onto the notion of being "special" and in some way superior to others to be worthy and to make up for perceived inherent "flaws." It's the nd gifted kid burnout vibes for me.

Easily bothered by things that don't bother others. Feels emotions very strongly to the point of getting physically ill and has bad emotional regulation.

Relatively good at reading others in an analytical sense (though has more trouble when it comes to seeing how they feel about her since she's wildly delusional) but brings up her observations in a very cold, detached way and hurts people even on the rare occasion she didn't mean to. Has extreme trouble connecting to others and understanding their point of view. This makes her come off as pretty unempathetic even though that might not fully be the case. Also thinks that people like Momiji are trying to look down on her when they try to empathize with her. A lot of why Tohru can get through to her is that she manages to convince Akito that she's not condescending by relating shared traits and experiences. As I said earlier, autistics often empathize by sharing their own experiences with someone, and I know I often have an easier time confiding in other autistics because of a fear of being seen as lesser by those that don't understand me. I think the connection between these charachters and the way that Tohru manages to reach Akito like that while others couldn't makes a lot of sense through an autistic lense!

Additionally, when Akito herself gets around to trying to help others instead of just projecting trauma, she tries to reach out to the old maid by relating back to her own experiences. This however, doesn't work.

Has "cold" emotional reactions sometimes even to things that do make her upset. For example, how sort of calm and detached she acted after her father's death can make her seem uncaring. However, we know that this event did mess her up a lot and she is still (poorly) dealing with a lot of grief from the death of her father years later.

Copies mannerisms from others, the most blatant example is with Ren, who she directly parrots lines from as a child to Yuki.

Partly just her posturing, but gestures a lot with her hands when she talks. Also seen several times clutching her hands in her hair.

Deals extremely poorly with the idea of things changing to the point that it is a driving force of the story.

Does not understand when people tease her.

Ect. Ect. Ect. Listen, I could go on for ages but just trust me, the mean gremlin lady is autistic.

#fruits basket #akito sohma #tohru honda #saki hanajima #machi kuragi #hatsuharu sohma #actually autistic #meta

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selfcareparker · 3 years

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(lovely anon) i'm so happy to finally be answering this oh my goodness hi gorgeous human being i feel that it has been too long 🥲 SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME I'VE WRITTEN ONE OF THESE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

to answer the things you have said most recently- i'm so mad that spring break is over bc now i have to go back to life??? like dancing and school and shit that feels so unnessacry 😭 and like i can't just do nothing anymore? i was so used to it and now...... ugh. i STILL haven't played sims (i think it's because ✨depression✨ be hitting sometimes) lol but MWAHAH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR!AU AND THAT THEY HAD LITTLE BABY LEO!! i feel the name thing.. i just come up with something that sounds nice? i think leo is a nice name, it makes me think about lea michele and the fact that her son's name is Ever Leo but anyway. i don't name my sims after what i want to name my children irl either... idk why though. (i don't know why i'm telling you this but for boy names i love Liam🥰 and if i had twin boys i think i would do Liam and Peter though i am not married to the name Peter.... anywho)

LMAOOO the therpaist coming made me laugh thank you :)) i hope it's helpful? this may be tmi but i've only really had negative thoughts recently and not many healthy outlets so i'm hoping crossing one thing off this sad list will make me feel better :') i think during spring break my anxiety and my depression really spiked? idk, it comes in episodes but yeah THIS GOT REALLY SAD

i think a lot of things when i read your posts but i never say them hahaha so imma say it now: i googled what bon appetit meant ( i also just had to google how to spell it ) but ur right, i feel like bone apple tea makes more sense than bone apple teeth.. the "th" is throwing me off bc how i say it bone appa (like app-a) teet (like you're saying tit but teet lol) so bone apple tea makes more sense to me lol

i never know really know the time difference for anything lmao but est to germany (that's not gmt is it?) is like 6 hours wOAH so it's like 9pm while it’s 3pm here? wowee

i feel mega weird after watching this show called hollywood (darren criss is in it, so is laura harrier and a bunch of other people) but i don't like it💀 i feel really icky rn and idk why but reading your last response to my ask (?) always makes me feel better :')

i am doing what you said btw, i'm typing this on my computer first then gonna transfer it to my phone's tumblr lol but when you said a digital detox, it's interesting cuz i feel like i've been having one since tom's new project was announced? gOD i don't wanna get into it bc i get so triggered but i've been off of instagram since then bc instagram stans literally stand by tom through whatever even when something ain't right- i’m just gonna leave it there bc i’ll continue the rant, but yeah so i took a break lol

also heard abt your driving lesson thing (?) was it that bad? i can't find the old post but someone asked if you hooked up with your lesson person and i was sOOO CONFUSED LMAOO LIKE OK ARIA GET SOME BUT UHH HUH?

now to address the actual response HAHA the way you touch my heart :') by :') bringing :') up :') halle :') being ariel :') (i honest to God don't remember if i brought this up first, forgive me if i did, it's been a minute lmao) i'm always talking about it and i'm pretty sure my family is so tired of me talking about it lmao, but YEAH when i found out they weren't twins i was so surprised but idk why i always thought they were twins? but YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE WITH THE DISNEY TALK- everyone is always like "tiana is my favorite princess" and yea she's strong and stuff but...... she was a frog. for almost the whole time. it's about time we got another one!! i do agree with some people on the fact that disney should just make another black princess but halle is adorable and i was ariel on stage so it's already really special to me :')

yeah lol there are good times with my brothers but they make me mad for a good portion of the time (there's the 12yo vincent and the 7yo daniel but vincent??? psshhh he is a piece of work and i'm not sure how much longer i can put up with him HAJAH AND YES VINCENT IS THE ONE WHO WAS 👁👄👁WHEN I CRIED AND THE ONE WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO MUSIC- writing this now makes it sound like vincent is awful. which he isn't... we're working on him ig. not to add to the awfulness but no, he listens to obnoxious loud VIDEO GAME MUSIC and won't stop when we ask him to stop... he gets beat up a lot) anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌

yeah let me know if you end up watching it (wandavision)! i think it's great but if you like it lmk!! tfatws is sooo good like PHEW i am honestly loving it. sidenote: j*hn w*lker makes me wanna jump through the screen and choke him to the ground. i was thinking right, and the falcon and the winter soldier (THATS SO MUCH EASIER FAJHKDAH) would techinally be like a 10 hour movie right? because every episode is an hour long and there'll be 10 episodes? like wow. i get what you mean though, abt the racism in the show etc, like looking forward to it but not like..... no i get what you mean i will not try and give another example lol but you make me wanna learn more languages like really badly (bc of what you said about the german to american translation) & if you end up watching hamilton PLEASE LMK ABT THAT TOO HAHAHA i love it so much, same thing with lion king lmaoo

speaking of germany, i was at lunch on saturday with my mom and her friend and we were talking about my schooling and like-- she planted this idea in my head lol like what if i just got my GED and went around the world (to england probably) to get a theatre experience??? and i think it sounds so cool but no where near practical lol, it's just..... the dream haha and i would then try and learn a language 😉

uh yes we absolutely should order basically a resturant meal at a cinema, how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?

also about cherry (which i still haven't watched yet lol) i got the timestamps from tumblr😌 i couldn't find them anywhere else, but i agree, i probably wouldn't even look twice at cherry if tom wasn't in it? like i liked tdatt a lot, but it's not a movie i would be itching to see ya know?

HAHAHAHA THE 24 HOUR NOTIFICATION- i think i have around 1030 hours on sims? but i've had it since 2019 lmao (reading the screenshots, yes u are 100% a genuis, i take screenshots too but on anon you can't upload them so i just read them and retype what i wrote lmao) i think the university experience in the game is fun, but time consuming and it's all work imo. idk why i do it so often tho 😭😭😭

and agreed!! when you're making good money in the game you have to find other ways to make it interesting. my cousins who play it just continously do "motherlode" and i'm like.... then what do you do in your game?? it just sounds boring to me... my current sims household, i had a famous comedian sim, her name was dylan, aND SORRY IM LAUGHING SO HARD WHILE WRITING THIS BC ITS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF THE UNI THING UNLESS IM JUST DUMB, she went to college for communications when i wanted her to be a comedian and when she graduated i realized that degree did nothing for the career 🥲 so yeah, i think i'm just dumb. but she had a kid in college, guy didn't stick around and she was pretty broke HA but then she got married to this (great) guy named steve, made good bank, had 5 more kids (two sets of twins and one more lol) but then she passed. uhm... yeah that's still an open wound . lol i'm kidding, but when you get rich like that, you have to find a way to make the game interesting and i chose a million kids.

(this was one giant paragraph until i broke it up uhh yeah) i seriously don't pay attention to the sims prices and just end up spending way too much money and not being able to finish the rest of the house😭 but then again, i'm so used to having sims live in apartments... if i end up building a house FIRST OF ALL it'll look like what you explained before lmao but i'll tell you if i actually end up building a house HAHA & planning out your sims game is so fun to me lol, did enisa and michael take in his daughter yet? i may be thinking too far ahead lol and i love that they fucked woohooed (i say woo woo lol) in celebration HAHA but when i was playing with this one couple i had them woo woo every night hoping the dude would have horrible pull out game and they would concieve, but one night they were too tired and i was like why? get back in there man. if i was in college and lived with my partner we would be fucking every night homie. be grateful. i have been talking a lot about sims, and like you said: enough 💀 i just love this game a lot 😭😭

SORRY LAST THING i think the sims romantic and sexual stuff is so nice bc its what i want?? LMAO IDK like the whole hot tub thing you're talking about- puh lease ITS JUST NICE TO SEE OKAY

i'm reading the german section over again and i said aloud "my german friend is so cool" lol (i was saying that to my brothers & i know they don't care LMAO) (& i'm glad the uni zoom call went well!!) so on a form, in german, it could possibily say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer because you would be a participant to an introductory event? i swear german sounds so cool 😌 but i love reading your german lessons!! it's really interesting, most of the time my brain can't comprehend it tho?? like that word makes sense to you, but i need a translation. like to be able to look at that and know what it says.... its just appealing and seems so cool lol i kinda wanna write something out in german but i feel that google translate will fail me. während googeln "google übersetzen" mein Computer war so verdammt langsam und es fühlte sich einfach wie etwas Gutes auf Deutsch zu sagen. ich bin nicht sicher, welches Wort ist "fucking", aber ich mag es lmao (did it fail me like i thought it would??)

LMAOOO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP JUSTIN BC WHILE AT THE RESTURANT THEY PLAYED A JUSTIN SONG AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF YOU AND THIS STORY😭 lol i was thinking it's depending on your age but not even that either... i really don't know.... but tom's fans are hollanders💀 i would consider myself one? he's the only person i'm really into like that (like a lot lol) so idk lmao (directioners 💔💔the pain is real)

LMAOOO (both of these paragraphs started off with “lmaooo” smh) "i like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death" PLEASE, i don't like pete's blonde hair... i just don't. i'm not sure if i wasn't watching the most recent snls but yea. my mom thinks he looks like trash, but i think he's okay? like he said staten island people just look like trash LMAO and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN KING OF STATEN ISLAND GIRL I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THAT!! now i'm gonna make plans to watch it lmao, & yes agreed i find pete hot, don't ask why i really couldn't explain it to someone he's just .

my favorite songs from rex are from pony oh my goodness 🥺 anywho i'm gonna go eat cereal (i ended up eating bun and cheese instead) and listen to the Stormzy songs you recommended... aria. aria aria aria. i would like to thank you for introducing me to stormzy i- i don't have any words or any emojis to express HOW GOOD STORMZY IS. i hope he's popular in germany/the uk because i haven't heard of him but GURLLLL

one second - delicious i love it. it's really good. it’s not my favorite from the album, but its great.

superheroes - at first i played the non-explicit one (on accident) and wondered why the words weren't playing but i was reading them in the lyrics??? THIS ONE THOUGH??? IS THE BEST SONG I THINK I'VE EVER HEARD. i am so SO SO into black people empowering songs (like brown skin girl by beyonce) and this song???? PHEW I CRYYYYY ITS SO GOOD.... i was gonna quote some lyrics BUT THERS TOO MANY I LOVE, "i am young, black, beautiful, and brave" "black queen, you're immaculate, it's coming at the world, they ain't ready for your magic yet, and that was never your fault" THAT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT- I ALMOST CRIED THIS SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL (i played it twice lol)

lessons is another beautiful one, like its slow and it feels intimate and nurturing and just OO chefs kiss, beautiful . like you can feel the apology and the regret... it’s so good

own it - OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT IS AMAZING!! swear you would catch me dancing to this song, this song is so fucking good i cannot comprehend like this one might be my favorite for real... "it's the way you wind up your waist, i'm so in awe, you never have to worry abt nothing, you know its yours, you know you own it" 🥲 i played it two or three times honestly

rachael's little brother - YES I DID LISTEN TO IT LMAO AND YES I LIKE IT, its a very complex song and it's very layered in terms of emotions i think and i really like that about it. i probably won't listen to it that often, but its really good. i would recommend this song to my "older brother" bc he would just absolutely love this

shut up - i was taking this song seriously (also very good) until i heard him say shu-T up LMAO, this one is good, i probably wouldn't listen to it 24/7 like rachael's little brother but honestly its still fire

before listening to blinded by your grace and vossi bop, i know you brought up the religion bit, i definitely don't mind that, especially because i'm Christian lol and i actually liked that he brought up God in some of his songs like idk i just like it🥰🥰

(i then went to bed after that lol but first thing in the morning i listened to superheroes and... that song is probably my favorite tbh, i was gonna write MORE quotes that i loved from it but, yeah no there's too many. if you want i'll tell you lmao but this is already so long i would just be quoting the whole friggin song)

VOSSI BOP IS A BOP (lol) I CANT EVEN LIE, i love a song that hypes up a dude's girl so the line- i love that my phone decided to fail to load the lyrics, lemme google it, okay the lyric "looking at my girl like what a goddess" i was like AYEEE its honestly just really good. and no one in america says "sauce" like "i've got the sauce" but now i do (thanks to love island and Nas from last season) and now stormzy so (also im gonna watch the music video for superheroes bc it looks great so 😛)

(because this is already so long i feel like i shouldn't finish the rest but . no i'm gonna do it)

now for blinded by your grace pt2 idk why i’m nervous lmaoo PAUSE I'M NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE SONG GIRL THIS SONG IS *chefs kiss* no words, speechless PHEW y'all gon make me start jumping around. why did i not know about stormzy before, he is amazing i- ok yeah i finished the song, all i have to say is that Stormzy is immaclucate. period. i am literally sending his music to all my friends he is..... amazing

you want my song recommendations 🥺🥺 hmm uh okay lol i listen to a lot of old music, whitney houston, marvin gaye, queen, celine dion, i love "more than words" by extreme uhmm okay, but for actual music i listen to on the daily? (this is a lot of different music like.... they do not go together lmao so be prepared) a song about being sad by rex orange county, betty by taylor swift and lover by taylor swift and... most of that album lol, treasure by bruno mars lmao, OOOO and versace on the floor by bruno as well, lazybaby by dove cameron, creep by tlc has been on repeat lol, deja vu by olivia rodrigo (i saw what you said about drivers license and AGREED LMAO but i like deja vu a lot more haha) and two albums that i listen to in general, rare by selena gomez and ungodly hour by chloe x halle 🥰 you don't have to listen to all of them or any of them lol but that's a sense of what i'm into :) so basically everything haha, i'm into literally every single kind of music really so i wasn't too surprised that i enjoyed stormzy :’)

HAHASBSJHAHA your h20 story cracked me up,, like "wow these actors are so dedicated, learning german just for us" 😭 the beauty of overdubbing

once again, math and maths, in my mind maths makes sense because its mathmatics, but saying maths doesn't feel right to me lol, like if i said maths i feel like everyone would look at me like ??? and yea i was taught it as math so its just more natural for me. but yes math/maths is disgusting, easily one of my least favorite subjects so .

mkay. i- the first time i read this i could not contain my laughter when you said the only pollen you know is sex pollen LMAOKOOSHBABJFAJF STOPPP I'M EVEN LAUGHING WRITING THIS,, anyway. wow! that's interesting, my dad (<<< mostly anything else) gets migraines from the sun and the heat and stuff, yesterday (sunday, i was outside for like hours watching my brothers play football, the american kind lol) i was in the sun for like ever and i got a headache😔

summer clothes🥲 i need to go shopping fr fr. for my birthday my mom and dad got me a giftcard like dedicated to a shopping spree and we've yet to go so..... i should bring it up to my mom lol, but!! i went bra shopping (ended up returning literally all of them cuz they honestly didn't work for day to day work? its a long story) and if i could i would walk around in this new "summer bra" i got, i would. it's so fricking cute and its really light fabric (which isn't perfect for my nipples but still) so i don't get hot in it, but that bra and some shorts would be perfect. its the closest thing to being naked so

IS THE BIRD STILL BOTHERING U ARIA, TELL ME NOW ISTG, i laughed really hard that the bird isn't stupid and is really trying to torture you LMAOO like i was rolling, it wants you to suffer, badly

when you said "mensus" it was still close to mens!!! latin speaking queen 😌😌

okay STORYTIME i was reading back your response and started (fake) crying bc i love you lol and my youngest brother (daniel) gon say "oh man, catherine's crying about something we don't care about, again" I--- i swear when i tell you about them they sound awful, but they aren't that bad, just the stuff i say about them is sounds really mean LMAO

but the thing you said about being kind, same, what i always say is: don't be the person that makes people say "i hate people" ya know? like there's no reason to be a jerk or anything.... but its true 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you are really kind and every time i talk to you i would like to personally fly to germany and give you a hug 💖💕💞💗💓💝💖💘

& i'm gonna show my stretch marks some love bc of you 🥺😭 i really hate how men have basically everyone conditioned that you can't love your own body </3 fuck them, y'all beautiful :')

also thanks for what you said :')) you literally are the kindest, sweetest person i think i've ever spoken to and i love you 🥰🥺🥲💓💗

READING YOUR TAGS HAHAHHAHA the spelling errors makes everything so much funnier. once again, i like your german lessons & yea!! i'm gonna play sims after writing this hahah

#catherine's tags are back #i don't think i've told you my name before?? #anyway it's catherine🥰🥰🥰 #i'm typing this on my computer (without emojis) and if i didn't edit this you would be reading shit shite like #heartface and pout and cry LMAO #yeah abt the tattoos #some stuff with my parents i'm like deal with it??? lol #my mom tells me "if there's something you enjoy or you like but i don't have the same opinion on it... why would my (my mom's) opinion matter? #and i love that #like i'm not gonna go and do whatever i want #but if my mom doesn't like that i swear (which isn't true just an example) #its like okay.... #but whatever #and your tattoo ideas sound really cute!! #and yeah @ your parents, i mean you aren't getting something wild #and the tattoo album>>> #i'm gonna look up ariana's butterfly tattoos just so i know what you mean lol #but i'm guessing you don't want something so incredibily simple, but not super like over the top? #correct me if i'm wrong lol #LMAO the tags were in order don't worry ! #and yeah lol ily2 <33 #and once again, again, sorry for this post JSHJS ITS A MESS AND LONG AS HELL #and you don't need to go in order of my post its literally longer than your german compound words #u're fine #also !!! while writing this the birds were chirping outside and i was like 😳 #and one of your fics (i’ve read all of them, i don’t remember lol) that valentine’s day one where y/n had lingerie on (the pancake one lol) #inspired me to buy lingerie #like when i look back on me “growing up” #that fic & basically you lol really helped with that #that made no sense and i don’t know how to make it make sense... but... yeah. like ily

hiiiiiiiiiii <3333

Dear catherine, 😌

(you have said your name before, but it wasn‘t like an introduction or anything i think you were talking about .... was it possibly the incident at the cinema??? And you said something like ‘calm down catherine‘ like you were telling yourself to calm down idkd dkdkkdkd anyway i didn‘t mention it cause i wasn‘t sure if it was an accident or not dkdjd but now i know 😌❤️ Catherine is such a cute and lovely name btw omg and so are your brothers‘s names 🥰

Sorry that I‘m answering this so late, it‘s been an emotional rollercoaster for me since last week but i‘ll get to that in a second lol

Sksklssk girl i haven‘t played sims in like 2 weeks now ekejdkdlldld ok that‘s not that long at all actually but i keep wanting to play but then i end up not playing for whatever reason, so no news about my sims game 😔 but i love the names Liam and Peter and for twins!!! That sounds really nice actually

okay i‘m trying to answer your ask in chronological answer even though i wanted to wait for the depressing stuff and write it at the end or something OKAY so. i thought that i‘d feel so good when i start uni and that i‘ll like... have a purpose in life again and just be happy (cause in the last year i didn‘t do much and i was depressed like half of the time lol).... anyway i kind of feel even worse now? 😭 i think it‘s because in my brain it‘s like: university!!! that means your life will change and it‘ll all be so exciting. and don‘t get me wrong it is exciting butttt..... idk the online thing is so weird cause you‘re not meeting any new people (i‘m introverted anyway but still lol) and it doesn‘t feel like you‘re listening to/talking to actual people cause it feels the same as just watching a video?

also i thought i‘d be busy again but i only have one lecture (90mins) a day and theres one day where i dont have any lectures at all and just one day where i have 3 hours but.... idk i mean i shouldn‘t complain about having so much free time but i just don‘t know what to do all day and in a pandemic there really is nothing to do but i also can‘t relax bc it‘s like during the week and i know i have uni the next day and .... yeah.

There‘s also this one assignment i had to do that took me AT LEAST SIX HOURS AND IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING????? so that was the only thing i‘ve been doing besides “going to“ lectures. for this one course we have to read two (really really long) texts (like it literally took me 3 hours to read them) and we‘re supposed to post it on this website that all the professors in our uni use. So after 5 days of anxiety (✌🏼) i posted mine this morning bc last night i realised that i didn‘t even know why i was having anxiety so i just posted mine today. The deadline is tomorrow at 12 and no one except me has posted theirs yet........ so i have anxiety again 🥰 cause idk if i‘m the only one who did it or if i even did it correctly

Edit while i‘m rereading this: my anxiety about uni is a lot better and i‘m not as d*pressed anymore maybe it was just hormones? idk but i‘m better so that‘s good

(I started writing this like 5 hours ago and then i randomly completely forgot lol)

I‘m in a better mood now though so let‘s move on from that (oh wait also, i think i‘m gonna see if i can find a psychiatrist bc with my anxiety symptoms (long story) i need to go to a psychiatrist, and so far i‘ve only gone to like psycholgists and it didn‘t help but i think that‘s just bc i was meant to go to a psychiatrist and not a psychologist so dldjdjsj

n e ways but yes you‘re not alone, ily, things will get better and yes i love you (i‘m not good at this type of thing🥲 but i‘d hug you right now if i could <3)

Yess i think the time difference between est and me is 6hours but gmt is uk time i believe? i think mine is called.... cet? For central european time? I could be completely wrong though lmao

Oof i completely forgot about hollywood, i remember when laura kept posting about it on instagram but i never actually watched it and i definitely won‘t now lmaodkdksjsn

Okay my driving lesson LEBDJDKDK I DID NOT HOOK UP WITH ANYONE AKSJSKSMMLM especially not my 40 or 50 year old driving instructor lol i like her but NOT LIKE THAT, the lesson was really really really good actually and i think i‘ll have my driving test soon, but i don‘t even remember why the anon would have thought that??? Oh wait now i remember okay KEKSKDLDL so during the lesson my instructor was like do you mind if i turn on some music? AND THIS WOMAN TURNED ON ONE DIRECTION I LOVE HER so i made a post about it and i said something about the song up all night and i guess i phrased it in a .... idk in a dumb way 💀 so the anon made a joke that i stayed up with my driving instructor all night and NO. No.

Wait did i read that right? YOU WERE ARIEL ON STAGE? SIALDBDJDKSLMSBDKDMDMDKDJSLSMDJFJJEDMBFEKLEFBJDLDVSIDLESKSKWKDKDJDOWNYUEKWNDUWLNSUFLWVSUDLEHDOENSIDBEISBEHENJELBSIEMWUDNRIW KB WOBE JO ON SBEUU HIII S HWS LV W ICH US KB okay this keyboard smash is getting out of hand but uh please do elaborate on that 💘😌???? Like you can‘t just drop that information and not say more??? I forgot if you‘re in like your school‘s drama group (is that a thing? lol idk anything about acting) or in an independent group? Either way - ARIEL that is so fucking cool

Your brothers loooooool, no i get it though obviously you love them and stuff but esp at their age children are so annoying so good luck with them 😭😭😭lmao

Yeah “anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌“ yeah just me and my parents who constantly fight 🥰 lmao no i like being an only child, like i cannot imagine having siblings but i feel like if i had siblings i would be saying that i can‘t imagine being an only child so? but i do think it‘s quite different like i‘m trying to imagine having siblings and WHAT that‘s just so different omg i‘ve never really thought about it like properly ???

I saw a tik tok the other day that was like “sometimes i forget that my siblings have a life of their own. like i see them as side characters in my life“ and even though i can‘t relate obviously i felt that. lol, like i can really imagine how it feels idk what i‘m talking about like shut the fuck up, daria

(also my actual name is daria not aria but i dont like it, and also i wanted to be more anonymous on tumblr so now i‘m aria lmao. pls don‘t mention it though cause no one knows except for you and mel (peterbenjiparker) dkdkdkdnkdnd. but i‘m starting to identify with the name cause everyone keeps calling me that looool😭😭😭 (but i like the name, more than daria anyway? well it also depends on the accent, cause the way germans say daria is okay. the was Americans say it is also okay, but some of my family in England are from the north of england and i don‘t like how they say my name 💀 no offence to them(?) but yeah pls don‘t mention the name in your ask cause the chance of people seeing it is higher then (or if you want to say something about it just send a separate ask and i just won‘t post it (IDK what you‘d want to say about my name but yeah just in case slsldlldmsndnsns)

I‘m loving falcon and winter soldier so much but when i was watching an episode the week before last week (?) my laptop broke😭😭😭😭 during the scene where the dora milaje came at the end my laptop just shut down? And it had these lines all over the screen and i had to bring it to the shop where i bought it and they said it‘ll take 6-8 weeks to repair 💔💔💔 but at least it‘ll be for free, cause if i brought it back to apple it would cost like 400€ (i think that‘s nearly 500$) so yeah. but it sucks cause now i‘m “going to uni“ on a really old rusty laptop and on my phone which kinda sucks. oh yeah and also i can‘t watch anything on there 😭 i definitely want to watch wandavision but it‘ll have to wait🤧

Yessss you should def get your GED! I googled and I‘m still not entirely sure what it is dldks but from how you described it- YES!!!!!!

Idk if you know this? Like no idea if I‘ve told you this already (hmmm wait i feel like we talked about it actually?) anyway i was originally gonna go study in England, but for loads of reasons I ended up staying in Germany and I‘m def happy with my decision, but I definitely want to go to England sometime even if it‘s just for six months or maybe for my masters or something? And (obviously everyone is different) but i think everyone should go abroad and live in a different country once in their life, no matter if it‘s for school or what, and even if it‘s just for a few weeks. But i think that‘s something that you‘d never ever forget! And combining that with your acting/theatre??? You really would be living the dream 💘💘😌

how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?— sounds good see you soon 🥰🥰🥰

i used to be one of the people who‘d just do motherlode motherlode motherlode and just... what did i do? Why did i do that??? But not anymore lol. Like I said i haven‘t played sims in a few weeks but i‘ve been watching a few legacy challenge let‘s plays and usually i play with the aging off. So my sims just don‘t age 💀 but i could (should) turn aging on so that it stays exciting and i have limited time and everything. and once i get bored with my current sims i can just make them have kids and continue playing as their children when they get older- like recently i remembered that i haven‘t played the acting career in ages? and i haven‘t had a shop in ages? and i think you can even become a vet right??? like those are definitely some things i want to do in the next weeks!!! Also yes sksksjs i have a few hundred hours on sims as well (if not thousands 😭) it was just that one household that i‘d been playing with for 24hrs

AND GIRL SSKSKJD THE UNIVERSITY THING HAPPENED TO ME TOO, it was a while ago so i don‘t remember what degree and what job it was about but i made my sim study something for aaaaaages so she‘d get a better job from the beginning (you know what i mean like get in at a higher level)...... and i apparently studied the wrong thing cause i didn‘t get any benefits from studying and still had to start at level 1 and shit 🥴🥲

Oh also (this was like 2 weeks ago) Enisa and Michael did take in Michael‘s daughter and i think Enisa currently even has a higher/better relationship with the daughter than Michael but um💀💀💀 also i was hoping (since michael and enisa married (in their back yard i think lol) that the daughter (i forget what her name is😭) would have enisa as her step mom? Like you know how you can see the relationship and it says daughter or son or sister.. and i was hoping that it would say step mom but it doesn‘t say anything 🥲 but in my mind (and if the sims had proper family relations) she is her step mom😌 also Leo is a teenager now???? I mean I aged him up lol dkdk he was being too annoying as a toddler but i don‘t like children so i aged him up twice in one day and now he‘s a teen, but that means he can look after his half sister when she becomes a toddler which is good (the game recognises them as siblings tho even if they‘re just half siblings? why can‘t they have step family members in the sims🥲) okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

I‘ve been a bit sick these past few days and now i‘m getting a headache so i have to finish this response tomorrow 😭😭😭 </3

It‘s not tomorrow, it‘s 3 hours later but i‘m better lol

oooff when sims are ungrateful and won‘t woo woo (lol i like that) cause they‘re too tired like?? Be grateful that you‘re not living with your parents anymore 🙄 no okay dkdkdkdl idk if you play with mods (i don‘t) but i know there is a mod (or it‘s part of a mod idk maybe wicked whims?) where you can adjust the percentage of how risky a normal woo woo is, like you still click woo woo (3dksksks okay i‘ll say woohoo again— wait is that what’s it called? 😭) but there‘s like a 25% chance that your sim can still get pregnant just like in real life there‘s always a chance of getting pregnant even if you‘re using protection (just not 25% lmao) but yeah i personally don‘t play with mods sksk and you can always just click try for baby but it would be cool if you could add stuff like risky woohoo to the game without mods (i have no idea how to download mods and i play sims on a really really old laptop and sims is literally tje only thing that works on it anyway so—) i repeat my words from earlier: okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

okay i‘m so sorry i‘m gonna watch fast & furious 1 now cause i need to watch f&f 1-5 until the 30th of april cause they‘re only on netflix til then (i mean i could watch them somewhere else but the quality is never as good) so i will finish this tomorrow after all😭

it is now 1 am, i finished the film, can feel a new obsession coming up again (i always have these f&f obsessions for six months before and after a new film comes out)

THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE wkekdjdj tbh it sounds like someone is speaking with some kind of foreign accent i guess that‘s probably because it just is a direct translation and so anyway slsjsj i don‘t know if you asked me what the word fucking is in german? like idk cause the translation is a bit weird but in case you asked lol sidjsjs theres not really a good translation like we just say fuck for fuck lmao, i don‘t know if you typed in fucking in google translate and it came out as verdammt? cause that means damn (or damned sksjjs) ummm yeah idek if/what you asked so imma move on🤧

I‘m not gonna comment on what you said about every stormzy song cause you already said all the important things but SKSKSJSJSKNSNDBDUDOENWBSLSKKHSULSLSKSBSJSKSK I WAS SMILING SO HARD WHEN I READ YOUR RESPONSE FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH finally i know someone who loves him as much as i do 💘💘💘 also since you brought it up, i‘m pretty sure he‘s considered the most successful UK rapper or if not then at least top 3 so he‘s defffffffffinitely big in the uk, in germany more and more people are listening to uk rap too but not as much stormzy cause theyre dumb apparently 🙄 but anywY i‘m sooooo sooo happy that you like him. i think hith came out end of 2019 (i could be wrong but i think it came out on the 13th of december so (in a european way) you‘d write the date: 13.12 and obviously i don‘t KNOW this but i can definitely imagine that he chose that date because ACAB and yes, Michael. Yes. But he hasn‘t made too much music since then so i hope he‘s working on some new stuff 🤞🏼

Also i ordered the stormzy poster😌 also a nicki minaj one bc i decided i‘m gonna have one wall with red-ish posters (i already have two kinda red ones) and one with blue/green-ish posters (already have two) and i can add stormzy to the blue one and nicki to the red one, but i think that‘s it cause if my walls are tooo full it could look cluttered? I‘m not sure how that type of thing works lmao but my room is generally untidy so i don‘t want the walls to look unorganised too so i think that‘s it for now

I really want to finish this now but my brain is getting kinda slow and i need to sleep soon so this will have to wait till later after all 🥺🥴 (not that it makes and difference to you bc you‘ll see this whenever i post it buttttt i wanted you to know that i want to talk to you again but with my slow brain i‘m just taking too long to do it in one day😭😭😭 and i‘m so busy tomorrow hmm but i‘m sure i‘ll have 30 minutes to finish this then <3)

Okay wait I‘m so dumb I didn‘t realise I‘d nearly answered everything i could have posted this yesterday 😭😭

Oooohh that summer bra sounds so nice like if i was confident enough i literally would just wear a top that resembles a bra (or really is a bra lol) cause my tiddies always be looking amazing i‘m just insecure about my stomach sometimes 🙄🙄🙄 but recently i‘ve been loving myself more and more tbh 😌

also i hope you can go shopping for some nice clothes soon ✨😌

I‘ll be honest I haven‘t listened to your song recs YET but only because i wanna take my time with them and i‘ve been so busy and slso AJ tracey‘s album came out last week and I haven‘t listened to that one yet either so ekdkdj (he‘s also a uk rapper like quite popular and successful as well, but i feel like i‘m not gonna like his album cause whenever i‘m looking forward to an album it ends up being really bad and the albums where you weren‘t expecting it turn out to be bangers.... so yeah but i‘ll let you know when i listen to your songs!!!! :)

Omg i keep having to scroll up all the way to see the next thing you said so sorry if I completely miss some of the things you said😭😭

So when you sent this the bird was still bothering me oh my FUCK DKDLDMMDMDMD but now i‘ve been going to bed at like 1-2am so the bird is probably still asleep lool

Okay and for the rest of your ask my response is: 💘💖❣️💚❣️💛❣️💛💕💞❤️💓💟💞💕💕💖💘💝💟💟🧡❤️🧡💞💛💚💓💚💚💚❣️🧡💖💘🧡💝🧡💕💘🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥰🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘 (okay that looked cuter in my head i don‘t really like the green hearts dldkkdksndnd)

#lovely anon #<3333333333333 #‚‘it‘s literally longer than your german compound words‘ LMAODKDMSLDKSLKS #ignore the comma at the beginning of the last tag????#aww wait i just read what you said at the end of your tags🥺🥺💘💘💘#love youuuu #ooooof i‘m reading my response and do i not know what a period is? like period as in. full stop.#my sentences are literally paragraphs and i use keyboard smashes to separate sentences from each other like what‘s wrong with me???#or ‚lol‘ snd ‚lmao‘#imma need me to do better (did you listen to heavy is the head as a whole? like the whole album? the song do better is stuck in my head toda #today so)#i‘ll try to write normal length sentenced in the future💀#sentencessss*

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dangan-happy · 3 years

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(Having no self-control makes you a tough galoot, like me!) This is for Kaito, Leon, and Mondo, but anyone else who feels they can help is free to chime in! (TW For discussion of current events and parent issue related conversation)

Hi guys. I've been hella stressed lately, and it's just been getting to much for me. My class work is getting seriously out of hand, I'm constantly ignored by my parents in favor of my younger siblings to a concerning level, and I've been slowly isolating myself from all my real life friends. I've been struggling really hard in keeping my work-life balance normal, and its really hard to reach out for help when I'm either berated or ignored by my parents. The only one who seems like they could help is my older sibling, but I don't want to be a burden to them with my problems. Could I please get some advice on how to better interact with the people around me, how to destress myself, and how to try and maintain a healthy working habit without overworking myself? A hug and just someone to talk to would be really nice, sorry to come in here such a drag. Thanks so much for reading this and helping me feel like someone cares!

Course ya can have a hug, kiddo! I ain’t gonna turn down someone whose feeling like shit... when I feel like shit, all I want is a hug. Just someone to comfort me, yknow? Anyway, enough about me, now onto you.

Your parents are bein’ real dicks, not paying attention to ya. You ain’t gonna be a burden just by asking for help or, at least, ya shouldn’t be. They should pay attention to both their kids equally, not just the younger ones. I think ya gotta realise that ya friends are some of the most important people to you, they'd probably love to be there for you. Please don’t wreck ya relationships because of work, my Kyoudai, he's a workaholic and I gotta force him to take breaks. Maybe you need to keep someone like that.

And - I ain’t that good at working, but I am good at destressing! Now, I’m guessin’ you can’t go for a motorbike ride with ya gang? Right, so maybe a hot drink and a book? That’s what Taka likes... or, a warm bath ‘n some chocolates? Just, get warm and watch ya favourite movie or tv show. Let yourself relax and not think for a while.

As for the overworking, take breaks between working. Time yourself, ya get me? Something like thirty minutes work and then a thirty-minute break? Summat just to keep time moving... just let yourself relax and talk to people sometimes. Take some self-care, kiddo. You deserve it.

Yo. I’m sorry to hear that your class work has been getting out of hand, I know exactly how you feel. (So does mod 11037!) Your parents ignoring you ain’t right either, that’s uncool of them, they shouldn’t be showing obvious preference for your siblings over you.

Balancing work with life is really difficult, I give you props for trying your best to do so. Not everyone attempts to try that. Hey, hey. You aren’t a bother to your older sibling, at least I would hope so. If they can help you, I really suggest you talk to them when they aren’t busy, you never know.

Interacting with people is tough, taking it slow is the best method. Try putting yourself out there the most that you can, find others that have common interests, you can always connect with others through mutual likes. Meditation is a great way to destress, it calms your nerves and listening to guided meditation can help you focus on getting rid of any negative feelings. Now healthy working habits…it’s best to make sure you stay hydrated of course, maybe cutting down on certain foods that you don’t really need to eat daily. I’m not really good at that kind of stuff, I’m not saying you need to stop eating things like sweets though so take that last bit of advice with a pinch of salt.

Don’t worry about asking for some help. It’s no drag at all, the only thing that’s a drag is your parents ignoring you. That’s seriously uncool of them and I’m still upset to know they’re doing that…but, I can give you all the hugs you want. I love giving you guys hugs! Really makes me happy to know that someone out there is feeling even a bit better because of what I have to say.

Hey, don't worry about it! You're not a drag at all! This an advice blog, and it doesn't matter how much of a drag your ask might be, we're here to read it and help. Yeah, you sound like you have what I've heard be called "Quarantine Syndrome." Becoming a social hermit, yeah all that stuff's coming from the pandemic crap. Man, that's really unfair that your parents to treat you like that. You deserve so much more respect, and it sucks that they aren't listening to your problems. If anything, you should try talking to them about this. Make sure they're aware what they're doing is hurting you at the least.

As hard as it is, my recommendation for the friend thing is to put yourself out there. You might have to be the one to start conversations. I know it's a real drag, but this is a good way to ensure that you get to talk to irl friends more. Make a group chat or message people individually. You could try setting up group calls, or just playing online games together or something. Alright, the school/work thing is way too relatable. But hey, I got an idea for that too!! You might wanna set up schedules for stuff. Make time for each thing, and kind of organize your day so you can get everything done that you need to. I think organizing everything might help keep you on track a little more, so maybe give that a shot! If you think your older sibling can help you, then yeah, go for it! You deserve to get the help you need, and you're not a burden ok? Reach out to them and see how it goes, and you never know, that might end up helping a lot.

Ok, so here's some tips for destressing. If you just wanna zone out, you could find some ambient music on youtube then watch live space wallpapers. They're really pretty and relaxing...or maybe that's just a me thing. Anyways, make sure you have some time to do the things you enjoy to stop yourself from getting burnt out. You might want to set time for this in your schedule too! Alright, did I get it all? I think I did! Yup, you can get a hug too! It's no problem ok, I'm glad I can make you feel like people care, because they do!! Feel free to shoot me an ask whenever, and I'll always be down to talk to you. Take care bro!

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #mondo owada #leon kuwata #kaito momota #mod mondo #mod 11037 #mod kokichi

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iamanartichoke · 5 years

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Hello, please ignore this if you don't want to answer, I don't mean to bother. I was wondering if you had any advice for introverts, because I feel like I should want to be around people, that there is something wrong with me, but the truth is, a lot of the time, I can't small talk and I fear people's judgements of me, that I'm boring or awkward. Even if I try, I just want to be home reading fic or watching something, it's so much less complicated. I lose energy around people. Thank you.

Ah, I would never ignore a question like this, please don’t think it’s a bother! I do apologize that it took me a couple of days, but I’ve been a bit busy irl. Anyway! I definitely know how you feel; I have been an introvert my entire life and additionally struggle with social anxiety, so being around people is one of my least favorite things to do, like, ever. I’ve talked a few times about some of the struggles I’ve come up against just because of who I am as a person and have answered a couple of other asks about social anxiety, which you can find here (1, 2, 3).

That said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for being an introvert. Shyness or social anxiety might make you worry about things like feeling boring or that people are judging you (which I assure you, they’re probably not!) but introversion itself just comes from the way your brain is wired, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Society, unfortunately for those of us who are introverted, is more geared toward extroverts because humans are social creatures and extroverted activity makes the world go ‘round. We’re put in school systems at young ages so that we can learn to socialize in addition to learning academics; we work in social environments, we play in social environments, we structure our entire lives around finding people to share them with (friends, spouses, children, etc). That’s just the world we live in and it’s probably why you feel like you should want to be around people, even though being around people doesn’t make you happy. Preferring to do quiet activities at home and losing energy around people are very big things about being an introvert that extroverts might not understand.

I think an important thing to keep in mind is just that you have to put yourself and your needs for comfort above the expectations society places on you. Sometimes, we can’t avoid social situations, like at school or at work or if there’s a party or a family gathering or something like that. In those circumstances, I would say that the easiest way to get through it is to remind yourself that it’s a temporary situation, you can make the best of it, and when you’re done with it, you’ll have plenty of time to recharge. It’s kind of trial and error, admittedly; talking to me irl is probably a really strange experience for people because I find small-talk excruciating and I find most conversational topics pretty boring when I’m forced to talk to someone I have nothing in common with, so I can/have spaced out in the middle of conversations and had literally no idea what the other person was saying for awhile. I just kind of smile and nod a lot and, fortunately, most other people are so focused on what they’re saying that they don’t notice I’m not listening.

That said, sometimes you do need to really engage in small-talk, and just some general things I find helpful are to keep the other person talking by asking them questions that are relatively non-invasive, require little thought, and that I can also answer myself if they say, “And you?” For example: Where are you from? Are you in school/what are you studying? Do you have pets? How’s your dog/cat/rabbit/octopus? How was your winter break? Did you do anything exciting? Oh, I did X,Y, and Z, it was pretty fun. What do you have planned for the summer? Things like that. (Honestly, conversations with me irl aren’t very interesting, which is one of the reasons I can count the number of friends I have on one hand.)

Another thing that I literally tell myself if I find myself spacing out a lot or wishing I was at home reading fic or whatever is: there will be plenty of time to think about XYZ thing later, it’s not going anywhere, but right now, you need to pay attention to this other thing. And that works for awhile.

So that’s just some general advice for navigating awkward social situations when you’re an introvert, but I also do have to reiterate that there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be more of a homebody and doing quiet activities by yourself and, for longer-term contentment in life, I think coming to terms with that and accepting that this is how you are and that it’s okay and it’s your life will go a long way in easing those feelings of “I should be out socializing” or “there’s something wrong with me” and so on. I used to feel like I should be the type of person who always had something to do on the weekend, or had a big group of friends, or just felt comfortable whether they were talking to a friend’s parents or a boss or whoever. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am just not that person, and there’s nothing wrong with the person I am. If I want to spend my Friday night reading fic and drinking hot tea and petting my cat, that’s fine. If I decide I want to go to a social engagement but I only want to stay a couple of hours, and then I need to go home and recharge, that’s fine, too. If I only have two or three friends - but they’re really good friends - then there’s nothing wrong with that. I think it just comes down to striking a balance between making yourself happy and comfortable, and managing social situations when you need to, and surrounding yourself with people who accept you the way that you are and don’t pressure you to give more of yourself than you have the energy for.

I rambled a lot, but hope this was somewhat helpful, and I wish you all the best!

#asks #charlotte replies #tw social anxiety #introversion #introverts unite #mood gif

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seacreek · 4 years

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I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.

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