Extremely fucked up that healing relationship- and attachment-based trauma does, in fact, have to happen by talking to other people

Okay, um… how mad would Tony be if he found out that I’m maybe, possibly, lost in the vents again?

Probably going to delete this later but what the hell. Hamas has openly called for the genocide of every Jew in the world many, many times. It is literally a registered terror organisation. I hope anybody condoning the current atrocities don’t have Jewish friends, because anybody who supports these people also supports the notion that Jews should be tossed in the sea and drowned (yes, a real thing that Hamas has said should happen). Every time I see someone celebrating the horrific acts that Hamas inflicted upon innocent people for decades, I get reminded that there are so many people who want me dead for no reason other than the fact that I am a Jew

I’m not going to talk about the wider conflict. My emotional energy is dead at this point and I don’t fancy people telling me to kill myself because my family has been in Israel for seventy years. Also this is a vent account and it’s just for me to vent. I’m under sixteen, as well, so if anyone sees this and wants to attack me please just write something in your notes app and move on

looooove blacking out on staircases because me saying “i can’t do that, i’m going to throw up and black out” in response to being told that we’re going on a upstairs hike is apparently me being lazy and trying to get out of things

and then people are appalled and embarrassed when exactly what i said would happen happens. and then somehow it’s my fault, like me publicly throwing up in front of a bunch of joggers is my idea of a cheeky prank and good time

Felt emo might delete later

(Just kidding~ …although I might take out some of the text lol this thing is way wordier than I thought geez — that’s what I get for pumping it out in one sitting and refusing to edit)

Image ID below the cut

[Image ID: Image 1 depicts a blue figure with short hair casting their gaze down to the side and gripping their right arm with their left hand. The text reads, “Only finally finding the safety to ‘be a teenager’ after turning 20 is such a lonely experience…”

Image 2 depicts the blue figure turning to look over their shoulder at a smaller blue figure with long hair, the same figure at a younger age, who is curled into a ball. The text reads, “I wish I knew then what I know now.”

Image 3 depicts this younger, long-haired blue figure sitting in a desk surrounded by friends in a high school classroom. The text reads, “I wish I’d gotten to meet my friends back then.”

Image 4 depicts younger Blue now with shorter hair and ripped jeans. They’re wearing a nondescript band tee with a long-sleeve fishnet shirt underneath, and they have a black ring on the middle finger of each black-nailed hand. One friend wraps an arm around younger Blue’s shoulder while another ruffles their hair, and for the first time in the comic, the blue figure looks unabashedly happy, even if a bit sheepish. The text reads, “I wish they’d been there to give me the strength to fight for myself. To cut and dye my hair, to rip my jeans and give each other stupid matching tattoos.”

Image 5 depicts younger Blue in the back of a car with their friends, laughing and going recklessly fast. The text reads, “We could have stolen our parents’ cars and gone for screeching joyrides at 1 in the morning, flooring the gas and just getting as far away as possible because none of us can stand the idea of going ‘home.’”

Image 6 starts out with a wall of text that ruins the flow of the comic because the artist is paranoid about their words being misinterpreted but also too paranoid about posting even the slightest amount of personal information on the internet to keep that from happening so hooray for me being stupid anyway long story short I am not endorsing any of this behavior please drive safely. The text reads, “It’s not even that I like the idea of stealing a car or speeding or anything, I just wish I’d gotten to be a kid, to have had the opportunity to make ‘bad choices’ if I wanted to, for choices to have been something I was allowed to make.”

The lower half of Image 6 depicts younger Blue laughing in the back seat as two of their friends have an animated conversation on either side of them. The text reads, “It’s pathetic.”

Image 7 depicts the blue figure in the present now, back to “reality” where they’re driving an empty car, an uneasy look on their face. The text continues where the previous image left off, reading, “and I think about it every day I have to drive back from work.”

Image 8 zooms out from the previous image, where Blue uneasily grips the steering wheel of their car, looking up at the sign for the street they’re about to turn on to. The sign reads, “Family’s House St” because the author is so subtle. The text reads, “I just wish they weren’t so far away, that they’d take me with them.”

Image 9 depicts Blue driving towards a crudely-drawn house, and long-haired younger Blue sits in the passenger’s seat with shoulders anxiously raised. The text reads, “But even now I remain obedient. I’m still just so scared.” End ID]

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I’m so sad I won’t be able to watch the Oscars until I’m home from my trip in the third week of March ☠️ the whole world would have seen I’m Just Ken by then and I’ll be left behind 😭😭

And it’s not just “wah im gonna miss a show” bc I don’t rly care about the show itself necessarily. This is my main F/O and I won’t be able to see him but other ppl will. I have felt so disconnected from Ken. I’ve gotten a handful of inbox messages where ppl say “oh i have him call ME his sweet girl now because of your comic” or ppl will tag my ship art with Ken as “oh that’s ME and Ken” and it hurts. I’ve said multiple times I’m not comfortable sharing F/Os but ppl just? Don’t care?? My self insert isn’t somebody for you to project onto, holy shit why is that so hard for some ppl to comprehend

Now when he calls me sweet girl in my fics/drawings I don’t feel anything anymore, I’ve tried making comics and I feel absolutely nothing from him, it doesn’t feel special anymore bc so many people keep self projecting onto my self insert as if she were an “x reader” experience. I’ve felt disconnected from Ken for a couple of weeks now and I’ve been trying so hard to feel good with him again but I can’t. I’m so numb. I don’t want to lose him and the fact that the self shippers who openly project onto my stuff will see him singing live, but I won’t, feels like another major step backwards away from him, if that makes sense. My ship with him doesn’t feel special anymore. I need these characters so badly, I don’t have anybody else if I don’t have my Ryan F/Os and I don’t want to go back to months ago when I had absolutely nothing to hold onto and I was fighting every day just to stay alive. I’ve had special interests completely ripped from me due to abuse and I can’t go back to feeling as bad as I did last year, I had never felt worse and I’m so scared of feeling that way again. I need my F/Os I need Ken and I’m so far away from him now I don’t feel his love for me anymore and it’s terrifying bc last year was the worst year of my entire life and I don’t want to go through my flashbacks and nightmares all by myself, I don’t want to go back to constantly planning my own demise when my trauma was so fresh and I had nothing to comfort me. I jolted awake from more ptsd nightmares today, which has been nearly an everyday ordeal for a year, and I wanted to think of Ken comforting me like I usually do but I didn’t have the heart to do so. I feel so unloved and replaceable the way ppl easily replace my S/I in all of my posts, I don’t believe he’d care for me anymore.

I keep having meltdowns bc the thought of losing F/Os all over again during a time when I’m STILL in such an unsafe situation shakes me up so bad and I don’t know how to solve this problem. I need him with me I need comfort from these characters but I don’t feel connected with them anymore bc I’ve associated them with a dozen other people. At this point I’m not really upset about missing Im Just Ken, im upset about the fact i just feel nothing whatsoever and watching that live could have helped a little but I won’t be able to access it until other people have already seen it, and it won’t feel special anymore. And my ship with him just in general doesn’t feel special anymore, none of them do, and I’m scared and devastated and I don’t know how to fix it

Sebastian Vael: *had, at the very minimum, neglectful if not outright emotionally abusive parents, was basically kidnapped and sent to the chantry against his will, decided to stay in the chantry bc Elthina actually gave him a choice which no other figure in his life had done to that point, found peace and belonging in the chantry, then found out his entire family was murdered, leaving him with massive survivor’s guilt and a throne he’s not even sure it’s right for him to reclaim, breaks his vows to the chantry to chase revenge which he immediately feels even more guilt about, finds out it was an old family friend that ordered his family’s deaths so that’s a fun betrayal he has to deal with, is torn between the peace of the chantry and his loyalty to Elthina or his duty to his home city and people of Starkhaven, despite all the trauma tries to stay optimistic and genuinely wants to help people, never preaches to a unwilling audience and instead engages in actual dialogue about his faith, seriously homeboy even acknowledges the chantry’s flaws but has hope it could be made better, opts to stay in Kirkwall to protect his pseudo-mother figure Elthina from a potential mage rebellion, only for her to die in a catastrophic explosion along with several of his brothers and sisters in the faith, whom he likely knew longer than he’d ever known Hawke and Co., and the chantry that he called home for more than a decade is also lost, and the guy who did it is literally right to next to him ranting about how he had no other choice but to commit wholesale murder, so he is understandably consumed by rage and grief and isn’t in the best state of mind, but if you kill the guy who murdered his chantry family he’s basically a ride or die no matter side of the mage-templar war you choose*

Y’all: ugh what a boring character. i hate his dumb temper tantrum at the end of the game. wish we could kill him.

sometimes i wish i was still a blog nobody cared about so that my little tag rambles wouldn’t turn into tumblr discourses for two days straight 🥲

My brain, during therapy: you can have a little bit of crying and trauma processing, during our regular scheduled Talking About Trauma Time, as a treat :)

so. i watched shubble’s vod. i just feel so so sorry that she had to go through that but i’m glad she’s in a place now where she felt comfortable sharing her story. i truly believe it’s going to help so many people. there were parts of her story i could relate to and it was incredibly validating to hear that some of the things i went through were not okay. it’s been 4 years and i feel like over time i’ve tried to downplay exactly what happened. i’ve also blocked a lot of it out of my memory and genuinely can’t recall a lot of specific instances. but just hearing her put her experiences into words was so healing for me. i hope she feels all the love from her friends and fans and continues to heal and thrive. and i don’t know how likely this is, but i hope the person who hurt her never has the opportunity to hurt anyone ever again.

gonna vent a little below the cut:

thankfully i was never physically abused, but i was in an emotionally manipulative/borderline abusive relationship for about two months. thankfully my friends are incredible and helped me to see the red flags quickly so it didn’t last longer or progress more. but when shubble started talking about how this guy would say she was remembering things wrong and tell her she’s overreacting or being dramatic, that really hit close to home for me. because whenever my ex would do things that upset me and i called him out on it, he would say it wasn’t a big deal and i just didn’t know how relationships worked because i had never been in one before (at the time i was freshly 20 and he was 25).

also when shubble said she had to help this guy clean his house/do chores, and maybe he had never learned so she felt bad for him, i just flashed back to my ex telling me all of his childhood trauma, making me feel bad for him and like i couldn’t leave and break his heart. he admitted one of the reasons he started dating me was because he liked my family and wanted a replacement for his dysfunctional one. idk it’s a loose connection, but it’s interesting how abusers will make you feel sorry for them and sort of trap you in the relationship.

also the bit about the safe word. i laid out my physical boundaries very early on and he promised not to cross them and then he did multiple times. he would weaponize this. whenever i upset him by not texting him back immediately or had to reschedule a date because i was a busy college student, he would tell me i could make it better by offering physical affection. and i would do it bc he made me feel like i had done something awful when in reality no sane person would react like he had.

the part that made me really sick to my stomach was when shubble talked about how this guy pinned her down and told her to try to push him off and she couldn’t. and then he said she wouldn’t stand a chance against him in a fight. that is so unbelievably messed up. and all i could think of was the time i was at my ex’s apartment watching a movie and i fell asleep on his shoulder. and when i woke up he said “i can’t believe you fell asleep. i could have done anything to you and you wouldn’t have known.” if a romantic partner is thinking about and telling you these things RUN VERY FAST IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. to this day i’m still so glad i didn’t date him for a longer amount of time, who knows what might’ve happened.

okay last thing. the part about shubble’s ex insisting that he loves her more than she does. it just brought me back to when i broke up with my ex and he insisted that no one would ever love me as much as him. there were no guys out there who were as good as him. and for the longest time i believed this. i internalized that i was unlovable, that i would never find a guy who would treat me right, that all men were terrible. and i was scared of dating for years after this because i didn’t want to go through all the anxiety and waking on eggshells and screaming my anger into pillows again. but over time i’ve been able to heal, thanks to family, friends, and my relationship with God. i’ve opened my heart up to the possibility of romance again. i haven’t dated anyone since i ended things with my ex, but i’m open to the idea. but i will not settle for anything less than what i deserve. shubble’s story has definitely contributed to my resolve.

okay that’s all. if you’ve read this far thank you for letting me get this off my chest. i love you and take care of yourselves ❤️

Okay guys, you may have noticed I barely posted anything new today, if anything, because the distress has been Severely Genuinely Getting To Me Badly, so I am gonna take a little bit of a break.

I still don’t want the momentum to stop, so I would like to please direct you to the posts I currently have on my blog if you have yet to see or share them.

They are under the tag “free palestine” as always. I’ve made it a featured tag on my blog for easier access.

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tbh i think if i fail at making friends again this quarter i am just going to take the L and assume there is something fundamentally unlikeable about me in person and give up 👍🏻

i hate that whenever i want to read some fluffy eren x reader to ease my stress i can only find smut, i have to scroll for two hours AT LEAST to find anything remotely PG 😭

i’m really sad actually