#do i HAVE TO be bad
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rant
- ) or that feeling, "living in the future"
when y2k came, it was for people, like dream, fascination - hope:
- year 2000 is at the door, world looks bright, internet is "ough" to "solve" all our problems, maybe even "to topple the game (of rich bastards) down"...
-- feeling like this - if you got me (this sentiment, dream of utopia, unity, mutual understanding "coz of net" - oh man, if they knew...)
- which reminds me of thread [sic] "MLP and New Sincerity" - about being sincere, "you", - all that *sweet* (or not) jazz...
addendum:
#0 punks and emos of 2000s-2010s: basically "When we were young" fest, - safe for fact it was then "current thing": pic-rel + all those rock, punk, emo, - things playing on radio --- a psyop??? + 80s (music, not aesthetics) nostalgia occuring around that time... : music-rel (yeah, pretty much this playlist is "getting rich" from nostalgia - go, figure :/)
#1 youtube campaign "broadcoast yourself" - dawg man, i am so confussed how we could "get bought" over this - and believe come corporation! it sounds so - ironic; looking at it from lens of someone, living in *these* times "after fad"... - really believing(?) that commonmen can, thru sheer "influence" thru net, shape world... (what a joke!!!) [were we sold on *this feeling"!???]
#1b general naiivity over "corporations allowing us all this" - how was that not suspicious!! i wonder... (letting our guard and awareness so low) ~ but then, werent we (born 1999-and so; living with siblings (sister), of 8 year difference...)
#1.5 campaign of web providers (geocities, goDaddy or such), *basically* saying "be you"/"promote yourself"
(if you get me, that is; i am - getting nostalgic, over something i very fogly remember - in fact, now i get - why those "boomers" over here are getting nostalgic over living in socialism (when, they were kids... - so was i...)
--- WAS this all^ psy-op - contrarian messages, just "selling feeling", scham, make-believe dreams?
or is it that *there somewhere*, it was "all taken away from us" - well, as i see, that is very little probability, and it was just tactic to "get everyone on net" - those fxxx bastards!! (#me, being naiive...)
On Apathy: Man. I don't want to shit on the current generation too much because it's been done to death, but you're gonna be hard-pressed to find a late zoomer/Gen-A who can use a hammer or any other tool properly. It's like there's no awareness of the world around them. We're talking missing 9/10 of the time with a hammer. Honestly, I think they're just tired of it all and don't care to learn anymore. I can't blame them. It feels like the whole world is falling apart, but never enough to bring an end to the stress that comes from it. Perhaps it's a demoralization sort of thing. A "_______ is going to happen so it won't matter anyway." sort of situation. Everyone is just tired and doesn't have the energy to care.
- aHR0cHM6Ly9mb3J1bS5hZ29yYXJvYWQuY29tL2luZGV4LnBocD90aHJlYWRzL2RvZXMtdGhlLXpvb21lci1nZW5lcmF0aW9uLWhhdmUtemVyby10ZWNoLXNraWxscy41OTgwL3Bvc3QtODQxNjc= (pssst)
end: - i was played on. -- world of broken promises pre-2001~2008... --- "you need to be unique to stand out", so, next step in my mind was > "no way to be normie" >> i never knew what *they* (who?) meant - does computers screw us all in some way? or was is that we made ourselves... we build them... then, we dont know ourselves > you dont know things until it is too late? or > was it "The Plan"? use people as puppets > "NPC Naysayers"? - to make all sorts of crazy laws? power-trip? I dont want to - but, do i HAVE TO be bad, in any sense? -- Last time i had any confidence was in 2010-2015... but it was nothing much, it was just fuzzy feeling. there were bad things, yet, i felt fine... so, do i hate myself now? because - why? am i afraid to lose that? then, what happened!? is it some kind of trauma - or simply, disability to adapt? maybe thats why --- i miss 2008-2013 - times when i could be naiive. myself. no pretend, even if i wanted to... is it only now that i am afraid? or am i going insane and want to blame others for "making problems to sell cure"? - maybe i never was teenager, so with strict and boomers-like parents, it is like i have to make my dreams now - if i only wanted to - if i wasnt so emberassed... -- "teen-ages in stasis"? > peter pan syndrome? --- i dont want to live in my head - but what to do - - what i even want?? - am i afraid of success, of being "too strong", "bad" to others? there are like milion things...
AM I NORMAL?: could be, maybe i am just afraid to be
The commercial exploitation of the web has become a growing facet of the world economy, particularly in the last several years. In June 1999 NUA Internet Surveys estimated that 179 million people are connected to the Internet worldwide. A recent study by the University of Texas sponsored by Cisco Systems estimated that the "Internet Economy" generated $300 billion in revenue in the United States alone.
Conrad Johnson and Brian Donnelly, “A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD WIDE WEB AND THE INTERNET “, Part 6, Columbia.edu, (Oct 24, 2003).
#lost future#bubble foam promises#tech-zine future#edgy 2000s teen#nostalgia#future that never was#lost futures#y2k#mood#aesthetics#vaporwave#vaporware#classics#end: - i was played on. -- world of broken promises pre-2001~2008... --- “you need to be unique to stand out”#so#next step in my mind was > “no way to be normie” >> i never knew what *they* (who?) meant - does computers screw us all in some way? or was#we dont know ourselves > you dont know things until it is too late? or > was it “The Plan”? use people as puppets > “NPC Naysayers”? - to m#do i HAVE TO be bad#in any sense? -- Last time i had any confidence was in 2010-2015... but it was nothing much#it was just fuzzy feeling. there were bad things#yet#i felt fine... so#do i hate myself now? because - why? am i afraid to lose that? then#what happened!? is it some kind of trauma - or simply#disability to adapt? maybe thats why --- i miss 2008-2013 - times when i could be naiive. myself. no pretend#even if i wanted to... is it only now that i am afraid? or am i going insane and want to blame others for “making problems to sell cure”? -#so with strict and boomers-like parents#it is like i have to make my dreams now - if i only wanted to - if i wasnt so emberassed... -- “teen-ages in stasis”? > peter pan syndrome?#of being “too strong”#“bad” to others? there are like milion things...
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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The world exists in such a baffling state of simultaneous sex-aversion and sex-hegemony. Every social platform on the internet is trying to banish sex workers to the shadow realm but I can't post a tweet without at least two bots replying P U S S Y I N B I O. People are self-censoring sex to seggs and $3× but every other ad you see is still filled with half-naked women. Rightwingers want queer people arrested for so much as existing in the same postal code as a child and are also drumming up a moral panic about how teenage boys aren't getting laid enough. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
#it's bad if you want i have sex it's also bad if you DON'T want to have sex#god forbid if you're a woman in a heterosexual marriage and aren't in the mood#that's 'withholding sex' and you're clearly abusive scum who should be divorced and left without any of your shared assets.#but if you DO have sex now you're a degenerate freak plotting for the downfall of western society#i don't know what to say i'm just so tired#politics#culture#queerphobia#lgbtqia#misogyny#<it's not the exclusive source but let's be honest sooo much of this is integral to the patriarchy#patriarchy needs access to an underclass they can treat like sex objects but they also don't want them to have any human rights#so sexuality is both obligatory and stigmatized#purity culture#i'm really struggling with tagging this because most of the appropiate tags would- in a beautiful twist of irony- get me booted off tumblr
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WARNING 18+
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#ra speaks#it’s a silly joke/pun dw#we stay silly :3#edit:#woahg. that’s a lot of notes. hi everybody o/#10k. stop clenching your jaw and drink some water.#15k. eat some fresh fruit this week! I’m having kiwis tonight :]#20k. quit sitting like a shrimp it’s bad for your neck! sit up straight and do a little stretch every now and then#25k. I’m up at 2 AM but I’ll get to see the sunrise today :] if you can’t see that I hope you admire the sunset later today#30k. do something fun you haven’t done in a while. I haven’t drawn in months - I think I’ll paint a cat tomorrow :3
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr#warm up#idk . having trouble writing rn#ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum#i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for#i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography#like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days#furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will#actually ever happen#ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum
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A h-heartfelt reunion..?
Bonus
#Sir Crocodile#Monkey D Dragon#Emporio Ivankov#Dragodile#Crocodad#My art#One Piece#We're not gonna talk about the work I should be doing rn I have Severe Procrastinitis and I'm doing my best okay#Alternative version where it was both Crocodile and Garp beating Dragon's ass before Iva-chan joined in but that was too much effort lmao#I'm a believer in Dragon being a Wind Logia so don't worry guys he is 100% taking this beating intentionally#He knows what he did and he's dealing with the concequences of his actions. With grace.#You know I realize Iva-chan should be two whole meters taller than Crocodile but we're just gonna ignore that#Look Iva-chan taking Crocodile's side and being like ''Crocoboy is right you fucked up bad Dragon'' brings me joy#And for real I've been wanting to draw this for months. But never did because I had other shit to do. Which I still do#But. You know. Sometimes you need to draw a shitpost. It's ✨ self-care ✨#And appearently One Piece shitpost comics have become the thing I draw for myself on occassion
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In a better kinder world. Gideon nav would have been at the club.
#😔#the locked tomb#eskildit posts tlt#she would have loved it#admittedly I do have a fic concept about her at the club but I uh refer to it as#Gideons no good very bad night at the dyke bar#sorry king I’m making you suffer like this#gideon nav#ok to rb
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rage
#dimension 20#fantasy high junior year#fantasy high junior year spoilers#d20#d20 spoilers#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#ratgrinders#kipperlilly copperkettle#lucy frostblade#ivy embra#oisin hakinvar#mary ann skuttle#ruben hopclap#my art#i have more urgent thigns to do but by god it feels exquisite to be able to draw again#you go you entitled angry tragic little rogue girl. i need kipperlilly vs riz so bad#cw blood
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#good omens#´hello friends!! how are you!!#I hope you're doing well! ( ´ ▽ ` )#I have a big cough but otherwise I am good! It's nothign bad I am just very slimey#usually I am not a cough person I am not sure where this is coming from#most of the time I just get a stuffy nose#has my nose gotten stronger#but there are good news too I have already found a VERY good chestnut to put into my pocket this autumn!! its very small! (❁´▽`❁)#it's been a very warm autumn in Germany so far so it has not really felt like fall yet#but yesterday it was all rainy and stormy and I had two new books and it was the best day possible to have a slimey cough (:#and now I feel SO much autumn I am close to buying a set of window colors#I do not know what I would to with the window colors I just have this strong urge in me to buy a window color set#the last time I did a window color was at the birtday of a class mate I think she turned 9 and I made a deer#but for some reason we did this craft 5 minutes before we all had to leave so we had to carry our window color deer home wet#unfortunatly for the deer and me I fell down the stairs of her house and smeared the deer all over me and i screamed the entire drive home#which wasn't very long but it probably felt very long for the mother who had a screaming child covered in window color deer inside her car
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I love how on Tumblr, "media literacy" has become "Um, just because someone writes about this doesn't mean they're endorsing this. I hate all these media puritans ruining everything."
I'm sad to inform you that knowing when and whether an author is endorsing something, implying something, saying something, is also part of media literacy. Knowing when they are doing this and when they're not is part of media literacy. Assuming that no author has ever endorsed a bad thing is how you fall for proper gander. It's not media literacy to always assume that nobody ever has agreed with the morally reprehensible ideas in their work.
Sometimes, authors are endorsing something, and you need to be aware when that happens, and you also need to be aware when you're doing it as an author. All media isn't horny dubcon fanfic where you and the author know it's problematic IRL but you get off to it in the privacy of your brain. Sometimes very smart people can convince you of something that'll hurt others in the real world. Sometimes very dumb people will romanticize something without realizing they're doing it and you'll be caught up in it without realizing that you are.
Being aware of this is also media literacy. Being aware of the narrative tools used to affect your thinking is media literacy. Deciding on your own whether you agree with an author or not is media literacy. Enjoying characters doing bad things and allowing authors to create flawed or cruel characters for the sake of a story is perfectly fine, but it is not the same as being media literate. Being smug about how you never think an author has bad intentions tells me you're edgy, not that you're media literate. You can't use one rule to apply to all media. That's not how media literacy works. Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Aheem heem. Anyway.
#anyway this is just more of that lefty shit where 'well i can't be racist because i'm gay!'#'well i can't be media illiterate because i love villains!'#not how that works babes#'well I KNOW bad from good so i can't be affected by media!'#'everyone else also knows bad from good and defines it the exact way i do!'#'so if i think this is bad then the author must also think this is bad!'#i have bad news ....#also how do you know bad from good? who taught you that? hmm?#did you fall out of the womb knowing? or did you pick up some things on the way here?#'i just know' no you don't! that's what i'm saying!#assuming one thing is always true is the opposite of being a conscious consumer of media soz#assuming someone thinks and knows the exact same shit you think and know is not media literacy!!
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I love "i would kill for you" ship dynamics but what about "i would stop killing" ship dynamic??
I would lay down my sword for you. I would change my nature and go against everything i've known. I would resist the easy way out of solving my problems. I would give up the adrenaline of battle to stay by your side and make tea instead. I'm not sure I know who I am without a weapon in my hand because I've had to fight for so long but for you I'm willing to try and figure this out.
It must be hard. To put down your weapon that's protected you for so long. It's allowed you to stay alive it's kept you from getting hurt--physically and mentally. Because you've never had to worry about a real relationship if you think you'll be dead at the next battle. And you feel naked without it and it feels like you're ripping off an extension of yourself. Are you even whole without it? Are you worthy of being loved if you can't prove it by risking your life? And yet they've found someone who's asking them for something much harder than dying in battle on their behalf. They've found someone who wants them to live. And that's much more terrifying.
#i know this sounds like the 'bad guy falls for good guy' which can be fun but thats not what i mean#anyway. this wasn't quite zukka but i do think it aligns with my au of zuko not dying on the throne and sokka retiring his sword to paint#and living like piandao in the mountains. urging zuko to retire and zuko no longer needing fire bending and not knowing what to do with#himself if he doesnt have to fight#so he uses his bending to make tea instead :)#aka this is how divorced zukka can still get together#zuko being upset bc sokka chose work over them in the first place but so dodnhe#but he gets a second chance in retirement#if he can give it up
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the low quality children
#FINALLY. ALL OF THEM#it’s fun how the colours on this ended up similar to the only other time i drew them all#d20#fh#fhjy#fantasy high#my art#riz gukgak#fabian aramais seacaster#gorgug thistlespring#adaine abernant#fig faeth#kristen applebees#the bad kids#i’m so glad i don’t have to draw tiedye i’m eternally thankful for kristen’s new outfit#god what is fabian wearing. i do not know
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the thing about having been really broke. averaging $500 a month in a good year broke. using a gamestop credit card i shouldn't have qualified for to buy taco bell gift cards for food broke. is that i am SO bad with money. i have a degree in accounting and i am so bad with money. i do not think of myself as superstitious at all but money feels so cursed. not in a spiritual way, i mean literally. practically.
having 'too much' money feels so bad. money is a thing you spend as soon as you get it because it's so cursed. the more it is the more cursed it is. i save too much money and bad things will happen that cost all my money. money is a thing that summons expenses. if i have no money and the car breaks down i find a way to make it work. i scrounge and resell and pass the hat and talk to my mom's friend's friend who knows a guy and in the end i'm so relieved to be right back where i started. but if i were saving my money for a new computer and then the car broke down, the money is just gone. i spent the money i saved for a thing i wanted on a thing i needed instead and after all that hoping i'm right back where i started.
i get a windfall and i set the money aside because if i'm careful that's enough to pay for gas for months. but then i need to pay for heat and i apply for assistance and they look at my bank account and see i have money and now they won't help pay for heat. soon it's just a habit. i get the money and i spend the money. immediately, as soon as possible, get this money away from me. don't even save enough for cigarettes. i can find money for cigarettes, somehow i can always find money for cigarettes. cigarette money is a weird magical fake money i summon from dark corners whenever i run out of cigarettes. i don't know how it works either. i've tried to summon the cigarette money for things that aren't cigarettes and it never works. just get this out of my bank account. get it out of here before something notices there's money here.
anyway i'm working on it but god it's hard
#original#i think i've made this exact same post before but everyone politely ignore that my memory is bad#i was doing better and then it all crashed and burned in the last couple months#and i'm fixing it but god it feels so stupid#i'd finally worked my way up to having Savings. Any Savings At All. where did it go.#how did i spend that much on pennywhistles and moonpies#that shouldn't be possible that's illegal
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i just got recommended the blog wordsearchwhatever and let's just say if this was 2014 our blogs would be anthropomorphized and kissing
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP RSTUVW YZ
24/26
#and per se and#except a little bit of. what do the kids call it. kismesis#cuz they do word searches kinda bad#and i have opinions on that officially speaking
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Birds of a Feather
previous / next
#my art#feralnette au#birds of a feather#long tags#sorry I went apeshit in the tags#LETS SAY IT ALL TOGETHER NOW#I - M - A - G - OOOOOOOOO#its fun drawing marinette's back to Alya and having her appear stout and unstoppable and totally logical#and then you see her face and she's like two seconds from completely snapping and is keeping it together by a thread#as a note just because mari feels very certainly abt smth doesnt mean she's right. feelings can be valid and also irrational#in the throes of grief she decided it was better to be alone than to lose someone again so she started pulling away#and lila made pulling away very very very easy to do#shes also vaguely aware she's being unfair in pinning this on alya which is why she started spinning the drain on cockmoth again#legitimately all the shit that's happened to her wouldn't have been so catastrophic if he was never in the picture and she knows it#but the bitterness of her bestie choosing a fantastic liar over her at the worst of times stiiiiiings#alya's personal timing was bad but lila really took advantage of the fact that marinette had been acting off and weird#she basically clocked marinette as being unstable from SOMETHING and made up a lie about her#knowing she wouldn't have the strength to defend herself#between her social life going tachy bc of lila and losing fu in a way that felt like personhood death marinette was really put on the spot#and alya doing her thing of busting in there and assuming her bias is correct was a terrible combo#essentially marinette is highly unstable and alya is just realizing that#busting in and giving her a lecture when she's slightly hysterical and definitely delirious from exhaustion is NOT the way#to show her she's self sabotaging#cuz thats just gonna make her double down on self sabotaging. bc marinette will not accept that she is also a CHIIIIILD
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Some ppl are like "I'm a kinky sex-positive pervert freak!!!" and then make fun of virgins and asexuals..... sure, reclaim freakiness but keep working on that because teasing ppl for their sex lives (or lack thereof) is, unfortunately, very normie mainstream vanilla behaviour. the right to sexual determination includes NOT having sex. 101 shit. Like this isnt subversive dude, it's using the edge of an ideology for bullying
#def made this post before but it happens again and again and again#having a couple of bad encounters with homophobic or sex shaming or cringe ace ppl is no excuse. do the work#bodily autonomy no matter how uncool you think someone is#(again not that it matters but some of the kinkiest people i know are ace lol mind boggling I know)#happy pride to asexuals 😘😘#tvtalks
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