#count your blessings that your guts work right y’all
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So I accidentally committed a war crime today
My brother has friends over from our dnd group and I am absolutely gonna catch hell for this later and I genuinely feel horrible
But the TL;DR moment here is that one of said friends used the bathroom like two minutes after I took a massive shit and it didn’t have time to uh. Air out.
And in this house, we talk about poop (digestive issues gang wya), so if you don’t wanna know why it was a war crime, stop reading now.
It’s not graphic but it’s gross, and if you don’t have digestive issues, you might not be used to poop talk, so viewer discretion is advised
I have something called EPI (exocrine pancreatic insufficiency), which basically means that I don’t digest my food when I eat. Were it not for the miracles of modern medicine, I would be doomed to die a slow and painful death from malnutrition (assuming I didn’t get myself killed in another way first, anyway; EPI is just one in a long list of issues I have). Thank everything for digestive enzymes.
If you’ve never experienced digestive issues, I pray you never will. If you have them, I’m deeply sorry. Only about three (out of eleven) of my body systems actually function the way they’re supposed to, and while mental health and fibro are the biggest bitches in my life, EPI is the one that ruins my day the easiest. I did not understand the importance of a fully-functioning digestive system until mine quit functioning.
The things I’ve seen.
My word, the things I’ve seen.
You really do not want to know.
Believe me when I say that you have no idea how gigantic of a blessing taking a normal shit is until it stops happening in your life. Prior to diagnosis, I was pretty constantly having feast or famine (aka constipation or unholy diarrhea) when it came to my shit, on top of consistent bloating and nausea. I also started vomiting like once a month, then once a week, then basically every other day until I got my meds. When my mom started going through the beginning stages of her EPI, I was genuinely concerned that she would die because she’s diabetic and constant shitting and vomiting means you can’t control your blood sugar very well.
I’m not kidding when I say EPI can kill you. It’s like dysentery, but slower, and it’s not a germ that’s at fault. It’s your stupid fucking pancreas. I hate my pancreas. He’s a little bitch.
Anyways, I’ve finally gotten mostly back to normal now that I have treatment for my EPI, but there are still some things that are… sketchy.
My poop is finally solid again (which was never something I thought I would be genuinely happy about???), but it’s not as regular as before my digestive woes. I go less frequently with more mass.
I think it spends more time in my gut than it used to because my body needs all the extra help digesting food, so it has more time to fester and get stinky.
It’s not usually awful, but you definitely wanna wait five or so minutes before walking into the same bathroom. My friend waited like a minute and a half. It was like a whole pound of poop. Not a pleasant smell.
I am so sorry for the atrocities my body has committed against humanity. May your nostrils rest in peace, friend.
#digestive issues#digestive woes#funny in a gross way#I have committed war crimes#epi#exocrine pancreatic insufficiency#normalize talking about the gross parts of your body#everybody poops#my illness may be invisible but I don’t think the smell was#seriously I think I saw green stench lines coming from it#count your blessings that your guts work right y’all#digestive gang
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ghostin him
Summary: Life is nothing more than dull colors for you, your world shattered and laying in the shards of what once was rather than focusing on what is. That is until you meet Kim Namjoon, who is immediately taken by you without realizing you’re a girl with a whole lot of baggage, through tears and many sleepless nights you’re faced with a choice of hanging on with bleeding hands, or accepting what is, and letting go.
‘What did you do?’
‘I ruined everything. I kissed her and she looked at me like I was a ghost.’
Pairing: Namjoon/Reader, Taehyung/reader
Word Count: 26k
Genre: hurt and comfort, angst with a happy ending, whew this one is gonna hurt y’all, bakery!AU, one sided pining, unrequited feelings, some more angst, Jungkook just really loves his Noona, Namjoon is a mess, but so is MC,
Warning: this fic deals with major character death, mourning and suicidal thoughts, please read with caution!
Note: whew, I’m not gonna lie guys this is a pretty heavy fic! I poured a lot of sad feelings into this as just a way to vent out my sadness! I’d also like to mention I am fine lmao! I often get bouts of sadness and all of it went into this so I hope you enjoy! Last but not least a big big big thank you to @tiny-onecx for beta reading this when it was a giant mess and helping me turn it into the bittersweet story it is today! <3
“Baby, come on, wake up,” His deep, dulcet voice quietly called out, a whine escaping you as you flopped onto your stomach, your face buried. Large hands grabbing your waist as his fingertips dragged against the open skin, “C’mon, you missed your alarm clock.” You felt his nose rub against your neck, hair tickling your skin and his body was so warm.
Rolling over you groaned as you glanced at the man who laid beside you, Taehyung’s smile lit up like the sun as he let his fingers gently brush over the skin of your face, “Morning.”
Adoration filled your whole chest, butterflies swarming in your stomach with giddy happiness you couldn’t ever adequately describe as a shy smile tugged on your lips, “Morning.” His fingers dragging down to your lips, thumbing the soft subtle lower lip. His forehead pressing against yours as he smiled once more, “Come on baby, let’s get up.”
“Get up.”
“Y/n, you’re gonna be late for work, what the hell!?”
Your eyes cracked open as you groaned, your roommate Jimin was already dressed and had probably already eaten breakfast as he sighed, frowning at your somewhat confused figure as your head snapped to the other side of the bed. It was like a sucker punch in the gut, seeing the other side of the bed empty. Tears already threatened to spill, the butterflies in your stomach were gone, his deep voice along with it as you realized Taehyung, the man you had woken up with was just a cruel dream, “I’ll be up in a minute.” You muttered, covering your face with your pillow as you choked back a crack in your voice.
You could feel Jimin’s presence stay in the room at the sound of your muffled sob, refusing to show your face from your pillow as you curled up away from him. You didn’t want to talk about it, he knew it, but it still hurt to watch you. Even after a year it was like time had stopped, would it ever heal? Your door quietly shut after a minute as you pressed your face into your pillow to quiet your sobs, hugging it close and praying maybe if you tried hard enough you’d fall back asleep where you’d be with Taehyung again.
It didn’t matter how much sleep you got, your body was permanently lethargic and tired, getting out of bed every day was always a difficult task. Tears stained your face as you grabbed your phone, sniffling as you muttered, “Shit.” You dropped your phone into your lap as you pressed your hands to your face. You were late. Again. Your boss had been understanding the first six months, but now? Not so much.
You got up, hurriedly wiping your face as you sniffled once more, fumbling with your clothes as you changed. Tying up your hair as you grabbed your phone before hurrying out the door, Jimin long gone for work so at the very least he wasn’t going to nag you for being late. It didn’t matter what you did, you tried everything, a new hobby, crafts, drawing, baking, nothing worked. Nothing filled the void in you. You could find Taehyung in everything you did, always.
Straightening yourself out you opened the door to the cafe you worked in. The only thing that made you feel better was working, filling your life with nothing but endless busy work to keep your thoughts off of him. It worked until you got off shift and rinse repeat. That was all your life had become now.
It used to be filled with vivid hues and rose colored glasses with Taehyung, he found beauty in everything and he showered you in all of it, he taught you optimism and love in a way you never thought you could feel it. You had gotten so used to his presence you didn’t even realize how much you radiate happiness when he was with you. Now your life is a bleak endless void; work, cry, sleep.
It’s all the energy you had to do anymore, what was the point in doing anything else? You’d never get to experience life in the beautiful eyes of Taehyung again. You sucked a sharp breath of air in as a voice called out, “Hey! There you are Noona.” Like a blessing from above your coworker called out with a big bunny-like smile.
“Thank’s Jungkook.” He hadn’t even said anything but you couldn’t help but give a weak smile in compensation for him not ratting you out to your boss who luckily wasn’t in today. He knew what happened, but he rarely ever brings it up, perhaps sensing you were still grieving and would prefer to keep your mind off it.
But you knew you couldn’t fool anyone, your smile always seemed sadder these days, Jungkook more than anyone could sense it. Rounding the counter you set your bag down as he asked softly, “Are you good?” That was all he ever asked, an open invitation that if you ever wanted to talk about it he’d be more than happy to listen. Many people in your life were like this, bless all of them.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” You mumbled, refusing to look at him as you dug through your things, pretending as if you were looking for something when you genuinely couldn’t look at him, few words could cause you to burst into a faucet of tears and you refused to cry at work.
If you turned around to look up at Jungkook’s stupid, soft, doe like eyes that were always so understanding you’d surely start crying. You didn’t have to look at your coworker to know he was frowning but said no more, just like always.
You didn’t mean to push all of your friends away, but you simply needed time alone, by yourself to get through this. If ever. Some days you couldn’t help but wonder if you’d ever get over it, if you’d ever love someone the way you loved Taehyung again. Pulling the apron on you pushed all of your sad thoughts to the back of your head and got to work.
Work was your happy place, as happy as it could be at least. You could pretend, just for a little while. That everything was okay, “Hey, where did the flour go?” Yoongi came out of the back complaining as he glared at Jungkook, “You closed last night.” His eyes narrowed into daggers at the younger boy who impishly smiled in response,
“Hyung it’s where it always is, didn’t you check the top shelf? It should be there.” Jungkook insisted as he followed Yoongi to the back who was grumbling, said-baker not liking his ingredients misplaced. You felt a small smile tug on your lips as you watched them bicker as the door to the back shut.
Turning away you walked up to the register where a customer had been scanning over the menu before ordering. Fixing coffee, getting a croissant, it was quaint work but something about it made you feel happy. Reminded you of simpler times.
The bell against the door rang as you popped up from your crouched position, setting the plate and coffee on the counter as you called out the customer's name before going back up to the register, carefully watching the man whose eyes met with yours suddenly smack right into a table.
You winced a little as he grunted in pain, rubbing his thigh that hit the hard edge of the table, his face looking oddly red as he rubbed his neck, unable to hold your stare for a even a short period of time as he awkwardly coughed, frantically looking over the menu, “Uh, you can take your time sir.” You raised an eyebrow as you glanced away, why was he making this feel so awkward?
“O-okay, thank you.” He offered a sincere yet somewhat odd smile, your eyes immediately flickering to the pretty dimples that poked into his cheeks before he quickly looked back up at the menu as you turned around to wipe down the counters that had gotten crumbs all over it. Presumably from Jungkook eating yesterday's leftover pastries that didn’t sell.
Casually you glanced at the stranger, sure you had a few new people every day but generally the cafe only had regulars come in or people that stopped in a few times a week. It was a trendy little place and was close to the city’s college campus making it a hot spot for friends to study at.
“You don’t look like you’ve been here before.” You commented causing him to jump, his eyes flicking to your figure before immediately back to the menu.
“I uh- Probably because I haven’t,” He gave an awkward smile as he closed his eyes, without even fully realizing it you felt your lips tug into a tiny smile as he began to relax a little at your observation, “My friend constantly talks about how amazing the pastries here are so I figured I’d come by and try them, just the smell is making my mouth water.”
Letting your arms rest against the counter you hummed, “You should try the coco cream cupcakes if you like chocolate oh! Or the sugar glazed puff pastries if you want something light and low on the sweetness.” Sugar glazed pastries were your favorite, Yoongi would always let you take leftovers home if they didn’t all sell that day. You always loved sharing them with-
“Alright! I’ll have two of the sugar glazed pastries then! Oh, can I get an americano to go with it?” He asked, seemingly confident in your choice of sweets or maybe just a little overwhelmed at how much was crammed onto the small menu.
To be fair Yoongi was always whipping out new recipes and they always tasted delicious, he eventually had to keep some limited edition due to the limited space on the menu and sometimes he’d put up seasonal sweets as well. Your favorite was never pumpkin spice but nutmeg and cider cinnamon rolls, it tasted like october. October would be coming around again soon, it was hard to believe it would be a year soon…
“Of course.” You coughed out, hands fumbling somewhat as you tried to keep your mind from sinking into a place where it would not return if you let it, “Name?”
“U-uh what?” He asked, looking somewhat sheepish and caught off guard as you glanced up from the register, tilting your head at the sight of his flushed face and eyes that kept jumping between you and the menu over ahead as if to appear like he wasn’t staring at you.
“For the order…” You replied somewhat hesitantly, a frown on your face as he suddenly laughed, looking mildly relieved as he rubbed the back of his neck. Still refusing to meet your gaze as if he seemed a little embarrassed.
“O-oh right. Namjoon.” He offered a weak smile as you wrote it down on his cup. Ringing him up you gave him his receipt before working on his americano. Jungkook just then opened the door to the back, the front of his black shirt completely covered in flour and his face looked as if he just sucked on a lemon.
“...Do I wanna ask?” You frowned though you felt your lips threatening to tug into a smile at his exasperated expression, turning to face the register as he mumbled something about accidentally putting the flour in the pantry. Setting the sugar glazed pastry neatly on a plate before placing the plate and drink on the counter calling Namjoon’s name who appeared to be typing very passionately on his phone before glancing up.
“Thank you- ah…” He paused for a moment, his eyes dropping to your shirt before he smiled brightly at you, “Y/n.” Your name tag was a little crooked today, making it stick out from your clothes in an annoying way but you couldn’t be bothered to adjust it.
You gave a small nod as you turned around, glancing at Jungkook who seemed to watch both you and the man- Namjoon like a hawk as you asked, “What?”
“Nothing.” He shrugged but it definitely did not look like nothing, before you could interrogate the younger boy he was already taking a customer's order. Sighing, you shook your head before you began working on the next order.
The day went by quickly as always, the only thing that stuck out was when Namjoon left, waving at you before accidentally smacking against a chair that had been left unpushed by a table, causing him to stumble. You weren’t sure why but something just seemed….
“He likes you.”
Your head whipped back over to Jungkook who was finished the last of cleaning before taking off as if his shift ended an hour earlier than yours. You couldn’t help but scoff as you rolled your eyes.
“I’m being serious Noona!” Jungkook frowned, waving his hand to the door where Namjoon had long since left, “He kept smiling like an idiot while glancing over at you working.” You crossed your arms as you tilted your head.
“You were watching him eat?” You raised a brow, Jungkook’s face flushing somewhat as he glanced away, mumbling a no despite knowing for a fact he definitely was, “He’s just a customer Jungkook.” You dismissed him making a cute pout tug on his lips. You...you couldn’t even think about someone liking you.
It wasn’t possible. Not right now at least. Jungkook sighed, his lips still tugged into a pout and those dumb doe eyes of his always getting the better of you as you scowled looking away, he was so stubborn when he wanted to be, “You might not be ready to move on Noona but that doesn’t mean other people can see that.”
Your jaw clenched and your eyes glared against the counter, refusing to look at him as he sighed, “Bye Noona, see you friday.” You mumbled a goodbye as you sighed, closing your eyes as you rubbed your forehead. Just keep breathing.
“Awh don’t cry baby,” Your cheeks squished and lips peppered against your face as you sniffled, trying your best not to cry at the sad scene in the movie but failing as a small whimper escaped your lips, “You’re so cute.”
You shoved him causing laughter to erupt from his lips as you scowled while sniffling, “Tae shut up!” He gave you a playful nip on the neck as he hauled you into his lap, pressing little kisses against your head as he wrapped his arms around you.
“Don’t worry baby, I’ll always be here to wipe those tears away.” He thumbed a tear against your cheek before his hands suddenly grabbed at your waist, a squeal leaving your lips as he ruthlessly tickled you, giggles escaping you as he pushed you down against the bed, “There’s that pretty smile.” He cooed, that playful boxy grin of his on his face as you squirmed beneath him, tears pricking in your eyes at how hard you were laughing.
Now your eyes were blurring out of sadness, funny how you took those moments for granted when you still had him. Your fingers traced the image of his face on your phone, it was a dumb selfie you had took one morning together when you were half asleep.
What you’d give to be with him again, have him beside you in bed telling you to get off your phone while whining to hold you. You could almost picture him beside you, his hair in a multitude of colors but your favorite was always that stupid blueberry dye he had insisted was indigo.
His hands would be cupping your face, your hand gently grabbing your cheek as you closed your eyes. He’d always thumb your bottom lip before letting his pads delicately trace up your cheekbone. Opening your eyes the bed was still empty, the hand on your face was not his, but your own.
Tears began to pool in your eyes as you rolled onto your back, closing your eyes as you felt a wet tear roll down. Sniffling as you sat up, you couldn’t be here alone tonight. Not surrounded by everything, wearing his old hoodie he’d always give you when you were cold, surrounded by memories of what could have been. What was supposed to be.
Fumbling you stood up, ignoring all the pictures framed of your smiling figure hugging the love of your life. Covering your mouth to keep yourself from sobbing, Jimin would have to be up early tomorrow and you didn’t want him to feel obligated to deal with you. Putting on your shoes you sniffled as you wiped your cheeks.
How late was it? Two in the morning? Maybe even three, you could never truly sleep anymore, not when you weren’t in his arms, not when every moment you breathed the ache filled you. Your feet took you to the only place opened this late; the convenient store. During nights when you didn’t have to work the next day Taehyung loved taking you here when you had a stressful day.
Always rambling about how nothing could cheer you up like a nice hot bowl of ramen. You couldn’t help but smile at the irony as the tears dripped down your cheeks. Wiping them as you entered the store. The cashier looked bored, headphones in and reading a magazine not even acknowledging your presence as you walked to where the ramen was held.
What you didn’t expect to do was ram into what felt like a brick, “Ah!” You stumbled as the man quickly grabbed you by the arms to keep you steady, taking a moment to steady yourself you glanced up only to feel your lips part, “Namjoon?”
“Y/n?” Namjoon hurriedly let you go, looking at you in somewhat disbelief as you flusteredly rubbed your eyes, realizing they were still wet with tears, “Are...are you okay?” He asked somewhat hesitantly as you turned away from him, tears flooding your eyes as your shoulders bobbed.
“Y-yeah.” You sniffled, trying to keep your breathing under control, “I’m okay.” You forced it out as you covered your mouth. Rubbing your eyes once more as you hesitantly took a peep at him, his expression said it all. Truthfully, anyone who had seen you like this always gave you that same expression. Pity. His brows pressed together and lips parted but frowning slightly, “I’m fine!” You forced a smile as another tear trickled down your face, turning away from him again you let out a soft sob as you closed your eyes.
“...Maybe we should get some ramen and sit down?” Namjoon offered while rubbing his neck, “I’m assuming that’s why you’re here?”
....
Glancing down at your cup of steaming warm ramen you sniffled, refusing to look up at the somewhat skittish man who seemed genuinely worried for you.
‘Come on baby, eat up, it’ll make you feel better’
Tears already blurred your eyes again as you closed them, letting out a soft sob, lips trembling as you chopsticks shook, slurping on your noodles as you suppressed your cries. The warm broth making you realize how hungry you were as you swallowed.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Namjoon offered, his expression sad, unsure of how to help you or even if he could, but it seemed he wasn’t leaving anytime soon as he began eating his own noodles.
You stayed silent as tears dripped down your face, clenching your cup with a death grasp as you forced the noodles into your mouth, closing your eyes as you savored them. Unable to even speak as you shook your head. You couldn’t talk about it...it was too soon. Even coming up on a year and it was still too soon.
You felt pathetic living like this, you were crying in front of a stranger while eating cup noodles at a gas station at three in the morning. Where would you be if Taehyung was still here? At home, asleep in his arms.
Closing your eyes you let the tears slide down your face as you surrendered to the hurt you had been drowning in the moment your life was turned upside down.
For the first time, you were grateful to have company, even if you didn’t speak a word to Namjoon he made one sided conversation, rambling about how he had stayed up too late studying for an exam and how he was hungry but didn’t have anything at his dorm.
“I’ve been trying to keep my Bonsai tree alive but...gardening is kind of hard to learn,” Namjoon continued rambling on, confessing as he looked a little embarrassed, awkwardly leaning his seat as he mustered a weak smile while looking down at his cup.
His voice was...soothing to listen to admittedly. Namjoon was oddly poetic in the most unexpected way, he told you he loved philosophy and going to the art museum in his free time. He seemed to be able to find anything to talk about even if you weren’t receptive, but oddly enough he didn’t seem bothered by it.
You were curled up, your knees against your chest and hood burying your face as you listened to him intently, your eyes undoubtedly bloodshot but you had stopped crying a good ten minutes ago, sniffling as he sighed, “But from what I’ve read basically if it doesn’t vibe with the dirt it just dies.”
The snort that escape you made his eyes shoot up to look at you, a giggle breaking out on your lips as you stared at your noodles which had become lukewarm, sniffling a little as a tiny smile tugged on your lips, shaking your head as you mumbled, “That’s not exactly how gardening works. You wanna make sure the soil is good quality and damp, dry soil kills plants fast when they transfer pots, you also need to make sure the roots aren’t overgrown when you transfer it to a bigger pot.”
“Oh? I didn’t take you for a plant expert.” Namjoon quipped playfully, that pretty dimpled smile on his lips, obviously happy to get a not just a smile but also a laugh from you.
You glanced at him for a moment, your lips quirking a little as you raised a brow, shaking your head as you smiled back at your cup again, “I consider myself a bit of dirt viber.” You couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped you as Namjoon joined in. After a moment you paused as you exhaled softly, your smile eventually melting off your face as you meekly glanced at your cup.
“I should get home...work in the morning.” You mumbled as you glanced at your phone, it was already 3:30 in the morning and you needed to be up by seven...the latest if you didn’t want to be late again.
Namjoon nodded understandingly, giving you one last smile when you left. Once again alone, yet for the first time in what felt like a long time, your mind lingered on those pretty dimples.
“You look tired Noona.” You glared at Jungkook who was sucking on a lollipop, giving you a bratty smile as he tried to ruffle your hair only to earn a slap in return, a pout forming on his lip, “Did you think about what I asked?”
Bless the little brats heart, Jungkook was genuinely trying to get you out there again but you had become a shell. You didn’t want to go to parties, you didn’t want to go to the park, you didn’t even want to get groceries anymore. You just wanted to lay in bed for a very long time.
“I’m not interested in going out Jungkook.” You glanced at him tiredly, truthfully you had a good excuse, you were running on three hours of sleep and caffeine could only carry you so far for eight hours, rubbing your eyes you sighed as he whined with a groan.
“You always say that!” Jungkook pouted, much to your surprise Yoongi had shown himself out from his cave as he pushed the door open, a fresh platter of sugar glazed pastries on rack as Jungkook huffed, “Just this once, please?”
“Jungkook,” Yoongi warned as he glanced at the younger boy, taking a glance at you as he frowned, setting down the platter he picked up a pastry as he handed it to you.
Glancing down at the fresh baked soft flaky treat you sighed, “Is this what’s my life come too?” Both boys glanced at you as you stared at the pastry, “Pity pastries and being dragged to parties?”
You shoved the sweet treat into your mouth as you chomped down on the soft doughy material, the sweet crisp sugar glaze was crunchy against the soft warm dough of the pastry. “Well hey, if you don’t appreciate my pastries...” Yoongi tried to snatch the half eaten treat from you but you hurriedly shoved it into your mouth as you glared him down.
The door suddenly jingled, catching all of your attention only to see the bright smile of only the most genuine and sweet person you had ever met, much to your surprise a more bashful person was being dragged behind him, “Hey Y/n! Kook, Yoongi!” Hoseok waved happily as he bounced up to the counter, Namjoon rubbing his neck as he gave you a somewhat sheepish smile before hurriedly looking at the menu.
“Lemme get a caramel macchiato with a carrot cake bomb and...oh! Are those fresh sugar glazed pastries…!” Hoseok’s eyes practically sparkled as Yoongi cleared his throat, ears looking somewhat pink.
“Fresh out of the oven…” He mumbled causing Jungkook to snort- as if he was any better around guys or girls for that matter. You found it all amusing as you already began working on the macchiato.
“And Namjoon?” You turned to glance at him as he perked at the sound of his name, he glanced up at the menu as he hummed.
“Could I try the mystic mountain tea? It sounds really good…Oh, with a chocolate stuffed croissant.” Namjoon answered as Jungkook rang them up, Hoseok’s attention was solely on Yoongi and you could tell he was excited by the way his voice became all fluttery. Yoongi rarely ever left the back room where all the baking was done.
“It is,” Your back was turned from Namjoon as you spoke, “It’s made with mint, pine needles and chamomile but we use cane sugar with it to give it a nice sweet flavor. It’s one of my favorites.” You smiled as you turned to face him, setting down the macchiato as you grabbed another cup. Namjoon’s smile seemed automatic, his somewhat slouched figure before straightening and it seemed as if he didn’t even realize it.
“Oh so you like gardening and tea?” He playfully quipped, rolling your eyes you turned to face the brewer again as you felt a smile tug on your lips, “You seem like a woman of many weird talents.”
Pouring the hot water into the cup you set it down as you glanced over your shoulder, “Says the one that’s struggling to keep his Bonsai tree alive.”
“Hey!” Namjoon’s brows pressed together and his dimples popped out making you laugh, “It’s not my fault it’s petty and sensitive to literally everything.” You waved a dismissive hand as you walked to the door to the back, intending to get the jar of tea leaves that somehow made their way back there, “Keep telling yourself that.”
Your figure disappeared as Jungkook tilted his head, a mischievous smile on his lips as he hummed, glancing between the door and Namjoon’s lopsided smile as he commented, “You know, that’s the first I think I’ve seen her smile in the past two months.”
Namjoon glanced at him as he frowned, “What...do you mean?” He asked carefully, his thoughts going back to last night, your eyes bloodshot and tears staining your cheeks, he would be lying if he said he wasn’t curious. But a part of him was worried at the way you seemed so melancholy. He could see it in your eyes with every interaction he had. They always seemed so sad. Namjoon was happy, grateful even though he had gotten a few glimpses at what your smile looked like happy, bright, beautiful even…
Jungkook shrugged, not answering as you reappeared, opening the door with tea leave jar in hand as you scooped the leaves up into a metal steeper, “Alright this should be done in a few minutes.” Jungkook had meanwhile set out their pastries but it seemed like Hoseok had Yoongi trapped, his ears were pink and he looked ready to crawl back into his little hole once more.
“So you’re coming tonight, right Yoongi?” Hoseok flashed a bright charming smile at the brooding male who shifted away from him, “It’ll be a lot of fun, Jungkook is going.” To which Jungkook enthusiastically nodded.
“...I need to go check on my pastry puffs.” Yoongi mumbled, his cheeks bright pink as he hurried back into the kitchen as you snorted, an amused smile tugging on your lips as the doors rocked back and forth.
Hoseok’s lips tugging into a pout as he sighed, “Do you think he hates me?” He shoved the pastry into his mouth as he glanced at his plate depressively.
“Uh no, he’s just a panicked gay,” Jungkook clacked his tongue, “I wouldn’t take it personal. If I can’t get miss broody here to go I’ll make sure he does.” Jungkook wrapped an arm around you as you glared at him, making a cheeky smile tug on his lips.
“You won’t go Y/n?” Hoseok shot you puppy eyes as you sighed. Hoseok was a regular at the cafe and chummy with just about everyone, if he was a sim character you just knew for a fact he’d be a friend to the world trait to a T.
He had been coming here for the past month straight which made you wonder if Hoseok was the one who recommended Namjoon come here.
You shook your head, offering a weak, tired smile as you shrugged, “Not my cup of tea. Speaking of.” You whirled around, pulling the steeper out of the cup before dropping in three sugar cubes before popping on the lid, “Here you go.” You handed it over to Namjoon who looked excited to try, something subtle yet innocent in his expression as he poked his straw through and gave it a sip.
“You were right! No wonder it’s your favorite, it’s delicious.” Namjoon complimented, something about his sincere tone of voice, or maybe it was those stupid dimples of his. Whatever it was your lips tugged into a smile and yet, you felt...bashful? Lowering your gaze a little as you rubbed the back of your neck.
“You should try the lavender dream next time if you really like tea, it’s another good one.” You offered meekly, suddenly feeling a little timid under his gaze as you fumbled with your apron. A sudden well of feelings dowsing you. Insecurity, guilt, shame. Why did you feel so bashful in front of Namjoon...how could you when...When Taehyung…
It felt like a stab in your heart as you inhaled sharply, “I-I should go check stock real quick for pastries.” You mumbled, leaving all three boys dumbfound. Entering the back you grabbed your head as you felt your hands tremble.
Guilt
Guilt
Guilt
Guilt
How could you betray Taehyung like this?
You shouldn’t feel this way.
You don’t deserve to.
Taehyung would’ve never done this to you.
How could you do this to him?
Your heart was beating frantically as your hands trembled as tears began to trickle down your face, “Hey, hey, hey.” Yoongi’s voice felt far away as your breathing became quick, thoughts racing and your hands shaking.
Unworthy
Unworthy
Unworthy
How dare you ever think about replacing Taehyung.
“Yoongi said you had a panic attack.”
You felt like a child being scolded, wrapped in three different blankets and four pillows surrounding you while you sat on the couch in front of Jimin who frowned in disappointment. Of course he was disappointed.
“It wasn’t that bad…” You mumbled, glancing down as you tugged the blanket around you further making Jimin sigh, sitting down next to you as he pulled you close.
“Why do you always lie?” He asked quietly as you curled against him, letting your head rest against his shoulder, the kdrama you both had been watching long forgotten. When you woke up you were home, comfortable and warm. And for a half a second, you thought maybe it was Taehyung who you were laying against. Much to your heartache it was Jimin when you opened your eyes.
You had been expecting this conversation for the past hour, and lo and behold, here you were, “It’s easier.” You mumbled, eyes beginning to blur as you scoffed a bitter smile, “I’m so pathetic, I can’t even face my own feelings. It’s just easier to keep it to myself.”
Jimin’s grip tightened around you and even though you couldn't see him you knew he was frowning, “But that isn’t healthy Y/n, you know it just as well as I do. I worry about you, everyone does. You aren’t a burden to anyone. It hurts watching you go through this alone when we all want is to help.”
And here it was the tears dripping down your cheeks as you shook your head, a weak sob escaping your lips as you mumbled, “If I talk about it, that means I have to accept he’s gone.” You choked out, “And I can’t do that Jimin. I can’t.” You sobbed as you glanced up at him, tears streaming down your face as you pleaded, “I can’t.” Almost a whole year and you were still in denial just as much as you were when you first got the phone call.
You were still just as devastated as you sobbed into his shoulder, his arms wrapped tight around you as he stroked your hair. It seemed like everyone had moved on by now. Taehyung was just a name in the past. A ghost you couldn’t let go of. Jimin was the bridge between you both, he was the reason you had met Taehyung at all, this man was like a brother to him. But even the pain for him had lessened with time.
“I miss him too Y/n. I do. But you’re going to have to let him go,” You rapidly shook your head, your breath becoming uneven as sobs escaped you, tears staining his shirt as he murmured gently, “Taehyung wouldn’t want you to be like this.” Tears couldn’t stop pouring from your eyes, you knew he was right. But you couldn’t let him go, not yet. Just a little longer. Just a little longer.
Taehyung was a ghost and you were desperately clinging to every remnant you had left of him. This man was the love of your life, your soulmate, you needed him. You needed him. How were you supposed to move on with your life when you had to live with the knowledge of what could’ve been. Your body violently trembled as you drown yourself in tears next to Jimin who was always so strong.
The only time you ever saw him lose it was when you bursted into the hallway in the hospital, his eyes were bloodshot and all it took was one exchanged look before a dam was released in his eyes. Maybe he had numbed himself to the pain, it was difficult to tell. Jimin let his nose bury into your hair as he inhaled softly, tenderly stroking your hair in the same way Taehyung always would in these moments.
‘Baby, hey…Shhh…Come on don’t cry. What’s going on?” You shook your head rapidly as you tugged away from Taehyung’s grip, his hands keeping you in place and his face twisted into worry before he cupped your cheeks, “Sweetheart.” He pressed his forehead against yours.
“i-I-It’s stupid…” You whimpered as you closed your eyes, shaking your head as he pressed a kiss against your nose encouragingly, sucking in a harsh breath you sobbed out, “I-I overheard your conversation with Hyuna.”
Taehyung immediately frowned as he sighed softly, his thumbs soothingly rubbing your cheeks as he mumbled, “Baby don’t listen to her. She’s just a jealous old ex.”
“She’s right.” You laughed bitterly as you refused to look at him, “I don’t deserve to be with somebody like you-”
“Hey.” Taehyung’s voice was stern, his hands making you look at him as he pressed his forehead back against yours as he mumbled, “Don’t you ever say that about yourself, okay? I love you Y/n, you’re my girl okay? I would never take anyone else over you.” You closed your eyes as your lips trembled, his lips soothingly pressing against yours as his thumbs stroked your cheekbones.
It was a gentle kiss, your favorite as you complied, chasing his lips as he tried to pull back, making him chuckle against your mouth as he pressed multiple little kisses on your lips before breaking away making you whine with a sniffle, “Come on baby, let’s go get you some noodles, I’m sure it’ll make you feel better.” He gave you a warm smile as he brushed your tears away.
Smiling you giggled a little as you wrapped your arms around his waist, hugging him tight as you mumbled, “What would I ever do without you?”
“Crash and burn probably.” Taehyung joked with that adorable boxy smile of his as you smacked his arm, leaning on your tiptoes as you puckered your lips. Tutting he leaned down pressing one more chaste kiss on your lips.
Crash and burn, you wanted to laugh, he wasn’t wrong. He never was.
Jimin had eventually gotten you to calm down, a cup of hot chocolate in your hands and your legs over his lap, still curled close, but enough away to keep your grip on your warm drink, “How has work been, hm?” Jimin asked, brushing a few strands of hair out of your face as you sighed.
Shrugging a little you sipped the sweet liquid as you mumbled, “Same as always. Met one of Hoseok’s friends recently, he seems...interesting.” You rubbed your forehead, trying not to think about what happened earlier that day.
“Oh? Well it’s good you’re making new friends. Maybe he’ll be good for you.” Jimin smiled, patting your head as you tried to swat it, “Friends always come into your life when you need them the most.”
You didn’t comment on that, choosing to drink your hot chocolate as you glanced at the TV. Maybe he was right, maybe he was wrong. You didn’t know, but you needed to be careful around Namjoon. If anything you knew that as sure as day.
You kept mainly in your thoughts the rest of the evening but Jimin kept you company the whole time, stroking your hair calmly while watching kdramas together. For the first time, you fell asleep easier tonight then you had in the last eight months.
——
You sharply inhaled as you clenched your fists, you were going to do this…! You could do this. You glanced up at the art museum in determination before stepping up the stone stairs towards the entrance doors. It was crowded today and usually you liked shying away from large crowds. But he never cared, always tugging you along with encouragement and laughter, somehow, he always made it so much fun.
Today a Degas exhibit was in town, the one Taehyung had been so excited about seeing, you still vividly remembered his bouncing figure as he shoved the flyer in your face. Your hands trembled as you opened the door. You wanted to see it today, for him. Clutching the Polaroid camera in hand tightly as your fingers traced against its smooth surface. He loved using this damn thing every chance he got.
He’d take at least a dozen photos of all the art pieces, even going as far as to shove the camera in your hands to pose in that dumb artsy way he always did. You felt the distinct smile tug on your lips imaging that brown burette on his head and those dark raven locks. Boxy smile reflecting back at you as he grabbed your hand tugging you along while spouting off random knowledge about whatever you were looking at.
You paused for a second, looking beside you as you felt a well in your throat at the sight of the crowd instead of your someone beside you. Closing your eyes you swallowed thickly as you forced yourself to breathe, trying to compose yourself.
With determination you walked up to the counter, purchasing a ticket to the exhibit before making your way down the massive lobby, artwork displayed on either sides of the walls and your shoes echoing against the smooth glossy floor. The exhibit was packed as expected but you stopped at each painting, letting your eyes draw over the dreamy muted yet colorful painting.
The Dancer On Pointe was the one Taehyung was looking forward to the most. Ignoring the ‘No Pictures’ sign you lifted up the polaroid camera, clicking it as the photo began to develop. Giving the photo a wave you smiled as you glanced at it. This was perfect.��
Putting the camera and photo into your bag you made your way through the exhibit.
You looked at every painting intensively, hoping maybe the lense of your old lover would bless your vision and you’d be able to see it in the way he once showed you every single time. But to no avail, paintings were just paint, colors were just pigment. The magic was no longer there. Sighing you turned away from the paintings displayed beautifully, intending to leave before you smacked into someone, “Ah!”
“Oh I’m sorry!” The voice which had become all too familiar grabbed ahold of you to steady you as you glanced up to meet the eyes of Kim Namjoon, round specs between you and his gaze as he pushed them up against his nose, lips parting before twisting into a brilliant smile, “Y/n! Sorry I didn’t see you there!”
“O-oh...Hey.” You stepped away from him awkwardly, your gaze lowering as you tugged on a strand of hair, your heart beating faster but you could hardly tell if it was from anxiety or something else. You had been…you didn’t want to say you had been avoiding Namjoon but, he made you feel weird. In a way you weren’t sure you liked and you couldn’t even fully describe it.
“I didn’t know you liked going to the art museum! It’s nice seeing you here, I’ve missed you at work-” Namjoon suddenly coughed, immediately glancing away as he fumbled, “Not-uh- not miss, miss you but...you know…” He looked awkward and his eyes widened as he refused to look at you as if you’d turn him to stone if he did.
You snorted, unable to keep the smile off your face as you replied lowly, “No I get it, just bad timing,” Or you purposely scrambled into the back leaving Jungkook on his own everytime you caught sight of Namjoon opening the cafe door, “But uh, I’m...not actually a fan of going here.” You shrugged as you glanced down at your feet.
“Oh?” He tilted his head in curiosity, “Then...can I ask why you’re here? Or did you just wanna bump into me?” There was something...light -playful- in Namjoon’s voice as he flashed those dimples at you.
You kept your expression reserved this time making his smile dim a little as you glanced back at the painting, “I just came...for someone who couldn’t…” Your expression casted more gloomy this time as you wrapped your arms around yourself, looking back at Namjoon who seemed somewhat confused at your cryptic words, “I’ve never been a big art person.” You offered a weak smile.
“Well,” Namjoon hummed, giving you a small smile in return, “I hope that someone was able to enjoy your visit for them.” Your heart clenched as you glanced at his shoes, timberlands that blurred in your vision as you gave a bittersweet smile.
“Yeah…” You nodded as you glanced up at Namjoon, a frown immediately on his face at your glassy eyes and sad smile as you nodded, “He did.” You hadn’t even said his name and yet sadness had swept through your whole body like an ache you’d never cure. The longing you had for your soulmate who was gone, who you’d never wake up beside, who would never hold your hand again, who’s smile you’d never see as he pointed out all of his favorite paintings.
But Taehyung would be proud of you, wouldn’t he? Perhaps, if there was an afterlife, he would be an angel that was smiling while looking down upon you.
“Y/n…” You felt your lurch in your throat, as if it felt physically difficult to speak as Namjoon called your name softly, tufts of warm brown hair falling against his eyebrows as he asked with sincerity, “Do you wanna get lunch together? I know a great artisan cafe nearby.”
It was silent between you both for what felt like an eternity in nothing but a short second as you glanced back at the painting, and for a brief moment your eyes caught onto a sight of raven shaggy hair and an oversized brown cardigan. It looked all too familiar and your heart fluttered for just a brief moment until he turned around, not the face of your lover, but a stranger who embraced his girlfriend with a laugh.
Sighing, you turned to face Namjoon as you offered a weak smile, “No thank you, I actually have somewhere I’m supposed to be.” You couldn’t bear to look at him any longer, rather you chose to step aside and brush past him, feeling a melancholy gaze against your back but you refused to turn around.
Not when your heart ached and you felt so tired.
Stopping by the quaint little flowershop you had picked out a small bouquet of tiger lilies, his favorite, he used to love decorating the apartment to the brim with them, walking out of the shop you took a shaky breath of the cool air.
The evening sky was brilliant, Taehyung often remarked it was like God personally painted the sky every evening, always different from the previous day but just as beautiful in it’s own right. Your feet felt heavy on the pavement as you sighed, stopping at the arched gateway, glancing to your right where the sunset was shielded by the silhouettes of willow tree’s that gently swayed in a slow dance with the wind.
Stepping through you weave your way around the grassy corridors of walkways before you were near the middle of the cemetery, pausing in front of the gravestone where wilted flowers laid and dirt from the lawn mower had sputtered up against.
Kneeling down you gently wiped off the stone as your fingers gently traced the name of your lover, “I went to the art museum today,” Your eyes were already blurry as you smiled endearingly at Taehyung’s name printed on the stone, setting down the blossom of tiger lilies as you crossed your legs, “To go see that Degas exhibit we had made plans to see last Autumn. Ha…” You let out a short laugh as tears trickled down your face, “Do you remember when we got the catalogue in the mail? You knocked over your mug of coffee and it stained over half the pages,” You tried to keep your voice steady as a sob escaped you, rubbing your eyes as you gave a broken laugh, “You freaked out about it because it was hard to make out the dates but I told you to calm down and looked up the dates on the website.”
You wiped your face with your arms as you opened your bag up, grabbing the polaroid as more tears immediately dripped down your cheeks, “Here! Don’t you like it?” You asked as you set down the photo with the flowers, smiling despite the tears that welled in your eyes, “I know it’s your favorite, you wouldn’t stop gushing about it when you first saw the exhibit advertisement.”
It was quiet for a moment as you lowered your gaze, a whimper escaping you at the expected silence, tears dripping down your chin and splattering onto your hand as you sobbed, “Please come back.”
Your breath was trembling and desperate as you grabbed the gravestone, pressing your forehead against it as you tried to vividly imagine it was your lovers warm skin as your tears dampened the stone, “Please come back to me Taehyung. Don’t leave me alone. Please.”
Alone, you cried in the cemetery where your lover would permanently stay asleep.
“Just think about it Noona!” Jungkook whined as he grabbed your arm making you sigh as you turned to face him, “It’s a camping trip! We’ll be in nature, maybe you’ll feel better! I get worried about you sometimes.”
That wasn’t fair!
You crossed your arms as you sighed again, looking away from him as you felt guilty, not wanting to worry anyone but, you just needed time to yourself. You didn’t know when it would go away, if ever, but you just wanted to be by yourself. Alone were you could mourn in peace, where your heart could ache and tears could fill your eyes with zero shame.
Everyday that you spent ever since had become more and more painful. The ache became that much harder to deal, “Jungkook...you know I don’t like camping…” You mumbled as you turned away from him, rearranging some of the tea canisters to look busy.
“But you love gardening!” Jungkook whined again, fluttering beside you with those sweet doe eyes of his that always seemed to get you.
“There’ll be a log cabin,” Yoongi added as he appeared from the kitchen, setting down a fresh platter of bakery goods, “So it really isn’t camping, unless you’re gonna be Jungkook and set up a tent anyways.”
Jungkook flailed his hands as he glared at his elder, “What’s the point in calling it a camping trip if we aren’t going to camp?” Always the stubborn and hardheaded person he was, Jungkook insisted on his words as he crossed his arms with that pouty expression of his.
“Nobody called it a camping trip except you.” Yoongi turned to face him deadpan, Jungkook’s lips parted several times before defeatingly closing them as Yoongi snorted, “Yeah, exactly. Anyways, you should go. Shop is going to be closed anyways since Bang is going out of town to visit his parents. Unless you really wanna sulk in your apartment all week…” He shrugged as you sharply inhaled.
“I’ll think about it…” Jungkook immediately jumped, wrapping his arms around you as he smushed you against him making you squirm, “Thank you Noona! You’ll camp with me right?” He bounced in excitement as you pushed him away from you. Jungkook always had a lack of boundaries especially when he got excited.
“No.” You replied promptly as you turned around making him cross his arms with a humph, “Be happy I’m at least considering, you ungrateful brat.” To which Jungkook smiled cheekily. Sighing you leaned against the counter top with a hum. Maybe this would be good for you. You knew if Taehyung was here he’d be thrilled to go, immediately begging you to go with him and even saying he refused to go without you. You could never deprive him of something he loved and enjoyed.
Maybe...just maybe…
The doors just as always at twelve thirty rang as you all glanced up to see the embodiment of the sun wave and his moon beside him who was always more reserved, “Hey! You guys are going on the trip up to the cabin right?” Hoseok bounced up to the register as he set his hands up on it and leaned forward.
“Yes and we’re camping!” Jungkook wrapped an arm around your neck, squeezing it causing you to gag as you jammed your elbow into his stomach causing him to grunt before whining.
“No we are not!” You whipped around as you glared at him, your lips tugging into a pout of your own as you glared at the younger boy who stubbornly crossed his arms once more.
“Oh you’re going Y/n?” Hoseok clapped his hands in excitement as you glanced at the two men, instinctively lowering your gaze a little when you felt Namjoon’s eyes on you. They seemed sadder than normal.
Which wasn’t normal at all. Namjoon was- he always smiled, so why didn’t he today when your eyes met his?
“I might,” You admitted reluctantly, “I need to think it over.” Was he still thinking about your rejection at the art museum? Or your cryptic and weird words? Did he assume you were just a sad freak. A part of you desperately wondered why you didn’t see those sweet dimples today.
“Well don’t take too long,” Hoseok winked playfully as he grinned brightly, “We’re leaving Friday and we sure could use the company. Right Namjoon?” He elbowed the quiet man a little causing him to jolt before harshly glaring at Hoseok who seemed like a little boy who had a secret he was dying to tell.
Namjoon glanced back at you as he mustered a weak smile, but you could see in his eyes they weren’t glowing like they were before, “Of course we’d like you to come. But don’t feel pressured.” You nodded as you glanced back at the counter top. Unable to bear his gaze anymore. Trying not to overthink why he seemed so melancholy today.
Or perhaps he was always like this and your head had just played tricks on you? No...No you could remember Namjoon’s smile as clear as day, it was bright and lovely, his eyes glowed not like the sun- not burning and harsh- but like the moon, soft and almost nostalgic as if he lived every moment of his life with gratitude and peace.
So what happened? The only thing you could recall was what had previously happened. But surely he wasn’t upset about that? After all, he shouldn’t want to deal with a heartbroken girl who only knew how to cry.
Unless....No…”Well I better go get more chocolate bombs for the holder.” You mumbled as you turned around, pushing the door to the back open as you shoved your thoughts to the back of your head. You wouldn’t let your mind go there.
----
You couldn’t help but feel like this was a mistake, no matter how crisp and fresh the air was, the lake view was gorgeous and reflection off the water made it look like diamonds trickled against its surface. The car ride was over four hours and you were grateful to be on your feet with all the greenery.
You were definitely tired, not used to being around people so long outside of work after the past year. Feeling semi lethargic you let out a yawn as you rubbed your eyes, “Aren’t you excited Noona?” Jungkook curled his fists, his nose scrunched up like a bunny as he grinned like a child, “I told you it would be pretty here!”
You were tired, definitely, but you mustered a smile, a small one as you replied, “Yeah...it is.” You glanced back out over the lake before fixing your bag over your shoulder. Like Jungkook said, this would be good for you...hopefully...The cabin was fairly big and everyone, even you helped pitched in the rent for it for the next two days. Jimin was excited for you, telling you to try and enjoy yourself and if all else failed he’d come and pick you up.
You would certainly try your best to not let that happen though, of course Jimin would be willing to drive eight hours for you on a work day. Everyone was still outside, you could hear shouts and laughter, water splashing as you stepped inside the cabin.
It was warm and cozy, buried in neutrals and warm colors, blankets piled on the couch that sat in front of the fireplace. Walking around you examined each room before smiling a little, choosing the one that had a lake view, Taehyung would certainly love it. Pulling the polaroid camera out of your bag you lifted it up before taking a photo of the window. You’d make sure to bring it to show him when you came back home.
“I didn’t take you for polaroids.”
You jumped as your gaze snapped to the person who seemed to become all too familiar with you the past month now. Pulling the photograph out of the dispenser you gave it a little wave as silence sat between you both, “I’m not.” You mumbled as you carefully set the camera back in your bag, your thumbs edging the sharp stiff ends of the photo.
“Y/n,” You didn’t look up at him despite his voice sounding soft, feet gently padding against the floor and he was surely right behind you now, Namjoon’s voice soft, maybe even a little sad as he murmured, “Why do you always seem so sad when I ask?”
Letting your fingers trace against the photocard you let a small melancholy smile tug on your lips, “Because,” Your eyes blurred a little and your throat felt tight as you mumbled, “These things I do, going to art museums, taking polaroids, I do them because,” You turned to face Namjoon as a tear slid down your cheek, “He loved it. Even if I never did. I do it for him..”
Namjoon’s expression had hardened a little, he seemed lost, maybe even angry, maybe he was tired of constantly seeing tears in your eyes, he bowed his head a little, eyes seeming somewhat broody as he muttered, “I see…I’ll leave you to it, I guess…”
You weren’t sure why your heart clenched at the way his face seemed so forlorn, broody as he turned on his heels. Your throat squeezing and his name never reached your lips like you instinctively wanted too.
You thought that, maybe when he left you’d feel better, more at peace. But that broody expression haunted you as you sat up in the window seal loft, letting your knee’s curl against your chest as a dull ache came from your heart.
This ache was different, it wasn’t like the one you had anytime you thought of your soulmate. This was...different. New. Like something was wilted but still had a chance. Your chest felt heavy and your mind was telling you to go after Namjoon, to get him to smile and clear up whatever misunderstanding there was. You didn’t understand either, truthfully, what did you say to make him look like that?
You had opened yourself up and told him a little and he...he acted gloomy, as if life was sucked from his body. You didn’t understand but...but you’d like too...Watching everyone splash and muffled screams from the window you let your head press against the glass as you sighed. Closing your eyes, even in the crowdest places you always felt so lonely.
-----
It was a full moon out tonight, glossy and incandescent to anything you had ever seen. Oftentimes when you felt lonely Taehyung used to always tell you, ‘Just look at the moon whenever you feel lonely. Someone at that exact moment is looking at it as well. You’re never truly alone’
It always made you feel better, even now. Someone was probably looking at this same moon as you right now and you couldn’t help but wonder. What were they thinking? Was there a reason they were admiring such a beautiful sight as the sky? Carefully you slipped on your shoes, curling the cardigan around your body as you opened the main door of the cabin before walking outside.
Grassing brushing softly against your feet and crickets cooed with the rustle of trees and cool air, it was a little humid out but not hot enough to make you want to shed your cozy layer. Walking down the path you glanced up at the sky were the stars speckled across the deep midnight blue horizon.
You paused on your walk when you noticed a little wooden bridge, it wasn’t the cute sight itself but the person who stood on it, “Namjoon?” You called out softly to the man who was leaning over the railing, observing the moon that sat in the painted sky. He jolted before whipping around as you approached slowly.
“Y/n…?” He seemed surprised, of course he was, it was only two in the morning after all. You were supposed to be the only one out here right here, trying to clear your head, let go of what your heart didn’t want too.
Wrapping your arms around yourself you stepped onto the bridge as you murmured softly, “May I join you?” It was hard making out his facial expressions in the moonlight, but you thought maybe you saw hesitation on his face for a brief moment.
“Of course,” Even in the dark you could spot those pretty dimples, leaning back against the railing he hummed, “You’re always a pleasant company to have.” For some reason, his words took you off guard. They seemed...sincere, yet, distant perhaps? They seemed odd given the last time you had spoken.
You let your arms rest against the railing beside him, crickets sounding and the water gently lapped, even in the dark though the moonlight reflected against the water making it sparkle with assorted gems. It was quiet between you both yet the pressure in your chest swelled, the sudden need to apologize for earlier today. You weren’t sure why it felt imperative to do so. Or as if it was even necessary.
“I’m sorry if I said something wrong earlier-” “I’m sorry about what I said earlier-”
It seemed you were not the only one to have an apology on your mind. Both you and Namjoon had bursted at the same time before pausing, tripping over one anothers words before you stopped altogether. Glancing at him briefly before you both began to laugh softly.
“I’m sorry- uh you can go first!” You squeaked, glancing away from him as you looked back out over the water, letting your body lean against the old wooden grooves that scraped lightly against your skin.
Namjoon was silent for a moment before he replied, somewhat quiet, maybe even shy? “Well…” He drawled, “I just...wanted to apologize about earlier. My words were unnecessary and I shouldn’t have asked you such a personal question. You have every right to feel the way you do and it wasn’t my place to ask something like that.”
It was silent for another moment before you let your eyes flit to Namjoon’s figure, you could make out the silhouette of his face which seemed almost forlorn, in deep thought as he looked out over the moon, “Oh…” You mumbled, as you glanced back at your hands, fingers tracing the dry harsh groove of the wooden railing, “Well...I just wanted to say I’m sorry for…” You paused for a moment, what were you apologising for? “...being me I guess.”
You didn’t mean for it to sound depressing, but you supposed it was the truth, you felt like you had become nothing but a shell of a person since what had happened. Like you had become closed off, difficult to get to know, moody, temperamental. It was no wonder Namjoon was so fed up with your constant switch in behavior, “I know I’m...me...but...thank you for tolerating it. It’s nice having someone outside of my friends to talk to.”
“Don’t apologize for that.” Your gaze jumped to Namjoon, a little startled at how stern his voice was, you couldn’t necessarily see him but you could feel his sharp, judgmental gaze on your figure, “I’m sure you have your reasons. And truthfully, like I said. I just… had clouded judgment,” Namjoon murmured cryptically, “I let my emotions get in the way when I talked to you earlier today. I’m more than happy to be your friend Y/n! You aren’t a burden or something I’m just tolerating, I talk to you because I like you.”
You felt better but....something still felt withered inside you...you mustered a smile as you shrugged, “I guess so...I know I’m not always responsive sometimes...but...if we’re okay then let’s not talk about what happened anymore! What are you doing out here so late?” You didn’t want to dwell on what happened, it made you feel icky and gross inside even after clearing things up with Namjoon, you still didn’t understand why it wouldn’t go away.
Namjoon laughed a little as he shrugged, “To think, I’ve always been a bit of a moon child honestly. Looking up at the sky always helps me clear my head. I should be asking you what you’re doing out this late.”
You rubbed the back of your neck bashfully as you shrugged, “I couldn’t sleep tonight, I like going out on walks, get out of my room, my head.” You glanced down at the rippling water, a frown on your face as you held in a sigh. Truthfully, you couldn’t sleep because Namjoon’s expression kept playing in your head. The way he seemed so distant and cold earlier, it bothered you to no end yet you didn’t understand why.
So you came out here to look at the moon in the open, feel the warm air on your skin and maybe you’d find whatever you were looking for. It seemed, what you had been looking for was Namjoon, and of course there he was, on this bridge. You didn’t know what this meant or what to take away from it. But you were happy you found him regardless.
“I can understand that,” Namjoon chuckled softly, his expression soft as he glanced up at the night sky, gaze still somewhat muted compared to before but...it still seemed sad, maybe the kind of sad where you just accept a situation for what it was, “Well, at least the moon brought us together.”
His gaze met yours as you mirrored his smile, a little bashful as you rubbed your cheek, looking out over the rippling water as you mumbled, “I guess it did…” Letting your chin rest against your arms as you stretched out your back. There was something… oddly comforting about Namjoon’s presence? You weren’t sure, but you liked it…
You really liked it.
“Have you ever considered that Plato was just on drugs the whole time he was writing?” You slurped on your noodles as you glanced up to meet Namjoon’s exasperated expression making you smile as you snorted.
“Dualism?”
“Drugs. Who the fuck thinks about the mind and body being seperated in like 11 AD?” You snorted again as Namjoon groaned, sinking into his seat. He had been trying to talk about his latest readings to you and you had been...not making fun of it! Just...making the conversation interesting, “No seriously, didn’t they burn women back then for just knowing how to read? It just seems so...primitive for philosophy to be introduced so early in time with all things considering back then….”
Namjoon rubbed his face as he sighed, unable to resist the smile that tugged on his lips as he clacked his tongue, “Alright fair enough, what do you suggest we talk about then if you refuse to talk philosophy.”
You puckered your lips, holding your chopsticks animately as you replied, “We could talk about how corrupt the patriarchy was throughout time and how men used religion as a way to justify the oppression of women and slavery?”
You snorted at the way Namjoon, for the first time in your friendship seemed speechless, perhaps impressed, or simply just stunned before he sighed with a shrug, “Alright fine, but first of all some women actually did have some say in different cultures. But it had a lot more to do with classism then gender. Take a look at the Spartans as examples.”
You held up a finger as you replied, “Except the only reason women received burials was because they gave birth to Spartans? I mean A for effort I guess,” You rolled your eyes, “But that doesn’t change the fact that women were only honored for giving birth to men, still seems like a convoluted way of saying women weren’t worth even burials unless they were of some use to men.”
Namjoon hummed as he rubbed his chin, “Fair point, really I think because-”
“Well look who it is!”
Both you and Namjoon jumped at the sound of a chipper loud voice, your lips twisted into a mild frown at the sight of Jungkook and Hoseok’s shit eating grins, without invitation immediately plopping down in the booth, Jungkook sitting beside you and Hoseok mirroring him, “So what are you two doing on this fine day?”
There was something in Jungkook’s tone that made you shift awkwardly, why did he sound like you both were up to something when you weren’t, rubbing the back of your neck you mumbled, somewhat reluctantly, “Well we were just having lunch…?”
“Oh, you mean like-” Hoseok suddenly grunted in pain, Namjoon harshly elbowing him as he cut his eyes at his best friend. You glanced between the both of them, it seemed like they were having a conversation by only facial expressions before Namjoon spoke up, “We were just talking about the oppression of women through history. Thoughts?”
Both Hoseok and Jungkook wrinkled their noses, never ones to get involved in these kinds of discussions no matter how true they may be. Rather than talk about that, it seemed they had come over to, what? Stir the pot?
“Nah,” Jungkook attempted to wrap an arm around your neck as you shoved him away, a grin on his face as he hummed, “I just haven’t seen Noona getting out as of late, it’s good to see you both together.” Now you were feeling weird. Rubbing the back of your neck you looked away from all of them, well aware of your expression becoming flatter by the moment.
Namjoon was beginning to look apprehensive as well as he coughed, “Uh, well, we were just eating…?” He seemed somewhat sheepish and even if it was unsaid you could tell he was trying to make it clear this wasn’t a date...Right? You had paused mentally for a moment, but...this did kind of seem like a date…
No, friends could hang out! You nodded to yourself silently, Namjoon was a friend and you needed friends, and in order to make friends you had to hang out! And even so, it wasn’t like Namjoon was interested in you and...you...you....a lump in your throat formed as you pucker your lips on your cup. No you weren’t gonna go there.
“Right…!” Hoseok gave a bright yet odd smile as him and Jungkook shared a laugh, as if they knew something you didn’t, “Well, we’ll just ah...let you two get back to it.” He winked as Jungkook wiggled a brow at you before they both got up.
You felt confusion wash over you as you watched them both walk away, frowning a little as you sank back in your seat, “That was weird.” Were the first words that tumbled out of your lips. On one hand you wanted to ask why they were acting like that but...wasn’t it obvious…?
Namjoon offered a weak smile as he rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah…” His reply was hardly a murmur though as he looked down at his pork bulgogi looking not nearly as hungry as he proclaimed he was twenty minutes ago.
The rest of your lunch had become...stale...no matter how hard you or Namjoon tried the air of what had happened with Hoseok and Jungkook lingered and continued to pester the back of your head. What were they trying to insinuate? That it was a date? Because it wasn’t…! You weren’t…! You could feel frustration tug inside your subconscious but you didn’t understand why.
Namjoon and you were currently walking on the sidewalk, namely back to your apartment which just so happened to be on the same path as one of Namjoon’s acqtuance’s house where he had promised he would help them study. The weather was nice today, the wind was blowing a cool breeze and the sun was warm on your skin. On harder days you often tried to sunbathe, to soak in it’s rays and feel it’s warmth. You had read somewhere that if you soaked up enough warmth that it would manifest into positivity.
Or maybe that was just something you made up to make yourself feel better? On dimmer days you like grounding yourself in your five senses, even if they seemed dull and void. Today was not a bad day though. Not for the weather and neither for you. In fact, it was perfect. The air was fresh and you could smell the lavender bushes on the sidewalk that had been planted waft with each blow of breeze.
“I’m really sorry for what happened.” You opened your eyes as you paused, looking at Namjoon who walked beside you, his cheeks looked a little red and he wouldn’t meet your gaze as you tilted your head, unsure of what there was to be sorry for. His gaze flicked to yours, seeing your confusion before immediately following up, “About Hoseok and Jungkook...ah…” He gave a somewhat weak smile as he looked away, hesitation in his eyes, “It feels like they made things weird…”
“No..!” You immediately shook your head, not wanting to make him feel worse by admitting they really did make you feel odd, but you were positive that was your own self projection, after all you had that tendency with Namjoon since you first met… “It’s fine, you don’t need to apologize.” You offered a soft smile as you began to walk again, Namjoon following along said to you as you continued, “It was weird yeah, but, I mean we’re still friends so…” Pausing in front of the entrance of your apartment complex you shrugged as you smiled, “Don’t worry about it! They’re just being dumb. Anyways, i’ll see you later.”
You offered one last smile before heading into your apartment, Namjoon deflating somewhat as he sighed, watching you walk away once again as he rubbed the back of his neck, kicking a small pebble that had surfaced from the pebble surface of the resident sign, “Yeah...friends…”
Namjoon decided to not linger on your words, the more he thought about it the more it stung and he didn’t want to act like a kicked puppy, you didn’t owe him anything other then your friendship he just...He sighed as he began walking to his friends home, surely he’d give good advice. After all, Seokjin was highly popular with women.
After arriving at his apartment Namjoon hadn’t intended on letting out as much as he did, but it was admittedly nice to unload all of his feelings without feeling obligated to hold back, if he told his best friend he knew Hoseok would only make things worse despite having good intentions.
“So,” Seokjin plopped the sucker into his mouth, leaning back on the bed as his eyes glazed over the textbook, “You what…? Wanna bang her? What’s the deal?”
“No!” Namjoon immediately objected before groaning as he sank back in his seat, unsure of how to explain, “I don’t just want to sleep with her…” He muttered, “I just...want to get to know her. But it feels like there's this…” He waved his hand around, “Invisible wall, like she doesn’t want me to get to know her. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to make her like this though…” He paused a moment, evaluating all of his past actions. Namjoon was positive he was a nice guy, you owed him nothing but, he had hoped maybe at least his behavior would explain why you were like this yet...He genuinely couldn’t think of anything.
Well except maybe back last month at the cabin when he had gotten cold, the memory made him wince but...you had been even worse before then...So what was it…? Namjoon felt helpless as he glanced at his elder who shrugged loosely, pulling the sucker from his mouth as he replied, “Maybe it’s just her Namjoon. Regardless she doesn’t sound interested so you shouldn’t get your hopes up.”
Namjoon paused, could it just be you…? He never actually thought about it before, always assuming he was the problem. Not that you were the problem but, “I just wish things weren’t so easy to become awkward between us.” He sighed as he flipped the page of his book.
Seokjin eyed him curiously as he hummed, “Well what do you mean? Awkward how?” Seokjin didn’t consider himself a playboy like many would dub him but he had definitely gotten around enough to at least get an idea of how women worked emotionally, when to pursue and when to back off.
Namjoon shrugged as he replied, “It’s just...weird...I can tell she starts overthinking and questioning. Like it’s difficult for her to even go out for just lunch with me. Awkward like, just the idea of being on a date with me makes her wanna bail...that kind of awkward…” He slumped in his seat, “Am I really that unlikeable?”
Seokjin snorted, curving a brow at his friend who looked rather pathetic at the moment, “I think,” Tapping his lip Seokjin hummed, “She has some stuff she’s sorting out, and it’s not you. It’s just her, I’m sure if you asked her that, she’d say the same. If you haven’t been an ass to her in any way shape or form, it sounds like she’s just working through some stuff. Sucks but hey, you won’t know if you don’t ask…”
Namjoon groaned, he knew Seokjin was right, if he’d just got the balls and asked you he was positive you’d give him an answer...well- doubt filled his mind, “I think her last boyfriend left her, or...maybe he hurt her? I don’t know.”
This perked Seokjin’s attention, straightening a little as he curved a brow, “Oh?”
Rubbing his neck he shrugged as he weakly replied, “Yeah, she mentions some guy sometimes, whenever I ask about the things she does which she doesn’t enjoy. Like that polaroid she carries around, or she sometimes goes out to museums. I don’t know.” Jealousy oozed despite Namjoon knowing he had no right to feel jealous.
Just the idea of someone hurting you deeply upset and angered him though, especially if it was to the point of you closing your heart to anyone else, Seokjin pressed his lips together, “Huh...that is kind of weird. Well…” Seokjin rose a brow as he emphasised his words while glaring Namjoon down, “Guess you’ll never know if you don’t ask.” Namjoon could only muster a groan. Asking you had to be the worst idea ever.
----
“Come on! Noona it’ll be a fun way for you to get out!” You sighed in exasperation, looking away from Jungkook’s big puppy eyes that were just begging you to go with him, it was already hard enough to get yourself out of bed by noon today just to meet up with him for lunch let alone going to a party tonight.
“Jungkook,” You pressed your lips together, trying to look at him only for him to whine as he shifted in his seat, the food court in the mall was packed today with life and energy, you had promised Jungkook you’d help him shop for more dressy clothes today as he was...attempting to pursue someone. Whoever that may be as he was too shy to say, “You know I’m not into parties…”
“Just this once!” Jungkook begged as he laced his fingers together, sitting up in his seat with his lips jutted into a pitiful pout, “I’ll stay with you the whole time Noona! I think it’ll be fun! And if it isn’t we can go home the moment you say and- and I’ll buy you some kimbap and we can watch a movie of your choice!”
He drove a hard bargain, you sighed as you sunk into your seat, crossing your arms in thought, you supposed...there couldn’t be any harm in going…? You pressed your lips together as you closed your eyes briefly, just thinking about this made you exhausted but you knew Jimin would be ecstatic if you had went out tonight, he had been encouraging you to get out more and….”Okay let’s say, I went to this party...who would be there?”
Jungkook’s lips parted in excitement as you cut him off, “That I know.”
His lips immediately snapped shut once more, as his eyes dropped to the table somewhat sheepishly, “Look, Noona...Think of it like this, it’s a great opportunity to meet new people! Hoseok and Namjoon will be there! You know them! And they know people you could meet too! I’ll be there for what it’s worse…” He gave a bright bunny smile as you looked away from him, “Hey! Don’t give me that look!” He cried out with another pout on his face.
Taehyung and you both never enjoyed parties, he was a social butterfly sure but he always said he hated the taste of alcohol and besides, what was the point in going out when he could just stay in with you. It felt like a bitter prick against your heart at the bitter reminder. Right, you were gonna stay in tonight, maybe cry in the shower, wear that set of pajamas that used to match with his while watching a stupid romcom he loved.
“Woah, woah, woah! Hey Y/n.”
You closed your eyes as you put your hands on your face trying to cover the tears that rolled down your cheeks, “Sorry.” You sniffed as you felt both shame and embarrassment coil inside your body, all this time and you can hardly even think about him without crying still. It’s no wonder Jungkook probably doesn’t want to hang out with you.
“Noona!” Jungkook cried out, “You have nothing to apologize for, look,” He fumbled somewhat frantically as he gathered up the trash of your left over food, “You don’t have to go, it was just a suggestion! I don’t want you to be sad though so let’s go over to the Gap and I want your opinion on these two shirts okay?”
You sniffled as you rubbed your watery eyes, a snort escaping you as you replied, “The Gap has ugly clothing Jungkook.” To which he gasped in offense as you stood up with him.
“First of all don’t judge until you see, second of all you have horrible taste Noona, no offense.” You rolled your eyes despite the tiny smile tugging on your lips as you wrapped your arms around yourself. Maybe, Jungkook was right, and after all…he said he’d take you home if you weren’t having fun...
This was an awful idea. There was no backing out of this idea once you expressed your interest to Jungkook and he dragged you from store to store because this outing was no longer about him as it was finding something new for you to wear, he had even insisted on paying for it himself.
Jungkook was no longer in sight nor on your mind as he had been talking to Hoseok last you had seen him, who was cheerifully talking to him despite the shy look on his face. Of course he had gotten your permission, not wanting to leave you by yourself, just as he promised he wouldn’t. For as much of annoying brat as he was, he was also truly a sweetheart.
“Are you okay?” Your concern however, wasn’t on Jungkook right now given you were no longer downstairs as you paused and turned towards Namjoon who looked like he was having a mid life crisis despite being twenty four and at a frat party- but you supposed being younger than twenty one at something like this could cause that.
Namjoon’s eyes darted at the closed door and his mouth felt dry, opting to nod instead as you sat down on the bed. Truthfully you had made the pack to just stick to Jungkook tonight and let him do the talking but it was by chance you bumped into Namjoon here who had also been dragged to this party by his friend- Seokjin who was apparently a frat brother at this fraternity.
It was loud and the whole place reeked of weed, whoever wasn’t locked in a haze was definitely drunk and it had been over all unpleasant.
The one saving grace you had found was Namjoon, it was too loud downstairs and with Jungkook off with Hoseok you kept getting interrupted by other people asking for him. Finally asking if Namjoon would like to go upstairs where it would be more quiet.
And here you were, “It’s nice up here.” You glanced around the semi clean room, “At least it smells like Axe.” Which wasn’t much better than marijuana but you’d take it.
Namjoon snorted as he plopped down on the bed, a humored smile on his lips as he replied, “Yeah it just smells like a middle school boys locker room.” He laid back against the bed as he stretched out, closing his eyes as he soaked in the atmosphere, today felt...different...he wasn’t sure how but, he liked it.
You seemed happy today, or at least you looked happy. And you were smiling more at work. Namjoon really liked your smile, “Hey,” He hummed as he opened his eyes and glanced at your upright figure, “Why did you come tonight? I thought you didn’t like parties?”
You gave a somewhat sheepish laugh as you shrugged, running a hand through your hair as you replied, “Ah well…” You seemed a little flustered as you glanced away from him- not wanting to admit that Jungkook had nearly cried from begging you to come because he really wanted you to at least try it just once, all in the name of getting yourself back out there, but the one leading motivate that he continuously brought up, was Namjoon, “Jungkook wanted someone to come with him. He gets worried about me occasionally.” You rolled your eyes briefly despite the small smile on your face, “Says he doesn’t want me to become a hermit.”
Namjoon’s expression softened a little, that was something else he never quite understood, were your friends just that caring…? It seemed a bit unnormal the way they always eyed you with concern despite you brushing them off, “It just shows he cares.” Namjoon offered a smile as you sighed, flopping down onto your back next to him as you glanced up at the ceiling.
“I know,” You admitted as your smile slowly formed into a frown, your gaze hardened at the dirty ceiling as your brows pinched together, “I just…” You inhaled sharply, sounding somewhat frustrated as you sighed, “I just wish they’d treat me normal sometimes...you know? It’s nice knowing everyone supports me but…” You felt a bitter smile curl on your lips, “I can always see the pity, like I’m just a kicked puppy that needs a little love…They all mean well but…”
“I can understand why you’d feel frustrated,” Namjoon spoke up, rolling over to face you, sincerity in his eyes as he spoke, “I wouldn’t want to be treated like that either. It’s hard being in a room full of people who all look at you like you’re broken when you aren’t.”
His words hit deeper then you wanted to admit, your throat suddenly feeling restricted as you glowered at the ceiling trying to blink back tears. Perhaps it was the realization that people do look at you like you're broken. Maybe you were, afterall, you weren’t the same anymore. You could barely hold a smile on your face anymore.
You suffered long nights full of dreams of torment and tears in your waking hour to numbness and wondering why life was even worth living. You had debated on the fall from your window and you had even wondered about the knives in the kitchen drawers. You felt your lips twitch into a bitter smile as you laughed, feeling tears drip down as you replied, “I’d think the same if I were them. I don’t even blame them.”
Namjoon sat up as he frowned, looking resentful at your words as you wiped your face, “Hey.” You sniffed a little as you sat up, wiping your tears on your sleeve, “You aren’t broken, people shouldn’t be so quick to judge.”
“You’re just saying that because you're nice.” You scoffed as you glanced down at the bed, your eyes glaring despite the blur, you fought with yourself at night on why Namjoon was even friends with you, surely he just thought you needed help. Needed friends. Why did it hurt to think of it like that? It’s what you wanted, right?
You squeaked in surprise at Namjoon’s large hands suddenly cupping your face, forcing you to look him in the eyes as you were taken back on how intense his stare was, anger evident on his face as his jaw clenched, “Don’t assume that. You aren’t broken and I don’t look at you like you need to be fixed okay?” His expression softened a little as he watched your eyes begin to blur again, your shoulders shaking as sniffled, trying your damnedest to not cry as you gritted your teeth.
Defeatedly you closed your eyes as you let your tears fall, why couldn’t you stop crying? Why was everything so confusing and why did it all have to hurt? Namjoon let his thumb rub across your cheekbone, wiping away the tears that dripped down as you closed your eyes, “I don’t care what’s happened okay? I just want to help you be happy again.”
“I don’t deserve it,” You spat out as you choked on your tears, unable to even look at him, you felt so useless, worthless, all of the life left your body with Taehyung when he- your breath escaped you, catching yourself as you nearly choked on the influx of tears. It didn’t matter anymore, nothing mattered anymore. He was gone and he wasn’t coming back.
Namjoon could feel his heart crumble with every tear that dropped down your face, his thumbs soothingly wiping every drop away, “Yes you do. Please, don’t say that about yourself.” Namjoon felt like a faucet and he couldn’t stop the overflow of emotions, unable to keep it to himself any longer when you were so obviously in pain. When you hated yourself for reasons unknown to him, “You will always be worth it to me, okay?” He pressed his forehead against yours, his smile pained as you squeezed your eyes tightly shut, “There will never be a day I don’t think that?” He said breathlessly, his eyes dulled and pained at your sobs, “Don’t cry love.” He spoke softly, closing his eyes, letting the warmth of your skin seep against his as he rubbed his thumbs over your cheeks.
“I don’t know how. I-I’m sorry....” You mumbled as you sharply sniffled, trying to calm yourself down as your heart ached. You thought for sure you had gotten better, but it became apparent you were just trying to block Taehyung out, and you couldn’t do that. He didn’t deserve it. Taehyung absolutely did not deserve to be blocked out of your memory or forgotten.
“Shhh.” Namjoon hummed soothingly, his nose rubbing against yours, his fingers tracing down your jawline, “You don’t have anything to apologize for.” Your lips trembled at the feeling of his warm breath against your skin, you could feel the hesitation from him, just a ghost of brush from his lips as you sniffled before he fully pressed his lips against yours.
The kiss was wet, not in a very pleasant way, tears beginning to stream down your cheeks as his lips began to tenderly stroke against yours, his hands so warm against your face as you sobbed against his mouth, parting your lips at the feeling of his soft lips that felt so right against yours. It was like intimacy and warmth you craved.
The kiss which was gentle quickly turned more heated, your body immediately crawling closer to his as your lips parted for him, his tongue immediately pushing past to enter your mouth as dominance was immediately one, a soft moan escaped you as long fingers trailed down your face to your neck. Your body was lighting up at the memory of those long fingers wrapped around your throat, the heat of his body against yours.
All the sleepless nights you spent together moaning in passion. Taehyung’s hands trailed down your waist, squeezing tight making you whimper as you crawled into his lap, seeking the comfort only he could bring as you let his tongue lap and force yours into submission in a sloppy wet kiss.
The knock on the door immediately made you jolt, opening your eyes only to let out a yelp. This was not Taehyung- but Namjoon. You frantically fell out of his lap, all too aware of your shocked expression and tear stained face as you wiped your mouth...You just...kissed Namjoon...The twist of betrayal in your heart wouldn’t stop stabbing as the door opened.
Namjoon’s lips had parted, looking somewhat frantic to apologize and explain himself when he saw how devastated your expression was, “Oh- uh sorry.” Seokjin looked somewhat sheepish to see the both of you, a girl peeping behind his shoulder looking somewhat embarrassed herself, “Were we um…?”
“No!” You sharply replied, getting off the bed as you felt your hands violently tremble. You just...you just kissed...you imagined...you thought…“You didn’t.” You rushed past the both of them as you the music pounded into your head and it was like the lights became blurred but not from tears anymore. All of your senses were on overload as your mind sneered at you, you just kissed someone who wasn’t Taehyung, as if he didn’t exist, it didn’t matter whether or not you thought it was him. It wasn’t. It wasn’t Taehyung, how were you ever supposed to forgive yourself?
“Y/n! Y/n!”
You didn’t stop until you were suddenly yanked back, “Y/n please,” Namjoon looked at you pleading, “I’m sorry, I overstepped my boundaries and I shouldn’t-”
“I don’t like you Namjoon.” Your heart was frantically beating out of your chest as tears began to blur in your eyes, shaking your head as you pulled from his grip, “This- it wouldn’t work. Don’t waste your time.” Your voice was ice cold despite the tears dripping down your face as you glared at him, the hurt in his eyes was unmistakable as you turned around.
Your body in shock as you closed your eyes, letting the tears slide down your cheeks. Walking downstairs you bumped into the person you were just looking for. Jungkook had first smiled upon seeing you before his expression immediately became worried, “What happened?” He was by your side instantly.
Sobbing you covered your ears, the music and lights too much as guilt ate you alive, “I wanna go home Jungkook.” You felt like a child as you wrapped your arms around yourself, Jungkook immediately wrapping an arm around you as he guided you out of the house.
How could you ever function after this…?
“Y/n please, we’re worried.” Jimin kneeled down in front of you as your body trembled, burying further into your blanket curled up on the couch as you shook your head. You couldn’t even speak about what happened without feeling the violent urge to throw up.
How could you ever do that to Taehyung? What would he think? Closing your eyes you sobbed once more as you heard Jimin demand, “What happened? What do you mean she came downstairs crying?”
Jungkook sat beside you and had refused to leave your house despite it being three in the morning, concern washed on his expression as he replied, “I don’t know! She and Namjoon went upstairs for a while and then she came back down crying and asked to come home. She wouldn’t talk the whole way home.”
Just the sound of his name sickened you, your fists curling against the blanket. You couldn’t be angry at him, after all, you had enjoyed it. You craved it. You were the one who was disgusting. Jimin rested his hands on the couch as he looked at you with a frown, “Y/n…” His heart broke at the sight of your crumpled figure buried in blankets, “Did he take advantage of you? What happened?”
“I imagined him…” You sobbed as you whispered, lips trembling at just the mental imagine in your head, looking up at them with tears welling as you confessed, “I kissed him and all I could see was Taehyung.” You buried back into the blankets as you sobbed, tears staining the warm cotton as you closed your eyes, “I miss him so fucking much. It hurts, it hurts to even breathe knowing he's dead. What’s the point in even being alive if he isn’t here with me? I’d do anything to be with him again. I can’t fucking do this anymore.”
You curled up as you squeezed your eyes shut, confessing every single thought that had built in your head, “I can’t…!” You couldn’t even register who was hugging you or who was saying what anymore, it was all a blur.
You weren’t even sure when you fell asleep.
Waking up your head was groggy and you groaned, when did you get in bed and... why was Jungkook here? Jungkook was curled up next to you, his breath in a soft rhythm as you sat up, rubbing your head as you began to recall the night before, your suddenly squeezing as you swallowed back the shame and guilt.
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid.
You should’ve kept it to yourself- you were never supposed to say anything you said last night…”Hey…” You coiled away from Jungkook’s soft voice, deeper than normal as he had obviously just woke up, if he didn’t think you were a kicked puppy before he definitely does now, “Hey…:” His voice was considerably softer as he sat up, a frown on his lips as he spoke, “You don’t need to feel ashamed for last night Noona...it’s good to get that stuff out…”
Pressing your hands against your face you felt absolutely mortified as you remembered in vivid detail what happened at the party, “I kissed Namjoon,” You whispered under your breath, “And all I could see was him.” You swallowed the thick knot that squeezed in your throat as you felt Jungkook comfortingly press his hand on your shoulder.
“It’s a process Noona,” Jungkook felt his lips quiver a little, not liking seeing you in such despair, you often hid it well but overtones always lingered, it hurt seeing you like this, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” A soft knock on the door sounded through the room before it opened, Jimin poking his head in as his eyes turned sad at the way your body curled into itself.
“How are you feeling?” Jimin sat on the edge of the bed as you snorted.
“Like crap.”
You could hear them both chuckle and you even felt your lips tug into a smile briefly before they quivered back into a frown, “God, I’m sorry guys…” You felt awful, you ruined both of their nights and probably their sleep, just to listen to you cry.
They both were immediately objecting as you inhaled slowly, sinking into yourself as Jimin sighed as well, his gaze soft as he pressed his lips together, silence taking over the room before he slowly spoke, “Y/n...I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but...I think maybe, we should get you help…” You parted your lips, wanting to object but he continued, “You need help. Y/n,” His lips quivered a little, “I lost my best friend,” His eyes looked glossy as he forced a smile, “I can’t lose you too. Please, at least for a week, for me.”
You lowered your gaze as you rubbed your face, maybe it would be for the best, you were beginning to see things that weren’t there, Taehyung was everywhere you looked, you could never escape the ghost of him no matter how hard you tried, “I…” You glanced at the sheets in resignation as you sighed, “Okay…” You mumbled, “I’ll give it a try.”
Only because you didn’t want them to worry over you.
----
Namjoon couldn’t say for sure what had happened, but he knew, deep down, he had fucked up. Running a hand through his hair he groaned as he paused at the shop in front of him. He knew seeing you now was a bad idea, you’d probably go to the back room and you wouldn’t want to talk to him.
But he just…! He just needed to know why. Why couldn’t he be with you? He never meant to fall in love with you, but he loved your smile you rarely showed, or the way you’d give witty comments to every subject he’d try to be serious about. And for once, he loved being not serious. With you. Did he go too fast? Should he have waited?
Namjoon almost didn’t want to go inside, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to handle the rejection, sometimes, it doesn’t matter how long you wait, some people are just not interested. But he was so sure you were, your eyes always seemed so bright and lit up when you laughed together, or how it would soften and you’d listen intently to his worries. He just needed to know…!
Determined he opened the door to the shop where his lips immediately quirked into a frown. Jungkook had just finished serving a customer when their eyes met, a frown also on his lips as he looked away, “Jungkook…! Where is she?” Namjoon must have looked pathetic, his eyes pleading as he hurried to the counter where Jungkook shied away from him, straightening out some of the coffee canisters as he turned his back to Namjoon, “Hyung….I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He mumbled, somewhat meekly as he figidied.
Namjoon pressed his hands against the counter as his gaze hardened, “Is she not here?” Of course you weren’t here, he should’ve known you’d take the day off to avoid him. If the need to speak to you wasn’t imperative before it certainly was now, “Jungkook please, I just need to know.”
Jungkook pressed his lips together as he turned around, frowning as his big doe eyes searched his elder, unsure if you’d appreciate him spilling what had been going on. And truthfully it wasn’t his place either, Jungkook sighed as he spoke reluctantly, “It’s not you Hyung, it’s her...She knows that better than anyone. I won’t say anything because It’s not my story to tell...I’ll talk to her about it and if she says it’s okay I’ll let you know where she is. Okay?”
Namjoon could feel his lips tremble a little before lowering his head in defeat, Jungkook’s expression was serious and if this was the best he could get then he’d just have to take it, Namjoon felt pathetic and desperate but he just needed to see you. To at least know you were okay. Your expression wasn’t just shocked at the party...you looked devastated. He didn’t understand and he wanted to, he needed to so badly.
“Thanks Jungkook.” He muttered with a sigh as he rubbed the back of his head, his phone vibrated in his pocket for the fifth time, Seokjin had been blowing up his phone the whole morning, apologies and questions had been spammed and he supposed, he’d stop by the frat house and sulk.
Jungkook offered an apologetic smile as Namjoon sighed, trudging out the door in defeat as he stuffed his hands into his pockets, the frat house was a short walk from the cafe and he had spent the majority of the time trying to gather his thoughts into something comprehensible for his friend to dissect.
“You could’ve at least sent me a text!” Seokjin scolded as he opened his bedroom door letting Namjoon walk in, the bitter reminder of the same bed he had sat on not too long ago and let his emotions get the better of him. He couldn’t help himself though, he couldn’t stand watching you cry much less sob, and he had seen you in that state so many times. He just wanted to help, he wanted to make you feel better.
Seokjin frowned as he paused from his scolding at the way Namjoon dejected collapsed on his bed, walking over he searched the man’s empty expression as he sighed, “What did you do?”
“I ruined everything.” Namjoon sulked as he pressed his hands to his face, “I kissed her and she looked at me like I was a ghost. I asked Jungkook where she was but he won’t say anything.”
Seokjin hummed as he sat on the edge of the bed next to his friend, “Maybe she just needs time to sort out her feelings. I talked about it before but it’s pretty apparent now that she obviously has a lot going on, Namjoon.”
Namjoon knew that had to be the case, otherwise you’d already be apologizing when you didn’t even need too, right? You’d be trying to fix whatever that was last night, and hey, he’d rather have you as a friend then not at all. He loved talking to you, hearing your thoughts on life and the way you perceived the world.
When you first began talking, your world seemed dim, as if you filtered the world in only shades of grey. But the more you spoke and the longer things went on, the more Namjoon noticed you opened up, color began to flood into your world again in soft tones and smiles. He adored it.
“I just wish she’d let me help her.” Namjoon mumbled as he rubbed his eyes, “I hate seeing her cry, and I hate seeing her push me away, and it would be one thing if she didn’t like me, but you want to know the worst part Seokjin?”
Hurt quivered in his veins as he sat up, glaring down at the ground as he felt a bitter smile twist on his lips, “I can tell she does, why else would she want to talk to me after everything that’s happened? So why won’t she let herself just…! It’s so frustarting!”
Seokjin sighed, unable to help but feel a little bad for him, it was obvious somewhere down the line friendship and something more had become blurred, “I know man,” Seokjin consoled, “Just give it time. She’ll come around when she’s ready.
Three weeks.
That’s how long Namjoon had spent sulking, lectures he once listened to eagerly had become background noise, flavors seemed less vibrant and nothing was the same without you. By the sixteenth day mark he had almost given up, feeling despondent, he had stopped by the shop a few times only for Jungkook to shake his head in apology.
That was until today. Namjoon’s eyebrows shot up and his heartbeat felt like it was going to burst out of his chest, “Ah...well, we can go after I get off shift, if that’s okay?” Jungkook offered a small smile, happy to see his Hyung looking a little more upbeat then he had before. It was truly a sad sight not only seeing Namjoon but you look like kicked puppies the past few weeks.
“Yes! Yeah that’ll work…! Jungkook, thank you so much, you- you have no idea how much this means to me…!” Namjoon fumbled over his words, his smile bright and lit up, excited to see you again even if it was to just apologize over and over again.
Jungkook smiled a little as he shrugged, “I haven’t done anything, Noona is doing a lot better and she asked when I visited yesterday if you could come.”
Namjoon nodded taking in his information before pausing….visited? As in, at her house? He didn’t quite understand but regardless he was glad to hear you didn’t hate him, or at the very least you still wanted to talk to him. Namjoon would take almost anything you handed him now. Some may find it sad but he was desperate, for closure at least.
Sitting down on your bed you hummed, letting your fingers drag against the pages of the book you had been reading during quiet time for the past two weeks, Jimin and Jungkook visited you nearly every day for visitor hour but when you got the chance you’d try to read, like now.
Perhaps you were just trying to calm your nerves, you had asked Jungkook yesterday if you could see Namjoon...the past month had been...long...filled with tears and exhausting nights. You hated group therapy and the nurses constantly battled you when it came to any sort of physical activities. But as the weeks went on you reluctantly began to open up more, particularly during your singular therapy sessions, which helped the most.
‘Tell me Y/n, you said earlier that Taehyung was the most and loving man you ever met,’ you nodded at her words as she spoke, ‘And you have also said that you can’t allow yourself to fall in love because you’d of your fear of forgetting him.’
You looked at your lap as you didn’t comment, unable too, it felt good...to be able to just spill everything to someone who was listening objectively, your therapist wasn’t looking at you like a kicked puppy, her eyes weren’t dripping with pity, she simply was listening, ‘Yeah…’ you mumbled as you folded your hands together.
“Have you ever considered that, if Taehyung is truly as lovely as you describe him to be, that he’d genuinely want you to move on? That he would always want you to be happy? If he’s as kind as you say. Acceptance is never easy Y/n, especially when you’re grieving the love of your life.”
You hung your head as you felt your eyes water, a sniffle escaping you as she pushes the tissue box over to you as she gave a gentle smile, “But Taehyung would want you to be happy. I want us to target why you feel this guilt every time you try to open up to Namjoon,” She clicked her pen, “You’ve said in the past, you feel guilty because you feel as though Taehyung is judging you, but in reality Y/n, the only person who is judging you, is yourself. The only person who is stopping you from receiving this love, is you.”
Grabbing a tissue you wiped your eyes as you sniffled while shaking your head, unable to speak no matter how much you wanted too as she continued, “These things you’re talking about are symptoms of depression, the guilt you feel is your superego saying you don’t deserve to be loved because you would be betraying someone who is no longer here. This doesn’t make your feelings invalid, but,” She clacked her tongue, “I’d like us to work together to rein in the superego and get back to the root of your consciousness. On your own time, I’d like you to have Namjoon pay a visit and talk with him, but in the moments of doubt, when you’re mind is telling you to pull away or that you don’t deserve something, I want you to consciously and actively tell yourself that it’s okay to love again. It’s okay to move on, it’s okay to let someone else in’
‘What if I’m not ready to face him?” You sniffled, somewhat horrified at the idea of seeing Namjoon again, how could you ever face him after something so embarrassing?
‘You’ll never fully be ready to face someone Y/n,” She replied, ‘But the first step to letting go, in your case, is telling yourself, that it’s okay to be loved again. It’s okay that you’re exploring love again. The only way to accept your feelings and your loss is by moving on. Let yourself open up to Namjoon, tell him the reason your like this and it will make you feel a lot better.’
You weren’t sure if you were ready to see Namjoon but...you felt guilty, guilty for lashing out at him when he didn’t deserve anything and...your fist curled as you inhaled sharply ‘it’s okay to love again’ that’s what your therapist told you and told you to repeat to yourself anytime you were flooded with any feelings of guilt.
Leaning against the wall your fingers dragged along the line of words, trying to read but your mind wouldn’t focus. Jungkook would be here soon with Namjoon, your roommate, a young eighteen year old girl was out in the dining area with her boyfriend right now. She had been emitted by her parents due to her depression but she told you the only time she felt excitement was at six o’clock every day, knowing he’d be here.
Love really could heal, couldn’t it?
The knock on your door made you jump, the nurse Kang Min Soo opened the door, she was the one who shuffled you from activity to activity during the day, offering a small smile she said, “You have visitors Y/n.” Straightened a little you nodded as she opened the door, your heart beating wildly in your chest as your eyes first met with Jungkook who offered a gentle smile, the taller figure of Namjoon behind him, eyes curiously searching his surroundings before meeting yours.
Unable to hold his gaze you dropped it to your book, closing it as you set it on the bed, “Hey guys…” You mumbled, feeling a little shy as you shifted a little.
“I know you wanted to talk,” Jungkook hummed, looking a little brighter today then he had within the past weeks, “So I’ll give you both a few minutes. Jimin should be here in about fifteen minutes.” You nodded, murmuring a thank you as he nodded, offering a smile to the both of you before he exited, shutting the door.
It was quiet for a few seconds as you curled your knees into your chest, “...I’m really sorry…” You mumbled, feeling somewhat pathetic at being unable to even meet his gaze, Namjoon was still quiet and you weren’t sure if that was a good sign or not, “...I know I haven’t been the most transparent…”
The bed shifted a little as you glanced up meekly to see Namjoon sit down a good distance from you, looking a little careful in his expression before he suddenly blurted out, “There’s another guy...isn’t there?” He looked sullied all of a sudden, casting his expression on the ground, “You don’t have to tell me. It’s obvious you’re in love with someone else.”
“He’s dead.”
Namjoon’s gaze up shot so fast he could hardly process your words, his lips parting as he searched your broken expression, eyes watering as you laughed a little, a smile tugging on your lips as you continued, “Namjoon- I loved him, so much.” You glanced up at him sincerely as the tears trickled down your cheeks, the smile looked so bright yet so sad as you sniffed, “He was my soulmate.”
Closing your eyes you rubbed them as the wet substance stained your skin, “I’ll never forget that night. It was so stupid. Taehyung- he- he had worked overtime that day and got off shift late. Kept texting me saying how excited he was to get home and eat what I had made.” Your soft gaze became a fiery glare as you mumbled, “But by eleven he wasn’t home...and I waited...and waited...and then I began to get worried. It wasn’t until 11:30 that I got a call.”
Squeezing your eyes shut you forced a laugh, “It was an accident, a stupid fucking accident. Neither made it. The car pulled out too soon without enough time for him to stop, the car ended up flipped and they rushed him to the hospital, by the time I got there they had to rush him into surgery.”
It was quiet for a moment as tears streamed down your face, covering your sob with your mouth as you shook your head, “Three hours and I never even got to say goodbye. Jimin was against the wall in tears and I don’t even remember what the doctor told me. Just saw a glance of his body in the hospital bed before the door shut…. Sometimes I still wonder, if I had just told him to not worry about the extra hours, if he’d still be here. He would’ve listened, he’d do anything to make me happy…” Pressing your hands against your eyes you bit your lip to keep down the sob as you muttered, “But it doesn’t matter now, he’s gone…” Wiping your tears away you took a shaky breath, “I’ve been in denial, not wanting to accept reality for what it is. That he’s gone...that he’s...dead...that he isn’t coming back. When I kissed you,” You felt new tears already welling in your eyes as you lowered your head in shame, “You made me feel better, and I loved that feeling so much. But all I could imagine was him. It’s not your fault...you don’t deserve to be dragged along because of me.”
“Hey…” You covered your face as you felt arms wrap around you pulling you into a hug, you couldn’t help but crave the warmth of Namjoon, his steady heartbeat of still being alive, did it make you a sinner to crave his touch? “I...I’m so sorry Y/n, I had no idea...that was what you were going through.” He squeezed his arms around you as you curled against him, too weak to try and fight what you wanted so badly, “But I’m not going to leave you just because of this.”
Covering your eyes you tried to stifle your sob, guilt eating away at you at the idea of leading Namjoon on, he deserved to be loved by someone who could give him their all.
You couldn’t.
“Don’t cry,” Namjoon’s lips coiled endearingly, those dimples poking out as he tenderly stroked a hand through your hair soothingly, “We’ll get through this, and we can go as slow as you want. But I’m not going to leave you. Not now, not ever. Okay?”
He leaned down, pressing a kiss against your forehead as you closed your eyes, tears trickling down your face as you tried your best to push the toxic thoughts that invaded your mind away. Taehyung would want this, wouldn’t he? Right? Remembering what your therapist said you repeated the words mentally, it was okay to be loved again. It was okay to move on.
“Are you sure you really wanna try this?” You sniffed, rubbing the tears from your eyes as you looked up at him, lips quivering as you tried to smile, your mouth faltering as you choked out, “I’m a girl with a whole lot of baggage Namjoon.”
Namjoon let his hands cup your cheeks, his thumbs pushing away the tears as he gave you a soft reassuring smile, “We’ll get past this, okay? You’ll always be worth the wait.” He closed his eyes as he pressed his forehead against yours. You couldn’t help but let out a small laugh, closing your eyes as you felt the small smile tug on your lips.
Maybe...maybe you could get past this.
You had spent another two weeks at the mental institute before you had felt good enough to sign yourself out and try to pick up your life where you left off, the past month had been...interesting to say the least. Namjoon, much like Jungkook and Jimin, visited you every day.
Some days were good...others were not so much...But if you learned anything in therapy was to take things a step at a time. Your therapist thought it was wonderful that you had developed feelings for Namjoon, even if it didn’t feel that way. But she had encouraged you saying that it was a sign your heart was ready to move on and heal.
“I’m so glad you’re back Noona!”
Right now however, you were trying to push Jungkook’s large figure away from you, damn why does this kid have to be so strong? Jungkook was practically like a little boy, running around in excitement when he saw you were put back on your work schedule and has since hugged you for three minutes straight when you walked in, “Jungkook we saw each other Friday.” You complained.
“Yeah but…! You were in ugly scrubs yesterday and your hair was really greasy,” Jungkook gave you a sheepish grin as you glared at him before pushing him away as he whined, “Besides! It’s your first day back at work!” He clapped his hands, “And you look a lot better! Not as tired anymore, did you sleep well?”
You sighed as you finished tying your apron, unable to stop the small smile tugging on your lips, Jungkook used to be a lot more reserved in what questions he asked, but having since visited you every day it seems those barriers have long past melted, “Yes, I’ve been sleeping a lot better, but it’s probably because of the medicine I’ve been prescribed to help.” Your smile felt a little weak, but regardless, at least you were sleeping.
And truthfully, you did feel somewhat, renewed. Like you were no longer strapped to a heavy weight and sinking to the bottom of the ocean. You weren’t sure how to describe it, but you felt lighter these days. Of course you wouldn’t deny how much your being still ached for the man you once loved. You still saw Taehyung in the colors that painted the walls, in the sea you always drove past on your way to work.
But everything seemed so far away now, as if the life you had with Taehyung was just a fuzzy dream. Sometimes late at night you wondered if it was real at all. Yesterday had been painful no doubt, when you arrived home the first thing you did was throw away all of Taehyung’s old clothes you had been keeping. Even his old favorite shirt you always wore to bed. Just the memory almost made your eyes well with tears but you contained yourself.
Clothes were just clothes, and they wouldn’t make Taehyung come back, would they?
“Well at least the medicine is helping Noona, sleep is sleep you can’t be picky.” Jungkook was buzzing in happiness before his eyes darted to the girl who was standing at the cash register ready to order, flitting over he began to take her order as you peered from behind. Snorting at the way she flirtatiously smiled and Jungkook fumbled, ears going red as he looked away and rang up her order.
You couldn’t help but smile as you began working on her flat white, “She likes you.” You stated as Jungkook leaned against the counter, crossing his arms as you began to laugh, watching the way his cheeks lit up like little tomatoes.
“So!? I’m not interested in her.” He mumbled defensively as you clacked your tongue, shaking your head as you set her coffee down at the end of the counter. Of course cupid only liked playing in your love life. As if the universe heard your thoughts the doorbell chimed as your gaze shot up. Two all too familiar figures walked in, well the other bounced in excitement, “Hey guys! It’s good to see you back Y/n! How have you been?” Hoseok practically flew to the counter in excitement. Given his words you doubt he knew what you had been up too but you appreciated the sentiment regardless, offering a small smile as you shrugged, “Just needed a break to clear my head. I’m doing good. Word is you finally bagged someone.”
Hoseok’s lips parted before he prominently closed them, his cheeks looking red before the door to the back suddenly opened, Yoongi looking around before Hoseok flailed a little, “What!? W-who told you that…?” You looked between them as you raised your brows, unable to keep the smile off your face.
“Awh, gay is okay guys. You don’t have to be shy.” You could hear Jungkook trying to cover his snort as he turned away to grab the convenient tray of pastries from Yoongi who suddenly looked perturbed and embarrassed, his ears were red as he mumbled something before quickly pushing back into the back room. Hoseok puckering his lips before he caved, a bright smile on his lips as he leaned over, “Hey…you mind if I go back there?” You snorted as you waved your hand.
“Knock yourself out. Just don’t cum all over the stove.” “Y/n!” “Sorry!”
You laughed as Hoseok sped around the counter and bolted into the backroom as you shook your head. At least some things changed for the better over the month you had been gone. Shaking your head you hummed, “Someone looks like they’re in a good mood.” His words made your lips tug into a smile as you turned to face Namjoon who had been passively watching the whole situation unfold.
“You don’t know how long I’ve watched them pine for one another,” You replied, looking down as you wiped down the counter to try and keep your gaze from meeting his, it was weird, this warm burning sensation that tickled your insides, it almost felt like butterflies, “It’s nice to see them finally admit it. So are you just here to watch the gays or are you gonna order something?” You looked up, a weird half smile quirked on your lips and you probably looked stupid.
Namjoon leaned down against the counter as he shrugged, a smile on his lips and those pretty dimples on display, “What should I get?”
These feelings, constantly repeating to yourself that they were okay, it was all so new. It was hard not to get flustered at his innocent words as you turned to look at the menu before shrugging, “Well you like tea, what about Tropic Blossom? It’s main notes are orange blossom and hibiscus so it’s naturally sweet unless you want stevia in it?” You turned back to face him only to awkwardly look away, feeling your face begin to burn at the way he was looking at you.
It wasn’t provocative or anything sensual, but his eyes were lit up in a warm glow and his lips were constantly curved upwards in a smile, “Sure, with a chocolate scone too! Hey do you think you could convince Yoongi to make blueberry scones?”
You rang up Namjoon as you snorted, curving a brow with an amused look before replying, “You could’ve got one back in spring if you had just come with Hoseok earlier. He doesn’t take requests though so no.”
“Not even for me? Come on, you could convince him.” Namjoon leaned in a little, his lips quirking into a smirk as he hummed, “Just once.” You turned away from him as you tried to ignore the way your face burned. Jungkook had a shit eating grin on his face as he minded his own business, or at least he pretended to as he began making the Tropic Blossom.
“Just once Noona?” He couldn’t help himself as he gave you patronizing puppy eyes as you glared at him before he snickered, you shoved his shoulder though he hardly budged as you huffed.
“I will, in the spring.” You clacked your tongue as you tried to control the smile that tugged on your lips as you leaned down as you pulled out the scone, placing it on the plate as you set up the napkin, “Until then you’re just gonna have to live with chocolate.” You stood up, looking up at his figure as you felt a smile tug on your lips once more as you handed him his plate.
“Can I take you somewhere tonight?”
Your eyebrows shot up at his abrupt words, Jungkook set his tea down as he immediately spoke for you, “She’d love to- Ow!” You jammed your elbow into his rib as he squeaked, suddenly looking at you with sullied eyes like a kicked puppy as he trailed back to the register where a small line had formed.
Take you somewhere…? Like a date…? You weren’t sure if that’s what he meant but...you felt a little at war with yourself, you knew you should be excited but, “Only if you want to,” Namjoon could immediately sense the shift in your demeanor, offering a small smile, “Remember what I said? We can take this at your pace.”
Well...he was right, you could always head home early if things took an odd turn or...the guilt had faded but you couldn’t help but feel like you were doing something wrong, mustering a smile you nodded, “It’s fine! I get off work at seven though…”
“Perfect! It’s nothing special,” Namjoon’s smile brightened as he held his cup up, “I’ll see you after work then…” He tipped his drink to you as he gave it a sip, the doors to the backroom suddenly swinging up as you whirled around.
“What did I say Hoseok?” You couldn’t help the amusement you felt at the sight of Hoseok’s ruffled hair and the suspicious bruises on his neck that were absolutely hickies, he sent you a semi embarrassed and unappreciative look as he replied, “Just get my sugar glaze pastry…”
You couldn’t stop the shit eating grin on your face as you and Jungkook exchanged looks before ringing him up, “And a cumin shot to go?” His glare was worth the joke.
The rest of the day had come and gone, some hours slow and others fast, Jungkook and you would often go bug Yoongi when things were slow- well it was mainly Jungkook, but you were glad to be back. Things almost seemed...normal?
Was this what life was really like before....you felt a small lump in your throat form. Before Taehyung? The ache in your heart was still there, but it was no longer the force that would always cause you to topple. Maybe this was the worst part of it all.
The fact that the once beautiful life you had with Taehyung was over now. You felt a smile tug on your lips and your eyes gloss a little, but for the first time, it wasn’t out of sadness. But happiness, that at the very least, you had Taehyung in your life for as long as you did. Some things just weren’t meant to be. In this lifetime at least.
Taking a deep breath you pulled yourself from your thoughts as you finished cleaning the counters, Jungkook had already finished taking out all the old pastries and Yoongi had finished cleaning up the back, “You ready to go Noona?” Jungkook called out as he untied his apron.
“Yeah, gimme a second.” You called back as you tossed your rag into the sink, walking over to the coat rack as you untied your own apron. You glanced out the shop door to see a familiar figure standing out front waiting as you looked back down, suddenly feeling semi embarrassed.
Jungkook and Yoongi were exchanging glances and you could tell on both of their faces they thought this was both endearing and hilarious, all it took was one glare from you to keep them both from spouting any kind of bullshit.
Wrapping your jacket around yourself you snuggled up against the warm fabric that fought against the cold air as you walked outside, offering a meek smile to Namjoon who’s eyes lit up at the sight of you, “Hey…” You murmured, trying to calm your heart rate that spiked rapidly for no reason.
Keeping his hands inside his coat pocket Namjoon greeted you with a brighter smile, “Hey, are you ready to go?” You gave a small nod as you began walking beside him. The sun setting and the air was getting colder at night these days, soon autumn would be here and color would flourish in all the trees.
Warily, you couldn’t help but feel a small part of yourself that was…looking forward to autumn. It was always a welcomed time of year for you, when cinnamon was strong in the air and you could bake anything with apples in it. Bundling up next to a small campfire and the only time you could wear flannel without feeling self conscious.
“Where are we going?” You asked softly as you glanced up at Namjoon who peered down at you with a small playful smile, as if he wasn’t going to answer, but he thought it was cute you’d ask regardless.
“Somewhere.” Namjoon’s smile became bigger as he watched the pout quirk on your lips as you hummed, looking back out at the darkening sky, “It’s nothing special, just something I like doing when I have the next day off.” You tilted your head in curiosity as to where he was taking you.
You only felt more confused when you stood at the gates of the park, turning to look at Namjoon as you felt a smile curl on your lips, unsure of what to make of this, “Not even a hint?”
“Well,” Namjoon drawled, pressing his lips together briefly in thought before smiling once more, “We’ll be sitting down. I can’t say anything without giving it away.”
Sitting down? There was a playground here, would you be sitting on the swings? You hadn’t done that in a long time, but much to your surprise Namjoon walked right past only for your eyes to set on a blanket that looked to already be spread out and a...telescope? Namjoon sat down as he gestured at you with a laugh, “What’s with that expression?”
“Nothing!” You hurriedly replied, sitting down on the other side of the blanket, “I just…” You looked around before looking up at the sky, lips parting a little only to notice the dark sky blanketed with bright stars, “Didn’t expect this…” You murmured as your eyes darted from star to star, it was a clear night, perfect for stargazing, how long had it been since you even looked up?
Had you truly forgotten the stars existed before this moment?
Namjoon’s expression was warm as he gestured you over, “They look even better up close, you can see Pisces from here.” Leaning down you peeped through the lense as Namjoon guided the telescope as you let out a little gasp, “Oh! I think I see it!” You zoomed the lense out a little bit as you pressed your lips together, “Wait, I don’t think that’s it.”
You had never been good with astronomy but...something about Namjoon laughing softly as you straightened up, something about the way he passionately pointed to each constellation, the way the deep midnight sky melted between the flicks of white that all seemed so...alive…
You really liked this.
You must’ve spent the whole night, looking at the stars laying down, talking about whatever came to mind, you couldn’t take your eyes off the sky for hardly a second. It truly was beautiful.
“Hey, Y/n.” You hummed as Namjoon spoke up softly, “Do mind, if I ask...about him…” You stiffened a little, your dreamy gaze snapping to Namjoon, more awake now then you had been all evening.
As if noticing the semi spooked expression Namjoon quickly added, “Only if you’re up to it...I’m sure it isn’t easy to talk about it...But I just…” He seemed a little self conscious as his eyes flickered back to the sky, “I just wanted to know about him, what he was like, what did you do together.”
You felt a weak smile tug on your lips before closing your eyes, the night sky was no longer in your vision, but it was the warmth of your old home, the apartment you shared with Taehyung, his face which you hadn’t seen in so long was so clear, “He was…” You trailed off for a second before you felt your eyes water as a smile tugged on your lips, “Childish,” You laughed, memories of his pouty expression whenever you reprimanded him, “Playful definitely…” You sniffed as you wiped your eyes, the way he’d smirk and grab you by the waist, murmuring less than appropriate things in your ear, “God he was…” Opening your eyes you laughed again while shaking your head, “Everything I could’ve ever wanted. He made me see colors that don’t exist, noise became music, clouds weren’t just particles anymore,” Tears trickled down your face as you smiled, looking up at the stars, “He told me they were god’s canvas that he painted on every day. Taehyung, he saw beauty in everything.”
You paused as your smile slowly faded, closing your eyes as the pain washed over you, the dull ache in your heart returned as you rubbed your eyes of the tears you had shed, “It’s just…” You felt pathetic, still crying, still missing what once was, “Hard to believe it’s all over, y’know?”
You felt fingers tug at your hair before gently combing through as you covered your mouth, trying to stifle down the sobs that bubbled in your throat, “He sounds like a one of a kind.” Namjoon offered a small smile as you turned to face him, rubbing the warm tears from your face as you felt a smile tug on your lips.
“He was terrible! He’d start singing trot off tune and he always made such a fucking mess in the kitchen without cleaning it up!” Memories flashed by in your mind, flour all over the floor and Taehyung's voice low and raspy as he’d cough while trying to sing, the large boxy smile he’d give when you’d wake up to breakfast already made, “And he always left his clothes all over the floor because he never did laundry because he knew i’d do it for him if he waited long enough.”
“Oh? And how bad were the road trips?” Namjoon’s lips were tugged in a soft smile, laying on his side to look at you as his fingers tangled against your roots.
“Don’t even get me started,” You both laughed as continued, “Jazz was always a must and it was so boring to listen to for five hours straight and he always bought too many snacks! We went camping one time and...god!” You let out a breathy laugh, “Never again, we forgot to bring bug repellent in the middle of the most humid time of the year and apparently there was like this- retreat? For nudists at the campgrounds at the time and they kept coming over asking if we wanted to take LSD with them and it ended up raining the whole time!”
Namjoon was snorting out a laugh, humored as he asked, “What did you guys do? I don’t think I can imagine my camping neighbors as nudists.”
“We had rented out this shitty old camper van so we could keep all of our supplies in the back but, after a long day of being miserable and arguing half the time we packed up and intended on leaving,” You closed your eyes as your fingers traced against the soft blanket, “But when we were driving back we ended up taking a wrong turn and found a cliff side camping spot that was just gorgeous. So we ended up clearing out the back of the van and setting up a ton of blankets and pillows and we enjoyed the view.”
You could still feel the hard car floorboard against your body with just a few blankets for comfort, curled up against Taehyung with his arms wrapped around you looked out over the valley, that awful weekend ended up being one of your favorite memories, “We turned off our phones, worked through our problems, shared laughs and ate those stupid hostess powdered donuts, and he said it. That first I love you.”
Tears dripped down your face as you forced yourself to pause, you hated doing this to Namjoon, who obviously held back saying those same words, why was he even doing this to himself? He couldn’t have actually wanted to hear about him. You could see the way his heart always crumbled with every tear you cried, “I miss him so much. I’m sorry.” You whispered in overwhelm, memories you had forgotten resurfacing and you pressed your hands into your face.
“Shhh,” You were pulled against Namjoon, his arms comfortingly wrapped around you as he held you close, “It’s okay to miss him.”
-----
“I’m gonna hurt the roots if I just rip it out!”
You curved a brow as you snorted, Namjoon looked utterly distressed as he attempted to repot his newest set of flowers, mums in shades of deep burnt orange and burgundy, perfect for autumn, “The roots are overgrown!” You argued, “We’re gonna have to cut them down to put less stress on the plants for the love of god just listen to me!”
You pushed the powdered donut into your mouth before sitting down with him on the wooden picnic table, “Who’s the expert here?”
“You.” Namjoon unenthusiastically hmphed as he rolled his eyes, but curiously peered down at your hands that pushed down through the soil, carefully extracting the small square of mums as you swallowed the large clump of donut, “Alright we gotta clip these before you can repot them, it’ll promote more growth and they won’t die as quick.”
“It just seems…” Namjoon watched warily as you clipped the roots with zero hesitation, “...Counter intuitive. Isn’t this like ripping out their lungs?”
You snorted again, turning to look at him as you pouted animatedly, “Awh you think plants feel? I mean if you wanna get that graphic it’s more like...shaving their lungs…” You watched Namjoon’s nose crinkle in dismay as you laughed, “Seriously though, they won’t get as much nourishment from the soil if you just keep this big ass clump. Root pruning is kind of essential when you’re repotting store bought plants.”
“Alright but if my flowers die-”
“Which they won't.” You handed him the pruners as you gave him a cheeky smile, “Well go on, they won’t trim themselves.” You grabbed the bag of mini donuts before plopping another into your mouth, as you inhaled sharply. It was such a beautiful day out, the sun was shining and clouds big and fluffy.
It was the perfect day to be outside, which is why you were sitting on the picnic table that was one of many sitting outside behind your apartment building. Things with Namjoon have been...good...they’ve been great. It’s been nearly a month of consistently seeing one another, hanging out.
The pain is still there but, it’s gradually faded with time, you still go see your therapist once a week to talk over things in hopes of not pouring too much out onto Namjoon who was always so patient and kind. You frequented the park at night with him to stargaze and planting and taking care of any greenery had become a thing with you both.
You weren’t sure what it was but, being able to be open and honest about your past relationship with Taehyung, being able to talk about your adventures together, the things you loved and annoyed you about him. Somehow having Namjoon earnestly listen to it all brought you closer to him. You felt safe with him, like he’d wipe your every tear away.
You really didn’t deserve him.
Your fists curled in frustration having not caught the words in your mind. Your therapist had been really getting on you as of late to try and redirect your thoughts to more positive affirmations anytime you mentally said you didn’t deserve him. Like...you deserved to have his kindness in your life.
You could even step into the art museum now without much fear, only because Namjoon loved art and he often contemplated his love of philosophy alongside it. You really were thankful for him. But you couldn’t help but notice something lingering…something you couldn’t quite put your finger on.
“So I was thinking.” Namjoon hummed, his eyes purposely looking down at the soil that crumbled beneath his fingers as he pruned the roots carefully, “Why not attend that gala tonight? For Modernism?”
You tilted your head as you shoved another donut in your mouth, “Gala?” Your voice was muffled as you chewed before swallowing, “I thought you said it was stupid because they should’ve chosen to represent Baroque?” He had done things like this in the past before, it would be one thing if you were an art person and he was doing it for you, but you weren’t.
Namjoon looked a little apprehensive as he shrugged, gaining your attention more as his eyes stayed on the mums, “Well...I know you both used to like doing...you know, things like that…” He mumbled, making your mouth fall open. Oh...oh no…! You were afraid of something like this happening.
“Namjoon,” Your lips tugged into a pout, your voice gaining his attention as he peeked up a little, obviously embarrassed when he shouldn’t be, grabbing the plant from him tenderly you set it into the pot before grabbing his soil covered hands, his eyes anywhere but yours, “Those were things me and him liked to do Namjoon…”
“I- I just…” Namjoon fumbled a little, “I know you miss doing those things so…”
Your expression twisted sadly, had you said too much to him about Taehyung? You didn’t want Namjoon to feel insecure about your relationship...not that you were together but...things were obviously headed in that direction, weren’t they?
“I don’t miss doing those things Namjoon, I miss it because it was with him,” You watched the way he frowned, his shoulder’s slumping as he stared down at the table, “And you aren’t him. And I don’t want you to be him,” His gaze suddenly shot up to your expression that hardened, “Namjoon I don’t want to live in the past trying to make old memories new again when we already have something. I wanna create new memories that are just as happy,” You felt a little shy as you looked away, “With you, and with the things we like to do together. So don’t worry about it, let’s just stick with a plans to go to the park tonight, besides didn’t you say a meteor shower was happening,”
You were casual in your words, trying to play off your heartfelt confession on not wanting him to compare himself to your old lover, that wasn’t the kind of relationship you wanted and it wouldn't be Namjoon if he did things the way Taehyung did. They were two very different men with similar hobbies but for vastly different reasons, but you’d always love them both.
Wait…
“Draconids, but it’ll be a boring show. They say there’s only five meteors an hour” Namjoon smiled, his chin resting against his arm as he gave you a dopey smile making you laugh as you shook your head. His fingers playing with yours as you replied, “I’d rather be there then at a stuffy art gala.”
“Noona! Hyung! Oh did we interrupt?”
You clacked your tongue in annoyance as your hand, still intertwined with Namjoon’s dropped to table to see both Jungkook and Jimin waving, “No you didn’t, asshole!” You added as you yelled back, watching both Jimin and Jungkook belt out with laughter as a smile tugged on your lips.
It was originally planned as just a lunch outside but you and Namjoon had made more plans on top of that.
Jimin waved the bag of takeout he had gotten for everyone as they both sat down, grabbing the towel that was laid out Namjoon wiped his hands along yours as he groaned, “Ah I’m starving, why did it take you guys so long?”
“No reason,” Jungkook hummed, sounding oddly...content…? Your furrowed your brows as you looked between them both, Jimin’s eyes immediately shooting down to the bag of food as he coughed loudly, “Here’s your kebabs you wanted.”
You ignored whatever subtext was lingering in the air at the sight of you lamb kebabs, hands immediately sticking out with a smile, “Thank you!” When was the last time you had enjoyed food like this?
You could feel the warm rays of sunshine on your face and the cool breeze that passed over your body occasionally, was this what it was like to feel again? It was hard to keep Namjoon’s bright gaze that looked more and more like love these days, the way he’d just stare at you with that small smile and those dimples of his. You supposed, these days, maybe you really could fall in love with someone else.
And after all...that’s what Taehyung would want, wouldn’t it? Something continuously held you back though and...suddenly everything became so clear, you knew exactly what you needed to do. And you knew you didn’t need to do it alone. Watching Jungkook and Jimin bid their farewell after lunch your throat became dry as your heartbeat became faster.
“Namjoon,” You asked before you convinced yourself maybe this wasn’t as good of an idea as you thought it was.
He hummed, turning to face you, that bright smile on his lips again as he listened endearingly, somehow making it harder to speak and had the sun always been this hot? “...Would you mind going with me...to visit him?”
Namjoon’s pupils widened a little and his lips parted as if not expecting those words, he sincerely took a moment to ponder them and you appreciated more then if had unwillingly said yes, after a moment he gave you another reassuring smile as he grabbed your hands, “Of course Y/n.” You felt relieved as you gave a small smile in return, you knew exactly what you needed to do.
It wasn’t until the evening that you went to the flower shop, grabbing a small bouquet of tiger lilies before walking towards the cemetery, Namjoon doing a double take when you shyly grabbed his hand. Touches were innocent still, hand holding still new and it was admittedly welcomed.
The sunset was vivid today and it seemed just like yesterday you had rejected Namjoon’s offer for lunch in turn to come here, had that really been three months ago? You looked up at his figure that was looking ahead as a smile tugged on your lips.
The cemetery looked as it always did, serene, carefully walking in the passage ways and making sure to not step onto any graves you paused at the willow tree. Your heart still squeezed as you glanced down.
Kim Taehyung
1995 - 2018
‘For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream’
Sitting down you pulled out the rag you had packed, gently wiping off his gravestone as your eyes waters, a soft smile tugging on your lips as your fingers traced against the engraved name, “Oh there’s so many things I wish I could tell you Tae.” You murmured softly, closing your eyes as the tears slid down, the smile still on your face as you sat back, placing the flowers down as an arm comfortingly wrapped around you.
Sniffing you wiped your eyes as you leaned against Namjoon, your head resting against his shoulder as you closed your eyes, “I’ve struggled for so long to let you go. To let myself be okay with letting you go.” You could imagine Taehyung’s face, his dark locks of hair covering his eyebrows and his soft smile, hands cupping your cheeks, “And I’ll always love you. But I know you wouldn’t want me to go on the way I had been…So I’ve come here to say goodbye I suppose.”
There was an ache in your jaw and your heart throbbed with that familiar dull ache, Namjoon’s head laying on top of yours as he pressed a kiss against your hair, “You’ll always be with me, and I’ll always cherish the time I had with you. But it’s time that I let myself be happy again. I know you understand. So thank you for...everything. And leading me to the person I belong with now.”
You squeezed your eyes shut as the tears trickled down your cheeks, pressing into Namjoon’s shoulder, even despite your tears you felt, at peace? As if this was meant to be, accepting things for what they were, and that no, you weren’t completely over Taehyung, but this was a good start to letting him go fully.
Namjoon wrapped his arms around you as you sniffled, scooting against him as you curled up against the warmth he radiated, “I promise I’ll take care of her,” He spoke softly, a gentle smile on his lips as he looked down at your curled up figure, knowing this couldn’t be easy for you to do, “I know we never met, but thank you for making her happy. And I’ll continue to do the same.” He pressed another kiss against your head as he rested his head a top of yours once more.
Sniffles escaped you as the wind blew through the trees, a soft rustle being the only noise outside your tears as the willow tree swayed in contentment. And if you really wanted to reach, maybe this was Taehyung’s spirit giving his blessing.
For the first time, leaving the cemetery was like a breath of relief, it was as if you had learned to walk on your own for the first time in a very long time. The sun had already set and hand in hand with Namjoon you both walked to the park where you set out the blanket as the moon rose.
“Thanks by the way,” You turned to face Namjoon in confusion as he offered a small shy smile, “For taking me to visit him today. I know it wasn’t easy to do.” Your heart felt like it was doing little backflips as you crawled out to snuggle up against him, for the first time, craving his touch against you.
“Of course, but I’m ready to focus on us.” You still felt a little shy yourself but you wanted more than anything to get to know Namjoon, he knew everything there was to know about you by now in terms of your past relationship. There was an unquenchable inferno inside you that wanted to know everything you could about this man.
Laying down curled up against him Namjoon let his fingers tenderly run against your hair as he whispered, “I’m okay with that.” Your heart for the first time felt content, warm and fuzzy, all the hurt and all the tears you had spent crying felt like just a distant memory in the arms of your lover now.
Your eyes felt lost in the inky blue sky above the were speckles with stars that gleamed brightly, and there it was the first meteor that passed making you squeak in excitement, Namjoon smiled as he looked down at your expression that seemed so excited at the flashes of light that streaked across the sky.
Glancing at the sky Namjoon was surprised at the next few meteors that passed, and a few more before they came in dozens and dozens and soon the whole sky was lit up in light and the stars the seemed so muted before looked like gems that danced across the sky, light blues mixed with deepers shades of indigo and the streaks of white painted across the sky as he whispered, “This only happens once every few hundred years, where hundreds appear in the sky.”
Namjoon couldn’t look at the rare sight in the sky though, not when he could look at your eyes that reflected the whole sky in them, all the stars that surfed in your gaze and your lips open in awe at the sight and for the first time in his life, he understood what that saying meant.
‘For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream’
Namjoon would never leave your side for a single second, he pledged to himself, you’d both get through this together and you’d build a strong relationship. And he’d cherish you just as much as Kim Taehyung did, he’d devote his whole life to you if needed.”
“Namjoon,” Your eyes looked dreamy while you turned to face him, he seemed distant as he stared at you as you gave a bashful smile, for the first time able to say what you always felt, “I love you.”
#bts#kim namjoon#namjoon#namjoon x reader#namjoon x y/n#namjoon angst#bts angst#namjoon imagine#taehyung angst#kim taehyung#taehyung x reader#im so sorry yall#this is sad as hell
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Made of Iron, Born of Fire: The Fanmix
by @imgoingtocrash
Listen on Spotify and 8tracks
Read the series on Ao3
AKA: A labor of love for @savvysass’s birthday!!!!
What can I say that hasn’t already been said because we’re both incredibly sappy people in our Author’s Notes? Writing this series with you has brought me so much joy in the last two years, and I never could have hit over 100k words without you. Here’s to whatever we write next in the series...and all of the WIPs we’re working on right now...and only god knows what’s next for us personally and professionally...and most importantly, to you on your Birthday. Thank you for being such a good friend, in both fandom and outside of it. I’m so, so thankful to know you and love you. 🥰
Director’s Cut Below, because we all know I love talking about this series, and yes, that does extend to why I picked these songs. (And also maybe because these song choices only make sense in my brain and hopefully Savannah’s?? Who knows! Feel free to ask questions if you want but let’s be honest this series and fanmix are most importantly for us, because we love the series so dang much.)
My Wildest Dreams by Ron Pope
I spoke in riddles and in rhymes, but my time with you has taught me to simplify, you’re not quite what I pictured you would be, you’re better than my wildest dreams.
We’ve talked about this one before, and I’LL TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN!!!! Ron Pope is so good imo, and this song wowowow the father-child feels, but especially with Tony and newborn Peter a la A Foreign Feeling and A First Time For Everything.
Big & Scared by Raleigh Ritchie
I want to be better for you, let me do that now, you’re my favorite human, so you should be prepared, I’ll help you get through it, when you’re big and scared
We’ve mentioned Tony’s thoughts about legacy multiple times by now, and I think this song really represents Tony looking forward to the person Peter could be become and that “breaking the cycle” mentality of supporting Peter even when he’s not a perfect father.
Legacy of Sadness by Ron Pope
irrational as it may seem I guess I’m sorry, even though I know that none of it’s my fault, it is easier for me to count my blessings, than to cry for every single thing we’ve lost
I have 0 shame putting these two songs by Ron Pope almost back to back because they’re the opening and closing of an album dedicated to his child like...it’s so perfect for Tony and this theme of reflection on who he is and who Peter will become/is becoming and all that entails.
this is me trying by Taylor Swift
They told me all of my cages were mental, so I got wasted like all my potential, and my words shoot to kill when I'm mad, I have a lot of regrets about that
I wrote something...very sad but also soft recently??? and this is for That it’s about pre-CW Pepperony being separated and the road to them trying to come back together including Tony working on himself and I love it!!! It hurts really good!!! This whole song is perfect for it and I can’t wait until people get to read it.
Be Good When I’m Gone by Four Year Strong
I'm sorry I can't stop to listen, but I've got so much to do and I've got some place to be, the house looks like the aftermath of a hurricane, I hope it stays that way
Tony being a busy parent but doing his best to make time for Peter in his life and making that time count has been something super important to illustrate to us, especially the transition from being a CEO to being a superhero and how that changes how Peter sees Tony’s absence over time.
I Won’t Back Down by Johnnyswim, Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors, and Penny and Sparrow
Tony puts on the original version by Tom Petty in Home Is Where The Heart Is, but I think this cover has a very slow, emotional undertone that’s really great too. The interludes, if you didn’t catch it, have all been featured in a fic previously.
Let It Matter by Johnnyswim
So if it matters let it matter, if your heart's breaking let it ache, catch those pieces as they scatter, know your hurt is not in vain
Pepper in Never Tell Me The Odds ALL DAYYYYY. She’s the emotional rock of that fic (and of our Ironfam TBH) and it’s all because she allows herself to feel her feelings and encourages the Stark boys to do so as well.
Simmer - Acoustic by Hayley Williams
And if my child, needed protection, from a fucker like that man, I’d sooner gut him, cause nothing cuts like a mother
Post-Home Is Where The Heart Is...y’all know Pepper’s not that mad about what happened to Obie. Also just Pepper when someone hurts her family?? I always write it as her sort of putting all of her emotion into something she can control and doing it well, so, this song is all about that.
Tightrope by Nia Hendricks
one step after another, keep holding on to each other, don’t look back, move on and let go, that’s how you walk on a tightrope
Pepperony trying to navigate their relationship and the insanity of superhero stuff and also co-parenting. It’s all excellent, I love them so much, I enjoy writing it so much!!!!
Dancing With Your Ghost by Sasha Sloan
Never got the chance, to say a last goodbye, I gotta move on, but it hurts to try, how do I love, how do I love again?
This song is tilted towards romance, but if you’ll remember, we’re a Pro-Tony Survives Endgame AU series, so it’s not about THAT...but well...Infinity War sure will hit something fierce for certain non-romantic relationships in this series, huh?
The Bones by Maren Morris
Call it dumb luck, but baby, you and I, can't even mess it up, although we both try, no, it don't always go the way we planned it, but the wolves came and went and we're still standing
Post-Endgame Ironfam!!! Tony and Pepper married with their kids, their family and HAPPY...THIS IS WHY WE DO ALL OF THE ANGST...FOR A FAMILY...WE LOVE THEM
Carry on Wayward Son by Kansas
Considered Pepper and Peter’s ‘song’, as it’s referenced multiple times in the series, and was one of the bigger solidifying moments of their mother-son relationship as a whole.
Mundane by Hardcastle
And I’ve been sinking into silence, dwelling on my thoughts, and in these months, I haven’t felt that most conversations have left me anything but blue
Peter’s selective mutism was something very special to us when we originally had the idea, and making sure we talk about it and utilize it in the right way is something we’re still working on, particularly with the Therapy Fic we’re brainstorming atm.
survivin’ (One Eyed Jack’s Session) by Bastille
What can I say? I'm survivin', crawling out these sheets to see another day, what can I say? I'm survivin', and I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna be fine, I think I'll be fine
Spoiler Alert: Peter’s not fine, like, a decent amount of the time. But he’s sure trying, and we love him for that.
Jacob from the Bible by Jake Wesley Rogers
Mama, don't worry, it took me years, to say I'm sorry, to see your tears, Mama, forgive me, I grew up too fast, but it's not on you, it's in the past
Mostly part of Peter growing up to become a hero and realizing what his parents--particularly Pepper--have gone through for him to become the person he is today, but that sometimes he still doesn’t feel like he’s making them proud enough.
Compassion Is a German Word by To Kill A King
Don't be so arrogant, you ain't no different to anyone I've met, we're all the heroes in our own film, or maybe the villain in someone else's
Spider-Man being an excellent superhero boi!!! Being kind and good!!! We love it!! Also, I put a TKAK song on...a LOT of my playlists, because I think they’re great.
brutal by Olivia Rodrigo
And I'm so sick of seventeen, where's my fucking teenage dream?, if someone tells me one more time, "Enjoy your youth", I'm gonna cry
I mean...this song is such a Teenage Mood...I had to do it...
In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning by Frank Sinatra
So, I had this cute little scene in my head that went with this song for SO LONG but there wasn’t really anything for it to fit into so...yeah that’s part 2 of Savannah’s Birthday Gift, a little soft Baby Peter drabble. Fluffy Goop from top to bottom. That can be read here.
Home by Phillip Phillips
Just know you're not alone, 'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home
...I know it’s not original, okay? It’s found family, it’s great, I don’t care!
Comes and Goes (In Waves) by Greg Laswell
And this part was for her, and this part was for her, this part was for her, does she remember?
This song is good family angst in general BUT these specific lyrics made me think of Mary and that they never forget her in their lives despite the other stuff going on (because we refuse to let them).
I Have Made Mistakes by The Oh Hellos
I have made mistakes, I continue to make them, the promises I've made, I continue to break them, and all the doubts I've faced, I continue to face them, but nothing is a waste if you learn from it
No one in the Ironfam is perfect, but they all do their best to try and grow even when they’re scared they’ll never be able to. The ups and downs are all par for the course of this series to us.
Easy Days - Demo by Bastille
Cause I don’t wanna fall back again, back into the easy days, everything was so simple then, little fires burned away
Strife is a part of life, and the family in this fic growing through their loss and struggles and moving ahead as a unit to get to a better place is super central to making the fic what it is...but it’s easy for them to remember the old days before being superheroes and wishing it was simple again.
North by Sleeping At Last
Let the years we’re here be kind, be kind, let our hearts like doors open wide, open wide, settle our bones like wood over time, over time, give us bread, give us salt, give us wine
The way Tony went from feeling so alone to having an entire built family that’s so full of love and everything he never dreamed of...*screams into my pillow* I love this series so much thank you and good night!!!
#made of iron born of fire#irondad#ironfam#fanmix#savvysass#this series just makes me burst with content i can't describe it#also doing the graphics was a fun experiment!!!#mine#mine: marvel
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The Stars Made Us (Part 28)
Prompt: In this world, you’re one of the “lucky” ones who got a soulmate, but what if the universe gives you more than you bargained for?
(Prompt challenge – You live in a world where your soulmate can write on their skin and you will get the writing on your own and vice versa. Where they can wash away the ink on their own skin, however, the writing is forever scarred onto your skin until you meet face to face)
Word Count: 2741
Warnings: angst and language throughout, seizure/medical complications
Notes: This was supposed to be for @sorryimacrapwriter and their challenge like a year ago, I think? I still loved the prompt though and have been working on this story for quite some time. This aesthetic was made by @dontshootmespence, thank you so much! Beta’d by @like-a-bag-of-potatoes, couldn’t have done it without you, as well as @carryonmyswansong and @arrow-guy and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo
Also, I’ve never really liked the whole soulmate AU thing idea, but this felt so right and it was amazing to write. I hope y’all love it too!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Over a month had gone by since Stephen so painfully sent you away. Your work had picked up after a week and you went back to business as usual. You fell back into your role in the mansion quickly and easily and when no one was around, that's when you let yourself grieve the loss of your love with Stephen.
It was getting slightly better with time. And a large part of that was due to Charles. He was practically worshiping you every day. He surprised you with flowers quite a bit, cooked for you every now and then, took you to restaurants, made picnics. He bought you a few pieces of art you'd been eyeing. He even gave you foot rubs after the end of your long days.
He was your saving grace.
The two of you felt as if time hadn't passed at all for you. There was no lull in returning to your romantic lives together. You still loved him with all of your heart and nothing had changed that, not even the issues with Stephen.
One day, while you were working on a report for work, you got a call. You frowned, not recognizing the number, but picked it up anyway.
"Hello?"
"Y/N? It's Wong. How are you?"
"I'm fine, Wong, how are you?" you wondered, extremely worried as to why he was calling. You told him only to call you if there were issues with Stephen.
"I'm okay, but Strange isn't. He's... Well he's not himself."
"Isn't that a good thing?" you joked.
Of course, Wong didn't respond with any kind of laughter.
"In this case, no," he informed.
"Why? What's wrong?"
"Well he took the position as protector of the New York Sanctum."
"Mhm."
"He's doing that fine, he's just not... You might just want to see for yourself."
"Wong, I told you to call for emergencies. If he's just in a bad mood--"
"He won't talk," he said. "He always had something to say before. Some joke, some horrible crack to make. Now, he doesn't speak. He talks to me about the sanctum, but that's it."
You frowned. That was unusual.
"I'd like to help, Wong, I would, but Stephen cast me out. He doesn't want me around."
"I don't know what he told you before, but he lied. The moment you left, it was like someone drained the life force out of him. I've been sending him new books to learn, to keep up with his training, but when I check in on him, it's like he's in a fog. He hasn't read, or what he has read, he doesn't retain."
You chewed on your lip. "Okay, I'll see what I can do. New York sanctum?"
"Yes, he's there 24/7, never leaves."
-------------------------
You got home that night and Charles greeted you cheerily, as he always did. Kissing you sweetly before showing you to the dinner he had made. Hank was working late tonight out at a military base.
"I got a call today," you informed as you began to pick around the roast beef on your plate.
"Oh? Who from?"
"Wong."
Charles stilled momentarily, and he hoped you didn't catch it, but you did. He went back to eating.
"What'd he have to say?"
"He wants me to come see Stephen."
Charles put his fork down and gave you his full attention. "Has something happened? Is he alright?" he asked, concerned.
"I think he's okay mentally. He told me that I suppose he can't focus, that he's a bit of an emotional wreck." You sounded almost confused. "Why, I don't know, he's the one that sent me away."
"Do you want to go to him?" he asked softly.
You chewed your lip. "I don't know. Yes, and no. I want to see him. I want to make him feel better. I want to talk about why he was cruel. But I also can't take it again if he just turns me away, if he's as hateful as he always is when it comes to me."
"You know I support you either way?" he said as he reached across the table and held your hand.
You nodded, fighting back tears. "I know, and I love you for it."
"What does your gut say?" he inquired, staring at you with those dreamy blue eyes that made you melt.
"I feel like I want to see him, but..."
"But what? Talk to me," he urged.
You pressed your lips together, worried about what you were about to tell him. "I love him too. I don't want to have to choose."
He nodded. "I know, my dove. While I would be over the moon if you were mine, and mine alone, I also understand that the universe has granted you two souls to love, and two souls to love you back. When you made visits to me from Nepal, that felt quite alright. Of course I'd rather have you here, but if you need to split your time between us, I understand and support that."
Happy tears went down your cheek as you peered at him.
"Thank you so much."
"Of course, darling. I would never, ever, make you choose. Whatever your heart desires, it's yours."
You got up and went to hug him. He hugged you back, tightly, pulling you into his lap. You were crying, kissing him, and hugging him. The stars truly blessed you when you got Charles Xavier as your mate.
The next morning, you decided to make your way into the city to see Stephen. You had no idea what you'd find, what you would say or do, what he would say or do. All you wanted to ask, was why he made you leave, so forcefully, when everything seemed so perfect.
While you were driving to the sanctum, you were white knuckling the whole way. You were so nervous about seeing him again, nervous that he'd turn you away.
You arrived at the sanctum, sucking in a breath before knocking. You could feel yourself break out in a cold sweat, your heart hammering in your chest.
The door opened and you saw Stephen. His eyes narrowed quickly, taken aback by your presence.
He looked so much more beautiful than you remembered. His cuts from the fight had healed. Surprisingly, when you saw him, happiness flooded you. You didn't think that would happen.
"Y/N?"
"Hi, Stephen. Can I come in?" you asked.
"Uh, sure." He moved out of the way and invited you in, where you stood at the bottom of those large stairs.
"I see you got the place all cleaned up," you remarked.
"Yeah, uh, Wong helped. Mordo quit the program. After he learned about the Ancient One's power, he felt like he'd been lied to," he informed.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. But you're sticking around?"
"I am. I had an encounter that made me see that you and Christine were right about me saving lives that doesn't require a medical degree."
You smiled slightly. "I'm glad to hear that. Whatever makes you happy. Um, Kaecilius, is he?"
"Dead. Him and his followers. We sort of gave them up to Dormammu."
"That dark entity? You encountered him?"
He gave a slight laugh. "That's one way to put it, yeah."
"What happened?" you inquired, pressing him for more information.
"Long story short, we went to Hong Kong. I had to use the eye of Agmatto to turn back time, to fix things, to bring Wong back. We realized that if we did that though, we'd only have to keep fighting Kaecilius. So, we went after the source, or rather, I did."
You took a step closer to him. "Stephen, what did you do?"
He took a deep breath, his eyes staring into yours. "I faced Dormammu."
"You did what?" you gasped. "How--How did you survive? What did you do? Jesus, Stephen."
"You used to have so much faith in me," he quipped with a smirk.
"And I still do, but I don't approve of anyone putting themselves in the line of danger."
"I had to."
"What'd you do?"
"I... I created a time loop, and trapped him in it endlessly. He killed me, over, and over, but the time loop reset. Basically, I annoyed him so much that he agreed to leave Earth alone."
"That sounds about right. You pestering a dark entity so much that they beg you to leave them alone. Only the great Dr. Stephen Strange could do that." You gave a weak smile. "What did the Ancient One do? Was she helpful? Did she give you the idea to do that or...?"
"She... she died. We were fighting Kaecilius and she fell from a great height and hit the ground. She died before we ever went to Hong Kong to fight. She was the reason I decided to stick around, do something more meaningful with my life."
"I see... I'm so sorry. I'm sure that wasn't easy," you said, starting to reach towards him but then you began to lower your arm.
He grabbed your hand and held it in his. "I've missed you," he suddenly confessed.
"And I you."
In a shaky voice, he said, "I missed you so much, I, uh, I came to visit you."
"Was I not home?"
"Uh, you didn't know I came by," he informed. "I used my astral form."
You nodded slowly. "You spied on me?"
"No, not quite. I just... I came by to make sure you were okay. I went once to your work. I went another time to your home."
"You did? But why?"
"Because I missed you so much," he said, his voice thick as tears came to his eyes. He smiled down at you before his hand came up to rest against your neck, his thumb stroking your chin. "I'm so sorry I invaded your privacy, I just had to see you. I had to know how you were doing."
You let out a sigh. "And what did you find?"
He let out a bit of a sigh, the tears now rolling down his cheeks. "I saw you, standing at your bedroom window. It was pouring down rain. Charles was in bed, fast asleep. You were standing at the window, talking to yourself."
You sighed, your own tears now. You remembered that night.
"What... what did you hear?" you managed to ask before taking a deep breath.
"I heard you asking yourself why I made you leave. I heard you asking why I didn't want you any more. I heard you asking what you'd done. I heard you churning it over and over in my mind what happened. It broke my heart to see you that way. To see what I'd done to you."
You took a deep breath. "Uh, um, but if you have missed me, why did you leave me? Why did you kick me out of your life?" you asked, shaking your head. "I mean if it really killed you to see me that way, why not just come visit me in your normal body and talk to me? Tell me what happened? How do you go from telling me I was just one giant distraction to caring about me? You told me you wanted him out of your life and then you come and see me? That doesn't make any sense. What did I do wrong?"
"Nothing," he assured, smiling at me as he cried. Both of his hands were resting on either side of your face. "You did absolutely nothing wrong. You did everything right. That was the problem."
You were crying more now, shaking your head. "I don't understand."
"I... I pushed you away because I saw you almost die, protecting me. You almost died because of a situation I put us directly in. You were pinned to the floor by a blade. You bled out and passed out next to me. You carried me to a hospital to my ex lover. You put everything aside, just to protect and save me. When I saw you and I saw how determined you were to get back and help me, but I felt so responsible. I had to kill a man to protect both of us. You nearly died. I didn't want that again. I don't want to put you in that position, ever again."
"I'd do it, happily, though," you informed, staring up at him.
"I know," he said, laughing slightly. "That's what the issue is. You're so ready to do so much for everyone else, and I can't risk that."
You looked down, feeling your heart break all over again.
"But I can't live without you either," he said, dipping his face slightly so he could see your eyes.
You looked up at him, surprised. "Me either. I've been thinking about you non-stop. For the life of me, I can't figure it out but I miss your smart-assed comments."
"Y/N, I love you."
"I love you," you said.
The two of you searched each other's eyes before you threw your arms around his neck and you collided your lips with his. Feeling alive again at the feeling of it. He kissed you back fervently, holding you close to him.
"Be with me," he requested when he let you go.
You nodded, feeling a light growing inside you. "I can do that. That's easy. Charles already said that he doesn't mind sharing if that's what I want."
He shook his head. "No, I-- I mean just be mine."
You took a step back from him. "Stephen, I--"
"Hear me out," he begged. "What if... What if the universe got it wrong? What if Charles isn't your soulmate? Or what if he's supposed to be your first but I'm supposed to be your last? Maybe there's a reason he and I showed up at the times we did."
"I--I don't think..." You shook your head, letting go of him. "No, that can't be right. It's not right," you affirmed.
"How do you know that? You don't. No one knows anything about having duel soulmates - no one. It is completely unique to you."
"Yeah maybe the phenomenon, but not how I feel. Soulmates or not, I am still very much in love with Charles, just as much as I love you. I can't choose between you, please don't make me. Charles isn't. Don't make me do that... I can't."
"But don't you see? What if this is the way it's supposed to be?" he pleaded, getting closer to you again, putting his hand behind your head. "What if Charles was your beginning, and I respect that, I do, but what if I'm your end?"
You shook your head.
"I don't know. I can't..."
"You can't say one way or the other if that's what it's supposed to be."
All you could do was panic, feeling trapped. What if he was right? What if you were just tied to Charles from all the history you had? Of course you still loved him. You were just as in love as before. Was it even possible that they weren't supposed to occupy your life at the same time? Maybe you weren't supposed to choose. Maybe you were supposed to move on.
But that just didn't feel right. You felt happiest when you had them both in your life.
"Stephen, I... I'm so sorry, but I just don't believe that. I love you, I do, but I can't choose, I won't choose. Charles is okay with sharing me, so either you are okay too or..." You trailed off, making the implication clear.
He let go of you, stepping back, he still held onto your hands, but barely as he continued to put more distance between you two.
"Then I can't do this," he said sorrowfully. "I can't have it both ways. I just want you all to myself, so if you can't give me that..."
"You'd rather not have me at all than share me?" you asked in shock, gasping from the pain.
"I'm sorry, but I want all of you. I don't want to have to fight for your attention."
"You wouldn't."
"That's how it would feel." He picked up your hands, bringing both to his lips, kissing them. "I'm so sorry, Y/N. I love you. Please come see me again if you change your mind."
He let you go and walked away, leaving you standing alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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#the stars made us#charles xavier x reader#stephen strange x reader#charles xavier#stephen strange fic#charles xavier fic#stephen strange
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Y/N and the Giant Pumpkin
~Pairings: Carol Danvers/fem!reader
~Warnings: language and fluff (maybe a little suggestive somewhere)
~Word count: 785
~Summary: Just a typical day at Hogwarts with your girlfriend Carol and your best friend, Natasha.
~Authors note: It’s unholy week day 1!! I was inspired to write some special one shots for the week of Halloween. Some are a tad scary, fluffy and mostly smutty (first two days are pg 👀) All under or around 2k words. Shout out to @fun-sized-widow-bites for vamping up my banner into a dope flashing gif 😘 Day 1- Harry Potter themed! Hope y’all enjoy!
~Other works on my Masterlist. (I will make a Masterlist for this special week once it is completed.)
---------- ︽✵︽----------
You were on your way to potions when you turn a corner and run right into a giant pumpkin.
“What the fuck?!” Your nose is throbbing as you hear laughter come from behind the beast. Carol makes her way around the pumpkin in her Gryffindor robes.
“Babe, you should’ve seen your face!” You huff as you straighten your own robes.
“What are you doing, Carol? Why is there a giant pumpkin here?” She gives you a quick kiss on the cheek before leaning against the giant eye sore.
“Well tonight is date night, Y/N. It is also only a week away from the hauntingly beautiful day known as Halloween. So I thought we could make the biggest jack o lantern then make it float around and scare first years.” You roll your eyes at her ridiculous prank idea.
“You know, I think you just want to see me in almost nothing.” Carol raises an eyebrow at the idea.
“What exactly do you mean by almost nothing?” You blush slightly at the suggestive tone.
“Well I wouldn’t want to wear much otherwise it would be ruined by pumpkin guts. So I’ll probably just wear my bathing suit.” Carol stands up straight and wraps her arms around your waist. You wrap yours around her neck as her lips find yours in a kiss. You were about to deepen the kiss when you feel a splash of cold water hit you in the face. You pull away from the kiss with a yelp. You look to your right and find the culprit with her wand out.
“Natasha!” The Slytherin girl smirks at your now wet self, putting her wand away.
“Hey there, love birds. We’re going to be late to Snape's class. Let’s go, come on. Hands off, Danvers.” Carol reluctantly pulls away from you and glares at Natasha.
“You’re such a cock block, Nat.” You blush profusely as Natasha laughs hysterically.
“As if you were about to get laid! Y/N has class, she would never miss a class just to hook up.” You look away as Carol snickers.
“You don’t know her very well, Nat. My baby’s got some adventure in her.” Natasha looks at you with wide eyes.
“You’re my nerdy best friend! What the hell, Y/N?! You will tell me everything later.” She chuckles as she pinches your red cheeks. You slap her hands away and grab Carol’s hand.
“Come on, Tasha. We’re going to be late. Oh are you free tonight?” Natasha falls into step next to you as you make your way to class.
“I mean, yeah. Wanda’s on a trip to Hogsmeade for the weekend. What’s up?” Carol chuckles and squeezes your hand.
“Wanna gut and carve up a pumpkin?” You see Natasha’s eyes light up at the idea.
“You’re scaring me, Tasha.” She hums and pokes your cheek.
“Does this have to do with that big pumpkin you were about to scar forever with your PDA?” You laugh as Carol rolls her eyes.
“That pumpkin would have been blessed, Romanoff.” Natasha smirks back at Carol and pulls out her wand.
“Silencio.” Once the spell was muttered Carol’s mouth closed right up, preventing her from speaking. She immediately drops your hand and dives to tackle Natasha. They wrestle around for awhile before Natasha decides to reverse the spell. You chuckle and roll your eyes at their antics.
“Natasha, you bitch! You know casting spells on other students are against the rules!” Natasha laughs loudly as Carol’s neck vein pops out. You bite your lip and grab Carol’s arm pulling her towards you before she can jump Nat again.
“Come on, baby. We’re going to be late. You can spill pumpkin guts all over her later, okay?” Natasha stops her laughter to glare at you.
“You better not even think about doing that, Danvers.” Carol smirks and slings her arm around your neck.
“I would never, Romanoff.” You begin walking again making Carol move with you. Natasha shakes her head and mumbled to herself before running to catch up with you two. You smile as Carol kisses your cheek.
“I cannot wait to see her face when she’s covered in pumpkin guts. Thanks for the idea, baby.”
“Anytime, love.” You three barely make it to class on time. As you’re sitting down you can feel Snape’s glare on you making you shiver in slight fear. Your seat is right next to Carol’s and you quickly open your textbook, ready for anything.
“Today we will be learning how to brew a potion to make objects explode. Open your books to page 394.” You hear Carol snicker at the lesson and you giggle along knowing Natasha is in for quite the evening.
---------- ︽✵︽----------
Carol taglist: @fun-sized-widow-bites
Forever taglist: @cheethos, @domromanoff, @stuckys-whore , @marilynroselleprentiss , @captainwonderwidow , @kello-unknown , @lildoughnut0 , @kdragonwrestling
#Carol Danvers#carol danvers x fem!reader#carol danvers x reader#Captain Marvel#brie larson x reader#brie larson x fem!reader#Brie Larson#unholy week#marvel
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belonging
summary: Life was wonderful for you and steve but when the opportunity to go back arises... does he take it?
word count: 1.9k (something slight)
pairings: steve x black!reader
warnings: y’all have a son, angst af, jumps right in
a/n: been thinking about this for a long ass time and needed to get it out.
——————-
You knew what the words meant when they were spoken. You held your son, Eli, in your hands and you didn’t want to make a scene in front of him, he just wanted to see time travel happen before his four year old eyes.
“Y-you’re kidding right?,” you felt your chest tighten so much, you thought you were going to have to call for medical attention, “Sam, take Eli inside... now.”
Sam didn’t argue. He knew what was about to go down.
“We did not go through all of this for you to just fucking leave... especially your son, Steve!,” you wanted to keep your voice down you really did.
“It’s not like that, Y/N. You don’t understand,”
He had the be kidding right? No way he was really thinking about leaving you just to live out his glory days and for another woman.
“You can’t be s- you know what?,” you turn to Bruce and shrug, “fucking send him. If you don’t care to stay here for me or our son, then I don’t care enough to try to fight for you to stay,”
Steve gave you a somber look, you told Bruce to just push the fucking button. You felt sick to your stomach, you couldn’t even bear to look at him.
“What am I gonna tell Eli?,” you whimpered to yourself. Bucky came over to stand by you, he wanted to comfort you, but he knew you wouldn’t allow it.
“Alright, 3...2...1,” Bruce hit a button and Steve was gone. A gut wrenching sob left and you turned to Bucky, “How the fuck am I supposed to tell my son that we weren’t good enough for his father?,”
“It’s not like that,” Bucky tried to reason. But you weren’t having it. How else was it supposed to be.
“I can’t bear to look at you either. How dare you defend this?,” you storm away inside and grab Eli in your arms, sobbing. Sam didn’t know what to say to make it better.
“Mommy, why are you crying? Where’s daddy?,”
“I- I don’t think... he’s coming back,”
—————
Eli was heartbroken. He cried himself to sleep, he wouldn’t leave your arms. You cried along with him. Held him tight, and whimpered through the nightmares.
You were shaken awake, it was Sam, “I need you to come here,”
Eli stirred awake in your arms and just looked at you, “Is daddy still gone?,”
“Yes, baby,” he whimpered at your reply but you had him curled in a throw blanket and he hid away in the crook of your neck.
You followed Sam into the living room and saw the golden haired man sitting on the couch.
“I hate him,” Eli cried. He didn’t even see Steve yet, he was just talking. He was so hurt. An impressionable little boy whose dad left him.
“Y/N,” Steve stood up and stepped toward you, only for you to take a big step back.
“Take him to the play room,” you told Sam. He simply nodded and Eli curled right into his Uncle Sammy.
It just left you and Steve standing in the middle of the living room.
“Were we not enough for you?,” that’s the main question you had on your mind. That’s all you wanted to know, “He cried himself to sleep for you,”
Steve’s heart skipped a beat and his chest hurt worse than any wound.
“Do you know how hard it was to hear him scream for you?,”
Steve watched a tear drop drip down to the tip of your nose, “Steve, he was in a type of pain that I didn’t know how to fix. Fuck how I feel, how could you do that to my son!,”
You didn’t even say ‘our’- he wanted to leave, he didn’t get that privilege of calling himself a father.
“You have to believe me it’s not like that, Y/N,”
“Then fucking enlighten me, Steve,”
“You’re both more than enough-,” he’s cut off by a scoff from you
“If that’s the truth then that thought shouldn’t have even crossed your mind if you truly loved us,”
He knew you were right but how does he explain these feelings to you?
“It’s not like that,”
“Well to me it looks like you still love her,” if looks could kill, he’d drop dead right there.
“I don’t feel like I’m good enough for you!,” he blurted out and you two are left standing there in a huge awkward silence. He raised his voice, and Steve never raises his voice.
“What-,”
“I don’t feel like I’m good enough for you,” he sighs defeated, “I feel out of place all the time. You run circles around her, no doubt, Y/N but-,”
Steve felt conflicted. He didn’t know if this was resolving the situation at all or making it worse. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream. So much shit has gone down these past few years and he’s suffering from survivors guilt. Everything is in shambles for him.
“Our son is a gift! A miracle! A top tier blessing. But in that split second of taking those stones back- I felt responsible for so many things going wrong. I felt like I dragged you into all of this mess and caused you all this pain and I felt like had I not been in the picture, things would be better,”
Steve suffered from self-esteem issues. He hated himself sometimes, he blamed himself for a lot of things. He couldn’t stand to look at himself most days. He hid behind a facade and here it is breaking down, he’s letting himself be vulnerable.
“What?,” you wrap your arms around yourself. Confusion written all over your face. Steve stuffed his hands in his pockets and sighed, so disappointed in himself again, just another thing added to the long list.
“You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. Screw the serum, screw the world knowing my name- that doesn’t compare to you and the life we built,” he looked up at the ceiling, trying to stop the tears, “If I can prevent you and our baby from getting hurt then I’m going to do whatever it takes,”
“You don’t get to make that choice,” you wiped your face and turn your back to him, “You should have talked to me, to our baby boy. I knew what I was getting myself into when you asked me out on a date, I knew what I got myself into when you asked me to be your girlfriend. When you asked me to move in, when you asked me to marry you, when I stood in front of you at the altar and said I do!,”
Turning around on the heels of your feet, hands animated as you went on your tangent. He could see how tired your eyes looked, veins heavy and bright red, cheeks chaffed from wiping tears.
“I knew what I was getting into when I told you I was pregnant. God, we survived the snap for crying out loud, twice! Steve, I’m not going anywhere and it hurts to hear you say you were going to back and leave us- to reverse everything we have now,”
He didn’t want to be selfish. He thought he was doing the right thing for you two. He’s given you a look you’ve never seen before. Such conflict and hurt.
“I never meant to hurt you,” shaking his head defiantly, “But I can’t help but have this burden that I put you both through so much,”
You just shake your head, he should have known that if it was such a problem, you would have been gone a long ass time ago.
“Steve, Eli loves his dad. He didn’t see any of it as you hurting him or putting him through nothing. His dad is a hero and that’s all he sees! His dad protecting him and his mommy,”
You wanted to go back to Eli and just hold him, love him, let him know everything is going to be okay.
Steve sits down and holds his head, thinking deeply how this all had caused to hurt he wanted to avoid in the first place, “I just want you two to be absolutely safe... I don’t know what I’d do if I lost one of you,”
“You almost lost us both,” you pointed out, you didn’t want to patronize him, but it was true. “I think the worst has already come and we survived it all. We’re still here, Steve. If anything would have happened, it would have happened during the New York attack, or Ultron, we would have been dusted but we fought and fought, Steve. We’re okay,”
He got the guts to look at you and saw that you were right. He was stupid to think going back would make things better
“Now go see your son,”
———
He had to work up the courage to walk into the playroom to see his son. He heard his son say he hated him.
He stood in the doorway and saw how Eli cried in Sam’s arms. Sam trying to comfort the young boy as best as he could.
“Why’d daddy leave? Is it my fault?,”
Steve held in a sob as he heard his son’s words, “No Eli, it’s not your fault at all, I’m not going anywhere, I’m here” Steve hiccuped. He saw Eli tense up in Sam’s arms.
Eli sits up and glares at Steve. Lips trembling and fists clenched, “But you thought about it! And left us! So just go back!,” his little voice cracked and Steve shook his head. Seeing the look of our hatred in his son’s eyes shattered the world around him. Eli buries his face in Sam’s shoulders and cries harder than he’s ever cried.
Steve stepped into the room and came close to his son. Kneeling and resting an arm on himself, “But i didn’t want to go, that’s why I’m here now. It was a bad choice and I regret it so much. I never meant to hurt you, I love you more than life itself, you’re my son.”
Eli hiccups and shakes his head, “You don’t love me,”
“Eli, I love you so much it hurts. I thought me leaving would be better for you and mommy because I felt I hurt you enough. I don’t know how to explain it but, I thought it would be better for you guys rather than me cause more but it looks like I already did that,” he didn’t want his some hating him, not at all. He just wanted his son to understand, “I just love you so much,”
Eli heard his dad’s sniffling and mewling. He didn’t want his dad to be sad, but he definitely wanted him to know the damage he caused.
“You promise,”
“A thousand times,” he takes his son from Sam’s arms and Sam takes it upon himself to finally depart and give the two some space, Steve kisses his son’s head over and over, “I’m not going anywhere. I promise you,”
He hated that he made is son so upset. He swore to never do it. Eli was a miracle and he swore to always treat him as such. It took so long for you and Steve to finally have him- and he was born in the midst of the whole Thanos mess. He’d never let himself live this down.
“I’m so sorry. Dad is staying right here. I could never leave you or mommy...I just felt bad for bringing you all into this and I wanted to make it right,”
“I love you, dad,” Eli practically choked Steve with his death grip of a hug but Steve was okay with it.
He’s spend a lot of time making this up to them, but he’d do anything for you two. Moving forward was the only way to make things right.
——————
Alright here’s another angst fic for you, I couldn’t help it.
Comments and reblogs are always appreciated!!!!
tags- @blackreaders-assemble @mbaku-babygirl @dumbchick @warmchick @vozit @veryhellshdia @valkyriesnymph @valentinevirgo @persephones24 @here-for-your-bullshit @retroxvailles @yournonlocalpoc @spideys-wife @hisxblackxqueen @chonisberonica @xye-weirdo @crawlingnightmares @kamahriii @alyssaj23 @never-enough-time-for-sleep
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Braving the elements
(Bucky x OC and/or Bucky x reader)
Summary:
A mutant with elemental control flees her life of crime after an altercation with her boss. In hopes of bringing him down she seeks out her old friend Wanda and offers to help the Avengers. Whilst there a certain avengers catches her eye and she catches his. As a more sinister plot begins to reveal itself, you realize that your former employer is the least of your worries and that something wicked was being planned for you since the day you were born.
Warnings; Violence, Swearing, Theft
Author's note: First piece of non-academic writing I’ve done in a while so feedback is always appreciated, but be kind! I may change this to be a reader insert, but I just don’t like how (Y/n) looks in the writing. If y’all want it changed though let me know! Bucky makes his appearance in Chapter 4 so it’s a slow burn romance, but there’s gonna be fluff, angst and smut involved! Steve/Nat and Wanda/Vision are in it later as well, but I wanted to establish the main character a bit first as she’s the only one who's made up
Word Count: 2.0K
Act 1: Chapter 1: The Robbery
Songs inspiring this chapter
Ain’t no rest for the wicked – Cage the Elephant (Bank robbery)
Boss Bitch - Doja Cat (Fight with the avengers)
Monday 10 AM, N.Y.C
“This is it?” you ask, pulling your sunglasses down slightly in order to get a better view of the building standing before you.
“That’s the one.” Your getaway driver Calvin says into your ear piece, he’s a block away in the back of a white van waiting for the go ahead from the boss.
You squint as the sun hits your eyes, letting out a low whistle “Pretty fancy for a bank, you gonna tell me what I’m getting out of here?” you muse.
“That’s on a need to know basis sweetheart.” He responds flatly.
“Well sweetheart, hate to break it to ya, but I need to know!” you pause for a moment to see if you’ve managed to make him laugh “Seriously Calvin this is some of my best stuff!”
“God do you ever shut up, cameras and emergency buttons are down, you just have the guards to worry about now so get on with the job. Once you’re out make sure your face is covered. Do you have your mask with you? ”
“”You know as the person doing most of the brute work I think I deserve a little respect” you retort “Do I have my mask? Do you have your mask Calvin? God your infuriating!” you mutter, pulling out your “mandatory” earpiece and throwing it into a nearby gutter, before taking a quick glance in your purse just in case you had forgot.
Seeing the mask in its place, you pull your leather jacket over a white t-shirt and tighten your belt ensuring your shorts stay in place. Alright let’s do this you think with confidence before immediately tripping over your shoe laces and falling to the ground.
“God how embarrassing” you say slightly louder than you meant too. Pushing yourself onto one knee you tie your laces up and hop back on your feet “Alright let’s try this again.”
You walk through the sliding doors into the marbled interior of the bank, smiling as you pass by two security guards. One with a long mustache and another with a poorly done tattoo of a tiger on his bicep. You make note of the other two guards who were currently leaning up against the roman-esque columns lining the perimeter of the building. One was wearing sunglasses and the other was casually twirling a baton around.
“Hey, only four of you guys defending this whole building?” You inquire
“Ya sweetheart just the four of us, but don’t you worry we’ll keep ya safe” Tattoo replied with a smile and a slightly unnerving arm touch.
“Well thank goodness for that and god bless America!” you say sweetly grinning from ear to ear. Turning on your heel you head towards the counter ringing the bell twice before a woman in her mid-twenties appears from the back room and walks over to the counter. She’s wearing a name tag that reads Sandy.
“Hi there Sandy, how are you today?”
“I'm doing just fine thanks for asking and what can I do for you today?” She replied with a smile.
“I’m here to retrieve my belongings. Vault 176 here’s the key.” you say sliding it under the protective glass. Sandy smiles politely and walks into the backroom for a few minutes before emerging with a small box.
“Alright, I’m just going to need see some ID then your good to go ma’am”
“Well you see Sandy, I left it at home and my husband’s gonna kill me if I don’t get this back to him tonight could you do a gal a favour and just look the other way?” you plead
“I’m really sorry ma’am, but I just can’t do that.” Sandy replies sympathetically.
“Well I understand,” you say “Oh and Sandy, I’m sorry about this really I am”
“Sorry for what exactly ma’am?” she asks with a worried tone
“For this' ' you jump onto the counter and pull out a gun “Hi, yea, hello, people of the bank can I have your attention please? I just wanted to inform you all that I’m gonna be robbing this branch, but this does not mean it has to be a traumatic or unpleasant experience. I just need that box there and I don’t want anyone to get hurt, really I don’t. So if you could pretty please hand it over to me and any spare cash you have lying around this joint.”
Unfortunately, Tattoo, Mustache, Sunglasses, and Twirly were now approaching you with guns raised.
“Ma’am drop your weapon and put your hands where I can see them” demands Mustache
“C’mon sweetheart we both know you don’t know how to handle that thing.” Sunglasses says patronizingly
“Fine you got me glasses.” you pout “My little lady brain doesn’t know how to use a gun!” you exclaim before quickly throwing the gun at him, hitting him right in the head and knocking him out “ You’re supposed to throw the gun right?”
Mustache rushes towards you at full speed. Before he can reach you, you jump off the counter connecting the soles of your feet to his face knocking him down onto the floor unconscious. You land painfully on your hip feeling a bruise forming almost instantly.
The last two guards begin their approach. From the ground you kick Twirlys feet out from under him and jump to fight the baton out of his hand. Punching him in the throat you stand up and turn to knock tattoo, your least favorite of the four, right in the stomach with the baton. He doubles over in pain. Twirly tries to stand up, but you bring the top of your foot down on his neck causing him to drop, this time staying down. Bringing the same leg forward you knee tattoo in the nuts and feign a pained look as he topples over. Bending over you pick up the three guns now lying on the floor
“You know, you should really learn how to use these properly. Wouldn’t want you hurting anyone, especially yourselves.” You scold. The few people in the bank remained still and decided it was probably best to comply with you. You turn back to the counter now sweating, and Sandy hands you the box from the vault and a bag full of cash which she had filled during the beatdown.
“Thanks Sandy you’re a peach!”
Sandy looks at you pleadingly “Oh come on, we both know you ain’t gonna get fired because some lady came in and threatened you. If anything you should sue them, unsafe workplace and all” you offer sincerely with a shrug of your shoulders.
You gingerly step over the four guards lying on the floor and slip on your mask before exiting the bank.
Monday 10:25 AM Avengers Tower
A field agent runs into Tony’s office where he and Steve were working “Sir one of the downtown branches has been broken into!” he wheezes.
“And?” says Tony
“And you’re going to want to see this” He pulls up a video taken by one of the bystanders in the bank. The video depicts the scene of you beating up the four guards.
“You know who that is?” Steve asks Tony
“Never seen her before in my life, which is surprising considering how well she fights. Let’s get in for questioning. I'm a bit busy here so Steve if you wouldn’t mind.” He says turning back to his work.
“Peter, Wanda suit up, we’ve got a robbery to stop” Steve orders.
10:35 AM Downtown N.Y.C
God this mask is hot you think struggling to get the eyes hole in place as you approach the white van concealing Calvin’s whereabouts. Knocking three times he open the door and you
throw the small box from the vault up to him.
‘’What have I told you about taking out your ear piece?” he fumed “And what the hell is in that bag?” he shouts pointing to the large bag of cash you had grabbed.
“Money.” you say with a shrug of your shoulders.
“Last time I checked boss said no extra risks, he ain’t gonna be happy about this.”
“Well last time I checked he likes money” you respond causing Calvin to become even more agitated. As you turn to grab the money you see a ball of red light come hurling at you. You duck just in time.
“Shit, how the hell did the goddamn Avengers get here so fast?” Calvin shouts, you grab the money and throw it into the back of the van he extends his hand and you’re about to grab it when BAM something hits you in the back knocking you forward.
“Alright who the fuck threw a whole ass shield at me!” You yell more irritated that angry
“We gotta go c’mon Eve” Calvin pleads “Boss really ain’t gonna like this!”
“Screw that, this just got personal! Go, i’ll catch up” you promise turning and running towards the shield throwing culprit a.k.a Captain American. You kick him right in the gut having caught him slightly off-guard he doubles over. You remove your belt and wrap it around his neck pulling as hard as you can.
“Aren’t you supposed to be a superhero or something?“ you begin to ask, but before you can fish the sentence something slaps you in the back of the head pulling off your mask. You're thrown off the captains back.
“Shit!” you mumble before turning to see one of spidey kids webs still holding your mask.
You hear her before you see her “Chris?” you turn to see someone you hadn’t seen in years
“Wanda?” you blink a few times no it can’t be. Just then a truck skids up behind you and firm hands hoists you up
“We gotta go now!” Calvin says angrily, shooting suppressing fire out towards the three avengers.
“Chris!” Wanda yells again before throwing energy towards the truck. You pull the air around it and throw the energy back her way.
With Spiderkid and the captain still on your tail you decide to pull out a few of your old tricks. You pull the branch from a tree up and wrap it around the kids arm trapping him in the tree
“Um Mr. Rogers I’m down and out” he sighs.
“Two down one to go.” you focus on the captain who's now running through the street after you at superhuman speed. Lucky for you it had rained the day before on the street was full of puddles. Crouching down you turn the puddles to ice causing the captain to wipe out. Hard. Closing the doors of the van as It turns the corner you make your way back to your headquarters.
“They made me. Spider kid took my mask.” you whisper hoping Calvin doesn’t hear you
“He ain’t gonna be happy” he chastised.
“God you don’t think I already know that! At least we got the goods. He’s gonna be real happy about that!”
#bucky x oc#bucky x you#bucky x reader#buck barnes#avengers fanfiction#x men fanfiction#origin story#I SWEAR ITS A BUCKY FIC I JUST GOTTA SET UP MY CHARACTER
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The Brightest Colors Fill My Head
Word Count: 2,036
A/N: *reappears from the void I disappeared into to yeet 2k words of photophobic!Remy at you before disappearing again* I hope you guys like this! I had fun writing it, honestly. Aro!Virgil makes a brief appearance in this fic, but I swear I'm going to get around to finishing + posting his own fic. (Hopefully. Maybe. Hopefully.) I still can’t title, but what else is new?
Warnings: Deceit Sanders, hurt/comfort, photophobia, nothing else that I can think of? Please let me know if I need to add/remove anything!
Tag List: @pippippippin, @stormcrawler75, @a-cure-for-sentience
Virgil narrowed his eyes at the three people in front of him.
“No.” He said, getting ready to shut the door.
“Virgil! Panic at the Everywhere, my Dark and Stormy Knight, Winnie the Blue, Charlie Frown-” When it became clear that Roman wasn’t stopping on his own, Virgil let out an exasperated huff.
“Fine! If it’ll shut Princey up, y’all idiots can crash here.” Virgil sighed.
Patton cheered quietly, and for a moment Virgil was glad for having such good friends in his life. Not that they needed to know that. He had a reputation to keep. So-
“But don’t think that I don’t see right through you three. You’re not exactly subtle.”
“Whatever do you mean Virgil? We’re just friends here to hang with their friend at his house, as friends do.” Dee smirked at him, and nope. Virgil had changed his mind. He hated them all and didn’t need friends. He scrubbed a hand across his face as Roman and Patton squeezed past him, bumping hips and giggling.
///
“I really don’t need the company, guys.” Virgil felt like a broken record at this point, but Roman and Patton were setting up an honest to god blanket fort. And even Virgil had to have a limit. Because his friends were two year olds. Even Dee, the one who had most frequent possession of the (single, solitary,) brain cell between the three, was helping their boyfriends arrange couch cushions just right.
“This is the fun part, Emo Nightmare.” Roman quipped playfully, unfazed by the patented Death Glare Virgil had fixed on him. Patton crawled out from under the roof of blankets (Virgil honestly doesn’t remember owning that many blankets. Maybe Patton was some sort of god of comfort and coziness in disguise and had blanket multiplying powers.) Patton gently steered him into the kitchen as Dee and Roman started squabbling over the remote. (Two year olds, truly. Virgil would kill them if they broke his remote.)
Patton parked himself in front of the counter and set his Dad Face on Virgil. Virgil knew what that face meant. It was “are you ok?” and “spill the beans” and “I’m here for you” all in one face and Virgil ran his fingers through his hair in distress. Patton was too damn kind for his own good, and Virgil wondered how he had ended up with someone like Patton in his life.
He briefly debated sitting down at the counter with Patton and spilling his guts to him, but the moment was fleeting. Really, he didn’t want to talk about it. He opened his mouth to tell Patton just that when a clatter came from the doorway.
Virgil was out of the kitchen immediately, scolding on the tip of his tongue, -“I’m too young to be a father and you’re too old to be such children and Dee I will not hesitate.”- but Roman and Dee were poking their heads out of the blanket fort, just as confused, before a figure clad in a leather jacket and shredded jeans appeared in the doorway, and Remy tumbled right into his apartment.
“Remy?” Virgil’s voice was confusion, changing to concern when Remy makes a pained noise and presses his hands to the side of his head.
“Shit. Roman, Patton, Dee, turn off the lights and shut the blinds.” The three shared a concerned look before snapping into action. Virgil was obviously concerned, and a concerned Virgil was a force to be dealt with.
“Rem?” Virgil pitched his voice softer as he approached his friend and pulled him into the apartment, cupping his face. “Where are your glasses, Remy?”
“Broke,” Remy whispered, pressing his face into Virgil’s shoulder. Virgil cupped the back on his neck and hummed in response.
Roman, Patton, and Dee were now hovering awkwardly nearby, having finished doing what Virgil asked. Remy’s body language had relaxed slightly now that the lights in the apartment had been dimmed, but it was still the middle of a sunny Florida day, and there was plenty of light to be found, sneaking its way in around curtains and between blind slats.
Virgil let Remy stay where he was, pressing his face into his hoodie and white-knuckling the fabric. Virgil tried to subtly gesture to the others to give them space - excuse themselves to the kitchen or something - but he didn’t want to disturb Remy.
Roman, bless his heart, finally got the message and pulled his partners away, pushing them into the kitchen and shushing Dee’s indignant hiss.
“I got you Remy, it’s ok. We’re gonna go to my bedroom now, ok? It’ll be darker in there.”
He didn’t get a response from Remy beyond the slight loosening of the death grip he had on his jacket. Together, they shuffled to Virgil’s bedroom. Virgil kept Remy’s head tucked into his shoulder, and shut the door as gently as possible. He left Remy standing in the middle of the room, heels of his hands pressed against his eyes, as he quickly pulled the heavy curtains over the windows, the room darkening immediately.
Remy flopped onto Virgil's bed, pressing his face into the pillow. Virgil placed a cool hand on the back of his neck. “I’m going to get you some painkillers. Be right back.”
Virgil slipped out of the room, trying to keep as much light out as possible. When he entered the kitchen, he saw Roman, Patton, and Dee all sitting at his counter, varying degrees of concern and confusion on each of their faces. Dee stood and made their way to Virgil.
“Is everything ok? Remy seemed to be in intense distress.” Their brow was knitted in concern. Virgil blew his bangs out of his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.
“He will be. Remy has photophobia; light really hurts his eyes. That’s why he wears sunglasses all the time. He told me they were broken, I don’t know how long he was walking outside until he got here but it did a number on him.”
Virgil pulled a glass out from a cabinet and filled it up with water before turning back to the others. He gave Patton a squeeze on the arm.
“Don’t worry Pat, you can smother Remy with love and adopt him into your circle of kiddos soon.”
And with that he exited, leaving the three in his kitchen. Hopefully, he thought, they wouldn't burn down the place while he was with Remy.
•••
Virgil took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dark of his room. Remy was still face down on the bed, but he flipped his wrist in an attempt at a wave when Virgil entered. He sat down next to him, and the two of them were quiet.
After an indeterminate amount of time, Remy rolled onto his back and blinked up at the ceiling.
“How you doing there Starbuck?”
“Everything’s fuzzy and I have a headache.” Remy’s eyes flicked over to Virgil and he smirked. “I was too fabulous so God nerfed me by making me allergic to light.” Virgil gently socked him in the arm.
“Little did she know that she only heightened your power by giving you sunglasses.” Remy snickered and reached up to rub at his forehead with a slight wince. Virgil handed him the painkillers and glass of water, which he accepted gratefully. Virgil paused for a moment before turning and rifling through his nightstand, returning with a pair of sunglasses. Remy took them too, and despite the darkness of the room, put them on.
Satisfied that his friend was as comfortable as he could make him, Virgil flopped down next to him. The two stared up at the ceiling together in comfortable silence.
“What are Gay, Gay, and Gayest doing here?”
Virgil sighed.
“I told Logan how I wanted to be his QPP. They're here for support.”
“Damn gurl, really?” Remy's arched eyebrow was evident in his voice.”What'd he say?”
“He said ‘Thank you.’”
Remy rolled on to his stomach, and Virgil felt the bed shift.
“‘Thank you.’?” Remy's tone was incredulous and held barely concealed laughter. “Oh my God, you two really are made for each other. Dumb gay fools.”
Virgil reached blindly for his friend so he could slap the laughter out of his voice.
“Shut up, I hate you. He said thank you, and told me he needed to gather his thoughts, and then he wandered off.”
Remy sobered and sat up on his forearms. Virgil ignored him and stared up at the ceiling.
“I'm not worried.” Virgil said. “You know Logan, feelings aren't his strong suit. I'm letting him work it out before he comes to me.” A pause. “I'm not worried.”
Remy gave him a pat on his head.
“Sure you aren't V,” He said fondly, and Virgil looked up at him with a lopsided smile.
“Well, if you're prying into my business and snarking at me, I'm guessing you're feeling better?”
Another gentle shove from Remy.
“I know you're deflecting, because you want Lolo to be the space to your ace and you don't want to talk about it; but yes, I think the painkillers are kicking in. The dark is nice too.”
Virgil blushed at the reference to Logan (because he did, very much, want Logan to return his feelings.) He opened his mouth to respond, but Remy flapped his hand at him.
"Hush, Vee. I'll stop pushing." Remy gave Virgil's head a pat again, and Virgil rolled away with a hiss, making Remy laugh.
The two of them laid in the dark, quietly, and Virgil felt himself drifting to sleep when the quiet was interrupted by a knock on the door.
“Did the disaster gays out there order pizza?” Remy asked.
Virgil shrugged and rolled off the bed.
“If they did, save some for me!” He called as Virgil left the bedroom and walked towards the door.
“Guys, you don't live here, you can't just order pizza whenever you want-”
It wasn't a pizza man at the door.
It was Logan.
Virgil's heart stopped in his chest.
“Virgil, what are you hollering abo- oh!” Dee stuck their head out from the kitchen, but smiled and ducked back out after seeing who Virgil was talking to.
“Virgil. Is this - I didn't mean to intrude. I just, well, I think I reacted poorly earlier. The truth is, I have been harboring feelings for you for quite some time, but I wanted to respect your boundaries. So when you told me how you felt earlier today...to quote Roman I entered “gay panic” mode.”
Here Logan paused to fidget with the fidget cube in his hand, and Gods above Virgil was so fond of this man.
“I would love to be your QPP, Virgil.”
Virgil made a sound like a dying cat.
How endearing. He thought wryly.
Logan, bless him, let Virgil stand there with his mouth open like a fish before finally coming to his sense and snapping it shut.
“Logan, that's - I mean - I'm so happy.”
Logan smiled that beautiful smile at him and pocketed the cube.
“Fucking finally!”
“Roman! Language!”
Virgil and Logan both blushed.
“You have company, I should go-”
Virgil was about to ask him to stay when a voice hollered from his bedroom.
“Gurl, if you don't invite that boy in for dinner I'm disowning you!”
Virgil smiled sheepishly up at Logan.
“Sorry. I'd say my apartment isn't always like this, but it is. It's kinda the landing place for everyone. You're more than welcome to stay for dinner, it'll probably just be Chinese takeout and my friends are all here and they're sure to pester you with questions-”
“Virgil,” Logan cut him off with a smile. “I would love to stay.”
He opened the door all the way.
“Well then, I guess you're meeting the family tonight.”
Logan stepped into the apartment, the door closing behind him. But anyone who had x-ray vision, or perhaps was an omnipotent narrator, would be able to see Logan settling down on the couch that Virgil got from his brother Thomas, see Roman, Patton, and Dee tumbling out of the kitchen to pepper him with questions, see Virgil smiling from over the top of his laptop at them as he ordered their dinner.
They would see the happiness of family, family that was found, family that was made.
And you didn't need x-ray vision to feel the love pouring from the very foundations of the home.
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what are your favorite writers and your top favorite works from them?? like a top ten
I saw this ask in the middle of work and I wanted to scream aksldfjalks I’m gonna tell you rn that I got really overwhelmed with the amount of authors that have earned a spot in my top favs that I actually cut this to just the authors that I have most recently visited (this counts as returning multiple times to reread a certain fic… which happens… a lot)
@arckook Ria is one of the first authors I ever read from for k-pop fanfiction. Until Ria, I was just highkey on that Haikyuu volleyball gays/imagines and I’d like to believe that she was one of the main reasons why I began to invest myself heavily into the kpop fandom. I’m always amazed with each piece she releases. Her style is so unique and hypnotizing. There’s a big section in my heart reserved just for Ria that I don’t have enough words to convey. plz support. plz love. she’s the best
- To The Stars (Jungkook, BTS): Zombie Apocalypse AU, Enemies to Lovers AU, series, violence, angst, drama
This read is not for the light hearted. You have been warned. You will sob hysterically. You will feel rage seep into your bones. You will punch a hole in your screen. MC is an entire badass, but so broken and vulnerable; somehow she manages to keep herself together and carry on. Even when she hates Jungkook with every cell in her body, she makes sure to keep him alive, watch his six, just as he does for her. There’s only a handful of works that have kept me as heavily invested and on my toes every step of the way. And that list begins with To The Stars
@brokeandjetlagged I cannot tell you how many times I’ve made a fool out of myself in public while reading Bailey’s work…. like lord help me I can’t stay in my chair…
- We Take A Shot (Baekhyun, EXO): Office AU, boss!Baekhyun, one-shot, fluff
Even after re-reading it 2-3 times, I cannot help the obnoxious laughter escaping my mouth….sounding something along the lines of a screeching seagull. Dorky Baekhyun trying to be Mr. Businessman really killed me. LIKE PLZ THE HOVER BOARD asdfjsj I’m laughing just thinking about it
- Hurt Me, Heal Me (Yixing, EXO): Hospital AU, nurse!Yixing, one-shot, fluff
Honestly, I would pay to be Baekhyun in that moment. Someone kick me in the face if that meant I could spend some time with nurse Yixing. He’s so adorable and I highly relate to MC being a mess when he thinks that she’s Baek’s girlfriend. Overall, this fic makes my heart go kyuu~
- Bromance .2 (Minseok, EXO) : College AU, frat!Minseok, enemies to lovers AU, series (ish), fluff, smut, drama
enemies to lovers…. honestly I’m not entirely sure of what to say other than that you should read it
@sehun-smut ngl. one of the reasons, besides me passing out, that this rec list took so long to make is bc I stopped to re-read both of these fics…. no ragrats… I don’t think you’ll understand until you read all of their work… so like… you know what to do…
- Business in the Front (Baekhyun,EXO): Restaurant AU (ish), one-shot, smut
Older Baekhyun is a kink okay. I’ve never wanted to call someone daddy more in my life than while reading this fic… and like to begin with it’s hard for me to imagine Baek being zaddy, so that should say A LOT.
- Deceitful (Chanyeol, EXO) - Mafia AU, series, smut, violence
I think this is the first honeytrapper fic I’ve ever read in my life. I mean I was aware of the job description but not the actual title. I must say I’m thoroughly aroused and equally terrified.
@exhoe-imagines I really adore Ruby and Jewels. Like, they’re so funny and interactive with their followers; and their content is always breath taking. highkey power couple energy
- Can’t Hold Back (Jongdae, EXO): Enemies to Lovers AU, one-shot, smut, drama, slight angst
You already know Jongdae is fucked the minute he sees MC’s bathing suit on the ground while she’s in the pool. You already know that when he went home that evening, his meat was begging for mercy by the end of the night. jfladskjf okay I’m gross, I know, but carrying on– the growth between Jongdae’s and MCs relationship is really heartwarming. Could not have asked for more from this fic
- Lucky (Baekhyun + Chanyeol, EXO): College AU, one-shot, smut
So…. let’s talk about the elephant in the room… or should we say two? bc there is definitely more than one trunk for MC to handle… so…. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GET WREKT MC
@yehet-me-up I will never not be in love with Sarah. Her Exodus Mall series really takes me back home. Often times when I’m feeling down and sick, I return to Sarah’s page and re-read that series. To say the least, I find home in Sarah’s writing.
- The Problem With Wanting (Kyungsoo, EXO): Mall AU, series, fluff, slight angst, smut
listen to this song and just take it in…. I think this was the first fic I read from the Exodus series and it will always hold a special place in my heart. This fic in particular is what I find myself coming back to again and again, time after time, and I always feel renewed. I feel youthful. More like… you know that feeling you get when you realize you’re falling in love with someone? That’s this. Please read. Please.
- Disqualified (Kyungsoo, EXO): Friends to Lovers AU, one-shot, angst, fluff
Imagine twisting a knife in your gut and slowly removing it through the opposite side of your body. That’s this fic. But like. With love. askdjflksjd I really love the way Sarah portrays Kyungsoo. Her descriptions of his thoughts, mannerisms and quirks make me feel like I’m watching a movie. Everything is so distinct and the atmosphere feels tangible. idk words. I just love Sarah.
@snakescript I don’t know too much about this author but I’m totally and completely enamored with their writings.
- Make The Devil Cry (Taeyong, NCT) : College AU, one-shot, light angst, smut
I’m weak for the “playboy” tamer… and tbh I feel like this would be Taeyong irl. Hard and complex to the eyes of an observer, but a major softy and sweet pea to the eyes of a listener. I’m upset of how little attention this fic has bc the world is really missing out on a diamond.
- Face Like Thunder (Chanyeol, EXO): Mythology/Greek God AU, one-shot, light angst, fluff
I would like to file a complaint. My heart is crying and my love for Chanyeol is soaring and I’m ACHE FOR THE MAN. Lmao I’m not even a Chanyeol stan but this fic got me thinkin’
@johobi you can always count on Jo to make you cream your pants in the middle of Target (stay away from the baby section kids)
- Bloom / Snared (Yoonji/Yoongi, BTS): Mafia AU, smut
honestly, Yoonji can wipe the floor with my body, in pool of my own blood, and I would thank her. I really really love the way Jo depicts Yoonji here. I can just feel that fem fetal power and that in itself got me ruining my underwear.
- Tooth and Claw (Jungkook, BTS) : Werewolf AU, smut
I’ve never related to furry more in my life than while I read this fic. high key wanna be rawed and torn in half by his king kong schlong … idk how MC survived, but she’s my idol.
- Dig Deep + Interval (Yoongi, BTS): Space AU, smut
I’m ngl. I really went to Pornhub and looked up tentacle porn after reading this. Y’all can @ me, roast me if you like,,,, but you’re a got-damn liar if you say this doesn’t get your blood pumping. p sure I wrote this on my tags but i didn’t even know I liked tentacle porn until then…. I hate myself
@bread-jinie idk where to start…. there are so many things I can say about Kat…… im tongue-tied….
- Wings (Chanyeol, EXO): Friends to Lovers AU, angst, fluff
I think this fic is my favorite work Kat has written so far. It’s like she knows the right words to tug the strings of my heart and play me like a puppet. A heartbroken but hopeful puppet. MC and Chanyeol always looking at each other but never at the same time breaks me; thankfully, the ending patches me back together.
Honorable mentions bc I’ve grown v tired and cannot continue with full details for info regarding everything, in addition to the fact that I’m inpatient and I want to post this ASAP:
@kollectionn GOD SENT. DO NOT PLAY AROUND. YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE. YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. THE WORLD WILL END AS YOU KNOW IT. THEN BE REBORN FROM THE ASHES AS C WILLS IT SO. (sorry for the all caps but I feel INTENSELY about C and her works of art; If I can recall correctly, I believe she said that she would begin to write her own non-fanfic when she finds the time. I think she has the power and ability to write best selling novels that would leave J.K. Rowling quaking in her boots. Plz go and love C. Don’t ask for updates. Just show her all the love she deserves and more; I haven’t been lately and I feel terrible for it; I hope she knows I love her!!!)
@dropsofletters lemme tell you somm’… this author is so talented and diverse in her work that I find myself scattered with the amounts of fandom’s she holds in her clutch. I’m so thankful to have found her page on this godforsaken website bc she caters so much to this world. Talented. Spectacular. Amazing. Blessing to Society. I don’t think I’ve found any multi-fandom writers that has spread out as far as she has. She’s one of those authors that has exactly what you’re looking for, even if you don’t know what it is. An Angel.
@layhyunnie beautiful. ethereal. whimsical. Inspiring. I mean literally inspiring. I wrote a few drabbles after reading Guardian bc I wanted to try and bring to life a world outside of our own, to step outside reality, just like I felt while reading their work.
- Guardian (Yixing, EXO): Supernatural AU, series, fluff
Again… I’m v tired… so here’s a short list of authors I meant to add here, along with their fics/full details of why I love them:
@knockknocksoosthere / @underthejoon @marshmallow-phd @kpopfanfictrash @yeolology @yeolology @whimsical-ness @remembeo @lofiexo @nochugguk @noona-clock @noonachronicles @oilblotter @soobadnoonecanstopher
((If you would like to know more about my interests in the unfinished authors, or any authors above for that matter, then please leave me an ask!! I will answer them when I am no longer tired akjsjdf I cannot reply via chat as this is only a side blog))
#i hate u anon#did u really wanna kill me#jk sjfdsdjf#i cant hate u#i hope you like it ;;#also at all the authors i've reblogged from... you are my favorite.... im just v tired and only have 2 brain cells left#paep speaks#asks#anon#exo#bts#exo fic recs#bts fic recs
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An Honest Mistake
Pairings: Tom Hiddleston x Reader
Style: One-Shot
Requested?: Not specifically, but inspired by my amazing BFF @dolangram who I just love sfm. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS!!
Warnings: Angst, language, implications of sex.
Word Count: 2K
Summary: Not wanting to jinx your new relationship, you and Tom keep your relationship under wraps - no one knows except your family. But while on a mini getaway in England, Tom runs into a family friend and introduces you as ‘just a friend’, which leads to a fight.
A/N: Small one shot inspired by 10+ hours of imagines/angst/dumb hilarity with the one and only @dolangram. Our chat inspired this fic as well as her Seb’s ‘testing you’ fic so go check that out if you haven’t read it yet! Stay blessed y’all xoxo (Gif isn’t mine!)
In the few months you’d been with Tom, you’d never felt the need to “define the relationship”. You were happy, you were together, and that was all that mattered. Everything else – all the adult stuff – fell by the wayside. Having that conversation didn’t seem so important when your hours with him were so few and far between. Your families knew about the two of you; and that was enough. For now, anyway.
“Come away with me this weekend.” Tom’s low voice pulled you away from your thoughts, as his lips pressed gently on the side of your neck. You leaned into him, breathing in his scent – the faint smell of cologne filling your nose. You smiled as his arms wrapped around your waist.
“Where to?” You whisper, as Tom continues feathering kisses just underneath your jaw line, sucking and nipping gently.
“I have a place in mind.” He murmurs, squeezing your frame gently. “Trust me.”
The city Tom took you to was beautiful. Surrounded by countryside, the city of St Asaph was beautiful and peaceful. With a population of under four thousand, you felt at peace to walk about with Tom in the streets, admiring historic castles of Denbigh and Rhuddlan without being uninterrupted by paparazzi or fans. It had been a wonderful start to your weekend alone with him.
“Babe, we need sustenance.” You groan from the bed, rolling over onto your side and peering over at Tom, who was washing his hands in the bathroom after a particularly…interesting session of lovemaking.
You heard his laugh echo through the bathroom, “What kind of sustenance, love?”
“Like, coco puffs or something. Or cookies. Or ooooh, maybe cupcakes?!” You grinned like a child enthusiastically, thinking of all the treats you could consume. Tom walked over to you, his abs still glistening with sweat as sun poured through the giant window. You bit your lip gently, amazed at your body’s ability to consistently want Tom, even after being pleasured mere minutes ago. Twice.
Tom sat at the edge of the bed, placing a gentle kiss against your bare shoulder as he smiled. “Your wish is my command.”
The local grocery store was small, but had plenty of fresh items in the bakery for consideration. You bent over, admiring the different cupcakes in their glass case when you heard Tom muttering behind you.
“Ah, shit.” He said under his breath.
“What’s the matter?” You ask, but before he has time to respond, an elderly woman, who looks to be in her mid-50s, envelops him in a hug.
“Thomas, so good to see you!” She exclaimed, while Tom smiled and returned the pleasantry.
“You as well, Mrs. Clark. How are you?”
You stood up in curiosity, joining Tom by his side. He shifted ever so slightly so that you weren’t touching. Not enough that Mrs. Clark would notice, but enough for you to. Your heart skipped a beat.
“Doing just splendid, dear. Turner has been so busy with the firm, and – oh, my! Where are my manners?” She turns to you, “I’m so sorry, dear. I didn’t even see you there.” She reached out and lightly touched your arm, smiling. “Tom, please introduce us. Who’s this gorgeous woman you’re with?”
Tom paused, bringing his right hand to the back of his neck, rubbing it and visibility looking uncomfortable. “Oh, this…uh.” Another pause. Tom was usually so smooth; the stammering seemed uncharacteristic for him. “This is my friend, Y/N.”
Hearing Tom say the word friend felt like hot poison coursing through your veins. You felt uncharacteristically warm all of a sudden, your head fuzzy and heart heavy.
“Pleasure to meet you, Y/N.” Mrs. Clark says, beaming. You smile slightly at her, “Well, I don’t want to take up too much of your time, dear. But it was a pleasure to meet you – and Thomas, say hello to your Mother for me.”
“I will, Mrs. Clark, of course.” Tom said, giving her another hug.
You remained quiet the remainder of the time spent in the store, letting Tom grab what he wanted from the aisles, no longer interested in all those snacks you had previously mentioned. He could sense the tension between the both of you, but fought hard to ignore it, waiting until you were in private to discuss it at-length.
Being the gentleman that he is, he opened the door for you, and you silently got in. Still having said nothing since meeting Mrs. Clark, you sat there – seething. It was everything you could do not to scream right there in the parking lot. You felt the bomb inside you ticking, timed with the pounding of your heart, just waiting for release. Tom shut the car door behind you.
Five.
He works his way around the car to the driver’s side.
Four.
He slides in gracefully, pulling his seatbelt across his chest and shutting the door gently.
Three.
Puts the key in the ignition, and turns once to the right.
Two.
“Let me have it.” He finally says, sighing as the engine roared to life.
One.
“I just didn’t realize we were such good friends.” You spat, your words slicing the air like a knife. You crossed your arms over your chest, unable to bring your eyes up to meet his.
“Darling, I thought we agreed - ”
“Oh no, no, no. Don’t you go putting this on me. I never agreed to anything.”
“…Agreed we wanted to keep our relationship private.” Tom ignored you, finishing his thought.
“Oh, we’re in a relationship now? That’s news to me! I thought this was a friendship.”
Tom’s jaw twitched ever so slightly, eyes narrowing. “I said that once. I don’t think it’s fair to hold it against me as if that’s the norm.”
“It’s not how you said it, it’s the way you said it, Tom. Like it would be so awful to be in a relationship with me. ‘Cause I’m so horrible, right?”
“Now you’re putting words in my mouth.” Tom said, voice rising slightly as his anger began to match yours. “I’m trying to protect you.”
“Protect me? From what? The big, bad paparazzi?” You roll your eyes, letting out a huff. “What are they going to do, flash me to death with their cameras?”
Ordinarily he would have found your smartass comment cute if you weren’t being so insufferable. Instead, he sighed, “It’s not just about you, Y/N, contrary to your belief. It’s for both of us. For our own privacy, instead of living our lives under a microscope.”
“So it’s just better to you to live with a lie instead?”
“It’s not lying; it’s omitting a few facts.” Tom fired back, his eyes concentrated on the road, careful for oncoming traffic.
You couldn’t believe your ears. “What’s the difference?” You ask, completely taken aback. There’s a beat before Tom opens his mouth to speak, but you cut him off instead. “You know what, never mind. There’s no point in arguing about it because, as usual, Tom Hiddleston will do whatever Tom Hiddleston wants, regardless of what I think or say. Because the world revolves around you, right?”
Tom took a deep breath, pulling into the driveway of the small cottage you were both staying at for the weekend. Your fight had brought you all the way ‘home’. You’d hardly noticed.
“Darling,” The word dripped from his lips, slowly, like honey, clearly frustrated and struggling to control his anger, “You’re testing my patience.”
“Good!” You yell, tearing out of the car and slamming the door shut. “’Cause you’re fucking testing mine, too.”
Tom calmly got out of the driver’s seat, following you as you stormed into the house. Though he remained calm on his exterior, his insides were burning. You could see it in the way he ran his hands through his hair, the way his veins accentuated in his arms.
“I’m sorry,” He finally said, once the house door closed behind him, resignation in his voice, “I didn’t know this would upset you.”
You scoffed, “You ‘didn’t know’,” you mimed air quotations, “That calling me a ‘friend’,” Air quotations again, “Would upset me? Wow, Tom, you’re denser than I thought.”
Tom slammed the shoe he’d pulled off his foot to the ground, making you jump. “Are you fucking serious right now?” His voice was loud – if you thought he was angry before, boy, were you wrong. “For heaven’s sake, Y/N, what do I have to do to show you how smitten I am with you? Why do you need everyone to know how I feel about you? Why isn’t this-” he gestured to the space between him and you, “Enough?”
His comment deflated you a little, and you paused, letting the words just hang in the open air between you.
“I…” you start, but trail off, looking down at your hands sheepishly. “You’re enough.” You finally mumble lamely. What bright ignition you had before now suddenly seemed so dull and unimportant; especially when Tom’s words felt like a punch to the gut.
“But it really isn’t, though, right? That’s what you’re saying?” Tom demanded, voice still bellowing through the house.
Another punch to the gut. Boy, Tom had a way with words, didn’t he? You felt tears welling in your eyes, but were determined to keep them at bay. You blinked aggressively a few times, shaking your head, “That’s not what I’m saying.” You tried to say confidently, but your shaky voice betrayed you. “I’m saying…” you began, again looking down at your fingers, “I’m saying I’m hurt, Tom.” You finally manage out, frowning.
You looked up just in time to see his demeanor change. His features softened, his brows no longer furrowed with anger but instead concern. He inched closer to you, testing the waters.
“I said I was sorry.” Tom said gently, quieter now.
You sniffed, still fighting to keep those damn tears from falling. “You’re just saying that because I’m upset.”
“I’m not. I’m not just saying that because you’re upset.” He closed the space between you, but didn’t touch you, not yet. You kept your gaze low, still fiddling with your hands. The tears seemed harder to keep away. “Look at me.” He whispered softly, his hand finally touching the side of your face as he stroked your cheek with his index finger, then tucked your hair gently behind your ear.
You shook your head, “Uh huh.” You mumble, acting like a child.
“Y/N, look at me.” He says again, fiercer this time. His hand falls to your chin, gently pushing your face up so that your beautiful eyes finally met his blue ones. A lone tear betrays you, slipping down your cheek. You sniff again. “It was never my intention to hurt you. I was just taken by surprise, seeing Mrs. Clark there. I thought you and I would have a private weekend together, just the two of us… I panicked.” He kissed your cheek softly, right where the tear had fallen.
You nodded, unable to say anything, feeling stupid. Why had you even gotten that mad in the first place?
“I want you to know that I could never be ashamed of you. Protective, yes, but ashamed? Never.” He kissed your other cheek, just as another tear rolled down your face. “Oh, sweetheart.” He murmured, feeling crushed at the sight of you so defeated, and pulling you into his warm embrace. You buried your face in the crook of his neck, arms wrapped tightly around his strong frame, loving the feeling of being his. Tom stroked your hair gently, rocking you slowly as he allowed you to just stand there, the only sound in the house being your quiet sniffles.
“I’m getting snot on your shirt,” You laughed softly, breaking away to see a small wet mark where your nose had been.
“I don’t care.” He responded, pulling you back to his chest and squeezing you tight. “I promise from now on I’ll never refer to you as my friend. Lover, exclusively. Deal?”
You could hear the teasing tone in his voice and grinned, wiping your eyes. “I know you’re joking, but I’ll take it. Deal.”
Smiling, Tom tilted your head up once more, enveloping you in a kiss that made all of your insecurities melt away.
Fin.
Tag List: @markusstraya, @punkin-pie-mofo, @hazohazahazbro, @irishprincess9, @jedionironthrone, @aclutteredheadspace, @proud-of-being-me, @disneymarina.
Please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed!
#ZARA ILY I HOPE THIS MEETS UR STANDARDS#Tom Hiddleston#Tom Hiddleston one shot#Tom Hiddleston Imagine#Tom Hiddleston x reader#Tom Hiddleston x you#RPF#Real Person Fiction#Marvel Imagine#Loki#Tom Hiddleston angst#Fluff#Angst#Reader Insert#Tom fic mine#Tom Hiddleston fanfic#Fanfiction
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Reflections from New Room Conference
Thursday, September 23, 2021
Tonight I received healing... deliverance from the trauma that was inflicted on me at the tender age of four. This trauma shattered my innocence, broke my trust, and robbed me of my confidence.
I’ve carried this burden for the whole of my life since that day. For about 25 years, I carried it on my physical body through excessive additional weight. Like most super morbidly obese people, I believed that If I could make myself disappear, then I would be safe.
It’s ironic that I was trying to be invisible. After all, it’s hard to hide a 430-pound body.
Hiding.
Rather, thinking we’re hiding.
It’s been the human response to fear and shame since the days of Adam and Eve, but it never works for long.
On some level, I knew I needed to get past this:
I talked through my experience and believed that by sheer force of will, I would not let it affect me. It did, of course, but that’s what denial is for.
And still I "coped".
I sought treatment in an eating disorders clinic. Twice.
I lost weight.
I married.
I had weight loss surgery.
I divorced.
I remarried.
I went to graduate school. Again. And again.
I went to church.
I quit church.
I went back to church.
I sang.
I HELPED people.
I perfected the art of denial.
But, God.
I had known for several weeks that I was going to have to walk through this door of healing and lament.
I didn’t want to.
It looked so scary and so deep.
I didn’t know where to start, but I knew I needed a safe place and I saw a therapist, carefully explaining to her that I knew I would need to allow healing in the areas of my soul that were wounded. She agreed and we scheduled an appointment to start the work.
This week’s New Room Conference was amazing and I was blessed by prophetic words from several of the authors I read and pastors that I follow and know.
God has a special plan for you.
God is going to do work through you.
He’s going to use you.
(it is here that my former sarcastic self would like to note that I have grown enough that I didn’t roll my eyes or deflect these statements with a joke.)
Back to the conference…
On Thursday morning, the conference heard a message from Kevin Watson who spoke on Christian perfection and so, I wasn’t surprised that God started a massive work of sanctification in me during the response time. I confessed sins, declared Him Lord of my life, and surrendered my heart, my affection, my service...all of me (I thought) to Him.
This was not a pretty process. There was no makeup left on my face unless you count streaks of tears and rivets of mascara. Crying so hard always gives me a terrible headache and affects my vision, so the rest of the day was a little foggy for me. I was looking forward to getting released after the last session.
This conference is pretty big. I hadn’t seen my pastor, who was working at the conference, all day. I even texted him right before the session to make sure he was still at the event. Before the conference, not knowing what it would be like, I jokingly warned him NOT to pray anything weird on me. (Did I mention that I use humor as a deflection far too often?). I was safe though and he hadn’t been around to see the cry-fest that morning.
On Thursday night, for the first time in the conference, he came and sat nearby.
The session started and the sermon was great. This speaker was very animated and dramatic, but I had no clue from anything that was preached about what God was about to do in my life.
The sermon closed and the musicians took the stage. Even before we started to sing, the Holy Spirit worked in my heart and I started to pray. I could hear my pastor praying on my left for a bit, then he was gone. At first, I could only pray the name of Jesus, but then I moved into what our speaker that night had called called “ugly praying”. This is the work of showing your real heart to God. All of it. No censoring. No beating around the bush. I heard myself begging God to reveal Himself to me in a real way. An unmistakable way.
I told God something that night for the first time: I have never really felt like I was a part of the Kingdom. I followed Jesus, but that’s exactly what it felt like: Following Him around, like one of the throngs, and feeling unseen. I watched while others seemed to “get in” and experience the presence of God, but for me, that was always a very temporal and “not quite complete” feeling. I could sometime "feel" God, but I wanted to KNOW God. I wanted to experience Him in an undeniable, unmistakable way.
Like drinking decaf to a coffee love or being that little boy in “The Polar Express” who wants to believe in Christmas, but says, “Christmas never really works out for me.” -- That's how I have always felt about my relationship with God.
And so, I told the Father these things:
“Look, I have always been on the outside of your window. I look in and I want to experience you fully, but it just never happens for me. Do you SEE me? Do you know me? Why won’t you meet me here? Please don’t leave me behind!”
“Please don’t leave me here, Jesus. Please don’t forget about me.”
This went on for some time. I continued by telling the Lord that I would do whatever it took: I would quit my job, never sing again, whatever it was that would help me encounter Him in an unmistakable way. I needed to know that this was real. That HE was real and that *I* mattered to Him.
My pastor's voice returned. I was deep into a gut-wrenching, soul-bearing, prayer of lament but heard him praying to my right and I leaned into him and continued praying, hearing his quiet, steady prayer of “Jesus, Jesus…” and in that moment I knew what it would take. I knew what God was asking me to do.
I had to allow Jesus into that space where I had been so desperately wounded at the age of four. I had to look into that space and allow myself to SEE Jesus.
Jesus.
Had always been there. He had been in the room.
I had never been alone.
I was not different, or marked, or damaged. I was not unlovable or cast out.
All I had to do was reach out and take His hand.
When I take my young daughter to the swimming pool, she panics when it's time to slip into the water. The water isn’t deep and it only comes up to her chest, so she cannot possibly go under. She knows that it feels amazing to jump in and let the water carry you, but there’s this moment of complete panic that occurs in the space between her body and the bottom of that pool. It takes me a very long time to convince my anxious daughter that all she needs to do to find joy is to simply allow herself to let go.
I was experience that same feeling.
As I continued to pray and seek God, I saw Jesus...down in what looked like a cistern. He was waiting for me to jump in.
Like my daughter trembling in fear on the pool ledge, I shook my head, looked away, squirmed, and tried to move away. I did everything I could to prevent jumping in.
Physically, I was tense and clenching my hands. I wondered afterwards if I might have pushed or struck my pastor.
But even in this anguish, I couldn’t stop seeing Jesus in that space...Jesus is the living water!
And so, I jumped in.
I reached out for His hand.
Something changed in me at that moment.
Something broke.
I remember opening my eyes...this snap had occurred inside. I knew my pastor had seen or felt it. I had been crying so very hard that my voice was hoarse and my eyes were swollen shut, but now I heard myself laughing out loud.
Laughing. Out loud.
In church, y’all!
But I couldn’t help it.
There was such a sense of peace and lightness to my movements and my spirit. I was free.
I am free.
John 8:38. “If the Son sets you free, you are free indeed…”
There’s more to tell...more to share. More to come.
But I know two things: Jesus was always there. He IS always here. We might be blinded to that or may not yet feel that, but we serve a God who gave us this promise.
I love those who love me and those who search for me find me Proverbs 8:17
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Songs and Vamps
Word Count: 2,220
Author: Deka
Warning: Blood, violence, weapons, sexual innuendos, fluff, a litlle angst, that’s it.
Pairing: Lucifer x Soulmate!Reader
Summary: After a good morning song, the boys and Y/N went on a hunt to kill some monsters, what could go wrong?
I heard someone singing, in my ear, at fucking 8:15am, I couldn't recognise what was that someone signing but they really needed to take some singing classes. A few seconds later I could recognise Lucifer signing his most popular song.
“Good morning to you! Good morning to you! OUR DAY IS BEGINNING SO GOOD MORNING TO YOU!” next to those words, he pecked my lips, “Rise and shine, sweetheart”
“Lucifer” I groaned, “what the hell are you doin’?” I frowned and thought for a moment, “No pun intended.”
“Waking you up, in my own good way, don't you like it?” He made a puppy face, damn it, he knew how to make those.
“It's not that I don't like but…” I tried to sound nice, “isn't that what you sang to Sam when you were torturing him?” I asked my boyfriend with an accusatory glance.
“Well, yes, but you know what? Sam hated it, you love it” He said jokingly, now taking off my covers from my body.
“Lucifer! I'm not dressed!” I screamed, I always slept with a oversized shirt and panties, most of the time those shirts were from Dean or Sam, Lucifer just had one outfit.
“Really? I've seen all your body already, you have nothing to hide”
I groaned, “I'm tired, just let me take a shower and I'll be ready in 15 minutes” I pleaded.
“Can I come in?” He asked with a smug smile.
“No!”
“I told you couldn't come in” I said
“Flash news honey, I'm the Devil and I can do what I want” He said cocky
“No sex for a week” I stated mockingly.
“You and I both know that you couldn't resist one week without touching me” He challenged.
“Wanna bet?” I accepted his challenge.
“Do you want to make a deal with the Devil?” He smirked, “‘cause I always win, honey”
“Sure Satan, if I win, you'll do everything I say for two weeks” I was too proud.
“And if I win?”
I laughed a little bit at his enthusiasm, “You're not gonna win”, the laughs slowly faded.
“We'll see ‘bout that”
Right in that moment Sam and Dean entered the room, Sam had his laptop and Dean had the hunting bag, full of weapons, and the other one with the suit and fancy clothes for the three of us.
“Get ready, Y/N. Sam got a case in Oklahoma, a vamp nest” the older Winchester said, “Beelzebub is comin’?” He added
“Well, now Dean-o, that was rude. You hurt my feelings” Lucifer acted sad.
“The fact that you're Y/N’s soulmate doesn't mean I would forget everything you've done” Dean said.
“C'mon guys, let's not fight” Sam tried to calm the two hormonal men.
“I'll watch over you in case you need help, and you can always pray for me, but I think you're too proud for that boys” Lucifer said calmly.
“Sure, everyone calm down” I said while palming Dean’s shoulder, “I'll see you in a week Luce” I went to kiss him, but then I remembered the bet, “and the bet is still on” I walk away while swinging my hips, I knew he would stare, and when I started going upstairs I could confirm my theory.
“So get this, there's a abandoned warehouse close to the road, 2 hours from here. In the last 3 days five people had been missing, all between the same mile” Sam explained while reading in his computer, we were in the hotel room, the brothers were sitting in the chairs and I was in the closest bed to the table, sitting legs crossed.
“There's the nest, right? Do you know how many bloodsuckers?” I asked while cleaning my machete and knives. Dean looked at his brother expecting his answer, he uncorked a beer and started drinking.
“I've seen 6 so far, the security cameras are a bit out of focus, I can't tell how many are men or women” He explained.
“Doesn't matter, we're gonna kill ‘em all” Dean left his beer on the table and grabbed his machete, “C'mon everybody” he picked up Baby’s keys and we packed everything in the trunk.
Half mile away from the hotel, we could see a little forest and a house… more like a warehouse. How could people not wonder about this place? Dean pulled over close to the house; the plan was that I would ask for their help, as a lost tourist, and go into the warehouse. I had my machete hidden in my boot and a pair of knives in my inner thigh.
“Hello?! Hello?! Please, someone help me!” I screamed and shouted while I knocked on the door, “Please, I need help!” I hear someone coming and I started working my actress skills. A middle-aged woman opened the door, “Oh thank God, I need help, my husband and I went sightseeing and somehow it all went dark and we're lost, I lost him too and I don't know what to do” I said crying, damn I was good.
“Oh, don't worry, we'll take care of you.” The way she said it send shivers down my spine. She was a vamp, I was sure.
“Thank you, Oh, thank you. God bless you.” It felt weird saying that, after all God was my father-in-law. Don't get me wrong, Chuck was cool… in his own way.
“Oh, we don't believe in God here sweetheart.” The vamp said, frowning. I made a sad face and started looking around, just as an awkward person would do, I could count 5 vamps. Four of them were watching TV and the lady was the fifth.
“Sorry, I'm sorry. Can I go to the bathroom?” She looked at me weirdly, “It'll just take a second.” I tried to convince her.
“Sure, upstairs next door.” I thanked her and went to the direction he pointed.
When I found the bathroom I closed the door and went to the window as planned. When I was sure nobody was around I texted Dean, I hoped the vampires were busy with the TV because they have a great sense of hearing.
5 vamps inside, one should be outside with the victims. I'll take care of these ones, kill the other and help the ones who're still alive.
I pulled the toilet chain, just in case, and came outside. Well, let's just say that two of the vamps watching TV were waiting outside the door.
“Hi, boys! Are you waiting to go to the bathroom?” I said casually, moving my hands. They growled and the teeth show up. “Soooo, no roleplay huh?” As I said that, I kicked one vamp in the guts and punched the other one far. The first bloodsucker bowed for the pain and I kicked him in the face with my knee. While he was recovering I took the machete out of my boot and I took his head off, blood stained my face and shirt. One vamp less, 5 to go.
The other, the one I punched, ran away so there should be 4 angry vampires waiting for me downstairs, yay. I cleaned my machete in my jacket and guess what? Yes, I went downstairs, this is how people get killed in horror movies.
When I finished going down the stairs, there was no one around. Everything has been left on place and it was very quiet. I walked outside and I could see the woman, who opened the door, carrying Sam to some kind of dark warehouse, shit. I wanted to move and kill the lady, but everything went dark before I could move my feet.
“Don't look at me like that! What were we supposed to do? Three hunters came into our house and tried to kill us!” I heard the unmistakable voice of the lady who opened the door.
“But now two of them are injured! You know I hate to waste blood! You have to hit them in the head, haven't you?” Another voice said, it was a male voice. Then I noticed the sticky substance in my hair and face, that motherfucker had hit me in the head.
“But the blond one is good, we didn't hurt him” A younger male voice said. I opened my eyes to see that I was tied my hands and feet, around a wooden column. Sam was on my side, passed out. He was OK except for a little cut on the cheek with dry blood.
“The girl and the tall boy woke up, what should we do?” A girl said, she couldn't have more than 18 years old.
“You can eat the blond, leave these two to me” The first male voice said. He was a tall, muscular man, around 40 years old.
“What? No!” I shouted, I tried to find something sharp to cut the ropes, but there was nothing, “Dean! Wake up, Goddamnit!” I continued shouting.
“Dean!” Sam woke up from my shouts and screamed too, he was on my left.
I started looking everywhere, searching for something to help us. But then I remembered.
“Lucifer!” I shouted so loud that I even scared the vamps. The ones holding Dean stopped what they were doing and looked at me, then at the man close to us, and then back at me.
“Lucifer? What about him? Who are you? Aren't y’all supposed to hate the Devil? You’re hunters after all.” The vamp, who I think is the leader, said.
I didn't listen to him and continued praying.
“He's not gonna come Y/N, why would he save us?” Sam said.
“Because, Sammy, I'm not as bad as I look” Lucifer said as he appeared in front of me, “close your eyes” he told us, and we did it. After a few seconds and a strong flash of white light, Lucifer was standing on my right, his white wings were stretching behind him. As his soulmate, I could see his wings, not only the dark shadow they produced, but the actual feathers.
I instantly calm down and released a long sigh. “Thanks Luci” I told him.
“No problem sugarcheeks” He said.
Then I heard a groan and a raspy voice, “Cut all the chick flick moment and take us home, use your angel mojo or whatever” Dean harshly said, already awake. Lucifer was going to make a smartass comment but I looked at him and shake my head. He let out a sigh and the next thing I know, we were all in the Bunker, safe and sound.
“Take care of your brother, Winchester, I'll help Y/N” Luci said grabbing and holding me braid style, he didn't hide his wings so I could see them wrapping around my figure.
“Thank you” I said when he left me on my bed and placed two fingers on my forehead.
“You scared me, I was solving some problems in Hell and then I heard your prayer. I thought something bad happened” He said looking sad, really sad.
“Well, something bad actually happe…” I couldn't finish because Lucifer’s lips were on mine. He kissed me in a rough way, trying to put all his worry in one simple act of love. When I was starting to feel dizzy for the lack of oxygen, he finished the kiss.
“Wow,” We said at the same time, “kinky” I added. “By the way, you lost the bet. Now you have to do everything I say for one month” I said with a smile.
“I thought you said two weeks?” He wondered.
“I did, but the kiss was rough and needy, one week more for that” I explained calmly.
“Oh, you little human, you tricked the Devil” Lucifer smirked
“I learned from the best” I pecked his lips, “so, as my first order, I want us to lay down and cuddle. At least until I fall asleep, then you can leave, I know you have Satan’s stuff to do” I kissed him once more.
“If you keep doing that you're not going to sleep that much, babygirl” He said in a husky voice.
“Shhh, c'mon.” I lay down on the bed and made myself comfortable under the sheets, Luci then came down behind me and hugged me as his life depend on it. “Everything alright?” I asked.
“Yeah, it's just… I was scared, of losing you, y’know?” He told me, “The only person that cared for me,” his cracked a little bit, “and I care for you so much, it's strange.” He managed to steady his voice.
“Everything will be OK, Luci” I calmed him, “We're going to live a good and long life” I said, I was feeling my eyes closing, the hunt was to stressful, and now I was falling asleep.
But before I lost conscience, I heard him said those three words, for the first time, “I love you” He whispered, thinking I couldn't hear him.
“I love you too” I said, and I saw his smile and his baby blue eyes wet with tears.
“Good morning to you, good morning to you. Our day is beginning so good morning to you.” I heard Lucifer softly say in my ear, kissing my lobe and neck.
“Good morning, love” I smiled, still a little asleep, “I like this way of waking up”.
“Yeah, me too” He sighed, “me too”.
#lucifer#lucifer x reader#supernatural#lucifer spn#lucifer fluff#lucifer angst#reader insert#lucifer spn x reader#lucifer spn imagine#luci spn#supernatural x reader#supernatural x you#lucifer x you#spnfamily#spn fanfic#lucifer fanfiction#lucifer fanfic#spn x reader#spn imagine#spn fic#lucifer fic#mark pellegrino#mark pellegrino x reader#mark pellegrino imagine#mark pellegrino fic#spn cast#spn cast fic
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How Gabi Ruined Me: A SMA Review of Ch. 15
GUESS WHO’S BACK AND READY TO REVIEW THE EFF OUT OF THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE OMG THIS IS STRAIGHT GOLD.
It’s me, hi Gabi, you’re a blessing.
REPLY:
Hi Cassie, it’s me, you’re hysterical. Also, I’m going to start indenting my parts instead of y’alls parts because I’ve realized that’s way easier and I’m dumb.
Overall, I really like this “episode” style you’ve got going on. I know it’s problematic word-count-wise (it’s actually not a problem at all, I have no idea where you got that from, but if you say so). And your style is really unique, so it’s always a delight to see what you’ve created.
REPLY:
lmaoooo I’m glad you benefit from my misery. (No but real talk, this format’s new for me so I’m super happy it’s working for you, man.)
Steroline Sex
Nice. But also, unrelated to the actual sex, how you wrote it without being cringey or too graphic is a great feat. Like good job dude. And forget the sex again, but the intimacy was also nice. Like nice. Like, in the carnality of it, I find it interesting that in this moment, you read Stefan for who he is—the guy who looks for intimacy over physicality, the guy who craves the relational over the carnal. Like, nice, dude, A+ with extra credit. It’s hard to pull off, I think, but it so mirrors what the real world is like? Also your writing style, again, is some really great stuff. Like, maybe you should quit your day job?
REPLY:
LMAO idk why but every time you say nice I just imagine you doing this dude bro nod and the 👌 emoji and I love it. Tyler approves. But also, GIRL, writing smut was friggin’ uncharted adventure time for me so you don’t even know how happy this feedback makes me. I’ve been pulled right out of stories before because things suddenly take a really porny turn (and I start laughing because I’m an infant), so I really wanted to avoid that without skimping out too much on details. And gah, all of your notes on Stefan and his instinctive search for something deeper (even in the face of a sex contract and hot girl on his lap) are so perfect, and I’m happy as hell that’s what came across because that’s definitely what I was aiming for. And AW, girl, psh - right back at you re: writing style! Like I’m pretty sure this review is funnier and better written than the fic itself but whaaaaatever.
Beginning of the Bonkaimon (is this the right ship name???) Date
Kai’s apartment: lol, much like Damon, I was no expecting this Christmas wonderland (horror) either. But also, LOL at what Damon was expecting lol.
REPLY:
lololol I sat in Starbucks and stared blankly into space for like 20 minutes to come up with all the things someone might expect from Kai’s apartment, and I’m pretty sure I terrified at least three people because I’d just suddenly start villain cackling. Imagining a room full of nothing but shelves of blinking furbies made me laugh for like five minutes.
Kai + Pinterest: not a big factor, but I find it hilarious that he was even on it??? Like could imagine, between gutting a swan, he’s casually scrolling through DIY Christmas décor?
REPLY:
‘between gutting a swan, he enjoys casually scrolling through DIY Christmas décor’ is totally on his online dating profile somewhere
The Bamon back-and-forth is too much. Like way too much, in the best way possible. They are literally children. Bonnie’s “villian origin story” quip is literally my fav. Damon’s “our thing” is sooooooooooooo like him what the heck, you pegged it; Damon saying “Like I know we have a thing and all, but—“ just made me laugh so hard.
REPLY:
Aren’t they the dumbest? So happy you enjoyed that part because it was fun as hell to write. If writing was just zippy dialogue I’d have finished this fic 200 years ago.
KAI’S FREAK OUT ABOUT THE COATS: dude you did a good job with that. Like a really good job. You can really see the distraught.
Kai’s “the stuffed mushrooms are fluffy and delicious… just like me” bit was very cute, like too cute for a psychopath.
The chit-chat: yes, it was a sneak peek, no, it didn’t affect the hilarity of it within the chapter at all.
Sniper love, I kind of love it. Like that Kai has a date at all? Like how did he even manage that? Omg and is his date just as crazy as him? Idk if you watch B99, but Holt and Kevin lol, that’s what I’m imagining.
REPLY:
HOLT AND KEVIN YEEEESSS. Love that. I think in this case, Kai’s pretending to be breezy and confident about his date in front of Bonnie and Damon, like ‘happens all the time just another Saturday in Kai-town’, but he actually has literally no idea what he’s doing and is a little panicky about it, lololol. He was probably just at work looking all cute and brilliant and some hotshot sniper made the mistake of thinking he was just a quirky nerd instead of a legitimate threat to the planet. I have a plan for Kai in terms of romantic entanglements down the road that I think’ll show just how painfully awkward he is in those situations, loooool. Should be fun for sure.
Bonnie’s true self coming through, and Damon noticing? Damon noticing in general? My heart can’t handle it. You know bamon is my main ship, main otp, main everything? But like, this part is everything (and another part later). I like Bonnie’s true self tbh. Like yeah, she made some mistakes with it, but it’s also a little more interesting than the self she created.
REPLY:
Bonnie’s such a messy tangle of flaws and virtues, and I think her problem is that she’s spent so much of her life living in extremes. Like she’s either pure light or a total eclipse - she’s never actually let herself exist as a collage of light and shadow, or rather, doesn’t realize she even can. I think a lot of that has to do with the degree to which she indulged in her darkness during that teen rebel phase, like her anger and hurt were so all-consuming (and the people she surrounded herself with were so intent on stoking the flames of it) that she feels like she can’t let any part of that in without it taking over. She’s afraid of that darkness being all that she really is, and that’s why her mom left, that’s why her dad was a checked out alcoholic - they somehow saw that in her and it’s only a matter of time before everyone else does, too. I think where Damon comes to play is that he’s an instinctive observer of people, and he’s obviously taken an interest in Bonnie and making sense of her. So far, he’s picked up on the light (brave, empathetic, optimistic, kind, a fierce instinct to help) and he’s picked up on the dark (angry, self-sabotaging, competitive, a taste for danger) and at first glance, the two seem so wildly different that he’s like ‘which one’s real’. But I think what I’m really trying to build toward with Bonnie is that she’s not one or the other, she’s both. In harmony. And that ultimately, letting in her ‘dark side’ wouldn’t take anything away from her compassion and optimism and impassioned drive to make the world a better place - if anything, it’d just make her light side shine even brighter, you know?
And likewise, Damon’s a character with a similar but inverted complex - he’s somehow grown up with the idea that he’s not a good guy and doesn’t care about anything, but he’s actually done some pretty heroic shit? Like, he turned in his own parents because of the things they were doing to people - parents who grown ass hardened criminals were terrified of. And he was ten. He went through foster home after foster home of neglect and abuse, all of which calcified his alleged numbness to the world, and yet couldn’t help himself from becoming a constant buffer between Tyler and his abusive dad. He was more in love with Katherine than she ever was with him and yet his awareness of that never stopped him from being there for her, even when he kind of hated her, because the weight of their shitty lives mattered more than the weight of his feelings. When he accidentally pushed Bonnie into a spiral, he dove in to deal with it, in large part because it was his fault, but also because he knew he was the best option for her, and he didn’t want to see Caroline and Stefan take that on. And there’s more hero-revealing things ahead for him in the story, which kind of begs the question, ‘why are you so convinced you’re this hedonist who doesn’t care when you actually do more good than a lot of people who do care?’ And Bonnie is absolutely starting to piece this all together, so it’s a similar dynamic on either side.
Anyway, that’s my dissertation on how to go into an entirely unsolicited rambling meta in response to wonderful and pertinent feedback.
Kai’s “you two must have a crazy sex life”, I think it’s funny ‘cause he could have left it at that and gotten away with it, but continuing with details just killed those chances (and it also killed me).
REPLY:
looool right? Kai’s one of those characters that’s always right on the cusp of having a normal moment and then nope, never mind, hail mary throw to loony land right at the last second.
Caroline’s Freakout
I love how chaotic you write Caroline’s internal struggle. Because, like she realizes, she’s being irrational, and that’s exactly how her thoughts come across. Excellent work with that. “Everything about him was a goddamn error,” superb line, dude. That’s how exactly how I pegged the sma Steroline relationship (and the sma Bamon one, but on the side of Bonnie being the error anomaly to Damon). Like, honestly, when Caroline’s like “he’d known what he was doing”, I’m like,” y’all were having sex? You must’ve looked like you were liking it???” Caroline frustrates me sometimes, but like, she’s frustrating herself (and Stefan), so that makes sense and also kudos.
And then she lashes out at Stefan, and Stefan’s like, “I know”. Yikes.com. And I like how she realizes the physicality of what they did isn’t much different from what she and other guys did. It’s just him that’s different. And oh man, I love how Stefan’s like, “I didn’t mean to hurt you”, and she’s like “dude wait stop you’re not supposed to apologize for this”.
So many emotions dude. Mainly ‘cause I can relate to avoidance thing (yikes), but also ‘cause you can tell she’s trying to figure herself out, trying to correct her behavior (kinda), but then she reverts. A+.
REPLY:
Gaaah, all of that makes me so happy because that’s exactly what I was going for. You’re frustrated with her, but you know you’re supposed to be frustrated with her ‘cause even she’s frustrated with herself, you know? I’ve always found that I’m really forgiving of flawed characters when they’re aware of their flaws (and when other people are allowed to get fed up with their shit), so going into that scene, that’s what I tried to keep in mind - she’s going to be irrational and defensive and I need to make sure everyone knows that I know that this isn’t cool. It isn’t intriguing or exciting. It’s frustrating and repetitive and I know it, Caroline knows it, and Stefan knows it, and because of that, it’ll be confronted, you know? And yeah, that ‘he knew what he was doing’ line was exactly for that reason - Caroline clearly played a role in what happened, like it takes two to tango gurl, so I hoped that would hammer in how unreliable her narration was in that second. That, and the fact that when he starts apologizing, like you said, she’s like ‘stop’ because obviously he really didn’t do anything that bad and she knows that. Super, super stoked that the scene played out for you the way it did, man. Best feedback ever. Eloquent af. A+ goes to you.
Bamon’s first trip to Wine Cellar
Touching + promixity + commentary = horny Bonnie + smug Damon + heaps of hilarity
REPLY:
They’re like X-rated toddlers.
“You’ve been in love?” conversation was really good. I mean it was short, but I loved it. Like, called out much?
REPLY:
I literally had no idea I was going to write that until it just showed up on the word doc, but it ended up being one of my fave exchanges, so I’m so happy you liked it, too!
And then the “earthworm” argument: LOL.
“Like your entire face is rebelling against it—you look like you’re about to have a stroke.” LOLOLOLOLOLOL. What’s even funnier is I imagine Damon coming back with a doctor comment lol.
REPLY:
‘Uh-oh, better give me a full physical.’
The kiss/attack. Kai’s probably right, their sex life is will probably be crazy.
REPLY:
Definitely won’t get bored.
Bonnie’s flashback. Gotta know more dude. Like, in theory, you wrote it out a bit, but more more more.
REPLY:
More ahead! I have an ask about it that I’m going to answer but more’s coming in the actual fic, too. I think. So excited you want to know more, though!
“Merriam Webster” lol
OKAY HERE’S THE OTHER LIFE-GIVING PART: “Are you worried about me?” and “She turned around to leave and he caught her wrist again./’Seriously. Anything at all.’” YOU’RE MURDERING ME GABI HOW DARE YOU (please keep it coming).
Jesus Crisco lololololololol
REPLY:
:D
Soon-to-Be Ms. Cuddles
It’s kind of scary how much of myself I see in Caroline lol (that’s kind of fucked up right?) especially when her eyes are shut because the cat is near her omg.
REPLY:
lmaoooo a little scary but she turns out alright so *bonnie voice* there’s hope for you.
My heart at “none of it was worth it”. At first, I was like Caroline’s not worth it? But then he’s like Caroline’s fear/hurt isn’t worth it, and I’m like, Stefan you IDIOT STOP HURTING ME.
REPLY:
LMAO ISN’T HE THE WORST.
And then him realizing what the real issue is with “Like maybe that contract hadn’t just been for him”.
But then him fucking it up with “something stupidly, recklessly hopeful”. BOY BYE WITH THIS DISNEY PRINCE-NESS.
REPLY:
Disney Prince-tervention. 8 o’ clock. Scott McCall can come too.
“It means is there anything on the planet you don’t avoid dealing with?” YIKES STEFAN DO YOU LIKE PLAYING WITH YOUR LIFE LIKE THIS OR
REPLY:
LOLOLOL I laughed when I wrote that line. I was like eating Smart Pop and going ‘BOY’ as if I wasn’t the one writing it, it was all super sane.
Avoiding!Caroline #relatable dude.
“Easy to mistake for serial killers” LOL STEFAN AGAIN ARE YOU READY TO DIE OR
REPLY:
Danger Zone Stefan.
The part with the cat coming near her, lol, is so damsel-in-distress, and it makes me laugh so much at how cliched/tropey this is, but I also love it, and I tried to imagine her with either Bonnie or Damon in the same situation, and Bonnie being similar to Stefan but taking her out of her misery, but Damon being a shithead about it. Ah yes.
REPLY:
LMAO that scene is pure, unadulterated, damsel-ly TROPENESS and I love forcing Caroline I’m a Force to be Reckoned With and Need No One Forbes into those scenes because she tries so hard not to be that way and like, for what? Girl, be afraid of the dark. Run away from cats. Be jumpy and hide behind people. None of that means you can’t singlehandedly take down the Emory football administration, you know? You can run away from spider-rat hybrids in the same stilettos you slam into the toes of drunk dudes harassing girls on the subway. Do you. And LOOOL to Bonnie and Damon in Stefan’s place - Bonnie would definitely let it go but would be subtly trolly about it, like putting the cat on her bed when she’s in the shower or buying it a bunch of costumes to wear around the apartment. Damon would probs be every inch as insufferable as you’d imagine.
The Not-All-Animals conversation. You don’t have to answer this, but is this supposed to be a foreshadowing, because the window was wide open for you (or Stefan) to state it clearly. And lol I cried when he says “there’s a cuddly little fur ball who seems really interested in getting to know you” and I’m imagining him talking about himself *dies of laughter*
“You’re going to love this cat”. Subtle, Stefan. Subtle.
REPLY:
CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM CALLING HIMSELF A CUDDLE LITTLE FUR BALL ON PURPOSE #BYE. I mean, it’s true, but still. I did the parallel on purpose, which I’m sure you know by now because I take forever to reply and have answered tat a few times, but I think it was more subconscious on Stefan’s part. Like his dedication to getting her to open up to the cat was definitely motivated by his own frustrations with her in that department, but I don’t think he saw the direct parallel or anything. Muahaha. I kind of want him to now though because CUDDLY LITTLE FUR BALL. That’s his street name.
Bonkai/Damon’s return from the cellar
Kai flirting
Bonnie feeling bad for Kai for not having any friends. (can I just note that Kai doesn’t seem bothered that he doesn’t really have friends—or rather, he seems the type not to mind it. Like I’m sure there’ll be a part when Kai says something ‘jeez Bon, stop being so obsessed with me’ when she tries to be his friend)
AKA ME now feeling bad for Kai, just in general (or that might be the copious amounts of Bonkai fics I’ve been reading recently…)
Bonnie teaching Kai to “flirt” AKA just be a human being
REPLY:
lololol Kai’s just a dude doing his best impersonation of humaning and failing miserably and not being too bothered about it.
“Maybe a little less… carnivorous” lol
Damon calling Kai “bud” (like, him actually picking up on the fact Kai enjoyed that). Too sweet.
REPLY:
I didn’t get a chance to get too into it in 15, but if all goes according to plan, Kai x Damon should be a pretty unexpectedly adorable brotp, so I’m super happy you picked up on that!
Bamon kiss #3 : “his stare was dark, humming, glinting with a hint of self-satisfaction” hehehehehe
“but I feel like maybe I should’ve asked you instead. Cool move.” lmfao Kai is a cutie pie (I know what I said, I’m not taking it back).
“Honestly, he could go back to the murder cellar now” lolololol. You’ve got a lot of golden lines in this one.
Almost Bamon kiss #4: nice
“She exhaled slowly, trying to ignore the buried, messy part of her that was turned on by the idea, that buzzed from the risk of it all.” Same, Bon.
Bless Bonnie’s insane self-control.
REPLY:
Damon’s a smug little shit. There’s just no getting around it, tbh. And YAY for cutie pie Kai (it even rhymes! Destiny.) - definitely trying to hone in on the more delightful sides of him from canon. And lmao, Bonnie must be so tired.
Caroline vs. the Cat
Obsessive Caroline is something familiar and safe to all. I like obsessive Caroline a lot lol.
Okay, unrelated, but can you expand a little bit on the Maroline situation again because, from what you’ve already explained (sorry if this is ruining the story, you obviously don’t have to explain if it is) Matt was sweet when it suited him, not sweet when he was angry or whatever. So, like, Stefan has none of these telltale features, like not even lowkey. I mean, he gets mad at her that one time, but it’s not malicious, you know? But it also triggered her to breakdown, but I read that as she’s already dealing with internal shit, so the internal is being external, and has very little to do with Stefan. So, I guess my question is, why is she not realizing Stefan is a Disney prince and he’ll always be one? Or is it just the overwhelming fear that’s clouding her judgement? I’m rambling.
REPLY:
GIRL, join the club. Rambling is a way of life. Re: Matt, I think a key thing I haven’t gotten to in the fic yet is that Matt started off as a bit of a Disney Prince, too. He was this humble, small-town star quarterback who was a little shy around girls and didn’t know what to do with all the attention on him, and when he met/got to know Caroline, he fell hard. Like haaaard. She was this confident, brash, outgoing ray of light that drew him in and made him laugh and added so much joy to his life, and he was just totally smitten. Built her things, wrote her crappy love letters that made her smile, etc., and for a year or so, they were this fairytale of a couple that everyone in town loved. And then Vicky got into drugs and his family situation went from not great to really bad - his mom was constantly off with some new guy, so a lot of the responsibility fell on him - and things just slowly started changing. He was angrier. Stressed out all the time, and he wasn’t someone who did well under pressure. He started checking out from school more and more because he didn’t see it as a priority. And in that context, larger-than-life Caroline with her sunny optimism and big ambitions went from endearing and inspiring to naive and a lowkey reminder of everything he didn’t have the luxury of being. Resentment started creeping in, and it’d come in the form of him being snide or putting her down, and it just kind of spiraled from there. Like you said, it wasn’t all the time, he could still be every inch as sweet and loving as he was when she first met him, but the bad moments started cropping up more and more often, and Caroline was just kind of frozen because they had years of magical history to indicate that this wasn’t the real him, and she just needed to wait it out and be supportive. And if she’d only done that to a certain degree, I think she would’ve been okay, but she stayed for way, way longer than she ever thought she would’ve. And she started coming up with insane ways to justify everything because their relationship meant so much to her. And all in all, that’s the real damage for her - the fact that she can’t trust herself to one: see people for they are when she has feelings for them, and two: know when to get out of something. Not when she’s in love. Any other context, sure, deuces, bye, but she doesn’t trust herself in love. So that’s why Stefan, without really showing any real Matt-like flaws, is scaring the hell out of her, if that makes any sense.
SPEAKING OF RAMBLING HI HELLO YES WHERE IS THE SUPPORT GROUP
Caroline and the cat is really cute. We don’t see many soft moments of Caroline, except the baroline apology scene, so it’s cute to see her just calm down a little bit. Calm in the storm.
And her being like “You’re lucky Stefan’s here.” Oh, dude, that really got me. Like, before she goes into the physicality of him/them, I read that line as like, “he’ll take care of you, he’ll be good for you” and that struck me.
REPLY:
So happy you liked that softer side of Caroline! Definitely going to be seeing more of that now that she’s gotten most of the defensiveness out of her system (in large part because I’m just tired of writing it, lmaaaaaoooooo #authoroftheyear). And yeah, that’s exactly how she meant that line, which I think shows just how much her opinion has changed of him over these past few days. Progress!
“And it was terrifying, because for that brief glitter of a moment, for better or for worse, she’d been Caroline Forbes in all her complete, defenseless, messy glory”: nice.
REPLY:
👌
“And closed hearts, apparently”, awwwwwwww. You know my general feels about steroline, but this fic, man. Well played, Gabi, well played.
REPLY:
lmao you know mine too. thanks, boo.
Bamon Snooping
Initial and overarching reaction: LOL
Damon saving Bonnie’s life: *heart eyes*
“I’m not talking to you”/”Why ‘cause I didn’t feel you up in the kitchen?” LOL Damon knooooooows, Damon’s got you cornered (you’d like that wouldn’t you, Bonnie) (but also, same)
REPLY:
#READ
Like this idiot really thinks she’s fooling anyone? She’d totally like that. Let’s make another support group.
The flamingo tarts LOL
AND AND AND “Stefan’s not even going to be able to look at yo—“ crying
Kai going to hunt swan. Again.
REPLY:
So rude, pulling the judgy Stefan card. And yeah, Kai’s really into casual evening strolls with crossbows.
The snooping. Okay, so first, Bonnie’s reaction of “yeeeeeeeeee” and Damon’s reaction of “k let’s do it”. I love it so so so much. This is a moment I can see Matt Daddario being Damon (I started watching Shadowhunters, pardon me). But also the things they find??? Like, if this were a tv show (where’s the petition, my pen is ready), then this would be that one weird/sci-fi episode. Like a musical episode, but sci-fi-y.
Damon “how much you want to bet one of these opens a hidden passageway”/I’m a big nerd too Fell/Whitmore (who tf is this guy)
REPLY:
LMAO coming up with the things they find was another case of me staring dead-eyed into space for 20 minutes and cackling at random, so I’m glad it was entertaining. And yessss, I can totally see Matt pulling off that line. I see him as a slightly sleepier Damon, like his blithe charm goes from obnoxious to a little slyer and lowkey, and he has more of a playful laziness about him. It’s a really fun/unique fit, especially since some of the other actors I’ve imagined as Damon have more of a brash/sharp quality to them that would enhance the showman aspect instead of downplaying it.
Bamon talking about Damon’s job: real bonding about real things!
REPLY:
WOOT. More of that ahead :)
Steroline Avoiding
“He could navigate picky eaters like a pro”: I love that you made him this way, and that you made her that way, and that their ways are like puzzle pieces.
REPLY:
Ahhh, I love that you put it that way. That’s their new tag line.
And also for this beaut: “the Human Grimace” lmfao.
“I feel annoyed”/”Why?”/”I don’t know.” – is that their tag line or?
REPLY:
JK that’s definitely their tag line.
Steroline bonding in general, bless.
“I can’t do this”: yikes. At first, I thought this was going to be a repeat of every sexytimez moment these two had before the ultimate one
but I really like how you placed that bit about Elena in there. Nice. Like how he can’t handle not knowing, and that’s very Caroline of him, and he could just tell her this please that’d help everyone???? I’m not ranting.
REPLY:
IF EVERYONE COULD JUST TALK IN THIS GODFORSAKEN FIC IT WOULD’VE ENDED TEN CHAPTERS AGO AND MADE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER. lmao but I’m glad you liked the Elena nuance - I’m trying to build their experiences in bits and pieces so that when they finally talk about everything re: the exes, it’s not too much of an information dump.
Damon’s Panic Attack
Jesus Christ, Gabi. Right in the heart, dude. Like chill out. His avoidance of the very inevitable killed me. And Bonnie not picking up on the signs. Omg and Damon’s “I’m fine”, parallel to Caroline’s, and the whole “I can do this, I can get through this, I’ve only had myself before, and I only need myself now”, but Bonnie’s there and she’s all “I got you, you can do this, we’ll get through this together” and she’s talking him through, but he’s doesn’t want to even talk and she’s just trying to bring him out of him successfully, but ultimately fails and goes with the distracting that is an old Stefonnie story. BUT THEN, her fourth-grade poem reminded me of The Punisher’s “one batch, two batch, penny and dime” in Daredevil (you watched that right?) and I was like oh shoot, you right. What you were right about, not sure, but it worked, and Bonnie did a good job (but also YOU), and Damon’s “she was a ridiculous person./Tangled and dark and simple and light.” And my heart wept. “He let himself stay”. Oh my poor baby. You wrecked me, Gabi, you really did.
REPLY:
‘and I was like oh shoot, you right. What you were right about, not sure, but it worked’ - LMAOOOOOO, dead. Like 50% of my excitement for posting this review is just people reading it and realizing how hilarious you are and then going to check out B&B. (GO AND CHECK OUT B&B). For real though, gaaaaah, everything about this is making my friggin’ day because this is always the toughest stuff to write for me. I never know if I’m building it well or if the emotions are transitioning fluidly and it makes me want to break my laptop (jk it’s already broken JOKE’S ON ME), so I’M SO HAPPY I WRECKED YOU. All of your observations are perfect. I didn’t even think about The Punisher but shoot, YOU RIGHT, that’s such a great parallel. I’ve always found that angsty situations are super unpredictable in real life, like the things you expect to happen seldom do and it’s always the most random thing that ends up shifting the mood, so I tried to translate that into this scene. Like Bonnie’s pulling out all the stops, all the things she’s trained to do, but what ends up cutting through the air is a random ass poem from fourth grade. And it’s just thoughtful and spastic enough to grab his attention, especially once he realizes why she went for poetry, and suddenly, the situation’s quelling. So I’m super, super happy that it worked for you, and that the ‘tangler and dark and simple and light’ stood out. I think that’s one of the first instances of him starting to realize she’s not one or the other, she’s both at the same time, so yeah, this feedback is all wonderful and now you’re wrecking me so we’re even.
Steroline Confronting
Is Caroline… confronting the problem? Is Caroline… actually fixing this? Is Caroline… actually being a person? Nice, good job, I’m proud of you, girl. Slay.
REPLY:
LOOK AT HER GOOOOO.
I like how she gets how fucked up the whole thing is. Like, she knows she’s being irrational, and that he shouldn’t have to put up with this mess, and damn, I feel for her.
REPLY:
Yesssss, totally what I was going for. Like the person most done with her shit is herself, and she’s likely going to be way harder on herself about it than you or me or Stefan or anyone else, really. So happy that came across.
“Would it make you feel better if I told you that wasn’t the first time that’s happened to me?”
“What did you do? Actually—don’t tell me now.”/“I’m not telling you ever.”
”Tell me when it doesn’t hit so close to home.”/”Or never.”
”It’s still too soon.”/”It’ll always be too soon.”
These are gems.
REPLY:
Gotta sneak some fluff into every scene you know how I roll.
Oh goodness, but Stefan wanting to know her as a person. Ughhhhhh.
And the ruse of “for the sake of Bonnie.” I’m calling bullshit.
“Who was he, Nicholas Sparks?” Lol, I mean, it worked out, though, dude.
REPLY:
Stefan’s a lost cause.
As always, my friend, you’ve done a phenomenal job. Your writing style is so unique and fabulous, and it just adds to the storyline itself, like, it’s own entity in this whole thing. Bless. So excited for the next chapter. Did I hear more sexytimez for the bamon babes?
REPLY:
GIRL I COULD SAY THE SAME DAMN THING ABOUT YOURS. Like even in this review alone - hysterical and eloquent af. I know you probably know this, but no one ever thinks that of their own writing (or at least I don’t think they do lmao, if they do LEMME HAVE A HIT OF THAT CONFIDENCE BOO ‘cause I didn’t even know I had a style), so it’s legit amazing to hear that the style stands out to you, and know that I’m boomeranging that comment right back atcha. Next chapter is sloooowly chugging along, by which I mean I’m writing at a regular pace but I’m trying to cram a legitimately concerning/insane amount of scenes into it. Like 15. LMAO. RIP Gabi. But hopefully it won’t take me too long! Also, it’s the last of the intensely emotional chapters for a while (just a lot of big moments I need to get right), so even if this takes forever, the rest should be a little faster. I feel like I say this after every chapter and nothing changes, looooool. BUT ANYWAY, you’re a marvel, this review is everything, I’m feelsy, you’re hilarious, write a book, bye.
#reply#six mornings after#review#15#sma bamon#sma maroline#sma steroline#sma matt#sma bonnie#sma damon#sma caroline#lmao I have to tag so much because I launched into so many unnecessary metas#I must be stopped#anyway this is glorious and cassie's glorious it's fine#also this took me no joke two hours to respond to#like my laptop started lagging behind my typing in protest#I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO SLOW GUYS BUT I'M TRYING#submission
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