#constant anxiety and panic 24/7
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☆ even the gods bleed [ pt 2 ]
{☆} characters furina, neuvillette
{☆} notes cult au, imposter au, multi-chapter, gender neutral reader
{☆} warnings none
{☆} word count 1.9k
{☆} previous [ 1 ]
This had to be a punishment of some sort – some kind of divine punishment.
She was bored out of her mind just watching the sleeping body – she hadn't blinked once in the past five hours, her eyes were really starting to hurt. Yet they still hadn't moved so much as an inch since she sequestered them away to the only place she had known to be safe.
But it'd been almost a week since then.
The only solace she found was that Teyvat had seemed much less hellbent on collapsing in on itself like a dying star.
That counted for something.
Not much, but something!
..Even if their position was no better then it was a week ago.
There was, after all, still the issue of what to do about the false Creator – the actual imposter – and the Archons following them like blind lambs. The other Archons wouldn't listen if she tried to reason with them, and it would only risk the life of Divine One if she spoke of their location to anyone else.
She also was pretty fond of having her head still attached to her shoulders.
So she avoided them all together. Partially because she wasn't sure she wouldn't have a breakdown at the sight of them..she'd never been a fighter, and fighting an Archon? Easy pass.
Instead she was forced to babysit the sleeping Divine until they woke up while Neuvillette handled taking care of the nation and dealing with the other Archons – and by extension the false Creator.
Really though, she would almost think them dead if not for the subtle rise and fall of their chest.
Though..this also left her with a lot of time to herself. A lot of time to think.
She really didn't like it.
There wasn't a lot to occupy her mind and what little there was only distracted her for a scant few moments before her eyes drifted back to the Divine like she was locked in their orbit, unable to escape.
She closed the same book for the twelfth time – she kept count – and returned it to it's meticulously designed place within her bookcase. A low, barely audible huff of frustration escaped her lips before she could bite it down, her stare boring a hole into the body of the Divine One with a sharp intensity she rarely showed.
She was tired, bored and constantly on edge, fearing that at any moment someone would find out about their presence here.
That, at the drop of a hat, she would be powerless to stop the greatest tragedy of her time play out before her eyes.
Neuvillette would have scolded her for being so petulant, especially around the Divine One, if he were here.
But he wasn't.
He was out running her nation, instead.
And what was she doing? Nothing!
She grit her teeth, nails digging harshly into the palm of her hands as she took a deep breath – now was not the time to think about that. She had..much more pressing matters. Sulking and letting her thoughts spiral helped no one, least of all herself.
Yet her attention was caught by a harsh inhale, the rustle of fabric – were they finally waking up? She was exhausted, but it all vanished at the sudden drop of life within the otherwise deathly still body of the Divine.
Her eyes followed the subtle twitch of their fingers, watching as their brow furrowed and their features twisted in something almost like..pain.
..She wasn't ready.
What was she supposed to say?
Should she even say anything? Would that be considered impolite? Does she wait for them to speak first? Should she kneel? Bow?
She doesn't get much time to find her own answer before their lashes flutter, chest heaving with every strangled breath. Every single thought vanishes from her mind the moment she meets their eyes.
For a long, silent moment she thinks that her heart must have stopped.
Their eyes glow like the cresting of the sun over the horizon, painting the world in hues of gold – yet it also reminded her of the dipping of the moon below the waves, casting the briefest, most gentle of lights upon the world engulfed in darkness. In the depths of their eyes was the birth and death of stars in the infinite cosmos – glittering stars in a sea of empty, blank space that left her feeling lightheaded and breathless.
Beneath the splendor is a spark of recognition in their eyes so vibrant it was like a shooting star piercing through the dark night sky, leaving nothing but the wonder in the eyes of the observer as the only proof it ever existed – brilliant in it's beauty, however brief.
It is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.
"Focalors?"
The lilt of their voice nearly made her knees buckle beneath her – euphoria so consuming it left her feeling she was starving swallowed her whole, her mind blanking in a moment of utter bliss. It was..an indescribable feeling that she doubted she could ever hope to put into words – not in a way that could properly express it, try as she might.
She swallowed the words that threatened to spill from her lips – she couldn't make a fool of herself. Not in front of them of all people. She'd never forgive herself.
"Divine One," She rasps, clearing her throat and covering her mouth with a hand to mask both her nervousness and the small smile that creeps across her face. She quickly regains her composure, hand resting on her hip as she puffs out her chest with every bit of pride she can manage. "I am sure you must be confused, but worry not– your most loyal acolyte has seen the truth!"
The silence is deafening.
She opens one eye, peaking at the bewildered and almost distraught expression of the Divine.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
That..she was not prepared for. Surely they knew who they were! Surely they knew. They had to– she's been praying to them for as long as she's breathed, she's dedicated every hour of her life to living up to their ideals, they can't just–!
"Lady Furina?"
Neuvillette, thankfully, spares her the embarrassment of having a meltdown in front of the Divine, the gentle rap of his knuckles against the door making her and the Divine pause, the soft lull of his voice soothing her nerves and yet setting her on edge at the same time.
"Neuvillette." She clears her throat again, her steps hurried as she marches to the door and pries it open none too gently, a forced smile pulling at her lips. She wastes no time tugging the man into the room, shutting the door behind him with a short huff. The silence is, somehow, even worse then before as the three of them stare at each other in absolute exasperation.
Neuvillette, for his part, manages to get his act together with a sharp clearing of his throat, bowing so low even she looks unnerved. She steals a brief glance at the Divine, and she's taken aback by the uncomfortability twisting their features into a grimace.
Their expression is schooled back into one of empty apathy when he stands back to his full height, but she saw it – she knows she did! Did they not like their worship? Were they not respectful enough? For a moment, she feared the Divine would smite Neuvillette down on the spot..but they just stared at him like he was a ghost.
"Why aren't you killing me?"
The defeated, resigned tone combined with the way their voice cracks makes her heart ache in her chest – it feels as though her entire world is crumbling down at her feet, and she cannot explain why she feels such emotions so strongly, but it is suffocating. It is almost as if Teyvat itself is weeping, bearing down upon her shoulders like a heavy weight.
She feels the urge to weep herself, but she powers through, gritting her teeth long enough for Neuvillette to take his place at the side of her – though it feels more like their – bed, kneeling like he was going to pray.
"Divine One," He offers a hand with a quiet rumble of his voice, the words slipping off his tongue like honey. It's like trying to soothe a stray cat..though she'd never voice such comparisons of the most Divine out loud. "I..we mean you no harm. I swear on my authority as the Iudex of Fontaine and Chief Justice that you are safe with us."
The skepticism she expected, but the reverence in which Neuvillette must convince them – or perhaps they are simply so tired that they simply did not care any longer if it was all some ploy to drive a knife between their ribs. She didn't expect them to actually place their hand in Neuvillette's.
He didn't either, judging by the way he visibly brightened – not that they'd notice, but she did.
..Not that she could really blame him, her heels clicking against the floorboards as she shifted her weight to the other foot with a nervous energy that was practically bursting at the seams, more then a little jealous of the attention he was receiving. She was the one who found them, she was the one who stayed with them the entire time..but he gets all the attention?
How unfair.
"O-of course! We would never lay a hand on our creator," She adds, her voice a little higher pitched then she would have liked as she placed her hands on her hips, puffing out her chest and brushing off the sting of jealousy. "Least of all I– your most loyal, most devout acolyte!"
She felt baffled when she heard the sound of their laughter, her shoulders hunching and her cheeks flushing on mere instinct – she was expecting mockery, but the look in their eyes, still dulled by a pain she cannot even begin to imagine, made her hesitate.
..It was, perhaps, the most genuine thing she'd heard from them ever since before the hunt began.
She wasn't sure why her heart hurt at such an idea, but it was enthralling to see the beginnings of a half hearted smile on their lips.
For a moment, her mask of theatrics was forgotten as she stared at them in a mixture of awe and adoration– and though she didn't look at Neuvillette, she could imagine he must've shared such an expression.
Had she any doubts that they were her Creator, that they alone were the most Divine..they would wiped clean now. There was no mistaking the way the world itself seemed to grow clearer as they glanced up at her like she was worth something.
For a moment, she realized how cold the false Creators gaze had been now that she has felt warmth so gentle it almost made her knees buckle beneath her. It felt like a pale imitation, now.
Nothing could compare to the warmth that spread through her body at the mere semblance of a smile upon their lips. She didn't even mind if it was her they were laughing at anymore, she just wanted to hear them laugh again.
She'd make a fool of herself, if she had to.
She'd never felt so..ravenous for such a thing, but just the briefest glimpse was addictive.
She simply couldn't help herself from striding across the room and clasping their free hand in her own, her smile wide enough to unnerve as she leaned her weight onto the bed. For a moment, she considered pulling away at the way they startled, but her mind was made up by then – there was no going back.
"Again."
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#fic tag#neuvillette#focalors#furina#dont ask what happened here idk#this was. also supposed 2 be neuvi focused and then i.#dont talk 2 me abt focalors i wont ever shut up#got a 300k word essay on hand abt how i feel abt her character/how i interpret her personality and her story#focalors jsut like me fr fr (cries at the slightest inconvenience or the slightest mean comment)#shes so pathetic girlfail im gonna chew on her#what happens when reader gets stuck with two emotionally repressed french bastards?? hell#neuvi is the “emotionless” flavor of emotionally repressed in that hes HORRIBLE at showing emotions at all#ask him to smile and its incredibly unnerving and theres too many teeth but hes trying his best please call him pretty or he will cry :(#furina is the flavor of emotionally repressed where she makes it up by having Too Many emotions#using theatrics and masks to show everyone what they want to see but inside this girl is a MESS#constant anxiety and panic 24/7#will do random shit and look at you and if u dont compliment her she will think u hate her and cry#compliment her and she'll do even stupider shit to try and impress you more#i love my scrunkly little babies they r so stupid and mentally ill someone get these bitches some THERAPY#i want 2 put them under a microscope#watch this be ooc fr furina when more of her lore drops if shes not girlfail im leaving#anyway see u in a week im going on a trip ill get back 2 u in 6-7 business days
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Me: Oh, I have a lot of anxiety issues.
Coworker: But you don't look anxious.
Me: ...
#generalized anxiety disorder#panic disorder#anxiety disorder#gad#i am living in constant anxiety 24/7#it fuels me everyday#hhhhhhh#tw vent#tw anxiety
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#new ability unlocked....✨health anxiety✨#I'm tired man I'm so fucking tired of panicking all the time because I feel like I'm going to pass out ot throw up#or constantly googling health symptoms what makes me feel thousands times worse and definitely doesn't calm me down#one day I'm sure I'm getting a heart attack on next day I have a brain tumor then epilepsy then I go for aneurysm...#fucking funniest thing is that it's been going on for two months and absolutely nothing happened to me#i just have constant headache nausea and pain in my stomach but I haven't passed out or threw up or anything#fuck I just want back my normal life when I'm not in constant worry#i feel like im 24/7 in a high alert panic mode so I can't comprehend anything calmly...#i feel like an animal that's constantly just running away from something#I'm scared too see a doctor because I don't even know how to explain my problems...they will think I'm completely insane...#I can't remember last time I ate something without feeling anxious and being in pain afterwards#and the worst thing is that I developed even ubhealier relationship with food by counting calories :))))#so even though I eat nothing I need to push myself into an intense workout because my brain tells me I need to burn everything#i didn't know ai could be even more messed up than I was before#but hey I lost a ton of weight and I am in the best shape I've ever been... it's all I ever wanted and it cost me only my sanity :)))))#i don't even have clothes to fit in anymore because everything literally falls down from me...#currently I'm convinced I'm going to pass out and die any second but I know I'll be alright I can't just die out of nowhere...#I'm healthy and everything will be okay...I survived so much and it will get only better#if you read this rant I typed out while hyperventilating congratulations you get a free cookie and a warm tea I'll be making#guys but seriously...do you know how to tackle this? or the only logical way is to see a doctor?#because I don't know how long can I go on like this considering from September my job should get even more stressful...#now my stress level is high like never before... just thinking about September is giving me a panic attack#aaaaand those are the things I shouldn't think about because the only thing stressing me out the most is my fucking self :)#that's the damn problem like the thing that's making me most stressed is the stress 🙃#I feel nauseous because I'm stressed and I'm stressed because I'm nauseous...makes sense#i think I'm loosing my mind...and it fucking sucks that I do this to myself for no reason at all#i have a nice relaxing day and then in the evening I decide to think about all the bad stuff and kill it all#another scary thing is living on your own without any close friends in your life and with your family hours away...it won't let me sleep#if anything happens I'm alone...if I pass out right now I need to take care about myself#i often think how long would it take to find my dead body here...and then I shake and cry because I don't want to die
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Hello! I do hope your having a fantastic day/night!
And may i say i do love your blogs style!
I do hope you dont mind if i drop a request in?
May i get Mukuro (Danganronpa, ) And Kaede ( Danganronpa ) with an S/O that carries their cat around to prevent their common panic attacks and anxiety attacks? Yet they do often get made fun of because of the cat since people think its childish-
I do hope its not too much to ask- i know its a little hard but i believe in you!
And i hope you dont mind that i am 🎀 anon!
-Signed with love by
- @regular-ol-anon
Good luck and please take your time!
┊₊˚{☁️} “Comfort Kitty” ₊˚꒦｡
꒦꒷︶꒷
ꔫ Requested by...꒱꒱ @Anon 🎀 ( #cutiekittysender : Anon🎀)
ꔫ Fandom꒱꒱ Danganronpa
ꔫ Genre ꒱꒱ Fluff {100% sfw}
ꔫ Type and pairing꒱꒱ Imagines (x reader)
ꔫ Featuring꒱꒱ Mukuro, Kaede, Hiyoko, Fuyuhiko, Nagito, Kokichi
ꔫ Pronouns꒱꒱ They/Them, GN reader
ꔫ Content Warning(s)꒱꒱Panic attacks, light angst, bullying, swearing, Danganronpa spoilers, minor yandere themes
ꔫ Summary꒱꒱ You carry your cat around everywhere! Including Hopes Peak. You have severe anxiety and when your significant other can't be with you 24/7, you need a companion so you're not living with constant panic attacks. Though...Some kids start making fun of you and calling you childish for having your emotional support animal with you. How will your significant other react to you crying at home because of the bullying?
ꔫ Author note(s)꒱꒱ IM CRYING- I SPENT 4 HOURS (IM SLOW AND GET DISTRACTED EASILY) WRITING THIS OR SOMETHING AND THAN I CTRL Z BY ACCIDENT AND IT WENT POOF, SO I NOW HAVE TO WRITE IT AGAIN. SORRY, THIS TOOK LIKE 500 YEARS AAAAA. Anyway, enjoy! Hope you're okay that I added more characters!!
She was a bit different about getting a cat at first because of her job and sister and was afraid something bad could happen to it, but that wasn't quite the case. Though, she would do anything to make you happy, so she was content with getting a cat in the end of things.
Plus with her originally being an orphan anyway, adopting was something she always had her hopes on doing; a pet is a great way to stop!
She knew about your constant anxiety and did her best to help, but sadly with her job she couldn't be there 24/7, so she's glad you have someone to help you when she can't be there. It truly puts her worry at ease.
She grew to love the cat too, and was happy you were confident enough to bring it everywhere with you.
Though when she saw you run home crying with your kitten from school...She knew something was up and anyone who hurt you like this was going on her hitlist....But first she had to go and check on you!
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You emitted sobs from your room. Your cat nudged against you, looking up at you; trying to comfort you. Normally this would help, but the issue was being laughed at for having the kitten. Since you ran home early because of the incident, your shared dorm with your girlfriend was just you and your cat since Hopes Peek was still in session. So who could this be? You slowly got up and sniffled. You tried to look sort of presentable, even though you were still very much upset. Opening the door, you looked up; it was Mukuro! Mukuro always had a very neutral expression, even when you started dating; but you could always tell her true expressions, anyway. She seemed worried, and you could figure out why. "(Y/N)? What happened...? Did you get hurt?" She questioned walking into the dorm room and lightly shutting the door behind her.
Mukuro seemed extremally calm, she always did after all she deals with stressful situations being a soldier and all. Though, this calmness didn't mean she wasn't worried, she was always worried and caring about you. You busted out in tears again, jumping up and wrapping your hands around the other as you continued to cry into your girlfriends shoulder. Mukuro was a bit stunned at your sudden movement, but she hugged you back scooching over onto the ground just holding you in her arms for a minute. Your cat purrs and walks over to both of you, rubbing their face on both of you. "You don't have to tell me if you don-" Mukuro was cut off by you looking up at her and beginning to explain how you were getting bullied today and mocked for bringing your cat to school with you.
"I'm so weak! I don't deserve to be an ultimate!!!" you mumbled into your lovers chest at the end of your explanation. Mukuro could only rub your back and leave a kiss on your head. "You're not weak my love, far from it. You don't deserve any of the words they dare say to you. I'll take care of them, don't worry." She said that last part more quieter than the rest. You sniffled and wiped away some tears and gave Mukuro a sweet smile, you honestly felt a lot better hearing her soothing voice ring throughout your ears. Your cat came up to you with a small meow while you petted the feline. "Thank you...I love you" you said to both your cat and your girlfriend.
The next day at Hopes Peak when you brought your cat, you were expecting the bullying to continue...Instead the kids that were making fun of you aren't anywhere to be seen. Just your girlfriend walking over to you and kissing you on the cheek as she walks you and your cat to all your classes. In reality, those kids were definitely checked off on Mukuro's hitlist.
You and Kaede both agreed to getting a cat, as it fits both your cozy lifestyles
Your panic attacks always worried her, though Kaede was amazing when it came to helping you through them; she used to have performance anxiety so she gets the feeling.
Super happy you found another great coping mechanism to use when you get all stressed out.
Since you both went to different schools, bringing your cat for comfort really helps you get through the day
Though because of that the bullying started and today you just couldn't take it anymore
So here you were on the bathroom floor next to your cat that was trying to comfort you, crying your eyes out
୨₊˚‿︵‿꒰🌸꒱‿︵‿˚₊୧
Kaede bent down to your level, frowning. She knew about the bullying and always tried her best to cheer you up, and most of the time it worked. This time, you seemed to be too stuck in your own head. Kaede didn't know what to do but hug you and put her hands through your hair in the hope of soothing the tears pouring out of your eyes. "I just wish I didn't have anxiety..." you mumbled in between sobs, your cat just lying on your lap, also not knowing what to do. Kaede was speechless, her mind fumbling over how to respond, but she responded in the only way she knew how: through music and song.
Kaede slowly got up from the ground your eyes tracing her movement as she went over to the other room where the piano was. You rubbed your eye and sniffled, curious on what she was about to do. Your girlfriend started playing the piano, it was your favorite song! Your cat perked up and started to trail around Kaede's feat as she started playing. You smiled getting up and wiping dried up tears, her playing always made you happy and this time...It made you confident and cared about. "Thank you Kaede." you whispered just enough for her to hear once she finished her song. She nodded in approval before giving you a peck on the cheek.
The next day at school the bullying continued, but you were no longer letting it get to you. You were confident bringing your cat with you and simply ignored those who were bothering you. You always remembered Kaede's piano playing when you were anxious about having your cat with you all the time and it truly just made you feel better. Thus, because of your ultimate pianist girlfriend; you feel much better about having your support kitty!
It was actually Hiyoko who wanted the cat in the first place since she never got to have an animal growing up
Of course you agreed, as cats are just the cutest and it would make a great addition to the family.
You always kept your anxiety pretty well hidden since that's just how you were, but you did notice when the cat was around it always helped your mind to be put at ease.
So you started carrying the little guy everywhere with you
Hiyoko didn't mind, she actually secretly thought it was so cute and was happy you both got along
You were only teased at school when Hiyoko wasn't around, since even the bullies feared to be bullied by her wrath
You never said anything as you felt it wasn't a big deal and didn't want to trouble your girlfriend
Though sometimes it was alot to handle and it stressed you out to the point you just broke down at school one day in the bathroom
୨₊˚‿︵‿꒰🌸꒱‿︵‿˚₊୧
Hiyoko waddled after you; she knew something was wrong, and she was absolutely right. "Huh? Y/N? What's wrong!?" She panicked as she hugged you close. Nobody but you would ever see this caring side to her, but she also didn't care if people saw it. Her focus was on you and only you. You sniffled and explained the mean things people had said to you and that it was just too much. She was surprised anyone would dare talk to you that way; you were perfect and the only person who understood her. She had a pouty face on; she was definitely not mad at you but rather at them.
"How dare those pig-faced bitches say anything mean to you? They're such losers, and how is it that they go this low? Hmph." She pouted, crossing her arms, and you giggled. The insults you thought were very creative and cute made you feel a bit better. Hiyoko smiled back at you and helped you up on the floor. Grabbing your hand, she started walking away with you before starting to speak once again. "Cm'on. I'm going to make them say sorry to you!" Your eyes widened; this is Hiyoko were talking about, so it's bound to be insults until they're crying apologies to you. Hiyoko knows how to hit all the weak spots.
You showed her the people that were being mean to you, and she crossed her arms, kimono draping. She looked pissed, and the bullies stopped in their tracks. "You pig-slut losers! You should carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen you waste! Were you born this stupid, or did you take lessons? I’d slap you, but I don’t want to make your face look any better. Now, see that door? Say sorry and go to the other side of it." She spurted at them, and it seemed to work, as they quickly apologized to you and did as she said. Maybe they were afraid of the amount of bullying Hiyoko would have done if they didn't, as what she said was just a sample. Hiyoko pouted and then looked at you with a smile. "Now, wanna go and get candy? We can get cat treats as well!" She tilted her head as you nodded and smiled back at her.
You already had your feline friend before you started dating Fuyuhiko
It was surprising to you how gentle and caring he was towards your pet. You didn't think he liked cats but he actually really does
You never really carried your cat around before your relationship bloomed, but your anxiety started to get bad and Fuyuhiko was always at dangerous jobs so he wasn't around alot unfortunately
Though when he is around, even though he's not best with his words he gives the best physical affection that always eases your mind
Honestly people were scared to even talk to you because of your boyfriend, but those unknowing of who your boyfriend was was quick to tease and pick on you. Not a good idea on there part
You didn't want to worry Fuyuhiko with this since he has enough on his plate, so you just silently sobbed to yourself when he was away
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A few tears trickled down your cheeks while you were in your shared dorm. Your boyfriend was already gone for whatever the Yakuza had going on at the moment, and he wasn't expected to be home until much later. The bullying earlier really got to you and stressed you out; you weren't sure what else to do but cry and curl up in a ball. Your cat was in the other room asleep; you didn't want even your fluffy little fur ball to see you like this. After a few moments, the door opened quietly. Usually, you would be taking a nap at this time, so Fuyuhiko probably thought as much. When your boyfriend walked in, you tried to quickly wash away your tears, but Fuyuhiko already saw the emotional distress you were in.
His eyes widened, he crouched down to your level, and he gave you a hug. "Who the fuck did this to you? Are you hurt?" He panickily asks, trying to be as quiet as he can to not scare you or make your anxiety worse. You nodded and sniffled, afraid to talk, but you knew it would only worry your boyfriend if you didn't. You took a deep breath, looked up at Fuyuhiko, and made eye contact. Soon enough, you were crying your eyes out, explaining your situation to your beloved. Fuyuhiko's eyes turned to anger. How could someone dare even say a word to you without his permission, nevermind say something so filthy? He took a deep breath, controlling his anger so as not to take it out on you. He kisses you on the lips lightly as you melt into it. "I'll handle it; don't worry, Y/N. I fucking promise you." He whispered into your ear.
The next day, you brought your cat to school as always, expecting the bullies to come and torment you again, almost forgetting Fuyuhiko's promise, until he tapped you on the shoulder. You turned around and smiled at him, pecking his lips with a kiss. He wasn't usually at school because of his job, so it was a happy surprise. "By the way, Y/N, Peko is handling those fuckers today, so she won't be here," he whispered into your ear as your eyes widened. It was a good day to have a Yakuza boyfriend!
He says yes to whatever you want, you are his little hope bagel after all!
But.....A pet? After what happened to his dog he wasn't sure if he deserved to take care or even be around another animal; afraid his luck would do something to it
After a lot of convincing him that it'll be okay, you both agreed to get a kitten
You got a white kitten that looked very similar to Nagito in a weird way, it was comforting to think even when the short minutes when Nagito was away you still had a piece of him
So you started to bring the kitten everywhere with you!
Nagito also suffers from anxiety, so if anyone he understands it the best. He's overjoyed you found a great coping mechanism
Plus he doesn't think he's good enough to comfort you, so this also puts his mind at ease.
Nagito regularly got bullied at school, and it's usually you that would stand up from him but since you started bringing a cat with you...Things started to change
You're a really sensitive person and don't know how to deal with being picked on so you just start crying
୨₊˚‿︵‿꒰🌸꒱‿︵‿˚₊୧
Nagito was a clingy mess, so of course he was with you when you overheard some kids talking bad about you and your cat, and he was there when you started to tear up. Nagitos’ heart broke. How dare someone bring despair to his precious hope? You tried not to weep In front of your boyfriend, not that you were afraid to show weakness but the fact that you couldn’t stand him being a big worried mess about you. Your boyfriend stayed calm and took your hand and guided you out of the school.
You didn’t ask what he was doing as you were ecstatic to leave the school and destress. Your cat was on Nagito’s shoulder, curious about how to make you feel better. You and Nagito walked to the car, Nagito in the driver’s seat and you in the passenger seat. He frowned, looking over at your saddened and stressed out state. You had no words as when you were upset and stressed; talking wasn’t a thing you did. Nagito hugged you close and tilted his head. “It’s okay, my hope. Everything will be okay. You’re so strong and beautiful, please don’t listen to their despairful words,” he said softly as your cat climbed onto your lap and curled up, purring. You pet your kitten, then giggle and pet Nagito's hair.
Later that day, Nagito drove both of you home. He had a plan of how to handle those people who were picking on you, but for now, he decided to keep your mind off of it. Thus, you Nagito and your kitten all cuddles on the couch together and watched your favorite movie. “... I love you,” you mumbled to Nagito as you cuddled into his chest, snuggling your head into him. His face turned red with blush as you cuddled onto his chest.. You said this a lot to him, but he won’t ever believe he has such a hopeful, significant other that truly loves him. “I love you too.”
Why do you want a cat? Isn't he good enough for you?
He would tease you, but all with love of course
At the adoption center of course he acted like a toddler looking at all the animals and pointing....
"OOOOH!! WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE? CMON! THIS ONES SO COOL!!!"
After an hour you adopted a black cat because Kokichi said it looked evil, but that was a lie as the cat was the sweetest thing to both of you
The kitty would always seem to make you happy just as much as Kokichi did. He had to admit he was a SLIGHHHHT bit jealous but he still was happy for your small little friend
Kokichi was either hated or loved at school, no in between, but everyone knew that you were his queen/king/royalty because he would talk about you ALL the time
So those that didn't like him...Well also didn't like you, but until you started bringing your cat around they had nothing to make fun of you for
You were used to teasing by Kokichi, but this is straight out bullying with the cruel words they said to you
Once the day ended you broke down, frowny face and all
୨₊˚‿︵‿꒰🌸꒱‿︵‿˚₊୧
You were off on the way to your dorms while walking with your kitten on your shoulder and boyfriend next too; you did this every day after your classes, but this time you weren’t as cheerful and you weren’t teasing Kokichi back when he made snarky remarks. He took notice of this but didn’t want to say anything in public with all the other ultimate’s walking through to their own dorms. Kokichi frowned before bringing you closer and taking your hand.
He just held your hand on the way back to both of your dorms. Your cat went off to eat, and Kokichi grabbed your wrist with concern. “… What happened?” he asked in a worried tone, tilting his head. “W-what do you mean?” you acted dumb trying to ease your lovers’ concern. “Don’t lie to me, please tell me” a small tremble in his voice at this point; you just sighed and frowned before telling him everything that’s been happening and you started sobbing at the end of your explanation.
Shock swept over Kokichi. He knew people hated him and he couldn't care less, him and D.I.C.E would just prank them all the time anyway, but he draws the line of them messing with his queen/king/royalty. The rest of the night was filled with special attention from your little supreme leader. He was a clingy mess, and you loved it! He gave you many pecks on the cheeks and did everything in his power to distract you from what happened, besides he plans to have D.I.C. E give them the worst prank he can think of tomorrow, making sure they never dare make fun of you for having an emotional support animal again.
While you both were cuddling, your cat wanted to join as it pounced onto the bed and curled in between you two, meowing and being a cutie. “See! It’s dividing me from my queen/king/royalty. I told you it’s evil!!!” Kokichi states, giving a pouty look to your cat. All you could do was facepalm at his shenanigans. He was such a loveable goofball.
#cutiekittysender : Anon🎀#nyanyafluffxoxo#fanfic#fanfiction#fluff#danganronpa#danganronpa x reader#open requests#requests open#mukuro x reader#kaede x reader#hiyoko saionji#fuyuhiko#fuyuhiko x reader#nagito x reader#kokichi x reader#gn reader#they/them reader#hiyoko x reader
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Being Scotty’s Best Friend Would Include...
Request: I'm so excited you brought up Star Trek! I was wondering if you could do some hcs for having Scotty as a best friend. I'm such a big fan of your writing. I hope you're having a great day!
Oh my gosh I’m always here for a little Scotty love and it’s been far too long since I wrote for Star Trek! Thank you darling :)
Warning: mentions of drinking alcohol, and mentions of injury/needles!
(I do not own Star Trek or its characters, all rights go to creators. Gif credit goes to @whoophoney.)
☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°
I love my Scottish icon so much but since he takes on literally 100% of the stress for keeping this beautiful old ship afloat, he is on the brink of an exhaustion induced mental breakdown 24/7. Sometimes you have to go down to Sickbay and rope Bones into helping you; the look of panic on Scotty’s face when the two of you step out of the turbo lift and come literally sprinting towards him is something behold. With only minimal squirming, the two of you manage to rope yourselves around his arms and drag him down to his room just to get a few hours of bloody sleep. You stay, flopping down on his sofa because you know Scotty too well, and in two jiffs he’d be making a beeline straight for those sliding doors again. Bones even decides he can finish off his last bits of paperwork in the corridor, helping you keep watch.
You and Scotty manage to finally come to a halfway point: he’ll stay in his room, but only if he can curl up onto the settee next to you, and fall asleep with his chin smushed against the side of your face. He has a massive crick in his neck when he wakes up the next morning, stretching his arms out past your head while you shake a glob of his slobber off your shoulder, but it’s worth it to see how bouncy he is back down in engineering.
Sometimes when things are a bit slower on the Enterprise the two of you will have drinking competitions down in his office. Chekov happens to wander past one afternoon, and comes in laughing when he spots you desperately trying to hold back your laughter as Scotty wiggles his eyebrows on you. He nearly jumps out of his seat in a fit of giggles when you accidentally spray half of the whiskey in your mouth out over his uniform, but poor Chekov decides to wander over to your desk right then and gets most of it on the side of his face.
To be completely honest, the joy the two of you bring to each other is so infectious, that most of the Enterprise’s crew seem to gravitate towards the two of you at one time or another. One night, you and Scotty were sitting in a couple of desk chairs in the recreation room, nothing but the pearls of picked starlight whirling in the open expanse behind your head to keep you company in the dim room. The two of you are trying to speak over each other, gossip and idle chatter passing easily between the two of you as you unwind after a very long week down main engineering. It’s a very chill, warm, and comforting vibe that Jim walks in to: your legs are slung over Scotty’s lap as you nod at whatever topic his mind has jumped onto now, and he stops every so often to over you his whiskey bottle and steal it back once you’ve taken a sip. Jim likes to just sit in the same room as the two of you, because the constant stream of familiar chatter immediately drowns out and calms the storm of anxiety that brews up slowly in his head.
This man has an absolutely abysmal sense of humour, and you adore it. The ship could be in the middle of an intense attack, sweat dripping down both your faces as you make a run to the engine, trying to stop a couple of the blades from spinning off in a fiery blaze that would destroy half the cabins. Despite you literally hauling his ass through a small shaft, your grip on his legs tenuous at best as you try to dangle some equipment out from the loops of your belt, Scotty decides it’s the best time to try and crack terrible jokes to alleviate the tension. Well, he says ‘tension’, but to be completely honest he knows how afraid you are, and it breaks his heart to think that he could die without even trying to help you.
Well, he tries to crack jokes until the ship lurches sideways, and then you’re dangling from the railings around the engine while Scotty holds onto your shoulders ‘scooby doo’ style.
This man is seriously, genuinely, incredibly protective over you. He sees you as his sibling: the closest thing he has to family (before he gets close to the rest of the crew as well), and so if he finds Spock to be a little too... demeaning towards you, even though he doesn’t mean to be, he will 100% shove you behind his back. The incorrectly filled out paperwork Spock was trying to hand back to you flutters down to the floor, and Spock raises an eyebrow in measured surprise as Scotty’s fingers encircle your wrist. Then the pointer finger comes out wagging, his mouth goes off running, and you’re pretty sure you can hear him yell ‘go ahead, fire me! You bet your arse you won’t be able to find two better engineers in all the universe, laddie!’
Spock, frozen in place and confused with the interaction, just turns his head to you and offers an apology once Scotty finally cools down a little. Once he heads back to the bridge to recount what happened to an incredibly amused Jim, Scotty’s tight grip onto your wrist turns into a bone crushing hug. He mutters his own sincere apologies for letting that happen into the top of your head, hefting your feet off the floor and spinning you around, his face burning red as his chin bumps against your forehead.
He has this little check in he likes to do with you (well, mainly to check in, but also to tease you a little in the proper brotherly fashion.) You know you should probably run away when he starts slinking over to where you’re tinkering with your wrenches, with a sly smile on his face. He’ll come leaning against the wall beside you, running the back of his knuckles down the side of your face fondly, before gently slapping the side of your cheek a couple of times. You always do your best to try and poke him on the shoulder back, but that little bugger is fast as lightening as he ducks away from you and runs down towards the corridor. Sometimes Bones has wandered tiredly into one of the medical supply closets, nearly being knocked down onto his ass as you run past him with a little goblin grin and a big wave. He should have known rightly, as he opens the door, that Scotty would be hiding in here. Scotty, however, is incredibly surprised, and falls down from the pipe he’s hanging onto from the ceiling down onto a stack of shelves.
Bones just sighs and heaves him up, his tricorder already out and scanning his head as he leads him down to Sickbay. He knows to get on his comms immediately and notify you because: 1) the two of you have this kind of sixth sense where you know when the other is in trouble, so you’re already perched on the edge of Len’s desk, immediately yelling at Scotty before the two of them have hobbled through the door. And 2) Scotty, like Jim, absolutely does his best to escape Sickbay at all costs and it drives Len insane, so he needs your help to keep him in his biobed. Bones does his best to stitch up the gash in Scotty’s leg as you loop your arm around his left and haul him back down. Between muffled swears, Scotty trying to jerk you off, and you patting the beads of sweat away from his forehead gently to comfort him, Scotty begins to ease into it.
I feel like the two of you would be the type to try and tease Jim any chance you got. Say, if there’s some huge ballroom event held down at base that the crew all go to? You and Scotty are definitely on the dance floor, having a competition to see who can stand on the other’s feet the most, and waltzing terribly back and forth in front of poor Jim and whoever he’s currently trying to hold a conversation with. Eventually he just gives up, and the two of you are beat in your terrible dancing only by Jim and Spock, who he’s managed to coax to the edge of the floor and is currently just doing a slow box step in place around Jim’s arms lmao.
Sometimes you’ll head back to your quarters after a long shift to find Scotty’s bent over behind greeting you. Turns out, once he turns around in surprise with a sheepish grin, that he has spent his break fixing bits and bobs around your room. Eh, there’s a few concerning bolts scattered around your floor, and your shower now has an extra knob that you’re far too terrified to turn, but he’s so sweet bless his heart. He gets this massive, sunshine filled, proud grin on his face when you thank him for helping out, and comes clambering over towards you to engulf you in a bear hug. He has a hard time telling the people that he cares about that he loves him, so acts of devotion are definitely this man’s love language. He’s just trying to show you how much he cares in the only way he knows how, so please squeeze your arms around his waist and grip onto the broad expanse of his back, because it’s the best way for him to understand that you return the sentiment.
The two of you usually spend your shore leave together: either the two of you find a random, deserted planet and do your best to spend the time curled up asleep on the shore of a serene beach, or he takes you back to Glasgow to visit Fran since she loves you so much.
He pretends, fervently, that he’s not incredibly dependent on you being around, but bruh. If the plans ever need to change, or you receive a message on your communication device about an emergency situation back at Starfleet you’re being sent for, Scotty will act really mopey and upset for the rest of the trip because he truly misses your company so much.
#star trek#star trek imagine#scotty#montgomery scott#scotty imagine#montgomery scott imagine#scotty x reader#montgomery scott x reader#scotty headcanons#montgomery scott headcanons#star trek headcanons#star trek tos#star trek aos
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Hiii tell me all about Nat I love him sm
:D!!!
Hi hello! Absolutely I can tell you about Nat! I’m glad you like him and thank you for the question!!
Here is a big ol' chunk of words, some bits I've nabbed from other posts, too :3
Nathaniel Felix Finch, a good boy, a sweet boy! He’s the protagonist of our silly little horror trilogy, much to his dismay
He’s 25 years old and works at Stop ‘N’ Go 24/7 Petrol and Convenience, where he is prone to falling asleep on the register and shoplifting (both encouraging it and participating in it <3). He’s a bit of a hermit, not because he doesn’t want friends, but because he’s awkward, anxious and paranoid. He’s got schizotypal personality disorder like me, so it’s tough for him to engage with the world and feel comfortable
His story kicks off when he wakes up on the side of the road in his rental car covered in dirt with no memory of the past nine days. All attempts to return to regular life are quickly thwarted when it becomes apparent he’s turning into something inhuman and ravenous. He spends a week in agony and coughing up blood and almost passing out in public and being starving and existing in constant sensory overload… which reaches a gory climax when he kills and eats someone in a botched robbery of his petrol station and he's like Ah Fuck Apparently I’m A Vampire Somehow And I Just Ripped Someone’s Throat Open I’m Going To Go Have A Panic Attack Now
He is yoinked from mortal peril by shifty fucking bastard with a mile long list of ulterior motives perfectly ordinary kind selfless human person Quinn Cooper, and a bonkers plot ensues <3 Book one mostly sees Nat struggling with his new condition and trying to figure out what happened in his blackout and why he got vampired, and slowly uncovering the grim secrets Quinn is hiding. Book two and three wander into more “Nat Finch Is Going To Kill And Eat Vampire God (The Garble)” territory
What to say about Nat… hm…
He’s an excited, friendly, cuddly lad, if you can get past his layers upon layers of anxiety! He loves people although he’s afraid of them, and believes people are good and that he can do good in the world. He’s prone to bouts of depression and apathy on occasion, though, and especially struggles to balance his kind, gentle nature with the fact that he now has to eat people to survive. He's got a big existential crisis coming hahahaha
He loves animals! He regularly donates to wildlife charities despite not having that much money to begin with, and used to volunteer at a cat café for rescue cats (with Yvonne, another of our main characters!), and only stopped due to his social anxiety. He has a sweet little rescue kitty named Grub, who's just the scrungliest ugliest thing you've ever seen (he'll cry if he hears you say that, though). He's been a vegetarian since he was 17, and still considers himself one despite the fact that he's now an entire vampire who preys on humans. So you get like..... bits in the story where Nat drains some guy like a capri sun then the next day is like "no I can't come to check out the new Korean BBQ place with you Quinn I'm a vegetarian :((( you'll have to take someone else :((("
He's also a good cook and especially loves cooking for other people and sharing meals! This is one of the most common ways he shows affection :3 If Nat drills you about your favourite food and offers to cook it for you sometime, this means he wants to be friends :-) Most of his dishes are vegetarian, but if he really, really likes you he’ll cook meat as long as you ask nicely
He loves to be useful! He’ll gladly rush around and help with errands or putting furniture together or organising things. If you tell him you appreciate him or he did a good job he will bask in that compliment for weeks like a golden retriever that’s just been told it’s a good boy haha
Tragically he can be a bit of a doormat, especially at the start of the story. Though he pretended to be fine with his solitary lifestyle and loneliness, he’s always desperately wanted connection and friendship, and this makes him prone to letting people take advantage of him or manipulate him.... purely because at least that way he feels "useful", and they're more likely to keep him around...... he improves a lot on this front, though, so don't fret! We get to see the lad's self-esteem improve! He initially doesn't really like himself that much, but the story gets to see him come into his own and find his values and worth....! He's a good, kind, intelligent person with a lot to offer, he just takes a while to figure it out!
Oh also he's a huuuuge drama queen and is completely willing to play up being sad and pathetic to get what he wants <3 this is an important Nat Fact to know
Hmmmmm.......... what else......
So, it becomes clear as the story goes on, he’s not exactly a regular vampire… he can access a lot more of the Garble hivemind’s power than other vampires can, which left unchecked can result in an overload of power affectionately referred to as Monster Mode Nat :P a big ol’ body horror vampire creecher! Violent and aggressive and jumpy, out of control. It’s usually a state of intense fear for him, something that occurs when he’s in very dire straits, when he or his friends are threatened, etc etc… a Nat too far in Protector Mode, basically, that can easily become dangerous even for the people he's meant to be defending. He is still able to recognise Friends, though it takes him more effort, but struggles to make sense of unfamiliar people as anything other than resources, food or threats
As far as regular vampire Nat in the day-to-day goes, he's prone to all the usual vampire instincts. He’s got extra anxiety and paranoia and jumpiness on top of what he already had, he's got that usual insatiable insufferable vampire curiosity, he loves to bask and be cosy and snuggle with friends. He can purr and it's extremely cute. He has a moderate to severe allergic reaction to sunlight though it won't kill him immediately, he struggles with garlic much to his despair as a cook, n he has an extremely high prey drive that he has to work very hard to manage
Oh and Nat mostly preys on rich pricks and abusive bosses, as well as the occasional creeps at bars, which is very valid of him <3
Anyway yeah! This has been Nat Posting with Monday! I hope you have enjoyed these Nat Facts <3
#yoinked some of this from other previous nat posts#:D#a rental car takes a left down rake street and disappears#nat
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Check ALL The Warnings In The Tags If You’re Ducking Below The Read More.
DISCLAIMER: This is a post about me specifically and my broken fucking brain. I am not trying to make any sweeping statements about colonizer guilt or “activism burn-out,” of which others have made EXCELLENT points and i am not trying to draw away from those conversations at all. This is specifically about how my panic disorder and suicidal ideation are making it difficult for me to safely manage my level of involvement and interaction online, at the expense of the ability to actually put in the work for change out in the real world.
OKAY.
Last post on mobile. Tumblr is officially deleted from my phone. we are on Set Amount Of Time A Day - PC/Desktop only for a while.
To be very clear the point of this is not looking for sympathy or trying to be guilt trippy, just trying to get a hold of where my head’s at and let y’all know I’m not gonna be around so much but that I’m okay. Or least, this is me TRYING to be okay.
i CANNOT let the doom-scrolling keep affecting my ability to actually do anything that might actually help. The way i’ve been interacting on this site, trying to Stay Informed but blurring that line and crossing into constantly seeking more and more details that i NEED to admit i can’t handle, whether it’s the level of detail or the constantness of it or both…
the paralysis and anxiety and panic and - there’s an actual word for when you keep vividly imagining the absolute worst possible outcome but i can’t remember what it is, probably something else starting with “doom” - anyways the point is i clearly don’t have the ability right now to:
a) have any kind of ready access to The Horrors without making it… LITERALLY constant in my life. i don’t have the control to take it in measured doses, i need to recognize that if i have any kind of access all the time it WILL be a 100% deep dive nothing but the fucking trauma and abominations being inflicted on others in detail from the moment i get up until i finally clear my head enough to sleep for a few hours. which yeah i KNOW Palestinians in Gaza don’t GET that luxury it IS 24/7 all the time for them and I wouldn’t be complaint about that at ALL honestly if it weren’t for the fact that right now CLEARLY i do not have the fucking ability to
b) stop that from paralyzing me from any Real Action. It just locks me up. It SHOULDNT i should be able to compartmentalize that shit because physically for now i am fine my family is fine but instead i just fucking sit there , blankly staring as I scroll through atrocity after atrocity after atrocity that powerful governments are supporting, feeling like i cant do shit cuz it’s just getting worse and worse, then guilty that i feel like giving up, then GUILTY that i feel guilty because who am i trying to guiltrip here who CARES if I feel guilty when i’m not in the same situation they are they have it so much worse and they keep on going what would YOU do in that situation huh if you can’t even handle THIS - then that kicks of the vivid imaginings of me and my family experiencing that kind of slow death and dismemberment and being crushed by rubble then of course because we’re in america close to dc my brain jumps to nukes and how we’re in the zone JUST far away enough from DC for it not to kill us outright it would be slow and horrifying and painful and could i bring myself to at least get in the car and make it up to them so we could at least die together or would it be alone and afraid like all these people around the world are going through, that Palestine is going through, that my government is putting them through -
anyways it’s that spiral that keeps me sitting and scrolling and sitting and scrolling and wallowing in - what i genuinely thought was me just being a shitty fucking person but i realize now was actually genuinely - an anxiety attack (that’s the one that’s slow and creeping, right? panic is the fast sharp one) like an actual physically can’t shake myself out of “i forgot my brain was fucking broken, the adhd meds aren’t gonna magically fix everything” anxiety attack. Every goddamn day.
And let me be very clear again about my point here my point is not to try and guilt trip or garner sympathy my POINT is -
I cant do the kind of shit that actually helps anyone, in real fucking life, if I keep sending my brain into lockdown panic “All Is Lost, You Suck, Just Fucking Die” mode.
I want to be better, do better, be stronger, not have to look away at all. But I can’t trust myself not to fucking…. wallow in the goddamn despair of it all right now. So I need to take that option away.
Because who’s it really for, honestly? All the sharing and the posting? There’s a limit to what actually helps. The people following me have already made up their minds, one way or another. Sharing more of the same old shit isn’t going to actually CHANGE anything. Once youre through the new information of the day, the shit people actually need to know that they might not already… it feels like it’s just fucking… performative bullshit. like it’s all about making sure people SEE you still sharing all of this stuff. Oh look i’m still involved see how involved i am see how i’m still reading and sharing and posting all this stuff arent I a Good Activist?
What does any of that matter if it’s breaking my brain so much I can’t actually do any activism???
I would rather be considered weak and selfish by strangers on the fucking internet who don’t see me sharing as many posts as they think I should, but who ACTUALLY KEEPS WRITING the emails and MAKING the calls and SEEKING OUT events and disruptions and protests that maybe i can actually PARTICIPATE in
Than to keep showing off how i’m not “Looking Away” online but then spend every night sitting on my couch doing Fuck All about it, locked in a perpetual doom scroll through my For You page, imagining my flesh slowly burning and melting off as I hoist my whimpering dying dog’s body into the back of my car and desperately try to reach my parent’s house in time to say good bye and all go together, then shoving all that down into a flimsy box at the last minute to be able to smile at my mom and act like I just swung by to help with the floors instead of absolutely needing to see her and my father alive right now and touch them and fucking hate myself for indulging in that when Palestinians can’t so much that i force myself into an even deeper doom scroll next time as penance because how dare i look away for a MOMENT i can see them i can live i NEED to MAKE myself look at what’s happening-… rinse and repeat.
#thoughts of death#some suicidal ideation#mostly the worst bit is the last paragraph i might’ve gotten a little carried away with explaning my most common imagined death scenario#via Nuke#uuhhhh what else description of a hopelessness spiral#that i’m TRYING to fight it’s not going great but i’m TRYING#i think that’s about it. i swear despite these tags it’s a HOPEFUL post. it’s just i gotta be more realistic about how utterly FUCKED my#ability to stay sane about all this is in order to actually TAKE the steps i need to take to do something USEFUL about it#OH and brief but descriptive mention of dog death for those particularly sensitive to it
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As is tradition since I think I started this account in 2012, I tend to do a post about all the more interesting things that happened in the year and what I hope happens in the next so...
Yeah.
Here we go.
Met David Tennant and got not only my photo taken with him and his signature, but I also got three hugs from him. He is a very lovely man, and gosh is he pretty in person. <3
Met Rhys Darby in person and made him burst out laughing when I told him I recognized him as the freaking Pistachio King from Milo Murphy's Law. He wasn't expecting that role of all things.
Last day of my trip for the con I discovered a lump on my chest that really hurt and for two and a half months I was stuck in a constant state of anxiety because they thought it was inflammatory breast cancer. Turns out it was just a really bad infection that had very similar symptoms.
Lost our oldest dog in October :(
My mom did get a pug puppy a few months beforehand tho, as she had been wanting a pug for years
Had probably one of the most absolutely obnoxious family reunions this year, but was able to go up into the mountains and had a lovely time in nature. And I got to pick huckleberries, which I've never done before. That was nice.
Went to Colorado and sat the Monsters of Metal tour's last show there, with Mastodon (third time seeing them) and Gojira (first time seeing them)
Had a fucking experience listening to The Chant live at that showing and it was just... impossible to describe. It was beautiful.
Went to the Devil's Tower on the way to Colorado, it was pretty dang cool. Lots of alien shit everywhere, the area really loves to play up on that. Also went to the Denver Zoo and Meow Wolf, both of which were delightful. :D
Went to my little brother's high school graduation, cannot believe he's out of high school.
Experienced season two of Good Omens and am still recovering.
I was there when EVERY happened, in just ten minutes it was known and then quickly NO LONGER SPOKEN ABOUT. That was a fun hour of panic from the fandom. :)
Watched OFMD season 2 and... eh.
Watched all four of the new Doctor Who specials when they dropped and now Fourteen and Fifteen are my favorite Doctors. I love them.
Had probably some of the most stressful months I've ever had with my job because we were down to just three people for a staff that is meant to run a home that is 24/7. I'm still dealing with the stress from it even after we got more people hired. My paychecks were beautiful tho, so much overtime...
Apparently I got a stress fracture on Thanksgiving, happened in my sleep. I should be out of the boot officially next week.
Participated in a David Tennant-themed zine
Absolutely dumb thing to add, but my mom got me a DT cutout who now lives in my room. He's wearing a paper crown from a Christmas cracker because he's a king
Plans for the next year:
Going to see Hozier in August
Probably going to go back to Colorado, I want to see the aquarium
Going to ECCC for the third year in a row, going to get Jodie Whitaker's autograph
Hopefully I'll get to see my girlfriend again
Hopefully I'll get to finally see my best friends irl (We need to plan this better, guys!)
See if I can finally get my second tattoo
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Similarities List PART 2
Again, after lots of research has been done, deep thought (it took like half an hour just for one list) and lots of reading, here's the second part to this.....
Small note: SO SORRY FOR NOT HAVING POSTED IN A WHILE :(
MINORS DNI BEYOND THIS POINT
DICK GRAYSON (DC), NEWT (TMR) AND MATT MURDOCK (MCU)
Tease them, they will collapse into such big bottoms
h a n d j o b s
One day they're forcing you on your knees and ordering you around the next day they're sobbing and begging you to touch them
PRAISE KINKS. SO MUCH. SO MUCH PRAISE KINKS
...choking kink im sorry but its true
So soft and sweet
The sex depends on the mood
If its set to cute and fluffy, they'll hold your hand and kiss your face and body as they slowly move in and out, cute soft talk along the way, praise and shit and they're the sweetest beans ever
-"Would you like me to continue my princess? Or is that enough? I'm here to do what you want, just say it"
"Use your words love" bc its their power move
Your pleasure >> theirs
It usually cute love making more than full out sex
BUT ON A ROUGH NIGHT
If the mood is set rough or angry oH BOY ARE YOU IN FOR A NIGHT
Rough. Just rough.
Its no longer sweet and love making
-Full out pounding
Again. Handjobs.
They will make you fulfill every one of THEIR pleasures before they move onto yours
There's the occasional bondage (who's tying up who? Well that's a good question)
But its never too much
Oh the praise kinks drive them crazy
"Oh? You won't beg? A pity, and here I was ready to give you some fun"
Consent is everything to them
AFTERCAREEEEEEEEEE
They will cling onto you after sex
Cuddles >>>
Fall asleep almost right after
Soft morning love making is their favourite
They take you out for breakfast on the weekends
Fridays you go out for a fancy dinner
Sundays are lazy movie days
Bruce knows Dick is a soft angel but this is on another level
Villains. Dick is so protective. Like so much
Constantly calling you to make sure you're okay
"Call me as soon as you get home"
"If there's even ANYTHING suspicious you call me do you understand?"
"If there's any problems and you see Batman. Run the other way. I don't care what it is, I don't want you to get hurt"
If you do get taken-
No sleep
Always up planning
Alfred tried coaxing him to sleep but he wouldn't listen
"If I sleep I waste time, and I don't know if she HAS time"
He cries every five minutes
Damian joked around about the Joker having taken you
Dick literally went into a panic AND anxiety attack + a mental breakdown all in one
Damian got grounded
You getting captured by Wicked
Same effect
Crazy
Loses his mind
Constant breakdowns
Matt. Ohmygod the devil of Hell's Kitchen, losing the love of his life???
Prepare New York you've got a new villain on your hands
He'd lose his mind
Forget work he's 24/7 looking for you
No mercy on anyone, at all, will and has destroyed everything in his path to find you
Nearly broke up with you a bit after that, realizing how much danger he puts you in
Basically. If he loses you, he will have his villain arc and kill every single person on this planet until he finds you and you are safe and sound in his arms
They love buying you sweet little gifts
Getting suffocated by your thighs while you sit on their faces >>>>>
Such softies
Again super protective
Always taking care of you
SUCH SWEETBEANS
No toys. Unless you're okay with it but they prefer not to
Bottom behaviour on tired days
Again, can go from these hardcore tops, fucking you into oblivion to wanting you to fuck them into oblivion
I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH
PRAISE KINK
Vocal.
They love hearing you make all the pretty little noises just for them
Its like heaven to their ears
But they're also very vocal
Cuddling while they work that usually ends in needy soft sex
~~~~~~~~
- Clem (and a bit of Atlas)
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As always, I process my feelings with words. Here’s to the spicy tiny meatball that was Zora.
Dear Zora,
You left the world the way you lived in it…on your terms alone. A piece of me knew when we got your terminal diagnosis last week that you didn’t have “months” left in you. If you couldn’t run and play and jump, it wouldn’t count as “living” to you. Other than epic naps, you were in constant motion for 18 years (we estimate?) Just up until about 3 weeks ago, your old lady zoomies and chasing your tail or attacking a laser pointer rivaled the intensity and cuteness of cats 1/9th your age. Until the past couple of weeks, we got so lucky for so long that the worst health issues you faced were a recurring case of sneezes and anxiety overgrooming yourself.
I don’t know what happened to you before we met in 2006, but it was clear you had survived and seen some shit. You taught me more than I can ever say about practicing patience with someone who is traumatized, which means that you taught me a lot about loving myself, too. You couldn’t be picked up or held or contained BUT if we waited for you to lead, you were the sweetest pet, with the loudest purr, obsessed with cuddling your humans, glued to our sides every chance you got.
You loved so HARD…with every ounce of your 5 pound little frame. You followed me like a shadow through my day. You loved our pandemic life routine. You cried when we left the house and yelled with joy when we returned. You wedged yourself between us in bed to claim the best, warmest spot and you found it well worth the risk of someone much bigger than you accidentally rolling onto you in the night. When Ronald and I were in different rooms or on different floors, you rotated spaces to try to get as much time w/ us both as possible. When Ronald went on film trips, you cried and pawed at the door for him to come back. He told me you also lost your mind when I was away.
I’ll miss everything about you…like your spicy attitude. You were a “pet at your own risk” animal in our house and many of our guests could tell you why I issued warnings about you. Your surprise periodic CHOMP wasn’t hard but it was a message.
I’ll miss how you couldn’t be trusted in a room with plants because everything you shouldn’t eat is all you actually ever wanted. (Of course, you rejected the cat grass or cat nip I grew you, full stop.)
I’ll miss how finicky and particular you were…if I got too convinced you loved a new food and bought a ton, the next week you were done and you turned your dang nose up at it. And yet, you kinda liked wearing your cone when your overlicking stuff happened.
I’ll miss how much you seemed to feel…it was impossible to get you in a carrier for years and you had panic attacks in the car (likely from whatever happened in your life before me.) But you also showed great joy and gusto attacking a laser toy or toward the stuffed husky you stole from me to claim as your baby you carried around the house.
I’ll miss your mind of your own…because I got you as a “friend for Sienna” you turned out to be kind of a jerk to her. While the two of you eventually settled into a sense of peace, you were never going to “be” for anyone but the 2 humans you loved most.
I’ll miss how much you cared about our feelings…you could have had a great career as someone’s emotional support pet because BIG FEELINGS couldn’t emerge from Ronald or I without you showing up with purrs and concerned meows. (I’m trying not to just cry 24/7 because I know you’d hate seeing me this way.)
I’ll miss how excited you were when we got home from a trip and how much you yelled at us to let us know you thought it was messed up we went anywhere without you.
I don’t know quite how to BE without you, but we’re both survivors so I promise I’ll figure it out. It’s just that so much of how I live and move around the house was informed by the idea you’d be tagging along through my day. It really feels like I’ve lost a limb. But I’ll do what you showed me and survive and LIVE.
I’ll end this little note just like I did for your sister 2 years ago…my grief is immeasurable, but so is my gratitude. Sweet dreams, my sweet girl. We love you so much.
(Shout out to @pom-seedss for making beautiful art of both of my cat daughters, the one of Zora shown here.)
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Why I wanted to leave for 2+ years
1. I had no freedom
2. I had no alone time
3. The constant arguing
4. His family
5. How he acts when he’s mad
6. Bad history
7. Texting a girl w/o telling me
8. I’m the reason for pretty much every argument
9. NOT attracted anymore
10. Insecure
11. Depressed
12. Not many good memories
13. Calling me over and over while I’m at work when we fight
14. Him hitting me when I tell him I hate him
15. Not many shared laughs
16. Him breaking things when he’s mad
17. I never wanted to go out with him anywhere
18. Never wanted to have sex, it was never organic. Maybe in the beginning… but it quickly died
19. Me getting tinnitus after he tackled me & I hit my head on the ground
20. Him breaking my property
21. Me getting scratched from him sticking his fingers in my mouth
22. Him justifying everything he does
23. Him invading privacy
24. Him going into my phone and deleting MY contacts because he didn't like a PRIVATE conversation that I had.
25. I disassociated MOST of the relationship, I'm BARELY even on tiktok or Youtube anymore now
26. I would hesitate to say so many things because I was scared of an argument.
27. He watched me have panic attacks when I’m smoking so many times, but he still smoked around me & wasn’t supportive of me not smoking anymore
28. He’s the reason for my dark spots. He let a cat come in a small ass room and we already had a cat and a dog. The fleas got me so bad & he never had a exterminator come thru. When I started to get depressed about it, he said “it can’t be the fleas, it has to be something else at this point.” EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE HUNDREDS OF FLEAS THAT WOULD ALWAYS GET ON ME/THE TRAP
29. Apparently I’m the reason for the collection on the apartment, even thought he was in charge of the rent bills.
I got so many signs to leave, and I ignored them. My skin getting completely fucked up, his crazy parents, the hitting, the loss of attraction, the depression and anxiety
-1:36 am
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One of the worst aspects of OCD, that I didn't realize until recently was an issue, is the shame.
Now, obviously being unable to sleep alone at age 13, not letting guests in your room and freaking out when people touch your stuff, having hours-long rituals and rumination and intense, graphic, taboo imagery being projected in your head 24/7 is going to make you feel a bit different than your peers.
But the feelings that I internalized from throughout my life have brought me such a strong, crippling amount of insecurity, humiliation and immense shame that it's hardly comparable with any other feeling or symptom that can arise in my chaotic mind.
I have this constant, all-encompassing sense that I'm undeserving, embarrassing, and so insanely different than everyone else. It feels like I'm an entirely different species, like everyone possesses knowledge that I'm incapable of understanding and everyone is living a happier, more content life than me.
I distinctly remember being around 7 years old and feeling uncomfortable even using first person pronouns or saying my name. It's this automatic reaction telling me that I'm just too much.
So I'm ashamed of myself. I panic when I'm passionate about something, anxiety-ridden when I feel I've hurt someone to the point of a total breakdown. It feels like I hurt everyone around me and I don't deserve my achievements. I feel like nothing but a spoiled, self-indulgent child.
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long post talking about being depressed read at your own detriment
god ok i dick around and joke as much as the next person but holy FUCK i cant stand being mentally ill. i know you see all the time how it weighs you down without even knowing but i brush it off all the time and now im sitting here and its hitting me that this is point blank ruining my life. i think im being watched everywhere i go no matter what i do to the point where being out in an open space or talking to the wrong person gives me a panic/anxiety attack, i have a 24/7 non stop constant stream of self deprecation that talks me out of doing anything, and the things i do do i dont try on even if i need to because whats the point right. im so passively suicidal that i cant go 10 minutes without thinking that im worthless and that i should die, every day i wake up and im miserable from the moment i get out of bed to the moment i get in. i hate myself so viscerally that i cant even fathom a positive thing about myself. im so stupid and full of shit-for-brains i cant ever focus on something and i forgetthe most menial and basic things. i have to copy off of everyone because im so incapable of doing things alone and i cant even do things alone if i wanted to because i have aforementioned debillitating anxiety and the anxiety and everything else makes me WEIRD so i have no friends! and im weird because im suicidal and offputting! god its all a big fucking feedback loop how am i ever supposed to get out of this. it gets worse every day. it all stacks up. the only exit i can fathom, the only exit i HAVE been able to fathom for years is just stopping dead and offing myself and see there i go again. it would be so easy. i have no friends and my parents are terrible people and my cat is dead so whats the fucking point. nothing will get better. nothing HAS gotten better. i cant go to therapy or else i'll be institutionalized and i'll never see the sun again. i cant stomach human people and i dont know if what is in front of me is real half the time. im lonely my parents are awful i have no where else to go. i have no one to bitch at except this stupid little tumblr blog i have no support. if i hadnt sworn off cutting i would be doing so every single night. i am tired. i am so unbelievably fucking tired. why cant i be normal. why am i the only one in my vicinity who doesnt have their shit together. i wish i was normal. if i could take out even just one thing i might be able to get it together. i dont even really pretend im fine anymore. i can say that i am suicidal and no one bats an eye. i have to get a car and a real liscence for my career job and then the chance of me killing myself goes way tf up because then i can just drive my car into a building whenever i want. and god a fuckin. career job!! im a hack!!! i am 10 days away from finishing uni and everyone else is better then me. i dont know shit. i dont know the most basic prinicples no matter how much i study. im too soft. i hsve no skill. im never gonna make it. and maybe it wouldnt be so bad if i was good at or passionate about anything else but nah im so fucking spent im not GOOD AT or INTERESTED in ANYTHING because i JUST WANT TO BE DEAD. every single day of my life i wish i had tried harder to kill myself when i was 14. i should stop typing this out.
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autism and emotions is so.... well it fucking sucks is what it is. i need my mind to slow down for a second to get all these thoughts down bc i will explode if i dont get them out there (hence why this post - only bee is gonna see this & knows me enough to be worried for more than an hour or so and if i put this where nobody can see it aint actually out there) (wassup bee dw i am okay)
anyway
i say that life is just getting to me rn and it is but thats too vague a statement. current affairs (an impartial term but a useful one here) are getting to me - I'm trying to navigate adulthood while it feels like the life i was promised is being taken away by whatever event you want to pick; global warming, late-stage capitalism, multiple genocides, the list goes on. and I'm one of the lucky ones!! how fucked up is that! so there's that constant stress hanging above my head.
then there's more abstract life: navigating uni and living alone and looking after myself while forming relationships and starting to try carve a path for myself. this one isn't as bad but still can't be ignored and the fact that interpersonal relationships have become so scrutinised through social media doesn't help. no matter the insecurity you have or your own specific factors there will be someone online telling you your worst fears are right - i cant say how many times ive scrolled past a reel saying that i havent had a message back because "he" doesn't care. does the person saying this even know I've seen it, let alone who i am or who "he" is? No!! but the sentiment sticks with you despite only seeing it for 3 seconds before scrolling on, despite logically knowing it can't apply to me because its a catch-all statement to everyone who feels insecure pushed onto us by an algorithm that thinks we want to hear that. social media is feeding into our fears and insecurities and we can't stop it. as an autistic person whos insecure as fuck and who knows they dont understand a lot of societal cues being told by some random person that im right to be insecure really doesn't help - i get the idea of something stuck in my head and bc i know its bs i try get it out which cements it further into my mind and lends it credence.
then there's uni itself - i am now faced with the realisation that everything leading me up to uni and my course has been about me helping other people, often to my own detriment. i chose a counselling course because i was always the therapist friend, the one who everyone else went to for help. and wouldn't you know it I've been burnt out for years and literally don't have it in me to help strangers, or give a shit about their lives. i cared so much and made my entire life about helping other people that i had no idea what i wanted to do. im switching to just psychology now, because it is interesting and i do enjoy it but im kind of lost now i dont have that purpose. it also scares me just how much of my life hadn't been about me at all and im still not sure who i am if im not helping someone. obviously thats the dramatic version but you get the gist. uni's been a wakeup call i wasn't prepared for and theres the work and exams on top of that
christ this is long. okay. what else was there. emotions. god i hate emotions. this is the hard bit. all my emotions are so so big and i am so so small and it feels like they would devour me whole if they could. anxiety is a big one. recently pretty much all ive been feeling is anxiety - a deep anxiety that makes me nauseous pretty much 24/7. last week on friday i had what i call a breakdown. i still dont understand it (which is scary enough - every other breakdown i can disect and point to the cause). i just sarted screaming in the middle of the street and couldn't stop and its making me anxious just typing this up. then there was a day of panic attack after panic attack (lost count after the 4th i think) and then a few days later and some bad decisions (booze. ik i shouldn't have drank but i thought i was ok to drink) i had another breakdown. i dont remember much of this one but it ended in me being locked out and sobbing - security had to let me in and it must've been bad bc the guy gave me a card with hotlines on it. (again, i am okay). i lost my leather jacket that night which both sucks bc i loved that jacket and also the fact that it's gone is a constant reminder of something im ashamed of. after that it was just this constant nauseating anxiety, occasionally spiralling into something more but not significant enough to include. the thing about me and emotions is that my strategy for dealing with them is to ignore and repress them until they're not my problem anymore. which is bad. but idk how to cope with them healthily and when i feel okay i never know if its because i repressed them again or because i genuinely feel okay. being around other people helps but thats probably not a great thing - i hide my emotions from other people to avoid being a burden. not that its always a bad thing that my friends make me feel better its just not a sustainable approach to constantly avoid being alone. i have this constant struggle of feeling emotions so intensely then feeling shame because of how intensely i felt those emotions or how they made me act.
going on from emotions fucking me over and moving on from Life being an issue anxiety is a fucking bitch. all my life I've felt like an outsider and so constantly nervous about everything. it was hell and then in 6th form i made friends who were so so confident and i finally started to relax a little bit more and not feel bad about taking up space. uni was even better! i had flatmates i loved and i was going out doing things I'd never dreamed of and i was making friends!! i barely recognised myself and i loved it!! then the breakdown happened and i was plunged headfirst back into the old cycle of anxiety and going back to that after feeling what life could be like? that was worse than the breakdown. it feels like ive never felt worse and the knowledge that theres no reason for it, that nothing had actually changed other than me and i could still be out there with confidence but i wasn't was such a crushing feeling it felt like i was never gonna feel okay again. dramatic i know but the truth.
im home for easter break now and typing this out has helped and going back to my old stomping grounds has shown me i have still changed and i do still have the confidence even if i couldn't access it for a hot min. I'm still anxious but thats okay. my emotions don't have an all poweful spell over me and anxiety can suck my dick. there's still the fear that I'll go back to uni and it'll all come rushing back however im just gonna see how this break goes. im gonna be alone whether i like it or not while im down here and if i can manage to be okay with that then I'll be fine. and i do have a support system both here and up at university.
#life updates with fish#vent post#ig#honestly i might not be okay but that's alright. i dont have to be okay and i don't have to be ashamed#im doing better than i was though#but every time i type that the anxiety returns so probably not actually its just more managable#long post#fuck me this was longer than i thought it was gonna be#oops oh well
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― [ C ] ASSANDRA'S DIFFICULT PREGNANCY .
TW: Infant complications, pregnancy near-loss, struggles with birth.
Cassandra’s overprotectiveness isn’t stemmed just because of the dynasty or the fact that she is a council member or money. It is something deeper, crafted from fear and the struggles of her pregnancy with Caitlyn.
Everything had been fine for the first trimester, and both parents were so happy to know they were going to have a daughter. However, when Cassandra started hitting her second trimester the struggles started. She started to have headaches and difficulty breathing and not the normal kind of carrying a young life inside. The first time she passed out, the doctors were called to find out what was going on. After all the tests, it came back with the diagnosis of Preeclampsia. For most of the pregnancy, Cassandra was on bed rest and was only allowed to get up when necessary. At this point, Cassandra and Tobias were going to do anything needed to ensure their daughter was safe.
Even so, despite all efforts to carry full term, it didn’t happen. Cassandra’s preeclampsia got work, which was causing Caitlyn’s lungs to struggle with breathing and Cassandra went into labor too soon. Caitlyn was born at 33 weeks old, and she was only three pounds and eleven ounces.
Tobias and Cassandra put all their money into setting up a small NICU for Caitlyn and had 24/7 monitoring for their baby. There was no amount of money that Cassandra didn’t put out to ensure the survival of her child and search for any kind of medical treatment to encourage survivability. Tobias also put into work. while he was more of a family doctor and surgeon, it did not stop him from learning about prenatal care and pediatrician work while working hours to make sure his daughter survived.
Ultimately, Caitlyn survived despite the accounts of doctors to Cassandra and Tobias to hope for the best but expect the worse, given a 40% chance of living past the terms of her struggles, including the development of her lungs and problems with Anemia that required blood transfusions. After she passed the critical point after 4 months of constant round-the-clock care, Caitlyn began to thrive. She still needed help the next year with oxygen levels, but she outgrew the problem and developed normally as any little girl would. Caitlyn had problems with a weak immune system but as she hit puberty, it started to get stronger. This was also due to treatments that help strengthen her immune system.
However, the constant stress and panic about if her daughter would survive and the pains it placed upon the pregnancy put Cassandra into a state of overprotectiveness. If Caitlyn looked like she was struggling to breathe, she would not let her outside. If Caitlyn wanted to run and play with the other kids, Cassandra would refuse it. Despite having completely strong lungs now, Cassandra could not forget seeing her baby who was gasping for air because her lungs were underdeveloped. And if Caitlyn got sick, Cassandra found the anxiety welling up in her chest that this could cause her to lose her daughter even though her immune system fully developed with no complications. It’s something Cassandra feels is part of her job as a mother, to make sure she is safe no matter how frustrating it might be for Caitlyn.
Not because she is the heiress to the council seat and not because she is a daughter of a noble household.
It’s because this is her one and only daughter that she nearly lost as an infant.
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