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kunimikat · 3 years

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How they act after you break up with them.

(I made sure to check but there might be small grammar errors, and this is a long one so strap in 🙇, but hope you enjoy angst+fluff here) but not me actually feeling bad for them after-

Is more out of it then usual.

The reason you broke up with him is because you felt like it wasn’t a real relationship. And more like you sometimes got to talk during class, and sometimes out of school.

He writes in his a separate notebook of ways he could’ve done better

Starts comparing himself to other guys more often

Leaves earlier then everyone else to got to dorms.

Mumbles even more then usual, and sometimes the only person that can snap him out of it is Aizawa.

Sometimes takes it out on his friends

“Hey Deku!-“

“Not right now Uraraka.”

“Oi, Deku nerd, the-“

“Can you not right now Kacchan?”

“HAAH?-“

“Midoryia! Would you like to study?”

“Maybe later Iida...”

Todoroki offered him soba but it resulted in Midoriya slowly slurping up soba as he looked into the void of people

He shut everyone one out and didn’t talk barely most of the week.

He’d take out a lot of his anger during training.

It somehow finally clicks into place how bad you feel and how much you miss him when All Might pull you aside and asks. “Uhhh...Is Young Midoriya ok? I’m getting real worried....ITS NOT LIKE I DONT WORRY ABOUT MY OTHER STUDENTS HAHAHA! HOW’S-

There’s 15 minutes of your life awkwardly telling All Might how all your classmates are doing.

Which made you want to jump off the top of UA at the moment.

You decide to head to his dorm and ask him about it, cause you feel like it’s your fault.

You walk in on him crying, clutching the shirt you bought for him on his birthday.

You almost dropped to your knees in guilt at the sight

You rushed over and sat by him, comforting him, though it wasn’t much as you started crying too.

Basically a crying festival for an hour.

“Please....Please Y/N I love you so much, I promise I’ll make it work, and I’ll do my best to make it up to you, just please...PLEASE don’t leave me.” You kiss him on the lips and then his hand, “Babe it’s not all on you, I promise I’ll do better this time too, I’m so sorry for being selfish, I love you, ok?” Another crying fest.

After you start dating again:

Always makes sure you’re comfortable, and checks into your dorm before he starts a study session.

Helps you with your work before his. ( Though you insist he doesn’t as he’s gotten points off multiple times for turning in his work late.)

Goes on dates every time you have some free space in your schedules. Somehow ends up in an All Might merch shop 80% of the time.

!!CUDDLE SESSIONS AFTER HERO TRAINING AT ALL TIMES!! Even in Recovery Girl’s office, though many times she bops you both on the head and tells you to get out.

(If you both like All Might) You both geek out over new All Might stuff, and his old interviews while wearing an All Might onesies.

(If you like a different hero) You could spend hours bickering on who’s best hero, pulling up recordings and articles on the. With you holding your favorite hero plushie and him wearing All Might pajamas.

And waking up early just to take a long route to school together.

Makes sure to say ‘I love you’ at every small moment, and compliments you, though he can’t take compliments himself-

If it’s a permanent breakup:

“I...I understand, but why?”

Tears well up in his eyes and he for once he keeps eye contact with you, without looking away

It takes everything in you to not breakdown

“I’m sorry Izuku, I just don’t think it’ll work out in the end.” He grabs your hand and holds it both of his. He puts it to his forehead, nearly on his knees at this point. You try not to cry with him, but you knew it wasn’t going to end up a happily ever after in the end. And you wanted to break it off before that could happen.

“Izuku, I know, I know, I’m so sorry, I wish it couldn’t end like this-“

“Then don’t let it. Please Y/N don’t let this end.”

You eyes welled up as you put a hand over your mouth while repeating ‘I’m sorry, so sorry Izuku’. You looked away from him as you slipped your hand out of his, you close your eyes painfully, the tears finally running down your face. You couldn’t help but look back one more time, and almost wanted to run to where he was and take it all back. He sat on his knees, his head in his hands as painful sobs wracked his body. You quickly leave the room, shutting the door behind you.

You both were pretty quiet and emotionless the whole week.

Midoriya was even worse then before,

It got to the point where sometimes he didn’t eat or sleep

He barely responded to anything anyone said

Hell, even Bakugo was worried at some point

Midoriya would always go back to his dorm and cuddle with the gifts you gave him while you were dating.

It took a long time for him to get over it, and even when he thought it did, he still gets emotional over it

Even after highschool it pains him to see your off doing your own thing without you at his side the whole time

Quieter then usual

Is so deep in thought, sometimes forgets he’s in class or what he’s doing

During tests, or while working on assignments he’d be so deep in thought he didn’t realize he broke his pencil, or used his quirk on his desk

Instead of having his usual outburst on people he’d just walk off, or click his tounge and walk off

Even during Hero Lessons he’d be less calculated, and not as pumped up

When anyone tried to ask he’d just say “Fuck off, I’m fine.”

His grades slightly dropped

He had bags under his eyes, and had even worse posture then usual

When it came time to leave, he’d be the first one out, and no one could find out where he’d go

A permanent frown was on his face at all times (basically him most of time but with a deeper frown)

No one knew what to do at this point

It didn’t click with you until one day during Hero Lessons

He was sparring with Kirishima and all of a sudden he fainted

Everyone was surprised to say the most

You rushed with Kirishima to Recover Girls office

You both almost busted the door off it’s hinges

She wacked you both on the head but quickly tended to Bakugo, surprising you both as she checked on him

“Oh....I wouldn’t have expected this from Bakugo.” You and Kirishima had confused looks on your faces. “Well he passed out from exhaustion, which I usually see with that foolish Midoriya boy. This one usually keeps up with himself, something must’ve happened.” She cut herself off as she saw the look on your face that said it all. She beckons Kirishima to follow her out, as he still wasn’t getting what was happening.

You finally got a good look at him, and saw just how exhausted he looked. The bags under his eyes, his bruised body, and how pained he looked in his sleep. You hugged the non-bruised part of his arm, and finally let the tears you held let go. “I’m sorry Katsuki...I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner.” Before you realized he woke up, he placed his free hand on your head, rubbing small and soothing circles on your head. “S’okay, let’s make this work.” You knew you didn’t have to say anything else as you both stayed like that until Recovery Girl came in to kick you both out.

After you start dating again:

Comes to your dorm everyday to get you up knowing you’d oversleep if he didn’t (also wants to see your sleeping face...not in a weird way)

Cooks you breakfast in bed on off days,

You guys cook something together when you have a movie night

Instead of yelling most times, he just makes sure he understands your side of everything before jumping to conclusions

Makes sure he isn’t too rough with you verbally (lol not sure physically)

Brings you to his parents house during some free time since you get along with his mom and dad well

Won’t admit it but adores the fact that his parents love you

Whispers ‘I love you’ when he’s made sure your ‘sleeping’ (you’re not, you just wanna hear him say it all shy like)

You guys go on training dates, where you both train together, then have a picnic where you just trained

Him being more open with PDA, like holding your hand, or laying his head on your shoulder, etc. just small stuff

He loves playing with your hair and twisting it around his fingers while cuddling or studying

You both cheer on your favorite hero during a fight on TV, or you pick a random channel on TV and you just listen to him rant how stupid something is while you lean onto his shoulder at 2am (somehow got him to stay up this late)

If it’s a permanent breakup:

“No...no...you can’t, you can’t be serious”

He sounded so broken. His fists clutched so hard you thought his bones would pop out

Anger was evident in his face, and he honestly scared you with the face he was making

“Y/N....are you joking?” You frown and step back a little, did he really think everything you said was a joke? “No Bakugo, I just think this isnt gonna work out in the end.” You heard him click his tongue, then just look at you in shock, then anger. He looked down, his bangs covering his expression. “So you’re just gonna end it like that? No working anything out, just break up? It was one fucking mistake Y/N.”

“Yeah one big mistake, you don’t suck faces with some other person on accident, Bakugo.” The venom in your voice slicing through the tension filled air. “Can you just fucking forgive me? I won’t do it again.”

“You said that last time, Katsuki, then you go and clown off again-“

Before you could get anything else out Bakugo already had his quirk going in one hand, and the other holding your shoulder down. You both looked surprised, even as he backed away. “No..nononono fuck Y/N baby I’m sorry-” you smacked the hand that reached out for you. You started packing everything, Bakugo’s eyes widened as he just stood in shock. Before he knew it you were leaving already.

“N...NO NO Y/N PLEASE, I’M SORRY-“ he grabbed you by the arm that reached for the door knob. You quickly shrugged him out of his grasp, and opened the door. “Goodbye Bakugo, I hope well for the next person with you.” And you slammed it in his face. He stood there, it’s like the emotions he felt before were completely wiped when you slammed the door on him. It was 8:03pm, he should start getting ready for bed anyway.

For a few weeks he was unresponsive, and only talked when he needed to

His movements were sluggish and he’d often stare at nothing

Bakugo didn’t even glare, or really do anything when Midoriya tried talking him

Or shittyhair, dunce face, raccoon eyes, or soy sauce face

They were all the same, and just molded into one voice every time someone tried talking to him

After a while he got over it, but he still regrets what he did

You helped him through so much yet he went off and did stupid shit

Even after highschool, he’d still keep up on you frequently through social media

Basically stalking you on there, guessing he never truly got over it once he felt tears subconsciously stream down his face as he saw you with someone else, happier.

He felt like he didn’t do anything wrong, and he was confused at the throb in his heart every time you looked away from him or ignored him.

So he did ask you, and all you did was look at him like he just hit you.

Why did you look so hurt?

Todoroki shrugged it off, thinking you’d come back like you did after every fight you guys had

But you didn’t, and that’s what took an actual toll on him

More emotional

A permanent frown on his pretty features most of the time

All he mostly eats is soba

He didn’t know how to handle this in all honesty

Sometimes he’d just stare at you, and even when you looked back he’d just stare...

Sometimes he’s so out of it he doesn’t realize he’s either froze the entire classroom or was a living breathing radiator, or both (rip Momo, Satou, and Tokoyami)

He’d ask Midoryia for help but it came out as a fumbled mess most of the time:

“Midoryia...how do you hurt....them, a lot...without...? Can you help?

Midoryia is just like:

(Sorry I had to add that in I was cackling sm from it)

“I think you should just talk to them Todoroki.”

That was harder to do then he expected, you mangaged to avoid him pretty well,

One day he was just fed up and as soon as the bell rang he took your hand and left the class

He takes you to an empty classroom, his left side nearly giving you frostbite

You were about to yell at him before you saw his broken expression

“What...what did I do for it to be like this?” You we’re now quiet as you saw the confused and hurt expression on his face. Him barely being able to control either of his quirks, he was shaking, yet still held a confused expression. It just clicked with you, Todoroki wasn’t used to the sudden emotions or feelings, and when one of the people he’d usually go to to talk about it wasn’t there, he started to crumble.

You hugged him tightly , not caring if his quirks messed up your uniform. “I’m sorry Y/N....I’m sorry I’m not enough, but-“ You cover his mouth as tears fell from your eyes and onto the ground or his uniform. “I- I-I’m so sorry Todo...it’s just you never gave me affection and I was being so selfish and petty about it, I just- I didn’t realize that you went through your own experience for it to turn out like this. It’s not your fault, and I love you the way you are Shoto.” Todoroki didn’t even notice the tears come down his face as you kissed him over and over again. A small ‘I’m sorry’ from you every time. His quirks calmed down and now you were holding each other in a random classroom. You’re heart nearly stopped as you looked up at him and saw a small, teary eyed smile.

After you start Dating again:

Todoroki was much more observant

He’d stay up late readings articles saying “How to understand emotions” or “Is there other good food then Cold Soba” wait-

Regularly gets you gifts, even though most of the time you make him return the stuff since he’s been getting so much with his dads card

Endeavor ended up yelling at you both in a 7/11 while you were stuffing your faces with a soba flavored chips

You both figured out a way to get Todoroki to express himself without words

He’d slightly activate his left side if he wanted any sort of attention, and his right side was if he was feeling stressed or upset

He subconsciously goes to your dorm now to check up on you to make sure you’ve had a glass of water, dinner or anything really (He just wanted a reason to go to your dorm)

You played with his hair once, and he’s never going back

When cuddling he’d lay his head in the crook of your neck, hoping to feel you playing with his hair

You push him to start taking therapy sessions to understand what emotions he’s feeling and how to express them

Takes you in your free time to an empty field just to hear you talk, and learn more about you

And he’d always wake up early and made sure to get a few snacks for you before you woke up and brought them to your dorm room (Last time he tried to cook he almost burned the kitchen down)

Overall Todoroki just loves giving you small head pats now, you don’t know where it came from but you didn’t complain

Poor bby stuttered so hard the first time he said ‘I love you’ you giggled

Ended up making him feel embarrassed and like he did something wrong, but you quickly kissed him/praised him

He can’t stop saying it now, one time you picked up his pencil, before you could hand it to him just a sudden “I love you Y/N” the entire class looked at you both in shock

“STOP SUCKING FACES OVER THERE!”

“SHUT UP BAKUGO”

“HAAAH?”

Todoroki is the happiest he’s been.

If it’s a permanent breakup:

“Over? What do you mean we’re over?”

You felt so horrible by the the pure confusion on his face

But the rude things he said to you, over powering your want to get back with him

Lately Todoroki has been more protective, and rude. Insulting everything you do, belittling you slightly. It just added up and you were tired of it

Todoroki tilted his head to the side, deep in thought.

“Y/N your being on the dumber side again, are you hanging out with them too much?” You were taken aback by how nonchalantly he insulted you and your friends. “Excuse me? Todoroki did I hear you right?” You stepped foward leaning your head toward him. “Of course you can, or did Bakugo’s yelling make you not hear so well?” The fact he said it with no emotion, or nothing to it was making you clench your fist. “The hell has gotten into you Todoroki?” You shove his shoulder a bit. He frowned at you heavily making you flinch. “Well if you didn’t go and ignore me most of this week maybe I wouldn’t be like this. I usually hold my tongue but you’ve been rude this entire week.”

You stood there speechless. “Well Ex-fucking-cuse me Shoto. Maybe if you didn’t insult me all the damn time I wouldn’t ignore you, or wait for an decent apology.”

You drag out the last words as you glared at him, Todoroki giving one back. “I’m only telling the truth so you don’t look dumb. I’m helping you out Y/N, I thought you’d understand.” You scoff in utter shock, you couldn’t help the sudden urge to slap some sense into him. Now he stood speechless, the force in that slap causing his hair to look messy, and a red mark on his cheek. Tears were in your eyes as you clenched your fist, biting your lip from cussing him out on the spot. “Your lucky I don’t beat your sorry ass, just...just the the fuck out Todoroki!” You pushed him toward the door. He looked at you with no emotion in his face as he saw you start to bawl your eyes out. “Just...just get the hell out Todoroki, it’s over, we’re over.” He felt a pang in his heart, but choose to ignore it and just left.

It only actually came to him during the night as he was about to walk to your dorm after a nightmare, when he realized the entire conversation

He tried knocking on your door but you didn’t answer, even though he could hear your music

He went back to his dorm, sat on his bed and just had a full mental breakdown

Realizing his main emotional support that helped him through mostly everything was gone

He felt he said stuff his father said to you already which made it even worse

He tried texting and calling you but you had him blocked on everything

He repeated the entire conversation in his head, just now coming to how disgusting he really did sound

Todoroki for that whole week was an emotional wreck

During hero training if he was thinking about you or what he did he doesn’t notice poor Satou trying to get out of his wall of Ice.

Is always with Midoryia at some given time,

He kind of clinged onto people in his circle that gave him attention of some sort

When he some time passed he eventually got over it

After Highschool you both kept in touch, but it pained him when he saw you engaged and happy with another person

But he was happy if you were happy.

Heyyy so this is probably the longest thing I’ve written since like my last Wattpad fanfics I used to do(yikes). But hope you enjoy, and don’t be afraid to request! I’m taking them now so go wild.

Sorry that they were all confusing it’s my first hcs+scenario thingy, but I have a few other things in the works so... 💃🕺

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juniorgman187 · 3 years

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Spoiled Rotten (Reid Fic)

Summary: After Spencer went radio silent on Reader while he was in prison, their pride and stubbornness threatens to tear them apart forever. Reader’s forced to mourn the death of who they were and experience the inner turmoil of navigating who they are.

A/N: Y’all are gonna kill me for the ending, but it’s one hell of a way to go. Pairing: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid Category: Angst Content Warning: Imprisonment, humiliation, abandonment, anger, frustration, angst, yelling, fighting Word Count: 5.3k Playlist: Traitor by Olivia Rodrigo

Time jumps are indicated by “. . .” or “_ _ _”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

A rather unfortunate predicament we’ve found ourselves in tonight. I can’t say I’ve ever been quite this uncomfortable in my life, yet I’m careful not to speak too soon. Because I know the second Spencer opens his mouth to break the silence we’re currently sitting in, I’ll stand corrected.

“You’re breathing really hard,” He tells me out of nowhere.

See, I stand corrected.

Now that I’ve become hyper aware of my own inhale and exhale, my respiration is just that much more restricted. I’m practically holding my breath at this moment - both from the anticipation of catching this unsub in the act and giving Spencer one less thing to scrutinize about me.

“I didn’t say you had to stop breathing,” He tacks on as if it would put me any more at ease. Not that if he had explicitly said such a thing, I would’ve.

Unlike other people, I wasn’t exactly jumping at the chance to throw myself at his feet so he’d like me. But to use that as grounds for his disdain would be foolish. Our rancor went deeper than the basic lack of synergy between us.

And in the spirit of getting to the bottom of that abyssal pit, I finally asked the question with words that always seemed to hang above but never would form.

“Why was I the only one denied visitation while you were in prison?”

It may surprise you to know that it wasn’t always like this between us; we were actually close once, although it is hard to imagine that version of us ever really existing. However, if I think about it hard enough, I can remember with perfect clarity who we used to be.

. . .

“Jeez, you really don’t like these things do you?” I nudged him playfully before feeling instantly guilty once I witnessed the result of my shove that must’ve been a little too much for all 120 (at most) pounds of him. I’d neglected to remember the strength I held over the lanky Doctor as well as neglected to notice where the trajectory of my push would land him - in the direct line of a circus clown walking the opposite direction as us. This, of course, brought him face to face with the character. Unfortunately, I managed to catch a glimpse of the lens of Spencer’s glasses grazing the white face paint of the caricature.

After a shudder of mortification and a very brave shriek, Spencer ran to my other side to be as far away from the clown as possible and apparently, as close to me as possible. From a distance, you’d think we were conjoined simply by the way he was glued to me - shoulder to shoulder, elbow to elbow, hip to hip, thigh to thigh.

While removing his glasses to clean them off with the hem of his blazer, he answered, “Carnivals? I mean, what’s not to like? What with the loud noises, the heart-attack-inducing food that’s more grease than actual food, or the sheer amount of bacteria harboring on each and every handle, hoop, ball, or button of these ridiculous game booths.”

“Wow, you really don’t like carnivals.” I should’ve figured.

“Nope. Never have and probably never will.”

As someone who looked forward to the fair every summer of her childhood, any aversion to carnivals broke my heart. I had a fondness for them borne in adolescence that I couldn’t quite justify now in my adulthood.

“But they’re fun!” was the best argument I could muster. The whine in my voice being provoked by the possibility that the higher the shrill of my pitch, the easier he’d be to sway. Turns out, Dr. Reid was not nearly as susceptible to my auditory persuasion as I might’ve thought he was. Just a stone cold, inconvincible slab of steel.

“I’m sorry. I know you brought me here because you love these things, but I just can’t get past the ...” He surveyed the fair, ostensibly against his will, in search of the perfect word to describe our surroundings. “Filth.”

I would’ve argued in the defense of the carnival, mentioning how it’s endearing that the only bathrooms for miles were porta potties, and that the screaming, crying, sticky children galore just added to the attraction, and that there was a hidden charm to the way the roller coasters creaked beyond their means with every ride.

But to an extent, I agreed. It was rather filthy, and I wasn’t much of a germaphobe myself so to someone like him, this would be hell on earth.

“Well, you get what you put into it. If you’re willing to overlook some minor imperfections, I really think you’d enjoy this place.”

Spencer by now had his hands in his pockets and his walking pace had slowed to a complete halt. There was a moment of skepticism, followed by a partially open smile to make way for the laughter that escaped from the disbelief that he felt for letting me break his resolve so easily.

“Alright then. What do you want to do first, Brat?”

The nickname I’d earned could be seen as meanspirited, but truly, it was affectionately diminutive. Like all good nicknames are. And like the proclaimed Brat I was, I’d taken him to all my favorite parts of the fair.

First came the bumper cars to ease him into the experience - as ironic as that sounds. He was reluctant to submerge his gangly body into a mini vehicle, much less one that’d been inhabited by God knows how many people before us, but he pushed his reservations aside when he realized he’d get to slam into my car (safely, of course).

Secondly, we went on the Carousel, but this was only in preparation for the real ride that I wanted to take him on next - the Swinging Chairs. He’d gotten a little nauseous, from both the repetitive circling and the galvanized chains he had to hold that were definitely held by several others.

He had no interest in going on the Gravitron - super lame, I know - so we opted for the Ferris Wheel instead. I didn’t mind making this compromise so much after recognizing all that he’d done for my benefit that night. And for his generosity and selflessness, I thought it only fitting to end the night going somewhere so tame he couldn’t possibly have any opposition to it.

The photo booth.

The booth in particular we’d gone to was smaller than an airplane bathroom, if you can imagine that. The bench seat was barely wide enough to fit Spencer, let alone seat the both of us. While he didn’t explicitly make the offer to let me sit on his lap, it was kind of a give in that I’d have some part of my body intertwined around him like stubborn ivy.

. . .

I still laugh thinking about the tangled mess of limbs we were below what the camera couldn’t capture. It was arguably the furthest extent of contortionist work I wanted to do in my lifetime, and henceforth exceedingly uncomfortable, and yet, I’d never felt more at home than when I was in his arms.

That night he would tear off the top three photos to keep for himself while I kept the bottom three photos.

To this day, I have never seen the pictures that he kept, and I’m left to wonder if he had them at all.

Because I still have mine. And they were virtually the only thing keeping me sane throughout his trial and subsequent imprisonment.

Six Months Ago ...

My eyes were locked on the loose thread of my cardigan that I was rolling between my fingers anxiously.

“Would you stop that?” Penelope swatted my hand away from my sweater. “You’re making me nervous just looking at you.” She grumbled.

“Sorry,” I apologized bleakly.

A few seconds later she groaned again, making me think I was still doing something bothersome, but it turned out to be just the opposite. “Ugh, I know that sounded mean, and I hate when I sound mean, but I can feel my forehead creasing from the stress, and watching you fidget is going to give me an ulcer.”

“I wish I could help it. I’m just really worried about him.”

“Well I am, too, but that’s not gonna do us any good right now. All we can do is hope for the best.”

Sometimes Penelope’s overly optimistic view on life was futile and unwelcome, and truthfully, this was one of those times.

“Penny?”

As she turned her head, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the lenses of her dark green glasses. I could see my own mournful expression as I asked, “What if he’s found guilty?”

She started to say something but stopped herself. “Right now, all we need to focus on is his bail. We can worry about a verdict later.” She put her hand on top of mine and shook it briefly to remind me that we were in this together.

Moments later recess was over and the team came trudging back into the courtroom.

The sound of the judge clearing her throat and our footsteps on the floor made this feel all too normal.

How could Spencer’s life be hanging in the balance in such a place as non-intimate as this?

It frustrated me how casual things felt today and how everyone was acting normally. Prentiss had yet to bat an eye, Rossi’s stoic expression never changed, and Penelope was telling me not to worry. Everyone was acting so aloof.

My eyes darted to Spencer, who was looking back at us woefully. I couldn’t bear to see him like that any longer, so I kept my head down and stared at my feet after I took my seat.

Even when I closed my eyes, I was haunted by the vision of him in a suit, just like one he’d wear to work. But instead, he was wearing it for this - this vastly different situation.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at him the same in one anymore. I’ll probably just remember this particular look on his face, in this god awful courtroom, during this horribly nauseating circumstance.

If one thing was for certain, it was that this would all come back to me if I ever laid eyes on him in a suit, and that thought fucking terrified me.

Because that one thought spiraled into the next: Everything was bound to change after this. Every little thing would change in every little way.

Spencer’s lawyer, the judge, and the prosecutor were going back and forth for a while, but I tuned it all out because I knew if I had tuned in, I wouldn’t have been able to hold back my arguments. Eventually, though, I heard something I could no longer ignore.

“If past behavior is the best indicator of future conduct, and I do believe it is, then your client presents a flight risk.”

I stood up immediately, getting a head rush from the speed. I knew what was to follow, so I needed to be on my feet the second I heard it. Maybe so I could run and escape before I had to.

“Bail is denied. The defendant will remain in federal custody pending trial.”

“Spencer!” I shouted, losing all the composure I’d been trying to maintain. I reached for him as if he was at any capacity to reach back and hold me. God, I needed him to hold me. Hold me like how he did at the carnival.

Hold me.

Luke held me back as I fought to be near him.

“Let me go!” I screamed, trying to break free of his tight grip. Spencer could only stand and stare, mirroring my own wistful glance. He mouthed something to me that I couldn’t quite make out, but if I knew him at all, he probably said something about not wanting me to worry about him.

“(Y/n), (y/n) it’s gonna be alright.” JJ reasoned, pulling me into a hug.

“How long before this case goes to trial?” I heard Prentiss whisper to Spencer’s lawyer.

“It’s a complicated case. I’d say three months maybe?”

Immediately, I worked myself out of JJ’s arms and pushed my way through the team, running up to the barrier between us.

“Spence!” I cried out in anguish.

To the sound of my voice, he glanced over his shoulder sadly. He wasn’t even shocked I’d been able to get so close to him - he seemed to expect it, and for that, he was sad. Because he knew if I was going to be as stubborn as to fight to get to him at this hearing, then I was going to be stubborn enough to reach him in prison, too. And should he find himself behind bars, he knew that I’d get to him one way or another.

That is if he’d let me.

“Be strong,” He weakly smiled. ‘For me’ his sad eyes begged in addition. He held my gaze for as long as he possibly could before disappearing into another room.

As I watched him walk away, I could feel my heart shattering and crumbling into the pit of my stomach. Perhaps that was a premonition, a true gut feeling, telling me something I at the time couldn’t have known and wouldn’t have accepted.

That was the last time I would see Spencer.

People always say when something unbelievable happens, it doesn’t feel real, but this? Nothing felt more real and more intense than this.

There was no other way for me to see this situation but as the first defeat in an endless line of them.

If Spencer was denied bail, what else could happen to him? Could he be found guilty too? Because prior to this, the denial of his bail seemed impossible. He posed no flight risk, but according to the judge, he did. So if what I once thought to be impossible happened, then it could and would happen again.

I knew Spencer was going to be found guilty.

What I didn’t know, though, was how I was going to live with myself from then on.

I didn’t go that day.

I knew myself too well. So did the others, which is why they didn’t object to my decision not to come to Spencer’s trial. They knew I was better off staying home. Especially, if there was the chance that I might react hysterically again.

I didn’t stay home, though. That part the team never found out about.

I went to visit Diana instead. A much wiser choice, in my opinion.

“You know, we’ve been talking so much about Spencer today, but we haven’t talked about you yet,” said Diana.

“Yeah, I guess that’s true.” I feigned a polite smile.

“You thought I wouldn’t notice?” She tilted her chin downward and gave me that sly grin of hers.

“No, no, of course not. I know better than to underestimate the Diana Reid.” I quipped, making her smile widen. “I just figured you’d wanna spend your time talking about someone much more interesting.”

“Oh please, Spencer and I talk about you all the time.”

I perked up from the checker piece I was fiddling with. “You do?”

“Mhm,” She nodded over and over again. “I always knew there was something between you two because you could always talk about each other to me, but for some reason, you could never actually talk to each other.”

For the first time in months, I genuinely laughed and I couldn’t help it. “He makes me nervous! I always feel like he might correct something I say, or tell me that there’s food in my teeth.”

“You know, now that you mention it, I do remember him saying something about seeing a really big piece of lettuce in your teeth one time.”

“Diana!” I squealed, pushing the checkerboard at her, pretending to take offense.

“I really don’t know what you’re so nervous about! I think it would be good if you just talked to him.”

“It’s, um, it’s not that simple. Not right now, at least.”

My energy quickly nose-dived and I tried to do my best to hide it from Diana, but it permeated through the rest of the visit. I couldn’t fully enjoy myself after it.

The team and I all agreed not to let Diana know, especially not with the uncertainty of the case. There was no point riling her up if there was nothing to be worried about. And I could only imagine how I reacted - Diana would be reacting 10 times more hysterically.

But as much as I hated to say it, I almost would’ve rather been in her position.

I would give anything to un-know Spencer’s circumstance.

Present Time ...

In this car, there was nowhere for him to run or hide, not like before.

Anytime I so much as entered his gravity by being in the same room, he’d flee the space in the next breath. Granted, he couldn’t really avoid me entirely. We did have to be on the same flight for an extended period of time, but he made that work by letting me choose my spot first, then choosing a spot directly on the opposite side of the jet.

What a gentleman, huh?

“Kudos to you, by the way. For managing to avoid me for this long. I imagine it’s been as not-easy as it has been incredibly-cowardly.” My words stung as they flowed from my lips as badly as I imagine they seared his already cracked skin. I couldn’t believe that now that I finally had the opportunity to talk to him, I was using it to be petty and passively aggressive. But then again, I could.

Because after what he put me through, he deserved to feel the full severity of my indignation.

My only wish was that he knew exactly how I had felt when I found out.

. . .

Icarus.

He died tragically while using artificial wings, invented by his father, to escape from the Labyrinth. When Icarus flew too close to the sun, it melted the wax that held the wings together, and he fell into the sea.

‘Don’t fly too close to the sun.’ That’s the moral of the story. That’s what Reid was trying to tell me. But I didn’t listen.

I flew too close.

I had approached the window with more zeal than this predicament warranted.

“I’m (y/n) (y/l/n). I’m here to see Spencer Reid, R-E-I-D,” I eagerly spelt his last name with ease as though it were my own last name.

She’d flipped back and forth between pages, running her index finger up and down the sheet for far too long that it made me worry. Turns out, I had every right to be worried.

“I don’t see you on the list, ma’am.”

I was so mindnumbingly dumb that I couldn’t even see how dumb I was being. “Oh no no no, I’m with the FBI. I called earlier and left a message, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember you,” She smiled politely, giving me the tiniest fragment of hope. “But you’re not on his list.” Only for it to be shattered in an instant.

I had yet to process or accept this information. “So what does that mean?”

“It means he doesn't wanna see you right now. And frankly, neither do I. Next!”

“Wait, could you just please check with him? My name is (y/n) -”

“Ma’am, you are holding up a whole line of people that wanna see their loved ones too, so I suggest you see yourself out before I call security to help see you out.”

I knew by her tone of the word ‘help’ that meant a prison guard would most likely forcibly remove me from the premises, and the last thing I needed was to feel even more humiliated.

I got plenty of that when I had to come back to the BAU.

“You’re not on the list?” Luke seemed genuinely shocked. More so than I was. Above all, I just felt really stupid.

“I’m sure it was just a mistake.” Stephen reasoned. He was so good at being level-headed. Which normally, I would’ve loved. But right now, it only fueled the fire burning in my chest.

“That’s what I thought at first, too. But later on, she asked him herself, and he said - and I quote, ‘I don’t want to see her. Not now. Not ever.’”

. . .

Those were the words that seared my skin, and he hadn’t even spoken them directly to me to do it.

The words that did just enough to heal me back to health were, of course, Penelope’s.

“Since you haven’t seen him yet, the rest of us will just wait until you have. It’s only fair that you have your first turn before the rest of us go back for a second time.”

Back then, it was easy to hold out hope, but the more and more time passed, the more he kept denying my visits. Therefore, the more my hope began to fade.

It had been weeks since anyone else had seen him before I finally surrendered. Although I had newly-brewing sourness towards Reid, it didn’t feel fair to deny him everyone else’s presence until mine was permitted.

Luke was the one who volunteered to visit first. And to my dismay, Spencer didn’t fight against it.

The proof was finally there. Now I could say with absolute certainty: Spencer just didn’t want to see me.

It was both ironic and utterly frustrating to think about how I’d never gone more than two weeks without seeing him. Even when the BAU got time off after big cases, we’d always spend that time together. The longest we’d spent apart was 12 days. And right when he came back to D.C, we were attached at the hip for the next week, trying to compensate for all that time we were apart.

Now, look at us. I haven’t said one word to him in half a year.

If tragedy and comedy could coexist, this would be it.

“How is he?” I asked Luke as soon as he got back.

“He’s holding on,” Luke affirmed with confidence. What he said next lacked any of that. “He told me to tell you not to worry about him.”

Something in me knew it was a lie. “Did he actually say that?”

His lack of an answer was one itself.

“Did he say anything at all about me?”

“I tried telling him how much you wanted to see him, but he just brushed it off. I’m sorry, (y/n).”

This became my routine for the months to follow. Every time someone would come back from the prison, I’d ask them if they talked about me, but the answer was always no. After a while, it had gotten to the point where I purposefully started leaving myself out of the loop. At least in that case, it was by my own volition that I was being excluded, not by a predicament being forced on me.

Not by Spencer.

“We’re not doing this right now,” Spencer declaration brought me back to the present, where I found him removing himself from both the conversation and the vehicle. When I heard the latch click to open, my hand reflexively flew to my auto-lock to prevent him from leaving. Naturally, he still managed to escape using his door’s button.

If I couldn’t stop him, then I could follow him.

“Then when will we do this? Huh, Spencer? When? Because anytime I try to talk to you, you run away.” The mere fact that I was speed-walking after him was proof. While he casually strolled down the sidewalk paying me no mind, I tried to be clever and walk down the street so we’d be somewhat side to side. I was tired of staring at his back every time he walked away. I needed to see his face.

For his every stride, I had to take at least three steps. He was gliding through the world so effortlessly as I was trekking my uphill battle. It was quite fitting, though. Further exemplification that, between us, I was fighting harder to preserve the people we used to be, the relationship we used to have. Meanwhile, he couldn’t care less. A stone cold, inconvincible slab of steel. Just like he always was.

As I began to speak, I had to also be conscious of the parked cars along the curb, being careful to weave in and out.

“For months, you have blatantly ignored me. The entire time you were in prison, you denied my visits. And it’s not like it was a one time thing. I tried to visit you over 100 times while you were in jail! 100 times I got rejected. 100 times I got turned away. 100 times my heart shattered.”

By now, I was speaking so loudly that I could see household lights within neighboring homes turning on. I hadn’t even realized how far we’d walked down the street and away from our car, but it was the last thing on my mind.

“Then after you were released, it’s like I never even existed. I had to find out that you were out of there a week later than everyone else because they all assumed you came to me yourself to tell me the good news,” I laughed wryly at my own stupidity. “Do you know how hard it was for me?”

“Do you know how hard it was for me?”

It took me a second to register that he was actually engaging with me in this conversation now. But when I looked at his expression, I could see that something within him had snapped. A little piece of me was glad, though. Now I knew for sure that there was some effect I had on him.

“Hard for you?”

“I know you came to visit me 100 times! Want to know how I know? Because I was there, too! I was there every time a guard came to ask if I wanted to see you. I was there every time I turned you away. And while you got to walk out of those doors every time I did, I was stuck in there, rotting in that cell, thinking about how badly I wanted to see you. How badly I wanted to touch ...” His voice faltered. “To touch you. But I had to protect you!”

“You do realize in protecting me, you were hurting me in the process.”

“Because you just don’t know when to leave well enough alone!” His hands tugged at the root of his unruly hair like evidence of the frustration that my stubbornness caused. “You’re such a pain in the ass because you can never cooperate! It’s gotta be your way or no one else’s! ‘Spencer, it has to be this way because I said so. Spencer, you have to let me see you because I said so. Spencer, you have to talk to me because I said so. Spencer, you have to ride this stupid roller coaster because I said so,’” His imitation of my nagging voice would’ve made me laugh before. Now, it was bringing me onto the verge of tears. “Since clearly no one’s told you this before - not everything is about you! You just want it to be because you’re a whiny, little brat! You’re so spoiled rotten that you can’t even see how far down it goes. If you did, you’d know that you’re rotten to the core and that nothing will ever satisfy you. Especially me.”

His words had done more than sear me. They pierced me. They ripped me. They destroyed me. When he called me Brat, I thought it was endearing. Now, looking back, I realize - no, that’s just how little he thought of me.

As I came to the conclusion, I stopped dead in my tracks on the pavement.

I was done chasing Spencer.

His face had fallen from its anger, indicating he was apologetic, but I was beyond accepting his sorry excuses anymore. I couldn’t stand to look at him so I looked behind me to find our car at least a football field away. I guess in many ways, I’d gone the whole nine yards.

“This is what you wanted right?” I turned back to him momentarily. My voice scared me how calm it was because, inside, I was boiling with rage. “Well, here you go, Spence. Have all the fucking space you want.”

It was usually me watching his back while he walked away, and now, he was watching mine.

“(Y/n), wait!”

And for the briefest second, it actually felt good to be the first one to leave.

I was free.

_ _ _

To my dismay and relief, when I walked into work the next morning, he wasn’t there. I would’ve looked for him with more than a cursory glance except I was stuck on looking at something strange in the bullpen that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. But as I walked further in, a blaring siren went off in my head.

Spencer’s desk is completely empty.

I instantly sorted through my purse for my phone to reach Prentiss when I noticed something more.

I had been desperate to cling onto any notion that he still loved me, and there it was, just sitting on his desk. Proof that the man I loved was still in there somewhere.

The top three pictures from the carnival photo booth.

I laughed, as I always did, thinking about how much we had to exert ourselves to be positioned in a semi-adequate way. In the next wave, I felt profoundly empty. He had kept the pictures all these years, and now that I finally get to see them, he’s left me.

As I brought my hand to my face to clear the tears pooling at my lower lashes, I saw that my finger had an ink smear on the pad of it. There was nowhere else I could’ve obtained it except for if there was writing on the back of the photos.

What I read when I turned it over was as follows.

I want to be this guy for you again, (y/n). I just don’t know how.

I just don’t know if I can.

No matter how much I’ve changed, one thing’s still the same.

I love you.

I should’ve focused on the message, but all that I could focus on was that if I managed to smear the ink, that meant it was fresh, written just now.

He was still here.

I pocketed the photos and abandoned my purse, only carrying with me the phone that I forgot to use to dial Prentiss. After a moment’s indecision, I figured that taking the stairs would be faster than the elevator, and I bounded down the steps without hesitation.

“Spencer!” I yelled into the parking structure when I reached the ground floor. The sound of me bursting through the door caught the attention of Anderson, who was getting out of his car.

“I just saw him leave.” Anderson threw his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the exit. I knew, even in my state of mind, there was no feasible reality where I could reach him on foot. I had to call him.

I pleaded to myself for him to pick up with every ring of my phone.

“(Y/n),” He said like a statement instead of a question. Again, he’d anticipated I’d do this. He probably picked it up not even having to look at the caller ID but knowing it was me and no one else.

“I don’t need you to be the guy you were before, Spencer. I just need you to bend a little bit. I know we’re both stubborn people, but if we can just find a halfway point-”

“(Y/n), (y/n),” He was settling me and the sentences that were coming out of my mouth at 100 mph.

“I’ll bend if you bend.” I promised.

The static of the call filled my ears until his voice finally did.

“For everyone else, I bend ... for you, I break.”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

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jalapeno-princess · 4 years

Text

Feels Like Falling in Love

Mark X Reader

Genre: Cheesy fluff

Word Count: 6.5K

Summary: You are assigned to a science project with Mark and over the course of working on your project together, you end up falling for the soft spoken introvert and little do you know, he’s falling for you too.

A/n: (He has such pretty fingers wtf) Anyways, I’ve been wanting to write a story about nerdy Mark for a while now and I got the idea from my science fair in the 8th grade idk just the thought of Mark being a soft spoken and shy “nerd” is the most adorable thing ever ugh I miss Mark

“Alright class, for your next upcoming project, you and a partner; which I have already pre-assigned will choose a scientific research topic to work on for your last assignment before spring break. This project is work a huge percent of your grade so I want you all to put as much hard work and dedication in to this specific assignment as you’ve done for the last few months of this semester. Once I announce whose going to be working with you, you will spend the rest of class coming up with ideas and brainstorming with your partner. This is a three week long project and although I’m giving you quite a generous amount of time to work on this project, I expect nothing but grade A products. Okay, let’s start.”

Your teacher began to call out the names and as you looked around the room, you soon grew nervous at the idea of working alongside someone who would be no help whatsoever during this entire project. There was nothing more you hated as a senior in high school than group projects. It seemed as if all of your classmates were well aware of how smart and hard working you were and how much time and effort you put in to every single assignment you had. In the past, you’ve found yourself getting taken advantage of because of how kind and selfless you could be and sometimes you’d end up doing the entire project by yourself.

One thing you wished you could change about yourself was how much of a pushover you could be. Being the social butterfly you were, you made friends with practically everybody and anybody. Everyone knew they could depend on you for whatever it was they needed help with and they knew you would never say no. Unfortunately, it was never in your nature to ever tell someone no. The last time you told someone you couldn’t do something for them, you felt guilty the entire day and ended up going along with whatever it was that they asked of you.

Soon everyone was being paired up and the only people that were left was your two best friends BamBam and Jackson, and one of the smartest people in your entire grade; Mark Tuan. Mark, in more or less words, was considerably the biggest nerd there could ever be. He knew the answer to any question someone had related to education. If you needed a calculus problem solved, the answer to who discovered North America or the summary of “The Great Gatsby”, Mark was your guy. He was known to be quite the introvert and had very little friends.

You’d find him with his face buried in a book or playing video games on his Nintendo switch. Even during class, he never seemed to pay any mind to anyone and only spoke up in class whenever your teacher would call on him. As much as you loved your friends, you were secretly hoping your teacher paired you up with Mark. You were sure she was aware of the two class clown’s reputations and how they were both borderline failing. Knowing that information, you couldn’t help but feel as if she would give you one of them instead of the quiet boy in attempts to help both Jackson and BamBam with their grades. If they put as much time and dedication in to their studies as they did with sports and house parties, then maybe they wouldn’t be on probation from graduating.

“For the final four, I’ve thought about this for a long time and although I know I’m making a mistake for obvious reasons, y/n, you’re going to be partners with Mark and Jackson, you’re partnering up with BamBam.” You let out a sigh of relief and had to stifle back a laugh when you heard Jackson begin to whine at your teacher’s decision.

“But Mrs.Young, I cant be partners with BamBam—you might as well give me an F now—ow! I’m just telling the truth! It’s obvious our dumbasses aren’t capable of getting anything done.” Jackson and BamBam began to bicker but your teacher was quick in getting them to stop talking and went over some important information that would help you all with the project. Once she was done explaining what she expected of the class, she sent you to get in to your groups with the intent of having you and your partner get started on your planning.

As you started to reach for your things in order to make your way towards Mark, he just so happened to take the seat next to you and quietly placed his things down. “I—um—hi y/n.” You gave him a soft smile before pulling out your notebook.

“Hi Mark. So, do you have any ideas on how you want to find out whose mouths are dirtier; Dogs or humans?” He nodded in agreement before handing over notes you assumed he must’ve wrote down as your teacher gave out the topics. You knew Mark was incredibly intelligent; the teachers never failed to rave about how quick he’d solve answers and how he always turned in assignments the day they were assigned. Seeing his notes and all of his ideas made your head spin. There was no way you’d come up with any of these ideas and you were extremely grateful that your teacher put you and Mark together.

“Wow—these proposals are amazing. How did you come up with these in less than five minutes?” He shrugged before looking around the classroom and sneakily taking out his phone when he noticed your teacher was busy talking to another group.

“I just typed the question in to google. But I’ve actually done research on this topic in the past. I have a dog named Milo—he tends to lick me a lot and I was curious as to how dirty his mouth is—sorry. Too much information.” You shook your head to let him know it was okay. Although this was the first time you’ve ever interacted with Mark, you were pretty sure with the reputation he kept up as the teacher’s pet and “the most reliable geek in school” that this was probably one of the longest conversations he’s had with anybody and you couldn’t help but feel a little excited at the thought of him being comfortable with you.

“No no—that’s really cool. I’d be interested too if I had any pets. I mean, they drink toilet water and eat their own poop, I’m sure their mouths are extremely dirty. Imagine waking up to them licking all over your face only to find out they were sniffing another dog’s butthole.” When you heard the soft giggle fall from his lips, you felt embarrassed at how you had no filter. You tended to talk a little too much about the most unnecessary things sometimes and you were sure you got that from Jackson. If you were having this conversation with one of your friends, you wouldn’t have felt as weird but seeing as how you and Mark hardly knew each other, you didn’t want his first impression of you being a bad one.

“Sorry, now I’m the one giving out too much information. This all sounds really good by the way. Did you want to start scheduling when you wanted to meet up to work on the project?” He took out his planner and began flipping through the pages to this week and looked over the days. Seeing him use a planner made you happy for some odd reason. It was probably because you knew there was a possibility Mark was probably the only student who put the school’s planner to good use. Jackson lost his on the second day of school but he never used any of the past planners any way.

“I’m free after school tomorrow if that’s good with you. Maybe we can use my dog as the experiment and then we can both test ourselves and compare the two? Would you mind coming over to my place?” You smiled and nodded in agreement and you began to feel something weird in your stomach as you started to think about spending time with Mark. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t find him attractive. Even if he wore big, circular glasses and his wardrobe consisted mainly of khaki shorts and polos, he was extremely good looking and you were sure that if he were to join a sport rather than the math and robotics team, then maybe he’d embrace his looks just a bit more. But at the same time, there was something you liked about how he presented himself to everyone. He was quiet, shy and a very introverted person; however it made him well—him.

You were sure he was content with the way he went about with things and nobody ever seemed to bother him in a negative way which you were grateful for. You never knew why, but although you didn’t know Mark personally, over the course of having him in this class, you couldn’t help but observe him every now and then and you’ve slowly grown fond of his quiet and gentle personality. You’ve also become very protective over him and whenever BamBam or Jackson would make jokes about what a nerd he was, you’d find yourself defending him.

Once class was over, you and Mark exchanged numbers and planned to walk over to his house as soon as school was over. You couldn’t help but be excited to spend time with Mark. He seemed to be one of the only people you had yet to build a friendship with and you could only hope that he would want to become friends with you. For all you knew, Mark could be the type of person that was all work and no play whenever it came to his education and you were sure that was the reason for his good grades and the dozens of scholarships he received back in your junior year.

When you began walking towards your locker, you weren’t able to even turn the dial once before you were joined by tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum and they both had the biggest frowns on their faces. Deep down, you knew exactly why they were coming to you and no matter how many occasions you’d find yourself giving in to them, this time was different. Not only did you want a good grade on this project and a partner you could depend on, but this was your only chance of becoming closer with Mark and you would shave your head bald before letting either of them get in the way of your desired objective. Before Jackson could open his mouth, you were already shaking your head in disagreement; earning yourself whines from the both of them.

“No. My answer is no.” Jackson crossed in arms in frustration as BamBam decided to take things another direction. As soon as you felt him wrap his arms around you, you quickly pulled yourself from out of his embrace and gave him a knowing look.

“Y/n, you don’t even know what we’re asking for—“

“You want me to ask Mrs.Young to switch our partners. I’m not stupid. I knew this was going to happen as soon as she announced the pairings. My answer is no and there’s nothing either of you can do about it. I’m going to tell you both now, your puppy dog eyes aren’t going to work on me this time. Mark and I already planned out our project and instead of trying to get me to change my mind, which; is already set by the way, you two should start brainstorming on how you can stop bread from molding.”

The three of you have been friends for over ten years, so you knew the many tricks they had up their sleeve and you had a feeling they would do whatever they could in their power to get you to rethink your decision. As much as you wanted to be able to help them in any way that you could, they were high school seniors who needed to be responsible for themselves. You were their best friend, not their mother and you weren’t going to sacrifice your grade and having a partner who’d actually do his share just to make your friends happy.

The next day, your mind was too busy with thoughts of Mark and working on your project that you didn’t pay much attention in any of your classes. You’ve seen him in class every single day and you’ve known the soft spoken boy since middle school, why were you so flustered at having to work with him? If it were anyone else, you’d have such an easy time to interact with them. But something about Mark made you shy and you could only hope you wouldn’t embarrass yourself during your study session. When the last period came around, you walked in to class and saw that Mark was sitting in the seat next to yours. You gave him a small smile and found yourself warming up when he returned one back.

“Hey, I actually started working on the assignment last night. Our topic is actually very interesting and I couldn’t help the aspiring biology major inside of me. I took some DNA samples from Milo after we came back from a walk but I wanted to save all the fun stuff for later. You’re not allergic to dogs are you?” You shook your head in disagreement and felt a smile growing on your face the more he went in to detail about his enthusiasm. If you already thought Mark was just by his quiet and extremely polite nature, hearing how passionate he was about science; a subject almost everyone in your grade seemed to hate made your heart flutter.

The two of you haven’t even started working on the project just yet. How were you going to control yourself around him for the next couple of weeks? Throughout the lesson, Jackson and BamBam attempted to send melancholic looks your way as their final attempt to get you to switch partners with one of them, but you were too interested in what Mark had to say to pay any attention to either of them. You had a hard time understanding how someone could make different types of bacteria in dog and human saliva sound so cute. Once class was finally over, you and Mark began making your way over to his house.

Luckily, he didn’t live all too far away from school because you felt like the walk would be extremely awkward and quiet. Sure, you were known to be outgoing and sometimes outspoken to the point where someone had to tell you to quiet down. But things were different with Mark. He made you feel flustered and intimidated just by his presence alone.

“Can I be honest with you?” You looked up at him and nodded while motioning for him to continue his question. “I’m glad we’re partners. I uh—I was hoping Mrs.Young was going to pair us up together. I know we hardly know each other, but you’re the only other student in the class who genuinely seems interested in learning. You’re always giving her your attention unlike everyone else who seems to either fall asleep or go on their phones. I look forward to working with you y/n. I know I’m not the most outgoing or talkative person ever, but if it’ll make you feel more comfortable I’ll try my best in communicating with you.”

Hearing that he was willing to go out of his comfort zone to make sure you felt comfortable sent warmth to your cheeks. You also couldn’t stop replaying what he said about observing you in class in your mind. For someone who didn’t seem to interact with anyone other than teachers and his friends, he seemed to have an easy time talking with you and you could only hope he felt like he could be himself around you.

To your surprise, Mark was quite the conversationalist. He began talking about so many things and asked you questions that he claimed he was curious about. You would’ve never thought that Mark played both basketball and baseball in middle school nor did he seem like the type who enjoyed baking but he promised you his chocolate chip cookies were to die for and that he’d make you some once the two of you made it to his house. After almost twenty minutes of walking which literally seemed like five minutes with how much fun you were having learning different things about the handsome boy, the two of you reached his house and like the gentleman he claimed to be, he opened the door and allowed you to walk in first.

“Please don’t mind the mess, my sister visits with her daughters every now and then and I think my mom mentioned something about them coming over today. Plus Milo has his toys scattered all around, but make yourself at home. I’ll get us something to eat and then we can head upstairs to my room—I mean, if you’re okay with that. If not, we can work down here.” Seeing him scratch the back of his neck in embarrassment made you giggle softly to yourself. It was a habit of his that you noticed he’d do every time he felt bashful or nervous. It was cute. He was cute and you were quickly finding more and more things about him that you liked the longer you stayed with him.

“Mark sweetie is that you—oh hello! I’m Mark’s mom. You must be y/n. You’re right Mark, she’s extremely beautiful—I mean—you know what I think your dad needs me in the garden. It was nice meeting you dear! Don’t hesitate to ask me if you need anything.” You turned your attention towards the ground, trying your best not to make it obvious that her words made you feel as if your heart was about to jump out of your chest. It was one thing for his mother to compliment you, but to hear her agree with Mark on how beautiful he told her you were made you feel giddy inside. He thought you were beautiful? You wondered what else he must’ve told his mom but you decided to keep it to yourself because you knew with the way she practically bolted out of the kitchen that she wasn’t supposed to say that. Although, you were extremely happy that she did.

“Uh, please don’t mind her. You know parents—they can be quite embarrassing sometimes. Can I get you something to drink? We have orange juice, lemonade, water, Pepsi—“

“I’m fine with water. Thank you.” He reached in to the fridge and grabbed two bottles of water and some sandwiches before making his way to the cabinet and grabbing some chips.

“Follow me.” The two of you made your way up the stairs and a smile began rising on your face at the sight of all his family photos. You didn’t know that he had three other siblings and it made you snicker at how much they all looked alike. Good looks obviously ran in their family. When Mark didn’t feel you following after him, he took a look to where you were and his eyes practically jumped out of his head when he saw you looking at photos of him when he was younger.

“Oh God y/n—stop—don’t look at those they’re so embarrassing. Why didn’t I think to cover them up?” He briskly walked over to you and absentmindedly grabbed at your wrist gently and pulled you behind him in the direction of his room. You were thankful he wasn’t looking at you because you were sure your cheeks were as pink as they were warm at the skin ship. His touch was soft and it was quite feather like for someone who was trying to pry you away from childhood mementos.

As the two of you entered his room, you were quick to notice just how much his room matched him. Although you had so much to learn about Mark, the multiple anime figurines on his desk along with a couple of action movies on his wall, his PlayStation, Xbox and a mini globe on his night stand emulated exactly what you’d picture his room to look like. His room was quite tidy for a guy; there was no where you could sit in Jackson’s room and you were sure there had to be a rat living somewhere in BamBam’s with the way you couldn’t even see the ground. He pulled out the chair from his desk and motioned for you to take a seat as he walked right back outside. Mark gave you no time to ask where he was going before he reentered the room with whom you assumed to be Milo.

“Here is our test subject. Say hi Milo.” He placed Milo down on the ground and the little pup immediately made his way towards you.

“He’s so fluffy and extremely adorable. Mind if I pick him up?” He shook his head and you allowed Milo to jump on to your lap before running your fingers through his hair. You were so in to playing with Milo, that you didn’t realize the look of admiration on Mark’s face as he watched you play with his dog. A toothy grin rose on his face watching you squeeze and play around with Milo and it made him feel warm inside. This was the longest he ever went spending time with a girl. Being the introverted person that he was, it was already hard for him to interact with other students. What more with girls? Especially girls he found very pretty with a bright and bubbly personality.

If someone were to tell Mark that he would be in his room with the girl he’s had a crush on since freshman year, he would’ve laughed in their face but here he was; watching you holding and leaving soft kisses on his puppy while sitting at his computer desk. He had to be dreaming. The two of you came from different worlds; Mark hid himself in his books and spent most of his time in the library whereas you were constantly joining all these different clubs and befriending almost everyone on campus. He never thought he stood a chance with you; let alone being your friend. Watching you from afar in class, helping your friends and practically anyone in the class you had a hard time understanding the material on top of being the only optimistic student in a bunch of pessimists is what got Mark to develop a little crush on you.

He felt like it was stupid; how could he gain feelings for someone he hasn’t even talked to once in his four years of knowing them. But he didn’t have to know you personally to know how much of an amazing person you were. It was all he ever heard about from teachers, your fellow classmates and even some of your friends. You were the school’s social butterfly. Everyone who knew you wanted to be your friend and naturally gravitated towards you. It didn’t help that he thought you were the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, and the fact that you had an equally beautiful heart made things even harder for him.

“You have call of duty black ops 4? Where’d you get it? It’s been sold out everywhere for months!” Seeing you so excited over something he was also heavily interested in brought him joy. You were so adorable. “My uncle’s friend is actually a video game artist, so he got a few copies and gave me one. Did you maybe want to play once we finish—or we could play a little bit now and work on the project later. We have a few weeks to work on it so we should be fine.”

Deep down you knew that you should’ve been starting on your project, it was the reason why you were currently at Mark’s house in the first place but you couldn’t help the fact that you’ve been dying to get your hands on the new installment of your favorite video game and like he said, you both had plenty of time to work on it. You didn’t mean to pout at the idea of waiting till later to play and you found it weird how natural it felt being around Mark, but you liked it and you could get used to it. He handed you the controller and you navigated through the game like a natural.

To say Mark was in shock at how good you were was an understatement. Most girls Mark knew would never go near a game console let alone play such a difficult game with such ease. At one point, you were doing way better than he was and he found himself smiling like an idiot at your eagerness to kill all the bad guys. For the next few hours, the two of you took turns playing while snacking on the sandwiches and chips he brought up for you both. He even sneaked away to the kitchen to get you some of the cookies he mentioned earlier and your reaction was the most adorable thing Mark has ever seen. Your cheeks were puffy and you had a mouth full of cookies, but that didn’t stop you from telling him how delicious they were.

The two of you were so focused on playing that you didn’t realize exactly what time it was until Mark’s mom knocked on his door and asked you if you were staying for dinner. Not wanting to intrude on his family, nor were you mentally prepared to meet all of them just yet, you politely declined and thanked her for her hospitality before calling your dad to come pick you up. While waiting for your parents to arrive, you and Mark continued your conversation from where you left off earlier before giving all your attention to his xbox.

Listening to Mark talk about things that most people would consider boring felt like a breath of fresh air. He had to be one of the only people if not the only person you knew who preferred listening to classical music than to what was playing on most radio stations. In the few hours you got to spend with him, you decided that Mark Tuan was one of your favorite people and you couldn’t wait to learn more about him and bond with him for the next couple of weeks. When your mom let you know that they had just arrived, you said your goodbyes to the Tuan family and thanked Mark for being such a great host. As soon as you got in the car, the huge smile on your face caught your mom’s attention and she was quick to ask the question that’s been eating at her the minute she saw Mark walking you over to your car and saying hello to both of your parents.

“He’s cute! And quite the gentleman. You like him don’t you?” Your eyes widened in shock at her revelation but your mom knew you better than anyone else. You didn’t need to say it out loud, your facial expression as he held the door open for you and walked you over to your car spoke for you.

You were falling for Mark.

Over the next few weeks, you and Mark were practically attached by the hip. After the first time he sat next to you in class, he never returned back to his actual spot and continued sitting next to you even if most of your classmates sat in their regular assigned seats. Then as soon as school was over, you’d head over to either his house, your house, the library or the coffee shop just a few minutes away from school. Most of your time together was spent working on your project, but there were a few moments where the two of you would take a break to eat, play some video games, watch a movie or just talk.

Even during lunch, instead of hanging out with your usual group, you found yourself sitting with Mark and they didn’t seem to mind it. A few of your friends knew of your crush on Mark and in fact, it was your friend Jinyoung who suggested that you go and sit with Mark in order to “get to know your science partner better.” Once BamBam and Jackson caught wind of the feelings you’ve developed for Mark, they did not let you hear the end of it.

“So this is why you were so adamant on not switching partners. You have a thing for Markie boy. I don’t blame you, he has the brains and he’s actually pretty good looking if I do say so myself. From what I hear from some of my teammates, apparently he has a big dick—what? That’s what I heard—well anyways, I think you should act on your feelings. Mark doesn’t seem like the type to tell someone he likes them so you’re going to continue wasting your time ogling over him if you don’t make a move—don’t look at me like that y/n it’s 2020 anything is possible. Equality for all.”

As much as you hated whenever your friends would get involved in your relationships, Jackson had a point. Even if you and Mark have grown close in the last two weeks, he didn’t seem like the type of guy to confess his feelings for someone. Hell, you had a feeling you were the only girl he ever talked to which you were extremely grateful for. Mark seemed to be a very private person who enjoyed being mysterious and preferred to be to himself a lot; so you were honored to be one of the only people he genuinely seemed to trust. You’d like to consider you and Mark friends at this point and you’ve noticed in the last few days that he’s been more touchier and flirtatious than usual.

You didn’t think Mark; the so called “nerdy and irritatingly intelligent gamer” was capable of such smooth pickup lines until he used one about you being made of copper and tellurium because you are “Cu-Te” and it might’ve been a scientific joke to him but it really set your bones on fire. Since there were only a few days left until your project was due, you decided that you’d tell Mark how you feel no matter what the outcome was. You both were practically finished with the project and spent most of your days having fun together rather than working. So if things went to shit, then you could pretend as if nothing happened and go about your life like how it was before this science project.

Although, the idea of no longer having Mark in your life sent an unsettling sensation to your stomach. The two of you were currently at his house watching a movie and he had explained to you that both his parents and his brother were away at one of Joey’s taekwando tournaments leaving you and Mark all alone with Milo. The thought of actually being all alone with Mark both worried you and delighted you. As much as you enjoyed being around his family, it would be much easier to tell him how you felt about him without people around. When Mark first offered to put on a movie, you had to laugh when you noticed just how far he sat away from you on the couch.

You knew he was trying to be a gentleman and that he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, but you found yourselves on a few occasions practically cuddling up on his bed. While the movie played, you’d absentmindedly look at Mark every now and then mentally tracing his handsome features and wanting nothing more than to kiss his pretty pink heart shaped lips. The longer you analyzed his face, the more you began to find things that you never realized before like the cute little mole right above his lip or the scar right above his eyebrow. You also couldn’t help but imagine what he would look like without his glasses and soon you found yourself wanting to know if he ever went without them.

“Hey Mark?” You could tell by the way his eyes were practically glued to the television that he was very interested in the movie so you felt bad for interrupting him, but he paused it in order to give you his full attention and nonverbally motioned for you to go on.

“Have you ever thought about getting contacts?” He looked at you in curiosity and actually thought about the question for a few moments before shaking his head.

“My optometrist asked me a couple of times but I always decline. I know you’ll probably think I’m a wimp for saying this but I have a fear of not knowing how to put them on and accidentally poking my eye out so I just stay safe and go with glasses. How come?” You shrugged nonchalantly although your heart rate began to increase at the thought of your next words.

“You have really pretty eyes. I guess I just want to see them better but your comfort is the most important thing.” You began to pick at your fingers and Mark was glad your attention was elsewhere or else you would’ve seen just how crazy you’ve been driving him in the last few weeks having to do all these things with you and not getting to kiss you, hold you and do all these cute, romantic things that most couples did because all Mark wanted at the end of the day was to be the lucky guy who you called yours.

“Oh—I—I’m—um—thank you. Maybe I’ll take contacts in to consideration just for you.” You let out a light chuckle and shook your head in disagreement.

“No no, you’re totally fine. You look good with or without glasses. Please don’t feel like you’d have to do anything because of me—“

“I’d do anything for you y/n. Anything you’d ask me to do I’d do it in a heartbeat. Oh and you—you have a really pretty face and a really pretty personality. Hell, everything about you is really pretty—ah shit. That was weird wasn’t it? Please forget I said anything.” He began to reach for the controller as a way to distract you and to get you to forget what he just said but there was no way you could ever forget hearing him say that everything about you is pretty. Right as he was about to resume, you reached at his hand, took the controller and turned off the movie. He looked at you with the most adorable look of confusion and you decided it was now or never.

“Mark.”

“Hmmm?”

“Can I kiss you?” The cough that fell from his lips was unexpected and you took that as a negative sign. You wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow you whole. When was breaking out in to a fit of coughs ever a good sign after asking someone if you could kiss them? You hid your face in your hands and tried your best not to look at him in fear of crying because you ruined everything.

“You know what? Please forget I said anything I must be going insane it’s the lack of sleep and—“ he playfully covered your mouth in attempts to stop you from talking so that he could explain himself.

“Don’t get me wrong, I want to kiss you. Trust me, I really, really want to kiss you. I’ve been thinking about kissing these pretty lips of yours for longer than I’d like to admit okay—and I hope by hearing that confession you now know that I like you. I like you a lot y/n. I’ve liked you since freshman year and I’ve always felt so dumb because we didn’t know each other back then but I knew enough to want to be someone special in your life. I—I’ve never kissed anyone before. Pathetic right? A high school senior who has never been kissed. I’m a fucking loser and I’m afraid of messing things up—“ the minute Mark felt your lips smash against his, his heart melted in to a puddle.

You reached for his hands and brought them down to your waist as you wrapped yours around his neck, pulling him closer in order to deepen the kiss. He was still in shock for the first few seconds and you knew he was still hesitant on continuing the kiss because he had no clue what he was doing, but after a few moments, his lips melded perfectly with yours. His lips were soft and tasted like butter from the popcorn and you couldn’t help but giggle at how rough and clumsy his kisses grew the longer the two of you made out but it didn’t matter.

It was special and you knew there would be many kisses shared between the two of you later on and he had plenty of time to work on his kissing skills; although for a first timer, he was actually really good and you knew you were going to get addicted to the feeling of his lips on yours. When you needed to catch your breath, you pulled away earning yourself a soft whine and placed your forehead against his.

“Wow—I uh—that was—you were—wow. Can we—can I kiss you again?” You snickered at his excitement and nodded; not being able to say no since you wanted it too. He cupped your cheek in his palm and reconnected your lips together. To your surprise and delight, he swiped his tongue along your bottom lip and brought it in between his teeth before shoving his tongue down your throat. You were shocked to say the least at what a natural he was, especially since kissing wasn’t the easiest thing to do.

“Are you sure this was your first time? I don’t think anyone whose never been kissed before knows how to French kiss. You’re a cheeky one aren’t you Tuan? I like you too by the way.” His laughter filled the room before he pulled you on to his lap and hid his face in the crook of your neck.

“Date me. Please?” Now it was your turn to laugh. God, how could someone be this cute yet kiss like he’s been doing it for years? What else was he hiding from you? When you quickly nodded and stole a kiss from the corner of his mouth, he released a content sigh and tightened his grip on your waist before turning the movie back on.

“Wait—babe, humans have more bacteria in their saliva than dogs do. Ew!!! If this is what kissing entails than I better keep some mouthwash on hand because I plan on kissing you a lot.”

“Way to ruin the mood Tuan.”

#got7 imagines #mark tuan #mark tuan got7 #mark tuan imagines #got7 fluff

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silverfierro · 3 years

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Secrets in Spotlight // Self Para

A pivotal moment was upon them. A moment more exciting than any promotion, more memorable than any dance held in the school gymnasium, and of such sheer importance that their lives hanging in the balance could be saved by the right phrase or look into the camera just because of it.

Gemma radiated preparedness, stationed to step on stage the moment Niko’s friend from District 5 was through with his interview.

Niko continually collapsed inward as he tried on the skin of a version of himself that cared.

The crowd loved her. Gemma basked in the acknowledgement that everything she’d done to impress had seemingly worked. The roar of the sitting audience was all she had dreamed about every night since their training scores were revealed. Their faces didn’t matter. She could replace them with whoever’s face she wanted. Her friends, her coworkers, her acquaintances from Six’s streets.

Seated across from Calix, the young girl elongated her spine and was terribly aware of the rapid drying of her gums as she tried to hold her smile.

“Gemma Raz, everyone!” the man yelled. “You and your district partner Niko have certainly captured the attention of the nation, though not in the way anyone expected! You two media moochers! Have you always been so outgoing?

She instinctively tried to pull at a piece of her hair that wasn’t hanging there at the moment. “I’m a bit of a go-getter,” she explained. “I was taught from a young age to go after everything I want and to never give up on it.”

“That much is clear!” the interviewer expressed. “And so what are you chasing after here? Victory? Do tell.”

Gemma wanted desperately to pause and consider an answer, but silence could be translated to doubt which in turn could result in ridicule. She could not allow for anyone to think she wasn’t certain of herself. Even if it meant lying or faking it without giving Niko a head’s up.

“Of course victory. Being here isn’t something I can say I wanted, but now that I’m here, I recognize all of the possibilities being a victor could provide. There’s change we could make in our home district, experiences to indulge in here, and opportunities I never thought could be so close in reach. Niko and I are eager to make those possibilities a reality.” Lovely, she thought, she was able to rope him in.

The interview continued without even a hint of a snag. Gemma laughed at Calix’s humor and gifted the audience every answer she imagined they wanted from her. She stressed loyalty and teamwork above all. That part was easy. Betraying Niko was a scenario she couldn’t fathom. The only constant of the arena playing in her mind was her best friend beside her. The brick that keep her grounded, the splash of water in the face when sparkles of delusion blinded her. She needed him.

“One last question for you, darling,” Calix said, causing the audience to fall silent. “What advice from your father are you taking into the arena with you?”

Gemma must’ve spoken about her dad much more than she had anticipated, either now or on the live steam from the day before. It was a good thing. She’d make them aware of a detail without even doing it on purpose.

“My father is simply jammed full of expertise,” she bragged on him. “He’s taught me dozens of things, but the most important one has to be his policy on people.” She paused to remember the first time she heard the words out of his mouth. It was such an impactful moment in her life, wisdom that she carried with her as often as she did a pen or her purse.

“Everyone has a purpose in life whether they want it or not. You can either be a stepping stool for others or the one climbing to the top. It’s always your choice.” Her own voice speaking sounded so much like his she shuddered.

“We hope you’ll reach those heights, Gemma. Everyone, the female tribute from district 6!” Calix applauded the girl as she exited the stage. Gemma, in what she could’ve sworn was slow motion, gave the camera one last longing look before she disappeared from view and came face-to-face with Niko.

“How did I do?” she asked whilst the rush of the interview faded off her face and was replaced with the look of analyzing every detail of the last five minutes.

“You want the truth or do you want me to lie?” Niko asked without staring back at her.

“Do you need to lie?”

“No.”

She smacked the boy a little harder than she normally would’ve, though being careful not to mess up the fuzz on his jacket sleeve. “Why are you like this?”

“People love you, Gemma,” he explained as though it were obvious. “Asking me if you did well is like asking if the sky is in Six is gray.”

The only had a few seconds of conversation before one was swept backstage for last minute photos and the other was given a countdown to his stage debut. Gemma gazed back. She simultaneously wished him luck, but hoped he wouldn’t do as well as she did. Selfish thinking that she wasn’t proud of.

He wanted to do better, but knew that was an impossible feat. People were shallow and liked public figures they could project themselves onto. They liked personalities like Gemma who would lie to them and be agreeable. Ever since his father had once told him not to move past the outer rim of their home, Niko had found ways to break expectations and move past where he was supposed to.

He didn’t even remember what the first few questions were. They all seemed generic and, again, shallow. Nothing he could answer with any sort of depth. Calix’s face looked like a clown’s, pulled back and held in-place with some sort of advanced make-up technique that he figured was supposed to look good. Niko spent more time visualizing what they’d do to him to make him more presentable.

What is your favorite thing about the Capitol so far? What skills do you plan to show-off in the arena? Who do you plan to work with?

His answers prior must’ve been short or lacking, but the longer the heat of the lights above made his neck sweat, the more he wanted off the stage. The role of calm and cool under pressure was getting so old despite being adjacent to his normal behavior. He itched to be rid of it. “Gemma, obviously,” he answered. “There are other tributes I’ve met, but most of them were psychopaths so,” he tailed off, pointing a thumb to where the others waited for their turns.

The audience reacted with shock as directed by the host, who had shifted gears entirely from his previous guest. “So Niko, we have to admit we did some digging on you. Scandalous, I know, but you should feel honored! Is it true that you aren’t originally from District Six? But instead from the savage wilds outside of Panem’s secure borders?”

The boy stared at the host with confusion. It wasn’t like his origin story was a secret, not when anyone who asked why he didn’t understand holidays or know how to behave in certain situations got an answer as to why. “Savage is one way of describing it, but yah. That’s where I’m from.”

“Meaning you aren’t really from anywhere, are you?” Calix was quite obviously fishing for a reaction and Niko wasn’t about to give him one.

“The wilds are a place,” he explained, eyes purposefully aimed into the camera instead of at Calix. “I was born there, grew up there. There’s more than just Panem, you know. Peacekeepers still do patrols there all the time.” It didn’t make sense to him why the government didn’t just claim the land outside of Panem’s borders as their own. Nobody owned it and they didn’t want anyone out there. To add it to part of the country made more sense than forbidding it outright.

Calix’s weird face stretched in a devilish manner. “Thank you for bringing me to my next and final point, Mr. Bello. As I mentioned, we dig some research into you and where you came from” Niko was quiet again, listening to Calix speak. What more was there? His parents lived with him in the wilds and they’d been separated when he was five. There was nothing more to tell.

“Peacekeepers in the year 109 did sweeps of the areas immediately outside our country’s borders, which is where they found your family, hiding from their responsibilities in Six. Your parent’s base was infiltrated and disbanded, while you were graciously taken back to Six to live a normal life.” Calix paused again for the audience to take in the information he was feeding them. Niko slouched in his chair, disinterested and frustrated that his interview was lasting longer than he planned.

“What you don’t know is that the peacekeeper task force assigned to that mission was stationed in District Six. Their captain? A man named Richard Raz. Gemma’s father!” Calix gasped, as did the rest of the audience before turning to each other in louder-than-appropriate conversation about the bomb dropped.

Niko’s breath was tight inside his chest with nowhere to go. His eyes fixated on Calix’s satisfied grin, he could’ve leaped out of his chair and attacked him if it weren’t for a miniature Gemma sitting on his shoulder. Gemma, the sole person in the world he trusted beyond lending a coin. He wanted to be alone with her. He wanted more truth than what was being said. Did she already know or were her insides stirring as much as his were?

“Thanks for the update, Calix,” Niko finally answered, decisively keeping his dignity. A meltdown or outrage wouldn’t be good for the image they’d built up, if there was even a they anymore. He wasn’t so sure now. It mostly depended on what Gemma thought of it all. He could almost hear her denying it already, but this was cold-hard fact. Blaming her for her father’s actions would be stupid, but it was exactly the kind of thing she would think he would do. “That’s five questions though, right? I’m out.”

He stood up and nodded to the audience, walking out as Calix hastily gave him away. If he had missed up his plans for ratings or highlight videos, good.

Somehow he wasn’t expecting Gemma to be the first person he came into contact with. Her eyes were watery and he immediately dismissed it. “Quit it,” he demanded of her sternly. “This doesn’t change anything. He didn’t even dig up anything good. What happened in the past has nothing to do with us.”

He said it with the upmost belief, but it was apparent in the way he didn’t gravitate towards her and in how her eyes didn’t glow like stars that something had indeed changed.

Gemma reached for him instead in a warm embrace partially blocked by the clothing they wore. “I could never hurt you, Niko,” she choked through tears.

“I know,” he replied, the hurt taking the place of shock as he wrapped his arms around her. “You wouldn’t.”

#self para #interviews #ft. Niko

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i-dentities · 4 years

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[Subject name: Unknown. Begin transcript.]

Oh, Simmons, Simmons, Simmons. You want to talk about Simmons? Okay, I’ll bite. What a useless fucking idiot that man was. I mean, really, he was manipulative and cruel, but he didn’t make a lick of sense half the time. All bravado, you know?

[DSO Agent Inverness: But he was worth the effort of having him infected in Tatchi?]

Well, of course. We had a… complicated history. He made me what I am. He just never expected I’d be smarter and crueller than him.

[Agent Inverness: What do you mean, he made you what you are? When did you meet?]

[BSAA representative Jacobs: This is useless. Make her tell us where the Neo-Umbrella bases are.]

[Agent Inverness: We need to know the extent of Simmons’ involvement and the effect on the American government.]

[SSA Forster: Answer the question, Ms. Wong, and we’ll get you some water.]

[Subject looks up at the speaker, then into the camera on the wall.]

Is that my FBI profiler? Boy, I’ve got the whole menagerie, Special Supervisory Agent Randall Forster.

[SSA Forster: You’re not intimidating us, Ms. Wong. Start from the beginning.]

Oh, I’m not going to start from the beginning. You’d just pity me, and none of us want that. [Laughs.] I’ll start from the beginning with Derek, though. Let’s see.

You wanted to know about his, well, insidious effect on the American government? I suppose that’s where it starts. I was eighteen and he was twenty-five when he hired me to take care of General John Harrison. Romantic, isn’t it? I guess you all never tested for belladonna. [Note: Exhumation ordered immediately after this statement confirms presence of atropine and hyoscyamine in hair samples.] I must’ve been pretty good, because after that I was his go-to weapon for getting people out of his way, and he told me all about his big ideas. A world of chaos. You know the spiel.

[Agent Inverness: Why didn’t you tell anyone about this? Why did you go along with it?]

Ever listen to the song Sixteen Going On Seventeen from The Sound Of Music? You’ll have to get the full prognosis from Randall.

[Agent Inverness: So your relationship was intimate in nature?]

Is nothing private?

[Ms. Jacobs: You’re clearly showing signs of dehydration and exhaustion, Ms. Wong. We both know this act is getting you nowhere.]

Fine, I’ll sing for my supper. He considered himself in love with me and believed that I was or should be in love with him, and he was pretty damn convincing.

[SSA Forster: Did you perceive it differently?]

Oh, I believed everything he told me. I would’ve done anything to make him proud, back then. Can I get back to the story?

[Agent Inverness: Go on.]

So, he had his plans and his power, and I had my skills and my smarts, and we were - really - the perfect team. At least, that’s what he said. I brought him samples of various bioweapon agents over the years, to--

[Ms. Jacobs: Which bioweapons?]

To make the C-virus and develop reliable options, I was about to say. You really love interrupting me. It was… G-Virus, Raccoon City, 1998. t-Veronica, Sacred Snakes, 2002. The Dominant plaga, Eastern Slav Republic, 2011. I’m sure there were others.

I was personally involved with the development of the C-virus. If I may, I’ve been considered something of a prodigy. Derek always told me I was the only woman smart enough to keep up with him, whatever that’s worth, and I worked as a virologist at Umbrella in 1997. I mean, I’m sure you know all about my research for Neo-Umbrella. Marhawa, Edonia, even Tatchi… Field experiments.

And, of course, throughout this time I carried out all kinds of covert operations for him. I silenced people who knew too much about him, killed people who had power he wanted for himself, the whole nine yards. Anything to make him proud. Anything to advance his agenda, our agenda. He always told me… what was it? I would sit beside him when he was on his throne.

[SSA Forster: What throne would he have in a world of chaos?]

He was going to bring order to it. Under him. Listen to what I’m telling you; it’s a story. You’re a bad audience.

[Agent Inverness: Okay, where did you get the funding for your work?]

We pooled our funds. I worked hard, ran high-rolling jobs for all kinds of interests. Albert Wesker was one of my primary employers up through his death. Tricell, Umbrella, all kinds of militias, whoever could meet my asking price. I’ve always been pretty well-known in the bioweapons industry. Derek was the reason you didn’t have eyes on me until a couple years ago, he kept me out of reports and all.

When I was getting the Dominant plaga sample from the ESR for him, I posed as a BSAA agent, and in the fallout of the outbreak there I was labelled an international terrorist. I’m sure if you look, you can find his footprint in a few different intelligence databases, removing me. He was always so sloppy. [Evidence of file corruption in BSAA bioterror database coinciding with the time frame of this allegation has been found.]

For his part… you know he was a rich kid. That was where it started, and when our little operation grew he realized that you Americans really sink all kinds of no-strings-attached taxpayer money into all kinds of undisclosed national security projects.

I guess if you wanted to find something, one of his big sources was what he presented as a counterterror research and development operation. He called it Project Ada-- isn’t that sweet? Anyways, if you really get in the classified files there, my best guess is you’ll find... nothing. It wasn’t off the record, it was just Neo-Umbrella, and you gave us millions. [Existence of an US-STRATCOM undertaking codenamed PROJECT ADA from 1999-2009 has been confirmed; no evidence as to its function.]

Of course, I outgrew him eventually. Like I said, he made me even better than he was, and when I realized the monster he’d turned me into… [Laughs.] Well, I’m petty. I wanted to make him into a monster too.

[Ms. Jacobs: Why didn’t you turn him in?]

Would’ve been my word against his. Besides, then my plans would be ruined. Global infection, you know.

[Ms. Jacobs: So they were your plans?]

He’d given them to me. [Shifting.] What part of this doesn’t click for you, really? I’m exactly what he made me into. I know that. Tall Oaks… Tatchi… HAOS… that’s what I was made to do.

[Agent Inverness: So you orchestrated the assassination of President Benford?]

As much as I wish I could take credit for that, you’ve made it clear I have to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth just to get a glass of fucking water around here, so no. It’s confusing, I know. How do you want me to go through 2012-2013? In chronological order, or by topic?

[Agent Inverness: In order.]

Alright, but don’t blame me if you get lost.

Okay, so I’d outgrown him, right? But he didn’t know that yet. Without his knowledge, I expanded Neo-Umbrella’s operations and started developing HAOS. Then in December, he ordered me to go to Edonia to ensure the US government successfully acquired Muller. I should have the mission briefing in my personal files in the facility you raided. [A partially damaged film reel was discovered matching this description.]

[Agent Inverness: But you didn’t. You abducted Albert Wesker’s son and performed unethical experiments on him for six months.]

Would you have done any differently?

[No response.]

We both know you wouldn’t. He’d still be in your custody if you got your hands on him, just like this except the only crime he committed against you was having a father. How old was Sherry Birkin when you put her in Simmons’ custody? Twelve? How old was she when you stopped experimenting on her?

You’re just like me- no, you are- only you make the antidotes and I make the poisons, and with all your resources and human guinea pigs you’re still always one step behind. Is it worth it? Are you proud?

[Break in recording here.]

--so no, he wasn’t involved with the development of the enhanced strain. [Coughs.] Christ. Still no [Recording corrupted.] He was pretty mad when he found out about it in Tatchi-- the enhancement made it harder for him to control, but that’s later. Where were we?

[Ms. Jacobs: What about Captain Redfield’s team? Was that part of your ‘field experiment’?]

[Laughs] No, that was for fun. Bunch of rats in a cage, you just wanna mess with ‘em.

[Coughing and sounds of motion.]

Oh, come on, let’s not- hey, hey, hey, let’s not do this again. Am I in trouble for telling the truth, now? You asked, hey, why don’t you pick on someone your own size? Jesus. I’m delicate, you know. Fragile contents. I’m just answering your question.

I pretended to be a damsel in distress so I’d get escorted through a dangerous area, I do it all the time. I did it in Raccoon City. Just didn’t let them all go that time. Anyways, I didn’t like Edonia. All I got was an annoying kid. Can we move on?

[Agent Inverness: Is Tall Oaks more fun for you? You said that was Simmons’ work.]

Simmons’ show, my handiwork. It was my baby that triggered the outbreak. That was the basic C-Virus, of course; he didn’t know about the enhancements I’d developed with Muller’s antibodies.

My understanding of the situation is that Benford was planning to come clean to the public about the sterilization of Raccoon City, take responsibility. [Coughs.] Cute. Derek didn’t want to take responsibility, though; he was the first to call for the sterilization as soon as I’d gotten the G sample. Didn’t want any competition, you know. So he decided to silence the president instead of facing accountability.

[SSA Forster: You said he used your baby to trigger the outbreak. Are you referring to the Lepotica?]

Yes, my baby. They’re all my children; Lepotica, Gnezdo… they come from me.

[Ms. Jacobs: Let’s get back on track.]

[SSA Forster: You mean you developed them?]

I made them of myself. Loved them. Like Ustanak, like HAOS would have been, if your clowns hadn’t killed them. I talk to them, you know. Tell them about the world. They understand me, they listen to me. ‘My hideous creation, go forth and prosper.’ My children. They love me.

[Note from SSA Forster: The subject began to cry openly at this point. Though I’m unconvinced that her crying was authentic, previous autopsies have found traces of the subject’s own mutated DNA in Lepotica and Gnezdo specimens. This has been a subject of speculation, as well as the fact that Neo-Umbrella had samples of her DNA on file, but it seems clear to me now that she developed the strain of C-Virus that created them using her own DNA as a base, believing that it made the resulting Complete Mutations her offspring. This fits with reports of her close relationship with the neutralized human mutation called Ustanak, which she may have created in a similar manner.]

[Ms. Jacobs: Focus on the events of June 2013.]

[Agent Inverness: Take a moment, Ms. Wong. You weren’t in Tall Oaks?]

[Pause. Subject hiccups, then grunts in pain.] No, I was at the Quad Tower in Lanshiang, working. Getting ready for the attack there.

[Agent Inverness: And Simmons didn’t know this was coming?]

No, he was occupied with the whole treason plot. It allowed me to get all the pieces into position without him catching on. Do you need me to walk you through exactly all of the events in Tatchi? Like children? I have to warn you, with so many moving parts there will be holes even in my story-- don’t take it out on me.

[Agent Inverness: That won’t be necessary. We have BSAA communication logs that trace your location throughout the incident, up until your reported death. How did you do it?]

Survive? A magician never tells.

[Ms. Jacobs: Ms. Wong, the sooner you cooperate, the sooner you’ll get to eat. We’re almost done here.]

Fine. What’s for lunch? I’m famished.

[Ms. Jacobs: Answer the question.]

It’s simple, really. I’m sure Redfield and Nivans mentioned the helicopter on the scene. It was mine. I sent a signal, they dropped a body double, I swung away, they picked me up. Your boys didn’t even bother taking the elevator down to examine the body up close, which I was banking on. The BSAA isn’t known for being thorough. Always letting someone else clean up your messes- but I’m sure whoever cleaned up didn’t find a body, because the one I had dropped was infected. It tore a hole in the ship a few minutes later; easy destruction of evidence.

[Agent Inverness: So you just left after that?]

I’d been shot in the chest, I wasn’t fit to do much else without infecting myself, and I’m smarter than that. Simmons was infected, all my plans were in motion. The helicopter took me to a safehouse not far away, where I recovered briefly and then was moved to a different facility.

[Agent Inverness: Where was the safehouse?]

Ugh, really? It was a few miles outside Lanshiang, no one’s using it anymore. I’m sure you already found it. When’s lunch? You people have to actually feed me at some point if you want me to be useful, you know.

[Agent Inverness: Very well, Ms. Wong. Since you’ve been… mostly cooperative--]

I’ve been very nice. You have no idea how much meaner I could have been. In fact, I’m feeling more irritable by the minute and I think it’s because I need medical attention but you’re making me beg for water.

[Agent Inverness: Since you’ve been cooperative, then, I’ll ensure food and water are brought to your cell.]

What a gentleman. In that case, next time I’ll give you the locations of the remaining Neo-Umbrella research facilities. I think I’m free tomorrow if you want to make it soon. [Coughs.] I don’t like to be kept waiting.

Any last questions?

[Agent Inverness: We’re done for now.]

[Ms. Jacobs: Do you miss him?]

Simmons?

[Ms. Jacobs: Yes.]

Endlessly. It’s like he always said. I’m nothing without him.

[Agent Inverness: But… would you commit the attack in Tatchi again if you were able?]

[Pause.]

Without hesitation.

[End of transcript.]

Conclusion- SSA Randall Forster: This interview has raised a number of questions, but answered just as many. Based on those claims we have been able to authenticate with evidence, the story detailed here is the best understanding we have of “Wong”, Simmons, and their crimes. There appears to be absolutely no reason to reopen an investigation into Secret Service Agent Helena Harper, and in fact this interview offers insight into Simmons’ manipulative nature.

In the case of the subject herself, a full psychological profile will take significantly more time, and may wait until the DSO has been able to prove or disprove more of her statements and we have her complete history. Extracting her history before Simmons has become a secondary priority, particularly to find out where she got her training. This is proving extremely difficult; it seems to me that this comes from a deep-seated unwillingness to discuss her childhood rather than a petty attempt to impede investigation, so I believe more advanced interrogation practices will be necessary.

Sleep deprivation and mild starvation only seem to have made her irritable; her behavior indicates that she is trained and experienced with these conditions. However, she displayed a worrying level of volatility compared to reports of her attitude when she was brought in, and observers have reported that she displays erratic behavior in her cell. Having reviewed some of the surveillance tapes and her statements here, I believe not only that she experiences PTSD with psychotic features, but that solitary confinement is having an abnormally negative effect on whatever mental stability she has. This may be detrimental to the investigation.

Work with her is ongoing and will continue once she’s transported to a permanent facility. She has been given a pencil and paper to begin a list of GPS coordinates. In future interviews, agents should be wary of her ability to control conversations and manipulate others. Agent Inverness and Representative Jacobs both reported having somewhat sympathetic feelings toward the subject after this interview, despite the crimes she confessed.

#txt #long long long #ask to tag #also most of this is lies :)

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ohmygoodnessgraciouss · 5 years

Text

Hi Gorgeous (Jerome Valeska x Reader)

When Jerome escapes the asylum, you have no idea how you’re going to hide. Quite a bit different from the show! I wanted to write something that would give you a slight taste of what Jerome would really be like if he were psychotic and loved someone. Because, let’s face it, he’d be abusive.

Warnings: Abuse, and a sassy reader!

Words: I don’t know, something around 3200.

Shameless references if you can find ‘em!

“What do you mean he’s escaped?”

“He broke out of the asylum a few days ago. We have no idea where he might be, but we’re doing the best we can,” Jim Gordon told you over the phone.

“What am I supposed to do if he’s out in Gotham right now? Not only am I in the city, but if he finds me he’s going to kill me. He hates me.”

“Get to your house immediately. Lock your windows and doors. I’ll be over later to check on you, (Y/N). We’ll get him before he can hurt anybody,” He promised you.

A small part of you wished that he was right. It seems like that part of you took over instead of the majority that was saying there’s no way. “I’m going home now. I’ll call you if I see him anywhere, Jim.”

“Good. Don’t open the door for anyone, and I’ll call you when I get to the door. Other than that, stay safe.”

“I’ll try.”

You made it all the way to your house without seeing the ginger-haired freak, and you were glad. He’d torture you slowly and painfully if he caught you anywhere. You could be in the middle of a restaurant and he’d make sure everyone saw the pain in your eyes.

You shut and locked the door as soon as you walked into the hallway. You pulled the table that was nearby in front of the door so at least it would slow him down. Since it was winter, most of the locks on the windows were placed anyway. You double-checked them and closed the curtains.

Maybe you were slightly over-cautious as you made sure there was no technology on to hear him coming, and bringing a precision knife along with you in case you needed to make a quick escape. Maybe you weren’t being cautious enough.

It felt like only yesterday that you were best friends with Jerome, and in reality, it had been well over a year. It felt like it’s been over a year since Lila died, but it didn’t feel like a year since you lost your best friend.

“Jerome, I swear to God, if you throw one more dart at the balloons I’m making you pay for a full game,” You said, annoyed at the grinning 14-year old boy.

“Aw, come on (Y/N)! It’s all just for fun!” He exclaimed. He picked up the last dart and aimed for the balloon right above your head. He wanted to show off his accuracy and precision, but he also knew this would be 5 bucks out of his pocket that he just saved up in 3 weeks.

“Yeah, it’s fun for you. If Steve finds three popped balloons I’m going to be in a world of trouble from everyone. I’ll be cleaning up Lizzie’s crap for the next three months,” You groaned. Lizzie was Haly’s Circus’ prized elephant, and it was not fun to have to clean up after her every night.

“It’s better than working for Fiona. She may give you candy after every time you help her with something, but you aren’t done until she says it’s perfect.”

“Fiona is trying to teach you how to perfectly set up the trapeze area so that no one falls and dies. If you kill a Grayson you’ll have that whole family teaming up to slaughter you.”

“It’s better than having to work with my mother at least,” Jerome grumbled as he walked off to sit on the rocks near a river. You followed him without even thinking about it. That was the best part of your friendship. Even if you did annoy each other, where one went, the other followed.

“You’re kidding, right? Lila is so easy to work with. You can set everything up in 10 minutes and when she comes over to yell at you about how everything is wrong, you throw Jimmy at her and you’re good for the day,” The two of you laughed. You knew Jerome well enough that you could joke to him about his mom and he’d go along with it. You were the only one he trusted enough.

Maybe one day that memory could be bittersweet, but for now, it only brought you pain. You trusted Jerome with your life, and he trusted you will all of his. You knew well enough that you wouldn’t be able to trust him after he killed his mom. That dark glint in his eyes whenever you mentioned Lila should have warned you about that.

Back then you thought Jerome was the sweet boy instead of Jeremiah. Jeremiah always seemed off, and it wasn’t always just because he was much smarter than the rest of you. His intentions always seemed pretty odd. The time you found out what Jeremiah was really like was when you were only 13 years old.

“Hey, Jerome! Where’s that brother of yours? I thought he’d be reading a book behind your trailer, but I didn’t see him anywhere. Haly needs his amazing math skills,” You asked Jerome as you walked up to him. He was feeding one of the lions at the time. As soon as he looked up at you, you could see the pain and darkness. You had no idea what happened yet.

Lila walked up to you before you could say anything else. “(Y/N), I don’t want you talking to my son anymore. See, we had to send Jeremiah away because we wanted to give him a better life,” She stated as she led you away from Jerome.

“Why? Why didn’t you send Jerome away instead? He’s better than Jeremiah. Jeremiah was all book smarts, Jerome has a little bit of everything.”

“That’s the problem, sweetie. Jeremiah came to my room a few days ago crying. Jerome was holding a steak knife to his throat when he woke up. I can’t let Jerome kill his brother, and I don’t want him to be able to hurt you as well. If he can kill his brother, he could kill anyone.”

“So that’s why you held Jerome back,” She nodded her head before you could finish, “Because he reminds you of you.”

“Excuse me?!” Her face contorted in anger.

“All you’ve been doing since they were born was kill them slowly. All the beatings they took, the mental abuse, and having to hear you getting it freaky with a clown every night. Or was it an acrobat last week? I can’t remember, but then again, I’m sure you can’t either.”

“You bitch!” She slapped you so hard and quickly that you feared you might have whiplash.

Jerome watched it all go down from afar. He couldn’t hear anything either one of them said, but as soon as he saw his mother place a hand on (Y/N) he knew he had to step in.

That following night involved Jerome sleeping over in your trailer as he tried helping you with the red handprint on your cheek. He made sure you were alright and still stayed with you the entire night to comfort you. If anyone knew the damage she could cause with a single slap, it was him.

Time seemed to pass by fairly quickly considering the situation. You were surprised that it was. If only it would go by just a little bit faster though. You guess it was from the memories you recalled with Jerome that made time fly.

You checked the windows and locks on the doors again, worried he might have slipped in at some point while you were dazed. You knew he couldn’t though, he would have made it known he was inside the house as soon as he stepped foot in it.

How you wished you’d be able to recall childhood memories as something that was fun, you wished you could look back into your past with nostalgia like normal, people. Unfortunately, you knew just how far from normality you were.

“Today is the day I kill that whore,” Jerome stormed into your trailer and flopped onto the couch. Since you were 18, you were able to save up money for a trailer of your own and you would let Jerome in whenever he needed to get away from his mom. Sometimes he would stay for the whole night, other times it would only be for a few hours.

“You don’t really mean that, Jerome. You’re just tired of her. Soon enough we’ll have enough money to take off and go somewhere else. As soon as the show’s over tonight, we can find a place in Gotham to stay at,” You assured Jerome. You sat next to him and placed your hand overtop his. He quickly pulled his hand back and moved to start pacing in front of you.

“No, not this time. I’m going to make sure she feels the pain that I’ve felt for years before she finally croaks,” He started laughing darkly. You were almost afraid of him.

“She’s not worth it. Don’t waste your time on a woman like that, just stay here for the rest of the night if you have to and we’ll leave,” You tried convincing him. Knowing him, if he said he wanted to do something, he’d do it in a heartbeat. He didn’t just bluff.

“She hurt me more than I could ever hurt her. She should get to feel what fear is like, what it’s like to limp out of the trailer with blood gushing out of your head. She hurt me, she hurt you, and I’ve had it. She’s going to die,” He said before running out of your trailer in search of whatever he needed to kill her.

You ran out and tried to follow him, but he was too fast. Who knows what he was up to now. You didn’t know if you’d protect him or not if he actually committed the crime. All you knew was that he was gone, and you had no idea when or if he’d be back.

The slightest noise of wind knocking down a branch made you jump out of your memory. It was almost completely silent in your home, which you loved most of the time. Right now, you almost wanted to hear the sound of another person talking, as long as it wasn’t him.

“Jerome, don’t tell me you really did it,” You said as soon as you saw him walk into your trailer. He had a bright grin on his face, and his eyes lit up like diamonds. You would never suspect him of killing anyone.

“I did! I’m free from her, for the first time in 18 years,” He said, relieved.

Your heart wrenched as you heard him admit it. Hearing Jerome admit that he killed his mother made it true, the reality. Your face must’ve paled considerably as Jerome’s expression turned from happy to concerned. “(Y/N)? What’s wrong?”

“You killed Lila?” You barely choked out.

“Yeah! Don’t you see it? We can go wherever we want now, with no one around to stop us! We can have a life!” Jerome continued to exclaim in happiness, not even realizing that he was backing you into a corner.

You noticed this, however, and your eyes widened in fear. You quickly looked around for anything that you could grab and use if he laid a hand on you. “Jerome, that’s great,” You smiled, trying to fake the happiness.

"I know! Tonight, after the show, we'll get out of here while the circus leaves. We can go and have a life in Gotham like you wanted."

"Yeah, absolutely. But, Jerome, you might want to go pack a few things, right? So we can leave right after the show."

"I'll go now, I promise you this'll be a great start for us," He kissed your cheek before he walked out of the trailer.

The phone started ringing and you answered it immediately. You expected Jim to be on the other end, but you were in for a rude awakening. "Hello?"

"(Y/N)!" Jerome greeted you. Your blood ran cold as you heard his voice. You could see him now, a grin on his face, the phone held up against his ear, his blue eyes staring right into your (e/c) orbs. Even when he was nowhere in sight, your brain could produce his image in a second. It could add the blood and psychotic glint in his eyes even faster than that.

"Jerome," You said his name, barely above a whisper. The strength you built up as you were coming home was instantly drained at the sound of his voice.

"How've you been? Oh, nevermind that, I'll find out when I come to see you. Y'see, when I was stuck in that place full of lunatics, I have no idea why they sent me there," He cut off into a small fit of laughter, "All I could think about was you. The way you look, the way you walk, the way you talk, I could write a song! I should write a song," You knew Jerome well enough that sometimes he'd get distracted by another thought that flew through his head.

"What do you want, Jerome?"

"Oh, I thought I made that clear. I want you dead," Jerome said with venom laced in his voice, "I'll see you soon! Bye-bye!" He ended the call with a chirpy attitude as if what he said before didn't exist.

You quickly called up Jim right after to tell him what happened. "He called you?" Jim asked as soon as you finished the story.

"Yes, and I still don't see the point of it unless," Just as you figured it out, Jim spoke up.

"(Y/N), turn your phone off now, he must've used the call to track you. I'll be there soon," He ended the call abruptly. Following his orders, you quickly turned the device off. A part of you wanted to destroy it for extra measure. Even though he may have your location now, this may slow him down.

You got the knife ready, tucked into your pocket, reassuring you that you aren't completely defenseless here. It could be ten minutes or an hour until either Jerome or Jim shows up. You hoped it was Jim first.

"Detective Gordon, is there any chance we can get out soon? We've been waiting here all night," You asked when you spotted Jim walking across the precinct. For the past 3 hours, you've been stuck in GCPD as they took statements from everyone on Lila's death.

"I want to go over your statement one more time actually, and then you'll be free to go," He smiled slightly. You nodded and followed him to the interrogation room.

You sat down in the chair furthest away from the door and waited until Gordon and Bullock walked in. "Your name?"

"(Y/F/N)."

"Date of birth?"

As you continued to rattle off everything about your identity, you played with the end of your sleeve. Staying in here much longer was going to make you snap. You wanted to tell them that you know it was Jerome who did it, but he was so far around the bend that you knew he'd find you and kill you.

"Where were you tonight?"

"I was helping out in the show. I work mainly with the lighting and making sure no one screws up," You tried telling a joke to ease the mood. Gordon gave a small smile before writing the information down.

"You're friends with Lila Valeska's son, Jerome, right?"

"Yes, sir. We were once dating, but it's gotten complicated. I'm not sure you could say we're dating anymore."

"I'm sorry to hear that. He seems to talk about you a lot. Something going on there?" You knew he was fishing for the information. He must've had reason to believe Jerome was Lila's murderer. You took the bait. Either you tell them Jerome did it and have him locked away where he hates you or be stuck with him for an indefinite amount of time. You knew what to do.

"He did things I would never approve of, and he knows it. I was getting tired of it."

"Any illegal things?"

"Yes."

"What kinds of things would he do?"

You hesitated, fearing what you were about to say would decide your fate. In a way, it did. Bullock, intrigued, leaned against the table, ready to hear what he was anticipating. "Jerome walked into my trailer this afternoon, saying he was going to kill Lila. All his life he's been beaten by her. She's a drunk, and she'd beat him until she needed to go sleep with someone or get another bottle of vodka. I always felt bad for him, and I comforted him. Today though, something snapped in him. He left after telling me he'd kill her, and I'd have to guess he followed through it."

Just as you were about to walk upstairs, you heard a banging on the door. It wasn't like Jim's banging though. Jim's was much harder than that, and you knew who exactly it was because of it. "GCPD," Jerome sang giddily.

You ran up the stairs as silently as possible and found a closet. You swung in and shut the door, hiding behind a couple boxes off to the side. You couldn't see the door, and you knew you wouldn't be able to tell anyone was there unless you moved it. You could hear the front door as it swung open, hitting the wall. You jumped at the sound.

"Honey, I'm home!" He yelled out. "Where are you, (Y/N)? I know you're around here somewhere."

You heard him tearing through the downstairs rooms with a loud stomp. Every once in a while, a gunshot could be heard, obviously trying to make you yelp in terror. "You know, I could almost forgive you for ratting me out at the police department. Eh, maybe not," Another gunshot was heard.

"The worst part was watching the TV, saying you once loved me. Notice the past tense! You even mentioned once that I was a monster," He said in a dramatic gasp. "Now, I think we should just end this little lover's quarrel of ours."

You heard him making his way up the stairs. "See, I've seen how it is with you. You think, 'poor Jerome, maybe if I keep him busy I can use him just like his dear mommy did.' Well, that's not how it's going to end up. I can't tell if you should die like my whore of a mother did or show you that there's no shame in being crazy like me. Y'know, I think it could really work out between us if you see it the way I see it. I mean, look at how I turned out! I'm great! We could be the king and queen of Gotham, you and I. You just have to show me where you're at."

Bang! You could hear the door open. Memories of sharing cotton candy with Jerome flashed in your eyes.

Bang! This time you saw the nights where you had to comfort a crying 8-year-old boy who you barely knew even if you did work together a lot.

Bang! Playing pranks on the Flying Graysons.

Bang! Counting how many fish there were in the pond.

Bang! You saw the light shine through the boxes. A dark figure loomed over you. You heard the shuffling of boxes on one side, and then you saw the ones in front of you move back. You looked up to see a man with ginger hair, bright blue eyes and brandishing a wide and psychotic grin.

"Hi, gorgeous."

#jerome valeska #jerome #jerome valeska x reader #x reader #insert #fanfiction #one shot #fanfic #gotham #show #jim gordon #harvey bullock #flying graysons #jeremiah valeska #jeremiah #lila #barbara kean #maniax #shameless

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monstersofsilence · 4 years

Text

Alignment

Vereda. So much is still unknown about her. So many stories and rumors about her. Even odd how she just came up out of nowhere and then was acted like she was here all along. It eluded to her as a whole even more considering her rank is not mentioned or where she was transferred from. So much mystery for one troll. Nonetheless, it’s even more of a mystery for Kalikn after finding out some history between her and a group she used to be a part of before hand.

More questions than answers but they can tell that her seeing them again must’ve hit a nerve. She’s not happy. It became more apparent as days went on and word got spread around about it throughout the base. Many people stay quiet when she passes by, as if she’s radiating pure anger which it feels like it. Even Kalikn feels uneasy when they are near her.

Kalikn tries not to think on it too much. Even more so today with squadrons doing patrols along the perimeter of the base to ensure another attack can be prevented. Three of their squad mates were a bit behind while Kalikn and Vereda were together. The tension is a bit nerve racking considering the two have to work together and with her like this, it’s hard to even to do that.

Looking around, Kalikn glanced at Vereda every now and then to see how she is doing. Usually it’s easy for them to read people’s expressions and body movements but with Vereda is almost like a door that’s difficult to unlock. They have go through multiple steps to just unlock one door with a complicated lock. They know how she’s feeling but they don’t know how to even approach her. At this point, they need to be sure that their partner is okay and in the right place. “Vereda...-”

“Don’t, Lt. Dimeve.” She quickly interrupted.

“Vereda, just... listen. I know nothing I say will get you to fully pay attention or whatever. To this day, I still don’t know why you became my partner but I treat you as a fellow soldier and I look out for everyone. You can listen. Or you can ignore. At this point in my life, I don’t care.” Kalikn paused for a moment, the silence was heavy as the two didn’t talk until they continued. “You may not care but I do. I may not understand what might going on in your head, that’s not my business, but I just want to be sure that you are okay mentally, making sure that you are thinking straight. Having things bottled up inside could get you killed in the heat of battle... and I don’t want to lose anymore comrades... no matter if everyone thinks of me different or whatever, it won’t stop me trying to be sure that they make it out of those battles safe and sound... that’s all.”

Kalikn looked over at Vereda but couldn’t see her face to get an idea of what she’s expressing if she was listening at all. For now, they think it’s better to just leave it at that. They don’t want to pry too much into the topic to make her even more angry. They quickly looked away until they hear an explosion from afar as they quickly turned their head to the direction, seeing a plume of smoke and hearing gunfire. “Lieutenant Dimeve!” Commander Julton yelled out in the distance. “Where did that came from?”

“Over there, at the east perimeter!” Kalikn frantically yelled back and pointed at the direction. Already, all comms became flooded with chatter of the east perimeter being breached.

“Alright! VECTOR squad, we all head over to the east perimeter!” Commander Julton ordered. He then activated his ear piece. “All remaining squadrons in each perimeter, guard them to be sure there are no other attacks. Command, send reinforcements to the east perimeter!”

With that, Kalikn and their squad headed to the east perimeter to provide assistance. By the time they got there, it haulted to a stalemate with either side waiting for the other to make the next move. All troll forces hid under a large hill. Anyone bold enough to climb up to the hill top would more than likely get picked off. “Shit... so what now?” Kalikn said, realizing the situation they’re in.

“Maybe you should stop worrying and instead do something useful.” A voice said as Kalikn turned to see a troll they never seen before including some others in odd attire. And one of them being Specter who just casually leaned out to wave at their direction. “Seriously... always have to clean up your guys’ bullshit.” He pulled out a rifle and they all climbed up the hill.

Kalikn couldn’t believe their eyes that they would be bold enough to fight, what could be, an army out there. “Is... is this really happening?!” Kalikn said out loud.

“Eh. Fine by me.” Heliox added. “Might wipe off that pretty face of his. And the rest of his clowns. Let em die.”

“Oh! Hohohohohoho! You really think we would die?” For once, Kalikn forgot Specter existed for a minute until she said something and for some reason stayed behind. “God damn you guys must not have much faith us!” She merely giggled like a psycho as she pulled out a sniper rifle but nothing Kalikn has ever seen. “All of you just watch and learn. If I see any one of ya fire a single shot, I’m gonna strangle you in your sleep!” Specter yelled and cackled as she climbed up the hill to take position.

As the squad of trolls made it up to the hilltop, they were immediately shot at and they all evaded and charged in. Normally this was something Kalikn and their squad would do but usually with others backing them up. This was suicidal. Everyone climbed up as they all watch, hearing the sounds of gun fire, including the one from Specters which was the loudest that Kalikn has ever heard from any rifle. Even a .50 caliber rifle is loudest at best but whatever she is using, sounded like it gives a huge kick and it shows as they watched her from time-to-time. Her huge grin as she eyes down into the scope, firing shot after shot and making callouts to her squad mates over the radio.

It started becoming more apparent that these are more trained but even shows that they seem more untroll-like when they started showing off some unnatural abilities that Kalikn couldn’t make sense of. It actually terrified him seeing them in action. They were like they came from a different planet. They were killing these species without mercy and it seems like the aliens of this planet wanted to surrender but they kept killing them without mercy. Specter finally ran out of ammo, putting away her rifle as she pulled out some daggers cackling like a psycho as she disappeared into a black mist and appeared right on the battlefield. Her maniacal laughter was heard from afar but it was enough for Kalikn to wanting this to end. “This has to stop...” They said. “Someone order them to stop! The rebels have already pleaded to surrender! They’re just killing them!”

No one said a word. It seems everyone were afraid to say anything after what they’re seeing right now. Even more so with Vereda who seems to look on in anger. Kalikn felt hopeless in this situation as they turned to look on to seeing many of the rebels die mercilessly by those “monsters.” “They’re not trolls... they’re more like monsters...”

“They are, Lieutenant. But beyond your comprehension.” A voice said. Kalikn turned their head to seeing Mnacro once more as the sea dweller looks off to seeing the mayhem taking place. “They are special and it seems this demonstration of their skill level is good enough to send them off to wipe out the rest of these species.”

“What?!” Kalikn honestly couldn’t believe what they were hearing. “You can’t be serious?! We came to this planet to negotiate a trade of resources! Not wipe out an entire planet!”

“And we didn’t succeed in that therefore the species of this planet are a threat to us and must be taken care of in order to gain the resources we rightly deserve.”

“That’s insane! There’s innocent people! Many of them don’t wish to fight us! You are willing to wipe out an entire alien race just for their planet’s resource?!”

“If they are in the way, no matter if it’s a man, woman, or child, we will do what we can to take what we need, to expand our own across the galaxy. What side are you on, Kalikn Dimeve? Hmm? Aren’t you supposed to be a shock trooper that pushes through enemy lines for the rest of us? And, the last time I remembered, shock troopers are willing to sacrifice their own life if it means for others to survive.”

“Not when it’s injustice like this to murder an entire planet’s species when there’s innocent civilians involved!”

“So what? You now care for others? Others that are not like you? Not like us? Then go on. Go help them. But you will be considered a traitor, tried for treason and betrayal of all of Alternia and the Imperial Fleet. Or you can prove me wrong about you bloodless trolls.” The moment he mentioned that, it was enough to leave Kalikn speechless. There was not much they could do. “See? Not so hard to follow orders.” Mnacro said with a smile on his face. “How a black blood like you was able to make it this far, let alone being alive, is beyond me, but if you became a soldier, start acting like it. We are here not to negotiate. We are here to expand our species across the stars. Conquer all to become the greatest empire. And that there...” He pointed at the battle taking place. “ is a start. Once they wipe out these aliens we will be terraforming this planet as our own, meanwhile your squad will head back with me on Alternia. New orders will be arriving to you five once we head back home.” With that, the sea dweller walked off.

Kalikn collapsed to their rear on the hill, not wanting to hear the screams that is happening from the distance. Julton sat next to them, placing a hand on their shoulder as Kalikn turned to him. “I never said this was gonna be easy...”

“Yeah...” Kalikn replied. “I just... wish this was handled peacefully... not like this.”

“A lot of decisions we have no say in it. We just stick with the punches being dealt.”

It seems that everyone in Kalikn squads seem to share this sentiment and surprisingly Vereda as well as she merely gives a nod. Kalikn just lets out a sigh, wanting this day to be over.

#Kalikn Dimeve #ExpositionzOfSilence

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missdazednconfused · 5 years

Text

Realization

I feel that I haven’t been able to lay out what I’ve been thinking when it comes to my ex. My children’s father that is. I always thought about what he always told me when we were together.

The words, “I deserve a lot of karma for all the things I did. I’m waiting for it to all hit me one day.”

I always wondered what that all meant. I kind of want to ask him now. What did he mean by that? Did he do things to me that he never told me about? He told me about how he cheated on me with someone in the very beginning and it really pisses me off when I think about it. Honestly I should just forget about it and not even think about it. Just let it go to move on because those things don’t matter to me anymore. It’s all bullshit honestly.

It just matters to me because I want to know everything he did to me. He said it so much to me that he must’ve done more than what I know about. It makes me so angry still. Considering his mother is still catering him to his needs thinking she’s helping him when it’s just her looking like a clown. I’m sorry but that’s all I see. My children’s father is making her look like a clown just like he made me look when I would bitch and bitch my brains out about how shitty he made me feel about myself. Again, I wasn’t perfect in this either but still...He made it seem as if it was absolutely okay to be treating each other okay like that. Mostly my parents had me believe to act the way I did was okay. It is not. They were being children.

We must grow to be the bigger person. Refusing to work on yourself and not wanting to be better for your significant other or your family is wrong in my opinion. All I asked was some respect, honesty, and him to go to school for a skill while I worked.. It was all a no. He always made me feel like total shit when I didn’t do sexual favors for him. He never made me feel like he deserved them. He didn’t do anything to get it. I did it because he would bitch up a storm asking for it. So I did it. Almost every fucking day. And now I’ll read on groups how fucked up it is for a man to manipulate you for sexual favors when they don’t even do anything for it. They treat you like shit and expect you to do something for it. It just wasn’t okay. It makes me feel better seeing that type of stuff because he made me feel so crazy thinking that I wasn’t doing that relationship with him right.

He truly manipulated me so well. My father had me completely believe the marriage he has with my mother is how it’s to go. It’s not. You treat the one you love with respect and do not belittle them every single day. You do not call them names every single day and mean it. You’re not to be the reason your significant other is afraid of you. You’re not to tell your significant other, “No one will ever put up with you or love you as much as I do. You will never find anyone better than me.”

And now I’m like, “Oh yeah? Let’s find out, shall we?” Even if I can’t find someone else who I want or they want to be with me. I’d rather do it alone than be with some lame ass scum bag that treats me like shit and belittles me. I hope that’s not the case but so far. Right now it seems like I won’t be in something for some time. Necessarily isn’t a bad thing because I need to be alone. I’m still figuring myself out and what I need. Working through my insecurities the best way I can.

I’ve also discovered a lot of men in my age range are still figuring themselves out, too. The ones who were married are now getting divorced, they’re scared out of their minds, they’re lonely, they don’t know how to cope. All because we thought in our early twenties that we knew what the hell we wanted. Ha! What a damn joke. We don’t know what we want. That’s why we’re all living it up and fucking up now. Mid twenties and we’re going hard with what we should’ve been doing then rather than know. At least that’s how I feel. I feel like, I’m almost 30 & now I’m doing all the things I should’ve been doing when I was fresh out of high school. No, that isn’t entirely true. There’s a meme or a photo of two different flowers. Along the lines of saying, “Wow, you’re so beautiful. I wish I was as beautiful as you are.” The other says, “You’re still growing, we’re two different kinds of flowers. We grow differently.”

Then I’ve seen a picture of two different flowers. One is in full bloom and the other has their roots dug in deeper. It makes me feel better when I think back on how we’re all different types of people and we all grow in different flows, paces, ways. We don’t learn all the same and you just kind of experience through it. It’s just the only way, I guess.

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commonalex · 5 years

Text

Savory

-Where to, bud?

-Fill it up.

-Ready for a trip, ain't it so, Nico?

One quick "shut your hole before I fuck it" finds its way before my teeth but fortunately I remind myself that whatever I do I can never escape the gas pumper's son urge to chat even if it takes me stealing the pump from the tank to shove it up his dirty ass mouth.

-Just for a dive, you know. The beach here got filled with tourists and the sun will set when I get to the next shore.

-You're living the life, Nico boy, no joke. Not like us, working and melting away from the sun like pigs in the midst of September. Fuck that shit, man.

-Aha, I see.

Just before I go inside to bake myself in my good ol' Fiat and get lost far far from his gossip hungry mouth, I remember that I have to rely on his ass. It's the third day that no one in the town can use the phone and no one cares enough to ask why. I give him my frequency where I'll listen on the radio just to notify Sofia if anything crazy happens to me. Not entirely sure if he heard or understood even half of what I just said but pretty confident that he purposely delays me to keep his creaking voice running, soloing to the point of laying a curse at "these damn phones and their government plants to make them mo-bi-le" and asking extremely not subtly about what is already news all over town.

-You're shiting me! Congrats, Nico boy! Wish your wife good luck with all those diapers coming. Finally you're to start a family yourself!

I don't know if he forgot my Tito for real or it's just him being a clown and at this point I barely care. Everyone has him as a dumb fuck either way. In fact I'm only doing a favor to his father that I haven't talked to him the way I should or biting his hands with my closing door.

It's over five o' clock and the road to the shore is nicely empty. My Fiat has a hard time having the sun whipping its ass as its swinging above the sea to my right. I dug up a radio station I recently lost with some old songs drowned in noise that I can't blast in the car with Sofia and the kid because the give them the headaches and food for nagging. Notes traveling around my seat really give me space and loose my hands from straggling my steering wheel and I'm checking cool as hell the back seat from the mirror to make sure I didn't forget my swimsuit or my surely expired sunscreen. I can barely see it beneath this sea of junk and empty water bottles from our last trip as a family. I can't recall when that was exactly, but it can't be that long if the back seat is completely filled with sand from Tito's feet cause "slippers pinch his toes". I swear to God I'll be damned if I ever understand this kid.

It must've taken a minute or so to catch the song change on the radio. And what a song if the synths and the drum machine can kick my head back to my soggy seat to return to my old job at that furniture store I was back in the day, just in time for Sofia to call me and tell me the waters broke. The road's zig zags around the hills wave goodbye and I push the gas along the straight line in front of me. The tar got sprayed gold and it tinkles my eyes along with the turquoise waves racing me all the way; absolutely nothing like back then when I was locked by my stress and my blood was boiling from agony. The car couldn't fit me (brand new at the moment, not a scratch, such a beauty) until the house and then back into traffic, dragging myself closer to insanity by Sofia's moaning that keep on ringing to my ears to this day. Us two running in the heatwave till the emergency room, scared that Tito might join us in the back seat. There's still the scratch I caused by storming the hospital. There's still the memory of me cursing the religion out of me when I saw that later.

"Nico, take me back".

"What are you talking about? We are here".

"I'm scared, Nico, Let's go home. Please".

"No reason for it, we talked this out a thousand time. That's the finish line".

"I don't want to lose him. I won't bear this crap again".

"It's all good, Sofia. I promise".

Maybe I didn't use these exact words that day. I don't even remember if half of what I was saying were making any sense but I do remember me screaming my lungs out to innocent doctors and nurses while she was sitting comfortably in her pain with a look in her eyes designed to send nothing but shivers down my spine. I made it by stealing a kiss on her salty cheek as I was trying to keep up with her stretcher just so we go in together and get out us three together.

The radio host squeezes his hoarse and monotonous voice right in the end of the song to announce the song's title and singer but I'm all out of brain to pay attention. My fingers feel numb around the steering wheel and the rest of me stands sweat dripping in his place, staring at the dirt road boiling behind me. It always happens to me. I could have Sofia right beside me telling me the name of the song and my head would instantly erase it from existence because the picture of me and her holding Tito like a hot bread bun back in the house hangs above my eyelids. Her crying only from joy and me smiling nervously all the time. Holding Sofia on one hand and Tito on the other on our broke couch we still have in the living room. All of the uncertainty, all of the doubt if I could manage to balance all for a little man that fits in my palms driving me nuts in the cutest way then and in the most worrying right now.

The gas pumper's son doesn't respond to my test signals and I lose my turn for the next shore. No biggie, I say to myself, I'll do an 180 and everything will be fine. The road however had other plans, cause I can't find it anywhere anymore, the sand covered it pretty easily. No tar on sight, no nothing. I pull my baked skull outside and take a peek of all those fixed pink waves of sand stretching to everything the sun touches. I'm surprised that Ostia is somehow still on my mirror but I can't figure out where exactly I got my dumb self on the map and the good ol' Fiat has stepped in the sand for good. I set the thin line of sea on my right as compass and turn the key full of hope. I get a couple of meters deeper but the wheels are screeching, digging their graves. I officially can't go neither ahead nor back home; especially after all the shit I left back there because I decided to go swimming. Sofia's not going to stop at my insensitivity this time, especially right after she found out she is pregnant. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know what she seeks from me. I don't know if she gets my situation at the moment by asking me to be more "open" to her without her understanding that this is the way to get everybody hurt. Her, Tito, even the gas pumper's son with the audacity to sell pure ass water for petrol.

There's not a single thing on me not covered in sand as I melt my palms away by pushing the car. I get it out of the holes just to drop it to another ten meters ahead. I keep on pushing so desperately my knees get buried and I can hardly curse my luck for putting me right here, right now or letting my strength fade away from my body- in general. I lash out like a spoiled little fuck at the doors and get one of them opening wide open with empty water bottles falling defeated. Not a single drop of water in them at all and nothing of real value in all this junk of the back seat but a backpack with boxers, t-shirts and shorts of all kinds. All bad, all old fashioned and all mine. I never was this farsighted or this lucky all my life. Never.

I set my self free from my shirt and pants and throw them back to dry whilst I try one of those old ass tees that fits like a glove if I stop breathing for the rest of the day. I look down to see if I put it the wrong way but it was ok, just not the right t-shirt cause it's the one with the blue stripes.

I spent all morning eating my nails, watching the clock ticking. I couldn't wait and wished for something to happen to call this off. I called the shop to play it sick just so I could breathe in and breathe out my excitement without any distractions. I was looking at myself in the bathroom's mirror and practicing the "speech" I had written. I was getting mad, I was improvising and I was giving up all day without any hope. The sun dropped and Sofia came in late (and gorgeous) as always and kissed me besides the place where taxi drivers where fishing gullible tourists and judging the ugly blue stripped tee I chose to wear to play it like it was a date just like any other. Of course she got it figured out on her own and she tolerated me and this monstrosity until we hopped off the tram and sat on the worst set of pebbles we could possible sit, right before I interrupt her history of her fight with her mother to dig up the ring from the sand.

"Are you kidding? Because these stuff are quite laughing matter, you know".

"I know".

"Is it fake? The truth, Nico".

"Put it on and tell me".

"This better not be another unfunny crap from cause if it is, I'm telling you, I'm gone".

She did put it on, she did tell it was real and she did left with me to her place. I still remember her laugh every time the ring was slipping from her fingers. I still remember rivers of sweat washing me the next morning next to her as we were looking at the building outside glowing from the sunset. She was asking me if we could make it. I was cooling her down and telling her I would do my best for her, for us. That I would do what I had to do to not get stuck like our parents did. We would not spent all of our lives in an office but instead we would casually catch a ship or a plane and travel the world. She smirked all the way through and responded to me with "whenever it is, as long as a fan is hitting us" because the weather was just like now. Ten years ago, give or take.

Radio catches nothing but noise for a while now. I'm pressing the mic to call the gas pumper's son but still nothing on the other end. I should have known better than counting on a dumbass like him because I only hurt myself and I ultimately give up on trying to communicate to light a cig.

My head got so numb from all the thoughts running inside I can't enjoy the sun dropping behind me. All I needed right now was a dip, just to get away for a moment or two and figuring out the rest but I guess I had to have everything turn to shit. I'm searching the exact point where I actually fucked up everything but the sun touching the horizon made me realize I torture my mind in vain. Whatever got me where I am right now doesn't matter. I could try to find the words to express how I feel to Sofia, Tito or the baby and fail miserably each time because all they really need to hear from me is that "all will be fine". But that's not really the point. The point is that I sit in a fucking wreck of a car with half a packet of cigarettes and all of my stuff in the trunk, disconnected from everyone and everything, without any inconvenience whatsoever. Like things rolled out as I wanted them. Like I should follow this route from the start. Like I should never really reach the shore.

I was still a kid when father came with his "new" car, a stretched out Lada with the color of green vomit which in my eyes it always looked like a bin. My father had a really creepy love with that car to the point where he was telling me to not put the seatbelt on because I would "stretch" it. His obsession made me almost envy this awful bin, feeling joy when it was failing to start half the times. My father knew that and made me help him every single time, made me listen his cute words for this piece of junk that "tries to live, that poor thing" and the rest of his vocabulary which was limited to my ability to "hold the flashlight like a fag". However, his biggest hit should be the one where he was telling me again and again that "I'll only understand him when I get older but it will be too late".

The record continued to skip in my teens. It never became understandable as it became tedious and cliché. There was no meaning behind these words, they all came out like thick air from his mouth but still they made me feel like a piece of shit. Mom saw my relationship with him wearing off everytime we were fighting and she always would try to convince me to "take a step back", to "become a normal family again" and I'd always respond with something vague when I should lash out on her for taking the side of a grumpy old fuck instead of her son.

I reached a point where I was waiting for a cause to open my mouth against his ass but every time my mother prevented me right at the last second; except that noon of a September when her hand could never reach to pull my sleeve. She was in the kitchen preparing the fish for the ban and I was returning home filled to the top with happiness because after a summer buried in books and studying I finally passed my exams for the uni. I found my father, like every afternoon, bent over a bucket cleaning a rag he used for the car only in the yard. I was watching him from the porch with my palm hiding my sardonic laughter I had all morning. I was waiting him to screech with his almost girly voice to "pick up my legs and help, cause all I do is eat, shit, sleep", just to hit him with the news that I was going to be a radio operator.

"And? What do you want now? You want me to pay you just so you can play it sailor? Leave me the fuck alone".

I'd be lying if I said I know what he really said to me, but the truth is that I felt an accomplishment inside whatever he may screamed. What I was looking for was server exactly in front of me and I started shouting, he began to shake his hands up and down like he prepared to fly and my mother kept on throwing fish in the sizzling pan.

"Is it that difficult for you? It's not like you don't want to get rid of me at all times and shit, right?".

"Get the fuck inside and stay there. You came with a smirk like you won the lottery and now you dare to talk shit. But how can you understand about money and all that? You can't. Never could, never will, but don't you worry, you'll only understand me wh-".

"Ok, ok, when I get older and all that nonsense. You keep busting nuts all these year saying that, you never got bored of that?".

The last one must have hit him hard enough to bring him back, like really back. As if he was younger again and strong enough to hit a nineteen year old in the face easily. A nineteen year old that waited half his life to return the favor.

But I did not. The sick joy I was feeling before dissolved when I grasped his left arm from the elbow. I stared at the wrinkled skin in his palm with the spots and veins that looked like mountains on it. I had his pulse on my fingertips echoing quick but pathetic. I turned to look at him and I no longer saw an antisocial and absurd grumpy fuck that was struggling in every way to show his little value. I saw a fallen, perhaps emotionally wounded man without enough consciousness to prevent him from situations like this one where he stands helpless and pitiful in front of his own child.

I had no more anger in me. I only felt bad for the years of my life I lost taking this person seriously simply because it happened to be my father. That's why I left his hand and let him sink in his confusion, trying to find words that would provoke me. From what he said, I only kept the " I swear to God I'll be damned if I ever understand this kid" as I was packing up my stuff in two bags to catch a train that was already gone. Last time, I saw him in the car dragging clothes and shavers from the semi-open trunk of his car, while my mom was on the porch trying not to drown in her own tears. The house was reeking burnt fish when I lying my mom in bed, giving her a hug and a promise that I would never be like him.

It's been a long time since then, but not enough to stop thinking about it, it seems. I do not know whether or not I eventually kept my promise and at this point I really don't care. What's really important now is the way the wave is tinkling my legs and how the breeze makes my lungs bloom. That's why I let the water drift me deeper as I close my eyes and nose. I dive.

"Come on, Nico boy, do you copy? Where are you all day? Do you have this shit open or not? Your wife's here with the little one, come get them ".

"Nico, please, if you hear this come back, we're worried. We will do whatever we can. Whatever you need. Together".

"Dad; Dad are you there? Please respond, I miss you. "

#poetryriot #24hoursopen #abstractcommunity #poetryportal #writerscreed #twcpoetry #savage-words #illustrans #recognizingthevoiceless #bitsofstarglow #electricexhibition #story #prose #writing #prose poetry #poetry #poem #dialogue #poets on tumblr

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thinkingaboutsanfrancisco · 4 years

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“Whoa, whoa, whoa…”

S cuts through this awful tune like a gust of air, but unfortunately, it’s only incendiary to my infernal state when I notice the seemingly officious little motion he’s doing with his hand; all five of his fingers firmly splaying out to stop me now, after he permitted me to down this fucking poison, and I swear to fucking God...this isn’t happening again. I let it slide on Sunday because I couldn’t get a word in edgewise to correct him of it then, but I’m not about to allow him to call me a greedy bitch for taking up something that he offered, especially when I’m still fucking burning from it.

“What? You said I could have one!” I snap, hoping that my words can come out before I actually spew. They do, but getting riled up and spitting them out with such force only irritates my lingering urge to cough that I’ve been trying to suppress.

Oh shit. Please don’t let me start throwing up. Please, please, please...

Fortunately, I’m able to extinguish the hacking quick enough to hear him quell my flare of anger when he stands by his offer, yet his admirable virtue can’t erase the disappointment at myself that his joking reminder’s agitated and my face collapses into my palm. Yeah, I know, S. I shouldn’t have gone so hard. It is only 10 and now I’ve fucked up myself so bad that I might be out of commission for the rest of the night. I can’t exactly sell in the bathroom if I’m too busy retching my fucking brains out in there.

So much for good luck.

If I weren’t so sick, I’d probably chuckle at that...or when S tells me that I’ll hurt myself by throwing myself back like that as if that’s hypothetical at this point, before he ups the comedic ante by asking me if I “accidentally” breathed in the smell ‘cause c’mon man...no shit. Did you not see my fingers pinching my nose? How could you miss the prime beacon of my amateurism? I think I signaled to everyone in this place that I’ve never drunk before by doing that and the shit was so strong that it barely helped.

“Yeah, and it was fucking awful. Why?” I ask, finally removing my hand from my face to reveal my faint smile as I wait for him to go ahead and break into another warranted laugh at my stupidity. Seriously man, it’s alright. I looked like a fucking clown...

Two shots in have his loose grin permanently plastered on him, but my answer’s perturbed him to take on a foreign stone-cold serious tone that I don’t understand until he explains that it was dangerous for me to have done that since I could’ve actually choked on the fumes. That should unnerve me too, and it does a little, but I mostly find it relieving that the perception of their potency isn’t driven by my own inexperienced sensitivities; it’s not just me, they are that fucking strong.

“Have you eaten today?” He randomly asks, jarringly dipping deeper into that level of concern.

Okay, dad.

What kind of question is that? Of course I have…

“Yeah, I had a Hot Pocket for dinner about two hours ago and a Snickers a few hours before that…”

— “That’s all you ate the whole day?”

Well...technically no; I grabbed a Mountain Dew and a small bag of Doritos from the vending machine around noon for lunch and ate as much as I could stomach of my microwavable sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich for breakfast too, though that was all the way back at 5 this morning and far from relevant to his question since it wore off at some point. The pepperoni Hot Pocket was just the most recent meal that’s sustaining me, even though I didn’t finish it.

Not like S needs to know.

It was more than sufficient though. Chewing’s become such a dull chore to me lately that, outside of the Snickers that tasted incredible, frankly, I would’ve been fine without eating any of it if I didn’t have to. All of it’s nauseated me anyway, but I hate the crash that catches up with me when I haven’t, so I at least try. It sucks sometimes, but whatever. I’m used to it.

To him, however, this is apparently enough of a dire situation to garner him to have me remind him to take me out to eat again which...is a nice gesture, even if it feels somewhat counter-intuitive. The smells of food frying and variety of sounds can sometimes get to me but talking and listening usually distracts me from that and the food is better at restaurants too, so I’m not opposed to getting treated again. Shit, that sandwich I got from when we went to Tommy’s on Sunday was rough for the first meal of the day, but it was probably the best thing I’ve had all week. I never told him that, though. I never told him anything outside of what I just ate, yet he’s somehow convinced himself my ‘Hot Pocket diet’ is something to be concerned over when it’s really not.

I still ate, didn’t I?

I sigh, the defense readily on the tip of my tongue in case he presses me further on it, but I thankfully don’t have to. He acknowledges that it is at least something and finally gets to the point of why he brought it up: to never drink on an empty stomach.

Ohh...

Well, it’s not as if I was exactly planning on drinking tonight, but the warning makes sense. So much so that, like when he explained about the fumes, the knowledge makes me feel better instead of worse. It wasn’t random intrusion into the details of my daily life, it was the second most obvious conclusion as to why I was undeniably about to throw up all over this bar and, at this point, I’m so grateful that I haven’t thrown up yet that it’s humbled me into not caring about how embarrassing I must’ve been for him to watch.

He’s far past that anyway.

He remains sober enough to know too that I can’t be acting so impulsively foolish if I want to fulfill our purpose here, but he clearly cares more to invest the time to correct me than cheaply condemn me condescendingly for not being able to handle my liquor and...it’s weird. Not in a bad way, but I don’t think he’s spared me this much direct earnest guidance before. He’s consumed in this lesson, consumed in wanting me to do this right for my own safety, that he’s got his third shot already in his hand while he explains in detail what I should do if I ever want to take shots again: “So, you see as I’m talking to you, I’m holding it away from my face so that I don’t accidentally get a whiff of the near-toxic fumes. This is important to remember. Now, I’m gonna tilt my head back slightly — not all the way, just a little, then I’m gonna breathe in, take the shot, breathe out. I’m not gonna let it sit in my mouth too long, and I’m gonna relax my throat and take it in one big but smooth gulp…”

I don’t exactly want to keep going, but I also don’t want the only time I’ve done it to have been improperly either. They’re working for him so far and this one is no exception, so maybe they can for me too if I straighten myself up and follow his instructions.

“Alright, but don’t forget your own advice. That’s your third one in as equally many minutes. It’s only 10, remember?” I chuckle as I pick up another one, this time keeping a distance while I toast, “The first one was a trial run, so let me set my record straight and try again. For good luck, even if that only means that I don’t get as sick.”

Closing my eyes, I inhale, tilt my head back, bring the rim closer and gulp the tequila down so I can exhale and…

“Shit,” I mutter as I set the empty glass down next to the other one, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand before I glance over and give his expectant gaze the conclusion we both hoped for, “Okay, that was...better. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like it by any stretch, but uh...that’s ultimately more of my own alcohol bias than anything against tequila specifically. I guess it’s not exactly a secret anymore, and probably never was since I ordered a fucking Coke in a bar, but I don’t drink — well, I hadn’t, anyway — so I wasn’t aware that there was a proper method of execution that eliminates the godawful smells and it really helped me there. I wish I’d known it before I knocked myself on my ass with that first shot ‘cause fuck...I’m still nauseated from it, but hey, you taught me and now I know how so...thanks for that, man. I appreciate it.”

#/feelinsickly #the bros #featuring j's ufe and the first time he's rambled just to ramble in....legit years #maybe ever #04172015

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years

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22. Dark Necessities

Happy New Year to you all! I hope you had a nice New Years Eve! The story of Eileen & Josh continues. I hope you like the new chapter. Feel free to give feedback :) Have a nice weekend! ____________

Back in Berlin. It was already two weeks ago that Josh and I spent New Years Eve at Flea’s house in Malibu. It was a great evening, a great night. I think I never felt happier before on New Years Eve. I was happy that Josh and I discussed everything. The last days we spent together walking along the beach, walking through Venice, watching people passing by while sitting at a café. We cooked or just spent some time in the sun. For four more days we were this cheesy couple I never wanted to be but was still a bit jealous of. Finally the day had come when I had to fly back to my current hometown. Josh brought me to the airport and we needed some time to finally say goodbye to each other. Yes it was hard but we could do it – I knew it. We had four more weeks until the Superbowl. Afterwards another four weeks until I would come back to L.A. We promised to write and skype on a regular basis. At least it could work out until Josh would start touring in February. I counted the days until we would meet again for a longer time in the end of February.

Berlin welcomed me back with a cold and snowy winter. Everything was full of snow and although I loved snow I hated it at the same time because I had to wait for the subway or tram very often. Pure hate.

Josh and I kept our promise to skype. While he had some free time until he would hit the road again in a few weeks I was very busy with working. My boss gave me many tasks to finish until I would leave. So I had to hurry up to finish the project I started one year ago. So most of the time it was me calling him in the night. The different time zone didn’t play into our hands. “You look very tired” Josh said while I was sitting on my bed, the laptop on my lap. “I am very tired. It’s 1am” “We don’t have to skype if you’re tired and want to have some sleep” he let me know – in the sweetest voice he had. “No Josh….I want to talk to you, you know? I want to see you and just want to spend some time with you” “Well actually you spend some time with your laptop” he joked. “At least this is what is on your lap. Not me” “Haha, very funny. Did you have a clown for breakfast?” “No…I had some pancakes” “Lucky you, I only had a toast” “In two weeks we will enjoy the best breakfast you’ve ever seen in New York!” “Really? Oh well, I hope I won’t fall asleep because of my jet lag” “I will stop you from doing so” he laughed. “Come on Eileen, no one is falling asleep when there are pancakes waiting to be eaten” “You’re right”

We joked a bit and Josh told me about his week. He went to a Lakers game with Flea, helped his father in the garden and met some old friends. Wow I wished I would’ve been with him - in sunny California instead of cold Berlin. “Sounds like real fun” “It was, but, you know….” he stopped as if he had to think about his next sentence. “I really missed you” “I missed you too.” Silence.

“Why is growing up so hard? I mean 10 years ago the only thing I was worried about was which college I would attend” “Times are changing. Even Bob Dylan knew it before” Josh said in a wise voice. “He was so right….” “Oh ehm by the way, what about your job applications?” “Rejections” I said in a sad voice. “Really?” I nodded. “I’m so sorry for you….but Eileen, please, listen to me, you’ll find….” And then the connection broke. I saw a freezing picture of Josh in my laptop. Well this was a symbol for my current life I thought. But I had to shut up because I was so happy being with Josh that I should forget about the other problems in my life. But I couldn’t. “….you know?” he said. The connection was back again! “Sorry, I couldn’t hear you” I told him. He sighed, crossed his legs so I could see his ringed socks and kept talking. “I said you’ll find a job. No matter what, I’ll support you!” “Thank you. It’s like you’re the only person who understands my situation” “Why?” “I don’t know….Lara says I should stop worrying. My parents say I should write more job applications and look for jobs outside of L.A. My brother says I should chill and wait” “Hm, I know how you feel about it. You’re worried that you won’t find a job to start when you’re back in L.A. But Eileen….look, I know you don’t want to hear it but….it’s not that we don’t have money for a living” he said and he seemed to hope that I would get what he wanted to tell me. I sighed. “I know you don’t want to hear it….” he repeated. “Josh” I said and paused for a few seconds to think about how to tell him. “It’s cute that you offer me this opportunity but….you know, I want my own life, have a job for a living and don’t be dependent on somebody. Please, don’t get me wrong but….I just want to be independent. I’m 28, I should find a job and a place to live” “You’re right. But….before you have to move to Nevada or Arizona, we’ll find a solution. We’ll figure it out” he let me know. It was so sweet seeing Josh caring about me. I didn’t know what to say so I just said “Thanks”. “So and your friends are visiting you on the weekend?” he changed the topic. “Yes, they’re coming. I’m a bit excited, I haven’t seen them in a long time” “I guess it will be great. I’m also leaving for the weekend.” “What are you doing?” “Olivia’s boyfriend owns a little house in Santa Barbara, I’ll join them over the weekend to help papering some rooms” “You’re such a craftsman, aren’t you?” I laughed. “Well, sometimes” “Oh man, I’m so looking forward to get some sleep so I have to hung up now” I let him know. “Okay, I wish you sweet dreams and don’t worry too much, okay?” “I try my best” “Bye honey. I miss you, I kiss you” he waved in the camera when I did the same. He was such a great boyfriend. The greatest I’ve known.

On Friday I picked up my two best friends from college at the airport. They planned to do a trip through Europe. One weekend in Berlin, a few days in Hamburg, afterwards they would travel to Prague, Rome and London. “Hello again little girl” Jacob said when we hugged each other. Jacob was the first guy I’ve met in college. Together we attended a course about the middle ages which we both hated. He was such a nice, handsome and funny guy. I think if he wouldn’t be gay maybe he would be the perfect boyfriend and I would’ve fall for him. “How are you two?” I wanted to know. Madison, my other best friend from college - a girl with a black long bob and bangs - sighed. “It was a great flight, we had some great dinner in the clouds but the landing was a bit rough.” “Now we’re here, so everything’s fine” Jacob said while we were driving to my flat. Lara offered me her car for picking them up and I thanked her so much. I rarely saw her in the last days because most of the time she was at her boyfriends place. Yes, she was deeply in love with Leon. Together we made the perfectly deeply-in-love-girl-living-community.

I showed them our flat and afterwards we had some dinner at a nice little restaurant in Berlin Mitte. I recognized that Jacob and Madison liked Berlin. They even wrote a list of all the things they wanted me to show them. Well, this could be interesting I thought while reading it. “We only have three days” I told them. “Well, you can do it” they said.

So we did some sight seeing in Berlin and I took them to every important place of the city. While Madison liked the Brandenburg Gate Jacob preferred the Holocaust memorial. When I was showing them around it reminded me a bit of the day I showed Josh around. It was already five months ago. I didn’t know that five months later he would be a very special person in my life and I would miss him while he had to go back to L.A. “So, Eileen, tell us about the guy you’re dating” Madison said while we had some drinks. “He’s a nice guy. He’s the best I’ve ever known. Oh and his name is Josh” “We’re so sorry that we both were absent at Livia’s party. We’d like to meet him!” “Oh you will meet him when I’m back” “And what does he do? Is it right that he plays in the Red Hot Chili Peppers?” Madison wanted to know. “Yes, he does” “And you didn’t know?” Jacob was wondering. “Ehm, first I didn’t.” “Crazy world” “But he’s from Los Angeles, right?” Madison asked. “He is” I grinned. “Wow, you’re so lucky” she said. Her boyfriend lived in New York for a very long time because of work so they had a long distance relationship for four years. “I hope he’s hot” Jacob joked after ordering another cocktail. “Jacob!” I laughed. “He’s my boyfriend, okay?” “Sure….and I’m happy for you” he smiled.

“So, I’ve heard about this famous club here in Berlin. I think it’s called Berghain?” Jacob changed the topic. “Oh no!” I started laughing. “No?” “You don’t want to go there, don’t you?” “We want to!” both grinned at me. “Why? It’s such a weird, scary place” “Did you go there before?” “No but….Lara told me some stories. It’s very dark with crazy people and you hardly get into the club” “Oh we want to try it!” Jacob said. “Are you joining us?” “No! Never!” The “Berghain” was the most famous night club in Berlin. It was famous for his crazy design and stories people tell about. Many international DJs played gigs there, but mostly it was electronic and techno music. “Why don’t you join us?” “I don’t like the music. It’s not my type” “Booooring!” Jacob let me know. He was a total hipster wearing a red beanie, skinny jeans and an oversized sweater to his boots. “But, you can try it. I bet they won’t let you in” I supposed. “Why? Are we too boring?” “No but….I don’t know. I think they don’t let in many tourists” “Well, at least we give it a try” So Jacob and Madison left for the club after we paid our bills. I went back home for some sleep.

The next morning I was surprised that they were laying in their beds. When I fell asleep they weren’t at home yet so they must’ve had some luck at the entrance. I made some breakfast and finally waited for them to wake up. At 12pm Madison went into the kitchen. “Good morning!” I said smiling. “Morning” she mumbled and ruffled her hair. “So, how was your night at the Berghain?” “It was great! Really!” she said. “But I will never ever go there again. The people are so crazy. You have to be careful not walking into a dark room!” “Oh well….I told you so” I couldn’t stop but laughed. “Yes but….never thought that it would be SO crazy there” “But did you have a great time?” “We had….we stayed until 6am. Some people entered the club at that time” she told me. Yes, the club was famous for its parties all over the weekend, the whole day until Monday morning.

Later that day we watched some movies and just chilled in my bed. When “Harry & Sally” ended Jacob picked his phone. “How’s your boyfriends name? Josh?” “Yes, why?” “Oh ehm” he said but stopped because he typed on his phone. I didn’t pay much attention on it and instead went to the kitchen to get us some drinks. When I came back Madison and Jacob were looking at Jacob’s phone. “What are you doing?” “Wow Eileen” Madison said. “He’s very cute. He’s absolutely not my type, but he’s so cute in what he does and says” she let me know. “Ehm, who?” “Josh!” “Okay….why do you think so?” “We googled him!” Jacob said as if it was the most normal thing on earth. “Like you did I guess” “Ehm no, I didn’t google him” They booth looked at me with a shocked face. “You’re lying!” Madison was surprised. “No. I’m not” “Come on Eileen, we live in the 21st century. You HAVE TO google your new boyfriend” “I don’t have to” I let them know and drank my coke. “Wow, you’re very old school” Jacob commented. “Why should I google him? I know him in person, I don’t have to find out some crappy shit about him on the internet” “Crappy shit?” “Yeah, you know….people who write shit about him” “No…I mean ehm, maybe you can find out information about his ex girlfriends or something like that” Madison informed me. “Well….if I wanted to find out about it, I would’ve looked for it, don’t you think?” “Maybe, maybe….” I kept drinking my coke. Honestly, I didn’t want to know anything about Josh and Mia. The information I already knew were enough.

“I just found a picture of him and his ex!” Jacob suddenly shouted. Madison looked at his phone mesmerized. “Wow, she looks totally different to you” she then told me. “She has a dark brown long bob and some bangs. Just like me” I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW IT! “Oh and here is another picture….there she has longer hair and some grown out blonde wisps” Jacob kept informing me. “Good for her” I said and left for the bathroom.

When Madison and Jacob fell asleep I laid there totally awake. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know why but I had to think about Josh’s ex girlfriend. Mia. I even knew her name but never looked her up. Jacob just needed some seconds until finding two pictures of them on the internet. It was so easy nowadays - especially when your boyfriend plays in a famous band. I couldn’t explain why but I HAD to check her out. So I took my phone and opened the browser to type “Josh Klinghoffer girlfriend” into google. Oh my, what was I doing?

Some seconds later google showed me what I (didn’t) want to see. Josh and Mia. There were two pictures that caught my eyes. I clicked on it like in a trance. The first picture showed him with Mia at kind of an event. Or maybe a birthday party? After scrolling down the page I found out that Bob Forrest posted this picture on his Facebook account. It must’ve been at his birthday party. I looked up the date of the picture. Summer 2009. It must’ve been in the first months of their relationship. They looked very happy in this pic. She wore a black shirt and a necklace. I fantasized about Josh giving it to her. They were sitting at a bench in a garden I guessed. She had her head on his shoulder while smiling in the camera. I stared at the picture for quite some time before I clicked back to the results to search for the second one. I found it. It showed Josh and Mia hugging and laughing. He smiled at her with a special look in his eyes. I couldn’t describe it but he looked very happy. It was from 2011. Just one year before they broke up. After looking at the pictures I was totally awake. I couldn’t sleep. Instead I thought about Josh and his ex. I knew they were together for three years. I even knew that she cheated on him but….he must’ve loved her very much. This look on his face was so special. I had the feeling that he haven’t looked like this in the photos we took of us in Los Angeles.

“What’s wrong Eileen?” Madison asked the next morning while we breakfasted in my kitchen. The two had to leave in a few hours. “Nothing” I said because I didn’t want to make a scene or spread a bad mood. I was happy that my friends were there, so I shouldn’t think about pictures of my boyfriend and his ex. “No!” Jacob spoke with his mouth full. “There IS something wrong with you.” I sighed. I didn’t have a chance to pretend that everything was fine. “Okay” I said. “It’s because of the picture you found yesterday.” “The pic of Josh and his ex?” Jacob asked wondering. I nodded. “But…what’s wrong with it? They broke up, he’s with you, so what’s the problem?” Madison wanted to know. “Well” I started explaining them. “I looked them up, too. And….I don’t know why it’s bothering me but…it’s how he looks at her” I sighed. “I don’t get your point” Madison said. “It’s the way he looks at her in this specific picture where they look at each other and she’s laughing. It must be backstage at a Chilis concert” Jacob resolved. “Right” I agreed with him. “They way he looks at her….he doesn’t look like this in one of the pictures we took in L.A.” “He’s just a guy….maybe he thought of sex and…” Jacob tried to explain me. “Eileen!” Madison interrupted us. “When did you change into this drama queen? I’ve never seen you like this! In the past you always thought realistic and rational about dating and relationships. You’ve never asked yourself why the guy looks this way or why he behaves like this….you’ve just shrugged off and went on with life if the guy didn’t want you. When did you change? And why?” “I don’t know….when did I change? Maybe after my ex lied and cheated on me? Maybe it was so horrible and painful for me that I lost my belief in love? Maybe I lost my naive belief that everything will be fine in the end….it doesn’t. That’s what I thought one year ago and that’s what I think now. Josh crossed my life and I think I’m just afraid of losing a person I’m in love with again. I know it’s different now than when I was with Steve but….you’ll never know” “Okay I get it but….why do you look at old pictures and ask yourself why he looks at her like that? It doesn’t matter!” ”Because she thinks he doesn’t love her the way he loved his ex, am I right?” Jacob boiled it. “But why? I mean….seriously, why? Please, tell me!” Madison couldn’t follow me. “I don’t know” I sighed. “Seriously Eileen, what will change if Josh and you break up? I know it sounds hard but…you have to remind yourself that nothing will change unless you let it change your life. Sure it would mean heartache but….you are a strong person, a strong woman. Don’t make yourself dependent on someone, okay?”

She was right. It’s what I told Josh before. I didn’t want to make myself dependent on him. But what Madison meant was something different: I should stop making myself emotional dependent on someone so that it could ruin my life if the person disappears. It sounded hard, but she was right. It was the truth. She always lived her own live in L.A. while her boyfriend lived his life in New York. She managed to be independent. During my relationship with Steve I was independent when I studied abroad but when I came back I changed into this drama queen who questioned everything about her life, her relationship, her boyfriend. Maybe it was because I’ve already knew that we would break up. Before my relationship with Steve I was relaxed and chilled while dating a guy. If the guy didn’t text me back or didn’t want another date I forgot about him. But I think I knew what was the reason why I behaved like this: I wasn’t in love. But I was in love with Steve and now with Josh. If you’re falling in love you make yourself weak. So I was just afraid of getting hurt again. I think now I couldn’t handle it. Josh was too special to lose him.

“I think I have to focus on my own life, get more confident and stop questioning everything, thanks Madison” I heard myself saying. I surprised myself. “That’s my girl!” she laughed and we high-fived. Later I brought the two to the train station so they could take the train to Hamburg. They wanted to party at the “Reeperbahn”, a street famous for its nightlife like bars, cafes and strip clubs.

In the next days I tried to distract me from thinking about Josh’s ex Mia. I mean, why did it bother me seeing these pictures? It’s from the past. They broke up nearly two years ago. He was single and we met five months ago. Sounds like a real lovestory, right? I had to remind myself that I HAVE to forget about it. Didn’t he tell me that Mia was engaged now? “Eileen, are you joining us tonight? We want to order some Chinese food and watch old movies?” Lara asked me at that Tuesday night. “Sure, I join you” I answered. It was always fun hanging up with Lara and Leon. They were a very cute couple but they weren’t cheesy and didn’t make you feel like the third wheel. Currently Leon was doing his Ph.D. in biology so he worked at a university. Lara and I attended one of his lectures the other week. He was a very intelligent, nice and gentle man. I was happy for her that she found someone like him. But the more I spent time with them the more it reminded me of Josh and me and how much I missed him. I have to admit to myself that it was a very hard and rough time. I never thought that it would be that difficult for me but there were certain things happening in my life at the moment that I wanted to share with Josh or I wished he would be by my side – but he couldn’t.

I got more and more rejections for jobs. Sometimes I cried myself into sleep because I thought that I would never find a job. It was a ridiculous search. My parents were right when they told me that finding a job with a Master degree in history isn’t easy. I should think about my decision what to study they said. But I didn’t. I wanted to study history so I did. Well, I’m counting the cost now, I thought.

The situation was so desperate that I decided to apply for a job outside of L.A. But there weren’t many jobs to apply for. I applied for two in San Francisco, one in San Diego, Fresno, Bakersfield, San Jose and even in Sacramento. Then I found a job advertisement for a job in Roseburg, Oregon. I knew that it would be far away, very far away to be honest. You couldn’t make it by car in one day. Haha, if I’d only own a car. I didn’t. I knew that Josh would be very shocked if I would take a job that far away from Los Angeles, but if it’s my only chance I had to take it. Well, I sent the applications away, closed my laptop and hoped for the better.

“Hey little sis! How are you? How’s life in Berlin?

Maggie and I are moving to L.A. very soon. When you’re coming back, we’re already there. We’re super excited! It’s totally spontaneous to move in February but we found a little house and fell in love with it. It’s in Huntington Park, so a total new area for me to live. You know, I always was a Silver Lake boy. But well….if you have family, you have to compromise. Maggie found a job at a kindergarten and I will work for a start up. I’m very excited! I think it’s the first time I have a real job! Mom and dad will be very proud I guess.

What about you? Love, Marc”

Tears ran down my face when I read his e-mail. Sure I was proud of him, how he was doing and that he took care of his little family. But for me it felt like everything was against me. Why did Maggie found a job without even looking for a long time? And why did they have such a luck buying this house? I also looked for a place to live in L.A. but it made me even sadder. Everything was fucking expensive. How should I pay a rent of $1000 for a two room apartment without a job? Where should I live? Under the bridge? Yeah, maybe….

Lara tried to cheer me up. We made a girls night and ordered some cocktails while talking about our worries of every day life. “Sweetie, please don’t look that tired. Try to smile, okay? It’s a wonderful night. Just you and me and a glass of mojito” she said while looking me in the eyes. I think she knew how I felt. “I try to do it….but it’s not that easy when everyone around me seems to find a job, a house, a car….everyone but me” “I know…but as time goes by, everything will be okay. Believe me. I’ve been there” I knew that she was there before. Lara moved to Berlin eight years ago, totally broke. Her parents didn’t support her but she wanted to move to Berlin after she ended an abusive relationship with an ex. So she bought a ticket from Heidelberg to Berlin and looked for a place to sleep. She spent two weeks in a hostel until she found her first flat in Berlin. It was a small apartment but she was proud of it. For six months she worked as a waitress until she started studying graphic design. She always had to manage her life on her own since she was 20. And she did very well I guess. After graduating with 25 she found a temporary job, later was a free lancer and now was working at a gallery AND as a free lancer. She loved her job.

“I know that it will be fine. But now I’m very afraid of my future. I mean, I’m 28 and I don’t find a job. I couldn’t feed a family” “You don’t have to feed a family” she reminded me. “Yes but….you know, I’m starting to think about it. I always wanted to have kids and be married until I turn 35. It’s only seven years….” “Seven long years! Seven years where you can find a great job, earn much money, move into a wonderful place with your lovely boyfriend. Doesn’t it sound nice?” “It does” “So, please try to focus on the good things. The bad things will come anyway” “I actually applied for a job in Oregon. I don’t know what I should do if they send me a positive acknowledgement. Josh would freak out. I don’t think he would be pleased with my decision. I don’t even know how to tell him” “Hm, I think it’s your life. You should think about what’s best for you. I always share the opinion that a couple whose relationship is strong enough can do it. They can overcome the distance, if they only want to.” “You’re right….” I sighed and took a sip of my mojito. “At least my uterus reminded me again this week that I’m not pregnant. So I don’t have to think about feeding a family yet. I should be happy” I said sarcastic. “Urgh, I hate it. I hate it since I was 13. I mean, who decided that woman should be punished once a month? What did we do wrong? I don’t get it….” Lara got annoyed. “It’s an interesting question. Why women and not men? It’s unfair!” “It is! So unfair!” she raised her glass and said “To all the women out there dealing with menstrual pain. I feel you!” We clinked glasses and giggled. What would I do without Lara?

“But seriously” Lara started to say after we drank off our second cocktail and offered another one. “Would you like to have kids?” “Hm, I guess. You?” “No, never. Not now…but I think I won’t change my mind in the next ten years” “Really?” “I don’t get along with kids. I mean, I don’t know what to do with them. They’re cute but they can be very annoying and….it’s just not my thing I guess. I don’t see myself with children living a happy family life. I always wanted to be independent, travel, see more of the world, maybe live in a foreign country. You can’t do it with kids” “I know, if you have a family you’re caught into it. You can’t just disappear for a while” “Well you can but then you’re an asshole!” “Yeah” “But…what would you do if you would get pregnant now?” “Ehm….I don’t know. I would be shocked I guess” I said. What a tough question. “I would abort it and don’t tell my boyfriend” “No you wouldn’t!” I was shocked. “Yes, I think I would….” “But why don’t tell your boyfriend? He has the right to know it” “No….well okay maybe I would tell him but I would decide. It’s my body not his” “But it’s his child, too” “Yeah kind of. But….he doesn’t have to carry a big baby bump with him. He doesn’t have to feel the pain while giving birth. He doesn’t have to see his body change that way. You know what I mean?” “Yes but I don’t agree with you. I couldn’t abort it. It’s a life…no…I just couldn’t” “And that’s totally okay. But you have to respect my opinion” “I do”

“You know what’s funny?” she suddenly spoke about a completely different topic. “I hooked up with so many guys at bars in the last year and now I’m feeling like the most monogamous person I know. It’s so crazy, I mean one year ago I have sworn of men.” “Yes, love can change you” I laughed. “We both experienced it in the last year, right?” “Totally” Lara said after drinking her cocktail. “You know what drives me crazy?” “I don’t” “It drives me crazy that I don’t know much about Leon’s past. I mean, I’m questioning with how many women he has slept. I know it’s silly, but I want to know it so badly. I’m feeling like 22 again. Like Taylor Swift sings in her song, ‘Hey, I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 22′. So crazy!” “Then go and ask him” I suggested to her. “NO! I can’t do it” “Why?” “Because then he would ask me too and that would be awkward” “Why?” “Eileen, you know about my life in the last year. There were so many guys….” “Well, then don’t ask him. As you said, it’s in his past” “I wonder if I should ask him getting tested, you know, to have much more fun. If you know what I mean…” “I get it” I answered and took a long drink. I always felt a bit uncomfortable when Lara started talking about such topics. “I’ll think about it” she ordered the third cocktail. “Haven’t you ever wondered what Josh did? How many girls he had?” “No…not really” “But…he’s a rock star!” “He isn’t a rock star” “But he was always on the road in his 20s, now in his 30s. And he plays in a band with Anthony Kiedis. Oh gosh, I was so in love with Anthony Kiedis when I was 14” “Really?” “Completely in love. But then I fell in love with Brandon Flowers and forgot about Anthony” “You’re such an indie rock girl” I joked. “But what does that mean, he’s in the band with Anthony?” I giggled. “He’s not Anthony” “I know…but maybe Anthony’s dating life rubs off on Josh?” “He told me about his experiences but it didn’t give him anything” “Sure, it doesn’t give you much. It’s just sex for fun” “I don’t think he’s much into it” “For me he’s just this innocent shy guy” Lara laughed. “BUT still waters run deep, we all know it. And since we’re roommates I know he’s not that innocent after all” she crackled. “Well look at us. It’s already 2am, we’re sitting in a bar talking about our sexual life. It’s like we’re on college again!” Lara started laughing and ordered some gin and raised her glass. “To all the lovely kids out there who live a lovely life with their lovely parents. And to all the kids we prevent to have while having fun!” Oh well. Going out with Lara was always like an X-rated film.

Two days later I checked my mails when suddenly there was a mail from the foundation where I applied for a job - in Roseburg. My heart skipped a beat while opening it. I skimmed the mail and couldn’t believe it. They wanted to give me the job. Wow! I was happy. Sure it would be far away from home but….it was my only chance at the moment. Later that day I skyped with Josh. After we talked about our every day life – he would start touring in two days – I HAD to tell him about the positive news.

“So….I got a positive answer from a job application” I said nervous. “Oh really? Where? From this gallery in Burbank?” “No….sadly not. But it’s a really great job, they pay me enough money for a living” “Great! So where is it?” “Ehm….that’s the problem. It’s in Roseburg. Oregon” I watched Josh’s face changing from happy to shock. I knew it would happen. “You’re kidding” was the first thing that came out of his mouth. “I’m not. It’s the truth.” “What about the other jobs? This job in San Diego?” “Rejection” “The job in Pasadena?” “Nope” Silence. I knew he would react like that. I had the feeling that he didn’t understand why I would choose this job.

“Josh, look. It’s just for one year until I’ll find another job, hopefully in L.A.” “No” he said. “What…ehm?” “No….just…no” “But, if it’s my only chance?” “It’s not….I already told you about your opportunities” “Yes you did. But it’s quite out of the question” I let him know. Josh shook his head and hid his face in his hands. “Eileen, do you really wanna go there?” “I think so” I said in an anxious voice. I wasn’t sure about it to be honest. “Well, then I don’t know how this will work out in the future” “This?” “Us” Wow. He thought that we couldn’t make it? Just because I would move away for one year? If I would take the job I had to take it for at least one year. I couldn’t leave earlier.

“So you say we couldn’t make it if I would move to Oregon?” “No” “Why?” “Because I don’t live a normal life. I’m a musician, I’m always on the road. I don’t have time to commute between two states when I’m back from work. I just can’t….” he told me. I felt sad that he didn’t want to give us a chance. “But Josh, it’s us. We can make it if we want to, don’t you think?” “How?” he asked and looked me in the eyes. Well at least his eyes in my display looked at me. “How do you think we can make it? How often could you afford a flight to L.A.? How often would I have time to fly to Oregon?” “I don’t know….” “See, it won’t go well. Believe me.” “Why are you sure about it? Did you have a long distance relationship?” “No” “So, why do you think that way?” “Because Los Angeles is my hometown. I can’t leave it. I just can’t. And I can’t live between two states. When I’m home from tour I NEED to stay in my hometown” “Wow, I thought that a relationship is about compromising….” Josh didn’t respond anything to it. He just stared at his feed. “So did I get it right, if I move to Oregon we break up?” “I guess” he said. “Otherwise it doesn’t make any sense for me” “Fine”

____________ I think this songs fits perfectly to the last scene of the chapter. Oh and I love Coldplay <3

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