#can you fucking imagine. imagine thinking 'im going to score and shes going to regret that' and then DOING it.
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i dont know how to express to someone who has never played womens soccer what lindsey horan's goal today meant to me (and girls everywhere) but like . holy fuck im not kidding when i say that changed my life. my mom straight up cried
#someone goes for your bad knee & theres no foul called so you get up. you walk back on calmly. you shove her and yell.#then when the ball is kicked and shes laughing because she got off you head it straight into the back of the fucking net.#can you fucking imagine. imagine thinking 'im going to score and shes going to regret that' and then DOING it.#ive never seen that in my entire life. that changed my life. im so fucking serious#tobin talks#lindsey horan#uswnt#wwc 2023
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We don’t talk a lot - We haven’t talked in probably about a year or so now, since I left the fandom space we met in. I’ve changed usernames since then - I went by Wheat on discord. Sorry I’ve been so distant. I never knew how to talk to you since it’s been a while.
Even still, I want to tell you that you were important to me, and still are. I wish we could talk more. I want to talk about your new interests. What are you into these days? I’ve been getting into some older games these days, but I’ve been missing pokemon a bit. I want to get back into it. Do you still draw Sky? I never asked you about them with as much detail as I wanted to. I was always worried about being too intrusive, but I regret that now. Your OCs are really imaginative. I know you’re into tensura now, right? Season 3 is coming out soon. I’m excited for that.
I want to get to know you again. I don’t know what happened with whatever you left behind, and I don’t know if this is a weird message to send, but you’re important to me and I want to let you know that you are. I wouldn’t be who I am if you weren’t there in the beginning. Thank you for being you.
i dont know how to talk either. every sentence i say either feels fake or self centered, selfish. and dont worry about being distant; it happens, especially when interests change. i dont blame you.
youre important to me too. i wish we could talk more. im not into much right now. i just feel empty. i gave up su/bmas, after everything. it was too much, not knowing who i could trust not to fucking ship them, or think its ok in any circumstance. yet sometimes i still crawl back to the tag, despite blocking it a while ago. i dont touch anything though, just look. it doesnt bring me joy anymore. i think im finally letting it go. i dont know how i feel about po/kemon yet. its kinda just. there. maybe im just feeling particularly apathetic right now.
i don't really draw anything right now. i dont know if i can go back. it was my only hobby, yet my therapist said that it wasnt enough, even when i was at my lowest. well, at the time. ive set a new low score at this point. i dont want to draw. i don't know what id draw. i dont think i can. my computer is kinda a no mans land at this point. i don't really touch it anymore. im glad you liked sky though. i never understood why she garnered so much attention. i could never write a good enough character for her. she was a mary sue in that way, with no real character flaws, let alone the... everything else. either way, like i said, im glad you liked her regardless. it means a lot. the attention i got because of her made me really happy.
like i said, im not really into anything right now, but i guess tensura would be regarded as an "interest." im... looking forward to season 3. i read one of the light novels thats going to be adapted a month or two back though, so i guess its gonna be a moment before i get to "new" content.
i dont know if theres anyone to get to know anymore. i was already in a depressive episode before this disaster, now i dont know if theres any going back, if theres any way to recover. it isnt a weird message to send, and its appreciated that you care for me but. im not sure if i can trust anyone again. im not sure if i can even trust myself. even in the aftermath, the people i thought i could trust either no longer talk to me or still interact with those who hurt me. i guess its selfish to ask them to cut off those friends too. but ive always been selfish. self centered. egotistical.
regardless, im glad i had some positive impact despite my mess of a personality. thank you for your words
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Can i request how different idv characters would act as roommates? Eli, Helena, Luca, Edgar, Vera, Norton and Fiona if thats alright with you :DDD
warnings? kinda suggestive, crack fic, cussing
mod toby and mod bread helped me do this fic, its a bit all over the place but it was fun so no regrets
Eli Clark
I feel like being roommates with eli would be pretty pleasant
everything would be clean all the time
he’s the type of kid that everyone wants on their team because of how good he is at everything
so if you scored a roomie like him, you got super lucky
if you left a mess he wouldn’t get mad, he would probably just clean it up himself and leave a sticky note that said to clean up ur mess next time(but not like, passive aggressively)
ofc you would clean up after the cute sticky note, bc who can say no to this bb?
If you don’t clean up tho, brooke rose will probably shit on your hair when u sleep
tbh you’ve always wondered what eli looked like without his eye mask
so one time when Eli was sleeping, you went next to his bed to try and take his eye mask off and see what he looks like.
You took off the mask and found out it was a dummy
a few seconds later you heard footsteps and you turned around
Eli came up behind you and knocked you out with a bat
you two don’t speak of that day.
Brooke kept screeching last night, and you got no sleep at all, so I guess we’re having chicken for dinner
Unless you had a good reason, then eli and brooke prob won’t mind cleaning up after u
I can imagine you going back to your shared room in the manor after a rough match and seeing eli just sweeping the room in an apron and a cloth covering his hair looking like cinderella
“Honey, I’m home!”
basically if you lived with eli, you basically had a husband/mom/wife???
If you came back to the manor, beaten up and bruised from the last match he would prob pester you and nag you
while cleaning up you wounds he would prob say, “You have to be more careful, im always worrying. You’re gonna give your mom a heart attack!”
seriously tho, don’t worry this bb, he would actually have a heart attack
Helena Adams
i think living with helena would probably feel like some sort of kdrama
she might be a bit clumsy and trip over a few things, falling into your arms bc of her blindness
though she might be doing it on purpose
If you moved things in the room without telling her, she would probably get mad
for example, you move the sofa chair a little bit to the right bc you thought it looked better
helena walks in the room, sits down on the sofa chair and ends up accidentally sitting on the sofa chair arm rest instead
resulting in her bottom hurting and a very long talk with you
she got her revenge weeks later
she had asked you to check under her bed for monsters because she couldn’t do it herself
you were teasing her for still being afraid of monsters but looked underneath anyways
low and behold,
she put a mirror there.
will even wack you with her cane if you’re being annoying
Her cane is pretty affective in shutting you up lol only sometimes
“Hey Helena, are you braille? ‘cause i can read you like a book when i touch yo-” *wack* *moans*
helena: ...
you: ...
helena: ...im leaving
you: heleNA WAIT-
One time everyone at the manor was celebrating Helena’s birthday with a piñata, 2 seconds later she was beating the shit out of Luca with her cane
even after everyone’s been yelling that he wasn’t the piñata
One time you and Helena had a staring contest because you were both bored.
She won.
sometimes to get her close to you, you would sit on the sofa chair super quietly and still
And then you’d wait for her to come and sit on your lap thinking it was the chair
and it would work
she would probably sit on your lap for a few minutes, confused as to why the chair felt elevated
and then she would feel your arms snake around her waist
and she would- “whAT THE FUCK- SCREEEEEEE”
she would probably make a cute bird noise and then just sit there, not knowing if she should leave or not
in her head, “THEIR LAP IS SO WARM OH MY GOD WHY DIDN’T THIS HAPPEN SOONER”
in real life, “let go of me you pathetic mortal”
you’d beg her to stay on ur lap longer and she would cave in
but she didn’t stay because she liked you! baka
Luca Balsa
living with luca will probably be the opposite of eli’s
messes, everywhere
inventions, everywhere
at one point though you had a sneaking suspicion he might be a bunch of rats.
you saw him outside crouching beside you guys’ room with a bunch of rats coming out his sleeve and running into a crack in the building
“its for science!”
he’s also super scared of helena
Luca doesn’t like to admit it, but he got his purple eye from Helena after he made a bad pick-up line for the blind.
She’s been chanting “one of us” and threatening to “finish the job” ever since.
he’s basically a big baby that needs to be taken care of
i feel like he might break down sometimes from not doing his invention right, or feeling insecure
but i guess his rats are there to help
but since he had a roomie, he wouldn’t be able to cry on his own
and its a good thing because he doesnt have to do everything by himself anymore
he learns to ask for help when living with you
you’d help him through his episodes and he would slowly start to become more reliant on you
if he was feeling a bit moody, he would unconsciously try to find you to cuddle with
if you lived with him, you’d probably have to be very responsible
luca would have his own bed that he would never sleep in because he wouldn’t be able to sleep without you in his arms
everytime he shifts in bed, you’d feel a tiny shock
it kinda bothered you so
you pranked Luca by touching him with those zappy ring things you’d get from a dollar store.
You just wanted that mother fucker to get a taste of his own medicine
he would basically be a puppy that follow you around, he would constantly old your head
probably refers to you as his
like if you downed a shot that barmaid made for you, he would be like, “EYYYY THATS MY BABy-heurghrhgh”
now you have a drunk baby that you have to take care of
You tried giving luca a shower afterwards, now you know how it feels getting electrocuted.
And trust me, Luca and water do not mix.
good luck have fun
Edgar Valden
living with edgar would consist of
1. edgar being super specific of what was his and what you can’t touch
2. big tsundere baby
3. sketches of you hiding in his sketch book
if you lived with edgar, you’d have to be super patient with his nagging or else you’d have to find a new roomie
he’s constantly nagging you
but if you are tired of it and give him the silent treatment, he’d probably just nag you even more for attention
you need to give this man attention or else
you ignored him for a whole day once because he said something mean
he decided to give you some milk and cookies as an apology
the ‘milk’ was his muddy paint water and the cookies were expired
i feel like one day you two would be arguing about who moved his stuff, your argument being he unconsciously moved his stuff, his argument being you moved his stuff
you guys were so heated up you didn’t notice how close you two were getting
edgar ended up pouncing on you like a feral dog
though when you woke up, you both agreed that you ended up winning the argument
when you’re reading or just doing nothing, he’d ask to sketch you or paint you
i-its not because he thinks you’re beautiful or anything
its just because he thinks that your whole self is aesthetically pleasing and pleasing to the eye- but not because he thinks you’re pretty!
sometimes when he was super focused on his art, he wouldn’t notice your figure slowly approach him
you’d boop his nose and watch as he froze
wh- hoW DARE YOU LAY YOUR HANDS ON A VALDEN
secretly tho, he really loves it when you do that.
like
do it more
please or not whatever
Vera Nair
Vera would probably be a bit anxious when she heard she was gonna get a roomie
but she would do her best to be at her best behaviour
she’s very well mannered and is very polite
she’d kinda be the type to silently care for you
like, she’d notice the little things that bothered you and made sure they wouldn’t bother you ever again
like, if you stubbed your toe alot, she would give everything that you could stub your toe with, rubber covers or socks
but she wouldn’t tell you it was her even though it was obviously her
if you fell asleep on your desk instead of your bed, she would probably but a blanket on ur shoulders and a pillow underneath where you left your head
she’s the thoughtful type
before you went for matches, she’d give you a cheek kiss for good luck
and if you did the same, she would probably play it cool but then panic a second later.
theykissedmetheykissedmetheykissedme-
im sorry this is short idk what to do for her-
Norton Campbell
oh BOY
once norton starts to warm up to you, you guys are basically married
like there was no proposal, just “do you take this man to be your husband- you can’t say no”
he would probably take care of you alot
even when you didn’t need it
i can do it mysel- no
but actually, before he warmed up to you he was pretty cold,
he felt himself growing feelings for you
and he didn’t want to because he was afraid he would lose you and he would have to go through the heartbreak of losing someone all over again
he would leave the room to go hang out somewhere else
he would keep his distance and not talk with you much
but there was this one time where you woke up with him around you, you just pretended you didn’t wake up and relished in the feeling
it took some time, but eventually he warmed up to you
though he still constantly worries about you, he doesn’t want you to get hurt
during matches he would always take hits for you, and just stay closer to you in general
he wanted to make sure you got back to the manor safely, it didn’t matter if he was sent back via rocket chair
he always put you as his #1 priority
he also gets jealous super easily, he’s scared someone will swoop you away from him
so to make sure everyone knows that you belong to him, he’d give you his clothes to wear
not only do his clothes look adorable on you, everyone will know that you’re his
probably pester you a lot if you tripped or got a paper cut
“yoU COULD HAVE DIED” “IT WAS A PAPER CUT”
Once, Norton got stuck to the fridge like a magnet for 5 hours
He’s been using that as an excuse to force you to bring him his snacks every since.
pick up lines are a definite yes
sometimes you’d be shitting and you’d hear outside the bathroom door a faint,
“My love for you is like Diarrhea.” “norton what the fuck im shitting-” “i just can’t hold it in” cue camera zooming in on his face and him smirking into the camera “OH MY GOD WHY”
like Luca, his bed is useless. he always needs you in his arms when sleeping, he wants to protect you and just feel you closer to him
puts him at ease
kisses? hell yes.
if you had to go to a match without him he would send you off with a ton of gross wet kisses on your face ew
He might even try to seduce you into staying
“norton I’m gonna lose morality points!” “fuck your morality points, i wanna smash”
Fiona Gilman
I feel like fiona would probably super psyched when she heard about sharing rooms with you
I headcanon her to be super bubbly and social but when she is alone with her thoughts she’d probably regret everything
“why did i say that why did i say that why did i say that-”
probably prays to god, “please kill me”
she tries her best to make sure you’re comfortable
she doesnt make a big mess and she makes sure she cleans up after herself, overall a pretty cool roommate
except for those times for when she tries to babtize you while you’re showering-
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING” “THE LORD SHALL CLEANSE YOUR SOUL WITH HOLY WATER-” “what the f- iS THIS ALCOHOL???”
this has happened too many times^^^
one time she accidentally created an ultra portal in the toilet.
Y’all still have no idea where it leads, and no intent of finding out.
Although, Kreacher has been complaining of some nasty stuff appearing in his room
i feel like during matches she would always call you with her portals to say hi or just give you a small kiss
it stopped being cute when she went through the portal and ended up seeing the hunter instead of you
mentally scarred from that
sometimes things would disappear in your shared room too, not only the toilet
you’re convinced she has a bunch of hidden portals in the room
like, one time you dropped a pencil and it went through the ground.
you never saw it again
Or you know that missing sock?
Portaled.
i dont know what this turned into
#identity v#identity v fluff#identity v angst#identity v prisoner#identity v prospector#identity v norton campbell#norton campbell#helena adams#minds eye#minds eye x reader#norton x reader#norton campbell x reader#luca x reader#luca balsa x reader#identity v fanfiction#identity v headcanons#headcanons#helena x reader#helena adams x reader#prisoner x reader#prospector x reader#edgar x reader#edgar#edgar valden#painter idv#edgar valden x reader#painter x reader#luca#norton#priestess
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okay so, a liveblog.
i know i haven’t done one of these in a while but it’s the last opportunity i had so, a pure as-i-watch-it liveblog for my own future enjoyment? horror? who knows
(also - last night i dreamt that jaime was still alive after all, and that he and brienne made up but then he poisoned sansa? anyway)
“I’ll find you later.” bitch........no
greyworm don’t you fucking dare babe
please don’t turn greyworm into a villain right at the end just to spite him i will be so mad
i’m so so nervous about tyrion walking through the rubble of the keep because if the twins are dead i absolutely do not want to see visual representation of the fact
the book of the kingsguards deeds im....asdjaskda
they’re going to make me see the fucking bodies aren’t they
okay that scene was so powerful and genuinely one of the saddest i’ve seen on the show and peter dinklage is incredible but i honestly struggled to watch it and i am crying A Lot
they, separately, have been two of my favourites since i started watching and this fucking hurts, i have honestly spent the last week kinda forgetting that they’re dead? and now it’s like. there they are.
also, jaime lannister clown club, my apologies, i so wanted to believe you
if tyrion does something like gives brienne his gold hand i s2g
i miss when jon used to look like he had life in him
he’s going to have to kill greyworm isn’t he
maybe davos will, actually, he’s never had a big kill
ooooooooooooooh the cinematography of the dragon rising behind her
imagine a regent that actually had wings how cool would that be
repeating her promises to/from the dothraki from like s1 is...a Move
“the queens master of war” ohhhhhh fuck me
god he really does need to die doesn’t he
literally what is she going to do?? march on every fucking city and kill them all? HOW are they “suffering under the wheel” the monarchy is the wheel and you? killed it??
arya use a face
aRyA uSe A fAcE
despite the fact i’ve seen leaks saying otherwise i’m so worried tyrion is gonna die
“I freed my brother” god the regret in his voice im dying
why is jon just chilling
JON BEING A TENDER BIG BROTHER why wasn’t 80% of his screentime this season doing exactly this
i love this version of arya that’s serious but not cold
“did you bring any wine?” oh babe
oof the whole afterlife discussion
oh for fucks sake what is it with the lannister men and laying out their bad deeds at the worst time
jon and tyrion arguing is just the two different halves of twitter arguing all this week
“why does it matter what i do” because you’re a good boy, jon snow!!!
god the acting in this episode so far is phenomenal
am i going to cry every time my dumbass golden idiot is mentioned from now on? bitch i might!
is he REALLY a member of the nights watch anymore? do the nights watch exist anymore? there’s no fucking WALL
is he really gonna just be like.....byeeeeee!!
YES bitch EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATE HIS LOVE OF HIS SIBLINGS its what he NEEDS
also, just his sisters?? there’s a bran also
i know we kinda forget about him (which will be hilarious by the end of this episode, if the spoilers i’ve seen are right) but
ooooh snowy dragon
shit, i forget, ashy dragon
ITS THE PROPECY
god the score is gorgeous
she’s literally queen of the ashes, fuck
“i imagined a mountain of swords too high to climb” so, like, the book throne then
oh god my upset puppy
this is it oh fuck
oh god
oh i feel so sorry for emilia clarke
oh jon
oh no drogon!! oh no
god that was quick
oh god when he’s nudging her body i’m so sad
why.....why the throne and not jon....
how does he know the throne is bad i’m?
god the VISUALS
but also....”mom died i’m DESTROYING the CHAIR” feels like a weird jump
god i fucking hate that her story ended like her father’s
we’re halfway through and no brienne, i’m disappointed
how many times now has tyrion had to contemplate his imminent death? bless him
ok so now she’s dead we can please let greyworm go safely to naath or something yeah? he doesn’t have to die or be evil this is fine just user him away
WAIT ITS MY BABY SHES HERE
how the fuck did they get down to KL so quick
WAIT EDMURE
hold um im pausing and rewinding
sam, ?, edmure, starks, WIFE, davos, LORD GENDRY LOOKING FINE, ?, a nights watch i guess? MY LESBIAN, a dornish prince i guess?
oh okay so obviously this is a little while later, and jon and tyrion have been imprisoned while they wait right?
YARA SHUT UP
god sansa looks stunning
edmure tully gets to do something! yay!
oh my god robin is huge now
“a veteran of two wars” where have you BEEN THOUGH BUDDY
“Uncle, please sit” GOD IMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
robin and royce trying not to laugh, sam trying not to laugh, sansa trying not to laugh, this is too much
“Why just us?” BABEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
SAM CHAMPIONING A DEMOCRACY LIKE A BABE
oh fuck off the lot of you
“who then?” well, brienne obviously
make her queen
i want it
give her a crown of sapphires
“bran the broken” that seems....reductive?
“who has a better story than-” well, you see, lots of people.
“and he can’t father children” i mean, he absolutely probably can?
where’s pod, i miss him
i love my diplomatic daughter
ARYA LOOKS LIKE SHE’S ABOUT TO CRY IM
bran being firm with greyworm i LOVE IT
he will be a good king, i agree with that. some emotion would be nice also.
oh god my poor baby
“there’s still a nights watch?” MOOD
“no one is very happy.” also a mood
he truly is ned’s boy, isn’t he.
show him saying goodbye to his family you FUCKING COWARDS
he’s sailing for naath after all i’m!! emotional!
where the fuck does arya think she’s going
i hope she has like, a few years travelling and then comes back
oh god arya crying is just
i’m so emotional
oh fuck
oh no i hoped and predicted for this scene weeks ago and wanted it to be in better circumstances but
why isn’t she wearing her blue armour
i can’t count the number of times i’ve paused this scene already to just solidly cry
“Escaped imprisonment and rode south in an attempt to save the capital from destruction. Died protecting his Queen.”
brienne baby i’m so sorry
okay i’m going to distract myself by questioning how the fuck they rebuilt so quickly
HOLY FUCK PEOPLE WERE KINDA RIGHT ABOUT SAM WRITING THE BOOK
fuckin bronn
oh god she’s HEAD OF THE KINGSGUARD
oh wow i’m so down for bran occasionally warging during meetings and everyone else just being like.......um....excuse us...
SER
PODRICK
FUCKING
PAYNE
“you’re master of grammar now too?” somewhere, in purgatory, a baratheon smiles.
i swear to god, if brienne’s last line is a comment about brothels
(at least she’s not pregnant)
my crack ship came out of this better than my hardcore otp
where’s GHOST
a king, a queen, an explorer, and a pariah.
god but i do love the starks
GHOST
OH god arya’s ship is gorgeous
sansa’s crown is nice but a little too cersei reminiscent for me
i’m just happy tormund is here
okay so actually. overall. and maybe it’s because i saw the leaks for most stuff weeks ago and had time to process it.
i kind of.....enjoyed that for the most part?
certainly the second half.
anyway. that’s it.
fuck me.
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100 Truths
Tagged by @hirvitank
Soz I ain’t bolding the text xoxo
1. Real Name: Mia
2. Nicknames: My parents call me munchkin. My friends call me Mia. My names too short 🤷🏻♀️
3. Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
4. Gender: Female
5. Nursery: Same as my first primary school. They were joint.
6. Primary school: I went to 3. Also not gonna list for my own privacy
7. Secondary school: Went to 1. It was shit.
8. Hair Colour: dark brown
9. Long or short: long. I want it to my shoulders tho
10. Loud or quiet: I’m loud around friends and quiet when I don’t know people very well
11. Sweats or jeans: sweats at home. Jeans when I go out
12. Phone or camera: phone
13. Health freak: hell nah. I love junk food. Wish I was healthier tho
14. Drink or smoke: Only socially
15. Do you have a crush on someone: Not really. I’m not social enough to have one
16. Political orientation: Labour. But isidewith told me Green so I guess that too.
17. Piercings: 7. 3 in each ear and 1 in my nose
18. Tattoos: I wish :(
HAVE YOU EVER [BEEN IN]:
19. Airplane: aye
20. Car *accident*: nope
21. Fist fight: nope
FIRSTS:
22. Piercing: ear lobes
23. Best friend: primary school. Her name was Holly. She was a bitch.
24. Instrument: violin (ik how posh)
25. Award: I got medals for Morris dancing. (Not the traditional kind. It was similar to cheerleading but without the gymnastics elements)
26. Crush: Guy from high school. In year 7
27. Language: English
28. Big vacation: I haven’t been out the country with my family. I went to Barcelona with school though
LASTS:
29. Person I talked to: My mum
30. Person I texted: my friend James
31. Person I watched: Uh what. My mum I guess cos I last saw her?
32. Food I ate: A chicken wrap
33. Movie I watched: Endgame. I’m scarred.
34. Song I listened to: 8 out of 10 by Drake
35. Thing I bought: LikeL1k3 by Jay Kristoff. It’s on sale for 1.99 on Amazon🤙
36. Person I hugged: My mum forced hugged me. In the nicest way. I’m not a big hugger
FAVES:
37. Food: Oooo um chocolate? Or lasagne
38. Drinks: Lucozade or Coca Cola
39. Clothing: Sweats. Anything baggy
40. Book: Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo
41. Colour: Purple
42. Flower: Daisy
43. Music: Anything tbh. I love 5SOS’ new era and Billie Eilish👅🤘 Imagine Dragons and The Score (v similar music)
44. Movie: Tangled or any Spider-Man
45. Subjects: Art/Science. Tho I’m not very good at them. Humanities like sociology and psych (doing psych in uni)
IN THE PAST YEAR IM
47. [] Kissed in the rain
48. [] Celebrated Halloween
49. [] Had your heart broken
50. [] Went over the minutes on your cell phone
51. [] Someone questioned your sexual orientation
52. [] Used a Weapon
53. [] Breathed Fire
54. [] Had an abortion
55. [X] Done something you’ve regretted
56. [X] Broke a Promise
57. [X] Kept a Secret
58. [X] Pretended to be happy
59. [] Met someone who changed your life
60. [X] Pretended to be sick
61. [] Left the country
62. [] Tried something you normally wouldn’t like, and liked it
63. [X] Cried over the silliest thing
64. [] Ran a mile
65. [X] Went to the beach
66. [X] Stayed single
CURRENTLY:
67. Eating: nothing
68. Drinking: nothing
69. Getting ready to: do revision (not going too well oops)
70. Listening to: One by Lewis Capaldi 😭😭
71. Plans for tomorrow/today: revision revision revision
72. Waiting for: a fuck to give. Sorry.
YOUR FUTURE:
73. Want kids: Yes
74. Want to get married: Nope
75. Careers in mind: Counselling
WHICH IS BETTER ON A PERSON/PARTNER:
76. Lips or Eyes: eyes
77. Shorter or Taller: taller
78. Romantic or Spontaneous: spontaneous
79. Nice stomach or nice arms: arms 👅👅
80. Sensitive or Loud: Both!!!!
81. Hook-Up or Relationship: relationship
82. Troublemaker or Hesitant: i like me a bad boi
HAVE YOU EVER:
83. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes
84. Ran away from home: nope
85. Held a weapon, for self defence: does fighting with my brothers count? I used a ruler?
86. Killed somebody: Nah
87. Broken someone’s heart: Nah
88. Been arrested: Nah
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself: No. I wish I did. I need to be nicer to myself.
91. Miracles: No
92. Love at first sight: Nah. I think you can have attraction at first sight tho
93. Heaven: Nah
94. Santa Claus: Nah
95. Easter Bunny: Nah
96. Magic: nah. Wish it was really tho. HoW CooL woULD thaT bE
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with, right now: in a social sense?
Nah. I like my alone space.
98. Are you seriously happy with where you are, in life:
No. I wish I’d planned things out better. Everything has been thrown at me and I feel like I should be more organised, the way I like it, than just making impulse decision because I simply can’t be arsed.
99. Are you happy with the person you’re with:
I’m not with anybody. So no
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 5 people: @glitterprincelu @a-driftamongopenstars @madmadmilk @bellblake @goofy-gomez (lol you don’t have to it obvs)
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Sixty-nine
Randi
Cayden and his friends were drinking and doing god knows what else while watching the game. I had agreed to let him host the party here, which i was kind of regretting because they were loud as hell and it made it hard to take my mid day naps. I had left for a bit to go and pick up some groceries so i could make some food for them to eat plus some snacks and such and now i was back home. I walked past going to put the stuff in the kitchen.
“Baby, you back?” Cayden said, getting up and coming to the kitchen.
“Yeah, just went to target,” I said, taking stuff out of the bag.
“How’s my baby?” He put his arms around me to grab my belly.
“Active. He’s been jumping around all day,” I sighed. He moved his hand around.
“That’s because he’s a little baller. Or maybe a gymnast if it’s a girl.”
“Mmhm,” i said, putting my hand over his. Somebody scored and the guys got all excited. We both looked over. I started taking stuff out the bags. Cayden removed his hands and started going back to the living area. I glanced at him and saw his jaw was locked and arms flexed. I was confused. He walked up to Rambo and smacked him on the back of the head.
“Damn man!” Rambo jumped. He turned around and Cayden grabbed the blunt that he must have just lit out of his mouth.
“I told your slow ass not to be smoking in my house when my wife is pregnant. Are you dumb? That’s my kid you fucking with bruh,”
“My bad Cayden, I forgot,” he said quickly. “I’m sorry man,” he said. Everyone else looked to see what Cayden was gonna do. I already knew what he was planning to do and considering he was China’s man and what not i couldn’t have them falling out or that would make things awkward for all of us. I put the milk I was holding down. I reluctantly intervened.
“It’s ok baby,” i said to him from the kitchen. He looked up at me and I gave him a look to calm down and of course he listened and backed down. He just put the blunt out and came to throw it out in the kitchen. He came up behind me and wrapped an arm around me again.
“Sorry,” He said by my ear just so I could hear.
“It’s ok,” I said, leaning up to kiss him. I wasn’t mad, after all he was right, it was bad for the baby. Cayden had stopped smoking, around the house anyways, all together. It was cute how concerned he was about the baby. He kissed my shoulder and I giggled.
“She’s already pregnant dog, give it a break,” ty said as he came strolling in to the kitchen to open the fridge. I blushed but laughed.
“Hey! I just got those,” I complained. But nobody was listening. He was long gone and they had broken into a play fight, crashing on to the floor and rolling around like children. “You’re 26 years old,” I grumbled, picking my rolls off the floor.
I made some stuff for the guys and then took my food upstairs to eat and watch some shows.
I ended up falling asleep after eating, but woke up a few hours later with terrible heart burn. That was happening a lot now. I would take it over being nauseous 24/7 like in the beginning, but it was still very uncomfortable. I went downstairs to go find some tums and realised Cayden and his friends were gone. I looked at my phone real quick and Cayden had texted me saying he was gonna go in to work. I got some tums and some milk and went back to the bedroom. I decided to give Cole a call because i hadn't talked to him in a while.
"Hi Colebear,"
"Hey lil mama. How you doing?" he asked.
"Im ok, just tired and sick all the time," i complained.
"That sounds horrible," he said. "How much longer you got anyways? Tryna make sure im there when the baby gets here."
"Still have like 4 months. Im ready for it to be over, and i just wanna hold my baby already." I groaned in frustration.
"When we gon find out if its a boy or girl? How am i supposed to buy them some swag if i dont know?"
"I was supposed to find out a while ago but i kept missing my appointments. Im going in a few days, should find out then."
"Word? aight keep me posted."
"I will," i said, "so whats up with you and Ty. He came to my house a week ago and from what he said yall had some drama when he visited." I was being nosy as usual.
"Aint no drama," he mumbled.
"What did you do?" i asked in an accusing tone. He sighed.
"I may have iced him out a little."
"Why?" i asked, confused.
"Things were getting...intense."
"Thats how a relationship works Cole," i pointed out.
"I know," he said simply. I smiled a little bit.
"I get it. I was the same way when Cayden and i started getting serious. It terrified me. It's scary to love someone."
"So what did you do?" He asked.
"Well Cayden didn't really give me an option to run. He followed me every time, " i laughed. "Eventually i just got tired of trying to run away and i just dove in. Now i'm married to the fool and carrying his baby."
"Diving in sounds terrifying."
"It is," i bit my lip, thinking back to when Cayden and i were still dating. "But its worth it."
"Ugh. I cant with this sappy shit right now. Im bout to go to practice and i dont need to be in my feelings while tackling a bunch of dudes."
"Okay fine, ill drop it for now. But you need to just accept you love him and move on. Don't overthink it," i said seriously.
"okay mom."
"Oh God, can you imagine someone is gonna be calling me that soon," i said, more to myself.
"I can see you as a mom. You always taking care of people or helping them fix their lives, even when they didnt ask," he laughed.
"What can i say, i dont know how to mind my business," i shrugged.
"Lowkey im the same," he said. "But i gotta go."
"Okay babe, have a good practice. Ill talk to you later."
He said bye and then i hung up.
Cayden
"Yo, How's the shipment going?" I asked him, referring to a deal i had going with Sean. He was organising the order while i handled the logistics and such.
"Man i don't think we have enough here. We gotta bring some from the other warehouse. I was gonna call Pat but i wanted to run it by you," he got up and i followed him out to the balcony looking down to the rest of the warehouse. It was busy with niggas at work like usual, organised by product.
"What he want?" i asked.
"Coke mostly, but he talking about he got some guy wants a bunch of crystal. We got 10, 20 pound max here," he said, nodding at the back of the room where the guys were breaking and weighing a fresh batch.
"Who the fuck wants to buy that much crystal?" My brows came together.
"Man who knows, thats your boy, ask him. Im just saying, thats pretty much all our supply from both warehouses, and we have one cook" he said. I nodded because he was right, but that wasn't my biggest concern. It was just weird to me that Sean was suddenly moving crystal when he had never before. I couldn't help think back to the time Randi asked if Sean could be trusted and wondered if she was on to something.
"Dont call Pat. Not yet anyways. Imma have a little meeting with Sean first," i decided.
"Got it," he nodded.
"By the way, thanks for checking on Randi while i was gone," i said. He shrugged.
"Uncle duties and what not," he smirked, "how she doing anyways? You weren't playing when you said she was emotional."
"She tired all the time, i feel bad. She go off on you?" I laughed.
"Nah, just crying and shit. I don't know how you do it."
"Ill take crying over when she gets angry."
"True," Ty nodded. I checked my watch.
"I gotta go find Keisha, i need her to get Sean here. I aint going to Cali, i just got back," i looked around a bit.
"She was here with Kassie earlier, training and what not. How you get her to come back anyways?" he raised a brow.
"I begged," i chuckled. " Why? you still got a crush on her? Thought you were all about the D now."
"Fuck you Cayden," he said, turning to go back to his office. I laughed and went off to find Keisha.
I ended up just calling Keisha from my office and she came up.
"Hey, sorry, Kassie was showing me around. She just left," she said.
"It's all good. I need you to do something for me though. 2 things actually."
"Sure, what is it?" she pulled out a pen and notepad.
"I need you to get Sean here. ASAP."
"Got it," she nodded.
"Also i need you to book me a trip, for 2. Jamaica, not business. Anytime in the next month or so," i looked up from my phone calendar.
"I'll get right on it..." she paused. "It's sweet. I mean, im assuming it's for your wife."
"Yeah it is. Gotta keep her happy," i shrugged. She smiled. Then she seemed to remember something and pulled out her phone
"Oh before i forget, the accountant is coming tomorrow. Just a reminder. Also, your calendar says its Ty's birthday soon, do you want me to arrange anything?"
"Remind me an hour before tomorrow. Get a gift for me, Randi is doing the rest. She throws unnecessary parties, its kind of her thing," i rolled my eyes.
"Okay then. Ill go start on this," she said, turning for the door.
"How was the training by the way?" i asked. Kassie had been here the whole time i was gone, showing her the ropes
"Good. She was really nice. She had a lot of great things to say about you. But i'm not surprised, you're a nice guy Cayden. I cant tell you how much this job means to me, my son too," she brushed her golden curls aside. "I mean i made decent money at the club, but...this is a lot better," she bit her lip. I nodded.
"You should have called me, I always cared about you Keisha," i smiled at her gently seeing her get emotional. She was all tough exterior, it was rare to see this side of her.
"I was embarrassed," she shrugged.
"You aint gotta be. How people make money is none of by business. Bur don't worry, i pay my assistants a lot. You gotta put up with my ass, just wait, you'll be sick of me soon."
She laughed.
"Thanks Cayden," she smiled.
"You're welcome," i said simply. She left and closed the door behind her.
Once she was gone i called Randi to check on her.
Randi
Cayden called me just after id gotten off with Cole. He asked how i was and then he was telling me about what he was doing and when he would be home. Then i heard someone talking in the background, it wasn't a guy though, it was a female voice.
“Who is that” I said.
“Who’s who?” He asked. I sat up straighter in the bed chair.
“The chick talking in the back ground,” i said. I couldn't think of any reason for there to be a girl in his office at the warehouse. I knew there were a few girls who were involved in selling and what not but Cayden didn't spend time talking to pedlars or people lower in the chain, he handled all the big time stuff. I started to wonder if he wasn't really at the warehouse but i didn't see why he would lie.
“Keisha,” he said, as if that meant anything. “My assistant.”
“When did you get an assistant? You don’t like anyone, how’d you even pick someone.”
“I told you months ago that I needed an assistant baby,” he reminded me. This was true but still.
“Hm,” I said simply.
“So we good then? I’ll see you in a few hours,” he said.
“Okay,” i said, hanging up. I had been too annoyed to say bye or I love you.
Why would he get an assistant without telling me? If that even was his assistant. I knew there was always random girls walking around that definitely weren’t assistants, the business kind anyways. I wondered what this Keisha girl was assisting Cayden with and my blood started to boil. I tried to not be this person but pregnancy also had me a bit mentally unstable and I wasn’t particularly confident right now. Was Cayden fooling around with another girl because i was becoming the size of a whale? I panicked and started to get up off the bed and pulled on a sweater.
I wasn’t really sure what I was doing until i was driving for 20 minutes and leaving the city to go towards the warehouse. I never came here on my own and I started to second guess myself as I pulled up and security immediately posted up. I got out of the car and locked it. One of the guys looked familiar though and I was pretty sure I’d seen him before.
“Are you lost shawty?” Another guy said, licking his lips in a disgusting way and looking down at me. I was about to release all my fury on him when the familiar guy spoke up.
“That’s Cayden’s wife you idiot” he said. The previous guy shrunk back.
“My bad,” he said quickly, head down.
“Should i get Cayden for you?” The familiar guy asked. I shook my head.
“I know my way,” I said, motioning to the door. They paused but moved out of the way. I adjusted my cardigan and went in. People stared at me because i rarely came period let alone on my own. Also I was pretty pregnant now which drew attention. I went upstairs to the offices and stopped in front of Cay’s. I debated whether or not to knock then decided against it. I opened the door and walked in.
Cayden looked up and his face went very confused when he saw me. He was in the chair and a girl stood beside him, bent over and pointing to the computer screen.
“Randi? What the fuck are you doing here?” He said. My face must not have looked happy because he quickly got up. “I mean is everything ok? Is it the baby?” He came over and put a hand to my lower back. I immediately checked his hand for the wedding band which was there.
“The baby’s fine,” I said, looking him over for lipstick, makeup, anything.
“What’s going on then?” He asked. I looked up at the girl standing and starring at us. Cayden looked up. “Keisha can you give me a minute with my wife,” she stood for a minute looking which was strange but then she shuffled out.
I was looking around his office looking for any signs of anything messy when Cayden put a hand to my cheek. “Baby, What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I mumbled, feeling like the biggest fool.
“You drove all the way up here for nothing. Nah,” he shook his head. I choked up, I couldn’t say I came because I thought you were cheating.
“I don’t feel good,” I lied. I did feel sick to my stomach all of a sudden but more out of guilt. Guilty that I’d thought he’d do something like that and also because the way he looked worried now that he thought I was sick.
“Maybe I should take you to the hospital,” he said, feeling my forehead.
“No I’ll be okay,” I said quickly. “I think I just need to go home,”
“I’ll take you,” He said “someone will come pick me up after.”
I agreed. He held me all the way out of his office and down the stairs. Once we got in the car I was still thinking about the fact that he got an assistant and didn’t tell me. That was still sketchy, cheating or not.
“How do you know her?” I asked.
“Keisha?” He asked. I waited for him to lie because honestly I already knew the truth. I was simply testing him. “Being 100, we used to fuck but it was a long time ago, and we were actually friends.”
“So is that why you didn’t tell me?” I asked.
“This about to be a problem isn’t it?” He asked. “Wait? Is that why you drove all the way down here?”
Well shit.
“Well I heard a girl in your office,” I said, defending myself. He turned to face me then.
“And you automatically assumed I was what? Cheating?” He looked upset. I was supposed to be the one angry. “You don’t even trust me huh? Still,” he shook his head.
When he put it like that he made it sound bad.
“It’s not like that-“
“What’s it like? You came running, so that’s what you thought.”
“Well...” I started. “Normally I wouldn’t be scared but look at me,” i gestured at myself. “I don’t look tight and right at the moment. And don't eve play me like you didn't just hire a girl you used to sleep with and not tell your wife about it.”
“You’re insane Randi. You’ve lost your mind. I ain’t even gon fight you cause you carrying my kid.”
I got frustrated and was fighting the urge to break into tears so i just glared out the window for the ride home.
#chris brown#Jhene Aiko#chris brown fanfic#chris brown ff#jhene chilombo#jhene efuru#jhene aiko fanfic#jhene aiko ff#fanfiction#fandom#fanfic#fanfic update#j cole#j cole fanfic
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SWIMMING KIDS [M]
Genre: Smut
Kim Doyoung X Reader
Synopsis: In which you’re Taeyong’s sister who has a major crush in Doyoung.
Word Count: 4.458
Author Nother: So yeah, here I come again, at 2am, with more NCT smuts when I should be writting Ultraviolet series, but I hope you enjoy fratboy!Doyoung <3
I’m so sad I had to cut my baby Haechan from here, but I guess it’s for the best since we have alcohol involved.
This is dedicated to the greatest Doyoung stan I’ve ever know, @hinaporcelaindoll, love ya and sorry for taking too long.
Lee Taeyong’s sister was a freshman in the same university as her brother and his friends, and even before she went living in the greek system everybody knew she was trouble. Messing with her means you would have to deal with her jealous brother and his death glare, and Taeyong was a very respectful man around the campus.
Not that she cared about him when she saw Doyoung’s soft black strands and wide eyes for the first time.
The girl was pure sin. Walking around the green grass with her spring dress and lovable smile, nobody could even imagine she could bring someone close to the edge as she was about to do. She didn’t have nothing special, that could say she was different from the other girls, but those teasing eyes… they could set fire into one’s soul.
It was a family thing.
It was Saturday, dusk starting to pour down on the horizon, the eight boys were all gathered around the living room. Some of them sitting on the floor, bottles and cans of beer adorning the furniture of the fraternity house, drunken smiles starting to appear. It was football evening, a tradition on Phi Phi Lambda house, and it didn’t matter if it was their favorite teams or a Brazilian unknown match, they would always gather around and watch it together.
And everything was fine before she started to appear around when they were having their sessions. It wasn’t that the boys didn’t like her. She was, in fact, their little mascot. Their personal freshman, who they adopted with so much love and tenderness. She was Taeyong’s family, then she was their family too.
The problem was Doyoung.
She liked him since she put her eyes on him and had no compunction when provoking him. If he was on the kitchen, she would pass by the corridor and touch his arms. If he was sitting on the living room, she would sit next to him and talk close to his ears. If he was on the garden, she would walk across the street on the tightest skirts and shortest shorts. And I would be lying if I said it didn’t take all of his soul to control himself, because it did.
The civil engineer student had always been a reserved boy. None of his frat friends really knew something about his relationships, he liked to keep all to himself, so everybody thought he didn’t want the freshman. But the truth is that he finished himself on his own hand every night at the image of her.
Not that night, tho.
The girl was sitting on the yellow couch, Taeyong’s arms around her shoulders and a lazy grin on her face. She didn’t like football, but the company was better than staying with her sorority colleagues. Doyoung watched her, the wide scared alike eyes moving along every movement she made, careful to not be caught by Taeyong. He observed her playful fingers, which was busy having a thumb war with Mark Lee, and the softness of the skin he wanted oh so badly to caress.
“Taeyong must be very dumb to not notice what happens between the two of you.” Taeil said, on a murmur that only the bunny boy could hear. He was caught in a surprise, the eyes blinking quickly as he moved the focus from the gorgeous girl to Taeil’s eyes.
“There’s nothing going on between us.” He shrugged and tried to look indifferent, and his friend would normally believe, if he wasn’t observing the glow on Doyoung’s eyes before. “Taeyong would probably kill me, Taeil.”
“Let’s see then.” Taeil answers and grins, and Doyoung feels the ground disappear from underneath his feet. He holds on tight on Taeil’s arms, the mouth repeatedly asking for him to shut up, but the only thing the older one does is smiling. “Y/N!”
When she looks at him, Mark finally locks her thumb and wins the war.
“Yes, Taeil?”
“It’s been three months since you’re a freshman now. Who’s your crush?”
The whole room grows quiet in a second. Jaehyun and Johnny stop arguing about the last can of beer, Yuta even lowers the volume of the television, Sicheng comes running from the kitchen and Taeyong looks at his sister, the left eyebrow lifted and a frown on his forehead.
“W-well,” she stammers when she realizes everyone is paying attention on her. Taeyong remove his arm from the embrace and crosses them above his chest, just waiting for her answer. “There’s one, actually.”
“Do we know him?” Mark asks, the seagull eyebrows furrowed and his eyes opened in anticipation.
“Is he in this room?” Yuta follows, sitting on the floor closer to her.
“Yes.” She says, resolute, and her eyes quickly searches for Doyoung’s. His lips are pressed in one line, he can almost picture what Taeyong would do to him, and he didn’t even touch her. “It’s Mark Lee, of course! Look at this cute boy, how could I not be in love with him?” She spills out, and the whole room breaths out flustered from her answer. She squeezes his cheeks with both hands and smiles with the silliness of the boy who thinks she’s being serious.
“Aish, Y/N! Don’t be like this, your brother will kill me!” He laughs and withdraw her hands from his cheeks, pulling the girl away.
“No, he won’t.” She looks at the pink haired boy, who still has the same suspicious traces over his face, and smiles that teasing smile that can make you squirm in your seat. “Because he has nothing to do with this, right, Tae?”
Taeyong finishes the liquid inside the beer can and rolls his eyes. She laughs and peppers little kisses on his sharp cheeks, leaving her sitting right away.
“I’ll buy you more beer since you’ve been such a good boy.” She says and slides her jacket on, ready to leave as he nods. She twists on her foot and fits Doyoung’s curious eyes, and an idea crosses her frisky mind. She smirks, he already knows she’s going to provoke him. “Doyoung darling, would you come with me?”
He is startled by the audacity of the girl and amused by the scene. She rises an eyebrow, waiting for his answer, and he looks over Taeyong.
“Don’t leave my sister alone, Kim. Just go.”
“What are you doing, Y/N?”
Doyoung can’t stand it anymore. He is alone with her for not even twenty minutes and his mind is going to hell already, the teasing little girl manages to touch him and bend down once in a while just to pick the beer cans on the lowest shelf and Doyoung sincerely doesn’t give a fuck about Taeyong anymore.
She lifts, the questioning expressions marking her face. He knows she is acting and she knows he knows, it’s part of her game. She leaves the last cans on the supermarket trolley and her hands rest on her waist, waiting for an explanation.
“I am shopping…”
Doyoung rolls his eyes and grabs her pulse, bringing her close. She is startled by the sudden contact, but her eyes never leaves his gaze and her breathing is still unremitting. The girl knows she reached his edge, she just wasn’t sure if it was a good or a bad thing right now.
“Stop teasing me, I beg you.” He says slowly, between teeth, but his eyes doesn’t fit hers anymore. His globes are focusing on her mouth, never so closer like this to his, and he forgets for a moment why he brought her close like this. “You know this can’t work out.”
“I’m not doing anything, Doyoung.” She shrugs and grins, her eyes falls to his mouth too. She can’t deny that she likes the way he is holding her, really different from the cute and pure boy image he carries. “And I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I am talking about you being all touchy and provocative.” He tightens the grip, their bodies coming closer. “Teasing your brother’s best friend, how low are you?”
“You haven’t seen nothing yet, baby.” She teases and leans forwards, brushing her lips on his jaw and pulling away. “I can be a lot lower.”
“Just stop, please.”
And he leaves her. He knows that if he stays close longer he will do something that he’ll regret later, and starts to move towards the cashier. He can listen to her footsteps coming after him, and silently starts to put the beer cans on the balcony.
“Let’s make a bet, then.”
She suddenly says, surprising both Doyoung and the cashier, and both of them fits her. The smirk on her face couldn’t hide her intentions, it was not an innocent bet and he knew about this when he agreed with the deal. Doyoung was a coward who needed an apology to get what he wanted and didn’t have courage to chase, and her following sentences were the perfect excuse.
“If Chelsea wins today, I’ll leave you alone and never tease you again.” There was no smirk or smile anymore, she was serious like if she was closing a multimillionaire deal. “But if Manchester wins, you’re going to have to swim naked on the pool of the campus or tell Taeyong you want to fuck me, I’m cool with both of them.”
Doyoung could not fail to laugh of that ridiculous bet. But yet still he shakes hand with her, the deal was real and he was sure there was no way Chelsea could lose.
But that’s not what happened. They were back at the fraternity, his wide eyes watched when Manchester scored the last point and the game was over, he was so sure to win this bet he didn’t even think which of the two options was less worse. He raises his eyes, she is already looking at him with that cocky smile and a blink, laughing with her brother as if he wasn’t ready to be killed by the slender pink haired boy.
He pulls her out and murmurs low.
“Does anybody else but you need to see me swimming naked?”
“Oh I’m so disappointed!” She laughs and Doyoung shots her a glare. “I could swear you would prefer to talk with my lovely brother.”
“Come on, Y/N.” He pointed the door with his jaw, not looking at her with a friendly face.
“Not now, Doyoung.” She shook her head, she tries to hide but the smirk jumps on her lips. “You don’t want anybody to see you, right? We’ll go after midnight.”
Doyoung couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t excited for midnight to come. And the hours seemed to drag down the clock, as the night fell the campus seemed to be more and more full. He wanted to take a risk and see how things would turn into, he wanted to forget his fears and just spend some enjoyable time with her, appreciating her beautiful smile and acid phrases.
One by one, the boys started to fall asleep, carried away by their drunken dreams and tired bodies, the campus started to empty and the clock ticked one a.m. She didn’t say anything, silently lifting from the armchair and walking away from the house. He knew where she was going and she didn’t have to say it out loud, he just naturally followed her.
The pool wasn’t far away from the fraternities and sororities houses, they just had to walk some good five minutes. Doyoung looked around, the surroundings of the sports center, where the pool was, seemed empty enough for him, the weather nice enough for not freezing once he was inside its clear water.
“Whenever you’re ready, baby.” She said, the mischievous smile lingering on her lips as she take off her sandals and sat on the marble floor, close to the borders of the pool.
The boy deep breathed, his faltering fingers grasped the sheath of the black shirt and pulled it off, showing his pure white skin. The next one to go were his shoes, which he throwed to the floor along with his shirt and her sandals. Now, Doyoung only had his denim on, and the black pearled eyes shot her a glare. He didn’t think he would ever be ashamed of being naked in front of a girl before, but there she was, Lee Y/N, his ultimate desire completely surrendered to him, watching as he undressed, and she seemed absorbed.
His fingertips unbuttoned the oversized belt and slid it off, instantly feeling the release of the thigh leather. She didn’t even blink, Doyoung stripping was her own personal show and she didn’t want to lose any second of it, the eyes almost popping out of her face when he unbuttoned and unzipped the denim, his fingers dragging it down.
Kim Doyoung was right there, dressed only on his black boxers, under her sights and she was craving for a touch. It didn’t matter where, if it was on his face or his crotch, but she wanted to touch him. Saliva filled her mouth as she started to water, her nails scratching the skin of the palm of her hands, on a desperate and unsuccessful plan to control her desire. But then, she reminded: he had to swim naked.
One of her eyebrows pulled up and crossed her arms upon her chest.
“Isn’t one piece missing?” she asks, obviously knowing the answer, with a cocky smile growing in her lips.
“Don’t be mean, Y/N.” he begs, both of his eyebrows glued together on a cute frown. “It’s already embarrassing enough.”
“I said naked, and a bet is a bet.” she shrugs, her expressions turning disdainful. “Let me see what you hide there, Kim.”
Is this the tenth sigh Doyoung let go today? He wasn’t counting anyways, but he let another one go. He tried not to overthink and his big hands dragged his boxers down, rapidly turning his back to her and walking inside the pool. The students knew they weren’t supposed to swim there unless they were on the swimming team, it wasn’t quite safe to go in because the university couldn’t afford for a life saver, but that didn’t mean they didn’t swim. Actually, it was a ritual to make freshmen take a dive in its deep waters. Once his man’s parts where fully covered, he looked back at her.
“So, how much do I have to stay in?” he asked, feeling the cold water turn his temperature down. “And how is that entertaining for you?”
“It was more entertaining before, now I am bored.” she shrugged again, looking at him under hooded eyes. “I guess it would be funnier if the guys were around.”
“Then why don’t you come in with me?” he suggests, and walks closer to her again, supporting his chin on the marble floor. “It’s not so cold.”
A short laugh leaves her mouth and she looks away, over the buildings on the horizon.
“I think it’s better for both of us if I stay here.”
Maybe it was the cold water turning his senses down, maybe he was just thinking straight for the first time since she was around, but Doyoung though it wouldn’t be so catastrophic if something happened between them. Of course he had to respect Taeyong, but she was an grown up woman and as far as he knew she wanted him too. She was the one who got all flirty with him whenever they were alone, she was the one who always acted suggestive and teased him. Why should he suppress his desire, if it was her desire too?
“What are you thinking about, Kim?”
Her low voice brings him back from his daydreaming, and he blinks quickly and focus on her again. He smiled, that tender smiles that melts our cold hearts, and shook his head.
“Nothing specific, Lee.” He deep breathed again, gaining courage to do what he had to do. Doyoung went out of the water and sat by her side, his feet swaying inside the water and his eyes fitting her as she observed the image like a mirror created by the waters of the pool. She was quiet, not teasing, and thoughtful. Too much for his own liking. “What about you?”
“I was thinking about you and me, Doyoung.” She finally looks at him, the lips curving in a cute little smile. She hugs her legs against her chest and lays her head on her knees. “I was imaging all the things I would do to you when you finally give up and stay with me.”
The boy had to laugh. She would never stop being that teasing little prick she was, and he was happy about it.
“Let’s go back, you must be cold.” She suggests, and before she moves any muscles Doyoung’s big hand holds on her pulse. The freshman always had a thing for Doyoung’s hands, they were full filled with huge veins and long fingers, so big she wondered if they could touch her cervix. He held her with such possessiveness, his slender white fingers around her pulse bringing her closer to him, almost straddling him. She couldn’t help but let a confused frown take her expressions. “What are you doing, Doyoung?”
“Did you know you have such beautiful lips, Y/N?” His hand came to cup her cheeks, his thumb brushing against the fleshy lips of her as he constantly looked at them. “You’re all beautiful, but these lips of yours…” The digit pressed against the skin, lightly, a sigh leaving her throat. “I have to control myself everyday for not ignoring everything and just kiss you as I wanted to.”
“I don’t understand what holds you back.” Her hand comes to hold his, not allowing him to leave the fine touching she craved so bad. Her lips painted in pink pressed a kiss against his thumb, sending an electric current down his blood flow. “I know you want me, Doyoung. And you can have me.”
Doyoung’s mind went blank once his lips were pressed against her. It wasn’t fireworks or a pink sky under a rainbow that crossed his thoughts, it wasn’t candies or lollipops. He just didn’t think, his feelings and rationality went numb and all he did was responding to her movements. He couldn’t believe himself kissing her, the object of his silent devotion, the muse of his arts, the reason why he didn’t sleep at night, and he surely felt like an inexperienced teenager having his first contact with a woman. The tip of her reddish tongue touched his under lip and the touch seemed to waken his senses up. His hand let go of her pulse and grabbed her waist, the mouth opened up and his teasing tongue met hers, their genes meeting and turning into one. He surely couldn’t think of anything better than kiss her right now.
The girl was dripping in eagerness. She dreamt of kissing him for so long and know she wasn’t sure if it was everything she expected. They were both on a state of disbelief, wondering to themselves why did it took so much time for them to finally do this, exploring each other’s touch and kiss as if it was the last of their lives.
But she was insatiable. Being this close to Doyoung wasn’t health, and it seemed like the earth underneath their bodies started to heat. Her quick hands moved to touch his torso, the fingers feeling his texture and every imperfection he had, his naked skin calling for her touch. What a great idea she had, because Doyoung’s hand pulled her to straddle him, clothes against skin.
Soon enough, breath started to miss, and clothes started to feel like a burden. It was not a kiss Doyoung wanted anymore, he wished to consume everything she had to give, and she was eager to attend his demand. It wasn’t just now that his little friend started reacting, brushing itself against her inner thigh, sending a shy remind to her that it needed a little attention too. But once her touch started going lower, Doyoung’s kiss split.
“W-we should go back, Y/N.” He stammered, struggling to keep his eyes opened. Her mouth kissed his jawline and reached for his neck, marking his skin with bites and heated kisses until he moaned softly. “We shouldn’t do that in public.”
“Shut up, Doyoung.” She ordered, holding his face with one hand, making his eyes open up for her. The girl smirked, dragging her core against his crotch, bouncing on his lap. It seemed like the blood of his body rushed to his half hardened member, which grew to its full length, pulsating between her movements. She quickly grabbed it, before he could even realize what was going on, and teased the tip. “Otherwise you’re giving yourself blue balls.”
Doyoung couldn’t even think straight right now. All those months finishing himself on bad hand jobs thinking about her couldn’t even compare to her bare touch on his heated flesh. He suddenly forgot he could lose his scholarship if they were caught when she started moving her hand up and down.
Her free hand came to his shoulder, slightly pushing his upper body to lay against the marble. He was already eager for what was coming next, feeling her kisses coming down his collarbones to his chest and down his belly. She was looking at him through her lashes, the firm grip around his dick pumping him at a steady rhythm, her teasing tongue touching the tip of his head. He had to bite his lips to provide a moan to leave his body, too hypnotized to look away.
She licked his head with devotion, like a kitten uses its tongue to drink milk, before actually sucking it. His eyes rolled backwards, she started sucking slowly and engulfing more of his length, and Doyoung had to sustain his body up on his elbows to keep watching her. He wanted to look inside her eyes when she swallowed every single drop of cum when he came.
Y/N started bobbing her head, swallowing his length as much as she could, the head touching the throat tissue. His palms pressed against the floor, nails hurting the marble every time she pulled away from his hard member and teased the tip with circular movements of her tongue. How could she be such a tease even in a moment like that?
His head tilted back and he moaned loudly, she could feel Doyoung’s cock twitch and throb on her mouth, but it wasn’t time to let him cum. Not yet.
She wanted him to cum inside her.
He felt empty when her lips left his warmth, the slender lips coming to kiss his mouth. One leg at each side of his body, his trembling hands dragging themselves over her body and bringing her dress with it. He didn’t care about Taeyong, his scholarship, the possible porn tape somebody could record of them, or anything. All he cared about was burying himself deep inside her folds.
Doyoung took control, holding her pulses and changing positions. Now she was laying underneath him, looking beautiful bathed by the moonlight and darkness, and he couldn’t be more sure of what he was doing. This wasn’t just a case where he would fuck a girl just because he wanted to, it was the girl he been dreaming about the last months. His prohibited desire, his hidden love affair.
“You have no idea how long I’ve been expecting for this moment.” He whispers, his lips rushing to kiss her neck. Doyoung pinned both of her hands over her head, keeping it locked under one of his hand, while the other one travelled south, over the knots on her abdomen until it reaches her core. “To touch you like this.” He pressed one digit against her bound of nerves, making slow circular movements. “To have your skin on my lips like this.” And a bite on her neck, pressing a long kiss after.
“Y-you could’ve had me earlier.” She answers, the eyes covered with lust and anticipation. She could get her pulses free anytime she wanted, but the idea of being fucked without being able to touch was interesting. Her nails scratched the skin of his hand, Doyoung nips her clitoris taking a yelp out of her and inserts two digits inside her entrance. She is soaking wet, ready for him, but it’s his time to tease her. “D-doyoung!”
“What do you want, Lee?” This time, Doyoung’s fingers leave her with a whine. He smirks, his looks pierced on the figure of the girl with closed eyes underneath him. “Tell me.”
“You inside me.”
She answers in a ghost of voice, and he looses no time. After hearing what he wants, he grasps his hard like rock cock and teases her entrance with his pinky head, forcing it inside her folds slowly so she can get used to him. She bites her lips, Doyoung starts to pump his lithe inside her, his forehead glued against hers.
She was thigh and her walls clenched around him, murmuring indecipherable sounds in each thrust, asking him for velocity. So he attended her wishes, rocking his hips against her opened thighs increasing his quickness, the sounds of skins and her moans filling the air. He couldn’t even describe the sensation, his dick going hard against her guts and the girl underneath him completely absorbed into his control. He lowed his head, his lips leaving a glowing path of wet kisses in the gap of her breasts as he dives into pleasing her right boob, his faltering teeth nipping the aureole.
Eventually, he let her hands freely, and she run them against the skin of his back. Her nails scratching his large shoulders, going down to his spine, making him quiver. Even though there was nobody in the sports center, she felt the constant need to keep quiet, her teeth going harsh against the skin of her lips as he played with her boobs.
In any other situation, they could’ve listened the footsteps getting closer and closer. But again, in any other situation, they wouldn’t mind about someone coming to the park. Doyoung’s digit teases her clit, no worries about moaning and groaning filled their heads when the boys of Phi Phi Lambda walked into their vision field. Loud laughs and gasps of surprise created a cloud of sound, and only in that moment they realized they were being watched.
Well, it was late. A pink haired boy watched incredulous when Doyoung pulled away from her, her hands trying to cover something as her cheeks grew red in shame.
“I am going to kill you, Kim Doyoung.”
#kim doyoung#doyoung#kim doyoung nct#nct doyoung#kim doyoung smut#doyoung smut#doyoung fluff#kim doyoung fluff#kim doyoung scenarios#kim doyoung scenario#doyoung scenario#doyoung scenarios#kim doyoung smut scenario#kim doyoung smut scenarios#nct smut#nct fluff#nct smut scenario#nct smut scenarios#taeyong#mark#yuta#sicheng#winwin#jaehyun#johnny#jaeyong#taeil#moon taei#nct au#fratboy!au
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The NHK Trophy Queue
Anonymous said:
Omg, just watched NHK men’s. This discipline is out of control this season. I have never seen predictions go so wrong, but the France is coming and looks like a mess already. So, your thoughts on what we shall see?
I don’t have any prediction for the rest of the GP Series for the men right now. To be honest I’m kind of tuning out from that side of the field. The ladies’ is proving to be a much fiercer competition this season. Higher quality, too… If only the judging could be upheld to the same standard that the girls are skating with, but I guess that’s too much to ask.
Anonymous said:
people are saying evgenia shouldn’t have won nhk because of her falls and i don’t know enough about skating yet so just wanted to ask what your thoughts are?
I made the same point back in CoR and I will repeat it one last time: you can’t say a skater doesn’t deserve to win just because they fell. If you want to disapprove anyone’s win you have to back it up with a comprehensive analysis of BV, GOE, and PCS, and benchmark it against the performance of the rest of the competitors.
My very short opinion, since it’s the same old, same old: is Janny over-scored? Yes. Did she deserve to win NHK? Yes.
Anonymous said:
I just heard the news and the first thing I did was run here. Thank you for lending us your lawn *wails*
*wail together with you*
Anonymous said:
I woke up at 3:25 am today to be able to see Yuzuru… now I’m wallowing in the corner crying salty, salty tears… *sniff*
Come cry together with us on my lawn, dear.
@serikio said:
I also sold one of my kidneys for Milan so I hope to see Yuzu there or God help me I’m going with you to Toronto and we’ll find him. Anyway I’m very sad I can’t see him in the final,could have been his fifth victory. But well it’s okay this way I don’t want another CoC 2014. Get better soon Yuzu! *joins the group hug*
After I’m out of this stupor of shock I’m setting up a standby action group for the ambushing and shaving of Yuzuru Hanyu’s head should the unthinkable happen.
*pull you in for the group hug*
Anonymous said:
i can’t believe i literally cried over this when i only started liking fs this season. the thought of yuzu crying is what breaks me the most. i only want him crying if it’s with happy tears like when he won worlds. and GPF is also near his bday!! huhu rip his gpf streak :(( i also feel sad for whoever will win, for sure there will be people who will downplay their achievement cause chan hanyu and javi are not there. TT I DID NOT EXPECT MY FIRST SEASON TO BE LIKE THIS HUHU WHYYY
FS is a difficult sport to follow and loving Yuzuru Hanyu does not make it any easier by any stretch of the imagination. I’m sorry this has to happen to you in your first season, dear. But as someone who’s been lurking in this space for a bit longer, I can tell you, it’s worth it. Keep believing in Yuzu, he won’t let you down!
Anonymous said:
this is my first season and now i’m just 😢 sending everyone (and yuzu 😭) hugs and positive thoughts!
Thank you! Yuzuru will be fine, he has gone through all of this before, he knows how to deal with it. So we will be fine, too, eventually.
@whishawbendragon said:
I’m trying to figure out exactly what went wrong with that 4Lz. Did he not have enough speed going into it, did he not get enough height, did he go too far off axis when he was in the air? I can’t stop thinking about it, I hope that he’s resting and recovering and is back on the ice soon, my heart has been aching for since yesterday morning. 😭
I’m too much of a chicken to go and have another look at that 4Lz so I can’t tell with 100% certainty, but from what I saw of his 4Lz at CoR, I think the key issue might be the size of that jump. His 4Lz is massive, like batshit crazy massive, probably the biggest figure skating jump I ever see. That plus his insane rotational speed mean that it’s a very tough jump to control. If he doesn’t have his full focus and pay utmost attention to his body balance and in-air axis and his knee bend on the landing, awful things can happen, like they did. Also, that day during the practice he was obviously not in his best shape. I mean, just the day before that he was in bed with a fever. Doing that 4Lz in that condition was too risky of a move…
I, just, why, Yuzu, why?
I also hope he’s resting now and allows his body the time it needs to recover.
Anonymous said:
do you think yuzu’s gonna drop the 4lz? do you think he should?
Yes I think he should drop the 4Lz, mainly because that jump is very taxing on his right foot. Moreover, as I’ve been saying from the very beginning of this season, he doesn’t need a 4Lz in his layout. He can do a 5-quad layout with just the quad toe, Salchow, and loop. Not to mention, he doesn’t even need a 5-quad FS to win events and break records.
Do I think he will drop the 4Lz? I honestly don’t know if he will choose to follow reason or pride, he’s Yuzuru Hanyu, after all. I can only hope that whatever his decision, he is mindful of all the pros and cons that comes with it, and pick a path that will not lead him to regret.
Anonymous said:
ive been looking forward to nhk all week bc. yuzu!! satton!!! caro!! but then. yuzu. satton. shit.
You are not alone, my friend. I’m very sad for Satton, too…
Anonymous said:
i had the most shitty day ever. i found out last night that yuzu was injured and spent the whole night and whole morning fretting. i woke up for school this morning and barely had time to see the last girls skate before school started and got sad about satton:( then just before lessons i raced online to look up yuzu’s status. and. you know:/ and wanted to cry. then got back 3 tests that were less than ideal. and. just. i have such a shitty day im. ugh. zhenya was the best thing tbh:((
Talking to you guys who are still in school makes me happy I’m done with all that homework and testing. I was spacing out at work too throughout the whole ordeal and I snapped at everyone who dared approaching me. I think I permanently scared a new girl away from me. Oh well… I’ll buy her a coffee next week or something.
Anonymous said:
Janny had tape on her legs and appeared to be limping a bit after her SP…I can’t have another one withdraw! I can’t! 😭
Janny is also dealing with some damage to her lateral ligaments. It is almost the exact same injury Yuzu has. I, just, what’s going on? Why is life being shitty to my babies?
On that note, I can proudly declare myself 100% a fan of the Evgenia Medvedeva now. The way she powered herself through that grilling FS was utterly incredible.
*cries*
Anonymous said:
I just had a thought… Yuzuru withdrew from the competition proper, but we know that he WAS able to do a jump-less skate after he fell. What are the chances of him skating in the exhibition gala? We don’t actually know the specific severity of the injury, do we? Lateral ligament sprains can range from mild tearing to complete rupturing (which, from evidence, I don’t THINK is the case). Maaan, I’m trying to study for an exam but I can’t stop thinking about Yuzu. This GP season is so fucked. :’(
No, usually a skater wouldn’t join the gala if they withdraw from the competition. And Yuzuru really needs all the rest he can have now to recover.
We won’t see any performance from him again until maybe Japan Nationals in December, and keep in mind that it’s still a maybe at this stage. Let’s give him the time and space he needs and let’s keep hoping for a speedy and full recovery.
Anonymous said:
Will Yuzuru not get a replacement assignment????
No, them’s the rules. That and even if he does get a ticket to any GP, he won’t be able to make it anyway in his current state.
Anonymous said:
What happend to Yuzu?? Can someone please explain this to me????
This is a summary of what happened, and this is the last update we’ve got. I’d highly recommending following @wherespacepooh to get all the latest news.
#replies#yuzuru hanyu#evgenia medvedeva#sorry for the short answers guys#i'm still too numb right now
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so yesterday i finished all for the game for the second time in my life (weird thing i've never read a book or series twice) and it wrecked me for the second time. it was unexpectedly nice that i actually understood everything with so much clarity, but that makes sense i've got lot of practice in reading english since then. also, i wrote my thoughts on the book this time.
i can't understand how a book can have such an impact on me, i hate that and i love it, everything else that crossed my mind is under the cut
★huh andrew really bullied aaron into dressing identical to mess up with neil
★"i don't swing either way" is the phrase that made me feel more valid that the whole queer community ever
★neil is pure nihilism
★how can i EVER forget neil wore a tight long sleeved TORN tshirt that andrew bought this is way too much
★seth is dead and all kevin can think about is the line up tbh i do that often
★they are making a scandal about how they sit
★kevin telling neil "destroy him" filled me with power
★the most unreal part is neil ALWAYS keeping his roots another colour the guy must dye his hair every fucking week
★how did neil buy andrew's promise to protect him from the japanese mafia's professional murderers when the only people he physically bullies is an obsessive young adult with anxiety, a princess in high heels and his sunshine sister in law
★wait a fucking minute andrew saw neil filled with terror while holding the phone and immediately gave him the car keys so he could be alone fuck
★nicky fucking hemmick attended to improv class
★ according to dan few athletes were crude enough to start trouble at an ERC event, you mean as crude as neil?
★how to take care of your teammate while he's in a crisis according to: andrew→show concern and reassure him. wymack→10 seconds of vodka
★"hey, jean. jean valjean" is peak comedy
★the ravens walking in v formation is genuinely the most cringy thing you can think of
★neil first finds out the only possible person to date him is andrew because he was jealous of renee are you kidding me
★andrew only missed 13 from 150 shots on goal for fucking real what a Man
★renee is an angel, she's specifically andrew's angel
★neil truly is a watcher
★bee wearing a bee costume is the only good thing on this world
★dan and matt dressed like greek gods!!!!! they can adopt me already
★can you believe nicky is the one who got into neil's brain and planted the idea of realying on someone, and since then neil actively pursues an investigation on andrew's relationship status how on god's name i missed that HOW he's not even subtle about it damn
★he first worries about renee now about kevin goddamn it josten how can't you se how much you care about him
★it's funny how sexuality is such a heavy topic between them when they sure as fuck have some pretty huge stuff going on you know like dying in the hands of the mafia or being tortured
★i imagine andrew running to renee all bonkers like "listen if the cute guy asks, for fucks sake tell him i'm gay but make it ~casual~ maybe this way he'll get it"
★the sole mention of thanksgiving dinner makes me want to die
★kevin is checking the scores in a newspaper I forget this book is so 00's
★they should have spent the day eating turkey and frozen pie at abby's fuckkkkkkkk
★are you kidding me they are in the middle of a conversation and andrew casually chokes neil a little but it's ok they carry on wtf
★"we are all going to regret this" is the fucking worse piece of foreshadowing in this book
★neil interrogating andrew the same night he was raped what kind of fucking piece of shit does that
★i can't fucking believe neil went ahead and shoved andrew's hand under his tshirt in front of kevin, wymack, betsy and two fucking lawyers are you kidding me
★neil asking "are we? friends?" to nicky is so relatable because i also would have an aneurysm if someone told me i am their friend
★someone else tries to flirt with him and he immediately considers andrew how i was too ace to see it the first time i read
★jesus fucking christ riko is one truly fucked up sociopath and neil is the bravest motherfucker on the land
★how can he face riko like that in the nest and be extremely pure in other occasion
★"are we watching the ball drop? i want to make a wish" he wants to make a wish and i want to die thanks
★i can't believe the whole if it means losing you then no and side effect of the drugs shit it's unreal fucking unreal how oblivious neil is too ace to realize anything SOMEONE JUST CALLED YOU "DREAM" THE LEVEL OF ROMANTICISM
★the amount of heavy staring in this trilogy is ridiculous and all i can think about is twilight
★these books made me see how far from the 00s we are, for many reasons, but mostly for some jokes that can't let slide; like calling neil a battered wife, domestic misogynistic violence is not a joke
★i can't believe from all people, wymack was the first one to get andrew was into neil
★"that doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you" is such a funny phrase to be said casually why is it
★"you are a racoon, not a fox" oh andrew
★it only took andrew admitting he had a crush for neil to be all sentimental and shit, and that disarmed andrew too
★they are like some kind of animal that while you think they are fighting, they are actually mating, that's exactly what nora meant with feral
★half of last book is neil mooning over andrew jfc
★nicky made neil smile while distracting him from riko im gonna throw myself off a cliff
★i can't quite believe neil goes through a detailed monologue about andrews memory the man is impressed and borderline turned on about every talent on his crushe's shelf
★i literally can't follow and will never understand the quarrel/promise/agreement between aaron and andrew what a bunch of pretentious idiots
★every time neil's phone buzzes all i fear is the fucking countdown
★i thought "i want to see you lose control" was a collective fever dream i can't believe it's written on the books
★if i was nicky i already have told andrew to stop his freaky pretentious shit towards me
★neil to the upperclassman: ha ha fellas is it gay to unthinkingly call andrew in the middle of a anxiety breakdown
★"you gave me a key and called it home" is as soft as heartbreaking i want to jump off a cliff
★"i won't be like them, i wont let you let me be" is actually pushing me off that cliff andrews feelings are a fucking storm
★neil was kidnapped and tortured the day of my bday and that's not a coincidence
★neil's talent to twist the truth in order to convince andrew of anything is outstanding
★excuse me they have no right to be this soft i hate them
★they miss so many opportunities to be funny about the whole "protection" thing
★did he really had a mental breakdown over where to fucking sit on the bus lmao
★"don't come crying to me when someone breaks your face" is the second most awful piece of foreshadowing
★lets be honest for a second andrew should be a fucking writer because all those things he says? edgy myspace pretentious poetry
★im sorry but i don't care about literally anything except neil smiling onto andrew's neck bye
★andrew ghosted a kiss across neil's hip im dead for real
★abby kissed neil's forehead farewell after cleaning all his injuries i have no words he's recieving all the affection he deserves
★cant believe you don't see aaron is fucking worried neil is taking advantage of andrew
★i mean yeah ok don't talk love but neil is sad that nicky thinks it was only hate sex, and he immediately acknowledged it meant more than that to him bc his demi btw wtf does hate sex mean i can't believe you hate someone so much you wanna suck his dick
★they all went horseback riding when will i have a group of friends like that
★"who's humanising who in that relationship" i know right nicky
★kevin locking himself to have a panic attack is the most relatable thing
★the car encounter with ichirou holds the same tension as a mr robot scene
★the proposal of playing olympics and being unstoppable feels like marriage or smth
★neil is literally having his hot girl summer
★i adore neil's overflow of emotions after swallowing everything for so many years. represented, thanks.
★andrew terrorising katelyn who the fuck does he think he is what an annoying asshole
★"did you know i've never been skiing" is the most epic line
★i cheer to the sole mention of laila
★alvares can deck me right now and i would say thank you
★"war is profitable" aaron knows what's up
★sometimes i want to slap them is2g
★that scene at eden's where they are all discussing how roland found out and aaron ends up being the only straight one lmao boy it's your punishment for being so homophobic
★the whole "deadliest piece on the board" spech is 100 times better when you consider kevin was wasted and overly exaggerating every word and gesture
★can you imagine those few fans supporting kevin's new tattoo screaming YAAAAASSSSS QUEEEEEEEEEN while snapping fingers i'm cackling
★matt in court body slamming into anyone that's been a problem to the foxes: VIBE CHECK MOTHERFUCKER
★neil kissed andrew in castle fucking evermore the audacity i adore him
#the foxhole court#the raven king#the kings men#all for the game#tfc#it really fucking wrecked me#how can a fucking book do this to me#my thoughts
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jesus buddy, if you wanted to know more about me just friend me somewhere and talk to me facebook,discord,overwatch,psn, snapchat w.e! haha i dont bite!
also this is gonna be really feckin long
1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.
How to train your dragon (1 and 2 i can’t decide) I fucking LOVE dragons. the idea to fucking ride one in the sky?!?! fucking DOPE. the idea that theyre also SCALY DOGS?!?!? MOTHER.FUCKING.DOPE. i just associate the idea of freedom with flying through the sky and that feeling was conveyed really well in that movie so i really loved it!
2: Talk about your first kiss.
honestly? kinda dumb now that i look back on it. it was a peck, i wasn’t even like mentally prepared and it happened way faster than i thought. If i knew it was going to happen i would have really like milked that fucker. i woulda went romance movie on that shit with all the extra shit like groping and weird inhaling noises and kissing so hard your teeth almost clink together. but yknow coulda woulda shoulda
3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.
theyre not a part of my life anymore which admittedly fucking sucks but i think its for the better at least for them. do i wish it worked out and we were together? i mean yeah duh, the reasons i fell for them don’t fucking disintegrate/ i just have more information than i had when i first met that person. will i actually actively pursuit them in the chance to be with them again? hell no. i’m tired. and i’ve seen enough “ self confidence” posts on here to think “ hey if someone really wanted me in their life they would go out of their way to do so and seeing as they haven’t even messaged me in god knows how long then its safe to say theyre off being happy
4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.
man i haven’t seen this person is literally almost 20 years. I need to apologize. or at the very fucking least, see how theyre been doing. its driving me mad just trying to picture how theyre living and just coming up with a giant question mark.
5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.
lets be real bro most of my birthdays have been shit so i gave up on tryna make them memorable or fun, ‘s just another day to me. i mean the best one would have to be this one time i got a gameboy advance but thats pretty much it
6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.
yknow how everyone says “ OH MY GOD WE SHOULD KEEP IN TOUCH” once you move? yeah thats bullshit. honest to god bullshit. i kept tabs on everyone when i moved to a different city and when i came down to visit for my birthday inviting all those people who supposed “wanted to keep in touch with me” literally 1 person showed up. and i think they only showed up because our parents were friends too. so yeah. fuck people sometimes.
7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.
hygiene. breath, hair, clothes, eating habits, manners, anything that might make me come off as unclean to people im trying to impress drives me off the fucking wall. specially at formal events. if im wearing snazzy clothing at like a suite 16 or a debut or a wedding bet you $100 that im adjusting little aspects of my appearance every like 15 seconds. eating mints the second one is finished, trying not to be too close to someones face when talking, even when i fucking fart i always take note of which way the wind is blowing, or im sitting down on something that can absorb the stench, how much pressure is in my gut and how much of it can i let out in small bursts to avoid sound. that or asian dick syndrome. yknow. haha asians got a small dick? that kinda shit bugs me a bit. not a ton but more than i thought it would
8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.(i am literally only 8 questions in and my fingers are a little sore from typing)
my singing and impressions? i once scared some friends when i imitated a party blower kazoo thingy since the ones they bought from the dollarstore didnt make any sound. same as my singing, i tend to get high scores and i impressed my cousins once with a perfect score on a backstreet boys song HEH
9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.
my biceps? theyre not like chris hemsworth level of meaty but like when i worked at this physically demanding job my coworkers are like “ woah dude ur arms are different from mine, if you worked out theyd look so ripped” that kinda stuck with me for a while specially knowing they were a football jock and they had their own special diet and fitness instructor or something. i also like my smile/ jaw shape? my hair can look pretty good too sometimes
10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.
my family is very passive aggressive oh and racist
11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.
i once had this dream where i had reallllly passionate sex and it felt real and i could feel like every little detail down to like hairs brushing my skin on my arms and shit. i swear to this day it was a modern day succubus or something
12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.
that dream where i was a bird and flying away from”something” just all my instincts telling me to RUN. or that dream where i got shot in the hand, chest then the head and before i blacked out i said “Ch*****” who incidentally i was going to see later that day which made things very awkward at least for me
13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.
it was pretty good. looking back i was probably shit in bed hahaha first time so of course theres shit to work out.
14: Talk about a vacation.
hit on by a cousin AND their gay friend. to which the cousin threatened me with self harm but the gay friend took the rejection very easily it was almost baffling in comparison (although the second the settled down they started to bash on me for rejecting their friend) also ate some REALLLLLY garlic covered crab the smell took 5 washes to get out… also got to ride in the back of a truck as its driving at like 120 mph and flying off all these little hills and tracking mud everywhere it was great
15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.
she was in my arms fast asleep and i took a photo. she didnt like that but let me keep the pic so that was nice.
16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.
i can’t really remember any that stand out they were all equally fun. dont get me wrong some were super fun its just that it was also followed by a lot of bad choices that kinda take it down a notch. i will say this one party a friend hosted where i got to meet a BUNCH of new people. i also snorted some fundip powder as a dare. they refuse to let it go so i figure might as well own it. i also landed some sweet shots in beerpong
17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.
ellen paige would be dope to be friends with. same with zendaya. and gal gadot just so i can like sit in her presence and be in awe for extended periods of time
18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.
i was cheating on a test and my so called friend ratted me out never talked to him again that white privilege lookin hoe
19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.
i stopped talking to a friend that id thought i would be friends with for my whole life. i also became friends with my current best friend
20: Talk about something that happened in high school.
people are dumb. drama is dumb. people who seek out this kinda shit needa leave me the hell alone. and if youre going to challenge me to a fight, tell me about said fight so i can show up. dont march around telling people ur gonna fight me and not tell me so i dont show up and make it look like i pussied out. like for real?
21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.
oh yeah like the vacation one said : shit got really weird. and to have that sorta conversation on spotty wifi in an airport in south korea meaning jet lag is also disorienting af
22: Talk about your worst fear.
death. nuff said
23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.
it sucked but it happens so like.? lmao i dont really know waht to say but it sucked
24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.
i have a horrible memory and on top of that my mind moves at like 32754895274 miles a second so i dont keep stuff in mind a lot in the first place. i can’t really think of anything that had so much impact that i’ve remembered it. well i mean there was this one song a friend told me about in a letter and to this day i’ve kept remembering the same verse “ maybe if we met each other under a different sky maybe things would be much better between you and i”
25: Talk about an ex-best friend.
we just….grew apart. and if we tried to be friends now im sure there would be tension and unease. hes just in a different friend circle. i dont hate him for it i just feel like hes living in a world of white and im living in a world of black like its just plain and simple
26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.
on the computer. i can’t rest when im sick. i just keep trudging along. school, work, hangouts, i still go. i just take precautions to not spread it
27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.
neck? shoulder? hands? face? hair? idk dood i don’t really like specific places more of how WELL those parts can mesh together to make this beautiful being.
28: Talk about your fetishes.
y’all about to learn some shit because im gonna teach you a thing about me. pov’s, deepthroat/gagging, emo/goth, anal, massage, ropes and power trips, asians, tentacles if im feeling kinky, hentai /cartoon shit, glory holes, dirty talk and asmr (who woulda thought theres porn for that huh?), ahegao(being fucked silly or till your mind breaks into being nothing but a cumdump), swallowing, threesomes, double penetration, latex is pretty cool too, cosplays are nice if the characters are ones i recognize, tittyfucks, source film maker porn of like video game characters are getting pretty professional nowadays, lesbian, orgys, teenage girls and old ass guys, horse dicks and girls who try to take em, i got turned on by a girl fucking a dog once so i guess bestiality is a thing, oh i saw this scene in a movie im not sure if it was real it seems kinda hazy but it involved necrophilia but im not sure if it turned me on or it was so weird i’ve memorized it because of how weird it was. chicks with dicks fucking other chicks. and a plethora of other weird shit. i dont know what fetishes count and what doesn’t so i just listed whatever came to mind as i wrote have fun with that shit
29: Talk about what turns you on.
short hair, asian heritage, playful and lighthearted but can be lustful as all hell, shorter than me, big boobs is a plus, mid driffs, underboob, small frame or face, scent( god if you smell good thats instant brownie points with me), likes anime, high pitch voices are cute as hell, very physically intimate, loves PDA’s, yeah i can’t really think of much
30: Talk about what turns you off.
uhh smells bad?, when their personality is bland/boring, or just shit. over timidness i get being shy but like if you can’t trust that the person youre interested in then like what am i supposed to do. i literally dated a girl who was so sheepish all i could do was ask her yes or no questions. and honestly that got old really fucking fast. i get she was trying but like i can only finesse so much of a relationship man. bad hygiene holy fuck. if you got like ear wax showin our ur ears, or like a bleeding pimple in plain view and refuse to at least dab it with a wet cloth or tissue then pls its not gonna work out. dandruff oh my gOD. dandruff would drive me nuts. like if i get close enough to see individual fucking flakes im gonna tear my whole scalp off
31: Talk about what you think death is like.
i feel like our bodies stop responding but our “souls” are still present there trapped screaming and trying to move our body but can’t. and thats why burials and shit sound so terrifying
32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.
dont need to. im a couple blocks away i can visit it any time. (my elementary and middle school the neighbourhood surrounding it was also where i used to live so that was dope)
33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.
i force myself to get MORE sad so i can get it all out in one go and much faster. like how the human mind can only get so angry that the brain gives up and just tries to find another way to spend its time.
34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.
when i was a kid me and bunch of other kids decided to clog a slide with just a shit ton of people and one of my friends who came after me kept pushing me to the point i was hanging on for dear life using only my knee down that was wedged between a fat kid and my friend who went after me. i fell off eventually knocking skulls with another kid near the end of the slide(this slide was shaped like a spring so that explains why there were kids under me) my arm bend backwards for a sec after hitting another kid’s legs, and then i fell chest and fast first on the asphalt winding myself. kids are rugged as all hell man they can really take a hit. i walked it off but god damn if i didnt get bruises and shit afterwards. or that time i got beaten so bad by father dearest because work was stressful and i ended up blacking out. wasn’t even allowed to go to the hospital. just kinda laid down in my room with bruises all over.
35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.
relying on people for happiness. distracting myself from sadness and responsibilities. procrastinating in general
36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.
i dont really feel guilt save for some specific circumstances. ask any of my friends. does that mean im a sociopath or whatever?
37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.
they just got out of a relationship with someone and was avoiding them profusely and i just started to get to know them. we got to the point that when she was ready we could date. little did i know that later, she would end up dating a friend of mine. to which i promptly had the appropriate reaction of crying myself to sleep, sending that friend a text message with all the things he should know to keep that girl happy and ultimately smashing a lot of things (some bottles actually because we were gonna build a sculpture or something together with em. man middle school was a fucking RIDE)
38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.
mmmmmm i would prefer to keep those underwraps.
39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.
family will be there for you in the end. (not because they want to but because the world teaches them that they have to meaning they will help just in their own way and to their own ends.) friends come and go. they always have always will. anyone who says forever is a fuckin idiot. lovers come and go thats just a natural part of growing up. and lets be real all the people that said they would self harm ultimately never did so dont stress it so much god damn(but dont let it slide either)
40: Talk about the end of something in your life.
how about the end of my interest in anime and video games. nothing seems to really interest me anymore. everything is just kinda “meh”
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GIMMIE ALL THE ANSWERS MY DUDE
Oh fuck off LMAO
1. Who is your defense main?Mei?? Junkrat??? I definitely have more hours on Junkrat lmao, but if we’re playing comp y’know I’m all about that gold gun Mei
2. Who is your support main?Imma go with Lucio, even though I play every healers at least decently, he’s my top played boy at what... 110 hours? from a flex players that’s a lot yknow
3. Who is your offense main?No thanks, I don’t have that much fun with DPS man, Pharah or Soldier are my best ones bc ez tbh LMAO
4. Who is your tank main?Trick question, all of them. I have the gold hammer but who doesn’t. Playing a shit ton of Winston too, have an impressive amount of hours on DVA and I am (was?? lmao) a solid hog. I play Zarya out of necessity in comp sometimes. Only one I don’t play is Orisa
5. Who is you MAIN main?Uh. IDK. Depends on if it’s QP or Comp. Like... Junkrat is in my top 3 most played and yet I never touched him in comp, etc. I just call myself a tank main ngl.... who has the most hours on Lucio I guess LMAO
6. Which character have you played the least?Orisa, then I think it’s Bastion, both under an hour
7. Which character do you want to learn how to play?Idk I’m pretty satisfied with my character pool, I GUESS a real decent dps but that’s lame
8. Which character do you dislike the most?Tracer whenever she talks tbh... Or Zarya but that’s just because I really don’t give a shit about Zarya
9. Which character’s background story do you like the most?Everyone knows it’s Hog lmfao, it’s so good dude like very little is said about it but at the same time there’s just so much and then so much more when you decide to really stop and think about it. Honorable mention @ winston too
10. Which character’s background story do you like the least?Hmmm there are quite a lot I just straight up find not interesting, Zarya, once again. Or like Pharah I’m so just... lukewarm about it lmfao. I know literally 96% of the fandom disagrees but idc
11. Which map is your favorite?King’s Row, Numbani, Eichenwalde... Hybrids maps my dude. Lijiang except control point. Also in QP, Anubis defense is the stupidest shit
12. Which map is your least favorite?Oasis & Route 66
13. What Arcade game type is your favorite?Mystery heroes lmaaaao
14. What Arcade game type is your least favorite?Total Mayhem is.... not fun
15. Do you prefer quick play, competitive, arcade mode, or custom games?QP is my go to, but I love comp, especially since I stopped caring
16. Which map type is your favorite? Assault, escort, assault & escort, control, or arena?Hybrids, ez. Then KOTH,
17. Which map type is your least favorite? Assault, escort, assault & escort, control, or arena?2CP tends to be pretty stale sometimes
18. Which event map was your favorite?Uprising is such an easy win. Fun PvE without getting repetitive like Halloween
19. Which event map reskin was your favorite?Christmas King’s Row, it was so pretty man. I also really really liked spooky Hollywoods. Holiday themed maps are just fun
20. Which event was your favorite?I think Halloween was the one I had the most fun honestly, not so much the event but the winposes matching and it was the first time a map got reskinned and I remember just going through the map with my friends while we were all freaking out about it
21. Which event legendary skin was your favorite?Cruiser D.Va, Bajie Hog, Ironclad Torb, Witch Mercy.
22. Which event was your least favorite?Summer Games was pretty.... ok? Idk the lucioball was fun but beside that it was aight at best. Or maybe the anniversary event but then again nah... cuz the emotes and skins were on point.
23. Which event legendary skin was your least favorite?I GUESS Null Sector Orisa because it takes away her face and expressions like... pls.... give the ^ ^ back
24. Which event non-legendary skin was your favorite?Mako Hog, Junker DVa, Sunyatta Zen, Deadlock Torb, Daredevil 76 :^)
25. Which event non-legendary skin was your least favorite?Goth Zarya probably LMAO even though I sometimes use them just because theyre so laughably bad. Young shimada bros ain’t great either IMO, but I use young Hanzo because I only play Hanzo as a joke and I like getting the potg with the highlight intro where his hair is just blocking his entire face
26. Which event item do you most regret not getting?Junkrat’s intro 8( and all the voicelines i forgot to buy.
27. Did you beat the Uprising event on Normal, Hard, Expert, and Legendary?Hard definitely, maybe expert? IDK I didnt especially try to get the achievements so idk
28. Do you have Sombra’s “Power Outage” achievement?Doubt it I don’t really play her
29. Do you have Widowmaker’s “Smooth as Silk” achievement?Yeah I remember I jumped off a roof while being chased by a reaper and just headshot him on the way down
30. Do you have Lucio’s “The Floor is Lava” achievement?Yeah, got it in comp on LiJiang it was great
31. Do you have Zenyatta’s “Rapid Discord” achievement?Yeah, Overtime Gibraltar is pretty fun
32. What was the first achievement you got? how the fuck do u expect me to remember this. The only achievement I clearly remember getting in the beta was junkrat one with the mine into trap thing but I know thats not the first
33. Did you get the “Not A Scratch,” achievement on Junkenstein’s Revenge?I dont think so
34. What has been the hardest achievement to get for you?Reaper solo kills lmfao
35. What’s your current SR score in Competitive Mode?Uuuh something around 2600? Idk I’ve been pretty bad LMAO especially since I get disconnects a lot :/ and also dont grind comp
36. What the highest you’ve been in Competitive?Diamond something like 3150 or so
37. What’s the most amount of placement matches you’ve won?7? Maybe?
38. How many gold guns do you have?Two, Rein and Mei
39. Which was the first gold gun you got?Big Hammer, bc it’s so obvious and I like smacking people with it
40. Whose gold gun do you currently want?I kind of always wanted the gold hook(tm) but now I’m not too sure with the nerfs :/ Maybe Winston LMAO
41. What role do you usually play in Competitive?Tank, or heals especially if its a KOTH map because of all these boops potentials
42. If you don’t play Competitive, why not?I do tho
43. What kind of theme event would you like to see in the future?Horrible beach party where no one has an actual revealing swimsuit save for roadhog
44. What type of character would you like to see in the future?More healers tbh, I’ve seen a lot of people ask for an evil healer and yea that sounds great
45. Who needs more (or better) skins in the future?See the logical answer would be widow or zarya yknow but no i mostly just want more junkrat even skins
46. What country would you like a new character to come from?Give us a french canadian hero
47. Favorite voice line?Junkrat’s multikills voicelines are what fuels me, Come out and play is a fave, and the ouverture singing. And Road and Rein just laughing at multikills too man
48. Favorite player icon?Have fish masterrace
49. Favorite emote?Lucio’s dance, Roadhog’s sit, Junkrat’s sit, Roadhog’s headbanging, Winston’s PB, Ana’s Candy
50. Favorite spray?PUNCH KID MASTERRACE
51.Favorite victory pose?I like when everyone is just squatting
52. Favorite highlight intro?I like all the ones where they shove their guns in your face so you can see how gold it is
53. Characters you ship the most?No I, don’t care............ I only ship Winston and happiness y’know it. I’m ok with some ships but I truly do not actively ship anything nor care about it
54. Characters you ship the least?Junkrat x anything makes me uncomfortable as all hell, I’ve never been so attached to another character not being interested in romance before, it just rubs me the wrong way. a lot
55. Characters you wish had more in-game interactions?Roadhog and anyone, don’t get me wrong, I love how he just doesn’t talk to anyone except junkrat (and mccree once to threaten him) and just talks to himself, but pls lmao. Also more torb and rein pls, their interactions are so fucking good lmao
56. Character you wish had a comic about?Lucio
57. Favorite comic released?Going Legit or the Bastion one
58. Favorite short released?Last Bastion
59. Favorite new character released?Grandma’s pretty tight
60. Overwatch, Blackwatch, or Talon?Uh Talon, I guess? Probs overwatch tho because at least we know what’s their goal beside ‘lmao we’re bad guys’
61. Pro-Omnic or anti-Omnic?I’m pro omnic yall know it
62. Favorite character that isn’t a playable one? (Ex: Emily, Brigitte, Gerard, Efi, etc.)Athena
63. Character change (nerf, boost, work around) that you liked the most?No more Junkrat self damage is fucking hilarious, and the whole Lucio changes are fucking incredibly fun
64. Character change (nerf, boost, work around) you liked the least?Roadhog 8( FeelsBadMan
65. Best ultimate?Rein is easily my fave one. It can be absolutely useless or you can get a team wipe with it if you use it well. It’s so satisfying
66. Worst ultimate?I would’ve said McCree but now it’s actually pretty good. Gotta say Hanzo’s pretty fucking horrid lmao
67. Most kills in game?shit lemme go see... In QP it’s 41 with Hog, in comp it’s 58 with D.Va ( I once got 50 with Lucio?? lmao )
68. Most heals in game?In QP, 16.8K with Lucio and in comp 37K with... also Lucio
69. What character do you think needs a nerf? D.Va’s DM probably...... lmao or a slight rework at least
70. What character do you think needs a buff?I’d really like if the hook cooldown for hog went back to 6 seconds, or listen... I’d love for torb to be actually decent, could you imagine...
71. Have you ever rage quit in the middle of a game?Nope lmao
72. What’s the fastest you’ve won a game?Like a minute and a half on Volkskaya or something
73. What’s the fastest you’ve lost a game?Probably the same thing
74. Your best Overwatch-related story?I met some of my best friends through it, yes yes im looking at you, rayan :^)
75. Weirdest thing that happened to you on Overwatch?One night I got matched against all of my irl friends it was great and completely random
76. Platform you play on?PC, I own it on ps4 as a joke but it’s awful, I’m awful. lmao
77. Do you stream?If people asks
78. Do you normally play solo or with friends?Friends usually, I don’t mind playing alone tho
79. Have you made any friends because of Overwatch?So many
80. Have you cosplayed a character from Overwatch?Nope, I’d make a nice mei tho i have the same glasses and i also happen to be evil
81. Have you ever wrote fan fiction about Overwatch?I never wrote fanfiction lmao but my blog... lmao
82. What’s the lowest you’ve been in Competitive?2400? 2300? we don’t talk about the end of season 4
83. In “All Brawls,” if you get “Charge!” do you play Reinhardt or do you pick the Lucio role?I don’t think I’ve ever played that, but I’d play lucio just for the boops
84. In “All Brawls,” if you get “One Shot, One ,” do you play Ana, Hanzo, or Widowmaker?Havent played either, id be fine with anyone tho
85. In “All Brawls,” if you get “This is Ilios,” do you pick Lucio or Roadhog?i dont play brawls idk.......... lucio bc i can just jump on roadhogs heads and be safe
86. Team Genji or Team Hanzo?Team idc about shimada bros im so sorry
87. Be honest! Do you usually get on the payload?Im top 1% objective time lucio baby
88. Does your team?yeah cuz i dont play with morons lmao, even randoms im usually pretty lucky
89. What’s the longest session of Overwatch you’ve played?I dont think I want to know
90. No Limits, Mystery Heroes, or Total Mayhem?Mystery Heroes, ez
91.Most cosmetics you have for one character?I have most of cosmetics for everyone
92. Least cosmetics you have for one character?Orisa, she’s new
93. Have you ever made your own custom game?Nope
94. Best D.Va skin?Bruiser
95. Best Mercy skin?Witch? I think
96. Best Tracer skin?How about.... none........ jk the latest one was decent
97. Zarya’s Industrial and Cybergoth skins: yes, no, or HELL NO?all day everyday
98. Do you want more animal character, robot characters, or human characters?JET PACK CAT. id be down for... one more animal character, otherwise thatd be too much. another robot eventually, though we just got one. im fine with humans
99. Is there are character you’d get rid of completely?widow tbh, i dont care for her much lorewise, she’s french and also either 1. they’re mostly useless in a match or 2. good and simply unfun to play against
100. What do you think Sombra’s real name is?idk lmao ive never really bothered to think about that
#pinkhairedbadass#jk i love that shit#;ᴿᵃᵛᶤᵒˡᶤ ʳᵃᵛᶤᵒˡᶤ ᵍᶤᵛᵉ ᵐᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᴷᵃᶰᵒˡᶤ ( OOC. )#level 860 still dont know whats my main#good shit
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every grammy for record of the year settled
another installment of what is slowly becoming a series of me pointing at things i’m mostly okay with and making simple jokes instead of writing actual things. i have six rough drafts of fictional shorts i said i wanted to post by the end of january and now its february 11th and fuck, dude, but this is so much easier!
1959
"Catch a Falling Star," by Perry Como
"The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)," by David Seville
"Fever," by Peggy Lee
"Witchcraft," by Frank Sinatra
WINNER: "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)," by Domenico Modugno
This field actually sets the tone for all the future Grammy categories to come. There's 2 songs that are really fucking good, there's one person who's here because they have a reputation as a person who is popular, there's some fucking awful bullshit that we're only going to remember in five years because it's, y'know, fucking awful bullshit, and then the winner is some obscure nonsense that sort of renders the whole operation moot, like if in 2007 the Oscar for Best Picture went to Chumscrubber, or if the Falcons won the Super Bowl. Peggy Lee/Frank Sinatra : Beyonce/Rihanna+Drake :: Perry Como : Adele, David Seville : Lukas Graham :: Domenico Modugno : twenty one pilots.
Yeah the winner is "Fever." I'm not looking to re-invent the wheel here, the best song of these five is "Fever," like are you kidding me, "Fever." "Fever," guys. "Catch a Falling Star" is a relic of an era where all we wanted from male pop stars was for them to be a gentle father in a sweater to say he's proud of us, "Witchcraft" goes but its only failure is that it's not "Fever," hahaha they actually thought "The Chipmunk Song" would stand the test of time, and "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)?" Fuck outta here, "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)." I have nothing to say to you. What are you? I don't care. You're not "Fever." Also I immediately regret this exercise because now I'm just angry I'm alive in era where songs don't have horn sections. Someone give me a big band cover of "Closer." Yeah I know Postmodern Jukebox did "Closer" BUT THEY DIDN'T DO IT THE WAY I WANTED. DO IT AGAIN.
TRUE ENDING: "Fever"
1960
"A Fool Such as I," by Elvis Presley
"High Hopes," by Frank Sinatra
"Like Young," by Andre Previn
"The Three Bells," by The Browns
WINNER: "Mack the Knife," by Bobby Darin
Im going to give Andre Previn a shitton of extra credit here for apparently naming his album Secret Songs for Young Lovers, which is a simply killer album title. Like I think only Mitski's Bury Me at Makeout Creek can stand up to that title. I'm also giving it extra credit for being an instrumental, that's just refreshing. It still only adds up to a strong second, I'm not here to be contrarian (yet), they got it right, but yo, Andre Previn! You seem chill.
TRUE ENDING: "Mack the Knife"
1961
"Are You Lonesome Tonight?" by Elvis Presley
"Georgia on My Mind," by Ray Charles
"Mack the Knife," by Ella Fitzgerald
"Nice 'n Easy," by Frank Sinatra
WINNER: "Theme from A Summer Place," by Percy Faith
Hey! Black people! I legitimately was worried we wouldn't see them for another few years, but hey, they got an early invite (relative to American history)! I like that "Mack the Knife" was nominated again. It makes me wish that, last year, both Tay Tay's "Blank Space" and the indie dudebro's "Blank Space" cover had been nominated simultaneously. When you type "Georgia on My Mind" into the YouTube search bar, suggested searches include "Ludacris," "Willie Nelson," and "Michael Buble," and that is one person away from being a party I'd like to attend. I really want to give this to "Mack the Knife" again because I think that'd be funny, and I, an ignoramus, shouted "YO THIS IS THAT SONG?" the second I heard "Theme from A Summer Place," I've heard that used as a music cue in a billion comedies, that song is iconic, but the winner is "Georgia on My Mind." That song won an Oscar for Jamie Foxx.
TRUE ENDING: "Georgia on My Mind"
1962
"Big Bad John," by Jimmy Dean
"The Second Time Around," by Frank Sinatra
"Take Five," by The Dave Brubeck Quartet
"(Up a) Lazy River," by Si Zentner
WINNER: "Moon River," by Henry Mancini
"Big Bad John" just makes me angry that country music used to feel legit and dangerous, and nowadays Brantley Gilbert thinks he's an outlaw because he has a tattoo honoring the 2nd Amendment (a law). I promised myself I wouldn't turn any one part of this into an extended treatise on bro country, but it's not extended if I keep it to two sentences, however compounded they may be! Anyhoo. These are five decidedly not-unpleasant songs by five white dudes. I understand I'm making an assumption about Si Zentner here, but it's 1962. People were still wearing hats in this season of Mad Men, I think it's a safe assumption. I think. I dunno. I think? Yeah, fuck it, "Take Five," that had a pretty boss drum section. Imagine listening to every song made in 1961 and thinking, "Yes. These. I love these five songs." "Stand By Me" was the biggest hit of the year. "Runaway" was number two, I'm pretty sure that was a banger, and if not at least it couldn't be worse than these five. "Hit the Road Jack." "Crying." "Shop Around." "Crazy." Hey guys I just made a hot discovery, I think solely using the Grammy nominees for Record of the Year does not an accurate snapshot of music history provide.
TRUE ENDING: It doesn't matter because it can't be "Stand By Me," but "Take Five" I guess
1963
"Desafinado," by Stan Getz & Charlie Byrd
"Fly Me to the Moon Bossa Nova," by Joe Harnell and His Orchestra
"I Can't Stop Loving You," by Ray Charles
"What Kind of Fool Am I?" by Sammy Davis Jr.
WINNER: "I Left My Heart in San Francisco," by Tony Bennett
You can pick up some interesting tidbits from music history, though, such as the fact conductors would have "and their orchestra" in their name. I'd be so much more okay with the state of things, as they are, if The Chainsmokers would start going by The Chainsmokers and Their Soundboard. I don't mean to impugn The Chainsmokers' ability as songwriters, I'd listen to "Closer" a million times before I gave any of these songs another spin, I would just prefer more accuracy in my song attribution. Also the extra credit "Like Young" got for being an instrumental is waning. I could have listened to "Run Up" five times. That's what I could have done with these twenty minutes. ...At least they didn't nominate "The Monster Mash." It wouldn't have been without precedent! They could have nominated "The Monster Mash." No matter how bad it is, it can always get worse.
TRUE ENDING: "I Can't Stop Loving You"
1964
"Dominique," by The Singing Nun
"Happy Days Are Here Again," by Barbra Streisand
"I Wanna Be Around," by Tony Bennett
"Wives and Lovers," by Jack Jones
WINNER: "Days of Wine and Roses," by Henry Mancini
when do the 1960s get to the seasons of mad men with stan in them. oh okay hi there "wives and lovers" aren't you horrible. what a blast from the past you are. why am i doing this. fuck it.
TRUE ENDING: "Dominique"
1965
"Downtown," by Petula Clark
"Hello, Dolly!" by Louis Armstrong
"I Want to Hold Your Hand," by The Beatles
"People," by Barbra Streisand
WINNER: "The Girl from Ipanema," by Astrud Gilberto & Stan Getz
HERE. WE. FUCKING. GO. Holy shit. Up-tempo music! Songs I wouldn't only ever listen to in hotel lobbies, that aren't all the exact same ballad! What good fortune! We can actually have a fun debate over which of these songs was actually the best! Sort of. I mean. Just in terms of cultural impact, it's "I Want to Hold Your Hand." I wouldn't dare argue that "I Want to Hold Your Hand" isn't a historically significant song. But "Downtown" is just a nice song about going to the city and seeing a moviefilm, "Hello, Dolly!" is just a wonderful little ditty which brings to mind Freakazoid, "People," erm, and "The Girl from Ipanema" is about as surreal as it gets when you're talking about Record of the Year nominees. And we're not talking about cultural impact, y'know? (At least for now, this is gonna go all over the place.) We're talking about my shitty opinion which, here, overlaps with that of the Grammys in this instance. "The Girl from Ipanema" is dope.
TRUE ENDING: "The Girl from Ipanema"
1966
"Yesterday," by The Beatles
"The 'In' Crowd," by The Ramsey Lewis Trio
"King of the Road," by Roger Miller
"The Shadow of Your Smile," by Tony Bennett
WINNER: "A Taste of Honey," by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass
It sounds like taking the easy way out to pick what is widely recognized as the best song ever made by what is widely recognized as the best rock band of all time, but. Um. It's really hard to argue for the other four songs here. You could, in a vacuum, almost make an argument for "The 'In' Crowd?" But I'm at the point in this project where I am completely okay with the idea of never hearing a jazz instrumental ever again. Also I regret being mean to Barbra Streisand the last two years, you're right, those jokes were unair, she's a national treasure and I miss the days when true theatre kids could score Record of the Year noms. The only representation theatre kids get in pop music these days is Tay Tay, and that's disappointing. Anyhoo, yeah, fucking "Yesterday." Whatever.
TRUE ENDING: "Yesterday"
1967
"Almost Persuaded," by David Houston
"Monday, Monday," by The Mamas & the Papas
"What Now My Love," by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass
"Winchester Cathedral," by The New Vaudeville Band
WINNER: "Strangers in the Night," by Frank Sinatra
One positive from this experience is that all the Mario Maker videos that YouTube had been recommending to me for months are being replaced with songs from the '60s YouTube thinks I might enjoy. Lemme talk about my YouTube recommendations window for a hot second because it’s gone through some shit to get me to watch Mario Maker content. There was a chain. Like, carlsagan42, I could understand, I'd watched AGDQ VODs that featured him, YouTube knew I liked speedrunning and Let's Plays of Mario Maker, here's this guy. And GrandPooBear, that was fair, he was in AGDQ, he seemed like a chill dude, it made sense I would enjoy him, too. But now it's recommending just random dudes to me. "Here's a white dude with a beard playing carlsagan's troll level!" Alright, I guess I fuck with him, he seems chill. "Hey! We found this white dude with a beard playing that white dude with a beard's troll level!" Wh - okay, this is, why is his display name Japanese, I don't, why are y "Here's a dude who just plays troll levels!" GREAT, WHY. WHY DID HE MAKE A CAREER OF DOING THAT. These songs are uninspiring, is what I'm saying. In 1966, notable releases (according to Wikipedia so who actually knows but I'ma go with it) include "The Sound of Silence," "Uptight (Everything's Alright)," "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'," "When a Man Loves a Woman," "Paint it Black," "You Can't Hurry Love," "It's a Man's Man's Man's World," "I Got You (I Feel Good)," "Good Vibrations," "I'm a Believer," and "You Keep Me Hanging On." "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." "God Only Knows!" I listened to "Winchester Cathedral." None of these songs deserve any recognition.
TRUE ENDING: i mean "Monday, Monday" but legit who could find it in them to care
1968
"By the Time I Get to Phoenix," by Glen Campbell
"My Cup Runneth Over," by Ed Ames
"Ode to Billie Joe," by Bobbie Gentry
"Somethin' Stupid," by Nancy Sinatra & Frank Sinatra
WINNER: "Up, Up and Away," by The 5th Dimension
R
E
S
P-E
C
T
No but like legit there was one year where it sounded like the Grammys were finally over the '50s. Ah, but no! No. ...The world had "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" in 1967. Fucking, a version of "Try a Little Tenderness" dropped in 1967. AND THEY HAD "MY CUP RUNNETH OVER." I AM APPALLED. I AM AGHAST. THIS I -- man, fuck this awards show in particular. I'm giving this to "Ode to Billie Joe" because it's the only song of this bunch I feel I'm being unfair to by bringing up better songs. That song holds its own. It's dark, it's grim, it fucks you up in all the right ways. It's the rare song that feels dated because it's so far ahead of its genre's current game. And I guess I'm down with "Up, Up and Away," too, sure, yeah, whatever, I'm down for a nice song about balloon rides. Everything else, tho. Especially "Somethin' Stupid." Wow. That sure is a thing that happened. That sure is a thing multiple people thought was a great idea! My stars.
TRUE ENDING: "Ode to Billie Joe"
1969
"Harper Valley PTA," by Jeannie C. Riley
"Hey Jude," by The Beatles
"Honey," by Bobby Goldsboro
"Wichita Lineman," by Glen Campbell
WINNER: "Mrs. Robinson," by Simon & Garfunkel
In back-to-back years, country songs performed by women were nominated for Record of the Year and subsequently adopted into feature-length films. Country music used to own, is the primary takeaway from this exercise so far. Anyhoo. I'm not gonna judge these nominees by what they could have been, because it's not necessarily these songs' fault they're not the songs that actually define this era of American history. They're nice, safe songs, and it's totally understandable why a committee wouldn't disagree with making these the five songs they wanted to present to an increasingly discomfited public for their good-time parade of nice-seeming celebrity. I don't know why I expected an awards show to lead any kind of movement in the late 1960s, it's not their job now and it certainly wasn't then, but I thought I'd at least be getting jams from the past. I got the worst Beatles song and "My Cup Runneth Over."
TRUE ENDING: "Harper Valley PTA"
1970
"A Boy Named Sue," by Johnny Cash
"Is That All There Is?" by Peggy Lee
"A Time for Us," by Henry Mancini
"Spinning Wheel," by Blood, Sweat & Tears
WINNER: "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In," by The 5th Dimension
Well, this is the least disappointing batch of nominees in years! These songs are more than unobjectionable. "A Boy Named Sue" and "Is That All There Is?" and "Aquarius" are all unimpeachable. Picking one of those three is rough, but honestly I'm just stoked to have a hard choice to make. ...I almost want to go with "A Boy Named Sue" just so I don't have to agree with the Grammys after slagging on them so much, but like "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In." Like, I have a vision of what the 1970s sounded like, and I just typed I had a vision of what something sounded like and I need to like take a walk or drink a water or something. Take a moment, take a breath, come back stronger.
TRUE ENDING: "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In"
1971
"(They Long to Be) Close to You," by The Carpenters
"Everything is Beautiful," by Ray Stevens
"Fire and Rain," by James Taylor
"Let It Be," by The Beatles
WINNER: "Bridge Over Troubled Water," by Simon & Garfunkel
...OK I'm not into any of these so let's just list other notable songs that were likely released in 1970. "ABC." "Big Yellow Taxi." "Black Magic Woman." "Express Yourself." "Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine." "I WANT YOU BACK." They nominated a song which explicitly states that everything is beautiful and ignored the song which provides IRREFUTABLE FUCKING PROOF the world is beautiful. We're not done. "Lola." "The Letter." "Paranoid." "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED I'M YOURS." NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. ONLY THE GREATEST FUCKING SONG OF ALL TIME. THAT HAS NO PLACE IN THE GRAMMYS! WHY SHOULD IT? THERE'S TOO MANY BALLADS IN THE WORLD FOR US TO PAY "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED I'M YOURS" ANY MIND. Shit. I dunno. How could I possibly know.
TRUE ENDING: "(They Long to Be) Close to You"
1972
"Joy to the World," by Three Dog Night
"My Sweet Lord," by George Harrison
"Theme from Shaft," by Isaac Hayes
"You've Got a Friend," by James Taylor
WINNER: "It's Too Late," by Carole King
OH HELL YES. I can get behind this field, which is to say: I am getting behind the theme from Shaft. "Joy to the World" is lovably loony, I'm not about to speak ill of Carole King, "My Sweet Lord" is about as good a song like that as you're ever gonna find, but Shaft. Shaft, y'all.
TRUE ENDING: "Theme from Shaft"
1973
"Alone Again (Naturally)," by Gilbert O'Sullivan
"American Pie," by Don McLean
"Song Sung Blue," by Neil Diamond
"Without You," by Harry Nilsson
WINNER: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," by Roberta Flack
"Superstition." I honestly don't get what Kanye hopes to accomplish by boycotting the Grammys when the Grammys couldn't give "Signed, Sealed Delivered I'm Yours" or "Superstition" their due. What even was that Gilbert O'Sullivan nonsense. Criminy. This is, this is just who they are, y'know? Neil Diamond sings the blues. That most iconic blues performer, Neil Diamond. They get no points for giving the trophy to Roberta Flack. Roberta Flack is something we can all agree on, you don't get a PhD in astronomy for pointing at the sun and saying "that's a bright ol' star!" and you don't get credence as a song-recognizing function for recognizing Roberta Flack made a good song.
TRUE ENDING: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"
1974
"Bad, Bad Leroy Brown," by Jim Croce
"Behind Closed Doors," by Charlie Rich
"You Are the Sunshine of My Life," by Stevie Wonder
"You're So Vain," by Carly Simon
WINNER: "Killing Me Softly with His Song," by Roberta Flack
I. I don't WANT to agree with this terrible program twice in a row. I'm glad to see Stevie eventually got a make-up nom, but I don't really feel that song too deeply (at least, judged against the rest of his catalogue; this would be the best song Gilbert O'Sullivan ever made by a country-ass mile), and no that doesn't make any sense but I've listened to 16 years' worth of songs the Grammys think are good, I'm not in a good place right now. I could easily say "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" takes it, it's a great song, it wouldn't be that b -- but "Killing Me Softly with His Song," though! Am I sort of giving it the nod because of The Fugees' version? Yes, but, see, The Fugees' version doesn't get nominated, so.
TRUE ENDING: "Killing Me Softly with His Song"
1975
"Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me," by Elton John
"Feel Like Makin' Love," by Roberta Flack
"Help Me," by Joni Mitchell
"Midnight at the Oasis," by Maria Muldaur
WINNER: "I Honestly Love You," by Olivia Newton-John
...I mean. I sort of decided to make Roberta Flack a hero today after spending a lifetime not thinking of her that often? But I spent the entire 1960s listening to jazz compositions and friendly dads giving me life advice. "Feel Like Makin' Love" is, when considering the scale of this project, like breathing in skunkless country air after a lifetime in the city. Which isn't to say "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" isn't the class of the pop sub-genre Songs Clay Aiken Can Capably Perform, or that "Help Me" isn't a jam. Just, Roberta Flack made three nice songs, and that makes this project worth pursuing somehow, no matter how many times I have to listen to blondes whisper about how much they love someone.
TRUE ENDING: "Feel Like Makin' Love"
1976
"At Seventeen," by Janis Ian
"Lyin' Eyes," by Eagles
"Mandy," by Barry Manilow
"Rhinestone Cowboy," by Glen Campbell
WINNER: "Love Will Keep Us Together," by Captain & Tennille
the best song i heard in this batch was the five seconds of rock guitar in the miller lite ad that presaged "rhinestone cowboy." i mean, on its own, "rhinestone cowboy" would have been the true ending, but that five seconds of guitar the youtube advertising algorithm attached to the beginning pushed it over the top.
TRUE ENDING: "Rhinestone Cowboy"
1977
"Afternoon Delight," by Starland Vocal Band
"50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," by Paul Simon
"I Write the Songs," by Barry Manilow
"If You Leave Me Now," by Chicago
WINNER: "This Masquerade," by George Benson
...So, it's been a while, right, since we complained that what was presented to us isn't what it could've been? But since a clear novelty song about bangin' when the sun's out was given a nod, let's see what else 1976 had to offer. Hm, well, the two biggest hits of the year were "Dancing Queen" and "Bohemian Rhapsody." Those aren't too egregious, assuming your standard for egregious is "Signed, Sealed Delivered I'm Yours." Which is to say, if you're dead inside, those aren't notable omissions. "Baby, I Love Your Way" is as basic as anything in this field, but I think people remember that as an Actually Good song, so I'ma bring that up. "I Wish!" "The Rubberband Man" is the best song about a fat man playing his body as an instrument you're ever like to hear. "Squeeze Box" was the centerpoint of one of the better Freaks & Geeks scenes. I'm listening to "I Write the Songs." Everyone who thinks the past is better is wrong. "I Write the Songs” is a less self-aware version of "7 Years." "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" is acceptable, I guess. It was compelling, and it grabbed my attention. I think "This Masquerade" had its moments, but "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" had me. I dunno. I think it's just bad that I, a music history simpleton, could come up with a viable ROTY field with like half a minute of looking at Wikipedia. Hell, I'm gonna go ahead and be super unfair and judge the Grammys for not seeing into the future and seeing all the dope tweets about "The Boys Are Back in Town."
TRUE ENDING: "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"
1978
"Blue Bayou," by Linda Rondstadt
"Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue," by Crystal Gayle
"Evergreen (Love Theme from A Star Is Born)," by Barbra Streisand
"You Light Up My Life," by Debby Boone
WINNER: "Hotel California," by Eagles
I'm going to give this year props for featuring four songs performed by women in the ROTY field. Remember my alt-nominee field from last year? The only women in that field were in ABBA. So at least the Grammys got this right, ignore the racial composition of this field DON'T THINK TOO HARD ABOUT IT, and then it would be until 1999 that the Grammys would have another year with a 4:1 female:male ratio in this category. Anyway, "Blue Bayou." If that surprises you, you haven't been paying attention.
TRUE ENDING: "Blue Bayou"
1979
"Baker Street," by Gerry Rafferty
"Feels So Good," by Chuck Mangione
"Stayin' Alive," by Bee Gees
"You Needed Me," by Anne Murray
WINNER: "Just the Way You Are," by Billy Joel
...i thought we were done with jazz instrumentals. another fool am i. Anyway fuck everything in this world that isn't the sax solo in "Baker Street" for not being the sax solo in "Baker Street." See that song is basically a jazz instrumental, but,,, the sax solo in "Baker Street" is maybe the greatest thing that's ever been? Also let's just note how the first disco song nominated for Record of the Year is by three white dudes. Dope. History is cool. But at least we have the sax solo from "Baker Street" to keep us warm.
TRUE ENDING: "Baker Street"
1980
"After the Love Has Gone," by Earth, Wind and Fire
"I Will Survive," by Gloria Gaynor
"The Gambler," by Kenny Rogers
"You Don't Bring Me Flowers," by Barbra Streisand & Neil Diamond
WINNER: "What a Fool Believes," by The Doobie Brothers
listen, i took some time off to do other things, and then i woke up at two am this morning and said, "let's continue this fool's errand!" and i made it through a few years and now it's two hours later and i am interesting in selecting the INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS CHOICE and moving on
TRUE ENDING: "I Will Survive"
1981
"The Rose," by Bette Midler
"Lady," by Kenny Rogers
"Theme from New York, New York," by Frank Sinatra
"Woman in Love," by Barbra Streisand
WINNER: "Sailing," by Christopher Cross
woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. um. i mean, 1980 isn't a particularly inspiring year? but got.DAMN this field is so bad "escape (the pina colada song)" has a viable claim to snub status. how did this awards show survive? how did we never do better than this? are we just committed to not being into the american music awards?
TRUE ENDING: "Woman in Love"
1982
"Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)," by Christopher Cross
"(Just Like) Starting Over," by John Lennon
"Endless Love," by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie
"Just the Two of Us," by Grover Washington, Jr. with Bill Withers
"Bette Davis Eyes," by Kim Carnes
I've listened to two Christopher Cross songs and "Endless Love" before having any coffee, which was a mistake. We're at this weird point in history where my unearned nostalgia doesn't exist because I'm pretty sure the '80s were mostly terrible, and the Grammys aren't 1981 bad because I get a chance to shout out Bill Withers (which I'm sure he totally appreciates, this sort of seems like something that wouldn't insult his very being, is some asshat pointing out how great he is in a whole entire piece where nothing of substance is ever said), but they're still really fuckin' bad. Also ignore what I said about the '80s being terrible because fuckin' "9 to 5" was dropped this year, as was "Don't Stop Believin'!" They selected John Lennon's best Queen impression. Dead Kennedys released a song called "Nazi Punks Fuck Off!" in 1981. That classic is, somehow, timeless.
TRUE ENDING: "Just the Two of Us"
1983
"Steppin' Out," by Joe Jackson
"Ebony and Ivory," by Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder
"Always on My Mind," by Willie Nelson
"Chariots of Fire," by Vangelis
WINNER: "Rosanna," by Toto
As alluded to above, I am a card-carrying member of something I guess I have to call Poo Nation. (There is no card, regrettably.) I'd have to check the rules, but I am pretty sure I'm not allowed to besmirch the good name of Toto, even if the song in question is not "Africa." I think "Steppin' Out" might've been a good true ending in an alternate universe, and it's hard to deny "Chariots of Fire" is legendary (if anything has to be the last instrumental I hear while doing this, I'm glad it was that), but I'm not tryna incur anyone's wrath here. Also, hey, here's Stevie Wonder and Willie Nelson, getting makeup nods for lesser tracks. "Ebony and Ivory," that's just a more prestigious version of "Accidental Racist." No one should feel good about that song. But the first six seconds of Rosanna, that's a sort of "pinnacle of human achievement" thing, that's something we should put in a museum.
TRUE ENDING: "Rosanna"
1984
"Flashdance... What a Feeling," by Irene Cara
"Every Breath You Take," by The Police
"All Night Long (All Night)," by Lionel Richie
"Maniac," by Michael Sembello
WINNER: "Beat It!" by Michael Jackson
Wh... What is this? What just happened? A whole five songs I've listened to outside the context of this project? Songs which all still endure to this day? A winner that could actually stake a claim as the most iconic song of 1983? The Grammys! It's like you just took off your glasses and did your hair all fancy and showed up to prom, and I'm just like, oh shit, the theatre dork was actually hot all along! Did we find it? Did we find the turning point? Did Flashdance provide the turning point? Is that the movie musical you guys watched and thought, "Oh shit, this music actually kind of goes, I think we oughta get with the times?" /looks at the next year/ IT IS! Bless you, Flashdance. Bless this change you provoked in the Grammys. I'm not about to do something silly like not pick "Beat It!" but I will at least acknowledge that you are phenomenal and were the true spark that ignited the Grammys and also no one involved in your production ever fucked any kids, probably.
TRUE ENDING: "Beat It!"
1985
"Hard Habit to Break," by Chicago
"Girls Just Want to Have Fun," by Cyndi Lauper
"The Heart of Rock 'n Roll," by Huey Lewis and the News
"Dancing in the Dark," by Bruce Springsteen
WINNER: "What's Love Got to Do with It," by Tina Turner
hm. it's such a tight field we have here. not a one clear standout in this bunch. i don't know. this is a tough choice. i'm sure glad i wasn't a voting member in 1985. imagine seeing the choice laid before you and slowly having the impossibility of the task ahead dawn on you. what a daunting prospect. (tell ya what tho, "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" is a strong-as-hell second place, and "Dancing in the Dark" is possibly the strongest bronze.)
TRUE ENDING: "What's Love Got to Do with It," by Tina Turner
1986
"Money for Nothing," by Dire Straits
"The Boys of Summer," by Don Henley
"The Power of Love," by Huey Lewis & the News
"Born in the U.S.A.," by Bruce Springsteen
WINNER: "We Are the World," by USA for Africa
oh praise ra i actually get to break from the grammys So I think "The Power of Love" is solid, I think it'd be hard to find someone who'd say they have any sort of disagreement with this sound. "Born in the U.S.A." is similarly a classic. I love how The Other Side keeps trying to repurpose it as a rousing anthem for them when it is an absolutely scathing indictment of what has become of the American working class. It's such a self-own, playing this song at Republican conventions, and I love it every time it happens. You think they'd have learned how to process subtlety by now! But: I am not attached to "Born in the U.S.A." too deeply beyond that. As an emokid straight outta the mid-aughts (hey there goes my claim to any valid political opinion! later, bro!), have a special connection to "Boys of Summer," tho. Is Don Henley's version The Ataris' version? No. It is not. But we set the precedent in the Roberta Flack threepeat that, even though this is Record of the Year, we will recognize the power of the composition. We also must acknowledge that "Money for Nothing" is the absolute fucking worst.
TRUE ENDING: "The Boys of Summer"
1987
"Sledgehammer," by Peter Gabriel
"Greatest Love of All," by Whitney Houston
"Addicted to Love," by Robert Palmer
"That's What Friends Are For," by Dionne Warwick & Friends
WINNER: "Higher Love," by Steve Winwood
One other notable change, apart from the fact the songs are now actual songs that I can imagine people casually listening to in the era in which they were released: these songs are fucking long. You go back to the first Grammys, I don't think any songs lasted past 3:15, and now we have "Sledgehammer," which lasts five minutes. All the songs from the 1986 field were five minutes long. It sort of feels like we've trimmed the excess in our modern era, because my reaction to all these songs is, "Alright, I'm feeling this one! I am grooving! ...Okay, I've grooved. I've felt it. You can go now. No, you can g -- oh, more? OK, cool, I guess that's cool." Except "Addicted to Love." That's a positively breezy four minutes, and it holds the attention the entire time. It's slightly leery? It's kind of "Blurred Lines"y? But it's not overtly gross that it's unworthy of celebration!
TRUE ENDING: "Addicted to Love"
1988
"La Bamba," by Los Lobos
"I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," by U2
"Luka," by Suzanne Vega
"Back in the High Life Again," by Steve Winwood
WINNER: "Graceland," by Paul Simon
...Yeah, fuck it, "La Bamba," I don't like that the choice I have to make is a cover of a '50s hit, but HASHTAG GRAMMYS, amirite. Time to look at Wikipedia because the Grammys have displeased me! ...OK, so there's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody." "Alone" has been a stable of reality singing competitions for thirty years, now! "Bad" woulda been acceptable. "Don't Dream It's Over" may not be the most notable tune in the world, but unlike eventual champion "La Bamba," it was made in 1987. "UM "FAITH" HOW ABOUT?! "The Final Countdown" is listed as a 1987 single and I get why it wouldn't get ROTY love but I would be remiss not to point out its presence on the list. Who doen't love "(I Just) Died in Your Arms?" LL Cool J coulda gotten some hype, I'm not gonna pretend to be familiar with '80s rap but that's a name I know. "Need You Tonight" got INXS a reality show 20 years later. WHAT THE FUCK YOU COULD'VE EASILY REPLACED "LA BAMBA" WITH "RHYTHM IS GONNA GET YOU." "Welcome to the Jungle" is a metal song, sure, but you're gonna tell me that's less influential than "Graceland?" Also I changed my mind because I forgot how fucking good "Luka" is.
TRUE ENDING: "Luka."
1989
"Giving You the Best That I Got," by Anita Baker
"Fast Car," by Tracy Chapman
"Man in the Mirror," by Michael Jackson
"Roll with It," by Steve Winwood
WINNER: "Don't Worry, Be Happy," by Bobby McFerrin
I commend "Don't Worry, By Happy" for laying the foundation for maybe the greatest Key & Peele sketch, and I'm loathe to pick two unrelentingly sad songs about good people in awful situations in a row, but, like, "Fast Car." "Fast Car," y'all.
TRUE ENDING: "Fast Car"
1990
"The End of the Innocence," by Don Henley
"She Drives Me Crazy," by Fine Young Cannibals
"We Didn't Start the Fire," by Billy Joel
"The Living Years," by Mike + the Mechanics
WINNER: "Wind Beneath My Wings," by Bette Midler
So apparently the two things I liked about the 1980s are the kitschy one-hit-wonder-y singles that are completely of their times, and the songs about horrifying tragedies. But y'know what at least those were closer to the vision of '80s music I had in my head than the options from the '70s were to ‘70s music. I don't know if that sentence makes sense. I've listened to a lot of bad and/or trashy music. For no reason. When was the last time I asked why I was doing this? I would like to ask that question again: why am I doing this
TRUE ENDING: "She Drives Me Crazy"
1991
"Vision of Love," by Mariah Carey
"U Can't Touch This," by MC Hammer
"From a Distance," by Bette Midler
"Nothing Compares 2 U," by Sinead O'Connor
WINNER: "Another Day in Paradise," by Phil Collins
MC Hammer has more ROTY nominations as a performer than Prince. The first rap song ever nominated for ROTY was "U Can't Touch This." MC Hammer was the first rapper to earn a ROTY nomination. ...You're right, this isn't fair, MC Hammer apparently built himself, and the distinction easily could've gone to MC Skat Kat. That's the motto: no matter how bad, it could always be worse.
TRUE ENDING: "Vision of Love"
1992
"(Everything I Do) I Do it for You," by Bryan Adams
"Baby Baby," by Amy Grant
"Something to Talk About," by Bonnie Raitt
"Losing My Religion," by R.E.M.
WINNER: "Unforgettable," by Natalie Cole w/Nat King Cole
I am 100% convinced "Unforgettable" only won because the Grammys were completely in love with the fact Natalie Cole and Nat King Cole performed together. "Look!" they said, laughing and clapping. "Their names are of similar mouthsound! Delightful!" Anyway, instead of the idiosyncratic rock song, we're going with the country song about doin' it.
TRUE ENDING: "Something to Talk About"
1993
"Achy Breaky Heart," by Billy Ray Cyrus
"Beauty & the Beast," by Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson
"Constant Craving," by k.d. lang
"Save the Best for Last," by Vanessa Williams
WINNER: "Tears in Heaven," by Eric Clapton
OH SHIT THE GRAMMYS JUST HIT US WITH THE THROWBACK! Awful novelty single? CHECK. Treacly ballad? CHECK. Ponderous slow song from an influential-but-overlooked performer? I FEEL BAD ABOUT SAYING IT BECAUSE IT'S A SONG ABOUT HIS KID WHO DIED BUT, OKAY, THIS IS WHO I AM, CHECK. And we have A NEW KIND OF BAD this year: THE POP VERSION OF THE SONG FROM THE MOVIE MUSICAL. Angela Lansbury or GTFO. k.d. lang does sort of earn this by default, I'm not gonna lie to you and say I dug the song presented to me, but I absoltuely respect the pioneering work she did in advancing stylization in performers' name. k.d. lang paved the streets on which Panic! At the Disco marches.
TRUE ENDING: "Constant Craving"
1994
"A Whole New World," by Peabo Bryson & Regina Belle
"The River of Dreams," by Billy Joel
"If I Ever Lose My Faith in You," by Sting
"Harvest Moon," by Neil Young
WINNER: "I Will Always Love You," by Whitney Houston
The end result is always the same, no matter what, but hoo boy, this sequence is something else. '90s music is generally ugh, but you had "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang," "Mr. Jones," "No Rain," "Shoop," "What's Up?" But this. Billy Joel. Again. It's only been three times or something but it feels like Billy Joel has been nominated for this award every year.
TRUE ENDING: "I Will Always Love You"
1995
"I'll Make Love to You," by Boyz II Men
"He Thinks He'll Keep Her," by Mary Chapin Carpenter
"Love Sneakin' up on You," by Bonnie Raitt
"Streets of Philadelphia," by Bruce Springsteen
WINNER: "All I Wanna Do," by Sheryl Crow
The Grammys have relapsed pretty hard. And because we're in the 1990s, and also I've kind of hit a wall in terms of my enthusiasm for this project, I'm not even listening to these songs, because there's not any lessons to be gleaned here, music was being taken over by grunge and rap and the Grammys didn't know how to react so they literally gave their biggest award to a song which states, "All I wanna do is have some fun." Let's just have some fun, guys! Stop being so sad about everything, let's just, let's play Parcheesi! You used to love Parcheesi! Let's play Parcheesi and just, let's just have some fun! But yeah the Grammys are havin' some issues coming to terms with reality.
TRUE ENDING: "I'll Make Love to You"
1996
"One Sweet Day," by Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men
"Gangsta's Paradise," by Coolio
"One of Us," by Joan Osborne
"Waterfalls," by TLC
WINNER: "Kiss from a Rose," by Seal
Now THIS. This, I can extremely fuck with. Nary a quibble I have with the Grammys' assessment of 1995! Do I maybe trade out "One Sweet Day" for "Fantasy?" Of course, I'm not that dead inside. Do I maybe replace "One of Us" with "You Oughta Know?" Eh, I think "One of Us" is more timeless, in that it's about God and not Dave Coulier, but I'd hear the argument. Do I maybe put "Life's a Bitch" in there instead of "Gangsta's Paradise?" Yes, but I completely get why they wouldn't. I think we've found it. I think we've found the most acceptable list! And the winner is almost the acceptable winner! Also, I didn't realize this until I dove into the list of hits from 1995, but apparently Ko[backwards R]n and P.O.D. were active and hitmakers in 1995. I knew it was coming soon? But I didn’t think it started when I was in Kindergarten.
TRUE ENDING: "Gangsta's Paradise"
1997
"Give Me One Reason," by Tracy Chapman
"Because You Loved Me," by Celine Dion
"Ironic," by Alanis Morissette
"1979," by The Smashing Pumpkins
WINNER: "Change the World," by Eric Clapton
And we're back. Though, hey, the Grammys are still making incremental progress. There's grunge, earning respectful recognition that it did, indeed, happen, and the Grammys were aware of it but ever distant! Alanis Morissette gets a nod for writing a song about how sometimes bad things happen! And TRACY CHAPMAN JUST ENDS THE FUCKING GAME. Someone once described "Give Me One Reason" as the last true blues hit, and that is such an accurate assessment. Everything about "Give Me One Reason" owns. I am thrilled to have shared some portion of the earth with the two Tracy Chapman songs we have briefly discussed.
TRUE ENDING: "Give Me One Reason"
1998
"Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole
"Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow
"MMMBop," by Hanson
"I Believe I Can Fly," by R. Kelly
WINNER: "Sunny Came Home," by Shawn Colvin
I believe it was @fart who tweeted that "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" and "The Boys Are Back in Town" share two different perspectives of the same event, and I'm sticking to that here. This right here is sort of the distillation of the '90s, assuming you're ignoring, y'know, rap: while you can't deny that this was probably what everyone in the '90s was listening to, you can absolutely fault everyone in the '90s for listening to this, because this is bad. But this is what was popular! "MMMBop," a song about grappling with your own mortality while making mouthsounds, was the biggest fucking song! You couldn't escape it! "It" referring to "MMMBop!" Like, the 1981 field was bad? But it was bad because it was bland, and it was regressive, and it wasn't of the time. This is bad because the songs are bad. They're all dated, they have no appeal beyond kitschiness, they're just, ugh. For once, it's not the Grammys' fault. ...Not entirely. Again: rap. We had that. We didn't have do the Sheryl Crow thing again.
TRUE ENDING: "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?"
1999
"The Boy Is Mine," by Brandy & Monica
"Iris," by Goo Goo Dolls
"Ray of Light," by Madonna
"You're Still the One," by Shania Twain
WINNER: "My Heart Will Go On," by Celine Dion
The '90s weren't without their saving graces, of course. Golly. Imagine being presented with this field and voting for something that wasn't "The Boy Is Mine." So many people did! I'm not gonna sit here and say that "My Heart Will Go On" wasn't the biggest musical craze of 1998, I lived through that shit, I endured that shit, believe you me, from a historical standpoint, it deserves this award. It's not history's fault, though, that so many more people listened to "My Heart Will Go On" than "The Boy Is Mine." It's those people's fault. WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE. What was wrong with you. ...At least you're still 15 or so years from your choice being Macklemore. It's hard to tell which is worse, but at least there's a good chunk of time between your failings.
TRUE ENDING: "The Boy Is Mine"
2000
"I Want It That Way," by Backstreet Boys
"Believe," by Cher
"Livin' La Vida Loca," by Ricky Martin
"No Scrubs," by TLC
WINNER: "Smooth," by Santana ft./Rob Thomas
...I don't like what I'm about to do. You know I think "Smooth" is a hot one. You know how I feel about guys in the passenger side of their best friend's ride, tryna holla at me. You know what I believe with regards to an existence of a life after love. You know I live that crazy life. ...If I'm doing karaoke, though. If I'm doing karaoke, and I need one song to fire every fucker in this dingy bar the fuck up, I need an all-time classic song that everyone loves and everyone knows, IF I AM SELECTING ONE JAM TO TAKE THIS PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH CALLED LIFE TO FLAVOR TOWN. ...It's gonna be "I Want It That Way." It's a perfect song. It is expertly crafted, the epitome of Swedish song design. It's this massive engine driving this amazing being into existence. I don't like that it is perfect. You may not like that it is perfect. But it is perfect and we love it. There are truths in life which are undeniable. "I Want It That Way" is one such truth.
TRUE ENDING: "I Want It That Way"
2001
"Say My Name," by Destinys Child
"I Try," by Macy Gray
"Music," by Madonna
"Bye Bye Bye," by *NSYNC
WINNER: "Beautiful Day," by U2
ugh what is with the u2 thing Anyway, this would ideally be where we start recognizing the things Beyonce has done for the world and all who live in it, except "I Try" is amazing. Also we're in the aughts and everyone knows and loves the aughts and no one has anything bad to say about the aughts so I'm not even gonna try to stretch for profundity it's lightning round time.
TRUE ENDING: "I Try"
2002
"Video," by india.arie
"Fallin'," by Alicia Keys
"Ms. Jackson," by OutKast
"Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)," by Train
WINNER: "Walk On," by U2
SERIOUSLY THIS U2 THING. WHAT ARE THEY SEEING THAT I'M NOT. WHAT COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE IN THERE. Anyway, hello. Rap has been around for two and a half decades and three rap songs have been nominated for Record of the Year in this space. That is as many rap songs as U2 songs in the same span of time. And lemme just skip ahead real quick here, and... Yep, yep, of course, the entire genre of rap and U2 are still tied in the official Record of the Year Grammy count! That's incredibly acceptable and great.
TRUE ENDING: "Ms. Jackson"
2003
"A Thousand Miles," by Vanessa Carlton
"Without Me," by Eminem
"Dilemma," by Nelly & Kelly Rowland
"How You Remind Me," by Nickelback
WINNER: "Don't Know Why," by Norah Jones
Legit question: is "Dilemma" the last great duet? I know Drake and Rihanna have put in work trying to find a great duet, I know Usher and Alicia Keys dropped "My Boo," I'm going to point out New Found Glory and Hayley Williams collaborated on "Vicious Love" and wait until this point is completely ignored before I move on, there we go, I think this might be the last great pop duet! I think the last great pop duet features the iconic screencap of Microsoft Excel Messenger!
TRUE ENDING: "Dilemma"
2004
"Crazy in Love," by Beyonce ft./Jay-Z
"Where Is the Love?" by The Black Eyed Peas
"Lose Yourself," by Eminem
"Hey Ya!" by OutKast
WINNER: "Clocks," by Coldplay
See, I'm disqualifying "Crazy in Love" from consideration from the "great duets" debate because it's not a duet. Jay-Z has a feature verse. Anyway: FUCK THIS. "Crazy in Love" vs. "Hey Ya!" absolutely 100% fuck this. Like that's a goddamn debate right there. There could be an entire 1000-episode podcast debating who should have won this category, "Crazy in Love" or "Hey Ya!" And it's not like the other three are slouches. "Lose Yourself" is disappointingly but definitely more popular than either track, "Where Is the Love?" is the kinda-awesome midpoint between Woke BEP and Party BEP, and I'd bop "Clocks" from the party but I'd let it hang for a few minutes, get a glimpse of a world other than its own before throwing it out on its ass. But "Crazy in Love" vs. "Hey Ya!" Fuck, dude. ...Grammys can tie, right? Yeah, there's ties in the Grammys. Fuck it, even if there's not ties in the Grammys, there's ties in this weird alternate reality Grammys because legitimately how the fuck do you choose.
TRUE ENDING: "Hey Ya!" & "Crazy in Love"
2005
"Let's Get it Started," by The Black Eyed Peas
"American Idiot," by Green Day
"Heaven," by Los Lonely Boys
"Yeah!" by Usher ft./Lil' Jon & Ludacris
WINNER: "Here We Go Again," by Ray Charles & Norah Jones
...Like?
TRUE ENDING: "Yeah!"
2006
"We Belong Together," by Mariah Carey
"Feel Good Inc.," by Gorillaz ft./De La Soul
"Hollaback Girl," by Gwen Stefani
"Gold Digger," by Kanye West ft./Jamie Foxx
WINNER: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," by Green Day
...OK, shit. Um. "We Belong Together" set the Mariah comeback in stone and history has a place for it, but I don't have a trophy for it. It's "Gold Digger" vs. "Boulevard" for me, and... And I think I gotta give it to. "Boulevard?" See, here's the thing, though, if "Stronger" were nominated a few years down the line, or "Love Lockdown," or "Niggas in Paris," yes! Absolutely, there'd be an argument! But "Gold Digger" is... Not his finest song? It's a funny-ish song about a stereotype. It has charm, it has that Ray Charles sample, but it's sort of, what's the phrase I'm looking for? Chop up the soul Kanye? It's that. It's good not great. "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" is a song that captured the hopelessness and futility of life as a lower-class individual in the Bush era and is presently capturing the hopelessness and futility of life as anyone in the Trump era. The world needed and continues to need songs like that.
TRUE ENDING: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
2007
"Be Without You," by Mary J. Blige
"You're Beautiful," by James Blunt
"Crazy," by Gnarls Barkley
"Put Your Records On," by Corinne Bailey Rae
WINNER: "Not Ready to Make Nice," by Dixie Chicks
"Not Ready to Make Nice" is the shit. I wanted Mary J. Blige or Gnarls Barkley to win, I could almost write that argument, but I just, "Not Ready to Make Nice" is the angriest song ever written. It is the apotheosis of the "message to the haters" song; it walks the same thematic ground as Tay Tay's "Shake It Off," but thunder emanates from its every step. And it's angry in that plain-spoken metaphorless way only country music can pull off. She does not obscure what has her fucked up: the letter stated, "shut up and sing or your life will be over." She is not going to forget. It's so powerful. Does it define 2006 in music? No, let's not be silly, "SexyBack" owned the year, Timbaland had more than a few songs hit #1, this song didn't have reach or impacy beyond the Grammy, but this song. This fucking song, man.
TRUE ENDING: "Not Ready to Make Nice"
2008
"Irreplaceable," by Beyonce
"The Pretender," by Foo Fighters
"Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z
"What Goes Around.../...Comes Around," by Justin Timberlake
WINNER: "Rehab," by Amy Winehouse
okay no need to write an extended defense of this one, we know what's up
TRUE ENDING: "Irreplaceable"
2009
"Chasing Pavements," by Adele
"Viva la Vida," by Coldplay
"Bleeding Love," by Leona Lewis
"Paper Planes," by M.I.A.
WINNER: "Please Read the Letter," by Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
i'm not really feelin' any of these songs, but WE'RE SO CLOSE TO THE END so fuck it here's the song i come closest to feeling
TRUE ENDING: "Paper Planes"
2010
"Halo," by Beyonce
"I Gotta Feeling," by The Black Eyed Peas
"Poker Face," by Lady Gaga
"You Belong with Me," by Tay Tay
WINNER: "Use Somebody," by Kings of Leon
oh wow, so, y'know, okay, how? how do we still have years like this? i know dope tunes were released in 2009 because i lived it, how do so many people get together and think, "yes! these!" this field is so bad, if you dropped drake's "best i ever had" into it, it would have a legit claim to the title. this is unconscionable! i hate this! why did i do this?
TRUE ENDING: "Poker Face"
2011
"Nothin' on You," by B.O.B. ft./Bruno Mars
"Love the Way You Lie," by Eminem & Rihanna
"Fuck You," by Cee Lo Green
"Empire State of Mind," by Jay-Z ft./Alicia Keys
WINNER: "Need You Now," by Lady Antebellum
Ah, the poetry of a group with the word Antebellum in their name emerging from a pack of black artists to claim a trophy they didn't deserve. Memories! What lovely recent history! Anyhoo, as sure as the earth is round, "Fuck You" is the best pop song of the decade so far. I'll fight you. Dungeon fam, I just gave you two Grammys for the mantle.
TRUE ENDING: "Fuck You"
2012
"Holocene," by Bon Iver
"Grenade," by Bruno Mars
"The Cave," by Mumford & Sons
"Firework," by Katy Perry
TRUE ENDING: "Rolling in the Deep," by Adele
"love on top," "party rock anthem," "niggas in paris," "the motto," "the edge of glory." what the fuck, you guys. picking songs that are good isn't hard but you fucked it up five times in a row somehow.
TRUE ENDING: i mean "Rolling in the Deep" i guess? ye gods this is dire
2013
"Lonely Boy," by The Black Keys
"Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)," by Kelly Clarkson
"We Are Young," by Fun. ft./Janelle Monae
"Thinkin Bout You," by Frank Ocean
"We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together," by Tay Tay
WINNER: "Somebody That I Used to Know," by Gotye ft./Kimbra
So now that we have years and years of historical context for the Grammys, let's take a minute to discuss what a miracle it was that Frank Ocean was ever nominated. The Grammys spent years ignoring anything resembling a subculture. As the 1960s grew increasingly psychedelic, the Grammys kept handing out nominations to Frank Sinatra and jazz instrumentals and gentle sweater dads. They dipped their toes into funkier things in the '70s, but they stayed the hell away from actual funk, from rock, from anything that looked like it might have been near cocaine at any point in their life. They gave Frank Sinatra a ROTY nomination in 1980. 1980! The Grammys had shown zero sign that they were even close to acknowledging a black man with ambiguous sexuality singing songs just on the edge of the mainstream existed. "Thinkin Bout You" peaked at 32 Stateside. There would have been zero outcry outside of The Internet if his song weren't nominated. And yet! They did! I don't get how, but I dig it! Anyway the best song of these six is "We Are Young" and how. How is "Call Me Maybe." ...A thousand steps forward, one step back, I guess.
TRUE ENDING: "We Are Young"
2014
"Radioactive," by Imagine Dragons
"Royals," by Lorde
"Locked Out of Heaven," by Bruno Mars
"Blurred Lines," by Robin Thicke ft./Pharrell Williams & T.I.
WINNER: "Get Lucky," by Daft Punk ft./Pharrell Williams
yeah they got it right, i don't care
TRUE ENDING: "Get Lucky"
2015
"Fancy," by Iggy Azalea ft./Charli XCX
"Chandelier," by Sia
"Shake It Off," by Tay Tay
"All About that Bass," by Meghan Trainor
WINNER: "Stay with Me," by Sam Smith
wooooooooooooooooooooooooow you really dont have to go back that far to find one of the all-time worst fields. i don't know if we've dropped any song off the face of the earth faster than "fancy," i barely even remembered it existed. "all about that bass" gets more embarrassing with each passing day. "stay with me" is mor pap. "shake it off" is horrifyingly immature and features tay tay rapping, which is, it's just a gross thing to have experienced. "chandelier." "chandelier" almost single-handedly redeems this field. i know i've used this blog to discuss what a miracle it is that sia exists as she does in the music landscape today, but legitimately, what the fuck. how? i don't mind! but how? but no for real "Chandelier," "Happy," "Problem," "Drunk in Love..." hoo boy 2014 was dire, uh, "Timber." shit, dude, yeah, "Timber." ok. ok yeah i guess it's ok as long as "Rude!" didn't make the cut.
TRUE ENDING: "Chandelier"
2016
"Really Love," by D'Angelo & the Vanguard
"Thinking Out Loud," by Ed Sheeran
"Blank Space," by Tay Tay
"Can't Feel My Face," by The Weeknd
WINNER: "Uptown Funk," by Mark Ronson ft./Bruno Mars
"Uptown Funk"/"Can't Feel My Face" is the toughest choice since "Hey Ya!"/"Crazy in Love." I think I give it to "Uptown Funk," simply because it doesn't feel like "Can't Feel My Face" exists without it, but man, "Can't Feel My Face" is such a solid track.
TRUE ENDING: "Uptown Funk"
2017
"Hello," by Adele
"Formation," by Beyonce
"7 Years," by Lukas Graham
"Work," by Rihanna ft./Drake
"Stressed Out," by twenty one pilots
listen, if i had to pick the field, it's "formation," "stresed out," "love yourself," "closer," and "black beatles." maybe throw "panda" in there over "stressed out," more people seemed to be into that than "stressed out," who cares, 2016 just wasn't great for anything on earth which exists, but hey! at least this field is more or less accurate! i don't know what "7 years" is doing here, and neither do you, but i know we're both hoping it wins so we can watch the first fires of the revolution.
TRUE ENDING: "Formation"
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Oldham Personality Styles/Traits Test Results
(Clicky Clicky)
For comparision, here’s my results from other typology systems: INTP (LII-Ne), 5w4 sp/sx (548), RULAI, Chaotic Neutral, Lunar, Melancholic, Ravenclaw, Horned Serpent
Idiosyncratic types are tuned in to and sustained by their own feelings and belief systems, whether or not others accept or understand their particular worldview or approach to life. They are self-directed and independent, requiring few close relationships. Though they are inner-directed and follow their own hearts and minds, Idiosyncratic men and women are keen observers of others and particularly sensitive to how other people react to them.
They tend to question common beliefs and expectations. They are highly spiritual and do not close their minds to any possibility, always asking what if?' They tend to have a deep inner life, act eccentrically, and live in their own world. They may be interested in the occult or the supernatural and are drawn to abstract and speculative thinking.
Fitting into everyday, conventional life can be difficult for Idiosyncratic people. Others may view them as strange, which can be a problem in jobs and relationships. They must live life their own way and sometimes regret they cannot do things in the orthodox fashion. The pressure to conform presents intolerable stress for them. Two key factors affect the quality of Idiosyncratic lives: whether they can find an accepting environment and how well they adapt to others' expectations. Few work settings tolerate eccentricities of behavior, unless the individual has a great deal to offer by way of intelligence or talent. Some Idiosyncratics do well with one ear tuned in to their own personal worlds and one outward to what the boss expects of them. Others, however, have a hard time understanding or accepting authority.
Idiosyncratic people do not need other people to give their lives direction or meaning. If they can't find partners who accept their unconventionality, they usually do well on their own. Some are content to experience several relationships in their lives without necessarily finding their one and only.
Everything except the superstitions bit (I’m actually an atheist), though I did have an esoteric phase in my teens and enjoy mythology and random speculation (as just that, stories)
Solitary types have little need of companionship and are most comfortable alone. They do not need interaction with others to enjoy life. Self-possessed and self-controlled, these individuals are alone because they want to be alone, not because they feel left out. Free of the passionate need for others, they can be quite content standing back and watching others. Indeed, they are often gifted observers of nature and of other people.
Emotionally, highly Solitary people are even-tempered, calm, dispassionate, unsentimental, and unflappable. They display an apparent indifference to pain and pleasure and are not driven by sexual needs. They are not greatly influenced by either praise or criticism. They function well at work. They get down to work quickly and don't spend much time fraternizing at the water cooler. While they usually do not do well within the political framework of larger companies, when left alone to do their work, they can put their mind to it with unusual concentration.
Solitary individuals can be content within relationships as long as their partner accepts their need for solitude. However, even moderately Solitary people may not intuitively comprehend others' feelings or respond to their emotional cues. 'You don't love me!' is a common lament of partners of Solitary people. The more the partner pushes for emotional reactions and a depth of intimate feeling, the greater the stress on the Solitary person. To cope, he or she will retreat. The partner would be better off recognizing signs of caring that are different from the usual I-want-you, I-need-you, l-love-you's.
Ugh that last paragraph, that exact same relationship problem. I don’t often hear the concept of “So introverted even your loved ones sometimes stress you out” in a way that doesn’t conflate it with misanthropy. Like I don’t want to make anyone feel bad or ignored (thats a horrible thing to do) but im not good at this.
I wouldn’t describe myself as self-controlled or good-at-work (probably due to other traits in the mix) though I can concentrate when the time & subject are right. (otherwise im more on the distractable side tho. or it depends on what it is.) I distinctly remember taking some test/assesment and getting a high score specifically for concentration, i think it was the highest overall (the lowest was motor function. 11 year old me could not catch a ball to save her life.)
As a child or teen I would often start reading at noon and be so concentrated on the book I’d fail to notice the passage of time until my mom came in to get me for supper and asked why I hadn’t turned the light on.
I don’t think I’m unflappable at all but again it depends on what and the situation and i dont really know what others see, like, I obviously know I have feels but its my own head.
Serious types are solemn and not given to emotional expression. They are realistically aware of their own capabilities but they are also aware of their limitations. They are not tempted by vanity or self-importance. They hold themselves responsible for their actions. They=re thinkers, analyzers, evaluators, ruminators and will always play things over in their minds before they acting.
Serious individuals anticipate problems and when the worst happens, they=re prepared to deal with it. Serious individuals are realists. They see the hard, harsh nature of life clearly. They have no illusions and are incapable of imagining a silver lining. They are no-nonsense people particularly suited to hard times, when their ability to push on can help everyone to survive. They always work hard and provide for others without any sense of heroism or pride in their efforts.
Even though they can seem joyless, Serious types are not necessarily unhappy. They take great satisfaction in their view of the universe. They are interested in serious subjects, which they find reassuring, and they find no need to escape into pleasure. Serious people are intensely hard workers, dependable, and trustworthy. They persevere whether or not they are enthusiastic or well rewarded. This can make it all too easy for employers to take advantage of them. They do not expect encouragement or to be treated well by others.
Although they are not socially outgoing, once they do connect with others they form very stable, long-term attachments. They tolerate the rough spots in relationships well. They are as critical of others as they are of themselves, but their fault-finding gives them no pleasure. They deeply regret causing any pain . Others who continually insist that they change into optimistic outgoing, happy-go-lucky people cause them great stress but their characteristic cynicism helps them to cope.
ARGH that “I’d rather see the world as it is than sugercoat it for feelgoodsyness” thing can be so hard to explain to people. I try to be realistic about my abilities & place in the world and aspire toward realism. (and when I’m already stressed out optimism will only serve to make me feel pissed or misunderstood. Unfortunately my mom is the exact opposite, leading to a few regrettable outbursts and isunderstandings, though not major ones. )
The work ethics part doesn’t really apply tho.
Conclusion: Ugh I am such an INTP 5.
I also scored somewhat high for ‘Leisurely’ (Fuck authority sweetheart ~ ) and ‘Vigilant’ (Yay self-sufficiency, though it’s more a horizon to strive for than something I’ve fully realized yet)
That was the 14 trait model tho, the 16 trait one also has this:
Artistic
· Mood swings. Shifts from a moderately upbeat, outgoing, creative character to a withdrawn and sullen depressive one. When in a high state, they can be highly productive, original, humorous, and engaging. During a low state they become self-absorbed, pessimistic, apathetic, and may resort to substance abuse. The mood swings happen regularly in cycles, are similar to bipolar (manic-depression) disorder, but not as extreme in the polarity, and also the mood changes in the Artistic personality are usually more so the result of within the person and not triggered by external circumstances.
· Artistic inclinations. People of this style often involve themselves in some sort of creative output. They may go into a state of inspiration where artistic production is strong then fall into an apathetic daze, where it becomes difficult, almost unbearable to create art. Since they have a grasp on many corners of the human personality, they have an advantage at expressing the nuances of a particular viewpoint. Many of the world's great artists have had this character style.
· Unpredictability. They may take up new plans, jobs, residences, etc. out of impulse. They despise routine and love improvising, stimulation, and new experiences.
· Feeling-oriented. Their impulses and feelings control their lives and dictate their appearance and decisions. They rarely make decisions through a systematic, logical follow-through approach but instead base it on their current mood.
· Relationship difficulties. Relationships can be trying for these people. They may become promiscuous, unfaithful, or difficult to handle.
· Low self-control. They have a difficulty saying "no" to themselves with their appetite. They may go on shopping sprees, binge on food or drink, give into sexual compulsions, etc. Afterwards, they may feel guilty about it and restrict themselves from pleasure.
· Shaky self-confidence. Can swing from delusions of grandeur and superiority, and feeling very confident in oneself, to a loss of self-esteem and hopeless despair.
Aaah now here’s a place for my inner emo child and inner gushy nerd fangirl to find a home. I’d wedge it in lower than ‘Idiosyncratic’ but higher than serious. It actually coexists with the above stuff surprisingly well (It’s called “TiNe” or “5w4″)
On the positive, this personality test is the first (except maybe Divergent, but the tests do give me Erudite nearly as often as Candor depending on how absolute the questions are worded. ) to refrain from outright calling me a NEEERD.
So, thanks oldham?
Also, now I know the precise kind mad I might end up as if I happened across severe trauma, brain chemistry goof-ups or lovecraftian abominations (Please let it be the latter). That is one interesting tidbit of information.
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The Simple Joys of Maindenhood
One of the things that always bothers me is any production of Camelot in which Guenevere is played all sweet and virginal, or in other words, like Julie Andrews played her in the original production. The truth is that Guenevere can be a real bitch from time to time, and I think that's what's most interesting about her -- and what directors and actors miss most often. Without that, the story is far less interesting.
In many cases, original Broadway performances are reliable guides to what the writers wanted. But not always. And not in this case. Andrews had a great voice in her youth, and genuine stage presence, but she was never a very good or very nuanced actor.
Guenevere, as she is written by Alan Jay Lerner, is rebellious, immature (at least in Act I), horny, and blood-thirsty! Maybe she's just a product of her times, but she loves violence (see her song, "Then You May Take Me to the Fair"); and her immaturity and restlessness will lead to a lot of needless destruction.
Guenevere herself is Arthur's great tragic flaw.
Julie Andrews ruined the character with her bland, sexless original performance on Broadway, and more significantly, on the original cast recording. Vanessa Redgrave understood the character much more fully in her film performance, but she was such a mediocre singer, it's hard to get through her songs. Compare Andrews' and Redgrave's opposite approaches to "The Lusty Month of May." Redgrave (with the help of more languorous orchestrations) really enjoys the words lusty and depraved, and in her hands, it's a song about fucking. In Andrews' rendition, it's just polite double entendre.
In her first appearance in the show, Guenevere tells us in her "I Am" song that she is a trouble-maker. She wants men to fight over her. She wants them to kill each other over her. How can we be surprised when everything blows up in Act II?
Camelot's first two songs introduce two of our three leads, and both as complete neurotics, totally ill-equipped to be married. Of course their marriage will fail. We see in these two opening numbers that they are very immature. Then again, Arthur is only 25 and Guenevere only 17 when they meet.
A close look at the lyric of "Simple Joys of Maidenhood" tells us so much about Guenevere. Alan Jay Lerner has packed so much information into this song, all the while surprising us with punch line after punch line.
Guenevere starts the song by calling St. Genevieve, apparently her personal patron saint. But Guenevere has to remind the saint who she is; Guenevere doesn't pray a lot. Yet only a couple lines later, she's purporting to be so devout. Right off the bat, we see that she's a liar. She says she's always been a "lamb," but we'll soon see that's not true either. She lets her anger take over and she rages at St. Genevieve, complaining about the details of her current situation, and finally -- and hilariously -- threatening to find another saint to pray to.
St. Genevieve, St. Genevieve!
It's Guenevere!
Remember me?
St. Genevieve, St. Genevieve!
I'm over here
Beneath this tree...
You know how faithful and devout I am,
You must admit I've always been a lamb,
But Genevieve, St. Genevieve --
I won't obey you anymore.
You've gone a bit too far!
I won't be bid and bargained for
Like beads at a bazaar.
St. Genevieve, I've run away,
Eluded them and fled,
And from now on, I intend to pray
To someone else instead!
It is interesting to note Guenevere's 20th century objections to being medievally objectified. But then Guenevere decides maybe offense is a bad tack to take. If she wants rescue, she'd better be nicer to her patron saint...
Oh Genevieve, St. Genevieve,
Where were you when my youth was sold?
Dear Genevieve, sweet Genevieve,
Shan't I be young before I'm old?
So she goes on to catalog the "conventional, ordinary, garden variety joys of maidenhood" that she's been robbed of, that she wants restored to her. And what are those simple, ordinary perks of being a teenage girl? A knight committing suicide over her. Two knights battling over her and one of them being killed. A war being waged over her, and of course, the unstated but obvious death and bloodshed that accompanies war. And finally, the best perk she imagines is not only men killing each other over her, but men killing their relatives over her.
Where are the simple joys of maidenhood?
Where are all those adoring, daring boys?
Where's the youth pining so for me
He leaps to death in woe for me?
Oh, where are a maiden's simple joys?
Shan't I have the normal life a maiden should?
Shall I never be rescued in the wood?
Shall two knights never tilt for me
And let their blood be spilt for me?
Oh, where are the simple joys of maidenhood?
Shall I not be on a pedestal,
Worshipped and competed for?
Not be carried off, or better still,
Cause a little war?
Where are the simple joys of maidenhood?
Are those dear gentle pleasures gone for good?
Shall a feud not begin for me?
Shall kith not kill their kin for me?
Oh, where are the trivial joys,
Harmless convivial joys,
Where are the simple joys of maidenhood?
That is fucked up.
She has a freakish lust for violence and for bloodshed, in complete opposition to everything Arthur believes in. The central joke of the song is that all this extreme violence seems to Guenevere just the "trivial," "simple" fun of being a girl. She is actually insulted shortly afterward because Arthur won't rape her. But that lust for violence will come back to haunt her. She has no idea what she's asking for...
She sees war as romantic. She’s delighted when Arthur tells her war would have broken out if they had not married. But at the end of the show, her shallow wishes come true, with deadly results. In “Guenevere,” the chorus sings:
Guenevere, Guenevere,
In that dim, mournful year,
Saw the men she held most dear
Go to war for Guenevere.
She got her war. And it's destroyed everything Arthur built.
In addition to her bloodlust, Guenevere is also far more over-sexed than your average musical theatre ingenue. Too often directors and actors overlook her very sexual behavior. They've spent years hearing Julie Andrews' delicate, lady-like singing on the original cast album and they ignore the actual evidence in the script and score. They want to be reverent with her character because she's a queen and because ultimately she becomes a tragic figure, and perhaps also because they see Camelot as a "classic."
But even a cursory look at "The Lusty Month of May" shows the real Guenevere. The title of the song says it all. It's an explicit celebration of sex, of unbridled, wicked, improper, un-wholesome, shocking sexual acts. Guenevere thinks every girl wants her boyfriend to be a cad, that self-control is a bore, that going morally astray is blissful.
Tra la, it's May, the lusty Month of May!
That lovely month when everyone goes blissfully astray.
Tra la, it's here,
That shocking time of year,
When tons of wicked little thoughts merrily appear.
It's May, it's May, that gorgeous holiday,
When every maiden prays that her lad
Will be a cad
It's mad, it's gay, a libelous display!
Those dreary vows that everyone takes,
Everyone breaks,
Everyone makes
Divine mistakes,
The lusty month of May!
The fragrance she smells wafting through the air is the smell of sex, make no mistake, that "dear forbidden fruit." But what does this tell us? That Guenevere and Arthur are hopelessly mismatched. In the novel, White says "She had felt respect for [Arthur], with gratitude, kindness, love, and a sense of protection. She had felt more than this and you might say that she had felt everything but the passion of romance."
Guenevere just wants fun. No responsibility, no morality, no expectations. She's still an over-sexed -- and long repressed -- teenager.
It's May, the lusty month of May,
That darling month when everyone throws self-control away.
It's time to do
A wretched thing or two
And try to make each precious day one you'll always rue.
Her idea of a good time is to do something awful you'll regret. Wow.
It's May, it's May, the month of "Yes, you may;"
The time for every frivolous whim,
Proper or im-.
It's wild, it's gay, depraved in every way.
The birds and bees with all of their vast
Amorous past,
Gaze at the human race aghast!
The lusty month of May!
Guenevere is all about appetite. After this song, can we be surprised when she eventually has an affair? Can Arthur be surprised? Or does he just close his eyes to this problem? Arthur needs Guenevere before he can be the king he needs to be. It isn't until he meets her that he feels kingly, that he at last wants to be a king. She is his muse. But she's also a selfish bitch (at least in Act I).
Look at her initial comments to Lancelot when she first meets him. She's sarcastic and insulting. Is that proper behavior for the Queen of England to someone the King brings to court? And even though she knows how much Arthur thinks of Lancelot, she keeps criticizing Lance over and over. She doesn't even attempt to be kind to him, to try to understand him, to help him feel welcome. In a sense, she's performing for the knights and ladies around her, entertaining them with her thinly veiled jibes at Lance. But also, we can see she's attracted to him -- and acting like a lust-struck thirteen-year-old.
Later on, she helps build sentiment against Lance in the court by gossiping with the knights and ladies. She gives three knights her kerchief to carry against Lancelot in the jousts. And it's with this act that she tries to make her vicious childhood fantasies come true. At last she sees an opportunity for her dreams of knights fighting over her to come true. There will not only be battles; there may well be bloodshed. She knows Arthur will never deliver those fantasies. He thinks fighting is immoral unless it's to promote righteousness.
Not only is Arthur not the lover she had hoped for, he's also not the warrior she dreamed of. They are mismatched in every conceivable way.
Yet, when the jousts happen, when her fantasies are at last made reality, the result is tragedy. Lionel is killed by Lancelot. Finally, the death of which she dreamed has come to pass, and she suddenly realizes what she's done. She has indirectly killed a man, and not just any man, but a friend of hers, one of her favorite knights. And then the "obligatory moment," that moment in any story toward which everything before it leads and from which everything after it follows, the moment that the story cannot exist without. Lancelot steps forward, bends down, prays, and he brings Lionel back to life. We see for the first time that his claims of purity, his claims that he can perform miracles are actually true. When he rises, his eyes lock into Guenevere's, and we realize in an instant that they have fallen in love.
Perhaps Guenevere already found him physically attractive (in the novel, Lance is ugly, but in the musical, he's hot). But he's accomplished two things. First, he has saved her from her folly; he has brought back to life the knight her immature schemes had killed. Second, he has fought for her and he has won. He is the greatest knight in the court, probably in all Europe, and she sees now that he loves her, no doubt with the same passion with which he loves Arthur and the Table.
How can she resist? As Queen, she should resist, but she won't. And later we will see the difference between Lance and Arthur. Whereas Arthur's love for this Table outshines his love for Guenevere, Lance clearly loves Guenevere more (or at least as much).
Following her beautifully crafted arc, it's also interesting to hear how Guenevere's music gets more complex, both melodically and harmonically, over the course of the show, as she matures, as she becomes a more complex individual, and finds herself in progressively more complex situations. "Simple Joys of Maidenhood" is the song of a girl. "I Loved You Once in Silence" in Act II is the song of a woman.
I loved you once in silence,
And mis'ry was all I knew;
Trying so to keep my love from showing,
All the while not knowing
You loved me too.
Yes, loved me in lonesome silence,
Your heart filled with dark despair;
Thinking love would flame in you forever,
And I'd never, never
Know the flame was there.
Then one day we cast away our secret longing;
The raging tide
We held inside
Would hold no more.
The silence at last was broken;
We flung wide our prison door.
Ev'ry joyous word of love was spoken,
And now there's twice as much grief,
Twice the strain for us,
Twice the despair,
Twice the pain for us
As we had known before.
And after all had been said,
Here we are, my love,
Silent once more,
And not far, my love,
From where we were before.
In other words, be careful what you wish for. Especially if it entails harm to others. Guenevere has grown up now, but it's too late, and events are overtaking her.
Having directed the show myself for New Line in 1999, I'll admit that Camelot is a flawed show, to be sure, but still a very good one. There is so much more richness and nuance than most productions find. And as with most musicals, audiences find it very hard to distinguish between a bad show and a bad production of a good show.
As long as some directors (and way too many in NYC) think they can turn their brains off to direct a musical, we'll get bland and shallow productions of shows that deserve better (I'm lookin' at you Casey Nicholaw!). If directors and actors would just pay musicals the same respect they pay to Death of a Salesman and A Midsummer Night's Dream, maybe audiences would get more productions that do justice to the material, and they'd discover that even a show with flaws, like Camelot, can still be serious and powerful and truthful.
And that's all audiences want. Just tell them a story that tells the truth.
Long Live the Musical!
Scott
from The Bad Boy of Musical Theatre http://newlinetheatre.blogspot.com/2017/11/the-simple-joys-of-maindenhood.html
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Day #23
The growing loneliness is consuming me further, and the emptiness and nothingness I was experiencing a couple days ago is returning. Maybe it’s my mind’s way of actually accepting the circumstances that have unfolded, and to advise me that my life has already peaked and that I’ve had my golden moments, thanks to her - so it’s time to come back down. I don’t even realise my own sense of depression sometimes anymore because I’m just this lost, wandering soul who’s walking down an empty street on his own. My head even feels physically heavier these days, carrying the burdens that I’ve created for myself and am a consequence to. Yet at the same time I’m so empty and forsaken. For a guy who is accustomed to a lot of spice in his life, I feel extremely plain and robotic, losing touch with my humanity again - as if I’m being forced to walk down this street in an absolutely straight line. It feels as though I’m just over everything this life really has to offer. The constant array of disappointment on a daily basis and never being truly satisfied, as is human nature. Part of me has shut down and given up in bothering to continue to try to alter this reality, as I seem to always end up strolling along in this endless circle of despair nevertheless. It’s a numbing extravaganza to say the least. I’m drifting away into the abyss, further away from the rest of my world, and her - just wish I literally could leave. Another day to get through with this mask that forcibly has to be glued to my face. Thinking of her and imagining the thought of her hand holding mine tends to guide me through these days. The smile on her face, the good memories and the sincere companionship and comfortability we both shared together is always a golden recollection in my head that enables me to keep walking now, even if it is currently in this never ending circle. And each time I click back to reality from being stuck in those day dreams, a combinative sigh of both relief and disappointment at the same time are released - as a result of the memory being created at all, and the current outcome I’m living. It’s sort of like that moment in Inside Out (as real as Disney movies get to be fair) in which the sadness combines with the core memories of happiness present in Riley’s mind, to provide a beautiful display of the whole, real picture. So I do cherish all these amazing memories shared with her, that constantly bring smiles to my face when I reflect upon them. I just don’t want them to end.. I want our story to continue.
Day 23 - lost & alone
Bloody hell, I’ll tell you one thing that never ends at work though. My colleagues constantly asking me how she’s doing, or how things with us are. Those use to be some of my favourite questions up until a month ago. Im so accustomed to it always bringing me extreme joy and a big smile across my face, to be reminded and know that I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have this beautiful girl in my life. A few of them have met her too, as she’s encountered a couple as her own colleagues at the casual security role we undertook together. She’s also attended a work social event in which I had organised a dinner and movie night, at which she met a bunch more and even got a hug from the future bride to be colleague at the time - who’s wedding we ultimately attended together. Even more so, she caught public transport upon my recommendation to actually come over, which is generally unusual. What gave me the utmost cheerfulness and filled me with happiness in these moments was being able to actually hold her hand at the movies, and dance with her at the wedding, with a familiar family of faces around rather than strangers for a change. It was so fulfilling and delightful to actually bring a plus one who I wanted to keep as a plus one for the rest of my life. I just felt so proud and joyous to be able to not hide from people, the fact that this is my absolutely beautiful and stunning best friend, who I’m in love with. These are also continuous and further reminders of the displays of the amount of time and effort she actually contributed into being a part of the various aspects in my life. She emerged out of her comfort zone on plenty of these occasions, to make me happy and presented her love to me by doing so. I just wish I had more chances to do the same with her, even though I tried (but probably too eagerly, and too much - which pushed her away from me and reduced my chances if anything). Nevertheless, we all know how the story goes - yup, took her and all of it for granted. So here I am, smiling at the friendship I’m still lucky to hold onto and be graced with, and answering these questions with a half smile. She’s doing really well, yeah, architecture firm in snowy mountain town down south - but unfortunately we’re not together anymore. Though I only respond with that second unfortunate part if they even ask the latter of the two questions aforementioned - which I usually hope they don’t, because it’s consistently crushing to vocalise the true reality. And then, because after that rain on my lack of a parade of a day, the clouds of my mind never seem to cease bursting. At least I got the opportunity to literally walk around a bunch more (for work purposes obviously) than usual today, and tried to clear my head in the process. It’s a funny thing though - putting your right hand on the Bible and swearing to affirm the verifiability of documentation being true and correct, when the idea of religion and God has been belittled throughout the years of my life. The amount of trust that society can bestow within you, a stranger, to tell the truth really does display a beautiful quality within humanity. Which in turn also makes it an absolute shame and an act of dishonour, that I failed incredibly highly to have enough faith and reliability in her, and ironically placed that doubt about us in her mind. Oh the on-going regret and lack of realisation until it’s all been stripped away pains me as much as the day before. The quantity of times I’ve shaken my head in more than simply a metaphorical manner at myself in disbelief of my behaviour and mistreatment is unfathomable at this point. Oh woe is me, right? Nope - I’ll just continue digging away, with my shackled ankles, at my endless pit of all these negative sensations that formulate this damn self loathing. It’s exhausting and agonising as hell to keep at it, but I can’t stop digging, because I don’t have the capability to walk away with these chains stranding me. And I don’t want to stop digging either, because I’m very afraid that if I do, that pit could some day turn into a grave.
Another evening at indoor, another goal scored. What an absolute champion, right? Nah - we got absolutely thrashed. Probably because our bald headed eagle of a superstar wasn’t in attendance tonight unfortunately. I noticed tonight that I just felt out of place, and am slowly detecting an increasing sense of estrangement. Even amongst friends now, I don’t feel as though I have much of a recognition of belonging anymore. Maybe it’s just a passing phase which I’ve unintentional indulged as a side effect of this insanity I’m currently experiencing. Maybe it’s a sign of a new chapter beginning in my life beyond that horizon. Guess I won’t know straight away, and have to learn to embrace the virtue of patience much more. I’m ready for life to take me into a different direction, so that I can have a fresh chance at rebuilding myself and starting anew. I just wish she could be on the journey with me. But for the interim I’m just feeling down right depressed in my lonely state, and I can’t really do anything to change it. It feels as though the depression is the core part of me, which controls me and fundamentally branches off into who I am as a person. Sadness is simply familiar and comes along quite naturally, as much as it sucks. In the end, no matter what vacation my mind ends up taking, the happiness from that is temporary, and I’ll eventually find a way to ruin everything and return home to my sadness, because it’s where I belong. It’s how things are just meant to be. That’s okay though, it’s normal, and if it hurts, then it hurts because it actually matters. I can truly understand one of the reasons why she couldn’t end up loving me either - because I don’t even love me. But I can’t say that I’m sorry for loving her and hating myself. I’m struggling and fighting each day to get over this atelophobia; fear of never being good enough. It’s not a battle one should ever rely on or ask anyone else to assist them with by doing things to make you feel more worthwhile or recognised, and constantly seeking their attention accordingly, the way I did. I’m constantly trying my best though, and even if I have to keep my mask up for the sake of others, I will. One of my favourite comedic actors who was actually a victim of depression and unfortunately lost his battle with himself, once stated that he thought the saddest people always try their hardest to make others feel happy, because they realise what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and don’t want others to feel that way. That’s always being the inspiring goal, and I feel as though I can actually identify with that statement. The worst part as a consequence to failing in that regard though (as I constantly seem to) is that your level of worthlessness increases, and you don’t see the point in yourself anymore after you feel as though you’ve been sacrificing and trying anything and everything you can to make things better, and haven’t given up. But when the other person openly gives up on you, and decides it’s not worth it anymore - well, fuck. There’s not much more you can do, other than continuously brawl with the waves to save yourself from drowning (and I can’t even probably literally do that, let alone in this regard). This game of life isn’t over yet, and you’re not going to let it conclude either. One painful, tiring day at a time. Im not apologetic for the constant repetitive themes and descriptions each day either, even though I realise it’s all really mundane. It’s repetitive for a reason, because my daily reality is all over the fucking place, just as my scrambled head is. And I’m also just a naturally boring person, with nothing of actual value to offer. On a lighter note, I had another fun and lonely burger date without her tonight. Missed her again. Better sleep before it gets later - because the darker the night, the more torturous the mind. Ah, sleep - the ultimate escape.. that is, until she conquers your dreams with that smile too. Except that I love it.
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i know how to enjoy this life ... 😊