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unbridgeabledistances · 3 years

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a ✨drunk and clingy ian✨ one-shot

okay so we all know that saint patrick’s day is a very arbitrary and somewhat meaningless holiday (at least in the u.s. lol)- but we also know that the gallaghers are incredibly fucking irish, so i am using this as an excuse to write some drunk and clingy gallavich fluff (bc i think we all need it!! or at least i do!!!!)

hope y’all enjoy<3

Mickey and Ian came in the door from their final weed security run of a way-too-chilly and grey March afternoon, kicking the slush off of their lace-up boots in a tired but comfortable silence. Mickey had been fantasizing for a good part of the afternoon about his usual afternoon ritual of collapsing onto the couch with a cold beer in his hand, and taking a long lazy nap while shitty game shows played on the TV in the background— but unfortunately, Debbie had other plans. Or so he realized when he turned the corner and his eyes were met with a forest of green and white streamers blanketing the living room, with Debbie determinedly balancing on a kitchen chair to hang them in the doorway.

Mickey did a double-take, shooting a glance at Ian and then back at the festive room again. What the fuck? He quickly racked his brain— there was no way he’d could’ve forgotten Franny’s birthday, that was in the summer—and he was pretty sure that Liam’s birthday was in the winter sometime; so whose the fuck was it? Too many goddamn Gallaghers to keep track of. Finally, Mickey admitted his own defeat.

“Is it someone’s fuckin’ birthday or something?”

Mickey flashed another gaze to Ian in confusion as he said it, hoping that Ian would silently mouth whatever the occasion was to him, or at the very least raise his eyebrows and goad Mickey enough to jog his memory to remember whatever the fuck today was— but Ian just gave an easygoing grin as he took in the room’s decor and let out a laugh.

“Debbie, isn’t this kind of going overboard?”

Debbie looked over her shoulder from where she was now taping a crudely scribbled picture of a shamrock, most likely drawn by Franny, up onto the wall.

“What? If it’s our last Saint Patrick’s Day in the house, the least we can do is go out with a bang,” she answered nonchalantly, and continued fixating on hanging up Franny’s drawing.

Mickey inadvertently let out a scoff and rolled his eyes. Fucking Gallaghers.

“I’m sorry, fucking Saint Patrick’s Day?”

Ian’s lips formed a playful smile and he elbowed Mickey between the ribs. “Yeah, Mick, Saint Patrick’s Day— also known as the unironically most important day of the Gallagher family calendar year. I can’t believe I forgot it was today, with all the work stuff we had going on.”

At first Mickey couldn’t tell if Ian was actually being serious— but in the same second he decided that it didn’t really matter, since Ian’s eyes were bright and shining and there was this weird giddy grin he was sporting from ear to ear, like he was absolutely fucking delighted that it was Saint Patrick’s Day, instead of just a normal goddamn Wednesday. Fucking softie.

And as endearing as that was, Mickey still couldn’t let him off that easily. “There’s no way I’m celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day. It’s a fake holiday for yuppie rich kids to go bar hopping—I’m not getting involved in any of your Gallagher bullshit.”

Ian’s grin just grew, like he knew exactly what Mickey was doing. “Hey, you married into this family. If anything, this is your own fault.”

Mickey just rolled his eyes, then continued to unlace his boots and throw them by the doorway.

“The fuck do you do anyways, aside from getting trashed?”

Ian put a hand on Mickey’s upper back to steady himself as he pulled his own shoes off. “I think getting trashed pretty much sums up the festivities. Today’s practically a holy day of observance for Frank, and I’m assuming Debbie’s also just gonna use today as an excuse to get drunk on a Wednesday.”

“Hell yeah I am!” Debbie called from where she was putting the chair back in the kitchen.

Mickey raised his eyebrows. “I knew Gallaghers were white trash, but I had no idea you were this bad.”

“Oh, come on. You don’t have any Ukranian white trash holidays or whatever?”

Mickey held back a bitter laugh. Yeah, they had “holidays,” in the form of days when Terry was celebratorily drunk enough to leave them the fuck alone for 24 hours, rare occasions when his looming shadow was out of the house and a festive lightness bled in in its place. They sort of celebrated Christmas, which was mostly just associated with too many painful memories of Terry ripping open the presents before he or his brothers had the chance, and too many painful stings associated with him having one too many drinks as they sat quietly inside the sagging house and pretended to be a big happy family for one night a year.

But never anything as gaudy and deliberate and ridiculous as observing a C-list, Irish-American holiday just for the hell of it, just for fun—which yes, was probably fueled by Frank’s alcoholism more than anything else, but also made something swell in Mickey’s insides that he didn’t quite know how to place.

And Mickey didn’t know how to let out that entire internal monologue to Ian while Debbie was standing within earshot. “Nah, man. Milkoviches don’t really do… holidays.”

Ian snaked a hand around Mickey’s back, giving his shoulder a squeeze, a grounding touch. He gets it.

“Well, get ready to have your mind blown, Mr. Gallavich, because we’re about to celebrate this hallowed occasion Gallagher style.”

Mickey rolled his eyes again, but let himself lean into Ian’s touch, lean his weight ever-so-slightly against Ian’s chest that was pressed behind him by the doorway. And, okay— as stupid as this was, maybe there was something sort of warm and solid about tradition, about hand-scribbled shamrocks and streamers on the wall, about having days to celebrate just because you wanted to, just because you could…

Just then Franny came hurdling into the room, wearing a baggy green t-shirt and a face-painted shamrock adorning her cheek.

Ian’s face lit up when she stopped in front of them. “Hey Franny! Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!”

Franny held out two bottles of beer to Ian and Mickey from where she had been hiding them behind her back.

“Mommy said I should give these to you when you came home!”

Mickey smirked, carefully taking the bottles from Franny’s outstretched hands. “Thanks, kiddo.”

And if all celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day took was knocking down a few beers on a weekday afternoon—well, Mickey wasn’t going to complain about that.

Of course, hours later Mickey realized how severely he’d underestimated Debbie’s enthusiasm— after lounging around the house waiting for the stream of Gallaghers to trickle in from their various daily activities, Debbie had rounded everyone up and they migrated to the Alibi as the sun was setting, where they’d met up with Kev and V and Lip and Tami, who (thank fucking god) looked as vaguely confused and fully apathetic about this whole “Saint Patrick’s Day” situation as Mickey did.

Now it was late, and Mickey was leaning against the bartop of the Alibi sipping a thick, foamy glass of Guinness, which was as close to embracing whatever-the-fuck Irish heritage his husband had as he was possibly going to get.

All of the Gallaghers were here, swirling around the room—Debbie had put on some sort of peppy music as Kev poured everyone drinks, and a couple of other Southside neighbors had heard the bass thrumming and joined the ruckus. The room wasn’t too crowded, but it was pleasantly full of bodies and chatter— Kev had bought bunches of shiny, tacky green mardi gras beads for everyone to wear, and the air in the room was festive and bordering on sloppy in a way that felt very different from how Mickey had envisioned this evening would go.

Mickey was pacing himself, because it was a Wednesday for fuck’s sake— but his husband was an entirely different story. Between the beers at home and the various drinks Debbie had been siphoning into his hands all night, Ian was teetering on the drunkest Mickey had seen him in years—which partially made the tiniest spark of trepidation start to creep into Mickey’s bloodstream, a spark that he immediately extinguished. It was one night, the first in a long time— Ian deserved to have some fun.

And he definitely, definitely was having fun— casually dancing with Debbie and Sandy and whoever else would humor him, grinning with red-hot cheeks and bright eyes— from across the room Mickey could tell how warm his skin would be if he pressed a hand against it, how flushed. Mickey wasn’t really in the mood for dancing, or whatever the fuck stumbling around and chatting and making friends Drunk Ian was up to for the evening, and he was perfectly content to nurse his drink at the bar— which is why it surprised him when Ian pulled himself out of the crowd, slightly stumbling over his own feet, and made the way across the room to where Mickey was leaning at the bar, immediately boxing him in and putting his hands square on Mickey’s waist. Mickey almost imperceptibly let in a sharp breath.

Ian looked down at him, all smiles and shiny eyes— when he spoke the scent of sweet, hot liquor danced on Mickey’s face and all he wanted was to be closer, to breathe it in.

“Are you having fun?” Ian’s right hand traced up Mickey’s side, then back down to its hold on his hipbone.

Mickey raised his eyebrows. “You and your leprechaun family don’t mess around, Gallagher.”

Ian smiled a lazy, tipsy smile, and pecked Mickey’s cheek before Mickey could be embarrassed about it.

“D’you wanna dance with me?”

Ian’s hands slid off of his hips and entangled with Mickey’s hands that had been hanging limply at his sides, walking backwards so their fingers were laced together an arm’s distance apart.

Mickey shrugged noncommittally. “I’ll leave showing the Irish pride to you and the rest of the drunken Gallaghers.”

Ian registered Mickey’s words and opened his mouth to reply, just as Debbie pulled Ian over by the arm.

“Stop sulking with Mickey and do more shots with me!”

Jesus Christ. Ian was going to be wrecked when their alarm went off for work in the morning, and Mickey was starting to debate if he was going to need to have a talking-to with Debbie about the appropriate amount of “Saint Patrick’s Day fun” they were allowed to partake in next year— but for now Ian was happy, and he could stomach one night of hardcore festivities.

Mickey stood at the bar for a while, watching Ian and Debbie get progressively more flushed as they bobbed through the crowd— and then, when Debbie had found some other victim in their mid-twenties to get even more shitfaced with, Ian made his way across the room to Mickey again, plopping onto the barstool beside him and heaving his bodyweight onto Mickey’s left side, burying his face in the crook of Mickey’s neck. Mickey wrapped a tentative arm around Ian’s waist, trying to hold him up from slouching off of the barstool.

“M’tired.” Mickey could feel Ian’s hot breath dancing on his collarbone as he slurred out the words, and felt Ian’s eyelids flutter shut against the side of his neck.

Ian was always giving Mickey measured casual touches, wherever they were—but it was so exceedingly rare that Ian fully let himself go like this, let himself be drunk and happy and just crumple into Mickey, without worrying about holding anyone else up. It felt new, but it felt good— Mickey let the solid weight of his husband’s body leaning against his press him down, rooting him into the Alibi’s sticky floors, feeling the clammy skin of Ian’s forehead that was solidly lodged into the side of Mickey’s neck.

He hated to admit it, but in that moment, something in Mickey was also frozen solid— as much as Mickey had grown in the past few years, something about these situations, about PDA or whatever, still made Mickey feel like he was treading water—like he was fighting to stay afloat while everyone’s eyes were on him, and the strong current was only lifted when he and Ian were in the dark safety of their bedroom. If Mickey was drunk at a bar and sloppily leaning onto Ian, there was no doubt in Mickey’s mind that Ian would hold him, would gingerly touch him and caress him and do more to him than just prop him up— but something in Mickey still hesitated and flashed with warning signs in a crowded room full of people.

But Ian was still breathing hot on Mickey’s neck— so Mickey thought about what Ian would do, if it was Mickey who was tipsy and slumped on his shoulder. He tentatively raised his arm from where it was lying limply by his side, and started to run soothing circles onto Ian’s t-shirt, just above his hipbone where Mickey’s hand was holding Ian up by his waist.

Ian hummed in acknowledgement of the touch— and then he pressed a tender kiss to the crook of Mickey’s neck, where his face was buried. Fuck. Mickey just pulled him in closer, gently tugging Ian’s torso in by his belt loop to hold him steady.

Ian hummed again, then started to press kisses up and down Mickey’s neck. “You smell good.”

Mickey’s heart started to beat a little quicker, his blood running hotter than usual—and Ian couldn’t fucking do this now, while the rest of his family was milling around and dancing and wearing fucking mardi gras beads while flaunting their Gallagher pride.

Ian lifted his forehead off of Mickey’s shoulder, and gently bit at the underside of Mickey’s jaw—and Mickey thought he was going to combust right there, on the spot, in a room full of Gallaghers pressed against the bartop at the Alibi by his very drunk husband.

And in an act of excruciatingly inconvenient timing, Lip sidled up to the bar and sat on the barstool on Mickey’s other side, nursing what Mickey assumed (and hoped) was a diet Coke in a beer glass.

“Hey there, Mick. And, uh, Ian.”

Ian looked up from where he was very engrossed in continuing to nuzzle the opposite side of Mickey’s neck, and glared at Lip from across Mickey’s chest.

“Go away, Lip.” Ian collapsed his head back onto Mickey’s shoulder and closed his eyes again, wrapping his arms around Mickey’s neck like a fucking boa constrictor. Mickey snaked an arm up around Ian’s back, holding him steady on the wobbly barstool.

Lip held back a laugh as he sipped his drink, then took a drag of the cigarette he was holding. “Seems like Ian’s done enough drinking to make our ancestors proud.”

Mickey took a sip of his own beer with his free hand. “Debbie made sure of that.”

Lip raised his eyebrows. “Damn. Guess we’d better keep an eye on her, make sure she doesn’t also have the Frank gene.”

Mickey grunted in acknowledgement, then took another sip of his beer, mostly because he didn’t know what else to say. Ian’s head shifted slightly on his shoulder— and Mickey realized he probably needed to haul Ian home ASAP, before he was even more sleepy and incoherent and unable to lug down the street.

Lip noticed Ian’s movement on Mickey’s shoulder and smirked. “I’ve gotta say, I’ve never seen Ian being this clingy before. Even with other guys—no offense, Mick— he usually stayed pretty contained. And you guys aren’t usually too into the PDA department.”

Mickey shrugged, trying not to jostle the heavy weight of where Ian’s head was hanging. Lip was right—he and Ian never really were all over each other, especially not like this, outside of the context of their room, when they were very much always all over each other.

Lip kept studying them, and the corner of his mouth eventually ticked upward. “It’s good. He’s definitely not this… comfortable with anyone else. Including me, which is definitely saying something.”

It felt weird, to get something like what felt like Lip’s full blessing at a raunchy Gallagher party months after he and Ian had gotten married—but that was also exactly what it felt like was happening.

Lip’s eyes suddenly darted across the room, to where Tami was holding up his coat and gesturing to the door. Lip rose from the barstool, stubbed out his cigarette, and put out a hand to clap Mickey on the shoulder as a goodbye.

“Catch up with you later, Mick.” Lip reached out and jokingly tousled Ian’s hair. “Make sure this one doesn’t hate himself too much tomorrow morning.”

Mickey smirked. Ian was practically asleep and drooling on his shoulder, his breathing turned steady—Mickey reached a hand up to card through his hair, then gently shrugged his shoulder to get Ian’s head to rise from where it was jammed on his neck.

Ian raised his head, his eyes bleary and confused at first, then softening around the edges when he met Mickey’s gaze.

“Alright, let’s get you home, carrottop.”

#did i read this before posting it???? nope #this is so silly but was also living RENT FREE in my brain #also this is temporally separated from the last ep lol bc i do not have it in me to write anything heavy this week #drunk happy husbands only !!!!#🙅🏻‍♂️‼️#gallavich #gallavich fic #shameless #shameless fic #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #ian x mickey #ian and mickey #ixm #gallavich fanfiction

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littoraly-art · 3 years

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😌 💕 i feel so loved, thank youu

and might I say, you have a Very Big Brain

also 👉👈 Im sorry for the weird ask format bc uh somehow I deleted the original draft but was able to screenshot the ask bc.. long story, ANYWAYS

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A/N: this will be slightly divergent from my previous baby!Lamb fics. (But only because I briefly mentioned Geralt in my last one)

A/N 2.0: im gonna start doing page breaks for my fics bc it'll be easier organization

• General

• Fluff

• Lambert, Eskel, and Geralt

• Wolf Pup Shenanigans

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The first inkling of Eskel's suspicions started with when he set about making Lambert's new poppet.

He was seated on the low wall–the one that bordered the vegetable garden–and were basking in the warmth of the sun that gently tickled their skin. They'd been given an afternoon of free play and Lambert, for one, liked watching for birds so that he could scare them off with lots of yelling, accompanied by the brandishing of a stick. He said it was much more fun than dealing with the other students and definitely much more fun than sitting in the library with Vesemir.

Eskel couldn't blame him.

The older boy was balanced on the wall with his legs tucked into a neat criss-crossed position so that all of his materials could sit in his lap as he worked. He really didn't mind accompanying Lambert out there because he could sew just as well out there as he could anywhere else. Plus, it was fun to listen to the other wolf chatter on about his day.

Said redhead was walking himself along the wall, balancing and doing little pirouettes every so often. And, every so often, Eskel would pipe up, "wrong," causing Lambert to freeze before righting his footing. Oh, and sticking his tongue out at the older boy.

"Can you give the poppet hair?"

Eskel lifted his eyes to watch as Lambert spun yet again before the other boy jumped down and snatched up his stick from where it was laying on the ground.

"Hair? Like.."

"Like the ones in the shops down in Ard Carraigh," Lambert chirped in response, remembering back to the city he'd only ever been through once. He flashed a grin at Eskel as he climbed back up onto the low wall, now with mock sword in hand.

"You know you're not supposed to practice your drills alone."

There was a dramatic sigh and a roll of Lambert's eyes as he began smacking, along the wall with his stick, instead. "So.. Can you give it hair?"

"I.. sure?" Eskel tipped his head to the side in brief consideration and then dropped his eyes back to the item in his hands, returning to his sewing. Watching as the needle swam in and out of the soft linen fabric. Pricking his finger every so often as his tongue lightly poked out between his teeth. "..What color? Red, like yours?" Not that he knew where he'd find that color. They didn't have any dyed yarn that he was allowed to use, that he knew of.

"No. White."

Eskel paused as he lifted his eyes back to watch his friend as the younger boy was now trying to whack the stick against the heavy bough of the half dead tree that stood, gnarled, on the other side of the wall.

"White?"

"Yeah, I want it to be white."

Eskel regarded the other curiously with a tiny little smile before looking back down at his project, yet again. "I don't think we have any white yarn. How about grey or brown?"

Lambert halted in thought, holding his stick above his head with both hands. It only took a moment's consideration before he nodded lightly. "Grey works."

- -

The second instance, that Eskel stumbled upon, seemed to only confirm his suspicions.

Lambert was perched on a rickety bench that sat to the side of the training yard and he was watching raptly as one of older mentors was running Eskel's peer group through a drill that incorporated Aard. Eskel was stood off to the side to observe since he was the most adept at Signs than the rest of his peers. This allowed him to help call out mistakes, when need. And, at the moment, it allowed him the opportunity to look over and see that Lambert was zoned in on one student in particular.

Geralt.

The white haired boy was a mischievous, headstrong thing who had quite the aptitude for the graceful maneuvers of the Wolf School. His chin length, slightly curly hair was held back with a simple brown headband and the item effectively kept his hair out of his face as he twisted about in the drilled sequence.

Lambert had his knees tucked against his chest, arms wrapped 'round them and his chin settled softly on top as he studied the scene in front of him. His wide eyes followed every single movement as he murmured the names of each maneuver, under his breath.

As Eskel was called back into the group, he made a mental note to give the poppet a headband along with the white hair, and he grinned to himself.

Leave it to Geralt to inspire such dazzled eyes and intent focus.

Lambert had really come down to the training yard so that he could grab Eskel once he was done for the day. He had a whole list of things he wanted to do before dinner and he absolutely needed Eskel to join him in his plans. It wasn't fun to get up to trouble alone, after all.

He however realized that, as he sat to wait for Eskel, he could just as happily take that time to watch Geralt.

Geralt was the best.

He was strong and fast and funny and stubborn and so very sure of himself and goodness! Just everything that Lambert could ever dream of being.

But, he had never interacted with him before. Oh, no, no. Lambert couldn't risk that. What if Geralt thought he was dumb like the other boys did? What if he thought it was weird that Lambert looked up to him as a role model? He could not risk that.

He wouldn't know what to do if that happened.

So, there he sat, for the entire session. He sat, quiet and respectful, not interrupting so that he wouldn't be asked to leave. (Which definitely had never ever happened before..)

At the end, when all the equipment was being packed up and put away, Lambert jumped up from his spot and began making his way across the yard. He clasped his hands behind him and took steps that had a subtle little skip to them, running over his list of plans in his head.

That was when he froze, though. He watched, while holding his breath, as Geralt slung his arm around Eskel's neck and the two older boys laughed together about.. well, something. Lambert's eyes were as wide as could be and he brought his hands in front of himself to fidget as he took a couple steps back.

Oh.

The conversation between the two continued on before Eskel spotted Lambert, giving him an easy grin. He then, to Lambert's horror, began to guide Geralt over, arm around his friend's middle as they still chattered.

Once it was confirmed that they were definitely headed towards him, Lambert spooked. He was not ready to meet Geralt. Not like this.

He had an utterly embarrassed expression on his face and fidgeted with his hands more before twisting on his heel and taking off.

Not today.

"Lamb?"

Eskel knocked on the door that was already partially open but then he stuck his head into the room, where he spotted a large lump underneath the blanket that was draped over the far bed. The older boy smiled lightly and then slipped inside the room, gently closing the door behind him.

"Are you asleep?"

"Mm.."

"Did I just wake you?"

"..No." The voice that came after a little groan, and the sound of a yawn, said otherwise and Eskel's smile widened.

"Okay, well, sit up because I have something for you," Eskel hummed and then climbed onto the bed, holding the finished poppet in his lap. "'t's gonna to be dinner time soon anyways."

A fiery mop of curls revealed itself from under the covers and Lambert sat up fully, turning to Eskel with a tilt to his head. Questioning. Until he saw tha finished poppet, that is.

"It's done!"

"Yep. Here you go," He laughed as he handed it over. "And it looks enough like Geralt, don't you think?"

Lambert held it at arm's length with a grin before frowning quickly and furrowing his little brows. "It's not.. that's not why–"

"Well, sure it is," Eskel laughed again, good naturedly and then shifted so that he could flop onto his back, laying next to Lambert. "I can see how much you look up to him."

"That's not.."

"Nothing wrong with it, Lamb."

Lambert eyed him for a long moment and then dropped onto his back as well, so that they could lay shoulder to shoulder, as he hugged the poppet to his chest.

"..Do you like it?"

"Yeah, you did a good job," Lambert mumbled and then nudged his elbow into Eskel's side. "Thanks."

They fell into a comfortable silence as they both stared up at the ceiling, where hewn timbers ran from one side to the other. Eskel could practically feel Lambert thinking so he left him to that, knowing the other boy would speak up eventually.

And sure enough, he did.

"You're friends with him?"

"Who?"

He knew who.

"You know who."

"Who?"

"Geralt.." Lambert huffed and whined in annoyance as he kicked his foot against Eskel's leg.

"Oh.. him," Eskel stressed, teasing his friend and earning himself another light kick. "Yeah. I am. We've been friend since before me an' you were friends."

That made Lambert sit up with another huff, this one sounding particularly offended. "What? And you never told me?" He complained loudly.

"I didn't know you wanted to know..!" Eskel responded, laughing as he shook his head. "And how did you not know? We always do stuff together."

"Well–" Lambert frowned and then shoved Eskel's knees that were in a bent position, with his feet flat on the mattress. "I just didn't know!"

"Alright, alright."

Another bout of silence settled and Eskel was grinning to himself as Lambert stared down at his poppet with a look of intense focus. He draped an arm over his face so that his elbow covered his mouth; he really was trying to stop himself from laughing.

"Can I meet him?" The younger trainee said quietly, playing with the arms of the doll.

"Yeah. Go ahead. I think he's probably already down, ready for dinner."

"No!" The redhead shook his head and gave a pout as he looked up and hugged the poppet back against his chest. "You have to introduce me to him."

Eskel quirked a brow and then gave a laugh–one that he quickly apologized for when Lambert whined in offense. "Why?"

"Because.. Because I dunno what I would say," He explained in embarrassment, looking down and Eskel found himself making a sympathetic noise.

"He's just another kid like us. Just say hi."

"No.." He whined more insistently and shook his head. "You have to do it. Please, please, please? Esk, pleeeease?" He pouted more after drawing out the 'long e' sound.

"Ugh, come on." Eskel clambered off the bed and then stood up, snagging his fingers around Lambert's arm.

‐

"Geralt?" Eskel reached out to tap his friend's shoulder, and showed a sunshiny smile immediately as the other boy twisted around on the bench.

"What.. do you need?" He said slowly as he eyed Lambert–who was clutching onto Eskel's hand and partially hiding himself, eyes huge and round once again–curiously with a slight laugh.

"Lamb here wanted to meet you but wasn't sure what to say because he's embarrassed and shy," Eskel explained, to which Lambert immediately argued,

"What? Why would you tell him that? Prick!"

Geralt grinned and pushed himself to his feet as his hands settled on his hips. "He doesn't sound shy."

"Yeah! M'not!" There was a roll of eyes and huff from the youngest of the three as he let go of Eskel's hand. He folded his arms and stomped a foot.

Eskel had a proud smile on his face, having known that that would successfully crack Lambert out of his shell. The redhead was always quick to argue with things like that.

"So, Lamb?"

"Lambert." Said boy lifted his chin in a stubborn way, after correcting the nickname, and sticking out his hand for a handshake.

Geralt and Eskel smiled even more as they exchanged glances.

"Nice to meet you, Lambert," Geralt hummed and clasped the other boy's smaller hand and tilted his head to the side as he laughed. "Want to sit next to me during dinner?"

As his hand was dropped and that invitation extended, Lambert glanced over to Eskel with another wide eyed expression. Eskel simply shrugged with a big smile as he walked away to find his own spot.

He then looked back to Geralt who was gesturing to the bench with a raised brow and Lambert straightened himself up more, eyes bright.

"Would I ever !"

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@persony-pepper @lovelyeskel

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taxicabinmemphis · 4 years

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Prince Charming - Chapter 4

chapter one - chapter two - chapter three - chapter four - chapter five - chapter six

Word count - 4,094 Pairing - Intrulogical, Prinxiety (I didn’t plan it, it just kinda happened and I rolled with it), pre Moceit Warnings - some characters are a lil insensitive in spots but I wouldn’t call them unsympathetic, creativitwins angst ig, swearing, food mention, self-deprecation from most sides bc they’re all wrecks, character injury, pining, and then there’s Remus-typical behavior (body horror mentions, sexual innuendo/mentions of sexual stuff, and other stuff heh), if there’s anything else that should be tagged or put in the warnings, tell me!

The six sides and their horses eventually arrived in Azeria. Remus had abandoned his plan that would allow Janus to escape and instead was pondering his best friend’s love life. Logan and Janus were tired of the adventure and wanted to leave, while Patton and Virgil were hoping to finish so they could treat their injuries. The brothers, however, were having fun and expressed no desire to leave.

“Well, we’re here!” Roman stated as they got to the stables. He dismounted.

“Finally,” Virgil muttered under his breath, before dismounting. “Where should I put Sally, Roman?”

“Over there is fine.” He pointed to where Virgil should leave his horse.

All the other sides dismounted and left their horses in the stables. They walked into the castle, entering the tower where they kept the crown jewels.

“Care to do the honors, Patton?” Roman offered, as Patton was currently wearing the backpack which held the jewels.

Patton walked over to the open glass case. He opened the backpack, removed the jewels, and placed them carefully onto a velvet blanket which covered the bottom of the case. Roman closed the case after Patton finished, and Virgil clapped a hand on the fatherly side’s shoulder.

“Good work, Dad,” Virgil praised. “Thanks for carrying the jewels and keeping them safe.”

“Out of our dirty hands, you mean?” Remus teased.

“As a matter of fact, yeah,” Virgil said, malice in his tone.

Janus put an arm around the emo’s shoulders. “Oh come now, Virgil. You’ve beaten us once, we know not to try again.”

“Hmmph,” Virgil huffed, shrugging off Janus’ arm. He glared at him, suspicion evident on his features.

Janus gave a small laugh and turned to Roman. “What happens now, Roman?”

“Does this scenario end?” Logan asked, masking the hopefulness that would otherwise have been clear in his tone.

“There’s so much more we can do in this adventure!” Roman argued.

“We’re already having dinner way later than normal….” Patton objected quietly. “We shouldn’t hold off on it for much longer.”

“Patton is right,” Logan agreed, “we wouldn’t want to eat too late and end up having trouble getting to sleep on time.”

Roman rolled his eyes. “How about we go to the courtyard and clear everything up. You know, finalize what happened and such.”

“That sounds acceptable,” Logan said.

The sides then left the tower, exited the castle, and went to the courtyard, the flowers surrounding it making Patton’s face light up. The pristine white walls of the castle surrounded them fully on one side and partially on two sides, and the grass was a healthy shade of green. The darker, evening sky inhibited a clear look at their surroundings, though the pretty blues and purples above them seemed to make up for it. The sun would set soon, and the six would likely get the pleasure of watching it, depending on how long it took to end the adventure.

“May I sit on that bench?” Virgil asked, pointing to an ivory-colored bench near where they were standing.

“I’d like to as well,” Patton added, raising his arm slightly.

Roman nodded. “Of course. We can talk near the bench.”

Virgil and Patton sat next to each other on the bench. The four others stood in front of it, each of them standing where they could see each other.

“Okay, so we have the crown jewels, Remus and Janus are in custody, Virgil has been released and is now a citizen of Azeria, and us knights are okay. Anything else we should clarify?” Roman said.

“I was given full permission to annoy Logan while in custody.”

Roman rubbed his temples in annoyance. “No. Logan is a valued knight and respected citizen, we wouldn’t subject him to your company.”

Remus laughed. “Logan visits me in prison, then we fuck-”

“Remus!” Patton exclaimed, hitting his arm.

“Sorry, Pat, but yeah.” Remus shrugs. “That’s what happens.”

The sides looked at Logan, whose face was ducked and buried in his hands.

“No, it isn’t,” Roman disagreed firmly. “Anything else?”

“Reptania and Azeria eventually work out their problems and become allies?” Patton suggested.

Roman stared at him for a few moments, blinking a few times before answering. “I mean, sure. We don’t want these crazies in our dungeons for too long. They would get annoying.”

Virgil snorted. “True that.”

Silence surrounded the group.

“Well then,” Janus said, breaking the silence. “It seems that we’re fini-”

“Look,” Patton interrupted with a gasp. “The sunset.”

The five other sides trained their gazes on what Patton was looking at, and their faces all contorted to an expression of surprise and wonder. The sky was painted in a beautiful display of reds, oranges, yellows, pinks, and purples which contrasted with the canvas of dark blue incredibly well.

“Preeeeeeeetty,” Remus commented softly, holding out the ‘e’.

“As pretty as Logan?” Roman mused, glancing at his brother shortly, before returning his eyes to the colorful sky.

Remus’ face pinkened. “As pretty as Virgil?” he shot back with a scowl.

Roman let out a low sound of annoyance, but he left the conversation at that, preferring to appreciate the sunset than argue with his brother.

The sides spent a good five to ten minutes admiring the sunset, Patton making sure to snap pictures.

Janus cleared his throat. “We really should get going, as it seems that we’re finished.”

The others nodded, slowly tearing their eyes from the sky. Roman snapped his fingers and his fellow sides returned to their normal clothes.

“We could’ve just done that instead of changing earlier?!” Virgil asked incredulously.

Roman shrugged. “Not sure. Maybe, but I don’t think so. Who knows? But now you don’t have to struggle with removing chainmail.”

Virgil groaned and threw his head against the back of the bench.

“Next time, Roman, you should play the villain!” Remus said teasingly, leaving the castle grounds and walking towards the door out of the Imagination, his fellow sides joining him. “Bet you’ve never done that before!”

Roman shook his head. “I am a prince, not a villain. And why not let the resident villain play the part? Besides, I’m the only side here who knows how to be heroic, romantic, and charming.”

Remus’ footsteps slowed, but he eventually reached the door, his mood having soured immensely. He left the Imagination, leaving the door ajar behind him.

Patton, Janus, and Logan followed him out the door, Roman walking towards it himself. His hand grasped the doorknob, and he opened the wooden door slightly, only for his efforts to meet an opposing force that stopped the door from opening further.

The prince looked behind him to see Virgil standing there, left hand on the door.

“Hey there, Princey,” Virgil greeted quietly.

“Virgil,” Roman replied, showing clear confusion.

The purple-clad side took a deep breath. “I was hoping we could discuss something.”

Roman’s eyes widened in surprise, his grip on the doorknob slipping. He hardly registered Virgil closing the door after his hand fell to his side. Roman quickly concluded that Virgil’s previous statement was a softened and less anxiety-inducing version of the phrase “we need to talk”.

The realization made his stomach drop.

He followed Virgil away from the door and back over to the courtyard. They stopped at its entrance, and Virgil turned to face Roman.

“Roman, I have a few questions about some of today’s events,” Virgil said slowly. “As you know, I’m anxiety. I pay attention to behavioral red flags and abnormal actions and they will bother me until I get answers. So to spare future Virgil insomnia, could I please get clarification on a few things?”

Roman took a moment before answering. “And...none of the other sides’ behavior bothered you? Just mine?”

“Afraid so, Princey,” Virgil replied with a grimace. “At least when it came to the way they acted with me. Everything with Patton and Janus followed, except for one thing I managed to figure out. And no one else talked with me much.”

“Alright then,” Roman said, clearing his throat. “Fire away, I guess.”

Virgil shifted his feet. “I suppose I should start with the most recent source of alarm...back during the ride from Reptania? We were talking, and I rejected the idea of riding faster due to my soreness, and you said you wouldn’t cause me any harm or some cutesy shit like that, and then you ended up speeding up? I’m not mad by it or anything and I was eventually able to get used to the added pain it caused but I’m still confused by your actions.”

Roman felt a pang of guilt in his chest. Virgil’s sarcasm towards his care for the anxious side had angered him and slightly hurt his heart, so he sped up to be petty. He didn’t take Virgil’s injured state into account when committing the action, but now wished he did.

“Was that nice thing you said before you sped up sarcastic or something? I mean it was very dramatic like sarcasm often is, but you’re extremely dramatic so I thought it was you being you...maybe I read you wrong-”

“No, Virgil,” Roman finally spoke, raising a hand to halt his companion’s spiraling speech. His head was ducked down and he refused to meet Virgil’s eyes. “The comment was sincere.”

“Then why…”

“I…” Roman really didn’t want to answer this question, “I’m sorry. Your sarcasm after my comment wounded me when it really shouldn’t have because you’re such a sarcastic person by nature. I then forgot all about your injuries and sped up to be petty. I’m so sorry Virgil, and I am absolutely disgusted by myself for causing you pain. Especially after declaring I wouldn’t. You must be so angry...so rightfully angry.”

Virgil looked at the prince for a few silent seconds, blinking while he contemplated his dramatic and apologetic exposition. “I...I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I was flattered and didn’t know what to say so I reverted to my normal sarcasm. I should’ve realized what I said might hurt you. And...I’m not angry, Princey. I was just confused and maybe a little annoyed.” Virgil paused for half a second, pondering whether or not to say his next words. “Don’t be angry at yourself, or...disgusted. Lashing out without care is normal, especially for someone as passionate as you. I’m fine now, the additional pain has faded, and I’m not annoyed anymore.”

Roman slowly lifted his head and let himself make eye contact with Virgil. “I...But you still suffered, Virgil, at my hand.” Roman clenched his fist and closed his eyes.

Virgil let out a tiny laugh. “Seriously, Roman. I’m fine. I didn’t suffer or anything that dramatic. Stop beating yourself up about it.”

Roman stopped, looking back to Virgil. He took a deep breath. “Okay. I acted insensitively out of anger. It was stupid. I apologize. I understand that you were...wait, flattered?” Roman stopped, remembering what Virgil said earlier.

Virgil’s eyes widened. He forgot he’d said that. “Yeah,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck with his left hand. “‘Your safety is my priority’? ‘I will instigate nothing that will cause you harm’? Those are some pretty sweet words you said there, Roman. I guess it, uh…—” he lowered the volume of his voice, “—made me feel a little special.”

Roman’s face had reddened at Virgil repeating Roman’s declaration from the horseback ride and emphasizing its kindness. But he smiled too. He made Virgil feel special.

“Not to say I’m not aware of how drama and bold declarations of action and emotion are basically your main way of interacting with others,” Virgil started to backtrack, “and maybe it shouldn’t have flattered me the way it did, considering you always act like that, but it did, and I’m sorry it made me say something that hurt you.”

“You needn’t apologize further, Virgil,” Roman said, a fond smile adorning his features. “I am aware of how passionate I am, especially towards you, and I should have considered that before I did what I did. If what I say bothers you, please tell me. I have no desire to hurt you.”

Virgil’s gaze was on the grass from Roman’s offhanded flirtatious comment. “What you say doesn’t hurt me or anything, and I know it’s just you being you. Compliments aren’t something I navigate well either and it’s not like anyone else speaks half as dramatically as you, so if you say something nice, it’s really nice and I don’t know how to respond. That’s all.”

Roman chuckled, the smile staying on his face as he glanced over and internally marveled at Virgil’s lovely facial features. “Hmm, flustered Virgil. Something that seems so alluringly impossible but is existing before my eyes. Truly, a wonderful sight.” Roman’s smile only widened at Virgil blushing, and he got back on topic. “What else did you wish for us to discuss, Virgil? I remember you mentioning that there was more than one worry on your mind.”

“I, uh, yeah,” Virgil said weakly, still bashful from Roman’s words. “Roman...Patton’s hit to my stomach didn’t knock me out. It couldn’t have, to be honest. And I remember everything that happened. Everything that was said.”

Roman frowned. “What are you trying to say here, Virgil?”

“Why were you so angry?” Virgil asked softly, looking into Roman’s eyes. “You were so mad, so incredibly furious at Patton…. No one else was. And you didn’t know the whole story.”

“Virgil…”

“Again, I’m not mad,” Virgil clarified. “Or disappointed, or anything of the sort. I’m just confused. I mean, as soon as you learned Patton was the one who knocked me down, you were so angry! You didn’t even listen to his defense...it took Janus yelling at you and his explanation to shut y-- to stop your anger. Your apology was fine and sincere and Patton understood your actions so, again, I’m not mad. Why were you so angry, though? No one else was. But you were. Why?”

“I…” Roman trailed. “I care about you, Virgil. You know this.”

Virgil’s eyebrows creased. “Is this your way of telling me the others don’t?”

“No!” Roman exclaimed. “I just...didn’t like to see you hurt. My fight with Remus, while it got a bit angry verbally, neither of us were injured. The same happened in Janus and Logan’s sword fight. It was as if there was an unspoken rule that no one should be hurt. I didn’t think that you getting hurt was fair. And so I lashed out at Patton...the person who seemed to break that rule. I know it was wrong to do so as I didn’t have all the information and am very aware of how much he loves and cares for you, but I wasn’t thinking. I was just angry. I apologize. I know how much Patton means to you, and I’m sorry for making him feel bad when he shouldn’t. When he didn’t deserve it.”

Virgil nodded. “I get that, I guess. You don’t need to apologize any more though, you already did. Again, I’m just...shocked that you were the one who got so mad at him….”

“Is that really so hard to believe, emo nightmare?” Roman asked with a smile. “I’m the one in the group who goes after those who I believe have done wrong, I’m the one who doesn’t listen when I should—”

“Roman…”

“—and I’m also the one who tries to valiantly protect people. Not anyone else.”

Virgil chuckled, shaking his head. “You don’t need to protect me, Roman. I’m fight or flight, right? I can do the fight part for myself, you know.”

“Aww, but what if I want to protect you from harm?” Roman teased.

Virgil hit Roman’s shoulder lightly. “You don’t need to. Besides, the harm had already been done.”

Roman chuckled, taking a tiny step closer to Virgil. “Don’t try to stop me from protecting you, My Chemically Imbalanced Romance. There’s nothing you can do about it.”

Virgil snorted. “I can try.”

Roman laughed, shaking his head. “Why can’t you let me show my love for you the way I know how to?” The question was light, joking, casual. It meant next to nothing to Roman when it left his lips.

However, it had the opposite effect on Virgil. He looked down towards his feet, noticing how Roman was four feet away from him. The anxious side didn’t know whether to be happy the creative side couldn’t see his blush or sad he wasn’t closer.

“Y-Your love for me?” Virgil asked quietly, still looking at the grass.

“Of course, my raisin oatmeal cookie. You are my fellow side, my friend, my lovely Incredible Sulk! Don’t we all love you?” Roman replied, more nervous than he let on.

“O-Oh, yeah.”

“And even still, how could anyone not love you?” Roman said with a laugh.

Virgil’s face reddened further. “Can’t be too hard. I seemed to do it without trying.” The nervous side chuckled, approaching the worrisome comment casually, trying to impart sarcasm. He figured a joke would divert any possible attention from his blush.

Roman frowned, looking at the ducked head of Anxiety. “Well, that just won’t do.”

“...What?”

“My wonderful Charlie Frown, we can’t have you not loving yourself,” Roman said, dramatic but soft. He then put his hand under Virgil’s chin and delicately lifted it so he could meet his eyes. He gazed into them, admiring the beautiful shades of purple and green.

“Oh, Princey, it wasn’t that serious-” Virgil started to object, glancing away from Roman.

“No no no,” Roman silenced him, moving his hand from Virgil’s chin to in front of his lips, his index finger pointed up as a signal for him to stop talking. “You have to know how amazing you are, or at least learn.”

Virgil shook his head rapidly. “No. No, no. We are not doing this. It’s not that important anyway. Please don’t do this.”

Roman shook his head. “Do what? Tell you how spectacular you are?” His hand dropped from in front of Virgil’s mouth.

“Spectacular is subjective,” Virgil objected. “But yeah. Don’t do that.”

“Hmm…” Roman seemed to be pondering this. “Considering we are supposed to be talking about other topics, I guess I’ll do so another time, my dazzling Doctor Gloom.”

Virgil exhaled lightly. He was free of compliments for the time being. He didn’t dare argue, as that might cause Roman to take back what he said and say nice things about him. Virgil didn’t think he could take all of Roman’s dramatic sweetness, especially considering it was all platonic...right? He did say ‘friend’….

Roman looked at Virgil, his friend, his former enemy, with overwhelming love in his eyes. While it would be wrong of him to compliment him now, he couldn’t just leave that at that. He had to do something to demonstrate that Virgil should love himself. At least, that he was loved by others.

“Oh, Roman, look.” Virgil’s voice was small with wonder. His eyes left Roman’s and rested on the night sky above them. “The sun has set and the stars are out. There’s so many of them!”

Roman turned his head from Virgil to look. “Indeed. It’s quite beautiful.”

“Yeah…”

“Almost as beautiful as you.”

“You corny son of a bitch!” Virgil exclaimed, whacking Roman’s arm. “You said you’d stop complimenting me. And gosh, even if you still did, that was too cliché.”

“What? You walked right into it,” Roman defended with a shrug. “I’m not wrong either.”

Virgil took a deep breath, repressing his annoyance and a blush that wanted to crawl across his cheeks. “No more, Princey.”

Roman laughed, glancing at Virgil. His eyes lingered on the anxious side and the unique way the stars lit up the face Roman already adored so much.

Virgil glanced at Roman, doing a double take when he noticed the creative side’s eyes already on him. “What is it, Roman?”

Roman chuckled, placing his hand and laying his gaze on Virgil’s jaw, finger grazing over the white foundation that covered the emo’s face. He flicked his eyes up to meet the purple and green ones of his companion. “Oh, Virgil. Sweet Virgil.” Roman could see the red even through the makeup. He took a few steps closer to him. “May I kiss you?”

Virgil’s eyes widened. This was one of, no, the last thing he ever expected to leave Roman’s mouth. He stared at Roman—looking so absolutely majestic in the moonlight, so unbelievably attractive. His prince, his creativity, his talented, charming Roman was asking if he could kiss him.

“Please,” Virgil whispered, the one word laced with clear desire.

Roman smiled widely, looking down at his emo and placing his lips against his. They both closed their eyes, Roman’s hand not leaving Virgil’s jaw and his other arm encircling the purple side’s waist. Virgil wrapped his left arm around Roman’s neck and rested his right hand on the prince’s chest.

The kiss was delicate and so incredibly loving. It was purposeful, but soft. There was no lust but oh so much romance, no need for more but also quite desperate. The kiss wasn’t short—and it seemed just long enough—but it still had the two treat every second of it like precious gold as they savored the other like rich chocolate consumed on a warm evening. It left the two addicted to the other in a way that made sure what had just occurred would happen many more times in the future.

The two pulled away at the same time, letting their lips part so terribly slowly it was as if they were trying to make the most out of the last couple of seconds. Their eyes stayed closed, their arms not moving from where they were positioned on the other, and their faces flushed from the kiss.

Roman opened his eyes first: slowly, and with reluctance. He swept his thumb under Virgil’s closed right eye lightly, across his eyeshadow, and smiled at the beauty that was his emo. A part of him wanted him to lean down and kiss him more but another wanted to watch his radiant romance process what happened.

Roman watched as his purple prince opened his eyes slightly and smiled at him. Roman, already smiling, just looked at Virgil with fond wonder, always thinking the side couldn’t get more attractive and then constantly being proved wrong.

“Was it nice?” Roman asked after a comfortable silence, voice low and quiet. He moved his hand from Virgil’s jaw to brush hair out of his face.

“Nice? No,” Virgil replied at the same volume, sliding his right hand up Roman’s chest and around his neck. “Wonderful beyond words? Definitely.”

Roman put his forehead against Virgil’s, humming as he placed the hand formerly resting on his love’s face around his waist. “It is my sworn duty to make you happy.”

Virgil chuckled. “I suppose I shall have to take that ‘sworn duty’ upon myself in reference to you now, hmm?”

“Oh, my darling, you don’t have to do anything for me except exist happy and healthy in my arms.”

Virgil snorted. “You’re such a sap, you know that?”

“Yes, I do.”

The two stayed where they were in comfortable silence. Admiring the other, admiring the stars in their peripheral vision, relishing the magnificent feeling that came from being in each other’s arms.

“I had another question, you know.”

Roman hummed in acknowledgment.

“Why did you cast me as the cursed prisoner?”

“You were being annoying. Endearingly so, yes, but the fact still stands.”

“I’m always interrupting you with sarcasm,” Virgil said, shaking his head. “You wanted to save me, didn’t you? The prince, rescuing the prisoner. Very ‘damsel in distress’-esque, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Oh, give me a break. Who can blame me for wanting to save you, and what did you expect when I was given the opportunity?”

“It’s fine, Princey,” Virgil stated with a laugh. “It’s cute. Adorable, really. Very romantic.”

Roman groaned and gave his Virgil a kiss on the jawline. “Take it as a way to tell you that I will protect and save you from harm, especially throughout...whatever we have going on here.”

Virgil chuckled. “I can’t wait.”

The two heard the door to the Imagination open, but they didn’t move away from each other.

“Aww, you two,” Patton cooed. “I finished making dinner. Come now, kiddos, we’re already eating way too late.”

Virgil and Roman gave Patton a nod of acknowledgement and gave each other a short and final kiss before heading out of the Imagination.

Prince Charming Taglist - @the-sympathetic-villain @justanotherhumanstuff @thistledown15

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herotheshiro · 3 years

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so i reread all of behind the desks today lol bc i was thinking abt it last night as i was going to sleep, and also fully read through the epilogue chapters which i don’t think i had done before. which means i read through all of the plot points all at once this time around. i think my thoughts for this readthrough might end up being the length of a regular post so i’m just writing up a new post instead of reblogging my old review of this manhwa. obviously spoilers for the story below the cut

again i like this manhwa mainly bc of 2 things:

i like the juxtaposition of young’s obviously manipulative language with taesung’s innocent language that also sounds suspiciously the same. obviously you know taesung has positive intentions and isn’t a controlling freak like young but it’s such an interesting way to depict the aftermath of an abusive relationship and the difference in intentions despite the same words even though in retrospect that probably wasn’t what the author was trying to do. unless... ?

sunny seo as a character!! on the surface he definitely seems to fall under the standard BL uke tropes of being clumsy and looking pretty and stuck in a love triangle as the shared obj of affection but from the very beginning you already know he’s not a pushover but he just seems like that bc he doesn’t really have or express strong opinions. a lot of BLs tend to have the shared obj of affection be like oh nooo i can’t pick bw the 2 of them... but i mean from the start sunny doesn’t want to be w young and his fear of backlash and change is what motivates his secret-keeping from taesung... also throughout the story they imply that he’s a good match for taesung who canonly likes action stuff by being someone who actually likes high-energy activities/vibes. tl;dr sunny is generally a good character who also has a lot of foreshadowing done for him to reveal aspects of his personality that contribute to the story

anyway onto my thoughts that i had during this specific readthrough

jaeyoon. anyone who read my prev review for this manhwa knows that i had beef w how they used him during the conclusion to young and sunny’s relationship. i now realize that maybe they DID actually give him a face reveal during his wedding when young and sunny split off to chat with a friend each and the friend who spoke to sunny was actually jaeyoon himself... BUT YOU GOTTA FUCKING SAY THAT!! i suspected they were the same guy bc of the hair color and them always hiding jaeyoon’s face until that “random” moment where they give this character who looks like him a face but like i was never sure... no offense to the author or anything but i think you have to put in-text that it’s jaeyoon and not assume readers will know based on your art that it’s him... there are too many side characters who show up so it’s not like we’ve ONLY seen taesung/sunny/young so far so now this 4th person who shows up has to be jaeyoon... i mean maybe other readers ID-ed it as him w no issue esp since he shows up being like ‘dude...’ when that other friend is like ‘well jaeyoon was in rehab and stuff’ but i personally think it should’ve been mentioned in-text esp since that face reveal wasn’t nearly dramatic enough to 100% capture readers’ attentions.

otherwise i think the fact that jaeyoon and taesung are similar is a great plot point. jaeyoon was clearly the only friend in that group who saw young and sunny’s relationship accurately so i’m glad sunny had at least one GOOD friend then. jaeyoon is implied to be someone who takes care of others similar to taesung (even if it’s only sunny he dotes over the most) too. other than young’s general possessiveness of sunny, them being similar also explains why young saw jaeyoon as such a threat. but yeah unfortunately i still don’t think it was handled as well as it could have been.

young’s explanation for his behavior towards sunny... i hesitate to say it was the standard “villain redemption” but tbf i think it was a good explanation for his actions even if it felt a little too clean of a conclusion (young letting go of sunny so easily and also apparently realizing and accepting how damaging he was to him). i say it’s partially redeeming bc it shows that young was kind of trapped in such a specific and damaging way of thinking abt life that it affected how he treated sunny but it’s also not really redeeming him bc like. be normal man lol you don’t have to be like that to others.

separate but related note but young’s mindgaming of taesung... when he was like oh everything abt sunny seo you like is bc of me... like DAMN that’s evil and good (writing-wise). although the thing is that young and sunny also haven’t interacted apparently for 5 years so i mean you do have to realize that by the time taesung reunites w him, sunny has developed enough of an individual personality so it’s not ALL young’s shit.

in my last review i said i felt like i wanted more of young and sunny’s history... tbh i think they gave us enough actually. all we really need to know is that they’ve known each other for a very long time and that young manipulated sunny enough during an impressionable time (young age, college. ppl know how college can be lol) that sunny felt that young was the only one for him. i was actually surprised jaeyoon’s story/details came up so quick in the story (i think it showed up in the 1st half of the manhwa) but i think it was a good point bc the story had to move on to the middle/2nd half of sunny and taesung trying to get their relationship to work. past me was also apparently looking for this scene in the bar apparently where young explains his “reasons” to taesung lol

not really much to say this time abt the hosung x young endgame. still don’t think they should’ve done it or had hosung have unrequited feelings but whatever i guess. tbh i didn’t really realize/connect until this time around that hosung actually was in freelancing art/publishing which was why taesung had him look at sunny’s work lol... i think last time that part in the epilogue hadn’t been translated yet so i just didn’t have the room to make the connection maybs

the epilogue ending... so i actually never read the epilogue ending or at least its eng translation, and i was like hell yea at the full circle shit w sunny being like ‘oh the cherry blossom petals are falling just like when i first met taesung in the infirmary’ but then the ch kept going w taesung and sunny on the beach... idk i think ending it literally at sunny being like ‘w you i feel alive’ was such an abrupt ending... like maybe if they added another panel of them smiling at each other it could’ve been fine but if the author was running low on time i honestly think they could’ve ended it at the scene of sunny accepting his contest award

also when sunny was like ‘yeah lol all my classmates at the children’s book program also get sick all the time’.... i was like bruh this author is prob speaking from actual experience lmao

the other thing abt the ending that was a little random was the quick aside abt taesung’s mom being against their relationship... i mean it was a reference to the mom wanting taesung to get married in the main story but then they dropped it and then suddenly brought it back up again... randomly adding that taesung had a sister who was his contact w their mom... like i get it, it wraps up the loose end of his mom but wow i was uh ok random ch abt potential family conflicts. also where are sunny’s parents lol but that would’ve been too much to get into too regardless of homophobia or not lol

overall it’s still a pretty solid manhwa. stuff proceeds at a good pace and the conflicts/misunderstandings make sense. i said before it’s kinda like a love triangle but it’s really not which works w me bc i don’t like love triangles that much (they stress me out lol); it’s also good bc young is clearly toxic for sunny and it’s good that sunny knows that rather than sunny being like “oh i know he’s bad but also... hmm maybe i can overlook it”. the manhwa’s not perfect -- i still get the sense the writing could be better even if i can’t really enunciate why -- but enough details are tied together that there’s nothing major i have to extrapolate bw (like i can overlook the jooyeon mishap even though it legit threw me off the 1st time i read through). also yes i know the manhwa is based off of a game w characters essentially already established but my understanding is that the author/artist essentially had to write up a lot of the actual story themselves even if they had a general plotline provided to follow

also the final author’s note abt the author personally preferring fucked up stories... when i started rereading i was like wait isn’t this the same artist for that one manhwa where the characters look like the k!lling st@lking? mains and even if i didn’t remember i would’ve realized w that author’s note lol. i think fortunately for them that sunny isn’t an entirely “pure” character so they had enough room to make him a little more twisted.

#reading #reread

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imaginarycircus · 4 years

Text

Today is my birthday and all well wishes are giddily accepted. I’m going to level with you. I’ve felt disappointed in myself lately more and more. For the last few years I’ve been increasingly selfconscious and kind of embarrassed about my age, my appearance, and my lack of success for a given value of success. Like I’m an old washing machine that needs to be taken out back and disassembled for parts or used as a fire pit. The worst part is that I knew I was selling myself a bill of goods and I couldn’t stop.

This is venting. I’d love it if you have time and energy to listen, but please don’t give me advice. If you want to share your experiences or feelings that is cool. I’d love to hear about you. I’m sorry this is like a 3 TED talk series, but you do not have to read it and I don’t expect anyone to do so.

If a friend told me they felt like this I’d theoretically grab their face in both hands and look into their eyes and say, “You precious, wonderful, jar of dumbass jam.”

“You have a messy life and stuff that gets in the way and maybe you’re not always doing your best, but you try to and you’re nice to animals and you sure do cry about them a lot. This writing deal is hard. You started 17 years ago, which was a bit late, and you’ve worked really hard. Despite every rejection, you have not stopped. Do you realize how much better you’ve become than you were? Sure. You’ve had some bad luck. Everyone has, but yours is yours. It sucks, but don’t let it define you. Oh. You already let it define you. Past-you is gone and now-you can stop doing that.

You got the MFA. You wrote a novel and your agent couldn’t sell it, but you did it. And you got an agent, which is pretty good. You did well in that Penguin contest. You didn’t win, but top 50 out of 5,000 isn’t too bad. You created two scripted series and wrote the first season of one of them 2-3 times and planned the other in exquisite detail. It’s in development hell and I know you’re tired and you’ve kind of given up hope, but the people negotiating stuff believe in your work (also @kyrieanne‘s work.) You’ve written a lot. You’re writing a novel right now and your agent is on board. Plus you’re still riding around on this planet. There were times you wanted to get off the ride, but you didn’t.

No one else but you swims in the alchemical product of your past, your traumas, your joys, your education, your hard work, your chronic health issues, and your many mistakes. Own it and fucking walk up the chest of anyone who says you’re not good enough. Yeah. You got walk up your own chest now, buddy. Take some advil. I love you. Take out the trash. And remember you had three separate cancer scares this year. Two surgeries. Two biopsies, one of them a total nightmare, and you were bleeding so much because of that uterine polyp you had no iron for carrying oxygen to your bits and bobs or your brainbox. Take a breath. Take a shower. Drink water. Go out this evening and eat a warm buttered lobster roll and drink some good wine and realize how fucking lucky you are to be able to do that. I love you, you beautiful, dumbass jar of jam.”

But my inner convo has been like, “Dude. Honey. Me. Plz stop. Comparisons are odious. Yes, we like John Donne. No, we do not usually think about ourselves in the third person, but for this exercise it makes sense that even when I am talking to myself I may be talking to another part of myself I’m so at odds with they seem like a different person. We contain multitudes! We also have the adhd and what were we talking about? Oh, yes. We think we’re old and a failure. We’ve bought into it so hard that it keeps us up at night and stalks us during the day. If it walks like a failure duck and talks like a failure duck...

Okay. The WE thing has to stop. Switching to 2nd person, extremely goddamn familiar.

You’re 48 (49 today) and everyone around you is seems so accomplished and has racked up cool resume worthy successes, which you learn about on that bastion or truth and moral rectitude--the twitter. They ARE things. While you? Are nothing in particular. Mostly a lot of “does not live up to potential.” And what the fuck have you done? 3k NY Times crossword puzzles? You haven’t published anything and maybe that’s because you’re not a very good writer. You’ve written a lot of shit in the last two decades, but where has it gotten you? Maybe you’re a dilettante with no substance. You can’t prove you aren’t.

People 20 years younger have accomplished so much more. Now you’re old and annoying and occasionally confused by the youths and their slang. You’re still never sure of the nuance of bougie because it seems to be used in so many different ways. You got cagey about telling anyone your age bc the number sounds alarming. You know you’re buying into a bullshit patriarchal system that devalues people further if they’re no longer baby factories.

And there was that bullshit when some partially baked people told adults to get out of fandom and you kind of said fuck that noise gently with a chainsaw, but you also felt bad. Like an old cranky dude in a ratty old bathrobe who pours beer on his generic cheerios (tragically called rings’o’oats) and shovels them into his mouth thinking about how he could have BEEN someone, but was struck down by tragedy, or an ego so fragile a light breeze destroyed it. Who refuses to teach a young whipper snapper the ancient art of smacking an object from one place to another bc he’s golluming over his manpain. An off-brand Obi Wan who must be harassed to rejoin the human race and who starts to live again after helping some prodigy succeed. Except you? You’re in the ratty bathrobe phase, probably for eternity, and no one is coming to ask you to do anything, because you never did anything. You’re getting wrinkles and you feel invisible a lot of the time in a way that makes you want to set things on fire bc you’re a middle aged lady, who is not particularly pretty, accomplished, or a mom so wtf are you? And you know that’s a world of absolute bullshit, but you’re soaking it like it’s the world’s biggest tub of Palmolive and you don’t remember getting into it. You know what would make you feel better and give you an ersatz sense of accomplishment?”

And then I do another crossword puzzle. I went back into therapy with someone who specializes in adhd. It’s helping. I haven’t been around here much bc... welp. You’re reading this. I didn’t want to be No Face in Spirited Away vomiting all this trash on you, especially because I know it’s the most womp womp, irritating, middle aged white lady thinks her life is hard and must tell you about it at great length. But then I remember my shitty feelings are valid and I do not ever expect anyone to read this so I can put here if it helps me.

I will be fine. These are human shaped problems. But if you’ve read this nonsense and thought about it, giggled at it, or wondered if you should call someone like I’m a cat stuck in a tree who did not know fully comprehend the consequences of her actions? Thank you. I appreciate you. As always I hope a dog looks at you and wants to be your friend, or a cat walks on your hair because it loves you. (It should go without saying, but feel free to substitute any animal or item into my well wishes as per your requirements.) If you need an excuse to eat cake today--I have decreed that you must do this in my honor. But only if you feel like it and you can eat cake. Also the cake can be made of anything. The cake could be avocados or mathematical. Use your imagination.

To wit; I am 49 fucking years old today. I’m owning it. I’m owning every wrinkle and sun spot. (I started using a serum to deal with sun damage and it seems to work. People told me to wear sunscreen, but I did not.) I’m owning my own failures (and sun damage). I’m learning to own my successes too, especially the ones that don’t make sense to other people without a power point presentation, a Q&A, and a ritual burning of certain artifacts.

Here’s what I’ve done with my life. I’ve lived it.

#personal #food cw #blithering about my own nonsense #I'm Stuart Smalley #It's 17 degrees for the 17th?#I apologize for my needlessly Baroque prose #mental health #I never thought I'd be middle aged because it's a state of mind #Now I realize it's the physical equivalent of being a 1985 Honda with 150k miles on it

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snarkystjames · 4 years

Text

Listen To Your Heart || St. Berry

Date: December 13th. Late afternoon

Location: McKinley High School & Rachel’s house

Starring: Rachel Berry @starberrycupcake & Jesse St. James

Notes: Jesse shows up at McKinley after hearing Rachel is banned from seeing her boyfriend. He offers to help her study.

Warnings: partial song fic bc it’s glee (gross)

Rachel Berry:

Rachel had begun the year determined and not distracted by anything and now here she was, almost the end of the first semester of her senior year completely consumed with something other than the future. It had felt so good to be so focused on Hunter and absolutely nothing else but now that she was grounded until her grades were up, she was frustrated with herself. She didn’t regret being with Hunter in the least bit. She’d had the best, most wild three months of her entire life and she wasn’t about to regret any of it because of school. She would just have to pull herself together and quickly get her grades up and she and Hunter would be off to starting their future in no time.

Her teachers were seemingly exasperated with her constant requests for extra credit and make-up work so she could hopefully pull her grade up before her GPA dropped significantly. Though reluctant, they still gave her a much needed chance and she knew that if she could just get it all done she would be set and she could see Hunter on her birthday without having to sneak around. It had only been a couple of days but knowing she couldn’t see Hunter made her want to see him even more.

Rachel was just finishing up glee club when she sent a text to her boyfriend, letting him know she was finally out of class and was thinking of him when she bumped into a familiar face right outside the door, almost knocking her phone out of her hand. “Oh! Jesse!” She glanced around to make sure her glee peers were nowhere to be found. “If any of the New Directions see you, they’re going to flip out on me.” She let her eyes trail up to his face, her demeanor softening a bit. “What’re you doing here, anyway?”

Jesse St. James:

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m here to see you, of course,” Jesse replied with his usual confident demeanor. He had been waiting right outside and as soon as he’d seen Rachel come out of the room, he was right in front of her. He didn’t care whether or not any of the other New Directions’ kids would’ve spotted him. “I’m not here to spy but you were amazing in that last number-- someone might want to tell Finn that he was a little pitchy on the last refrain because he probably doesn’t even realize.”

Jesse smoothed out the front of his jacket, playing with the ends of his chiffon scarf for just a moment before smiling at Rachel. “Vocal Adrenaline is taking a break from rehearsals today-- a rarity-- so I thought it'd be the perfect opportunity to see you. Is your boyfriend going to mind if I'm here to see you?"

Rachel Berry:

Rachel felt a little apprehensive about seeing Jesse at all much less alone, especially considering the smile that involuntary spread across her face at the way he told her he was there for her. Their history was complicated and Jesse had a great track record of making her feel on top of the world and then ripping the rug out from under her. For some reason, however, she trusted him each time. Even now despite her apprehension she could feel the trust.

Rachel chuckled, shaking her head. “Finn was fine, he’ll be ready by competition. We did win Sectionals after all.” A cheeky grin spread across her face as she looked at her former lover but it quickly faded when he mentioned Hunter. She felt mildly uncomfortable in that moment, thinking she should maybe tell Hunter about this little run in. “I’m sure Hunter wouldn’t be thrilled to know you’re here, especially considering that I’m grounded and not even allowed to see him.”

Nibbling on her bottom lip, Rachel glances around again before sighing. He had come all this way to see her. “I can’t really hang out too long because my dads will be home in a couple of hours and I’m supposed to be home when they get there…” she offered, letting him know that if he wanted, she could make the time for him.

Jesse St. James:

“Congratulations on the Sectionals win, by the way. It’ll be fun to see you and your boyfriend go head-to-head at Regionals; I’m sure we’ll be seeing you at Nationals again this year,” Jesse grinned. Upon hearing that she and Hunter were banned from seeing each other due to her being grounded, an idea popped into his head. Any time an opportunity presented itself to Jesse, he was raring to grasp it at first chance.

“So let’s go to your house,” Jesse suggested, completely unbothered with the fact that he just invited himself over to Rachel’s house. “I’m sure your dads will be supportive of you getting homework help from me; I did go to college, after all.” Of course he intentionally left out the fact that he��d dropped out because he didn’t actually go to his classes. But that wasn’t a necessary detail right now.

Rachel Berry:

“Thank you,” Rachel grinned. “It will be a lot of fun because he’s as competitive as I am. That is if the Warblers even let him stay long enough.” She rolled her eyes, sighing as she thought of all the drama that Hunter had been through so far this year. “Of course I’ll be at Nationals. I have to win, it’s crucial to my reputation-- if I can start out in the Broadway scene as a national show choir champion it’ll be extremely helpful in getting the respect that I deserve.”

Rachel raised her eyebrows at how forward Jesse was, though it shouldn’t have come as such a shock. “Jes, what makes you think I can have anyone over if I can’t have my boyfriend over?” She asked him, nodding her head towards the way she would begin to walk. “Wait, you want to help me with my homework?” She giggled. “Do you even know anything about Trigonometry?” Rachel couldn’t remember the last time - if there was ever a time - that Jesse even talked about homework or anything that wasn’t related to show choir or Broadway. “I have some make-up homework- I actually could use help on it.” She said as she approached her locker, opening it up to grab the homework she needed to take home. “I had thought about sneaking out to Westerville but I don’t really have a way to get there and back before LeRoy and Hiram get home so..” She shrugged.

Jesse St. James:

As Rachel walked towards her locker, Jesse accompanied her and met her pace. “Yeah, I’m great at math,” he boasted, though he honestly couldn’t say what he knew what trigonometry even looked like. “It’s just like, adding and subtracting stuff, right? How hard could it be?” At the mention of her going off to Westerville, Jesse nibbled on the inside of his cheek. He wanted to say something about how that was a bad idea and Hunter was causing her to neglect her studies but he thought it wiser to keep his mouth shut.

“Oh, before I forget,” he spoke up as she rummaged through her locker for her things. He pulled out a slim jewelry gift box, held closed by a simple gold ribbon. “I brought you your birthday present in case we don’t see each other before then. I figured you could use the pick-me-up after being grounded, too.” He handed off the box, giving her an expectant look for her to open it now. He looked happy and hopeful as she opened it to reveal a necklace with a small gold star charm.

Rachel Berry:

Rachel shook her head as a giggle fell from her lips. She wasn’t sure if he was joking or not but she was among towards him being serious which was no help to her. Still, it would be nice to have the company for a little bit. She was about to speak again when Jesse interrupted her by pulling out the small jewelry box.

“What’s this?” A grin spread from ear to ear as she closed her locker and took the gift from him. When she opened it up to reveal the golden star, Rachel’s stomach flipped. “Oh, Jes…” her grin faltered a little bit as the weight of the gift settled in her. It was incredibly sweet and it made her heart skip a beat. “You shouldn’t have, I can’t accept this..” she tried weakly to deny his thoughtful gift. “It’s too much.” Her brown eyes looked up to meet his, her voice soft.

Jesse St. James:

“Stop it, it’s your birthday gift,” Jesse pushed, taking the gift box from her and stepping behind her. “A girl such as yourself should have the best accessories to accentuate your beauty and talent.” He helped to put it around her neck and once he was done, he returned to stand in front of her to get a good look. “See? It looks perfect.” You look perfect.

So it was probably pretty obvious to everyone that Jesse still had feelings for Rachel but that didn’t mean he couldn’t do nice things for her-- especially since the gift was for her birthday. With Hunter out of the way for the time being, he knew this was his chance to get back in Rachel’s good graces and establish himself as her close friend. “So? Are we going back to your place to study?”

Rachel Warbler:

Rachel bit down on her lip as Jesse moved to slip the necklace around her neck, placing her hand on the small gold star that now rested on the base of her neck. It was the sweetest gift anyone had ever given her. When he came back to get a look at her, a blush painted her cheeks at his words. Shaking her head gently, Rachel smiled at him. “Thanks, Jesse. I really love it.” She felt the warmth in her cheeks spreading down her neck, the effect he had on her was obvious and she was regrettably transparent.

When Jesse suggested going to her house, she let out a soft sigh, checking the time. “I suppose, but you have to leave at five. You can’t be there when my dads get home, I’m walking a fine line and I don’t want to not see Hunter until we graduate.” She explained as she gathered her things, closing up her locker for the day. Hunter. She again felt compelled to let Hunter know that Jesse had showed up. “And you have to help me with my homework to some extent- no distractions.” Rachel pulled out her phone as she led the way to leave the school, sending a text to Hunter to give him the heads up that Jesse showed up at McKinley and was giving her a ride home. “Can I get a ride home?” She asked Jesse, glancing over at him. “My dads dropped me off and I’m supposed to get a ride from Kurt but there’s no need for him to go out of his way since you’re here.” She smiled.

Jesse St. James:

Jesse grinned ear to ear when Rachel finally agreed to him coming over. Even if it was a few hours, he’d take what he could get. “Yeah, of course. My Range Rover is parked right over here,” he gestured in the direction of his car once they were outside. “I promise I won’t do anything to distract you but I also wouldn’t be opposed to singing with you if you wanted; it’s been a while since we’ve had a duet together. You know our voices sound phenomenal together.”

When they both got into the car, Jesse’s phone connected via bluetooth and he scrolled through his music, looking for the perfect song for such an occasion. He knew the Rachel Berry he loved-- who also loved him-- was in there somewhere… He just needed to coax her out. The opening melody of Roxette’s Listen To Your Heart started playing over the speakers as Jesse started driving out of the parking lot and towards Rachel’s home.

Rachel Berry:

A smile spread across Rachel’s face when Jesse suggested singing with her. It had been a bit since they’d had the pleasure of singing together and she would be lying to herself and everyone else if she said they didn’t fit together vocally. He was the only person that could ever keep up with her talent. That is, until she met Hunter. “I suppose a harmless duet wouldn’t hurt.” She said as she got into his car, settling in and buckling her seatbelt.

When she heard the first note of the song flow through the speakers, her stomach clenched and she glanced over at Jesse, a small grin tugging at her lips. She knew the song and she knew it well, obviously. His choice of song wasn’t lost on her and she knew that she shouldn’t lead him on-- but she also couldn’t resist a chance to belt out one of her most favorite classics. Shifting in her seat a little, she folded her hands in her lap, closing her eyes.

I know there's something in the wake of your smile I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah You've built a love but that love falls apart Your little piece of Heaven turns too dark

Jesse St. James:

Jesse had known that Rachel couldn’t resist this song. When she started singing in that crystal-clear voice that Jesse adored so much, he couldn’t help but to smile and nod his head. He kept his eyes on the road but glanced over to her whenever he had the chance. These days, it was rare for him to hear Rachel singing unless it was at a competition. Singing with her was an even rarer occurrence.

When the next verse started, he sang along with her. Just like the first time they sang Hello together in the music library those years ago, their voices melted together beautifully.

Listen to your heart

When he's calling for you

Listen to your heart

There's nothing else you can do

While stopped at a red light, Jesse looked over to her and when he caught her gaze, smiled brightly at them. Regardless if on a big stage, in the choir room, or doing a little karaoke in the car, Jesse always enjoyed singing with her.

Rachel Berry:

When Jesse’s voice melted with hers during the chorus, Rachel couldn’t stop the smile that appeared on her face, looking over to Jesse to catch his eye when they were stopped.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile

The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah

They're swept away and nothing is what is seems

The feeling of belonging to your dreams

She kept her eyes on Jesse as she sang with him, giving it her all as usual. She could feel something crawling up from the depths of her heart, something that was supposed to be shoved deep down to never be touched again. It felt good to sing with Jesse but for a brief moment as she looked to the man next to her she saw Hunter- the mirage taking her breath for a split second. Rachel shook her head, she sang with other people all of the time, it didn’t mean anything because it was Jesse.

The only man who’d ever come close to knowing her as much as Hunter did.

Jesse St. James:

Jesse was in high spirits as they continued to harmonize through the song. He liked the way she looked at him when they sang to each other. After the song eventually came to an end, Jesse turned down the volume as the next track played.

“Still as amazing as always; it’s a wonder why you’re not already on the fast track to Broadway,” he said to her. They were just a few blocks away from her house by now. “It’s too bad you can’t pass all your classes by just singing… You’d be valedictorian.”

When they pulled up to the house, Jesse parked his car in the driveway. It’d been a little while since he’d been over to her house-- not since when they were still dating each other. It almost felt like stepping into a timewarp, into the past.

Rachel Berry:

Rachel blushed again for the second time that day when Jesse complimented her, giggling softly. “That’s really sweet.” She said, looking over at him as he parked. “What about you, though? You’re equally as talented as I am...if not more so. You shouldn’t be here in Ohio-- you should be in New York already.” She shook her head, her tone serious. “I know Vocal Adrenaline is important to you...but they’re holding you back.”

She knew from the times they’d spoken that Jesse wasn’t back solely for Vocal Adrenaline-- but for her. “You can’t let anything-- including me-- hold you back.” Nibbling on her bottom lip, she grinned a little, reaching over to place her hand on his. “You’re too good for this place, Jes.” Rachel gave his hand a gentle squeeze before moving to take off her seatbelt.

Jesse St. James:

Jesse was quiet for a moment after Rachel told him that he shouldn’t let anything hold him back. It was nice that someone believed in him-- that he was destined for bigger and better things than Ohio. He squeezed her hand back and smiled at her. “This is just a temporary gig-- another credit I can list on my growing résumé,” he insisted, knowing that he couldn’t be confined to such “small picture” ventures.

When they exited the vehicle, Jesse let Rachel lead the way up the path towards the front door. “But for the record, it isn’t you that’s holding me back,” Jesse clarified, pausing for a moment to clear his throat, “New York is still my future. You’re part of that future, too.”

Rachel Berry:

Rachel paused briefly with her keys in the door as Jesse reiterated that she would be part of that future. It was sort of flattering that Jesse was so adamant. She may be part of his future career-wise but romantically she just couldn’t do it. Anytime the thought tried to crawl out from the back of her mind all she could see was Hunter. “We will take over the Broadway scene,” she chuckled, opening the door to let them in. “Our names will be in everyone’s mouth.” She dreamed for a moment about her and Jesse being friends and being a powerful force in New York together.

“You and Hunter getting along is crucial, though, or it’ll never work.” Rachel cleared her throat as she led him into the dining room, placing her things on the table. She was suddenly very aware that she was alone with Jesse and it made her palms a little sweaty. “So, uh, trigonometry…”

Jesse St. James:

"Oh, definitely. The first time you have a leading role, you and I will win for Best Actress and Best Actor; we'll do so much press as the two ingenues from Podunk, Ohio who made names for themselves-- together." Jesse followed Rachel into her home, also acutely aware that with her parents not present it made them very much alone. He took the time to take a look around, familiarizing himself with how things looked similar to the last time he was here. Nostalgia washed over him, picturing his teenage self with a doe-eyed sixteen year old Rachel Berry singing duets together around the piano in the living room.

Jesse forced himself to step away from the past, aware that he needed to put himself in the present to continue being part of Rachel's life. "So what's Hunter's plans? College in New York? He probably wants to do something boring like being an accountant, right?"

Rachel Berry:

Rachel chuckled to herself as she took a seat at the table, noticing the way Jesse skirted around her prompt for the homework help that he’d come for. She should’ve known better-- Jesse couldn’t actually help her with her homework. He just wanted to spend time with her and if she were being honest, she did, too. She wanted to spend time with him without Hunter around so she could assess Jesse’s actual intentions and feelings and if he could actually handle just being her friend.

“I told you, we’re moving to New York. He’s wanting to go to Cornell- which, admittedly, isn’t ideal because it puts two more hours between us than we have now but it’s not like we can’t make it work. We’ll meet halfway most times, I’m sure.” She said, having not given much thought to their future other than the fact that they were going into it together, even if it meant being apart for a few more years. “His father wants him to go into the Navy, follow in his footsteps. But we haven’t talked about that much, though.” Nibbling on her lip, Rachel tried to push the thought from her mind as she usually did. She hoped that when the time came, Hunter would choose her over the Navy without prompt and she didn’t have to be that girl.

Jesse St. James:

“Navy?” Jesse murmured to himself, wondering how that would impact Rachel’s future. “So he’ll be on a boat somewhere? Like a sailor out to sea for weeks and weeks at a time..? Doesn’t sound like fun.” He finished perusing through the living room before returning to Rachel’s side at the dining room table. Her books were spread out on the table and when Rachel opened up the math book, his eyes became wide like saucers. He couldn’t make heads or tails of what he was looking at, but he wasn’t about to make that apparent.

“A sailor and a broadway superstar don’t really mix, do they? It’s not exactly the ‘Broadway power couple’ I envision when I see you walking down the red carpet at events.” Jesse flipped through the pages of the trigonometry book, eyes scanning the content to see if there was even a little bit of something he understood so he could help.

Rachel Berry:

Rachel sighed, looking down at the table as Jesse mentioned Hunter being away for long periods of time out in the middle of the ocean. She really hadn’t taken a moment to sit alone with those thoughts and really assess. She thought being grounded from Hunter was bad, but what about when he was shipped off somewhere and she couldn’t speak to him every single day whenever she pleased? She suddenly felt nauseous.

“M-maybe it’s not ideal. But it’s what he wants...he doesn’t hold me back from what I want.” She was trying to convince herself rather than Jesse. “If...if the Navy is what he wants to do then I can’t stop him.” Rachel trailed off, thinking of the first date she’d gone on with Hunter when they had discussed their lives. “Though...I don’t really think it’s what he wants really. I think his dad is more or less pressuring him into it.” As these thoughts began to nibble at her anxiety ridden brain, she wasn’t so much focused on getting to her homework. Glancing over at Jesse, Rachel shook her head. “Do you know anything about the Navy? Do they, like, go to actual war?” She realized then she had little to no knowledge of any military branch.

Jesse St. James:

Upon hearing that Rachel wasn’t especially supportive of Hunter’s decision to join the Navy, Jesse thought to himself that perhaps he found the fracture in their seemingly perfect relationship. It would be cruel to manipulate Rachel, but honesty was the best policy… Being upfront with her about his opinion of the military wasn’t the wrong thing to do, right? “Oh, I’m pretty sure people in the Navy go to war,” he answered, leaning back in his chair a little. “I mean, I only know from television but there’s a bunch of ships and submarines in the ocean watching the Koreans, right? It’s like, an island, right? So it’s surrounded by water. Isn’t the US. on the brink of a war with them right now?”

He backed off a little when he realized he might be scaring Rachel. “Maybe you can convince him not to join the military. The guy’s in show choir too, right? I mean, there’s no way he can get into NYADA but lots of actors hack it in New York without an education. He could totally get an ensemble role.”

Rachel Berry:

“War?” Rachel asked, looking at Jesse with her forehead wrinkled, the nausea turning her stomach again. “L-like, war?” She shook her head, imagining the worst case scenario. There was a vivid image in her mind of her in New York, alone. And then another of her coming backstage from curtain call of one of her shows to a phone call letting her know that Hunter was dead and never coming back. She took a shaky breath, closing her eyes and shaking her head as she tried to calm the anxiety that was rapidly building in her chest.

“Uh, yeah,” She cleared her through, pressing her lips together as she looked down. “He’s extremely talented. He’s better than me, even. Well...at least just as talented.” Rachel explained, rubbing her hands over her face, taking another breath. “I just don’t…” She tried to get the images out of her head again, sighing. “Maybe...maybe he won’t go. Maybe he’ll change his mind and realize that it’s not his dream and he’ll find something else. Y-yeah...maybe.” Rachel placed her hands down on the table, sitting up a little straighter, visibly uncomfortable, anxious. She didn’t want to think about this anymore, it was scaring her and she didn’t have Hunter there to comfort her and talk it through. She didn’t want to have an anxiety attack in front of Jesse, either, regardless of whether or not he’d seen it before.

Jesse St. James:

Jesse mentally kicked himself when he realized Rachel was on the verge of an anxiety attack, clearly caused by him. “If anyone can convince someone into doing something, it’s you. If he really likes performing as much as either of us you can convince him to do something else with his life. Besides, who goes to college just to waste it in the military? That’s just dumb…” Maybe he would talk to Hunter too; it was the least he could do after making Rachel unnecessarily worry. “I mean, weren’t you just talking about Ohio and Vocal Adrenaline holding me back? Don’t be surprised to run into me this time next year because I am definitely going to New York, too. Even if I have to bus tables while I go to every audition out there, I’m going.”

His tone about New York was much more self-assured than before and it was all thanks to Rachel’s words. She had an innate ability to cheer anyone on, right beside them. Even if Rachel wasn’t actually doing anything, she really was a driving force for Jesse to find his place. He just hoped that when he landed on his own two feet Rachel would be standing right beside him.

Rachel Berry:

Rachel just nodded her head as Jesse tried to talk her down from the looming anxiety attack. “I guess. I...I don’t even really want to think about it anymore.” She tried to get the jarring images to leave her mind as she took a deep breath, appreciating the way Jesse changed the subject.

“Y-yeah...I know you’ll be there. I don’t doubt that.” She looked over to Jesse, placing her hand on his. “That’s why it’s important to me that we all get along. We’re going to be in each other’s professional lives at the very least.” She said, giving him a gentle smile. “It’ll be really nice to have a familiar face to work with, I’m glad it’ll be you. I mean that.”

Jesse St. James:

Jesse nodded a bit when she agreed that they’d all be in New York together. At least while Hunter was in college figuring his future out, Jesse would be the third wheel; he had that much guaranteed for him and he was completely fine playing the slow game. Rachel had almost gone back to him once before, so it was only a matter of time. “Right? The three of us will be bonafide New Yorkers in no-time. Now c’mon, I promised to help you with your math homework so tell me what chapter you’re on and I’ll look up the answers on my phone.”

He was satisfied that he managed to talk her down a bit and she was smiling, so he took it as a good sign. Her worries were obviously still there because a matter like that wasn’t going to be overlooked; Jesse knew her too well to know that he’d inadvertently planted a seed of anxiety somewhere in Rachel’s brain. One thing was certain to him, however: if Hunter was going to commit to the military, things might not work out for him and Rachel. That was the golden opportunity Jesse had been waiting for.

#rachel berry rp #jesse st james rp #st berry rp #glee rp #1x1 rp #paras #para: rachel #rachel

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two-sides-of-the-same-galleon · 5 years

Text

A Steve Rogers x OC Drabble

Hi yes hello. I’ve been planning and stewing over a Steve Rogers/OC fanfic for years, literally since I first saw Age of Ultron. Anyways I saw Endgame again today and clearly it’s given me a LOT of feelings so when I came home I wrote this drabble bc I can. It’s an excerpt that will eventually one day make it into my feature length fanfic but. Until then I’m really proud of it and I love it and I wanted to share it SO. I’ve literally never posted any of my fanfics or anything I’ve written on tumblr. I’ve posted stuff before on fanfic.net and wattpad but never here and none of my Cap stuff since it’s not finished. Anyways, I’m rambling. I’m sorry. This is that scene from the mall in Winter Soldier on the escalator, you know the one.

The trio shuffled onto the down escalator, Natasha in the lead and Steve taking up the rear. Each of them was still on high alert for members of the Strike team that might be on the hunt for them.

“You need to kiss Steve,” Nat suddenly said, turning around to face Heather.

“I’m sorry, what?” Heather replied taken aback.

“Rumlow is on the opposite escalator coming our way, don’t look,” she chastised just as Heather’s eyes started to drift to the left. She snapped her eyes promptly back to Nat but she had already seen Rumlow’s familiar sight too close for comfort - and coming closer. “We need a subtle distraction and public displays of affection make people uncomfortable.”

“But why do I have to kiss him?”

“I think if we kissed it would attract the wrong sort of attention, especially from Rumlow. You’re well versed with his preferences,” Nat replied with a small smirk.

“I wouldn’t say well versed-” Heather started before being cut off again.

“I’d say we have less than 7 seconds until he’s close enough to recognize us.” Heather stared at her friend and teammate fumbling with what to do. Stealing another glance to the opposite escalator told Heather that Nat was right. With every second she took stalling the closer he came to them. She cursed under her breath realizing the other woman was right and time was running out. Heather turned around until she was staring up at Steve.

“I’m sorry about this, Steve,” she said. He stared down at her, about to ask what she meant, but was quickly silenced. In one swift moved Heather placed her hand on the back of Steve’s neck pulling him down closer to her as she pushed up onto her tiptoes, closing the distance between their lips. He recoiled backwards momentarily, clearly shocked from the sudden action, before allowing himself to sink partially into the kiss. He wrapped his arm around Heather’s waist to keep her from falling backwards while also pulling her closer to him.

It took all of Heather’s self restraint to hold back from kissing Steve any more than she was currently. The last time they had kissed Heather had been too stunned to do anything during the short interaction. The same cool electricity, much different than her own powers, sparked between their lips and sent shock waves down her spine. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her other arm around Steve’s neck and kiss him deeply, but she knew this was neither the time nor place for that; if there ever would be one for them. Heather hardly noticed as her fingers started slowly kneading their way into the short hairs on the back of his head.

Natasha suddenly coughed, her way of signaling that Rumlow and the danger had passed. Heather reluctantly pulled her lips from Steve’s but still remained close in his embrace. She looked up into his eyes, their noses close to brushing from their close proximity. The pair stayed in this position, staring into each other's eyes, daring them to say something first. Both parties involved were surprised by sudden action unsure of what it meant.

“Steve-” Heather started quietly, unsure of what she would say next, when Natasha coughed again more urgently. “Come on, we should go.”

Heather grabbed Steve’s hand as she untangled herself from him, pulling him down the rest of the escalator behind her. No one said anything as the party made their way out of the mall, still alert as they scanned their surroundings. She was thankful that Steve and Nat were being so observant, because Heather found herself lost to her thoughts. All of which still lingered on that kiss.

Her lips still tingled from where Steve’s had brushed against them. She could still feel his arm wrapped around her back, her hand on the back of his neck mindlessly tangling in his hair, their bodies still pressed against each other. His musky smell, that Heather always teased smelled exactly like something her grandpa would wear, lingered in her nose. She was reminded of it every time she inhaled.

It meant nothing, Heather told herself. It was just a distraction. Part of the mission. The kiss meant nothing. It meant nothing.

It didn’t though. No matter how many times she told herself and denied the feelings that had sprung up for Steve, they still reared their ugly head with more and more ferocity every time she was around him. Again, this was not the time to bring up her emotions for him. They were technically fugitives and had a job to do. She would stifle her feelings like she did every other time. Like she had been doing her entire life.

“Hey, Heath,” Natasha called, breaking her out of her thoughts. “You with us?”

“Yeah...yeah. I’m here,” she replied, still clearly distracted. She noticed they had made their way far out into the parking lot to the car Steve had hijacked earlier. Nat made a face, clearly not buying Heather’s lies, before climbing into the front passenger's seat. Heather reached for the backseat handle on the drivers side but stopped when Steve placed a hand on the door to stop her.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she replied. Steve looked at her, cool blue eyes staring at her from behind his fake glasses. She would have felt uncomfortable if anyone else had looked at her as intently as Steve did. He seemed to be able to read every look on her face, every emotion that passed behind her eyes. A younger version of herself would have criticized her for becoming so vulnerable and exposed. First Clint had come barging in and gotten close to her, then Emelia, and now here she was, not only allowing herself to be so open with him but falling for Steve fucking Rogers. In all honesty, it had sort of just happened. She didn’t think she could have stopped it even if she wanted to.

“We should go before they catch onto us,” Heather finally said, opening the trucks door and getting in without another look at Steve.

#steve rogers x oc #steve rogers #oc #steve rogers imagine #captain america x oc #captain america #captain america imagine #avengers imagine #avengers fanfic #steve rogers fanfic #Steather #Steve Rogers x Heather Sawyer #Heather Sawyer #Winter Soldier

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bnha-hcs · 5 years

Text

Intoxication - Todoroki x Reader

Hewwo it’s Tiki!! I’m still kicking and hoping you all had a happy holidays!! I was busy working so I didn’t have time to do any sort of christmas time events or anything so I’m super gomen. I also had the fun of being told I have extreme bursitis in my arms/shoulders and being on really rough steroids for a week so it’s been interesting... I still have bursitis I think but my doctor says it actually might be something like arthritis so hopefully I’m not dying. Anyways,,,, I’m doing a con this weekend so I’m staying up writing bc why not who needs sleep. Have a little Todo x reader bc I’ve had this in my head for a while. Also please feel free to send in stuff for that fluff alphabet!!

- Tiki

Todoroki had found himself in a bit of a pickle. He knew he liked you, but he had no clue how to act on this information. Whenever he tried to describe the feeling he got in his chest whenever he was with you, everyone said they were feelings of love or adoration. Ochako had gawked at the sound of something like Todoroki having a crush. She, and the other girls in class 1-A made sure not to disclose this information accidentally to you, but it wasn’t without the few fleeting comments here and there. You were a little confused at times, sure, but much like everything else happening at UA that was weird, you seemed to shrug off like water off a duck’s back. Todoroki had no idea how to even breach the subject of feelings for you, so for the meantime, he had chose to stay silent, much to the suspense and torture of his fellow classmates.

At some point everyone knew, but thankfully not you. People would watch the two of you with much interest in the halls, on the battlegrounds, and even outside of class. Today was like any other old day. It was winter, you walked next to him on the sidewalk on school grounds, and your hands looked awfully cold. Todoroki being his usually aloof self didn’t really think of anything until he saw you fervently breathing your hot breath onto them, watching you with a little curiosity. He could’ve sworn you had gloves before, unless he wasn’t paying attention… But there was something about it that had him reaching for both of your hands cupped by your face.

He grabbed your hands, his own face burning with a feeling of foreign emotions coming over him. In his left hand he activated his quirk enough to warm your hands. You looked at him, quite surprised at his actions and not sure what to even say. Your own face suddenly felt a little warmer, but the red of your cheeks was definitely masked by the cold weather.

“You forgot your gloves.” Todoroki said, definitely not a question like he wanted it to be but, well, good enough at this point.

“Y-Yeah…” You had to stutter out, unsure how even to respond.

You managed to keep it together until your hands were warm enough for Todoroki. How you managed that, you had no idea, but you did it and that’s all that mattered to be honest. After that he had continued on like nothing had ever happened. But it did happen!! And by gods it was kinda weirdly exhilarating!! And what was weirder about it was that it wasn’t the last time it was going to happen.

In fact, more weird incidents started to happen that involved the two of you touching for some sort of elongated periods of time. And the more it happened the more you realized you kind of didn’t mind it too much. Being so close in contact to someone you usually saw as so far away was really… satisfying?? But there was a good chance that the two of you were just really two touch starved idiots.

There was some point that you had heard Todoroki mumble something about his hand hurting, probably from training when he had accidentally slipped up. Him slipping up seemed a little fishy for you in the first place but you didn’t question it even though overworking sounded more apt. You had learned some massage techniques before when an old friend of yours helped you fix your broken ass hand from writing cram papers. So when you heard him say something you decided to extend a helping hand in a sense.

You couldn’t lie though, the faces he made when you first started to dig your fingers into his palm were pretty damn cute. He was trying hard not to make a pained face, but you could tell it really did hurt. So you softened your touch for a bit and noticed him visibly relax. For a while you just sat there with him, gently working your way up past his wrist and partially into his forearm, saying something about how it might be rooted there. Todoroki never really paid attention to what exactly you were saying, and that could be credited to him being the aloof pretty boy that he was, but for a hot second, and a very hot second indeed, he felt like he was a little drunk on your touch. Between going back and forth between his open palm, wrist, and his forearm, you would occasionally ghost your touch across his skin, and it made his face flush just the slightest. At some point you saw him look away, because he was just, REALLY TOUCH STARVED, and this was really not helping him and his feelings towards you.

When you were done he had thanked you with a small smile before he left to the boy’s locker room to change back into the school uniform, where some of the others relentlessly questioned him about it. You never knew but he was in a daze the whole rest of the day.

And with every incident he seemed to stay to you more, to the point where he seemed to follow you around like a puppy. It’s not like he was insistent or anything but, he was just always close by. Days would go on as usual and you had grown to really like your friendship with Todoroki. Having him so close by was comforting, and yet, there was that day… the day where his feelings really got the best of him and the dam broke.

Todoroki found himself after school with you as normal. Today however, he felt like things were too much. For example: You always smelled of honeyed incense. The scent alone was intoxicating enough, but today he truly felt drunk on the smell. He felt a little bolder- a little more aware of just how you affected him. So while you talked on about some book you picked up recently, he couldn’t help the look in his eyes. Pure ardor… You didn’t get to notice anything until you finally looked over- the expression of his was so much that it actually blindsided you. It wasn’t long after your initial shock that you found yourself impossibly close to him. He had taken one of your hands in his, holding onto it gently, like he was pleading with you.

You were pretty much glued in place, now gazing into his dual-colored eyes, unsure what to say or do. It was somewhere in that moment that you had a sort of come to god moment and the fact that you LIKED Todoroki as more than a friend flooded in. For so long he had pined after your affection, so now was a good as time as ever to seize it. And now that he was much closer he could better see your face, eyes, travelling over as he inhaled your scent once more. Todoroki had no idea how to kiss anyone, other than the other boys like Denki offering useless words like: “You just… go in…”

He got closer, and for a second he hesitated, ghosting his lips over yours very teasingly, although you knew it was out of hesitation. Moving away his lips brushed over your cheek, him mumbling quietly to you.

“Is this... okay?” He breathed, leaving you to wordlessly sigh, head nodding ever so slightly. His lips returned to yours as he placed a tentative first kiss. Soft and smooth, his lips brushed languidly across yours a second time, holding them there for just a few seconds. Your eyes were heavily lidded if not closed as you tried your best to kiss back. The hand he’d been using to hold yours abandoned its place in order to serve as a hook to pull you closer. His arm found itself resting on your waist, and as his lips slowly pressed down on your bottom, and then top lip, you felt your scalp prickle while your face became heated and your mind hazy.

For a second he leaves your lips, hovering over them very slightly, letting you take a quick gasp of air before he gently presses his lips back to yours. He’s gentle again, until he feels like he can be a bit firmer, and his kisses become a little insistent. So you reciprocate in kind, meeting him halfway in terms of passion, your own still building, slowly discovering this. It’s then you come to find that Todoroki is a very needy kisser, and as he presses more and more into you, you let yourself be taken on this newfound feeling.

So with the crisp winter day you decide to let yourselves partake in the new intoxication of first kisses and shared love.

#bnha #bnha scenarios #bnha imagines #todoroki x reader #todoroki shouto

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akvtsuki-ari · 6 years

Text

Nympho

Warning: Phone Sex!, Daddy kink, and generally some nsfw shit in there b warned

Length: 2.7k

Authors Note: u guys writing this was so fucking hard omg i kept getting embarassed and like shy asf bc Luke would b a hot ass dom like just fuck me up

For Luke Alvez, it was supposed to be a regular day at the office

It was not a regular day the office And most of the blame called on his wonderfully thoughtful and kind girlfriend, who he would give anything to fight right now, and he means anything. Because while Luke was out all the way in Houston, Texas in the summer heat chasing an unsub who had been in hiding or at least dormant for the last few years, a case which he'd need his full attention and understanding to solve, his beloved girlfriend, you, were back home. Alone in your bedroom and in the mood to what seemed to be ruin your boyfriends life. It was a little dramatic but who could blame him? A week or two ago, Luke had made and insensitive joke about how innocent you were, said something about your sex drive being like that of a 50's housewife, it didn't really hurt your feelings but it did get you thinking. Luke really believed that you were conservative, a plain, soft vanilla angel. It was laughable to you because, well - you weren't, at all. It wasn't to Luke's knowledge (though it was to Prentiss's, but we'll get to that) that you were what most would call, a sexual deviant . You weren't the sleep around type though there's nothing wrong with that, but with your partners you were known for being... adventurous. Emily had consulted you on a case a few years ago, specifically on BDSM practices and introduced you to Luke because she figured it'd be a good match and behold, it was. Luke wasn't aware of all that, all he knew was that you two consulted in a case together. Luke's cocky enough to probably fight in his head that you were good in bed because you were trying your best for him. You're his adorable girl, he's protective of. Part of you believes that he he ignored the obvious signs that you weren't as clean as he thought, but Luke was Luke after all. It's more than likely he didn't think much of it. And saw you just as he cute girlfriend who he had sex with. You hadn't really let that side of you slip since you wanted to see how long before Luke figured it out himself . But all of that died suddenly when Luke made that comment, you figured Now was as good a time as any. Because you wanted to play games and Luke wasn't prepared at all You knew Luke would be out a few days, so you took the time and liberty to give him a day, mostly so you could shop before you made a game plan. Luke was like most guys, liked visuals, he made it rather easy. The second day of his trip, and the first day of your plans, you wore a pretty pink set. It had lace and lots of it, a baby pink two piece with a garter belt and thigh choker with a heart. You took mostly mirror pictures, different pretty poses and arches, a couple things to censor etc. you were happy with the way they turned out, and without much hesitation, you pressed send. Sending Luke an array of images of you, you know, looking like that. Like - Luke didn't even know what to call it. You had the courtesy of warning Luke, he was expecting one picture, maybe two of you in his shirt and nothing else. Something he could handle.

When Luke opened his phone he opened it with a smile on his face, hoping to just catch an attractive picture of you and continue his day with his partial boner and let it go away as he worked on the case - and if it was a little worse than that, he'd clench his muscles for a minute, a trick he learned in high school. What Luke did get, was a picture of you that - made him rock fucking solid. He didn't know what else to say, or to do for that matter. He was in a state of completely clouded and hazy thoughts because all he could think of was you in the mirror on your knees, legs pointed to each side, tongue in cheek showing off your everything with a soft and innocent smile on your face. Hair done, makeup to match. All dolled up for him. Luke Alvez was not strong enough for this. No, no no he was not.

He spent the whole day avoiding his phone, and you knew why completely. It made you giggle sure, but you didn't care too much about it. Luke would spend his whole day, clouded with all the things he wants to do to you in that goddamn outfits because god - When Luke called you at the end of the day, he started figuring out that you had an agenda. "Are we gonna talk about those pictures you sent me?," he asked laughing. You twirled your hair and smiled as you laid in the floor on the other side of the line.

"Mm and what's their to talk about, Alvez?," you say in a mocking tone. Luke lets out s chuckle, almost a dry one. "What isn't there to to talk about? I mean, those pictures -" Luke started but you stopped him "Did you like them?," you asked shyly, an air of innocence in your voice. Luke did the little laugh he did, the one where he finally catches onto to something. "Yeah, Yeah I really did Y/N, made my day a little harder," he remarked sarcastically. "I would've taken care it," you remark softly. Luke's breaths hitched in the phone and you can tell he's holding something back, making you pout. "I'm sure you would've," he replies, and the conversations leads away and ends. Day One of your plan was a definite partial success but it would follow with a day two. Though Luke had a better idea of what could ensue, you would ensure that today would be just as painful. Today's look would be a purple babydoll and matching thong, you'd pose yourself in a chair, spreading your legs but covering up with your hand. Dolled up once again, laid up in your bed. Pictures were easy, but you wanted to see how far you could go. "I keep thinking about all the things you've been doing to me in my dreams m, I'm gonna ruin all the new things I wore for you," you send him wth the pictures. The wording was teasing you knew it'd get Luke's head running about what you could've been thinking about , and that was enough for you.

Luke was once again in the spot he was yesterday when you sent the photos. But the text took everything to a place he didn't expect to get to. Thinking of what you could be thinking if, made Luke's mind wander in as many directions as it could. Another day and another phone call would await. "Your messages were a little clearer today," Luke mentioned in your phone call, his tone apprehensive "I said what I said," you reply back. Luke chuckles "And what'd you say?," he challengers. You bite back a smile. "If I'm remembering right it was something along the lines of how ruined my new things are gonna be if I keep dreaming of the stuff you could be doing?," you reply. Luke shakes his head, scoffing. "And what exactly were you thinking of, Y/N?," he adds emphasis in his voice. "I don't think you'd be able to think of that case too much if I told you," you say. "I wanna know anyways," his voice is deeper, lower in tone. You can't help but swallow at the change but you don't let up, you play along. "You called me vanilla didn't you?" You start.

"Yea I did, you gonna prove me wrong?" His response is smooth, he's trying to provoke you this much is almost certain. "I intend to, Daddy," you reply softly. radio silence. You wait, on Luke's reaction. After what feels like forever there's a response "Say it again," his voice is breathy, you can feel yourself start to heat up at the attention. "You want me to be a good girl for you daddy?," you're surprised that you haven't slipped over your own tongue, your body not having betrayed you quite yet. "Yea I do, so tell me what you've been thinking of all day," he replies, his breath hitched. You swallow desperately hoping this is going the direction you think it is, "I got all dressed up for you but you're not here to ruin my makeup and take it all off me, so what's really the point you know?," you start, Luke's breathing is uneven, "We could've taken those pictures together if you were, with your hands wrapped around my throat, while I sat in your lap. You'd like that wouldn't you, Daddy?" Your face is absolutely hot at this point,

"Keep talking," he all he replies. On the other side of the line and unseen to you, Luke's hands wrapped around his cock, eyes shut and head laid back peacefully, struggling to keep the phone steady. "I sent you those pictures so you'd think about me and look st me when you were gone you know," you begin, pressing your thighs together "Cause I kept thinking about how much prettier I'd look with your cock down my throat," you finish. Luke takes in a sharp inhale and you smile. "And to be honest, it makes me feel good when I make you feel good sir," you say "I just wanna be a good girl for you and have you in me," you're vice is not far from a whisper, your finger lying in your waistband "what are you wearing princess," his voice is struggling to be all the west there. "Been wearing the purple all day, doing chores and stuff in it," you reply. This was true "Has anyone else seen you in it?," he asks. "No, sir" your reply is simple. "Good, cause the way you look princess, Daddy better be the only who sees you," his voice is breathy, and you can hear that he's been stroking himself based on it. You whimper.

"Can I touch myself for you?," you ask.

"Make yourself feel good for me baby," he responds. Without hesitation, you do, rubbing two fingers softly against your clit, you whine at the contact.

"Princess those pictures made my head spin, all I could think about was you sitting on my dick in a meeting, you know how bad it's gonna be for you when I get back home?," Luke asks honestly, fingers wrapped around his shaft tightly, his hips rutting against his hand in attempts to release more tension and not cum. Meanwhile you commit the same sin on the other line, delicately massaging your clit with two fingers and letting out a whimper "Aah, you think - I don't realize that? I want it, I want you to ruin me, and I know you want to too," you challenge. Luke's voice is throaty when he speaks, but his chuckle is light. "You want me to throw you over my lap and spank you princess? You like getting put in your place like that?" He asks jokingly, though it's clear there that the idea of it intrigues him, but it isn't a question as much as it is him getting himself off to the thought of it, you whine. "Please, I want you to fuck me so bad and leave your handprints all over me, it's all - all I can think about," you say, panting into the phone. "With how much this has been building up, you better expect more than that babygirl, you know how hard it is to have you not be here when all I can thinking about is - fuck," he laughs breathlessly, the sound of his voice nothing less than music in your ears. His laugh is light, but it bothers you, laced with dominance and control. "I'm sorry - ah," you whimper into the phone call, and you were sorry, but he didn't provoke you to say it, but the part of you that needed to cum wanted to apologize because if all the teasing earned you no cumming it wasn't worth it. "What for?," he asks, you swallow thickly. "For messing with you, and sending you stuff I knew would bother you," you pant out, honestly desperate to cum at this point. No such luck, Luke laughed on the other side of the line "Ah, so does that mean when I come home you're gonna take all of me as good as you can and as hard as I want it to make it up to me?," he teases, you moan at the sheer idea and nod, quickly realizing you had to try and manage a verbal response. You moan not coherent enough for words to answer his question "And you're gonna be a good girl for your daddy from now on? And you're gonna ask me for permission to cum since by now that must be what you want, am I right baby?," Luke questions you, stroking himself off faster hoping that you cave and beg him soon. To his luck, this takes place quickly "Yes, please just let me cum, please," you plead with him. Luke smiles and laughs breathlessly, breathing into the phone.

“Anything for you, baby, lemme hear you cum for daddy,” he whispers into the phone. You do just that, breathing heavily as you bring yourself to the edge, cumming quickly.

You let out a string of curses followed by a loud moan,

“Thank you daddy, thank you so much, thank you for letting me be a good girl” you pant out quickly.

Luke loses it right about then, stroking himself off faster and faster as he listens to you over the phone, loudly he lets out groan before pushing himself to climax

“Ah, fuck - oh my god,” Luke says under his voice. He shoots into his hand and rutts his hips riding out his climax before steadying his breathing. He smiles wide as he hears you giggle over the phone, clearly very pleased with yourself

“Remind me to never crack any dumb jokes like that again, yeah?,” he says sarcastically. You laugh at his tone of voice and smile, as Luke gets up to clean himself up and get a towel.

“Sir yes, sir,” you say still laughing. Luke shakes his head, and begins to end off the call.

Meanwhile, and very unbeknownst to Luke, stands the majority of his female team, ear to the door. Garcia, Prentiss, J.J. and Tara all collectively a little tipsy with their mouths open wide. Hearing the conversation return to normality, they all move themselves from the door.

Prentiss is embarassed, and Garcia is… angry? Tara’s expression reads pleased with herself and J.J. is entirely confused.

“I um - well, that was, uh -,” Tara starts, trying to make conversation

“Didn’t take Y/N for that sort of a person..,” J.J. says surprised, and a little dazed. Prentiss was quiet as to not draw any attention to yourself.

“Garcia, I thought you said they were fighting,” Emily adds quietly. Garcia is red in the face, knowing that Luke’s cocky ass wouldn’t even be embarassed if she brought it up.

“Well, I was TRYING to be a good friend to NEWBIE, but I guess he can’t even keep himself from doing whatever the hell he always does that makes him a jackass,” Garcia rants angrily.

Tara laughs, taking a sip of the drink currently in her hand

“I knew he had a daddy kink,” she says quietly, clearly proud of herself for guessing.

“It’s kinda obvious,” J.J. adds, eyes darting to the floor.

“Agreed,” Prentiss says

All of them jump back as Luke opens the door, a sleepy almost cute look in his eye as he smiles at them.

“Woah, ladies, what are you all doing here?,” He questions quietly.

“Run,” Prentiss says. And indeed they all dash towards their rooms, totally not ready to look Luke in the eye. Luke is confused as he watches them, but shrugs, in a good mood.

“Huh,” he says as he locks the door behind him, ready to get some sleepy, and terribly ready to see you back home.

#luke alvez imagine #luke alvez self insert #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds self insert #criminal minds #criminal minds smut #luke alvez #adam rodriguez #whew chile #he's fine af like really my daddy omg

691 notes · View notes

simkjrs · 7 years

Text

msa ch3 asks

Anonymous said: I love how msa Izuku comes across as an honest to god cryptid: can't see his face, absolutely the kind of person you'd find at a gas station at 3 am, doesn't want attention, most likely distant cousins with Mothman

msa au is just me fulfilling all of my ‘protagonist is a cryptid’ dreams by making msa izuku as cryptid as possible. favorite character archetype: cryptid

Anonymous said: so the msa au is my life right now thank u for that & I just read through the update twice so thank you for that x2 and I had to go back and look for Izuku and Kirishima's deal when it came up again and realized oh hey Kirishima agreed not to try and stop Izuku from leaving after 3 minutes and they didn't put a time limit on that i wonder if that'll come up again (& then my brain jumped to Izuku using that Forever. "we had a deal" every time it comes up. he cannot be stopped bc kiri promised)

got it in one!! izuku will abuse the wording of that deal forever if he can. good eye!

Anonymous said: relatability of msa izuku: trying, doesnt trust feds, inability to sleep, ready to jump out 4th story window at a moments notice, anti-attention-

that’s msa izuku living the cryptid life of his dreams

Anonymous said: So wait you don't have to answer this if it's a spoiler but the collarbone blood tattoo™ is what's making deku's existence confusing to electronics, maybe?

yep, you got it! normally izuku is able to keep his presence from overtly affecting the electronics around him but scripting really starts messing with them.

Anonymous said: quirkless msa deku anon and can i just say that deku looking eraserhead straight in the eye with lie detector policeman there and him saying "i don't have a quirk" and said policeman not detecting a lie is arguably the best thing i have thought of today.

tsukauchi: tsukauchi: wh tsukuachi: how did you even do all of [gestures at ch2 events] that without a quirk? izuku: it’s a special talent of mine.

Anonymous said: I just read chapter 3 and oh my god oh my god oh my god. Your Izuku is who i aspire to be 24:7. Like everything he says makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time. You did good. <3

haha we are all aspiring to izuku’s levels of impromptu sass. im glad you liked the new chapter!

Anonymous said: I'm probs rlly late cuz I Love in GMT+1 which means 9 HOURS of difference but I love your writing. Man, dude, being from beyond time and space, you always manage to create the perfect harmony between comedy and suspense that has you giggling while trying to figure out the mysteries of the universe. Just. OH BOI.

this ask is so funny and sweet at the same time. i love you

@arinrowan said: it's kind of ironic that msa!izuku is exactly the kind of person who would benefit from friendship with/interacting with canon izuku.

msa izuku would benefit from friendship in general but you’re right. he needs the kind of quiet but aggressive support that canon izuku gives

Anonymous said: Cuz I'm trying to see if I can figure this out, by "told me about Kamino Ward", does that mean that Izuku tipped kirishima that that was where bakugou was? How did he know tho, did baku's spirit go to him and tell him that? Did izuku actually play a part in the rescue???? So many questions

THE ANSWER TO ALL OF THESE... [spoiler alert] is actually ‘yes.’ more soon...

Anonymous said: when they start asking questions abt kamino ward at some point he just gets fed up and says "I JUST DID IT BECAUSE THE GODDAMN CAT WOULDNT LEAVE ME ALONE. I DONT EVEN LIKE BAKUGOU" and the heroes are like :0? what if, we brought bakugou here?

izuku doesn’t even acknowledge that the kamino ward incident happens it’s like theyre just talking to a brick wall

Anonymous said: Izuku has no control over his own sass anymore and it's glorious?? Says "that'll be 500 yen" and looks surprised at himslef, says "now it's 600 yen" and looks downright mortified, the sass is too much for his smol body, sassmaster izuku ftw

to quote @salvainterra, “i love the fact that izuku never stops even when he himself thinks he should stop.” izuku listens to every nonviolent intrusive thought that crosses his mind and it both incredible and unfortunate. izuku is no longer bound by human limits

Anonymous said: msa izuku is the living embodiment of the "fuck this shit im out" song

ABSOLUTELY

Anonymous said: tbh when msa chapter 3 said that izuku slept 12 hours at nighteye's office, i was guessing that he would just passive aggressively sleep as much as possible for as long as they had him. won't give them the satisfaction of watching him wander around in his holding cell. hes in the middle of the interrogation and he puts his head down and goes to sleep (btw love your work!)

haha no he was just so exhausted he passed out for 12 hours. he hasn’t had a good nights sleep in weeks, as soon as all [gestures at ch2] this was over he just crashed

Anonymous said: Wow the new chapter is great!! Stellar as always. I can't help but imagine what's going on from Izuku's point of view with the spirits. Am I the only one who thinks Aizawa's spirit was trying to apologize or something when Izuku talked about not being forced into anything?

there was definitely some spirit stuff happening... i will say that aizawa’s fox spirit is the one who asked/persuaded izuku to tell aizawa what was Up with his quirk

Anonymous said: tbh i want to see them question izuku with a lie-detector quirk or something. like he'll say something positively ridiculous and everyone's gonna go "wait wtf he's telling the truth??!!?!!?!?!?!?"

hoho... well... buddy im not gonna say anything...

Anonymous said: Hello! I found your works recently and have an insane amount of time in the past few days going through it all, cause is all beautiful. I want to scream at you about all of them but you only get so many words with this so I'll focus on msa rn and I read chapter 3 of msa last night and since then I've been switching laughing at Izuku's sass, crying cause Izuku has so much angst involved him and I just wanna hug him, and screaming cause whAT WAS THAT CLIFFHANGER?!! Just what. Thanks for ur works-A

THANKS, thats the kind of reaction i aim for when i write something. im super happy you liked it!! <3

Anonymous said: Technically his quirk is "Being alive" or "Having a functioning body" but saying that would probably end with the same blank stares. As a side note, in the manga (and canon in general) they mentioned quirks are activated by the 'quirk factor energy' or whatever... Do you think that might mean that people who are quirkless just don't naturally have enough quirk energy to activate their latent quirks? it would also make some sense from an evolutionary standpoint, the glowing baby is from the first

generation that had enough of the qfe to actually manifest their quirk and after that generation the lowering number of quirkless could be attributed to those that have a deficit in the production of said energy and they might actually have latent quirks. The pinky toe missing could be the final mutation that causes them to have enough energy for their quirks to work.. The only issue with the theory I see is OFA not awakening latent quirks with it's energy jumpstart...

i think that’s a pretty good theory! it lines up pretty well w/ the worldbuilding in msa. as for afo, :3c

Anonymous said: Hey uh.. I know this is probably 100% non canon in your AU but I was re-reading your MSA fic and I misread something that made me think that Izuku is actually dead and his body is actually being run by his guardian spirit who possessed his body/took his place when he died... *sweats* Its a really weird.. dark idea but I thought it was sorta cool and you might like it..? um.. I'll just let myself out now

god yeah that would be so dark and everything in msa would actually be even worse than it was before

Anonymous said: When deku explains nighteye's quirk i can only think of that's so raven.

theyre valid questions...

Anonymous said: I spent my break reading the asks sent to you RE: chapter 3 of msa and I cannot stop fucking laughing over "look eraserhead dead in the eyes and tell him you don't have a quirk" thank GOD I'm supposed to be happy and smiley to everyone

honestly, this is conceptually such a powerful moment that i can’t not put it in the fic now

Anonymous said: msa izuka finally get set free but kiri has started following him around. States its official hero business but really just wants to see what other "cool shit" izuka will do.

izuku pulls an Official Cryptid Move (tm) and disappears while walking thru a liminal space

Anonymous said: i love that when aizawa starts asking about deku's quirk he's like, 'screw this i'm answering in riddles now'. this is such a great fic!!

Anonymous said: “It’s a secret,” he says. “A secret that no one knows, that one will suffer, and one-half loathes. Who knows if it’s true or not? The only thing we can confidently say is that it’s one thing that should not be.” Okay, so this is probably one of my favourite little scenes from your fic, partially because it sounds so ominous and badass and makes pretty much no sense. I loved your update, I was so tense the entire time I was reading it, but also giggling hysterically because /Izuku/ just - Izukus

hmm i sure do wonder where izuku got that riddle from... and what it means...

this riddle is just izuku complaining about everything because as long as he’s in this situation, he might as well make it perfectly clear how unhappy he is about EVERYTHING. when else is he going to have an audience for him complaining about his various maladies

Anonymous said: I think that a part thats particularly true to izuku's character is when kirishima makes the observation "damn maybe it IS good we arrested him so he can sleep" & izuku goes into a miniature coma for 12 hours bc being arrested presented the perfect opportunity for him to finally be able to sleep

nfdfsljndslfnjdf YEAH, everyone please stop this child it’s for his own good

Anonymous said: Reading know what i've made by the marks on my hands is really terrifying when not in Izuku's pov because you now know how scary?? it is for some other characters and Izuku looks crazy-- but you know he's not because cheesus???? This kid???????? Honestly I love it so much, thanks for your amazing writing and I want you to know that I enjoy it a LOT.

that’s the goal... showing how weird and strange and bizarre izuku is from everyone else’s point of view... i loved the outside pov bc i got the chance to show how much of a cryptid izuku is, something that izuku himself isn’t even aware of and thus would not make it into his pov

Anonymous said: anon who ((still)) hasn't read bnha here. chapter 3 of msa is amazing. i cannot get over the sheer amount of sass found in such a smol boy. also kirishima is quickly becoming my favorite character because of how supportive and caring he is. kirishima/deku is apparently now something to add to my armada of ships. for that i thank you. also i cannot wait for deku to meet spirit!one for all. it will either be glorious or horrible.

haha im always happy to introduce someone to the wonders of kiri/deku!! its an extremely good friendship... and in my professional opinion everyone should get on it and make it the Hot New Thing. as for ofa, ;3c

Anonymous said: I just thought of this but during Aizawa's interrogation I could totally see his spirit just blatantly looking away from Izuku while Aizawa is asking about his benefactor.

HAHA YUP, i love izuku saying all kinds of stuff about spirits and no one can make any sense of it and meanwhile the spirits are trying to tell him to stop. but izuku cannot and will not be stopped from passive aggressively vaguing about them. he WILL get his complaints in if its the last thing he does

Anonymous said: “I just fixed your entire Quirk, you cabbage.” I'm sorry but this. This is beautiful. I'M GOING TO GO AROUND CALLING PEOPLE CABBAGE NOW

i was worried it was a bit of an overused classic internet insult but this is reassuring :p

Anonymous said: every word that comes out of MSA Izuku's mouth is a blessing

but not to our three heroes and their intrepid intern sidekick...

Anonymous said: Shit after the msa chapter i've got so many questions about Kamino. Did the rescue occur the same with minor variations? Is AfO still down? Did All Might fckin die? Has OfA been passed down yet? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

im uncreative and unoriginal with canon events so we’ll see.... we’ll see.

Anonymous said: MSA CHAPTER 4! I just found it today and I'm already rereading it. I did not know how much I needed sassy dead inside izuku. I Love this fic so much! That cliff hanger was so good! I'm so exciting to see more of izuku's pov. I love kiri but like I can't get enough of this izuku and his thoughts and reactions to things. This is so well written. The pacing in chapter 2 was so good. It felt like a heist and then keeping the readers guessing with not knowing if he was gonna get away was so good!

thank you so much!! im really glad you enjoyed the story that much <3 <3 sassy izuku is a pleasure to write honestly, can’t wait to see him more in future chapters

Anonymous said: Ohhhhhh you should update msa! It's so unbelievably good! I love the interaction between kirishima and izuku! Like I'm so excited to learn more about kamino ward and how that's gonna affect izuku going free and keeping his identy safe

:3c

Anonymous said: In chalter 2 of the msa au, did Kirishima think anything about how Deku said "I swear to every spirit I know"?

he dismissed it as a kind of weird, niche turn of phrase. like oh, guess this guy believes in spirits and junk, but im more worried about literally every other weird thing he’s done today

Anonymous said: So does MSA!Izuku always mess with attempts to record his presence? I feel like this would be kind of a major problem when it comes to getting himself a school ID or the like. (He's going to school somewhere, so he must have a school ID stashed somewhere). You know, they could potentially use this to track his identity down. They can try contacting schools to see if any had issues with one student needing to have an excessive number of photo retakes.

nope, usually izuku can keep it under control! the blood sigil on his collarbone is what really let him passively affect the electronics.

Anonymous said: Ok so msa!Izuku says "he shouldn't" exists, and when I first read that I was really confused, do you mean he shouldn't exist in the way that he sees things he shouldn't, or that he literally should not exists and Inko has no freaking clue where he came from/he was not a planned child?

yes to the first proposal. other than that, spoilers...

#I ACCIDENTALLY POSTED THIS BEFORE I FINISHED ABORT ABORT ABORT #ok i finished we're all good now.#ask #ask compilation #msa stuff

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tiredbiplantlady · 7 years

Text

posted by celadon-city ASK ME THINGS

bored, tired, passing time, like to narcissistically think about myself

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? Texted: Ew wtf, did we get abducted by aliens? Messaged in general on my phone with an app: This is normal

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? Hahah

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? No, and it depends

4. Is your last name longer than six letters? No, 6 exactly

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? Sober, I don’t drink really

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? Lol I always mess everything up in relationships

7. What does your last received text say? Text: “It’s almost like mom goes out of her way to watch the worst tv shows” General phone message with an app, which I use far more often than texting: ”yeah”

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? I really have no count, hundreds

9. Where was your last kiss at? My apartment

10. When is the last time you saw your sister? Like 10 years ago or something

11. What do you drink in the morning? Water

12. Where did you sleep last night? My bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard? Always, lots of the time

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? There are lots of things I would change, but I also accept things being what they are, that led me to the knowledge I now have, which I find valuable

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? Not at all

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? Rainy

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head, but it’s a pretty common name

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? Pajama shorts

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? I really don’t know

20. Does anyone like you? People like me, and sometimes I wonder why when there’s so much not to like

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? I’ve kissed lots of people and come to think of it, no I haven’t, not that I recall

22. Is the last person you kissed gay? No, he’s bi

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? There are lots of people and lots of characteristics people have I can’t fucking stand. Probably shouldn’t say that, but

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? Yeah and I did because I was dumb and 18 and now I have this monstrosity on my back forever. At least I don’t have to look at it, but I can never wear cutout shirts again

25. In the past week have you cried? Yeah, I cry all time. The last cry was in therapy bc my therapist was basically being p fucking confrontational and mean about stuff and I got upset. I’m still upset

26. What breed was the last dog you saw? In real life? I saw some Dalmations days ago, but I think I’ve seen more doggos since then

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? Partially in and partially out if I’m alone

28. Have you ever kissed a football player? I’ve kissed people who played football in the past, but no, I’ve never kissed someone in full out football gear or who was the QB of the team and I was his stereotypical GF or anything like that

29. Do you think you’re old? Nah

30. Do you like text messaging? I like talking through message apps on my phone, texting is the one I use the least though

31. What type of day are you having? I’m still in bed, but I’m anxious and sad

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? Yeah, and I did it. Don’t regret it.

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Warm or cool, not cold. Either is ok.

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? Yes

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? Neither

36. Are you a simple or complicated person? Complicated to the point of not making sense

37. What song are you listening to? I’m not, but the last song I actively chose to listen to was “Doubt” by top

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? Of course...sometimes I just say it too much. Actually I think I’m so used to apologizing for everything from getting in the way even a tiny bit to apologizing for someone having their own feelings that I just spit it out without thinking to try to calm the situation (which kind of feels related to my PTSD, survival mode, saying whatever I have to to get the pressure removed and the threat lessened) and no, it doesn’t mean anything to me because I’m Afraid. It’s not wanting to lie or hurt people, it’s fear 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? Not really, despite being woman-centric and desiring relationships to be closer with women, every person closest to me who knows near-everything about me is a man. Like 4 men are like this in my life and not many women are that close. It’s not because I think I’m “one of the guys” and “better than women” it just happened to work out that way and I probably have some problems feeling that friendships are as important as “romantic relationships” even though I don’t logically value that sentiment, that romantic situations are “better” and also probably some internalized messages that tell me wlw relationships can never be what hetero ones are, again, not because I truly believe it at all but because I’ve been fed that narrative my whole life 40. What made you start liking the person you like now? I like lots of people. If you’re talking about crushes you should be more specific in your language. I don’t have crushes. Not now. I’m too fragile and scared and trying to grow 41. When did you last receive a text message? Last night 42. What is wrong with you right now? Nothing is wrong with ME, but the way my brain functions isn’t always great. I’d say I’m having a depressive episode in combination with some other stuff that is making me feel very easily hurt, reinterpreting harsh words as yelling, feeling like a failure and fearful for the future, and as though my therapist doesn’t like me anymore because I’m not good enough to be well all the time 43. How well do you know the last female you texted? My mom. Well enough. 44. Does anyone disgust you? Lots of people and the things they do disgust me 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? No, I’m not in a good place for new relationships, let alone the ones I’m in 46. Are you in a good mood right now? I don’t have many feelings right now except hurt and fear and anger thinking about therapy the other night and reluctance to go to school today, as well as social repulsion. Being around people right now sounds like the worst thing ever and I’m glad I’m alone 47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? Kyle last night 48. What color shirt are you wearing? Black, as 90% of the time 49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? Y U P 50. Anyone you’re giving up on? What the hell kind of question is this? I’m not responsible for ensuring all of my energy goes to any person. I’m not responsible for other people. Maybe it’s my own fault I detect shame in this question 51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? What does “giving up on someone” mean, like seriously I have no idea what this means? Because it seems like it means “stop trying to help someone” as a disguise for “trying to make someone want you”. And that kind of repulses me. Does it mean breaking up? If so the way it’s phrased as though it’s the person I’m giving up on as though they don’t matter and mean nothing and not the relationship also repulses me. It’s like, breaking up with someone = telling them they’re not worth your time, which is interpreted as worthlessness and this whole thing just rubs me the wrong way. There have been times I wanted to give up A RELATIONSHIP because I didn’t want to expend energy into that RELATIONSHIP AS IT WAS and would prefer friendship or going our separate ways. I’ve never though “boy, I’m so troubled, I’m thinking about giving up on him because he’s not doing what I want him to do and I’m going to use this as ammunition to make him beg me to stay” like this phrasing is so toxic to me imo, but i guess I’m making a big deal of nothing 53. Do you like rain? Always 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? Not really unless they get drunk, but I feel the same way about my friends. I can’t deal with drunkenness after the things I’ve been through with alcoholics 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Yeah, and it was actually better that way. A lot of the time I fantasize and put people on a pedestal and it turns out the fantasy and pretending was a lot more fun than reality and in theory sounded better than it was, and honestly I think I’m still trying to grow in ways I thought I didn’t need to. Deep down I am basically am a commitment-phobe, someone who puts her self-interests first most of the time in relationships, and quite frankly am not ready to even begin considering “settling down”. You think you’re a certain way and then realize you just WANTED it to be true, but it isn’t. I have liked people and it’s better off for the both of us if I never say anything because I’m not ready and I’m self-focused, which you can call selfish if you want, but there’s nothing wrong with being that way unless you portray yourself as a centered good relationship partner, which I fucking have over and over 56. Do you like to cuddle? Sometimes I really feel like I need human touch because I ache and feel deprived and desire comfort. Other times I’m completely repulsed and don’t want anyone to touch me, even the people closest to me 57. Are you shy? I’m anxious 58. Do you get along with girls? I love girls, and yeah 59. Have you dated the person you texted last? LMAO no that’s my brother wtf 60. What do you carry with you at all times? Phone usually, but more often than not it’s dying or dead 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Absolutely, even though I’d piss myself at every sound. I’d do almost anything for a million dollars, that’s money I’ll never see and I could pay off all my student loans, live in a nicer place, take care of my health better, buy a car so I didn’t depend on my dad for anything else.. 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? At this point in my life thinking about relationships stresses me out and I don’t want to think about time duration because I can barely think about next week planning school work, let alone trying to keep a relationship alive when I feel like everything I know is falling apart and I’m having to reconstruct my entire world-view, self-identity and what I’m supposed to do with my life 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? Mmhm 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? It’s comforting when I want to be comforted 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? Idk, I don’t want to write about things and I don’t want to recall

66. How old are the last three people you kissed? No

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? Do it myself 68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? Zebra 69. Do you have any stickers on your car? No. Well I guess there’s a military one since it was my dad’s car 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? I don’t know who the first person is and I’m not into the second so neither 71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone? Android 72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? Like last week 73. Do you like diet soda? I don’t like soda, period 74. What color are the walls in your room? My apartment is all a gray/tan color that I don’t actually mind, but my bedroom at my mom’s house is deep purple 75. Are you 16 or older? Lol yes 76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? Nah 77. Do you have a job? Trying to function on a daily basis trying to go to school and communicate with people feels like a job 78. What are your initials? KES 79. Did you ever have braces? I should have, but my mom and dad just didn’t give a fuck about me so 80. Are you from the south? No

81. What does your last status on facebook say? Idk, I mostly just post articles about fucked up political shit 82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? We live together so yeah 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? ppffFFFTTTT BHAHAAHA. they’re both fucked 84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? No 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? I think it was...The Conjuring 2 86. Do you smoke? No, but I used to fake some cigarillos 87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? Flipflops 88. Is your phone touch screen? Ofc 89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? Whatever it happens to do as it dries. If I sleep on it it usually turns out straight on one side, but my hair is naturally wavy 90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? Not really, not as a teenager 91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? POOL. I grew up in a town where everyone went “swimmin in the lake” and it’s the nastiest, fishiest lake with toxic shit growing in I’ve ever been to and I’m scarred for life 92. Have you ever made out in a car? Yeah 93. …Had sex in a car? Kind of I guess 94. Are you single or in a relationship? Stop asking me about relationships. 95. What were you doing last night at midnight? Reading on my computer 96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? *shrug* last summer probably 97. Do you like the camera on your phone? It does the job 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? Several 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? No 100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? Hmm, there are probably a few who annoy the shit out of me 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? Lmao, not a real one 102. Name your favorite Kesha song: Past Lives 103. Do you have any tan lines right now? I don’t tan, I burn and return to pasty white 104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? I would never wear cowboy boots, I don’t need that in my life

#meandmine #alcohol mention//

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diary-during-a-pandemic · 4 years

Text

what day is it???? 5??

i think its day 5. remember when i said id be organized?? LMFAOOOO

anyway i’m Just a Tad Frazzled today. its like 12 midnight so i guess ‘yesterday’. anyway i was playing (surprise surprise surprise surprise) animal crossing- and there’s this site called nookazon which is more like ebay than amazon but nookbay doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily i guess

anyway people decided to go batshit crazy with bots so it kinda ruined the vibe i had earlier today. but other than that, i had fun selling and stuff- but the bot thing really just ruined the chill vibe. i was deep in the mindset of a merchant, i’ll tell you what

anyway i also have an essay due tomorrow (”Today”) at 2 pm which i am avoiding thinking about until the last minute. however the prof is kind and its only about 500 words so i should be fine- but i just Dont want to think about it. i barely want to think about being a person for the next twenty years (and honestly? probably only partially bc of The Situation)

i dont really look at the news because it makes me want to die but i caught a glimpse of something really sad happening today. i think one of the head people researching or working on the virus ended up dying because of it. like its so fucking sad and i really dont want to learn more abuot it because my emotional capacity cant stretch any further than it alreayd has. whoever it was, i hope they have a good afterlife.

the one thing i hope for after all of this is for people to realize how important the cdc is. like i dont understand why you Wouldnt think its important but... Yeah.

but besides all that, i had an alright day. like usual, i dont remember much of what happened. i watched youtube with my mom all day- we watched a really wonderful channel by liziqi. my mom was rlly influenced by liziqi’s life- and when we own a house we might get a garden like hers. it’ll be a lot of work, but i hope i’ll be happy enough by then to keep up with it.

although thats way in the future, we also were influenced to try embroidery by a video of liziqi’s. it looks really hard but i want to do something i feel passionate about again. i miss writing so much, but i feel like i need to try something new before i go back to it whole heartedly. u kno?

#corona #long post #im Emotional today #i just keep tearing up for like no reason #also i've got the FARTS #which is hilarious because i ran my mom out of the room so many times #even her own room #its the little things

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britishb3atlemania · 5 years

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im so confused abt this shit im sos sufkfing confused!!! i feel like all my friends loathe me/are annoyed af by me and i totally deserve it i just dont know what to do i dont !!! know !!! i think i need to stop drinking so often like i only do it in social events to loosen up and talk to ppl but ive had major fuk ups while drunk and i need to.... not

im so ?!?! about wake like i legit... cannot tell what is the sitch between us in terms of like.... most of our relationship is me putting 1001% and being too clingy and attached the first years that after that i distanced myself and grew up and evolved and learned to give less of a fuk if ppl dont give as much... then we had like... a beautiful phase where we mutually supported and respected and loved each other and it was healthy af and it was partially bc i just grew more confident and told it to him like it is.... like if he ever did anything shitty id be honest and tell him thats shit whereas before i was too terrified to lose the friendship ya? I learned to voice my feelings and speak up while also giving space and letting each of us evolve. But now I think i went too far on that where he’ll legit do anything or nothing at all and its something for me to bitch about. and he always fuckin just takes it!!! he wont necessarily CHANGE certain things but he always owns up and apologizes and tries to make up for it and i just rip him a new one the next one??!

And after last night like... fuk i had a rlly drunk fuk up and his bf hates me now and wake is like “you’re totally fine Vero you’re good with me dont worry but yeah X is just weirded out so mayb apologize to him” and im like!!! wow!!! im a fucking asshole!!! i dont even remember what i did bc i was so drunk but i did it and honestly i hate myself lmao. I used to put up with Wakes shit all the goddamn fucking time that it took me now to realize that hes had to put up with my stupid shit recently and he nEVER gets mad at me he NEVER scolds me he NEVER calls me out and aaaa!!! im shit!!! im a piece of shit!!!!!!!

I sat at home all day today to overthink everything ever (not just that) and honestly......... im scum and i rlly wanna be a better person but i just dont know how like... theoretically yes i do yknow its like “just stop being an asshole” but when im trying to be logistical like... steps to be less of an asshole... everything seems to vague and idk?? like what the fuk? i mean ie. im gonna apologize to his bf and other ppl but like what can i do after/besides that? in general? so i dont do shitty stuff liek that again?? how do not shitty ppl be not shitty? like im genuinely asking im?!?!!?! fuk?!?! im gonna try to drink less like defo dont wanna get palstered as much as i do i guess thats another step... but i just overall think im a p selfish person that takes up space and ive been trying to change that by expressing to ppl that i appreciate them and being more giving and trying to talk less but idk if its working or if im doing it wrong like i just dont know i just want it to be something i shouldnt have to think about and just naturally do it.

anyway this is my vent post and its also got me to srsly think again about getting a therapist bc i have no one to exert my feelings to nor should i tbh like ppl have their own lives and i feel liek i annoy the shit out of my friends but i still feel like i need to talk it out and i dont have that and its rlly fuking me up lol

but also im a real adult now with a job and rent and bills and in another country from my fam and usa healthcare is expensive i cant afford it i wish i didnt have such a grudge against canada so i would till live there but like i just cant i firkrirnf h8 it there lol

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frecklesandpie-blog · 7 years

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1.12.17-4.12.17

1.12 So I ended up not going to that event. But I think I'm going to try and go next week though . I think i am. My dad was great because I closed all my notes on time in my standards, and I left only fifteen minutes after eight which is like the second time i was able to do that. Many more to come. When i think about how overwhelmed I was I think the underlying thought was that I might not get over it. But if I think about what I did to get the things done, which is recognize my need to feel important and connected, realizing that I need to work on getting that need met in life rather than with client, recognizing my fear of rejection and criticism, and paying off by typing in sessions with clients, and doing that for the past two weeks since I returned, it actually didn't take as long as I thought to be able to get to the point where I wanted to be. A big portion of it was just psychological barriers. Now it's the weekend soon and I need to deal with the presentation and the paper. One thing at a tine tho I'm going to focus on remember ing stuff for the presentation first.

1.14 so I got over the presentation.the role play was fun, and I spoke fast for the presentation but I still go my points across and made eye contact. I think i did well given the limited amount of time I had to prepare . I'm heading home and I'm so excited to just lay there and do nothing between now and tomorrow noon ish. It feels weird to not be thinking about the presentation because that was my main preoccupation for the past few days. But in glad tho and very happy that I have free time. For this weekend I wanna work on that excel for intervention phrases. And organize all of that. I think. I also want to study or review the cognitive techniques. And finally just work on that family therapy paper. Yup . I will probably write a few pages . My main thing us napping for now. Yup.

1.18 The weekend was great. I got so many things done. And apparently at internship I am good enough note wise to be able to do some notes on my own. I'm sure other interns like Haley got that notice too. I want us all to be hired heh heh. Ive been nervous like all day today though. Nervous about first patient bc he seemed so intimidating . Nervous about the second guy bc he seems upset that I'm an intern but I did just conclude that without much evidence. And nervous about that other girl who seems so smart that I'm intimated by her too. And the n I think of all the nervousness I need to get through to become the therapist I want to become and that overwhelms me. I think of how I want to function better brain wise in my session too and I feel overwhelmed bc it feels impossible to me at this time. But then again a few months ago I thought managing the session time was impossible and compiling the notes was close to impossible. And being where I'm at risk assessment wise was also almost impossible and maneuvering epic the way I know now is also almost impossible. I feel like I'm slowly being sucked into their managed care way of thinking crap and I am not fond of that at all. Even right now I'm nervous. I think it's because of the celexa. It's gotta be that .

1.26 Hey there. I haven't journaled in a while. I think it's because I've been so tired and also busy with school and trying to enjoy my time that I had paper free. I feel like I've been quite distant from him. Or we have a quite distant. Like he's just playing video games and when he's not he's watching videos and we're not really interacting. It may be because we've been walking Chloe for the past 10 days and he's like a baby and needs to curl up and do his stuff when he feels overwhelmed by all the chores. But it's just weird. It feels like we havent been as interested sexually either. It maybe because of the Celexa. Which I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist about. Yesterday I went to an anxiety support group. Paid 9 but it was worth it. I realized from going to the group that when I have other domains in my life, it puts the internship and school and him into context. And I'm going to continue to do that. I think one thing that I have been reluctant to admit is that I've been getting tired of seeing his face and being with him physically so much. Like I need my space and I don't doubt that he feels the same way. Which is why I'm trying to go out more so that he also has his own time and maybe go out more.

I had a rough day at internship today. So many suicide work flows and assessments. I m frustrated they keep coming up with things to correct for me. Sigh. Really annoy but I'm going to see it as an opportunity to learn to do assessments accurately.my brain was just fried towards to end and my morale down. Sigh I was thinking unable to finish at 8 and ended up leaving around like 9:30 which I have to say I haven't done in around three weeks at least so that's good. Hopefully that won't be an issue since I will have regular patient going onwards next week and just way less psychosocials. I can do this. This is the environment that people work in. This is. It's true. So I will adjust to it and learn to adapt. And learn to manage my anxiety and tolerate it even since its not a stable enduring thing.

1.27 I'm feeling pretty sleepy today and down. Down probably partially bc he's going home today and won't be back til Sunday and he had some text from sal about a "beta invite" asking him if he wants to go. And those texts were later deleted. I don't know what a beta invite is but I feel demoralized that he hides stuff from me. I mean I already know he watches porn but what else? I also feel down because I have to go to the family dinner thing later and I'm dreading it.im dreading seeing them again. Having then evaluate me. Me helping with chores because I feel I have to please them. Mr dealing with the crap about oh yeah I'll drive you home and then making me feel guilty about not. I guess i don't have to feel guilty about it.and then that stupid fricken long trip. Taking those trips for like 20 years of my life is long enough. I don't need to d o more of it. See more hoarding . See more things I hate be reminded more of things I hate. I just wanna lay home in the warmth and nap and do nothing today so I have a break from everything . I am quite excited to have Saturday and sunday to myself though. Quite excited. I was planning to just chill today and do nothing while pursuing clinical interests on those days. I dunno.i feel kinda down though suspicious. @@dream We were living in my old house. Yamoni hasn't returned from vacation and we're worried. Chloe let out of backyard. Found toe.pretty sure it was his. Old lady came out of no where asking for us to support her and care for her for a bit. In wheelchair. We said yes. Then we moved to big house all of the sudden. Lost his toe in the progress.i found it amidst a bunch of stuff . Then old act suspicious. I followed her. Followed her to mall to a family event at the mall I was already going to . Saw that she was being suspicious. She got caught and was not actually in wheel chair. She got up to run. People got onto her. Turns out she killed him for his money and was taking our money this whole time. My family wa s there and I told him to act inconspicuous as if we were friends. some family event for myself. My mom said I told you so. She couldnt be trusted even though she totally trusted him. Then we went to some church event. I bumped into some old church acquaintances. I noted they saw me wearing glasses. Then i wento change into contacts. Saw a black girl in dark bathroom. Needed her to be there bc I freaked out.other people in big bathroom stalls were Asian. She was only black girl. Everything was really dirty. I was trying not to pollute my contacts.

1.28 Today was just an awesome day. Yesterday was awesome too. I'm not going to lie, him being gone is like stereo noise gone. Everything is so peaceful. I enjoyed it. Today I didn't pursue any clinical stuff.i spent pretty much the whole day reorganizing stuff in the room. Most of it was my stuff anyway. And then i put up the new shelf which is si beautiful .I m going to take nubs out tomorrow. And I'll probably pursue some clinical things tomorrow.

2.1 Hello there. I haven't been in the mood to journal as extensively for some reason. I was thinking about it today and I realized for sure that I do have stuff on my mind, it's just putting what's on my mind to paper has been difficult. Yesterday was my first day of class. How did I feel about it? Well research was good. I talked to people. There were people I knew. I think I wanna be friends with the Joe guy. I think. And then next was clinical 4 which was not bad either because I spoke with the girl next to me. I think I wanna try and talk to people more. Just like comments. Not necessarily conversation because probably like me, they're wondering who in the classroom they can trust or feel comfortable with. And me using my voice and smiling helps with their perception of me. I find that planning our even a few minutes beforehand what I want to say and how I want to portray myself helps. The last class was the one that's triggering. I saw two quiet people. Then I saw that outspoken girl. Maybe impartially jealous of her and that's why im hating. That's probably it. But I do want to make if a goal to portray myself as friendlier bc rhen I wouldn't have to focus my mind on making friends but just portraying myself as friendly. I think the goal or expectation of making friends is way unrealistic at this point. I think I need to focus on feeling comfortable with people. Or more like feeling comfortable being more friendly and outreaching with people. I'm going to my professional seminar class now. I hope that girl isn't there. I wanna try and be more friendly and not take unfriendly reactions or less than friendly reactions to my friendliness less personally. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. It doesn't mean I did anything wrong. I just met this person. It more than likely means that's the way that person reacts to me in those circumstances. I made it a goal yesterday of reinforcing my own boundaries at home and I feel good about it. I ended the show watching on my own terms and he played video games while I did reading .I quite enjoyed it because then , on my end, I didn't feel like I was rejected, and felt like I had control over what I wanted to do and felt the desire the pursue my clinical interests. On his end, I think it helps him feel less guilty about playing video games, and more free. Definitely more free. I imagine he probably feels the way I feel when my mom isn't saying things like are you going to see me this weekend? Or it's so late why you go home so late. It feels much freer when she's not saying those things and basically giving me space. Yesterday night was awesome too. I did the process recording. Spent an hour on it and then chilled for the rest of the night. Tonight is a late day. I'm scared that I might end up leaving later. And I really dont want to do that. I really really dont. Like from a 1 to 10, it's a 10 that I don't want to leave later. I'm going to try to not do that by ending early on my hour sessions. Like 20 min earlier. I'm excited to have no where to go on Friday. I guess that actually would help make up for Saturday because I have my allergist appt that day, I'll be seeing Kiki that day. And I kinda want to go to the party on that day. So I can practice going up to people and talking to them. I also can't wait to cut my hair tomorrow! The only thing I'm worried about is possibly feeling too exhausted by the time I see Kiki. But it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I can enjoy my time with her. I really can. I can be in touch with myself. Be comfortable. I can. And then I can bring clothes to change for the party too and contacts to change later. For when I see kiki and go to the party. I can even bring a nutter butter as an incentive. Benefits of going? It'll be a learning experience, a practice experience. It'll have positive effects on my socializing in the classroom and at internship. I would feel more comfortable and confident with that temporarily (or not temporarily)added domain to my life. Yesterday I saw that Filipino girl in class. She's at one of the cool mental health clinics and I really feel jealous. Though when I think about it there are definitely both pros and cons to psychoanalysis and the so called evidence based practices. For one evidence based ones are in higher demand and more "popular" on managed care terms , though my interest does lie in psychodynamic orientation. Plus. It may be that she is learning that way if thinking now but I will too. I will take those classes and learn too. I will get there. Also if I had actually gone to a more psychodynamic place I would've sort of partially consolidated my prejudices towards the"evidence based " practices. And would not realize as I do now how useful and effective and helpful it can be.

2.6 Happy Monday.. I'm not too excited that it's Monday but I don't dread it to much either. I was going to do my process recording this morning but I realized that i needed to journal to clear my mind. My weekend was too awesome and relaxing. I did nothing on Friday. Then i saw mom on Sat and also went to a lunch class with Kiki. The kung fu class was interesting. But what was great was that I really felt like I did enjoy my time with Kiki. I originally wanted to go to a party afterwards but I realized that it would probably drain me way too much and that it was best to start small. Today though I am craving more social interactions .I tried to look to see if there were any meetup today but I didn't see any that interested me. Tomorrow I have a support group thing at 7 that I might go to. I might. Not sure. I'm thinking though that since it's at 7,the two hours before that would be a great opportunity to get homework done. Since on Friday I have all these appointments and will probably see mom then. That's what I'm thinking. Because if I get my homework done then then I'd have the whole Saturday to chill :D which would be awesome. When I think about Saturday I'm also craving to go to some social event. I think unfortunately though I wish it was me, it's probably the Zoloft and the new chemicals in my body that makes me crave this. Whatever though. I'm going to be on it for a few months and I'm going to make the best of those few months. Did I tell you how classes were? I think I did. I was and still am glad that I was able to speak up twice I think in two of the classes. That perfectionist girl right now is where I'm channeling my resentment unfortunately, but I'm not even acting out on it. Tomorrow i have classes again and I think I'm going to focus on talking more to people. For research I can talk to Kristi I think. For clinical I can talk to that new ish friend ish girl . I think her name is Jillian and probably someone else that class too. I want to because it's my last semester and I have nothing to lose. I just gotta seem Friendlier and people should be more likely to talk to me on their own too. I also gotta work on more eye contact. And then that last class is like the most intimidating . Let me brainstorm where would be the best place for me to ditto feel mist comfy... Probably with Tara ? But then in my head I think ew I'd be sitting with the quieter people. but it's okay. My goal is to be comfortable talking in class for that class specifically . I've been unintentionally thinking about ifh this past weekend even though it's something I don't want to do. I guess it's just the fact that they see me somewhat positively has given me hope that I could potentially work there. I know I'm just building my hopes up for half and half reasons but I'm going to allow myself to do that because its not like I'm not going to look for jobs just because I'm putting all my eggs in the ifh basket. Because i still will look for jobs. But now that they see me more positively there has been twice where my mind has gone to the place where I worry imight "fail" that image in someway. The thing is that it would be hard for me to "fail" that image because this whole time.. the things that I do and the decisions I make was based on my own standards (which I refuse to let other people label as perfectionist or "low self esteem") and was also based on my own desire and own drive and motivation for clinical development. None of it was based on their standards. Im going to brainstorm though and think about what some or thing criteria they have are that I met that has led them to see me more positively.. I stay later to be sure I finish my notes I mostly try to check off all the checklists of a note I am able to put in fine phone outreaches I reach out to Alex and Jennifer when it requires. I reach out to Tory when I have questions. I make sure I do all the suicide assessments with each red banner patient . I show self awareness with patients. Or try to. I show initiative in learning on my own. I try to write progress notes on my own standards. I checked the clinicians standards and previous comments before sending a note to them. I smile to other staff. In general I do. I try to manage my own care team by following up and doing letters and discharges. Which I want to continue to do.

I want to work more in managing my own care team. I want to work on referring to care management or something. I want to be more I do si assessments via phone with red banner patient s. I want to more readily reach out to other clinicians or collateral contacts. And documenting them. I want to work on being a little more talkative with other people and clinicians.

Yeah. In feeling nervous right now but I think it's because I want to poo...when I get home today I also want to work on reviewing clinical development. Possibly turning that CBT and act word doc into progress note language. Possibly ly. But that task sounds quite daunting right now. Maybe I can work on just a part, or small part, of one doc.

2.7 I'm not going to lie. I feel depressed. I talked to people in my first and last class today b it I also just wanted to fall asleep. I felt my mind going to the conclusion that I will never make friends. But I didn't conclude that. It was leading up to it because I looked around the room and saw how everyone was do different from me. Them and their social work values. And then i see people who are similar and I feel distained to associate with them. Last night I had a scary dream. I was somehow about to marry Roger. And my mom and his mom and the church was there and they called both of our names up. And I was like hold up. I f this marriage is going to work I'm going to have to talk to him first. At one pt I even looked in the crowd and saw cousin Alan and for some reason thought that it was a possibility for alan to tell Roger about my relationship with chub. And I told him I was in a relationship with him for 7 years. That I even had sex. That I don't want kids. That I want to do missionary stuff and he said okay we will still get married. And then i thought okay he wants to still marry me. I will just break off my relationship with him. And marry him. And my mom was look at us and his mom was looking at us. I hate the accountability and publicity and just the public life. I hate it. I woke up and I was like what? No he's already my husband. And I love him and would not do that to him. I'm ongoing to lie that a part of me does because of the Christian life and the public life andIt just feels like of free but also not free. It's 5:30 right now and I'm not going to lie I feel down. I just want to curl in bed. Which h gets even more depressing . I do though. I just want to curl in bed and eat junk food.

2.8 So I ended up napping until he came home. Well I guess before that I also watched a comedy show. I'm feeling okay today. When I think about me making friends though i m still inclined to feel hopeless. Though the fact is now at this time of my life I'm not even trying to make friends. I'm trying to just feel comfortable interacting with people. I think of how I'm going to graduate without having made that many friends and I just feel left out and held back by my social inhibition. I thought of how I have tomorrow at internship before the weekend comea and I'm just like eh.imnot really looking forward to tomorrow. But what am I dreading that's so bad? I guess one thing I know for sure I dread is having to do that psychosocial tomorrow before I leave. That most likely will take extra time. Though my goal is to limit the amount of time needed so that I stay extra the least amount of time. I then think about the weekend and I just don't even feel that enthusiastic about it. I've really been craving social interactions. O mean I guess if I really really wqnted to. I could go somewhere. You know what I'm going to go somewhere. Whether or not I feel like actually going to the actual event. And if I look on meetup and feel inhibited I'm going to really critically think about why I do not want to go. I think I've also definitely been feeling empty a little. In my soul. I definitely have. I was going to bring an intervention book to read for tonight when I'm on the rrain but I thought I'd probably feel quite drained by then. The other thing is that every morning. Most mornings, I get very excited about reading the intervention books at night, but rhen in general by the time I'm home I just wanna do nothing. I think if I feel the same way tonight I'm going to aim to just finish or get close to finishing the depression chapter tonight. I'm going to have an hour to do it anyway. Or at least half an hour? Or maybe not because I also want to do nubs humidifier and refill his water and maybe take him out. I think I might prioritize that but I'm not completely certain .

2.10 sigh I've been feeling bored. And maybe even a little empty. Today is Friday and this week when I get home I've just either been sleeping or pursuing clinical stuff. Don't get me wrong the pursuing clinical stuff is great because that's something that I had such a hard time getting myself to do, but it's like aside form that I don't have much excitement in my life. I've been thinking about going to do social stuff just to feel some excitement. When u go home he's just playing video games,then I feel bored and do my stuff and sleep early. We havent been talking much at all. It's like we are just two separate people living in the same room. Which I'm going to be fine with because I've been wanting to experience a break from him. I think the only reason I don't feel it's fine is because I'm missing the feel of connecting with someone. I'm sure this disconnection from each other isn't permanent anyway. And if it is still this way next week, then I'm going to see what this new way of living is like and what I learn and get out of it. But anyway I've been tempted in my mind to lament him not spending time with me but I'm not going to act on that. I think him pursuing the things he wants to do while I am home is a positive sign of him being able to be himself and feel at home when home. And I'm going take this feeling of lack of connection and do something with it by socializing more. Today tho I have just been at my dentist all morning. The longest wait ever. I'm going to the psychiatrist afterward and then the allergist before j see mom. He suggested yesterday to work out tonight. I think I don't feel motivated but it's something I want to be a regular part of my life so I think I might agree to it. I might. Not sure . I'm going to tolerate this distance between me and him because it's an opportunity for me to pursue life

2.11 I just went to a support group and it was pretty good. Too bad the guy charges 10 for 250. Well to be accurate, it was good in the sense that I did well. And now I am craving for more. I tried looking and I didn't see anything that interested me. I got this girls number today which was awesome. It makes me feel so empowered like I could just make friendquaintences with the snap of a finger. I feel like I want to go again to a social event tomorrow to make friendquaintences. Either to the board game one or the support group one or even both . I think my goal at this time is to make friendquaintences not friends. It feels great. It's probably the Zoloft so thank you Zoloft.

I would consider today to be a pretty productive day. I went to the support group, made a friendquaintance, Then saw mom for a few hours. It was completely enjoyable. I felt a bit suffocated bc I was reminded of stuff and then i started worrying about his mom and my mom meeting. But it's under control because I will continue to do what I am doing which is meeting my mom at places I know his mom won't be at and continuing to check where his mom is. I think I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There's a job fair in like three weeks and I don't feel prepared for it at all. And so I've been binge watching this show for a few hours. I am quite enjoying the fact that he's not here but I'm also scared because it feels like we're getting tired of each other. And losing the interest. Which is really scary. It is. And it's hard for me to admit it. I'm going to make the to do list for the job fair tho. I am. I'm going to do it.

2.12 I made the to do list for the job fair and even worked on some of it. Pat on the back. I feel nervous tho. Why? I'm nervous because I also wanted to work on my clinical stuff too but now I also have this job thing on my to do list. I mean the job thing is obviously more important. I just feel like I'm missing out on clinical stuff I wanted to do and when I think about doing clinical stuff I feel like I'm missing out on job fair stuff. And then when I think of job fair stuff I'm like really stressed and nervous. What to do what to do... I was thinking that I'd spend the rest of the day today working on clinical and then start job fair stuff tomorrow since I'm so stressed so then that just continues to keep the stress about the job fair at that level, if not increase it. So I think I might do a tiny bit of clinical? I dunno .

2.13 I ended up working in my resume which felt awesome that I worked on it. I'm glad for my anxiety because it alerts me to what is most important and priority . Did I tell you that I also signed up for a Bible study group. For the first time I made it public that I am married and it felt really scary. The reality is still scary to bear. I wasn't excited to go to internship today.but when I think about Wednesday it wasn't that bad. I quite enjoyed it and was able to finish my notes in time. I think I feel bad because i need to continue working on finishing up my notes in time. Especially in the morning because otherwise im quite backtracked. I'm going to work on that today. Hopefully. I think I just dreaded it because I ve been used to associating the internship with the stress and not being able to pee when I need or fill my water when I need. Which is all the more reason to work on ending my sessions early or on time. I'm glad I decided to work on the resume thing yesterday instead of pursuing clinical stuff. I think for now, I'm going to push pause on clinical so I can work on the job fair stuff. At least pause it until I feel working on clinical would give my mind a break or pause it when I feel I really want to skim the clinical so that I know what to do. I think I'm a bit in denial of the fact that the job fair is a legitimate thing I can get a job from. Like people and agencies legitimately go and put their stand there because they know msw are graduating and they know they want to hire people. I have experience. I pursue clinical interests in my own time. I have books for it too. My worry now is that I remember looking at some of the jobs and some seem to include case management or children. Yuck. I hate both of those. Well children I don't genuinely hate, I just prefer to get in touch with my hate for them as a defense. I'm going to be sure I get people's numbers especially Jillian's tomorrow during class . I wanna talk to people about the job thing too.

2.16 I got Jillian's number and this other girls number. The girl is named Tatiana. I was watching her talking to this other girl and she seemed so relaxed . I was eavesdropping and I wish i was that close to someone. I think of cyclical psychodynamics and I wonder if I'm missing something that plays a big role in connecting to others. Like maybe being more vulnerable and reaching out more with a balance.l instead of kind of putting up my guards. Though I must say I have let down my guards a lot since I took Zoloft.a part of me wished that I achieve this myself, a part of me is grateful for the changes and have decided to make the most out of it while I'm on it. It's better to have established friendships and then deal with the sa rather than the other way around. I'm going to an anxiety group later. I'm excited. Tho a bit worried that they may cancel the group because there's literally only two people going. Me and this other girl ans the organizer but I'm going to take that as an opportunity to be able to talk freely with strangers and try to make friends. And then I'm seeing Paul. I didn't see him last week because of the blizzard and it was okay. I'm not sure what to talk about today. I am not. I've been feeling very awesome during the mornings lately. I think taking Zoloft and sleeping earlier has definitely been helping with that. Also praying and listening to the Bible in the mornings. This morning I was in a good mood and I thought of the job fair and for the first time ever I was excited about it and saw it as a great great opportunity to talk about my skills and what I've learned and how I'll contribute to their company and to be the best version of me. Even if I don't get a job it will be a great learning experience and I'll get a lot of our the experience. Especially the psychological ease of knowing that I've done something. And overcome such a scary thing. These days I go about my life and I'm like oh wow this is how people who aren't enslaved by anxiety go about their lives? It's such a relaxing life. O realized that this is the happiest and freest period of my life aside from the time when my innocence wasn't knocked down yet. Like I am free from my family. I have control over when I want to talk to mom. I have control over join8bg church groups, socializing opportunities, what I want to do when I'm home. It's such an awesome period of my life. I get to do and say what I want to my family without have to suffer from the repercussions of it.

2.21 I've been procrastinating for the past two days on my job fair prep. It just feels way too overwhelming. The fact that there are so many companies I have to prepare for. The fact that I don't even know what it's like. That I've never been to q job fair before. The fact that when I think of competition like Courtney and Hailey and Hannah I just cringe. I don't know how to convey the impression that I am better than they are in anyway. I feel like they are totally on the same level I am. I think of mhsc and it just feels like I'm taking a total gamble. And then i think of the policy video I have to do, the research paper and the problem statement and I just feel overwhelmed. Coupled with the fact that I've been feeling guilty for not seeing mom this past weekend and having to see her this upcoming weekend and also not wanting to see her.ivr been watching shows all day and I feel crappy. The thing is that I've been doing fine on Friday and Sat but didn't start procrastinating til Sunday.on Sunday I got this flash of panic of not being able to do well. I think that might be when I started to freak out. Coupled with the fact that I have freakin dumb process recordingsto do tomorrow and having to do stuff with him tonight. I just wanna curl up in bed and Kay here forever while the stronger me prepares and deals with the job fair. And then I'll wanna come back out again and face the world.

2.23 .I feel like I wanna just lay in bed and crumble up. Whats the matter? I have a job fair in two weeks and an interview for ifh in two weeks. I thought the job fair was enough and I was already worrying about whether or not I'd be able to handle that. But now there's an interview too? I spoke with Alison yesterday about her interview and it was way too much for my mind to handle. I mean I have the ability to think of cases and how I handle them and the ability to consider and use evidenced based practices and describe them but it's two much for two weeks. Oh I sure do not doubt that i'm over thinking the job fair. Maybe all I need to do is cone up with a description of myself and my experiences. And then give them my resume. My goal is for an interview anyway. The ifh interview is a great opportunity for the interview experience you know? Yeah I agree. It's just I have this fear that I'll just get overwhelmed screw up the job fair and then get stuck at ifh or worse not even get the ifh position and just feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck and trapped. Sometimes I feel stuck and trapped in my own issues other times I feel stuck and trapped in external circumstances. The worst that can happen in my mind is that I don't get the ifh position and Hailey does and I'll then just feel unworthy compared to her. Feel that i'm not good enough or something.

3.2 Okay. Hi. Guess what's going on.. I have a job fair tomorrow.im signing a lease tomorrow.. and I have an interview on Monday. I was quite overwhelmed and complaining but you know what it's great that I have time tonight to prepare more. I want to work at mhsc. I do. I'm overwhelmed and nervous because I have aderral in my system and because I found new info about thrive that I want to be able to know by tomorrow. I'm also nervous about whether or not my "pitch" is good enough. I mean at it core I just need to say all the things that meet their requirement so it's not that difficult. It's not difficult at all I would say. I just need to say it a couple of times. My most important priority is mhsc and then community health and maybe sus. Maybe. And also worried about this weekend.. jusg seeing all those new questions for the ifh interview really threw me off. But you know what it's okay because I can use old experiences. I think it's definitely doable. It's just me doing well with mhsc tomorrow so I can fully focus on ifh. One thing at a time. I'm focusing on mhsc tonight. What do they want? Willingness to work with high need communities. And I will. And prior experience with primary care. Etc.

3.6 Hey there.. I just left ifh with my dog collar unfortunately. I interviewed with them today and was actually able to say almost all of the things I wanted to say and wasn't like almost unable to breathe either. I just questionwhether or not they were impressed with me because there weren't many laughs and Laura talked about some part time jobs instead of full. Jennifer also checked out at times. Sigh. Whatever I really did do the next I've ever done on an interview and now that u have this experience I wouldn't have to prepare as much for my future interviews. I think I'm going to apply for mhsc for sure. Sigh. I don't want to do it after i grt home but I'm going to have to because I need the job. I'm also going to look into the other jobs that people mentioned to see what I can get for interviews. I feel like I've fought the hardest part of the battle and I think that if i don't have a full time job in the end then i most likely will at least have a part time. Which is good enough for now because that's better than being jobless for sure.

3.8 I feel a bit out of it. I don't know if it's because I was so full on mode into preparing the job interview and now that it's over in like what? This is all that I had to deal with in life befoee the interview happened? And everything seems so underated. Yup that definitely contributes to it. The other thing is just me knowing that my next steps are preparing for the mhsc interview and moving. And maybe applying to other jobs. The thing about the mhsc is I'm scared f8 start preparing for it because I haven't even gotten an interview invitation. But you know what preparing for it befoee hand and then getting the invitation is better than not preparing and feeling completely stressed immediately after they notify me. So I'm going to start on that. Whats the coat anyway? That I get disappointed? Well that's okay because I've been disappointed before. I keep thinking back to the ifh interview and feeling I did almost nothing else. Almost. Nothing else. But slayed it. But at the same time I'm scared to think that because of their poker faces and because of what Laura said about the part time job and her stropping me when we got further into the next steps. I mean me feeling bad about rhat isn't going to do anything so what I'm going to focus on instead is moving and the mhsc interview. I realized after speaking with them that i would SO rather so the same exact work at mhsc even if they have the same unrealistic expectations and learn Chinese more and have a new superviaoe than continue at that hellhole. Hah. Maybe that's why I'm dreading going there today. Because I've just been calling it a hellhole. Hell hole hell hole hell hole.today is Wednesday and I'm probably going to get home around 9pm tonight. Tonight I'm going to start thinking about the next steps for the jobs. Before tonight I'm going to respond to that Amanda lady. I honestly don't even want to talk to anyone else at the job fair except mhsc. I think I'm putting myself in a rabbit hole tho because I'm just really limiting my options..

3.13 Hello there love.i was wishing for a day off this week so so badly and now I have tomorrow off which is awesome. I want to do my interview stuff but at the same time I feel like I'm doing a gamble because I don't know if I'll feel motivated. If anything what I have learned is that my motivation builds as I start doing things and get into it. I really hope they call me for an interview though because its been exactly one week .

3.16 I ve been so out of touch with myself and my thoughts. Proof? Look at how short my entries are. I'm going to make an effort to be in touch with the thoughts today . So I'm going to internship now. I called out yesterday because I just didn't feel like going to class or internship.plus the last time I actually called out sick was last semester. Calling out sick once this semester doesn't hurt. The reason I called out though is because I've been so absorbed into the fact that almost all I want in life is about to come true. Balcony. Bunny. Own place to walk around naked and do whatever I want. Own place where I can sing where ever I want. No one knows where I live. It's too amazing to me. And I'm just so excited that the fantasy is about to come true that I find it hard to contain myself. And to even focus on the potential interview . When I think of my excitement tho, it's kind of dampened by the fact that he still is going to wanna go home. Like I feel like I'm competing with his mom or something -.- but whatever I am going to appreciate the alone time. Like really really appreciate it. The only reason I could contain myself enough to go to work today is because I only have like four patients in total. And then i plan to leave. If they decide not to hire me..it would be because I had a stupid doctors appt on monday and couldn't stay for a patient. I do sort of regret not staying tho. But whatever. I've been not worrying as much about work because he got his 9000 back and so I feel I have back up. Worse comes to worse I'll do fee for service . It can't be that bad I think ... I just need to get my lmsw . And I can even apply for the other jobs. I spoke with like three places and didn't get to talk to them. It can't b that back. I can't possibly have cut my ties to the rest of the world by not sending thank you emails to like three agencies. I can't wait to leave and pack today. Like I can't even wait til therapy is over. I regret not calling out either . Sigh. Whatever I'm sure I'm going to get something out of it . You know what's really scary though? The fact that im so caught up by all of this that it scares me to know that none of this is permanent. I feel the pull of worldliness and materialism. I want to use what I have to glorify God. I don't want to not want him. I don't. And I will start once everything I settled . Though for now I am praying .

3.16 So I'm heading to therapy now. So glad the day went by so quick. So glad. I'm glad I enjoy my job and that it goes by fast. I don't even know what I'm going to talk about in therapy. Probably my excitement but then also frustration about how mom still asked me why I didn't see her and proceeded to tell me about this old lady. And then kept asking if I have bf. Maybe I think in myhead that having bf means I abandon her. I don't know how tot think of it because I did crave her affection less after i got with him. And it's just so annoying. And in going to tell him about the interview thing.maybe maybe not. I dunno

3.18 I am so excited about this interview opportunity. It seems like the interview is only half an hour and I will need to convey all my strengths in half an hour. I will need to check off all their check boxes in half an hour. I will review all essential interview questions and internalize them so that the essential points and strengths are communicated. This is a great opportunity but it's not a big deal if I don't get it .I will just get another job if that's the case. But ideally because I already have this opportunity lined up. I will do my best to maximize my chances of getting it so I can also maximize the amount or number of opportunities available to me. It is 11:16 right now. I'm going to make tea and drink jugs of water today. I am going to track. Not judge.but track what I spend every hour doing today. I am so blessed.i don't deserve this apartment but now that I am here.i can focus on the thing that I need to focus on it.i can postpone all apartment things until after. No rush. I have all that I have ever wanted and needed and now I can focus on job.

3.20

I feel so exhausted. Today is my first day going to Manhattan from the new place. I hope the amt of time it says on google maps to get there is actually the amount of time. If it is, it's about 10m more than the usual amt of time but the trade off of a new neighborhood and mom not knowing where I live is so so worth it. I found out yesterday that the sunlight in the apartment is actually different from the old place . Here, I get direct sunlight in the morning as opposed to the majority of the afternoon. I'm a little disappointed but if I think about it, if I got another apartment with the sun in the afternoon I would be wondering what it's like and how awesome it'd be to have sun in the morning. So I'm going to be happy with it. I'm going to enjoy it . I do enjoy it. I am and want to be a morning person. I think I am just especially extremely exhausted today because I only had four hours of sleep. I feel so worried because I'm afraid they won't approve my interview time on Wed. Sigh.

3.22 Guess what?! I did the mhsc interview. That's about all the jobs I will be interviewing for until I get a lmsw and then apply for other jobs. I am so amazingly glad to have gotten that over with. I don't think I did poorly. They seem to be impressed by my evidence based therapy skills. Well .I guess if they place me in a sucky place then I'll just go with ifh.i mean I don't know what im talking about because I haven't even gotten a rejection or acceptance. Either way I'm so excited to go home and enjoy my new home without worrying about the interview stuff:) it's too amazing. Way too amazing. I see Paul tomorrow and have the allergy appt tomorrow. I just cannot wait to be home and do nothing. This is too amazing. Way too amazing. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God.

3.26 I went to bed at 7 because my freedom allowed me.but now it's 12 and Im hungry and I've just been dreaming nightmares. My last nightmare was the nightmare of my life. Pregnancy. Having to explain myself. Being stuck with him who only acted like another child for me to take care of. Being exposed and know by people who told my family. Having to make up lies. Being stuck with a child. Horrifying. Horrifying. Horrifying. I don't know if it's because I'm hungry or what because if that's the case I'm going to eat something. I feel so free. So so free. Free to hang out. Free to be out late. Great you proud of yourself? I lied to get myself out of having to see my family and to have to go all the way back to Queens village. I hate the trip. I just hate it more than I would like to admit. But that doesn't give me an excuse to lie. No excuse is an excuse to lie. I lie way too easily. And way too readily . Well now it's 7:34 in the morning and I'm just here. I'm seeing dad tomorrow evening. Then going to yamoni on Tuesday to fix up stuff. Wednesday I have stupid internship. And Thursday I have paul. Friday I have that training. I guess I'll just see mom on Friday night. I guess. Or maybe Saturday after i see Kiki? It's 12:30 right now. I pretty much slept from 7last night til now. O think I just am not use to not having anything urgent and pressing to do. And so I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been having horrifying nightmares too. Nightmares of me being pregnant. Her finding out where I live. Her finding out his name.horrifying.horrifuing.well I woke up to a dream life and now it's 12:30. What am I going to do for the next day five hours? No idea . I thought about doing aswb but I don't completely feel like it. Plus I'm suppose to be on my break after doing all that interview stuff. I thought about hanging out but it's just really gloomy outside. It really is. Maybe that's also why I'm like melancholy.

3.27. I really don't want to write this entry but I'm going to make myself do it. I've been frustrated and annoyed at him for spending so much time playing videos games. Staying up til 3am. Defying me for when I made the commen that he looks like Jerry when he does that Asian face . It makes me mad because I see his face and am reminded of the fact that I am stuck with him. Him and his face. Which is so awful and shallow of me but that's how I feel. And it pisses me off that he is proud of it and doesn't want to change it and is resistant to any of my attempts to change it.

4.4 okay I'm really going to try and sit down and write this journal entry. I'm going home now. today was a chill day. I made a new friend. it's the Asian girl I was judging and avoiding. and we somehow happened to become friends because she's also interested in Psychodynamic. I'm really considering attending an institute. but I want to first get confirmation that I can work at mhsc first.. which should be in two weeks. I don't think it'd be too late to apply by then. I'm going home now and originally I was going to take take a nice bath but I changed my mind and no longer felt like it because then I'd have to spend money on additional stuff. my materialism is really growing and I will take this apartment as an opportunity to manage it

4.5 so spending time Journaling didn't work out last time. I got distracted and decided to give it a try again next time which I am doing again right now. it's Wednesday and I am so so excited for tomorrow to be done with because then my break comes. I am really excited. I think when I go home I'm going to organize my desk because it's a total mess. otherwise I've been good. I accepted the ifh position but if mhsc accepts me than I'm definitely going to take that instead. I've decided accepted 50 50 gamble for a good place is better than being at a place that i know will be 75 % way too much to handle. it's just not necessary. and if the 50 lands me at a place that I don't like the pop or with just as high expectations than at least I took the gamble and get paid more. I'm hanging out with Kristi for lunch on sat. I'm excited for that. I have been finding my self in a state of excitement and anticipation to talk to people in class. which is awesome. like seriously I haven't felt this way since high school. the difference is that in hs I was fake happy but now I'm genuinely myself and I have no idea how I have been able to get to this point. it's just too amazing to be true. way too amazing. I find myself feeling so moved by it . I think I actually have a few friends even though they may not be close regular hang out friends, they're still friends. mollie, Natasha, tara, Jillian, yunan, vicky, hailey, kiki. and I'm actually going to go to redeemer community group on monday. I just think I've been postponing things for too long. I feel ready to join and talk to people and be connected. I am married and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have things I want to do during break. mainly study for the exam but I'm afraid I'll fall into a state of not wanting to do anything. I don't know if I'll necessarily feel that way though because I feel like I've just been having a different outlook on life. it's been shifting is all I can say. I'm waking up, enjoying the view, looking forward to go home, looking forward to talk to people, right now even all little bit of looking forward to see mom. I definitely want to call dad. looking forward to joining the community group. looking forward to hearing back from mhsc and if not it's totally okay. looking forward to getting licensed. I don't have anything debilitating anxiety pr fears of getting stuck . getting backed into a wall with no way out. I go home and my journey is most chill. not dread. I'm not feeling fatigued or tired until bed time. before I would feel that way around 8 or even earlier. I can't believe I am capable of living this kind of a life. or that this was even a possibility or option for me.

4.8 notes for Paul from mom interaction you're like your dad . so antisocial and such a loner youre growing more and more into your dad everything I say you don't want to hear. sooner or later you aren't going to wanna hear me talk at all . you're going to not communicate with me. And you'll just forget about me. yeah you're a giant human being I'll just forget about. and I'll forget about you too because I'm old and I'll have alzheimers it's not called gossiping. it's called communicating. then what's gossiping. I'm not talking to you. you'll just not listen to me. I am trying tp teach you what's right and wrong and how to reason . and you won't listen. tell me what you think it is and I won't argue. you're telling me that I'm not communicating with you. here I am trying to. and you're refusing.

dream: not being able to go to conference. couldn't see the map and missing stop. then conflict with mom. 6e silent judging. thInking abt asking him marriage. thinking about asking paul to see me .

4.12 I'm in the middle of break now. the first two days was a lot of laying. I definitely barely studied for the lmsw exam. I think that since I'm going to have to study it anyway, I might as well treat this as if it's a vacation. it's just hard stripping the thought of having to study away from my mind. stripping the though away that I'm wasting time. but u think it'd really benefit me if I could really focus on relaxing and enjoying my time off. I've just been feeling depressed and not like doing anything on monday I just laid around. and slept. and then yesterday I laid, went to hone depot and then laid again. I still have a hard time believing that I'm living the life I'm living. I think of before when i was dreaming about apartments. I thought I'd be content with just a one bedroom apartment with sunlight. or I'd be content with just a small balcony . but now I have a one bedroom apartment with this amazing view. with a bus that goes directly toanhattan where I don't have to deal with the jam in the morning. with a balcony that's 9 ft where I can sun bathe til noon. where I get morning sun. where the water pressure is amazing. where there are no roaches. this is more than I could ever ask for. where there's a local park. I sometimes question in my head whether basically anywhere away from mom is somewhere where I'll be happy. but it's not just that. this place is just sincerely literally undoubtedly amazing. God what did I do or deserve this? I didn't do a thing and I don't deserve it. anyway I have just been not feeling like I'm on vacation. before I was looking forward to chilling at home. doing home decor. but I haven't been feeling it. which is a good thing. I don't want to be tied by the collar of materialism. but I also haven't been feeling like doing the olive oil shower or painting. I think it going to try some behavioral activation on myself and probably make a smoothie tonight. I'm exited for that :)

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