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justreadingfics · 5 years

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Looking For a Heartbeat (17/?)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes X Reader

Series Summary: You and Bucky used to be in a relationship. Feelings were hurt, you left. It’s been two years and you’re back. You both will handle the reunion well, won’t you?

Chapter Summary: New bonds.

Word Count: 5,2K

Warnings for this chapter: fluff again (don’t get used to it), children, mutual pining.

A/N: @suz-123 is my angel and I love her. Here I am writing fluff again. I suspect this is why I’ve taken longer than most times to write this chapter, lol. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts. Links are ruining posts, you can find the masterlist link on my description.

It´s been four weeks since Bucky has shown up unannounced to the ultrasound appointment- that he discovered by himself after some private research, he told you- and you still can’t shake off a stupid smile from your face. Without a doubt, these have been the best weeks of your pregnancy so far. Everything seems to be great with the baby, who, according to Doctor Nadine and her team, is healthier than normal, developing better than expected. It seems to be so because the serum Hydra has used on Bucky altered his genetics system and its goodies have passed to the baby.

Bucky has been present in all of the appointments, right at your side the entire time, listening carefully and asking every single question he had. His presence, soothing and grounding, keeping you steady throughout the whole thing. You know he had been worried to death about the possibility of being responsible for any complications to the baby. The news that everything was ok was a huge relief for him too, despite you still sensing in him a deep worry about how the enhancement on its system would affect the baby's life in general. A concern you both share.

However, for now, you both have been trying to stay positive and focusing on finding a pace – the right one- to reconnect and shape your relationship as parents of your child. Aside from the appointments and some occasional times he drops by to see how’s everything with you and the peanut, you have also been talking on the phone, whether through voice calls or text messages. Not a day goes by without you talking to each other.

You’re not gonna lie, it still feels awkward at times. You’ve never been friends to Bucky. Before your intense and passionate relationship, you two were nothing but acquainted co-workers. And after that, you’re not sure what the two of you have become. Now, on top of that, it’s not like you two can just turn into friends. You’re going to have a kid together, for God's sake. Yeah, it’s still awkward.

The conversations have been centered exclusively on the baby and anything that concerns them. That's why you don’t know if something has changed between him and Anna, if they have talked or anything. You prefer it that way. It’s a sensitive topic to him, but it’s the same for you. You’ve taken the part of trying and being the bigger person, saying you didn't blame her, that you understood her point of view, giving him advice about his relationship with her… and it was in good nature, but… thinking about him and her together has never been easy and you suspect it never will be.

Oh, well… It's hard. Something you should discuss more with Heloise in therapy. She gave you a strawberry lollipop saying it was positive reinforcement for your civilized conversation with Bucky. You wonder what she would have in store for you when you truly become able to talk about and live through the jealousy that takes over you every time a thought of him and Anna together pops into your mind.

You continued going to the support group encounters, you feel like you’re not completely alone anymore, but the group, giving justice to its name, has truly become an important support system for you. Plus, it’s an easy way for you to see Harry regularly, who was pleased to know about things taking a turn to a better path with you and Bucky. You and Harry ended up going to the Hot-Dog trailer next to the group’s place - the one you missed because of the car accident - and then you scheduled for you to finally meet his kids, which you were excited and anxious about, you had heard so much about them you felt like you already knew each one of his little chipmunks, like he called them affectionately.

You had planned for a picnic in their favorite park, but the rainy day forced you to move the party over to the common room at the Tower’s living quarters. Wanda has helped you set everything up, moving the furniture to place the big cloth in the center of the room, spreading pillows to accommodate everyone as you prepared the snacks with all the goodies Harry had told you the kids liked. You also put some toys and games for the kids – and for the adults, who are you kidding? You live amongst children.

That’s where you are now, along with Harry and the vivacious Luna and Jon, the three year olds that make sure to remind you every five minutes that they are turning four in a week. Luna is the spitting image of her father with her dark curls falling graciously over her big brown eyes laced with curiosity as she keeps them glued on you. Jon must’ve taken his looks from his mother, with a lighter tone on his straight short hair and his eyes are green with shades of blue. He seems quieter than Luna, who takes the lead and asks all the questions and tells all the stories, allowing her brother to make a comment or two. In his shyness, he reminds you of his father.

Wanda joins you, and soon so do Steve and Sam, who had arrived from a mission the day before. Tony’s absent on a solo mission of his own, much to the kids' disappointment, which is reinforced by the Iron Man images on both of their shirts. Crazy for kids as much as she is, Nat is there, but she has mostly been giving you the silent treatment lately, as a result of your decision of making the baby’s sex a secret. You can only wonder what she’s been putting Bucky into.

You keep a huge smile on your face as, right in front of you, across the picnic cloth, Wanda uses her powers and the red mist to make moving drawings in the air, prompted by all sorts of excited and loud requests from the kids, whether it’s a dog, a sheep- no, a bigger sheep, an elephant, Iron Man fighting that big purple monster, or daddy with those colored swords he likes…

“They’re called lightsabers. God, how many times do I have to tell you this, guys? Show some respect…” He sighs at your side, looking at you and shaking his head in frustration as he’s completely ignored by his kids, who keep the row of requests to Wanda.

You chuckle; prompting him to smile at you, “They’re really awesome,” you whisper, bumping his sides with your elbow, as everyone else around the cloth seems drawn by the kids energy and interested in Wanda’s little performance.

“They are, aren’t they?” He beams at you, “Thanks for this by the way, they’re having so much fun.”

“Oh, no. I’ve been wanting to meet them for so long,” You dismiss him with a wave, before grabbing a handful of popcorn. Chewing on it, you cackle at Wanda’s latest art: a Chihuahua pulling The Falcon by the wings while Captain America tries to catch them. Sam shots some protests, but the burst of belly laughs from the kids is undeniably contagious.

When you look back at Harry, you’re still laughing as the others, but he is not. Instead, he’s observing you while holding a half smile on his lips, “What?” You frown at him.

“You look happier. I like it. It’s a great look on you.”

You offer him a wide grin as you feel a wave of warmth overcoming your chest… and rushing to your cheeks.

“Daddy,” the high-pitched, but sweet voice makes you both turn to Luna, now directing her narrowed eyes and full attention to both of you as she stands on her knees over the pillow.

“Yes, chipmunk?” He says, bringing a plastic cup of orange juice to his mouth.

“Is Y/N the girl you’ve been talking to on your phone all the time and then stay with that funny smile on your face and does like this?” She exaggerates a deep and long sigh to show what she’s talking about.

Harry chokes on the juice, as all eyes snap to the direction where you two are seated. Wanda hides a laugh with her hand and Nat sips on her coffee, but you glimpse the devilish smirk on her lips. Sam and Steve pretend to focus on the little checkers board they’ve been playing with when you glance at them.

“Luna!” Harry shrieks, trying to glare at the little girl between coughs.

You frown at his embarrassment, a disproportionate reaction on your opinion.

“What? What have I said wrong?” Luna pouts adorably and stands on her feet, crossing her arms in front of her little body.

“Daddy didn’t want us to know, yet, Luna.” Little Jon whispers loudly, pulling the hem of his sister’s shirt.

Wanda laughs fully and loudly while Nat sports a proud smirk at the two siblings, probably pleased by the spying skills the kids are showing.

“Jon!” Harry exasperates, eyes roaming around everyone in the circle, before turning to you, dumbfounded and red as a pepper, “That’s not-this isn’t-”

“Calm down, Harry.” You laugh, placing a hand on his shoulder.

You’re sure you’re not the girl the kids are referring to, that’s not what your relationship with Harry is about, but he hasn’t told you anything about someone that makes him sigh and now you’re curious, especially because he’s acting like a deer caught in the headlights. Before you can torture him with teasing you hear someone cleaning their throat, catching your look.

Bucky stands by the door, with a bag in his hands and an unreadable expression on his face.

“Bucky,” you exclaim, feeling the inevitable tug at the corner of your lips, but trying to ignore your heart skipping a beat. How long has he been there? Has he heard anything? As happy as you are to see him, you can’t help the hint of apprehension at the pit of your stomach that makes your heart falter, you know he still has reservations towards Harry and you really don’t want him to assume anything, which is bullshit, of course, you and Bucky have nothing and if you wanted you could date whoever, of course, that’s definitely settled between the two of you. Was the room this hot before?

Bucky nods timidly at you and at the others, who chant their greetings all at once: “Hey, Buck,” “Hey, Man,” “Barnes”.

“Come on in, we ́re having a picnic,” You wave him in from your spot, swallowing down any trepidation and kicking the inner rambling off of your mind, focusing on his presence only.

“Oh no, it's ok. I can come another time,” He answers in a small voice. Recoiling his shoulders, he presses his lips in a tense line.

The protests from everybody – except from Harry, who seems to be trying to make himself invisible at your side- resound around the place while the kids fasten their curious eyes on the new person in the room.

Knowing damn well how uncomfortable Bucky is capable of feeling when he’s in the spotlight, you raise your brows at Wanda, which is enough to make her promptly go back to entertaining the kids, now lifting the food over the cloth to the air. The sounds of bewilderment coming from the tiny little creatures distract everyone else as you get up, using the sofa behind you as a support for your growing body.

“Come on, Barnes, you made a pregnant woman get up from the floor just to drag you by the ear. I’m a mom now, I can do that,” You taunt, getting closer to him, twisting your expression into a mocked scowl.

Letting out a heart-fluttering smile that ignites one of your own, he relents, stepping into the room and shooting that fondly look at your growing belly, like he does every time he sees you.

“Hi,” you softly say when he stands inches from you.

“Hey, I called you a couple of times, and you didn't answer my messages, I got worried,” He cringes.

“I must’ve left my phone in my room, but it's ok, Bucky, you don't need an excuse to drop by,” You assure in a teasing manner, before your eyes drop to the bag in his hand, “What do we have here?”

“Oh, on my way over, I saw this and I couldn't help it.” With a broad smile on his face, he pulls the object from the bag.

Your eyes go round and you practically squeal, grabbing the little colorful unicorn, “This is amazing, Bucky, so damn cute. And fluffy.” You squeeze the soft little stuffy against your chest.

He chuckles, brushing a lock of his own hair behind his ear, “I bought it for the peanut, but I suppose you can play with it, too.”

You roll your eyes and pull your tongue out playfully.

“Hello.”

At the tiny voice who takes you and him out of your little bubble, you see his eyes going comically round, before he lowers his head to follow the sound. Luna stands beside him, with her hands laced behind her back and mischievous interest plastered on her sweet features.

“Hi.” His stumpy answer is a bit more than a whisper.

“I’m Luna,” the girl says her name proudly to him, “I’ll be four years old in a week. What’s your name?”

“Bucky.” He replies shortly.

As little Jon runs to stand beside his sister, you choose to remain a silent observant of the scene with great curiosity, and from the corner of your eyes you catch the rest of the adults in the room doing the exact same thing.

“This is Jon. He's my brother.”

“We’re twins,” Jon announces.

“But I’m older,” Luna reminds him.

“And that’s daddy.” The boy points at Harry, who quickly and shamelessly looks up to the ceiling, trying to cover up the fact he’s been watching them.

“Ok.” Bucky purses his lips and nods, seeming ready to bolt away from the interaction.

In fact, you can’t recall having seen him talking to a kid before, except for maybe Clint’s and Scott’s kids, but he always preferred to remain at least one arm’s length away from them. You know this has everything to do with the fact he still struggles to think children would want anything to do with him...

“Your hand is shiny.” Luna states straightforwardly.

As you feel Bucky freezing beside you decide to step in, but probably not in the way he would want you to, “His whole arm is shiny, Luna.” You whisper, leaning down and half covering your mouth like you were telling her a secret. You choose to ignore the betrayed look you receive from Bucky.

The information makes the little girl gasp and stare longingly at said arm, covered by the long sleeve of his Henley.

“Oh, you ́re the Winter Soldier,” Jon yells, pointing at Bucky with astonishment as his jaw drops.

The nickname Bucky used to dread so much, but which in time - as he formed his name as an avenger - got a different and more positive meaning to everyone else, sounds nothing but adorable in the kid’s soft voice when said in such an enthusiastic way. It doesn’t go unnoticed by you the phantom of a smile that threatens to curl Bucky's lips.

“Oooo, I know you,” Luna grins, bouncing on her little legs, “You're Captain America ́s boyfriend.”

“Oh, my God! Luna!” Harry mortified attempt of reprimanding his daughter is muffled by the thunder of loud laughs filling the room, including one of your own. Horror twists Harry’s features as Bucky and Steve share widened staggered looks.

“Don ́t laugh,” Luna turns to the party, putting her hands on each side of her waist and stomping her little foot to the ground as the laughs are swiftly held back at the respect the small figure imposes, “Daddy said it’s ok that boys date. And girls, too.” Her features turn into a scowl.

You glance at Harry and you glimpse the pride which his daughter’s words brings to his expression being swiftly replaced by apprehension when he spots Steve.

“And your daddy is right,” Steve straightens up his posture for Harry’s relief and then putting on his Captain voice, he turns to Luna again, “But Bucky and I are not boyfriends, we’re buddies.”

You think Sam will explode when he puts his hand over his mouth to hold back the laugh even harder.

“Maybe it's a secret, Luna. Just like dad ́s.” Jon innocently shrugs and that's what kills everybody’s strong will and the sound of multiple laughs bubbles into the room again.

Even Bucky has given in and sports a small but beautiful smile on his face as his head shakes slowly and warm heartedly. You smile right back at him when your eyes meet and you notice how much more at ease he seems.

“Aright, alright. You two get back here.” Harry commands.

“Ok,” Luna answers and starts to move towards the party again, but not before she laces her chubby little hand with Bucky’s metal one to pull him with her, being followed close by her brother.

When he looks back at you, being pulled by the girl, there’s no plea for help or embarrassment on his face; he only keeps smiling and shrugs. Your stomach flutters inside you as you take a deep breath in.

Luna makes Bucky sit in the middle of her and Jon, as you sit where you were before, beside Harry, placing the little unicorn between you and him. Everyone catches on conversations or eating and drinking.

“Oh, Bucky. Have you met Harry, already?” You ask, trying to act cool, especially about the fact he has seen him before at Steve’s party and not mentioning all the times Bucky has asked you about your relationship with Harry.

“Hey,” Bucky nods and extends a hand, leaning over to catch Harry’s from across the cloth, “We’ve seen each other before, but I think we haven’t been introduced yet.” He says, pressing his lips in a polite smile.

“Hi, yeah, that’s right,” Harry answers in a matching polite tone, “It’s such a pleasure, I’m a huge fan, of course. I’m sorry for my chipmunks-”

“Ugh, daddy.” Luna, huffs.

Before any of the grown-ups could add anything else both the kids launch on Bucky. Leave it to kids to dissipate any kind of awkward situations…

“Is your arm heavy?” Luna leans on Bucky’s shoulder, resting her chin over her hands there.

“A bit, yes.”

“Are you strong, Mr. Bucky?” This time Jon asks from Bucky’s other side.

“Of course I am.”

“Stronger than him?” Luna cocks her head towards Steve, who snaps his look up from the checkers board.

“Sure, he’s all jacked now, but deep down he’s nothing but a skinny little angry man…”

The super soldiers make a face to each other and you chuckle.

“What about him?” Jon points at Sam.

“Kids, please…” Bucky’s eyes roll as he lets out a smug snort.

“You wish, tin can,” Sam shots a handful of pop-corn on his direction.

“And them?” Luna points at Wanda and Nat.

“Well…”

Attentive to the scene so far, you spot the red mist Wanda casually pours from her elegant hands as Nat cracks her fingers, staring blankly at Bucky.

“Definitely not.” He turns widened eyes at Luna, enticing a little giggle to come out of her lips and a laugh of you.

“You’re not stronger than Iron Man.” Jon affirms, rather than ask.

“Hey!” Bucky playfully yelps, as the boy places his little hand on his chin, furrowing his eyebrows as if he’s concentrating real hard to come up with Bucky’s next challenger.

“Oh! Are you stronger than daddy?” He finally yells, partnering up with his sister as the two people who made her father choke on his juice that day.

“Ahm… I don’t know-I,” Bucky fumbles with his answer as Harry keeps struggling for air.

“I know how we can find out,” Luna swiftly raises her hand, looking excitedly at Jon.

You pat Harry’s back as he coughs harder.

“Daddy can lift me and Jon on each arm, I bet you can’t.” She cocks a daring eyebrow at Bucky as Jon eagerly nods his head and gets up.

“Oh, yeah?” Bucky raises his eyebrow back at her, before turning his eyes at Harry asking for permission, which is granted with a nod and a smile. Now that the latter knows Luna’s idea doesn’t involve him getting his ass kicked he seems a lot more relaxed.

Then, with an exaggerated grunt, Bucky grabs and lifts the two little creatures by their feet using only his metal hand. The squeaks and giggles bubbling out of their lungs mingle with Bucky’s groans as he tosses the twins around as if they weigh nothing.

“Who’s the strongest person in this room, huh?” He challenges, as he holds them by their behinds and presses them into the air as a couple of dumbbells in each hand.

“You, Mr. Bucky,” They both yell in unison between little screams and loud giggles.

Your heart melts and the smile on your face is wide when you realize that, just like that, he also becomes their favorite person in the room. You totally get it, who can be better judges of character than kids? Besides, falling in love with Bucky is that easy and inevitable, you're one to talk...

The kids keep themselves glued on Bucky’s side all the time, asking questions, proposing games that he promptly accepts, offering him food, telling him stories about themselves and about their father – to Harry’s very dismay… They even get him to show them part of his arm, gaining claps of admiration from Luna.

At some point you reach for the jar of juice to find it empty, but before you even think of standing up to go grab some more, you feel the jar being promptly stolen from your hand.

“I got this,” Bucky winks, getting up, as Sam and Nat finally get a bit of the kids attention, doing some magic trick with a few cards for them as Harry watches.

“It’s ok, Bucky-”

“Na-ha. You stay comfortably there.” He gets up, glaring at you to show he means business.

You let out an annoyed huff – only a stunt to hide how you’re secretly loving the attention coming from him. Wanda calls on your bullshit aiming you a teasing smile that you choose to not indulge.

“Steve, get your lazy ass here and help,” Bucky calls, walking inside the kitchen, as the kids giggle at his choice of words.

~~~

Bucky places the jar on the sink and, before he could walk to the fridge to grab more oranges to squeeze, a wall of enhanced muscles captures him in an impossibly tight hug.

“Ugh, what’s that for, punk?” He grunts, but promptly hugs his friend back.

“You’re gonna be a dad,” Steve croaks out.

Bucky lets out a quiet laughter. He hadn’t seen Steve yet, not after the ultrasound when Bucky’s real feelings towards the news became clear. He guesses his friend wasn’t really sure of what his decision would be to actually congratulate him and express his emotions about it before, “And you're gonna be an uncle.” Bucky beams.

Steve only whimpers and tightens the hold around his friend.

“Alright, alright,” Bucky pats his back and let goes. “This is why everybody thinks we're a couple.” He adds, without taking the smile off his face.

Steve chuckles and shakes Bucky by his shoulder, with his eyes clearly red, the Captain wipes a tear with the back of his hand “You deserve this,'' he says.

No more words need to be said as Bucky’s smile falls but his eyes remain soft and he only nods as an answer. The two friends exchange meaningful and watery gazes before they move to go grabbing the oranges and the necessary utensils, forming a team side by side by the sink to slice the fruits and squeeze the juice using the squeezer.

“I know Y/N has banned you from telling anyone what you two are having, but you won't deny this information to your oldest pal here, are you?” Steve nudges Bucky as he slices the oranges.

“By the image on the screen, it sure looked like a kid.” Bucky keeps squeezing the oranges, unaffected.

“Ah, come on, Buck.”

“Not a chance, pal. If I didn´t give in to Nat, you won’t make me talk, either.” He turns to Steve, “And stop with the damn puppy eyes, you’ll have to wait, like everyone else.”

“Spoilsport,” Steve grunts his displeasure of being kept in the shadows about the baby’s sex before the smile comes back to his face, “You´re happy, aren´t you?” He softly asked after taking a good look at his friend.

“Like I’ve never thought I would be. Not even back in our days. It’s funny…” Bucky’s eyebrows furrow as a small breathy laugh comes out of his lips, “A couple of days ago I had no idea this kind of feeling, this sweet agonizing happiness, existed. Now it’s all I feel, all the time.”

“Sounds intense,” Steve chuckles, clearly pleased, “You and Y/N? What’s the deal with the two of you now?”

Bucky clears his throat and bites the insides of his cheeks, “We agreed we should focus on the baby. Let go of what happened before in the past.” He keeps his eye focused on the task of squeezing oranges.

“Oh…and how ́s that working out for you?”

“Good”

Steve stops what he’s doing altogether and turns to face Bucky, placing the hand holding the knife on his side, “Are you lying? Is this something we do now? Lie to each other?” He waves the knife on the space between them, “You couldn’t even be around her before, it can ́t be changed all of a sudden.”

Bucky shakes his head as he huffs. The damn punk… “It’s… I don´t know,” He turns to face Steve as well, “A mix of heaven and hell. Fighting with her was easier, to be honest.” He snickers, “I could handle that. And now, we talk, actually talk without fighting or anything… I get to be around her without jumping on each other’s throat and now I can really, really see her. She’s still her but, I don’t know…different,” He turns back to the sink, grabbing another half orange to squeeze as he talks, “She seems more content, level headed, elegant…” He sighs, “She looks even more beautiful each day that passes… fucking sexier…” His whisper is barely audible as his eyelids close for a moment, “It must be the pregnancy, I don ́t know, haven't you noticed it?” He looks back at Steve to find the latter holding back a smile.

“Seems the same good old Y/N for me,” Steve shrugs, “Maybe a little more… joyful?” He asks himself, “Yeah, but what do I know, I ́m not in love with her.” He resumes slicing the oranges, acting nonchalantly.

“Stop it.” Bucky glares at him.

Steve throws his arms to the air and scrunches up his chin as a sign of resignation.

After a few moments more of silence as they work together, Bucky briskly stops and turns to his friend again, “It's just, it's complicated,” His eyes shut as he scratches his eyebrow, “With the baby, and all.” He sighs, looking down, “I don´t wanna ruin the peace we’re finally achieving between us by trying again with her, but God…” He looks up to the ceiling before and his eyes close before he looks down at Steve, who has stopped his work to pay attention on the man beside him, “I have to physically restrain myself from kissing the fuck out of her every time I lay my eyes on her, every time she comes closer and I smell her perfume...goddammit…” He confesses for the first time out loud, before turning to the sink to lean his hands on the marble taking in a deep breath, “She said we didn ́t work as a couple, and she’s right, isn’t she…” He murmurs.

Steve places a kind hand on his shoulder, “I know the way it ended was rough and then everything else that happened after that, but everyone could see how you two loved each other, Bucky…” He softly says as Bucky remains silent, staring down, “And I don ́t know, you both seem like growing from the place you’ve been, when you’ve hurt each other…”

Silence lingers between them as Bucky feels his jaw clenching. He loves you. Of course he does, he always has and everything he did to try and deny this only resulted in pain. And that’s what scares the shit out of him. He knows you two agreed on trying to not focus on each other as anything more than parents, and as much as he agreed on it, the all-consuming love he feels for you only grows each day he stays at your side, each time he talks to you and he watches you becoming the mother of his child…

Fuck, he doesn’t want to ruin everything. Not again.

“Buck, everything will be alright, I’m sure,” Steve seems to hear his thoughts as he tries to comfort him.

Bucky forces a smile at his effort and squeezes the last orange, before wiping his hand with a knapping hung on the wall. Giggles coming from the living room catches their attention.

“Do you think there's something there,” Bucky tentatively asks, eyes stuck on the door that leads to the living room, “With Harry, I mean.” He clarifies in a low voice, when his eyes meet Steve’s.

Steve sighs before shrugging, his forehead creasing, “They seem close.”

Bucky nods slowly, worrying his lower lip between his teeth, “I heard his little girl, Luna, asking if Y/N was the girl he’s been-” He sulks down a harsh intake of breath, “I wouldn't blame him…” His lips form a taut line.

When Steve presents him with silence and something that resembles empathy in his eyes for him – old Steve Rogers’s style- Bucky clears his throat and moves to pour the juice on the Jar.

“Come on, I’m gonna say goodbye to them, I have to go.” He adds, turning towards the door with the Jar in his hand.

“Where to?” Steve cocks his head, narrowing his eyes.

“I’m gonna meet Anna in a few.” Bucky mutters as his shoulders round downwards, “I called her yesterday.”

“Oh.”

“You think I shouldn’t.” Bucky states.

“No, not at all.” Steve shakes his head. “I just wasn’t expecting to hear this now after-” Steve licks his lips and nods once, “I do think you should talk to her, though, Bucky. Set things straight. I know how important she’s been to you and I know it hurts you how things played out between the two of you. Now that you cleared your head a bit, maybe it’s the right time to really listen to her and tell her how you feel, too.”

Steve… always the voice of reason. Of his reason.

“I know.” Bucky nods. He needs to set things straight once and for all.

~~~

Chapter 18 coming soon.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes series #bucky series #bucky fanfiction #bucky angst #bucky barnes angst #angst

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moonnightyoongi · 7 years

Text

gone | yoongi

genre: angst, fluff, college/university!au.

pairing: yoongi x reader

word count: 10.5k

description: you were young and foolish, he was not.

From the very first day he walked into your life you knew, you knew that he wouldn’t be this small insignificant person that was only half a paragraph in the story that was your life, you knew that – if it was possible – he’d be the entire story. The person who filled each and every page with words that would make even the most pessimistic person smile. The person who would make you wake up each and every day with a smile on your face that couldn’t be wiped away.

You were so young when you first met him. So young and oblivious to the real world. You had barely passed the first year of college when you stumbled into him on the staircase during your dash away from the exam hall, the struggle to breathe taking over you. At first he groaned, muttering something about how first years were always in such a damn rush and that it would fade by the time they got to their second year, but then he took in your appearance. The look of worry, the slight tears building in your eyes and the fact that your hands were shaking so much you couldn’t grip the pens and pencils that had scattered on the floor. He told you to stop what you were doing and to focus on him for a second, even thinking back now you couldn’t stop the blush that arose on your face when you met his eyes. They were dark, but they had slight flecks of light brown, almost gold, that reminded you of honey or the sun setting in the distance during the summers you spent with your parents. His eyes stopped your mind from going into overload, it forgot everything that was making it panic, it simply focused on the memory of your father lifting you up and pointing at the sun as it set, the slight laugh in his voice as you squealed and sat on his shoulders. It was calming, calming to imagine a time when everything felt safe. His smile stopped your daydreaming, he made a joke saying that his attractiveness often did this to girls, back then you were so young and foolish you simply laughed and looked down at the floor. Nowadays, when a boy says something along those lines to you, you simply laugh and run your hands through your hair telling them that you had heard it a hundred times and it was almost never true. Almost being in Yoongi’s case, girls did fall for his eyes – and then they fell for everything that came afterwards, the smiles, the attitude, the caring side that would shine every now and again, the laughter, the jokes, the insults, the deep talks at 3AM when he couldn’t sleep because his mind had run wild with thoughts. He was mesmerising, someone you wanted to know and would be ever thankful that you had. He just had a terrible habit of leaving when you got too close.

1 YEAR AGO

You were woken up by a pillow smacking you in the face and a girly scream following it, she always was so loud – a pretty, small, loud girl that filled the room with joy by showing internet videos that she thought were funny. You first met her, Ella, on induction day of the University, she fell over on the stairs on her way up and while people laughed you ran up to see if she was okay. She was redder than a strawberry and you instantly knew you would like her, she muttered something along the lines of that it happened so often she might as well live on the floor. It was the first time you had smiled in a week.

“Wake up! Final exam today!” she sang, “Remember! As soon as you’re in, the sooner you’re out!”

You groaned and covered your ears with the pillow, you had barely slept. The anxiety and fear taking over you at the thought of having to sit a three-hour exam. Ella had stayed up with you for most of the night, shouting random words out at you and asking whether they were a noun, or a verb, or an adjective. No matter how many times you told her that you were a creative writing student and your exam was asking you to write a short story based on a genre they gave you, she wouldn’t give up – that was until she curled up into a ball on her bed and told you that if you didn’t fall asleep to count sheep or stars.

“Come on,” she said softer, a small smile on her face, “You’ve got this, alright? Just do what you always do, play a song in your head and get lost in the world you make in your head.”

You nodded your head at her and sat up straight in the bed, it was all you could manage as the fear crept in. Normally your mum would come in and smile widely, she would make a joke or push open the curtains and point out that as soon as you were out of the exam you would be in the beautiful blue skies. Unless it was raining then she would say that you could jump in the puddles like a child once it was all over. You didn’t know when the fear began, you just remember sitting and waiting one day and then suddenly feeling like you couldn’t breathe. Old friends swarmed around you asking what was wrong as you panted in and out, it became a routine thing after that. Teachers and friends slowly lost their patience each time a simple exam came round, they would always sigh and say another one? As if you were faking them or using them as an excuse for your poor grade that eventually followed.

“I’m walking you to your exam,” Del said pushing open the door of your room as you filled your pencil case with pen after pen, and pencil after pencil.

“You don’t have to do that,” you replied.

She smiled widely, “I want to!”

You had met Del through Ella, after your accommodation had fallen through at the last minute you had rang Ella, the only friend you had in the city, crying because you didn’t know what to do. She said she had a spare bed in her room and that you were open to have it. Del was her roommate, at first you were scared that you were entering her space but as soon as you stepped into the house she screamed loudly and welcomed you with a cake she had bought as soon as Ella had told her. She was there the first you ever broke down, it was 2AM and you couldn’t finish the short story no matter how hard you tried, the fear crept in again and you couldn’t help but cry underneath the desk in the room you shared with Ella. You thought you were alone in the house but as soon as you heard the door open and saw a piece of cake on a plate get slide in front of you, you knew that she was home and had heard everything. You never forgot the words she whispered in the darkness of the room, everything can be fixed with cake – especially chocolate cake. Unless you’re allergic to chocolate of course. It made you laugh so loud that you crawled out from underneath the desk to look her in the eye and thank her. I’m always here for you. And she always was.

“You got this,” Del said as she stood outside the exam hall with you, “Afterwards we can get cake. At the cafe round the corner, I’ll meet you there in three hours. Come straight, even if you’re panicking, okay?”

“Okay,” you replied, “I feel like a child.”

“Well, we all deserve to be treated like a child sometimes,” she smiled rubbing your shoulders; she sent once last thumbs up your way as your name was called to enter the room. Thinking back to it was strange, you had no memory of the three hours what’s so ever. You simply remember the genre you had to write about, romance, and the leads name in your story, Kevin. Everything in between was a blare, as soon as the three hours were up and your last hope of keeping your place in university was taken away to be marked, you stood up and got out of there as quick as you could. The thoughts about how it wasn’t enough, how you had probably misspelled a simple word, or that the storyline was too simplistic ran through your mind as you began to run for real through the university. Students frowned as you ran past, muttering something about you always being a hurry to get somewhere that wasn’t there, teachers tried to call for you to ask if you were okay, if the exam was okay, but you couldn’t think of anything but the cafe where Del would be waiting with a piece of cake on the table opposite her. The piece of cake that would control your thoughts and relax you for the first time in nearly two to three weeks. The panics always came in stages, if there was an exam coming up you would panic three weeks before it, thinking of only the worst until you got the results.

“First years are always in such a God damn rush, that’ll fade by the time you get to your second year,” he said when you collided with him on the stairs. The loud groan snapped your mind away from the cafe and to the panic that had slowly crept in. You tried to pick up the pens and pencils you had packed in the small, clear pencil case that morning but you could barely hold anything in your hand without it dropping to the floor with a loud thud.

“Stop,” he said putting his hand on top of yours, “Focus on me for a second.”

You raised your eyes to meet the strangers in front of you and immediately got lost, got lost in the memories of your childhood when you were happy and when you were safe. When you would watch the sunset and, sometimes, the sunrise. When the people around you would laugh and tell you that you were such a smart girl, that you were going to go on to do big things. When your dad would smile at you and tell you that you were his favourite girl, and that your mother was his favourite woman. When you felt safe.

He smiled widely, “I’m so attractive girls always stare.”

You didn’t know what to say, he was so confident that it threw you off. A laugh fell from your lips as you looked at the scattered pens on the floor.

“Sorry,” you said picking them up and putting them back into the clear case.

“Exam?” he asked.

“Yeah, three hours,” you replied.

“My friend just had one of those,” he said, “I’m going to get him now. See if he’s okay, he’s barely slept.”

“Creative Writing?” you asked.

“Yeah, Jungkook,” he replied, “You know him?”

Jungkook was the quiet kid that sat in the back of the class, he always looked so uninterested – almost as if he had chosen the wrong option or was in the wrong class – but he always came out on top. Teachers would scold the class and tell us to be more like Jungkook, and instruct us to expand our writing horizons like he did. One thing that always made you smile, even now, was the day that the class was practicing romance writing and you had come out on top (to everyone’s surprise). You remembered Jungkook coming up to you at the end of the class and telling you that he sucked at romance but even if he was good (like he was good at everything else) it still wouldn’t have been better than what you had written. He smiled widely at you before running out of the class to his friends that always waited outside.

“Yeah,” you laughed, “He’s cocky.”

He laughed loudly and ran his hands through his hair as he looked at you, “I gotta go see him, will you be okay?”

You nodded your head quickly and stood up fixing your skirt with a smile, “Thank you.”

“What for?” he asked.

You didn’t know how to explain it to him, how could you explain to him that he had calmed every anxious part in your body by letting you look into his eyes.

“For… checking I was okay,” you responded before running past him and down the stairs to leave the building. It was Jungkook who told you later that he had found him stood still staring at the door you had run out of. Jungkook said that when he had asked him what was wrong, he had replied that he had met someone he wanted close to him. It’s strange to think back, thousands of thoughts still ran through your head about whether it was true or whether Jungkook was simply lying to possibly make you feel better.

“You’re not panicking!” Del shouted when you walked into the cafe with a smile on your face. You greeted the old woman, Mavis, behind the counter as she clapped and told you she would bring over celebratory coffee.

“The strangest thing just happened,” you replied sitting down in front of her. She leaned forward and rested her chin on her hands.

“Tell me,” she smiled, thanking Mavis as she placed the coffee down on the table and pulled a chair over.

“Tell me too,” Mavis said making you both laugh.

“I was panicking and running through the university, and you guys know I never take elevators so I took the stairs but I ran into someone!” you explained, “But when I looked into his eyes, I forgot everything. I forgot the panic and the anxiety, I just relaxed. He had these light brown flecks in his eyes that reminded me of honey, or of the sun setting in the distance during the summers I spent with my parents.”

“Oh my God,” Del laughed, “I did not take you as someone who believed in love at first sight.”

“What? I don’t believe in that,” you said shocked.

“You just described a complete stranger in the most loving, caring way I’ve ever seen,” Del laughed.

“She’s a writer,” Mavis said, “What do you expect?”

“What was his name?” Del asked.

“I don’t know.”

“You didn’t even get his name?” Mavis asked, “God help us.”

“But he’s friends with Jungkook! You know the quiet boy in my creative writing class that walked into you one day and told you that he got lost in your eyes and complained when you hit him!��

“I remember him,” she groaned, “Ask him for his name then.”

“But, I don’t want to know his name,” you said.

“You don’t want to see him again?” Mavis asked shocked.

“Why would I?”

“Because there was obviously a connection there,” she said, “Trust me. I know a connection when I see one. Or hear about one in this case.”

“I think it was just coincidence,” you said watching as she stood up to serve the people that had walked in.

“Well, you know what they say, if you see them three times its fate.”

“Who says that?” you asked with a frown.

“I don’t know, someone,” she replied waving you off as you laughed and turned your attention back to Del.

“What?” you asked her as she ate the cake in her mouth.

“In the year I’ve known you,” she replied, “I’ve never seen you smile this big and for this long.”

“Huh?”

“I’m just saying,” she said leaning back, “If you’ve found someone who makes you smile, and makes you feel safe then you should go for it. Even if it was just because you collided into each other.”

You stared at her and nodded your head; in that moment you thought she was right. That you had found someone that would keep the smile on your face, someone that made you feel safe. Looking back you felt so childish, just because you two had collided into each other didn’t mean that you had literally collided into each other. You weren’t going to collide forever, eventually one day you would simply miss each other.

It had been weeks without a single sighting of the boy you had collided into on the stairs, at that time you began to wonder whether you had simply just imagined it. That somewhere in between your anxious state you fell and calmed yourself down by imagining something, someone, that would calm every worry you had in your mind. Ella and Del told you not to be stupid, of course it was a real person – a real person that someone you knew, knew. Del argued day after day trying to get you to talk to Jungkook about the boy with the mint green hair, looking back you were glad you didn’t simply walk up to Jungkook and ask – you would be crawling and cringing with embarrassment now as you thought of a conversation that could have been. But then part of you felt, would it have changed things? Would he still be by your side or would he have left sooner?

It was five weeks later when you saw him again; he had slipped out of your mind completely as lecturers started to talk about results and next steps for those who didn’t pass. You slept so much to sleep off the panic that the girls had to fight you from going to sleep as soon as you came in from your morning classes – they knew you wouldn’t get up until the next class. It was the end of a lecture and everyone had left the class, but still you sat in your seat staring at the board as the countdown written in pen dropped down to one. One more day and it would all be over you kept telling yourself but no matter how many times you tried to shake off the feeling that the world was going to end it came back. And so did the inability to move. Another class would be in any minute, you couldn’t sit through a lecture that wasn’t yours (well actually you could, you just wouldn’t understand a single thing about it). But then he walked in, pushing open the door so hard that the sound echoed the room. His eyes met yours and he frowned before a small smirk appeared on his face,

“It’s been week’s starer; I was beginning to wonder where you had managed to hide. Mind you, if I had started to see you often I probably would have started calling you stalker,” he laughed walking up to sit down next to you, “Creative Writing finished half an hour ago why are you still here? Interested in the History of Music?”

“You study History of Music?” you asked surprised.

“History of Music and Music Production,” he replied pulling his laptop out of his case.

“Cool,” you whispered starting to move your fingers so you could get up.

“You haven’t answered my question, why are you still here?” he asked.

“Daydreaming,” you lied standing up at last, “Enjoy your lesson.”

“Wait!” he called as you ran for the door.

“Yeah?” you asked turning to face him.

“What’s your name?”

“Y/N.”

“I’m Yoongi,” he stated, “Are you sure you’ll get back okay?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?” you questioned with a frown. At that time you were worried he had thought that you were sitting in the room waiting for him, that you wanted to see him again. That he would start calling you a stalker instead of a starer.

“Because you’ve left your bag,” he said lifting it up and smiling at you. There was something about the smile that made you relax and for once laugh at the embarrassment that was yourself. Instead of heating up, running up and ripping it from his grip and jetting out of the lecture telling the girls you never wanted to see him again – you laughed and walked up the steps loudly to retrieve your bag that he held in his hands.

“Thanks,” you mumbled taking it from him.

“Don’t forget this,” he said handing you your phone.

“Thanks.”

“My numbers in it,” he said.

“What?” you asked surprised.

“Change your passcode from 1234 if you don’t want people to get into it.”

“I thought I was being smart by purposely having a bad passcode,” you laughed looking at and laughing loudly.

“I set a picture of me as your lock screen, enjoy.”

“How did you do it so fast?” you laughed looking at him.

“I was going to say that I do it so often but that sounds – cocky. I do it to the boys,” he said.

“Ah, the boys.”

“No! Not in that way!” he laughed, “I take pictures on their phone when they’re not looking.”

“My friend Ella does that, I keep them for blackmail material,” you said looking at it and fighting back the smile.

“Jungkook does that too,” Yoongi said, “It must be a your year thing.”

“Huh?” you frowned.

“Everyone I know in your year uses the pictures as blackmail. Jungkook, Taehyung, Jimin, they all do it. Your year is smart.”

“What year are you in?”

“The year above,” he replied with a smile. That would explain his mumble when you collided into him on the staircase; it still hadn’t left your mind at that point. Would you really start to lose your excitement to get to class by the time you were in second year? Of course.

“Enjoy your lesson,” you said as people started to enter the lecture hall.

“I will starer,” he called. You remember turning to frown at him before leaving the lecture hall, but of course as soon as you left the hall a giant smile spread on your face because you had run into him again. You remember thinking about how it was fate, fate that you had run into him somewhere completely random and at a time when you felt like you needed him most. You didn’t know him, but in the moment of panic all you could think about were his eyes – and then he walked into the room.

“I saw him again!” you screamed running to the apartment.

“Really!” Ella shouted jumping up from the dining table with food hanging out of her mouth.

“Yeah!” you shouted sitting down in front of her, “Everyone had left and I started to panic because results are tomorrow and then he walked in!”

“Why does he always appear when you panic?” she frowned.

“Not always! I’ve been panicking for the past five weeks, but it was so strange Ella! I was thinking about his eyes and how they would calm me down and then he walked in!”

“That’s weird,” she said.

“I know! But what if it’s fate!”

“Did you get his name this time?” she asked.

“Yoongi,” you replied sliding your phone over to her, “He set this is as my lock screen when I nearly walked out of the hall without my bag.”

“I know him!” Ella shouted, “He’s friends with Taehyung.”

“I told you that he had mint green hair, how many boys on our campus do you think have mint green hair!” you shouted hitting her.

“I didn’t want to get your hopes up, and he hadn’t been outside the class for me to check his hair still was mint green,” she said.

“Does he dye it a lot?”

“Yeah, silver, red, blond, blue – he’s like a rainbow,” Ella said continuing to eat the food in front of her. You smiled and pulled the phone back towards you, Ella started to talk about Taehyung to you but your mind was elsewhere as you stared at the boy that overtook your lock screen. It was a split second picture that still looked better than anything you could take after spending a while on your makeup and finding the right lighting.

“Are you going to answer that?” Ella asked snapping you out of your mind, you hadn’t realised the text that appeared on the screen.

“Huh? Yeah,” you replied unlocking it and screeching slightly.

“What? Is it him?”

“Yeah, why did he put his name in as sunset and sunrise,” you frowned.

“I don’t know, ask him when you see him,” she responded, “What does it say?”

“He said he’ll be waiting outside my lecture tomorrow to take me out,” you said, “I get my results tomorrow, what if they’re bad?”

“Then throw Jungkook his way and run,” she said standing up to wash his dish.

“I’m quite small, I could crawl out,” you thought aloud.

“Don’t crawl out of the fucking class,” she laughed turning to face you, “What if you’ve done well? Then you can celebrate with him!”

“I’m not sure this is a good idea,” you mumbled rubbing your hands together as they began to sweat.

“What are you so worried about? You go out on one date and if you don’t like it then you delete his number and forget his existence, simple,” she smiled. If only it was that simple, if only you could forget his existence by simply deleting his number and every picture you had of him. If only.

“You’re right,” you said nodding your head and responding back.

[1:03pm]: i’ll see you then :)

Ella had laughed over your shoulder when you had hit send, she told you that the smiley face was so outdated and that you should have used an emoji instead. You didn’t listen though, he had already text back making a small conversation about whether you would prefer to eat, or drink, or simply go for a walk around the campus. It was the first time, in a long time, you felt someone really taking care of your needs, the girls tried but they had so much to do as well. When you were with him he was like that, constantly checking and asking – making sure you were okay. It was probably why you had fallen so deeply for him, you felt special and cared for, for the first time in a while.

He had waited outside your class that day, you remember walking out with your results in hand and a slight shake as you had realised that you had done more than enough to stick around another year doing the subject you loved. Looking back it was strange to think you were so scared about the results when you knew that you were the best romance writer in the case, you simply had something in you that made nothing but love flow out of the pen. He smiled at you when he saw you, ignoring the boy who had walked out before you did complaining about his grade. Jungkook had passed, of course he had, but he came second in the class – after you – and he hated the thought of not being the complete best, he was always like it.

“Here she is, the stealer of my throne,” Jungkook said as you walked over with a small smile playing on your lips.

“You’re a sore loser,” you pointed out.

“Only because I’ve never lost,” he argued.

“Well now you have, so build a bridge.”

Jungkook looked taken back at your response but soon enough the signature smile appeared on his face, “Well done.”

“You too,” you smiled awkwardly fixing the backpack on your back.

“Ready?” Yoongi asked.

“Wait, where are you two going?” Jungkook frowned.

“Not sure yet, I’ll see you later,” Yoongi said.

“I thought you were waiting outside for me.”

“Well you were wrong,” Yoongi said, “Taehyung’s class ends in a minute – go wait for him it’s only round the corner.”

“But you owe me food!” Jungkook shouted.

“I’ll buy you two plates if you go away,” Yoongi said.

“Deal, have fun you two,” Jungkook said pointing a finger at you both before turning to walk away. He always could be bought with food – whether it be you needing extra help or if you wanted to work on a project with him, as long as you turned up on his door with noodles or some sort of meat he would open the door widely and tell you he was thinking of working or giving help to no one else.

“Shall we go for a walk and see where we end up?” Yoongi asked.

You smiled widely and nodded your head as you both began to walk the opposite direction to Jungkook, knowing full well he would grab Taehyung to point you two out – and if Taehyung was near then Ella usually was too. At that time you didn’t know, no one did, so you would often joke with her that she was his stalker. She always had a look on her face that you couldn’t fathom – but you later found out it was her I know something you don’t look.

“Did you do tests this year?” you asked him as you walked towards the end of the campus.

“Yeah, we do them earlier on so that first years can do their tests last,” Yoongi replied, “Why?”

“I was going to ask how you did.”

“I’m still here aren’t I?”

“They kick you out if you don’t pass?” you asked stopping to look at him.

“No, they make you re-sit them with the first years. If you don’t pass them then you get kicked out,” he replied laughing, “But don’t worry, I’m sure you don’t need to worry about not passing.”

“Why?”

“Because you got the highest grade in the class.”

“That was luck.”

“Luck?” he asked, “Why was it luck?”

“The genre was romance.”

“So?”

“People tell me that I am the best at writing romance,” you told him.

“Really?” he asked, “Aren’t you a bit young to have already experienced love?”

“Love doesn’t just come from another, it can come from parents, pets, friends, places, objects,” you explained.

“Are you admitting you’ve never been in love?” he asked.

You looked at him, “Are you admitting you have?”

“That’s a story for another time,” he replied with a soft smile, “Do you wanna sit?”

You looked at the small bench and smiled widely as you sat down in the middle of it and stared at him, it was his laugh you could always remember so clearly. Some nights, when you felt alone, you could hear his laugh and instead of it making you cry it made you feel comforted and safe.

“Can I hear a story that’s for this time?” you asked him.

He leant back into the bench and thought for a while, you remember just sitting and watching him as he thought through a thousand stories in his mind to find one that was interesting enough to leave a mark on you.

“Can I tell you a story about how one time Jungkook thought it was a good idea to have a waterslide in the apartment and Jin came home to a flood and we all had to move?” Yoongi asked.

You laughed loudly and nodded your head, “I thought he was smart.”

“With books yes, with anything else he’s the dumbest motherfucker I’ve met,” Yoongi said making you laugh loudly and adjust your position so you could listen to the story in comfort.

“Go on,” you smiled.

It was probably one of the funniest stories you had ever heard, Jungkook brought the waterslide, set it up, stole water from the next door neighbour so that their water bill wouldn’t be too high and he and Taehyung (Jimin watched from afar knowing the pending disaster) played on it for about an hour or two before the landlord came knocking to see if their bathroom was leaking through the floor boards. They all had to pay for the damages, as well as paying the water bill for the next door neighbour, and for the carpet to be refitted in the downstairs apartment. Yoongi told you that they seriously thought of kicking Jungkook out with Taehyung but they knew it would be a recipe for disaster – and that they would have them knocking on the door less than a day later to tell them they had fucked it up somehow.

It was one of the many stories he eventually told you, stories about how the boys fell, or how they had broken a bone and ended up in A&E, or the one time Jin went on a double date with Taehyung only to find the girl Taehyung had been talking about (not so decently at times) was his cousin – Yoongi could barely hold in his laugh as he told you all about how Taehyung was kicked out of the apartment for a week and had to bunk in a girls apartment while trying to avoid her two roommates constantly.

That story however, it wasn’t a story told to you by him. Instead it was story that you overheard by accident, and a story he never wanted to share out of shame. A story that stuck in your mind and no matter how hard you tried to tell yourself it wasn’t you, that it was the story, that made him leave you couldn’t shake off the feeling that you were too similar, or too different and it frightened him.

You and Yoongi had been doing something for months by the time you truly felt like you were ready to ask him. Little, strange dates every now again would occur, he would sometimes pick you up from class or you would wait outside his, he would leave post it notes in your room with small lyrics he thought of and would always text you asking for you to send him the picture because he needed the lyrics for his class. Everyone could see the infatuation in your eye for him, the girls would make jokes about how you were whipped, Jungkook would joke that all the love stories you wrote in class were about and were written especially for Yoongi. Each joke would be met with a ‘shut up’ and a ‘you’re annoying me, leave me alone’. But you secretly knew deep down they were true, your eyes only looked for his, your heart only screamed his name, whenever something amazing happened he was the first one to know. You used to laugh at girls who were like this, completely giving themselves up for a boy – back then you became one of them and for months afterwards you would cringe at night at the way you behaved. As you got older you knew it came down to one thing, your brain released a hormone you had never felt before and it was like a drug, something you wanted constantly – so you became addicted to the person who would release it into your bloodstream. It wasn’t love, at least that’s what you told yourself, it was a chemical reaction that started because you were young, inexperienced, and feeling something for the first time.

“So you wanted to meet me?” Yoongi asked walking into the cafe you two both had taken accustom to.

“Yeah, sit,” you replied with a nervous smile.

“You okay? You look a little nervous,” Yoongi laughed.

“I just want to ask something.”

“Okay, go ahead,” he smiled leaning forward to show you he was interested.

“Wh-what are we doing?” you asked.

“What?”

“Wh-what are we? Are we just friends? Because if we are I wanna know, I don’t want to keep embarrassing myself by thinking your kindness is a sign that you like me or something,” you said awkwardly.

Yoongi shifted on his seat and for a second you thought he was going to tell you the line you had heard from movies and read from books so many times, listen you’re a really great girl or there’s someone else I like, I was using you to get her attention.

“I do like you,” Yoongi said, “I kind of thought it was obvious by the fact I spend every moment I have free with you.”

At that moment you felt like an inexperienced child, someone who knew nothing at all and it was embarrassing. It was the first time you had felt truly embarrassed in front of him, so much that you wanted to crawl into a ball there and then.

“Oh,” you whispered looking at your hands.

“I didn’t mean it that way!” Yoongi exclaimed quickly moving his chair around to sit next to you, “I just meant I was trying my hardest to make it so obvious because I couldn’t say it outright.”

“Oh,” you repeated, part of you was ecstatic that he liked you but the other part was still beating yourself up because how could be so blind?

“Do you – do you want to be friends?” Yoongi asked pulling away slightly. You looked up and smiled softly at him, he was exactly like you, shy, scared, worried that the other didn’t feel the same, at least that’s what you thought.

“Why, do you want to be something more?” you joked cheekily, the look on his face was priceless – as if he hadn’t heard or seen someone so confident, or that the last person he expected it from was you.

He smiled widely after a while and nodded his head with a hum following it, “Yeah, I want you to be mine.”

“Yours?” you asked, your eyes widening.

“Yeah, I want you,” he replied, “To be mine, to be my girlfriend, my best friend.”

“Okay,” you said.

“Is that a yes?”

“It’s a yes.”

“A definite yes?”

“Yes,” you laughed.

“Can I get it in writing?”

You pushed him away and laughed loudly, “Is me not saying yes enough?”

“I like things in writing.”

“I’ll tell you what,” you said leaning forward, “I will write our story, how’s that for putting it down in words.”

He smiled, “I’ll write a song.”

“This is disgustingly cheesy,” you frowned.

“I know. But lately I feel like no matter how hard I try, everything I write is about you,” he said.

You remembered your heart beating fast as you fell for every word that fell from his lips, you remember listening to the songs he made for his production class and smiling at the uplifting beats and deep lyrics, all that time you thought they were about you.

You were so naive.

After Ella had finally come clean that she had been dating Taehyung for, well, a very long time - everything changed once more. Del finally stopped ignoring the boy in her class and accepted the date he had been offering her for months, Ella began to say over more with Taehyung and since you stayed over with Yoongi it was like you and Ella had moved apartments together. Del said she hated it but you both knew that she just invited her boyfriend over so they could eat the food in the fridge and watch TV shows together.

“I have a question,” you began as you sat in the kitchen with a few of the boys and Ella.

“Go on,” Jungkook said as he sat next to you typing his work out (the work you had checked because it was practicing romance and he never understood where he went wrong).

“Yoongi told me a story about a waterslide.”

“The great waterslide incident,” Jungkook smiled, “Good times.”

“Bad times, we nearly lost our deposit for this place,” Jin chimed in as he cooked.

“What was your question?” Hoseok asked as he sat trying to fill in a worksheet for his class.

“Taehyung got kicked out,” you said, “And Yoongi said he bunked with a girl and had to avoid her two roommates.”

“Yeah,” Jungkook said.

“Did you bunk with Ella? Did you have to hide from Del and I?” you asked him as he awkwardly looked around the room.

“I did,” Taehyung said.

“I was going to tell you that he was staying but we didn’t want people to know about us!” Ella shouted causing you, Jungkook and Hoseok to jump.

“I’m not angry,” you laughed.

“So that means you two have been dating for over a year,” Jin said.

“Two, last week,” Taehyung smiled Ella.

“Oh my God,” you all said at the same time as they laughed.

“How did you hide it that long?” you frowned.

“It was easy, we enjoyed it just being us two that knew about it. It meant people weren’t looking at our relationship, judging it, trying to work out how long it would be until we broke up,” Ella said. Your blood ran cold as she said it, you and Yoongi had been so open from the very start – so open that everyone knew and you began to wonder if they were watching and waiting to see it fall.

“I prefer open relationships,” Jungkook said, “I like people knowing that they’re mine and that I care for them.”

“Me too,” Hoseok joined in.

“I like mine private, like Yoongi,” Taehyung said before his eyes widened and he awkwardly coughed.

“Jungkook you put the wrong word, its lust not lush,” you said ignoring the awkwardness that had filled the room. It was probably then that a warning sign should have gone off in your mind, a warning sign that something just wasn’t quite right.

“I wasn’t paying attention,” Jungkook said changing the word quickly and smiling at you. You smiled back before standing up and fixing your skirt,

“I’m gonna go home tonight I think,” you said, “See Del.”

“If it’s because I said that stupid thing, please don’t,” Taehyung begged.

“It’s not,” you laughed, “But I think it’s time I went home.”

“Are you not going to wait for Yoongi to get back?” Ella asked.

“He’ll only beg me to stay, I’ll text him,” you replied walking out of the kitchen and into Yoongi’s room where some of your stuff was. The feeling started to kick in that day, the feeling that there was something no-one was telling you but everyone knew. You began to wonder whether it was some big joke that was being played on you, the sweet, naive, innocent girl that came to the University with no friends and nowhere to live.

You walked home that day, it was so far and such a long walk – a good hour, but with so many thoughts in your mind you needed some time to clear you head, maybe try to stop the thoughts that told you that it was a big joke. That Yoongi didn’t actually like you. That the girls weren’t your friends. That Jungkook and the boys were all laughing behind your back at how naive you were.

“Hey!” Del shouted as you walked into the apartment.

“Hey,” you smiled.

“I thought you would be staying at Yoongi’s,” she said.

“No, I decided to come home.”

“I’m surprised Yoongi didn’t come with you,” she began, “Or that he was clutching your leg.”

You laughed, “No.”

“You two are so close,” she smiled, “And so open.”

“Are we?”

“Yeah, it’s nice to see.”

“Thanks,” you whispered walking into your room and shutting the door. Did people hide their relationships for two years? Was that a normal thing to do? Did people hide their relationships for first two months from prying eyes that would only judge from a distance? When it came to Yoongi, yes he normally did. Each relationship he had was so private that one day people would be surprised to see him walking down the corridor with a girl, holding her hand and telling someone it had been 6 months already. But not you and Yoongi, from the very first date people knew and people watched. People watched and whispered, I wonder if she knows the story. You didn’t know the story. And it wasn’t until one ‘quiet’ night that you finally found out the truth.

“We’re having a party,” Ella said walking into your room as you sat typing out your creative piece.

“Where? Here?” you asked.

“Yeah, tonight. And before you ask, yes you are coming,” Ella replied pointing her finger, “All you’ve done is work lately. Yoongi has barely seen you!”

It was two weeks after the thoughts had entered your mind, you had gradually began to avoid everyone more and more as the concern in your mind grew that it was all one big joke.

“Sorry, I just want to make sure this last piece is the best it can be,” you lied.

“I understand, but make some time tonight!”

“Okay,” you said.

“Great!” she smiled shutting the door after she left. You had an uneasy feeling in your stomach when you woke up that morning; you thought it was sickness or nerves from having to send your final piece off that day. You were so wrong.

People were drunk everywhere and you were never much of a drinker, you hated the stuff and you hated the lack of control you got when you drank too much. Yoongi had stuck to you all night, his hand was either holding yours or he was wrapping an arm around you telling you he had missed you.

“I’m just going the bathroom,” you told Yoongi as you stood up from the couch you were pulled down onto by a slightly intoxicated Yoongi.

“Okay, I’ll be here,” he smiled as you walked out of the room. The music was so loud, but the thoughts in your mind were so much louder – you should have just asked him. Asked him the story he refused to tell you from day one. The story that every time you mentioned made people stutter and lie that they had something else to do. It was strange thinking back, you were in the university when it happened, what were you doing all that time? How hadn’t you heard about it?

“I’m so sorry,” you shouted as you walked into someone as you walked to the kitchen.

“Its fine,” he laughed.

“It’s down you,” you groaned, “Do you want to lend a jacket or a shirt?”

“No, no don’t worry,” he laughed looking at you.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t looking.”

“Too lost in your thoughts,” he joked.

“Yeah, something like that.”

“I’m Sicheng,” he said.

“Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you,” he smiled before walking around you and getting lost in the crowd of people that filled your apartment. You stared for a while, trying to see if you catch his eye in the crowd before giving up and walking back to the living room to see if drunken Yoongi was still sitting in the place you had left him.

“Where’s Yoongi?” you asked Jungkook with a frown.

“He went outside for some air,” Jungkook replied.

“Okay thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” he said before turning his attention back to the girl that sat beside him twirling her hair. The feeling had come back as you walked down the stairs of the apartment building, he was so drunk how had he managed to walk down by himself was the thing running through your mind trying to distract you.

“Damn it Nayeon, move on!” a loud voice shouted, a loud voice you knew belonged to Yoongi.

“I can’t!” the girl replied equally, if not louder.

“I have a new girlfriend!”

“Then where is she!”

“She’s inside! It’s her apartment!”

“You mean that girl that’s looked uninterested all night?”

“She’s got a lot going on right now.”

“She’s a child Yoongi.”

“She’s in the year below us,” Yoongi scoffed.

“I bet you’re her first boyfriend, her first kiss, her first time, her first love. You love being everyone’s firsts don’t you Yoongi?”

“Be quiet Nayeon.”

“You were my first everything and then you got bored and left me. Then four months later rumours ran round of you and this new girl. What does she have that I don’t Yoongi?”

“She cares about me.”

“I care about you! But then one night I woke up with a sticky note stuck on the pillow with an apology on it!” she shouted.

“You didn’t care about me. You hated listening to my music, you hated that I picked music as my major. You wanted a business man,” he scoffed.

“And, what? She loves that you do music? She loves that once you finish college you will be basically unemployed for the longest time? Music doesn’t have many career paths Yoongi; I was looking out for you.”

“I didn’t want you to.”

“Well I did because I loved you and I thought you loved me!” she shouted.

“I did love you!”

“Then how could you do that to me? I thought it was a stupid rumour that you broke up with girls via post it notes. But it’s not. Every ex I spoke to still have their stupid post it note you left. You’re a child!”

“I am not!”

“So are you going to do it to this new girl, huh? You gonna get bored like the rest and leave a post it note?”

“No.”

“That’s what you told everyone else.”

“She’s different.”

“Wow, they heard that line too. What about your friends huh? Have they told her yet? Told her the terrible stories about how you guys have to constantly move because of girls banging on your door and telling you that you’re the worst human in the world? I bet she believed that stupid waterslide story didn’t she? Ate it up didn’t she? Thought it was the funniest story she’s ever heard,” she laughed.

“Shut up,” Yoongi snapped.

“What about those ‘friends’ of hers? Ella and Del, did they tell her that they were childhood friends with me? But cut me off because Taehyung and Ella were dating and they didn’t want it to be awkward?”

“No,” Yoongi said.

“Didn’t think so,” she said, “How could you do this to someone else? Do you not have a conscience? That poor girl is going to fall head of heels in love with you and one day she’ll wake up to a sticky note apology surrounded by people who knew the outcome. She’s going to feel so alone and betrayed by everyone she thought were her friends. She’s practically a child Yoongi, how could you do that her? If you like her as much as you say you do, then do the right thing. Do it properly. Tell her the story. Tell her your past. Let her make the decision about whether she wants to continue with you knowing the risk.”

“I don’t need to hear this,” Yoongi scoffed, “She’s different. I told you.”

The girl, Nayeon, laughed. She laughed loudly and turned to face the door, that’s when your eyes met. Her face fell, as if she had done the worst thing in the world. You didn’t know what to do, you had heard everything. You didn’t know whether to turn around and run up the stairs, you didn’t know whether to walk up to him and slap him across the face for all the girls who couldn’t, you didn’t know whether you wanted to stay with him.

But in that moment all you could think of to do was to lift your finger to your lips before turning around running up the stairs. You pretended you hadn’t heard a thing. You smiled widely at Yoongi as he walked back into the party; you followed him out as he took you back to his apartment, you lay next to him that night as he breathed in and out, a bucket nearby in case he was sick. Then you began to play the scenario through your head once more. You didn’t sleep, you couldn’t sleep, you didn’t know whether you’d wake up to the sticky note on the pillow.

That was the beginning of the downfall.

It was hard to pretend that you were okay, that you didn’t know. You felt like everyone around you was your worst enemy and to make it worse you had to pretend that you were the person before you knew. Every morning you woke wondering whether it would be that day you saw the sticky note. That it would be that day that started all the pain.

“Morning,” Ella smiled.

“Morning,” you replied back.

“What are you doing on our first day of holiday?” she asked, “Going out with Yoongi.”

“I’m going the library.”

“By yourself?”

“Yeah,” you said, “I need to read a book for class. I want to do it now, get it out the way.”

“You study too much,” she laughed, “I thought you would be coming to the picnic with us.”

“What picnic?”

“Yoongi hasn’t asked her yet,” Del said walking into the room, “He was going to surprise her.”

“Oh shit, sorry,” Ella laughed.

“It’s fine, I can’t go anyway,” you said standing up.

“Are you okay?” Ella asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you lied smiling falsely and walking back to your room. It was exhausting; you were never one to cover up anything but this time you felt like you needed to until you sorted out your next steps.

“I’m going the library now,” you said walking out with your backpack and pens.

“Okay, have fun. Join us if you want to, we’re at the park round the corner,” Del said smiling and waving you off.

“Okay,” you said.

At first it was strange, sitting in the library practically on your own reading a book and writing down quotes, story plots and anything else you could think of. Your phone was buzzing with messages from Yoongi, and the girls, begging you to come to the park and spend time with them. After a while you gave in, you shut the book and sat back thinking about everything. You began to think about your next steps, would you move out? Would you ignore Jungkook in lectures? Would you even continue on in this University?

“I know you,” a voice whispers sitting down next to you.

“Sicheng,” you pointed.

“Y/N,” he smiled.

“Why are you in the library?”

“I was returning the books I used last term.”

“You’re in University too?”

“Yeah.”

“What one?”

“It’s just out of town,” he replied.

“Not my one then,” you sighed.

“No, probably not,” he laughed, “I was at your party with my friend, he knows Jungkook.”

“Oh,” you laughed looking down.

“Why are you in the library?”

“Just doing some work.”

“Break just started, you’re doing it already?” he laughed.

“Yeah,” you smiled.

“Has something, happened?” he asked you.

You looked at him and nodded your head, “My boyfriend, he had this secret story. I found it out the night of the party.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“He breaks up with girls on sticky notes,” you told him.

“Oh.”

“I know it’s not something I should be angry over, but I can’t help it.”

“You’re worried,” Sicheng said.

“Really worried.”

“You have every right to be.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, what does your heart tell you?” he asked.

You fell silent and stared at the book that was in front of you; during that time you knew what you needed to do but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You under his spell and you knew what you needed to do to break it but you didn’t want to. You didn’t want to feel like shit. You didn’t want to feel like you had wasted your time on someone who didn’t care for people’s feelings. You didn’t want to lose what you had left.

“I think you already know,” Sicheng said standing up, “I’ll give you my number. If you ever want to talk to someone about it then just text me.”

“Thank you,” you smiled handing him your phone, “You’re the only one that knows I know.”

“Seriously?” he asked, “That’s not healthy.”

“I know.”

“If you need me text me, if you don’t then don’t worry.”

“Thank you Sicheng.”

“No problem, see you around. Maybe,” he added with a smile before he walked away. It was the first time in a while that you felt relieved and calm. It didn’t last much longer.

Two months. Two months you pretended you didn’t know. The school year came to an end and the girls talked about going on holidays with the whole group, you had declined. Telling them that you had to go home and see your parents before the jetted off on holiday for a few months. In actual fact you had went to see Sicheng, you stayed in his apartment and got to truly know him. He was the closest thing to a friend you had ever had, he listened, he laughed at your stupid jokes and best of all – he had nothing to do with Yoongi and the others. His friend knew Jungkook but Sicheng didn’t. You felt free around him, like you didn’t need to worry that he knew something you didn’t. You returned back to the apartment in time for the girls and the boys to walk in laughing about their holiday. But it stopped when they saw you stood behind the counter eating noodles.

“What?” you asked.

“We’ll leave,” Ella whispered.

“No. Stay,” Yoongi said walking into the room, “Y/N, I need to ask you something.”

“What is it?” you asked pushing the bowl of noodles to the side.

“Are- are you cheating on me?” he asked, it was the first time you had saw him so vulnerable and so unconfident. You had frowned at him, cheating? Why would you cheat on him? If you had eyes for someone else you would have told him – knowing it would be unfair.

“Of course not,” you replied, “Why?”

“Jungkook’s friend,” he began and that’s when you knew what he was about to say.

“Sicheng,” you interrupted.

“Yeah,” Yoongi said bawling his fists.

“He’s my friend,” you said.

“You stayed in his apartment.”

“In his spare room,” you said reaching for the noodles to start eating them again.

“But do you understand how that looks?”

“I do, I’m sorry. I should have told you I was staying with a friend instead of my parents. I’m sorry, again,” you said.

“Why have you been with him more than us?” Ella asked, “We’re your best friends. He’s your boyfriend for Christ’s sake!”

“Do you remember the night of the party?” you asked.

“Yeah, about two, three months ago. Why?” she answered.

“I asked Jungkook where Yoongi was and he told me he had gone out to get some air,” you said.

“So?” Del frowned.

“I overheard you and Nayeon,” you said looking at Yoongi.

“Shit,” he whispered.

“I was going to say something, and God I don’t know why I didn’t,” you said, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry,” Yoongi said, “I should have told you.”

“So you know about Nayeon, how we were friends, how we cut her off, the sticky notes, the moving?” Ella asked.

You nodded your head, “Yep.”

“And you still stayed?” she asked.

“I was planning my next steps,” you replied.

“Next steps?”

You looked at Yoongi and shifted awkwardly on your feet, “For the past two months I’ve thought about nothing but what she said.”

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Yoongi whispered.

“I-I can’t bear the thought of waking up to a sticky note Yoongi.”

His eyes darkened as he made his way towards you, “You think I’d break up with you through a sticky note?”

“You’ve done it before.”

“That night I told her you were different.”

“But how do I know you won’t?”

“How could you think I would?”

“Because you’ve done it so many times before!” you shouted letting the tears fall, “I’m not like the other girls Yoongi. I’m not going to kick and scream at the sticky note, I’m not gonna force you to move your apartment. I’m just going to stare at the sticky note for who knows how long and blame myself constantly, year after year. I will destroy myself with it.”

“Y/N, look at me.”

“What?”

“You’re different,” he said, “Please trust me, please trust my words when I say that I like you a hell of a lot, that I think I love you. I’m not going to treat you like every other girl; you’re not every other girl. You’re the girl for me.”

You sniffed and looked at him, “Do you promise?”

“I promise. I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” you whispered back letting him kiss you.

Three weeks later you woke up to a sticky note on your pillow and an apology.

You were never the same again.

writing | plz let me know what u think

part two: xx

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