#but they didn't need me either | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

galwaygremlin · 1 year

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lise rants xmas special:

not really a rant, just feeling Sad. finally put on a christmas song (i’ll be home for christmas bing crosby), i’ve been avoiding them this year. I will not be home for Christmas for the second year in a row. Buffalo’s been getting one of the most intense winters ever. And I’m. In Texas. For the second year running.

And I don’t miss my family.

Not right now, at least- it’s weird, I don’t get it, I go weeks on end being homesick or missing them whenever I think about them, and then weeks at a time where I reach for any shred of that feeling and can’t find it. I love them, I never stopped, but missing them means wanting to be with them- at least a little bit- and I don’t. Not yet.

Still feels wrong not to be with them this time of year.

#houston we have a problem #lise rants #listening:#xmas tunes apparently #i just. I Just.#winter was. my job u know?#i shoveled. restocked firewood and kept the fire going at night and when i got home from school.#i mopped up after everyone's wet footprints and helped my mom with the baking for the holiday parties #when we had chickens and ducks i checked the water and the heat lamps #helped my dad dig the truck out of the snow a million times #walked up the driveway first so my sister could step in my footsteps when it was two feet deep in snow #it felt right to take care of them #and the year and a half- going on two- that i've been on my own #i've shown i didn't need them like they thought i did #but they didn't need me either #and i don't know what the fuck any of us are supposed to do with that #and as much as i hate to admit it it's hard to be alone #they have each other and i was more trouble than i was worth to them anyway #i have no one and it's entirely my own doing #knowing i made the right choice doesn't help lol

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stil-lindigo · 1 month

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lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

#cw: suicidal ideation #cw: suicide #cw: self harm #cw: mental health #cw: depression #i made the balloon the main representation of my self destructive urges for a reason but im not going to explain it #i tried to keep a lot of the details in this vague #it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves #so. please dont #for a long time even the thought of making this comic felt so insipid and narcissistic #with the state of the world as it is #having the only threat to your life be yourself felt so privileged and trite and shameful #but doing this comic made me sit down and process things in full #and im just. very grateful i didn't give in to my thoughts back when i sincerely felt i'd be more useful to the world dead #i also feel the need to say that this wont represent everyone's battle with mental illness. its unfortunately different for all of us #there is no fix-all #and im afraid this might be one of those comics that either resonates a lot or misses the target by a mile #i made it for myself foremost. and now that its done im glad i did it #thank you for reading #and please stay alive #stillindigo art #stillindigo comics

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inkskinned · 1 year

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oh you know it's all latestage capitalism but the thing is. how are you supposed to be a person inside of this. a person trying to be a better version of yourself.

oh, you started working young, which was kind of hard, but it's just the way stuff works sometimes. and it was 2008 and your family couldn't afford heat. but it's fine, you grow a spine and get used to the professional world and besides it was the suburbs we're talking about here, like, your life could have been actually hard, so what if your father lost his job and you can't afford to move or turn the lights back on. and once you start making money, it's good. you keep doing that. because now they're relying on you. so you have to do that.

oh you were in thousands of dollars of debt at 17 years old so that you could go to school, because you have to go to school if you want to get a "real" job. you even did it "right", you worked parttime and attended community college before you transferred to a public school. you were under so many merit scholarships.

which is fine. you pick yourself up and you say like, okay. i graduated college. i'm holding down a job. i'm doing the Adult Thing, which looks and acts like this, according to all the books i've read. you start with the shitty job and then you climb that corporate ladder.

but the shitty job doesn't cover rent and you stretch yourself too-thin so you get sick. good luck with that. the shitty job no longer pays for your meals. everyone asks why you don't just move, but there's nowhere to move to. and with what money are you going to be moving? and then the loans come back, because they were never going to forgive them, because you were 17 and trying to do the right thing, which was stupid. people are now saying you shouldn't have even gone to school.

which is fine. but because you have no other option, so you do the shitty job, and you apply every day for like 5 new ones, and despite the fact everyone says "there's no one who wants to work!" it's actually just that nobody is fucking hiring so you can either work for 13 dollars an hour in the shitty place you know (where at least you have a passingly friendly relationship with the manager) or you can start from scratch again with a different 13 dollars an hour without knowing how much abuse from the new job you'll be taking.

and if you quit you lose your insurance. if you quit you lose your housing. if you quit, you'll be another burnout kid. the lazy ones. these assholes, look at them!

and you come home to a family dinner and you hear from your father the same old thing. how he worked hard at his job and yes it sucked for a while but he was able to provide for the family and then the house and the dog and the rest of barbie's dream vacation. how the insurance did cover some of it. how you just really need to start speaking up more in manager conversations so they know you're a go-getter. you want to tell him - did you know we're actually doing more now hourly than any previous generation? - but you can't remember where you heard that statistic, and you're far too tired for the fucking argument. and then he starts in on his usual bit. where's the house? where's your kids? where's your ambition.

the same job the same money the same hours doesn't do it anymore. the same nose-to-the-grindstone now just shreds your face off. there's no such thing as upwards mobility, not really. and as far as you're aware, the money certainly is not trickling. you do the soulless stupid shit you signed up for because you fucking have to or else you literally risk your life (food, the apartment, the insurance), but it's not getting you anything. you download the stupid "save more" app and you budget and you do every right thing and then the price of eggs is 7 dollars and you say - oh great! another thing i have to fucking worry about now!

and you go to your stupid job and everyone in your father's generation just tells you to be better about being an adult. they have their homes and their savings account and their bailout and they say. well have you tried not drinking starbucks. well your generation just spends too much on clothing. well you might just be too addicted to travelling. and you - because you need the job - you bite your tongue and don't say i am being held prisoner and you're suggesting i stop pacing my cell if i don't like the scenery and you don't say what the fuck do you think i've been doing with my money and you don't say i haven't spent a cent on something nice in literally forever much less coffee you arrogant asshole. you open and close your bank app and check your loans and check your credit score and check fucking zillow and ziprecruiter and apartments.com just one time more. and still they give you that demeaning little grin and say - see, what you need is -

what you need is for your meds to stop being so fucking expensive. what you need is for the housing bubble to explode into dust. what you need is for billionaires to choke on their wealth. what you need is actual help. what you will get is more economic advice from people who are older-and-wiser.

and above you, almost in a glimmer, you can see the wedged smile of your debt getting toothier, wider.

#i hate when people try to tell me i didn't do it right #what should i have done better #i did it ALL the right way #(not that there is a right way)#it's just that others feel comfortable believing that THEY did it the right way and that's how they made money #whereas i must have just committed a sin somewhere in there! i MUST be doing it wrong!!!#and i'm not a victim!!! im simply experiencing consequences!#and im like. where . where. wherewherewherewhere #i graduated top of my class. i was almost the student speaker.#i have always excelled at work and i work hard #i have been working since i was 13 #WHERE !!!!! IS MY FUCKING !!!! MONEY!!!!!!#ps please do not make the assumption i am ablebodied or neurotypical.#i am neither of these things.#it DOES get worse if u are either of those things. so fuckin much #but @ the one anon who was like ''u could be X that would be worse u don't know how lucky u are''#.... don't i?#do i need to be luckier than someone else #or is it possible we are BOTH victims?#and that we need to work TOGETHER to resolve it #not just wave it off since it COULD be harder for someone else... it can be true we BOTH deserve better

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infiniteorangethethird · 6 months

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maybe unpopular opinion but probably one of the least useful pieces of advice I've ever got as an auDHD person to the question of "how tf does one make friends" was to go and join clubs/groups that do hobbies I enjoy. Not only does this not actually answer the question of how to make friends (yknow, how to approach people, how to start a conversation, how to appear friendly enough that they don't immediately reject you for existing, how to actually keep them as friends later on, etc), but also the chance of me choosing to force myself into the discomfort of "making smalltalk with random strangers" is absolutely nonexistent when the alternative of engaging with a hyperfixation is not only socially acceptable but even encouraged

#autistic #autism #actually autistic #adhd #actually adhd #neurodivergent #actually neurodivergent #one time a friend of mine took me to a knitting club #she kept telling me beforehand how nice everyone was and #i shouldn't be anxious cuz they are all nice ppl #when we got there the social anxiety got to me #so to calm myself i took out my project of the time #i then proceeded to hyperfocus on knitting for the rest of #the two hours that we spent there #ignoring everyone else and not talking whatsoever #and since they didn't approach me either i just sat there in silence #she obviously couldn't pass up the opportunity to make fun of me afterwards #needless to say i never went back there again #cuz i mean if i wanna knit i'm gonna to it in the safety of my home #i don't need the added stress of masking in front of others #i still don't know how to make friends

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surven-snacks · 1 year

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This one tag: *lives in my head rent-free until I draw it*

Me: *draws it*

He's rocking it though,

(Pats the top of his head ) This boy is so handsome he can fit so many traumatic memories looks on him

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general-cyno · 8 months

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When you met me tied up on that cross, what did I say? [...] Oh, that you made a promise to someone a long time ago to be the world's greatest swordsman.

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bumblingbabooshka · 1 month

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Tuvok Voice: You are her official right hand while I have been making detailed psychological observations about her for the past four years - we are not the same.

[Patreon | Ko-fi]

#love early seasons Tuvok where he really goes hard on hissing at Chakotay like '/I/ know her best. She trusts /ME/ the most'#wish they had a whole episode about the three of them and their dynamic. REAAAALLY I wish there was a whole multi-episode arc about it #Tuvok #Kathryn Janeway #I didn't wanna draw any particular uniform bc I don't really care when precisely they were ensigns #and the show doesn't either (Janeway has known Tuvok 6 or 20 years)#the starfleet uniform changes so much anyway <3 I don't mind - it's fun #st voyager #voy #st voy #star trek voyager #this can be ship art if you believe #bea art tag #there is SOMETHING going on between them #Tuvok has a file somewhere that's just FOUR + /YEARS/ of observations on Janeway #I need you to understand - at the time of him saying this they have not been in the delta quadrant for four years. He was doing this BEFORE

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thekittyokat · 20 days

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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah

#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again #the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys #saw #well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand #know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows #your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn #thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down #something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness #the transformation of a man into a monster #and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption #sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this #do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore #it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating #fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn #i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him #until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else #well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God #where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium #anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus #maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man #i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed #if only he hadn't been weaponized first #god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already #but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there #rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts #ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly #cat chat

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omaano · 1 year

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Big Blue joins The Mandalorian Meets Hades Project!

#I was sitting on that dialogue for a week orz don't judge me here. their love language is insults #in my defence I forgot how to draw in the past weeks and needed to fuss with this a little to reset my brain #paz vizsla #dinpaz #pazdin #the mandalorian #the mandalorian fanart #hades au #din djarin #my art #I'm actively thinking about what trinkets to assign to Paz but if I don't post it now I never will #I figured Paz would be great in the Asterius role in-game even if he has more of a theseus like shit talking kind of vibe lol XD #Like make it a Din and Grogu vs Paz and Ragnar kind of battle #where Grogu can eventually three-shot the other kid but if Din so much as brushes past Ragnar he automatically instant loses #and will have to crawl back to beg for forgiveness #I didn't have it in me to draw out a pocket Paz next to pocket Din in the bg #and I don't trust myself any to make it to the arena in hades rn either XD I haven't booted up the game in months #so I had to rely on background screenshots from when I started this project lol #just enjoy how absolutely bit and massive Paz is okay? I can fret with my perfectionism in peace over here XD #never drawing that minigun again NEVER #next one should be Bo-Katan and co as the furies because I really want to draw up Axe and Koska as well #you know whenever I'll have some free time like in July XD #I'll save my very specific Hungarian issues with the Vizsla name because I'm too tired to type out all that rant here lol #BUT WHY IS IT WRITTEN WITH A “ZS” WHEN ABSOLUTELY NOBODY CAN PRONOUNCE IT RIGHT????#just write it with a Z or an S and let me have my peace please this is driving me up the wall every single time I think about it #why name the House/Clan after a hungarian dog breed when then nobody bothers to pronounce that ZS right??#it's not like anyone would know that you're dropping a letter there whatthehell why #you're robbing me of precious hours of sleep here every second week #*cough* okay maybe you are not spared from my rant oops

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kanansdume · 2 months

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Okay, so I have read a lot of fics where Dogma joins the Coruscant Guard post-Umbara as a way to protect him, or he joins the Guard because the 501st doesn't like him, but I have a new CG Dogma AU concept.

Rex sends Dogma to the Guard specifically to look after Fox. He KNOWS Fox is overworked and the Guard is understaffed, but Fox just isn't asking for help as much as Rex would like, so he sends Dogma over because if Rex can't be there to look after Fox himself, he might as well as send the next best thing. Dogma is a little skeptical about it at first, but Rex tells him that he is legitimately the best man for the job specifically BECAUSE of his personality (he's got reason to believe Fox will have a soft spot for someone who reminds him of Rex).

He tells Fox that this is something he and Dogma discussed because the kind of work the Guard does is a better match for Dogma, but that he's also one of Rex's most impressive soldiers. Fox sees right through Rex and is not impressed at being assigned a babysitter, especially not some barely-not-a-shiny sergeant from the 501st. It's almost insulting, but the paperwork has already gone through so he can't say no or just send Dogma back.

But Rex knew what he was doing and Dogma IS a lot like Rex and he thrives in the Guard and it turns out he gets along incredibly well with Fox and, due to some special insider info from Rex, is perfectly capable of helping keep an eye on his new Commander.

#star wars #clone trooper dogma #captain rex #commander fox #this is a fox/rex au for me #but theoretically it could just be like a really close friendship or sibling bond if you really can't handle cloneshipping #but yeah basically rex (and most of the other commanders) are PERFECTLY aware that the guard is a difficult job #it's just different from theirs #but they don't all do the exact same job either #some of them are really frontline battalions while others are more rescue/aid based and others might be more recon #none of them are more or less difficult than the others and the guard is included in that #the reason rex has to take initiative in sending fox some help even tho he knows fox needs it #is because fox KNEW rex wouldn't just send him regular soldiers #he KNEW rex would be weird and overprotective about it if he asked for extra men or something #so he asked literally everyone BUT rex which means of course rex KNOWS fox needs men even if he isn't being asked directly #that may or may not encourage him to do what he does afterward by sending dogma to fox #'you didn't want my help asshole? well here have a mini me then'

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radiance1 · 5 months

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This au again but we shall have Sam aged down, like minor age here. Still got her castle an allat but DC and DP are one and the same here leggo.

Sam had HAD IT with the covens. She's so, so tired of most of them, they just, won't leave her alone.

What the hell does a girl have to do to get them off her trail? She moved her castle, once, twice, more than three times. THREE. TIMES!!! And all that seemed to do was make them want her MORE.

She moved her castle as a fuck you, but seemed to just throw them a carrot instead.

She is just, so tired of them and the worst thing about this is, she can't even force them away either. Sam is powerful, she knows that, moving a castle on a whim is a powerful feat of magic, and she (accidentally) made the goddamn philosopher's stone and it fused itself with her, thus giving her basically eternal life.

But she knows better than to fuck with entire covens when she hasn't even finished her studies yet as self-imposed as they were. There is probably a school for magic, she doesn't know if that actually exists, but she isn't going to one of those because, well, she doesn't have an invite to go but that's besides the point.

Case in point, Sam has the raw power, not so much the training and expertise where she can go against a full-blown coven yet and multiple at that. She also knows that them not inviting themselves in was due to basic courtesy and that just lets her move her castle to another area and the thing is, she doesn't know just how many times she can keep doing this before they just decide to break in the next time they find her castle.

She's lost quite a bit of sleep over this, she will admit.

She is glad that they were rather diplomatic in their approach rather than forcing her to comply at their earliest convenience. But all in all, she's just. So, so tired of being hunted down by covens because what? She's a fledgling witch that needs guidance or whatever?

Well, they aren't wrong but still.

She's met one of the coven leaders before, nice old lady. Didn't try forcing her to join, or even asked really, but just warned her about the other covens wanting her power for one reason or another and left as quick as she came.

Again, nice old woman.

So, Sam needs a magical... supervisor? Mentor? Whatever, just someone she could use to shield herself from the covens.

Her answer came in the most unexpected way, really.

Her next hiding spot was one Gotham City. Why? Because the city rife with crime would make just the greatest of hiding spots, really.

Can you tell she's running out of options?

It's gotten to a point that Sam would just, take the attention of Batman himself if that means she doesn't have to interact with the covens for one more day and boy did she get his attention.

Batman brought not just one, but two magic users. Zatanna and Constantine were their names, and Sam already finds herself eyeing up either of them to be her potential magical shield.

Now, how does she pop the question, is the question.

#dc x dp #dp x dc #dpxdc #dp x dc crossover #dcxdp #dc x dp crossover #You've heard about Danny needing a magical guardian because he's a minor #But now reflect that onto Sam basically and you have this #Sam is just a young witch trying to study magic #She did NOT want multiple covens on her ahh fr #Like #Chile #She is NOT dealing with allat #At least one of them was nice enough to warn her and then just dip #Unfortunately they didn't want the other covens to turn on them either so like #Anyways that's enough from me now #A goodbye

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coockie8 · 4 months

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There's no way any anti who throws the "go file your taxes" insult is actually an adult, right? 'Cause an adult would know you literally only file your taxes once a year and only at a like really specific time of year usually :/

#like if you're gonna tell me to ''go do X adult task'' at least make it an adult task I have to do every day #like dishes or some shit #so you don't come off like a toddler who doesn't understand how the adult world works #I mean that's still a weak as hell insult because the dishes take at most an hour if they're particularly dirty #but at least I do that every day so it kinda makes sense #taxes are a once a year event #it's not like they need to be filed every month :/#''go take care of your children'' is wildly misogynistic so that one's not allowed either even if I had children #adults do in fact do things besides ''work taxes and make/care for babies''#like >18 antis are in for a world of backlash when they hit 18 and realise their hobbies/interests didn't suddenly disintegrate #just anti things #anti bs #proshipper safe

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fox-guardian · 8 months

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Asking about the stoker swap au, are we likely to see the whole America Thing? If not, will Trevor&Julia and/or Gerry be showing up at some point? Or is it going to be more like canon only this time Danny's there?

i haven't gotten that far in my planning but it'll probably go down smth like this

[ID: Several images making up a digital comic of Jon and Danny drawn on a brown background. Jon is a short, thin Arab man with dark curly hair pulled into a loose bun, with a mustache and beard. He is wearing half-moon glasses, black stud earrings, a t-shirt, shorts, socks and sneakers, and a sweater hanging off one shoulder. His right hand and the front of his neck are bandaged. Danny is a tall, beefy Latino man with short hair and a cut in his brow and he is wearing small hoop earrings, a button-down with the sleeves rolled up, a sweater-vest, trousers and dress shoes. Both Jon and Danny are riddled with circular scars. Jon is colored purple, and Danny is yellow.

Jon is walking while looking through papers as Danny leans in behind him, grinning.

Danny: (all caps) Heeeey Jon~! Jon: Hello, Danny Danny: Heard you're going to the U.S. Jon: That is correct Danny: And I'M coming with you~ Jon: You CANNOT come with me, Danny. It could be very dangerous and I don't want you to get hurt. (smaller text) or for your brother to kill me (normal text) And besides, the plane tickets and lodging have been booked already Danny, holding up a finger: Firstly, going with a buddy is much safer, and I don't want YOU to get hurt (smaller text) you've been kidnapped twice already Jon, glaring: mmgh Danny: (normal text) And secondly.... (Danny grins) hee hee Jon, anxious: Wh- Danny what have you done? Danny, close up and drawn with more detail and a shadow over his eyes: HEE HEE Jon, offscreen, fearful: DANNY

They are now drawn in less detail and merely headshots.

Danny, holding a hand to his chin, smug: I got my own tickets. And lodging. With you. Sasha helped me find the plane you'd be on and which hotel, so we can stay together for the WHOLE TRIP Jon, one tear falling from his eye, accepting death: (small text) even if I get back in one piece Tim is still going to murder me

end ID]

~~~~

so yeah it'll be Roughly just the same as canon only danny is also there. i want there to be Some difference but idk what it'd be. maybe danny will get jon to burn the whole book of the trapped dead to free everyone in there and then that'll be a whole thing but idk

(also i KNOW that's not how jon's lil world tour happened in canon but idc funny sillies etc)

#fg's art #the magnus archives #tma #jonathan sims #danny stoker #stoker swap au #fg's answers #asks #not me forgetting danny's brow cut in the Only Other Panel It'd Be Visible In #i definitely didn't Need to do a comic to answer this. but my god did i want to #i missed drawing them <3 #i know i said i was gonna post this either yesterday or Next Week but im impatient and i need everyone to look at them

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inkskinned · 1 year

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this is sort of pathetic, but when you were younger, you were sort of puzzled by the cartoon representations of fathers: how a kid would be outside with a mitt, waiting to play catch.

it's not that your father never played catch with you, but you also didn't like when he did. something about a hard ball coming quickly towards your face doesn't seem exciting. not that you'd ever say you don't trust him. you trust him, right?

it's not like he never tried to teach you anything. or never tried to parent. on rare days, a strange person would walk in your father's skin. bright, happy, magnificent. this version of your father was so cheerful and charismatic that you would do anything to keep him. and this is the version of your father that would laugh and gently coax you try again. this is the version of your father that would break down the small elements of a problem and point them out so you have an easier time with them.

as a kid, those days happened more often. but somewhere around 11, you started being too much of a person, and he was often cross about it. when he'd try to sit you down to learn something, you spent the whole time with your shoulders around your ears, nervous, uncertain. terrified because you didn't immediately understand how to navigate something. worried you will run out of his goodwill and then you will have the Other Father back, and you will have ruined a good day for your entire family. something about you being visibly afraid - it just made him angry. he would accuse you of not wanting to learn and storm away.

on tv, it's not like there's a lot of versions of men-who-are-mostly-fathers. they can be good dads, but usually their stories are not told in the household. so it's normal that your father is there, but he's never around. you know he was in the house, somewhere, it's just not that you guys ever... "hung out". he just seemed to get kind of bored of you, annoyed you weren't made in his perfect image. frustrated with how much energy it took to raise a kid. over time, you kind of adopt a bittersweet band around your throat - he knows nothing about me. he says at least i never abandoned my family.

and it's technically - technically - true. he was there for you. sometimes he even made an effort and made it to the big moments; the graduations and the dance recitals. he grins and tells everyone that he taught you. it almost erases the days in between, where he complains because you need a ride to school. the weeks that go by where he doesn't actually ever speak to you. the times you say i am struggling and he says figure it out on your own. i can't help you.

and that's fine! that's all fine. you can call him if you are having a problem with your car. or if you need a ride to the hospital. he loves playing hero, he just doesn't like the actual work that comes with being a father. and you've kind of made your peace with that; because you had to, because you don't want to live your life like he does; the whole world at a managed distance, a little rotating and controlled orb he can witness and take credit for but never truly love.

as an adult, you are rewatching some dumb cartoon - and again, the child standing in the rain, with a mitt, waiting for their father to come play catch. as an adult, there's this strange creeping dread - this little thing? this little thing, and their dad can't even show up for that? oh god, holyshit, it's not about the mitt, is it. oh god, holyshit, your father spent most of your life leaving you hanging.

#spilled ink #writeblr #:) lol . anybody notice how i write about dads in second person exclusively #me: haha silly cartoon #also me: ): this child is not getting what they need #also btw this is about a father but it might apply to any parent or caregiver #there's a really weird space of like #''this person was technically around me but either ignored me or was actively harmful to me''#and like u learn this very strange ritual of like... this person is my parent/caregiver on a technicality #that you almost spend all ur time with them like... tiptoeing and acting as THEIR parent so u don't upset them.#like you're 17 and ur mom is suddenly hit by a wave of wanting to talk to you so she's like :) lets make breakfast together :) and ur like #uhhhhhh okay?? bc you feel like this is absolutely going to go wrong and is why u usually make breakfast alone #and she starts being like: THIS is called a TEASPOON ... & u know all this stuff but you also know to just be very quiet #bc if you say like ''mom ive been making this breakfast every day since i was 13'' she would FREAK OUT and be like #DONT ACT LIKE I NEVER DO ANYTHING FOR YOU DONT ACT LIKE I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU. FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL .#so u have to smile like ur a preschool teacher and be like. OH COOL! i didn't know A CUP existed! tell me MORE! :)

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gunsatthaphan · 8 months

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but anyway let's talk about my favorite part of the ep (and maybe the whole series) real quick because the way Ray acknowledges that Sand never stopped caring for him? he knows how much he hurt him and that he can't help it, he acknowledges that being with him takes patience, that he needs help and him saying and yet you're still here while Sand is not actually sitting across from him to witness his biggest turning point and to hear all the things he deserves to hear breaks me so much but like in the best way because man what a scene. jfc.

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dayurno · 5 months

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something so cunty and delicious about both kayleigh and kevin having their lives depend on the whims of obsessive men. how close they both were to tetsuji/riko and how, ultimately, their lives were thrown away once they no longer served the family’s purpose (and how both their absences were greatly noticed and mourned by the men who hurt them). both lifetimes of wanting to play exy and travel the world, and not a single drop of control for their fate shared between mother and son. tragedy of all tragedies

#i cant think too much about how kevin is just like his mother because i lose my mind #“riko's death means no one will ever understand what being kevin is like” wrong. kayleigh's death means that #they were birds of a featherrrrr to me. they were clingy and codependent and perfect #she was never motherly but it didn't matter bc she was kevin's best friend and confidant #because she loved him and respected him and always talked to him like he was a person #and not just an extension of herself #because she raised him to be smart and loud-mouthed and curious #you can pry this from my cold dead hands but i really think kayleigh never baby talked kevin #never condescended to him either #she always considered his opinions and she loved him greatly and i need to douse tetsuji moriyama in lighter fluid #kayleigh was larger than life #txt #kayleigh #kevin #I NEED A DAY FAMILY TAG #day family

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