#but now im like. do i really want to do four years of art school lmao | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

existencebringsonlypain · 4 months

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1-70 skip all needed if they make you uncomfy

*deep inhale*

LONG POST INCOMING!

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

yeah! they're lovely people

02: Who did you last say I love you" to?

probably my mom

03: Do you regret anything?

I regret many things. can I think of any right now? no

04: Are you insecure?

not really, generally

05: What is your relationship status?

single, but also a minor and aroace so it's not sad or anything

06: How do you want to die?

preferably suddenly without prior notice. that way I couldn't have regrets

07: What did you last eat?

a werthers caramel

08: Played any sports?

nope

09: Do you bite your nails?

not bite with my teeth, but I pick at them often

10: When was your last physical fight?

.....I cannot remember if I ever have fought anyone physically. don't think I have

11: Do you like someone?

I like a lot of people. romantically? no

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

yea. completely accidentally at first, but at one point i thought "ha, I've come this far, I'm just gonna hold out" and then I did

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

hate is a strong word. that said, I suppose I might hate jack, cody, juan, and phoenix from school

14: Do you miss someone?

uhhhhh not really

15: Have any pets?

four cats and two dogs. three out of four cats are rescues

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

throat hurts but overall feel the same as ever. which is to say, not much.

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

no. do people do that???

18: Are you scared of spiders?

not really, unless they're actively on me. theyre fuzzy and adorable

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

....no. I don't want to forget to do something and regret it for the rest of eternity

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

im aroace

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

take care of neighbors cat and otherwise sleep

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

no. might at some point tho, but adopted, and only if they're older. only one.

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

ears pierced, nothing else. only one

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

art, english, math

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

no. mostly because I've forgotten them. cue existential fear of forgetting childhood friends etc etc

26: What are you craving right now?

anything cold

27: Have you ever broken someone's heart?

not to my knowledge

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

never dated

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

nope

30: What's irritating you right now?

physical symptoms. am sick

31: Does somebody love you?

romantically? not to my knowledge. platonically? hopefully lol

32: What is your favourite color?

lavender. it took maybe four fifths of my life to figure that one out

33: Do you have trust issues?

if trusting too much counts, yeah

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

don't remember

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

probably random school people. I have issues with breaking down at school. usually can suppress it tho

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

no, don't think so. if you break my trust I won't give it back easily

37: ls it easier to forgive or forget?

forget. don't mind how it's pretty much never optional for me

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

nOPE

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

older than I am now

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

outside of my house? absolutely not

51: Favourite food?

actually do not know. crunchwraps from taco bell are very good. chow mein from panda express is VERY good. canned corned beef hash is great. that indian dish with the flatbread you dip in the spinach is v good.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

nope lol. some shit just happens

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

uhhhhh don't remember. probably listened to a YouTube video

54: Is cheating ever okay?

look man i'm aroace and barely even understand what attraction is. i'm not the guy to ask about this

55: Are you mean?

not intentionally

56: How many people have you fist fought?

a whopping 0, here's hoping it stays that way

57: Do you believe in true love?

nah. it's all a spectrum. how long love lasts may be longer than your lifetime, but I don't think it's infinite. then again never been in love so

58: Favourite weather?

thunderstorm. the dark kind

59: Do you like the snow?

literally never seen it irl

60: Do you wanna get married?

nope. unless it's for tax benefits

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

no that is so gross imo. you are calling me an infant. but again aroace

62: What makes you happy?

no clue, it varies and isn't guaranteed

63: Would you change your name?

eh. maybe. it'd take some time to get used to, maybe wouldn't want to put in the effort

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

I'd kiss fluffy the cat as many times as it took for her to understand its an affection thing

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

panic

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

yea. Ben D. he's great

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

my brother probably

68: Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?

depends what you call deep. if this counts than whoever's reading this

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

isn't this a repeat? either way no, not exclusive to individual people anyway

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

prolly most of my friends and my parents

#theeeeeere we go. every single question #didnt take as long as expected #also didn't go as deep as expected. tho prob would be different if i was literally ever in love or even capable of that #existenceunrelateds #ask #asks #ask game

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everythingsinred · 8 months

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I spent a whole day reading your Natsume analysis and am so excited to read Mikan's version. I wanted to ask about your thoughts on what Natsume was doing during the four years he was apart from Mikan. In Kageki, we learn that he took a lot of missions to get credit. But what do you think his mental state was like? Do you have any fic recs? I love making myself sad from Natsumikan angst.

hi! im so happy you read the natsume analysis! it makes me happy to hear people enjoyed it! i just recently made a table of contents for my essays and general ga postings so if you need help navigating the mikan essays, check out my pinned post <3

to answer your questions about what natsume was up to while mikan was gone, im pretty sure in kageki narumi mentioned that natsume had some negative behavior and attitude, but the extent of that is left vague. allegedly the missions he went on after she left were not alice-heavy or life-threatening but we know that one of those missions was to be toma's bodyguard and... bodyguarding tends to be dangerous? thats in the job description, pretty much literally. im not entirely sure how he was expected to bodyguard WITHOUT using his alice, but thats what they imply. did he take martial arts? did he carry a gun? who knows really. either way he should not have been permitted to continue doing any missions.

just in general, i think he was pretty depressed without mikan around. i mean natsume was in a HORRIBLE suicidal depression for two years before he met her and falling in love with her happened because she saw value in his life that he hadnt seen before. while she was there, he had developed a sense of purpose in his life and a will to live he hadnt had. it was bc of her that he started bonding with class b. now that shes gone, im sure hes very upset especially because its not certain he'll ever be allowed to see her again, granted he even lives that long.

but as much as i see him being depressed and a little miserable, he still has friends and a strong support system at the academy now. he has his best friend, plus the kids he allowed himself to befriend while mikan was around. theres pictures in the memorial book that depict middle-school aged natsume hanging out with The Boiz, and there's photographs in kageki that imply he wasnt completely isolating himself from his classmates during mikan's absence.

so with that in mind, i think he's depressed and sad about mikan being gone for sure, but he still has a will to live, a support system, and a sense of purpose (seeing mikan again) so that he isnt ENTIRELY devastated during those few years.

we can see when he reunites with her that he kinda expected her to remember him as soon as she saw him, and that gives us insight into how exactly he processed her stolen memories. (smth like, "she doesnt remember anything. so even if i did see her id probably have to make her fall in love w me again and im not even sure how i did it the first time! but she did love me right? i mean if she really loved me, she'd remember me eventually. i cant imagine forgetting her so im sure since she loved me that she'll remember as soon as she sees me!" and then he holds onto that thought so tightly that he ends up shocked that she doesnt remember). those thoughts probably kept him afloat too.

i really have mixed feelings about mikan leaving the academy in the first place though. i just dont think that plot point was executed very well so i never really got very into it.

as for fanfic recs, i cant think of many off the top of my head that have much to do with that time period of natsume on his own, but there is this one, (paths that lead home by MCaroba) which is about natsume going on a road trip with his friends!

as for angsty fics that are NOT related to that specific time period, here are some:

Ten Years to Date by November Romeo (the kids are assigned to write about their futures and natsume refuses. canon!verse one shot) (ps lots of her canon fics are in the same universe and theres a deal of angst involved there too, though her canon!verse fics take place in an alternate future of the kids in high school. i do recommend reading pretty much everything she's written for ga)

Tired by FearandLoathingXIX (hurt/comfort related to natsume's sickness. canon!verse one shot)

My Happy Ending by Little Miss Giggle (au where the kids go to a music school.... it starts off silly and fun but it gets pretty damn angsty. multichapter and one of the better known fics in the fandom)

Steal (my breath away) by Rock-n-Round (au one shot where alices exist but they're a bit weird and hard to explain. this one is EVISCERATING. and very beautiful)

Before You Hit the Ground by Ducky-san (au multi-chapter fic where mikan runs away from an abusive home and meets natsume who is in a gang against his will. i actually LOVE this fic so much... but it does contain some triggering material, like discussions of child abuse and implied sexual abuse.)

Right Before Your Eyes by pressuredtreasure (au... i don't think i can say much about this without spoiling it, but it's basically mikan missing natsume)

Oh Hello World also writes a lot of one shots, some of which are pretty angsty.

i'm really sad.... i was gonna link some other fics but i couldn't find them or remember their names and i'm scared they've been taken down. ah the pain of being in an old, less active fandom...

i also write fics too! ive only written aus so far (incidentally, not on purpose), but the angstiest is probably all things rancid and delicate, which is about mikan in a cult (it has a lot of dark elements to it)

im sorry if youre not much an au person, but i havent read much new ga ffn recently and not many good ones have survived the test of time it seems. it's all very sad. i miss reading fanfic all the time AND having lowered standards for gaffn specifically...

i hope i've answered your questions! if you have any other questions feel free to shoot me another ask! i love talking abt ga <3

#sorry i took a while to reply. i wanted to take some time to gather fics but i ended up falling short anyway!#answered #kitwatson #gakuen alice #ga #fic recs #im sure i have more ga recs but i focused on angst... idk. it was an attempt for sure

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angelo-the-doctor-of-feelings · 8 months

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hi mikey! do you have any new art out recently? how are you doing? hows the family?

i have ADHD too btw :)

ive been feeling a bit bummed out recently lately, mental health wise, so my first thought was coming and talking to you! you dont have to worry about typing out a whole entire response, but your energy just brightens up my day instantly!

ive been struggling a lot with making friends recently. i just started my sophomore year of high school and im at a new school (same students though) and its just been really scary. i have two really good friends that ive been friends with for four years now, but i really want more friends too, y'know? im really awkward and shy and its really really hard for me to talk to people i want to be friends with. i do know other people i get along with, but they arent the kinda people i would actually hang out with, more just talk to sometimes if that makes sense?? its getting to a point where im overly concerned about people liking me. theres this group of people at my school i REALLY want to be friends with, cause theyre the kinda gay emo group that i would fit perfectly in as a gay emo... but that just makes it THIS MUCH MORE intimidating!! theyre so cool and i want them to see that! i just dont know how to talk to them without irritating them.

im just kinda clueless at this point, mike! i know that im a good and cool person once you get to know me but im so awkward around new people that it completely changes the way i act. i kinda stiffen up and talk weirdly formally and quietly and my usual confidence goes WAY down. im normally very outwardly confident (Leo kinnie heree✌) but i become just a bit less so around new people.

well i think im gonna wrap up my little ramble now, lmao. i wasnt planning on writing all this i was just thinking of a short paragraph😭

well again, have a great day mikey! you deserve it!!

Hiya,anon!!!

I haven't done ANY art besides just chaotic painting on canvas & spraying with @emerson-the-psycho , BUT I have done some nice cooking, which counts as art?

We're doing nicely, I mean, we're still very chaotic & there's trouble here & there... But it's been fun so far!

Also, yaaaay ADHD buddies!!! 🥳

I'm glad I am able to brighten your day 🥰🧡(maaan I need to spread more positivity - I see so many sweet posts & then I'm like 'oh yeah, I should reblog this' & then I don't do it because I thought I already did but I haven't & then the post is gone because I had moved on & the opportunity is gone then too -)

You are great as you are.

If you see people & think 'WOW, they match my energy', go to them. The right people will definitely match your vibe too & you'll click.

And it's super great if you voice your fears. 'Hey, you seem nice, I want to talk to you, but I'm a biiiit anxious, hehe, but you seem so cool & we might share the same interests-'. They WILL see that you truly mean it. And it will brighten their day, believe me. And if YOU are open with your fears, it'll be easier to let your true self show. 😌

I know that society wants people to 'show off', but I think for getting in touch with possible friends it's best to be completely honest. That's what people like. Or should like at least.

Also, ADHD VIBES ARE THE BEST.🥳🧡✨☀️

I'm rooooooting for yaaaaa!

🧡✨🧡✨🧡

#mikey supports #mikeys magic family #mikeys world of feelings #turtle net #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt roleplay #rottmnt fandom #comfort character #comfort #mental health support #friends

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daily-wof-designs · 2 years

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Daily WoF Designs - A Retrospective

Here we are! Three hundred thirty one designs, eleven months, and one very, very tired high schooler. I’m writing this at two am after finishing Freedom’s design and wow. Just. Wow.

In case you dont want to read all my sappy stuff and just want to know about the future of the blog- I WILL be posting new designs if any new characters are introduced in new books (the dragon guide, any future winglets, etc). I will also answer any asks. There just wont be any more designs for a while.

Onto the sappy stuff!

I got the idea of this while working on my Sirens animatic, because I thought to myself that a reference would be useful to have right about then. About a month later, I saw someone mention that one of those “drawing every warrior cats” blogs had finished (ive looked and cant find it anymore, but im sure I saw that post!). So, I got the idea in my head and wondered if this was a good idea because- really? four hundred designs? (in concept I was going to do the humans too. I decided against it partway through book 2)

So, who better to ask than my hashtag besties who I’ve known for years?

I immediately disregarded her, of course. But it’s the principle of the matter.

This was a project I started on the tail-end of quarantine, and it gave me something to do with myself once the school year started up and I went back to in person school for the first time since eighth grade. It was something to keep me grounded. I knew that if I had nothing to do, I could always knock out a few designs while listening to a video essay.

Even if theres some designs I’m not so proud of (looking at you, tsunami and deathbringer), I always enjoyed it. Trying to figure out how to make every character look interesting, how to go beyond “brown scales” or “black wings”. It helped me improve my character designing skills, that’s for sure. If I were to go back to some of my book one designs, I’d probably do things differently. But I know if I go back to redo book one, I’d end up redoing EVERY design. Best let sleeping dogs (or dragons!) lie.

Anyways, now that I’m here, I’d like to shout out followers (or just those who frequently interacted) that I noticed a lot. If I missed you, I’m very sorry- theres just SO many of you and I’d like to keep it short haha.

@neozoid You reblogged nearly every design! That’s just impressive dude.

@fugivitus-from-gerard You’ve been here since the start and I appreciate that.

@seawing-vibes As your name suggests, you always seem to enjoy my seawing designs. You were also one of the first blogs to actually reblog with compliments instead of just liking the post! It really inspired me to keep going

@belovedisaster You mostly reblogged my darkstalker art, but you always had something nice to say.

@lunathemeifwawitch You don’t really comment much in the tags, but you reblog everything very consistently and are usually the first to reblog the design of the day.

@mothpawbs Dude. I’m pretty sure you went from my main to this blog instead of the other way around, which is VERY unusual. Normally people find my main from here (then they unfollow my main in like, a week because I don’t wofpost daily like i do here LMAO). Anyways, you’re cool.

@nach0 I always notice you in the notes. Hi.

@lettuce-tv Hi bestie!!! I didn’t know you followed this blog but you were my first follower on here. Congrats? I think?

There’s more, of course- In fact, theres 373 of you! And I appreciate each and every note I get.

I just want to say that this project has meant so much to me, and I’m glad all of you appreciate it too. Thanks for coming along with my journey of drawing a years worth of dragons and supporting this silly little pet project of mine. (Also please join my map i desperately need more members lmao)

#not designs #housekeeping - self promo #housekeeping - celebrations

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ed-recovery-affirmations · 2 years

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im sorry if this is hard to answer but i was anorexic for nearly four years before... idk my life got good enough that i decided recovery was worth it. im in a really good place right now.

im a trans guy with unsupportive parents tho, and they decided to send me to an all girls private catholic school next year. i know a trans guy who goes there and he relapsed this year and its so toxic there thar he had to transfer out.

i know i cant handle this place, nor can i change my parents mind, so how do i minimize the damage next year? how do i get through this alive? what can i do to stay as healthy as possible while in relapse? i need to prepare to be as healthy as i can. and pls none of the bullshit like ’talk to a friend’ or ’just eat’ it. it does not help.

thanks so much, you dont have to reply if you dont want to, im just so fucking scared because i have 4 more months of being recovered at best and i dont want to go back.

Oh man. That is a really tough situation you're in. I'm so sorry to hear that your parents don't want to put you in a supportive environment.

Is there anything you can control about the situation? For example, does the school offer uniform pants? I know a lot of religious schools have traditionally only offered skirts for AFAB students, but a lot of them have been shifting to offering pants as a part of the uniform. Do you have any flexibility with shoe choice and hairstyle? You could also opt to size up with your shirt choice and to pair it with sports bras, which tend to minimize breast size if that is a dysphoria trigger for you. I know that consistent binding is not safe, but if you can get a proper binder, perhaps you can wear it safely during school hours to feel a little more in-control in that environment. Idk if it'd be worth it to risk punishment by cutting your own hair or adopting a gender-neutral nickname, but perhaps you could give yourself a pixie cut that looks neutral and feels less traditionally "girly" if you haven't already.

If you can't get the control of your outfit that you need, perhaps I could help find recommendations of social media accounts of men, both cis and trans, who wear skirts and/or do things that aren't traditionally "masculine." Just to help you keep affirming to yourself that clothes don't necessarily make a man a man, and if a man wears a skirt then it's a man's skirt. Consuming this content might help you feel less alone this school year.

This friend might be able to be a resource to you by warning you about what was hardest to handle about this school environment/what you can avoid vs. what you can seek out. If they have a theater department and you're allowed extracurriculars, I'd suggest you join that for the camaraderie. In my experience, a lot of closeted queer kids group together in theater.

I wasn't trans, but I was a neurodivergent kid who didn't quite "fit in" and I can say that I often took my lunch to the school library rather than trying to find cafeteria seating with people I didn't know well. You might find comfort in books like I did, or spend time writing for yourself. (You might want to destroy some of your writings as I did in order to avoid the repercussions of snooping parents, but even the act can be so, so therapeutic and self-affirming.) Outside of school, if you can manage to peruse/buy queer books and sneak them into school, you might have some good solidarity reads to get you through that environment. You could even just memorize your most affirming quotes and write them/draw art/print out pics of fave trans icons and decorate the insides of your binders and notebooks with them. Just find what affirms you and do it as much as you possibly can.

I think that finding trans-affirming activity you can do, even under the radar, will be key in maintaining both your mental health and your bodily self-esteem. That's one of the reasons I recommended taking your lunch to the library or to find another space that feels safe. It might be easier to eat, and to perform the mental self-care necessary for semi-healthy eating patterns, if you are in a safe space, even if that safe space has to be self-created. You could try internally repeating the following affirmations at school, especially before and during eating:

"The clothes I am wearing are a man's clothes, because I am a man and I'm wearing them."

"Toxic peoples' perception of me does not determine who I am. I know who I am and I know my worth."

"I will not be here forever. There have been so many queer icons who've been where I am and blossomed after. There is life after high school."

"It's not right that this time has been taken from me, but there will be better times in the future and I deserve them."

"Feeling bad doesn't mean I don't deserve to eat. Actualizing my negative body feelings will only make them worse. I deserve to feel good in my body."

"I can invest in my future. I will invest in my future."

This may be the subject of another post, but what is your relationship to religion? You may be just needing to get out entirely, which is valid, but you should also know that there are queer-affirming pastors and churches out there. If you are stuck in an environment where prayer and religious study is enforced and required, I might be able to recommend some sources that could give you covertly affirming prayers to focus on during that time. However, if you just need out of religion entirely, which some religion-traumatized people do, the above affirmations are religion-neutral and you could try to focus on those during prayer times.

It may feel affirming to focus on your future, OP. One of these days you will be out of school and will have control over yourself and financial freedom too. It might be worth looking into starting points in your area. Investing in your future may help you feel like there is something to keep fighting for, and like investing in your wellness has worth. It is self-affirming to invest in your future because you are sending the message to yourself that you are worthy of having a good future and that you are strong enough to fight for it.

Please feel free to follow up and be in touch for more support. I care about your well-being and I'm sure there are others out there who've been through things like this and can offer support. And while I'm not trans myself, I have other followers who are, and to other followers - I would love to get your input on things that can help this guy! Perhaps you can just be in touch with him and offer companionship and solidarity.

#ed recovery #healing #gender dysphoria #gender affirming #trans posi #long post

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traumabuddies · 10 months

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oversharing on the internet

thank you @buck2eddie and @rogerzsteven for tagging me!

ONE: Are you named after anyone?

not as far as i know

TWO: When was the last time you cried?

yesterday, partly because i was watching grey's and also because of some other personal stuff lmao

THREE: Do you have kids?

noooo, i'm the baby

FOUR: Do you use sarcasm a lot?

sometimes? def more irl than online/through text

FIVE: What sports have you played/do you play?

well i took swimming lessons when i was 6, then right after that i did ballet until i turned 13, then i did gymnastics but i had to stop after less than a year because i had back problems, then i did krav maga and boxing in college, and now i'm just going to the gym

SIX: What's the first thing you notice about people

hair for sure. obsessed with hair

SEVEN: What's your eye colour?

grey/blue!

EIGHT: Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings for sure, not a big fan of scary movies

NINE: Any special talents?

idk, i can draw/write/kinda paint? and dance is that a special talent

TEN: Where were you born?

i feel like some people still dont know so i'll keep it that way in case

ELEVEN: What are your hobbies?

rn uhhh painting, writing. tv shows because im boring like that. does getting tattoos count kdfgbjdf

TWELVE: Do you have any pets?

yes a cat<3

THIRTEEN: How tall are you?

164cm

FOURTEEN: Favourite subject in school?

it was english, french and arts. i also liked history cause i liked knowing Facts even though i sucked at remembering them and didn't really get good grades lol

FIFTEEN: Dream job

next. or not

uhhhhhh i dont remember who has done this but, gonna tag @buckleyseddie @transbuck @pxrxmoore @oliverstaark and whoever wants to do it!<3

#tagged #fun questions!#lex says things

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pansyfemme · 1 year

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if u don’t mind me asking, for how long you’ve been an artist? like do you draw since u were a kid? cause i see your art (which is incredible btw) and i wonder how long does it take to develop your own art style yk? your art is full of detail and character and i immediately recognize it’s yours

i’m 18 now and i love to draw but don’t have much time to do it, it’s not something i can fully focus on (thanks to capitalism aha) and i’m afraid i’m too old to try and start making my own art and develop my own characteristics/style/process :/

sorry if this ask is too much or too confusing but i truly love seeing ur art on my dash and i thought maybe u can give some advice?

Ok this is gonna be a bit of a length answer, im sorry in advance! but first off- thank you sososo much it really means a lot!! i rlly appricate ur kind words!

but to answer your inital question- i was raised in a very art positive household. My mother's a very skilled landscape watercolorist who studied art in college (though doesnt work as an artist) , and my father is a music/theatre critic, so i grew up going to lots of art shows and gallery opening and art stuff in general, and my parents were always very supportive of any art ive ever done. My brother is an artist too, mostly an oil painter these days, but he started drawing out the womb basically, massivly talented since he was very small. I was super jealous as a kid, but didn't decide i wanted to try being an artist until i was around 10 or so- when it kind of took over for my life for a while. My first few years of art were wildly productive, i was drawing every second of every day. I was going thru a really tough time emotionally and was horribly bullied at school, so it was a big comfort to me at the time. however, at around age 12, where my mental health became incredibly bad, i stopped nearly altogether for a while, never quite getting back to it until a year or so later. It took me a while to get my love for it back, but i did, and it became what it was for me again, i've been keeping a daily drawing practice for nearly four years now, since then. It's really not linear, though.

Finding a good growth pattern is a combonation of things. my art improves much faster when i take time to do the things that feel more like chores or stress my brain out- studies and life drawings and attempting to understand space, but those activities can make me lose motivation. the trick is to balance "work" art with "pleasure" art, to be able to retain the joy in creating while also activly learning new skills. Art can be a really stressful hobby to have, it's very easy to burn out or to get stuck in patterns of creation that dont progress you as much as you hope. Back in the day, i used to fucking hate drawing backgrounds, they made me horribly angry and frustated to draw, so i ignored them. Little did i know, i was setting myself up for a much more frustrating time when i wanted to draw backgrounds later on. I think that's what's difficult about learning a skill, especially when it's one where so much of it is self-taught. It's genuinly hard to understand which areas to start with and where to work more on. I don't personally think theres a certain skill level required for a given idea, getting an idea out 'badly' is better than waiting till you improve and forgetting it. It's just that artists tend to be heavily self critical, and so sometimes when something turns out 'badly' it's hard to resist the urge to just tear it up as soon as possible.

as for age, there is no age limit to this. there is no age that it's better to start- beginner artists come from all different places. It's fantastic you want to try this at all! it's something that brings me so much joy, and i am elated when others want to try it out! I have met artists who have started from so many different points in their lives- there is no corrolation between age and art skill, it's heavily dependant from artist to artist. as for developing an art style, it's something that comes with time spent, and i know that sucks to hear bc it did when i was starting out and thought i'd never find a style, but a style is simply one part of a vast range of creation- you do not have to settle down anytime soon. A consistant style in fact, is not very relevant outside of particular contexts. You see it a lot in illustration, where an artist is often chosen for a job based on a style, but when it comes to other fields of art, versitility and being able to stay away from things looking consistant is a huge skill! it's heavily dependant.

I really wish you luck- i know its hard to start out! it was extremly frustrating for me, but it's something that's brought me a lot of joy over the years- and i hope it does something similar for you.

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ohcitron · 2 years

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i have a yuri (?) manga suggestion that i dont actively recommend, but i want to put this down somewhere partially to gather my thoughts and suggest an experience you may or may not regret if you feel like reading what i describe here. if you've already read these let's talk..hi..

i am 'recommending' reliance, a spin off of 14-sai no koi. it's being scanlated and you can read it on mangadex.

im going to offer you four options, in order of amount of commitment. the third and fourth options will be under the cut due to discussion of adult women and middle school boys in romantic relationships, which the original manga (14-sai no koi) depicts extensively. the first two options won't talk about this at all bc its irrelevant. yay!

1. you can read reliance as a stand alone manga, though you may have some unanswered questions. they are not extremely important details there will just be some ambiguity and stuff that might seem out of place. the art and paneling are beautiful and i love when yuri depicts ugly emotions hehe. its about two classmates in middle school and mc working through her mixed emotions towards her classmate. its short (5 chapters as of today though im unsure how long it will be in totality). i like it quite a lot so far, and thats why im writing this post despite all the caveats. i am not sure if it is already over or not. right now there is enough of it that it will feel satisfactory to read regardless

2. you can read reliance as a stand alone and i can give you the minor details that are not in option 1. if you dont care for these details or want to come back to this after the fact, you should stop reading this post here. okay so the girl that shiki is talking to in the hall in chapter 1 (tanaka), is one of the mc's of 14-sai no koi and shiki has an unrequited crush on her. shiki appears to be close to and try to engage with the nurse because they are in similar circumstances where they are in unrequited love with their female friends who are in requited romantic relationships with guys

ok just as another warning, under the cut are the other two options but will be mentioning stuff about age gap romance. you can ignore this completely if you'd like to do options 1 or 2. bye if you are stopping here!

3. this is the same thing as option 2 except just to elaborate on the nurse's unrequited love, she is in love with her friend who is a music teacher at the same school who is in love with one of her students. this student is also in the general friend group of shiki and tanaka. thats all. tbh this is completely unnecessary i just felt unsatisfied not clarifying this. to cover all my bases, tanaka is dating someone her age. thank goodness..

4. you can read 14-sai no koi and then reliance. the benefits of this are that you can experience a lot more of shiki and why she is the way she is in reliance which i will not spoil because i really love her chapters sooo much.. i will summarize that she deals with lot of middle school lesbian rage, quiet girl anger and fury, and the general pain of being absolutely fucking alone in the closet. her attachment to the nurse, despite being parallels of each other, is strange. i love her lots though.. my girl thing... ok. to get into the major cons of this route: many of the romantic subplots of this manga revolve around adult working woman x middle school boy pairings. one of them is teacher x student. there is also a subplot about a 14 boy dating a 11 year old girl. though not explicitly stated, i feel as if the author is equating the stigma/tabooness of age gap relationships with gay relationships. as if this wasn't strange enough all of the age gap relationships are requited/endgame/positively depicted while the lesbians' emotions remaining secret and unrequited

to summarize, the pros are beautiful art, intense closeted lesbian focus, lots of charming content of kids being friends! the cons: equating age gap romance to gay love, requited and positive depictions of adult and child age gap relationships, lesbians stay sad and pathetically secretly pining

despite all this if you do want to read 14-sai no koi before reliance, please find a summary of it and read it first lol because i did not describe the main couple the manga is about at all. Lol

shrugs. this is just kind of a personal retrospective i felt like writing. if you want to go through the same thing you can too. thumbs up... thanks for reading.. talk to me if you do any of this.. i'll share some shiki images below.. bye..

#ange.txt #long post #Sorry. felt like talking today..

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ex-textura · 1 year

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Hiya, Sebastian! ♥ I'm just passing by to say I really admire your art and your talent, and one day I hope to have enough money to share with you and support your beautiful work. :( ♥ I'd like to know a little bit about how you first came into contact with drawing and if you have any cheap/free tools and tutorials you'd recommend to someone who wants to start taking drawing more seriously (and knows 0% about it lmao), if you don't mind. Much love always! - tiefling enthusiast anon

Anon!! I’m so sorry it took me so long to get to this! This is such a kind ask omg thank you 🥺🥺

Don’t ever worry about not being able to buy anything from me, your kind words are honestly enough (and I know what it’s like not to be able to afford to support artists. It’s hard but I promise you messages like this mean so, so much more than money. I’m giddy rn lol)

As for getting into art, tbh I started drawing very young. I used to draw Pokémon and digimon on my desk in elementary school, and then going into junior high I started to branch out a little more though I stopped around high school and didn’t pick up drawing again until more than 10 years later lol….but it’s always been something I loved to do, and coming back to it has really filled a hole in my life I didn’t realize was there for a long time.

For a lot of my early drawings, it was just printer paper and ballpoint pens or plain old pencils until I got my first graphics tablet years later. So if you’re just starting out you don’t really need anything but the will to draw and something to scribble on. If you’re looking to start with digital art though there’s a couple of routes you can take. If you have access to an iPad, or can get one cheap (think used, past model… you don’t need much) there are a number of apps you can get such as ibis paint (which I think may be free or have a free version though I don’t use it myself) or procreate (it’s what I use on my iPad, but it has a one-time fee of I believe $13.99CAD). Or, if you have a computer I got started on a simple graphics tablet and you can get them for fairly cheap these days used (mine was like $80CAD) and I used a free version of Paint Tool SAI which works great.

Still though, if you’re okay not starting with digital art I would recommend just getting a small sketch book for under $10, a mechanical pencil and a gum eraser (those brownish ones). That’s all you really need to get started.

As for tutorials, I mostly watch YouTubers for art advice. I’d recommend Sam Does Arts, Drawfee, and Sinix Design

Sam does a lot of “rating art advice” videos, critiquing his followers pieces, and some goofy things but he has a lot of great tips and he explains things in a very easy to understand way. He also calls out his own flaws easily and teaches you to learn from his own mistakes which I find very encouraging.

Drawfee is four artists with different styles that mostly do art challenges among themselves but they also host art classes for their patrons and those videos get posted to their channel for the general public so you can still follow along for free. I like that they have different styles and different methods, and when they post their speed draws they talk through their process which is very informative.

Sinix is an incredible artist and while some of his videos are definitely more advanced he has beginner videos too that teach the very basics and I still spend a lot of time watching those ones to really drill them into my brain. He’s more informative than entertaining like the other two are, but his stuff is so good.

Other than YouTube videos, I also spend a lot of time on Line of Action which is a great site for practicing form and anatomy.

I’d also recommend the morpho drawing books if you can find a free pdf online (there are definitely sources for them I just can’t seem to find any right now…).

Im sorry this got so long winded xD I don’t even know if it makes any sense anymore lol. But basically…. Get yourself some paper and a mechanical pencil, a decent eraser and start with the basics. There are so many free resources online to get you there. After that… just get yourself a blorbo that you’re just so obsessed with and draw them over and over again until you can do it from memory. Then keep drawing them some more. It takes time and persistence and you might even feel frustrated when you start out, but remember that everyone starts somewhere and even the greatest artists are still learning.

And, please if you do start drawing feel free to share your art with me! I’d love to see it, and hopefully we can grow together ❤️❤️

#thank you for this ask anon #I really hope I was able to help even a little bit #drawing can be so frustrating but mostly it’s liberating #and I would love to share that with you #anon ask #advice

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raccoon0001 · 5 months

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November 20th, Monday 20:38

So, first of all, hello, Im Raccoon, well at least i would like to be one. Im 17 years old and i frequently write down my thoughts when i feel sad or angry in a pink notebook by my bed, for the past four maybe three years.

And lately i have been thinking of just trying to write down my thoughts everyday, about how i feel, to know what i am even feeling, and that I'm not just overwhelmed and impulsive at the moment. So i don't ruin my next week or day by obsessing over that one boy that smiled that one time at me or was funny. Because in reality he doesn't like me and i need to step down and realise that, but maybe he does and everything is not a big fat lie, but it is. At least for me, mostly. Everything, almost, everything is fine in my life, except for being kinda fat and not having a real, single boyfriend in my 17 years of living. I know that is not that much and what i am even worrying about, because i have the whole life ahead of me(i dont see myself living past 20). Well could kind of imagine it, but because of one thing and another i always thought i would not live past 18, but now i am 17 so its quite possible i will live past 18, dont really know what will happen afterwards.

Its kind of a dilemma i know to love someone u need to first love yourself and shit, but i really hate myself most of the time, i hate how i look, i hate how lazy i am, i hate stressful i am, i hate how sick i am...yada yada yada. I know there are physical things i am able to fix, but how do i know i just wont regress? Even now im imagining how this blog or whatever this is, is gonna get popular, and be turned into inspiration for poems or people, but after all this text is just my personal feelings, about myself, for myself, that dont really make sense sometimes, because my native language is not english lol and im typing in a hurry and then gonna prob put a pretty background or something and post it if i get the courage, well its a very big probability nobody is going to read this ever, bcs lets honest who reads blogs these days..

always the artist never the muse" i have been very attached to this quote(dont know who is the author) i even begun last year attending professional art school, so i will probably never be the muse even how much i want to be one. Its almost the same with taking pictures, im always taking pictures of others and there are almost never anyone taking picture of me without asking. Well i dont really like people specially taking pictures of me, because of how ugly i look, but still, i dont know. Theres this one friend who takes pictures of me, because that of other things that that person does makes me think im gay or that she likes me, because shes gay. I think im not gay. Like i would prefer a guy fucking my brains out not a girl, but i could never imagine anyone fucking me, mby i can.. hmm not rly, maybe because i have never been fucked, or my imagination is kinda weak. Well i am in art school so i thought it should be good, but lately, well after that thing in 2018 april, I think i have been in this one giant art block. Maybe i need to go to a therapist, to sort things out, not really sure.

I wish sometimes i was a boy. And i think i stink right now, fully emotionally and physically. Whats up with that.

I must have too many dreams and too little motivation.

I dont think i should have continued art, its too much, im not even good at painting, if i actually started practicing more maybe i would, but i think im still worse than most of my peers. And in this school there are mostly girls here and i know almost nobody outside the school and town bcs i didnt even live here two years ago, the ppl who have lived here their whole childhood dont even know where to turn to get a shortcut!

My goal this evening was to paint something, but somehow i started writing a blog..

I think i should have been better of dying that day in 2018. Im not good of a person and i dont really know if ill ever change. What does actually happen after death? Has anyone thought of that? I kind of think after you die its just all pitch black and then u suddenly open your eyes and there you are as your first memory u can think of at 10 years old or whatever, like 'snap' and there you are, but dont know who you were or who you will be. I kind of want to get into biology, but idk if a have the commitment for it.

Two days ago when i was a home visiting my family, after sauna, I was sitting by the table with some other cousins at my grandmas house and one of the older cousins, who was kinda drunk btw, asked me if i had a boyfriend, i thinking already of crying and just jumping down a building calmly said: "no, do i need one?". i want one.

I think my mom is homophobic, but. i also think that im not gay, but i will probably never get a bf, because ppl these days are very obsessed by how other ppl look from the outside mostly or i just dont know a lot of ppl and real life is not like the movies or manga that i read in my free time, that i should stop reading, maybe that would solve everything.

Also by wishing that i was a male, because it really seems to be bit easier to be a boy, how the world looks at you, and how theres a lot more chance of no rejection. Maybe im just living in my small minded world and have not that many ppl with different opinions on life that would make me understand that the world works differently. A lot of ppl around me also believe we are born to fulfil our one mission here on earth, i still dont see mine here, like ppl would be fine if i went and died and go on with they're life normally, because im just this one little spec of dust besides other 7 billion dust pieces, that separately are a nobody. Maybe my family would be devastated, but prob would be prepared for this kind of event about me and i think it would be much easier for my mum if i died, she worries too much about me.

Im just lonely.

A selfish bitch.

#my thougts #will anyone see this

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blenderscaty · 1 year

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CELEBRATING LITTLE SUCCESSES

Who am I?

Im R-jay S Requierme the son of Anna may and Renato and the third of the four siblings. I'm 16 years old, born on April 29,2006 in Bohol, Philippines, but now I live in District 8,Cuyapo, Nueva Ecija and am studying in Saint Pius X Institute of Cupayo as a Grade 11 student. I'm not good in academic, but I have a fine grades because I always strive hard to get a hight grades which is true but not in all subjects. I would describe myself as clingy like a cat and a person who can be your shoulder to cry. I can also describe myself as a grassland, simple and natural like me. Besides that natural is good for eyes too. Grassland also can be explained as freedom. I like to be free and don't be manipulated by anything. I like playing Sepak Takraw because when I was in elementary, Sepak was one of my favourite sports and also I love playing mobile games and watching anime because it makes myself comfortable. I also love arts and drawing anime characters because it makes me proud of myself seeing that I can draw beautiful art even though I don't have originality in it. I've also joined the Knights Of the Altar (KOA) because I want to serve God and I want to be faithful to him. I need his guidance in everything I'll do, to avoid mistakes that can make myself regret it in the end. I can't really identify my whole self on who really am I because there is so many things that I need to discover in myself. For now, I'm just a student, doing well and willing to be successful.

How are you?

Answering a question like this seriously is difficult. Some things in life we take for granted. Most of the time it's not intentional. So many things in our lives can be lost in a matter of time. A lot of things happen to us in our lives that it's hard to see the things changing right in front of our eyes. Family is something that I hold very close to my heart and my biggest fear is losing someone I know and love. Unfortunately, I had to deal with that fear my sophomore year of high school (Grade 10) when my great grandma passed away. Family had a big influence on how am I today, they are the source of my energy, my number 1 inspiration, and good thoughts Ben my guiding principles in life. My weakness is English, to be truth, I hate English because it's for me specifically in speaking because I'm a Bisaya so my pronunciation sometimes is different. My strengths are being with someone that I know they won't let me get behind and that's my friends. They are my strength, especially in school. They help me to improve myself. Because of that weakness and strength, I realise that there is people who are willing to help me, so all I need to do is to help myself to overcome my weakness. Now I'm trying to be good at English,I'm playing games that will help me to improve my English vocabulary.

From deep within, there's a voice

Walk this way, a daily choice

On one's own it can't be done

Look to light the battle's won

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matchupsblog · 1 year

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Hello lovely! I was wondering if I could maybe hopefully get a Dirty Dancing, Star Wars and Game of thrones matchup? I’m 20 and use she/her pronouns. I’m bi so any gender is fine. For personality I’m creative, introverted, and individualistic. Though I’m introverted, around my friends/when I’m comfortable I can be quite talkative and humorous. However, I definitely treasure my alone time the most. Im a very big homebody and can be very hermit introvert sometimes. As for bad traits, I am sometimes the worst pessimist when it comes to myself. I’ll be fine motivating others but then when it comes to me I live by the “be ready for the worst and you wont be disappointed” As for hobbies escaping to new worlds while reading books/comics, watching movies, and playing rpg video games. My favorite genres are fantasy and sci-fi, though I do love a good classic from time to time. Apart from that, I love working out. My interests on the other hand are art focused. I’m currently in art school working with mostly digital mediums, though I sometimes work with traditional. I love my practice and everything including, game, web and interaction design, video art and visual effects, 3D modeling and character design, and digital illustration. Sometimes I whip out graphite and ink.

A list of random likes: coffee, chai tea, dark chocolate, rock/blues/jazz/80s pop/soundtrack music, statement jewelry and accessories, cafe art shows, arcades, comic book stores, purple, thai/Indian/Chinese food, roller blading to classic rock, quality alone time.

A random list of dislikes: people i am unfamiliar (I have trust issues oops) with and have to make small talk with, the biting cold, rain, non fiction, staying too close to reality and not being allowed to daydream/imagine/roam freely in my thoughts, physical touch, overly crowded areas. I think that’s it thank you!

Hi! Sorry this took so long but here it is now.

For Dirty Dancing, I ship you with...

Johnny Castle

Johnny would love your creativity and encourage you to pursuit your interests, regardless of financial and other issues.

You had known eachother since childhood. One of your favourite memories was sitting on some wall with Penny near where you all lived and pretending to bet on whether Billy or Johnny would win some fight they were having for some stupid reason you could not remember.

You had grown up together, never being apart for long. Penny had a vague memory of Billy making a joke when you were all in your early teenage years. He had claimed that you and Johnny had a magnetic force pulling you together, and that it was virtually impossible to sepparate you.

All four of you had started working at the hotel at the same time. Johnny and Penny being the first to get jobs, then they later managed to reccomend you and Billy for vacant jobs in the staff. Apart from the pay and shitty treatment from the more fortunate staff, the four of you working together almost felt like a dream that you never wanted to wake up from. You took a job working as an art teacher, running painting, drawing and many other types of classes over the weeks at the hotel.

When you found out that Penny was pregnant, you tried to be optimistic for her, but you couldn't help but be afraid. Afraid of what might happen if Max found out, of all of you losing your jobs and therefore everything. Johnny could tell. It was difficult to lie to him anyway but as Billy also joked about, you both knew eachother too well.

A part of him supposedly knowing you too well was that he knew you were extremely pessimistic about yourself, and he hated that. He wanted you to really know how he felt about you, and know how amazing you truly are.

Since it was definitely one of the bigger rooms that staff had, you shared a room at the hotel. There was a lot of empty space in the room, so the two of you converted one of the corners into a kind of art studio for you to use in your free time.

That was how the two of you often spent your free time. He loved to watch you work- your focus and dedication was inspiring to him.

When it came to romantic gestures, you both knew that you never had much money, and when you did it wouldn't last long. It was the small things that you really appreciated. Whether that was you buying him a new vinyl, him getting you a new book, or any other small gestures.

Some of the best moments of his life were the two of you, sat in your room listening to music. Whether you were deep in a conversation about pretty much anything or in complete silence, the two of you couldn't have been happier. He enjoyed your company just as much as you did his.

—————————————————————

For Star Wars, I match you with...

Padme

You grew up together on Naboo, which meant that you had known eachother well from a young age.

That also meant you could feel comfortable around her from a young age.Wh

The two of you share a lot of private time. Padme loves to see you being open and feeling as if you can really be yourself. Padme almost felt the same, given her political position, she needed to hide who she really was from the public. You could both be honest and yourselves when you were alone.

When Padme would leave Naboo or have to stay elsewhere for her work, she would practically count down the hours before she could return home to you. Even if it was only a few days, you would miss eachother a lot.

Padme would try to stay positive and optimistic when you found it difficult. Even if you tried to hide it, pretending to feel happy and confident around others, she would try to help you feel more confident in yourself, whether that be small gestures or larger ones.

Whilst your interests may have differed (Padme dedicating her life to politics and you dedicating yours to arts), Padme took an interest in your work. She loved your art and how unique it is.

Another thing that you both loved was reading together. Both of you would enjoy reading fiction together, often using it to escape the world that you lived in.

When you read together, there would be a comfortable silence until it was broken every now and then by one of you commenting on the book you were reading.

Given that she was forced into politics at a young age, Padme was more experienced in creating formal relationships and found romantic gestures more difficult that you would.

Often, Padme would gift you with new art supplies.

She would be fully aware of your boundaries when it came to the relationship between the two of you and your relationship with other people, especially people that you do not know well.

Since you would be uncomfortable around people you are unfamilliar with, she would do what she could to keep you out of her work. Whenever she attended dinner meetings or other events that might involve your attendence, she would try to keep them short and fast, so that you would not be uncomfortable.

—————————————————

For Game of Thrones, I match you with...

Jamie Lannister

(I've only seen the first four series and avoid spoilers at all costs so sorry if he turns out of be an asshole in later series but he seems like a relatively decent person at the minute)

You had met in Lannisport years before he moved to Kingslanding.

When he moved to Kingslanding, you had already been together for quite some time so you moved with him.You

Whilst you had been with him, you had been able to be more open and confident in pursuing your interests. He loved that you felt this way and wanted nothing more than for you to be able to follow your dreams and be able to do what you are really passionate about.

When you were home together, Jamie would love to sit down with a drink of wine as you worked on your art.

As it would just about anyone, his title 'Kingslayer' would scare you. Make you feel anxious in battle. No matter how good he was at fighting, it seemed that this name was almost like a target on his back. He tried to convince you that he could protect himself, though you always worried that his title was like a challange and one day someone would be able to say that they had murdered the kingslayer.

When you moved to Kinglanding, you would spend most of your time together since neither of you really knew many other people. This didn't change as you began to get used to your new home, though you valued your alone time and he respected this, giving you space when you wanted it.

He would be aware of your discomfort around unfamilliar people and try to make sure you were rarely, if ever put in a position that could make you feel uncomfortable or anxious.

When Jamie realised that he wanted to marry you, he took you to one of the gardens in kingslanding. You spend almost an hour walking around the gardens together, talking about anything that came up.

When you reached a spot with one of the most beautiful views for miles, he seemed slightly panicked, which was not something you had seen in him before. He was fidgeting, stuttering a little and you were almost concerned.

He didn't seem to know what to say, though afterwards you were certain he would have tried to rehearse it in the mirror or in his head hundreds of times before doing it.

When he did manage to build up the confidence to get down on one knee, all he could do was ask that nessecary question.

"Will you marry me?"

———————————————

Hope this is okay for you!

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crqelsummer · 1 year

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aiko “im not like my dad but exactly like my dad” yamada is having the time of her life as i slowly finish off the released episodes of mha

- about 5 at the time of mha (she effectively grows up with shinso as an older brother and eri as a slightly older sister)

- around 30 by the time the events of ‘our hero academia’ start

- has a siren quirk (that i really shouldve given to yuto, shinso’s kid). she has to make eye contact with someone and then she can use her voice to manipulate them into doing things. she used it the first time to get mina to give her cookies (which is how class 1-a discovered her existence by accident sometime prior to the overhaul arc)

- does not get paid enough to teach the next generation of class 1-a. is about to start greying at her big age.

- oh yeah — her dad (shota, who she addresses as father most of the time) almost dies the last time they go out together on a job. hes had a lot of close calls lately, but she hasnt been in the country for a while so most shes only now just hearing about.

- she and eri are best friends!! their quirks arent really mushing together well, but they love each other like sisters and are so normal about each other. aiko loves the art eri makes and eri loves the music aiko makes.

- she and hitoshi are interestingly enough, sort of close? considering she teaches his son these days it makes some sense she supposes, but usually she can rely on him for more emotional/logical matters.

- all three of them are mischievous bastards. they gave shota and hizashi a run for their money before aiko left home. hitoshi would usually claim complete innocence even though he usually convinced the girls to help him with some pretty inane plans lol.

- closer to hizashi, very Sunshine-y lovey kinda gal, but she also bleached her hair at 18 and never looked back. made music in america for a while (tried to make it big in L.A) before she moved back to get her license to teach. yet she has a lot of shota’s tendencies, she cares about her students a great deal and will often to go to any lengths to protect them. but oftentimes she lets her heart run away with things, unlike how shota gets things done. they butt heads over this a lot.

- but, aiko was never a big pro hero. she was more local when she did make it back to japan and in the years between arriving home and then teaching at UA (around four years, 22-26) even though hizashi thought she could make it big. the siren perk was just that, a perk. though she did attend UA, she was in class 1-c like shinso. she has to rely on her cables (unfortunately, think aot) to get around as a hero.

- she and shota argue a lot because he thinks she wasted a lot of her prime years a hero just to spite him. logically hes right but she hates that hes right. she didnt want to be a big name like them, but the gentle (and not so gentle) push towards it in the high school shoved her over the edge and she never actually went back to the iida agency after work studying there for years.

#oc: yamada aiko #oc #original character #au: our hero academia

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echothelover · 4 years

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Oh god quarantine IS actually fucking me up. I just followed someone from my old school on instagram. FROM MY OLD SCHOOL. THE SCHOOL THAT MADE ME SO DEPRESSED THAT I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP EVERY TIME I SO MUCH AS DRIVE PAST IT TO VISIT MY BEST FRIEND. What am I thinking.

#and i didnt just follow someone from my old school.#i followed someone i used to be friends with. someone i had a CRUSH on #why? why would i do that?#dont worry though i didnt follow the girl who traumatized me though. even IM not stupid enough for that.#and the girl i followed probably doesnt recognize me anyway since i transitioned #but aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #xander's personal rambles #four years i manage to avoid anyone from that school except my best friend #four. years.#and i ruin it for what? the desire for human interaction? pathetic #...... shes still really pretty and really good at art and i feel like a freak.#i want to message her and try to be friends again. someone PLEASE kill me before i try to do that.#for context: she was quite literally the only other queer person in my grade. she helped me realize i was pan.#i had a crush on her but didn't tell her OBVIOUSLY. one of my other friends traumatized me and made me feel unworthy of love.#i moved and dropped contact with everyone except my best friend (whose practically my brother).#i blocked my old classmates on insta and decided never to talk to them again ever. including the cute funny girl who was ACTUALLY my friend #and now i want to talk to her because im lonely and depressed and being stupid #how could i even talk to her? i dont even have the same name now. id have to deadname myself just to say hi #and what if shes still friends with the girl who traumatized me? i cant deal with that. i CANT let HER know im trans

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greylunar · 2 years

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Hey, im just curious out of my mind with what you do for a living/what you plan on doing for a living? I'm completely lost and you're someone I look up to so I would love to know

Hi friend c: I’m not sure how helpful this will be but I like to think that maybe it’s something that might. Sorry for dropping my life story a bit in this response I really didn’t mean to hehehe

I had my first meeting at Stanford in seventh grade, took the SAT for the first time in sixth. By the time high school had come around, I’d fucked over my grades so badly my parents were just happy I graduated. I went to community college, spent a year and a half getting a degree in physics with the intent to go into astrophysics. Ended up getting my associate’s in arts despite dropping out twice. Transferred to a four-year college to double major in English and secondary education. Barely got halfway through the first semester before medically withdrawing. Now what I do for a living is write fanfic, go to therapy, wait for my disability checks and try to remember to do my stretches.

I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m completely lost just like you. My favorite professor was an accountant for eight years before he got his doctorate in English, the happiest I’ve ever been at a job was working as a barista or a farmhand making enough to live off of. I don’t know how I feel about being someone that anybody might look up to, I don’t know how anyone ever feels qualified to be that. But I do know I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and my life turned out completely fucking different than any plan I ever tried to make for it. If I ever get the chance to “do” anything for a living again, I might try and teach again, I’ll probably try and do something with farming and community organizing. But you have permission to not know. You are allowed to be lost and a mess. Everyone who is asking you to know what you want probably either wants the best for you or is projecting their own unfulfillment and lostness onto you. You’re allowed to tell them you need time (like everyone does) to figure it out.

Here’s a song that helped me. Hope you have a good day anon, and if not, I hope tomorrow’s better. I know that eventually, one of those tomorrows always will be.

#taliesin personal #tal blathers #tal asks #anons #yet another piece of unasked for advice #but thats the needle you thread coming to my inbox haha

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