#but like. it's Definitely from 2008. and I think some of you guys might be a little generous
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just finished repo the genetic opera. I feel lied to
#like. you guys were watching a different musical#I have a Lot of things to say about it but I will keep it brief#it feels like a rough draft#like you're telling me this ran for like 5 years before becoming a movie#and it's still like this?#like I guess it's fine if you can turn your brain off for it#but even then it's enough to pull you out of it at times#like there'll be Key Crunch or just the most literal on the nose blunt lyrics you've ever heard#or like a weird whiplash transition in the music#like the premise is fun I love anticapitalist takes on cyberpunk especially now#but like. it's Definitely from 2008. and I think some of you guys might be a little generous#once again for the sake of Keeping It Brief I'm done#for now. for now#if you want the whole laundry list you know where to find me#(but really it's mostly just more elaboration on those key points)#ok unrelated but like. the face mask guy.#in the final climax scene why did he go from cabaret to the mask LMAO#ok done now. goodnight#emiltalk
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Online & Anonymous 6/16
Hangster. Explicit. Years before they meet in person Bradley and Jake strike up a friends-with-benefits relationship online. And then something more like an actual relationship.
Odd year = Bradley's POV and Even year = Jake's POV
>>Bradley chatting (bold and italics)
>>Jake chatting (italics)
2005/2006 2007 2008 2009 2010
2011 – Bradley
What he hadn’t anticipated, from taking Natasha through what he’d like her to do if anything ever happens to him, that she suddenly thinks he has something serious going on with Jas. He supposes telling her she needs to let someone know if something ever happens to him does make it sound serious, even if they’re… not? It’s definitely a line that they’ve crossed though, which seems weird, considering he doesn’t know what Jas looks like or what his name is, but it doesn’t make what he feels about him any less.
The idea of not being able to talk to him, of not hearing from him ever again, causes a clench in his gut and he knows he’s got emotions all tangled up in it and that when he realizes he loves him. Five years of talking with him online, having cybersex regularly, and it’s legitimately the longest sexual relationship he’s ever had. It’s the only relationship he’s ever had, weird as it might be and he suddenly wants to talk to him about it. Desperately.
>>I just realized that I love you.
>>Is that weird?
He doesn’t get a response for a few days and he tries not to overthink it. He knows Jas isn’t on leave, they’ve gone this long without chatting before, it doesn’t mean anything bad, he’s just deployed somewhere and he isn’t just ignoring him. He can tell the messages haven’t even been seen, but it doesn’t stop him sending a follow up message.
>>Sorry if I’ve made it weird.
He has to keep repeating it to himself, Jas is just busy. A reply finally comes nine days later, not the longest that’s gone between them by far, but it’s definitely up there in the last couple of years since they switched to using phones.
>>Dude. What part of me telling you before about the idea of you dying freaks me out.
>>I love you too.
>>But yeah, it is weird.
>>I don’t care if you don’t though.
>>I don’t care. At all.
>>Just sort of realized that even with all the hooking up, you’re the guy I keep coming back to.
>>Yeah?
>>Should I feel honored?
>>Maybe? Just don’t have any other relationships.
>>Not sure if you’d want to call what we do a relationship.
>>Not like it’s exclusive or anything.
>>So what? We’re young and we aren’t physically together. I don’t care.
>>I’ll call it a relationship if I want to.
>>The way you talk about being with other guys turns me on.
>>Same.
>>So are we going to share a photo of our face now or something?
>>We’re both still under DADT.
>>Yeah. Sucks.
>>But to be honest I kind of like the mystery.
>>Still? It’s been five years.
>> The novelty hasn’t worn off?
>>I don’t think anything about you could wear off.
>>Sweet talker.
>>When I want to be.
Bradley grins, because the playful back and forth is something he enjoys with Jas. He really does want to put a face to the name, to the body he’s come to appreciate so much, even if it’s only through the tiny screen of his phone.
>>One thing though. You find a guy you think you might want to give it a real shot with don’t let what we have hold you back.
>>I’d rather give us a shot first, before some random guy that just happens along.
>>I thought we were going to meet up soon?
>>Yeah, I guess we better start trying to figure that out huh?
>>I guess we better.
They work through their schedules, periods of deployment and there is only an eleven day period in November when they’re both on leave, and they currently don’t have plans for that leave to be in the same place, but it’s far enough away that Bradley’s already considering flights.
>>I’ll come to you. I’ll be the guy in uniform at the bar.
>>Along with everyone else if we pick a military bar. Which we won’t be doing.
>>How about we pick somewhere half-way? It’s not like we have family to visit.
>>Yeah, okay. So just throwing a dart at the map or what?
>>How about we consider just one of us travelling, keep the costs down?
>>You just said about meeting half way!
>>I’m just throwing ideas out at this stage.
>>I’m okay with either by the way.
>>November is only eight months away.
>>Holy shit.
>>God I’m excited to meet you.
>>Yeah, me too.
… … …
Of course, now that they’ve picked a date time seems to slow down to a snail’s pace. He and Natasha are lucky enough to currently be stationed in a squadron together, along with a handful of others he knows well enough to share a drink and a game of cards with. Working with them is easy. Easiest of the lot is Bambi, one of the other few female aviators who he and Natasha met in flight school. Like everyone she’d assumed he and Natasha were a couple; although she knows better now. She was one of the first of them to get her call sign, night landings not agreeing with her and her rough landing making a loud enough bang to rattle the jaws of the crew on deck. Bambam was already taken, so of course he’d suggested Bambi. He likes to think she’s forgiven him.
A short period of shore leave finds them sitting in a little restaurant, hours ticking down until they’ll have to back on the carrier and he just sits back and enjoys his coffee. Then the waiter comes over to see if there is anything else they might need and the look he gives Bradley is quite blatant in that he’d be interested and he can’t help but be flattered, the guy is very good looking.
“Jesus, do you flirt with every guy who looks at you sideways?” Bambi asks, her eyes following the waiter.
“Only the ones not in uniform,” Bradley murmurs quietly, eyes narrowing to remind her to keep it quiet; because he can’t be too careful, can’t assume there aren’t eyes and ears willing to report him. Bambi rolls her eyes and he hates that she doesn’t take it seriously.
“Really? For some reason I doubt that, you’re kind of… promiscuous.”
Bradley shrugs, because he doesn’t think he is, not compared to some of the guys. When he’s deployed he doesn’t usually fuck around, far too paranoid about being caught. His career is more important to him then getting laid. Even when he has taken the occasional risk it’s only been because the risk was very very low, given all the signs telling him the other person was risking just as much, if not more.
“I like sex. And it’s not like I can settle down with anyone. Can you imagine? DADT and me trying to bring my boyfriend into base housing? I’d be out on my ass before you could blink. Ink wouldn’t even have time to dry on my dishonorable discharge papers.”
“Wait, you have a boyfriend? Since when?”
He freezes, running his mind back over the words he just said.
“I, uh, I guess? I have someone.”
“He’s totally your boyfriend. You two talk almost every day,” Natasha says, and her voice is barely above a whisper, but she also looks bored with the whole conversation.
“Yeah, we do.”
“And they’re okay with you, just, sleeping with other people?”
“I… yeah. I mean. I haven’t since we talked about it. But, yeah. I tell them all about it. Plus we haven’t actually met yet.”
“Oh my god, you have an online boyfriend? How do you know he’s not an eighty-year-old man. Or a woman?”
“Because he sends me pictures pretty regularly. And he has a gorgeous body that doesn’t resemble that of an eighty-year-old man, or a woman.”
Both Natasha and Bambi suddenly seem interested and Bradley rolls his eyes.
“You’re both perverts.”
“You’re the one receiving them.”
Bradley guesses they have a point there, but also finds he really doesn’t care.
… … …
Of course there are rumors that he’s sleeping with both Natasha and Bambi, which they both think is hilarious, although he wishes they could maybe be less amused. They do both imply that they have slept with him, but are now nothing more than friends, which helps calm his uneasiness, until he hears one of the guys in the locker room make a comment about them using Bradley as their cover for their own relationship. He’s going to say something –
“You’re just jealous they don’t invite you to join them!” Machado calls out and Bradley’s head shoots around. He’s not had much to do Machado, he’s one of the younger guys. but he’s smiling that calm unbothered smile and he nods at Bradley and he nods back, wonders what the hell he thinks he’s actually doing with Natasha and Bambi. He gets his answer soon enough, Machado sidling up to him later that day in the mess hall.
“So, you say you’re only friends. They say the same. But if I ask her out would it be… a problem?”
“She really is just a friend. My best friend though. Which is maybe worse than being an ex of mine, because I love her like a sister and she’s pretty much the only family I have so… tread lightly but good luck. You’ll probably need it.”
“Okay. Thanks. I think.”
Bradley gives him a wink and slap on the arm, wonders if he should immediately go and find Bambi and Natasha to be able to gossip about someone else’s love life than his for once.
… … …
The envelope is waiting for him when he hits land, and he groans. He received enough of these now to know they’re new orders. He’s meant to have three weeks of leave right now, before his next deployment, but this could change things. He runs a finger under the flap, cursing under his breath when he gets a paper cut and he sucks on his finger as he reads it through, stomach sinking as he reads.
“Fuck. FUCK!”
“What’s wrong? They’re just new orders right?”
“I was going to meet Jas in November. And now I’m going to be in fucking Afghanistan,” Bradley swears, papers crumpling in his hand, scrubbing at his face with his other hand.
“Oh. Shit. Of course. I’m sorry…”
For the first time he wishes he could just call him and talk to him, tell him how sorry he is. One thing he is glad for, is that Jas will at least understand what it is to get new orders, will be used to the whims of the fucking military to just move people to wherever they’re needed. Plans for something in six months’ time are of course ones that would usually be easily rearranged, except when someone else’s plans also need to be taken into account.
>>I just got new orders.
>>I leave for a seven-month deployment next month.
>>June through January.
>>I am…
>>I’m so sorry.
>>Fuck.
>>AFG.
It’s a flurry of short messages, he’s not able to construct something longer, more coherent and heartfelt. It’s also the closest he’s come to telling Jas exactly where he will be, but unless he is deployed to the same area
>>Well shit.
>>That sucks.
>>Be safe.
>>Always.
2012 - Jake
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Nick Mag Highlights - Nick Mag Presents: The Fairly OddParents (Spring 2004)
Welcome, one and all, back to Nick Mag Highlights! Today we’ll be checking out an installment of the Nick Mag Presents magazine that’s all about The Fairly OddParents, from Spring 2004!
(Lots of two-page screenshots in this one, loading may be a little slow!)
For those unaware, Nick Mag Presents was a separate publication that ran alongside the usual Nickelodeon Magazine we all know and love. These books acted as a way for Nickelodeon to compile content from Nickelodeon Magazine that was based around a specific show or theme, and release it to stores. They would sometimes coincide with special episodes or Nickelodeon movies that were releasing around the same time. For example this issue we’re looking at today is based on a then-upcoming half hour The Fairly OddParents special, “The Big Superhero Wish!”.
Nick Mag Presents ran from 1999 to 2008, and presumably was a pretty successful venture for Nickelodeon. People I’ve talked to that didn’t have a Nickelodeon Magazine subscription still remember grabbing an issue or two of these compilations while they were out shopping with their parents. It was another way to deliver Nickelodeon Magazine goodness to people, and that’s quite alright by me!
But wait a minute, why am I covering a supposed compilation of old content, when I could just be covering the magazines the content came from? Well for one, someone requested it, and I’m a nice guy. Second, Nick Mag Presents was the way a lot of people experienced Nickelodeon Magazine and I think it’s fair to show it respect. And third, it’s not just a compilation of old content! Yes, there is new stuff to be found here, from comics that are way longer than the usual Nickelodeon Magazine fare, to exclusive articles and activities. There’s some particularly good stuff in this magazine, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
Special Addendum
In my previous NMH post on Issue #150, I brought attention to a challenge Nickelodeon was hosting online and in-print to celebrate the 10th anniversary of SpongeBob SquarePants. Nickelodeon promised that if kids could triumph over each SpongeBob-themed puzzle they posted each month, they would earn the password to a “digital prize online”. Since I couldn’t find anything more regarding this contest and scans of 2009 Nickelodeon Magazine issues are scarce, I asked viewers for anything they knew about it, particularly that digital prize.
And… apparently there was no prize! Yes, allegedly from a fan, Nickelodeon eventually stopped bringing up the prize in their issues, and presumably then the only reward for kids’ expertise over the SpongeBob puzzles would be a fleeting sense of accomplishment. Thanks a lot, Nickelodeon! I’m not sure what was a more disappointing celebration for SpongeBob’s 10th anniversary: this, or "Truth or Square".
Alrighty, are we good? Good. It’s super-hero time!
You can read the magazine here, if you’d like. I always recommend it!
So, The Fairly OddParents, huh? Not much to say about it, really. Anyone reading this certainly already knows what it is! It’s an iconic show, being one of Nickelodeon’s longest running series ever, among the likes of SpongeBob SquarePants and Rugrats. That’s a tremendous accomplishment, and it’s definitely earned its place in the hearts of many fans. Even if its name has been sullied a bit by its infamously lackluster later seasons, Drake Bell-starring movies, and ridiculously bad live action reboot.
But forget about all that! This is 2004, baby! The show was on its fourth season and still pumping out veritable hits. Alongside the aforementioned “The Big Superhero Wish!” half hour special, we received “The Jimmy-Timmy Power Hour” in 2004, too! That might give you a better frame of reference for the kind of “average kid that no one understands” content we can expect from this issue.
…Oh, right, the issue! Let’s get back on track. As you can see the offerings are a bit slimmer than your usual Nickelodeon Magazine. That’s understandable, and besides, what these books lack in celebrity interviews they make up for in extra-large comics! Since these books made their money largely through in-store purchases, they’re able to forgo most of the ad space and give us more of the good stuff.
One thing I really like about these Presents issues is that they always start with an admittedly wordy but well-meaning intro to the issue and its content. For example, the Summer 2003 issue of Nick Mag Presents (also based on The Fairly OddParents) contains a spiel from Mr. Crocker featuring his usual comedic ramblings on the existence of fairies.
Taking a look here, this issue’s intro features … uh, sorry, who is this? Some sort of comic book nerd I don’t remember ever being in the show? Well, whoever he is, he’s got a point! Here I am, nearly 20 years later, pointing to these magazines as the pinnacle of magazine entertainment. Cheers to you, comic book nerd!
Hey, this is really cool! All this behind-the-scenes info and concept art is a welcome surprise. Not sure what it has to do with superheroes per se, but you won’t hear me complaining. I know Butch Hartman is a bit of a polarizing figure these days, but it doesn’t make me any less satisfied to finally hear why the main characters wore those stretchy shoe-pants combo clothes.
This is a fun activity, and I could definitely see it getting the creative juices flowing for any kid looking to play superheroes and supervillains during recess. It also doubles as a (debatably) subtle way to introduce readers to the main villains of “The Big Superhero Wish!” and hype them up for the special’s premiere. Hey, I guess that kind of self-promotion is what we’re here for, right? You saw the cover!
I really think a lot of the people at the Nick Magazine office had a soft spot for the golden age of comics, what with articles like these and how The Comic Book section in their regular editions often contained references to the same era. If I’m right, then it’s cool to see people revitalizing parts of their childhood for a new generation. That’s some proper upcycling!
Now, recurring readers may remember that in the last NMH post, I briefly mentioned another issue of Nick Mag Presents themed around Avatar: The Last Airbender. I brought up that apparently the team behind it was full of avid Avatar fans who were passionate about the series. I bring this up because what’s especially cool is that in a similar vein, the writer behind this article on superhero sidekicks, Frank Pittarese, is a former editor for both DC and Marvel Comics! It's always nice to see when Nickelodeon was able to put the right people in the right place when it came to their magazine content.
Ah, alright, alright, this is what you’re really here for, isn’t it? Comics were understandably the main selling point of these books, to the point that Nickelodeon even ran a couple of “All-Comic Special” versions of Nick Mag Presents that were completely made up of that sort of wonderful paneled content. I’m not really one for covering comics beat-by-beat on this blog. I think if they’re really worth reading, you’re better off reading them yourself! It’s not like they’re long, and I’m certain it’d be more entertaining than any summary I could throw at you. But hey, I’ll try my best! It’s not like I could just skip over more than half the book, could I?
Fun fact: There’s a coloring error on page 10. See if you can spot it!
This first one, understandably based on The Fairly OddParents, is a pretty straightforward affair. It’s still longer than anything you’d get in your usual Nickelodeon Magazine, though! Not to mention it’s also pretty authentic to the show’s heyday, which isn’t too surprising given that the team behind the comic has its fair share of The Fairly OddParents crewmembers in it. The writer, Jack Thomas, has 55 writing credits on the show to his name! That’s nearly as many episodes of the show as there are in the first four seasons combined.
I’ve gotta be honest here when it comes to my critique of a nearly 20-year old comic based on an episode of a children’s television show, though: the story doesn’t make much sense! At least, in the context of “The Big Superhero Wish!” anyway.
The episode has Timmy making a few ill-conceived wishes that end up creating a league of supervillains out of his greatest enemies, led by Nega-Chin, the arch enemy of his favorite comic book hero, the Crimson Chin. It’s a good episode with some pretty funny bits, but more importantly, it has an ending that wraps up everything and returns all of Timmy’s enemies back to their regular selves. In other words, it sounds like it’d be hard to make a promotional comic based on it! The story doesn't really have any downtime to insert a plot line that could’ve happened but the audience just didn’t see. And it’s not like they could have simply retold the episode, this whole book is for the sake of getting you to tune in! So, with all that in mind, I guess I can’t be too harsh on the odd premise, which now apparently has all the supervillains as sentient beings in a comic book? Did Timmy’s wishes mess with the fabric of reality so badly that it resulted in turning his teacher, babysitter, and school bully into canonical characters of The Crimson Chin storyline?
Anyway, hopefully you’ve been reading along! Basically the league of villains are trying to hunt down the Crimson Chin by going into different issues of his comic from throughout history. Each Chin represents a different era and are differently designed to pander to whatever was popular in the market at the time similar to the constant re-envisionings superheroes have had throughout the years, particularly Batman (I think, at least. I’m not really a comics guy).
These Crimson Chin from different eras actually first appeared in an episode of The Fairly OddParents, “The Crimson Chin Meets Mighty Mom and Dyno Dad”. I guess the comic crew really had to use everything they could to get an 8-page comic out of this.
One or two inconsequential gripes aside, I still think this comic is a solid start to the book! It’s got the humor down (I found the line about a lawsuit on page 14 here particularly funny), and the satisfying colorful art that made the show so recognizable. Nice work!
Not really a fan of this section. There’s giving kids drawing tips and then there’s just telling them arbitrary rules on what they can and can’t draw. I get that Hartman’s trying to hearken back to the comic heroes he read as a kid that all had the same chiseled body type (clearly he has fun drawing them) but the way this is all framed is a bit too opinionated for me.
I just noticed this now as I’m uploading the image: Check out the cool designs they gave to all the panel borders! That’s a neat detail.
Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius is one of my all-time Nickelodeon favorites, so you could imagine I was pretty happy to see a comic based on the show make an appearance here! It has a fun concept and does stuff the show most likely couldn’t have, like shifting the artstyle to make it look like an old comic book when Sheen transports himself into one.
My only criticism is that the art just looks the slightest bit… off. Alright, more specifically: Sheen looks off. Jimmy looks fine enough, but Sheen just looks weird! For some reason this show didn't seem to have any standardized 2D designs for its characters, which led to every Jimmy Neutron comic in Nick Magazine looking vastly different. And it looks like Sheen drew the short end of the stick here. Don't see what I mean? Here's a collage of my favorite Sheen faces from this comic:
Ultra Lord. Not even once.
Hey, look at the bottom corners! You can see the comic pages actually overlapping the magazine’s page numbers and casting a shadow, as if the comic book is open and lying on your magazine! Lots of cool details in this one.
I'd recommend fans just read this one themselves. It's ten pages long, pretty funny, and does a lot of cool stuff with the idea that Sheen knows he's in a comic, like grabbing onto his own speech bubbles and jumping between the different panels.
Also, this could just be a "me" thing, but am I the only one who thought Ultra Lord was supposed to be a parody of Japanese kids' shows like Ultraman and Power Rangers? If they were trying to go for a "Space Age"-look for his design then they went a little too far with the intricate outfit and bright color, cause it really just gives me Super Sentai vibes more than anything. I bring this up because here Ultra Lord is portrayed as a '60s American comic book superhero, which I find odd. Again, maybe it’s just me.
Next up, it’s a comic based on the Rugrats sequel series, All Grown Up. I never really watched the show as a kid, I always wish they’d just put on Rugrats instead. Regardless, this comic’s alright, it’s about Tommy’s brother Dil becoming popular for doing dares, which leads to him realizing that fame isn’t worth risking your wellbeing over. A fine enough premise for a fine enough comic. One question does come to mind, though: What does this have to do with superheroes? Or comics, for that matter. I guess Dil does wear a cape and starts going by the nickname “Dil-Devil”, but that's like calling Evel Knievel a superhero.
But yeah, if All Grown Up is your thing, you can check out the comic if it sounds like it’s worth your while.
This ad here shows how Nick Mag Presents fit into the Nickelodeon Magazine subscription system. Essentially, they acted as bonuses to entice potential subscribers (without mentioning that these issues reused a lot of content originally from Nickelodeon Magazine, of course). I don’t think you could specifically get a Nick Mag Presents subscription, so getting them as bonuses for your subscription or buying them at the store were your only ways of procuring them.
I really wish more of these had scans, particularly the “official movie magazines” for The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie and Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius. Not to get preachy, but if you think you’ve got any issues of Nick Mag Presents or Nickelodeon Magazine not already available (there’s a spreadsheet to check, courtesy of @NickMagProject on Twitter), I implore you to scan and upload them. Come to think of it, I guess that goes for any old magazine you have really, if it’s convenient for you. You might just be saving a copy of somebody’s cherished childhood memory.
Back to The FairlyOddParents, with another tale all about comic books and superheroes. Go figure. Similar to the Jimmy Neutron comic from earlier, this one has Timmy going into the world of one of his new comic books to find out how the story ends. I like the art here, with the lineart done by C.H. Greenblatt (creator of Chowder and Harvey Beaks). It’s very similar to the show, but still stylized, looking a little more sharp and exaggerated than usual.
Oh hey! There’s that comic book nerd from earlier! Guess that explains that.
And when Timmy enters the comic world, the style switches over to art done by Sergio Aragones, a longtime artist for MAD Magazine. I only went through about two or three issues of MAD from my local library as a kid, and I still recognized this guy’s art when I saw it here. I think that definitely speaks to how distinct his style is and how often his work appeared in those issues.
Alright, back to business! The comic itself is fine, there’s a few good jokes. Greenblatt and Aragones’s art really picks up the slack while the entertainment value wanes a bit. Eh, maybe I’m just experiencing comic fatigue. Oh well, you read it and be the judge.
Now this is properly historic! I didn’t imagine there’d be an ad for a whole new channel in here, and it’s pretty funny, too.
Nicktoons had only been around for nine months or so when this ad was printed, which is pretty interesting to see as someone who can hardly remember a time without the channel’s existence. Anyone fortunate enough to have both channels was treated to two times the Nickelodeon, meaning there was usually always something good to watch.
It’s funny though how in hindsight this is more like Nickelodeon advertising their new funeral parlor, considering how often they used Nicktoons as a dumping ground for their lesser-performing shows to make room for more SpongeBob SquarePants. It’s happened to My Life as a Teenage Robot, El Tigre, Catscratch, and even more recent shows like Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, to name a few.
It’d be cool if Nickelodeon used Nicktoons more like how Cartoon Network used their spinoff channel Boomerang: As a way to rerun their older shows for new generations to see. I always wished as a kid I could’ve watched some of Nick’s older stuff like Rocko’s Modern Life or Hey Arnold!. I always heard they were great, but unless I was willing to go out on a limb and buy a VHS of a show I had never seen, I was out of luck. Oh well.
Yeesh, this got bitter fast, didn't it? It's friggin' Invader Zim wearing a clown wig. I must still not be over what happened to Making Fiends…
The last few comics coming up are of the smaller, 2-page spread variety. So if any of them are originally from Nickelodeon Magazine, I’d bet on these last three. It’s a cute story, and I kinda love these little day-in-the life moments these comics tend to depict. The art of SpongeBob and Patrick here was done by longtime cartoon artist Shern Cohen (who actually did the cover art of the last Nickelodeon Magazine issue I checked out, #150!). The art for Mermaid Man’s comic was done by Ramona Fradon, a comic artist most well known for her art on Aquaman! Go figure, right? That is so cool.
So, what is ChalkZone considered nowadays? Cult classic or just a regular classic? Yeah, we probably won’t be seeing a reboot anytime soon but I’m pretty sure it was decently popular. I definitely remember watching it, but I’m hard-pressed to remember much about it outside of its surprisingly epic theme song. It’s definitely one of, if not the most relevant chalk-centric production in recent history.
Last comic of the evening, everyone! Good thing too, I think my eyes are starting to turn square from all the panels. Fittingly enough we’re rounding things off with another Fairly OddParents adventure, albeit one that’s very clearly not a superhero-related affair. But hey, who’s counting?
I still really like the dynamic Cosmo and Wanda used to have back in these earlier parts of the series’s history. Cosmo has always been the more carefree of the two, but Wanda wasn’t above a bit of goofing off and playing with her magic powers either. Seeing them have fun together as a pair made their relationship really cute and believable.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this comic was originally an episode concept they couldn’t flesh out to a full 11 minutes. Not the worst idea for getting the most you can out of your work!
And that just about wraps up this issue of Nick Mag Presents! I may have kind of sort of skipped over a crossword puzzle after that last comic but… if you’re really so inclined, be my guest.
Anyway, I’d like to thank one of my readers for suggesting that I check out Nick Mag Presents. It means a lot to me, and I hope I delivered! If anyone reading wants to recommend an issue of Nickelodeon Magazine, Nick Mag Presents, or even a completely unrelated magazine for me to cover on NMH Side Issues, be my guest! I am currently limited to what magazines are available online via The Internet Archive or otherwise, but if I can do it, I’ll check it out if I’ve got something to say on it.
But for now, I’d say it’s back to the ‘ole grind. With great magazines comes great responsibility after all, and these magazines don’t highlight themselves!
Have a good day, and as always, keep on reading!
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Favorite Horror movie Eliza is in?
I personally love Wrong Turn and Soul Survivors.
Thank you for the ask and excellent question! Those are my favorite Eliza horror movies too, with the addition of Open Graves. I think the idea / plot of both Soul Survivors and Open Graves is better but the overall execution is better in Wrong Turn. And since I've seen everything Eliza's been in, I'm gonna go nuts below the cut. Almost all of them have a twist!
Spoiler free ranking and mini-reviews of all of Eliza's scary movies below!
Using a loose definition of scary movie, the contenders in chronological order are: Soul Survivors (2001), Wrong Turn (2003), The Alphabet Killer (2008), The Coverup (2008), Open Graves (2009), Locked In (2010), The Scribbler (2014), and Eloise (2016).
Here's my ranking of all of these movies! Categories below are from IMDB, bold are the only ones that are really Horror movies. Links go to the pages for these from Eliza Dushku Daily. Some gifs may have spoilers.
Wrong Turn (Horror / Thriller)
Open Graves (Horror / Thriller)
Soul Survivors (Horror / Mystery / Thriller)
Locked In (Drama / Thriller)
The Alphabet Killer (Crime / Mystery / Thriller)
Eloise (Horror / Mystery / Sci-Fi)
The Coverup (aka The Thacker Case) (Crime / Drama / Mystery)
The Scribbler (Mystery / Sci-Fi / Thriller)
I prefer regular Horror to Crime / Mystery movies, so YMMV. Also Eloise squicked me out a little bit, so the horror got too intense for me. (I can still rewatch it.) I think Wrong Turn is alot better than any of the others. Please do your own check for content / gore / etc.
Spoiler free mini-reviews for each of these BELOW. I'll include a note if it's streaming for free in the USA (as of Oct 2023), but also check your library!
Wrong Turn - rated R - a classic! I like that they don't push Jessie (Eliza) and the main dude into being a couple / kiss. (They kiss in a deleted scene.) They work better as friends. I like the way the movie brings the group together. Warning: lots of gore. (reminds me of 2008 The Strangers a little bit) Bonus: the Albanian flag white tank top!
Open Graves - rated R - I like the twist OK, but the execution of the movie is so-so. The main dude and Erica (Eliza) have decent chemistry. Eliza is charming and gets lots of screen time. The ending was a little bit of a let-down, because it focuses on the main dude. Streaming free on TUBI and others.
(semi-spoiler: if you like Final Destination you might like this.)
Soul Survivors - rated PG-13 and R - I like the twist (another twist!) but the plot wanders. Annabel (Eliza) is friends with the main girl Cassie and they even dance together but Bad Girls at the Bronze it is not. I am not as harsh, but agree with alot of this reviewer's thoughts on Soul Survivors (esp the kissing scene) - not spoiler free review HERE. A great quote from it:
"An early scene of Cassie and Annabel dancing together is a clear attempt to recapture the Fuffy energy, but all it does is definitively disprove the theory that you can put Eliza Dushku onscreen with any wholesome blonde girl and sparks will fly. They have no chemistry. None." It's true. Annabel is not straight in this movie but Cassie definitely is. Cassie forgot to Bring It!
(PG-13 version streaming free on TUBI and others. R version streaming free on Pluto and others.)
Locked In - rated R - Renee (Eliza) is not in this very much, despite being prominently featured in the poster. She's definitely a side character. I like the twist, but it's not as good as Soul Survivors because Renee is in it so little. (But when she is! <redacted> ahem.) The guy is blah. (Random shout-out to the lighting in the bar scene, Renee looks amazing. See below.)
The Alphabet Killer - rated R - Inspired by a true story, Megan (Eliza) investigates missing girls and on paper the plot is good. I think the movie was afraid to commit and kept waffling. There's also minimal romance / sexual tension. And there's a lot of characters to keep track of. If you've always wanted to see Eliza in a cop uniform, this movie delivers. Streaming free on TUBI and others.
Eloise - rated R - Pia (Eliza) is in this a fair amount, and she has some backstory. She and a group of people (including her adult younger brother) go explore an abandoned mental institution. As you do. It's decent for a horror movie. Streaming free on Plex and others.
The Coverup (aka The Thacker Case) - rated R - Monica (Eliza) is an assistant to a personal injury lawyer. He takes on a police brutality case based on a true story. (ACAB! There is no twist in this movie.) Monica is not in the movie very much, and they give her the worst hair Eliza has ever had. They somehow make Eliza look almost plain, well as much as you can to Eliza. I applaud the topic but as a movie it's not great. Streaming free on Amazon Prime if you are a subscriber.
The Scribbler - rated R - (BTVS fans this movie also stars Michelle Trachtenberg in a larger role than Eliza's.) It's based on a graphic novel. Jennifer (Eliza) has a few scenes as a criminal psychologist interviewing the main character, along with a cop detective. The plot stumbles around.
gif credits from top to bottom:
- Wrong Turn thanks to baddingtonbitch
- Open Graves thanks to whatisyourchildhoodtrauma
- Soul Survivors thanks to dushku
- Locked In thanks to whatisyourchildhoodtrauma
All other production stills thanks to ElizaDushku.org
#ask answered#ranking eliza dushku movies and shows#horror#scary movies#intense movie reco#movie reco#thank you original gifmakers#you are worth your weight in gold#ask game#blazinwolve#thank you for the asks!#eliza dushku movies and shows
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Hi! I’m a long-time listener of Driver Picks the Podcast and I finally got around to watching Leverage along with this pod. I honestly wasn’t sure I was going to because I knew almost nothing about the series except that it probably wasn’t my thing.
So, this pilot episode was a delightful surprise! I didn’t even realize the premise was a ragtag group of strangers committing Robin Hood-esque heists which is 100% my thing. It’s all so very 2008 in a way that really works for me in the way of nostalgia. Beth is right in that this pilot is A LOT but I was totally along for the ride and was able to follow along pretty well.
(I will say the only thing I was vaguely aware of was Eliot being a fan favorite and the prevalence of the Hardison/Parker/Eliot ship within the fandom with which I am already fully on board)
As requested in the pod, I am going to rank the characters favorite to least favorite only having seen 2 episodes 😭
1. Hardison: Aldis Hodge is great and I’m a real sucker for “the guy in the chair,” although I love that he’s also very active in the sort of play acting as well. I think my favorite moment is when he’s playing the FBI agent and leading Eliot to cop car. So good.
2. Parker: I can already see the immense potential for development in her and it’s so exciting! She’s an agent of chaos in the best way.
3. Sophie: she’s the character I knew the least about going in and she really surprised me! Her grift is always both satisfying and entertaining. I also find her to be incredibly hot 💕
4. Eliot: I saw someone else say that he is the most emotionally intelligent member of the group and I have to agree so far. Definitely looking forward to learning more about him. Also, I adore his little glasses! I’m glad that this style is starting to make a bit of a comeback.
5. Nate: so I expected to hate him, partially because I have a bias against some of Timothy Hutton’s previous roles lol, but he seemed like a pretty blah character from what little info I did have. While he’s still ranked last I didn’t hate him at all. He’s kind of the lynchpin here which is fine and necessary but he’s giving me the least to work with at the moment. I really loved the moment in the alley with Sophie where we see him really flustered for the first time. I really thought the Sophie/Nate thing would be uninteresting to me but I’m actually very intrigued by their past (and the flashback was excellent).
all that to say I actually really enjoy every character so far in a way I wasn’t expecting!
The thing I most look forward to is seeing the development of the group and the dynamics therein. 5 characters and 5 seasons gives us plenty of room to explore that. And despite having a trauma bond with Supernatural, I could see Leverage being much more my thing funnily enough. So thanks for the recommendation!
Okay your takes are so valid and I am honestly so honored that you have decided to follow us across to Leverage and my funny silly little goofy show that I love with all my heart. I hoped that I might inspire someone to watch the show and I'm so happy that we can act as your guide to accompany your first time watching.
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Okay, welp I’m back on tumblr so about time I get back onto the bull I love to pull, talking about Touhou fan games! The past few years have definitely been pretty interesting, though today I want to talk about something... Incredibly curious.
東方陰陽暦 ~ Illuminate animal destiny is probably one of the most interesting danmakufu games of 2022. How so? It uses 0.12m as it’s base... Which for those out of the danmakufu loop, is an engine as old as 2008! Typically people making danmaku Touhou fan games use either Danmakufu ph3, LuaSTG or other independent engines but the main author of this marimo seems pretty dedicated to the engine; as I’ve been told he’s made previous projects on it.
This DOES however make it pretty hard to run the game properly on modern hardware. 0.12m uses DirectX 8 so I’d advise you download a DX8 to DX9 converter in order for the game to run. If you’re already a fan then you might already have these files for the classic era Windows Touhou games but I’ll link them in this post just in case.
Another hurdle for foreign countries though, downloading the game requires you to have your computer to be in Japanese locale otherwise all the files will go corrupt due to not being able to find the right language pack. You can try using locale emulators or other means but I had to download the game this way. After that I could run the game fine on a locale emulator.
Though finally talking about the game this has definitely been an oddity to play. Well first I’ll start off with characters which are sorted into the 5 chinese elements, so think what Patchouli uses:
Wood - Reimu Hakurei
Fire - Flandre Scarlet
Earth - NTR Nilpotent Unit [FAZE] (MJ)
Metal - Youmu Konpaku
Water - Marisa Kirisame
One thing that really sticks out like a sore thumb is who I just call NTR man. I THINK this is suppose to be a self insert of the authour or at least an insert of a friend of his? Some kind of OC? I don’t know the full details, I may have been learning Japanese but I’m currently as fluent as a toddler with sunglasses and who knows if that’ll stay that way.
So the four main Touhou characters primarily use player scripts that were lifted from a Japanese danmakufu wiki. Reimu has homing, Marisa has lasers, Youmu has her IN shot, Flandre has a reticle she fires bubble bullets at which can be set down with focus. All characters are given a shot designated to the element they’re classified under, which said elements are just a copy paste of MarisaB’s different elements from SA. These elements also have abilities associated to them on the C key which is spent by the power you use to gain them.
Reimu has... Nothing from what I could tell
Marisa has auto collect
Youmu cuts the frame rate in half whilst going faster
Flandre literally just clears the screen of bullets
I’m saving NTR man for last because I cannot tell if he’s meant to be a joke or not. He starts out with 6 bombs instead of 3, his unfocused speed is ridiculously fast (practically to meme-like levels) his shot does absurd damage by how rapid they come out and his elemental ability or whatever is borders.
I practically got a Lunatic 1cc easily in this game purely on this guys power alone, nevermind his ludicrously fast speed... If anything on the topic of balance I feel a lot of people might get thrown off by it.
Flan is also pretty broken in the sense her screen clearing ability also clears out bullets you can’t normally clear with bombs... So in a way she can make some spell cards pretty trivial
A lot of the danmaku patterns feel like they were made to be complete noob traps or didn’t have much consideration into how difficult they actually were. Some patterns feel the same across all difficulties or they have something extra to them that either was unnessesary or not well thought out.
And yet there’s also weird moments of neat ideas in here? For example one of the Stage 5 bosses non’s is basically a gimmick from Undertale where you have to shield your heart from Undyne’s spears. I mean it came outta nowhere but to suddenly have that in 0.12m? That’s kinda neat not gonna lie.
The art in the game is surprisingly well done. Granted it’s compressed like heck due to the game having to run at 640x480 but what’s done here, whilst definitely amateur still has some attributes that lead to a pleasent style if very typical of what it is. Granted some of the character names put me through a loop making me feel like it was a Western guy coming up with Japanese names (Nekoko is still kinda painful from my perspective) but no, marimo is Japanese and he made it. Never assume something was made based on superficial things.
The music in the game is not great. I’m unsure who composed these tracks but if anything the musical notation is pretty off in some places and I think the sound mixing gets to the point where you actively hear the crust blaring out due to it trying to go really loud. There is no sound option in the engine itself so you’re going to just have to use system sounds to adjust the overall volume. It’s more or less though a limitation on 0.12m’s part though.
By all accounts the game is not good... But I honestly find it pretty endearing? There’s some nostalgia I gained from this reminding me of the days I use to goof off playing all sorts of scripts in 0.12m and all the different player scripts I’d use to try and 1cc Phantasmagoria Trues back over a decade ago.
Overall if you’re interested the authour has a link available from his twitter. Do remember, download it once you set your computers locale to Japanese and then you should be good if you have a locale emulator. I feel like even talking about this here the game is probably going to get buried in obscurity still on the nature of it being a Touhou fangame made in 0.12m no less.
Still I found some fun in this thrown together treat.
As for what I’ll talk about after, I think I got some ideas but I’m gonna need a good think about what to talk about next.
#touhou#touhou project#東方#東方project#touhou fangame#illuminate animals destiny#reimu hakurei#marisa kirisame#flandre scarlet#youmu konpaku#danmakufu#danmakufu 0.12m
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just thinking about how the cobra starship music video for "i kissed a boy" (a cover of katy perry's "i kissed a girl") is set up as a parody to the book/film "girl, interrupted.” bc like... i think despite looking like it was made with 5 dollars, a tripod, and a dream, this song and mv actually have a really interesting political/social position.
i’d like to focus in this post what the mv adds to a queer interpretation of the song, but to do that we should quickly discuss the ways i’m interpreting the song itself.
on the most basic level, the listener is intended to understand that gabe saporta likes kissing other guys, and that his stated reason is that he likes causing problems, as well as because girls like it.
but i can’t help but think about this song in the context of the rest of their discography. throughout their music there this huge aspect of performative hypermasculinity. but because gabe saporta is Like That and in fact categorically not an alpha chad you get this interplay where, by doing the Straight Guy Club Song thing on the surface and having it amped up to 1000, i would argue that cobra starship is asking listeners to think abt the absurdity of the gender roles and culture they are mimicking/playing into, ie that of a cisheteronormative society. therefore one pretty straightforward reading of the song is that gabe saporta is portraying the experience of being a bisexual man who is in denial and dealing with internalised homophobia, who resorts to performative hyper-masculine heterosexuality and violence as a way to reframe his non-normative desires as something that aligns with the narratives of straight mainstream society.
i do think to some extent, given the context the song was written for (2008, right after obama won the presidency) there is also some element of the performativity of it, of doing it to piss off homophobes (who gabe saporta talks about like. being people in his audience at his shows screaming fag at him or finding him after to harass him, which is a context that in 2022 is kind of lost on us, bc it is so easy to consider homophobes this weird outgroup who would never go to a cobra starship show, but that wasn't the case then obviously) it may not be solely a nuanced depiction of bisexuality, but i do definitely believe it is not one or the other, but rather both
with this in mind, the mv adds some pretty interesting details.
except for the opening shots, gabe saporta is filmed mostly alone in a white room. this visually references the psychiatric institution which “girl, interrupted” takes place in. this in itself could serve reference being trapped within the confines of “normal” straight society. one of the themes of “girl, interrupted” is the conflation of social nonconformity with insanity. it’s not much of a leap to therefore read the mv as gabe saporta making reference to the way society enforces a very limited range of acceptable expression of sexuality and gender, and punishes anything that strays too far outside of that.
gabe saporta is also shown through closeups to have various number tattoos (both in roman numerals and in latin numbers) that could reference a patient identification code, or again the idea of being a cog in the machine of straight society
(those are the roman numerals for 69. haha nice. the gay sex number.)
the final shot also has some interesting symbolism. it's the first time you can clearly see that the tattoo on his upper back is a cross, plus the pose and the way the light forms wings around him. it’s clearly a reference to the crucifixion, although i haven’t exactly come to a firm conclusion on what that means narratively. one possibility is that gabe saporta is portraying himself as a martyr, suggesting that he is being open about having queer experiences and dealing with the homophobia that comes from that so that it is easier for other queer people to talk more easily about their experiences in the future. it might also be important that he is very openly exposing a large amount of skin. it indicates a level of sexualisation or sexuality, but also at the same time, vulnerability.
anyway. gabe saporta’s physicality and performance for the mv also strikes me as important. for most of the mv, gabe saporta is demonstrated to be in control. he is physically dominant over the other man, but his power and control are also established by the way he is very purposefully putting on a persona and performing for the camera.
not to insanely over analyse this shot by shot, but there are two notable exceptions.
for example, in this shot he is going to change his whole expression and push the other guy away in a second or two, but in the moment does absolutely not seem to be in control of the impulse to kiss him. and though he still has the power in the situation, with his hands on the other guy's face, he’s moving in almost like it is out of habit or desire, rather than a plan
and then this one.... i have less to say but look how happy they are!! gabe!! what is this!!
it’s notable that these “breaks in character” both indicate a desire for other men, but also for emotional intimacy.
there’s a lot more that could be said about the every single tiny detail of this mv (the baseball bat, the bracelets, the sungalsses) but this post is already way too long so i guess you just have to brainrot about those things first hand
#cobra starship#gabe saporta#long post#they shouldn't give me adderall it just makes me really good at focusing on analysing cobra starship
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im the jpop anon. thank you for the long and thoughtful reply! :)
yeah, theres something really wrong with kpoppers. i actually remember what perfume video the "fat legs" comments were from - it was their first budokan concert back in 2008, i think they were wearing the pink outfits (or perhaps the yellow ones from drream fighter). i think what those kpoppers might meant were kashiyukas thighs, since she wore very short shorts in the pink outfits, and while her legs are thin her thighs are plumper. but like, thats literally what makes her known as "the hot one" among fans. like shes very renowed for having very nice legs, and in general its normal for women to have bigger tighs and wider hips. i guess one could just shrug it off as kpop fans being salty and petty, but many kpop girl members have crazy thin legs. like if you look up snsd aka girls generation, youll realize that many of their promotional images have them with really skinny legs. one of the very few kpop songs that i like is "gee" by this girl group, and i decided to look at the comments of the dance ver and some poeple were defending one of the girls because koreans fans were being mean to her for being "fat". i think she was called jessica or something like that, and i look her up to know which one of them was and like, if they didnt mention anything i wouldnt even have realized but her "problem" was basically that she had this "square-y" body type and that made her look like 0,5 millimeters bigger that the rest.
another thing that happened to me very recently was that i was looking for a notebook to buy and there were selling some with kpop groups in the cover, and i stumbled upon one that had this boy band named stray kids, and god dammit... these guys have such heavy plastic surgery like wtf... some of them look like literal wax figures its scary. i remember when kpop fans were saying it was racist how some people made fun of boy bands by saying they all looked the same, and sure, definitely some of them probably were, but you cant deny that some of these guys (and girls) dont end up looking the same when they get their faces botched up all to follow the same very narrow korean beauty standards.
and yeah, i can see the difference between kanon and akari, but i also think it was because kanon was much bigger than akari. like she even made fun of herselkf many times when she introduced herself. i always remember when michishige sayumi was asked which animal fit their teammates the best, and she said kanon was a hippo or an elephant 💀 i always got the impression that kanon making fun of herself like referencing she had a full meal before a performance so she was full of energy was a defense mechanism - a lot of fat people usually make fun of themseves because they want to do it before others can make fun of them first, like "look at me, im fat and i know it and dont take it seriously, please dont make fun of me because i already do it and it doesnt hurt me at all!".
speaking of sayumi, she once was also asked which helloproject group she would least like to be stuck with on an island, and she said berryz koubou because they seemed like they liked to eat alot.. im guessing she was referring to maasa and risako.
i wanted to say more but this got so fucking long lol sorry papi... perhaps ill send another message later...
Tbh Kpop visuals are so ridiculously filtered that I'm pretty sure those girls are made prettier and skinnier than they really are. People these days are soooooo freaking guillible and believe anything they see online. These girls get ps to oblivion and still need to be photoshopped like mad.... They're not perfect. Nobody is.
The thing is japanese idols aren't expected to look perfect like Korean do. Jpop idols aren't supposed to look 'flawless'. Perfume debuted when they were like 12-13 years old ; we saw them grow before our eyes, so if they did anything shady with their appareance everyone would have noticed. These women are soon 35 and still kicking.. - I wonder how these Kpop girls will look at that age 👀
I don't even think that Kpoppers know what "sexy" is anyway. What's stricking with Kpop is that despite how much polished their aesthetic are, they emanate 0% charisma. They give off an absolutely frigid energy. Every single of their move and face expression are policed. Kpop MV would make anyone epileptic so much shit is going on because that's how bad the artist themselves can't put it up themselves.
At least, old school jpop idols still have a lil bit of personality - which is why we still remember of them 10, 20 years later. The same couldn't be said for today's one tbh (I lost interest after Morning Musume 13./Michishige graduated because all the newcomers were more dull than the others... Even Riho who was hailed as The Ace of the group didn't leave the same impact as OG members (Ai Takashi, Tsuji Nozomi, Ai Kago, Maki Goto, Reina Tanaka, etc.) AKB48 fell off after the Kami 7 all graduated (the sister groups are meh).
But to be fair, the new Reiwa era (more conservative ) isn't just prone to leave raw personalities pop out in like that... Ai Kago stunts would have made her cancelled without afterthought or second chances today...😬 The idol group era is pretty much over in Japan. Right now, 'boring edgy' like Aimyon or Yonezu Kenshi are popping.
I can't bring myself to find Kpop boys attractive. Period. They are all ugly and I have no shame to say it because they were all much better before doing plastic surgery. So no it's not racist to say they all look the same because plastic surgery made them look the same - not their race...
I DARE someone to tell me the 2 dudes on the left aren't the same. The one at the top particularly looks like an otome game character 💀 like- he straight up looks like his face was DRAWN.
And you know what freaks me out the most? It's that from one picture to another THEY DON'T LOOK LIKE THEMSELVES??!?
Like wtf is this shit???
It's supposed to be the same band but the faces.... don't match others pictures 💀
You know society colllapsed now that stray kid dudes are considered attractive....when back in the day we had natural and authentic beauty like Takeshi Kaneshiro *sigh*
downgrade of the millennium. Mishima killed himself for this.
And you know what freaks me out the most about these kpoppers? It's that they seemingly don't "exist" beside these ridiculous doctored photoshoot. Are there any candids of them out and about in the street? Without perfect lightening, angle and filters? Tbh I wouldn't be surprised they are AI or shit like that.
Perfume look the same when they do bc....they arent botched
Michishige is RUTHLESS 😭 I mean, in Morning Musume she had the persona of being a narcissist so it makes sense she put down other girls for not being as pretty as her. But yeah dunking on a girl who's like a decade younger than you is shitty. Those idol group are shoving together girls from entire different generations (Michishige was in her mid 20s when she graduated and the youngest member of the group were like 13-14 years old 🥴) so awkward girldrama situations are bound to happen.... That being said, it's a very bad idea to get into an idol group if you're feeling awkward about your physically appearance... Kanon should've never been in Momusu, imo.
I always found Berryz Kōbō was much coherent than Morning Musume ; members were closer in age and experience. I was a smaller band and the lineup was consistent so you weren't lost in the amount of new faces every other years (like Momusu regular call for new members).
I think its fitting that some of its members love eating when they have a song called 1億3千万総ダイエット王国 ("A kindgom of 130 million [people] complete diet[ing]") *the population of Japan is of 125 million but I guess the evened it out for the song that was kinda critical of diet culture. Good for them tbh And that song was bop. Berryz Kōbō truly delivered the few years before disbanding.
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Stranger Things X Country Music
Okay? Here’s the thing, stranger things is in small town Indiana, most of the teens there know how to use a weapon, and the Byers were taken hunting on their birthdays, that’s a hicktown. As someone from small town south, everyone is raised a little on country and has a soft spot for at least one song, regardless of main music taste. Our “before he cheats” if you will. So here’s my list of 80s-early 2000s country that I think would be the stranger things characters’ (from Hawkins so no Max and Billy) favorite country song with lyrics and an added headcanon type thing
ALSO country is mainly just narrative poetry out to music, trigger warning for death and suicide
Jim Hopper
Don’t Take the Girl - Tim McGraw (1994)
“Take the very breath you gave me
Take the heart from my chest
I’ll gladly take her place if you’ll let me
Make this my last request
Take me out of this world
God please, don’t take the girl”
He cried the first time he heard it because it made him think of all of the awful things life unfolded for the women in his life, still cries at the last verse despite none of the women in his life dying in childbirth. He relates to the hopelessness of it
Eleven Hopper
Stay Beautiful - Taylor Swift (2006)
“You’re beautiful
Every little piece, love, don’t you know?
You’re really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
And when you find everything you’ve looked for
I hope your love leads you back to my door”
El still has that childlike adoration of beauty well into her early adulthood and Taylor’s debut album really spoke to her. But stay beautiful really reminds her of people like Max, Mike, and Nancy who she always saw as beautiful and could see the good in
Will Byers
Wildflowers - Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt, and Emmylou Harris (1987)
“The hills were alive with wildflowers
And I was as wild, even wilder than they
For at least I could run, they just died in the sun
And I refused to just wither in place
Just a wild mountain rise needing freedom to grow
So I ran gearing not where I’d go”
Will is someone still heavily attached to the wild feeling of not having worries as a child because of losing the tail end of his childhood to the upside down, the idea of comparing that to the beauty of flowers brings him comfort
Johnathan Byers
He Didn’t Have to Be - Brad Paisley (1999)
“And then, all of a sudden, oh it seemed so clear to me
How we went from something’s missing to a family
Looking back, all I can say about all the things he did for me
Is, I hope I’m at least half the dad that he didn’t have to be.”
I’d like to believe that at some point (probably post season 2) Johnathan began to see Jim as some sort of father Figure, thinking of him comforting himself and his mother when they thought will was dead and how he put himself into caring for will after the upside down. He idolizes the way he cared for their family when he didn’t have to because Lonnie never did
Joyce Byers
One Promise Too late - Reba McEntire (1986)
“Where were you
When I could have loved you
Where were you
When I gave my heart away
All my life I’ve been dreaming of you
You came along one promise too late”
It makes her think of her younger self in combination with her feelings for Jim. The constant promises getting in the way of finding their way to each other
Nancy Wheeler
Strawberry Wine - Deana Carter (1996)
“The fields have grown over now
Years since they’ve seen the plow
There’s nothing time hasn’t touched
Is it really him or the loss of my innocence?
I’ve been missing so much”
Nancy definitely associates the song with Steve and her season one self. Unsure of if she really misses who she was with Steve or just who she was before the upside down tore her understanding of life apart
Mike Wheeler
I’m Still A Guy - Brad Paisley (2008)
“Well, love makes a man do some things he ain’t proud of
And in a weak moment I might
Walk your sissy dog, hold your purse at the mall
But remember that I’m still a guy”
This song has a lot of energy of a man trying to cling to his own masculinity in insecurity which I think Ike relates to a lot. Especially in this point where he can only tell people he loves that he loves them when they’re in danger, he relates to this concept of clinging to what makes a man a man like his father does
Lucas Sinclair
Heads Carolina, Tails California- Jo Dee Messina (1996)
“We’re gonna get out of here if we gotta ride a Greyhound bus
Boy, we’re bound to outrun the bad luck that’s tailin’ us
Oh, heads Carolina, tails California
Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer”
Lucas after getting Max and himself wrapped into the upside down drama begins growing obsessed with the idea of running away with her and just getting her out of Hawkins before she can get hurt again, he doesn’t care where, just somewhere safer
Erica Sinclair
That Don’t Impress Me Much - Shania Twain (1997)
“Oh no, alright alright
You’re Tarzan
Captain Kirk maybe?
John Wayne?
Whatever, nuh-uh
That don’t impress me much”
This is a song on her getting ready mixtape, definitely singing along to it while getting ready in her young adulthood. The energy of it reminds her of the fire her younger self had
Dustin Henderson
Somebody Like You - Keith Urban (2002)
“There’s a new wind blow in’ like I’ve never known
I’m breathing deeper than I’ve ever done
And it sure feels good
To finally feel the way I do
And I wanna love somebody, love somebody like you.”
Dustin associates his adult freedoms and his love for people who surround him as this new breath of air after basically parenting his own mother. The love he finds in adulthood feels like coming up for air, breathing that first deep breath when you come out the water
Steve Harrington
Live Like You We’re Dying - Tim McGraw (2004)
“And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I’ve been denying
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying”
Steve truly does believe that his brush with death in dealing with the upside down found it’s way to bettering him. despite the trauma he gained he sees himself for having a new love for life and the people in it from how easy it was to lose people to the monsters of that other world, he finds it relatable
Robin Buckley
9 to 5 - Dolly Parton (1980)
“Working 5 to 9, you’ve got passion and a vision
‘Cause it’s hustlin’ time, a whole new way to make a livin’
Gonna change your life, do somethin’ that gives it meanin’
With a website that is worthy of your dreamin’
Well you got dress and you know they matter
Be your own boss, climb your own ladder”
Robin would LOVE how Dolly makes herself an individual with her style and definitely seems like someone who would love to follow her own passions but lives in fear of not being able to make a living off of it. She’d love 9 to 5
Eddie Munson
Whiskey Lullaby - Alison Krauss and Brad Paisley (2003)
“The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind”
Hear me out, Eddie would NEVER admit to actually liking this song or any country of that matter. But I think he tends to take on guilt for things that aren’t his fault and he’d find something really relatable in a sad away about Alison’s verse. Also I believe in the country music to emo music pipeline, so this is a song that would be on the list to getting him into darker lyrics in my opinion
Chrissy Cunningham
She’s In Love With The Boy - Trisha Yearwood (1991)
“But Katie’s young and man
She just don’t care
She’d follow Tommy anywhere
She’s in love with the boy
She’s in love with the boy
She’s in love with the boy
And even if they have to run away
She’s gonna marry that boy some day”
Chrissy seems very into the idea of true love and keeping an image up. And the idea of running away with someone who truly loves her is something that has her twirling around her room while she gets ready
#stranger things headcannons#stranger things season 4#stranger things#country music#jim hopper#eleven hopper#will byers#johnathan byers#joyce byers#mike wheeler#nancy wheeler#lucas sinclair#erica sinclair#dustin henderson#steve harrington#robin buckley#eddie munson#chrissy cunningham
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I’ve always said my stance on Michael McIntyre is he was fine on WILTY (his car story was a good one), came off as nice enough that time he subbed in for an episode of Russell Howard and Jon Richardson’s radio show while Russell was in Australia, and otherwise everything I’ve heard about the sort of thing he does makes me think it’s not interesting enough for me to seek it out. So I haven’t heard his stand-up, meaning it’s a little disingenuous the way I laugh along to jokes made by other comedians about it, since I don’t actually know. Maybe he’s brilliant and I’ve just never checked. More likely, I thought, he’s probably fine, and has just been arbitrarily picked as the go-to example of bland accessible shitty mainstream comedy, and then that reputation snowballed more every time someone else used him as an example, until he was probably unfairly considered the absolute pinnacle of that.
That’s what I thought before today. Today, I listened to season one of 4 Stands Up, a BBC Radio Four show from 2007-2009. It’s pretty cool, each episode features three different comedians doing a short stand-up set. In between you get the host, which is Michael McIntyre in season one, Rhod Gilbert in season two, and Chris Addison in season three. I’m currently about halfway through the fourteen total episodes, and it’s nice. A cool way to hear a little at a time of a bunch of different UK stand-ups who were around (anywhere from up-and-coming to fairly well established) in 2007, 2008, and 2009. I recommend it to anyone who’s sort of interested in stand-up comedy but doesn’t know enough about it to have a good idea of who they like – this is a good way to get a sample of a lot of them so you can download full shows from the ones you like and ignore the ones you don’t. I certainly haven’t enjoyed all of it so far, but some has made me laugh.
Anyway, the thing that connects the two above paragraphs is that all four episodes in season one were hosted by Michael McIntyre, and I can now confirm that he is everything people say. Weirdly, he is exactly what people say. I say it’s weird because it’s the sort of comedy that I normally only hear from the mouths of comedians who are making fun of that type of stand-up. But Michael McIntyre is doing it unironically, while sounding generally smarmy and annoying, and it is not good.
So yep, it turns out all of the comedians who spent all of 2009-ish to 2016-ish using Michael McIntyre as their example of a comedian that all other comedians fucking hated, they had a point. I mean, he might be a nice enough guy, and it’s quite possible that most of those comedians didn’t really hate him and were just jumping on the collective snowball (somewhat ironically, as talking shit about Michael McIntyre on a panel show is doing an easy cliched thing, which is exactly what they all accuse McIntyre of doing, the fact that it turns out to be an accurate accusation doesn’t make it less cliche), but his comedy is definitely irritating. They’re right about that.
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The reason why gamers and gaming companies are the reason why the gaming industry is at its last legs:
Let's start with the gamers:
Gamers:
After further observation of the way you people operate with your stupid political correctness in the form of a slang dictionary, you people give a bad rap to the gaming industry and community because you're also demanding with your 4K and 2K digital waste of resources. This also deals with streamers who are very very popular and waste their network resources on a single stream towards twitch or any other place that accepts that type of medium.
P2p/p2w? I would rather see that fed down your throats as freemium because that is the actual definition and the actual legitimate definition of your slang...
And trust me you don't like me telling you this because you know it's true but instead you act like it's false because you don't want yourselves exposed. Well that's my exposition for you guys because you're just as stupid as the companies which I'll explain about here momentarily.
The only video game that I have ever played was bejeweled and that was it.
But as a result of this, I was lucky enough to start developing a c++ game in popcaps original framework from 2008 called sci jewel. And yes the version number starts at 4.00. uh oh Yalek.... Spoiler alert...oh diiiiick... Yeah. this game will pretty much break all the necessary regulations that were put in place by companies and gamers themselves especially for the PC on Windows Linux and apple/mac OS. Mobile might take some time though...
Here's another thing for you gamers... You don't really understand the open source mindset with video games because you would rather make money with it. That's a problem in my eyes because as I see it video games are software and should be treated as entertainment, and should not hold ownership by a corporate entity. Even Indie / independent developers should have no right to own something unless they are trying to hold a leadership role for it..
Companies, such as EA, Nintendo, Activision, square enix, etc:
What I will never understand is why you think owning an entire genre of video game is the coolest thing that ever happened to you...
Well it's not. Once a genre has been made it can be remade either for the better or for the worse. Depends on the type of person who wants to develop it.
Also you enslave your programmers to do things that would seem disrespectful to their own identity. Well here's the thing okay... The programmer is the one that's writing the code and they can determine whether or not they can listen to you executives or not. They have every right to say no, and if you ignore this, is coercion in the first degree and is an actual federal crime. May not be rape, but coercion is close to it. Also shouldn't the programmer be determining solutions for the executives instead of the executives dictating what goes into what goes out of it? Because one of the executives don't know what the heck they're doing which a lot of them don't...? What are the game accidentally leaks code or crashes their whole system? And there's no way to get community input because you executives try to get your way by having your own system developers /debuggers debug the application instead having the community do it for you.
For both gamers and the companies: start cooperating with each other and start understanding that a piece of software is just a piece of software and should not be treated as a greedy means of existence.
I guess I'll add on to the streamers here too...
Y'all have no right to stream. Because you don't have any understanding of being able to realize that your network bills are going to be much more than what your stream income is going to be. Stream income is one of the worst forms of income to ever come by because there's no way that you guys are going to be able to afford, in today's age, the. necessary housing, water, and bills that the worldwide capitalisocioeconomy is trying to induce unto you all. And I personally believe your guys' popular ignorance will catch up with you in the end.
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Friday, 9 June 2023
Yesterday I lamented the fact that we didn’t get to see the old soap that Abe was watching (on videotape!) at his kidnapper’s house. Today, though, more than makes up for this egregious omission.
Behold: Body and Soul!
(Okay, I posted these caps separately because I was so very excited about them. So you may have already beheld.)
Okay. So. First, the DiMeras.
Megan restates the central premise of her “you have to marry someone to get the Von Leuschner family fortune so it might as well be Gwen” argument.
Dimitri is reluctant, but let’s be honest: he calls his mother “mother.” This guy is about 1/3 that guy from the Manchurian Candidate, 1/3 Buster Bluth and 1/3 Seymour Skinner. He’s obviously going to do exactly what she tells him to do.
Then Kristen (in this weird but exceptionally cleavagey dress) asks Megan what she needs with all this VonLeuschner VonLoot and Megan hints at a plot that involves actual world domination.
At the pub, Harris Michaels shows up, continuing to have no friends in this town and no real purpose for being here. He looks remorseful (pretty much his only move right now) at Roman and Kate for a minute.
Then Roman leaves and Kate gets down to business. “You want a job?” she says. “I’ll hire you to murder Megan Hathaway.” (I don’t think she knows about the DiMera declaration yet.)
Harris considers this, probably because he knows full well that he’s gonna need SOMETHING to do if he intends to stick around in Salem. But then he decides against it because he’s “trying to be good” now that he’s finally shaken himself loose from Megan’s brainwashing.
(Oh, but I forgot to mention that Megan strongly hinted that she’s gonna reactivate Harris as part of her whole world domination thing. Which feels like something you should probably know.)
Gwen returns to her home at the Salem Inn.
(So many characters have lived in this hotel room. Probably because it’s cheaper than decorating a set to serve as a specific character’s home. I’m almost certain we blew the entire set budget for 2023 on the stuffed cats at Nurse Kim Coles’ house.)
Leo vents to Gwen about having visited his Horrible Mother in prison. (This is where Horrible Mothers belong. There or Florida.) And with this cursory attention to a backstory and some actual emotions, Leo continues his transformation into an actual character rather than a sad collection of dick jokes in ugly outfits.
He and Gwen commiserate over bad parents and a distinct lack of love in their lives. And they make a pact to marry each other if they continue to strike out. Which is something I’m certain they’ve said before, but I’ll give them a pass because… again, Leo’s actually acting like a person today and I want to encourage this behavior.
Then Gwen leaves and there’s a knock at the door and it’s Dimitri. Is he still mad that Leo stole some vital component to the doomsday device he was trying to assemble in the Beyond Salem miniseries? I suppose we’ll have to wait till Monday for the answer to that one!
Back at the hospital, Paulina is still recovering from her panic attack (after a quick break to go harass Colin at the police station). She runs into Nurse Kim Coles and they do the tired dance of “does Paulina know that this is the woman who may have (definitely did) kidnapped Abe?” but no, of course she doesn’t.
Then Rafe shows up and says “hey, I knocked on your door for like an hour today but I guess you were here.”
Right, I also forgot to mention that Rafe knocked on her door for like an hour. Actually, I’m not forgetting these things so much as having difficulty writing about each plot thread separately when they intersect like this. Stop making the show so dynamic, Days writers!
Finally, Abe is still watching Body and Soul and not answering the door.
But then he gets to a part in Nurse Kim Coles’ VHS tape where a 2008 episode was interrupted by a news break involving… Mayor Abraham Carver!
And Abe’s all “wait a minute, that’s me! Maybe I have amnesia like that guy in that stupid soap opera I’ve been watching.” And I’m still trying to figure out if this is a genius level of meta-storytelling or maybe they just took things a little too far.
It’s gotta be the first one, right?
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“I was trying to chart out the arc of [Jack’s] romance, which for much of the development - it was actually very late that it became a male/female-only romance,” Brian Kindregan tells me. Kindregan was the lead writer for Jack. “She was essentially pansexual for most of the development of that romance.”
“Mass Effect had been pretty heavily and really unfairly criticized in the US by Fox News, which at the time... maybe more people in the world thought that there was a connection between reality and what gets discussed on Fox News,” Kindregan continues. “The development team of Mass Effect 2 was a pretty progressive, open-minded team, but I think there was a concern at pretty high levels that if [the first] Mass Effect, which only had one gay relationship, Liara - which on paper was technically not a gay relationship because she was from a mono-gendered species - I think there was a concern that if that had drawn fire, that Mass Effect 2 had to be a little bit careful.”
Interestingly enough, Courtenay Taylor - who played Jack in Mass Effect 2 - also expressed that she was originally supposed to be a pansexual character. In a recent chat, Taylor said:
“It’s funny to me because my understanding was always that she was pansexual. So I don’t know if that’s just something I inferred from the character or something that she said that maybe got cut. I was surprised there wasn’t a female romance possible because that was my understanding. I think it was the time, you know? That was, what - 2008/2009? The industry has changed exponentially since then, and BioWare was leading the charge on that. I don’t know if it came down to a budget constraint or maybe someone being like ‘this is too obvious’ because everyone was like ‘of course she’s a lesbian.’ But my sense was always that she was [pansexual] and it just didn’t get followed through. Of course, the community modded it immediately so you can have it your way.”
As Jack’s writer, Kindregan explains that he didn’t necessarily agree with the decision to change her sexuality. He understands why it happened, and says “it wasn’t like some anti-gay person high up on the Mass Effect 2 team saying, ‘we’re not going to have that’.” Instead, it had to do with the firestorm of controversy that Mass Effect had received back in 2007, and attempting to minimize the amount of critique that would be directed towards the community by outlets like Fox News again. “The short version is, a lot of us were asked pretty late to focus the relationships on a more traditional kind of vector,” Kindregan says.
“I’ve definitely heard a lot from people who were surprised that Jack turned out to not be open to that,” he continues. “I understand why. I would say that there were a lot of seeds planted in her conversations that certainly implied that she was pansexual - she once specifically references being part of a thrupple. She says there was a guy and a woman she was running with that invited her into their robberies and into their bed. She definitely references those things. That was explicitly to start sending the message that yes, this is a character who is pansexual. In the eleventh hour revision of cleaning that up, she’d already been partially recorded with voiceover. Not all of that could be changed.
“I would say even with the things I could change, and I don’t know if this was the right decision or not, I still saw her as a character with an edge,” Kindregan says. “Not edgy, but with an edge of not following traditional norms. I think I might have, even during the revision process, kept some of that stuff in there with a sense of like yeah, this is a person who’s been around and done a lot of things, went off the farm and down to Paris.”
Ultimately, though, Jack became a romance option that was exclusively available for male Shepard, despite the fact that both her writer and actor agree that she was originally supposed to be pansexual. 2010 was only three years after the infamous Fox News Mass Effect debacle, and so BioWare was reluctant to follow through on some of the ideas that were specifically put in place early in development.
[on Samara] [She] expresses that she has feelings for you but ultimately turns you down - Kindregan compares it to someone saying, sure, I’ll be with you, but I’m in love with this other person and I’ll ditch you for them if they come calling.
“I’ve worked with lesbian developers who have come up to me and said like, ‘Why is Jack not into me?’” Kindregan says. “And I have to say ‘I’m so sorry, it’s partially my fault.’ But I still stand by the thing of keeping her with a more varied background. Maybe someday Jack will be portrayed as pan.”
[source]
#bioware#mass effect#lgbtq#video games#queerphobia cw#queerphobia for ts#long post#longpost#mj best of
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i'm so excited about you taking asks again ahhhh okay so. if you'd absolutely had to choose. what would be your top 5 cockles moments, and why? thank you ily <3
here’s the thing: there are so many routes i could go down with this, because cockles moments come in all shapes and sizes and formats. these include moments from their panels, their bloopers, the footage we get when they don’t even know they’re being recorded, stories being passed down from photo ops & autographs(one of my personal favorite ways to get cockles, tbh, because they’re all insane), and social media(tweets to each other, instagram posts & comments, etc.).
SO! since many a list like this has already been made, and i want to stand out from the crowd, what i’m gonna do is definitively give the number one spot to each of these five categories.(i might even throw in honourable mentions because they’re so despicably in love that they warrant that. i really put my whole pussy into this, guys, i hope you’re happy.)
disclaimer: these are my own personal opinions. but that also means i’m right. so. enjoy.
number one: top cockles panel moment
so we’re starting off with a bang, because how do you even BEGIN to rank what atrocities jensen and misha commit at jibcon. every single one they’ve had is damning in it’s own right, for different reasons.
however, considering just how much unabashed fuckery they’ve given us to sift through, it’s a good thing i do have a personal favorite despite it all. it’s heartwarming, the sweetest thing i’ve ever seen, AND it’s jarringly cinematic - mainly because it has a whole ass arc to it that was years in the making. it might even be surprising to some people, but my favorite cockles panel moment, and what i consider the one that encompasses their entire gut-wrenching journey from 2008-2013 in the most sweepingly romantic gesture possible, is this one.
i want this burned into my retinas. i am not even joking. when i'm through with my explanation, let me convince you why this is thee most romantic cockles moment of all time.
first, some history: people call this the resume off, but many seem to forget the botched attempt at a resume off a year prior. and yes, you guessed it: it's during their break up. it's a juicy time period for a reason, guys. it came across as exceedingly one-sided and VERY awkward. let me refresh your memory as to just how bad it was, and just how hard jensen was trying and ultimately failing at winning misha over: the funniest part of the whole resume off in 2013??? every joke/bit had literally already been made/done. they were just going through the motions again, but the difference THIS time...is that misha reciprocated jensen's energy. it. is. fascinating. i want to get into it more detail in another post, and i'll link it here when i'm done, but the main takeaway, i think, and the main difference that showcases how much they've grown in a year, is that in jib 3, misha flat out refused to do an accent, and this time around, he indulges jensen for literal minutes. when i tell you they're crazy, they're crazy. i can't wait to actually dive into it later.
ANYWAY, the resume off culminates in this moment here. and, like, a million things happen in this gifset. actually, more like a million and one. the music starts playingneediremindyouthatthesongissingingintherain(h e l p), misha starts dancing, jensen 'perpetually fake grumpy' ackles lets misha think he's not going to join, misha sits down defeated, but no!!! that was jensen's plan all along(look at his stupid fucking smirk) and he offers his arm to his dance partner who immediately grins like a fool, jensen then leads misha into their kick step, they perfectly synchronise and let loose, and are then very clearly having the time of their lives, hanging off of each other with joy and ease. from their expressions alone i can tell that this moment is so. so. so. so! much more than what initially meets the eye. i mean-misha is fighting back the biggest smile i've ever seen. to me, it reads like jensen is offering something to misha, something that misha kind of gave up on expecting, and him offering his arm like that is like, a surprise to him in the best possible way(and it's so not platonic, let me just say that.) as soon as jensen did that, it ushered in a new era of cockles. this panel is jensen and misha's favourite for a reason, and i think this moment is the biggest clue as to why.
whew!!! ok. that took a lot out of me and that was only point one. moving on,
number two: top cockles blooper moment
cockles bloopers hold an extremely special place in my heart, because it shows just how fucking disastrous jensen and misha are. they are so goddamn infatuated with each other that they HOLD UP PRODUCTION ALL THE TIME TO FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER(???). let me repeat. let it sink in. jensen ackles; arguably one of the most professional actors on that show who puts everything he has into each scene, with mountains and mountains of notes to prove it: would rather hold up production to flirt with misha collins. this sounds fake. it's not. he does it. all. the. time. and here's the thing guys!!! i'm gonna let you in on a secret!!! misha loves it. he loveesssss it. on top of that-misha collins: overlooked because he's pranked and people assume he's unprofessional as well, but his only pranks are in retaliation/off-set, and he rarely if EVER causes problems if he can help it....lets himself get carried away when it comes to jensen making kissy faces at him!!! are you actually kidding me!!! i mean. misha. it's just a face. you've seen it a million times. i don't buy that it triggers something in you that strongly....you like it, and you like jensen's reaction. you can't fool me!!! lisa berry's face in that one gifset shows just how fed up the crew is with their gross, coupley boyfriend antics.
i could pull up so many examples. sooooooo many. but my favourite was sealed since the moment i saw it.
i actually already wrote an analysis on it but i can't find it :(((( which SUCKS because i really unpacked the whole thing. i'll try to summarise.
basically, a backstory is part of this too!!! jensen and misha both had a really really hard time with this scene(because it's explicitly romantic there i said it), they sat down for hours and poured over their scripts together, they were super super nervous going into filming, both of them, jensen especially, were super hard on themselves for their performances not being true to their characters but they both complimented the other's work(boyfriend moments fr). so, yeah. they weren't confident going into shooting. and how do they get themselves to feel better???? by cuddling each other, apparently.
a lot. a LOT. happens in this specific blooper. to the point that i saw it years before i knew about cockles and it raised all sorts of flags for me.
1) stop pulling my face towards your crotch(as a thinly veiled request that misha would, in fact, move jensen's face towards his crotch, considering it was jensen moving himself there in the first place. also, why so comfy down there guys???) 2) you're my baby daddy i know(in the most intimate voice i've ever heard please) 3) i know, i know, i love you too i didn't say i love you i know but you wanted to say it etc. misha's right, of course. that's what jensen meant.
it just reeks of comfort, familiarity and intimacy between the two, and it's a moment that is extremely sweet and silly at the same time. they're so <3
number three: top cockles found footage moment
WONDERFUL category. truly the culmination of the cockles experience. many people have said that shipping cockles doesn't work because 'they're just onstage you dummies!! they're playing it up for the audience!!!' here's the thing, love. i could not disagree with you more. once you climb your way up the cockles ladder, you soon learn that they are, in fact, playing their dynamic DOWN, not up. they really are just Like That™, and they could not care less about the paying audience, if we're being honest, considering how much time they take to giggle with each other and refuse to let the audience in on the joke. and i love them for it <3
anyway, my point is that this category is for all you naysayers out there, all you 'jensen and misha's relationship is just for show and is real life queerbaiting'(?????lordhelp???) oh yeah? ok, explain this.
he. he. he calls jensen sweetheart. literally enough said. there's nothing to really add here, except, misha and jared then immediately engage in damage control. jared's method is distraction and misha's is retconning('get out of the car, dude') this was what got me to buy into the cockles dumpster for GOOD good. you don't call your buddy sweetheart accidentally and sound so completely earnest while doing it! especially not when that buddy is jensen ackles!!! you think he would let any of his friends call him that? do you?
one more thing; if it was a slip of the tongue, little mouth thing or whatever, you think jared wouldn't have jumped on it immediately??? i can hear it now. 'did you just call him SWEETHEART???' yeah. that's what i thought. you know why he didn't? because it was too revealing.
number four: top cockles autograph moment
i mean, i think we all know what it's gonna be, and if you don't, well, do i have the piece de cockles resistance that is gonna send you over the edge.
if you haven't heard of this story by now, as a cockles, truther, i'm gonna go ahead and get you to read it, because there is no possible heterosexual explanation for any of it, and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.
spoiler alert: it's the story where phones weren't allowed in an auto session, jensen nuzzles himself in misha's hair, leans his full body weight onto him, holds his hand, etc. etc. i'm imploding just repeating this back, actually. also, just, the sheer amount of stories from photo ops where they tackle hug each other or slap each other's asses or sing romantic songs to each other or almost kiss is, frankly, a lot. if i could wish for anything, it would be to witness them in person.
and finally,
number five: top cockles social media moment
this one is super difficult, because there's obviously a lot to choose from. but you know what? full send, i'm going with this one:
i just. what to say about this. how often do misha and jensen watch sunsets together for it to qualify as ‘always’ ??? why are sunsets synonymous with their relationship??? that’s like??? a very romantic thing????? ‘this guy’??? the fact that it’s a CANDID??? i don’t know guys.
that could have been better but i am TIRED so. there you go rose ily
#cockles#cockles ask#liz answers#i really just. spend hours. writing about misha and his boyfriend.#why. why do i. do that#long post for ts
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The Most Important Review of Every Single Marwan Kenzari Film
If you’ve seen this one about Luca, you know the drill.
Now, Marwan’s brand is a little less defined than Luca’s but I managed to find similar tropes in a lot of his films. Also, rather than copy myself and give you a redundant Marwanmeter, I decided instead to recommend which Luca character best pairs with each Marwan character for your crossover pleasure. Let’s see if we ship the same things! Some of them are crack. You’re welcome.
(all gifs again by the awesomely amazing @weardes who did not ask to be my gif factory but life’s a bitch)
Het zusje van Katia (2008)
Will you miss him if you blink? Kinda. They talk about him a lot but his actual screen time is like 43.7 seconds. Also can I just say... he’s supposed to be from Italy?? The boy says literally one (1) Italian word, and you’ll never guess what it is. (Obviously, it’s “bella” like there’s a chance he could’ve said anything else.)
Is he hot? Painfully hot.
Is he naked? There’s this one scene where he’s wearing the sluttiest pair of speedos I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
Does his hair look great? Actually, yes. Perfect hair, perfect beard, he looks amazing.
Does he fuck? Yes, a lot - off screen, including an M/M/F threesome he presumably, probably, most definitely initiated.
Best paired with? From what I’ve gathered, this hoe ain’t loyal, so the best course of action is to find him a Luca that would benefit from a one night stand with no strings attached and wouldn’t fall in love with him. The obvious choice here is Valerio from Slam - Tutto per una ragazza. They meet, they fuck, then Giac makes his 4-hour drive back to Pisa, and they don’t see each other again until the next time he’s in Rome. Everybody’s happy, especially the two sluts in question.
De laatste dagen van Emma Blank (2009)
Will you miss him if you blink? Yes, absolutely.
Is he hot? Very.
Is he naked? Almost constantly.
Does his hair look great? He’s got those cute short curls, he looks so good.
Does he fuck? That’s literally why he’s there: to fuck and to die.
Best paired with? Man, I wish I had something to work with here. The only thing we know about him besides his sexual prowess is his affinity for white suits and toy helicopters. And as far as I know, those might be the exact things Fabrizio from Nina finds hot in guys. So like, why not?
Loft (2010)
Will you miss him if you blink? He’s the fifth most important character.
Is he hot? Yeah, sure.
Is he naked? There’s a scene where he’s wearing underwear and a tank top but it somehow makes him look like a kindergartener.
Does his hair look great? It looks quite nice.
Does he fuck? Yes, though I wish he didn’t.
Best paired with? Tom is a very violent person and a drug addict. He does messed up stuff to his sexual partners I’d rather he didn’t do to any of Luca’s characters. Feel free to use him for your sadistic fantasies or as a villain or whatever.
Rabat (2011)
Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s one of the three leads.
Is he hot? Oh yes! And cute!
Is he naked? He’s at the beach wearing nothing but boxer shorts.
Does his hair look great? He’s got this extreme undercut thing that would look ridiculous on anyone less pretty, so like no, he doesn’t have great hair, but also like it’s Marwan, you know what I mean?
Does he fuck? Before he embarks on a road trip with his friends, he has an offscreen threesome with two girls he picked up at a wedding. Slut.
Best paired with? Gabriele from Waves. They’re both sweet guys who could meet in some Tunisian port and decide to sail the Mediterranean Sea together.
Black Out (2012)
Will you miss him if you blink? Not unless your blinking is very deliberate.
Is he hot? Not really. He’s a dirty cop with a shitty moustache and oral fixation.
Is he naked? No, but I wish he was: his clothes are awful. Marwan is 29 in this movie and he looks 50!
Does his hair look great? Nope. They took Marwan’s usual short hair and made it not work somehow.
Does he fuck? No.
Best paired with? The one thing Luca’s characters all have in common is that none of them come off as bootlickers. All of them are either too soft for such a relationship or wouldn’t waste their spit on a cop.
Wolf (2013)
Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the protagonist.
Is he hot? *gestures wildly at the gif*
Is he naked? He’s got quite a few shirtless scenes.
Does his hair look great? It’s nothing special but suits his character well.
Does he fuck? Oh yes.
Best paired with? Hear me out. I know that some people ship him with Fabio, but in my opinion that pair, while hot, doesn’t work. Here’s my pitch: Cesare from Non essere cattivo. The drug connection is still there, but in this case Majid’s problem-solving skills won’t fall on deaf ears. Cesare needs a daddy, ok? Majid can be a daddy when he needs to, especially when he has a soft boyfriend to care for. And Majid needs soft, not psycho.
Hartenstraat (2014)
Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the protagonist once again.
Is he hot? Painfully.
Is he naked? There’s that iconic scene where he’s wearing nothing but black boxer briefs and boots while carrying a tray...
Does his hair look great? He’s got Joe-like curls and looks like what every male romantic lead should aspire to look like and then cry because they all fail.
Does he fuck? There’s one very unfortunate sex scene played for laughs. I’m pretty sure he’ll need therapy afterwards. I certainly do.
Best paired with? Paolo from Il padre d’Italia. Paolo deserves the best boyfriend, and who’s better than Daan, an extremely hot man who cooks? They both have daughters, so they can talk about that, I guess, and Paolo can finally have a family. Honestly, this is so wholesome I just made myself cry.
Lucia de B. (2014)
Will you miss him if you blink? For sure.
Is he hot? He’s a cop. Again. But he looks good.
Is he naked? Fully dressed, but man are his clothes ugly. Is that a cop thing?
Does his hair look great? He has slightly longer curls, which is fine and the best thing about this character.
Does he fuck? ACAB. (I know this doesn’t answer the question, I just wanted to make it clear.)
Best paired with? See my bootlicker comment from earlier. While Detective *checks notes* Ron Leeflang isn’t explicitly corrupt, he’s obviously a dick, so the best I can do here is recommend any Luca character that has ever been in trouble with the law for any fics about power imbalance you want to write but aren’t comfortable with a nice Marwan playing the villain.
Bloedlink (2014)
Will you miss him if you blink? Oh no, he’s there the entire time.
Is he hot? In a weird way, yes.
Is he naked? So, so, so naked. Like, leave nothing to the imagination naked.
Does his hair look great? I’d say that little rat tail is the exact opposite of great.
Does he fuck? Probably more than is good for him. I should also add that he’s canonically queer in this.
Best paired with? Rico is a pathetic loser in need of someone who’s got his life together and has a lot of experience dealing with fuckups. Enter Loris from Il mondo fino in fondo. He has a stable job and a savior complex, and with his little bro gaying it up in Chile and not needing him anymore, all he wants right now is someone to fix. I should be a fucking matchmaker in real life, for real.
Pak van mijn hart (2014)
Will you miss him if you blink? Undoubtedly.
Is he hot? No. The whole point of his character is to be the lesser choice compared to a guy who looks like a completely ordinary bland white dude...
Is he naked? ...so of course he isn’t naked! What, are they gonna take this poor woman, show her Marwan Kenzari’s post-Wolf body and expect her to choose her deeply mediocre ex? Please! They’re gonna dress him in the dorkiest clothes possible...
Does his hair look great? ...and make him wear the most awful wig that was clearly run over by a truck.
Does he fuck? No. As you can observe, they tried really hard to make him unfuckable, but honestly, he seems like a perfectly nice guy.
Best paired with? You know what? Mattia from La solitudine dei numeri primi is in desperate need of some sweetness and normalcy. I’m sure Richard will treat him with kindness and respect.
Collide (2016)
Will you miss him if you blink? He’s the fifth most important character. Out of five.
Is he hot? Very hot.
Is he naked? Not for a second! What’s up with American movies where people aren’t just casually walking around naked without any plot necessity???
Does his hair look great? His curls are so cute you guys! Look at them!
Does he fuck? Not explicitly.
Best paired with? Fabio from Lo chiamavano Jeeg Robot. Again, the drug connection is there, but Matthias is soft enough not to butt heads with Fabio and, by the end of the movie, rich enough to satisfy his cravings for good living and fame. Also look at how good their color coordination is with those dark wine red clothes! Sometimes planets just align, okay?
Ben-Hur (2016)
Will you miss him if you blink? Yes, especially if you aren’t watching the background.
Is he hot? Your usual Marwan hot.
Is he naked? No.
Does his hair look great? His typical short curls with a twist. I think the forehead area is supposed to invoke the Caesar cut? I don’t know. It looks fine when not hidden under that dumb helmet.
Does he fuck? No.
Best paired with? A better script and a much better director. (Seriously, what is this blocking?)
The Promise (2016)
Will you miss him if you blink? He’s there a decent amount in the first half of the movie and then almost completely disappears in the second half.
Is he hot? Very much, yes.
Is he naked? Unfortunately, no.
Does his hair look great? He’s got short curls again, but this time they’re fashionably styled, it’s magnificent.
Does he fuck? Oh yeah! And there’s no way he isn’t bi or pan in this. No way.
Best paired with? Roberta from L’ultimo terrestre. Listen, Emre Ogan may be a slut but he’s a gentleman, okay? He’d treat Roberta right and he’s got daddy’s cash to spare on hundreds of gorgeous white dresses for her.
The Mummy (2017)
Will you miss him if you blink? He’s there, but barely.
Is he hot? Dangerously hot.
Is he naked? Not once! Instead we get a naked Tom Cruise literally no one asked for.
Does his hair look great? It’s your basic professional short hairdo.
Does he fuck? No.
Best paired with? Malik is a member of an organization tracking and destroying various monsters and historical artefacts related to them. Guido from Tutti i santi giorni speaks four languages, including Latin, and is a literature and ancient history nerd which makes him a valuable asset. Malik can fight and protect; Guido is bumbling and in need of saving. Guys, this writes itself.
What Happened to Monday (2017)
Will you miss him if you blink? No, especially not in the third act.
Is he hot? He’s okay.
Is he naked? Very naked.
Does his hair look great? They shouldn’t have greased his curls back. He looks like another victim of Fabio Cannizzaro’s stylist. Also I wish he’d either shaved or finished growing out that beard.
Does he fuck? He fucks and he fucks good. He’ll go down on you, he’ll deflower you slowly and gently, he’ll choke you if you want him to, he’ll spoon you all night, he’ll give you emotional support, he’ll murder people for you - he’s down for whatever.
Best paired with? There’s one Luca character who needs a lot of sex and even more emotional support. Alright, most of them do, but I’m thinking of Ettore from Lasciate andare. He needs it, okay? Good dicking, good spooning, a good ear, a fine piece of ass to cry into - you get the gist. Most importantly: someone who’d love him for who he is and with whom he could relax and be himself. (Also, I see you, people comparing him to Fabio. Shame on you for sleeping on this soft boy and judging him based on his appearance.)
Murder on the Orient Express (2017)
Will you miss him if you blink? He’s kinda always present, being very French.
Is he hot? Very hot.
Is he naked? No, but I’m willing to forgive that because he looks so good in his conductor uniform.
Does his hair look great? He never takes off his hat.
Does he fuck? No.
Best paired with? Mickey Miranda. They’re both murderers morally dubious characters who would look hot together. What else do you need? (Again, I see you, people who want Pierre for Roberta because he’s a “nice guy”, and I know for a fact you didn’t watch the movie. Spoilers, I guess.)
The Angel (2018)
Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the protagonist.
Is he hot? Oh yes.
Is he naked? Not once, but you won’t regret it because he’s wearing excellently stylish 1970s clothes.
Does his hair look great? It looks fantastic. The sideburns (not yet seen here) are a good touch.
Does he fuck? He can definitely get it, but he’s loyal to his wife.
Best paired with? As the most aesthetically coherent and fashionably hot pair in this post, Ashraf and Primo are a no-brainer. Can you imagine Primo calling him “Angel” in different contexts? When he’s being intimidating, not realizing how palpable the sexual tension between them is, and later not even hiding his arousal? Sometimes things just work because they’re hot. That’s all, folks.
Aladdin (2019)
Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the main villain.
Is he hot? It’s not like he went viral for being the “hot Jafar” or anything.
Is he naked? No! Fucking thanks a lot, Disney.
Does his hair look great? He has a buzz cut under that turban but he looks good in the turban, so that’s something.
Does he fuck? It’s a Disney movie, so he doesn’t fuck - explicitly or otherwise - but he still comes off as a thirsty bitch.
Best paired with? Jafar ends the movie as a genie who’s obligated to grant his master three wishes but is enough of a petty bitch to exploit the hell out of the “gray area” and screw them over Wishmaster style. My unconventional pair for him is Lui from Ricordi? So many scenarios with distorted memories and magic-induced mindfuck. So many possibilities for awesome and messed up crossover gifsets! Don’t say I never give you guys anything.
Instinct (2019)
Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s very prominent.
Is he hot? I hate myself for finding him hot but I do.
Is he naked? He’s playing basketball shirtless in one scene, shaking his sweaty boobs everywhere.
Does his hair look great? His weird mohawk-like thing is honestly terrible, but if anything can make it work, it’s Marwan’s bone structure.
Does he fuck? Um, I’m pleading the Fifth on this one for the sake of good taste.
Best paired with? Prison. A very lonely, Luca-less prison.
The Old Guard (2020)
Will you miss him if you blink? No, unless blinking in your case means sleeping through the gloriousness that is the first ever canonically gay couple in an American action film.
Is he hot? Painfully.
Is he naked? Shirtless in one scene.
Does his hair look great? Soft curls courtesy of Luca Marinelli’s tireless lobbying.
Does he fuck? Not on screen, but you can just tell by the way he looks at his husband and reads impromptu poetry right to his face. And everybody knows nothing kindles the fires of passion quite like murdering homophobes together.
Best paired with? If you have to ask, you’re clearly reading this by mistake. In which case, kudos for finishing such a long and confusing post, now go watch The Old Guard and cry at the beauty that is The Immortal Marriage.
#marwan kenzari#luca marinelli#the old guard#and other movies#i'm lazy#immortal husbands#and their parallel versions i guess#crossover ships galore
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Re: the post you reblogged about Bush. I'm 21 and tbh feel like I can only vote for Bernie, can you explain if/why I shouldn't? Thanks and sorry if this is dumb or anything.
Oh boy. Okay, I’ll do my best here. Note that a) this will get long, and b) I’m old, Tired, and I‘m pretty sure my brain tried to kill me last night. Since by nature I am sure I will say something Controversial ™, if anyone reads this and feels a deep urge to inform me that I am Wrong, just… mark it down as me being Wrong and move on with your life. But also, really, you should read this and hopefully think about it. Because while I’m glad you asked this question, it feels like there’s a lot in your cohort who won’t, and that worries me. A lot.
First, not to sound utterly old-woman-in-a-rocking-chair ancient, people who came of age/are only old enough to have Obama be the first president that they really remember have no idea how good they had it. The world was falling the fuck apart in 2008 (not coincidentally, after 8 years of Bush). We came within a flicker of the permanent collapse of the global economy. The War on Terror was in full roar, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were at their height, we had Dick Cheney as the cartoon supervillain before we had any of Trump’s cohort, and this was before Chelsea Manning or Edward Snowden had exposed the extent of NSA/CIA intelligence-gathering/American excesses or there was any kind of public debate around the fact that we were all surveilled all the time. And the fact that a brown guy named Barack Hussein Obama was elected in this climate seems, and still seems tbh, kind of amazing. And Obama was certainly not a Perfect President ™. He had to scale back a lot of planned initiatives, he is notorious for expanding the drone strike/extrajudicial assassination program, he still subscribed to the overall principles of neoliberalism and American exceptionalism, etc etc. There is valid criticism to be made as to how the hopey-changey optimistic rhetoric stacked up against the hard realities of political office. And yet…. at this point, given what we’re seeing from the White House on a daily basis, the depth of the parallel universe/double standards is absurd.
Because here’s the thing. Obama, his entire family, and his entire administration had to be personally/ethically flawless the whole time (and they managed that – not one scandal or arrest in eight years, against the legions of Trumpistas now being convicted) because of the absolute frothing depths of Republican hatred, racial conspiracy theories, and obstruction against him. (Remember Merrick Garland and how Mitch McConnell got away with that, and now we have Gorsuch and Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court? Because I remember that). If Obama had pulled one-tenth of the shit, one-twentieth of the shit that the Trump administration does every day, he would be gone. It also meant that people who only remember Obama think he was typical for an American president, and he wasn’t. Since about… Jimmy Carter, and definitely since Ronald Reagan, the American people have gone for the Trump model a lot more than the Obama model. Whatever your opinion on his politics or character, Obama was a constitutional law professor, a community activist, a neighborhood organizer and brilliant Ivy League intellectual who used to randomly lie awake at night thinking about income inequality. Americans don’t value intellectualism in their politicians; they just don’t. They don’t like thinking that “the elites” are smarter than them. They like the folksy populist who seems fun to have a beer with, and Reagan/Bush Senior/Clinton/Bush Junior sold this persona as hard as they possibly could. As noted in said post, Bush Junior (or Shrub as the late, great Molly Ivins memorably dubbed him) was Trump Lite but from a long-established political family who could operate like an outwardly civilized human.
The point is: when you think Obama was relatively normal (which, again, he wasn’t, for any number of reasons) and not the outlier in a much larger pattern of catastrophic damage that has been accelerated since, again, the 1980s (oh Ronnie Raygun, how you lastingly fucked us!), you miss the overall context in which this, and which Trump, happened. Like most left-wingers, I don’t agree with Obama’s recent and baffling decision to insert himself into the 2020 race and warn the Democratic candidates against being too progressive or whatever he was on about. I think he was giving into the same fear that appears to be motivating the remaining chunk of Joe Biden’s support: that middle/working-class white America won’t go for anything too wild or that might sniff of Socialism, and that Uncle Joe, recalled fondly as said folksy populist and the internet’s favorite meme grandfather from his time as VP, could pick up the votes that went to Trump last time. And that by nature, no one else can.
The underlying belief is that these white voters just can’t support anything too “un-American,” and that by pushing too hard left, Democratic candidates risk handing Trump a second term. Again: I don’t agree and I think he was mistaken in saying it. But I also can’t say that Obama of all people doesn’t know exactly the strength of the political machine operating against the Democratic Party and the progressive agenda as a whole, because he ran headfirst into it for eight years. The fact that he managed to pass any of his legislative agenda, usually before the Tea Party became a thing in 2010, is because Democrats controlled the House and Senate for the first two years of his first term. He was not perfect, but it was clear that he really did care (just look up the pictures of him with kids). He installed smart, efficient, and scandal-free people to do jobs they were qualified for. He gave us Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor to join RBG on the Supreme Court. All of this seems… like a dream.
That said: here we are in a place where Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Elizabeth Warren are the front-runners for the Democratic nomination (and apparently Pete Buttigieg is getting some airplay as a dark horse candidate, which… whatever). The appeal of Biden is discussed above, and he sure as hell is not my favored candidate (frankly, I wish he’d just quit). But Sanders and Warren are 85% - 95% similar in their policy platforms. The fact that Michael “50 Billion Dollar Fortune” Bloomberg started rattling his chains about running for president is because either a Sanders or Warren presidency terrifies the outrageously exploitative billionaire capitalist oligarchy that runs this country and has been allowed to proceed essentially however the fuck they like since… you guessed it, the 1980s, the era of voodoo economics, deregulation, and the free market above all. Warren just happens to be ten years younger than Sanders and female, and Sanders’ age is not insignificant. He’s 80 years old and just had a heart attack, and there’s still a year to go to the election. It’s also more than a little eye-rolling to describe him as the only progressive candidate in the race, when he’s an old white man (however much we like and approve of his policy positions). And here’s the thing, which I think is a big part of the reason why this polarized ideological purity internet leftist culture mistrusts Warren:
She may have changed her mind on things in the past.
Scary, right? I sound like I’m being facetious, but I’m not. An argument I had to read with my own two eyes on this godforsaken hellsite was that since Warren became a Democrat around the time Clinton signed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, she sekritly hated gay people and might still be a corporate sellout, so on and etcetera. (And don’t even get me STARTED on the fact that DADT, coming a few years after the height of the AIDS crisis which was considered God’s Judgment of the Icky Gays, was the best Clinton could realistically hope to achieve, but this smacks of White Gay Syndrome anyway and that is a whole other kettle of fish.) Bernie has always demonstrably been a democratic socialist, and: good for him. I’m serious. But because there’s the chance that Warren might not have thought exactly as she does now at any point in her life, the hysterical and paranoid left-wing elements don’t trust that she might not still secretly do so. (Zomgz!) It’s the same element that’s feeding cancel culture and “wokeness.” Nobody can be allowed to have shifted or grown in their opinions or, like a functional, thoughtful, non-insane adult, changed their beliefs when presented with compelling evidence to the contrary. To the ideological hordes, any hint of uncertainty or past failure to completely toe the line is tantamount to heresy. Any evidence of any other belief except The Correct One means that this person is functionally as bad as Trump. And frankly, it’s only the Sanders supporters who, just as in 2016, are threatening to withhold their vote in the general election if their preferred candidate doesn’t win the primary, and indeed seem weirdly proud about it.
OK, boomer Bernie or Buster.
Here’s the thing, the thing, the thing: there is never going to be an American president free of the deeply toxic elements of American ideology. There just won’t be. This country has been built how it has for 250 years, and it’s not gonna change. You are never going to have, at least not in the current system, some dream candidate who gets up there and parrots the left-wing talking points and attacks American imperialism, exceptionalism, ravaging global capitalism, military and oil addiction, etc. They want to be elected as leader of a country that has deeply internalized and taken these things to heart for its entire existence, and most of them believe it to some degree themselves. So this groupthink white liberal mentality where the only acceptable candidate is this Perfect Non-Problematic robot who has only ever had one belief their entire lives and has never ever wavered in their devotion to doctrine has really gotten bad. The Democratic Party would be considered… maybe center/mild left in most other developed countries. It’s not even really left-wing by general standards, and Sanders and Warren are the only two candidates for the nomination who are even willing to go there and explicitly put out policy proposals that challenge the systematic structure of power, oppression, and exploitation of the late-stage capitalist 21st century. Warren has the billionaires fussed, and instead of backing down, she’s doubling down. That’s part of why they’re so scared of her. (And also misogyny, because the world is depressing like that.) She is going head-on after picking a fight with some of the worst people on the planet, who are actively killing the rest of us, and I don’t know about you, but I like that.
Of course: none of this will mean squat if she (or the eventual Democratic winner, who I will vote for regardless of who it is, but as you can probably tell, she’s my ride or die) don’t a) win the White House and then do as they promised on the campaign trail, and b) don’t have a Democratic House and Senate willing to have a backbone and pass the laws. Even Nancy Pelosi, much as she’s otherwise a badass, held off on opening a formal impeachment inquiry into Trump for months out of fear it would benefit him, until the Ukraine thing fell into everyone’s laps. The Democrats are really horrible at sticking together and voting the party line the way Republicans do consistently, because Democrats are big-tent people who like to think of themselves as accepting and tolerant of other views and unwilling to force their members’ hands. The Republicans have no such qualms (and indeed, judging by their enabling of Trump, have no qualms at all).
The modern American Republican party has become a vehicle for no-holds-barred power for rich white men at the expense of absolutely everything and everyone else, and if your rationale is that you can’t vote for the person opposing Donald Goddamn Trump is that you’re just not vibing with them on the language of that one policy proposal… well, I’m glad that you, White Middle Class Liberal, feel relatively safe that the consequences of that decision won’t affect you personally. Even if we’re due to be out of the Paris Climate Accords one day after the 2020 election, and the issue of climate change now has the most visibility it’s ever had after years of big-business, Republican-led efforts to deny and discredit the science, hey, Secret Corporate Shill, am I right? Can’t trust ‘er. Let’s go have a craft beer.
As has been said before: vote as far left as you want in the primary. Vote your ideology, vote whatever candidate you want, because the only way to make actual, real-world change is to do that. The huge, embedded, all-consuming and horrible system in which we operate is not just going to suddenly be run by fairy dust and happy thoughts overnight. Select candidates that reflect your values exactly, be as picky and ideologically militant as you want. That’s the time to do that! Then when it comes to the general election:
America is a two-party system. It sucks, but that’s the case. Third-party votes, or refraining from voting because “it doesn’t matter” are functionally useless at best and actively harmful at worst.
Either the Democratic candidate or Donald Trump will win the 2020 election.
There is absolutely no length that the Republican/GOP machine, and its malevolent allies elsewhere, will not go to in order to secure a Trump victory. None.
Any talk whatsoever about “progressive values” or any kind of liberal activism, coupled with a course of action that increases the possibility of a Trump victory, is hypocritical at best and actively malicious at worst.
This is why I found the Democratic response to Obama’s “don’t go too wild” comments interesting. Bernie doubled down on the fact that his plans have widespread public support, and he’s right. (Frankly, the fact that Sanders and Warren are polling at the top, and the fact that they’re politicians and would not be crafting these campaign messages if they didn’t know that they were being positively received, says plenty on its own). Warren cleverly highlighted and praised Obama’s accomplishments in office (i.e. the Affordable Care Act) and didn’t say squat about whether she agreed or disagreed with him, then went right back to campaigning about why billionaires suck. And some guy named Julian Castro basically blew Obama off and claimed that “any Democrat” could beat Trump in 2020, just by nature of existing and being non-insane.
This is very dangerous! Do not be Julian Castro!
As I said in my tags on the Bush post: everyone assumed that sensible people would vote for Kerry in 2004. Guess what happened? Yeah, he got Swift Boated. The race between Obama and McCain in 2008, even after those said nightmare years of Bush, was very close until the global crash broke it open in Obama’s favor, and Sarah Palin was an actual disqualifier for a politician being brazenly incompetent and unprepared. (Then again, she was a woman from a remote backwater state, not a billionaire businessman.) In 2012, we thought Corporate MormonBot Mitt Fuggin’ Romney was somehow the worst and most dangerous candidate the Republicans could offer. In 2016, up until Election Day itself, everyone assumed that HRC was a badly flawed candidate but would win anyway. And… we saw how that worked out. Complacency is literally deadly.
I was born when Reagan was still president. I’m just old enough to remember the efforts to impeach Clinton over forcing an intern to give him a BJ in the Oval Office (This led by the same Republicans making Donald Trump into a darling of the evangelical Christian right wing.) I’m definitely old enough to remember 9/11 and how America lost its mind after that, and I remember the Bush years. And, obviously, the contrast with Obama, the swing back toward Trump, and everything that has happened since. We can’t afford to do this again. We’re hanging by a thread as it is, and not just America, but the entire planet.
So yes. By all means, vote for Sanders in the primary. Then when November 3, 2020 rolls around, if you care about literally any of this at all, hold your nose if necessary and vote straight-ticket Democrat, from the president, to the House and Senate, to the state and local offices. I cannot put it more strongly than that.
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