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traumatictouch · 3 years

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why tomura reads like a sexual abuse survivor

ive noticed that a lot of survivors - including me - easily read tomura as a csa survivor. ive decided to try to put these impressions into words, mostly for myself, but also for anyone curious as to why he’s so frequently read this way, or why i personally write him as such. i will mostly be elaborating on the reoccurring sexual assault imagery and csa survivor traits tomura exhibits.

triggering themes ahead, including discussed child sexual abuse, incest (sibling and pseudo), trauma and its effects, and sexual assault imagery (from the bnha manga itself). also spoilers for the most recent manga arc.

(disclaimer: i realize symptoms of trauma are pretty much common all across the board, and depression also comes with a lot of these behaviors - but there are some that crop up more commonly in cases of sexual abuse (especially from a young age) than in others. csa survivors also frequently end up with depression, too, so that doesn't necessarily take away from it.)

i’ll start with the cover above. the hands touching him here are much more expressive than the ones he usually wears. it's also framed in a way where you can't see the ends/cap things very well, and they don't appear so symmetrical, making them feel much more like real, living hands grabbing him.

there's also the fact that his face is exposed, which is something we had rarely seen him do willingly at this point in the manga, and even when he had he was still covered up with a hoodie or completely alone. the way he's covering half his face gives off the impression that he's not okay with the way he's exposed.

all of that, plus the obvious distress tomura is in, gives this very glaring assault vibes.

also, the hands on his head are clearly someone's actual, living hands as well. my guess is afo, especially since they seem to be petting him, which is reoccurring imagery between tomura and afo.

tomura's total lack of privacy

there's a clear lack of boundaries between tomura and the adults in his life. most of the spaces that seem to belong to tomura (the bar - he feels safe enough there to take Father off, and his room) are accompanied by cameras and audio transmissions from afo. he has no privacy, and doesn't even seem bothered by this fact.

he also doesn't seem to set boundaries with other people in general. toga can hold a knife to his neck, spinner can grab him and yell in his face, the doctor can shout over his earpiece, dabi (or anyone, really) can say whatever rude or callous things he wants to him… really the only time i can think of that even comes close was when mr. compress made a joke about working with overhaul and tomura said "hey, not funny."

he seems to kinda just let whatever happen to him. earlier in the series, tomura seemed to rely on kurogiri to notice when he needed space and step in for him rather than ask for it himself. that's a pretty telltale sign of someone who's had their needs and boundaries violated (or even punished) for a long time.

Tomuras over-attachment to afo and his praise/affection

obviously afo groomed tomura whether it involved sexual abuse or not, but it is something that could have easily lended itself to that as well. early in the series, tomura clearly highly valued afos opinion of him, and seemed to strive to please and repay him for his kindness. these are feelings afo incited in him on purpose and did, canonically, take advantage of to turn tomura into a villain and pawn - who's to say he didn't use it for other purposes, too?

it's also the kind of thing survivors tend to latch onto to cope with their abuse. it can be easier to think of the event as being affection, returning a favor, and/or special treatment, than to think of it as abuse. tomura looked up to afo so much that it's possible he could have considered (or been convinced) that it was special that someone as great as afo wanted to do something so intimate with him.

also, if this is really tomura realizing his sensei isn't as special and powerful as he'd been led to believe, then his reaction being to cover up while looking angry might, well… be a reaction to feeling used.

Tomura & older men

there's not a lot of people besides afo that tomura seems very quickly, openly… invested in. there are two major ones i can think of, and they are both 1. older men, and 2. mentor figures (even if not to tomura.)

the most obvious of the two is aizawa, who tomura has seemed pretty fond of since his first appearance and, even in the most recent chapters, can't seem to help but think about how cool aizawa is. aizawa isn't a mentor to tomura, obviously, but he is a teacher and tomura knows this. (and seems impressed by the way he tries to protect the students in his care--something afo very specifically does not do for tomura.)

the second, and perhaps less obvious to most, is Stain. i wrote up a whole post trying (trying.) to explain the way tomura seemed interested in him, and you can see a bit more about that and how tomura was hoping he'd be a mentor to him here.

in other words, tomura has shown reoccurring interest in older men, who are mentors, that he does not show for anyone else.

early sexual abuse can influence a person's attractions. survivors tend to be drawn to what is familiar, even if it hurt, and so it's pretty common for them to be attracted to and/or desire a relationship with those who resemble their abuser(s).

and afo is an older man who is a mentor to tomura (and others.)

immaturity (& age regression)

tomura, in early canon, is often described by characters in-universe as being childish, especially in regards to how he processes his emotions. (i don't really like to conflate these things with "age" or "being childish" - but the way the manga itself presents these qualities is clearly intended to give tomura a immature/childish vibe.)

tomura's emotional processing, simple motivations, fixation with video games, toys littering his room, and need for close caregiving (kurogiri) all give off the impression that he's had trouble developing the way he "”should”" have--kind of like he didn't really move on at all.

this sort of stunted development tends to occur in people with childhood trauma, especially csa survivors. ptsd at its core is the brain getting "stuck" in the moment of trauma, so if the trauma occurred as a child, then one's development is somewhat halted there, especially in areas of emotional processing, because the brain and body have to dedicate so much energy to just trying to cope and survive. it's pretty common for csa survivors to have trouble coping with and controlling their emotions.

relatedly: i have no real way to confirm this right now, but i’ve heard that during the mla arc, while tomura was kind of going in and out of flashbacks, he started switching to using “boku” - a self pronoun for young boys - as opposed to his usual “ore”). ive since had to wonder if this is a reoccurring state for tomura - it might partly explain why he keeps his toys around despite never showing interest in them on-screen, and has such close supervision from kurogiri.

again, age regression can go for any kind of childhood trauma, but seems very common in child sexual abuse survivors in particular.

Lack of hygiene (esp oral)

look at how tomura's teeth are drawn compared to even another villains. dabis teeth are straight and clean, whereas tomura's have holes and chips, and tend to be drawn uneven with wobbly lines, like they're covered in plaque.

not caring for one's hygiene is common for people with depression too - but failure to care for teeth also frequently crops up in survivors of sexual abuse, due to an aversion to things touching or being inside their mouth, because it can remind them of the abuse.

in a similar vein, tomura's hair looks unwashed and greasy to me, especially when it gets long. it sort of gathers in clumps and appears heavy. survivors may avoid taking showers because they aren't comfortable removing their clothes for long periods of time, or because the abuse occurred in proximity to bathing. (which is a convenient time for parental figures to groom and abuse their children, since it already involves them being naked and the parent touching them closely.)

in general, there just seems to be something off about tomura's relationship with his body. maybe it's the way he barely bats an eye at major injuries, doesn't care for his hygiene, self-injures, and didn't mind undergoing a surgery that altered its shape and function pretty heavily--but i get the impression that tomura sees his body as just a tool more than anything.

which, if someone grew up having their body regarded as nothing but a means of pleasure, kind of makes sense.

his clothing

im not sure if this has the same “connotations” (for lack of a better word) for flat chested people, but tomura always wearing a lowcut shirt that shows off a fair amount of his chest, but covering the rest of himself head to toe--including his face--feels significant to me. as well as the way he covers up even more (his hoodie) when he’s stressed. the hands, too--being covered up seems to be calming for him.

the placement of the hands afo gave him

you can't tell me little tenko placed these hands where they are by himself. the ones on his chest aren’t even from his family or meant to resemble them - they’re additional hands afo gave him to wear. pretty weird place for “afo”’s hands to go...

I feel like theres a little bit something to tomura frequently having his clothes ripped off during fights

not that it's particularly uncommon for bnha characters to get their clothes a bit shredded during fights, but i can't help but feel like there's something to tomura getting torn down to nothing but his pants twice, with both battles heavily involving tomura's traumas, including the ones related to afo. the vs mla arc with how tomura met afo and how he turned him into what he is today, then the war arc where the methods afo used to control and abuse tomura (the hands) are brought back again--and afo repeatedly takes tomura's bodily autonomy away from him.

AFO's predatory behaviors

tomuras own behavior aside, All For One himself has some behaviors and imagery that gives off very predatory vibes. i’ll start with Ragdoll…

most people theorize that she was going to be turned into a nomu, but there are two important things here. ragdoll was found 1. alive, and 2. naked. all nomu are made from corpses - if afo had time to take her quirk and undress her, he certainly had time to kill her, especially since three days had passed since she was kidnapped. (and, what benefit would there be to making a nomu out of a quirkless hero?)

her dazed state is also curious - we've never been told taking or giving quirks has a side effect like this, and i would think itd at least wear off after three days…

there's also not actually a lot to suggest she was submerged in one of the tanks (that i know of); in the full body image, she doesn't seem to be soaking wet or anything. there's no water dripping off her. there's just a bit of liquid on her face and neck, which could merely be sweat, or… other fluids.

this next part is more debatable due to it being more dubiously canon (although My Hero: One’s Justice has been known to basically spoil villain related lore before it appears in the manga) - but he has some dialogue that makes him sound... pretty fuckin enthusiastic about sexual violence.

and time and time again, afo has been... very creepy and obsessive about his brother. who happens to look an awful lot like tomura, and is vaguely connected to nana as a user of OFA, and we know how far afo would go to spite both of them.

The "wow this is pretty much confirmed now" page

i always thought i was just projecting when i read tomura as a csa survivor - until i saw this page, which was so viscerally uncomfortable that it made me nauseous. it definitely made me decide i wasn't just reading into things that weren't there. that's not exactly to say this panel 100% confirmed it (though it certainly did in my mind, personally) -- but the imagery here can't not be deliberate.

tomura is literally shirtless and bent over before afo, and sure, afos not completely standing behind him, but that's partially because his lower half is inside of tomura. and from our previous example of afo taking over tomura's body…

i wish i could find the translation i first saw - this is the viz translation, which is notoriously horrible - but the one i read felt much more along the lines of "i saved you, so i get to do what i want with your body."

that is a line of logic that could have EASILY applied to their earlier relationship. the way afo saved tenko was very much on the forefront of tomura's mind early in the series, possibly either an idea he clung onto to justify the abuse he experienced from afo, or something afo personally reminded him of frequently.

also… part of afos body is definitely wrapped around tomura's upper thigh, and in certain panels seems to be emanating from between his legs.

speaking of, tomura's stance is also notable to me. compared to the panel where tomura first realized afo was taking control of him, where his knees are pretty straight on or outwards in a powerful balanced brace, in these panels his knees seem to be bending in towards his body, like he wants to squeeze his legs shut. huh.

i touched on this before, but it's interesting to me that what finally let afo fully take control of tomura's body, was having a hand (one afo very specifically used to control and abuse tomura into doing what he wanted) placed upon his body without permission.

so, all in all, afo is "inside" tomura's body, using it for his own means, against tomura's wishes.

what else does that sound like? no wonder deku feels like tomura needs help, despite everything...

again, this isn't to say that csa is definitely the cause of these things, just that tomura does have an abundance of behaviors and imagery that could easily be read that way.

#shigaraki tomura #tomura shigaraki #Tenko Shimura #boku no hero academia #all for one #afo bnha #bnha #long post #ITS FINALLY HERE #i did my best i hope it makes sense #csa tw #child abuse tw #meta #ooc

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whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst · 3 years

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Texts from the Lost Tomb part 6.1

🎶 Back on the bullshit I never got off🎶

Is this another unnecessary story arc?? With three sections??

Yes.

Wushanju Crew Chat

Wang Meng: You know, I’m someone who appreciates consistency in my day. My life is pleasant, very few issues indeed if you ignore the big ones. And yet. Yet here we are. With unresolved messes at the end of a day.

Wang Pangzi: SOMETHIN YOU NEED TO SAY MARY POPPINS

Wang Meng: We need to talk about Huo Daofu and the glittery bead curtain.

Wang Pangzi: MY FAVE TEEN WIZARD SERIES

Wu Xie: did you turn on that suggested word thingy lol

What glittery bead curtain

Wang Meng: I closed the shop at 6:00pm this evening on the dot. I locked all of the doors in and out of the shop very carefully, especially in light of recent events. The hall leading to the back office was empty. I filed the day’s paperwork, updated and sent emails, and then spent an extra hour organizing receipts and dusting. When I came back out, there were glittery iridescent bead curtains over the front entrance to the shop.

What could this mean?

Wu Xie: uh that you need to spend less time at work?

Wang Pangzi: LOOKS LIKE WE GOT ONE FOR THE DETECTIVES. THE MYSTERY OF THE BEDAZZLED THRESHOLD COMMENCES

Wu Xie: I think we can be relatively secure in thinking a glittery bead curtain isn’t a hostile threat

Wang Pangzi: SAYS YOU

I REMEMBER YE OLDE EXPLORATION TIMES HOW FAST THINGS GOT FURIOUS

BEANBAG CHAIRS SET AFLAME AND LEFT ON DOORSTEPS AS A WARNING

GLITTERBOMBS FOR DAYS

PANIC AT THE DISCO

Wang Meng: Ugh, forget it. I should have just taken them down, regardless of who they belong to.

Zhang Qiling: They are not mine.

Wang Pangzi: A BOLD STATEMENT COMING FROM OUR PRIME SUSPECT

SOMEONE QUICK GO DRAW CHALK AROUND THE DOORWAY TO MARK THE SCENE OF THE CRIME

Wang Meng: Do we know anyone who *would* sneak in and put those up? For whatever reason, legal or not? Even as a joke?

Wang Pangzi: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING WHETHER WE KNOW ANYONE WHO IS CHAOTIC, AN OUTLAW, A PRANKSTER AND/OR SNEAKS INTO PLACES

BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN OUR SUSPECT LIST IS LITERALLY EVERYONE WE KNOW EXCEPT FOR YOU.

Wu Xie: okay let’s think about this; for starters, I didn’t break into my own shop

Wang Meng: You would be in danger of doing some work in the process, that’s true.

Wang Pangzi: LOL

Wu Xie: ANYWAY let’s keep going. For example, Xiao Ge would only break in somewhere for a good reason. Xiao Ge, did you do this?

Zhang Qiling: No.

Wu Xie: okay who’s next

Wang Pangzi: YOU REALLY MISSED YOUR CALLING IN INTERROGATION TIANZHEN

REALLY PUT THE SCREWS TO HIM

IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE;)

Zhang Qiling: How can we be certain *you* didn’t do it?

Wang Meng: Admittedly that was my guess, too.

Wang Pangzi: WOW I SEE HOW IT IS

BLAME PANGZI AS USUAL

ANYWAY HOW DOES HUO DAOFU FIT INTO THIS

Wu Xie: Oh yeah him! Oops I got distracted

Wang Pangzi: UR ENTIRE HISTORY IN A NUTSHELL

Wu Xie: Ugh fuck off

Wang Meng what abt Huo Daofu??

Zhang Qiling: ?

Wu Xie: oh sorry xiaoge I didn’t realize you wouldn’t have spent much time around him last year

He and I go way back

Zhang Qiling: Way back where?

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: I CANNOT BELIEVE HE IS BUYING YOUR INNOCENT ACT

IF YOU EVER TURN TO EVIL WE ARE FUCKED

Zhang Qiling: ?

Wang Pangzi: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO HUO DAOFU IS

YOU WERE EXTREMELY POLITE AND BORDERLINE FRIENDLY TOWARDS HIM

Zhang Qiling: I wanted him to feel welcome. I wanted to be sure he understands he has a place here. A specific place.

Wang Pangzi: FOR A SILENT GUY YOU ARE A MASTER AT SUBTLE POWER PLAYS IM ALL TINGLY

LMAO THE IDEA OF WU XIE LEAVING YOU FOR HUO DAOFU IS HILARIOUS AND ALSO NOPE

Zhang Qiling: Rationally, I understand that.

Main Chat

Wang Meng: Huo Daofu is coming for the weekend—didn’t Wu Xie tell you? Wu Xie asked me to check in a week ahead so we could start getting ready for his arrival

Wu Xie: oh yeah I did do that

Wang Meng: Fortunately I know you and so I already went ahead and took care of everything.

Re: the trip

He made a deal with Wu Xie’s doctor that he would do periodic checkups on him here at Wushanju

Bc Wu Xie hates being in the hospital

And frankly the hospital hates him too

Wang Pangzi: FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT LOL

I FORGOT HUO DAOFU WAS DOING THAT

A VERY CHIVALROUS GESTURE

WOULDNT YOU SAY

XIOAGE

Zhang Qiling: Is it safe for him to be here with a criminal loose on the premises?

Wu Xie: Right, back to the curtain! Let’s focus on the curtain, hmm?

Wang Pangzi: I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND.

ALSO WE CAN RULE OUT XIAO BAI FOR THE CURTAIN SHE JUST SENT A SELFIE FROM NORWAY COVERED IN GREEN SLIME WITH ZERO CONTEXT, UR PROTEGE INDEED

Wu Xie: okay but who else would do something so oddly charming yet illegal and—wait.

Snake Eyes Chat

Wu Xie: hey, Glasses hasn’t been in touch lately right?

Li Cu: uh nope

Unless u count the outdated memes

Why, is money or Xie Yuchen missing

Or is this curtain related, I saw Wang Meng’s tweet

Wu Xie: haha no nothing to worry about really

(I mean maybe? but who knows)

Wang Meng is probably just getting a little paranoid in his old age

Li Cu: better than getting reckless and stupid as hell in ur old age

Wu Xie: …hey:(

Unknown Number: Li Cu, we discussed this.

Wu Xie: ????????

Li Cu: *sigh* fine, reckless and stupid as heck

Unknown Number: …close enough.

Wu Xie: EXCUSE who is that

Madame, Sir, Non-Binary Tree Spirit, etc—whomst the fuck

Are you

Li Cu is underage FYI

So Im staying on this chat

Li Cu: okay first of all, it’s not like that

Second of all I’m literally not underage I s2g

u threw the embarrassing surprise bday party, okay so u should remember

And C, that’s my counselor and I invited her. She wanted to meet u and I knew u wouldn’t agree to a visit so I added her to our chat

we have been discussing u

Wu Xie: Oh wow!!!!!!!

What a surprise:)

hi so nice to meet you:)

Main Chat:

Wu Xie: RED FUCKING ALERT

FUCK THE CURTAIN FUCK THE VISIT

IVE BEEN TRICKED INTO FAMILY THERAPY BY A SMUG TEENAGER WHO TEXTS UNKNOWN NUMBERS

Wang Meng: I assume that means something to someone here?

Not my problem? Good.

Wang Pangzi: AHAHAHA GOD I LOVE LI CU

HES LIKE ADORABLE KARMA FOR ALL THE SHIT YOUVE PUT ME THROUGH

IM RAISING HIS ALLOWANCE

Wu Xie: wait i give him an allowance

has he been collecting on two allowances??

Zhang Qiling: Three. I knew about both of yours.

Snake Eyes Chat

Wu Xie: so uh may I ask your name?

Unknown Number: you can call me Ms. Lee.

Now, if you’re comfortable talking in this format, why don’t you tell me how things have been going?

Wu Xie: oh everything is normal and fine and safe as usual, why do you ask:)

Li Cu: I heard about ur necklace thing. nice of you to NOT mention it.

another dangerous adventure. again. prick.

Ur lucky your cool boyfriend cares about you so much or you’d have already died like ten years ago

Wu Xie: lol try twenty years ago

Li Cu: That isn’t funny.

Unknown Number: …What?

Wu Xie: shit ur right, okay that was a bit glib, my apologies.

…I use humor as a coping mechanism?

Unknown Number: and Li Cu, how do you feel about that?

Li Cu: he doesn’t even know what that phrase means

He doesn’t cope, like ever

In fact

It’s kind of why we met

Which is a funny story in retrospect tbh

Wu Xie: haha what are you talking about sweetie hahaha need I remind you of certain anecdotes that could idk send me to jail maybe lmao

Unknown Number: …You know, perhaps an in-person meeting might be more effective?

Wu Xie: haha such a nice idea but why

Main Chat

Wu Xie: If I go to jail, I’ll have to create alliances for protection, right, that’s how it works on tv

Who do we know who spends time in jail

Other than Hei Yangjing, he’s only ever there for like 12 hours and i suspect he just gets himself arrested bc he enjoys the breaking out process

Also how’s the curtain case coming along

Zhang Qiling: Has someone threatened you?

Wu Xie: well not yet but soon I’m sure

Wang Pangzi: WHERE WAS THIS PARANOIA WHEN WE GOT TAKEN TO THE TEA HOUSE HUH

Snake Eyes Minus Your Fucking Therapist Chat

Li Cu: okay how tf did u pull off spy and undercover shit

u are sus as hell

Wu Xie: damn son is it pick on Wu Xie night

I missed the flyers or I would’ve invited my uncles

Also re: the curtain it’s been mostly solved

Li Cu: I’m not your son, idiot.

Wu Xie: …oh. Sorry, sorry, you’re right, bad choice of words, haha

Forget i said anything

Delete this chat even

Li Cu: shit I meant

Legally, biologically, I meant—

shit

…I turn into an asshole as a coping mechanism?

Wu Xie: oh that’s all okay! I have to go do something else now let me know if you need anything okay kid thanks!

Li Cu: goddamn it calm down who’s the kid here

lemme organize my thoughts so I can articulate my emotions fuckin healthily or w/e

Ugh maybe for like one afternoon we could go to Ms. Lee together? She knows how to word stuff

Wu Xie: uh…okay.

Li Cu: Anyway you don’t need to worry abt jail

As if you would survive prison for one day you’d piss off half the place in like an hour or less

I gave Ms. Lee the heavily edited version of the desert highway to hell roadtrip and i discussed it more in terms of like “nightmarish but still wouldn’t take any of it back”

Well maybe the sand

that shit was everywhere

Wu Xie: oh kiddo. It’s fine, really…You don’t have to explain yourself to me.

Li Cu: no, no it’s just

I do technically have a dad

who is an asshole. Being a son doesn’t really mean shit to me bc it sucked.

So you need to stop backing down just cuz ur guilty abt stuff. I’m really really glad ur not my dad in a good way. Do u get what I mean there

Where’s the mafia widower I followed into hell, huh

Wu Xie: Ur a good kid, despite my influence. I’m really glad you have someone to talk to after everything I…after everything. Wow this talking through feelings thing is kind of weird but nice ur right

Jfc no wonder it took me and xiaoge so long to—you know what, we won’t get into that

Li Cu: ew tmi

Also re: this week’s recent necklace fuckery

I moved my stuff here, I live here now

So you can’t die anymore

Or else…Idk I don’t have a threat planned

anyways abt the curtain

Wu Xie: oh my god, kid…kid you have no idea

I am in tears.

Li Cu: see this is why I can’t be nice to you I can sense the hallmark channel from here

Ugh don’t be sad in ur room that’s dumb

Go hug Pangzi or something

Maybe delete this chat

Or the curtain thing

Focus on the curtain thing

Just stfu and go away

Wu Xie: <3 screenshotting this <3

Li Cu: I take back everything I said. This is why Xiao Ge sleeps on the roof. I hope the ghosts of the Wangs put up that curtain to strangle you somehow. Go die in a stupid way, it’ll suit you.

Wu Xie: lol don’t worry I’m not gonna embarrass you with it or anything

Main Chat

Wu Xie: omg guys look how cute my kid is *sending screenshot*

Wang Pangzi: I MEAN

HE IS WISHING YOU DEATH

BUT SURE

CUTE I GUESS

Wu Xie: no but read the whole thing:):):)

Zhang Qiling: It is indeed very hard to remain angry with you. And you are welcome to join me on the roof.

Wang Pangzi: UH NOPE

NOT WHENI HAD TO BLEACH THE COUNTER IN THE KITCHEN

DONT TRAUMATIZE THE EARLY BIRDS THEYRE ALREADY FREAKED OUT BY U YA HOODIE CRYPTID

Wu Xie: ok true but babe ur like a sexy cryptid

Wang Meng: so, are we just accepting that there is a glittery curtain of unknown origin, and Huo Daofu is going to have to see it while he’s waiting for you at Wushanju bc you’re going to family therapy?

Wu Xie: right

Wang Pangzi: SHOULDA TAKEN EARLY RETIREMENT HUH

Wang Meng: I’m going to go dust something.

Unnamed Chat:

Unknown number: so the curtain…

Unknown number 2: yep, not my best work but I kinda panicked last minute u know

Unknown number: what is in the water at Wushanju that makes everyone dumb and attractive

Unknown number 2: relax they’ll figure it out

#ultimate note #whomst #wu xie #dmbj #the lost tomb #pingxie #iron triangle

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courtney-deserved-better · 3 years

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whats ur writing schedule/process like! not in a “write faster” way, but i think once you mentioned writing in script form? and i like the way you wrote ur most recent fic! just curious bc ur works are just really good :)

this is a great question!!

if its not slippery slopes, ill usually get an idea for something and periodically jot down notes when they come to me until I feel like i have enough information to start writing (or if im just motivated), that's what i did for my horror challenge rewrite. and for stuff that's like... rewrites of an episode that aren't as character-focused as slippery slopes, i usually read the episode transcripts and try to replicate that total drama style with my own writing

for shorter oneshots, i usually just get a vague idea and run with it until i find a good ending spot, then i go back and clean it up a bit so the structure works

slippery slopes is an... interesting cycle. chapters are getting long enough that i cant just write them in one sitting any more (i think ch5 was the last chapter i did that for) and instead ill agonize over the beginning (always the hardest part to write for me) but once i get going with that i usually finish the chapter within a few days. then i reread the previous chapter to make sure it flows ok (and there aren't any contradictions) and then ill give myself a break where i dont do anything total drama related before coming back to edit and post. though before I do all that I type up notes and rough dialogue bits

and then once i post it it's like... a weight off my chest? like ive been purged or something?? idk its a weird sensation but im just like i Physically Cannot Write Anything For This Right Now and i don't start on the next chapter until that goes away. and then i either start the beginning and do nothing for a week before going back and finishing the chapter or i go into a manic state and write nonstop for a few days. right now i haven't reached a point where im ready to begin writing chapter 10 but i have a lot of notes for it.

(also as soon as i finish posting a chapter i try not to go on my laptop for like 12 hours so i don't obsessively refresh my email for comments. i love reading comments so much holy shit. please comment guys it makes fic authors feel so happy we will love you for it)

as for scripts: i am working on being a writer professionally, but specifically a playwright. writing in a script format comes more naturally to me than writing prose. funnily enough, i started posting fanfic just to practice my prose (and fix stuff in cobra kai that i didnt like) but things sort of... ended up here? idk man but im enjoying it.

right, so because writing in a script format is easier when im really struggling with a section in a fic ill usually scrap whatever i had and write it like a script, then translate that into prose. i was very excited to write the family videos for chapter 9 of slippery slopes, but i was Having Issues, so i redid it as a script and then rewrote that as prose. ill put the script version under the cut if you're interested in that.

but thank you so much for the question!! i do think my writing process is a bit unconventional but hey i think things are turning out well! if you have any more questions feel free to send them in!!

ok here is the last scene of ch 9 of slippery slopes in script format:

[SIERRA]

MOM: Hi honey! Omigosh this is so exciting! I bet you’re having such a great time! Especially since Chris is there! Is Chris watching this? Hi Chris! You know, I loooved you on that ice skating show. Your hair was fantastic! Well, it always is, haha. Do you really make your own hair gel? I’ve been trying to perfect the recipe but you’re just so hard to track down! Oh, you’re such a funny guy! I laughed sooo hard when you made all those jokes about marrying Chef.

Chef: hey!

Chris: ok just for the record, I wasn’t joking, we are married, Sierra tell your mom we’re married

Sierra: …can we just turn it off please

[COURTNEY]

DAD: Courtney, sayang, I know you’ve been going through a lot right now—

MOM: So you’d BETTER make it count. You’ve made it this far before, I want to see you getting all the way to the finale this time. And winning it. Enough moping about those hideous, good-for-nothing slackers! That’s what you get for hanging around freaks like them. You’re doing this for the million, now get the million. Is that clear?

ZARINA: And kick ass!

DAD: Zarina!

Video cuts out.

Alejandro: courtney you good?

Courtney: no, she’s right. Mama didn’t raise no quitter

Alejandro: [knows she’s still upset about duncan and gwen]

[ALEJANDRO]

MOM: Hola, Alejandro. We hope you are doing well, especially in such unsavory conditions. I’m glad to see you’ve made it to the final four— we expected nothing less, of course.

DAD: You have been utilizing your skills quite well. Though I wish you hadn’t been so… blatant about it. You’ll have to work twice as hard once this is over to convince people you’re trustworthy. But surely you were aware of that going into this… odd endeavor. That’s just politics. Reputation is everything.

JOSE: [snorts] Oh, and what a reputation you have, Al. I could easily compile hours of footage of your failures, but I, unlike you, do not waste my time on the frivolities of reality television. Though you always have been lacking in taste. Especially with that bratty girlfriend of yours— oh, my mistake, aren’t you dating the whiny weakling? It’s so hard to keep track! [laughs]

Alejandro: callate!

MOM: I’m sure Alejandro is just working an angle on them.

DAD: Whatever the case is, do not disappoint us.

[NOAH]

MOM: Hi Noah, I’m sorry, I don’t have time to record a full video, but I’m proud of you! Here are your sisters!

ISWARI: A million dollars? A million [bleep] dollars? Win it, Noah! Win it!

RUTH: Dude!! This is crazy! I know you can do this— good luck! Ark misses you! [holds up Ark who barks]

MARA: Are you insane? Why aren’t you dating Alejandro already?

Noah: shut up, mara, just because you can’t keep a boyfriend—

ANYA: Don’t let ‘em trick you! No mercy! Crush their skulls if you have to— no, wait, you’re not strong enough for that. We’ll get there!

LIYA: I say this as your sister, someone who loves you but is constantly annoyed by you— for someone who is quite literally a genius, you sure can be an idiot sometimes.

BALLARI: Okay, I literally have no idea how you’ve made it this far without an athletic bone in your body— are we sure you aren’t adopted? I’m kidding

ABS: You’re stubborn as hell when it comes to me, so you better be stubborn as hell when it comes to winning! And when you do win, get me a frozen yogurt machine, will you? I promise I won’t make you rock climb again!

JAEL: If you lose this, I’ll kill you with this racket. And then use your guts to make myself a new racket. So don’t fuck it up. Again.

Noah: [frozen, ashamed]

Sierra: well that was a mess

Courtney: ok show of hands, who felt better after hearing that? [no one raises hands]

Chris: yeah I was expecting this to be a lot more heartwarming…

Chef: chris just look at them. If they had stable home lives they wouldn’t be doing reality tv

Alejandro: can we please stop talking about this. Also aren’t you supposed to be flying the plane

Chef: oh fuck

Chris: yeah sure. I think im gonna call my mom

Everyone: …

Noah: ok so that was really shitty. Why dont we all go to first class and try and ignore our problems

Everyone: yeah ok sounds good

***

Courtney: so that sucked

Alejandro: at least your dad seems ok

Courtney: true. What are your guys dads like

Noah and Sierra: bold of you to assume I know my dad. Jinx

***

Alejandro: that last girl… you mentioned a sister who does tennis and hates you

Noah: yep

Alejandro: why?

Noah: none of your business. but… it is pretty justified

#slippery slopes #ask #anon #total drama #writing #fic #my fic

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golbrocklovely · 2 years

Note

You don’t have to like every person or every girl sam and colby are friends with, and just because you dont it does not mean you are “jealous” or “ Misogynistic”. You guys really like to throw words around because you like them and because they are women without knowing if the asks you are getting are all from women.

Here is my reason ready;I liked Sam and Colbys videos because they explored and were daring. I genuinely had not seen other YouTubers do what they did because i wasnt paying attention to youtubers aside from Shane D. I HATED when they collabed with Jake and Corey, i thought they were extremely immature. I didnt like when Elton joined because he was bossy. With the girls they complain and get scared easily because this is NOT their niche. Stas claimed she was terrified and traumatized yet wanted to do merch right away and kept talking about it. Kat always hated this type of stuff, even in old videos she claimed she was religious and wouldnt dare go into this. Now shes been in a bunch of vids, something keeps “happening” to her and then she milks it, does reactions, tries to adopt stuff she wasnt even near like the whole Sallie thing. And now the focus is not Sam and Colby but Core4, which i don’t care about. Show me abandoned mansions and proof of entities, i could care less what photo dump Stas and Kat posted, let them do them with out making it about the 4.

I hate personally the whole insta model become famous just by association or posting stuff. I like people that put in the work to make connections, travel, shoot, and edit stuff and people that are involved or actually into this type of stuff. For example i agreed Mykie and Xepher would be cool to join. Amber not so much because she would probably get hurt and be too bubbly. If Kat and Stas want to rave and party and do that whole scene perfect, but to include them into all the paranormal stuff like merch and trying to make this core4 thing happen it annoys me, i think sam and colby lost what the real purpose of their channel was by having all these people come along.

Seth’s gf explores and does paranormal stuff, theres plenty of girls that do. But they bring along the pretty friends that are just going to complain and then actively milk it because they are connected. You have no idea how much ive had to block because i dont even see Sam and Colby stuff on the tag now but Stas and Kat and core4. And if i have to see one more video where what kat feels is discussed and completely ignores that Colby has a gift i will scream.

…i never said that if you dislike the girls that you are misogynistic or have it internalized, or even that you're jealous of them. i said that that can apply to some ppl that don't like them.

also, women can be misogynistic equally as much as men. we live in the patriarchy, we all have a bit of misogyny built in. even i. it's something we all have to continue to work thru.

that being said, if you don't like the collabs snc do with stas and kat, that's totally fine. i get it. just like i don't like the collabs they do with amanda.

however for the content that gets posted outside of youtube (insta, twitter, ect), that stuff is literally just them hanging out as friends. and they don't exactly hang out as often as it seems (minus kat and sam for obvious reasons). it all seems like a lot bc some fans talk about them hanging out together well after they have. and it seems like a lot of core four content has been made recently only bc of coachella. but even that alone has only created a couple pics and two or three tiktoks/reels from the group iteslf.

the same thing happened with vegas, the livestream, and colby and stas' bdays. it only seems like a lot bc ppl talk about it for longer periods of time. the group itself doesn't drum up as much content as you think.

but again, if you don't like snc collabing with them, that's totally fine. i can see why them in a video investigating isn't fun for you. i never said you had to like them. and i wouldn't expect everyone to.

and yeah ngl i need to know more about colby's abilities. like asap lol

#ask #personal #sam and colby

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a-crimson-lion · 4 years

Text

“It Makes Me Wanna Keep Him At Arm’s Length” An Overview On Katsuki Bakugo’s Development

[I should by no means be the one writing this analysis, but here we are. Obviously it’s an overview on Katsuki’s character development, but there’s a bit more to it than that. Keep reading if you want the details.]

Table of Contents

i) Prologue

I) A Brief Explanation

II) The “What The F*** Is Your Existence” Phase

II.A) Breaking The Barriers

III) The “I Can’t Let You Get Ahead Of Me” Phase

IV) The “Why Don’t You Care About Yourself” Phase

V) Final Address+Conclusion

Word Count: 4415

[Warning: Contains manga spoilers up to Ch. 284. Will also include spoilers for the movies and OVAs, as well as the special Deku & Bakugo: Rising two-shot manga. Reader’s discretion is advised. Not scared off yet? Good. Let’s do this.]

i) Prologue

Alright, no beating around the bush, I guess.

We all know this has to deal with Ch. 284, and the milestone that came with it. We got a rare look inside Katsuki’s perspective, and we saw firsthand how much his perspective has changed from the start of the story. I don’t think we’ve ever gotten such an in-depth look into Katsuki’s psyche since Deku vs Kacchan 2. It’s honestly impressive.

...which is why I’m so confused by a certain kind of response to it.

When you look past the swarms of tumblr posts absolutely losing their s*** over Katsuki getting further character development, you come across an… admittedly troubling response. The idea that “Katsuki always cared.” The idea that as early as the Battle Trial, if not middle school, Katsuki was secretly keeping an eye out for Izuku in their tumultuous relationship.

...no. Just-. No, what the-

I’ll get to why this particular response pisses me off in a bit, but before that, I wanna give a run down of Katsuki’s development, according to the narrative. Anyone who’s been around my blog long enough knows that I don’t exactly hold Katsuki in good graces. (Pretty much the opposite, actually.) However, in light of recent developments, that’s not what this post is gonna be focusing on. And as such, I’ll keep the snark and branch conversations to a minimum… to the best of my abilities.

So… how are we gonna do this?

I) A Brief Explanation

After we finish this brief “tutorial” section, the next three segments of the post will cover the various time frames of Katsuki’s development. I’ll be going through a general rundown of Katsuki’s perspective and the various evidence points that lead me to my conclusions. It’s essentially a glorified retelling. Sound good? Alrighty then!

II) The “What The F*** Is Your Existence” Phase

Time Frame: Ch. 1-Ch. 116 [Sludge Villain Arc-Late Provisional Hero License Exam Arc]

In case the Prologue didn’t make things clear, let me spell it out: Katsuki didn’t always care.

At least, he didn’t “always care” in the positive sense.

To clarify, this isn’t just 3rd Year Middle School Katsuki to UA Katsuki. This is all the way back to the River Incident. Katsuki has had this mentality for that long and then some when you shift out of backstory territory. We’re talking about the same kid who nearly murdered Izuku in the Battle Trial, blasted Izuku to kingdom come in the Training of the Dead OVA, and decked Izuku during the Final Exams. So…

The following hinges majorly on the line Katsuki stated in Chapter 284, and the title of this analysis: “It makes me wanna keep him at arm’s length.” Contrary to popular belief, this does not just apply to the idea that Katsuki wants to stick around Izuku to keep him from destroying himself.

...it’s also a major contributor to the reason Katsuki bullied Izuku in the past.

So let’s backtrack to the River incident. Katsuki takes one wrong step on a log, slips, and falls down into the river below. Izuku is the only one that goes down to help him. This infuriates Katsuki because he was fine, as was said by him and everyone but Izuku that was present that day. This is also the first time Katsuki becomes aware of something he echoes in the Ch. 284 flashback:

“He just… Deep down, he doesn’t take himself into account, y’know?”

This is Katsuki’s first run in with Izuku’s inherent selflessness. Initially, he takes it as pity; in his words, Izuku is “looking down on him.” And this bothers him a great deal. Then when it comes to Quirks, Katsuki gets one and Izuku doesn’t. This assures Katsuki of something he shortly discovered previously: Izuku isn’t all that special.

It’s a brief comfort. Because Izuku hasn’t taken the damn hint and stopped hanging out with him and his friends. The Quirked kids. The normal kids.

And worst still, he’s willing to get in Katsuki’s way just because someone else is in his line of fire. In the back of his mind, it’s the River Incident all over again, though he’s not being feared for; he’s being feared of. It’s all wrong. Deku isn’t strong like the rest of them. Deku can’t be a hero. Deku knows that.

...he knows that he doesn’t stand a chance, right? He knows how the world really works. Is he… is he putting on an act?

One of the few remarkable traits Katsuki has right from the get-go is his disdain against dishonesty. So, when he sees Izuku putting on a brave face and acting like a hero, and Katsuki decides that Izuku’s just “pretending,” Katsuki takes the matter into his own hands. He’ll get Izuku to show his true colors in due time. That’s what heroes do, right? Take down the bad guys? And Izuku faking about caring for others when everyone else clearly puts themselves first and foremost sounds pretty bad guy-like, at least at the time.

So, Izuku keeps on trucking, occasionally trying to join back up with Katsuki’s group on a near frequent basis. Even when that fails, he tries his damnedest to catch up.

But what many people forget is that at some point, Izuku stopped following, at least actively.

By Chapter 1, he’s making sure to keep from drawing attention to himself. He’s not as enthusiastic as everyone else in the class, he tries backing away from Katsuki and shrinking down on himself, tries defusing the situation. That doesn’t sound like Izuku’s still trying to keep up. Even in the special two-shot manga dedicated to Heroes: Rising, Izuku isn’t the one to draw attention to Katsuki’s presence. And even when he does go after Katsuki and the villain, his attention is more so focused on the villain, thoughts of staying out of Katsuki’s way to not offend him likely somewhere in his mind.

So then why does Katsuki keep antagonizing him in the first chapter of canon proper? And even before that, most likely?

“It makes me wanna keep him at arm’s length.”

...Izuku didn’t stop being Izuku. Izuku didn’t stop being selfless.

And his selflessness is what pisses Katsuki off to no end. So, he keeps pursuing Izuku, keeps trying to get him to “drop the act.” Makes him a “punching bag,” as Izuku states in Chapter 8. Because the way things work, Izuku should not be trying to be a hero. He should not be trying to put on a brave face when he’s scared s***less. He should not be sticking his neck out for others when he doesn’t (or rather, didn’t) have anything to stick up for himself.

Katsuki was born with something that made everyone consider him prime hero material. Izuku was born without that, and was considered the opposite… and yet, he still tries.

And this character trait, this selflessness, it drives Katsuki insane. And it continues to do so well beyond the Battle Trial Arc. Even when Katsuki is able to begrudgingly accept that Quirkless Deku has a Quirk now, somehow, his selflessness continues to bring Katsuki grief. While it’s never inherently brought up, this is the dividing factor between Izuku’s fight against Shoto in the Sport’s Festival and Katsuki’s fight with Shoto in the Sport’s Festival.

Izuku was willing to go all out at the cost of himself just so Shoto could accept what was his. Katsuki just wanted a good brawl, to be the undisputed first place.

This even continues well into the Final Exams, though the fact that Katsuki is running high on arrogance and anger does nothing to soothe matters. It takes a deck to face and later an explosive kabedon wall smash to get Izuku and Katsuki working together, and let’s not forget that when Izuku was trying to get Katsuki to realize they were still fighting All Might, regardless of whatever handicaps he may or may not have, he gets decked in the nose for his efforts. While it’s technically a subtler play on Izuku’s selflessness and concern for others, Katsuki likely took it as further mockery, another attempt for Deku to try and get under his skin and throw him off.

In any case, throughout this time period, Katsuki cares f*** all for Izuku or his philosophy, opting to brute force things up until the very end of the time frame. But what causes the eventual shift?

II.A) Breaking The Barriers

A number of things, actually.

None of the proceeding events ever do a clean cut on Katsuki’s worldview. It’s more like chiseling through a wall than breaking it down with a hammer.

The Sludge Villain is the first hint that Izuku might not be faking and Katsuki might not be at the top. While many claim that Katsuki leaves Izuku alone because he feels indebted to him but doesn’t want to admit it, it’s more than likely that he’s more focused on his own self-loathing. This incident is what defines him for a good chunk of the series, to his chagrin.

The Battle Trial is just another nail in the eventual coffin. Katsuki thinks he’s finally got Izuku right where he wants him, only for Izuku to pull a 500 IQ play and prioritize the exercise over his and Katsuki’s squabbles, taking the brunt of Katsuki’s attack and attention while giving Ochako the opportunity to capture the bomb. That look of frustration is Katsuki realizing that not only did Izuku get ahead, he got ahead with the very thing Katsuki despises. Needless to say, it f***s with him well until the aftermath outside of UA’s gate.

Shoto refusing to use his flames is another chip off the marble that is Katsuki’s pride. It reinforces the idea that Izuku is doing something that Katsuki isn’t, something that Izuku shouldn’t have in the first place, beyond a Quirk at least. So, Katsuki rages, because he can’t understand why it’s such a big deal, in both Izuku’s and Shoto’s cases.

The Final Exams just hammer the point home further. Katsuki’s one-track minded attempts to bring down All Might are met with no results. He would have failed that exam if it wasn’t for Izuku’s selflessness or Katsuki “lowering himself” to cooperate with him. Had Katsuki not gotten decked in the face and dragged off or got saved at the last minute while he was knocked out, he definitely would have failed on account of becoming a liability.

The Training Camp attack is an odd mix of Katsuki’s current philosophy and the next stage in it. He knows Izuku’s gonna go and save his ass, and he wants no part of that because hasn’t he made him suffer enough already? Hasn’t he already proved time and time again that he’s getting better, despite the fact that Katsuki doesn’t want or believe it? Despite the fact that it shouldn’t even be happening if things were right in the world? Izuku does recognize Katsuki’s wounded pride, however, which is instrumental in getting him out of All For One’s clutches during Kamino.

If we briefly direct our attention to the Make It! Do-Or-Die Survival Training! OVA, Katsuki is pretty adamant on claiming he only got the power back on in the underground mall to complete the exercise. And I don’t think that’s Katsuki’s “tsundere” talking, either: I genuinely believe that Katsuki’s only thoughts at the moment was getting the exercise done. Everyone else was just secondary. And remember, Katsuki hates dishonesty, which is probably why he doesn’t take credit for “saving” Izuku and Shoto. While his actions did save the two of them and everyone else in the mall, that wasn’t his intention, which is an interesting flip on Izuku’s performance back in the Battle Trial. Couple that with the fact that Katsuki is injured (and therefore weak, and in need of help), and it’s no wonder he’s in a sour mood towards the end of it all.

And this sour mood carries over to the final nail in his coffin: the Provisional License Exam. He only gets by the first half because other people had the sense to tag along, but the second half regards his undoing because he still doesn’t get the whole selfless aspect of saving people in the second half of the exam. This was also foreshadowed back in the aforementioned OVA with Katsuki’s excessive animosity towards the victim dummy. Whether they be real or fake, Katsuki’s disregard of either victim doesn’t grant him his hero license.

This is the straw that breaks the camel's back for Katsuki. And ultimately, this sparks the start in his shift to the second phase of his development.

III) The “I Can’t Let You Get Ahead Of Me” Phase

Time Frame: Ch. 117-~Ch. 257 [Late Provisional Hero License Exam Arc-Early Paranormal Liberation War Arc]

Since this is only the second phase of Katsuki’s development (and given that this is Katsuki we’re talking about), don’t expect to get much of an upgrade with this shift.

Essentially, it boils down to two things: Katsuki stops viewing Izuku as an annoyance, and starts viewing him as an obstacle. Simultaneously, he starts seeing the viability of saving, at least as a tool in a hero’s kit.

Let me explain.

While Deku vs Kacchan 2 is the first time Izuku and Katsuki have attempted to talk out their issues… not much gets addressed. Sure, Katsuki becomes aware of Izuku not looking down on him, but Izuku is never made aware of the deeper issues regarding Katsuki’s loathing beyond that. It primarily serves as a half-barebones narrative checkpoint, a segway for Katsuki to get in on the secret of One For All.

...let’s also talk about that, shall we?

So Izuku’s been getting better as a hero and with his Quirk. Then Katsuki finds out after he gets kidnapped and rescued that Izuku is the successor to their mutual idol. And that’s after essentially being told he can’t be a hero in his current state due to the PLE. And what is his usual response to adversity? He decides to get ahead of it.

He’ll surpass Class 1-A so there won’t be another Battle Trial. He’ll surpass Izuku and One For All so he can truly claim that he’s the best of the best.

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see more of this development until the Joint Training Arc. However, keep in mind that this is only the second stage. Katsuki wants to prove that he’s the best, so of course he’s gonna step up his game. That means taking advice from the LITERAL (former) #1 HERO, and making the victory as flawless as possible. After all, Katsuki himself said in Chapter 208:

“I’ve decided! We’re gonna win this match with a perfect victory! 4-0, with everyone unscathed! That’s the kind of victory there is for the strongest guys out there!”

...it might be a slight exaggeration when he says he’s hardly changed at the end of that chapter, but then again it is a stretch to even call it an exaggeration.

That aside, Katsuki also makes it part of his agenda to keep tabs on OFA. This would fit into the “Katsuki secretly cares” agenda, but we haven’t reached that point. Right now, in these moments, Katsuki figures that if One For All starts getting freaky, he wants to know about it so he can get a leg up. And maybe part of him still wants to call Izuku out.

He was minorly ticked when Izuku allowed himself to make a mistake during their unauthorized fight. And he constantly reminds Izuku to not forget that he’s supposed to surpass him (or the other way around).

Taking off the rose-colored glasses for a moment, it does make sense for Katsuki to say this beyond the context of positive motivation. We are talking about the same Katsuki who lashed out at Shoto for holding back. It’s reasonable to assume that he doesn’t want Izuku to do the same, and lagging behind more or less equates to holding back.

And Katsuki still isn’t completely invested in Izuku’s training for Izuku’s sake. After the Joint Training, Katsuki tries getting Izuku to manifest Black Whip again, and nopes out shortly afterwards when nothing comes of their sparring sessions in Chapter 217. This still isn’t the Katsuki we see in the 284 flashback. He’s still got a ways to go.

Yes, this even rings true for Katsuki during Heroes: Rising. While the film might be the ultimate Bakudeku dream come true, there really isn’t… much depth in regards to Izuku and Katsuki’s past. Y’know, the thing that most people are hoping gets resolved? It only gets referenced a few times in the film, but doesn’t overall factor into anything meaningful. Most of the time when Izuku and Katsuki team up, Katsuki only gets to the fight because he wants to throw hands with villains on an island where (if the status quo had remained unchanged) was likely selected because it had little to no serious villain activity. It just so happens that protecting and working with Izuku is an unintended byproduct of these fights. Katsuki even drops the infamous “lowering myself to work with Deku” line just before the big climax. And even with the transfer of OFA to Katsuki, it strikes less as overcoming a longstanding obstacle and more as plot convenience, especially since by the end of the fight OFA nopes back into Izuku so hard that Katsuki gets mind wiped about the whole thing.

Even during the Endeavor Arc, we don’t see much growth beyond the Ending fight, where Katsuki prioritizes saving Natsuo over throwing hands like he usually would, learning to take saving as more than a tool. This is significant considering it’s Katsuki, but unfortunately, there’s not much else thereafter. The entire arc won’t get referenced as an overall stepping stone until Ch. 284.

And thus, we head to the final phase.

IV) The “Why Don’t You Care About Yourself” Phase

Time Frame: ~Ch. 257-Ch. 284 [Early Paranormal Liberation War Arc-Paranormal Liberation War Arc (Present)]

So here’s an interesting tidbit: Katsuki can’t handle nonphysical confrontation.

Leave him with the fact that his kidnapping could have gotten most of the class expelled because they decided to go rescue him or avoided such while knowing of the operation? He’ll pay back Eijiro for the expensive night vision goggles and make Denki suffer Quirk overuse so he doesn’t need to be reminded.

Get stuck in the middle of a Todoroki Family Drama scene? He’ll try bragging about how he did better than the current #1 Hero to attempt curbing off the situation.

Put him in a discussion with Izuku where they address his additional Quirk manifestations and the full weight of his potential/legacy? Katsuki will brag about having a skill already in his toolkit to ignore the fact that he has the potential to fall behind.

This defines the earlier days of this phase. We don’t see what happens in the timeframe between that and the start of the War Arc until the Chapter 284 flashback. I believe that during the gap between 257 and this flashback, Katsuki allowed himself to process the full weight of what he and Izuku were told during that meeting.

And this marks one of his biggest revelations to date.

Izuku’s selflessness is no longer something annoying. It’s a potential fatal flaw.

For the first time, it’s hitting Katsuki that Izuku is no longer an obstacle, or just an obstacle. Izuku is a person who is working himself to the bone and past that, who would die at the drop of the hat if he thought the payoff was well worth it. He’s finally starting to see that what Izuku is doing to himself is dangerous, and he wants to know what he can do to prevent the serious ramifications.

This is a big phase in his development, no doubt, but um… it’s not the last phase.

If I’m being honest, we’re nowhere close. Why? Well, two reasons:

A) Katsuki still has yet to properly take a loss.

Any and all of Katsuki’s losses are either in his head or narratively negated. And his disproportionate win/loss ratio doesn’t do him any favors either. He’s culminated a philosophy that he can’t and shouldn’t lose, but losing is a crucial aspect of improvement and being human in general. In the case of the story, Chapter 275 suggests that Katsuki wants to face off against Tomura as payback for Kamino. He essentially wants to extend the narrative and treat that loss like a delayed win, as if the loss hadn’t happened yet. Many people claim that this is a bluff he used to cover his true intentions of keeping an eye on Izuku, but I don’t think that’s the case. While sticking by Izuku is a contributing factor, getting a win is equally so, because Katsuki hasn’t properly adjusted to a loss. His strategy for dealing with any kind of loss is just to bulldoze through it like nothing happened, instead of taking the time to understand why he lost and to apply that knowledge for future encounters.

Be aware of your surroundings during the Sludge Villain.

Focus on your priorities and communicate with others during the Battle Trial.

Don’t ignore the situation just to focus on your own intentions during the Training Camp attack.

HELP PEOPLE during the Provisional License Exam.

There are so many lessons Katsuki could have learned sooner if he had taken the time to properly digest his losses. But he didn’t. He still doesn’t. He might have learned some of them eventually, but the fact remains that he nearly ran head first into a suicide mission just because he couldn’t take the loss and was dead set on getting even.

And keep in mind, Katsuki was lamenting on struggling to keep up with Izuku earlier before their encounter with Tomura, and how he couldn’t afford to stay a loser, so this is likely less far-fetched than you think.

Okay, so then what’s the second reason Katsuki’s development is far from over?

B) He hasn’t fully connected the dots on what he did to Izuku.

So far, Katsuki has recognized that he was off-put by Izuku’s selflessness, and that he bullied him over that.

What he hasn’t recognized is how much of a role he played personally in that part of Izuku’s personality, or at least it’s present day incarnation.

Let me clarify a bit. Katsuki is aware that he was distrubed by Izuku’s selflessness. He is aware that bullied him and that, at some degree, was wrong. But I don’t think he’s quite connected the dots on how his intervention has led to Izuku’s current brand of martyrdom.

At the start of the series, Izuku just cares about others. After making sure he gets down to the river safely, he’s willing to lend a hand to Katsuki, who fell from a pretty concerning height ig we’re being honest.

But this unnerves Katsuki. And it leads to his physical altercations with Izuku from time to time.

Remember, Izuku followed Katsuki at the time, but somewhere down the line he stopped. But he never stopped being Izuku, so Katsuki continued to pursue him. Izuku had already been willing to give up in some degree on ever keeping up with Katsuki the way he used to. He knew, at some level, that he wasn’t accepted.

That he wasn’t worth as much as everyone else.

Katsuki bullied Izuku because he was selfless. But Katsuki’s bullying, coupled with the rest of society’s ostracization, twisted and warped that selflessness with low self-esteem, low self-worth, and self-destructive tendencies. Katsuki wasn’t the sole bully of Izuku, but he was a primary perpetrator. And his actions only made the very thing he despised so, so much worse.

...and until he can recognize THAT aspect of his relationship with Izuku, his journey is far from over.

So yeah, Katsuki’s making progress, but we’re still not out of the woods yet.

V) Final Address+Conclusion

So now for the obvious question: why did I write all of this?

I said it at the beginning, about how some people claimed that Katsuki cared all along. I brought up a bit about how it pissed me off. Why, exactly?

Because when people insist that Katsuki threatening Izuku to not go to UA comes from a place of concern, they disregard Chapter 1 Katsuki’s gigantic ego and utter disregard for others, much less so for Izuku.

Because when people insist that Katsuki’s shocked face at the end of the Battle Trial was because he was upset with how he hurt Izuku, they disregard the fact that Katsuki was willing to almost murder Izuku, and if not that then brutalize him, and that at this point Katsuki absolutely loathes getting shown up, which is what Izuku inadvertently did.

Because when people insist that Katsuki always cared from the very beginning, they (un)intentionally undermine one of the few things that draw people to Katsuki’s character: his character development.

On his own, Katsuki is an prodigious, antisocial and angry teen looking for fame and fortune in the industry who grows into a dedicated source of confidence and understanding as he finally allows himself to branch beyond his initial handicaps. If you insist that Katsuki always had the awareness and concern he displayed in 284’s flashback, what do you get instead?

A selfish, self-centered, fickle, emotionally-constipated asshole whose growth is more comparable to a ramp instead of a mountain.

...not as impressive, is it?

While I’m pretty sure this is just a minor trend, that doesn’t excuse the lack of care it demonstrates. If you aren’t willing to admit and live with the fact that Day 1 Katsuki is the worst of the worst and that he did progressively get better through trials and tribulation, why bother? When you insist a character like Katsuki was fine from the start, you take away part of what makes that character so endearing. If they were never an ass to begin with, then what the hell was their problem at the start, or even now? Why the hell would we condone that? It’s important to recognize character flaws and to give them their due, because seeing a character grown out of them is far more self-fulfilling and relatable than insisting that they were always in the right place from the start.

...but then again, that’s just me. Thanks for reading.

-Crimson Lion (20 September 2020)

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theirrationalzone · 3 years

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Yakkin ‘bout Games: Wolfenstein: The New Order

Yakking ‘bout Games is a series where I talk about games that I’m currently playing or have just finished. It can be new or old, console or PC, good or bad, it really doesn’t matter. If it’s a game worth talking about, you’ll see it covered here.

I think it’s fair to say that the FPS genre has enjoyed a bit of a renaissance over the last decade and a bit. The modern military shooters that dominated the late 2000s and early 2010s have become less common. We have seen the return of classic franchises like Doom and Half-Life, and we have also witnessed the influx of “boomer shooters” like Dusk and Amid Evil. A lot of cool stuff indeed.

With that being said, let’s take a trip back a few years. 2014 to be exact.

This was the first year of the (then) brand spanking new PlayStation 4 and Xbox One. The two consoles were not off to the best of starts though. Their early exclusives like Killzone Shadow Fall, InFamous Second Son, Forza Motorsport 5 and Dead Rising 3 had failed to impress. The only games picking up the slack were multi-platform releases like Assassin’s Creed IV Black Flag. The only FPS games available at the time (other than Killzone on PS4) were Call of Duty Ghosts (dull as dishwater) and Battlefield 4 (I enjoyed it but it was completely broken on release.)

Not exactly the most exciting of times for an FPS fan on console.

Wolfenstein: The New Order finally came along that May. It had been announced the year prior but it didn’t have much fanfare behind it. The initial E3 showing didn’t really impress anyone and there wasn’t really a great excitement for the game’s release. Perhaps it was because the previous Wolfenstein game was largely ignored by people or maybe because people were skeptical due to the game being MachineGames’ (the developer) first effort. People needn’t have worried though. The game turned out to be a massive surprise. It ended up being one of the best of that year.

Why am I covering this now? It’s because I recently got the urge to play it again after all these years. Plus I wanted to see how it would function in a post modern Doom world. So with that in mind, let’s get psyched and see how the game holds up.

Never has a smile brought terror to my heart so fast. Well this and my last dental appointment...

The New Order is set in an alternate universe where the Nazis won World War II due to their advanced technology being too much for the Allied forces. After an operation to try and assassinate the spearhead behind this growing technological evolution goes horribly wrong, Captain William “B.J.” Blazkowicz ends up taking a piece of shrapnel to the back of the head which puts him into a vegetative state. He ends up spending fourteen years in a Polish mental asylum before finally being awoken again due to witnessing a horrible atrocity committed by the Nazis. B.J. is now in the alien world of 1960 where the Nazis rule over the world with an iron fist. It’s up to B.J. to link up with the remnants of the Resistance and take the fight back to the Nazis once and for all.

The story was and still is one of the most surprising elements of The New Order. It paints a brutal picture of a world controlled by an evil and ruthless force who will stop at nothing to assert their dominance. The cast as well are very memorable. You have the plucky and likable Resistance fighters who you get to spend quite a bit of time with. You then have some memorable encounters with the evil figureheads of the Nazi regime at certain parts of the story. Anyone who has seen the train sequence in this game knows exactly what I’m taking about. I have to give MachineGames credit as well for the characterisation of B.J. himself. They managed to turn a character who was known for being a badass Nazi killer to a very sympathetic and likable Nazi killer. B.J. in this game is weary and tired after years of fighting evil and tyranny at every corner. The man wants nothing more than for the war to be over so he can hang up his guns and finally settle down. How could you hate the man after hearing something like that?

B.J. is such an upstanding guy that he would infiltrate a Nazi controlled train just to get you some coffee. Liberation and a Cappuccino, you can’t beat it.

The real bread and butter of The New Order though is the gameplay. It has held up fantastically for the most part. Combat is a blast thanks to the very meaty arsenal at your disposal including assault rifles, shotguns, marksman rifle and a Laserkraftwerk which allows you to blast enemies to smithereens. You’ll have plenty of enemy types to cut through including rank and file soldiers, big mech suit soldiers with heavy weaponry and robots that have massive lasers. B.J. has a few abilities though to help turn the tide of battle. Leaning is one such ability and it’s implemented very well. How it works is that if you hold the L1 button, it locks B.J. in place and you can then use the left stick to lean at different angles. It’s super useful. Earning a well placed few shots at a Nazi from a very awkward angle never gets old. B.J. also has the ability to dual-wield certain weapons to deal even more hefty damage to his foes. Press up on the d-pad and prepare to bring the carnage. While this is a pretty fun feature, it does limit your movement speed and it can result in you burning through ammo quite quickly. It also is restricted to two types of the same weapon. You can also find upgrades for weapons which give them different ammo types and fire modes. The Laserkraftwerk, for example, can be used to cut through certain boxes and materials which is pretty nifty.

In terms of how health works, it’s a hybrid between classic pick-ups and regeneration. You can recover health by picking up health packs and food throughout the game. Armor can be found as well to allow you to take some extra damage. If you take health damage and managed to find cover, you’ll eventually get 10 health points back. You also have the ability to overcharge your health. How this works is that if you end up picking up a health item that takes you over your max health, you get higher health points for a brief period which is quite useful. You can increase your max health by finding hidden health upgrades throughout some of the levels.

AI is decent for the most part. They will attempt to find cover in the heat of a firefight and they do try to flank you. Some of the heavy soldiers will also attempt to rush your position. I certainly didn’t notice any unusual behaviour from them. Boss fights are a bit unremarkable for the most part. The game pretty much spells out how to take them out and they don’t really put up much of a fight. The main exception being the final boss but even then, it really isn’t that hard.

The secret painting boss fight was an interesting idea though. Definitely a canvas for them to work on in the future. (Apologies for the bad pun and joke.)

The game does have a basic stealth system and it works fine. When you enter most of the areas in the game, you will be informed that there are two commanders in the area. Take them out without being spotted and you can sneak through the area without having to worry about reinforcements if you get spotted by an enemy. You can take down enemies stealthily by using a silenced pistol, throwing knives or by sneaking up to them and performing a takedown. Stealth can feel a little overpowered during some of the early sections because the pistol is super accurate and it only takes one headshot to take some of these enemies down. The game does balance this a bit better later on as areas are populated with more elite enemies that harder to kill without being spotted.

Being a Wolfenstein game, you would expect exploration to be a big part of the gameplay and it does play a part for sure. There are hidden areas to be found with collectibles such as the Enigma codes which can unlock new difficulties and cheat codes. You can also find hidden max HP upgrades and other stuff as well. Maps can be found in each level which will indicate possible hidden secrets with a question mark. Levels are definitely more linear than some of the prior Wolfenstein games so don’t expect huge hidden areas or levels.

Key and item hunting still exists of course. You will find doors that require a key or a tool needed to progress which requires a bit of skulking around to find that key or item. You see this especially in the Resistance HQ sections which occur after most of the levels. In these sections, you will be tasked with finding a certain item for a character to progress to the next level. There are also side missions where you can do the same thing for other characters in the HQ and completing these unlocks extras such as artwork. I’m mixed on the Resistance HQ sections overall. On the one hand, they’re good from a lore perspective because you can overhear conversations from some of the characters and there are newspaper clippings and notes to find which do a good job of building up the world. On the other hand, they do feel a little bit like filler. Swings and roundabouts, I suppose...

I don’t really have many issues with the gameplay as a whole. My only real gripe is how the weapon wheel works. Weapon wheels are commonplace on console because a controller doesn’t have many buttons when compared to a keyboard. Makes perfect sense. The New Order’s one however can be such a temperamental thing to use. How it’s supposed to work is that you hit the R1 button to bring up the wheel and then you use the right stick to pick the weapon you want. Sounds simple enough. In reality what happens is that the game ends up giving you the wrong weapon time after time. I can’t even begin to count the amount of times that I tried to switch to the assault rifle and the game switched me to the dual-wield pistols instead. It can be a bloody nuisance. Part of this is down to how sensitive the stick is when using the wheel. It’s way too fast. Also why do the dual-wield options even need to be there? You can already hit up on the d-pad to dual-wield a particular weapon plus I didn’t really need to dual-wield all that much so it’s just clutter. They could have cleaned this up a lot better. I also had issues with swapping back to the previous weapon. It would sometimes default back to the Laserkraftwerk even though it wasn’t my previous weapon. Thankfully these issues didn’t get me killed but they certainly got on my nerves a little bit.

Textbook schadenfreude here from one of the villains. Shouldn’t be that shocked really...

From a graphics point of view, Wolfenstein: The New Order still holds up remarkably well. It runs on the same idTech engine that powered Rage before it and it certainly looks great. Character models are well detailed and they animate well. Cutscenes are well framed and the angles are perfectly done. Environments are beautifully crafted with amazing detail so whether you are in rainy soaked London or even the friggin’ Moon, you feel immersed in the world of the game.

I wasn’t kidding about the Moon. Look Ma, I’m in space! (In a video game...)

The game is quite aliased on the consoles. You definitely see sharp and jagged edges at times. Plus the textures look a bit low-res when viewed up close, but the game still looks great, and I imagine the PC version cleans up most of this stuff anyway so there’s that.

Tumblr’s image compression doesn’t do this environment justice. Oh well. C’est la vie, I suppose...

I can’t fault the game’s sound though. All voice performances are pitch-perfect with Brian Bloom (the voice of B.J.) being the standout. The music is incredible too with a great balance between atmospheric tracks and hard edged ones when the action really kicks off. It’s composed by a guy named Mick Gordon. Don’t think he’s done anything of note since though.

In terms of length, you’re looking at about roughly 8-10 hours for a first time playthrough. There is replay value with the collectibles and the Timeline system. To briefly explain, the Timeline system is related to a choice you make at the start of the game which changes some of the characters you encounter during the game. It doesn’t drastically change much. The events remain the same. You just get some unique dialog and a scene or two. Not much else.

So as you can see, I think that Wolfenstein: The New Order is still a bloody good time. The shooting still feels great with some really meaty weapons, the story and characters are super engaging, and the presentation and sound still kicks some ass. It has some minor issues here and there, but this game is well worth experiencing. You can pick it up pretty cheap nowadays on most of the platforms and it does go on sale quite often.

It’s nice to go back sometimes and revisit a classic, isn’t it?

Check back here soon for Part 2 of this where I take a look at The Old Blood. Until then, stay safe, folks!

#wolfenstein #ps4 #video games #yakkingboutgames

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mrfutureboy · 3 years

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I would like to know when you started drawing and where your passion for fanart started 😊

Oh FUCK dude i did not see this i’m so fucking sorry this is so late 😭 damn you, tumblr, for not fucking notifying me!! Anyway buckle up this is gonna be much longer than you asked for <3

Honestly ive kinda been drawing all my life! I hope that doesnt sound dumb cuz obviously almost everyone drew pictures when they were kids, but i know that it’s been a consistent hobby for me since i was little. By the time i was in 3rd grade I was hoarding notebooks to draw in. Cuz that’s something fun about me: i had a real huge habit of drawing in things that werent sketchbooks. Through middle school and beyond I did buy/receive sketchbooks, but I started out with various kinds of notebooks. One I had from like 2nd grade was like a hardcover, stationary-type notebook that I drew cats in lol, and I have 2 velvet lisa frank notebooks from 3rd grade. In high school and college I had a really bad habit of drawing in the margins on my notes and on handouts the teacher/professor would give. Those classes where the prof just prints out all the notes beforehand and gives them to you to follow along? Oh man, I spent so many classes barely listening while I drew on them! I also used to draw on my physics homework and tests and sometimes I even got extra credit for them (thank you jeff :D). I actually have a folder of various drawings I’ve kept from that 8yr time period and a lot of them are on classwork 😂

Obviously, I’ve been doing a lot of digital art lately, which I’m sure is what u were more curious about rather than the shit about drawing on my homework. I got a surface pro as a graduation gift in 2016 bc prior to that i had a wacom tablet and a janky ass laptop, so the gift was kinda a 2-in-1: i can do schoolwork AND art easily! i like digital art a lot and honestly im still learning new things abt it every time i draw. I use Leonardo currently (i’ll skip that story) but I started out doing digital art on sketchfu WITHOUT the wacom tablet in maaaaybe 2012??? 2011??? does anyone on this site remember sketchfu? Honestly couldnt even tell u how i found that site hahah the internet was just full of wonders back in the day. RIP sketchfu. Once i got the tablet tho some time later i used sketchfu still (i think) but also gimp and krita i believe.

Oh i suppose I should mention that i took art all four years of highschool and also minored in it in college! So it’s something i did academically as well as for fun. I keep thinking about going to art school for realsies but idk. I’m already $$$ in debt from my first degree i dont feel like adding to that 😅😓

Ok now for the second part of your question: I’ve also pretty much always done fan art! Ive never really been one for OC’s, EXCEPT for the self-insert superhero double life “comics” i wrote about a poodle named Sassy when i was in third grade. And then the knock off “comics” i wrote at a later time which honestly it was weird that i did a knock off of my own thing rather than just adding them to the original or making it a spin off with at least one of the og characters. Cuz it wasnt a spin off!! But anyway there wasnt really much to any of these characters; i just needed vessels to get my weird ideas out.

So anyway yeah most of what ive ever drawn has been fan art or self portraits, because its just easier for me to take characters that already exist and bend them to my will (artistically). Well excluding art assignments in school i guess because i would usually have to draw something specific and therefore not something self indulgent. But yeah ive drawn for lots of fandoms like the earliest i remember is warrior cats. Then theres things like pokemon and warriors and random other books i read thru middle school (i used to read a LOT but now im practically illiterate); spn, sherlock, and marvel through high school; and then marvel and bttf thru the end of hs and beyond. Idk i also have always loved looking at other peoples fan art and so im like “shit i wanna do that too!”. Tho i will say marvel was my biggest fandom and the one i had the longest interest in, so that was probably where the passion REALLY came from cuz I was drawing marvel stuff for such a long time (tho not posting shdjsk u have to trust me), but ive been doing fan art forever :)

(Of course, a lot of the fan art i was making prior to recently was drawn in lined notebooks or on homework sheets or what have you, and I wasn’t posting really any of it, but i was still making it and a good chunk of it still exists. Oh i should also mention most of it was with pencils or ballpoint pens like i wasnt doing anything too fancy. There was some digital art in the highschool-college time frame but it also really wasnt…much. Honestly i barely posted any of it here but I know some of it’s on deviantart)

I cant pinpoint the exact time I started getting more “serious” about my art in general, but i know the first pandemic lockdown gave me more free time and i was less stressed about schoolwork so i just kinda had a good outlet. (Tho i will say that prior, I had been in a life drawing club for a short while, and i had also been working on a personal sketchbook project that had me pretty ~inspired~ to do art. Also i watched twin peaks around this time and it inspired a lot of Feelings and i was making funky collages and other art pieced that were sometimes related to that. Some of those are on deviantart)

Honestly I think the Big thing with my digital art was coincidentally getting back into BTTF the summer of the 35th anniversary bc the fandom here was THRIVING and i was like “oh shit wait i want to contribute!” But as i kept drawing i kept wanting to improve and that leads us to right now where im constantly trying new things (whether subtle or obvious) and challenging myself to do full body drawings with different poses, and doing screencap redraws and what have you for various reasons (backgrounds, proportions, pose, etc)

So yeah :) Basically I’ve been doing fan art forever (I didnt even get into all the mediums ive tried but that’s another conversation bc this is already so long and convoluted) and it’s kinda coincidental that ive suddenly really gotten back into it and have improved dramatically in such a short time. Thank you so much @rovermcfly for the ask and again im really sorry you had to wait so long for a response! Stupid tumblr

#rovermcfly #signed sealed delivered #THANK U SM I HOPE U ENJOY KY RAMBLING :)#id love to ramble more if theres anything else u’d like to hear about my art journey :) bc i know this is all over the place lmfao #i will say some periods of life were a bit more inspired than others and thats bc i like will not draw if im too stressed #bc likely if im too stressed im too tired. see: a few weeks ago when that job was draining my life force

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mental-health-advice · 3 years

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MASSIVE CW ABOUT SU*CIDE

I have a friend of 6 years. I love her dearly to pieces. she helped me through my high school depression saved me from committing suicide. because of covid i came back to my childhood town, and i was going to leave back to my city in may but something happened. recently she came to me saying she was suicidal. this broke my heart but i began to try my best to help, i called her everyday, tried to make her laugh, made her food, made sure she was drinking water, i hung out with her a few times & i began to see the light in her eyes a little bit. every time we hung out i would go home & cry because i have a deep rooted fear of death related to my ptsd so i was freaking out in the inside i was trying to be strong for her. trying to be her light but behind closed doors i was broken because these aren’t things i could magically fix for her. a week later we plan a picnic on a very emotional anniversary of mine to help me cope but it was a way of me making sure she ate too. point being is that i was already emotional the day, i know in no way was this an excuse but she started talking about how she felt. i panicked i had a full blown panic attack thinking about her dead. she asked me what was wrong & i blew up. i was holding her hand begging her to fight this, begging her to get therapy (she said she doesn’t like that it’s in person i said it doesn’t matter she needs to try) it all came out of my mouth, i regretted it as soon as it came out. i said that if she doesn’t want to fight for herself she could fight for me. i would miss her too much, i’m fighting for her. if she were to i will never forgive her. i told her if she was a ghost she would see how much it would affect me and the many people who love her so dearly . i told her the day she dies i die too a part of me does, i said weren’t you the one who said you’d tell me that i’m beautiful to the day we die & that’s not any time soon? i said i didnt mind taking care of her i would do anything to help and i’m trying my best to help but i can’t pretend i’m okay. i held her hand so tightly and said i was trying to push strength into her. i told her she needed to tell me when she got to that low point because i would come running to her door, i told her i don’t care i’ll listen to everything thats on her mind. i begged her to tell me what she wanted and she said everything i’m doing was more than enough. she proceeds to tell me im the only one who knows. i hugged her and kissed her and left home. she tells me everything i give her aka love and attention is everything she doesn’t want she just wants to be alone. i profusely apologized about my breakdown and said i was being selfish and dismissive and self centered. i just thought maybe if she knew my side she’d want to fight extra hard or something? my friend said that it’s things people need to hear that they’re not alone. so i haven’t talked to her in a month. in the past month i have experienced the worst pain of my life so far i have gone to hell and i have not came back. i’m so angry at myself, my body is a wreck i haven’t taken my meds as a self punishment ive lost 7 pounds because i haven’t ate becaus i throw everything up. i’m so guilty and i feel so selfish even though 7 people (including one who lost a brother to suicide) agree with me that i didnt do anything inherently awful. i don’t know why she expected me to be cool with this. to fold my hands and be like sure how ahead of course not! her and i have always been so involved in each other’s problems so it was expected i wouldn’t take it so easy that’s how ive always been so hand on with helping and providing support. i feel like in that moment i know i wasnt providing support. i had one job one job only to listen and even then i fucked up. i know it sounds like i managed go turn a situation to be about me i’m angry too. been a month ,i messaged her apologizing begging her to say something anything i’ll do anything to make it up to her i promised i would never flip out again. nothing. am i fucked? what should i do next? what woukd you do in my situation. thank you sm

Hey there Rose,

It sounds like you did everything you could for your friend from the very beginning. You went out of your way to help support her and continued to do so for as long as you possibly could!

It’s so hard when we are helping to support a friend through suicidal thoughts/ impulses, it can be so very draining on us and even if we are in a good headspace ourselves at the time. It must also have been triggering for you at times with your past struggles with suicide. I know that you probably felt like you had to really help support your friend as she had for you throughout high school but it’s so important to remember that we as friends can only do so much and even though she was there for you in your time of need, you don’t owe her anything. I know that this may seem harsh but it’s the truth. She was there for you as she was in a place in her life where she felt like she could help to support you. With this being said though, because you are supporting your friend it’s so important that you look after yourself too, that you don’t let her life and struggles with suicide consume you and become the center of your world. I know how easy it is to let this happen too, I’ve done it myself, and hence why I know how important self-care is.

I know that you are upset with yourself for ‘blowing up’ at your friend when you had that picnic with her but it sounds like things just got too much for you and that things were building up inside of you until you exploded, like a volcano. Please don’t beat yourself up over this, you did your very best to hold on for as long as you did and I’m sure your friend was really appreciative of you for that. Going home and feeling so upset and worried for her though is not helpful or healthy at all for you. You need to have other enjoyments in life, other things that you can focus on other than your friend if that makes sense? And I think that this is partly why you reacted as you did when you were at that picnic with your friend, you just couldn’t handle things anymore which is quite understandable I think given how much stress and pressure you were under at the time.

Given everything that happened, I do not think you have messed up at all and that you should give yourself a bit of a break! We are only human after all and like all humans we can only deal with and cope with so much until it all becomes overwhelming and explodes up in our face. Does that makes sense? And I know, I know how much easier it is to say this when you’re on the outside looking in, but please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a loving, caring, beautiful person and yes, it hurts that you haven’t heard from your friend for such a long period of time, but maybe this is just what she needs right now?

For example, maybe it’s given her the push she needed to get some professional help and start therapy? Maybe it’s taught her to stand a bit more on her own two feet or helped her to realise that in life it isn’t healthy to just depend on one person when you are struggling so much and so it’s best to surround yourself with a group of people so they can all help you together, share helpful ideas, support one another, things like that. There’s also the possibility that she feels really bad and guilty for all she has put you through and she feels like she needs to give you a break and some time off from the stress and all the pressure that was thrust upon you.

I do not think it is fair on you that she has cut contact and hasn’t replied to you at all but it’s important to know that this is her issue not yours. You have not done anything wrong and only did the very best you could have done given the situation, but please know that you can only help someone so much and sometimes it’s up to the other person (your friend) to let you in and to help themselves a bit too.

So given your situation that you are currently in, I don’t think that there is much you can do right now. I know how hard it is to just sit in limbo with everything but what else can you do until your friend decides on what she needs and contacts you when she’s ready to. So maybe in the meantime be extra kind to yourself, look after you, do some things that you love and enjoy doing and more importantly reach out to people yourself when/ if you feel the need to!

I really do hope that this has helped a bit and please do keep us updated if you want and let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you’re going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #rose #suicidal friend #supporting a friend #picnic #looking after oneself #reaching out for help

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lesmismignon · 3 years

Text

replying to anon messages

In this post I shall reply to the messages that have been sitting in my inbox for a regrettably long period of time. (It is loooooong. Please click “keep reading” at your own risk.)

I’m not a very good correspondent. I’m very sorry. I never know what to say right off the bat, and then during 2019 and 2020 when I was mostly on hiatus, I would just post a chapter or two and poof back out, and on Tumblr I would browse a few things and then poof back out. I do not have a good track record with social media and online presence in general. And with real life problems (mostly due to work), at worst it was impossible to muster even the strength to write. It was maddening.

But there is something about Hellsing and its fandom that reels me back in even when I am far away. Excuse me if this sounds cheesy, but for me fandoms are like the orbit of a comet. If it is something that you loved, and will continue to love even when you are not “active” on it, you will come back to it, someday, somehow. I’ll always be grateful to Hellsing, for being an inspiration to write, for being a bridge to some of my dearest relationships, for some of the kindest messages I’ve ever received in my life.

you freed yourself for a job that was not good for you and related to toxic people (Integra-like – demanding the respect you deserve). That is badass brave – and that doesn’t become less by that fact that maybe the next job you got is not the end of the journey but still part of the way. And you are brave by sharing your work, sharing your stories revealing parts of your emotional world to the outside – that is totally bad as too. I think you can be very proud of you, really. So maybe right now, you might be in situation that does not yet make you happy in way you deserve it. But you know- there is big chance that this is part of your journey to this place – imagine, in some time from now, you may be a successful (brilliant you are already) author and in an interview you say something like “yes, back there in 2016/17 I went through some tough times, that influenced the work very much I got this price for today”. So just in case you maybe cannot see it right now yourself – please allow me to tell you – you are brave and wonderful. And re. the brave decision you mentioned – I know I am not in the position to tell you anything – but please do not do any harm to you. So, thank you so much for your work you share with the world, my life is better with it. Take care for yourself, you deserve the best. (so sorry, I am really not good with words, hope you get my point….)

Anon, this was the kindest thing you could have ever done for little 2016/17 me. Oh God. Time does fly by so fast. I want you to know that I read this message a long time ago, and it gave me strength to go on, even though I’m not sure if I am so brave, to be compared to our lady Integra >< I hope you are happy and safe, wherever you are. I hope you know how brave and wonderful *you* are. Thank you so much.

just wanted to drop by and say I love all your fanfictions! You capture Integra and Alucard's characters so well; I LOVE it. Take all the time you need updating. You deserve it. And good luck at your job! <3

Ah, I probably changed jobs like twice since then. But they have been all good and meaningful in their own ways. I really did not mean to take THIS long in updating but I hope that you enjoyed the recent updates if you are still reading, thank you so much!

Why can I not write here? I just wanted you to know I am grateful for the reading joys that are 'Snow White' and 'Satis'...

Thank you Anon! I am so glad you enjoyed them!

I LOVE SATIS SO MUCH YOUR WRITING IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND FLOWY AND IT MAKES ME CRY PLEASE KEEP UP THE BRILLIANT WORK!!

Thank you Anon! You give me too much praise, but I shall indeed try to keep it up!

Hey so please don't take this as me pressuring you but I absolutely adore Satis! Is there any chance we might know when the next update is coming in? Totally understand if not- it sounds like work is taking a lot out of you and I understand that you're writing fan fiction purely for fun but DAMN IF I DON'T WANT TO READ MORE OF YOUR FIC OMG I LOVE IT SO MUCH ASDFGHJKL!!!

I’m sorry it’s been ages! I’ll tell you my schedule(???) for this year instead! For this year of 2021 I really hope to average maybe at least 1 chapter a month but I don’t know how I’ll fare during the busy months. I hope you enjoyed the recent chapters if you are still reading!

@fierce-little-miana Can you believe that I have just noticed that I had given you any kudos for Snow White or Satis?! Sorry! Your stories are really worth all the praise we can give them. (so I corrected it) Have a nice day!

Thank you! I’m terribly sorry for this late reply. You’ve been so kind and sent so many lovely messages. Thank you again for each and every one of them!

@sinish-tem Hey sorryy for bothering you but. That ALutegra fic was AMAZING!!I LOVE IT!Amazing job sport<3

You’re not bothering me at all! Thank you old sport!

So I don't mean to rush you or be annoying or anything, but is Satis still happening? (plz plz say yes)

You’re not being annoying! I’m sorry it took so long! Yes :)

Hello! So, um, I have to ask... is Satis going to be updated? It’s just that it’s one of my absolute favorite stories by my absolute favorite author!

Thank you! I’m honored! I hope you enjoyed the recent chapters if you’re still reading!

Hi! Are you still around? Are you doing ok?

Yes, I am fine now, thank you :) I hope you are doing well, too!

@aniphine Hi! First off, I want to say that I absolutely love your writing style and am so looking forward to diving into all of your fics! I just finished Satis and it’s definitely in my Top 10 Fanfics ever, which is saying something! Thanks so much for writing it. On that note, I wanted to ask if you had plans to update it? If not, that’s totally cool - what you’ve written already is fantastic. But if so, I’d pledge my life to you in order to get a chance at reading more. 😆 Anyhoo, you’re awesome! 👋

Thank you so much! You are awesome too! I’m honored that Satis is in your top 10!!

@dontfuckingfollowmeifpornblog You still around?

I am now! Thank you!

@comixqueen Hello have I told you that I really love your Hellsing fics? ;u;/ They're among the best out there and I reread them often!

Thank you very much. That means a lot to me from you. Thank you for rereading, I’m always wary of my earlier writing but I’m glad if people still enjoy them.

I have never squealed higher than when I received the notification for the new chapter of Satis. You are a true blessing <3 thank you for your words

You are a blessing! Thank you so much!

Hello! I know you're not very active around here, but I just saw a trailer for a movie based on the letters of Vita and Virginia, and I was immediately reminded of Satis and the quotes you so expertly used in the narration, and I thought I might tell you in case you're interested in the movie (the title is literally Vita and Virginia) <3

Thank you Anon! I did see the trailer! I haven’t seen the movie yet though, but I will, eventually! I am so glad you think I did the quotes justice! It’s such a beautiful quote.

Not sure how to start this, might be a little bold, and yet; let me simply say that I am in love with your written works. In fact, so much so that I read it all again, and again. It never ceases to amaze. And as for you, the person behind it all, you do seem immensely precious as well. I hope that you have the most fantastic day, you deserve no less.

Anon, you are so very kind. Thank you so much for your lovely words. I am just an ordinary person unusually invested in a particular set of fictional characters xD and I am often late to things and a bad correspondent, but I must be doing something right if you’re sending me a message as lovely as this. Thank you again, I hope you are having fantastic days as well.

Honestly ive read your snow white fic years ago but I loved it insanely much and im about to read it again today ^.^

Thank you Anon! Ah, Snow White. I am very glad you still enjoy it. It is so old, and I wish I had the courage to edit it and spruce it up, or even update an extra or two...

Are you ever planning to continue Satis? I’m in love with that piece of work.

Thank you Anon! Yes! I hope you enjoyed the recent chapters!

My literal text to a friend of mine that's also a fan of Satis when I got the AO3 mail about the new chapter was: "NOW THEY'RE FINALLY STARTING TO BE *HAPPY* HOLIDAYS"

I am very glad I was able to bring you holiday cheer. Would it be bold of me if I say I aim to bring you non-holiday cheer as well, now? xD Thank you so much!

HEY JUST CAME HERE TO SAY I LOVE SATIS, OKAY BYYYYE

HELLO ANON! THANK YOUUUUU

#anon #reply

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lady-plantagenet · 3 years

Note

I see you are inspired by my rambling huhu. 2, 19 and 25 for the history meme!

In response to: Tumblr History Ask Meme: https://lady-plantagenet.tumblr.com/post/643743359209472000/ive-seen-plenty-of-tumblr-ask-challenges-but

Umm... YES I HAVE. Thank you for that friend 💕.

2- What is your country most famous for in history?

Oh this is really really easy... Vlad the Impaler; or as we call him - Vlad the Dragon. I would also like to take this as an opportunity to say that I feel a bit uncomfortable with the West’s obsession with Dracula and, by extension, his sadism. The real figure was just so much more compelling and interesting and this caricaturisation of him is inappropriate. No beef with Bram Stoker of course, just more irritated by what grew out as a result of that novel (which I have yet to read). He was fair, penalised laziness and theft, was a byword for greatness, piety and bravery in all of Europe and had it not been for him my country would have long become an Ottoman colony. He is the single-most most revered figure in Romania to the point where he is some sort of King Arthur for us. While I am happy that he has found world renown and in the west we are primarily associated with him, I would rather it be with the real man and not Dracula.

19 - What’s your favourite historical book?

Well, I’ve rambled about The Last of the Barons by Lord Edward Lytton-Bulwer enough to give everyone on here hives, so I’ll just give you the links to my other posts haha. One of these days when I am less stressed I will write an essay/book-review about it as a whole, though I am not worthy :(. I will give you my favourite historical non-fiction book and that is The Waning of the Middle Ages by Johan Huizinga. Mercy! When I found out they assign it as reading in some universities it restored my faith in humanity and the coming generations of medievalists. So far, I haven’t disagreed with Huizinga once, he really *gets it*, by it I mean the culture and beliefs of the 15th century (focusing almost solely on Burgundy and a little bit on France). I think it should be compulsory reading for all 15th century historical novelists even if you are setting your story in England. It is the finest example of thematic history around but also with an acute awareness of the practicalities and mechanics underpinning this system and hierarchy. It is written in a very idealistic wistful tone but doesn’t woobify the Middle Ages and idealises it past how its inhabitants would have seen it e.g. it admits that by the 15th century some parts of the pomp and such e.g. court rituals were performed with this sense of irony and even lampooned by some of its participants because they have really become overwrought and out-of-place not because the renaissance brought luxury, and end to barbarism or whatever. My Tumblr is full of quotes from his book and I am ashamed to say that I have ran into a very similar situation here as I had once with the aforementioned novel - I have not finished reading it because I am committed to only reading it when I can truly absorb what it is saying. It needs to be savoured as it is really not long.

25 - Who is the most overrated historical figure, in your opinion?

I do not want to copy you but I was itching to say that it is Richard III. I have recently encountered some users who are a fan of him and take a very healthy approach and I greatly admire them for that and I am not knocking on their interest by saying this - I swear. Personally, The Wars of the Roses, I find to be an interesting period generally so by extension yeah I think Richard is worth a study. My only issue is... he does not appear that remarkable? If anyone wants to debate me on this go ahead, I confess I haven’t dedicated a lot of time on reading about his life 1469 - 1483 where he was an able administrator (but then again that’s not the reason why most people are interested in him anyway). Hell, people in the 15th century weren’t fawning over him like they did with Edward IV, George Duke of Clarence or Richard Neville Earl of Warwick, not only did he ultimately fail (like the latter two) but he didn’t even have that diva appeal or humanness that makes you wonder what was going on in his mind. His motivations, to be honest, seem very easily discernible. For some time I wondered whether his deposition (and likely murder) of his nephews was down to some great concern for the common weal or utilitarianism - I have seen many thesis on him being some sort of ‘people’s champion’. I was intrigued. BUT I really feel like “the people” did not see it like that. Edward, Clarence and Warwick all experienced much higher popularity during their lifetimes so really how remarkable was he in this respect (again, tell me if you have a counter-argument, hell send an ask). Besides, in his 1483 coup, he chose to ally with Buckingham. Yes Buckingham - the very symbol of the high-handed feudal baron that Edward IV was trying to weaken to promote greater stability and suffered greatly in this enterprise. So my question is, did Richard III have any strong beliefs of his own that underpinned the 1483 coup? The execution of William Hastings was very baffling for me to understand for that it provides a further contradiction to my point about Richard wanting to promote an Edward-style stability in the realm. Hastings and the Woodvilles were both essential for that and something good really could have come out of them working together for Edward V. Also, no one hit me with the ‘his life was in danger’. He had the military power to easily crush all the Woodvilles if they all banded together against him (whether that was even their intention in the first place is another story).

Also, the historiographical debate which is what really makes him is getting very trite lately. That is not to say I am not eager to see what others have to say - I have great faith in some of the people I’ve met on this site, BUT, as a whole, what is being written in blogs, books and articles so far is hardly riveting. You could tide me over if you hit me with facts that he was unusually precocious or incredibly hard-working (both I get a sense of) but I really could not care less that he stayed loyal to his brother. Like most people did, that’s how Clarence and Warwick lost... as Hicks pointed out, he was a third son [sic fourth] there really was not other prospect for him and his advancement than sticking with Edward. Also what is with people’s obsession with loyalty on here? I get a medieval person’s concern with being loyal but this is the 21st century. So yeah he’s overrated in the sense that he is really not that special. Not in a saintly too-good-for-the-world sort of way nor in a tittilating oh-wow-he-is-sooo-evil-nice~~. He was a great man in many ways and deserves interest invested into him. Let me make this clear ~ I don’t think he’s basic or whatever. But given the proportion that this is to nowadays he is severely overrated. I’m talking millions of pounds, an ECHR trial, nearly one hundred novels, a stately funeral and all this distorts popular history’s approach to the period as a whole in a way that really annoys me - often with Clarence being made to look far more incompetent, insignificant and lame as a consequence (which admittedly is more of a me problem but then again this is an opinion meme).

#anyone else feel free to ask me!#🍷❤️#fr sometimes I cringe at myself for getting so riled up about this type of stuff #oh well #richard iii #george of clarence #edward iv #richard neville 16th earl of warwick #lord warwick #richard neville earl of warwick #warwick the kingmaker #george plantagenet #george duke of clarence

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princesssarcastia · 4 years

Text

more aos!trek sense8 au

hi! I’ve decided to commit to the crazy and continue writing this au. i have no fucking clue what I’m doing, but I am a sucker for outsider POV, so uh. have some outsider POV.

—

Little Nyota has a voracious appetite for languages and alien cultures and the stars; smart as a whip, too. None of them laugh when her five-year old brow furrows and she declares she’s going to learn all of the languages, because—

Well. If Lela would believe it of anyone, it would be her niece.

But this is...unexpected.

After that Starfleet recruiter turned up at their class, she begs and begs and begs, twirling around the yard to find one old-enough relative to take her on a tour of the outpost in their city.

Lela knows what it feels like to be so excited about the future you can’t breathe, so she smiles and agrees.

The tour guide for the Starfleet outpost is Vulcan, of all things; a rarity, though more common here than other parts of the world. The dry heat of their city is apparently similar to that of Vulcan.

And when the Lieutenant greets their group, Nyota straightens her spine and offers the ta’al right back, with a carefully articulated Vulcan phrase. A greeting.

Lela stares at her niece in shock. No Uhura had taught her that, and it wasn’t offered in school yet. How...

The Lieutenant raises an eyebrow, more expression than Lela’s ever seen on a Vulcan, and says something else to Nyota, who nearly vibrates with excitement before screwing up her face and replying again. She didn’t just pick up stock phrases, she’s actually speaking Vulcan.

They head out for the tour soon after; Nyota whispering to one of her invisible friends the entire time.

No one seems to know how Nyota learned to speak Vulcan, when Lela asks, and eventually they write it off as part and parcel of raising a linguistic genius.

—

Alexei watches on, curious, as his nephew goes through what looks like basic fencing sets: lunge, parry, riposte, repeat.

Every so often he will adjust his stance, as though he’s being corrected.

Another one of his mind-friends, no doubt. After everything he’s seen in his life, Alexei saw no reason to doubt Pavel’s claim that he shared a telepathic bond with six other people.

It didn’t hurt that verifying their existence was relatively easy, once Alexei had their names.

“Watch your footwork on your retreat, Pashenka,” he calls firmly, observing how Pavel reacts to the interruption and the criticism. Smiles, when his nephew corrects himself again and throws him a grin without pausing.

These mind-friends of his are good for Pavel.

—

Amanda retreats to the balcony in the early morning, as she always does. The cool night air hasn’t entirely dissipated yet, allowing her to enjoy the fresh air until the heat of the Vulcan day chases her back inside.

Today, Spock follows her. He’s spent less and less time sitting with her as his schooling progresses. It hurts her heart, a little, to watch him draw away, and she suspects the attitudes of his classmates may have something to do with it, but she also knows her son’s devotion to be just like his father would have pulled him in that direction anyway.

So she gives him as big a smile as he can be comfortable with when he settles across the table from her.

“Mother, I have a query,” he says solemnly. Her mouth twitches at the expression on his face, just a little, but she knows better than to laugh at her serious boy.

“Go ahead, Spock.”

“Do humans ever exhibit signs of telepathy or empathetic abilities?”

She blinks. “Certainly. Humans of non-human descent often take on such abilities.”

He frowns, just a little, and she sees she must have misunderstood him. “But do humans ever spontaneously develop telepathic bonds with one another as children?”

Something in her stills. She recalls her studies of the Eugenics Wars on Earth and takes a deep breath. “Not in recent memory, but there are unconfirmed reports of such bonds developing before the Eugenics Wars. It’s believed if the ability ever did exist naturally in humanity, it died out then.” Amanda hesitates, then says, “There are some family records of that period to indicate that my ancestors may have possessed something like this ability.”

Spock’s face clears, and Amanda knows she guessed correctly. ��Spock,” she says gently, “have you experienced one of these bonds?”

“Yes, mother. Six of them. Nyota and Jim were unable to determine the origins of the bonds through their research, but I predicted you would have some knowledge of it.” Something she wouldn’t hesitate to call satisfaction or pride on a human brushes across his face.

“Six,” she breathes. There is no reason to lie, and Spock’s preternatural telepathic abilities are well documented. This is not beyond the realm of possibility.

Sarek, she knows, will ask how long this has been happening, want to calculate the distance between Spock and these other people, measure the strength of the bonds. But those are questions for Sarek to ask.

Instead, Amanda asks, “What are their names?” and sees her son’s face brighten for the first time in ages

—

Sharon monitors the signals from USS Shenzhou, USS Farragut, and USS Prometheus, all schedule to check in with Command today, when she notices a sonic anomaly in one of the transmissions. Only, they don’t look like subspace, more—

“..hear me? —lo, can you hear me? —fleet command, —me?”

Her eyes narrow. That voice doesn’t sound right, and they’re not hailing from any assigned frequencies. How the hell...

She boosts the transmission. “This is Starfleet command; state your name and location.”

“Oh, thank god! Uh, my name is Nyota Uhura and you have to send a ship to Tarsus IV, now! Governor Kodos, he’s—”

The voice cuts out again. Sharon frowns and responds. “Kid, I have no idea how you got on this frequency, but this is reserved for Starfleet communications only.” She makes a note in the log and then scrambles the line.

Only, five minutes later it happens again.

“Starfleet command, can you hear me? This is Nyota Uhura again, you have to listen, please he’s ki—”

Who the hell is this girl? “Listen, Uhura, this frequency is reserved for Starfleet Command. You need to clear it for official business.” She reaches out to scramble the line again when her voice comes through, much clearer this time.

“Please, he’s killing them, he’s shooting them! You have to listen, please!”

Killing? “Who’s killing who?” She says sharply, hands hovering over the controls. God, what the hell, the girl sounds genuinely distressed. Val’tk turns to look at her questioningly and she waves her hand at him.

“Governor Kodos, on Tarsus IV. He’s—he shooting them. He told them he had to kill them, the crops are failing, they don’t have enough food, please you have to send someone right now!”

“Tarsus IV?” Sharon replies. “The new colony near uncharted space?” She hesitates. This would be a hell of a prank to play, but...

Muting her transmitter, she turns to Val’tk. “When was the last transmission from Tarsus IV?”

He eyes her, but pulls up the logs anyway. His eyes race over the data. “A few days ago; nothing out of the ordinary.”

She frowns, and unmutes. “Look, nice try, kid, but seeing as you’re on Earth and Tarsus hasn’t reported crop failures of any kind, there’s no way what you’re saying is true.” A few more seconds and she initiates traceback on the signal, putting her somewhere in eastern African Confederation.

“Now, I’m ordering you to surrender this line, as it’s reserved for Starfleet Command only.” And she scrambles it again, kicking Uhura, whoever she is, off the frequency.

But then the kid comes back again.

“Starfleet Command, this is Nyota Uhura, again. I’m not going to stop until you listen to me! Please, just—please. Jim needs your help! They’re running away from the guards now but I think—I think everyone’s dead,” her voice breaks, and Sharon hesitates again.

Jesus, this is crazy, there’s no way. But...oh, fuck it.

“Look, Uhura, there’s no proof what you’re saying is true. Where are you even getting this information?” She asks.

The line falls silent, for long enough that she considers switching it off again, but then Uhura comes back.

“You can...you can contact the Vulcan embassy. What’s your name?”

And now they’re back to crazy, but there’s still something about this...”Lieutenant Sharon Cartwright.”

“Lieutenant, contact the Vulcan embassy and tell them your name. They’ll put you through to...to someone who can confirm what’s happening.”

“Look, kid, I don’t have time for—”

“Please, I’m begging you, please. The longer you wait the more people are going to die, just contact the embassy!”

Fuck. Is she really doing this?

“Hey, there’s...” Val’tk interrupts. “Someone from United Earth just requested access to the Tarsus IV data transmissions. It’s here in the logs.” Sharon turns to him and feels something uneasy work through her stomach.

She stares at Val’tk for a long moment. “Alright, kid. Please hold.”

What even is the line for the Vulcan Embassy in San Francisco? Her fingers fly through the contact list, and she pulls up their number.

Man, she’s going to get in so much trouble for this if they’re wrong. “Vulcan embassy, this is,” she blows out, “Lieutenant Sharon Cartwright from Starfleet Command. I’m told you can put me through to someone to confirm what’s happening on Tarsus IV?”

A pause, a long pause, where Sharon goes back to thinking, this is nuts, I just got pnked by some asshole with a ham radio, when the Vulcan says, “One moment. Connecting you to Ambassador Sarek now.”

“Ambassador Sarek?” she blurts, but they’re already putting her through.

The ambassador doesn’t waste any time. “Lieutenant Cartwright, I can indeed confirm what Ms. Uhura has told you about Tarsus IV. Governor Kodos’s guards have opened fired on the colonists, for reasons unknown at this time. We do not yet know how many are dead.”

Sharon just...stops. Checks that she’s really taking to the Ambassador from Vulcan again. Stares back at Val’tk, who hasn’t stopped looking at her.

“I’m going to...put you through to Commander Aldrin, Ambassador.” She mechanically transfer’s the Ambassador’s line, sends a notification that her CO needs to pick up the comm right the fuck now what the fuck is happening.

Then she takes Uhura off hold. “Uhura, the Ambassador confirmed your story. I don’t,” Sharon laughs shortly, hysteria bubbling up her chest, “I have no clue what’s going on, kid, but I’m pretty sure you do. Where are you getting your information?”

Crackling silence, then, “I share a telepathic bond with one of the colonists.”

“And what’s his name, kid?”

“Jim Kirk.”

Telepathic bond, fuck. How clear is it? “What’s Jim Kirk,” she looks at Val’tk pointedly, “doing right now?” Val’tk moves hurriedly to pull the information up. Fuck if this isn’t either of their jobs, but also fuck if Sharon’s going to foist this off on someone else.

“Running. He’s—they’re running. When he figured it out he grabbed people and they starting running and the guards started shooting and now they’re outside and it’s loud and—”

I put this kid on hold, Sharon thinks. I kicked her off the line, twice. “Okay, Uhura. It’ll be—” alright? no it won’t, fuck, “the Ambassador is talking to Starfleet right now, we’re aware of the situation. Just keep talking to me, okay? Can you do that, Uhura?”

“...yes. Yes, I can do that, Lieutenant.”

—

Chris blinks at the sight of that crazy Russian genius kid everyone keeps going on about waving his hands in Spock’s face yelling about math.

And then raises his eyebrows when Spock starts clearly arguing back, with more agitation in his movements than Chris has ever seen before, even that one time they got into it with the Tellarite delegation on that one planet.

Huh. Now that he thinks about it, they’re about the same age, even though Spock seems so much older in Chris’s head.

“Lieutenant Commander Spock,” he calls out, stepping forward to insert himself into the conversation, just because he’s curious.

Spock immediately straightens and pulls out of whatever staring contest he’d been in. “Yes, Captain.” He salutes, picture perfect, while the Russian kid is still pulling himself out of whatever fugue math-rage he’s in.

“At ease.” Chris nods to the kid. “And who’s this?”

“Oh!” He gets off a salute and immediately starts babbling. “Chekov, sir, Pavel Andreievich. Sorry, sir. We were just arguing about the mass gap and Yang-Mills existence.”

“Of course you were.”

—

Hendorff spend the entire shuttle ride trying not to send angry, confused glances at Uhura. His abdomen is still bruised like a peach from where she planted her foot in his stomach out of nowhere, just because he hit the townie hitting on her.

Yeah, he was buzzed, but she was clearly miles ahead of this asshole. She should be thanking him.

But instead, she and the asshole spend the entire ride sitting next to each other, leaning into the space between them. He’s had classes with Uhura before, last year, and they see each other in passing around campus; not once did she seem like she was...basking in anyone’s presence like she is right now. Even helped him with his fucking seatbelt!

At least the asshole seems just as awed to be sitting next to her, but come on. He calls bullshit.

And then the shuttle lands.

They dock right on campus and the other cadets start unlatching and pouring out the hatch, bleeding off in twos and threes while Captain Pike does final checks before shutdown. Uhura and the asshole practically leap out the door, and Hendorff catches up just in time to see them crash into a group of cadets waiting just outside.

He recognizes them, mostly; the same guys Uhura spends all her time with. Not that Hendorff is keeping tabs, its just that everyone knows who they are. Academy rumor has it they’re either going to run the ‘fleet someday, or burn it to the ground.

All four of them, Uhura, Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov, have the asshole in a death grip, seeming to clutch at whatever part of him and each other they can reach. He feels something like unease run down his spine. Maybe...maybe they know each other?

Fuck, of course they knew each other, you don’t hug a stranger like that. Now the question is how the hell do they know each other.

As he sidesteps them (still basically right in front of the shuttle hatch, like they hadn’t noticed they were in the way and about fifteen different people stopped to gawk) he hears the asshole say, “When does Bones get in? And where the hell is Spock, huh?”

At that point, he mentally throws up his hands and surrenders to the confusion. No fucking way he’ll figure out how a dumb hick from Iowa knows Starfleet’s brightest cadets and Lieutenant Commander Spock before even setting foot on campus.

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witch-of-ren · 3 years

Note

hi!! I saw your post titled "Hades' library" and was wondering if you've read anymore books with him since then? im a huge book reader and a Hades devotee that's trying to get back onto better devotionals for him since ive been struggling, so I thought I'd share that w him :) is the night circus good? id love more recs, im more into fiction books but anything u got I can try!! tysm

Hi!

I have not read anymore books with him, or even finished Night Circus. I’ve been struggling to really get into books recently and reading has seemed like a chore rather than something fun for me recently. BUT that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a ton of books to recommend. I got carried away, so they’re under the cut. :P

The Night Circus, for one. It’s very good! Erin Morgenstern is one of my favorite authors and that book is beautifully done. It has magic, mystery, romance...pretty much everything you could ask for. Including POC cast (Tsukiko being one of my favorites) and LGBT characters. “The circus arrives without warning. No announcements precede it. It is simply there, when yesterday it was not.”

Next up...The Starless Sea. Another Erin Morgenstern book. I daresay this was better than The Night Circus. Again, POC cast and LGBT. The main romance is LGBT and done very well. Mystery, magic, witchcraft...it’s got a wonderful plot. I read it all in two days, the majority in one sitting and it felt like coming out of a deep sleep when I was done. One of the tattoos I plan to get is going to be related to that book. “Strange, isn’t it? To love a book. When the words on the pages become so precious that they feel like part of your own history because they are. It’s nice to finally have someone read stories I know so intimately.”

It’s been awhile since I’ve read it, but Even the Darkest Stars (Heather Fawcett) was a good one. It has a sequel now and I keep meaning to read it. Another fantasy one. Magic, witches, demons, adventures. This is similar to the Grishaverse (Shadow and Bone series/Six of Crows) with its setting and some of the magic, but there’s some solid differences. The ending made me mad but I think it sets up the sequel well. “I wanted to push against the world and feel it push back.”

The Deep by Rivers Solomon is a short novel, perhaps one would call it a novella. It’s POC centered and it has an intense storyline. LGBT if I remember, too. Gorgeous story about mermaids who descended from African people thrown overboard on slave ships as they came to America. “What does it mean to be born of the dead? What does it mean to begin?”

While we’re talking about mermaids, here’s my plug for the Waterfire Saga (starting with Deep Blue). It’s actually really good and I adored reading it. I think I read through the whole series in one sitting while I was sick once. “One is not born knowing how to lead, one learns.”

These next few are going to be more in the realistic fiction, young adult fiction genre but there’s a reason for each. A piece of what, personally, working with Hades is supposed to mean and what he can represent in a relationship.

My Fairy Godmother is A Drag Queen (David Clawson). It’s a new take on an old fairytale in a modern age, but the message underlying is to be yourself and be that unapologetically. And that money and fame don’t buy happiness. It’s a humorous book and I really need to read it again. “I just felt like . . . me. And whatever “me” meant, that was perfectly fine and absolutely enough. Everyone should feel that kind of peace and self-acceptance far more often than I think most of us do.”

Starfish by Akemi Dawn Bowman (I’d say any of her books besides Infinity Courts, since that’s a different genre, but there’s two I’d like to talk about in particular). This book features POC cast. I believe Kiko, the protag, is half Japanese and half white? The message here is similar to the one above, but it deals more with breaking away from the trauma added on to expectations or an external force. I saw a lot of my relationship with my step-grandmother in this story and I sent a copy to my cousin. We both learned and grew and healed from this story and the lesson taught. “I want to find self-worth without needing it to come from someone's approval.”

Summer Bird Blue (Akemi Dawn Bowman). This one is a lot heavier, topic wise. And actually, it’s really fitting for me at the moment. The main character loses her sister and has to figure out life without her. She goes through a period where she loses touch with her music, one of the most important things to her. It’s written partly in Pidgin (a mix of English and Hawaiian) so good luck, but it’s a beautiful story of healing and recovering from losing your other half. “Grief is a monster - not everyone gets out alive, and those who do might only survive in pieces. But it's a monster that can be conquered, with time.”

Broken Things (Lauren Oliver) Murder mystery! Uncovering the truth and laying an old friend to rest. But with drama and healing. It’s told really well and the ending caught me so off guard. I usually can’t read murder mysteries because I always guess the ending and am disappointed when I’m right. Couldn’t have guessed this one. “That’s the thing about hearts. They don’t get put back together, not really. They just get patched. But the damage is still there.”

Finally...They Both Die at The End (Adam Silvera). Coming to terms with the inevitable end of life. This book follows to characters who know they’re going to die. LGBT romance in here as well. It’s a wild ride of a book and well, the title is completely true. There’s dealing with guilt, regret, anxiety, and other feelings that someone on their deathbed would usually have. “Maybe it's better to have gotten it right and been happy for one day instead of living a lifetime of wrongs.”

I hope that gives you some ideas! Some of these deal with really heavy topics, so please look into that just to be sure so you’re not caught off guard.

- Ren

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