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#but im still lonely i still want our old relationship back

reidslovely · 1 year

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idk My maladaptive daydream scenarios have been thinking about Toxic! Peter and whatnot.

Like him being like that bc of Gwendy’s death (but before he was like that too- with there on and off relationship 😒). So him and reader have an on and off thing going on and reader is tired of his shit and finally breaks up w/ him . And at first he’s like “pssh yeah whatever” but a few months to a year go by and he realizes how bad he fucked up. Maybe he gets Spider-man to woo her over or maybe jus regular old peter.

Sorry this was so long, like I said it was a maladaptive day dream scenario so its been on reply in my mind. I really love your writing by the way and hope you’re back for our Spider-boy like you said in your post 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

hi friend!! i am back for our spider-boy and i'm so sooo happy to be back thank you guys for welcoming me back 🩶🩶🩶. and honestly...toxic peter has been on my mind too recently especially after rewatching tasm 2 because what the fuck peter???

he dumps gwen after graduation and he's so pathetically lonely and yeah he follows gwen around but it doesn't really do anything for him. so he wonders off and finds some fucked up solace in his next door neighbor who had always had a thing for him. he just shows up on her doorstep playing the role of kicked puppy so well, she can't help but to let him back in and let it be how it was before Gwen came in senior year and she got all of his attention. Peter takes her on romantic dates, sweet long kisses, fun jokes one week but the next it's like she doesn't exist to him (definitely slips up calling her gwen on occasion.) especially after he and Gwen start talking again, but Peter still has her on the side.

One night he's ready to sneak in her window, that she usually leave unlocked for him, ready to make up being gone for so many weeks. But it's locked. He knocks on the door, his eyebrows furrowed motioning to the lock pulling it, but not hard enough because he could easily break that lock if he really wanted. "baby open the window come on." he teases. "I said I was sorry, come on."

he's playing kicked puppy again, and she almost lets him in. "Come on she doesn't want me, you do." "that's the reason you want me. you don't love me peter, you don't even know me anymore." "you're being fucking ridiculous" he laughs waiting for a moment seeing her not even budging from her spot on the bed. "open the window (y/n)" he says his voice loosing its humor. "go home peter, im over it." she said closing the curtains on him. and he doesn't care. at least he convinces himself he doesn't care. it was her loss, he was a fucking catch. all he did this whole time was respect her and she was blowing this up. except till the one person he had outside of her dies right in front of him. he lost gwen completely this time, there is no comeback there is no way to redeem himself. and he actually starts to see the monster he's become. he hurt gwen multiple times and she was still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt every time. he even thinks of (y/n) time to time and how badly he treated her because he was wrapped up in himself and what was best for him. he watched her a lot in his six months of bedroom grieving, like how he would with gwen. he watched her sit out on her roof writing or doing work, he watched her leave for work and come home at night. they locked eyes one night when he was standing on his roof, about to change into the suit for the first time in months. he thought he even saw her smile at him like she used too. it definitely take a toll on him because though this alone time was needed to help him process, but he missed being cradled by her. missed the way her hands tangled in his hair, missed when she'd laugh to make him smile. he did miss her, but she'd never accept that. it takes three weeks to the day, till he is on her window again, sweat clung to his forehead, his mask torn and exposing crucial parts of his face. he didn't even get to knock on the window before she's helping him in, sitting him on the floor pulling the mask off his face. he's crying from pain and regret, apologies spewing out of his mouth. she gets the mask off his face, asking him what he needs. He shakes his head holding her hand that's on applying pressure to his bleeding ribs. "need you." "god even in times like this all you wan.." "-to forgive me. 'm sorry so sorry. I do..do care about you. you're the only person I wanted..wanted to see-" "you're gonna wind yourself peter, we can talk about this later. what do you need?" "like fifteen tylenol, my body will heal it's self." she, though argues him not needing to take that many tylenol, gets him what he asks for and helps him change while wrapping his ribs. they end the night with heartfelt conversations, and peter swearing he'll spend the rest of his life making this up to her, and showing her what he really deserves.

yeah..this has been brewing. so sorry if you were not asking me to write, I started and couldn't stop lmao thank you for sharing your daydream with me friend and trust me no worries about the length I'm also longwinded 🫶🏼

#tasm andrew garfield #tasm peter #tasm peter parker x reader #tasm peter x reader #bambi writes #bambi rambles #bambi answers asks

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kohakhearts · 5 months

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ok i was sleep deprived tweeting about this but i got at least 6 hours of sleep last night so im ready to approach this with a degree of normalness. anyway remember when i said i was going to start shipping bloombolt ironically. well lets just say ive been thinking about things they have in common LMFAO but you’re likely unsurprised this is actually my way of saying Here’s How ShigeGou Can Still Win-

ANYWAY THE POINT BEING. goh? terrible friend. god he sucks. actually, chloe doesn’t even consider him a friend, at least not to his face (probably because he thinks friends are a hinderance to his goals and he’s got a lot of problems that make him think he doesn’t need friends he just needs to be the Bestest Coolest Guy Ever Who Knows Everything About Pokemon). in their debut episode they are 6 years old and she introduces him as someone who “hangs around my dad’s lab a lot” (possibly could be “comes to play at my dad’s lab a lot,” which isn’t REALLY much better - still holds the implication that he comes to play with her dad’s pokemon or his cool pokemon-related technology rather than her). she says to professor oak she invited him to pokemon camp simply because he’s always at her dad’s lab and she knew he’d like it.

ok now hear me out here. aside from the fact that she doesn’t EVER call herself goh’s friend, there is zero indication that chloe dislikes goh. actually, she tries pretty hard for him! she clearly likes him, or at least feels bad for him because she can tell he’s lonely (i theorize this is because he’s just like her. that her father’s status as what professor oak himself in this same scene calls A GENIUS has resulted in her feeling somewhat isolated. it’s probably in that “adults always want to talk about how great my dad is and the other kids pick up on it and think i’m Weird And Annoying because all our teachers and their parents seem to think i’m Special” way). it seems that her refusal to acknowledge that they Are friends stems more from the fact that she is aware - perhaps from experience - that attempting to establish that they Are friends will only make him push back, and maybe push her away. she is playing a game with rules that he decided on because his Complex is so ingrained in him even at 6 years old that he tells her to her face I Don’t Need Friends >:(

if this is sounding at all familiar, perhaps you’ve heard my pallet childhood friends spiel. if not, not to worry, for i wrote all about it here. the tl;dr here however is that whether or not ash and gary being childhood friends who go like see movies together or whatever is a late-series addition, there’s actually no good reason to think they DON’T have some kind of established relationship prior to the season one pilot. actually, it seems more as though gary has made the decision for the both of them that it’s time to stop being kids and start being serious - on the day they get their first pokemon, he declares ash his rival and begins calling him satoshi-kun in order to establish that we are not friends, you don’t take this seriously and so i won’t take you seriously until you show me you’re worth being my rival.

you could argue ash isn’t as understanding as chloe, so rather than you know, bringing him his homework and whatnot, he just gets pissed off. HOWEVER, they actually both do the same thing: reach out, constantly, and get rejected over and over. in jn002 goh stands chloe up and then when he finally responds to her messages all he says is essentially “i’m doing something more important than that, sorry” and her reaction is “he always does this.” likewise, ash takes gary’s rival declaration seriously! every time he sees the guy, he wants to battle, to prove himself to him (that he’s worthy, that he’s better than gary thinks, etc etc). for a good 200 or so episodes, every time gary shows up, all he does is walk away from ash. barring that, making fun of him for being no good at battling, yet never actually engaging him in a battle to prove it. the first time gary actually tries to battle him is after they’ve both received eight (uh. or ten) gym badges. the first time they actually battle is way after that. and then he wins and continues to just walk away again, until pretty close to the end of the johto arc (though there’s a little more respect there).

anyway the parallel is pretty obvious. at least to me. there's something deeply wrong with them both <3 which is why then in the project mew arc, who is the one telling goh that he has to be good at teamwork? that he has to learn to cooperate with people in order to achieve his goals? obviously ash is the one who taught goh about The Meaning Of FriendshipTM, but gary occupies a unique position of actually understanding why this is a skill he needs to work on, because it's something he had to learn the hard way too.

on the other hand! ash and chloe have their own fun solidarity: world's shittiest, most emotionally repressed childhood best friend who is allergic to the word friend to begin with

#taylor.txt #*meta #i guess. LMAO #im still not there like im not shipping it. but at the very least i am more here than ever for them Bonding in general

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flowertot-s · 2 years

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hi hi hello!! I love your art style, derek and edie look amazing!! please tell me everything about edie!! when did she start liking derek? how did she feel about the marriage pact? what’s her relationship with cove like? what did she do after high school? and any fun facts you wanna share!! :)

a total of One (1) person has asked abt my girl Edie so this means im allowed to go insane crazy. thats the rules soz babes

more info under the cut !

this is gonna start at step 2 bc thats where it’s more Interesting

during step 2, edie is an INCREDIBLY anxious girl; she got into an accident when she was 10 and became disabled, so she has to walk with crutches or a leg brace which makes her feel very insecure, mostly bc she would rather die than stand out at ALL

bc edie is so insecure she really latches on to basically anyone who gives her any form of attention, so when derek starts looking out for her n making sure she’s included in things, she IMMEDIATELY starts crushing on him. it’s different w cove, bc at first she had a crush on him too but realised it was more of an infatuation, mainly bc he was just someone new and interesting. cove has no idea about this, and she’ll take that secret with her to her grave. she almost hopes that by pushing her emotions down and ignoring them they’ll go away on their own - which obvs, they don’t. because of this insecurity, she finds herself really upset by derek’s marriage pact and denies it outright, mainly because at this point she doesn’t WANT to feel like she’s just an option for him when she’s spent so long being basically as in love as a 13 year old can be.

after she turns 18 during step 3, she’s absolutely MISERABLE. she has no idea what she wants to do with the rest of her life and feels very pressured to follow Liz’s success. she’s drifted away from cove a little bit, but still considers him her friend; however, she does still stay in touch with derek, and he's basically her lifeline at this point bc he magically seems to understand what she’s going through. She does a bunch of crazy shit to her appearance, like getting tons of piercings, getting tattoos, and dyeing her hair, because if everything in her life is out of her control, she can at least control how other people perceive her. she did really well in school, but during her high school years it took more and more effort to keep her grades from slipping.

between steps 3 and 4, she’s resolved to move to an entirely different country to start her whole life over from scratch. she studied law and criminology in England, rents her own place, gets in a few long term relationships, and nearly completely cuts contact with everyone she knew in Sunset Bird. while it worked for a while, she found herself feeling incredibly homesick and miserable. she hated to admit it, but she was lonely. once she graduated, she had no idea what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. she started a career as a clerk at a law office, hated it, and floated between a lot of different jobs while juggling a toxic relationship, loneliness, and post-grad study all at the same time. she decided that enough was enough, and reached out to derek for support; this is FINALLY where things start looking up for our girl.

step 4 happens, she visits derek, and all of her feelings come rushing back all at once and it takes ALL of her effort to not immediately confess her love for him when she first sees him (because she’d just gotten out of her last relationship and didn’t want to rush into anything). but to hell with that, as soon as derek offers to have her live with him, she immediately accepts and they get into a relationship. she feels like she’s spent too much of her life taking things slowly because of her own insecurities, and she’s not gonna let them stand in the way of her happiness anymore. she and derek would get married pretty quickly, and edie really starts coming out of her shell towards the beginning of step 4.

some other fun facts:

her favourite flavour of ice cream is mint chip

her star sign is scorpio

her love languages are acts of service and physical touch

her favourite movie series is lord of the rings

her mbti is ENTJ

she does eventually go on to repair her relationship with liz, though it takes some time

she and cove become closer friends again once she moves back to sunset bird

she sees mr suarez as her father figure

she got a hello kitty tramp stamp when she was drunk once and it’s still her favourite tattoo

she’s a GREAT storyteller

she’s dyed her hair every colour under the sun (her ends feel like STRAW at this point)

she’s a Pro GamerTM

I think career-wise she’d become an academic, as well as a college professor perhaps

thank u for reading this far ily

#oh lord i went kinda ham huh #hope u like it mwah #Our Life Beginnings & Always #OL:BA #derek suarez #our life beginnings and always derek #our life derek #our life headcanons #our life jamie last #ol:ba oc #original character

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blonkk · 5 months

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im gonna rant!!!

i’m so tireeddddd of people projecting their pathetic insecurities onto everyone else (me). like i’m sorry you’re afraid to be alone and you don’t know who you are and you’re insecure and you have no courage. not to be a bitch but seriously. idc anymore maybe i am stuck up maybe i do think i’m better than you!! but coming at me because i refuse to do what everyone else does with such contempt and vigour just exposes you. like i have accepted that in my life i will not experience romantic love. not because it doesn’t exist, it does for some people, but i’m not gonna base my entire life and goals around meeting someone, falling in love, marrying them and having their children. i’d be ready to end my shit right now if those were my goals, being 28 and not even having a boyfriend. that means i’ve already failed at life but i knowwww i’m still a caterpillar. like be serious. sooooo yeah, sorry that in your narrow worldview everyone needs to basically get married and have kids, and there’s “someone out there for you” — what so all women gotta find that person by age 30 or our lives are over?? 😂 you delusional weirdos sound like hardcore christians. like maybe there is someone for me who i’ll meet when i’m 45 or 70! maybe i’ll never meet them! maybe there isn’t anyone because that’s just the way the world is! but i’m selfish because i don’t want to spend my life being miserable because i can’t find love and place all chances of future happiness on this person and the privilege of bearing/raising their kids??!!? so i should just settle for second best — of something i don’t even WANT — because everyone says it’s the point of life?… anyways

i’m just annoyed like i said. i can accept a loveless life, it’s hard but i’m ok lol. yeah it gets sad and lonely sometimes but truth is i have a pretty wonderful life that i’m thankful for, despite sadness, loneliness, grief etc. being in love won’t improve things in any significant way imo. i don’t want to be isolated in a relationship with a man. i don’t want to live with a man. i don’t want to have kids. i like my life; i like my 50 year old snowboard bum roommate, i like my shit car, i like having the ability to do whatever i want. i like bouncing from job to job, despite the financial insecurity and general lack of stability; all my life i’ve wanted to be free and independent, and i finally am — i can take care of myself which is what matters. i love my friends, i love exploring different hobbies and places and careers. i am literally unemployed and haven’t been this happy in a long, long time. i’m so sick of people telling me they “want me to be happy” but ignore me when i say i finally truly am. they just want to shove me in their stifling little box with them for god knows what reason. just because you think your life is perfect doesn’t mean it will be for everyone. idk, things change! maybe i’ll change too! but for now shut the fuck up. go be in your annoying relationship with your insufferable bf/husband and tell everyone how much were missing out on by not being married/having kids. the gals a couple feminist waves back beg to differ along with the steadily rising divorce rates and rapidly declining marriage and birth rates.

you’re the one who’s unhappy. if not, then you simply lack compassion and general respect for others. your worldview is small and you’re ignorant. your life is yours, others have different wants and will follow the path that leads them to those things. we all suffer for our choices — sure, i may wish at times i had a spouse and a house and a mouse. that doesn’t mean it’s what i have always wanted deep deep down. it means it’s normal to wonder what it would be like to have what you don’t and yearn a little sometimes. BUT i’d literally never give up my freedom. i think back to high school often and how restricted i felt; i couldn’t breathe. i flailed in that environment because it was so rigid. i’m never, ever going back to that, ever. i have self respect

#dni #this was a lot my b #had to get it off me chesticles #sometimes i just want to shake people #like girl….congrats you got married….wow…women have been doing that forever lol #do something cool or different #like i’m tired of acting like it’s some big accomplishment to find love #idc #call #me bitter #call me whatever you want #i’m happy for my friends etc when they’re happily ina relationship or get married don’t get me wrong #the line is crossed when they act like it’s the point of life #and project unasked for pity on me #like seriously. you’ve done what women have been forced to do for millennia #…congrats? ig #anyways

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strawberry-barista · 1 year

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⚅ — Anonymous asked: — ⚅

⚅ — You were right, no one wants to hear what you have to say. Why would they? You're useless. No one needs you, not even Joshua, now that he has Hope. Every single person you love feels unloved, unloveable, do you really think that's a coincidence? No. You make them feel that way.

You push a sense of closeness onto everyone around you to fuel your own ego, your own desires, and are unwilling to consider any other kinds of relationships. You miss the warmth and comfort of your own family, and you try to fill that hole with impressionable, troubled "kids" who you claim to adopt. But what kind of parent has a favorite child, Sanae? How do you think Joel felt when you told him that? How do you think it feels to always play second-fiddle to a whiny, entitled brat who has done nothing but hurt you, who won't even let you avenge your own daughter?

Oh, but he lets you hug him. And kiss him. And where would you be without that? That's why you cling so hard, why you let him mistreat you--you would be so cold and lonely without him, and you couldn't stand that. It doesn't matter how subpar you think his personality is, because he shuts right up when you're giving him affection, anyways, and don't you love it when he does that?

Ah, well, don't let me stop you from continuing to ruin the lives of everyone you decide to "adopt." I hope the next old man who bumps foreheads with you and calls you "Kitten" is somehow able to love you back. — ⚅

Insult the Muse!

— ★ ⚄ ★ —

It takes Hanekoma a moment to respond to this. There was so much vehemence in it, and it was almost hateful in its delivery. He wondered if he had done something to hurt this person in the past. Or maybe it was just the case of someone trying so hard it was coming off as desperate...

In any case, it wasn't entirely wrong. He had made terrible mistakes, and he had to acknowledge that. He couldn't act like nothing happened. It was the current that really had any sway on things, though. Not that he should forget these past transgressions, but that he should move forward anyway. That was the name of the game, wasn't it? Move forward anyway.

He pulled a grin at his customer and turned to pour them a coffee float, "In the midst of all that, you still found a way to wish me happiness in the future? That's sweet'a ya, boss~ Mm... In all seriousness, though, you gotta know all that stuff, that... Those bad memories? They're just that. I have to do what I can to atone for that... Ah, but... That's probably not a satisfying answer, is it?"

He glanced over his shoulder to spy his guest, judging the weight in their posture before returning to his work. This one was coming along nicely, and it has was sure the dollop of ice cream would soften them up a bit.

"Let me address everything you've talked about, one at a time... I am... Painfully aware of just how much no one needs me. It's one of my biggest... Ah... Hurdles, I guess. I'm not supposed to call 'em problems anymore. Negative language, ya know. But yeah. That's something I gotta work on. Well, I just see it this way, now: if I'm not needed, all the better. That means they're doin' good, or they're on the road to doin' good. I shouldn't want someone to need me. Emotionally, spiritually, or physically. I want everyone to be independent and happy with their lives. And I'm glad Joshua is finding help in others. I want him to make more friends and family. It's good for 'im. It's a good step. It doesn't bother me if that pulls him away from me. He's free to live his life with whoever he wants to. I'll always be here for him either way. Mm... I dunno if I would agree that I'm the reason they feel that way, though, boss. We've all got our own hurdles to get over."

He finished brewing the coffee and scooped out the ice cream, being sure to doll it up a bit before he spun around and carefully placed the glass before his guest. If there was no one else in the café at the time, he was happy to show off his skills and be flashy here.

"Now, when it comes to my trying to use them to replace my own family, you're... Kind of right. I'll give ya that. I've got this big old hole in my chest, boss, and I wanna fill it with all the warmth and love and happiness that I miss from 'em. And so I try to build a family with those people I get invested in. And yeah, maybe I could learn to chill a little about that. After all, not everyone wants that outta me. Haz, too, he didn't wanna be that close. So... I'm learning to step back and respect their boundaries. That's something I'm working on right now. The reason I told Joel about how I felt was because I didn't want him to feel blindsided by that information later, or suddenly understand it to then feel as if he wasn't important because of it. And I didn't want him to feel lied to in case he already knew. Lemme give ya a little secret, boss. Most parents have favorites. I bet even single kids have parents who play favorites among their friends. But that's not what this is. My connection to Joshua is on a whole other kinda level. We're soulmates, I truly believe that. Bound by countless universes. He's literally the one person I am destined to be tied to, no matter what. Of course I love him most. I can't help that. But when your heart's as big as mine, there's plenty'a room, and that's the important thing."

And finally he leaned forward, pressed his elbows against the counter and he lowered himself down and gazed over his glasses at the other, really sized them up. He couldn't help how his smile got just a little bigger, how proud he was of himself for holding these truths in his hands and being able to look them full force, dead in the eye.

"Aaaand, about your little comment? I can truly say that I wish that for myself, too, one'a these days. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a part'a me still wishes it could be the obvious, but that's done and over. And I'm movin' on. I'm not holding out for anything, of course, but if I stumble into love, maybe I'll try a little harder next time, eh?"

#busy dizzy and lazy ⤙ic⤚⚄#you still lack in experience ⤙answer⤚⚄#is this a place to shine? ⤙post neo⤚⚄#mentioned: kingsmedley #mentioned: hopeful hugz #mentioned: fallenphxtxgrapher #mentioned: pureposer #long post tw #//CUT BECAUSE IT'S VV LONG GUYS

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xsuchapainx · 2 years

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I need to vent at least a bit… I don’t have much people in my life, tbh it’s always just one and currently it’s my bf with whom I have the most hard relationship ever. We r married bc of his papers, we are junkies plus I have really addictive personality as Im diagnosed with asperger I always charged my social energy/masking with it… plus after all the years Im left with oh god multiple mental shit I cannot really handle…we went tru two car crashes where the second one was him crashing on amfetamin and now he’s going through court shit. I only wanted us to have one good day without worrying about shit and IT WENT GREAT. I had one of the most beautiful days of my life till one old guy met us and lit forced our drunk asses to have a dinner and drinks with him. I in my lone-time did actually spent some time with old fucking dicks for cash and im 24/7 people pleaser I can’t say no even when I want to, instead I start just staring and leaving my body wich I loose almost any respect for. I in situations like that am hopeless… Back to the story I was hoping my bf will stand it and will drag me out of it if something happens… but well he didn’t, he let the old guy kiss me, in front of all the people that were sitting in the restaurant and ofc I didn’t pull myself away in a second, it took me time to realise and then I did, I started shaking and the old fucker started jerking under the table while touching my thighs, I wasn’t able to move I only felt small tears falling from my face. My bf was pissed but he didn’t do anything and I eventually made myself get my stuff and I left. When my bf came out he started yelling at me to give him the keys and I didn’t want to I knew he wants to leave me now bc I didn’t do anything about it n I was still so polite.Big drama on the street where I didn’t make a sound I just left the whole bag on the ground and decided to walk to one direction till i fell on the ground and I was honestly just trying to fucking breathe and the pain, anxiety and everything was burning me from inside out, everything blurry, everything fucked up. Eventually my bf came to me screaming sum shit how I fucked up, how i should have pull myself away in a second and all I knew I should have, I knew I fucked up…big time. I couldn’t get a sound of me n I was lit just trying to make myself die in the same place, I had broken vodka bottle in my bag as I threw it on the ground before and I cut my hands when I was desperately looking for I don’t even know what. I think two people stopped by me sitting and sobbing on the ground having extreme breakdown and my bf yelling at me… in the end he left. Im sucker in orientation and it took me some time till I stood up on my feet… and then the old dickhead from restaurant came out, started riding around me with his car, telling me to get in, multiple times I said no and then he crossed my way and again said “get in we are gonna find him” I didn’t want to get in I turned myself and he get out of his car, forced me to sit and call my bf who didn’t cared where Im sitting and he didn’t want to tell me where he is. It ended up with the old dickhead taking my phone, saying that Im not allowed to pick up my bfs calls and he gonna ride me home. I wish I would shit my pants but I didn’t… I wasn’t scared. I didn’t care… not at all. I was only hearing my phone ringing and I knew I wanna pick up and I couldn’t… i told him where I need to go, I said a slightly different address (like that would help me right) ofc he stopped my the highway resting place, started talking to me about my bf, that i don’t deserve him and than totally flipped the topic to asking what we do together, started jerking off… again I couldn’t fucking move myself even a bit. He moved to myself, trying to kiss me but I didn’t move w my face even a bit. Disgusting too spicy smell was going from him as he was trying to get to my panties… i still couldn’t move, scream …not even talk… eventually I got “home” He insisted to go with me n I didn’t said anything, i just ringed on the stranger’s house bell and hoped someone will open…

#tw vent

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lavenderek · 2 years

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...I hope this isn't too personal and feel free to ignore it if it is, but I saw you mentioned you think you have AVPD? If it's okay, how did you think that was right for you?

sorry this is a very old one. i honestly don't remember when you sent this.

the symptoms match me pretty much like a glove.

i've had so many negative social experiences that i developed a sense of constant embarrassment, regret, and panic. i can't remember the last time i haven't felt some level of awkwardness or distance when hanging out with someone. and no matter how close we are or how well it went, i always leave feeling certain i fucked it up somehow. i can't be reassured because i've been lied to in the past.

if someone says they love me i can't say it back. it feels wrong and mortifying in my mouth like the words shouldn't be in that order. and i'm positive that if i do say it, it's some kind of commitment that i won't be able to keep, either because they'll leave me or i'll panic and shut down.

i often feel trapped in social situations. moments of shame or humiliation from throughout my life replay in my head all day and all night, only stopping if i'm distracted. and even then, it interrupts me.

i keep track of how reciprocated my outreaches are. i never take relationships for granted because when i fuck it up, i'm ashamed of how brazen my comfort in it was in the first place.

i almost feel relieved after a bridge is burned, because i don't have to worry about that relationship anymore.

it feels like i'm trying to keep an ice cube from melting by not holding it for too long, you know, making sure to only hold it with my fingertips and switching it between my hands and stuff. but then when it does melt, i don't have to keep the ice cube from melting anymore. it's melted.

so in that way it kind of meshes with bpd. i've split on people before just because i felt like i couldn't get enough time away from them to recoup the energy it takes to be in a social situation. my brain, against my will, decides it's a lost cause. that's why it was important that i be able to live alone.

logically i know that pulling back from people is damaging to our relationship, and that they're probably confused about it. so i try to make an effort to reach out occasionally, even if i was the last one to message. and i've learned to be more comfortable with like, "we're not close but we like to joke now and then" friendships. but it took me a long time to get to this point.

and i'm still not normal. i don't know if i ever could be. it's been so long that even if someone wanted to be with me romantically, i don't think i would be able to let it happen. my entire nervous system reacts like i'm a water-shy dog being dragged into a bath. am i lonely? yeah, a lot of the time. there are things i wish i could have. things i've waited for since i was 12 years old. but i can't. and when i'm alone, it's less embarrassing.

i'm always embarrassed. i'm tired of being embarrassed.

and people tend not to like me, anyway, so it's win-win, honestly.

im avoidant in general.

sorry this was so long. hope it answers your question.

#haters #who is this even

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keulisutine · 4 months

Text

TAKING ONE STEP TO LIGHTEN MY LIFE

What is life all about? What is the purpose of our life? Well, the purpose of our lives is to be happy. But me, I don't know what is the purpose of my life, I dont know what my life all about.

When I was a kid, I'm so lonely. I was only child that time, but my parents always give/buy all the things that i want. And yes it makes me happy, but what makes me happy the most? Is having a kuya. Til now, Im hoping having a kuya. The second thing that will makes me happy, is having a sister and yes God gave it to me, my lil sis pinky when i was 9 years old.

Days passed, I can feel that life is not so boring, I came to school and the memorable day for me is that day that our school had a tour. My Lola and Papa guide me there, and Im so happy. Because, no one knows is that i love/want to see different kind of animals. I captured every moment when i see different kind of animals there. But yes, life is not always happy, excitement. But there's a sad it comes to our life.

April 15, 2011 I became 5 years old, Im so happy, because they celebrated my birthday. A lot of ballons and also my friends came. So its time to blow my candle, they sing first a Happy Birthday. After that when I was about to blow the candle, i cant continue. Because, my father always tells a joke and me is so easily to laugh, so i took way too long to blow the candle. The balloons was accidentally burned and it pop right on my face when i was about to blow my candle. My face was burnt and they sent me to the hospital. That was the saddest part of my Birthday. When i already discharged, my lola want me to continue my life at province so i went ny grandma and i continue my school there only Kinder and Grade 1. 2 years has already passed my mama came back here in philippines, so my mama get me and sent me to city. Because, I already heal my trauma, that was so traumatizing.

My life in city became new to me, and i met a lot of friends and become happy. My childhood memories is so memorable to me, and i hope that i can go back the days when i dont know what is problem. Now that i already a teenager, life sucks. A lot of pain, struggles, problem that i've encounter so many time in my life. Specially that im the eldest in the family, its my obligation to do all things. I'm really thankful that i met a friend like Hannah and Sweety, they are my supporter. We became friends when we we're in 7th grade. We make a lot of memories up until now that we we're on 12th grade. Our friendship never change. They are the one that i can talk/share all my problems. I love them so much. The both of you, if you read this, I know that the word "THANK YOU" is not enough for me to say, but god knows how I thankful i am that i met you both.

Until I met a special guy for me, when i was in 8th grade, but suddenly he is to focus on study that time. Until he knows me, we became friend first and years after he court me and we officially in relationship up until now. He's so kind and genious, also an ideal guy for me. A lot of good things i can say about him, and im so happy that the days come my family and hes family knows our relationship, and it not heavy in heart anymore that i cant hide it na about our relationship with my family. We've been encountered a lot of challenges in life, but we solve it by our trust and love of each other. We help each other to over come it. We have a lot of dreams that someday will fulfill it together in god's will.

Year 2022, im scared. Because, my lola was sick and a lot of what ifs in my mind. That was the most scariest in my life. Because, when i graduate in college i want that my lola is still there, i have a lot of future/dreams for my lola, we have a lot of dreams of lola seria. I want to gave it back or i want to pay back my lola for her sacrifices to me when i was a kid, she is the one who cared to me. But suddenly, last year on January 2023 my lola passed away it was so heartbreaking for me that day, it was so painful knowing i dont have a lola that i cant see my lola anymore. Until now, i cant imagine that my lola already passed. I cant move on, i missed my lola so much, but i know my lola now is already in good hand. I know that she still by my side even though i cant see her.

Life is a journey filled with ups and downs, challenges and triumphs. It is a complex tapestry of experiences that shape us into who we are. In this essay, we will explore two essential aspects of life: dealing with challenges and setting goals that give purpose to our existence.Life is a fascinating journey that presents us with countless opportunities and challenges. It is a delicate balance between joy and sorrow, success and failure, love and heartbreak. Each day brings new experiences and lessons, shaping us into the individuals we are meant to become. Life is unpredictable, filled with twists and turns that test our resilience and character. It is a tapestry of relationships, accomplishments, and personal growth. We must cherish every moment and embrace the beauty of it, for it is the sum of these moments that define our existence. Life is a precious gift, and it is up to us to make the most of it. Life was so challenging, a lot of unforgettable moments we ever faced. The words that we should always put on mind is "DON'T GIVE UP" still step every step of our life, this is not the finish line of our life. We have a lot to experience, to faced in the future. Today, is the beginning of our Journey. We have a lot of beautiful things to be Encountered and Experience.

#memoir

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keefwho · 1 year

Text

March 18 - 2023

8:30 AM

I guess my natural motivation has dried up for now. Now I gotta fight for it until it comes back. Sucks because I was hoping to get a lot done this weekend but I probably won’t be as productive as I thought. Or enjoy it as much. It’ll help if I stop thinking that failing to do all my current ideas is a bad thing. I lose nothing from not finishing something that wasn’t promised or announced in any way. All I can do is gain, if I get them done.

9:05 AM

I mostly don’t want to feel too ‘meh’ or spiral into sadness today. Not that I think the latter is terribly likely. It’ll be a delicate balance between getting busy and resting like I should be on a weekend.

Also the people I want to hang out with all seem busy this weekend so I can’t rely on anyone being around. I don’t like feeling lonely like this but it’s a good chance to try and overcome it again. I always have VRchat so I can talk to strangers at least. And knowing my friends will still be there for me when they are done makes it a little better.

As much as I like to believe I enjoy my alone time, I am not very good at being by myself. Im always just waiting for the next time to hang out.

Its tough but I think the move is to exercise presence and ignore unhelpful thoughts. I always find myself stuck in this headspace where I can’t focus because I’m thinking about things that aren’t true, or everything else I have to do. I have to work hard to force focus on what I’m doing in times like this.

9:38 AM

Here’s something that bothers me but maybe it’s because I’m just so out of the normal loop. People that have been in tons of relationships. Or casually drop how much sex they’ve had. Because from my lonely fucking point of view, have a single relationship or fucking for the first time would be a treasured experience. Maybe it’s just because since I haven’t had these things, I cannot take them lightly and I feel like it’s become TOO common to take them lightly. But that might just be because I am unable to get out and be normally social like a normal person.

At this point I feel like it’s impossible to find someone like me who will take a relationship or sex at this stage in our lives as seriously as I do. Or maybe they will and I’ll be unable to understand how since they’ve had it many times before.

For other reasons unknown, I’m just jaded at this topic. Fuck all these people going on and on about their many exes and partners while I’ve been alone my whole life. Which is completely my own fault too.

Here I go spiraling again.

10:13 AM

Damn Craig of the Creek for making me cry this morning. Im SO ANGRY that I had to move around so much as a kid. It’s not my fault I’m fucked up like I am but it is my job to fix it. Its so fucking stupid. I get it was probably out of everyone’s control but why couldn’t my parents just settle the fuck down somewhere? And then they place they DID choose is the middle of bumfuck nowhere. “Why don’t you have any friends? All you do is stay on the internet” Why the FUCK do you think???? I was a teenage in the WOODS. WHERE WAS I MEANT TO GO DUMB FUCK? On TOP of that, they never wanted to drive me to where people my age actually were like they do with my sister now. Maybe they learned how important it is to actually be social at that age and don’t want a repeat of me happening. FUck them.

Im upset at all the old friends who wonder why I changed so much and became so “moody”. They don’t understand the turmoil I started going through when I became aware of how much I was covering up. They were NOT supportive of it either. And thats part of why we aren’t friends anymore. But I think to them, I just ‘went crazy’ and they’re probably waiting for me to get over it or have abandoned me entirely.

Now I’m always fighting to keep the friends I do have because I feel like they could give up on me at any moment. It’s hard to believe they won’t sometimes. But I know this stems from my own self worth. Sometimes I’m unable to see what they see in me because all I can see myself as is worthless.

11:29 AM

I guess I’m just being depressed in my room today while everyone I know is out doing meaningful things and moving on without me.

I really wanted to avoid this today but I have no will to do anything. How many weekends am I going to spend crying because my friends are busy with more important things and i have nothing else to distract myself with? Its always been like this with everyone. People have real lives that dont include me. Im just a weekday plaything.

2:01 PM

I thought maybe it’d be a good day to clean since I can’t bring myself to be creative but I’m unsure I can clean either. I don’t know what I have the heart to do at all. I’d like to clean the area outside my door, especially all the dog vomit stains on the outside carpet but I do not know how. I don’t even know how to clean the wood floor properly. Maybe I’ll try anyways.

3:36 PM

I decided to jerk off really hard because at least being sad gets me some good nuts.

I was gonna try something drastic. Keep rambling here until I feel better or at least get anywhere. First of all I’m afraid I’m only in a temporary high because that usually happens before I fall way back down into despair. I’ve come to the conclusion that once this has all started, it is inevitable that it will keep going. Trying to stop it or redirect it has not worked at all yet. Maybe I have to accept I’ll be depressed this weekend.

All because I can’t learn to love myself and in turn, can’t feel loved in general. So then I feel really alone like I do today. And I think attention from certain people will fix it but it is only ever a bandaid. Because even when I think someone hates me and they are literally telling me how much they love me, it just doesn’t get through to me.

I’m EXTREMELY frustrated and upset because I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to value myself more. I just don’t get it. Why have I always been predisposed to feeling like I’m lesser than everyone? That I am always the loser because thats how life programmed it? Is it my fault or life circumstance that taught me to be like this? I just don’t know.

But I feel a little better knowing that I have to be able to get better and I’ll keep trying until I am. Even if the next milestone is nowhere in sight, all I can do is keep trying. Someday I won’t berate myself so much, I’ll at least feel average. And I’ll have faith that my loved ones love me back more often.

I feel so weak that sometimes I can’t just sit my ass down and draw something I have the heart for. Things I WANT to create for myself but mostly others. Although sometimes I feel the need to draw for someone because I feel like if I don’t, I’ll start losing them as a friend. Something I know is not true but its how I feel about it. I feel like I have to keep letting them know that I won’t leave them so that they maybe won’t leave me either.

Maybe to improve my self worth I can start doing nice things for myself like I would for a friend. I can roleplay I’m someone else to make it easier. I can make myself some good food and enjoy it. I could let go and listen to what my heart wants to do and do that. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I dont even see the point in feeling happy if no one is around to share it with.

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hansolmates · 3 years

Text

distance learning (m)

banner done by the beautiful @eerieedits

summary; after their first hookup, jungkook isn’t so sure whether you’re serious about being exclusive. after all, people say things during sex. jungkook takes it in his own hands to figure out where you stand, and he realizes soon enough that eavesdropping is a bad habit pairing; neighbor!jungkook x (f) reader genre/warnings; fluff, humor, crack, insecure!jk, unresolved sexual tension, stressed!mc, this is really just unnecessary drama bc drama is fun™, sexting, dom kook’s still a meanie in control, posession kink, cock slapping, a blowjob, cockwarming, unprotected, creampie, squirting, (wrap the pickle before u tickle folks) and of course the excessive use of the petname [redacted] w/c; 6.1k a/n; haaaaaa three months later im finally posting pt 2! i figured that no matter how many times i edit/reread at this point i think it’s time to finally let this beast go!!! enjoyyy click here for part 1: remote learning drabbles; 01

if you enjoy this, please considering giving our pasta couple a like n’share💚

It’s been a week since the thing.

The remote-controlled vibrator thing.

The whole sappy-love-confesion-during-sex thing.

Jungkook is antsy, tail tucked in, perpetually wondering whether he went too far. You seemed to like it, and Jungkook definitely loved it. It was spicy and dirty and hot, and at the same time Jungkook thought he really made progress in expressing his feelings for you. Not only that, you said you liked him back!

At least, he thought you did.

“I really said I’d feed her lasagna and cum in the same sentence,” Jungkook bemoans into his pillow, which still lingers faintly of your Redken shampoo. “I’m disgusting. She thinks I’m disgusting.”

People say things during sex, Jungkook knows that. In the throes of passion and pleasure, people will say anything that comes to their mind, anything that fits the mood. Of course, you’d be tied in and say you like him back. But did you like him back as a friend? As a fuckbuddy? As something more?

“Fucking text her,” Taehyung is tired of Jungkook’s wallowing, everytime he checks in on the app developer he’s brooding in one of three places. Today’s his bedroom. Taehyung dips under the blankets, and steals Jungkook’s pillow right under his nose.

Jungkook suppresses a whimper, face melding into the blankets. Now that pillow is going to smell like Taehyung.

“Text her what,” Jungkook replies despondently.

“I don’t know, something along the lines of ‘I wanna follow through with my proposition of feeding you my cum and lasagna—not simultaneously. Wanna go on a date this weekend?’ It’s that simple,” Taehyung gets up in Jungkook’s face, dark eyes forcing him to bore right in. “Want me to do it for you?”

“Noo, I’m an adult I can—”

“I did it for you.”

Jungkook nearly knocks into Taehyung’s hard head, sitting up straight when he notices his phone behind his roommate’s back. This is what he gets for sharing passwords. Thankfully, the message is cleaner than Taehyung’s words, and you’ve already replied.

[1:23] Jungkook: would you like to go out for dinner this weekend? pasta and wine?

[1:25] You: it’s a busy week this week 🥺 raincheck?

“Was the sex that bad?” Taehyung frowns, reading the message twice.

“N-no,” Jungkook is sweating. He isn’t sure anymore.

Taehyung hands Jungkook back his phone, slowly, as if you’ll reply back with a change of your mind. Jungkook is a deflated balloon on his bed, feeling like a bum in his ratty sweater and a dateless weekend.

“It’s just that,” Taehyung puts a hand on his lip, mulling, “busy people don’t reply that fast. Like even if she wasn’t busy, there’s a fifteen-minute leeway before replying.”

This silly rule overrides Jungkook’s mind for the rest of the week.

The gyms have been reopened for months, and Jungkook’s trainer misses him dearly. Jungkook meets with Saeroyi in the morning, eager to get a few jabs in with some fresh equipment. He tries to move on, distract himself with a couple of pumps and a match with Saeroyi. It feels great to sweat it off, but it doesn’t help sway Jungkook’s incessant thoughts.

The ball is in your court now, Jungkook has nothing to do but wait. Some people are just bad texters, maybe you just happened to have your phone near you when Taehyung sent the message. Maybe you just wanted to cut Jungkook off as quickly as possible so you decided to reply fast and rip the band-aid.

No, you’re definitely not that cold-hearted.

Re-entering his apartment complex, his eyes linger towards where your room lies on the first floor. It’s all the way at the end of the hallway, and he’s tempted to just confront you and make sure that what you and him really had is indeed, over. Conversely, you could just really be having a bad week and you genuinely do want a raincheck.

Jungkook’s eyes trail to his form. Still in his gym clothes, and a little sweaty from the travel time. If he gets caught, he can just tell you he’s doing a cooldown by running across the hallways. Not the first time it’s happened, afterall it led him to you at one point.

He breaks into a soft jog, making a beeline to your front door. His feet squish against your old welcome mat. You haven’t changed it since Halloween, and he smiles fondly at the black scripted “Boo Y’all” written in script next to a chibi-ghost.

His heart beats faster as his hand lingers by the door, ready to knock. Deep breaths. Who knows, he could just be overthinking (like usual.)

“Fuck, Hobi!”

Jungkook freezes, his knuckles a centimeter away from your door. He backs up as if he’s been burned. His heart has fallen all the way down to his ass, and intends to stay there because now he feels like a damn fool.

The bed is creaking relentlessly, a rhythmic pattern that has Jungkook’s face crumbling at every spring. Jungkook’s face hovers over the door, his ear brushing against the wood.

“C’mon, bunny,” the male voice is teasing, “you know you love having me over. It would satisfy both of us if you’d just let it go.”

Bunny. A cute pet name, for sure. The way it rolls off the stranger’s tongue is natural, as if he’s been saying it for years. But what about being his doll, is that not good enough?

You’re huffy, taking deep breaths. He doesn’t want to hear anymore. Jungkook has put himself through enough self-wallowing for the week. What if he was just a stepping stone to meeting new people that will satisfy you better? What if you just needed one good orgasm to get your flow back, and Jungkook’s job is done? Sure, there were no strings attached when he proposed to have sex with you, but he thought…

No more thinking. Jungkook jogs away from the door, even going so far is to jog all the way up to the penthouse.

He hates this.

You hate this.

It’s been five days since Hoseok’s arrival, and you are going bonkers. Why couldn’t he get a hotel or an AirBnB? Because he’s cheap as fuck, that’s why. Your dinky cousin has been clinging to you like a lonely koala, and while you found it cute in the 5th grade, it doesn’t translate well nearly two decades later.

Every morning is the same. You make a subpar toast and Nutella breakfast, letting Hoseok’s slices go cold as you log in for work. You’ve been clocking in earlier in the hopes to finish the majority of your tasks before Hoseok wakes up, because by then you can barely function. Once he wakes up, he’s relentless, bouncing on the bed and talking your head off while you try to concentrate on whatever your boss is telling you. Whenever he jumps too hard, your cheap mattress causes your laptop to fly, and the only thing you can do is curse him out. Sometimes he plays Disney movies and sings in tandem, choreography and all.

You know that Hoseok is stressed and this is his outlet, and you don’t have it in you to stop his incessant habits. He’s visiting your area because of a lucrative job offer nearby and the interviews are sporadic, making Hoseok linger in your apartment for hours at a time until he’s summoned for whatever test they want to throw at him.

Most of the interviews are in the evening, and it’s when you can clock back in and finish your leftover assignments while Hoseok is also working. By the time he returns, you’re dog tired and so is he.

Every night, you try to move away from Hoseok’s clingy self, as he grapples onto your waist and slings a thigh over your belly. You wish it were someone else sharing the bed with you.

If you bring Jungkook into the picture however, you’d be burnt for the week. Complete crumbs. It would be too much stimulation for you, having to balance work, Hoseok’s incessant attitude, and putting on a face for Jungkook. Your relationship with the penthouse neighbor is barely budding, hardly watered considering Hoseok’s sudden visit. You cling to the fact that in a couple days you would be giving your undivided attention to Jungkook, most of your priorities out of the way, and most importantly, you’ll have your own room back.

Maybe you could surprise him by giving him a pasta dinner, just like he proposed.

Unable to get the thought out of your head, you blindly reach for your phone on the nightstand. It’s late, very late for a workday. The blue screen burns your eyes a bit, but you're determined to at least check up on Jungkook. You can’t take too long, otherwise you won’t be able to sleep and get him out of your head. Dear, unassuming cousin Hoseok is fast asleep next to you, due to the fact it’s nearly midnight. Making sure not to disrupt him, you carefully cup your phone in your hands, putting it on the lowest light setting.

[11:54] You: hey, hope work hasnt been as draining for u as it’s been for me ☠️ what’s your opinion on pasta sauces, red or white?

Jungkook is normally a fast texter, at least from your experience. It’s you that’s the sporadic texter, sometimes taking hours to reply, other times in seconds. It never really mattered until now, however. But it takes five, ten, and finally fifteen minutes before you get a response.

[12:09] Jungkook: ???

You frown, wondering what you said wrong.

[12:10] You: do you not wanna do pasta anymore? Are you craving something else now?

[12:10] Jungkook: i don’t think it’d work out

[12:10] You: why?

[12:11] Jungkook: im sure you know why, bunny.

Strange. He’s never called you bunny before, and in your opinion you think he’d be the bunny in the relationship—soft and cuddly on the outside, and an absolute horn ball in bed. Is this some sort of weird power play? Is he being passive aggressive on purpose? Whatever this game is, you’re not into it. Grumbling under your breath, you snake out of bed, looking blindly for your slippers in the dark. You’ll be in and out of Jungkook’s apartment in ten minutes.

Just as your hand brushes the doorknob, your new roommate calls for you.

“Bunny?” Hoseok calls blearily, and you’re staring straight at his cookie-printed eye mask, “what time is it, where are you going?”

“Um, out,” you reply shortly, “I forgot I left my laundry in the dryer.”

“Oh, m’kay. Come back soon, y’know I can’t sleep alone.”

It’s then you realize. Bunny. Jungkook thinks that Hoseok and you are a thing. He really needs to stop eavesdropping on you.

You feel your pussy frown. Your cousin is such a cockblock and he doesn’t even know it. Without an answer, you slip through your door and into the first free elevator. As you zing up the floors with the magical 1234 code, you work and rework your hair in and out of its style, wondering if you’ll look more presentable with your hair messy or thrown back.

As soon as you reach the penthouse, you burst into action. “Jungkook!” you cry, pounding the front door, “it’s a misunderstanding, open up!”

The door immediately swings open after the first three knocks, and you punch Taehyung in the chest.

“You look awful,” Kim Taehyung drawls. Taehyung is wearing nothing but a cranberry red silk kimono, and you have to avert your eyes and focus on his face, which is even worse because he’s looking at you like an all-knowing psychic.

“Gee, thanks,” you try to move past him, but he’s blocking the door.

“Jungkook’s in a meeting with some foriegn developers,” Taehyung talks with his hands, pretending like he has any idea of the nature of his roommate’s job, “when it’s this late he doesn’t leave his office until morning. Door’s locked.”

“Well then, can you relay a message?”

“Depends, is this message going to hurt him further?”

Oh my goodness, when Taehyung wants to be he is such an enabler. “Tell Jungkook he’s done wallowing. Instead of jumping to conclusions, maybe he should’ve just asked me why we couldn’t go on a date this week.”

“You could’ve also just told him you have a man on the side.”

“Ohmygod you two are two iotas of a combined braincell!” you shove your hands in your pocket, hotly scrolling through your phone so you can shove a picture in his face. “This is Jung Hoseok, my cousin who derailed my plans this week by crashing in my too-tiny apartment and forced me to raincheck with Jungkook. He’s a blabbermouth and would tell everyone—my parents, my grandparents, my great-aunts—about Jungkook if he found out I was dating, and I’m not ready for that,” you zoom in on the picture, despite the fact that the screen is practically touching Taehyung’s nose, “and the reason Hoseok calls me bunny is not sexual—you two are fucking gross—I had front tooth problems in elementary school and I had a brace on my two big teeth, it was not pretty.”

“Ah, bunny.” Taehyung echoes with wide eyes, looking at you as if you’re now the one with sage wisdom, “it all makes sense now.” He gulps, taking in the old photo of a mini-Hoseok and you, yourself frowning to cover your huge braces and Hoseok trying to pull your gums apart with his greasy little fingers.

Satisfied by Taehyung’s evident squirming, you decide you’re too tired to further this interaction. “Tell the other half of your cell for me, will ya?” You’re already turning away, pressing repeatedly at the elevator button, “I would love to go on a date with him as soon as he gets his head out of his ass.”

Jungkook is tired, but not tired enough to murder Taehyung and make it look like an accident.

When he has late meetings, Taehyung is usually quieter around the apartment, and even gets Jungkook a hot meal once he wakes up in the afternoons. Today, Jungkook slept through and through. Normally he’d wake up midway to Taehyung’s television dramas, or the clanging of last night’s dishes but nope, not a peep.

And today’s hot meal is takeout from Jungkook’s favorite ramen restaurant. That only means one thing—something has gone to shit and Taehyung feels guilty.

Jungkook sips his tonkotsu impossibly slow, hearing Taehyung’s words—your words from last night—clear as day. Taehyung even describes in detail where the nickname bunny comes from, down to how miserable you looked in the photo with your monstrously metal-bent teeth. Oh, how he wishes he can swaddle you between the blankets, hold you and comfort you while you deal with your family.

[2:45] Jungkook: doll, im so sorry

[2:45] Jungkook: please, i booked us a weekend at that new spa that just opened downtown. The tickets are flex, so if your cousin doesn’t leave by then week we can always reschedule

[2:51] Jungkook: baby doll…

This is far worse than believing you didn’t like him. Now Jungkook is antsy, knowing you deserve all the space in the world because of how silly he was being. You owe him nothing. If he just waited it out until you were ready, he wouldn’t be in this mess. He’s potato-esque throughout the day, thankfully Taehyung gives him space as he watches hours of mindless television.

You don’t reply until very late into the night.

[10:10] You: IM ALIVE--barely!! And mr. jeon, you’re not only a triple texter, but an ellipsis texter???? You’re asking for trouble

Jungkook has no shame, immediately texting you back. He can’t help it, he’s smitten.

[10:12] Jungkook: taehyung explained everything. It’s all his fault. Don’t ask why, it’s his fault. Im so sorry.

[10:12] You: mm, it’s okay. Just a misunderstanding. I was pretty upset last night, but i’ve been pretty tired this week so my fuse is short.

[10:14] Jungkook: you should go to sleep now, doll. We’ll have time together after your cousin leaves

[10:14] You: just a couple more minutes. Miss u and your cute face

[10:16] Jungkook:

[10:16] Jungkook: will this hold u off until saturday?

Jungkook is a pile of goo. Pink, warm, happy heart-glittered goo. It takes a minute for you to reply, and for that whole minute Jungkook is kicking his legs under the sheets of his bed like an eager five-year old who just gave his crush his Valentine. Maybe it’s taking you so long to reply because you’re trying to send a selfie of your own, running off to the bathroom to take a cute selfie if your cousin is asleep in bed.

[10:19] You: fuck, i kno that’s supposed to be a cute selfie, but i want you so bad. I want to sit on your face, let your lips glisten with my pussy as i cum all over that pretty face

[10:19] You: i wanna touch myself so badly but fuckin’ hoseok is out here snoring like he’s gon hack a lung. Panties are so wet 🥺🥺 your doll is needy for you, wanna be played with

[10:20] Jungkook: lfjsdl;fkjs;fjsoisfoisljsdfsdklfjsdklf

He throws his phone across the bed, feeling himself twitch in his red flannel pyjama bottoms. The thought of you so hot and needy when you’re ten floors down has Jungkook absolutely livid. He doesn’t know how he’s going to talk to you, comfort you without missing you like crazy.

Jungkook thinks back to what he has in his fridge. His contractor sent him a cheese assortment, maybe he can bring it down pretending to be a friendly neighbor. Maybe Hoseok can go to the convenience store to conveniently grab a bottle of wine. He can make both of you cum in five minutes, flat.

Akin to a dumb, horny teenager, he sighs. He rubs his palm longingly over his member. He’s horny, but he’s also eager to see your face. Talk to you, get reacquainted with your routine and sneak his way into it. He wants to be a part of your life, and he’s hoping you will too.

[5:02] You: Jungkook, you left me hanging last night

[5:05] Jungkook: baby doll… i wouldnt have been able to handle myself if we continued

[5:06] You: so you decided to dip :(

[5:06] You: could u play with your doll a lil bit, kook? Hobi left for another interview

[5:08] You: PNG.0901

Jungkook was a fool to believe that you would drop him like that. No, Jungkook can see now that you two are a match made in heaven. You have a bite, never afraid to speak your mind when needed. This translates to a hunger you shamelessly share with Jungkook, both sexual and romantically intimate. He almost wishes he could’ve seen you act like a bitch to Taehyung last night, he can only imagine how sexy you looked telling him off.

He has the technology to blow up your picture, the one that’s currently having him close his laptop and shove it to the side. He spreads his legs further across his glass desk, trying to find comfort between his tight pants as he absorbs every bit of your skin.

It’s nothing too risque, but it’s nothing short of sensual. The room is dark, but it’s very clearly a picture of your hand between your thighs. Again, you’re between your wall and bed, squished between your office chair with your legs spread as far as they can go. Your skin is so soft looking, plush as you press two fingers between your damp panties. Adorable.

[5:12] Jungkook: you know why i never replied last night? Because i was too busy jacking off to your dirty words doll. U really need your mouth washed

[5:12] You: wanna wash it with something else🍆

[5:12] You: please kook, i need something. Hoseok will come home soon and i might rip his head off. Help prevent a murder

Jungkook chuckles, clutching his phone closer to his body. He loves how much you’re opening up to him. Last week feels like so long ago, how you were all flushed and wide-eyed at the proposition of sex. He thinks you two can have a lot of fun getting to know each other, both emotionally and physically.

[5:15] Jungkook: i was gonna wait until i sent this, but i think my doll needs it. Here’s what i was doing last night

[5:17] Jungkook: MP4.13

He… has a meeting in five minutes. A very important, very serious meeting. Jungkook jacked off enough last night, now it’s your turn. He hopes you like it. It’s not a very long video, barely a twenty-second clip of him fisting his cock. Taehyung was still home at the time, so he had to keep quiet. However, he couldn’t get the image of you out of his head that night, rubbing your thighs together in a cramped mattress as you try to erase the dirty thoughts of him. A murmur of your name, and the image of his precum dripping down his knuckles. You hope it’s enough.

[5:34] You: u make everything so much easier💜✨

[5:35] You: MP4.234

Two minutes. The video you send is even shorter than his, barely fifteen seconds. You’re in a much more comfortable position, horizontal on the bed. Your shirt is ridden up to the underside of your breasts, one hand clutching your bare breast so hard he can see your cotton plush skin bulging between your fingers. The other hand has your panties shifted to the side, three fingers in your sopping cunt.

“Mmh—fuck, f-uck Jungkook—” the words are mere breaths, puffs of air as you reach your orgasm.

His call connects. He nearly drops his phone on the glass.

“Jungkook!” Andreas from Germany wishes him brightly, “you look great, glowing even!”

Jungkook blushes, and mutters something about having to go to the bathroom before they start.

Taehyung makes himself scarce on Saturday. He packs a duffel bag for himself and takes the PlayStation, knowing it’ll be a long weekend at Jimin’s.

Jungkook is on livewire for the morning. He even express-delivers a pasta roller to his house, and he spends all morning testing out the perfect pasta dough. His black apron is covered in flour, and he can barely comprehend the tutorial that’s teaching him on his flatscreen.

He’s on autopilot. He hasn’t contacted you since he sent that selfie, and he doesn’t intend to. Jungkook understands why you made yourself scarce in the beginning of the week, preferring to raincheck and pin your relationship for a better time. Jungkook’s brain is overridden with you, swollen with thoughts of you. You would never be able to focus if you kept in contact like you did last night, especially if you can’t get away from Hoseok.

Absence surely makes the heart grow fonder.

Slapping his hands against his trousers, he surveys his handiwork. His pasta is appropriately floured and wrung, each handful of fresh dough wrapped in little nests. Off the stove is a bechamel sauce, a base ready to be cooked in whatever kind of pasta dish you want. He thinks the two of you would have fun making your own non-traditional pasta dishes.

The soft knocks on his front door interrupts his train of thought, and he knows it’s you.

You stand in front of the door, impossibly small in a large shirt and a plain pair of leggings. At the sight of Jungkook, a smile as warm and sweet as hot chocolate worms its way to your face, and you collapse into his arms.

He sighs gratefully, sinking into your small body. When he pulls away, he can’t help but frown at your apparent exhaustion. You must’ve come back from something tedious, because sweat dots your brow and your eyes are still puffy and dark. Your chest arches bonelessly into his, hoping to melt in his embrace.

“Hi,” you say.

“Hey,” he replies.

“It’s Saturday.”

“It is Saturday.”

You rub your nose between the fabric of his button down, “I should’ve been more specific when I wanted to raincheck on you,” you murmur into the white cotton.

“No, I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions,” Jungkook whispers, even though you’re the only two people on the floor, “I’ll make it better, yeah? I’m going to love you so good tonight, won’t have to lift a finger—”

You shake your head, looking at him calmly. “Jungkook, it’s been a long week. Hobi got the job, I spent all this morning moving his two-ton speaker set into his new apartment. I don’t want anything gentle. I want you to rail me into next week,” Jungkook chokes on his saliva when you reach to cup his dick through his pants, already sporting a chub, “fuck me breathless. I want—no, I need this.”

Anything for you, but Jungkook isn’t going to let your mouth runneth over that easily. He wants that too, obviously. But again, you’ve made him wait.

Bending slightly, Jungkook whispers darkly into your ear, “Who said you can decide the rules here, doll?” he’s been waiting all week to slip back into this persona, one that has you shivering delightfully under his touch. A small, secret smile tucks itself under your lips as you tilt your head down, but Jungkook catches it. It shows you’ve missed it too. He lets your sneaky smile slide for now, only because he’s missed you so much and you’ve had a long day.

“If I wanna fuck you rough, I’ll fuck you rough. If I want to edge you until you're sobbing on the corner of the kitchen table, I’ll do it,” Jungkook spits every declaration into your skin, biting at your shoulder so hard you cry deliciously.

He drags you over to the living room, and he could sing at how easily you follow directions. Both of you have been tied up this week, and some hard sex would definitely ease that frustration, “Knees,” Jungkook commands, and you waste no time sinking to the floor, hands atop your knees.

You look up through your lashes, eyes big and glassy. His poor girl is tired, and he finds it all the more attractive that you’re willing to push that aside to make eachother feel good.

“Pretty, pretty,” he chants, pulling down his pants and letting his dick spring free, “suck.”

You waste no time, and he watches as your eyes dilate over the expanse of his cock, half-hard and ready for your mouth. Your nails dig into your knees as you start with featherlight kisses, finally turning into sloppy smacks as you lick all over his dick.

Jungkook groans, weaving a hand into your hair to force his dick down your throat. You gag at the sudden intrusion, but it doesn’t stop you from taking it like a champ. Hard, deep thrusts that he’s sure you can feel all the way in your stomach. You gag at each thrust, but don’t let up as your hot tongue wraps him up and licks at the pre-cum.

“Fuuuuck, doll,” he rips you away, his now hard dick springing away. He’s a little shaky on his knees, but he plants his feet down as he grips his cock, slapping the tip of it across your cheek. It smears your face, glossing your flushed cheeks in a mixture of your saliva and pre-cum. “Are you trying to make me cum first? So sweet, you don’t even care if you cum tonight, hmm? You owe me, making you believe you had another man.”

This isn’t true, of course. The both of you know it was just miscommunication, but it doesn’t hurt to play it up for pleasure.

“N-no Kook, I’m yours,” you grapple at his pants, pulling them down so he can get them off completely.

“Right. You’re. Mine.” With every punctuated word is a light slap to your cheek, and you take it. His cock bounces right off of you, until you finally move your head to suckle at the engorged tip, “I’m keeping you forever, doll. Don’t you know that?”

Throughout this whole process, you don’t move, other than the minute clawing at your knees. You’re so good to him. Jungkook pulls away and ignores the ache in his member for now, taking off your clothes for himself. It’s like unwrapping a gift, revealing every bit of skin reserved for his viewing. “So sexy,” he remarks once he’s got you bare, pulling you onto the couch. He’s still in his button down shirt, his date night shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbow. However, he lets your hands inch under the stiff fabric, feeling for his taut muscle.

He guides your aching cunt to his cock, sinking you down. It’s a tight fit, and you both moan at the brush of contact. Despite not being prepped, you’re still slick, and it makes up for it. He doesn’t thrust up or anything, just guides his lips to yours with a threadbare brush of his finger.

“Kook, d-do you want me to move?” you mumble against his cherry-flavored lip balm.

“Good dolls don’t move until they’re told,” your eyes widen innocently at the statement, and you crumple against his mouth, at his next words, “cum like this.”

“Awh shit, please no,” you tear up, burying your head between the crook of his neck, “I can’t wait.”

“Thought you wanted me to fuck you into next week. You can’t do this one little favor for me?” he’s being so mean, and you hate him for it. Haven’t you earned it? “C’mon baby, I thought you wanted me?”

It’s silent, save for the soft Italian restaurant music playing from whatever tutorial he’s hooked up to his television. It’s terribly cliche, like you’re in the porno version of a European romance movie. He thinks nothing of it, not when your juices are dripping on his thighs, your skin soft and pliant in his grip. Jungkook drums his fingers against your spine, seemingly uncaring that you’re stuffed deep into your womb.

On the other hand, it’s the only thing you’re acutely aware of. His thick, warm cock is nestled between your folds, right where it should be. You clench once, twice, thankful that this isn’t some crazed wet dream. States of sleep and consciousness have blurred this week, you’re lucky that you made it all the way up to Jungkook’s apartment.

You can’t cum like this. You need to bait him. You moan, the sound slow and rumbly against your throat as you weave your fingers through his dark tresses. Moving the strands aside to kiss his cold metal earrings you murmur, “I love this, Kookoo. I’ve wanted you all week, I was going crazy. I kept playing last week in my head over and over. I even put in my little vibrator, hoping you’d pull up the app.”

Jungkook’s teeth clench, and his grip is borderline painful as it digs into your hips.

“I haven’t been able to cum all week, and I want to do it all over you,” you husk, playing with the roots of his hair.

You can feel yourself dripping, wetness lubricating you even further and probably staining his thighs and couch with your arousal. Every second that passes is killer, and the fluttering towards your pussy tighten further as Jungkook’s cock twitches in response. Your pussy continues its ministrations, butterfly-like flaps against his hot member that have you vibrating.

“Mm, oh, I’ll cum for you,” and surprisingly, you might be able to. All this dirty talking has gotten you riled up. Just a little bit more and—

Jungkook shoves you off his cock, forcing you to land on the couch.

“No!” you cry, wiping your face. Your cheeks are ruddied, and you’re annoyed. The coolness of the autumn air has you feeling chilly, and you want to scream at Jungkook for disrupting your orgasm. You feel empty.

You’re not annoyed for long however, as Jungkook flips you on your back and gives you what you’ve been craving.

“You glide right in, don’t ya doll,” the friction is deliciously blazing, his hands pushing you further into the large couch as he takes you from behind. Hot, fast smacks against your ass come from the way his balls bounce back and forth as he pistons his cock in and out. “F-fuck, you’re so good to me. So good, I love having you like this. All pretty and dripping, you really know how to make a guy wait, huh?”

“Mmph! N-no—hng, but I’m y-yours, Kook,” you garble out, and you’re practically eating the throw pillow you’re propped up on as he slams you further into the cushions, so hard you may fall off, “all yours, honey. N-no more waiting. I want you, want you so badly—ah fuck!”

“It’s worth it, you’re worth it,” he says over and over, his thrusts becoming sporadic and losing their rhythm once he feels you clenching uncontrollably. He presses his two fingers to your sloppy bud, swirling around the juices eagerly. “C-cum, baby doll. You deserve it, yeah? Cum on this cock, let go.”

You’re starting to see spots, black and white alike. Finally shying away from his cock you rest on your back, but Jungkook doesn’t stop his fingers from flying across your clit. One look at his face and you’re gone. Pretty brown eyes, overflowing with affection. The feeling is different, and it’s the acute pressure between your stomach and pussy that makes you notice what’s going on with your body. The pressure finally releases, your eyes fluttering shut as you rest your cheek on the cushions. You dissolve, a mess on the couch as white hot liquid ejects from your body, spraying Jungkook’s thighs and cushions.

“Y-you just,” your lover’s mouth is parted open like a baby kitten, uncaring as to how the dark liquid stains his couch fabric.

“Squirted?” you answer breathlessly, a melty smile on your lips, “y-yeah.”

It sets him off, a button left dormant until now. The thatches of hair that surround his cock are dripping with your mess, a cold reminder that he got you to this high. He doesn’t hesitate to slip his cock back into you, and you gasp at the overstimulation. You try not to focus on how your body is a bundle of lit nerves, only to help Jungkook reach his completion.

“S-so perfect,” he warbles, pressing kisses to your jaw, chin, lips. Each thrust is deep, thick and heady with emotion. “Mm, I wanna cream this pussy sooo badly—mm, all mine, all wet and warm and so so sweet—”

He cries out your name, biting into your shoulder as your walls fill further with his hot cream. Your thighs are shaking from sensory overload, and Jungkook has to hold you down and soothe you into a state of reality to cling on.

Satiated, he nuzzles into your chest, feeling absolutely featherlight.

“T-thank you,” you say gratefully, when at least three out of your five senses return to your body. Your hands dip down to clutch his cheek, pinching lightly at the warm skin.

“Don’t thank me yet,” Jungkook exhales into your breasts, “d-didn’t even feed you my cum yet.”

You scoff, pinching his cheek again. You’re aware of his softening cock between your folds, ready to seep the efforts of today’s coupling, but your stomach says otherwise. You crane your neck to make note of the kitchen island, staring curiously at the metal pasta roller and the little nests of carby goodness that decorate the cutting board.

“Feed me pasta first, please. You have all night to feed me dessert.”

Jungkook giggles into your stomach, he doesn’t mind feeding you in that order.

bonus.

“So.”

“So?” you have cream sauce on your lips, happily slurping on an angel hair.

“You haven’t told me you liked me back yet,” Jungkook rests his palm in the swell of his cheek, content with watching you eat from where he’s standing on the counter. He leans his upper body across the marble table, muscles rippling against his white shirt.

“Oh, I did!” you’re affronted, swinging your legs on the high chair, “I totally did last week!”

“Yeah, well. Can you say it while I’m not inside you?”

“Okay,” you blink, quirking him with a simple smile, “I like you.”

“That was anticlimactic,” Jungkook jokes at the brevity of your confession, yet his heart betrays the charm he finds in the three words.

You scoff, jabbing your fork in the little next of springy noodles. “What do you want to hear? I’ve wanted you since I’ve moved in? I think you’re really handsome when you pace the hallway doing work on your phone? I like the way you cook?”

“Keep going,” Jungkook sing songs, walking over to hug you from behind.

The stool swings back and forth as he rocks the two of you, softly and slowly so you don’t throw up your dinner. He noses into your neck, inhaling your scent and committing it to your memory.

“Mm, dessert first,” you insist, twirling around the stool so you can wrap your legs around his waist. “And then I can tell you exactly how much I like you,” your fingers play with the buttons of his shirt, walking the pads of your fingers across his chest.

Jungkook grins, hands reaching to cup your bottom and bring you to his bedroom. Of course, he’s always willing to satisfy your insatiable appetite.

#jungkook smut #jungkook x reader #btsguild #btswritingcafe #btsghostie #kwritersworldnet #jungkook fic #bts smut #bts fic

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sorryjustafangirl · 3 years

Text

seattle worries

a/n: it was about time i wrote for the toothless love of our lives mr erik johnson. im still mad at him for waiving his nmc even though people saw it coming so i wrote this while at work and because im in a slump. enjoy. gender neutral reader

pairing: erik johnson x reader

word count: 1.5k+

warnings: mentions of pandemic, a few swears, expansion draft

disclaimer: this is a work of fiction and real person fiction if you don’t like that, please don’t read! this lovely gif is not mine! credit to the wonderful gif-maker

You and Erik had been dating for about 2 years now and things could not have been better. The two of you had been set up by a mutual friend after the Avalanche were eliminated from playoff contention. EJ was a natural charmer and swept you off your feet, despite any nerves he felt that night.

Then a pandemic hit and Erik decided that you should move in. In case we have to repopulate the Earth, you know, he joked, but he was serious about his proposition. Your friends all gave you skepticism when you accepted; after all, you were moving in with a man, a professional athlete at that, after less than a year of dating. But you knew it was the right decision. Even when Erik went to the Edmonton bubble, you never felt lonely because you were in the space you shared with him, the space you knew he’d come back to.

Now, a year later and your relationship had been through injuries, an infectious disease, and hectic NHL life. You honestly thought nothing could break you.

Until now.

You were seething. How couldn’t he have told you? Sure, he could be a dumbass sometimes but he’d have to be a whole ‘nother kind of stupid to think you wouldn’t find out.

The thud of his hockey bag and the clang of his keys hitting the trinket dish on the hall table shook you from your thoughts. He walked into the kitchen, where you stood with your hands gripping the counter, with a smile on his face that quickly disappeared when he saw the scowl on your face.

“Hey baby…” His voice was hesitant, obviously testing the waters.

“How could you not tell me?” Your eyes were set, your jaw hard, and you could feel the tension in your shoulders. He sighed but didn’t say anything. “How could you not tell me you waived your no movement clause Erik? I found out from fucking SportsNet!”

“Look, I was going to tell you-”

“When?! You couldn’t find a good time to talk about how you might throw away your life here in the past two months?!”

“That’s not fair! No one ever said anything about throwing my life here away.” His voice raised but you didn’t back down, not with the way your cheeks were hot with anger.

“Oh, so you just expect me to drop my life here to go live in Seattle? Because your career is more important than mine?”

“I never said that! God, I hate it when you put words in my mouth!”

“Well, I hate it when my boyfriend doesn’t consult me on something that affects us both!”

“Why are you so angry about this? Nothing’s happened yet, they might not even take me!”

You scoffed at him, but it came out breathy because of the tears welling in your eyes. “I’m upset because it feels like you aren’t even considering us in your career. Like you don’t care how this affects me too. Like you don’t even notice you’re throwing us away.” Your voice cracked at the end, tears falling from your eyes. You turned away from Erik in an attempt to hide your emotions but he knew. He knew from the way you hunched your shoulders and the way you shut your eyes, you were crying.

Slowly, he came towards you, his step gentle. His arms around you were like glass until you clung to his shirt; then they became like a warm blanket- all encompassing and familiar. Sobs racked through your body and he traced his hand up and down your back. He placed a kiss on the top of your head lightly before smoothing your hair, trying to soothe you. When you finally calmed down, with only hiccups left, he took your face in his hands, wiping away the tear stains off your cheeks.

“Who said anything about me throwing us away? Hmm?” He spoke softly as if he was trying not to frighten a calf. When you didn’t answer him or meet his eyes, he bent down to your level, meeting your weary eyes and repeated his question. When you stayed silent, he kissed your forehead before placing his own against yours.

“I’m not throwing us away, okay? I’m not. Even if you think I am, I promise you I’m not. You’re stuck with me, okay? You got it? I’m not leaving you,”

“But what if Seattle-”

“If. If, baby. It’s not set in stone, it’s an if. A possibility. Joe doesn’t even think they’ll take me. Waiving my contract meant they could protect another D. I haven’t played in practically a season, Seattle probably won’t want me.”

“Probably. Meaning there’s a chance they do want you,”

“There’s also a chance I get hit with a car tomorrow, or that it starts snowing in July.” When that didn’t crack a smile from you, he sighed. “I don’t know what’s going to happen and I wish I did and I wish I could guarantee I stay here but I can’t. But I can guarantee that I’m not giving up on us, even if I go somewhere else,” He ended with a soft smile but furrowed his eyebrows when he saw your eyes go hard again.

“So you’d still expect me to go with you then?” You broke away from his embrace. “To pack up everything I’ve ever known just because you waived your contract?” You shook your head and started off towards your bedroom.

“What, no! No! Baby, c’mon,” He grabbed your hand and turned you to face him. “I don’t expect you to change your whole life for me. I know your job and your friends and your life here is important to you. But I do expect you to have a little bit more faith in me, in us, that we’d figure it out.” He sighed again and dropped your hand to run his hands through his hair.

“Look, hypothetically, hypothetically, if Seattle took me, I only have a year left on my contract. After that, I can decide where I want to go. So it’d be one year, not even, just one season where we’d have to do long distance if you don’t want to move. We could do that. I know we could. And… I’m not as young as I used to be. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to play. And so when that day comes, I can be wherever you are. I don’t care if it’s Milwaukee, Hawaii, Seattle, or here. I want to be wherever you are, even if it means we do 8 months apart. I’ll do 8 months apart if it means the rest of our lives together.”

The two of you stood there in the hallway, silent, contemplating what was said. Even though you had lived together for a year now, this was your first major fight. And your first real glimpse into your future. Sure, you’d mentioned in passing getting a dog or a house with an acreage for his horses, but it was all in passing. EJ was a joker and although he makes you laugh like no other, he isn’t the kind of guy to get serious too often.

“You want forever with me?”

“Fuck yeah, baby. You’re it for me. And you have for a while now.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me you were waiving your clause?” You were pleading with him at this point, your eyes searching his for any sort of answer.

“I didn’t want you to freak out, which based on tonight, was fair enough on my end. And seriously, Joe doesn’t think they’ll take me. I’m old and injury prone. But Sammy isn’t. And we need Sammy. It was for the good of the team. And if I told you, you would’ve tried to talk me out of it.” He shrugged. “But I’d already made up my mind.” He reached out to take your hands again, his thumbs rubbing your thumb knuckles. “It wasn’t against you. I didn’t tell anyone I was waiving it until it was done,” You were silent as he continued to caress your hands.

“I want forever with you too, you know?”

His eyes sifted and his signature goofy grin made its way into his face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” You looked up at him and squeezed his hands. “Even when you’re being stupid and leave me in the dark,”

“Well then I’m a very lucky man,” He pressed his lips to your cheek in a sloppy kiss which pulled a smile from you. His smile grew wider in triumph. “There’s the smile I know and love. C’mon, let’s go to bed, yeah?” You nodded and kept your hands intertwined as he led you to the bedroom. The two of you slowly got ready for bed, EJ slipping under the covers first. He opened the blanket for you, and you turned off the light before finding you spot cuddled into his side, your head resting on his chest. His hand ran over your hair, whether to soothe you or him, you weren’t sure.

“I love you. And nothing, not even Seattle, will ever change that.” He whispered into the dark room.

“I know.” You pressed a light kiss to his chest and laid your head back down. “I love you too.”

“Whatever happens, it’s me and you babe. I promise.” He kissed the top of your head and slowly you both fell asleep, his promise of the future lulling you into a peaceful slumber.

let me know what you think! thanks for reading!

join my taglist

#erik johnson #erik johnson imagine #nhl imagine #erik johnson fic #nhl fic #colorado avalanche imagine #nhl x reader #hockey imagine #hockey fic #abby writes

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manonblaqkbeak · 3 years

Text

Dating and Goodreads

Back for Day 8-Blind date (how the hell do u guys come up with good title fics i struggle so bad lol). I wasn’t really going anywhere with this one, but when i read all of the others and saw how fun the fics were, i decided to finish this one.

also for Summertime and Fresh Strawberries, I deliberately left it blank but I can’t hold onto the secret bc two people were curious as to what happened, so i’ll let the rest of you know that aelin and rowan decided to keep summer and be a cute little family, bc im a sucker for happy endings lol (unless its angst, it’s safe to assume that all my rowaelin fics have happy endings bc they’ve all ready been thru so much and even in alt fics i need them to be happy lmao)

anyway, on to the next one. hope you enjoy!

1.8k words

cw: none

Aelin was a confident woman, something that she was proud of. But that didn't mean that there weren't times she didn't feel self-conscious or awkward and full of doubt.

Because right now, all those negative feelings were swimming inside of her.

And those feelings were just magnified today, especially since she had gotten fired only a few hours beforehand. It was utterly unexpected, she had never received any prior warnings, and while she was a fighter, Aelin didn't feel like stepping into the ring for this one. Not when her boss was a demon from hell that made life unbearable and she had to physically push herself into entering the work building.

Aelin told herself that it was for the best. She was miserable there and hated working in an office typing up the worlds most boring reports and working in a space that was entirely too drab.

But she wasn't looking forward to job hunting. Aelin was aware that she could ask her friends for favours, but if Aelin did something wrong, she didn't want it reflected back onto whoever helped her.

And she was still a little peeved over the damned argument she had online again with that haughty prick on Goodreads. Aelin wasn't sure why those arguments kept going, but each time she would post a review, White Tailed Hawk would respond, telling her that she read the book wrong and this and that and blah blah blah.

Aelin repaid the favour each time, telling him how he was wrong and he had no reading comprehension skills. And on and on it went until Aelin or whoever the fuck that guy was went back to their own lives.

Depressingly, it was the most fun she had some days.

Shaking her head, Aelin forced herself to think of the now and not of her shitty day. Still she sighed, not quite believing that she had agreed to this blind date. Couldn't believe that she had let Aedion convince her it was a good idea.

Aelin had said no at first, after Aedion had voiced his offer, and her cousin left it at that. But days went past, and he would bring up the topic of Rowan, about the things he had said that day, how his dry sense of humour took some time to get used to but once you figured it out, he was actually pretty funny, how he had finished a project perfectly and this and that.

But it got to her, annoyingly. So the other day when he was helping her out with some housework that was a two person job, Aelin told him to set up this date. Aedion cheered as if it was the best thing he had ever heard, telling her how she and Rowan were the perfect match for each other.

Aelin rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything of the assessment.

She had only agreed because it was getting frustrating being asked at every family event if she was dating someone, when she was going to give her parents grandchildren (that question pissed her off the most, as if Aelin was nothing but a birthing machine and that was all Aelin could contribute to society), and who was going to look after her when she was old if she didn't have children (because apparently carers didn't exist).

Aelin was also lonely—she could entertain herself just fine, but she did like the idea of coming home and talking to someone that could respond. She loved Fleetfoot and her enthusiasm when Aelin came home, but human companionship would be nice.

But Aelin didn't have high-hopes for this date because the universe liked to kick Aelin's ass from time to time, she suspected that they were going to hate each other.

Taking a deep breath, Aelin got out of her car, smoothed down her romper and went inside the restaurant, head held high.

X X X X X X

Rowan couldn't believe that he was about to go on a blind date. That Aedion had convinced him to go out with his younger cousin. He hadn't dated anyone since Lyria and he knew that his dating skills were going to be rusty as hell. He had been with Lyria since they were nineteen, married at 23 and divorced at 31; he had been single for the last two years.

It had been...fine, a little strange, after being with someone for so long to find himself a bachelor. Rowan never thought that he would apart from Lyria, but their relationship had just faded. Long before the divorce, it had been more like a housemate relationship than a marriage. He wasn't surprised when his ex-wife had come home after work with divorce papers. He had only stared at the paperwork for an hour before he signed the forms. Truthfully, Rowan was just glad that he was still on good terms with Lyria, that they could still talk to one another from time to time.

Rowan had almost called her earlier today, to ask how the hell dates went, but felt that it would have been crossing some invisible line, so he didn't call and instead had Googled the questions instead.

They didn't really help.

Rowan drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, telling himself that if things went wrong, then it wasn't the end of the world. That if he had to be a bachelor for the rest of his life, then that was fine. He had plenty of ways of keeping himself busy—he had a good career, a nice house, plenty of books to read and to argue online about them with.

He had one earlier today, actually, with Queen of Wildfire about a new release that Rowan had eagerly read within days of its release. And once again, he ended up with an argument with the woman about the messages and themes within the book.

It was stupid, he knew, to be at his age and to be fighting online with a stranger, but something about this woman just had his fingers flying over the keyboard.

Some days he looked forward to it, as embarrassing as that was to admit. He didn't really want to look into himself to figure out what it all meant.

Eyes drifting to the dashboard, Rowan realised that his date was about to start. Popping a mint into his mouth and smoothing out his clothes, Rowan took a deep breath and left the car and went to his first date in twelve years.

Hopefully, it wouldn't be too bad.

X X X X X X

The date had started out a little awkward, but that wasn't a surprise to Aelin, because what blind date started smoothly?

It picked up after Rowan admitted that he was divorced and that he had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do. Aelin appreciated that stark honesty and admitted that she too had no idea what to do.

Since then, the conversation went well, the food was good and Aelin had even swiped a few bites of his dinner because it just looked so much better than hers. Rowan had playfully grumbled underneath his breath, but smiled as he said it.

It was going really well. Maybe the universe had decided to give her a break for the rest of this evening. There was a part of her that maybe wondered if they would have sex, because the man did look fucking fantastic, but at the same time, she didn't want to rush anything in case this actually turned into something more.

“What's the dumbest thing that you've done recently or in the past?” Aelin asked. There was no such thing as small talk between them—Aelin had all ready asked if he believed in aliens and was glad when he said yes, because “it's ridiculous to think that we're alone in this wide universe of ours. It makes sense that there'd be other lifeforms out there.” Which was pretty damned close to Aelin's reasoning as well, so asking him about stupid moments felt like nothing in comparison.

Rowan smirked at the question and took a moment to think before answering. “I engage in online arguments.”

“Really? About what, exactly?”

“It's stupid. But my all my arguments occur on Goodreads of all places. Not Facebook, or YouTube, or Twitter, but Goodreads. It's never anything insulting but just arguments about how wrong some people's in depth reviews are.”

“Fair enough,” Aelin said, “I've been known to do the same thing as you. There's this one user on there, White Tailed Hawk—a stupid name if you ask me—and he just never...” Aelin stopped when she noticed that he stopped eating and was just looking at her weirdly. “Rowan? Are you okay?”

“Do you, by any chance, go under the name of Queen of Wildfire?”

Aelin blinked, and then blinked again, and once the pieces fell into place, she knew right then and there that the universe really hated her. She let out a harsh laugh, the sound echoing throughout the space. Aelin wasn't really sure what to say, because it was true what he said; it had never been insulting, but ending up on a date with the man she had regularly arguments with was just...she had no words, other then, “It really is a stupid name.” She took a sip of her wine, needing to do something other than wanting to bang her head against the table.

“I couldn't think of anything else to write.” And it wasn't also his favourite animal, he had told her that earlier.

They lapsed back into the awkward silence of earlier, both picking at their food.

But Aelin didn't want this night to go to waste. “It'd be stupid to let something as small as this get in the way of whatever this could be,” Aelin said, deciding to be blunt.

Rowan nodded. “It would be. Although I have to be honest, you really have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to Call of the Wild Winds.”

Aelin just about stormed off when she noticed his playful smile, his eyes sparkling bright. Laughing, Aelin threw a bread-roll at his handsome face, and once he caught it and split it in half for them to share, they went back to their earlier conversation.

And when Rowan walked her to her apartment door and kissed her on the cheek goodnight with a promise to text her later, Aelin couldn't help herself by telling him that all his opinions sucked and that he had no idea what he was talking about—all with a big smile on her face as Rowan sputtered as she closed the door on his face.

They spent the rest of the night texting, and all of Aelin's earlier woes faded away. And she looked forward to tomorrow, despite the horror of job hunting. Maybe the universe will finally let things turn around for the better for her.

Aelin went to sleep with a smile on her face, all because of White Tailed Hawk.

And on the other side of the city, Rowan also fell asleep with a smile on his face.

#rowaelin #rowaelin fanfiction #rowaelinmonth #my work

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xsugarysweetsx · 3 years

Note

Could I please get option 2! Angst and fluff?

The reader and Eren had been dating for years, everyone thought they were end game, until he went all you know season 4 Eren so she left him. He’s still in love with her so when he comes back he tries to get back with her, he also tries to kiss her and Jean sees and he like “hell no” and pushes Eren away because the reader and Jean are now happily together?

I hope that makes sense ☺️

A/N; ooo I like this idea! I changed it just bit to make it a little more dramatic, hope that’s okay!

Warnings; Slight toxic relationship; mentions of hooking up/no detail; some language; possible spoilers for season 4 if you have no watched it yet; Angst; some fluff.

Please enjoy~🍰

*******************************************************

“Do you really think the future will be different for us?“ you asked Eren as you walked along the dirt road hand in hand. Pulling your hand towards him so you walked in his arms he answers

“As long as I’m here,“ he stopped and turned to you “we’ll have the future you always dreamed of“ he kissed your forehead gently

“The one with a house, a dog and 2 kids?“ you giggle looking into his deep green eyes. It was true you wanted that future with Eren, one where you were finally happy together. After everything was over

“That and more“ just as he was about to lean in to kiss you Jean passed by

“There they go again. All lovey dovey“

“Hey at least I got someone!“ Eren retorted back making you all laugh. Before taking off Eren pulled you into a quick but love filled kiss. You hear them making sick sounds from your display of affection. Maybe everyone was right...maybe he was the hope for the future...

However, that was 4 years ago. When things still seemed to have hope, now you were at a base waiting for the return of the scouts as a medic in the same scenario you never wanted to see. 4 years later you were back to war, and chaos. What was worse was Eren, he was just so distant and cold now, he wasn’t the same. Even your relationship was strained. He was never abusive or anything but he wasn’t the same boy you had fallen for.

You were the only person who knew about him siding with Zeke. Whatever happened to finding peace? Ending the war? Living your happy future? He had the told you it wouldn’t happen since his life was now limited. He even thought of giving you his titan once he passed. It was just all too much for you, which lead to you leaving him about 2 years ago.

It broke your heart but for the sake of your mind and heart, this was better. Sleeping alone was something new, and something you didn’t like at all. He wanted you to stay though, he still loved you. There were even a few occasions where you’d still visit him and even slept over. You had stopped when the mission had started to go into process. And slowly and painfully, you felt that old love for him die along with your old self.

Now marking 4 years you were someone different, and everyone had noticed it. Some of them even became a bit protective of you knowing how Eren had changed. Levi gave you different assignments, you were moved to the infirmary, and Jean was even in the picture now. When you ha first broken up he found you crying alone. Instead of hiding it you had only busted into more tears.

He was there for you more than anyone, he even told you to get better you had to stop seeing him. Long story short you had gotten very close, and he eventually made his move. You gave him a chance and things went better than you anticipated. He treated you well, he was respectful and very loving. He was honestly very cute with how flustered he would become with you. No one else knew about you both except for Connie and Sasha. You couldn’t let this get to Eren, who knows what he would have done.

When he had left you felt so lonely and you were worried about him. Of course he was strong and a great fighter but, he also put others before himself which worried you. As for him, he was happy you stayed home where he knew you were safe. As soon as you could see the airship your heart was pounding. With excitement, fear, hope and so many other emotions. But as soon as they came out Eren was in custody, grim faces, and a body, not to mention 2 kids...

Jean comes over to you with a straight face. He first embraces you over everything else. To feel you in his arms again was like grounding himself to reality that he was still alive.

“Jean?“ you asked

“...I’m sorry...“ he sniffed. Taking a head count there was one missing, Sasha. That body...it couldn’t have been...unless those kids were..

Pain was something you knew all too well. Yet this pain of losing someone was familiar yet more painful than anything. You didn’t have all the time in the world to mourn though, you had to tend to injured soldiers. Everyone wasn’t seriously hurt, a few scrapes and bruises but nothing more. After everyone was patched up you wanted to see Jean. You asked to see him or any injuries, which he actually had a few, just some scratches. You ask him to come to your room for more privacy.

“Come on take your shirt off“ you said grabbing some swabs and disinfectant

“you just want me to be shirtless“ he said with weak humor. You softly giggle but you know he wasn’t completely okay. Lifting up his head by his chin you make him look at you. You didn’t need any words as you lean down and kiss him gently. The kiss lingers just for a bit as his hands glide up to your waist and brings you down into his lap.

“being out there in war is the last thing I ever want to see. But if it means that I get to come back to you I'll give you a hundred times“ he whispered to you with one more kiss to your soft lips. Without moving from your place in his lab, you continue to clean and patch up the small scrapes on his chest. After you were done he laid with you in bed for the night.

The next morning you had to go and see Eren. You had to make sure he didn’t seriously injure himself or trying to at the moment. Of course there would be someone there with you just to be sure you were safe. And of all people it was Jean, now you were in a basement with you ex-boyfriend, and current boyfriend. He reluctantly opens the cells and lets you in.

“Y/N, it’s been a while. You look good“ he said eyeing you up and down, almost as if it were only you and him there.

“Please sit Eren. Did you hit your body in anyway?“ you ask feeling his shoulders and back; no broken bones

“No...“

“Hands please“ you hold yours out and take a hold of his large ones. They bring back a nostalgic feeling, you check them and see nothing wrong. You check other things like his eyes, head, hearing and he was in perfect health. Packing up your few things you tell him

“Well, you’re completely healthy and that should be because of your titan powers. If you start feeling sick make sure to tell the guard to get me.” before you could walk out he grabs your hand.

“Y/N wait“ he pulled you back a little

“Eren-“

“I still love you damn it!“ he cuts you off spinning your around. He meant it. He really did. It’s just you had moved on, and found a new light after seeing who he truly was. He still wanted you to be his.

“Eren let me go.” you try to shake him off

“Don’t you understand I’m doing this for us? So that we can finally be free together“ He holds you close and inches towards your face “whatever happened to us? Our future?“ he whispered

You shut your eyes hoping for all this to be some crazy dream. You expected for a forceful kiss to crash on your lips but it never came. Opening your eyes Jean had put himself between you both. Moving your hand out of the way and pushing you behind him

“She said, let go.“ Jean said sternly keeping his ground. Your hand gripped the back of his long coat to keep him from taking any hits.

“Who the hell are you in this situation?” Eren sneered

“A guy who can actually love her the way she should be loved.” he barked right back

“Y/N.” he called but you didn’t answer “I know you too damn well, now get-”

“I love him Eren! H-he’s been caring for me when I was down and I love him“ while Jean had his cheeks flustered from your profession of love Eren’s heat in rage. Whatever God was out there, more guards had come after hearing the shouting.

“The hell is going on in here” Levi spoke up seeing you behind Jean and the tension of the room spoke for itself. “You two out and upstairs now.” he said sternly. He had to be the cold captain to mask his worry about you both. Jean puts you in front of him and escorts you out of the cell and you could faintly hear

“i fucking loved you....“

Getting you upstairs as fast as he could he walks you into a small office and locks the door. After locking the door he turns to you and embraces you into his chest

“Did he hurt you? Are you okay? Does anything hurt?“ he asked cheking your head and wrists

“Im okay Jean...“ you say almost quietly “Just...“ you hold back

“I won’t force you to say anything...but I’m here for you, okay?“ he tries to comfort you

You step forward and crash your forehead on to his chest. “hold me?” you didn’t mean for it to sound weak and broke but you were just shaken at the moment. He took you into his arms in mere seconds. Walking slowly backwards he sits on a couch with you in his lap. He held you tightly almost as if you were going to be ripped form his arms. He’d press kisses every now and then to your head and whisper things like

“I love you“

“You’re so strong“

“no one will ever hurt you“

It still hurt. It was still there. Maybe you weren’t as strong as you thought or wanted to be. Yet, at this moment you felt the safest you ever have in a long time. Jean’s warmth, his scent, his whole aura engulfed you. Almost like you were in a safety blanket, one that protected you from the world. Even from someone who was once your world...

*******************************************************

I hope this was okay! ❤️

#jean kirstein x reader #jean x reader #eren yaeger x reader #attack in titan x reader #shingeki no kyojin x reader #aot x reader #snk x reader #eren yeager #attack on titan fanfiction #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #jean kirstein #aot jean #anime #anime x reader #anime fanfiction #fanfic #angst #fluff

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kewltie · 3 years

Text

thinking of bkdk in their late 40s when all their friends have already settled down with a family, izuku muses a lil forlornly how he would like to have someone to come home and katsuki just stares him dead in the eyes and says, "marry me then. i wont let you be lonely in that empty apartment."

the thing is bkdk are super successful heroes, they're the ranking no.1 and 2 and everyone knows their name but because izuku put so much effort into his career he never give himself the chance to meet someone and fall in love because the next things he know he's already 48 yrs old and still very single. as soon as he got right out of UA he had put himself right to work and hasn't truly stop since so izuku feels like he misses out on his youth, the flutter of first love, and now he feels like it's too late to grasp that chance again because he's too old to be stumbling around at love BUT here is katsuki suddenly telling izuku to marry him as though that would solve everything, solve izuku's worries and fears that he'll never experience love the way his friends had or knows what it feels to come home to a waiting arms that will comfort him after a hard day at work.

izuku first tries to laugh it off because katsuki cant be serious right?? but katsuki doesn't crack a single smile. "Do i look like im the type to joke about this kind shit to you?" he asks, voice steady and true. it is then that izuku realizes katsuki had meant every word he said.

but izuku still cant wrap his head around why would katsuki want to marry him of all things?? it is because they're both bachelor and wretchedly alone standing at the very top of their career where nobody can touch or hope to nobody can understand them like they do to each other?? izuku thinks that's a very dry reason to marry someone for the sake of convenience and not love at all because even though he'd devoted all his time to saving the world and helping ppl and HE'S OLD NOW but he still earnestly yearn to fall in love the ways all his friends had.

"If you needed company, we don't have to marry each other. I'm here for you always, you know that," izuku offers instead. "We're partners."

katsuki is silent briefly, then, he says, "You think i want to marry because you're convenience?"

Izuku blinks. "is that not it?"

"No," he says, all grave and serious, and for a moment izuku is breathless with realization.

"Oh," izuku replies, looking down at the table like it has all the answer in the world. "how long?"

"Since our third year at UA."

izuku jerks his head up, eyes wide with shock.

"what—I, wait, you can't mean that right?" he shakes his head as he flounders for the right words. they're both almost hitting their 50s now, so if it started in their third year then it would be 30 years of katsuki waiting for him, of pining over izuku and all that time was lost because of it.

katsuki press his lips into a thin line. "I have never lie to you."

"I—I'm not—" izuku flushes, because this wasn't anything he had plan for. who would anyway? no one would ever believe that katsuki has been in love with him for almost 30 years and izuku only found out about it now. even though katsuki has revealed the secret he has been hiding for 3 decades, izuku has no answer for him. he didn't notice katsuki's feelings for this long not because he chose to willfully ignore it but because he has never thought of katsuki in that light and that is the sad truth of it all. katsuki must have realizes that too because he doesn't press for more from izuku.

"i'm sorry," izuku says, mind racing to come up with a proper reply to katsuki's feelings because he deserves that much. "it's not you—"

Katsuki scowls. "shut the fuck up, don't even start that with me."

izuku quickly shuts his mouth, floundering for another reply that with save both of their feelings.

"Six months," katsuki says instead, eyes firm and never once dull since izuku has known him. "give me six months to convince you and if it doesn't work out we can get divorce then."

"you still want to marry me?!" izuku asks in disbelief. "shouldn't we like date first at least? isn't that how normal relationship work?!"

katsuki roll his eyes. "we co-own an agency, you have your toothbrush at my house, and we spent 18hrs out of 24 together almost everyday. our friends joke about us being a married to each other as much as to our work, we're each other's first emergency contact if something were to happen," he continues, straightforward like he's listing their grocery for today, "and i cant ever imagine wanting anyone more than i ever want you."

throughout this strange turn in their conversation, izuku realizes not once has he ever heard katsuki said he loves him but the way katsuki had revealed his unwavering devotion that lasts 3 decades and the dry, bluntness in which he spoken of wanting izuku, it's heavy. this hefty thing that katsuki has carried with him for nearly 3 decades, and in those years what izuku thought katsuki was just disinterest in any romantic connection because not once had izuku seen him look at another person, but it's because he has eyes only for izuku and nobody else.

izuku should have known never to expect anything less then 120% with katsuki because if there's anything that means something to katsuki, he would give it all and then some. it's humbling really, to be loved so fiercely and with such devotion that 3 decades is worth every second of it but izuku doesn't know if he's worth it especially when he's hesitant about his own murky feelings. he loves katsuki undoubtedly. they're partners in more way then one, but he doesn't know if he can love katsuki the way he deserves to be love in return, to return that same level of intensity.

"and what if the six months went by and there's nothing show for it?" izuku mumbles, hands clasp together under the table. i dont want to ruin this friendship of ours, he doesn't say. "what if you get bored with me and realized this isn't something you want now. what happen then?"

"you're stuck with me for life even if we get a divorce. i won't let you ever get rid of me either way," katsuki says, lips twitching with the slightest hint of amusement. "and if you're worry about me getting bored of you, don't. i fucking wont." It’s firm, assured, and completely sincere.

izuku thinks anybody with a half a brain at all would see this admirable man right in front of them with his unwavering affection and devotion that he had nurtured for 3 decades would be half way in love already, but izuku neither race or skip a beat; it remains dull and unmoved. maybe he's really too old to love like this. maybe, it's not that he's too busy to ever search for it like everyone else but because he has all the love for everyone but none ever hold a special place in his heart. for all of katsuki's sharp edges, his feelings burn ever so brightly while izuku has since been numb to his own emotions. to give too much to the world, to his job that he has never let himself fall freely and unconditionally. it's terrifying.

"what if i hurt you instead?" he says, quiet and severe. "what if in the end i couldn't return what you've given me?"

katsuki doesn't answer right away. the air around them tenses, threatening to suffocate them in the waiting silence. then a hand grab his and draws it toward katsuki's chest. "don't fucking underestimate me, idiot. i can and will make you fall in love with me in 6 months. 6 months is more than enough to make you realize what a fucking dumbass you have been the entire time for not taking notice of me while i have been looking at you for almost half of our life," he says with the cocky assurance that propelled him to the no. 2 position and beyond.

for the first time since this exchange had started and taken a strange, strange turn that left him his world shaken to its core, izuku's heart feels lighten. He stifles a giggle. "i still think we should date at least. marriage is maybe jumping the gun a little too soon."

"No." Katsuki's eyes narrow, and he squeezes izuku's hand firmly. "i'm not giving you any chance to escape from this. we can do all the dumb dating things you could ever want but we're getting marry first."

izuku tries to draw his hand back but katsuki remains undeterred. "Kacchan, please," he says. half begging for his hand back and half pleading against his insane idea. who in their right mind would ever marry first then date each other?! That's just not how it work! yet, katsuki is an unmovable fortress against increasing izuku's distress.

"deku," he says, thumb running across izuku's knuckles in a soothing circle, "give me this chance. let me prove it to you that i can do it. take this leap of faith with me and i won't disappoint you. trust me with your heart like you trust me with your life and i promise i will keep it safe."

izuku draws out a long, lingering breath that leaves his head heady with a dawning realization. "o-okay," he finally acquiesces, shaken with the knowledge that his heart suddenly doesn't feel safe at all for the first time in a long time in the hands of the man in front of him. bakugou katsuki is dangerous, but to the tender beat of his heart.

Katsuki's lips stretch upward into a small, precious smile that rarely see the light of day, leaving izuku breathless just for a moment. "we'll go get the marriage license tomorrow."

"tomorrow?!" izuku shrieks.

maybe he has been wrong all along, maybe you're never too old fall in love and experience it for the first time and that sometimes the things that matter the most to you are always worth the wait even if take 3 decades and katsuki always been more patient then people give him credits for.

#bakudeku #not!fic

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ncssian · 3 years

Text

A Favor: Part Eleven

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: first chapter after acosf!! im sorry for how short this one is, but acosf wrecked me and writing this put me back together. i hope it does something similar for you ❤️

***

“You say you’ve been doing better lately?”

The therapist’s office is plain, a little gloomy, but big windows overlook the center of town that make Nesta feel less suffocated.

She nods, “Yeah.”

“How would you describe ‘better’?” Dr. Bond— Lana, she insists on being called— has been endlessly patient with Nesta’s non-answers so far. Nesta almost feels bad and decides to throw the woman a rope.

“I’m not alone anymore,” she says. “I used to be alone all the time, but now I have friends, sort of… and a boyfriend.” She still loves that word. It’s never tasted so exciting before.

“You were always alone before this, then? Or were there just people that you didn’t consider noteworthy?”

A scowl rises to Nesta’s mouth. Damn, she works quick. “I was raised with two sisters in a one-bedroom apartment. I never got to be alone, but then I grew up, and…” Her mind wants to skip over the time she spent in college. “For the last couple of years, I holed up in my own place. Never wanted to talk to anybody or see them. If people took an interest in me, I shut them down because I didn’t have an interest in them.”

“You missed a few years,” Lana notes.

“What?”

“You’re twenty-four, and you moved out at eighteen. Where were you before getting your own place?”

Numbness seeps through Nesta at the question. She knows she can ask Lana to change the topic, but that will only bring it back later. “I had a boyfriend in college,” she says flatly. “I lived with him for a few years, but like you said, it isn’t noteworthy.”

“As a fellow lone wolf, I disagree.” Lana’s clinical polite face is unchanging. “Any person who you trust enough to let into your life is noteworthy.”

Nesta says nothing.

“I’m interested in these people you’ve chosen to trust,” her therapist continues after a beat of silence. “Why don’t we start with whoever you trust most?”

Nesta snorts. This she can talk about.

“His name is Cassian. I’ve been living with him ever since my apartment got flooded a couple of months ago, and he’s always been a good friend to me.” She sits there, thinking about what else to say. “I think I like him more than I’ve ever liked anybody.”

“This is the new boyfriend?”

Nesta nods.

“Do you compare him to the old one?”

Nesta doesn’t know what this lady’s angle is, but she answers carefully, “I used to. Back when I first moved in. I haven’t done it in a long time, though.”

“Why not?”

The answer is simple. “There’s no need to. He’s not comparable to anybody.”

“Is that why you opened up to him after two years of self-imposed isolation?”

Nesta looks away. “It wasn’t isolation,” she defends. “It’s just… after a lifetime of being subjected to the gaze of strangers, I wanted to hide. I liked hiding.” Mostly.

“What does that mean, the gaze of strangers?”

Question after cool question, this one. Nesta struggles to find a proper answer.

“You know how,” she starts slowly, “as soon as you start school, you’re placed into this bubble with a bunch of people who don’t know you and have no reason to care about you? There’s a shift in how you view people, and how people view you. And I thought I could leave it behind once I graduated high school, but it followed me to college and to parties and into everyday interactions.”

“What is it?”

“It’s this—” Nesta waves her hands, “judgment. It’s that thing you do as soon as you meet someone, and you try to determine whether they’re worth your time or not. Whether they’re above or below you in this made-up social hierarchy in your head.”

“Explain that more,” Lana says.

“We want to hang around people we find cool. And when we meet someone new, we inspect them, look them up and down, to see if they fit our definition of cool. We take them apart. Everyone does it, even you. And with me,” she shrugs, “I’m pretty, I wear the right clothes, I do my makeup. So at first glance, people think, ‘Oh, I can see myself getting to know her better. I can see myself liking her.’ But then they take a closer look at me, and it’s like…” Her fingers flutter in the air, trying to support her thoughts. “I can see their minds changing. ‘Nevermind, I was wrong. Nevermind, there’s something off with her. She’s a little quiet, a little weird, a little bitchy.’”

Lana narrows her eyes. “And Cassian doesn’t look at you like that?”

Nesta looks away. “He doesn’t look at anyone like that.”

It’s what used to make her so uncomfortable about him. She was incapable of fathoming his honesty, his genuineness, his kindness. She thought he was even weirder than her for it— she placed him beneath her on her social hierarchy for it.

Lana frowns thoughtfully. “And now you two live together?”

Nesta nods, then shrugs. “For the next twenty-four hours, we do. He’s helping me move back into my old place.”

Because that was another conversation she and Cassian had on Thanksgiving night. It was a long time coming, but also the perfect time.

“You’re saying your apartment has been ready for weeks? Why are you just telling me now?”

Nesta pillowed her face on his chest, not as upset at revealing the news as she would have been some days ago. “Because I was scared that if I moved out, I would lose my friendship with you.”

“That never would have happened—”

“We wouldn’t see each other every day anymore. Even if we didn’t go back to being complete strangers, the closeness would be lost.”

“You must not know me, then. I would’ve texted you every fucking hour. You’d never hear the end of me.”

“I couldn’t guarantee that back then.” She looked up at him through her lashes. “I can now.” She crawled higher up his body, lowering her voice to a secretive pitch. “Want to know why?”

“Why?” he whispered.

“Because you’re mine now. And that’s what I was waiting for while I made Lorene hold that shitty empty apartment for me. I was waiting for a catalyst, a revelation.” She pressed a kiss to his sternum. “And I most definitely got it.” The pleasant ache between her legs was proof enough. “Also,” she added, “it would be weird if you lived with your girlfriend before even having a first date with her.”

Cassian huffed a laugh. “You have a point there. We have been moving backwards, haven’t we?”

Nesta nodded into his skin.

He got a little quiet. “Still,” he said after a moment. “I’ll miss you.”

“You’ll see me every day. I’ll be fifteen minutes away.”

“I’ll still miss you.”

“I know.”

“What does talking about guys have to do with my therapy?” Nesta squirms, getting restless with the topic.

“Lots of things,” Lana says, putting down her notepad. “It gets you comfortable with expressing your feelings to me, and it teaches me about how you view the world. Besides, therapy isn’t just a rehashing of past traumas, you know. We can talk about whatever you want here, especially if it makes you feel good.”

“Well, I want to talk about something else.” She’s not spending this much money by the hour just to talk about how much she likes Cassian— she can go to Cassian for that for free.

“Like what?” Lana asks smoothly.

She’s offering an opening, finally, to the real reason that Nesta’s here.

Nesta pulls at the sleeves of her sweatshirt, wondering where to start. “I feel like I’ve been growing up lately,” she says carefully. “I have all these new people in my life to be responsible for, and I’m— I want to do it right. But I’m worried I won’t have room for new things until I pack up some of my old shit, so that’s why I’m here, I guess. I don’t want to hold on to all of my old shit anymore.”

At Lana’s encouraging silence, she continues, “I spent my whole life stuck in a suffocating town, and as soon as I left, I got stuck in a relationship. By the time I knew what freedom felt like, I— I’d been left behind. Everyone I knew was moving onto bigger things and all I had was this shitbag of a past. So I got a new place and started law school and called it a fresh start, but now I’m here and I’m not sure if I ever got better.”

She takes a sharp breath after everything that’s spilled.

Lana purses her lips, letting the room absorb Nesta’s words. After a long moment, she says, “Just because bad things stop happening to someone, doesn’t mean they instantly get better. It’s a good thing that you’re recognizing that before stepping into new relationships, Nesta.”

Lana glances at the clock on the wall. “I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today, but this was a productive first session.” She offers a small smile. “Same time next week?” She says it as if it isn’t already a done deal.

Nesta nods gratefully anyway, unable to say anything else. As soon as she’s out the door, a pent-up sigh escapes her. That wasn’t so bad.

***

Later that night, Nesta doesn’t miss Cassian’s wistful stare as he takes down the painting he got her from the fall festival. Nor does she miss how slowly he packs it away.

Once the bedroom she made her home is as sparse as the day she moved in, all her things packed away neatly in boxes, Nesta wraps her arms around Cassian and pulls him to the bed. There, she lets him hold her close, their breaths and limbs intertwining as they lie in thoughtful silence.

“I can’t believe I’ll never see this room again,” Nesta says quietly.

Cassian’s eyes widen in alarm. “What do you mean, never again?”

“I’ll be staying in your room whenever I visit, remember?” Her underwear already occupies a drawer in his closet.

Cassian visibly relaxes when he remembers, then smiles. “Right. Of course.”

She lets herself sink deeper into his embrace. “I just realized you’ve never seen my apartment before.” He was waiting at the front door of Lorene’s place while Nesta collected her things all those weeks ago, but she cringes at the thought of him visiting now. The clear wealth gap between her and Cassian doesn’t usually show, but it’ll be undeniable with the cramped room she calls an apartment. “Maybe it’s best if I move back in without your help. There might not even be space there for your huge body.”

“Sounds more appealing by the minute.” He’s not joking. He tilts up Nesta’s chin so she’s forced to meet his eyes. “I can’t wait to start partaking in your life the way you took over mine. Spending nights at your place, meeting your friends, riding in your car instead of mine.”

Nesta swallows.

“I’m gonna miss you like hell, but it’ll be for the best.”

He’s right: this is what’s best for their budding relationship right now. Moving out, creating even a little bit of distance— all of it is so they can finally learn each other as lovers instead of roommates. So when they do come back together, which Nesta firmly believes they will, it’ll be stronger than ever before.

Some of their shared sadness flits away at the truth of it. She only places her hand on his cheek, content to appreciate this view— this beautiful, hazel-shaded view— without further chitchat or goodbyes.

Cassian is not as fond of the silence. “I need to tell you something,” he says seriously after a few minutes.

After only a handful of days dating Cassian, Nesta knows what he’s going to say. “Don’t,” she warns, unamused.

He grins conspiratorially and leans in even closer, until their mouths are almost brushing. “You’re my everything, Nesta.”

“Oh my god, stop it.” She squirms out of his hold and gets up, tossing the blankets off herself.

“No, come back!” He makes a grab for her sleeve. “We have to use the bed one last time—”

But she’s already running off.

***

Cassian carefully arranges the canvas painting on the wall, taking a step back to determine if it’s hanging straight. The ruby and amber leaves of the landscape stand out against the dull teal walls of Nesta’s basement apartment, but he’s just getting started.

The rest of Nesta’s things are half-unpacked from their cardboard boxes, but instead of going for the important shit first, he finds the box he specifically marked FAVES in bold letters the night before.

While Nesta wrangles to get her clothes back into her old closet in the background, Cassian crouches and rips open the small box. There, lying atop his girlfriend’s favorite trinkets and personal items, is the framed photo he snuck in without her noticing.

It’s of the two of them at the fall festival, taken mere hours before their first kiss. Nesta is pressed up close to Cassian (her excuse being that it was cold), and a genuine light fills her eyes, one that Cassian never thought he’d be able to capture on camera. Cassian himself isn’t looking at the camera, but down at Nesta with wind-flushed cheeks and a distant smile. Making sure she’s having a good time, that she truly wants to be there with him in that moment.

He never realized how close they looked in that picture until he had it printed and framed, not long after Nesta announced she was moving out. He can’t believe he didn’t see it sooner.

Standing up, he places the photo on Nesta’s wooden dresser. Nesta still has her head in the closet, moving things around, but Cassian makes no announcement of his gift to her. She’ll notice it sooner or later.

He clears his throat. “Wanna take a break and order Chinese?”

Nesta pops her head out of the closet, her ponytail ruffled and eyes narrowed at him. “Have you even been helping this whole time?”

“Standing here and looking pretty is harder than it seems, but I don’t expect any credit from you,” he jokes. “Just let me buy you lunch.”

Nesta grumbles something he chooses not to hear, but straightens up and rubs her spine with a wince. “I need a fucking chiropractor,” she mutters.

Guilt shoots through Cassian at that small wince, and he resolves to finish organizing Nesta’s closet for her before the day is over. Nesta goes on, “So? Still determined to split your time between here and the cabin?” She gestures to the apartment with an arm.

It’s really just a glorified single room, with a rusty kitchenette in the corner, a hallway near the stairs that holds the bathroom, and Nesta’s bed pushed against one wall. It’s nothing special, but Cassian loves it. Mostly because he can already envision each new nook and cranny to take Nesta against, and how he wants to wake up in that too-small bed on days that he’s too lazy to drive home.

“It’s perfect,” he says simply. Thank you for sharing your home with me, is what he really means. Speaking of homes—

Cassian digs around in his pocket, finding and pulling out a newly-minted silver key. “I almost forgot to give you this.”

Nesta frowns, coming forward to take the key from him. He uses the closeness as an excuse to wrap his arms around her waist while she inspects the object.

She glances up at him, eyes softer than they were a moment ago, lips slightly parted. “You’re giving me a key to the cabin?”

He shrugs casually. “You should’ve gotten one a long time ago.” She used either Cassian’s key or the spare while she lived there.

Her mouth is still open, and she closes it once, twice, before finally saying, “I don’t have a key to my place for you.”

“But I can get one,” she adds quickly. “If you want it, that is.”

Of course he wants it, but he keeps his face carefully neutral. “Only if you want me to have one. We’re still new, and this is your personal space.” He emphasizes your.

Nesta purses her lips, then says, “I’ll think about it.”

Cassian’s shoulders slump in relief— relief that Nesta is being honest with him instead of doing something she isn’t yet ready for. He’ll take her honesty over an apartment key any day.

Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he smiles brightly and shoves her toward the bed. “If we’re getting dumplings again then you can’t steal mine.”

***

a/n: fair warning that ive never been to therapy, but in stories therapists are usually a mode for character exploration and development, which is what nesta's therapy will be for.

also im so glad i got to meet gwyn in acosf and im so excited to introduce her into this fic too!! if you have ideas for her origin story feel free to share because nothing is planned yet

taglist: @ladywitchling @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson @swankii-art-teacher

#a favor #nesta archeron #nessian #cassian #nessian fic #ncssianwrites

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