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christinebloodwrittings · 2 months

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To hunt or be hunted #2

Pairing: Alastor x Fem!Reader x Lucifer

Summary: Strong statements from the "feared" king of hell, deadly oversights, cute duck-shaped cupcakes and the forgotten terror that lives beneath the hotel enjoying a certain demon's broadcast.

Warnings: Self loathing, a bit of a scare, nothing else I can think of.

Taglist: open...

The crowd, and 102 notes have spoken. Funny enough, things I consider drabbles blow up, and stuff that I like and post stays forgotten, anyways that's life. Feedback is always appreciated btw.

For the ppl that voted One-shot, my request box is open if you guys want to drop something Hazbin related.

Charlie had habilitated a back door for the kitchen, heading to the street, so that groceries and the kitchen supplies that you order could arrive unnoticed and would not bother her guests. Also for you to come and go as you may see fit without drawing, as she called it, ‘Unwanted attention’.

Of course she wasn’t thinking of the swarm of questions that may come your way, but more like if they found out, she would have to break the little image she had worked on all this years, the controlled, nice and loving princess everyone knew; to show a bit of the real menace she can be. She hated exercising her authority over others because of what happened with you, it felt wrong and invasive, so she never wanted to re-enter the same void she had fell through when her mother left.

She still used a more severe tone when addressing to you and her orders, or as she calls them ‘mandatory suggestions’, orders nonetheless, and when she asks you for what you’ve heard around town. She wants to keep up with what the people say about the hotel? Not entirely, she just likes gossip.

When either Angel Dust or Husk asked Charlie where did the food come from, she either said that she ordered it, or rely on the fact that sometimes Nifty cooked, per Alastor’s suggestion, but only when he wasn’t around to bring out the fact that she was lying.

Your ears perked up at some noise coming from the renovated parlor, usually it was just Alastor messing with the king of Hell, which made your eyes roll in annoyance given his lack of battle IQ, but the stubborn stag was mildly protected by the princess’s favor, without it, his head would hang on the king’s wall, probably as a coat rack. Now, that thought brought you a smile and a small laugh.

Later at night, when most demons were fast asleep, Angel Dust tiptoe his way inside the hotel, after a long session demanded by Valentino. He tried no to groan given the fatigue, and as he stretched backwards, making his back crack.

“What the fuck?” he muttered when a candle lit up on top of the new bar table, on top of it lied a plate with a medium rare cooked stake sided with homemade mash potatoes and some sauteed vegetables, next to it a glass of wine and silverware, along with a note that read:

“You failed to attend to dinner, saved you a plate. Enjoy”

He reluctantly took a bite, but after realizing that if it were spiked with anything he would’ve already died, given that drugs in hell had a fast effect when it comes to assassination, he enjoyed every last bit of it, making small moan sounds as he did. He also complimented the selection of the wine. You enjoyed the praises as you saw him eat.

As soon as he made his way back to his room, you took the plate and various items to give them a wash. The next day, Husk earned a kiss on the cheek without knowing what he did to deserve it.

It gave you a warm feeling in your chest when the guests liked your food, even more so when they expected anxiously what would it be for the next day, as you never really published the menu for the week, only the princess knew.

Given Angel’s constant praise, you started leaving protein shakes in his night stand before he woke up, always with a ‘Drink me for strength’ note, same with Vaggie when she started working out in the mornings. Charlie took your gesture and assured that she made them out of concern, which was well received by the rest, but not so much from her towards you.

“What did we talk about laying low?” she turned a bit demonic as she whispered harshly, “If you want to starve yourself to death, be my guest, but you made me the chef of the Hotel since day one, and no one inside this walls will die of malnourishment if I can help it” you well knew of the nasty habit the princess had towards food, by sometimes (often) forgetting to eat, or drive herself to an extent of stress, that she just dismissed breakfast or launch, even both on some occasions.

“Fine. On another subject, my dad will start living here, permanently. He’s Celiac, just so you know” Gluten allergy, that caught you off guard. You made a mental note to replace flours, rice and pastas into a non-glutinous option, same as your pastries for tea time from now on.

“About time you made peace with him” she shot you a warning look but didn’t correct you, “Yeah well, I’m happy about it, it took too long” for a while she felt that it was her fault for her parent’s split, as any child of divorce would begin to feel in the first period of the breakup. That feeling diminished, but hasn’t left her system entirely, no mater how much her girlfriend reassures her of the contrary.

“Arrange his room please, I left a few things lying around, but I have a session, so, can you handle it?” you nodded, satisfied with your answer, or rather lack thereof, she turned into her cheery self. “He left to pack up a few things from the castle, he’ll be back in a few hours, please don’t let him see you” with that last bit, she left the kitchen.

The king’s room wasn’t messy, Nifty wouldn’t allow it, so there were just a few items to place around, and a massive bed to put together, piece by piece no less. It was a Belphegor’s elite brand bed, no less, it had an insane amount of screws and parts, for someone known as the queen of Sloth, it took a serious amount of effort to put up with her products.

Took you two hours to set the whole thing up. Why did it take so long to put together a bed? because when you had it perfect, you noticed that you had three leftover screws, you weren't supposed to have leftover screws, so you disassembled it piece by piece until you found a place for the damn screws. The instructions were worse written than a menu in a Cantonese restaurant when the owner is obviously not Cantonese and wrote up the whole thing in google translate.

You took a big breath, satisfied with your work only when you put on the last blanket over the foot of the bed. “Weight blanket” you muttered with the fabric in between your fingers. Right in between the bedspread and the sheet there was a fairly heavy blanket, it lead to something obvious, two, either anxiety, or the king was missing his wife to the point he needed a weighted hug over him.

Your ears caught the sound of wings, he would arrive in no time.

You only had a millisecond to think, either run to the door and risk being seen, or put on the veil, jump out the window, but you were at penthouse level, that would probably leave you quadriplegic, on the other hand you transferred your tunnel system between the walls from the old hotel to the new one, you would just have to push the fake tile behind the bathroom door.

You ran out of time.

Still in your place, like a statue, you put the veil carefully over your body, this time without your eyes being able to be seen through.

The fallen angel dropped one single portfolio, the same blowing up into a swarm, no, a tsunami of rubber ducks, pieces of clothing, all ending up scattered all over the room, giving you an opportunity to make your way behind the bathroom door.

“Oh Charlie put together my bed? That ought to be a lot of work” he ended the sentence with a singsong tone before jumping onto the mattress. ‘That’s a shit ton of baloney, I bust my ass and the little devil gets credit for it? Fucking fantastic’ you mentally growled.

“Lily, if you could see her, she looks more like you every day” his voice cracked, “I wish…I wished I knew how to help. What could I possibly offer her? Advice? Experience? On what?! falling, being a constant disappointment? She did more things than you and I did in ten thousand years”

“I feel so useless” peeking over the door you saw the tiny king, wrapping himself in his six enormous wings. ‘Majestic’ you thought, after seeing millions of demons since you died, it was the first time you saw someone so beautiful. It made sense, he was indeed the prettiest angel God ever created, the best singer too.

How can someone like that, ethereal, could be troubled by things so…earth bound?

In an instant, he jumped out of bed, brushed up his hair a little, then walked out the door with the most fake smile you had ever seen. Boy you knew about fake smiles.

Later in the afternoon, around tea time, you changed up your regular flour for almond, it was definitely a different experience in terms of texture, but in terms of flavor, it could pass for regular flour, no one was going to notice.

Three types of cupcakes: Salted caramel, red velvet with vanilla stuffing, and cookie dough cupcakes shaped as ducky ones.

Alastor wasn’t a fan of sweets, so a mildly coffee infused cake with a caramel dressing with coarse salt on top, did the trick amazingly. Paired with a nice cup of Orange Pekoe tea to send him down memory lane. When you picked his plate up, there wasn’t a single crumb left.

The rest of the Hotel fancied your pastries, and loved sweets. Red velvet was a well-received classic, but it consisted of a vanilla flavored cake, and pair it with a filling of the same flavor might over do it. Instead, you added orange juice to the mix, the citrus smell with the sweet vanilla swirl on top were the sensation in the redemption session.

The only questionable thing about the mix was the berry tea that Charlie liked to drink during her sessions.

You baked small batches of cookie dough balls only a quarter of time, then poured the gluten free vanilla cupcake batter on top of it, keeping the cookie cooking at the bottom while you prepared the chocolate icing. When still warm you used a duck shaped scraper for the cake to take shape, then use the icing to make spikes, horns and little faces on them when it had cooled down a bit.

Why were you making special things for him? Pity? Empathy? Maybe both, but you were far too busy remembering the steps to the king’s room to bother.

All the ducks seemed organized, it definitely was the same mess, but perhaps there was some sense in his insanity. The plate was placed carefully in his night stand, along with a saucer and the tea cup filled with chamomile tea.

“Stop, freeze right there” you were about to place the hand written card when the distorted voice of the king froze your nerves in place, good thing that you were wearing the veil.

“Riddle me this, I’m connected to your every step, but I’m not your shoe. What am I?” he was near but stayed right in your blind spot, as he walked towards you. “Answer” his voiced sent chills down your spine, made your teeth sharpen as well as your claws, and your ears perk up defensively.

“You’re a shadow” your answer brought in him a subtle laugh, “Even through that shield of yours, dear, you cast a shadow, I saw a glimpse of it make it’s escape through the bathroom” was it that simple? Did anyone else in the Hotel had been as perceptive as him, no they would’ve ask Charlie or Alastor about it.

“So? How long have you been lurking in the Hotel?” walking past you, he brought up the tea cup to his lips, making a grimace, “Drink it, you look either sick, or worse, anemic, you’re three tones paler than your daughter” he shrugged, apparently aware of his state.

“I believe I asked you a question” his eyes shifted colors, just like Charlie’s, “None of your beeswax” you couldn’t tell him even if you wanted to, “I’m your King” the little heavy step he did was hilarious, but laughing would’ve get you killed.

“So what?” he widened his eyes at your boldness, dismissing it entirely after a laugh, “Mm, how about you answer my question and then I might consider letting you go?” his boot was on the edge on the veil, one move and he would see you, “How about you stop being a bull on me and enjoy my cookin’?” he took a moment to actually see the cupcakes, a tender smile drawn on his face.

When he looked back at where you where, all he saw was the veil falling gracefully to the ground, likewise it dissolved into the air.

“I fucked up” your heart throbbed painfully in your ear; the rush was real.

Your room was underneath the Hotel, a system of catacombs led to different fates to those stupid enough to enter, only you and the princess knew of the correct way. The space wide consisted of black brick walls, a twin size bed placed on the corner, a wooden wardrobe, the rustic eighteen hundreds themed bathroom, and a set of seven iron candle holders screwed to the wall.

“Good afternoon Hell!” Alastor’s voice became present through the radio you kept on your night stand, “I’m in a jolly mood on this occasion, a well baked pastry would put a smile on anyone, even in the crankiest demon in hell” he laughed, then continued on topics from a simpler time, then the screams of his new victim.

You rested your tachycardia on your bed, focusing on your breathing and Alastor’s voice, to make your heart slow down to a normal pace.

“Thank you for listening, it was a pleasure to entertain you. Now, a small request from a friend in between the walls, I hope you enjoy this one, dear” he placed the dusted vinyl on the player, allowing it to roll one of your most liked songs, Cuban Moon by Carl Fenton’s Orchestra.

Slang, jazz, the demoness that haunted Alastor’s brain was definitely from his timeline, probably the same state he lived in. But what really itched his brain, was the axe. “It’s an unorthodox method to kill someone, the blade loses its edge quickly and it would require a brutal force to cut through bones…unless” he pondered over an open binder with pieces of old newspaper that fell with him, parts of the news were about him, but the front page was about someone else.

The next day, Lucifer walked fast down the stairs, grabbed Charlie by her shoulders and demanded, “Who is she? The demon living in the walls?”.

Your note for Lucifer read the following: "Someone who swore to love you through sickness and health, and still left, is not worth your tears."

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Baloney: same as nonsense or bullshit

None of your beeswax: Slang for 'none of your business'

Bull: Slang for police-man

Stay tuned ;3 Part 3

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brother-genitivi · 11 months

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genuine question, asking in good faith i promise: what do you like about cullen? i’ve been on the side of the fanbase that loathes him for quite some time & i am interested in hearing what ppl who enjoy him like in his character, i’ve always been conflicted on him n want to give him some more benefit of the doubt. basically i am giving u a free pass to lovemail him i am trying 2 expand my horizons

Hello anon! I hope you are doing well :) There's quite a few things I like about him! I will chuck this under a read more bc it got long I am very sorry 😭❤️

Cullen is flawed - he spent many years of his life traumatised, and anger was born from that trauma. His prejudice (and I'm not denying it is that, because it is dskdksks) towards mages in DA2 stems from fear. Later he acknowledges his treatment of them and how it was unjust of him to do so.

He says it himself in Inquisition that he wants nothing to do with his former life and who he was in that life. I just think it's really realistic and something I can relate to; his anger blinding him and his fear making him lash out. Cullen's reactions to being traumatised and wrong for how he has treated mages are two things that can coexist!

I love that he stood up for Hawke. You could argue that he disobeyed Meredith way too late, but there's also the fact that Cullen was what, 19 or 20 when he went to Kirkwall? He was so young when he was placed under her command. That he even defied her in the first place deserves commendation, imo. And the fact that he doesn't prevent Hawke from leaving Kirkwall at the end.

I find him very admirable. He's struggling with an addiction, commanding an entire army and dealing with the stress of Corypheus all at once. And he is so PRAGMATIC about everything. This is just a me thing but I adore pragmatism.

He's actually a sweetheart. Giving the Inquisitor his lucky coin, taking them to where he would go to relax in his childhood, checking up on them and making sure they're doing okay.

Cullen is awkward. I find it endearing and relatable, and perhaps a little sad - he's spent so long sworn to duty that he's forgotten how to relax and make non work related conversation. Come Inquisition, we see him learning how to do so again. Like the chess game!

I find his romance very wholesome. I like the 'boring' romances because they feel safe and comforting. He's kind and very respectful, and should you choose to marry him, he's very willing to do it by Dalish tradition. And should you choose not to want to marry him, that's great too!

He likes dogs. 'Nuff said.

Overall, I find him to be compelling and kind and thoughtful. He's selfless and drowns in self sacrifice. He absolutely adores the people he loves, he's a good dancer and I think he deserves all good things.

I probably have more to say but my brain is totally empty. Thanks for your ask! <3

#dragon age #cullen rutherford #asks #i also think a lot about the cut content of bi cullen #anyways. i love him <3 #sending u love anon

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bl00dw1tch · 1 year

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I think the reason theres such a Great Divide between how people feel about villains getting redemption arcs is the fact that 1.) Nobody knows what redemption means anymore (ie. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with forgiveness), and 2.) People on a large scale lack an understanding of... who these former-villains are made for.

Admittedly this is largely based on a personal theory i have, that They are made for and by people who feel like they've done bad things in the past, things they personally feel remorseful for but, because its the past, cant necessarily do anything about, even if they themselves have improved and grown as an individual. I say that bc i know thats why I value redemption arcs as much as i do.

Am i the same person who did those things anymore? No, not by a long shot. But not everyone would think so, and I'm aware of that by nature of just. Knowing how to imagine myself in other ppls shoes, and understanding that nobody can ever know anybody else's full story + that will never stop anyone from making judgements based on what they DO know.

There's ALWAYS someone out there who will hate you, think you are the literal scum of the earth, the devil incarnate. There are almost 8 billion people on this planet. This is a fact.

And ideally, in knowing this, we'd be able to brush it off and continue on, content in the fact that we can't control how other people feel and willing to improve ourselves despite that fact. However--humans care. By default. We are social creatures that want to feel liked and welcomed because once upon a time, being loathed by the other humans around you had the potential to mean death.

So we worry. Our actions and their repercussions haunt us and make us MISERABLE, and there is nothing we can do to change that fact.

Just as well--that misery? It helps no one. Absolutely fucking no one.

But it cannot simply be shrugged off by most people, as I established before. So, what exactly are we supposed to do? Obviously--we're supposed to work through those feelings. And lo and behold, story crafting is a FANTASTIC way of doing just that! You can be as literal or as figurative as you want, whatever helps YOU, as a writer, breathe easier, and move forward with the energy and confidence to be a better person than you were before tackling those complex, painful, scary feelings.

Redemption arcs are self soothing wish fulfillment--and i mean this in an entirely positive way. We need to be able to believe that we can change FIRST, in order to change at all. If every story we see kills off every single bad person they portray--how does that affect us, subconsciously? What sort of underlying bias does it instill? The idea that once a person does something awful, that theres no turning back? No coming back EVER? Maybe. Who knows! I think that's fucking depressing, close minded, and detrimental to everyone exposed to it.

All I know is that when i was in a short phase of absolutely loathing redemption arcs along with everyone else, I was in a stage of my life where i hated myself to the point of self harm. Because i believed i was genuinely fucking evil for all the things id said and done as an ignorant child, and that there was no way back, and that i NEEDED to suffer to 'repent'. And i did not grow up in a highly Christian household--so Where exactly did that mindset come from, hmm? Sounds a little familiar, don't it.

... The point im trying to get at here, is this;

Redemption arcs are not made for victims.

They are made for perpetrators.

They are made by an author, to show other "bad people" in the world that, "hey. you are not set in stone. You are alive and you have free will and you can make different choices. Here is how, and here is why."

Now--i know what youre about to say. "But jack most redemption arcs suck and dont actually say any of those things!!! They just let the villain get off scott free with a happily ever after without doing any of the hard work on screen of Actually changing!" To which, i have a few things to ask you about.

1.) Was that ACTUALLY an attempted redemption arc? Or did the villain just happen to survive the climax of the story, and was momentarily shown to have had a change of heart, finally?

.... iiiiiiiiiiimplying that they are going to START their work towards redemption.... post-canon?

2.) So what? Sometimes stories and the tropes within them aren't written well. A shitty redemption is not different from a shitty romance or a shitty hero's journey. Not everyone is Shakespeare, and not everything has to be made to your standards. If you don't like it, you don't have to look at it. That doesn't mean you should write off the entire Concept as inherently bad.

And 3.) I will also challenge you to consider just how personal your reading of a character's redemption arc is. Like I'm saying--redeemed villains are not made for victims. They are made to address and dig into the meat of just how awful someone of human intelligence can be, and try to wrangle an idea of HOW that person can come out of it somehow, healthier, happier, and kinder.

They have to address sensitive topics, more often than not. Like it is literally required--if the villain never does anything BAD, theres no story. Theres nothing for them to pursue redemption ABOUT. And those sensitive topics can bring out the ire of people who have been through them--obviously! And that is not the fault of the viewer! You have every right to feel how you feel, and hate a villain as much as you want for it--but try to REMEMBER that that is where your feelings of distaste are coming from, when attempting to criticize the thing you are watching--especially if youre going to be especially vitriolic about it in the faces of people who enjoy that villain, and their redemption arc.

You have every right to not like it--but take a moment to analyze WHY before claiming it's "bad".

It probably just wasn't written for you.

We live in a world that already encourages so much cruelty--but, people can heal and feel motivated to do better by watching redemption arcs play out for characters that they see themselves in.

Even if you think it's shallow--does it actually MATTER if it is or not? I don't think so. I don't give a fuck what's going on in someones head--as long as they are treating the people and world around them with kindness and respect, I think that's all that should matter. Actions speak louder than words and all that. People are allowed to want to be better because it feels good. People NEED to be allowed to want to feel good, if it means shirking harmful habits and mentalities. Do you get what im saying?

Obviously there's plenty of nuance to these situations--in regards to fictional characters, there is inherently more give in what a character can do. They are not real. Nobody is actually getting hurt. So, pushing them to the FARTHEST LIMITS of how bad a person can be, and coming back? It's like a power fantasy, with a self reflective twist. And power fantasies are not inherently bad, either.

How heartwarming is it, to imagine that even that terrible tyrant who slaughtered innocents and razed cities can feel remorse? For them to give everything they have to help rebuild what they destroyed, and show compassion for the people they've hurt, and vowing to never let it happen again?

Because if even that terrible man on the screen can change--then of course I can change, too. Of course I, a person who's merely made a few callous comments and emotional scarred an ex by being a toxic asshole, can be better. I HAVE to be. It is an obligation.

An obligation that I may have otherwise seen as an insurmountable obstacle. Because I did. Thats what I saw it is as. I had been convinced that every bad thing I did, made me who I was. That everyone could just see it on my face--and that if they didn't, all they'd need to do was look a little bit closer before being repulsed by what they saw. It made me bitter and mean and I had so few friends I felt like I could actually be open with. I am still dealing with the repercussions of that mentality today--it is the source of quite literally All Of My Woes.

You've all seen my vent posts. All that shit? Consequences of this. This is why my lows go as low as they do--and This is why I am SO passionate about my villainous blorbos. This is why I love redemption arcs. They remind me that there is still hope for me--that there is still hope for everyone. You might enjoy living as a pessimist--but not everyone has the fortitude to maintain that attitude on a healthy level.

So when you see someone who is enjoying a villian you hate, and its making silly content of them being redeemed and goofing off and being happy and alive and loved--have a little compassion. That person its probably dealing with some shit, too. So just let it be.

#horse.txt #rant //#sort of #not sparked by anything in particular its just been on my mind lately n i woke up feeling like puttin it down

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beelstoecrust · 3 years

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Reading you based on your obey me Kin

i will be ruthless and im not holdin back!! ok now say it with me😈

Lucifer

I kin Lucifer and I have a hard time reaching out to my friends for help even when i know i need it. I don't want people to get worried about me so i mask my issues and help everyone with thier issues, completely disregarding my own needs for a break. in the end i feel alone because regardless of saying im ok, i want someone to truly sit with me and ask me if im ok, but i fear that moment because im not used to dealing with my own issues

Mammon

I kin Mammon and i just want to feel seen and loved. sometimes i do stupid/dumb things to get the seratonin that comes from making people laugh. i feel like no one ever listens to me and it makes me feel insignificant and like the last one to get picked. i truly want to be myself and fear that if im not the odds one out by doing little dumb things people will think im essentially worthless and most likely think im borning. I have a hard time talking about my feelings and want to so desperately, that if i do i won't know what to say or where to start due to the many emotions i've bottled up throughout my life

Levi

I kin Leviathan and i have very bad anxiety. i have a difficult time making friends and part of that reason is bc im scared they already hate me or want nothing to do with me. I know my interests are different from what is considered the norm but i so desperately want to talk and ramble about said interest for hours to someone who will at the very least listen. I get bashed about the things i like by my family and although i dont show it, this hurts me deeply. I lock myself in my room and indulge myself in my favorite things bc each character makes me wish i had certain aspects of them and makes me wish i lived an interesting life but bc of my anxiety it's extremely hard for me to do so. Im also used to being the last one picked and often assume i will always be the last one picked no matter how many times im reassured and deep down i want someone to relish in my own interests with me and truly love and care for me

Satan

I kin Satan and i have a horrible realtionship with my father. I Loathe my father and the tension arises every time we a near one another. A part of me feels terrible that i loathe my father because i know he has his own mind and emotions and i want to forgive him for what he's done but in the end I know it's fruitless to forgive him bc he has put me through alot of pain and hurt. i wish things couldve been different and we couldve had a normal bond. I also hide my emotions very well and am ashamed of ever feeling angry bc it makes me feel like i am horrible person. im also not used to affection and have only ever seeked or felt genuine affection from my pets. I also fear as if i have no personality and that im boring.

Asmodeus

I kin Asmo and i feel like i need to act confident around others in order for them to like me because im too scared to show people my insecurities because i fear they will never view me the same again and leave me in disgust. I want everyone to like me and I also can't handle when someone doesn't want to be my friend or doesn't like me bc i feel if there's something wrong with me. the need to act confident and cute all the time makes me oblivious to the fact that my insecurities shine through at times and make me even more oblivious to the fact people like me for who i am, insecurities and all

Beelzebub

I kin Beel and i have some form of sepreation anxiety towards my favorite person. i often get a sudden fear that something bad will happen to my fav person even though everything is ok. I get made fun of or scolded by my eating habbits and it makes me feel absolutely terrible because i'm trying. i also care very deeply for my family/friends and will do anything for them. i place unnecessarily guilt onto myself and perfer to do so, so that no one else has to bear the burden.

Belphegor

I kin Belphie and i act as if nothing matters but i secretly am very worried and care alot about my friends/family. I also stay up very late because i feel like i have no control over my life during the day and for some reason i feel like staying up late gives me some kind of control. I also hide my emotions with a sarcastic tone and usually think about the the mistakes ive made in my past while i cry in bed. i dont ask others for help emotionally and i want someone to care and listen to me as well as to relish in a calm peaceful life.

/Undatables/

Diavolo

I kin Diavolo and i fear that telling ppl i care about them isn't enough to get the message across so i constantly gift people things in hopes to show them i care. i also fear gifting things too much drives people away from me, i also dont get included much with friends and feel as if i have done something wrong. i also feel very upset when a fun time is over because the feeling of happiness goes with that moment, so i constantly throw little parties and whatnot to relish in the joy but feel upset once it's over. i can also read people well and get put on edge or very cautious when i cannot read someone

Barbatos

I kin barbatos and i constantly take care of others never once letting myself take a break. I hide my emotions behind a smile in order to not worry others and because i dont want dont ppls sense of depency on me to be ruined. i rarely let myself take breaks bc i fear that i wont be there for the person i care about when they need me.

Solomon

I kin solomon and i usually supress my emotions to hide the fact im not very used to being shown affection and that im not as confident as i seem. I also am a very private person but the fact im so secretive makes me disliked by some bc they think i dislike them. i also wish my friends would include me in more events with them and when they dont i bury myself in an activity to hide the fact im upset about it

Simeon

I kin simeon and i want to know and make sure they everyone is ok. i know just how to push and pull people's buttons but i wont abuse this because i care about those people. i'm also very hard to read and perfer to give people advise rather than answers to their problems. The constant taking care of others makes me forget that i also need time to just myself. It takes alot and i mean alot to anger me but once it happens it's not very pretty.

Luke

I kin luke and I want to take care of everyone and often forget to take care of myself. People often dont take me seriously and so i often i find myself baking as a coping mechisim bc it makes me feel in control of little things. I also have a hard time admitting that i care about others and i'll unknowingly show my affection that i do care about them by giving them little gifts and advice. im also very oblivious to certain topics and are i get mad when i get left in the dark about certain topics.

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lostmystyx · 3 years

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Pls enlighten me with ur kankri Hot Takes I don't know alot about the dancestors 🙏🙏🙏

buddy i know EVERYTHING about the dancestors. everything. and im wrong about nothing. i have read meenahbound at least ten times and that is an underestimate and not a joke. i have read every single fucking word kankris ever spoken, even the tiny shit, multiple fucking times, because my dedication to my craft is nothing if not thorough and torturous. ive read every goddamn character analysis there is on kankri, ive seen all the posts, ive read all the fics (not rlly i love myself), and i can tell you for a fact that everything everyone tells you about him is fuckint wrong. i started studying his character because i was mad abt how ooc ppl made him and i just got madder. i learned how to write him. i perfected it. and i havent done it in years because i hate him and his fans so fucking much. the world is not READY for my kankri takes. they do not DESERVE them.

but i love it when ppl ask me things, so for you, anon, i will take the time to divulge some of my secrets. first off, kankri is a bonafide grade a fucking asshole, hes ableist and sexist and abt every -ist under the sun, and he hides biting remarks under layers of political correctness and ranting so that by the time he insults you youre too zoned out to notice. that said, hes also not an outright asshole, hes not blunt with his meanness, hes not straight up about it, and people who just make him an uncaring dick are ALSO wrong. its an extremely thin line to walk and everyone is falling off like a toddler on a tightrope. he cares, deeply, but hes also fed up with everyone around him (and for good reason, because all of the other dancestors are ALSO massive assholes). he cares about being pc more than he cares about the actual issues hes "fighting for," he makes some good points, and he also makes a lot of bad ones. sometimes hes right, and sometimes hes just so caught up in what i believe boils down to a form of self-loathing via extreme policing of himself and others that he says and does the stupidest things known to man that make me want to cut my own dick off and staple it to my forehead so he can call me a whore and a transphobe.

second, hes capable of not ranting. like, he can carry a normal conversation where he talks a normal amount. it happens. inevitably someone will say something that gets him going, but you know. not every sentence has to be an essay.

third, oh my fucking god if one more person writes some fucking shit where hes "cured" of being celibate i am going to print out and laminate cards that say "youre an aphobe" to pass out to the masses. kankri isnt aroace, hes clearly in love with latula and just has self-imposed celibacy on himself possibly bc he thinks its gonna keep him from mucking up his quads, but even though hes not, and even if he was, the way people handle his celibacy is disgusting and offensive. if you dont want to write him celibate just dont make him celibate and pretend that never happened. otherwise it plays into the "ace ppl just havent found the right dick yet" thing, which iS RLLY OFFENSIVE. this is like. one of my number one kankri pet peeves. ill kill someone over this. the sexually repressed kankri hc i constantly see sucks and is objectively wrong anf im going to rip the head off of the next person i see doing it like a rabid fucking dog.

im going to make this my last note on this, bc i already have a headache just thinking about kankri, but the way ppl characterize his interpersonal relationships is bad. its bad. his relationship with latula is a mirror of karkats with terezi, nothing more, nothing less. his relationship with porrim is fucking bad and unhealthy. porrim babies and infantilizes him and regularly crosses his boundaries, and i t hink (?? dont quote me on this one its been a minute) the only time he rlly gets angry and blows up at someone is bc porrims does something he didnt consent to. at the same time, hes rlly rude to porrim and says loads of bigoted shit to her and treats her like shit. hes super ableist towards mituna, thinks hes an idiot, and treats him like shit. he doesnt really have a good relationship with anyone, because everyone hates him and he hates everyone and all of the dancestors are lions in a cage without enrichment, pacing back and forth and wondering how much longer they can stand each other before one of them snaps and kills the rest (oh wait! damara and meenah kind of did already! and kurloz is actively plotting a second death!)

anyway yeah. this is less of hot takes and more of a list of my pet peeves but yeah. i hate kankri, actually, i think hes the fucking worst, and i obsessively know everything about him out of spite.

disclaimer tho: i like all homestuck charas as charas like its cool its neat theyre cool n i hate kankri like you hate a villain but also i hate the fandoms idea of kankri and i hate kankri fans and if youre going to comment on this post defending ur hcs dont

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1800-lover · 3 years

Text

𝗞𝗜𝗠 𝗧𝗔𝗘𝗛𝗬𝗨𝗡𝗚

‣ angst, manipulative ppl, gn reader.

❝ 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗿𝘆, 𝗰𝗿𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗲 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗜 𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗱, 𝗰𝗿𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗲 ❞

I am a mess. I don't know how, but when I met you, I became a mess. No explanations, no meanings, no nothing.

A smile is all it takes. I forget all the bad things you said and did to me with just a smile from your pretty lips. I...I don't know how.

'If you really love me, you'd do what I'm asking.' was what he said when I was first hesitant about sex.

I was a virgin. He was my first time and I thought I was his first. He told me,

'Dont you trust me?' and I was a bit taken a back but nonetheless, I trusted him with all my heart.

I didn't care about those words thinking it was harmless, but when I told my friend about it, he started saying how unbelievable, uncivil, and what a jerk kim taehyung is.

He told me that the three of us should have dinner together. To test that his theory is right (that he's a jerk, bastard, and a manipulative piece of shit.). Then, he'd tell you to break up with him.

And so you did. you were waiting with jeon jungkook, your friend, at the restaurant. He was already 30 minutes late, jungkook getting annoyed, but nonetheless stayed clam so he wouldn't hurt you.

"I swear to god if he don't arrive here within 5, we are leaving." jungkook puffed, getting more annoyed.

"Ah come on, I'm sure it's just traffic!" you nervously chuckled.

"Traffic?! This is a trip near the company! I bet he's somewhere cheating!" jungkook huffed.

"Come on! Have a little trust!"

He replied with a 'tch' and ate his free garlic bread.

Speaking of the devil, kim taehyung finally arrived. He walked towards the table, wearing his black suit that was hugging his perfect body. You stood up to greet him

"Hi, babe." he kissed you on the cheek like he always did, and sat on his chair.

"Hi tae! What caused your delay?" you asked with a smile and held his hand.

He removed it, just as you thought. Jungkook saw it and planted deadly stares towards taehyung.

"I met up with a client baby." he chuckled as he saw you buying that excuse.

"So," he dragged his eyes onto jungkook. "are you the famous jungkook he always talks about?"

Taehyung smelled...different. Well, he always smelled different. Different perfumes every single day. You knew something was wrong. You were too inlove with him that you were seeing him as a saint, where in fact, he was the devil.

His watch were tainted with red lipstick, you assume. A hickey on his lower neck, even if he always tells you 'no toucking', 'baby, I can't afford someone thinking I have a lover.' It's just funny that this relationship was a secret. I thought being lovers with someone means being proud or such.

"Obviously, Sherlock." jungkook rolled his eyes and laughed when he saw taehyung's hickey.

"Is that a...hickey?" jungkook pointed on taehyung's neck.

"H-Hickey?" you stuttered, eyes wide open.

"Ah, I didn't notice that must be a-"

"A slut, no?"

"As I was saying, that must be an insect bite." he faked a smile.

'He doesn't think I'm mas fucking dumb does he?'

You knew. Oh you knew so well.

You sighed. "Let's...Let's just order."

After the meal, you just called it a day and went home.

Opening the front door of your shared apartment, you heard the noise that you were so scared of.

Mustering all your courage, you entered your room. There stood a naked Kim Taehyung with a naked woman.

"Taehyung," you said with no emotion. "You're not gay, arent you?"

His eyes widened and couldn't think of anything. He thought you were out shopping or whatever gays do! There were no escape for him.

"Babe! It's not whay you think it is. I-I promise!" he lied. He always did.

You laughed. And cried. Tears were streaming down like waterfall. They couldn't stop. Pain. All you could feel is pain. You knew what he was doing, so shouldn't you be prepared?

"Fuck, Fuck! Leave right now, Gayoung!" he started messing his hair up and that girl hurried and left.

You stood there feeling stupid.

"Are you going to give me an explanation? If not, just fucking tell me! So I wouldn't look foolish here thinking that you're gonna say you don't want me to fucking leave!"

"I love you. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

You laughed. "Do you really think that has an effect anymore? I already know those were empty words!"

"Well who would've thought! Maybe if you used your body for good, then I wouldn't be looking for someone to relieve myself!"

Taehyung felt a sting in his cheek. You slapped him.

"Say that again. I fucking dare you."

Goosebumps. All he felt was goosebumps when your emotionless eyes met with him. 'I broke him...'

More tears were streaming down. You sobbed. "I shouldn't have begged you to love me."

"Baby, I-" he tried to hug you or touch you but you have him no chance.

"Don't fucking touch me! You loathed my body, remember?!"

"No...no! Please, I can't lose you!" tears were already in his eyes. What a sight.

"You already did." you smiled.

#kento.💫#angst #kim taehyung #bts #v #taehyung #jungkook #btsangst #bts x reader #gender neutral #dark #ff #wattpad #cheating #manipulative #manipulation

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janiedean · 3 years

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Why do you think Jaime puts Rhaegar on a pedestal and thinks so highly of him when we can see he's not that great? To be fair, if Jaime loves someone, he always puts them on a pedestal.

I mean with the premise that most ppl in those books do it with r. and I'd say that it's a combination of the guy being like... generally nice/known for being gentle and gallant and stuff and because the entire thing with lyanna had the whole LOVE STORY angle going on plus compare him to his father people go like OH BUT WHAT IF HE HAD SUCCEEDED HIM HE LOOKED SO PROMISING, like it's... the whole mixture of myth + dying young and beautiful + the whole mysterious prince aura thing + the fact that outwardly probably everyone thought he was a swell dude except for robert and honestly i think he was well-intentioned but didn't use his brain, but anyway when it comes specifically to jaime and idolizing people:

I mean... he grew up doing that with c. and I already went through all the reasons why that's unhealthy but basically if you grow up with your sense of self being completely off/not existing/idolizing someone you think is your other half you will... tend to do that for anyone you like because you have no idea of your own worth

I mean he has literally no idea of his own worth at the age he's at esp since he still hasn't realized he's a better knight than most around anyway

jaime is also.... I mean, middle ages courtly-literature coded and putting people on a pedestal is the main point of courtly love and like he's deconstructing that trope bc he has to realize that idealizing ppl is not good but he's getting there

but like the thing is that jaime is also written as someone who basically likes... I mean the things I do for love? he keeps on doing them for people he loves all his life without getting much of it back if at all and not realizing he's own person and internalizing other ppl's hatred of him to the point that he pretends he embraced it when in truth he loathes it, but that means that the moment someone he thinks is a good/better person than him shows up then he immediately goes like PEDESTAL!!!!!!! CAN DO NO WRONG!!!!, which... then doesn't really serve him well when he realizes that it's not the case and I mean the entire disconnect between the fact that when he dreams about rhaegar + the rest of the kg they're asses to him and accuse him of shit that doesn't even exist and he dreams that brienne takes them out putting herself in between the two of them while when he's awake he's like OH THEY WERE SUCH GREAT DUDES but then he thinks back abt them treating him like shit and resents them.... I mean at some point he's gonna get there but again it doesn't really serve him well and that's also why his char evolution is going in the way where he stops doing that

(I would also argue that the difference in between brienne and everyone else is that he didn't exactly pedestal her in the beginning which means she got under his skin all of her own and proved she's worth the time investment and the contrary is valid except that instead of pedestal-ing ppl she has trust issues but that's why that rship is different)

tldr: because he has trauma and if you don't know your own worth everyone else will always seem better to you than they actually are the moment they do something you consider good/they appear to be better people/everyone treats them as such, or that's my two cents XD

#anonymous #ask post #ch: jaime lannister #janie writes meta #jaime x brienne for ts #only slightly less toxic than chernobyl's ruins #anti-cersei lannister #anti-cersei #anti-lannincest #anti-jaime x cersei #abuse cw

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thegoodomensdumpster · 4 years

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''I’m pretty tired of the angsty self-loathing Crowley portrayals'' omg preach, idk where ppl get that characterization of crowley. I mean, to each their own, you can hc whatever you want and that's fine! It's just that I can't see any self-loathing too-damned-to-be-worthy crowley in the book/show, but that's just me xD

Nah, me neither. It’s probably more obvious if you’ve read the book than if you’ve only seen the show I suppose, but to me it’s obvious that Crowley’s anxiety / trauma / depression (pick your fighter) is caused by surrounding events out of his control rather than by his inner turmoils. Being bound to Hell ( which is actually not that bad for him ), and seeing the humans constantly doing fucked up shit are what make him desperate.It’s tough to have to suppress a huge part of his identity (the kind one), but he isn’t only just kind, and he takes pride and enjoyment in crafting temptations that rely on humans using their free will. He can have the occasional ethical problem, but mostly he is extremely stressed out that he has to be productive enough to Hell’s liking, that he has to hide his relationship with Aziraphale (and in the book that part seems to be rather easy). Crowley enjoys mischief, enjoy tempting humans because in his eyes it isn’t unethical. But he doesn’t have the right to embrace fully when he wants to do good things until his ties are cut with Hell. To me, Crowley is pretty at peace with who he is deep down. His troubles come from the fact that he actually has to hide it. Crowley is multi faceted. Sometimes he does nice things, sometimes he doesn’t. He has his own morality, but acts mostly out of self preservation and his actions doesn’t necessarily align with his moral compass. ( I said “mostly”, not “all the time”, and it’s important that at the end of the story Aziraphale is the one putting him into tracks to act in a last desperate attempt to save the world. Crowley knows it’s the right thing to do. His first reflex was to flee to have a slight chance of survival. But then he came back, ready to fight Satan, tire iron in hand / giving support to the antichrist. )Now with that being said, I do enjoy it on occasion when people explore the dark places Crowley’s mind can wander to and I’ve done so myself as well. But it really isn’t the core of his character ( he is depressed BUT he is an optimist! ) and I feel tired only because it seems to me the angsty stuff is a bit overwhelming in its quantity of fanarts and fanfics compared to ... what must be 70% of fun caracteristics in Crowley’s personnality that also deserve to be explored. It’s extraordinarily interesting to have a demon with no real ethical issue with his job who also loves humanity for all its positive aspects, and have those two parts of his psychology not being contradictory. Also Crowley is a big nerd and that should really be the main aspect of his personnality at all times. And that part ain’t angsty at all lol( I’m pretty sure the show is mostly at blame as to why we have so many angsty portrayal, because of the scene where he interrogates God that can indeed lead to a multitude of questionnements and interpretations, and because of the wall slam scene and his reaction to being called “nice”. I like his reaction in the book much better, he’s like “yes, I know I’m nice, but I’m not supposed to, so please don’t say it out loud ?” and sighing.)

#he is a flash bastard after all #yiha blogs #good omens #meta #my stuff #long post #Anonymous #ask

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buckyodinson · 4 years

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Pedro boys (or who ever your most comfy writing for) reactions to trying to woo a girl not easily impressed/doesn't trust dudes easily??? I feel like a lot of ppl get this vibe sometimes or maybe its just me, love your blog btw keep being ah-mazing! 💖💖💖

Hi!!! Thank you for requesting, I had fun with these - sorry they took a while! :)

Din would bring little things back to the ship for you while you looked after the Child. He would make mental notes of things you mentioned that you missed about home or things you craved, and if he ever saw them on his travels, he would buy them for you. Din is very awkward about dealing with his feelings, and it doesn’t help that you don’t seem interested at all. He carries on regardless even if you don’t feel the same back, living for the little smiles that light up your face when you see what he’s brought back. But he comes back from a bounty one day and you don’t hear him, and he’s about to climb the ladder to the cockpit, when he hears you up there with the Child, telling it that you think you love Din but you’re worried. His heart hammers underneath the beskar and before he knows it, he’s climbing the ladder to reach you, confessing his feelings once you turn around in shock at his sudden appearance. You admit your worries but that you can see what a softy he is under the armour, and he hugs you tightly, with the child pressed between your bodies. He speaks quiety through the modulator that he’ll prove to you he is worthy of your love (in your mind, though, you know he already is).

Whiskey is a charmer. But once he realised his flirting was getting him nowhere with you, he toned it down, and tried to just be friendly with you. You were much more receptive to that, and he enjoyed your little passing talks in the corridors of the distillery, or when you’d just sit and have lunch together. You didn’t really trust Whiskey at first, seeing the way he flirted with just about any woman he laid his eyes on. But you definitely opened up to him as time went on, and the pair of you grew closer. He’d remember the little things about you that you told him in passing, and he would try to bring them up as naturally as possible in future conversations to prove he really does listen intently to everything you say. After a while, you started to develop feelings for him, and you were glad you were initially resistant to his flirting, because it allowed you to really get to know him first and fall in love with him for himself, instead of the flirty persona he seems to have turned on all the time.

Javier was notorious around the DEA for his sexual exploits. The other agents constantly teased him about how he got his information, and whether he had to pay for it this time. When you learnt that he often frequented to local brothels and fucked the girls there for information, it put you off Javier (which was a shame, because he was so attractive). But you knew you wanted no part in joining the long list of women he’d taken to bed, so when Javier took an interest in you, you made an effort to seem like you had no interest in return. But you did start to notice that Javi wasn’t getting as much intel as usual, and the other guys would still ask and tease him about the various brothels in town, but he didn’t have his usual banter with them. Steve was pretty tired of watching Javi pine over you (which you were seemingly oblivious to), that he pulled you aside one day and told you Javi had feelings for you. You snorted rolled your eyes, “Nice one, Murphy.” you spoke as you tried to walk away, but he grabbed your wrist and told you to really pay attention to Javi. You narrowed your eyes at him, but did as he said, and noticed over the next few days that Javi was different. He seemed a little sadder, and he had no new information either. You confronted him one night after he left the office, and he confessed to you. You were still wary about his tendencies, but you agreed you were willing to give it a go.

Pope introduced you and Catfish and you really fell for him (and vice versa).You were a bit wary, knowing a little about his past. You knew they were both in the army, and that didn’t bother you, but Pope had told you about that fateful ‘mission’, and you saw him in a little different light after all that had transpired, but you knew they must have been desperate to do what they did. But Pope was still a close friend of yours and after you were introduced to Catfish, you hung out with the pair of them a fair bit, and you really enjoyed Frankie’s company, and you were slowly coming to terms with the fact that he wasn’t the man he used to be, and he was actually a real sweetheart. When Frankie noticed that you kinda shut off from him a bit when you all hung out, he assumed you didn’t like him and was only appeasing Pope. He quickly dipped into his self-loathing tendencies. One night, you had fallen asleep on Pope’s sofa, and you stirred and went to grab some water from the kitchen when you overheard Frankie telling Pope how he was stupid to think you could love someone like him, after everything he’d done. You knocked softly on the door, alerting them both to you presence, and Frankie’s face dropped, but you simply walked over and wrapped your arms around him.

Ezra and his partner came across you on the green moon, and offered for you to join them prospecting for a three-way split of everything you make. You were fairly new to the profession, and you leaped at the opportunity, hoping you’d make a little more money than you expected. However, you were wary of Ezra and his silent partner. After a tense stand-off with other prospectors, Ezra’s partner was killed, and it became just the two of you. He flirted with you a lot (at least you think it was flirting, you didn’t really understand half he stuff he said to you), but you still didn’t trust him very much, wondering if any day now he’d kill you and take everything for himself. You couldn’t deny the nagging feeling burrowing it’s way into your chest when he spoke, or so much as looked at you, however. The night he lost his arm, you did your best to help relieve the pain, and he was lying in his cot, pretty delirious after the medication you had given him. He stared at you while you were putting the gems from the day away. You asked him if he was okay, and he smiled in response, telling you that if he died because of his injury, he’d be glad you were the last thing he sees, before promptly passing out. You blushed and told yourself you would ask him about that when he woke up the next morning.

Oberyn seemed like quite the gentleman to you, but you weren’t so sure about his sexual exploits. You couldn’t deny the attraction you held towards him, but the many lovers he had, and the constant orgies that could be heard from all corners of the Sunspear did put you off slightly. He tried to charm you a lot, complimenting you any time he saw you around the castle, often asking if you’d like to join him and Ellaria. You would deny his offer and scurry off quickly. He will admit, he was confused by you, most people were gracious to accept the invite to his chamber. It made you all that more interesting, and he wanted you even more. He would never overstep your boundaries, though. He respected you too much. But he would have things sent to you - flowers, fruits, poems he’d written. Eventually, Ellaria came upon you in the gardens. She asked you whether you liked the prince or not, and you replied truthfully, telling her you certainly found him attractive, but that you were worried he would fuck you and then never want to see you again. Ellaria told you that Oberyn had not stopped speaking of you in weeks, wondering what he had done to offend you, and hoping he had not upset you in any way. You smiled at that, and she walked you to Oberyn’s chambers, where he enveloped you in an embrace.

Maxwell takes it like a challenge. Most of the women he hires in his company seem to throw themselves at his feet (most likely due to his money), but not you. You keep to yourself, and you do a pretty damn good job of your work. But if he ever offers to take you out for lunch or for a drink, you kindly decline his offer. He doesn’t give up though. He admires that you hold your place, and don’t just give in to him for the sake of it. Eventually though, he starts to just buy you food and bring it to you, sometimes sitting opposite your desk and eating with you. He spends more time getting to know you, and you open up a little more as time goes on. He figures out you probably didn’t trust him very much, so he tries to be a little vulnerable around you, telling you personal things and testing boundaries. Eventually, you agree to a drink with him, and you admit that you were worried about his advances. You figured it would be a bad idea to get involved with your boss, especially if it was just a sexual thing, for fear of the judgement from others, but when you realised he was genuinely trying to get to know you and get closer with you, you realised you quite liked Maxwell too. And it took off from there.

#headcanons #pedro pascal x reader #mandalorian x reader #din djarin x reader #agent whiskey x reader #jack daniels x reader #javier peña x reader #javier pena x reader #catfish morales x reader #catfish x reader #frankie morales x reader #francisco morales x reader #ezra prospect x reader #ezra x reader #oberyn martell x reader #oberyn x reader #max lord x reader #maxwell lord x reader

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unproduciblesmackdown · 3 years

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returning the favor: do you have any hcs re: winston, past or present, that you haven't expounded upon before or at length or just feel like talking about again. whatever you like

Thank You.......yeah idk really what hc's i've like "officially" described here that often lol, but then also there's that whole complication where i don't really ever come up with ideas & when asked anything i'm probably going [???] like, classics like "what do you like out of [broad parameter]" & it's like damn....i dunno. what ideas do i have about winsotn who i've thought about every day for > 2 yrs??? that's tough.....& Then the further chaos of like, when i do have hc's or w/e it's less discrete, concrete invented ideas & more towards the end of the spectrum that's like "well i kinda interpret this part of canon vaguely this way" &/or "i have This vague notion that i haven't solidified into a pretend fact or that i'm not at all committed to or take that seriously" where it's like, not only is this not really nailed down but it's basically free floating / i might have other ideas that would contradict each other lol. seems like a more concise list of Stats that are fully/exclusively my ideas is more exciting, but instead i can offer vague "i dunno / what ifs" based on vibes that i verbosely describe lmao, plus i'll forget a bunch of ideas i may have had i'm sure but you know. what else have i ever offered; never really trying to sell this material to otherwise uninterested parties or only make posts that guaranteed more than one person might enjoy, why would i be starting now; and ig if i write a bunch of stuff here & go "oh & i forgot like a half dozen obvious things" i can add on to it if it's a big deal.....plus it's always tricky with billions in particular being vague abt its own characters lmao, we only see [outside of work] personal stuff if it's going to become directly tied to [definitely at work] professional plotlines, or Maybe glimpse some character contextualizing things for the more central characters....side characters have more blanks to fill but also that means. just more that's blank lol & kinda a mystery of Up To Interpretation.....i figured one way to have any structure for this at all is to have a part looking at each winston involving episode's info. well anyways, after this meandering intro that kind of illustrates how i'm sure the rest of things will go here lol, i'm just gonna throw a bunch of stuff down in general. thanks again for the prompt to do so, b/c why not

really the one concrete discrete idea i have which isn't in the canon text is, of course: he is autistic

does he Know? idk. either way, think he's pretty aware of how he operates (& how he Can't operate), but if he doesn't know that's probably more for the "also: he's self loathing, which was basically textually implied" stuff lol. just mentioned it but i do always enjoy the tayston idea that taylor's talking abt in the past having it floated by a therapist/s or whomever that they could be autistic, them considering it but it not applying; winston going "hmm" & doing his own considering & researching & then maybe exclusively sharing the news w/taylor....but of course, maybe he's figured it out himself at some point before. i do think he'd figure it out himself though rather than anyone else directly suggesting it (maybe out here being diagnosed with "just the guy who sucks who we don't like / won't act right or normal" sort of usual experience) & i think, if he knows, he's not about to want ppl at work to know, b/c not as though anyone (but taylor & other quants) particularly seems to be impressed by his quanting proficiency, but he sure gets some validation/affirmation through that route (more re: that of course) and knows that ppl going "oh he's autistic so of course he's better at Doing Math / computer stuff as a like, mechanical efficiency sort of thing" or whatever. and the fact that taylor can interact with him / gives him some leeway to generally do his thing means he's kind of already got space to operate how he operates, see the start of this section....and idk. transitioning into the next section ig

just an Interpretation Of Canon thing here but, re: how these characters generally operate & what their reason is for being around doing stuff in the first place, i guess it's that winston does genuinely like to do & is interested in the math/coding stuff involved here, was also genuinely interested in working for taylor specifically (whatever The Hype specifically was), then you have taylor having the "despite your demeanor, your skills are superior" stance & appreciating what he can do & letting him do it by hiring him for real & all, & here we are, Q is for Quantitative, baby......he must find it rewarding enough to be getting to do this quanting stuff and also, the potential for validation when anyone recognizes he's good at it & by extension finds something about him good & wants him around to any degree

okay just that Episode By Episode stuff for a section here

3x03:

kinda extra room for interpretation b/c this was written as a one off character and reintroducing him in 3x09, written to be recurring, feels like it kinda offers a Soft Reboot for what we got here, where i guess how i take things is that we can suppose in both 3x03 & 3x09 winston's putting on a deliberate Performance to some degree based on what he thinks the potential employer wants to see, but it's also not completely fake / inaccurate either time, & like, maybe the 3x03 vibe wasn't a type of performance he'd only just ever put on for this axe cap interview, & even if it was deliberately bold maybe he was sort of thinking he Could bank on his value as a quant meaning he holds most of the cards (or can get away with acting like it)

building on that & as a More General point of interpretation again: think it's easy to suppose winston could've had an existence w/many elements of frustrations & disappointments & Rejection, but where like, he did figure out these areas of interest & proficiency that seemed to be a more positive force in his life, & leaned into them / focused on them further for it, & i could see him focusing on milestones / graduating from one thing to the next & conceptualizing like, well, if i just get to This point by working on This thing then i'll have it together & be able to move through existence more successfully, like, there's winston going into undergrad & kind of disappointed he's not having that good a time socially / feels like he's missing out / being left out still, but he can be like, well that's fine (: i'm totally fine abt it b/c i'm focusing on the Education & Experience here & when i'm entering the job market as an amazing quant anyone would want to hire then ppl will be seeing me in a positive light & things will fall into place / go great for me / i'll feel like i fit in & am doing things right within some structure. & i think maybe he Did have all those other job offers / opportunities & he was at least partly feeling a bit "objectively" confident, & also maybe just hoping he Could be that confident & that, you know, if he goes ahead & acts like that's the case, it could be confirmed / become true....anyways then obviously disillusionment time

since his outfits are introduced here: more "just how i'm interpreting canon" stuff in that i do just suppose he is mostly focusing on comfort & it'd kinda get in the way of things if he couldn't. flipflops might've been a statement piece but also i figure at least in part about the comfort / lack of much opportunity for restriction or ill fit or chafing texture or anything, same goes re: pants & shirts. interesting he likes to wear the patterned layers but doesn't really wear like, stripes or plaid ever. plus it could well be that Just A Tee is too informal unless you're the formalest of all by virtue of position, i.e. the ceo, but also we sure often enough see him wearing hoodies &/or multiple layers, like, maybe that's just for warmth or weight or what have you, always considering "what if it's about being self conchy as well (different way of saying self conscious)"

3x09:

so yeah with winston not having taken another job (at least maybe only like, temporary ones as these self contained gigs / just something to pay the bills) figure it's been a Depressive Period for him here lol & deliberately going on a journey of like self reflection / examination & going "haha yeah hated what i saw" is like, i don't think the self loathing is anything new, the confidence in 3x03 kind of an optimistic bandaid lol like well here's the new me as i understand / hypothesize / hope he could be, totally confident in being backed up by how valuable he is as a quant, then taylor kind of ripped that off and wound's open again but that wound was also not brand new or something he was unaware of / that didn't affect him before now

re: math meetup, i can see that being him presenting more evidence of his talent as a quant but also specifically going "see, i do this collaborative thing" to present this more conciliatory and cooperative approach to taylor, & am also taking it as evidence that he really does Enjoy math / coding stuff beyond it simply being a means to a professional end. i also like to think he has been / continues going to math meetup regularly, at least once a month, maybe every other week, and that it's this semi social event, like the relevant irl group you found back in the day that like, meets up for pizza before and drinks afterwards. i also like to think that, like, while he might come off as A Bit Much during said math meetup / just speak up frequently enough and often enough with some insistence lol, people Are there to meet up about the math and his contributions Are valued despite if his delivery/approach isn't always endearing or whatever. and even if he's not really popular / warmly embraced in the more [socializing event] bookends of the meetup, he's perfectly tolerated, and there's even a person or two or three (also regular attendees) who do vibe with him enough to like, invite / even want him to sit with them / talk with them outside that Math Setting. math meetup pals, maybe he doesn't meet up with these people outside these events but maybe they have each other's contacts and sometimes text. not these intimate personal relationships, but still something real and positive and refreshing. it'd be nice if math meetup could kinda be like what he hoped for from quanting, this way his math lets him "qualify" to access this group / activity, his aptitude "making up for" perceived lack of interpersonal / social charm & charisma & what have you, & having some reliably friendly people around even if of course that's not on its own going to mean he's totally socially fulfilled / not often lonely or anything. hc: he's often lonely & not totally socially fulfilled

he does, of course, want to work for taylor specifically, as long as they want him to, and this is sort of his second chance to find validation through working as a quant lol. think that yeah sure winston likes validation in general, who doesn't but also of course he's maybe a bit Above Average sensitive to / keen on it, but he'll also care about Affirmation if it's coming from people whose opinion he particularly values. think that it's easy to suppose he's also especially sensitive to taylor's assessments here thanks to the fact they really hit a (raw) nerve with him like, sure is the potential to get caught up in feedback loop city & say, have a few months mired in self loathing & an especial lack of certainty & confidence, if someone's kinda gone "i hate your self hatred" lol, but he also Did have this especial interest in / high opinion of taylor before that 3x03 interview, & so that's what continues to be part of it here

but then also interpreting that second 3x09 scene as like, he Does independently Know His Value as a quant and yknow not only has his pride but also can't and isn't going to first and foremost focus on trying to socially perform being peak Accommodating and Appealing here lol. but he still cares about what taylor thinks, wants to work for/with them, and i think it was Mutually Appreciated in the last scene that there was Mutual Effort to cooperate w/the other, giving him a Cue instead of just being mad & obfuscating it unless & until giving up on him completely or w/e is Constructive. interpreting winston as someone who sure can be a bit petty on purpose, especially in the face of some wounded pride (where he seems to take pride in his quant abilities & maybe not much of anything else: see the self loathing otherwise), but isn't really one to be deliberately antagonistic, especially not towards, yknow, the person he specifically wants to appeal to, but he also knows he can come off as grating whether inadvertently or not, so he might be testing the waters a little as well

3x11

he's using headphones even though no one else is in the room, that's a preference / he may also just like to block out other sound in general, as there's no audio of [winston's music faintly playing as / before he takes off his headphones] or indication he paused anything. does he like metal, what with the yngwie malmsteen reference? maybe, but that might just be a Billions Reference thing that isn't meant to indicate much / anything abt the specific character. i don't have any hcs about it anyways besides "okay" if so

first time we see his watch, it's not the calculator watch until s5 but i am a fan of said calc watch....gotta suppose it could represent him being here for the math of it all, what with how fancy/expensive watches are kinda the whole like status / power play thing, and a calculator watch is, afaik, not expensive, these casio calculator watch listings i'm seeing are all priced like, $15 to $25 range. so.

2nd scene is the first time we see sleeves pushed up, a frequent choice, maybe if he's focusing sleeves against forearms / Wrists & Hands can be bothersome. also not the first time he puts his hands in his pockets but i think that's a deliberate choice for winston's sort of Default Pose, equate it to the choice to have jared hang / hold on to his backpack straps.

guess he can also be a bit petty / rude / grating on purpose if ppl are getting in the way of his mathing / coding or otherwise thwarting it, at least probably taylor can relate / sympathize what with them wanting to Get It Right / being bothered if people get it wrong but could've avoided this

noticing all the caffeine and the fact he maybe didn't leave the basement / was powering through that project All At Once....just noting that down as a potential Approach, wanting to not interrupt focus &/or bear down & keep a fairly intense pace until it's finished / stay in the zone or what have you

definitely doing some deliberately cocky Testing / pushing back / amicable power struggle with taylor there, confirming he does have leverage due to that quanting ability after all, Despite His Demeanor / not being "sweet"

by this point definitely consciously kinda wants taylor to rail him.

4x03

i have no concrete hc's of instances inspiring winston to think he's "always seeing the future" but god i wish he did. he's right a lot though, maybe he just notices as much lol

talking mostly to taylor here, then concluding with "i only thought it but didn't say it; doesn't count....damnit." like he wants Their validation thanks, even if recognizing his Win here still wouldn't help them either way....also first time we see him w/coworkers for real, he's really freely Interacting.....time to go ahead and say he'd like to be work friends / at least have friendly interactions at work, might be a bit desperate for such positive social interactions, especially in this environment where he thinks the "objectively" good thing about him is most relevant, but it's cringe & fail (&/or vulnerable to Attack) to outright Want something, like validation / affirmation / a positive response or a simple "yeah you're right" "positive" response

first Space Shirt, followed by ones that are like, also &/Or Sci Fi Shirts. does he like space? i guess so

he's autistic

4x08

here & in 4x11, we don't know how he's gotten this info about taylor re: the arc w/their dad or with axe cap, but he's apparently mused on it on his own like this & isn't just quoting what someone else told him about how taylor must feel about xyz & how that might apply to the situations at hand, even though (unless he cassandra'd it) he wouldn't've had that much cause to suppose it'd definitely be relevant to have ideas about how taylor feels / is navigating a situation & why, maybe he just likes to be prepared like that / stay in the loop but yknow, maybe he's just also interested in them as a person beyond what's most immediately relevant to him doing quant stuff for them

he's already done the sort of kicking himself / wincing / apologizing or agreeing he fucked up an exchange thing before but, the genuine disappointment / momentary discouragement in it always lol....self loathing guy

love how he has these little like, clarifying explanations of things. "total control of the instrument," "always seeing the future," "because i win".....he's out here wanting to communicate to connect & to be understood, not so much as a potential for a power play / status climb and thus a conflict.....can see ppl who are used to / Do see interactions in that light to interpret winston yelling about having won as a like, rubbing it in people's faces show of superiority thing, but pretty sure he's just excited and wants a high five

4x11

having talked about the fact none of the desks in the tmc hq main floor seem to be winston's (& knowing that Could just be wroland not being reliably available to be in the bg of shots lol, analyzing s4 shots for some Consistently Empty desk) but it is fun to also consider that maybe tmc Could've had a secret extension in that that quant haunt in the basement was kept. a little more furnishing and it could be pretty chill, even though the lack of windows might not always be ideal. where's he sit!

also the whole "guy who'd be the first one smothered" moment like, guess i could've mentioned it in 3x03 more but yeah my Headcanon here is that winston maybe has a master's degree, not a phd though (him saying "50 phds" in 3x11 i think was meant to differentiate from him on both points, aka he's 1 guy, without a phd) & this is his first "real" job in any field. b/c i'm guessing like, people are here to get Paid, but as mentioned w/the watch (& just how winston acts in general, he doesn't really seem like he's raring to show off / really take advantage of having money or anything) it doesn't seem like he's, like, the "exceptionally focusing on personally making as much as possible" guy, and lauren's remark seems to emphasize / place the context on winston just not having like, savings from prior salaried years at a job or anything, more of a practical matter, maybe he's out here hoping for some more financial security, also they are all living in nyc, so. on that note, maybe he has an okay apartment but like, not without problems / not absolutely ideal, but it's okay. this would just be Convenient as an hc also lol

don't think the monologue was completely memorized, but it wasn't completely off the cuff either, he'd maybe been brainstorming scripts in his head / had some particular parts solidified word for word, but also hardly think he was guaranteed planning to deliver an admonishlogue at all, seems like it was some important factors that he was just kind of already irritated, nobody was listening / people Were social pressuring him to drop it or not interested in entertaining like "yeah i think you should talk to taylor about it" at all, think it was clear that talking to others was only going to lead to them telling him to drop it / trying to not have anyone say anything to taylor, and then that taylor just jumped in, which i hardly think he was hoping for

always Something that we can expressly see winston moving to sit down in that soon to be empty meeting room as everyone else is clearly filing out lol, like, can see how he might not be able to go "well, back to work" immediately and need some irritation / feeling like shit / guess who just got yeeellllllllllled aaaaaat to burn off, might need some time to absorb "well i guess i just deferred so no bonus as was probably expected," but can also suppose that maybe when winston gets majorly Shut Down he has shutdowns. saying all of four words in the wake of things, otherwise the fact he has this approach of tensing up, not talking at all, kind of just holding onto eye contact as his last way of "properly" participating in the exchange w/o bailing entirely, while also outwardly withering, like clearly these kinds of moments are pretty significantly affecting....feels like he could find it difficult to talk much, or at all, in the wake of some / need some time to recuperate a bit & have some distance & quiet & not just jump back into work like he's having a fine and normal time. sometimes pondering like, not only those notions like taylor insisting winston not be Interrupted when he hasn't technically started talking yet (giving him the buffering / latency time) but also like, fun kinda imagining them sitting across from each other having a texting conversation....or times winston would rather have an exchange via email......or make use of the sticky notes......or just have taylor talking to him and picking up on his nonverbal responses

winston's very Not present in tmc meetups / get togethers this season & again we know that this could be because his actor wasn't very available but it's still the case In Canon that there's only so many tmcers and they're all seeing each other outside work / market hours for varyingly formal or informal purposes & he's never included. & simultaneously hold the hc's that he could be choosing not to go or he could just never be invited in the first place l o l.....in either of these situations the reason for declining to go or being excluded could be up to "b/c other ppl don't like having him around" and idk, best case scenario is he doesn't want to go for some other reason, but he acts pretty okay with the All Hands meetups we do see / when in meetings with the other named employees he's pretty raring to interact with them, so :/

4x12

i do like to think it's fun to imagine What If Taylor Had A Phonecall With Winston Before This Monologue; someone once told me that explaining is an admission of failure, i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart.....just them both having a more sympathetic approach with each other and a sort of dialed back reconciliation, tbt 3x09, without an audience / roomful of other people

do think that his wearing a tmc logo tee into axe cap hq was a deliberate Statement Piece, like wearing flipflops into axe cap in his true first time being there lol

first time we see the backpack, & the headphones (in this season), like the point you (nothingunrealistic) made about the backpack possibly kind of exerting pressure / compression in a Sensory Way. let's see it again

as good a time as any to bring up how it's such a consistent pattern that it Must be a choice that winston smiles in this direction :/ and grimaces / winces / frowns this way :\ but a choice of the actor of course, was it ever a conscious thing on winston's end, would not put it beyond the realm of possibility he's ever consciously thought of stuff like "even if words fail me(tm) i Gotta hang on to eye contact".....i'm thinking of times he is smiling hard enough that you just gotta do it more symmetrically, like here in 4x12

5x01

he likes bagels

think that this could've been another case of "people who are used to interactions used for conflict / power plays / stepping on other people to status climb (axe cappers in general, maybe team ben having to be extra prone to be on the lookout for these strategies when they're more often on the receiving end of them) misinterpreting winston socializing as means of connection (wanting to talk about the common work thread / interest with coworkers)"

even if for some reason quants were cold shouldering axe cappers like, a sound strategy even if team ben are worthy exceptions. Winston Can Get Petty When People Blame Quants Talking About Being Quants For Axe Cappers Harassing Tmc & also when in the process of doing so everyone's like "also you're smarter than us but no you're not, any math quants could do fundamental analysts could do better" like, winston getting more deliberately antagonistic when ppl are going after his Math Aptitude / value as a quant when that's his "objective" point of pride & confidence & possibly like haha self loathing can't get me here

5x02

winston's decimal points being more precise here i think indicates that the show is not taking the stance of "yeah the quants are just any old analysts with an attitude of superiority" lol

do think he selected that particular seating placement b/c it's like, hey furthest away from axe cap, most aligned with taylor's desk & angled towards it, perfect.....what a letdown

guess this episode suggests he and mafee have chats sometimes, and winston maybe confides At All Sensitive Info w/the guy? bold

always just smh like well thank god we were given this subplot where winston was a plot device really for dollar bill's arc or whatever............what a gift

5x03

just noticing as always how winston is the one person saying they should go for it vs the other two's skepticism / trepidation, and taylor decides to go for it.....they do value his input / trust his judgment

i am also noticing how often winston, as the math guy who doesn't really fit in w/ the whole axe / caply approach & style, has this role in giving taylor these crucial opportunities to pursue their own direction rather than be mired down in the misery of axe cap determining everything....3x11 & his algorithm letting them break completely away from axe cap, 4x11 & his admonishlogue making some Points & then next episode taylor does decide to abandon the revenge jag & says they were wrong & they're sorry....5x03 & this nlp strategy plotline being the first thing taylor could actively pursue for tmc after 2 eps of being dragged painfully through axe cap nonsense, & the fact this, in the next episode, leads to the Impact Fund idea / mase carb

5x04

see that last point

5x05

guess that until confirmed, The Glances being significant is a Headcanon Interpretation lol. anyways i do like taylor giving him these discreet, nonverbal cues as a very deliberate method of communication titrated betwixt them

oh right and an Age Cue here, before that was nailed down i think i already hc'd winston as either the same age as, or a year older than taylor, and that's still true lol, think that's how it goes with the timelines (taylor's being kinda uncertain, and winston's as well, having prior just kinda gone "well if taylor's 22 when they show up as the typical post undergrad age, and each season spans approx a year, and maybe winston spent just a year or two post undergrad getting a master's b/c nothing nails down how long it would take & he could've kinda been ahead of the curve as it were, he could be, say, 23 thru 25 in s3 when he shows up, to taylor's Maybe 23" as the Idea)

just wants to work for taylor as long as they'll have him, but would also like to be openly valued / affirmed on a pretty basic level lol...

one of those matters that's like, i do think that this is what the material is Trying to convey but it's not concrete / explicit, in that i think winston somewhat Likes rian right off lol like. i mean he's also still annoyed on principle, this is maybe his replacement & that stings that it's even a possibility & of course he has reason to want to feel like "oh well this person Clearly sucks" lol, but then there he is trying to scope out the situation & get immediate intel & it's like, here's this fellow 20something you immediately think is pretty (the mental comparison to an A lister as a dunk, lmao) & you see her being perfectly friendly with your nice coworker you're also friendly enough with, that's one degree of separation, now here he comes talking about how cool & epic & smart & capable she is, again makes sense he's still first & foremost bothered by the situation & has cause to just be more jealous about how well everyone immediately thinks of her (see: winston making bad first impressions that may never be undone, the fact other coworkers were probably never going around openly impressed with / praising him after meeting him for 5 sec, or like, ever) but i suppose this immediate underlying sense of attraction / affinity hits in that First Sighting as well

love that we see the feet up on the desk show of confidence again, very funny & glad it's back.....a tool in his arsenal for when he's Very Bothered But (unsuccessfully) Acting Very Unbothered / when he's trying to pitch for his employment lol

when did he have a first gf? perfect time for an hc.....feels like it'd have been like, idk, older high schoolers at the youngest, that kind of emotional commentary....or in college. sometimes pondering the idea like, what if he had a bf first actually.....or not, & Feeling A Way around other guys sometimes like, hmm guess i think this guy is pretty cool &/or i'm kinda like "god i wish that were me" about, then some more noticeable Tension as he's older even if he can't really discern the reason b/c this person's pretty nice & cool actually, hmm. then one day you're doing hw together with a while for code to compile & Oh Hey Lol

meanwhile think clearly rian defuses the Reason For Rivalry (and also clearly immediately likes him / interacting with him & you know, outright sticks up for him & in this significant way) & then when they connect over Math it's all coming together very outright like Oh Hey Lol 😳

also he Gets Right Back To Work easily enough, & like, i think already there's a deliberate performance of "i'm now totally unbothered," but he's just pretty good at shaking things off apparently. & he kind of has to be, to not bail completely or else tamp down his own personality / avoid interactions, but you know. plus that like, he may get irritated when his pride's wounded but around here people can have a whole crisis & arc about it if their egos are bruised in the slightest, so like. pretty blasé

5x06

this isn't really any hc or Interpretation by any stretch but this is the first time we've seen winston pull that particular attitude in that second scene with rian and it's beautiful.....if something's bothering him he's so often like outright indignant but this is like, i'm Bothered but i'm being so dignant about it, for like 4 sec

also the bright green hoodie / bright, high contrast, geometric blockbuster tee is so Vivid but like, always noting how he wears relatively colorful outfits. fun to go "maybe this one's deliberately extra eye catching b/c of this new crush" lol

5x07

the difficulty in reading that much into things when the lack of sobriety could be making any & everything an outlier, & can't even really read into "apparently down to take stimulants (beyond caffeine) on a dime" b/c well, so is everyone else, so that this situation can unfold, we knew he had a crush on rian (or i guess we didn't, but this is pretty direct about it), we knew he likes validation, taylor Knows him well enough that it's not just like "oh he's acting weird? well that's winston for you" to them, which we also knew but it's fun to confirm further lol

and now for some more free floating / general concepts

family? i have no idea. feel like he either has no siblings or several but yknow, anything's possible. we know what he's like Now, don't think he got that solid self esteem / self confidence as an emergent quality from [everything that happened to him before 3x03] & don't suppose he has this like, rock solid close warm familial relationship of understanding & unconditional love & support w/whoever he grew up with, parents or siblings or whoever he lived with....like, the relationship/s could be Fine but you know, still not all that close

i don't think he was every completely friendless (or if he was, it didn't last Too long) in terms of like, throughout school maybe he had some pals, no amazing close [fingers crossed Like That] ones where someone had like, grown up as his next door bestie and they did everything together & knew everything about each other, nothing all that close, but he had people to sit with at lunch or what have you, even if at times like, the table nobody else really sits at but the people who don't have anywhere else to sit lmao. maybe some slightly closer friendships here & there, but people often kind of got subsumed into other friend groups that he wasn't otherwise a part of / otherwise just kind of gradually distanced again...but also possible he had perfectly amicable occasions of like, maybe only having a class or two with certain people, not striking up intimate friendships but hitting it off well enough.........like, winston's out here Not having been stomped down into suppressing his personality all the time, he's still fairly earnest & forthcoming & eager to connect, just sort of vaguely going for "he maybe have always had this element of discouragement & disappointment re: socializing / connecting / forming relationships / sometimes just being accepted on a basic level, but he also didn't have his spirit totally extinguished either" although there's also the room for stuff like, yknow, him Holding Out Hope like "well nobody likes me now / i'm unhappy but maybe once i'm in college [gets to college & still isn't having a great time] okay well once i Enter The Workforce" lol. you know

but it's also like, hardly think he's Only Just Now experiencing the [winston: ___ everyone: get his ass] type stuff & pushback & punishment & disdain over not really doing anything but people hate his style & vibe, & feel like there's also still room for like, yep wow got burned sometimes / having had some pretty negative experiences......we do have to end up in this place where, you know, 3x03 happens and he doesn't just go "guess finance isn't for me!" & dust himself off & go get some Guarantees from some tech firms, & instead he's Really Glad [Taylor] Called & hasn't taken some other more desired job between 3x03 & that call & is immediately like "good news: i do hate myself" so like, can't see him having just thrived his way to this point....evidently not all dating relationships have been just epic highs & victories, maybe he has those math meetup pals now & maybe idk there's other people he's in sort of in contact with, maybe people from college / grad school or the like, still not that close, figure he's generally been lonely like, overall, despite regularly enough seeking out / striving for connections

oh yeah speaking of, the idea that he has a cat maybe lol, in part simply for company, a little guy that lives in your house / apartment....but also maybe he doesn't

always just some general notions like, also idk maybe he engages in hobbies, talks to people through that just like with math meetup....talked about the Embroidery idea, got that computers/programming connection, was thinking like, idk fuck it amateur photography, develop your own film, maybe he took a class in college or high school or something, same with like, maybe he plays a musical instrument, said "the cello, why not" about that as an early [shrug] idea lol. he does like space, maybe he does Anything with that....rip to any astronomy clubs In Nyc like, guess you're not seeing shit, but. 4x11 au, after deferring his bonus he goes to some cool cinematographic celestial occasion like taylor & the sea glass fish carousel lmao. taylor catches up & they have their [i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart] exchange lol.....except also not, b/c you wouldn't really want to have Parallels with m/any moments ft. wendy & taylor :/

recalled like a particularly casual / throwaway idea about like "lol what if he was somewhat thalassophobic" in part b/c once actor william dropped that lore abt himself in an interview, but. could have somewhat some other phobia/s. or not really any! what a world

maybe sometimes he's out here like, single & ready to Fuck like, focusing on just hooking up w/people sometimes rather than really looking to date at the juncture, although it could both be true like, he'd Like to be dating but also doesn't really currently want to do all the Putting Himself Out There & such of seeking it out / trying to consciously navigate it, but sometimes it's more manageable like, just wanting to have sex. looking out for himself when he can & how he can lol

speaking of, some vague sexy hcs

gets pegged

especial fan of Tongue Against Tongue texture, enjoys some Grounding elements to avoid being overwhelmed / narrow things to the more relevant sensory input at hand, like the weight/pressure of a partner leaning / lying against him / holding him tightly, if he's overwhelmed in a good way / kinda got some sensory overflow in a good way he might cry during sex In A Good Way lol, took some time maybe in his Personal Sexual Experience to figure out some general differences in "what he doesn't like at all" or "what's off the table / too unpleasant for him at some times but Not necessarily at all times & might be completely enjoyable sometimes," like, am i willing to perform oral sex, am i willing & Enthusiastically so, is that way too much actually, it can be all of them at varying times....maybe in more everyday general situations he refrains from stims in front of others unless stressed enough, but while having sex with someone especially if at all nervous it's like, there can be this transition between repressing stims & being more unfiltered / uninhibited where they kind of build up & then come through in kicks only to be reined back in, either like, he simply does go for a more reined in approach the whole time or anyone else is willing to ride this out with him / he kind of has the time & space to figure out more of a flow, in which case he might still stim but you know, not as though people aren't used to stims in this situation, i.e. reacting to stimulation with movement & vocalization is at least expected & it could once again be like "well he's a bit weird with it but hey" lol or you know, not that some partners can't be understanding or have had experience w/similar partners. hardly make or break but this can be a vulnerable interaction here / hard to shake the self consciousness & sense of "i Do have to filter myself and act The Right Way" all at once just b/c you'd want to

hey and let him sing karaoke or something lmao, winston is as Dramatic as he is, he would give a performance. work in a way to let everyone who sings sing around lol, could throw in some Affectations so that it's like yeah winston can sing without having to be like "wow winston, when'd you become a trained broadway performer" lmao. imagine. which reminds me of the time will joked about like, oh yeah winston Gets That A Lot re: people recognizing he looks like the guy in deh, aka will roland....the limitations of "this is set in real nyc" including occasional references to recent / popular shows, fuck it maybe will roland does also exist in the billions universe. well anyways it would be fun. the karaoke anyways, and that he'd give a top tier Performance whether or not people are first and foremost enjoying his technical / artistic skill at the art of singing, it'd at least be personality infused and engaging

taking it way back to the ideas about winston's social misadventures in general, i'm sometimes considering for fics i never end up writing if he might have some like, misgivings / anxieties about like, is this person i Like acting like they maybe Like me back as some kind of elaborate joke, & maybe the caution comes from experience like you know, classic over the line "pranks" like asked out As A Joke, kissed As A Dare that he wasn't aware of, think there could be like, would be Friendship / friendly acquaintanceship experiences in there where such "pranks" / "jokes" / "messing with him" (and not in a good way) could happen, or even just you know, more Spontaneously, don't even know this person & he's treated as a joke for other ppl's entertainment, realizing at the time or retrospectively like oh maybe i was more being bullied then having any positive social interaction / getting to feel at least "included" or what have you, like, the idea of getting to hang out with a group as The Funny Guy, but he's had these experiences getting to hang out with a group & realize it's b/c they thought he was funny / Amusing in a laughing At him, not with him way, which is easy also b/c winston isn't really out here trying to be funny that we've seen lol. only realizing he was still being excluded after some time / distance from the situation, or escalating open hostility / just more blatant meanness / over the line shit from some people, maybe some stuff that just immediately feels shitty but he figured was just like, well idk, maybe that's normal & still friendly, maybe it also felt more outright embarrassing / demeaning at the time but it's like haha yeah you got me :'] at the time just to save any face lol.....possible unexpected / spontaneous amicability in his socializing history, but also shittiness, whether it's coming at him all at once or he's kind of holding out hope like, well, i just keep at it / have a Friendly attitude here and surely i'll make friends b/c if people didn't like me At All why are they talking to me / letting me be here at all.....

always kind of pondering Fashion Variation, we haven't seen it but it could be possible, musing on "what would he think Looks Good On Him / how does he feel capable of like, dressing for romantic success or what have you lol" like, was the vivid 5x06 outfit anything, cue the drawing like, a bralette & short shorts is shaking it up and could be a Felt Cute outfit and could also be comfortable enough....not always That much room in men's(tm) fashion before you start having to be aware of [Gender] and dunno that winston out here has had the inspiration / motivation / opportunity to consider / try out / explore but hey. what are we here for

just remembered that post like "uhh i just saw a guy crying in the library & then his phone alarm went off & he stopped crying, opened his laptop & started typing / it's called time management" lmao like winston's not out here having the Most amazing time, he could have such Time Management experiences of like, letting it out some on purpose but then reining it right back in, and/or just like some spontaneous paroxysms of crying for a minute or two more unexpectedly in a "do you ever [experience a tiny inconvenience] & realize the thread by which you're hanging on is quite thin" way or otherwise, you know, oops experienced this frustration & now i'm crying over it, or idk, just feeling a bit more vulnerable for whatever reason & something has unexpectedly plucked some emotional string attached to another string attached to another & the resonance = i'm crying now ig. he can't be Thriving out here & i don't think he's all about having such a stranglehold on emotions that he's like oh tf i Never cry (aside from having sex, in a good way)

although speaking of like, emotional repression, maybe he's out here just "good at" compartmentalizing some experiences lol in that "well anyways, back to work" way & stuff like, sure he knew he was risking it in 4x11 but it also did not seem to affect his dynamic with mafee at all lmao like wow.....

think that him not really having anything on his work desk is a choice / preference but also am not sure that that really applies to anything else lmao. what if he had a little plant. that'd be funny

oh yeah and the idea that winston might literally have like prophetic dreams & they're just kind of a nuisance to him but sometimes they can be plot devices in fics (that don't exist) about him kissing people

well i'm just calling it a night there lol but like, it always feels Lacking writing out hc's like, plenty of ideas but also hardly any, and yet the fact that other individual ideas are so Vague / casual that it wouldn't be like "oh i gotta share this via post or manifesting it some other way" so then it feels like, oh no, if i don't list absolutely Everything on something that's specifically a list of hc's, i can never talk about whatever gets left out......and just that like, i ought to have a bunch of really specific, concrete, unique Factoids about winston here to be of any interest but hey lmao. that hypothetical set of concepts is never gonna happen, & the Ultimate Comprehensive List Of Everything I've Ever Pondered Re: Winston is also going to be difficult lmfao (not as though that's what you've asked in the first place) but you know, we took a swing at things here & covered some ground & the thinking about & talking about winston never ends, & this isn't really a post meant to have broad appeal / if you're not already having fun reading vague musings about the quant then i'm sorry you're reading this after having read all that and gone "wow, i'm disappointed" lmao but hey, weird choices made to bring you to this point......also god knows plenty of hcs are more filed away under specific like [Tayston], [Benston], [Riawin] sort of things (lol, [Mafon]) b/c on the one hand, i find it easier to kind of think in Scenarios and the details particular to the "scenes" therein, but i am also not good at thinking of those scenarios! out here operating on vibes, he's autistic and wants to kiss taylor (also now rian but that's kinda right in canon, not just my head) and that's really the crucial info here

#winston billions #nothingunrealistic #posting these things at 7am lol just had to give this a shot all at once really #there was never going to be a concise & comprehensive post here so just gotta go for it #certainly vs trying to think up that beautiful engaging collection of concrete hc's & thus never writing Anything lol #and anyways it's also like; this is a niche post for an even nicher audience so #quantnoisseur is about having fun and being yourself. for me #thanks again for returning the favor!! do love the opportunity here #again hope i don't like recall three dozen obvious things i should've included once i post this but

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telehxhtrash · 4 years

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There’s two funny things I noticed about killugon shippers. 1. Even though everyone seems to think their separation is “healthy” because they’d become codependent, I don’t see this same mindset extending to Killua and Alluka. They’re codependent too, and I don’t see why one relationship is bad and the other is good. 2. People praise Killua trading Gon out for Alluka, but get upset if anyone mentions Gon meeting someone else his age to be his new adventuring buddy. Gon should be allowed to be happy and replace as he’s been replaced. Everything seems one-sided where ppl want Killua happy with Alluka, but are ok with Gon being alone and wallowing in that loneliness and guilt. I don’t get it.

HI ANON I’M SORRY MY BRAIN WAS JUST. not cooperating these past few weeks, that’s why it’s taken me a while to reply.

For the first part of your ask.... I’m gonna have to disagree with you on some parts. I think Killua’s relationship with Gon can’t be compared to his relationship with Alluka. You honestly can’t compare friendship/borderline romance to family relationships. They’re a very different type of love. That’s why I don’t really like it when people say Killua “replaced” Gon with Alluka, or that he cares more about her than Gon. No, he loves them both the same. It’s just different types of love.

I think the main reason Killua's relationship with Gon was codependent in an unhealthy way is because the codependency sparked from lack of self worth. Killua's low self esteem led him to act in ways that were completely self-destructive, almost leading him to death instead of trying to communicate properly.

I also think that the codependency was reinforced by the fact that at the time Killua's love bloomed, it couldn't be reciprocated. It only led Killua to spiral further and further and completely get stuck in an endless loop of self loathing. That's the main difference with his relationship with Alluka ! Gon couldn't provide Killua with the love he needed at that time, and it led Killua to self-destruction.

But with Alluka, this love isn't rooted in self loathing. Killua knows Alluka loves him. He doesn't doubt it even a second, because they're siblings. He knows Alluka's love in unconditional. That's why I think him taking some time off and staying with Alluka is a good thing : he'll get to experience unconditional love (not saying Gon didn't provide him with it because Gon did. Gon absolutely loves Killua unconditionally. It's just that Killua can't realize it yet.). And I think this experience will make him grow and learn how to love himself.

Killua constantly self-sacrificed because he didn't know how Gon felt about him and he felt like he didn't deserve him, but with Alluka, he knows shes loves him no matter what. That's why I don't think you can truly say that Alluka and Killua's relationship is unhealthy. Killua is just looking for comfort in family relationships, I honestly don't see how it's codependency, and I think this will actually lead him to self-love.

So Killua and Alluka's relationship in itself isn't unhealthy. But of course, yeah, I definitely agree, Killua putting making Alluka his entire goal isn't healthy, just as it wasn’t healthy when he put Gon first. I wish Killua would put himself first for once. But I don’t think his relationship with Alluka in itself is unhealthy or codependent. At least, not from what we’ve seen so far ! But I agree, Killua revolving his entire life goal around one person and devoting his entire life to them, whether it be Gon or Alluka, is unhealthy. But I think this reflects that Killua is on the right path but still has a little more growth to do ! He still has to learn that while you can love your loved ones a lot, it's okay to be your own person independently from them.

In short, Killua's relationship with Gon was unhealthy because Killua felt like it wasn't reciprocated and it led him to act in self-destructive ways. With Alluka, he knows it's unconditional love, and I think this is the push he needs to learn his worth and learn how to love himself completely. Something he sadly couldn't do around Gon, because of his self-worth issues.

For the second part of your ask, like I said, Gon hasn't been replaced imo.... Different types of love once again. But I think most people don't like the idea of Gon meeting someone new for a few reasons. First, we all know no one can compare to Killua for Gon. Like, Killua is the best friend Gon could ever possibly have made, and no matter who he meets, it'll never run as deep as what he has with Killua. Second, I think the main point of Gon being separated from Killua and being alone on Whale Island, stuck with his thoughts and left to ponder on the "something more important than the thing you're hunting could be right there by the side of the road" line is to open the door to feelings realization. I think, narratively speaking, it's meant to let Gon realize how much Killua means to him. And meeting someone new would defeat that narrative.... Gon is being set to reflect on how much Killua means to him and exactly what he lost, so he can truly appreciate Killua fully the next time they meet. That's why to me, it wouldn't be a good writing choice to let Gon meet someone else right now. Because the focus right now is on how he feels towards Killua !

Ty for this ask tho, this was fun to reply to! And sorry for the delay, like I said i had mush brain for a while :(

#ask #thoughts

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tyrannuspitch · 3 years

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hmm. something i’ve been thinking about:

part of me is extremely sceptical of like, the entire conceptualisation of PDs. like, officially speaking, ppl are still being diagnosed with these apparently life-long unchangeable disorders off *a checklist of 5-10 outwardly observable symptoms*. that’s kind of ridiculous, right?

like, i’m just not convinced that you can say with certainty that a mental illness will be lifelong just from the fact that it’s lasted 5 or 10 or 15 years already. it’s not a physical illness where you can point to what’s broken. it’s emotional distress that exists in a social and societal context. and i’m *extremely* sceptical of people making claims that things are inherently lifelong when that can turn into a circular argument - oh, your illness wasn’t lifelong, so i guess you just didn’t really have this illness. never mind that there was nothing to distinguish you from any other patient at the point of diagnosis.

however... i still have to recognise that:

1. the majority of personality disorder patients have to deal with their illness long-term. i’m not going to just magically better in a year. or five years.

2. if there’s a cause for my avpd symptoms, it’s probably autistic trauma. (in a generalised sense of living in a hostile world, not the narrow sense of actual emotional abuse - i showed avpd traits long before i developed ptsd.) and i may not be in school or unaware of my neurotype anymore, but i’m still an autistic person living in a hostile world. this is an ongoing trauma. even if i start to get better, i could easily be set back again. this is how i respond to distress and it’s going to take a great deal of work to manage it.

3. part of why i keep going back and forth on whether i have avpd and whether i believe it’s a long-term problem is because i keep telling myself i *used* to have a lot more / far stronger avpd traits than i do *now*. this is... not exactly true. i used to have more overt social anxiety and ptsd-related self-loathing. my avpd traits - my problems with intimacy avoidance, self-sabotage, feeling inadequate rather than evil, and so on - are completely intact lmao

#monologuing. don't mind me

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silver-wield · 4 years

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Hey so I was wondering if you did/could do an analysis on clouds various panic attacks ptsd episodes and how he responds to each one I’m interested to read your thoughts on each one since you usually bring a new perspective to the table for me so thanks for that!

All of Cloud's ptsd attacks? Damn, that's a lot of searching I've got to do. I might not find them all. I'll do my best but you'll have to let me off if I miss a couple lol

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be long.

Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.

You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Please check my master post to see if I've already covered your question, thanx

Recap time!

I explain Cloud's entire backstory which covers his PTSD and other issues here, so that should do for a recap right?

A further thing to note is that PTSD affects people differently and in Cloud's case it manifests as a psychological taunt in the form of Sephiroth. Embodiying his sense of failure, lack of self-esteem and self-actualisation, this version of Sephiroth is the one that Cloud reacts to the most strongly. This is the one that makes him whimper with fear and react on instinct instead of observing the situation and attacking. This is the one he fears, and it's a part of himself wearing a monster's face. Why Sephiroth? Who else has done him more harm? Sephiroth killed his mother, Tifa (so he assumes), burned his hometown to the ground and was indirectly responsible for his best friend's death, too.

And Cloud couldn't do a thing about it. He is the manifestation of everything that Cloud hates and fears about himself. Because of this, he's dissociated from much of his feelings. He still feels, but at a lesser degree than he should were he fully in touch with his real self.

Moseying on.

The first PTSD induced attack isn't actually prompted by Sephiroth himself, although he does feature in it. Cloud's first attack happens when he sees the destruction of sector 8 and buildings burning. This gives him the association of the last time he saw a burning building, which happened when his village burned. The sensory input of sights, sounds and smells prompted the memory, which combined with the high stress situation and Cloud's own latent anxiety and guilt for his part in this chaos.

You see a close up of Cloud's eye as it widens and real!Cloud's memory pushes to the forefront of his mind – remember, these memories are things SOLDIER!Cloud can't access at will, which is why they cause him pain when it happens.

Theres a static noise in the background, which is meant to convey a type of ringing in Cloud's ears and then the building's facade morphs to that of his house with the fence around it.

While much of what Sephiroth says is in line with this being a separate being from Cloud and not merely his own subconscious taunting him, there are elements of it being a combination of both. This is in line with the OG where Sephiroth was able to get in Cloud's head and make him doubt his own sense of self. With what we know of how Jenova's cells manipulate Cloud, it's believable that Sephiroth is both a separate being manipulating Cloud to his own ends and partly an aspect of Cloud's psyche that exists to push blame on him for everything. It's the representation of his mental illness that he struggles to fight.

Obviously, there's no fire, so Cloud sweating and breathless is because they're physical symptoms of his PTSD induced trauma.

Sephiroth's taunting lines about how he killed Cloud's mother are overkill when you consider the real Sephiroth's personality. The combination of the overarching Sephiroth and Cloud's PTSD version make a powerful foe that he never really beats. This is a metaphor for the fact those with mental illness are never really free. It's a lifetime battle and even if they're in recovery, that demon is just waiting for one weak moment when they can get them back in their grip.

You can hear Cloud gasp in this scene as once again Sephiroth appears to taunt him. He's not fully recovered from the last attack and now there's another right on top of it. Sephiroth appearing is once again partly Cloud's own trauma and partly the Jenova cells in him warping his perception and allowing Sephiroth to mess with him.

Unlike the time before, this Sephiroth vision is a simple taunt that Cloud is too weak to save anyone. This is his guilt and self-loathing talking about how he couldn't save his mom, Tifa or his town. It could also be hinting that he couldn't save Zack either.

The hidden implication of this scene is the fact that Sephiroth puts his hand on Aerith's shoulder. This is the only time Sephiroth touches anyone besides Cloud.

The next time Cloud has an attack is during the reactor 5 mission. This happens because of Tifa's presence drawing out the painful memory of the Nibelheim reactor where he believed she died after facing down Sephiroth.

Even in the midst of his PTSD attack he looks to Tifa. She doesn't know what's happening with him and he backs away from taking a chance to confide in her, but even during this moment when he's showing weakness he has very good eye contact with her. He's looking her directly in the eye, which he wouldn't do if he wasn't comfortable with her. This shows that Cloud sees her as a source of comfort and support.

You can see the lingering doubt on his face here after he dismisses the attack. He's not aware of what the memory means because he's not in touch with the full story – that belongs to real!Cloud kept hidden away. He knows it's left him unsettled and feeling like a failure. This is one of the few times I've seen that Cloud doesn't dismiss out of hand the content of the attacks.

Tifa repeats a phrase she said back then and Cloud's sense of failure surfaces, causing him pain and to freeze up. We get a voice over from real!Cloud referring to the time he believes he let Tifa down. Before the SOLDIER persona can get too deep into it or question what he means, Barret yells for him to focus. Cloud shakes off the paralysing feelings, but that doesn't stop Tifa asking it he's ok, which he dismisses again. This is typical of truama survivors pushing their feelings down and attempting to function without ever truly dealing with the source of their pain.

This next flash is prompted by the events during chapter 8 where the children get into trouble and Cloud has to rescue them. It echoes a similar even in his past where Tifa climbed Mt Nibel and fell, despite his best efforts to save her. She spent a week in a coma and Cloud was blamed for the incident and told to stay away from her.

The past emotions of guilt and failure mingle with the present situation to prompt a flash of pain as the memory of Tifa surfaces. It's his feelings of guilt and having failed her that cause the pain, not Tifa herself because when he says to Aerith he doesn't know how to explain he turns to the spot where he saw the vision of Tifa and smiles wistfully. This means Tifa herself doesn't cause him pain. The feelings he has about himself, do.

Chapter 13 and omg I love this freak out! I'm sorry, but this is such a great moment for Cloud and really highlights how low he is at this point. This shows the depth that we miss from him always having his SOLDIER persona taking charge. He's just lived through a tragedy. He's seen the girl he likes in pieces and trying to hold it together. He wants to comfort her. He wants to be himself, but he can't because he's just not good enough. He's feeling like a failure in more ways than one. He lost people too, goddamnit!

Then, in a misguided attempt to distract Tifa from her pain, he stumbles right into a trigger point for his own trauma. Of course he wouldn't know this. It's one of those flashes of Sephiroth ranting about his role and Jenova and shit. (I might have mistakenly said this was a future-flash somewhere, but then I remembered he does this rant right before he kills everyone in Nibelheim).

There's very little blocking to the memory. This is pretty well sealed by real!Cloud compared to his other memories. Even painful ones of Tifa have more context than this. This is something that is so damaging to Cloud's psyche that he can't even fill in the space around it.

So, we get the same kind of staticky noise we heard in chapter 2 when the vision of Sephiroth showed. Cloud gasps pretty loud here tbf. He's unguarded because of the vision and possibly his own distraction about what he's just been through. He wasn't prepared to see Sephiroth here even more than he was back in chapter 2 when he had a full on panic attack.

I mean, his pupils are seriously dilated here. Boi is scared.

Cloud's whimpering and my heart breaks for him. Sephiroth is hitting all his weakest points by bringing up failure and mentioning it's not the first time that's happened. Cloud's at a low point already, so it's not unexpected he backs away from this rather than tries to fight. This isn't SOLDIER!Cloud. This is real!Cloud. The fear has driven real!Cloud to the surface and he wants to run away, just like Sephiroth taunted back in chapter 2.

“Through suffering you will grow strong. Isn't that what you want?”

Clearly not by the look on Cloud's face. The part of him that's real!Cloud within this moment looks like he wants to scream that he's had enough of being in pain. He wants to shake his head and deny that he deserves it. What did he ever do wrong?

I feel like this is more of Cloud's own subconscious taunting him and implying that he deserves everything bad that happens to him, rather than it being the external Sephiroth manipulating Jenova's cells. He's saying Cloud secretly wants to suffer because that's all he should ever get in life. He thinks if he suffers enough pain that he'll be stronger for it, instead of the broken person that he really is. This is the type of thing people who’ve lived through trauma deal with every single day. It’s a never ending barrage of not feeling good enough and worrying that your entire existence is a bother to society. Not even just those close to you, you are a blight on the world. That Cloud’s internal trauma is so deeply rooted in this figure of Sephiroth narrows his focus and makes him project all of his fears onto him. It’s no wonder he freezes.

Now, not strictly a PTSD glitch, but it does provoke a very strong reaction from Cloud, and definitely plays into his fears, so I'm gonna include this one on the proviso it's more fear motivated.

This is the moment he sees Tifa stabbed during the VR cut scene. Sephiroth hijacked it to show them meteor, but then he also killed Tifa and then Barret. We know later on that Barret actually dies, so having seen this, Cloud may well relate back to this deep seated fear that he can't save Tifa and she'll die because of him and it'll cause further attacks. This is also a callback to the time in the reactor in Nibelheim when Tifa was stabbed by Sephiroth and Cloud couldn't save her – this ties to the PTSD flashback he had during the reactor 5 mission where he saw Tifa picking up Sephiroth's sword, so it's got precedence to cause him further trauma once he connects the dots. The fact it provokes such a strong emotional response from him – so much so that his entire face changes – I suspect that real!Cloud came out to motivate him to run to her out of the fear he'd just seen her die in front of him – again. The shock and disbelief on his face, the utter heartbreak. His expression changes from SOLDIER!Cloud to real!Cloud in less than 3 seconds. I checked. As a trigger for his trauma, Cloud's fear of losing Tifa pushes him to a lot of things he wouldn't normally do.

This is more of a memory glitch than PTSD since it's tied to the grunt recognising Cloud and calling him out on the false memories he has of being a SOLDIER. He says they went through training together and Cloud's eyes narrow as though he's trying to reconcile a truth against a lie. The truth that real!Cloud was a grunt and SOLDIER!Cloud is a fake.

There's some distress on his face here that links back to the point during the airbuster battle when he first learned about cell degradation. He knows what he believes is true isn't quite right, but he can't figure out why. SOLDIER!Cloud is unaware of the SOLDIER persona he constructed to protect his real self from further trauma. In OG when Cloud finds out – through Sephiroth’s skewed af bullshit – it causes a complete mental break, so real!Cloud's right to be wary of triggering himself because he's not in a good enough place to deal with what he's done to protect himself. He'd blame himself for being even more weak than he thought.

This is more interesting. Usually whenever anyone questions Cloud about his false identity he claims it, while also rejecting it by saying “ex-SOLDIER”, but in Hojo's case, he seems to hesitate, as though part of him knew it would be questioned and wouldn't hold up. Since Hojo's the one who did this to Cloud, it's likely the truth of what happened couldn't be kept back by the SOLDIER lies.

Pained again, Cloud turns his head away, as though he can shut out the truth. Hojo's image glitches for him and it's reminiscent of the OG moment where Cloud confronts Hojo and asks if he can be a proper experiment instead of a failed one (or something like that. I haven't played OG in like 5 years)

The trauma from what Hojo's done is quickly brushed under the carpet thanks to the arrival of the whispers. This is the second time they appear to prevent Cloud learning too much about his past too early. (Dammit, I forgot about deep ground, I'll circle back to it or I'll lose the order for my screenshots)

I'm not including the long corridor walk prompted by Jenova because that's a loading screen and also it happens not because of anything that Cloud experienced in the location, but because the outside influence of Jenova called to him. His only association with Jenova is the infusion of cells, though how he got them does set off attacks. Actually, here's a good point for the deep ground screen.

Preview of zombie Cloud for Mideel anyone? I mean, what can I say? He's totally checked out and it's scary. No wonder he doesn't wanna remember any of it if this is what he was like at the time. Imagine being so doped up with mako that you're not even you any longer? Having experiments carried out on you and god knows what else. Being stuffed in a chamber jammed full of alien dna and left to see what happens.

This is what broke him. I'd say it's similar to the faceless Squall cut scene from the end of FF8. It's chilling. No wonder he crafted an entire persona to protect himself from remembering this.

So this is the culmination of all the other attacks he's had. We get flashback elements from several that threaten to overwhelm Cloud. He's clutching his head. He's in serious pain and can't do anything. He manages to push through and ask if it's really Sephiroth. He then grabs his left arm when it begins to hurt. This is because Sephiroth is left handed. This is also the same arm that had the major infection of geostigma in AC.

Conclusion

Cloud is a messed by puppy and I ship him with therapy.

PTSD is a tricky thing to accurately show, especially in this case when it's not all totally mental illness and there are outside factors that skew how it's portrayed. Part of Sephiroth is within Cloud, though I do suspect it's more of an aspect of his own feelings of self-loating and doubt than it is actually Sephiroth. That's not to say there isn't also a genuine part of Sephiroth within these visions influencing Cloud to do what he wants, but I think it comes down to the context of the moment.

Cloud's been through a lot of shit and fronts like nothing else. He's managed to get away without any kind of vices or coping mechanisms besides this alternate persona that actually does ok in following the real!Cloud's lead when his deeper urges motivate SOLDIER!Cloud into doing things. I mean there's a point where there's a clear debate between the two about dancing for Andrea. All that back and forth eye movement and then the grimace and “fine, for Tifa” expression wasn't necessary if it was just SOLDIER!Cloud.

It's gonna be hard for Cloud to hear that he's not real in the sense that he thinks he is. It's gonna break him. We've got a preview of his scary vacant Mideel look and it's terrifying. Major props to Tifa for refusing to give up on him.

#final fantasy 7 remake spoilers #final fantasy 7 remake analysis #Character analysis #Cloud Strife #Tw: ptsd

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