#but i just cant do it im soo tired i feel soo empty its like theres someones hand clutched around my heart | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bangchanshehe · 3 years

Text

Are You Mine? pt.6

You arrived in Korea to start living your dream, or so you thought until you meet a man that woman dream of throwing themselves on. His entry into your new life takes you down a rocky path where friends will become enemies and foes will make themselves be known.

word count: 2k

The next day things had started without a hitch. You had gone to the company to get your official name badge and started to set up your office so it felt more like your own. You had organized a file on your computer for each other the boys in exo so that you could keep track of each boys schedule, progress with English lessons, and take notes.

The boys’ previous English instructor had sent you an email with references as to where each of the members were as far as studying and materials that you could use during lessons. You had smiled at your desktop and thought back to the day that Baekhyun had asked you to help him with English… if not for that day you wouldn’t be where you are now and you decided that you would thank him later.

But the more that you let yourself think about how he went through your phone and found you the more you started to feel a little uneasy. Had it had been any other person in the world you would have felt incredibly uncomfortable and maybe even unsafe. What had started off as unsolicited hitting on turned into him essentially stocking your information and then calling you to beg for help.

You immediately let out a deep breath and promised yourself that you would pocket all of those feelings and emotions. At the time sure you had some red flags but after getting to know Baekhyun you no longer had any alarms going off in your head. Plus if it weren’t for that unfortunate beginning to your friendship then you wouldn’t be where you are right now.

A knocking at the door caught your attention and you immediately called out for whoever was at the door to come in. you waited with a polite smile and when you saw the familiar long hair of johnny at your office door you smiled.

“hi” was all he said as he stood awkwardly by the door like a little schoolboy

“hey” you said back giving him a warm smile “watcha doing here?”

He took a seat in the chair directly in front of your desk and cleared his throat before he looked back up to you. You watched and waited for him to answer you or at least say something else, and as the seconds went by and the room was still silent you began to smile wider and wider.

“johnny?” you asked

“I’m sorry. I’m just-“ he smiled up at you and then looked down again “I’m just a little tired” he finally said

“what time did you get here this morning?” you asked him

“8am” he answered

You looked over at the clock on your computer monitor and you noticed that the time was only 12. Perhaps he got home late last night. Or maybe he was so tired that he couldn’t sleep.

“so I wanted to ask you if you would eat lunch with me today.” He said keeping a straight face. “I mean I figured that you may not know about the good places to eat around here yet or have any friends to eat with so I thought id take you somewhere” he said nervously explaining away

You chuckled and smiled at him as you asked him “you think I don’t have friends?”

Johnny’s eyes went wide and you knew that he felt a sense of panic since he had essentially called you a loner. And it wasn’t that he was wrong and you weren’t offended either, but you knew that he wasn’t in his right mind and you wanted to give him a little bit of hell.

“I didn’t mean it like that! I just mean that since you just got here-“ he yelled as he explained

“its okay…. Im just messing with you.” You said with a smile. You stood up and grabbed your purse and watched as johnny remained seated “come on… where are you gonna take me?” you asked

The practice room…. He took you to the practice room to eat with you. You looked around and let out a happy chuckle as you looked around the room that you had seen so many times on the internet and in dance practice videos. And while it wasn’t the place that you had really anticipated eating in you knew that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be in the same place that so many of your favorite idols had been before.

“is it just you and I?” you asked him, confused as to why the room was so empty

“yeah” johnny said taking a look around until he saw something that caught his eye. He ran off towards a counter in the back corner of the room and grabbed a bag that had takeout inside. “everyone usually likes to go out and eat or they have other schedules and they eat on the way”

He sat down in the middle of the floor and he opened up the containers one by one. Kimchi fried rice, kimbap, rice cakes, and fishcakes were opened one by one and as you smelled the aroma of each dish your mouth began to water.

“I didn’t know what you liked so I ordered all of my favorites assuming that you must like at least one of them” johnny said as he pulled out chopsticks and separated them for you.

“so do you not have any more work for the day?” you asked him

Johnny looked up at you and gave you a small sad smile. “its not that I don’t have any more work for the day, I just don’t have any individual work to do. When the group comes back then ill have more practice” he stated with a confident tone, but with one look in his eyes you could see that he was affected by his lack of work.

“at least you have time for a life. I mean you get to eat peacefully and enjoy taking midday naps.” You said with a smile hoping that it would cheer him up.

“I guess” he said before he let out a soft sigh “it gets tough being alone though. And since I cant really go outside and just do whatever I want to do, I almost just kind of wish that I would be working more.” He confessed.

You had no idea what you could say to make johnny feel better. And If you could make him feel even a fraction of a bit better you would do so in a heart beat.

You had always known that the companies of idol groups tend to have favorites and display that unequal kindness quite unashamedly. But to hear how sad johnny was and see the look in his eyes, you had realized that there could be a lot more hurt than you had ever thought.

The two of you ate comfortably as you enjoyed the food that johnny had prepared. The two of you had made small jokes back and forth with one another and it felt good to feel the energy of the room switch from sad to lively.

“if you ever want to eat lunch with me just text me” you said holding your hand out for johnny’s phone

“really?” johnny asked with a smile. He immediately looked down at your hand and eyed it for a moment before he placed his hand in yours.

You laughed and shook his hand off “not your hand! Give me your phone weirdo!”

“oh” was all he said as he fished his phone out from his pocket and handed it over to you

You quickly put your phone number into his phone and then handed it back to him. He looked at the contact and then smiled to himself before placing it back into his back pocket.

The two of you had wrapped up your meal and you were about to leave the practice rooms when suddenly johnny had cleared his throat, making you turn around.

“soo” he said as he put his hand on the back of his neck out of nervousness “I just wanted to say thank you for having lunch with me and being so fun… I really like you. And it’s a shame that you’ve already got a boyfriend.”

You were speechless that johnny had just said that he liked you. It was something that you could never even imagine would happen in this lifetime… or well ever. And yet after two days of knowing each other he has already said that he likes you. Your heart was pounding out of your chest and you felt like you were the most successful fan ever. Not only did you get to work with your favorite idols but you also got to-

“did you just say boyfriend?!” you asked him confused

Johnny looked back at you perplexed and he nodded his head. You took a second to think if you had ever mentioned anything about dating anyone or even liking anyone and you kept coming up short.

“what boyfriend?” you asked him

Johnny gave you a strange look before he finally answered you “Baekhyun said that you already had a boyfriend.” He looked up at the ceiling as if he was wracking his brain and trying to remember something “someone who was also from the states… I think he said his name was corey.”

“cole” you said to clarify

“yeah cole!” johnny said snapping his finger and pointing at you in confirmation.

You scoffed and looked down at your shoes. You couldn’t believe that Baekhyun would lie about something like whether you were single or not. Why would he even lie to begin with?

You were starting to feel like who your impression of Baekhyun was, was only who he wanted you to see. and the more that you were talking with other people about events involving him, the more that you found lie after lie. This on top of the whole phone incident was starting to not sit well with you and you were starting to lose some of your good impressions of him. And while it hurt to feel like the excitement from the night previously was diminishing you figured that it would be for the best to not get yourself involved with him anymore.

“yo hyung!” johnny called out to someone behind you and it snapped you out of your thoughts “did’nt you say that Emily had a boyfriend?”

You immediately turned around to see Baekhyun who looked like a frozen deer in headlights. You stayed put in your spot and watched as he panicked as to what to do next. He continued to choke on his words and with a scoff you turned around to face johnny once more.

“no I don’t have a boyfriend” you clarified to johnny “Cole is just one of my friends”

“oh” johnny said nonchalantly “well then if you aren’t seeing anyone would you maybe like to go out sometime?” he asked with a shy smile

You would be lying if you said that you were excited. The fact that Baekhyun was here and was still acting so shady had completely ruined your mood.

You knew that dating within the company was definitely a no-no. and while it wasn’t a written rule per say it was definitely an unspoken one, because the idols available image was very important to their marketability. But in this moment you wanted Baekhyun to get the message to stay away from you loud and clear.

Without a second though you smiled up to johnny, giving him your best fake smile before answering “sure. Id love that”

You didn’t care if Baekhyun had felt bad about seeing you and johnny agree to a date. It had infuriated you that he was manipulating so many people and doing so many shady things. And hopefully now he would leave you alone.

#kpop #kpop series #kpop imagine #kpop fanfic #kpop fanfiction #kpop smut #kpop scenarios #exo #exo series #exo imagine #exo fanfic #exo smut #exo baekhyun #baekhyun #baekhyun series #baekhyun imagine #baekhyun smut #baekhyun fanfic

24 notes · View notes

hallwaydodge · 5 years

Text

long rambling reflection on my history as a naruto fan and why im deep in kabuto stan mode atm

soo i have been a naruto fan for a uhhh long ass time (17 years now?) and i was deep in fandom for ages before falling off sometime around the start of the war arc...it started with the emotional blow of losing jiraiya (me and a friend read the chapter when it released and just clung to each other sobbing lol, well written, just sad)...the dumbassery of pain resurrecting everyone.....mr sasuke choosing to honor itachi's legacy with destruction....i had not read it in a bit when my friend called me up to ask if i had read the most recent chapter cuz NEJI DIED and i literally lay on a dark basement couch all day sobbing and was deep in grief like couldn't eat or sleep for like the next 2 weeks....i started reading again in bits to see if neji would resurrect (HE DIDNT) and if his legacy would be honored (....) but whatever it was just endless uchiha clusterfucking so i got bored and dropped again, only really returning for Magical Brother Soulmates naruto and sasuke (#NEJI WAS RIGHT) and then the last chapters to see how it ended and gape at the endgame pairings & inojin, the most bizarre looking mf ...

(At least orochimaru ended up okay and pretty, I decided)

anyways, i've consumed a lot of what i missed in my off periods but one thing i never really consumed was the war arc A) cuz im a filthy bitter neji stan until the day i die B) as someone who crusaded hard for tobi NOT to be obito (as i loved them separately but knew if they were combined i would lose all sympathy and affection) (my naruto forum username was literally tobi-chan) and that twist makes my teeth gnash as it's just kinda a bad character story, obito hate club here, and that leading to aforementioned uchiha gangbanging and SPACE ALIEN REINCARNATION PROPHECY MAGIC, something so utterly divorced from what naruto's story used to be... yeah

(have i ever stopped writing my post series neji lives shikaneji epic tho?? no!)

now the other day i saw a mention was like, kabuto is more dragon then snake. i always did wonder about the horns...so i went to go reread the hilarious kabumaru reveal which led to many a joke back in those old forum days -- the chapter was being weirdly hard to find tho and i kept getting distracted by other chapters referenced on his nwiki page and i ended up reading a lot of his backstory (knew in general but) andwar arc stuff, especially him v itachi n sasuke, which i had missed

And i was like? Oh? Heres kishi writing style I've been missing + maturity gained from time? sasuke calling itachi perfect when itachi sympathizes with kabuto because sasuke is too emotionally immature to have that capacity, the submission of identity to authority that drove them to extremes w kabutachi vs sasuke being driven to extremes by well. trauma induced personality but still, his personality, you know, who he simply is ... sasuke then leading into having to resurrect mentor/parental figure orochimaru and ninja presidents to figure out "who am i" which was really "can i choose to help konoha and pals while still being me"

and theres kabuto...forced to Accept Himself by itachi's brainwashing (itachi, who has always had teeth, always been pleasant, always taught) ... kabuto standing there ... orochimaru (who bore witness to all this drama from his cosy place on anko's neck) feeling so much more tired than he has after any other resurrection, giving kabuto those inscrutable looks, removing his presence from kabuto in an absolution, an apology, a return to self that leaves kabuto looking so young and tired and empty), telling sasuke he's fine how he is and also, still young, knowledge inherently ages you in a way trauma, power, and the passage of years can't

(i cant believe orochimaru was trying to stop sasuke for his own purposes. he manipulated sasuke but he never stopped him. ntm following that path allowed orochimaru to get his arms back and just have some fun trolling the mage, so it was a path for from detrimental to him.)

he wants sasuke to keep what childhood, what sentimentality he can -- again, acting the parent

and there's kabuto still. a 'brother son student'* to him, one of his oldest orphans, a follower so loyal and useful orochimaru would never make a vessel out of him even when desperate, and yet kabuto in his search for identity did it anyways -- (remember how he offered himself to oro, back in that whole rotting arms, late sasuke era?) and later orochimaru essentially tells his old teacher (a parental figure to himself) that the reason he's gonna bat for the good guys is because he saw what Trying To Be Like Him led kabuto and the world to, and he wants to, essentially, do better with this child under his charge and instead of imposing his will, see what sasuke can do with All The Knowledge At His Disposal

he told kabuto to form a self around knowledge, but it was knowledge for sake of power ... a descent to madness he himself took from a quiet, helpful child ... as character parallels go, orochimaru has very little in common with sasuke and much more in common with kabuto

"shape them in his own image ..."

now orochimaru was never guardian of the year, what with the fufufu-ing and child experiments, but i disagree with assumptions that the loyalty he inspired was entirely down to Stockholm or fear, because at the end of the day, orochimaru did as many horrific experiments on himself as he did unto others. leadership thru example.

then there's kabuto. kabuto who has hated, tried to kill, resented, feared orochimaru, but also kabuto who also loved and admired orochimaru, saw him as his home, was someone whose company he generally seemed to enjoy, someone he wanted to both be and surpass. someone inspiring

kabuto and orochimaru are alike, so kabuto tried to supplant his identity with the assumption that being alike = having walked the same path = being identical and eventually had to face that he couldn't both love orochimaru and be him, that it was a twisted mirror, that all he has ever been or would ever be was someone who had to make his decisions based not on history or blood or origin or culture, but on what made him happy

so, the orphanage, a home that does not move or die, a brother whom he can love and admire who is so different from him its not a twisted mirror ... a kabuto and orochimaru who do not seem to have interacted in a very long time, but for the whole, they didnt exactly part hatefully or on bad terms, and thus a kabuto who could just as easily make the choice to never see orochimaru again as he could to see orochimaru, if he wants to, if he's sure enough in his own identity to not worry about losing himself again ... he finally has choice, even if he, orochimaru, and sasuke are all restrained by the ethical limits of konoha atm

and uh yeah characters who struggle with their identity & the control others can then exert over them are a favourite of mine?

so what this memoir/meta tl;dr is is just me working out my thoughts this fine friday morning on how yakushi kabuto has, like, objectively, one of the best character arcs in all of naruto -- hell, maybe THE best, and i am sorry to have missed it when it was coming out because just. damn. that's good writing, y'all!

2 notes · View notes

bannerswife · 6 years

Text

Another Love - Dean x Reader

Title: Another Love, based off the song by Tom Odell

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Warnings: None but angst I guess

Word Count: 1035

Authors Note: Soo I was going to write more on this but ive been leaving this for ages so I thought i would just leave it at that aha. any who this is something a little bit different to my normal stuff but I hope u enjoy!

I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care But it’s so so cold and I don’t know where

Dean had always dreamt of taking you somewhere away from here, somewhere the both of you could just relax for the first time ever. Though he knew that it was never an option, not for a hunter anyway. You wondered many times when the two of you would get a break together. Always wanting to take any chance you could and run away from everyone and everything. The whole world surely would keep on spinning without the two of you hunting. Nevertheless, that wasn’t how things went and you knew that Dean, or you for the matter, would ever be able to stop.

I bought you daffodils in a pretty string But they won’t flower like they did last spring

You remembered the first couple of weeks that you begun to date the elder Winchester, he never agreed with you in hunting with them so every time he’d come back he’d have a daffodil in his hand to give to you. That was every damn time. And you loved it. You wished for it to never stop. The string that always hung from the beautiful bunch, that then had a special note dangling off it with something different written on it every time. Every time making your heart melt. Though the flowers he brought you every hunt began to lessen and lessen after each passing hunt he went on. Then you decided to join in on the hunting after a heated fight that you two had. But still you waited for Dean to have a bunch of daffodils in his hand, in a pretty sting with a beautiful note attached to it.

And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright I’m just so tired to share my nights

“God- I know! I know! I just cant-“ Dean rubbed his face, trying his best to keep himself together.

“What, Dean? Are you in love with someone else? Is that it?!” You snapped back, you didn’t bother keeping back the tears that currently were pouring down your soft cheeks.

Dean looked up from the ground, his glassy eyes coming into contact with your puffing red ones.

“I cant love you, y/n,” Those were the words that shook you right to the core.

And here you thought you were actually going to have a life with Dean. Get away from hunting and start your own chapter in life. Where the two of you were happy, with a house with a white picket fence and kids at your feet.

“I want to love you of course I do. But I cant. I don’t know if I ever will. Im sorry, I really am.”

You scoffed at him, turning around to face the other direction of the bunker not daring to look back at him. You felt as though if you did you would shatter completely to pieces. Dean softly put his hand on your shoulder, wanting nothing more to envelop you into a kiss right there and then. But it would mean nothing more than a kiss would it? Dean of course wasn’t cheating, never would he do that but he could feel his heart longing for someone else. What he felt for you wasn’t love, it was something to hide how he really felt about this certain someone for a while now. He couldn’t stand making you feel unloved but he never loved you from the start. Sure there was something there, but not enough. It was never enough. From the beginning you could always feel something missing, even from something as simple as him stopping giving you flowers. You never wanted to admit it though, of course.

“I’m just so tired of pretending,” You could hear the crack in Deans voice.

You softly pushed Deans hand off, expecting to see Dean cheeks dripping of tears, though there wasn’t any. I want to cry and I want to love But all my tears have been used up

“I wanted to love you y/n and I tried. But I only used you to cover who I was afraid to love.” So many emotions were running through Deans mind, but at this point he couldn’t cry no matter what.

All his tears had been used up.

“Okay, alright, I understand,” You softly said with a nod as you rubbed your tears stained cheeks, trying your best to put on a smile.

You didn't understand. Not one bloody bit. You meant nothing to Dean. Maybe you did, but right now you didn't feel anything. Dean had used you to just cover up the feelings of someone else he truly loved. You just felt empty and tired.

“I just want to know- I deserve to know who you’re truly in love with,”

Dean sucked in a breath, looking upon your face. He couldn’t. He couldn’t say. He hadn’t even said it to himself. He didn’t even want to mention their name anymore. He had mourned about it and cried himself to sleep too many times to count.

“Cas.” He said, still his eyes glued into your crystal e/c ones.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” your eyes widened as you brought your hand to your mouth.

Castiel had been killed a couple of months ago and you could tell the effect it had on both of the Winchesters, but you could specifically tell how massively Dean took it. It all made somewhat sense now.

Every now and then you have caught him praying to Castiel, pleading from him to come back. Dean began to drink a whole lot more and spent most of his days in his room. I guess you could say that’s when you could tell that there was something between the two of you missing.

And you always did feel the bond the two men felt between each other but you could never pin point it.

“It’s fine, really, I-” Dean lied and you caught it in a second.

He was the man you love after all, you knew everything about him.

“No- its not.”

On another love Another love All my tears have been used up…

(Yeahhh I didn't know how to end it here but whatever lmao hope u enjoyed!)

35 notes · View notes

lostmyselfinthedarknesss · 3 years

Text

i miss love. i miss feeling love. i miss giving love, i miss receiving genuine love. idk but this has been eating me up for a while. and has been making me super fucking sad. and for some reason i cant get out of this funk. and ive seeked help and nothing has worked bc all people say the same thing. u go to a psychologist all they tell u is how to better understand these feelings like okay??? but why am i breaking apart everyday. why am i so sad that i wanna be alone 24/7 like why is that still happening if i seeked help that everyone says is soo “helpful”. i get it my childhood self is hurting over old trauma. eat healthy, exercise, say affirmations , change ya mind set ... well what if i tried everything and i just fucking cant huh. now what... how can i convince myself this is a life worth living . how can i convince myself that im okay, how do i stop feeling empty. how can i get out this head space so i can be more social. idk maybe im meant to be alone rn. seems ab right. normally when im at my lowest the universe makes me go thru it ALONE. and thats how its always been since a kid so. idk why i expect someone to magically swoop in and save me from this misery . clearly i have to go thru tragedies bc im the explain. like universe ian sign up for thisss shit. ppl tell me everyday how proud they r of me n the accomplishments ive made and how i cant be so hard on myself . and its like no i have to be. im unhappy. ive been so unhappy in a long time . i think the last time i felt happiness was halloween 2020. like bro this shit ain mf fair. but whats crazy i feel i deserve all this pain in my heart. i wish i had someone who made me feel safe... but theres no one. its 2 am and im venting on tumblr bc i cant sleep(x trying to talk to ppl wont do a damn thing, everybody gives the wrong advice bc they assume instead of listen. i’m tired. n ion wanna b here anymore.

thanks for coming to my ted talk xx

0 notes

nudelipislife-boldlipisliving · 6 years

Text

WinterProjectPanCheckin#2

SOOOO I didnt post for the beginning of February, or March, especially since Feb was so short and I was sick for a total week, which really cut into my makeup usage, because I didnt feel like i had made enough significant process on Item. Instead to share my progress when I had some.

Primers: Becca Back lit Priming Filter,

FINISHED!!! Sorry no empty picture- I just needed it off my desk!! It got to the point where I was scooping out product with a silicone brush, and i cant get anymore out.

For now I dont think I am not going to repurchase, with the warmer months approaching I dont need dewiness.

Foundation: Josie Maran Argon Oil Foundation, Dynamic. I cant actually tell how much foundation is left in the bottle, its soo think that it wont settle.

I’ve been working long hours and wearing powder foundation which lasts longer on me. I am going to try mixing it with mattifying foundations again to see if i can get through a bit more of it before I have to retire it for the spring&summer.

Concealer: LA Girl Pro Concealer, URG it looks soooo bad on my skin. Iv been using it all over my face just to get rid of it and it settles sooo badly.

***Its gotten sooo bad that I just threw it away!! I looked like I had scales for skin!! I AM SOOO DONE WITH THIS CONCEALER!! and my foundation looks a million times better!

Concealer#2 NAR Creamy Radiant, Vanilla. FINISHED!!!!!! I couldnt get anymore out of the tube, sooo bu-bye!!

I will definitely repurchase i love this concealer but I have two more in the wings, and a couple I want to checkout.

Powder: MAC Mineralized Skin Finish Natural, Light Plus;

I have used this twice🙄I over extended myself with this!! maybe with a different foundation underneath.

Powder: MAC Studio Fix Foundation Powder, N3

I hit MAJOR PAN!! BACKUP is on the way!! yay

I like using this powder with the Josie Maran Foundation to neutralize the yellow, since I run cool toned.

Blush: MAC 2016 Holiday Peach Face Palette

some movement, I can see the embossed knot design- I think it might have hard-pan, unfortunately.

However, the plastic pans in this palette keep fallen out, so im going to depot them- which is a shame.

Bronzer Physicians Formula Butter Bronzer,

I hit PAAAANNNNN!! Fucking FINALLY. im going to continue using it, probs well into May/beginning of June, depending on the weather

Highlight MAC Beauty Powder, Sparkling Rose (DC)

I have retired this in my PP **please continue reading to find out my replacement😉

Brows Anastasia Beverly HIlls DipBrow Pomade

decent amount movement, less then half left

LipLiner MAC Lipliner, BarleyBare- some movement,

Its getting ReALLY hard to get a good grip on it now though

EyeShadow UPDATE

MAC Cranberry***miss written for 2 months, its actually called Falling Star- little to no movement

MAC Frost White DONE!!!! I was Sooo fucking tired of this thing that I started using it as highlighter

MAC Antiqued-havent used

35om Morphe Palette, 1st shade in the palette &MAC Blush (repressed) Baby Don’t Go:: There was soooo little of both that I repressed them together

MAC Satin Taupe some movement

MAC Amber Lights some movement

ADDITIONS

Highlighter: MAC Its a Stike Collection Pearlmatte Face Powder, Trophy

I tried depotting the powder, but it broke, so i repressed it. i split it into two pans, that are smaller than the original pan, so im hoping to go through the pan pictured, it has the least amount of product- hopefully i can go through it before the summer begins

EYES MAC PRO Eye Palette- “The Romantic”

I havent used it much but I do want to incorporate the product into my rotation

#makeup #makeupartist #makeupblogger #makeupaddict #makeupandbeauty #beauty #beauty products #beautyblogger #projectpan #projectpanning #MAC Cosmetics #tartecosmetics #shapetape #nars cosmetics #nars #AnastasiaBeverlyHills #abhcosmetics #abhbrows #abh

1 note · View note

holanads · 6 years

Text

Mengosongkan Hati

today, i met my one of fave person. he got brown eyes, it shines as the sun passes on em. i was sitting alone with my all black clothes, bag and even my pencil case, the only thing their eyes going through at is my shoes haha. eye catchy.

so, i was alone and enjoying the weather, hot they said but i was cold, i got fever so i need sun for my vampire-skinned. then suddenly he showed up, his face gazed as he wanted to make sure that it was me.

“Hey!” “Hey you” “alone? what u doing?” “this” *i showed him a blue-covered book off and i answered him concisely* “ah, that’s my favorite!” *my finger pointed at a bottle he held on* “wanna try?” *i shook my head as a no, i didn’t talk much*

i missed him, this friend of mine who always have interesting stuff to be discussed. he is different. he respects me, when i say no, then he takes it as a no.

“now i know, you never write about me. but i enter as me on someone else’s story hmmm.” *he congested and looked at me deep* “hehehe, at least i wrote and mentioned you” he smiled, i read his face trying to figure what he was thinking about out. “what do u want me to write about you?” he laughed. i felt awkward. “nothing hmm..” he tried to say something. i know him. i probably should ask him. i wondered, does he really want me to write about him?

we muted because i muted (?) the weather oooohhh…

“soo are u still….” *stop! cant tell you gengs about this scene, skip this* i muted. “nad, have you ever fallen in love?” “hm excuse me?” i heard his question but his voice was blur. “you love someone?” “i dunno” “why u dunno?” “i want to empty my heart” “what? how?” “i dunno hoq, im still figuring it out. i wanna find way to emptying my heart, and fulfill it with Allah only” “why you should?” “because, when i find someone, i know he is the best that Allah gives to me. and when my heart belongs no one but Allah, it will be easier for me to love Him completely. deeper, purer, more sincere and idk i want Him alone, all my life and till i die. i sometime think how i’d love my future husband. i dun wanna love him because he is handsome or wealth or smart or something like that. i keep thinking what if the thing that makes me fall in love with him disappear? would i still love him the same? i dun wanna love someone like that. i want someone whom i have no reason to not love him.”

*it seemed complicated for another people, but i hope he understand it*

“so what if you someday fall in love, how u handle that?” “commitment… i have to promise to Allah and myself to not let anybody in. and i need a wall, like i wanna block any guy before i actually fall. anticipation! i wont let it happen” “aahh i see” *he shook his head up and down, seemed like my answer nailed it.* “i wanna do that too hehe.” “just do it!” “ya i will, i will try. nad, how did you do hijrah? tell me”

i muted again. my lips dried. i needed oxygen, i was so tired. but actually it wasnt my reason to not answer him. its just because i dunno, i didnt wanna share that, not today. so, i skipped it and stayed mute.

“i wanna be better person. i wanna do hijrah, i wanna do as you are doing right now” “alhamdulillah, do then” *i was getting excited, my exhausted gone as tons of energy came to me in* “ya, i tried so hard. but i passed it, i missed it” “its because you never catch it immediately” “yaaaa.” he looked at me again and lowed his gaze. and i was so happy for that, he was really respectful. “its not isbal. its sunnah hehe.” “its not isbal? hehehe” “yaa. you will be rewarded” “just do something like this, this small thing? and get reward from Allah?” “ya, beautiful, isnt it?”

“hehe yeah it is.”

it was a very lil of our convos today. my friend, he is amazing. he has a lot of topics. he told me he moved out and rent a house with other boys, they are my friends too. and he said he is so addicted to mobile legend, it makes him stay awake. and he turns to be a lazy person, he tries to change that bad habit, step by step. we discussed about a ghost user of grab and gojek, and he asked me if its haram or not, and i said of course it is.

he is different. i feel comfort talking to him. he never, not even once to hurt me. he is funny, he deserve the girl that Allah loves. he deserve that chance, i wann see him in jannah with his wife and their children again.

that moment when i felt another moments were flooding my brain. couldnt stop it. it made me feel, i am not alone.

to my brown eyes friend, sigit.

hey! i just wrote about you buddy:) chillax!

#sigit #kawanaku

8 notes · View notes

tas-slayy · 5 years

Text

0 notes

depuislautomne · 6 years

Text

Green eyes

you know, after reading all those books, i still did exactly the opposite of what it said. Why dont i listen? sometime i realize im so stubborn and all i do is keep running into the same issues, the same problem, over and over and over.

Im not sad because a person i was seeing for a month decided to move on; I am frustrated because I keep thinking the void i feel inside will get filled in by a guy. I keep putting this ideas in my head, I keep looking at social media and seeing beautiful boys, beautiful couples. This guy was quite beautiful, with the most amazing body ive ever seen, and those eyes... But thats it. I idealized him so much in my head that i made him a perfect individual based on his looks. We had good sex yes, we had fun watching black mirror drinking mojitos. But I know he wasnt right for me because in the one month we spent together, I saw him be agressive and rude to people. He exploded at me once because i was 5 min late; he never texted me during the day; all of those signals my gut knew them, but i chose to ignore cuz i was afraid i would lose him.... what? how can I be afraid of losing that, when i am giving my best to him. I was patient, i was nice, i made him laugh, i made him coffee every morning and let him take naps in the middle of the day even when all i wanted was to go outside and do something. I mean for gods sake I didn’t study one day because that’s the only day he was available to hang out.

Why do i think that what i do is just a given, but the gestures others do for me are so huge? why do i feel soo ‘honored’ when people are nice to me; isn’t being nice the least they can be? its like, because he was good looking, i felt lucky he would even consider to be with me. Like this month was a gift from the Gods or something. But aren’t I pretty too? Aren’t I nice? didn’t I chose to be with him for that month when I could’ve done something else?

I now realize self-esteem and self-love is so important. I have always felt inferior to the people im with, because I feel so incredibly lucky that, a human being, chose to be with me. I really want to get that out of my brain, chase that weird virus out, kill it with fire.

At least now, after this, even though my health has taken a toll during finals, and even though i dont feel my prettiest because of it, it is the first time in quite a looooong time that I genuinely want to be alone and I want to STOP looking. I hated tinder and bumble, the anxiety it gave me was way too insane for the little benefit it gave me... which was going on meaningless dates with people i knew i didn’t like after 30 seconds of talking to them. Yes he was the exception out of all those dates, but it never felt natural, It never felt real.

I want someone who will actively look to hang out with me, who will be interested on how my day went. Who will help me study or who will tell me about their day. I dont want someone that ill sit on a couch with every Friday night to watch Netflix, and wake up the next day to see him sleep until noon while i just chill in bed waiting for him to get up. We went out once, for my bday; but other than that i never saw him outside of his apartment. He was... a boring person. Always so serious, so righteous about his political views and always making me feel stupid for thinking any different. Did I really want that? Should i really feel ‘special’ because someone who is 0 compatible with me decided to take me on a few dates and spoon me at night?

i feel like ive hit rock bottom... my mom has never been so worried. I get home, lay in bed and cry. I just cry because i dont understand how people function, i dont know how to be happy, how to not feel that void even when im at a party having fun. I am so tired of feeling that, it makes me so hopeless; people are excited for summer and i start being excited and suddenly I start worrying about feeling that emptiness even on the brightest days of summer.

Today i forced myself out of bed, I went to a coffeeshop, and there it was. The void in my chest, the pressing emptiness and the despair that comes with it. Its like my heart cant relax, it cant just be; it has to beat faster and faster and make my chest hurt. Its like a constant sting right in the middle there, that makes me reach for my phone and obsessed over the little things that i dont have.

I dont know where im going with this, but i had to let it out. all of these thoughts all of these sensations.

0 notes