#but i cant even pay my fucking rent to them bc i havent had an income
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someone explain to me why job hunting is so goddamn hard
honestly just *getting* a job that'll respect me, that's suitable to my financial needs, and doesn't pay a shit wage
in VA $15/hour is not a livable wage. on average, to be able to afford a standard 2 bedroom apartment you'd have to get $26/hour. which isn't fucking possible. i fucking wish it was but it isn't
i've been out of a job for over a month now, because my interviews go so amazingly well just for them to deny me and tell me they gave the position to someone else. like damn if you're gonna fake that shit with me at least say it to my fucking face
i've applied to about 100 total jobs in the past month. about 1/8 of that i get interviewed, and then denied. or i never hear back from them again. all the other jobs either flat out tell me no or they don't say jack shit at all
i have over Six(6) full years of customer service experience, primarily in various retail and hospitality industries. i've worked a receptionist job that i really loved but couldn't stick with because the workplace was unsafe and i was severely underpaid (was only getting $12/hour).
asking for a reasonable starting pay of a MINIMUM of $18/hour for receptionist/front desk/admin assistant jobs makes the most sense. it's what those positions are worth, in my opinion, and what *i'm* worth.
but apparently that's too outlandish for places around here. i cant find any fucking remote jobs that don't require lots of experience or a fucking degree.
i've been doing DoorDash but it only limits me anywhere between 30mins to 1 1/2 hours per Dash. and bc theres so many fast foods around here it's not like that really pays much. just enough for gas, i guess, now that i'm not worrying about groceries since my parents returned from NY last week.
i was doing housekeeping the past year, bc the yr prior it was the only job next to 9 different receptionist jobs that got back to me instantly, since i had quit zero-notice from the underpaid-and-unsafe receptionist job prior. was only getting $15/hour, ended with $15.71. because that industry is severely underpaid too. the stress housekeepers have to deal with, whether in the AM shift or PM shit, is not worth that fucking pay. fuckit, if they offered to pay me more i would've stayed. but no. apparently HR was unable to comply with that option solely bc all the other hotels in the area, including the ones outside the chain i was working for, pay about the same too. which is fucking bullshit
just...
someone explain to me why getting a job is so goddamn difficult. i just need a good, healthy job that fits my needs (i'd love to do receptionist/front desk full time and long term, just not in retail and hospitality bc fuck that stress) and pays AT LEAST $18/hour in northern VA. make it fucking make sense. please. bc christ this is just getting ridiculous
#im so fed up with this bullshit#and im starting to get shit from my parents now primarily my mom bc shes a raging bitch abt it apparently#on one hand they dont know its been a full month#but i cant even pay my fucking rent to them bc i havent had an income#this is just getting so fucking stupid right now#christ on a stick#rant#vent#money issues#i wont take any less than $18#$17 if i really have to#but anything lower is out the fucking window even if the interview goes really well and they outwardly like me a lot and want me to start#this has got me in such a shitty mood now god fucking dammit#hate this shit
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hey, i really hope this doesnt come off the wrong way but you need to take a step back and reprioritise your costs. the people in your doctors office are the biggest assholes in the world but you shouldnt be using money on legal fees to go after them if it means you cant afford your rent.
actually, those funds are kept completely seperate, and i'm not intending to use any of it on some stupid lawsuit. i am however going to have to pay legal fees to have a legal representative advocate for me and my rights with this doctors office. because i cannot just up and leave 'the biggest assholes' there just bc it's financially inconvenient. because this office has 4 referrals in progress for me, a disability application in the works, and have all my records - some of which have not been completed/updated yet. and they are deliberately dragging their feet on all of the above.
so if i 'just don't bother' as you're suggesting, i would have to leave and i'd lose all those referrals and have to start completely over with a new office- which the wait list for is over a year. i would also have to completely restart the 3-6 month process for my disability application- which is the main financial reason i struggle with rent costs! because i'm not on disability and need to be! because i keep being discriminated against even outside this drs office.
(on a less important note, i would also have to wait until they finish updating my records before i can even register with another dr bc they wont have any correct/up to date info on them)
hence why i HAVE to continue dealing with/through this office even though i desperately dont want to - which means i have to have advocation, support and legal knowlege- which comes from a legal rep / organization / charity (which only provide free advice, you do still have to pay them to Do Anything). it is NOT something i can do by myself. cool for you (genuinely, no sarcasm intended) if you're able to get your rights respected or have the privilege to simply say fuck it and walk away- i do not. many people do not.
i think you may have misunderstood my intentions and reality here - this is not a situation where the abuse has happened, its over and im out, and therefore it is not worth legal hassle after the fact. this is an Ongoing Situation where i am TRAPPED dealing with this until i can get what i need (records, referrals, disability application) that is legally owed to me and is my right, but is instead being witheld.
so your suggestion, going with that, would be to either abandon or put off any and all healthcare progress (and my human rights, nbd) to instead pay my rent....which is something that, worst case scenario, i cannot be evicted for immediately. there is a grace period, its in the lease. they have to give us x amount of time, or offer us the option to split the payment. they only have to provide/allow that one time, but i havent used it yet so this could be that one time if i have to. (hence my notes earlier mentioning that the new building management seeming nice so hopefully they wouldn't be fussy abt it and would give us some time - bc as ppl on the internet often forget: my mother pays half the rent. i am not totally on my own here on that at least.)
look, i get that you may have had good intentions, but don't come into a situation you don't know the details and nuances of, and tell someone what to do with their money- especially when they're using it to protect their basic human rights. i didnt ask for anyone's financial or legal advice - so idk why you felt it was wanted, needed, or necessary.
like. you dont know the whole situation, i have (obvi) not shared all the details w strangers on the internet. you cant play financial advisor to a random person whose life you don't understand. idk why ppl think they can/should, rly.
anyway, genuinely for anyone on here: if it bothers you that much that my financial situation is incredibly complicated & messy due to a myriad of reasons, and that my scraping / surviving by might not be in the exact same personal fashion you would choose yourself?
you can ignore it or unfollow me, thats all good n cool.
if that wasnt your intention, and it just came across that way, then apologies for being short, and i hope the above explanation clears up the reasoning as to why i do, in fact, need to do certain things that i'm doing.
(for future reference: anons like these will be blocked. the only reason this one wasnt was because i knew it could have been a misunderstanding. but if it isnt, and anyone decides to send stuff like this, welp, its time for my best friend the block button to come hang out)
#say it with me kids#Strangers On The Internet Do Not Want Or Need Your Advice#unless they ask for it? dont come at someone for something u dont understand fully#esp bc genuinely it can like. not just be rly upsetting for that person but also slightly triggering depending on that persons situation#and current mental state#like bud i just got out of being forcibly hospitalized against my will & told i dont know whats good for me#only to leave and go to a drs appt where im told im cr*zy for wanting my treatment and dont know whats good for me#then go thru tons of legal advice phone calls being told BECAUSE I ASKED what actually would be good for me (a representative)#only to come on the internet to have a fun time and woop. there it is.#some anon decides they must. they simply Must. tell me that i dont know what tf is good for me#u know what bud?? thats Bad for my brain. rly bad. i sound mocking when i type 'thats triggering for me' but i am...not. im being serious.#leave ppl alone honestly#i come on tumblr to avoid stuff like this on twitter etc#just. like rly & genuinely? can everyone mind their own business & stop giving unsolicited (& often out of touch) advice. like in general.#just as a rule of thumb for life. not just the internet.#transphobia tw#tw hospitalization#ask to tag
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well it's not like according to tradition I replied in a timely manner lmao dont worry about it
sfjkfjsdk me too, i dont usually make playlists, i just leave everything in my liked and shuffle it and let it be what the universe dictates but idk i felt like getting them into one playlist
well if you add pepa pig id burst out laughing in the middle of a call probably and one of my work friends would probably shout "send her to sleep" bc thats what we say when we send clients back bc we cant do anything from our end so it would be funny and we would just ultimately skip it lmao
im looking forward to whatever songs you add, the playlist is long as fuck already tbh so it might take a while for the oli london song to come on
SFGDSJKFGDS well in my defense I had to ask bc i didnt know how long youve been on tumblr so yeah (shiro's cloning and the episode about it and the fight with keith)
anyways i motherfucking hated that they exploded adam and then tried to console us with curtis but anywaaaaaaay the fanfic is dirty laundry which if you were in the fandom i doubt you didnt end up hearing of it or at least the discourse around it but anyway it got deleted but i had it downloaded so have a google drive link https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwU9LMiUJoN7RjFWSGZVUlJQd1U/view?
yeah, the whole not enrolling classes in uni is a mess and i try not to think about it too much rn (i am seeing a therapist and i hope that by next year i have figured out what i want to do) but i like my job, we(my team)'re actually planning to rent a house and stay there a weekend very soon to celebrate our supervisor's bday :'3
making choices that will greatly impact our futures is seriously so hard, and i also not qualified for any career advice but manifesting that whatever you choose in the end allows you to be happy
just last night it started raining hard so i got up to turn off the fan but then like two minutes later i got up to turn it on again bc even tho it was raining it is still so fucking hot, seriously hate the weather rn
god mountains are so preetty, specially when the weather is cool and they get all foggy
atsv is a masterpiece and it continues from itsv so damn well, i really do love it and i hope hollywood gets up it's ass and pays their workers what they're owed so we can see it soon
KJSDFJKSDFHJS i am still seeing so many miguel o hara edits everywhere for real, i gotta say tho im in love with hobie and pavitr
JKSHFJS i used to do something similar with fob, i had a lot of them printed out and would put them on my binder cover so that i could memorize the lyrics so i was all day everyday singing them until i memorized it and the changed it for another song
idk how id rank fob albums, its so hard when theyre soo good but i really do love so much for stardust, aside from that one i think my favs are save rock and roll and american beauty american pyscho, mania was the first album i was a fan of them when it came out so it has a special place in my heart as well
my special lyric is part time soulmates full time problem, ive always been a fan of soulmate aus and hhhhhhhh just makes my brain smooth, also we started off as shiny dimes but we got flipped too many times, we did it for futures that never came and for pasts that we're never going to change 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹
cheers to us and our interesting meeting jdfshjf
love you and i hope you have a good week :3 get plenty of rest and fun and water!!
-M
i feel like if we had a competition on late replies i would emerge victorious😎(crying inside)
honestly fall is prolly the best time to make playlists[not that im gonna, but sure is a nice time yk] but ahhhh anyway!!!! havent added anything but u will know when i add it <3
check hello tumblr user nonbinarymikaela pls provide access to the drive check [i checked out of any fandom drama cause i had so many exams that yr lmao. only time the edu system saved me]
[this is me actually hi]
honestly idek if i like my degree rn, like i really wanted to go for a history degree a couple years back before i changed my stream[its a whole educational system thats actually fucking fucked in india i hope it dies soon💜] but on the flip side - it was pretty hard to get a spot in my uni anyway so now im just in a whirlpool of smth. bleh
thinking of how next year is so close is like skewering me and roasting me like a kebab😭😭😭😭[but like dont keep a strict timeline yk, ur like seriously cool and i think any decision you take will be the best as along as your the one taking it ] [i wish i had answered this earlier so i couldve wish you good time on ur retreat but i hope it was good anyway💜💜💜💜💜💜💜]
man i need to like seriously cope up with my decisions cause i need to take an exam for my career which is seriously sooo..... but yea thats how its going
omg its raining here too and my college[which is seriously just a reformated jungle] turned into a swamp ish and they STILL didnt cancel classes. and i forgot my umbrella. i came back home like a sad wet cat .
gotta love that near-to-the-equator ass weather with climate change [i need to kill billionaires rn]
hope the strikes come to a fruitful end soon[for saf-aftra & iatse !!! fuck the amptp!!] but also i wouldnt mind waiting a couple years for btsv if the animators need that time to like animate in a safe and healthy manner yk
OH wait also im on my halloween movies watch rn!! just finished the addams family and watching paranorman rn [i need a gomez man btw. need him to be silly and obsessed and intense.and mwah]
[also if u wanna watch an indian series made in heaven is pretty cool(its okay-ish in terms of writing but it covers some very important social issues + the main leads are hot and dubious. what more do i need to watch a show)]
hobie kinda scratched a very specific itch in my brain like i want to be him AND kiss him , pavitr is so slay, and o'hara needs like a massage session thing where they unlock the trauma in ur knees or like a stamlo 50mg.
me & my friends fav fob lyrics was the 'how the mighty fall' cause we would do that "fall out...boi" intro everytime lol
i dont think i have a fave lyric but i think immortals was a top contender for reasons[i like big hero 6 :3]
Song rec: nothings new by rio romeo (saw it in a reels animatic and .. yea)
to many more yrs of late asks 🥂(appy juice cause i dont like the taste of alcohol)
my love and hopes to u💜💜💜 and also an umbrella for this weather☔
p.s. drink water/soup/iced tea + i care for u+ W in the chats
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#me venting to a bunch of people i dont even know the names of about my sister and general stuff about me#more likely than u think#also today i had to hold hands with some guy as he praued over me#and then go through the food pantry#and like i was 👌this close to a meltdown#and i have to stay with my kinda asshole parents bc i havent been able to stay at my house since the fucking 5th even though i paid $500#for rent and then i have to pay $400 on the 3rd bc ill be able to go back on the 1st and theres loterally nothing i can do about this#and my roommates literally are annoying all the fucking time like yelling and screaming at all hours blasting fucking music to where it#shakes my floor at all hours#so my best friend and i are trying to move out together but he doesnt habe a job yet so we cant#btw were currently both staying with our guardians rn but its awful for both of us and the room we Share is big enough for two twins#with about 3 ft between them and the dresser with the tv on it and like thats It#like this post if u read the whole thing please#also message me if u wanna talk
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more ranting abt welfare benefits hell
sorry for whining so much abt income on here, i know it should just be easy nd solveable by applying more for jobs, but the literal issue is that i have no skills or confidence (latter is according to my friend, but the way i cant envision handling any jobs well is jst the truth??) nd still havent gotten any help from the municipality w getting consulted by someone w more knowledge on the job market nd maybe being pushed to take on shitty jobs that at least perhaps pay better than mail delivery. it’s jst so frustrating how i requested welfare benefits over 4 months ago but it only counted since 3 months ago bc they kept fucking up w the requests, promised a payback for the lost month, but didnt, i believe?? now december we got nothing nd probably also january bc our ‘income was too high‘ for the minimum.
uh i side tracked nd forgot where i was going before, but i meant to say tht HALF A YEAR AGO i also requested help w getting help w jobs but bc bureaucratic bullshit it took until DECEMBER to get the help approved. and they would get me a contact person ‘surely before christmas, don’t worry!‘ and then they didn’t and replied they hadn’t forgotten about me and will surely help soon and i’m just. so fucking anxious about this all??
my parents help me financially w cash they gave (nd some of which came from my grandmas) (nd no im not happy w that bc one of them is doing worse financially but still wants to give it away, nd the other is dead nd my uncle gave her left over money to family which feels ironic bc hes a millionaire but only gives a bit from his dead mom??) so that i can buy groceries bc me and my friend’s paychecks + welfare benefits can only cover rent + food and so not also other bills such as for healthcare that i have to make payment plans for. and even w help w groceries i still end up in the negatives, especially last month bc we ‘made too much‘ to receive something. i dont even dare to sell clothing or anything online for money bc that’d only mean ‘income from hobbies’ they could see i have and thus more reason to get stripped from this too.
and that is just the whole issue!! the municipality runs all these checks and forms and calls and appointments and documents you need to hand in, but there is NO calculation determining what you actually need. instead, based on the type of household, we were categorized as fiscal partners without children who receive the benefits together and thus we receive benefits (in the months that we do) to add it up to the ‘living minimum‘ €1500 in total. this amount does not cover our actual expenses, nor does this match inflation or how social housing has been broken down as a system and that real estate owners can increase rent prices as much as they want. there is a monthly grant that tenants could receive for renting a home, but only if it is an apartment AND below 752,33 euros per month (which is when it is considered social housing, above that it’s the ‘free market‘), and that is just virtually impossible?? but we were not once asked if we can actually pay anything and the people meant to help us w benefits just don’t fucking get flex work contracts or how our income over a certain month is received way later in the month after that. like they have a stable job and just dont fucking get that it is not designed well for us.
i think my anxiety over this issue has gotten worse ever since the news came out that a dutch woman on benefits got a €7000 fine because her mom did groceries for her and that’s considered fraud??!! she couldn’t afford food so her mom bought groceries for her but that is also considered financial compensation and thus she got this huge fine, which she probably cannot afford and the fucked up thing w fines from institutions is that they ask interest over it if you don’t pay it in time or enough of it, and give more fines and even charge fees for something like you receiving a letter and they’re just free to pull this shit bc it’s a for-profit business. and that’s how ppl end up w debt and huge loans. it’s just so infuriating nd i really dont want a fine or lose the right to benefits. even though i prob wont get it for a while bc of my friend’s job that tends to make our incomes together reach just the ‘living minimum‘. i have this bill of €250 for adhd diagnosis, then monthly bills for meds that are €76 of which i can receive most back and ‘only’ need to pay €25 from it, then theres an orthodentist bill of around €92 bc i forget this insurance company still counts from back when i was w it the first time nd orthodontist stuff gets insured up to €1000 and that amount was used up like 10 years ago nd they still count like that despite me having had a different insurer in between.
i just need a stupid fcking job nd i hate to whine abt this bc theres so many ppl in much worse situations who ‘take initiative‘ nd start looking for jobs, but AGAIN i have no ‘basic’ skills like being able to listen and understand words well nd fast or show the right facial expressions or have good memory or dexterity or be able to answer difficult questions or focus on reading etc etc, nor do i i have an idea what job i should or could do.like i fcking need an income, moreover i need a break, im in this fcking burnout since like 2013 and in depression since at least 2004 lmfao but it’s never been recognized as bad enough by specialists bc im not suicidal, but it’s also not good to the point where i ever know if i felt ok. also just. i feel like i did use to have a bit more confidence in myself in high school but it all got sucked out of me in art college (bc horribly bigoted teachers + students and being taught that drawing well is in fact not at all important in the domestic market but rather being INNOVATIVE and NETWORKING and also COPYING is the way to success!! like not kidding, thats what teachers told us) nd by my parents (bc i became older nd didnt spontaneously do all these chores or jobs despite having no fcking clue how bc they never taught stuff). like i just dont know how ppl live comfortably w themselves and know what its like to be themselves nd not feel bad nd anxious abt everything
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My original caught story + what we did wrong + tips
Lots of you have been asking about my original caught story, and i realized i havent posted it yet so here it is.
Also it comes With what we did wrong, and what not to do. Read till end for useful info.
Also sorry for my english.
So this happened back in April 2018, An old friend of mine came to visit me hoping i will lift some clothes for her, we went to the mall quite early in the morning(mistake #1). Everything was closed and i was also hungover AS FUCK (mistake #2), we waited until the stores started opening then we went into H&M, took a bunch of clothes, there were literally 2 people in the store (mistake#3) we kept walking around the store like idiots and waiting until the lp leaves bc he was standing in front of the fitting rooms (mistake #4) when we got in i detagged and concealed everything except for a packaging from a phone case which had RFID in it so i tucked it into a pair of pants that i wasnt gonna lift or buy, i also put the tags from the other clothes on the pants and put them on the rack in front of the fitting rooms (mistake #5)
We then left normally, we didnt beep or anything, about 15 min later we went for a coffee near the H&M (mistake #6)and just saw two lps coming our way i just yelled at my friend to get the fuck out here fast (the entrance was about 20m from us ) but she stood up and started crying (mistake #7-more on that later)
The lps came to us and asked us to go with them, so we went back into the store with them(mistake #8)they searched our bags and found the stuff so the cops were called i was literally having a mental breakdown (i suffer from anxiety and depression)
Then the cops found the magnet which is a felony to even own. They told to call out parents to come pick us up and pay the fine. My parents are both dead so i called my grandma but my friends dad came before her and paid the fine for both of us. Of course the cops wanted to know more about tur magnet so i just said the magnet was borrowed from a girl that i have only met once and i dont know her name or anything. And they said if i wont give them the name of the girl that “borrowed” the magnet to me i will go to jail. I ended up with 12month probation. We then left and nothing happened i didnt get any calls or anything. But its on my record now.
So now to the mistakes:
#1 - Dont go lifting early in the morning when the stores are opening, they will pay much more attention to you. Ideal time is 13:00-18:00, we went in at 8:30
#2 - Dont go lifting if you’re not feeling well physically or mentally. I mean it, the headache i had that day was so bad i couldn’t properly focus on anything.
#3 - Dont lift if there are none or very few people in the store.
#4 - dont walk around the store for too long, lp will notice and follow you.
#5 - Dont leave packaging/ double tagged clothes in the rack in front of fitting rooms, bring them back to where you took it from.
#6 - This is only my personal tip - after you lift from one or two stores dump the stuff somewhere ideally if you have a car or you can sometimes rent lockers in the mall. Or hide it somewhere outside the mall in the bushes or something. If i did that they wouldnt find anything.
#7 - Dont ever go lifting with inexperienced people, even if they are your friends. They most likely dont know how to act in critical situations, I srsly mean this, let them go to the store and take pics of stuff they want and then go lift it.
#8 - I dont know if this applies to other countries but here if lp from one store follows you out of the store they cant detain you or make you go anywhere with them ( wish i knew that ) all they can do is call the mall security and only they can take you with them and search your bags.
Please stay safe and dont make any of these mistakes, the trouble you can get in is not worth any amount of clothes or makeup. There are many places to lift from but you only have one record, so keep it clean.
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Vent
First my dad fucking kicks me out of the house and changes the locks so I've been homeless. Not only that but I work hard af to pay my $500 student loan bill at the end of every month, but because of that I cant afford to pay rent anywhere. My dads reasoning for kicking me out is that I had already been out of school for 3 months and hadn't found another place to live (even tho I've been feeding myself and paying my own bills and havent asked my family for a single dime). After being homeless for a week my mom offers me to go to Puerto Rico for 1 week. I needed the vacation and to see family, plus I'm fucking homeless now so sure why not right? Turns out it was a conspiracy by my family to keep me in Puerto Rico. All my clothes are at my dads house, which considering my identity is largely found in my clothing as a punk rock trans woman that's been a drain. My mom just bought me a whole new wardrobe and is trying to convince me to cut my hair and find me work in Puerto Rico. The ticket was supposed to be round trip but my entire family is trying to convince me to stay longer than my return date.
All that being said, I have close to no friends in Puerto Rico, I dont have a car or a license so I have to rely on my family if I want to go anywhere, and my mom is trying to control the small coping mechanisms I do have (mainly smoking). I dont know how to explain to my family that I'm depressed, that I've been working hard, that just because I dont live up to their expectations doesnt mean I'm not trying hard enough, and that ultimately they're just making my life harder than it is. I'm not the biggest fan of beaches, my body is pale and skinny and being here just makes my insecurities worse. Even being homeless in NYC was better than having no freedom to do anything here in Puerto Rico. At least I could work for my own money, go wherever I want to, indulge in my coffee and cigarettes and weed, and see friends on a regular basis. Even though I struggle to find a roof to sleep under I have more resources to help my depression and my financial situation isnt dependent on the goodwill of my family. Now I just feel trapped. I have no idea how to have this conversation with them because they think they know what's best for me and that I dont know what I want for myself. And I dont know what I want for myself, but that doesnt mean I want what they have to offer either.
I'm not asking for money or anything, I just need my living situation to get better. My family is trying to condition me to be the exemplary child they want, but they're doing so against my will and it's just leading to some of the worst depression I've ever had. Not only that, but ive had serious health problems lately and I cant tell whether I'm sick bc I'm depressed or vice versa. Either way, if you read through all this please send love. I need it, I dont think I've ever felt so alone.
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dont message me about this please. I just need somewhere to dump it
I had a falling out with my best friend at the end of july and he completely cut off contact with me. i trusted him more than anybody in the world and there are no words to describe how much his friendship meant to me. the way this happened destroyed my sense of self-worth and I isolated myself from people and tried to fill that empty void with drinking and shitty eating habits (namely starving myself followed by binge eating). fell into a pretty bad depression and was constantly lethargic and unproductive. hated going out in public because I hated myself and didnt want to be seen.
suffered a death in the family at the end of august. this isnt something I cope with in a healthy way. especially during that period of time
started talking with my friend again in september but that didnt go very well either. still felt shitty about this every day, just having this constant nervousness and wanting to throw up and feeling like im carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, every day 24 hours a day. i had dreams about our situation all the time and it fucked me up. cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. developed a lot of trust issues from revelations that came out in the few discussions we had. we havent spoken in almost 2 months now. still really miss him but also still hurting over the things he said and did
2 weeks later, boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me when I got back from dreamhack. it wasnt really a surprise and there's no bad blood but was still a really hard adjustment. we had lived together since before we started dating.
we were splitting rent on a 1 bed apartment so now I have to pay for it myself. i dont really have the means to move. this fucked me over financially bc I was in the process of paying about 8000 dollars worth of debt accrued from when I was unemployed in 2014. so that's why none of you have really seen me since then, im saving money instead of going out to do things. this is also around when I decided to cut the drinking to prevent it from getting out of hand and decided to fix my eating habits, both of which are saving me money
met someone new in november who I got close to pretty quickly. he knew I was hurting from something, a lot of things, and helped me recover and was somehow over time able to convince me i didnt deserve any of what was going on. i started to believe it too. we spent a lot of time together and became very good friends.
around the same time i saw another friend have a falling out with his best friend and the way it got him down made me really angry. he didnt deserve to feel that poorly. this helped me realize that neither did i.
start of december, i fell mutually in love with the new friend. although it was just the beginning of the relationship, it was unprecedented in how genuinely loved I felt. we were supportive of each other in ways I didnt even know I could be. never enjoyed someone's company so much before or felt so totally safe telling them literally anything, and after I was having so much trouble and anxiety over opening up to anybody like that again, this was really really special that he could make me feel that way. especially considering the vulnerable state I was in, I tried to be cautious about getting this attached so quickly, but I decided to trust him. you kinda had to be there to understand just why I let myself feel this way despite it looking like a textbook mistake and me being well aware of that fact. he was thoughtful and respectful and considerate and was the most loving person i've ever known. we live a long distance apart and decided we'd take things slowly until we had the chance to spend some time together in person and discuss what our future looks like at that time. we spent a lot of time together calling each other around the holidays and never let a day (or an hour, really) go by without making the other feel loved and appreciated and worthwhile. for a christmas gift he contacted a lot of my friends and compiled a series of video and audio clips from all of them sending me kind words at the holidays to remind me that i'm loved. he really was a wonderful person.
being able to really believe that I didnt deserve to feel as badly as I had been since the summer, combined with falling in love again... I was finally something resembling happy again, I got my confidence back, I was energetic and productive and in an improved state of mind... not completely, things still hurt and I think they always will. but I was at least functioning. the wounds were still there and they were still fresh but I was at least starting to heal.
had to replace my pc because too much of my hardware was just not working anymore. that was a big financial setback I wasnt prepared for. my laptop mobo also broke so now I dont have one of those anymore. oh well. once im done paying off the last part of my debt im going to save up for a new one
start of january, one of my closest friends goes radio silent and unresponsive to texts and calls for over a week. i was a fucking mess worrying about him. (we hung out a few days ago but at the time holy shit)
my coworker at my job (the only other dev on my team) is leaving, so I have to learn a ton of new stuff and also train who we hire next, and im pretty stressed out about that on top of the status of my current major project
i didnt go to agdq this year, but that entire week was rough. wanted to stay off social media and stuff to not be reminded of it but this is where all my connections are and I need to work on shit. I spent a lot of last agdq making good memories with the friend i had the falling out with and thinking back to that just makes me really sad now.
was finally starting to enjoy streaming again and I injured my hand recently and cant use it to use a dpad or joystick, so now im not doing that either. it got infected pretty badly and ive been worried about that for a while, but it's healing up now. hopefully ill return soon. also having numerous other alarming things happen healthwise that are too TMI for here but... yeah
last week the guy i loved dumped me. not going to go into detail on this but i feel very very slighted by how he chose to do it. it had only been a month but im pretty messed up and blindsided by it. despite the short length I can't remember the last time I had any kind of interpersonal relationship that was so emotionally fulfilling. i still don't really understand. being around him hurt so much that I left my favourite discord server where a lot of my close friends are cause he's in there too. i miss being in there so much but i just cant do it
on saturday I got the news that one of my friends from the smash 64 community passed away unexpectedly. i went to the visitation on sunday. it still doesn't feel real.
i dont want to talk about it, I dont want any offers to talk about it, I dont want to relive it, I dont want to think about it, and especially especially I d o n t w a n t t o t a l k a b o u t i t. just getting it out there bc I feel kinda overwhelmed atm from everything. i just wanna focus on doing the things I need to get done to keep my mind occupied. i want my best friend back, i want the person I love back, i want my friend to come back to life. there's nothing else that can be done for me
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like my gf is upset we dont get to go on vacations all the time but half the ppl always talking abt going on vacations dont even need to pay rent or any bills themselves ofc they can afford to go on vacations whenever lmfaooo i wish ppl would just be fuckin considerate and not mention how they can afford these things when everything else is just handed to them like lol ofc u can afford it u dont have to pay for Anything Else
meanwhile i cant even afford basic shit like insurance or even my meds (havent had any since august lmao lmao) bc i have to pay rent and bills from my own pocket from the money i earned either through art drawing 8 hrs a day that i have to shortsale myself on or through delivery bullshit where i dont even get tipped 95% of the time. its not like im not trying to make shit better im working my ass off just to afford very very basic shit fuck i havent even been able to see a therapist since july LOL i cant even afford $10 to see a therapist its therapist or food guess which one i choose
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one week since u looked at me
James and LIly fight and it’s 100% the other person’s fault, and everyone is just a little bit unhinged.
3371 Words
For @expressopatronum, who requested a jily fic based on the Barenaked Ladies song. :D
tues.
James Potter to M8S B4 D8S: well. Fuck.
James Potter: im broken up
James Potter: literally
James Potter: and metaphorically
James Potter: and every other kind of shitty ally tbh
James Potter: hello?????
James Potter: im in Crisis here
Peter Pettigrew: we know, mate. You ok?
James Potter: how??
Peter Pettigrew: well…
James Potter: she texted u???
Remus Lupin: she texted me
Peter Pettigrew: then he told us
Remus Lupin: wtf, Prongs
James Potter: u believe her???
Remus Lupin: didn’t say that, mate. Just a weird situation, yeah??
James Potter: Weird = shitty, then yea. her fault tho for being so dramatic!! And do u arseholes have a group chat w/out me???
Sirius Black: nah. y would we do smth like that to u prongs. go chill @ mine. AND i for one am being a good mate and withholding judgment. (except on evans cos shes clearly at fault here)
James Potter: damn straight she is. 100%!!! and im already @ urs, actually. where r u tho?
Sirius Black: alcohol
James Potter: Good Man
Remus Lupin: I’m getting pizza
James Potter: don’t bother?? never eating again
James Potter: PS no more talking to evans unless its for espionage
Peter Pettigrew: this should be fun
- - -
James Potter to Not Lovely Lily: ready for ur apology, like, whenever, babe
James Potter: no?
James Potter: sirius’s sofa is super fucking cosy, btw
James Potter: PS whatever the current differences between us, pls dont stoop so low as to eat Mums biscuits
wed.
Lily Evans to StupidHair BigMouth: the biscuits were fucking delicious.
James Potter: WOW
- - -
Sirius Black to squatter potter: BABE. u know i theoretically want to be sympathetic to ur emo angst. or whatever. but y the FUCK r u watching x-files at half volume at 3:37 fucking am
James Potter: go back to sleep??
Sirius Black: fucking difficult w the light coming in under my door
Sirius Black: AND u mess up my recs w that shit
James Potter: ill tell pete u think x-files is shit
James Potter: PS dana Scully is /not shit
Sirius Black: the redhead???
Sirius Black: fuckall, prongs, if ur watching the show bc she has red hair
James Potter: im NOT. watching bc it’s a Good show.
Sirius Black: is not
James Potter: it holds up!!
Sirius Black: fine. im not arguing w u bc u cant take the blow of being wrong. i get it. but if u wank to sculley on my sofa, potter, ill end you.
James Potter: u wldnt
Sirius Black: imported velvet. vintage. custom ticking. turned legs. u know how i feel abt that lounge, Babe.
James Potter: /i wldnt
Sirius Black: …
James Potter: k. ill stop
Sirius Black: damn straight. uve been broken up for a day??
James Potter: 31.25 hrs. n we ARENT broken up
Sirius Potter: whatever. make up with evans or im kicking you out
James Potter: what happened to being a good mate????
Sirius Black: making up w evans is whats good for u
James Potter: u know its not that simple.
Sirius Black: if ur waiting for me to ask u WHY its not simple….dont. shldve done that when lupin was here.
James Potter: i /did. i still need to process tho.
Sirius Black: process alone, w the volume below 12 & ur prick IN your pants!
Sirius Black: and reset xfiles to s6e4
- - -
James Potter to #1 MUM <333: mum…you up?
Euphemia Potter: no
James Potter: …wow
James Potter: Good to know whose side ur on???
Euphemia Potter: I’m staying neutral.
James Potter: can you at least make me more biscuits?
Euphemia Potter: no. I gave her permission to eat them.
James Potter: p sure that’s taking sides!!!
James Potter: are u talking to her right now???
Euphemia Potter: Her mother has passed, dear. She relies on me for situations like this.
James Potter: WOW
Euphemia Potter: weren’t you just here asking for your grandmother’s engagement ring last week?
James Potter: yes!!
Euphemia Potter: Perhaps you should come over for breakfast tomorrow.
James Potter: no
James Potter: …ill think about it
- - -
Sirius Black to squatter potter: DID I JUST HEAR U FUCKING GROAN
thurs.
James Potter to Babe: listen…sorry abt the sofa thing
James Potter: maybe outta line a bit. I wont watch xfiles tonight tho
James Potter: i can come over tonight, right???
Sirius Black: imported vintage italian velvet lounges b4 m8s
- - -
James Potter to sailor moony: and fuck, like. she deadass looked at me and said ‘im angry’ what does that even mean??? How can she be angry at an accident??
Remus Lupin: Prongs. uve told me this 12 times
James Potter: seven. my soul splits every time I tell it, so id know
James Potter: fuck
James Potter: LUPIN
James Potter: if u dont answer ill stop supplying ur Weetabix Habit
Remus Lupin: You wouldn’t. You know why??? its 3 in the morning. I didn’t sleep bc two nights ago u were making us listed to the Lily Playlist. Last night Padfoot wldnt stop texting me abt u watching x-files (???) and tonight…I NEED SLEEP
James Potter: ur right. im not heartless.
James Potter: unlike evans
James Potter: i /am desperate tho
James Potter: if u answer, i wont come over and bug u in person.
Remus Lupin: Deal. So what else did she say?
James Potter: thats it!
Remus Lupin: normal voice, or scary quiet rage voice?
James Potter: wld i be texting u @3am if it was the normal one?
Remus Lupin: fair point…just surprised that’s all she said, considering you killed her pet
James Potter: first mum, now u?? i went to breakfast w/ her this morning and she AMUSHED ME!! ddnt even make bacon! a two hr lecture and No Bacon.
James Potter: over a fish! Remus Lupin: lily’s fish. which u killed.
James Potter: it was a tragic, unavoidable accident!!
James Potter: ac·ci·dent 1. an unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally, typically resulting in damage or injury. google does not lie.
James Potter: anyway thts what i get for doing Chores and trying to help around the flat
James Potter: i can feel ur disapproval, lupin
James Potter: she LOATHED that fish. she called it fish! how attached can u rlly be against smth u havent named. petunia pawned it off on her! she made Flushing jokes on the regular?? rly… was doing her a favor
Remus Lupin: please for the love of god tell me u didn’t tell her that
James Potter: which part
Remus Lupin: all of it. Any of it.
James Potter: well.
Remus Lupin: fuck
James Potter: so can i come over?
Remus Lupin: …
James Potter: can i come in?
Remus Lupin: where are you?
James Potter: ur front steps
James Potter: i need Emotional Support, lupin
Remus Lupin: fine
fri.
James Potter to grlFIEND: still cant believe you tackled me to the ground this afternoon??? I should report u??
Lily Evans: I should report you??? trespassing? it’s how I’d treat any common burglar!
James Potter: 1. u know I’d be an Excellent burglar. don’t be harsh.
James Potter: 2. its not trespassing when i pay ½ rent
Lily Evans: Technically yes, but morally??? NOT ur flat
James Potter: you know how skeevy my teeth feel w/out my water flosser? which i still don’t have btw??
Lily Evans: I was so mad I threw ur attachments out, so
James Potter: Wow
James Potter: my rug burns are FINE, btw
Lily Evans: I had to buy a black dress, sew a veil, host a FUNERAL, write a EULOGY, send petunia a video of the whole thing, and ur whining about rug burns and a water flosser??? Lmao ok.
James Potter: lmao IM the dramatic one? OK
Lily Evans: Read 1:35:10 AM
James Potter: u actually have to, like, turn on the function for it to be a burn
Lily Evans: Read 1:36:14 AM
James Potter: …
Lily Evans: Read 1:36:25 AM
- - -
James Potter to Babe: u talking to me yet???
James Potter: it was an Accident
Sirius Black: Read 1:45:15 AM
Sirius Black: go to petes
- - -
James Potter: to pumpkin eater: PETE. My dude.
Peter Pettigrew: no.
James Potter: listen. black + lupin have fallen into dishonor
Peter Pettigrew: they haven’t
James Potter: they HAVE in collusion w/ one another and on their own, betrayed and disowned me. whts Dishonor if not that??
Peter Pettigrew: sirius told me u were wanking on his velvet sofa
James Potter: SCULLEY
Peter Pettigrew: i get it, but u know how he feels about that. second only to his motorbike.
James Potter: …
Peter Pettigrew: and u, ofc.
James Potter: he and remus both think x-files is shit
Peter Pettigrew: fuckers
James Potter: so can i come over?
Peter Pettigrew: go HOME, prongs. to ur girlfriend.
James Potter: p sure she dumped me???
Peter Pettigrew: 1. she LOVES ur fucking face. she nearly snogged it off in FRONT OF ME just last week?? shes just as miserable as u are.
Peter Pettigrew: 2. I live w/ my mum
Peter Pettigrew: 3. U rlly have a wanking problem.
Peter Pettigrew: 4. My mum has never seen a penis and I wont let the first one she sees be URS
James Potter: idk how to tell u this, pete, but shes a MUM, so…shes had kids…
James Potter: we can smoke
Peter Pettigrew: come in thru the back
- - -
James Potter to sailor moony: fuck
Remus Lupin: …you know my name isn’t actually ‘fuck’ … right?
James Potter: Remus. Fuck.
Remus Lupin: isn’t pete watching you?
James Potter: he passed out.
Remus Lupin: dammit. where are you now??
James Potter: in a tree. like…u want to do a thought experiment with me?
Remus Lupin: …
James Potter: sorry, shldnt have phrased that as a question. Emotional Support.
Remus Lupin: you aren’t allowed to use that anymore.
James Potter: k, so like, if a person, however well-intentioned, right? like if they did something that hurt someone else. even if they didn’t Mean to. like maybe it’d be decent of them to say sorry??
Remus Lupin: you think???
James Potter: yea
James Potter: i mean…im Not saying that person shld. cos shes still bang out of order w/ the toothbrush. + the biscuits. + poisoning u and my mum against me.
James Potter: *their mate and their mum against them
Remus Lupin: you were saying…about the thought experiment?
James Potter: oh, like, well that person might owe the other person an apology
James Potter: *might. maybe. like 5% maybe
Remus Lupin: i would agree, but more like 95%
James Potter: just smth to Think about. Ya know??
James Potter: OK, heres the thing. its not hypothetical. talking abt evans ofc. cos like, i laughed, right? at her. while shes…crying. But!!! i smiled because it is kind of fucking funny??? shes overreacting + SOBBING. but, like, also cos shes so Cute and she did that elbow thing she always does when shes mad?? cannot convey how cute she was!! its so funny? that was, like, sure, the Wrong thing to do, because it just set her off More, and. ANYWAY, I could kind of…maybe…see how she would be upset by my laughing. or think I was laughing at her pain when really it was her anger. which doesn’t Sound like a good distinction, but it is a Solid distinction. ANYWAY, like, u know I have No Poker face, right?
Remus Lupin: you do wear your heart on you sleeve
James Potter: we both know ive a LONG history of taking off my shirt
Remus Lupin: really? you, james fleamont potter, have a history of overreacting and making poor decisions and have impulse control problems? i had no. fucking. idea. completely shocked.
James Potter: imma ignore that u used my middle name + the bit abt the impulse control
Remus Lupin: apologize to her??
Remus Lupin: actually…get your thoughts together a little bit more than this, maybe? then apologize
James Potter: gotta figure how to get down from this tree first
James Potter: thx for the talk lupin
Remus Lupin: night, prongs
sat.
James Potter to Maybe Lovely Lily: can I come home yet???
Lily Evans: lmao
Lily Evans: when u get ur shite together, yeah?
James Potter: u have all of my shite at OUR flat???
Lily Evans: delivered it to remus
- - -
James Potter to lupin, fuck: u have my stuff????
Remus Lupin: this pile of shite in my living room? yes.
Remus Lupin: come collect immediately pls.
James Potter: shove it in the spare closet
Remus Lupin: spare closet is full of pete’s contraband he doesn’t want his mum to see.
James Potter: right. well, go through and take what you want as payment.
Remus Lupin: already did. btw why do you have a sumo suit?
James Potter: she brought over the sumo suit???
Remus Lupin: yes.
James Potter: FUCKING WOW
James Potter: btw…how did she look? what all did she say? (not that I care!!!) but is she despondent w/out? dark circles? facial blemishes b/c she’s been too distracted to adhere to her rigorous skincare regime? did she even have the energy to contour??
Remus Lupin: she looked ok .
James Potter: whts that mean
Remus Lupin: i mean she looked fine.
James Potter: no tear tracks?
Remus Lupin: no.
James Potter: damn
Remus Lupin: she didn’t look great though? honestly, prongs, i think she’s just waiting for you to apologize.
James Potter: not a chance????
Remus Lupin: dammit. you were almost there last night
James Potter: ????
Remus Lupin: the thought experiment?
James Potter: i got high with pete last night
Remus Lupin: should’ve known.
James Potter: and I might have, except she gave back the sumo suit which is an act of war????
Remus Lupin: james…do not blow this…more out of proportion. ok?
James Potter: id never
Remus Lupin: BLOCKED
- - -
James Potter to #1 MUM: can i at least have the biscuit recipe???
Euphemia Potter: sent
- - -
James Potter to DEFO NOT LOVELY LILY: the sumo suit??? really???? u know how to cut deep, evans
James Potter: i thought this was going to blow over quickly but apparently no???
James Potter: PS I hope u like The Pic I posted on Instagram (dnt pretend like u arnt stalking me)
Lily Evans: u wldnt
James Potter: …already did
Lily Evans: btw I had to throw ur fave Tupperware away. contaminated w/ dead fish germs.
Lily Evans: like, I almost kept it and dint tell you, but my Conscience (a lil voice that tells u right from wrong) smote me, so….
James Potter: W O W. you kept a dead body in my fave Tupperware???? the one that keeps my soup warm???
Lily Evans: Read 11:13:09 PM
- - -
James Potter to Pete McGeet: listen: Chickity China the Chinese chicken
James Potter: and u…have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin’
James Potter: or smth
James Potter: anyway…wanna go to KFC???
Peter Pettigrew: what in the ever loving hell, prongs
James Potter: i think im cracking up
James Potter: defo pissed.
Peter Pettigrew: its sad. And a little bit pathetic.
James Potter: pathetic enough to stay at urs again tonight??? U know abt the others. And Mom wont let me on account of the principle.
Peter Pettigrew: if u bring KFC, yes
James Potter: me + the colonel are in a taxi now…
sun.
James Potter to Rude Remus: MATE
James Potter: got a burner phone
James Potter: PS imma pretend u ddnt block me
James Potter: anyway coming to go through my stuff, ok?
James Potter: Promise ill avoid ur sofa
Remus Lupin: sure thing.
- - -
James Potter to Lovely Lily: babe
James Potter: see u typing. u can pull that Read shit or whatever, but, like, I was sorting thru my stuff @ remus’s??? + I shldve done it yesterday….
James Potter: (dont tell him was here PLS bc hes pissed at me abt smth stupid)
James Potter: ANYWAY underneath the sumo suit – nice diversion btw, that super pissed me off – was a pack of brand new flosser attachments. + my flosser. u even rinsed it???
James Potter: like, Thanks
James Potter: coming home bc u obviously dnt Hate Me Eternally like u said before
Lily Evans: i never said that! v frustrated w/ u but i don’t Hate u.
Lily Evans: listen. I know uve wanked (and cried??? oh yes. Pete told me.) urself out of all your friends’ good graces, so
Lily Evans: u can come back to the flat
Lily Evans: its, like, on a conditional basis
Lily Evans: we aren’t shagging
Lily Evans: u live on the couch
James Potter: we have a guest room???
Lily Evans: couch or bust
Lily Evans: you can use the guest bath tho
Lily Evans: and the kitchen…if you cook enough for me, too
James Potter: cool
Lily Evans: cool
- - -
James Potter to M8S B4 D8S: fuck yessssssssssss
James Potter: have won!
James Potter: maybe technically it started as my fault? like 15%
James Potter: shes all but apologized!
James Potter: not formally ofc, but i know what she meant
James Potter: knew if I held out long enough, shed come around
James Potter: lupin…have been living in ur car btw….i owe u for crisps detailing
Remus Lupin: ew. Happy for u prongs. Gtfo of my car.
Peter Pettigrew: go home n wait for her to apologize
Sirius Black: wait before u apologize tho 2
James Potter: obvs (+ sorry abt ur velvet sofa Babe. ill pay to get it cleaned)
Remus Lupin: literally going to murder u all
mon.
James Potter to #1 MUM: I know ur asleep, but I made u middle of the night biscuits.
James Potter: they r UTTER shit but I did Try
James Potter: thing is…u might have been a little (tiny bit!!) right about some of the things you said. Maybe.
James Potter: anyway, am Home and will probably apologize to lily…soon
James Potter: and i love u and sorry i was so pissy abt no bacon
- - -
James Potter to Lovely Lily: evans
Lily Evans: potter.
Lily Evans: how did u sleep?
James Potter: ok. u?
Lily Evans: meh
James Potter: i know id mentally said i wldnt do this for another day, on Principle, but Mum guilted me into it even tho she is still sleeping. Except she has a Point. So heres the thing ….
James Potter: and also moony said…
James Potter: i kind of, like,
James Potter: its like this, lil…
James Potter: well
Lily Evans: jfc babe don’t strain yourself, yea?
James Potter: u know what im saying tho
Lily Evans: i do
Lily Evans: and same. (ish.))))
Lily Evans: it’s like this, james. i….
Lily Evans: fuck
Lily Evans: we rlly have to get better @ this.
Lily Evans: I KNOW it was an accident. and also, like, I sort of apparently overloaded the aquarium power cord in the first place w my hair dryer??? so…yeah
James Potter: fuck
Lily Evans: yeah….and I shouldn’t have, like, tackled u
James Potter: it wldve been hot if not for the rug burns
James Potter: and also i was insensitive w/ the laughing thing
Lily Evans: wait!! We hve to STOP
Lily Evans: can u not apologize yet. not fully to the point where I want to bone u??
James Potter: ….was kind of on a roll here tho
Lily Evans: yeah but we have to stop
James Potter: y???
Lily Evans: the longer we fight..the better the make-up sex is going to be, yea? science
James Potter: tru…but id argue good make-up sex now is better than Great, theoretical make-up sex
Lily Evans: that WLD be true, but i, like, ordered something online…
James Potter: something. or. like. Something.
Lily Evans: the Something u had bookmarked in ur private amazon wishlist hoping I’d find it
James Potter: stalker
James Potter: i love u….but i still think we should make up properly????
Lily Evans: no!!!! it’ll be here on Friday.
James Potter: i got u a new fish & everything!! named him eddie.
Lily Evans: nice!! but u know i hate fish. sold the aquarium to pay for the Something.
James Potter: well. Fuck.
Lily Evans: love you too
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get on your shit
i was going to title this "get back on your shit." but then i realized i was never actually on my shit. senior yr ('18) i had a bestfriend, boyfriend, a job i liked, music, car rides, friends i liked, flowers, & laughter. literally after graduation things started going downhill. i quit my job with no other job to fall back on, me and my bestfriend became so distant, i hate my ex (but the d sweeeetie), i was in college but that didnt go well for me at all. i never missed days in hs so when i got to college i was like, "class? WHO DAT?? LMAOOOO im going back2sleeeep!!" or i would hang out with my no good besties and smoke our crybaby feelings away. college was confusing to me...the first time im in school & im not walking with my bitches. i didnt know anyone i saw a new face every time i went to class. nothing was familiar. in every part of my life. being at home felt wierd after i got kicked out the first time, never talked about how that affected me. i know she was trying to teach me a lesson but i think she traumatized me instead. then, as always, i had to go to school and be as if nothing happened. go home and everythings fine or shes still talking shit to the max for no reason. home life really does affect how you do in school. i say 60% of the reason im not in one of the best HBCUs rn is bc my mom was mean and abusive& her husand a bitch ass. 40% is on me bc i couldve changed my school situation AND my
attitude. i was scared back then...getting out of it. npt to mention my friends had heavy things on them too. weed and being with my homegirls really helped me feel better, but what does it look like to your mom when the only thing youre doing is smoking with your friend when you dont have, havent did ur hw, room is dirty, cant drive this car til u get a job. wouldnt tell them what was "going on" bc i dont have that relationship with them and God forgive me but i dont trust them. i love my mom too my step dad he ok but thats my mom i love her. i stopped smoking though. and in that time i realized that weed
gave me a false security. like i aint have a job and doing bad in school. i always had 1 thing out of the 5 things i wanted to have for myself. job w no money, money from a job but no life, no job but i had a life.
one point i had a good job, going to school, nice car no money towards. but i was so upset w my mom bc i stopped smoking and being w my friends so she could stop giving me shit and i wanted to move upstairs even suggested paying rent JUST SO she wouldnt be able to come in between me and my life. i never moved upstairs. honestly i think it wouldve been good for me.
enough space for just me, privacy and seperation from them while still being with them, it wouldve taught me responsibility about paying bills on time and getting shit on my owm. but it was no to that. stayed in that little ass room. but atleast i had my own fucking room. instead of sharing w a 6 yr old whose just ass messy as me but more :). i deserve my own room like wtf lmaooooooooo GODS PLAAAN. its crazy cause now at the end of 2019 thats all i want. but what i have accomplished is moving away from my hometown. i broke shit up moving to dallas the way i did. i love making a mess and not cleaning up the pieces but this time unfortunately i did have a lil mess to clean. this time im getting on my shit. good job, in school, own car, saving money, time for myself and friends&family. to anyone reading this i hope you achieve all the goals you have set in 2020.
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You've had so many things happen to you in just the last couple of weeks! Annoying things that seem to all have led to good things. You're doing amazing rn. Much love!
thank you so much, it was so nice of you to send this 😪💐💕
yeah, i know, there have been some Things happening lately and i’ve been trying really hard to cling to them and let them motivate me to maintain that momentum. i guess its just something i find really difficult to express, that like these things happen and they’re good things, or just busy things, but they feel so empty because of the lack of genuine connection in my life
the move is exciting and i’ve been wanting to live in my own nice one bedroom apartment since forever, but even now i’m just struggling to find the motivation for anything w it. i should have had most of my stuff packed yesterday but i still haven’t done any of it because i just wish i had other people to share it with. and i think about the move and as exciting as it is theres a part of me thats like. what? you’re gonna be lonely and miserable just in a different location? it’s not like i have anyone to invite over or any reason to be excited. and im just worried about the money because my rent is doubled now and i have to pay so much money to buy furniture and appliances straight up and i need to find a shitty job that ill hate to fund this life bc i have no skills and im gna burn out kjsf. i feel like im just digging myself into a hole that i can’t get out of, and the pay off feels small. like i wont be able to travel now and doing that is like the only thing that keeps me sane and replenishes me enough to deal w my hell life lkjsf so im just like ! panicked about the whole thing more than excited and feel like im just making bad decisions.
and school is cool but again its just empty. everyone i go to class w and my crew just feel like acquaintances. its all very stressful and so much work to pull stuff like this together and without having people close to me to tell about it, its easy to feel like it’s all just a lot of hard work for barely any reward. or with film the reward definitely comes a long time down the track and its hard to know if it will be a reward when you’re waist deep in 5 million things to do that could go wrong and doubting your creative vision and a million other things. its just really hard to self motivate through this process bc of how much work it is, especially when im already just so depressed and lacking energy and have no fun things to do to take the edge off lkjsf
idk i just slip into depression about this stuff so easily because i spend 98% of my free time alone marinating in my sadness and cant distract myself from it. if i had ppl in my life... just to like, do the bare minimum with. go out to drinks or coffee or go hiking or plan things/just talk to,,, and if i felt like,,, a shred of tenderness,, or connection,,, or like im a part of something or matter or can just like... have fun ! idk i havent had fun in like over 6 months fuck. maybe it would all feel more worthwhile and that life isnt just a big joke and that any accomplishment/changes are hollow af bc i never experience happiness or do anything
idk i always find it super hard to express that feeling but its lonely and im sad and literally everything about life has lost its shine bc im just so alone and unhappy and yearning for connection lkjsfkj c’est la vie
thank u though i appreciate you a lot
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thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me
idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time
anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings:
1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march
1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on
2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school
2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours.
2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh
okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart
3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess.
anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant.
4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it. and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold.
that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks.
also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves, no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example.
anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel.
anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)
side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit.
anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth
#rant time#bc i guess i need to vent out my feelings that are just annoyingly complex and i cant actually deal with them#aka i hate myself#but not like actively or aggressively#i prefer not think i exist but thats not even covered up above#just bullshit#dont read if youd like to keep your day being nice
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my first entry
all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness
Im watching queer eye.
SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)
I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old
and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.
what i do know is
I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.
I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)
i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.
My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.
i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.
i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.
I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with.
I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.
i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.
but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life
I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.
I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender.
I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.
i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.
I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.
I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.”
I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.
I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.
I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.
I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me
I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.
I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.
i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.
i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.
i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.
if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds
i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.
i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.
if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.
I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself.
idk what this was but its on the internet
-GE
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long.. complaint post essentially
id say rant but its less anger than just.. despair i guess
oh god i feel at this moment.... very hopeless
ive just kinda been frozen since i got home,,, talked some, ate dinner, etc... but there is so much i need to get done but i {feel i} cant do until i finish one thing in particular...... like so many rows stacked up in tetris that all get cleared with the one block that fits them all...
i mean perhaps nobody thinks its that big a deal,,, idk......... i just feel like i cant breath... literally it feels like my chest is a bit tight just thinking of all this shit stressing me... like once i finally get one thing done turns out its not done and i had 10 more things to do as well... i feel that in the time it takes for me to take one step, i’m pushed back like 20 paces....
you know when you have so much stressing you that you play games or just fucking fill your mind with static to pretend nothing is wrong?? you waste time having fun while the stress just looms next to you all day every day?? thats like my usual state of being.... and here is the other end.. where things come crashing down, and im panicking, and im frozen because i can never solve things, i have to find an order in the chaos, and at this point everything immidiately turns negative and i wonder why im even alive rn...
i like that ive written this much and still remained so vague.......... SIGH
uh lets see i mean its mostly all just financial shit
the biggest block rn is the fucking gym... gee am i getting so damn sick of this shit.... i am ready to sccream over this fucking gym...... ive been trying to quit almost since ive started... i FINALLY send the shit i need to on time..... and they didnt do it???? so i need to call them tomorrow asking why they havent drafted the quitting fee, and im sure theyll ask if i did the fucking secure mail where i get notified when they recieve it, and no i didnt bc i dont have money, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse reason why i cant quit still, and at that point ill want to scream and cry, i fucking wish that could solve my problem??? why cant i be like my dad who yells at the customer service people on the phone till they solve everything for free???? why cant i ask that of him now?? thoughts like these... who let me be an adult, how will i not get fucked out of shit because im a fucking pushover who just wants to please everyone and be polite.....
then lets see.......... the student loans..... the big issue with this... i mean 50 bucks a month starting in october... i mean we will fucking see if i have the money... considering im already drowning now, i fucking doubt, but my biggest concern is the logistics... what amount am i paying back? how do i know that its set up to draft out of my account??? questions i dont want to ask anyone because i’ll feel like a fucking idiot and i’ll just cry about it instead pls.... so i’ll just rot till october tyvm...
and what else... my biggest fear is the combination of these two, that i cant quit the gym and im paying like 75 fucking bucks a month for two things that have made my life nothing but hell...
but i think the other biggest stressor is the small shit adding up rn... for like 2+ months (i havent really counted but i know its been a long time now) my phone isnt working without a charger.... and to even get it replaced for a working model is like 75 bucks.. id buy some shit phone but thats 20 bucks that can be spent towards surviving... like, see above bills.... oh and id switch to an old phone of mine to even ask if thats possible would fucking cost money bc metro pcs wont answer shit without seeing money first ugh.. its made all communication and leisure time way more difficult as im chained to the wall and only a few short times a day for either.... so setting aside that, ill just fucking pray for that for christmas orz
the other “small shit”...... oil needs to be changed on the car,,, means i have to find some time to buy oil, figure out what fucking oil to buy, where to buuy, if i have the money, etc... communicate with coworker friend and get a day we both have off so her friend?? can change my oil for me for free, bless.... but thats not even possible till i get back from my vacation.... so a week or two..... then we have the registration sticker that needs to be updated before september,,,, 80 to 85 bucks my dad said... that obv cant be updated with a code on my car so again, it has to wait a couple weeks... even driving with a code on my car gives me such anxiety...
so moving on to.... i guess the tiny shit that isnt as big problems but only have become such because im mega stressed..... thought i had finished the laundry... found another bag orz... apartment much more disorganized than i thought.. you know how order in the home gives a certain peace of mind.... and vise versa.... bf and i are fucking depressed and at least i want pills but that is a faraway dream rn, booking a fucking appointment, much less having $$ for a perscription????? trying to work out then losing motivation so quickly as always... but because i want to dedicate my energy towards cleaning this place... which just somehow never happens.... just never seeing a way to save money??? ive been so damn frugal and i still cant pay my bills and here i am with more bills, meanwhile my dad posting his stupid fucking bullshit on facebook about “choose happiness” like money doesnt have a fucking say in the matter.... and all the low self esteem and negative thoughts that accompany all this situation... wanting to “do something nice because ive been having a hard life/week” and then still feeling like shit, or feeling guilty for having spent anything then complaining about money...
i guess last thing i wanted to touch on..... the vacation... bfs mom takes me with them on their family vacations.... honestly i feel like the goth in the prep family? like im too much drama to make them happy.. ive been pretty open with her about my feelings towards my dad and stepmom, mostly bc she is super giving and nice and agrees with me against them.. and recently ive been more open, like about my depression even... and like... she even said she would get me a scrip... like....... i just.. this kind of thing, the vacations, the covering my half of rent, even while she doesnt have a job rn (she is rich but tighter on $$ now so) but i feel so guilty accepting it.. like if i justify it, then arent i being too greedy?? but i literally cant refuse it, or i’d be on the street right now so..... but i just feel like she owns me... if i were her daughter i think id be more okay but like... if john and i break up she put like, thousands into SOME CHICK.... i feel like in the far future i’ll need to write her a check too;; i told bf i wasnt rly feeling the vacation... of course because of the neverending drama surrounding me (yeah yeah im not saying drama is drawn to me, yeah i create it okay) this will just kinda strain more the relationship and they’ll all think i have some issue with them or smth that i gotta ruin every family trip... so i’ll just go.. but like... self esteem is out the window, so i wont want any pics.. i doubt bf will either, we both have gained so much weight, and i have perma acne that gets worse by the day, and i cant even afford to get my hair cut or colored again so its just this grown out mess.... then in the other respect of a vacation... i think ill just be worried the whole time about my finances... i mean i wont be able to spend money on anything so -shrugs- i get to just look at a bunch of nice things, thinking “i wish” or feel the guilt of her wanting to get it for me.... oh god yeah and same things w my friends.... i want to hang with them?? but i dont have money for shit??? and every time they pay for smth i die inside bc when will i even be able to pay them back its the same thing but theyre poor TT
anyways i guess thats most of it..... i guess im feeling tired maybe ill just pass out watching some youtube videos.... i was wanting to get a drawing done but ~*the cycle of feeling like shit*~ will occur worse then...
#negative#long post#dont read#sorry i exist#i wish i didnt too#the shit thing is even writing this out and posting im like...#its like there is two of me and one is saying you just want attention.. you want pity. you want money.#well fuck i want happiness but ill get what i can i guess
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