#but also i dont think it has to be a queer experience in the same way being gay or trans IS inherently a queer experience
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but nothing's fair, at least for me -mp100
Tome couldn’t focus.
Her eyes glazed over and the words on the worksheet in front of her swam. Through the cotton in her brain, she registered the droning voice of her teacher. He waved around a textbook– probably recounting some historical event she couldn’t care less about.
Tome glanced around the room, resting her chin in the palm of her hand. Her classmates were in similar states of boredom; each face slack and tired. A few students were even asleep at their desks. Her gaze wandered to the handful of interesting faces she recognised– girls she found herself getting hung up on, despite the fact she was sure they didn’t even know she existed. And if they did, the impression she gave was an unflattering one. Between mind numbing classes and having to force herself to care about boys when the topic sprung up, all Tome wanted to talk about with the other girls in her class was the things she was passionate about. Of course, whenever she brought up aliens, telepaths, spirits and all other manners of the supernatural and felt herself finally engage with the conversation, everyone else disengaged. And soon, she was sitting in on another discussion about a celebrity who she had never heard of. Tome blew out a heavy sigh, ruffling her choppy bangs.
Now in her first year in highschool, Tome found herself friendless, clubless, and most depressingly– girlfriendless. Of course, it’s not like she could date in the first place– she didn’t know any other sapphics in the whole school, let alone her small social circle.
Sometimes, she let herself linger on random pretty girls in her classes. In times like these, she would abandon her school work and daydream about them. Maybe it wasn’t the best to lose herself in these elaborate scenarios, but she felt so under stimulated at school now, she found herself in her own head time and time again.
It was surreal– the idea that she could write love letters and confess her feelings with nothing more than a broken heart. She imagined walking hand-in-hand with the blond girl a few seats ahead of her; or taking the girl next to her to a cafe and eating cute little cakes and tea together. Tome forced herself out of that mindset before she could get even more lonely.
There were very real consequences for her true feelings. Her stomach turned as she pictured it: weird looks in the halls, insults whispered behind her back, alienation even worse than it was now. If she didn’t have wonderful, supportive friends back at Salt Mid, she would be worried about them turning on her too.
So, she elected to keep her feelings to herself. Every day, she just coasted by, drifting from class to class until she could go home and see her real friends. She threw herself into her alien research, eventually finding herself taking an interest in spirits and psychics. Which led her to an unofficial placement with Mob’s boss– a man who came off as sketchy, but knew more about spirits than anyone she had ever met. And she still appreciated the New Years trip Reigen took her and her friends on, on top of that. So, she found herself scurrying to Spirits and Such after school every day.
She walked to work with the same stance she took during school– head ducked down and watching the sidewalk with rapt attention as she contemplated her isolation. Maybe she would ask Mob to go on a hike with her on the weekend. Maybe that would take the edge off of the emptiness that had made a home in her chest.
The door chimed as she arrived at the office. Tome made a bee-line for her desk and crashed into her seat. She heaved another great sigh, catching the attention of the only full-time employee at Spirits and Such.
Serizawa cleared his throat, “Good afternoon, Miss Kurata.” He greeted politely. Tome nodded at him, sliding forward until she was laying across her desk. She stretched her hands out like a disgruntled cat.
“Hey, Serizawa…” She said glumly. Serizawa placed down his pen, turning away from his homework.
“Are you alright? You look a little upset.” He asked tentatively. Tome closed her eyes.
She contemplated whether she could confide in her coworker– she wanted help sorting out the tangled ball of feelings in her chest so badly. But, she had only known Serizawa for about a month; he was nice and very sincere, if a little jumpy, but that didn’t mean he could understand her in the way she needed.
She decided to bite the bullet. If push came to shove and Serizawa was an ass about it, Tome trusted Reigen to step in and help her. A loud swear came from the kitchenette in the next room and Tome smiled faintly.
“I just… I’ve been feeling a little off lately, I guess.” She scratched her cheek, “None of my friends go to my school anymore so…” She shrugged. Serizawa nodded slowly in understanding.
He hummed, “Why don’t you ask them to lunch sometime? Shigeo mentioned something about a park he wanted to visit last time he was here.”
“It’s not that,” she huffed, “I do stuff with them all the time. It’s different.” Papers shuffled as Serizawa packed his work away. He laced his hands together on his lap, giving Tome his full attention.
“How?” He implored. Tome turned to rest her other cheek on the desk, burying her face in her arm.
“Mmrhmmm,” She mumbled into her sleeve.
“Sorry, what was that?” Serizawa asked earnestly.
Tome sat back, frustration colouring her voice, “All day I just go to class, zone out, go to my next class, eat lunch alone, go to class– it’s so mundane! I don’t have a club to mess around in anymore, or even people to hang out with! And- and I haven’t even- uhm…” She stopped her rant, face growing warm. Serizawa kept giving her the same open look and Tome found herself actually wanting to tell him the other half of her problem. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to pick apart the knots her stomach had twisted into. She wanted to talk about it– it would swallow her whole if she didn’t– but deep down, she was scared. Tome liked this office and her shiny new job and weird but fun boss (even when he insisted every job was too dangerous for her and that she wasn’t actually employed). The last thing she wanted was to break the comfortable atmosphere she was just starting to settle into.
Because that’s what happened when she spoke her true desires– someone laughed uncomfortably, and a sharp and surprised “Oh.” would slip out between the tense silence.
Tome coughed, picking at a chip in her desk so she wouldn't have to face him. Her hair fell like a curtain in front of her face, shielding her from the inevitable judgemental twinge Serizawa’s gaze would take on.
“Well uh- uhm… sometimes I wonder if I- I-” she cleared her throat, “If I’m behind on the whole… romance thing.” Tome scratched at the desk harder, picking off the cheap veneer in longer strips now. She grinned despite the quaking fear in her chest, “Y’know because I’ve never had- never had a-” the words caught in her throat, choking her.
Something clinked on her desk. A cup of tea sat under her nose, steam curling up into her face. She took a sip, despite the way her stomach was twisting, and noted it was her favourite flavour. Serizawa smiled down at her, eyebrows quirked with worry.
“It’s okay to be a late bloomer,” he chuckled awkwardly, hands twisting in front of his chest, “To be honest, I’m about fifteen years late to the boyfriend game, as well.”
Tome’s neck cricked with the speed her head snapped up to stare at her coworker.
“B-boyfriend?” She sputtered, voice just above a whisper.
Did I hear that right? Is there hope for me afterall? She thought excitedly.
Serizawa nodded, gaze fixed just above her head at a poster on the wall. He smiled, melancholy, “Well, yes… shutting yourself off from the world and then joining a terrorist organization doesn't really open you up to a lot of potential relationships…" He started fiddling with his tie, setting it askew and, eventually, completely undoing it.
Tome shook her head– what might have been shocking to her when she started working there was now nothing more than a passing fact. 'My coworker was a psychic terrorist' was much less mindblowing than 'my coworker might be queer.'
"No, I get that part! But- but I mean- you- are you-?" Her words were jumbled, all trying to climb out of her mouth at the same time and ending up as gibberish.
Just as she was about to try again, Reigen burst into the main office. He waved his phone around excitedly, pointing at it and mouthing indistinguishable words at his employees. Serizawa gave him a thumbs up anyways.
"Right, of course. Yes. Thursday? Here, let me check our schedule…" He shuffled around a few papers, loud enough for the person on the other end of the call to hear. She craned her neck, spotting a half cut up grocery store flyer open on Reigen's desk. It was missing all of the coupons.
He clicked his tongue, "Looks like we're going to be pretty packed… Ah!" Reigen poked a random paper, "With a little rescheduling, it looks like I can squeeze you in at noon. 'That sounds great'?" He raised his eyebrows, grinning fox-like at Serizawa. Business had been slow lately– or so Tome thought, since she was only shooed out once or twice a day– so Reigen was putting all of his tricks to snagging clients to use.
Reigen ended the call with a sing-songy company-mandated goodbye, even going so far as to smile into the receiver. With a sharp 'clat', Reigen shut his phone.
"Alright, you two! We've got a big client tomorrow so I need you out of the office," Tome slumped back down in her seat, good mood extinguished immediately.
He rounded on Serizawa, pointing in his face, "And you-" Reigen froze, rant cutting off suddenly. With a sigh, he stepped right into Serizawa's personal space, nearly standing on his feet.
"Honestly, Serizawa!" He took his employee's tie into his hands, "Haven't I told you to stop messing with your tie? It makes you look unprofessional– which reflects badly on me, as your employer, y'know-" Reigen rambled. Swiftly, he redid Serizawa's tie, tugging on it until it fit snugly under his collar. Just as he was readjusting it– and patting down Serizawa's shirt one too many times– Tome found the words she wanted to say earlier.
Unfortunately, that meant she suddenly blurted it out in front of Reigen, as well.
"Are you gay?!"
Serizawa stiffened; the small smile on his face widened into a grimace. All of the colour drained from his cheeks.
Meanwhile, Reigen twisted to look at her in abject horror. More sweat than she had ever seen a human being produce gathered on his face.
Tome's stomach dropped.
You fucked up big time, Kurata. What happened to wanting to keep this job? Look at them– they're humiliated! Why can't you just keep your big mouth shut sometimes-
Reigen cleared his throat, dropping Serizawa's tie like it burned him. Unsubtly, he scrambled away from his employee.
"Well-!" He laughed, high-pitched and stilted, reminding her of a hyena. He took another step away from Serizawa, giving him a wide berth, "That's- y'see about that-"
Tome sprung up from her seat on unsteady feet. Ice cold hands wrapped around her stomach, wringing it. She folded, bowing so deeply her nose nearly touched her desk.
"I am so, so sorry, Reigen-san! I-I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable– or you, Serizawa-san!" Tears pricked in the corners of her eyes. Her heart was beating heavily in her ears, "I know that was weird to ask, I-I do-don't know why I did that." She tried to laugh, blinking away the wetness in her eyes. Tome came out of her bow, wobbly grin plastered on her face as she stared at the wall. She couldn't look Reigen in the eye and see disgust– that would be her last straw.
Tome picked up her untouched schoolbag, slinging it haphazardly over her shoulder, "I'll leave, it's fine!"
Before she could sprint out of the office, a clammy hand landed on her shoulder.
"Hey! Tome, it's– okay, it was a little bit… strange to ask out of nowhere," Tome hiccupped, face puckering as she held in her tears, "Shit! Look, kid, we're not mad at you or anything, okay?" Reigen crouched in front of her, raising his hands but unsure what to do with them, "Right, Serizawa?" He looked up for support; Serizawa answered with a strangled squeak. He hadn't broken out of his stock-still grimace.
Reigen stood with a huff. She turned again to leave– before being turned around once more and steered towards Reigen's desk with a hand on her back. He pushed her into the client's chair, settling in his own across from her.
"I'm not letting you leave in tears, Tome." He crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, "Now spill– why did you ask…" He cleared his throat, looking away as his face warmed, "that?"
Tome wanted to vomit.
"And don't say you don't know," he continued, pointing at her accusingly, "I can tell when something's up with you kids."
Tome sniffled, raising her gaze from her lap momentarily to fix him with a subdued look of amazement, "With your esper powers?" Reigen winced, covering it up with a grimace of his own.
"Ah, yeah… with my powers." He said dejectedly, "Don't change the subject."
She eyed Serizawa under her bangs; he still hadn't moved, wide-eyed shock on his face unchanging. She had a feeling he would never forgive her for this.
Reigen snapped in her face, bringing her back into their conversation. She drew in a deep breath, ready to make a big, roundabout speech to apologise to them both while brushing off the root cause of this whole problem. When she opened her mouth, all that came out was a sob.
"Tome-?! Jeez- Serizawa, get her a glass of water or something! Oh shit, kid- uh, fuck- please stop crying?" Reigen floundered. He had no idea how to get Tome to calm down. This wasn't anything like one of Mob's explosions– nor was it extreme enough to be like his recent, non-psychic meltdowns. Sure, Mob wasn't blowing up the office every time his emotions overwhelmed him anymore, but Reigen had known Mob for years; he could comfort or talk him down in the way he needed. He had just met Tome a month ago.
"I'm so lonely, Reigen-san!" She shouted into her palms, "A-an-and I ha-ate it because," she hiccupped, "there's no-othing I can do about it!"
Reigen was still reeling, but set aside his confusion. At least she was outright telling him what the deal was.
He reached across the desk to pat her on the shoulder.
"Take a deep breath for me, kid. You're going to faint if you keep that up." She nodded vigorously. He had to keep himself from making a face when she wiped her snotty, tear stained face on her uniform's sleeve.
"Sorry…" She mumbled, gaze fixed on her skirt as she smoothed out its wrinkles. Her voice was hushed and slightly congested as she continued, "I um… I guess I've been feeling a touch…" She laughed at herself. It was self-deprecating in a way that made Reigen's skin crawl; it was much too similar to the one that echoed in his own thoughts.
"Well, a lot lonelier, lately. And now that I'm in highschool… I'm wondering if… um," This was way worse than talking to Serizawa– looking her boss in the eye and telling him her girl troubles was worse than any kind of torture she could imagine, "If it's abnormal for a girl my age…"
When she chanced a look at him, Reigen's eyes were wide as dinner plates. Another round of sweat had broken out under his bangs and he was getting paler by the second.
"W-wait, if this is- I'm not qualified to deal with- you should really talk to your mom about that-" His strangled voice squeaked out.
"I'm a lesbian." She finally admitted it. The word hung heavy in the air between them. Doubt dug its claws into her the longer Reigen just stared at her without saying anything. A few moments felt like minutes to Tome.
She was about to take it back– run home and hide under the safe covers of her bed, playing Zelda for the foreseeable future instead of ever coming back to work– when Reigen deflated, a wobbly smile tugging at his lips.
"Oh god, Tome, is that it? I thought– well, I'm not sure what I thought you were trying to say, but I'm glad it's not that." He chuckled, relief written all over his relaxed posture. She gaped at him.
"You're… happy?" She hadn't expected him to blow up at her or anything, but she thought maybe it would be a little more awkward than this. Reigen's smile dimmed and he looked at her sadly.
"Did you think I was going to be upset?" She pursed her lips and nodded. His face fell again, but he quickly plastered a more neutral expression over it.
Reigen got out of his chair with a grunt, stretching a bit as he stood. He rounded the desk, leaning on her side of it. From behind his back, he grabbed the little paper cup of water Serizawa filled for her. She took it gratefully.
Reigen sighed, "Being queer is not the end of the world, trust me. I know it feels like that, especially at your age, but it's true. Soon, this stage in your life will pass and you'll find some place where you fit in. Just hang in there, kiddo."
She sipped on her water, "It doesn't feel like it'll get better." Tome mumbled into her cup. Reigen laughed, and it was the same insecure tone she took earlier.
"I know…" He glanced at Serizawa cautiously, "But look at me! Successful business, lots of friends, a bunch of you brats hanging around," She dodged the hand reaching out to ruffle her hair, giggling into her water.
"I'm perfectly happy where I am. I promise, you will be too."
Tome rubbed at her nose one last time, "Can Spirits and Such be my place?" She asked.
"You're going to have to talk to your teachers about that." He said, all business again. She huffed playfully.
"I come out to you– in tears, boss– and you're still bullying me like this?"
Reigen rolled his eyes, "Don't call me that until you're actually employed here, kid."
"Well then, don't call me kid until-"
Their bickering petered out as a long shadow cast over them. An oppressive atmosphere pressed at her back. She knew this feeling– it was one she felt often when Mob was around. Like someone had sucked all of the pressure out of the room and concentrated it in one person. It felt like unstable emotions; it felt like psychic powers.
Tome turned to see Serizawa towering over her.
His face was stony, eyebrows set low and mouth set in a hard frown. Her heart thumped loudly in her ears.
"Miss Kurata?" His kind voice muttered. She jolted, a wave of nausea hitting her immediately.
"Yeah?" She asked, just above a whisper. Tome's teeth started chattering.
Reigen tensed, gaze flicking between Tome and Serizawa. He sat up straighter.
Serizawa's hands were folded in front of him. He started to fidget, staring at his hands as he laced and unlaced them.
Suddenly, he looked up at Tome. A smile broke out over his face, the warmth of it reaching his crinkling eyes.
"Thank you for trusting us with something so personal. We're lucky to have you here with us."
She wanted to cry all over again.
Instead, she brought the two businessmen into an awkward, but tight hug. She squeezed them until Reigen was gasping for air and trying to pry her arms off of him.
Tome left that day with a new mission: become the best employee Spirits and Such had ever seen and win the friendship of its inhabitants. Which started with a formal employment form from her homeroom teacher.
#this ones a little older#idk if anyone else has this problem but i find writing more explicitly queer stuff like this is really hard#bclike i dont want to make it super cliche and ooc but its hard to put my own queer experience into words yknow?#im a lesbian therefor tome is a lesbian lol but seriously she is a lesbian. like canonically to me <3#and i also feel like theres a certain shame i feel writing queer stories. like maybe its cringe culture poisoning-#-but i feel bad and embarrassed writing characters as queer and experiencing queerness + homophobia#hm well time to pack that away and hopefully never think about it again#tome's experiences here are directly influenced by my own btw. i've gotten that same ''oh'' many times lol#ppl arent expecting lesbians to be lurking in their groups ig#mob psycho 100#mp100#reigen arataka#serizawa katsuya#tome kurata#my fic#read the reigen manga#she is everything to me <3333333#this is set before the reigen manga but after mp100#serirei#a little. its in the background but its there#ik i say this everytime lol but i hope my characterization is good. thats the most important fic thing to me#title from arthur's song ''ivy league''
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I love calling people cis adjacent. Trans card revoked without straight calling them a trender. Good work boys.
#cis-adj and trender mean different things#trenders are actually traditionally very NOT cis adjacent#gnc and cis adjacent are not antonyms/ tho they usually dont mesh super well together#cis adjacent mostly refers to someone who does not take any active steps towards transition#which is why i think its a helpful and sensical term??? if they are literally. not. taking steps to TRANSition. they are cis adjacent#listen. cis adjacent trans people are good. or/ better than cis people at least.#they can have a lot to say about what it feels like for them to be trans. but they should also have a lot to say about being cis adjacent#intersectionality means so much more than just Oppression/Oppression it is subtle experience/subtle experience#and the difference between being visibly trans and not even wanting\needing to take transition steps is Not Subtle#even tho they both theoretically could fit within all the same identities and intersectionalities down to being trans#a subtle difference is something like not wanting vs not needing to take those steps#idk im jus rambling nonsense at this point i didnt think id end up full hearted defending the term cis adjacent#basically. nobodies getting their trans card revoked that was obviously a joke.#cis adjacent is kinda like the term straight passing for bi people.#it can be used horribly and it can make you feel bad but imo? it has its use#sometimes people are straight passing and sometimes people are cis adjacent.#the biggest problem seems to be how broadly people apply these terms#a lot of bi people literally cannot pass as anything but queer and the way a lot of monos act like#bi people are just like a monolith of fem women and masc men is very fucking weird????? and that is objectively biphobic#i dunno what im talking about anymore
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actually. that post about how its important to have weird kinky queer friends. i think the same is true of really every type of ostracized person but in particular i wanna point it out wrt mentally ill people.
if you watch a movie villainizing DID or schizophrenia or something, and you think, "hey, this seems sort of like its based on what my friend has and theyre just a chill person, why are they making my friends condition seem threatening?" thats good.
if you see someone use narcissist as a synonym for abuser and you think, "what, no, im friends with someone who has NPD and i know theyre a kind person, this isnt true at all," thats good.
if you hear politicians try to frame addicts as violent criminals who should be locked up and you think "no, my buddy sam is just sick, their withdrawals are really painful and they dont have a good support system, they shouldnt be locked up for that," thats good.
being able to counter ableist rhetoric with "i know from experience thats not how these people are" is a good thing. like yeah obviously dont make friends with mentally ill people just for brownie points but also try to make the conscious effort to be open to friendship with people who have stigmatized mental health issues. and maybe even more importantly, be someone who makes it clear to others that youre safe to be open about these things with, because chances are youre ALREADY friends with mentally ill people even if you dont realize it, because a lot of us with more demonized conditions try to hide those conditions out of fear, and it helps a lot to know our friends are allies - and then we might feel safe discussing our experiences, IF we want to, and in turn that can help you better understand the realities and diversities of our situations and be less susceptible to ableist rhetoric.
#ok to rb#i dont feel like tagging though bc im not 100% confident in how i worded this#but idk how better to and i want it out there. idk
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alright i finally finished a little life
#SPOILERS BELOW ummmm#i havent cried so hard reading a book in a very long time lmao#i did predict willem falling in love with jude and jude commiting suicide#but i did not forsee willem dying first which was so torture and anguish#i do wish jb's meth addiction and homosexuality/specifically jude's was discussed a little bit more#i understand not really writing about jb because he isnt the main character but#why was yanagihara so deliberately avoidant of discussing homosexuality explicitly. ?#like you will talk about their careers their racial identities relationships graphic self harm scenes but that? and i cant help#but think that is somehow the line she wont cross because it's unjustifiable to relate to it somehow#like queerness is the one unrelatable unwritable subject matter....??? am i going insane#also. this book has awakened my mind to so many people who are.........bad at reading#its “”“fanbase”“” is almost like a mockery of the book itself i cant explain it but sometimes it is so painful to look at#i dont agree with people who say it's yanagihara exploiting trauma she hasnt personally experienced bc to only be able to#write abt personal experiences is a miserable and very limiting way to write#which is why in that same vien i wish she wrote more on queerness but okay whatever i digress#jude st francis reminds me of franics abernathy........it's always those fucking franics boys#and now i kind of want to reread the secret history but i also want to take a break to read smth lighter#but the only books i have at home rn is the red dragon series. is red dragon a 'lighter' read than a little life? discuss#rant over!#🫀
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Hello!!!!!! So i was wonderinfg if you could do a piece for cod mw2? A platonic 141 (other characters can be added if youd like) x (preferably 18-20 yr old) gn or fem reader. It can be a oneshot or headcannons, i dont mind either format!!! If you do a oneshot, any scenario (a mission, off duty, etc) is fine w me!!! You basically have free reign, just keep it strictly platonic, not even a smidge of the hints w the reader and romantic relationships 👍❤️
Ain’t That A Kick In The Head? (Platonic!141 x Fem!Reader)
cod masterlist
A/N: YESS!! I LOVE PLATONIC FICS!! 99% of my writing so far has been romantic, kind of funny considering I’m aromantic and queer. thank you anon <3 i’m also sorry for taking so long. your speciality isn’t specified, but it can’t be demolitions, im sorry!! plot purposes.
[WARNINGS: mentioned misogyny, fluff.]
Considering how young you are, you deal with quite a lot of people who have low expectations for you. To be fair, you don’t have much experience, but you are a quick learner and that’s very much needed on this base. You’re a Specialist, one rank above Private in the U.S. army ranks. When people first meet you, they expect you to be a coward, a twenty year old girl—is what they like to call you—who doesn’t know the difference between a 5.56 mm cartridge and a 7.62 mm cartridge, a clueless little girl. Of course you did not know everything, but it was clear you know enough and have enough skill as you’re apart of the 141.
When you were first picked for the team, Ghost was a bit skeptical. Your age played a big factor because he was concerned about your level of experience, but he overall trusts Price’s judgement. A huge part of it was him worried about how you would take in all of the traumatizing sights they see on every mission. How you would be able to take someone down without a second thought, even if they pleaded for their life. He didn’t voice this worry, nor did he do anything to “shield” you because he knows you know what you signed up for.
You physically train/spar with Ghost and Gaz separately frequently. They are different in size and in style of defense/attack, so they both give you great pointers on how to defend yourself and how to initiate an attack. You have a schedule with them; when you’re on base, you train with Gaz Mondays and Tuesdays and Ghosts on Thursdays, preferably early in the morning with Gaz and in the evening with Ghost. Even when you perfect your own style for attack and defense, you keep training with them; “So you don’t get rusty.”
Price knows what you signed up for, and he knows that he picked you, so like everyone else on the task force, he begins to train you. Being an expert in violence and timing—unconventional warfare too, he occasionally sits in on your training sessions with Gaz and/or Ghost. Sometimes, he talks with Gaz or Ghost beforehand to set up a specific scenario for you to find a way to get out of alive.
Being said, Price takes you out as well as the team to a training field, doing the exact same thing but in a more.. realistic scenario. Being so young, he figures you still have an unacceptable type of response with “fight, flight, or freeze”. His plan is to strip away the freeze response because that’s the one that will get you killed. He also very specifically has himself and your teammates as the enemies in this field because while you’re supposed to trust your team with your life, there’s also often betrayal in the field.
Soap is a demolitions expert, as well as a sniper. He absolutely refuses to let you handle real bombs at first because he knows you didn’t specialize in demolitions like he did. After spending a few months with you, he brings out non-dangerous replicas of bombs and replicated parts to begin to show you how to take a bomb apart/defuse it, when it’s best to let it explode, or how to put one together for emergencies. He absolutely 110% makes sure you know it’s for emergencies when he isn’t there. It’s not that he thinks you’re incapable, but he can’t help but worry. Him learning about how Gaz and Price met, how Price only had seconds to shove the hostage with a bomb vest strapped to him over that railing? Fucking terrifying to him.
Gaz also helps you complete your interrogation training—not being the interrogator, but then interrogatee. Undergoing several mentally challenging tests himself of this variety, he tasks himself with giving you pointers. Your task is to keep your mouth shut about intel and escape the facility and remain hidden, uncaptured during the entire test. He’s so incredibly used to uncomfortable situations, so his pointers during this—seeing that he passed this test himself, the only one who past it in his class—his advice is helpful.
Besides training with Ghost, he coaches you ambushes and stealth. Every time you’re caught in a test, he coaches you on how to evade, on how to remain hidden even when the enemy is right in front of you. He teaches you how to set up traps and ruses, what traps are most commonly used and spotted and what ones aren’t.
Overall, they know you’re inexperienced and young, but you quickly take their advice and training into account, and you get to teach them a thing or two when you arrive on base. You learn quick and Price finally feels as if you’re ready for an intense stealth mission, accompanied by the team. They don’t have any doubt held in their hearts for you, 100% trusting your abilities.
#call of duty#call of duty mwii#mw2 2022#cod mw2#modern warfare ii#mw2022#cod#cod mw ghost#ghost x reader#price x reader#soap x reader#gaz x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#john price x reader#john mactavish x reader#kyle garrick x reader#platonic#young!reader#cod headcanons
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not the same anon but ive often seen transfems complain that transmascs will “refuse to let go of femininity” and “misgender ourselves” when we talk about how being treated as girls/women during our entire lives affects us materially and also psychologically. ive never understood that. where do you stand on that? Important clarifications: 1) i dont believe trans women, closeted or otherwise, pre or post transition, have male privilege. i dont believe the upbringing “discourse” is a zero-sum game (where if being raised female means tm experience misogyny, being raised male means tw have male privilege). 2) i dont believe in transandrophobia in any shape or form, I believe trans men suffer bc of misogyny and transphobia, and trans women bc of the same + transmisogyny. 3) im not trying to gotcha you or pick a fight i mean this entirely neutrally. im ready to accept that im wrong i simply want to understand why.
yea i mean, like -- obviously this is a subject that's really easy to bad-faith on either side but i think you're approaching in good faith so i'm going to answer in turn: i don't think any (serious) transfeminists begrudge that trans men have a lifetime experience of suffering directly from misogyny or that they discuss these things. i think there are obvious common experiences and solidarity to be found in these common experiences!
the times where i often see the argument that transmascs are 'misgendering themselves' is when they weaponize transmisogyny by self-infantilizing to paint an interaction they had or disagreement with a transfem as the transfem being 'predatory', 'threatening', etc -- transmisogynist trans men will very often do this, implicitly misgendering themselves by invoking the transmisogynistic spectre of the Big Scary Autogynophile sexually threatening the Poor Innocent Wombyn.
secondly, transmisogynistic transmascs will absolutely weaponize their own misogynistic trauma in disagreements with trans women -- it's not uncommon on this website for trans women trying to discuss transmisogyny to be met with paragraphs of transmisogynistic transmascs graphically describing their own experiences with sexual assault and violence, which again plays into the exact same stereotypes to the advantage of the transmasc in the situation.
similarly, transmisogynistic transmascs will also use language that groups them with cis women in an implicitly self-misgendering way for the sake of being transmisogynistic and excluding trans women. the most infamous version of this is the phrase 'women and AFABs' which gets tossed around quite often in so-called 'queer spaces', but there are also accusations of a universal 'male socialization' (used to paint trans women as aggressive, entitled, dangerous, etc, while trans men are harmless, demure, talked over by loud scary trans women, etc).
so tldr: i don't think any serious transfeminist begrudges trans men for talking about how misogyny has shaped their lives. when accusations of 'self-misgendering' come in is when (certain) trans men align themselves politically with transphobic cis women over trans women and use their own history with misogyny as a cudgel against trans women, or purposefully twist self-misgendering transmisogynistic narratives against trans women for their own personal advantage.
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What do you think gay men are attracted to in men that they can’t be attracted to in women?
It can’t be anything about femininity or masculinity obviously. That’s both sexist, and cultural so can’t be what drives men-only attraction.
It can’t be anything about stated identity because someone could lie just as easily as they could tell the truth in such a statement, and it makes no sense because homosexuality and heterosexuality exists in other species with no stated identities. It’s not like other animals without gender are all pan.
Saying idk it’s the vibes or some indescribable trait men have that women can’t but “I can’t explain” is a nonanswer.
Soooooooo what is it? Or do you think any sexuality but bi/pan is just cultural performance or an identity rather than an inborn orientation?
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first off i hate this ask and i think youre a freak. in any other world i wouldve blocked you for this but unfortunately for both of us i actually like this type of philosophy. dont send this shit to anyone else though
i dont think its right to compare human sexuality to the same thing in animals, to get that out of the way. im sure until a certain point it comes from the same biological impulses, but human beings have way more complicated social structures and reasons for coupling that just do not exist in other animals. our social behaviours are what make us unique in the animal kingdom and that definitely extends to gender and sexuality. so theres that
people love to tout 'gender is a social construct' around like its a criticism in and of itself, which i think betrays a misunderstanding about social constructs in general. theyre the foundations we build language on to better understand each other, and affected by a whole host of cultural and historical factors. just because theyre subjective and complicated doesnt mean they arent real. in terms of the effect they have on peoples lives they may be the most real thing that exists
for example, 'kindness' is a social construct. the definition and ways it is enacted differ greatly across personal and cultural lines. but no one would ever suggest a world where kindness doesnt exist or loses meaning, because its an essential part of the way we interact with each other (in the same way i dont really see a world where gender entirely ceases to exist, mainly just one where people have more fun with it. im not a psychic though so who knows)
similarly, sexuality in humans is another social construct. i think the driving biological forces behind it are very real, but the labels people attach to those impulses are subjective attempts to express their inner world to the people around them if that makes sense. and those same biological impulses are ALSO subject to social ideas of gender, because those ideas are established at birth and reinforced over a persons entire lifetime
to use myself as an example, im a gay trans man. ive identified as other things in the past, because i was trying to pick apart feelings i had and express them to others in an attempt to find community. my identity might change as i get older and experience new things, or it might not. i identify as gay because im not attracted to the social concept of women, and someone i would otherwise be attracted to might lose all appeal after i find out they fall under that concept (this has happened before w transfems pre and post coming out lol)
of course, the real REAL answer to this is that trying to give queer identities rigid and objective definitions is a fools errand, and also lame as fuck. someone might identify as gay and be more attracted to general masculinity than men as a social category, maybe they fool around with a couple of butch women without considering themself any less gay. two otherwise identical people might be a butch lesbian and a gay trans man without either of those identities coming into conflict. they might even be the same person at different times of the week
the labels people choose to use are communication tools, not objective signifiers. if you dont understand them, they probably arent talking to you
social constructs are everything. we as humans have the unique ability to interpret our own messy desires and impulses into words that other people can use to form an idea of someone else in their mind. its how we build connections, and of course it isnt perfect because trying to squeeze someones entire personal history and the centuries of context that defined it into a handful of syllables is going to leave some room for error. but its all we have, yknow? so we keep trying. and i think thats much more human than any imposed objective 'truth' could ever be
tldr we live in a society dipshit. get with it
#ask#long post#i feel like i should tag for the ask bc it sucks but idk what so like. lmk#gender#trans stuff#i love you language philosophy i love you messy human relationships i love you contradictory identities
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i really do wonder what ppl who tout the "non-men loving non-men" definition of lesbian think about multigender people. do they EVER consider us? even a tiny bit? bc it certainly doesnt feel like it. it feels like any one of these situations:
they already dont think being multigender is a thing, and say shit like "you can only be a man, a woman, or nonbinary, not all of the above."
they quite literally dont think about how multigender people would work in relation to sexuality. they may claim to support us, but they dont pay attention to or care about the fact our gender identity ISNT just an isolated thing that has no affect or connection to anything else about us.
they look at my gender (genderfluid between woman, man, and many forms of nonbinary, more oftentimes a mix), and say oh well youre PARTIALLY a man in some way so that means you cant be a lesbian! so, basically my man-ness just "taints" me and negates the fact that im also a woman and nonbinary? what about the days where my genderfluidity contains no bit of man at all? can i only be a lesbian SOMETIMES?
they yell about non-men all they want, but see my gender and go, "oh not YOU though :) i mean people who are ONLY a man!" and not realize how that is 1. them not saying at all what they mean in their definition if still SOME men are okay and 2. extremely comes across as misgendering and that they dont see me as Actually a man if im not mono-gendered, regardless of their intention. if you are going to categorize people as "men or non-men" and try to fit me in only one or the other, you are misgendering me no matter what. non-men is not the same thing as non-mono-gendered-men.
and all of this also makes me wonder: what would these people think if they saw me in person, holding hands with my girlfriend?
for context: transmeds would 100% consider me a faker not only bc im genderfluid, use any pronouns (esp neos), and am without dysphoria (for gender anyways), but because theyd think im just cis. im afab with no hormone changes or surgery, nor do i want any (my ideal genitals being a dick or barbie-doll-smooth aside, since i dont care enough to do surgery about it, and any of my other gender ideals would require shapeshifting), i like my big boobs, AND im femme. my fat even adds to my curves. most people would probably read me as only a girl and not think twice about it, esp if im dressing up as femme as i like being at the time.
so, if these people shouting "non-men loving non-men" at those like me all the time ended up seeing me irl, what would they think? would they see im extremely femme and read as a girl while holding hands with my girlfriend (who isnt femme but still is easily read as a girl) and think oh yeah, thats a lesbian right there? because a huge part of me says that they absolutely would have no issue with it
who knows if anyone who swears up and down by the "non-men loving non-men" definition will actually read this, but i REALLY wish more people would actually hear out multigender folks and see how definitions like this are incompatible with us. think about how our identity doesnt exist in a vacuum. realize that plenty of us ARE lesbians no matter what anyone else says, and we do not abide to your """inclusive""" definition that actually doesnt consider our existence at all.
or at least realize identity labels dont have a one-size-fits-all definition in the vastness of queer experiences, that people are going to have definitions for things that are different from yours, and you dont hold the One True Right Definition. realize that definitions are not rules that are placed upon words, theyre explanations for how these words are being used across the world, through time, and vary from person, place, and time. definitions are fluid, not static, and many words have multiple definitions.
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(disclaimer, this is coming from a heartstopper fan! i love heartstopper this is not hate!!)
i think at least part of the annoyance with heartstopper isn't just that isn't a light fluffy ya series, it's also that its another example of how the queer media that gets the most mainstream attention tends to be this kind of light fluffy ya stuff that focuses on two conventially attractive queer boys or men and it also tends to be written by people who aren't queer men on top of that, so not only can it feel very samey but it can feel like other queer people are relegated to side characters in the stories of cis gay men. and as someone who loves heartstopper i get that on some level.
btw by "written by people who aren't queer men" NOT saying that isn't not written by queer people. alice oseman is genderfluid and aroace, becky albertalli is bisexual, etc. and while i think the point is still valid there is a misogyny element in that a lot of the focus is put on things that are written by women or people they perceive as women while tumblr darlings like good omens and ofmd (written by presumably straight men) don't get the same treatment.
nah y'know what, that's fair, I can get how frustrating it can be for a lot of popular queer stories to feel samey, I've definitely gotten BL-fatigue in the past on platforms like WT and Tapas because many of them ARE the same and feel like they're just piggybacking off trends for the sake of clout (and this is a problem in the heterocis romance stories too, don't get me fucking started on how dark romance has turned into torture porn where vulnerable women are constantly being victimized by rich powerful men and we're just supposed to root for that ??), but it's one of those things where like, what might be seen as just more corny shit could very well be the revelation another person needs that they're gay / trans / etc. that the story helped them realize. there's just a point where i see these arguments against cheesy popular queer stories that teeter dangerously close to being queerphobic and, as you said, misogynist, simply because "it was written by someone who i perceive as a woman so that makes it BAD!"
and I didn't mention it in the original post because I didn't want to @ OP in any way but in the comment section they literally said "i dont think heartstopper itself is all that bad but it has pretty much aimed the direction of all mainstream gay comics towards wholesomeness instead of anything more interesting so i want to destroy heartstopper to destroy heartstopper clones" and that gives me massive ick because it implies their sole reasoning for including it was "chill and happy queer stories bad, if a character doesn't suffer enough then they're not interesting"?? why can't LGBTQ+ audiences have more 'vanilla' stories that aren't all sad and angsty all the time? are we not entitled to the same corny romcom vanilla shit that the heterocis are entitled to? why do LGBTQ+ characters - and by extension, people - have to suffer to qualify as being 'interesting'? You're already interesting, you're you! like i'm sorry, are we trying to scare people straight??? 😭 shit, that's even a plot point that's touched on in Heartstopper itself where Nick is questioning his sexuality and he starts googling shit and it's just ALL the terrifying news stories of queer kids being ostracized / bullied / murdered / etc. and as much as it's important to be aware of the ongoing issues so we can keep fighting for our rights, we ALSO need to find balance and remember to celebrate the stories that AREN'T that because we need something to be hopeful for, something we can find peace in. I don't think Heartstopper is some deeply profound piece of work, but it also doesn't seem like it's trying to be? It's a low stakes celebration of the LGBTQ+ experience that's very warm and comforting, especially for those who are the same ages as the main characters who are often being persuaded by the grown-ups around them that it's a death sentence to be gay / trans / etc.
and it's not like we HAVEN'T had popular pieces of queer representative media that explored things outside of cheesy BL, like are we forgetting about Nimona which explored both the gay and genderfluid experience in a very accessible and fun way while still being mature and not pandering to its audience over how society has made monsters out of queer people?
(and even then I'm sure there are folks who would argue "actually, here are the issues with Nimona" , and that's fine tbh, we can like media and appreciate what it brings to the table while also discussing what it lacks in, such as what we're doing now with Heartstopper! progress is a never-ending journey!!)
and also okay, not me trying to be argumentative in the slightest BUT I don't really get the argument that 'other queer people' are being sidelined for the main characters? unless there's something I'm missing here lol (I will apologize for that because it's admittedly been a while since I've re-read Heartstopper so I should probably go do that to refresh myself on it). like i say that in the sense that Heartstopper is clearly meant to be about two gay male teenagers. just like how Nimona is about a shapeshifter who is not a girl or a boy (they're Nimona!) and a gay man who are both trying to change the system that's other'd them for years for the better. that is the story Heartstopper is trying to tell and it achieves that. it also has a trans character plotline that I could see people arguing feels sidelined but I think there's a massive difference between 'sidelining' and just having a B plot ? my honest take with that is not every piece of representative media is going to be able to cover every single topic, it's just not doable for one piece of media to be a monolith for everything, the same as how one person can't be a monolith for an entire community of people. BUT that doesn't mean works like Heartstopper and Nimona can't inspire others to also lend their voices into the medium and create that representation that's needed. That's why we need ✨variety✨ and Heartstopper is part of that variety by offering a more vanilla cutesy story full of good vibes for people who want that sort of thing.
IDK, I think there's just a lot of nuance that's being missed in that poll, and in the difference between Heartstopper inspiring more people to write happy cozy BL stories vs. implying that it's had an actual negative influence on modern art and media in the same way that series like Homestuck and LO have to the point that people think it needs to be destroyed, like wtf LOL Like they're not even comparable IMO and a lot of the arguments I see people making about why it is just feel a little backwards, and those arguments obfuscate the real issue which is just "popular thing is popular and people like to piggyback off popular shit". That's a fact for basically any niche and genre, these trends come and go. Even if the whole cutesy BL trend passes one day (which it will) it'll be replaced by something else that people will also inevitably find samey and boring after a while. This is not a concept that's unique to LGBTQ+ media, it's universal.
Balance is important and I think finding that balance is as much a responsibility on the shoulders of the consumer as it is on the creator. And I don't think Heartstopper deserves to be put into the same camp as stories like LO which literally straightwashes its canonically queer characters and gives those queer identities to nothingburger characters who are easy to shoo out of the plot to make way for the heterocis ones (while still parading itself around like it's actually 'queer rep' which... it really isn't.) Like all three of the comics in that poll are vastly different, serving different audiences, with different goals and intentions. It's comparing apples to oranges to pineapples.
The worst Heartstopper has to offer is just a low stakes plot that might not appeal to everyone or feel 'samey' which yeah, valid, but in the grander sense of whether or not it's had a negative effect on queer media just for being... cheesy? And inspiring other people to write stories like it? I don't get the argument, it feels like it's severely missing the point of what we're fighting for here - to live happy little unbothered lives - but that's just me ╮(￣ω￣;)╭ I'm definitely not trying to be a dick about it in any way and I don't want anyone to think I'm not open to the opposing points here, I do agree with you on the oversaturation of samey BL stories, but it just rose some massive red flags to see Heartstopper next to frigging Homestuck and Lore Olympus LOL
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as someone who is ace and entering college years, how has your dating life been as an ace? what other struggles have there been that you have advice for? i dont know any aces or similar around me older or otherwise. thank you for your time and i hope you have an easy day!
Okay this will get a little long so I'll put it behind a cut
Honestly I'm probably not the best person to ask, since I never really...struggled? Not specifically with asexuality or with anything related to it. I can tell you my experiences, though, and you can decide if there's anything worthwhile to take away from it!
I grew up in a house run by science and math. I knew the prefix a- meant without/not and I knew there was heterosexual and bisexual and homosexual, so when young and, importantly, before really ever interacting with other queer folk, I went Ah ha, these are (prefix)(sexual) and so therefore I am asexual (without sexuality), and that was that. That was literally all the thought I gave to it. People had crushes on other people, I didn't have crushes on people, end of story. If, for some reason, I developed a crush on someone, I would deal with it then.
Maybeeeee midway through HS, a very good friend of mine asked me about it, and I said well, some people like everyone the same, and I dislike everyone the same. And she said well, then it sounds like you like everyone the same, that amount is just zero, so that seems like bisexual? (she didn't know the term asexual was an actual sexuality term either at that point, just the biological term for reproduction and, well, I could reproduce theoretically so couldn't be that) And I said well, alright then, and called myself bisexual for the next 6 or 7 years. THEN I found out asexuality is a sexuality not just a mode of reproduction and I said Ah Ha, I was Correct, and that was that again.
So I guess if I was offering advice it would be... you know you. Don't let someone else tell you about you if you think they're wrong. Make up a word if there isn't one. Use a new word if you find one that already exists and fits.
Also, that it's fine to not worry about it. Literally it's fine to just never think about it if you have better things to do. I think a lot of people get really wrapped up in finding the right label and/or "what happens if-" when like... you're not a canned good. You don't need a label. Worry about what-ifs when they come up, don't borrow anxiety if you can help it.
I dated a few people in HS, like... three people I think, and one Almost. One predatory mistake I thankfully recognized (HEY because I had older folks online I could talk to about it!) and got out of quickly, and one hot mess relationship that was a LOT of fun- my boyfriend, Sark, and then his ex-girlfriend, and then I stepped out so they could get back together, and then they said wait no, and invited me back in, and that went on for most of the end of HS, and nearly into college, when I stepped out again (and peacefully, I am still friends with both of them and I married Sark in the end). There was one guy whom I was always, perpetually, extremely fond of, and we hung out a lot, kissed once, and I think we would have had a lot of fun dating, but ultimately it was a near miss that became a fond memory, because we were never in the right place together. Sometimes life does that, and that's okay, too.
In college, I simply didn't date anyone. I had better things to do. I met my best friend, @idkfandomwhatever, online that year (and still talk to her almost daily, sometimes for hours, despite that we are on opposite sides of the world!!), and in person @mishapeep who was the best roomie I ever had (hi!!!!! i love you!!!). I had great friends, I went on a TON of adventures, worked a cool job where I had awesome coworkers, and just all around had a blast learning stuff and napping in sunbeams or on couches at the food court. A couple of guys made passes, and I turned them down because I just wasn't into it, and we remained friends. There was one coworker at my dispatch job that I got along with like a house on fire, and everyone ELSE thought we should be dating, but neither of us ever brought it up- I can't say why he didn't for sure, but I know I never brought it up because I was 85% sure he didn't swing for the right team to date me, which I ALSO never brought up until he found me on facebook years later to tell me about his husband running for local election somewhere. so. again, don't let anyone else tell you what to do lol there was ALSO another guy that I had NO interest in that spent a lot of time around me, but we mostly sat in my bunk watching Queer as Folk, which I KNOW was his first exposure to queer material. I never talked about queer stuff with him otherwise, but I heard from a mutual friend of ours that he's also happily married to his husband. Sometimes just being yourself, openly and without shame about it, does more than you think, even if it's not doing anything directly for you (but it is, it's good for you too).
SINCE college ended, I dated one guy I met through an online game and that was great in person briefly, but ultimately didn't work out because he couldn't be a nice person, another guy I met through the same online game and that didn't work out at ALL in person, and then I started hanging out with Sark and co again. I was on the phone with him driving somewhere, and I said something to the effect of someday you're gonna find a gf and she's not gonna want you to keep going on adventures with your ex, and we won't be able to talk anymore and I had a real recordscratch moment where I realized absolutely NOT on MY watch, I wanted that boy in my life forever actually, and we've been married now for... this is year 8.
I may have landed in a soft place, but I didn't seek it out. I just lived my life and didn't worry about my sexuality or about who I was or wasn't gonna date. When I DID date, I was up front about what I wanted from any of those relationships and part of the problem with the relationships that didn't work out was sometimes that I did not KNOW what I wanted, yet. But, it was IMPORTANT I think, that I gave the chances I did, because I did learn about myself and what I wanted. That's probably the hardest fucking thing to learn, that relationships sometimes happen not because they're likely to be permanent, but because it may be fun or be a way to learn what you do or don't want. Maybe alongside of that, the lesson that it's okay to go "hm, actually this is Not For Me" and exit peacefully whenever possible. But it's okay to give temporary things a shot and see how it goes, even knowing up front it may be temporary (honestly maybe that even takes some of the stress of it off? if you don't have to worry about it being forever, and you don't have to worry about "what if I never experience other things," and you don't worry so much about messing it up so it feels easier to take chances saying and doing stuff you might otherwise consider too risky to ask for etc).
I'm aware I'm lucky that things went pretty smoothly for my entire life so far, insofar as dating or sexuality is concerned. Part of that was definitely because even the worst of the people I dated weren't really all that bad of people. A lot of it was that I just didn't date if I didn't want to. I didn't care about sex, so I didn't have sex for the first time until a few years after college, and only one guy ever pushed the issue at all (the guy in HS I immediately dropped all contact with).
The thing is... I dated or nearly dated like ten people, flirted with countless others (because it's FUN), and the only one I still have regular contact with (not just occasional friendly hellos) is the one I kept at the end.
But the friends I made in college? I kept a lot of those. I still talk to several of my college friends on a regular basis. I have made other friends since, some of whom I talk to every day, some of whom have become irregular contacts I am still fond of. But those bonds are important and the ones you make with your friends from here out do have the potential to span at least huge chunks of your life, if not the entirety of it. If you only take away one thing from this little novel...take that knowledge.
also this has nothing to do with asexuality but for pete's sake find SOME kind of hobby club to be a part of, or make one if there isn't one, follow your stupidest instincts for adventure on occasion (like playing freeze tag frisbee in a lightning storm on the PAC lawn at 11pm until the campus cops show up to make you go home), and take at least one "fuck it this sounds fun" class. Mine was archery at 7am, the only early-morning class I ever took. Worth it, we were all TERRIBLE but god it was awesome.
Good luck out there!
#you are always welcome to come talk if you need to#asks or chats or whatever#I will not always have answers or advice but I can listen#asexuality#asks#stories about ked's life#I'm leaving this rebloggable because I KNOW there are older aces following me#and y'all have got stories to tell too if you want to speak up
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advice on how to get over the fear that t is going to make me ugly? or that i’m going to miss “the old me”
i’m a queer trans guy and i’ve been questioning going on t for years now and i know i definitely want bottom growth, body fat redistribution and more body hair.
but im err on the side of face and voice changes. i’m scared of disliking my new voice and suddenly growing dysphoric over it (i dont have too much voice dysphoria now) and disliking how my new face will look. i’m kinda genderfluid as well so it’s complicated. but i don’t want to go my whole life without knowing what it’s like to be on hrt. but i can’t get over the fear of looking/finding myself ugly and undesirable and losing my community... which is ironic cuz i find other trans men attractive as hell. i discussed this in therapy and i still feel this way :/
i wish there was a way for me to start without telling anyone and then breaking the news when i’m experiencing changes and feeling more confident about it. i have my gender dysphoria diagnosis and i can start if i want to, but i need my family’s financial support. i don’t want to make it a big deal since it’s just something i’d be trying out to feel more like myself in certain ways.
sorry this turned into a long ass rant and you don’t have to reply but i’m just gonna kindly leave it in the ask box 💀
There's a post that goes like "all of life is irreversible. i cannot go back a single second" and I think thats something good to keep in mind when you are thinking through this. You are already living with a body that has changed and will continue to change in ways largely out of your control. You are already living in a post-irreversible-alteration body.
If you do go on T and find you don't like how your voice sounds: for one, you can stop at any time (& if you haven't checked out microdosing as an option, you should). But two: plenty of people live with a deeper voice than they want. Plenty of people live with facial hair they dislike. You can pursue the same therapies and procedures they do. Or maybe you don't, and you find ways to live with a voice or face you aren't totally in love with.
So much detransition fearmongering, especially directed at transmascs & assoc. trans people, heavily relies on the specter of the fallen woman, itself steeped in trans-misogyny & intersexism. The idea that, for one, a "woman" who has mixed-sex features is ugly and undesirable, and two, that a "woman" made undesirable is forever doomed to be miserable and worthless. The transphobic story of detransition keeps our bodies stuck in this moment of revulsion and regret, narratively preventing us as characters from being able to move on and live happy lives in atypical bodies. Even if you do regret/dislike some things about T, you are not forever stuck in that feeling. The story does not stop at that! You will just keep living and find new ways of dealing with your bodily feelings!
The social aspect of this is a bit more complicated but I also have some firsthand experience with it. Because, as mentioned before, there's a lot of transphobic misogyny/misogynistic transphobia that affects transmascs & others who go on T, who have to confront the feeling of losing your potential desirability. And then there's also the way many people are treated after going on T, facing a whole new area of bodily scrutiny: you may suddenly have people making comments about how someone needs to force teenage boys to shave because their facial hair is a personal offense. I went from being self-conscious about how high my voice was to being self-conscious about how undeniably trans my voice was. And, specifically, my facial hair, voice changes, etc. were all signs of my transmasculine desire, and I became self-conscious about how obvious it was that I desired being trans, I desired this body. I could no longer let everyone pretend I was a cishet girl at family gatherings and avoid confronting these issues, because I had essentially written I WANT TO BE A TRANNY all over my physical form.
This is something I'm still struggling with myself. I, like many other queer & autistic people, already struggled with feeling desirable or worthy of being seen alongside conventionally attractive cishet people who could act normal. Being visibly trans, and taking a huge step away from the desirable cis-perisex-girl body, can really open up that can of worms. Especially being genderfluid/genderqueer! Because we often cannot find a comfortable space for ourselves within the conventions of attractiveness for cis men, like some binary trans men are able to.
But ultimately, I don't regret going on T at all. I would have had body issues regardless, and I got a lot out of going on T. I think mentally preparing yourself to struggle with these things, and seeking out other transmasc people, is a big help. Again: all of life is irreversible. we cannot go back a single second. We are already living in imperfect bodies we struggle to love or see as worthy. If you know you want some of the things T can offer, and you don't want to go your whole life without knowing, then just do it. Dive in, and don't feel any shame if you decide to get out. Just keep living and finding ways to live better right now.
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i met with a good friend yesterday and it was really nice but something is bothering me and i wish it didnt.
so she has started to call herself a „queer feminist“. she kept talking about „queer“ this and „queer“ that and at some point talked about reading a „queer“ book. thats when i interjected and said what does queer mean? this tells me nothing. is it about a trans male experience, about a lesbian woman, this doesnt mean anything (turned out to be about a bisexual woman which is why she related which she probably wouldnt have if it was about a different type of „queer“ person). so i go on saying thats why i find the term useless. she says she finds it a useful umbrella term and i say umbrella for what? she says „what if for example a woman dates a nonbinary person?“ im like well it depends if the person is male or female since sexuality is still based on sex. what do i as a bisexual woman have in common with a straight man who thinks he‘s a woman? i dont see us as part of the same group. and while she wasnt able to explain the usefulness of the term she said she would keep using it. out of principle i guess.
and it frustrates me because she like many other women is an intelligent and reflected woman whose opinion matters to me but she seems to mindlessly parrot whats popular right now which makes me take her opinion on feminism a lot less serious. how are you a feminist but you think one can identify in and out of womanhood? who are womens rights for then? people who identify as women or people who are women? at the end of the day, if you think women can stop being women under certain conditions, i just dont know how you are helping the liberation of women.
i just cant take people seriously who earnestly use nothing terms like „queer“ and „nonbinary“ and who think me an extremist for not pretending the person we both know is a woman is a „nonbinary person“. it doesnt seem like she has thought about why its predominantly women identifying as nonbinary, and what background these people have (we live in a very liberal city and shes doing her masters in a program and at a university that is breathing queer theory). its like a virus, smart women suddenly regurgitating and internalising all this seemingly without ever considering the implications and consequences. and it creates a distance between women like my friend and i who definitely share a value system but i refuse to pretend and just accept.
she doesnt even know theres many lesbian, gay, bisexual and even trans people who dont consider themselves „queer“. „queer“ is its own community and NOT an umbrella term for same sex attracted or gender dysphoric people (who are already not a coherent group). depending who you ask, asexuals and intersex people are also included. which basically makes „queer“ another term for „different“ (which is its original meaning completely lost here because we are in germany and only use queer in this context).
and since we had debates in the past i already know where it will go when we talk about it. she considers me to be extreme anyways so we will start with her wanting to reject my opinion. it will end with her saying „i cant argue with that (my arguments) but i still disagree“ because its so scary to start questioning all that while youre in these super „queer“ environments.
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this might be a little controversial, but i genuinely don’t understand why some ppl shove geto and gojo into heteronormative boxes to justify why they ship them the way they do. we’re talking about a gay ship here—why are we treating them like a straight couple?
i’ve seen ppl say geto is the “girl” in the ship bc he’s caring, he’s kind and considerate. because he wears robes that have dress-like silhouettes, has piercings and long hair. because he’s shorter than gojo. i think the worse part about it is when they take a small detail about him and turn it into something it’s not, like them saying that geto caring about gojo and asking him if he’s alright is a “wife-coded” thing to do. is being a good friend inherently gendered? is being gentle gendered?
these types of ppl also force gojo into being this alpha male caricature, a womanizer who’s emotionally unavailable, a trad man. they flatten his character into something that doesn’t even resemble him anymore all bc of a ship, all bc they want to perceive him a certain way. like, i promise u, gojo experiencing deeper emotions and being soft isn’t a threat to his masculinity.
gentleness/softness/tenderness does NOT cancel out masculinity.
(a little side-note: what is being masculine anyway? what is being feminine? it’s every person’s prerogative to define what those concepts are to themselves bc at the end of the day, ur lived experience is different from other ppl’s. keyword—yours, and only yours.)
dont get me wrong, i love fun gender hcs, especially if they’re personal to the hc owner, but outright saying that one part of the ship is the traditional woman gender role and the other half of the ship is the man, is…strange?? when they’re both canonically the same gender??
i love queering ships and using het norms in a subversive way, in a fun way, but when ppl apply this heteronormative rhetoric to a ship’s overall dynamic…making it as if the queer ship is a straight couple…right.
#jjk#geto suguru#gojo satoru#satosugu#gojo#geto#jujutsu kaisen#prefering one of them as the top/bottom is fine#wanting them to switch is fine#but why are we applying gender roles to sex positions#why are we applying gender roles to gay men#but idk ship the way that u want ig#im just another person on the internet complaining about fictional ships
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BREAKING MY SILENCE!!!
sorry im late but i was spamming one bestie with some more analysis thoughts on the borb while half scrolling through my fyp bc i do curate my experience ya know. BUT YOU GUYS. EVERYONE TAKE SEVERAL STEPS BACK AND A DEEP BREATH.
@oneginn I get your point and your post and I respect that, and I personally apologize for the boundaries that were set off with regards to some of my reblogs! I do recognize romanticizing toxic behaviors is BAD and a point of extreme concern, especially in real life! HOWEVER, at the same time, like you said! exploring and liking the darker themes are a thing, and fundamentally, people expressing their thoughts about it is part of the process, especially when writing about it in fiction. I believe that as long we do recognize the proper warnings AND DO give warnings, it's perfectly sane for people to post whatever in our personal blogs. Not to mention that while fiction has the ability to influence reality, some times fiction IS just fiction, and saying this from a place of love: IT'S NOT ALWAYS THAT DEEP. Sometimes the girlies just want some unhinged absolute gratitious smut, some girlies want the most heart wrenching traumatizing angst, some people want the most rancid and unhealthy parts to see how worse they can go, and some girlies want the soft slice of life absolute peaceful fluff AND that's why fiction is great, it can contain ANYTHING! Of course, it is still important to keep a critical lens on everything we read, but it's also important to keep in mind that it's a space where people can explore their boundaries SAFELY.
@shortstrawberry GIRL. when you said that i couldn't help but agree for a hot moment, bc EVERYONE needs a chill pill. But at the same time the arguement that it's just fiction isn't gonna cut it, bc there are too many flavors of fiction for people NOT to react. Thus, my earlier statements: that Fiction is a safe place to explore one's thoughts, no matter how dark it gets, but at the same time we have the responsibility in learning to recognize that there are still certain critical thinking we MUST do in order to properly handle such things. Not everyone is comfortable in what we create, and thus warnings need be applied. But otherwise, it's free real estate!!!
ALSO ough what anyone writes OR creates doesn't reflect their mental health or mental state!!!!!!!!! please you guys. sometimes exploring the possibilities is just that. EXPLORING. it doesn't mean the creator is a monster or a freak for making it. all content is a piece of artistic rendition, and just because the message is unpalatable to your senses doesnt mean it's garbage, nor of need to be censored. If you don't like it, simply click block and go!!!!!
As for the rest of the reblogs in the respective posts. Y'ALL. you dont WANT to start the kinkshaming discourse. But i'm on the side of NO kink shaming. As long as it's safe, sane, and consensual, who are YOU to judge the people involved? ... Don't forget the roots of the queer community. Our lifestyle was just kink to the majority then, and still is perceived by many conservatives as such. LEARN.
#i might have lost all braincells needing to type this out while monitoring the replies but dear miranda you guys.#personal.txt#resident lover
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Okay I've been thinking about this pretty much all day since I saw the hbomberguy and then todd in the shadows video i just have so many thoughts. While I wouldn't necessarily call myself a Video Essayist™ (I've only made a few over the years) as a youtuber and someone who has made video essays i definitely have more experience than the average person. There are so many things that stand out to me about this whole debacle i dont even know where to start.
First I want to just give a little insight into the process for making video essays from people who've never given it a shot and just how absurd it is to do the type of plagiarizing James has done. Video essays take a fuckton of research, even for pretty simple topics, but on top that you also have to make them with the medium of video in mind. it's really not enough to just take an essay you would write for a class and read it out loud. the flow is different, you have to have accompanying visuals, often background music, etc. They're a beast to make. My Twisted video for which i used literally two sources for my research (Sondheim's books and the musical Twisted) still took days of thorough reading, note taking, watching the musical, watching the musical again, watching the musical and taking notes, cross-referencing my notes, etc. For videos that synthesize multiple sources or are covering multiple pieces of media, that time goes up exponentially. Then there's writing, recording, gathering clips (often one of the most difficult parts depending on how obscure what you're talking about is), and editing. Even for a silly video like my Glee video, I still had to do a ton of research to make sure I was getting things correct, and that was a funny tier list about freaking Glee! There is just no way you could come up with a thorough analysis by just copying and pasting. Which brings me to my next point.
I think James may have thought (or more likely rationalized) what he was doing as analysis based on like the vaguest definition. When you do any kind of analysis, what you're doing is taking research from multiple different places (news articles, primary sources, existing analysis, etc.) and coming to your own conclusions, whether that's a synthesis of those different sources, or applying it to a specific thing like a movie. Really simple example is my Twisted video where I take Sondheim's writing and apply it to a specific piece of media (in this case Twisted). I'm using existing work but coming to my own conclusion. In the Spies Are Forever video, I took existing research about the Lavender Scare and the Hays Code, including primary sources from the time period, and applied it to the musical Spies are Forever. What James seem to do is take a bunch of existing scholarship, copy and paste it all together and then come to a "conclusion" that was not actually his own original thoughts but either "facts" he completely made up or something that didn't do anything to actually link his other "sources" together. I can see why it has the veneer of analysis, but making up a random "fact" you think might be true is not the same as a drawing a conclusion based on research.
I also think Todd made a really good point in the part about England's propaganda campaign against Italy around 9:30 that it's just really bad video making to not include examples of images from this so called propaganda campaign. I have a ton of examples of news clips, government reports, etc. in my SaF video about the Lavender Scare because...it was a real historic thing that happened! If something was supposedly so widespread and not even that long ago, you can probably find evidence of it somewhere. Kaz Rowe (who is also linked in the queer creators playlist on hbomberguy's vid) talked about this a lot in their video about tiktok misinfo where people often make these outrageous claims but the thing is if something so outrageous happened (like people constantly shitting on the floors of versailles), other people at the time would probably be talking about it somewhere. It's a big red flag when someone makes such bold claims and has no evidence to back it up.
Putting this last section under the cut because I go talk about WWII, Nazis, and HIV/AIDS a bit (watch Todd's video for some more context) so if you don't want to see that post is over here.
Lastly I wanted to talk about something else Kaz brings up in a lot of their videos when talking about historical topics and that is the tendency to dehumanize people of the past, often as unwashed, unintelligent masses who would just do any ridiculous disgusting thing because they were so stupid and disgusting. There are a lot of things to criticize about the people of the past and their actions obviously, but we cannot forgot that they were in fact, people. Real individual people with their own lives and dreams and ambitions and individual opinions and they have never been and never will be a monolith. Claiming anything is broadly true of "the victorians" or "the ancient egyptians" or whatever other vague historical group you want to talk about is usually a lot more nuanced than "they all thought or acted in this one particular way". I'm certainly not a historian and i've only done one history focused video but James Somerton seemed to make a lot of broad historical claims in his videos that I think fall into this trap.
The one that stood out most to me in Todd's video was the claim about Nazi body standards which is a whole mess in general that Todd goes into for a while, but the way he talks about WWII soldiers was just like...weird. Besides the fact that a lot of his claims about Nazis seem to be bordering on glorifying them and their aesthetics (gross), I think we should remember that WWII was less than a century ago. There are still over 100,000 surviving WWII vets in the US. My grandfather who was in the Army during WWII (he didn't serve overseas but he was an enlisted soldier I can literally look up his enlistment records in the national archives online) was a real person who I obviously knew personally and who died fairly recently. To think he enlisted because he was jealous of German fitness or whatever and wanted to prove how tough Americans are is an absolutely hilarious thing to think if you knew him. I'm sure there are as many reasons for enlisting as there were enlisted soldiers. When James talks about even as relatively narrow of a group as "WWII American soldiers," he's still talking about a very large group of real and diverse people and to make such broad claims that "most" or even "a lot" of them were just so taken in by strong german physiques or whatever is frankly insulting. I haven't watched the entirety of James video so maybe he does address this at some point, but from the clips I've seen it seems very generalized and implies some level of racism when WWII soldiers in fact included a lot of racially diverse people. IDK, i think if you're a supposed historical researcher and you're making a video about WWII and you don't know about groups like the Tuskegee Airmen or the Navajo Code Talkers, that's on you. I don't want to discount some of the really horrible shit that American (and obviously other countries) soldier's did in the war and how many of them held disgusting views (even my grandpa who I love dearly was not the most politically correct person to put it lightly) but Jame's claims are not criticizing any real ideology or the consequences of them, they're oversimplifying complex and harmful historical ideas and attributing them to something he pretty much made up. I'll also give you a little hint about something. When people fall into Nazi ideology, it's because they ultimately agree with the ideology, not for some surface level aesthetic reason of "fitness" or whatever. They are antisemitic, they are racist, they are eugenicists, plain and simple. They don't just think the Nazis are cool except for all their beliefs. I also think (and again I could be missing a part of the video here) the hyper focus on the Germans and the Soviets and not mentioning Italy is at the very least an oversight too. Mussolini, like Hitler and Stalin, had a pretty big campaign of promoting an ideal strong race which he tied to ancient Romans. Like this was also a country controlled by a fascist dictator that American soldiers fought in idk it just seems weird to me to leave it out. (okay edit i looked up the transcript and he does talk about Italian fascism a little bit but only about how Mussolini rose to power, nothing about his ideologies or anything really related to the main topic of body image).
And one more thing on that note that bothered me a lot. I think his claims about HIV/AIDS is probably the most well-known here on tumblr and has been pretty thoroughly destroyed by this point, but I do just want to say one more thing about it which is that AIDS isn't gone! I feel like they way he talks about it from what I've seen of this video makes HIV/AIDS sound like a problem of the past now that we have drugs for it, but that is just not the truth. There are still tens of thousands of new infections in the US each year and way more globally and yes, people do still die from it. I just don't like when people talk about AIDS as if it's this problem of the distant past, a separate era that people went through in the 80s rather than an ongoing epidemic that still does not have a cure. Safer sex, clean needle usage, and getting tested are just as important now as they were in the 80s and 90s and don't forget that.
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https://www.tumblr.com/damnfandomproblems/739064506502791168/fandom-problem-4499-i-think-sometimes-people-get
Thing is op
People like to use "coded" as an excuse to harrass others over a fictional character
"this character is minor-coded therefor if you like them or draw them sexy then you are a pedo"
"this character is gay-coded so if you ship them qith the opposite gender your homophobic"
"this character is autism-coded so if you dont see them that way you are ableist."
"this character is poc coded and if you dont portray them that way then you are racist"
And then they go and rip people to shreds over it. And most of the time they are actually "coded" as anything.
Ill give you a good example as to why coding should just fucking die in fandom.
In transformers (all of them afaik) there is a sentient ROBOT named Jazz. He is often voiced by a black voice actor, even in the early days of Generation 1 in 1984. Though it changes a few times Jazz is well known for his accented voice. Jazz (the music) is also known to be pioneered by black people.
In a way jazz is black coded. He is designed with all these elements related to black people.
The thing is. Jazz is a fucking robot. "Jazz" is the name he chose for himself because his cybertronian name does not translate or cannot be spoken by humans. Jazz is also a type of music he only heard when he arrived on earth and is something he loves, hence why he chose the name. He chooses to express himself in such a way because its what he enjoys.
It does not mean he is black. A white person can do all that because they have a love for jazz music. It isnt going to make them "black coded"
He is also again, a robot. Not human. Not even organic.
However of all the problems ive seen in the TF fandom the one about whether you should draw a human version of Jazz as black or white is probably the one thats sets people who give a shit off the most.
It doesn't matter what characteristics a character has. It doesnt matter if Jazz is drawn as black or white. Cuz he isn't human. Its literally up to fan interpretation and none of them are wrong but people want to shit fling, and react hostile over others not drawing him as black anyway.
Same could be said about a certain more popular pink skinned character (who is also human and japanese but when have people ever viewed japanese people as important.)
You can have your queer coded villains. Doesn't actually say they are queer. Hell in the past it would be done as a way to demonize queerness and traits. But queer people still loved those villains because they could relate to their tragedies.
What "coding" actually is, is a part of the design process to add depth and character. It's an inspiration born from reality. But it's not always that the character is meant to be that thing.
Theres a character from genshin impact i could say is "DID-coded" because when she falls alseep or is so stressed she passes out there is another version of her that takes her place that she doesnt know about.
In the same vein theres the game "At Dead of Night" (recommend it, its a horror game) where the main antagonist is possessed and murders people. They even had to put a disclaimer that the character didnt have DID and the game wasnt made to demonize people with DID or portray them as unstable serial killers. However despite the creators saying that, fans still "DID-code" the antagonist, not out of hatred for people with DID but because some people with DID still relate to the character. Not so much the killing people but the struggle the antagonist has with "being possessed". Having DID can be a frustrating and tiring experience and not many cope with it very well even when they do no harm. Feeling of loss of control is very relatable even without DID.
Regardless the rampant "coding everything trend" in fandom has caused a new "ship war" like wave of harrassment. If you dont view a character this was your a horrible person and you deserve *insert graphic content and threats of harm and suibaiting and more*
coding can be a cool thing to discover while analyzing a character or even creating one. But its become hated with good reason because people have no reason left in them. Coding is a cool way of adding depth and nuance to a character and would actually REALLY help beginners with their "bland" characters. Unfortunately even thats discouraged, since it can be seen as "baiting" or "stereotyping" and sometimes appropriating culture. (But a giant sentient robot making his entire personality about jazz music isn't? Lol)
Posting since this is a response to a previous problem.
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