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fiendishartist2 · 1 year

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but nothing's fair, at least for me -mp100

Tome couldn’t focus.

Her eyes glazed over and the words on the worksheet in front of her swam. Through the cotton in her brain, she registered the droning voice of her teacher. He waved around a textbook– probably recounting some historical event she couldn’t care less about.

Tome glanced around the room, resting her chin in the palm of her hand. Her classmates were in similar states of boredom; each face slack and tired. A few students were even asleep at their desks. Her gaze wandered to the handful of interesting faces she recognised– girls she found herself getting hung up on, despite the fact she was sure they didn’t even know she existed. And if they did, the impression she gave was an unflattering one. Between mind numbing classes and having to force herself to care about boys when the topic sprung up, all Tome wanted to talk about with the other girls in her class was the things she was passionate about. Of course, whenever she brought up aliens, telepaths, spirits and all other manners of the supernatural and felt herself finally engage with the conversation, everyone else disengaged. And soon, she was sitting in on another discussion about a celebrity who she had never heard of. Tome blew out a heavy sigh, ruffling her choppy bangs.

Now in her first year in highschool, Tome found herself friendless, clubless, and most depressingly– girlfriendless. Of course, it’s not like she could date in the first place– she didn’t know any other sapphics in the whole school, let alone her small social circle.

Sometimes, she let herself linger on random pretty girls in her classes. In times like these, she would abandon her school work and daydream about them. Maybe it wasn’t the best to lose herself in these elaborate scenarios, but she felt so under stimulated at school now, she found herself in her own head time and time again.

It was surreal– the idea that she could write love letters and confess her feelings with nothing more than a broken heart. She imagined walking hand-in-hand with the blond girl a few seats ahead of her; or taking the girl next to her to a cafe and eating cute little cakes and tea together. Tome forced herself out of that mindset before she could get even more lonely.

There were very real consequences for her true feelings. Her stomach turned as she pictured it: weird looks in the halls, insults whispered behind her back, alienation even worse than it was now. If she didn’t have wonderful, supportive friends back at Salt Mid, she would be worried about them turning on her too.

So, she elected to keep her feelings to herself. Every day, she just coasted by, drifting from class to class until she could go home and see her real friends. She threw herself into her alien research, eventually finding herself taking an interest in spirits and psychics. Which led her to an unofficial placement with Mob’s boss– a man who came off as sketchy, but knew more about spirits than anyone she had ever met. And she still appreciated the New Years trip Reigen took her and her friends on, on top of that. So, she found herself scurrying to Spirits and Such after school every day.

She walked to work with the same stance she took during school– head ducked down and watching the sidewalk with rapt attention as she contemplated her isolation. Maybe she would ask Mob to go on a hike with her on the weekend. Maybe that would take the edge off of the emptiness that had made a home in her chest.

The door chimed as she arrived at the office. Tome made a bee-line for her desk and crashed into her seat. She heaved another great sigh, catching the attention of the only full-time employee at Spirits and Such.

Serizawa cleared his throat, “Good afternoon, Miss Kurata.” He greeted politely. Tome nodded at him, sliding forward until she was laying across her desk. She stretched her hands out like a disgruntled cat.

“Hey, Serizawa…” She said glumly. Serizawa placed down his pen, turning away from his homework.

“Are you alright? You look a little upset.” He asked tentatively. Tome closed her eyes.

She contemplated whether she could confide in her coworker– she wanted help sorting out the tangled ball of feelings in her chest so badly. But, she had only known Serizawa for about a month; he was nice and very sincere, if a little jumpy, but that didn’t mean he could understand her in the way she needed.

She decided to bite the bullet. If push came to shove and Serizawa was an ass about it, Tome trusted Reigen to step in and help her. A loud swear came from the kitchenette in the next room and Tome smiled faintly.

“I just… I’ve been feeling a little off lately, I guess.” She scratched her cheek, “None of my friends go to my school anymore so…” She shrugged. Serizawa nodded slowly in understanding.

He hummed, “Why don’t you ask them to lunch sometime? Shigeo mentioned something about a park he wanted to visit last time he was here.”

“It’s not that,” she huffed, “I do stuff with them all the time. It’s different.” Papers shuffled as Serizawa packed his work away. He laced his hands together on his lap, giving Tome his full attention.

“How?” He implored. Tome turned to rest her other cheek on the desk, burying her face in her arm.

“Mmrhmmm,” She mumbled into her sleeve.

“Sorry, what was that?” Serizawa asked earnestly.

Tome sat back, frustration colouring her voice, “All day I just go to class, zone out, go to my next class, eat lunch alone, go to class– it’s so mundane! I don’t have a club to mess around in anymore, or even people to hang out with! And- and I haven’t even- uhm…” She stopped her rant, face growing warm. Serizawa kept giving her the same open look and Tome found herself actually wanting to tell him the other half of her problem. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to pick apart the knots her stomach had twisted into. She wanted to talk about it– it would swallow her whole if she didn’t– but deep down, she was scared. Tome liked this office and her shiny new job and weird but fun boss (even when he insisted every job was too dangerous for her and that she wasn’t actually employed). The last thing she wanted was to break the comfortable atmosphere she was just starting to settle into.

Because that’s what happened when she spoke her true desires– someone laughed uncomfortably, and a sharp and surprised “Oh.” would slip out between the tense silence.

Tome coughed, picking at a chip in her desk so she wouldn't have to face him. Her hair fell like a curtain in front of her face, shielding her from the inevitable judgemental twinge Serizawa’s gaze would take on.

“Well uh- uhm… sometimes I wonder if I- I-” she cleared her throat, “If I’m behind on the whole… romance thing.” Tome scratched at the desk harder, picking off the cheap veneer in longer strips now. She grinned despite the quaking fear in her chest, “Y’know because I’ve never had- never had a-” the words caught in her throat, choking her.

Something clinked on her desk. A cup of tea sat under her nose, steam curling up into her face. She took a sip, despite the way her stomach was twisting, and noted it was her favourite flavour. Serizawa smiled down at her, eyebrows quirked with worry.

“It’s okay to be a late bloomer,” he chuckled awkwardly, hands twisting in front of his chest, “To be honest, I’m about fifteen years late to the boyfriend game, as well.”

Tome’s neck cricked with the speed her head snapped up to stare at her coworker.

“B-boyfriend?” She sputtered, voice just above a whisper.

Did I hear that right? Is there hope for me afterall? She thought excitedly.

Serizawa nodded, gaze fixed just above her head at a poster on the wall. He smiled, melancholy, “Well, yes… shutting yourself off from the world and then joining a terrorist organization doesn't really open you up to a lot of potential relationships…" He started fiddling with his tie, setting it askew and, eventually, completely undoing it.

Tome shook her head– what might have been shocking to her when she started working there was now nothing more than a passing fact. 'My coworker was a psychic terrorist' was much less mindblowing than 'my coworker might be queer.'

"No, I get that part! But- but I mean- you- are you-?" Her words were jumbled, all trying to climb out of her mouth at the same time and ending up as gibberish.

Just as she was about to try again, Reigen burst into the main office. He waved his phone around excitedly, pointing at it and mouthing indistinguishable words at his employees. Serizawa gave him a thumbs up anyways.

"Right, of course. Yes. Thursday? Here, let me check our schedule…" He shuffled around a few papers, loud enough for the person on the other end of the call to hear. She craned her neck, spotting a half cut up grocery store flyer open on Reigen's desk. It was missing all of the coupons.

He clicked his tongue, "Looks like we're going to be pretty packed… Ah!" Reigen poked a random paper, "With a little rescheduling, it looks like I can squeeze you in at noon. 'That sounds great'?" He raised his eyebrows, grinning fox-like at Serizawa. Business had been slow lately– or so Tome thought, since she was only shooed out once or twice a day– so Reigen was putting all of his tricks to snagging clients to use.

Reigen ended the call with a sing-songy company-mandated goodbye, even going so far as to smile into the receiver. With a sharp 'clat', Reigen shut his phone.

"Alright, you two! We've got a big client tomorrow so I need you out of the office," Tome slumped back down in her seat, good mood extinguished immediately.

He rounded on Serizawa, pointing in his face, "And you-" Reigen froze, rant cutting off suddenly. With a sigh, he stepped right into Serizawa's personal space, nearly standing on his feet.

"Honestly, Serizawa!" He took his employee's tie into his hands, "Haven't I told you to stop messing with your tie? It makes you look unprofessional– which reflects badly on me, as your employer, y'know-" Reigen rambled. Swiftly, he redid Serizawa's tie, tugging on it until it fit snugly under his collar. Just as he was readjusting it– and patting down Serizawa's shirt one too many times– Tome found the words she wanted to say earlier.

Unfortunately, that meant she suddenly blurted it out in front of Reigen, as well.

"Are you gay?!"

Serizawa stiffened; the small smile on his face widened into a grimace. All of the colour drained from his cheeks.

Meanwhile, Reigen twisted to look at her in abject horror. More sweat than she had ever seen a human being produce gathered on his face.

Tome's stomach dropped.

You fucked up big time, Kurata. What happened to wanting to keep this job? Look at them– they're humiliated! Why can't you just keep your big mouth shut sometimes-

Reigen cleared his throat, dropping Serizawa's tie like it burned him. Unsubtly, he scrambled away from his employee.

"Well-!" He laughed, high-pitched and stilted, reminding her of a hyena. He took another step away from Serizawa, giving him a wide berth, "That's- y'see about that-"

Tome sprung up from her seat on unsteady feet. Ice cold hands wrapped around her stomach, wringing it. She folded, bowing so deeply her nose nearly touched her desk.

"I am so, so sorry, Reigen-san! I-I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable– or you, Serizawa-san!" Tears pricked in the corners of her eyes. Her heart was beating heavily in her ears, "I know that was weird to ask, I-I do-don't know why I did that." She tried to laugh, blinking away the wetness in her eyes. Tome came out of her bow, wobbly grin plastered on her face as she stared at the wall. She couldn't look Reigen in the eye and see disgust– that would be her last straw.

Tome picked up her untouched schoolbag, slinging it haphazardly over her shoulder, "I'll leave, it's fine!"

Before she could sprint out of the office, a clammy hand landed on her shoulder.

"Hey! Tome, it's– okay, it was a little bit… strange to ask out of nowhere," Tome hiccupped, face puckering as she held in her tears, "Shit! Look, kid, we're not mad at you or anything, okay?" Reigen crouched in front of her, raising his hands but unsure what to do with them, "Right, Serizawa?" He looked up for support; Serizawa answered with a strangled squeak. He hadn't broken out of his stock-still grimace.

Reigen stood with a huff. She turned again to leave– before being turned around once more and steered towards Reigen's desk with a hand on her back. He pushed her into the client's chair, settling in his own across from her.

"I'm not letting you leave in tears, Tome." He crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, "Now spill– why did you ask…" He cleared his throat, looking away as his face warmed, "that?"

Tome wanted to vomit.

"And don't say you don't know," he continued, pointing at her accusingly, "I can tell when something's up with you kids."

Tome sniffled, raising her gaze from her lap momentarily to fix him with a subdued look of amazement, "With your esper powers?" Reigen winced, covering it up with a grimace of his own.

"Ah, yeah… with my powers." He said dejectedly, "Don't change the subject."

She eyed Serizawa under her bangs; he still hadn't moved, wide-eyed shock on his face unchanging. She had a feeling he would never forgive her for this.

Reigen snapped in her face, bringing her back into their conversation. She drew in a deep breath, ready to make a big, roundabout speech to apologise to them both while brushing off the root cause of this whole problem. When she opened her mouth, all that came out was a sob.

"Tome-?! Jeez- Serizawa, get her a glass of water or something! Oh shit, kid- uh, fuck- please stop crying?" Reigen floundered. He had no idea how to get Tome to calm down. This wasn't anything like one of Mob's explosions– nor was it extreme enough to be like his recent, non-psychic meltdowns. Sure, Mob wasn't blowing up the office every time his emotions overwhelmed him anymore, but Reigen had known Mob for years; he could comfort or talk him down in the way he needed. He had just met Tome a month ago.

"I'm so lonely, Reigen-san!" She shouted into her palms, "A-an-and I ha-ate it because," she hiccupped, "there's no-othing I can do about it!"

Reigen was still reeling, but set aside his confusion. At least she was outright telling him what the deal was.

He reached across the desk to pat her on the shoulder.

"Take a deep breath for me, kid. You're going to faint if you keep that up." She nodded vigorously. He had to keep himself from making a face when she wiped her snotty, tear stained face on her uniform's sleeve.

"Sorry…" She mumbled, gaze fixed on her skirt as she smoothed out its wrinkles. Her voice was hushed and slightly congested as she continued, "I um… I guess I've been feeling a touch…" She laughed at herself. It was self-deprecating in a way that made Reigen's skin crawl; it was much too similar to the one that echoed in his own thoughts.

"Well, a lot lonelier, lately. And now that I'm in highschool… I'm wondering if… um," This was way worse than talking to Serizawa– looking her boss in the eye and telling him her girl troubles was worse than any kind of torture she could imagine, "If it's abnormal for a girl my age…"

When she chanced a look at him, Reigen's eyes were wide as dinner plates. Another round of sweat had broken out under his bangs and he was getting paler by the second.

"W-wait, if this is- I'm not qualified to deal with- you should really talk to your mom about that-" His strangled voice squeaked out.

"I'm a lesbian." She finally admitted it. The word hung heavy in the air between them. Doubt dug its claws into her the longer Reigen just stared at her without saying anything. A few moments felt like minutes to Tome.

She was about to take it back– run home and hide under the safe covers of her bed, playing Zelda for the foreseeable future instead of ever coming back to work– when Reigen deflated, a wobbly smile tugging at his lips.

"Oh god, Tome, is that it? I thought– well, I'm not sure what I thought you were trying to say, but I'm glad it's not that." He chuckled, relief written all over his relaxed posture. She gaped at him.

"You're… happy?" She hadn't expected him to blow up at her or anything, but she thought maybe it would be a little more awkward than this. Reigen's smile dimmed and he looked at her sadly.

"Did you think I was going to be upset?" She pursed her lips and nodded. His face fell again, but he quickly plastered a more neutral expression over it.

Reigen got out of his chair with a grunt, stretching a bit as he stood. He rounded the desk, leaning on her side of it. From behind his back, he grabbed the little paper cup of water Serizawa filled for her. She took it gratefully.

Reigen sighed, "Being queer is not the end of the world, trust me. I know it feels like that, especially at your age, but it's true. Soon, this stage in your life will pass and you'll find some place where you fit in. Just hang in there, kiddo."

She sipped on her water, "It doesn't feel like it'll get better." Tome mumbled into her cup. Reigen laughed, and it was the same insecure tone she took earlier.

"I know…" He glanced at Serizawa cautiously, "But look at me! Successful business, lots of friends, a bunch of you brats hanging around," She dodged the hand reaching out to ruffle her hair, giggling into her water.

"I'm perfectly happy where I am. I promise, you will be too."

Tome rubbed at her nose one last time, "Can Spirits and Such be my place?" She asked.

"You're going to have to talk to your teachers about that." He said, all business again. She huffed playfully.

"I come out to you– in tears, boss– and you're still bullying me like this?"

Reigen rolled his eyes, "Don't call me that until you're actually employed here, kid."

"Well then, don't call me kid until-"

Their bickering petered out as a long shadow cast over them. An oppressive atmosphere pressed at her back. She knew this feeling– it was one she felt often when Mob was around. Like someone had sucked all of the pressure out of the room and concentrated it in one person. It felt like unstable emotions; it felt like psychic powers.

Tome turned to see Serizawa towering over her.

His face was stony, eyebrows set low and mouth set in a hard frown. Her heart thumped loudly in her ears.

"Miss Kurata?" His kind voice muttered. She jolted, a wave of nausea hitting her immediately.

"Yeah?" She asked, just above a whisper. Tome's teeth started chattering.

Reigen tensed, gaze flicking between Tome and Serizawa. He sat up straighter.

Serizawa's hands were folded in front of him. He started to fidget, staring at his hands as he laced and unlaced them.

Suddenly, he looked up at Tome. A smile broke out over his face, the warmth of it reaching his crinkling eyes.

"Thank you for trusting us with something so personal. We're lucky to have you here with us."

She wanted to cry all over again.

Instead, she brought the two businessmen into an awkward, but tight hug. She squeezed them until Reigen was gasping for air and trying to pry her arms off of him.

Tome left that day with a new mission: become the best employee Spirits and Such had ever seen and win the friendship of its inhabitants. Which started with a formal employment form from her homeroom teacher.

#this ones a little older #idk if anyone else has this problem but i find writing more explicitly queer stuff like this is really hard #bclike i dont want to make it super cliche and ooc but its hard to put my own queer experience into words yknow?#im a lesbian therefor tome is a lesbian lol but seriously she is a lesbian. like canonically to me <3 #and i also feel like theres a certain shame i feel writing queer stories. like maybe its cringe culture poisoning-#-but i feel bad and embarrassed writing characters as queer and experiencing queerness + homophobia #hm well time to pack that away and hopefully never think about it again #tome's experiences here are directly influenced by my own btw. i've gotten that same ''oh'' many times lol #ppl arent expecting lesbians to be lurking in their groups ig #mob psycho 100 #mp100 #reigen arataka #serizawa katsuya #tome kurata #my fic #read the reigen manga #she is everything to me <3333333 #this is set before the reigen manga but after mp100 #serirei #a little. its in the background but its there #ik i say this everytime lol but i hope my characterization is good. thats the most important fic thing to me #title from arthur's song ''ivy league''

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thecarmillacurator · 4 years

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Feel Good and Closets - Meta on the Netflix Show with Mae Martin

I have soooooo much to say about this show. Every time I re-watch it, I find more layers of symbolism and attention to detail. There is very little wasted in each scene, not just in terms of what’s actively happening between Mae and George, but what would otherwise simply be things like costuming or prop staging.

Topics I’ve been dissecting in my notebook include 1) Why George is complex and not the stereotypical ‘straight-for-you’ character with the debilitating dose of internalized homophobia. 2) Mae’s issues of addiction, and insecurity, including that often still experienced by people who are out and open but don’t exhibit any readily apparent anxiety. 3) The sheer overwhelming amount of physical symbolism layered in to strengthen the storytelling, as mentioned above. 4) Additionally, I wouldn’t be at all opposed to doing a book club on Mae’s Book, “Can Everyone Please Calm Down?” discussing the overall suggestion in her comedy and apparently in the book that most people actually have a component of fluidity of gender and orientation, and that perhaps we might be making a mistake in making too big of a focus on it. (I am having trouble getting my hands on a copy, because of where I live, but I’m working on it.)

Along the way, the show uses several physical constructs as paralleling metaphors to each character’s main struggle. Closets. Coffee. Alcohol. The strap-on.

For George’s main story, here’s an outline of my thoughts on the “closets” and the closet-type stand-ins. (I cannot get enough of the well-chosen irony.) [READ BELOW THE CUT]:

Episode 1 - They’ve moved in together. Mae wants a big closet. (Her character’s motives are for this to be the start of a big, solid, permanent, long-haul relationship. She wants a place to put *her* stuff.) George wants her to have a small box. (Small boxes have meaning and are picked up throughout the show, too.) During their humorous, loving, but also serious discussion at the IKEA or wherever, George literally closes Mae into a closet as she’s expressing the desire to meet her friends and be brought into George’s outside life.

Episode 2 - Changing Room. They are shopping at the mall, and Mae is being adorable while whining about not being able to go to the wedding. George is lying about reasons Mae can’t go as her plus one. To distract Mae (possibly), George cuts off the discussion by asking George if she wants to go finger her in the changing rooms. Mae, like a happy puppy, says of course. Here again, Mae wants to be out in George’s social life; George pushes her into a closet.

Episode 3 - Supplies cupboard at school. George is feeling flirty and texts Mae, but is surprised when Mae actually shows up to her classroom as requested. Mae ends up shoved in the closet when one of George’s coworkers comes in, and left to stew for the entire class. (I think there might be something there for us in the misquote between Romeo & Juliet and MacBeth, but I’ll ponder on that more. Also kind of funny since The Hunger Games gets quoted in this scene and the first book of that trilogy is in part is expressly treated as a ‘star-crossed lovers’ story.)

This is the painful one, because it foreshadows the impending crisis/climax point for George’s story. This is the point where George finally begins to grasp that she hasn’t merely been trying to navigate difficult terrain in her social circle, she’s been actively segregating Mae from her ‘real’ life, treating Mae as a thing rather than the person who plays the most vital role in her life. It cluster-Fs from there, obviously, as the Climax hits (the party and the hospital).

Episode 4 - The midpoint of the show. This time, she suggests breaking into a little holiday hut, with a “Maybe I’m not as straight as you think I am.” It’s a small, enclosed place as big as (grant it *really large*) walk-in closet, designed to keep things private. Only this time, it’s a sanctuary space, not a storage one. It’s not designed to hide something from the world, but to keep the world out. This is the Resolution: She has made peace with all parts of herself as it relates to Mae. Now, for the first time, she’s in a place where she needs *Mae* to reassure her that they’re in it for the long haul.

Episode 5 - Interestingly, this time it’s Mae who goes to the closet. Twice, unfortunately. The first time is when she goes to put the strap-on on. (Also, perhaps we can imply she went there for the feminine nightshirt.) I would argue this is symbolic of her insecurity. (That’s for another discussion relating to the strap-on as a symbolic story arc, though.) Now it’s not George’s issues, it’s part of Mae’s psyche still struggling with who and what she is. And, then the second time, is when Mae leaves after George breaks up. Mae goes into that closet, the one that belongs to George because George said no to Mae’s big IKEA one for her own, to grab her bag and leave. I’d definitely love to hear other people’s thoughts tidying this one up a bit.

Episode 6 - When George brings Mae back to the apartment to ask her to come back, George’s mother busts out of the closet with a speech ready to read. There is absolutely zero warning or explanation for this event. In fact, it feels jarring in how nonsensical it seems. Except. I noticed they did the same thing with the first mention of coffee too, tossed it out in a way that made you go, ‘huh?’ I am convinced it is not accidental, or bad editing, or sloppy writing. Rather it’s designed to draw your attention to a particular metaphor to make you think about it. (Or, at any rate, maybe just to make writing geeks like me think about it.)

So why is it there? Because we’re completing George’s story arc (is it like an Epilogue? Still part of the Resolution of George’s arc?) and the closets have been the physical mirrors each episode of where she’s been in her metaphysical journal. And here, it’s the reflection that not only is she able to allow Mae and her relationship out of the closet as it relates to her social circle (for a second time, but this time while not on meds), she’s purposefully doing it in a way that is undoubtedly embarrassing to her and shows she’s willing to drag that other circle *to* Mae, to purposefully inconvenience that *other* part of her life to bring it to heel to her relationship with Mae, and for Mae.

Anyway, I’d love to hear your crit on all of this, and frankly any and all of your thoughts on this amazing piece of queer content. I’d love, absolutely love, if anyone wanted to engage in meta-crit discussions with me in reblogs, comments, DMs. Or, I even have a new, shiny, completely unused Discord server in my pocket meant for literary and film criticism for Queer content as a more dynamic and consolidated discussion platform if anyone is interested. (This is the first time I’m linking an invite to it, anywhere.)

https://discord.gg/9WaArzp

#feel good #mae martin #feel good netflic #feel good meta #queercrit #queer media #charlotte ritchie #film meta #literary meta #writing meta #writing crit

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