#bros an incel but he’s MY incel OKAY <3 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sugawarassoulmate · 1 year

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okok im back with incel!kenma

whats even worse is if you really can’t tell if you’re a guy or a girl, the type of person that gives gender envy. if you have longer hair he just assumes your like him and can’t be bothered to cut it.

OKAY THIS THOUGHT JUST HIT ME MID TYPING! YOU’RE THE BITCH NERD!/LOSER!KURO CANT STOP TALKING ABOUT. THERES TWO MAYBE THREE WAYS HE CAN FIND OUT ITS YOU.

also ik this isn’t one of your hcs for kuro but nerd/loser!kuro x mean!goth!gf but maybe you’re not mean to him but everyone else, people even look at him the wrong way and you have them absolutely terrified. and during your face chats with him you never have your makeup or you daily clothes on. normally just bare faced and in something of kuros. surpising how he didn’t pick up kuros old nekoma jersey

number one: maybe kuro posts a picture of you on his story possibly at your pc playing with incel!kenma. or it could be one of the spicy mirror pictures you made him post because why the hell is the dumb bitch from class feeling up on your man for. maybe you even rant to kenma about this dumb bitch who can’t keep her hands to herself, and why the fuck is she touching a taken man. (okay i think incel!kenma is misogynistic but not homophobic because why the fuck would anyone want to deal with some needy whore constantly.) but that rant solidifies the thought that you are infact a guy maybe not one who hates women on the same level as he does but a man nonetheless. but once kuro posted that picture he figured it out and was disgusted.

number 2: kuro is at your house studying, so to keep your boredom at bay you hop online with kenma, it’s about two hours in when he hears a knock shuffling in the back ground followed by the sound of someone falling onto your bed when he asked about it your response is casual “oh its just my boyfriend.” and he doesn’t pick at it anymore. but then the mic catches a familiar voice in the background. “pretty girl when are you gonna be done, i want to take a nap with you” you give a hum in response to his question. “alright bro gotta leave after this round, so we have to win don’t wanna lose the last match of the day.” obviously you land up losing because kenma can’t get his pretty little head around the fact that he couldn’t tell you were some fucking bitch, you never told him either so that makes you a fucking liar (even tho he didn’t ask). when the game disconnects he’s seething.

number three: this is the worst option really kuro begs him to come hang out with him at his girlfriend, he swears up and down that she’s not the type of woman he’d hate. promises that they have a lot of the same interests. maybe he sends a picture of you cosplaying as one of his favorite characters but that just lowers his opinion, in the photo he can’t even tell its you though. so he’s even more confused when he meets you guys at the arcade. he cautiously calls you by your in game name and you respond with a smile and respond with your irl name. he’s genuinely not sure how to react. not just bc you’re the person he’s been gaming with for almost a year, but with your thick ass platforms you’re just as talk as kuro if not taller. you literally look down at him, can he even talk shit about a bitch like you with out getting his as beat.

anyway this drug out for way longer than intended. but yeah incel!kenma making assumptions and being totally wrong. how funny would it be if he had a crush on kuros gf

bestie.....my beloved......all of the options just sound so amazing to me omg *kisses u*

the absolute torture incel!kenma has to go through upon finding out that 1) his favorite gaming buddy is a disgusting female, 2) she's dating his best friend and somehow he never knew, and 3) she's so fucking hot that kenma can't stop picturing her face every time he rubs one out.

and you just won't let him live you're so fucking mean to him that kenma can't even get a word in when you're roasting him. the only thing that reels you in is kuroo's soft, pleading voice asking you to be nice.

kenma's embarrassed that his friend has become such a simp but fuck if he didn't wish he was on the receiving end of your sweet words.

#haikyuu x reader #haikyu x reader #kenma x reader #kenma kozume x reader #kozume kenma x reader #🥀#🥀kenma #incel!kenma

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kittencomicslol · 4 months

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Gyutaro x reader requests :3

Requests are; Open!!

Hello hello hello!!! If u know me, u know I love Gyutaro (a concerning amount but hey we all have our struggles)

I most likely will not do full entire fanfictions but rather little headcannons/senarios. I’ve done these on my wattpad so for reference this is what I mean by that (no need to actually read this it’s just to show how i do my shit lol) but if you request something and I REALLLYY like the idea or if I’m pumped full of motivation, I might do a full one.

Edit; okay!! What the fart! The link won’t work ig no reference for yall

Here are some guidelines for what I will/wont write, and then under that I’ll set up a little master-List ^_^

Also sen I know you frequent tumblr and the ds tag aswell so helloo! Hello hello!! Ily!! :3

_______

What I will definitely write!! (If it’s not on here I can try, but this is stuff I definitely will do!!)

-Fluff, I love love LOVE toothrotting fluff

-Angst, depending on how mentally stable I currently am when writing

-Hurt comfort LOVE LOVE LOVEEEE hurt comfort

-Reader w disabilities

-Phobias

-Disorders

-Readers who have gone through past grooming/abuse (I feel u yall ❤️)

-Gore (it’s demon slayer like cmon it’s gonna happen at some point when it comes to something)

-Cannibalism (same sitch as gore, demons n stuff bro)

-Human reader

-Demon reader

-Yokai reader

_______

What I won’t/can’t do

-NSFW!! I am a minor :3 (ofc I can leave jokes or mentions of shit but I’m not gonna actually post nsfw as a minor)

-M! reader (sorry I just gen suck w it and I’m mostly writing these 4 me, I’m sorry 💔 this does not apply to mtf trans topics!! ❤️)

-Depictions of something unhealthy (grooming, gaslighting, abuse, manipulation, pedophilla, not cool stuff!! I can write this in hurt comfort/taking about trauma but I will NEVER make it something to actually do w the relationship)

-Yandere stuff (though I love this as a horror idea, a lot of ppl actually enjoy romanticizing yandere stuff which classifies as romanticizing abuse. That is totally not cool!! I hate writing that stuff bc it normalizes those topics to younger ppl reading which is dangerous!)

-Incell shit. I’ve seen too many ppl on here go ‘oh Gyutaro is an incell’ ‘I fought the incell accusations and lost’ well I DIDNT. I don’t care about the plot at all, Gyutaro literally RAISED A GIRL. IN THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT. He literally taught her to defend herself against creepy men!! Like cmon guys use critical thinking and common sense pls 😭😭

_______

I do not know how frequently I will be able to post/write. My life is literally in limbo rn and I am prioritizing myself‼️‼️

If you wanna ask just send it in as a question for my blog, I can work w it that way. Idk if that’s how ppl usually do it or not I’m new to tumblr but fuck it we ball 🔥🔥

And I am posting this 10 minutes before new years, let’s kick 2024 off with scribbles about our favorite demon boy!! <3

_______

Masterlist!! (Hc / fanfiction

!Human Gyu with an !upper moon reader

Random self indulgent fluff fanfiction

How Gyutaro would like to cuddle

Comforting him with snuggles n praise

#gyutaro #gyutaro demon slayer #gyutaro x reader #gyutaro x you #fanficton #x reader #demonslayer #demon slayer #kimetsu no yaiba #kny x reader #kny #demon slayer x reader #kimetsu no yabia x reader #gyutaro shabana #male wife #oh my god I’m litteraly in LOVE with this man

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etheries1015 · 2 months

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If you find the time; how would you describe the TWST guys in less than 5 words, badly.

Example: Cater - Selfie Gemstone

Oooo I like this HAHA I'll try my best but IDK IF I CAN PURPOSEFULLY DO IT B A D because I'm not that creative and funny. But I can for sure give a short lil' thing about each character of kinda how I feel about them.

Heartslabyul

Riddle- Mommy issues. Must protect <3

Cater- Slay girlboss gatekeep

Trey- just some guy

Ace- definition of a "man" (eye roll)

Deuce- sweet baby angel jesus Amen

Savanaclaw

Leona- annoying, but pretty (sorry leona lovers he doesn't do it for me)

Ruggie- real

Jack- Just some guy pt.2

Octavinelle

Azul - Capitalism, but he's cute so it's okay

Jade- Lawful evil (plotting)

Floyd- Chaotic Evil (horrifying)

Scarabia

Kalim- Chaotic good, bbg, classic sunshine

Jamil- Bag of unresolved issues

Pomefiore

Vil- bro i've been sitting here for the past 20 minutes trying to think of something but I really can't. I guess I can put "bag of trauma/unresolved issues pt...2 million" but that just isn't unique LMFAOOO (i love him sm)

Epel- Yeehaw, ur kneecaps r mine (me 2.0)

Rook- If the word "what" was a person (ynow what I mean?)

Ignyhide

Ortho- Sweet little robot angel, chaotic good.

Idia- Discord mod incel (it's a joke), gigabrain (genius)

Diasomnia

Lilia- Silly old man bat child anomaly (all of them simultaneously)

Malleus- Bag of unresolved issues pt.2, autistic (probably)

Silver- Could do no wrong (sweet angel pt.2)

Sebek- If the word "why" was a person (I don't even think I know what I mean by this but it felt fitting)

Let me know if you'd be interested in an actual analysis of how I feel about each character bc these don't do them justice HAHA

#twst #twst headcannons #twisted wonderland headcannons #twst dorms #twisted wonderland dorms #pomefiore #ignyhide #scarabia #diasomnia #heartslabyul #savanaclaw #Octavinelle #I would put everyones names but i'm too lazy for all that

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littlekohai77 · 10 months

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Hey bestie bro ฅ⁠^⁠•⁠ﻌ⁠•⁠^⁠ฅ This is my first time requesting so... May I request Ian and Elay relationship headcanons pls (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

Elay and Ian dating hcs

𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚔𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚎 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚘𝚘 :3

𝙷𝚞𝚐𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚔𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚞𝚞𝚞

𝙽𝚘𝚠 𝚒𝚖𝚖𝚊 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚒𝚝!

𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚘𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍, 𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚘𝚘𝚌

*･ﾟﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*ﾟ:*:✼✿　　✿✼:*ﾟ:.｡..｡.:*･ﾟﾟ･*

𝙸𝚊𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙴𝚕𝚊𝚢.

𝚆𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎𝚗'𝚝 𝚎𝚡𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚕𝚢 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛.. 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚠𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚜𝚒𝚌𝚜... 𝚂𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚐𝚘𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚋𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚏𝚏 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝... 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚢 𝚋𝚒𝚊𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜-

🅸🅰🅽:

He's very protective. Surprisingly protective. Like he won't let a damn pigeon get near you type protective.

He says "what if that pigeon is an assassin in disguise? "

And you just look back at him questioning why you like him.

He's so smart... And yet so dumb. Like, he knows the Pythagorean theorem but he doesn't know that pigeons can't kill humans.

Y'all gossip about people. Like you guys have the hottest of teas. You guys literally have dates where all you do is spill tea and talk shit.

The plethora of nicknames you guys have given Julien is unbelievable. Suit obsessed weirdo, jelly hair, smelly pants, 2nd ML, pussy deprived incel, jiyoungless, the guy with the weird smelling perfume, obsessive weirdo, stalker, the guy jiyoung would never date, rejected, rizzless.

You guys obviously don't use them around him and use them to conceal the fact that you're talking about him.... But I think everyone and their mom knows who you're talking about.

You guys are that one Pinterest couple. You always have the most trendy clothes and even if it's weird, you two still look good in them.

You guys have almost 4 million followers on Pinterest. Y'all are fucking famous but not for which family he's from.

But you guys never show your faces in those pics so, nobody knows that it's you guys. Even though people around you vaguely know.

He can't do chorus for the life of him. Like he's powerful, he can do sooooo much and yet he doesn't know how to wash a damn plate....

So you have to do everything, but he doesn't let that happen too. He's like, "Why are you doing the maid's work? "

And you're just looking back at him like, 'this is why you don't know how to do anything'

Sometimes you're fearing how he's gonna survive alone. Cause what if he gets kicked out? What's he gonna do?

He hates pets. He doesn't like cats or dogs or birds. He's not allergic. He just hates them.

He loves kids. He plays with most of the little children in his family. Every kid has at least three toys that they've got from him.

Everytime he goes somewhere, he always buys so much stuff. For you, his 1st cousin, 2nd cousin, 3rd cousin, 4th cousin, 5th cousin, 6th cousin-

He doesn't have a spice tolerance, which is why he can't eat most of the things that you cook.

But oooohhhh does he love sweets and candy. Honey is his favourite.

He begs you to make honey desserts a tonnn. Like he'll literally roll on the bed whining and let you braid his hair with silly accessories.

He doesn't like his hair to be touched. At all. Like it took about 2 months into the relationship for him to finally let you touch his hair.

He also doesn't like physical contact. But only when it's someone else initiating it. If he's the one to initiate, then it's okay.

🅴🅻🅰🆈:

He's a simple man with a simple wish, for his ducklings and you to live a long and happy life.

He's a great cook. He can cook for the both of you.

He tried to teach you once and I think we all know how that went down. Ever since then he never suggested it. In fact, he's been keeping you from stepping into the kitchen.

BEST BROTHER AWARD GOES TOOO!!! YOU GUESSED IT!!! ✨✨ELAY✨✨

You don't have to try to grow close with his brother. He won't mind (that's a lie) if you don't get along with his brother. He'll still be with you despite him.

In fact, his brother will be the one making efforts to be on your good side. Because he doesn't want Big bro Elay to be sad and wants to be close to his future sister-in-law.

Elay isn't someone who plays around. And when he does get serious about a relationship he does everything in his ability to be with them.

If he's with you, longer than minimum 6 months and maximum 11 months, it probably means he could be considering you as a potential candidate for the position of his wife.

He has the patience of a monk but he doesn't have the patience to remain with someone he never plans to marry longer than he needs to.

He likes to cuddle. But it's hard (pun unintended). His muscles are too hard. He's too ripped. So hugging him feels like hugging a rock. So y'all don't cuddle that much. And he's very sad about that. :(

Some things he does are so adorable and kawaii and so unexpected.

Like who could've know he has a cutesy kawaii voice that he specifically uses with you? His lil baby.

This is what y'all's texts look like,

Elay: come over (✿ ♥‿♥)

You: can't :3

Elay: why not? :(

You: busy rn :(

Elay: ( ⚈̥̥̥̥̥́⌢⚈̥̥̥̥̥̀)

And then he'll keep spamming you with sad emoticons till he finishes the popcorn he made for both of you to eat and watch the movie with.

He'll be really quiet when you come home.

He doesn't talk much or express that much emotion on his face but he can deliver a lot when it's necessary.

Like whenever you're insecure he'll sit down with you in front of the mirror and point out all that he likes about you and is beautiful, which is basically everything and if you say something like "but it's fat! And ugly! " he'll fight you with logic. He'll bring up how fake and pointless beauty standards are and how once upon a time being chubby was the standard and symbol for beauty.

He's not letting you bring yourself down. Don't even try.

#eleceed #eleceed x reader #world academy #world academy arc #eleceed elay #elay #ian #ian patrick

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roachemoji · 9 months

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Stranger Things - Season 3 thread 03 01

LETS GO GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay okay okay starting off strong 1984 i see you i see you all these bald men are so sweaty and shiny and exhausted looking.

OH THE VFX BUDGET WENT UP BABBBEYYY OH LOOK AT THAT SHIT THATS COOL AS FUCK

So El isnt the one who opened the gate OG?? Really sick that they needed that much power to do it only forit to backfire and some little girl could do it with ease - OUFH SORRY TO THE BITCHES WHO JUST GOT EXPLODED

i understand why the bald men are sweaty and exhausted looking

SO WHY DO THEY WANT TO GET IN THERE SO BAD!!!!! OH THIS IS THE RUSSIAN PLOT PART YEAHHH

is this like ....... wanting to win the coldwar type shit??? because we're past the space race and into the 80s.... (<- guy who doesnt know much about this specific subject of history tbh)

EL LOOKS SO GOOD - fucking hate seeing them kiss im so sorry it makes me so uncomfortable - FEELING REAL HOPPER THOUGH LIKE ITS ICKY but also damn KING GIVE UR KID SPACE

i fucking LOVE THE shift in colours in this season !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE ITS SO BRIGHT I LOVE IT!!!! AND STEVEEEE!!!!!! AND I FINALLY GET TO MEET ROBIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh this movie is foreshadowing some shit i can feel it. labesq SHIT!!!!!!! AND THEN THE POWER GOING OUT!!!!!!!!!!! this means things my brain is too small to make proper connections

OH SHIT LITTLE ME!!!!!!!

YEAH SEE Lost smoke monster !!!!! somethings thers i just know it

"im not gonna fall in love" "ok"

JOYCE MY BELOVED

booOOOOOBBBBBBBB!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DUSTIIINNNNNNNNNN

<- guy whose just REALLY EXCITED TO SEE THEIR FAV LITTLE MAN

GIRLIES WHO ARE WE LOOKING COOL FOR IM -

thought it waas gonna be gay forgot Billy existed

HOPPER IS ACTUALLY A FUCKING INCEL IM CRYING ITS BEEN LIKE 20 MINUTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KING OH MY GOD SHUT UP rooted for you but nah youve really always been like this

A Heart to Heart? What is that? <- man whose never been shown compassion???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THAT IS shut up

ngl tho me n hopper shaking hands how to you approach people about things without people helping you write shit out word for word

this entire board roOM REMINDS ME OF THE BEGINNING OF SEASON 2 OF FARGO - but she a woman TYPE SHIT AKSHJD

Nancy is. trying so HARD and girl i am so sorry

HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THE WAY HE TALKS ABOUT HER <3333

Steve. i got nothing to add he just. wow

ROBIN I LOVE HER I L OVE THE PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS ON THIS SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its romantic <- jealousy

Its gross <- somehow not jealousy tho sorry

Its bullshit <- jealousy

BRO ARE HE LLO WHAT PIED PIPER SHIT IS HAPPENING???? CRYING AT ALL THE LITTLE CGI GUYS LOOK AT THEM ALL!!!! THEY ALL HAVE LITTLE WHITE FEET THO???? THOSE ARE. exploding. theyre exploding. :(

ENOUGH OF HIM I DONT WANT TO SEE HIM I WANT TO SKIP THROUGH HIS MOMENTS I ACTUALLY HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH IM IN. PAIN. LIKE. OU GH. THE. SECOND HAND EMBARASSMENT IS? PAINFUL I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE HIM I HATE HIM IHATE HIM PHYSICALLY GAGGING

LUCAS AND MAX mAKE me so happy and MAx is still transmasc coded in my heaRTTTTT

DUSTIN BABY IM SO SORRY YOURE HAVING A MY CANADIAN GF MOMENT BUTSHES MORMON AND FROM UTAH

SHOWING MomEnts of Joyce being so happy and gENUINELY IN LOVE WITH BOB JUST HURTS SO MUCH HE WAS SO FUCKING GOOD. RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE

oh now we have shit with MAGNETS and the spaceship space race cold war babbeyyyy

DISEASE RATS!!!!!!!

HOPPER ASHING ON HIS FACE KING????? OW?????????????????????

This is so uncomfortable bro my dad did this to me once and it was horrifically misguided on his part and he was making some wild ass assumptions about my relationship with certain people and oUGADHADKAJSHAKSJH this isthe season of second hand embarassment and its PAINFUL

MIKE IS JUST MA KING IT WORSE PLEASE SHUT UP I OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I KEEP PAUSING IT BC I CANT HANDLE THIS

HOPPER H ELLO ????

THIS IS

BRO THIS fucking entire season is gonna be so fucking painfULLLL STOP STOP STOP like the. BROOOOO stop stop stop whose got a link to a breakdown of the family dynamics between everyone and how fucked up everyone is i cant even put thi sinto words im just losing my mind hopethis makes sense

SORRY DUSTIN I !!! GOD. PICKING UP RUSSIAN SHIT INSTEAD OF HIS GF SORRY

i literally cant handle this weird Billy fucking Milfs arc and i cant even begin to stress how much i fucking hate it and him. I have literally no room in my heart for that piece of shit

im SORRY to KaREN WHEELER THOUGH LIKE DAMN GIRL your mariage is in shambles and you really want to be fucked by THIS GUY ?

HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IDIOT FUCKING GET ATTACKED BY FERAL DISEASED RATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CALLING ALL RATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know he fucking dies but iM GONAN LOSE MY MIND DOES HE GET FUCKIGN KILLED BY STOPP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP THIS IS SO FUC NNY YEAHH HYEAHHH BABEY FUCKING GET HIS ASSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

#bo posting #stranger things #st #live blogging #AHHH OEADSKJH FUCKING EAH BABEY YEAH YEAH YEAH

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edward-lygma-ballz · 1 year

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THE BATMAN MOVIE TIER LIST PART 2

2006- Batman Begins: Gosh this movie is so good if I'm not being biased this is objectively the best movie in the dark knight trilogy. One thing I will say is I wish Scarecrow had more scenes in the movie but I absolutely love the one scene where he does spray Falcone but I wish I could've seen more. This was peak Christian Bale looks wise and I realized this last night when I was watching the movie. The Ra's Al Ghul plot twist was actually surprising the first time I watched this movie. Alfred was peak overall just amazing. VICTOR ZSASZ MENTION!?! Side note we need more live action Victor Zsasz. I would have to say this movie is S tier.

2008- The Dark Knight: HEATH LEDGER WAS EMACULATE. I do agree that he's just a film bros wet dream for the joker BUT I still love it. This move produced multiple iconic memes just overall so freaking good. If you want my biased opinion this is they best movie in the dark knight trilogy. I can quote most of the Jokers lines by heart and I once watched this movie 3 times in one day. The two downfalls of this movie are Rachel and Two-face. (Refer to meme in pt1) Harvy himself is fine but Two-Face just ain't it chief yknow. And I know Rachel's thing is that she's not like scared of criminals and not scared to stand up for what's right but something that really gives me the ick is when in the penthouse scene during jokers schpeel she just stands and and says "alright, that's enough." Or something like that. Idk it's just like did you really think that was going to stop this insane man?? This movie is A tier as well.

2012- The Dark Knight Rises: If mid was a movie it would be this one. While I absolutely love Bane in this movie I can't stand Catwoman (which is really weird for me cause I usually love her, and I've tried loving her but I just can't.) It's not like a horrible movie it's just not fantabulous. C tier.

2016- Batman Versus Superman: I saw it when I came out in theaters then never watched it again. It was okay??? Idk not much input, I was more interested in the origins of the other members of the Justice League tbh. C tier.

2016- The Killing Joke: Did not like the first 30 minutes. This was the first time I'd ever seen an animated movie based on a comic and don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't to see batman and Barbara Gordon make out w/ implied sex on a rooftop. The first 30mins aren't in the original comic at all. Last half of the movie sticks to the source material almost entirely and it was executed greatly. A tier.

2018- The Lego Batman Movie: OH GOSH this movie is really good. I can watch it with kids when I babysit and we can both enjoy it. Witty remarks, Robin is absolutely adorable, REFRENCES BATMAN (1989) MULTIPLE TIMES!!! Joker isn't a complete dick to Harley. PEAK JOKER DESIGN!! No bad remarks. S teir.

2021- The Long Halloween Pt1 and Pt2: Loved these movies. Wished they made Sofia Falcone look more like Carmine like they did in the comic but her character was still great. I also wish they would've kept the catwoman suit the same as in the comic. Was very easy to sit through almost 3 hrs of movies. Harvy Dent was portrayed amazingly. Once again nothing bad to say about these movies. A tier.

2022- The Batman: I LOVE LOVE LOVE INCEL RIDDLER AMD BATMAN!! I love paul dano in general but God he was so good even though he only had like 15min of screentime throughout the 3hr movie. Zoë Kravitz fucking killed it as Catwoman. Can't forget #daddyoz literally amazing. "what's black and blue and dead all, over? yyyoOOUUU." Bussin soundtrack, got me back into Nirvana tbh. I love the casting for Carmine, wait no I take that back. I love the casting for the whole movie, it was absolutely spectacular 👌. S tier

Anyway that's all guys, if you want to hear my rankings for other movies just ask and I can put them all into a big post. I can put this into picture format if yall want to see it but I'm too lazy to do it rn.

#batman #batman begins #the dark knight #the dark knight rises #the killing joke #the lego batman movie #lego batman #batman the long halloween #the long halloween #the batman 2022 #the batman #tier list

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thelakesuite · 3 years

Note

Best Milf: Rose. Yas girl, rase your reincarnated grandfather blond girl child thing. 10/10 would let her steal my bones any day

Middle Milf: Emma. Plant mom, v cute, but you can bet she'd never shut up about her missing son. Also she fucked a flower that's weird. 6/10 don't take her to the Botanical Gardens

Worst Milf: Mary. Idk she's just kinda boring. Probably plays bridge for fun and smells like old lady, despite being like 40. Still, probably a good mom, makes nice chocolate chip cookies. 3/10 don't give your infant son wine he'll become a murderer

Best Dilf: Samual. Underrated king. Very friendly soft guy, likes carpentry and violin, has a thing for edgy girls that will step on him. Sure he was a bit of a dick as a kid, but who wasn't? 9/10 cutie patootie

Middle Dilf #1: Dale. Okay I know he's not actually a father, but he's got the right energy. The definition of "smart idiot". Probably makes killer mac & cheese. But also doesn't shower and has crippling anxiety and alcoholism. 7/10 make sure not to mention his birthday.

Middle Dilf #2: Nicholas. Okay he's an objectively bad person. The death cult, alchemy research and murder of his wife don't help. He also turned his first son into a god. Not a nice guy. But... The Dilf vibes are undeniable. Seriously, what a silver fox. 4/10 has a deer fursona

Worst Dilf: Albert. Seriously guys, idk what you find so hot about him. Man was the ultimate incel before the term incel even existed. Kept his nephew hidden in a well for several decades just because his sister laughed at him once. The scar isn't cool or edgy, it just messes up his hair. 1/10 seriously bro get a hobby, Ida's not gonna fuck you.

I spent 20 minutes on this I hope you appreciate it

damn you writing me whole essays

#exact same reasoning on sam ^_^#funny thing. ive never seen albert called hot. only people complaining #yeah mx triplets is all ova him but thats more of a same trauma deal methinks

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skeletondreadful · 3 years

Text

Book 3, Chapter 28

I don’t know what’s going on anymore but I’m not fucking starting over so I’ll just deal with it

Einahpets is rude

Something feels weird about Einahpets...

Feels weird listening to a grown man describe a child shower

“Nothing about her appearance that would cause her parents to worry” is a very weird thing to say and it feels like foreshadowing

Ew she has to stay with Beryl and horrid uncle whose name I forgot? Gross

“Romance should be saved for people like me” CHILD. NO. Baby child, you know what happened to the last fantasy fourteen year old that wanted romance? She had to clean up after seven grown men then was killed by her step mom and a pedophile/necrophiliac kidnapped her

Bro you’re leaving the country and the EU doesn’t exist yet, yes you need a passport

Y’all can travel in the eu without a passport right?

Fathers in media are always depicted as incompetent to a degree, it’s weird. I know exactly where my passport is. My high school diploma however, I lost for like two years before I found it again.

“Boy are horrible” I mean...... y’all have seen Fletcher Wren

Someone remind me who Remus Crux is I can’t fucking remember

Is he the incel from the wizard cops?

Yes, okay, cop incel wizard

This man is annoying someone kill him already

Murder is fine if it’s an incel

“Skulduggery lead you astray” I.... he’s kinda not wrong there, Skul is a 50 year old dead man teaching a child to do crime and arson

Crux trying to get through the door to Steph

I hope my bf and I aren’t like Val’s parents when we have kids they’re kinda annoying

Chicken chase theme song or whatever the fuck Crux is chasing Steph

A van, oh god they have candy

Oh that’s not candy that’s a cleaver

Jesus Christ

Her dad is friends with a farmer, wild

“That’s what I said about marrying Annie” sir if you make a SINGLE “I hate my wife” joke I’m coming through this screen to strangle you myself

A ride from a friend

Oh no

Crux is a fuckboy

Yaaaas king beat his ass!!!!!

Oh fuck

They just knocked out farmer Alan!

I think Crux should be executed

Okay but we know full well that Skulduggery is gonna come get Val/Steph

#skulduggery pleasant #skulduggery spoilers #book 3

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the-black-birb · 4 years

Text

𝐀𝐤𝐚𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐅𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐢'𝐬 𝐕𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐁𝐚𝐝 𝐃𝐚𝐲 (𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟐!)

This fic features Bokuto, Akaashi, Kuroo, Kenma, Futakuchi, and a reader character. There are no explicit romanitc pairings.

Warnings: swearing and poorly attempted humor

Summary: a bunch of idiots go go an ice skating rink. Chaos ensues

A/N: this is part of a collaborative fic with ellie (@babiekeiji ) for qee's bday!! Happy birthday cutie ilysm

QeeDay Masterlist

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3

--❤--

[DIRECT MESSAGE]

Friday, 7:16 PM

waiyenn and futacoochieslayer are online!

waiyenn: KENJIIII ヽ(^o^)丿

futacoochieslayer: wot do you want from me

waiyenn: c’mon it’s the eve of my birthday be nicer to me

futacoochieslayer: but it’s not your bday yet 凸-_-凸

waiyenn: .

futacoocieslayer: wazzup

waiyenn: soooo about ice skating …

futaocoochieslayer: man don’t cancel on me now

futaocoochieslayer: i already bought passes

futaocoochieslayer: no one else is free

futaocoochieslayer: i’ll have to invite koganegawa

futaocoochieslayer: you want to see him on ice? i’ll be miserable

waiyenn: shut up im not cancelling

waiyenn: yet

futaocoochieslayer: go ahead and cancel its ur bday not mine, luv

waiyenn: make up your mind drama queen

waiyenn: anyway i invited a few of my friends along

futaocoochieslayer: ….. who

waiyenn: yk, akaashi and kenma…

futaocoochieslayer: they’re quiet

futaocoochieslayer: they’ll stay out of my way

futaocoochieslayer: that’s fine

waiyenn:... and kuroo and bokuto

futaocoochieslayer: is that

futaocoochieslayer: the chest receive guy

futaocoochieslayer: with the really nice ass

waiyenn: that’s the one

futaocoochieslayer: who won’t shut up.

waiyenn: :)

futaocoochieslayer: it was supposed to be a nice evening yn

futaocoochieslayer: we were supposed to bond

waiyenn: it’s my birthday kenji

futaocoochieslayer: ofc my bad

futaocoochieslayer: your birthday, your right to ruin it

[DIRECT MESSAGE]

Friday, 9:08 PM

akaashi and futacoochieslayer are online!

futaocoochieslayer: you’re the voice of reason, right?

akaashi: Pardon me?

futaocoochieslayer: listen idc if you guys come along

futaocoochieslayer: hell, please come along! maybe it’ll make me look better

futaocoochieslayer: but i’ve been trying to get a date with yn for months

futaocoochieslayer: don’t mess this up for me

futaocoochieslayer: and don’t let your friends either

futaocoochieslayer: sweet dreams (✿◠‿◠)

akaashi: Oh my

akaashi: Alright, I’ll do my best.

[SILENCE, BOKUTO]

Saturday, 7:56 AM

akaashi, applepi, and tetsubro are online!

akaashi: bokuto.

applepi: akaashi not capitalizing??

tetsubro: oh bokuto’s got him MAD mad

tetsubro: y’all pray for my boy bokuto nothings wrong w him he’s just a dumbass

akaashi: bokuto get online this instant

tetsubro: bold of you to assume he’s even awake at this hour

captain_daddy is online!

captain_daddy: guys you wont believe what happened

captain_daddy: i woke up to chills

captain_daddy: do you think a ghost was in my room???

captain_daddy: maybe i could get on buzzfeed unsolved

applepi: i think u have to worry about more than a ghost

akaashi: bokuto.

captain_daddy: agaaashi ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

akaashi: would you like to share with the class what you and yn discussed?

captain_daddy: oh yeah!!!! i asked her if we were on for saturday

tetsubro: and she said…?

captain_daddy: we’re going ice skating instead!!!!

applepi: we’re going what?

tetsubro: bro u can italicize text????

tetsubro: that’s meta

akaashi: We’re what???

akaashi: when did we ever agree to that...

captain_daddy: ice skating!! it’ll be super fun!!!!

akaashi: Who are we ice skating with?

captain_daddy: yn ofc!! and someone else she said…

captain_daddy: futaba?

applepi: from persona?

akaashi: -_-

tetsubro: poor akaashi…...

tetsubro: what has the world come to

akaashi: do you mean futakuchi?

captain_daddy: yeah!! that one!!!

captain_daddy: ur so cool akaashi

captain_daddy: how do you know him?

akaashi: Long story.

tetsubro: wait if it was just supposed to be futakuchi and yn

tetsubro: ...are we crashing a date?

captain_daddy: nah yn didn’t say anything about it

appepi: she didnt say or u left too early for her to explain?

captain_daddy: nah bro she invited us

tetsubro: you’re sure?

captain_daddy: yes

tetsubro: positive?

captain_daddy: yes, bro

tetsubro: bro (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)ﻭ

captain_daddy: BROOO!!!!! ٩(♡ε♡ )۶

akaashi: yn might not think it’s a date, but Futakuchi does.

tetsubro: huh?

tetsubro: HUH?????

applepi: fucking hell

applepi: lets get this over with

Saturday, 10:36 AM

waiyenn created group [PARTAYYYYY]

waiyenn added futacoochieslayer, akaashi, applepi, tetsubro, and captain_daddy to [PARTAYYYYY]

everyone is online!

waiyenn: is everyone ready to embarrass ourselves on ice •̀.̫•́✧

futacoochieslayer: first person to fall buys lunch

applepi: no one’s going to fall for that

captain_daddy: UR ON FUTABA

futacoochieslayer: falling includes getting pushed over :)

tetsubro: it’ll be a miracle if no one ends up in the hospital by the end of this

akaashi: No one is going to the hospital today.

akaashi: We’re going to follow the rules that they have.

akaashi: If anyone can’t skate, they’ll have a partner and stay close to the wall.

tetsubro: @captain_daddy will u be my partner?

captain_daddy: ofc bro

tetsubro: bro…. (｡>﹏<｡)

futacoochieslayer: yn

waiyenn: no lol

futacoochieslayer: i didnt even ask

waiyenn: you’ll drop me

futacoochieslayer: i’ll fall for u ;)

waiyenn: man wtf

applepi: im gonna hurl

applepi: wheres the skating rink anyways

futacoochieslayer: u dont know?

futacoochieslayer: lmao scrubs

futacoochieslayer: dont u live all the way in tokyo?

tetsubro: shit

captain_daddy: wait are we gonna miss it TT TT

appepi: bokuto ur literally sitting on the train next to me

applepi: We’re on the way to Miyagi

waiyenn: kenji can u send akaashi the address

futacoochieslayer: why do i have to

waiyenn: (｡ŏ﹏ŏ)

futacoochieslayer: fine.

akaashi: I’m sorry, yn, I think we’re going to be a little late.

futacoochieslayer: more time for me and yn :)

waiyenn: it’s ok guys we can wait for you

tetsubro: wow yn

tetsubro: so cold

waiyenn: ???

applepi: ur just as bad as bokuto

[DIRECT MESSAGE]

Saturday, 12:43 PM

akaashi and futacoochieslayer are online!

futacoochieslayer: [address]

futacoochieslayer: don’t. ruin. this. for me.

akaashi: I don’t have to

akaashi: I’m fairly certain you already ruined this for yourself

akaashi: Did you ever consider tell yn this was supposed to be a date?

futacoochieslayer: ah fuck

[PARTAYYYYY]

Saturday, 1:27 PM

waiyenn, akaashi, applepi, tetsubro, and captain_daddy are online!

captain_daddy: WE’RE IN MIYAGI BABYYYY

akaashi: We’re headed your way now.

akaashi: Are you at the rink?

waiyenn: nah we went to grabbed some lunch while we were waiting

waiyenn: there’s a panera bread that you’ll pass on the way

tetsubro: futakuchi paid for lunch right?

waiyenn: yes lol he’s not that bad

applepi: i see the panera

applepi: is that futakuchi with you?

captain_daddy: HE’S SO TALL

tetsubro: word

tetsubro: from the way he was texting i was expecting an incel

tetsubro: he looks more like a chad

waiyenn: lmfaooo

futacoochieslayer is online!

futacoochieslayer: srsly yn this is why u were staring at your phone

futacoochieslayer: whatever happened to having a conversation

waiyenn: okay grandpa

futacoochieslayer: that’s grandaddy to you

waiyenn: (▀̿̿Ĺ̯̿▀̿ ̿) i cannot see

futacoochieslayer: oh

futacoochieslayer: kuroo, right?

futacoochieslayer: i am a chad ;)

tetsubro: *///*

tetsubro: oya?

captain_daddy: oyaoya?

tetsubro: oyaoyaoya?

applepi: sigh

akaashi: Since we’re here can we please all stop texting.

akaashi: If you put your skates on wrong because you’re distracted, it’ll be dangerous.

waiyenn: yes mom

#QeeDay #haikyuu fanfic #futakuchi x reader

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fategrandorderimagines-blog · 5 years

Note

Who are the top 5 servants in your opinion who you'd think would be chilling out and looking at memes/old vine videos with you?

TOP FIVE SERVANTS WHO WOULD CHILL AND WATCH VINES/MEMES WITH YOU

yes i answered ask, woah look at me go..

1. Achilles

-okay do i even have to elaborate on this one, he is literally the one who will ask beg you to watch videos with you

-especially loves cursed photos and videos

-after watching vines you can bet your ass he will be a walking vine vendor for the next week,

“hey babe can you hand me the tortillas in the outside fridge i forgot to bring them in”

*achilles proceeds to shuffle run to the garage and grab the tortillas while screaming* “HURRICANE KATRINA, HA MORE LIKE HURRICANE TORTILLA”

needless to say you are not amused

-also, he can and will use the printer to print useless images of random shit that hold no context and tape on your wall, his wall, and everyone's fucking wall

-joins meme discord servers on the weekly and you always know hes on call when you here him shouting “ON JAH BRO FR” from his room

2.Merlin

-of course it will probably end up with him asking, “what is the vine” and you proceeding to show him the epitome of earth’s finest history it has to offer, “enough history and prosperity to rival great britain” is all you can reply with

-i think he’d be pretty confused at first but then slowly understand and become the bro to watch vines with

-did i mention he really likes vine, like he really likes it

-in 2019, he would get tik tok, and he would be famous, but only by winning his entire following on the basis of his ‘make vine great again’ campaign that literally involves multiple letters to many people asking for sponsorship to create a new vine, and it would probably end up in a super weird raid at a rite aid like seen previously with the area 51 raid

-also when he finds out about the area 51 raid, he shows up as the incel he is and dominates, he made it in

-this man knows what is inside area 51 and will not tell anyone

-all in all he really becomes attached to vine to the point of addiction and da vinci will have to figure out a way to block him from all vine content on chaldea pcs

3.Musashi

-okay maybe this is just me, but i think that she would love meme comedy

-she would probably open a social media meme page shortly after being introduced to memes as well

-now owns one of those private e girl meme pages that has like 112k or some bs like that

-really loves to cuddle up on the couch and blast callmecarson, quakity, or soothouse videos

-this leads to her wanting to play minecraft and you cannot change my mind

-by the way she gets really good at playing minecraft

-practically a+ gamer girl

4.Robin Hood

-he is amused by mortal comedy

-one must understand nothing to comprehend such glory

-he goes hard with this shit ngl

-LOVES cursed videos and sees vines as the treasury of human kind

-2am, you look down after getting a notification, ‘robabe with the hoodie’ has sent you a message,

“holmes when we dealt with camelot”

“don’t tell holmes istg”

-one will never recover the lungs from such feats of glory

-he somehow finds super old vines that make no sense but are stupid funny and should’ve been appreciated

-has designated days on the calendar based on moon cycles and political events for watching memes, don’t even ask i still don’t even know how he does it

-basically fills his entire camera roll with the same photo of obama and regularly asks what his last name is

5.Gawain

-thot boy of the round table googles ‘wtf is a cursed image’ after he overhears you talking about it

-he instantly gets hooked

-not only is it fucking hilarious but it’s a great way to bond with master

-finds peace and happiness when he is laying on the couch with you after laughing his ass off all day at cursed videos, memes, and tik toks (oh yes my greatest fantasy this is totally not why i included gawain)

-lazy sundays of vine watching makes his entire months, never doubt this

-sometimes he prints out spongebob or kermit appreciation posts and sticks it on your mirror so you'll see it in the morning

-very classy gawain, now we know why he’s so charming

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avanneman · 6 years

Text

Amy Chozick’s Chasing Hillary: You don’t have to be a pr*ck to work for the New York Times, or the Clinton campaign. But it helps! A LOT!

Newspaper reporters are not like you and me. They believe newspaper reporters are important.

That’s one of the takeaways from Timesgal Amy Chozick’s new opus, Chasing Hillary Ten Years, Two Presidential Campaigns, and One Intact Glass Ceiling, a political campaign book with a difference, because it’s more about Amy than about Hillary, about how a compulsively over-achieving Texas Jew from the sticks fought her way up to the tippy-top of the journalistic food chain so that people could shit on her.

That’s Amy’s picture of life at the top: everybody hates you. Your “colleagues” try to undermine you, because they want all the good stories for themselves. Your “sources” try to crush your spirit, make you their bitch, so that you will write what they want you to write. People are always trying to “get in your head”—make you afraid, psych you out—but it’s also an accusation—“Are you getting in my head?” which is somehow seen as horrible, even though, as Amy tells it, that’s really the whole point of life in the Big City, to make others subservient to your will.

The “One Intact Glass Ceiling” line in the title (probably the publisher’s idea) has encouraged a number of ax-grinding reviewers to seize on Amy’s book as proof (as if they needed any proof) that the mainstream media were in the tank for Hillary. But they were just looking for a hook, an angle. Amy wanted Hillary to win, not because she liked her, but because the election of the first woman president would a Great Story, which Amy would write! And thus, in her own mind, become immortal.

The old-fashioned dream/fantasy of some reporters that, if the media reports "the truth" the people will make the "correct" decisions, in the voting booth and elsewhere, is largely absent from Amy's world. However, she does feel that she, and the rest of the media, were deeply "burned" by the Russian/WikiLeaks hacking of the Democratic National Committee emails. The hacking, not the DNC's inside gossip, should have been the story.

Although Amy tells us “no one else could fascinate and inspire and infuriate me all at the same time the way Hillary could,” I never got the feeling that that was true. Chozick seems to have no interest at all in Hillary’s “ideas”1—what she stands for—and thinks of her almost entirely as an awkward yet remarkable obsessive compulsive who has willed herself into the national spotlight out of sheer ambition (like Amy?), one who, moreover, deeply distrusts all reporters in general and hates Amy Chozick in particular.2

In fact, there’s plenty of reason for Clinton’s distrust, for, as Amy tells it, there’s nothing Amy likes more than embarrassing people, though she’s always bewildered when they resent it. One of her most favorite “scoops” occurred when she learned that the Clinton Foundation, to obtain Natalie Portman’s appearance at an international event, bought a first-class ticket, not just for Natalie, but for Natalie’s dog! For both Amy and her editor, Carolyn Ryan, the cream of the jest occurs later, when Republicans reference the ticket for Natalie’s Yorkie in a fund-raising pitch. Because that’s why Timesgals get up in the morning: so they can help Republicans raise cash.

In the real world, of course, the Clinton folks probably felt lucky to get Natalie for the price of a first-class plane ticket for her dog, instead of, you know, the price of a first class plane! “A big one—the kind you can stand up in. He has terrible claustrophobia.”

When Hillary 2016 was just a glimmer in someone’s eye, Amy wrote a cover story (a cover story!) for the New York Times Magazine, “Planet Hillary”, filled with both la-di-da graphics and zingers (many of which she recycled for this book), which began as follows:

“Hillary Clinton was nodding solemnly to the mother of a 9/11 victim when Huma Abedin, standing across the room, called out, “Let’s load!” to the staff members and bodyguards. The former secretary of state had yet to pick up her award from the Voices of September 11th, but her entourage was already preparing to shuttle her off to the next event, a benefit for God’s Love We Deliver, which was co-hosted by the designer Michael Kors and where she would sit next to the Vogue editor and former Obama bundler Anna Wintour.”3

So, to summarize: “Sure, 9/11 mothers are important, but we’re talking Anna Fucking Wintour here! Move your crab-ridden ass!”

In her story, Chozick organized dozens of Clinton folks into various categories, from “The Inner Circle” and “Chelsea Patrol” to “The White Boys” and “Poseurs”.4 For some reason, Team Hillary, aka “The Guys”, didn’t appreciate being held up to public ridicule in such a manner and demanded a meeting with Amy, who tells us that “I apologized. I said I’d try to do a better job next time and I’d be more careful moving forward. But that just pissed The Guys off more. The shrinking violet act and all.”

At the same time, Amy tells us that she feels she was set up, innocently reporting intramural backstabbing and payback as fact, which sounds sort of like, you know, bad reporting to me.

As you might guess from Amy’s opening paragraph, Amy likes to think of herself as an across the tracks gal, who had to fight her way up from nothing to make it in the Big Apple, her path blocked every step of the way by entitled Ivy League pricks and shits, but her specific motivation isn’t revealed until she goes to a Hillary rally at Washington Square (in New York City), where Hillary is passé and Bernie is le dernier cri:

“I dove into the crowd like an anthropologist, eager to understand why young women, in particular, weren’t With Her. But as I talked to so many students from NYU—and as their mouths moved and I followed up with “What’s your major?” and “How do you spell Delilah?”—I was secretly seething with resentment. I’d wanted to attend NYU ever since our seventh-grade Hobby Middle School trip to Washington and New York.”

But NYU cost $25,000 a year back then, so Amy has to settle for UT instead. But now, all of a sudden, confronting these Bernie chicks, she’s proud: “I looked at these twiggy, unshaven girls living in the West Village on their parents’ backs. … My envy began to fade. I’d been a brat.” Of course, she’d been living in Austin—which somehow manages to think of itself as cool—on her parents’ backs, with a ring in her nose—“a silver loop too big for my face that sat in a dollop of pink pus on my left nostril.” Well, you’re only young once, and she was saving her dad $21,000 a year.

Unlike conventional campaign books, which describe, you know, the campaign, Chasing Hillary is largely about Amy, about the frenzied, pointless exhaustion of covering a presidential campaign—driving down deserted roads at midnight during a blinding snowstorm to cover a meaningless speech in Wherethefuckarewe, Iowa, pigging out on junk food until your fat pants don’t fit you, wearing the same clothes for three days, losing any semblance of control over your Jewfro5—but it’s not all about her. Chozick has some shrewd things to say about Bill and Hillary—in particular, the extent to which they did sell out to Wall Street, for both political and personal reasons. She describes accompanying the Clintons on a philanthropic tour of Africa, staying at the Saxon Hotel in Johannesburg, once the palatial residence of South African billionaire Douw Steyn. Bill, naturally, has his own private luxury bungalow: “Yeah, I always feel slightly guilty staying over here,” Bill tells her. “But I get over it.” Hey, livin’ good and doin’ good. You can’t beat that!

In 2008, Amy caught Hillary saying some interesting things about NAFTA, which was still okay to like: “The benefits haven’t been uniformly distributed.” Unfortunately, she didn’t follow up on that. As Amy tells it, Team Hillary decided that they didn’t need angry white guys, even though, clearly, the electorate—a large chunk of it, anyway—was angry, as Hillary found out in the form of one Bernie Sanders. Chozick, because she didn’t trash Hillary 24/7, got a good taste of it in the form of endless emails from the Bernie Bros, ragin’ incels whose only form of sexual release seemed to come from calling women “cunts”.

Amy clearly believes that if Team Hillary had listened to Bill, with his old-fashioned ideas about going after working-class white voters, she would have won. I believe if she had used the State Department server, she would have won, comfortably. I also believe that if she had been a sensible secretary of state, persuading Obama not to invade Libya instead of invading it, she would have won going away. I also believe that if Obama had been more concerned with catering to the middle class, instead of pushing both for universal health care for the poor and entitlement cuts to please Wall Street, the ranks of Democratic governors and senators wouldn't have been decimated, giving Democrats more attractive candidates than an aging, battle-scarred figure loathed by many both on the right and on the left.

Chozick portrays Hillary as compulsive fund-raiser, even in the closing days of the campaign. Hanging out with the upper class at $10,000 a plate dinners is so much more relaxing than hand shakin’ and speechifyin’ with the many headed. She particularly puts a stick in Hillary for taking off most of the month of August to hang with her famous friends in the Hamptons, staying with Steven Spielberg and bringing Hillary’s two dogs along (“Masie, a curly-haired mutt, and Tally, a toy-poodle mix”), which strikes Amy as particularly over the top—“I mean, who brings their dogs?” Amy confesses that she herself and husband Bobby have taken an occasional weekend in the Hamptons as well, but I guess sans dogs, sometimes staying at “Daunt’s Albatross” (which definitely is cheap). “When the motel didn’t work out, we did what Bill, Hillary, and most of New York did: we mooched off rich friends.”

Well, in August 2016 Hillary and Bill did mooch, but in the past they rented their own place, but Amy still won’t give them a break. “Previous summers, when the Clintons rented their own beachside estates, Hillary’s brothers, Tony and Hugh, and the entire extended family showed up—the moochers of the moochers. (A grocer in East Hampton told me he saw Roger Clinton buying milk in a track suit).”

Bitchy much, girl friend? If the Clintons rented their own place, they weren’t moochers. If Amy’s sister stayed with her in New York, would she be a “moocher”? What is proper attire for buying milk in East Hampton, a blue blazer and white flannels? Or is the point that wide-assed hillbillies like Roger Clinton don’t belong in East Hampton in the first place?6 That’s the worst thing about snobbery: it’s catching.

Afterwords Ever industrious, and ever ingenious, Amy not only wrote a book recycling her coverage of Hillary, she wrote an article for the Times about writing the book: “How Does a Political Reporter Write a Memoir? First, Read Books. A Lot of Books.”. I confess that I haven’t read that article, but I have read her book, so I’ll offer a few suggestions for the second edition:

—Said of Carolyn Ryan: she “had New England newsprint in her blood.” The cliché that Amy’s groping for here of course is “printer’s ink”.

—“the youngest of two daughters.” Try “younger”.

—When Hillary gets pneumonia, according to Amy “the virus became a status symbol,” and quotes editor Carolyn as joking that people are infecting themselves with “pneumonia bacteria” to keep up. Props to Carolyn for knowing that pneumonia is caused by bacteria7 but none to Amy for not knowing that viruses and bacteria are not the same thing.

—Amy also talks about “pulsing” veins. I know that “vein” has traditionally been used to mean both arteries and veins, but it’s been almost four hundred years since William Harvey wrote On the Circulation of the Blood. Let’s get caught up.

—Amy repeatedly uses the word “suffragette”. Maybe this is second-wave feminism or whatever, but some gals prefer “suffragist”. Like “actor” instead of “actress”.

Amy shows a distinct lack of enthusiasm for dogs, which I am totally down with. I am known, in my building, as the grumpy old man who hates dogs.8 Which makes me wonder (though not really) why she made no mention of the fact that former NYT executive editor Jill Abramson celebrated her promotion by inaugurating a (long) series of columns about her dog “Scout”, which she then turned into a book, to which the Times devoted two highly favorable reviews!

Afterwords II, special nitpickers edition Like 99.07% of the population, Chozick says "lay" when purists like myself would say "lie"—as in "I'm going to lie down now." Almost 20 years ago I was reading a recipe online in the Times and came across the instruction to let two sheets of phyllo dough "lay open like the pages of a book". I immediately sent an email to the Times instructing them of their error and got a response thanking me for "holding us to our high standards" about 45 minutes later. Maybe I haven't been paying attention, but I haven't seen them make that mistake again.

There is no mention in this book of Clinton’s record either as a senator or as secretary of state, nor of any of Clinton’s policy proposals made during the 2016 campaign. Chozick defines "news" as whatever it is people want to talk about and is scornful of reporters who want to explore the issues in-depth. ↩︎

Hillary told people who “knew her when” not to talk to Amy because Amy hated her. ↩︎

Additional zingers: “It was just another hectic fall evening in Manhattan for Clinton, and she was keeping herself busy as usual in the “is she or isn’t she” interim. There were paid speeches to give (at $200,000 a pop) to the American Society of Travel Agents and the National Association of Realtors, filled with the wisdom gleaned from being the nation’s top diplomat (“leadership is a team sport” was one favorite; “you can’t win if you don’t show up” was another).” ↩︎

Robert Zimmerman, Johnathan Orszag, Matthew Hiltzik, and Declan Kelly, in case you’re interested. ↩︎

I did not know that “Jew hair” was a thing until a couple of months ago when I read a review of season 4 of *Broad City” in New York magazine, in which the topic came up. What really surprised me was that a Jewish girl would worry about her Jew hair in New York City. ↩︎

Rog does have a bit of a history of drug and alcohol abuse. So he should fit right in. ↩︎

Carolyn was probably/possibly remembering from biology class how Oswald Avery proved that genetic information is carried by the DNA molecule through a series of famous experiments using pneumonia bacteria. ↩︎

I don’t hate them, but I don’t have to love them, do I? Especially when they fucking bark at six fucking o’clock in the morning! Goddamn it! ↩︎

#Amy Chozick #Hillary Clinton

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