Wait wait wait

You do witchcraft???

That's so cool! I had no idea there were other witches in the TMNT fandom!!!

What kind of witchcraft do you practice?? Personally, I deal mostly with divination, but I'd love to hear more about other people's crafts!

I do! ^^ Though admittedly my practice has been a little bit dormant as of late because I sort of fell out of habit after An Event which was a Bit Disruptive to My Life lol. But I guess I kind of dabble in a bit of everything? I dunno if I could pin myself down to just one kind of practice yet, I still sort of consider myself a Baby Witch. But I really like making little spelljars and casting candle spells and things of the like, and I've been trying to learn tarot for a while now! I also really like making and drawing sigils... For a while part of the joy for me has been just Learning New Things.

^ ft. gecko enclosure and tail lol. BoS and altar not pictured.

Over time I’ve come to terms w the fact that I’m fundamentally incapable of maintaining relationships…romantic or freindships or anything. I grew to understand there is some deeply rooted anxiety, some missing mechanism in my mind, that keeps me looping back around to total isolation. Self destruction.

Like ever since I was a kid. I’ve had 3 or 4 “best friends”….every 6 or 7 years I would just completely cut ties. People I cared deeply for, friend circles I made. So many memories. Just cut the cord and drop off the face of the earth until someone else would take me under their wing and it would start again. I don’t know why I’m like this. But it’s something I’ve come to understand about myself… that it’s me doing this.

Only now I feel like I’ve pulled the age old trick on myself, I’ve absconded from myself, with myself, and I’m left wondering where exactly the fuck I went.

And this is all self absorbed and I’m fucking garbage.

Blah blah etc etc

It’s all just text in the end. I’ve disappeared so many times. Each time a bit of me never came back. I’m not here. Not really. Why can’t I return? why can’t I face this sentence of my own making?

hi! I was curious as to what are both your fav and least fav versions of anakin? (like aotc, rots, old force ghost, clone wars, etc)

This is such an exciting question, but I'll try to be succinct instead of long-winded and boring. (My stories are already there for that.) Here's a quick rundown of a few different Anakins, from my most treasured to the one (and only one) I tend to side-eye: 

ROTJ Anakin / Force Ghost Anakin - I'm grouping these guys together, because I love them all for the same reason, and that reason is that they DID it. ROTJ Anakin is the Anakin who finds himself again; who takes responsibility for his family, and a huge step toward atoning for the things he's done. He spends ROTJ slowly changing; we see it in how he regards the Emperor, and the way he regards Luke. The closest thing he’s ever going to do to getting his wife back, realistically, is saving his son and finally openly defying Palpatine. It doesn’t matter that anyone else knows Vader has been rescued from himself, or that he was really a good man all along. Luke knows, and that’s enough; it’s part of why their relationship is so special to me. Luke is the only living person who says a proper goodbye to Anakin: He knew all along that it was worth it to try to know him. That’s beautiful.

His journey isn't finished at this stage, exactly, but his he's in a better place than he's ever been, and I love him for it. He's hope personified, even for the very worst of us.

As an aside— physicality isn't a barrier to any of this; I love him all busted up and dying, I love him as a fully-healed Sebastian Shaw, and as a pretty, young Hayden Christensen.

Padawan Anakin / AOTC Anakin / Jedi Quest Anakin - In second place is a much younger iteration of him— a sad, lonely kid who's easily excitable, and dangerous, somehow, without being at all frightening. He's a mixed-up kid who's had a less-than-ideal upbringing, bound to an ancient prophecy no one knows enough about. He cries out constantly to be held and loved; he's got his heart in his hand, and he's always ready to give it away to the next person who shows him kindness— or who even just needs him. 

He's still so compassionate and well-intentioned at this point in his life, even when it doesn't benefit him. He can be petty and sensitive, although anyone would be, if they had to bear the kind of weight Anakin carries on his own shoulders at that age. His emotions sometimes run amok, but his heart is still so good... and more importantly than that, he knows it. He still has hope, for himself and for others, despite the overwhelming sense of 'otherness' he tends to feel. That's what sets him apart from Vader for me, even though I think AOTC Ani resembles the ultimate, 'suited' Darth Vader a lot more than the Anakin we meet at the beginning of ROTS. 

Plus— although this is fairly irrelevant— AOTC Anakin happens to be Anakin at peak hotness. No damn wig is going to change that, nor is the sad fact of my own rapidly-advancing age. :) 

Little Kid Anakin / TPM Anakin - The sweet baby version of Anakin comes in next for me. The altruism he struggles to hang onto until he finally falls is front-and-centre at this stage. He's tough by necessity (obviously, he's a fucking slave), but he isn't jaded yet— largely owing to his mother. Even when he loses Qui-Gon and gets to the Temple and struggles to integrate, his heart just stays enormous. God knows what he's already been through, but he never stops trying, and there's nothing fake about his confidence at this stage in his life. I love that; I think we could all stand to be a bit more like nine-year-old Anakin Skywalker.

There's an Anakin & Reader story on ao3 by @itohan called 'Kuebiko', and it's a beautiful depiction of what it might be like to be a caregiver for a very young Anakin. It's headed for some pretty sad places, to be sure, but there's a lot of sweetness and lovely (sometimes chilling) little insights into his character that I don't otherwise get to see very often. Anyone else with a soft spot for child Ani should go and read it.

'Classic' Vader, between the end of ROTS and the end of ANH - This is an enormous chunk of time, but again, I think it's more helpful than not if I just group these iterations of him together, at least for the purpose of compiling this list. It's horrific and tragic and a devastating waste of potential, but Anakin really does spend a huge amount of time mired in a thick, dark cloud of grief and anger. He convinces himself of a lot of stupid shit during this period in his life: 'Anakin is dead, I'm fulfilling my destiny, I can get Padmé back, she'd love all this ORDER I'm bringing, blah blah blah'. Every ounce of his extraordinary control is purely surface-level; he's a raging wildfire inside for a longer period of time than I think nearly anyone else could realistically sustain (as in, Kylo Ren was always going to die at 30, and I'm surprised I didn't, too lol).

He's empowered by his shitstain of a 'Master' to hurt and kill people against everything that once made him who he was, and no one can know he suffers for it (or for the loss of his wife, or the family he wishes he could have raised with her). No one can know anything about him; he's a man playing a part who can't ever take off his costume. Everything hurts him, and the only places he can turn to for comfort are the battlefield, and the inside of his own head. He has profound disabilities of every imaginable nature, and receives no more than the most cursory physical maintenance to remedy them. He escapes into his missions, but every one of those is a slight against his own better nature. His personal pursuits don't benefit him either; for basically twenty years of his life, he's living in an emotional storm— it ebbs and flows, but it never lets up, and his entire existence is set up specifically to reward the most despicable of his behaviour.

He doesn't make very many genuine emotional breakthroughs, because he's not allowed— just tricked and lied to and manipulated and taken advantage of, even when he's the one ostensibly in 'control'. His life only starts again when Luke comes into it; again, one more reason their connection is so special to me.

I'm going to go ahead and recommend another Anakin/Reader story by a different author; it's called 'mrfiveohone' by DarthDoritos, and it's on ao3. It's a brilliant exploration of what a strange, budding relationship with a youngish Vader might look like, and just an overall beautiful portrait of escalating intimacy on top of that. Another one I would highly recommend (completion status notwithstanding) is called 'Afterimage', and it is by garnettrees, also on ao3. It's a very dark Vaderdala story that gets right inside Anakin's head in the most wonderful ways. He never stops loving Padmé, and in that, he never truly stops being who he is. 

This is the Vader I (admittedly somewhat dramatically) see the most of myself in. It puts us at-odds sometimes, but my urge to get up underneath that mask and make him feel worthy of his own name is insurmountable. I love him because if I didn't, I'd be in trouble. 

Which brings us to TCW Anakin… who is, perhaps, the only version of Anakin I can honestly say I don't care for. Which is fine, because the show itself really isn't my kind of thing. Suffice to say, that particular depiction of him departs so dramatically from any of the other ones I've known (or listed here) that I just can't get into it, no matter how hard I try. 

I'm going to end this with a shout-out to Lego Anakin! I've never seen a shitty version of Lego Anakin, whether in a cartoon or on my desk at home. :)

Thank you for asking, anon. That was fun to write out!

my mamma staaaaaays watching CNN or MSNBC all day every day and today i was in the room while they were covering all the many protests that are going on in various workers unions across the country and how a lot of workers are finally drawing the line and demanding stuff they obviously deserve in terms of safer working conditions, more reasonable hours, higher wages, better health care, blah blah blah, and how the ~corporate world~ is trying to push a narrative of Labor Shortage instead of Shitty Jobs, painting workers as just being lazy and entitled and counting on people’s utter desperation to fill shitty jobs because $8/hr to still be unable to afford rent and car payments is better than $0/hr,

and i told my mom that all of that is a HUGE part of the reason why i’ve been unwilling to ~just take any full time job i can get~ when Any Full Time Job I Can Get isn’t actually going to earn me enough money to provide a comfortable life for myself despite working 40+ hours per week,

and then of course, as moms do, she starts lecturing me about how ~you need to just get over it and do what you have to do like everyone else~ 

and i’m like!!!! 

mooOOOOooommm!!!!

i mean, i Get It. i do. People take shitty jobs because they don’t have a choice, and if I didn’t have my mom to keep me housed, I wouldn’t have a choice, either. And she has the right to throw me out if she ever feels like it. Like, she doesn’t HAVE to let me be here. 

but i’m like, moooom, you REALIZE that ~people not having a choice~ is exactly why employers have been able to get away with this shit for so long, right??? The fact that a bigass corporation can pay full time employees poverty wages and STILL have people snatch up those jobs is the reaaaaasssoooonnnnn why they keep the wages so low, and the hours so long, and the workplaces so unsafe. If nobody took those jobs, they wouldn’t be able to keep that shit up. 

so hell naw to the naw naw naw i’m not about to participate in that madness Just Because!! there is 0 virtue in slaving away at a full time job with criminally low wages Because Integrity or whatever. If you genuinely HAVE to, as in, you’re going to be homeless and starve if you don’t, then obviously you’re going to choose soul-sucking poverty wages over homelessness and starvation. But if refusing to work such a job is NOT going to leave you homeless and hungry, then you may as well just remain unemployed until you have a legitimate opportunity. Bc like... people can’t fucking Save Money when each and every paycheck is totally eaten up by critical expenses: rent/mortgages, utilities, insurances, car payments/transportation, food, phone bills, paying back loans, etc. And if you’re not able to save money, HOOOOOWWWWWWW are you ever supposed to get Beyond where you are currently?? How are you ever supposed to move into a safer neighborhood? HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO PUT MONEY AWAY FOR YOUR RETIREMENT??? HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO MAINTAIN AN EMERGENCY SAVINGS FUND??? If you aspire to pursue higher education, how are you supposed to finance that?? Lmao take out even more loans with an even higher interest rate thanks to the shitty credit score you’ve earned from BEING BROKE??? 

WHAT????

i’m supposed to put myself through all that shit because Personal Integrity??? bitch you THOUGHT!!! 

and hell fucking yes i am entitled! and the people who’ve crafted the narrative that ~entitlement~ is a Bad Thing are the saaaame people who manipulated an entire labor force into believing that it’s Unprofessional to tell your coworkers how much you’re getting paid. They’re the same people who decided that “experience” is a legitimate currency they can use to pay workers a la Unpaid Internships. They’re the same people who made everyone believe that it’s Bad Business to leave your job and go work for a competitor who’s able to give you more of what you need in exchange for your labor. They’re same people who tricked workers into believing that they should WANT to ~go above and beyond~ without getting anything in return. it’s Bad And Lazy to stop working and go home when your shift is over. you have a Good Work Ethic when you take work-related calls at any hour on any day when you’re not actually at work. 

i am ENTITLED to a comfy, living wage. i am ENTITLED to being payed well to do the things I’m good at. i am ENTITLED to have ample time and energy to enjoy a life outside of work. I’m entitled to getting enough sleep. i’m entitled to being able to dedicate time to pursuing my hobbies. And so is everyone else in the gotdamn world. Give me a living wage, or give me righteous unemployment! Not as catchy as “give me liberty or give me death,” but same fuckin deal. 

and honestly, it’s so fucking WILD lmfao that this isn’t even the first time america has gone through this exact turmoil. like, we already FIXED this shit decades ago, at least partially. And now people wanna act like workers are shallow and lazy for demanding that employers make good on the responsibilities that were already agreed upon and enacted YEARS ago. We’ve done this before!! We’ve fought this fight already! I’m so upset!! 

honestly like! I feel like today’s employers are counting on younger generations being ignorant about the history of labor movements. they’re counting on us not knowing that we even have the option to demand the most basic necessities. 

So like... 

the more people who can choose to be unemployed instead of being held captive by a predatory corporate world, the better. And frankly, the people who wind up having to support someone who’s unable to make enough money should ALSO be loudly in favor of higher salaries and better workplace conditions. Like, don’t be mad at your 29 year old son who’s still under your roof because his job doesn’t pay him enough to live a dignified lifestyle on his own. Be mad at the multinational corporation whose higher-ups are raking in millions of dollars PER HOUR while leaving your son destitute.*Twisted Sister Voice* NO! We’re not gonna take it!!

Wanted to ask about beetlelyds, sorry, I thought it was technically cannon? Like in the old comics after the show ended she grew up and married him. Sorry I’m an old school fan and have no idea why this whole thing is such a big deal. Wasn’t the actor like 20 too? I’m sorry if I sound very dumb. I’m not used to this new tumblr.

youre fine you are one hundred percent allowed to especially when you do it civilly as you have done here

first of all the biggest issue faced in the whole what is and is not canon debate is the fact that there are three (four if you count the limited comics run) publicized iterations of my media

i will go over each very briefly just kidding this is going to a long answer so i will spare the dashboard with a readmore

there is the movie which im sure you dont need me to explain the plot since youre an old school fan but basically the climax is that yes beetlejuice does go for the marriage angle in exchange for stopping the exorcism of adam and barbara and his motive for this is so that he can cause as much chaos as he wants on the mortal coil but his plan is thwarted when barbara rides a sandworm into the house which promptly eats beetlejuice sending him to bureaucratic death limbo

the end of the movie features the deetz and the maitlands happily living together with lydia havign a new appreciation for her situation and beetlejuice gets his head made real small which is very funny haha 

so no in the movie they are not canon editors note the actress who played lydia winona ryder was a teenager while filming the movie she turned 17 the year it released 

the next is the cartoon which i will admit has the most grounds for being considered canon but in the end the show is about a middle schooler and her best friend who is a ghost which in itself is a pretty iffy gray area sort of thing but for a childrens cartoon to work a friendship is better than the obvious enemy status they held in the movie

anyway in the cartoon they are potrayed to be very close friends with lydia being the person beetlejuice cares about the most and honestly if you were to watch it with no prior knowledge of the media and if you ignored their massive and obvious age difference than yeah you probably would read it as a romantic relationship 

however lydia is a middle schooler and that is simply immoral

there have been writers for the cartoon who have been credited to say that a relationship is what they were trying to invoke but for obvious reasons they couldnt exactly move forward with that angle with them establishing that lydia is a child in middle school and a fully grown adult man dating a child who is in middle school is immoral and also illegal in the united states and in canada 

this isnt a good argument for whether or not something is canon and i will tell you why with one simple name and that is luke weber

if you dont know who luke weber is he was a storyboard artist on the cartoon steven universe he is known for making a lot of self ship artwork of him and the character pearl

he worked on the show isnt his material canon no of course it isnt it wasnt put in the actual publication and also if memory serves he was eventually asked to leave the project after he drew art of the shows creator giving him permission to date pearl and calling them her otp and a lot of fans hated this because the most generally accepted interpretation of pearls character is that she is sapphic so a lot of people took issue however that again is just a widely perceived headcanon it is never stated what her actual sexuality is no one in that show is because it isnt a show about that its about wait im getting off topic sorry

what im saying is what can truly be considered canon is what you see on the screen and with the cartoon they are definitely the most friendly with each other and that is why so many people in the beetlebabe shipping community take so much stock in the cartoon because it is the easiest to read the relationship between the mas romantic although that is not what the show actually provides in black and white terms

interpretation does not equal canon and in this case no matter what anyone says the fact remains that in the cartoon itself they are friends good friends yes but friends all the same

it is definitely not a show about a grown man grooming an adult and if it were you definitely shouldn’t be stanning it the extreme because grooming a minor is wrong and it is apparently a problem in the fandom

anyway if the cartoon and the movie are both products of their time and there was more leniency on content bear in mind this was the same era as notorious animation powerhouse and known predator john k who was a showrunner on ren and stimpy and he maintained a relationship with a teenager which was an open secret that nobody really took issue with because in that time being a woman in the animation industry was tricky business and your career could be ended easily if you rejected advances luckily time has moved forward and the animation industry although still full of problems of a similar nature at least people are getting called out and punished for it

you can look more into that yourself its really upsetting though

as for comics i havent been able to find good scans of them and im not willing to purchase them but in my search i never found anything about the two of them ever being married in the cartoon again because she is a child i did find a cover where he appears to be getting married and hes asking lydia to get him out of it but im not sure where the comic actually goes all i know is she is standing off to the side shrugging and looking like she doesnt really care

anyway that brings us to the musical which is set in the modern day 

in the original libretto lydia is described as thirteen but since they got an actress who was older in the updated librettos she is listed as 15 and the story is pretty similar to the movie the young girl befriends ghosts and they try to scare her family out etc etc

the major difference between the film and the musical are that lydia and beetlejuice are more like friends like in the cartoon 

she summons him to help scare after the maitlands attempt doesnt really work so he shows up and they have fun terrorizing people together however she drops him for the opportunity to perhaps get her mom back but when no one will help she goes back to beetlejuice who tricks her into almost exorcising barbara

she agrees to marry him in order to stop the exorcism and he only wants to get married so he can be alive again and cause problems on the mortal coil like in the movie in the musical he states several times its a green card thing whihc obviously doesnt make it okay but still

anyway lydia tricks him and runs off into the underworld before the wedding can happen blah blah blah she goes back blah blah and she agrees to go through with the wedding to save her friends and family with a plan to make him go away for good

theres a very tongue and cheek song called creepy old guy which points out how wrong the whole thing is but everyone is going along with it in a very comedic matter and it includes the line 

i cant believe some cultures think this kind of things alright

basically saying yeah this is very very wrong anyway they do get married and beeltjeuice is alive for like 6 seconds before lydia stabs him to death with bad art and he dies thus nullifying the marriage because death do you part etc

so in the musical no at the end of the show they are not canon because he is dead their marriage is nullified and they go their separate ways

anyway sorry about that i just need to make it very clear that these three properties are all very distinct from each other and basically all three are indeed canon since they are publicized material and arguing the validity of which one is pointless editors note all actresses who played with the exception of dana steingold were minors for the majority of their runs as lydia with sophia ann caruso the originator of the role turning 18 during the run and dana being in her late twenties presley ryan however was a minor the whole time and still is one

tldr no they aren’t canon but to the credit of some people in this fandom their interpretation isnt too far of a stretch thanks to the era and some of the writers wishing to imply a relationship between an adult and a child

i also need to address how this is all a big deal and i suggest you take a peak through my discourse tag and check out @leedia‘s blog to see some of the more harmful things done by beetlebabe shippers

the beetlejuice fandom is home to many minors after the musical came out since musical fandom is vast and the ages of its members varies and normalizing pedophilia is harmful to them not to mention the people who have been effected by sexual harassment at the hands of adults

both sides have victims of csa but one side continues to perpetuate the cycle by showing time and time again that this behavior is normal and easily romanticized in the name of coping and literally anyone who has ever been to a good and credible therapist could tell you that posting cp even if it is simulated cp isnt a really good way to cope and you can get mad at me for saying that its totally fine but and im going to remove my character veil here for just a second as a csa survivor myself i think its harmful to not only myself but many others ok the veil is back down

tldr again there is a lot of bullying and harassment going on with both sides having their own issues but there is one side whos issues run a bit deeper in my humble opinion 

thank you for your question it allowed me to talk a lot you are welcome to discuss further with me in dms if you wish i honestly recommend giving the musical a listen because it is very fun and despite what some people say its very clever and if you get a chance to see a boot of it its visually stunning

one last note that i couldnt really fit in here but a large portion of the beetlebabes shipping community ignore the musical because it openly condemns the idea of beeltejuice and lydia having a relationship and a lot of the antis take issue with much of the writing and characterizations of the cartoon just a note that i think is important since were talking about canon

Yugioh Season 4 Quotes Prompt Meme

I am stressed, tired, sick of my job and needing a brain break. Yugioh Abridged is my go to for that at the moment. So. Have a sentence meme thing. Feel free to reblog, change pronouns, etc. Go have fun kids. Be wild. Be gay. Do crime. Love you

“The whole saving the world thing really eats into your study time.” “But my teacher gave me, like, a bunch of gold stars! And an A+ in trying.” “I already know everything I need to know about mathematics from playing card games.” “I was also thinking about doing some of the drugs later.” “(name)’s hand is on fire!” “That sounds like a commotion! .......Yes. Definitely a commotion.” “Well, I’m sure the city can defend itself.” “Those neutral motherfuckers. I never cared for them.” “How the hell did you people get in my house!?” “I’m not sure I like the rich douchebag channel.” “We figured you had more of an emotional connection to these.” “Damnit, (name), we agreed I would do the monologuing.” “My spirit guide has once again served its purpose.” “It’ll be called the bitch ass retirement plan. Named after you, ya bitch ass!” “That’s some OP bullshit right there.” “Broseph...Brosephine...Bro DiMaggio.” “I’ve got shoulder pads!” “Now what are you gonna do, Bromeo and Juliet?” “It’s not often I get to hear the worst insult ever coined by a human being.” “Yeah, they once sucked out Channing Tatum’s soul as a joke.” “I have nothing else in my life, please!” “So you’re someone I haven’t seen in a really, really long time? .........Are you my parents??!!” “Stop abusing the concept of friendship!!” “You must have spent YEARS researching this! Even though you can find this exact information on the back of any Yu-Gi-Oh! DVD!” “King of doors, bitch!” “That’s two points for Middle Earth, zero points for (name).” “I was not prepared to watch this today.” “Okay, so, you’re a lost cause.” “If even one of you makes a Sharknado reference, I will end you so hard.” “Try this on for size, you Sauron-looking motherfucker!” “I thought we had an agreement! You agreed to not be a little bitch, but now you’re being a little bitch!” “Maybe they’ll take someone’s soul that we don’t care about this time.” “Goddamnit, you never help me, ever!!” “Alright, douchebags! I’m sick and tired of us not being on top!” “These meetings get fucking weird.” “How much more specific can I get? SOMEWHERE in CALIFORNIA.” “I wonder if there are card games on the moon.” “I knew it. This is just some cheap trick to get me to come see you, so you can hit on me with a bunch of cheap innuendos, isn’t it?” “And, to think, people call you a diluted egomaniac.” “That’s not possible! I’M the adorable one!” “For some reason, cruising for chicks has caused me to become severely injured.” “I would be so turned on if that wasn’t such a huge waste of trading cards.” “I’d like to spread some vegemite on those things.” “You left me on a blimp with a known psychopath, while I was in a coma, so you could go off and play video games.” “So, in other words, since we’ve never seen your balls drop, we can assume it hasn’t happened?” “My douche-senses are telling me that (name) is mocking me somewhere.” “Should I remind you to tell them to go fuck themselves when we get there?” “He will eat you with his crocodile face.” “Okay, did you have to include the part of the story where they insulted me?” “Hey, a sword! I can stab people with this!” “Seriously? That was your one Koala joke?” “Try believing in the heart of the cards.” “Quiet, you sorcerer.” “If you’re seeing this, (name), it either means I’m dead, leaving behind a very fabulous looking corpse, or my soul has been captured.” “Maybe it had something very kinky on it and 4Kids had to censor it.” “I’ll leave that up to the fanfic authors.” “I’ll write a highly unfavorable research paper about you! With inconclusive findings!” “I feel like I should be concerned, but I just can’t stop thinking about how Copernicus is such a stupid name for a horse.” “You know that thing takes people’s souls and I found it on a dead guy, right?” “That was acting, children! Bravo for me!” “According to my research, I’m in a crapload of pain.” “Learned that trick from playing Super Mario World.” “I’ll just be over here wibbling to myself. Please, pay me no mind.” “Okay, everyone. I’m going to go scream into a pillow for the next five minutes.” “Are you telling me that we can't build an elevator into space?! Because that sounds like something a guy who doesn't want to keep his job would say!” “And let me tell you one last thing. All those times I got angry and declared that I would have my vengeance on you: I WAS FAKING!” “I'm glad we spent all our money on this bag of potato chips and generic brand soda.” “By the way, I memorized several dozen dinosaur puns, just so I could use them in this.” “The only reunion that’s about to happen is my size ten up your buttocks!” “Dorō! Monsutā Kādo!” “You're right, (name). I lost control. At the end of the day, this is just a game.” “We’re going to disturb the spirits of the dead! Yay!” “What the fuck even is this season!?” “Won’t somebody fetch me some ice cream!?” “I’m old and I hold a stick. That automatically makes me the wisest person in the valley.” “It’s a good thing I played all that Assassin’s Creed!” “It’s a good thing I played all that Banjo Kazooie!” “Oh, thank God, because I really wasn’t listening to any of that. Any of it.” “Now, I have to go back down there and challenge that vulture to a card game.” “Okay, (name), I’m going to level with you; I may have lied about the pizza.” “It makes me look really bonkers cool while I kick the shit out of you.” “Actually, he says his name is Cornelius Jr. and he wants to play basketball, just like how his father wanted him to.” “You can talk to snakes!?” “Hey, are you sure it’s safe for us to fly straight into that strange weather phenomenon?” “I guess we’d better confront whatever villain of the week that is.” “Well, these buttons look important.” “We mostly get by using our street smarts and ingenuity.” “No, I'm mad because I never wanted to know what one of Hideo Kojima's wet dreams looked like, and now I do, so thanks for that.” “I swear on my life we didn't keep a single flying war machine of death.” “Well, it would be way more intimidating if its face wasn't so damn adorable.” “Yeah, they’re dead. Dibs on their crappy broken stuff!” “Did you guys notice that this episode had the exact same ending as Bee Movie?” “I'm also glad we're not going to Florida as it means that we are not going to Florida.” “OK, but wait! I'm almost to the part where we met two ghosts in the California desert who just happened to be related to the guy we're fighting. Oh God, you're right; it's all just bullshit, isn't it?” “Breaking stuff will fix it!” “I'm bi a lot of things, but lingual is not one of them.” “Welcome back, asshole.” “Hey (name), wanna reenact a scene from Back to the Future Part II?” “I'd rather throw myself off the roof.” “Damn you, Microsoft Flight Simulator!” “Yes, but you had to steal my catchphrase to do it! Is nothing sacred to you?” “That is the single most offensive thing anyone has ever said to me.” “OK, children, from now on, everybody uses the Buddy System. When I say "Go," I want you all to choose a buddy and form an everlasting and inseparable bond between them 'till death do you part. OK, go!” “(Name), remember, whatever happens, you mustn't become an evil little sh*thead.” “Suckers! Consider yourselves ditched.“ “Well if any other anime in existence has taught me anything, most of the drama tends to happen on...the roof.“ “Just my luck. Dork Fest continues.“ “No! It's got a scythe. The deadliest farming implement known to man.“ “This heavy-hearted metaphor was brought to you by Da, a subsidiary of Doy, Inc.” “OK, this is also total BS. When I came back from the dead, I didn't get a chorus of heavenly music and a light show.“ “It's a good thing I'm so buff or that fall would've killed me.“ “(Name), promise me you're not going to embarrass me in front of the U.S. Military.” “ Guys, I think we took a wrong turn, because I'm pretty sure this is the Chamber of Secrets.” “Those aren't Funko Pops! They're much more disturbing!” “Yeah, makes your measly five thousand years look like a five thousand years of being a bitch, bitch.“ “Okay, but why are we in space?” “I have no idea who that is. You are talkin' fucking crazy right now, man. Are you okay? Do you need water? How long were you in the desert for?“ “For the record, I was dressing up in suits of armor before it was cool.“ “(Name), this is like, the third time you've tried to murder one of my friends, stop it!” “Nah. As a teenager with unlimited access to the Internet, I get to do that every day.” “As I was saying, (name) is a damn handsome and valuable person. Thank goodness for them.” “They died as they lived... pissing me off.” “Okay, who let the posh shithead in here?” “I'm so happy you escaped the cold embrace of death so that I could experience your deathly cold embrace again!“ “Wow. My eBay sensors are tingling.“ “You know, we really have no idea where this portal will take us, but I have total confidence in this decision.“ “None of this matters to you! You're already dead! Blah, blah, blah, omae wa mou shindeiru.” “Glad we came all the way up here so that we could not know what was going on.“ “Does this mean I can take back all the nice things I said?“ “I'm not doing any of those things. I'm just enjoying being with you.”

It started when I was just a kid. Our father was always on a war path of beratement, with my mom, brothers, and me. He never hit me directly, but he would grab and smack me, hold me up by the collar of my shirt. Scream at me nose to nose. and I got it the mildest. Everyone else would get hit, unless they obeyed.

I was told every day that I was worthless, useless, pathetic etc. By everyone but my mom, one aunt,  and my grandmother. These were the only people I trusted.

My best friend from age 0 to 11 was...arguably my only friend. Already feeling unworthy of love, I did anything she asked. She eventually went power hungry, always manipulating and threatening me to do as she wanted. She would abuse an assault me, as well as say fucked up things to me so I would hate myself. 

She would get me to tell her classified info, tell me she cared, make me feel loved, then just turn around and use the info to manipulate me. A very intelligent 10 yo. This went on and got worse and worse until some horrific and unspeakable things happened. We were always left unsupervised with her brother, and no one would believe anything I said, because she was always the better diplomat. I stopped contact after the things that happened. She still tries to get back in touch.

Right after this, my dad was kicked out as he started hitting me forcefully, and telling me how stupid, and worthless I am incessantly. My mom couldn’t handle it anymore and at the time he was having an affair, he moved the woman and her son in with us. They all left at the same time, and i think it was mere days before Stepdad moved in.

Stepdad was never physically abusive, but he was a  teenage party animal trapped in a man’s body. I didn’t sleep, because there was suddenly a non stop drug party at my house every night with people having sex in my hallways. And injecting heroin on my couch. The same men would repeatedly break my door down, sometimes passing out in my bed, on my floor, or getting knocked out by anyone who noticed them trying to get in my room. No nothing happened, but its likely because they were too drunk.

Mom got heavily addicted to the party scene, and I barely saw her, and when I did, she was very very rarely sober. My brothers had both more or less found other places to hang out at this time. I had to start cooking my own rice suppers, and making my own lunches, begging for money, and clothes etc. At the time I didn’t really know how to “cook cook”, but I learned.

Every day, stepdad would tell me how stupid and ugly and useless I was for the next 8 years. Always reassuring me that nothing I say or feel matters to anyone. I retaliated, but it would only make his words sharper, and make my mother resent me more and more. The more I stood up for myself the more horrible he would get.

I start middle school at this time. and made a new friend. Coincidentally the same name as the previous friend. Again, the only friend who would put any effort in, and made me feel like no one else would want to know me. She was incredibly manipulative. More so than my previous friend. She would dig and dig and dig so much that she would even “entrap” me into saying things I didn’t even mean, just to use them against me, or use it as ammunition to gossip about me to other people that I also though were my friends. She tricked me into doing humiliating things, degrading things, illegal things. Things I still have actual scars from

She forced me into several relationships with guys she liked so she could make them cheat on me. She would torment me by manipulating other people to berate and make fun of me publicly, and also  harass me on the phone or via msn, just to see me fall apart, and then “help put me back together”.

Manipulating me and turning everyone I trusted against me. Her manipulations and rumors cased me to be assaulted and betrayed several times, and convinced me I should be happy to take the compliment, because no one else would ever want me.  It took a long time, but eventually, 5 years later I realized her motives were all poisonous, and she was more or less pimping me out. Convincing me i’m ugly and disgusting, and I owe it to these boys to give them attention. Its fucked up what taking advantage of vulnerability can do.

it was around this time I started drinking vodka as often as I could get my hands on it. I had run away from home and was staying with a friend. My boyfriend at the time could get me booze, and his friends all had cars, so I was able to find some escape from all the trash in my life. I was 16 at this time. Eventually I had to accept that begging for money, and doing odd jobs wasn’t enough. I had to go back home and face the mess. At the time mom was on meds for her back, and I started hand feeding her supper, because she was on opiods. Then the hurricane hit and I had to move in with my aunt. 

Within the first few weeks of living there, I was still coming home to see my mom once a week. But, her and my brother just kept stealing my things and my money to buy weed or booze or whatever. I got fed up and called her out on it. To which she slapped me across the face, shoved me out the front door and told me I wasn’t her daughter. I fucked right off and didn’t look back.

My aunt treated me like a dog. I wasn’t allowed to use the hot water, or turn the heat on in my room. I wasn’t allowed to go with them on trips or dinners or anything. I wasn’t allowed to enjoy much at all. Not allowed to go to the mall with my cousin, not allowed to go fishing etc. Despite my dad sending her $1000 a month for me. But at the same time was in charge of 4 other kids, plus 3 more when the cousins were there for a visit. All the while, cooking and cleaning and making lunches, and delegating chores and helping with homework etc. These kids still consider me to be more like an aunt than a cousin or foster sister. 

Each day, the only things my aunt would have to say is that I was not good enough, no one cared about me, i was worthless, and useless, and barely a person to her.  People only pretend to like me because I am pathetic. When people would visit, they would call me cinderella, if that doesn’t say enough She would always talk about how I was a worthless slut who didn’t appreciate her generosity, and would never amount to anything. I would just be an addict like my mom, blah blah blah. This never stopped me from telling her off. But telling her off only made her angrier and more viscious. 

One day, I had come home from visiting with my other aunt and found a van packed full of my stuff. My uncle had just had a heart attack and was recovering in the hospital. She blamed my uncles (who is nothing but pie) heartattack on my insolence and had made the decision to kick me out before I even reconciled with my mother. My mom took me back but she was pretty fucked up about it. My previous boyfriend had also recently left me for a girl he had been seeing, my new boyfriend was a very cruel and distant guy, always telling me how stupid and weak and etc. I was, and I just had my wisdom teeth removed so I was not in a great headspace either. Thankfully it was only a few weeks away from staying with my grandmother for the summer.

By this point, I was “adopted” by another girl, who was also a victim of the previously mentioned girls abuse. Though it turns out she simply learned the tactics for herself. It was a repeat of the previous two friends. She was very clung to me, as I think she became addicted to abusing me. So much that she even followed me to the city when I moved for school. She squatted in my dorm room and refused to leave. 

And again, found my best friend trying to pimp me out so she could get the guys on her radar. Or just to watch me suffer, or berate me for allowing my weak mind to be manipulated. After countless abuse and manipulation, I just snapped out  of it, and wasn’t falling for it anymore. I started to be resistant to her manipulation. Not enough though, again she was still me only real friend in a new world. 

I had told her many secrets and personal things that I hadn't told anyone before, and again, all she did was use it against me, calling it “experience” instead of “trauma” and used me as a pawn because of it. Just like the previous friends I had also trusted.  We ended up moving in together, and lived together for a year until I eventually became a lost cause for her.  She moved out, leaving me with no way to pay rent, and i ended up renting a room to a sleezeball whose cheques always bounced. She too, lied to me constantly, telling sob stories and manipulated me out of thousands of dollars.

Unfortunately you would think this would have opened my eyes, but I was so lost and confused, it only made me blind and unsure. I felt I could no longer trust friends to respect anything about me. I stopped opening up to friends, and assumed boyfriends would be a better bet.

I started seeing someone who I had been friends with for a few years. I had dated a few guys, but they were all more interested in their ego than anything else. Again always telling me I was nothing, worthless, stupid, gross, ugly, unreachable expectations of respect or consideration etc. This guy though. He was very sweet, always knew the right things to say to make me feel sorry for him, make me trust him, find him non threatening etc.

He became physically and sexually abusive almost immediately after he got me to open up to him about myself. As soon as I told him anything personal, he would use it as a bargaining chip, or as a threat, or would use it to manipulate me into thinking he was being normal. I was trapped with him for a little over a year before I found a weak link and broke free. I am still unable to have showers with an obscured curtain without the risk of a panic attack. 

Not ONE of my friends would listen to me when I tried telling them what he was doing to me. They just told me I misunderstood him, and that he is a sweet guy with his own issues and I just have to be okay with that. “Don’t throw him away and disrespect him like all the others”. Not even telling me to leave if I’m unhappy, but that I owe it to him to try harder to accept him.

He then stalked me for a few years, and still even now, most of my friends don’t want to hear it, they love him, and whatever I say is probably a fabrication to make myself look better than him or whatever it is they tell themselves.

I had finally broken things off right before moving to  new place. I started seeing another old friend, who was fairly reliable and a lot of fun to be around. We had lots of mutual friends, and his parents took me in a lot in high school. We started to talk, and open up to eachother, and slowly but also quickly, I found out he too was a very troubled guy. It didn’t sink in until it was too late, I knew things were shitty, but he convinced me that moving in together would be the best thing for us. 

He was incredibly controlling right away and I don’t believe one day went by where he didn’t sit me down and berate me into crippling despair. He would not be affectionate even in the slightest with me, other than to humiliate me in front of our friends. After he would have one of his “talks” with me, I would be a ball on the floor sobbing, and he would just leave the room and tell me i was a “stupid worthless bitch”. I was confined to his parents house. If I went out for a walk, or anything of the sort without getting permission first, he would scream at me and berate me. If I got out of bed before him, same thing, if I didn’t make him breakfast perfectly before work, same thing. He was never physical, but he would throw things around, and scream and yell. He is still one of the most intelligent people I have ever met, which basically just means he knew all the right words to rip someone apart. And all the right arguments to make them feel wrong.

Every minute detail I told him about me, became a tool. Every single bit of knowledge became a point of manipulation and control. He didn’t want a girlfriend, He wanted an outlet. He even forced me to go on meds, so I wouldn’t be so emotional about it. SO I wouldn’t retaliate and see what he was doing.

I eventually started seeing what was happening, when i got used to the feeling of my face being swollen, but it took a year and a half of it for me to realize I didn’t deserve what he was doing to me. Unfortunately during this same time I had found a new friend, who I was only kind of open with, but I was on meds at the time, so I may have been more open with her than I realize. She was using 100% of the info I gave her to turn other friends against me, and to eventually alienate me entirely for reasons I couldn’t really figure out. She claimed she was helping me deal with my abusive situation, but she was just using the opportunity to manipulate, and control someone so she could feel superior. 

Her recently exed boyfriend realized what she was doing, and decided to tell me about it. we started talking more and more, and we started an emotional affair. my boyfriend found out about it pretty quickly as he was always reading my e-mails and texts while I was sleeping or out. at that time we were just about to move to another town for him to finish school. We broke up, but he convinced me I needed to make a friendship work with him. Keep in mind, I was living with him in an unfamiliar own yet again. 

I then didn’t sleep for months, as each night he would sit at the foot of my bed and tell me how much of a piece of shit I am, and that I don’t deserve to live. If he kills himself it will 100% be my fault etc. I would go to work exhausted with swollen eyes. He would visit me on lunch breaks to berate me some more. making me cry in public, them making me feel like shit for embarrassing him for crying in public, and being weak and pathetic enough to do so.

During this, I was still talking to the other guy, we were meeting in hotel rooms and whatnot. he was the only person who would listen, or help. Eventually I made my brother move to the town and get a place with me so I could escape. and this guy moved in also.

He was smart, and kind. We opened up to each other quite a bit. I don’t believe any guy has ever been as open with me as he was. I felt comfortable being 100% transparent with him in no time, same on his side. This probably sounds great, but sometimes you forget that fact knowledge isn’t always emotional knowledge. and when you know enough about someone, you think you can rewire them.

Instead of accepting me, and loving me for who I was, he spent the next 5 years trying to groom me and change me to what he wanted. Using every aspect and detail I had opened up to him about to use as leverage. He often told me I was disgusting, or weak and that no one could ever love me like he does. On a daily basis he would tell me no one would ever care about me or my feelings or my life. I was never pretty enough, or well dressed enough, or clean enough, or organized enough. Nothing about me was perfect enough for him. Like previous boyfriends, he spent a lot of hours trying to convince me to just not have friends. He would make me feel like shit for spending time with people, or investing in them, and always try and convince me I don’t need them and shouldn't trust the,.

Always bringing up things from the past  as evidence I should only ever trust him, and depend on him. The worst part about this, was that I always believed him, always. Every word he said, every action he took, every opinion, every resistance. Every time he would discourage me, I always was convinced it was “for my own good”. He seemed to resent me for everything I did, or said, or thought. I was unhappy for most of the relationship, but was convinced no one else would ever love me.

If this wasn’t enough, I was simultaneously being abused and manipulated by my boss. She had successfully convinced me I was worthless, and without any value what so ever. That I always needed to be “taken down a peg” because i was so full of myself. Daily she would plant a seed of doubt, and watch it grow into fruition. As my home support was not helpful, It was not easy for me to see what was going on from either front. She would play me against coworkers so I wouldn’t have an opportunity to see that she was puppeteer all of us. She would set me up with a false sense of security, by being seemingly nurturing, convincing me to open up to her when we would be stuck in a room alone for hours. Then use it against me, telling me I deserve nothing, and she has been so generous, and understanding, how could I have the audacity to question or disrespect her.

When I became pregnant, the beratement, and doubt, and hate and resentment got much worse from both of them. They saw me gaining more confidence, and they were losing control. My pregnancy brain gave me more clarity as it wasn’t about me or them anymore. It was about my baby. I started seeing the relationship was toxic, and that my boss was a fucking horrible person. I started seeing what I wanted for myself and my baby, instead of what everyone else wanted of me.

I had already made the decision to try and work from home after the baby was born, and I was going to try and make things work with my boyfriend, as he had convinced me the problem was my boss, and taking her out of the picture would fix everything.

Then, my baby died, a week after her due date. So I was completely fucked up, I felt like JFK when Jackie tried to put his brains back in. I lost what little support I did have in my life. And the two of them saw it as an opportunity to gain control of me again. For a little while it worked, until I started seeing a Councillor for the loss. My boyfriend continued to insinuate that it was somehow my negligence that killed our baby, and my boss bullied me back to work after 6 weeks.

The abuse and manipulation and beratement became overwhelming, and I started a blog, which my boss read and dissected and would use as reference when trying to berate or manipulate me some more. My boyfriend would just constantly be bitter toward me, and resentful for any reason he could think of. Always telling me I was pathetic and no body wants to hear about my problems and I need to get over it etc.

Then I quit, started a new job, left my boyfriend, and started a new life with the only man who has ever been considerate and kind to me for purposes of love, and not an agenda. First guy to not try and change me for what he wants from me. 

So basically I had a constant stream of abuse and manipulation form every person I trusted until now. Each person I opened up to, used the info for their own gain, and never once used it to consider my personality or feelings. So its really difficult to open up to or trust anyone. I didn’t stop drinking heavily until I got pregnant, I didn't stop drinking all together until my mother passed away, and its still a struggle to not get trashed, but my stomach issues help me stop thankfully.

Alcohol made life bearable, and fun. I was able to enjoy myself and let go of things. Unfortunately it didn't make the thoughts and feelings and memories go away. It repressed them, and when my mother was no longer in my life, all the memories and feelings began flooding back in. So minimum 14 years of me shutting out emotions and memories. This is what caused my "mental breakdown" among some other circumstances.

Process and wip images for A House That Holds Long Limbs (Parts 9 and 10 - completed)

Previous process and wip documentation: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Parts 6 and 7 / Part 8 

Read the pages here: Part 9 and Part 10 (full complete version is linked from YYH North Bound master post)

Hard to believe this is finally done! Long Limbs nets out at 108 pages including the cover, plus some extra drawings (and also a whole other comic and other illustrations I did in between the various parts). Here’s a summary:

Part 1: timestamp on final images posted are Dec 16-17, 2017 (11 pgs)

2: Dec 23, 2017 (10 pgs)

3: Jan 8, 2018 (10 pgs)

4: Jan 20, 2018 (12 pgs)

5: Feb 3, 2018 (14 pgs)

6: Feb 24, 2018 (12 pgs)

7: Mar 3, 2018 (6 pgs - would have been completed/posted with part 6, but was getting too long)

8: Mar 17-18, 2018 (13 pgs)

9: Jun 3, 2018 (10 pgs)

10: Jul 8, 2018 (10 pgs)

Based on the above, I should have been able to draw the comic in less than 8 months, even considering how slow I generally work and how frequently I get distracted by other things (Genjimonogatari series, the Hokushin Boyfriend project, etc. etc.). As you can see, I took a very conscious break to focus on other things (mainly Now Recharging, work, and conventions) after Part 8.

For this final behind-the-scenes, I’ll start as usual with script and thumbnails. Then I’ll do an overview of the main changes with a particular focus on opportunities and challenges that arise from having taken such a long break, and close with a quick look at the original story idea for comparison to where things ended up. 

Script

Thumbnails

That text in the script about “writing like serpents” should be “WRITHING like serpents”... sigh. Doesn’t really matter since in the end they just hang there all chillaxed on Hokushin lol

(Also as you can see, I voted in the Ontario elections!)

Main changes

The best thing about taking long breaks on a project is that it really gives you a fresh set of eyes and more objectivity when you come back to it. It helped a lot with editing - ditching stupid things, stripping out pointless dialogue, and finessing phrasing. 

Originally there was more conversation between Raizen and Hokushin when they reunite - but it was mainly explanations from Hokushin (e.g., “OMG this guy is keeping rokurokubi body parts in the house, we gotta find him blah blah blah”) but then I was like, who the heck cares, we already know what happened. Skip and just show the end result.

Originally the Collector was fleeing from the house after Raizen appeared. When I came back to it, I thought this was pointless and kind of disjointed, so I just had him outside the house and then being surprised that his shikigami was gone, so that Raizen’s presence would be more of a surprise.

In the confrontation with the Collector, Hokushin originally spoke directly to the psychic in a manner similarly condescending to how the man had been speaking to him. But when I reread it, it didn’t feel right for Hokushin’s personality. In the final version, he simply doesn’t deign to address the Collector at all, and instead speaks only to the dead rokurokubi.

Raizen’s final line gave me a super hard time, and went through several iterations from what’s in the script to what you see on the final page. I literally made the final decision on the wording while scanning.

The downside about taking long breaks on a project is that you really have to work hard to restart your motivation.

Also, I forgot how to draw the Collector and I had to keep looking at old pages lol... Actually, this always happens to me with things I designed. My problem is that I’m too lazy to make proper references for myself. (I have this problem with Now Recharging too lol)

Part 9 final pagination and thumbnails are pretty close - I mainly stretched out the part where Raizen’s aura takes the Collector down to the ground for less choppy pacing.

Part 10 pagination is essentially the same, but the panelling on each page changed a lot more. There was too much action and too many hands and just a mess all around with my poor planning skills. I really dragged this part on for a long time because I didn’t want to draw the hands...

Part 9 last page had some cropping done. Below is the original:

You’ll notice the final version is much more closely cropped. Zooming in created stronger visual impact to me and just worked a lot better in terms of how the moment is framed.

Part 10 page where Raizen tells Hokushin his auro has grown stronger - I actually started this page with everything facing the opposite direction (e.g., Hokushin facing the right instead in the panel where he is praying, and in the last panel) but then swapped it. I still can’t decide if I actually prefer this orientation or not. But it’s done now so WHO CARES

The original story idea

What I had jotted down about 1 year ago:

Idea: human taxidermist who collects demons, does “tests” on them, then kills and stuffs them

Hokushin stumbles upon it somehow and the human wants to add him to the collection because male rokurokubi are so rare

He mimics the human’s voice to trick servants into releasing him?

Use of blood seal paint to bind limbs so that Hokushin can’t extend them - and maybe also prevent him from speaking too since the mark is on his next

Raizen saves him or something lol

Then Hokushin eats the taxidermist

It’s funny to go back and see what stayed the same and what evolved over the course of working on the story.

I don’t remember where the taxidermy idea originally came from. My guess is I was trying to make this as potentially horror as possible, likely from memories of reading Kurosagi Corpse Delivery Service or something. But then the whole idea of taxidermy during the Kamakura period became a huge research problem (basically I couldn’t find anything I felt like I could work with, and TBH was rather unrealistic anyways... although this whole thing is technically unrealistic), and I dropped it.

Otherwise, you can see the core components are in place - a human who collects demons, the significance (rarity) of male rokurokubi, the blood seals, the mimicry, Raizen’s rescuing, eating the human at the end. It definitely went through quite a bit of thinking and reworking before it settled into what it is right now, mostly (I think) for the better.

Thanks so much for following along! Hope you guys found this documentation at least a little interesting and helpful for your own creative works :D

So, the other year I got challenged to do some creative writing/flash-ficcy thing by  a mate. I sent it to her and another mate who does writing sometimes for their opinions and they seemed to like it. Then I sat on it for ages because I do that sort of thing a lot...

Anyway, I decided sod it, let’s stick it up here and see what happens. Here’s a short, Urban Fantasy thing I wrote up t’other year featuring my character Dave from the Loiterers comic doing something his mates don’t know about...

                                        A DECK OF MANY THINGS

Heidi texted me.

'Dave, you in town?”

It was winter and I was out with my studio mates, all of us had a different reason to celebrate. Mostly it was Christmas revelry, but each of us had our own reasons to be cheerful. I had just posted out the last three commissions of the year and was happy whiling away the rest of the day drinking. After replying, she sent me back another almost instantly.

“Ring me.”

I sighed, excused myself and slipped outside the pub.

“What?” I said. It wasn't exactly a winter wonderland outside, but it was cold enough. I wanted to get through this quickly and go back to my pint.

“Someone's got a Deck of Many Things.”

It's basically a pack of magic cards. Doesn't matter if it's your standard lucky pack of Fifty Two, a cursed Tarot set or someone just faffing about with an enchanted deck of Magic the Gathering, some of us of a certain generation of magic-users started calling them a Deck of Many Things. Yes, Gary Gygax has a lot to probably answer for.

“And this is important... how?”

“This someone's not supposed to have it.”

“Isn't stuff like that your job?”

Heidi is part of what can be described as a cross between a Neighbourhood Watch Association and a mystical security force. She'd say 'she walks the city, night and day, protecting us from threats, unseen and unheard... blah blah blah, prose of the purplest hues, etc.' It boils down to her and her group keeping everyone safe from dickheads with magic. Usually armed with a big stick.

“Normally, yes, but not right now.”

I could vaguely hear some singing in the background. It took slightly longer than I care to admit but eventually I realised what she meant. She was celebrating with her family. All of them.

“Oh.”

“Yeah...”

“...I'm at the point of merry right now.” I sighed.

“You're also the only person who's in town who answered.”

“...So, Deck of Many Things then...”

She told me that a seer had phoned her about it and that it was happening live. At the Cuthbert Broderick Wetherspoons.

I swore. Heidi noticed. I was about two minutes walk from there, if that, at another pub down the road.

There's a book, in a library somewhere called 'Like Attracts Like: A Study on Luck, Magic and Probabilty' by a guy called J. Ohljson. It's about how magic-users and magically-inclined folks essentially find themselves becoming weirdness magnets. I hate it. I was thinking about it and how much I hate it as I made my way across Millennium Square and up the stairs into 'Spoons.

It was busy. I couldn't immediately tell who the pillock with the Deck was so I headed up to the bar and ordered a drink.

“Don't tell me Heidi sent you!”

I looked up at the bartender. It was Lee. Lee doesn't like me.

“Evenin', Lee...”

“Of all the people she could've asked...”

“I was the only one who answered. We both have to deal with it. Now, what's going on?”

He looked at me distastefully. Probably trying to work out whether or not it was worth me helping the Watch.

“Look, while you're mentally wording your letter of complaint to Heidi and her lot, can you get us a pint please? I'm supposed to be celebrating tonight.”

His grimace increased, my smile became shit-eating. He responded by putting a pint glass full of water in front of me.

“My right, far end of the bar. Five of them.”

I downed my glass while stealing a glance in the direction Lee mentioned. I could see a small trio at the far end but...

“Three lads, two girls. One lad's nipped out for a smoke, not sure where the girl went.”

“You're definitely sure it's them?”

“Guy who got the first round went for all the really expensive shit. Paid contactless with a Queen of Diamonds under his actual card. Our till had a brief glitchy flicker and miraculously his bill was paid.”

“Is that it?!”

“Also, the guy outside is busy performing fire-breathing tricks right now.”

He nodded behind me. Looking round, he was correct. There was a drunken, braying idiot belching a jet of fire that'd impress a dragon. You know, if it had really low expectations. The crowd were amazed though. Very drunk, thankfully, but impressed.

The guy was clearly a student. Another glance at his friends inside confirmed it, all modern clobber and all pissed. It was coming up to Christmas after all. They were also watching their mate outside and one of them, the money man Lee mentioned, was idly thumbing through a half opened pack of playing cards.

“Definitely a Queen of Diamonds?”

Lee nodded, “Please don't wreck the place.”

I tried thinking of something clever to say but he had a point. Try as I might, and honestly, while my magic's not really that strong or destructive, sometimes things break. And the Cuthbert Broderick's facade is mostly glass.

Getting up, I left my bag on the seat and asked Lee to keep an eye on it.

“What you doing?”

“Piss. I need to think. Get us a proper pint while I'm gone.”

I left him before he could answer back and headed downstairs.

The toilets were probably the old cellar of the place. As you go further down, the nice smooth walls suddenly become old red brick. And the ceiling is really low. In the past I've bashed my head on it even with my head bent. I passed the communal sink area and into the gents.

As I went about my business, something was bothering me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt as if there was a camera or something on me. Most unusual for the gents, normally everyone keeps to themselves. Snatching a quick glance around there was me and another guy. He had his eyes down. That wasn't it.

Then I heard a giggle. Not loud, like a little snicker that slips out. Again, there was no one else in the room. I carried on. Again, the giggle. Another look around and I thought I saw something  for a second on my left. I pretended not to notice and sniffed. And there it was, a sickly sweet perfume in the air. It was almost as if it was peering over my shoulder. The smell was godawful and got up my nose in the worst way. I sneezed.

As I jerked my head left, force from the reaction driving it forward, it connected with solid air. I also distinctly heard a girl go “Ow, shit!”. I finished up, headed out and back upstairs.

“Yeah, they're proper magic cards.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a young blonde walking past, tissue hiding a bloodied and broken nose, shooting a very dirty look in my direction. She headed straight for her friends with the cards.

Lee's face and shoulders dropped and he groaned. “We need to clear out the place, don't we?”

“Now now, not necessarily...”

“How's your thieving skills?”

I said nothing, then, “Let's not pull the fire alarm just yet! That's all I'm saying.”

I looked through my bag. There was very little actually useful in there. I grabbed my A6 sketch book and shoved it in my jacket pocket. Rifling through the pencil case I carry led me to grabbing a pencil, old wood and blunt lead job (probably HB), and the Magnum. A permanent marker so chunky, it has little practical purpose in my day job. This stuff however? Conjuring magic symbols and creating works which alter a tiny bit of reality is so much easier with a bit of kit which actually leaves a decent-sized indelible mark.

I chucked the rest at Lee, “Keep an eye on that, will you? Maybe also hang around the fire alarm.”

“...You're not going to make me regret calling this in, are you?”

I shrugged. Downed the beer I'd ordered for liquid courage and decided to do something stupid.

On the way outside I grabbed a glass of something clear off an empty table. In hindsight, I should probably have sniffed it before taking it but I was kind of drunk. It might've avoided how bad things got.

The fire-breather was still showing off when I got out the door. I shouted to the prick just as he was about to give it another round. He turned, flames flicking the corners of his mouth.

“Does that leave you with bad breath or does it just make everything taste like burnt toast?” I asked to him and the incredulous audience. He snorted derisively.

“No really,” I continued, “I would also resort to circus skills if I was that desperate for a shag at a fucking 'Spoons!”

That got his attention. He sneered, took a deep breath and as soon as I saw a flash of orange I threw the drink in my hand.

Turns out it was vodka.

There was a short flash in the guy's face as the vodka met the flame and then a lot of screaming. The crowd panicked and scattered while the fire-breather was on the floor frantically trying to put his face out.

As he slapped at his face and shirt, I sauntered over and picked up the card off the floor. The three of hearts. Turning back and there was a little commotion inside, no doubt my antics had got their attention in there too.

Amongst the people who'd just seen the fireworks were his friends. I tapped the window to properly get their attention. They looked, I showed them the card. Then tore it in half. I took a step back, tilted my chin up and thumped my chest in that unspoken way which translates to “Come on then.” I also saw Lee staring agog at that display of completely immature bravado. At him, I just shrugged. Then he went and pulled the fire alarm.

All the doors suddenly burst open, patrons and staff trying to get out of the building, I waited for the initial rush to subside before slipping in and heading up a nearby staircase to the mezzanine. Soon as I made it to the centre I got on my knees and pulled out the Magnum. The strong smell of the ink did not help with my beer-addled state and made it harder to concentrate of the magic as I drew.

I could hear angry voices below me as I neared completion. Peering down through the glass bannister, I could see the remaining card-wielders arguing. A second later, one spotted me. Shit. I took the marker to the glass and drew a seven pointed asterisk which looked like a shatter pattern. I capped the Magnum and held my drawing hand over it for about three seconds before smacking it as hard as I could.

Upon impact, the glass blew outwards like a bullet had gone through it. The fragments spiralled and contorted in the air like a flock of razor-sharp birds in flight before piling down at the four. The girl with the bloody nose screamed as the shards rained down. After they'd finished I saw her heading towards the exit screaming “That is it I am so done with this magic shit!” The ring leader tried to calm her down but she was having none of it.

“I don't care! It was funny when you nicked 'em but now I've got guys throwing glass at us! I'm going home!”

And that was the last I saw of her that night. Unfortunately, me listening in had also alerted them to my presence and one of the remaining two guys was beginning to head upstairs with a handful of cards.  I turned to face him, only to hear the sound of a card deck being flipped through. He was gone.

Then he was behind me and all over my back. Fucking. Teleportation. I fell to the floor as he shouted something tough at me, I wasn't listening. All I was concentrating on was working the pencil out of my pocket. It was a lot harder than expected, what with his weight pressing down on top of me and what I was sure was another pair of arms trying to keep me pinned.

After retrieving it, I drove it point down, straight into the first hand I saw which wasn't mine. He screamed, the hand vanished back into nothingness and I managed to roll the guy off while he was dealing with the temporary phantom pain. I snatched the pencil up off the floor and headed behind one of the pub's decorative bookcases. The pencil's end was covered in blood. That was good, I whipped out the sketchbook and started some rudimentary Voo-doodling.

I stole a quick look at the guy; daft blond cow-lick, neck tattoo, white rugby shirt, before putting pencil to paper and sketching a quick headshot in blood and lead. He might have seen me, because just as I finished the last lines a bolt of lighting struck the case I was hiding behind and caught fire. I wiped the pencil on my jeans and ducked behind a table as another bolt arced overhead. And another striking the table leg. Clearly, his aim was off.

“God, this one's shit...” He said, throwing the card aside. I took the moment to finish off the ritual. I stood up, held the sketchbook image out and declared: “By book, blood and lead, I bind you!” He hurled a pint glass at me in response.

I was back behind the table when I remembered there was more to say. I held the book up again, “And in binding, your will is mine!” Bloody beer brain! Knowing my luck, it probably messed the spell's effects about.

He threw another. Yep, definitely not working properly, I thought. The teleport card made its presence again, this time startling me by having the guy appear in front of me. I swung both arms in  panic as I saw him materialise in front of me. The spell did work though. Sort of. I saw him appear, then suddenly jump to the right, colliding hard with the railing. Okay. So, I couldn't control his complete will, just his direction.

I tested this by pulling the book back left, leading my new puppet back the other way into another bookcase. He charged at me, every direction the book pulled him merely annoying him. We ended up doing some strange violent dance, him throwing punches at me, me leading by book and dodging the odd fist. A jab came towards my kidney which was flung back towards a chair. Which smashed. This continued for a while, punches, dodges, the odd furniture being struck. Which I noted didn't always end in destruction. At some point, I also noticed that he had two cards left in his back pocket.

I snatched the pair when his back was turned and when he turned back, pulled the book straight up, this time the effect was different. Blondie staggered back like he'd been chinned with an uppercut. Even better, he staggered back and stood right over the thing I'd drawn earlier. A trapdoor.  The floor beneath his right foot suddenly gave way and he fell through, only getting stuck fast as his crotch slammed into it, leaving him and his one free leg jutting awkwardly out of the hole.

At this point I should probably mention I have a habit of drawing undersized trapdoors. Don't know why, I just do. Maybe it's a time thing. Either way, what with the combination of dizziness and understandable pain on his face, I think he was done for this round.  

Then everything around me was filled with broken glass. A lot of broken glass. Most of it smelling like some booze or another. After several cuts to my face and yet more holes in my jacket, I'd had enough. I was the floor when I started shouting, it was full on childish tantrum shouting, I'll admit it. I don't remember exactly what it was other than something along the lines of “Oh, will you just fuck off?” All of a sudden, the glass stopped. It fell to the floor like whatever had been holding it up had just dropped everything and left. Peering over the edge to the ground floor confirmed it.

Leading pillock was shouting at the only other remaining member of his little crew. She had another card in her hand and was heading for the door.

“What the fuck, Nat!?”

“I don't know, Bobby! He just shouted at me and I just want to go!”

“What!?”

“Don't you start! You got us into this shit! You-- Forget it, I'm off home!

And with that, she threw the card on the floor and stormed out. I laughed.

And then Bobby saw me. “Don't move!” I shouted. He didn't. I looked over at my hand. Still had Blondie's two remaining cards gripped tightly in it. I figured one must've been some sort of compelling voice thing. Looking back down, Bobby was still stood frozen. After some standing and stretching, I made my way back down to the ground floor.

“Alright then, tell us, “ I said, still holding the pair I had, “where'd you get these?”

“...”

I sighed, he still couldn't move. Whoever enchanted these things clearly didn't do a decent enough job, the do-what-I-say card took my words too literally.

“Uuugggh, alright! You can move, but tell me who you got the cards from!”

“I took them from this weirdo who lives in the same cluster as me at Beckett. He's into all that weird shit. Told me he made them himself. I thought it'd be a bit of a laugh to take 'em out.”

“Was he one of the lads here tonight?”

“Fuck off! He was on acid or something, I took 'em from his shelf and he didn't notice a thing. I even tripped on his coat on the way out and he didn't even flinch!”

I was about to ask him to hand over the rest of the deck, but I'd forgotten that 'You can move' has multiple meanings. By the time I'd started my next sentence, I had to quickly swap the back end of it for simply the word:

“MISS!”

And that was just seconds before I dodged out of the way of a chuffing great black battle axe burying itself into the staircase behind me. Thankfully, it was embedded deep enough into the wood that Bobby had to really work to unstick it. This gave me enough time to put some distance between us. I couldn't get another command out before he came swinging at me again! This time smashing a table. Then another. And one of the windows.

The wind blew a sharp cold draft through both of us and sadly, one of the two cards I had left in my hand. Bobby noticed this, grinned and raised the axe. I saw the card flit in the breeze before I saw the axe coming up and thought quickly.

I ducked, cringed and either shouted another command or screamed as the axe came down. It was not the most dignified way to die in this game, but really, I've yet to hear of one that is.

Then I noticed I wasn't dead. Bobby noticed too. He pulled the axe back and tried again. Swinging for my midsection. Again, nothing. Around this time, I'd stood up and flinched when he tried yet again to no avail. We both stared at each other confused. I felt myself confirming, yes I was still whole and intact while Bobby tested the axe on another table. Which smashed. I still had one card left and checked to see which it was. Then I grinned as I worked out what was going on.

It was the Joker. I turned it face down and quietly picked a piece of broken table leg off the floor and a half spilled glass of something. Bobby was trying to dislodge the axe from the floor. As I crept up, he must've realised something about the magic and dropped the card he was holding. The axe vanished, he picked it up again and the axe appeared in his other hand. He turned and thrust the blade towards my neck! Nothing. He still hadn't figured it out.

Not missing the moment I threw the mixture of broken glass and alcohol in his face! When he dropped the card again while shrieking was when I broke his nose with the table leg. As he laid writhing in a pool of many varying fluids, including some bodily ones, I stepped over him and retrieved the rest of the deck. Out of the fifty-four in the pack there was still about thirty plus. I flipped through them before pocketing them and digging out my phone.

There were three missed calls from Heidi and maybe three times as many texts.

“What the hell did you do!?!” Her voice was harsh and shrill with a mixture of concern and outrage. “Lee called and said you'd gotten into a full on war with the gang who had the deck!?”

“They were a bunch of drunk students...”

“Why didn't you just steal it!?”

“How?...”

She was silent for a good thirty seconds before asking, “Is it over, at least?” I looked around, even if I couldn't see the fire on the mezzanine, I could smell it. “I got the deck, yeah.” I stepped behind the bar and pulled my bag up onto it. Still talking to Heidi.

“Heidi, it's mostly cosmetic is the damage. Also, I had no idea what I was walking into and some of these cards have destructive properties!”

More silence. I dug out a compact mirror marked with stray correction fluid and a small pot of black corpse paint I borrowed from a band I'd done some work for in the past.  Eventually she said, “When you say 'cosmetic'...”

“One of the guys tried electrocuting me and another had a big fuck-off axe! What the hell was I supposed to do?”

“...Alright, go home, Dave. At least the building's still standing. Can we talk later?”

I was applying the black paint around my eyes in the style of an old-school bank robber, “That'll be fine. Got to go now, need to paint my fingers.” I hung up and put my phone away before smearing the remainder of the paint on my fingertips.

The emergency services showed up just as I'd grabbed all my belongings from all the floors and walked out one of the broken ground floor windows. No one stopped me or even noticed. I've used the Burglar Mask trick so often I don't even try to sneak away from people anymore. With the mask over my eyes and fingers. No one can see me, not unless they try very hard. I surveyed the damage, several of the ground floor windows were broken as was one of the glass doors. There was the small glow of fire coming from the mezzanine and the whole ground floor was a mess of glass, liquid and splinters. I could even see Lee talking with one of the police on site all the while looking around for me.

I took a deep breath and decided to head home to sleep off the inevitable hangover.

It was about a week later when the whole thing about the Deck came up again. Heidi had rang to tell me that it had been destroyed. She was just calling to let me know and if any of the missing cards had been destroyed. Outside of the fire-breathing one and one or two others I'd ripped up I'd assumed the rest were taken by the fire. This seemed to satisfy her. After she hung up I went back to clearing out my messenger bag, there'd been a bit of debris inside since and it was starting to muck up some of the pages in one of my sketchbooks. Digging around led to me discovering what turned out to be the Queen of Diamonds.

It took another minute or two to remember, this was the magic money card. I put it to one side and grabbed the jeans I was wearing that night from the laundry bin. In the back pocket, beside a used tissue and forty three pence was another one. I must have put it in there and forgotten about it after the blonde guy smashed his balls on the floor. I considered ripping them up there and then, but...

I remembered I'm also a starving artist and a mage. Neither career was especially rewarding. So I decided to keep hold of the Queen for a rainy day. The other card was the Nine of Spades and I never did see what that one did. I still don't, come to think of it, but it may come in useful somewhere along the line.

My Best Writing Comes From a Lot of Emotion

I think that can probably be said of most people. The best songs come from love or heartbreak or excitement. The best books come from really crazy or strange experiences in someone’s life. I think it’s safe to say that really beautiful things can come out of really horrible things. With that being said, it’s 4 am and I’m listening to a piano cover of Stairway to Heaven so you KNOW I’m about to spit some facts (haha). Here’s a topic that has been hard for me to grasp lately: Trust. Buckle up kids. 

I do my best (and worst) thinking at the absolute witching hour. The time when not even my friends are up (actually they probably are, quarantine really fucked everyone over). Anyway, here’s something that I still struggle with every day. Do we ever owe anyone anything? When I think about my relationships with people I always come back to this. I can and will talk to you for hours on end about any topic that interests you as long as I feel like that interest is reciprocated. If I feel like there’s a mutual care going on then I will confide in you, simple. I just..don’t know how far that stretches. Lately I’ve been on this kick of stepping back. If people want to tell me about their lives they will. If people want to let me in they will, but what if they don’t. What if I have the utmost urge to be the most raw version of myself with you but you won’t do that with me. 

Do I deserve that from other people? I don’t know. What if what I’m seeing is what I think is the most raw version of someone but it turns out not to be. That’s what confuses me the most. The worst thing about being so open to other people is that you kind of form a web of relationships and while it’s so widespread, it’s also thin. It’s not really hard for people to cut a connection with me because we know each other so well it’s like...if you mess up bad enough there’s no coming back from that. 

A lot of people have the misconception that a solid foundation of trust takes a lot of time. That’s not the case in my eyes. Time only allows you more time to trick yourself into thinking that you know someone better than you really do. I was reading a Malcolm Gladwell book a few months ago, Blink. It’s about first impressions. I loved it. Our guts aren’t wrong. If I have a doubt about you, and I change my mind, and you let me down, I’m even more inclined to trust myself after the fact. I’d like to think that I have pretty good intuition. I know when people are speaking from their hearts versus telling me what they think I might want to hear. 

In highschool, I took one of my favorite psychology classes. We had to take a research psychology course before we took AP, which I also loved. However, in the research course we talked a lot about ethics. You know what I mean, the: “if you had the choice between saving 1,000 people or you mom which would you choose” kinds of questions. One of them that stuck with me was this. “You and your husband/wife have recently broken up because you found out they were cheating. One day, you’re driving down the street and you see your ex spouse’s car so you pull to the side of the road. They’re with their new lover and they were involved in a hit and run. The person they cheated with is injured, but their bleeding can be healed within 15 minutes if you put pressure on it. Your ex spouse is significantly more injured, and it is unlikely they will make it without you driving them to the hospital immediately. There is no one else around, and for whatever reason, you only have room for one person in your car. Who do you choose to help?” Fuck. 

Obviously, I can think of a few ways you could save both people. I am definitely that kid that would be like “well ACTUaLLY you could meh meh meh blah blah blah” and then everyone would tell you to shut up and that wasn’t the point of the exercise. That’s besides the point. The point is it’s hard to forgive people when they deceive you in whatever way, life or death or not. Anyway, going back to Blink, I thought it was very intellectual and well written, but what I also know is that life gets in the way so many times. Can first impressions give us integral information about someone’s personality, absolutely, but sometimes their choices are an amalgamation of things that you never would have thought to put together. 

After going on the longest tangent ever, I’m back to where I started. It’s hard for me to trust people. I hate saying it because it sounds like I’m looking for pity or concern, but I’m not. It’s just a fact that I know what it’s like to constantly be lied to over the phone, on facetime, and in person by the same people..AND by people that knew about the previous time and lied by omission about something completely different. Don’t get me caught up in your lies. I was talking with a friend last week about whether it’s better to spare someone’s feelings/save face or tell them the truth and to that I say: the truth, every time. My pride is my concern and my concern only. You aren’t my savior for keeping something painful from me. In retrospect the hurt that would come from someone only showing me half of them permanently is far greater than the temporary hurt I would get from knowing the truth.  

I wish people would realize that at the end of the day there is truly nothing more I want for them than the best. I realize that it is never my place to tell you what to do with your life. But..the second that involves me, it is. I want to be my own person just as much as anyone else. I want to grow and learn and support you the entire time I’m doing it too, but I can’t do that if you’re dragging me into something I didn’t sign up for. I asked for your full transparency and I didn’t get it so yes, I’m hurt. 

I don’t really cry about this type of thing that much anymore. A little bit, yes, but then it kind of just..goes away. If anything, I’m always thinking about it. I’m less emotional and more inquisitive. Less combative, and more passive (that one took time though haha). Someone’s trust in anyone else is an absolute gift. It’s not given freely and not given lightly. Just don’t take it for granted. 

I don’t ever think there will be a time when I will stop trusting people. It’s in my nature to give you the benefit of the doubt. Could that be stupid? Yeah. However, if you break my trust, how I react to it is up to me. I know that people who care about me make mistakes too, but if you break it and run away from the fact that you did then there is no place for you here. So own up to everything you say and do. There is nothing more attractive in a friendship, relationship, etc. than accountability. 

Moving on takes a lot of time. You may be surprised to know that this particular post was only 40% about my ex, 60% about other things going on in my life. People are often made up of more than one bad experience. Often times it’s three steps forward and one back. You think that after your trust is betrayed once that it can never happen again but it can..it can. 

I still love everyone that is currently in my life and has ever been in my life. Just please be communicative with me. All of your devotion to transparency is all I could ever ask for at this point. I know what’s best for me, so never think that hiding things from me is doing me any favors. Thanks 

-Julia 

Thoughts

I recently read an article written by a woman who was super self-deprecating and why she was single. And she asked her exes why she was and they said some stuff about being intimidating mostly, but one person also discussed about how she was too upfront about her struggles at once which lead to why she was still single. I agree to a certain extent with what the last person wrote, but I also disagree in a lot of ways. The idea that you have to have a veil of mystery when meeting someone is stupid, although I don’t believe you should dump all of your garbage on the first date. However, sometimes you might end up doing so… become open on “accident”; I’ve done so with some people and it was essentially something that happened spur-of-the-moment. I feel as if no one knows how to connect anymore, so anyone who is open about their faults/flaws can come off as being “too real”. In finding a long term partner, I’m starting to believe that there is no real way… it’s a process/journey that may take some time to figure out. However, I know in my personal experiences that my self-deprecation is wholly unjust and unwarranted, not for the views of other people, but for the views of myself. For the past month-and-a-half I’ve been thinking about starting a blog called “Pls Kill Me” as a joke of all my dating woes… from the time when I was fifteen and unhealthily obsessed with a more I didn’t really even like (I just wanted attention from); to a girl who had told me no and I didn’t know how to respond properly; to a couple who tried to manipulate me into a threesome and then I ended up becoming unhealthily attached to them; to a girl who I went out with but didn’t really like and just wanted her to be there; to a girl I went out with after getting help, started to like, and she randomly bailed; to a woman who didn’t have a clue what she wanted and was also hiding her lesbianism; to the woman who thought I was a “baby chicken nugget”; to the first boy I slept with and I immediately wanted something more, but I had no clue about the difference between “sex” and “intimacy”; to the guy who I slept with, “stealthed” me and then lead me to believe a friendship could happen, but all-in-all why did I stay in that??; back to that first boy; to the guy I slept with on the first date and blamed myself for everything; to the guy I only kissed once and was really afraid of my own shadow and blamed myself when he backed off; to the boy who wanted a rebound but then a relationship, but then back to a rebound and wasn’t clear about it, who then dumped me after my Uncle died; to the boy who wouldn’t leave me alone after I said no, and who, essentially, only wanted sex….

Aha - lest we forget the guy who groped me in a Target parking lot at 18; or the man who wouldn’t stop pestering me on e-mail; or that time I had a sex slave once; or all of the dudes who rolled up at me in parking lots, while I was eating dinner by myself, at the movies, the grocery store, the subway transit system; the girl who randomly hit on me at the bar and was too shy to do it, so she asked her friend to do it, but she just wanted sex, the taken/married men; the guy on Craigslist (an experimental phase, I digress) who wanted to sleep with me because-ahem, and I quote-”black girls can handle big cocks and I have a big cock”; the 40-year-old men with multiple kids who forget to tell me their age until later; and of course, my absolute favorite, the guy who filmed while I was dancing at the club with my friends….

Oh wait-there’s more… the guy who put his hands down my pants when I drunk at a rave, mind you-it was kind of fun because I was drunk… but I WAS NOT SOBER AND HE DIDN’T ASK ME… oh well; or the guys who have literally picked me up and dry-humped me while I’ve been dancing in clubs/bars with my friends…

I think that was it. (Oh yeah, and the one guy who had a crush on me but I was so clueless I didn’t even realize it) I was going to document all of these as a way to maim myself but in all actuality… at the ripe age of twenty-two… I’m not really ashamed about my dating history anymore, and I don’t really want to maim myself about it. I’d like to be honest about it, but not in a way that puts me down… as I look back at all of them (I.e. most of these experiences were from online) I’ve learned a lot about people from all of them. I shouldn’t brand myself as ‘forever single’ because of these experiences… or as bad, or ‘undateable’, or whatever… they were all experiences that taught me something about how people work.

I’m not sure about marriage, kids, the future, settling down - I believe we are too focused on that as a whole. We are too focused on marketing ourselves to be a certain way, or that certain things mean something, or that whatever, blah, blah, blah. I used to think that this dating history, my mental health, codependency, the fact that I have been sexually assaulted, the fact that I’ve been hospitalized for things, the fact that I’ve struggled to set boundaries in the past (and somewhat in the present) were bad things…

I’M SUPPOSED TO BE PERFECT, DAMN IT. GET IT TOGETHER.

But… I’m not…. and there really is no rush in getting into a relationship. Like. At. Any. Age.

If you aren’t in a relationship at fifty, but you have a job that pays your bills, and you give back, and you’re focused on prioritizing the greater good for humanity and the rest of the world, and you’re just not an asshole, and you’re smart and kind and funny and awesome, why does it matter if you don’t have a family, kids, husband, wife, etc.? It doesn’t fucking matter.

Or, what if you don’t understand social cues and you’re autistic and functioning with the demands of dating is stressful for you and you don’t understand boundaries… and you just end up being alone…. who cares?

I don’t mind the idea of being forever alone anymore… even though I’m sure that one day I might meet someone of note but if I don’t… I’ll have a lifetime of adventure and possibility and vulnerability and honesty… sheer, in your fucking face honesty that makes everyone uncomfortable and angry and feel intimidated and weird because that women didn’t do anything wrong by sharing her faults in that article. I do expect effort from people… not a façade. No one measures up to that veil of mystery… that is why you will attempt to do the right thing over-and-over and you could still me a jerk who will manipulate you, or not really want to be with you, or cheat on you, or “insert-reason-here”.

For me personally, I have new boundaries now and while I’m currently waiting to have sex, or kiss, until I meet someone of note, just because I learned that from previous experiences, who knows… that might change. I’m not setting rules for some stupid new dating trick; I’m just doing what is comfortable for me. But… who knows-I might meet someone who I feel this amazing spark with and sleep with. I might take a risk. Who. Fucking. Knows. There might be something that I haven’t learned just yet that I need to find.

But life is life and if you are single…it’s not so bad… it’s not the end of the world… there’s nothing wrong with you… and there may not be someone out there for you but it’s because you are unique, and rad, and cool. And real. Just totally real.

My military experience Pt. 2

So yeah. I left out a few things in Pt. 1. Minor stuff. The time I pretended I had to use the bathroom to give my foot a rest. I left out a lot of stuff about marching. We had to march. A lot. At specific cadence. The training instructors were trained to look at everyone’s timing at once, so you best not fuck that up. 

When you talk to a training instructor, you’re required to start the statement off with “Sir/Ma’am, Trainee [last name] reports as ordered!” Exception being simple statements like “Yes sir” and etc.You’re also required to say “permission to adjust?” if you want to move your hands while talking. The training instructor I had reminded us a lot, as if you don’t say that before moving your hands, he’s allowed to take violent action towards you.

Another thing I left out in Pt. 1 was my first lunch break. I thought lunch time would be a rather chill moment and a break from all the hostile shit, but boy was I wrong! You’re supposed to carry your food and walk a certain way or you get CHEWED out. When you walk by all the instructors who are eating, they look for things to chew you out on. Scary. You’re not allowed to talk during lunch, or you also get chewed out. I experienced this. I asked someone to pass the ketchup and my training instructor flipped. So I tried to use sign language and pointed at the ketchup then I pointed at myself. They understood. I was halfway done with my food and then lunch ended. You’re supposed to eat REALLY fast. 

Anyway, it was eventually recommended that I get transferred to med-hold. I didn’t tell my training instructor about this for a while. Idk. The news got out in my dorm that I was transferring out. Some dudes walked up to me and told me they liked me and didn’t want to see me go. That was pretty touching cause I didn’t think anyone cared about me like that. One dude asked if I ever went to LSU, and how he almost played against them as a punt returner, but he got kicked out of college for weed and ended up joining the air force as his new path.

Real shit.

Anyway, I packed all of my stuff in this heavy ass bag and got escorted to my new dorm. I had a wingman who was being seperated from training. He got into a fight with someone. He was on one of the last weeks of training, too. I figured I shouldn’t fuck with him.

We had to wait in this office to talk to this high-ranking dude before getting transferred. I was pretty bored. I decided to read the small bible they gave me at church. I got yelled at for reading that and was told to read my air manual. I was like “aight whatevs” in my head. I didn’t care what I was reading. I read some of the combat section of the manual. It told me that kicking someone in the balls is a very viable combat strategy. Word.

Got called in. Dude asked me my plans in life blah blah. Then he approved of me leaving. 

One rule I didn’t mention is the fact you’re supposed to have a hat on outside at all times. You’re also never supposed to wear it indoors. You have to develop a quick technique of folding it and unfolding it a lot to put it in your pocket. I had my heavy ass bags and etc and I forgot to put my hat back on when I walked outside. A training instructor backed his truck up and yelled “HEY YOU. NICE HAT. REAL NICE HAT YOU GOT THERE. NICE HAT MAN!!!”

My personal training instructor (who didn’t notice I didn’t have my hat on) told me to put it on. Fuckin weirdos. 

Fast-foward. I’m in med-hold. Med-hold is where you go if:

1. you are injured

2. you are overweight or underweight

3. you are suspended/about to seperate

If you fall into one of the above categories, you go to med-hold and they decide what happens next. Some people get sent back to training if they get their weight right or their injury heals. Some people get sent home after further doctor visits and etc. That was me.

Med-hold isn’t nearly as hostile as the rest of the training, but it can be. Some of the people there might have mental disorders, so the training instructors are a bit more chill. After I got briefed on everything and temporarily got my cellphone back to call my parents, I went to my new dorm. I pretty much went to sleep immediately. I was even more sleep-deprived than I was before.

When I woke up, this white dude was laughing at me saying I was in a pretty deep sleep, as he was shooting rubberbands at me the whole time without me flinching. I didn’t really know how to respond to that. His nickname was McCrazy, and you can kinda guess why they called him that.

Uusually med-hold dorms have a training instructor, but they just happened to be short on people. So we kinda had our own rule there. We had pretty crazy dorm chief. (a dorm chief is the same rank as you basically, but he’s responsible for keeping order and can tell on you to a training instructor)

One time, after we showered, he walked out naked and said “everyone admire my HUGE dick. Don’t worry, it doesn’t make you gay to admire a dick.”

One morning he woke up and began singing “I love my mamacita, I give her my burrita”

Another time he walked in and said “yo I was on a scouting mission to see what kinda bitches I can fuck when I get outta here”

This one white dude referred to him as a “stereotypical black dude” which landed him a side-eye (from me). Anyway, dorm chief basically tore his ACL during training and wasn’t allowed to go home or anything because the military pretty much doesn’t like to send people home with injuries to avoid lawsuits or something like that. 

I kept to myself for a good while, but med-hold is SO BORING. You’re required to clean your dorm and make your bed and report every morning and etc, but you’re mostly not doing anything except for talking to people in the dorm if you’re not going to one of your doctor’s appointments.

I ogt so bored I started doing a lot of real-life trolling. Like walking up to this one guy and saying “say bruh, you wanna start something?” all menacingly. Then saying “Cause you look rather educated, I think you’d make a good partner if we started a business” He laughed and told me “man I thought you were tryna fight or something”

I did this kinda stuff a lot. One day I wrapped myself in tattered sheets and told everyone I’m an ancient sorcerer who can cast spells. Don’t judge me, I had to entertain myself somehow!

Other people had their own troll routines too. This one dude I knew (we were very cool) pretended to be gay a lot. It was probably a kinda homophobic routine, but it was just hilarious to me because of how he executed it. Like one time we were all going upstairs and he yelled “mmmhmmm. get yall sexy asses up them stairs”

Then another time he walked up to me and he was like “yo man, you tryna get me to suck yo dick or something?? Walkin’ round here like that” lmao

There were a lot of hypothetical discussions and etc in our dorm. “Who would win in a fight, Hulk or Goku?” I pretty much said Goku for every hypothetical. Eventually our dorm chief chimed in and he was like “man. Y’all niggas should be picking Goku everytime for that shit”

Speaking of the dorm chief, he eventually told me “Yo Bailey. You didn’t really talk much when you first got here, but you talk a lot now. Even though you’re fucking weird, I’m glad you’re talking and shit now”

There was this one dude in our dorm, he was in charge of door duty. That’s not the official name for it but yeh, it was door duty. Basically, you sit/stand at the door and do a security clearance for people exiting and entering. People have to show ID and you’re supposed to verify it and ask them to come in. I did this duty a few times.

One time a training instructor came (you’re supposed to screen training instructors too) and I asked him to ID and he told me his name. I thought this was a trick and asked him to show ID again and he told me “OPEN THIS GOD DAMN DOOR” and I was like “*cough* access granted” and let him through.

Another time, a dude from a different dorm came and asked for our dorm chief. I told my dorm chief and he was like “yo tell him I’m not here” So I did. Then the dorm chief said “wait nevermind” and came to the door. The guy I just lied to looked at the chief, then looked at me and said “yooo you bitch ass nigga” lmao

Anyway, the door duty guy was weird. He was from Wisconsin. He told me that there’s not many black people from Wisconsin, so he wanted to “study” me. Weirdo.

Speaking of racism, this one white dude got transferred in our dorm, and I HATED him. He was really racist. He made jokes about black girls being too loud and I wanted to beat his ass. The assistant dorm chief who was afro latino basically said he was excited to bully that guy.

Every week, we were required to attend a “don’t kill yourself” meeting. It was boring as shit. But that was clearly an issue, as some people probably ended up mentally fucked from knowing they were stranded there for so long if their injury took too long to heal.

At times, it felt like I’d never get to home or return to training. 

I had a few appointments I ended up going to. One I went with this one dude, I remember his last name was Farr. He was cool. I remember we debated some random shit in the waiting room and we asked this one woman for her take and when she left he said in a semi-british accent “I must say, she had quite nice cleavage” The accent was funny cause he was definitely a southern black dude.

But yeah. to be honest, she did. He wasn’t lying. Speaking of cleavage, this might be TMI, but I thought I developed erectile dysfunction or some shit. I hadn’t been sexually aroused in so long lmao

Anyway, I also remember the TV talking about Clint Eastwood talking to a chair or some shit? Was weird. Being in military training kinda cuts you off from the rest of the world. I had no idea what kinda stuff was happening in the news. 

The foot specialist doctor who saw me told me there was pretty much nothing that could be done for my foot except surgery, and that the military wouldn’t want to pay for that.

He was right. After rehab and a few more checkups, I eventually got an orange armband. That armband means you’re getting sent home eventually.

Eventually. Like I said, it’s not a simple process. A lawyer has to terminate your contract, etc. All that waiting sucked.

I remember the A/C dying and us being allowed to go to the mall and shop and shit with our paychecks. That was cool. We HAD to leave and not stick around be cause San Antonio is hot as fuck. It was regularly 100 F and we had winter uniforms on. Some dudes bought magic the gathering cards, yugioh cards, etc. One dude bought a basketball for some reason. I didn’t really buy shit. 

I remember going to this one chicken place on the base and falling in love with the girl who took my order for my chicken tho. I was telling myself stuff like “Damn...she def wants me cuz she took my order with a genuine smile. Then I had one of my trademark inner debates. Like “nigga, that’s what she’s paid to do. She don’t want your ass. You can’t talk to women here anyway.”

The more cynical me had a point. 

Anyway, after we ate I remember us going to this old ass theater and watching a movie. It was Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I got nacho cheese on my uniform and it came right off and I was all amazed by the stain technology. Diary of a Wimpy Kid wasn’t memorable, by the way. I forgot what happened.

Oh, I forgot to mention: I was sick. I had the damn flu. Sharing space with 30+ dudes probably does that.

Remember the racist guy whose ass I wanted to beat? One time I came back and found him drinking out of my canteen. It had my name on it. I told him to keep it. Who knows what kinda germs that shithead had. $10 down the drain!

When we got our A/C back, things were a lil better. I was still pretty sick, but at least I wasn’t going through extreme temp changes anymore. We kept having our nerdy discussions. This one dude was talking about his Pokemon team and naming pokemon whose names I didn’t recognize. I was kinda upset by that cause I used to run a Pokemon fansite. Smh. He was a native dude from Louisiana. He told me if he lived in the town I’m from, he’d probably kill himself.

Aight then.

I ended up coughing a ton from being sick. Especially at night. Oh, by the way. Two people are required to patrol the dorm at night while everyone sleeps. I had that duty once. The buddy I mentioned earlier who would do the gay trolling routine told me to drink water and don’t worry about doing my patrol, he’d handle it for me. I really appreciated that. 

I didn’t want to keep people up with my coughing and sickness, so I slept in the bathroom. It’s not as bad as it sounds. One time someone walked in, pissed, and left. Then he went back in and did a doubletake towards me and went “Yo Bailey, WHAT THE FUCK”

and left.

Weeks passed. I’m still not home yet. I was getting really annoyed. Also, time seems to go by a LOT longer in a military dorm. My first day felt like an entire week had passed. One time I volunteered to help deliver some documents. That was a good idea. The people I delivered the documents for told me they’d help me get home faster for helping them.

The day finally came. My name was called. “You get to go home” I was so happy. Wearing regular clothes again felt wild. As a trainee, you’re kinda trained to move out of the way for training instructors and higher-ranked people. When I had on jeans and a t-shirt, I moved out of the way in this hallway for an instructor he was like “hah, it’s cool brotha, just pass”

I felt human again. Not being yelled at by an instructor felt legit. This one guy called me by first name, which I had to get used to again. Was kinda weird.

I got to the San Antonio airport and this one military guy saw me with documents in my hand (they were military seperation documents) he was like “yo you getting deployed bruh?” I was like “nah, the opposite lol”

Ended up at the airport in Dallas. I was alone this time. I ended up lost for 45 minutes. That airport was fuckin huge. Imagine a sick dude in an airport wandering around for almost an hour. Not pretty. My flight to New Orleans was delayed anyway though.

Finally got to New Orleans. Finally got home. Got on my computer. Played Channel Orange. I wanted to listen to that so bad for some reason.

SHE’S GIVING ME...PLEAASSSSUREEEEEE

Indie-Author Adventures #9 - Gnothi Seauton

Let's get to work, writers. Welcome back to my fantastical journey in indie-authoring! Phew... today's episode is going to be a wee bit different in that it's more of a "rubber meets the road" installment. So let's jump in. For you just joining me, each week in 2019 I'll be making a new post on my adventures in indie-ing. What I learn, what challenges I face, what works, what doesn't (!), and hopefully some tidbits, tips, and tricks that can help other indie-authors out along the way. This Past Week Blah, blah, blah... tech work... blah, blah, blah... not enough writing. Yep, that's been pretty much my 2019 summed up so far. 😉🤦‍♀️ And - let's be very real here... I can "blame" that on my author-tech biz, I can "blame" that on life, I can blame that on whatever I want. But at the end of the day - that is still 100% on me. (Yeah, sometimes we gotta call ourselves out on our own bullshit - harsh, but necessary lol) So, I had to ask myself, whatcha gonna do about it? Whine? Or get to work? Whining takes too much energy and gives very little in ROI... so that's not really a viable (or common-sense) option. Let's start at the beginning and go from there, eh? One of the biggest complaints / challenges I hear from indie-authors the most is: "I don't have (enough) time to write!" I feel ya -- all the way down to my little, shadowy writer soul. That begs the question: How do I Write - Every - Single - Day? A writing ritual. Yeah, I know, I know... sounds contrite, forced... even "duh". But, don't take my word for it, look at every successful author out there, indie or trad-published. But... but... I have kids, a family, a job, a life, a this, a that, and one of those others, too! Uh-huh. Me too. Self-employed, single-mama with a chronic illness here... I feel ya. But - and here's where we get real and have to call ourselves out on our own BS again - if we want to actually DO this "writer thing", then we have to... you know... DO the writing thing. 😉 Your Personal Writing Ritual (& How to Find It) Just like with most things indie, there is no "one right way". No one-size-fits-all solutions. And finding your own personal writing ritual that works for you is no different. It takes some investigation, it takes some research, and mostly, it takes some trial and error. You'll see a lot of tips out there on the interwebz for what you "should" do during your writing ritual. And again - being real here - some of them are bollocks. "Schedule it" Great. I have words written on my calendar. My problems are solved! 🤦‍♀️😒🤦‍♀️ I don't know about you - but life tends to not care about my day-planner. So while this isn't completely bogus advice -- you absolutely will want to guard and protect your writing time -- but a simple "put it on a calendar" doesn't actually solve anything. "Set a daily word count and don't get up until you hit it" Riiiiiight. Now, this may work for you, I can't say. Personally, I have two thoughts about this one. I tend to not be my most free, creative self under the lash of the "word count whip". Um... life. If you are to the point of writing exclusively as your career, then this one may not be entirely possible or relevant. I will one day be like one of my favorite authors and have this set count - but until that day arrives, I still have to run my business, and take care of all those pesky little life things that happen all around us, all the time. "Keep a Writing Journal" Hmm... now we're getting somewhere.  Huh?! You may ask... write before I can start writing for the day? Kinda - but this actually is a GREAT tool for discovering your perfect writing ritual. Let's dispense with all the small-chat here, eh? Here's what you need to craft your perfect writing ritual: gnothi seauton (know thyself) You need to know when your creative brain is at its peak. Is this when you first wake up? The middle of the day? At midnight with candles casting a flickering glow over your parchments? The best way I found to figure this out is self-reflection -- and self-reflection becomes MUCH easier if you keep a simple journal and record your thoughts / feelings / observations throughout the day. Before long, you'll see your own patterns. Be okay with whatever words come out. Are they inspired? Are they utter crap? It doesn't matter, truly, it doesn't. You can edit and revise a badly written page - you can't edit a blank one. Create your "sacred space". You'll probably want to refer back to your journal for this one. Does your creative brain work better in an organized, clutter-free space? Do you prefer natural light? Do you need to keep a 'doodle pad' nearby to scribble or jot down random ideas? Sideline your electronics. I can't 100% stand behind the "turn off all electronics & internet" to minimize distractions advice. One - I run a biz, I have to have some level of availability. Plus, I prefer writing on my laptop AND I have writing music playlists on YouTube for whatever project / scene I'm working on. Again - this is what works for YOU - test out both ways and see which works best. Track your writing! This is hands-down the best way I found to perfect my writing ritual. But wait, isn't this the same as the whole "keeping a journal" thing? It is a part of it. Each day, jot down what time you started writing with a few short notes about the where, how, weather, how you're feeling, etc. You aren't writing a dissertation here, a few simple notes will do. When you are done writing - do the same thing and include your word count. This info is invaluable in finding what works for you. Go Pro - Casual Friday - or Naked Cowboy! WTH!? You may be asking. Are you able to get into the author-writing mindset better if you treat it as a professional gig, more biz-formal clothing, like a corporate meeting? Are you better able to get into the flow in more comfy, casual clothes? Or go full-on naked cowboy and let the words fly? Figure out what works best for you - it really does matter. Meditate, pray, call to your muses. This isn't about religion, this is about quieting your 'monkey-mind' so you can let your creative-self come through all the noise. Don't meditate or pray? No problem - Steven Pressfield is known to recite Homer's invocation of the Muses before he writes. (psst... it's about what works for you, remember?) LAST - but certainly far, far from least -- this one is so important that it needed to be kept separate from the list above... 🔥 HAVE ONE PAGE in your journal, taped to your mirror, whatever works -- and as you are experimenting with what writing ritual practices work for you, write down the ones that felt good on this sheet. Only the ones that felt really good, or where you got lost in the writing flow. The ones that felt forced or awkward - toss them out. 🔥 After a surprisingly short amount of time, you are going to have a mish-mash list of things that are the components of your perfect writing ritual. Your writing ritual is YOURS. Not mine. Not the Joneses next door. Not Stephen King's. Not J.K. Rowling's. Yours. And you'll know when you find it - it feels like coming home. ❤ What I Accomplished Blog updates Weekly author-biz review  (read Russell Nohelty's, Sell Your Soul book!) Author newsletter Website server migrations Authors Mojo PAWs - prepping for product launch Author customer work - book formatting (x2), website updates (x4) Podcast interview! 😮🥰 Author-tech coaching call & class Novella book cover completed Testing out new 'book plotting' method (details coming soon!) 😉 The Big Takeaway Read the full article

1. What type of criminal would you be? I wouldn’t be.

2. What are you listening to right now? An ASMR video.

3. If you had to choose a stripper name, what would it be? I’ll spare everyone from having to see this body of mine.

4. If your phone started ringing, who would you hope is calling? I don’t hope anyone calls. I get anxious when my phone rings.

5. Do you drink? Not alcohol.

6. Do you smoke? No.

7. What is the first thing you notice in someone? It’s not the same on every single person. <<<<<

8. Do you get attached easily? Yes. And I fall too hard, too fast.

9. Do you like your eye color? I wish I had blue or green eyes.

10. Have any stupid human tricks? What would be a “stupid human trick”, exactly? Whatever they are, I’m sure I don’t have any. I have no talents.

11. Humor me. What physical ideal do you imagine in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? I don’t have an exact type, really. I’ve been attracted to guys of different builds, heights, hair color, eye color, etc. Initially their physical appearance may catch my attention, but it’s the personality and we connect that I really fall for.

12. What type of personality traits do you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? Sense of humor, kind, caring, patient, understanding, helpful, trustworthy, loyal...all that good stuff. Someone I vibe with and just have that connection with, ya know?

13. Any other essential quirks/interests/other you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? I mean, they’d have to be able to put up with me for one thing. I can be moody and irritable. I’m annoying and sensitive. I have health issues they’d have to be understanding of. Someone who doesn’t mind just chillin at home and binge-watching together. Oh, and someone who respects that I need my alone time.

14. Any romantic gestures you really like? Compliments are nice, doing little things that let me know they think about me are nice, but I don’t care much for big romantic gestures. <<< I like this. Same. And bringing me coffee and/or food is good. ha.

15. Any sexual fantasies? Are you daring enough to share one? Nah.

16. Have you ever been in love? Yes. Twice.

17. Do you have a crush/romantic interest in anyone? Alexander Skarsgard.

18. What’s your sexual orientation (if you feel comfortable answering)? Straight.

19. What’s your favorite color and why? Yellow, teal, mint green, and pastels.

20. What was your most embarrassing moment? Blah.

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? Yes. Quite often.

22. What were you like when you were a kid? I was quiet and shy. Not a whole lot has changed.

23. What would your dream house be like? Uhhh. Wooden floors and spacious enough. It doesn’t have to be a huge house with a bunch of rooms and such, but just one that my family and I could live in comfortably. Nice backyard.

24. What last made you laugh? Something on Tumblr.

25. Do you have a place you like to go to collect your thoughts? No, not particularly.

26. What is your favorite/least favorite word? I can’t stand the c**t word or the p***y word.

27. What turns you on? Blah.

28. What turns you off? Bleh.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No.

30. Would you go bungee jumping/sky diving if given the chance? Noooooooooooooo.

31. Do you have any siblings? I have two brothers.

32. Do you like to dance? No.

33. What is your definition of cheating? …probably about the same as everyone else’s. <<<<< Right? 34. Have you ever stolen anything? No.

35. Do you regret anything? A lot of things.

36. Do you have any phobias? Yes.

37. Ever broken any bones? Yes.

38. Ever come close to death? Yes.

39. What is your religion/spirituality, if any? Christianity.

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? No, but I’ve been wanting to for a long time.

41. Are looks important in a relationship? They’re not the most important thing, no, but I feel like there’s got to be some physical attraction. There’s more important things that keep the relationship going, but I can’t say looks don’t matter at all.

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? I have a lot of my dad’s personality traits. The negative ones.

43. What is your favorite season? Fall.

44. Do you have any tattoos? Nope.

45. Do you have any piercings? Just my earlobes.

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? One with the title, but I don’t really feel like it was a relationship. The one that felt more like one in some ways didn’t have the title because we weren’t actually together. Basically, zero.

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? On TV shows.

48. What is your favorite thing to do? Read and study the Bible, drink coffee, Tumblr, watch YouTube videos, read, and do surveys.

49. If you could only visit one place outside of your hometown, where would it be? Hmm. There’s a lot of places I’d like to visit.

50. Do you get jealous easily? More envious than jealous, really. I need to work on it.

51. What is your favorite type of food? Chicken tenders, burritos, and pizza.

52. Do you ever want to get married? I don’t know.

53. Who was your first kiss with? Derek.

54. How many people have you kissed? Three.

55. What is your idea of the perfect date? Just being with the person and enjoying each other’s company. If there’s food and/or coffee involved, that’s good, too.

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert.

57. Do you believe in life on other planets, ghosts, or mythical creatures? I don’t know about life on other planets. I believe there are demonic spirits that you shouldn’t mess with. I don’t believe in mythical creatures.

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? Having a talent would be nice.

59. What is your saddest memory? Blah.

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? No.

61. Do you believe in soul mates? I don’t know if there’s one person out there you’re meant to be with.

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? Many, many, many times over the years. I’ve dyed it once a month for the past two years, Well, I’ve slacked these past few months, but yeah.

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? No.

64. Would you go against your moral code for money? I don’t think so.

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you? It’s 4:09AM, I don’t feel like thinking about it.

66. Have you ever been diagnosed with depression? Yes.

67. Have you ever contemplated suicide? Yes.

68. How long was your longest relationship? Sigh.

69. Is the glass half empty or half full? Half-empty.

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Play me a song on the piano or guitar.

71. Who is your most loyal friend? My mom.

72. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, what is your favorite thing about him/her? --

73. What is your favorite thing about your body and your personality? I like my red hair when the color looks good and my roots aren’t showing. I just wish I had the energy and motivation to do something with my hair besides just throwing it up in a pony tail all the time. I don’t know why i get it done and let my hair grow out (it’s really long now) when I don’t even do anything with it. What a waste.

74. Are you a bad person? I feel like it sometimes.

75. Are you a lover or a fighter? A lover.

76. What did you do on your last birthday? My mom made my favorite dinner on my actual birthday and we had cake. Afterwards, I opened presents. Super chill and lowkey and I liked it. The following day we went to my favorite restaurant and invited my older brother and his boyfriend to join us.

77. What is your favorite quote and why? I don’t know.

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? I hate this question. I means seriously?

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? Gah just one thing? Though, I suppose there is one thing that led to a series of other things that I’d like to change.

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? I’d be too upset and scared to do anything else.

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? I’ve had many.

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? I’m just not happy in general. A relationship isn’t going to change that. I need to work on things within myself.

83. Who were you in a past life? I don’t believe in past lives.

84. What is your happiest childhood memory? Just being a kid.

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? That’s the only kind I know. Both times I’ve been in love, the feelings were not returned.

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? No.

87. What is the story behind one of your scars? Spinal surgery.

88. What is your ideal career? I don’t know. That’s the problem. 89. Do you want kids? I don’t know.

90. Are you conservative or liberal? --

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? Who am I to say.

92. How do you feel about PDA? I don’t mind some PDA.

93. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? No hate.

94. Where would you like to live? I’m not sure, but it’s not here. By here I mean the city in which I live.

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation? Sweden.

96. Describe yourself in one word. Sensitive.

97. Describe yourself in one sentence. I have make things complicated.

98. Where do you see yourself in five years? I gotta take it a day at a time, buddy.

99. What is your greatest accomplishment? I don’t feel like I have one.

100. What is the meaning of life? That’s for you to find out.

Pretty sure this is like 7 surveys in one yikes.

On Saturdays, I like to… Attempt to sleep in, hang out with mark, order take out.

Where would you like to be a missionary to? I would not.

What’s better — toilet paper rolled over top or underneath? There’s literally no difference.

Which Scooby-Doo character are you most like (Scooby, Shaggy, Daphne, Fred, Velma, the monster, Scrappy?) Velma.

If you had to endure one natural disaster (i.e. hurricane, tornado, etc), what would you pick and why? Nah, I’m good. Chicago is pretty good about not having natural disasters so lets keep it that way. The worst we get is trees being knocked over and like 100 ft of snow.

What movie or TV show do you take guilty pleasure in watching? Teen Mom 2.

If you had to describe your day as a traffic sign, what would it be? Yield.

What traditional stereotype would you classify yourself as? I don’t know.

What “group” did you belong to in high school? I didn’t really.

If you wrote a book about yourself…what would it be about? ...About myself, obviously.

If your house were burning down, what would you take and why? I seriously dislike this question.

Describe your favorite pair of PJ’s. I just got fair isle pikachu pj pants that I am in love withhhhh.

How many handbags do you own? A handful. BUH DUM TISS.

If this were your last day alive, what would you say to your friends? I have no idea.

What is your very favorite part of your day? Sleeping.

What is your best scar? Tell the story of how you got it. I have very few scars and all of the stories are really mundane. The most interesting one is the teeny tiny one I got from stabbing myself while making cheeseburgers one time.

You win a million dollars, but you have to give half to a charity. Which charity do you pick, and what do you do with the rest of the money? The childhood cancer research charity of my friend Rebecca’s choice. She lost her 3 year old son to cancer in 2014, and childhood cancer is the least funded research out there. Then I‘d use the rest of it to buy myself a nice car and a place to live.

Describe your dream wedding where money is no option. There’s still a little part of me that wants a big wedding but it just seems like such a waste. The day should be about you and your partner and it seems so crazy to go through all that trouble and money to impress other people. Because that’s honestly what it is.

What kind of deodorant do you use? Secret.

Do you have a birth mark? Where? Does it look like anything? Nah.

You are planning the most awesome dinner party of your life. Which 3 celebrities/historical figures (past or present) would you add to your guest list to keep the dinner talk interesting? Aubrey Plaza, Tina Fey, and Matthew Perry. The sarcasm would be REAL.

What is your favorite sport, and which team of that sport do you cheer for? Baseball. The 2016 World Series Champion Chicago Cubs.

Which would you rather have a kiss or a hug? Why? Both are nice. Hugs are more comforting though.

If you could be a pair of jeans what style would you be?  Why? Skinny. Because then I‘d be skinny.

You have multiple personalities, describe some of them. Uh, no. Multiple personality disorder is a real thing and not just some funny survey question to list off your different “sides” or whatever.

What is the best thing you have done in your life? Witnessed my niece being born.

If you were blind for the rest of your life… what would you miss seeing the most? Jesus, everything.

What household chore do you hate the most? All of them.

What is your most disappointing moment in life? Just one?

When have you laughed the hardest? Cried? Dude, I don’t know.

If you had a “theme song” that played whenever you walk into a room full of people, what would it be? "IM BOSSY, I’M THE BITCH THAT YOU LOVE TO HATE”

What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Nothing.

What time period from the past would you most have liked to live in and why? This one’s fine. There are lots that I would love to visit, but I’d never want to throw away our current level of progress permanently. <---Yup, I like this answer.

What is the best reward anyone can give you? Money is nice.

If you had a band what would you name it? Fleetwood Mac Sex Pants.

Do you like fruit? Vegetables? Yes.

What can someone do to encourage you? I don’t know. Pay me? Hahahahaha I need money.

If you could be one for just 24 hours, what cereal box cartoon character would you be? Why? Toucan Sam so I could fly around places and snack on Froot Loops all day. <---another good answer stolen from Kayla.

What was the best thing that happened to you this weekend? Last weekend we rang in the new year in Michigan.

What is your favorite animal? List three adjectives to explain your choice. Pandas. Cute, big, black and white.  

What is your favorite color? List three adjectives to explain your choice. Purple. Deep, appealing, pretty.

It’s a very hot and muggy day. You desperately want something very cool and refreshing to quench your thirst and revitalize your body. What would you drink — either make your own or store-bought. Water.

You discover that the person you’re head-over-heels interested in loves a good homemade & handmade dessert. What will you concoct when you have this person over? He actually doesn’t like sweet stuff, so I’d make him sushi instead.

What would you leave in your will for the person you care about the most? I don’t really have much to leave right now.

What do you consider to the most valuable thing you own: when you were a child/teenager/now? My laptop maybe? Or maybe my engagement ring?

What’s the kindest act you have ever seen done? I don’t know.

If you could have any job in the world, which one would you want? Professional sushi-taster.

What are your best/worst subjects in school and what subjects would you want to learn now? Blah.

What are you most talented at? Organizing, kind of. Also being a cool aunt.

What is your worst nightmare today? My grandmother is living in my house now.

How often do you clean between your toes? Whenever I shower, so a few times a week.

What is your favorite way to waste time at work without getting caught? Surveys, haha. I do a majority of these at work.

If you could have had the starring role in one film already made, which movie would you pick? Eh.

If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do? No thanks.

If you could eliminate one thing you do each day in the bathroom so that you never had to do it again, what would it be? Brush my teeth I guess. They’d just magically be clean.

You were just given a yacht. What would you name it? The Ramona.

If you could have been told one thing that you weren’t told when you were a teenager, what would you like to have heard? Eat better.

You’ve just been hired to a promotions position at Kellog Co. What would you put in a new breakfast cereal box as a gimmick? Pokemon figures, just because I’d want them for myself.

Just like “Everybody Wang Chung tonight!”, what action would your name be if it were a verb? Having horrible balance. Not really a verb, but a pretty broad use of the term haha.

Name your favorite song. Hold On by Tom Waits.

If you were to get a tattoo, what would it say or what would the graphic be? I’ve been kinda wanting a small W for the Cubbies. And I kind of want my Pikachu covered and then a different style done somewhere else.

If you could play any musical instrument, what would it be and why? If you already play an instrument(s), what do you play and why? Guitar I guess.

When trick-or-treating as a kid, was there any kind of candy that you didn’t like to get? 3 Musketeers.

Why do you live in the Washington DC area? I don’t?

What is your favorite memory of Christmases past? My niece’s first Christmas.

What is the most outrageous thing you’ve done for God? Not believing in him. Hah.

If a movie was being made of your life and you could choose the actor/actress to play you, who would you choose and why? Aubrey Plaza mainly so I could just meet her haha.

Paper or plastic? Plastic because those seem to be the ones with handles on them. Chicago banned basic plastic bags and now we have reusable ones but if you don’t bring them back to the store, they give you paper ones which don’t have handles.

What was the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten? I’ve had ostrich and alligator before.

What do you keep in the trunk of your car? I have some basic maintenance things in there. Not sure if I still do, but I had a snow shovel for digging myself out of parking spots.

When you were in grade school, what did you want to be when you grew up? Why? I think a vet.

If you owned a CB radio what would your “handle” be? I don’t know what that is.

If you were given 24 hrs to live, what would you do? I would wait until I had like 3 hours left, eat a SHIT TON of sushi and lobster and crab and then die right before the bill came.

If you were in the “Miss America” talent competition, what would your talent be? (Note: both guys & gals have to answer this question) Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah no.

What do you think the most ultimate gift of the world is? Gift of the world? You mean in the world?

What is your earliest childhood memory? I have little memories of the apartment we lived in until I was 4. I was just talking about this with Ellen the other day. My most vivid one was from when I was about 4 and my parents had put a hook lock at the top of the outside of my sister’s door to keep me out when she wasn’t in there. I figured out how to climb on a chair, reach it, and lock my sister in her room one day.

What was your favorite TV show when you were growing up? Tiny Toons, Pokemon, and Garfield and Friends.

If you had one extra hour of free time a day, how would you use it? Probably doing nothing, hah.

What CD is in your CD player right now? I don’t own anything that plays CDs. Or CDs anymore for that matter.

The great theologian Andy Warhol stated that everyone gets 15 minutes of fame.  What happened during your 15 minutes? I was on Radio Disney once.

Name the most famous person you’ve had a face to face encounter with. I guess Dane Cook would be the most recognizable name. I saw him live when I was a young dumb kid and thought he was hilarious (ew) and he came out after the show and was trying to get to the table where he was signing things and my friend and I were in his way and he taps us on the shoulder and goes “excuse me ladies.” 

Name your favorite children’s story. The Witch‘s Christmas. And the Ramona Quimby books.

If you could spend 15 minutes with any living person, who would it be and why? Rowan Blanchard because she’s so amazingggggg. 

What person in the Bible do you most closely identify with? There’s someone named Hannah in the bible so I guess her? Or maybe Satan? He’s mentioned a few times, right?

What article of clothing most closely describes your personality? I have no idea.

If you were to write a book what would it be about? Nothing.

How many rings before you answer the phone? My phone doesn’t “ring” in intervals, it plays The Office theme song.

What is the first thing you think of when you wake in the morning? I don’t know, it varies.

If you won a million dollars, what would you do with it? I would save some and then buy myself a nice place to live and a car.

If you had to, what part of your body would you get pierced? I’m good with piercings.

Who was your favorite teacher and why? My Kindergarten teacher Mrs. Furuta. She taught us oragami and other fun art projects. She would also stage these “trips” to different countries where we’d pretend to fly on a plane and “land” and there’d be a whole like little “market” set up with crafts and food from that country. It was so cool. She taught my sister and her best friend too. We ran into her at said best friend’s son’s funeral and she has been keeping in touch with us ever since. She’s very very sweet.

What makes you feel the most secure? Mark.

Who do you admire the most? My friends.

Have you ever had a reoccurring dream? What was it? Yeah, I used to have a reoccurring dream about alligators.

What was your nickname growing up? Nothing really stuck but my mom would sometimes call me Fanny or Pooka 2 (My sister was the original Pooka haha)

Who was your hero when you were a child, and what did you do to be like them? My dad.

Peanut or plain? M&Ms? Peanut.

What is your favorite cartoon character & why? Brendon Small because he’s the best.

How did you learn to ride a bicycle? With my legs?

Based on something you’ve already done, how might you make it into the Guinness Book of World Records? Most croutons in a single salad.

What’s the closest you’ve come to becoming a pop star/winning an Oscar? Haha, wow, I’ve never been even remotely close.

When was the last time you did something for the first time? What was it? I took my niece to the movies alone for the first time the other day if that counts.

What is your concept of a fruitful day? Pffft.

What was your favorite thing to play with as a child? Why? Barbies. I liked making them into families and making up stories for them.

If you could be any animal in the world for 24 hours, which animal would you be? Why? Maybe a sea otter? Something aquatic that isn’t terrifying. I think it’d be kinda fun to just swim around all day. <---DUDE Kayla and I are the same person, except I’d probably just be a straight up fish.

Have you ever jumped out of a plane? Nope.

If you could rid the world of one thing, what would it be? My brother in law.

What is your best personal characteristic? I’m pretty good at planning stuff.

What is your favorite quote? “Love her, but leave her wild.”

If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? Freak the fuck out of my brother in law.

What is your favorite weird food combination? Hmmm. I can’t think of anything honestly. I like a lot of “weird” food but not really weird combos?

If you had to be a flower, which one would you like to be and why? Gardenias so I could smell amazing all the time.

If you were stranded on a desert island, what three books and three people would you take with you? I’d take a book on how to make a boat out of sticks and shit.

My biggest pet peeve is… People who clear their throats every five seconds. <--- I AM LAUGHING SO FUCKING HARD BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT MY BROTHER IN LAW DOES @tapiooocasurveys you would HATE him so much holy shit.

What is your favorite commercial? What commercial annoys you the most? The most annoying one right now is the freaking Candy Crush one. I can’t think of a commercial I would call my favorite. I’ve always enjoyed the Geico ones. They are usually pretty cute and clever.

What’s the most interesting “Ice Breaker” Question you have ever been asked? Oh man, I don’t know.

If you could be an ice cream flavor, what would it be? Why? I don’t know. Vanilla because I’m white and boring.

Name a turning point in your life that makes you smile/cry. The day my niece was born.

If there were a holiday in your honor what would it celebrate? Me, of course.

What clubs were you a member of in High School? Are you still interested in any of the same things? I was in drama for a bit and yearbook.

If you were to be on a reality TV show which one would you be on and why? I’d be on a game show and I’d be on Chain Reaction because I am SO GOOD at that game. OR Idiotest because I’m pretty good at that too.

If you could be anything in the world, what would you be and why? Thinner.

If someone rented a billboard for you, what would you put on it? Um.

If you had to enter a competition for the “Most Uselessly Unique Talent,” what would your talent be? Ability to become super annoyed at survey question in 0.2 seconds.

If you were a Smurf, what would your name be? I’d imagine it would be like Hannah Smurf or something?

What is your worst personality characteristic? I get very distracted and then overwhelmed easily.

If you had to be a teacher of something, what would you teach? No.

How would you like to be remembered? Positively.

What is one thing that you constantly think about (other than material things)? My future with Mark. :)

What do you like best about your hometown? Idk, tall buildings n shit.

Something interesting you might not know about me is… I’m done with this survey!

Reframing your goals.

Reframing your goals.

Plenty of people will tell you some basic information about setting goals. You know the “pieces of flare” type of HR tinker toy that was sent to your department to chat with you about whatever whatever. These people will tell you that you need to:

-Be realistic

-Be specific

-Write them down

-Look yourself in the mirror and repeat your goal over and over again

-Journal (I sincerely hope that you read that in a very snotty teenager know-it-all voice, because that’s how I meant it to be read. Go ahead, re-read….we’ll wait.

Yeah so anyway, that’s all really great advice, but it’s also available at any Barnes & Noble filed under: Basic Knowledge I Learned From a Pyramid Scheme: For Dummies. Ummm, anyone who has ever struggled with the concept of acceptance is familiar with the pains of unrealistic expectations. Say what you want. Yeah ok I want a million dollars. I’ll write that down and journal about my struggles to grow; I’ll never be blah blah blah. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, please stay tuned.

If you haven’t figured out by now, I need a lil more umph that the average person when it comes to self-help. Give me an athletic challenge that plays into my fear of heights and I’m game all day. Personal growth…yeah not so much. Usually I grow personally when I am throwing an adult tantrum in public over nothing and I just now noticed that people are staring. It’s very similar to the feeling of touching the Christmas ornaments after mom yelled at you not to and oooooo she caught you! I think the moment can also be described as “touching the hot stove.” You know it’s hot, you know it’s gonna hurt, but you HAVE to touch it again just to be sure.

Even after thirty five years circling the sun, you would think that I would learn my lessons by now, but where’s the fun in that?! With that said, here is what has worked for me (I think this advice can work for pretty much any goal, but you can always be that person and prove me wrong).

I find the following goal setting techniques to be effective:

1. Say what you want however it comes out. Just write and determine one thing for now.

Example: I want to lose weight.

2. Figure out why this thing is so important to you:

Are you changing because you want to? Is someone making you feel like you need to do this? Do you think you will get “something you want” if you do this thing? Would getting this thing make you happy? This is the part you get to decide if your WHY is worth it. I hope that your WHY doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else but your own happiness. The answers to some of these questions may lead you to a therapist. No joke, and also that is perfectly fine. No one has to know. No one has to know anything if you don’t want them to. You can make this part of your personal growth yours, so no one can get their grubby little hands on it. You can be happy if you let yourself. Some of the things that are important to us need a little fine tuning. Trust that you don’t want your goals to be developed on unresolved issues. You can do both this and see a therapist. But seriously, I’m not a medical professional and mental health professionals need to be consulted from time to time. There is nothing wrong with this.

Reframe your why.

Example: I want to lose weight because I don’t like feeling unattractive in public.

-So, once you have a solid WHY, that you’re comfortable with, reframe it again but aim at a little more refined. This is where you might need help. This is a point that most people don’t try because they don’t understand how important it is. This is the time we reframe the goal into a little more manageable of a task.

Example: I want to lose weight because being overweight contributes to my social anxiety.

I chose to reframe this and relate it to a bigger issue I have. It puts my problems in perspective. It forces me to see how I contribute to my social anxiety and one way is by being an unhealthy BMI. This statement takes my self-esteem right out of my goal, because tying your self-esteem to a goal is the worst thing you can do for yourself. This would sound like: I’ll think of myself as hot when I get to a size 4. Yeah, no. That completely misses the point. Don’t do that. If weight isn’t your thing, try something like this: I want to stop arguing with my mom because it is emotionally exhausting. I want to stop texting at work because it distracts me from getting raises.

-Now let’s get to the thing you want. Do you really think that you know what your body is going to look like after you lose weight? Are you banking on the fact that “when I was 15, I was a 10?” Do you really want to stop arguing with mom or do you want mom to do what you want her to do? Do you want to stop texting or do you want to stop obsessing about things that cause you to text all day?

With some of that information, you can reframe your goal a bit to get to the root of the problem. Choose a positive action that you can commit to. Make it kind, especially to yourself:

Example: I want to drink water at 3 of my meals this week so I can find relief from my social anxiety.

I want to stop policing mom 3 times this week so I can keep my emotions in check.

I want to stop gossiping with my roommate for 3 days this week so I can focus on my career.

Now I get that this goal is completely different than any you may have seen before. I understand how weird it can look, but if you have trouble, I can help you. Also, guess what…it’s specific (drink water, policing mom, gossiping), it has the ability to be tracked (3 times this week), and it reminds you of the positive reward you get for not doing the action and it’s done in a kind manner. It reminds you that if you take care of yourself with simple actions 3 times per week, you can tackle bigger problems piece by piece. Eventually you can replace the number to 5, 7, etc. You can also play around with the action (e.g. eating a salad, having 3 carb free meals, giving mom private time, taking a walk when I feel frustrated, etc). You can play around a lot with that type of thinking. Get creative because the old way of doing things worked for the ancients, but we’re a bit more advanced. Our brains need to be tricked in a more strategic way.

3. Create a question for yourself out of that goal.

Example: Why do I choose the option that contributes to my social anxiety?

Why do I want to control mom?

Why do I tell stories that aren’t mine?

Be gentle when you write this please. This part can easily turn into “why am I so dumb?” Don’t do that either. Ask yourself in an inquisitive way. Ask in a way that a small child asks why we’re crying. Gentle, sweet, innocent, ask softly.

4. Create a Mantra. It’s basically the question as a statement.

Example: Choose the option that doesn’t contribute to my social anxiety.

Allow mom to make her own mistakes.

Don’t tell stories that aren’t yours.

5. Use those 3 things and reflect on them often. Ask yourself your question often. Talk with a close friend about your findings. If you’re my friend, you will often have me call you up to go, “Oh my God girl, I ate a salad with hate. I was running late from work because of course I had to chat up Michael in accounting. The croutons were flying, the kale cut my lip and I was mad I had to do it, but I did it.” Laugh at yourself with what you find. Journal. <—You better have read that right this time!

Guys, this is only the beginning. This one was long because it was foundational to our growth together. I hope you laughed a bit. If you’re new to my writing, welcome. It’s a real hoot around here and I’m pretty blunt. I believe that’s why I’m effective. I will hold you accountable and tell you the truth. I wish someone had done that for me when I needed it. I had to figure it out on my own, in my own time and it was painful. It doesn’t have to be that way for you. Let me know if you’re interested in private sessions. You never know what you can achieve until you give yourself permission to investigate.