#being addicted 2 weed makes me feel so stupid like its the least addictive out of all common rec drugs besides psychs maybe AND YET.
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Him and I (Steddie X You)
Prequel to Without Me / Part 2: You Should Be Sad Here
A/N: ENTER WITH CAUTION! Like my previous chapters THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL! Its angsty and dealing with dark themes of addiction. I WILL STILL LOVE YOU IF YOU CHOOSE TO SKIP THIS STORY!
Warnings: Toxic Steddie X Fem Reader, SMUT, I wanted to show the two parts of them and how the treated her before and after they started getting worse with their vices. The first half involves loss of virginity for the reader, dirty talk, kinda rough but more passionate I would say, The second half is definitely rougher, more dirty talk, degrading (whore, slut, etc), spanking, choking, Y/N is a willing participant in both instances!
Some FLUFF, they really do love her and vice versa but unfortunately they love their addictions more.
ANGST: DARK THEMES OF ADDICTION! Steve is an alcoholic and Eddie is a drug addict. Reader mentions more in Without Me how she's addicted to them and I feel like that's explored a bit more here. She gets on them a lot about their vices and every time they are dismissive. There are mentions of their childhoods and we do get an interaction with asshole older Harrington here (he belittles Steve and smacks him).
The accident from Without Me is here but with some details. Its more about Eddie and Steve's interaction before they ran and left her. We also get a glimpse of her in the hospital waiting for them.
Again NOT A WARM FUZZY STORY! I won't blame you if you choose to skip it <3
Word Count: 7874
1982
“That was…the grossest fucking thing you two evil people have ever shown me.”, Steve shudders as the three of you exit the theater.
You and Eddie cackle as you follow behind him out the front door.
“Oh, don’t be a fraidy cat, Harrington. It wasn’t even scary.”, the metalhead teases.
“I thought it was creepy. What would you do if I started to transform into some evil screeching alien?”
“I would still think you’re beautiful, honey.”
“Aw, Steve Harrington, you’re so sweetheart.”, you joke as you stick out your tongue.
Tonight was a much needed reprieve from all the chaos you and your two best friends had been dealing with. Junior year at Hawkins high was shaping up to be an exhausting one. Steve’s dad was on him much more and with more vigor than he had before reminding the younger Harrington that his future was looming just off in the distance.
“Steven! It’s time to buckle down and really focus. No more playing around, son. You need to focus on bringing up those grades and being a better athlete so you can get into a good college. I don’t hire losers at my firm!”
The older Eddie got the worse the town and student body seemed to be with him.
“What’s wrong, freak?! To busy focusing on your satanic shit? Get lost and take off that fucking Dio vest! You look fucking stupid.”
He did everything he could to focus on other things but idiots like Jason Carver and the other jocks were always around to make his life hell.
That’s probably why they both seemed to “let loose” more than usual or at least that’s how they described it to you the first time you noticed them excessively drinking and doing drugs.
“It just takes the edge off you know?”
“Is it? Steve, you have a flask now that you carry with you. Why would you need to do that?”
“It’s not a big deal, Y/N. It’s not like I have a real problem or anything.”
“Yeah, it’s just to relax. Here, sweetheart, you look like you need to chill out for a bit.”, Eddie adds as he offers you some of the white powder from the bag you noticed on his dresser.
“Um, no thank you. I think I’m ok weed.”, you giggle trying to laugh off the worries that bubble in your stomach.
You had started worrying about them more and more since this past summer. When you guys started high school, you noticed a change in them that wasn’t just normal adolescences. Steve’s words started to slur more throughout the day and whenever you three would spend time together his breath would smell so strong like a bar that you’d have to take a few steps away from him so you wouldn’t cringe every time he opened his mouth.
Eddie’s personality would shift at random points. In the mornings he would seem like the metalhead you befriended and then by lunch his behavior would be so erratic that it would frighten you sometimes. By the final bell, you would notice him staring off into the wall or even find him passed out in the back of the library.
Your mind always explained it away with different excuses almost as quickly as the ones they gave you when you asked questions.
“Hey, do you guys want to come over? My parents are out of town this weekend.”
“Sure. Sounds like fun.”, you beam up at him.
***
You woke up that following morning on Steve’s bedroom floor with Eddie beside you and the other boy passed out leaning against the wall with his long legs stretched out towards you both. Quietly, you got up to use the bathroom, checking your reflection in the mirror before you ventured downstairs to grab some breakfast.
Your eyes scanned the photos along the stairs, sympathy washing over you as you noticed Steve’s uncomfortable demeanor in all of them. His house always had a sad air surrounding it. It never felt exactly lived in and when his parents were home, neither seemed happy. Both he and the metalhead spent a lot of time at your place which you didn’t mind. You loved their company and you wanted them to feel safe.
Your parents always treated them like family and that’s how you saw them as well. You knew what both boys had been through and were still going through. Anything you could do to make things easier for them, you did with little to no question.
After opening his pantry, something immediately caught your eye. Within the trashcan were a ton of empty liquor bottles. Not just single beer containers but bottles of whiskey that should last a long time in a house with one occupant, emptied and discarded.
“Hey Y/N. What are you doing up?”, Steve groggily asked as he entered the kitchen.
“Steve Harrington, what is this?”, you inquire back showing him the contents within the trash.
The man’s eyes widen and it takes him a moment before he nervously chuckles.
“Uh, my parents had a party last week so—”
“Your parents weren’t home last week. You told me they were on a business trip which is why you spent the night at my house because you didn’t want to be alone.” The two of you stared each other down until you finally continue. “You drank all this by yourself?”
“It’s…it’s not a big deal, honey.”
“DON’T you honey me, Steven!”
“What’s going on?”, Eddie asks after loudly banging down the stairs.
“Did you know he was drinking this much?!”, you shriek as you show him what you found.
“I mean, it could be worse, Y/N.”
“HOW?! How can it be worse?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Rock bands don’t even drink this much!”
“Y/N! Come on. You’re making this into a big deal when it’s not!”
“Fuck you! I’m not going to watch you drink yourself to death. I love you but this is excessive!”
Stomping past them both, you head for the front door but the man hastily cuts you off and blocks you from leaving with his body.
“Y/N, please. Shit… I’m sorry, okay? You’re right. I have been going overboard lately. It’s just everything with my dad and school… I promise this will never happen again.” As your arms fold over your chest, his beautiful eyes scan your angry frame. “You’re the only one that ever cared about me, Y/N; you and Ed of course.”
You sigh as your demeanor softens.
“I DO care about you a lot, Steve. You know you can talk to me about anything and I’ll be there for you no matter what. You both don’t have to numb yourselves the way you do.” Eddie nods as you turn towards him, his head hanging in shame. “I worry about you two so mu—"
As you swivel back towards the other boy, you’re surprised when you are met with his lips on yours. You had never been intimate with them in any fashion up until this point, always seeing them as your best friends. You’d be lying, however, if you didn’t say Steve’s lips tasted good.
He pulled away from you for a moment, the two of you panting into each other’s mouths as you process what just happened. Before you could do anything or even respond, a ring covered hand grabbed your arm and yanked you against a bare chest as Eddie’s own lips connected with yours.
You could still hear the other boy’s heavy breaths causing you to groan at the sound. Lifting you onto the end table by the door, the metalhead hastily tugged down your pants and panties while Steve came up beside you to lift off your shirt and toss away your bra.
Eddie’s fingers dug into your thighs as he opened your legs wide and kneeled in front of you, making you whimper when he shoved his face into your cunt.
“Wa-Wait. I’ve—fuck—I’ve never done anything s-sexual before.”
A heavy growl emitted from both men as the long-haired boy sucked and flicked his tongue along your clit while Steve’s lips attached to your neck. Moving his friend out of the way, he lifted you in his arms and carried you to the couch.
You watched with wide, lust blown eyes as Steve pushed his shorts down enough to free his cock, spit in his hand, and stroked it along his length.
“St-Steve, you’re so big. It won’t fit.”
His honey brown eyes met your own and it was almost like for a moment he had forgotten it was your legs he was between. Tenderly, he leaned forward to kiss your lips.
“It will, honey. I promise. I’ll go slow, ok? Unless…do you want me to stop? I just…you are the only one to care about us. I love you so much, Y/N. Let us make it up to you.”
Your gaze momentarily shifted to Eddie who was looking at you with the same gentleness that you saw when you first met him all those years ago. Licking your lips, you kiss him again before shaking your head.
“Just…go slow…and keep talking to me…please.”
Your arms clung to his neck when you felt the head of his cock line up with your entrance. Your breath caught in your throat as he began pushing in and on instinct you tried to push him away from you.
“No, no, baby. You’re ok. E-Eddie, fuck, can you—”
Eddie quickly came up to your side and held you still with his hands as Steve pushed another inch into your hole.
“God fucking damn it, you’re so fucking tight.”
“Are you ok, sweetheart?”, the other boy whispered in your ear.
“Hurts.”
“I know, baby. It’ll feel good soon. I promise.” His lips comforted you as he kissed your cheek and your head arched back as the other boy slide further into your body. Eddie licked his fingers and reached between your bodies to rub slow circles into your bundle of nerves as Steve kept going.
“Fuck, Eddie!”, you screamed causing the boy inside you to grunt when your pussy clenched around him.
“Y-You like that, honey? You like Eddie’s fingers on your clit. Fuck, you’re doing so good, Y/N. I’m almost all the way in.”
“Steve…you’re so big…”
His cock twitched at your words and you groaned as the pain began to slowly dull. When his hips connected with yours, your eyes rolled back as his length grazed against that sensitive spot inside of you, you didn’t even know existed.
Leaning on to his knees, his palms held your calves as he pulled himself almost all the way out before roughly thrusting back in.
“Steve!”
“Fuck, Y/N. Keep shouting my name like that, baby.”
Eddie’s hand petted your head, as the other boy set a steady pace.
“You’re doing so well, pretty girl. You look so beautiful like this. You deserve to feel good to. Does it still hurt?” He smiled when you shook your head. “How does it feel?”
“G-Good.”
“Yeah? Tell him, sweetheart.”
As your eyes scanned over Steve you couldn’t help but marvel at him as you view him through this new filter. Usually, you only saw him as a friend. You never really thought about his gorgeous eyes or perfect lips. The way his broad hairy chest looked so sexy glistening with sweat. You never noticed that one lock of hair that fell just so as his head tilted forward or how low and gravelly his voice was when he was turned on.
“You feel so good, Steve.”
“Oh come on, Y/N. Tell him how you really feel. It’s just us.”
The boy tilted forward, taking one of your nipples in his mouth and you moaned as your fingers tangled in Steve’s hair.
“F-Fuck… your cock feels so fucking good. I-I can feel you in my stomach.”
His lips trailed up your chest to your neck and your eyes fluttered shut as you turned your head to the sound of his voice in your ear.
“I feel good, baby? Fuck, Y/N. I’ve—I’ve never had a pussy that felt this amazing before. You were made for us, honey.”
“Steve, I… I feel… Something’s happening.” Your arms circle tightly around him as he thrusts into harder and faster. “Steve!”
“That’s it, pretty girl. Oh my god. Cum all over my cock!” You screamed his name as an intense, pleasurable feeling you had never felt before washed over you. “Goddamn it.”, he grunted as he quickly pulled himself out of your quivering entrance and you watch with heavy eyes as he stroked his length over you, releasing his seed on your belly.
Lost in a haze of bliss, you barely felt both boys switch places and Eddie flip you over positioning your ass in the air. When his tongue licked a long strip up your folds, however, you gasped as your body shuddered against the couch.
“So sensitive. I like that. Jesus, sweetheart, you taste so sweet. Are you ready for me?” When you don’t answer, his chest presses against your back as his fingers move your hair to the side. “Are you ready for me, Y/N, or did you want to stop? We can stop if you want to, baby girl. We’ll still love you.”
Craning you neck slightly, you able to meet those beautiful chocolate eyes. You had never noticed how intense they were especially when they were full of care like they were now. You never noticed how kissable Eddie’s lips were or how seductive they looked when they pulled back into a smirk. It never occurred to you how much bigger his gorgeous hands actually were compared to yours as he balanced himself so he wouldn’t crush you as he whispered in your ear.
“You both love me?”
Your question threw them both off guard.
“Of course, we do. There’s no one else in the world like you.”
“You helped make us who we are, Y/N.”
Steve’s words hit you like a train. You just found a trashcan full of liquor he had been hiding from you. They were both utilizing drugs and alcohol to a degree that was beginning to become concerning. Maybe…maybe they’d be worse if it wasn’t for you. Maybe you could help them get better and heal so they wouldn’t need to turn to that stuff.
“I love you to. I’m ready, Eddie.”
You both groaned as he ran his mushroom tip between your puffy lips, collecting your slick before he gradually began guiding himself inside of you. Your back arches up, pushing against his chest as he stretches you open. It didn’t hurt as bad as with Steve but Eddie was thick and it still felt like you were being ripped in half.
“G-God, Y/N. Steve was right…how can you still be this tight?”
His arms wrapped around your body as he began pounding into you. In this position, you were feeling all new pleasurable sensations that had your toes curling as he grunted into your ear.
“Do—mmm—do I feel good to, sweetheart?”
“Y-yes.”
“Keep talking to me, Y/N. The way you did with him. Really let go, babe.”
“Your cock…feels so good…Eddie. You’re so…deep.”
Lifting himself onto his knees, he yanked you up with him, the sound of skin slapping echoing through the house.
“K-Keep going.”
“I can’t. Fuck. I’m…”
“Yes, you can. I can feel your pussy squeezing me. Beg me, baby. Beg me to make you cum like he did.” When you didn’t answer him again, he placed his fingers on your clit, moving them so fast as he matched his own rhythm.
“Eddie! Oh my…Please! Make me cum. I want to cum again! Please…”
The metalhead pushed your face down into the sofa as he did what you asked, slamming is cock into you till the coil snapped and you shouted his name as you came. He soon followed, moaning obscenities as he pulled out and came on the meat of your ass.
Unsure of what happens next, you remained frozen in that position as you listened to Eddie’s heavy pants. You were a complete mess, naked, hair frayed, and everyone including your own arousals dripping from your body.
“Whoa! Hey, it’s ok. I’m just picking you up to take you upstairs so we can get you clean.”, Steve explained when he felt you flinch.
You sighed exhaustedly as he lifted you up and you clung your arms around his neck. Eddie ran ahead and as soon as you both entered the bathroom your bath was ready. Sitting there quietly, you starred off into the tile in front of you as they ran a washcloth along your skin.
“Y/N?” The metalhead reached for your chin and gently turned you to face them both. “Are you alright? We didn’t hurt you or anything, right?”
When you shook your head, they exchanged a glance.
“What are you thinking about, honey?”
“Why? Why now? You two have had so many other girls in your life—”
“None like you.”, Steve interrupted. “I wasn’t lying, Y/N. I love you. My dad doesn’t give a fuck about me, my mother is never here, the girls at school just want me because I’m ‘popular’.”, he rolls his eyes. “You’ve never wanted or expected anything out of me. You treat me like I’m not fucking worthless.”
“Because you’re not, Steve.”
“When my mom died, I thought I’d never be happy again. Then I met you guys. Baby, I love you to. Even with Wayne sometimes I feel like I’m burdening him.”
“You’re not, Eddie. He loves you.”
“I know but I get what Steve is saying. We hear all this bullshit enough and it just sinks in you know? But with you…”
“We’ll still be your best friends, Y/N, even if you don’t want us like that.”
“I didn’t say that.”, you smirk as both their gazes shift towards you. “I would like to be wined and dined though.”
“You wanna go out on a date?”
“Yeah. Maybe we can check out that new Star Wars movie and then—”
“We can take you to dinner.”, Eddie beams. “Treat you like a princess.”
############
1983
“Wow, Steven, you suck at this.”, Eddie teases as you giggle from the side while you both watch Steve try to shoot one of the balls on the pool table into the corner pocket.
“Well shit, Edward. Do you wanna wrap your arms around me like you do with Y/N and teach me to be better.”, the pretty boy slurred as his cue missed the ball entirely. “Fuck.”
The metalhead extended out his arms toward him as he began to sing.
“Love lift us up where we belong.”
“Don’t you touch me.”, he laughs as they both flash each other a toothy grin.
“Come on, princess. Show him what I taught you.”
Playfully swaying your hips as you saunter over, your eyes flick to them as you line up your shot. Steve tosses back the liquid in his flask and Eddie lights his fourth cigarette in a row. He’s getting antsy which means soon, he’ll excuse himself to the bathroom where he’ll snort his powder and come back with half lidded, glassy eyes.
You savored small moments like this where you could. Where you three were having fun and they weren’t totally clouded over by their vices. Tonight was a regular date night and you were so happy that they didn’t seem to be in a bad mood. You always knew how ever it wouldn’t take much for that spark to ignite though.
Beaming at them, they clap for you obnoxiously loud as you make your shot.
“That’s our girl!”
“Shut the fuck up, freaks!”, Jason Carver hollers from the corner of the bar.
“Go to hell, Jason!”, you shout.
The jocks cackle at your comment as Andrew’s eyes rake across your body.
“Little girl has a mouth on her. Maybe we can show her how to use it.”
Eddie stomped towards them before you could stop him.
“Say that a little louder, asshole. I don’t think I heard you correctly. That ‘little girl’ is my best friend and you willshow her fucking respect!”
“Go to hell, Munson.”
“HEY! Knock it off or I’ll kick you all out!”, the owner shouted as he glared where you guys were standing.
“Come on, Ed. Let’s get out of here.”, you try and sooth him in a calm voice. “Please.”
Angrily turning away, he barrels out the door as you run after him.
“Eddie, it’s ok.”
He ignores you as he opens his van door, pops open the glove box, and pulls out the little glass vile of his drug. You watch with helpless eyes as he pours some on the edge of his hand near his thumb and snorts the contents.
“That’s not going to help anyone.”, you growl.
“Yeah, well, no one fucking asked you. Let me ask you something. Why did you want me to stop? Huh? Do you want to fuck Jason and his stupid friends?”
“Have you lost your fucking mind? Of course, I don’t.”
“Pfft, please. Little whore like you can’t help herself.”
“Fuck you, Eddie.”
As you turn and try to walk away, he grabs your arm and tries to keep you from leaving.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”
“I’d rather walk than deal with this bullshit.”
“Guys…”, Steve slurs as he appears beside you. “Can we do this later? I’m fucking exhausted.”
***
Driving his van for them, you all went back to Steve’s house and let them talk you into staying over. Around two in the morning, yelling startled you awake causing you to panic when you realized Steve wasn’t beside you.
“Eddie.”, you murmured forcefully as you shook him. “Eddie!”
“Jesus H Christ, WHAT?!”
“Something is happening downstairs. I think Steve needs our help.”
“He’ll be fine. Just shut the fuck up and go back to bed.”, he grumbled as he rolled over.
Ignoring him completely, you quietly tiptoed out of the bedroom and leaned against the railing as you listened to Mr. Harrington screaming at his son.
“This is a $500 dollar bottle of bourbon, Steven! I save it for important clients not my idiot kid and his friends.”
“For the thousandth time, I didn’t drink it!”
“Oh, so all of my alcohol just disappears then. Even though you, the freak, and that whore are here a majority of the time alone.”
“Don’t call her that.”, Steve grunted through gritted teeth.
His dad stepped forward and smacked him hard across the face.
“Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice.”
Running down the stairs, you put yourself between them.
“Leave him alone! He’s not drinking what’s yours.”
“Everything in this house fucking is mine, little girl. I paid for it with my hard-earned money. What the fuck has he done? Nothing and that’s all he will ever be. The sooner you figure that out the better.” Mr. Harrington raises his finger and points to his son. “You owe me $500 dollars or I swear to God, Steven.”
With that his dad furiously left the house, slamming the front door for emphasis. Quickly facing him, you cup his cheeks in your hands, and check him over.
“Are you alright, baby?”
“Why the fuck did you do that, Y/N?”, he asks in a sharp tone. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Marching towards the kitchen, he opens cabinets till he finally finds a bottle of whiskey that actually still has some liquid within it. You glared at him as he knocked it back, panting when he finally removed his lips from the glass.
“You both promised me you would slow down on stuff like this.”
“Yeah, well, we don’t answer to you, honey. If you don’t like it, you can fucking leave.”
“Maybe, Andrew is still at The Hideout. He can give you a bed for the night.”, Eddie sneered as he rounded the corner and leaned in the doorway.
“Fuck you both. I’m fucking done.”, you spat. “You want me to leave? You got it.”
You headed towards his room, throwing off his clothes so you can put on your own and head home. You knew better. You knew you should have just left but part of you was hoping they’d beg you to stay, groveling at your feet as they told you they loved you. You wanted them to fight for you…show you that they needed you as much as you felt like you needed them.
And they would…in their own inebriated way…
“Why the fuck are you still here?! I thought you were leaving?!”, Eddie shouted when he found you. Grabbing your pants from the floor, he threw them down to the first floor with your shoes and socks. “Get a move on, baby!”
Ignoring him, you banged your feet loudly down the stairs but as you bent down to grab your jeans, Steve came up behind you and captured your wrist turning you to face him.
“You made things worse by butting in.”
“No, Steve, you make things worse by continuing to drink. Why?! Why do you two do this?”
The man rolls his eyes as he takes a swig from the bottle in his hand.
“Please. Like you fucking care. You’re going to break our hearts just like they did. May as well just leave now, honey, and leave us in peace to destroy ourselves. It’s what Eddie and I are good at, right bud?”
Eddie’s only response was a deep inhale that you knew was his him snorting his blow.
Shaking your head, you turn to leave but he doesn’t release you from his hold.
“I thought you said I could leave, Steve. That’s what you want right? To fulfill your own prophesy of me abandoning you.” You try to yank your arm back but he just tugs you close to his chest, glaring down at you with angry eyes. “It’s not like I’ve been by your sides and both your best friend since we were little kids.”
Sarcastically, you laugh knowing what you say next will rile him up but you don’t care. In this moment, you were in so much pain after the way they spoke to you. You were fully prepared to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“Your dad was right. You are nothing.”
In one swift motion, he released your wrist and took hold of your hair, leading you to the couch where he bent you over the arm.
“I’m nothing, huh? HUH?!”, Steve shouted near your ear as he leaned over your back. “Say it again, little girl! Come on. Let me hear it!”
“You’re nothing, Steve Harrington! I thought you wanted me to fucking leave! I’m going to abandon you anyway, RIGHT?!”
His palm came down hard on your behind, making you yelp before he moved the cotton blocking your core and abruptly pushed two of his long, thick fingers into your sex.
“You’re not going fucking anywhere tonight, babe. Not until we’re done with you.” You groan as he curls his fingers inside you and spanks you again. “You always talk back but you’re still so fucking wet for us, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?!”, he yells as he hits you again.
“YES!”
“Fuck, just listen to that pussy, Munson.” The sound of your slick fills the room as he thrusts his fingers at a faster pace. “Fucking whore is always ready.”
“Probably why she can’t help but eye fuck this entire town.”, Eddie condescends as he comes around to sit on the couch in front of you.
“Please…”, you moan as the coil tightens in your stomach.
“Please.”, he mocks making you growl before his fingers roughly pinch your cheeks. “Control the fucking attitude, Y/N. Since we’re nothing and we do nothing for you, might as well use you one last time and I’ll be damned if you’re going to look at me like that.”
Steve spanks you again causing you to whimper as your pussy clenches around his fingers and you cum hard around them. After literally ripping off your panties and Eddie tugging off your shirt, the other boy loops his arm around your waist, carrying you around the front of the sofa, and tossing you on it. You wince as you fall a little harder than you should of making both boys freeze. They don’t genuinely want to hurt you; they never have. You know what they’re doing right now is an outlet especially for Steve after what happened with his dad. They needed to feel in control and so did you. You desperately needed to feel like you could reign them in and keep their vices in check so it didn’t get worse.
If they needed to use you so they didn’t use themselves, so be it.
Your eyes flick between theirs before a slow, cool laugh leaves your lips.
“Oh, come on, boys. Don’t pretend like you fucking care now. I’m a whore right, Ed? Steve? Come on, baby.” You coo in a sarcastic tone as you push up on your knees and wrap your arms around the man’s neck. “Prove to me you’re not nothing. Show me what a real Harrington man is.”
With newfound motivation, he manhandled you till you were on your hands and knees facing Eddie’s lap. You mewled, biting your lip at the feeling of Steve’s spit hitting your cunt before he pushed down his shorts enough to free his cock and roughly thrust it into your entrance.
Ringed fingers tangled in your hair, tugging you back till you were looking at the metalhead’s angry face.
“You’re going to suck my cock, little girl, and you’re going to take all of it. No whining or complaining. Sluts do what they’re told.”
You nodded with heavy eyes as the man behind you abused that sensitive spot inside you over and over till your toes were curling. Shimming out of his boxers without letting you go; his dick sprang free and you wasted no time taking him into your mouth.
Eddie groaned as you did what you were told, his tip hitting the back of your throat as you drooled around him. Every time you moaned at Steve’s thrusts, his fingers gripped you tighter as his eyes fluttered shut.
“Fuck, baby, that’s it. At least that bratty mouth is good for something. Shit.”
Looping his arm around you, Steve’s hand reached between your legs and began rubbing fast circles into your clit that had you screaming around Eddie as you pushed back against his hand.
“Fuck, Steve!”
“Yeah. That’s the fucking spot. I know. No one knows you better than us, little girl. Cum. Cum hard on my cock, Y/N!”, he demands as he spanks you with his other palm.
As the ball drops, you moan his name as your pussy quivers around him.
“Fuck. That’s it. Good girl. Good fucking girl.”, Steve grunts as he pounds into you chasing his high.
Clinging to your hair, Eddie holds you still as he thrusts up into your mouth and fucks your face as you gag.
“There you go, you little whore. Choke on my dick.”
Steve’s rhythm falters and he grunts as he releases his spend roughly into your cunt. As he fills you up, the metalhead pushes you lower onto his lap and growls loudly as your throat constricts around him. They both pull out of you at the same time and Eddie forcefully tugs you onto his lap facing him.
Your jaw falls open as he grips your waist and brings your down onto his cock, your hands clinging to his shoulders as he guides your movements.
“Harder, Y/N! Fucking make me believe that you fucking care!”
As you wrap your arms around him for leverage, you bounce faster and harder on his lap, throwing your head back as you moan loudly.
“E-Eddie, please!”
“Fuck.”, he grunts, lifting you into the air without pulling out, sitting you on the sofa while his palm grips the back as he takes over thrusting into you. “God, you feel so fucking good. You’re ours, little girl. This pussy belongs to us.”
When all you do is mewl and nod, his fingers take hold of your jaw, and force you to meet his intense gaze.
“Say it, Y/N. So we know you fucking understand.”
“I-I…my pussy be-belongs to you. Fuck.”
“Who do you belong to?”
“You two.”
“WHO?!”, he snarls as he rolls his hips hard.
“EDDIE AND STEVE! Fuck, I’m gonna—”
The metalhead’s ringed fingers grab your throat and you whimper as you cum again. Eddie’s grip tightens and you feel your air slightly cut off. Right as your panicked eyes find Steve’s, the other boy paints your walls as he fucks it deep into your core.
Steve reaches over and tugs at his friend’s wrist, signaling for him to release you which he does. His chocolate eyes scan you over with worry, when he hears you cough as you catch your breath.
“I…I…shit. Y/N, are you…okay?”
When you don’t answer, they swiftly kick into action as Steve lifts you into his arms and carries you to his bathroom where he gets the tub ready. Eddie appears next to you with a bottle of water but as he offers it to you, you turn away.
“Sweetheart, you have to drink something.”
“Like either of you care.”
“Honey, of course we care.”
“DON’T! Don’t you honey and sweetheart me! I’m a whore who wants to fuck the entire town, right?! I’m butting into your business and making things worse, right?! I don’t love you and you don’t care if I leave, RIGHT?!” Pushing Steve away, you wince as you lower yourself in the warm water and bring your knees to your chin. “What do I have to do to prove to you that I only want you two? That I’m not going anywhere? Why does it have to be this way?”
They hang their heads as they silently clean you and you allow it. After drying you off and finding you a new pair of clothes to wear, you continue to ignore them as you climb into Steve’s bed and close your eyes. Both boys do the same, placing themselves on either side of you as Eddie presses himself against your back looping his arm around you and pulling you to him while Steve tenderly caressed your face.
“We’re sorry, baby.”, he whispers. “You deserve so much more than this. We’re fucking assholes.”
Steve watched your bottom lip quiver as Eddie held you tighter to his chest and he pressed his face into your shoulder as he began to quietly cry.
“I’m sorry, princess. I didn’t mean to grab you so hard. I love you. You’re not a whore. You’re our perfect angel. We can be better, Y/N.”
###########
“Hey, Y/N. Are you alright? You look tired.”
“Oh, thanks Glen. You know I’m trying this new routine—”
“Ok, ok, I get it. That was a little rude.”, he laughs. “You know, you always look beautiful.”
You softly smile as you turn towards your locker. These were the moments you wish you could tell people that you, Eddie, and Steve were more than best friends. Glen was a nice guy but you were in love with someone else. You knew it bothered them (especially Eddie) when men hit on you and it equally upset you when girls would do the same with them.
They knew better though just like you. You knew when Steve stumbled into a room with a girl on his heels they were probably just talking. Whenever he would call you over at 2am sobbing about something you couldn’t understand under his slurred words, you were positive that the perfume you were smelling was most likely yours from days ago when you spent the night.
They made sure you never had to worry about things like that…
As you opened your locker a note tumbled into your hand.
“Hey pretty girl,
We just wanted to say we love you so much and miss you.
Can’t wait to see you later tonight.
You deserve the world, angel.
-Steve X Eddie”
“Are you, um, going to the party tonight?”
“Yeah.”, you answer him as you hold the note to your chest. “Steve is probably going to pick me and Eddie up.”
“Oh. Ok…I thought, maybe, you’d want to ride with me.”
“Glen…I…thank you but I’m just not…”
“Hey. No worries.”, he grins. “I’ll still be your friend and think you’re cool.”
***
“Geez, this fucking house is insane. How many people live here?”, Eddie asks as he takes a sip of the “punch” in his cup.
“I think 3 but…”, you laugh as you wonder around with them.
“Pfft. Jamie’s parents and herself makes three people who are never home.” Steve picks up a figurine and shows it to you with confusion before putting it back. “I will never understand why rich people buy these massive houses but are never in them. Our house isn’t that big but it’s just me or the three of us 99% of the time.”
“Ok, got it. When we move in together no big house.”, you giggle causing him to stick out his tongue at you.
“That’s too bad. When I became a rockstar I was going to buy us a HUGE mansion.”, the metalhead muses as he glances up another spiral staircase that was blocked off. After looking around, he tugs down the ribbon, and grabs your hand to guide you up to the next floor.
“Hm, baby. This reminds me of The Shining.”, you whine.
Eddie chuckles as he turns around and wiggles his index finger in front of your face.
“Redrum!”
“Stop!”
Continuing to laugh, he pulls you to his side as you wrap your arms around his waist. You loved these moments; the moments where they seemed like their old selves before things had gotten worse. It gave you hope that you could save them; that you could bring the Eddie and Steve you first met on those swings back to you.
“Hey guys. Come look at this here.”, Steve calls as he opens a random door. “This must be her parent’s room.”
As he stared at the massive sized bed with a canopy, you ventured into the bathroom while Eddie looked around the closet.
“Jesus Christ, this is bigger than our fucking trailer.”, he scoffs as he flashes Steve who followed him in some of the clothes. “If you need a bench in your closet, maybe the closet it too big, yeah?”
The other man took a swig from his flask as his eyes scanned everything around him.
“I don’t think I’ll every be rich enough to give her this.”, he mumbles causing the metalhead to abruptly turn his way.
“Don’t say that, Harrington. Just because your dad is a douchebag doesn’t mean you won’t own a company one day. It doesn’t have to be his.”
“Pfft, said the rockstar.”
“Ha! Yeah. That’s if I can get my fingers to do what I want them to do.”, Eddie sighs as he begins digging his is pockets, finding his little vile. “Or my brain for that matter.”
“Maybe…maybe we really should slow down, ya know?”, Steve whispers.
“It’s not that serious, Steven.”
“You almost choked her out.”
“And you fuck other cheerleaders. Do you really want to play that game right now?”, Eddie hisses.
“Shhh! I don’t…I don’t mean to. We go somewhere and then I wake up the next morning…”
“Yeah, tell her that.”
“I love her.”, Steve growls. “I don’t want to hurt her.”
“Well, I love her to.”, he sighs before patting his friend’s shoulder. “Everything’s fine, man. Trust me.”
The sound of you jumping onto the bed brings them back into reality as they exit the closet and find you sprawled out with a wide smile on your face. Crawling in beside you, the three of you lay there in comfortable silence as you listen to them breathe.
“I love you both…for who you are…I hope you know that.” You feel their eyes shift towards you as you continue. “No matter what. It’s always been just us and I’m always going to be here for you. I don’t care if we have a house like this or… a tiny trailer.”
“We’re not going to let you live your life in a tiny trailer, sweetheart. I don’t care what I have to do but that’s never going to be your reality.”
“Whatever WE have to do.”, Steve clarified. “We’re always going to be there for you, honey. You put up with a lot when it comes to us. Soon it will all be worth it.”
“Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t we ditch this party, go back to my place, and watch some spooky movies that will make Harrington pee his pants?”
Nodding, you giggle as Steve rolls his eyes. After running down the stairs, a face you recognized abruptly stopped you to say hello.
“Hi Glen. I’m actually about to leave!”
“Really? I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” His nervous eyes scan Steve’s stumbling frame as Eddie bounces on his heels waiting for you. “You’re leaving with them?”
“Yeah of course. We’re going to go hang out at Eddie’s trailer.”
“You’re driving right? Or, maybe, even I can.”
“Oh, um…” Your own gaze shifts towards them, taking note at the longer you take the more annoyed their eyes seem to become. “His place isn’t that fair. It’s not a big deal. I appreciate the thought though.”, you smile as you give him a quick hug.
Before you can turn away, Glen holds you in his grasp.
“Don’t go with them, Y/N. Please.”
Holding your smile, you pull away and nod your head, slightly assuring him that everything would be alright.
“What did he want?”
“Just to say hello. We have a couple of classes together and we help each other sometimes.” As you three search for Steve’s BMW, you anxiously watch him fumble with his keys. “Stevie, baby, maybe you should let me drive.”
“Pfft, I can drive, honey. I’m barely even drunk.”
Eddie’s arms wrap around you from behind as he tenderly kisses the nook between your neck and shoulder. “Come on, princess. You can sit in the back with me.”
***
Steve frustratingly tries to yank at the car door but it won’t budge.
“Steve…”, Eddie calls to his friend as the sirens begin to wail in the distance.
“I can’t…the door…” Desperately, he falls to his knees and tries to reach for your hand through the shattered window as you dangled upside down from where you were still buckled in. “I can’t reach her…Y/N…w-wake up.”
“S-S-Steve.” The sound of sirens got louder as the metalhead panicked going into sensory overload. The sirens, Steve grunting as he tried different ways to get to you, the smell of metal and blood. “STEVEN! We need to go. NOW!”
“Eddie, we can’t just leave her here!”
The long-haired boy tugged at his friend’s sweater, dragging him to his feet.
“Yeah? And you’ll never see her again if you get arrested for drunk driving and me for possession. She’ll be fine. They’re almost here. They can get her out!”
Steve had his own internal battle pausing only for a second when he heard the sound of you groan.
“I-I-I…FUCK!”
Both boys run and disappear just as Hopper’s police car skids onto the scene.
***
“Hey, Y/N. This feels like a stupid question but how are you feeling?”, the police chief asks as he takes a seat beside your hospital bed. It had been almost two weeks since the accident and people could barely get anything out of you.
Your parents had been by your side the entire time, holding your hand, and caressing your hair as you cried through every painful process the doctors put you through. Your mom and Hopper exchange a worried glance as you ignore the question, continuing to stare at the phone by your bed.
“I’m not going to bug you too much but I was hoping to get some more details about what happened. We know you weren’t driving because we found you buckled in the backseat.”
Again, no response.
“We, uh, got a tip that you and some friends left a party at the same time. Eddie Munson and Steve Harrington? The car in the accident is also Mr. Harrington’s.” Your eyes start to tear up and you quickly suffocate the notion by closing your eyes. “Um, Mr. and Mrs. Y/L/N, may I have a moment alone with Y/N?”
After your parent’s leave, Hopper comes to sit on the opposite end of the room directly in front of you, his gaze soft as he scans you over.
“Y/N, you’re not in trouble. I know you didn’t cause this. I also know that you’re very loyal to your friends but, honey, you’re not helping either of them if they don’t face the consequences for what they do.” Your eyes open finally meeting his and he doesn’t faulter as he continues. “No one is in trouble here. I just want to help them and you. I also want to make sure no one else gets hurt.”
Shifting you gaze towards the phone again, a montage of everything they had been through ran through your mind. Eddie had lost his mom and his dad was abusive before going in. After moving in with Wayne, things got better at home but not at school or in Hawkins. People bullied him relentlessly making him feel like he was a freak who would never be anything but.
Steve had basically raised himself being alone most of his childhood. His asshole father and absent mother were always away on business or even pleasure leaving him behind. When they were home, his dad said terrible things to him and broke him down constantly telling him he was worthless. While the boy was popular school, adults constantly seemed to underestimate him adding to his insecurity.
They didn’t need prison, they needed you. It was just you and them against the world. Yeah, they hadn’t called yet but they would. They would give you a rational reason for leaving you behind and comfort you, telling you everything would be ok. Then things could go back to how they used to be or even better. Maybe this accident would wake them up to the damage their vices can do…
“I don’t remember who was driving. I just remember something darting into the road and then waking up here.”, you whisper.
The police chief sighs as he nods. He can’t force you to say what you need to say. If that’s the story you want to stick with, he’ll write his report and give it to the insurance companies.
“I see. Ok, Y/N. Thank you for your candor and I hope…I hope you feel better. I’m always here if you need to talk.”
Softly smiling, you turn your attention back to the phone as you continue to wait.
They’ll call or come by. They love me. We need each other… I know it.
#############
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Diego’s First Kiss(es)
Summary: Diego was 14 when he first kissed a girl. Diego was 20 when he first kissed a guy.
Or Diego's Bisexual Awakening
Notes: Hi this is my first ever story, so any constructive criticism, please let me know. This story was not beta'd so if you notice any mistakes, let me know and i'll fix it. I just wanted to give Diego some love and he's my bisexual king.
2003
Diego was 14 when he first kissed a girl. The night started out the way it usually does, with Klaus sneaking out because he can’t take another minute in the Academy. With Klaus sneaking out, Ben decides he has to go with Klaus because Ben knows Klaus is reckless and he feels it is his personal responsibility to make sure Klaus gets home safely. Diego, as the second oldest and protective of his two brothers, feels as though it is his responsibility to make sure that Ben gets home safe too, so at 11pm, they all sneak out.
They end up at the park, where a small party seems to be taking place. It’s just a bunch of other 14 year olds, smoking weed, drinking and making out, hanging off the various playground equipment and throwing red solo cups around, while a stereo is playing the radio in the background. Klaus fits right in, always ready for a good time, a moment to quiet the spirits. He’s already dancing, swinging a bottle of what looks like Jack Daniels and he took a hit off a blunt before he even started drinking. He’s the life of the party and everyone already loves him; they never even question where he came from.
Diego and Ben don’t fit in quite as easily.
They aren’t really sure how to mesh with this new crowd of people and honestly Diego is afraid to speak, because he doesn’t want to stutter and embarrass himself. So instead he chooses to migrate to a swingset a little off to the left, deciding to really just observe, mainly for danger but also because he doesn’t know how a party really happens. He sips on the solo cup and pulls a face at the taste of its contents but says nothing. His intense focus on watching Klaus and Ben’s figures is interrupted by a girl sitting in the swing next to his.
He’ll swear she didn’t startle him but truthfully? She did.
Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. In the dim lights from the park, it looked like it was black and her eyes are truthfully what really pulled him. It was two of the bluest eyes Diego had ever seen and they had flecks of brown throughout too. He doesn’t even realize he’s staring until she starts waving her hand in his face.
“Huh?” Diego blurts out, realizing she said something
“I said these stupid parties suck. And then you looked like I started doing Umbrella kids tricks.” She snorts, taking a sip of her drink. And for the first time Diego is reminded that this is kind of awesome, he’s not Number 2 of the Umbrella Academy, he’s just Diego.
He takes a deep breath and nods, choosing the strong silent route, at least until he can get his thoughts under control. And with his thoughts under control, his words would come out clearer, that’s what Mom always told him.
“Quiet type? Me too usually.” She offers up, kicking her legs a bit in front of her. “I’m Zoey.”
“Diego.” He responds. His name was the first word he worked on with Mom. If nothing else, he was determined to say that without his stutter.
“Nice to meet you, Diego.” She tosses him a lopsided smile and Diego realizes he’s started holding his breath, and that his heart is beating abnormally fast. He’s never been this close to a girl who wasn’t his sister. She’s pretty.
“Where do you go to school?” She inquires, cocking her head to the side.
He takes a deep breath, visualizes the words in his head but it still comes out as “Pri-Private Sch-School”. He drops his head in shame. He feels like a fucking idiot. He’s too old to be tripping over his words like this.
But Zoey just nods, acts like she didn’t hear the stuttering. “Cool. I go to public but I skip all the time. School feels like a waste, all they do is teach you to be the same as the person next to you.” She looks off thoughtfully. And Diego just nods again. Before he realizes it, they’ve been sitting in each other’s silence for 10 minutes, just swinging back and forth. And it’s nice.
She startles him again, when she grabs at his hand. He blinks at her owlishy and she just looks at him, waiting. He realizes she’s waiting for him to show his consent. And he has butterflies in his stomach, so he squeezes her hand and smiles back at her.
It’s another 10 minutes of comfortable silence, just feeling Zoey’s hand in his own, when she stops swinging.
“You should kiss me.” She states boldly, but Diego can feel the tremor in her hand too. He’s holding his breath and his heart is beating impossibly fast and Diego realizes he’s about to kiss a girl.
He gulps, nods and starts leaning over. Before he makes it in for the kiss, he closes his eyes, too nervous to look at her now. And then their lips touch. It’s gentle, a soft brush of the lips and for the first time, Diego can smell her hair and whatever perfume she’s wearing. It smells like cupcakes. He feels like he might be falling in love.
She pulls back and smiles shyly. And Diego feels his cheeks start to pink. He just kissed a girl. A girl wanted to kiss him and did.
Before he can enjoy the moment more, he hears Klaus and Ben shouting his name as they sprint towards him. The panic in his brother’s faces, makes him bolt upright, breaking his handlock with Zoey. He feels himself slipping into Number 2 mode, his hand moving to the knives tucked on his side, ready to eliminate whatever threat coming for his brothers.
“Gotta go! Gotta go now!” and “Someone called the police!” are being said overtop of one another and for the first time, Diego notices the quick movements of the other teenagers as they begin to scatter to all directions of the park. Diego hears the distinct whop whop of a cop car siren as the flashing red and blue lights come into view.
By now, Zoey’s jumped up too and poured their cups out in the grass. Klaus and Ben start pulling him away and he never gets to say anything to Zoey, as he pulled off. He waves dumbly and she whisper-yells a quick “Bye Diego!” and then it’s back to the Academy.
That night Diego smiles as he lays in bed, touching his own lips and replaying their moment over and over. Zoey
2009
Diego was starting to notice that something was...off about himself.
At this point in his life, he tells people he’s had a long list of hookups. It’s easier than admitting he’s really only had one and it lasted all of a week before Diego began to fear the intimacy he was craving. That was a year after Ben died and it was easier to explain to the woman that he didn’t want to date anymore than to explain why in a week's time, he’d be uncontrollably sobbing for at least a week, as the one-year anniversary approached.
He, Klaus and Ben had always been closest, and now it was just him. He hadn’t heard from Klaus in months and at this point, each time he saw him hurt more than the last. His little brother was addicted to all kinds of drugs, and had done all sorts of illicit things to get those drugs. Klaus couldn’t go one day without a substance, be it alcohol or drugs, but it was always a party for him. Diego wanted to help him and a couple times Klaus had agreed to be helped, and when Diego woke up the next morning, he was nowhere to be found. The first few times, Diego had gotten up and scoured the city for him, checking alleyways, known drug hideouts, hospitals, everywhere. After the fifth time Klaus had done this, Diego didn’t see the point, he wouldn’t find him anyway. He just hoped each time, his brother was still alive.
But in the meantime, Diego kept to himself for the most part, save for when he decided to fight for the people of New York, since the police let more than their fair share of crime fall through the cracks. In the last couple months, he got Al from the boxing gym to agree to let him move into the boiler room. Partially, Diego thinks it's just as thanks from when Diego stopped some muggers from getting him after he was locking up. Either way, Diego was grateful for the space to himself.
Diego liked his boiler room. It was all his. In the depths of the boxing gym, he could make noise (he didn’t), have as many people over as he wanted (he didn’t) and do whatever he wanted with the space (he was a simple man, with simple tastes).
And then one morning there was this guy in the gym. Guys being in the gym wasn’t unusual, but this guy was different, because Diego thinks he may be attracted to him. He’s tall, taller than Diego, broad shouldered, tattoos covering his chest. He was all hard muscle and he was beating the hell out of the punching bag in front of him. He had dark skin, a short cut hairstyle and the deepest brown eyes that Diego had ever seen. His focus as he trained made Diego swallow thickly, before he shook his head to stop from starring. He made a beeline for the door, and hoped that this guy was just practicing here as a one off.
He wasn’t.
His name was Lance, it turns out. Al told him that while helping reposition the punching bags after closing. He was new in town, making a name for himself in the mid-level boxing circuit and could be looking to go pro. He was young, just 21 and found Al’s because he lives around the corner. Diego didn’t respond to this information verbally, choosing to purse his lips instead and nod.
Later that night, Diego wondered if finding Lance attractive was a fluke. He hoped so.
The next morning, Diego came upstairs to the gym and Lance was back, practicing his dodging in the ring with Al. He was shirtless again and focused. And Diego was starring again. He was broken out of his trance by Al telling Diego to answer the damn phone, ringing near the desk. Diego hadn’t even heard it, but sprinted over, and picked up. The call was asking specifically for Al and it sounded like an equally grouchy older man, so rather than deal with telling him Al was busy, he approached the ring.
“It’s for you!” He coughed, interrupting the drill Al was working with Lance, holding out the phone.
“Who’s calling?” Al questioned, as he pulled his hands from the training mitts. Lance was in the background chest heaving, taking this moment to catch his breath.
“Tommy, I think?” Diego shrugged as he passed it over and Al took the phone, stepping to the other side of the ring, leaving Diego and Lance on this side.
Master of subtly that he was, Diego looked everywhere but Lance, glancing at the rafters, the other parts of the gym, the windows, the lockers, the door to the basement, everywhere.
“Hey.” Diego snapped his head around to face the only person that ‘Hey’ could have belonged to. Lance.
“Hi.”
“I’m Lance.” He extended his hand and gave Diego an award winning smile. His teeth were so white and straight and perfect. And Diego was holding his breath.
“Diego” was all he managed before Al was back and Diego was able to retreat before Lance could see his blushing cheeks.
I’m so fucked
Diego had never thought he’d be the one of his siblings to experience a sexuality crisis. It would’ve made more sense for Vanya or even Five, but him? No way. Diego was always certain about who he was. He was Number 2 of the Umbrella Academy, he was Diego Hargreeves, he was 20 years old, and he was attracted to women...and men, it appears. In a moment like this, Diego really missed Ben, or even Klaus. Klaus who was never scared of the things that he liked or what anyone thought of them and would advise Diego to be just as carefree. Or Ben, who gave the best advice and was the most level-headed Hargreeves sibling, who would talk him through what this means (if anything), and listen to Diego as he questioned his world out loud. He couldn’t even visit Mom or else he’d have to see his father, and seeing his dad in the midst of his sexual identity crisis sounded worse than pulling off his toenails with a spoon.
So it was just Diego and his sexuality and the crisis of it all.
The next day started much like the two days before it, except Diego was sleep deprived from being up all night trying to sort through his sexuality, and he was maybe hearing Klaus’ voice in his head just a little bit. He spent half the night wondering about if all those times he took more than two glances at a guy, he actually found them attractive. The second half, he tried to go through every man he could think of to come up with his ‘type’. He really missed Klaus.
Diego came up the stairs and found Lance was training, running a drill on the bag again, but Al was nowhere to be seen. At 7am, the gym was deserted; it looked like it was just Lance here alone. Diego looked around the gym once more before Lance stopped his drills and addressed him.
“Al said he had to run an errand but that it was cool for me to practice here.” He huffed out. He was shirtless again. Diego should institute a ‘shirt required’ policy, because this was starting to feel like a trap. Maybe a just general ‘no Lance’, because at this point, Diego doubted the shirt would help much anyway. It didn’t help he could just hear Klaus’ voice talking about licking stuff. He really really should’ve slept more last night.
“Oh okay. Yeah that’s fine.” Diego nodded, walking toward the desk to start doing the small clerical stuff he agreed for Al.
“So how long have you worked here?” Diego looked up and found that Lance decided this was his moment to take a break, sitting on one for the benches.
“Uh” Diego swallowed, willing himself not to stutter but he was nervous. “A couple months”. In that moment, Diego thanked every deity in existence.
“Oh cool. Do you live in this neighborhood?” Lance asked, all casual and with a kind smile.
“Yeah…” Diego nodded slowly, wondering if he should divulge that he lived here. In that moment he heard Klaus telling him to take a risk, so he did. “Actually, I live in the gym.” He rushed the words out before he lost his nerve.
“Oh that’s awesome! Do you box?” Lance asked excitedly and Diego felt his heartbeat speed up.
“Uhh, sometimes. Not too much.” Diego ducked his head down, so he could try to catch his breath even for a second.
“That’s cool too.” Lance nodded and then he was up approaching Diego and Diego stopped breathing. “We should hang out sometime.” Diego only got to stare at him wide-eyed, before the door to the gym was banging open and Al was walking in, complaining about some idiot who couldn’t watch where he was going. Once Diego turned back around, Lance was back near the bag, re-wrapping his knuckles.
While Al went about putting his coat down and continuing his rant, Diego hears Klaus again. Be bold, Di.
And while Diego still had Klaus’ nerve, he walked up to Lance and said “Yeah, we should. Tonight?”
And Lance smiled and nodded.
Tonight
Diego will never admit how long he spent in the mirror, making sure his outfit didn’t scream part-time vigilante, former superhero. He just wanted to exude as much normalcy as possible. He settled on a black shirt, some black jeans and boots. He was still Diego, afterall. In the mirror, he told himself that he may like men, and that’s okay. And that this all may be a fun experiment and he could be perfectly straight too.
Then he realizes, Lance never actually said this was a date and Diego is dry heaving trying to figure out what he’s doing. And then he gets a message from Lance saying he’s outside.
Diego doesn’t have time to backout anymore.
He takes a deep breath and heads upstairs, where he opens up the side entrance that Lance said he was waiting at. He came in a white t-shirt, with a brown leather jacket on, with dark wash jeans.
And he had a pizza in his hand.
“Hey” Lance smiled brightly at Diego and his heart fluttered a little bit.
“Hey. You brought pizza?” Diego questioned, stepping aside to let him in.
“Yeah, and beer” He pulled the case of cheap beer up to show Diego. “ You seemed like maybe you’d like a more lowkey setting.” Lance moved forward heading towards the ring and said over his shoulder “plus I thought it’d be nice to get some alone time with you.”
Diego could feel his face heat up and he was grateful that Lance’s back was turned. He followed him to the ring, where Lance had settled cross legged in the center, with the pizza box open and beer right next to it. The moon light from the windows above made it look kind of romantic.
“Th-Thanks” Diego felt his face get hot in shame. He was 20 years old and still stumbling on his words. Pathetic. He sat down opposite Lance, keeping his eyes on the ground.
“No problem. You like pepperoni, I hope?” Lance asked, shooting off that winning smile again. Diego just nodded.
“Perfect. And please take as much as you want, because I’m about to scarf this down. I’m starving.” Diego nodded again but this time with a smile.
At first, they ate in silence, and Diego blamed himself. He couldn’t get his words straight and Lance thought he was weird and this was dumb and he was so stupid and-
“I’m sorry if you didn’t realize I meant a date.” Lance said, looking down at his plate.
“Huh?” Diego asked incredulously.
“The silence right? I made you uncomfortable because I asked you out but you thought it was just hanging out and not a date.” He nodded as he said all this, deciding that that was the reason behind the stoney silence.
“No!” Diego jolted forward a little bit, surprising even himself. He stopped and took a deep breath, and when his eyes were open, Lance was staring back at him. “It’s me. I-I have a st-stu-” Diego stopped himself, breathing out in frustration, looking up to the ceiling as if it would give him strength.
“A stutter?” Lance offered.
Diego nodded, “I get fru-frus-frustrated and fe-fe-feel st-stu-stupd”. Diego finished staring down at his own hands.
“Oh! The stutter doesn’t bother me.” Lance tried to reassure him but Diego wasn’t convinced, looking at him in skepticism. “No really! I think it’s cute. I think you’re cute.” Lance ended softly and Diego’s heart was thrumming loudly in his ears. “I just wanna get to know the cute guy who works at the boxing gym I like, if you’ll let me?”
And Diego felt his face get warm. He smiled shyly and nodded.
They talked for hours, about everything. Diego told him a little about Ben and Klaus. Lance shared a story about getting caught putting a flaming bag of dog poop on his principal's porch. After that story and the story of Mom walking in on Diego singing a Spice Girls album, they couldn’t stop laughing.
It was the most fun Diego had had in forever.
In their storytelling, they had migrated closer to one another, with Diego sitting up and Lance lounging back on his elbows. And this is the closest Diego has ever been to a man who wasn’t one of his brothers or someone who was about to get beat up.
He looked down at Lance’s mouth and swallowed. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted Lance to kiss him.
And then Lance leaned up and did kiss Diego. It was sweet at first, just a gentle brush and then there was more pressure and Lance was sitting up. He was pulling Diego to him and Diego was pulling Lance closer by the shoulders and then Diego was on his back. They broke the kiss and panted heavily, and Diego just looked at him.
“I’ve never been with a guy!” Diego rushed out (higher pitched than usual), realizing how quickly this situation could move, how quickly he wanted this situation to move.
“Oh! I’m so sorry Diego!” Lance pulled back, helping Diego up at the same time. “That was way too far. I’m sorry!” Lance apologized, looking guilty.
“No! It’s okay, I just...wan-wan-wanna slow d-do-down” Diego offered.
“Yeah! For sure! I’m still really sorry.” He said earnestly and Diego reassured him it was okay.
They slowed down and started talking more, kissing and making out here and there. It was really nice and romantic.
And around 1am, Lance said he had to get home, so they started packing up. And as Diego walked him to the door of the gym, Lance told him he had a great time and that he’d love to do it again. They kissed at the door and Diego felt like he was walking on air to his bed.
Lance. He liked Lance.
Diego was 20 when he first kissed a guy.
The next time he saw Klaus, he casually mentioned that a guy he knows likes men and women.
“Only men and women?” Klaus questioned between mouthfuls of pancakes.
“Is there anything else?” Diego cocked an eyebrow at him.
“Don’t be so closed minded, there is everything in between and of course, neither.” Klaus gestures wildly, as syrup drips down his chin.
“He says men and women.” He spoke slowly.
“Ah, a bisexual then.” Klaus shrugged his shoulders and continued eating.
Bisexual.
Huh, I’m bisexual.
#the umbrella academy#tua#diego hargreeves#klaus hargreeves#ben hargreeves#bisexual diego#my writing#not beta'd#first kisses#OMC#OFC#fanfic
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one week down
I went into inpatient rehab last Monday and figured now would be a good time to give an update. I have a lot to say, but I know not everyone cares deeply about every minute detail, so I'll do a quick highlight reel for those mildly interested.
There's 5 of us, 3 men, 2 women. I'm the youngest by 7 years, and the only one here for just alcohol and weed. We have 6h of mandatory classes/groups every day except weekends when it's 1.5h. The classes are pretty boring and mostly stuff I learned from entry-level CBT/DBT with a few hidden gems of wisdom here and there.
We wake up at 8, DIY breakfast, class for 2.5h, lunch, 1.5h class, break, 1h class, dinner, an optional walk around the block, another 1h class, then bedtime meds and last smoke break at 10pm. No mandatory lights out time but I'm usually exhausted and out by 10:30.
The food sucks, but I'm trying to lose weight so I'm glad it does. I've already lost 6 pounds. On the other hand, I can't remember the last time I ate 2 meals with vegetables for a week straight. I'm smoking 3 times as much as I ever have, because everyone else is a "pack-a-day" smoker and it's been great to take away cravings and also socialize.
I really like the people in the group, and there are 2 staff members who are very well-liked because they're great, 2 that are okay, 2 that are serious hard-asses, and one who's just an outright asshole piece of shit with no business being in the healthcare field.
I'm in a weird kind of mindset where I go back and forth between "I never need to drink again" and "I can probably get drunk once or twice a month, the others here are much worse off than me, so comparatively, my addictions aren't such a big deal". I know that neither of these mindsets are truly healthy. The first because I know there will be days where I will want to drink and I need to plan for that, and the second because I simply cannot do moderation, and my life and problems aren't diminished by the existence of others' problems.
As for poppers, the other thing I'm quitting, I know I can never do them again. Poppers are all-or-nothing. It's impossible to moderate them because I would just do them all day every day, and the few times I've tried to quit them myself, by day 3 I'm digging through garbage to make a DIY bong. Quitting alcohol makes me restless, which I can manage. Quitting poppers makes me so depressed that I get suicidal.
Sorry, that was the "short" version but it got away from me. Now for a bit more detail.
I had to be 5 days sober of alcohol to come in, so it's been nearly 2 full weeks since my last drink, and exactly 2 weeks since the last time I got drunk. I still fantasize about getting sloshed again, but the rational part of my brain is slowly coming back and overriding those thoughts. I haven't had a severe craving to the point where I want to quit or even to the point where I've been super restless, largely because they keep us busy.
Poppers however... on day 2 I was having a fucking breakdown. On the floor sobbing. I went out for a smoke and one of the girls, call her Lisa, was out. I told her how bad I wanted to rip a popper and she said this: "What if you sucked really hard on the cigarette, held it in, then exhaled?" And it fucking worked. Instant headrush. Only about 20% as good as a real popper, but enough that I instantly felt better. Homegirl is a life-saver; I never would've even thought of that because I'd never imagined it would work. Part of doing a popper is smoking a piece of unfiltered cigarette very quickly, so I assumed smoking through a filter wouldn't get the job done.
I miss my kitty, but I'm not homesick like everyone else. They all have kids and 3 are in long-term relationships. 2 are likely going to prison for shit they did while fucked up on opioids and want to show the court that they're working to better themselves and get clean. They have reasons to quit. I... I feel like I really don't.
Yeah, my health has been slowly deteriorating for the past 4-5 years, and I've been very overweight for the past 2-3 years (beer belly), and I spend more money on alcohol than I'd like to admit, but what I spend in a year, Lisa spends on heroin in a weekend. To make things harder for myself, I literally have not had a hangover in 2+ years. I could drink a 26er in 4 hours and wake up absolutely fine.
But I know that my way of life, getting blackout drunk 7 days a week, isn't sustainable. I know that some alcoholics do that for 50+ years, but I'm still pretty young, and I don't want to wake up at age 40 realizing I've pissed away 1/3rd of my life just being drunk.
I guess, when I really boil it down, I want to go back to who I was before I started drinking. I had so much potential to do great things when I graduated high school, and since then it's been a steady decline in my productivity and motivation.
Something that's surprised me about being here is that I've gotten more shit done in the past week than I do most MONTHS. There's a piano that I play for an hour a day, which I haven't done since I was a teenager. There's a treadmill I've used a few times. There's enough down-time for me to work on some embroidery and drawing, but most importantly, I started writing again.
I "finished" my first novel 8 years ago, and I've been trying to rewrite it in its entirety ever since. Draft One was 150,000 words, and Rewrite has been stuck at 25k for almost 2 years now. After a week, it's up to 35k.
And I think I have to attribute this to my lack of drinking. I never realized just how much it affected my motivation before. I used to open the document, force myself to crunch out a paragraph or two and then put it back on the shelf for a few months.
Now, I'm not forcing anything. It's coming to me. I'm inspired. I'm confident. I'm excited.
I've been feeling like I'd lost my spark, my drive to create things, for years now. And it's only been 2 weeks sober and I'm getting that spark back. I guess I do have a reason to quit: I'm not going to accomplish anything, or at least not anything I'm excited about, if I go back to drinking.
Another thing I've noticed is that I'm much more process-oriented. The task of writing always seemed too daunting and stressful because I just want the fucker to be done already. Now, I'm truly enjoying just getting through a scene or chapter. Even just a clever turn of phrase releases the Happy Chemical for me now.
To wrap up this absolute saga of epic length, I want to talk about the people a bit more. It's pretty rare that I get put into a group of people and I genuinely like all of them and none of them annoy me. The last time I was in a classroom with others, we were literally "learning" to identify parts of sentences and doing absolute beginner-level word processing. It was agonizing, because every single person in that class was a fucking idiot and would ask the stupidest questions, take forever to read a paragraph aloud while mispronouncing very common words. I'm not being a know-it-all dick, either. It's objectively true. How do I know? Out of 25, only me and one other person passed the course despite them all attending class regularly.
All that to say, these people are genuinely smart and likeable. John is an absolute encyclopedia on guitars, machinery, cars, and has done pretty much every skilled trade under the sun. He's also had a lot of interesting life experiences. Rick is a yoga guru who brought 12 books ranging from Zen Buddhism to abstract physics, and while I don't believe in 'chakras' and 'healing energies', he doesn't annoy me because he really only talks about it in relation to himself and how it's helped him, which I can respect. Christy is a PSW, and I mention that because she has a way of phrasing things in a wise, educated way, because that's how PSWs get good: they learn to communicate very well. She actually native and lives on a reserve, so she always has something interesting to talk about. Lisa is so well-traveled that when I mentioned I could name all the capitals, she pulled out fucking Tajikistan. She'd never been there. She's also South African and lived during apartheid, and is much more knowledgeable on the subject than myself, and I consider myself pretty well-read on it.
There's no stupid questions that take up half the class to answer, nobody takes 15 minutes to read a paragraph, and everyone is truly putting in the work.
I'm still nervous about coming back home, but my worries get less and less daunting with each passing day.
One week down, 2 more to go. Back at 'er at 9am tomorrow, rain or shine.
Stay Greater, Flamingos.
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Tw: domestic abuse/stalking/hallucinating/drinking/ednos/ drugs/ptsd
*going to continue at some point*
*tldr: my abuser has been dead for years but I see his face everyday on strangers. I just saw him walking a dog down the street and its triggering me to isolate and be mute right now.
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When I was in my late teens I started to date this guy. He didn't really like me and idky he even played me out the way he did. I persuade the relationship and asked him if we could make it official. He said no but literally a minute later agreed. I barely remember how long we were together before he tried to call it off.
My dumbass begged him to give me another chance. It was obvious he didn't want to but again agreed.
[This was my fault. If I didn't beg for another chance things wouldn't of gone so far]
The next few months we started drinking more. His spit fire tongue turned towards me weekly. Daily. Hourly.
Coming from a home of verbal abuse i ignored it. It was normal.
I started to believe the horrible things he would say to me.
"Stupid."
"What were you thinking?!"
"Goddd!!" Followed by rolled eyes
Pokes my fat. "Eewwww!" Followed by a disgusted face.
I didn't realize it at the time but he was trying to push me away. Im assuming at least. Who would say those words to someone they wanted in their life.
When summer came things became more intense. He started obsessing over me now. I've gained about 30lbs from drinking and a poor diet. I was about 18 when I dated him and had little care about my appearance. I had less knowledge of health, fitness, and diet then I did of basic aesthetics.
Even though he belittled my appearance he didn't want me to leave him. After each public fight in front of his friends he pull me to the side and beg me not to leave.
Now, I can't remember if this part is in my head or really happened. I remember feeling like he said no one would want me because of my weight. This was around the same time I found out he was cheating on me. The girl was small. Blonde. Firery. Pretty in a whorish way.
He admitted to it the night it happen and apologized. We decided to work it out. And by working it out I mean I ignored him as he wildly cheated on me.
He continued with the Blonde. She knew of me. Who I was. That I was dating him. She projected flout on the outside and raging jealously on the inside.
She spat on me. She spat in my hair.
She walked away while pointing and laughing. The coward ran into her friends house before I could even get out of my seat.
He did nothing but sigh.
And we drove off.
_________________________________________
We ended up at a good friend's house. I told her what happen. My friend wanted, and would of, kicked her ass but I said I would take care of it. She expressed how I would let it go. How I was too nice of a person to do anything.
She was right. I let it go. This lead to a new depth to the abusive wedge I allowed into my life.
I am now a doormat.
The guy continued to cheat: tall, cute, super thin brunette; average height, pretty, super thin black hair. Besides their pretty faces they all had one thing in common. They were underweight.
I was still overweight and I thought he would stop if I lost the weight. So, I started doing something I haven't done since I was a child.
I stopped eating.
The weight slowly started coming off but I still ate like a pig (in my mind at least). I remember the day I decided to puke for the first time.
After I dropped everyone off for the night I bought a large sub, diet soda, and some breakfast sandwiches. I parked my car near a lake i did homework at and inhaled the breakfast. Grabbed my plastic bag and put my fingers down my throat. It hurt so bad. I teared up. I choked on food. I continued to eat. And I continued to force it back out.
It was working. I was losing weight. The restricting. The puking when I ate bad foods. The weight was coming off and people we noticing.
The Blonde who spat on me didn't even recognize me at a party. I remember her looking me up and down with a wtf expression. He still cheated on me with he though. He still cheated on me the the Black Haired girl.
As I lost weight he became more insecure. His abuse turned from verbal and emotional to physical. He always had a hint of control hovering over our relationship but that wasn't enough.
I can't remember when in the relationship it started but I remember what he did.
Pushing against the wall.
Head bunting.
Knife to throat
Attempt to crash my car while I was driving.
Guilting me to have sex.
Grabbing onto me until I said I wouldnt leave.
Blackmail.
One day I finally got the courage to leave him. I noticed other guys started looking at me. I was done. I knew I was finally pretty enough for someone else to love.
________________________________________
I decided to end it in a public place. Bluntly. No words just action.
We met up for lunch at a deli with some friends. I knew he wouldn't get physical in front of them. Just verbal. I ate my protein bar and drank my coffee. His hands were wrapped around my waist. Causal conversations filled the air.
It felt safe.
This was it. This was the time to move. He allowed me to unhook his arms. I started walking towards my car. He knew. I walked faster. Open the door. Got in. Locked it with in less then a second to spare. As soon as the door shut and locked i heard the handle being pulled. I heard the THUD! of the outside door handle drop. Unopened.
I made it.
I turn my engine on and drove off. He tried to stand in my way but I didn't care I would of driven off with him on my hood if it came down to it. Thankfully it didn't. On my drive to a safe location I was crying uncontrollable. The feeling was unreal. He called me on my cell phone minute after minute after minute. He continued for 30-60 minutes.
Now here's where there were more problems.
All of our friends were OUR friends.
I tried to stay friends with them. I even dealt with the fact that he would be at some parties months after i left him.. I just had to avoid him. He ended up stalking me. He broke into my car and stole my credit card and license. Said he would steal my identity if I didn't get back with him.
This happened at a real friends house and the cops were called. He was arrested. I didn't see him around for 2 years (he was at a party i was invited to). I cut almost all those mutuals out of my life. They didn't believe me anyway.
See, he was very charming. Very funny. Very manipulative. I was painted as the bad guy. The crazy one that yelled at him at parties. The one that started everything.
_______________________________________
Days turned into weeks. Months turned into years.
I weeded out the people who still hung out with him while I was present. He ended up heavily addicted to drugs and alcohol. As well as myself.
He got arrested.
I got a college degree.
He went to jail for selling guns
I got married.
He took a plead deal and joined the army.
I bought a house and started a family.
He got kicked out of the army.
He contacted me 10 years after I broke it off.
I didn't know about the guns. If I knew I wouldn't of replied to him. I was very court with him.
"I'm happily married. Own a home. College educated. Pregnant with my first child." He respond back but I never answered. I just wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to know that I made it.
A few months later he OverDosed on Heroin.
Before he died I would hallucinate seeing him in cars next to me or in stores. It was never bad. Just once in a blue moon. Now its weekly. Multiple times a week to be frank. And I dont know how to make it stop.
Its also so sad. Even years later no one who remained friends with both of us believes me when I tell them how bad it was. They still mourn him every year while I fear his ghost everyday.
* need to edit later
#story time#trigger warning#for everything#domestic abuse#ed trigger#ednos#drugs#alcohol#stalking#ptsd#hallucinations
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We met in the summer. The summer before sophomore year. He was the boy, who always smoked us out, quiet type. Poor, like me, and had a mom just like mine, so I thought. In active addiction. June 25. The day he kissed me. We were high as hell at his grandmas. And he kissed me. And that was it. So I thought. And 2 weeks later at 16 and 17, we moved in together. Now for y’all to properly understand this story, it has to be all over the place. So for the first year things were good. It was the first real relationship I had. I did everything for him. And everything with him. I learned to do so much , to cook, to clean. Everything. That first year was nothing but love and four wheelers and adventures. He didn’t come from the best family. They were ALL addicts and very poor. Like I said before we both were poor but I was a little bit better off than him. So being together. We never planned on living that life, or being addicts. Yes we both smoked weed but we both saw what drugs did to people, hard drugs and decided than, that wasn’t gonna be us. We didn’t always make the best choices. And looking back now all we wanted was money, to do better for ourself and even tho we got a little blindsided. It didn’t start that way. So he started selling. And things were good. We had money and lots of things. We went to prom, his first and only prom, he bought his own suit and I’d never seen him happier. He was proud. It still one of my favorite memories. It was something he never would’ve got without selling. Things like this weren’t important or celebrated in his family. This same year, I bought him his first every cake. Imagine that 18 years no cake. I also made his first thanksgiving and got him his first tree. Me and him and my mom and all his family did this all together. Even tho they weren’t shit. We loved them. And they loved us. We had been so use to dysfunctional, its all we ever knew. So after the first year. Things went down hill. I still remember how. It was summer. And we stopped selling. I was working now. And things were good but we had already got a taste of the money, of the selling, and it’s hard to not go back to that. That’s what he knew and what he was good at, but it had become to risky. So to help out more, he also got a job, fencing with his brother in law. Now it was the summer before my junior year and his senior year. He was cutting the grass and had just got out of work. I was so proud of him. My dad has left years ago and left me and my mom a house. And nobody had cut the grass in years. It meant more to me than he knew. So I went to the store and bought a 24 pack of beer to surprise him and thank him. I look back and think maybe if I didn’t do that my life would be different. Because after that pack, he bought one, well at least one almost every day after. That whole summer we fought and He Drank. And turned to a drug, we didn’t do. There was days I would make him meal, after meal, after meal, and he still wouldn’t eat. I would cry thinking maybe it was my cooking or me. It was the cocaine. I was so young, I couldn’t tell. Thinking about how stupid I was. Hurts me. Physically. When school started I couldn’t get him to go, I cried every morning begging him to go and he wouldn’t. He quit his senior year. Later this year is when we broke up. He moved back home and Started selling again. It wasn’t long before he got busted. I remember finding out he was in jail. It crazy because the night before he cried to come over and I told him no and then he got raided. Imagine if I would have let him, he would’ve never got that first charge... they locked him up and he was gone for a while it was so hard for me. It was the first time we were really, really away from each other. Shorty after he was released and we got back together. I then moved into his house. After jail, it changed him. It put into perspective that he came from this shit and will prolly die in it. This is when the abuse started. I remember all the time in pieces, not in order. I try my hardest to block it out. The first time was at his house....
He beat the living shit out of me. I was confused. It was something I never experienced. After it was over I layed there feeling not so much as person but an object. He cried that day and told me he was so sorry. And I believed him. But that night when I layed my head next to his, I questioned if he really did. And even tho he said it was the last. It was the beginning to so much more. After that it was always a slap or a punch. He even kicked me off my back porch which was 5 feet off the ground. There would be nights, he would hold me at his house all night, beating me, then having sex with me, then repeating it all. He’s chipped my tooth, sprained my hand, left me black eyes, bruises. Thrown me, hit me.I think the worst was when he would choke me, one time I passed out, that day I think I even scared him. And during all this I stayed and even to this day I can say I love him still. Now if that isn’t sick and twisted idk what is. It’s not fair that you can love someone who hurts you so much. We broke up the again on my birthday September 7 2019 and later in March of 2020 he was arrrested again and did six month. We did get back together during this time, and it was rough. I did everything for him while he was in jail. But I wasn’t faithful. I hurt him: I cheated while he was in there. And lied to his face. I know this is what broke him. Completely. But after everything he did to me. I was finally free for the first time. 6 months no abuse no crazy ex. I know it was wrong. And when he got out he ghosted me. He completely ignored me until one day he invites me over. It has been so long since I had seen him and even after what I did to him and what he did to me. All I wanted to do was see him. And so I went. And for 12 hours I got the worst beating I’ve ever had in my life. I cried all night. He was drunk and hurt and found out about what I did. He didn’t let me leave. Until the morning. When he finally fell asleep I remember laying there, feeling dead inside. Like my body was there and alive but not my soul. I left. So now you’re here. And your thinking “she has to be done w him” but no. After this in the summer I keep my distance but when my birthday rolls around. He comes to see me. And I go. Now this time I had been talking to this boy. Who was just like him, but nicer, and while I’m there that boy gets arrested I’ll never be able to prove it but I know he had something to do with it. I left and cried myself to sleep that night. I was so happy but I let him back in. My weakness. And ruined everything. So I stayed away again. Until just recently he called again. I gave in and answered and started hanging out again. Now I have four felony charges bc we went on a high speed chase and he let me take everything while he ran. This to me was the last straw. I put up with so much for him to do that to me. I loved him and still love him so much. He has so much potential, we had so many plans and things we were gonna do and see. I feel like a part of me died. He’s not even the same person anymore. I’m mourning the loss of a person who still alive. He’s currently in jail looking at so much prison time. And like I said it’s so hard. Thinking about the life we wanted, and the life we are a actually living now seems UNREAL. Part of me wants to believe that the guy I met that summer is still there. But the other part of me knows he’s gone. And that maybe in another life we got it right but not this one. No amount of love or hopes or dreams can fix this. Or maybe he was never there.
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20 Buffy asks: 2, 3, 4, 5
2. What’s your opinion on season 6?
Definitely my least favourite season. Season 6 is not neeeearly as clever as it thinks it is. The reason that it seems so dark is because the metaphors are so sloppy. That’s the word I use to sum up season 6, actually: sloppy. The show has always been dark – just off the top of my head, season 1 alone goes to some dark places: a mother feels her daughter is “wasting her youth” and so she steals her body; ‘The Pack’ is a dark episode so much so that it’s super uncomfortable to watch at times; the child abuse in ‘Nightmares’ etc. Basically, this isn’t groundbreaking.
Okay, so real-life is the Big Bad… I can see how this could be interesting. So much of the conflict feels unnatural and contrived to me, though. It’s like the writers brainstormed everything bad that could happen to a person and tossed it all in even if it would seem OOC. For example, Giles’ reasoning for leaving was ridiculous. Something simple such as needing to leave for important Watcher’s Council duties would’ve sufficed in writing ASH out, but instead this is done in a way to make Buffy’s life even more awful. Giles’ reasons ring untrue to me particularly because he was totally there for Buffy after her mother passes away. Way back in ‘When She Was Bad’ Giles is one of the few to recognise how traumatic her encounter with The Master must have been, especially given that she, y’know, died. And the circumstances in season 6 are much bigger; how is learning that Buffy was in heaven and feeling that she now lives in hell supposed to convince Giles even more that he has to go?? She’s been back for 5 seconds and he already thinks he’s standing in her way? What???
If this season gets its points for being so realistic, then I’m gonna nit-pick. Buffy’s financial issues also feel very contrived and are only there to add to Buffy’s misery; so Buffy comes back from the dead to Tara and Willow living in her dead mother’s room (I get it, this way Dawn doesn’t have to live somewhere else) the point is, there are four people living under this roof – that’s four people using up utilities such as water and hydro, needing twice as many groceries, etc. – and Tara and Willow don’t offer any help financially? What??? Willow could’ve been making some bank given her computer skills, but okay.
How can life be the Big Bad when there are no lasting consequences? This can act as a slight against season 7 as well but season 6 is the one that brings these issues up and the lack of follow-through is just further evidence to me that all of this conflict was contrived. Like, Tara dies and Willow turns world-ending-evil but all she needs to do is chill in a field for a bit? Okay. Spike tries to r*pe Buffy but we’re not gonna talk about it. Xander leaves Anya at the altar but don’t worry, they’ll make up. Money is a huge issue but next season there’ll be like 20 people living under Buffy’s roof, Doublemeat Palace who? Giles leaves but he comes back like three times and realises his “I’m standing in your way” riff was bullshit. Dawn was a klepto for a hot minute, but sneeze and you miss that plot.
And the thing is, there are actual things they could’ve explored with Dawn but the show chose to ignore the whole The Key thing. It’s not like everyone gets their pre-S5 memories back, so everyone still has years worth of fake memories involving Dawn. Dawn could have fears about how everyone she loves only loves her because of fake memories, it’s sad, of course, but that could be a huge worry of hers given her situation.
Then the magic=drugz thing (I can’t even call it a metaphor because it is way too unsubtle) was just… embarrassing to watch lmao. Nothing in the previous seasons indicates that magic could equal drugs; in season 4, it’s used as a way of exploring Willow’s sexuality or something to that extent. Furthermore, I never got the indication that it was the magic Willow was addicted to, but the power. And maybe the knowledge. But anyway, in season 6 we have Willow getting the shakes, hiding magic weed, needing a fix, “I feel so JUICED”
[looks up] Damn, this is getting long! I think I’ve kind of made my point by now lol
To end, though, I believe I saw someone describe season 6 as having an artificial darkness and I think that’s a good way to sum up my feelings.
3. What’s your opinion on season 7?
The thing with season 7 is that it frustrates me because there were ideas that I liked and it had so much – excuse the word choice here – potential to be a great season, but everything about the execution falls flat for me. And when I think of it as a follow-up to season 6, it works even less for me, which I already touched on in the above question.
‘Lessons’ ending on the “going back to the beginning” line seemed so promising to me, and it should’ve been a driving force for the season. From a storytelling perspective, it is bananas to me how little focus the original 4 get both as individuals (too much of Buffy’s plots are consumed by Spike) and as a group. The dynamic of the original 4 is tore down in order to make Buffy’s relationship with Spike more significant, which is incredibly irritating. As much as the “The Earth is definitely doomed” callback makes me go :’) the season really didn’t earn it. To be honest, how did we never get to see the new Sunnydale High’s library?
I think the most glaring problems of season 7 is that there is way too much going on, to the point where there wasn’t much room for character work. The Potentials actually don’t bother me that much, but they’re definitely a problem with the season. If they really wanted to go that route, it would’ve been more effective if there were significantly fewer potentials; the show makes it seem like they’re a dying breed but it sure seemed like there were a lot of potentials. I get that it takes away from the ~empowering images in the finale of young women feeling powerful, but I like the idea of the final battle somehow having all of the past slayers. That way, they wouldn’t need to be introduced until much later in the season which would leave more room for character work. And then of course The First turned out to be pretty lame.
Spike was given WAY too much this season and a lot of his stuff was inconsequential. Compare Spike in season 7 to Angel in season 3; Angel really doesn’t get that much to do, which is fine, because it’s not his show! He has this big moment with Buffy in 3x04 and then in the next two episodes, he gets two brief scenes. He gets one big episode in ‘Amends’ and other than that, his arc/plots are more on the periphery. There’s still plenty of room for the original 4 and other than in ‘Relevations’ the Buffy/Angel relationship isn’t used to take away from her relationships with the Scoobies.
Like I said, though, I like some of the ideas of season 7; I like the idea of going back to beginning, I like the idea of the final season focusing on the Slayer line, I like the idea of a Big Bad that can’t physically harm you, only psychologically. More than anything, season 7 is disappointing to me because I can see a path where it could’ve been so good, but it wasn’t the path taken.
4. What’s your opinion on Riley?
I really don’t mind Riley! His associations with The Initiative probably do not help him gain any clout in the fandom, but even The Initiative arc wasn’t that bad to me until Maggie was killed off. Anyway, back to Riley: I think he’s a nice guy and not in a Nice Guy™ kind of way. He fit in pretty well with the Scoobies – on my first watch, I actually thought he was being introduced as a love interest for Willow haha. He was pretty chill and seemed to make Buffy happy for the most part. He certainly has his moments where I’m like, “really???” even before the mess that happens in season 5, but for the most part, he’s fine.
Onto the mess in season 5… to me, a lot of the conflict was cooked up just because he was being written out and so much of it felt weird to me. Like, “she doesn’t cry as much with you” being taken as a bad thing? I found that really stupid. I get what the show was going for; that Riley was feeling useless, didn’t really have a place of his own without The Initiative, and felt Buffy didn’t love him. I just think it could’ve been done in a much better way. I basically already said this but it seemed like everything that happened was because MB was being written out and not because it was in-character; the writers kind of threw everything at the wall to make Riley terrible and because he already wasn’t a well-received character, it all stuck to the wall.
Anyway, his appearance in season 6 worked well enough for me. So he didn’t get to leave on a sour note.
5. What’s your opinion on Dawn?
I love her! It’s kind of weird to me how people can hate children in fiction so viscerally for essentially being kids, particularly when they’re played by kids and all of the other characters are adults. I don’t know, I just don’t have it in me. So right off the bat, I’m sympathetic to Dawn because just like any kid, she still has a lot of growing to do. Why do you expect her to not be immature, guys?? And then of course her situation makes me feel more sympathetic to her; her sister is out saving the world with her friends and Dawn still needs to be babysat but more importantly: her whole life is a lie. That’s a lot for an adult to deal with, nevermind a 14(? 13? idek) year old. It’d be interesting to see a side-by-side of Dawn at the same age as Buffy and co. during high school because I don’t think the differences would be that striking.
Anyway, I think season 7 is a good showing of who she’d become: selfless, wanting to help with the research, mature, etc. And you could see hints of that in seasons 5 and 6; Dawn was willing to jump and close that portal in ‘The Gift’
#buffy asks#i'm gonna be suuuuper slow at answering these if u can't already tell#luscious2#anyone: buffy s6--#me: [rant]
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july 29th, 2019
As I was pulling in my driveway after work, I was thinking that maybe I have PTSD or something. I really do get stressed, bothered, and anxious/panicky when certain things/scenarios are brought up. Idk, I just think I’m extremely fucked up from the whole year of 2018 and anything prior with Johnny and Damian. Life fucked me up. SO badly. idk it’s like i just constantly think of johnny and i cant stop talking about him and im so fucking wrecked from it.
johnny was my best friend who died of a heroin overdose in july of last year. he was 20. we’ve been friends since 2011 or 12. he was a huge part of my life from november 2017 until his death. we hung out all the time, i was one of the only people there for him during the last 8 months of his life. his family was never there for him except for his nana and brother eric, his mom pretended to be there for a while, but she likes to pretend & show off for her family. johnny’s best friend anthony (and a good friend of mine) was in prison for 2 years (out in may), but supported him after he got released. johnnys only other “real” friends were damian and tay. both of them would supply johnny w drugs. not good people or friends. tay is homeless now, and a panhandler. damian is supposedly clean, but played a part in fucking me up and johnny’s family suspects he was involved in johnny’s death, so damian and i dont talk anymore. i was crushing on him hard last spring & summer. but i was in love w johnny. damian and i met through johnny when johnny had a stroke in january 2018. idk why im so into drug addicts. sometimes i want to be one, i just want to use drugs to feel better. i think they would work, but i don’t want to ruin my life, nd i dont have the will or self control enough to regulate my usage, so i dont fuck with drugs. i miss johnny but his and damian’s friendship used to negatively affect me really badly. they would coerce me into taking them to pickups, use around me/in front of me, and always use me for rides and attemptedly money, but i never gave them it. every time i hung out with them, they were fucked up. it hurt, and now i’m fucked up. i drink alot, but i think a lot of that is because of casey (my alcoholic ex boyfriend), but idk. i dont know why i do the things i do. i guess my nerves are just horrible and i dont know where to turn to to find a way out. ha. “my nerves are bad” johnny’s famous fucking line he used to excuse his heroin use.
I always know when people are bullshitting me if they use that line, thanks to johnny, yet i use that line all the fucking time to excuse my own actions. no, i don’t use heroin, but I do stupid shit to cope. mostly just shutting down, acting out, being mean, being... not myself. but i always just shrug it off as having bad nerves, because that’s all johnny used to say when he wanted my weed or started using again. and i believed it. i felt for him. i had so much sympathy, so now i know others will feel the same for me. but its a bullshit ass excuse. truth is, i dont know why i do the things i do, but people let it slide so easily if i blame my nerves and anxiety, maybe it is my nerves and anxiety. idon’t fucking know. at least im not cutting myself anymore.
the last time i cut myself was 2017 i think. i dont keep track anymore because that was always a trigger. i think about cutting all the time, but i dont do it because i hate my scars, im afraid i cant hide it anymore, and i just dont want to go back to that place. truthfully, i’m so much worse off now than i was when i was self harming. i used to pretend to be really really depressed and suicidal, for attention or love or to be “cool” or whatever. but now, as an adult, i’m well aware that it isnt cool to be depressed and the suicidal thoughts are scary. i dont want to die i just want this pain to fucking go away. i want to start cutting myself again, but i’m too scared. i want to start doing drugs, but i’m too scared. scared i’ll cut too deep, scared i’ll get addicted or go too far. i’m a scared ass little bitch now. i think my anxiety is worse than it has ever been.
at this point i realize im rambling, but fuck it feels good to ramble. i’m glad im getting this all off my chest.
i want to be medicated again, but this time with something that works. valium gave me a weird reation, i want to try xanax i think. even weed makes me sick. valium barely made me feel any different, but the difference that was noticeable was the feeling of heightened anxiety and a faster heart rate. adverse reaction, it scared me. maybe xanax could work tho. but i dont want to get addicted and i dont trust myself not to misuse them for a high.
ok. i’m tired of typing. it’s time to go to bed so i can wake up, get an oil change, and pack for up north. night guys
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Odd numbers on both for AVIE
JOKES ON U I LOVE THESE YA SHIT.
This is really long but also really interesting if you wanna know more about Avie, under a cut to save your dash!
#1.
1: What’s your OC’s biggest insecurity and how would they react if someone pointed it out to them?Her failings as a spellbreaker thus far; she feels very behind in her training and though it’s not for the want of trying she just can’t break through that next wall in her progress. She feels like she’s disappointing Zalin in some way. @curiouslich
3: Does your OC behave differently around different people, if so with whom and how?Avie heavily modifies her behaviour around almost everyone she meets. To most, she is charming and flirtatious and charismatic. She would probably be described as a nice person; but behind closed doors is a completely different matter. She’s straight up emotionally abusive towards her husband, denying him affection or civility unless it benefits her or to get what she wants, only to withdraw it immediately after.
5: How would your OC generally react to someone being verbally abusive towards them for no apparent reason?She’d just look at them with a raised brow before shooting them down in a torrent of sassy flames.
7: Does your OC have any irrational phobias?The sound of clinking chains will wig her out, which isn’t so irrational when you know she was meat-hooked across the battle field by an abomination in her first skirmish with The Sunguard. She’s also afraid of snakes; she doesn’t know why, she just is.
9: Does your OC feel a pressure to achieve or are they content and calm with doing what they can at the moment?Currently she’s under a lot of pressure to make a breakthrough with her Spellbreaking; she doesn’t feel like she’s good enough and every time she’s unable to protect her allies it rubs salt in the wound. Off the battle field, she feels immense pressure to reclaim (steal) her lands out from under her father so that she can disinherit him and be free of his grasp once and for all. She’s also feeling the pressure from the fall through of numerous trade deals with Orgrimmar due to the trade embargo they’ve placed on The Sunguard.
11: How would your OC react to hearing they’re adopted?She’d be very confused, and then she’d do everything in her power to hide the fact. Her entire lifestyle is built on the fact she’s nobility and heir to a large amount of land and money; she’d hide her adoption under the rug as quick as she could and wouldn’t be above murder to keep it a secret.
13: What kind of situations does your OC avoid the most?Anything that involves her having to be around her father.
15: Does your OC consider themselves a good person?Avie thinks she’s God’s Gift. She’s not.
17: Does your OC suffer from any mental health issues?She almost certainly suffers from some sort of depression and/or anxiety but is in complete denial and doesn’t acknowledge either.
19: What boosts your OC’s confidence the most?Tell her she’s gorgeous.
21: Does your OC hurt others often intentionally? If yes, how?See above: emotional abuse towards husband.
23: Does your OC tend to hide something about their personality/essence when meeting new people? If yes, what?Again, see question 3. That part of her personality only begins to show through the cracks when someone has her complete trust and her guard drops.
25: How would your OC process the grief caused by the death of a loved one?Avie hasn’t experience much grief; losing he rmother at the end of The Winter of Woe was the first real grievance she’d experienced. She became very closed off and sought solace by spending a lot of time on her own. Perhaps if she had people in her life she felt she could seek comfort from, she would turn to them.
27: Does your OC practise any kind of escapism? If yes, what kind?She’ll often get high and/or drunk and seek out a one night stand for temporary escape. If she can’t do those, she’ll take Stormherald out for a long ride and just wander, staring into space with a blank mind.
29: How does your OC behave on the face of a conflict?She gets angry, and will probably try to hit whoever is going for her if it’s not in battle. At war, she’s very disciplined and steadfast; I currently can’t think of anything that would make her turn and flee except maybe several Abominations all heading for her. In verbal conflict, she’ll attempt to sass or shout the other person down until she wins.
#2.
1: What does your OC feel is important to be talented at?Lying, and at your chosen skill/career path whatever that may be.
3: Does your OC struggle with any type of addictions?She currently uses Bloodthistle more than she should.
5: What calms your OC down the best under severe stress?Previously, it would have been her mother. Her sister, Avari, is pretty good at soothing her but they rarely see each other these days. A stern talking to by someone she at least trusts would help, failing that hand her some elf-weed and sit her in a corner for a time out.
7: What does your OC hate and like about themselves?Hate: she’s not good enough, strong enough, she couldn’t make her marriage work (even though she never really wanted it to), she’s a disappointment.Love: she’s very pretty, she’s rich, she’s confident, she’s physically very strong and likes to show this off
9: What maladaptive behavioral models in your OC’s personality do they have to struggle with the most?She has to remember to be charming and not an abusive piece of shit like she actually is. She also struggles to let go of grudges and will form vendettas if she thinks someone has wronged her; she has destroyed poorer noble houses before.
11: What makes your OC feel most guilt in their life?Avie doesn’t really feel guilt because she doesn’t really think she’s ever done anything wrong. She might feel remorseful occasionally for her treatment of Aron, but as she is right now guilt is not a thing she experiences often.
13: How independent is your OC for their age and life situation?Avie is 53, and for such a young elf she could be fairly independent with the means she earns from being a fairly high ranking member of a milita; however, as second in line for the Silverbrooke lands she still relies on her father for most of her money and the apartment in Silvermoon that she lives in. She hopes to change this soon.
15: Is your OC afraid of confrontation or do they seek to lay things down on open?She certainly isn’t afraid of confrontation and will call people out if she has to or thinks they deserve it. Sometimes she’ll actively antagonise people just because she wants a fight.
17: What does your OC do when they’re dealing with intense emotional pain?She lashes out and then becomes very withdrawn; she’ll have a short explosive phase and then hide and sob until she’s nothing left to give. Its unwise to approach her when she’s like this, unless you’re one of the very few people in her life she loves.
19: Is there anything others often admire about your OC?People tell me she’s pretty and that she’s the tankiest of tanks in roll20 and that makes me happy :D
21: How much of an attention seeker is your OC?SO MUCH. She doesn’t even care what kind of attention it is, she just wants to be at the centre. She thrives on rumors about her going around the courts and preens when she gets positive attention.
23: Does your OC have a criminal record? Nope.
25: How does your OC see their own value in comparison to other people?Avie is very self centered and thinks she’s worth her weight in gold. You might think that being a tank means she’s selfless but she does it mostly for the glory. She’s not above bailing if she knows she can’t win and there are only three people she’d currently risk her life to protect; Zalin, Iiloridan and Kalyanar (by virtue of the fact he’s Lori’s cousin and she couldn’t bare to see him upset).
27: What does your OC think about the concept of love?She’s never been in love and due to her forced arranged marriage and the weird, abusive set-up between her parents she has a warped view of everything romance related: she’s not keen.
29: Is your OC wild/ reckless or do they tend to stay on the safe side inside their comfort zone?Very reckless. Avie will go out of her way to do something stupid on the battlefield if she think’s it’ll work or buy her allies more time to do the thing. She’s also reckless in her personal life, having multiple affairs and undermining her father politically without much care for who sees.
THERE DONE @edaigoa :|
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online diary
thank god i have this stupid blog because I need to write some shit down and dont know where my diary is.
1. my grandpa kicked the bucket. the man that helped raise me. taught me to drive, always lock my doors and don’t speed, that its not the money that I make but the money that I earn-- that guy. he was supposed to live forever or at least until I got married and have kids. the first person that I have lost that is close to my heart. i know its selfish but I am just angry. I am fucking mad. Not that he died but that it is so sudden and i can do nothing but watch my family suffer from afar. Mom is losing it and I worry about her often. i wonder if I always will because she seems pretty stuck in her ways at this point.
2. yosemite was lifechanging. i cant even process it entirely but all i know is that i want to go back and i want to keep going back. I want that place to be a huge part of my life. I want to climb el capitan with richie and conquer that shit. I want to be a good rock climber and continue to get stronger. that place was insane-- gorgeous cascading waterfalls around every corner- the looming peaks and massive structures-- the climbing mecca of the world. i didn’t give a single fuck while i was in that place-- i was so present. and i was so tired. the climbing exhausts me in every way possible so that all i can do is eat and sleep after. i cant imagine doing it with anyone but richie. i wouldnt want to. its so personal and intimate and completely infuriating for me to just go with anyone.
3. I feel so much sadness. I keep fighting it and I keep trying to figure out what the fuck it is. I know what it is. It’s my addiction to weed which is such a fucking stupid thing but I have completely abused the plant and my mind and body are starting to pay for it. I am sluggish and unmotivated and emotional and bored. I want to be everything that is opposite of that- therefore I have to give it up. I don’t even want it most of the time. it feels so good to just be honest right now. to surrender into the truth and just accept it- me for what I am. I am so much more than this addiction-- underneath it is the powerful, sexy, confident, strong bad bitch that is ready to take her world by storm. She isn’t afraid of shit- especially being uncomfortable or other peoples’ judgements. She feels unapologetically beautiful- herself. She feels sure of her beliefs and of what she brings to the table in her work and relationships. She feels secure in her emotions, allowing things to come up and gracefully handling it with movement, prayer, meditation. She is the partner that she would want. She is the queen to her king and takes care of not only herself- but the emotional needs of her partner. She is a good friend and has a few quality relationships.
4. That’s another thing. I am realizing that everything I worry about- especially when it comes to forming relationships with girls- is coming from my own mind. I thought that most girls were untrustworthy, ignorant, and honestly annoying. I have met a few women lately though that have showed me that we all have so much more to offer. The thing is, and its something richie cannot relate to- is that I love my own company so much that in order for me to give it up, you better be pretty fucking cool to me. I am not interested in getting to know just anyone and everyone. I have so many chicks in this town that I could call up at any point. Yet there is only a couple that I want to with- and seldomly. I hope that this is a phase but I have a feeling that I will probably be somewhat of a hermit for the rest of my days. I am truly okay with that idea. I love people so much-- they are the most important part of life. However, the connection I have with my own soul is so precious and needs so much attention that I am glad to surrender into it.
5. I started this business knowing that I needed to do the right thing and pay taxes on the income that I earn. I want to be legitimate and recognized as such. But this shit is a pain in the ass and I can understand why most businesses fail within the first 2 years. I continuously find myself making small (and occasionally big) fuck ups that want to convince me that I am not cut out for this. I am not meant to be an entrepreneur, is what it is telling me. I feel like this is the crux of my business, appearing. I feel pretty lost and uninformed. Yet I would choose this stress and uncertainty 1,000 times over being under anyone else again. I was never meant to be a follower. I was always called to me my own boss- make the important choices. I do that- and I am damn good at it.
6. I am better than ever yet somehow feel worse than I have before too. I hope to wake up one day and just be good. I hope to feel the gnawing gone- the anxiety put to death. I hope to only be dependent on the love of God for sustenance. I hope to do away with most substances- my sobriety a testament to my will and my devotion to a better (long term) outcome.
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Is Blogging Dead? And A Few Other Nuggets of Wisdom For New Bloggers
How’s that for a dramatic title? Enough years in the blogging space and you’ll learn the very definition of “click-bait” but truthfully, I do want to answer the question “Is Blogging Dead?” since I’ve been hearing it so often lately.
5 years ago today (well actually 2 days ago but I don’t post on Saturdays, so close enough!) I started a little blog called The Healthy Maven. I sat down at the desk in my bedroom in my parents basement and after months of trying to get the perfect name, perfect theme, perfect logo I hit “publish” on my first post. From there I’d begin a love affair with this space that would grow from a deep passion project to my career.
Many of you would join me as I celebrated my 100th post, quit my full-time job, moved across the country and got engaged. I’d talk about my struggles with body image, exercise addiction and how I’m finding balance in my work and personal life. It’s been a whirlwind to say the least but what I know for certain is that hitting publish was single-handedly the best decision I made for my life.
So when I get asked the question “is blogging dead?”, you better bet I’m giving it a lot of thought! To be fair, this is usually coming from my non-blogger friends though I have heard it happen in blogger groups too. There are certainly a lot of takes on the argument, but today I’ll be giving you mine.
IS BLOGGING DEAD?
Yes and no. Blogging what it was 5 years ago is dead. It’s no longer about just posting your weekend recap and daily escapades. Those things are fun and still valuable but it’s increasingly hard to sustain your passion AND business with this model. Not because people aren’t interested (trust me- our creepy need to stalk other people’s lives isn’t going anywhere!) but because there are other platforms to do that. If you still love doing that, do it – but it will be challenging if you decide to turn this passion into a business. But from a personal standpoint, if you just want to share your creative passion with the world, please please do it!
Now let’s discuss it from a business perspective. If you want to turn your passion into a career, it can’t just be about what makes you happy (though that matters a fair deal!), it also matters what makes other people happy and brings value to their lives. When it comes to creating valuable long-form content: things like recipes, nutrition information, DIYs, self-care tips and well beyond the scope of the wellness space, this stuff is becoming increasingly important. The barrier to entry these days is that there’s a baseline level of quality that needs to be met before you can gain any kind of community. This is a good thing. This weeds out people who are simply producing content for views but don’t do their research or have poorly tested recipes. Bad blogging is dead…hopefully!
From my personal perspective, I haven’t seen huge number drops or anything like that. I’ve seen my audience diversify in how they take in their media. Some prefer video, others prefer podcasts and some people, like you, read the blog. Does this mean blogging is dead? Definitely not. It just means you need to be aware that people use different platforms to take in their information…because there are so many different platforms out there! Blogging isn’t going anywhere – people are just picking and choosing their preferred mediums to take in media and I think this is a good thing!
SHOULD I STILL START A BLOG?
Oh my god yes. YES YES YES. I can’t even tell you how many people have asked me if it’s still worth starting a blog. When I started THM I didn’t in a million years think it would ever make money, let alone become my career. In many ways I think that’s why it was successful. I had zero expectations of it having any success. I truly believe that because I wasn’t grasping for something and instead found joy in each moment of the process it manifested into a career. This is what is so hard for new bloggers now – there’s just so much comparison of where you are to where you want to be. Blogging has taught me so many life skills, professional skills and become my creative outlet. It’s also connected me to the most incredible people around the world. If your sole goal is to make money or gain ‘followers’, I’m sure you could do it, but truthfully you need a level of passion and commitment to blogging even when you feel like no one is reading and you definitely aren’t making any money…because you won’t….for a long time.
So should you still start a blog? Yes! But do it for you. Allow yourself to explore and learn the ropes. Don’t expect you can do everything off the bat or that you need a perfectly designed website before you can share. It took me 4 years to get the web design of my dreams! Be patient, work hard and love what you do.
CAN’T I JUST USE SOCIAL MEDIA?
Sure, why not! I’m not here to tell you what you can and cannot do. But if I had to be honest with you, I would say that social media should be second in command to your blog. One of the benefits of being a blogger before social media got as big as it is (Instagram especially) is that I learned how to build long-form content that is valuable to my readers (all of you). I learned not only how to use this place as my own personal form of therapy, but also how to provide useful tips, tricks, recipes and DIYs that could help you guys lead a healthier lifestyle. Social media was simply a marketing tool to get the word out.
As more and more people start Instagram accounts, I sadly watch as they complain about the algorithm and beg people to turn on notifications. Sure, I’d love for the stupid algorithms to be gone, but my business and my passion doesn’t live in those places. I need marketing to promote my content, but I’ve spent years building up valuable posts that can be found without social media at all. SEO, email lists, those things are SO important and have a shelf-life that lasts longer than a single Instagram image. Any blogger will say the same. So does that mean you should ignore social media? No way. But really figure out what your priorities are. Do you want to share random snippets of your life to inspire people? Instagram might be your jam. Do you want to give long-form nutrition tips or recipes? Blog your heart out. Different goals require different means. Figure out what yours are and then determine how you should be spending your time.
YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED:
I asked you guys on Instagram (a great use of social media!) to share some questions you have about blogging. I thought I’d tackle them here today.
How do I start a blog?
The #1 question I got and I won’t be answering it here! Some of you may remember that a couple of years ago Lee and I started The Blogger Project to help answer beginner blogger questions like “how do I start a blog?”, “how do I pick a theme?” etc… so head over there and start here if you’re just beginning.
How do you set yourself apart in an increasingly saturated market?
BE YOURSELF. I know it’s so cliche, but trust me you will attract the tribe you’re meant to attract if you present yourself exactly as you are. Don’t second guess everything or constantly be trying to emulate someone else. Don’t compare. The world is big enough for all of its abundance and that includes your blog and the blogger behind it. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that people just want to connect with people. So be that person to someone. And eventually that someone will be a lot of people.
Do you need a niche?
Yes and no. For your first year of blogging, I’d be open to exploring a lot of different topics. You don’t want to corner yourself into an idea where 6 months later you hate it and give up blogging entirely. Sometimes it’s the topic that’s challenging and not blogging itself. Give yourself permission to explore and find what you’re passionate about. That being said, from a business perspective it’s helpful to be known for something. I became known as a food blogger, which helped get my business off the ground but didn’t necessarily attract the audience I really wanted – i.e. the people who care about healthy food and all other aspects of health as well! What I didn’t realize was that health and wellness is a niche in and of itself. Don’t feel like your niche has to be super narrow. I just wouldn’t necessarily start a blog that is about cat bonnet knitting and dehydrated foods. It’s a little too all over the place!
Where do you find new inspiration?
GO OUT AND LIVE! I always tell people “I blog about my life but I don’t live for the blog”. THM is a big piece of my life, but it isn’t everything. It took me a while to get there but I now see so much value in not working. It gives me space to breathe, allows for fresh ideas to flow and brings inspiration to my blog simply from living in the world around me. Also, go with the flow. If you’re working on something that isn’t inspiring you, switch to something else. I used to do a ton of seasonal/holiday recipes but I realized that what inspires me most is the everyday, easy-to-make recipes that don’t require strange ingredients. It’s fun to get creative but sometimes simple is best.
How do I transition from a hobby to a business?
This is a loaded question but my first piece of advice is that “no one will tell you that you’ve officially become a business”. If you want to run a business, run a business. It’s as simple as flipping that switch in your mind. You’re as legitimate as you believe you are so don’t seek others permission for your success. Beyond this, make sure you understand your value. Even if you don’t have huge numbers, perhaps your strong suit is photography or you’re an expert in a certain area and you consult. Think outside the box when it comes to your business.
How do you gain readership, followers and viewers?
If I had a dollar for every skype chat/consulting sessions/DM I received about this topic I would be rich. Truthfully, I don’t think there’s a secret sauce. The blogging industry and everything that goes with it is changing constantly and with that you need to have a deep understanding of the needs of your audience, no matter what size it is. My main message to you is to focus less on how many but who they are. How can you best serve them? What kind of community are you building? More numbers doesn’t mean more business. Most of my brand work comes in before they’ve even seen my numbers. What is visible to them is how much I care about my audience and ensuring they receive valuable and helpful information. Focus less on the pretty picture and more on what your message is. Be honest with that message and let people connect with you.
Do I need to do video? What about podcasting?
I think this is up to you! When I first started out you were a blogger or a youtuber or maybe a podcaster. You weren’t all three! These days, the game is different and there’s obvious advantages to tapping into each. That being said, what resonates most with you? If you’re not comfortable in front of the camera, try “tasty-style” videos. If you don’t have the time to produce video, focus on blogging. If photography is not your thing, try podcasting! I don’t think you need to do everything and especially if it means sacrificing quality. Focus on what you love and what you WANT to learn more about. Not what you feel you HAVE to learn more about.
For more blogging tips, check out these posts:
What I Wish Everyone Knew About Sponsored Posts
My #1 Piece of Business Advice
How I Found a Better Work-Life Balance
* * * * *
Lastly, thank you to EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.OF.YOU who has come along for this journey this past 5 years. I’m eternally grateful for your support and I hope I’ve done you proud in the privilege you’ve given me to have this platform. Whether my business disappeared tomorrow, I know I’d still keep doing it because I absolutely love it. The past 5 years have blown by because of this passion and my only wish is that all of you have found or will find something that you care this much about. So much love to you all!
-Davida
Did I miss any of your questions? Do you think blogging is dead?
Photos courtesy of Bettina Bogar
The post Is Blogging Dead? And A Few Other Nuggets of Wisdom For New Bloggers appeared first on The Healthy Maven.
from News About Health https://www.thehealthymaven.com/2018/02/is-blogging-dead.html
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diary
BOREDOME by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener
I don't know what I identify as
I don't want to identify
I don't want to know
I want to escape this story
I want to be abstract artwork
December 19th 2017 12:07 AM
ONLY INSPIRATION
priorities for tomorrow:
edit photos
take new photos of different necklace colors
write setlist
eat well
be friendly
transfer item listings
December 19th 2017 12:15 AM
*
January 9th 2018
Mold growing under the rubber and above the concrete, my face itches, my whole body aches, and the mold is just there, not really bothering anything immediately but my face itches, and now my whole body aches, because i can't take it.
Sarah Mount
Timi Kendrix
Nova Luz
Doo Dah Beasties
January 17th 2018 7:35 AM
i want there to be a turning point, that i no longer thing about Jonathan as if he is a prop for me to live out my fantasies on. As if they are no longer someone i need to prove my worth on, the canvas i use for my own selfish gains. what the fuck is going on with me?
I can't stop thinking about them, It's like i want a problem, it's like i want to be hurt, i want my heart ripped out, but it never comes, because he won't outright reject me, but he won't come and get me either, maybe because i didn't ask them to yet? this desire in my head to see myself as desirable through jonathan's perspective holds the same weight as my desire to be in music. It's like theres this childlike part of me that is SO DETERMINED to see this happen. see what happen? I'm really confused as to what I want to be honest. this has been going on for years. first of all, i don't know if they really understand that. Because i felt like this before i actually met them. and what did you see when you went to go find them? i didn't see. but after when i already knew where they were,
i don't know i just see the same surging waves of green and blue and red in my heart, it kind of hurts but the more i look at it squarely the more i realize that it isn't real pain. this is one of the most consuming and exhilarating things i have ever felt in my life. I wonder what jonathatn would think if i said that to them. part of this is making me realize that i am truly very isolated here, even though i live in a big city and i even go out and do things, it's always been something with me that i coped with stress by isolating myself. I can see where i got it.
so what do i actually want? maybe i would feel better if i figured that out first, because i am going in all different directions, and some of them aren't even enjoyable so i better stop. what do i want?
i want jonathan to be my long-term partner
what really? are you sure? why? are you sure about that? nah you're making it up.
no i'm not
what?
I want jonathan to be my long-term partner
okay so i think i might actually want that because if i came up with that in my head that means it has to at least partially be true, and if i'm being honest with myself, in my daydreams and fantasies, that's always what i see. I see us being together for a long time. the only thing right now is that… I don't really know what they're like. I can't say i really know them very well, and I don't really know what being witht them long-term would be like. Do i want to live with them? maybe if i'm honest about what i want, i will be able to move forward and potentially get what i want. hah. i'm a rat snake
do i want to live with them? yeah kind of. what? how am i ever going to fully admit that's what i wanted the whole time? i guess i just did
that's what i wanted from duke, and that's what i want from jonathan now. I want to sleep with them and fuck them because i think if i do that's how you become in a couple. but i don't want to have sex with them for a bunch of reasons
1. am jealous of whoever else they're fucking
2. very jealous
3. so jealous
4. aside from feeling jealous and hateful, I don't see them, and i don't see them because i don't trust them, and i don't trust them because i don't trust myself, and i don't trust myself because i have never seen a world that actually benefitted me instead of hurt me.
I am pushing them away when i see them because i insist that everything go my way or else i don't' want anything at all. but then i reel sad afterwards because i want to be with them still. i don't want to have sex with anyone until they have passed, like, a 3-date threshold. i can define it visually in my mind but words are hard at the moment. not dates because, i don't really go on dates or get taken on dates. that made me kind of mad i think i want to be.
*
wednesday january 24 2018 5:49 AM
I remembered the day and the year. i have things i want to say to you again.
it keeps running through my head! I'm sorry i think i told you too much.
i just think i told you too much
9:07 AM
the more i think about this, the commoner it gets, its so basic, i regret it but i'm glad i did it, i wish it was different and i wish i didn't need to lash out and i wish it was different, i wish i didn't tneed to tell you that but i guess i did, i guess i forgot, i guess i needed someone to worry
i talk a big game but i have nothing to show. this is one letter i wrote but i don't' think i'm gonna send it because i just want to write about how bad i feel i feel pretty bad to be honest with you. i don't know where the charger for my phone is. pretty sure i'm addicted to weed. this is going away. its going a way.
okay but
why did i feel it was necessary to tell jonathan i was molested and had an eating disorder? why did i feel that was necessary? it almost feels like i span out of control and had no control over what i was doing because i've been wanting him to read my diary for so long. i think i could have really been fine without the last past and part of my letter, my last ghost, but i guess i just wanted him to know. i've never felt so uncertain for as long as i can remember, i really hope i get somewhere, i really hope to be different one casually waiting day, the minutes tick by and the sun shines, i lie back, relaxing, writing, knowing that it could all be different and i
'd probably feel the same
why did i think that was necessary? the words anorexia and bulimia keep replaying in my head with the memories of vomiting. i want him to accept me, i want someone to accept me, he still feels the same way about me i feel like i didn't really get anywhere. this is this is this is this is too early to define but i'm pretty certain, I'm scared I'm not in the running cause i'm not fucking them, but he kissed me on the cheek and messaged me the next day, i wish i could lay down in the feeling of him kissing me on the cheek. i must be so meek compared to more people most other people. i don't know. just a kiss on the cheek. i want 10 more
why do i care? why do i still want him? i'm passionately obsessed. teal swan said that when you're that obsessive over someone, it's because you recognize the qualities of the good side of your parents. i feel like my complex involves cross hatching between the genders, its not flipped and reverse but i have the complex coming from both sides. like, my mom and my dad.
since i really want to actually understand why I'm acting like things i'm going to analyze it based on that oedipus complex theory since i don't know what else to go off of.
so i recognize all the qualities i loved in my parents in jonathan. what about jonathan do i like?
i like how he plays guitar
i like how he sings and writes songs
those don't relate to my parents? i guess thats more about myself
i like how caring and kind and accepting he is
i like how knowledgeable about music he is
this doesn't feel like an oedipus complex. am i missing the connection?
WHY DID I TELL HIM ABOUT HAVING AN EATING DISORDER
why i am regretting that, while knowing that i ALWAYS want to talk about having an eating disorder. i don't understand. i guess i should just talk about having an eating disorder in general. i obviously want to. I'm kind of sorry i subjected jonathan to that. like how could he have known thats what i was going to write? thats kind of like, emotional enslavement. i feel bad but i don't think apologizing would feel good cause i don't. i think jonathan is ok with me having done that
but it definitely didn't make them fall in love with me
is that what i want? i'm getting a yes and a no at the same time
yes because please he feels so good everything about him feels so good please never leave me i am obsessed this must have something to do with my parents
no because this must have something to do with my parents, i really just want to be a jazz musician, but i keep hanging out in brooklyn because i'm uneducated, i really just want to be a jazz musician, and a punk musician, and a musician, and a singer
no because i'm intimidated by them dating other women, i'm honestly just spinning away, maybe i missed my chance to tell them i wanted to be in a monogamous relationship, maybe my chance is right around the corner, maybe we would be okay in an open relationship, maybe not really but i can fake it. maybe the perfect chance is around the corner and it doesn't involve jonathan, despite my obsession, when am i going to let it go? everything i'm doing probably it if i do everything to try to avoid what i don't what, i'm just going to make what i want. so WHY am i obsessed again? what does any of this have to do with? the last person i felt like this about was either duke or michael. jonathan kind of, has his shit together more.
i feel stupid but
i guess i just was going to interpret anything they said as however i wanted it to be. when really the truth is they're just trying to be friendly. internal laughter. as long as he's near me. i have a new chance with him every day but i never take it, i'm too busy thinking about my own life. why is this feeling so complicated, why do i have to go through this alone? when is this going to end?
how do you really feel about polyamory/open relationships?
i think emotional polyamory is normal and healthy and sexual polyamory can also be, potentially. i'm intimidated by the other mates. i think i want to be on top. i woke up with digestive complaint today
how could anyone love a girl so
boring
at the bottom of this is a feeling of self-loathing. god. maybe if i can get someone worthwhile to love me i'd be worth it. fuck me. why do i have to go through this feeling alone? fuck this. i need a friend. i need jonathan. i can never have you i can never have you okay nova keep thinking that. i think that. i think i can never. i help help me i said this i wish i could take it back. i wish i could take it back but cant and it doesn't even make sense to take it back cause it's the truth, i wish i lived in another reality but the truth is my obsession had only been slightly ameliorated
i'm still here, the fire in my own belly.
i can kind of internally understand the connection between my parents and duke and michael
maybe i'm just taking it way too far. i always wanted to talk about my eating disorder. i have a persistent urge to be vocal about it, i can say from experience my feelings are always super valid and usually psychic
my band needs to practice more but we need a spot. so for now i guess i'm going solo again because…damn brendan needs something.
i am asking the universe for a few things at the moment. it works best when i focus on one at a time. and they all naturally go in the order of importance that i perceive to be correct.
but today i'm going to hopefully set a big intention, asking for the answer to this easy question:
why am i so obsessed with jonathan?
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His Side
I spoke to him. I didn't want to. But maybe I needed it. The letter he sent to me about coming over said I could call and leave voicemail if I needed anything. I called. He answered. I should have hung up. I spoke. I thought I'd talk plants first and then demand my things he took it would go better. Instead he yelled at me and hung up on me. He was filled with rage.
His rage shook me and frightened me anew. It scared me so much I left the apartment almost 2 hours early just to make sure I wasn't here when he arrived. Then when I was doing my errands in town I was always looking over my shoulder making sure he wasn't there.
I thought for a while about that rage. Why was he angry with me? What the heck did I do to him? He might be arrested, but I doubt it. They saw his weed, saw that he attacked me, know what happened, and they've done nothing. They won't do anything. I never laid my hands on my husband. I didn't take anything from him. I might be displacing him for a few weeks, but then he gets his apartment back like nothing happened at all. He's in fact not out anything, but has gained a bunch of my stuff I'm not taking that he's using. He benefits from it.
But he doesn't look at it that way. He doesn't see what he did to me, because the world revolves around him. I know how I feel about what happened. I know what he said and how I felt. But to hear him tell it then you'd never pair us up together. My husband confuses things, takes them out of context, and twists things into something else entirely. Even if I can provide solid proof otherwise, he'll believe he's right and scream at you as a manipulator when you prove him wrong.
A simple example of how he works can been seen with food. He will buy something for himself at the store. I will put away the groceries including his special treat. Later he'll remember it and go look for it. If it's not right there in the front he can't find it. He'll then yell at me for eating it. I'll get up and show it to him and he'll laugh. He doesn't apologize to me for yelling at me though. Later if I try to remind of him being wrong about it as an example for something current then he'll say I'm trying to manipulate him.
Another example of this was a recent fight where he said I never supported him in his writing goals once we got married. Of this fact he was adamant. I only needed to open the door to the living room to prove otherwise. On his monitor are post its encouraging him and little toy medals to help him celebrate word goals. I used to give them to him all the time, well right up until he got me shoved away into the bedroom and started lying about what he was doing in the living room. But before that, he would have bet his life that I never did a single thing to emotionally support him.
Every argument was filled with these things. I snatched his birthday money out of his hand even though it was Christmas money to the both of us and he handed me the card to open. I manipulated him into marrying him even though I was going to get back to together with my ex and he strongly objected and came after me again breaking us up for good. Before I came out to see him I made him date other people to be sure. And yet, I manipulated him.
So from his perspective I'm a monster. He believes I have borderline personality disorder, am stupid, have anger and aggression issues, am prone to be abusive to the disabled, steal mail, manipulate, betrayed him, sponge off him, control, am highly critical, and everything I do is an attack on him. I am the enemy.
More complaints are about how I never leave the apartment, refuse to go out with him, refuse to do anything with him, am fat, stupid (yeah he liked to drill that in), mean, mental, laughed at him, have abandonment issues, constantly interrupted his concentration, embarrassed him by always catching him masturbating, was just too slow to keep up with his superior train of thought by not being able to read his mind, and ruined his life. Oh yeah, and I didn't register with a GP, that was a huge complaint of his, one I didn't understand until after the attack. He had said he didn't want a "dead chick" in his apartment. I understand that now to be he didn't care about me he just didn't want me to die in the apartment and have to call the police to come.
Depression makes it hard to do things sometimes. I go through periods where I can't sleep more than an hour or two at a time. Other times I sleep all the time. Showering, brushing my hair, basically taking care of yourself becomes very difficult. I couldn't. I didn't. I let everything go. I'd tell myself that I would do it, but then I wouldn’t. It went beyond a procrastination or general laziness. It just became too much to do. Because of this he called me disgusting, said he had no use for me, and he was finished with me.
He was mad because he was in a sexless marriage. It's mostly true. I refused him the last two times he asked. That's how many times he's asked in the last probably 2 to 3 years. He's addicted to porn so he really liked that better anyway. He said it was just so much easier because then he didn't have to be bothered with negotiations and talking to me. I'm pretty sure he was hiring prostitutes so not sure if his side of the marriage was all that sexless though. But I refused those last two times. Absolutely.
His own words were that he wanted to marry me because I could keep him organized, help him with his medications, encourage him with his writing, edit for him, be a secretary for him, and do his errands. He didn't want a wife he wanted a partner, as he said. So I've been a huge failure to him. Be warned all. I just suck. I steal mail! Down with me.
But here's the thing, dear husband, even if half that were true I still didn't tackle you. I didn't put my foot through the closet door. I don't break things constantly slamming them around out of frustration. I don't have a chain on my keys so I can wrap the chain around my fist if someone ticks me off. I haven't gotten in a physical fight since I was 5. I didn't keep you from calling the police when you were scared and needed help. I didn't imprison you in the apartment when you wanted to leave. I didn't put you in a choke hold, twice. I didn't scream that I was going to kill you. I didn't leave you with bruises all over your body. I didn't lock you out. And I didn't even try to defend myself against you while you were attacking me. Say what you want about me. At least you can't tell anyone I laid a hand on you.
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