september 7th, 2019

the worst thing about being woth someone who is broken is that i’ll always start to feel like they’re only with me because they’re lonely. or they dont want to look for anyone better than me. or they’re with me BECAUSE im also broken. i fear that they are just settling with me because im easy to get to. but i dont want to be settled on. i want someone to settle with. i dont want someone to be with me because im vulnerable and open up easy. i want someone to fight for me. i have a problem w falling for people too quickly, i have crushes on everyone. so when broken people start to hint that they like me i dive in deep and then they’re just with me bc im easy & cure their lonliness. but they’ll never really love me. or find me attractive. idk. i just want to fall in love for real.

july 29th, 2019

As I was pulling in my driveway after work, I was thinking that maybe I have PTSD or something. I really do get stressed, bothered, and anxious/panicky when certain things/scenarios are brought up. Idk, I just think I’m extremely fucked up from the whole year of 2018 and anything prior with Johnny and Damian. Life fucked me up. SO badly. idk it’s like i just constantly think of johnny and i cant stop talking about him and im so fucking wrecked from it. 

johnny was my best friend who died of a heroin overdose in july of last year. he was 20. we’ve been friends since 2011 or 12. he was a huge part of my life from november 2017 until his death. we hung out all the time, i was one of the only people there for him during the last 8 months of his life. his family was never there for him except for his nana and brother eric, his mom pretended to be there for a while, but she likes to pretend & show off for her family. johnny’s best friend anthony (and a good friend of mine) was in prison for 2 years (out in may), but supported him after he got released. johnnys only other “real” friends were damian and tay. both of them would supply johnny w drugs. not good people or friends. tay is homeless now, and a panhandler. damian is supposedly clean, but played a part in fucking me up and johnny’s family suspects he was involved in johnny’s death, so damian and i dont talk anymore. i was crushing on him hard last spring & summer. but i was in love w johnny. damian and i met through johnny when johnny had a stroke in january 2018. idk why im so into drug addicts. sometimes i want to be one, i just want to use drugs to feel better. i think they would work, but i don’t want to ruin my life, nd i dont have the will or self control enough to regulate my usage, so i dont fuck with drugs. i miss johnny but his and damian’s friendship used to negatively affect me really badly. they would coerce me into taking them to pickups, use around me/in front of me, and always use me for rides and attemptedly money, but i never gave them it. every time i hung out with them, they were fucked up. it hurt, and now i’m fucked up. i drink alot, but i think a lot of that is because of casey (my alcoholic ex boyfriend), but idk. i dont know why i do the things i do. i guess my nerves are just horrible and i dont know where to turn to to find a way out. ha. “my nerves are bad” johnny’s famous fucking line he used to excuse his heroin use. 

I always know when people are bullshitting me if they use that line, thanks to johnny, yet i use that line all the fucking time to excuse my own actions. no, i don’t use heroin, but I do stupid shit to cope. mostly just shutting down, acting out, being mean, being... not myself. but i always just shrug it off as having bad nerves, because that’s all johnny used to say when he wanted my weed or started using again. and i believed it. i felt for him. i had so much sympathy, so now i know others will feel the same for me. but its a bullshit ass excuse. truth is, i dont know why i do the things i do, but people let it slide so easily if i blame my nerves and anxiety, maybe it is my nerves and anxiety. idon’t fucking know. at least im not cutting myself anymore.

the last time i cut myself was 2017 i think. i dont keep track anymore because that was always a trigger. i think about cutting all the time, but i dont do it because i hate my scars, im afraid i cant hide it anymore, and i just dont want to go back to that place. truthfully, i’m so much worse off now than i was when i was self harming. i used to pretend to be really really depressed and suicidal, for attention or love or to be “cool” or whatever. but now, as an adult, i’m well aware that it isnt cool to be depressed and the suicidal thoughts are scary. i dont want to die i just want this pain to fucking go away. i want to start cutting myself again, but i’m too scared. i want to start doing drugs, but i’m too scared. scared i’ll cut too deep, scared i’ll get addicted or go too far. i’m a scared ass little bitch now. i think my anxiety is worse than it has ever been. 

at this point i realize im rambling, but fuck it feels good to ramble. i’m glad im getting this all off my chest.

i want to be medicated again, but this time with something that works. valium gave me a weird reation, i want to try xanax i think. even weed makes me sick. valium barely made me feel any different, but the difference that was noticeable was the feeling of heightened anxiety and a faster heart rate. adverse reaction, it scared me. maybe xanax could work tho. but i dont want to get addicted and i dont trust myself not to misuse them for a high. 

ok. i’m tired of typing. it’s time to go to bed so i can wake up, get an oil change, and pack for up north. night guys

July 29th, 2019

hi. i haven’t posted anything in a long time, i’ve been busy & was waiting to have access to a computer again so i can type easier. this is going to be messy, regardless, because i’m typing fast and i don’t really care to go back and fix my grammar, but anyways, i’m back on here since i fixed my laptop, so here goes it. 

I know I didn’t even need to explain myself as much as I did, because I don’t have followers/really anybody reading this blog, but I do it for myself. I think it’s kind of unhealthy to be that concerned about others’ opinions and thoughts when I’m positive no one is even around/watching/reading. But yeah. I care anyways. I think its just a lot of insecurity or whatever. The whole point of me creating this blog and coming back to tumblr after this 2/3 year hiatus was to be able to type out everything in a vicinity where no one is necessarily paying attention even though they have the potential to be. I don’t really WANT to be seen, but it’s honestly comforting knowing that it is out there and that someone else CAN see it. I’m trying to make talking about my mental health more comfortable, but I fear everyone’s judgment. I don’t want anyone close to me to know. 

I did link my spotify and “finsta” to my blog though, so anyone reading this: feel free to check those out. I guess that could “out” me to any irls, but it’s unlikely they will ever find this account. On the off chance that you are an irl, I know this blog is probably uncomfortable to be reading, but just read, if you want to, and get to know what happens in my head better. all I ask is that you don’t bring any of this up to me. I don’t want to answer questions or talk about what’s on this blog. I am not changing any names, if I’m comfortable enough to name you in a post, so if I’m talking about you, fucking fix it I guess. 

This blog is going to be nothing but raw and real feelings I have. Whether they’re fucked up or not. I have a lot of horrible thoughts that pop into my head, wishing things upon people that i shouldn’t, or thinking about hurting others or myself. I guess that’s just part of being mentally ill. 

In conclusion, this is my fucking blog and I’ll say what I want to. It’s going to be messy. It’s going to be fucked up and repetitive and whatever else, but remember you don’t have to read it. I’m not expecting you to. Thanks for reading this far if you did. I think that’s enough for this post. Another one about my day is to come. See ya. 

june 26, 2019

its my best friend’s bday and we’re going to a concert and im so fucking depressed and she told me to cheer up... sorry im fucking emotionally destroyed and have no confidence left

June 6th, 2019

it’s 3:38 pm and i’m supposed to be to work at 4. only takes about 8 minutes to get there but i’m not dressed yet either. decided to make a post instead. i dont want to use tags (at least not yet) because i don’t care whether or not these posts reach “the real world” i just need to get these thoughts out into MY world. the worst feeling to me is to not be able to pinpoint what is wrong, or what my symptoms are, or anything. my mind feels blank but also feels like it’s racing, and that’s so hard to process. come to think of it, i’m constantly stuck feeling two completely opposite sides of many spectrums. im always happy and fucking miserable, i’m always stable and unstable, i’m always high and low, always up and down, always fast & slow it’s exhausting because i just want to be in one spot, not all over the place. it’s tiring. AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT’S WRONG. or right. I CANT PINPOINT AN EXACT FEELING SO I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN WHATS GOING ON TO ANYBODY. i will never find help for this! and i think its mania but i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont fucking know what it is. and through manymanymany sessions with like 5/6 different mental health “professionals” through the past 7 years, NO ONE can tell me anything otger than depression or anxiety, which recently they’ve stopped saying depression, because i’m not depressed anymore. i m not depressed. but anxious as all hell always but maybe it isnt anxiety and its mania instead but i’ll never REALLY know what it is because nobody INCLUDING myself can figure it out. it’s exhausting.

okay. 3:44, i have to get ready to go.

small hands // keaton henson

Bipolar disorder is fucking horrible it’s not just “oh I’m happy one minute I’m angry the next!” it’s literally hell let me tell you some shit:

Bipolar is getting excited and going on manic shopping sprees only to then regret everything you’ve purchased, and now you’ve lost interest in everything you’ve bought

Bipolar is suddenly crying for no reason, and when people ask you what’s wrong, your lack of understanding only makes things worse

Bipolar is suddenly becoming very passionate about a project, idea, or even person and then spending a long period of time obsessing over it only to suddenly lose interest

Bipolar is a messy bedroom cluttered unfinished projects and guilt

Bipolar is accidentally becoming too emotional around friends or loved ones and scaring them, pushing them away when all you wanted was to bring them closer

Bipolar is not having any set group of close friends, due to the paranoia of them talking behind your back about your episodes

Bipolar is lying on the cold bathroom floor in a friend’s house or unfamiliar place trying to calm down because you’re too afraid to have an episode in front of other people

Bipolar is being afraid to show your emotions because you know if you open up to someone, you might start crying or panicking

Bipolar is making too many promises during your manic states that can’t be delivered when you’re down and depressed, leaving many to think you’re “flaky”

Bipolar is not knowing if you’re reacting appropriately or overreacting to a situation because you’ve never had a “normal” emotional scale

Bipolar is having no one taking your disorder seriously, including your parents, who may or may not still think you’re just experiencing mood swings

June 5th, 2019

it’s been a long time since i’ve had a blog here. years. but, i need an outlet. i’ve been needing an outlet and i havent had one in way too long. i want to take care if myself. i tried journaling, but i don’t always have my journal with me. i’m without it more often than not, actually. typing my thoughts into the notes in my phone is nice, but it doesn’t always suffice. this account is not a cry for help, but it’s more comforting knowing that maybe, possibly, someone is reading this. anyone. a stranger. and they will see that i’m here and i’m alive and i’m trying, but also know that yes. i am struggling. i’ll make it, i’m not too worried that i won’t. i used to be. but i’ve grown stronger. i’m okay. but these thoughts still get to me.

so if you’re reading this, welcome. and i’m sorry. this is me.