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sublimecatgalaxy · 2 years

Note

Steve Harrington and Eddie Munson fighting for the readers attention and love, possibly with two different endings for each?

I thought it was a really cool concept and who better than you to make it happen!

This is....I love it.

Warnings: mentions of sex and drugs, swearing, spicy shit, overall slowburn between both relationships.

Word Count: 6,100 words guys. 6.1k. This is 6.1k. I think this was actually worth the wait lmao.

READ THE FOLLOWING A/N.

A/n: I'll post this and see what you guys think. In the comments PLEASE PLEAS PLEASE let me know if I should write the Eddie ending or Steve ending first. Also this is non-canon.

It's not that often where the two men that I'm in love with, and have been in love with, both have feelings for me. I spent weeks, months, crying over the thought of having to choose between them, knowing I would end up hurting one of them over the other. And I just couldn't fathom leading them on or hurting them, so, Dustin Henderson of all people came up with the idea that they would 'duel' over me.

The agreement was simple in the beginning.

Eddie was immediately happy, it completely peaked his interest and was right up his alley when it comes to winning over women. But Steve was confused. Of course he wanted to fight for me but he didn't physically want to fight, especially with his track record of getting the shit beat out of him.

So, Dustin laid out the plans.

Both of them would have a week to give it all they had. They weren't allowed to kiss me or make any physical, sexual, advances and they could only use their words to win me over- their stellar personalities. And at first, I thought that it was going to be easy, that one of them would stick out to me more and have better boyfriend material but fuck.

They're both just-

Perfect. They're perfect, wholesome, attractive, sensitive; everything.

And that's what makes it so hard.

Day 1:

My eyes pick a spot on my ceiling of my car, my mind trying to distract myself as I buck up the courage to go inside, knowing the kids are waiting for me. Twenty minutes late isn't a good look on me, especially when I've taken over as babysitter of the group, taking the boys back and forth from Hellfire Club whenever they needed.

But with the ongoing 'duel' and Eddie being revved up inside, awaiting my arrival- I'm not going to lie, it terrifies me. It's as if I'm seeing him in a new light now that he's gone above and beyond trying to get my attention since the moment I woke up. First it was the flowers on my front step, a small note with a smiley face on it, immediately making my heart explode with excitement. Second, it was the call I got about an hour and a half later, making sure I got the flowers and loved them 'as much as he thought I would'.

I never thought I was a flower type of person but apparently I am.

But, it was odd, because its radio silence on the Harrington side today.

There's been no calls, no impromptu visits or gifts. He's been relatively quiet which is weird considering who he is. Knowing him, he's at work and Keith is actually there for once, keeping him from the phone and keeping him from going on break. So all he's able to do is game plan with Robin and if there's one person I trust to give Steve romantic advice, it's Robin.

My feet carry me through the halls as I make my way up to their room, hearing the cheering and yelling from inside. I can only hope that they won, putting everyone in a good mood along with Eddie. Pushing open the door, it squeaks, capturing the attention of the people inside as they all turn to look at me. The smiles on their faces only grow as I smile to myself, chuckling quietly as Eddie claps his hands.

"Yes! You're just in time!" He cheers, waving me over as I wave at Dustin, giggling at the wink he throws my way. I step up to Eddie's side as he adjusts himself in his 'throne', his chin tilting to look up at me with a bright grin. "We won the campaign!" He giggles proudly as he claps once more, turning back to his friends with a proud grin.

"Well good, then I don't have to hear them complain all the way home." I snort, catching the eye rolls from the teens to my left, my hand reaching out to shove Mike playfully. "Maybe that even warrants ice cream... I don't know." I shrug nonchalantly but Mike, Lucas and Dustin are all immediately on their feet, happy and appreciative expressions on their faces.

"Damn, I want ice cream." Eddie huffs, my lips fanning out into a smirk and I shrug.

"That really sucks, doesn't it?" I whisper, reaching forward to pat his cheek playfully as his jaw drops. "It's weird, it's almost like you have a very pretty girl to ask out on an ice cream date and you're not taking that opportunity." His eyes widen but he nods excitedly, out of his seat in seconds, tripping as he makes his way to stand in front of me, towering over my frame.

"Get with it, man!" Dustin hisses, a cackle leaving me as I reach out to smack his arm. Eddie just places his hands on my upper arms, looking down at me. "No physical contact, Eds-"

"You said sexual contact, Henderson, this is not sexual yet!" Eddie yells, not bothering to move his hands, my head tipping back in a fit of giggles and the men around me laugh. "How about, I go with you, they sit at a different table, and I pay?" He offers breathlessly, brows pulled together in desperation as I pat his chest.

"With your drug money?" I tease but he just shakes his head with a smirk, tutting quietly at me.

"Yes, the drug money from the rich white people- exploit the rich." He wraps an arm around my shoulder without another word, nodding the children on as I hold my keys out to Eddie who takes them without a second thought.

When we're all fine and settled in our booths, one milkshake in between Eddie and I with two straws, my smile only grows. His hands rest on the table in front of me, my own fingers itching to reach out and play with the chunky rings that fit perfectly around his digits. You wanna know where else those fingers would fit?

"This is awfully romantic, Munson, I'll give you that." I chuckle, leaning forward to take a sip of the chocolate milkshake, his eyes watching my lips wrap prettily around the straw.

"I try my best." He shrugs with a gentle blush, his eyes avoiding mine as I grin. "So, what did you do today?" Oh other than fantasize about two guys who are both in love with me? I giggle, concealing my thoughts that want to slip from my obviously dirty mind, shrugging my shoulders playfully.

"Not Steve." I wink and he immediately nods, sitting up a little bit straighter as he points at me proudly.

"Good girl." Fuck. My insides twist at the subtle praise, my lip tugging between my teeth as I bite back a shuddered breath. "Yeah, I knew you were a 'good girl' type'a chick." He snorts, taking a long sip from the milkshake as I gawk at him.

"Nothing sexual, Eds." He rolls his eyes at my chastising tone, a wicked smirk spread across his lips that I want nothing more than to kiss.

"Dustin said no physical sexual advances. He never specified dirty talk." He winks, my thighs clenching and I continue to bite at my lip, knowing that this is not going to be an easy week for me.

But if it's not going to be an easy week for me, then I'm gonna make it even harder for them.

Day 2:

Stirring in my bed, my back thumps against the mattress as I flip over for the millionth time, my head spinning with thoughts about the date early on but also about my lack of contact with Steve. It bothered me, sure, but it also worried me that I went the whole day without hearing from him.

Grabbing my phone off of my bedside table, I toss it into my lap and immediately begin to slide in Steve's numbers, anxious butterflies swirling around in my stomach at the thought of him picking up, voice all groggy from sleep. But as the first line rings, my head shakes, hands slamming the phone down onto the base with a huff.

Why the hell am I so nervous?

I've known Steve for years, longer than I've even known Eddie, so why is it that this whole arrangement make me feel so nervous and unsteady around the two closest men in my life?

The hairs on every inch of my skin sticks up as a knock on my window sounds throughout my room, my brows pulling together at the sight of a figure outside my drapes. Timidly, I pull back the curtains to see Steve, a relieved smile on his lips as I reach up to wipe sleep from my eyes. I immediately set the phone down and slide the window open, helping him over the threshold and into my room.

"I actually just chickened out of calling you." I chuckle quietly, holding a finger to my lips as I leave the window open, enjoying the light that it brings to my previously pitch-black room. He grins, running a hand through his hair as he slips off his shoes, falling back onto my bed almost immediately.

"Well, I'm here, apparently I read your mind." Snorting, I roll my eyes, moving to lay down next to him as I take a deep breath. "I feel so shitty for not seeing you or calling you today. Keith was at the video store and I literally could not catch five goddamn minutes." He huffs anxiously, tilting his head to look over at me but I just reach over to pat his thigh reassuringly.

"That's exactly what I assumed happened. I was only mildly worried." I explain quietly with a shit-eating grin on my face. He chuckles, nodding his head in relief. "So what made you come over?"

"Dustin called me and said you and Eddie went on a date. That he paid for all your ice cream and stuff." There's a sense of disgust in his voice, his lips tugged down into a frown.

"Yeah, it was nice. They won their campaign today so I figured celebration was in order." I curl up on my side next to him, my eyes flickering over his tired expression as he yawns. "You didn't have to worry and come all the way out here at midnight. It's barely day two." I whisper and he nods immediately, his head lolling to the side as he gazes softly at me in the dark room.

"I know, I know. I just..." He trails off, biting at the inside of his cheek as he scoots a bit closer to me, his nose only inches away from mine. "All I thought about today was you." My lip tucks between my lip as I grin excitedly.

"Yeah?" I ask but I already know that's true just from what I know about both of the boys begging for my attention. Once they give their undivided attention towards one thing- or person- that's where all of their energy will go towards. "That's kind of romantic, Harrington." He chuckles sheepishly, reaching over to shove me but his eyes never leave mine, flickering back and forth from my gaze, down to my lips. Every ounce of my body is telling me to kiss him, to just break the rules and see what it feels like- that maybe it would help me gain insight towards my ultimate, painful decision. "I want to kiss you." I admit, my confession sounding awfully shaky as his eyes widen briefly, lips parting handsomely and he chuckles under his breath.

"I wanna do more than just kiss you." My thighs clench at his words, heart skipping a beat as I watch his tongue sweep out across his lips. He has me completely wrapped around his finger, my body inching towards him as my hand soothes up his chest to wrap around his neck.

"Fuck, you can't say that stuff, Harrington." I whisper but it sounds dangerously close to a whimper, my voice completely breathless as he grin, reaching up to cup my cheek. "This is getting sexual. Don't make me tell Dustin that you broke the rules." I shake my head, shutting my eyes tightly as I roll onto my back.

"Screw Henderson and his rules." He groans, leaning over me as his lips press against my cheek, traveling down my chin as I bite my lip, concealing the needing, wanting moans that want to slip through.

"Play nice. Or else I'll have to go level the playing field and make out with Eddie." His body freezes at my threat, eyes rolling with a cringed smile as I giggle, reaching over to pinch his side.

"That's the ultimate cock-block." He chuckles, running his fingers through his hair as he reaches over to pull me back into his arms.

Day 3:

I know in my heart that it's going to take me more than a week to pick one over the other, both of the men getting at me in just the right ways. I try to convince myself that it's shocking that they know me this well, that there would be no reason for me to fall for the both of them even more but I have to chalk it up to the fact that they both know me way better than I thought they did.

The gifts, the flowers, everything is just perfect; everything they've said to me, over the phone, through letters, it all just hits my heart and mind in the right way. They've been so kind and so patient, making it about me instead of taking opportunities to dig at one another. They've been true gentlemen about this whole arrangement and, other than Steve's sexual misstep the other night, they've followed Dustin's rules to a T.

But today feels different.

There's a hint of underlying tension as we all spread out across the Wheeler's basement, having our monthly meeting regarding the supernatural activity within Hawkins. Since Vecna and the Mind Flayer showed their ugly faces, we decided that we would get together monthly to go over any weird things that have happened since we've talked last.

But this month, the topic of conversation is the arrangement between the group love triangle; Steve, Eddie and I.

"So, nothing sexual has happened at all?" Dustin asks, the group suddenly paying full attention to the men who sit on either sides of me, the groups eyes prying and curious. It's rare that their attention is focused this much- they're all typically scatterbrains- but everyone is on high alert today for all the wrong reasons.

"Steve almost fucked up the other night but I quickly threatened him and deflated his boner." I snort, tucking my knees up to my chest as Eddie gasps beside me, leaning to look past me and at Steve who blushes vividly.

"What did you threaten him with?" Eddie asks and the rest of the group hums in agreement, looking to me for an answer as I chuckle, my eyes shutting.

"I said if he tired to make out with me that I would have to even the playing field and go make out with Eddie. He quickly backed off." Dustin and Robin immediately erupt in giggles, Steve's jaw dropping at the betrayal, throwing him under the bus so easily with their laughter. Eddie just wraps an arm around my shoulder, tugging me into his side with a happy grin.

"That's my girl. Win for Munson." Eddie pumps his fists proudly as I roll my eyes playfully, reaching over to pat his thigh and I hear Steve huff beside me, pouting. I just send him a small smile with a reassuring nod, realizing that he gets ten times more jealous than Eddie does, probably due to the fact that he's way more insecure.

"I'm genuinely so intrigued by this dynamic." Lucas whispers, shaking his head as he wraps an arm around Max with a laugh.

"Why don't you both just date her?" Mike asks, brows pulled tightly together as my stomach churns at the thought. In a perfect world, it would be amazing but I know these two men better than they know themselves and I know that having to share me would never fly, no matter how much that thought excites me.

"Because they're possessive and want me to themselves." I explain briefly, the rest of the group sharing an agreeable 'ahh'. Eddie's arm tightens around me at my words and I feel Steve's fingers toy with my shoelaces.

"So, do you have any idea of who you're going to pick?" Dustin's question makes my heart stop, the whole room feeling a whole lot more claustrophobic, my stomach twisting painfully as my lips tug down into a frown.

"Let's not stress her out with that right now, alright Henderson?" Eddie explains quietly, my head instinctively falling into his shoulder as I let him stand up for me. "You gave us a week."

"It's only day three." Steve quickly says, my head craning to look over at him with a soft smile. My anxiety diminishes a bit, relaxing into the couch behind me as I listen to the rest of the group fall into a normal conversation about anything other than me and my relationship status.

Day 4:

My hands work with what I have, dabbing some eyeshadow onto Eddie's eyelids as he smiles up at me, hands resting on my waist. It didn't take much convincing once I requested to do his makeup, knowing deep in my heart that Eddie always wanted someone to do this to him. The thought of embracing his femininity was always something he wanted but he never had the correct person to trust in his life to come clean about this secret to.

"This is nice." He whispers, thumbs drawing circles into the bare skin of my waist where my shirt bunches up. "You gonna put badass eyeliner on me?" He asks, eyes suddenly opening as he gazes up at me sweetly, a smile spreading across my lips. He's gentler than most think, his hardcore, 'bad boy' attitude quickly fading the minute he knows he can be himself.

Snapping us out of our happy gaze, the phone to my left rings and I groan, rolling my eyes as I abandon the makeup, picking the call up; all while not leaving Eddie's lap.

"Hello?" Eddie smiles at the sweetness of my voice, his fingers playing with the small eyeshadow pallet in his lap.

"Hey, it's Steve, are you busy?" A smirk spreads across my lips as Eddie's eyes widen, looking up at me with a hint of jealousy and possessiveness, waiting desperately for me to answer.

"I'm a tiny bit busy. Why, what's up?" I quiz, playing with the phone cord and I hear Steve chuckle on the other end of the line. Eddie just pouts, pinching my thigh as I blow out a laugh.

"Just missed your voice. I'm on break at work and I just wanted to call you and tell you I was thinking about you." My face warms at his kind words and I can picture him on the other side of the line, cheeks red, hair tousled from anxiously playing with it like he does.

"Tell him you're not thinking about him." Eddie whisper screams and I giggle, shoving him playfully before slapping a hand over his mouth. His eyes look down at my hand with furrowed brows, my eyes giving him a testing look as he nods obediently.

"Is that Eddie?" Steve asks, disappointment lacing his voice as I pout, knowing that he'll be upset now- not upset, but jealous.

"Yes, we're currently having a makeover- he's letting me do his makeup." I chuckle, holding the phone between my ear and my shoulder as I pick the eyeliner up in my fingers, freeing Eddie's mouth as he sticks his tongue out at me. It's nice that Eddie has so much time to spend with me since his job really doesn'y demand many hours but it maybe wasn't the fairest to Steve who works constantly.

"Oh."

"It's alright, Stevie. C'mon, keep telling me how much you miss me." He laughs quietly at my demand, my fingers cupping Eddie's cheek as I carefully apply the eyeliner a bit too messily.

"I was just thinking about the other night." Steve mutters, my lip tucking between my teeth but also in concentration as my brain spins, thinking back to our proximity, the feeling of his lips against my skin.

"The other night?" Eddie asks in a hushed voice, this time, quiet enough that Steve doesn't hear him.

"Just was I guess wondering where you stand with everything." Steve's voice sounds unsure and a whole lot like prying, trying to see if I've made a decision. I scoff, watching Eddie's brows furrow as I finish the eyeliner on one of his lids. My brows are pulled together in frustration, my voice coming out ten times more strained than I intend.

"It's only day four." My words shake, breathing shuddered a bit as Eddie sits up a bit straighter, arm wrapping around my waist at the sight of my discomfort and the tears lining my eyes.

"And you've seen Eddie every day." Steve huffs and I can imagine the pout on his lips, eyes dropping low to the ground as Keith yells at him to come off his break.

"Is this you asking to spend more time with me?" I ask incredulously, confused as to why he couldn't just call and ask to see me tonight or ask what I'm doing. Instead, he allows himself to get swayed the minute he finds out that I'm with Eddie.

I know that Steve worries, especially with what happened after Nancy and Jonathan. He worried about cheating and dishonesty so maybe he thinks he's protecting himself by pushing me to try to come to some sort of decision now but it's only pushing me away further.

"You know what, forget about it." Steve mutters and before I can reply, the dial tone fills my ear, my lips parting in shock as Eddie's eyes rake over my expression. My hands slam the phone down onto the base, sniffling loudly as Eddie pulls me closer towards him.

"Did he hang up on you?" He takes my silence as a silent agreement, hands soothing over my back with a sad scoff. "He signed up for this. Same as I did. We both agreed to be patient with you and do our best to win you over." My head nods instinctively at his words but they're not clicking. Maybe Steve thought that this was going to be an easy decision- hell, even I did a little bit. A part of me thought that I would have some sort of idea as to who I want to be with more but I don't.

I just don't have an answer for him yet- for either of them.

"He's just constantly comparing and seeing this as a competition, instead of thinking about how he's coming off." I explain, my hands pressing against his chest as he listens intently, lips sealed and eyes soft. I sigh violently, fingers fisting the material of his t-shirt. "I think he's just terrified to lose me." My voice shakes as he leans forward, eyes catching mine with a teasing grin.

"Join the fucking club." I giggle tearily, reaching up to wipe my eyes as I listen to him, leaning down to rest my forehead against his muscular shoulder. How come I never realized he's got muscles? "Look- I know something happened the other night with you guys, he kissed you or something and, sure, it revs me up to think about it." His muscles tense beneath me as I sigh, hating myself for disappointing two people at once, all because I love both of them too much. "But I'm not about to take that out on you when I want nothing more than to prove to you that I'm the right decision." His lips skim against the shell of my ear and I relax at the feeling of his hands soothing against my back.

"Maybe he didn't realize it would be this hard." Mumbling, he nods, understanding but not saying anything more about it. A few moments go by, silent and comfortable as I am overcome with exhaustion, my emotions taking too much out of me.

"I just want you to know," he whispers, pressing a kiss to the side of my head, "I know you must be worried sick about losing one of us but you won't lose me. We've been friends for as long as I can remember a-and that's not me giving you an excuse to go pick him but..." I lean back to look at him as he rambles, his smile sad and his shrug forced. "I'm going to be here, either way. And I think that says a lot more than Harrington hanging up on you because you haven't made up your mind." I nod, knowing that everything he's saying is true but my heart twists painfully at the thought of Steve probably ranting to Robin as we speak. "You're allowed to not have your mind made up." Wiping my tears gently with the pads of his thumbs, he smiles, pressing a simple kiss to my nose before clapping his hands. "Now, finish my makeup, wench, so we can take pictures."

Day Five:

My heart aches as I wait on my front steps, knees anxiously bouncing up and down as I stalk every car that passes by. Steve promised in the voicemail he left last night that he would be over at nine in the morning, bright and early, to pick me up for a day together. He also insisted that he wasn't taking no for an answer.

After Eddie left last night, covered in makeup with a bright smile on his lips, I laid in bed and cried. Sobbed hysterically for hours, curled up in the sweatshirt that Eddie left behind, boxes of tissues coming and going.

Eddie was so kind and so reassuring, his smile hitting places in my heart that I needed. It's as if our friendship just got better especially now that we're finally able to talk freely about our feelings towards one another.

But something about Steve and his frustration, the total 180 from our friendship prior, it wasn't sticking well with me. Maybe he thought it would be easy to talk about his feelings for me now that everything is out in the open, now that everyone knows that both him and Eddie both want me. But maybe it just solidified that he has no idea how to actually talk to women, especially since Nancy and her inability to tell him how she was truly feeling.

My brows lift as I stand, watching Steve pull into my driveway with a small smile on his lips, his fingers fluttering in a gentle wave. I let out a breath of relief as I step down my steps, jogging to the car as quick as I can just to be able to hear what he has to say. I huff breathlessly as I plop down into the passenger side, turning almost immediately in my seat to face him with a nervous smile.

"Relax." He chuckles sheepishly, reaching over the middle console to take my hand in his. I relax a bit, fastening my seatbelt as he rolls back out of my driveway. "I just wanted to take you somewhere to talk. I know you like the rain and stuff so." I nod, watching the droplets of water hit the windshield quietly as he turns the music completely down just so I can enjoy the sound of the rain.

But the silence doesn't last long.

"Are you mad at me-"

"No, god no. Never." He squeezes my hand, not even letting me finish my worried thought before reassuring me. "I'm an asshole for last night, seriously. Henderson practically kicked my ass when I told him what happened." He huffs, running his other hand through his hair as he stops at a red light. He turns to me with apologetic eyes, his lips in a slight pout. "I hope you and Eddie had a good time. Maybe I just get a little bit more jealous than I should." He admits, biting at the inside of his cheek as he pulls onto the quarry road, a smile taking over my face as I remember the first time he took me to the quarry for the first time. "I shouldn't have hung up on you- god, I'm sorry." He sounds embarrassed, his cheeks heated up in angry embarrassment and he parks the car, immediately taking off his seatbelt and pulling me into his arms. I chuckle lightly, unbuckling myself to wrap my arms properly around him.

"It's okay. I get that this is weird for everyone." I whisper, brushing my fingers through his hair as we sit in silence, the rain comforting me as my nose brushes against the crook of his neck. "I hate that I'm hurting you." My lip wobbles sadly but he just laughs sweetly, pressing a kiss to my shoulder.

"I can take it." He promises, pulling away from me with a sigh, reaching up to trace his finger along my cheek. "I'll love you either way. Even if it has to be platonic if you pick him. I get it." My brows furrow painfully at the thought of not being with him but I feel the same if I think about it the other way.

Fuck.

"This is really hard for me." I whimper, a single tear dripping down my cheek but he's quick to brush it away.

"I know, sweetheart." His voice is heartbreakingly kind, the type of kind that makes me want to just sob and fall into him, to never let him go. "You don't gotta worry about losing me- you could never." He swears, cupping my cheeks in his strong hands, eyes flickering back and forth between mine.

"Eddie said the same thing." I roll my eyes sadly with a sorrowed smile but he just laughs.

"I fucking hope so." His words pull a giggle out of me, my eyes fluttering shut and a few tears escape my eyes. "You've got like two of the best guys in Hawkins pining after you." My head leans into his hands, resting my eyes a bit after a whole night of sobbing.

"I do and it's the best but it also fucking sucks, Harrington." I play with a spot on the scratched seat beneath me and he watches me with fond eyes.

"We've both been your best friends for a long time. You just have to trust me when I tell you that we'll all be fine. You'll be okay." He whispers, taking my hands in his, squeezing them once more as I give him a half-convinced nod.

Day Six:

As the week starts to come down to an end, the want and need to just stay in bed and avoid all responsibilities sounds sweeter than anything. I spent all day yesterday with Steve, going on a long walk and out to dinner, wrapping up the night with a movie that Robin stole us from their work.

It was perfect and sweet, definitely what I needed to heal whatever wound had formed from him being so rude and hanging up on me abruptly. But the lack of communication with Eddie was killing me throughout the whole day, just wanting to give him a call and tell him that I would talk to him later, that he didn't have to worry.

But I never picked up the phone, even after Steve left.

My eyes flicker as I watch the birds fly by my window, their chirping calming the nausea rising in my stomach every time I think about the phone ringing and it being one of the boys. I don't have the energy to talk, to explain how I'm feeling, to cry anymore about my current predicament.

The only thing I can do is just roll over every once in a while, tucking myself further under my covers and listen to the quiet music playing in the corner of my room.

The door cracks open a bit, catching my attention as I pull the covers further up my body, tucking them under my nose. Eddie's head pops into my room, his eyes immediately drooping a bit at the sight of me so secluded.

"Hi." He smiles, slipping into my room with a soft smile, not bothering to turn on the light or ask any questions, he just shuts the door and strips himself of his leather jacket. He works on his shoes next, tossing them away from him as his fingers reach down to curl around the edge of my blanket. "Scoot over, toots." I chuckle quietly at the cheesy nickname, lifting the covers for him to slip underneath them, his arms immediately pulling me to him. I rest my head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heart beating gently.

"I don't wanna talk." I whisper, my voice croaking as he sighs, carding his fingers through my hair.

"Then don't. I'll talk anyways, you know that." I chuckle breathily at his sass, my eyes fluttering shut as I throw a leg over his, curling myself into him as far as I can. "Steve called me and told me he was worried about you. Told me that I was the better option to come over and help." His fingers dance across my back soothingly, my mind barely taking in any of his words as I'm overcome with exhaustion.

"'m just sad." I whisper, not bothering to expand upon it, knowing that Eddie just gets it.

"I don't want you to be sad." He mumbles, lips pressing against my hairline a few times and I feel his shoulders droop. "Do you want me to remove myself from this triangular equation? Take the pressure off of you-"

"No!" My eyes tear as I frantically shake my head, leaning back to look at him, watching his jaw clench and gaze flicker away from me. "No, please don't." My head shakes as I desperately find myself crawling closer to him, wrapping my arms around his neck as he pulls me into his lap. "I still have another day." I plead, just needing him here, with me, just for today and then tomorrow I can cry and panic about all of my deep rooted concerns.

"I'd lose this whole thing if it meant that you'd feel some sort of relief." He admits, tucking himself into me, holding onto me as if I'd evaporate if he let me go. "I just want you to be happy." I pull away to wipe at the tears streaming down my cheeks but they come quicker than I can bat them away. He just tilts his head at me, hands rubbing over my lower back.

"You make me happy." I cry, eyes squeezing shut as my chest aches.

"I know, bug." He whispers, scooting down on the bed as I follow his lead, sliding down between his legs so I can lay my head on his sternum. "Let's just stay here, alright? That sound like a plan?" He offers, brushing his fingers through my hair as I give him a silent nod, watching as my tears make small little blotches on his t-shirt.

Day Seven:

I didn't think my eyes could get more swollen than how they were before Eddie showed up yesterday but after spending the whole day crying on and off with him, they're now bloodshot and puffy, dried up and pained with nothing more to give.

I made it clear to the both of them that I need the day to think, to decide and consider all the options on the table. I then told them that I would meet them both later on at the coffee shop around the corner from me, hopefully being able to answer some of their questions and have made up my mind in that time.

I had a decision to make and even after almost a week of gathering information and being swept off of my feet, the answer couldn't be more unclear.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- Taglist: @bubblebuttwade @rafelover2405 @leslienjazzy @sorceresss @grxnde-dwt @alex–awesome–22 @bunnietoof @niyamar1e @serialghost @plantlungs @geniusohn @akaliltimmytim @lilaalouuxx @xshariex @elliotsbeigeguitar @elle4404 @lelieja @srhxpci @joselyn001 @taysirene @spinkspanther @thedivineuphoria @peter-maximoffs @tsukishimawhore @poohkie90 @szlaco @distantsighs @nstyles4299 @wolflover384 @givemefoodandlovesstuff @vane28282 @yeswhatever33 @amirrahfranson @vvaalleennttiinna @f-mu @yaspillz @jeyramarie @skylievin@abbybarnes17 @jointherebellion215 @visiondaddy @steezysimfinds @its-ya-gay-boi-luigi @crunchytoenailsyum@glizzymcguirex @beth123lg @melovesmut @rafecameronswhore @ariianelle @write-from-the-heart @vampviolets@haylee-e@popehaywardssecretgf @honee-chai-tea @lokiandbuckywife @smoke-and-fire @officiallyunofficialperson@heyaitsklaudia@rosepetalsparks @bluetreecloud20 @scenesofobx @double-shot-of-tequila @1dluver13xx @colbysbrocks @iamasimpingh0e @smoke-and-fire386 @loveshineslikethesky @id-3-kbro @diorsitgirl @errorfound101-allideasburnedout @neverwillknowme18 @ellyskey @taylors-folk @loversjoy @myaloveee @thyris-is

#eddie #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #steve #steve harrington #steve harrington x reader #stranger things #stranger things fic

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wolfnanaki · 7 months

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Interesting that you used Sage as an example in the response to my question because a comment about him was what prompted it, lmao. I saw a 4chan post that basically said like, if the anon met Sage then he'd try to turn Sage back into a girl but also tell "her" that it's still okay to do masculine things without removing "her" breasts, etc. I think that a lot of anti-trans sentiment just comes from pearl-clutching over reassignment surgery which TBH, I didn't understand myself since I didn't get how adjusting the appearance of your sexual organs can affirm your gender if your gender had nothing to do with sex organs to begin with. But your response explained a lot to me. It seems like gender is a super complex thing that isn't cut and dry and different people think of it differently so we shouldn't try to come up with blanket solutions to the "tran issue" and should instead let trans people explore whatever works for them personally. Is that correct of me to believe?

Yeah, pretty much! Sounds like you got it. The "trans issue" is a thing made up by conservatives, there's no issue within us, it's an external issue of people refusing to accept us and force us into either being cishet or... getting rid of us.

And of course they would leap onto the idea of detransitioning Sage. Right-wing people and traditional conservatives are obsessed with the fertility of young AFAB people. Here in Florida, they tried passing a bill wherein teenage female athletes would have to "prove" their womanhood to the state every month by submitting reports of their period cycles, and I can't help but ask why does DeSantis want to know how breedable teenage girls are????

The right's ideas about trans men and nonbinary AFABs is that they're all just confused young women, going through a phase, and they can be corrected, and SHOULD be corrected for their own benefit. That's where the obsession with Fang started from over three years ago, and why it's catching on with Sage now that GVH is out.

I don't know what to call this mindset. This obsession with AFAB fertility. Breeder Syndrome? Whatever.

#Nanaki's Thoughts #gender #transgender #nonbinary

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bokkerijder · 2 days

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7: Have tattoos? 8: Want any tattoos? 9: Got any piercings? 10: Want any piercings? 13: Biggest turn ons 14: Biggest turn offs 15: Favorite movie 21: What I love most about myself 25: My idea of a perfect date 26: My biggest pet peeves 29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend 33: What words make me feel the best about myself 34: What I find attractive in women 35: What I find attractive in men 39: My favorite ice cream flavor 43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately 44: A random fact about anything

SO MANY QUESTIONS <3

7: Have tattoos?

I do not

8: Want any tattoos?

I do! however, my disability affects my nervous system so idk how something like that would feel...? so I'm.... extremely torn because like.... if I get a tattoo it would have to be big enough that, if this would be my only tattoo ever, I won't regret the size. but it also has to be small and simple enough that, if my nerves don't react good to the stabbing, I won't have to sit there for 6 hours. but since it might just be the Only Tattoo I'd Ever Get, it also has to be the "perfect design" and that's a lot of pressure man!

9: Got any piercings?

just my earrings

10: Want any piercings?

I tried a septum piercing twice. it healed incredibly well but. The Nerves did not agree and I ended up getting overstimulated so much that I had to take it out. and I also tried a regular nose piercing, but the cartilage didn't want to cooperate. so I've given up on piercings, unfortunately. I did love them

13: Biggest turn ons

oof. um. thinking real hard right now..... I mean there is the physical stuff, like neck touches and things like that. when it comes to other people visually; I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum so that stuff often doesn't genuinely turn me on? however I do love looking at hands, arms, backs, shoulders, necks etc. and when it comes to actions or personality traits... a good sense of humor is definitely a turn on. in more intimate settings: when someone shows they trust me and gives over control. and phone sex

14: Biggest turn offs

okay so I've encountered a few guys who automatically thought I'm a sub because I talked about being in the mood to Receive Stuff and lmao gtfo

15: Favorite movie

I have multiple movies that I love, but recently The Fall has been on my mind a lot

21: What I love most about myself

my ability to experience joy in the smallest things

25: My idea of a perfect date

I'm pretty laid back, so probably just... going to a museum, or the zoo, or idk. take me to a botanical garden. let's have coffee and sit and talk for hours. let's sit on a bench somewhere. we can hang out at your place or mine and just chill. anything can be a date, and the company is what makes it perfect

26: My biggest pet peeves

people being rude or loud in public

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend

so I've had a few friendships where I couldn't be honest with them about my needs, or confront them about their behavior without them getting angry, turning themselves into the victim and putting all the blame on me, so sometimes I would say I didn't have enough spoons for them to come over. which, in a sense, wasn't even a complete lie

33: What words make me feel the best about myself

not sure about any particular words? but when someone has taken their time to truly get to know me, and then compliment something I do or my personality

34: What I find attractive in women, 35: What I find attractive in men

so I already said that I love a good sense of humor. I go absolutely weak when someone can make me laugh. masculinity in any gender is something I find really attractive. nerdy women. androgynous or feminine men. body hair (loooove love love love arm and chest hair). when men are soft. I could go on and on but jfhsjfjs there are more questions!

39: My favorite ice cream flavor

there's this Italian ice cream parlor one city over that has this AMAZING homemade cinnamon ice cream, and that's my ultimate favorite

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

.....listen. I. hm. it's always gonna be Dan Avidan. altho.... Vito Coppola. my god. he's an incredibly talented dancer and has the ability to be so sexy that I have to get up and leave the room

44: A random fact about anything

Sleipnir has eight legs because Icelandic horses have a very specific trot that's very fast that makes them look like they have more than four legs!

#answered #anoniem #tumblr games #there i've done it i've named my biggest and truest celeb crush after all these years

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the1975attheirverybest · 1 year

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I sent the Anon about being sad about not having a boyfriend. I didn't put my tag on it because I was a little ashamed but I wanna own it now. Thank you for your kind words, it made me feel a lot better. It also gave me an idea for a blurb. Maybe Matty is with a really touch starved reader, and he just thinks it's adorable how much she loves physical touch. Sorry if this is weird and a strange coping mechanism but the idea just popped into my head.

(also I got my blood test results back and I have anemia. Which explains my extreme fatigue I've been having for like a year. Sorry if tmi)

-🦝

Oh my gosh, heeyyyyy. Baby, do NOT worry about it at all. I completely get how you feel. You have time to figure this stuff out. You’ll be okay. Everyone deals differently, but whenever I find myself thinking too much about it, I try to “be of service to others.” Cuz I’m the sort of person who, if I’m occupied with something, I’m not really thinking about myself and how miserable my life is. Before Covid, I was teaching in a women’s prison program. I haven’t done it since, though. But, like, sometimes finding ways to connect with people makes it less isolating to be alone.

Also, not weird at all! Bro, I write fanfiction, lmao. No judgment from ME here.

DID THEY GIVE YOU ANYTHING FOR THE ANEMIA?!! Like to get your levels up to normal so you can start feeling better? :(

Like, maybe it’s the little things that get her. I mean, sure the sex is great and all, but what she really craves most is those small touches when watching tv on the couch together and he just mindlessly puts his arm around her and pulls her close. Or when he comes back from tour and he’s extra clingy cuz it’s been a while and he won’t let her go. Cuddling even in his sleep. She loves the way his hand snakes under her pjs to touch her skin. He just spreads his fingers on her stomach. Or when they’re out and about somewhere and he has a protective hand on her hip. He squeezes just a tiny bit when things get tens or crowded or something. He doesn’t even notice he’s doing it. But she does and she LOVES it.

When she’s sleepy and he tries to coddle her. He just pulls her into him and she sits on his leg, lays her head on his chest as he plays with her hair. When they’re just hanging out and chatting, she’ll reach over and hold his hand, mess with his fingers. If he’s wearing any rings or bracelet or something, she’ll twirl it around. She loves when he grabs her while kissing. She loves to hold his hand in public. She loves when their legs touch or get tangled up in each other at night or after sex. She loves to lay on his chest and listen to his heart beating. She loves everythingggg about him.

#🦝 anon

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menalez · 10 months

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i'm sorry if this is going to be long but i'm honestly a bit at my wits ends here. nearly a week ago, i was hit with the strongest realization in my life that i am prob a homosexual who's severely traumatized by everything that's happened to me and hence why it took me a very long time to come to terms with it. i held onto other labels like my life depended on it and although i used the lesbian label before, it was a couple of years ago and it was only for like a month or so before i doubted myself, freaked out, and went with another label. i thought, okay, that's it, i am done with that mess and can just move on with my life. idk what happened recently, but it was a combination of coming across a post by a straight woman who thought she was bi/les before realizing that being online destroyed her brain and made her think she wasn't attracted to men when she clearly was, and how she realized it finally because she noticed only being sexually aroused easily by men's bodies (like when they are topless at the beach or smth), plus a documentary i saw about gay conversion therapy that featured a gay man talking about how he was desperate to be normal and chased after marriage with a woman "with a vengeance" (a thought process i am very familiar with).... there's other things but i don't want this to get too long or triggering for other ppl so i'll stop here. but just like that, it hit me like a heavy truck that i was only into women this entire time and just hated myself so much. didn't helped that many people in my life, including perfect strangers, telling me that they think i'm actually gay. but then i see posts on yr blog about "so called lesbians coming out later in life are actually just bisexual" and now i'm like.... idk what to believe anymore. i wish i can talk about this with other lesbians about this and just let them all determine what i truly am, because the last thing i want to do is come out and then a man comes into my future and ~change everything~ lmao sounds so stupid when i wrote it like that but yeah. i don't want to hurt lesbians with this, but i also don't have to feel like living a lie anymore or keep trying to "heal: myself because anytime i try to do so, even if it's something as simple as looking at pictures or drawings of a p*nis, i feel so disgusted i want to throw up. i know for a fact that there has never been a moment in my life where i felt that real sexual desire over men or male bodies or anything like that, but all of that gets muddied when other factors have been thrown in due to my life events, if that makes sense. like i'm sorry if this sounds horrible but there is a part of me that hopes i am not a homosexual. i love gay men and lesbians just like anyone else, but i just don't want this to be true. i feel like my life has already been hard for other reasons, and putting this on top of everything else will be too much for me to handle and i'll just end up killing myself over it in the end. i want to live and be happy, but i'm just so conflicted over this topic.

just to clarify, i have never argued that the age in which a lesbian comes out means shes actually bisexual or not. i was complaining explicitly about how many bisexual women will use the label lesbian upon realising their same sex attraction later in life, will talk about having been into men etc but will say theyre lesbians *now*. i take issue with these women because i believe there are genuine lesbians who came out later in life being overshadowed by this phenomenon of bi women leaving their ex-husbands and then claiming to be lesbians bc they decided after 2 decades of dating men that they only want to date women (which is fine, but exclusively wanting to date women and exclusively being into women are overlapping yet different things). i think it harms actually "late bloomer lesbians" bc a lot, that ive seen, using that term are indeed bisexual not lesbians.

that said, i can understand your mindset and where you're coming from. but take it from me, rejecting your sexuality and wishing it away and trying to ignore it and trying to change it etc will simply not work. you may ultimately be wrong, sure, and for that reason i encourage you to take your time thinking over your life and analysing your feelings towards men if necessary, and only when you're sure of it declare what your sexuality is. sure, you may end up wrong somehow regardless, there's no guarantee that despite our certainty that we are the sexuality we believe ourselves to be. but if you push yourself into the closet and deny yourself and reject yourself bc of the off-chance that maybe just maybe you're actually bisexual with such a strong preference for women (despite having no history of being into men nor hints of that attraction to them) isn't going to help you either.

your fear does make sense. i went through similar when i was coming to terms with my sexuality and i absolutely did not want to be a lesbian. the thought of it literally put me into such a terrible state of panic, i would've much preferred to just be bi so that i could potentially have a socially acceptable life in my country. but no wishing and rejecting ourselves will change our sexuality, it'll simply make us more traumatised and unhappy. you seem fairly confident in your feelings to me, don't reject yourself with unlikely What Ifs.. as many other bi women said on this topic, there usually ARE signs of OSA throughout their lives, they just explain it away. if u have never & continue not to feel anything sexual towards male bodies, if u have never had a crush on a man including male celebs, etc then i think ur far more likely than not a lesbian. ignoring that will not change ur sexuality, but its up to u how u move forward with that. i can at least tell u that from my experience, accepting myself for who i am has changed my life positively and gave me a will to live that i was lacking in my life prior. its difficult to face discrimination and lesbophobia, but its even more difficult to still face some of that AND on top of it be rejecting urself and hating urself

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dreamwritesimagines · 1 year

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okay it’s CMA-

I read the chapter and holy fuck!!!!!!! A (mostly) fluffy chapter!!!! I feel so spoiled lmao but also like I should enjoy this while I can before shit inevitably goes down. I took a few notes while reading so here they are:

(btw I hated taking notes when reading for school but for this it’s like yes I have to write it down otherwise I will forget and I need to express how amazed I am at this part/line/moment or whatever because I need to share that and I cannot contain myself)

Omg a flower that makes you horny????? it’s a “real life” sex pollen lmaoooooooo is this a real thing that they thought???

The aunt thinking that she’ll be able to rest when clover is married… lmao nope I highly doubt it. Or she’ll be that person who is like ‘not my problem anymore haha benedict u sucker’

Anthony knowing Charlie’s favorite flower + clover, the most love blind human being who doesn’t even believe in it, being the first to recognize it >>>>>

I was wondering if benedict would get her the tuberoses and also did he buy them right away????? He had to have asked for them to be delivered to her place presumably so do you think that the shopkeeper was horrified?? Or that he thought it was for her aunt LMFAO??? Also was Anthony there when he bought them?? Was he like ‘Ben why are you buying the horny flowers’ or did he just go with it??? I have SO many questions

Ben making sure she doesn’t have to answer any questions she doesn’t want to🥺😭😭 I love him your honor

What happened to clover to think so poorly of a gift???? Who taught her this??? Who do I have to go murder??? Did someone trick her and that’s why she has no friends from before?? Why does she never mention anyone from her past besides (begrudgingly) her family????

“Any inappropriate urges?” “So many” SCREAMING oh my god that’s so fucking funny. He’s unapologetically horny this is so funny just wait until he’s actually able to do something about it

anyway dream I love love love this chapter!!! I’m glad for the fluff before shit gets real, but I’m sure I’ll be screaming at you when that does happen lmao.

anyway, love u lots❤️❤️

Omg loveeee! I'm so excited for this! 🥰❤️

I love your notes so much😍

Real life sex pollen lmaooo😂 Yesss it is something they thought, or at least some say it is😂 I laughed so hard when I read it, check this out;

During the Victorian era, young unmarried women were forbidden from smelling the tuberose flower because it was believed to have the power to cause spontaneous orgasm. /They were discouraged from smelling it, to prevent awakening erotic urges. / Maidens were prohibited to help in the harvesting process as the lingering smell was so sensual that it could entice the men on the fields

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?! 😂

I feel like the aunt won't be able to rest even when Clover is married 😂

Anthony definitely knows Charlotte's favorite flower, he didn't even think hard, he memorized it 😂❤️

Yesss! Absolutely, Benedict bought them right after Clover left the florist 😂 The florist was scandalized but he couldn't say anything because it's Benedict who's buying them, not Clover 😂 Anthony just went along with it but probably rolled his eyes at him 😂

Benedict will be so protective of her 🥰

Clover trusts no one and I doubt she had many friends aside from Josie and her friends ❤️ It was really hard for her back at home and we will see so many signs of how it affected her whole approach to the people 💔 She's not good at accepting gifts, and she thinks Benedict could take it away the moment he saw she likes it ❤️

Let's just say that he will be very...enthusiastic😈❤️

Thank you so much for this darling, I LOVE THIS! ❤️🥰🥰

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talkingbl · 2 years

Text

Actually Unpopular BL Opinions pt. 2

So, people are doing this again.

If you haven't seen my first Actually Unpopular BL Opinions, click here!

Since folks wanna do this again, I'll bite. Remember, these are just my opinion--opinions which are fluid and open to change as circumstances change. Anyway, here they are:

Jaechan acting in Semantic Error doesn't = queerbaiting.

I actually agree with folks that Bad Buddy got boring in the latter half of the story. Looking back at the second part of my post on Bad Buddy, I'm realizing that the latter half of the season was a subpar, lackluster, overly contrived, terribly paced mess. Stuff seemed to just happen for no reason and the chemistry started to waver a bit because of it I think. Now, I'm not one of those people who thinks Ohm and Nanon never had chemistry just because Nanon came out as straight (which, lmao to the idea of coming out as straight and also to those who thought he was anything but despite him constantly telling y'all he was only into women). But, I do think that at certain points their chemistry felt more platonic than romantic (but honestly this just added to the overall chemistry for me as I think most good couples have a friendly chemistry in addition to the romantic chemistry). I also want to be clear that I never really felt sexual chemistry between the two and I think that's why some people believe they lack chemistry.

Currently, the only 2 popular BL actors I ever want to hear sing again are Billkin and Jeff. Nunew might get a pass every now and again. Everyone else, kindly stop.

Most Japanese live-action BLs are not interesting in the slightest. Actually, I'll take this a step further and say most Japanese BL manga I've read aren't particularly interesting either. It's so strange too because I like certain anime (AOT, JoJo) but I just can't get into the BLs.

Even though I liked it, KinnPorsche is overrated. There, I said it. Now that I said it, let's be clear about something: KinnPorsche didn't 'fall off' like Bad Buddy the way people are claiming, nor is the acting, production, etc. egregiously bad. It is the plot that was extremely convoluted, had no real goal, and relied mainly on cheap/nonsensical plot twists, BL tropes, and sex in lieu of a coherent story. The story is somewhat like Check Out if Check Out was actually entertaining and well executed. But I don't wanna get into this one too deeply as I haven't done a write up on it yet.

Never Let Me Go looks like the best BL of 2022 (I don't consider Not Me 2022).

We Best Love is so incredibly difficult to get into. I don't feel the chemistry between the leads, I'm not sure what the storyline is, the acting isn't great, and the production isn't the crispy high quality I'm used to. Idk, I just don't get the hype.

Fish Upon The Sky is GMM's most all-around entertaining BL after Not Me and Theory of Love.

I don't know if I'm just letting his performance in Bad Buddy affect me, but I can't bring myself to watch anything with Jimmy in it. I am literally not watching Vice Versa because his acting style really bothers me.

Story-wise, Young Royals is better than any BL I've watched thus far ,with the exception of Not Me. I know this is the hottest take on planet earth, especially because I loved ITSAY, but understand I'm not saying overall it's the best, I'm saying the story/plot is the best combination of interesting and well executed.

Don't Say No wasn't good or interesting and the only thing that saved it was LeonPob. Actually, I have to do a write up on this one because I have much more than can reasonably fit here.

Heartstopper is for them kids. I tried episode 1 and just could not get into it. That doesn't mean it's bad, just that it's for them kids.

#park jaechan semantic error korean bl boys love kbl bad buddy ohmnanon patpran thai bl boys love #billkin putthipong jeff satur nunew chawarin japanese bl kinnporsche check out #never let me go pondphuwin we best love taiwanese bl fish upon the sky not me theory of love offgun jimmy potiwihok #young royals itsay don't say no leonpob heartstopper uk bl western bl #jimmysea vice versa

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comphet-critical · 2 years

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Hi I've been debating lately if I'm lesbian or bi and I thought at first I was a lesbian and experiencing "comphet" but now I'm reading a lot about how it isn't real.

When I was 11 I had my first "crush" on the opposite sex (it wasn't real, it ended up disastrously) and I remember that during that age I was being really conscious about the opposite sex and me making sure I'm attractive to them. I remember having sexual thoughts but no sexual desire (the thoughts always would put me in like a submissive position, almost like a prey animal). I remember this lasting up until I was 13. From then onward i started developing real sexual desire and all my thoughts revolved around women (like seriously the first time I can remember feeling desire, it was about my childhood same-sex best friend and I felt really guilty lmao, I had like 3 different crushes on high school, all same-sex, one of them lasting an entire year). So I thought myself a lesbian but then I am clouded by all that experience from 11-13 yo me, I thought that was just response to my natural environment, a society that depicts women whether implict or explicitly as beings whose only purpose is to be men's sexual objects and have babies, so I was just following all the examples I saw on the media, I heard from my peers and adults, because I was a child and didn't have critical thought and just wanted to fit in and be valued through the criteria society was setting. So I thought THAT was comphet (because I don't think I was attracted to any boy when I was going through that, but I was doing things like dating and kissing and letting be touched even tho I felt utterly disgusted and uncomfortable). Because I was doing all those things, doesn't that make me even a little straight? I wouldn't do it out of own desire, I believe, but it happened, and part of me says that I was a product of my environment and didn't have a choice, but another part says that *I* wanted it and because I did it then that's proof that I am just a girl who wants to be used by men and be the "woman" I was trying to imitate at that age. The latter option doesn't make sense and just sounds like victim blaming, but then why do I believe it to be true? Because society is also fuming with rape culture and individual analysis? (Because let's remember I was literally 11 and as I said I didn't experience libido nor critical thought). And then I read things like "because you had traumatic experiences with men and now prefer women does not make you a lesbian", so now I'm even wondering if my attraction to women is even innate or an aftermath of being sexually and psychologically abused by men and by a misogynistic, patriarchal society.

I know I like women and i don't like men, but my brain just keeps telling "nah, you like men you don't like women" and comes up with stuff like "you think you like women because they're so objectified and sexualized in our culture and you shouldn't be into that because it's perverted and it harms women you're just as bad as a man if you do it / because x y and z happened in your childhood you were left psychologically disturbed and now prefer women but that isn't natural or how you're supposed to be". Honestly I'm just confused and tired, I know I like women but all these thoughts I don't know if they are comphet, internalized homophobia and heteronormativity, or just an entirely isolated personal thing that has only to do with my specific experiences.

When I infere I might be bi I based in on the experience of 11-13 yo me and on intrusive thoughts I have, but now writing it out I realize that none of those things were/are voluntary. What do you think? Is comphet, as I am describing it, real? Or would it be like a byproduct of internalized homophobia and heternormativity?

I'm sorry thus turned out too long, I don't have anyone to talk about this and I've never talked about this so I might have just let too many things out, but you're a comphet critical blog so I'm trusting your title!

you seem bi with a preference for women, i think letting your feminist views determine your sexuality can be harmful because that’s how political lesbianism started

#ask #signs you’re bi #comphet

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elliesmistress · 2 months

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hi so sorry if this is awkward 😭 i also think i might have a porn addiction. sometimes i can't even get in the mood with my gf or its hard for me to finish without thinking of porn... how do i stop this? i stopped watching porn and I've been clean for like a month. although it hasn't been that hard because I'm preoccupied with uni, I'm afraid that when i get together with my gf it won't get any better. sorry you're just the first person i saw that had a similar experience and i just wanted to know where to start? its honestly so frustrating bcus it started when i was so young and didn't know how fucking harmful it was and now it fucked me up. i feel so bad when i have sex and i just want to fully enjoy it and now fucking overthink all the time.

Hey, definitely not an awkward question at all, I love doing write-ups about this stuff!

The first part we need to understand is why did you start to watch porn in the first place? Was there a trigger? Were you curious? and or did someone introduce you to it, also possibly doing things to you whilst you were watching it?

How old were you when you first started watching porn?

I used to have the same problem in pretty much every single way possible 😅, I couldn't get wet nor could I finish. Is what I used to do instead of porn was to get stoned (which isn't recommended either, do this whilst sober or have a bit of weed because it can relax you but it's better to learn sober) and I would put on some music and keep my clothes on and just touch myself like that and until I felt myself genuinely get horny that is when I would do it skin to skin yk not over the clothes (I'm trying to not make this sound weird af) but another thing I struggled with is ADHD, I have severe ADHD and I constantly needed dopamine, and it always hit me in the ass, (the biggest misconception about ADHD is that we are always horny , which that can be true I'm usually never THAT horny unless I'm high or incredibly attracted to somebody . Most people with ADHD need that dopamine hit which is why people with ADHD are known to masturbate more often) also with ADHD came sexual frustration which is when your so desperate to finish that you stress your body out and your brain won't let you finish. If this would happen, I would stop what I'm doing and breathe and allow my body to relax and get horny again .

1. Get off porn, don't watch it, if you see a video click past it and do not click on it.

2. Make sure you're hydrated my dude, because if you're trying to masturbate with no water in your system it's gon be very dry up there

3. Use lube if you need to.... I don't get why people are so scared of lube, like I could have sex without lube if I wanted to and I wouldn't be in pain but other times I do, like just have some lube there if you need it

4. Make sure you feel safe and comfortable in the environment that you are in, because if you don't feel safe you won't be able to orgasm.

5. Make sure to communicate with your girlfriend, because if you're not able to she won't be able to help you. If she will react badly to it, get yourself a new girlfriend haha.

6. Get yourself a vibrator, or just any toy really. Don't listen to people when they say vibrators will make you less sensitive or break your clit that's just a myth people came up with to make women feel bad about liking self pleasure lmao, is what a vibrator CAN do is make you "numb" to the sensations but your fingers can also do this(don't worry it's not just a vibrator), the clit gets used to certain sensations, movements, speeds and eventually becomes more "numb" to it.

7. TOLERANCE BREAK!!! Exactly the same as number 6, don't be masturbating every day. You will most likely become numb to it and then become sexually frustrated, make sure to switch up what hand you use . If you use your left hand most, every now and then switch to your right and that's the same with if your right handed use your left hand instead. Depending on the person sometimes one side of the clit is more sensitive than the other as well so you can defo check that out lmao

8. Make noise, moaning I'm pretty sure (my sister told me this so it may not be true but she's always right 😂) relaxes the vagina muscles which is why when women give birth they moan a lot, you don't have to go full on porn style mode but just a comfortable amount. Also flow with your body, lifting up your hips slightly when it feels good also can help because it stimulates something idk .

9. (Edit on real quick) If you have any kinks also speak up about that to your partner because that can help a lot

Also make sure your diet is good overall, being on birth control can fuck with your libido or anti depressents (anti depressents from what I remember is they block the serotonin receptors so if you try to masturbate it won't work coz there blocked, I had this problem with ritalin and that shit made me horny AF) make sure to be patient with yourself and don't try to rush it. I prefer to do sexual stuff closer to when I'm getting my period and I'm ovulating because those are the only true times I'm genuinely horny but everyone is different.

Anyways , that's the best I could give at the moment . Always welcome to message me or use the anon I don't mind but I never judge because I've probably been in the exact same situation before 🫶🫶 good luck xx

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coop-of-coffee · 2 years

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The Great s2 spoilers (?)

Okay, I just wanna share my thoughts on something, and that something being: ace Orlo.

So, throughout s1 there was the ongoing joke (if you can call it that ig) of Orlo being "a virgin" and some teasing about him not being into women, etc. Since then, I was very 🕵🏻 about all that, making me think that he was either asexual, gay or both.

On the first episodes of s2, Orlo's uninterest in sex was made clearer. And that's when we get to ep 3: Orlo lets Velementov know he got laid the previous night, clarifies it was with a woman and it was his third time having sex.

Later, we see him passionately making out with a guy, which ends up in them having sex, and we know it was his first time with a man bc he was "experimenting", as he put it. Then is where something particularly interesting comes up: he says it felt more or less the same way than when he had sex with a woman, which, to summarize in a word, basically says it was "meh". Plus, he added he'd rather be reading a book.

Having sex with that man didn't make him have the feelings he was supposed to have regarding sex, it didn't get him there and it's obvious he was trying to (hence the "experiment", which, given his other times with women, he was also experimenting, hoping to feel what was expected of him to feel). That scene, at least for me, was the confirmation that he is asexual.

In episodes 4 and 5, we see Orlo clumsily flirt with Katya, the teacher. And in the following ones, it is clear they started a relationship, which is, to an extent, also sexual. I was kinda expecting the writers to do something like that, because hoping that they would truly look into Orlo's asexuality was, sadly and all things considered, unrealistic.

(not that being ace = not having sex, but in a "he found someone, so he'll now have sex and that's how far exploring this will go" way)

However, I must admit the sex scene Orlo and Katya share in ep 6 kinda reinforces that he's asexual/in the ace spectrum. While he does seem to be enjoying it, it doesn't necessarily mean that he was sexually attracted to Katya (or maybe he was? I feel like that was unclear and it made me doubt a little, but only as to say "maybe he's demisexual"), and it was more of a combination of having her read a book to him, listening to the author's words and an obvious sexual stimuation.

Now, before his relationship with Katya began, I considered him either gayace or aroace, giving s1 and early s2 stuff. When he was kissing that guy in 2x03, he seemed to be way more at ease than in pretty much any other scene where a woman looked suggestively at him, where he'd look away or was visibly uncomfortable. I now think he is biace solely because he did seem to like Katya, but I'd be happy to be proven otherwise, bc I feel there's much more material to back up gayace or aroace Orlo, despite being biace myself.

In ep 9, where he calls things off between them after Catherine finds out about the money, their goodbye isn't sexual. Granted, it wouldn't have to be, but given the rest of the characters and the show itself, you might guess why I point this out lmao.

In conclusion: Orlo is definitely aspec. There's canon material, which includes dialogues, as evidence. While I'm not angry or upset about how things were handled regarding this part of Orlo, I am disappointed because, imo, it had so much potential. I would have loved to see this explored, to have some scene with Katya luring him into her room and him being hesitant or not thrilled about where that was heading. I would have loved to see a scene like the one he had with the man, but with Katya, where he'd actually talk afterwards about how he feels about sex (i.e. neutral/uninterested/nothing). It had potential to be played with, and come up with something funny like, idk, Velementov walks into them and hears them giggle and they're under the sheets or smth but they're just reading and Velementov is confused and leaves but Orlo covers himself either way even tho they were fully clothed. The show already has a lot of sex, so I do feel that not going deeper into Orlo's asexuality was a wasted opportunity.

#this ended up longer than i thought #oops i guess #but if anyone actually read this ily #i made a thread on twt as i watched this season and shared my thoughts on this very topic #but i have bigger chances of someone stumbling with this here than there #if anyone wants to talk about this PLEASE send me a message bc I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on it #the great hulu #the great #asexual orlo #orlo #count orlo #my ramblings #yes he is my favorite character. what gave it away?#never post stuff like this but i had to get this out of my system and my friend hasn't watched s2 #the great s2 #the great season 2 #asexual #the great spoilers #words words words

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battlestar-royco · 2 years

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rape culture is not about a girl deliberately kept in the dark about the basics of sex and reproduction trying to figure out what the fuck is going on lmao

OHHHHHH MY FUCKING GOD 🤡🤡🤡 this is so deeply condescending i recommend you sit with the fact that you chose to word your ask like this instead of just asking me to explain myself. but okay let's do this. because it's actually important. cut for triggering discussion.

daphne forcing simon to ejaculate inside her is rape. the fact that this doesn't register to most people as even remotely sexually violent, let alone rape, is rape culture. the fact that this was just treated as a regular sex scene like the others in the show is rape culture. the fact that the show specifically went out of its way to show simon asking for daphne's consent in an earlier episode but the same is not expected of her when she's doing sex acts that simon doesn't want is rape culture and patriarchy picturing women as fragile objects of sex to be acted upon. the fact that daphne's behavior is validated and not questioned whatsoever is rape culture. the fact that someone is probably going to follow up on anon and argue with me about these objective facts is rape culture.

what you're talking about is misogyny and patriarchy, of which daphne is definitely a victim. no one is denying this. i genuinely think it's great and admirable that daphne wants children, and i have no issue with that being her main goal at all. it's fucked that her society infantilized her to the point that she didn't understand reproduction while simon, a man, did. but the fact that daphne feels entitled to children, specifically from simon, is also due to patriarchy. he told her he couldn't have kids. later we understand this is for personal and not biological reasons. ymmv on whether you find this an issue but i personally don't at all. she agreed to a marriage without kids. the fact that simon and daphne's happy ending is predicated on simon inevitably accepting children into his life rather than daphne moving on to someone who actually wants to have kids? heteronormativity, patriarchy, the value of the nuclear family above all else.

#anti bridgerton #rape tw

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oneandonlysoftie · 3 years

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Hi dear! I've seen you didn't talk much about Sadistic Beauty these days... What are your thoughts on ending and two side stories? Especially Wookying and Minho's one? Tbh I'm disappointed and disturbed :(

i had to step out of this story bc it was leaving me frustrated, irritated and disappointed not to mention very confused LOL. yep, im still fairly disappointed with where the author went with this. a major conflict that should or could have been in the main story was the whole drama including wookyung fighting with doona to get minho but it was swept under the rug only to return as some after thought as a side story (probably excluding doona). there was such a great opportunity to finish it in the main story but the author decided that minho had to suffer all of the consequences and everyone else is going scot-free LOL. truly a shame. i wasnt surprised that doona was ending up with haesol, never was into them, still not into them. i have a certain distaste for characters like haesol, he’d be best described as a simp. and i absolutely loathe simps lol. there’s a fine line with being there for someone and being there in hopes that smth more might change, he def wants to date doona and saying that he’s okay with how things are and if they don’t date, is basically a blatant lie to himself. if that was the case, he wouldn’t let her string him along and use him for sex. the feelings he has for her will just be kept in the back, but it will most likely resurface in some way or another. in the long run, it’d hurt him and that’s just not worth the hassle. obv since the writer wanted them to happen, he’s prob gonna get what he wants lol. i def found the whole rivalry btw donna and wookyung in order to get to minho way more fascinating, and wished it was explored more. now, the only thing im happy with is gyerin is probably getting her happy ending with the new girl. she’s also the only one who went “fuck this” once she saw doona wasn’t going to reciprocate her feelings, and im rlly glad she did that. at first, i didnt think much of her, but now, seeing how the story went (lmao), im all for gyerin being happy. and as for wookyung and minho, im interested in how their story will unfold. but i feel so so bad for minho, he was a jerk and an asshole i wont deny that, but he didnt deserve all of the hate and harm he got and still is receiving according to the side story preview. wookyung is still a great and fascinating character, i do like characters like him, but how he was used was just not satisfying. and it seems like there might be a case of stockholm syndrome coming up where he might fall for wookyung. i just wish doona had smth to do with it before she parted ways or she could have helped minho, but yeah. *shrugs* this story left me confused as to what the author is doing, there is wasted potential and opportunities at every corner. the plot goes one way then goes another to end on a weird note. i also think the whole gl, bl stuff was more of a fanservice thing and that’s probably why it’s more of a disjointed story? as in, i feel like the gl and bl stuff should either have been more of a focus and woven into the story or it should have been entirely separate so the author wouldn’t have to shove many things at once and just focus on one or two pairing. one thing i might add for the story is that it felt as if it was trying to make us surprised, but the so called “twists” that happened just made it more confusing and those probably shouldn’t have been there as they don’t add much to the story narrative. back to gyerin, you can see that gyerin and the new girl can have their own separate story from the start (she didn’t have much to do with the primary conflict and could easily have a flashback to doona instead of the whole fanservice lol). the same goes for wookyung and minho as well, and it’d have been perfectly fine. at the end you basically see three pairings, the m/f, the f/f and the m/m. however, we dont even know if minho is into men? so i’m not sure how’s that gonna be considered BL? then again, every pairing could have been in the main story, but it’s not? for some reason??? it feels as if the author wanted their pairings without putting in the effort of making it into the main story, hence the side stories or they just wanted to make it separated without putting too many characters in it. obviously, for wookyung and minho, there’s no way doona wouldn’t have done smth if it was fully explored in the main story, and it might have changed the ending too. there’s multiple ways the story could have gone, but this one was the only conflict that was much more interesting imo, but it wasnt used that much.

gyerin didn’t really have much to do there other than be lesbian fanservice for doona (and the audience, writer and maybe the artist too?), and to be some kind of support for haesol. that’s about it, so i can understand why she’d not have a full blown romance in the main story, but seeing that she keeps reappearing, she still could have her side story integrated into it. lmao i don’t even kno if doona is bi/pan lol or if she just had sex bc she was drunk then did it just for pleasure without being interested in women at all.

EDIT: iirc doona did get aroused seeing gyerin uh doing stuff, so it could be possible that she is interested in women, but maybe only sexually? although i still could be wrong lol and it could just have been a moment of “I’m straight, but horny and u’ll do for now”. she could be in the closet too, who knows.

overall, sadistic beauty had some interesting conflict, some good characters (ill never like haesol lol), good art and the storytelling by this artist is well paced, but the execution and where the story went leaves a sour taste in my mouth. would i recommend this story? absolutely not. it is so frustrating, and for what? i wish i had saved myself this headache from the very start but the art and the fact that doona was a dom was what reeled me in. i only came back to it to see if the writer redeemed their story in some ways, but... well... you saw how that went. i would follow the artist if i could, their art is beautiful. however, i cannot say the same for the writer. from my exp, it seems that many webtoons have good art, but the writing definitely leaves way more room for improvement. that said, i do hope ppl will learn that in order to make a great comic/webtoon/manga and so on, it is not only about pretty drawings. the story and writing should be up to par with the art. if not, it should be at least close to it. because the art might attract people, but if the story doesn’t resonate, if it doesn’t make much sense, then ppl are bound to leave and drop it. and what is a story, but pretty pictures and nothing substantial in it? nothing, but superficial beauty.

#sadistic beauty #rant #ramble #confused as fuck #wtf #why #sadistic beauty rant #spoilers #sadistic beauty spoilers #listen the amount of times i flipped my shit on this story would fill a whole bathtub

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brilapse · 2 years

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Hey guys,

Sooooo..

Today I was formally diagnosed with Autism. My psychiatrist said I was very self aware to come to her to invalidate or validate my suspicions of possibly being autistic, and after a few sessions, she concluded that I am definitely autistic.

It's kind of nice to have a diagnosis that makes sense and explains some of the things I experience and have gone through my whole life that depression and anxiety just didn't seem to explain.

Some of these things being:

(warning, it's long LOL)

Super hypersensitive (I was always told this was due to my anxiety, but I'm hypersensitive ALL the time, not just after an anxiety attack or a general feeling of anxiety)

Crowded places and noises hypersensitivity and feeling certain materials hypersensitivity.

Another thing I always do that I thought may have been OCD is I am ALWAYS pouring water over my hands because they always feel so uncomfortable and so dry, like they are cracking but they aren't. When I'm distracted, I don't feel that way, and it goes away, but when I'm not, it's always like it. To the point that I carry a water bottle with me to pour drops of water in my hands to keep them wet. Sometimes I'll pour JUICE if I don't have water. I've even had intrusive feelings to SPIT in my hands if I don't have anything. (I don't not have anything near me at all times anymore lol) And no moisturizer doesn't work, it's too oily and creamy. It has to be watery, gel like and wet. Hand sanitizer initially works but after 30 seconds dries them out more.

My psychiatrist stated this was definitely due to overstimulation.

Routines due to hypersensitivity.

At night, I have a special routine I have to follow or I cannot sleep. First, I set up my pillows. One thin one under my head with a memory foam cooling one in top of that and two cooling body pillows in either side of my body, set exactly under my armpits so my arms can rest on them. Then, the blanket goes on, it CANNOT be a wool blanket or velvet material, or anything other than a cool silky cotton type and it has to be tucked in under my feet. If I don't do this every night, I get so overwhelmed and literally cannot sleep.

One thing my bf HATES that I always do is stare at people in public, lol. Because I am so aware of my surroundings (but overwhelmed and not at the same time, it's weird.) I find myself staring at people around me doing things like loading their groceries or talking to their kids, and I'll just look straight through them and not even realize and my bf thinks it's so awkward and always has to nudge me and be like babe stop staring at them! Since my diagnosis, he thinks this may be due to my autism.

Intrusive thoughts. Like. Weird, random, instrusive thoughts. "Stop the microwave at 2 seconds or sometime bad will happen to your mom" "if you walk on the cracks in the sidewalk, your cat will die" so I then walk all the way to places skipping over the cracks. They don't necessarily have to be bad consequences either.

Or random instrusive thoughts during an interview like "imagine having sex in that desk" "omg what if he can hear my thoughts" "think about something else. Bananas. Bananas. Bananas." This is one of the more funny intrusive thoughts because my intelligence takes over like girl stfu, but my brain is like lol no let's keep thinking this crazy shit

Super introverted. I literally have to prepare for hanging out with friends or going to an event or dinner with family and when I get home, I crash and nap and my social meter is maxed out and I have to recover for 3 business days, lmao. It's the socializing, overthinking, trying to act normal, over stimulation, etc of it all.

Learned this is called "autistic burnout"

Masking. This is more so in women. Autism in women is very different than in men. Women do this thing called "masking"

Essentially it's hiding or masking your autistic traits and copying the social behaviors of others to fit in. This more so I remember doing A LOT when I was a kid and never understood how easy it was for everyone else. I still do it now, but it's become second nature, id argue I'm not even masking anymore lol

Focusing and becoming obsessed with certain subjects, interests and objects. Lol. No explanation needed.

Escaping into self made or not self made fantasy worlds. Again, no explanation needed, lmao.

Avoiding eye contact, being uncomfortable with eye contact, but in women they force themselves to make eye contact and this is a form of masking. I am ALWAYS forcing myself to make eye contact and focusing on what is too much eye contact and too little, it does not come naturally, so much so, I am so intensely focusing on it that it's hard to keep up with the conversation.

Outbursts of intense anger. This more so happened when I was a child and teenager, especially as a child, so much so that my parents brought me to multiple drs about it. You think one of them would of caught on to my diagnosis, but women get diagnosed a lot later in life usually and get misdiagnosed as children. I still have outbursts of anger, I feel so mad and upset and just, ugh, like I could explode because a lot of things pent up but I have developed great coping mechanisms with my anger over the years and I certainly don't get as many outbursts as I used to.

Engaging in repetitive behavior (also called stimming) such as rocking back and forth, flapping hands. I rock back and forth sometimes but what I tend to do a lot when sitting down is tapping my feet, jiggling my legs up and down. Also, when at home lying down, I'm always either putting one hand in the air just like waving it back and forth or tapping my legs to a random beat in my head for like ever lol

Resistance to touching. Lol. I HATE cuddling. I HATE even a hand on me or an arm. I just can't handle it, omg. The only time I can do it is during sex or after sex, cuddle for like 5 minutes. My boyfriend hates this lol, he will put his arm over mine while lying in bed so we can touch and I just can't do it. Gives me shivers lol. He even tries like touching my leg with his knee and I can't handle it 😅😅 I sleep with a pillow inbetween us hahahaha. If he wants to cuddle, he will wait until I'm dead asleep and slowly scootch over to cuddle me lol

excessive talk about a favorite subject with no regard for the reactions of others. THIS ONE. LOL. I do this often with my boyfriend and with people close to me, I'll RAMBLE on about a subject that means a lot to me and not even think about how the other feels about it or if they even care or they want to say something, and then at the end I'm usually ALWAYS like "omg I'm so sorry, how are you? What are you doing? Tell.me about your interests!"

preparing jokes or phrases to use ahead of time. Very guilty of this.

Anyways. SO YEAH. All of those things I do above are symptoms and characteristics of autism, some of them specific to autism in women and it just makes so much sense. It feels validating to know others do and experience this behaviours as well, and that it's not because I'm "weird" or have "personality flaws".

#mine #me #personal #my post #my life #myself

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