why would my brain do this to me

i hate that im going to say this but I feel like I need to put it somewhere or I am going to burst. i think I am just ever so slightly in love with one of my closest friends. which is incredibly confusing for me as an ace panromantic person (obviously the ace part more than the pan part). especially as the last relationship I had was when I was 17 and that was rather fucking traumatic. and the mad thing is, this friend of mine that I am ever so slightly in love with has been in my live for HALF OF MY LIFE. and don't get me wrong, we were friends. good friends even, but we didn't entirely run in the same circles. there was intersections, but I only really got to see them occasionally in the library but mostly outside after school because we didn't even have any classes together I don't think. its only been in the last year or so where we have got back into contact randomly (I think I instigated that but I honestly don't remember). and since then we have grown massively closer and its honestly been wonderful. but all of this communication and growing closer has been online as we now live in different countries, with both of us now living about 200 miles away from where we met and of course because of queerness neither of us know how to fucing drive lol. but yeah I feel like I just need to express this somewhere because with my aceness and my autism and all the stupid trauma Button Mushroom put me through I genuinely haven't been able to categorise how I feel about him. and i REALLY cant tell what he thinks about me and it is infuriating honestly. i wish i could talk to him about it but i am terrified of any consequences obviously. we just get along so so well, its honestly madness. i have been able to have in depth nerdy discussion with him about basically all of my hyperfixations in ways i just cant with other people 1. because i basically have no friends 2. people get bored of me and 3. because they are never interested in the specific niche bits of fandom i often find myself in like Murray Gold and scoring music. but is that a bad thing? are we too similar that a relationship would be silly? and again i sometimes feel like there could be flirty moments, but i often get accused of flirting when I'm just excited so that could be whats happening. fuck me. i just wish this was a little simpler. or that i was a little simpler or smoother i don't know. why must emotions be so difficult. it fucking sucks

So excited for baconswag week! 🟪🥓♠️

riley asking shawn, "when you looks at me, does it remind you of what you can't have?" was a crazy ass moment because yes the line was about shawns intimacy issues and his inability to commit to a longterm relationship, but holy shit if that isn't the most blatant way you could confirm that shawn was in love with cory and the existence of riley was just a constant reminder that he had missed his chance and could never be with cory. what if i went insane

i need to lie down and curl into a ball and tuck myself into a box and be gently lowered into the earth i think. and just stay there for a few days... years... however long it needs to be until i can exist without feeling like i am a prey animal being hunted for sport every day !!!!!!!

Hey random but if there's anything I'm ever somehow being disrespectful about or saying incorrectly or doing wrong things, PLEASE let me know because chances are I have absolutely no idea. Because the last thing I want to do is something disrespectful or offensive

who up sinning their fest

Do you ever think about how if a person got into a series/fandom after peak popularity they totally missed out? Not in a bad way, I just think getting to experience and participate in the explosion of a fandom is a totally fun and insane thing that might only happen to a person once. It's not just "a fandom" it's when the fandom of a series you totally love and resonate with happens.

Fuck I mean shit I mean fuck I’m so autistic

just like a general note if you feel the need to disagree with my posts about the way simon's mischaracterized and heavily stereotyped just because of something not objectively canon that i threw in there offhandedly i think you should maybe reconsider your priorities a little

Today was my last Friday off for the foreseeable future from my job before I go back to having Wednesdays off to accommodate our severe understaffing issue on the Friday/Saturdays we’re open and I did absolutely nothing with my day today, but I do hope having a day off in the middle of the week from here on out will hopefully improve my motivation and help get me to start making appointments for stuff and the likes of that.

let me just say one thing for the moment regarding Ted:

there’s a lot of circumstantial evidence and not much else - it’s good to be cautious and to be keeping a close eye on things, but quite frankly, it’s still a lot of smoke and no concrete anything. like, “he knows/we told him” - how was this done? was there 100% confirmation that messages/replies/@ s were received and read, because that was never indicated and that’s pretty important to the picture people are painting. and from what i’ve seen, the girl in question has no personal information listed on twitter, at least, and if he’s anything like me - and i am way more online than him - i don’t do heavy background checks on every person who interacts with me, and i’m also not an actor who gets hundreds or replies/retweets/@ s daily that are probably largely ignored or unread

protecting minors is absolutely the utmost important thing, but again, unless you can prove without a doubt that something elicit or nefarious is happening, that’s a lot of heavy accusations to be throwing around and i don’t have any answers for you, nor do i have any idea what more can be said at the moment

underrated genre of character playlist entry: songs a character would relate to because they do not understand their situation, themself, or the song itself well enough to realize it is not accurate (and might well straight up be a callout for people like them). which song is your blorbo's fight club

x

my mom doesn’t think im autistic and then i write shit like, “yeah i look for patterns in my life but for some reason socializing and people never fit? why cant i apply other knowledge to being a person with other people”

I just had to see this comment on that 'how anxious are you while driving' poll:

and tbh... haha shut your mouth :)

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